#but also i just want to see him constantly. thank u dr sex.

[friendamedes]

pal from gtn

PALAMEDES SEXTUS MWAH MWAH

[frosty-the-killer-doll]

Caitlin snow headcannon list? /nf

oh autism

ACTIVATED

polyamorous biromantic sex-repulsed asexual! per my Arrowverse Polycule AU, Cait is currently in relationships with: Ronnie (married), Cisco (queerplatonically), Iris, Eddie, Felicity, Patty, Frost, Kara, Kate and E-2 Killer Frost. i may be forgetting some people

traumagenic mutahuman plurality, formally diagnosed with DID. does not see Frost as a sibling figure. Frost is her intra-system GIRLFRIEND thank you very much. khione is like a baby sister figure to her tho.

listen fuck canon with its body splitting shit, shut UPP, that never happened<3

still sees Dr. Finkel regularly

has depression and post-traumatic stress and occasional panic attacks

this is canon but said canon kinda sweeps it under the rug: post-Thomas pulling his bullshit, Caitlin was heavily neglected by Carla.

in a support groupchat with other Arrowverse systems like Frankie, Mona and Sam. this includes empty systems like Alice

freckles!!!!

thanks to Frost she is immune to the cold even when Frost isn't fronting AND before she was even aware of Frost's existence

she doesn't have a codename, which is fucking rude, but personally I headcanon that her codename is Crystal

her middle name is Louise

AUTISM!

on her own, she basically only watches horror movies, but only likes them if they're accurate anatomy-wise. she can and will write multiparagraph reviews on everything the death scenes got right vs everything the death scenes got wrong

former history of self-harm, med school was... very hard mentally

growing up, Carla always pressured and planned for Caitlin to pursue a career at Tannhauser Industries. eventually Caitlin stood up to her and they had a huge fight where a lot of childhood things were brought up, Caitlin said some stuff about Thomas, Carla hit her and Caitlin left. Rachel Rosso took Caitlin in and let her live with her and Ramsey for about four years after this. Ramsey was her brother figure and best friend before their fight over Rachel recommending Caitlin to STAR Labs instead of him. that's when Caitlin moved out into her current condo.

SHE was the one that asked Ronnie out, after pining away in awkward secrecy for so many moons. Ronnie moved in with her not long after and they lived in separate rooms bc they felt like it

(trigger warning for SA with this one) during the time she spent in captivity being held by Zoom, he repeatedly raped her and she didn't reveal it happened for a long time. thus she is also in a support groupchat for other Arrowverse survivors of SA

when she was arrested, Iris wrote a shitton of stories calling for her release

doesn't want kids

had a special interest in botany during her high school years. cough cough

likes Law And Order. cough cough

binging the Friday the 13th franchise is her guilty pleasure. cough cough

takes her coffee black with a blueberry flavor shot!!

she gets lipstick on her teef from her lip biting habit

TOTALLY had a crush on Bette Sans Souci and went on a date or two with Eliza Harmon

she canonically likes OITNB, and has a giant crush on Stella Carlin. she constantly tells Kate how much they look like her

still carries a blood collection kit in her purse, always

hates when her name gets misspelled. she will fight u

whereas her friends call her "Cait" and Frost calls her "Caity," Kate calls her "Lin"

grumpy that she doesn't have a Jitters drink named after her like EvErYoNe eLsE!!!! >:c

has a whole morning and nightly routine that must be followed that may or may not include complete pajama sets, sleepytime tea and fluffy slippers

kinda misses having a pet gorilla ngl

she never fucking DIED i'm PHYSICALLY FIGHTING CANON just like frost never DIED either okay. LISTEN KHIONE CAME TO EXISTENCE THROUGH DIFFERENT FUCKERY OKAY.

many more but again, this is so fucking long. if u want more headcanons abt the other members of the Snow System, just ask❤️

[reginaldqueribundus]

having a fun friday looking back at some of my star trek tags

#big riker milkers

#every morning quark's wardrobe chose violence

#bi riker or 'biker' if you will is much more important

#i mean riker was on a klingon ship for 0.005 seconds and a klingon woman announced she was going to jump his bones

#riker was tonguing worf's ridges as soon as he heard the words 'men kiss'

#and he used worf's strap-on to do it

#everybody who meets picard ends up with a dead wife

#suck on that jean luc

#it wasn’t his obsidian order implant it was the aggravation of having to watch quark mix horizonal stripes with leopard print day after day

#'hello luffy my name is elim garak and i work for cp9'

#w-when will Bashir-senpai notice me??

#ah yes better give myself the most magnum dong in the quadrant

#so now on top of everything else the bajoran vedek assembly is excommunicating sisko for blasphemy

#i thought 'why are all these clones of mccoy surrounding jim kirk as he pees

#worf i'd like you to meet the woman who fucked me to death

#GIVE. WORF. A JETPACK.

#they probably hooked the orb of time up to the holomatrix so they could go back and fight khan noonien singh or something

#cbs please give us a miniseries about molly and kyoshi o'brien dealing with their family curse

#imagine being trapped in the delta quadrant and the only version of cats you have access to is the 2019 movie

#when u order ur captain picard from wish

#not that i give af what gene thinks

#after all we got to see all of its terrible 1960s takes on gender

#some discussion of michael that isn't just blatant racism

#dr. b's foot fetish strikes again

#how the hell did voyager still manage to have more lines by men???

#the *real* miracle tech of star trek isn't the transporters or warp drive#it's their flawless voice recognition systems

#yeah but you also got your ass whooped by 2 ferengi carrying medieval swords

#star trek is absurd enough it doesn't need a giant buddha running starfleet thank you very much

#she was a wagon#(she had wheels you see)

#some people just see a lizard with marc alaimo's voice and go bug wild#and that's valid

#that awkward moment when your former boss killed your new boss's wife#while possessed by robo zombies

#the captain looks at me funny because i'm the reincarnation of his recently deceased best friend#my past life's klingon ex-husband gets upset if i try to date#and OH YEAH there's a murderer in my head advising me to kill people with this prototype teleportation rifle

#i too must acknowledge that problematic outfit yes but also seven very beautiful hnnngh

#they fight all the time but they also consider it foreplay so like? i guess they're just constantly flirting with each other 24/7

#has like 30 planets that are all identical to earth except everyone is gangsters nazis etc#and aliens who die if they don't get laid every 7 years#don't take them too seriously

#disco misses the mark in some ways#but holy god can we talk about *that* instead of your crippling fear of feminism#please i just want to have one (1) conversation about the show that doesn't involve the word 'sjws'

#i'm a vulcan kinny now i guess

#michael singing 'let it go' as she flies around in her angel suit

#tilly hitting osyraa with a frying pan

#poor sweet neelix would just go see the funny singing cat movie with zero clue that he's supposed to mock it or hate it

#LET HIM HAVE WEIRD TENTACLE SEX YOU COWARDS

i cannot choose a favourite

[lemonyagrumes]

Can this b for FellSwap Gold Sans, FellSwap Gold Papyrus, Horror FellSwap Gold Sans, Horror FellSwap Gold Papyrus, Lust FellSwap Gold Sans, and Lust FellSwap Gold Papyrus?:

Are they cuddly with an s/o? What kind of cuddles do they do/ favorite position?

(if u wanna add this with it: How would they be with a little spoon cuddly s/o who likes sleepy cuddles?)

Hello! Thank you for being the very first ask! I'm so excited! I see you are a fellow Fellswap Gold fan.

All of my boys are pansexual so they love everybody no matter what!

Champagne (Fellswap Gold Sans):

Champagne may not seem like it, but he secretly loves cuddles! This gentleman has no shame in being the little spoon. If you desire to be the big spoon he is all for it! In fact he loves it! He enjoys the feeling of you wrapped around him and being comforted in your scent and your warmth. If you want to be the little spoon, he wraps his arms around you and nuzzles into your neck.

Caffiene (Fellswap Gold Papyrus):

Caffiene has sensory issues that may make it difficult for him to be held too tightly and he doesn't like rough fabrics. But if you can work with him he is a big cuddler! He prefers to be the little spoon and both of you have to be wearing softer fabrics. Though if you insist he will be the big spoon.

Moscato (Horrorfellswap Gold Sans):

Moscato has been through physical abuse disguised as "training" from Queen Alphys and then he and Cocoa got into a terrible battle with her, and if anyone besides Cocoa touches him he freezes and his eyelight disappears as he is reliving his life Underground. Of course he will tell you at the beginning of your relationship that he has a fear of being touched. But when you gain his trust and slowly work with him, He will open up to physical affection such as hand holding, hugging, and kissing. And then he will realize that not all touch will hurt him. After that he is back to his old cuddlebug self. And you now have the respect of Cocoa.

Cocoa (Horrorfellswap Gold Papyrus):

Cocoa still has the same sensory issues, except he lost one of his arms in the fight between him, Moscato and Queen Alphys when she brutally tore it from his body as a trophy much to the rage of Moscato. He prefers to be the little spoon because he thinks that you will be disappointed in him not cuddling correctly because he only has one arm.

Rosé (Lustfellswap Gold Sans):

Rosé being the captain of the Royal Harem when he was in his Underground has experience with his lays not caring about cuddles and just wanting sex from him. Zoom to now aboveground. He thinks everyone just wants to use him and then throw him away. He is such a romantic guy if the monsters in his past would have gave him more credit and got to know him! Now as he starts falling in love with humans as well he finds that they actually care about romance. He has plenty of cuddle practice. But when he enters a relationship with you. He finally has someone to share cuddles with that have actual feelings instead of obligation cuddles from his past lays. He also makes a point to say that when he is in a relationship, he stays loyal. He doesn't cheat or cuddle with anyone else but his lovely boyfriend/girlfriend/partner. He is a gentleman after all!

Aphrodisiac: (Lustfellswap Gold Papyrus):

Aphrodisiac is a sweet boy though he is known for his many partners in the past in his Underground years where he constantly had terrible heats which he feels very guilty about because he doesn't want to be known as a playboy. So he started ignoring his heats and letting the effects turn negative as his body pains him, he truly wants romance and cuddles with a loved one that he can settle down with. Aboveground, Dr. Undyne developed a medication that lessens the effects of his heats on his body and he starts anew, forgetting his past that he is ashamed of. When he finds you as his first actual relationship he is excited to have someone he can romance by treating with nice dinners and lovely dates that end in cuddles.

[absinthcm-blog]

*  ☆╰  jung hoseok. twenty-five. cismale + he/him  ⁄  if boyeon 'bo' nam had a theme song it would be j'ouvert by brockhampton. the scorpio has been living in los angeles for six years as an actor / model. since then they’ve built a reputation for being charismatic + daring but also hedonistic + blunt. maybe that’s why silk sheets, partying all night, exploring dark alleys & late night snack runs come to mind when i think of them. 

hey demons, it’s me, ya girl, cait, i’m 25, i go by she/her pronouns and i live in cst! i am a hot mess who loves causing her characters pain & angst…. i also love ruining their lives on a daily basis.

this is my trash son boyeon and you can find basic stats / bullet point bio / basic personality info / basic plot ideas & stuff like that for him under the cut! if you want more in depth info message me bc honestly this intro post is … oof !!! 

but i am super excited to be here and i can’t wait to plot with ya’ll & love your babies !!!! if you’d like to plot, please feel free to IM me on here, or add me on discord (  𝓬𝓪𝓲𝓽.#9330 ) OR smash that like and i’ll come to you !!

                                        BASIC INFORMATION.

full name: nam boyeon. nickname(s): bo. age: twenty-five. date of birth: october 31st. birthplace: daegu, south korea. current location: los angeles, california, usa. ethnicity: korean. nationality: korean. gender: cismale. pronouns: he/him/his. orientation: bisexual. occupation: ceo of multiple multi-million dollar corporations. language(s) spoken: english, korean, chinese, japanese, spanish, greek, thai & french.

                                PHYSICAL APPEARANCE.

face claim: jung hoseok ( jhope ) of bts. hair color: changes occasionally, currently crimson red. eye color: brown. height: 5'9". weight: 169. build: athletic. tattoos: n/a. piercings: n/a.

                                             HEALTH.

physical ailments: seasonal allergies. neurological conditions: n/a. allergies: pollen, mold. sleeping habits: 4-5 hours a night, usually restless. eating habits: varies depending on his mood, loves going to small diners to pig out on greasy food but also loves going to very high end restaurants. exercise habits: boxes as a form of exercise, cardio is usually a once a week thing. other than that he figures he moves around enough thanks to his job that he doesn't need extensive workouts. body temperature: normal. addictions: alcohol, tobacco, drugs, sex, gambling. drug use: frequent. alcohol use: frequent.

                                       PERSONALITY. ( PT 1. )

label: the benefactor. positive traits: adventurous, charasmatic. negative traits: hedonistic, blunt. fears: large bodies of water. hobbies: boxing, card games, video games, reading, cooking. habits / quirks: tba.

                                               FAVORITES.

season: fall. color(s): gold, sliver, red, matte black. music: not picky. movies: action, horror, suspense. sport(s): basketball, baseball, hockey. beverage(s): whiskey, dr pepper, iced tea, arnold palmers. food: steak, lobster, burgers, pizza, fries, kimchi. animal: dogs.

                                                  FAMILY.

father: tba. mother: tba. sibling(s): younger sibling, nineteen. children: n/a. pet(s): australian sheppard puppy named orion. family’s financial status: upper class.

                                                      EXTRAS.

zodiac sign: scorpio. mbti: entp-a. ( the debater ) enneagram: type eight. ( the challenger ) temperament: choleric. hogwarts house: slytherin. moral alignment: chaotic neutral. primary vice: lust. primary virtue: pride. element: fire.

                                               BIOGRAPHY.

i don't have like a full bio for him worked out yet but...

all you need to know is he's a cocky, blunt, impulsive & hedonistic af rich bitch who will flirt with anyone and everyone.

owns like..... 5 or 6 different multi-million dollar corporations and is constantly looking to become the ceo of more.

possibly got himself involved in some gang shit but no one knows he's involved in like the drugs part of that so sh

loves money & power.

also highkey loves blowing his money on other people ??

can be a dickhead sometimes but not always

spent 19m dollars on a one of a kind bugatti just to flex that he was the owner

is a hot ass mess

if u wanna know more pls hmu this is garbage im sorry

                                    PERSONALITY. ( PT 2. )

hides behind a wall of sarcasm, cockiness, and lust.

doesn’t really care to get to know people and had a tendency to push people away before they get too close to him.

but will also tease and mess with literally everyone.

wears glasses to read and mess w computers, but hates them a lot and probably won’t wear them if people are around.

is ….stubborn as hell and refuses to ask for help with anything.

his cars are literally his babies ??? like he ?? has a problem ??

a hotmess

fluent in a lot of languages, picked them up so that he didn’t need translators for business meetings, loves flaunting that skill.

lowkey worried that people will figure out that he’s actually v soft on the inside because that’ll cause him to start having to deal with his feelings, and he doesn’t wanna do that.

is the biggest flirt you will ever meet??

will try to get everyone to go to bars n parties with him ??

plays piano / violin & all that jazz.

drinks..heavily..  like every night?? it’s a problem tbh.

he cares… god he cares so much about people and the world but he pretends to hate everything because it’s easier than letting people in.

owns a book that is full of nothing but blank pages and keeps it on his coffee table because he ‘relates’ to it.

is a highkey hoe

super into fitness

loves boxing so much and can be seen at the gym quite a bit.. also has bruised knuckles 24/7 because of it as it’s a way to take out his aggression and feelings out on a punching bag?

speaking of… anger issues af. well… he's short tempered as hELL

actually super kind and caring once you’re able to see get past his wall?? which is really hard to do due to his job but if u do it he’ll cherish u.

has a bad habit of smoking whenever he’s stressed out, which is usually all of the time so he smokes…. more than he should. not just cigarettes either

he's a muffin. no, not a cute cupcake. a muffin.

                                               PLOT IDEAS.

bad influence. ( on your muse. )

best friends.

childhood friend.

competition.

confidant.

cousin.

current hook up(s).

drinking buddies.

drunken hook up.

enemies that used to be friends.

enemies.

exes who ended on bad terms.

flirtationship.

frenemies.

friendly competition.

friends that used to be enemies.

friends with benefits.

good influence. ( on boyeon. )

hate sex.

one night stand(s). ( past & present. )

partner in crime.

party buddies.

past hook up(s).

ride or die.

social media friends.

trouble makers.

[im-a-goner--foryou]

I love your blog!! I’m also having a rough day so I’m gonna ask for some of my guilty pleasure haha. Could you maybe do some sweet starkerstrange where strange and Tony absolutely dote on and adore peter? Maybe with some protectiveness/possessiveness? Thank you so much for all of the writing you do!

((I was originally gonna do the old prompts first because they’ve been sitting in my inbox for so long but,,, this sweetheart’s having a rough day so uhh I hope u like it love))Okay so if Tony and Stephen have one thing in common, it’s that they’re the most possessive bastards Peter’s ever met. The both of them feel strongly about claiming their own property and in this case it’s sweet little Peter, intern of Stark Industries and training nurse at the hospital Dr Strange works at. (Turns out that the two older men definitely have something for pretty twinks with hazel eyes and constantly mussed hair, pale porcelain skin and pink-lipped smiles.) When they first met the other Peter felt like he was legitimately in a pissing contest, the way they were sizing each other up with sharp judgemental eyes, words quipped with sarcasm and snark; both men were fighting to lay a hand on the boy the whole time, as though a touch is enough to claim Peter as theirs– Tony’s rough, work-calloused fingers never leaving Peter’s shoulder, warm touch burning a brand into his skin; Stephen’s long, bony fingers almost dainty in contrast, delicately wrapping around Peter’s wrist as though checking for his pulse. The whole night the older men snarked at each other until they noticed the boy between them meekly leaning into their touches, lashes fluttering nervously, teeth worrying at his own bottom lip and looking uncomfortable, that they finally set their competitiveness aside to soothe Peter.

“P..please don’t fight,” the teen stuttered, meek and soft, and it was at that moment that he had completely and utterly captured the hearts of the two men, who rushed to assure him that they won’t, that they’ll get along just fine.

And they do. With their similar personalities they clicked together almost instantly, having friendly debates that most of the time leave them both wound up (and almost always ends with passionate hot sex). There’s nothing the both of them love more than pampering their baby, showering him in extravagant gifts and endless praise; giving him anything he could possibly want. Peter thinks himself the luckiest person in the world, how he can just walk into their workshops after waking from a nap and how with just a simple pout and request the two men would scramble to accompany him to bed again, snuggling him until he fell asleep (frankly there’s no way Tony or Stephen could ever say no to soft sleepy Peter, dressed in nothing but one of Tony’s old MIT sweaters, hair flopping into his eyes); or how he’d mention casually about visiting the Eiffel Tower one day, and next week all three of them are in Paris having the most brilliant amazing holiday, filled with classy diners and driving around in limousines (although they did get banned from the Eiffel Tower, after a guard rounded the corner to see all of them in a comprising position- Peter’s mouth was too full to warn his boyfriends just before they got caught).

But the thing is that Peter has no shortage of admirers and other older men and women alike all tripping over themselves to please him, but they all think twice now that they see the billionare and surgeon beside him, two pairs of hands groping all over their boy’s body even in public, Peter pressed between them as they murmur words into his skin. All it takes is one sharp, dangerously dark glare from one of them for anyone to back off, the single raised eyebrow enough of an issued threat. Then there was that time a man who had too much to drink flirted outrageously with Peter, much too drunk to notice the two pairs of eyes burning hellfire in the back of his head, sleazily slipping a hand down Peter’s waist and ignoring his little whimper of protest– until Tony had marched up to him and grabbed him by the collar, jerking him back and slamming his fist squarely into the creep’s jaw (Stephen would have done the same, if not for having taken a doctor’s oath), and the man immediately crumpled to the floor groaning. Stephen stepped over his body to cradle Peter, muttering comfort to him in that silken voice of his as Tony crouched down to hiss dangerously low into the man’s ear something that made all the colour on the man’s face drain. Then he straightens himself, casually brushing down his slacks and righting his tie as though nothing happened (Peter nearly came right there from how hot that display was), before slinging an arm around Peter’s shoulder and guiding them all out of the party, leaving wide eyes and open mouths in their wake.

That night Peter got fucked so good that he couldn’t sit straight or walk properly for weeks.

[yharnamopossum]

actually u kno what i was gonna write prose tonight but instead i’m gonna vent maybe writing all this down will help me Get Over It lmao here’s some lovely bullet points for how gross and awful my ex is that people who still interact with her may wanna know before continuing to Do That:

let’s start with the incest!!!

i don’t know about y’all but uh. doing sexual roleplays with your sibling is fucking weird right lmao???? like i’m not alone in thinking that right?? she had a side blog that belonged to a “””friend””” of theirs but it was literally an oc, and they did sexual roleplays through this blog. like. no, it’s not your friend, it is YOU flirting with YOUR OWN FUCKING SISTER what the FUCK is wrong with you

who shares porn and sex toys with their sibling. who. WHO. THAT ISN’T FUCKING NORMAL. fuckssAKE.

i remember once her sis was having some, uh, reproductive health issues, and she fuckin described it to me in like aggressive detail, as if she’d seen it. like. why are you sticking your nose in your sister’s vag. no, that’s not normal. that’s GROSS. what the FUCK.

she once told me details of her sister’s, uh. private landscaping habits lmfao. 1, why do you know your sister’s grooming habits and 2. WHY ARE YOU FUCKING TELLING ME. why do you know these things!! who keeps track of their siblings’ fucking genitals & how they present them lmfao!!!

we once were gonna have a “date” (ie voice chat & games) and once the shit connects “oh tea’s here hope that’s okay :)” UM. NO? YOU GONNA INVITE YOUR FUCKING SISTER ON DATES? like how far was that gonna go lmfao. as if the fact these creeps were sexual with each other wasn’t gross enough, the knowing that if i’d stayed in that situation i probably would have gotten dragged into some weird incest shit is WORSE LOL. fucking CHRIST.

speaking of sexual shit that’s Not Cool that she thought Was Cool, how about more stuff including noncon and pedophilia!!

i had to CONSTANTLY remind her of shimon’s sexuality because she was always trying to make him more sexual than he is. maybe not a big deal on paper, but he is based on ME, A SEXUAL ABUSE SURVIVOR. no, i don’t like the idea of a chara i project onto getting pressured into sex by his boyfriend!! i don’t like the idea of his boyfriend forcing children on him!!!! she once, like, pointed out oliver would surprise kiss him for the first time, which HEY HELLO IS NOT COOL TO BEGIN WITH, but then when i tried to dismiss it with “uhh yeah shimon would punch him in the face” she went “haha lol canon!!!” LIKE??? YES SEXUAL ASSAULT RESULTING IN PHYSICAL ASSAULT IS GREAT!

also the time she made the punchline of a porn comic oliver sexually assaulting shimon lmfao. “haha he doesn’t want to have sex but he’s making him!! silly and fun!!!! hashtag they fuck lol!!!” fuck off

and it wasn’t just them, it was like. everything was SO sexual always. it was so uncomfortable!! like i get i’m kind of a prude but???

okay big one is like. literally she said nicko and cal had shared vows and were married and then cal goes off and fucks and impregnates someone else. cool! cheating on your spouse is cool apparently!!! but the worst part is she SOLELY referred to it as “blowing off steam” HELLO???? lmfao you really consider someone cheating on their spouse just “blowing off steam”??? this is your definition of it?? this is the character you’ve based on YOURSELF???

and that’s the thing, too. like all these violent and sexually abusive characters she said were based on herself. cool. neat. no wonder i was always paranoid about getting cheated on or getting beaten once we met lmao

cal also weirdly pressures nicko into sex and like. says a bunch of shit that makes him uncomfortable in fics and it’s all uwu cute~ in her mind. like. no. and the worst part is she’s so fucking dense she doesn’t even understand that the shit she’s writing is unacceptable!!! you wanna write noncon into your stories and ocs’ backgrounds?? fine! go ahead! it’s venting! i did the same shit with theo! but ACKNOWLEDGE IT FOR WHAT IT IS!! fucksSAKE dude

that’s all noncon and shit. how about the weird fetishisation of gay people in general lmao. i’m pretty sure i don’t need to go into this cus anyone who’s ever seen her stuff would Get It lmao.

OH I CAN’T BELIEVE I FORGOT THE PEDOPHILIA LMFAO y’all know she casually had a pedophile oc but never fucking mentioned it??? yeah! i didn’t know either until i literally started to kin him. she went into ludwig’s obsessions and shit at length before but failed to ever mention he first met nicko when nicko was a LITERAL CHILD. LIKE, UH, HEY, THAT SEEMS LIKE A PRETTY IMPORTANT DETAIL FOR YOU TO ADD DON’T YOU THINK??? you go on for hours and hours about how skeevy this dude is but you fail to mention he’s a PEDOPHILE?? i only found out about this AFTER i got wildly attached to him and redeemed him without knowing and started to id with him. thanks! fucking disgusting

what next!! how about violence & aggression

u have any idea how much it sucks to get triggered into remembering being beaten by another ex of yours cus your gf goes into excrutiating detail about how she wishes she could kick someone’s ass? lmao. it’s not fun!!! and she IDOLISED that shit; she thought violence was fucking cool!! hello!!!!!

she hated one of my best friends, and when i asked why, she said it was because 1. they didn’t say hi to her sister in a stream and 2. they didn’t get involved with drama when people started comparing her to them. i tried SO hard to explain how all these things were misunderstandings, but she refused to listen. i drew parallels to things that had happened to myself, she said that she could see the similarities between herself and people who had hurt me, but refused to fix it, instead growing distant. real good lmao.

in fact she hated this person so much she refused to acknowledge them but NEVER TOLD ME THIS so i kept mentioning them as my friend and she would ignore me, to the point where she was ignoring art and shit i worked for weeks on. real nice way to support your girlfriend! putting your grudges before her. fuckssake

and that isn’t even touching on how she just. Treats People. people like me! and the reasons i’m fucking angry. i’m too fucking Exhausted to go into all the shit she did to me and how horribly she treated me and i’m already crying and my chest is tight i can’t fucking think too hard about it right now but i would LOVE to tell anyone who would like to know so :^)

GOD i’ve given myself a headache there’s more but i’m just Tired my dudes i’m fucking Tired

tl;dr

does sexual rps & gets sexually intimate with sister

thinks cheating, noncon, & pedophilia are excusable/not a big deal

violent & forcibly sexual

holds grudges & is just generally a negative and rude person

whatever i’m gonna regret posting this i’ll take it down before morning but fuckssake dude

but hey! hmu if anyone wants more info lmao i’m livid!!!!

EDIT: CAN’T BELIEVE I FORGOT THE ART THEFT i mentioned this once before but jam’s also an art thief :)

[ album ]

[feadae]

Yo

So I’m in the choir for a community production of The Hunchback of Notre Dame musical (my first community theater show, now that I think on it--!!!) and I’ve loved almost every second of it so far.

The only seconds I haven’t loved are the seconds when we rehearse (SPOILERS) Esmeralda’s death. 

For those of you who haven’t seen the show (live or bootleg - I also am poor and nowhere near the coasts; I don’t judge), Quasi’s just poured molten lead on the square at Notre-Dame and he comes back into the bell tower, where he laid Esmeralda after taking her away from her pyre, and he’s being his heartbreakingly adorable self and she has a short reprise of “Top of the World.” That finishes, and Quasi tells Esmeralda, “Can stay inside here forever!” Coughing, voice weakening, she replies, “I don’t think...forever. You’re such a good friend, Quasimodo.” He smiles and says, “Yes. Your friend.” And Esmeralda dies and it’s heartwrenching, but this is where I stop, because I’ve reached the part that bugs me.

Every time our Esmeralda says, “You’re such a good friend, Quasimodo,” at least one person (usually more) in the cast and/or choir says something scolding Esmeralda for “friendzoning” Quasi on her deathbed. They’re never serious; it’s clearly a joke, but it still bugs me and I’m having trouble articulating why it bugs me, so if you don’t mind I’m going to try to figure out words here.

First off, the whole concept of “friendzoning” as a bad thing bugs me, partly because of its association with Nice Guy culture, which--ew--but also because of its implication that friendship is inferior to romance and/or sex.

It’s not.

Especially for Quasimodo, y’all! Poor boy’s lived twenty whole years with only Frollo for human contact and only the gargoyles’ voices in his head for friends. He’s grown up loving Frollo like a father, but that love hasn’t been returned, and on some level, I think he can tell--his body language whenever Frollo’s onstage with him, as well as the fact that he addresses Frollo as “Master” (probably at Frollo’s instruction), are indicators that he’s afraid of/intimidated by Frollo, and I’m sorry, but if you’re afraid of your parental figure(s), then they’re not doing their job very well, and they’re certainly not your friend(s). And they probably don’t consider you theirs.

All that to say, Quasimodo hasn’t had a friend his whole life, nor has anyone ever told him anything positive about him, so for Esmeralda to tell him he’s a good friend to her is h u g e. She is affirming that he is a person, that he is a good person, and that she’s grateful for all that he’s done for her in the few weeks he’s known her.

I put up a mild protest when it happened today (it had to be quick and quiet, because y’know rehearsal, and I didn’t want to ruffle too many feathers--I’m really good at ruining jokes and bringing down the mood), and the person next to me--still with that joking demeanor, but defending the joke--said that Esmeralda “friendzoned” Quasi in that he loved her and made his love known and she rejected him, chose Phœbus instead, and called Quasi her friend on her deathbed (the person asserted that the “dying friendzone” was worse than a normal one, because there was no chance for Esmeralda to change her mind).

And, like, yeah, he loved her and made his love known--wouldn’t you, too, if you’d lived your whole life only experiencing half-assed, bare-bones “kindness” from an authority figure who constantly told you that you were a deformed, ugly monster, unfit to even leave the building you grew up in, and then when you do leave and your worst fears are realized and people scorn and abuse you for looking different, this person you admire not only tells everyone to stop hurting you, but also defends you, helps you, and apologizes for inadvertently starting the whole ordeal?

I’d probably fall in love on the spot, too.

I mean, I’ve been very lucky to grow up with a family who loves me and tells me so all the time, and I’ve had friendships come and go and come to stay, and still I very nearly fall in love all the time with people who are decent human beings to me. In this very show, when the cast lets me linger on the edge of their conversations and occasionally contribute, I get this thrill of “holy shit I’m one of the gang,” and if someone goes so far as to address me by name? ??? I short-circuit. They know my name! These people are so much cooler than I’ll ever be, and so much better at being functioning, social human beings, but they know my name and they use it and I’m a person! It sounds strange and made-up when I write it down, but it’s seriously what goes on in my head. When people I admire take the half-second it takes to say my name.

And I didn’t grow up isolated and abused in a bell tower.

Back to the other points the person made: Esmeralda chose to pursue a relationship with Phœbus, yes, but she didn’t outright reject Quasimodo. She looked out for him and remained his friend, telling him she’d help him when he needed it (remember, that’s why she gave him the amulet map to the Court of Miracles--as a thank-you for him helping her hide Phœbus, she gave Quasi the amulet and told him, “And if you ever need help, come find me in the Court of Miracles”). Even when he asked her to stay with him and hide in the crypts under Notre-Dame, she made sure that he understood that she wasn’t turning him down because she didn’t like him, she was turning him down to protect him and herself (“I can’t, Quasimodo. It would be too dangerous--not just for me, but for you, too.”).

And I don’t think she chose Phœbus because he’s conventionally pretty. I don’t remember who posted it, but I saw a post on here (it might have been a quote, for all I know/remember) that said something along the lines of “Frollo saw Esmeralda as a devil. Quasimodo saw her as an angel. Phœbus saw her as Esmeralda. So she chose Phœbus.” That says it better and more concisely than I can. Frollo was never an option for Esmeralda romantically, so we’re leaving him at the door. And Quasimodo is an absolute sweetheart and loyal and kind to the core, but because he grew up so isolated and maltreated, he idolized the first person to show him true kindness, which wouldn’t have ended well even if Esmeralda had survived and had chosen to pursue a romance with Quasi--putting people on pedestals isn’t healthy for either person involved; at some point, whether knowingly (I doubt it, in this case) or otherwise, Esmeralda would have failed Quasi in some way--not because she doesn’t care, but just because she’s human, and humans can’t be perfect--and it would have crushed him. It’s not good for Esmeralda, either--through no fault of his own (see again the twenty-year isolation point: he doesn’t know any better), Quasi is basically objectifying her. This isn’t to say he has bad intentions, or that his love isn’t real--he’s not objectifying Esmeralda the way Frollo does--it’s just to say that Esmeralda recognized that in the end, neither she nor Quasi would be happy in a romantic relationship with each other, but she saw that he desperately needed and deserved a friend, so she became his friend. Phœbus initially compares Esmeralda to an angel in “Rhythm of the Tambourine,” but if we’re being honest I think it was just for the sake of the contrast to Frollo’s line “She dances like the Devil himself” when Phœbus meets her and talks to her, he begins to fall in love with the real her, the one who is trading witty remarks with him and also fiercely defending herself, her principles, her people, and Quasimodo, whom she’s just met maybe fifteen minutes ago. And her curiosity about this soldier whom she senses is not an orders-following machine but has a strong moral compass and who really listens to what she has to say turns to love while she has time to think about it, and they both act on it in “Tavern Song,” when they have a witty conversation that masks their true feelings but they’re each testing the waters to see if the other feels the way they do and when each has confirmed it, they kiss and it’s actually great.

Esmeralda loves both Phœbus and Quasimodo--she loves Phœbus romantically, which is arguably what he needed (since I sense that his “Rest and Recreation” self was a bit of a front and he needed someone to see past that), and she loves Quasimodo platonically, which is certainly what he needed--and let’s be real, Esmeralda needed both. It’s established that she loses friends quickly, probably because of how determined she is to right the wrongs she sees, so for both Phœbus and Quasimodo to admire that trait and to admire her is wonderful, because it opens doors for Esmeralda that were probably closed for quite some time. (Which sounds opportunistic and calculating when I write it down, but I think it’s true, and I’m not using it to diminish the emotional value of these relationships--I’m just trying to figure things out.)

And we’ve already covered that the “friendzone” is a ridiculous concept, but the “dying friendzone”? When else was she going to tell Quasi that he was a good friend? She was just getting to know him for most of the show, and she was away from him for huge chunks of it, too--her last minutes, dying in Quasi’s arms, were her last chance to help Quasi understand that he wasn’t the monster he’d grown up being told he was (and I’d like to see you try to say more than six words when you’ve just been nearly burned at the stake and are dying from excessive smoke inhalation).

Please let me know if there’s anything you think I missed; there are several points here that I’m not 100% solid on, and I might have expressed any of this quite poorly, because I’m tired.

TL;DR: I’ve been stewing over a throwaway joke people made in Hunchback rehearsal for approximately Way Too Long and needed to put my thoughts down somewhere

[miss-butter]

Things I Thought That Were Not COVID (January - June) Ending

~having journaling sessions so intense I get a headache 

~ the RHONY cast casually drinking martinis plural at bars like it's a chill thing to do and they're not immediately going to black out?? Damn. 

~ e v e r m o r e 

 ~ the intensely stressful harmonica opening of All I Really Want while Alanis wails "do I stress you out" over the top of it 

~ today I feel like an eye that opened very very wide. What I saw was a door, opening 

~ through the fog I thought the city was the sky 

~ I carry all of this inside of me. It makes me very still 

~ "I am slow as the world. 

I am very patient, 

Turning through my time, the suns and stars 

Regarding me with attention. 

The moon's concern is more personal: 

She passes and repasses, luminous as a nurse. 

Is she sorry for what will happen? I do not think so. 

She is simply astonished at fertility." 

~ people with no self awareness/people with no sense of humor about themselves truly need to go live on a farm away from me 

~ the piano player that lives below me, the guitar player that lives above me 

~ "the sun whose rays are all ablaze" 

~ Room Memory I: the PERFECT sensation. Wearing my coat with a bagful of plastic spoons in my hands, leaping into krts car that smelled like dogs and cigs and is a smell that makes me feel so warm. Going over the bridge into Minneapolis chatting with them while the radio played (krts parents would play the radio, old and new, it was a thing I have never ever stopped appreciating). The times we'd get snacks at the theatre, dreaming of the day we'd be old enough to look upstairs (we haven't yet). The dark room, the laughter in the shadows and the feeling of fulfillment and validation. How their parents were there to collect us after and I got to see them on the Monday after that night. 

~ Room Memory II: me and emma and bast going to see it in the winter of a year I can't remember. Driving across the Minneapolis bridge in a snow storm, slow but with intention. We arrived early, and saw a cat on it's way home before taking shelter in a late night kowalskis. They had never seen it before, and I think my friend Eric was there but that might have been another time. Laughter, darkness. Emma drove home in the blizzard, tracking over deep, deep, inches of snow in the dark over the bridge and home. When we got back my parents were asleep, and I remember us piling our feet over the vent to catch the heat in my living room. Oh, babes. 

~ why do people ask where the love you had for a person goes when that person is no longer with you?? As though feelings are so easily generated that you can just release a life that you led and say "that goes there now, away". I think I'm STILL feeling everything I've ever felt in my life, nothing can truly ever go away. Also, the idea that because a person is no longer beside you that that somehow influences how you feel and what you feel and when you feel it! Can't relate. 

~ That Scene in Frances Ha where they fight in the bathroom and: 

Sophie: You're bullshit, and you're making me feel really bad right now. 

Frances: I want to love him if you love him, but you don't love him. 

Sophie:  I DO. 

Frances: Sophie, I fucking held your head while you cried, I bought special milk for you, I know where you hide your pills, don't treat me like a three hour brunch friend. 

Sophie: I'm not talking to you while you're like this. 

~ I never would have known, but there are pieces of me only Paul and Fred can reach. I want to go back to my Little Self, the first time I saw Fred, probably hungover, wiping sleep out of his eyes in that chair in Brownville, and whisper: "that's your brother. That's your real brother." She might burst into tears and never stop weeping with joy. That she had a brother who was a good man. A man of character. 

~ I got fired, and two days later I allowed myself to get packed into a truck and taken to a lake. On the way there I stopped at the first restaurant I'd been to since march, and I was so scared I slurped down three vodka sodas with a burger. When I arrived it felt like a miracle, like paradise. I remember everyone went to the beach in the twilight but I stayed, and sat on the patio and smoked a stolen cig, and listened to The Beautiful Ones 5 times thinking of how badly I'd like to be a nun because I couldn't stand the thought of other people. Somehow the moment still makes me feel so. Just So. Hearing it now is like seeing a ghost. 

~ do all people feel this way? Oscillating between airy fulfillment and vanilla scented oblivion? When I think about death I think of little sideways smiles, heavy lids, radiator squeaks, That Tree I still see in my memories. Somedays I feel like I'm full of Cool Whip, otherwise gelatinous, heavy, falling apart like an aspic. 

~I still refuse to be sorry that I find some of the things lena dunham does and says to be funny, suck my hood 

~ I constantly see tweets and stories that go something like "I told my 4 year old ____ and then they *insert action or phrase no 4 year old would ever do or say*. Yes, brilliant child. Yes." Like....the compulsive need to make shit up about your child in order to appeal to strangers on the internet is a form of Munchausen by proxy we as a society would do well to reckon with. It wasn't ok when those lesbians with the adopted kids made their son hug that cop, it's not cool for your "cute" tweet, babe. 

~ people who refer to their pets as "fur babies" have either tried to or successfully gotten their pets to eat them out. You can't change my mind. 

~ the stars in Death Valley 

~ next year in Nebraska 

 ~ it's beshert. No matter what you choose, no matter where it goes, the act of looking and of learning was beshert. This moment was meant to be. 

~ it's going to be such a bummer when my tits start to go off to the side when I lay down. How can we endure it? 

~ family: watching musicals with The Boys, swearing that we'll go to NYC together. Fred's face, Paul's smile, the sound of MEMORY let your Memory lead you I remember a time I knew what happiness was let the Memory live again 

~ I'm too upset to write / I'm too upset not to write 

~ the bruise, the deep round bruise, the lump beneath it 

~ $80,000 each; $240,000 total after amendments 

~ I lean to my wound, I lean to my wound 

~ disgusting girl, nasty pie-faced thing filled with fruit the color of plastic gems. Veins plugged up with sugar, eyes full of stars. 

~ its lucky to not be bothered at all by blood, I must have been born under something (or over something) 

~ this is the worst lead up so far I've ever had. Utterly alone, unsupported by....who? The r u b i c o n, the gentry, even the rabble. Sitting in a lukewarm tub, soaking the wound, empty head in the room between shitting and living. Thank god for grapefruit chapstick, and for Them. 

~I'm.......babing out 

~ how nice for her, how nice for him, how nice for everyone  (breaks glass in my fist) 

~ I am the drug that you need, shoot me up shoot me up 

~ Jennifer Jason Leigh in Single White Female was a definite top 

~ muttering to myself in a Mark Wahlberg voice just to get a good giggle 

~ making things for my brothers daughter; playing peeks with Jeremy; reading a book with John; playing sticks with natalie; talking about books with Noah. Being a woman with five nieces and nephews to watch grow up. 

~ “She wanted to die, but she also wanted to live in Paris.” 

~ Nora Ephron, and Melissa Broder. The now maligned art of self-confessional writing that I find infuriating when men do it (woody allen) but not unlike sinking into a hot bath when a n y o n e else does it. 

~ My dad telling me about his golf tournament, my dad telling me stories of seeing bands in the 70s, my dad finding out who Blac Chyna is and saying "she's amazing", my dad knowing every character ever on Law and Order, my dad and Noah bent over a chessboard, my dad taking a splinter out of my sisters finger. 

~ if I was a Housewife my tagline would be: "my attitude isn't MY problem, it's yours!" 

~ I have a recurring nightmare where I went to my first day of Spanish class and then just never returned? And I knew I was going to fail but for some reason really wanted to make it to the final bc that might make a difference? True claustrophobic panic. 

~ I have an incurable disease? I have an incurable disease! 

~ a m e r i c a n  w o m a n 

~ DR Q: should I be on antibiotics until surg? Ointment yes. What in detail will happen after surg/how will it heal/will it heal? If the wound is not going to heal after surgery is it necessary to do it at all? Down the line, when can I have sex? Can I take full body baths? Is there a specialist I can take these to? Should I shave before surg? Infections? 

~Potential Bday Marathon w bois: Big Lebowski, Wild, Stand By Me, Almost Famous, Frances Ha 

~ I am going to be well, I am going to heal, and I am going to be better one mesh shirt and gauze pad at a time 

~ Tommy Wiseau saying "I've sumfin fer youuuuu" 

~ hating the Grateful Dead SO much but knowing all the words to Box of Rain. Singing it in the bath first thing in the morning while my coffee brews. 

~ I've been making this list for a year 

~ "Butt out, Baby" 

~ What I have done I was compelled to do 

~ sitting here in this humid April heat, remembering the blizzard last Easter, with Band of Brothers episode 5 on the tv, a lavender candle flaming, a message from Fred flitting across my screen like a dear little bird, my disease pulsing in my cells, my hair long in a ponytail, thinking of my brothers wedding in a few days. I've cried three times. 'You should be so lucky,' I think, over and over again. 'You should be so lucky to have this love, to have room for this pain. Le douleur exquise.' Thank you and thank you and thank you (and, if you have time, let me heal) 

~on the phone with Natalie, laughing hysterically as she takes shots and calls me Marat 

~ Last night in my dream the doctor called my wound "the bog" 

~ I might....actually want to watch Desperate Housewives again 

~ the dinner the RHONY gals have in the Berkshires season 8 is my IDEAL meal, just a roast chicken with herbs de provence, mashed potatoes, fresh green beans, and cranberries. 

~ Again, tonight in the bath: 

"Just a box of rain 

Wind and water 

Believe it if you need it 

If you don't, just pass it on 

Sun and shower, wind and rain 

In and out the window like a moth before a flame 

And it's just a box of rain 

I don't know who put it there 

Believe it if you need it 

Or leave it if you dare 

And it's just a box of rain 

Or a ribbon for your hair 

Such a long long time to be gone 

And a short time to be there" 

 ~ a really cathartic thing to do is throw ice cubes at the wall 

~ crying on the kitchen floor and thinking of amy winehouse singing: "I cried for you on the kitchen floor." 

~  note for later: what are you doing? What are you d o i n g ? Get out, get out, get out. It ain't shit, babe. Ain't shit. 

~ you're a woman of genuine wit, write what you feel and how you're feeling it. Someone, someone, someone anywhere will see it and will cheer 

~ that season of vanderpump where schaena fucked adam and denied it the whole time but was so obviously in Love with him while he could care less about her, culminating in her adopting a penguin from the zoo and giving him the gift of it. She named it after him. Imagine loving someone that much that you would do this. 

~ the loveliness of a braid. A braid in hair, in rope, in bread. How a figment becomes a pattern, becomes history slapping against my shoulders. 

~ spring cleaning for mothers day. Egg salad and a nip of whiskey after dark. Feeling very old and yet very at sea 

~ A Thought: I should think about my neighbors on my death bed. I hear them speak through my walls, the boy that gets in screaming philosophical arguments and the upstairs girls who shriek. My neighbors who stomp, and my neighbors who dance all around me, the ones who were groaning in pain in the stairwell before going quiet. I can hear their laughter, and I've thrown things towards it and felt bad about it later. Their pianos on cold fall afternoons, and the late night guitar they probably think nobody hears. The couple with the large, spindly dog who isn't allowed to be here, and the cat that I pet on the stairs, the barefoot boy cradling his cat in his arms after the fire alarm went off, the chic looking lady with her carrier. The girl I went to college with, hidden somewhere in here. The ones who've come, and who've gone. They've likely heard me, too; crying, coming, laughing until I have to scream into it. Maybe they hear my music, too. I've left them cough drops, left them notes, brought packages upstairs, held the door, gifted cups of detergent. I'll remember the bike, abandoned in the laundry room even when management kept sending emails about it. 

~ I'm afraid one day I'm going to turn around in bed and my wound will be my lover, my wound will be companion, who will press up against me as I make coffee, who will throb under my sheets, who will sit beside me as I eat dinner, drink a glass of wine. She weeps, and last night I thought: "do I make you wet, baby?" and I laughed. Hedwig says laugh because otherwise you'll cry, I'll remember it forever. When I laughed everything tightened up and I Hurt and Hurt. Tonight I'm very, very, very alone, and my bath radiated through me like I was a boiled lobster. When I watched RHONY naked I felt the wound put its hand on my thigh, and it felt like I was living with someone I didn't trust. Gone Girl hours. 

~ I look like a cloud 

~ I have a true disease of the soul and mind in which I'm not capable of forgetting anything. This must be due in part to me being a Leo and therefore being a righteous holder of grudges, but I can't even manage to forget a purchase I made at CVS that I didn't feel great about three years ago much less an interaction with a friend that isn't reflective of Either of us now but that fills me with rot. In this sense, retrospect hits me very hard because nothing ever leaves me. I'm like a desk and papers get piled on top of each other and sometimes it gets messy but each memory is just under the surface of another. Needless to say, if I tell somebody that I can't remember something I'm usually lying to them just to avoid being bored. Which is something to think about, to be sure. Anyway, tell me the story again. 

~ I feel naughty and covetous, big-titted and sharp-toothed and green-eyed and hungry hungry hungry hungry hungry. I always get this way when the whether turns hot. Everything is getting deeper, thicker. For the better and the worse. Keep your candy away from me or I'm going to take it from you. 

~ "My daughter. My last one. She's my sin. She's what I smeared on the world." 

~ the beginning of the summer I sweat, and I bleed, and crack, and i hate and hate, until. Until. The window must be left open, to let the lion in. While I sleep it crawls out of my closet and lays down upon me and I wake up with my hair in a snarl and an insatiable throbbing in my veins. The air is hot, and I'm ready to swallow the moon again. Be  r e b o r n. 

~ it's nice to meet you. I'm 26 years old, I'm a woman of cracks and fissures, a woman of unprentention who relishes pretending, baddest, chatterbox slut, writing gay porn every night if i can manage it, irremediable sky watcher, secret smoker, mainliner of unhip music, dizzy lady, silly goose. I think the moon is in my neighbors window, and I look up at the impression and thank her. 

~ I'm vaccinated, I'm going to a party at my sisters house, I have a person in my phone who I think likes me and I Know wants to fuck me. I've written 1,000 words every day this week. This year I’m spending my birthday in Nebraska. Let the season begin, let me move west into a long, brilliant wind.