#but dude you KNOW my fear of being annoying is a lot rn

[sillybadger]

the fact he’s had my tik tok notifications on for weeks and views everything in 2 minutes or less……..

[quietbluejay]

Ahriman: Unchanged

So all this is from January before I'd read...well most of the stuff I've covered here with the exception of Know No Fear

Inquisitor Iobel is great and honestly I want her and Ahriman to get stuck in the pear wiggler a bit longer my beta said i should write them getting stuck as Shirou so true, past bluejay, so true

A figure of white-hot fire sat on a throne at the centre of the tower top. Blazing light sketched the shape of bare limbs and smooth muscle.

suns out guns out is the only thought i had upon reading this line (and Magnus makes his first appearance) ah, a more innocent time, when i didn't break out in hives at the mention of Magnus muscles

this isn't my first run-in with him lol, he did have an appearance in a couple of the samples but he and the TS did nothing to endear themselves to me in those samples

it's funny though i thought based on descriptions that i'd like Magnus a lot more lol but he's been fairly annoying/insufferable in all his appearances that i've seen

the hubris levels are off the charts i've been constantly spamming quotes at my friend with "hey, that's hell you're walking into" attached i will say i thought i was emotionally removed and no longer caring about these horrible people except in the intellectual sense and then I got gut-punched by Astraeos remembering being a kid and being taken on the black ships and also his negative character arc is so great except im not super fond of the stable time loop element there

im suffering so much (in a good way) he's become what he hated and there really were no options for him to choose another path (context rn is I'm literally at a scene where he's torturing a guy to join him, and cut out his eye) (when we met him, he had just been captured and made into a slave and had his eye cut out) he's trying to get revenge on Ahriman, and in the process he's become Ahriman (well, a more personally violent Ahriman)

‘You were a warrior son of Prospero,’ said the Oathtaker, his true voice low and steady. ‘You saw your home world burn. You were there when everything you had was destroyed by the Imperium which created you. You endured, clinging on to existence, while watching your brothers fall one by one. You clung on, waiting, one half of your soul knowing that no salvation would come, the other half searching for it. You allowed yourself to believe that there was a way to save your brothers, to save yourself. You trusted and let that trust become loyalty, become hope.’

this is fine im fine Astraeos is talking about both himself and his prisoner here okay it's time for me to take a break and lie on the floor or something

I like Ctesias but I worry about getting attached to him Also on a side note I love how while the characters may not really care about the suffering of the street level npcs, for lack of a better term, the narrative does I mean they’re not the focus at all but there’s all sorts of background details and bits and even a few pov segments to be like “yeah all these slaves are people!” Which I’ve found often doesn’t get done well in…other dark stories

this is also a weird thing to say maybe but i like how all the deaths matter and have consequence I know I have said this multiple times but this was actually the first time I articulated it! I'm at the bit in the third Ahriman novel on Prospero and the whole planet is basically a giant scar filled with ghosts because of what happened there and this is thousands of years later timeline is still ambiguous which is annoying me since i do like my nice and tidy timelines but at least we know it's well after the formation of the Black Legion so Ahriman was wandering around being miserable and letting himself be a minion for gross chaos sorcerers for a few thousand years huh

also i've just met Khayon this dude is great I mean okay like most of the TS have been very fun characters in the series Ctesias being the sole voice of common sense, Ignis and his autistic coding and his killbot r2d2, Sanakht and his uh, current suffering I guess, sucks to be him so badly and now Khayon shows up with a super dramatic entrance

cute warband but i have cool new friends now

Ahriman's also one heck of a speech writer/giver but like

+And if they would stand against what you intend. What then?+ The thought voice turned every eye to the darkness at the edge of the ruined square. Cords of purple fire ran through the air. The lines joined, forming a triangle which then folded into a space which was not there. A figure stepped through the triangular hole, and down to the ground. It was a Rubricae, but its armour was coal black and edged with gold. It came to a halt, its head turning slowly as its eyes ran across the gaze of its blue-clad kin. A second figure followed. +Have you come to try to stop me again, Khayon?+ Iskandar Khayon, Chosen of the Despoiler, Lord Vigilator of the Black Legion, and once a son of Magnus the Red, turned his gaze on the glowing eyes watching him from across the square and beyond. +I like your little warband,+ he sent.

that's the kind of entrance that makes you a character to keep an eye on

also

At the core of the waiting ships hung a vessel with a gold and black hull. On her bridge, the Changeling saw the mind of her master burning cold and bright, and it heard the command slip from his lips. ‘Fire,’ said Khayon, and the black ship spoke the first word of the battle.

the one to fire the first shot at the inquisition

okay yesssss things have been going way too well for Ahriman the past couple books that's been one of my complaints lol but now he's really on the backfoot and he's got so much to lose now!

tzeentch is currently hunting him for sport (not a joke, he sent assassin daemon after him to kill him after he manages to succeed) he's gonna give ahriman the gift he needs but doesn't want eternal rest! oblivion

The horns set in its head bellowed. It was laughing at him. And he knew why. He knew it. Long ago, in an age of different masters and different mistakes, he had bound nine daemons into its broken body. He had created it, and now on the planet he had been exiled from, he faced it and knew that he should have given it to the lava seas after it had fallen in battle the first time.

Ctesias: I should have left you on that street corner where I found you Czethertihor, Fallen Warlord Titan of Legio Tempestus: but ya didn't

dsjfkhlsadf this is just magnus vs magnus vs magnus magnus is playing 4d chess against himself except also magnus is eating both their pieces

but wait! it was all part of magnus' plan or was it…

I'm kind of mad about this plot point but it is objectively funny:

[ideks-on-mars]

This is gonna be the start of my YamaShira riot <3

ANYWAYS YAMASHIRA RELATIONSHIP EXPOSING HCS THINGS?? LET'S GO!!

- No clue how these mfs got together but they did

- Yamamoto's charms are just too good 😩

- That's what he likes to say anyway

- They kept their relationship a secret for quiet a long time 👀

- Nekoma's pretty chill but Yamamoto would be drowned in the slight teasing from the third years

- Shiratorizawa would declare a whole war

- No one's good enough for their setter 😤‼️

- So they decided that maybe they should keep quiet

- Not including Fukunaga and Taichi because they're just them, they have to know

- Taichi's highly amused. Fukunaga's just really damn surprised.

- Insert a random practice match with Nekoma and Shiratorizawa 👏👏👏👏👏

- Yamamoto and Shirabu eye each other down the whole match

- Tendō gets suspicious 🤨

- "You got beef with Nekoma's ace, Kenjirō?" "Wth? No? Why would I have anything to do with him?"

- Newsflash, he has a lot to do with Nekoma's ace actually

- Goshiki's a little fired up rn ngl. Is this weird man messing with his setter? 🤨 Cuz only he and his team can do that

- "I bet I'm a better ace than him Shirabu 😤 I'll show him." "You'll just make him look even better 😮‍💨."

- Goshiki tried 🥲

- The intense staring continues 👁👁

- Taichi wants to laugh

- After the match Yamamoto decides that he needs to take the chance to talk to his gorgeous boyfriend even if no one knows he's his gorgeous boyfriend because seeing each other is hard :(

- "Hi Kenjirō! :D" "Taketora."

- Shiratorizawa and Nekoma are very much looking like 🤨🤨🤨

- Taichi and Fukunaga: 🤭

- They go on to engage in a conversation after just casually being on first name basis, meanwhile their teams full on just thought they developed a distaste for each other in the matter of a few hours.

- This dude doesn't really seem like the type Shirabu would wanna hang out with willingly

- Ushijima decides to drag Shirabu away for a minute

- "I appreciate that you are trying to get along with the others who will also be taking the role of captain next year, but you don't have to force yourself." "Ushijima, I'm not forcing anything."

- Ushijima himself is confused now 😃

- "I wasn't aware that you spent your time with people like him."

- Shirabu looked slightly annoyed at this and Ushijima has never really had Shirabu annoyed at him. (Well he has but he wasn't aware of it. Shirabu was good at keeping things under wraps.)

- "Well I do. 😐"

- Shirabu goes back to spending the time he has with his secret boyfriend and Ushijima just kinda shrugs and goes on to discuss captain stuff with Kuroo

- Once it's time to go Yamamoto and Shirabu are feelings very :(

- They gotta say bye 😪

- They wanna hug each other, they wanna kiss, but they CAN'T 😤

- Well they can they just don't want the team to be there to witness that

- But I wouldn't be writing this if something juicy didn't happen 🙄💅

- They gotta say bye to each other like they're homies or sum

- So Shirabu, being the actor he is just goes, "Bye, see you later man."

- Yamamoto's not built like him tho 💀

- "Ok, bye Kenjirō. I love you."

- He does what now 😃

- Everyone stops dead in their tracks and Taichi almost falls over. He is DYING. This is embarrassing for him.

- Shirabu immediately covers his face. Yamamoto stands there in defeat. The teams lose their shit.

- Tendō, Yamagata, and Goshiki are harassing Shirabu, Taichi and Fukunaga are dying on the inside, Ushijima, Reon, and Kai are utterly shocked, and Semi, Kuroo, and Yaku are just like "That little fuck has a boyfriend?"

- Kenma doesn't give two shits but then again when does he

- Shirabu just shakes his head and goes over to Yamamoto.

- Yamamoto is scared that his boyfriend is going to be mad at him 😪

- All that fear is quickly squashed when Shirabu kisses him and tells him that he loves him too <3

- Omg, coincidently, it's raining outside 😱 how'd that happen?

- Yamamoto is quick to give Shirabu his Nekoma jacket which the other wears with absolute PRIDE 🙄💅 (like the king he is)

- Yamamoto is quick to cup his face

- "You need to come visit me more. Or I'll come visit you! I just wanna see you more, okay!?"

- Shirabu is quick to nod and agree to see him as soon as he can.

- Shirabu walks away to the bus with a bright red face as Yamamoto is yelling at him from the gymnasium doors

- "MAKE SURE TO TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME! AND IF IT'S RAINING IN SENDAI THEN JUST SKIP YOUR MORNING RUN BECAUSE YOU MIGHT GET SICK! AND MAKE SURE TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR HANDS-" "OK TAKETORA I GOT IT!" "OK!! LOVE YOU!!"

- Dw, Yamamoto already told Taichi to take care of Shirabu for him while he's not there so that one's checked off the list too 💀

- The third years (aside from Reon who's trying to stop them) are glaring at Yamamoto all the way back to the bus because, excuse him, who does he think he is dating their kōhai? 🤨

- Yamamoto gets TEASED and also praised??

- It's a mix of "Yamamoto~~ how'd you manage that one?" And "YEAAAHHH TORA!!"

- Shirabu gets questioned like he's committed a crime

- "Who exactly IS he?" "How long have you known each other?" "How long have you been SEEING each other?" "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US??"

- "I thought I was your favorite ace. 😐" "Sorry Ushijima. 💀"

- They text each other on Shirabu's way home

- "Miss you already Kenji :(" "Take, I just left."

- Shirabu misses him too! He wouldn't be hugging his jacket so tight around himself if he didn't! 🤧

- THEY LOVE EACH OTHER

[shtern-and-art]

I have more questions because it's no longer 4am lmao.

Does Skeppy fear any animals? I just wanna know if there's any sweet moments of Skeppy clinging to Bad whilst he tries to calm him down.

I'm guessing Bad still hates things like littering and woodcutters but would he ever act particularly strongly about it or would he have more control?

I like how Rat seems to tolerate Skeppy because Bad likes him but would she ever get jealous if Skeppy started pettting another dog?

I have a horrifying image of Bad just spider climbing up a tree to fetch Skeppy. I don't know why but I feel like dude wouldn't even need branches lmao.

What other supernatural creatures/people do they come across? Were there any that were especially dangerous and did they befriend any?

Is Bad much physically stronger than Skeppy? I keep thinking of Skeppy being a little shaz and Bad just one-arm picking him up and slinging him over his shoulder XD.

Does Bad ever get nightmares of the day he became the forest spirit?

How far would Skeppy take stealing? Would he steal something he knows the owner has genuine attachment to? Would he do everything in his power to steal something for Bad even if it means getting hurt?

Who's more likely to protect the other?

Skeppy just minding his business looking at one of Bad's textbooks, turns his head and Bad's just having a tea party with a freaking bear. Surprised the man hasn't had a heart attack yet XD.

What's your favourite thing to imagine them doing?

Is Bsd an adrenaline junky? Or is he scared of more dangerous things like bungee jumping and mountain climbing.

What would their reactions be to rollercoasters?

Do they have a favourite date-night activity?

Everytime I think of this au it brightens my mood!! Thank you for making something so heartwarming!! <3

Glad to see you again :D And yaay, questions!

My pen pressure broke again, I can't finish any sketches for this ask rn, but here's a couple of old messy designs.

1) Comforting and nightmares

Skeppy has a normal, I’d even say adequate level of fear towards wild animals, whilst Bad has it in negative numbers. And, yes, this fun juxtaposition leads to a lot of unfortunate moments of Skeppy nearly dying from heart attack when some of Bad’s animal friends show up unexpectedly, or Bad goes all out for his tea-parties with wild bears or smth.

So, yes, sometimes the comforting hugs are necessary! And no, none of them ever play up the dramaticness of the situation just to drag out the nice comforting moment They do n o t. That’d be very silly and unnecessary, and will deserve a lot of teasing. So, it’s all serious. Not only for the first couple minutes. Yes.

But If you’re looking for comfort-after-actual-hurt – Bad does have to hold and comfort Skeppy, when the stress of trying to not fuck up the good stuff around him gets too strong. And after the nightmares where they are hated and chased by people. Those dreams do not come often, but when they do, Bad is there to hold Skeppy, whisper in his hair that he is alright, that they’re both alright, and that they can handle everything that’s going on right now.

And Bad himself, well. After leaving the town, his nightmares about the night of the ritual stopped almost completely. They come rarely, only when the anxiety gets really bad. Before, in the forest, Bad had them pretty often. It’s one of the reasons he mostly slept not as himself, but in the minds of the animals.

2) Littering

Bad will not maim someone for not getting a candy wrapper in a trashcan, especially if there are people around. But if someone leaves a big mess in the nature, or even (*gasp*) does it regularly, Bad can and will try and teach them a lesson. As in: pull a cautionary (and probably slightly terrifying) prank on the misbehaving person.

It doesn’t always work out as Bad intended, and may even scare some people off anything relating to nature for good, but, according to Bad, it’s still “a fun and useful little hobby to have :3”.

3) Rat

Rat takes a looong time to warm up to any other animals that infringe on her territory. And Skeppy might be a little shit (and his own rights for Bad are debatable) but he is Rat’s territory still (by approximation from Bad). So, she can gatekeep Skeppy a little bit. Not as much as she does Bad, but the man gotta know his place – Rat comes before other dogs for him too.

4) Tree climbing and strength

Oh, Bad can an will climb down a tree like a full-on creepy creature he is: head down, using only his claws, with Skeppy tucked under one arm. Maybe not even upside down, if Skeppy is lucky, and wasn’t too annoying about wanting to stay up on the tree for the night :D

5) Meeting other spn creatures

Oh, that’s a big question (: Yes, they do meet other cryptids, befriend some, and get in trouble with some, and deal with a handful of new and old spn troubles :D

I always thought that Bad and Skeppy’s life after the main story can make a series of short stories (or one big episodic one) dealing with exactly that: the guys traveling around, meeting other cryptids, learning more about themselves and the world, trying to build a life between human and supernatural crisis going on. Just like In The Dark it can based on the mix between the real life and the minecraft-verse events.

I wanted to focus more on finishing the main story first, though, so these stories are not as sought through, I didn’t even write down any of them yet :D

But if you have more concrete questions, ideas, or suggestions (about a specific person, or a specific thing happening) – write me, I’ll think about it, and how it can work with the theme and worldbuilding I have in mind.

6) Stealing + Protectiveness

Skeppy can sometimes forget about, ahem, moral principles, or human decency… emphasis oh “human”. He’s nature and different worldview it gives, it seeps through in his life and actions even more with age. Especially after he’s been away from actual people for a long while. So, I guess, he might at times steal something that is very important to someone, or do something that could be considered weird or rude in general.

And if Bad really needs something, or is in danger – all rules are down. If there is no one to reality check Skeppy, he might proceed to walk on heads, and commit risky and reckless crimes just to help or save Bad.

They both are quite bad with that, the protecting each other thing. Bad, tho, can be more fiscally violent in his protectiveness.

7) Adrenaline and rollercoasters

Well, it’s not that Bad likes adrenaline specifically, he’s just very curious, likes to try new things, and is almost unkillable. So he can just- just go for everything that’s interesting for him with reckless abandon, and if it goes wrong – welp. Bones can heal limbs can regrow, and the cool abandoned caves will not explore themselves. He’ll have to learn to ease up with lack of selfcare though. Because Bad can’t always leave Skeppy to fend for himself, while he heals, and Skeppy does NOT like seeing Bad getting hurt so much, and not caring about himself at all.

This probably comes back to Bad dealing with his spn nature and learning to make peace between it and himself. And to his anxiety, and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

And hey, it’s the same for Skeppy and his lack of adequate moral compass at times :D

There will be a lot of tension and growing they’d have to do in regards to all this.

Also Skeppy is the one who’s really into chasing the thrills :D Man spent nearly half a year annoying probably-murderous-forest-spirit just for little not-boring fun, jeez :DD

Rollercoasters are a no go, tho. They go up in the air, real high, and, once again, Skeppy and highs do not mix, they do not mingle, they will not have tea parties (with or without bears). Unless, of course, Skeppy really needs to prove something. Then he’ll go on a ride, and die an honorable death, and will never admit he screamed all the way through it.

8) Dates

(*insert an innuendo from Skeppy here*) But, ahm, actually I’d say they love going on picnics: getting food, and hanging around in the nature for a while.

And I honestly donno what I like to think about the most… I just really enjoy the vibe and the atmosphere of the whole story, and how Bad and Skeppy interact in general.

It all is a real delight to write about :D

---

In The Dark - masterpost

[lasquadrasfuckhouse]

Hi! Can I ask for la squadra reacts to a Ghost in their base who love singing like a siren. But other members can't see or hear.

This is my first asking, im not sure of i did it correct.

Thank you so much♥️♥️

you did wonderful!!! i LOVE this concept. i wrote more general 'la squadra if their base was haunted' stuff here so i'll be working off of that

this one's dedicated to both the ghost that would hum in this one washroom at my high school when no one else was there and melissa the beautiful scene queen ghost that haunts my house and sings fall out boy and mcr with us 🙌

la squadra with a singing ghost in their base 🎶

first and foremost all of them would probably make sure it's not a stand attack and THEN would make sure they're not hallucinating but once those explanations are out of the way, here's what would follow

risotto ✂️

he's mostly just kinda confused but he doesn't let it bother him. he's a logical dude: you can't prove ghosts but you can't exactly disprove them either so he's just kinda like.... ok i guess

the singing is nice, actually. eerie but very beautiful. as long as he can still sleep, he doesn't mind. if he can't sleep, he may like.... politely ask please no singing while he's trying to sleep? he really doesn't know how to talk to a ghost. but they seem nice.

he won't go out of his way to either interact with them or avoid them and it doesn't really bother him that no one else can see or hear them. they just kinda peacefully coexist.

if the others ask him about it, he'll tell them straight up about the singing ghost, as long as the ghost doesn't appear distressed about being known to the others. but he doesn't want this ghost thing to distract them either, so he reminds everyone to keep their heads on.

prosciutto 🚬

prosciutto is dumbfounded. for real? a ghost? this is ridiculous! and why is he the only one who can see or hear it? he's just kind of annoyed by it more than anything.

the singing is rather lovely, though. if there's too much noise going on in the house and he's getting a headache, that's probably the first time he'd try like, talking to them? to be like, please--and he feels ridiculous just talking to thin air or an apparition--no singing rn. he will begrudgingly thank them when they stop, and while he's at it he may as well let them know that they do have a beautiful voice there's just too much noise right now. the ghost seems to like the compliment.

it's very soothing otherwise. maybe after some time has passed since that first interaction and he's the only one in the house, he may ask why he's the only one who can see or hear them, cause he is a bit curious. whether the ghost has an explanation or not, he'll just kinda be like aight then

really he's a bit curious about the whole ghosts existing thing in general but he just kinda takes what he's presented with. may not give straightforward answers about the whole ghost thing if the others are making a ruckus about it, at least at first, cause he doesn't want to rile em all up.

pesci 🎣

YEAH, HES FUCKIN SCARED. he can't explain it, he can't get rid of it with his stand, and now he feels embarrassed b/c he thinks he seems either incompetent or silly. in reality at least the others know that lying isn't his style so some of them are starting to wonder if he is seeing something unexplainable

the singing gets his teeth chattering. sure, it's pretty, but it's chilling. catch him hiding under the blankets with his pillow pressed over his ears.

he may very meekly ask the ghost to leave him be if they're around him and he'll leave them alone too. way too scared to interact with them and avoids them almost at all costs.

won't initiate conversation about it. some of the others may goad him on to freak him out more. be nice to pesci you losers!!!!! >:( but even if someone asks nicely about it he won't want to talk about it much but he'll be relieved that someone believes him.

formaggio 🧀

yeah, all cockiness goes out the window when he realizes it's a ghost. like, he tries his best to cling onto the attitude, but honey he is freaked out. no ghostes for him thanks

the singing gives him shivers. he'll be like HAHA YEAH.... REAL NICE VOICE YA GOT..... BUT IM NOT GONNA FALL FOR THAT....... U AINT POSSESSIN ME but the ghost is literally just chillin. he doesn't trust like that tho

may try some methods of banishment he remembers from his nonna. even if they don't work in the sense of forcing them to disappear or leave, the ghost probably still gets the message and leaves him be.

will insist with a hand over his heart that yes there IS a fucking ghost and no way in HELL is he fuckin w/ it or joking HES NOT JOKING HE SWEARS, but will puff up his chest like yea i told that ghost to get lost!!!! my love you are fooling no one everyone heard you shrieking like a little baby.

illuso ✨

he's actually a bit freaked. thought it was ridiculous until he actually couldn't find an explanation for it and it's unnerving that he was somehow singled out. should he be flattered? yes yes he knows he's lovely and cool but please don't only show your ghost activities to him or preferably no ghost activities at all

because he's freaked out he may lose his cool and yell into the air to shut up with the singing, which really does not help him feel any better.

with time, he may just get used to it, seeing as the ghost doesn't really do much aside from being a ghost and sing. he might come to appreciate the singing for how pretty it is, too.

will use the opportunity to scare everyone and definitely won't give straightforward answers just for the fuck of it

melone 🍈

VERY fascinated. thrilled, honestly! how fucking cool is it that there's a ghost right in front of him? too bad the others can't see or hear it, but he supposes that makes him lucky.

will compliment the ghost on their beautiful voice and ask a whole bunch of questions. why is he the only one who can see or hear them? do they like to sing just because? are they bound to the base, or to him, or something else keeping them tethered to this world? do they know what's beyond? can they see or interact with their stands? souls exist, seeing as someone's stand is a manifestation of it, so are ghosts souls without bodies? or something else?

he's just very curious and friendly, maybe a bit overbearing, but he's just excited. even with all his questions, he avoids asking how they died cause even though social cues aren't his strong point (especially with the dead????), he still figures that must be pretty rude to say the least. he may happily sway to whatever tune they're singing or find himself humming it later.

will be very excited to share this with everyone as long as the ghost is okay with that. doesn't care if he sounds silly or the others don't believe him, that's not his problem. will assuage any fears from the ones who are more scared by the idea of a ghost (they're just a person!)

ghiaccio ❄️

this is dumb!!! ghosts aren't supposed to be real!!!! that doesn't make any sense!!!!! goes on a rant about how ghosts don't make sense, and maybe he'd be less ticked off if they made sense. like, sure, souls exist cause stands exist. but like, what the fuck? he's honestly not scared, just annoyed.

it's extra annoying how he's the only one who can see or hear them. he's another one who gets irritated when there's too much noise in the house, so he'll yell to cut it out with the singing, if you're gonna make him talk to the air and do ghost nonsense at least don't bug him with it!!!! but soft singing in the quiet is actually very relaxing. he'll find himself sighing and just about falling asleep to it.

he's not good with words and how the fuck does he talk to a ghost but over time he may be like hey.... nice singing. when the other assholes aren't being noisy too. he'll still grumble about it not making sense until he makes sense of it, but he gets used to it.

on that front, he may actually talk to melone about it. he thinks a lot of melone's pseudoscience stuff is nonsense but he's got something concrete right here and he wants to understand it and melone is great at working with weird ideas so they try to make sense of ghosty things

sorbet and gelato 🔪🍦

they're both just kinda like. well i'll be. sorbet isn't bothered by it, gelato is like oooo how chilling but isn't like, actually scared. he's the one who may fucking flirt with the ghost like oh my is there a reason it's only us who can hear your pretty voice?? ;) sorbet thinks that's pretty funny.

and their voice is pretty! they both really like the singing, they find it beautiful and soothing and it keeps things interesting on base. what's not to love?

sorbet continues just doin his thing, but he will nod to the ghost in greeting when he sees them and exists comfortably with them, he's very chill about it. gelato will chatter and joke and flirt and be like hey let's duet this [SCREAMS] just to fuck around and see if he can make them laugh

they will both absolutely play it up to freak out the others. eventually if their antics get to be too bothersome risotto will tell them to cut it out, and they'll be like 'no problem capo, there really is a ghost tho' and then that causes a whole new wave of fuckery through the squad because even sorlato aren't crazy enough to lie to risotto's face after he told them to knock it off which means there is a ghost but HOW MUCH IS TRUE AND HOW MUCH IS THE TWO OF THEM FUCKING AROUND??? it never ends with these guys.

[heathneycanon]

reasons why phobia factor fucking slaps

ok this lowkey just turned into me rambling abt phobia factor while i rewatched it. putting it under a read more bc it’s super long lmao

like, the entire first five minutes are the campers being friendly to each other?? and vulnerable, to a degree??? you know i love that shit

courtney and trent?? talk to each other?? like. okay they’re never in the same frame together unfortunately, but they do have like, two whole back and forth conversations.

also in that campfire scene at the beginning, cody and trent are sitting next to each other and there are some. good screencaps

“exSQUEEZE me?!” like cody. ur such a dork omfg

duncan vulnerability hours

lindsay asks what a standee is and trent explains it and doesn’t mock her/isn’t annoyed with her at all, in contrast to a lot of the other campers interacting with lindsay. i love them as friends SO much u all have no idea

harold’s little scene with the ninjas. i love him sm. why does he have nunchucks with him when he goes to the bathroom??

leshawna is afraid of spiders and she runs away screaming from. chef wearing a spider suit??? like i don’t love spiders but if a man i knew wearing a spider costume was calmly walking toward me i wouldn’t react the same way as i would to a real spider. anyway i think this is hilarious.

season one heather vulnerability hours.....

i mean, i really wish they’d actually shown her talking abt her fear at the campfire, rather than just having it told by gwen in the confessional, but i get why they did that. regardless that one scene right before the sumo wrestler charges at her where she’s literally shaking.... i want to give her a hug

side note i hope the sumo wrestler is okay he hit his head quite a few times

ok so. trent accidentally leaving gwen buried underground because he’s getting chased by a mime isn’t like. a sweet gwent moment. but it is one of their interactions that i remember most vividly from tdi lmfao

what is a cute gwent moment is trent like. kneeling next to her while chris is burying her. and the face he makes at chris when he jokes abt not digging her up..... i love them sm

also gwen sounds so fucking dramatic when they close the box she’s in like. “goodbye cruel world” gwen ur being buried for 5 minutes ur not dying sdfjlafskj i love her

duncan hyping dj up before he picks up the snake is so cute?? like he’s clapping for him and he’s got what i call “adorable duncan face” which is where his eyes are full circles and he’s smiling. i can remember him making this face at courtney, dj, and alejandro throughout the series and it’s just. ugh loving soft duncan hours

“ah! it blinked” “it means she likes you” sadie where are u getting this information

okay so i googled if this was true and the result i got was “snakes can’t blink” so first of all i have no clue where sadie pulled that fact from and i have even less of an idea of where chris got that fucking. blinking snake from. is that even a snake??

when dj picks up the snake and they all hype him up?????? i love the killer bass so much it’s unreal

more cute gwent moments... gwen and trent talking on the walkie talkies.. they’re so cute

when the mime pops up behind trent and he does that little scream.... it’s loving trent hours u guys

trent is so bothered by a mime literally just. being a mime. me too trent. me too.

duncan and the celine dion music store standee.... everything abt that scene

"DUDE SHE’S MADE OF CARDBOARD” tyler i love you

courtney genuinely saying that it’s okay if he can’t do it (when she was being harsh to dj about the snake earlier..... duncney is so good in tdi u guys)

and then theY HOLD HANDS GUYSSSS IM SOFT FOR THEM

and THAT is what gives duncan the encouragement he needs to go for it?? they’re so good.

his “okay, okay” right before going for it... duncan’s voice acting is so good in this episode omfg

THE MUSIC THAT PLAYS WHEN HE HUGS THE STANDEE AND THEN EVERYONE CHEERING ITS SUCH A GOOD SCENE

THE DUNCNEY HUG

“duncan, you’re awesome!” and the look of shock on his face at both the fact that he did it and that courtney’s hugging him...... have i mentioned i love duncney yet?? bc i do

i can’t believe i used to dislike duncney omfg

then when courtney realizes that she’s hugging him and steps back jafksdfjlsa she’s so cute

and then the rest of the bass come over and hype duncan up more like. i love how supportive they all are in this episode!!

trent is so excited when he finally gets the mime to leave him alone fakjldjfl like he didn’t have to ROAST the dude. but he did.

chris somehow owns a remote control hail cloud?

lindsay getting excited about the “baby cloud” and calling it over?? she’s so cute omfg

trent fucking. hates geoff. gwent has geoffphobia in tdi ig

when they dig up gwen and she throws the walkie talkie at his head but he doesn’t stop smiling..... your honor i love them

owen and izzy getting out of the plane and kissing the ground together..... adorable.

cody with a fucking. watermelon on his head and covered in trash scares bridgette out of the woods. that will never not be funny to me

THAT ONE FUCKING SCENE. WHERE SADIE AND LINDSAY HYPE EACH OTHER UP. THAT MAY BE ONE OF MY FAVORITE SCENES IN THE ENTIRE SERIES. I LOVE THEM SM

the only bad thing abt this ep- tyler should have gotten the fucking point. he completed the challenge. i love courtney, but realistically, she should have gone home this ep and tyler should have stayed.

bridgette hyping tyler up...... im soft they should be friends

“quit being such a girl” courtney im sorry but the only reason you’re still in the game rn is because ezekiel made sexist comments in episode one. what are u saying lmfao

tyler and heather’s reactions to their fears rly make me think. bc like. most of the other campers have a more outward, loud reaction, maybe scream and run away. a couple are just a little wigged out. gwen gets a little snippy and is clearly super freaked out as well. but tyler and heather just. completely shut down. like, curled up in a ball, nonverbal, and shaking. makes u think.

why did cody need a calculator to figure out that the score was 7/3....... cody is canon lgbt+ bc he can’t do basic math without a calculator confirmed

also regardless of how little sense that made. at least that screencap gave us commie cody

when gwen starts trying to psych courtney out and heather like. gasps and looks shocked..... i like to think that heather feels a little bad for courtney here. heathney real.

duncan and bridgette hyping courtney up..... i love the killer bass so much omfg

courtney looks so sad when she walks away from the jelly.......

and then in the confessional right after?? she’s like. crying a little bit :( and she’s beating herself up abt it like..... :( courtney no

LITERALLY she’s like “how could i be so weak” “i deserve to go home” “you’re pathetic” (to herself) and then tells herself to show some confidence and then. she just starts crying again. and then slaps herself?? GOD I FUCKING LOVE COURTNEY SHE’S SO HARD ON HERSELF

owen just. hangin out in the tub of jelly. i love u, u wild dude. fuckin sit in that green jelly. loving owen hours

the little look that courtney and tyler give each other when they’re the last two without marshmallows..... half solidarity half “i don’t want to be the one going home”. i love them sm :(

i KNOW i said this earlier but. tyler should NOT have gone home this episode!!!!!! only bad thing abt this ep

all the fuckin chicken puns are a little bit funny tho

“he won’t be flying high tonight” bridgette chickens can’t fly

when courtney goes “okay, that’s enough” like. tyler’s not even there at this point but she’s defending him. maybe it’s because she still feels she should have gone home instead? maybe it’s because of that little bit of solidarity she felt for him when they were the final two without a marshmallow? maybe i’m reading too much into this? but idk. i think it’s sweet

okay no i have another complaint. what the fuck was the whole boat ride for tyler?? like when sadie gets eliminated the surprise she gets is that katie is on the boat. when tyler is on the boat, CRYING, after literally none of his teammates came to see him off, after he LITERALLY COMPLETED THE CHALLENGE BUT DIDN’T GET CREDIT FOR IT. the fucking. CHICKENS POP OUT?????? tyler deserved better

also some of the challenges were a lot easier, or at the very least, harder to fail than others this ep. i love it but come on. lindsay and sadie vs like. gwen vs owen and izzy vs dj. there were very different time limits, actual fright level, ability to back out once they were doing the challenge.... not a fair challenge

also uhm. if we’re being technical tyler and heather had the exact same reaction to their fears, so why did heather get a point and tyler didn’t? if the chicken had run at him, would he have won? smh

i do love this episode so much but. i had a couple complaints

okay finally lindsay’s little confessional to tyler where she blows him a kiss.... they’re so adorable lyler rights!!

[thewhizzyhead]

you very much Should Keep going (if you’d like) I’m reading your tags like 👀👀👀 I wanna know More!!!

dude believe me i only just thought up 90% 9f this while doing my math homework last night so yea this is very barebones and this is very very new have very little to offer but um imma try to explain a bit more fjdjdc SO ANYWAYS GRADE 11

Warning: this is very long and I am very sorry aaAAAA also i only just thought of this last night and a while ago while attending class so um yea it's chaotic.

the songs i've mentioned so far in the tag ramble aren't um consecutive so yeah there are a lot of blank spaces in between fjsjsj and yea I haven't figured out the other leads and their arcs yet (probably 5-6 leads). for now um the planned songs feature 3 of the leads:

Kate - basically answers the question of What If Eva Sanchez Was The Protagonist and What If Eva Sanchez Saw The Hell That Is Don't Even (in this show, this song is called "Anakpota?" or "The Fuck?"); she's a transferee and is having a bit of a hard time adjusting to the new school environment; her reasons for transferring run a bit deeper than just "humanities is a lot more interesting than stem or business shits"; i guess her main character themes are burnout, the want for childlike wonder again and overcoming the fear that comes with chasing what you really want and no i am definitely not self projecting what are you guys talking about smh rhhdhs /hj (altho i admit that this is loosely based on my own experience with deciding to transfer schools) and yea she's a very closeted lesbian that slowly starts to comes out to others and to herself more throughout the course of the show. and also she gets a girlfriend YAY

Noel - rn i don't have that much planned out for him cause u know barebones plot but so far um i guess he's the chill dude, overall good guy, rantaro amami from danganronpa v3 vibes, and he's initially framed as the "love interest" for Kate esp in the song "Ikaw Ba Ay..." or "Are You..." (i wanted that to be a play on the typical Filipino Teen Hetero Romance CAUSE THAT SHIT IS IN EVERYWHERE JFJSJD I AM GONNA MAKE A WHOLEASS RANT ON THAT SOON AND NOBODY CAN STOP ME) but surprise motherfucker BOTH OF THEM ARE GAY AND BOTH BOND OVER IT AND BECOME BEST FRIENDS YAY WOOOO i kinda want him to be like the typical "Filipino Teen Heartthrob" star student with the twist being that he's gay and not make that a throwaway joke cause um yea that's a throwaway joke here that someone who is real catch for the heteros but is actually gay is "sayang" or "worthless" here.

Ella - ngl she is probably gonna end up as the main lead here fjdjd i'd say she has riley+chess vibes aka The School's Hotshot Achiever and Student Leader That Is Very Intimidating But Is Actually Really Freaking Kind and i guess with a dash of Kate Dalton-ish snark. Like i said the plot is barebones rn so i dunno anything but i do imagine them being the one that drives the plot forward due to her outspokenness. I also imagine her to be the one (along with Noel) that makes Kate a lil bit more comfortable with her sexuality and yup you guessed it Ella is gay too (bi to be specific oh and she uses she/they pronouns) and altho still a bit closeted, they're a bit more comfy with it. also they become Kate's gf yay!

those are the leads that i have kinda planned out so far but yea i still gotta expound kna lot of atuff and make up more leads for this but then again i just started conceptualizing this last night so ANYWAYS HERE ARE THE OTHERS SONGS THAT I LITERALLY JUST THOUGHT UP LAST NIGHT (aside from the ones already mentioned)

+ "Nakakapanibago" or "Well This Is New" - Ella and Kate work together on a school project aaand gay panic ensues. both of them take turns in addressing the audience and panicking over each other in um er an "Oh My God She's Very Fucking Cute What The Fuck" way. it kinda has What Is This Feeling from Wicked vibes if you remove the aggression and antagonization jdjsd and i kinda emphasize on how overwhelmed they are cause for Kate, everything - from the school to the subjects to the people - is new and her attraction to Ella is like a cherry bomb on top of a chaos cake while for Ella, who has studied in the school since kindergarten which is why nothing about the school fazes her anymore, Kate is a literal breath of fresh air and the spontaneity scares them and excites them at the same time. The number is comedic (and is chance for me to add a shit ton of wordplay cause yAY WORDPLAY) but i guess also hints at their fears which will definitely come into play later.

+ "Mabuting Laban" or "Good Fight" - a group number led by Ella, this is the first song in the musical that isn't mostly comedic. like um the musical so far (before this song) is mostly somewhat of a parody-just-for-laughs-don't-take-this-seriously piece but with this, the show finally hints to something a lot more serious and insightful. so basically ella tells kate (this scene comes right after the Nakakapanibago sequence) that they have noticed that the latter is um very very shocked at the blatant show of LGBTQ+ stuff. Kate mentions that altho many students have since then spoke up for LGBTQ+ acceptance, things were a lot more conservative back in her former school (once again wooo definitely not self projection /hj) so like seeing all this is very new to her. Ella then mentions that things weren't always like that - a lot of fighting had to be done in order to get to that point. and because most of the students already were branded with a rebellious reputation (for a lot of delinquent behavior), they really didn't give a fuck anymore if they were being controversial or not. What mattered was that they would make the school environment a lot more welcoming for themselves and for others. That sentiment is also shared by other leads singing along as they go out of their way to ensure a much better environment for everyone (in terms of lgbtq+ rights, undoing the stigmatization of mental health matters, student activism yadda yadda)

(oh and also this kinda serves as something that bridges the prejudices between the two schools since Ella's school is famous for a lot of student delinquency while Kate's former school is famous for being known as the "Best School In The Region With The Best Students" (which is why Ella understands why the students in Kate's school are a bit more hesitant to speak up because Kate's former schoolmates got way too much to lose) and the rivalry those schools have with each other cause students from ella's school think those from kate's school are pompous little shits while those from kate's school think that ella's schoolmates are delinquents and yes this is commentary on the dynamic my former school'scstudents and my current school's students share) (i should probably give this its own song)

+ "Ayoko" or " I Don't Want It" - (this does not come right after Mabuting Laban fjsjd i honestly dunno where to put this) this comes right after a conversation regarding her reputation in her former school and yea this is Kate poking fun at the "I Want" song musical trope. Like um she addresses the audience saying something along the lines of "oooohh wow complicated backstory exposition! you are probably expecting a song rn ala "How Far I'll Go" from Moana but guess what bitches fuck you all cause i'm gonna sing a song about the things I don't want just to fucking annoy you." it starts off as incredibly satirical and um Kate Dalton-vibes all throughout the scene with lots of pettiness which will then gradually transition to her singing about how she threw all the opportunities presented to her by the former school just because she really didn't want to do them and was tired of saying "yes" just to be enough for them. She then starts singing about her taking control of her own narrative by finally leaving the school. She still laments about those lost opportunities and admits that she still kinda wants to pursue those, but if she has to sacrifice rest for greatness, then she doesn't want it. The song ends with a verse akin to most I Want songs as she finally admits what she really wants the most: rest and wonder.

also here's a verse i made up just a while ago

Diyos ko, sabihin mo, ano pa ang kailangan kong gawin/upang mabawi ang mga ninakaw sa akin/upang maibalik ang pag-asang nawala/upang sa wakas ako'y makakapagpahinga/sapagkat hindi na ako nagnanais ng kadakilaan/ang hinihingi ko lamang ay ang aking kabataan

translation (i'll try my best to make it rhyme): My God, tell me, what else do i have to do/so I can take back all that they have taken from me/so that I can bring back the hope I've long so been deprived of/so that for once in my life, I'll be able to breathe/ cause I no longer want all the greatness that you say I could've had/ I only want to wonder, I only want my childhood back

+ "Halos Lagi Nalang"or "Almost Always The Same" - if this sounds familiar yes i rambled about this before gjdjdjd I started conceptualizing this song even before i even started conceptualizing the musical. So yea this is in Act 2 the song starts with mentioning the exhaustion that comes with being an LGBTQ+ teen in the philippines cause yup same old conservative religious bullshit same old same old shit and despite many a lot of people advocating for LGBTQ+ rights, nothing ever changes around here because well conservative religious bullshit. so yea this is kind of an extension of "Good Fight" but make it more about the burnout felt by a lot of teens that want something better than whatever we have right now. Then it will also apply to the other causes that the leads fight for (activism,destigmatization of mental health stuffs, etc). I'd say it's a combination of Before the Breakdown + Move On musically speaking (yea PMA has influenced me by a LOT). eventually this becomes one of the star numbers fo the show cause yea all the leads will do a shit ton of singing and harmonizing (but for here i'd say Noel and Kate have a tiny bit more of the spotlight since for now they are the ones with the very LGBTQ+ based plotlines). I really REEAAALLY want this song to work aaaa i've been playing around with the melody a lot recently and if i can't write the whole musical, then i'll be content with at the very least writing this song

+ "Try Lang Natin" or "Let's Try It Out" - this is a very barebones sequence atm but basically it's a scene where both Kate and Ella come to terms with their fears related to uncertainty and go "fuck it we don't know jackshit about the future anyway so why not ondulge a bit and ejoy what we have today" and decide to start going out with each other YAYYYYY and also this is like one of the few scenes here were Ella is much more visibly nervous compared to everyone else in the scene so yay for helping each other come to terms with their own vulnerabilities WOOOOO (also paige i remember you saying once that kate and eva could've had a Forever reprise duet right? And correct me if i'm wrong but i think u said it could be about eva assuring kate that she won't go anywhere? WELP I'M STEALING THAT JFJSJJDF /lh /hj AND YUP KATE AND ELLA ARE BASICALLY UM KINDA KATEVA IF YOU SQUINT SO THANK YOU PAIGE FOR THAT IDEAAAA)

AND THAT'S IT SO FAR WOO THIS TOOK ME 5 HOURS TO TYPE IT ALL OUT FJDJSJFF i'm kinda impressed with this ngl considering that i literally started making this up last night and i hope that i can make something out of it woo

And if you guys somehow reached the end of the post and have read every single thing, I'm sending you a lot of hugs and a lot of milkshakes

[causticsunshine]

twenty questions

tagged by @are-you-quite-finished-giovanna thank you babe!! 🥰

1. why did you choose your url?

simply put i adore louis and i like purple and it just rolled off the tongue lol, but i also had a list of possible urls i also liked and i had to snatch this one up while i could!

2. any side blogs?

yes i have four....i'm not one of those 'everything goes on main and you can deal with it' type people.... but i have an inspiration blog @prickelndauge (art insp, lots of fashion, cool photography), an art-only blog @swmpwxtch, one just for spooky/creepy content because i'm really into horror manga and scary movies and that kind of stuff but i keep it off of main because i know a lot of it can often be triggering to others! (i also don't post much there but @bonepickng) and one for art references, life tips, random resources, and more donation sharing @am-ref!

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

soooo long i thought i'd be gone by now tbh. i know i signed up in 2011 after just browsing the site through random blogs and tags for ages, but i didn't start actively using my own account until early 2012!

4. do you have a queue tag?

when i actually remember to tag things i have queued i'll use 'i'm sleep queue' because all my early morning posts everyday are queued....i am an insomniac rip

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

keeping up with my interests better! i was like 15/16 at the time so it made sense. back in Ye Olde Days much like now—i really have come full circle lmao—it was mostly just for 1d and then some random tv shows/franchises i just to see content of semi-often, as well as finding cool art!

6. why did you choose your icon/pfp?

rn it's just a regular pic of louis! as much as i like using my collages or little edits as my icons, you can't see much of anything and it looks too busy sometimes (but also the photo i have rn....i am always thinking thoughts about it soooo)

7. why did you choose your header?

it's pretty! i wanted everything to follow a color scheme + i love embroidery and fancy gowns!

8. what's your post with the most notes?

ok i thought it was gonna be one of my old larry chibi doodles because i know a few of them hit 1k+ notes, but i deleted those in 2017 and apparently now it's this 6 year old like....funky photo study i did of dan howell from 2015 when i still watched him and amazingphil a lot?? i mean at least it's something i was once proud of lmao....there's a few art posts i have with semi decent notes that i pretend i Do Not See

9. how many mutuals do you have?

i think rn 40 something so not very many, although i unfollowed a lot of people i was moots with when i left my last fanbase so that's probably why 😬 i've been meaning to check out more HL/ot5 people though!! i love mutual interaction but i'm afraid of being annoying if i'm any degree of attentive

10. how many followers do you have?

overall i have almost 2.4k rn, but there's a decent amount that are totally inactive or at least don't interact with me so it feels like....a lot less lmao but since re-joining 1d i've already made up like all the people i lost when i left my other fanbase of almost three and more so thank you for actually liking my work and maybe me as well 🥺💗

11. how many ppl do you follow?

around 370 rn!

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

half of the stuff that comes out of my mouth is a shitpost fdngjkdf like my tags are bad enough lmao, no one needs to properly share the bs i have to say

13. how often do you use tumblr?

pretty regularly rn but there are times i'll go completely MIA depending on what i'm into/how busy i am!

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog?

in the past i have had some....issues with other people i've met on here but never directly had confrontation with them? most of the time that's happened i figure it's been one-sided though because i can get irritated with certain behavior really quickly—like i always say my heart is big and open but my bullshit tolerance is dangerously low—but when that's the case i'll just unfollow or block without saying anything?

although back in the day there was one instance (and seriously if anyone remembers this you deserve a medal because this shit was Ridiculous) where i kinda but not really called out another 1d fanartist who posted untagged noncon fanart they'd done of at least two of the boys, and then acted like it was no big deal (like. 1. those are irl people my dude and 2. untagged noncon art?? in front of my salad??) and their friends kept defending them for it and tried to come for me claiming i was a proponent of Purity Culture when i'm not and literally all i said in my post on it was that in my own opinion it was kinda fucked up to draw noncon art of real life people—not characters played by actors! but actual real people as themselves—in the first place, but if you felt the need to post highly triggering content like that the least you could do was tag it accordingly

but i think that was the last time properly so i guess times within this fanbase are still chaotic as ever just in a different way?

15. how do you feel about "you need to rb this" posts?

Annoyed™️ like don't guilt trip me over a post lmao i do what i want !!

16. do you like tag games?

YES i love to talk about myself after years of trying not to show any personality online out of fear of judgement dfjkngdf

17. do you like ask games?

yes! i want to do them more but i'm always afraid of reblogging one and then getting nothing and looking like a Fool :'(

18. which one of your mutuals is tumblr famous?

i guess i have a few moots that are kinda well-known or at least get good interaction within the community we're a part of? also isn't that phrase kind of an oxymoron at this point adfjkdf

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

not past platonic friendly affection lmao but honestly what is it like to have a realistic crush on an actual tangible person versus someone in the public eye who doesn't even know i exist.....it's been so long and i am so lonely please send help

20. tags?

@niallnailme @bolitodequeso @milkcurls @exzouis @ialwaysknewyouwerepunk @got-my-devotion @aliensyndrome uhhh anyone who'd like to please consider yourself tagged by me! literally if there was an 'all my moots' button i'd just pick that lmao and as always no pressure/sorry if you've already done this and i haven't seen!

[noahhernandez]

2/9/2015 v. 8/11/2020

1:Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie. My favorite movie is Scream, and it started when I saw the midnight premier of Scream 4 with my dad back when I was in 8th grade, then Scream 1 came on AMC late on night and I just really like it

I still think Scream is one of my favorites, but Halloween has jumped up there just because I am obsessed with all things horror really lol. I started to love Halloween because of the new trilogy.

2:Talk about your first kiss. It’s really not that interesting but really like embarrassing. It was with my first boyfriend and I had just turned 15 and we were at the school just walking around and we went into the band hall and I was like ok im leaving and he was like wait and we kissed and i was like o

the same ! 

3:Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for. I never really have had intense feelings for anyone. I d k

One my exes- I mean we were dating for awhile so that’s pretty intense to me. 

4:Talk about the thing you regret most so far. I regret… Nothing really I mean, I have done really bad things in my life, but i don’t regret them

I regret failing like 2 semesters of college lmao and almost dropping out. If i didn’t then I would 1- would have been done earlier and 2- would have already completed a year of grad school but IDK also another is wasting lots of money in 2017-2018

5:Talk about the best birthday you’ve had. The best birthday I’ve had was.. Idk This year was was nice I saw Iggy Azalea in concert, then I celebrated my friends’ birthday then mine and it was just everyone got to get together so ya this year my 18th

For my 21st birthday I went to Portland, Oregon and spent the weekend there and it was pretty and my first time there so it was nice despite what I think about PDX now. I don’t even know what I was doing for my 19 and 20th birthday lol. 

6:Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had. My 17th birthday because I was stuck 2 hours away from home with a bunch of nerds doing a band competition 

That is still probably my worst birthday. I forget to mention that I was gone literally from like 7am to midnight. They werent a bunch of loser nerds, they were my friends, but I still wish I was just at home lol. 

7:Talk about your biggest insecurity. I am skinny, but not fit. If I eat anything I get this like stomach and it makes me so sad. and ever since I got a job I work odd hours and I eat a lot of fast food and I’ve gained 10 pounds in 2 years and I guess i’m insecure about my weight

I am still insecure about my weight, and I probably weight like 5 pounds more than I did when I made this post 5 1/2 years ago. 

8:Talk about the thing you are most proud of. We have band banquets for band, and I only went my sophomore and junior year, and seniors give out awards to underclassmen that are just jokes really, and both years 4 different seniors gave me an award for being the biggest gossip in the entire band and I was proud of that lol

Well since then I have graduated both high school and college. I am proud that I finished college !! A BS in Psych. Proud of myself that I got promoted (in 2017) at my job; i’m proud of myself that I have my own apartment, and blah blah basically just doing regular adult shit. 

9:Talk about little things on your body that you like the most. I like my nose because of how perfectly fixed it is. I also really like my freckles/moles/dark marks idk what they are exactly, but they’re on my face and they look great

I still feel the same way about this, maybe add my eyebrows- they’re not like clean and nice they’re just expression markers on my face that i love.

10:Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had. I got into a fight with my old friend Angelica and that was almost 4 months ago and we used to be best friends and now we never talk.

When Janett didn’t talk to me all summer of 2019 because I told our other friend Angel something

11:Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had. I cant remember one 12:Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had. I can’t remember one

13:Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time. The closest thing i’ve had to like sex was being locked in a back of an SUV with a stranger drunk as fuck and naked and its embarrassing

Just awkward and nothing to which I expected. 

14:Talk about a vacation. When I was 16, the high school band took a trip to Hawaii, and all my friends were in band so it was great. We did a lot of things, we toured Pearl Harbor and even played a few patriotic songs on the USS Miss. and our hotel was on Wakiki beach. I went snorkeling in some beautiful water and shit and idk just walked all around Hawaii having a great time omg we got on stage at the Hard Rock Cafe and sang with German people i miss it

Hm that was fun. But I.. went to NY with my ex and that was pretty cool because I literally love New York, and I went to NOLA two years ago (today actually) and got miserably drunk so that was fun too 

15:Talk about the time you were most content in life. Probably just in the middle of junior year when everything and everyone was going with the flow

I feel like 2016 was a very content year because I remember nothing about it. 

16:Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to. Idk which one to talk about the one where I had a lot of fun and risked my life or the one where there was a lot of drama stirred up and drank myself to sadness. 

I haven’t really been to a party? I have gone out and had good times. Really anytime my friends and I go out I am having a good time 

17:Talk about someone you want to be friends with. I am already friends with people I want to be friends with

18:Talk about something that happened in elementary school. I kissed a boy on the back of the head and i told I just fell onto his head

Let me think of another one. Back in like fourth grade my friend was in a wheel chair and his backpack was falling from the back and I was trying to grab it and i was only 3 feet tall i couldnt see over or wasnt paying attention and i crashed him right into the bookshelves at the library. 

19:Talk about something that happened in middle school. A girl was mad at me because idk why lol and she pushed me in the hall way and I fucking flew across that hall on the floor and hit the wall she’s pregnant now

When I was in 5th grade (which is considered middle school in my district) I was standing on the play ground and someone threw a stick at my head and it knocked me the fuck out and I was bleeding from my temple.

20:Talk about something that happened in high school. In Jr. Year I was pulling into the parking lot but I was texting and I accidentally put half my car on grass area near the side walk luckily it was 7am and only one person saw me do it lol

One summer going into our senior year we had a party at Michelle’s house. First of all we were very drunk and Coby’s parents were like we are coming over and we cleaned TF UP so fast and sat on the couch and turned on I Know What You Did Last Summer and his parents were like interesting and and left and then we continued to drink anyways- we started playing truth or dare and my friend Angelica was like I dare u to kiss Anthony (someone I had liked prior) and he wouldnt and we started attacking him and calling him homophobic and hitting him with pillows lmao- him and I are still friend-ish

21:Talk about a time you had to turn someone down. I can’t think of something right now.

Literally anyone on grindr.

22:Talk about your worst fear. I’m afraid of having no career and being stuck doing something I hate and living paycheck to paycheck

Yeah, I’m scared of that still but I.. think just like being broke and jobless. RN with the pandemic we aren’t really working and still getting gov’t assistance, so.  IDK being a real real adult scares me a lot. 

23:Talk about a time someone turned you down. I can’t think of a time :)

One time in like 2016 maybe idk - this dude told me to come over and he lived far like not that far maybe 25 minutes lol far for me anyways I got to his apartment and there was a gate code and i asked him what it was and he didnt answer and it was like 2-3am and nobody was coming in or out and so i was like damn this sucks lmao

24:Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot. Nothing really has meant a lot to me. Everyone tells me the same thing over and over again and its so surface level

I still can’t think of anything but I’m sure the friends I have met since this and my friends Faith, Michelle, Peter, and Alisa have said something supportive that meant a lot to me. 

25:Talk about an ex-best friend. Angelica Ramirez. She was my best friend for only 3 years, but together we went through A LOT of shit. We started out senior year just fine, but she lied about a few things and made a lot of us feel like crap in October. I won’t lie, I do miss her. We have too many memories to just forget, too many funny stories and great adventures. She helped me with too much, and sometimes I think about how I cut her out of my life and I mad a bad choice. But only time can heal things and I have moved on and truly found people that won’t make me mad every 30 seconds. 

Brianna Pajak, I don’t remember anything about her except she was poor and we stopped being friends because she always wanted to fight and be annoying. 

26:Talk about things you do when you’re sick. Lay on bed on my computer and watch TV

I normally just suffer and cry about wishing I was healthy again.

27:Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body. Their…!!>>>??? 

I must have nice hands and ur nose must be nice too! so nose and hands. lol

28:Talk about your fetishes. none

yeah I don’t have any lol not that I can think of. 

29:Talk about what turns you on. Idk i really like kissing and touching and this is awkward. 

30:Talk about what turns you off. bad breath by

that and ugly/rough hands, acne sorry i know it is natural but, shorter than me lol, white people, long hair on guys, and thats about it i think hm i am single yes 

31:Talk about what you think death is like. I think its like idk its scary tho

um idk i dont like thinking about death because i literally want to cry when i think about it. 

32:Talk about a place you remember from your childhood. I remember being in trees a lot

My step grandma’s a lot because my parents were working and she would watch us. She passed away about a month ago :( 

33:Talk about what you do when you are sad. I usually only tell one person and that person is Alisa and I cry sometimes to her and expect her to make things better and she does thank u

I be doing the same thing, I text someone and that person could really be anyone but it happened the other day and I texted Bri and she was very helpful. 

34:Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured. I have no idea, I’ve never broken pulled strained twisted fractures or anything i have no life

I still haven’t done any of that stuff to my body. I also have burn scars but I did not feel those when it was happening. I would just say i guess my wisdom teeth coming in because I did not get them removed. I have 3 out lol.

35:Talk about things you wish you could stop doing. Pushing potential love interests away 

I have had some ‘love interests’ since this post, but it’s been about a year now since and I kind of push away the opportunity of getting close to someone. I also need to stop being a bitch sometimes. 

36:Talk about your guilty pleasures. eating 

I would say idk eating was a stupid answer. 

37:Talk about someone you thought you were in love with. never

I was in love and i didn’t ‘think’ I was in love. I don’t know what you mean by talk about them, they were my partner but we broke up hehe.

38:Talk about songs that remind you of certain people. Fireflies by Owl City reminds me of my 7th grade crush Fancy by Iggy Azalea reminds me of my two friends Michelle and Alisa idk anything else

um Idk. i rly cant think  39:Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier. I wish I would have known that

That it’s okay to tell people you’re struggling lol . That is okay to fail sometimes (school).  40:Talk about the end of something in your life. everything is just about to start

When I ended how to get away with murder I wish I never did I love that show with all my heart. 

[szivtalan]

8, 9, 16, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 25, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 34, 35, 36, 40, 41, 42, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 50, 53, 55, 57, 58, 59, 62, 64, 65, 70 (aside from Kagami 😂), 71, 72, 79, 82, 86, 87, 90, 91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, 99 for the "Asks, why not" thing please? (Omg that's soo much, I'm sorry I got carried away ^^')

8) Your looks (add a picture or describe yourself)

Average height, bordering on short. Broad shoulders, thick arms and thighs, square face, slightly projecting ears (one pierced, one with a stretched lobe), bushy arched brows, thick square glasses, faded dark red hair, dark brown eyes, butt chin. I look pale and perpetually sleep deprived.

9) What do you/did you study?

I was in a teacher’s training program for English and Hungarian language and literature, and I’m planning to go back to school to study sociology!

16) What do you look for in a SO?

Consciously: understanding, fun, sweet, kind and accepting. Unconsciously: somewhat broken and in dire need of emotional help which I’m desperate to provide lmao.

19) Do you prefer serious and meaningful relationships or casual dating/one night stands?

Eh, u know, it depends? I don’t think I’m fit for a serious relationship right now, so I’d prefer casual stuff atm, but on the long run I do want a partner to share my life with.

20) What are your deal breakers?

Really obnoxious people, ignorance and bigotry I guess. And I’m not keen on someone pushing or disrespecting my boundaries, either.

21) How was your day?

It was good!! My bro, his girlfriend and my friend tagged along to get our (me and my soon-to-be sis-in-law’s) ears pierced, and then my friend and I got a loot of food. I didn’t exactly feel good enough abt myself to be comfortable outside, but I got a lot of random kindness and that was Nice.

22) Favourite food & drink

Food: teriyaki chicken and seafood pasta, drink: ginger ale and iced coffee

23) What position do you sleep in?

I sleep half-curled up on my side, but I need to toss and turn a little until I find The Best Position.

25) Your fears

The dark, needles, rabbits (I don’t even know, dude), the fact that I’ll die without having made an impact on the world, being spoken about behind my back, being a bad influence on my friends.

28) Any pets?

Not right now! I used to have two rottweilers around the house growing up, but they both passed away sadly.

29) What are your hobbies?

Writing, sketching, basketball, getting on people’s nerves, researching typology, watchin movies idk?

31) What was your last awkward situation?

Asjhdh the ticket control guy told me to “Have a safe trip” and I said “You too!”. This rarely happens to me tho

32) What is your last regret?

Not holding my friend’s hand on public transport. It was…right…there….and she already told me she’s more than comfortable with physical touch! I’m a fool! Everyone thinks I hate touching but I don’t! I’m just shy!

34) Do you believe in astrological stuff? (Zodiac, tarot, etc.)

Ehh. Kind of? As for believing, I believe more in ghosts, but I do see some patterns in different signs. I just try not to let it affect the way I see/interact with a person, because no one deserves to be prejudiced for whatever reason, especially not their date of birth. Tarot is just fun, and the cards r cool

35) Have any quirks?

I bite the skin on my fingers, scratch my acne, make my knees jump… most of it is just regular anxiety stuff tho so idk?? I do think I’m quirky, but there’s just too much weird stuff to list ‘em.

36) Your pet peeves

Cig/booze stink on a person, customers being rude, bigotry, interrupting other people… There’s quite some things that annoy me asjdgd

40) Last 5 things from your search history

Boku No Hero Academia, Hawks, duck emoji, Grumman fma, How To Train Your Dragon

41) What’s your device backgrounds?

My phone lockscreen rn is a beautiful KagaKuro fanart of them standing in the rain in yukatas, Kagami looming over Kuroko and shielding him from the rain and Kuroko reaching up to stroke his face; my phone background is an art of they/them pronouns tattooed on someone’s knuckles, their posture unsure; my laptop background is a screenshot from the movie Déva, of blue skies and a street lamp.

42) What do you daydream about?

…cu..cuddling,,my…crush……..

44) What's your religion/Your thought about religion

Short version: barf

Long version: I was raised catholic (even tho I was never baptized), and attended catholic school for 8 years which gave me a really warped idea of Christianity, Which made me a cynic & an agnostic or atheist by proxy. I harshly criticize the catholic church and faith but sometimes… when I do feel hopeless I get down on my knees and pray, so I guess if I let myself find my own faith I’d be a believer. But right now, I’m good just existing in my nihilistic bubble

45) Your personality type

Needy imeanwhat. In a typological sense, I’m an INFP in Myers-Briggs, 4 core 5 wing in Enneagram, melancholic or sanguine in the temperaments, et cetera. Basically I’m a sad daydreamer with unresolved issues and a need to do Art

47) Are you happy with your current life?

Nah bro. I like my friends and my workplace but I’d like to move out of home ASAP. I’d also… like to get therapy before I go and put myself out there.

48) Some things you've tried in your life

Playing the guitar, hostess work, weed, cigarettes, being blackout drunk, smoking from a hookah, cooking, football, handball, basketball, volleyball, cycling, sailing, driving, hitchhiking long distances, folk dancing, one-night stands, long-distance relationships, helping people in need…

50) Favourite colour to wear?

Olive green, midnight/navy blue, white, grey and black.

53) If you could change/add something to your appearance - impossible or not - what would it be?

I’d… like to know how it would feel if I had a flat chest and a penis? I also want bigger Guns, and Abs, some more tattoos and maybe an eyebrow piercing.

55) Do you get complimented often?

I think so? I usually brush off compliments uhhh but yeah maybe! Maybe idk

58) Songs you're currently obsessed with?

My friend’s playlist reminded me that ‘Phenomenon’ by Thousand Foot Krutch exists. I’m also really into ‘San Francisco’ by The Mowgli’s atm and ‘Golden Time Lover’ by Sukima Switch!

59) Song you normally wouldn't admit you like.

I mean, it’s not like it’s cringe or anything, I hate cringe culture BUT. I do have Ariana Grande’s ‘Side to Side’ stuck in my head rn

64) Can you sing or play any instruments?

I can sing pretty badly, play a bad tune on my guitar, drum on the edge of my table, so- Nah not really asdh

65) Do you like karaoke?

YES VERY MUCH I live and die for karaoke, last time I did it in front of an audience we sung the Shaman King opening at an anime con with friends, it was Rad

70) Your fictional crush/es

AH NO FUN Kagami’s my number one,,, let’s see then: Aomine, Roy Mustang, Kise, Mikoto Suoh, Hotch & Reid from Criminal Minds, Yagami Light, Jaime Lannister and Brienne from GoT, Rustin Cohle from True Detective, Shizuo Heiwajima from Durarara!!!, why is this list full of men I didn’t think I liked men this much

71) Which fictional character is you?

Eddie Brock from Venom I mean? He’s a whole ass mess.

79) How much time do you spend on the internet?

Yike. More than I’d be proud of.

86) Would you use death note, if you had one?

No way dude. I don’t fuck with that shit, karma would fuck me right back.

87) What changes would you make in the world, no matter how impossible, if you had the power to?

I’d eliminate money and power and just make it a huge peaceful hippie community or something idk

90) What would you want to happen to you after your death?

Donate me to a medical school I don’t care. Make use of me! I’m gonna be dead, I won’t have any more feelings left to be hurt or anything asdghdsg

91) If you had to change your name, what would be your pick?

I’ve had a name in mind that I tried out once, but it didn’t really work out for me after all. I’m fine with Vee and Vic rn. Anything that isn’t my given name. I do want to change my surname to my mother’s, but if I do that I also want to give myself a different first name, and since That isn’t figured out yet, I’m just?? Call me whatever dude

94) Write 3 things about yourself - only one of them must be true

Ugh, I’m bad at these. 1) I have plenty of moles. 2) My eyesight is pretty good. 3) I’ve broken some bones before.

95) Cold or hot?

Cold in beverage, hot in weather.

96) Be a hero or be a villain?

Being a villain is way too much fun, but I have too strong of a conscience to pull that off, so… hero, I guess.

97) Sing everything you want to say or rhyme?

Asjhdf singing is funnier and more annoying, since I Cannot Sing

98) Shapeshifting or controlling time?

Dude I’m non-binary. Shapeshifting for Sure

99) Be immortal or be immune to everything aside from natural death?

Aight I’ll give in – I agree to immortality Just This Once.

[ziracona]

I reread your bit about rin in the last chapter and oh my god im crying. You did my girl justice. I'm so proud of her and i'm glad she had fun. I love the thought that she's helping him in little ways. ;') and oh my god. i love the myers siblings. Do you mind if I ask for hcs? because oooohhhmygod. need more

Awww thank you so much! I really liked the Adam-Rin segment too. I wanted to talk about Rin, but being an Onryo made it so I just couldn’t feasibly in the bulk of the story. Really glad I still got to give her her moment in the sun. : ) Adam’s such a great dude too, and I’m so happy he found meaning the way he did and keeps up such an active and deep relationship with someone who’s passed on. It’s not an easy thing to do, but I think it’s kind, and meaningful. And sure! I’m not sure if you mean Laurie and Mikey or Judith too since I got a few Judith asks yesterday, but ima assume this is ILM related and you’re looking for post-fic Laurie & Michael (sorry if that’s not the intended ask TuT). I did more but this is already a lot so I didn’t post them all haha. Here you go!

Laurie would be very unlikely to make the first move in a romantic relationship. She’s so used to prioritising survival, even when she’s okay again her brain is always, “keep homeostasis” as her directive, and adding a relationship does not fall under that listing. That said, she definitely still develops feelings, and would want things to happen. But I think it would be slow. I think with Laurie, she’d be going to lunches and having long talks and drinks and staying up and falling asleep on the couch together, in and out like each others’ presence belongs in their respective homes, come to each other for support and with hard days and for life advice, go to the theatre together and let them buy her a drink like they always do without being asked, brought back a nice gift from a trip, she waits up for them to get home to greet them, for like 1-3 years solid before one day they just take her hand and kind of smile and she realises she’s been in a relationship for two years and they just never said it, and maybe they won’t now, maybe not for another two years, but they know it, and she’s so happy.

Michael never cuts his hair short, but does not mind Laurie making him let her give him ponytails when they’re working on something, because it does get in his face.

Laurie softballs Michael for a while, since, well, she’s trying to help him reintegrate into society as a human being after having had a childhood that was basically just a 15 year stretch of psychological trauma, and being kind and supportive is a must. But after a few years, she’s gotten much more comfortable and sibling-ish in her interactions. She’ll definitely still be serious and supportive if anything happens and he needs it, but she’ll also give him shit for eating her food or not getting up off the bed she’s trying to make. He enjoys annoying her and does it for fun. Will hold eye contact and eat the cupcake she was saving just to watch her flip, like a cat batting an orange off a counter (or, you know, a sibling who’s feeling /that/ vibe rn.)

Laurie is 99% of Michael’s impulse control. If he and Quentin do something together without her, it /will/ be a disaster, because where Laurie inflicts neutral levels of chaos on the group w her lawful, Michael will almost instantaneously get Quentin to swap from lawful to chaos if she’s not there. They will both be fine, but there /will/ be something on fire when she gets back.

Laurie, walking into the house and seeing then throwing objects into a burning wastebasket in the living room: I don’t like what I’m seeing. Bring me up to speed.

Quentin: So, we maybe have illegally destroyed a car—but it’s okay! We had a good reason! Plus, we destroyed the evidence. Let me explain. So, this guy-

Laurie: :/

Michael: *gives her a ‘what’s your problem?’ gesture*

Michael and Laurie physically fight for nostalgia’s sake sometimes (for fun-get exasperated and performatively MMA. They would not actually injure each other).

One time, Laurie and Michael were walking home together from a movie and a guy drove by and whistled at Laurie and said something vulgar, and Michael stepped into the road and smashed the front of his car with his foot. It was beautiful. They did have to flee the scene but Laurie was /gleeful/. The dude in the car saw his gd life flash before his eyes and rethought some life choices.

It is a long time before Michael is willing to take any kind of meds for his psychosis (very understandably), but when Quentin eventually graduates Med school, six or so years later (bless u Jake for forging him some credits), he is willing to try a few given by him. It is not a good or easy couple of months, but he does it.

Michael gets along surprisingly well with the survivors. Most of them are pretty intimidated, but he’s genuinely chill, and they’ve been through weirder shit so 🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s like “Welp. This might as well happen.” and accept him in. Meg is a big thot. She’s into Susie and would never cheat and Susie knows this, but Meg will still flirt like crazy with Michael bc it’s her personality, and Michael, who’s never had this ever happen, is /beyond/ confused. Every time she says something stupid like, “Damn you’re tall. If I wasn’t a married woman, I’d climb you like a jungle gym.” He gives her the exact look Sam gives Gollum when he’s dissing potatoes in lotr.

Since she knew his and his family’s whole names and his wife’s face, Laurie tracks down Sujan’s family and tells them everything she can about what happened and how good he was, and what a difference the first person in the realm who was kind to her made.

Michael really enjoys traveling. He’s been cooped up his whole life. Spent 15 years in one little white room, and then 40 in reproductions of Haddonfield in the realm. Really, except for his solo journey from Wisconsin to home, he’s never left the state of Illinois. He goes with the survivor squad on their group trips, once he’s comfortable enough, and is consistently amazed. He’s not a very visibly emotive person, and can’t physically be bc of his psychosis symptoms, but his eyes will get big seeing the northern lights from a platform, and he’ll grab Laurie or Quentin’s wrist & point to make sure they’re seeing it too, and Laurie has never been so happy. After his first trip, he very much looks forward to the annual event.

Dr. Loomis is the only thing Michael as an adult has ever feared. (Obviously all humans feel temporary fear, like if a car comes at you or someone with a gun. But past instantaneous shock-fear, I don’t think Michael has ever been afraid of anyone else). This is based off of canon, because to me Michael reads as scared of him, especially in Halloween 2. He pauses and then retreats from Loomis in the first film, and when he sees Loomis running down streets looking for him in 2, he hides (I actually really love the Michael pov in Halloween 2 in the open. It was very humanising). Then, at the end of 2, when he’s blind and Laurie and Loomis have filled the room with ether, and Loomis tells him it’s over, he stops trying to find and kill Loomis and freezes. I genuinely think because he was scared of Loomis and has been for years (after that treatment constantly in isolation as a child, how could he not be?) and has known since he was 6 Loomis wants to kill him, so when he basically says “I’m about to kill you,” he believes him and it scares him. It’s the axe that’s been waiting to drop since he was a kid.

Laurie goes to cons with Nea, Quentin, & Min occasionally, and has dressed up as all three OG Star Wars protagonists like the lovely huge nerd she is. Has also made Michael sit down and watch all the movies w her.

Michael and Laurie go visit Judith a lot. They’ll pack a picnic lunch and talk with her and about her at her grave. It was very hard the first time they went there, especially for Michael, but after a while, it helps. It’s a way to deal with what was done in the past that makes it seem surmountable. It also helps to deal with the loss of someone they both cared for. When they go, Laurie always gets Michael to tell her something about her older sister she hast heard yet. David tracks down an old high school album from 1963, and is able to get three pictures of Judith colorised and they’re able to have a nice full-color photo of her to hang up in the house.

[purplesurveys]

858

Who named you? Both of my parents did. My dad came up with my first name, my mom with the second. On edge about anything at the moment? On edge is irritable right? I hate how hot it is rn, and it’s literally almost 11 PM. Pretty sure I’ll be giving myself a second shower for today, ugh. The thing that last shocked you? My mom unknowingly watched a jumpscare video earlier and since she likes keeping her phone’s volume at a high level, I got to hear the demonic scream that came with the jumpscare -______- My entire family jumped but I was the only one who started to tear up hahahaha Ever have dreams that come true later on? Like, sleeping dreams? I guess, but they’ve all been deja vu stuff. Like a random thing will take place in the present and I’ll just suddenly remember that I saw it happening in a dream before, if that counts. Is it sometimes hard for you to accept what people are saying as the truth? I guess, especially when I’ve become used to a different side for much longer. For instance I really loved my grandpa and always saw him as this gentle giant who liked telling me trivia, so it took me a while to accept that he had his issues with alcohol and that he’d turn into a different person whenever he consumed it.

Who is worse: The liar or the hypocrite? Hypocrites are annoying but when it comes down to it we all have our hypocritical tendencies, honestly. I’ll go with liars. Is your mom your number one fan? No, she’s very passive about my successes and will always make it a point to look like she’s not interested enough about what I dabble in. The one time she looked genuinely supportive and excited for me was when I passed UP, and that was because that was her dream for me. Do you sing in front of people? Neverrrrrr. I only do that when I’m drunk enough at a club and my voice is guaranteed to be drowned out.

Is there a scent that makes you feel nostalgic? Sure, there’s the smell of nature in my old school, my grandparents’ cabinet which has given off this musty smell for as long as I can remember, and the scent of my dad’s luggage whenever he arrives back to the country. Last time someone had a bad opinion of you? The last time I was around to hear it was last week when my mom hurled insults at me and my siblings, but I’m sure others have spoken badly about me behind my back. Was it for the wrong reason? Yes. Would you rather ask or be asked? Ask/be asked what? Who are you the most uncomfortable around? My mooooom. I get very wince-y when I’m alone with her...I feel like a barrage of insults or criticisms is gonna be thrown at me any second.  Are your parents overprotective? They were I was never allowed to join in the Friendster craze because my parents took the 16-year-old requirement seriously, I didn’t have my first sleepover until I was 16, I wasn’t allowed to go to anyone’s house but Katreen as a kid, among other limitations I had to live with. But idk, for some reason something must have flipped in their heads and I was suddenly allowed to do a bunch of stuff when I turned 16. Is there a part of you that you've tried to bury? Yuh, my entire childhood. A recent creation that you're proud of? Hdjshjsjdh I made onion rings a couple of weeks ago and they turned out yummy and I was really proud of it. It was also the first time I made any kind of food from scratch so I was ecstatic when I took my first bite and discovered that it wasn’t bad at all. Who's your favorite comedian? Not really into comedians...I’ll go with Grace Helbig, even though I primarily know her for her YouTube stuff. What makes you squeamish? Injections. What do you like in your omlettes? Everything that’s available. When I’m having a breakfast buffet at hotels I just tell the chef to just put in every ingredient they have at the omelette station. Who has your heart? My two dogs and my girlfriend. Do you have any online friends that you wanna keep, but not meet? Continued from last night because I was tired enough to pass out in the middle of this survey, apparently. Not really. I always find myself wanting to meet online friends. The worst I’ve felt is not wanting to meet an online friend again after I’ve met them, because irl them turned out to be a big dickhead. What’s something you want that has not changed as time has passed? To somehow get into the pro wrestling industry in any kind of capacity. Are you gullible? Sometimes. Though an exception to this fact is that I can somehow always sniff out whenever a parent or a friend has a surprise for me, so I’m rarely 100% taken aback by them. Does it take a lot for the opposite sex to impress you? I’m easy to impress in general. Are there seriously subliminal messages within Disney movies? I don’t care. I watch Disney movies to feel like a kid, man. I ain’t got time to look for symbols that flash on the screen for 0.0000001 seconds. Should cloning ever be allowed to happen? I don’t know enough about biotechnology to hold an opinion that I’m confident with, honestly. Your last injury was what? I have a bit of a gash from when I hit my right hip on the corner of our dining table. I’m pretty sure I also recorded this as my last injury not too long ago, and I swear this is a new gash LMFAOOOOO fuck I’m so clumsy. Are all of your friends going to be lifelong? I don’t wanna set anything in stone. I said my high school friends were gonna be forever, and I couldn’t be any more wrong about it. How long can you stand hanging upside down? :P I can’t even get into that position in the first place, lol. Should pot be legalized? I don’t know. I guess. I haven’t heard any instance where it seriously harmed a person. Weed is generally a taboo subject where I live – and the only thing I know about it is that it’s dealt by the richer, more boujee college kids lmfao – and a consequence of that is that I hardly know anything about it. Is" Family Guy" too random? Random wouldn’t be the first word I’d use for it? but yeah it can be, sometimes. I do remember finding some scenes a little bizarre. Do you have any friends that you love but they annoy you a lot? Yeah this was definitely me with Katreen in high school. In college, the only person I can think of is Mils; sometimes Reiven. Who would you live with if you got kicked out tomorrow? My grandma. I’d move back to our old home, basically. The most repulsive tactic the opposite sex uses? Obviously I wanna avoid generalizing but I’ve encountered so many screenshots of dudes throwing a fit when someone turns them down, or gets surprised that politeness ≠ flirting. It’s so annoying but at the same time I can’t get enough of those screenshots too lol. Are you impatient with really shy people? No, I’m one myself. I have a lot more patience with quiet people than with extroverts. What's gonna happen in year 2012? The year didn’t end, I got into One Direction, I got braces, I met my best friend, and life started to slowly look up from there. Do people consider you "easy to read"? You’ll have to ask people. What's your least favorite curse word? Cunt. Eugh, I winced just typing that out haha. What's a pet your parents never let you have when you were a kid? :( I was never that desperate for a pet. We had enough stray cats that hung out around our house because my grandma would always give them leftovers. Have any websites that have become a habit? Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, YouTube. Who do you wish you could change, if anyone? My mom, but it’s too late for that now. Has your house ever been broken into? Never. That’s a fear of mine, too. Do you always give your honest opinion when people ask for it? I guess. I’ve stopped being blunt, but I’ll always add a bit of truth into what I say.

[writingisbetterthandying]

Misunderstanding - GD

A/N: This was the first fic-fic I actually wrote so I edited it so let’s see how it does!

legitimately very cringy but I chose to keep it up! I wrote this in 2018?

Warnings: Language, Angst

Word Count: 1.8k

Your POV

I love Grayson Bailey Dolan. That is a fact. A well known fact to almost everybody, or at least that's what I thought.

We met three years ago in Jersey, when I was with my grandparents for the summer. I was reaching for a pancake mix, but it had been conveniently placed on the very top shelf. A cute boy with brown hair saw me struggling handed me the box.

We exchanged numbers and talked for a while before heading our separate ways. That boy was Grayson.

We spent the entire summer together [with Ethan too] and then I had found out that they would be moving to LA, where I already lived. We've been dating for almost three years, and it's been a dream. One of the reasons why we've lasted this long is our shared love for film, which is actually why I'm still in LA (besides the twins), is that I'm in film school, and I help them film all the time.

I'm working on a project for one of my classes, and to switch things up, I decided to use my friend Kian as a subject. The twins also happened to be in New York at the moment for TRL, but I still did want to spend time with Kian. Things were always a little tense with the twins and Kian, with the whole Meredith situation, but they both respected my relationship with the other. 

Kian being one of my best friends, had asked me to come over and hang out, and then I asked him if his house members would want to be in my short film. 

They said yes, so I drove over with all of my equipment. 

When I knocked on the door, JC answered and we caught up a little before Kian saw me and toppled me before I even got through the door. 

"You ready to film!!?!??" He practically yelled into my ear. 

"Okay first off, lower your voice, and don’t forget Lawley, this is still my project."

"Yes ma'am," he said with a little salute. 

Almost 3 hours later, filming was done.

"Great job everybody! Thank you for allowing me to do my film y’all, I should get home and edit, but I'll see you guys soon and send you the finished project!"

I was met with a cacophony of "But it's late!" "You should stay the night" "Don't go Y/N!" "We love you please stay!"

I finally gave in, slipped my shoes back off, put down my bag, and plopped on the couch.

"Okay then, what movie are we watching?"

"Well are you guys ready for a Jim Carrey marathon?"

Shouts of disagreement were spread out throughout the room.

"Rude- like you didn't have to be so mean about it like I thought we were friends guys! I thought you guys loved me but I guess none of you would care if I just locked myself in my room all night and cried. Like-" Bobby on the opposite couch had had enough.

"Kian if you don't shut up right now I swear I will lock you out of the house and clear out your room and you can find it all on the curb tomorrow morning."

"But then Y/N could just welcome me into her home."

I shook my head and told him he was on his own, and in return was promptly flipped off.

We eventually started a High School Musical marathon but soon everyone went to their rooms or fell asleep, so it was just me and Kian. He turned to me once the movie ended.

"Y/N, wake up!" I groaned in response, still only half awake.

"You should spend the night man, it’s late."

At this I startled awake, remembering that the twins were supposed to come in from their flight around this time.

"No- I have to get home!"

"Wait why? It’s after midnight?"

"I don't know when Gray gets back, well I do, but you know it’s late, and I want to be there when he gets home."

"God, you're such a nice girlfriend. Okay, go home, but please be safe driving!"

"Thank you Kian, I love you!"

"Love you too now go get your mans!"

I finally got home after the short drive and got up to the house. Once I unlocked the door, I screamed at first, because I was scared that it could have been an intruder, and then it turned to excitement. Gray was home.

"Hi bubba I'm glad you're home!" I leaned in to hug Gray, but he didn't accept the embrace. "Is everything okay? How was set?"

"I dunno, how about you ask Kian," he responded curtly. He seemed tense and honestly pissed.

"You know Kian is just a friend, bubba." Who does he think he is?

Grayson's POV: 3 hours ago

We had boarded the plane a while ago when Ethan showed me a picture of my girlfriend all cuddled up with Kian on Harrison's instagram. The caption was "harrisonwebb97 the gabriella to his troy.

"What the hell is this??"

"Gray, they're just friends. I don’t like him but they’re close. "

"Friends don't hold each other like that. And that caption too- like what the fuck dude?"

"She's known Kian for forever though, have trust in her, plus like look at everyone right next to them too."

"I'll text her later." I did text her later, a lot actually.

where are you?

getting on the plane...

i love you

is your phone off?

please answer me

y/n answer me wtf is going on rn

are you having fun?

kian looks like he's having a blast, holding you like that

i bet you and kian hooked up after that picture on harrison's instagram

well now i'm not the only one in LA.  

whatever, I'll see you at home

maybe I should have kissed that fan at the airport, she probably would be less of a slut then you.

Delivered 11:34 pm

I left voicemails too. I knew they were just friends, but she would've answered me by now- she always answers. The delay could only mean one thing. At first I was upset and hurt but now I'm pissed. This is all so stupid.

Grayson's POV: Present

"And friends lend each other sweatshirts." She should know what she did.

"What are you talking about?"

It took her a while before she realized she was wearing Kian's sweatshirt. "He gave it to me while we were watching the movies, I was cold, that's all."

"That doesn't even make sense but what were you doing there in the first place?"

Your POV

Now I was mad. I thought that after everything he would understand that I was loyal to him and only him. He knows that Kian and I are friends.

"I was there to shoot my project and then they asked me to stay for some movies! And it’s just a damn jacket, Gray." He wasn't the only one angry now.

"Well why didn't you answer your phone?"

"My phone was off? You know that- whenever I shoot I have my phone off! Sorry I forgot to turn it back on? What’s your deal right now, because you’re getting so aggro I’m starting to get mad.”

"Check your phone." His face was stoic, and he completely dismissed my words.

I read the messages. All of them. I didn't even want to think about what was on that voicemail. He knew my insecurities-he knows them.

His words had tears starting to trickle down my face, "You don't trust me?" How could he be so presumptive? There’s never been anything like that between Kian and I or anyone else but him for that matter.

"Why should I? I mean you're the one whoring around." His face was blank- and it was scary. Scary how when he’s usually just such a bright and uplifting person, to this dark and angry guy.

The tears just kept on coming, and I could do nothing to stop them. After everything, and this is how he treats me? After one post on social media, he’s calling me such horrible names?

He started to turn away towards the door with his still packed suitcase.

"Three years," I mumbled through my tears. He probably couldn't even be bothered to hear me.

"What?" As he turned around I could tell he was annoyed, but I was heartbroken because my boyfriend, or ex boyfriend- whatever he was now- had said these things. I couldn’t believe how the person I trust the most could be saying such vile and hateful things.

"Three years of trust, of an honest and strong relationship! Gray- I love you. I love you and only you. I thought we had established that but I guess we aren’t on the same page. Kian and I have never been anything more than friends, and you know he has a thing for Franny. I was cold! That was all! I turn my phone off when I film, and you of all people should know this. When I walked through that door I expected to see the man I love almost as excited to see me as I was for him, because of how much I love and miss you. You know that I trust you. You know how I feel about the literal millions of girls pining after you day after day, yet somehow I’m the one you chose. I thought that we had a mutual understanding and that we both trusted another and that we loved each other. I love you Grayson Bailey Dolan. Why can't you see it? Everyone else can."

At the last line I fell to my knees as I sobbed. My body wouldn't stop shaking and my face was probably all blotchy and puffy but I didn't care, I just felt heartbroken.

Grayson's POV

I knew I fucked up. We've gotten into fights before, but nothing too major, and they've been small and it ends with some ice cream. Cute and happy couple-y shit. Not tonight- tonight the only sound in the apartment was the sound of her soft and shaking sobs.

"Look I'm sorry I neve-"

"Why? I mean the things you said," she croaked, and I felt my heart break when I saw the look in her eyes, filled with sadness and fear.

"I was scared, I mean like Look at Kian! He could have anyone." She started to almost laugh? I swear I heard her chuckle.

"Grayson, I told you. Kian has a thing for Franny, and it is mutual, they just aren't official yet. I love you, and only you, and Kian's my friend and all, but I would never actually date him. He’s basically my brother! I don’t see why you can’t just believe what I have to say!”

She was still crying and all I wanted was to hold her. And to apologize over and over again, and to tell her how stupid I was for ever making her so upset.

I wrapped my arms around her, and while she still was tense, she relaxed slightly. I rocked the two of us in silence for a bit, then decided to speak. 

"I'm an idiot." She scoffed at that.

"That has been established."

"And an asshole."

"Yes."

"And extremely jealous..."

"No shit Sherlock! What the hell was that!" She slapped my arm with that, but I know she intended no harm. 

"...and a terrible boyfriend." This received no response, so I continued. "I shouldn't have acted the way I did. I should never have said the things that I did, regardless of if it was an impulsive move or not. Y/F/N Y/M/N Y/L/N I love you and I fucked up. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I promise to never doubt your love and trust again. Hell, I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you, I want to spend eternity with you, and there's no way you’re getting rid of me. I want to raise a family with you. I want to move back to Jersey with you, I want to live my life with you, and I want everything, but I only want it with you-and now you're crying again." She had turned around, and was holding me close. 

"You want a family in Jersey? With me?" She looked up at me with tears still in her eyes, this time hopefully happy tears, but she still sounded scared and unsure. That uncertainty in our future made me feel so horrible.

"Of course. You're the one thing always on my mind and I love you, and only you, forever and always."

"Forever and always" she whispered, and she looked up at me, and now she's actually smiling! "Bailey, I love you, but don't test me again, okay?" she was finally wiping the tears off of her beautiful face.

"I got you Y/N, and I love you too, now lets go to bed okay?"

"Okay."

It would be alright, with time, but for now, they both just needed to hold each other and sleep it off.

[masonjar828]

So this is in response to an ask me thing I reblogged. Thanks @kylorenpunk for once again making me do them all 😂 but I ain’t no quitter so let’s begin shall we.

1. Selfie; as seen above

2. What would you name your future kids?; If I could have sole control of naming my kids, I’d go with Zephyr for a girl and Red Nalloh for a boy. I always liked the word zephyr and I like the palindrome name that would come from naming my son that.

3. Do I miss anyone?; I recently moved to the west coast and left a lot of close friends behind so I miss each of them every day.

4. What am I looking forward to?; I recently interviewed for a job I’m pretty excited about so I’m really looking forward to hearing new news from them!

5. Is there anyone who can make me smile?; Legit anyone who ever says or does a kind thing to me I will think about from time to time with a little grin.

6. Is it hard for me to get over someone?; I don’t have too much experience needing to do so but I feel like it takes me a normal amount of time to get back on the level after being with someone 😂😅

7. What was my life like last year?; I was a senior in college man...life was a ball of stress and sleep deprevation for months.

8. Have I ever cried from annoyance?; Not really. It honestly takes a lot to make me cry usually. BUT! Show me something with heartwarming feels and a tear or two will always come.

9. Who did I last see in person?; My aunt while we were watching a movie.

10. Am I good at hiding my feelings?; Maybe? I feel like I am but I also know my poker face is garbage so I could be suckish at hiding my feelings too haha.

11. Am I listening to music right now?; Yes! The new Greatest Showman Reimagined album and it’s utterly amazing!

12. What is something I want right now?; I want more than anything rn to hear back from some job somewhere because I’m so in need of a post-college job 😂😅

13. How to I feel right now?; Bit of a headache and fairly tired but overall pretty happy! Listening to the rain outside helps.

14. When was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged me?; About 20min ago when I said goodnight to my aunt lol.

15. Personality description; I feel the best way to describe my personality is a hyperactive ball of music and useless facts who usually does anything to help my friends, usually at the expense of my sanity at times 😂

16. Have I ever wanted to tell someone something but I didn’t?; There was a time where I desperately wanted to take a risk of telling one of my closest friends just how I truly felt about her but didn’t because I didn’t want to risk ruining the friendship that meant too much to me.

17. Opinion on insecurities; They are a thing everyone experiences and should never be judged on, but I do feel like the only way to truly become better as a person is to actively work to identify and try to work on overcoming or coming to terms with them.

18. Do I miss how things were a year ago?; The constant stress, absolutely not. The friends I got to see daily and never get to see and rarely talk to anymore, all the goddamn time.

19. Have I ever been to New York?; State, yes. City, also yes. Went this past summer to see Hamilton live and my god it was one of the best shows I’ve ever experienced! ☺️

20. Favorite song at the moment?; Hardest question in the world to ask me since I listen to and love so many so songs at once. The one currently stuck in my head is Zac Brown Bands version of From Now On from the Greatest Showman Reimagined soundtrack.

21. Age and birthday; 22 and August 28th

22. Description of crush; No crushes at the current moment but I usually like women a tad shorter than me, with amazing eyes, and a personality that is fun and nerdy so we can make stupid puns and jokes to each other.

23. Fears; Only one real one and it’ll always be snakes. Fuck those venomous and scaly bastards.

24. Height; Like 5’9”-5’10”ish I think?

25. Role model; My dad for sure. He is one of the most loving and caring people I know who can be outright terrifying if he needs to be.

26. Idols; I’m not really the type to idolize anyone tbh 😅 I feel like idolization can be a tad unhealthy.

27. Things I hate; The thing I hate most in the world (apart from snakes, fuck snakes) would have to be the sound of silence (not the song I love the song). Silence weirds me the hell out and I’m not about it.

28. I’ll love you if...; I’ll basically love you if you just show you genuinely care for me and have my best interest at heart. If you do that I’ll basically fight for you til the very end.

29. Favorite films; Star Wars for a series, Airplane! for a individual movie.

30. Favorite tv shows; Brooklynn 99 is my current binge. Others tend to be Star Trek: Next Generation, Cosmos (think this is considered tv), Friends, Avatar, The Last Airbender, etc lol.

31. 3 random facts; About me I’m guessing? I can solve a Rubik’s cube in about 30sec. I can sing the lyrics to literally each and every track from the Hamilton soundtrack. And I can bake recipe for cookies I’ve had friends literally fight over blindfolded if I have the ingredients all lined out first.

32. Are my friends mainly girls or guys?; Girls mostly. Guys tend to annoy the hell out of me most of the time. Even my best friend in the world can annoy the shit out of me fairly easily 😂😅

33. Something I want to learn; How to play literally any instrument. At all. I have wanted to learn for ages but I am just not good with instruments at all.

34. Most embarrassing moment; I tend to repress my embarrassing moments a lot so the first one that comes to mind is when I was talking shit about a professors godawful and stupid teaching method after being given a test he taught us like 30% of and turning around to see him 10ft away and definitely hearing what I said 😐

35. Favorite subject; Any math or chemistry really. #chemicalengineeringlife

36. 3 dreams I want to fulfill; Fairly easy I think. Find success in an area near my family so I can stay close with them after years of being unable to. Find a partner who I can be happy with the rest of my life. And be financially stable to never need to stress about living day to day.

37. Favorite actor/actress; Actor I think Chris Pratt. Actress Anna Kendrick.

38. Favorite comedian; John Mulaney without hesitation.

39. Favorite sport; Tennis. Can’t play it for years and not love it.

40. Favorite memory; Ooh hard one. I think it would have to be the time my family went camping to a place in the middle of Nowhere, Nevada when I was younger and I was able to see each and every star in the sky like I had never been able to before. It made me start to love space and science as a whole looking into that beautiful endless abyss.

41. Favorite book; Hate this because I love reading so so much and it’s like having to choose a favorite child. I think the one I most often reread would have to be The Hobbit though.

42. Favorite song ever; Bohemian Rhapsody I would guess counts the most since it’s the one I will always go back to and enjoy. (Also if you haven’t seen Bohemian Rhapsody the movie yet it’s insanely entertaining and I recommend it hard)

43. Age I get mistaken for; With the beard grown out some age definitely mid-20s, without the beard I’ve been called 18 or younger multiple occasions.

44. How I found out about my idol; See idol question above.

45. What my last text message says; “Goodnight”, sent to a friend I was talking to as they were very close to passing out.

46. Turn ons; If you’re able to engage with me on an intellectual level and be able to just be fun and goofy with me.

47. Turn offs; Trump supporters, Naxi sympathizers, and people who refuse to accept scientific evidence for things like vaccines and climate change.

48. Where I want to be right now; In bed, which luckily I am! 😝

49. Favorite picture of my idol; See idol question above.

50. Starsign; Virgo I believe.

51. Something I’m talented at; Random useless fact storage to be used at bar trivia nights.

52. 5 things that make me happy; Being with family, listening to good music, reading a good book, baking something delicious, and long drives with deep talks with friends.

53. Something worrying me at the moment; Not getting the nice job I interviewed for after the interview going as awesome as it did.

54. Tumblr friends; I have a few friends who have tumblrs like @kylorenpunk, @thepunmaster3000, and @be-inspirational-to-others. Though any mutuals I have I would love to become more friendly with so please feel free to send me a message sometime 😂😋

55. Favorite food; Probably chicken Alfredo I think.

56. Favorite animasl; Dolphins and tortoises 🐬🐢

57. Description of best friend; Tall dude with a short trimmed beard. Musically talented in basically any instrument I can think of. Movie lover to the point of almost insanity. Funny dude who also calls me out on my extremely dumb jokes and puns all the goddamn time.

58. Why I joined tumblr; I was told about it by a friend when I needed to vent a lot and she had me make one. Vented very rarely but enjoyed the weirdness of the site.

59. Ask me anything you want (I’m guessing for who asked me this); @kylorenpunk, why the hell do you make me always do all of these? 😂😅 I don’t mind but lord does it take forever to type all this junk out.

[findsomeoneelse]

       This might be a very angsty thing to say but I kind of legit hate my dad. He complains all the time that my brother (who i think probably has depression or something rn) and I don’t help him around the house but 1) when we do he’s a huge asshole, literally calls me retarded all the time bc he’ll verbally tell me like 10 things in a row to do and my ADD ass can’t remember it like that and he often  threatens me as well (and there have been incidents with physical violence between him and me). 2) gives us the most useless and asinine tasks i.e. vacuuming a BRICK PATIO or WASHING ROCKS. 3) will ask us when it’s convenient for HIM, my brother and I are 20 and 21 and have either a job or school and for a while I was doing both. 4) he is NEVER satisfied no matter how much we do. 

        And concerning the physical violence shit I have so much pent up feelings about it. As far as I know he’s never come after my brother like that. He may have hit my mom before but I’m not sure. I just know that once they got into a bad argument or something bc he was being really loud bc of a football game and then suddenly my mom was crying (she doesn’t cry a lot) grabbed us kids and went to our grandma’s. He’s also kicked every dog we’ve ever had, literally drop kicked one through a small tree bc it chewed the blinds and then left him outside to run away while he took off to who knows where to sulk. But my point is he has NEVER treated my brother the way he has treated me and it shows. My brother gets away with avoiding so much work and a fuck-ton of lying. My dad almost never invades his space or commandeers his stuff. I’ve almost failed several big school projects in the past bc he’d randomly decide to punish me or that his stupid yard work was more important and that it was my fault for not accounting for his random chores. 

         I literally keep a bug-out bag in my car and a knife by my bed bc of him. I spent my entire junior and senior years of high school with a stomach ache every single day and horrible insomnia from anxiety bc if he wasn’t threatening me with violence he was talking about kicking me out of the house for no real reason. His response to my worsening mental health was to make jokes or just ignore me when I managed to finally muster up the determination to say something. If my mom hadn’t taken action and helped me get help I’d most likely be dead now. I’m still trying to rebuild my self esteem that he destroyed. Then years after I was on medication (that he was opposed to and mocked, my mom was the only one on top of that) and doing better he had the fucking audacity to ask me about how I was doing. Me being like 16 yrs old I lacked the vocab to say that I feel that he forfeited the right to ask me those things so I just shrugged it off.

          He insults and mocks every friend I have in some way shape or form. He also once told me that some older friends I was extremely close to at the time would eventually get tired of hanging out with an annoying little kid so I should get used to them not being around bc they would leave me. I mean he was right about that, and they were pretty toxic for me but that was really fucked up and I’ll never forget it.

          I finally have a good romantic relationship now, with a boy surprisingly, and he’s so sweet to me. Every time he tells me anything remotely kind I almost fucking cry bc I immediately assume he’s lying or somehow delusional. We had our first sort of disagreement, it wasn’t even that big a deal he had just made a few jokes that had upset me, but I was so terrified to bring it up and was so ready for a fight that when he simply apologized for his behavior and promised to correct it I immediately broke down in tears of relief. I’m so terrified for him to meet my dad bc I don’t want him to belittle and invalidate us, or try and take away all our privacy in a weird attempt at policing my sexuality (he has tried something like this in the past with my brother). I’m also so scared my boyfriend will just assume my dad is a normal nice guy and that I’m crazy, bc my dad is good at appearances. We’re well-off but honestly the only reason my brother and I ever see any of that money is bc of our mom, she handles the finances (and p much everything else around here). 

        That’s another thing I hate is that bc I turned out okay everyone assumes he must be a good parent. I had to work so fucking hard to become who I am now DESPITE him NOT because of him. I had to work so hard to become a kinder person, and learn to motivate, comfort, advocate, take care of myself. I’m an intelligent person (at least i’ve been told I am) bc I work to teach myself, both in school and life. I had to learn all my emotional intelligence and social skills myself. I’m working to make my life good and full of the love I never felt from him and to a slightly lesser extent my mom. I’m still working at it. Which is why I’m just as afraid that he’ll be accepting of my relationship and be “proud” or whatever. Thinking he raised a confident and smart daughter. That he has any right to be a voyeur to my happiness or take any credit for it.  

      I work hard so work through so many issues he caused in me on my own. I work so hard to keep myself from sabotaging my current relationship bc I feel unworthy or like it will just vanish. I still can’t fully grasp that this boy could genuinely like me and feel like I’m worthy of his time and effort bc of how stupid and ugly my dad has made me feel my entire life. I have so many things I want to tell my SO but in the moment feel like I physically cannot get the words out for fear of looking stupid when he finally leaves me. I still have so many walls up with him and I really don’t want to but I can’t get them down bc I’m so fucking scared despite all the evidence he’s given me that he cares about me and just wants to know me. It’s honestly incredible how just having someone like him has changed me for the better. He makes me feel smart and capable, like I can have the life I want. He doesn’t see any of the shit my dad seems to see in me and hate. Like fuck the fact that I only seemed to need one stable and loving relationship in my life to succeed really says something I think. 

       I hate feeling like I can’t talk to my own parents, well mostly my mom, but they really make it impossible. My dad bc you never know what will piss him off or if he even gives a shit and my mom bc she will probably tell him whatever you tell her. I have other adults, my aunt (my mom’s older sister) and uncle (tho he’s a newer addition to the family, they married last year.) but I’m so scared to talk to them in case they slip up and let stuff slip to my parents. My aunt also just doesn’t Get a lot of things like mental illness so she can invalidate ppl and be mean. She does encourage me a lot tho, more than my parents EVER have. 

      My SO doesn’t have much of an idea of my relationship w my family other than it seems strained and we barely talk despite all living together. He sometimes half-jokingly tells me I should spend more time with them or make an effort too, and I don’t tell him that I’m not the one who fucked that up for us. I try not to talk about any of this with him yet, and I honestly don’t know when a good time is or how to go about it. He’s gotten little hints here and there before I change the subject. He has a relatively big family that he regularly spends time with, so I don’t know if he’d understand all this. His dad is a little similar to mine in the sense that he always seems to have weird projects around the house that he drags them into but it doesn’t seem like he’s violent. I honestly don’t know what to say about the physical abuse. I’m so scared of how he’ll react. I’m scared he’ll brush it off, I’m scared he’ll get super concerned or angry for me. I just don’t want it to change how he sees me. People seem to get the impression that I’m confident and that I don’t take shit, and it makes me feel so embarrassed that I let myself be pushed around by my dad.

      If anyone actually reads this post and has suggestions for talking to an SO about this stuff (especially in the case of an abuser being good at manipulation/gas lighting) let me know any suggestions you have. I thought by this point in this rant I’d have some sort of clarity but I don’t really. My dad has been slightly better the last year or so, since we moved to a new house that’s bigger and we’re on opposite sides of it. After one of his worst outbursts (at the beginning of my senior year) I gave him a book about male abuse in an attempt at confrontation but I doubt he read it. He’s been better but I can’t let go of all these feelings. Older people tell me that eventually I’ll forgive him and move on but I honestly don’t want to. I don’t want him to just get away with treating us like garbage. Maybe that makes me petty and childish but I am barely 20 so. It be like that. Might make a separate post about my brother might not. I love him but dudes got issues rn.

[faroutspaceman-blog]

My weekend so far. . 1/2 -1/4/19

My weekend starts off on Wednesday because quite frankly I can't remember what I did Monday or Tuesday. Those days are now non-existent. Forever lost in the trash bin of my deep ugly brain. Here I am laying on my bed, bored out of my fucking mind. I strum a lil guitar, sing a little, but put it back away because I realize I'm still as shit at guitar no less than I was 5 minutes before i picked it up. Now the only logical thing to do is sit and stare at my ceiling loudly moaning irritated grunts of boredom at my innocent ceiling. I get up and decide to make the most extravagant fucking sandwich. Well it was subpar, I usually put lettuce on it but we were out so I settled for a greenless burger. Whatever. I go to sit back on my bed and enjoy my sandwich, when I get a call. I fucking shoot up and tap that answer call like I just felt a rush of heroin in my blood. Thank the fucking lord. My brain almost had an aneurysm from how bored I was. My friend Vanessa and her Boyfriend (who happens to be my ex lover, love that..fuck) asks me if I wanna hang.

Me: "why yes I do want to chill, but if I'm still eating my sandwich by the time you pull up, your ass is waiting at the driveway."

Them: "we have Goldfish and Arnold Palmer's tea"

Me *while stuffing the whole sandwich in my mouth* : SAY NO MAS IM READY

I get on my new Blockbuster hoodie I bought the day before (yes from the world's only Blockbuster left in my Local Bend, Oregon.) And some jeans I found on the floor. I grabbed my keys and my bag and phone. Hiked up my driveway (which let me tell ya was a whole fucking mission in itself. ) Hall ass down my street I see Vanessa's car and they're driving like maniacs down my dirt road so I obviously take advantage of the situation and throw a peace sign into the air and lay in front of her car ready for my death. She stops and I hop in and am greeted with both my promised food items. I was very happy. We drive to a friend's house about a few miles from my house because we need to refill our pods with juice because ya know.. gotta get that nicotine rush. We had 8 full pods to last us the day. (They did not last for 3 people.)

After we fill our pods, we head down to Redmond, Oregon to the local 24 great Walmart to do what ever because we were bored, I decided to challenge my friends to a game of Hide n seek, and I was the only one who hid because they were being lame. I won it took them 40mins to find me. I was in the office supply Ile. After we went to Walmart, we went to Fred Meyers. stole their WiFi and lounged on their couches until it closed. Nothing special pretty boring.

Then Johnny, Vanessa's Boyfriend, gets the bright idea to swing by his house to see if his parents have packed up to leave to Idaho. If they are gone, Johnny plans to break into his own house ( I say break In because he just got kicked out.. again for refusing to be Mormon and for smoking and going against his parents) They are not gone yet so we decide to go to our chill spot which is way up on this hill where you can see all of Redmond. We talk, watch vines, etc.

Anyway I decide to go outside and look around, as I'm looking around Vanessa joins me. We are across from the car and we look around and I find this underwire leopard print bra a smashed TV and a lone boot. So I was already like "what the actual fuck happened here?"

I still forward towards the TV and there I see it, an empty grave, it looks fresh. I turn to Vanessa and she's already booked it back to the Car with me right behind her. We lock the doors and turn on Nextflix (we were watching Chappie).

Halfway through the movie, this man in a green Subaru pulls up next to our car. This is already fuckin weird because only few know about this road.he parks his car a lil ways from ours, cuts off his lights and just idles. At first were cautious but he just seemed to be doing the same we were, so our fear eventually subsided. We finished our movie, the car was still parked, and we pull out to check to see if Hunters parents had left. As we were pulling away we saw that the man had a blond haired woman in her car, but not to be rude she looked like a hooker. He was probably waiting for us to leave and we accidentally rang this man's bill up 200 an hour. Oops.

We checked Johnnys house. They're still there. Guess we're sleeping in the car tonight. We decide to try and find some food, we pull into Domino's and order a large pizza. As we're waiting for pizza, I joke able how I've cut my Cornea in the most retarted way to Vanessa's boyfriend. I move my hands to get the hair out of my face, and the string to my hoodie cuts my eye. At first I thought there was just something in my eye so I start rubbing it. It really fucking hurts. I close my eyes and black thinking it will go away but it never does. We drive back to the chill spot and on the way back, we see that green Subaru on the main Street leaving from our spot,but I saw no girl this time. Who knows we were gone a long fucking time. Must have dropped her off a few ways back. We get back in on the hill I manage my eye to keep the excess light out of it and my friends play Madea boo 2 on next. When the movie ends we decide to just go to sleep on the hill. I'm a little pissed at this point because I just wanted to chill and not murder my eyeball.

We put her back seat down and I'm on the far edge in the backseat wishing I never came because maybe if I stayed home this wouldn't of happened. Then there's a knock on the window. Not like an accidental hit it was clearly a knock. I dont say anything, it isn't acknowledged between any of us. I try and sleep and Johnny is freaking out

"dude are you fucking hearing this. It sounds like footsteps and dragging outside."

I don't hear shit so Ignore it. Then Vanessa starts hearing it. And I know she doesn't lie so I'm flipping my shit at this point. Vanessa jumps into front seat and She whips her car off the hill so fast we was cooking.

We end up driving back to Walmart to get me eyedrops in hope it'll make it better. As Vanessa is running in to get eyedrops, this girl stops us to ask if she can use her phone because her friends ditched her at Walmart ( what fuckin assholes. ) She waits away from our car for her friend, and she quickly comes back telling us that a man asked if she wanted a ride home and a smoke.we told her to wait with us because I was suspicious that it was the man in the green Subaru.

Vanessa's comes back with the eyedrops and we leave the parking lot without the girl. I strangely don't remember saying goodbye to her but we did apparently? We park in the neighborhood and get back into the backseat of the car. We play never have I ever until 4 am. We fall asleep and wake up at 6:30 am. I'm still asleep I. The back seat when I hear Johnny's happy that his parents are gone, he tries to look for ways back into his house but it's a no bueno. They drives to lowes while I pretend to be asleep on the backseat of the car. All I heard was lockpick and Saw and I already knew someshit was about to happen.

They park back at Johnny's house and I stay in the car. About 10 minute later Johnny comes back In the car and yells "we got it". Sweet so the lock picked worked? Nope they sawed a hole in the backdoor. He is for sure going back to jail after this. Vanessa guides me inside because I'm blind and can't see. We sit on the couch i call an eye doctor in bend and make an appointment for 4pm, for Johnny's uncle that happens to coincidentally be an eye doctor. He lives a block away from Johnny. Around 12 pm. We leave Johnny's house and go look for other things to do I. The area.

We pull into this Freshman's driveway,(Tom) and lets get this straight, Tom is fucking annoying and no one likes him because he is a fein for pods and nicotine, that and he thinks he's tough shit. Proud why he got excelled. We've had to help him with every fight he's been in. Trash.

We chill at his house for a while, and eventually his step mom walks in and kicks us out "get out of my house, I don't like kids having sex on my couch"

Honestly we just came over to steal his food. His step mom is such a joke. She has the biggest crush on our friend Jason. We could honestly break apart that whole marriage and cause such a scandle with that information. Anyway it's about 2pm now, my appointment is in two hours. We drive to the park and wait.

5 minutes later Tom skates to us on his long board, asks if he can hang and throws his board I the trunk.

Fuck. Just when I thought I was gonna get away from this kid. We drive by away from the park and go towards bend for my appointment. The whole car ride he blows his burnt vape in my fave and it smells like ass. I asked him to stop. He didn't. We stop at the grocery, I stay in the car, while Tom takes a smoke break out the car while Johnny and Vanessa shop. 3 minutes pass and he asks if I want a smoke.

"no that shits nasty"

"come-on. They don't even taste like stogies. They smell soo good*

He shoves the pack of cigs in my face and I was getting pissed. The only way to get rid of his prized cigs is to threaten his prized cigs.

"if you don't get that shit out of my face rn, I swear I'll rip them all up then spit on them"

"I'll beat ur ass if you do"

I just smirked at him as he took his cigs back and closed the door.

It's about 3:45 and we head to my appointment. Vanessa directs me to the office. And it's so bright in there, I instantly start crying which makes my eyes hurt even more. I honestly have never wanted to just instantly die in a moment than now. I just want to stop hurting. I'm finally able to open my eyes and the office by is actually very nice. I fill out the paperwork and the doctor sees me right away.

I try and play it smooth, talking about how broke I am, and how much I love Jonny so he'll give me a discount be because I don't have health Insurance.

Then he says "be in remember you, we played ping pong at Johnny's house during their Mormon party."

I had flashbacks to the Mormon party, and how we won the game, how I almost fucked Johnny in his car afterwards on the way back home. But it felt wrong because Vanessa was there. Then I remembered the hole in the back door.

"yeah that was really fun. I remember we won."

He didn't day anything he just put numbing drops In My eyes and this yellow dye. He looked at my eyes and said

"you have a 3 millimeter cut on your eye. You really did some damage"

"dammit"

He writes my prescription and im ngl I almost booked it out the door. But I waited instead. He me 120 for a 2 minute visit. Asshole. After I talked so nicely with him.

Me and Vanessa went back outside but the car was gone, so was Tom and Johnny.

We called them, they're a block or two away. We waited and waited, and entertained ourselves by kicking rocks to each other that made the best ear tingling noise you could imagine.

A couple minutes later the car pulled up and this girl other girl was in the car. Wtf man I just want to go home. As soon as we get into the car everyone is aguing about where we're going and Johnny wants to Trade My weed for pods.that he didn't even ask me if he could be trade. Which pissed me off A SHIT TON. johnny, Tom and this dumb dumb bitch kept arguing about pods and juuls. I realized how absolutely fucking retarted it is and how I never want to sound like that. I save all my shit to Johnny and just said " I quit" . We drove into Safeway gave them my perscription. Told us to come back in 20 minutes. Dropped dumb bitch off at her friends no house. Johnny traded my Weed for pods. And Tom proceeded to cuss out girl we traded with calling her names like fat ass, which I did not approve of. Tom commented on something and I swear I almost killed a kid in front of my friends. Tom was lucky that night. I would have strangled him if it wasn't for my eye.

We go back to Safeway and they try and charge me $47 for a $4 perscription. Fuck that. We transfer it to Walmart. We drive home, I'm the first to get dropped off. Thank fucking god.

My mom comes into my room, and hugs me and just listens to me sleepily jabber about anything.

Last time I'll ever sacrifice my subpar sandwich for goldfish and Arnold Palmer's.

Never again