#but for real... I've read half the book already and i just got it from the library today

[quarklynx]

I read 500 pages today. Five hundred.

What is wrong with me, why do I do this. Why can't I just enjoy books at a normal pace?

[shijiujun]

A Summary: The Spirealm | 致命游戏 (Kaleidoscope of Death 死亡万花筒 Live Action) & Why You Should (Eventually) Watch It

Talk about the most short-lived drama release ever, not even totalling two hours if I recall. Creating this summary as I've seen a handful of confused friends, so here it goes!

It's going to be a long review because I sped through all 78 episodes and only properly watched the first two doors, but I got you. You'll get both the brief book rundown and the drama parts!

If you just wanna see the bromance (LOVE) parts please skip to section 4!!!!

1. Overview

Title: The Spirealm (kinda awful I'm sorry it's a mouthful) or 致命游戏 which means fatal game

Adapted From: Danmei (BL) Kaleidoscope of Death by Xi Zixu

Novel Prints: There are GORGEOUS Thai, Vietnamese, Simplified and Traditional Chinese versions printed, AND Singapore publisher Rosmei has signed the license for the ENGLISH version, probably going on sale this year (preview is here). You can still access fan translations by Taida on I think wordpress and someone else on Tumblr sorry bad memory (they did half and half each) if you'd like to read it for context. It is one of my FAVE danmeis EVER and I am a die-hard OG book fan, check out my full danmei review here.

Total Episodes: 78 (20 minutes each with the exception of last episode which 10 minutes, with several BTS not that I think we will get to see all of them yet)

Where to Watch (LOL): Erm considering that iQIYI China AND International took the episodes down, there is no legal way to watch this, BUT thanks to some cnetz with super fast and great wifi, we managed to get ripped HD versions without subs. iQIYI is very hard on copyright though, they've taken down several subbed and unsubbed versions already on YouTube, but you should type the titles of show into Twitter and the top tags will tell you where to access the raws and very little subbed episodes, that may also be taken down at any point. I have the Chinese raws but as it's hosted on a cloud, I had to pay to access it.

Main Characters: Lin Qiushi & Ruan Nanzhu/Ruan Baijie (in the novel) and Ling Jiushi & Ruan Nanzhu/Ruan Baijie (in the drama)

Produced By: iQIYI so for SURE they won't film it fully BL even if the original is, but I've seen enough bromance cuts

Main Actors: Xia Zhiguang (Ruan Nanzhu/Ruan Baijie) + Huang Junjie (Ling Jiushi)

2. Summary

Book (drama follows closely if not removing the supernatural premises): Lin Qiushi, a designer, opens the door to his home one day from inside and sees 12 iron doors outside. Confused, he opens one of them and arrives at a snow covered village in the mid of winter, and meets Ruan Baijie, who's a pretty, unusually tall and whiny/timid woman. They realise that they're in a horrifying door game, and they'll have to find a door and a key to get out, while battling a long-haired, human-eating deity. They, along with a few others, have to survive day after day until they get out, and on the first night, two people have died in gory ways. Ruan Baijie and Lin Qiushi partner each other, and despite seemingly timid and crying all the time, she saves Lin Qiushi a few times mysteriously, and Lin Qiushi finds himself trusting in Ruan Baijie.

They get through the door together and when they leave successfully, Lin Qiushi realizes that the people who died in the door will die in real life by some freak accident too - car accidents, forced suicides, a robbery gone wrong, a lift trapped in the air and going ablaze, and more. That night, Lin Qiushi wakes up to see a super handsome and tall Ruan Nanzhu at his bedside and this man feels familiar to him, but he can't put a finger on it. All he can think of when Ruan Nanzhu says his name is Ruan Baijie (ahem he would later find out who it is of course). Ruan Nanzhu takes him to his mansion in the suburbs where he meets a group of other people just like them, who're forced to go through the doors for survival. Ruan Nanzhu then invites him to join Obsidian, his organization.

Through various doors, Lin Qiushi grows and supports a super intelligent and powerful Ruan Nanzhu, falls in love with him, gets through many many scary doors with him and some of their other team members, makes friends, loses them to the cruelty of the doors as they ponder over what the door means, and what being alive/dying means.

And at the end of it, at the end of of it all, when they're all good and living their life, Lin Qiushi also finds out what Ruan Nanzhu's secret is, and the lengths to which Ruan Nanzhu went to, just to be with him.

Drama: Ling Jiushi is a VR game designer who gets pulled into a game, and he meets Ruan Baijie (in his male form) right off the bat (SO NOT CROSSDRESSING I AM SAD). All the parts are actually the same as the novel, albeit with the game setting and Ling Jiushi and Ruan Nanzhu's identity adjustments to suit the game premise. Most of the other doors and their lines are the same, just that the ending is a bit more confusing than it could be. There's a big bad as well and they actually show the opposing organizations when in the novel, these other organizations aside from Obsidian didn't even actually have a face or goal to them.

3. Characters

^ Them in the book (based on manhua that never got to go live LOL) (RNZ/RBJ left, LQS right)

^ Them in the show (LJS left, RNZ right)

Ruan Nanzhu/Ruan Baijie: MY HANDSOME CROSSDRESSING INTELLIGENT ALOOF BUT WHINY (WHEN IT COMES TO LIN QIUSHI) SASSY BOSS!!!! He's super mysterious and super thick-skinned too, and all he wants is Lin Qiushi's attention the moment he meets him. He's intrigued by Lin Qiushi's calm and his brains and the way he handles things, and has a lot of trust for him right from the get-go. This is also shown in the drama itself. As the leader of Obsidian, he cares a lot for his team members and his friends even if he doesn't show it most of the time, and the last thing he wants to do is lose Lin Qiushi, and he would do ANYTHING for Lin Qiushi, ANYTHING!!! Just look at him whining:

Ling Jiushi (Lin Qiushi): In the novel he's super calm, has quite a lot of brains, a little bit of a blur in the beginning but he's super smart as well. Worries a lot for Ruan Nanzhu and is also a loyal friend to some of his only friends, and feels a lot when he loses them. Falls gradually in love with Ruan Nanzhu in the novel, like they just belong together. In this drama, Ling Jiushi holds that same trust for Ruan Nanzhu, but in demeanour he seems a bit more like a klutz and and not as cool as he was in the novel, but I guess it's acceptable. Literally like the only thing he loves more than RNZ (maybe) is his cat Chestnut LOL and RNZ is NOT really happy about that but Chestnut LOVES RNZ

Yixie and Qianli: CUTEST TWINS ;-; WHO TREAT RNZ and LQS as their big brothers LOOK AT THEM BOWING AND RNZ/LJS like parents LMAO

A handful of other characters who will keep turning up and get your hearts ;-;

4. ALL FAVE BROMANCE MOMENTS + TROPES

THEY TOUCH EACH OTHER A LOT LIKE HOLDING HANDS AND TOUCHING FACES, PIGGY BACKING?!?! DID I MENTION FACE TOUCHING

WHUMP WHUMP WHUMP WHUMP THEY HELP EACH OTHER WHEN HURT OR GET HURT FOR EACH OTHER

AND WHEN THEY WAKE UP IN BED THE OTHER IS AT THEIR BEDSIDE

AND DID I MENTION HE FEEDS HIM IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE

AND THAT THEY DATED UNDER THE FIREWORKS LIKE THE NOVEL DOES NOT EVEN HAVE THIS SHIT

AND THE KABEDONS

AND FINALLY RUAN NANZHU RIZZ OMG

5. Settings

They REALLY OUTDID THEMSELVES. THIS JUST FROM DOORS 1-6:

THEY LOOK EXACTLY LIKE THE NOVEL DESCRIBED!!!!

6. Overall Thoughts

PROS: This was NOT a cheap production, I'm telling you, they followed the cases very well and there're a lot of super recognisable lines, if not ALL of them, even if they changed the cases a little. I think they did it because in the novel originally, the author DOES leave a lot of details hanging like someone dies and you know he had a background and there are some shady things happening but the author NEVER actually goes into detail. So the drama did their best to cover these loopholes, even if it felt a little awkward at times. Money went into settings and attires and every damn thing, this looks EXPENSIVE. And if you've ever imagined each door and the bosses inside in your head, you might have felt chills go down your spine because damn did they really colour the book's settings for me (despite its differences). DID I MENTION that Xia Zhiguang really got the damn memo and he was a passable Ruan Nanzhu/Ruan Baijie who knew how to turn on his BL eyes. PLUS they really did some of the character deaths really well - they're technically some of the biggest parts of this story so ;-; (not two main of course)

CONS (maybe): They did away with the supernatural/horror premise and replaced it with a GAME premise, which means that there's a scientific element to it and the try to explain away stuff with the game, including the ending. I don't 100% get the ending, but the feel/vibe is about the same. Might not be for hardcore reader fans tho! They skipped out on a couple of doors, some of which were my faves, but it's fine, it's long enough LOL. They give away/explain some of the clues and surprises super early which means you don't get that added boom at the back as well. Despite that, I have to say they tried to round up the loopholes from the book as much as they could and give it an explanation while tying elements/conspiracies across doors (probably also to save cast fees LOL). And as always it's not a solid ending, it's an open confusing one, and even more confusing than the book itself because THERE IS NO CERTAIN HAPPILY EVER AFTER WITH HUBBY for it (there is in the book tho, they live together happily every after). Secondl,y, I'd say HJJ's acting is a bit stiff and OOC compared to the novel, but Xia Zhiguang really made up for it.

-------

HOPE THIS HELPS YOU GUYS!!! But I guess if you need subs it's going to be a long LONGGGG ride, considering that iQIYI doesn't seem to be going to be able to put it up anytime soon CRIES.

[readbyred]

may i request how the dps boys would react to realising they have a severe crush on a, preferably shy, reader! tysm <\3

Oh, I've been waiting for dps requests! Sorry for my late replies everybody, I got demotivated again because tumblr deleted a few of my x reader posts (and a few others). But I'll try to not let that happen again if I can even help it

I think Knox would have such a silly time trying to approach you. Because we all know he’s awkward, but determined at best and, well… pushy at worst. I'm trying to go with the version I saw in a play, because thankfully they cut out the party scene which means he’s still delightfully insufferable but not awful. Anyways, he would jump on every occasion to talk to you. And then just. Stand there. He’d try to give you flowers and poems, everything really. But he loses brain cells every time he’s around you. At least you’re both equally stressed about social interactions. He gets a little braver when you give him a smile or any other sign you like him. Not less awkward, but a bit more motivated to go for it. His main problem is that he can't read you well and despite being big on feelings and all, he still has a hard time actually talking to you. Clumsily, he showers you with over the top things, that most would find cringey but you think of as endearing. And if he thinks there's a chance he’ll lose you, he’ll confess right away. I think he is brave and pretty open about feelings. Just stressed out

With Neil, it's not an issue at all that you're shy. He’s more so taken aback by his own strong feelings. Because he wasn't expecting to fall this hard. But give him like five work days to process and he’ll be all in. I feel like he would take his time to confess but he’d make it known that he cares about you. He’d be checking up on you every time he can, bringing you coffee, asking to practice lines together, go to the movies in town. Even before you two start dating you just wake up and half of his sweatshirts are in your drawer (he likes to borrow you his clothes if you’re cold) and your desk is littered with poems he shared with you. He’s a gentle lover, but he knows what he wants and when the time is right Neil has no problem confessing

It's much funnier with Cameron because this boy is in panic mode 24/7. At first he legit thought he was sick because he always felt dizzy and distracted around you. And he’s a traditionalist. Everything has to be perfect when you’re around. Like he beats himself up about every little mistake he made around you. But also makes a point to treat you RIGHT. If you’re shy he might not know how to approach you at first, because he’s not sure if you’re even interested. And how to make you like him. After much teasing (mainly from Charlie, of course) he gets fed up with his friends and decides to make a move. It might not be the most romantic when he does, but it's sweet and genuine

Another one that would take time to confess is Meeks. He’s pretty quick to accept that he’s crushing on you. He’s like, yeah obviously they are amazing, now what do I do with that? He tries to give you things. Small things. Like maybe he could borrow you a book that you’ve wanted to read for a long time of buy you a coffee/tea if you’re out in the town. He doesn't explicitly say that he liked you but it's easy to tell and he’s not one to be shy about it either. So when you guys do get together, you already know his more… romantic side

On the contrary, Charlie takes time to process his feelings. He had crushes before, but real feelings (strong ones at that) aren't the norm for him. Sometimes he catches himself losing his cool around you and it messes with him so bad. He would probably ask Knox for advice. Which is a bad move. But he figures that at least his friend is more familiar with having those sorts of feelings. Nothing much comes of it because I can't imagine Knox giving him any good advice on the subject, but after he was able to talk about liking you, he decides to just go for it. Well, in small steps. Primarily because he’s just not an intense guy, but also because he’s surprisingly mature when it comes to respecting your levels of comfort. Doesn't mean it gets boring though, it's Charlie we’re talking about. Once you get together there's not a one dull moment with him by your side

With Todd, it might be difficult at first. He’s overwhelmed by fis feelings and has a tendency to talk himself out of making any sorts of moves. Why would you like somebody like him? He tells himself he doesn't have a chance, surely. It only confirms his suspicions when you don't take initiative. It's only after he’s been moping around for a few days that Neil approaches him about it and proceeds to give him shit for not doing anything to let you know his feelings. He’s like, bro, so you care about them so much that you’d rather not have them in your life because you want them in your life so much??? Make it make sense. So with Neil's encouragement, he tries to at least talk to you and see where it goes from there. Still shocked when you end up returning his feelings. You’re in his poems now, even if it's not very obvious (he's not as straightforward as Knox, so it's not ‘i love (yn) and I want them to be mine’ kind of deal). This is the only one where I'm sure you might have to make some sort of a move. Todd’s like a spider - he’s more scared than you are and if he could, he would just silently hang out in the corner of the room you’re in. But he gets a little braver after he starts feeling more secure

Lastly, Pitts is not as bad as Todd, but still takes his time. He’s comfortable with liking you and he knows what he likes, but he’s not in any rush to make things official. So any time he has any chance to talk to you, he does and just wants to see how things go from there. He jokes around with you, asks to come study together, tries to be close. He does care, just in a more chill way than some of the other poets would. If you two have been talking for some time, he would have no problem asking you to go out with him, doesn't make you feel pressured or anything. If the others are cool with it he will do his best to have you come to their meetings at night as well. So you do not only get an awesome boyfriend out of it, but also a great friend group

[chuusposts]

the reason i live is to die with you

summary: xiao, kazuha, albedo, aether with a suicidal! reader (aka dazai)

warnings: minor angst(?), mention of suicide, double suicide, suicide thoughts, suicide attempts (everything that's related to suicide)

notes: i tried writing for genshin hehe (also if you don't know who dazai is, he's an anime character (and a real person) who has attempted suicide for many times but also failed each time) part 02 :')

xiao

the first time he met you was when you tried to jump off the wangshu inn balcony. he heard you say something like "the weather is so clear, do you think this world is going to fall apart?" and he was like '???'

when you noticed his presence, you asked him the same question and if he'd like to be your suicide partner, "it feels so lonely to leave this world by myself, so how about you join me instead?" while giving him the most idiotic smile.

when he refused, you immediately pout and started to climb up the rail obviously trying to jump off. but your suicide attempt failed when xiao teleported behind you and held your wrist "what the hell do you think you're doing?!"

he's even more confused when you grimaced and sent him a sharp glare.

later after he got close to you (after he tried to stop your suicide attempt a few times) he learned that attempting for a suicide is your second nature so the next time you ask him for a double suicide he would just shrug it off.

but sometimes he does get worried like what if one day he comes back to you just to find out you're not in this world anymore? he already lost his friends, no way he's gonna lose you next. so he always make sure to check on you from time to time especially if you're out of his sight for too long just to make sure you're safe.

kazuha

kazuha was at ritou's dock admiring the beauty of narukami island before he departed to liyue in a few hours. but you just had to come up to him and asked him, "kazuha, how long do you think it will take for you to find my body if i drown in the sea?"

he was shocked at first but after he realised it was you, he just laughed it off and smiled, "well, i prefer if you don't drown at all"

you smiled at his words, "then you must wanted to die alongside with me, right?" he then cupped your cheeks with his hands, "dear y/n, why do you wish to die?"

"let me ask you, then. do you really think there's any value in the act of living? i've been living my entire life, and i still can't find a reason for me to live."

kazuha was speechless, he already asked himself the same question many times. does he simply live because of what happened to his friend? because his friend left him prematurely without that of a goodbye? and he figured, the problem is that he loved him. he loved all of his friends so much he's afraid if he leaves this world, other people will feel the exact same way as he did and it pained his heart just thinking about it.

that's why in that instant, kazuha swears to himself; that he'll protect you until you find your reason to live. in this world, and the next, he'll always protect you.

albedo

it was still dark when albedo arrived at his lab in dragonspine. what he didn't expect was to be met with a panicked sucrose, "mr. albedo, please help us!" she said, pointing at you who looked like you were on cloud nine.

as he made his way to you, albedo realized that you're actually... high? really? early in the morning? "just look, i've finally arrived in the afterlife! to the land of the dead, khaenri'ah!" you laughed hysterically.

albedo was confused, "sucrose, what's going on?" sucrose looked around a bit before picking a half eaten mushroom and a book titled 'complete guide to suicide'. she read and explained to albedo about the method you were using when you suddenly jumped on her, still high.

albedo sighed, seemingly used to your antics, "wait a minute sucrose, let me finish my paperwork first." sucrose was struggling so much, she even tried to fight you off but you still succeeded wrapping her full body and face with crape bandages making her look like a mummy.

you came to sit in front of him, poking and pinching his cheeks, begging him to come with you to the afterlife while he focused on his paperworks.

after it what felt like a good five minutes, albedo put his pen down, cupped your cheeks in his hand and stared straight into your eyes, "strange, most people fear death but at the same time they are drawn to death. yet why are you so different from them? maybe i should spend more time with you so i can learn about you..."

aether

"you're a man as ephemeral and elegant as a lotus blossom. would you be willing to join me in a double suicide-"

'bbong!' you were proposing aether for a double suicide when paimon suddenly hit you in the head causing you two to bickered.

"at least wait for him to find his sibling first!" paimon shouted. she's not wrong; you should've at least waited for him to reunite with lumine first before you died with him, "but that would take forever!" after all, all you wanted to do was to leave this world as soon as possible.

that's why you offered to accompany him throughout his journey. aether was glad, not because you wanted to commit double suicide with him but because he can always keep his eyes on you.

moreover, he doesn't have to worry about you committing double suicide with other people. though he must admit that he's a bit jealous when you suddenly ask random people to join for your double suicide especially if they're good looking (you're loyal to him so obviously you were joking)

one day, you were explaining to him why living is so useless and why he should join you for your double suicide saying your reason to live is to die with him. aether listened to you attentively when he suddenly sighed and smiled softly, "but y/n, if you think of me as your reason to live, then i'll take it upon myself to keep you alive."

[hedgehog-moss]

hi! Just wanted to ask what you’ve been reading lately? I love seeing your book recs! Also what are some of your favorite books ?

Hi :) I've read some disappointing stuff lately, so I decided to start two books from my to-read list that felt like safe bets—Samantha Shannon's A Day of Fallen Night and Elsa Morante's Lies and Sorcery. I'm enjoying both so far!

I've read interesting nonfiction this year—Empire of Pain, about the Sackler family; Erich Schwartzel's Red Carpet about the role of the movie business in cultural hegemony; and Laure Hillerin's biography of the Countess Greffulhe, who was a fascinating woman. She was the real-life model behind Proust's Duchess de Guermantes character, and a really influential figure in the arts & sciences in the early 1900s—she financed the first productions of Diaghilev's Ballets Russes, frequented Rodin's studio, helped Marie Curie find the funds to start her Radium Institute... It was a good read. I also read a biography of Anne Perry by Peter Graham, which was so-so—the story of the murder is morbidly fascinating but the way it was told had too many trivial details and not enough depth.

Worst nonfiction books of the year so far were Niall Ferguson's Doom: The Politics of Catastrophe which didn't seem to have any point to make, and François-Guillaume Lorrain's Scarlett which was marketed as a fascinating new look into the making of Gone With the Wind but actually the author just watched his DVD's behind-the-scenes bonus content and diluted it into 300+ pages of rehashed anecdotes, it was so pointless. I found it on the "Vos libraires vous recommandent !" shelf and now I feel betrayed by that bookshop.

As for fiction, I've enjoyed Ira Levin's A Kiss Before Dying, it felt very dated in a fun way, everything about it felt intensely 1950s. Was very disappointed by Silvia Avallone's Acciaio, I'd heard good things about it but it was so joyless and meh. Álvaro Enrigue's Ahora me rindo y eso es todo was a bit disappointing in the second half, but the first half was good so I'll try other books of his. Pierre Lemaitre's Miroir de nos peines was fun in an expected way—I mean those who enjoyed the beginning of his Au revoir là-haut trilogy will enjoy this one too as it's more of the same. And I also had a good time reading Catherynne Valente's Radiance— similarly if you already like her writing style you'll probably enjoy this book. (I was listening to this as I read it and it fit really well with the floaty-nostalgic-unearthly atmosphere of the book, it's always nice to accidentally find a good book-soundtrack that enhances the experience! Now I can never listen to it while reading again as it's too intertwined with that story.)

And I really liked Madame de Staël's Delphine but I wouldn't recommend it to just anyone, it's very 18th century (though it's from 1802). If you enjoy idle noblewomen writing each other 20-page-long letters in gorgeously long-winded 18th-century prose about how the Viscount of Something glanced at them from the other end of a salon and nothing else happened and now they're having agonies then you'll love this book, it's 900 pages of this. I can't get enough of it personally, and I found it hilarious that these aristocrats had such low-stakes problems considering the story starts in 1790. They didn't notice the Revolution, they were too busy writing tormented letters about extramarital glances.

Some books I've added to my kindle recently: Virginia Feito's Mrs. March, Simon Schama's Landscape & Memory (someone I follow on GR described it as "monstrously bloated" while the NYT blurb diplomatically calls it "a work of enormous scope" which made me laugh), Seyhmus Dagtekin's To the Spring, by Night, Margarita Liberaki's Three Summers, Maggie O'Farrell's The Vanishing Act of Esme Lennox, Dawn Powell's A Time to Be Born.

This got long, sorry! You can have a look at my 5- and 4.5 star shelves on goodreads, for some of my favourite books of the past few years :)

[nadinebrooks]

Here is the link to my masterlist

Severus Snape x Reader: The New Potions Master

Warnings: None that I can think of. This is set driving the Half Blood Prince (6th Year) so for the sake of this, just pretend that Professor Slughorn isn't the Potions Professor. 

"Hmph. You're not exactly what I was expecting." The old Potions master stood in the doorway of the new Potion professor's office. He casually leaned against the doorframe with his arms crossed and this sort of amused look on his face. She was not what he was expecting at all. He didn't know if that was a good or bad thing.

"Pardon me?" The young women looked away from whatever had been occupying her attention. She adjusted her glasses so that she could see the dark haired professor standing in her doorway a little better.  

The new professor was even more beautiful than Snape imagined. The photos he had seen of her didn't do any justice to looking at her in real life.

She had written the newest edition of Potion textbooks that Hogwarts was using this year. She had also written a couple other books about her studies as well that he found rather interesting. Her picture could be found on the back in the bottom right corner of every book she had written.

"I'm very well qualified for this position if that's what you're proposing professor."  

"No, my sincerest apologies. I'm not questioning your qualification at all." Snape raised an eyebrow at the very young professor. She looked to be in her mid to late 20s. Now she was taking his position as the potions professor while he moved over to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts. "I've read many of your articles and books Miss. (l/n) and I am very impressed by your work. The only person I know that could perfectly replicate some of those complicated potions are myself."  

"Thank you Professor. It's Snape, right?" (y/n) got up from her spot at her desk and walked over to him. She had heard a lot about him before coming to work at Hogwarts.

"That is correct. It's Snape. Severus Snape." He held out a hand to shake hers.  

"It is a pleasure to meet you Professor Snape. It's about time that I put a face with a name. I've already heard so much about you."  

"Oh." He raised an eyebrow. "Who have you been talking to about me?"  

"The students." She admitted not being able to meet his eyes. (y/n) looked down at her shoes not wanting to see the look on his face.  

The last thing she wanted was to see his face when he came to the understanding that she associated with the students more than the other professors.  

She already knew that he thought she was too young for the job. A lot of people thought she was far too young for the job.

Truthfully, she felt like it was a lot more easier to relate to the the students since she had only graduated a couple of years ago.  They found it easy to relate to each other.

"Please look at me when you're speaking." Snape used his finger and place it under (y/n)'s chin forcing her to look him in his eyes. "Only the children refuse to look me in the eyes when I'm talking to them. I don't plan on treating you like one of them. You are my equal Miss (l/n). Though you do look as if you could fit right in with the children. "If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?" 

"Please call me (y/n)." She waved her hand letting him know it was okay for him to call her by her first name. She still found it a challenge to get the students to call her Professor (l/n). It felt way too professional. "And I'm (any age you would like to use)."  

"Why you're merely a child." Snape couldn't himself. It accidentally slip out and he instantly regretted it. He could see the look of hurt flash across her face and then it was gone.

She refused to let him see her hurt. She pushed back her shoulders and looked him dead in the eye.  

"I am not a child Professor Snape." She hissed. Her voice was not sweet and inviting like it had been earlier. "I am highly qualified for this job. I know for a fact that I am more qualified than you were when you started this position. I mastered the arts of Potions when I was just 14 years old. I've been brewing potions since I could read. I've had pretty much every potion memorized since I was 11. I learned how to brew Wolfsbane when I was 9 for a couple of my parent's friends. I can make Veritaserum so powerful you won't be able to lie for months. I can make a vial of Felix Felisis so that you would never run out of luck. I refuse to let anyone talk down on me just because I'm young. I graduated with the highest marks in Potions that anyone at Beauxbatons has ever received. So I will see you tomorrow at breakfast. Good night." She quickly walked around him to her sleeping chambers leaving all her belongings behind.

Over the next couple of weeks, (y/n) did her very best to avoid Professor Snape. She made sure to get to meals early to make sure she didn't have to sit beside him. She even changed her route when walking to her classroom to ensure that she wouldn't bump into him in the hallways.  

The students had grown to love Professor (l/n). She was very hands on in the classroom and rarely took points away from the student.  

They were all extremely respectful to her, which she was worried about at first, but since she was only a couple of years older than them, they found her rather easy to talk to.  

Snape couldn't help but overhear how amazing of a professor she was from students in the hallway. He was starting to feel ashamed for the way he had talked to her those weeks ago.  

"Professor (l/n)?" (y/n) looked up from the potion she was currently brewing and smiled when she saw Hermione standing at the door. Hermione had become a personal favorite of hers. She reminded her so much of herself when she was younger. Always eager to please and happy to learn.

"Please come in Miss Granger. "She grinned sitting down the clippings of unicorn hoofs and wiped her hands off on a spare towel. "What can I help you with?" She walked over to her desk and then gestured for Hermione to sit down in front of her.  

"I was wondering if you could talk to me about Amortentia." Hermione looked down fiddling with her hands clearly embarrassed about the whole situation. "I've read all of your books and I think it's absolutely brilliant all the things you've managed to accomplish at such a young age. It's a potion that I've been wondering about for a couple of years, but Professor Snape is not the easiest person to talk to."  

"Well you're happen to be in luck. Amortentia happens to be one of my specialties." 

"Are there any potions that aren't your specialty?" Hermione questioned looking at her with wide eyes.  

"Well as long as we can keep this between us, I'm not very good at Polyjuice Potions." (y/n) shrugged. "I still struggle with them to this day."  

"I've made a Polyjuice Potion before." Hermione admitted not sure if it would get her in trouble or not. She honestly didn't think that Professor would say anything about it. "During my second year."  

"Wow." (y/n) said clearly impressed. "And how did that go?" 

"It went well for Ron and Harry, but I accidentally turned myself into a cat."  

"A cat? I didn't know it worked with animals. I've always been too scared to try."  

"I would not recommend it." Hermine giggled thinking back 4 years ago. To this day she still couldn't believe that they didn't get caught for the amount of rules they had broken for that.  

"But you didn't come in here to talk about a Polyjuice Potion. You wanted to talk about Amortenia." (y/n) got up from her desk and walked over to a cupboard. She returned with a tiny vial holding a liquid with a pinkish tint. She uncorked it and held it for Hermione to smell. "What does it smell like to you?"  

"Parchment paper...freshly mown grass...and Ron's hair." She wouldn't have been able to admit the smell of Ron's hair to anyone, but she found that talking to Professor (l/n) was very easy.  

"Ah," she sat back down at her desk sighing, "Mr. Weasley. Amortenia is the most powerful love potion in the world. It causes a powerful obsession or infatuation with the person who brews it. Nobody has been able to create a potion strong enough that can last forever. But it smells different to everyone."  

"So that won't make him love me?" Hermione questioned her eyes fixated on the bottle in front of her.  

"No Miss. Granger. I'm afraid not. But I wouldn't give up on him just yet. Boys can be so stupid."  

"Yeah." Hermione nodded standing up. "They really can be. Thank you for talking to me. Good night."  

"Of course. I'll see you tomorrow. Good night." (y/n) said giving the younger prodigy a small smile as she scampered out of her room.  

"Boys really can be stupid." There came a low voice from the door. (y/n) looked up to see Professor Snape standing there with an ashamed look on his face.  

"Hello Professor Snape." (y/n) coldly said still upset with the comment he made at the beginning of the term.  

"You've been avoiding me." He said slowly walking into the room. "Why is that?" 

"You hurt my feelings." (y/n) admitted. "I know that I'm young, but that doesn't mean I can't do my job well." 

"You're right and I apologize. I've heard the students and other professors talking and it's evident that you are very good at what you do. I made a mistake for what I said to you earlier and I'm here to say I'm sorry (y/n). And I mean it." 

"It's okay Professor Snape." (y/n) was grinning. Her whole face light up the classroom. It had been a while since Snape had seen such beauty. He knew that there was no way that she would be interested in him. A girl that beautiful had to have lots of suitors.  

"Please call me Severus. I would like to think that we're on first name bases now." He chuckled. They talked for an hour or so not realizing how late it had become. "(y/n)?" He had finally built up the courage to ask him something that had been bothering him the second he laid eyes on her. 

"Hmm?" She replied as she was picking up her things letting him that she was listening. 

"Are you married?" He asked. That caused her to drop her books and look up at him shocked. That was one of the last things she expected to come from his mouth. "You don't wear a wedding band, but I wasn't sure if it was because of the potions and you didn't want to mess it up. I apologize if that question was too personal."

"It's not too personal at all Severus. Like you said, we're on the way to becoming friends. But no, I am not." She shook her head regaining her composure. "I went to an all girl's school for most of my life so I didn't have a lot of experience with the opposite sex. But I did have a boyfriend for about 4 years or so. We broke up though."  

"May I ask what happened?" Snape questioned.  

"He didn't like the idea that I was smarter than him." She shrugged.  

"Well he was stupid to let you go." Snape said before quickly leaving (y/n) in the room alone with her thoughts.  

Over the next couple of months, Snape and (y/n) had become very close. In between classes they could be found chatting in the hallways.  

Neither the professors nor students had seen the old Potions Master behave this way. They had even started placing bets on if the Professors would end up dating.  

Whenever a class would bring up the idea (y/n) would quickly change the top letting the students know that her love life was not up for discussion. And they knew better than to bring up the subject around Professor Snape.  

(y/n) was working on yet another article when there came a knock at the door.  

"Come in." She called out expecting to see another professor, but it was Hermione.  

"Hello dear." She smiled softly. "What can I help you with?"  

"I've done something terribly stupid."  

"It can't be that stupid." (y/n) chucked as Hermione sat down in the chair across from her desk.  

"I made a love potion." 

"You know those are banned Miss. Granger." (y/n) raised her eyebrows in surprise. She wasn't going to tell on Hermione or anything. She was still a child and sometimes children do silly things. Especially when it's for someone that they love. 

"I know." There were now tears welling up in her warm brown eyes. "I didn't know what else to do so I came here." She held out her hand holding the little vial. "Please take it before I do something rash." (y/n) took it from Hermione and placed it on her desk. "Can I ask you something?" Hermione questioned.  

"Sure." 

"What does it smell like to you?"  

"(favorite fruit), (another favorite smell), and my ex's cologne."  

"Thank you." Hermione quickly gathered herself and scampered out the room. (y/n) didn't want to lie to the poor girl but she couldn't admit to her that it smelled like Snape. Speaking of, here he was for their nightly conversations.  

"I think I'm going to have to take a rain check." (y/n) got up rubbing her temples. "I have a terrible headache." 

"Would you like me to brew you something?" Snape asked clearly concerned. "It would only take a couple of moments."  

"No." She shook her head. "Thank you Severus, but I think I'm just going to sleep this one off."  

"Amortenia." He grumbled holding up the vial on her desk. "Who was this for?" 

"No one." She shook her head. "Miss. Granger made it for Mr. Weasley, but she brought it to me before she could use it."  

"Granger and Weasley? That's a very unlikely couple." 

"I think it's cute." (y/n) sighed. "I've always believed that opposites attract." 

"Like us?" 

"Yes. Like us." She wasn't really sure where this conversation was going now. She watched as Snape uncorked the vial and took a whiff. She was curious now. "What does it smell like to you?" 

"A perfectly brewed Draught of Living Dead...my grandmother's kitchen...and you." He finally said looking up her. Snape wasn't planning on saying that but it just happened to slip out. There was no taking it back now. It was all out in the open. 

"So what does that mean?" (y/n) stammered clearly flustered. This is not how she imagined the night going.  

"Are you that daft (y/n)?" Snape chucked. "I fancy you." 

[starplusfourletters]

I read vision of the future (hand of thrawn book 2 aka Who Scams the Scammers)

(spoilers) and once again it turned into a liveblog, apologies

Hold up are we doing Warrior Cats? Is this Warrior Cats Planet??

What base is “arm around your waist to serve as a psychic translator conduit”

Omigod I WISH my Warrior Cat name were “Jaded of Mara”

Everything I know about Soontir Fel I learned from x wing but I would not have guessed his primary motivation to be "dirt"

@ luke and mara: the girls are talkingggggg

North Barris Spaceport has me twitching

Ghent not remembering who the president is and just assuming it’s probably Leia. I mean fair

What base is "holding hands to brace yourselves over a swarm of flesh eating insects"

So we’re finally asking why Mara ISN’T actually dark side and the answer is… shrug emoji?

Man Zahn really is stuck on “character bonding hike” as a device huh. But consider I eat that shit up

Oh No Lando is racist

LMAO at “so oblivious you need a child pterodactyl to tell you to just kiss already” to “besides I don’t want my life to be like spiderman three I hated that movie” to “kissing with dubious consent” ALL ON THE SAME PAGE like Zahn finally realized he really needed to get this show on the road

LMAO at Ghent getting a free pass from Pellaeon to hack the empire. Like you’re just going to get the thing you need and not steal all of our military and political secrets right? Riiiight? Even more LMAO at the fact that that would probably not even occur to Ghent

When everyone assumes they're the protagonist so finding this one macguffin is their job personally. Like guys I like the energy but maybe we've got enough different plans to do the same thing (the exception, hilariously, being Luke) (and Oh No it turns out Luke is the one to find the macguffin because You Have to Follow Your Heart and Let the MacGuffin Come to You. I eat that shit up also)

Mara’s just... So great.

Not to make everything about my blorbo but absolutely to make everything about my blorbo I do wonder to what extent Ahsoka’s characterization post-Rebels doesn’t click for me is because a lot of the more obvious directions for Oldsoka overlap with Mara, and the powers that be didn’t want to reinvent the Mara Jade wheel. Not to say they have similar characterization – Mara has terminal sam coded dean girl syndrome – but idk, in dynamic range maybe? Calling out bullshit, weaponizing her own abrasiveness, covering insecurity with humor, being Kind of a Lot with a side of trust issues at any given moment – there are modes Mara and Youngsoka share that didn’t pass to Oldsoka apparently. Idk possibly all this is just me wanting them to TALK

Establishing that you can do evil things for selfless reasons without necessarily being in any danger of falling to the dark side is... Philosophically interesting

We interrupt this tale of political espionage to bring you Jedi Relationship Counseling (spoiler alert: communication is key)

"That part of her life [Mara’s time with Palpatine] had died unmourned" I mean mourned a little bit. Mourned for at least a book and a half

I've been willing to suspend my disbelief on everything in this book until "both Luke and Mara forget that ysalamiri exist"

I will never not be a sucker for The Movements and Transferred Ownership of Emotionally Significant Weapons

Oh No thrawn made a second foundation

The Aing-Tii seem OP but whatever

Oh No the second foundation forgot to close the garage doors

(Re: The Jade’s Fire) I know Mara’s having a Moment, and I promise I’m taking it seriously, but when the warrior cat asked “What is it you want, Mara Jade” my WHOLE BRAIN responded with "I want Hermione Granger! And a rocket ship!"

Moranda has real Kevin from home alone energy and I'm living for it

Is it bad that I’m actually kinda happy the Imperials’ Bothawui shield plan worked? Like, they had a really interesting plan and I’m happy for them. They earned it

WAIT IS MORANDA DEAD FR?

What base is “full mind meld while you’re fighting for your lives”

Who would win: ~1.5 Jedi, 2 sentinel droids droidekas, or Artoo with a sauntering gun

If I had a nickel for every time this duology explicitly established Jedi can’t go completely without oxygen, even when in a trance, I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but which makes me feel like the Ahsoka show had a weirdly specific axe to grind with the source material

Luke’s proposal to Mara is Just. The. Funniest. Thing. That’s some Anakin-level cringe and the prequels aren’t even out yet. He truly is his father’s son.

I mean POV there’s this guy and for a couple years you want to kill him, and then you realize that’s more of a You Problem, so then you’re friendquaitances for a decade mostly because you don’t approve of the shit he’s getting into, and then you have one (1) honest conversation and get caught in a death trap and he’s like “so I think the next step for us is marriage”

LEIAAAAAA! Full Jedi Knight Leia is both terrifying and hot. I would run.

“So it is treason” – Some random guy

Lando needs to be on the New Republic payroll simply for being willing to speak to any of the other characters and also he needs a raise. This poor guy getting called on to command the entire New Republic fleet mid-battle and he’s like “I’ve been a civilian for 15 years and also I knew you would pull some horse piss like this steve”

Mara Jade, Imperial protege. Skills include: Identifying load-bearing walls. (Now all I want is Property Brothers: Sith Edition)

Mara please. Luke please. These absolute idiots. This is some pear scene shit. I hope nothing bad happens to them ever

The whole back half of this book has been an emotional rollercoaster for me specifically because I wanted Flim to be Thrawn FR soooooo baddddd. And now I’m sad. His name literally means scam don’t do this to me Zahn

I’ve been amused by all the Star Wars universe idioms but I gotta take a moment to specifically showcase “burned your sky-arches.” Karrde is a delight to have in class

Having an independent intelligence agency that’s supposed to work for both the New Republic and the Empire seems absolutely unhinged but go off I guess

When the New Republic and Empire sign peace accords and Luke can’t even be bothered to show up

Mara is great and her arc is fuckin hilarious to me. The narrative has identified her as The Damaged One and I’m like???? She came to terms with her troubled past, drew her own boundaries regarding the Dark Side, recognized that there are people who care about her instead of pre-emptively pushing them away, and resolved to form deeper emotional connections. Smash cut to ROTS Anakin whose physical and psychic damage has literally turned his brain into oatmeal

Again I know this was before the prequels Mad points for explicitly saying Mara needed to form attachments to become a Jedi. Zahn being pretty gangsta there

OH NO THEMB

[simping4villains]

I got a request for more Phinks content, so here y'all go! Hope you like it!

Warning: Sexual content

~~~~~

Our original plan had failed.

   As soon as we got to the special event island, we were stopped by one of the game's creators and beamed to one of the main cities. Shalnark decided that it would be best for us to find somewhere to rest tonight and regroup in the morning.

   "Come on," he said to us. "There's a place up the road where we can rent lodging for the night."

"So, now what?" I asked while we walked. "Can we still go through with the rest of the mission? We don't have the boat anymore."

He rubbed his chin as he thought. "I guess for now we'll just play the game until we can find another way off of the island."

"What he means," Phinks clarified, "Is that we'll steal whatever cards we need in order to get the treasure. That's what Fei and I did before."

"Right," Shal agreed as he pushed through the front door of one of the city's brick buildings.

The decor inside was very old and rustic-looking. I noticed that there were cobwebs wrapping around the chandelier that hung in the center of the room. There was a small cat-like man sitting in one of the lobby's plush chairs, reading a book. He smiled at us as we came in, hopping up to run behind the counter.

"Hello! What can I do for you folks?"

"We'd like to rent six rooms, please," Shalnark answered.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm afraid I've only got three left."

"Should we go somewhere else?" Franklin asked Shal.

"No, no, we can just pair off—you and Kortopi, Phinks and y/n, and me and Feitan."

   I had a feeling that since I always paired up with Phinks and Feitan for missions, Shalnark would probably have me room with one of them. I guess I should have been relieved that it was Phinks he'd picked. I was still pretty sure that Feitan hated me.

   We grabbed our keys from the man behind the counter and climbed the stairs to our shared room. It was simple and rustic, just as the lobby had been. The only furniture we had was a beat-up writing desk, a nightstand with a dusty lamp, and a bed just big enough for two.

   "God, I'm fucking beat," Phinks said, throwing his bag down and flopping onto the mattress.

   "One bed," I said. "Guess we're sharing?"

   "It's either that or one of us sleeps on the floor, and it sure as shit ain't gonna be me."

   "Alright. I think I'm gonna run down the hall to the bathroom to change."

   "Yeah, I guess I should probably change too," He said, standing up and pulling his shirt off.

   My eyes nearly bulged out of my head with how shocked I was. This man clearly didn't care if I saw him half-naked. And honestly, he had nothing to be ashamed of. Sure, his incredible strength came from his nen, but he still had the rippling muscles to match it. I hadn't meant to stare, but. . .

   "What, see something you like?" He smirked.

   Shit.

   "Fuck off," I snapped and left the room as quickly as possible.

   I could tell by the heat in my cheeks that I was blushing at being caught and I didn't want to give him a reason to keep teasing me. It wasn't even like I was really attracted to Phinks or anything, I was just caught off guard. That was what I kept telling myself as I regained my composure.

   When I came back to the room, he was already in bed with the covers pulled up to his chest—which was still bare. He turned when I entered.

   "Jeez. Took ya long enough."

   I frowned. "You don't always have to be such an ass. I mean, would it kill you to relax for once?"

   "I'm trying, but I had to wait all night for you to put on your massive tshirt."

   I lifted the bottom of it to reveal my shorts. "These, too."

   He threw his arms up. "Christ, forgive me. Those must've taken forever on their own."

   "You're a real dick, you know that?"

   "Yeah, whatever. Get your ass in bed. I'm fucking tired."

   "Fine."

   I climbed under the covers with my back to him and he turned out the light. After an exhausting day, it didn't take long for us to fall asleep.

*****

   I was jolted awake by a sharp kick.

   I sat up, ready to defend against whatever intruder had attacked me, but it was only Phinks and I in the room, and he was still asleep.

   He must've moved a lot in his sleep because he was sprawled out over the majority of the bed, his elbow was digging into my back, and he had taken most of the blanket as well. I tried to take the blanket back, but the force shifted his body a bit and he ended up kicking me again.

   I yelped and kicked him back, giving him a massive shove to move him back onto his side of the bed. He woke up and was immediately pissed.

   "What the hell are you doing?"

   "You're taking up too much of the bed!"

   "Well, you don't need to get physical!"

   "You kicked me first!" I yelled, going to shove him again.

   He caught my wrists. "No I didn't!"

   "Yes you did!"

   "Well, I didn't mean to!"

   "Whatever," I said, breaking out of his grasp. "Give me the blanket!"

   I enhanced my aura as I went to yank the blanket back from him and ended up pulling him along with it. He caught himself with one arm on each side of my head. We both froze.

   I looked down at the way our bodies were now pressed together. My face suddenly felt hot again, but I couldn't run this time.

   Phinks chuckled. "Well, damn. If you wanted me so bad you could've just said so."

   "Shut up! This was an accident!"

   "Oh, really? Cause I don't see you shoving me away."

   "I could say the same for you," I pointed out.

   His cocky grin dropped. "Well—I just—that's because I. . . shut up."

   As if my comment made him fully realize the position we were in, he moved to get off of me. Without thinking, I reached out to stop him, wrapping a hand around his arm.

   He looked back at me. "What are you doing?"

   "I don't know," I answered.

   It was the truth. It was like my brain and body had stop communicating. I was moving without any control. I hadn't even had the idea to snake my hand up his chest and into his hair, but it happened anyway.

   "Do you want me to stop?" I asked, tugging lightly at his golden locks.

   His lashes fluttered ever so lightly at the sensation. "No," he breathed.

   I guided him into a kiss. Our mouths moved together, tentatively at first, but before long we both melted into it. He slid an arm beneath me and held me tighter so that my body arched against him. I couldn't help but let out a small gasp at the action. Phinks used the opportunity to catch my bottom lip between his teeth, pulling a moan from my throat.

   "Oh, you like that?" He teased.

   "Shut up."

   "You can admit it if i'm turning you on."

   I enhanced my aura and flipped us so that I was straddling him. Before he had a chance to recover, I dipped down and bit his neck.

   "Fuck," he hissed, tilting his head back to give me better access.

   I laughed against his skin. "I'll admit it when you do."

   "Well, don't hold your breath. There's nothing for me to admit."

   I sat back up to cock an eyebrow at him. "Really?"

   "Really."

   He was a fucking liar. I could feel how hard he was beneath me. If he was going to play hard-to-get then I'd just have to drag a confession out of him.

   "What's this, then?" I asked, rolling my hips against him.

   He sucked in a breath, trying to keep his composure. "I don't know what you're talking about."

   "This." I repeated the same action.

   He couldn't stop himself from groaning that time, letting his eyes flutter shut for a moment. "Alright, fine. You're turning me on. You're a fucking smokeshow. Is that what you wanted to hear?"

   I affectionately swiped my thumb over his cheek. "It was. Thank you."

   "Don't you have something to say to me?"

   "I said 'thank you.'"

   "You aren't going to tell me how bad you want it?"

   I shrugged. "Meh."

   "Oh, fuck off." He laughed. "You're such a brat."

   He grabbed my hips and started rolling them so that I moved back and forth on his length. With only a few thin layers of fabric between the two of us I could feel every inch—and god, he was right, I did fucking want it.

   He changed the angle of my hips, shifting all of the friction to my clit. My hands shot to his chest when I felt a jolt of pleasure run through my body. I gave him a warning look, but he just flashed me a cocky smile in return.

   "What's wrong?" He slid one of his hands between us, stopping where I was most sensitive. "Is it this?"

   He started rubbing circles over my shorts. I bit my lip, trying to hold back a moan. I didn't want to give Phinks anything else to feed his already inflated ego.

   He laughed again, shaking his head. "Aw, come on, you don't have to hold back for me. It's all yours as soon as you tell me how bad you want it."

   I didn't say anything—hell, I couldn't have opened my mouth without moaning.

   "Fine, if you're gonna be stubborn. . ." He pushed my shorts and panties aside to run his fingers through my folds. "Fuck, you're soaked."

   He found his way to my clit again, sending another shock of pleasure through me. I couldn't hold back my moans this time.

   He smirked. "Yeah? Does that feel good?"

   "You're such an ass," I said, but it did feel good. He'd barely touched me and I could already sense a coil of pleasure beginning to tighten in the pit of my stomach.

   He chuckled. "And you've got a terrible poker face."

   He dipped a finger inside of me, then another, slowly scissoring them. He forced another moan out of me when he curled them over an especially sensitive spot. I tightened my grip on his chest, digging my nails into his skin.

   He drew in a sharp breath, pulling his hand away. "Fuck, are you trying to make me bleed?"

   "Don't stop," I whined.

   I regretted it as soon as the words left my mouth. I hadn't wanted to seem so needy—so desperate for his touch. I thought he'd end up teasing me for it, so I was surprised when he flipped us back over and gave me exactly what I wanted, ripping my shorts and panties off in one move before thrusting his fingers into me at an even faster rate. I threw my head back, arching my back and curling my toes. Phinks took the opportunity to give attention to my neck, planting kisses along my jaw before he made his way up to my ear and nibbled on the lobe.

   "Are you getting close?"

   "Yes," I breathed.

   "I'll let you cum," he murmured, "if you admit that you want it."

   "Want what?" I asked, feeling the coil in my stomach continuing to tighten—the tension threatening to explode at any minute. I thought if I stalled then maybe I wouldn't have to say it.

   He quickly proved to me that that strategy wouldn't work as he moved to pull his hand away again. I grabbed his wrist.

   "Wait! Alright, fine. I do."

   "Do what?"

   "Want it."

   He pressed his thumb to my clit, moving it in slow circles. "Want what?"

   "Y-Ah-You."

   His fingers curled over that same sensitive spot again. "What do you want from me?"

   I was so close. I needed it. I just had to say it.

   "I want you to f-nngh fuck-I want you to fuck me."

   "Oh, that's what you want?"

   "Yes."

   He stopped teasing me with such a slow pace, pumping his fingers faster and making quicker circles over my clit. I could feel the coil of pleasure tightening again. Every movement was working me closer and closer to the edge.

   And then Phinks murmured, "Then you'd better hurry up and cum for me already."

   If my mind weren't completely numbed by the intense pleasure I felt, I would have been pissed that THAT was what pushed me over the edge. But as my orgasm washed over me, I was too dizzied by a blissful fog to be upset, unable to focus on anything but melting into the mattress. I was so distracted by my high that I failed to notice that Phinks had gotten undressed. I didn't realize it until we were making out again and his erection brushed against the inside of my thigh.

   His hands moved under my shirt, pushing it up to guide it over my head. While I was sat up, he reached around to unhook my bra, using our proximity as an opportunity to suck on my neck. I thought he'd lay me back down once my bra was off, but instead he pulled me into his lap so that my legs were wrapped around his waist.

   "Damn," he said as his eyes raked over my body. "You're a fucking dime, you know that?"

   "And you have such a way with words." I moved my hand between us to wrap around his length, moving it up and down at a torturously slow pace.

   He groaned as he let his head fall to my shoulder, pressing his hand into the small of my back so that I was forced closer to him.

   I couldn't help the smirk that tugged at the corners of my mouth. "Something wrong?"

   "Yeah. Quit teasing me like that."

   "Like what?" I asked, playing dumb.

   "Don't act cute. You know what you're doing."

   "What do you mean?"

   He laughed and pulled back to look at me. "You're really gonna do this? After you were practically begging for me to fuck you? Now you're gonna just sit here and play your little games with me? You're really asking for it."

   "I think you're all talk. And besides," I leaned in so our lips were nearly touching. "Who said I didn't still want it?"

   It was like my words had lit a fire inside of him, calling him to action. He grabbed my thighs and lifted me up, lining himself up with my entrance. I slowly sank down on his length until I was resting on his hips.

   "You okay?" He asked, rubbing my thighs.

   "I'm good," I answered. "How are you doing?"

   "Oh, i'm fucking fantastic." He said before catching my lips in a kiss.

   I wrapped my arms around his neck so they rested on his shoulders, giving me the extra bit of leverage I needed to lift myself off of him, just to sink back down again. He groaned against my lips, grabbing my ass. I repeated the motion, building a faster pace. It didn't take long for Phinks to take over. With his grip on my ass he started rocking my hips to meet his thrusts. The whole thing felt incredibly intimate—our arms wrapped around each other, our lips exploring every inch of skin they could find, and our small gasps and moans that filled the air with each movement.

   "Phinks," I breathed when the sting of him stretching me out was gone, replaced by the feeling of pure pleasure.

   "What is it, babe?"

   "Harder."

   "Harder? Shit, I don't wanna break you."

   "Please. I need it," I begged.

   "Fuck, alright. Anything you want. Hold me tighter."

   I braced against his shoulders and hooked my ankles together around his back just in time for him to lift me off of the bed. He carried me to the other side of the room and pinned me up against the wall.

   "You'd better hang on," he said before pulling his hips back and thrusting into me harder than before.

   I threw my head back and moaned, digging my nails into his shoulders. It only encouraged him to go faster. He was ramming into me with so much speed and force that I worried we might break through the wall.

   "You like that?" He asked, gripping my thighs so tight I was sure he'd leave bruises. "You like it when I'm rough like this?"

   "Yes," I whined.

   "You like it when I fuck you nice and deep?" He rolled his hips on an especially hard thrust so that his strokes rubbed over my g-spot.

   The sensation made my back arch off of the wall so that I pressed my body into him. My hands shot to his head, tugging at his hair as I nearly screamed in pleasure.

   "God, yes! Don't fucking stop!"

   He nipped at my neck, repeating the same movement. "That's it. Just like that, baby. That's my good fucking girl."

   He kept fucking me like that, relentlessly abusing my g-spot until he forced another orgasm out of me. I screamed out his name, desperately clawing at his skin. He gave a few more erratic thrusts before spilling inside of me, burying his face in my neck and panting next to my ear.

   Once we'd both recovered a bit, he unhooked my thighs from his hips and set me down. When my feet hit the floor, my legs wobbled beneath me and I nearly fell over before he caught me in his arms.

   "Whoa there, easy."

   "I'm fine," I told him.

   "See, I knew I'd end up breaking you if I gave you what you wanted."

   I rolled my eyes. "Fuck you."

   He smirked. "Again? I'm not sure you could handle another round so soon."

   "God, I hate how cocky you are."

   He just smirked and pressed a kiss to my forehead before moving to my ear. He dropped his voice to a low, teasing tone. "If that were true then you wouldn't be full of my cum right now."

   "Fuck off," I snapped. I could already feel it running down my leg.

   He laughed, knowing he'd won. "Come on, I'm tired as hell after all that."

   We both cleaned up and got dressed before climbing back in bed. As soon as I was under the covers, Phinks scooted up behind me and wrapped an arm around my waist, holding me against him.

   "What are you doing?" I asked, inching away a bit.

   "Trying to spoon you. Will you just quit fighting and let it happen?"

   I gave in and tried to relax in his arms. Before too long his breathing became slow and deep, telling me he'd fallen asleep. I closed my eyes and focused on the comforting warmth of his embrace, falling asleep to the rhythm of his heartbeat.

[bearlytolerant]

Fandom: Starfield

Rating: M

Pairing: f!Spacefarer x Sam Coe

Word Count: 777

bright and new

“You’re coming with me to that gala.”

She says it so matter of fact. Her voice is muffled behind the bathroom door in the captain’s cabin.

“Why me?”

“You’re Sam Coe. Your name is well known. You make the most sense.”

What does he expect her to say? Something along the lines of, you’re my favorite Sam. Or I’m in love with you Sam. Maybe not that. He’s not ready for words like that but what’s his imagination for if not fantastical thinking?

He’s perched on the couch, stuck reading and rereading the last paragraphs in A Tale of Two Cities. Eventually, he gives into his preoccupations and sets the book down. “Walter makes more sense if you ask me.”

“Good thing I didn’t ask you.”

She reappears from the bathroom and he’s never seen her like this. Well, he hasn’t seen her in a lot of formats, really. She’s usually grimed up (and she grimes up good) or in a bulky spacesuit. But this black bodycon dress with one slit up the side accents all the places that are soft. All her curves. Curves that would be accentuated wearing his hands as an accessory.

She adjusts her purple dangle earrings. “You’re staring. You okay, Sam?”

He clears his throat and lets out a small little laugh. “Just, I—well, uh.” He breathes deep. “This sounds stupid but,” he pauses and smiles, “you leave me speechless.”

“That was a whole hell of a lot of words for a speechless man.” She beckons him over. “Help me with this?”

It’s maybe two steps before he’s got the necklace in hand, fumbling with the clasp on her neck. The exposed skin is a distraction. Not to mention she smells real nice too, something light and floral.

“A thank you would have sufficed,” he blurts.

And he’s very proud of the way his voice doesn’t crack as his eyes keep roaming where they shouldn’t.

The dress is cut low—and he means very low. It would be so easy to bend her over the desk she’s already bumped up against. Shove that half of her dress aside and—

The necklace slips and he’s on hands and knees. The rim of his hat catches on her ass and tumbles to the floor too. Trying his best to recover, he smoothly snatches up both, replacing his hat and chuckling.

“Whoa, slippery little thing,” he says.

She’s got a hand over her mouth, stifling a laugh. He tries again with the necklace. The angle he holds himself at does not help his case when it comes to getting the damn thing on though. He’s lucky it remains in one piece, somehow. Finally, after a few long and awkward minutes, the delicate and simple chain drapes around her neck.

“There,” he says while thinking about stepping away from her.

But he just wants to linger a moment. Aka, calm himself down before she sees, very obviously, where his mind has been. She spins to face him and he’s caught in her gaze. Thankfully, there’s at least an inch between her and him or his carefully timed breathing would have been all for naught.

“Walter already has a date, by the way. I don’t know if you remember her? Gorgeous gal, goes by the name of—“

“His wife.”

“What? That’s very sexist of you Samothy Coe. Her name is Issa Eklund.”

“Uh, not fair. I was answering the first part of your question. You know, the one about remembering.” He tilts his head a little and pulls at his collar. Then lets his hand fall naturally to his side, flexing his fingers a little to gain some sense of inner composure. “And that’s definitely not my full name.”

“Hmm, I’ll keep guessing then.”

She’s reaching up and just barely brushes his face, thumbing something away. He stills under her touch. Forgets to breathe.

“There was a little piece of oatmeal in your beard. It was distracting me. Gone now.” She smiles. “I’ve got an appointment at Enhance to do my hair and makeup and I've got a suit for you ready to be picked up at the lodge when you feel like. I’ll meet you there at five and we’ll make our way to the gala.”

“I don’t have any say in this at all?”

“Of course you do. Do you object to any of my instructions? Or have a request?”

He shifts from one foot to the other, stuffing a hand in his pocket. “Well, no but—“

She kisses his cheek then, leaving him truly speechless. “I’ll see you at five, Sam.”

Gaping after her, he remembers to breathe when the door hisses closed.

[louis-ii-reyes-strand]

I haven't been tagged yet but I wanted to get ahead this week rather than coming in dead last again. I've been deep in my Carlos-Iris feelings...

Carlos glanced up from the criminal justice textbook he was hunched over in his lap to see Iris already looking back at him. She’d turned the swivel chair all the way around so she was facing the bed where he was sitting. It was Iris’s room so she got first dibs on the desk chair, which would be a fair way to work if they ever studied in Carlos’s room.

She raised her eyebrows at him from across the room as he let his phone ring until it stopped again. “You’re not going to be able to avoid them forever, you know.” 

Carlos rolled his eyes. “I’m not ignoring them–”

“Yes, you are.”

“I just know what they’re going to say.” 

Iris tilted her head, showing her disapproval of his reasoning. 

Carlos flopped back, letting his head hit the bed, expelling the air from his lungs quicker than a regular breath. “I wish we didn’t know each other so well,” he muttered. 

Iris made it difficult to lie to himself, always had, probably always would. As long as she was around, Carlos was stepping further and further out of the closest he hadn’t successfully come out of yet despite his actual ‘coming out’. He wasn’t sure where he would be without her.

“I heard that.” 

Carlos winced. He pushed the book off his lap and turned his head to the side so he could see Iris again. “Look, I’ve known them longer than you have, I know they’re going to be mad at me for not telling them, not that I’m– not that I married a woman.” 

“You aren’t giving them a chance to prove you wrong.”

“I don’t wanna be wrong, I don’t like being wrong.”

Iris huffed. “I know that about you, but you have to suck it up if you want to keep your family in your life. In your real life. Not this fake ‘I-married-a-woman’ life you’re using to push them into reaching out.”

Carlos knew she was right, but he also didn’t think it was fair. Her relationship with her family was normal, strained since her dad passed away, but she spoke to her mom and Michelle often. They knew all about her extracurriculars, the book she was reading, and how much she hated the professor for her anatomy class.

“That was the deal, Carlos. We get married, you talk to your family,” She reminded him as if he hadn’t been a part of the half-drunken, late-night decision to go to the courthouse. “And that means picking up the phone.”

His phone started ringing again.

tags under the cut 🖤

@liminalmemories21 @orchidscript @carlos-tk @theghostofashton @bonheur-cafe @reyesstrand @cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut @lightningboltreader @chicgeekgirl89 @mikibwrites @carlos-in-glasses @lemonlyman-dotcom @birdclowns @thisbuildinghasfeelings @welcometololaland @heartstringsduet and anyone else reading this that wants a go! 🖤

[lullaebies]

While I know that a lot of the things of the books are vague and therefore are open for different interpretations HOWEVER Ryan's interpretation of the dance is the worst I've seen, and I've seen alot of different takes/interpretations since I've been there in the fandom for like 9yrs, but Ryan manages to come up with the worst. Especially with Aegon's character, like I know Aegon (&his mother &his brothers) plays the role of antagonist or at least the closest one to such role, so I wasn't expecting him to be a jesus-like figure in the show but the way Ryan has made him sooo cartoonishly evil (he is objectively worse than Joffrey) but also so pathetic without any endearing qualities that cool villains have is soo jarring and annoying to me especially when Ryan pat himself thinking that the abomination he has created is some sort of "grey complex character"

See I don't really hate everything on the show; clearly if I did I wouldn't be half as obsessed with it, but I feel they chose one of the most dumbed down options for the Dance in the matter of the political debate and intrigue. If they took the Greens and their concerns any type of seriously we could've had a show more on the level of the first seasons of GOT. Most of the Green characters suffer from characterization issues, Aegon is simply the one you can tell on the most because it's fucking ridiculous with him lmao. (this is not to say TB doesn't suffer from characterization issues, but the vast majority of them are kids rn who frankly just didn't get screentime so that's a damn shame. The adult TB character's suffer more from lack of consequences and critique from the narrative imo). As for the Aegon section of the ask - You know the real kicker is that the use Joffrey in interviews as a measuring stick to say "he's no Joffrey" like... did you by any chance... read what you wrote? As you said, he's worse. And even worse are the inconsistencies - you expect me to believe he goes to fighting pits and rapes girls every sunday before sept mass when this man cries at his mother looking at him pointedly? Like, you can glean characterization off of Aegon, you can make him interesting if you tried, but they did not try to make him any sort of grey character in the first season. (in fact, the sympathetic parts of his story are glossed over and he is villainized over them!) He's just a menace that we are told to watch like: "look at this loser the greens are trying to replace Rhaenyra with". And they set it up from the get go with him as a child being a bully and a pervert, being mean to everyone around him, and I don't need to talk about adult Aegon, do I? I genuinely feel like the first season as a whole did its best to say "he sucks, he has no redeeming qualities, do not support". And it's so stupid, because people would've supported Rhaenyra regardless. She has an actual plight trying to ascend as the first queen in her own name. But the showrunners will masquerade Aegon II as a grey character while writing his actions and words as morally black as the night to act as if they don't have a favorite side. I don't know. I hope Tom managed to plant so ideas in their head as to how to handle him better, I do hope we get some sort of character development after the initial events of S2, but in the matter of being truly sympathetic in any way and morally ambigious they already shot themselves in the foot.

[blysse-and-blunder]

in lieu of a rainy day

10pm, sunday, nov 26, 2023

went to a gig for a friend's band last night, but otherwise it's been an extremely lowkey and indoor weekend. living that housecat lifestyle. aside from the sunday scaries (but, like, for the semester....for the year....) all in all the past week+ has been Okay. whoever is in charge of my calendar (which is me) made a pretty big gamble booking three-four medical-esque appointments back-to-back-to-back this week, but it paid off, we got through it, and the decks are cleared (so to speak) for writing between now and the holidays.

reading i got briefly very into freya marske's books a marvellous light and now a restless truth, though i will admit to having calmed (slowed) down a lot in reading the sequel, after tearing through the first one like there was a deadline. the world building and magic system are very fun, i am a big fan of the aesthetic; they're extremely sexy but not at the expense of plot or dialogue or characters' having their own real personalities, flaws and hobbies and all. excited to read the third one.

listening a quick skim of the previous few ilcb entries (have there really only been three all fall, dear me) to check i hadn't already posted this, and it doesn't seem like it? so, gregory alan isakov with the colorado symphony. the additional strings, the additional brass, it adds such a gorgeous dimension to this already pretty good song; the way things build from 1:20 on or so, to burst into full color and light from 1:59 to 2:14.... i've turned a few afternoons around lately just leaning into that orchestra swell in my headphones. wish it lasted a full 10 minutes, wish it had multiple movements.

watching more burrow's end; finished arcane season 1 with @hematiterings and began watching the first season of stranger things since she's never seen it; the nostalgia and affection i feel! the real satisfaction in how good season 1 is, how young they all are!! also started season 2 of slings and arrows with the housemates, which is new territory for me and which is similarly filling me with affection for characters i've known a long time, and fascination at seeing them doing new things and making new bad decisions. also started the second season of wheel of time on my own, as background while doing some unpaid graphic design/newsletter prep; my gratitude for this show making something so rich and visually interesting and real out of the books is unabated, even though i'm not feeling anyone's storyline very intensely at the moment. rand meeting logain was cool; perrin has been captured and that's bad; mat is now traveling with min, which is also cool because it's probably a set-up; i'm sorry that nynaeve had such a hard time in the arches but her romance subplot with lan has always left me extremely cold; moiraine is being frustrating! the show has a nice way of showing us other characters, minor characters, too-- moiraine's sister, for one, and starting that encounter by showing us her sister's morning routine, clarifying the difference in their ages where one is aes sedai and aging very, very differently. egwene and the daughter heir are in a magical boarding school subplot which is surprisingly delightful.

playing dnd campaign a had a session for the first time in aaaaages not too long ago, and it was good. spoke to the gods briefly, got started trying to appease them with sports as opposed to human sacrifice, and ended the night beta testing a phone-based game a friend of the dm's wanted us to try which involved a lot of bluffing and bs and laughter. campaign b, meanwhile, is in combat with some were creatures; @dimir-charmer's character has maintained this whole time that she is Not a Werewolf but circumstances may be, in fact, conspiring against her...... worrying!

making not a whole lot. i bought a box of cards since the closest thing i've come to a hobby recently has been sending a few cards (well, one and a half); i feel the pull of stickers and sealing wax and stamps.... wandered through an art supply store only a little while ago and came so close to buying the vinyl stamp making kit, but the only paint i could find to go with vinyl stamps was metallic so i decided to wait. contemplating making potato stamps, like i do every year around this time, but again the ink or paint or whatever is the limiting factor there.

working on taught my second and final guest lecture of the semester! read back through the written feedback on my conference paper! have started to look at integrating said paper back into the chapter whence it came, and had to have a little lie-down, but that's the big project remaining. at the same time, the running commentary at the back of my brain is about lecture prep for the course i'm teaching in the spring, specifically, what i'll say to situate/contextualize/prepare students to handle the material, how i'll thread various needles, which texts i'm going to ultimately assign, and on and on. i've started trying to turn this background noise into brainstorming/writing/limited, focused bursts of work on said course, in the hopes that getting a little of it out of the way will let me brain settle back in to other projects afterwards. i've also realized i've started doing the Discretionary stuff first, i.e. the reading extra articles, the looking at post docs or awards or things to apply for, the stuff that won't happen if i don't allow myself 15 min to look into it, because the Actual Work will be enforced, it will have to happen eventually, and the discretionary stuff won't. jury's very much out as to whether this will pay off, especially when it's not discretionary work at all, but discretionary attending-a-lecture time, or -coffee-with-a-friend time, or discretionary-at-the-gym time. time spent with the cat, of course, is non-discretionary.

[wutheringmights]

So, I read Lightlark by Alex Aster, and of course it's bad! I was there when the drama surrounding this book first happened. I read crow-caller's review! I knew what I was getting into.

That being said, a part of me was half-convinced that the badness of this book was over hyped. There was no way such a perfect shit storm of bad writing could actually occur. Something had to have been over exaggerated.

And... nah. It's perfectly hyped. The plot is nonsensical. The characters are nothing. It's reads like the first draft where the author is just throwing spaghetti at the wall to just get through the ordeal, only to never revise in order to weave in foreshadowing or fix plot holes.

The really infuriating thing is that a once-a-century death game populated by the heirs of various kingdoms in a bid to prevent their kingdoms from being cursed is a really fun idea. From that description alone, I already got a billion plot and character ideas. Lightlark doesn't even do it's core concept well. Fuck, the core concept isn't even there. But the book is so infamous that no one can take the idea and do something with it without being known as a Lightlark ripoff.

Every time I read a bad book, I try to use it as an opportunity to reflect on my own writing and see where I can improve. Lightlark is an interesting case in that the prose isn't 100% terrible. Some of the imagery so pretty effective, and you can tell that Aster has written something before this. Where it's not effective is when Aster tried a motif or image and didn't succeed. I have more sympathy for this than I should since there are plenty of times I have gotten too over ambitious with my imagery and ended up writing a big stinker.

That's not to excuse the sun being a "yolky thing," though. That's a really bad piece of imagery turned into foreshadowing, and for that reason alone, it's used constantly. Ugh.

But the imagery isn't my real concern. It's the overwriting. Aster has no faith that the reader can remember anything about the plot or stakes, and will have Isla restate plot points and her motivations endlessly. It's really infuriating having to wade through it while trying to get through the plot.

But that form of overwriting is also something I do. On one hand, I do this because CTB chapters release weeks apart and things from two years ago suddenly become relevant; I lean towards trying to remind the readers of old information so that they don't get confused in the moment. On the other hand, a lot of this overwriting is evidence of me trying to work out a plot point as I am writing it; sometimes, something doesn't make sense to me until I've written out the evidence to support it.

I need to get better at editing these moments out so that scenes are less cluttered and readers are less infuriated.

But, yeah. I read Lightlark. It wasn't really worth my time, but it was still better than Sasha Alsberg's Breaking Time. 1 out of 5 stars.

[wilchur]

I don’t even go here but your replies to deepdragons were so needlessly hostile.

“If you found it so disrespectful then why didn’t you block me?” This is childish and hypocritical. If you found their take so bad, why did you go out of your way to go to their blog, find the post, and then argue with them? Why didn’t YOU block them first so you wouldn’t have to see their takes? Why do people need to block you, to actively prevent you from interacting with them entirely, for you to not be rude to them?

People will have shitty takes and you will not agree with every post you see — that’s the nature of fandom. You can’t control how other people post or think and that’s annoying, I get it, but YOU can control how you interact with others. The way you were speaking to that person was so needlessly rude and hostile. Is that how you speak to people in real life? I’m so curious as to what your goal was in talking to them like that. Surely it wasn’t to convince any one of anything. Who would want to agree with someone being so dickish and annoying about something as inconsequential as the politics of elven aging? So, what was all of that for? Did that make you happy or have you just riled yourself up? Do you feel like you accomplished something by speaking to someone like that?

I really hate when people tear others apart for being wrong about fandom things. If you were wrong about something, do you think you would appreciate someone talking to you in the way you spoke to deepdragons? Or would you rather they approach you with respect and understanding? Golden rule and all that, yeah?

You did not have to seek them out and you did not have to engage with them. Next time, either speak to others with respect or just make your own goddamn post. Not everything needs to be a debate.

I also find it funny how you were coming at them for not being faithful for the lore or whatever and then, when someone with more textual evidence than you rebutted your statements and called for you to back up your claims, you were like “I can’t be expected to cite all of my claims like an academic paper!!” Fucking lol. The onus of proof lies only with the people you disagree with, huh?

Have you seen the original post? I'm guessing not because then you'd know that my reply pretty much mirrored the exact condescending tone used by the OP. I also didn't "go out of my way" to do anything. I've said so before and I'll repeat it again: I got an error while reblogging the OG post, went to check the person's blog for what's up with that and the first thing I saw was them calling people stupid for pointing out that They're Not Correct. I already had the post written at that point and I simply copied it from one tab to another. This is the internet, you post something publicly people can and will interact with it unless you stop them. I didn't block the OP because at the time I did not give a shit if they interacted with me or not, I was just setting straight misinfo I see regurgitated over and over again to the point I'm sick of it. Because of the attitude they displayed I was actually fully expecting to get blocked straight away myself.

I'm not actually a dick unless someone annoys me into it. Because sometimes people get annoyed and they're rude, that's just how people work. But I guess you know that? Since you're annoyed at me and wrote a whole essay trying to make me feel bad?

And just to finish this off.. none of my statements were rebutted. I got lore dumped on and half of it wasn't even interpreted correctly from the linked books. Yes, I don't need to cite like it's an academic paper because all the goddamn info needed was already in my first post. Astarion was not a child because he was a grown ass man with a government job. There's no basis for "Ascended Vampires can't love" because Larian homebrews their vampires so the written lore doesn't apply. That's literally it. People on this site just can't fucking read.

[icedmetaltea]

Welp I just found out I have $700 I have to pay before May 11 for school bc apparently I withdrew after the refund date. I've done that before and never had a fee so idk wtf happened but I made some calls and they said since it wasn't the end of the semester it wasn't even the full amount so it'd probably be higher...

I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. This is already after I got denied for ebt twice since I can't work so not only do I have to worry about feeding myself but now I have to worry about going into debt

I can't even begin trying to get on ssi til I can get set up with a doctor and even then I don't know if I'll be eligible bc mental illnesses from what I hear aren't usually "disabled" enough and even if I am it could take months for it to process- if it's even accepted

(tw for suicidal thought stuff)

Suicide is reaaaaaaally starting to feel like a viable option. I've been telling myself it's a permanent solution for a temporary problem but like... my problems aren't temporary. They just keep coming and they just keep getting bigger. Even if they pass, what do I have to live for? All my dreams have fallen through the cracks.

I would never be able to finish college (I'm never signing up for another college class so they can fuck me over again, that's for sure) and even if I did I have no real passions

I'm not strong or smart or attractive or talented. I'm just a burden, a waste of space, someone that will always rely on others... and my parents will die one day, they won't be able to pay for the apartment anymore, I'll go homeless (like maybe my sister could take me in but even she's on ebt these days, the economy is so fucked)

It's not like the world is going to get better anytime soon anyway... it's this or wait for climate change and/or capitalism to kill me off. My dad died of a heart attack mainly due to the stress of work, even if I somehow got my anxiety under control enough to work I'd probably die the same way. What's the point? To be a minimum wage slave the rest of my life? When half the population of my country hates me for being poor? Do you even know how many people don't even think anxiety is real???

Well the feeling of slowly being strangled almost every fucking is very fucking real to me, feeling my ribs clamp down on me, a glass pane in front of my eyes whenever I dissociate, it's gotten to the point where half the time these past few weeks I don't even feel like my body is my own. I talk and it feels distant and foreign.

So yea... rn I'm just trying to hold onto small things. Reading a couple nice books while I can. Listening to nice music while I can. Hanging out with my friends while I can. Because I think soon I may have to leave for good

[lambergeier]

2022 book post FINALLY

this post is six weeks late because, frankly, i was on my honeymoon over new years and its hard to get up the will to type all this shit when everyone has already posted their book lists ages ago!! but also i read a lot of good books last year and wish to gloat, so here we are. italics are rereads, bold are my favorites, asterisks denote not-prose, and reviews are interspersed throughout as i felt like it:

January

No One is Talking About This - Patricia Lockwood (this book made me cry so hard lmao. first part is a sickeningly true-to-life depiction of Being A Blue Check Person and then the second part makes you cry so bad.)

Sorrowland - Rivers Solomon (what the fuck happened to the last third of this book? what shit-ass x-men knock-off did it come from?)

What Soldiers Do: Sex and the American GI in World War II France - Mary Louise Roberts (got on a whole ww2 history kick because, gotta be real, i watched all of band of brothers during winter break 2021-2022 and developed a bug up my ass. pulled this off the shelf at the library on a whim and it was STUNNING. excellently, thoroughly told history of sex, venereal disease, and race among american GIs in normany following the invasion. would read anything roberts now.)

How to Blow Up a Pipeline - Andreas Malm

Hello, Sailor: The hidden history of gay life at sea - Paul Baker and Jo Stanley

Coming Out Under Fire: The History of Gay Men and Women in World War II - Allan Berube (another excellent ww2 book, frequently quoted on this site and for good reason. not written by a historian, so incredibly easy and engaging to read, that presents you with just this amazing overview of how modern american queer identity was totally, inextricably shaped by the us military and the experience of being part of it or even just near it lmao)

February

Possession - A.S. Byatt (really really lovely romance that was such a consistent pleasure to read that i got to the end basically unable to remember favorite lines or even scenes i was just like mmmmmmmm. book good.)

Uncanny Valley - Anna Wiener

Howl’s Moving Castle - Diana Wynne Jones

The Verge: Reformation, Renaissance, and Forty Years that Shook the World - Patrick Wyman (this book sucked ass we gotta stop giving podcasters history books)

Watership Down - Richard Adams (so fucked up. loved this. love that we give this to children to read.)

Dead Collections - Isaac Fellman

March

The Hidden Palace - Helene Wecker (much better than its prequel, imho! resolved many pacing issues but lost no heart!)

The Vanishing Half - Britt Bennet (part of the reason i managed to read so much this year is that i had to drive a lot for work and started putting audiobooks on in the car, having never been an audiobook person before. i listened almost entirely to contemporary litfic this way, a genre i also had not previously engage with, and this was both a fascinating entry into an entire other world of books and also kinda boring sometimes lmao. vanishing half was good, certainly better than some of the other stuff i ended up listening to, but still not something i would have finished if i weren't in the car)

The Reformation - Patrick Collinson (this bitch was so funny his preface to the book was 'i didn't list any sources because i've been teaching this topic for 60 years. the source is Me.' anyways almost totally unreadable but did provide me some good context on the counter-reformation, which i want to learn more about.)

Fleischman is in Trouble - Taffy Brodesser-Akner

Home Baked - Alia Volz (soooooo good all bay area homies please read this)

River of Stars - Vanessa Hua

April

Light from Uncommon Stars - Ryka Aoki (INSANE BOOK. SO FUN.)

*Death of a Salesman - Arthur Miller

Book of Dust - Phillip Pullman

Gold Diggers - Sanjena Sathian

*Angels in America - Tony Kushner (disconnected me from reality for like 24 straight hours. scared to reread it.)

Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen (read this in high school and hated it because i was a DUMB TEENAGER!! THIS BOOK IS SO FUNNY!!)

Good Omens - Terry Pratchett

Fifth Elephant - Terry Pratchett

May

Mexican Gothic - Silvia Moreno-Garcia (strongly eh.)

Oh the Glory of it All - Sean Wilsey (loved it but feels impossible to recommend.)

Magic for Liars - Sarah Gailey

Foundation - Isaac Asimov (absolutely fascinating as like, a history of the genre thing, even if i only "enjoyed" reading the first two or three stories lol. also, HE COULDN'T PREDICT FIAT CURRENCY?? ACTUAL PLOT POINT THAT THERE AREN'T ENOUGH METALS ON THE PLANET TO MINT COINS???? reader i lost my mind.)

June

All the Pretty Horses - Cormac McCarthy (all the pretty horses my insane high school problematic fave. i will never read the sequels)

Have His Carcase - Dorothy L. Sayers

The Power - Naomi Alderman (as i said on private twitter after rereading, this book makes me sick to my stomach not because of the gender shit, which is like, i know what the book's about that's what it's about it's not gonna be a different book, but christ it's so bleak. love an oral history style but i gave my copy away once i finished lmao.)

Murder Must Advertise - Dorothy L. Sayers

July

Such a Fun Age - Kiley Reid (great audiobook narrator, and a very funny book)

Several People are Typing - Calvin Kasulke (PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS AUDIOBOOK THEY HIRED A FULL RADIO-PLAY STYLE CAST AND SURE THE ACTUAL STORY DOESN'T STICK THE LANDING BUT IT'S SO FUNNY. i finished it on my own and immediately put it back on for emma to enjoy. so good.)

They Were Her Property: White Women as Slave Owners in the American South - Stephanie Jones-Rogers

Hawk Mountain - Conner Habib (oughhhhouguhughuhghh the dread. great book. wretched creeping horror. queer, if that matters. gives you the Dread.)

There, There - Tommy Orange

August

If an Egyptian Can’t Speak English - Noor Naga (experimental fiction, i listened to it on audiobook and actually missed a lot of what it was doing in print but still incredibly good. absolute sucker punch of an ending.)

The Loneliest Americans - Jay Caspian King

Encounters at the Heart of the World: A History of the Mandan People - Elizabeth Fenn (great clear thorough history of the mandan nation of the upper missouri river, really enjoyed this.)

An Immense World: How Animal Senses Reveal the Hidden Realms Around Us - Ed Yong (ed yong is the best science writer working today and this book was tremendous. i quoted like every other line of it to emma and she still went and borrowed it as soon as i was done. we immediately bought a copy for the house.)

Sheer Misery: Soldiers in Battle in WWII - Mary Louise Roberts

September

Black Sun - Rebecca Roanhorse (damn so much modern sff is bad)

I Contain Multitudes: The Microbes Within Us and a Grander View of Life - Ed Yong (not as good as the animal book but still VERY good)

Dark Rise - C.S. Pacat (unfuckingreadable. a masterclass of incoherent bullshit)

Nona the Ninth - taz lol (this should not have been its own book.)

*Ducks - Kate Beaton (cannot recommend highly enough. intense subject matter, also made me cry many times, but holy shit ms beaton you killed it with this one)

Unreleased Friend Book that I Love So Bad (soon!!)

Normal People - Sally Rooney

October

Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger (another book i haven't reread since high school holden ilu. you are my little problems boy)

Pachinko - Min Jin Lee (read it all in one day while on various airplanes. what a BOOK)

Half of a Yellow Sun - Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Foundation - Mercedes Lackey (thus begins the valdemar stage of the year)

My Year of Rest and Relaxation - Ottessa Moshfegh (uh. would not recommend.)

November

Devil House - John Darnielle (ur crazy for this one mr mountain goats. still don't know if it was good or bad lol.)

Arrows of the Queen - Mercedes Lackey

Arrows Flight - Mercedes Lackey

Arrows Fall - Mercedes Lackey

Magic’s Pawn - Mercedes Lackey (vanyel i love you)

December

Magic’s Promise - Mercedes Lackey (vanyel i'm obsessed with you)

Empire of Wild - Cherie Dimaline

Magic’s Price - Mercedes Lackey (oh misty we did NOT stick the landing here. rip to vanyel.)

Winter Counts - David Heska Wanbli Weiden

Neuromancer - William Gibson (loved so many individual sentences and, like foundation, a very interesting work for understanding the history of the genre. however in many ways, totally incomprehensible.)

total books: 66!!! nice work, me! really enjoyed how much i read in 2022 and how generally varied it was and after a long while of not reading too much at all, it's been very nice being back in the swing of it. also god non-fiction is so good. i can't read it particularly fast but every time i read a good one i enjoy it so immensely. look forward to reading more of it this year!!!

AND, FINALLY, A SHOUT OUT TO THE WORST DNF OF 2022:

The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by V.E. Schwab sucks shit.