#but by that logic mai shouldve gotten it

[jgnico]

After thinking long and hard about it, I think Naoya getting the cover is revenge for Gojo winning the popularity poll again.

[banchieplaysminecraft]

How Aaron could’ve been a good character and why he wasn’t

I’ve been annoyed at this for a good long while and i’ve finally gotten around to talk about it so here we gooo

please note that, though i watched all of mcd s2 while it was coming out, i haven’t rewatched it all the way through (i’m a little less than halfway through s2) so bear with me

now, we can all agree that we didn’t really have a lot of beef with aaron in s1. was it annoying that aph was keeping secrets?  yes. did we actively enjoy the fact that this random edgelord showed up with all of this convenient information? sure. but did we actively dislike him? i don’t think so

im sure that some people did, but it was a far cry from the universal grudge that we as a fandom hold. the only question is, what changed?

the answer is pretty simple: he got annoying

there is no greater sin that a content creator can commit than to make a character tedious--especially a character that the fans are meant to root for. i once heard someone say that there is no such thing as a good character and a bad character, there are only interesting characters or boring characters

now, before the s1 finale, aaron wasn’t annoying because he made sense. we didn’t know a lot about his backstory, but we knew just enough to not have a lot of questions while also understanding why he as a character worked. he spied on zane, he got information, and he got away with it because, according to every government in existence, he was dead. he was doing it to avenge his village, which seemed to be his reason for doing most things.

 that was basically it, because that was all that we needed. he didn’t answer personal questions because that could reveal his identity, and he didn’t hang around phoenix drop proper because he knew that there was a spy in the village who might figure him out. all in all, he was a very logical character

what changed? his motivation

after the gang sealed zane in the irene dimension, may i ask WHAt the fuck was his reason for staying??? nothing! what was his reason for keeping his identity a secret? pretty much nothing! it made no sense!!

according to all of his characterization as a *~lone wolf~*, it would make the most sense for him to strike out on his own and do whatever the fuck, maybe occasionally popping back in to warn the main characters of some impending doom, maybe hold a giant fuckass sword to someone’s throat again, maybe find some other tyrant to destroy.

but he didn’t, and it made no sense

this was made exponentially worse because he was an ~edgy dark angsty boy with a sad past and a dead wife~ and because he seemed to be able to do no wrong. he rarely, if ever, communicated with the rest of the group, and he often just went out on his own--and yet, most people seemed to trust him unconditionally?? he always seems to show up at the right place and the right time with little to no explanation as to how, and no one ever questions it. sure, laurance and dante had some doubts and even spoke up once or twice, but laurance’s grievances are mostly due to being in love with aph, and literally no one else ever asked anything, despite not even knowing his fucking name

and, of course, everyone thinks that he’s super hot and aphmau falls in love with him and then he dies a tragic death in a moment of self-sacrifice that really wasn’t all that heroic because he left his wife and child behind

i mean, come on

THAT BEING SAID he had soooo muuch potentiaalllllll

LET ME EXPLAIN

during s1, his role in the story was the spy--and he was very good at it, because everyone thought that he was dead!! how are you gonna blame a dead man for anything without sounding crazy! no one knew his name or his face or anything--and they should’ve kept it that way because, surprise!! theyre still at war in s2. sure, it’s a different war, but it’s still! a fucking! war! and like 70% of war is ESPIONAGE and INFORMATION and STRATEGY, havent you ever heard the phrase KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE??? they literally had possibly the best spy that they knew of and instead of actually putting his skills to work he just dramatically leans on trees and sits in the shadows??? WHAT

he clearly had ways to get into high places, since he had somehow gotten his hands on the amulet in s1, and he used to be a lord so he would’ve known things about POLITICS and KINGDOM STUFF--i mean, we all know that aphmau knows jack shit about this world and how it works.

what SHOULDVE HAPPENED IS:

after they all get back to the overworld, he leaves the party. idc if it’s immediately after or if he waits a few days, but he leaves regardless. every once in awhile, we hear of him popping up in various places, and we run into him a few times. he informs the gang of what he’s heard, maybe tags along on some missions. he still shows up in random places the way that he does in canon, but since he’s not based it phoenix drop i think that it makes a bit more sense, and he occasionally pops back into phoenix drop whenever he’s in the area or needs time to rest and recharge, and stays an informant for aphmau & her crew. as things pick up, he slowly becomes a more commonly-seen member of aphmau’s inner circle. 

throughout this whole period, he finally starts to come to terms with the death of his wife & their village, and he slowly starts to share more with the group--nothing big, just details here and there--and he actually starts to develop *gasp* a personality. i’d like to imagine that he gets closer with laurance, dante, and katelyn instead of only ever talking to aphmau. i don’t think that he’s ever super talkative, but he starts to be a little less quiet & closed off. 

at this point, he’s either told them his name or (preferred) they all have a list of nicknames that they cycle through to address him. sooner or later he starts to help with the building of phoenix drop and the alliance, taking on duties that are more akin to his old role as lord. he either phases the espionage out of his schedule or ghostwrites all of the legislation, and falls more easily into his new roles

i don’t really care if he ever ends up with aphmau or not, but if he does then that also happens at some point or another, but i, at least, would no longer be angry at that outcome

However, this whole plot would require everyone in the story to take literally all of their roles in this literal government that they’re building seriously, and we all know that that’s never going to happen, but i can dream /s

Tl;dr, if aaron actually used his strengths and skills to be a useful member of this alliance instead of randomly showin up and dramatically hitting things with his giant fuckoff sword, he’d be so much more tolerable

[letstalkaboutshtufff]

Burning Secrets Obi Wan Kenobi x Padawan Reader Pt 1

Pairing: Obi Wan Kenobi x Padawan reader

Summary: reader gets injured on a mission and tries to hide it from her master.

Warnings: mild swearing, mention of injury, violence

A.n Hello my lovelies! I absolutely adore Obi Wan and couldn't help but write something about him after rewatching clone wars! Enjoy😊 part 2

*************************************************

You knew the danger that came with every republic mission. Not everyone always survived. And often times you made it out with more than a scratch. But that came along with the job.

Being a padawan meant that you were always put in dangerous situations. Along with your master Obi wan Kenobi. Most of the time things went relatively well. Your master would often bail you out of trouble when things got too sticky.

However this particular mission went a little different..

You were on the planet Saigon, defending against a large group of pirates who attempted to take the planet for themselves. Normally pirates were no match for the jedi forces however they had something they didnt before...the separatist army backing them as well as a new leader, Zoc tane.

Obi wan and you had split up, you took a decent sized squadron and managed to bomb their main camps while Obi Wan worked on freeing the enslaved citizens.

"Y/n, status report" the collected voice of your master broke through the chaos around you. You sliced your lightsaber through one of the battle droids as you brought your wrist up to your mouth.

"We bombed the camps, just finishing off these-" another droid ran up but you ducked under and swiped from behind, "-droids.."

"Very good, finish up quickly and meet me back at the slave camps, we could use the extra help"

"Alright be there as soon as I can" you shouted orders to the men and began fighting off the remaining droids.

"Alright men let's hurry to help the others!" You all jumped atop your speeders and made for the slave camps.

"Sir over there!" Pinks shouted suddenly, you followed the direction of the clones finger until you spotted the familiar face from the briefing this morning.

"Tane.."you growled. quickly you shouted for 2 of the men to follow you and the rest to go aid master kenobi.

"Sir are you sure thats a go-"

"If we let him leave this planet we may never get a chance like this again!" The cadet nodded and hurriedly followed orders.

You were quickly gaining on Tane, he shot some blasts with an arm bent back but you all dodged easily.

After a while of high speed chasing your comlink beeped.

"Y/n! Your men just told me you went after Tane! Don't be foolish, he is much stronger than you, get back here immedi-" with a click you shut off the com and focused on the battle. You could tell him it got messed up in the battle. You were not letting a chance like this slip away. And you were definitely planning to prove yourself by taking Tane down yourself. Just then the criminal threw a little ball backwards.

"BOMB!" you managed to veer right and dodge however pinks wasn't as lucky.

"Speedy, get him to a medical droid!" You shouted at the other clone, not slowing down your pursuit. Before speedy could even try to stop you, you were gone.

Tane eventually landed in front of a small space ship.

You hurriedly jumped off and force threw a giant rock in front of him, successfully blocking his space craft door.

He smirked and turned around. His tentacles moving eerily around him. He was built like master fisto, strong and swift.

"Well done little one, but what will you do now? Surely you aren't thinking of fighting me alone are you?"

You bit your lip, you had planned on at least having the boys with you but that quickly flew out the window. The logical part of you said that you shouldve turned back but the young fighter in you pushed you forward. Eager to prove yourself. You confidently lifted your chin and ignited your saber, "That's exactly what I plan to do"

He smiled even wider, "Well then trust me when I say it wont be much of a fight.." he drew his own weapons, double swords that glowed black. Ugh great, off brand sabers. How many kinds of weapons did he have anyway?!

"We'll see about that!" You sneered and charged forward.

******************************************

"Why must I always get stuck with the most stubborn padawans!" Kenobi shook his head. You were skilled yes, more than anakin had been at that age but you still had much to learn. And Tane was not an enemy to be taken lightly. He sighed with frustration and worry.

"Alright men, let's deal with this as quickly as possible!" He prayed that you would hold your own until he got there. Perhaps you had listened and were already on the way back? Yeah right..maybe in another universe..

**********************************************

The fight had proven to be more difficult than you previously imagined. You could practically hear obi wan tsking.

"I'm almost impressed padawan, your lasting much longer than any of my other opponents, but no matter, soon you'll be dead like the rest of them"

You tensed at his words, he was still relatively unharmed, you managed to place a searing scratch on his arm but that did little to weaken him. Ok new plan..if I can't beat him, I can at least keep him from escaping.

Quickly you force jumped over his head which at first confused him but he quickly realized what you were up to. He glared,

"Stupid little pest!" He jumped after you but you were quick to dodge and made sure to jab your saber wherever possible. When he got a little too close you managed to force push him off which gave you just enough time to jam your saber through the main engine.

You smirked knowing he wouldn't be leaving any time soon.

"Aghh" a burning sensation across your stomach brought your attention back to Tane.

You clutched your stomach and took a few steps back trying to regain your composure.

You tried force pushing him back but he was quicker and kicked you back sending another wave of pain through you.

Shit shit shit, you desperately tried to push yourself up as he walked menacingly towards you. His weapons crackling dangerously at his sides. You tried force calling your fallen saber but it was no use. You were too exausted.

"I must say I'm disappointed" he mocked walking closer.

You managed the best smirk you could through the pain.

"Disappointed? I did destroy your only exit off this planet did I not?"

His smile dropped into a low growl, "Yes.." he lifted the saber high above his head, "and you'll pay for it!"

You tried using the force but found yourself too weak. So this is how it ends...how embarrassing....

Shutting your eyes you resigned yourself to your fate.

Forgive me master

...................

No need for apologies just yet little one

Huh?

The smooth sound of your masters voice floated in your mind.

You snapped your eyes wide open. "Master!" You shouted in surprise.

"Sorry I'm late" he said in his usual playful tone.

"Aghhhh" Zane let out a grunt as Obi Wan pushed him backwards and began dueling. Zane was powerful you had to admit, however he was no match for your master and his years of experience and soon started to show signs of fatigue.

"You alright commander?" Rex came up and offered you a hand. Smiling you accepted and tried to hide the inevitable wince of pain.

You knew he would go straight to kenobi if you were injured in any way and you were determined to hide it as long as possible. It was highly likely that Obi wan would punish you for running into danger alone like that, an injury on top of that would make everything worse. He would probably bar you from missions for a long long long time. And the worst part was how disappointed he would be..

Shifting your robes closed you smiled reassuringly, "I'm fine, I'm assuming things went well on your end?"

He nodded, a look of pride crossing his face,"More than well I'd say, cleaned up those droids in record time" you laughed lightly then drew your attention to a now unconscious Tane.

Stepping close you watched as you master disabled his lightsaber, clipping it back on his belt. Sensing your presence he turned around and offered you a small smile. He scanned your form quickly, satisfied when he didn't notice anything out of place.

"Y/n, looks like I got here just in time" he crossed his arms smirking.

"Oh please, I had the situation completely under control"

He scoffed, "Under control? If that's what you call under control, I'd hate to see your definition of a bad situation"

"Oh hush" you rolled your eyes, " Everything worked out didn't it?"

He sighed shaking his head slightly,"Yes we may have won this time, but you were too reckless, what if I hadn't gotten here in time?" He said, his face a turning serious.

You avoid his gaze, you hated that scolding look he gave you.

"I know...I'm sorry.." you mumbled. With another shake he finally placed a gentle hand on your shoulder. "Well in any case, you did manage too thwart Tanes escape, for that I say well done" you immediately met his eyes with a beaming smile. He smirked as he couldn't help but feeling slightly proud of his student.

Finally some recognition!

"We can discuss your blantent disregard of my orders later.." he added seriously.

Ughhh whyyyyy

You hung your head down again as he led everyone back to the ship's.

The more you walked the more your injury throbbed. You almost cried in relief when the ships finally came into view. The first chance you got you snuck off into private quarters and assessed the damage.

A nasty dark and ugly wound decorated your stomach. It had blistered and was turning very unflattering shades. You gingerly applied some numbing cream. It was the only useful thing you found in the small med kit. All private quarters had a simple one, small bandages and low dose pain relievers, anything for something more serious was packed near the medical droid. For sure if you ventured there some clone would see you. Many were being treated themselves.

You sighed and debated on wrapping the wound. Wait are you supposed to wrap burns or let them breathe?? Crap you shouldve paid more attention during basic first aid.

You decided to let the wound breathe by changing into one of your training long sleeve crop tops. You swung on your cloak and made sure it covered everything.

Perfect, non restricting and Obi Wan will have no clue. Oh I better remember to be mindful of my thoughts, never know when he could be listening.

Satisfied you walked back out and headed towards the food units...

...........................................................................

The flight home wasn't as dreadful as you previously thought. Your master told you to get some rest which you gladly obeyed. Although it did little to soothe your aches. The cream worked in short bursts, soon you had used up all the supply. If only you could get some of the strong stuff from the med bay...you pondered for a moment but decided against it. Nope you wouldnt risk it. Obi wan had a talent for popping up out of nowhere. Especially so when you were up to something. Sighing you layed back down in the cot and closed your eyes.

******************************************

"Y/n"? Just how long do you plan to sleep?" Your eyes shot open at the sudden voice echoing around you. You squinted and sighed annoyingly when you realized it was just Obi wan.

"Ugh master, didn't you say I should go rest?" You flopped a pillow over your head and flipped sides.

Stupid move, your stomach burned at the sudden twist. You but your lip determined to conceal the pain.

"Rest yes? Hibernate no?" He chuckled softly and force shoved the pillow off of you. You glared up at him through your disheveled hair.

"In case you're unaware, we landed quite some time ago, you've been sleeping quite a long time, I actually came because I was worried you had passed out or something" he joked.

"!!" Even though he was teasing you felt a tinge of worry. You quickly sat up, and did your best to act like your stomach was not being roasted over an open fire at the moment. "I um must've been more tired than I realized" you lamely joked back. You could not believe you actually slept through most the entire trip.

He shook his head amused, "Well hurry up, the council is keen to hear how the mission went"

Oh good lord, anything but that. You felt fear rise in you. Standing for what may be hours in front of the council did not seem like the best treatment for you right now. What if you accidentally let your pain slip through the force and one of them senses it??

A million scenarios ran through your mind as the two of you walked towards the temple meeting room.

"Y/n?" Obi wan side eyed you slightly curious."Everything alright?" You didnt realize you had been so quiet.

You quickly plastered a smile on your face "Yup everythings fine, just dreading the long meeting ahead, I wonder if anyones actually died of boredom before" you joked lightly.

He rolled his eyes and soon the both of you were standing before all members of the jedi council. Heavens help me..

*************************

You had been right, the meeting had been long and boring and a million times worse because of the throbbing burning sensation, however you had held strong and no one seemed to notice anything was wrong.

You let out a sigh of relief when you finally exited. Knowing now you had a decent chance of sneaking some higher grade medical treatments without being spotted.

Just as you were about to make your escape your master called out from behind you.

Heavens when was I going to catch a break?!

Forcing a smile you turned slightly, "yes master?"

"I have some new techniques I want to teach you later, get something to eat and rest for awhile, then meet me in our usual training rooms." You nodded and turned back around heading to your room.

Great now you had to learn new moves while simultaneously hiding your worsening wound. Could this day get any better...

******************************************

You let out a sigh as you stood before the training doors. You had treated the wound and taken some pain pills. You felt much better however it was still very painful to the touch. You would try to avoid any hits but you knew that it was going to be a challenge.

You pressed the button opneing the sealed doors. Your master sat in the middle meditating. He smiled when he noticed your presence, "Ah Y/n, right on time" he stood up and grabbed two training sabers, tossing one to you, "Shall we?" He smirked getting into a fighting stance.

"Ready when you are.." you mirrored his actions swallowing the large lump of nerves.

You were only a half and hour in and you felt as though you had just fought a whole droid army using a stick.

You were sweating profusely and your mind had trouble focusing in order to predict your masters movements. Obi wan stepped back at some point holding his hand up as a signal to stop.

He eyed you with a look you were too exausted to decipher, "Y/n? Is something wrong? I figured with the ship and earlier you had had enough rest, but perhaps I'm missing something?" His voice was now laced with concern and confusion.

Shaking your head you mustered up your most confident tone, "I'm perfectly alright master, just getting used to these new techniques is all" you assured him.

Now that he was already suspicious, you had to be extra cautious. Your master was no idiot. If you slipped up, he would notice.

He swiped at his beard in thought, after a moment he relaxed, "Alright I'll take your word for it, now then shall we continue?" He lunged forward suddenly and you quickly blocked him. He swung again and again and you managed to block those as well.

He moved quickly behind you and you spun using the technique he taught you to block, well you tried at least.... Instead of meeting his weapon with your you either misjudged the distance or he was too quick because soon you found yourself on your back in a world of pain.

"You've gotten rusty my padawan" Obi Wan teased playfully above you. It was your lack of retort that made him eye you closely.

Suddenly all playfulness was gone as he took in your pained face and suddenly felt your burning pain through the force.

He was beside you on the floor in an instant, "y/n!? Are you alright?!" You had your eyes scrunched tight, your only thoughts on how you felt as if a saber stabbed through you. You couldn't even register him speaking.

Obi wan panicked slightly, had he truly hit you that hard? At first he thought you were faking in order to get the upper hand but the force didn't lie, you were in immense pain.

When you couldn't even answer his panic grew more. Carfelully he moved your clutching hand away and gently pulled apart your robe opening the middle.

You felt a rush of cool air and it soothed your pain slightly. You were still so out of hit however you felt a new...feeling in the force...

Was that fear?

Obi wans eyes widened in shock and horror as he took in the large discolored wound that plagued you. What?! How?!When?!? He found himself completely at a loss for words.

He placed a gentle hand on your cheek, "Y/n! Wake up! Tell me what's happened?!" He slapped lightly but you were barely there.

Sucking in a nervous breath he wasted no time in scooping you up into his arms. He felt a deep pang of worry when you let out a noise of distress at the movement.

In all his years Obi wan had never made it anywhere as fast as he did with you in his arms to the med bay.

His brows furrowed with worry and helplessness the entire time...

*************************************************

And that's part 1, stay tuned for part 2! Thanks for reading! Also please comment and tell me what you thought😚

[autisticangus]

anyway im so out of the loop on the mcelboys

i pretty much only keep semi-up to date with Sawbones at this point, not cuz i dont still LIKE everything else, just a lot has been goin on in my life

if anyone wants a long and rambly update on All Of The Bullshit im gonna stick a read more down here, asks are open and its cool to message me abt any of it if u want cuz i have some really nice and cool followers/mutuals here that make me comfy talkin abt that shit

as far as the future of this blog goes i wanna start using it more again! the mcelroys have gotten me out of some really dark places before so i hope having more connection to this community and the people here and their content again will help me like it has in the past! ill probs post more general mcelroy content here than previously rather than just taz btw i just gotta fuckin uhhhhh,,,, catch up on a bunch of shit again before this blog is even semi active lmaoo but im like alive and on tumblr regularly again!!

Wow u clicked on this and wanna hear me talk? Ur awesome and sweet, thanks for caring!

These past two years have been extraordinarily tough. This is gonna be a pretty long and detailed post that deals with the sensitive topics of emotional abuse, abusive relationships, and alcoholism. Please read on with caution.

Back in March of 2019, so this was about 3-4 months after i left tumblr, I got a new boyfriend and things started out really good, he was kind of a "bad boy" and it was fun at first. Im kind of a goody-goody so it was very interesting for me at first to be with someone so different who had such different life experiences than me. I liked hearing his stories of living in a traphouse, and running with gangs, and selling drugs, and knowing people who had killed people. I assumed a LOT of it was lies, obviously, who just brags about that shit u know? I just rolled with it, didnt take it seriously, and found the imagined scenarios interesting to listen to. So much of it was obviously played up to make him seem cooler, and I shouldve seen that as the red flag it was, and all my friends did but I didnt. 

He had a serious alcohol problem, I mean I had coffee in the morning and he had 2 four lokos before noon. it was bad. about 6 months into the relationship he decided i was cheating on him with my ex who i had recently reconnected with, we missed being friends and things were really going well talking and being friends again, he was really important to me! but my boyfriend saw this as yet another thing i was doing wrong. when he decided i was cheating, that become his focus of alcoholic rage. nearly every time he got drunk, which was several times a week, he would accuse me of things, he would yell and scream, he would call me horrible names and make me cry for literal hours, he never hit me but that shouldnt even matter, i was emotionally battered and mentally bruised and everything hurt. he gaslit me into believing i said and did things i never said or did, i admitted to things that were not real, and then i was yelled at for admitting them. i didnt know what to do.

he was threatening my ex too, he would get drunk and say he knew where he lived (he didnt) or he knew what car he drove (he didnt) and explained to me many times that although he had never killed someone, people had been killed before at his command. he said a bullet in the back of my ex’s brain was just a phone call and $500 away. somedays he would tell me he was just going to do it himself, with a hammer, or a kitchen knife, or whatever weapon he could get his hands on during his explanation of how he would do it. my only option was to agree, to say it didnt matter to me what happened to him, i had to pretend my on

/ly concern was him going to jail for the crime, if i showed any sign that i didn’t want my ex murdered, it clearly meant i was cheating on him. 

i pretended to block my ex on social media to get him off my back and it worked a little bit but he still brought it up. and even if he didnt directly mention him, he would always tell me when he was drunk that i was the cause of all his problems, i was why he was so self conscious, i was why he drank so much, i was why he had to work so hard, i was why every single issue he had was happening. logically i knew it was wrong, but i was so conditioned to it by then that i just went with it. i knew that agreeing and apologizing made the fighting end quicker.

things spiraled this past summer. his job needed us to relocate so we moved like 4 states away, away from all my family and friends, and lived in a tiny hotel room for a month. during this time, his drinking was somehow worse. he was drunk literally every night but he was passing out so we didnt fight and i was relieved. i was depressed being stuck in the hotel room all day alone, but thankful i wasnt being abused at least. then he started getting into drunken fistfights with his coworkers in the hotel parking lot. one day he came home just in time to find one of his drunk coworkers trying to break into the room with me there desperately trying to keep him out. i was terrified and wanted to go home but he convinced me to stay. a couple weeks after that we travelled for his work again several more states away. his drinking got a little bit better here, but i was so depressed and lonely, i was so isolated, he was all i saw day in and day out besides his coworkers and i was nervous around them. one day the guy who tried to break in on me, purposefully, while drunk, hit another coworkers car and totaled it and tried to run the guy over and i saw the whole thing. a week later my boyfriend was also fired because he got so drunk he passed out in the hotel parking lot and the company needed to save face with the hotel after the whole car incident. 

so we travelled back home, but not my home, to his where we lived isolated on a mountain with no phone signal or wifi. the house was old and not well kept from being empty for several years, half the appliances didnt work. i was more isolated than i have ever been in my life. for 4 months i stayed there and just dreaded him coming home because i knew he would be drunk again and he'd yell or accuse me of things or otherwise belittle me. it was horrible. my friends all said to leave and my parents said to leave but i was so brainwashed into thinking that if i was just a good little housewife and if i just stayed home and did the dishes and the laundry that he would be nicer but he still found things to point at and say i was cheating. he was also becoming really controlling about my food intake and weight and i already struggle with an eating disorder so that just made me feel even more like i had to stay, my brain felt like if i wasnt under his watchful eye id gain weight again, like somehow it was thanks to him i had lost weight and not my own choices.

one day last week i expressed to him wanting to leave, saying how unhappy i was, i told him how sad i felt and how i didnt think we were such a good match. he didnt take me seriously, so the next day when he got sloppy drunk before 5 pm i packed a small bag and went to my moms. i was just gonna stay for a night or two but he called and screamed at me for leaving without telling him, i told him he just didnt remember me telling him because he was so drunk, and he accused me of not caring about his feelings and made me sound like the bad guy for leaving without his permission. i told him it was just for a few days but the angrier he got the more i knew i was in the right and told him i was done. i told him we were breaking up and id come get my stuff soon.

i got my stuff while he was at work this past weekend and moved in with my best friend. im safe and happy now. things are looking so much better for me and im so thankful to my friends and family who supported me all the way to the end.

i just wanted to make this post because, i know its not mcelroy related, and a lot of ppl probably dont care for stuff like this on this kind of blog, but i think its important.

its important to friends and family of people in abusive relationships to be steady. dont give up your ground. even if the person keeps pushing back and wont leave the person, keep being there for them, it can take a long time, it took me almost 2 years to leave, it takes some people even longer, but just stay there for them and be there for them when they finally make that step. dont give up on them.

and to those who have been in these kinds of relationships, and especially those who are there right now: it is not your fault. it is so, so hard to leave, i know, but please try to find help and support and resources to do it. if all your friends dont like someone, theres a good reason for it. please dont fall into the trap of thinking your friends dont have the best intentions for you. there are so many things you may overlook in the moment that others can see from a mile away are horrible. especially if you have been abused in the past. its incredibly hard to tell what is a red flag when your gut instinct is that anything and everything is a red flag. surround yourself with people who you can trust and listen to them

and trust me, i know how hard it is when youre stuck in that spot of KNOWING you should go but fearing that first step away. its scary. its difficult. but it is worth it. find someone safe you can be with. and if you arent sure, find a reason to leave for just a few days, an excuse, anything. give yourself space from the abuser, tell yourself youre going back in a couple days, just get out from under the thumb long enough to clear your head and things will make more sense with the fog lifted.

when i first got in my car and put my kitten on my lap and told her we were going to my moms for a couple nights, i didnt know if that was the truth. i planned to come back and i knew i didnt want to. i only took enough stuff for a couple days. i couldnt imagine my life changing so drastically. where would i live? how would i make money? who take care of me? i had no clue about any of those things. but after a couple days away I realized i would take care of me. i remembered that i had worked jobs before i was with him, i could do it again. i remembered that i had options of where to live. all of those things were so clouded when i was with him, they felt like impossibilities. once i was away, even just for a short time, things were so much easier to parse.

and i know i had many privileges in this journey not everyone is afforded, and my heart goes out to those who read this and are in this situation and the options i had just arent accessible to you, i am so sorry, i wish i had something more to offer you but all i have is my story, and a wish that it gives you some hope at the very least, and a promise that if you need someone to talk to, im here, i will listen, and you will be heard and loved.

i just want everyone who reads to take something small but important away from it. love your friends, love yourself. please stay safe. please dont give up. remember love should not hurt.

[shattered-catalyst]

So this  isnt for anything other than just to say what happened just so I feel heard and I can explain why I cant be as energetic and socially active on here. Its not a callout post or to be reblogged/shared by people. Its not to get anyone in trouble or to cause any reaction. It’s just for me to let it out and reclaim this space again. Its been a year since it happened and I guess I’m just still noticing how badly it has impacted my PTSD. How much its changed me as a person both online and off, and this isnt a woe as me thing either this is just me feeling a need to be heard and explain my own behavior over the year and also to make one simple request of you guys: no matter what you do, always treat your rp partners as people first and writers second.

Because I feel myself becoming bitter and that isnt who I am and I dont want to be someone like that. Or like this. I want to be me again

The person who did this wont be named mainly because they dont deserve it and yall dont need to know. Their behavior when I confronted them more than cements the impression that they dont see any harm in what they said and how they reacted. And again this isnt about them though In A Way I suppose it is? it takes two to tango but it takes one to encourage someone to kill themselves.

This is going to be long because I need to inform on the activity that lead up to this  because it didnt just happen over night- though in a way it did. But you need a better picture of this person because apparently they present a really great face that only a few of us see the manipulative and toxic side of.

This person was always very judgemental and hyper critical. I witnessed a lot of very negative and toxic behavior from them but I was naive and just hoped they would mature as they grew older and gained more independence. I thought it was just a toxic friend group and that perhaps she would recognize her self destructive and immature behavior and grow from it. 

My first red flag should have been when they accused me of being their ex girlfriend SOLELY because I was living in PA. I hate to break it to yall, but PA is a big ass state and has a lot of comic book loving ladies. Thankfully I have never met this person IRL and I hope I never do.

They tried to pull me into making fun of other muns on discord, including mocking sensitive pictures from a mun’s personal blog. I blatantly said it wasnt okay and made me uncomfortable and she continued laughing and making jokes about it with her friend group on discord. She kept trying to pull me into it no matter how often I tried to change the subject.

Her group of friends also did this thing where one of them would go interact with a mun an they would take screenshots of the convo and share it with the group and mock the mun they were interacting with. Whether it be their presentation of character/grahics/writing style/ etc.

The other red flags I ignored? How much she complained and mocked other muns and compared them to me; if anyone did anything or said anything she disagreed with it was an instant blow up. She took EVERYTHING personally including other people writing the same characters she did, having differing headcanons, not knowng obscure details about canon, etc.

She once tried to make fun of a new writing partner I had who was writing the same character, and I had to break it to her that this new person could write in her first language if she wanted to; im being very vague but let me just say if you and your character have the same first language and you want to write in it then its completely WRONG for a white mun to try and make fun of you for it.

She once suggested I had stolen pictures off her pinterest when she sent me a moodboard request for my character. Jokes on her I didnt even know she HAD a pinterest and I had gotten all my pictures from the ‘green aesthetic’ tag on tumblr. Which I told her but she kept pushing the idea on me I had stolen them. I of course dismissed this and put it on the back burner despite the alarm bells going off.

This hyper critical and paranoid behavior continues with everything from other canon blogs making similar head canons/ vaguely similar graphics/ to fanfiction authors having similar head canons/plot ideas.

My penname Citrus? I didnt want one. I didnt want it. She demanded I have a pen name and if not she was going to call me Cat. Now as yall know I dont like being enmeshed with my muse so I keep myself separate from them. I didnt like being called Cat and I told her that explicitly. She kept doing it. So I had to make a pen name because she refused to respect my boundaries.

When the Deadpool movie came out she DEMANDED I change my FC to reflect the movie Despite Not Changing Hers to reflect her own characters new look - which might i add is fat erasure. It was clear then that the rules and standards she held other people to didnt apply to herself. I was labeled problematic for not giving into her demands to change FCs (which I have a literal logical reason for not changing and im not explaining that here)

So I shouldve left. Long story short I didnt because every friendship I’d been in until around this time had been abusive and toxic. I thought this was all normal behavior for people to have and I was convinced I was just being critical of someone elses opinions/ insensitive etc. Thanks to my colleagues in graduate school and to several of you on here I learned that ‘hey dumbass friends dont treat your ass like this’.

Im leaving a lot out about the shit she did/said to me but those snippets give you an idea of things.

Leading up she decided to leave fandom and asked we didnt talk about marvel I said cool okay and didnt talk about marvel with her. If I did I would ask first if she was okay if we talked about one small aspect I thought might excite her/ she would like to know about but it wasnt often that happened because she began ghosting me. Hard. She stopped replying to me at all over discord when I would try and talk to her how we used to about our lives. She didnt answer any asks for munday or character development, in fact she blatantly ignored me.

I checked in a couple times with her to make sure I hadnt done anything to make her uncomfortable and she said no. May I emphasize she said no here. Im emphasizing it right now. She said no. She said everything was fine. So when I was like hey dude this is super triggering for me can you send me like a hi every once in awhile just so I can know we’re okay because its super triggering for me. Yall know what she did? She ‘lmao’-ed. she thought that was hecka funny. Yeah triggering ‘Citrus’ is hilarious isnt it? No it isnt and I shouldve cut her ass off right then and there.

Heres where shit gets confusing: she kept fucking talking about marvel to me. Id get messages at random times about marvel and then silence for weeks. I vividly remember during this period I was cleaning the museum vault and she kept messaging me about her marvel fc’s and how she wouldnt get a plotline and how characters were wrong etc.

I remember being REALLY confused because she had said NO MARVEL. But here she was bitching at me about marvel. In fact thats all she did when she did talk to me. Which was only like three or four times during the ghosting time period. She’d bitch about marvel and then vanish.

Shed make claims about not watching her dash and thats why she never responded to me/ interacted with me. She’d say she wasnt talkng to anyone while I see her on the dash TALKING TO PEOPLE and Id like to point out Ive told her I would be fine ending anything as long as she let me know.

but she followed me on every blog and throughout this time period she made and followed me on numerous ones. She kept reaching out sporadically to bitch about her fcs/how horrible marvel was/ and thats it. 

It was extremely confusing because if someone doesnt want to talk to me I assume they will; 1. unfollow 2. block 3. say goodbye 4. ghost and stay ghosted.

Not cycle through behavior rapidly. I asked her a few times if we were good and that I was confused and I got another ‘lmao’ reaction so I assumed we were good. At this point I still have no idea what was going on/ what message I was supposed to be receiving other than confusion.

So following this is heavily suicide tw and I encourage you not to read this part and to scroll down until the suicide tw is over which is highlighted in bold- if you’re triggered by that because I care about those who follow my blog.

So thats when this shit happened. I had tried reaching out to her on a different fandom platform to try and maintain the friendship. Because she said numerous times that we were friends. So like I reached out thinking maybe she just didnt want a marvel blog period.  It wasnt too long after that that she suicide baited me.

I was in a really bad place and had been for awhile and when I posted about how the only thing holding me on was the new comic coming out and specifically said “im seriously suicidal and this comic is the only thing giving me hope #idk what to do anymore ”. I was surprised when she liked the post.

I was three steps into a four step plan. I had everything but the method planned out and was just waffling along with that. Because yknow its complicated and you do it you make it count amiright. Right. I was in a fucked up place. I had just realized I was gay, I was horrendously depressed, I was in considerable physical pain, I was working 70 hours a week, my OCD was at an all time high and the only thing that kept me on this earth was a fucking comic book. You hold onto what you need to yknow?

WELL APPARENTLY NOT

Because this person who doesnt read her dash? This person who doesnt want to talk about anything? Liked that post where I specifically stated I was suicidal and sent me a discord message saying “dont have hope”.

Thats all it said “dont have hope”

Now I know what youre thinking but hold on because it gets worse.

I said something about being confused I dont really remember because I was pretty out of it. I do remember she kept going on about how horrible the comic would be and that it would be a piece of trash. I remember telling her I was really numb and in a bad place and couldnt feel anything. I remember her sending me screencaps and continuing to go ON AND ON about how it wasn’t worth reading.

I remember with gross intensity how someone who said they were my friend was taking away the only thing that was keeping me alive.

I dont remember how the conversation ends. I called out of work for the next three days. I was catatonically depressed and unable to really move. I didnt eat either. I went to internship, work, and school in a state of dissociation.

 I took screencaps of everything and set them aside for later. IDK what I was going to use them for but I set them in a folder on my desktop, looking back I regret what I did next; because I deleted them. I deleted them because I thought maybe she had been manic or drunk and hadn’t realized the scope of what was happening. I wanted to talk to her about it and clear things up because I believed in her. I believed there was no way she would be so callous as to do that on purpose. No way would someone try and get someone they called a friend to kill themselves. So I deleted the screencaps and my post on tumblr. I deleted all evidence to protect her and I encourage you all never to fucking do that even if you think that person misunderstood the gravity of your situation. Because if you’re wrong no ones going to believe you.

I remember shifting between intense depression and total denial.

I spent the rest of that month in and out of intense dissociative states when I wasnt in class or working with my clients.  During the middle of October my sister sent me pictures of a litter of puppies and I was like ‘well, i really need to either kill myself or make sure i dont’. I spent a few days continuing to waffle with that decision but then i remembered my mom cosigned my loans and I cant leave her with that debt because fuck we cant even afford my funeral to begin with. So I adopted a dog, I named him Julio to remind me to keep living and he finally came to me on halloween.

He was the only reason I left bed on my days off. I tried not to think about it but I did.  

I continued to spiral with heavier dissociative episodes and vivid nightmares about it.

SUICIDE TW OVER

I waited until Christmas to ask her to clarify the situation and let her know I no longer felt comfortable writing with her. I reminded her what happened and told her to check her discord if she wanted to see for herself etc.

She sent two long asks of combative, emotionally abusive, and gaslighting accusations. The first thing she did was say I needed to provide evidence if I went around making accusations like that. Then she cascaded into how I always talked about marvel *points up to where i explained what happened earlier*.  She tried gaslighting me like a champion and tried turning me into a horrible person the only problem is everything she was accusing me of doing was the shit she was doing to me. Everything. 

Even if I was bad at any time I had given her numerous chances to tell me I was overstepping a boundary- she always said no. I gave her numerous times to unfollow me if she wasnt interested in interacting with me- she never did. In fact I had unfollowed her that month because of her behavior towards me and she hadnt even noticed.

I let her know I could tell she was angry,  and that I didnt take receipts of private conversations because I believed in settling things like adults, and that if she ever wanted any proof it was all in her discord anyway. I let her know she could contact me to apologize but otherwise I didnt want her on any of my blogs and I told her the first thing she should have done wasnt demand receipts but she should have asked if I was okay. Its a real reflection of where her priorities were when she demands evidence rather than checks to see if a writing partner is okay.

Even if I did something horrible it doesnt warrant someone trying to get me to end my life. 

I was notified she put a post on her blog apologizing to her followers for being a bad friend and that she was a horrible person and ofc everyone was like ‘noooo youre perfect’ and its like ya thats not for me who hasnt followed her in months- thats to save face.

Her friends blogs kept visiting my profile and going through the month where this happened.

Everything she did and said was to save face. Her blog and her reputation are the only thing she cared about. She has never approached me to apologize or anything of the sort and I doubt she ever will. I would hope she would never do this again and I hope she has grown as a person since. That her life is better and her mother is okay, that shes happy and learning. 

 I know by posting this I will never receive an apology- then again i never expected one to begin with. I could go through all the trouble of restoring the deleted files but to be honest it isnt worth it because theres no room in my life for that type of toxicity.

Since this happened I:

I have stronger episodes of depression and dissociation since.

My PTSD has increased and I have week long spikes in anxiety attacks, depression and decreased self worth if I even see her around the rpc despite being blocked, blacklisted on xkit etc.

Have more difficulty completing basic self care tasks due to an increase in depression and a decrease in self worth.

I have nightmares about this event and her to this day a year later.

I cannot interact with the RPC how I once did as I fear seeing her on my dash or any sort of information getting back to her about me.

It took me half a year to see the character she wrote as as safe again and for awhile I couldnt even look at him without experiencing an anxiety attack.

I keep having nightmares. Its been a year and I still have nightmares about this.

I find myself having more difficulties connecting with people online especially on this blog. I’m constantly on edge when interacting with people and I feel spikes of anxiety at the merest thought of someone talking about me to her.

I find myself unable to have confidence as a writer or creator online because I have been reminder of the cement wall between oc characters and their canon counterparts.

I cannot go out and just follow anyone and be friendly and trusting with them anymore, even with people I already know. In the back of my mind is a constant reminder of how she and her friends used to check up on people and pretend to write with them/ interact with them just to take screenshots of conversations to share with the group. I have become a paranoid little bitch in the past year is what Im saying. like theres 0 need for that shit.

I blocked most of the people she interacted with simply to save myself from being triggered by her blogs/ mentions of her and that isnt fair to those people.

I remember the photo incident and how people derived such joy from mocking someones body. I can think of so many incidents of them making fun of others and I remember how that could be happening about me rn, and I wonder if anyone would stick up for me like I did for the other mun.

 I hope by posting this I can try and return to the person I was before this happened. I can try and not be so bitter and reach out again to others. That somehow I can continue working on making tumblr a safe place for me again and not a PTSD laced minefield.

I would like to remind this isnt a callout and I request if you know who this is about you dont say anything to them. This isnt for them. They have NEVER reached out to apologize for their actions. They have NEVER checked to see if I was okay after that. They have NEVER shown any remorse for encouraging me to kill myself and while I hope they’ve grown from the situation and will never do it again I doubt I will ever get closure from such an event. But i DO hope by writing this I can take this place back.

Consider this my first step towards bringing this up to a therapist.

 Consider this another step to me taking this blog back and feeling safer here; and maybe just maybe Ill make up a cool pen name for myself and own that shit.

If you’ve read this far thank you for your patience with me, and I request you always treat your writing partners like the people that they are. 

This post is not intended or written to leave this blog and therefore I request you not reblog it or share segments of it with ANYONE. If I find you have shared anything on here without my explicit permission I will block you.

‘Citrus’

[rqs902]

.

this became just a random summary of my thoughts on mainly yu gengyin (with other kids sprinkled in lol) throughout various episodes of season 2, which may or may not be presented in any sort of logical flow or order, just a warning.... 

i feel like yu gengyin is normally a calm boy, pretty direct, but keeps his composure. but this pose right here, i can relate to his contempt for zhou wen HAHAHHAHHAHAAHAHA HES SO DONE HAHHAHAHA

i havent even started the episode yet but i saw they’re gonna perform exo’s wolf and just started LAUGHING HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA I NEVER HTGOUHT HAHAHH NOT THIS SONG HAHHAHAHHAHA

tbh im totally ok with leo not choosing ygy HAHAHAHAHHAHA no offense to him, but he’s not very good at playing the super idol game, so hopefully ygy can shine stronger elsewhere. i feel like this show doesnt show him enough appreciation yet. 

HAHAHAHAH YGY IN THE SAME GROUP AS CXK YES IM THRIVINGGG 

suddenly leo’s team got very strong lol 

but pyj hating hd still lol.... but its ok they have wmt even tho they got a bunch of new kids and the most useless new kid lol.....

i was just complaining about lack of ygy but suddenly there are more flashes to ygy on screen lol... amazing... but he does look really nice in this color

WHEN YGY GOT NOMINATED TO BE ELIMINATED MY HEART BROKE 

but tbh for the remainder of the ep i more worried about freaking wumuti looking like he was freaking dying gosh he shouldve gone to rest or something, they really didnt need him to keep standing there after he finished performing. freaking muti pulled off an amazing performance despite his condition and as soon as he exited that stage persona, he literally looked like he was so weak and so pale i was like oh gosh let the boy rest!!! ugh but yea i refuse to believe / am in denial that ygy may possibly get eliminated so i am refusing to think about it LOL. anyway now on ep 6 they literally keep giving him screentime. zfz literally saying the purpose of this mission is to “save ygy” and cxk talking about giving ygy a special role in their perf so he can shine ;_; i love friendship 

but im not complaining about extra ygy time ehehehheh he looks like a prince for this stage and i love how he’s still smiling brightly throughout the ep and when aya brought up his status of being nominated for elims he was like ‘can you not say it out loud” and it was jokingly and he was smiling but the downward motion he made with his hands, i was like ah he is trying not to cry?

its interesting bc im almost grateful at least now ygy will get some more attention

wow look how stylish wu muti was in 2016 

oof watching ep 7 was painful..... it felt like an ultimate low for gengyin, and even tho we all teared up when zfz was eliminated.... it kinda made sense when he was talking about the colors and how he liked his own color so maybe hes just not meant to be in a boy band and i can agree... ahhhh side note fangzhou and yifan’s friendship ahhhh it makes so much sense why they’re still so close today.... even tho im still SO MAD that deng qiang is still here and fangzhou had to leave.... episode 8 was really FINALLY the break that this team as a whole really needed and im SO HAPPY and relieved for them 

this entire season has felt like a low for gengyin, like torture for him, and he really hasn’t gotten a break to shine or to feel success and i feel like to be in that kind of a slump for like 2 months??? thats so sad... and im sure that takes a toll on your mental health. but despite it all, despite being passed up for getting chosen for the special stage, he still was rooting for daidai so cutely like the way he used a silly voice to chant “戴隊戴隊” and so wholeheartedly exclaimed “戴戴太感人了~ 媽呀! 唱得快撕裂了你知道嗎’ I mean, honestly he could’ve easily and understandably felt salty that daidai got that opportunity (even tho we all know gengyin has more vocal ability), but he didn’t. it felt like he truly and fully supported his friend and teammate and that already had my heart going oof 

BUT THEN. then watching their practice footage and just watching him regain his confidence and then finally FINALLLYY perform like he was truly enjoying being on stage. after 8 freaking episodes, FINALLY its yu gengyin’s time to shine and i am THRIVING!!! ahhhhhhhhhh i literally stopped after their team’s perf to just absorb all the amazing things they said about him, about his vocals and high notes, and about his dancing improving, and about his rapping being so next level for him, and about his stage presence being the best hes been yet. and the comment the teacher made about how yu gengyin’s personality is just so nice and 善良 that he has had difficulty portraying a powerful stage presence and today he finally saw it, and i think he was just so perfect, im so proud and so happy!!!!!! and wow this stage is everything to me. cxk’s stage presence is already so strong (and btw i loved how kunkun so confidently said “ygy is our main vocal. he will no doubt stand on stage very confidently and perform well” -- i LOVE how much faith cxk has in gengyin, despite all the setbacks gengyin’s faced recently) and the choreo - they made it work for them and you could see them work together and i loved the way liu ye just literally SAW gengyin’s confidence. he saw how gengyin was just somehow so handsome on this stage and i think that says a lot about how much someone’s mental state can truly impact their performance. it hurt my heart to hear ygy describing being at risk for elimination for the past 3 weeks as feeling like he was physically weighed down by the immense pressure. he just seemed so tired, but at least within the last 2 eps the show has taken the time to really highlight how gengyin’s been practicing late at night alone, trying not to let down his team mates and really trying to improve himself. (ugh the fact that he had been practicing his high notes secretly all this time but never got to show it until he broke his voice...) But yes, i literally just watched their team’s performance and paused to type this all out and now im gonna go back and watch their whole segment again, because i love seeing yu gengyin’s transformation and this confident side of him. how can you not love his smile (and the way that they captioned this as "yu gengyin’s signature smile” :’)

man ep 8 is like THE time to be a ygy stan bc hes literally thriving and shining and getting all this screen time and attention and its so well-deserved and ive just been waiting 8 eps but we’re finally here :’) and yes its now official that ygy is my bias on this show i cant turn back now hahHHAHAHHA ive invested too many emotions into this child and you best bet i just changed my phone lock screen to also be ygy HAHHAHAHA its actually the top photo from the pic i just pasted above, bc this performance, that SMILE is EVERYTHING 

but also on a darker note, the whole conflict between wu muti and huadi is making me uncomfortable.... honestly i feel bad that ive been hoping their team loses but thats mainly just bc i need deng qiang to get eliminated which would require their team to lose LOL but also this whole thing between muti and huadi is getting out of control and their tempers are p concerning... like tbh we all know huadi has a temper but like muti is firey too and he’s like at a point where he just keeps yelling and being rude so im like theyre both just being rude to each other and its to the point where its starting to affect their team work... oh noo. sigh... from the beginning i thought huadi and muti’s dance styles were so different that they may clash bc theyre both going to try to lead dance practice, but this is way worse, this is their personalities clashing and its much scarier than i expected. 

also poor pinlin... man he like got super shafted during the first season imo and now he has to leave season 2 bc of his super serious injury.... ugh seeing his tears of frustration hurt my heart... he has so much talent and deserves more opportunity to show it :( but man his waist injury sounds so bad. the main bright side to all this is zuo qibo getting peer pressured into stepping up as a main vocal and really improving and getting some time to shine too. in season 1, back from when muti was like ‘noo i dont wanna be compared to qibo, hes a good singer’ until now, i dont think we’ve reaaalllyyy gotten too much of an opportunity to appreciate qibo’s vocal abilities because hes not had too much exposure and hes been overshadowed by the kids who have already established their strong vocal abilities. im scared hes under a lot of pressure now, as their leader and main vocal, but im glad hes been doing so well so far, good for him :’) im looking forward to seeing him improve and get more appreciation. i remember he was one of the most popular kids at the end of season 1 (along with cxk and wmt i think?) so i want to believe that he can live up to it. also this is random, but his visuals are really growing on me, like i can see him as a visual now and i think he looked really good this ep!!! to me visuals are cxk wmt zqb djy and maybe also hyf zpl yeeaaaaaaa but i mean ill say again, i just love ygy’s smile :’) 

[flockofdoves]

i dont really know why im posting this on my public blog instead of privately or probably even more sensibly with people i care about (although i just feel so alienated, i’ve become good friends with people in college and i love them a lot but i’m not sure despite how open some people have encouraged me to be, if my relationships are close enough to talk about this kinds of stuff seriously, which might be a weird concern because i overshare all the time but i just always feel really guilty for it) i guess i mind less about people hearing this and more about burdening anyone in specific, idk!!

but yeah ive just been really emotional this week, or really ive had the same range of emotions as usual but ive just been crying a lot again. i used to cry almost every day and have like weekly panic attacks in high school when my relationship with my parents was really toxic and i was harassed every day at school my senior year, but since freshman year after my dad was diagnosed and then my nana passed away and then my dad passed away too for the most part i’ve just been holding in so much and i’m finally starting to let that out this past month or so but in really weird ways where i’ll burst out sobbing even in public over the stupidest shit

and thats started to happen multiple times a week as of this past week and its made me realize how i feel alone all over again. i have one person at university i would consider to genuinely be a close friend even if he may not consider me a best friend, i’m not sure, but we only see each other around every other week when we actually plan to hang out because we’re no longer in any of the same classes or dorms or anything. beyond that i feel most comfortable with people from work, and consider many of them to be my friends, but recently some of my co-managers have been speaking out about how they feel unwelcome in our work environment and it can feel cliquey and it makes me so upset that i didn’t pick up the cues that shouldve made me realize that, i feel like i’m not doing my part and if i am misinterpreting my relationships with my coworkers, then maybe they dont even consider me as much of a friend as i do them.

and then ive started to get closer with a few people ive only really talked to since school started and they really all are just such wonderful people and i want to get to know them better but i worry the way i’m opening up to them is disproportionate and unfair to them but i really don’t know how to navigate this all.

its making me realize i dont think my avoidant personality disorder shit ever actually improved for the most part, it was just that my two best friends, shannon and burke, and my girlfriend, jacqueline, have been a constant in my life for so long now that my constant anxieties about my relationships with others and my interactions didn’t feel as prominent because at least logically i knew i could rely on them

and of course i can, i love all three of them so much and they have been for me through so much, but since college i don’t get to see shannon every day and burke multiple times a month, when we catch up its wonderful, and i’m sure its all natural to how long term friendships work, but not having them here physically sometimes makes me feel a bit more lonely, because regardless of how many seemingly positive interactions i have with someone who isn’t them or who i’ve met in the past couple years, based on experience i can never have the reassurance that i have with them that they have explicitly given me throughout the years for ages after where i currently stand in all my irl friendships, and who knows how much of that all is mutual even now we’re those newer friendships are at. and even jacqueline, who i try to talk to as much as possible, this past year has been so emotionally draining that i’ve slipped into not talking at least once a day like we used to and i feel like i dont have nearly as much time as i want to be spending with her having fun. and for all three of them i worry i just am not there for them like i want to be.

and just specifically with romantic stuff it makes me so upset i’ve only ever got to visit jacqueline irl once, which was almost a year ago now, and that most of that memory even though i loved the short time we had i also associate with my dads health turning even worse because his legs becoming paralyzed while me and my mom were in oklahoma of course meant that we cut the trip short because of course we wanted to make sure my dad was safe and okay.

and yeah just after crying again today, my new friends hugging me was really nice, but when i went into my room right afterward i burst out sobbing, and i have no idea how to recover from this or comfort myself effectively, i only know how to sleep it off and feel like shit when i wake up halfway through the next day. so now thats why i’m writing this to vent and have been for like the past 45 minutes and still havent really gotten to all of it. i don’t know how to comfort myself but i know right now i just really wish i had someone that could just lie down with me and comfort me, maybe even a bit romantically.

and i feel really goofy for saying that, i get really self conscious about how immature i feel compared to so many people my age, sometimes i think its in part an autism thing but also i know other autistics at my university who aren’t like this so i really don’t have a decent excuse but like . i’ve never even done that with someone.

me and jacqueline only got to see each other essentially a day before i suddenly needed to go back to ohio, we were both so nervous, we took a while to even hold hands, and that day and a half we saw each other i had my first kiss, and later my last kiss i’ve had since. both of those and the ones in between being just a peck on the lips. i’m not complaining about that, i don’t think we should’ve rushed our pace, but i think it goes to show how lost i feel in navigating this all if even after knowing her so well and dating her for over 2 years at that point, i froze so much.

i’m comfortable with jacqueline with stuff like that because she’s expressed shes in a similar boat, and i really appreciate that understanding. i think its wonderful how we’ve been together for almost 3 years now, but also thinking about that is wild. i was in such a different place back then, i don’t think i really knew what dating someone or being in a relationship entailed. i’m happy with how we go about our relationship, but also i get really lost when comparing how i define and go about romantic things versus most people i’ve met in college. i’ve never been in a relationship with anyone but her, and i’ve never been in a relationship that wasn’t long distance. i love her and i wish she were closer so maybe we could begin to figure that out together. also ive had a lot of casual crushes on girls at college in the past couple years and i think it would be really nice to explore that too, but honestly i have no idea how to go about that and its so daunting to try to think about so i just resign it as unrealistic unless something extremely significant changes within the next few years, and then i’ll be really pathetic for not knowing anything as a fucking 23 year old maybe in grad school or something. and so i just get to feeling more lonely and having more anxiety about my interactions and relationships with others.

i know its a common thing apparently for lgbt people to be “late bloomers” but im surrounded by so many lgbt people who are so far ahead of me with relationship stuff, and i don’t think i’ve met a single lgbt person in college besides myself who is quite this inexperienced/naive/etc.

i dont know how i’m ever supposed to learn this stuff at this rate, even if i feel slightly less bad about stuff like my appearance and personality nowadays (or more like, i know i look weird but i care less now because i dont care enough any more to try changing my appearance over it, and then i’m still terrible with communication and social cues and oversharing and all my weird shit etc etc etc but i guess at least i try to be compassionate and that must at least be somewhat noticeable if other people sometimes remark on it), even if people are fine with that and find me interesting enough, i really don’t see how almost any girl who got that far would then find it worth it to deal with how fucking stunted i am in that regard. like thats just not fair to have to have someone guide me around so much because i just have no idea what to do and no idea How to figure that out.

so yeah im just . having a rough time im very emotional and expressing it physically (which while somewhat cathartic after feeling so empty, also makes me feel worse because the context in which i last was like this is not one i want to dwell on now that my dad has passed and ive been in the process of forgiveness) and i have so much love for so many people but also i feel so so so so so lost and alone and stunted and i really just don’t know how to begin working on that and its really embarrassing to admit.