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cubeswhump · 4 years

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Defy Fate; Reanimate, part 1: The Pieces of Osiris

Gonna make it clear that I got “Defy fate / Reanimate” from this song. This story takes inspiration from Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein but I kinda took the barest base of it and ran wild.

For much of my childhood, I was dead set on being a forensic pathologist. Then I got autistic burnout which turned into a nervous breakdown and had to reevaluate my life plan. I still have a huuuuuge love for forensics/pathology and I finally put it to use. A bit too much use. You’re gonna learn about rates of decay today.

Note: Part 2 is already written and will be posted tomorrow or the day after.

Tagging @more-miserables and @brutal-nemesis

Warning for gore, self-harm (not done from depression or misery), terminal illness, whump of a minor (via flashback), death (death is a whole ass focal point of this story so be warned), drugging, creepy whumper (like super creepy), consensual mildly-NSFW stuff that doesn't go anywhere, semi-professional surgery, dismemberment, disembowelment, general grossness.

Dearil was a constant; Lorelai barely remembered life without him. He showed up in first grade an awkward little boy who didn't speak a word of English and she was the happy helper with dozens of gold stars who took him under her wing. But they grew up and he learned English and gained confidence while Lorelai retreated into her shell.

Dearil seemed the type of kid who would be bullied relentlessly: openly gay, overweight, embraced his feminine side with pinks and purples and earrings, grew his hair longer than any boy at school, could tell you every plot point of Bleach and Naruto but couldn't follow a conversation, did these things with his hands that were later identified as stimming. However, he never held his tongue and had this air of confidence that even the mean kids respected. It was quiet, studious Lorelai they picked on, but no one dared bother her when big Dearil stood next to her. When chemotherapy made him lose his hair when they were sixteen, some classmates even shaved their heads to show support.

They stayed close even Dearil repeated eleventh grade because health complications made him miss so much school. They stayed nest best friends even when Lorelai graduated six months early, when he took a gap year, when Lorelai got into medical school. Even when the dreaded Boyfriebds stuck their feet in.

The two shared an apartment while Dearil worked on a degree in business and Lorelai was kept busy as an assistant in a morgue and full-time student. They had big dreams, but Dearil's were much more feasible: he planned to open a bakery that exclusively hired neurodivergent teens and young adults. Lorelai's plans?

"They only don't want to mix magic and medicine becahse the pharmaceutical companies will lose money!" she growled, glaring daggers at the emailed rejection of her thesis.

"People fear what they don't understand. I mean, science can't explain it and it's pretty fucking crazy," Dearil replied, shrugging. "If I had to explain it, I'd say it's kinda like equivalent exchange in Fullmetal Alchemist, right? I don't really get how it works. But you're smart. You're strong-willed. You'll do great."

She didn't get his anime comparisons, but she could get lost in the sould of his voice. If she could bottle it she would drink nothing else for the rest of her life.

Then another Boyfriend came along and she heard that voice less and less. She hated everything about Frankie: the way he zipped around on that noisy motorcycle (and how dare he wear the only helmet while Dearil rode around unprotected), his spikey hair, his smug smile, his grating laughter, his leathee jackets, his lips on Dearil's.

She refrained from hexing him. She wasn't a bad person who would use witchcraft to cause harm. Her acts were subtle and harmless: placing red rose petals in Dearil's pockets and shoes and placing petunia petals in Frankie's.

"I don't know what the flowers mean but I'm guessing it's some passive-aggressive bullshit," Dearil huffed. "Cut it out."

He got a bit angrier when she tried to cut off a chunk of Frankie's stiff hair. It was just for a bad luck charm, nothing lethal, but she pled the fifth on that one.

"You're like a sister to me," Dearil reminded her that day after Frankieeft. He meant well, but she wanted to scream and cry and break things. But she forced herself to smile.

There was a thought that haunted her every day. She would be the maid of honor, perhaps wearing teal if Dearil's current hair color was anything to go by. She would have to give a speech and congratulate the grooms. Watch them kiss. It should be her under that altar! She should be wearing a white gown and veil!

She resigned to life as a lonely spinster. She'd be married to her job.

That was the worst thing she imagined happening, until life hit her like a truck... and the delivery was a truck.

Dearil was so late getting home again. Any minute now he'd call and tell her he was spending the night with Frankie. And sure enough her smartphone rang, but it wasn't Dearil.

"What's up, Kensia?" she asked, but the only response from Dearil's younger sister was sobbing. Instant dread. "Kensia? Come on, use words. I'm not a mind reader."

So Kensia spoke, and Lorelai would have preferred she didn't. She didn't remember getting off the phone. She didn't remember much of that night at all, but she couldn't forget all of it.

***

She almost didn't go to the funeral. She didn't want to wake up ever again. She thought about joining Dearil. But she got out of his bed, staggered to her bedroom, and searched her closet for appropriate attire.

The black dress was old and wouldn't cover the runes carved into her arms, but what did it matter if someone got uncomfortable? Fuck everyone else. The dress was tight in her waist and she bitterly realized that it would fit soon enough now that Dearil wouldn't be baking sugary treats all the time.

His mother came to greet her dressed in all white. The whole Jean-Pierre family wore white, even Dearil's dad whose wardrobe consisted of grey suits and plain ties. Catheline wrapped her up in a bone-crushing hug and Lorelai wanted to push her away and shout, "I'm not here for you!"

A cheap pine coffin for someone so great. What a disgrace. It was closed too. A closed-casket funeral was the most logical solution but it hirt Lorelai to know she wouldn't see his beautiful face ever again. That beautiful face was pulverized. Even Frankie, who was wearing a helmet, was killed so Dearil didn't stand a chance. He was killed on impact, painlessly.

Painless for who? It hurt so, so much.

She could scarcely hear the spoken eulogies over her own sobs, and declined to give one herself. Dearil's own mother wound up consoling Lorelai throughout the ceremony, rocking the young woman in her arms like a child. No words were shared until the end when Catheline walked Lorelai to her car.

"Traditionally in Haiti, we gather to mourn for nine days. It's a social gathering where we eat and drink and talk, nothing stiff and formal," Catheline explained through her own tears, smoothing Lorelai's messy ponytail. "You're part of the family, cheri. We want you to join us."

Like she wanted to waste her time at some social event. The only thing she wanted to do was lie in Dearil's bed and smell him on his pillow. But she couldn't shut Catheline down like that.

"Why nine days?" she asked.

"That's how long the soul takes to leave the body - that's what we Vodouists believe. We gather for nine days to assire the soul ascends safely and doesn't get stolen away by any petro loas. Evil spirits."

A pause. Lorelai got an odd look on her face. "Was he embalmed? Were his organs donated?"

Disgust flashed across Catheline's face for just a second. She took a deep breath. "We believe that harm dealt to the body after death harms the soul, so we don't usually embalm or donate organs. Dearil did want to donate his organs, you know what he's like, so we respected his wishes. He wasn't embalmed. Why do you ask?"

The question had a bit of an edge. She sniffed and dabbed her eyes.

Lorelai wasn't crying anymore, though her eyes were rimmed with red. "Catheline... If his soul is still on earth, could his body be saved?"

Catheline frowned. "What are you..." Her face contorted with horror. "No! I have nothing against you doing witchcraft, but this is where I put my foot down. Interfering with the soul? My son's soul? Imagine the pain he'd be in! How could you even think of that?"

Lorelai looked away from her. "I'm sorry... I'm just really... I'm not thinking. I wasn't thinking. I wouldn't do anything to harm her."

Cathine took her hands. "Look me in the eye. Promise me, Lorelai. Promise me you won't tamper with anything you shouldn't."

Lorelai sighed, looking into those honest brown eyes, eyes so much like Dearil's. "I promise."

***

She promised, but above-ground burial only existed to tempt grave robbers. It was a blessing; the universe wanted Lorelai to do this.

What wasn't a blessing was the man standing outside the mausoleum. Fucking Catheline must have held her suspicions and reported on them. The guard's head snapped her way, and she bolted.

"Hey!" he shouted. "What do you think you're doing?"

Every step toward her car, every step toward her front door was a knife twisting. She was leaving Dearil behind.

She went to the gathering to keep up appearances. She drank much-needed wine and ate Haitian foods even when she felt like the smallest bite of food would make her vomit. She and Catheline said nothing of their conversation, and the older woman hugged her a bit much for her liking.

The witches in the forums turned on her. They called necromancy evil and her plan foolish.

People like you are why people think so badly of us! wrote WitchBitch666. No one had any tips but MagickalShells wanted updates on her progress.

No one had done anything like this. At least, not in written history. She was completely on her own. But it wasn't the first time she did something crazy woth magic, though the forums were more help the last time.

The migraines. The vomiting. The paranoia. The way he couldn't catch his breath. Finally, the seizures. After the appointment with the neurologist, Dearil had called Lorelai crying.

Four tumors across his brain, all cancerous. Two inoperable, the structures too important and delicate.

Dearil needed her like he did when they were younger, but it wasn't enjoyable this time. The doctors estimated that he had ten months to live. They only offered to attempt to shrink the tumors with chemotherapy and "focus on his quality of life."

He slipped into a coma toward the end, and Lorelai grew desperate.

Lorelai knew little about witches. Heathens, Mama and Pedro called them. They voted for increased limitations on magic at any election - local, statewide, and nationwide. They wanted it to be outlawed entirely.

But she knew witches did things that couldn't be explained with science. Maybe science wasn't everything. So she turned to the forums.

Once a week she would rip off a fingernail with her pliers. She would sneak into Dearil's hospital room and put the fingernail under his mattress, then slice into his hand with a razor blade and draw a rune behind his ear with his blood.

Hospital staff increased security when they found the harm done to his body hand and the blood on his head, but he miraculously woke up after two weeks. He still had cancer, though, and her work wasn't done.

"You've been doing what?" he had cried when he was coherent and cognizant enough to understand, staring at the deep, angry red slash across his palm. She lunged for his hand and he stepped back. "And let me see your fucking nails!"

"Come on, you're dying," she pointed out. "What do you have to lose?"

He cringed, but they both knew she was right. So he would let her take his blood and sleep with finger and toenails under his pillow, though he shuddered to think about. She lost weight and grew pale as he regained what his mother called "bebe fat" and life returned to his eyes. The tumors shrank with each X-ray.

"You're doung this, aren't you?" asked Catheline, very seriously, and Lorelai had paled. But when the teenager bowed her head, Catheline pulled her into a hug. "Thank you, thank you, cheri. But don't kill yourself to save him."

Week eighteen. Lorelai's nails were growing back ever so slowly and terribly brittle. With two toenails left, she had to wonder what offering she would give when she ran out.

But with the next X-ray, it was announced that the boy who was supposed to be dead in mere months was in remission. He walked with a limp because of the damage the tumor did to his cerebellum, but physical therapy got that fixed up. He returned to school, behind a year, and Lorelai became fixated on influencing western medicine to adopt witchcraft, if not becoming the first doctor to use magic on her patients in the United States.

The guard was there the next night, but she made sure she wasn't seen. She linked herself to the ground and, urging him to hurry up and take a bathroom break or something. Dearin's brain was the most important thing to be kept, but the brain is one of the first things to go, ces collapsing just minutes after death. Every minute wasted waiting for this stupid guard was cellular death. Losing her Dearin.

An illusion spell. He ran to investigate the vandals kicking at tombstones and each footfall was like feet stomping on Lorelai's face. She was never so happy to feel pain though.

A spell to unlock the door would be a waste of energy. One of the runes on her chest was already seeping, and she needed to save her blood for tomorrow. She picked the lock and slipped inside as the "vandals" led the guard here and there, running him ragged.

Dearil didn't deserve to be in this house of nobodies. Name after useless name among the granite on the wall until she found a Dearil Jean-Pierre. She pried off the granite slab with her crowbar, and then the concrete under it. She dropped the concrete on her foot and puffed out her cheeks to keep in the profanities. The concrete broke in two, and she expected her throbbing toe did too.

She gripped the sides of his coffin and tugged. It took a minute to budge. Dearil wasn't very tall, and neither was Lorelai, but he was wide and heavy. Her face turned red and she grunted with effort. She jumped back as his coffin fell to the ground. It was still jammed shut, and she wished they still nailed coffins shut. She didn't know what this sealant wasade of, but it was rough.

Running out of time. Guard could come back. Hurry up.

The lid came out, and the smell. Oh god, the smell. She gagged, but it was nothing compared to when her flashlight landed on what was left of her friend.. No, that actually made her swallow back bile.

He was missing one arm, only a little mangled stub remaining in his empty sleeve, but that wasn't the problem. His face, God, his face. The left side was caved in, skin and dreadlocks torn away to reveal the gore. He didn't have much of a left eyebrow, his jaw leaned to one side with missing teeth gaping at her, and what was left of his nose was a bloody pulp with the little stud nosering glinting far from where his nostril was supposed to be. And his eyes, his gorgeous eyes... Grey-blue scleras, left eye protruding from the socket with black spots around the iris.

"Oh god, Dearil..." She rubbed her eyes, willing herself to get a grip.

This was the easy part; all she had to do was transport him. But how was she supposed to fit a 5'7", 185 pound man in an, albeit large, suitcase?

It felt so wrong undressing him. She wanted her first time seeing him nude to be consensual, but not one "yes" left his bloated lips. She tried not to look anywhere inappropriate, flushing under her mask.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," she whispered as she produced the bone saw from her gym bag. She held the flashlight in her mouth as she sliced into one thigh.

Rigor mortis had passed and he was soft abd squishy, but the femur was still rock solid. It took a bit of force and then she moved to the other leg. The smell increased tenfold, and ut got even worse when she swutched ti a scalpel and sliced off strips of his wobbly, pudgy belly.

His neck was already broken and any damage could be fixed, so she pushed his chin down to his chest, avoiding looking at those glassy eyes. His remaining arm was okay to stay. It was easy to angle and wrap around his head, and she secured the limb with tape before cramming him into the plastic-lined suitcase.

She put the lid on the coffin and lifted it back into its divot. It was much lighter now, only containing clothes, flaps of skin, and two legs, and there was no evidence if tampering at first glance. She pushed the two concrete halves together and into their place on the wall, shoving the granite slab in after. They kept sliding and threatening to fall, so in the end she went around prying off and smashing dozens of slabs. With so much damage, they won't know where to start, and if they find other caskets unaffected, maybe they won't check his...

This plan was falling apart. No it wasn't. It wasn't, it wasn't!

Connecting her senses to the grounds, she found the guard outside. She held a lighter to her hand, feeling the warmth, imagining a small explosion and fire. Runes bled onto her shirt. The guard ran off to check the exosion at the other side of the graveyard, shouting. Feet trampling her face.

It was just an illusion. She wasn't one for destruction magic or vandalism. Well... The mausoleum said otherwise about vandalism, but as she walked away it was out of sight and out of mind.

She still struggled to lift Dearil into the passenger's seat of her car, having to roll the windows down to deal with the odor. She plugged her phone into the auxiliary cord and played his favorite music. She was never a fan during his life, but now she loved the sound.

She didn't go to their apartment. No, that would be far too predictable. She still had a key to Mama and Pedro's beach house, and when she checked earlier that day she found that they hadn't chamged the locks. It was only an hour's drive and she could make that to and from work, school, home without running out of gas money.

The roar of waves crashing on the shore competed with the obnoxious rumbling of a heavy wheeled suitcase on cobblestone. She got inside and turned on the lights. The table was new, very nice with polished wood. She didn't feel at all remorseful putting Dearil's odorous, leaking body on the pristine surface to operate. Preserving his brain was frst and foremost.

Face-down, his eyes didn't stare at her. She sliced around the top of his scalp, separated the skull, and then sliched straight down to his nape. She severed his optic nerves and then focused on removing the brain. The brainstem had to stay intact, so she removed the uppermost vertebrae it was attached to.

In her hands, she held Dearil's mind, the most important thing she had ever touched. Faintly grey and sagging with a chunk taken from the left. She struggled to figure out what larts were damaged the most. She reslized, with complete horror, that there wasn't musch left of Broca's area. Not his voice! I need to hear his voice! She'd have to fix that.

Wernicke's area looked okay though, so hopefully he would be able to read abd write without problem. His parietal lobe as a whole didn't look so good, and he already jad sensory issues... Hopefully it wasn't too bad.

She wished she could do an X-ray and see how the inner structures had decayed, especially his hippocampi. He needed to remember her!

Focus. She needed to focus on the task at hand. Whatever the damage was, nothing would be fixed if she just stpod there staring.

Her medical school had gotten on board with new postmortem brain preservation techniques. Liquid nitrogen, cryonics, blood substitute. The dust was mixed into the fluid in the tank, and now she allowed Dearil's brain to be submerged. She dripped fresh blood onto the rune under the tank and for just a second, the water glowed.

The human body is home to tens of trillions of microorganisms that keep you healthy. Though these populations are necessary for human survival, a single one getting out of control would be devastating. That's where the immune system comes in, suppressing overgrowth and keeping these populations in check.

But dead people have no immune system; bacteria runs rampant.

Lorai soaked a new mask in winter mint rubbing alcohol and pulled it on, and new gloves. Her goggles and apron stayed on, and sue set to work, starting the scalpel at his shoulder and ending at his breastbone. Mirror the stitch. Slice down his mutilated stomach to the start of his pelvis.

Peeling back the skin, it was clear his liver and gallbladder were no more; his insides were stained yellow-green with bile, and the winter mint did little to mask the smell of ammonia and hydrogen sulfate. She had to get rid of his stomach before the hungry microbes could do any more damage, scarcely breathing as she cracked open his ribcage and transferred internal organs to a garbage bag.

She couldn't exactly drag him outside and hose him down, so so brought him to the downstairs bathroom with the detachable shower head. He was so light now.

She rinsed him with the shower head. Water ran yellow-green, and then finally clear, though his insides still were definitely not a healthy red-pink. She wrapped him up in the fluffiest towel and brought him to the kitchen. She'd removed all the shelves in the refrigerator during her first trip to the house so she had no problems sticking Dearil's mostly empty husk inside.

And then she lit a few scented candles and went to bed.

***

The head medical examiner was a lonely older man. His wife was either dead or left him (Lorelai wasn't sure which, and she didn't care), and his only company was the corpses he sliced open. Lorelai saw the way he looked at her, eyes hungrily taking her image in. In the days after Dearil's accident, she started making moves on him even though it ft so, so wrong.

She smiled at him throughout today's shift. She washed her hair for the first time in days and let it hang lose around her face during her break. She even put on makeup, though it took a few video tutorials to get it loose.

Toward the end of her shift, she sidled up to him, whispering, "Hey, Viktor..."

He glanced at her. "Hm?"

"I'm not wearing any underwear."

He went red up to the tips of his ears.

"Come home with me," she said in a whine, fingers stroking his arm. "I'm staying at my family's summer home. I'm the only one there, all alone and sooo lonely."

"Fuck yes," he breathed.

"You ever have sex on the beach?"

"I'm getting hard just thinking about it."

She forced herself to smile instead of grimacing. "You ever been with a witch?"

"You?" His eyes widened, but then he smiled. "I bet you're magical in bed."

Ew ew ew.

"You've got that right." She placed a hand on the unmarked chest of the man on the table. His skin was the wrong shade of brown, but his hair was perfect. She already had a nose on ice that she'd taken during Viktor's break. It was a bit too dark as well, but it was just the right shape for Dearil. "How about we take this guy with us?"

Viktor recoiled. "Excuse me?"

"Come on, you said you want a magical night. Do something crazy!" she exclaimed. "You don't have to fuck him or anythibg, and we'll have him back by morning. It's not like he'll mind. It's a witch thing."

Viktor put a hand to his salt and pepper hair, eyebrows knitting together. A few emotions clouded his features before he came to a decision. "If you say so. But if we get caught this was your idea."

"Noted. But I promise you'll enjoy yourself."

He helped her wheel out the John Doe on one of the cheaper stretchers no one would miss, faces obscured by masks and a darkness spell. They stuffed the corpse into the tiny trunk of her car. Viktor pressed his lips to hers suddenly, bushy mustache scratching her. He smelled like literal death and whatever offensive oil he rubbed into his mustache so he wouldn't have to smell as much decay.

He couldn't keep his hands to himself during the whole drive, rubbing her thighs, kissong her neck, trying to unhook her bra and getting excited when he found out she wasn't wearing one. She wanted to slap his hands away, shout that her body belonged to Dearil, but this was a necessary step.

Her mind screamed but her lips purred, "Ohh, that feels so good."

He still hadn't settled down when they were taking the Doe into the house. "Talk dirty in Spanish, chica," he murmured.

"I was born in Florida," she sighed. "I don't speak that much Spanish."

"Don't you know any?"

"A bit. Do you?"

"I can say hola and count to ten," he laughed. "My Spanish classes probably ended before you were even alive. Come on, say something."

"Estas... Estas tan muerto," she said. "Eres solo, uh, um... un peón."

"That's so hot," he moaned, and she bit her cheek to keep from laughing.

Viktor's smile became a frown when they walked into the house. He set the John Doe on the table while Lorelai went and locked the door. He quickly sniffed his shirt when she wasn't looking, but the smell wasn't coming from him. And the bed in the adjacent living room was a bit of an odd choice, though he could appreciate the silk and headboard. And the ropes. This was gonna be a fun night.

Lorelai came back, a smile playing on her lips. She put a hand to his chest. "Come closer, Señor. Permítame whisper in your ear."

He leaned close, his smile tentative now. Her lups were so close they tickled him just as a sharp pain struck his neck.

"I never liked you," she whispered, pressing the needle in harder as he tried to pull away. He shoved her away and staggered back, staring at the clear fluid still in the syringe.

"What the fuck did you just do to me, you crazy bitch?" he screamed, clutching bis neck. Her smiling, round face had gone hard and cold, expression neutral.

"Oh, calm down. It's just lorazepam," she said. "They use it on unruly patients all the time. It's probably the safest injectable sedative."

Ge hit out at her but she easily dodged the sluggish attack. She pushed him down onto the bed, tying up his wrists. He still kicked his legs until she tied his ankles too. He was finally silent when she wrapped the duct tape around his head and moury several times.

"Don't look at me like that," she said, tying ger hair back. "Alexa, play Bury Me at Makeout Creek by Mitski, full album."

It's beautiful out today

I wish you could take me upstate

To the little place you would tell me about

"When you'd sense that I'd want to escape," Lorelai sang over the muffled screams and shouts, pulling on her mask, goggles, gloves, and apron. Viktor could only stare at the saws, scalpels, drills, and needles that she left on the table before she disappeared into another room.

No one could hear him scream.

#whump #whump fic #whump writing #surgical whump #medical whump #magical whump #tw self harm #self harm tw #torture #torture tw #female whumper #female whump #male whump #male whumpee #female whumpee #tw death #death tw #creepy whumper

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swordbreakerz · 5 years

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✨ for all of them, 🎥 for treasure planet and guardians of gahoole, 🍀 for 9-1-1 and penumbra, 📃 for unicorn chronicles, 🏳️‍🌈 for howls, treasure planet and legend of zelda, and 💎 for any ones you have facts for lol

you spoil me uwu

🎥 - ok for treasure planet, gotta be the 12 years later scene in the beginning and the zoom in to the spaceport, the way it transitions from jim reading under the blankets to him flying on his solar surfer is so chefs kiss, and just like. everything about to the spaceport lmao, fr guardians definitely the scene where soren flies through the fire and then blows up the pulley system to get rid of the flecks energy, bro when hes flying above it all holding the lantern before he dives down to save them? chills

🍀 - you know im on that projection shit w/ juno steel, ive truly never like connected with a character like that before and he’s really really helped me thru my recovery and transition lol, fr 911 uhhh ig buck or eddie? i havent Thought About It or like consumed it enough times yet to rly settle on someone but fr now,,, they

🏳️‍🌈 - ok for howls, Everyone Is Bi/Pan, howl is trans and autistic and i will die on that hill, fr treasure planet jim and cpt amelia are both trans and both of them + doppler are autistic, fr loz link is trans, autistic and semi nonverbal and communicates primarily with asl, post twilight princess zelda says fuck it and finds a way back into the twilight realm and she midna and link hang out, most of these boil down to everyone i love is trans gay and autistic because i say so lmaooo

📃 - OK SO. without like, spoiling too many plot points, our main character is cara and she lives with her grandmother. her mom is dead and dad is out of the picture. one day theyre getting chased by these people that her grandma knows and cara gets thrown into an alternate realm full of fantasy creatures using her grandmothers amulet. she meets a unicorn named lightfoot and a bunch of other rad people and basically, starts a journey to save that world from the Hunters. the Hunters are an organisation who specifically hate unicorns and want them all dead, led by Beloved, and cara and her friends have to try and stop them from entering the world and wiping them out. its sooo so so good and i highly recommend it cause i have no one to talk to about it please god

✨ - oh boy uh, well. im just gonna like list them out lmao

unicorn chronicles: i loved unicorns as a kid and read it when i was in elementary school, and over the years its remained just as compelling and well written as i remember and like. god the whole concept is so godamn cool and all the subplots that get introduced are fuckign fantastic and like all the different creatures are amazing i literally cant sing its praises enough

howls moving castle: must i have a logical reason? is it not to vicariously live my fantasy of running away to the countryside with a wizard boyfriend, his demon and his apprentice?? for real though, its such a fantastic story with beautiful visuals in the movie and wonderfully compelling prose in the book, and esp in the movie the whole time travel subplot with sophie seeing howl and calcifer in the past and then howl finding her in the future makes me go feral

penumbra: gays in space. need i say more? im a huge slut for gay found family and especially in futuristic space, and im a huge big fan of the lgbt utopia its created. like yeah capitalism sucks but at least im not gonne get misgendered in space starbucks, u kno? all the writing and dialogue is so incredible and the SOUND DESIGN GOD, alex i know u specifically can relate when i say i would kill a man for sophie and her incredible sound design skills, like dude the dance scene in man in glass p2 you can hear every single individual step they take and every swish of junos dress and i jusT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! god its so good, plus the whole the characters help me work through my trauma and repressed anger haha

911: this one is entirely your fault. so obligatory horny on main everyone on that show is so hot i want oliver stark to cradle me gently in his beefy arms oh my god. other than Men, the way it drives home the whole ‘you can’t save everyone, and it will kill you to try, so just focus on what you can do and keep living’ makes me so emo. the way it tackles big bureaucratic issues as well as closer to home interpersonal ones is amazing and i love how it shows people going through and dealing realistically with trauma.

treasure planet: again, who doesnt want to live in Cool Steampunk Space Travel Future? i really really love jims story and his arc, the way he deals with his trauma is uhh very familiar lol and his relationship with silver is like the ideal. the story is just the coolest concept and i love all the wonderful character design and animation, plus the soundtrack SLAPS and everything is beautiful

legend of zelda: ive been associated with this series from a very young age due to my name and as soon as i gave into my fate and looked it up for real i just kinda fell into it lol. i cant really tell you exactly what draws me to it besides ‘wow fun game!’ and ‘god i wish that were me,’ but like the absurd amount of detail thats put into each installment and the creative ways they retell essentially the same/similar story over and over is incredible

guardians of gahoole: so i had the same experience with this and treasure planet which is i remembered ‘oh hey this is a movie that exists and i cant clearly remember watching it, ill look it up :)’ and then it consumed my life for a solid 3 months. firstly this movie is absolutely gorgeous, the animation and framing is fucking stunning and the way they handled owls talking like people as far as the movement of their very inflexible beaks was amazing. it sort of has the same draw for me as warrior cats? secret animal society ft incredibly traumatic experiences and the characters dealing with it. like, the whole concept is just so fuckign wild and it works so well, i rly enjoy this niche genre.

💎 - alright trivia time, so guardians of gahoole is based on a book series and the movie only covers part of the first arc i think idk, BUT theres another series set in the same universe called wolves of the beyond that i devoured when i was younger! i didnt know they were connected for the longest time and when i found out i was :000, i still rly love wolves of the beyond and wanna reread it, as well as read the actual gahoole books. in the howls books, sophie is a redhead! also, markl is named michael and like a fully functioning young adult who ends up marrying one of sophies sisters. treasure planet is, obviously, based off treasure island but its so much better than the book dont bother reading it lol i tried and it was boring. there was plans for a treasure planet sequel that was fully scripted and cast but it was cancelled cause disney sabotaged treasure planet from the start with the shitty release and advertising and tldr we were ROBBED, also amelias concept was much more octopus like and while that wldve been rad im p glad she was switched to a cat for. several reasons lol. uhh i dont have a lot of Fun Facts abt the unicorn chronicles but for the longest time i thought there were only 3 books and then last year i found the fourth book by chance in a kitsch store and nearly had a breakdown i was so happy, like full on i started shaking and crying cause there was so much joy in my body i cldnt contain it.

thats all i can think of tysm ily, to anyone who read all of this bless u please watch guardians of gahoole and read the unicorn chronicles i will love u forever

#IM LOVE U #friendos #alex #and z answers #astrallouis

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saltywithsarcasm · 5 years

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Chapter 7 of Really Passionate Fans has been posted!

Things just got real

Yagi sits down next to the young girl and sets his bag down to his feet, he notices her looking out the window at the man, who was still sitting on the bench outside.

“Who is that guy?” He motions his hand to get her attention as the bus starts to move. “Do you know him?”

“Not personally but I know of him.” Akira says quietly, turning to look back out the window. “I know him from a fan group online, he’s really weird and kind of a creep.”

“What do you mean? Has he been bothering you?” Yagi asks with concern in his voice but she shakes her head.

“Not me, he’s a Present Mic fan and some of the stuff on his profile is...obsessive and disturbing.” She pulls out her phone. “I’ve been trying to send screenshots of his profile to Mic but they’re always getting deleted, I think he has a quirk that has something to do with phones and computers.”

“Heroes always have overly...passionate fans but I’m sure Mic will be okay.” He knows he’s had a few overly eager fans of his own when he was younger.

“But he knows things about him that no one else does, I think he’s stalking him.” When she turns to look at her friend, he has a brow raised so she continues. “He told me Mic was deaf and autistic, something he hasn’t even told the public about, when I asked him how he knew this, he just told me he had his sources.”

“I don’t think anyone should have known that beside Mic’s close friends and family...” Yagi says, pulling out his phone. “What was this user’s name again?”

“His username is Techgrip and I think he said his real name is Hojo.” Akira tells him. “But you won’t be able to see his profile unless he friends you on there.”

“I’m not too worried about it, I’ll look into this.” Yagi reassures her, putting his phone away. “Don’t worry, it’ll be dealt with.”

“What are you doing to do?”

“I have some friends who can look into it for me.”

Akira feels a little relieved that an adult finally was finally taking her seriously.

“Did you have fun with your dad today?” Yagi asks, changing the subject to something lighter. “You both seem to be having a good time when I saw you.”

“Yeah, we went shopping for a apartment and I even saw All Might today.”

“You did?” Yagi questions, tugging at side bang. “Eh, I didn’t think he was...in that part of town today.”

“I saw him from my dad’s car, he was fighting a villain.” Akira says, pulling out her phone. “I wish I thought to record it for you.”

“It’s fine, someone else probably recorded it anyway.” He chuckles, patting her shoulder. “I’m sure you can find it online.”

“Yeah, probably.”

~*~

Yamada shuffles into the kitchen in just his pjs, digging through the cabinets to find some tea as the kettle warms up. He rubs at his clammy face and sighs as he pulls the box down, coughing into his hand.

He doing better but still feels pretty bad, he wishes Aizawa was home so they could cuddle up on the couch like earlier but something came up and he had to leave to talk to Yagi, he didn’t say why but he didn’t have the strength to press it.

He takes a cup down and sets the tea bag in it, leaning against the counter to wait for the kettle, pulling out his phone to send his boyfriend a text.

Yamada, 10:23pm;

‘Could you pick up from soup on your way home?’

The tired blonde pushes himself away from the counter to sit down in a chair so he can scroll through his social media. Yamada leans his head against his hand, aimlessly scrolling and not even really reading anything.

Maybe he should go lay back down?

The kettle starts whistling so he gets up to finish making himself a cup of tea, setting the pot back down on the stove and lets the tea steep before holding it up to blow on it.

The phone buzzes on the counter so he sets his cup down to check it.

Aizawa, 10:45pm;

‘Sure, I don’t know when I’ll be home tho.’

Yamada, 10:45pm;

‘I’ll see you when you get back! <3’

Yamada smiles to himself, picking his cup back up to cool it down before taking a sip.

Faintly, his hearing aids picks up a creaking noise behind him, causing the blonde turn his head to look but not before arms suddenly wrap around him, causing him to drop his cup and shatter all over the ground.

A hand reaches up to cover his lips, holding a cloth against nose and mouth as Yamada struggles in the person’s hold. He holds his breath and uses his legs to shove himself backwards from the counter against his attacker, ramming his back against the table and elbows him in the rib, causing him to stumble and loosen his grip.

The blonde slips free, nearly stumbling himself when he steps on a piece of broken glass but manages to reach over to the counter to grab a pair of scissors left there and turns to face the other person; He wore a mask.

The man pushes himself up right and rubs his lower back with a chuckle.

“I really wished you inhaled more of that drug, would have made this a whole lot easier for the both of us.” He says, dropping the rag down to the mess splattered on the ground.

“What are you doing in my house?!” Yamada limps back on his good foot and eyes his phone sitting on the counter, coughing as he slowly inches his way over to it. “Leave or I’m going to call the cops!”

“I’m not going to hurt you, Mic.” The man says, trying to reassure him. “I just want to help-“

“You tried to drug me!” Yamada snaps, grabbing his phone and backs away from him; He can’t use his quirk with his sore throat, he’ll have to call for somebody.

“It’s supposed to just help you sleep, you’re sick; I’m just wanting to help you feel better.” The man says, stepping close and glances down to see the blood on the floor. “You’ve hurt yourself, must have stepped on a piece of glass, we’ll have to take a look at it and make sure it’s not still in your foot-“

Yamada grips the scissors tightly in his hands, wondering how this person found out where he lived and how he got inside without him hearing him. He doesn’t know who this is but something about his voice sounds so familiar...

Wait...

“I know you, you...call my show from time to time.” Yamada realizes, he’s not a villain...this guy is one of his listeners. “You’re a fan...so why are you...”

“I’m a huge fan of you, Mic; I just want to take care of you while you’re sick.”

“No offense but I think I’m good, buddy.” Yamada says, hoping he can just defuse the situation. He’s just a obsessive fan, he can handle this. “I know you guys care but this is a little too much, this is my home. You can’t just break into somebody’s house.”

“Mic, I think you should lay down...you don’t look too well.” Even with the mask he can tell the man is smiling, Yamada’s back bumps into the door frame and it makes him jump. “Here, give me the scissors and I’ll take you to bed.”

“Stay right there!” Yamada demands, holding the scissors towards him. “You need to leave, now. I’m not kidding, I will call the cops on you.”

This just makes the stranger chuckle.

“Please don’t make this more difficult than it needs to be.” The man says, reaching out for the scissors but Yamada pulls them away before he grab them and lets out a shout loud enough to make the other cover his ears, making his own ring in the process.

Yamada makes a break for it, limping quickly towards his bedroom and slams the door behind him. Using his quirk causes him to have a coughing fit but he pulls up Aizawa’s number and presses the call button, pressing it to his ear as he feels a knock on the door.

“Hizashi, I’m not going to hurt you.” Yamada holds the door closed as the other tries to open it. “Open the door, I’m not mad that you used your quirk on me.”

“I’m calling the cops!” He shouts, waiting for the phone to ring but it just beeps away in his ear. He pulls it back to look at the screen and sees his phone shutting off. He breathes a soft, confused ‘what’ before trying to turn his phone back on.

“I can’t let you do that.” He hears the man say on the other side of the door, the door handle moves as the door comes slightly open but Yamada presses back against it to keep it closed. “Please don’t be like this, I just want to take care of you.”

Yamada struggles to keep the door closed as he tries again and again to turn his phone back on but it just seems to be dead. He looks up around his room to find anything to defend himself with and remembers Aizawa keeps some of his spare gear in the closet.

“I swear if you don’t leave I’m going to bust your eardrums out.” Yamada threatens, holding to door closed and glances back over towards the closet door, wondering if he can make it there before other gets in.

“You wouldn’t do that to one of your listeners, would you?” The man asks, tapping on the door. “Your fans mean everything to you.”

Yamada curses under his breath, feeling cornered with little options. He didn’t want to have to use his quirk again, his throat is killing him from using it the first time.

Maybe he can slip through the window, run and get help? Or at least just get away from this lunatic.

“Hizashi?” Yamada squeezes his eyes shut. “Just open the door and we can talk, I don’t want to cause you any stress. Last thing I want is to cause you to have a meltdown.”

That makes the blonde’s eyes snap open in shock, feeling his heart stop and blood run cold; How did he know about that?

“What?” He asks, swallowing thickly.

“I know you’re autistic, Hizashi.” The man says, continuing to tap on the door. “I’ve read your medical records.”

“How?! How were you able to get ahold of my personal information?!” Yamada shouts through the door. “Who are you and what do you want from me!? I don’t know you!”

The tapping stops and it becomes quiet, Yamada presses his ear to the door listening until he hears a sigh.

“I’m sorry, forgive me for this.” Yamada hears a zapping sound a little too close to his ear but before he can realize what it’s from, his ear is being zapped by his own hearing aid, causing him to jump back and take it out. The door swings open and in a panic, Yamada rushes over to the closet to grab something of his boyfriend’s to defend himself with but doesn’t make it too far when he’s being tackled to the ground.

The moment the man is on him, he feels a rag being held to his mouth and quickly hold his breath, trying to knock him off again. It’s not long until his lungs are to burn and he feels his face becoming flushed until he’s unable to hold his breath anymore.

Yamada inhales deeply and starts coughing when he tastes whatever laced on the cloth.

“See? What’s that so hard?” The man asks, leaning up and pulls the rag away as he brushes Yamada’s hair out of his face. The blonde turns his head to press his face against the floor, feeling his body going numb and mind growing hazy.

Yamada sucks in a breath and without holding back, screams loud enough to shatter the windows, lightbulbs and caused the man above him to let out startles gasp and covers his ears. Yamada knock him off and crawls towards the door, wanting to escape with phone in hand to the bathroom where he can lock the door.

He manages to get to the bathroom without the guy following him and locks the door, collapsing onto the rug and tries to dial Aizawa again.

This time it calls him and he practically cries with relief when he hears the other answer.

“Hizashi?” Aizawa asks on the other side of the phone. “Are you okay?”

“Come home please.” Yamada gets out, feeling drained and beginning to pass out. “Someone broke in...drugged me. They’re still here.”

“What?!”

“Please, Shouta. I...can’t explain. Just hurry, please.”

“I’ll be home soon, just stay on the line with me, okay?” Aizawa says, sounding like he was hurrying to leave, hearing Yagi in the background asking what’s wrong but their words became muffled and Yamada isn’t able to keep his eyes open anymore.

The last thing he hears is tapping on the bathroom door.

#stalker au #saltywithsarcasm

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definitely-not-5urreal-w4nderer · 3 years

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Buffy Reaction season 3 episode 18 Earshot:

This episode is A LOT. Like if I wanted to share even most my thoughts from this episode I'd have to have taken notes, some topics I hardly feel qualified to get deep into, but I'll dip my toes.

Easy thoughts first. As a nuerodivergent person depictions of mind readers often resonate with me, at least the ones that explore the downsides of such a power. It's the reason I relate so strongly to Sookie in True Blood, and could relate especially to Buffy as she went through this. My whole life I've been extremely sensitive to microexpressions, and minute changes in verbal tone and body language. Which on its own sounds advantages, but not when you don't know what they mean, or are unable to pick out what's useful out if the static of the massive amounts of information coming in. The world just becomes to overwhelming to function at times, I think Buffy's need to withdraw from people is similar to the the reasons many autistic people do the same. I know it's a reason I need alone time to recharge. Ironically this also makes the episode harder to watch as an autistic person, hearing all the chatter that buffy is hearing at once is exactly the kind of stimuli I have to wear headphones to block out in a busy cafeteria, so those scenes are pretty overwhelming.

I loved hearing what all the Scoobies were thinking. Cordelia of course saying exactly what she's thinking, after all "tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass." Willows insecurity coming out more clearly than her sad little expression, homie I feel you. Oz just quietly having an existential crises and/or philosophical epiphany, and just outwardly being like "hmm" also same. Xander of course struggling most with not thinking about exactly what he doesn't want Buffy to hear, horny teenage thoughts. Which like, I'm generally ready to roll my eyes at Xander but he wasn't thinking anything sexist or objectifying that I caught, just about sex, which fair, adolescence is a horny time, and attempts to repress intrusive thoughts generally aggravate them.

Now the intense stuff. This episode aired only months after the Columbine shooting, so the issue of gun violence and mass shootings, particularly in schools would have been very present in the cultural awareness at the time. I think the show was really trying to do something meaningful but fell short, from cinematic language to writing. I think about conversations I've heard about responsible reporting on gun violence, and how it's important to center discussions on victims of the violence and minimize focus on perpetrators of the violence in order to decrease copy cats, and I see the ways those attitudes have rippled outwards into fictional media. In this episode we see not just our hero's searching for the supposed killer, but interlaced shots of a person taking a gun to school, and assembling the weapon, scored with suspenseful music. We also see this narrative of the bullied lonely kid getting revenge on peers who didn't see him or treat him well. The same narrative that quickly formed and was extensively perpetuated about the perpetrators of the Columbine shooting, when in reality they were fairly social well liked kids.

Which looks very different than some of the more recent depictions I've seen of mass shootings. For example in the episode Death and All His Friends s6 e24 (may 2010) there is a shooting in the hospital where a number of characters are lost, heavy in drama and suspense as you'd expect from the show of course, but an enormous amount time throughout the following season is centered around the fallout of the event. Ranging from administration grappling with how to respond to keep patients and staff safe, to the immense trauma the cast of characters wrestle each in their own ways. Some of the strongest follow through on a Traumatic event I've scene on tv, although personally I think Cristina's PTSD arc needed a little longer follow through, in that PTSD doesn't just go away when you don't feel like writing that arc anymore 👀 but that's a whole other conversation.

*skip next paragraph if you don't want The Foster's spoilers*

It also looks fairly different from what I remember from The Foster's which kicks of season 4 with a student coming to school with a gun. It's interesting because in this case the student who comes to school with a gun is an established character, Nick, Mariana's boyfriend, so it does explore the motivations of the perpetrator, in what I feel is a nuanced way. Ok so I actually stopped writing a sec to go back and watch a number of scenes from the first two episodes from season 4, and I really am blown away. (all over again.) Cinematography, writing, costuming, acting are all working together to tell a strong nuanced story. The first one, where the school goes into lockdown is very focused on the emotions of the students and staff going through lockdown protocols as the alarm blares, elevated by details like Jude taking an extra moment getting into the classroom to tell Steph he loves her (heart ripped right out of my chest send help 😭) and the parents wanted to get into the school for their kids, and the pain in their voices. In the following episode Nick finally turns up in none other than Mariana's bedroom, still armed, now venting grievances about having caught Mariana kissing Matt as well as the abuse inflicted on him by his father. Now this is interesting, because without glorifying Nick or his choices they at this point are doing some to humanize him. Which is a delicate task but I think really grounds it in reality in a way Buffy doesn't do. It's at this point Nick turns the gun on himself, saying he doesn't want to hurt Mariana, although he has by this time pointed it at her several times, but that he wants to hurt himself. The end of the scene where things have been diffused focuses on the relief as Steph hugs her daughter and tells her to go find Lena, but Steph still talks gently to Nick, reassuring him it's over. It really highlights the fact that he is still young, this isn't a person with a fully developed brain. What I really like about the episodes and consequential l arc as it continues through the show is they hold Nick responsible, while also placing some responsibility on Nick's dad and society, and we also see Mariana struggling to not feel responsible.

There were creative choices I think were not ideal, although very much a product of where cultural understanding was at then, but what a really found disappointing is how the plot really walked up to the line, setting itself up to say something powerful and then... Just didn't. Like 'ha plot twist no school shootings here, just a lonely suicidal kid, but the lunch lady did poison your weirdly broad selection of cafeteria jello!' and maybe it was trying to say something but I'm really not clear on what. The thing is, a kid who's game to take a rifle to school to shoot himself partly for attention is liable to be the kind of kid who would also use it on other people. I had to look up Jonathan's name and just came across the fact that the episode was actually aired out of order so as to actually not air as soon after the Columbine shooting. I try to let these be my initial reactions before I listen to Buffering or read further about the episode, but I think that is interesting to note. Considering this episode was likely wrapped before Columbine I'd say that maybe they weren't trying to make a larger commentary on gun violence? But when Xander's having trouble wrapping his head around someone coming to school and Gunning everyone down Cordelia sarcastically quips "yeah because that never happens in American high schools" so I really don't know what to make of it.

Omg long winded, sorry for the fucking novel, but this has me thinking so many thoughts. I'm really fascinated by the evolution of depictions of gun violence in fictional media, if anyone knows some good literature on the subject hit me up!

#buffy the vampire slayer #first watch #Buffy earshot #Buffy season 3 episode 18 #gun violence #Gun violence in media #The fosters

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mychemicalrant · 6 years

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Getting it on Both Ends

There’s kind of a weird emotional set of walls that someone with aspergers has to walk between. On the one hand, we are visibly set apart from everyone else through our appearance, behavior, interests, etc. On the other hand, we’re not visible enough, so we get accused of all manner of ill intent. This plays out in the following ways:

Wow, you’re autistic.

So I recently went on an interstate trip that, while challenging in many respects (lots of socializing with strangers, changing sleeping environments), went surprisingly well. My dad and I then met up with some old family friends of his, people who had known me since before I was born. They have a stunning, beautiful, amazing, accomplished, incredibly gifted and experienced 19 year old neurotypical daughter who they couldn’t be more proud of. Like, this kid was a superstar in high school and in their little community with friends, boyfriends, admirers from all over. Now she’s working with children and going to college for a degree in Awesome Incredible Career. I...am a 30+ year old job-challenged newly diagnosed autistic with few friends, no car, and have just moved back in with my parent. Suffice it to say my self esteem was a little low. I’ll admit, by this part in the trip I was incredibly weary of traveling and socializing. We had taken this very cross-country trip 15 years ago to see these same people and I remember having a panic attack the whole week from being so far from home, but that’s another story. My point is, I was visibly off. I went outside to spend time by myself, I stimmed like crazy, I drank ungodly amounts of beer, I ate a ton (because eating is readily available and encouraged in that part of the country), and I hyperfocused on a few of my travel interests. I’m a huge fan of collecting things and I like to collect certain things while I’m on the road, so I ended up dragging everyone along to search for these items.

Things were going pretty well, I guess, but in the back of my mind I was stressing. Was I coming off too weird? Too excited? Too distant? Too uncomfortable? I didn’t want to embarrass anyone but I knew I was slipping into the end of my rope. I had just spent one and a half weeks in hotels/stranger’s houses meeting an endless stream of new people in a strange area I wasn’t familiar with. And, like it or not, I’m autistic and always have been even if I didn’t always know it. But there’s something poignant about growing older and still seeing yourself acting outside of your age-appropriate behavioral expectations in front of people much, much younger than you who are absolutely nailing maturity. After all my worrying and insecurity about this...I overheard a conversation I probably wasn’t supposed to hear. The daughter was talking to her dad who has, again, known my parents since before I was born and visited frequently when I was a child. He knew my mom before she died. And he said “...ever since [my mom] died mychemicalrant’s been....weird.” And his daughter said, “Oh, I thought mychemicalrant was nice!” It was a very humbling moment, I guess. I am really nothing at all like my mom, which I think is part of this observation, but the fact of it is that I have had my weirdness blamed on my mom’s death since I was ten. And that never feels good. Because I know I’m really being blamed for autism, and that is something that I can’t help. Getting over tragedy is something that society expects you to do and also provides a context for my inappropriate level of development, but...that’s not what it is. So, ouch.

You can’t be autistic, that’s bullshit!

Anyway. So I’m licking this wound slowly on the drive home. My dad doesn’t say anything to me about my “behavior” (like he would have had to do when I was growing up) so I figure the moment has passed and he’s unaware of the whole thing. See, my biggest fear is my dad getting blamed for my behavior. Like, my parents were always critical of me to a point, but my dad is an Enneagram 9 and he lets things be what they are for the most part. But being a single parent and having a “troubled’ child attracts unwanted attention, and I’m scared to death that my autistic presence will cause some of the legal ruckus it caused when I was a kid. That’s...well, that’s another entire story, and maybe entirely TMI for tumblr. Back to the present: I get home and call my friend to tell her of this experience and how it made me feel. She was sympathetic about it, which encouraged me to share some really good news from my vacation:

I made a new friend who is really fascinated in me (cool) and this person friended me on FB. In doing so, she found my months old Autism Diagnosis Coming Out post and commented on it, which bumped it up to everyone else’s timeline. I had thought everyone had seen it and chosen not to say anything, but suddenly I was getting a stream of supportive and loving messages from old friends, including a friend of mine who is pursuing their own diagnosis right now. !! I was very excited about this, and mentioned it to my friend on the phone, who knows this person. And suddenly all of the polite, restrained, “You’re undergoing a spiritual journey right now that means you will overcome your autism when you’ve learned XYZ spiritual lessons” in regards to MY diagnosis became “There is no way they’re autistic, they’re a fucking spoiled only child who got everything they wanted from their mom because they threw a tantrum if they didn’t, they are autistic like I’M autistic, please!” Me: This friend got along with their mom as well as you get along with yours?? My friend: Yeah, exactly, [Friend] is exactly like me! A spoiled only child who didn’t learn social skills because their parent didn’t teach them! Me: ...You know I’m an only child too, right? My friend: Oh, but your situation is TOTALLY different, I mean, blah blah blah...

Yikes. This conversation has stuck with me. First of all, I’m really proud of my other friend for seeking a diagnosis. I have always known they struggle with some form of executive dysfunction and a diagnosis makes that make so much sense. I’m super proud that they are pursuing this path. Also, it does not surprise me that my friends might also be on the spectrum or otherwise neurodivergent because these are the people I was closest with. I um...don’t have the heart to tell my friend in the aforementioned conversation that I strongly suspect she may be somewhere near the spectrum, too. My point is, not everyone believes me when I tell them I have autism because they have a built in, violent, cruel, irrelevant stereotype of autism in their minds. (My friend worked with troubled children from broken homes who included kids with autism, and naturally these kids looked/acted nothing like me.) But it was the vitriol with which she body slammed our mutual friend while pretending to begrudgingly accept my diagnosis that took me aback. It made me think a lot: if my friend who is seeking a diagnosis doesn’t have autism and is instead a spoiled only child who didn’t learn to socialize (this person is actually extremely empathic, generous, and creative), why does my other friend think they are pursuing a diagnosis? I didn’t have the energy to ask, but I had a few guesses. And none of them reflected well on my friend’s feelings towards me and my diagnosis. So, there you have it. On the one hand, I’m so “weird” I’ve had the cops and CPS called on my family to investigate potential abuse because my behavior indicated that something was seriously wrong at home, and growing up I was a constant source of embarrassment for my parents. On the other hand, I can’t possibly be autistic because only little boys who bite and scratch and hit their moms with broken bottles are autistic. It’s an uncomfortable place to be. I’ve had legitimately had my feelings hurt by being called out for being autistic and called out for "not really having autism” in the same week.

I think this is not unusual for those who would otherwise have fallen through the cracks, diagnostically-speaking. But, here’s where I’m at right now emotionally. I am trying to adjust to life in a new place (that part is going really well) and adjust to my new understanding of myself as autistic. This isn’t easy when I have to oscillate between shame (I really am autistic and this does have social consequences, not just for me but for those around me) and worry that I’m not “autistic enough” and I’m somehow defrauding those who are truly disabled or lying to everyone about my condition. In other words, I am still trying to define my relationship to autism. I have a lot of pain and shame to wander through first.

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lordofthebigtimesupernatural · 7 years

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I have a prompt! (of course if you have time✨): Keith’s first heartbreak. It can be like: the person who is with him broke up with him because his autism or something like that.

Wow nonny, why would you do this to my heart? My baby. Noooo (read this as Shiro). Good stuff tho nonny. Time for angst after all that fluff. Still, I hope you enjoy!

x.V.x

Keithwas twenty-one when he went on his very first date. He was twenty-one when hehad his first kiss.

Keithwas twenty-two when he had his first broken heart.

He hadbeen dating a guy that he’d met stationed overseas. Despite being from twodifferent countries, the two went on several dates together before the man hadclaimed to be Keith’s boyfriend. Not that Keith minded too much. He’d dated acouple guys since his first date. All of them had ended mutually and respectfully,with Keith keeping in contact with them. However, Keith hadn’t gained any bigfeelings of love or emotions for any of his previous dates. That is, until hemet Damien.

Damienwas sarcastic, which got to Keith’s humor quickly. He was good on the eyes and extremelysmart. In fact, he was a CEO to his own metal company overseas. Keith had beenamazed that someone like him had even lookedin Keith’s direction. He was merely a young army pilot.

Yet,Damien and Keith continued to date for another six months.

It evengot to the point where Keith was considering having Damien fly back home withhim during his short break to meet his dad. He hadn’t talked to Damien about ityet, but he had let it slipped to his dad that he was seeing someone.

Shirohad almost screamed when Keith confessed that he might be in love with Damien.

“Oh, mybaby is growing up so fast,” Shiro pretended to wipe tears from his eyes. “Wheredid my smol son go that refused to wear his shoes and would lie on the couchwith me all day?”

“Dad,”Keith moaned, thankful he had headphones on for his skype session. “This isliterally why I don’t tell you anything anymore.”

“Noooo,”Shiro whispered dramatically. “Please, don’t stop. I promise I’ll be good. Soyou love this Devon guy?” He grinned playfully. He’s lucky he’s the best dad. Keith’s eyes narrowed but he couldn’thelp but grin at his dad’s antics.

“Hisname is Damien,” Keith replied. Shiro nodded firmly. “And I’m – I’m not sure.Maybe?” Keith nervously rubbed the back of his neck, cursing as a blush filledhis cheeks. He was thankful that Damien wasn’t on his base today and that theother guys usually gave him privacy during calls home.

“OhKeith,” Shiro sighed happily. “This is wonderful news. I’m happy for you son.”Shiro finally stopped teasing his son. Despite his overprotective dad nature,and the desire to search this Damien guy until he knew everything about him,Shiro kept his mouth shut. While he really wanted to meet this guy and makesure he was good enough for Keith, Keith was trusting Shiro. This was the firsttime that Keith had openly expressed emotions for someone who could potentiallybe a significant partner and he was trusting Shiro with this information.

Shirocouldn’t betray that trust by spoiling Keith’s fun.

“Iexpect this means; you’ll bring him home next week when you’re visiting.” Shirostated rather than asked. Keith was well aware that this was going to be ademand or else his dad would pester him forever after this.

“Yesdad. That’s the plan.” Keith rolled his eyes. “As long as he wants to go, we’llboth be at the airport when you pick us up.” Shiro couldn’t help but smile atthe slight excitement in Keith’s voice. It filled his heart once more with suchjoy for his son, that Shiro wanted to explode.

Thiswas what Shiro had always wanted for his boy. To be loved by others as much as Shiro would love him.

x.V.x

“I can’tcome home with you.”

Keith’sworld came crashing down three days after his call with his dad. He’d been oncloud nine since the call. Skypes with his dad or his family always left Keithin a good mood, but after his confession, Keith was soaring. His comrades all were happy to see Keith so happy. Theywere close with one another, due to their experiences as a team and wheneverone of them received good news, it sent them all in high spirits. A couple ofthe slightly older comrades had wormed the truth out of Keith, leading to himto talk about his confession.

Ofcourse, that had made all of them wish they could celebrate. They were allaware of Keith’s boyfriend Damien, and anyone that made Keith happy was good intheir books.

Keithhad assumed that Damien would be just as happy about everything as everyoneelse was. So, when he told Keith about not coming overseas with him, Keith wasstumped.

“What?”

“I can’tgo back to your home. I have business meetings and a new line to showcase therest of this month.” Damien murmured, eyes glued to his phone. It wasn’tunusual for Damien to always be working, even when he was with Keith. Keith wasalways on duty and call, so he figured that was how everyone worked.

“Can’tyou take time off? I thought you were telling me about how much vacation youhad saved up?” Keith asked softly. Theremust be a good explanation for this.

“I’mthe CEO,” Damien laughed, as if Keith had just told him a joke. “I can’t justdisappear for a week to have fun.”

Keithfrowned. “You’ve told me that you should have more time off because you’re the CEO.” He placed hishands on his hips. This wasn’t how his night was supposed to go.

“Babethat was a joke. You need to start getting those better, it’s a bit annoying,”Damien replied nonchalantly. Internally, Keith winced. He thought that he hadgotten better at distinguishing between jokes and reality. After all, he’dgotten pretty good at sarcasm over the years. Right?

“But,this is important to me,” Keith murmured quietly. Damien seemed to sigh out offrustration and Keith felt another twinge in his chest. “This is my family, I’mtalking about.”

“Whoa,whoa, whoa, what?” Finally, Damienlooked up from his phone. He had a shocked look on his face, as if Keith hadjust thrown him a curve ball.

“We’vetalked about this. Meeting my dad? My friends?” Keith huffed impatiently. Hewas trying to remain calm and collected despite Damien starting to frustratehim. Couples fight all the time; this isnormal to do. Keith slowly took a deep breath. Damien still hadn’t put hisphone down but at least he was looking at Keith.

“No.”Damien said quickly. “We never agreedto meet your family. I thought you wanted this trip to show me where you livedand to have fun? I think you need to start listening better.” His voice soundedslightly accusing and it threw Keith for a loop. What?

“Well,yeah, we can have fun but the point of me showing you around then would be tointroduce you to the people in my town. Like my dad.” Keith emphasized slowly. He took another deep breath. Don’t get mad. Don’t get mad. “You knowhow close we are.”

“Yeah,but aren’t you a grown man? Why do you always gotta go back to your dad?”Damien huffed angrily and turned back to his phone.

“Becausehe’s my dad! I’m sorry we’re close?”Keith hissed.

“You shouldbe.”

“Thatwas sarcasm.”

“Oh,now you get it.” Damien rolled his eyes and he continued to tap at his phone.Keith wanted to scream with frustrations.Was this how a fight was supposed to go? Keith didn’t think so.

“Canyou get off your phone for one second and have a conversation with me?” Keith growledand tapped his food impatiently. Damien snorted and didn’t stop messing withhis phone, but eventually he looked up.

“Theconversation is done with. I’m not going to meet your dad or anyone else.”Damien replied and this time Keith did throw his hands up.

“Andwhy not?!” Keith cried.

“Becausewe aren’t serious!” Damien finally tossed his phone aside and stood up. He hadalmost eight-years on Keith and about fifty pounds, but Keith was a pilot inthe military. He knew that he could take Damien out in a second but that didn’tmake his looming figure any less frightening.

Keithfelt a painful tug in his chest.

Hestuttered. “What?”

Damiensnorted with another roll of his eyes, still too close for comfort.

“Youcan’t believe that we were serious? You and I never would have worked.” Damienadmitted gruffly. Keith’s eyes burned but he refused to even show tears.

“Whywould I think that?” Keith whispered.

“Dude,you’re hot and young. But your personality ain’t so hot. You rely on your dadway too much. And honestly, all of your quirks are annoying.” Damien mutteredbitterly. With each word, Keith felt another painful tug in his chest. What was this feeling?

“Quirks?”Keith didn’t want to ask but his mouth betrayed him.

“Yeah,like how you’re gonna go bald soon if you keep pulling your hair. Or that weirdthing you do with your arms? When we’re in public too.” Damien rambled on, noteven pausing in his nasty rant. “I did some research about this autistic shitand I can’t do that man.”

Keith couldhear something cracking. Was that a rib?

“Youcan’t handle it?” Keith snarled. Damien momentarily flinched, remembering whatKeith was enlisted in, before frowning.

“Yeahbabe, don’t you think that is a lot to ask someone?” Damien bit back and Keithfroze.

“What?”

“Ibasically have to take care of a kid. That’s not how relationships work,”Damien continued with a snarl. “It’s not fair for you to think that anyone would want that kind of pressureon them. And do you know what others would think?”

“Whocares?!” Keith cried, feeling a lump in his throat. Oh, no. No, no, no.

“I do!”Damien hissed, whirling in Keith’s face. “I’m a CEO and I have a huge public figure. What would peoplesay if I settled with some autistic nutcase.”

Thecracking turned into a shattering sound.

In thenext second, the only sound that filled the apartment was the sound of a slap.Damien blinked, stunned that Keith would actually raise a hand to him. At thehorrified look on Keith’s face, guilt began to bubble in his stomach.

“Keith,babe…”

“Don’tyou dare,” Keith whispered hoarsely. “You don’t fucking get to say anythingelse after that.”

“C’mon,I’m sorry,” Damien tried to reach for Keith, only to be shoved back into thecouch. He yelped when he stumbled over a small table, shattering a vase besidehim.

“Don’t.Not after everything you just said. After admitting, nothing was real,” Keithswallowed heavily. Oh no, no, no.Keith turned suddenly towards the door, storming out the front door. He ignoredDamien’s shouts and apologies behind him, slamming the door behind him.

All the while, his heart wasbreaking.

x.V.x

Shiroknew something was wrong when Keith arrived at the airport alone. Alone andlooking as if his whole world had crashed. He had spent the better part of theweek cleaning his house more than usual, in preparation for Damien and Keith.He had been good and refused to have “Special resources” look into this Damienfellow. He didn’t even google the guy.

Butafter seeing Keith arrive alone and dejected, Shiro wished he had.

“Hey,”Shiro greeted softly. Keith mumbled a greeting and quietly accepting his dad’shug. Shiro could feel his instincts flooding when Keith didn’t even smile. “Here,let me take your bag and we can head to the car.”

“Damien’snot coming,” Keith finally mumbled awkwardly. Shiro’s heart ached upon hearingthe slight crack in Keith’s voice. Thatwas never good. All he wanted to do was wrap Keith into his arms and shieldhim from the world, as if Keith were a little boy again.

“Alright.Let’s head to the car,” Shiro simply said. He bit his tongue to keep fromasking Keith prying questions. He also made sure not to badmouth or speak ofDamien. After all, Keith and Damien could have mutually broken up. Though bythe sad look in Keith’s eyes, Shiro doubted that.

“I made your favorite. Mac n’cheese. Red’s keeping it warm.” Shiro began as he and Keith silently walked tothe car. This usually would get a smile from Keith along with a snide commentabout how Shiro could never rememberKeith’s favorite dinner. The silence dug a deeper hole in Shiro’s heart. Oh my star, what happened?

Shiro filled the silence with talk abouthow everyone was doing. Keith vaguely listened and nodded whenever Shiro wouldbring something up. He never added his own commentary or spoke up, the entireride home. The troubled feeling in Shiro’s gut only grew with Keith’s solemnattitude.

Keith spoke finally, when Shiro hadparked the car in his driveway. His expression was grave.

“Damien and I aren’t togetheranymore,” He said softly. Shiro’s heart clenched and he gripped the steeringwheel tightly as he took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry Keith. What happened?”Shiro reached over to rub Keith’s shoulder. He knew Keith might not want toanswer that question but he had to tryto get some answers. He had to help Keith.

For a while, Keith was silent.

Then in a voice that signified hewas close to crying, Keith said, “He didn’t want me.”

And that was when Keith and Shiro’s heart broke.

x.V.x

Twoweeks later, Damien was awoken at an ungodly hour by someone knocking on hisdoor. He grumbled. He stumbled through his quiet and empty apartment beforefinally reaching his door. Upon opening it, Damien found himself surrounded byat least a dozen men. All were bigger, stronger and more tactile than him andevery one of them were wearing familiar army uniforms.

Finallythe one who looked like the leader stepped up close to Damien.

“W-Whoare you? W-What do you want from me?”

The mangrinned darkly. “Damien? My name is Captain Takashi Shirogane of the SpecialOperations unit. This is Kuro Shirogane. You might know us as Keith’s father and uncle. The rest of these menare Keith’s other uncles and comrades.”

Damien’sheart dropped.

Shiro’sgrin widened. “How about you and I have a chat.”

#single dad shiro #single dad Shiro AU #kiddie!AU #kiddie!paladins #voltron legendary defender #thanks nonny #we needed that angstfest #poor baby #PROTECT THE RED BEAN

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moreracquetball · 7 years

Text

Youtuber AU Headcanons

(Lowkey inspired by a post by @whizzerbrowne who brought the idea to my attention and it has since dominated my brain). Let’s just get started:

(This got way too long, yikes. I had to include a read more line)

~ Three Youtubers: Jason, Cordelia, and Whizzer.

Jason

Type: He’s one of those younger, newer youtubers. He started when he was nine, and he talked frankly about stuff like divorce (bc his parents were going through a divorce at the time) and being an introvert and being autistic and being Jewish and dealing with a difficult relationship with his parents. He has trouble really talking to people so it was like really easy to just sit in front of a camera and start talking at them. Side note: this was totally Mendel’s idea as a therapy exercise that actually worked, okay? And (as we’ve seen in the musical), Jason has this raw honesty and wit to him that is very funny and real to watch. As he’s gotten older, he’s started talking about other things - like not such heavy topics. He talks about the things that he’s hyperfixated on (baseball, chess, the emoji movie, etc), and though his content is pretty erratic and all over the place, people just love his commentary and he’s amassed millions of followers in just a few years??

He also vlogs /a lot/, which is how his audience got to know Trina, Mendel, and Marvin.

Trina - Everyone literally adores her. She is v nervous and awkward in her cameos in Jason’s videos, but she is also very honest and vocal about her opinions and calls herself the Cool Mom even though Jason’s like “Mom, you don’t let me stay up past ten even when it’s not a school night” and Trina’s just “A Cool Mom can’t still care about your healthy and well-being??”

Mendel - As a one-off, Jason asked his followers to submit questions to Mendel the Psychiatrist for a collab idea with his stepdad, and his pieces of advice were kinda off the wall and funny and it quickly became a series and one of Jason’s most popular series ever. Some people are convinced Mendel is just playing a character so Jason has to be like “no he is actually like this. You have to believe me.” Also: Mendel gets a snapchat that everyone follows. He uploads grainy pictures of like trees and makes puns and constantly spams his story with pictures of Trina with captions like “look at how pretty she is” and “how did i get so lucky” and “rare photo of an actual goddess.”

Marvin - Tbh, the audience’s reaction to Marvin is a little more mixed, esp at first. Jason had talked a lot about his difficult relationship with Marvin and his “Draw My Life” video did stir up some contempt for Marvin’s selfishness. But like, over the years and through small snippets of cameos, it is generally believed that Marvin has changed and grown up a lot and is like an amazing (but dorky) dad. His cameos in Jason’s videos are the best bc it shows how eerily alike those two are and at one point Marvin briefly talks about internalized homophobia and toxic masculinity and hints at the stuff that he is’t proud of, and everyone - no matter their outward opinion of him - has like a little crush on him. Also, the videos with Marvin and Mendel both?? Their petty arguing gets like millions of hits every time.

Jason also totally does all the trend/tag videos but also has like that sarcastic, almost ironic vibe at first but he ends up really sincerely liking it.

Jason also does like monologues of his thoughts and opinions while also doing mini skits in between and he is iconic and a jack of all trades really.

He is very articulate and seems so mature but like any hate whatsoever does get to him a lot. He’s learned how to deal with his self-doubt and ignoring the trolls better than he had when he first started, but every once in awhile it still gets to him.

Also??? Remember that Roast Yourself Challenge trend??? Jason did that, and it was on the top page for like a solid week. He went too hard and too real.

Cordelia

Type: Totally like Hannah Hart’s Drunk Kitchen, are you even kidding me?? That it totally Cordelia. She drinks and talks about current events and makes really bad food puns and it is Everything. She also branches out after awhile and starts doing like satirical how-to videos. Lowkey once she tried to make a wry, parody version of a beauty vlogger how-to and she ended up having so much fun with it and her after make-up looked ballin, so she starts doing make-up tutorials, too.

She’s also very very proudly gay and out. Like, her username is literally lesbiancaterer. But she still gets like comments on her videos saying “are you straight?” or “her boyfriend must be a lucky guy” and it just makes her go “????? How could I ever make this clearer?” (once, in a collab with Marvin, one comment said “ahh, her and her bf are such #relationship goals” which then launched a very satirical, very deadpan boyfriend tag video with her and Marvin that made it abundantly clear just how fucking gay those two are).

Charotte first got introduced very very early in her videos bc once during a drunk kitchen, Cordelia cut her finger with a knife and called for her girlfriend and Charlotte went into complete Doctor Mode and started treating her immediately. Cordelia is a little tipsy at that point and starts blatantly flirting with her and calling her “my doctor” and that video’s comment section is just keysmashing and the phrase “my doctor.”

Cordelia does not try to hide her relationship in any way. She and Charlotte have done all those cute couples tags and Charlotte is the star of Cordelia’s social media and vlogs. Now they are #relationship goals.

Cordelia actually got into Youtube bc of Jason and everyone was like lowkey shocked when it turned out that these two popular but different youtubers knew each other and cameo in one another’s videos a lot and Cordelia is like “he is literally my godson, guys. Ofc I’m gonna be around him and support him.”

Whizzer

Type: Ohhh boy!! Whizzer is def the kind of youtuber that has been around on the platform since circa 2007 - are you even gonna try to fight me on that??? He is a fashion channel (also has like a series of the youtube version of fashion police) but also like a major storytime channel bc he’s been around and tells the craziest but realest stories of all time. He is also quickly considered The Gay Icon^tm of Youtube.

He is definitely one of the biggest youtubers on the platform but he also lowkey feels too old to still be on here and has that like Shane Dawson kinda feel of like keeping it real about youtube drama and rebranding himself and learning from stupid old videos when he was still like a shit 20-something that was lowkey problematic.

He stans so hard for Britney Spears and Carly Rae Jepsen and he got Carly in one of his collabs and he could not stop smiling and fangirling and he is literally all of us.

He is very, very vocal and honest about his sexuality and sexual history. He has a lot of Body and Sex Positivity videos and speaks very bluntly about the importance of self-esteem and body image and safe sex.

(One of his most popular videos is the one with him candidly speaking about having HIV and he talks about his mistake with unsafe sex and all the terrible stigmas around the topic. He talks about how it’s both a physical and emotional struggle, and he also talks about treatment and awareness and prevention and seeking emotional help to combat depression).

He arranges a collab with Jason bc they are alike in that they always speak candidly about issues and struggles and have like the exact same sense of dry, almost scathing humor. Whizzer meets Marvin bc Marvin is like “Jason, there is no way you’re meeting a strange man who you met over the internet. I am definitely going to be the one that goes with you.”

(Awkward moment when Marvin and Jason get to Whizzer’s apartment, and Marvin and Whizzer’s profiles light up with one another from one of those websites like Grindr). Whizzer has like lowkey commented on Jason’s videos before with lewd comments about his hot dad, but like this is so not what Whizzer had been expecting?? Yeah, at the end of Whizzer and Jason’s collab video, Whizzer puts like a small blooper reel and it’s him continually flirting with Jason’s dad (who’s behind the camera) and the Internet suddenly has a new fave ship.

(Marvin and Whizzer totally messaged each other and hooked up like the next day).

But like, they keep the budding relationship very underwraps bc they both really don’t want it to affect Jason’s channel and neither really think at first that their whole arrangement will go anywhere close to serious because Whizzer has never been in love or had a steady boyfriend and Marvin cannot hold a relationship either even after his divorce.

But of course they fall in love, and of course the internet knows something’s up. Whizzer keeps vaguing on Twitter about the new man in his life with weird tweets like “I can’t believe I’m deliberately sleeping with a man who UNIRONICALLY knows every word to Allstar” and “get you a man who always sends that courtesy ‘thank you.’ text after you send him a dick pic.” And when Whizzer vlogs, he always makes sure to keep the camera trained on himself but you can see that his eyes are always looking away as he’s like smiling at someone who does not want to be on camera. Also, Jason’s weekend vlogs have cameos of Whizzer in them now.

They mess up when in one of aforementioned Jason’s vlogs, there’s a grainy clip of Marvin and Whizzer in the background and Marvin kisses Whizzer’s cheek. The internet loses their minds

(After nine/ten months of dating, Whizzer and Marvin abruptly break up and neither really acknowledges it. However, weeks after their break up, Whizzer decides to make a story-time video about this fucking asshole boyfriend that broke up with him over a chess game. He wanted it to be like both petty but also very funny because that is such a ridiculous story, but like when he’s editing it, he notices himself being like on the verge of tears in some parts and being overly bitter and tense, and he never uploads it and he realizes that he isn’t over Marvin like he had said he was).

(However, Whizzer does end up making a story-time video later about how Jason’s baseball game brought him and Marvin back together).

After they get back together, they’ve worked out their issues and are couples goals now and they do not hide their relationship and Marvin makes cameos in both Whizzer and Jason’s videos/younows and it is incredible.

Through Jason and Marvin, Whizzer and Cordelia meet and they become best friends. They collab all the time and they complain about queer struggles and they talk about their relationships and get drunk on camera and be weird, loud idiots and those videos get tons of views.

And Whizzer gets candid about how he’s always felt like alone in the world and hasn’t really had the opportunity to rely on anyone but himself but through Jason and Marvin, he meets Cordelia and Charlotte and Mendel and Trina, and even though they might not get along all the time and some people are closer to other people, they’re all his family and he never thought that he’d really have one that close before. It’s one of his most vulnerable videos.

The most successful videos on all three’s channels are the collabs of the three of them together: Jason and Cordelia and Whizzer. And they become like one of those Youtube cliques that collab all the time and tweet about each other��s videos constantly and always hang out with one another at all the events like Vidcon and Playlist Live.

#omg this became way way too long #and it won't get a lot of notes but I just had a lot of feelings #i needed to get there #this is the au ive been assembling in my head for days now #help me please #these have haunted me #falsettos #falsettos revival #Whizzer Brown #cordelia falsettos #jason falsettos #falsettos au

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littledonkeyburrito · 7 years

Text

I need to start coming up with more creative titles for these.

Ever kissed anyone with a nipple piercing? Not that I’m aware of, but there’s a couple of people that I’ve made out with and never seen shirtless, so who knows

What about a lip piercing? No

Nose piercing? I don’t think so

Did you sleep alone last night? Yep

How are you sitting? Cross legged on the couch

Where is your family? Probably in their respective homes

Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow? Always

What were you doing at 12 AM last night? Sleeping

Waiting for something? A call back from any of the companies I’ve sent resumes to

How many people did you kiss last summer? I think it was only one actually, but there was a couple more that were summer adjacent.

Was yesterday terrible? Yesterday was fine

Did you reject or accept your last friend request? I accepted it but I probably shouldn’t have bc tbh I think she’ll get pretty annoying on my facebook (ex work colleague)

Do you like pretzels? They’re fine but they’re totally overrated by america

Do you wait until you’ve completely finished a certain makeup product before you buy a new one? I don’t buy makeup products

Would you say that people consider you a major flirt? I don’t know. You would have to ask “people”

Do any of your friends have children? Not yet

If you have a girlfriend/boyfriend, how long have you been together? I do not

Did you wake up before 8 AM this morning? I sure as fuck did not.

Do you wear eyeliner? Nah

Whose wall have you wrote on today? Nobody

Would you rather cry in public or make someone else cry in public? Neither, both are super awkward for me

Would you rather sleep for 3 days or stay awake for 3 days?   I feel like I’ve done both before. Depending on what I’m doing, both have their pros and cons

Would you rather be just rich or rich and famous? Just rich

Who will you be sleeping with tonight? Nobody

Last person to make you laugh? The internet

Do you look at older pictures and laugh? Depends on the picture

When will your next kiss be? no idea

Have you ever truly thought you knew who you were going to marry? No

Do you have anything that belongs to a partner or an ex partner? No

What would you say if someone told you they were in love with your sister? That I don’t have a sister

Has anyone called you babe or baby in the last two days? No, I’m not sure anyone’s called me that ever and I’d prefer it stay that way

Do you still talk to the person you last kissed? Currently waiting to see how long it’ll take him to message me first for once. So, kinda I guess

Who was the last person of the opposite sex to be in your bedroom?   Um well technically my apartment is a studio and my landlord was here like 20 minutes ago so I guess it was him. But the last dude to go in the actual bedroom area was the guy who stayed with me a few weekends ago from Madrid.

Did you see your best friend today? No. We live on different continents

Are your ears pierced more than once, if at all? Just the one in each ear

If you wear skirts, are you more likely to wear leggings, or go bare? I don’t wear skirts

Are you addicted to texting? No, but I do prefer to message at least one friend every day

How many times do you knock on the door? I don’t. I stand outside and text them and wait for them to open it.

If you could move somewhere else, would you? Well I’ve sent a couple of resumes to companies in Panama and if I get offered a good job with a decent salary then I’ll definitely consider moving there.

Did you kiss or hug anyone recently? No

Does your phone ring in the middle of the night? Not since I left Australia. Was a pretty common occurrence there with my job though. The worst was when I was really tired but had to take the work phone home with me and one of my staff would call just after I’d fallen asleep and I’d still be confused as fuck when I answer but have to try to play it cool and not let them know they woke me up. Was even worse when it was a client calling...

Is there anybody you’re really disappointed in right now? No..?

Is there someone you will never forget? Many people

Can you live a day without TV? Yeah

Do you swallow gum when you’re done with it? I don’t like chewing gum

Any plans for this weekend? Nope

Have you seen anyone lately that you don’t get along with? No. There’s nobody that I don’t really get along with, especially not in this country.

Who was the last person you rode in a car with that’s not family? I think the last time I was in a car was my transfer to the airport in panama. I don’t have a car here and nobody I know has a car. I always just walk or get the metro. I don’t even usually get cabs here.

Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? Nah

Is there anything stressing you out currently? My bank balance is gradually getting lower and lower and I don’t have a job yet.

What kind of mood are you in today? Average. Not happy, not sad

How late did you stay up last night and why? Maybe 10 or 11. I was pretty tired from doing nothing all day

Have you ever slept in the same bed with the last person you kissed? I think the longest I ever actually slept with him was like 4 hours. Always had to go sneak back into my room before anyone woke up.

Are you mad at anyone? No

Did the last guy/girl you kissed have any piercings? No

What is the name of the last band you discovered? Not a band but I came across Alvaro Soler and I really like his music

Would you rather go to a Katy Perry or Taylor Swift concert? No thankyou

What pattern do the sheets on your bed have? The sheets are white. The doona is white with blue diamond patterns on it

Are your days full and fast-paced? Only when I travel

Do you call any of your friends by their last name? Yeah, my old flatmate usually goes by his last name. Made it a little weird when he had family visiting because I could either 1) refer to him by his first name, or 2) use his last name and have everybody he’s related to turn around and look at me

Have you ever gotten lost in a department store? El Corte Ingles. The floors are too big. I usually end up giving up which isn’t necessarily a bad thing because it’s kind of expensive there.

How long have you had the shirt you’re wearing? A few years I guess. I don’t remember when I bought it

Are you a slut? Depends on definition

What happened last time you got drunk? I drank beer with people from the office and then I went back to their apartment which was kind of like a staff apartment and a couple of the bosses lived there too. Drank some more beer, did some cocaine, patted a dog and cut my thumb on a beer can.

When’s the last time you straightened your hair? I don’t think I ever have. My hair is pretty straight on its own.

What do you want right this second? I wouldn’t mind a glass of coke

What were you doing at 10:00 this morning? Sleeping

What cell phone company do you use? Vodafone

Do you wear a bath robe? No

Do you know anyone autistic? Yeah, a few

How about someone bipolar? I think so

What do you want your job to be when you’re older? Please offer me suggestions because I have no fucking idea

What are you listening to? Nothing in particular

Does the last person you texted smoke pot? Idk. Probably, a lot of people here do bc it’s legal. He’s my landlord though so it’s not like he’s going to tell me that information

What did you wear to bed last night? My pyjamas

Who’s in the room with you? Just me

Have you ever liked someone older than you? They’re generally older than me

Do you like men with beards and goatees? Stubble is goooood. Depends on the guy though

Where do you live? Spain

Do you always lock your door? Yes. It auto-locks anyway, but I deadbolt it too.

Do you smoke cigarettes? No

Is your birthday in a winter month? In Australia, yes. Here, no.

Do you have siblings over the age of 21? Yes.

What is the last letter of your middle name? L

Have you ever skipped school just because you were tired? I skipped plenty of lectures at uni in favour of sleep. Probably a contributing factor to the failing of classes and dropping out.

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? Yep

When was the last time you were told you were cute? Probably in Panama

Do you like Chinese food? Yes. The food when I was travelling in China was insanely good.

Have you ever trusted a guy when you shouldn’t have? Yeah I guess so

Do you have a brother? What’s his name? Sam

What time is it? 7:44pm

Is your phone close to you? It is under my left thigh (almost my buttcheek) so I can feel if anyone messages me.

What woke you up this morning? I suppose I had enough sleep

When did you last use a straw? I have no idea but you just reminded me that I bought straws recently and haven’t used any yet so I’m gonna start drinking my alcohol with straws now. Well, not right now bc I don’t want to drink tonight, but whenever I next drink at home I’ll use one.

Have you ever driven without a license? I originally learned to drive in a Mini Moke in my Dad’s backyard (he had 3 acres) when I was maybe 10 years old. So obvs I didn’t have a licence then. Also the brakes in the car didn’t work so we basically had to make sure the dogs weren’t near us

What color shirt are you wearing? Grey. With a red/black checked hoodie over it

Do you have a ceiling fan located in your bedroom? No

What are you most looking forward to tomorrow? My life is super boring so the only thing I’m doing tomorrow is going to the post office to pick up whatever I was left a slip for.

Have you cuddled with someone today? No

Have you spoken to a relative on the phone today? No

Do you use the toilet paper with the colorful designs on it? I use the cheapest toilet paper that doesn’t feel like sandpaper. I’m not going to pay extra for colourful designs when I’m literally just going to wipe my ass with it.

What was the first thing you ate today? Spicy noodles

Do you have anything more important you should be doing right now? No

Have you set an alarm today? No

Do you keep up-to-date with current news and events? I don’t. I made a decision during a low point a few years ago to cut negative things out of my life. So I unfollowed a bunch of people on tumblr and I stopped keeping up with news because it was just making me depressed. Occasionally I google to see what’s up with my province and that’s about it. Otherwise I see what I really need to see on facebook/tumblr.

When was the last time you visited relatives? I visited my dad a few days before I left Australia

Is chapstick a necessity for you? Sometimes, yes. But if I stay hydrated enough then it’s not really an issue.

Name the last 6 people you texted/messaged:

Gabriel

João

Maggie @aturinfortheworse

Aman

Anna @intimidatethevoid

Bear

(this is a slightly unusual bunch since only half of them are people I regularly message)

How did you meet #3? Highschool

What’s #6’s middle name? No idea

Who have you known the longest out of your 6? Maggie

Who have you known the least out of your 6? Anna

How do you know #5? Through the group chat we’re in with Maggie and Bear

Where does #1 live? Somewhere nearby. I don’t know exactly

Is #1 your best friend? No, he’s my landlord

Who on your 6 doesn’t have a job? Maggie I think..? Not sure about Bear and Anna. Also not 100% sure on João

Does #5 have their drivers license? I believe so

Would you ever live with #2? Lmao I almost do. He’s my next door neighbour.

Why did you text #4? Because he messaged me first so I replied obvs

Do you miss #3? Yeah, come to Spain you loser

Is #6 a stoner or alchie? Not anymore I don’t think

Have you ever danced with #2? No, I’ve met him like twice for us to pay our bills (our apartments run off the same metre for water and electricity)

Have you ever done anything sexual with any of them? Well Aman is my ex so yeah

What would your life be like without #1? I would probably live somewhere else

Is #2 your best friend? No

What do you love about #3? So many things

What do you dislike about #3? So many things. (kidding)

What is #5’s weakness? Difficulty sleeping?

What kind of car does #4 drive? I remember it’s a little black sedan but I don’t remember what type of car it actually is

What would you do if #3 & #6 were dating? Uhhh nothing probably. I’d be surprised but they’re both good people so I’d let them go for it.

Does #2 have a boyfriend/girlfriend? No idea

Have you ever seen #1 cry? Fuck no that would be weird

Have you ever kept a secret from #5? No

What is something special about #4? He’s very attractive.

Does #2 have any special talents? No idea

In one word, describe #6. Teddy

Has anyone in your top 6 hurt you? Who? Uhh no..?

Have you ever fought with #6? No

Is #1 a musician? Not that I’m aware of

How old is #4? He’s 27

Would you ever kiss #5 (if you haven’t already)? Probs not, soz bro

#Maybe I should take the most out of context quote from my answers and use that as the title #yeah I might start doing that #this one would be #They’re fine but they’re totally overrated by america #The floors are too big #It is under my left thigh (almost my buttcheek)#Also the brakes in the car didn’t work #I’m not going to pay extra for colourful designs when I’m literally just going to wipe my ass with it #These are all valid potential titles

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enby-hawke · 7 years

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no reblogging, personal

My whole life sort of needs to come with it's own trigger warning to please take care if you're not in a space to deal with it My father is a deeply racist shitty fucked up man who is on his deathbed and I don't care. And I feel horrible cause I can't bring myself to care. I hate him with every fiber of my being. He was 45 when he went after my young 18 year old mother and knocked her up. She wanted an abortion. He's a mormon. He said he's do the right thing and marry her, but he didn't seem to care about her when he fucked her cousin. He was an abusive man which should be to no one's surprise, but he wasn't physical. That's all I can say. But my mom...I was separated from her when I was about 10 and my father used every penny he had to block her from seeing her once he gained the upper hand in the custody case (by using my rape funnily enough that fucker) and would change phone numbers monthly just so my mom wouldn't be able to contact us, unplugged the internet when she found us on MySpace, purposely come on the wrong visitation date. I don't have a lot of memories of my childhood, because pedophilic parasites took advantage of my parent turmuluous marriage. Hell one of them loved me so much he killed my first dog. The one I named after me cause I was a brat. I mean that's it's own fucked up story but what I meant to bring up was when my mother finally won her court case for custody. And I remember him fuming to his friends about that bitch. And we were supposed to meet halfway to a safehouse for a day long visit that was 2 hours away rather than my mom coming 5 hours to us every 2 weeks. And I remember being so excited because I was going to tell her how I was sorry I ever said anything about her boyfriend because I didn't realize they would use it to take me away from her. And how I didn't care about all the other abuse Jon did because I missed her. And I didn't know if she was going to be protected anymore I remember I had this whole script and I think my father knew. Because as soon as he got there he turned the car around. And my sisters and I started screaming at the top of our lungs and he told us to "shut the fuck up." And we kept screaming "You promised" and her replied. "She's not there" But her care was right there so I didn't understand why he was saying that. And I remember trying to open up the car doors and he immediately locked it. And I remember I started banging on the window and he threatened to give me a black eye. And he knew I was witnessing my mother cover up her black eyes every day with makeup. And so we all started breaking down and just reaching for the back of car and screaming, hoping that someone would hear us and make him turn around. He is an absolute nightmare. I cannot emphasize this enough. I don't want to ever see him again but he's dying. talk to my mother until I was...18? 19? Gaslighting was his main method of abuse and I was never sure if he couldn't keep his story straight or because his actions couldn't stand up to my hard scrutiny.So every day seeing that orange mother fucker on screen I immediately think of my dad. I mean if you want to know what my dad is like as a person once you're past pretense, he's a "moderate" Trump. He never let up on his story even though none of it matched reality. So much of my life was just a fucking mind game to him and he delighted in making me "triggered" and would manipulate me and my sisters into turning against the other by selective favoritism by not whoever the was the kindest, or had the best grades, or did well in extra curriculars, but whoever would play along with his fucked up game. And being autistic. Being hyperempathetic. And being hypersensitive to abuse already from witnessing domestic violence, I very quickly decided I was unable to play this game because it just was not in me. So I sort of became the family emotional wrecking ball. I was punished for not being a good enough example for my sisters, despite pulling straight A's, doing auditions, plays, art, writing. My father wanted me to sing cause I'm good at it, but I'm so painfully introverted my hair falls used to fall out from the performances I was forced to perform in all the weird and unusual tributes I had to make to please my father. He didn't like that I was reading cause he said it made me willful. He didn't like me writing or drawing because my stories were about how much I hated him, how I wanted to be an orphan. I would write weirdly happy stories that finally someone pointed out couldn't make sense because of all the abuse that the main characters were going through. I knew he read my journals cause I would write letters to him. Maybe hoping he'd understand me and just talk to me straight for once. But he just used my art to fuel his games. Until my own passions became triggers. And my mom...I guess I sort of made this idealized picture of what my mother was as a refuge from my shitty racist father so when we were skyping and I was hearing things like "I don't know if you should hang out with that Hmong friend of yours. They're gamblers and they'll steal your money." And I was so shocked. I just I just asked her how she could think that. And she told me a story about how when she was trying to get away from her "still" abusive boyfriend and she took refuge with a Hmong family who just happened to be shielding a member who had a gambling problem. I remember walking through the steps with her. Constantly bringing up my dad cause also would gamble away our Christmas money and then tell us we didn't deserve Christmas that year instead of facing his problems. I remember having to *purposefully* use white people because she couldn't even relate to other filipino's humanity. She thinks her own people are criminals. And I would work with her and I would think it would start to sink in for one group. And then she'd have something to say about black people or mexicans or muslims until I was calling her out so much, I drove her away. I realize now I was trying to force her to be this person I had invented and tried to replicate all my life but it was difficult to face that she was deeply flawed and toxic from a lifetime of constant abuse. I try to keep in mind that she's still trapped in an abusive situation and she comes from a country where violence is normal. Where there are classes of people you don't protect. Where protesters and dissenters are killed by police and there's no outcry. She didn't vote for Trump but she didn't see what the big deal is. She shared a meme comparing him to filipino president how he's like a stern father corralling a wild uncultured youth and I freaked out so hard I unfriended her because nazis were rioting in the streets in downtown Portland and I was terrified. To be honest I don't even know how to begin to connect with her anymore because she was my comfort through my abuse. And her not matching up to reality is just..s sometimes too much. I don't even know what's real about myself because so much of my life has just been in service of others. There are so many times I feel like a mirror, helping other people reflect and grow, and yet I remain stunted. I'm too afraid to contact my family because as much as I don't mind this role neutrally, they take and take and take and take and when I show any semblence of free will or wanting respect or apologies I'm gaslit into oblivion and they always make me feel like I am the reason that everything is falling apart. And they let me carry that alone along with all their burdens. And suddenly when I voice that I don't want to do this anymore they would turn on me. I remember my sisters tried to joke with me how they used to come up with plans to torment me just because they were bored. And they wanted me to laugh along with it. Like I didn't stay awake every night til 3am begging the universe to just take me. They knew no matter how mad I was, I would always always help them if they really needed it. And they took advantage of that.

And it's so hard to be around them cause I just want to confront them. Most of the time I'm ok, but when I'm around them I'm just waiting for them to turn on me. And then they say something and I get resentful. But past experience has told me, no matter how I word things, no matter how gently the message is made, any semblance of asking them to take responsibility for what they did to me and it becomes a blame game where they bring up past instances of my wrongdoings that I've long since apologized and paid penance for. And all my self work crumbles and I'm that "it" child again. The "heshe." The ones the teachers thought was odd and didn't protect. The "sissy" And I start to believe that I'm this terrible person that would contribute more to the world by not being in it.

#personal #suicidal ideation tw #suicide tw #I'm not gonna hurt myself #just dumping

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nightcoremoon · 7 years

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now that I've driven home and had a few minutes to cool off and collect my thoughts, I feel I should explain myself to the people who have been following me and know who i am so I don't damage my relationship or reputation more than I probably already have. there was a post that an autistic person I follow made, where he vented about bigotry against autistic people, and ended with a passive aggressive "...janice". there was another post that a nonbinary person I follow made where they vented about bigotry against gender nonconforming people, and ended with a passive aggressive "...denise". I'm not 100% sure which was which but I DEFINITELY remember the posts, as well as the profile pictures of the people who posted them. I don't remember the urls though, and even if I did remember them I wouldn't list them in case the people who are now harassing and spamming me in my inbox and activity feeds decided to also hop on their [proverbial] dicks as well as mine because they apparently culturally appropriated those post templates, of ending extended rants about various bigots and ending them with names befitting of middle aged suburban soccermoms, karen. now, when listing people of this demographic, I used to include white among those adjectives. however, there are black middle aged suburban soccermoms, hispanic middle aged suburban soccermoms, and asian middle aged suburban soccermoms, and pretty much people of every race who have the potential to be this type of person the practice strawmans. obviously not every single middle aged suburban parent of children who participate heavily in after school activities is going to be the type of person to scream at retail workers or starbucks baristas or people who cut off their minivans when they're driving 15 under the speed limit in the left lane. not every single middle aged suburban person is an undeducated bible thumping bigot with their head shoved up their ass. not every one of them is a problematic piece of shit that stands by the #alllivesmatter crew or trump or whatever the republicans are rallying around this week. not even all of the white ones, and there are some people who fit the trope who are not white. I've dealt with many of them during my days at target, but I always stood by including white. until recently. when I learned it made black people uncomfortable when white people made white jokes, I was of course initially hesitant. "that's fucking stupid!" I though. "I'm not assuaging white guilt by doing this, I'm just finding it in me to laugh at myself". and then I read a bit more about the subject and figured it isn't worth the potential heartache if I fought it because in all honesty it kind of makes sense. my mom's boyfriend's son is black (and hispanic), and I had once made a white girl joke to my sister in front of him and mom told me later that both he and her boyfriend were uncomfortable with me saying that. after seeing the post that talked about it, and my... slight breakdown where I may have dramatically overreacted... I decided to try and stop with the white people jokes because I want to unlearn all of the racist shit that my dad, stepmom, aunts, uncles, grandparents, former friends, former acquaintances, and society in general that I possibly could, because racism as a concept digs into my skin and fucks me up. it used to make me absolutely seethe with rage, and I still get a little steamed by it. in fact I once got in a LOT of trouble with my high school sociology student teacher because I got really shitty with her when she- an anthropology student no less- kept calling one kid in our class by his initial because apparently kudsai is just Too Hard™ to pronounce. one day, an off day where I forgot to take my medicine, she called him that and I yelled at her "he has a name, so use it". granted I didn't like the kid. I thought he was annoying; loud, obnoxious, constantly making sex jokes while we were studying freud (and even the fucking holocaust), in the choir and the football team... basically like any other cishet teenage boy. but being annoying is no excuse for a teacher to not take five fucking seconds of her day to learn how to say his name right just because it wasn't franklin or gregory, two of the other black kids who I went to school with. anyone following me as far back as when annie got remade with quvenzhane wallis as the titular role might have read my thoughts on the matter of pronouncing people's names right. i'm not saying this to pat myself on the back for not being racist, because WOW was I a rough mess of things back then, but I was never like my dad's side of the family about race. back when michael brown's death and ferguson were still talked about, I found myself agreeing with rush limbaugh about some of the things he said, so clearly I haven't been a perfect angel my whole life. anyway, back to white people jokes making black people feel uncomfortable. I've been trying to make myself agree with that, which as anyone who has the syndrome formerly known as aspergers can probably attest to, is hard as shit to do. possible but hard. like, I'm even now still unlearning some acephobia, transphobia, queerphobia, islamophobia, and even though I know the occasional fleeting thoughts that I think are wrong and bad, they still happen very frequently. same goes with various forms of racism and xenophobia. my dad (and former stepdad's) influences are probably so deep because of various issues with abandonment and abuse that I'm not gonna discuss here, and they're both absolutely reeking with white supremacist microaggressions. so I'm definitely trying my hardest. part of that is why I reacted so negatively when people misinterpreted what I said, put words in my mouth, and straight up told me to kill myself in all of these messages that are still flooding in. another part is because I truly do stand by the things that I meant to say, rather than the things that it appears I've said. I really do think that it's unreasonable to say that it's racist for people who aren't black to make posts where we vent about various injustices we face from people who are misinformed and ignorant and straight up smarmy condescending assholes and then end it with a passive aggressive name of some baby boomer fuckwit, peggy. because these baby boomer fuckwits come in many colors (black people are still capable of being racist [against hispanic/asian/etc people, not whites, I need to make that abundantly clear], classist, misogynist, queerphobic, ableist, otherwise bigoted prejudiced assholes), and these names that are heralded as "typically white", like henry or franklin or gregory or harold or penelope or alice or etc, are not exclusively white names. I've seen or met black people with names like this and while it's definitely not the majority (not even close), and it's definitely partially due to cultural erasure perpetuated by gentrification, it still exists. so it doesn't make sense to me why the person who wrote the post that started me on this whole sequence of posts about this topic insisted that it was a 'white people names' thing. especially when white people names are more like khaeylieghhe or miakkaylia or annedeeye or some other ridiculous bastardisation of english language in order to make your child feel special and unique and end up growing to be a cookie cutter member of the conservative party that tries to take down affirmative action because they feel like it's reverse discriminatory or some shit. if it was something like that, making fun of those names that are actually like making jokes at the expense of white people [I think I should apologize in advance because technically this counts as a white people joke even if it's just an example] would make perfect sense. however I have not only seen posts in this template of ending with baby boomer names being used as tools to express their distaste in queerphobia, ableism, classism, xenophobia, and intolerance of other sorts, but I've made them before, and it has had not a god damn bit of racial connotation to it at all unless it's been specifically a black millennial on tumblr venting specifically about a white people-ism, and to make a post that shits on everybody who uses this template to cope if they're not black, and causes those kids who use it to cope to ask why not, and then get immediately shit on by assholes who treat them just like people are treating me, who tell them that it doesn't matter if they're neurodivergent or gay or trans or whatever because they're being Big Bad Evil Racists™ by ending their rant posts with names like becky, allison. I don't care if you're black. if you treat queer or disabled kids like shit and call them racist when they're not being racist, no matter what color your skin is, you're an asshole. and to act like fucking salem massachusetts when confronted with legitimate criticism of your ill-informed unbridled assault of an angry mama bear to queer and disabled kids, is just DISGUSTING. WEAK. and PATHETIC. and only serves to strengthen my points. so you know what, go ahead. keep sending me your hate anons. keep sending me the smarmy condescension. I can take it. just stop being fucking assholes to my family. your race isn't something I have any authority over but I won't let you use it as a weapon to beat people over the head with just because you get high off of the power you get from the veil of anonymity. false accusations of being a tier 6 skinhead is more palatable than telling us to kill ourselves.

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amorremanet · 7 years

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Sorry if this is a weird question but Is Sebastian the only one of your OCs you have a fancast(?) for or are there more 👀

Well, he’s the one whose fancast is the most set in my mind, but that’s mostly a function of: 1. him being around the longest (since… this whole thing got started, originally, as me writing background for him when he was an RP character, so my DM could have more ammunition for future plots and/or character torture);

and 2. me going, “Kassie, no, do not imagine him looking like Hayden Christensen, istg” — which clearly worked out about as well as telling a goat to do your calculus homework, since going, “don’t do this thing” only made me continue thinking about it so much that it stuck

But some other fancast thoughts I’ve had are:

Todd initially looked like Aidan Turner, but that’s currently in a state of, “ehhhhh, not quite so much” — they still have a few things in common but not enough that I like the fancast anymore

I’m annoyed that Margot, in my head, looks basically like Scar*Jo in Ghost World, if she were about 4’11”, less skinny (like, Margot is in that irritating, “in-betweenie” body type where you’re not really thin, but you’re not fat, but your weight isn’t distributed in the right way for people to mean it in a nice way when they call you, “curvy”), and had black hair and glasses

I’m annoyed with this because I’m annoyed with Scar*Jo in general — but I’m mostly letting it go and hoping that someone else comes to mind, because the last time I fought myself too hard on fancasting these losers, I went, “No, stop it, no Hayden Christensen”…… and now Seb looks like Hayden Christensen, so?

Maybe if I don’t argue with myself too hard, Margot won’t look like Scar*Jo forever.

Lucy changes between Kat McNamara and Sophie Turner, because I really do like both of them for her.

That said, I wish I knew what either of them looks like with short hair, because the long hair works for a little while, but eventually, she’s going to cut it short (because if you’re going to run headlong into things where fights could ensue, then giving your hypothetical opponents something they can easily grab onto, like long hair, is a really bad idea)

(also because I personally find the idea of an eager beaver go-getting young autistic hemokinetic with short, bright red hair and no chill…… super cute)

For Sara Grace, I really love Asha Bromfield, who’s currently playing Melody Valentine on Riverdale

I am perpetually cranky that I don’t have a fancast for Pete, because I love him more than GRRM loves Jon Snow and Tyrion Lannister — and I initially thought of Karl “Manila Luzon” Westerberg, because Manila and Pete are both white/Filipinx biracial (and as I just found out, they are apparently the same height)…… but Manila’s skin is a few shades lighter than I see Pete’s, and their respective tones are pretty different, too

Convenient points of comparison: I see Pete’s skin tones and shades being closer to Bianca “Jiggly Caliente” Castro’s or Ryan “Ongina” Ong Palao’s (who are both also Filipinx, though not biracial afaik) than to Manila’s

Pete’s older brother Jimmy is closer to Manila in terms of shading, though their skin-tones are still different

I do know that Emerson, one of Pete’s cousins from his Dad’s side of the family, looks like Eddie Redmayne, but that’s just because Emerson used to be in a different project, and I moved him to this one, and he’s looked like Eddie Redmayne since, like, 2009.

He’s also a really secondary/tertiary character, so it’s kind of a cheap consolation prize to not having a fancast for Pete that makes me happy

Like, Emerson is not quite to, “I could replace him with an interesting lamp and have the same effect” levels, but he’s not a big deal.

I mean?? He’s Pete’s cousin. Both of them are the gay cousin, but Emerson is a gay Libertarian who works for the FBI and Pete is completely certain that he’s making up his alleged boyfriend because why would someone who sounds so cool and nice want to date Emerson

He’s not making up his boyfriend. But Pete’s enjoying himself in trying to prove that Emerson is making Asa up, just like how he made up two separate girlfriends before he accepted that he’s gay, and Pete’s had a pretty rough time of things in the past few years, and he really is Em’s favorite cousin, so Emerson figures he can let Pete enjoy the, “prove that Emerson’s boyfriend is a big conspiracy theory” thing until about Thanksgiving

But that’s beside the point, and seriously, about the most relevance that Emerson has is being Pete’s cousin and being employed by the FBI’s department of mutant shenanigans

Josie, once upon a time, looked like this goth model who I’ve never seen anywhere else but the face-claim suggestions/resources blog where I found the banner and icons that I used for Josie, back when they were a character in an all-dudeslash RPG because in those days, all-slash games were one of the only ways you could play any characters who weren’t 100% hetero without it being hella mocked and/or hella policed

—unfortunately, said goth model’s name is, “Aaron Gilmore” which makes him impossible to Google because there are a ton of people named, “Aaron Gilmore” and none of them has ever been the one I want, excepting the one of whom very few pictures actually exist

He’s also only good for Josie c. high school and undergrad, and?? idk, I kinda like Ben Whishaw, but I also have reasons why I don’t entirely like him for Josie

Another minor character whose face I know: Nick, who is Seb and Pete’s sponsor and Stephen’s boss, looks like Nathan Lane, and pretty much wandered into my head looking like Nathan Lane as soon as I decided that Seb and Pete’s sponsor existed, his name was Nick, and he has an art gallery

I’m kind of annoyed that I have no freaking clue where to start looking for Stephen’s fancast, but I’m also not surprised because he’s tall, and chubby, and a dork whose favorite colors are hot pink and acid green, and who laughs at his own jokes so much that he cannot finish telling the damn joke, and his Dad is black/white biracial while his Mom is Puerto Rican mestizx, and here we are

There is, to the surprise of absolutely no one, a side-character who looks like Tyler Posey. He… needs to be renamed, because I named him at like three in the morning and only just realized why I felt weird about him being named, “Rafael Delgado” (…because Melissa McCall’s maiden name is Delgado, and Scott’s blobfish-shaped gene donor was named Rafael, oh jeez)

—but anyway, he’s a member of the Wardens, who are “totally not” a middle finger to a lot of my issues with how Marvel has handled the X-Men over the years, and he teaches music at their attached school for “the gifted”

This wasn’t the first time that I did something like this, either.

For example: Pete has an ex-boyfriend, who is very much an, “I could replace him with an interesting lamp and it would be essentially the same”-level character. I named him Wade, first as a placeholder, and then I liked it so it stuck but something felt a little off about it

It took me about a month to remember that Spidey*pool is a Thing, and their civvies names are Peter and Wade, respectively, and ohhhhh, that’s why it felt weird…… well, shit. (Interesting Lamp Ex-Boyfriend has since been renamed Blake)

I also have “fancasts” for all of Sebastian’s dogs (Lola, Achilles, Angel, Oscar, Renly, Chewie, Toby, Biscuit, and Cat) and for Nick’s cat (Ms. Dorothy), but that literally just means, “I decided what breed I wanted Ms. Dorothy and Seb’s dogs to be, I went on Google Image Search, and I found the ones I liked the best, yay cute animals”

#nonny #ask box tag #that story with the mutants that i should find a working title for fml #*casually fancasts my own oc's because why not*#mine: writing #mine: asks #longish post//#Anonymous #sebastian moncrieff: mutant disaster #pete arden: dramatic disaster #margot gabriel: chainsmoking disaster #todd burroughs: art film disaster #lucy murphy: hemokinetic disaster #sara grace kelley #stephen gardener: precious disaster #josie quinn: empath disaster

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havsgast · 8 years

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idk some random thoughts about my early teenage years/relation to my parents under the cut

dates are not my strong side because i always refer to 2012 or 2007 when i tell stories, so this is not gonna be time accurate or anything

i don’t share dad with my brothers - their dad is 11 yrs older than mum and had been in my life since i was 1. but his and mum’s relationship was not good after my youngest brother was born (in 2003).

my former step-dad had to be called on the house phone when it was dinner, and he still missed it. he was jobless, and spent his days locked inside his office, barely dressed and on the computer. i have a horrible memory of seeing him naked once because he had forgotten a towel, and he was standing up in the bathtub when i brought it to him.

anyway i don’t wanna talk about him. he makes me uncomfortable. there’s a children’s song that he used to sing so often that it triggers me when i hear it.

point is that when i was ~12 he and mum got a divorce and it was really ugly. it was so ugly, and me being the only kid that did not have to live in that situation, was forced to live with my dad after a while, first only weekends and then during the weeks as well.

then 7th grade came, and the aftermath of the divorce was ugly, and most of my friends changed schools, and i was still at dad a lot, but mum had gotten a boyfriend whose leg was burned and that had a daughter

i made a new friend in my class, but we were not really alike. she liked sports and wanted to go into the military. one of the things we did together was to basically go onto omegle and play catfish. she helped dress me up - because she didn’t want to be in front of the camera - and while the people we talked to were disgusting, i thrived on the comments. we got a joint msn to continue talking to people for fun.

and i just went downward from there. my home life was a mess, mum dealing with her horrible ex-husband, and how it affected my brothers, and herself, and her boyfriend who had a bit of a mess of his own.

so obviously i wanted attention and found an easy way to get it. overweight teenage girls, what an easy bait for old men.

i’m not gonna get into that because it makes me feel disgusting.

anyway so my mental health obviously sucked as well. 7th and 8th grade were not good for me. it’s a wonder that i didn’t fail PE one year, because I literally didn’t go to a single class. but enough about my grades - there were bigger problems. when my mental health goes bad, i start throwing up. can’t keep anything down. so i slowly stopped eating. it was not an eating disorder, it was just me being sick of being unable to eat.

i’m just gonna summarise 7th-9th grade a bit

bad mental health. had to go talk to a person because mum thought her divorce was affecting me, and well, it was. threw up a lot. went vegetarian actually, though it was hard to keep up at home. got my first girlfriend during 9th grade, fun that. but the most important thing is that i had my mum’s boyfriend pick me up from my dad’s because i just couldn’t be there any more

it was after that - because i was suicidal and realised that i needed help - that i showed mum a blog post i had written about the messed up things i had done for attention. by that point i had deleted the msn and i think the webcam was broken.

mum cried and i cried and i had my hair dyed black back then and it was horrible and i didn’t have a single name to give the police

so mum started sending my brothers to a foster family on weekends to get more time with me, and we started going to the children psychiatry because i was a suicidal mess who couldn’t keep down food

the greatest betrayal ever was when mum printed out that blog post and let my dad read it, and i will always hate her for that, because it was my story to tell and i did not want my dad to know - i did not want contact with him

the point is - because i do have one - that as we were meeting psychiatrists for my sake, my dad was also there, and he suggested that they test me for asperger because i hadn’t been very social when i was at his place. lil teenage me was so insulted, and mum only wanted my best, so we said no and stopped going to bup as it was called. i obviously hated bup with my everything at that time of my life.

then fastforward to my relationship of mum in my later teens/as an adult

she regrets not having me tested back then. she blames my genderfluidity on autism. she thinks i’m bipolar, but when i have emotional responses she doesn’t agree with, she calls me childish. she has gotten upset with me for my anxiety, and still called me brave for talking about it in front of my class.

and she loves to make comments like “it’s so obvious that you’re autistic” when i take certain things literally. she seem to think that because my brother and her new husband and her best friend all have asperger, she’s some kind of expert.

not to mention that she don’t believe in asexuality or relationships without sexual attraction or that long distance relationships can work (i’ve only ever had long distance relationships), or that she’s a racist transphobe. i’m not sure she even remembers that i’m not straight.

so yeah.

this is kinda why i’m trying to enforce positive thinking along “new year, new me”

because i’m done dealing with the remains of my past, and i’m tired of being seen as possible diagnoses instead of a person by my own mother

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iestynnicely · 5 years

Text

How Were You Told the Facts of Life?

Listening at the window during my Metrodeco Brighton show was a superfluity of nuns.

One glided up at curtain down and asked if I would sing at a convent charity evening.

I said, of course, sister.

The nun nodded. "Bless you. But just to correct you: not sister - but Mother Superior."

She wondered about the spoken material in my show, in case we might include some of it on the night?

I said I had been asking people how they had been told the facts of life...

Bernard, 72

My sister read about Dutch caps. We looked at Old Masters paintings and wondered how having those funny big white hats on their heads would stop women getting pregnant.

Susan, 46

At school we were told, "Your body is a temple of the Holy Ghost" before being shown a public information film which made us all scream "Yuk". Our biology teacher threatened to put on again Root Canal: The Musical.

Raymond, 51

With the individual sperms themselves being so microscopic, I thought you wouldn't feel then being ejaculated and wouldn't know when to break off with the intercourse. My physics teacher explained the emission process was pump-action and virtually impossible to ignore.

Which has very much proved to be the case, I've found.

Cassie, 19

My eleven-year-old twin sisters' head of year asked if they could be told at home about periods - definitely - and the facts of life, if possible. Mum talked to them separately. Milly had hysterics at the whole idea of periods and when mum tried to tell her the facts of life, stuck her fingers in her ears and sang One Direction. Carolina said periods sounded a bit drastic. She listened in silence to the facts of life, then said that she hadn't quite got it, so maybe when mummy and daddy next had a go at that she could watch?

Marion, 62

My mother said the sexual act was something I should use. I should flaunt the potential of a man getting it from me. I should manipulate. I should cajole. I should go so far and no further. I could be voluptuous. Flagrant; bestial.

I said, "Yes, thank you, but what about the act itself?"

She said, "What do I think I am, a bloody biology teacher?"

Mikey, 29

At fourteen, my dad warned me off booze and drugs and told me where the condoms were. He later asked me to stop traumatising my autistic younger brother by inflating the condoms into limbless Godzillas.

Trudy, 71

I was told not to worry when I started periods because even the Queen and Princess Margaret had the same. When we had whooping cough, we were taken down the livestock market for the benefit of the cows' sweat. If ever a bull mounted a cow, we were told to look away and remember that we had to keep ourselves pure.

When local girls got pregnant, it was all "she doesn't know how it happened". It made me terrified that even if I stood next to my boyfriend to kiss him goodnight by some mysterious happening I could have a baby. I never sat next to my male cousins at tea, either - always at least place one away or diagonally opposite. And I moved seats when a man sat next to me on the tram. This was when trams were just plain trams. Not like today going from East Croydon to Elmers End by enhanced tram.

Gareth, 42

My uncle pointed to a bull and said, "Bull has cow, cow has calf."

Larissa, 82

Oh, you've been talking to me lovely friend in the John Lewis Food Hall, haven't you? Has he put you onto me? Oh. That's...well, I did think he was my friend. It's always been a bit up and down with him. The other ladies in the Mansions said I was wrong to talk to him so much. Kalia said I didn't even know his name. I did - it was on his badge. Eric. But I'd noticed he did seem to just be staring at me the most recent times I've been shopping. I got so worried and asked him if the ladies - Kalia and the rest of them - were right and I shouldn't have been talking to him all those times? About my health scares. That particular time I was speaking to him I'd just had a particularly serious scare. My breast implants. My fourth husband paid for my breast implants; and he's kept the receipt. Oh, I was anxious. The next time I saw Eric was after I'd been for my consultation regarding my breast implants. I decided not to bother him. He was where he usually is, opposite the tea. I just kept my eyes on the display. And he - oh, I was so happy - he said hello and asked how I was. I gushed. I couldn't help it. Gushed about how relieved I was that he was talking to me, as I'd been so afraid that he had never wanted to, really. He explained that at his age, nineteen, he just felt that he had so little experience in such matters as mine and could offer no advice. I said that he should never have worried himself, the scare about my breast implants was over. I wouldn't need to have them taken out after all - I just needed to have my nipples shifted.

What? So, you weren't speaking to my lovely friend Eric? What was the question again? Ah...well, I was a debutante and lived in the town rather than the country, so knew nothing. If I'd known what my second husband in particular had in store for me, I'd have taken the veil.

Thomas, 76

We used to go to Leicestershire every summer for six weeks and there were chickens.

Sonia, 46

My mother drew a picture of an erect penis and then of something that in no way resembled a vagina and said, "That, goes in there. But only when the people concerned truly love each other." I later found out that she had been asked to give me this talk by Miss Cavendish, my house mistress. I also found out that my mother had told Miss Cavendish how when I watched cartoons I masturbated.

"Except," Miss Cavendish said, "your mother being such the scholar didn't say that you masturbated, but talked of your fetishistic auto-erotic tendencies!"

Sian, 62

My mother caught me masturbating when I was nine and a bit. She dragged me in front of a mirror, made me open my mouth and pointed at my uvula.

"See that thing dangling there at the back of your throat?" she said. "Every time you touch yourself like you were just doing down there, it grows a bit. And a bit more. Until eventually it chokes you."

Sarah, 53

When I was about nine, I started asking mummy. When I was fifteen, she said, "You know when we let Saltash off her lead in Stanley Park that time and that boy dog came ever so close to her and did that funny dance with her? Well, mummies and daddies do that. It's natural and nothing to be ashamed of and might be lovely."

Peter, 72

My mum refused to tell me and told me to ask my nan. I asked nan. She said, "No, sorry, Peter. I never even told your mother or your uncles any of that. If push came to shove we might maybe have taken them to the aquarium."

Fiona, 68

I was told that as soon as the ring went on my finger in the church a baby would begin to grow in my belly.

Francis, 73

When I was fifteen my father said he had something to tell me, took me into the bathroom, went bright red and locked the door. I thought, oh god, he's going to tell me that he's gone bankrupt or that mummy's died. Such a relief when he started squirming his way through telling me the facts of life! I already knew them - we had a gypsy family in the village and I was at school with one of the sons - but I wanted my father to be uncomfortable. I only remember certain details of what he told me, such as him calling the penis your person and describing the inside of the vagina as like the nasal passages when one is suffering from a very bad cold. Oh, and he used the full spermatozoa and said it was like live, bleached tapioca, could I imagine? No, frankly, I couldn't. He ended his talk by saying that if I caught anything it would break my mother's heart. "And homosexuality is just silly."

I didn't get to tell the Mother Superior any of the above. I mentioned the subject of my spoken material, and she interrupted: "How lovely that you will sing for us. But about you going around and asking what you have, can I just say this: God does not want us to overreach ourselves."

#factsoflife life philosophy biology humanbiology

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saddgittariusgrl-blog · 6 years

Text

my past

When I think back over my life, there are a few moments over the last twenty years that stick out to me. My sister being born and being the first person in the entire world to hold her and feed her. Going through a group interview with at least fifteen other people and being one of five to get the job. Finishing statutory education with qualifications and and a bright future. However no matter how much I think about these moments, they have always been overshadowed by my poor mental health. For the last six years I have been struggling with my mental health, but in retrospect I can see the difficulties emerging years earlier.

I wouldn’t say I had an unhappy childhood. I was and still am whole heartedly loved by my parents, they gave me everything they could, even if it meant they went without. It would be extremely cliche to put my mental health problems down to my parents so i’m not going to do that, but they aren’t completely blameless for the way I have turned out. My parents were 19 and 23 when I was born, over the years and as i’ve got older I’ve learned more and more about their early relationship, which i now know wasn’t long at all before I came along. My parent’s had been together for less than six months before my mom was pregnant with me, which ultimately would mean they’re now stuck together.

Growing up in an unstable home has definitely affected me more than I care to admit. When I was young my parents struggled a lot, emotionally and financially. My dad was in the middle of his own depressive episode and was struggling with a gambling addiction, leaving my 19 year old mom practically raising a new born baby alone. I think now that as a child I must have absorbed some of their problems and their fighting and I think it’s stayed with me since. If i think really hard about it, I don’t think they are two people who should be together, but they stayed together for my sake and have been ever since. Living in a household with parents who are very clearly unhappy has definitely altered my view of what a normal good relationship should be and how partners should be around each other. In my eyes it was normal for parents to shout and scream at each other and for one to storm out and return home hours later.

All that being said, I still feel completely loved by my parents, and that adds even more to the guilt I carried around for so long that I was the reason that they were unhappy, if they hadn’t of had me they would be completely different people now, living different and probably happier lives with other people. I was the glue that was holding these two people together that clearly don’t want to be.

I don’t blame my parents for my mental health struggles, but I do think they laid the foundations for my difficulties to begin and grow in to what they were. I massively believe I have a genetic predisposition for depression and anxiety, as it features heavily in my dad’s side of the family.

School was always fine for me, primary school that is. Everybody knew everybody and things just happily went along, secondary school was a very different experience for me. It was so completely overwhelming and I was terrified. I never bothered to make new friends, rather staying with my friends from primary school that had came here with me. This worked fine until we drifted apart as we got older and i ended up with nobody. I was bullied in the earlier years of school, from things such as the music that i listened to and how I looked and dressed, and my weight was a topic of discussion. I have always been very slim, and people used that to make comments about how small I was and if i was anorexic and i should ‘just go and eat’ and I was constantly self conscious and uncomfortable. There were rumours about me going round about doing this and that with different boys which were all untrue, but it filled me with anxiety every day.

I decided to access my school’s student support and after speaking with a mentor for a few weeks, they referred me to be assessed for Autistic Spectrum Disorder. I spend around 4 hours there going through the assessment and talking to psychologists and doing tests, and I found out that day I am autistic. I was 14. I had just been told that everything that I had thought about myself for 14 years was untrue, I wasn’t just shy and quiet, I had a real neurological disorder and this was the reason for these things. After the assessment, that was that. No support from the clinic and student support couldn’t maintain the level of support i needed from a mentor. In that time I had never felt so alone in my life up until that point. How was i supposed to deal with this information at 14? I did eventually access the ELC centre at my school and I was given a specific mentor who works with autistic children and this support massively helped me come to terms with my diagnosis. Before I had come to terms with it, I was in a constant low mood, every single day because I was so confused with what was happening and how it effected me, it was crushing to not know who i was anymore. The support from ELC and my mentor helped me continue through school, I wouldn’t have been able to sit my GCSE’s otherwise.

When I was 14 I met George. He was the first boy that had ever paid attention to me, he said all the lovely things i wanted to hear and he made me feel good about myself, he cared about things I had to say and was there for me when things were difficult. He was 16, turning 17. In hindsight the age gap between us then makes me uncomfortable. I saw him everyday, we spent break and lunch together in school, I’d be at his every day after school, he very quickly became my entire world, he was the be all and end all of my day. Things stayed like this for nearly 3 years. But over those 3 years, he became a very different person to the one I loved. It was 4 days after my 15th birthday he pressured me into having sex with him. I didn’t feel like I could say no as i’d ‘promised’ i’d do it. Over time, the person he was that was lovely to me and listened and cared slowly disappeared and turned into a manipulative and nasty person. The word compromise didn’t exist to him, it was his way or the high way. He made me leave at 7pm every night and I could never sleep over for the first year and a half. When i did sleep over, he made me leave at 1 in the afternoon because i’d had ‘extra time’. He started being more and more private, never telling me what he was doing or who he was seeing, I still to this day have no idea where he wold go on nights out or who with, he’d just say he was going to town. He had a very short tempter and would shout at me all the time. I remember one time I needed to unplug something to make space for a laptop character, I accidentally unplugged the TV while he was watching something and he went crazy, shouting in my face and calling me every name under the sun, I was useless and i couldn’t do anything right, and he sit there and let me cry for over an hour. I would be in the passenger seat of his car and he would sit there and berate me, he would go into detail about how I was ruining his life and making him miserable, this was all my fault. Whenever I would call him out on his behaviour, he would just tell me to leave him, or ‘find another boyfriend’ But i couldn’t do that, I couldn’t leave him. He was my entire life and everything revolved around him. He knew that, he knew i wouldn’t leave and he got away with doing this to me for such a long time. There are no photos of me on my 17th birthday because he made me cry so much my eyes were swollen. I lost my teenage years to this monster, he took them from me and I felt I could never get them back.

Out of the blue one day he told me we needed to talk, he wanted to go on a two week break. He didn’t give me any reason, he just wanted the break. I later found out on this break he’d been speaking to a girl I vaguely knew, slagging me off and telling her that we were over and had been for a long time. He was planning on getting with her at a party. He left me hanging for 2 weeks not knowing if the man who was my life for nearly 3 years was coming back. When it was finally over, he refused to come and give me the things I had at his house for a month, he left me hanging on to him for a month after it was over so i was unable to move on with my life.

The summer of that year was when my problems with my mental health struggles really levelled up. I had been with this boy for nearly 3 years, I didn’t know how to be alone anymore. Any hobbies that I used to have weren’t there anymore, so I turned to what i had known for so long. Men.

I’d downloaded tinder with the intention of just using men the way that I had been used, but it quickly spiralled out of control and it was all I was doing, I’d have about 5 or so people on the go at once, all I was concerned with was being free and being with as many people as I could. I can’t remember the exact amount of men i’ve met from Tinder even now, but I know every person I have been with since this time, was from Tinder. I would meet up with people I’d known for a few months, I’d sleep with them as if it was going to make me feel better, but all it ever did was make things worse. I’d tricked myself into thinking I could have no strings attached sex but I never could.

This is around the time I met Joe. We met on Tinder, we became really good friends over this summer, It was a few meet ups before we had sex which I hadn’t done before, he promised to see me before he moved back to university, but he didn’t and he left without saying goodbye. I wish I would have left it there and never spoken to him again but as I will come to it, he comes back.

At this point in the summer i had no regard for myself or my own safety. I agreed to go to a house party of a friend from school, someone I had known for years. When i arrived it was no party, it was just him and one other person, but who cares? I know them. We drank and drank and at no point did I make my own drink, every time my glass was empty they would be filling it up until I was so hammered, I could barely even stand up. Rather than try and get home in this state, I decided to stay there and go home in the morning. At this point, they started doing coke. They offered it to me, and I decided to do it. This moment still haunts me because I should never have done that. I was completely out of my mind, drunk and now high. I remember at about 4 I’m starting to feel like I need to sleep, so i go upstairs to lie down and try and sleep a little. I didn’t really fall asleep but I was in and out of it. I woke up in the night to find my friend, someone i’d known for over 5 years, taking off my trousers and underwear, and putting his face between my legs. I remember lying there in dead silence, laying completely still. I had no idea what to do, do I move or say something? I was terrified, so i laid still. After about 10 minutes or so I could feel he moving around and rather waiting for what he might do next, i moved a little like i was rolling in my sleep, it must have put him off and he left. I left at 8 the next morning and have never spoken to him again, and never told any adult what had happened to me.

After this I meet Tom, he seems different, he was genuinely my type and I was attracted to him for more than just easy casual sex. We spoke for months before I met him and when he did meet, it was so completely natural and I felt so comfortable. Over the course of a couple months we met up more, we had sex, but we went on dates and did other things together, he came to birmingham and he came to my house. We made it official in March, I felt like this was going to be different than George. We lasted a month. I was crushed once again, because he as the first person since George that I completely trusted and shared things with, and I felt like i’d lost my best friend. We continued an on/off relationship for the best part of a year, periodically meeting up and having sex. In hindsight I know now that I was doing this as a way to just keep him in my life. I think even if i didn’t want to have sex with him, I still would. Sex is the easier way to get them to stay. I would always think that if i had sex with them and they stayed around, eventually they would get real feelings for me and stay for good. Me and Tom are still friends now after lots of figuring out our relationship and where we stand with eachother. I am grateful to still have a friend around who know’s exactly what i’ve been through because he was there while it was happening and can help me look back and identify my problems.

Even though most of my relationship problems are from romantic relationships, I’ve also had my problems with platonic relationships. I’d never really had a true best friend until I met Chelsea. We were everything best friends should be, we spent all the time together and we shared everything with each other, there was no secrets between us and nothing we didn’t know about each other. When she left to go to uni I was heartbroken, I remember crying when she left and she cried too, we were on the phone to each other all the time and she was really homesick and I was there for her. When she went back for second year, things were different. We didn’t really talk much and when we did it was awkward. When had a gig booked and It was a really weird atmosphere the whole time until we went outside and she told me that she didn’t want to be in the friendship anymore, it was different and he was upset because of it. We parted ways that night and didn’t speak again for over a year. I think at the time I never really allowed myself to feel sad about us not being friends, I went home that night and carried on as if nothing happened, I left our group chat and never spoke to any of them again. I was more angry than upset but i brushed it under the carpet that it was fine. She was my platonic soulmate and It hurt me more than I ever showed when she left me. Over a year later I run into her at a gig, It was such a weird feeling, for the first time i allowed myself to be upset about what happened. We hugged and I cried and I walked away. That night I lay in bed with Joe and cried and cried about what happened, What i had been holding in for over a year and i finally had let it out, friends can break your heart too.

After Tom, was Joe.

I can whole heartedly say, Joe was the worst thing to ever happen to me. When we met again when he returned from university, he knew about everything that had happened. He knew I was vulnerable, he’s always knew that. It started out great, he was so lovely to me, he would make time to come and see me, we went to gigs together and shopping and go for drinks. It was almost like the fairytale I wanted. When he asked me to be his girlfriend, I was unbelievably happy. I’d wanted this for so long and it was finally happening! He would always be talking to him, calling me and face timing me as he was in Aber at this point. May that year, I find out he’s cheating on me. I remember that night like it was yesterday. I get the typical ‘Are you Joe Gray’s Girlfriend?” message and I knew exactly whats coming. He’s been sleeping with a girl at uni, not even just once, several times, and they had more planned. I was sent all the screenshots of him talking about what they were doing together and slagging me off, denying out relationship when she found out about him. I have never felt so crushed in my entire life, I had just watched everything i’d built up fall apart around me. I should have left at this point. For some reason, I decided to stay with him. Probably because it was easier than leaving and being alone. I had such low self esteem I would rather stay with someone who has done this to me than leave and be alone. We did break up for a week, but we got back together, he’d convinced me that he would change, and then we had sex. On the surface, things were good. I saw him frequently, we did things together and I was a real part of his life, but deep down, It was extremely toxic. He would humiliate me every change he got, in front of his family and friends. He would use me for my money, I would pay for everything, i can’t even put a number on how much i spent on him. I never fully trusted him again after cheating on me. I was constantly paranoid what he was doing or who he was with. I’d seen messages of him telling his friend about how fit the girls at work are. I was more anxiety and paranoia than a person. When we argued, we argued, all or nothing. He would take all of his anger and stress out on me, he would constantly block and unblock me, he called me every name he could and make me feel so bad about myself. He told me his family didn’t like me, his mom wanted us to break up. I was a parasite, sucking the life out of him. I was weak because I’d let him cheat on me. At one point, he tried to physically throw me out. He packed up all of my things and put them in bags and at the door, ready to throw me out over an argument. Even with all of this happening, he was still my whole world. I was at his beck and call, whatever he wanted I did, I was there for him whenever he needed it. Sex whenever he wanted, and if i didn’t want to he would nag until we did. He began to drink heavily, coming home all the time drunk, staying late at work every night to drink, then he would come home and berate me for being a killjoy and ruining his fun. I was his maid. I cooked for him, cleaned for him, did everything for him, without as much as a thank you. I had given absolutely everything I had to him, to the point there was nothing left for myself.

Because of this relationship, everything else suffered. Once again I had strained relationships with my family and my friends, I was completely chaotic in my emotions and I was a mess at work. I’ve had more breakdowns in my office than I can count. I couldn’t hold down an emotion for 5 minutes before I was in some anxiety driven panicked state. I almost lost my job over this. He made me into this neurotic, chaotic person that I was constantly on edge and anxious. I have never felt so bad about myself in my life, everything was my fault, every argument we had was my fault. Even when he would do things that hurt me and i’d speak up about it, he would gaslight me and I would end up apologising for things I did. I wasn’t even a person anymore, I was just there for Joe. In hindsight, it disgusts me.

He broke up with me just after christmas, he’d been quite distant and he’d got me a face toner as my gift, that’s it. When i went to get my things he wasn’t even going to be there at first until I pretty much forced him to. He was gathering my things for me like he couldn’t wait for me to leave. He left me on his doorstep with my things in a bag, crying my eyes out, and he walked away and shut and locked the door on me. It was only about 2 weeks after the break up i found out he already had a new girlfriend. I am completely sure he was talking to her while we were together, it wouldn’t surprise me at all. I tried to warn her what he was like and what he will do to her, I had screenshots of him being disgusting and she chose to ignore me, I couldn’t save her. I saw a post on valentines day about how this was the happiest he’s been in a long time. It’s like every time he speaks it’s another dagger right in my heart and It hurt so fucking much. I had told myself i was over it and I believe that I am but seeing him move on so quickly when only a few weeks before he was telling me about how we wanted to spend his life with me and we have a future together, and then for him to be with someone else already, it really fucking hurt.

Going through two toxic relationships and bad break ups was finally the wake up call I needed to grow a back bone and stand up for myself. I refuse to ever depend on a man for my own happiness again, as long as I love me, that’s all that matters.

#me #writing #my writing #relationships #toxic relationships #emotional abuse #mental health #recovery

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