#but also I'm scared to reply to text posts now cause the one time that one got fuckin BLASTED TO SMITHEREENS LMFAO

[deoidesign]

[undercoverpena]

fic author self rec

When you get this, reply with your favourite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love ❤

tagged by the lovely @wildemaven

[jo note: for this, i've based this entirely of what I've had the most fun working on and what i'm super proud of when looking back on 2023]

✨ late night texts

JAVIER PEÑA

anyone shocked this is here? no, me either. but this little number not only became a favourite for me instantly, but it seems to have done for so many others. the fact i think about them all the time, and have to sorta stop myself from returning to them too often (cause, like, i don't wanna ruin what we all have, you know?). their romance replays in my mind constantly and i adore them with all of my heart.

✨ the book of love

FRANKIE MORALES

this fic all started because of both my love for this man and books, and honestly, i think of it all the time. it was so effortless and fun to write, and it was my first time writing frankie (so i was nervous as fuck) but i had the best time. and i loveeee a meet cute. i want to return back to this pairing one time, because i have a follow-up idea.

✨ be good, be quiet

JOEL MILLER

so, i had this idea and i ran with it, and this is what was born. and anyone who knows me really well, KNOWS that joel is someone i second guess myself over constantly. but with this, i didn't. not once. and i loved it. from writing, to sharing, to posting. it was an experience i hadn't had with him, and i'm so happy i cracked my feelings in this. plus, fingers in your mouth was a new one for me, and i loved it.

✨ can you ever really know

MARCUS PIKE

my first dance into marcus, and ofc i had to be extreme and do bloody eating out on a table. but, i loved writing this. i loved how it turned out. and it's when i first felt comfortable exploring this smuttier side of me, and feeling no shame. and that for me automatically puts it on this list.

✨ a broken sight

JAVIER PEÑA

okay, so technically, fun might not be the best word for this. BUT, i found this so therapeutic. the night before i wrote/posted this, my garden was broken into, and i had to be alone the morning after due to h's work commitments. and, this was the only way i could come to terms with what happened. it fell out of me, and i'm so grateful every day that i have writing and that i can share these sort of things with you all, cause it helped, massively.

no one else did this, but i'm a tiny rule breaker ;) but here's some honourable mentions of 2023 (because i know i don't compliment myself enough, so here we go):

nowhere to run -> you were a challenge, but i'm so glad i began you, and that you're loved by those who do find you (when i don't bury you) i like the way you -> i had so much fun writing this, and honestly it would be sixth on this list. but it's also so recent i finished it, i know my love will only grow for it too. unwrap me now -> birthday sex in a bathroom? sign me up, again. if not for the fact i was shit scared about posting this, it deffo would have made the list further up.

there are so many others, honestly. i could keep going on about what i loved about each fic (pls don't ask, cause i will without any hesitancy) but, i will stop there... for now hahahah.

npts: @thetriumphantpanda @hellishjoel @goodwithcheese @swiftispunk @secretelephanttattoo @morallyinept

[1julak1]

Fortuitous pt. 1

Sanemi cosplayer x fem!reader

_____________________________

Word count: 1.5k

Notes: So, I'll be completely honest - I have no idea what i'm doing there and why. The idea just popped in my head - as something i'd like to do, haha - but then i thought of making a story out of it. So! I want to say - this is not a typical fanfiction with Sanemi, it's about reader with a cosplayer!

Enjoy!

Since her childhood years, YN has been always viewed as a normal, sweet, intelligent girl. Everybody, always, has been jealous of her knowledge, grades, judged her every move and pointed out smallest mistakes.

But yes, YN has always been a normal girl.

Going into her teenage years, she had plans - ambitions, big hopes for the future, aiming for college and a good middle school to get her ready info further life.

But when she actually got accepted into her new school, she didn't realise how much of a mistake it would actually be.

The first year was going quite well, nothing seemed to be foreshadowing the nightmare that her school days would become. But as YN's best friend - only true friend in class she had - changed schools. Gradually, YN has dropped her grades, and started closing up from others.

Going into second year, her life became an absolute nightmare. Scared of talking to people, teachers, ditching school, getting authorities over her head - it seemed like NOTHING was going well anymore.

Her cousin enraged her, also. She never had perfect relationship with her, but what made her most furious was their conversation weeks ago.

°°°

Why do you even want to switch schools?? With your attitude, you're always going to complain about anything. Everything's going to be the same whatever you do. <

YN gazed at the message, her mind flaring with anger.

The next messages her cousin sent were just self-centered yapping about how she struggled with her own work, her colleagues, her situation, her mood, her feelings - her, her, her, her. Not even once has she thought of YN's feelings. The fact she may not be in total control of the things going on in her life.

> Go fuck yourself

YN texted back, seething the same words trough her gritted teeth.

Since then, she understood that she doesn't want to have anything to do with that bitch.

°°°

YN was scrolling trough Instagram - once again ignoring the fact she should study - and noticed a quite pretty post. A cosplay of her favorite character.

Oh, right! Because there was an obsession YN had. It was Sanemi Shinazugawa - a character of her all time favorite anime.

- Fucking hot.. it would be lucky to have someone cosplay him for me.. -

She stared at the pic for a moment with a blank expression on her face. And then she blinked, because then it clicked.

Usually YN overthinked everything she did - but not this time. She texted the man without hesitation.

> I've got a deal for you???

And then she waited.

Regretted her decision.

Then waited, waited, waited.

It was agonizing, almost. The hope of the man texting back was slowly fading, replaced by a shame caused by her doing. She was so taken over by this revelation that she dreamed of it, until one day, finally, she woke up to a reply.

What kind of deal?? <

Oh now THAT was the moment for action.

Seeing he was active, she carefully chose a reply.

> I'll pay you to cosplay Sanemi for me

Oh now that's new. If you want a pic with me, i won't make you pay. I suppose you live nearby??? <

The girl's face heated up at his words. From embarrassment, but also because he would be willing to take a picture with her for free. But that wasn't what she wanted.

> No, i don't want a picture. I'll pay you, for pretending to be my boyfriend.

He read that. He's seen that.

Silence.

And do I get to be a lil touchy 😏 <

> I'll cut your salary in half

Worth it <

> Is that a yes??

Let's say so. Where do i meet you up, princess? <

> In front of my school tomorrow, 7.50. I'll send you the adress later

YN felt like she needed a cold shower to take that news. And so, she went to the bathroom and spend nearly an hour there, nearly dying from excitement.

Then it was time to tuck herself to bed, to the thoughts of having a.. new boyfriend???

°°°

The next day, YN was waiting for her "boyfriend" in front of the school. And just when she was about to give up to her anxiousness and get inside the building, somebody grabbed her by the hips and she was pulled against a firm chest.

- Hey, princess~! Not like i stalked your profile, but i did stalk your profile. You're looking even cuter in real life than those silly pictures -

- W-WHAT?!! -

YN was so startled, she almost pushed her elbow into the guy's face.

- Are you insane?? Stop attacking, immediately! -

Just in case not to get murdered, the guy let go of her and stepped aside.

And when YN looked up she was even more startled than before. The guy was towering above her, at least a head taller than her. His hair were white, and he had this makeup indicating those iconic scars on his face. He was wearing a simple white button up shirt - with a few top buttons left undone - and black pants that were tight around his waist.

- I-is that a wig..? -

The guy's face expression softened as a chuckle left his lips. She didn't miss the fact that he had purple contacts.

- Oh? No, i dyed them this way. -

He put a hand over her shoulder, bringing her a tiny bit closer to himself.

- You wanted me to be your boyfriend, why so silent now?? Do you not love me?? -

He pouted, enjoying the teasing. YN huffed, grabbing a fistful of his shirt and pulling him after her.

- Let's just get inside -

They didn't exchange a word while walking, but he changed their position, so that now their hands were entwined together.

As they walked down the hallway, some people who knew YN were eyeing her - and she, deep down, swelled with pride.

°°°

YN had to be honest. Having a man like that walking around with her for the whole day, like a puppy, was satisfying. Her lovely "Sanemi" was all smiley - a little out of character - and his acting skills were perfect. He had no problems with playing pretend, as if he and YN knew themselves for a longer time than just those few hours.

- Wait. What even is your name? -

YN spoke about that matter after the first lesson, when she realised she never asked him this - and there were no informations about it on his profile.

- Oh fuck, right, i never told you. I'm loosing my head here with you, see? -

He let our a chuckle and brushed a hand trough his white hair.

- My name's Aiden. But you can just call me Sanemi, you know. That's what i just am for you, right? -

YN raised her eyebrow questionably.

- You sound pretentious -

- Huh?? No offense. You're just oversensitive -

The girl didn't like his response at all, but decided to just wave it off.

For the rest of the day, she had a loyal puppet running around her like he was over the moon with her.

Maybe he was?

Or what's more possible, he just wanted to be worth the money.

What YN noticed, and wasn't against, was for sure, how touchy he was getting. Seems like his message wasn't just a joke and he really was taking the opportunity. Though they knew each other for like... Max 9 hours, YN didn't complain. It would probably be the only time a man would be touching her anyways.

After school, it was time to pay him off. Aiden got dragged out of the school by his "girlfriend" - while he talked with the friends he apparently made - and when YN made sure they were far enough from familiar people, stuck a bunch of bills into his hand.

- Isn't it too much? -

His purple contacts pierced trough her as his confused face expression almost made her giggle.

- I'm paying in advance -

Her explanation was fairly brief, but Aiden didn't comment it. The thing that surprised him was how she just chose to ignore him as she quickly walked down the street.

The girl jolted in surprise as she felt her hand being grabbed.

- Why are you running away from me? Let me just walk you home -

The white haired man spoke, taking YN's silence as an agreement. When they stood in the door to her house, he did so much as to lean down, kiss her cheek and smile before walking away with a little wave.

- See you tomorrow! -

YN was too stunned to answer to his words, as she stared at him before he disappeared around the corner.

°°°

When she laid in bed, the only thing she could think about were his hands over her, the WHOLE day. She knew she shouldn't, but she felt a tiny squeeze in her heart anytime she recalled how his hands would squeeze her waist or hold onto her own.

And so, even though he wasn't hers, it seemed that YN's "boyfriend" would be what pulls her out of the cage of her own misery.

[slutforstabbings-archive]

Clean Again

Chapter 5: THE LONG LIST read on AO3 | previous chapter | tumblr chapter index make sure to check AO3 for this fic's playlist and other extras!

Corey comes to fix Reader's sewing machine.

general warnings for this fic - angst, fluff, eventual smut (MDNI), canon-typical violence, canon-typical gore contents/warnings for this chapter - alcohol consumption, stalking

4,237 words

@rebel-blue @heartrot666 @wolvesandvampires @cordelium @toxicanonymity @multifandom--mess @hersweetrevenge @futurewife @yllcm @ethanhoewke dm me or reply to this post to be added to the list💕

You stand in the living room, slowly rotating in a circle. Evaluating. Your eye lands on a candle and you lunge forward to light it. Then you step back and think. Too romantic. You blow it out. Another thought occurs to you and you run to the bathroom. You tear down the hand towel on the bar over the counter and stuff a new one into it. You tidy the bunched up fabric, but not too much. The kitchen! You sprint to the sink and dump out the mesh trap you keep in the drain. You dash back to the bathroom and apply a spritz of perfume down the inside of your shirt.

Corey’s coming over tonight.

Yesterday Veronica asked you to meet up for coffee before work. You arrived at the cafe across from the record store and found her at a little table on the patio. Before you could even pull a chair out to sit down, she was demanding information. All you had texted her on Monday night was a message mimicking hers.

“Oh my god, spill!” She exclaimed excitedly. 

“He’s gonna fix my sewing machine.” You said with a laugh.

“What does that mean?” Veronica gave you an exaggerated scandalized look.

“My literal sewing machine. It’s been jammed for weeks. I can’t figure it out. But he’s a mechanic or something? I’m not really sure, but he knows machine things and he’s coming over tomorrow to fix it.”

“That’s your first date?” She said, amused.

“Well, I’m also gonna make him dinner.”

“Oh my god, cooking on the first date? You slut!” Veronica slapped your hand playfully and you both laughed. “What are you making him?”

“I don’t know yet! He said anything is fine except spaghetti. I wanna pick something kinda simple cause I know I’m gonna be super nervous. I gotta look at what I have in the house.”

“So how did the conversation go? How did you wind up asking him to fix your sewing machine?”

“The first time I saw him was in the like, technical hobby aisle. I was getting books about sewing machine maintenance because I thought I could figure it out on my own. I haven't gotten anywhere 'cause I keep getting scared I'm just gonna irreparably fuck the machine if I do it on my own. I saw him on that aisle again and I just said ‘Do you know anything about sewing machines?’” She didn't need to know you'd chased after him, even if you kind of felt like he'd wanted you to. You know she would not approve.

“Your opening line was ‘Do you know anything about sewing machines?’” She asked, incredulous. You nodded your head. “I cannot believe that worked.”

“Me neither,” you admitted.

“He’s a mechanic or something? That’s sexy.”

“Yeah,” you squeaked, covering your face.

“Mr. Library, the sexy mechanic. You’ll have to let me know how it goes.”

“Of course!” You reassured her. “Actually, I was planning to text you like, right before he gets there and after he leaves, like, for safety.”

“You fucking better, or I will come over there, guns blazing,” Veronica said. “What’s his name?”

“Corey.”

“Corey,” Veronica purred. The two of you burst into giggles like you used to in the back of class in high school. 

You stand in front of the mirror on your dresser now, putting earrings in and taking them out. You want to look put together, like you tried, like you care. You also don’t want to go overboard. He’s just going to be fixing your sewing machine. But it’s more than just fixing your sewing machine. You haven’t been on any dates since you broke things off with Hurley. You’re already so infatuated with Corey it scares you. You just want things to go well. You’re not sure you can handle it if they don’t. 

You go back out into the rest of the apartment, making sure it’s clean in the right way. Tidy without being sterile or stuffy. You pull the blanket down off the back of the couch, then toss it back up, so it doesn’t look so manicured. You flip through your records, looking for something to play, or at least to put on your little easel so it looked like you had been listening to it. You don’t know what kind of music he likes, so it seems fruitless. 

It doesn’t matter now anyway. You can hear someone walking up the gravel path. He’s here. You text Veronica, hitting send just as there’s a knock on the door.

You open the door and you’re instantly taken aback by his beauty, the same way you were the first time you saw him. He looks great. He’s dressed in the simple way it seems like he always is, but it suits him so well, and you’ve never seen him in a sweater before. The way it hangs off his broad, round shoulders entices you to wonder about his body, so you look up at his face instead. His eyes, surrounded by halos of lashes, his pillowy lips. You feel your chest flushing.

“Come in, make yourself at home. You can take your shoes off if you want, or whatever you’re comfortable with,” you say, stepping behind the door to let him in.

“Oh, thanks,” he says. His work boots clatter to the wooden floor. You close the door awkwardly behind him.

Your phone goes off extremely loudly. Both of you jump. You had the volume turned up so you could hear if he called or texted while you were preparing for him to come over, but now the sound is deafening.

“Sorry, it’s just my friend checking in. She’s nervous about you coming over, 'cause you could be a serial killer or something.” You try to make a face that indicates it’s a joke, but for a split second he looks at you with something cold and hard in his face, and you remember the fear you felt in the library the first time you made eye contact. The hairs stand up on the back of your neck, but his face is already soft again and you manage a smile. 

“Sewing machine’s in here,” you say as you lead him to the dining room. "I don’t know if you need them but the books I got from the library are right next to it. Can I get you something to drink? I have water, tea, beer…?” Corey just shakes his head and sits down in front of the machine. “Okay, let me know if you need anything. I gotta put the water on for dinner.”

You scamper into the kitchen. You pull out all the pots and pans you’ll need, using the water running into the pot for the pasta to cover the deep breaths you’re taking to try to steady yourself. He said no spaghetti, but that other pasta was fine. But is it fine? Should you make something else? You double check that your phone is on vibrate before sending Veronica another text.

Then you go back into the dining room.   

Corey has a screwdriver kit you didn’t notice him bring in, all different shapes and sizes including ones you've never seen before. He’s already got the machine split down the middle, a neat little pile of screws in the lid of his tool set. You watch him silently for a second. He has one of your reference books open to a diagram you’d tried several times to understand. He shows no signs of confusion. He doesn’t acknowledge that you’ve come back into the room, so you clear your throat quietly. 

“Do you want company or do you need to be alone to focus?” 

Corey waves you over. You grab a dining chair and place it closer to him before sitting down. He glances up at you briefly, then goes back to his work. You sit there with your hands clasped in your lap, watching him. At first you feel super awkward. You still kind of can’t believe this is happening. That you saw him more than once, that asking him to fix your sewing machine worked, that he’s here, in your dining room. But as you watch his skillful hands remove piece after piece, working with quiet determination, you settle down. It feels like the most natural thing in the world. When you hear the water start to boil, you resent having to go back in the kitchen instead of getting to watch him longer. Then you remember what Veronica said yesterday morning.

“Oh my god, cooking on the first date? You slut!” That makes you smile. It is slutty, in its own way, doing something for him that other people might reserve for later in the relationship. Performing an intimate and domestic act for a stranger. You’ve never let a man know where you live without hanging out somewhere else first before, you’ve never had a man in this apartment at all. You’re breaking all your rules for him. It's scary, but the rules didn't protect you last time anyway. Might as well see what happens if you do things differently. 

By the time you have a free moment away from the stove again, Corey is reassembling the machine. There’s a mound of dust and little fabric scraps on the table.

“Is this what was wrong with it?” You indicate the dust bunny, embarrassed.

“Yep,” Corey says simply.

“Damn, I thought I kept it pretty clean,” you say, trying to defend yourself even though Corey doesn’t seem to be judging. 

“It’s the machine’s fault. You can’t clean where I pulled this from without opening the whole thing up. Bad design.” He shrugs.

“Oh. Thanks for fixing it.” You sweep the dust bunny into your hand and drop it into the trash can. “Dinner’s almost ready.”

“It smells good,” he says quietly.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Riding here, the road rumbling under him, Corey tried to prepare himself for your questions. He knew you would want to try to get to know him. When the guys at work ask questions about his life, he gives half answers if they're persistent. If they seem like they would let it go, he just grunts. No one can find plot holes in the revised version of his life if he never shares it with anyone. But he knew that wouldn’t work with you. And if he was going to do this, whatever this was, he had to let you in, at least a little.

He was grateful you seemed happy to watch him work on the sewing machine in relative silence. Being able to do something with his hands helped him calm down. But now that diner is on the table, it’s time to talk, and his anxiety creeps up on him. He tries to push it down with the beer you brought him. Your cooking is surprisingly delicious. He regrets being too uncomfortable to really enjoy it. Hopefully next time, he catches himself thinking. If there is a next time.

“So you’re a car mechanic? Or are you like, an appliance mechanic? It wasn’t clear the other day.” 

“Both,” he takes the beer bottle from his lips to say. “I work at a garage, and I repair old electronics and appliances to sell just for myself. You mend clothes?”

“Oh that’s my little side business. I also work at Plymouth Records, downtown. The mechanic thing is so cool. How did you get into that?”

It’s gonna be a long night, Corey thinks, wanting to do this to be close to you, but already feeling the wear of talking this much for the first time in so long. 

“I was gonna go to college for engineering, but…” he trails off, scared to give you more information than that. 

“But college.” You finish the sentence, making a face. “I dropped out too.”

“What were you studying before you dropped out?” He asks. He feels so relieved to hear you didn’t finish college either. He hopes the circumstances of your departure were much less traumatic than his, but it feels good to have a thing like that in common. It’s been so long since he felt like he had anything in common with anyone. 

You laugh ruefully and it surprises him to hear the edge in your voice. “I had so many majors. I wasn’t in college because I had something I wanted to study. I was in college because it’s where I was ‘supposed to’ be.”

Corey wants to say something meaningful to that. He can’t imagine not wanting to go to college. He’d hung all his hopes on it before the thing with Jeremy. It was his ticket out. But he understands suffocating under other people’s expectations. Doing things, not because you want to, but to avoid the consequences if you don’t. He’s done that his whole life, with the exception of one glorious and horrific week. He couldn’t possibly get into it, so he settles from solemn nod.

“Where are you from?” You ask.

“Illinois,” Corey says, then immediately regrets it. He doesn’t want to lie, but he could be less specific. 

“Oh yeah? I could tell you weren’t no southern boy,” you say, exaggerating your subtle accent. “Where at in Illinois?”

“Not a town you’ve heard of.” He hopes against hope that that’s the truth. His manslaughter trial didn’t make huge waves, but it had definitely made the rounds on social media nationally, and there was the podcast that nurse had mentioned. Michael Myers’ massacres, and his own, were probably much bigger headlines. Front page maybe even. He had killed nine people that week. He had no way to even estimate how many Michael had done beyond the two he’d been there for. That had to make the front page nationally. Or trend on Twitter, or something. But he couldn’t be sure. He’d avoided the news studiously since he left.

“What brought you here?” 

That, Corey can answer truthfully. Vaguely, but truthfully. “It was hell living there. I couldn’t wait to get out,” he says. “What about you?”

“I’m from here,” you say. “I was gone for a few years, but I wound up crawling back.”

The conversation lulls. Corey is thankful that you allow it to. Mixed feelings roil inside him. He shouldn’t be here. He shouldn’t have accepted dinner if he was going to help you, and he shouldn’t have helped you. His cover will be blown, he’ll go to prison. He’ll be sentenced to death, but he won’t ever die. He’ll just wither immortally in a cell, watching all the other killers be walked to their waiting KFC.

And yet, it’s so nice to talk to someone. To put on a front and pretend to be normal. To get to know a pretty girl. He lies to himself every day that it doesn’t hurt. That he likes being alone. That even with his mother breathing down his neck his whole childhood, he was always really alone, and his complete isolation is just the logical conclusion of things. The way he was born to live. 

Of course none of that is true. He remembers the way he felt about the Allens before the accident with Jeremy. How he’d hoped someday he could experience a love like the one they had, before he destroyed it.

Then there’s you. Rubbing your finger around the rim of your glass in mock-absentmindedness. Pretending not to look at him, but studying him intently. You texted your friend just in case the man you invited into your home was a murderer. He is. But you’re safe with him, at least right now. He thinks about the way you caught him in the library. And again he feels aroused at the idea that you’re a hunter too. He wonders if you could survive an encounter with Michael, if you have the fight in you like Laurie did. He finishes his beer.

“You’re a good cook,” he says, breaking the silence. 

You give him The Smile . “Thank you! I was worried it was too similar to spaghetti.”

“I might actually eat your spaghetti.”

“You should be so lucky,” you reply, laughing. You’re flirting. He’s flirting, and you’re flirting back. He almost can’t believe it. 

The rest of the evening is easier for Corey. He relaxes just a little. When it’s time for him to go, you walk outside with him. You stand out there in your sock feet with no jacket even though it’s a chilly night. Your eyes light up when you see his motorcycle.

“Is this what you drive all the time?” You ask.

“Yeah. Do you like motorcycles?”

“Uh, I think so? I’ve never ridden one.” You step closer to it. 

Corey almost offers to give you a ride, but he hesitates, thinking of Allyson. The only other person he’d ever ridden with. Will giving you a ride lock you into her fate? 

“I might be scared to ride it, honestly. As lame as that is,” you say, letting him off the hook. 

“It’s not lame. My dad died in a motorcycle accident when I was little,” Corey says, surprising himself by sharing so easily. 

“And you still ride this thing everywhere?” You raise your eyebrows in exaggerated disbelief. 

“I don’t have the best sense of self-preservation,” he confesses. 

A smirk curls your lips. Corey can see you realizing the shy, reserved boy you’d spent the evening with might have an edge to him. You have no idea how sharp that edge is.

“Let me know if there’s anything else you need fixed,” he says, straddling the bike and putting his helmet on. 

“Do you want the long list or the short list?” You say sarcastically.

“The long list. Text it to me.” Corey’s bike roars to life. You laugh and shake your head. “I’m serious!” He shouts over the rumble of the engine. 

You reach out and put your hand on the top of his helmet. Then you walk back to your door, turning around to wave at him before you go inside. He waves back, and watches you disappear into your apartment. When he can't see you anymore he rides away.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

As you close the door, you let out a little excited sound. You can’t help but squeal. Things went so well! You send the all clear text to Veronica as you make your way to the kitchen, not even annoyed that you have to clean up. Corey had been so nice, scraping both plates and putting them in the sink. You’re touched by the small gesture of respect. You reach into the basin and, without really thinking about it, you pick his fork up off his plate and put it into your mouth. You stand there for a second before you catch yourself. You pull the fork from your mouth and laugh out loud at yourself as you load the dishwasher.

After that’s done you bring a glass of water into the bedroom and set it and your phone on your nightstand. You want to text Corey and tell him thank you for such a lovely evening, but you don’t want to come across as clingy. You tell yourself you’ll decide after you do your nighttime routine. The water barely spurts out of the faucet in your bathroom. You struggle to get your toothbrush clean under the unimpressive flow, and it takes forever for your cupped hands to fill with water to splash on your face. 

When you come back into the bedroom, skin moisturized and hair braided, the decision of how soon to text Corey has been made for you.

A little heart appears over your last message. His transparent attempt to have reasons to come back over charms you. As if you wouldn’t just invite him because you like him. You smile as you tuck yourself into bed.

Your bedroom door is crooked and sticks closed, so Corey takes it down and glues a bunch of toothpicks into the screw holes, then when the glue is dry, he saws them flush before he hangs the door back up.

Some of your outlets are loose, the weight of the cord pulls the plug halfway out as soon as you let go. The two of you check every outlet in the whole apartment, plugging things in and watching them slip back out, putting stickers on the ones that suck. Next time he comes over he flips all the switches in your breaker box. The two of you crawl around in the dark as he replaces each stickered outlet, you holding a flashlight steady for him. It feels strangely intimate, and you both speak in whispers, leaning in to be heard.

The light bulb in your closet is burnt out and your high ceilings keep it out of reach, even on the step stool you keep around. Corey stacks your dining chairs under the bare bulb and climbs the precarious pile.

“Be careful,” you warn him from outside the closet. He scoffs and holds his hand out for the new light bulb. 

“There’s a spider in here,” he says when the light comes on. 

“Cool,” you say. “Is it poisonous?”

“Um… I’m not a spider expert. It’s just a regular spider, I think.”

“Just leave it,” you instruct. 

 “You don’t want me to kill it?” His muffled voice sounds surprised.

“It’s not hurting anything. If that’s where it wants to be, I’m not gonna stop it.” He gives you a confused look when he jumps down from the chair stack. “Are you judging me?” You ask.

“Never. I’m just… impressed.”

“I have a soft spot for maligned creatures,” you explain. 

When you’re not with Corey, he’s always on your mind. You’ve started hearing motorcycles everywhere. Whenever you hear one rumbling along, you think of him, and say a quick prayer to no one for the rider’s safety. 

He’s smart. He seems scared to make jokes, like he doesn’t think he’s funny, but there’s a dark edged humor to him that surprises you pleasantly every time. When you talk it feels like he really listens, like he’s taking notes. 

Something very bad happened to him. You’ve noticed the scars on his hand and his throat, but the sense that he’s been through something awful comes equally from how extremely guarded he always seems. His reservation is the very thing that reduces yours. You’ve been emotionally unavailable for what feels like forever. You think of all the times you ended things after one or two stiff little dates. Corey’s hesitance makes him feel like someone safe. 

And he’s just so goddamn pretty. Sometimes you have to look away because it feels like gazing at the sun.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

It’s not a complete coincidence that you’ve started hearing motorcycles more often, not only an illusion of increased frequency. 

Corey hadn’t let himself follow you home from the library the other day, but finding the same strength now isn’t always easy. In the evenings after work, on his days off, whenever he’s not busy and he’s not with you, he wonders where you are and what you’re doing. He makes himself work on a project, scrub a circuit board with rubbing alcohol and a q-tip. But inevitably he gets antsy.

His bike carves across town. He passes your apartment, he cuts through the parking lot behind the record store, he lurks across the street from your favorite mom and pop grocery. He’s been going to the library more than ever before. Your habit of texting while walking irritates him, but he always softens a little when he feels his phone vibrate. He makes sure you get home safe on nights you stumble out of a dive bar and into a taxi with Veronica and Rose. A time or two he’s left you a little present, dropping a flower from a nearby tree onto your passenger seat through your barely open window. When he sees a meter maid writing you a ticket he runs over and stops her, putting all the coins in his pocket into the machine to buy you more time. 

When he’s with you he’s still nervous, putting a lot of effort into every conversation, always desperate for you to give him The Smile . It still hurts, wrenching the air from his lungs. And it still feels like sinking into a warm bath at the end of a long day. He feels a foreign sensation in your presence: joy. 

The guilt however, is familiar and well worn. The thoughts about Allyson, that he had failed to keep her safe, that he had walked away after promising he wouldn’t. It just gets a shiny new coat of paint. He should stay away from you. What if he implicates you, contaminates you. Is he putting you in legal danger by getting close to you? Or physical danger? And is he disrespecting Allyson’s memory? You’ve already gotten more time with him than she ever will. Is that good or bad? How can he keep you from ending up like her?

[ainatsuu]

Hi, I want to make a confession. I hope people who know me would never find this post but that doesn't mean there's no possibility of them reading this. I wrote this as a way to say goodbye and to allow myself to move on.

To you if you're reading and you felt uncomfortable that I wrote things about you, I'm sorry. You know, feel free to text me and I will take it down for you.

So, I love someone. Wow. That is actually the first time that I put my ego far away and admit that I love someone. So here's a story about my first love at the age of 18 and now 19.

We were classmates. We first met during the class gathering the day before the class started in August. At first, I wasn't planning on searching and liking any guy in college. You could say I met the wrong guy before and decided that all the guys are bad for me. Well, obviously my plan never succeeds.

My first impression of him was wow he's attractive. But then, I tried to push the thoughts away for that reason above. Another reason was that he was my classmate and it would be awkward for me and maybe for him. So for a few days I had forgotten about that and went on with my life like usual.

Until one day, I caught myself staring at him and once in a while, I would smile with him whenever he smiled. And at that time I think again all the moment and all the things I did that I didn't notice and realized that I already started to like him. I'm in denial for a while until I admit it not long after.

At the end of August, I told my friends about him and I think that was the official start of me liking him. I started to adore every single thing he did. The way he makes dad jokes, his childish behaviour, his clumsiness and everything. Thankfully, no one in the class realized that I like him as I could mask my expression pretty well. So, this went on for I don't know how long.

Every time I was around him, I felt like he was treating me differently from others. Like when I fell from a bicycle, he carefully asked me if I was okay to continue and also when we were playing badminton he patiently taught me how to play. There were several times when we had a group picture where he was caught looking in my direction. I was over the moon, thinking he had something for me. But I'm sure anyone reading this would think that all the things I state were just normal. Maybe he was just looking at something behind me and I misinterpreted it.

So, at the end of the semester in December, I confessed to him through chat because I was too scared of doing it face to face. I only sent him a simple line like 'I like you'. At first he didn't understand what I was trying to say as he thought I hated him or something. And then I had to explain to him what exactly I was trying to say. Then, the reply I got broke me into pieces. He sent me a lengthy answer but all he tried to say was he was not ready for a relationship.

I thought he liked me? Or maybe that was just my delusion. He never really said that he was not into me. And that makes me hope that there's another chance for me. Cause he never really makes it clear if he likes me or not. After that I had a really long week. I cried everyday and every time I watched a drama with hopes that it would calm me down, I only cried when I saw that the characters got their happy ending because where was my happy ending? Do I not deserve one?

At first, I wanted to move on and maybe search for a new guy to replace him. But my friends urged me to not move on and they continued to say that there's still a chance for me. So I trusted them and continue to like him. I wish I didn't trust them and move on.

So, when the new semester starts in March the next year, I was thankful that we all switched our class as I felt that it would be too awkward for us to be in the same class. But, our previous classmates continued to hang out with each other and it became the reason for me to see him for once in a while. Sure, at first it was awkward and I could feel that he looked at me pity. I don't like it no matter how hard I think about it.

But as time went by, it went okay and we both acted like nothing had happened. And he continued to treat me differently from the others. At least that was what I thought happened. Like when he took a long way just to say hi to me in the cafe. Anyone would think he had something for me. My friends saw it too and thought it was weird.

Not gonna lie but I was fluttered too but after that, I didn't think much about it. And time went by and we almost at the end of the semester. It was a week before the final exam. I decided that I'm going to give him a gift for no particular reason. I gave it anonymously through his friend. Then, I waited for a video or a picture of him unboxing the gift but that never happened. Well, maybe he is just too busy for that.

Then, I decided that I will confess for the second time and maybe for the last time as we have a high possibility of not seeing each other after this. This time, I wanted to confess through a letter. It was a lengthy three pieces of A4 paper and a piece of instructions on how to reject or accept people (it was because I'm frustrated that his rejection was not straightforward enough).

I handed it to him through a messenger on the last day of the examination. I didn't get to see his reaction because I ran away right after I gave the messenger the letters. I know I'm a coward.

Then, I thought I would get a reply within a day. But they never came. Then a week and still nothing. I was restless and all I could think of was him. I felt like I already got the answer and that he was not interested in me but I still hold onto the false hope that he just needed time.

So, I put away my ego and texted him asking about the letter. And he replied that he got busy and will reply at night. But he never did. He only replied the day after that. I was truly disappointed but I still want to know what he had to say.

He sent a lengthy paragraph only to say he is still not ready to commit and that I deserve better. Even with those long words, he never really admitted that he didn't like me. Although this time, even though he didn't say anything about that, I know that I was never in his mind.

I guess it's not his fault that he was not ready and didn't like me. We can never force someone to like us. And it was mainly my fault to like him too much and didn't know when to quit.

After that, I got to tell everything that I wanted to say before I let him go. And that night surprisingly, I never cried or even felt sad. I don't know if that was even normal. Or is this the feeling that people call being numb?

Although after a week, I finally felt the emotion. Mostly sad and angry. I cried every night. Especially when his name is literally everywhere.

And that is how my first love failed at the age of 19. I know I'm still young but is this heartbreak necessary? Anyway, may I find the peace and a new guy in the future❤️

You know why I'm mad? Firstly, if I deserve better, why can't he be better? Why can't he learn to be better? Secondly, he always questioned why he's single when in reality, he acts like this. It doesn't make sense. Thirdly, how could he live his life without worrying about anything when I felt like shit. But then, It was all my fault for falling too hard.

Lastly, what do I like so much about him? If you ask me this question I wouldn't know what to answer. Maybe it was because he made me smile when I saw him smile or cracked some dad jokes. Or maybe he was like an energizer that filled my social battery whenever I was close to zero. I like all about him and I hope that he never changes. So that the lucky girl could experience and feel the love I could never experience.

[tsui-no-sora]

I am on a talkative mood rn so yes have this <3

To be fair I am a lurker pretty much and I was so close to being a lurker with Karmaland too; the only reason I made a side blog was because I wanted to make a pun out of the url (Quackity with K of Karmaland - Kuackity).

I didn't see more than a couple of reblogs, maybe a tag or two in the future of that blog. I am usually nervous talking like in text cause I am not the most elocuent person nor the one with the best gramatic and wording.

But I think you were the one who made me want to become active, I just couldn't help responding to your takes and the back and forth of input made me so happy that I decided to invest myself in this of being active and voicing things.

Thanks to you I made a pinned comment (yes my example was your own, sorry), I started liveblogging (seeing you reblog my live blogs was special), you were my first ask (and probably the reason I have gotten asks since most are anons and you told me I had it off), I made banners cause I saw you made one, and so many little things.

Now I have 30 followers (is not a lot maybe to some but I was always on 2 in my main), a lot of posts, people reblogging content, adding their own, I have guides now, and anons with special names and so much.

I am sappy now, but thank you so much. I am so glad to be your mutual (you my first mutual too) and I am just happy in general to be able to droo here, or in your tags, or see you in my tags, in my asks. Just yeah 💜💚

-kuackity

Sorry I read this and then I re read this and then I read it again because I was freaking out I took screenshots of it so I don't lose this ask

You don't know how happy it makes me hear that me yelling back to the posts you wrote made you want to be more active I have never really been active in any fandom before except for one where it was literally just me and my irl friends posting for each other it's really difficult for me to get enough confidence and energy to post my fics and to post my analysis about things even now I still have so many posts on drafts because I get nervous and scared easily you are really like the first person I have interacted like this with ever

You are also the reason I even get asks and stuff now I have always been used to just sending them and lurking around but now I mostly get at least one or two asks a day you don't know how insane that is to me and trust me I get it 30 doesn't feel like a lot compared to other people but I had my main for about eleven years now and used to be really active on it and never got past like 10 followers and they were all irl friends so it is a lot

It's so cool being told you made the banners because you saw mine because I loved the banners you made and immediately wanted to use them and I inspired my own pin posts out of the blogs I looked up to the Liveblogs thing as well I got more interested in posting my random thoughts in real time because I saw you doing the same and I wanted to keep reblogging and interacting

I initially thought that posting about Karmaland was just going to be me yelling to the void with maybe one or two reblogs here and there you don't know how happy it has made me to actually have somebody to speak about my Minecraft series with and somebody to send asks and reply to posts back and forth to make theories and headcanons with it's really the best part of fandom

You are the first mutual on this fandom that I actually speak with consistently and I really love your posts and I'm glad I helped you get a little more confidence to share them with the world our community it's rather small but I like that it exists and we are in it you know it's really cool it warms my heart and you even got your anons with cool names

Thank you too for being such a cool person and hanging out with me in my blog I love hanging out in your inbox and in your tags all the time

[rareslikespastelpink]

.

Welp I registered for community college, gotta e-mail help desk so I can set up my login in info, I already got my student ID. After that's settled just gotta apply for financial aid.

But yeah to be honest I've been depressed for a minute but surprisingly I'm not flipping out about anything. I'm just letting it be, it did start with paranoia and the paranoia's still there. I've just been telling myself it's okay to feel these things and it's my normal anyways so whatever. It seems to keep me calm.

Instead of wallowing in my depression I've decided I'll do things that will make it better. Like clean my room up, wash my bedding, wash my clothes, cook more. Etc

A clean room is a great thing to come home to after work. Then I can light a candle and relax. Nice clean sheets are great and honestly I do laundry every week but I wasn't washing all of it so my hamper had too many clothes in it. Finally washed everything and now it's empty. Cept for this evening cause' my dirty clothes from work are in there.

But yeah, also mothers' day. It is what it is, I'm not mad about it anymore. It'll mostly be just another day for me, same for Fathers' day since I never had a father to begin with. Both parents just didn't want me and honestly it's okay. I've finally made peace with it and want to move onto something else.

I'm ready to just put all of those things behind me now. I don't want to post about it anymore, nor do I want to speak of it anymore. I'm going to make new happy memories.

I also just remind myself of all the things I have to be greatful for. I have a roof over my head, I have food, I have a bed to lay in, I do have people that care about me and I can always come home and relax. This seems to be helping alot as well now.

I want to just move on from everything in my childhood up to now. Al I also have stopped questioning if people dislike me. It's okay if they do, it's whatever. Nothing I can do about it.

My goal is still to be a nice person. I think I'm doing good at it. I'm still super considerate of others. And if I'm not doing good at it, then that's okay too. I only hope everyones' happy and content with their lives and enjoying themselves more than anything. I hope the best for everyone.

Also I don't like the way my body looks. I don't hate my body let me clarify, just the way it looks. So working out is what I plan to do and I'm going to continue trying to eat healthy. We got an air fryer and so now cooking will be easier.

As far as dating goes, I realized I have a tendency to shut down when I'm depressed. Like I want to be to myself mostly and I want to stop doing that. It messes up all my relationships.

Bleh I still really like (more like love) him. I've just been scared to text because look how many months it is now. X.X My brain is like what if last time was it? Honestly I don't care, the worst thing that can happen is he says no or doesn't reply and those things aren't so bad at all. I can't control people anyways and that's okay.

Common sense would say to just let it go and not do it. I'm still a tad embarrassed about our last interaction and continue to call myself an idiot over it. But it doesn't hurt to try one last time I guess. I'm just going to stay neutral. No beating around the bush just say it.

I've also learned that if something is going good don't question it. Just go with the good things happening to me in life I deserve it. So yeah if it goes good I won't question it, if it goes bad I still won't question it, it's okay.

In general atleast I'm alive and while I'm still here I'm going to make an effort to just live life. I'm not going to worry anymore. Though I will be asking my psychiatrist to up the dose on my meds next time I see her. 100 mg's is great but 150 might be the sweet spot.

I have come to accept all of me, especially since there's only one of me and I have to do everything to keep her happy and healthy. That's what I aim to do. I can't take care of others' if I don't have myself together. Even though I do like helping people in anyway I can, so long as it's reasonable.

[bubsub69]

Entry 1

entries 1-13 were written pre-tumblr

12/05/2023 4:08

4am what better time to start a diary, who knew waking up for 9am classes and then at noon on the next day and then 9am etc could fuck up your sleep schedule.

But yeah… why start a secret encrypted diary now? the first one i've ever made? idk, im just tired and afraid and sick of being lonely and touch starved and all the other stuff

Definetely didnt help to scroll through r/niceguys and seeing the I'm 21 kissless virgin that was bullied and ignored by girls that isnt sexist and racist and doesnt do drugs and thinking wow its literally me and then it being followed by females owe me sex the post: https://www.reddit.com/r/niceguys/comments/12n0m5q/ngvc_im_not_a_sexist_but_females_owe_me_sex/

cause you know… what if i become like this, what if i become an even bigger nuisance than i already am and/or fuck up my chances of ever finding someone, it's especially worrysome that i felt bad for some of the guys, you know simpathizing with the kind of people that call women whores for not wanting the nice guy, cant believe i went to the subreddit because of the omoriboy soy parody (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahPdX90_6jg).

And then there's the someone i found ish just gonna call her D She replied to my post on the femdompersonals subreddit and it was pretty close to love at first sight, but probably very one sided, i mean shit she was now moving from the us to porto what better luck could i want. But she's been very busy, especially with the moving, it took from her texting me on the 26 of april to the 7th of may just to have a 1 hour call.

And boy that call was something, i literally think it was the only time i was genuinely happy in like.. i dunno a month? a year? more? i couldnt even sleep that night, i really needed that call cause i thought she was just fucking with me at that point, you know pretending to be interested and catfishing me for something but no i got a 1 hour call and she even showed me her face at the end, i was kinda expecting something sexual but no it was just getting to know each other which is fine for a first call, she's a really cool and interesting girl, i did think it was weird she just went to walk her dog mid conversation but i guess its something that cant wait, it probably had to pee as well.. maybe it was actually nice of her not to hang up on the call while she was walking the dog.

But yeah i'm kind of back at square one, shes not busy with moving but she has a million hobbies apparenly that she balances with her work and learning a new language and all that stuff, shes had a non specified workshop and a ceramics class as excuses which.. yeah im doubting if shes actually doing, i even commented wow you have a lot of hobbies which i was scared of doing cause i didnt want to imply shes lying even if i have the gut feeling she is, and it makes me feel awful to not trust her, but honestly i think i'd be fine with all that if she just put some initiative in texting, literally the only time she texted first was for a link to a game that she didnt even comment on, really makes ya wonder is she doing some 'woman games™' or just fucking with me or just seeing how far she can push me.. fuck i am becoming an incel, cause you know its the classic i have a life outside of you, you cant just expect me to make time for you everyday but fuck maybe the first call was a bad ideia cause now i just crave more, i seriously think theres some potential here but not if she doesnt have time for me, which im obviously not entitled to but ofc i still want it.

im just so scared of texting her, if i do it too often i might annoy her, if i dont do it enough she might forget about me.. i dont even know whats worse, i tried texting every other day but that also seems like too much, i dunno do i just wait for her to text me and make a call appoinment, it also kind of doesnt help i dont even know her name or age, granted she doesnt know my name either but yeah its another layer of anonymity that i want to get rid of, maybe i should try on the weekend, its when we had the call and she might have time, we'll see

She did kind of mention meeting up one day, dont know if she was just being nice of something, but i just wish i knew how she feels about me, or just get some advice with texting her, i dont want to be disingenuous either and write what someone else tells me to, how do i balance being needy and not annoying.

and theres also the voice.. i'm honestly starting to worry im losing control to the self degrading voice i have inside me, that thing is real mean, its whats making me distrust her and shit, i even thought i 'defeated' it with the call but it just came back same as before. The youre useless and an annoyance and all those thoughts are kind of starting to worry me a bit, especially since the suicide thoughts are becoming a bit too common, im still far from it, im too scared to do it, but the first step of commiting suicide is having the reason to do it, and i also think im kind of becoming a psycopath, not in the edgy way its just ive become so apathetic lately, the 'mom would be sad' strategy doesnt work at all cause im so sick of her, between being annoying and not trusting me and being dumb and the shit she did to my cousin and kind of being blamed cause shes getting unknown disease cause of stress, ive kind of grown to hate her a bit i did cry a bit when i got my cousin's graduation ribbon (its a thing here, you write shit like good job and good luck), reading the only ribbon that i got that wasnt just generic garbage made me tear up a bit, not immediately just when i got home, and it didnt help when she hugged me and said if you ever leave pls take me with you, so yeah maybe im not apathetic i just hate my mother

There's also my cat, im kind of getting… idk sick of him too angry, it just feels like he doesnt like me sometimes, which is absurd he comes to greet me and only me when i arrive and hes actually been sleeping a bit with me tonight and yesterday, but the biting when i pet him is really annoying.. what am i saying its just cat stuff its normal. I am feeling kinda weird when i pet him and think damn i wish i was the one being petted (not by him ofc), you know just lying on girls lap and being petted, r/cuddle_slut really made me realize how fucking touch starved i am.

Or maybe i should just move on from her.. maybe she doesnt want that kind of relationship, i really dont want to start talking to someone else while im talking with her tough, feels real scummy, i kind of did that with someone on skype, i had a couple of sessions with her but she kind of stopped texting me as i was talking to D which was lucky, but in those sessions i had full video on and she didnt even use her voice so i guess its kind of fair, she was also the one that took the initiative texting so who knows maybe shes doing what im planning on doing, letting her text first which didnt really work out for her cause i didnt and now our last message is from the 28th. typing this really discouraged me from the let her text first and see what happens strategy, i guess ill settle for trying on the weekend tough this saturday i have the ribbon party so hopefully i have time and energy to call her

Maybe ill just try some keyholding, just to do something sexual that isnt just showing my junk and locking it or putting my finger in my ass for the skype girl, but the problem with keyholding is that it might take some time.. what if while im locked D wants to do something and i reveal i've been """unfaithfull""" i think im gonna wait a bit more for her i really want things to work out with her she just seems like a really cool person but im worried im too much of a loser for her, the very busy woman who managed commitees has a million hobbies and her boyfriend who's a stay at home gamer

I guess that's it for first entry, hopefully when I'm rereading this im in a better state, or maybe im showing this to my therapist or hey maybe even D or whatever her name is, overall not bad for a first diary entry i think, i got to rant a bit even if it was just on a keyboard, i think im gonna start writing here a bit, some non sad stuff as well hopefully

maybe ill dump this on some ai text and see what happens (garbage pretty much)

See you on entry 2 i guess.

PS wow its 5:15 was not expecting to spend an hour writing this

[seonghwa-is-babie]

Protective pup

Y/n And yunho haven't gotten the best response to coming out, getting a lot of hate from antis, unfortunately, y/n got a bit more than just online hate, all because he looked too scary and intimidating with his height and tattoos

Yunho x male reader

Warning: slight angst (cursing, bruises, crying)

Note: sorry if this made u cry ;-;, and that the ending's a bit awkward

Today was a wreck for y/n, ever since he and his boyfriend, Yunho came out as a couple, he's been getting a lot of hate from both fans and non-fans. y/n tried to stay strong in front of him, but in reality he didn't know how much hate he could handle anymore, since it was escalating to physical harassment

It wasn't uncommon for him to come home with bruises, but he did his best to hide them from yunho, he was already stressed with their comeback being right around the corner

Today was another one of those days where he got beat up for being in a relationship with their 'oppar'

🐶

Once he got home he expected to be welcomed by his boyfriend, Yunho, with open arms, but he wasn't home at the moment, so y/n decided to text him

________________________________________

you: baby why aren't you home? I thought you were done by now?

Yunho🐶❤️: They're making us practise a bit longer for our comeback

you: When are you coming home then? I miss you...

Yunho🐶❤️: We're almost done, don't worry :)

Yunho🐶❤️: love you😘😘❤️

_______________________________________

Deciding he had enough time left to hopefully cover up the wounds, he went to the bathroom to get some bandages for the cuts, and foundations for the bruises

🐶

After bandaging up his arms and putting on a decent amount of makeup to cover up the bruises

He turned off his phone, hoping to not see anymore notifications from comments under anything he posts "maybe he is better off without me, or he can find someone else who's so much better than me, who isn't hated" as he started to think, he couldn't help but cry from it, falling asleep after the crying had tired him out.

At practice🐶

"alright from the top guys, five six seven eight" they went over their choreography once again "yunho your footing's wrong, you're supposed to go like this" the instructor demonstrated "sorry sir, I won't do it again" they repeated it, only for him to do another part wrong, repeating this problem until the members decided to address it

"yunho, you've been a bit out of rhythm since our break, is everything okay?" seonghwa asked concerned "I don't know hyung, maybe cause of..."

San looked at him confused "cause of what, Yunho?" he looked down "y/n sent a text asking why I wasn't at home and after I explained why, I don't know why, but his reply seemed so sad, he didn't even say I love you back, and I think I know why" the older didn't fully understand

"well, why do you think he's sad?" yunho looked down "I think it might be because of the hate we've been getting for coming out, I've deleted all social media of off my phone, but I don't know if he did it as well."

"yunho, maybe you should go home to check on him" Hongjoong said, concerned for the yunho's boyfriend, he knew him quite well and knew that despite his intimidating exterior, he was a gentle soul "but what about practice?"

wooyoung pushed him towards the door "that's not important right now, what is, is that you go home and check up on your boyfriend"

🐶

"I'm home" yunho said, expecting a hug and a kiss from his boyfriend, but all he saw was an empty living room, like he had feared "maybe he went to bed already? That's strange, normally he waits for me to get back" he went up the stairs to their shared bedroom, hoping to find the other there

To his surprise, he did, though he was already asleep, so he tried his best not to wake his lover up, sadly he did wake up because y/n was a pretty light sleeper

"Yunho?" he turned around to face his lover, he smiled "hey, I'm home, I missed you" he went closer to his lover, only then noticing the tear stains and the slightly red eyes "why did you cry? Did something happen?" he hoped to deer God that it wasn't the hate, but just a bad day at work

"i'm fine, don't worry about it" he tried grabbing yunho's arm to stop him from further inspecting his body, but that backfired as the sleeve came up and exposed the bandages, which yunho obviously saw

"oh my gosh! What did you do? Did someone hurt you?" tears started to slip from y/n's eyes and he turned over to his back "babe please, I'm worried about you" y/n turned back to yunho, the years exposing his makeup "hold on one minute, please"

He came back with a a few makeup wipes "may I?" y/n decided to no longer hide what people were doing to him and nodded. As yunho started gently wiping off the makeup, his face contorted into one of shock "how'd that happen, honey?"

"....Your fans, they've been harassing me on and off social media, on it, they always say I don't D-deserve you, that I-I'm a heartless ass hole who doesn't know how to properly care for you. But off...... Yunho.... I'm not sure if you know how much it hurts not only physically, but mentally as well. I've tried to stay strong, but I don't know how much longer I can take it"

at this point he was sobbing, something Yunho had never seen before. He sat next to his slightly taller boyfriend and rubbed the others back "I-I didn't know it go that bad..... I didn't think they would go that far. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you sooner" both began to cry in each others arms

🐶

"I promise you I will do something about this, I hate to see you go through so much pain" yunho said, sitting in y/n's lap "maybe we could do something together?" the younger nodded, before getting up from the older's lap and grabbing his phone, texting someone "who're you texting?" yunho made room for y/n to look over his shoulder

"just my manager to ask him if I can do a V-live to address what's going on" the older tensed up "are you sure that's a good idea?" the younger nodded "we don't have to if you don't feel comfortable with it" y/n thought about it

"I don't want you to do this alone, but I don't know if I can face the camera right now" Yunho tried to think of something they could do "how about...... You lay your head on my lap facing away from the camera, that way, you'll still be there with me, but don't have to see any negative comments" y/n nodded

🐶

Yunho got his phone positioned where they could see both him and y/n and waited until enough people joined in "hey guys.... This isn't going to be a happy vlive today, instead I want to address something that's been a problem lately" he could already see some hate comments on screen "ever since I came out with my boyfriend, we've been getting a lot of hate, me getting only a bit of what y/n has been going through, I normally trust you guys and love you all, but harassing y/n for being together with me is just wrong"

"but oppar he isn't right for uuuu"

"we love a protective bf, preach🏳️‍🌈"

"not our fault you're both filthy homosexuals😒"

"hope u guys still know there's fans out there who support you two, we love you💙💙💙"

"but he doesn't treat u right unlike I would"

"for the people who think y/n doesn't treat me right because of how he looks, he's the sweetest guy I could've asked for, he knows what I like and dislike, how to cheer me up. Why can't you guys see that, is all you guys see a tall scary man with tattoos, or the sweet, loving person laying beside me"

y/n started to cry again and buried his face into yunho's thighs, Yunho brought him up to comfort him, y/n still facing away from the camera "it's okay, it's gonna be fine, we're gonna sort this out alright?" the youngest went to wipe his tears, the older leaning into those touches from him

"guys, you should stop... Look how much we're hurting him and y/n"

"oppar he'll just use you"

"look at how much they care about each other, how could you hate them?🥺🥺🥺🥺"

"guys please, I can't stand seeing him this unhappy and sad, seeing him with so many bruises and cuts, and him not even being able to face the camera because of you guys. This has to stop, or we will have to take drastic measures in order to keep ourselves save" y/n looked at his boyfriend, a bit scared but also relieved that this might just be a solution to their problem

"yunho, are you sure this is what we should do?" he asked, still unsure of what to do "I know many fans probably won't like it, but this is what I have to do if I want to keep you and myself safe" he took in a deep breath before looking back towards his phone "we will be deleting our social media from our phones, and if we catch any of you harassing me or y/n, you will be blacklisted and will get a restraining order from us" he ended the live

🐶

"are you okay baby?" y/n asked yunho  "no, I just-" he began to cry "I just can't believe that they would do so many awful things just because we're together" the older pulled him closer "I guess that's the harsh reality of idol life, because of the way you're supposed to act towards fans, it gives them a false sense of hope. I wish things were different, but sadly we can't change it, not in one day that is. This stuff is going to take time for people to accept, but i'm sure that when some more time has passed, people will accept it, as there will be more like us in the future"

"how can you be so sure of it? Maybe people will start to resent it even more" he looked up at y/n "I don't know what the future holds, but I do know we can influence it, you're a role model for people, if they see from you that it's okay, I'm sure many people will follow"

they stayed in each other's arms, eventually falling asleep, but not before saying one last thing to each other "I love you yunho, with all my heart, and I hope our country will allow us to be together till the end" yunho snuggled closer to y/n "you mean like getting married and stuff? I'd love to get married to you, and I hope we can in the future too"

They shared a quick peck before cuddling up once more and going to sleep for the night

[bluerosewritings]

Duel Rules | Riddle x Stubborn!Reader

[Originally uploaded to ‘The Hearts Mirror’ on Wattpad]

Your stubbornness had started off as an admirable quality to Riddle. While other students were grumbling about the Queen of Hearts' rules, you were determined to follow them, almost to a fault. Sure, you weren't as big of a rule abider as Riddle but you'd set your mind on upholding what you believed to be the values of Heartslabyul and Riddle respected you for that.

The only issue was when you came across a rule you didn't agree with. Not matter what, if you didn't want to follow it, you would never follow it, and it drove Riddle insane. Even post-overblot, your dorm head was still shocked at how adamantly against you were at following rules 39, 176 and 590. Especially rule 590.

That was how you had once again been called to the dorm lounge long after it had been deserted by the other students, sitting across from Riddle who was massaging the bridge of his nose. A frustrated sigh escaped his lips as he briefly looked up at you, wondering how in the of Twisted Wonderland the two of you managed to keep finding yourselves together like this.

"(y/n)-"

You cut him off. "It wasn't my fault."

Riddle couldn't stop his eyebrow from twitching. "It wasn't your fault?"

You nodded.

"So the fact that your roommate is currently in the infirmary after a magic duel from a shot multiple people, including myself, saw you cast... is not your fault?" Riddle said, finally looking you in the eye. His expression was a hardened glare, though you could tell there was something else behind it as well.

"Look, he started it," you explained, "he said some pretty stupid stuff and said if I won a duel against him, he would keep his mouth shut - if I lost, he got to tell everyone and I took his place in Azul's contract. Not my fault."

Riddle shook his head. "Even though you broke the rules of the duel?"

The accusation made you shift in your seat. Riddle knew logically you couldn't deny it - it was a miracle that the headmaster had agreed to let him deal with the issue, even if he was your dorm head. While duels typically weren't allowed on school grounds, rule 590 of the Queen of Hearts was something of a loophole, where as long as only non-elemental magic was used a duel was allowed. During your duel, however, you had cast wind magic, causing your opponent to be pushed backwards. You'd intended just to scare him but he instead tripped and fell down on his arm at a not so nice angle, luckily managing not to break it but unfortunately it was still pretty battered.

"...He shouldn't have been acting like an idiot." you eventually replied, receiving another unhappy look from Riddle. "Look, he was going to use elemental magic on me too, okay? I had no choice!"

"And you know that, how?"

"Because he was bragging about it to his friends in broad daylight like an idiot."

"If you knew that, then you should've come to me. In fact, why didn't you?" Riddle crossed his arms, confusion now showing on his face. "I usually mediate all your duels. So why—"

"B-Because I don't want to keep dragging you into my messes!" You say.

A pout forms on Riddle's face. While you'd usually consider it cute, you knew it meant he didn't believe your lie. You internally cursed yourself for not thinking of a better excuse.

"(y/n)," Riddle's voice grew sterner, "why didn't you talk to me?"

You mumbled under your breath. Riddle gave out another frustrated sigh.

"(y/n)."

"...because then he'd have known."

Riddle furrowed his brows. "Known? Known what?"

"That we're dating."

Riddle blinked, unsure of how to reply. "Why would you talking to me make him know... that?"

"That was the secret." You told him. "He said he knew we were... y'know. But I could tell he wasn't 100% sure, so I played it off and tried to keep away."

Well, that explained your lack of presence being made up by late-night texts, then.

"I mean, I still don't see why we have to hide us," you continued, "since you shouldn't care about what your mother thinks after what she did to you! But... you don't want that, so... I had to break the rule. I... I'm sorry."

Riddle froze. "Huh? Could you... repeat that?"

"Repeat what?" You feigned innocence, knowing exactly what he meant.

Riddle wasn't going to give up so easily, however. "The last thing you said."

"I had to break the rule."

"After that."

"...I'm... sorry." A blush spread across your cheeks. You didn't exactly mean your words - you were sorry, yes, but really for worrying Riddle rather than for standing your ground. You were pretty sure Riddle knew it too.

It didn't matter. Your apology and your expression caused Riddle to soften. He stood up from the lounge's "throne" couch and made his way over to you. Using your bodies to shield your hands from any unlikely late-night visitors, Riddle intertwined his fingers with yours, giving your hand a light squeeze. As the two of you rarely made any contact, the action caused a light red to spread across both your cheeks.

"Thank you, (y/n)." Riddle said. "However, this does not mean I approve of you going around and disrespecting not only the school's rules but also the Queen of Hearts' rules. Understand?"

You huff. "Even though they're so pointless?"

Riddle raised an eyebrow. "Does that make rule 2 pointless as well?"

"Of course not! Scones without fruit tea is unforgivable." You argued, shocked Riddle would even suggest the idea.

Riddle sighed, though you saw the corners of his mouth twitch. "Then you need to follow the other rules, too. You can't just do what you think is right concerning rules - I think what happened to me should be proof enough of that."

The thought of Riddle's overblot sent a cold feeling down your spine. "I would never... get that far. I promise."

Riddle smiled. "I know; I wouldn't let you. Not that you'd let yourself get 'there' either."

"Thank you." You whispered. You dropped your voice even lower. "...I love you."

"I love you, too." Riddle replied, words so quiet you had to read his lips.

His lips... before you could stop yourself, you placed your lips on his, clutching his hands. Secrecy temporarily forgotten, Riddle loosened his grip on one of your hands to move his to the back of your head, adjusting the angle of your head so he could kiss you deeper. The kiss likely lasted no more than thirty seconds, but like every time you touched, it felt like a thousand years.

For the millionth time, you cursed Riddle's mother and the fear she'd pushed into her son that caused the two of you to keep your relationship on the down-low. You couldn't help yourself - you wanted more. You dove you head closer to his again, only your aim was off, causing the two of you to bump noses.

Riddle let out a cry of pain as you cursed your bad luck, using your free hand to massage your nose. Once the pain subsided, you and Riddle caught each other's eyes. Laughter started coming out of Riddle as he had to look away, your pout too cute for him to handle at the moment.

"I'm getting better!" You insisted. "It's just dark in here, that's all."

"Of course." Riddle complied.

He brought his free hand away from the back of your head and began to caress your cheek. You leaned into his palm, though your pout still remained. Riddle giggled and placed a quick, chaste kiss against your lips. Like always, he adored the look of surprise bliss that decorated your face.

You missed the heat when he eventually pulled his hand away. Your hand felt empty without his to hold.

You were happy you could still look into his eyes. "(y/n), even if someone is threatening to reveal our relationship, if anything like that happens again, make sure to come to me. Understand?"

You frowned. On one hand, you were happy he was willing to risk your relationship to keep you out of trouble; on the other hand, you didn't like the implication that you couldn't handle your own problems. It may have ended badly this time, but that didn't mean it would always end somewhat tragically.

But one look into Riddle's worried eyes and you knew you couldn't say no. "...Okay. I promise."

The tension seemed to literally fly off Riddle's shoulders. "Thank you, (y/n)."

He placed a kiss on your cheek and smiled. "I'm expecting a five hundred sentence essay on your self-reflection about the school rules and rule 590 in my room by tomorrow night, as well as a written apology to who you injured."

"Wha- Riddle!?" You turned, too stunned to grab his arm as he walked off. "That's unfair! Riddle!"

The red-head chuckled, looking back at you with a smirk. "Would you rather it was off with your head?"

No, you didn't. It didn't stop you from grumbling about it however.

Riddle chuckled. "Be glad I'm making you drop it off in my room instead of in front of everyone. Good night, (y/n)."

Riddle left, leaving you alone in the lounge. You let out a frustrated sigh, even though you were getting off leniently. And why was he making you drop off the essay to his room specifically, instead of just letting you just hand it to him whenever? And at night! He-

Oh. Alone. A blush invaded your cheeks. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea after all.

[arethereanyoriginalusernames]

ZP stuff for other people

Kayla edition :)

Disclaimer because yes. I do not own Zoophobia or anything like that. This is also not a post made with the intent to police what people do. This is a list of misconceptions and fun facts people can use if they want to. This is all for fun, so I hope you enjoy. Feel free to add your thoughts in replies and reblogs.

///////////////

It’s quarantine time, hunnies, so let’s write some fanfiction.

1. The bad girlfriend

Spoiler alert, we're going to be seeing a few misconceptions that involve turning Kayla into a villain, and this is just one brand of it. This one deals with instances where a story portrays Kayla as, surprise, a bad girlfriend. More specifically, she's either portrayed as a toxic partner to Zill, or she causes problems that Zill has to deal with.

On one hand, I blame the writing of the OG comic for this. I mean, literally our first look into their relationship is a chapter revolving around them having relationship troubles. I dunno about you, but having that be an introduction to any relationship doesn't sound like a great idea to me. It can imply that the relationship is not a strong one, and that these characters might not be right for each other. However, due to how Vivz portrays the relationship outside the comic, and in chapter 4, this relationship is clearly meant to be a strong one (they're the school power couple for christ's sake).

Some of you may be thinking that portraying Kayla in such a way is the writer trying to break them up. Except nope! Surprisingly, I see this in works that have almost nothing to do with the couple. Like... guys. What are we doing here? Yes, Kayla can get angry at Zill, but this happens specifically when Zill fucks up real bad. Kayla is usually a nice person, and this side of her is rarely shown in in general.

2. The Temptress

Somewhat akin to the previous, this deals with instances where it's shown to be a bad thing that Zill is dating Kayla at all. This shows up in different ways. To name a few: Kayla is bad because whenever someone upsets her, Zill comes after them; Kayla is bad because Zill spends more time with her than other people; Kayla is bad because she causes Zill to be romantically unavailable to other people, etc. This... puzzles me. I've seen people try to villainize Kayla simply because she's dating Zill, and sometimes because them dating causes Zill to act in specific ways. To name one instance, one fic I read recently had Zill intimate Damian simply because he bumped into Kay at a comic book store, and she inevitably got scared. And the story makes both Zill and Kay to be the bad guys here. Because Kay can totally 100% control what her partner does.

Funnily enough, this bothers me more than the previous, given that there, I can at least understand why Kay is the bad guy.

3. The Bully

Heeeyyy, you guys know how Kay is a nice person, is friendly to most people, and is incredibly sweet? Fuck that! Don't you know that Kay is homophobic, xenophobic, probably every type of phobic (even doorphobic), and will crucify all those who stand in her way? That's right, Kayla caused nine e××ven, world war two, the extinction of the dinosaurs, etc!

I realize that tone can be difficult to read through text, but I assure you that the previous paragraph was satirical. Anyways, I'm sure at least one person here already has a good idea about what I'm talking about, but for the those scratching their heads, let me explain. This refers to when, no joke, Kay is turned into a female Leeson. Her Christianity is used as an excuse to turn her into a stereotypical, oppressive bitch. Thing is, she's kind of, ya know, not Leeson? As shown in pictures of her interacting with characters such as Addison, Kayla clearly holds more progressive ideologies. Also, Kay, as shown in ch.4, is someone who would stand up to injustices, and help those in need. She, like some real life Christians, may simply follow aspects of Christianity that involve not being a dick to people.

4. The High Achiever

In regards to a fun fact about Kay, there's the fact that she's too legit to quit when it comes to being a student. Apart from being the class president, she works hard at her studies, and is a good student. This doesn't just extend to drama either, but likely all her classes.

5. The Dreamer

The previous fact could be due to her dream of making it big as a performer in the E! District. Possibly inspired by her idol, Celeste, Kay aspires to become a star. However, due to the fact that mammals are lower on the social ladder than snakes and birds, this could prove to be a difficult task.

6. The Rival

Kay does have a rival that exists in the form of Baltimore, who I believe goes to another school, if I recall correctly. Baltimore, being an avian, would have an easier time getting success than Kay, and I imagine that conflict between the two would bring that problem up, with Balti taunting Kay about how nobody would want to see her preform.

7. The Aussie?

As pointed out by @eclecticcoyote , Kay being Australian usually gets forgotten about. While we currently have no reference as to how much this influences her lifestyle apart from her voice, this is something that can be played around with and could make for some interesting scenarios.

8. The Voice of an Angel

Listening to Kayla's Headcanon voice, I would say that Kayla's singing voice would be around the tenor range. Not quite soprano, but still higher than alto. Basically, I can see her lower notes hitting the alto range, her usual voice being tenor, and maybe being able to hit some falsetto. Also, looking at what songs Vivz has drawn her singing, Kayla seems to lean towards mainly Broadway numbers for song choice.

She also can play the piano

9. The fighter

A lot of people, I've noticed, like to write Zill as the one who engages in physical confrontation, while forgetting that Kay can kick some serious ass herself. Not only does the chick have them fencing skills for days, she can literally knock out Rusty with a punch. Not sure if ya guys noticed, but Kay doesn't need Zill to do all the punching. She can knock some heads in herself, thank you very much.

////////////////////////

That's all I've got for now. I may have forgotten something, and will make a follow up post if it turns out I did. I hoped you enjoyed, and feel free to request whatever you want.

I apologize for wasting your time

- Spooky S Skeletons

[lovemychoices]

The Lost Prince - TRR AU [Liam x MC] Mini Series Chapter 3

After being married for three years and unable to produce an heir, Liam and Riley are about to give up when Liam gets an unexpected news that changes his life forever.

Genre : Romance, Drama

*THIS SERIES PRACTICALLY THROWS CANON OUT THE WINDOW* YEET!YEET!

Characters except my OCs belong to Pixelberry, I am just borrowing them

Word count : 3038

Chapter Summary: Eventually the truth comes out one way or another.

A/N : Sorry I’m posting via mobile plus I don’t have a laptop with me at the moment so the read more options isn’t available. Grammatical errors everywhere, I’m one of those people who only checks their work once and post.

Warning : I’m rating this PG18 cause there will probably be PG18 stuff that’s going to happen in future chapters. So if you read this series you acknowledge that you are 18 and above.

Catch up with the series HERE

Liam called Leo up the day after arriving in LA, sparing him the details about Theon, he just gave Leo the address where they should meet.

Leo had moved to Malibu with his wife Amara, who he met shortly after he signed on for his motocross career. She was his manager and PR rep, after a year of working together they started dating, eventually got married and had twins not long after. The ride from his place to where Liam wanted to meet was merely an hour and a half away.

He stops his motorbike in front of the victorian style house and slowly removes his helmet raising an eyebrow. “Curiouser?” He murmurs to himself. As he hops off his bike, Liam opens the front door ready to meet him. “Leo!” Liam greets with a smile pulling his brother into a bear hug as he steps onto the front porch. “It’s good to see you too little brother.” A few seconds later they pull apart. “So Liam, what’s all this?” He gestures at the surrounding of the house giving a questioning look. “You and Riley aren’t thinking of leaving the courtly life and moving into this suburban home are you?”

Liam snorts and shakes his head. “No it’s nothing like that. I…There’s something you should know.” His face quickly turns serious. “Maybe we should go inside.” Leo nods wondering what is going on, why is Liam acting all ominous, he steps inside the house and follows him towards the living area. “Wait here.” Liam said returning a few minutes later holding Theon’s hand.

Leo's eyes go wide open when he sees the little boy, he steps closer towards him and crouched down so he can meet him eye to eye. One look at the boy and he knew what was going on. “Leo, I’d like to meet Theon. He is my son.”

“Hello Theon, I’m Leo. It’s very nice to meet you.” He puts on his best smiles offering an outstretched hand. Theon looks up at Liam as if waiting for his approval, when Liam nods he turns back to Leo and shakes his hand giving a soft smile. “It’s nice to meet you too.”

Liam clears his throat. “Theon maybe you’d like to show Leah the new castle we finished building yesterday.” Theon gives a nod and brings Leah to accompany him to his room, as soon as they are an earshot away Leo turns to Liam. “Care to explain what’s going on brother?” He gives a pointed look. “I'm assuming since Riley isn’t here she doesn’t know about Theon?”

Liam shakes his head regretfully. “Maybe I should offer you a drink first. “Scotch on the rocks?” After handing Leo his drink, he then explains the whole situation about what happened the night in LA and who Theon’s mother was, also why he didn’t tell Riley about it yet. “She’s been through so much lately, I just couldn’t. But I’ll come clean about everything once I have the DNA test done and get the results.”

“You mean you haven’t had the test done?”

“No… That is why I need your help brother. I don’t want to risk the paparazzi spotting me here in LA.”

“And you’re sure that he is your son?”

“Without a doubt, I can feel it Leo. You saw him with your own eyes, he looks exactly like me when I was younger. Will you help me brother?”

Leo gives a rueful nod. As much as he didn’t agree with Liam’s decision to keep the truth about Theon from Riley, he also knew it wasn’t his secret to tell. He just hoped this secret won’t come back and bite his brother in the ass.

************************************************

It has been more than a week since Liam left for the states, what was supposed to be a few days trip turned longer than expected.

Riley waited on the other line for Liam to answer her facetime call. The first time she called he didn’t answer, which was unlikely because he usually answer after a few rings and it was around 11pm where Liam was so he shouldn’t be in any meetings. After a few more tries he finally answers.

“Hey you.. you almost gave me a scare there. I’ve been calling for half an hour.”

“Sorry love, I was in the bath and left my phone in the bedroom.”

“A bath huh? But isn’t it almost midnight over there?”

“I’ve had a long day. Apologies love, I’ve been going on about my day I forgot to ask about yours. Is everything okay in Cordonia?”

“Well.. Maxwell hasn’t accidentally blown anything up yet so I guess everything is still fine.” She jokingly said but it was as if Liam was paying attention. “Liam? Are you okay?” He shakes his head giving Riley a weak smile. “Yes, everything is fine. I just had a lot to think about lately.”

“You know you can tell me anything right? We’re in this together.” Liam nodded without replying, there was this moment of awkward silence between them. Riley clears her throat. “So I can’t wait till you get back tomorrow, Madeleine already scheduled an appointment to interview the potential surrogates.”

“Oh I… I completely forgot about that. I’m sorry Riley but it seems I have to extend my stay in the states for a few more days.” He lied, the truth was that he had gotten the result for Theon’s DNA test and he was indeed his son. The news brought him such joy when he found out but was quickly overcome by the guilt of lying to his wife.

“Liam it’s been more than a week what possible reason could there be? You know how important this interview was to us..”

“I know.. I know.. And I promise to make it up to you. Have Madeleine reschedule the interview for next week I promise I’ll be back by then. I’m really sorry but I’m going to have to cut our conversation short, I have an early morning tomorrow. Goodnight Riley, I love you.” He said and hang up before she got a chance to respond.

After Liam hangs up, Riley had a gut feeling like something was wrong. Ever since Liam got to the states he has been acting differently, they usually talk for hours when he is finished with his day but for the past week he would sometimes find an excuse to leave or just text her and say he can’t talk.

************************************************

Drake and Maxwell were at the parlor having some drinks after a day attending meetings with the rest of the council when Riley suddenly barges in.

“I think Liam is cheating on me!” She belts in an exaggerated manner as she enters the room then plops down on one of the couches.

Both Drake and Maxwell gives each other a questionable look before turning back to her with their eyebrows raised.

“Good afternoon to you too.”

“Riley the last thing Liam would do is cheat on you. Now what’s this all about?”

Riley explains everything that has happened over the past week about Liam’s behavior after he left for the states and that she told him she wanted them to have a child via surrogacy.

“What if that’s the reason he is cheating on me? I’m already failing him as a wife and queen by not being able to get pregnant?”

Drake and Maxwell takes a seat next to her, Drake placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. “He is not cheating on you, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to him. I’m sure he’s just had a lot to deal with those diplomats don’t make it easy for him.”

“Drake’s right, don’t you worry little blossom.” Maxwell reassures her then wipes a tear from her cheeks. “Hey I know why don’t you go to New York and surprise him instead? I’m sure he’ll be thrilled!”

Riley stifles a cry. “I wish I could but I have tons of upcoming meetings that require my attention.”

“Then give us your schedule and well take it from here. No but’s…” Drake said firmly.

Riley hesitates at first but she knew there was no going against the two when they joined forces. She smiles and gives both Drake and Maxwell a grateful hug. “Thank you.”

After that the three headed to Liam’s office where his assistant Nicholas was sitting in the front desk just outside. When Riley ask about Liam schedule for the rest of the week he gives her a puzzled look. He explained that there was a meeting in New York but it ended a few days ago and Liam didn’t attend but Hakim did instead.

“HE WHAT?!” She snaps, now she definitely thinks he is cheating on her. How could he do this?

“Mam, I’m sure there’s an explanation.”

“Oh there’s gonna be an explanation alright!” She turns on her heels and stomps out, Drake and Maxwell follows after her all the way to her office where she paces back and forth, frustration written all over her face.

“Riley wait!” She shushes them with her finger while she dials a number on her phone. “Hey, I need your help.”

************************************************

After finding out that Liam had lied about what he was doing in the states Riley had Olivia help track his cell for his whereabouts, she knew that Bastien wouldn’t help her because he was obviously helping Liam. It took a few hours but they finally managed to track his cell all the way to LA.

“Isn’t Leo living in LA? Maybe he is there visiting Leo?” Drake said trying to convince Riley not to jump to any conclusion until there is proof.

“Then why would he feel the need to hide it from me?” No!” She waves her hand dismissively. “Something is not right.” Riley knew what she had to do she would have to go to LA, find her husband and get the truth once and for all.

*************************************************

Riley asked another favor from Olivia to borrow her private jet instead of using the Royal jet, thinking if she did Bastien would find out and tell Liam and she didn’t want him to know what she had coming for him.

She made Drake and Maxwell to swear and keep their mouth shut.

“I’m going to LA to find Liam and I’ll be flying with The Nevrakis jet to avoid suspicion from Bastien. No one must know of this and if they ask you will tell the staff and the royal guard that the queen is away with duchess Olivia on a short spa trip and does not wish to be disturbed. I’m leaving the two of you to keep things in check while I’m away and I need the two of you to swear not to breathe a word of this to Liam are we clear?” She said in a stern voice pointing at both the men who gave each other a look then nods. “Say you swear it on your balls so much as if you break your promise you’ll lose them.”

“What? Riley I’m not gonna swear on my…”

“Swear it Drake!”

“Geez! ok fine! I swear to lose my balls if I so much so say even one word about this to Liam and anybody” Riley smiled trying to hide a giggle then turns to Maxwell pointedly with her hands on her hips. “You too agent breakdance.”

Maxwell chuckles “Hey, you don’t have to tell me twice. I like my balls where they currently are, attached to me and fully functional.”

“Good then I’ll see the two of you in a day or two.” She closes her suitcase and turns on her heels towards the door, looking over her shoulder before she leaves. “Try not to burn anything while I’m away.”

“Heard that Drake, she was talking about you.”

Drake gives Maxwell a sarcastic eye roll. “Sure she was.”

*************************************************

Riley stepped on to the front porch of the Victorian home where one of Olivia’s spies managed to track Liam down, she could feel her hands tremble feeling a bit hesitant to give the doorbell ring. What if she didn’t like what was behind those doors? Why was her husband her in a house she didn’t know existed until now? Better yet why did he feel the need to lie about where he really was? She sucks in a deep breath and exhaling calmly before finally having the courage to press that golden plated button.

She felt like she was holding her breath forever when the door opens up and a petite young woman with dark hair and tanned skin stood in front of her. “I’m sorry miss are you looking for someone?” The woman asked with a confused look on her face.

“I uh…” I must have the wrong address? She thought but just then a familiar face steps behind the woman. “Leah, is something wrong?” Liam asked when he sees Riley standing at the threshold,his eyes go wide open. Her nostrils flare and her eyes narrowing at him while her fist curl into a ball of fury. “Riley love, I can explain it’s not what it seems.” He sputters and takes a step back holding his hands up defensively.

“After everything we’ve been through, how could you?!” She barges in with her voice raised, she pushes Liam so hard he almost stumbles back. “I gave you everything and you go behind my back and cheat on me with some other woman!”

“Cheat? Riley no I would never! Leah is just a friend there’s more to this I swear if you just listen…” SMACK! Riley’s hands immediately connects to Liam’s cheeks before he could finish his sentence.

“Daddy what’s going on?” Theon walks into the foyer after hearing the commotion, he looks frightened and confused. “Daddy who is this?”

Daddy? Riley glances at the boy, who looks exactly like a younger version of her husband. Suddenly she could feel her heart beating rapidly and her head spinning. It was like she way losing the oxygen in her lungs and couldn’t breathe soon after she falls to the floor and everything turns pitch black.

*************************************************

Riley’s eyes slowly fluttered open with a ringing pain in her head. Was it all a dream? A terrible nightmare that she just woke up from? She presses her hand on her forehead and let out a soft groan, she turns to her right a sees a blurry shape of her husbands figure in front of her. “Liam?”

“Riley, love. How had a slight fall and hit your head on the floor.”

“Liam, I had this bad dream. I caught you cheating then we fought and there was this little boy who looked just like you.” She stops when she notices the expression on her husbands face, then it made her realize. “It wasn’t a dream was it?” Her voice starts cracking. “My love, please let me explain.” He pleads reaching for her hand but she swipes it away looking the other way. She couldn’t stand to see him, not if he cheated not if he was going to lie to her again.

“Riley, I didn’t cheat on you. But I have been keeping a secret from you and I’ll explain everything if you’d just look at me and listen.” He said in a tired voice. Riley finally meets his eye looking at him pointedly with her arms crossed. “Then explain and tell me the truth, is that boy your son?”

“Yes he is. Leo had the DNA test done and we had the result yesterday.”

“Leo knew? Who else? Bastien?”

“No. Just Leo.” Liam finally tell Riley the truth about everything that’s been going on, about how he met Theon’s mother a few years before he met her. How she kept Theon a secret from him all those years and that he only found out about him when she passed. He told her why he had to keep the secret from her until he was truly sure what to do with the situation. Riley quietly listen not saying anything after, her expression unreadable. “Love, please say something. I understand if your mad and I don’t expect you to forgive me but I had no choice.”

Riley closes her eyes trying to gather her thoughts before she finally opens them and speaks. “I’m not mad that you had a one night stand all those years ago before we met or that you have a son because of that night. I’m just disappointed and hurt that you couldn’t trust me enough to tell me all of this from the beginning. Did you really think that if I knew about your son that I would ask you to abandon him? Do you really think that low me?”

“Off course not, I think is would never think that of you.” He answers taking her hand in his. “I was just worried about how you would feel, you’ve already been through enough with the press and the whole thing about being unable to produce an heir. I just didn’t want to add to the stress.”

“I’m a grown woman Liam, I can take care of myself and I certainly can handle any truth you throw at me. Yes this information is a lot to process considering how I found out about it.” Never in a million years did she ever think the two of them would be in this position. “But no matter what we’ll get through this together like we always do. Just promise next time no more secrets.”

Liam leans in and kisses Riley on the forehead a slight feeling of relief. “I promise, so where do we go from here?”

“We go back to Cordonia and bring Theon with us.” She answers with a soft smile and Liam’s expression is somewhere between surprised and relieved at the same time. “Are you sure?”

Rileys gives him an assuring nod taking his hand in hers. “Theon deserves to be with his father, he deserves to be with family. With us.”

“Have I ever told you that you are the best wife ever?” He smiles.

Rileys chuckles. “You have but it never gets old. Now, I believe it’s time you introduce me to someone?

*************************************************

Incase anyone wants to be added or removed let me know.

@charliejane-blog @dcbbw @hopefulmoonobject @cmestrella @pixieferry @lodberg @traeumerinwitzhelden @romanticatheart-posts @gnatbrain @the-soot-sprite @texaskitten30 @ao719 @emceesynonymroll @jessiembruno @desiree---1986 @zaffrenotes @kinkykingliam @jlpplays1 @indiacater @fluffy-marshmallow-heart @queenjilian @annekebbphotography @thecordoniandiaries @rainbowsinthestorm @cordonianroyalty @lauradowning29 @msjr0119 @janezillow @heauxplesslydevoted @innerpostmentality @kingliam2019

[lemon-drizzzle]

The List

This is part 1

A/N This is my first time doing one of these, so feedback is appreciated. I’m also a young writer who is still in school so part 2 might take some time to get posted. I’ll post it as soon as it’s done. You can also get this on Wattpad (I’m planning on releasing a new story soon on there) I always post first on Wattpad.

SUMMARY: Jeremey moves to a new town for his junior year of high school. He thinks he is moving because of his moms hub, but that is far from the truth. On his first day he meets a girl, Smithy, who everybody is scared of. Walking home with her he finds out a huge secret. Will he side with the town, or Smithy?

Junior year was just supposed to be normal. This was my third time moving to a new school because of mom's job, so I had gotten used to it. The looks you got when first walking in, identifying the social hierarchy, how to blend into the crowd. Each group is easy to identify, the popular boys and girls are the easiest, the girls are in their skin-tight cropped clothing and many in letterman jackets belong to their boyfriends, the boys in their sports jerseys. The nerds in nicer clothing, or shirts with messages and jokes on them, goths in eye makeup and band t-shirts. Then there was one girl who didn't seem to fit into any group, at first I thought she was the laughing stock of the school, the sad one who gets bullied, but she seemed happy and people stayed away from her. The bell rang and I went to my first class, calculus, I sat down next to a dark-skinned boy with short hair. "Hey, I'm Winston" he introduced himself leaning over to me.

    "Hi, I'm Jeremy," I replied hesitating a bit before continuing "whos that girl over there"? I gestured towards the girl that I saw in the hallway before, she was wearing black ankle boots, high waisted dark jeans with a gray shirt tucked in and over the top of it all a gray cardigan with the tip a slight red color with black wavy hair a few inches past her shoulders. She was pushing a sharp pencil into the pad of her thumb.

    "That's Smithy, she scares everyone, she's not quite right up here". Winston said tapping his temple. "I recommend you stay away from her. I heard she killed a guy. I mean after her parents died her cousin came to take care of her, and he kind of forced her to do you know what with him, she changed after that".

    "Oh..."

I went through my next few classes thinking about Smithy. I mean who could even do that to someone. I thought I had a troubled past, you know, losing my dad at seven, but this was a whole new level of intense.

At lunch, I was looking for a seat. I spotted Winson but all seats at his table were taken, so my only two options were one alone at an empty table or one across from Smithy. I walked over to Smithy, and I'm not going to lie, I was a bit scared after what Winston told me. When I put my tray down across from her she looked up at from moving her food around hers. At first, she looked confused then gave me an unsettling grin "You're not scared of me, I assume someone would have told you about me by now".

"I mean I am a little bit scared," I confessed, rubbing the back of my neck "what's that on your cardigan, is it, blood"?

"No"? She responded

"That isn't the sort of question you should be answering with another question".

"I don't have the time to keep track of the types of bodily fluids that are released onto my clothing, it just happens naturally."

" What sort of activities cause strange bodily fluids to be released unknowingly onto your clothing"?

"I can't tell you that". This was the first time that I actually got a good look at her face, she was paler than most and had a few freckles scattered across her cheekbones. Her voice had a very slight English accent, the type that most wouldn't notice if they weren't paying attention, and spoke in an eerily soothing, smooth, and slowed down tone. "Any way you probably already know this, but I'm Smithy."

"Jeremy Artison" I reached my hand out to shake hers. Her interest peaked when I said my last name. When she reached her hand out for mine I noticed the pads off all her fingers and gauze was wrapped around her palm. "I don't understand why people are so scared of you, you seem nice"?

She laughed and simply said, "Give it a few days and you'll be just like the rest of them, hiding and running for your life."

My next few classes were simple. In English a woman came into the classroom and left with Smithy, she didn't come back for the rest of the class.

The day was over and I needed to walk home. I heard my phone buzz and I went into my backpack to get it out. A text from Mom. 'I will be working late tonight, get yourself some food and to bed, love you'. It seemed funny that they were keeping her late during her first few weeks on the job, the hospital must be busy.

I looked around at the other kids leaving the school for a few seconds before heading the direction my new home was. I saw a familiar girl walking in the same direction, Smithy. I ran ahead to meet up with her, "You heading home"?

"In a way," she replied looking up from the ground "I don't really like going home, so I kind of," she paused and stopped for a moment "Do my own thing, then sneak through the window into my room later".

I nodded before an idea sprung into my head, "Hey, my Mom won't be home until later, the hospital's busy, maybe we could do something together"?

"I would like to change, and shower". She said shyly.

"Hm"?

"I don't feel safe changing and all that with my cousin around, I usually only get to do that once a week or so when he goes out". She looked back at the ground.

"Oh, you can shower and change at my house, as much as you need my mom won't mind". She nodded. We walked the rest of the way only saying a few words here and there.

When we walked into our neighborhood, she pointed at a blue house a few down from mine, "That's mine there, take this I'll be right back". She tossed me her backpack and walked towards her house. She started scaling the side of her house. She pushed open one of the windows on the deck floor.

While she was in the house I couldn't help but notice a peice of paper sticking out of her backpack. I picked up the piece of paper, unfolded it, and read it. It was a list of names, about 20. The first 9 were crossed off, I didn't recognize them. As the list went on I vaguely recognized many of them, but the last name was very familiar to me. Meagan Artison, my mom. A panic flooded over me as I realized what it was. A hit list.

[sweetnestor]

You Look Happier | Chapter 9

university au, teamiplier + jack

platonic/romance/angst/(smut at one point but it’ll only be on ao3)

previous chapter

“Run that by me again?”  I asked, shocked.

Mark was a little taken aback at my outburst. “I want you to be involved in this project. You’ll get to work with all of us. You’ve been… an inspiration to me. I understand it sounds a little-”

“Invasive,” I finished, folding my arms. “You’re basing your alter ego, one that your fans worship, off of my personal struggles, and-”

“That’s why I’m giving you control over that particular thing. You can’t expect me to call off this project, there’s already so much that’s gone into it!” Mark argued. “And you’re the one who inspired a majority of what this ego is! Don’t you remember you telling me your ideas a couple years ago?”

“I was drunk and destructive!” I shot back. I paced his living room, fuming. “That was me venting, that wasn’t for your creative process! God, I should have known! This was why you started talking to me again, right? You just wanted something from me!”

“Now hold on-”

“You were just manipulating me! And I fell for it, como una pinche pendeja! No lo puedo creer!”

“Listen to me!” Mark snapped, his voice booming. Then he brought it down a notch. “If you don’t want to be involved in this project, then fine. It’s going to happen with or without you. But I have never tried to manipulate you into anything! I promise you, I would never do something like that.”

I didn’t say anything to that. My defensiveness only rose higher. He had to be lying. He brought me back into his life just as he started working on this project that included the alter ego that was the representation of my dark and intrusive thoughts. That had to be the only reason why he contacted me.

“Alright, you know what?” Mark spitefully said. “Wait until the videos come out. You’ll see what manipulation is. You’ll see the difference between me and whatever you’re feeling right now.”

Rolling my eyes, I grabbed my purse and left his house. I couldn’t believe how stupid I was to fall for any of this. He just needed me for something, and then he would leave again. He didn’t want to be friends again. Why would he want to be friends with me?

I came home to an empty apartment. I didn’t have any classes to keep me busy today, and the only two people I talked to had their own things to worry about. I was alone again.

But then I thought about Ethan. He was apart of Mark’s big project. Was he apart of the “Manipulating Bella” plan? Did Mark tell Ethan to pretend to date me to let my guard down, just so Mark could sneak in and take more away from me? Was that all I was to them?

My phone was pulled out of my pocket, and I was typing a frantic message to Ethan as I paced around the living room. “I know what you’re doing and I’m not stupid enough to fall for it! Mark already told me what was going on and what he wanted from me! Never talk to me-”

Suddenly, I stopped typing. Was I going to dump him so abruptly? Over a text?

That’s what he deserves, said the bad voice in my head.

Does he, though? Did this really make any sense?

Quickly, I backspaced and wrote out a different message. “Do you actually like me?” Too desperate, try again. “What do you think of me?” That’s better. I hesitated for a moment before sending it.

The time it took for him to reply went agonizingly slow. I continued pacing and rubbing my hands together, and then nearly screamed when someone knocked on the door. I had a fleeting moment of sheer panic, but then the lightbulb going off in my head made me relax again. But then I wanted to smack myself in the forehead. Ethan was supposed to come over today. That meant we were going to have quite the conversation.

“Did you get my text?” was the first thing I said to him. My mind was starting to spiral, and I had to come back to earth before I impulsively dumped him.

“Um, yeah. I’m glad I came over, actually,” he replied, entering the vicinity. “Is everything okay?”

There were so many things I was feeling, I couldn't put any of them into a coherent sentence. I couldn't lie and say I was fine, either. Ethan had already seen my text, and I couldn't keep the worried look off my face. I walked towards the living room with him following after me.

“So what do you think of me?” I asked, but then I had to explain. “I know I probably sound insane and I'm sorry, but I'm… I feel like…” I paused, not know which emotion to express. “I feel like I'm freaking out over nothing?”

He looked worried, but also confused. “Um… did something happen?”

This wasn't helping. “Do you still like me?”

“Yeah, of course,” he said without hesitating.

“Why?”

He shrugged lightly, like this was no big deal to him. “‘Cause… you get me. And you're funny and talented and… you're patient with me. I don't know, it's not coming out the way it is in my head. There's a lot of reasons.”

I nodded. I knew he had trouble getting his words together. I knew that feeling all too well. “Can you… tell me I'm being paranoid?”

“You're being paranoid,” he said like it was a question. “Bella, what happened?”

Now I was hesitating. A huge ball of emotion and tears were stuck in my throat. I needed someone to tell me that I was being stupid, that the anxiety was playing with me again, because I couldn’t trust myself to calm down alone. Ethan was here, and he wasn’t scared off yet.

I sighed, and then I explained what went down with Mark earlier in the day. Somehow, I didn’t cry, but my speech was shaky and frantic. “...a-and you work for him, and I had a moment of…”

“You think I would manipulate you?” he finished in disbelief. “I’d never do that, I promise.”

“Promise is a big word that adds pressure,” I said.

“Well… I would never do anything to hurt you. You gotta trust me.”

Trust? Don’t know her. Don’t like her… but I have to play nice with her. No more shutting people out. I talked about this so I could feel better and come to some sort of solution.

I nodded lightly. “I’m trying.”

“Okay. Trying counts as progress.” He paused. “I… I know things like this aren’t easy for you… but I’m glad you were able to tell me.”

What is it about Ethan that makes these things less difficult? A year ago, I could barely tell Mark what I wanted for dinner, much less be intimate with him. Maybe things were better off this way.

~

A few days later, it was Jack’s birthday. I had gotten him a bundle of Overwatch merch (like he needed more) and then… we went to Mark’s house for a little celebration. The only reason why I went was because it’s my best friend, and I reminded myself of the time he ditched his other friends at Thanksgiving because of me. Also, Ethan was there. So were Tyler, Kathryn, and Amy. To them, I was only there because of Jack, but it wasn’t as awkward as I had anticipated.

“Did you have a good birthday?” I asked once we were back in the car.

“Yeah,” Jack replied, still high from the euphoria and the drinks he had. “It was fun. Were you okay? I noticed you didn’t drink at all.”

“I had to drive,” I said. “And I did this for you. Plus, I didn’t have a panic attack, so that’s cool.”

“It was a great day!” Jack cheered, throwing his arms up. “Let’s get ice cream!”

I giggled. “Whatever the birthday boy wants.”

“In that case, let’s also get a yacht and twelve puppies!”

After going to a Sonic drive-thru, I took us home. It was late in the evening, and I was mildly exhausted from all the interaction. But Jack was still a bundle of energy, like always. When we sat on the couch, I took out my phone and posted an old selfie of us on Instagram with a heartfelt happy birthday caption. I hadn't checked my social media all day, but I could guess that I was probably getting yelled at for not publicly wishing my friend a happy birthday.

“So how was it pretending not to be Ethan's girlfriend?” asked that particular friend.

“Easy, because you were there,” I replied, still scrolling on my phone.

“Why didn't you guys tell everyone? It seemed like the perfect time,” Jack mused. “They were all there.”

I chuckled. “I'm not stealing your thunder on your birthday.”

“I wouldn't have minded! Now you guys have to pretend to not be dating when we're all together for a weekend,” he said.

That was true. Another thing that happened at the party was Mark, Tyler, and Ethan's idea for all of us to take a trip to the Grand Canyon at the end of the month. Don't get me wrong, I was still salty at Mark about the Darkiplier thing. If it wasn't for Ethan and Jack, then I would have turned down the trip. A weekend with the friends Mark abandoned me for? It sounded like a nightmare. But I was trying to be a bigger, stronger person.

“Hmm, do you think Mark would be mad if I told him about me and Ethan?” I wondered, leaning back so I was slouching.

Jack thought about it. “Well, he was mad when he found out you and I were friends, and we didn’t even try to hide that.”

I chewed my lip nervously. “Oh man. And you guys aren’t as close anymore because of that?”

“I wouldn’t say that. He threw a party for me, and we had a good time. Sometimes friends grow distant for a little bit. And besides… he hurt you pretty bad. But time goes on.”

After all this time, I still didn’t understand how Jack picked me over Mark, but I didn’t feel like getting into that. My mind was too clogged up for any more overthinking. I was already less sad about life and being alive, I didn’t want to soil it with my own intrusive thoughts.

We continued on with the week, already accustomed to our YTU schedules. Awake and out of the house by seven. Drop off Jack. Go back home and sleep. Breakfast is optional. Seeing the boyfriend is also optional. Classes from twelve to four. Dinner by six. Spend the rest of the day with either the bestie or the boyfriend.

One day, though, I got out of my psych lecture when Ethan had some downtime. We met up on the courtyard and walked around the area, keeping a decent distance apart. There were lurkers and gossip channels all over. Not that anyone paid any attention to us, I was just mildly paranoid. Plus, on some gossip channels, I was still painted as ‘Markiplier’s Crazy Ex-Girlfriend,’ so that’s fun.

“Have you made any new friends?” I asked as we strolled by the fountain.

“Yeah, I talk to some people in my classes,” he replied. “Well, in one class. I have Mark and Amy in video production and bio.”

“Cool,” I said, even though I was surprised to hear about those two. Didn’t know Mark decided to come back, and to bring his non-YouTuber girlfriend with him. “My biology class requires group work, and I’m trying really hard not to drop the course.”

“Aw, no. Do you talk to anyone at all?”

I shook my head. “I could literally be failing the class and I won’t ask for help or anything.”

“Whoa… wait. So, being in a room full of people is really stressful for you, right?”

“Yeah.”

“So then… why did you enroll here in the first place?”

There was a huge story behind that, but I stuck with the short answer. “My followers.”

I stopped in my tracks when my phone rang. My stomach sank when I discovered a new Twitter DM from someone named ‘Peebles.’ Oh crap, today’s the day.

“So, um,” I said to Ethan, unable to tear my eyes away from the screen, “did I tell you that Amy wanted to meet up with me?”

“Really?” he asked, surprised. “Now?”

I nodded, reading over the message. “She wants to meet at The Tube in about an hour.”

“Are you nervous?”

“Always.”

“Hey,” Ethan said, putting his hand on my shoulder, “it’ll be okay. I know Amy, she’s really cool once you get to know her. And she’s really nice, and she’s probably just as nervous as you are.”

I took a deep breath. “Okay. Okay… it’s fine. This is fine.”

“Do you need a distraction or something?”

“Yes please.”

“Wanna drop me off at the office?”

It was a good idea. Driving took my mind off of things. Although, it was a fairly short ride from campus to the office, and Ethan had to get out of the car quickly just in case the blonde alien lady left the building. Although, he did quickly duck back in to kiss me goodbye, and then he went on his way to the office.

Getting to The Tube was a bit more stressful, because I didn’t have anyone to talk me down from the oncoming anxiety attack. I was in the parking lot, trying not to hyperventilate. I should have suggested another place to meet up, given that this particular diner didn’t have a nice place in my history. But I was here now, and I couldn’t back out. It would only make things worse.

We met up and sat at a booth. Thankfully, it wasn’t so busy at this hour. Nerves were still pretty high, though. She ordered a coffee, and I stuck with water.

“Sorry I took a while to contact you,” she began. “So much has been going on, there’s this project we’re all working on. It’s taking up a lot of time.”

“Yeah, I heard,” I told her. “Mark was telling me some stuff about it.” And I turned into a mega-bitch, which I was sure he told Amy about.

She nodded. “Yeah… um, how often do you talk to him?”

The reason why we were here: Mark. I shoved my hands under my thighs to keep them from shaking, but then my whole body began to tremble. I made myself rigid to keep myself still. The last thing I need is for my physiological symptoms to show and freak her out.

“Usually, once a week,” I replied. “But he’s been busy, so…”

“And you guys talk about… the past?”

I shrugged. “Yeah. Mistakes we made, moving on. I kind of assumed that he had told you.”

“Yeah, he tells me some things. I know it’s between you guys, so I try not to butt in. I know he’s doing this so he and I can have a better relationship.” She paused. “And he wants to be friends with you.”

“That’s because we were friends before we dated,” I said.

“I know. He would talk about you… like, when we first met.”

Blood began pounding in my ears. If I had eaten anything at all today, I would have thrown it back up. I couldn’t even drink my water.

“He never told me about you,” I softly admitted. “I never knew you existed until he broke up with me.”

Amy’s face fell a little. She leaned back in her seat and stayed quiet.

“I-I mean,” I went on, trying to fill the silence, “it was… it was random, I guess. He very recently told me how long he had known you and I… I suppose it made sense, given how the last couple of months of our relationship were. I don’t know, I just wish I had known about you sooner. Maybe things would have been different. I mean, it still would have hurt, but maybe I wouldn’t have tried to kill myself, I don’t know-”

“Whoa, wait,” Amy suddenly said, sounding concerned and shocked. “What do you mean you tried to kill yourself?”

My eyes widened. For a second, I stayed frozen in my position, my mouth agape. “He never told you?”

“No? Oh my god…” Amy trailed off. “I’m… was it because of him, or us?”

Here we go. Time to hold her hand and not make her feel like a total asshole.

“No,” I replied, but then again I couldn’t lie. “Not necessarily. I’ve had my fair share of bad shit happen, along with my disorders... and for a while, Mark was giving me hope and strength. Then he was gone. But I’m not blaming my shitty mental health on him or your relationship with him. I think…” I sighed as I came to a conclusion that I had to admit. “I think I had it coming with or without the breakup.”

Amy sat there, still looking very distressed and caught off guard. “I-I’m so sorry. I had no idea that happened.”

“Really?” I asked, now confused. “I mean, well, I told him not to tell anyone when it happened, but I assumed that you would have been the exception. Where did you think he was when he disappeared for a couple of weeks?”

“I was still living in Boston. All he told me was that he broke up with you, so I gave him some space until I moved here. I can’t believe he never told me.”

I hesitated. “That’s on me. I asked him to keep it to himself. I realize now that that wasn’t the best idea.”

“Well, I imagine you were in a really dark place,” Amy said solemnly. “It’s not an easy thing to talk about.”

I nodded. “Pretty much.”

The air was awkward all over again. If I had known that Amy never knew about my attempt, I would have kept my mouth shut. Now she knew things about me, personal things. I couldn’t help but feel exposed. It was worse knowing that I had exposed myself in front of the girl that Mark had left me for. It probably wasn’t surprising to her that Mark had decided to dump me.

“So, the Grand Canyon,” Amy said, changing the subject. “You’re really up for that?”

I nodded, despite that her change in tone only added to the nerves. Was it really a good idea for me to go? To all of ‘Teamiplier,’ I was the ex-girlfriend. I was sure to make everything uncomfortable. My presence in general was uncomfortable. Why did I agree to go on this trip?

“Okay, well I hope it’s fun for the both of us.” She smiled.

“Me too.” It’ll only be fun if I could be slightly intoxicated once we got to the park, but lord knows that won’t happen.

~

“Don’t freak out, and don’t get mad okay?” read the text from Ethan.

Honestly, I had taken one step back into my apartment, ready to recover from the day I had. But no, I had to worry and stress even more, just because of the way my boyfriend had worded his text.

“What’s going on?” I replied as I took deep breaths. He wouldn’t break up with me over a text, would he? He wouldn’t tell me anything really serious over a text, right?

Before I could pace in a frantic manner, I got another text.

“Kathryn knows about us. But she won’t tell anyone!”

My eyes widened. I didn’t know how to form a coherent sentence, so I just smashed my keyboard and sent the jumble of letters to him. Then, before I could panic, I sent, “How???”

“Can I tell you over dinner?”

“I have to know NOW otherwise I’ll lose my mind over it until I see you.”

My stomach sank further. Any normal person wouldn’t get so twitchy and irrational over something like this. I was aware of this, yet I was still playing terrible scenarios in my head of Mark finding out and then firing Ethan. Or worse, Mark making Ethan choose between his relationship and his career. Oh god, would I be able to handle that?

Ding!

“I had on lip gloss… from when you kissed me in the car… She kept asking about it, so I told her about us and I made her not tell anyone!”

Well shit. This was my fault. I was going to be the reason why we were exposed before we were ready.

“FUCK,” I typed. “Are you sure she won’t say anything? Did she say anything else?”

“I promise she won’t tell. She’s my friend, I swear she’s cool. Look, can I come over? Idk if this is making you anxious, I wanna make sure you’re okay.”

I sighed, now feeling guilty. I was losing my mind over this whether I liked it or not.

“I’m sorry I’m such a mess over this ugh,” I sent.

“It’s okay, you’re my mess ❤”

_______

next chapter

[tvnacity]

If you don't mind me asking how does your sister abuse you? Like, it's hard for me to explain my situation to other people. My brother is my abuser but he's "special needs" so people never understand how he can be and honestly it's so hard and there's so many conflicting emotions. I'm sorry but when I saw your text post about your mom and sister and how she abuses you it made me think of my situation

tl;dr (because my god this reply is insanely long): My sister emotionally abused me by gaslighting and making me feel invalid. She physically abused me as well throughout my whole life. My mom never noticed the severity until I was a teenager, and she never noticed the effects on me, so she started asking me for advice. Since then I’ve basically been a third parent to my sister, and it’s really rough.

Just so you know, my sister doesn’t have any severe mental disabilities. So if you’re looking for advice specifically on that I’m not the best person to ask.

I don’t mind at all!! In the past, she was emotionally abusive to me (making fun of me when I cried, calling me stupid all the time, etc). This is kind of hard to explain without going in depth, because it just sounds like sibling rivalry stuff, but it went so much deeper than that for me as a kid; most of our interactions were negative, and she made me feel like what I was feeling was invalid. Kind of gaslighty. Like, I was stupid for feeling anything at all about what she said or did (and my mom didn’t make it better – more on that later).

She was also physically abusive (I’m not going to go into detail of major events on this blog; if you’re curious, feel free to ask me off anon). Basically there was a lot of violence against me until I was 17. She was prone to temper tantrums (she’d destroy property, throw things, scream bloody murder at all hours, etc) which to me felt the worst?? Like, I felt scared all the time. I felt like a guest in my own home, and I was always jumpy and on edge because holy shit, she’s annoyed, it’ll escalate and she’s gonna come after me.

A really hard part about this was that my sister literally forgot the major events, and some of the minor ones. So if I were to tell her about them now it was like they never happened. She considers me to be one of her closest confidants and I literally cannot stand to be too close to her in a room. It’s so weird and I keep thinking I made it all up even though I know I didn’t.

In the middle of all this (or on the fringe, I suppose) is my mom. She wrote off everything my sister did to me as normal sibling stuff, I think because she didn’t want to realize anything was wrong, and I was the older one. It was always “Oh, Lucy, it’s just as much your fault as hers, you provoked her, after all” which hurt when I knew that wasn’t completely true. So basically I went through most of my childhood with my mom not even noticing how damaging it was. Kids need attention and they need to be heard, and I felt like I wasn’t getting any of that, and my sister was getting all of it.

As time went on, the roles shifted a bit. My mom noticed that my sister had issues when she started destroying property. My sister got sent to boarding schools, etc. And I kind of became a second mom (I was 14 at this time I think)?? Idk, I guess I’m kind of mature, and I can see things from all angles, and I think my mom appreciated it. So she started asking me for advice on what to do, asking me a ~sister’s insight~ and she’s never really stopped. It’s a strange feeling. I never wanted to relate to my sister from that parental perspective because she’s never tried to stand in my shoes (and it felt wrong, I mean we are 13 months apart).I kind of liked it though, sometimes. Being trusted like that and being a source of info that my mom didn’t have, but it’s ultimately bad, I think. It kind of caused me to grow up too fast. I mean, my mom and stepdad call me the “junior parent” wtf. What sucks is I’m actually good at it, too. Like, the advice usually works.

Even now, especially now that I’ve gone to college, this still happens. It’s strange. My mom never paid attention to me as a kid and now that she does it’s still about my sister. She keeps pushing me to forgive her too, which is rough because I really don’t think my mom understands how damaged I feel after all that even now.

So yeah, I’m sorry to hear about your situation, and I really hope it gets better for you

[myvelouri]

Wow I was actually crying.

My head hurts.

The antibiotics I'm taking for my recurring staph is killing me. That staph + strep combo I keep getting is no joke. I'm OUT a good 2 weeks, I'm in excruciating pain with a fever of 104. It's bad. I'm so scared of getting it again. It's gross too.

This other issue that's huge now. I have a virus, a skin infection, there's like 50 weird bumps on my groin, it's disgusting. I paid so much money out of pocket (I have no Health insurance) and am nearly back in debt. It's so expensive. I went to a general doctor and then a dermatologist. They both said it's the same thing. And it is. It looks just like it when you Google it. It's fucking vile. The issue is it's highly contagious, I can spread it to anywhere on my body. I'm neurotic and constantly washing my hands, very careful to not touch things, careful when I have to go pee. I'm doing a whole bunch of tedious steps for basic things and it's stressing me out..like I have to actually pee right now, but the amount of steps that would take is making me just not. I just can't. I get neurotic and wash my hands after every step. I do not want this to spread.

There was only like 5 bumps I think originally. But I shaved my groin, was grooming it as I do. Yeah well shaving caused it to spread like a mother fucker omg. That's what I'm dealing with now... I haven't gotten any new bumps since then though...

But this is murder. They say it takes anywhere from 6 months to 4+ years for it to go away, if ever.

Dude I will kill myself

I can't masturbate, I cant have sex, I can't live comfortably because I have to neurotically clean and be cautious of every thing I touch, I cant shower normal, it's so fucking much, and to do this for months?! YEARS?!

I'm also sad that my family, some of my relatives who always used to comment or reply on my stuff have stopped. They don't like me anymore. I've just been more distant but I still texted and messaged some of them. I was close with one cousin and she was the one who'd always compliment me and say she loves my post or profile pic and we'd joke. Um, she stopped completely and actually it's probably been 2+ years like that. I'm fucking pissed that all of my family decided to just stop interacting with me. I didn't stop. I always responded or messaged and joked..maybe I'd have a few weeks in between of no talking, but wtf. I noticed they stopped talking ever since I got a GF but it might be coincidental. I think they are offended by me because I don't go to their place anymore or something.

I don't know. Fuck family. I only have my immediate family and that's all I need. I'm so tired of mind games and social bullshit, if you all want to outcast me then don't expect me to go to your fucking wedding and shit. I won't go. I'm so bothered by them. I'm very real and genuine, I'm not playing this bullshit, I'm cutting you the fuck out if this shit persists. Fuck off. Fuck you, I'm pissed I even ever got close to anyone. I think I can be pissed about this, I've known them my whole life. That's a long time.

Anyway

My head is KILLING me

I'm so bitter and angry. I feel so gross and dirty. I don't want to go to work... I don't even want to do anything at all, my mind is consumed by this skin virus... The not knowing is killing me, will it go away in months? In years? Hello? Omfg.

I stopped drinking though. I feel forced to... I'm trying to get my immune system back up. This virus is like that, the immune system doesn't see it for some reason, it takes a long time before it does and so you've got to have a strong immune system.

I just

Why me

Why?

My dick already fucking sucks in all aspects, my body fucking sucks, ffs I break out badly and get permanent scars on my face if I am sexually active too often and I already limit myself and hold myself back from fully enjoying myself sexually so I don't break out. I don't know why that happens but it just does. My dick doesn't even get fully fucking hard already, and it's not a porn star dick, if even average, like holy shit I'm ALREADY riddled with the WORST luck a man can have with that... AND THEN YOU THROW A FUCKING SKIN VIRUS ON MY JUNK??! WTF

Fuck the universe and it's mom.