#bundeslihaha chapter

[bundeslihaha]

Chapter 11: Under the Spotlight

The Media Days have started! Join the Bundesliga boys and girls as they prepare for the part of the season they wished they could skip!

Whoever’s documenting us, SV Darmstadt 98 thought as she reread the address on her phone, must be lazy as fuck…

Somehow, she wasn’t surprised at her vocabulary – hanging out (well, arguing) with Karlsruhe, Kaiserslautern and Braunschweig would do that to anyone…

Hmm, speaking of those three, it was unfortunate for such big clubs with rich history to not get promoted, wasn’t it? But naaaah, Darmstadt grinned mischievously. She was definitely looking forward to filling the next page of her football fairytale!

FC Ingolstadt 04 looked up at his coach slowly. “Papa?” he called, tugging the sleeve of Ralph Hasenhüttl’s shirt.

“Yes, Ingolstadt?” Papa asked. His face looked sooo bored, but Ingolstadt knew anyone would be, like really! It seemed like they’d been on this train for years! “Papa, are we there yet?” he whined, secretly hoping that asking would make the trip faster.

“Not yet, Ingolstadt,” Papa replied, messing his hair. “No, Papa, don’t do that!” he protested, swatting his large hand off his head, “I’m not a kid anymore!” He was already eleven years old, okay? He didn’t need a Papa. He wanted to live alone like RB Leipzig, to do whatever and whenever he wanted! Why did the bosses still force him to live with a “father figure”? He’s a personification, not a normal kid! Why should he go to a boring school? Why should he be watched while eating? Everyone knew he hated vegetables! Why?!

“Ingolstadt,” Papa said, touching his cheek instead, “I’m sorry, okay? You know I like your hair when it’s neatly trimmed like this.” He chuckled a little. Ingolstadt pouted. “Of course you like it, Papa, you trimmed it yourself!” the boy playfully punched his caretaker, “Why can’t I have long hair like Bochum?”

“Bochum?” Papa asked, raising an eyebrow, “His hair is awful. Especially with that hairclip.”

The little Bavarian groaned. “But- but I want my hair to touch my shoulders! It’s so cool, Papa!” He patted Papa’s shoulder for good measure, but all he got was an unconvinced glare. “Fine,” he grumbled, “at least I can grow bangs? Like Karlsruhe?”

Papa’s eyes were unfocused. Maybe he was picturing his (old, haha!) bully, with his shaggy brown hair.

“He looks like he doesn’t have a comb,” Papa finally said. Ingolstadt decided to change tactics. In a second, he was staring at his coach with dark eyes as big as saucers, causing Hasenhüttl to wince and changed the topic himself. “Anyway, are you excited for the Media Days?”

Ingolstadt’s face brightened that instant. “Of course, Papa! I can’t wait to meet the others!” He was jumping on his seat now, earning him annoyed looks from other passengers. “Especially Bayern. She’s so… so badass!”

When Ingolstadt realized what he’d just said, his hands comically flew to cover his mouth. “Sorry, Papa,” he squeaked.

Now, Ralph Hasenhüttl couldn’t bring himself to be harsh to the spoiled, irritating boy that was the physical embodiment of FC Ingolstadt, but he couldn’t the child grow up with no manners, either.

“Ingolstadt,” Hasenhüttl said, a patronizing hand on the 11-year-old’s shoulder, “what did I tell you about bad words?”

The personification sighed, head hung in shame. “I must not say them, Papa,”

“Good,” the manager nodded. Let’s all pray the first division clubs wouldn’t undo everything he’d taught his ‘son’…

Elsewhere…

 As usual, Europe-bound clubs gather on a corner of whatever meeting place they were in (in this case, studio), FC Augsburg looking out of place.

The UEL club was sandwiched between 25-time-German champions, FC Bayern München, and her chaser, VfL Wolfsburg, his lean body a stark contrast from the fanservice muscles of the two. It didn’t trouble Augsburg much, though. What troubled him was how… casually the six other clubs spoke of trebles, Spanish giants and the like, and though he was an expert at poker faces, intimidation froze him in place.

“Earth to Augsburg,” Bayern called with a hard pat on his back, “you still there?”

He blinked before meeting her gaze. “Yeah.”

“Don’t be so shy, mate,” Gladbach added, flashing the ginger a toothy grin. “It’s my first time in Champions League, too. Ish."

“But you’ve been in Europa,” Augsburg said matter-of-factly.

“Yeah, but you’ll make it!” Dortmund cheered from opposite his seat, a fist punching the air. “Sure, I’ll be your rival later on, but I’m rooting for you! You’re too good to go down…” He trailed off. Must be remembering Freiburg, Augsburg mused, feeling a pang of sympathy for the relegated club and the friend she’d left behind. Would he have to sacrifice Europe for domestic survival, like she had?

“Tch. No one’s ‘too good’ to go down,” Gladbach spat as if forcing everyone to recall his recent brushes with relegation.

“But I think you’ll do well, FCA,” Schalke piped up, a grudging note in his deep voice. “You’re more consistent than Lüdenscheid over here,” he poked his fellow Ruhr club right on his ‘BVB 09, Echte Liebe’ tattoo.

“Oh, shut up, Scheiße,” Dortmund snapped, “just because you consistently suck, doesn’t mean you can bully those who don’t.” A sneer twisted Die Schwarzgelben’s handsome face, practically begging the Royal Blues to punch it. And so, Schalke did.

“Ouch,” Gladbach snickered. That was one hell of a punch. Leverkusen hid his snicker behind his hands.

“You…” Dortmund growled, rubbing his aching nose.

With Schalke sneering back, they left the group for a more physical Revierderby.

A chuckle escaped Bayern at her enemies’ antics. “Oi, Augsburg!” she called again. The ginger beside her responded with a ‘hmm’. “How does it feel to watch the two up close?”

Wolfsburg and the Rhine boys stared hard at the younger Bavarian, trying to coax an answer out of the stoic man.

“Funny?” Augsburg answered, with a tone that made it sound like a question. Wolfsburg laughed. “You don’t sound like you mean it!”

The Fuggerstädter shrugged. “I guess I’m used to it.” He really was used to seeing clubs fight. Nürnberg and Fürth's drunken Oktoberfest brawls weren't much different from the Ruhr Valley rivals', really. He hoped he could be used to being in the company of these giants, too…

There were confident people, and then there was Hamburger SV.

Six-time German champion, playoff specialist (Fürth and Karlsruhe could stay in 2. Bundesliga forever, he didn’t care) and especially beater of “oh-so-great” Gladbach, Augsburg and Bayern was entering the studio with a swagger unseen in him before.

Unfortunately, his swag didn't impressed anyone, except if you count Hannover’s friendly ‘hi’ as an expression of awe. Even worse, Mainz and Frankfurt didn’t even try to hide their laughter (or in the case of Hoffenheim, his derisive remarks). Ugh. He should find Werder lest he died of boredom here. He opened his mouth to ask his boyfriend where the shit is, but when he saw Hertha’s suspicious glances, an imaginary light bulb appeared over his head.

“Yo, Karlsruhe’s whore!”

At her death glare, he couldn’t help but think: This photoshoot won’t be so boring after all.

“Welcome to the Bundesliga!” Eintracht Frankfurt exclaimed, snaking a hand around Darmstadt's shoulders with a less-than-friendly laugh. At the physical contact, she tensed, but took it in stride a moment later. “Thank you, Frankfurt. How are you?”

“Great,” the Eagles replied. “And you, Darmstadt?”

She looked up at him with a beam. “Never better!”

“How can you not?” Frankfurt’s hearty laugh rang in the hallway, “really, I can congratulate you all day.” There was a strangely comfortable silence as they walked inside the studio. “Anyway,” the taller man continued, “Ready for the derby?” Challenge sparkled in his red eyes, dangerous yet inviting.

“Of course,” Darmstadt accepted, her blue eyes echoing his. “And I’m gonna win them all!”

If there was one thing every club preferred their archenemy over, that thing would be a makeover.

Bayern was insisting “Hertha’s kind of makeup” didn’t suit her, demanding the poor makeup artist to 'fix her up' the way she did the male personifications.

Stuttgart had had his dark brown dye forcefully removed, leaving his hair very, very blond. “It will bring out your eyes,” the makeup artist had said, his green eyes glinting with evil.

Even Hertha almost cried when they said she had to take off her bow (a parting gift from her lover years ago) despite accepting her new, layered hairstyle.

So when 1. FC Köln came in to a horde of dissatisfied clubs, he feared for himself as he took his seat on the torture chair.

“Hi, Köln,” his makeup artist, a young woman whose build reminded him of Nuernberg. “Don’t be afraid, ‘kay?”

“Uh…” Köln said, “do I have to take this off?” He indicated at the thin hair tie holding his ponytail.

“Of course,” she smirked.

And then, the torture began.

“Afternoon, everyone!”

Seventeen Bundesliga clubs gathered in the middle of the spacious studio, prepped and pumped for the so-called ‘BL Media Days’. Or for it to be over, but that didn’t really matter. A DFL official welcomed them in their headquarters. The greetings/bullshit was followed by Darmstadt’s introduction, and of course: “But most importantly, have fun!”

The first photoshoot was standard – they’d be photographed head to waist with hands on their hips, a plain white wall their background.

To make things simpler, the officials would call the impatient personifications in alphabetical order, because of which, Werder Bremen and Wolfsburg decided to treat themselves (and the others, on the officials’ insistence) lunch.

“FC Augsburg!” came the first call, and true to his no-nonsense personality, it only took him a minute or two, even with the touch-ups.

“Bayer 04 Leverkusen!”

The Retortenclub rolled his eyes. “Later, okay” he told Bayern, who gave him a thumb up in reply. As a true PR man, Leverkusen stepped up to the stage with confidence, a charming smile set to melt fangirls and fanboys’ hearts on his face.

“Hello, cutie,” the makeup artist teased, applying a dash of bronzer on Leverkusen’s cheek. He responded accordingly – with a wink and “Hello to you too!”

Then crash! The door to the studio slammed open, causing almost everyone to jump in surprise, and came in Ralph Hasenhüttl, red-faced and panting as he helped his charge up from his face-down fall. “We… apologize for our lateness,” the coach said. Beside him, FC Ingolstadt 04 stood with a broken nose and tearful eyes. A laugh could be heard from his fellow Aufsteiger, but she disguised it as a cough before Hasenhüttl could do anything.

“No problem, Sir!” one of the officials said amicably. After a grateful nod from the manager (and a three-minute chiding to Germany’s youngest club), he left. “Use Darmstadt’s phone to call me when I’m done, okay?”

Darmstadt’s fists clenched - she couldn’t make a bad impression in front of the Bundesligists, but everyone was laughing at her! Not to mention Inge’s annoying ‘okay, Papa! See you later!’

Like she hadn’t had enough of that squirt in the second division…

Desperate to stop the laughter directed at him, the club nicknamed Die Schanzer turned to face his new ‘friends’. “Hi, guys!” he shouted, waving his hands in the air. “I’m FC Ingolstadt! And you?” He jumped to a bench where two clubs, one in green and the other blue, sat. “What’s your name?”

The guy in green stood up, and damn he was huge! Ingolstadt had to stand on his toes just to see his beard! Fortunately, he could see his arms, his legs, and woah he had so much hair… how cool! I wish I had a body like that, the little boy thought, hand almost touching his muscular calf… almost… almost…

“Wolfsburg,” the huge man answered, snatching Ingolstadt’s hand to shake it. “And this is Hoffenheim,” he gestured to the man in blue, who was black-haired, blue-eyed and sulking.

(The introductions, unnecessary as they were, continued, much to the officials’ annoyance – to make it worse, everyone was either too amused or too mesmerized by the pint-sized Bavarian’s “cuteness” to stop him.

Seven minutes and thirty-one seconds later – “THANK GOD!” one of the officials whooped – Ingolstadt had made himself known to every club but Die Werkself, who had just finished posing for the cameras.)

When Leverkusen stepped off the stage with another stranger’s (well, at least she wasn’t a Scheißbock fan) phone number, a red-haired boy – promoted Ingolstadt, Leverkusen read his club crest – approached him, confusion narrowing his dark eyes.

“What’s wrong, Ingolstadt?” he asked, letting his persona do the job.

“I’m confused, Sir,” the boy replied, scratching his head with a pudgy finger. “This thing is for… personifications only, right?”

He’s more stupid than I thought, Leverkusen made a mental groan, but outwardly, he kneeled to the Audi-backed club’s eye level, his hands on his small shoulders. “Yes, it is,” he said, his voice as soft as the gaze he sent the Bavarian, “you may be young, Ingolstadt dear… but you are one of us.”

To Leverkusen’s surprise, Ingolstadt didn’t jump up and down with renewed self-esteem, but gave him a blank stare instead. “’Us’? Who are you?!” the boy shrieked, as if Leverkusen was some kind of intruder. He resisted the urge to kick the newbie in the groin by offering him a hand to shake. “Bayer Leverkusen,” he introduced himself, grinning eye-to-eye, “nice to meet you!”

“You’re Bayer Leverkusen?!” the boy echoed, dumbstruck as he squinted at the cross and lions on his chest. “I thought… I thought you were a player!”

He could hear Gladbach and Köln’s too-loud whispers of ‘The guy looks like Kießling and he doesn't even admit it'.

"Fuck you," Leverkusen muttered, turning on his heel to leave the baby boy. He'd give those two assholes a lesson... but first, he needed a plastic surgery.

[bundeslihaha]

Bundeslihaha: New story alert!

I updated the AO3 series with a new story called Bundeslihaha Redux: The Cutting Room Floor, where I’ll be posting Redux material regardless of completion status! Check it out! :D

“Wait, what? Why are you doing this?” you might ask. Well, here’s the explanation!

I want to be more organized. This story, I feel, would be easier to read if it only contains Bundeslihaha: Where Fussball Meets Fun's finished chapters and art. Here's the plan:

Bundeslihaha: Where Fussball Meets Fun will be updated with other completed Bundeslihaha WFMF material

Don't Worry, Love (formerly a deleted chapter, Bayern/Hertha one-shot)

I hate you (formerly a deleted chapter, crack Leverkusen/FC Koeln poem)

The Bad Guy (an edgy Bayern-centric one-shot)

Horrible Idea (a fun Retortenklub one-shot)

Bundesliga Project art from 2014 - 2015 (yes, the oldest art where my art-style was still fully anime and were all drawn on notebooks!) (aka the nostalgia tag from Tumblr)

Various WFMF art

WFMF aesthetic/moodboards

Bundeslihaha memes for the soul

RB Leipzig

Augsburg aux cord

Comic Sans Valentines

Would you fuck your clone?

Stoppage Time (working title) will be updated with unfinished WFMF stories and concepts (+ Commentary)

This story has not been posted yet. I’m taking my time and prioritizing Bundeslihaha Redux. (Scroll down to the next bolded text)

Frauen-Bundeslihaha (Women's Bundesliga 1 and 2) and Drittelihaha (3. Liga)

Bundeslihaha: The Series

Chapter 14: Moe's Coming Hoam (Crossover)

Chapter 16: To Quälix inside Your Boots (Wolfsburg-centric)

Dortmund's Wonderful Life (Birthday Wish Gone Wrong)

Disguise (Bayern-centric)

Hoffenheim Lost His Soul

Die Macht am Rhein (Drabbles about Fortuna, Leverkusen, and Koeln)

Chapter 16: The Dressing Room (Bayern and Porto)

Bayern and Bochum '77

Shoot for the Stars (Darmstadt-centric)

Ask the Bavarian Clubs (if you want to see it now, click here)

Note: I'm not going to discuss deleted chapters and stories.

Bundeslihaha Redux: The Cutting Room Floor will be updated with Redux material (+ Commentary)

Bonus Round

Bundeslihaha Redux V1

Bundeslihaha Redux V2, Chapter 1

Bundeslihaha Redux V2, Chapter 2

Bundeslihaha Redux V2, Chapter 3 (Unfinished)

Main Story Comic, Prologue (sketch only)

Main Story Comic, Chapter 1 (sketch only)

Main Story Comic, Chapter 2 (sketch only)

Bonus Comic (sketch only)

Concepts

Furrionette - Wolfsburg/Augsburg

Retortenklub shenanigans - Leverkusen, Hoffenheim, Leipzig, Wolfsburg, occasionally Augsburg and Ingolstadt

Media Days: Bundesliga Personification Reality Show

Club Makeovers and "Image-Protection"

Roommates (Hannover and Freiburg are roommates, of course)

Bunducksliga (with pedalos!)

Queer Clubs

The Fairytale Date (unfinished story, Darmstadt-centric)

Reveal 2021 Draft (Bayern and Sechzig-centric)

Art (including the ones posted on the Bundeslihaha Tumblr)

2018 Halloween Comic

Darmstadt's cursed costume

Ingolstadt and Augsburg Kasperle

Petersen, Baetersen

The Josip Brekalo Issue

Freiburg vs Stuttgart painting

Bayern/Bochum pride art

Autograph Cards

SC Freiburg Reference Sheet

More coming eventually!

[bundeslihaha]

Bundeslihaha Redux Autograph Cards (6/18)

[ID: Digital art of Borussia Dortmund’s personification from Bundeslihaha. He is a pale skinned person with blond hair and dark brown eyes and a black earring. He is wearing the 2014/15 Dortmund jersey and pink shoes, kicking a ball with one leg behind his back. The background is a pastel yellow square with a translucent Meisterschale (Bundesliga trophy). At the bottom of the image is the Dortmund logo, and all caps text saying “Borussia Dortmund” and “Bundeslihaha Redux | FeuerVerse 16.4.18″. End ID.]

~

Program: CSP Pro, Photoshop CS5

Mouse: Logitech M280

~

My thoughts about the lack of redesign:

Reasoning: No redesign - he seems well-liked, and fits the image of the club as the Cool New Thing. Dortmund was very popular back in Bundeslihaha’s heyday - I think most of my following were BVB fans. That’s pretty cool!

I drew him the most out of all the clubs, and most of Where Fussball Meets Fun’s chapters were about him, so much that I had a Dortmund’s Birthday Special event. Wild, isn’t it? BVB is not my favorite club, but you’d be forgiven if you think it is. xD

Verdict: Needs slight changes.

I drew his skin a light brown in the Halloween comics. I figured in a multicultural country like Germany, especially with football players coming from many countries, not everyone is lily-white like in a 1950s Hollywood movie. Moreover, it makes everyone’s designs more distinct.

~

More autograph cards here! -> https://bundeslihaha.tumblr.com/tagged/cards

[bundeslihaha]

I’m working on the answers for both asks in my inbox!

Not here, of course, but on my sideblog, @ask-the-bavarian-clubs :) so send me some asks, maybe? Silent support is super appreciated as well! <3

[bundeslihaha]

Bundeslihaha is back on indefinite hiatus - but wait, there’s more!

Yes, I know. I know the blog hasn’t updated at all for months. But I’ve been working on it as much as I could... and yet. And yet I couldn’t manage.

I can’t make a digitally colored comic like I want with my current situation (lagging laptop, mouse, disability and chronic pain, shitty parents, university). It’s too ambitious. So I turned back to the old format, which is like a novel. I’ve written Chapters 1 and 2 so far, and the plot is going well. But my collab partner/translator @historyofbeautifulsnow​ has other projects they want to focus on, and so do I. So I deeply apologize for not being able to deliver Bundeslihaha any time soon.

My new project, Max and the Puppet Masters (a tale of rebels, spies, criminal syndicates, and forging your own path in spite of it all), will be shared on my art/writing blog, @4rnex as soon as it’s ready! I hope you’re as excited about it as I am, and thank you for all your support the past 3-4 years! :D

[bundeslihaha]

Finally, some progress! ;D

Hello! Nice to meet you again! Thank you for waiting so patiently for Bundeslihaha Redux, your support and enthusiasm means a lot to me. Now, the stuff you must be waiting for:

I’ve decided to skip the questionnaire and start the comic in the most beautiful mix of planning and working on my feet, and I must say I’m fuckin’ excited, actually the happiest I’ve been writing this stories after my hiatus!

So here’s the progress, which I’ll edit every now and then:

(Last update: 8 August 2018)

PROLOGUE

Page 1 - Sketch / Lineart / Color / Image Description / Translation

Page 2 - Sketch / Lineart / Color / Image Description / Translation

Page 3 - Sketch / Lineart / Color / Image Description / Translation

Page 4 - Sketch / Lineart / Color / Image Description / Translation

CHAPTER 1

Page 1 - Sketch / Lineart / Color / Image Description / Translation

Page 2 - Sketch / Lineart / Color / Image Description / Translation

Page 3 - Sketch / Lineart / Color / Image Description / Translation

Page 4 - Sketch / Lineart / Color / Image Description / Translation

Page 5 - Sketch / Lineart / Color / Image Description / Translation

Page 6 - Sketch / Lineart / Color / Image Description / Translation

Page 7 - Sketch / Lineart / Color / Image Description / Translation

CHAPTER 2

Page 1 - Sketch / Lineart / Color / Image Description / Translation

Page 2 - Sketch / Lineart / Color / Image Description / Translation

Page 3 - Sketch / Lineart / Color / Image Description / Translation

Nothing new because my uni is a jerk, I'm sorry

[bundeslihaha]

In memoriam

Bundeslihaha: Where Fussball Meets Fun (2014 - 2017)

Pffft, that sounds depressing.

Hey hey hey, liebe Bundesliga-Fans! How have you been? I hope you and your team(s) have been faring well in my absence, unless your teams are named- uh, nevermind. ;P

Anyway! Just wanted to drop by to tell you that I’m terribly sorry for the delay! I’ve been - still am - busy with uni and health problems, you know? Usual stuff. But worry not, beauties and gentlebeauties. While you have to wait until 2018 for Bundeslihaha Redux, you won’t be totally alone here, as I’m going to crosspost the remaining chapters from AO3 via Tumblr queue every Friday at 20:00 GMT+7 (or at any schedule of your liking if you care to tell me)! Ain’t that a great way to spend pre-matchday? Of course it is, it’s Bundeslihaha, after all. ;)

So! Don’t be sad, darlings. Your favorite (and not-so-favorite) clubs will be here for you as I sort everything out.

Until next time!

Nik August (Twitter / Instagram)

[bundeslihaha]

Okay so I'm rereading Bundeslihaha and I just... can't, it's too fucking hilarious xD in the first chapter, Hennes VIII (Köln's mascot) appeared with no context and was never referred to again, and I don't think I can continue reading without laughing or cringing please help

[bundeslihaha]

An ACTUAL BUNDESLIHAHA CHAPTER is coming to town, beauties and gentlebeauties!

I missed writing about these dorks so, so much, and I hope you’ll all enjoy reading this chapter! So stay tuned, darlings! <3

[bundeslihaha]

Announcement

I'd like to apologize to all of you, especially @eruditemonk, because I won't be continuing The Schanzer Chronicles. Why? Read below!

I hate to say this, but this story is discontinued. Yeah, I'm really pathetic with spin-offs, but there is a good reason why I'm doing this!

As it is, The Schanzer Chronicles will not fit into The Reveal (which starts at Chapter 40 of my main story) without extreme retcons.

I'm planning to post Chapter 40 as soon as Augsburg and the Puppet Masters (which I kinda wanna rewrite because I absolutely hate the first two chapters) get to the arc's starting point, 2013... which is pretty far from 2009, so please understand that the main story won't be updated for quite a while. (This is also to help the DeviantArt, Tumblr, and Fresh Off the Gegenpress crossposting catch up with the AO3 version.)

Okay, now you're probably wondering why I'm making such a big deal about The Reveal. Well, it's simple, really. With no direction, writing Bundeslihaha gets harder and harder. This arc will have a linear plot which extends beyond late flashreactions (because let's face it, that's what this story essentially is, especially with my college and work schedule...) and even when the arc is finished, it will impact the story from then on. Note that I've edited - and will edit - a lot of stuff in previous chapters to fit into the arc.

What is The Reveal, exactly?

As its title might have hinted, it's about the revealing of football clubs to the public. Oh, yes, if you read Puppet Masters, you'll know they are all in hiding, living as humans with all the shit that comes with it. Their involvement as personifications is very limited, mostly with board decisions and team morale, training, and tactics. They're used to this arrangement, happy even, because living as humans allows them to join ultras and make personal relationships and basically have a private life.

Why they're revealed in the first place? Well, you have to read the arc when it comes ;)

Thank you for supporting me thus far! I love you all!

Until next time, freibulous

[bundeslihaha]

Bundeslihaha: Matchday 11 Special

Starring Dortmund and Köln with Bayern and RB Leipzig as side characters (sort of). Maybe I’ll make a proper chapter for them sometime, but that time isn’t now as it’s 3:41 AM...

Westfalenstadion, Dortmund

November 19, 2016

“We won!” Borussia Dortmund cried, snaking his arm around his best friend’s torso as they made their way out of his home, “We won, Effzeh!”

1. FC Köln broke into a wide smile before doing the same. “Congrats,” the Cologne native said warmly, “your boys were awesome!”

“I know, right?” Dortmund laughed, raising his recently-refilled beer glass to the air with his free hand, “And you! Derbysieger! That was fucking epic, man!”

“I aim to please, Schatzi,” Köln winked, pointing finger guns at the personification of the home team.

Dortmund not-so-gently elbowed him on the side. “Shut up!”

As soon as they were out of the Signal Iduna Park’s parking lot, Köln realized something... why weren’t they in the dressing room?!

“…the look on Neuer’s face was priceless! Effzeh? Köln? Are you listening?”

“Oh! Um, I…” Köln paused. “Yesterday, on the derby…”

“Yeah?”

“We were on the bench together, right? And then we celebrated with the team,” the Rhine club continued, scratching the back of his neck.

“Oh, yeah, that was fun!” Dortmund said cheerfully, “I can’t believe none of them said anything! I mean, I don’t even look like any of your coaching staff!”

“Well, um –‘’

The blonde puts his index finger on Köln’s mouth. “Zzzt! I’d love to do it again one day. Going undercover makes me feel so badass!”

Köln looked up at his friend, jaw dropped. “You’re not mad at me?”

“Heh?” Dortmund raised an eyebrow, so high it reminded him of Carlo Ancelotti, “Why should I be mad?”

“Y’know,” he mumbled, “for making you watch from the stands with me. And… I wasn’t even close to the Yellow Wall…” He trailed off. Damn, he’d been so unfair… should’ve bought tickets earlier… why hadn’t he gotten himself a season ticket anyway?! He’d made a promise to himself to do so since the start of their friendship, for fuck’s sake!

“Oh…” Die Schwarzgelben chuckled. “That.”

Pursing his lips, he looked away.

“If I say I had absolutely no problem with that, are you gonna be offended?”

He said nothing.

“Dude, I’m serious! Relax!” Dortmund replied, bending down to his eye level, “It’s not the Revierderby! And besides, you get to stay the night at my house. This weekend’s gonna rock. I can already feel it.”

Köln’s red eyes met his dark ones, wide and hopeful. “You mean it?”

The older club nodded. “I mean it. We can even cuddle and stuff on my bed if you want to.”

“’And stuff’?” Köln couldn’t help but laugh. “That’s rare.”

Dortmund’s face went red. “Yeah, well, it’s been a long time.”

“Didn’t you and Freiburg…”

“Freiburg?” the taller man cried, “Are you shitting me? We literally broke up four years ago!”

Köln flashed him a teasing smirk as they walked around the bend a few hundred meters from his house. “Are you sure?”

“Dude,” he said flatly, “I can barely understand her dialect. If she asked me to sleep with her recently, I must’ve missed it.”

“Okay, I believe you,” Die Geissböcke replied, taking longer strides to match his quickening steps, “but didn’t you two talk at all when you were lovers?”

“You’re unbelievable,” he groaned.

“Just asking,” Köln grinned. “Do you understand Karlsruhe, though? I mean, he’s–"

“Goddammit, Effzeh!” He cut in, throwing his hands up in the air dramatically. “You don’t need to know my whole dating history!”

Köln clutched his heart, mock-offended. “You’re so mean.”

“If you weren’t my best friend, I’d kill you,” he grumbled.

“Thank god I am,” the younger club snickered. They’d arrived in front of Dortmund’s house, but that didn’t mean this had to end… “Hey, Dortmund. Now I can’t help but think you have a thing for Badenians–!”

Köln’s joke was roughly interrupted by Dortmund’s lips on his and oh god this is so good I have to kiss him back, so he stood on his toes and reciprocated the gesture with equal passion, hands clutching the taller man’s back so tightly he felt they would fuse, and just when he thought he couldn’t be weaker in the knees, his friend let him breathe for a second before switching to painfully short pecks, traveling from his lips to his goatee to his neck to–

Dortmund pulled away, heaving, while Köln just gawked at him.

“I prefer Kölner,” the Ruhr club said in between gasps, “they’re better at kissing.” He then paused, breaths slowing with every second that passed. “Uh, wanna go to my room? We can cuddle and stuff.”

The redhead beamed at his offer. “Lead the way.”

The next day…

 Köln watched his friend slowly stir, smiling at just how cute he looked without his ridiculous boyband-member-style clothes.

“Ugh…” Dortmund groaned, rubbing sleep off of his eyelids, “what time is it?”

“7 AM,” he half-sighed, slightly disappointed that he had to see the older club fully dressed again, “don’t worry, I just finished taking a shower, so you’re not that late.”

Dortmund yawned. “Oh… good...” Then, as almost everyone (including him, to be honest) would do in 2016, the blonde reached out for the phone on his nightstand, unlocking the screen and checking notifications with deft fingers.

The usual order, Köln might say.

But then, all of the sudden, Dortmund threw his phone against the far wall with a scream, its thick casing the only thing stopping it from breaking into pieces.

Confused, Köln shifted closer to the now sobbing club, pulling him into a hug when he started crying louder. “Dortmund, what’s wrong?”

Dortmund buried his face in his hands. “Just… just read… my password’s 1909.”

At any other time, the Rhine club would playfully mock his friend for the ridiculously easy PIN, but now, he simply did what he was told… and promptly lost his faith in humanity.

Read all 80 comments

Konigsblau04 Great job, Zecken! #RIPBundesliga

stpauli_1910 #RIPbundesliga

dyncmodresden #RIPBundesliga

SterndesSuedens Congrats for giving Red Bull 1st place lol

sechzig.and.i.know.it butthurt? @SterndesSuedens

Karlsruh_ german football is dead #prozweiteliga

GoodCannstatt #RIPBundesliga

WasZumRoteTeufel #RIPBundesliga FUCK U @echtelieber

rotebullenschweine hey thanks @echtelieber! #geschichteschreiben #ripbundesliga #deutschermeister2k17

eisernunion1966 #RIPBundesliga

After a few minutes of scrolling and holding back profanities, he went back to Dortmund’s side. “Should I block them?”

Dortmund’s answer came in the form of a blanket-muffled ‘no’.

“No?” Köln asked.

“No, they’ll probably shut up tomorrow,” his friend sighed, more clearly now as he’d put his covers away from his face, “but thanks, Effzeh.”

“Anytime.”

fin

[bundeslihaha]

Chapter 2: Paderborn to Win

“I’m so thrilled to finally meet you in person!” Paderborn cried, rubbing his hands together in excitement. “I mean, you’re really awesome! How can you win so much?” Bayern grinned. “Would you like to know how?” “Absolutely!” he hollered. “Then I’ll show you how.”

Bayern München wasn't as nearly as intimidating as Paderborn had thought. She smiled a lot- okay, more like smirked- but he found that he liked her perfect white teeth, the way her stretched lips softened her sharp jawline. She was surprisingly friendly, too, and guided him through every topic with ease, but do you know what the coolest thing was? Bayern freaking München was talking to him in private. Damn, he couldn't stop the heat creeping into his cheeks when he felt her side against his! Okay, it was kinda embarrassing to admit - even to himself- that he'd love to have a physique like hers: tall, athletic, muscular.... (The Westphalian felt his blush getting stronger at this thought.)  But it didn't hurt to dream, right?

"Hey, I haven't said congratulations," Bayern said, interrupting his fantasies. He jumped in surprise at the cool touch of her fingers. "Eh- I- thanks," he stuttered, looking at anything but her eyes, not her eyes, not her eyes... So his eyes fell on the tattoo adorning her collarbone. 'Mia san mia', he read silently. We are who we are. The philosophy that drove Germany’s number one club to success. How could something as simple as unity, a familial connection between players, board members and fans be so… powerful? "Paderborn," Bayern called, not-so-gently shaking him. "What's wrong?" He bit his lower lip, feeling small, eyes darting from Bayern's face to her cleats. "Nothing," "I don't think so," the Bavarian giant replied. "Is something bothering you?" He racked his mind for something to say, anything but his increasingly weird thoughts, really... "I... You... you haven't told me… your, um, secret...?" "My secret?" Bayern echoed, a red eyebrow rising in incredulity. "I have plenty of secrets, Paderborn," she said, crossing her sinewy arms over her chest. "And I don't think I want to share any of them." "No," he cried in panic, "it's not that kind of secret!" Ah, dammit! Come on, Paderborn! He tried to paste a conspiratorial grin on his face, but it ended up as a grimace. "It's... um, the one I asked you on the gathering." He held her gaze as an apprentice would his master. "How... How can you win so much?" Bayern's eyes widened for a split-second before she burst with laughter. "Oh, sorry," she shook her head, "I almost forgot!" And he laughed with her, feeling his tenor and her alto intertwine in the air. The accented staccatos smoothed into a free-flowing legato that built up into a crescendo- But without a cue, she stopped their duet, ending the moment as quickly as it began. "Now listen," she said, leaning in so close he could feel her breaths sending chills down his spine. He shrunk under her shadow, feet melting into jelly until the next words came... "I'll tell you my secret." The newly promoted club fell silent, inside and out, at the sheer power in the reigning champion's voice. Inhaling slow, steady breaths, he wanted to be ready to take in whatever she had to say, even if it involved killing kittens or burying himself for a year or even retiring from his singing 'career'... "Control," she answered, ice blue eyes rooting him in place. "The key is control." He frowned. Control. Domination. It couldn't get much more Bayern than that. "You need your players unrestrained," she continued, painting a picture of a full training ground of red and white inside his head, "playing with the right amount of order and instinct... in the opponent's half." A busy attack; a quiet defence. All with a versatility a 2. Bundesliga club could only imagine. He wondered if the boys could manage that. They can! he told himself. If we stay in the first tier, we can. "Only then, SC Paderborn..." Her voice lowered when she said this, finally unveiling the beast under the deceptive beauty, "can you take your game to the next level." Her last words played in his head on loop, paving way for a thousand possibilities: using another formation, rotating players based on their individual talent and uniting them as one team... A win couldn't be far away, he thought, and then he would beat everyone into a pulp! "Anything else?" she asked, bursting his bubble of imagined victories. But it didn't matter, not when he could envision a bright future for himself with all this information! "Tell me what you think about the 4-1-4-1 formation," he replied, anticipation swallowing his nervousness whole, “and how I can maximize it with the players I have.” "4-1-4-1?" The beast hid once more when she flashed him a dazzling smile, her enthusiasm mirroring his. "Why not?" ​ Rubbing his palms together, he couldn't help but think that Breitenreiter would be so proud of him when he got home!

(To be continued...)

Bonus:

[bundeslihaha]

Chapter 1: New Season, Here I Come!

Paderborn joins the elites ready for the 2014/15 season and finds a group of clubs who know each other well awaiting him...

(Bundeslihaha will be updated on Friday nights, before every matchday ;))

"Köln,"

The team also known as the Billy Goats inclined his head, meeting Paderborn's gaze with a rather bored one. "Yeah?"

Paderborn's voice dropped into a giddy almost-whisper. "Aren't you excited?"

Honestly, he was–he could still smell the beer in the team's sweat-laden jerseys and feel the water slicking his hair, but the euphoria was mostly replaced by determination–he was the winner of the first ever Bundesliga, after all. He would love to repeat his old-time success.

"We're going to meet awesome teams like Bayern and Dortmund!" Paderborn continued, nudging him sharply on his side. He winced, but continued his stride to the conference room. It wouldn't do for him to be late on his comeback, after all...

"...Schalke and even Hamburger SV!"

Wow, he’d totally lost that. “What’d ya say?”

Paderborn pouted the kind of pout that could melt people like Freiburg in seconds. “You weren’t listening to me, were you? Fine.” The blue-clad young man stormed off to god-knows-where. Köln sighed. It was annoying enough that Paderborn assigned himself as his limpet, but the fact that it was his first time on the top of the pyramid made it even worse–2. Bundesliga clubs never had these (rather useless) pre-season meetings, much less in the heart of Berlin. Or was it Heart of Berlin?

“Paderborn,” he finally said through gritted teeth, readying himself for a run, “come back here!”

freiburg_ist_frei: (photo) ’Nother day in Berlin–getting ready for new season of Bundesliga!

“Not ‘new season of Selfions League’?” a snide voice remarked from behind the female personification, causing her to drop her smartphone. With two sharp moves, she had her phone back in her handbag and her red-and-yellow eyes locked with the other club's brown ones.

“Shut it, Stuttgart,” SC Freiburg snapped, “My social life is none of your business!”

“Ooh, scary,” VfB Stuttgart singsonged, “I’ll watch out for you in our next match–I want to look good in every filter!”

Suddenly, Hertha BSC let out a too-loud laugh, betraying her location behind a thick pole adorned with a majestic carving. The two rivals' heads snapped to her direction, Freiburg more surprised than the other. “Hertha!” she exclaimed, greeting the Berlin club with a friendly hug. “How are you?”

Hugging her friend back, Hertha replied, “I’m so happy to see you again, I really missed you!” Unlike most personifications–who, upon meeting, looked like they were out for each other’s necks, she sounded sincere. Maybe being Karlsruher SC's - Hertha's lover - fellow Badenian helped. “How are you?”

“I’m in the presence of VfB Sarcasm,” the Breisgauer replied, stealing a poisonous glance at the eye-rolling Cannstatter, “what do you think?”

“Aww, Frei,” Hertha said in a lower voice, “He’s not so bad.”

“Says Karlsruhe's whore,” Stuttgart muttered.

“She's being sarcastic,” Freiburg spat, "or are you just too dumb to understand that?"

“Maybe I am, maybe not.” the Swabian said flatly. “Anyway. How's it going for your boys, Old Lady?"

“They’re, well, you’d better be prepared for them!” Hertha said, more than a bit impressed at the Stuttgarter's attempt to be civil, "and you? Ready to lift the Meisterschale?”

“More than her, at any rate,” he laughed, pointing a derisive finger at the seething woman.

“How dare you!" Freiburg cried, clenching her fists, 1904% ready to sail into the jerk, because why not? She finished above him last season, she’d take any chance to do it again–

“Don’t,” Hertha stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. Her touch, much like Karlsruhe's, felt cool and calming. The Freiburger took a deep, shuddering breath, feeling her resentment dissipate into thin air. “Thanks, Hertha,” she said, warmth tugging the edges of her lips upward.

“Anytime," the capital club smiled back.

(At this exchange, Stuttgart ran to the bathroom to relieve himself of his breakfast.)

An hour later, eighteen club personifications were gathered in a spacious conference room, sitting in no particular order despite the old unspoken rules of sitting based on the league table. Dortmund and Schalke sat on different ends of the long table, Freiburg made herself comfortable beside Nürnberg (despite their ties with the two Revierderby duelers, but it's a story for another time), and so on.

As the host, Hertha decided to take the lead. After serving the guests berliners, of course. “Time for roll call!” she announced. “FC Augsburg!”

“’m ‘ere,” the ginger said between chews, raising his left hand.

“Bayer Leverkusen!”

“Present!” Leverkusen said, cheerful as ever.

“Bayern München!”

“Right beside you!” the current champion hooted.

“Borussia–“

Both Borussias said ‘here’ in perfect, though grudging, unison.

“Eintracht Frankfurt!”

Frankfurt blinked. Braunschweig isn’t here anymore, he reminded himself. “Yeah! I’m right here.”

A fleeting look of sadness appeared in Hertha’s face, but she quickly buried her nose in the list, scanning for the next name… “SC Freiburg!”

“Hi, Hertha!”

“Hamburger SV!”

A few snickers greeted the rather… delicious name, but Hamburg’s glower quickly silenced them. “Here as always,” he said proudly, flashing a grin at the host.

“Hannover 96!”

“He’s not here, Hertha!” Braunschweig yelled in English, half-annoying his rival and half-annoyed at being ignored by his fellow Eintracht. “He’s still in bed with a…“

The punnily-named club stood up and glared at him. “If you say that word, Braunschweig –“

“…Hannover.”

“That does it!” Hannover roared, totally sick of that stupid joke and that little cretin–

Hertha cleared her throat loudly, putting a stop to the spectators’ discussion over the amount of money to be wagered (she could see Wolfsburg coolly fanning himself with a few hundred-Euro bills) for the bet that the Reds would win.

“Ehm,” she made sure her expression was perfectly composed, “Now, everyone, should I continue?”

“Please,” Hannover bit out.

“Okay,” she replied jovially. “1899 Hoffenheim?”

“Here,” the Retortenklub said haughtily, winking at VfB, who rolled his eyes at his antics.

Hertha continued on. “Mainz 05!"

Mainz, resplendent in his newly-dyed black-red-gold hair, raised his right hand. “Present!”

Hertha nodded, but then noticed something: “Oh! I just skipped a name… 1. FC Köln?”

No answer.

The host sat and whispered to the club seated on her left side, “Werder, is Köln coming?”

Werder Bremen shook his head. “Sorry, I don’t know,” he answered. “Bayern, do you know where he is?”

“He said–“

SLAM!

The heavy wooden doors opened wide, revealing a panting man and his goat. “Did anyone call?”

Jeers welcomed the three-time champion (and his mascot, Hennes VIII) as he made way to the seat between Freiburg and Schalke, but he paid his fellow Rhine clubs no heed.

“Listen, Nürnberg,” Köln said sharply upon arriving, “you're not supposed to be here."

"Leave her alone," Schalke growled, shielding his lover from the Rhine club and his disgusting pet.

“It’s okay, Schalke,” she said, pulling her seat for Köln, “it’s okay. We’ll meet outside after this, yeah?"

The Gelsenkirchener's jaw dropped, angry and disbelieving, but his girlfriend silenced him with a rueful smile. Reluctantly, he let her go. Even when Köln grumbled about couples and their sentimentality, his eyes never left the now-2. Bundesliga club until a minute after the doors closed behind her.

“Go on, Hertha," Schalke ordered, realizing he was being stared at, "don't just stare at nothing like a fucking idiot!"

Not wanting to be Die Knappen's proverbial punching bag, the Berliner quickly complied. “SC Paderborn!”

"Köööln!"

Paderborn cursed his luck for the umpteenth time that day, ordering his feet at maximum capacity to catch up with the other Aufsteiger, that bastard. “Where are you, Scheißbock?" he shouted, now cursing the lack of information on the walls of the grand building, "and where the hell is the meeting room?!”

“Paderborn?"

He started. “Who’s there?!”

A familiar face showed up. “Me,” Nürnberg replied, a confused expression on her face. “Why are you still here?”

He felt heat creeping up his cheeks. “Er, I got lost.”

“Oh,” the Franconian said, as if expecting his answer. He felt like burying himself. “Do you want me to take you there? It’s a bit far..."

Being seen walking with a girl as cute as Nürnberg was appealing, mouth-watering even, but for once, he wanted to be alone with his scattered, enthusiastic thoughts. “No thanks,” he replied, “just tell me where to go.”

Nürnberg looked like she’d expected that one as well. Thankfully, the explanation didn’t take more than thirty seconds. “Thanks again!” he cried as he sprinted to the elevator, not waiting for a reply, because he wasn’t gonna be late for his first Bundesliga gathering!

“Um, SC Paderborn…?” Hertha called for the fifteenth time.

“Just skip him!” Hoffenheim snapped, slamming a fist onto the table. He wasn’t the only one impatient for the actual gathering to start, though–Freiburg was uploading pictures to social media, and Schalke and Dortmund were turning the long table into a boxing ring, for example. (Don't get me started on Stuttgart. Please.)

Irritated at Paderborn’s absence herself, Hertha moved on to the next names on the list. “Schalke 04… here, Stuttgart and Wolfsburg, here too. And Braunschweig. Please get out this instant.”

“Yeah, fuck off!” Hangover, er, I mean Hannover, piped up.

Braunschweig didn’t need to be told twice. As he swaggered out the door, he whistled a final goodbye: "So long, suckers!”

“Now that (almost) everyone’s here… have fun!” Hertha exclaimed, welcoming them for the second time with literally open arms.

“Finally,” Stuttgart groaned, voicing the thoughts of the room's occupants.

As the holder of twenty-four Deutscher Meister titles, Bayern München was envied, feared, hated, you name it. She was used to it–friends, especially of the football club kind; stab you in the back when they win. Humans weren’t much better, though–they regarded her with respect, some with the zeal of a diehard fan, but never quite with emotional closeness. But then again, she was used to it. She liked to view herself as an independent woman, one who never cowered in the face of danger–

Poke.

Bayern turned to see the top of someone’s dark hair–and looked down; such was the (dis)advantage of being more than 1.8 meters tall–to see an unfamiliar face with a blue jersey. “Can I help you…” She looked down to his chest, “…SC Paderborn?”

Speaking of chests, Paderborn was currently gawking at hers.

“...Are you done?” she asked in her most intimidating voice, crossing her arms over her broad chest–if he wanted big boobs, he should’ve taken a look at Nürnberg’s.

He sucked in a sharp breath, eyes shooting up to meet hers. “I-I’m sorry…” He stuttered, taking a hurried step back. “I-I didn’t mean to stare, I swear!”

She intensified her glare.

"Really! I was just wondering… I’m new here, and I…” He sighed, scratching the back of his head sheepishly. “Um, are you really Bayern München?”

Mixed feelings came at those words. “What,” she snarled, taking the most common cause of surprise in people who just met her, “you didn’t expect me to be a woman?”

Paderborn shook his head furiously. “No, no, I didn’t mean that! I’m just… I’m so thrilled to finally meet you in person!” He cried, rubbing his hands together in excitement. “I mean, you’re really awesome! How can you win so much?”

Practiced ‘fan mode’ took over her. “Would you like to know?” she asked, a friendly, yet proud grin lighting her previously stern face.

“Absolutely!” Paderborn hollered. Bayern patted him on the back, the tactician inside readying herself for a field day. “Then I’ll show you how.”

(To be continued...)

The Meisterschale is the Bundesliga trophy.

Deutscher Meister: ‘German champion’.

Scheissbock is a portmanteau of FC Koeln’s nickname Die Geissboecker (the Billy Goats) and Scheiss (shit).

Hertha Berlin and 2. Bundesligist Karlsruher SC and Schalke (BL) and Nürnberg (2. BL) have a fan friendship, which means they're lovers in the story ;)

Freiburg (South) and Karlsruhe (North) are both from the Baden region of Baden-Württemberg, so Hertha is nice to Freiburg.

Braunschweig and Hangover... I mean Hannover are derby rivals/arch-enemies, due to their both being located in Lower Saxony. (Of course, no one cares about Volkswagen-backed club Wolfsburg.)

Speaking of corporate clubs, they're called Retortenclub/verein or Werksclub/verein in German. They are infamous for having "no tradition" and being exceptions to the holy 50+1 Rule (a minimum of 50%+1 of the club must be owned by its member, so it can't be owned by a single entity like PSG, for example), which makes Bundesliga more financially stable and community-minded than other leagues. These so-called "plastic clubs" are Bayer Leverkusen (heavily funded by Bayer AG), VfL Wolfsburg (Volkswagen), 1899 Hoffenheim (Dietmar Hopp, SAP's CEO), FC Ingolstadt (Audi), and Germany's most hated club, RB Leipzig (Red Bull, obviously!). Hannover 96's financial backer, Martin Kind, is also against the 50+1 Rule. The fans don't take it too well.

Regional rivals usually don't consider matches against these "plastic clubs" a derby.