#but I literally cannot get my brain focussed enough to have a conversation

[thementalistscandidate]

Girls be so fucking fatigued they can’t even make basic phone calls (it’s me I’m girls)

[astrofireworks]

okay so when ticketmaster announced that there was going to be a group photo option for the astro ny fanmeet i hauled my ass to the gym for the first time in three years and ahHHHH: a binu version 

okay so we know bin goes to the gym fairly often

eunwoo,,,,,,,,,,,, does not, 

i mean he probably does but for the purposes of fic let’s ignore that

it takes a lot for eunwoo to go to the gym 

mostly because he doesn’t like to exercise around other people bc the people who go to the gym regularly are gym rats and they all are hella fit and he doesn’t want to be the only one puffing away on the elliptical 

and so he locates the most deserted gym on campus bc hey if nobody goes there it lessens the chance of running into someone right?

cue eunwoo going to the gym at 11pm at night bc hey, that’s when everyone’s doing their homework or preparing to go to sleep right? who’s going to be at the gym? 

nobody

he hopes 

eunwoo climbing onto the elliptical and putting his music on and starting  a forty minute cycle 

also eunwoo being hella bored bc all he has to look at is himself 

in the mirror

which i mean, isn’t a bad sight but it’s also kind of boring 

eunwoo frowning and hopping off the elliptical 

eunwoo fishing his laptop out and by some magical feat manages to balance it between the electronic board and the handles 

hell yeah time to catch up on all the fancams he didn’t manage to watch during finals 

eunwoo going to his fave btob fansite and loading focus cams of sungjae 

good shit!!!!

eunwoo bopping along to the songs on the elliptical and watching sungjae dance 

bin blinking blearily at his alarm clock 

HECK 

he was supposed to wake up from his nap at 6 so he could work out before dinner 

it’s now

11pm

heck 

bin groaning and tugging his shoes on 

thank god there’s a gym right downstairs in the basement of his dorm and thank god literally nobody uses it 

bin grabbing his water bottle and heading downstairs 

eunwoo jamming out to movie when suddenly this guy comes in 

rip

r i p 

it’s already too late he has his laptop propped really obviously and a fancam of sungjae is playing he can’t take any of it back 

whatever anyway he was here first, this other guy can judge him eunwoo’s leaving soon anyway!!!

bin squinting at the guy in the gym

he’s seen strange things in the gym before

like this one girl filming a dance audition using the mirrors in the gym 

but this is the first time he’s walked into the gym to see someone using his laptop on the elliptical 

wait

is that a fancam 

bin squinting but dammit he didn’t bring his glasses down so he can’t see who the hell the fancam is of

bin lowkey hoping it’s of jungkook so he can watch too bc he’s behind on his jungkook fancam watch-later list

bin sliding onto the elliptical next to the guy

and at this point he’s been focussing on the laptop bc heck he wants to know who the fancam is of

listen when the girl slid onto the elliptical next to me i had a mini anxiety shot bc there were like 3 other ellipticals to choose from yet she picked the one right next to me i nearly wept

eunwoo:

eunwoo @ god: WHY 

bin squinting at the laptop bc he doesn’t know if he doesn’t recognise whoever it is or if it’s just bc he doesn’t have his glasses on 

bin starting his work out while trying to sneak glances 

eunwoo trying his best to ignore the guy next to him

because HECK he’s f i t 

he’s had his eyes on the guy the moment he opened the door to the gym and

good lord 

he doesn’t know if it’s allowed or whatever to wear tank tops in the gym (it is) but it should be illegal 

bc the guy next to him ??? has biceps the size of eunwoo’s face probably

and he’s pounding away at double eunwoo’s speed and he literally isn’t even breaking a sweat

and he looks so focussed and go dd a m n his eyes

asjdlfhakjsd i want to describe it but i literally cannot see bin as sexy he’s stuck as a small whiny younger brother in my brain send help

eunwoo nearly crying

but also crying bc heck sungjae is one beautiful man like has anyone ever biased someone this amazing??? no 

bin giving up bc heck !!!!! whoever it is dances pretty well 

i mean, nobody, in bin’s humble opinion, can compare to bin’s ultimate bias *flips hair* but

he wants to kn o w 

bin coughing slightly and finally looking up at the guy with the laptop and asking: “uh so, who is that?”

uh

woah

forget whoever it was on the screen

the guy next to him???? bin is about to CHOKE

?????????

what the heck??????

even with his hair swept away from his eyes with sweat and his cheeks ruddy

nobody should look this beautiful while working out ????/

bin about to fall off the damn elliptical 

eunwoo screaming internally bc HECK 

he was anxious enough before with someone getting onto a machine this close to him

and got even more anxious when he looked up and found out the new guy was hella fit ?????

and now ???? the guy wants to talk ?????????????

eunwoo about to chOKE 

but also it’s about sungjae and he’s very happy to promote his ult thank u very much 

eunwoo: “ah yeah, this is sungjae from btob?”

bin slowing the heck down on his own machine bc he’s damn ready to fkin fly off 

if that guy’s face wasn’t enough to stun him off the elliptical his voice ?????????? literally??????????? the most beautiful thing bin has ever heard????? 

forget his ult, this guy at the gym is his new ult than k s 

and he’s looking at bin with a curious and slightly shy expression and bin’s heart is literally this close to flying out of his chest 

eunwoo: ???????

he literally hasn’t responded to eunwoo is he okay 

is he that wowed by sungjae bc eunwoo can 1000% relate 

so can i tbh and sungjae isn’t even my bias in btob

eunwoo: “uh yeah do you stan btob too?”

wait

alarms going off in eunwoo’s head bc !!!!!!! DAMMIT if he stanned btob he wouldn’t have to ask eunwoo who the person on screen was dhfkdjkhsdjfhalskjdf

ajsdfhlaksjdfh dammit eunwoo !!! good job making a fool of yourself you’re never going to talk to him again good job for messing this up !!!!

bin finally recovering himself and remembering social conventions and yes he has to reply 

bin: “ah no, i stan another group haha”

bin:

eunwoo:

eunwoo panicking slightly bc wtf he wasn’t listening clearly before but this guy has the softest voice he’s ever heard and now that he’s looking directly at eunwoo ???????

eunwoo’s pretty sure his face is about to set on fire 

if he asks to know more about btob eunwoo doesn’t know what he’s going to do 

if he agrees he’s pretty sure he’d combust halfway through them talking asdhfjkasdhlf especially if the guy keeps looking at him the same way he’s looking at eunwoo now with his sparkling eyes and his cute cat smile

but also if he says no he’ll never see this guy again so !!!

what do what do !!!!!!

bin:

dammit he can’t let the conversation slip now ????? what if he never sees this angel again???? so

beep beep time to be shameless 

bin: “ah but i’d love to know more about this group, if you have the time?”

eunwoo flushing and nodding before he can stop himself 

oh lord  

heyyyyy introducing someone to the best vocal group of all time??? eunwoo’s shit 1000%

doing all this without his heart combusting ?? whoops 

bin: “ah great, it’s a date then!”

eunwoo: nearly falls off the elliptical 

i mean the girl who started talking to me was an army and she left the gym literally two minutes after i told her it was a moonbin fancam but maybe one day ;;;; 

[anthrat]

The Akatsuki members as high-school students

Has this been done before? Probably! Do I care? No, because these are my terrible headcanons and nobody can take them from me.

A/N: This has been in my drafts for a long time, probably since early February. I’ve been lacking motivation to do anything at all for months and lo and behold, I find this basically finished piece bar one character. I really, really want to start writing again but I’m struggling to think of ideas, so if you have any requests for future headcanons/one shots/etc feel free to slide me a message or something :)

He's definitely the generic super intelligent kid who gets straight A's in pretty much every subject. All of his notes are really well organised, he keeps bullet journals and everything is colour coded - mans notes are literal art. His handwriting is definitely beautiful, we're talking professional calligrapher here.

All of his equipment is immaculate, he cries if one of his books gets a crease or something on it somehow. If you accidentally nudge him or ruin his notes he will silently hold a grudge against you forever - he probably won't act on his grudge though, he just wants to blend in and he dislikes conflict in general.

Despite being fully aware of his intelligence he hardly ever speaks up in classes. He only really speaks when spoken to and so is renown as the token quiet kid. I also envision him as being super pretentious, although he doesn't show it he definitely thinks he's better than everyone else.

His favourite subject would be English because he enjoys analysing anything and everything. If you're friends with him he will make comments on how random pieces of media etc. are a representation of -insert important world issue or theory.- He'd also like art despite it being the only subject he's not very good at. All his art is abstract, he will draw a pink square and claim it represents a patriarchal society.

Doesn't have many friends because he isn't very talkative, spends most of his time at school alone doing schoolwork. Sees school purely as an educational setting and so doesn't see the point in making an attempt to be social.

All of his school equipment looks like it's been mauled by 300 dogs because its all second/third/fourth+ hand. Man would never pay full price for a textbook. He definitely steals all the faculty equipment too. You could fill an entire room with the amount of stationary this man has but he will NEVER lend it to anyone else. If he does lend you something it's because its either A) broken B) barely functional (so like pens which can write 2 letters before running out) or C) you're giving him something better in return/paying for it (even then he'll probably take whatever he lent you back without you realising)

He also definitely runs mini-shops in school where he'll sell stolen equipment and things like sweets/chewing gum/trendy items (he made bank when fidget spinners were a thing) for like triple what they're actually worth.

His favourite subject is definitely history (He's a crusty dusty old man so of course) but he will never admit this. He takes business and economics but hates them, he's already done all of his own research into the subjects and is only doing them to get the qualification. Definitely complains about how he already knows it all already and it's a waste of time for him to learn it again. His only conversation topic is him talking about how he's going to set up his own business as soon as he leaves school.

Is very intelligent but only gets average grades in most subjects because he refuses to try if he dislikes the subject or sees it as a waste of time.

Watched DeathNote once and now thinks he's an actual real life version of Light Yagame. Carries around his own DeathNote and threatens to write people's name in it.

Convinced that he's been bestowed with supernatural powers, whenever he speaks he does lots of flashy hand gestures, - think generic cool-dude protagonist poses - these change depending on what piece of media he's currently obsessed with. His personality also changes alongside the poses.

Basically what I'm trying to say is he's the over-saturated 'weird anime kid' with a touch of superiority complex. Although, he's super confident and has absolutely 0 shame in this fact.

Bless his little heart, he loves writing but is the definition of 'uses complicated words without knowing what they mean'. He's still decently smart though. His grades would probably be pretty average because he struggles to apply himself properly. His favourite subject would definitely be something like sociology where he can freely express his profound ideas, even if some of them are completely god awful. He'd also enjoy any subject which gives him creative freedom such as art or English.

Cannot see this lad as anything but a jock. He loves sports, lives and breathes them. He's probably a member of practically every single sports team and is surviving on the basis he has a sports scholarship of some kind.

Despite him being a jock he'd be the most approachable out of all the Akatsuki members. He's the kind of guy who no matter who you are he'd always be happy to crack jokes and talk with you. He definitely brings in way too much food, he's that dude who brings a whole mini banquet to school every day for no discernible reason. He's always happy to share though, he's definitely the kind of guy who if he saw someone sat by themselves at lunch he'd sit with them and offer them food.

His grades would be a little on the lower side because most of his free time is taken up with all his sports, however, he'd still work hard at his academics regardless. If anything this man is probably the most dedicated, he would hate the fact that he's falling behind all his classmates but at the same time would rather die than give up any of his extracurricular activities.

He'd be fairly popular because of his naturally easygoing and humorous nature, but people would rarely ever invite him to events as they'd just assume he was busy.

Konan is an absolute babe, the kindest and most caring person in the whole school. Forgotten your lunch? She'll buy you some or give you her own. Didn't do your homework? Bitch will give you hers to copy, if it's an essay or something she'll sit with you and help you write it. Looking a little upset? Konan's right there to try and cheer you up even if you aren't friends.

Despite how wonderful and 100/10 a person she is she probably won't have many close friends. She'll get used a lot by others who take advantage of her good nature. She's smart enough to know what they're doing but she doesn't care, she's happy to be of help to anyone even if they don't appreciate it.

She's a bit of a teachers pet though, she's on super good terms with every teacher in the school even if she doesn't take the subjects they teach. Most of her breaks/lunches would be taken up by her helping with display boards or whatever.

Her favourite subject would be geography, she'd really enjoy learning about different cultures and societies. I can see her just really enjoying learning about how rivers are formed and stuff like that as well. Her least favourite would be something like math which is only fact based, she enjoys being able to look at things from different perspectives.

Also bitch would bake all the time, literally every lesson she'd whip out a box of cakes/cookies/anything else she'd baked the night before to share with the whole class.

Carries knives around with him because he thinks they make him look cool. He can and will whip one out at any given opportunity so he can flex a knife trick on you. His knife tricks suck though, he always drops them or cuts himself, if you try and walk away he'll beg you to stay claiming that fortieth time's the charm or something.

He never shows up to lessons, he doesn't even know what one is. If you ever ask him what subjects he takes he'll look at you blankly and ask what you mean. If he ever is in a lesson it's because he was dragged there by a member of staff. Honestly, the few lessons he's actually present for are so chaotic teachers find themselves praying he doesn't show up. Being as he never willingly shows up he'll never know what subject it is, and he'll ask insanely bizarre questions un-ironically because he gives no fucks and has no idea what is happening. For example, you'll be learning about arteries in biology and he'll ask something like "What ingredients do we need?" because he'll have confused arteries with artichoke and think he's in a home economics lesson.

Despite being the weird knife kid he's pretty popular, he's so completely brain dead and unaware of his surroundings that its impossible not to get along with him. He doesn't have the critical thought to bully anyone and so even if he tries to be horrible it always comes off as though he's just trying to be funny.

Oh dear oh lord what can I say about Zetsu? Zetsu is an absolute shit show of a student. Black Zetsu I can see as being very academic focussed, with their favourite subjects being religion, politics and some form of economics. I imagine they’d be very active within school politics/religious scenes, probably the head of some sort of group for both.

Black Zetsu would also be interested in applying for positions such as Head of Year, Class Representative and anything similar. They’re a big control freak and as a result have basically 0 friends. People would find them overbearing and awful to be around. They’re the incredibly opinionated kid who dismisses anything which they don’t personally agree with.

White Zetsu on the over hand, hoo boy. Class clown obviously. The living bane of Black Zetsu. If Black Zetsu wants class representative then you know people will vote for white Zetsu instead because he’s infinitely more popular. He’s incredibly weird but in such an innocent and goofy way they’d have a large group of friends. They wouldn’t be popular per say, but they’d be friends with practically everyone.

Their favourite subject would probably be biology because sex jokes, but I also think they’d enjoy English because uhh… Sex jokes. I just can’t see White Zetsu taking school even slightly seriously.

He basically lives in the art department. If you walk near him he will tag along and start talking to you about art, it doesn’t matter who you are you will be forced to listen to his speech.

Incredibly confident and has no issue starting a conversation with anyone. He's definitely the type of person who every time you see him he'd be with a completely different group of people, whether they want him there or not.

Despite his weird constant art rants he'd be the life and soul of the party. He's always fun to be around purely because of how much energy he has. He'd be the kid who makes everyone laugh completely on accident, although people would probably be laughing more at him than with him.

He'd probably get invited to lots of places by other kids just so he could be the butt of every joke. He wouldn't mind though, he'd brush it off and probably enjoy the attention he gets from it.

Most of his friends would end up being people who know nothing about art though, all the students who participated in any artistic subjects would stay far away in fear of him starting another argument about art.

If the art class ever does clay his has to be put in the kiln separately because it always blows up. He also has a habit of 'accidentally' damaging other people's art if he dislikes it. Eventually he would mellow out and start appreciating other forms.

Nobody knows who he is, people will have sat next to him for years and won't even know his name. The amount of times his name is called in the register and people will pipe up with "who's that?" or "didn't he move to another school?" is genuinely concerning. He doesn't care though, he'd rather go through school completely unnoticed.

Excels at all subjects (besides sports, he's never showed up to a PE lesson because of 'health reasons') despite putting very little effort into academics. His favourite subjects would be biology and math. He'd absolutely hate art as a subject, preferring to do art in his free time rather than make it into a chore at school. He'd have been put in Deidara's class at least once and it would have completely ruined all enjoyment of art as a subject for him. He'd also hate any subjects which prompt discussion such as English or sociology, he doesn't have any opinions on them and he doesn't care to listen to anyone else's.

Honestly, dude is the definition of a background character at school. He just simply does not exist, and I have mad respect for him. On the off chance anyone even tried to speak to him he'd probably completely ignore them, the only communication he has at school is through emails with teachers. He has 0 interest in making friends when they have nothing in common with him.

Another character sort of hard to pinpoint. He’d probably be somewhat similar to White Zetsu, but not quite as popular. He’d be a right teachers pet, with few friends his own age. He’d probably spend spend all his breaks and lunches with teachers in their classrooms, offering to help them with display boards etc.

Despite being a teachers pet he wouldn’t be academic whatsoever. He’d always try his best but bless him, he’s terrible at every subject and ends up constantly making a fool of himself. He’s definitely the sort to raise his hand to make a really great point, but his really great point is basically repeating the lesson objective. When studying of mice of men he definitely asked “what’s the name of Curly’s wife’s husband?”

His favourite subject, regardless of his ineptitude would be drama. He’d always be the most melodramatic and over the top in every character he played, not really caring what other people thought of him. In fact, that’s probably his best feature. Despite his lack of popularity he’d always unapologetically be himself, his goofy and over the top self.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

If we’re thinking more about Obito, I’d like to imagine for the sake of this headcanon Tobi is what he’s like during lower school years and then suddenly one summer he comes back and he’s completely matured into this foreign character unrecognisable to nobody.

He’d become incredibly serious, forgoing the role of energetic teachers pet to a much more muted one. He’d still be just as terrible at all his lessons, and still spend most of his time around teachers rather than others his age but he’d no longer have that fun spark. He’d probably start caring greatly about what people thought of him so his latter years would be trying to stay under the radar completely.

[020483anomalies]

--- I: SIGNALS

I have a very strong belief that I inherently have a genetic disposition towards mental disturbances.

Through development in my adolescent years, I encountered a lot of bullying which was taken very irrationally. Some came from friends I saw and interacted with every day, and this caused a deeper questioning into all my relationships with others. Some of the bullying came from acquaintances, which is easier to shake off, but reinforced a lot of disturbing thoughts towards myself. Many self-hatred thoughts came to absolutes and I was convinced that I was not able to have a normal life. That my brain was not good for me. That no person genuinely liked me, and anyone who did was falling for my ability to "act normal."

In college, a big part of my identity was challenged when I attempted to apply to a competitive major at my university. It led to very depressive episodes, and some were very psychotic. I felt the need to confront all of those who "did this to me" or "made me feel this way." I felt that I needed people close to me to confront those who hurt me, as well. I was convinced that my story would be a spectacle, that I didn't deserve this fate, and that I would be a martyr to end this grotesque treatment of students here. I, stupidly, posted about wanting to commit suicide online. In public.

I ended up being forced into counseling because of suicide threats, except I was already seeking counseling. I felt like my concerns weren't being treated. I felt like I was a concern for the school, and they felt that treating me, as an illness to them, was the solution. It didn't seem like anyone took my problems seriously.

During college, I had a lot of episodes. There was a time I broke in the library and became convinced that my level of intelligence was perfect for committing crimes. I thought that I should impact the world by harming others, because I was a broken person, and this was what broken people did. If the world wasn't going to accept me as a computer science major, I wanted nothing else. My entire childhood was warped around my future self, reinforced through parenting "you can go if you have good grades" and "no, because you need to do this for your future." I shared the homicidal thoughts with my counselor, because it scared me. The next day, I felt none of those feelings. I didn't want to hurt anyone and I don't know why I thought I should. In another incident, while screaming at my mother, I emptied what were about 20 of my antidepressants and ended up experiencing serotonin syndrome. That was the second time. Let's not forget the time I actually got sent to the hospital for being a danger to myself.

In another time, I was convinced that they only way my (now former) boyfriend could prove he loved me, was to use his position as a computer science major to question and confront admissions about my rejection. I was convinced that it was going to be truly cathartic.

This made me question memories that I find embarrassing. When I was 13, I was invited to a birthday party and I said to an acquaintance "this place looks like a run down shack." I literally cannot express how inn appropriate this was. The thing is, it happens a lot. Friends come up to me a few times a year and talk about something I said before, and nothing about what they claim seems to align with any sense of self I have about myself. When did I say this? One time, after dinner with my (former) boyfriend's family, he asked me "why did you say your parents used to yell at you?" and I said "is that weird to say?" There are probably many more, including one that happened last week I still can't admit to at this moment, but obviously, my brain is trying to forget them.

I can't explain to people why I am so extremely happy. I can articulate why I am sad, but it doesn't make sense. I always had very irregular energy levels and mood swings. But growing up female, it was very easy to point the finger towards hormonal issues. There was a time my mother cried over the phone and told me that she made a mistake with that assumption. She deeply regret not addressing or attempting to treat my mental illnesses earlier in life. I cried too.

--- II: HIGH-FUNCTIONING

The problem is, I lose a lot of control over my words when my brain is in an "excited state." I have come to terms that this is something that happens to me with little explanation. I can recognize it, ride it out, and it makes me productive. It's extremely stimulating. Originally, I thought it was an introvert thing; I talked to too many people, so I go home and feel drained. Except it doesn't play out that way for me. I talk to people, get really excited about sharing everything that pops into my mind, no matter how deep, until I go home and realize what I've done. Then I sit with an anxious feeling, guilt, regret, and a general sense that I lost control of myself. This has not gotten better with time.

Over my life, I have exhibited many levels of concerning behavior on several different levels.

Recently, I found myself in a competitive major, with the accepted rate of 29%. I also found myself surrounded my people who occasionally noted their appreciation for me. In addition, I obtained a fairly technical internship. Many positive events in my life, all at once, sparked a lot of joy. I repeatedly boasted about being happy, because I knew people wanted to see me happy. And I felt very, very happy. Everyone has seen me at a depressed state for so long, and I never knew how good it felt to not be haunted by my torturous past.

With added stress, I find myself exhibiting concerning behavior. Because I am fairly well-educated, I have a strong background on harm reduction in substance use. It also gave me avenues for exploring lesser-known substances. Although I remain safe, I find my life revolving around substance use and occasionally dependencies. Not physically dependent, but the mindset "I need this for the most productive day" or "I need one of these to stay awake tonight." For some reason, I felt the need to be a role model of extremes. That someone could be both equally successful as well as live a very "festive" life.

I always thought it was funny. The fact that I was so good on paper, but so terrible in other scopes. Here was this 4.0 GPA, 7 AP tests passed, national honor society, washington aerospace scholar, and cofounder of a FIRST robotics club. On the other hand, I had such strong warnings with sex and drugs. I wasn't the failing school rehab story, I was my own nuanced slew of concerns. Part of this I attribute to growing up in an Asian American culture. To this day, I have never been out of a relationship for more than a few months. The longest I had been single was a summer during college, where I managed several sexual relationships with others in a very reckless way. I was in a relationship with someone 5+ years older at 15, began smoking marijuana too early, and before my 18th birthday experienced other celebratory substances. I ran away from home a lot, snuck out a lot, and fought with my parents all the time. I used to have extreme tantrums, screaming at the top of my lungs. Before 21, the list continues. All these problems were hidden because of my career related success.

Truly, this combination in my youth makes me feel invincible. I gloat about it in my head every single day, and I call it the counting of my blessings. Although I lately believe that this is an overwhelmingly positive view on my life. In the later stages of adolescence, I adopted a lot of coping mechanisms and understood mental health as spectrum and process, rather than diagnoses and treatment. I began to pay a lot of attention to diet and exercise, as well as express gratitude when possible. I developed really strong communication skills to my loved ones. I never pointed fingers or threatened a romantic/non-romantic breakup. I became really, really good at admitting my own feelings even to people who are not very close to me. Vulnerability was my strength, and in a lot of self-help and counseling areas, it is seen as a positive thing.

Unfortunately, being able to control destructive behaviour in the physical world has led come to this: there are no more obvious signals.

I am mindful about everything. I'm not reckless with money because I idealize minimal possessions. I'm not destructive or tumultuous in friendships/relationships because I am aware of where my emotions are coming from and I habitually express gratitude. My school or work doesn't decline because I have all the career advice that prevents me from over-focussing on them.

--- III: SHINING FRAMENTS

When I meet people, I don't think there's a hint that I was ever so mentally ill. I make it obvious through admittance, because I choose to control how others see me. I have so many odd habits and behaviors that are just unexplained if people don't know that I used to have little friends, bullied, and suicidal. For people I cannot have a long conversation with, it is a struggle, because I know what I appear as at first, and on social media, and I struggle with the judgment.

Ultimately, I find that everything does impact my day-to-day life quite a bit. I feel I can never control my emotional reactions; only tame them physically and mentally. I have to spend so many hours of my day recovering from something I feel shame, guilt, or embarrassed about. I get my work done, but only because I mentally know the essential steps I need to take in order to succeed in my career. And when I am working, I feel flustered and unmotivated the entire time. I basically feel "accomplished enough" and can only focus on the desire to waste time or 'celebrate life.'

I think so much that my analytical skills are so valuable in school, work, and friendships, but it's the thoughts that are sending my emotions too far in every direction.

All of the disturbances I experience are hidden. Over time I acquired the skills to manage anger, talk through sadness, practice study skills, exercise, etc. It feels like a full time job to need to manage every aspect of my life to be in control the moment my emotions aren't what I want them to be.

What triggered me to reflect so deeply on this is that I feel so disturbed by my own emotions, even when truly believing and knowing that nothing is truly wrong in my life. Perhaps there may be something wrong with my brain, post-depression. Yet, if it never affects my grades, my work, or even my relationships, no one will ever take it seriously.

But I can't ignore that the way I experience emotions right now is making me lose my sense of self.