#but every time i start thinking about it my brain gets so fried with emotion lmao

[tsutsumi-kurose]

one last little thought about this panel: i think there could potentially be some very interesting lore implications here, and/or implications about how tsukasa views himself

one of the biggest mysteries about tsukasa is how much is he tsukasa and how much is he the god he held in his chest in the red house? this panel could be some foreshadowing about the lore about that and/or his views on that!!

also really emotional to think about who and what tsukasa is in the sense of, so far probably the biggest reveal about who and what he is, has been his status as hanako's yorishiro. and maybe there's some implications here about his feelings about that being what he is now... but no clear thoughts in my head about that right now honestly, just more and more endless possibilities of what it could mean if this is hinting at any feelings he himself has about that! or maybe even lore about... which tsukasa amane loved enough for him to be a yorishiro... but that's a whole can of worms lol

we know he's hanako's yorishiro, we wonder if he's an evil god who's taken over tsukasa, we wonder if he's both himself and the god, and here he is saying my name is tsukasa.

makes me want to go back and reread to see... how much insight have we gotten thus far into how tsukasa views himself?

[actual-changeling]

this one is thanks to a post by @thegroovyfool because she is very much correct - we do not talk about aziraphale's "i need you" enough.

so once again, with a deep breath and a sigh, welcome back to alex's unhinged meta corner, where i tear apart the confession scene frame by frame. i'm gonna say, watching this particular clip over and over and focusing on aziraphale's face almost took me out.

let's get into it.

first, how about a little look at our starting point. (any blurry screencaps are due to a LOT of movement on michael's part rip)

crowley is very pointedly facing away from him, he turned after aziraphale said "we can be together - angels!", presumably because being offered exactly what he wants in the one way he cannot have it fried his brain, cause besties it surely fried mine.

aziraphale on the other hand looks openly desperate, which is why he says "i need you." more on that later. let's have a look at how he says it, because michael "microexpressions" sheen is putting in the work.

to me, he seems close to tears, his eyes are glistening in that specific "i'm about to cry my eyes out" way i know from looking in the mirror while crying

he is trying to get crowley to listen to him and to turn around. he wants crowley to face him, which is something most people tend to want during an argument. talking to someone who is not looking at you tends to make someone frustrated and like they're not hearing you/do not care about what you have to say.

aziraphale looks close to despair, his i need you is a plea to crowley to come with him. he is opening himself up not just emotionally but physically, too.

he slightly leans forward, his arms are raised and seem to both slightly grasp for crowley and point towards his chest/heart for emphasis. the pure pain visible on his face knocks the air out of me every single time i look at it.

aziraphale is admitting to needing him, something he has never done before, hell, he has told him the exact opposite on numerous occasions. i don't need you. and while they both knew it was a) a lie and b) a way for him to deal with his conflicting emotional standpoints and cognitive dissonance, it still hurt crowley every. single time.

crowley was there for him no matter what, he knows aziraphale needs him but he came back and remained at his side even when he was pushed away and more or less openly insulted. he endured it all.

aziraphale saying i need you now is pretty much a slap in the face but also what crowley needs to hear. as with everything that happens during the entire conversation, the timing is fucked up and they're talking past each other.

in my opinion, that is why crowley does not react.

only when aziraphale turns spiteful and starts questioning his understanding (aka calling him stupid without outright saying it) does he re-enter the conversation.

aziraphale, however, is upset. now, i will put on my tinhat for just a second and turn up the insanity because there are two more things i want to talk about.

first, the little stutter at the beginning.

"i ngk - i need you."

my question is - why? why does he stumble over these words in particular when it does not happen with any other sentence? the only other time is right after crowley walks away with his "good luck", he stumbles over crowley's name.

so, in short, it happens when he is either caught off-guard or saying something incredible emotional.

and this, everyone, is where i go unhinged in my interpretation.

what if he initially did not want to say "i need you?" what if he was so caught up in getting crowley to stay/come with him that he did not think and almost confessed another three word sentence?

what if he was about to say "i love you" but stopped himself because no, that's too direct, they don't do that, they can't do that. it goes against EVERYTHING they have silently build over the last six thousand years. so he chokes on it. he chokes on it and instead he says "i need you" because it means the same thing.

i need you. don't leave me. come with me. be an us. go off together.

i forgive you. i love you.

they say it over and over again because that's the only way they can say it.

that is why aziraphale is so angry and upset after saying it. he told crowley he loves him, he needs him, and all he got in return was silence.

the funny part is that this code may have worked before, but it no longer does. crowley is too hurt to listen to what aziraphale is trying to tell him, and aziraphale is equally as hurt and also not listening anymore.

the funny part is that it stopped being about love and started being about sides again. my side, your side, our side. choose a side, choose our side, choose me.

the funny part is that beelzebub and gabriel told them what they need to do, i found something that mattered more to me than choosing sides.

[seeingivy]

3:45 am 

roommate eren x f!reader 

drunk eren is not your usual eren 

**mini series masterlist here

content: drinking, eren is a mess, kinda suggestive content, nervous asf reader, spooning :0, not THAT proofread my brain is still fried from finals

previous part linked here

- 

You’ve come to understand why Eren loves Wordscapes so much. The game is addicting, frustrating, and the best way to kill time at work when no one else is there. Eren’s been swamped with soccer season starting soon and Annie has practicals, which leaves you and Armin counting the minutes till you can leave work. 

You’re both currently sprawled on the carpeted floor, with you scrolling through your phone and Armin lifting his papers up in the air, trying to memorize all the steps of the Krebs cycle. 

“Is Eren a good roommate, Y/N? I hope you’re settling in okay.” 

You shift your position to face him, still focused on the stupid level you couldn’t beat. You take a screenshot of the level which was a bad habit of yours. You wouldn’t have made it through half of the levels if Eren didn’t help you first. 

“Yeah. He’s not around often because it’s soccer season, but besides that I think we’re getting along.”

He smiles, nodding in acknowledgement. You feel your phone buzz against your hand, Eren responding. 

the game isn’t fun if you cheat, dumbass

i literally helped you with the game the first time i met you. repay the favor you wench! 

the last word is ravine.  

ty ren ren <3 

shut up. 

“Has he come home drunk yet?” 

“No. I thought he doesn’t like to drink.” 

“He only does it when the season starts. They party after every game but he’s kind of a lightweight. Worse than Annie. His old roommate mentioned it was annoying at times, so I was just wondering.” 

He shifts back to his papers, whispering the steps of the Krebs cycle as you return to your game. You silently ponder Armin’s words, wondering what Eren could be like when he was drunk. 

Armin can surprisingly handle his drink really well. You wouldn’t even be able to tell that he was drunk if it wasn’t for the way his face flushed pink when he did. One sip and he was in a perpetual state of blushing. 

His roommate, Jean, was mildly decent, but way too energetic when he reached his peak. You distinctly remember him asking you to dance on top of a counter with him last week at Armin’s apartment. 

For some reason, Armin’s political science professor Erwin had gifted him three bottles of wine for the holidays, which you all decided to crack open at dinner. You would have danced on the table with him, considering you were just as plastered as him, but Eren stopped you from doing that all together by mentioning “he won’t take care of you if you break your neck falling.” 

You highly doubt that, because Eren took care of you that night, making sure you made it home with him, drank water, and weren’t nursing the worst hangover known to man when you went to work the next day.

You were slightly embarrassed but that went away entirely when you thought of Annie, who is a demon. Clingy, emotional, and horny. You can’t tell who was more embarrassed - Armin who was getting kisses pressed all over his cheeks at the dinner table or Annie who found out she did that the next day. 

- 

You’ve avoided going out all together since the beginning of the semester, in hopes to avoid seeing Nifa or any of your old friends. You had seen them at a kickback during syllabus week, which Annie had dragged you to, and decided then and there that you wouldn’t be going again. You’re not crazy about the party scene anyways. 

You’re currently nestled in your couch, huddled in blankets watching TV and working on your political science essay when you hear a loud amount of pounding on the door. You glance at the clock on the wall, the time reading 3:45 am. Who the hell was pounding on your door this late? 

You set your laptop down at the counter, putting your blanket down as you as you shuffle to the door. You unlock the door to find Eren leaning his forehead against the wall - cheeks pink, eyes glazer over, and the smell of beer pungent. Drunk Eren. 

You’ve opened the door, but he has yet to recognize your presence. His eyes are pressed closed. You silently wonder if he’s fall asleep standing up if you left him there. 

“Ren. Come inside!” you whisper, hoping not to wake up the girls living across the hall. 

He flutters his eyes open, a wide smile splitting across his face at the sight of you. He pulls you into embrace, heavily leaning all his weight against you now that the wall wasn’t supporting him.

“Hi princess. Did you miss me?” he slurs, his breath tickling against the side of your neck.

Princess? Maybe he could be worse than Annie.

You reach down, securing your hands around his shoulder as you guide him into the apartment, shutting the door behind you. 

You watch him lean against the wall in the kitchen, his head facing up towards the ceiling, panting at how out of breath he was. You quickly rush to fill a glass of water and bring it to his side, steadying it in his hand. 

“Drink the water, ‘Ren.” 

He leans over at the sound of your voice, plopping his head onto your shoulder. His hair is a mess, out of its usual hair tie and tangled over the side of his face. You reach forward, securing the loose strands by his ear, while lightly coaxing him to drink the water again. 

He lifts the glass up successfully for three seconds just to drop it, drenching both of you in cold water. You clench your fists, your hands getting tangled in his hair, where they were still resting. 

“Ss-orry.” 

His eyes are still clamped shut, his breaths getting deeper and deeper. It’s your fault for letting him hold the water by himself anyways.

You lift him up off the wall slowly, leading him to his bedroom. Eren quickly rushes into his bathroom and you can hear him retching in the bathroom. You look around his bedroom for a clean set of clothes and a towel to help him clean up before you put him to bed. You highly doubt he’s conscious enough to take a shower, so the clean clothes and mouthwash will have to do. 

As you rummage through his room, you realize you’ve never really been inside - just peaked your head in to ask him if he wanted anything for dinner or to say goodnight. His room is minimal, covered in posters and polaroids you’re certain Armin took on his camera. 

You drawn to the polaroids in the dead center, clearly taken from the dinner you all had at Armin’s last week. The picture on the left is one of him and Annie, arm wrestling on his kitchen counter. The one directly on the right is one of him, Jean, and Armin, the three of them staring directly into the camera without smiling. 

The one in the center is the one that catches you off guard. The picture is of you and Eren. He’s seated on the couch and you’re leaning over, your arms tangled around his necks. Your cheeks are pressed together, both of you smiling big with your eyes closed. You don’t remember taking the picture - or much of the dinner last week anyways - and make a mental note to ask Eren to remind you about it. 

You can hear Eren shuffling behind you and you rush forward to catch him while he is still awake. The room is still dark, the only light in the room from his lamp that he left before leaving. He leans against you, his forehead pressed against yours as he stands up. You can smell the minty mouthwash on his breath.

“Let me sleep now.” he murmurs, his breaths uneven, but calmer compared to earlier. 

“Your clothes are wet. You have to change and then I promise, you can sleep until tomorrow.” you whisper, hoping he has a little bit of consciousness left to do this. 

He attempts to stand up on his own, as he takes the clothes from you. He leans his forehead directly against your collarbone again, panting heavily. 

“H-help.” 

Fuck. Okay. This is fine. He’s just a boy. You’re just helping him change and it doesn’t mean anything. He probably won’t even remember this tomorrow. 

“Arms up, ‘Ren.” 

He raises his arms and you reach for the end of his shirt, pulling it off the top of his head on the tips of your toes. You ignore the pounding in your chest and burning in between your legs at the sight of his bare torso, pressed against yours, in the center of his bedroom. He has a silver necklace on, a small key charm in the dead center. 

You reach forward to examine the key, but you’re thrown off by his shoulder. You notice six identical, angry red marks on the left and reach forward to run your fingers across the marks. 

“Ren. What happened?” 

“Soccer cleats.” 

“Let me check on it tomorrow?” 

He nods, reaching up for your fingers that were still tracing the outlines of the marks. He locks his fingers in yours, squeezing twice. You take that as a sign to not talk about it and move to pull the other shirt over his head. He stops you, incoherently whispering about how it’s too hot. That’s fine. You can live with that. 

Your place your hand against the top of his knee, feeling the dampness on his pants. You can’t take his pants off for him. The shirt was one thing but the pants? You just can’t.

“Ren.” 

He doesn’t respond. 

“Eren. Can you…take your pants off? I can’t do that for you.” you whisper, your hands shaking where they're resting against his biceps. 

He nods and you turn around, hoping to maintain any sense of privacy that you and Eren had. You can hear his breathing race up again and can tell he’s moving erratically in your peripheral vision. 

“You okay, Ren?” 

“Fuck. My hands are shaking. Can you just help me with the button and I can do the rest?” 

You turn around, Eren’s green eyes boring into yours. You try to avoid the blood pulsating in your neck and keep your eyes from meeting his entirely. You can feel your breathing speeding up now, your fingers shaking as you reach for the button of his pants. 

When you finally unclasp the button and pull the zipper down, you let out a shaky breath. At that moment, Eren brings his hands up to your shoulders, squeezing hard. 

“Stop that.” 

“What?” 

“Those breathy little sounds while you’re unbuttoning my pants. Don’t. do. that.” 

You swallow, murmuring an apology as you turn back around. You can feel the heat rushing to your cheeks and sincerely hope that Eren remembers no part of this tomorrow. Did you really exhale that loudly? You hear him slip the shorts you left him on and you turn around to push him into his bed. 

You lean over, readjusting the sheets around him. You watch his eyes flutter closed and turn around on your heel. Thank god. He’s asleep. 

You feel Eren’s fingers clasp around your wrist, stopping you from moving any farther. 

“Stay, please. Can’t sleep without you..” 

You pause, staring down at his hands. He can’t be serious. He can sleep without you - he does it everyday. He’s just drunk and rambling, he won’t care if you walk away. 

“Being serious. Come to bed.” he murmurs, his head pushing further down into his pillow. 

Does being drunk make Eren read minds? 

“My shirt is still wet from the water, Ren. I have to change.” 

He leans over the side of the bed, reaching for the shirt you left out for him. You take the shirt from him, squeezing it in your hands as you move to the free side of the bed. He’s facing the other way, so you can sit on that side to put it on. 

You can sit next to him till he’s fast asleep and then silently run back over to your room to sleep in your bed. Yeah. Yeah, he’ll probably knock out fast and then you can run back over. You quickly pull the shirt off your body, discarding it on the side. 

Before you can pull Eren’s shirt over your head, you feel his fingers wrap around your wrist again, pulling on you. How many times was he going to do that? 

You look over to find his green eyes, still swollen pink, twisted in concern. He reaches over, his fingers ghosting over the side of your shoulder where your bralette strap was resting. He lightly pulls it to the side, leaving the scar indented on your shoulder on full display. You can feel his fingers ghosting over the scar tissue, his hand shaking. 

“What happened?”

“Oh, it’s from a few years ago. I just fell off my bike into the sidewalk.” 

He nods, his fingers sliding across the scar a few more times before moving the strap back into his place. You can feel your skin burning under his touch, the words dying in your throat. He shoves his head back into the pillow, scrunching his eyes shut. You pull the shirt over your head, Eren’s smell sticking to your skin, as you push yourself under the covers with him. 

You stare into the ceiling, waiting for Eren’s breaths to even out. What were you doing? Why are you in Eren’s bed, letting him run his fingers around your skin in the dark? 

The thought tangles in your stomach, your chest, your throat and you reach to your side to get up and leave now - surely Eren must be asleep by now. As your weight dips to the side, you feel Eren’s arm pull you closer into him, your face nestled into his chest. 

He murmurs against your hair, his arms trapping you in his embrace. 

“Stop thinking. Go to bed.” 

You realize quickly that any efforts you make to wriggle out of his embrace will be futile so you press your eyes closed, leaning into his touch as you fall asleep. You swear Eren presses his lips to your forehead, but you’re not awake enough to decide if it was real or not. You fall asleep, tangled in his arms, the sound of his heartbeat lulling you to sleep.

- 

next part linked here

taglist: @maliakealoha

pls let me know if you want to be added to the tag list!!! just reply to this post or leave ur @ in my asks box :D 

[yokiidokii]

How would the gang react to a reader who constantly says sorry ? like for every stupid thing at the end of a sentence due to being Bullied majority of their life . So now I their adulthood it’s just kinda automatic “oop I’m sorry” even when it’s not necessary

My smile is immeasurable- I do this so often you have no idea. I have absolutely been worried about not knowing if I was gonna do the request just right. This is not one of those times. I did have a surprising amount of trouble with it though? Despite it being something I myself do constantly lmao, ah well I hope I did it justice!

Also hi! I was in college so this is so very late and I’m so sorry about that <3 My prof mentally threw me around like a rag doll and I came out with my brain fried.

Warnings: I don't think any? Maybe some general allusions to anxiety just because of the prompt itself? Andre mentions weed but uh- nothing else! Relatively safe<3

Reagan

I feel like she understands, I could see her thinking of it more in a like, a logical sense? Not like she doesn’t understand the more emotional side of it- she’s got her own issues. But in the like “Oh, usually when people do this it means they are scared of what people think and don’t like conflict. I’ll keep that in mind.”

She gets it, and I want to be absolutely clear- I cannot see her being one of those people saying “It’s fine.” Because like, for her it doesn’t feel like it ever really is? But she will be the person to help you feel like, it’s okay that you said it but know that you do not have to. You didn’t do anything wrong.

If you want to tell her the reason why you do this, apologizing and explaining she will feel for you. I mean we’ve seen her school experience, we had one friend and a buncha kids who were way older than you and treated her like shit. Also her father, very much her father.

She won't ever press you or act like you aren't trying harder to get better but she'll make sure in her own way that you know it's all gonna be okay one day.

One day you won't have to think about the past and everything will be okay <3

-

Andre

Andre may or may not have told you about his experiences with his family and how they really affected him.

You have probably also- at least once maybe seen him without drugs and how that can make him.

Long story short he is in no position to judge even if he for some reason wanted to.

Would offer you some weed

He means well and will not pressure you if you say no, though he will totally ask “Are you suuuureee?” because he cannot stress enough the wonders of medical marijuana

Whether or not you take it is up to you, but he will absolutely let you chill either in his office if you're at work or at his house- would come to your house to make sure your comfy if you need it<3

He is a loving man with lots of his own experience in this kind of regard and he will help you no matter what!

He is more than the drug guy though please literally let him be known for more than that he deserves it so any tips he's used to help himself out he will give to you.

A very caring man with his own issues and lots of advice and love to give if you'll have it~

-

Brett

Oh honey, this man? This man understands.

Brett will apologize after you do because both of you think that is is somehow both of your faults.

Though he will undoubtedly let you know in every way he possibly can that it is not your fault in any way and that he loves you.

He would absolutely mention therapy- it helps him! It might help you?

He would absolutely be holding your hand anyway and if you do apologize while it happens, he’ll squeeze it in his own and shoot you a quick “No need to be!” before continuing the conversation. He doesn’t wanna spend the whole time acknowledging it just in case putting too much attention on it in the open would embarrass you or make you feel worse.

But he will be there for you, and he will be listing off things that he’s learned to help him when he can’t stop doing it either.

-

Myc

I can see Myc start by just being a little bit sarcastic. Like he isn’t entirely sure why you do it just yet, but he doesn’t want you to be saying it and thinking that you did something wrong.

He gives those like “Oh yeah? You’re sorry?” and you know that if he had actual eyes, he would be giving you a look of ‘You really wanna do this rn?’.

And he will probably continue to do so even after he knows why.

He isn’t going to treat you differently per se, at least- he acts like he isn’t going to…

But you feel the tentacle that was already wormed around your waist squeeze just a little tighter before you end your sentence to remind you that you didn’t do anything, and you don’t need to apologize. 

I mean he gets it, he got bullied. He ended with a different outcome for himself, but he still understands. It sucks, and even if you don’t want to think about it or you don’t want to constantly feel like life is repeating itself over and over again but sometimes it’s just going to feel that way even if it isn’t.

Though Myc will be there to help you understand and work through all the woes of getting to inside your own head.

-

Gigi

She would raise her brow at it at first.

Hit you with that “Honey you didn’t do anything wrong.” and make sure you know that it’s all okay.

Is teaching you how she ignores her haters constantly, if you say anything about it not being on the same level and you start apologizing again, she is going to lovingly slap you in the face with her words (She would not lay a hand on you ever-)

Comparing yourself gets a “tsk tsk” from her and a long list of all the parts about you she thinks are beyond stellar.

Gigi would be very honest -like the most honest maybe- about whether or not you actually have anything to be sorry about. 

If you do, she’ll accept your apology but try to figure out a way to do it in a way that won’t encourage you to do it when you don’t actually have to.

And when you don’t, she places a hand on her hip and gives you a look, eyebrow raised just lightly in a ‘really?’ sorry of fashion.

She’s not questioning it; she knows it happened. But she’s asking if you really wanna do it, you know that she will no doubt spend her time talking your ear off about not doing this again.

She does it with the upmost amount of love I promise- but like,,

Do you dare question her? I wouldn't

-

Glenn

Okay. I don’t want to say Glenn doesn’t get it at first, but out of all of the people in the gang it feels right to say he might take the longest to adjust and learn how to handle it.

But just because he might not get it at first doesn’t mean he’s rude!!

It’s more of a “What? Why are you saying you're sorry? You didn’t do anything?” Kinda confused-

He’s a confused ol man, forgive him.

Though, he would understand the bullying thing like 100%

He’s no stranger to rude comments or being talked to as if he has no feelings, typical bully behavior even if he wouldn’t talk about it or call them bullies, just,,, assholes?

That and the feelings that come from thinking about those comments is something he understands, and something that he can try and a headspace he will gladly try to help you out of.

[a-dauntless-daffodil]

argh NO the feelings of listening to Make A Man Out Of You for the millionth time and having it sink in that Shang goes through ALL the emotions as he sings it and he gets his own little character arc

like it's a montage of Mulan coming into her own for the very first time and the soldiers learning to work together with their strengths-

and it's also Shang, singing the song, singing his parts SEPPERATE from the chorus, drowning them out-

him the captain, alone at the top, leading and guiding, determined to prove himself and be out there on the field to help his father- him starting out so full of CONFIDENCE and conviction yes he WILL make a man out of you! (somehow) sharing his idea of what a man is: BALANCE. Tranquil and on fire. it's finding your center, you place inside yourself

but then the soldiers all sing and they're begging for their lives under his training, hopeless, the mood isn't we're in this together it's i am going to die die die die hey lets throw rocks at ping- ping is even worse than the rest of us we all hate ping

Shang's sings again and there's desperation now, heed my every order and you MIGHT survive-

he's not hoping to train the best army ever anymore, he's scared he'll lead people to their death because he Cant Train Them right, he's running out of time to get them ready,

And this is the moment he tells Ping / Mulan to go home. his darkest hour in the song, him giving up, him admitting HE'S failed

how could i ever make a man out of you? Not, how could YOU ever be a man- how could /I/ ever make you one! Maybe Ping could be a great soldier, but Shang can't teach it

(am i reaching? maybe. i dont care)

He blames himself. A bad teacher, he thinks. but he will not send someone who can't fight into a war just to die

(a good captain)

Ping would've just been the first one he sent home, im sure

Mulan CAN'T go home though, for her HERSELF she can't do it- her father is safe now and she has a way out but no No NO, she climbs the pole to reach the arrow as the song climbs with her,

Shang's voice tenses with this sort of desperate hope and wonder as he hits the last note, as she throws down the arrow, as he looks up and sees-

she got there using both weights, using BALANCE. His teachings-

but he didn't teach Ping that

And finally. FINALLY

shang sings with the chorus

the instruments drop away and it's just voices, Shang in lead yes, but the soldiers are with him now. or maybe it's him finally being with them?

Mulan's example brought them together. Her, Ping's success, wasn't just a victory for new recruits- it was the moment SHANG saw he could be a good teacher, a good captain

with help.

he gave Mulan room to try herself, he showed her basics, cared more about Ping's safety than his own ego- told Ping go home, -I- can't teach you. I have failed. He left the door open for Ping to teach himself

remember the chorus? "Be a man" -it's a CHORUS it's NEVER sung alone

(like shang has been singing)

A man isn't singular. He isn't separate. Isn't alone.

He is the moment the whole camp looks up and CHEERS to see the weakest one of them make it to the top

a man is that last shot, all of them together, moving as one

their center isn't something they hold inside themselves. None of them start winning until they turn their focus outward and find their center in the people around them- they come into their own when they see ANYONE even PING can be a man

and Shang needed to see that too

that shot of him running with soldiers and Ping at lead is the visual version of that last chorus line

he started out wanting to make men out of these guys, he ended up learning to be one of the men himself instead

and i think ive fried my brain

[starryjkoo]

Jikook Travel Show + Solo Music Timeline Theory

Alright so I’m slowly losing my mind in the current fandom environment + I think this Jikook drought is starting to mess with my brain so I’m going to share my delusional and increasingly desperate timeline for the Jikook show + their solo music. It’s mostly baseless and probably inaccurate BUT I think it could make a LITTLE sense…

So it looks like they built a mini era for Taehyung and Fri(end)s around the extra content he prepared before enlistment. I actually told someone I thought all the small content drops were building up to a bigger project — AND I WAS RIGHT — so this totally validated my baseless theory and here’s what I’m thinking.

I wonder if they’re going to use the travel show as promotional content for Jikook and build a mini era around it like they did with Fri(end)s. I think this would be an especially good idea considering Jimin mentioned he wasn’t able to prepare as much as he wanted before enlistment. I’m assuming maybe he wasn’t able to film a lot of extra content outside of his music and MV (especially based on iirc THs(?) quality over quantity comment).

But that’s okay! Jikook can’t go on any variety shows to promote but they actually have a whole variety show of their own they could use to promote themselves instead! It would definitely make Jimin and Jungkook trend (at least within the fandom) and put them somewhat in the public eye. I think it’s also the perfect content to bring a portion of ia & casual fans back who would then be able to catch their music announcements easier (which is one of the points of promoting).

BH could be saving the show for a content gap considering it’s not really time sensitive, but I still think it would be smarter of them to make the most out of the show and let it serve multiple purposes and promote Jikook. They don't have a lot to work with, so they should make the most out of every piece of content they have imo.

Point two - I could see them using it for FESTA as well. Obviously Jin returning is going to be the big huge mega amazing FESTA event, but I’m wondering if they’re going to want to have some extra content for ARMYs to consume. It would make it so Jin wouldn’t have the entirety of FESTA resting on his shoulders either. So if they don't have something else already prepared, the travel show would work great.

AFAIK it’s the first proper unit project in CH2 and it’s going to definitely have some OT7 vibes. I’m sure Jikook are going to talk about the group, missing the other members, what they want to do when they’re all back together — stuff like that. The other members might even make cameos (YG talked to them on the phone when they were in NY, I’d be surprised if they didn’t video call TH at some point, and there’s always the possibility that vminkook filmed something together in Jeju).

It’ll probably also be a bit nostalgic for everyone who misses BV and ITS and might have some throwbacks to previous BTS vacations — which is perfect for FESTA month! I think with BTS being ia it would be smart to cater to ARMYs who are probably going to be especially emotional and missing BTS as well as remind those who have started to drift of that bond and partial OT7 dynamic that drew many in to begin with. I think this sort of content has been something ARMYs have been really deprived of so it’s definitely going to be a big deal imho. It’s the most CH1 like content we’re getting so far in CH2.

If they don’t release the show during June, I could still see them dropping the teasers/trailer during FESTA. That alone would bring a lot of excitement and hype and add to the festivities and would be a great time to advertise the show.

Also, Jikook described it as a gift, and FESTA is the perfect time for those so…

If they don’t release it for FESTA (or possibly just tease it) I still think it makes a lot of sense as a summer release for several reasons.

For one, the first part of the show was recorded right when JK released Seven. We know that JK is likely releasing more music this summer so that would actually tie in perfectly. One of my biggest desires for the show is to hear them talk a little bit about their thoughts and feelings on their solos careers (unrealistic I know lmao) but if they reference that at all, it ties even better into new music releases. Especially if they reference or talk about Seven right before JK releases another summer single (or album) around the same time period. It works really well for either of them tbh!

The first half of the show is also going to have summery vibes because of when it was recorded, so releasing during the summer is sort of fitting. This is also the sort of content I think we historically got around summer/fall?

So all of this suggests a possible timeline where we get both Jikook’s music and their show in the same possibly 2-3 month time period around the summer. Fri(end)s only had a two week gap between HOTS so we know they aren’t worried about spacing these projects too far from each other, however I would hope they’d have more sense then to have Jikook’s music overlap or be too close together 😭 I don’t think we could handle the akgae wars if that happened 😭

Anyways, we know for sure that JK is dropping something in the summer based on his comment during his live (he might just have been referencing the show, but I’m pretty sure most of us took it to mean music). But as far as Jimin, we don’t really have any hints about when his music is dropping that I’m aware of unfortunately? But I could see summer making a lot of sense actually!

I can’t remember the exact wording he used but I remember him telling ARMYs that his next release would be something lighter. And during his documentary screening he listed out all the things that he knows ARMYs would like to see from him. I think if he’s going for something lighter that caters more towards ARMYs interests and expectations summer would be a very smart and fitting month to release (and it depends on how he wants to market and promote it — are we going for charts with remixes, or is it going to be just one version no CDs kind of deal — because if it’s the prior, summer would fit better imo).

Anyways, we also do know Jimin filmed something at the hot springs… and I mean… water… wet… hot springs… (shirtless??)... I mean… that could be pretty summery actually right? 🥵

Still he could land in May or September (I don’t think it’s going to be as late as October but possibly. They could tie it into his birthday and if JK released in August it would still fit the travel show theory).

I think this theory also makes sense because the way they were talking in that live before enlistment they sort of made it sound like their content was to tide us over until Jin was back. Obviously there’s no way for the three remaining members to release their projects before Jin returns (nor would that even make a lot of sense to begin with) but if you think of it as them keeping us busy until Jin has time to prepare his album it works actually!

Jin is going to need time to prepare and record his album, MV, and whatever other promotional content he had in mind + probably rest a little. This gives him that time while keeping ARMYs busy, and you know this is just a nice big free gap of time to drop projects whereas when Jin is active (and then JH) it’ll be a bit busier and probably more complicated to organize.

It also would work because JH definitely has plans for when he gets out of the military, so by the time JN1 comes out and has been promoted (maybe he’ll even do a single first and then an album) JH will be back and have had some time to rest and probably prepare whatever he had in mind. Some people have speculated that he might do a mini tour which actually would fit perfectly but I’m not sure how much of a stretch that is. If anyone could do it though, it would be JH!

So yeah, enlisted members all releasing and finishing off their big projects pre-JN1 just makes sense as 2seok will then take over and have the attention on them. I could be wrong, but it kind of fits nicely in my mind lol.

The big question mark is Namjoon because honestly I thought he would be one of the first members to release with the way he was teasing something but now I have no clue. He also said that it was going to have different vibes than indigo iirc so I don't know if he would want to release in the fall/winter months again or if he would actually want to go for a summer release too. I still think the Jikook thing could work even if he releases in summer, it might just shift Jimin to releasing more in the fall.

Anyways, first few months of 2024 we were in Taehyung era, which led into HOTS era which will last until May, which leads into June FESTA and Jin’s return. JK will have an era in the summer, and if we slot minimoni into summer & early fall it would pretty much perfectly cover all of the empty time until JN1 which is followed by JH return and project. I just think it fits nicely.

That still leaves a lot of space in 2025 but I think that would be better for 2seok to cover, and if the JH tour rumors are true that would actually be perfect (please don’t make me wait until 2025 for Jimin 😫).

Like I know this timeline isn’t actually surprising or revolutionary because most people kind of expected all of this to drop in these months lmao because it’s not like there’s actually a ton of time left, but applying some sort of logic around it helped me I guess 😞 All the uncertainty makes it seem like I’m never going to see Jimin again (at least we know JK in the summer) and I need to gaslight myself into having some sort of expectations otherwise every day is too dark.

Hoping some of this is right but don't come @ me if it's not lol 🤡😩

[haircoveredwriter]

Episode 1X05 "Deux Amours" thoughts

(Warning: if I don't make sense in this post, I apologize. I've been trying to put this together for the past 20 mins but my brain has been fried by the episode it seems).

The fifth installment of the Daryl Dixon series is a GIANT - let me repeat this - G I A N T culminating expression of Daryl's fears/desires/drive to get home to Carol. If anyone was in doubt before they would have to be living in another dimension not to see it after "Deux Amours".

Starting with the conversations between Daryl and Azlan throughout the episode, Daryl's focus on getting home is clear. Our boy is still obsessed with finding a working radio for a specific call even in the flashbacks, but more on that later 😉. Azlan asks him about the promise he made which drives him on his journey to get back home, and Norman's acting of subtle reacting to the other man's points of (I'm paraphrasing) "sometimes a man's promise gets detoured around the realities of life" encompasses the tone of the entire show and the rest of the episode. "It's a home for the soul" If that isn't Caryl, I don't know what is.

When Laurent asks him about his friends there's an obvious pairing and splitting up of the groupings he chooses to answer with; Judith & RJ, Connie & Ezekiel, Carol. There are the kids, his friend ... and then " a woman named Carol". His pause and voice change upon saying her name warms my little shipper heart. If only Laurent hadn't jumped in so quick to continue the conversation. Look kid, the man was having a MOMENT! Read the room, sheesh. Lol.

I've haven't seen many bring this up but imo the young man at the gas depot during the flashback's was another huge planted plot point for Caryl. Daryl's whole thing has been how he needs to get home, and the kid is there "just trying to make it home to his girl". He promised he get enough gas to pick her up and take her away, the two of them together, out to California. Does that ring any bells to anyone???? NEW MEXICO IS STILL OUT THERE.

THAT radio call scene. Yes. Everything about it ... yes. I don't think I can do it justice trying to put it into words but @mcbride made a wonderful gifset of it for you to view or I know there are clips of the scene out there as well.

**Special recognition for the fact a lot of these Caryl callback scenes occurred by the river/while Daryl was in a make shift tent similar to the one at his s9 camp.**

Now we've reached the infamous Daryl/Laurent/the boat scene. I'm not going to get into a debate of whether he was wrong or right to go off on a kid like that; I'm going to deal solely with my perceived reasoning behind Daryl's actions. IMO finding the boat gone and subsequently that Laurent is the one who cut the rope was the straw that broke the camels back - so it were - for Daryl's emotions through the whole show about going home. Everything had been building up emotionally for Daryl until this point in the series; every past attempt to get home thwarted or delayed somehow, and having the person who he's supposed to be getting to The Nest where he will get what he's been after ... a way home ... blow things up in his face was too much to bear. The thought that maybe he may not actually get back to Carol overwhelming him and leading him to blow up at Laurent. I think the timing of this scene in the episode should also be taken into consideration, immediately after the radio call.

The groundwork has been laid out for Carol's reappearance in the season finale, whether that is in France or somewhere else that is still yet to be seen but all roads lead to Caryl.

[cherriah-writes]

@somerandomdudelmao I have a gift for you I guess you could think of it as a redraw? Technically? I just loved this scene and looking at Ward's expressions and wondering what he's thinking

Ward followed Sculptor down the hall, battling his sense of unease. It had been his constant companion for the entire time they were on that cursed ship, and his nerves were fried. He still hadn't gotten used to the feeling of being constantly watched. Still, he tried to keep from jumping at every sound. Sculptor had only been helpful so far, and none of the vague threats of being eaten had come to fruition, so he decided to trust the tall, green alien as much as he trusted anyone there. (Which, honestly wasn't much, but he figured it counted for something.)

Plus, he wasn't sure what the aliens considered to be the price of disobedience, and he didn't particularly want to find out.

"Where are we going?" Ward asked after a few moments of silence.

"To my workshop," Sculptor answered lightly. "I want to learn more about your species."

"Ah." That was probably why he'd asked which of the two humans was smarter - Ward guessed Oscar would probably just ramble about turtles or something. "Great? I think."

He came up to the workshop, which was incredibly dark. Something about it made his instincts scream louder - like they were shouting at him, Danger! Danger! Danger!

He swallowed. "Wow... It's... really dark in here..." Please turn on the lights, he thought. 

"My apologies. My crew doesn't need any light to see. We only use lamps in public places for health reasons."

Like that made any sense. "Okay..." he said slowly. "Cool place, not creepy at all." Danger! Danger! Danger!

"Thank you," Sculptor said, apparently oblivious to Ward's sarcasm. "Now, before I begin, I want to remind you that we're in the middle of open space."

The light coming in from the hallway only illuminated a strange black ring in the ceiling of the workshop. As Ward watched, a dozen spider-like, mechanical arms lowered themselves out of the circle, their hissing, shifting noise seeming to worm its way into his brain. 

Oh, no.

"If you decide to run away," Sculptor continued in the same passive lilt, "you'll have nowhere to go."

Ward's heart stopped in his chest. He stared up at Sculptor, whose face was still the same neutral expression, like he'd been discussing something normal instead of - whatever this was. 

When had his eye things started glowing?

All the sudden, from all sides, the mechanical arms were grabbing him. With a strange strength and fluidity, they wrapped around his limbs, torso, head--

He tried desperately to fight them, but they were all around him, and he couldn't even get them to budge. His heart was racing, adrenaline lending him useless strength. "Hey! What are you... wait! Can we talk about this? What are you-"

His words grew muffled as one of the arms wrapped around his head, holding his mouth shut. He tried to scream, to yell, to do anything, but nothing came out. The other arms slowly stifled his mobility, holding him perfectly still. He breathed heavily through his nose, heart beating so heavily against his chest he thought it might break out. Panic was setting in, and he was hopelessly, helplessly still.

"I'm going to cut you open and see what your insides have to offer," Sculptor said with a smile - the only time throughout this entire disaster that he'd shown any kind of emotion. Ward blanched. "Don't worry. You won't feel a thing."

Ward watched one mechanical arm with an alarmingly sharp tip get closer to his face, then flinched as he felt a stinging, sharp pain against his neck. He screamed, silent to everyone but himself. 

The wound on the side of his neck didn't hurt as much as it should have, he was pretty sure. Despite his racing thoughts, it was hard for him to think. Blood loss? No, it couldn't be, not yet-

He closed his eyes and curled in on himself as much as he could in a vain attempt to protect himself - which, frankly, wasn't much. He shied away as he felt the Sculptor reach up and drag his finger against the wound.

He felt dizzy, and his head was getting foggier and foggier. It felt like his brain was slowly getting smothered, and his heart rate slowed down. Then, it kept slowing down. It lost speed until he wasn't even aware of it anymore - not that he was aware of much, at that point.

"Delicious indeed," Sculptor said, sounding pleased with himself. Ward's head shot up again in inexpressible fear, and Sculptor's leering, glowing face seemed to be the only thing in the room.

The door to the hallway closed behind Sculptor's head, cutting off the outside light. The only thing that Ward could see was the eerie glow of the alien's not-eyes. He felt a single stab of hopelessness before, mercifully, his thoughts slowed to a stop and he dropped into unconsciousness.

[djmossback]

Spacebar 07/20/24

Third Space Saturday

The Tracks

2100 hrs

Brothers Johnson, Strawberry Letter 23 (12 Inch)

Grace Jones, I Need A Man (12 Inch)

Junie Morrison, Techno-Freqs (12 Inch)

Wire, Ahead (12 Inch)

KC and The Sunshine Band, I’m Your Boogie Man (LP cut)

Judas Priest, Metal Gods (LP cut)

George Clinton, Do Fries Go With That Shake (12 Inch)

One Way, Cutie Pie (12 Inch EP cut)

Beastie Boys, She’s Crafty (LP cut)

Booker T. & The MG’s, Hip Hug-Her (LP cut)

Average White Band, Pick Up The Pieces (LP cut)

Foreigner, Urgent (12 Inch)

ZZ Top, Cheap Sunglasses (LP cut) (2200 hrs)

Emotions, Best Of My Love (LP cut)

Michael Jackson, Rock With You (7 inch)

Sanford and Townsend Band, Smoke From A Distant Fire (LP cut)

Dazz Band, Let It Whip (7 inch)

Gap Band, Outstanding (LP cut)

Robert Palmer, You Are In My System (7 inch)

Roots Manuva, Again & Again (12 Inch)

Sade, Hang On To Your Love (12 Inch)

Dillinger, Cokane In My Brain (7 inch)

Simple Minds, Don’t You Forget About Me (12 Inch)

Vince Staples, Norf Norf (LP cut)

Flying Lizards, Money (That’s What I Want) (LP cut)

Dry Cleaning, Scratchcard Lanyard (7 inch)

Mary Jane Girls, In My House (12 Inch)

Donna Summer, I Feel Love (12 Inch)

Berlin, The Metro (7 inch)

DEVO, Snowball (7 inch)

Tilt, Arcade Funk (12 Inch)

Eddy Grant, Electric Avenue (LP cut)

Toni Basil, Mickey (7 inch)

The Clash, Rock The Casbah (7 inch)

Cheryl Lynn, Got To Be Real (7 inch)

Lakeside, Fantastic Voyage (LP cut)

Steve Miller Band, Abracadabra (7 inch)

Run DMC, Walk This Way (12 Inch)

Nazareth, RAZAMANAZ (LP cut)

Amyl & The Sniffers, Some Mutts (7 inch)

Kingsmen, Louie Louie (7 inch)

Kenny Rogers & The First Edition, Ruby (Don’t Take Your Love To Town) (7 inch)

Police, Roxanne (7 inch)

Go-Go’s, We Got The Beat (7 inch)

Bauhaus, Bela Lugosi’s Dead (12 Inch)

Madvillain, America’s Most Blunted (12 Inch)

Cameo, Word Up (12 Inch)

Skee-Lo, I Wish (12 Inch)

Pet Shop Boys, West End Girls (12 Inch)

Eiffel 65, Move Your Body (12 Inch)

Kylie Minogue, Can’t Get Blue Monday Out Of My Head (12 Inch)

J.J. Fad, Supersonic (12 Inch)

Ohio Players, Love Rollercoaster (12 Inch EP cut)

James Brown,I Got You (I Feel Good) (7 inch)

Del Tha Funky Homosapien, Mistadobalina (LP cut)

Kendrick Lamar, YAH (LP cut)

Leroy Sibbles Nicodemus, Rock Steady Party (12 Inch)

Barbara Lewis, Baby I’m Yours (LP cut)

0113 Finished

The scenery

TASTING NOTES

I spent the day not thinking about the set, preferring to head into Spacebar “cold” to see what developed. But, I had spent a fair amount of time since my last set combing through online lists and the singles section of the local Record Hut to find some fresh material. And, a lot of it found its way onto the decks and into the ears of the listeners at Third Space Saturday. I do love the format of the single. I’m not necessarily attached to the extended mixes; often I will play the LP cut included on the single, or the 7” mix if it is on there. I like the focus of the shorter versions, but sometimes the songs lend themselves to the stretched-out format. Just depends on the song, as always.

It is really hot in Boise – not just summer heat, but triple-digit temperatures every day for weeks on end. I got sweaty just loading the rig. When I got downtown, there was a huge event of some sort happening in Capitol Park, with several streets blocked, and I worried that I would have trouble finding a parking space. But I found a space really close, and rolled my gear into the elevator. Nothing worked. The door wouldn’t even close. I text Will, and am surprised when he appears at the elevator. We lug all my gear down the stairs, past the line going upstairs to the speakeasy. Evidently, the fire department had visited just before I got there, because the fog machine had tripped the fire alarm. Will is working the door, and I recognize absolutely none of the bar staff.

I’m later than I wanted to be, so after I set myself up, I hurriedly weigh my options. I usually start with a song that has kind of a fanfare intro, but tonight it seemed appropriate to ease into things, so I chose “Strawberry Letter 23” by the Brothers Johnson, a new 12” single I acquired last week. My first hour is a combination of 12” extended versions and LP cuts; going from Wire to KC and the Sunshine Band to Judas Priest to George Clinton sounded better in person than it looks on the page. The bar scene is ebbing and flowing as usual, but it’s summer, people are outside, or in the mountains, or hunkered down in the most air-conditioned spot they can find.

I put on a long Grace Jones single, and Will gives me a tour of the changes coming to the bar. The room that used to house the print shop is cleared out. It’s going to house more machines, and be a separate space within the space. The music will still be there, but there will be more options for people, and a better use of the space, which was not generating enough use before. It will be good to give people more places to hang, to be with their people. Our sound volume is lower, which I kind of like. It presents the music better, and makes things more comfortable.

My son shows up with a posse. He comes into the booth and greets me. I express my unease, how I feel like I’m aging out of such things as nightlife, and fun, but he is unconvinced. Says I’m fine. He heads out on the floor with his crew, and I lose track of him for a while. About a half-hour later he comes back up to say goodbye, introduces me to a friend, and they ask about the Grime record I played. Roots Manuva. They dig it. I told them I couldn’t see anyone reacting to the music one way or the other, aside from the kid who came up and scrolled through the new internet jukebox that’s on the wall by the bar. They assured me that people were vibing, even the youngsters. It was good to hear, and I noticed people moving to the beat after that.

After Sam leaves, I don’t see a single person I know come in for the rest of the night. I am ok with this. Not that I don’t love the support from people I know, but I’m also a realist. I know it would require great effort for me to be out downtown on a Saturday night, so I understand what it entails.

I’ve hardly played any 7” records, mostly concentrating on longer 12” mixes from my new acquisitions. It feels really good. I’m putting things together in the right places, there are very few technical gaffes from me, and I generally feel good about how I’ve put records together.

The Donna Summer 12” single “I Feel Love” is a record I’ve been looking for my entire adult life, and now it’s mine. The 8-minute version did not disappoint! The mechanized spine of the song, the repetitive bubbling riff, it was the first record I heard from her, and I instantly became a fan. The simplicity and directness appealed to me, as did the four-on-the-floor kick drum.

I put a different Nazareth track into the mix, RAZAMANAZ. (I don’t know, it just seems to work better in all caps.) I had it cued and ready to go, but I then reversed course, and instead of following it up with RUN-DMC (again with the all caps!) I switched the order, and played “Walk With Me” first. It worked. The Nazareth track is like Motorhead, with a “better” singer. I need to find a better copy of the record, though. It was kind of worn. So is the Bauhaus record I plucked from a dollar section a while ago. Even though it’s got an audible (and visible) scratch on it, it plays through, and the surface noise doesn’t detract – it kind of adds something to the sound of “Bela Lugosi’s Dead.” It’s kind of a gothic doppelganger to the Donna Summer record – repetitive, atmospheric, less busy and more organic. Music is amazing that way. Very disparate intentions coming through, and changing the way things sound. And you don’t stop/you go on and on/til the break of dawn.

The thing is, though, a lot of the old 7” records from the ’50s and ’60s still sound great, even with the wear. The record players they were made for were not like the Hi-Fi players for classical and pop records of the day, and by pop records, I mean things like Doris Day, Johnny Mathis and other adult music. I’m fascinated by how time takes language and meaning and metamorphosizes it to fit the needs of people, of audiences, of commerce. You don’t/can’t control it, but you can ride it, and see where it goes.

That is the essence of what I am trying to do: follow the through line, and paint pictures, express myself, play things that sound good to me, communicate a feeling and vibe to people. I didn’t put Amyl and the Sniffers next to the Kingsmen and follow it up with Kenny Rogers to be a clever show-off, I did it because I thought it would sound good, that they were all good records, and the juxtaposition would make a listener reconsider what those songs were about.

Or, they could just vibe to the beat.

I’m so happy I get to do this, and I’m glad to have the opportunity to contribute to Spacebar Arcade. I sometimes feel I should be doing more – get on the microphone and get the party started, as it were. It’s just not me. All I can do is show up until they tell me not to. It’s a tough business. It’s not complicated, but it is unpredictable. You can do everything right, and still fail. Luck is underestimated by our culture. Being in the right place, at the right time, doing something you love and believe in and being rewarded? It’s not a given. Trust this: it’s just business. Pivot. Change course. Listen. Be true to yourself.

Next Third Space Saturday for me is on September 21st, 2024. I’m taking August off for Holiday. Just like a European.

[callsign-rogueone]

It’s been way past 30 mins, but sending anyway just because I love you 💕

What’s your favorite thing about writing/what got you into writing?

-fw-gt

and this response is way past due lol oops

what got me into writing was my middle school friend introducing me to the strange new world of Dr. Who fanfiction. that was a very short-lived phase for me, since I wasn't really into the show, but the idea that I could write about other people's characters just... doing stuff was life changing. literally.

I've made so many friends through fic and fandom since then (love u all) and writing in already-developed worlds has really helped me with my composition skills! I'm very very slowly writing a fluffy but also deeply emotional romance novel on the side that we won't talk about (unless you ask, then I'll tell you everything. I'm actually in love with it, but it needs some spaghetti throwing and accuracy checks before it can go much further, hence why it's on the back burner lol)

my favorite thing about writing... I can't pick one, so here's two (you know how indecisive I am.)

I said this above but the community and the friends I've made!! the social aspect is definitely a big part of it for me. being able to talk about all this and play sandbox with y'all (see my last post lol) is so fun and has helped brighten each one of my days for the last six months (I started writing FW in January. that's wild to think about.) I'd been posting on this blog on and off with diff fandoms and random stuff for years, but nothing has stuck like fourth wing, and that's 1000% because of y'all. muah.

it's an outlet for me personally. this all started with Garrick and Angel, which I honestly didn't think would go anywhere. when I posted it, I told myself I would be happy if it got two likes, because I wrote it for myself -- Angel is me, just in a different universe. she's got chronic pain, anxiety, and a lot of the personality traits I have. and while I promise you I will never assign physical traits to the girls in my writing, since they're a reader insert, and I want all of us girls to be included and be able to "be" Angel, or Darling, etc., I'll admit that Angel is implied to be on the thicker side, since she's me, lmao. but I think it's still neutral enough, since gare is a giant, so he's bigger than any of us. love me a big boi. I want to feel small too, okay 🥺

anyway, the idea of having someone like Garrick be there for her through that all is helpful to me. it's a little escape from my current situation, a daydream of sorts, without pretending that I'm healthy or not in pain, but actually acknowledging that and making it part of the story, having Angel have a reason she's in pain all the time -- I say, as I'm laying here, answering asks because I can't sleep because of this mystery illness and the pain it's causing me right now lmao

similarly, and in a combo of both points: hearing from you guys that you feel seen in the girlfriends, or that my work cheers you up, that kind of stuff. seeing that y'all relate to the girls is heartbreaking sometimes, especially the ones that have been through the wringer (honestly, they've all been through the wringer, but you know what I mean -- the more anxious, insecure ones) but also it makes me feel like my thoughts are worth writing down and editing and posting, because people will see they're not alone, and can live that distant, "happy" scenario of a character they love helping them through things they're struggling with in real life.

-------------------------------------------------------

that's all I have for now, partially because my brain is fried, but also because if I keep talking about this I'll cry.

just know that I love and cherish each and every one of you, you're nor alone, and our boys love you all too. and the girls (I've been neglecting them lately. oops.) anyway, muah (goodnight kiss). go get some sleep, because I'm not going to anytime soon.

[canayams-art]

the immortality concept in tgcf is always interesting to think about, especially with the age range that the human mind cannot really comprehend... but maybe it's best for me not to think too much about it at midnight when i have uni early in the morning 😞😭 there are a lot of thoughts tho

you described the dynamic i had in mind for them perfectly!! mq's way of showing care by scolding and nagging and teasing that at time could come out as a touch too sharp. lqq's of being loud when defending and engaging into banter but keeping it light and not taking the teasing too close to heart unless it comes to his morality stands. they just weirdly compliment one another, especially with the way you said lqq takes the spotlight on the stage while mq is more "behind the curtain" type when dealing with things. you're so right, thinking about them makes me deranged as well

i do feel like the gods would be more vocal about the dislike towards mq when he was still a young god, and yeah especially those 33. while mq we see is well respected, and still very much disliked and distrusted, it is mq of 800+ years of presence in the heavenly court, and i do think many would be tight lipped around him regarding whatever his business are. but thinking about the backlash he would be facing during their earlier years/ centuries of friendship, i think they would be more vocal about it, if a bit sneaky with the way they would talk considering mq's temper with fx and general reputation that has been following him. 🤔 and well... there's also the broom throwing thing that has been going on apparently :'))

and he would definitely be on the bigger receiving end of it than lqq, especially considering their backgrounds and what the heaven considers "right". while lqq may be considered naive, he is still a noble that technically belongs in a way mq never could in their eyes.

but lqq still not standing by the bullying, even during the 'fight' is ekejjejejeej especially because i lqq knows that bullying is wrong no matter who's at the receiving end and, parallel to the mulian situation, there would be no shielding behind the higher authority to make it stop, just a very straightforward way to handle it. and i feel like mq, even if he is somewhat even struggling to admit he's miserable without lqq, would feel extremely touched knowing the way lqq would handle it 🥹🥹

no shade at mulian, literally my fave ship ever! i talk about them so much to my friends i feel like all of our brains are fried at this point lol they can fit so much angst and there are honestly dozens of ideas for fics that would likely never see the light of the day but we have the hope cuz we're all delusional 😔✊

just the parallels between them make me absolutely crazy, especially since i always kinda pictured mq as a type to get particularly adopted by the idealistic "sunshine type" people around him and get dragged around while he scowls and acts like he doesn't enjoy it, and then eventually ending up genuinely liking them, no matter how much they would clash at times with their ideologies. xl, sqx, i have an ongoing rants about mq and qyz friendship every other week. kinda pissed off that i didn't remember lqq until recently but it's never too late to start the brainrot anyway

i also went and checked the extras qianqing interaction, and it was actually mq seeing that lqq was in an awkward position being both the victim and the culprit and trying to send him back to heaven (it was the extra chapter where xl felt pain bcs of the guoshi mask he melted into a key?? i only searched for their names so again i have no idea/) but that was enough to have me covering my mouth and squealing

no at this point i will have to write *something* about qianqing, it would literally eat at me alive if i don't. life is busy and hard rn, but it will have to be done in this lifetime 😭

Mq has always given me the sense that he seeks out people with more emotional freedom than he feels he has. He spends so much of his time showing restraint and being distant that whenever I read sections of the book where Fu Yao makes an appearance, I see the way he lets his personality come out more. Maybe choosing the name “Fu Yao” was (among other reasons) mq’s way of literally saying he’s giving himself more freedom.

So like— it makes sense that mq has a pattern of associating with people who express themselves so freely— even if he sometimes takes shots at those people (mostly fx but also occasionally xl). Lqq is entirely unrestrained in a way that’s familiar but still unique. He’s one of the few gods who would step in or stand up for another without any ulterior motives— there’s nothing lqq would want to gain by standing up for mq in their early years. Whether he’s still angry with mq or not— it’s the right thing to do and that’s enough for him.

Meanwhile I feel like mq hates feeling like he’s once again being seen to hide behind another prince for protection. Mq likes to be in control of his circumstances— even if he could ask for help.

“I don’t need anyone fighting my battles.”

“No— but someone should have your back.”

Maybe that’s what it is about them actually? Lqq is so quick to jump up and declare injustice that mq thinks lqq would be trying to shield him when lqq is actually trying to advocate for his better treatment. Lqq learned the importance of unity and he practiced it well before ascending, so his type of support might be less about defending mq personally and more about shaming the gods for not setting a better example. Maybe he doesn’t even give mq the option to hide behind him.

(Related note, I can’t help thinking this type of tension would rise if lqq caught mq throwing a broom or snapping it in half— like ofc lqq is still mad but ofc he’s gonna try and connect the dots— maybe he even heard some of the gods laughing about their “gifts” to the young General.)

But okay now I’m thinking about the extra you mentioned and oooooooo

Mq confronting lqq in the mortal realm and failing to convince him to return to heaven. It’s a side of lqq mq has never seen. He’s not driven by a sense for justice anymore, now lqq wants revenge— maybe mq tells him that. Maybe it only angers lqq more. Either way, lqq doesn’t return.

(I actually have a similar scenario in my brain between lqq and newly-mortal pei xiu, which was actually the idea that got me started in qianxiu rarepair hell but that’s a separate space altogether LMAO)

Anyway—! If writing is too exhausting given life’s demands I am always happy to keep exploring these deranged (affectionate) scenarios. Life persists, but so does the brainrot!

[unohanadaydreams]

Realized I forgot to post the rest of my ramblings on the Mayuri vs Pernida fight from my manga re-read so here is some prime word salad about Mayuri, my beloved idiot.

This feels little too late. Like, Mayuri has really dropped the ball in this battle by disregarding his initial thought regarding the Soul King’s arm being a Quincy.

He should have known already that this ability to evolve involved absorption, something Quincy are notorious for. And what has been all over everything, that would allow this Quincy to absorb?

It feels comical, how much he’s neglected to think about his opponent. Like, I’m a dumb ass and I’ve cobbled together the answer.

Meat ball again, eh.

But see the difference in tone? With Zaraki, Mayuri was so elated to tell him the dangers. He was purely farcical about how dropping Zaraki made him feel.

With Nemu it’s different. We see, again, him lashing out and displaying his frustration with himself. But deflecting that frustration to Nemu. Nemu is the punching bag instead of himself. She is him, but better. Perfect. So she needs to shape up and act like it.

The genius of Nemu is that she evolved DESPITE Mayuri. He demands she does exactly as she’s told and he violently lashes out when she doesn’t. He steals her agency. (even when it's played for laughs his unrelenting closeness when she's a member of WA is really telling).

That isn’t how someone grows and he knows that perfectly well. But he won’t face the fact that he’s scared to lose her. So he pretends disobedience betrays weakness.

Nemu has been taught how to learn and observe and she is the reason Mayuri will live—because she saw Pernida for what he was. Like, despite Mayuri's treatment of her, she is able to understand what's going on before he does.

She's not suffering from delusions here. She's not grasping for something that isn't there. Pernida is a Quincy and Nemu isn't perfect. And Mayuri is fucking spiraling on the battlefield.

And here it is—he does not want to make another Nemu. Even if it goes against the very principles of trial and error, of the science he holds so dear. Of the concept of evolution itself. Mayuri doesn’t care if Nemu never gets any smarter or more powerful—he doesn’t give a shit if she’s a shinigami—he just wants her to live. And he refuses to engage with that. He will never admit it.

He cares SO MUCH about her and what she represents that the prospect of having to start over again and fail again is crushing. He can not STAND having this much emotional attachment toward something. It's not irrational in a fun way, its irrational in a way that betrays his values.

He loves a living, breathing person enough to betray the values he's built his entire life & pride & fulfillment on.

Also really love the blocking of this--he is literally refusing to face Nemu.

Doubt. So much doubt. She's switching up her answer on why she interfered to be more agreeable to Mayuri. She is molding her answer to what Mayuri needs to hear and not the truth.

She already said he needed a shield but now she’s walked it back and actually, she was just trying to get him what he needed to continue the fight on his own.

Nemu isn't lying but she isn't telling the truth. She's just being what Mayuri wants her to be. Which is someone who protects him.

Uuuuh like father like daughter, you fucking shit. But also I think this is Mayuri's way of changing the subject and diffusing the situation. Of course his idea of diffusing is to put her down, but we can't expect anything emotionally mature from a man who has a melt down every time he approaches the thought that he loves Nemu on a human level.

Oh so when Pernida sounds like Kenpachi, he starts to catch what’s going on????? But he hasn’t caught on to the constant mirroring of his own fucking mannerisms????

He's fried his own brain with the elation of discovery and the intoxication of his own ego. I can't think of any other reason why he's been SO slow to catch on to what's going on.

I fully understand what was being attempted with this battle. At once it's supposed to connect Pernida & Nemu as being of rapid evolution while also taking Mayuri down a notch in terms of his intellect ala his battle with Szayel. His "perfect" invention destroyed by a more "perfect" being of evolution. His fall to hubris and self delusion. His perfect tragedy.

But it just kind of feels kind of unbelievable how fully he's misunderstood Pernida. I know he feels like he knows most if not everything about Quincy at the start of Bleach, but you think he would carry the lesson of being defeated by Uryu and go 'there's probably something here I need to look out for'

BUT HE HASN'T EVEN GOTTEN TO THE WHOLE PERNIDA IS A QUINCY THING.

You would just think he would catch on even a teenie weenie bit sooner.

I wonder what Mayuri’s zanpakuto looked like before. I imagine probably older looking, which doesn’t fit with Mayuri’s theme of control and always knowing more. Nothing better than a baby who can do nothing but fucking scream and vomit poison.

But also, I really, really like how they're pointing out all the ways that the technology that made Nemu was appropriated for other projects. Not only does it show the passion that went into the Nemuri project but also that they were finding any way possible to CONTINUE that project. Yes number 4 & 5 were failures, but they deserve to have and need more funding because they can regrow brains and skulls and alter zanpakuto. They were doing anything and everything with the research so they could keep it going. Which, considering the amount of abandoned or axed lines of research we hear about, feels meaningful.

And with this time line, I wonder if Senjumaru really was captain for a short while before Mayuri took over. It would make a lot of sense, as I can’t imagine they left 12th division without a captain from the time Urahara left to Mayuri taking up the same double helm. Personally counting this as a headcanon that can be solidified as may-as-well-be canon. They snark at each other for a reason <3

Akon gives his take, but to me the answer is simple and also embarrassing for Mayuri so he would never ever say it.

He starts calling her Nemu because he doesn’t plan to make another Nemuri. He no longer considers her no.7 but simply THE Nemu.

As I was saying above, he doesn’t want to make another one—he’s very insulted at the idea that he would need to. He’s scared of trying and failing again because the experiment and by extension her existence mean so much to him now. This is the technology that gave him captaincy, purpose, and fulfillment. This was his greatest wish. I’m willing to bet this is part of what landed him in the Maggot’s Nest before Urahara hoisted him into a position of power.

Of course, he never displays these feelings how you traditionally would. Instead he treats her as weak and over reliant and is hyper sensitive when she worries for her own life—because those are his feelings regarding her and if there’s one thing he’s going to do, it’s project!

Mayuri needs someone to protect him from himself at this point. He has blinded himself to how Nemu is still no.7. There were Nemuris before her and there will probably be more after her.

She grows despite Mayuri’s attempts to stall her—to keep her alive at all costs isn't what he's meant to do and she knows that. She's meant to evolve or die trying. But more than that, she has read between the lines and understands fully that just like Jizo, her goal is to protect Mayuri. He is his own worst enemy and right now she's protecting him from his refusal to see Pernida for what it is—something he’s studied tirelessly, much as he bragged to Uryu.

She loves Mayuri and wants to make him proud. She wants him to see that she’s grown and that she has become all the things he wanted of her. First and foremost, a shinigami. And shinigami battle. And they die.

And when you fall asleep, you have to wake up. Her name is Nemuri.

I love her. She is much more human than Mayuri may ever be.

[trailjunctionarea52]

In my experience, friendships have been a revolving door of hit or miss. Sometimes, I thought someone was my friend when, in reality, they were acquaintances at best. I can't even start to count the number of people I have been there for, but when I needed somebody to listen, they wouldn't even consider it. So, over the years, I have learned to un-doormat myself, and once I see the red flags—which I recognize much sooner these days—I disengage quickly from them.

But every once in a while, when I least expect it, sequences of events lead to meeting people who somehow become part of my life on some level; for me, the most important one is friendship. The best thing about friendships is that there are no obligations besides being a good person; that's it! For my life right now, I don't have any room or energy for a romantic relationship with anyone; I don't have the time or patience to take on the emotional load of a partner, and I think that's good to know about myself. But friendships are entirely on the board of pieces I need in this game of life.

Last night my friend Anthony invited me over to his house for dinner, and I have to say it fucking SLAPPED! It's been six months of eating like a peasant, healthy(mostly), cheap, and usually out of a pouch like the hikertrash I am—nothing fancy! So I was stoked to be invited to break bread with him and his wife Rue, who are both great company! Is there a kinder gesture than a friend inviting me into their home to break bread? I don't think so! I can say without a doubt that they are friends of mine! Pretty rad!

And since I was on that end of Bishop, I decided to stay at the Buttermilks last night. It was windier and much cooler than the volcanic tablelands down below, which was a nice change of pace. It also meant it was easier to code brown because I had more privacy and options—TMI? Maybe, but that's my reality.

Ok, hard switch of topics: onto, you guessed it! Hiking! Wow, big surprise! Mono brain as fuck, right?!? Back in June, I had a great time with my friend Ducky when we hiked the TRT, but due to the elevation, he had difficulty breathing, and I was very sympathetic to that fact. But regardless, we made the best of it and still had a great time! That said, I have a hard-on for that trail and fully intend to hike it in my fashion, which is big and fast miles! I have unfinished business there, so I've bumped Big Seki out of the mix to prioritize the TRT, my kid's birthdays, and pacing Anthony at his Hundo next month.

My last day of work is the 14th, and I plan on starting the TRT on the 17th, which is only eight days away. And hopefully, this Davis fire near Reno slows the fuck down because, last I read, the fire is creeping up towards Mount Rose, which would fuck up my plans. That's something out of my control, so I'm not going to worry about it besides hoping my family and others in that area aren't hurt. And I'm not too fond of talking about my injuries because my body typically heals very quickly. Still, my left knee has eight days to recover fully, and I'm convinced it will, but holy fuck, it's living rent-free in my head, which is something I have to work through mentally—I'm not prone to injuries, so this is something new to me.

I looked at shuttle prices, and it is much cheaper to book a shuttle to South Lake Tahoe than Tahoe City. Even though Tahoe City would be more convenient—because the trail starts in town—I will choose the cheaper option. And best believe me when I say I'm getting a room afterward for at least a night because it's been over a month since I've last showered and slept in an actual bed—holy fuck, I can't fucking wait! And after I'm done crushing that trail, I'm treating myself to a big green leafy salad and a basket of fries with a side of ranch! These are things I fantasize about! Kinky shit!

Anyways I'm done…

But I would like to end this by saying I love this life, even the painful parts, and I'm happy to be here living it the best I can!

[coloursflyaway]

Hiii 🪶🦉 Ohh yea haha thank goodness for the gifs around! I never got into aew. Probably cause I don't really have access to it where I live. Also I got back into wwe only last year anyway so.. 😅

I've never heard of sunshine and silence, I'll have to look it up 🤔 😂 Oh gosh don't even get me started on LotR...the number of times I've watched it! And will continue to watch it 😂😅

Honestly movies these days don't impress me that much. I guess I'd rather live in my world of nostalgia. The movies I prefer are mostly action, or comedy, or thrillers, or mysteries (don't mind a romcom now and then but not too often tbh and it has to be goood). I love the mysteries the most I guess. But you'll be able to get me to watch most things if it has a happy ending 😆 I'm not so keen on overly emotional dramas or sad movies. I think there's enough sadness in this world that I don't want to see it on my screen too 😂

I can't think of any good movies rn 😑 my brain is a bit fried atm. But the last one I just saw was Sherlock Holmes (Robert Downey jr)

You currently watching any tv shows?

PS. Thank you for putting me on your imaginary writing list 😂♥️ I appreciate it

Absolutely! I'm in awe of anyone who makes gifsets, I tried my hand at it a few times, but I am not gifted in that department 😂 AEW isn't available where I live either, nor where I used to live, so I get you! And I got into wrestling for the first time just before the pandemic hit, so you're in good company

God, I know what you mean about LotR! I must have watched it a dozen times at least, and I still enjoy every second of every movie. Just don't get old at all ♥️

Yeah, I know what you mean, I still rewatch old 80s movies my parents showed me all the time, because I love them so much. And it seems like we have a pretty similar taste in movies then, especially when it comes to rom coms, those have to be very very good for me to consider caring 😅 I do love a good, sad movie though, so if that's not your cup of tea, maybe steer clear of Silence, that one is depressing as hell. Incredible, though ♥️

When it comes to tv, I just watched Dead Boy Detectives, and I loved that one! I adore anything Neil Gaiman has ever done, tbh. And I am blaming you for this (in the nicest way possible, of course!), but I actually started to write a bit of fic for it! 😆

[shutupnsing]

ENOUGH!!

Okay! All Right! E-frigging-Nuff with the ignorant, ill-advised, chock-full-of-bunk tutorials on “Singing With Distortion”, “Warm Up Exercises For Heavy Metal Vocals”, Singing With Compression Like __________” and so on. If you are serious about developing your singing voice as a tool to bring joy into the world AND wish to do this for the duration of your adult life, DO NOT follow the path of these knuckle-brained quasi vocal experts by parroting the disgusting noises they claim will allow you to sing/grunt/scream aggressive music just like this or that recording artist. You would be better off spending equal time hitting yourself in the forehead with a wooden ruler to a metronome set to 72 BPM.

For a start, almost every tutorial of this nature seems to draw from the same script—“Hey guys, welcome to ’Sing Better Than Anyone In The History Of Singing” where even YOU can learn how to do this—“ whereupon the imbecile of the moment lets loose upon the world a raspy, fried, nasal, guttural screech and then smiles as if he/she has just out-farted a bull elephant. Most of these clowns add a brag to the effect of “My method is the shit because just listen to me sing!” And then they sing—and anyone but Helen Keller must instantly realize that the sounds they are making are unlike anything a real producer in the big boy music world would want anywhere near a live microphone.

There are myriad ways in which to express emotion as a vocalist. But emotion is a matter of the moment, and not something that is plotted, planned or practiced. What IS practiced is developing your vocal ability to the high level at which you gain the ability to express true emotion in performance on demand, AND to be able to do this repeatedly night after night. 

Years ago when I was traveling and gigging about 200 days a year, we occasionally found ourselves between shows at state and county fairs. My favorite was always the Minnesota State Fair. It was big. It had fried cheese curds. And best of all, it had a guy in a tent that sat on a stool and stuck steel needles through his hands, arms, ears, tongue and any other appendages that couldn’t get away from him. Once you caught the act, you couldn’t look away. It was a wonder, how he could do that shit day after day for the run of the fair. But did he have talent? Or was he stoned, high or drunk and just said “Well fuck it. It’s money and I can pull this off as long as I don’t spring a leak." Yes, it is possible to harm yourself for the entertainment of the masses. Ask any NFL lineman. But should you? Doing harm to your instrument for the entertainment of the masses is like burning your furniture to stay warm. Eventually you'll run out of fuel.

A singer’s instrument is his/her body and needs to be taken care of and not abused. Practicing these spurious quasi exercises puts the voice into a position akin to Pete Townsend’s guitar at the end of a WHO concert. But in Townsend’s case, the guitar is external and has no choice in the matter. The smashed up guitar is a vehicle through which Townsend expresses whatever emotions lead him to the point of destruction. And the more refined point can be made that he can’t smash up the same guitar night after night. 

You have but one voice to give to the world. Learn how to use it well. Learn how to make it last. Don’t take these morons seriously. Vocal fry, blasting air to set the false chord into distortion, screaming—these things are DAMAGING. PERIOD. If they find their way into your performance and becomes part of your act, fair enough. Let your emotions of the moment lead the way. But practicing and drilling detrimental technique will have a price. You won't get better at it. You'll just get used to the pain and tell yourself it's okay because youtube can't possibly be wrong.

Watch these vids for entertainment. Make some popcorn, have a laugh. But DON’T think that you can make those noises and have a positive outcome. Enjoy the entertainment, set the metronome to 72 BPM and grab a wooden ruler. A few minutes of head-slapping fun and most sentient beings will come to their senses.

[star-ver]

im coming down from a weak and lame high and my period started so im all emotional and i just gotta get all my emotion out while i can feel it at all.

TW VENT

i am so lonely. my boyfriend and i dont communicate well at all but we just got together and i shouldnt have accepted but i did so i feel too bad to break up with him. i dont love him. i like him as a friend, but nothing more. the only reason i really hung out with him anyway was a mutual friend and the fact that i felt skinnier around him. my best friend at school spends tons of time talking with him and theyre each others best friends. i want romance so bad. i want the feeling that not allowed makes me feel. i want to be understood and loved and i want to cry into someones shoulder and have them stroke my hair and tell me its not my fault my life is falling apart and that its okay to need a break. i cant be vulnerable to either of my parents and im not close enough with any of my friends to be open about my life with them. even my art teacher, the person i would probably be most comfortable talking about this with, is a mandatory reporter so i cant tell him about half of my problems. maybe i should just have him ask my parents to admit me. i might fare better in the loonhouse, honestly. i have nobody.

half of my life is crumbling, my and my mom's housemate who we depend on for half of rent has terminal cancer. in 2-3 months we're going to have to find a room mate or we wont be able to make rent for the last 6 months of the lease. after those 6 months well almost certainly have to move somewhere. i stay with my mom half time. i really want to live with my dad full time but i cant exactly tell my mother who is already convinced everyone wants to leave her that i want to leave her too. she has hurt me so much. she deadnames me every time i see her. she gave me this disorder and probably more im too numb to realize im losing to.

i get high so often just to cope with all this that im almost out and i barely get high at all anymore. i genuinely dont know what ill do. i wont make it through a month long t-break. i need to get more or find a different coping mechanism. i cant quit. i wont be open about my age here but i am definitely too young to be smoking pot and far far too young to be dependent on it. god i wish i could be a normal teenager. my memory is completely fried and i cant even remember what i was doing 2 hours ago 90% of the time. its my reputation at school, laid back forgetful stoner kid. its a cry for help is what it is, that i cant get through even 4 days without having to drown my problems in drugs. i wish my friends would notice instead of thinking im funny. im really fucking struggling. i tried alc a few days ago and i know its only a matter of time before i get addicted to that too.

both my households are broke. my dad has a good job and hes still more broke than normal. my mom put all our money into govt bonds, then our housemate got injured at work and had to stay home. he never healed because shocker, he has cancer. he probably wont live past february.

im so fucking bad at being ano. i binge almost every time i smoke from munchies and impaired decision making. i barely lose any weight because of it. ill restrict all day then i smoke to settle down and i eat everything and then wake up with my progress ruined feeling gross. the worst part is that i forced myself into this as punishment for being fat. i didnt develop it. something in my crazy ass brain decided to indulge in my self hatred and just opt for dying over self love and healthy weight loss. worst yet is that i forced myself into it and i cant even stick to it. im a fucking failure. i cant love myself and i cant fix myself. im just doomed to hate my current form that i cant shake because i cant restrict low enough for change. i want to sew my lips shut and live in my room living off of vape and black coffee like the good obedient people in thinspi. they have discipline. theyre skinny. theyre loved. theyre worshipped. they have everything i want. i try so hard to be good. i try so hard. most of my day is spent thinking about my weight and calories and how much i burn walking around vs sitting down. im gonna be home for 2 weeks in a few days and i am not going to lose any weight the whole time because i have no discipline and ill be home all day.

a few days ago in math class i got so fed up i took a pencil and scratched my skin until it was a bright red scrape. i was clean for like 6 months. and now i want to do it more, as a punishment. i want to be visually sick. i want people to look at me and want to help me, ask me if im doing okay, offer me a granola bar because i look faint. i want to look as sick as i feel. i feel pressured to sh because its the only way to show how fucked up i am on the inside. its another cry for help. its just another example of me wanting to sit in between recovery and death.

and lastly, i forgot my phone at my dads house and we never went to get it. this is how i felt all of 2020 when my phone got taken away because i was too tired and depressed to get any work done. its fucking terrible. now its almost 6 in the morning and i have to be up by 10am to get it, fuck fuck fuck. whatever. im about to fall asleep. thats enough girlblogging. goodnight/morning tumblr.