#burningtar

[feyrytale]

CW implied sh.

Reminder that my personal posts are always tagged burningtar if you want to blacklist it.

Here's to realizing that getting to express myself through my OC and existing in the fandom by QRTing questions was actually a coping method. I was clean for a while there lmao, I didn't even notice at the time. It was good while it lasted.

I don't think anyone who hasn't gone through it would understand, but the pain after setting out to do damage to your body and succeeding feels almost like being loved. It's a warm blanket over the soul, at least for a little while. It doesn't quiet the voices or help in any way but it soothes the mental anguish for a bit. I think I understand alcoholics and addicts for other substances. It's bad but it's all we have, right? So cheers to that. Cheers to living with the pain.

[feyrytale]

I... I am so sad. Over on twitter I used to do a lot of the wolqtd prompts, ramble about my WoL Fey and do a bit of worldbuilding, talking about my ideas and HCs... It was a way to express myself, you know? I don't have anyone to speak to so it was a welcome relief to the silence, being able to actually say what I was thinking about...

Haha

The harsh reality just caught up to me now that my followers have expressed that they are quite happy I will no longer be doing that because they found it to be obnoxious.

Just got out of the shower after spending a good while sobbing and mourning the loss of a tiny bit of normalcy, of feeling like a person. Dance, monkey, right? Just create, don't talk.

I don't really blame them tho. I'd probably feel the same way if I was in their shoes but still. I wish it could have lasted a little longer. It was nice feeling like I was a part of something for once.

[feyrytale]

Not really a vent but I'm still going to put a soft warning here for talk about depression and existential distress.

I know I should be alarmed at this void in my chest and head but it's like there is no fuel left for emotions. I still split, still hurt, never for long tho. It's just this monotony. Nothing is fun. I'm on autopilot every day going through the motions. There are short moments of emotion here and there but it feels like there is a weight suffocating me. I think it's the loneliness because that thought is the only thing that can still make me cry. For a moment. Then it passes, I remind myself that I isolated myself by choice to protect everyone else and with it the nothingness returns.

My adhd has gotten bad. I can't focus on anything. I constantly forget things. But I can't take medication for it because it blows up my bpd. I know I'm going to lose my job soon. With therapy not being an option and without any support system all I can do is tumble down slowly.

I know I'm being dramatic and nobody wants this shit in their dash. But I. I guess i just. I barely exist anymore. I don't want to be forgotten. There is a human here. Somewhere. I don't know. There's no point in reaching out to people anymore. Nobody can deal with me so I end up here soon again either way. I have tried. I'm 30. Three decades of the same routine. It's not going to change anymore.

Sigh

Break is over. Back to work. Going to try to be at least useful to some people still. If someone is still reading this, take care. I hope your day is good and someone compliments you on something you are insecure about. Thank you for recognising that I exist.

[feyrytale]

Vent. Please scroll by or at least leave me alone. please.

I don't know what to do. I'm not coping. I'm doing poorly because I am desperately alone, but because I am doing poorly I can't connect to other people, and it just… it's feeding on itself. It just gets worse. I can't do this alone, but I have nothing and nobody. There is literally no therapist in my area who takes anyone who is not a young adult or younger with bpd. I'm too old. nobody wants me. not even doctors. Sat on a waiting list for over a year even tho the psych who referred me noted me as a suicide risk. It didn't matter. I have nowhere to go and no matter how hard i try it keeps getting worse. This was the last place I had where I could at least get how I feel off my chest and now that has been taken, too. I am so very exhausted. I wish I was better. It's too heavy. I was just a child. Why didn't they protect me? It's not fair. It's not fair

[feyrytale]

I do not know how i am supposed to go to work like this tomorrow in the middle of a complete mental break how am i supposed... i can't mask this away for like 11h straight until i am back home. i am barely holding it together here at home with nobody around. I'm scared.

[feyrytale]

Having to start over socially in your 30s is... for me it is just impossible.

Everyone in my age range already has an established social circle. Everyone has their best friends, their partners, their in-group. With them I am always just a body, someone who is kinda there but is never a part of the circle. The one you ask last, the one you replace first. The one who is constantly forgotten.

Younger people... i just cannot keep up with. I am constantly exhausted from managing my work and private life and no matter how hard I try I'm always left behind.

People older than me have no patience for my issues and see me as a bother. Which I understand. So I do not bother them.

So then where... where do I go? I fit nowhere. I have nothing.

I can't cope with this loneliness. I have trouble feeling like a real person at the best of days and knowing that should I "vanish" one day nobody but the people at work would even notice or be impacted at all. It makes me want to give up. I tried. I gave it my most earnest attempts and I failed each time. I surrender. I just wish I was brave enough to actually throw in the towel.

[feyrytale]

Mmmmm yes, we love it when our mom tells us to off ourselves casually just mid conversation. Ma'am you know my history with mental illness, pls don't joke...

[feyrytale]

doesn't really matter what i do, i will never feel like i'm enough

there is a hole in my soul trying to swallow me

and one day soon i think i'll let it.

i am tired

[feyrytale]

Oh.

...

The sadness when you text someone you have been moots with for years, get no response, then see they unfollowed you.

I'm just

....

No more friends.

No more crushes.

No more effort towards other people.

I really tried. And tried. And tried.

No more.

[feyrytale]

((quietly crawls back to her tumblr)) I guess I will just stay here.

Really hurts how fast I got dropped. That's just how social media is.

It... it be like that.

[feyrytale]

With the recent influx of art from me these past weeks I noticed a bunch of new people from the FFXIV fandom following me, so I feel like I need to post a small disclaimer here. This is mostly a personal account. As such I vent here from time to time and will sometimes reblog darker themed posts that one may find triggering. Really dark stuff will be tagged #burningtar but most of it will not, so if you only wish to follow me for the things I draw I would like to redirect you to my twitter, which is here: This will take you to Feyrytales on twitter.

I appreciate the love the final fantasy community has shown me but I do not want to end up upsetting anyone. I sadly am kinda fucked up and since I can't really hold social contacts and have nobody to talk to this is more or less my vent space.

[feyrytale]

You gotta admit it's bad when the list of things you are given that folks would rather do than hang out with you is more numerous than the days you got to meet up this year.

I give up

Tired of coming home sobbing in the dark.

I'll just be alone. At least in solitude I can't be abandoned anymore.

No more trying to keep others around. If I'm not wanted then so be it. You can't force love, affection or friendship.

If nobody cares about me I need to stop caring about others.

[feyrytale]

> Insert post #355681 of me lamenting my loneliness while also being acutely aware of the fact that I am far too much to handle for others and am toxic to any form of human bond

ItBeLikeThat.png

[feyrytale]

Bpd culture is always being the one to apologize and grovel under people so they don't walk away even if you're the one who was hurt and objectively did nothing wrong.

Like I'm sorry I was sad when you did a thing that made me sad, I didn't mean to show negative emotions. Please don't abandon me I promise I'll be good.

Bpd culture is expressing you're disappointed and people immediately assuming you're trying to guilt them and be manipulative.

You're not allowed to have negative emotions if people know about your illness. Being sad is fine and they will be happy to help but the second they find out you're borderline it's over. Compassion turns into disgust and anger.

I don't understand.

If I'm in a low that's when I need kindness the most. So then why do I only get it when I am being 'good'? Am I only here to entertain?

It's been a trend with meeting people and those I already knew finding out about my diagnosis.

Please.

We don't need you to be our therapist.

Please just be our friends...

[feyrytale]

I think the worst part about my illness has to be the fact that when I do have an episode, I completely lose the ability to self-soothe.

It's not that I don't want to. I have coping mechanisms, but in the moment my brain will not shut off. It will not allow me to rip the reins around and pull it away from the downward spiral. I just have to go through it, and now that I'm completely alone and have nobody to help distract me when I notice it starting it's completely wrecked my life.

The only thing I can still do is realize I'm about to break down and remove myself as fast as I can from any other people around me so they don't have to deal with my bullshit.

It's pure agony.

I would not wish this on my worst enemy, and I say this with my full chest. Nobody should have to feel this pain.

[feyrytale]

Fleeing back to tumblr for a bit. Twitter is fucking scary for me as a non neurotypical person...

It's so incredibly overwhelming.

Between the MAPs, incest shippers, discourse, constant bombardment with opinions and simulation and suddenly being interacted with a ton by complete strangers right after being quite isolated here on my silly little blog is... It's something alright.

I went there with the full intention to stay in my lane and only post art but the dopamine of people actually speaking to me and praising me gave me such a high that i decided it was a good idea to start rambling about my current fixation and it left me with such intense shame that i started crying and hid in the bathroom during my lunch break right after panic-deleting all related tweets again.

I really wish i could actually make friends because then i could just... talk to them instead and would not be so tempted to blurt out what's on my soul at any given chance. But we all know that's not happening. It's the worst and I'm sorry for being such a Debbie Downer about the subject yet again. I'm going to do my best to bounce back but fuck me today has been the absolute worst.

At least it gave me the energy to draw more. I'll take any win i can get at this point, haha