#but anyway okay I think I've gotten it out of my system for now

[inverse-problem]

alright layer 7 first day impressions! (played each layer twice more or less so not first impressions but still I just need to get my thoughts out. do not expect anything good, I'm just stream-of-consciousness rambling.) major detailed spoilers under the cut!

7-1: oooh love the blood painting with violence aesthetic, it turned out so well. mannequins are really fun! bit confusing to navigate but I think that was sort of the point, given the layer name. loved the lore in the book

and then the minotaur. (nice house of leaves reference!) took me a while because I was out of practice and I fell off the platforms a lot but ough great lore, there. love that we got more details about minos, as tragic as it was. and the phase 2 at the end of the level genuinely startled me! anyway whoa, really strong start to a layer

7-2: cool to start with the gutterman right off the bat; finally, I am forced to learn to switch fists. really liked the gutterman design and lore, and the guttertanks were a nice surprise, also. the timing whiplash things were a bit tricky, because I suck at platforming, but I got the hang of them faster than I expected. I died a lot in the room with the stalker. the whole war aesthetic with the warheads and the sort of industrial aesthetic was really good, and I thought the bomb was a great addition. also seeing the earthmovers in the distance and bullets flying across the sky, very intense aesthetic, very fitting. also, cool level design, I the part where walls fall down in front of you! very cool! just got a bit confused about navigation in some places but it was intuitive enough, and easier to find my way around than 7-1

7-3: holy shit the beginning made me really emotional. the trees were so poignant, and they look beautiful also. interesting way to do a key hunt sort of thing, too. the little gates were a nice aesthetic touch, also. seeing the demons and the war machines fight was really interesting (and also made the fights easier when I was starting to get physically tired, haha). great use of the dual wield powerup also. fantastic ambiance overall, very evocative. the tree imagery and accompanying music is stuck in my mind

7-4: I love it when a boss is also the level! good shit! the platforming here was fun for me, which is cool, because I'm not always big on it. really solid industrial aesthetic throughout the level. loved all the greebling and the signs and stuff; curious to know what the japanese text on the signs translates to. was a bit unsure where to aim during the security system fight, but thankfully marksman revolver helped me figure it out. the rising deadly liquid freaked me out at first because I hate timing challenges, but thankfully that didn't end up being an issue at all. loved the level layout overall, really got the impression I was clambering into a giant war machine, which was a blast. the heart boss itself was so-so for me because I'm not a big fan of spinny arena-spanning things like that, but the healing opportunities with the idols were nice, and parrying the projectiles really helped me a lot! the timer at the end was also a bit nerve-wracking but gave me ample time, and it was extremely worth it to jump out of a giant exploding war engine. felt really badass. and the lore implications are fascinating, I need to think a bunch because whoa. the fact that humanity just lived on those for a while is very interesting

overall thoughts: bit of a difficulty jump, but once I got used to things again, the difficulty was at a good level, to me. and these levels were really fun and interesting! I need to actually find the secrets and secret encounter etc (only found one by accident so far in 7-1), but I'll leave that for later. holy shit, I'm so happy, though, what a great new set of levels!

[shoesofthefishermanswife]

insane moment of all time

[i.d. a painting of karen and ivy from smash. they are dancing on a stage and ivy is kneeling in front of karen with her hand on karen's thighs. they are painted in blues and purples on a dark blue background. end i.d.]

[loverboybrightsideghost]

i really do love practicing 🎻

[alithographica]

As promised, welcome to

Fun biology in TOTK’s designs

I'll keep this post updated as I go through the game. I'm going to skip the more general identifiable things like apples (they're based on apples!) because there are tons of more unusual species to talk about.

Overall, the really interesting thing I've noticed is that many of the more unique Earth-based lifeforms in TOTK are super ancient, like predating dinosaurs ancient, which is a really cool tie-in to the overall time-hopping plotline of TOTK. Specifically, they're found in the new areas (caves, depths) while the surface remains a bit more normal.

(There will be no plot spoilers in this post, and also I've barely gotten into the plot because I'm spending all my time wandering, so shhh no spoilers in the tags for like a month please.)

Most recent additions: More lilies, irises, wild ginger, spiny bones, pigeon extravaganza, plus added some more real photo comparisons to old stuff.

PLANTS

Bryophytes my beloved. Bryophytes are among the earliest land plants, waaaay predating flowers and even seeds. In our world, they’re small by necessity—they lack vascular systems to help move water around like other plants, so they have to stay small and moist (hence their frequency in caves in TOTK—though they do need some light in real life.)

In TOTK they’re quite large and I think that’s very sexy and art directors should give us big bryophytes more often

Anyway, there are three types of bryophytes: mosses, liverworts, and hornworts. First image pair is a moss, second is a liverwort. Those red-brown and palm-tree-like structures, respectively, are their reproductive structures.

Real liverwort photo © Graham Calow, NatureSpotUK

Not yet spotted: Hornworts! Did they forget the third bryophyte sister :(

I think these next guys are probably lycopods (specifically club moss, which is not a true bryophyte moss, thanks science.) Very old, but vascular, so they're a bit more evolutionarily recent than bryophytes.

Real photo © Gloria Hanley Schoenholtz, virginiawildflowers

All the enormous curly-topped trees in the depths: Ferns! They curl like that until they unfurl. Another very old plant, though younger than bryophytes and lycopods.

Real photo via The Cosmonaut, Wikipedia

Brightblooms and some of the other giant plants in the depths: Possibly based on a cycad? Again, a very ancient plant lineage. At this point, evolutionarily, they've developed seeds—that giant cone in the center is called a strobilus, and that's the seed structure.

These next few plants are angiosperms, meaning they produce flowers. Angiosperms are a more recent evolutionary lineage—still many millions of years old, but it took a while to develop flowers as a reproductive tactic.

Sundelions (left) are a fun recolor of a lily. There are also some scenery lilies (right) in various places—there are yellow ones that spring up when you turn on a lightroot (which gives them literal and thematic connection to the surface) and several other varieties, including tiger lilies, throughout Hyrule. Fun note, the sundelions appear to only have 5 stamen, while other lilies in the game (correctly) have 6. Seems to be an intentional decision to make it a more distinct fantasy species.

These next ones are Peruvian lilies/Alstroemeria, just used as a scenery plant but a very fun inclusion. Fun fact, not true lilies, so they're not deadly to cats like true lilies are.

Real photo © Dick Culbert, Wikipedia

Plum trees: These are also called out as plum trees in game! There's a journal in Kakariko that refers to the plum orchards.

Okay I'm a little proud of figuring this one out. Bomb flowers blend a few botanical references. Superficially, the fruit resembles a type of seed pod called a capsule—specifically it's very similar to a poppy capsule. The little red thing in the center is a nice addition to resemble both a flower stigma (reproductive part that leads to the ovary) and a bomb fuse. Now, poppy capsules disperse their seeds via wind, but there are other plants who do explode their seeds outwards as a dispersal tactic! This is called explosive dehiscence.

There is one tree in particular called the sandbox tree, AKA monkey-no-climb or dynamite tree (yes, really.) Their capsules look more like little pumpkins, but are known for violently exploding when ripe—they can launch seeds at 150 miles per hour (250 km/h) and spread them roughly 200 feet (60 m) away. The photo comparison is a poppy capsule but you should def go look up dynamite tree videos.

Real photo © PommeGrenade, pixabay

Fire fruits (and the other elemental fruits) grow on the same generic plant that looks kind of like it has grape leaves. Fire fruits resemble a specific botanical thing too though—the black netting is a papery calyx (part of the flower) seen in a nightshade genus, Physalis (golden berries, tomatillos, etc.)

Real photo © Helene Rogers, Alamy

I think this stuff is an Asarum, AKA wild ginger. I was actually puzzling over it until I walked past some today and went HEY

Not sure of the exact species but they're very green and heart-shaped and love being dense and low to the ground.

Real photo via David Stang, Wikipedia

Irises: Love irises, one of my favorite flowers and words, very happy to see them in game.

MISCELLANEA

Cup lichen! Lichen is not a plant, but a symbiotic structure of an algae + a fungi. Cup lichen is just a type of lichen formation that has a kind of vertical cup-like structure.

Real photo via Bernard Spragg

Geology crossover! Go look carefully at some of the whiter walls in the depths—they look like they have fossils of coral and other undersea hard-structured animals in them.

ANIMALS

Sticky lizards: Based on Diplocaulus, a very early (now extinct) amphibian! Their skulls are wacky. We're not sure whether the long sides stood out separately or were smoothly connected to the body by skin flaps, but the separate arrow-like shape is the most popular rendition.

Deep firefly: Might be a stretch because it could just be a multi-winged fantasy critter, but I think the "wings" and antennae are very reminiscent of Anomalocaris, an ancient aquatic arthropod.

Update: Other folks in the notes/tags have pointed out that they're probably based on a cryptid that's especially popular in Japan: skyfish AKA rods! They show up in photos and people think they're an alien lifeform. In reality, they're an optical blur created when a lower quality video captures intermittent flaps of an insect's wings, leaving sort of a many-winged smear in the photo. Thanks to all who left info!

Little frox: Another stretch because it totally could just be a Hinox-like frog, but every time I see the little ones I can't help but think of like...Ichthyostega, Mastodonsaurus, Eryops, and other early amphibians. They were pretty hefty—little frox size or bigger—and had with little waddling legs. This is less "I think it's definitely this" and more "it makes me happy when I picture frox as primitive amphibians."

I haven't detailed many of the scenery animals around Hyrule because most are identifiable with the camera function—it'll tell you that a certain animal is a heron or porgy, for example, and those groups are real, even though the exact species is made up. But I think the pigeons are fun because they're all crested pigeons. Pink-necked green pigeons may have also been the inspiration for the color palettes on the wood and rainbow pigeons.

Both pigeon photos via JJ Harrison, Wikipedia

Spiny bones: Not a specific critter, but those spiny bones that you can find lying around Eldin Canyon are vertebrae—possibly from the same thing that left those big rib cages around? The top spike is the spinous process where muscles attach, the littler spikes on the side are the transverse and articular processes. The dark O in the center is the spinal cord.

Also I made a friend who finally recognizes my purpose in Hyrule.

That's all I've got for now! Will add more as I keep playing.

[ifangirlalot]

I'm back in my miles Fairchild supermency (idk if I spelled that wrong) Anyways can I request a miles Fairchild x reader smut whatever you want to do with it

˗ˏˋ 𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐒𝐎𝐍 𝐎𝐍𝐄 ˎˊ˗ | starring miles fairchild

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

*~smut!*~ [𝖜𝖆𝖗𝖓𝖎𝖓𝖌𝖘:] oral (male receiving), hand play (male receiving), kinky thoughts (miles' pov)

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

[Name]'s POV

While Miles and I have been together for a while now, we've yet to do anything super serious. We've gotten about as close to fucking as you can get without actually getting undressed, though. See, the thing is, I'm a little intimidated by the idea of sex. I haven't ever done it before, but Miles told me that he's done it a handful of times. (He's never specified what "a handful of times" translates to with a concrete number, but taking a look at him tells me everything I need to know, really.) And while I'm not exactly thrilled about it, I can't really say I'm surprised.

The thing is, I wouldn't know how to please him. Not just with the main course, so to speak, but also in the way of appetizers. Reading smut isn't what I'd call a reliable teaching method. That's more or less just something to read when you're horny. So, I guess that's why I'm here now. In Miles' bedroom sitting in front of him, seeing him lean against the wall (because his bed is literally just a goddamn mattress for some fuckin' reason) and tastefully unhook the front button of his jeans and pulling down his fly, like he does this everyday.

Lessons start now.

Miles' POV

I don't outwardly express it, but the way [Name] is staring at my dick like it's some sort of predator she has to conquer is rather amusing to me. My pride is telling me it's because my dick is huge, but I think more likely than not it's just because she's never actually seen one up close before. I'll probably die telling myself the first one, though.

While seeing her nervous, almost terrifed face is fucking hilarious, it's not really getting me riled up. So, while she's having her quiet nervous breakdown, I let my eyes flicker to the opening in her shirt and thinking about pressing my palm against her tits. Maybe giving them a nice, hard squeeze, getting her to cry out if I'm lucky. That does the trick and pretty soon I'm at full mast and ready to get started with teaching her.

Oh what a fun little lesson this will prove to be for me.

After some quick debate, I decide maybe hand shit is where I should start. Save the best for last. "[Name], give me your hand." I urge, not waiting for her to comply and just picking it up myself. I pull it closer to my lap and wrap her tiny fingers around my shaft.

Immediately, she grips it and I have to surpress the urge to scream. Not in pleasure, but in pain. This shit fucking hurts.

"Ow- Hey, hey- Loosen it, loosen it.. that's it.. good girl.." I sigh in relief when she complies but keeps her hand in a loose circle around me. "Okay, we're gonna try jerking me off, alright?" I tell her when the breath finally reenters my system. Could have sworn my life just flashed before my eyes from that experience.

"Oh, that's easy. I read about that, I can do it!" [Name] exclaims, almost excited to try out her knowledge from books. I'm immediately cautious. From that first moment, I'm kinda scared she's gonna break my dick off. Don't think that would be good. I kinda need that.

Turns out I was right to be cautious. One second everything's fine, the next, I've died, and my dick feels like I'm fucking a succulent vacuum. And not in a good way. "Ouch-! Fuck- [Name]-! When I said 'Jerk it off' I didn't mean jerk it off my body!" This is not going at all like how I envisioned it in my head. Like at all. This lesson is so unsexy my boner keeps leaving. I have to keep giving it a couple pip-paps just to keep it up. Which in turn is making [Name] feel bad, which is also making my boner go down. Ugh, this is a nightmare.

Finally I sigh and gently move her hand. "Okay, darling. That's not working. So, instead you're going to use your mouth." When she starts moving down, I stop her by touching her shoulder. "Now before you go down and inevitably bite my cock off, listen carefully. Don't use your teeth, make sure they're just barely grazing me. And wrap one hand around the base and hold it steady. Move it in the opposite direction of your mouth so that it meets in the middle, got it?" She nods and moves down again. I hold my breath and lean back against the wall, eyes closed, half expecting to feel a sharp pain as her teeth sink into my length. But that doesn't happen. Instead, my senses are being sweetly invaded by euphoria. Her tongue is wet and warm around my dick, and her teeth are barely even noticeable. Her hand is moving the perfect speed to contrast her mouth and it feels like heaven. A wet, warm heaven. "Oh- fuuuuck-"

The sounds coming from me are foreign to me. But she's pulling them out of me faster than I can stop them. Normally I'd be embarrassed, but right now I don't have enough time to register anything that isn't pleasure. "Fuck, fuck, don't you stop-"

And then suddenly, she's doing shit that I didn't tell her about. Her mouth pulls off my cock with a soft pop and her tongue laps around me, licking, grazing, making me twitch and buck my hips. When her tongue presses against my bright red tip, my eyes roll back in their sockets and a loud groan resonates around the room. Whatever books she's been fucking reading are definitely my favorites now. Don't know who wrote them or what they're called, but goddamn do I love those books. Then, all too soon, I'm coming and it's over. It has been about two minutes. Fuck, I feel so pissed with myself. Two minutes? Fucking seriously, Miles?

I watch her, my cheeks flaming red, while she takes her time lapping up my mess like a dog under the dinner table. "So," she asks casually, licking her fingers. "When's lesson two?"

[A Note From Zee]

I'm genuinely so sorry this took so damn long- I got caught up in other things, but I hope it was at least passable.

[autisticdoomslayer]

Tarkatan Culture

OK General notes about Tarkatan culture so far, all of which have been gleamed through mk11. Note that some of these cultural values may not be 100% accurate, since most of them are gotten through Baraka's dialogue so some of this might just be his personality. So this is like 50% also a Baraka analysis, since he's the only Tarkatan I really have access to and I doubt he's a super reliable narrator.

This will probably be added onto later.

Okay, so just to get this out of the way - Tarkatan cannibalism is canon. I think we already knew this. It's mentioned casually in a couple intro dialogues.

Now we get into themes/topics, specifically values that I've noticed may be in Tarkatan culture.

1. - Honesty.

Baraka's brutally honest and straight to the point. Baraka says things that could very well spark anger or aggression even from his allies, and it doesn’t seem to be on purpose. In fact, sometimes it seems to be out of goodwill.

Baraka: I'd think twice about being Kotal's Bride. Jade: And why is that, Baraka? Baraka: If he betrays Tarkata, you will suffer.

He's warning her - this seems like less of a threat and more of a weird gesture of goodwill. "hey, we're mostly cool, please be aware that if your boyfriend double-crosses my people I will not react in a way you like". In another intro dialogue he tells Cetrion straight-up to "speak plainly" and stop speaking in the confusing virtue riddles she usually does.

Now, this might just be a him thing, but it makes sense for a Proud Warrior Race like the Tarkatans. Note that while while the Shokan are also a Proud Warrior Race, they are canonically very hierarchical and have a strict caste system, which means they are more likely to have social expectations of how to act around those of higher status (canon based on how Sheeva expects others to treat her). These social expectations are usually going to be more formal/less direct out of respect. The Tarkatans, however, have a very loose hierarchical system, that seems to be mainly restricted to two categories: tribe members and whoever is leading the tribe at that time. Leadership is not acquired through blood or caste, but through prowess.

Baraka: You challenge me for the tribe? Mirror Baraka: By the rules of Katka Rakatan. Baraka: I will feast on your flesh. (including that line for proof of cannibalism, which I don't think anyone needed but I'm doing it anyway.)

There's also no strict governmental system. The few "laws" Tarkatans have seem to be mainly just traditions, that, if broken, will cause a huge uproar.

Robocop: How are Tarkatan laws enforced? Baraka: With gnashing teeth and sharpened blades. Robocop: I would not call that justice.

The whole "rules of Katka Rakatan" thing seems to be enforced mainly out of compliance to tradition. The tradition is highly respected throughout Tarkatan culture, and on the off chance that someone tries to break that tradition, it will A) probably be seen as an act of cowardice, since most of the traditions are probably combat/challenge based and B) will end with the offending individual getting torn apart by the rest of the tribe.

It makes sense that, with this looser heirarchical system, Tarkatans don't feel any need to speak formally/respecfully. This point is strengthened by this dialogue:

Baraka: My people are skeptical. Kitana: I am not Shao Kahn, Baraka. Baraka: Words. We need deeds.

2. - Oppression

Tarkatans have canonically been an oppressed group for a while. Like, a long time.

Geras: Submit your tribe to Kronika. Baraka: Tarkatans do not submit, Geras. Geras: It is their entire history.

Now, let's talk fantastic racism real quick. We got Kotal's genocidal tendencies, but everyone know's about those. So let's talk about Rain sees everyone as lesser, that’s kind of his thing, but he seems to see Tarkatans as particularly inferior.

Rain: Kitana has made you a partner? Baraka: Her choice offends you? Rain: It disgusts me, Baraka.

Even Kitana seems to have some biases despite how she's portrayed in story mode.

Kitana: You soil every room you enter. Kano: Bloke's gotta mark his territory. Kitana: Even Baraka's more civilized.

It's not that bad compared to the shit Tarkatans have gone through, but it's still racism, damn.

There's also this line, but I'm pretty sure it's not canon.

Kitana: The flesh trade is banned. Baraka: My people won't starve, Kitana! Kitana: There will be no exceptions.

(I'm not entirely sure if "flesh trade" refers exclusively to human/sentient flesh or what, but that "my people won't starve" line doesn't paint Kitana in a great light. Again, probably non-canon though.)

Frost has two different dialogues where she insults Baraka, one of which involves her calling him low-born (more looking down upon Tarkatans) and a "cur" (which up until now I have never heard used outside of a Shakespearian context; for anyone wondering, it's pretty much synonymous with "mongrel"). She also calls him a coward, which, knowing Baraka, is probably the reason he sounds so pissed in the dialogue.

Tarkatans/Baraka seem to hate being looked down upon as dumber/lesser/primitive/uncivilized.

Baraka: Why come to Outworld? Erron Black: Why, to meet exotic folks like yourself. Baraka: By 'exotic', you mean 'primitive'.

Shang Tsung: Do Tarkatans have souls, Baraka? Baraka: Of course we have souls. Shang Tsung: Souls are more useful than service. (Baraka's so ready for an attempt to dehumanize (for lack of a better word) Tarkatans that he kinda forgets the problem with discussing souls with Shang Tsung, famous soul stealer.)

He also emphasizes his status as an equal to Kitana multiple times:

Baraka: Tarkatans are slaves no longer. Sindel: Kitana has made you servants. Baraka: We are allies, not servants.

Baraka: Join us against the Emperor. Mileena: And forever curtsy to my sister? Baraka: Better Kitana's partner than Shao Kahn's slave. (There's emphasis on Mileena's disgust at the thought of being below Kitana, and Baraka emphasizes that he and Kitana are partners. Equals.)

He also is notably very appreciative when people see him as an equal, or at least show him basic decency. This is shown in most of his dialogues with Jade and Kotal (in most of Kotal's dialogue Baraka makes it clear that just because he likes Jade doesn't mean he likes Kotal).

He also seems incredibly cautious of his allies, kind of waiting for betrayal.

3. Loyalty

Loyalty seems to be a value. I questioned if loyalty might have some importance with the amount of dialogues of Baraka swearing his loyalty to Jade & Kitana (so long as they don't betray him), but what makes me think it could be a cultural value is this line:

Baraka: If Kitana cheats us, Tarkata will rise. Jade: She's never shown disloyalty, Baraka. Baraka: Except to the Kahn who raised her.

Disloyalty to anyone, even to someone like Shao Kahn, is enough to make Baraka suspicious. The emphasis on Shao Kahn raising Kitana may also show a cultural respect for parental figures.

I might add onto this later, but this is what I have right now.

TL;DR - tarkatans are the jews of outworld.

[livelaughwhump]

Valentine's Day

The Valentine's Day collab is finally here!

This is Elliot's POV. Cedar's POV will be on @ofclrosewriteswhump 's blog, but I will be adding both to the Worthless Masterlist.

I hope you enjoy!

Content: sickfic, an obscene amount of fluff, overwhelming gayness

-

Elliot had begged Lyra not to text Cedar. They'd been planning their Valentine's date for weeks and Elliot couldn't bear to be the reason it was ruined.

He'd woken up that morning feeling achy and lethargic. His throat was sore, his nose was stopped, and beads of sweat continued to appear at his hairline, no matter how many times he tried to wipe them away.

Of course, Lyra had noticed right away that something wasn't right, despite how hard he tried to hide it.

“Please, Lyra. I'm fine, I swear!” Elliot begged. “Just don't tell him, please.”

Lyra already had their phone out with Cedar's messages pulled up. “Sunshine, you're sick. Your date isn't for another week, it's no big deal.”

“But if he finds out, he'll cancel it! He'll be too worried about me. He always—” Elliot coughed and gagged as he was forced to swallow back down the phlegm that had traveled up his throat.

Lyra sighed. “I'm sorry, sunshine, but I can tell you feel awful. It's only gonna get worse if you don't rest.” They sent the text and Elliot felt his heart plummet. “Now, let's get you to bed.”

That's what led to Elliot laying in his bed, sobbing quietly into his comforter with Dumpling curled up against his side, but that was several days ago. Since then, Lyra had been doing everything they could to help him rest and heal enough before their date. However, it wasn't enough. It was the day of Valentine's, and Elliot was still bedridden. That morning, Lyra had informed him that they were going to run some errands, but that Marlie was on her way over to keep him company. That eased his worries a bit, until all that was left was the guilt of ruining Valentine's Day.

Elliot was cuddling with Dumpling while watching a movie on Lyra’s computer when the door to his room suddenly opened. He glanced up to see Marlie standing in the doorway and instantly brightened up a little.

“M-Mar—” Elliot dissolved into a coughing fit, his throat burning as he did so. His eyes watered and he reached for a tissue, only to find the box empty. Elliot groaned and laid back down on his bed.

Marlie rushed to his side, mumbling a quick “be right back,” before returning with an unopened roll of toilet paper. “Sorry, Bluebell. I wanted to be quick. Do you need water?” she asked softly, sitting next to his bed.

Elliot nodded. “I'm sorry, Marlie. You-You don't have to d-deal with this.” He ripped off a square of toilet paper and blew his nose.

Marlie put a gentle hand on his shoulder, comforting him the best she could. “I don’t mind. I want to help you.”

Elliot sniffled and threw away his makeshift tissue. “Are you sure? You-You don't h-have to.”

Marlie nodded. “Of course. I brought a couple bottles in my bag. Here, Bluebell.” She handed him a water bottle before thinking of something. “Do you want help with anything?”

Elliot shook his head. “Can-Can you just k-keep me company? I-I don't know where L-Lyra went and-and I don't wanna be alone.”

Marlie nodded, knowing he was overthinking. “Of course! Do you want to watch anything?”  She offered to hold his hand, knowing she’d get sick anyway with her weaker immune system.

Elliot shrugged. “I was just watching some m-movie that Lyra had saved. I'm not really p-paying attention.”

“Okay, want to keep watching it? It's fun being with you. Is it okay that I’m holding your hand?” Marlie spoke softly, hoping to comfort Elliot. She giggled when Dumpling’s whiskers tickled her hand.

“Are-Are you sure?” Elliot asked. “I-I don't want to g-get you sick.”

Marlie nodded. “It’s okay. I've always gotten sick easily but it’s worth it for you.” She smiled at him gently.

���O-Okay then. Um…can-can you h-hold me while-while we watch the movie?”

Marlie smiled and immediately climbed into bed next to him. She opened her arms. “Of course, Bluebell. I'm always happy to hold you.”

Elliot smiled and crawled into her waiting arms. He snuggled into the warmth of her embrace as Dumpling curled up beside the two of them. Just as Marlie repositioned Lyra’s laptop, the sound of her phone buzzing startled them both. Elliot looked up at her, confused. “Who is it?”

Marlie reached over with one hand, keeping her arm around Elliot. “Lyra, they want to know how you're feeling. Are you doing okay?”

Almost as if on cue, Elliot broke into a coughing fit, his lungs and throat burning. He reached for the glass of water Lyra had left him and downed half of it in a matter of seconds. Once he was finished, he wiped his mouth dry and set the glass back onto the bedside table to his left. His voice was raspy and nasal as he said, “N-Not r-really.”

Marlie rubbed his back. She tried her best to comfort him and make him feel better. “Do you have any cough medicine?” she asked after sending a quick text to Lyra.

“I-I'm not sure,” Elliot answered. “B-Broderick was supposed to g-get some, but-but I don't know if he's b-back yet.”

“Want me to text him?” Marlie asked, holding Elliot close and offering the comfort she could.

Elliot nodded. “If-If you don't m-mind.”

Marlie nodded. “I don't mind at all. Want me to keep holding you?” She asked, pulling out her phone to send the text. “Done.”

Elliot nodded. “Y-Yes, please.” He shivered and curled up to her.

Marlie held him close, trying to warm him up.

“Can-Can I have a blanket?”

Marlie nodded, “Of course!” She wrapped a blanket around Elliot, holding him close in her arms. “Now we wait for a response.”

It was a few minutes later that Broderick finally responded, the text reading, “Just picked up some cough medicine. Should be back in a couple minutes.”

Marlie looked at her phone, once again startled by the sudden noise. “Broderick says he'll be back soon.” She sent back a quick response, thanking him.

Elliot nodded. “Th-Thanks, Marigold.”

Marlie held him closer. “Happy to help, Bluebell.”

Elliot was still shivering, though much less so than before. “You're so w-warm.”

“I’m happy you think so.” Marlie smiled, relieved to feel Elliot relax. “Want me to ask Broderick for another blanket when he gets back?”

Elliot nodded. “Yes, please.”

Marlie brushed his hair, knowing how much he liked the feeling. “It should only be a few minutes. He’ll be here soon.”

Elliot closed his eyes and reveled in the gentle touch at the top of his head.

Marlie smiled, humming quietly until she heard footsteps approach the door.

Elliot opened his eyes just in time to see Broderick peek his head into the room. “Hey, guys,” he greeted. “I've got some cough medicine and an extra blanket.”

Marlie smiled. “Thanks.” Not knowing what else to say, she resumed brushing Elliot’s hair.

Broderick stepped into the room, set the medicine beside Elliot's bed, and handed the blanket to Marlie. “How are you feeling, sweet?”

Elliot briefly glanced up at the medic and shrugged. “N-Not great. S-Sorry for-for causing so much trouble.”

“It's no trouble at all, sweet. This is my job. Just take one of those tablets every six hours and let me know if there's anything else I can do for you, okay?” Elliot nodded, and with one last friendly smile, Broderick left the room.

Marlie helped Elliot with his medicine; the tablet being small helped. She wrapped Elliot in the fluffy blanket and held him close.

Elliot cuddled up to her and laid his head in her lap. “Marlie?” He asked.

Marlie responded with a quiet hum, continuing to gently brush Elliot’s hair while he rested his head on her lap.

“Do you think Cedar's m-mad that-that I ruined our date? I-I haven't s-seen him in almost a-a week.” Tears flooded Elliot's ocean-blue eyes as he imagined the worst. “What if he b-breaks up with me?”

Marlie looked at him worriedly. “He's not breaking up with you. He's been trying to find a way to make your date fun while you're sick. I don't know exactly what he's planning but he's been trying lots of Spanish recipes.” She gently brushed his hair.

The worry and fear in the pit of Elliot's stomach didn't fade. “Then-Then why hasn't he come to s-see me?”

“He wants to perfect it. You know how you were going stargazing? He's going to bring the stars to your bedroom. Want to call him to feel better? I'm sure he wouldn't mind. Lyra’s helping him out with the finishing touches.” Marlie softly brushed Elliot’s hair. “It was going to be a surprise so I can't tell you what exactly Cedar’s bringing for food or how he's going to make a stargazing date for the both of you. I just know he's been tracking stuff down at thrift shops and astronomy places.”

Elliot felt even more guilty. “I-I ruined the surprise?”

Marlie shook her head. “Not at all. You know the basics of it but you don't know what Cedar is bringing here. That’s not ruining the surprise.”

“O-Okay,” Elliot said. “Um…when-when is he gonna be here?”

Marlie glanced at her phone. It was around late afternoon or early evening. “About an hour. I think he wants the sun to be down before coming.”

Anxiety swelled in the pit of Elliot's stomach. “Do-Do I look okay?”

Marlie nodded, not wanting to overwhelm him. “You look great. How about putting on a skirt or your new dress if you want. I can do your hair while you're in bed too.”

Elliot nodded and quickly jumped out of bed to go change.

Marlie followed, ready to catch him if he slipped. “Careful, you're still sick. You don't have to dress up a lot. Just do what you can, okay?”

Elliot ignored her concern and quickly scanned his closet for something nice to wear. “I just wanna look nice,” he said. “If he's putting all this effort into a n-nice date, I-I don't wanna look like I've been sick.”

Marlie nodded in understanding, walking over to Elliot to help him find something he liked. “What about your flower dress?”

Elliot examined his black, floral-patterned dress. It hung to his knees and had puff shoulder sleeves. He'd gotten it recently on a trip to the mall and had yet to wear it. “Do-Do you think he would like that?”

“He’d love it.” Marlie smiles at him. She was so happy to see him excited for a date.

“O-Okay.” Elliot grabbed the dress and bolted into the bathroom to get changed.

Marlie waited patiently, petting Dumpling while Elliot changed.

When Elliot emerged, he gave a twirl to show Marlie the whole thing. “What do you think?”

Marlie beamed, eyes glowing at how happy Elliot looked. “You look amazing!”

“R-Really?” Elliot asked, giving himself a once-over in the mirror. “Do you think I need shoes or anything?”

Marlie shook her head, standing next to him. “No, you guys are staying home. Kinda like a movie date but better.”

Elliot nodded, his breathing quickening.

Marlie looked at him worriedly, guiding him to sit. “Bluebell, he wants to bring stargazing inside. You’re safe, I promise.”

Elliot's breathing didn't slow. “I-I just w-wanna be g-good enough for-for him. Wh-What if he doesn’t l-like this? What if he gets m-mad at me for-for being sick? What if he's doing this just to b-break up with me?”

Marlie brought him into a hug, knowing his past relationships were horrendous. “You're perfect to him. Bluebell, he's so happy with you and will love this. He's not mad and he won't break up with you. I promise. Want me around for support?”

Elliot melted into her embrace and tried not to cry into her shoulder. “N-No that's-that's okay. I-I don't want him to-to get m-mad.” Elliot flinched when the distant sound of the doorbell rang. He gasped. “That's-That’s h-him.”

Marlie took his hand. “He wouldn't. Want to walk to the door with me?”

Elliot nodded and shakily reached for her hand.

Marlie gently squeezed his hand. “It’s okay, he’ll be so excited to see you.”

Elliot nodded once more and nervously followed her down to the front door.

...

Marlie opened the door, Dawn helping Cedar carry a box of food.

Elliot's breath caught in his throat. He felt like it had been months since he'd seen Cedar, even though it had only been a week. Anxiety churned in the pit of his stomach at the sight of his tall boyfriend.

“Love? How are you feeling? I'm so happy to see you!” Cedar smiled. “Happy Valentine's day.”

Elliot couldn't help the way his cheeks warmed and the dorky smile that grew across his face. “I'm f-feeling better now. H-Happy Valentine's Day.”

Cedar’s smile matched Elliot’s eyes, smiling as he saw his boyfriend. “Ready to start the date, Love?”

Elliot nodded. “I've m-missed you.”

Cedar set the box down in Elliot’s room, Dawn and Marlie following him. “Same to you, Love. I'm so happy to see you.” Cedar smiled as he opened his arms.

Elliot smiled back and practically collapsed into his boyfriend's strong arms. He had to stand on his tiptoes in order to kiss Cedar, but it was worth it. He just hoped Cedar wouldn't end up sick after this.

Cedar caught Elliot and kissed back. “I love you so much.”

Elliot's cheeks began to ache with how wide he was smiling. “I love you too.”

Cedar’s smile grew. “Ready to start, my Love?” 

Elliot giggled and nodded before dissolving into a coughing fit.

Cedar put an arm around him, rubbing his back until it finished. “Do you need to lay down, Love?”

Elliot nodded. “S-Sorry,” he croaked.

Cedar lifted him gently onto his bed. “No worries. How about starting dinner?” 

Elliot nodded. “Th-That sounds good.”

Cedar smiled, opening the containers of food that he had brought. “Take your pick, my Love.”

As Elliot's eyes scanned the multiple containers of food, his cheeks warmed. He couldn't believe that Cedar had done all this for him. “I-I can't decide. Everything looks a-amazing. Did-Did you m-make all this?”

Cedar blushed and nodded. “I packed so many. Maybe a little bit of everything? Is that okay with you? I just made our date sick safe, my Love.”

Tears began to prick the corners of Elliot's eyes at the sound of those words. “I-I just can’t believe you d-did all of this for me.”

Cedar gently brushed his tears away, kissing his forehead. “Of course, Love. I knew it would break your heart to miss out and I wanted to see you. I'd come over even if it meant cuddling and falling asleep.”

Elliot's lower lip started wobbling. “Can-Can I have a kiss?”

Cedar replied by gently kissing him, holding him close.

Elliot melted against him, heart pounding. He couldn't believe the lengths his boyfriend had gone just to make him feel special on their first Valentine's Day together. As he looked up into Cedar's forest-green eyes, he whispered, “I may or may not have just gotten you sick.”

Cedar brushed Elliot’s hair. “That’s okay. Seeing your smile makes it worth the chance.”

Elliot's cheeks warmed and he couldn't help the giggle that escaped his throat. “You try to make me blush on purpose.”

Cedar matched Elliot’s smile, chuckling. “I try to make you smile on purpose, my Love.”

Elliot tried to force himself to stop smiling, but it remained stuck to his face. He couldn't help it. Something about looking into Cedar's eyes made him indescribably happy.

Cedar smiled back, happy to see his love smile. “Ready to start eating?”

Elliot nodded, unable to take his eyes off of his boyfriend.

Cedar kissed Elliot’s forehead, serving multiple dishes for the two of them. “How about some candles? I brought some scented ones.”

Elliot nodded, cheeks beginning to ache from the smile that wouldn't leave his face. “That sounds nice.”

Cedar kissed his head gently. “That’s great. I’ll light them.”

Elliot giggled and watched as Cedar lit the candles. As nice as they were, the sudden aromas initiated a round of several sneezes and a few coughs. He reached for a tissue, his face burning with embarrassment.

Cedar looked at him worriedly, rubbing his back. “Do you need anything, Love?”

“Can-Can you hand me my w-water?” Elliot asked as he tossed the tissue into the trash. He sniffled. “I hate being sick.”

Cedar passed the water to Elliot, rubbing his back gently. “I know, Love. It’ll be over soon. I'm just happy I could get everything ready in time for our date.”

Elliot nodded. “I-I was so worried when you d-didn't come to s-see me at all. I thought m-maybe you were b-breaking up with me.”

Cedar kissed his boyfriend’s cheek softly. “I’m sorry I didn't reach out. I wouldn't break up with you, Love.” He felt guilty, knowing how he hurt Elliot.

Elliot nodded again, blushing. “I-I know. I just o-overthink sometimes, I guess. Marlie helped c-calm me down.”

Cedar smiled at him. “She’s good at that. I'm happy you guys have each other. You're amazing.”

Elliot smiled and took a bite of the dinner Cedar had made. He was still in awe of all his boyfriend had done for him. He'd never felt so loved before.

The smile on Elliot’s face made the whole evening worth it. Cedar smiled back, eyes so full of love and adoration.

As Elliot ate his fill and set down his plate, he said, “So, M-Marlie said you were gonna b-bring the stars to me. Wh-What did she mean?”

Cedar smiled, getting up to open a suitcase and take out a few star projectors. He plugged them into the wall and the ceiling mirrored a starry sky. ��This is what I did to bring you the stars, my Love.” He kissed his boyfriend’s head, lips brushing his fluffy hair.

Elliot stared in awe at the starry sky projected across the ceiling. Never, in his wildest dreams could he have imagined a date like this. “This-This is the most incredible thing anyone has ever done for me.”

Cedar held Elliot close. “Anything for you, Love. You are the best boyfriend a man could ask for.”

Tears welled in Elliot’s eyes. “Can I have a kiss?”

Cedar brought his boyfriend into a loving kiss.

Elliot melted against him. He couldn't remember the last time he felt so happy, if he ever had before. He felt safe and comforted and so, so loved. In that moment, nothing else mattered; not his illness, not Christian. If only for one moment, Elliot let himself be happy.

-

I hope you enjoyed this! This was so much fun to do because I'm absolutely obsessed with Elliot and Cedar's relationship.

Please be sure to go read Cedar's POV!

Not tagging the taglist because this isn't whumpy Worthless content

[verosvault]

🚨SPOILERS FOR FANTASY HIGH JUNIOR YEAR EPISODE 8🚨

Dimension20 "Fantasy High Junior Year"

Episode 8 "Fracas at the Frostyfaire Folk Festival"

Timestamp: 00:06:23

Video Length: 4min. & 43sec.

The Disadvantages of Stress!!!

Brennan: "I'd like to know just mechanically, for people watching, where that stress actually ended up for everybody."

Zac: "Right."

Siobhan: "I was gonna game it, but then Emily made me feel bad about it, so-"

Emily: "No, I didn't! I didn't say anything to you about it!"

Siobhan: "No, you were like, 'I'm gonna take real things,' and then I was like, 'Well, I can't take disadvantage in-'"

Emily: "Okay, so it was my existence."

Brennan: "It was merely Emily's example, committing to the system."

Siobhan: "Yes, Emily did such a good job that I felt like I had to step up my game and take things that actually affected me."

Emily: "Well, I took it- 'cause you said if we weren't proficient, I had one, so you said if we weren't proficient, we had to take two, so I wanted to take Insight. In the 'Adventuring Party', I said I think I'm in a place where I'm not listening to my gut. All the stress is making me very indecisive. So that was Insight, and then I think also, this paladin curiosity, there's more pressure on it, and it's not coming to me as naturally as normal, so I think Religion is gonna be the other disadvantage."

Brennan: "Love it."

Emily: "I've never wanted to be good at something before. I've just accidentally been good at it. So that's why. There's stress with it now."

Brennan: "It's the intermediate slump where you go from beginner's luck into actually learning technique and having to get good at something."

Emily: "'Cause there's stakes. I need to do this for Kristen."

Brennan: "Zac, where's Gorgug's stress going?"

Zac: "So I have three stress tokens, meaning... I think I'm gonna do one in Initiative rolls."

Emily: "Oh."

Zac: "'Cause I'm already... I never roll good on Initiative anyway. I feel like that's fine. And then I'm gonna do the lobster bisque."

Siobhan: "You get a salad with that."

Zac: "Would you guys have some?"

Siobhan: "Yeah."

Lou: "I'd have a nibble."

Siobhan: "Yeah, I'd share a lobster bisque with you any day, Zac."

Zac: "Great, great. I'll get some straws. Disadvantage on two skills, so I think I might also do Insight."

Brennan: "Hell yeah, hell yeah."

Zac: "Go back to Gorgug's roots of just never-"

Brennan: "Not ever being good."

Emily: "Wow."

Lou: "Regressing."

Zac: "And then disadvantage in Deception."

Brennan: "Okay. So Gorgug, you're taking Initiative. Do you have proficiency in either Deception or Insight?"

Zac: "Oh, it has to be something I have-"

Brennan: "It's either got to be a skill you're proficient in, or if you're picking skills you're not proficient in, you gotta pick two."

Zac: "I'm not proficient in either of those."

Brennan: "You've got to take both. That's one."

Zac: "Okay, then disadvantage probably on Charisma saving throws."

Brennan: "Hell yeah."

Emily: "Ooh."

Brennan: "That lack of initiative, you are a distracted, stressed kid."

Zac: "What? Okay."

Brennan: "Hell yeah. What? Adaine."

Siobhan: "I'm also gonna do Initiative, 'cause I feel like Adaine's just in that, like, *gasps* 'Huh? What?' Very much in her own head."

Brennan: "Yes."

Siobhan: "And then I'm also gonna do two skills that I'm not proficient in. I'm gonna do Intimidation and Persuasion, 'cause I just feel like she's not socially on her game right now."

Brennan: "It's just- If I want to impress people, I'm gonna summon a bunch of mephits. I'm not gonna talk to anybody."

Siobhan: "I just can't talk to anybody right now."

Brennan: "Perfect. Fabian?"

Lou: "I'm gonna take disadvantage on all my tool proficiencies. There's just a bunch of half done calligraphy and glassblowing."

Brennan: "Your glassblowing!"

Lou: "My shop is a ****ing mess right now. I need to clean out the kiln. Just haven't gotten around to it."

Brennan's LAUGHTER! 😭✋

Siobhan: "This guy has so many unfinished hobbies."

Lou: "Several rooms in my house just haven't been touched. So I'll take disadvantage on those. I'll take disadvantage in History and Investigation, and then I will take disadvantage in Perception."

Brennan: "Ooh, one of your actual proficiencies."

Lou: "Yes."

Brennan: "Incredible. Kristen?"

Ally: "Disadvantage on Initiative. Disadvantage on Wisdom saving throws. Disadvantage on Medicine."

Brennan: "Hell yeah. Boom, meaty choices."

Ally: "She's not helpful for the party at all. She has no magic, disadvantage on Medicine."

Lou: "And you can't cast spells."

Ally: "Why even have a cleric?"

Zac: "****."

Brennan: "Hell yeah."

Siobhan: "'Cause you're the coolest girl in school!"

Lou: "Right? Right?"

Emily: "That's true! Who needs a cleric when you have a president?"

Lou: "Exactly."

Ally: "You're right!"

Lou: "Your class is 'President.'"

Brennan: "We're just gonna go to SW5E and steal the scholar class again and just make you a politician."

Ally: "Please, please!"

Brennan: "Please, please. And Riz?"

Murph: "I took disadvantage in four skills. I took disadvantage in Perception, because I feel like Riz is still good at Investigation and everything, but he's really in his head, so he's probably not noticing things around him. Survival, not taking good care of himself. Athletics, he was already not athletic, but he's even less so, and then Deception, 'cause I don't think he could pull off lying right now while he's so high strung."

Brennan: "So you've picked four of your non-proficient skills that are all disadvantage now."

Murph: "Yes."

Brennan: "Meaty, meaty choices across the board."

●・○・●・○・ ●・○・●・○・ ●・○・●・○

A list of the stress disadvantages on the characters for my own safe-keeping! 😂:

1. Fig: Insight, and Religion

2. Gorgug: Initiative, Insight, Deception, and Charisma Saving Throws

3. Adaine: Initiative, Intimidation, and Persuasion

4. Fabian: Tool Proficiencies, History, Investigation, and Perception

5. Kristen: Initiative, Medicine, and Wisdom Saving Throws

6. Riz: Perception, Survival, Athletics, and Deception

[sopheadraws]

Thanks for the tag, @birdofmay!

Okay, so I don't actually have any playlists of my own; I entirely use playlists made by other people/generated by Spotify/actual albums, so I had to improvise. I stuck all six Spotify "Daily Mixes", my top 100 songs of 2021, 2022, and 202; my "On Repeat" playlist, and my "Repeat Rewind" playlist into a brand new playlist that contains 563 songs. I'm not good about favoriting songs, so I thought this was the fairest system. Some songs I don't actually know may come out of the Daily Mixes, so if that happens, I'll listen to it for the first time. Okay, cool.

1. Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran do a cover of the "Thriller/Heads Will Roll" Glee mashup.

Well, Taylor and Ed are two people, and this is a duet, so that's a good start. However, that's as far as my enthusiasm goes. Taylor has a *good* voice, however, she's not really a belter, which is all the "Heads Will Roll" part is. And Ed Sheeran covering Michael Jackson is not something that needs to happen.

2. The Warblers from Glee cover "I Feel Pretty/Unpretty"...also from Glee.

This is a song a female insecurity (arguably with lesbian undertones). I do not want an all male a cappella group involving themselves. Terrible idea.

3. Johnny Cash covers "Girl on Fire". Specifically the Glee arrangement.

This is so stupid that I love it. Johnny "Ring-Of-Fire" Cash covering a 2010s pop song about a woman being metaphorically on fire is hilarious to me. And the Glee arrangement is the icing on the cake.

4. Johnny Cash covers "champagne problems" by Taylor Swift.

Interesting that I got Johnny Cash twice in a row. Anyways, I think this just might work. I can't explain why. But it would.

5. Brittany from Glee covers "Million Reasons" by Lady Gaga.

Brittany can only really pull off heavily produced dance pop, and this song is a belting-heavy ballad. Sorry, Britt, but it's a no for me.

6. Simon & Garfunkel cover "obsessed" by Olivia Rodrigo.

I can't * f a t h o m * how this would sound. I am intrigued to hear it, but I sense it would be terrible. But, then again, Paul Simon is a musical genius and I could listen to Art Garfunkel sing anything.

7. Natasha Bedingfeld covers "Last Kiss" by Taylor Swift.

Natasha Bedingfeld is one of the never-heard-of-this-person-before-in-my-life musicians I warned you might appear on this playlist. Having heard one song, she's a generic pop artist. Sort of a Beyoncé vibe. I'm sure she'd do just fine covering Taylor.

8. Avril Lavigne covers "Operator" by Jim Croce.

Avril is another person I don't actually listen to (I actually know who she is this time). Uhh.. this cover would be wack, but I'm not sure if it's wack in a good or bad way.

9. Darren Criss covers "Talkin' Bout a Revolution" by Tracy Chapman.

(Yes, this was a DC original song, not a Glee cover.) Okay, so, having been on Glee, Darren knows how to do a killer cover, and I'm sure this would be no different. Kind of a tone deaf song selection on his part, however.

10. Olivia Rodrigo covers "Heaven Is A Place on Earth" by Belinda Carlisle.

I do know this song, and it's not *out* of my taste range, but I don't think I've ever listened to it on Spotify before, so. Anyways, I think this is the best combination I've gotten! I really want to hear this now! Best for last!

Well, Sina, and these the crazy combinations you expected from me? Very Glee heavy and most of the combinations would be horrid, which seems in character.

I would like to see what @doctor-whu @porcelainvino @wheresurboytonighthelookslikeenj @katyobsesses @angelhummel and @hevanderson get if you want to try :))

[icallhimjoey]

Hi! First of all, your stories are giving me so much comfort, you have no idea! And I don't know if you are accepting requests or anything, but I was on a bus home today, daydreaming as I always do, and a story idea popped up, and I don't know, maybe you are willing to give it a try to write it. Anyway...

I was listening to Moncrieff's song Warm while commuting and it made me think of a reader (won't lie, I imagined myself ehehehe) and Joe - maybe they are friends but she feels more, and maybe she finds a silver lining in everything that bothers him, encourages him and Joe is not really if his feelings are there yet, but he is definitely thinking more about her in a certain way. So, the idea is that he is so stressed out, so many things are going on, and he is being pulled apart by the industry, colleagues, people around him, journalists, and he finds himself spiralling and then one day he calls her, despite the time difference and she answers, sleepy and whatnot, and that's when he realises that she is the one.

I found that Moncrieff song so nice and I don't know, listen to it if you'd like, and if you won't write it or anything, it's okay. I just had to get it off my chest..

x

omg more people need to do this, this song is BEAUTIFUL hope you like what I've done with your request <3 Wordcount: 1.3K

---

Homesick

“Joe?” you answered, the thick of sleep in your voice clearly detectable over the phone.

“Hey,” Joe instantly regretted not checking what time it was in London before he called.

“My God, you better have a good excuse to call me at a quarter past six on a Friday morning.”

Earlier that evening, Joe had shut the door behind him and had let out a deep sigh. Homesick. He had really felt it then and recognized that the annoying negativity he’d been dragging around on his shoulders was a longing for home. He felt so far removed, now across the Atlantic in a city deeply impersonal to him and he wished he could will himself back into his flat in London.

London. Where he knew to find the exact spot of the bathroom light switch when he would reach for it in the dark of night. Where there were cups of strong builder’s tea just the way he liked it. Where there were after work drinks at pubs that would be filled to the brim with others who had the same idea when they walked out of their office buildings at 5. Where people responded to your “sorry” with their “sorry”. Where you were, right now.

Joe’s days in LA were complex, and his job involved many aspects he didn’t have any control over which started taking its toll on him. Especially now that he hadn’t gotten a good night’s sleep in a few days. On long days like this one, people would almost seem to handle him like he wasn’t a human being at all. They were all smiles and kind words, but the hours he’d have to work felt inhumane. They asked a lot from him. And that’s not to forget that when Joe would eventually find himself in the comfort and silence of the rented apartment, he’d be up late reading scripts, rehearsing lines, doing self-tapes and deep diving Wikipedia pages in research of characters he would audition for later in the week.

It left him frustrated, moody and snappy, which wasn’t Joe’s default setting, and he actively disliked this version of himself. It didn’t help that the days had started piling together and he’d let it build without mentioning it to anyone. He knew he had to when he’d taken a shower and het let the emotion hurt him in his throat rather than getting it out of his system by having a cry.

There only seemed one solution to his problem, besides actually cutting his trip short which he knew he couldn’t do, but he felt a little apprehensive. Should he bother you with this? You had bigger fish to fry at home – you didn’t need to listen to Joe complain about opportunities he’d been working towards for so many years. But he just wanted to hear your voice. He knew you’d at least be kind enough to make him feel better. Joe remembered how you’d celebrated his upcoming trip with him. The one he was on now. It felt entirely effusive, he’d been on many trips before for his career, but you knew this one would be different. “I know I’ve said it before, but I can feel it, Joe. I can feel it right here.” You pointed to where Joe thought your spleen was located. “I think this is where my conscience sits.” You laughed. “Trust me, you’re going to come back and not recognize this face, so let me pay for your beers tonight so you’ll at least owe me when you get back.” You’d dragged him along to a pub, pride shining out of your eyes at what Joe’s future held. Prouder of me than my own mother, Joe thought.

You and Joe had been friends for too long. You always joked that you crowbarred your way into his life and squeezed yourself in between Joe’s intrusive thoughts and insecurities. A heavy bench to perch yourself on, but your light could easily overtake that darkness within Joe’s mind. And he loved you for it, but it made meeting potential girlfriends so much more difficult, because none of them seemed to live up to what you brought him. They’d be so pretty, but then not as funny as you were. Or they’d be so funny, but they’d lack your soft care for him. Or they’d care so much, but would only listen to Joe and then not do anything to cheer him up. It was always something that didn’t feel right. You were hogging the seat on that bench in his mind that was reserved for a lover. And Joe knew it wasn’t smart, but he let you.

“Sorry,” Joe heard movement of duvet covers as you turned over in your bed. “It’s still Thursday here.” He chuckled through a wince.

A couple of seconds of silence followed, and Joe imagined you in the dark of your bedroom, tucked up in your bed with your phone pressed to your ear and your eyes still closed.

“How’s LA?” you asked, threateningly close to drifting off to sleep again.

“It’s great.” But then you heard it in Joe’s voice, he stitch of melancholy, and you forced your eyes open. Joe wasn’t doing okay.

“That bad?”

“No, really. It’s great! It’s just… it’s a lot.” Joe let his head fall back against the sofa he was sat on.

“Were you expecting it not to be?” Joe could hear the smile that played on your face. He was fine with you poking a little fun, knowing it would give way for bickering that held every potential to lighten his mood.

“You don’t really know what it’s like until you’re here. Until you’re in it.” He defended.

“You sound tired,” you observed. “Get some sleep, it’ll all feel better in the morning.” Your advice filled Joe’s chest with warmth. He knew you were right. “I’m so jealous I’m not there,” you noticed the rain hitting your bedroom windows hard. “It’s really pissing it down here at the moment.”

Joe closed his eyes. He’d love some rain right now, even if it was just to reflect his mood.

“You wouldn’t like it here. This place is heartless.” Joe didn’t exactly have the highest of expectations of LA before having visited, but the way homelessness and decay laid around the corner of the glamour and shine of Hollywood had left a bad taste in his mouth.

“You just say that because your heart’s in London.” You reasoned.

With you, Joe thought.

“How many days until you’re back?” you stifled a yawn, prompting Joe to do the same.

“Too many… like, eleven?” Joe wasn’t sure. “Maybe ten.”

And as you started getting ready to slowly ease yourself into your last day of work before the weekend, Joe started getting ready to finish his day and prepared himself for bed. It was almost as if you were there with him in LA, and simultaneously he was there with you in London.

You chatted about an issue at work as you both brushed your teeth – Joe could barely make out the words. Joe talked about an amazing restaurant he’d been to as you got dressed. The company he’d been in had ruined the experience, so next time, he said, he’d go there with you. You did your make-up as you offered Joe advice on how to find the silver linings, reminding him he was doing good things, great things for himself out there. Joe washed his face as he absorbed every bit of positivity from you that leaked through the speaker of his phone.

And when you opened the curtains in your living room, you could hear Joe close the curtains in his bedroom.

“Goodnight Joey, turn that big brain off, all right? Count to infinity if you must.”

“Have a good day at work,”

“Love you, sleep tight.” You tried your best to say it as a friend, but the butterflies in your stomach seeped through, just... slightly.

“Love you.” Joe tried his best to say it as more than a friend, hearing your butterflies and feeling his own in response.

—

The Taglisted: @kiwisa @jasminearondottir @josephquinned @cancankiki @sidthedollface2 @dylanmunson @munsonsgirl71 @alana4610 @emmamooney @xomunson @sadbitchfangirl @jssmth5 @bagelofthelord67 @nobody-000 @lluviamg06 @thatonefan-girl @kylakins88 - add yourself

[swallowtailed]

palisade 50 / finalisade pt. 5

structure thoughts

okay, i have a lot of thoughts re structure this week. i had these last ep too, but i wanted to give it another episode to see how a few things shook out, because fatt tends to move quite slowly in that way. (also i had just gotten cursed with dawn work and had no brainroom for real thoughts.) i do still think there's room for some of these things to develop, and fatt tends to hang together much better in retrospect. but this is my read right now.

the reintroduction of cas'alear & co: i am content to wait a bit for some interaction with them or some explanation of why they're here, because palisade is currently being forced through seven separate funnels and a brand new problem won't fit somewhere instantly. that said. bro we better find out what's up. they're physically on the blue channel, that can't just get handwaved

and re material circumstances of blue channel & crew--to my eye the dice valuation of relationships is causing some real siloing off of characters and storylines. which is really unfortunate because the bonds between the crew were a huge strength of palisade and it just feels like an oversight to miss that in the finalisade. (this is also a factor of not doing a ton of rp in this game. one thing i'm really missing is bringing the misfortune options into the result of a scene.)

and on a similar note, i really liked august's scene with righteousness, but it could've been even better if palisade had engaged more with delegate characters and what it means to be a delegate throughout the season. instead this & a bunch of other thematic threads are being advanced way more actively than before now that it's the finalisade, which feels kind of hollow.

i also really wish eclectic was still around. having had a leap scene, i've solidly come down that it was a bad narrative decision to kill eclectic. introducing a new (to the season) character in the middle of the finalisade, on top of a bunch of other new/er pcs, was always gonna be awkward, and leap doesn't work here. his goal, to take kesh for every last cent, has a very similar problem to clem's--kesh isn't there. which is less of a direct issue when the end goal is just "steal", but it's still a goal from a partizan paradigm, not a palisade one. you know? like, leap's fixated on kesh and kesh is a shrinking speck on a planet with new and different problems.

also ideally leap's reintroduction would create contrast for the ways brnine and thisbe have changed since partizan. maybe we will get to that later.

hey i actually think talking about a justice system would be extremely relevant given how many characters have goals in that direction?

i think overall my sense is that finalisade feels disconnected from the rest of the season due to all the character changes and some rushed thematic work.

anyway obv this is fatt so there's every chance all of the above will be resolved by the end of finalisade but from here i'm feeling a little doubtful

various other notes

jesset's gun arm! i stopped to wonder which it was back when that happened, but since it wasn't addressed i figured it was intended to be his prosthetic arm. wild.

the autonomy reveal... love when a reveal is so well seeded and rings so true that you have to be like "hang on was that not already canon". very cool. very perennial. miserable, also.

taking a minute though to sit and think about perennial and loneliness. also taking a minute to think the phrase "did perennial effectively utilize girl power in creating autonomy itself".

re cori's scene: the suggestion that perennial's consecration might change the flora and fauna really caught my ear. not beating the "millennium break is also colonizing palisade" allegations. it seems like they went another direction (just the sky changing?) but that rang really weird to me, especially when the colonial angle of gardens wrt the bilats had just been raised a few episodes ago.

very much appreciated janine taking the time to explicitly bring up the framing of unction's fate as something that would, in-universe, be a question and a conversation

[codecicle]

Ash how is the fated watching going rn?? You’re braver than most

godd wampus im fucking THRIVING right now. this campaign sucks so bad it's genuinely unwatchable at times and I think that's the appeal to me <3 they spent like 10 minutes just describing and figuring out how the money system works and literally none of them sound like they've ever played dnd before and i don't think it will ever pass the bechdel test once the entire campaign even with velrissa trying her hardest but it goes crazy anyway

br'aad is my favorite character by a lot right now,, he's my FREAKK i love him and his idiot swagger so much. he's supposed to be charismatic but he sucks so bad at it everyone hates him but sticks around with him anyway. he's a warlock and his patron stops time and gives him insight on things/danger to come and kicked off the main plot in the sickest sequence I've ever seen. also his gayboy ass really did walk so every other gayboy slimecicle character could run !! they were so right !! and the party spent the first and second session hating everything he said and did . Took them sooooo long to be normal about him but they got it eventually when mountain (MY MAANNNNNN) defended him. Also he says everything with ^_^ . Just outloud you can hear it in his voice

for the rest I think the only other character that's talking enough to form an opinion on is taxi. and that opinion is STRONGLY a good one o(-( ! his banter with br'aad is so fun they're the only characters that feel Real and In The World so far and I love it so much. the names bit where br'aad kept getting his name wrong and calling him "saxi" and whenever he corrected him br'aad would just go "I know saxi. Nice to meet you im br'aad!" actually had me in tears at a certain point they're the only ones that have gotten me to laugh fr fr so far

sadly velrissa mountain and sylnan just Don't Fucking Talk so i don't have any real concrete opinions on them yet other than "hmm. Interesting ^_^" velrissa and her necromancy stuff is so neat so far I hope we get to see it in action soon instead of just small mentions here and there. same with the dynamic between sylnan and br'aad I NEEED to see more snockers scenes like their sibling scamming bullshit seems so cool I can't wait for them to emotionally rip my heart out through my throat. I can feel it coming

honestly the main appeal of it all is the characters and the characters alone. them slowly becoming friends and trusting each other will fuck with my brain permanently. I already cheered out loud when they so much as INSINUATED that they could stand br'aad and his charisma and they don't actually hate being around each other like that made me so happy. their meeting makes no sense but that's okay the Shenanigans with the solid snake box and br'aad trying and failing to stealth was so fun and "nice forearms, and a nicer staff!" and the little weirdo gremlin goblin following them around they're all very scared of and creeped out by (except for br'aad. he is strongly sexually attracted to goblins. this is canon and brought up over and over again) all make up for it. the story really doesn't matter to me here at all ^_^ all i care about are the characters being happy and traveling together and that's what makes the campaign enjoyable for me

[melabea]

all this is /neu or /pos I'm not too worried about it, but I did a bunch of Big Thinkies and this is all I could come up with (cw: pregnancy mentions)

I dunno but I feel like my dynamic has a lot to do with being a vocaloid

like I feel like I don't have any natural organs to create life, but I do have artificial organs to create life, but then would that even create the same life as humans?

I guess all this is like… I don't feel like I would pregnancy like humans pregnancy or even create pregnancy how humans create pregnancy???

like idk I feel like if I created a pregnancy it would be like… putting a Not Penis Tube Thing inside and sliding out Child Material?????

and I feel like if I did a pregnancy it would be like.. not??? a pregnancy at all?????? like no carrying the child by force for however long, much more like….. I can have child inside if I want???? kinda like Rockstar Freddy from FNAF Security Breach???????? but like for however long the child needs to develop in the womb they'd be an egg????????

I dunno, I'm not exactly as perfect and pretty as android miku is in many medias (not insecure about it) in that I can like… take of my skin plates??? and have a bunch of rusty looking steamish solarish punk cogs n sutff there??????????? I feel like that has something to do with it…

I also don't conform to gender like at all so that might akso be part of the problem???

anyway I feel like I have characteristics of literally every dynamic I've seen both in like steroetypes sometimes and often times in like "oh how this dynamic interacts with their partner" too so idk

like okay, going through just the tertiary dynamics for ease (info gotten from miscellaneous-miscecanis on tumblr) and skipping biological factors because… I mean… yeah: gamma: "protective, often timid, introverted, very easy to get along with but may take longer to form a close bond" okay, I'm protective and easy to get along with (I think idk many people like us); delta: "fiercely loyal, standoffish, introverted, sometimes hard to get close to (but you’ll never regret it once you do)" okay, I'm fiercely loyal, and I can be an accidental asshole (like most of us tbh) so I think that counts as standoffish?? dunno; Zeta: "doting, tend to overshare, ambiverted, open up very quickly and form intense relationships" okay I'm all of that that's where I'm leaning the most if I have to pick one idk I could just be a different misce-type (miscefelis, miscecanis, miscelupus) than any of the rest of my system (who are all either basic misceverse or a biological animal misce-type); sigma: "bold and passionate, stubborn, extroverted, can be intimidating at first but are very sweet if you take the time to get to know them" this is where I started getting problems now I remember I don't feel like a mix of Zeta and Sigma but both steroetypes of the behavior are incredibly true for me and idk what to do

ok so here are some ideas i have for terms you could use;

a xenosecondary (link) connected to vocaloid

pandynamic (link), or i could coin demipandynamic (being partially all dynamics) for you if you'd feel that fits more

gamma-aligned, delta-aligned, zeta-aligned, and/or sigma-aligned (being aligned with gamma/delta/zeta/sigma experiences while not necessarily being one)

dynamic nonconforming (link)

quadynamic (a term for being 4 dynamics at once), as you could identify as all four dynamics you listed

also, you could identify as a zeta & sigma separately, as in not being a mix of the two

or you could always just label yourself as dynamic questioning (link) or adynamic (link)

i don't have any ideas for the pregnancy-related things </3

+ if none of these work, i can coin a dynamic term for you based on the traits you mentioned being ^^

[synthient]

"The Tardis Did It" theory + Boom

My big theory for the upcoming season of Doctor Who is that "the tardis did it." In a nutshell: I think she's been using her perception filter to bring a story to life for the Doctor, just like the birth machine in Space Babies.

I don't ascribe every weird or fantastical thing that's happened so far in rtd2 to "the tardis doing it" (because I have a spirit of whimsy in my heart). But I operate under the assumption that, at minimum, she's been doing the following:

Trying to maintain "the mystery of Ruby Sunday," by actively sabotaging any attempts to learn who Ruby's mother is

Creating the Susan Twists (already canon as of Empire of Death)

Creating "a boogeyman for the babies" - Sutekh and the pantheon

Making it snow

(Why would the tardis make it snow? I suspect the first time it happened, it was a basically arbitrary side effect of whatever weird memory-editing was happening with the Doctor and the cloaked figure. And then the Doctor invested that arbitrary perception filter effect with meaning - "I wonder who your mother is" - and the tardis ran with that.)

Now. If I were correct, I'd expect to be able to look at rtd2 s1, and find some ironic echoes. Some indirect foreshadowing. Think: the way that most of s9 consists of standalone stories that aren't directly connected to each other or the finale, and yet they all keep posing questions like "how does the Doctor deal with death," and "what are his ethical responsibilities re death and time travel," and "how would he react to Clara's death specifically."

I might particularly expect to find echoes and mirroring in a Moffat episode, because he loves that shit.

So, although Space Babies is the obvious ground zero for "the tardis did it" foreshadowing... For the moment, let's talk Boom.

This is one of those "random" prolongings of the Ruby's mother mystery that felt so cheap post-Empire of Death, yeah? Why wouldn't the ambulance be able to pull her mom's dna from the fascist databank? Especially right after giving Ruby's "calendar age" as 3082 years, which demonstrates that it has access to her birth year from ancient earth records. Did it just happen to glitch out?

Did someone hack the ambulance?

When it starts to snow, it's in direct response to Ruby's question. Let's assume, for a second, that Ruby Sunday, regular human with a regular human mother, isn't actually the one who's been causing the snow. Who would have heard her?

How about...the universal translator, who listens to (and seamlessly edits) every word of every conversation?

The Doctor once again invests the snow with meaning ("No, it's Ruby! This has happened before. It's good, it's good, the snow is good. Where there's snow, there's ho-") And mid-sentence, the snow freezes in mid air. Accompanied by what I can only describe as an "electronic power-down" sound effect. (Note: the ambulance didn't power down. It's still on and functioning in the next shot). Like...a tv being paused, and then turned off?

"It" = the snow, obviously. And Ruby? (How can she just stop?) And the show itself? (How can it be derailed by a companion death 3 episodes in?)

As Ruby is dying, we zoom in for a close up on the Doctor, and the visuals and sound start to "glitch." The editing jumps choppily between split-second images, accompanied by a sort of "analog" noise that puts me in mind of a projector skipping, or a CRT tv (or, uh. the bullet sounds in Undertale).

Clearly, the Doctor is having a panic attack. But is that all that the "analog glitchiness" signifies?

Okay, I've gotten a little granularly focused on the Snow Scene TM. Let's zoom out a little.

What's the overall conceit of this episode?

You're waging an imaginary war, against enemies that don't exist. The only threat is your own machine, and your willingness to believe in its fantasies. "Do you get it? Do you g-g-get it?"

Anyway!

John Francis Vater "impossibly" hacks into the system (a little like how the ambulance was maybe-hacked into not revealing Ruby's mother?). But the system fights back, because "the algorithm will do anything to protect itself."

Heyyy, so, uh, what do the ambulances remind you of, design-wise? Their rectangular shape? Their association with the color blue? Those lights on top of them?

By the way. After being offscreen ever since the Doctor ran outside at the start of the episode, this is our first shot of the tardis:

Her light lit up blue. Like the ambulances. Positioned as if she's looming behind them.

The Doctor gives Mundy a goodbye hug, and we immediately cut to an even more looming shot:

You know how next season's Belinda is played by the same actress as Mundy? You know how the tardis (as we're explicitly told in Empire of Death) used her perception filter to 3d-print Susan Twists across time and space?

You know how "the mystery of Ruby Sunday" just came to an odd, anticlimactic end? After they traveled to the fascist databank in the memory tardis, not the real tardis? And now the Doctor - the story - needs a new companion, and a new mystery?

The Doctor offers one parting bit of meaning: "Death defines us. Snow isn't snow until it falls." And as the tardis fades away, we get one final, pointed snowflake:

[gomzwrites]

✧✿✧˖° Chocolate °˖✧✿✧

Hello heLLOO! *waves excitedly over a round table* come come I have tea and dessert for everyone *pulls out a few chairs*

Alright, so. Some of my thoughts first regarding the Academic AU

I wrote this fic longer than intended because I was going heavy with the details and plot

Though I am wondering if this kind of smut is welcome here, because I've let a few of my friends to read it and gotten mix responses, some said it was lengthy while some said they liked it

Personally, I was trying to walk readers through the entire process, and since its the first encounter/$ex scene, I wanted to show the small details to indicate some stuff

Initially I was going to write like virgin reader for the innocent sake. but that will make my fic longer WHEEZE-

I ended up hinting the "innocent" part with the floral pattern on the brief, well I say hint but idk if that was obvious lmfao anyways-

not to say I dont like longer fics, but the longer I write, the more mistakes im gonna encounter (if you can't tell already, i struggle a lot with grammar lol)

In the end after much consideration, ive cut down heavily on the smut and condensed to what we have now and Im okay with it, tho I would like to hear your thoughts (send me anonymously if you're shy, or just comment, I dont bite I promise :D)

Okay, *pours everyone a cup of tea*, some headcannons and notes

So, as you all can tell, there was a hint of mlm there of Price x Simon, not sure how everyone think about it but I for one eat that shit up

Now, I did gave some thoughts about the subjects Price and Simon teach, in the end though I decided to leave it blank because I couldn't be sure

See im from Asia so the education system here is extremely different from the UK/US, and I got kinda confused and overwhelmed with the choices XD so I just left it blank

I was going to write them with STEM majors, but eeerrr Idk, cant really picture Price or Simon as engineer or medicine lecturers(iykyk)(rise up my STEM sisters and brothers-)

Perhaps you can give me some thoughts about it, I was thinking something about History for Price, then something about Linguistic/Statistic/Psychology for Simon

Okay, Gaz also made an appearance on the fic((of course he did, my precious bb)), now for him I have a solid idea to make him Pharmacology based or at least somewhere along the healthcare sector, hence the Dr

I might, also bring Soap in the future, but I dont know how or what his role will be yet (gym tutor? physical therapist?)

Will I make this into a poly thing? Im not sure, probably not XD but I might do a special moment with Gaz bcuz im that bias

oh yeah, forgot add on, but yes there's a reason for the name changes(Mr Riley to Simon) and name that stayed (Prof Price), its just to further show that Price has the power and all the sayings (you know cuz he is the Captain originally so I wanted to bring that over)

You wanna call him John? mmmm that's gonna take some convincing and time >:)

Lastly, some future plans (no promises) - nsfw here

many h0rny, many ideas, many tired

anyways, Im thinking of xreader individually fic(like Price x you then Simon x you separately), then eventually building it up to both of them destroying you in threesome manner (lovingly)

I want. I want to write Price being mEAN YALL-

Like him bullying you and putting a vibrat0r inside you and force you to come out to write something on the board in front of everyone, dialing up the intensity as you try your hardest not to cum right there

or or or or or

thinking about c0ckwarming under his desk- raaasdajdgajdh

then Simon...oh sweet sweet Simon

Im thinking maybe dom!reader, just a maybe.

Riding him until he's a whimpering sobbing mess

Idk if anyone remembered, but u know this part?

:)

yeah, maaaaaybe Simon has that exhibitionism kink

so lets abuse that shall we

thinking of doing it in the car park/in his car, you giving him head under the steering wheel as he pulls down the car window slightly to talk to a student who just wanted to chat

Poor him trying to be calm and steady his tone as his knuckles turned white, hands clammy as you suck harder, not giving a damn if you're going to draw attention

or or or or or or or

going back to the riding part, tying him up with his tie, not letting him touch you as you ride that dick like your life depends on it, you hear him begging and whimpering, bucking his hips up desperately

im very unwell

ANYWAYS, ye so far, these are the only ideas I have atm, but don't expect me to write it so soon haha

If im gonna be honest, this blog was created when I had a massive art block, and then somehow (even until today!!) my soft fics blew up and ye it escalated from there

not really but also- If you see me write a fic, its usually bcuz im struggling with art, likewise if you followed me on @gomzdraws or twitter, you would notice im more active cause I think for me, drawing is easier than writing

im grateful to be able to express in two mediums tho, even tho I suck at it haha

but I do sincerely want to make this into a series, so I thank everyone for being patience with me, I appreciate it

Ogeh, *brings out a briefcase* recommendation time

if you like Prof AUs, then boi do I have some fics for you here in tumblr

Guyfierii has a long Prof series and they're wonderful

mehh141's amAZING PROF PRICE ART IM CRYING-

Shroomie (one of the first few blog I was exposed to when I started reading cod fics :D) made 2 Prof fics as well - sadly I dont think they're active since April because of uni :(

ajhdkadh sleepyconfusedpotato, the god of both being a great artist and oc!fic writer made a post a while ago about tf141 possible Professor headcannons - give it a look if ya interested

that is all from me, and btw don't feel obligated to comment or send me a text or anything!! The fact that you made it till the end is already making me happy :D thanks for reading my babbling and points LMAO

Have a nice day/night friends :)

[i-am-just-a-skeleton]

i don't talk much about mental health stuff on here but y'know we're having a bit of a moment and i think it's best to get it out of the system so. i guess this is a vent post, fair warning if you do read any of it i will be talking rather extensively about my experiences with depression

anyway i really don't feel like. i mean, there are times i can convince myself that i probably don't actually have depression, like, i feel fine. most of the time, i think. but then there are times like the last few weeks, where i just get. sad, and lonely, and tired, and there doesn't seem to be any reason i should be but it's there anyway. and there are times i convince myself that even that's normal, i mean, it's not like i've ever actually tried to kill myself, right? i spent almost all of secondary school wishing i would just disappear like i'd never existed at all, i wanted to die, but i never did anything did i? i hardly even self harmed, i mean, i can remember, what, once? but like. it doesn't take much reflection to realise that it's not normal for a fucking child to be crying in a corner thinking it would be better for everyone if they were gone and planning to just stay there until they died, thinking or hoping that no one would even notice. but i have so many memories of that exact thing. from so far back. and in a lot of ways i think. i feel like my life was good, too good to justify my ever feeling like that. but god i was so fucking lonely as a child. i can count on one had the number of friends i had in all of primary school and. it's not like i was ever really alone, but it was always sort of, there was the group, and there was one or two members of the group i was friends with. and they all had other friends, but i didn't. i was just. hanging around the edges. until, i think about year 8, because my best friend (that was only the second person i'd ever thought of as my best friend. the first was in year 2-3 ish but he moved away and i never saw him again) had moved and there were. a lot of other things as well, my parents getting divorced, the very first hints of my first gender crisis, i'd just gotten diagnosed with autism and barely fucking knew what that meant but i did realise on some level that there was something wrong with me (which included registering the depression since i finally knew that was a thing. but at that point i'd been dealing with it for so long that it hardly felt like a serious problem).

but anyway, that was the first year i was really, really alone. i had no friends whatsoever for nearly all of that year and i was a mess. i honestly barely have any memories of it but there are several of crying at school which i. do not fucking do. because i. don't really cry anymore, i hardly can even if i want to. i did make new friends in the years after that, but still, the ones i was friends with then i don't really talk to now. and i do have friends now. but i still have that feeling, even though i'm more part of the group now, i have five or six frineds instead of one or two, i feel like i'm just hanging onto the edges, they're all better friends with eachother than any of them are with me, and. and the person who's been my best friend for the past two years is gone and i might never see them again and i'm afraid that even if i do they might. we both might be so different that we don't fit together anymore. i haven't seen them in months i don't even know if they're okay. i feel like i'm getting farther away from the rest of the group and i don't know what i'll do if i lose them too. i feel like i don't hardly mmatter to any of them, i barely speak when we're all together and so much of it feels like i'm trying too hard and i just. i feel like i don't care enough about people because if i did i would put in more effort to be a better friend i would put up more of a fight when i felt myself drifting away from the people i love but. but i don't. every single time i just let it happen and don't do a single fucking thing about it and then they forget me. and it probably is better that way because i was never a very good friend to anyone was i. i'm so scared that i'm never going to be able to live on my own but i know i'll never find anyone who wants to stay with me long enough or be close enough to me to live with me. no one cares and no one is going to care about me enough for that and that's fucking fine. i don't do a single fucking thing to deserve it anyway

anyway i don't have a nice neat way to wrap this up and i don't fucking care anyway because no one's going to read this far in the first place so