#but frankly that's tied to the writers not knowing how to pace their story and shying away from topics of race and colonialism

[pulsingvoid]

as much as i love to criticize yellowjackets as i frankly think it's a fumbled attempt at an intriguing premise i CANNOT get behind the "yellowjackets is not as gay as advertised" crowd. i'm not even personally that invested in shauna/jackie and i know there have been dismissive comments from certain actors about the nature of their relationship and well rip to those people i guess because reading shauna/jackie as anything other than a budding lesbian romance tragically cut off before it could bloom is just. wrong? it's not even subtextual, it transcends the text, it's the most important relationship in the story, it IS the story, at the heart of every single thing that happens or doesn't happen is that these two girls were in deep lesbian love with each other. there is no other way to read it if you try to complicate or simplify it by making it about jealousy or identity or friendship you lose both the core sexual desire and the deep romantic love that were (and still are) driving and twisting and softening and ruining everything around these young women

[takaraphoenix]

Ship game!! What about Nico and Will?? It’s pretty popular, but I don’t think I’ve seen you write much of it…

That's an interesting one in that I have vocalized my reasons for disliking it way back when it first became popular but instead of just linking that, it has been years so I think it's time for an updated version.

Firstly: This post is gonna be properly tagged and not crosstagged so if any shipper comes across it and feels the need to bitch about it, just don't; your lack of curating your own tumblr experience is not my problem! ;D

Now, there are three key factors that play into my dislike of this ship: How it was written, what it represents, how the fandom around it acts.

1. It’s rushed and uncomfortable

In BoO, it was incredibly rushed. They had literally five sentences of interactions before they walked into the literal sunset together. Five. It was just entirely born from Riordan's Noah's Ark Complex, where he just can't let people be single. The series was ending and he needed Nico to have an endgame so he rushed into some random romance with zero build-up.

The way their interactions went down was also severely uncomfortable for me. Will was acting so offended by Nico not wanting to go to camp and be friends in an entitled way that he had no right to be, he downright guilt-tripped Nico about how he had wanted to be friends. Nico has been just so severely traumatized at such a young age and his coping mechanism, as unhealthy as it was, was to run away and hide. Will acted like Nico not wanting to form attachments to people who could potentially leave him again was somehow just an Edgy Emo Decision and not a direct reaction to his trauma. His entire approach to Nico was basically all these hippie posts of "Don't have depression!! Just go out into the sun and stop being depressed!", which is already a bad take with non-medical people but he's supposed to be a doctor (and let's not get into the shadiness of him technically being Nico's doctor).

There is also an inherent "I can fix him" angle to this ship and to me, only few ship dynamics are more uncomfortable than that. If you want to fundamentally change a person's behavior and personality, you... don't actually want to be with this person.

Now, here's where my points overlap, because the following parts of their writing that bothers me also stand for what this ship fundamentally represents.

2. Solangelo is a queer ship written by and for straights

I'm a queer woman and as a queer woman, I want queer wish-fulfillment, not what straights want out of queerness. I'm kind of tired of that, I've been sitting through it for enough decades now. That's, of course, not to say that no straight writer can give proper queer representation, but far too often do straight writers - even the most well-meaning ones - project straight desires of queerness into their queer representation.

Let me explain that closer through this ship.

Nico's been in love with Percy for years and I'm going to do my best to not hijack this post with some Percico agenda; that's not what this his about, this isn't some "my ship is better than your ship" ship-war nonsense. It's simply a canonical fact that Nico has had romantic feelings for another character for years.

A character who, in this medium, is heterosexual. And if you're queer, you've been there. In love with your straight best friend. It's a cliche, but it's a cliche for a reason.

We have also all been well-meaningly rejected by said straight friend.

And here's the straight desires for you: The queer person who was in love with a straight person just immediately stops having those feelings and will then as quickly as possible fall in love with the next queer person they meet to be happy and no longer uncomfortably in love with a straight person, because that thought makes the straights uncomfortable.

Queer wish-fulfillment would be for Percy to return those feelings, for the queer character to get his first love, to not be rejected. That thing queer teens always dreamed about for themselves.

Aside from the wish-fulfillment angle, the pacing is another problem. Let me repeat, Nico was in love for years. But a five sentence conversation with Will once causes a crush on Will and we see him physically turn away from Percy and toward Will just immediately to rebound and actually fall out of love with Percy and in love with Will. Anyone who's ever been unlucky in love will attest to just how unrealistic and ridiculous the pacing here is.

It's also straight queerness in another respect; Nico has been the first ever queer character we meet in that world. He loves a straight guy - and to get over that, we introduce the second queer character. Because heaven forbid there are multiple queers to pick from. No, in straight-written queer romances, there is always that one main queer and then they introduce a second one and the two just immediately hit it off and develop a romance like all a queer person needs to form attraction to someone is the confirmation that the other person shares your sexuality.

Also the notable gay guy on gay guy ship here, whereas the more queer-wish-fulfillment option would have also included more nuance to the queer experience, because Percy doesn't have to be heterosexual just because he has only been with girls so far. It's a very old-fashioned - think 90s and early 2000s - kind of straight-written queerness that there are only exactly two homosexuals and that those two homosexuals then pair up.

And, listen, I'm not immune to these outdated straight-written queers entirely, I have many such ships that I grew up with that I am still fond of because they were groundbreaking at that time and they weren't outdated yet back when they happened in said 90s and early 2000s. I am however a grown woman now and just like I have grown, so has queer rep so I am not as easily baited into falling onto my knees in gratitude for canon rep. You have to go with the times. And this ship, by all that is given to us, is just entirely outdated straight-written rep.

Which, I mention earlier that even straight-written rep can be good. If the author tries. Riordan doesn't really try though; he does the bare minimum when he writes any of his rep - and there have been many, many more qualified voices being very vocal about his depiction of people of color and, as a woman, I've been vocal about his depiction of women. I don't want to derail this post with all of that, but I do think that it bears mentioning that Riordan doing rep but only doing a bare minimum and not putting in the necessary work to deepen the representation he wants to give is a repeating pattern that has been pointed out many times by now.

(I’d also like to point out that no, it is not just the ship and not just the listed instances that make it straight-written rep for straights. It’s Nico’s entire queer arc, starting with his forced coming out. A severely traumatizing event that is completely brushed over because the straight author doesn’t understand the impact this has on queer people. Not to mention the framework; Nico’s coming out isn’t Nico’s story, it happens in Jason’s POV, it is given to us through the POV of the straight bystander who gets to be Best Ally by assuring Nico that being gay is okay. This kind of coming out is not a queer wish-fulfillment, it’s a straight wish-fulfillment of getting to be the straight savior, the ally to show the gay the light of acceptance. And, additional to the ridiculous pacing of how fast Nico gets over his love for Percy, Nico also gets over years of internalized homophobia just because of, I don’t know, Jason’s few encouraging words and the fact that Will paid attention to him? For a gay kid who was in the closet all his life, the nonchalant way in which he publicly confessed his crush to Percy at the end made absolutely no sense and was written as basically a joke, finished off with Nico literally high-fiving Percy’s girlfriend despite those two never having seen eye to eye before but this is straight wish-fulfillment so all straights are Super Allies, because that’s the way straights want to see themselves, even though Annabeth has shown before just how jealous she can be and she most definitely wouldn’t go around high-fiving people who confess to her boyfriend. Nothing about Nico’s queer arc in HoO felt natural or queer or satisfying.)

Sure, Solangelo on a surface level is big because it's a canon queer couple in a YA book-series and kudos for that and yay for the kids who get to grow up seeing queers in YA books, but I actually do think that kids growing up with books written in the 2010s shouldn't grow up with 1990s levels of representation, because the 2010s overall are actually at a far more nuanced and better level of representation when it comes to queerness. And I do reserve the right to quit on too straight-written and too outdated queer rep in a landscape where I can get more satisfying representation elsewhere; we don’t live in times anymore where you necessarily have to love every bit of rep because it’s the only one you get.

Now that we've gone through my first two gripes, let's wrap this up with the final point, because it also directly ties into this.

3. The new wave of antis hiding behind this ship

A huge part of the fandom is so busy kissing Riordan's ass solely for giving them queer rep at all they think that both the author and the ship are beyond flawless and that kind of attitude is not good. Just because an author includes rep doesn't make either perfect. Absolutely no one is beyond critique - especially not when said critique comes from the very people the author is representing. And even beyond any "valid" critique on the ship, quite frankly, someone should also be allowed to just not like it, without any reasons given at all.

But there is a certain... protective obsessiveness about this ship that doesn't allow a not liking. Very similar to how PJO bore this mindset around Perc/abeth already. It's okay to have OTPs, even OTPs that you have a blindspot for and just don't want to see any flaws in. It is however not okay to then go around attacking people who don't like the thing and mind their own business.

Solangelo's bred a new generation of antis in this fandom. And, particularly with the fact that this post too receives an "anti" tag, I feel like there needs to be a clarification (because tumblr likes to forget what actually makes an anti). Not liking something doesn't make you an anti, venting in properly tagged posts doesn't either; it's the people who harass others, who seek out the content they dislike to then complain that it even exists and who actively try to make others stop creating for it - those are antis.

And with Solangelo's popularity, there was a high rise in Percico antis, who sought it out, were unnecessarily nasty about it, harrassed creators and tried to enforce some kind of "Solangelo supremacy" that won't allow other ships for the characters.

I've been in fandom long enough to be perfectly aware that not all Solangelo shippers count into this category and that there are completely normal and nice Solangelo shippers, but this is a Venn diagram where the overlap between Solangelo shippers and antis is too large to not widely associate the nasty people with the ship itself. (I've been there myself, shipping the very ship behind which a fandom's antis all hid. The second-hand embarrassment of having these people give the ship a bad name is horrendous and I do feel bad for all the normal Solangelo shippers.)

The more often I encountered these people, who made Percico bad (sometimes in wildly ridiculous manners that bent and deliberately misinterpreted canon) and who in the same breath praised Solangelo high, the more tired I grew of that ship. It's a simple game of association, really. You see that linked to the gross and nasty behavior and you start associating the ship itself with that gross and nasty behavior - and with all the things I said before that already weighed into my dislike of the ship, this just was the final tipping point, really.

And that's it. That sums up why I dislike Solangelo. It was hastily rushed, uncomfortable in its execution, it is outdated rep that very much feels as straight-written as it factually is and it does not feel aimed at me as a queer person but rather at the straight audience and it has gathered a cult following of quite uncomfortable people who on their own would be reason enough to avoid it so you can avoid them.

Send me a ship and I will explain why I do or don't ship it

[stewblog]

The Green Knight

The Green Knight is stunning. It is confounding. It is enrapturing. It is ponderous. It is often all of these things at once.

An adaptation of the 14th century, anonymously written poem Sir Gawain and The Green Knight, it is the tale of a knight desperately attempting to earn the honor of his title. Writer/director David Lowery adorns all of it with some of the most stark, memorable visuals you’re likely to see in a movie this year. The film doesn’t always work, but I’ve nonetheless been unable to stop thinking about it since I walked out of the theater.

Dev Patel is Gawain, a carefree young man who seems more content to dally about with ale and women than he is at finding a way to earn his place among the knights at the Round Table of the king (Sean Harris). Until, that is, a strange knight issues a challenge on Christmas morning to the king and his court, a challenge that none save for Gawain have the courage to take. Or perhaps they know well enough not to. The green knight (Ralph Ineson) demands a challenger strike a blow against him, but in turn the challenger must then one year later allow that same blow be struck against them. Perhaps thinking that a killing strike would nullify such a commitment, Gawain beheads the green knight, only for the knight to then ride off laughing, his head literally in hand. Fast forward nearly a full year later and the king compels Gawain to fulfill his end of the bargain, and thus the freshly knighted lad begins his quest to seek out the knight at the Green Chapel.

Almost as soon as Gawain leaves the confines of the castle and embarks on his quest proper, it becomes apparent that this will not be a journey of high adventure, thrilling sword fights and heroic deeds. Quite the opposite, in fact. Gawain’s first encounter with unruly denizens of the world leaves him gagged and tied. This, Lowery assures us, will not be a fun time.

What the film actually is ends up something more cryptic in execution, in texture and thematically. There is no shortage of beautifully haunting visuals. The tone and texture evoked by the imagery is enrapturing. Dev Patel’s often wordless performance conveys so much internalized emotion. The film is a mesmerizing canvas with much to appreciate as multiple artists brush their contributions across it, all in harmony to bring this world of existential and physical decay into being.

But just what Lowery is trying to say through all of this at times feels as dense as the fog obscuring the landscape Gawain traverses. My best read on the film is that Lowery considers Gawain’s journey a metaphor for the weight of legacy and expectations. Two of the key changes he makes to the story are that Gawain is now a blood relation of the king (assumed, but never named, to be King Arthur), and that his mother is who uses witchcraft to summon the knight to begin with. Does Gawain accept the knight’s challenge because he feels he’s expected to live up to the legendary status of his half-uncle? At minimum, Lowery is using the story to work through some maternal issues. Either way, Lowery’s view of familial legacy is complicated at best, dismal and cynical at worst.

Both the king and queen, to say nothing of the land over which they rule, appear ashen and near-skeletal in their features. Any glory that once inhabited either the throne room or the kingdom beyond it has long since regressed and crumbled, making Gawain’s quest one of sheer obligation. Gawain claims he’s venturing off to earn honor and a place at the Round Table. But the concept of honor as presented in the film is only ever spoken of in its most basic terms. Never do we understand what it means to Gawain beyond him merely earning a title he is expected to inhabit. Honor, Lowery seems to say, is only earned through the courage of conviction as much as it is through the boldness of deed.

Coming to this conclusion was not without struggle, though. While rarely visually dull, the film’s pacing is often glacial at best. Gawain has a hard and fast deadline by which he must accomplish his task, but you wouldn’t know it given how ponderous his travels feel. There is a persistent feeling of dread that swirls throughout the proceedings, but it rarely if ever feels propulsive. Perhaps this is part of the metaphor Lowery is attempting to evoke regarding the weight of expectation. Gawain is compelled to complete his quest, but he (as young members of a generation often do) lacks direction and a propulsive reason to move forward beyond the fear of failure. Even if that is the intent, it doesn’t make the film an easier piece to watch.

Given the frustrating nature of it all, I find myself surprised at how much I still enjoyed it. I find myself eager to revisit it and look deeper into what it offers, if only because now I fully understand the scope of what the film both is and is not. This is in no way a movie for everyone and, quite frankly, I’m somewhat shocked that more people didn’t walk out of my screening.

But if you’re willing and able to engage with a movie that can often feel like homework there’s a lot here that is engaging enough to be worth digging into.

[aslanscompass]

messy thoughts on Harry Potter and logistics

I read somewhere once that stories are built on three components:

1. Characters

2. Worldbuilding

3. Plot

I mean, there’s a lot of three-part recipes they could use, but hey. let’s go with this one. 

And when people think of Harry Potter, what do they think of?

SCENES

Harry riding a broom for the first time

Running through the wall at Platform 9 3/4

Hagrid towering over the first years.

Rowling wrote outstanding characters who became larger than life while still remaining recognizable. Sure, Hermoine is the smartest witch of her generation, but she can still be a bossy know-it-all. Sure, Umbridge is an evil toad, but she’s also the worst teacher anyone ever had. 

Worldbuilding and plot?

Eeh, not so much.  What jobs do people have after graduation? Where do the amazing meals at Hogwarts come from? Why did the Dark Lord become so powerful in the first place? How does a community with a class average of 40 or 50 support multiple professional sports teams?

Eh, magic! It’s all showy set pieces and amazing cardboard backdrops. 

Now, one can say that it’s all /children’s/ stories, that it isn’t meant to be epic fantasy. And true, it started as a children’s story.

But it didn’t stay that way. The story is committed to being the story of the Boy Who Lived, not  the Magic School or the Wonderful Adventureland. And as the story grew, the worldbuilding didn’t keep pace.

---

Before Harry Potter (and still now to an extent) the big names in fantasy were Lewis and Tolkien. Tolkien was clearly and exhaustively committed to a full secondary world, with echoes but no clear ties to our own world, except in the deepest prehistory. Lewis, on the other hand, made a world that was openly and clearly drawn from our own, down to the physical lamppost and a simple wardrobe. Narnia was a world distinct from our own, with only a few incidents that could have impacted our history.

Harry Potter, on the other hand, is a world set openly in our own universe, if hidden from most people. A parallel world with at least a thousand years of events and history. And yet we are supposed to believe that NONE of the magical world’s events impacted our lives. This is plausible in the first few books, but becomes less and less likely as the story goes on, and becomes frankly ridiculous with the Fantastic Beasts stories.

The other big speculative franchises in the modern world are Star Trek, Star Wars, and Doctor Who.

Star Wars occurs in  ‘a galaxy far, far away,’ and thus has elements of human nature without direct historical impact.

Star Trek is set in an increasingly divergent future (ie Eugenics Wars of the 1990s). 

Doctor Who is the closest of the three to Harry Potter, with an additional, mostly unknown element of history and present events, but even the Doctor attempts to keep history on the right track and downplay his involvement.  And despite the variety of creators and writers, DW does allow events to affect both sides of the world. 

Just saying ‘it’s magic’ doesn’t absolve creators from putting thought and effort worldbuilding. And that’s where HP falls short for me. 

[princeanxious]

A random logicality fic i didnt realize I wanted to write until just now, that i can't write out into an organized fic story atm but I can ramble about its whole world and character settup! So like. Take this as a massive bullet point fic if you will, but, yknow, minus the bullet point part..

[[MORE]]

Some background info: this is an omegaverse idea BUT it primarily focuses on the worldbuilding, character dynamics, and relationship dynamics and doesnt focus or even really mention nsft stuff. At least not in this post! Another fact abt this au is that there are no betas in this au, just alphas and omegas representing as the primary biological differences. Same general biology applies, and there is this worlds own version of the LGBTQ+ community as well, ect ect.

Logan is a highclass omega that lives on a large estate and is the only omega, let alone male omega(which is uncommon in this au), in his well known family's current generation. Hes got two other older alpha siblings Thomas and Deceit(named Dorian in this fic) and theyre all p close to eachother and wellknown to the public for being anti-classist despite the rest of their highclass family's history of being generally snooty and classist and not very family-oriented. They probably run a big entertainment company named after the family line and thats where most of their wealth comes from. Their family surname is probably Sanders. Logan is like, an inch above normal height for an omega and is sort of a frail, lanky, and uber pale man who doesn't eat well and doesnt exercise often and doesnt get enough sunlight and is often bored out of his mind, frankly.(all of this is due to his parent's terrible job of raising him, both from the servants (unhappily)following their orders for his care and from their blatant disregard for his health and happiness as a male omega. His brothers and the servants do the best they can to sneak around the rules, at least for food and sneaking Logan books and candles to entertain himself late at night or in his freetime when they arent hanging out together)

Patton, on the other hand, is a mid-high class Alpha in a little less well-known(in comparison to the Sanders family at least) but still well-respected family in a slightly smaller estate, known from their history of being a long line of hardworking successful people and being a very big and far reaching family. They probably breed a few prized mostly pure-bred and cross-bred horse breeds (the ethical way of course). And perhaps they(at least at Patton's estate specifically) also have their own fruit tree plantation that is known for selling its fruit as well as making said fruit into jams to be sold locally. Theyre family also has ties in helping many local businesses as well as a few larger companies ect. ect. The main family branch name is Crofters. ;p Patton is a v tall boi, and like his father, works hard around the estate just as much as any other worker. He helps harvest fruit from the plantation when its time and gets to help turn a good portion of the fruit into their famous crofters jam, and he helps tend to the stables and horses and chores all around the estate, does lots of heavy lifting ect.ect. So. Tall buff boi who's v suntanned and v freckled and made of friendliness and sunshine smiles yknow?? Hes an only child with just a father by the time hes 21 and a ton of extended family but he makes an effort to check in and make sure the local youth and elderly are well taken care of.

So in this fic, like, these things that are sort of like coming-of-age courting parties/festivals are held? It's a big cultural thing that happens each season to allow un-courted young adults a chance to meet and socialize with other un-courted young adults at their own leisure and pace rather than being subjected to family-directed arranged courtings(which are mostly a thing of the past at this point for their culture)

So like, p much Thomas and Dorian have to step in to help Logan persuade their parents into letting them take Logan to a local coming-of-age festival bc his parents are like this close to just making Logan go through w/ an arranged courting from some other highclass alpha, bc omega males aren't as 'prized'(to the highclass) or seen as desirable as omega females so getting Logan to marry into another wealthy family solely for maintaining status and making wealthy ties is the only use they see for him. Which of course,, his alpha siblings are having none of that if they have anything to say about it.(and they do. Logan deserves as much freedom as they do if not more, especially at this point in their lives. And Dorian spends the whole walk back to their bedrooms venting about the stupidity and blatant sexism of the fact that Dorian and Thomas are freely allowed to go wherever and do whatever they please because they're Alphas, "but Logan can't and has to be escorted everywhere that he is allowed to go if he wants to go anywhere as if he doesnt have his own autonomy! Why can Thomas and I go to the festival's without any fuss or escort but Logan is almost two steps from forbidden to even chose his own attire for the day? Highclass society is bullshit!")

So, with the eventual hard-won mutual agreement that Thomas and Dorian will be Logan's direct and only escorts to the festival who will not be left alone(they wouldnt leave him alone anyway, though not out of thinking that Logan is a dependent helpless omega that needs to be attended to and directed at all times, bc they dont believe that like their parents do, its out of the fact that theyre not about to leave their two years younger baby brother who has virtually no experience in socializing, let alone making friends, alone in a loud activity-filled festival w/ a large amount of varied attendance.) They head off during the winter festival season(as Logan's 21st birthday was in late autumn) to at least introduce their own friends that they've met over the years to Logan(who many of them have heard about but never met previously due to their parents toxic outdated mindsets on how omegas needed to remain shielded from the world and obediant, so Logans only friends for the longest time were his brothers themselves and that was it.).

So, the cast fic placements sorta go like this: Dorian has his intentions set on courting this very chaotic very non-conforming omega male named Remus(bc really, both of them just wanna say fuck you to the Sanders' parents' outdated ideals of societal conformity, really. However, Dorian pursuing Remus is like 5% driven by saying suck it to society, 15% spite towards his parents, and 80% because Remus stole his heart the first time they met by being unabashedly himself and being super interested and forward towards Dorian without being patronizing or disgusted with his birth scars and blind eye. Remus without prompting settles up against Dorian's blindside at all times when in public to work as a barrier to others sneaking up on the visually impaired alpha, all unprompted. Remus really really likes Dorian, and the feeling is mutual.) And! it works out bc even tho Remus is about as wild and as independant and inobedient and non-fragile and as far from the rest of the perfect omega stereotypes as they get, he's part of a family that is even higher in status than the Sanders family. Remus and his twin Roman are both male omegas born into a wealthy and publicly generous family that honestly is probably the most well known in the entertainment industry for its long line of professional actors, singers, and popular film/stage play writer and producers. Remus and Roman are naturally charismatic, Roman being a talented singer and trained actor while Remus dabbles in script writing and producing. Their mothers are respectively an omega and alpha and have their own accomplishments. And, are infact very progressive, and they plan to hand off the company to Roman and Remus to run when the twins are ready to, marriage not required. So, like. The Sanders parents cant exactly find a reason not to let Dorian pursue Remus without being openly obvious in their conservative views about omegas. (Which The Twins' parents already know about through Remus's recountings of Dorian's venting abt Logan's childhood mistreatment) so, safe to say, everyones in on pissing off the Sanders family in ways that they can't openly be mad about.

Anyways, to tie this all back in, the festivals mentioned above are both for meeting mutually un-courted young adults/adults and also for individuals to pursue courting who they want to court without family/class bias ect. (So like, un-courted/non-courting individuals dress/wear a main article in a certain color, while courted/courting individuals wear any other colors but that color, and said color depends on what season its in, and this coloring isn't something that varries from town to town, its universal in their culture. For Spring, un-courted individuals wear Green, in fall its Orange, in Summer its Yellow, and in Winter its Blue. And thats how you differentiate) so Thomas and Dee return to attend each of the seasonal festivals to court who theyre pursuing as a special time alone from either family watching as well as it being another way of meeting up with their friendgroup to have fun.

So, through Dorian, Logan finally meets Roman and Remus, and honestly its a real struggle for them to get along at first bc Roman and Remus are loud and brash and opinionated and independent, and rather unfiltered. And. Well, Logan grew up being trained to be the opposite, so he doesnt think they're compatible friends. But thats how he’s been raised to think. They lead and smother him in their conversation for a hot minute before realizing Logans just politely listening and not even attempting to join in, looking mildly uncomfy and out of his depth. And Romans a little offended before he remembers that what Remus relayed to him about Logan's uprising. So, Remus finds a way to get under Logans skin just enough to break down the polite walls that have been trained into him. Remus states stating false facts to Logan that he knows Logan knows are false and is able to get Logan just incredulous and heated enough to debate back. And Roman joins in just in time to change the subjects just a bit, and it takes some time but they get into a grove of getting Logan used to talking without being talked to, giving his own opinion on things without fear of repercussion and just generally conversating.(and they find, very smugly, that Logan can be just as loud and passionate about facts and his own thoughts and opinions if given the right outlet and the push to do it.) And it finally gets Logan to loosen up just a bit, to relax and smile and laugh(!!), and his brothers are just as excited for him bc Logan's finally getting to break out of his shell without the oppressive control of their parents directly looming over him.

So, okay okay, I'm getting to the logicality part, shhh, perfection takes time!! So, okay, I forgot to squeeze this in earlier but Thomas is courting Remy, whos a talented and smart as fuck, independent male omega from a family from their neighboring country. Remy has a big fam, but hes the head in charge out of all his siblings, ect ect. He’s an omega and the oldest, with three younger alpha siblings and one younger omega sibling. His parents are headstrong people who’ve raised a take-no-shit omega who will not be pushed around and will gladly do his own thing, thank you. If we’re being honest, its really Remy courting Thomas, whos a big-hearted softy introverted Alpha, like they are mutually interested in one another but Remy is a massive extrovert and theres no misunderstanding whose taking charge when theyre together. Remy’s existance alone is enough to Piss off the Sanders Family parents, especially after Remus enters the picture, however.. Remy takes it to the next level by being the more incharge, natural born leader, therefor flipping the old dominant alpha and obedient omega sterotype on its head. Thomas is happy to piss them off in doing it bc letting Remy take the lead makes Remy happy and keeps Remy from getting ansy and makes him happy bc he was never going to fully fit the dominant alpha sterotype anyways. Further still, out of the three siblings that are part of the Sanders family, only Thomas keeps the Sanders surname name in the end, as Dorian plans to take Remus’s and (future)Logan plans to take Patton’s surname. Which sets them up for: Remy chosing to take the Sanders Surname therefore becoming a direct part of the Sanders family name lineage, which the parents have no say over bc its technically up to Thomas by law, who gives Remy the option to chose on his own, ect.

Okay okay, w/ that set up, lets move forward.

Its p much a one-by-one meeting basis as Logan meets Dorian and Thomas’s partners and friends. So, Roman, Remus, and Remy all p much take Logan under their collective wing as soon-to-be omega brother-in-laws do. They all realize they’ve got a lot to teach Logan, and more importantly, kinda really need to get him courting soon bc Logan really needs to get out of that toxic household. They’re planning to keep it slowish bc Logan doesn’t know quite yet how to talk to people that arent his brothers, let alone have any knowhow on consentual courting?? But yeah, they’re keeping an protective eye out alongside Dorian and Thomas while still letting approaching un-courted alphas and omegas come close enough to interact/flirt w/ Logan. About mid-day Roman’s courting partner finally arrives:

A slightly withdrawn, tall and quiet Alpha who looks fairly intimidating until Logan realizes just how anxious the lanky Alpha is and how Roman is definately leading when he needs to to keep Virgil from overthinking. They end up hitting it off very well, unsurprisingly. Virgil doesn’t really know Logan’s whole story like Remus does bc Roman didn’t know to tell him in time so it takes some catching up and trading of their home lives to get to speaking terms but, Logan is soon to be the Twin’s brother in-law soo.. that p much makes Logan his family to be anyhow, so. Safe to say Virgil plays a minor part in warding off all too-cocky alphas thinking theyre about to find an easy catch in approaching Logan. Though, realistically, its the fact that a small group of courting young-adults are guiding and staying w/ said un-courted young-adult that keeps Logan from getting approached too much. It may not have allowed him to get the full festival experience, but, its likely Logan would not have been able to handle the Full Experience, especially not on his own.

Finally, incomes Patton. Patton, wearing blue just like Logan, stands out because he approaches the group fearlessly and full of sunshine, going through and greeting each familiar face before he realizes Logan is a new part of the group and politely and warmly introduces himself. Though well known to the group through being Virgil’s longstanding childhood bestfriend and part of a very openly interactive and helpful w/ everyone around them family, this is actually Patton’s first coming-of-age festival, as he’d just turned 21 two weeks prior. And hes very excited to meet new people, he always is! He’s quick to tell Virgil that the jam they’d made earlier in the fall(it was tradition at this point that Virgil helped Patton with the jam making process every year) had been successful in sales and smiles, and hes content to ramble to Virgil about the progress of the stables’ new foals. Logan would have thought Patton had out-right forgotten about him had Patton not begun turning to ask Logan an excited question every minute or so. And he always listened to Logan’s answers completely with rapt attention before asking or saying something further.

Niether of them know they’d both had the same thought when they’d first seen the other. A very sappy, very flustered thought of ‘Oh god, he’s cute.’ The moment they’d made eye-contact.

And, well, Logan is a tad overwhelmed, for many reasons. For one, Patton, on the very surface, is very attractive. Tall and well-built, sunkissed and freckled with curly blond hair and a dashing smile that lit up his entire expression, and Logan couldn’t help mirror Patton’s infectious smile with a shy one of his own. Another was that Patton’s voice was warm, not too loud though it carried well, it was welcoming and unashamedly happy. Patton was patient and kind and friendly, yet still felt reminiscent of an excited puppy. He was unabashedly himself in the nicest of ways, and Logan’s heart kept fluttering everytime their eyes met, everytime Patton asks him a question or answers his own. Patton leads the conversation, but leaves plenty room for Logan to take his own direction if he pleases. He’s considerate and thoughtful and actually treating Logan like a person, not some dependent omega or a possible mate. And it definately doesn’t go unnoticed that Logan’s blushing and slightly flustered, but Patton doesn’t push about it, he just lets the conversation stop and go as they please as the group wanders around and take part in the festivities.

And.. well, the group does take notice that Patton and Logan have started ignoring outside signals of omegas and alphas that wanna get close and interact with either one of them, but they don’t tell them about it. Logan and Patton are pretty obviously interested in each other, and honestly no ones gonna interrupt them while they figure things out. Patton is the only one who definately doesn’t know about Logan’s situation, but he picks up on it’s cues pretty quickly and treads carefully without prodding, though Logan is upfront about himself being raised under opressive conservative ideals so hes pretty new to everything, but he leaves it at that for their first interaction.

P much they spend the rest of the festival together, Dorian and Thomas directly checking in once or twice to confirm Logan is doing okay and happy. Thomas is met with a soft “yes.. Is this what romantic attention feels like?” And Dorian gets “Yes, though i’m not sure how long i’m going to be able to keep functioning if he keeps smiling at me with his handsomeface.” Which these things are said obviously w/ Patton out of earshot And both brothers have to keep themselves from cackling bc their brother is very gay for Patton. And Patton is very openly gay for Logan right back, not that Logan really knows how to read that yet tho.

By the end of the festival, Logan just decides that he wants to pursue courting Patton, h’s very sure of it especially after bringing it up with Dorian and Thomas and getting their approval. Then Logan brings it up with Patton directly and it goes something like this:

Logan shyly but determained asks Patton if he would consider courting Logan, and Patton just smiles warmly and leans down to take Logan’s hand and kisses it. Then says “I did consider it, Lolo, and I’d be more than blessed to get to court you.” And Logan just blushes so bright he has to hide his face and Patton just laughs and hugs him.

Skipping forward, Patton gets the Sanders families hesitant approval to let him directly court Patton, which involves them sending Logan over to spend periods of time at Pattons estate, and Patton coming to stay with Logan at the Sanders estate during the other half of the time. Cue Patton learning just how bad Logan’s home situation is and would be without his brothers there to buffer some of it, and Patton stepping up to curb it back as well while being non-aggressive about it.

Cue Patton taking Logan to meet riding horses directly for the first time, as well as meet baby horses. He eases Logan into the concept of being free to do almost whatever he pleases while staying at the Crofters estate, which is pretty mild for the longest time but watching Logan smile excitedly when he got a new book, or got to walk around town with Patton, or got to say yes or no just because he finally could? It means all the world to Patton. Cue the scene of them resting under a tree near the front of the estate during the day, easily seen and watched but relaxing and napping atop of one another all the same. Logan’s head against Patton’s board chest, listening to Patton’s heartbeat while patton runs his hand through Logan’s hair. Then, Logan tenatively asking about laying out front to stargaze in the evening, and honestly the night they finally get to stargaze for the first time a few days later is when the really fully fall in love.

Cue Virgil coming to visit with Roman in tow when its that time of the year to make the famous Crofters jam, and Logan is staying over at the estate at the time. And Logan finally tries Crofters jam for the first time, as he’d been putting it off before as not being a jelly person. And he just. Finds he really really likes it, probably an inproper amount. Patton takes notice, and doesn’t hesitate to spoil Logan with it every once in a while. Logan also learns how to make Crofters jam, and it was alot of fun to do! Hes tuckered out by the end of it, but thats not surprising.

And okay. Another major fun plot point is that during times that Patton and Logan are staying at the sanders estate, Dorian and Remus, Thomas and Remy, and Roman and Virgil also often are found staying at the large estate, and its no coincidence. Now that Logan is being directly courted(and its going very well), Logan’s autonomy now falls under Patton’s command, not Logan’s parents. And, well, Patton lets him make his own decisions as long as they stick together, as Pattons not comfy leaving Logan alone unless hes with one of his brothers or their omegan mates(bc at this point, Remus and Dorian finished their yearlong courting and married and are official mates, and same goes for Thomas and Remy. ) and well. My favorite concept is that Logan now has the guidance of 3 firely independant omegas to help him learn to strive for the independant mindset that had been robbed from him in his youth. Safe to say, Logan comes out just as stubborn and independant and passionate as the other three. He just tends to be the one out of the four who is the most content with their alpha being a bit more in the lead on a daily basis.

Didn’t really think abt an ending too much but like, Logan and Patton get married and become mates and move to Patton’s estate permanantly and just being so happy and inlove with Patton. And everythings?? Good?? So yeah.

[iamkatehardy]

Abba (Alfie Solomons x Reader)

Request: Definitely in the mood for something with a Daddy Dom Alfie and a Little, obedient reader who's always trying to please her Daddy 🤤😍  ; As the anon who requested Daddy Dom Alfie, I suggest the scenario be Alfie having the reader tied up and just using her to blow off some steam 🤤 she's not allowed to cum, and when she does by accident, he punishes her with the overstimulation and has her orgasming repeatedly and she just has to lie there and take it for her Daddy omgggg 😍

Warnings: Smut; Mentions of cancer (First paragraphs only.)

A/N: This was supposed to be a drabble, but I got carried and now it’s almost 4k words  (almost exclusively smut)😂😂 Hope you enjoy it! (I’m not a smut writer, but I tried.) Let me know what you think!

  Abba

Everybody knew Alfie was sick. A couple close people told him to have a break, advising him to quit working so hard and make an effort to take care of himself, but he just wouldn’t listen. At least when he was swamped with work, he wouldn’t think about his deteriorating health as much as when he was home alone.

Cooking was difficult for him and his house was a complete mess, but honestly he no longer cared if he was living on a shit-hole, or about himself; he’d always refuse to let any of his sisters help him, considering they had their own families to worry about. He never wanted to be a burden, especially when he was sick; it would only make him feel even more powerless, which was something he frankly hated.

His sisters were, however, deeply worried about his condition and whether he would be well enough; if he kept dragging himself to his own circle of self-pity and self-condemnation, trying to keep everyone away from him, he probably wouldn’t. Whether Alfie liked it or not, they had come to a decision: they would hire a housekeeper to help them keep an eye on him.

In the beginning, it hadn’t been easy at all. You had to be extremely careful when dealing to him; not only he had a filthy temper, his trust was hard to earn and he would rarely let someone see the man inside. He didn’t get involved with people, he wouldn’t want to; that was only until you walked into his life. When you came into his life, it changed for the better; somehow, you brought him hope.

It wasn’t long before your relationship was beyond the professional realm; you both maintained an unusual physical and emotional bond that provided him all the comfort he could ask for, making him feel rejuvenated. You cared for each other on a genuine way.

Alfie saw you as his little girl and that was the only reason that kept him going. It had two sides; he loved to pamper you, make you feel special, protect you… But within four walls it was a complete different story, as he also loved to be strict and punish you, having the dominance he craved for.

There were times when he was down; on those days he would just stay late, working even after everybody left the bakery. Although he initially refused company, you just couldn’t let him alone in those moments, because you knew it was when he actually needed you the most.

Once he took too long to show up that night, you decided to visit him on the bakery. You knocked softly on the office door and poked your head into the room.

“May I come in?”

When he saw you at the door, he put the paperwork aside and removed his glasses, rubbing his tired eyes.

“What are you doing here at this ungodly hour, pet?”

“I’m bringing you your dinner.” – You closer the door and come closer, putting a couple food containers on his desk.

“Thank you, but you didn’t have to come, baby girl.” – Speaking softly, he gave you a warm smile and opened his arms for you to come to him.

“You work too much, Alfie, enough to forget yourself; and when you do, I’ll be here to look after you.” – In a second, you were sitting on his lap, affectionately fondling his messy hair. Gentle nibbling kisses covered his neck, then his jaw, before you finally stopped on his lips.

At the touch of your lips, he gasped with delight and his arms automatically encircled you, pulling you closer to him. Feeling lucky to have you there, he bent his head and blissfully slanted his lips over yours, losing himself in the kiss for a moment.

“Now, I’m not leaving until you eat every single bite, Alfie.”-  Gently grabbing his collar, you began planting small kisses all over his face.

“And who the fuck said I wanted you to leave, sweetie?” – A raspy chuckle escaped his delicious lips, as he tenderly bit your neck, setting your skin afire.

“Abba…” – The feel of his hot lips and the teasing flutter of his breath against your neck sent jolts of electricity down your spine, making you thoughtlessly whisper.

Abruptly, he grabbed your wrist; his original intention wasn’t to tease or fuck you, but whenever you called him daddy, he lost control. He could feel his desire to dominate you growing inside him.

“You know you make me feel things when you call me that, don’t you, kitten?” – His tongue danced slowly across his lips, as he met your gaze.

Rubbing your nose on his cheek and then on his nose, you just nodded sheepishly in acknowledgement. When his hands caressed your thighs and he made you straddle him, you could already feel the heat taking over your body, especially your core. As you gasped lowly against his mouth, your first reaction was to grind your hips against his hardness, aching to feel his body filling yours.

“Ah, fuck me.” – His desire overwhelmed him and he  gripped your ass tightly for moment, pulling your hard to his erection that grew by the second.

Instantaneously, your rationality was gone; leaning nearer, you quietly murmured in his ear, leaving a trail of wet kisses and small bites along the way.

“No, abba, fuck me. As only you can.”

All you could focus on was his smell that was driving you crazy, his blazing eyes devouring your whole body, his hands exploring the skin beneath your dress.

“You like to play with fucking fire, innit, pet?” – He pecked your lower lip, slightly nibbling on it, before tracing it with his tongue, asking for entrance.

“I know abba.” – While teasingly playing with his shirt buttons, your tongue danced on his, making his pulse soar.

“A’ight, you’re pushing your luck, baby girl.” – Tugging your hair back, until you arched your body towards his, he exposed your breasts with his free hand, cupping the fullness of them and running his tongue over the softness of your nipples.

“Alfie…” – As you reached between your legs and clumsily untied his pants, your hands trembled.

He pushed your hand away, unfastening his pants quickly and pushing them down. As he pushed your underwear to the side, your hands pumped his pulsating cock roughly, before positioning it in your wet entrance and sliding it inside you, finally feeling his every inch, as his swollen head dug inward.

Grunting loudly, he thrusted himself inside you rhythmically, slow but as deep as he could go.

Throwing your arms around his neck, you rode him slowly, your inner muscles clenching and unclenching to the rhythm of the ascent and descent. Craving for his touch, you looked lustfully into his eyes, before you desperately attacked his mouth. It was so sensational; the throbbing of exceptional his cock made you dizzy. His name left your lips on breathy sighs, in a frantic plea for more and more.

For whatever reason, in that moment he couldn’t punish you even if he wanted to. He just wanted to please you, to be one with you.  At times, he felt as if it was much more than just sex; it was the synchronized heartbeats, the need to savor your lips against his, the way time seemed to stop for him when he tried memorize your every feature.

“I love you, abba.” – Thoughtlessly whispering, you rested your forehead on his for several seconds, slowly intertwining your fingers on his.

“What the fuck did you just say, (Y/N)?” – He remained still inside you for a moment, grabbing your chin so you would look at him.

“I said I love…”

“I love you too, dove.”- Sweetly, he cupped you cheek and gave you a tender smile.

Still yearning for you, he tenderly wrapped his arms around your body, thrusting slowly in and out of you once again.  As you got closer to climax, your pussy tightened around him, heating up. Your shaky breaths against his lips and your fingers digging on his back told him all he needed to know; he increased the pace of his thrusts, until you trembled in his arms, drenching his manhood in your wetness as his spunk flooded your innards.

Before heading home, you just stayed in each other’s arms, completely taken by calmness and tenderness, unaware of how much time had actually gone by.

The following day, you woke up early; Alfie was still asleep so you quietly went to the kitchen to bake him a cake for breakfast. Humming lowly, you were whipping the batter when he came behind you, stealthily, wrapping his arms around your waist.

“FUCK.” – The fright made you jump and spill the batter over yourself. Closing your eyes, you took a deep breath.

“No cussing in the house, baby girl.” – Smirking playfully, he slowly slapped your ass.

“Fuck off.” – You rubbed some batter on his nose.

“Don’t push it, or I will punish you. And I fuckin’ promise you, I won’t be lenient this time, pet.”

When he mentioned punishing you, your insides tingled and desire throbbed through your veins.

“ Alright, abba…” – After putting the bowl aside, you teasingly caressed down his chest and stomach, stopping nearby his torso, just above his cock.

“(Y/N), what have I fucking told you about…”

“Shush…” – Gluing your lips on his, you slid one of the straps of your nightgown down your shoulder, letting it fall, to give him a full view of your bosom.

“What are you up to, baby girl?”

Slidding the other strap down your shoulder as well, you just shrugged, without a word. Your nightgown fell to your feet, revealing your naked body, in its entire splendor, to his appreciative eyes.

“You’re fuckin’ nuts, innit?” – His bewildered eyes were fixed on you, while having wild thoughts about touching you, caressing you, feeling you.

“Yes, I’m fairly crazy about you. So why don’t you come and take it, daddy?” – Walking backwards, you gestured for him to follow you.

He followed you to the bedroom. Every single time he tried to touch you, you moved away, watching his frustration grow and a look of impatience cross his features.

“Come here, pet.” – He growled huskily, his manhood becoming harder and needier.

Without a word, you laid back on the bed, eagerly spreading your legs wide for him.

“No, no, no. Get on your fours, baby girl.”

“Anything Abba sheli (my daddy) wants, I will gladly do.”

Once you positioned as he told you to, he used some of his old leather belts to tie your arms and legs to the bedframe.

“What did you think, baby girl? That you could fuckin’ tease me forever and get away with it, innit?” – He teasingly ran his thumb over your slit, giving your clit a light squeeze.

“No, daddy!” – In response to his touch, you instinctively jerked your ass up; your slippery pink pussy was obscenely open, ready for him. – “I misbehaved.” – You bit your lip so hard that you could swear you tasted blood.

“And what happens to bad girls, pet?” – Caressing your ass, he swirled one of his thick fingers inside you, until you moaned.

“They get punished, abba.”

“I can smell your arousal and it’s such a wonderful scent, sweetie.” – He said hoarsely, thrusting the finger inside you, painfully slowly.– “You’re wet for me, dying to be fucked hard, aren’t you?” – Laughing seductively, he undressed and stroked his length from tip to base slowly, while you watched.

“I fucking am.” – Your head fell back and your mouth was agape, almost watering for him. You could feel your pussy spasm with anticipation.

“Watch your mouth, pet.” – Placing himself behind you, he used his cock to tease your clit. The friction of your wet folds against his swollen cock head made your knees weaken. – “A’ight, you know the fucking rules, don’t you? You are not allowed to cum until I say so, understand?”

“I perfectly understand, Abba sheli.”

“Oh, you’re such a good girl, aren’t you?” – One of his hands slid up your back and gently gripped your hair, pulling your head back.

“Only for my daddy.” – You grinded your hips against him, taunting him.

“That’s what I like to hear, pet.” – Bending over you slightly, he guided his cock inside you; your wetness making it easier for him to stretch you open.

“Do anything you want to me. Please, be as rough as you want.” – Desperately grabbing the sheet in your clenched fists, you writhed under him.

“Heaven knows how tempting that offer is, sweetie.” – He roughly pounded into you, more times than you could count; with each thrust, your breath quickened with desire, turning him on more and more.

Feeling his cock pulsating inside you, you yelped. His hoarse moans of pleasure echoed through the whole house, as he found the perfect angle and his body slammed yours and fast and as fast as he could. His ragged breathing only ramped up your own desire , as his veiny cock was buried to the base inside your wet cunt, your muscles clamping tight around it; although you could feel it twitching and firing jet after jet of hot cum inside you, he wouldn’t stop thrusting.

If you told him you were nearly cumming, he’d stop, just to torture you; so you didn’t say a word. And before you knew it, it was as if the earth stopped moving, the only thing that existed was the heat and ecstatic pleasure between your legs. When the orgasm hit you,with the power of a train,  you weren’t ready for the massiveness of it; it was so intense your whole body shook and you screamed at the top of your lungs, in ecstasy, rolling your eyes to the back of your head. Climaxing violently, your pussy oozed out a mix of his cum and your own sweet juices that dribbled down your ass cheeks, your legs and his balls.

“What did I tell you?” – He slapped your ass cheeks hard.

“I couldn’t help it, daddy.” – You panted heavily; your eyes were closed and your knees were giving in.

“Bad girl. Do you know what happens when you break the fucking rules, dove?” – Flashing an evil seductive smile, he untied your arms and then your legs.

“I have a vague idea…” – You nodded, your head still buried on the pillow, trying to get your breath back.

“You’ll find out soon enough.” – Effortlessly, he turned your body around, making you face him, by grabbing your chin firmly.

You thought he was going to slide his cock until your throat, to clean the mess you made, like he usually did, but he had something else on his mind.

“So you wanna cum, innit?” – Squeezing your chin lightly, he lowered his head, to whisper in your ear. – “I’ll be fucking until you are sore and you’ll be cumming until next week.” – He nibbled your earlobe. – “I’ll leave you breathless. First, I’ll finger that little pussy and rub that bud until you fucking cum… And then, when your body is ready, aching to have me inside you, I will enter you and I won’t stop fucking that tight, wet, little pussy until the only thing you can do is to scream my name, to the point where your throat will also be sore. How do you like that, pet?”

The heat all over your body felt like a wildfire, it was hard to think and formulate an answer. The only thing you could think of was your pure animal need to have him thrusting inside you.

“And you’ll take it, for daddy.” - He aroused you with fierce kissed all over, touching you and rubbing his body against yours.

He knelt between your legs and flicked his tongue up and down the length of your slick folds, sucking, licking and gently nibbling, enjoying savoring you. Writhing under him, you grabbed his hair and jerked your hips to his face.

He knew what heaven was when your pussy sucked his fingers that skillfully worked inside you and your legs began to shake. While he drove you insane, you moaned his name loudly, over and over again. His fingers thrusted faster and faster, and the gentle movements his tongue had been doing on your clit became harder.

“Fuck, daddy, I’m gonna cum.” – Your body arching from the pleasure he gave you. Your nails dug lightly on his neck as you thrusted your hips. The climax was close, building inside you at breakneck speed. Your toes already curling with pleasure and you knew you were going to explode at a major orgasm.

“Do you want me to stop, pet?” – He teasingly asked.

“No! Please don’t.” – Pressing your fingers in his scalp, as he stroked your soft spot, you could feel yourself moist with arousal, almost melting around his fingers.

Sucking and flicking his tongue on your clit, he stroked your insides quickly, a sensual caress to your very soul.

You were squirming under him, huskily moaning is name, asking for more. With each thrust of his fingers, you yelped, until you finally exploded; you were just a moaning mess and the sheets bellow you were soaked in your wetness. His tongue simply savored the juices that dripped out of your core; he kept sliding it in and out of your pussy, back up to your swollen clit. The orgasm made your body dissolve into a violent flame that claimed every inch, every nerve, every cell. Shuddering beneath him, a second wave of hot fluid dripped from inside you and you screamed his name loudly, until your voice cracked. When he was done, you were panting, exhausted, overwhelmed by all the sensations.

“If you think I’m fucking done with you, you’re dead wrong, baby girl…” – Biting his lower lip, he pressed his thumb against your oversensitive clit.

“I don’t know if I can take it anymore, daddy.” – You sighed loudly, watching as his lips parted into a sly sexy smile.

“Won’t you make daddy cum, pet?” – He laid on top of you, tirelessly kissing your neck, knowing you loved it. His fingers caressed your breasts gently and you could feel the urgency of his need, the desire coming from the depths of his being, he was getting rock hard just thinking about possessing his little girl.

You nodded absentmindedly, you found yourself wanting to please him as much as he pleased you. Kissing him passionately, you wrapped your legs around his waist.

“You know what, sweetie? I got a better idea.” – He sat on the edge of the bed, motioning for you to sit on his lap.

You slowly crawled to him and straddled him, wrapping your arms around his neck.

“No, not like that…” – He adjusted your position over his lap, so your back was against his chest. – “Daddy wants to see everything.” – Pressing his erection against your opening, he jerked his head to the mirror on the wall. Cupping your breast in his hand, he put your hair aside, kissing the back your neck, gently enough to make you shiver. – “Do you know what else daddy wants?” – He brushed his nose on your ear.

“What?” – Turning your head softly, you stroked his beard with your fingertips.

“Daddy wants you to touch yourself, while he fucks you.” – Your legs were spread enough so he could see your beautiful lady parts through the mirror, so he wanted to make the most of it.- “OK, dove?”

“Yes, abba.” – Reaching for his lips, you planted a soft kiss on them.

Ever so slowly, he placed his cock inside you and guided your hand to your pussy, making you rub your bud steadily but softly, with his hand over yours.

Sighing lowly you closed your eyes, taking him deep inside you, riding him slowly at first, until you picked up the rhythm.

“Don’t close your eyes; this view is amazing, baby girl.” – Chuckling lowly, his free hand caressed your breasts, teasing your nipples, while his mouth worked your neck and shoulders.

Daddy was always right; the sight in the mirror was indeed incredibly sexy. His cock slid faster inside you, sinking to the depths of your core; a burning sensation sparked down his every nerve with each contraction of you pussy around his length.

You tried to grip him, but once again, he guided your hand to your sensitive spot.

“Oh, god!” – Jerking your hips against his, until his manhood was fully inside you, you felt as complete as ever and faced the mirror, seeing his face of pure ecstasy.

His fingers, along with yours, worked your clit faster; the pleasure rose and high pitched gasps left your lips.

Alfie moaned lowly in your ear, before biting your shoulder; gripping your thighs roughly , he pushed hardly inside you.

“Don’t stop touching yourself.” – His chin was resting on your shoulder and you could feel his warm breath against your skin.

You nodded and complied, touching yourself with more intensity, as he watched in delight, through the mirror.

“Like that, daddy?”

“Fuck. Just like that, baby girl.” – He caught the sensitive flesh of your earlobe between his teeth. – “Now let me hear you calling out my name.” – Sucking your neck hungrily, he cupped your breasts firmly, gently squeezing them and increasing the ache between your legs.

“Harder Alfie, please.” – After a moment, you laid your head back, against his chest. The blood pulsed too fast through your veins, as the heat coming from his bloated manhood basically turned your insides into mush. Crying out his name, you stroked your clit faster.

The rhythm of his hips increased and his cock throbbed violently inside you. The mix of the verbal and physical stimulation was too much for any of you to handle. Panting hotly, he thrusted tirelessly inside you, over and over again.

You insides were shaking; the core so soft and wet, pulsating with every thrust of his cock.

He grunted loudly on your ear as his cock erupted, spurting shot after shot of cum, filling you with his seed and pumping it into your pussy. He decided to literally take the matter into his own hands and caressed your bud with his thumb while fucking you wildly deep.

Your breath was irregular and you grinded against his groin, as your face showed the glorious ravishing pleasure that was taking over your body. After only a few more strokes, you were screaming his name again and your hungry pussy was spasming and creaming around his thick shaft. Pure pleasure exploded through your whole body, filling your mind.

Exhausted and panting, you let yourselves fall back on the bed, rolling and kissing. Your blood vessels were still pulsating and your bodies were tingling from pleasure all over, from head to toe.

Alfie’s hand searched for your, gripping it as if he would never let go; he twined his fingers on your own and pulled your back into him, spooning you and burying his head in your hair. Holding you, as if it was the most natural thing in the world, he kissed the top of your hair.

“I like me better when I’m with you.” – He exhaled deeply, placing his arm around your body and hugging you into him tightly.

“Good, ‘cause I’m never leaving, abba.” -  Closing your eyes, you took his hand and kissed it fervently, with a lovely, silly, happy smile dancing on your lips.

Tag List: @carmen-kray , @titty-teetee , @iv-nyc , @but--dear-this-is-not-wonderland , @eap1935 , @ellar21 , @tiredoffeelinglost , @original-krays , @marvelgirl7 , @captstefanbrandt , @evilispretty-dead , @mollybegger-blog , @bignastyfan-nz , @scarrasco1325 , @miidailyinspiration , @harleyquinns , @haroldpain , @marvelslut16 , @willowick13 , @outofbluecomesgreen , @elemephstudies , @my-little-lucky-scissors , @overitall2018​ , @innerpaperexpertcloud​ , @matoki-darkpanda , @jay-bel , @tarjanisfrye  , @baliadelcuore , @sadgirrrl666 

[oosteven-universe]

Vietnam Horror #1

Vietnam Horror #1 Behemoth Entertainment 2021 Written by Massimo Rosi Illustrated by Vito Coppola In Vietnam, a unit of American soldiers is running an underground reconnaissance using men known as "Tunnel Rats," Colton Jones being one of them. Strange movements and unusual songs had been coming from a nearby mountain causing the men to be sent into the tunnels to search for members of the Viet Cong in hiding. However, inside of the mountain they'll find something they could have never prepared for. Here is what I love, we’ve seen so many variations when it comes to Vietnam and the war there, conflict my tuchus, and they all kind of focus on some key areas.  This one has those elements, it has to it’s kind of expected and the terrain is what it is there’s no escaping that, but it goes that extra mile and incorporates aspects that you don’t expect to find here either.  I’ve called Massimo one of his generations greatest writers and quite frankly this is a bloody brilliant showcase of why I’ve said that.  How we see one element being tied into various characters that inhabit the book and how the psychology of being there is brought into this is beyond expectation and comprehension.  I am so incredibly impressed with the level and quality of storytelling that we see here and with the interiors almost if not quite overshadowing the writing these two gentlemen have created something astounding. I am in love with the way that this is being told.  The story & plot development that we see through how the sequence of events unfold as well as how the reader learns information is presented flawlessly.  While yes this is a work of fiction you could easily assume this is taken from one soldier’s journal about the ordeal they faced it’s that eerily accurate feeling you get when you read something and almost think it’s real.  The character development that we see here is amazing and it really is through the dialogue that we get to know these characters.  It might just be me but when reading this I could feel the emotions, anguish and fear emanating from them and it heightened my experience.  The pacing is excellent and as it takes us through the pages revealing the story and the characters it’s easy to get swept up and lost in what is happening. With the way that this is structured and how the layers within the story emerge and grow like the jungle surrounding them there’s this constant sense of foreboding that puts tension into the readers’ shoulders.  That by the way is a good thing because you feel, FEEL, what’s happening and then to see how everything works together to create the story’s ebb & flow on top of that is outstanding. I can’t believe as a younger man I was such a snob about black & white comics.  Vito is my new hero and what he’s capable of doing is mindbogglingly brilliant.  The linework is exquisite and how the varying weights and techniques are utilised to bring out the detail work is mind blowing in how well its executed.  The jungle is a character in the story thanks to his work and while the greenery isn’t green the variations of life he creates ignites your imagination.  Stevenson laying on that table in his y-fronts it is a hell of a wow moment and that’s not the only one we see.  The way that the backgrounds are incorporated into the composition within the panels bring us this stellar depth perception, sense of scale and this overall sense of size and scope to the book.  The utilisation of the page layouts and how we see the angles and perspective in the panels show one of the most masterfully talented eyes for storytelling. ​ This is going to be your new favourite series.  It is as cerebral as it is violent and authentic to the time, area and the war itself.  These two need to keep working together because the symmetry they have going on is major league impressive to me.  Behemoth should move right now and keep these two on retainer lol because this is going to blow your mind and rock your world!

[kyndaris]

A Solid Beginning

My journey when it came to the Legend of Heroes series began with Rean Schwarzer and his merry band of misfit classmates that comprised Class 7 in Trails of Cold Steel. I can’t say what prompted me to purchase the title on my PlayStation Vita, but purchase it I did and was subsequently taken on a grand adventure throughout the Erebonian Empire before I was mildly displeased at the sudden appearance of an ancient mech. In all my anime-watching, I’ve always hated fictional worlds with huge mechanical suits. They’re much too cliche for my tastes and frankly, the less they appear in the media I consume, the better.

While I did purchase Trails of Cold Steel 3 and fully intend to play it in the near future, forums I scoured recommended playing the Trails in the Sky series beforehand. Why? Well, how better to understand what Olivert Reise Arnor was doing prior to the events of Giliath Osborne trying to take over the world? And what of the sudden appearance of a certain Lloyd Bannings in Trails of Cold Steel 2?

So, after slowing purchasing the games from GoG (Good Old Games), I began Trails in the Sky just before the impending releases of a hundred thousand different games that would be coming out in November. 

Trails in the Sky begins with a mysterious boy being delivered to a bright-eyed Estelle Bright by her very own father. Shenanigans occur and it is not long before there’s a time skip and we rejoin Estelle and her adopted brother, Joshua, when they turn sixteen and decide to take on a test that would allow them to become junior bracers at their local guild in Rolent.

When her father takes on an important mission, both Estelle and Joshua are left behind. Eager to prove their worth, they assist the townsfolk by completing odd jobs. It is not long, however, that they rise to the role of detectives, solving the theft of a valuable orbment necklace that was meant to be delivered to the Queen of Liberl for her birthday celebration. Estelle, never one to pick up on subtle clues, is shocked to discover it is Josette - a girl she assumed was a student at a prestigious academy in the Kingdom - a sky pirate. They duke it out before Josette is rescued by her brother, fleeing towards Bose.

Thus ends the prologue after several hours of gameplay and dialogue. 

Within days of uncovering the crime, Estelle and Joshua learn that the ship their father was on has gone missing. Worried, they enlist the aid of Scherazard and head to Bose (not knowing, yet, that the sky pirates and the disappearance of the Linde are connected). It is not long before they are swept into another mystery, which they solve within days of arriving in the new city, and begin travelling around the Kingdom of Liberl to learn more about its denizens. 

Throughout their journey, they make new friends and impress each local branch of the Bracers guild while solving major problems plaguing the cities that they visit. It is the fourth city, Zeiss, however, when the plot starts to pick up and the characters begin to sense something darker and more sinister is at play. It was also here that I started paying more attention, having nearly fallen asleep at the proverbial wheel with the glacial pacing of the narrative.

After carrying around a MacGuffin black orbment, several questions were answered even as the game set about laying out the seeds for a grand conspiracy plot. But as with always the case of protagonists, they plod through most of the subtext, oblivious until the villain of the piece declares his master plan. Without the means of airships, Estelle and Joshua set out for Grancel via foot and finally arrive just as the Intelligence Division begins its coup d’etat.

While the rescue missions were fun and served to propel the plot forward, the final boss was a bit of a letdown. In many stories from the Japanese role playing genre, I find the human to human struggle much more engaging than having to fight an archaic machine Alas, that was the case here.

Worse, was the fact that Reverie was hardly what I might have called challenging. Instead, the machine proved annoying with his high defence and health stats. Equipped with two magic users and having Estelle and Joshua dish out the occasional hurt with physical attacks, the battle was soon over and the kingdom saved.

Trails in the Sky plays like the first arc of a major story. Were it the sole game in the series, it would have felt incomplete. Knowing that there were two other games waiting in the wings, I was able to stifle much of my disappointment. Even though I would have liked for most of the loose ends to have been tied off. A stand alone title, Trails in the Sky is most assuredly not. Whether that was uncovering Olivier Lenheim’s true identity and purpose in Liberl, to whatever was Ouroborous and the mysterious Weissmann.

The combat is turn-based and felt much simpler than the mechanics employed in Trails of Cold Steel. I can’t rightly say why but I will chalk it up to the fact that there were no bonuses to experience points being earned through certain victory conditions. Just like in Trails of Cold Steel, characters place quartz into spare slots - triggering certain spells and stat boosting abilities.

Being familiar with the system, it was easy for me to pick up the mechanics again and trounce my foes. Most bosses gave me hardly any trouble - except of course, Lorence.

As for the characters themselves, my favourites were Joshua and Kloe, the disguised princess of Liberl. Tita and Agate were also enjoyable. But as the credits rolled, I regretted not getting to know them a little better. After completing each major city, the other characters left and it was back to my two-man party of Estelle and Joshua.

Overall, Trails in the Sky was a good introduction to the complex world created by Nihon Falcom. It provides some much needed background and introduced players to certain key characters that would later play important roles in later titles. The world building in The Legend of Heroes is top notch. As a writer, it was interesting to see the multiple and opposing views shared by heroes, villains and the general public. For that, the developers and story writers ought to be applauded. But while the story to Trails in the Sky FC was fairly simplistic, I am eager to see how the characters fit into the larger narrative and what the sequels have in store for this new fan to the franchise.

As a side note, I hate the fact that several side missions are missable, have a limited time frame or are hidden. Of course, having played through Trails of Cold Steel, I knew this beforehand and played through the game with a trusty walkthrough to guide me.

[ask-de-writer]

SEA DRAGON’S GIFT : Part 20 of 83 : World of Sea

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SEA DRAGON’S GIFT

Part 20 of 83

by

De Writer (Glen Ten-Eyck)

140406 words

copyright 2020

written 2007

All rights reserved.

Reproduction in any form, physical, electronic or digital is prohibited without the express consent of the author.

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Copyright fair use rules for Tumblr users

Users   of Tumblr.com are specifically granted the following rights.  They may   reblog the story provided that all author and copyright information   remains intact.  They may use the characters or original characters in   my settings for fan fiction, fan art works, cosplay, or fan musical   compositions.

All sorts of fan art, cosplay, music or fiction is actively encouraged.

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New to the story?  Read from the beginning.  PART 1 is here

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Barad said lightly, “So long as they aren’t chasing us, we’ve little to fear.  Come, My Heart, we have to get your Arrakan certificates recognized.  You have an examination before the Board.”  They left in the direction of the Council Pavilion.

Kurin squinted as she looked at the ships and commented, “They are good seamen aren’t they?  It’s hard to stop a ship that big, right at the float.  Now that they’re closer, I can read their names.  The Big one is the Dark Dragon.  There’s two lines of some vertical decorations too.  I wonder why they aren’t afraid of bad luck from naming their ship after Dark Iren?  The other is the Soaring Bird. The Soaring Bird’s letters look really strange.  There are other letters above the name that I can’t read at all.”

Master Juris told Kurin, “That’s because they’re in a different language, Kurin.  It’s Barant I think.  I can’t read it either but I’ve seen it before.”

He turned, gesturing broadly about, and asked Kurin, “Is it just me, or is the market bigger than usual this Gathering?”

“It is,” said Kurin with a pinched face.  “The Grandalor and three other ships have opened toy booths in addition to their usual ones now that they see how well I’ve done for the last five Gatherings. The Gula has the colored cloth booth in addition to their usual fabrics booth.  The strangers each got a booth.  We took up three spaces just for cargo and lace, and have a food booth on top of that.”

“True, all true,” said Master Juris, as they strolled back to her booth. “I got around to the other toy booths to take a look.”  He smiled with a trace of a sneer for the competition.  “Your deal with the Masters of the Craft Council is safe.  The Grandalor is your nearest rival and they aren’t close, though they are cheaper.”

“Speaking of the Grandalor,” said Kurin curiously, what’s up with them?  I almost didn’t recognize them.  Their ship is so neat and tidy that it almost looks new.”

“I don’t know, Kurin.  Their booth people are all smiling and friendly, too.”  Master Juris stroked his chin and looked off absently at the newcomers.  “Even their roustabouts have been polite and well dressed.”  He walked off shaking his head at changes that he had never thought to see.

As Kurin was entering her booth she overheard a pair of Grandalor sailors speaking through the orderly chaos of the busy Market.

“Looka’ there!  A nice knife on the deck!  Mine!”

“You know where it fell from, too.  Give it back to him.”

“Sorry, old habit.  You’re right.  The Lady wouldn’t like it iffin I kept it.  She’d be disappointed.  Don’t want that. — — Here, Sir! This fell offa yer table!  Nice scrimshaw on the blade!”

Kurin settled herself on a stool behind her counter, wondering at the bizarre concept of Grandalor sailors being honest.  She picked up an illustrated envelope and removed a batch of pieces.  To draw trade, she began assembling one of her kits.  The day passed into afternoon.

“T’at’s good t’ see.  A young ane, nae afraid t’ be seen wit’ toys.  So often, t’ey’re afraid t’ey’ll be taken for kinder if t’ey’re seen wit’ toys.”

Kurin looked up at the speaker, smiling automatically.  Her smile hardened as she recognized the two sailors flanking the woman.  They were Grandalor deck-hands that she knew from other Gatherings and did not trust now, in spite of their better dress.

The woman who spoke was short, with a cascade of glossy medium brown hair falling from a complex braided knot at the back of her head.  Honest gray eyes stared frankly at her.  Her face was exotically shaped, almost coming to a point at her chin, mouth smiling widely under a nose that was almost dangerously cute.  

What she wore was as exotic as her speech.  Definitely not sailor’s garb.  At first glance, her blouse seemed a simple strip of satin cloth, white with moving amber highlights, thrown about her neck, crossed in front and fastened behind.  A second glance showed that the garment was carefully tailored to an exact fit and that there was nothing casual about it.  There were sleeves of sheer amber gauze tied to it at the shoulders.  Her solidly muscled midriff was bare. The lady wore pants that were long and loose, matching her top in color and gathered at the ankles.  Her shoes were of sparkling fine scaled black Lesser Dragon hide.

A fringed black sash belt held several pouches and a long knife that was either Lesser Dragon or Wing Ray fang.  The edge was chipped slightly from much use but carefully sharpened.

The tool maker in Kurin admired the care with which the sharpening had been done.  Each chip had been rounded out and properly edged to reduce the possibility of a crack starting.  This knife, large as it was, was a carefully maintained tool.

Kurin’s smile became genuine as she thought that she recognized the speaker. “Kurti, is that you?  What are you doing in that get up?  What’s with the accent?”

The woman appeared to curl up into a mental ball, the life flowing out of her.

“Oi wish Oi wa’.  She’s dead.  M’ cousin Oi’m told.  M’ name’s Tanlin.  Tanlin Miken Princamorn.  Oi’m tired, might Oi sit in yer shade?”  Both sailors looked alarmed at this pronouncement and took her arms to support her, clearly not to remove her.  It was obvious who was in charge.

One of them said, “Lady Tanlin, When Doctor Corin allowed you to come to Gathering he warned us that you are still on the invalid list. You must not tire yourself.”

“Of course you may sit, Lady Tanlin,” said Kurin, picking up on the title and producing a cushion usually reserved for important customers.  “Tell me how come you look so much like Kurti.  You said she’s dead?  How did it happen?  Where are you from?”

“T’ank ye,” she said to Kurin as the sailors helped her gently to the cushion.  “Oi’m Arrakan.  Late o’ t’e Princamorn.  Kurti an’ Oi were cousins.  Our mot’ers were identical twins, so Oi’m told. ‘Ers married on t’ t’e Grandalor, mine t’ Princamorn as t’ey tell m’.

“Oi heard t’at she got t’e lung parasites from swallowin’ reef woter durin’ t’e rescue o’ our crew.  She wa’ often in t’e sickbay but Oi’m informed t’e treatment dinnae work.

“Over four an’ a ‘alf Wotans Oi wander Iren’s ‘alls.  ‘E let m’ go an’ took ‘er instead.  Oi ‘ad per’aps twa ‘ours t’ see ‘er as she failed.”

“Why do you keep saying, I’m told and such?” asked Kurin rather tactlessly.

Tanlin nearly wailed, “‘Cause Oi cannae remember!  T’ey say Oi wa’ ‘it be a falling yard wen t’e Princamorn went down.  Oi donae remember ‘t!  Oi’ve nae ‘istory t’ go wit’ t’e name an’ it only by repute!”

Kurin was at a loss for what to do.  She had heard of amnesia from head blows, everyone had.  She had never heard of any effective treatment. Still a niggling suspicion ate at the back of her mind.

She held out a tallow-slate and said, “Do you write?”

“O’ course Oi write an’ navigate, too.  Oi wa’ t’e Forst Officer, Second Wotch, an’ Share Holder on t’e Princamorn.  Oi lost m’ memory, nae m’ mind,” Tanlin retorted tartly.

“I meant no insult, Lady Tanlin,” said Kurin mollifyingly.  “I’ve heard that Arrakans write differently than we do in the Naral fleet. Could I see?”

Brightening like sun from behind a cloud, Tanlin said, “Certainly.”   She took the proffered tallow-slate in her right hand and wrote quickly and surely with her left.  From the right edge.  She signed with a flourish.  Thank you, Mother, for making me learn this.  It was to help in the Arrakan trade.  Now it is my shield.

Kurin looked at the neat cursive writing in perplexity.  The characters were like none that she had seen before.  Her confusion showed on her face, for Tanlin laughed gently, chidingly.

“Tis ye t’at write differently.  Arrakans ‘ave been writing such for a t’ousand Gat’erins.  ‘T says:

‘Ush little ane, dinnae ye cry.

Nest in t’e ‘ammock’s web, safe from ‘arm,

‘Ear Iren’s Orcas sing far from ye.

‘Appy dreams air yer good charm.’

“Kurti sung ‘t t’ calm m’ as she lay dyin’.  M’ name is at t’e end.”

Kurin, who knew that Kurti had been right handed, was convinced.  Besides, Tanlin’s knife was placed for a fast left handed draw.

“She was wrong about the Orca though,” said one of the two sailors.  “I was port forward lookout, second night watch.  From seventh drum, an Orca paced the Grandalor, singing.  I stayed past my watch to see and hear as it rolled and leaped, playing.  A few minutes after second drum of third watch, it sounded and was not seen again.  That was from when the Lady,” he pointed to Tanlin, “woke up, until Kurti died.”

“Is that true about the Orca?” Kurin asked, one eyebrow raised skeptically.

“Oi donae know.  W’at’s an Orca sound like?  Oi’ve never heard ane t’at Oi know o’.  T’ere wa’ an uncanny sound t’at stopped wen she died,” said Tanlin looking curiously at Kurin.

Kurin, who was a good mimic, let out a long, plaintive, rippling call, close to a whistle.

“T’at’s t’e very sound!  Oi ‘eard ‘t t’rough t’e ‘ull as Kurti wa’ dying!”

“There you are, Love.  I hope that whale wasn’t singing for you!  What are you doing?” inquired a light baritone voice.  Looking up, Kurin saw Captain Barad standing close.  She had seen him many times before but never like this.  He was calm and well dressed instead of irritable and slovenly.  Even more puzzling, he was smiling fondly at Tanlin.

“Look at t’is, m’ Luve.  T’is young ane is selling toys, too!” Tanlin impulsively held out one of Kurin’s Wing Rays for Barad’s inspection.  Thoughtfully she added, “Oi t’ink t’at ‘ers are better made t’an ours are.”

Barad attentively looked the toy over before carefully replacing it in its proper place on the board.  He smiled tolerantly and gently at Tanlin and said, “You are right Tanlin, my heart.  And well they should be.  The Craft Masters Council just broke for the afternoon.  They have made a decision about you, Kurin.  You should hear it from Master Juris, soon.”

Master Juris came striding eagerly up until he saw Barad.  His approach became wary.  Diverted from his original aim, he addressed Barad truculently, “Captain Barad.  What are you and your bullies doing at a Longin booth?”

Once again Barad smiled as though politely asked a reasonable question, “Three things.  First, I came to see for myself the toys that I have heard so much about for so long.  Second, I wanted to be here to see Kurin when you tell her your news.  Third, I was looking for my wife, who has the escort of two of my deck-hands at doctor’s orders. She is not yet fully recovered from serious injuries.”  Seeing the effect of his ‘third’, Barad burst out in genuine laughter.

“To you both, may I present my wife, the Lady Tanlin Miken Princamorn, lately First Officer of the Second Watch on the Arrakan vessel Princamorn?  She holds full Command and  Navigational Certificates from the Arrakan fleet.  Just today they were recognized by examination before the Naral fleet Board.”

Kurin and Master Juris were stunned.  “Your wife!”

Tanlin rose from her cushion and put an arm affectionately about Barad who put one around her.  “Aye, Oi’m ‘is wife an’ ‘appy t’ be!”  

Kurin’s curiosity was aroused by what both the deck-hands and Barad had said so she asked Barad, “Why do you call her Lady?  Is it some Arrakan custom?”

Tolerantly, Barad replied, “Not that I know of.  The crewfolk who were helping Doctor Corin with her recovery started calling her that on their own. The rest of us just followed the fish.  You’ve met her.  It seems to fit.”

Tanlin turned to Master Juris and added, “If Oi ‘ave ‘eard right, ye ‘ave somet’ing for t’is nice young lady ‘oo ‘as shared ‘er shade and m’ maundering.”

Coming back to the reason for his visit, Master Juris said, “True.  Kurin, Captain Mord is bringing the actual item.  I’ll let him do the honors.”

Captain Mord arrived with all the Longin’s officers and many of Kurin’s friends in his wake.  Bringing up the rear but not staying there, was the entire Craft Masters Council.  When all were gathered about, Captain Mord began.

“Kurin Behar Longin, on behalf of the Masters of the Naral fleet, I present to you this Certificate as Journeyman Boat-builder.  The Council debated your age, yet none could deny your skills.  Your abilities won over even the doubters in the end.

“Not only your submission piece but also every piece of your work that could be located was studied.  You are the youngest journeyman in the history of the Naral fleet in any Craft.”  He handed the excited Kurin a scroll that was thicker than the usual certificate.  When Kurin unrolled it she found a standard journeyman’s certificate but pasted to it was a long piece of paperfish parchment bearing the name of every ship in the fleet and under each ship, all of her Craft Masters.

“I — — — I’m at a loss.  I don’t know what to say.  Thank you!” said Kurin, her composure shaken.

“Oi do!” yelled Tanlin, “Congratulations!”  Turning to Barad and pointing, she said, “Luve, Oi’m ‘ungry.  Can we treat t’ese folk from t’at boot’ over t’ere?  T’e breeze from ‘t ‘as been makin’ m’ famished, ‘t smells so good.  ‘T can be our Announcement Feast as well!  T’en all will know Oi’ve t’e finest ‘usband an’ ‘e t’e finest wife!”

“For you, Tanlin, all three moons.”  Turning to Mord, Barad said, “There has been bad blood between us.  You have no reason to trust me, I own that.  I offer you this for a truce between us.  For Kurin’s celebration, let the Grandalor pay for all the food from your booth for the next hour.  We will not quibble the bill.  In return, Tanlin and I spend that hour in your booth with Kurin.  It shall be both her celebration and ours too.  Our marriage will be celebrated by Arrakan custom and law, with an Announcement Feast open to all.”

TO BE CONTINUED

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[sometimesrosy]

This isn’t an anti question in any way & doesn’t even have to do w/The 100 but tv writing in general. I’m not an expert so when I hear people saying “the writing is bad” on a show like let’s say GOT. What exactly are they talking about? Dialogue, scenes, story, character arcs, all of it? Like sometimes people will say an ep has bad writing but there are really good character moments or emotional scenes & I just get confused what people mean. I’m not talking about antis but like legit opinions.

Most of the time, when I see people saying “this is bad writing,” I think what they’re really saying is “I do not like this.”

That’s not what bad writing is. 

I’ve started to not listen to that criticism. Half the time, what it sounds like to me is either, “i didn’t get it,” “this is not what I would have done,” or “i don’t like it.”

That’s not about skill or storytelling, that is about understanding, refusal to listen to someone else’s story, and taste. The first two are failures of audience. The last one is no one’s fault. Just not their thing. I see that a lot when I see people wanting a romance and getting a tragic sf/fantasy epic adventure. Mismatch of expectation to genre.

Not liking an endgame? That’s taste, and maybe refusal to pay attention to the story. It doesn’t mean that the endgame is bad writing or a betrayal of the story. Sometimes the writers are not interested in that ship or romance at all, and despite some of the audience PREFERRING the ship/romance, it is not a requirement of the story or of storytelling or of logic or of genre. 

We have a tendency, in fandom, to equate “I do not like that” with “that is bad writing.” And those two things are not the same thing.  Loving a character doesn’t mean they are good and hating them doesn’t mean they are bad. Loving a storyline or ship doesn’t mean it is well written or just. Hating one doesn’t mean it is poorly written or evil. We can dislike a story or character or ship and it can STILL be well written. 

Maybe we need to spend more time looking at what the opposite of badly written means. What does it mean to tell a good story? To have a story or show be WELL written? It is engaging. The characters are well rounded and deep enough that they feel real. There is an internal logic to the universe that respects the audience and makes sense. The important questions and narrative threads are tied up and don’t leave the reader hanging. It is consistent with character and story and does not contradict itself. When it DOES contradict itself, as when a character transforms from one extreme to another, the story explains that or takes us on a journey. The story stands on its own and does not require extra-narrative explanations from the author to tell us something that was not included in the story. We want to keep watching and it pulls us in to the story, with a pacing that fully engages our emotions and thoughts.

See, now this all does not have anything to do with genre and allows many different types of story and storytelling to be good. It can include award winning serious films dealing with important real life matters that enlighten us about humanity as well as side splitting funny stuff that comforts us and makes us feel good and even tropey genre stories that follow all the rules of movie making block busters and STILL manage to make us cheer for the good guys and cry on cue and leave the theater happy.

Because stories serve different purposes and it’s up to us to find the stories that feed our needs. I personally steer away from the serious stuff lately and towards the fantastical. And I refuse the many judgments that call genre stories inferior or unworthy or trash. 

What happened with GOT was beyond just a ship not happening though. They had the audience. They had the story. We were drawn in, invested in the characters and the world and the epic battle… not for the fighting and special effects but for tension and the struggle, because we’d been watching those characters face their demons and their enemies and we wanted them to win against the evil, both human and not. 

The final season took the stories that were building and just discarded them. Character arcs that were NOT shown. Prophecies that built the story up were ignored. Societies whose driving force was inevitable just went, “eh” and walked away. 

 One of the things that bothered me was that they didn’t seem to understand some very basic GENRE requirements– like with the magic, spirituality and prophecy of this world. It felt disrespectful to me as a life long fantasy fan. You can’t just IGNORE the prophecy. That’s one of the things that is suppose to tell us what this story is about. Genre stories follow certain rules. Science fiction explores what ifs based on technology and science. Fantasy has mystical and magical rationales that are as REAL in their universe as science is in ours. Romance REQUIRES a happy ever after– or you betray your readers. In fantasy, if you put forth a prophecy, you have to deal with the prophecy. If there’s a character ascending into a mystical higher being, you can’t just reduce them to “weird.” If dragons are what brings the magic back, you need those dragons, or you need to end your magic. If the lone wolf dies but the pack survives, you can’t just separate the pack into lone wolves, send them to different corners of the world and then call that a satisfying ending. You COULD do it and either debunk the saying, or you could doom them to death as the saying predicted, leaving it a grimdark ending. But the way they framed it, the separated the Starks, and framed each of their lone wolf undertakings as a success. Which contradicts quite a few story and character arcs. 

The thing that upset me most about the ending though, which might very well be about taste, not about bad writing, is that the show seems to be making the statement that the little guy–the dispossessed, the bastard, the slave, the exile, the abused, the tortured, the oppressed–will never find justice or freedom or happiness or power. The world that oppressed them is the way the world should be. It takes all the torture and rape and pain that the show gave us, and never overcomes it, never gives us a reason for it beyond causing pain, If all those characters could have overcome their terrible beginnings and risen to set the world on a better path, we’d have a story that uplifts the audience and a very genre-appropriate story that we can see in the root of the genre, LOTR. 

Instead we have a story that rewards men for being clever and all knowing and superior, and the women who accept that as the way it should be. The end of the series returned power to the same unequal system, which discarded the oppressed. And did NOT break the wheel. It destroyed the throne and then continued on without the chair, doing the same thing. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BREAK THE WHEEL.

On one hand, I can recognize that the writers wanted a story that said something I didn’t like. That does not necessarily mean it was bad writing. On the other hand, the story they were telling seemed to be saying SOMETHING ELSE, and instead of following the story they were telling, they switched it up, did not develop the switch, and called it a “surprise twist.” THAT is bad writing. 

You can’t just turn the heroine crazy without showing us her descent. It places a POV character into the role of “The Other,” whose motivations we can NOT know, despite following her path for years. We’re supposed to be watching part of the story from her perspective and be able to see her choices and why she makes them. 

It IS possible to turn a female pov character crazy in a way that is believable. The 100 showed Octavia Blake’s descent. We SAW her break. We saw what made her break. We saw her irrational choices. She wasn’t a goodguy-goodguy-goodguy-BURNEVERYONEDOWN character. They took us on the steps from good guy to broken person to violence as the answer to trying to be better to untenable situation to tyrant to burn everyone down. And then, frankly, although they didn’t need to do it, they brought her back to good guy and we saw that too. Having Dany go crazy is a narrative choice that I don’t like and is a matter of taste. Having her go crazy without showing us why or how and then TELLING us later that the good guy choices, like ending slavery, were a sign of her going crazy??? Disrespectful to the audience and disrespectful to the story and disrespectful to the character they developed. THAT is the bad writing part.

ENDING SLAVERY IS PROOF OF HER MADNESS???? what the? 

I have to say that this is not a sign of bad writing. You could write a story this way and it could be written well, (they didn’t, but you could.) This is a sign of a BAD PERSON. D&D are bad people. They root for slavers. Bad people can definitely be good writers. D&D are both bad people and bad writers. 

[theromanticrationalist]

Short Treks: My Thoughts

Now that I’ve finally caught up on Short Treks, I thought I would share my thoughts on the series and the future of Star Trek. 

Short Version: It’s a bizarrely mixed bag.

Now for the long version. (SPOILERS)

Short Treks: Runaway

I love Sylvia Tilly (who doesn’t?), and this new era of Star Trek has certainly given us some interesting and lovely characterizations. This was a pretty solid short story, and I loved that we got to spend more time with Tilly. I also enjoyed how they tied this story into season 2 of Discovery, which added more depth to her character. Yes, Tilly just makes friends with random alien queens. It’s just what she does.

I also appreciated Po’s dilemma in her fears and struggles with her people about the coming changes of them becoming a warp-capable society. Thanks to Po’s ingenuity and talent, she has given her people a way to stabilize Dilithium crystals, but Po has done this out of a love of science and creativity. She fears the exploitation of her discovery and inventions for selfish gain. As a creative myself, I could relate to Po’s anguish as she desires the purity of her creation’s purpose, the soul, to be preserved above all else. #TheStruggleIsReal

In the end, though, both Tilly and Po mature and grow a little, which was satisfying to see. I look forward to seeing Tilly’s continued trajectory to her inevitable captaincy! 

Short Treks: Calypso

Another really solid story, but the only thing was that it didn’t feel like Star Trek to me. It just seemed like a beautiful and haunting science fiction story, maybe something that would be on Amazon’s Electric Dreams (love that series!). It certainly has some interesting implications for Discovery’s future, but overall it felt out of place in the lore. Despite that, this is probably the strongest of the Short Treks in writing, pacing, and emotional impact. Give me a love story with an AI/robot any day of the week.

Short Treks: Brightest Star

This was the one episode of the first batch of Treks that I was most excited about seeing. I think the strongest character and ideas of this new era of Star Trek is the character of Saru and his people, the Kelpiens and their predatory “overlords”, the Ba’ul. The planet dynamics of these species and how they’ve evolved together, and the mystery of how they are inexplicably linked is absolutely fascinating to me. Unfortunately, I feel like the writers really squandered the full potential of the ideas, which disappointed me greatly. 😞However, despite my disappointment, I did enjoy this story, albeit it was much to short. I think it needed to be 20 or 30 mins to really give the full impact of Saru’s struggle as an unusual Kelpien who looks up at the stars and speaks to them. But we don’t really get an explanation of how Saru is able to understand technology at all. We just have to accept that “he’s different”, so he just has the ingenuity to figure things out. I would have loved to have seen him when he was younger giving us examples of how his unorthodox thinking manifested in other ways in order for us to believe that he would be smart and capable enough to tinker and use technology beyond his people’s understanding. It would have also given us a chance to really immerse ourselves in the culture and mindset of the Kelpiens, to understand the psychology that shapes Saru’s very identity. In short, WE NEEDED MOAR KELPIENS AND SARU.

Overall, though, this episode was one of the very few that felt the most like Star Trek, as it exemplifies themes of questioning, seeking, searching, and asking and how that curiosity can lead us to worlds and realms beyond - that we are made for so much more than we could possibly imagine. 

This story also gave me Isaac Asimov vibes, which was cool.

Short Treks: The Escape Artist

This one was really disappointing and, frankly, very dull. Don’t get me wrong, Rainn Wilson does a fabulous Harry Mudd. He really adds nuance and cleverness to a character that originally was pretty one dimensional and campy. However, this was the one episode that NEEDED to be shorter, as it went on for far too long, and the pay off wasn’t worth it. It also left me feeling like, what was even the point? Why did they make this short story about Harry Mudd without telling us anything new about him? Yeah, we know he is conniving con man, we get it. It also doesn’t make sense continuity wise in Star Trek because I thought Doctor Noonien Soong was the leading roboticist/android expert, and Data wasn’t anywhere near to looking as life-like as Mudd’s replicas. Somehow Mudd is able to create perfect hosts-from-Westworld androids that sweat, bleed, bruise, and otherwise act like organic matter, able to express the full nuanced range of human emotion as to be clone-like duplicates of himself. Um. Okay??? I guess this lone con man fugitive has made these ingenious and world-shattering discoveries and inventions in robotics and technology. Yep.

Short Treks: Q&A

The absolute best of the Short Treks, IMLTHO. (Yeah, I may be biased...) You can read my thoughts on this episode here: X. 

Short Treks: The Trouble With Edward

Yeah. So this one is W-E-I-R-D, even by Star Trek’s standards. I also didn’t get it. I didn’t understand why it was made or why it took the tone that it did. It was funny, yeah, uncomfortably amusing, like we were watching The Office: Star Trek Edition, but WHY. Did someone ask for this? What is going on? WHY DID THEY HAVE THAT PARODY CHILDREN’S CEREAL COMMERCIAL AT THE END ABOUT EATING TRIBBLES WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING RIGHT NOW

It also doesn’t fit continuity-wise in the timeline. If someone at Starfleet was responsible for making tribbles the way that they are, then how come Kirk and the Enterprise weren’t notified as such? McCoy was the one who examined and discovered why they were breeding so much, but he could have just looked up Starfleet’s records apparently and got all the answers he needed. 

I’m not one of those fans who gets upset about continuity errors in world building, but really, there are just some things you should obviously know better not to do. 

Personally, I think the writer’s room was on Stamet’s mushrooms when they wrote this one, tbh. 😉

Short Treks: Ask Not

This was one was just ridiculous. The scenario wasn’t plausible, it was predictable, and the implications were kind of disturbing. For one, we all knew Captain Pike hadn’t turned. Yes, this perfect, plush, teddy bear of a man who is THE NUMBER ONE Space Dad of All Timeᵀᴹ who has absolute, unwavering integrity and honor is someone we are supposed to buy as having committed mutiny, or at least convince us that Cadet Thira Sidhu buys this obvious load of malarky. 

Uh, I don’t think so.

Also...THIS IS SO MESSED UP WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO YOUR CADETS. Why would you put them through this manipulative farce just to test their devotion, commitment, and integrity?! If I were this cadet I would be seriously angry and upset that I was tricked and made to go through the emotional turmoil, trauma, and distress of standing up against your commanding officer in a life endangering scenario! What the heck?? What sick, perverted, twisted mind thought of this cruel -

Oh.

Haha, okay so I think it is kind of hilarious just how merciless Number One is that she would actually come up with this kind of test. This episode was TOTALLY worth the little Spock and Number One Mutual Appreciation Society moment, as Spock, with stars in his eyes, admires Number One’s cutthroat tactics. I mean in AOS, Spock did come up with the Kobayashi Maru so it is all making sense. However, at least in the Kobayashi Maru the cadets knew they were taking a test. Cadet Thira Sidhu did not. The lighthearted and warm fuzzy ending to this episode did not at all jive with what had just happened. It would have been much more interesting to have dealt with the implications of Number One’s test on the cadets, while expanding on her character as well as telling us why Pike would even partake of and allow this to happen, but oh well. 

Short Treks: Ephraim and Dot

The idea? Creative. The characters? Cute. The animation? Really nice with an old school flair. And yet I was once again left feeling like what was the point? I mean I’m sure 3-5 year olds would enjoy watching this little short, like something akin to Looney Tunes IN SPACE, but really there wasn’t much substance here. Frankly, it just seemed like it was a nostalgia trip and Easter egg dump. 

Short Treks: The Girl Who Made The Stars

This is another very creative idea with excellent animation and an interesting look into Michael’s childhood and the ideas that shaped her. I suppose it accomplishes what it sets out to do, and is pretty effective, but personally it didn’t do much for me. It was sweet and inspirational and that’s about it. 

Short Treks: Children of Mars

This was a prologue of sorts before Picard begins, and so it was interesting to have our first look into what we will come to expect from that series. It was, undoubtedly, emotionally effecting, as it actually brought tears to my eyes. However, I did have an issue with it and I was trying to figure out what that was. I then realized - it felt like a commercial. Like one of those long commercials that tells a poignant little story in order to sell an idea or product, whatever it may be. It was too glossy, stylized, and seemed like it could be used as a kind of propoganda-esque promotion of Starfleet and its ideals. I know that is a kind of cynical way of viewing it, but that is how it felt to me in the way it chose to tell its story. I think if the girls had been allowed to be real characters we could have immersed ourselves in their story and what the both of them ended up having to face together in the end. It would have felt much more real and earnest, instead of just tugging at our heartstrings in a syrupy kind of way. 

Also, it kind of gave me The Expanse vibes. Just an observation. 

Conclusion

These Short Treks, and subsequently the CBS era of the Star Trek franchise, are a really weird mix bag for me. On one hand, I do admire their creative risks as they decide to try new ways of telling Star Trek stories, which I know not all those in the fandom appreciate or desire. Yet on the other hand, most of the time the writing is just poorly done and generic, so it all seems to just cancel itself out. 😕

Creating memorable, enjoyable, and original characters: 100%

The level of Feelzᵀᴹ felt from the storytelling and acting: 1000%

Creativity through set, costumes, and stylistic approaches and ideas: 100%

Writing: Subpar, 20%

Science: Not Even Science

In the end it seems like those running this new era of Star Trek have a lot of heart, but not enough analytical thinking or patience to take the time to build the necessary character and plot logic that makes for much more satisfying storytelling. Just saying “Space, the final frontier” a thousand times doesn’t make this Star Trek, and making us feel things through excellently composed music and acting isn’t good writing. (Also, people saying that they love science all the time doesn’t mean they are actually doing science!) So, I don’t expect much from this CBS era, but I’ll be watching it and enjoying it anyway. I’m Star Trek trash. What can I say?  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Source for images: X

[ladyfl4me]

A,E,F,G,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z ;o

Okay *cracks knuckles* let’s go! F, M, and S have already been taken from this list, so feel free to send in... B, C, D, or H, I guess. Yeehaw. This is really fucking long.

A: How did you come up with the title to [TMWCIFTC]? -- It started, as many things do, as a bad pun. The novel The Spy who Came In from the Cold was a cold-war spy thriller, about a British spy who goes over to East Germany as an apparent defect, except he’s actually there to spread misinformation and fuck shit up. He falls in love, becomes disillusioned with his superiors, and is shot dead over the corpse of his lover after climbing over to the east side of the wall. Needless to say, this is nowhere close to what happens in TMWCIFTC. I chose it early on because of the literal meaning: there’s a moth(man), he’s coming in from the cold WV weather, boom shaka laka, we have a title. Over time, though, it’s evolved into another meaning. Indrid himself is coming in from an isolated, lonely existence: he’s rejoining the family that cut ties with him, he’s in love, he’s warm and safe. The moth sure did come in from the cold, and hopefully he stays that way.

E: If you wrote a sequel to [TMWCIFTC], what would it be about? -- Hm. Considering my entire TAZ fic career is a tangled hairball of sequels and prequels, I kind of have this base covered. At the moment, TCOS - aka The Children of Sylvain, the sequel to TMWCIFTC - is about three things: a Pine Guard road trip race against time and the feds, the Spanish Sylvan Inquisition That Nobody Expected (least of all Jake and Hollis, who have to set aside their differences and past conflicts to save Kepler - and who knows, maybe they’ll fall in love along the way), and Alexandra the Interpreter getting woke to Sylvan politics and doing what she can from the inside to change them. In other words, it’s going to be a massive sequel that is the finale of the Amnesty alternate universe I’ve created. It’s this series’ Endgame. (That reminds me, I need an actual title for this collection of stories I’m writing. The “Tin Cinematic Universe” doesn’t quite have the ring to it that I’d like.)

G: Do you write your story from start to finish, or do you write the scenes out of order? -- eh, it kind of depends. It’s like a buffering bar on Youtube videos. I outline what I can until I run out of ideas, then start writing, then add outlines to the end, until the outline is complete and I just have to keep writing.

I: Do you have a guilty pleasure in fic (reading or writing)? -- I don’t have one for reading, but for writing, I fucking love structuring chapters around songs. Classical or otherwise, I love music. All my stories play in my head like a movie screen, and I just do my best to describe what I’m seeing in my head with an accompanying score. It’s not so much a guilty pleasure as it is a writing process. Frankly, I don’t think I actually have a guilty pleasure; the act of writing itself is all the happiness I need.

J: Write or describe an alternative ending to [insert fic]. -- An alternate ending for The Devil Went Down To Georgia would be... interesting. It ended with Boyd-as-Jersey-Devil scaring the pants off some poor broke college kid, who stole his worthless fiddle; then he changed back, and he and Ned went on their merry way to go break into Aubrey’s house and send everything down the drain. If there was one thing that I could change in there, it would be how fast Ned ran. If he ran a little faster, he would have seen the alley; he would have witnessed Boyd turning into the Jersey Devil, or at least turning back into himself; and he’d get a very rude awakening as to what Sylvans are and that his partner (in crime, and everything that mattered) was a fucking cryptid. God, that’d be a fun AU to write. Who knows, I might go do that someday.

K: What’s the angstiest idea you’ve ever come up with? -- At the moment, the only angsty idea that I’m actually conceptualizing is a Hollis/Jake angsty breakup for TSG. (Spoilers, I guess.) I once wrote a very grimdark ending to TMWCIFTC where everyone fell through the ice and drowned. It wasn’t fun. I’ve also mentally killed off each Amnesty protagonist and NPC in various ways, but I never felt comfortable writing them down. I only write angst with a happy ending because those are the kinds of stories I need to hear.

L: How many times do you usually revise your fic/chapter before posting? -- 9 times out of 10, I just throw it into the void. I write as much as I can in big chunks, and then kind of hope for the best. TMWCIFTC, for example, is a completely unedited, unbetaed vomit draft. I usually do a quick reread of my oneshots to catch grammar and spelling errors, but other than that I just trust myself that it’s fine.

N: Is there a fic you wish someone else would write (or finish) for you? -- Can I get some kind of resolution for To the Edge of Night? Can I please get some kind of resolution for To the Edge of Night??? I was 14 chapters into that bastard before I a) became a more casual MCU fan and b) discovered TAZ. It was such a niche fic with such a niche structure - LOTR as galactic Asgardian propaganda to cover up Odin’s mistakes - that at some point I lost interest in it. I just saw Endgame though, so now I might get some inspiration for stuff to bastardize.

O: How do you begin a story–with the plot, or the characters? -- Characters. When coming up with character backstories, I can usually find ways to slot their lives together that necessitate a plot. I love character-driven stories, where their actions actually do shit and their words actually mean something, in favor of getting dragged along behind the plot like tin cans behind a car.

P: Are you what George R. R. Martin would call an “architect” or a “gardener”? (How much do you plan in advance, versus letting the story unfold as you go?) -- I’m definitely an architect, but in a really messy way. My friends can attest that I do an insane amount of planning for each story - often in their DMs, sorry about that, Fae, Cro, Indy and Aline 😬 - and all that usually ends up in a stream-of-consciousness rant outline on Google Drive. Knowing where the story is going helps me a lot, but the planning I do is definitely just building flower beds in which to sow seeds. Or building a greenhouse. I plan the bare bones of a story, and things get really wild within it, but it does follow a logical plot structure.

Q: How do you feel about collaborations? -- I have a lot of respect for the people who can successfully pull it off, but idk if i’d ever want to do one myself. I get really possessive of my stories and ideas and like to be the one in charge of their execution. That being said, some collabs have produced amazing stories. I don’t mind reading collab fics, but actually being in a collab grates on me more than it should.

R: Are there any writers (fanfic or otherwise) you consider an influence? -- I’m definitely influenced heavily by Neil Gaiman. I read American Gods and Good Omens a lot while I was trying to write TMWCIFTC; not only was it a good brain break, but I was able to pick up a lot of tips on scene pacing, concise yet expressive language, and character interactions. My creative wriitng professors have always told us to read so we know what to steal - not in terms of content, but in execution. 

On the fanfic side, @miamaroo is a huge inspiration for me. I’ve been reading Northern Migration a lot recently, and I love how its canon divergence is so worldshaking and so complex, but is still familiar in nostalgic yet terrifying ways. I read it back in October, went, “Huh, I wanna do something that wild. And if miamaroo can do it then I sure as fuck can too,” and I started planning TMWCIFTC during that one month dead zone the McElroys took last year. Northern Migration is one of the best, most coherent, most stunning, and most incredibly written TAZ Balance AUs I’ve ever read, and if I hadn’t read it, I wouldn’t have been inspired to take the fuckall huge plunge into TMWCIFTC.

S: Any fandom tropes you can’t resist? -- Bed sharing and cuddling, hand kissing, wrist kissing, whump, sympathetic villains. Canon divergent AUs are my absolute favorite things to both read and write. Anything that would turn me into Charlie Kelly slamming his finger on a bulletin board screaming, “CAROL,” is a fic I would give my life for. 

T: Any fandom tropes you can’t stand? -- Not a fan of a) woobification and b) flat villain characterization, to the point where the story is riding on villain tropes instead of an actual person or plot. Character nuance is always something I look for when I read. I don’t usually get bitter about tropes, though; some stuff, when subverted, works really well. I fully subscribe to don’t like, don’t read, don’t write, which is why I don’t write anything that warrants AO3 content warning tags or an Explicit rating, in favor of focusing on plot. Every author has a reason for what they write and how - be it their level of experience, personal preference, or simply the joy of writing something and getting it out there - and I respect that. Within reason, of course.

U: Share three of your favorite fic writers and why you like them so much. -- 

@miamaroo, for reasons I’ve already discussed. My favorite TAZ Balance author hands down. Read Northern Migration and give it the love it deserves, or I’m replacing all the faucets in your house with silly straws.

@transagentstern. Fae has a bunch of absolutely incredible fics and an amazing grasp on characterization. We come from the same place with AUs, in that canon is but the bare planks on which we put the drywall of our plot an characterization. They structure AUs and character backstories from the ground up in believable and emotionally raw ways. Also they have great music taste. I especially like their interpretation of Indrid in Moth to the Flame; he, like all the other characters in the story, is far from perfect, and his character arc is explored in relatable ways that I love to read. 

@keplersheetz. Aline - theneonpineapple on AO3 - researches like a motherfucker and has a wealth of knowledge/experience/viewpoints to draw on, making author-author interactions with her an absolute delight. She’s also doing the lord’s work with rarepairs. Spin a wheel, find a ship, and she’s probably written for it or at least conceptualized it. Reading her character studies and stories of the old Pine Guard - aka Mama’s original crew, before the current PCs joined - is always a delight. I’ve also hashed out a lot of details for The Children of Sylvain, especially for Mr. Boyd Mosche, guilt-wracked Jersey Devil extraordinaire, with her help. 

V: If you could write the sequel (or prequel) to any fic out there not written by yourself, which would you choose? -- Not gonna lie, I’m fine with a lot of stuff that’s out there right now. It’s been a hot few months since I’ve actually stopped to read fic, but from what I recall, most of the fics I’ve read have done a good job of keeping things intact.

W: Do you like more general prompts, or more specific ones? -- The vaguer, the better. With really specific prompts, it usually feels as if the story’s been written for me already; with vague, general prompts, I have more agency to explore my own ideas. Some accompanying detail is usually nice, though. For example, the coffee shop/college/flower shop AUs that @transagentstern​ wrote are my ideal prompt for drabbles: premise, a little bit of open-ended detail, clear explanation of what’s going to happen while leaving the rest up to the imagination. Good stuff. If it’s for a long-form piece, though, I prefer full agency, or even just some time to lie facedown in the dirt and wait for an idea to strike me.

X: A character you enjoy making suffer. -- Yes.

Y: A character you want to protect. -- Tim.

Z: Major character death–do you ever write/read it? Is there a character whose death you can’t tolerate? -- I do read lots of major character death, yeah, though not always for TAZ. There’s something cathartic about seeing a character die, but sometimes it sits wrong with me in ways that I don’t like. As for writing, I’d rather kill a character for a reason rather than for shock value/for the Feels, though said Feels can accompany the reason. 

[nixonsmoviereviews]

"Spectral"- A fast-paced high-concept Sci-Fi thriller. Not particularly original, but strong visual direction and heart-pounding action make it a fun watch.

The history of "Spectral" is a strange story indeed. Originally a co- production between Universal and Legendary Pictures, the film is the brainchild of first time feature director Nic Mathieu and established writer George Nolfi, and stars a relatively talented cast of name actors including the likes of James Badge Dale, Bruce Greenwood, Emily Mortimer and even a small turn from the delightful Stephen Root. With a moderately sized budget, an entertaining high-concept story and top- notch talent on both sides of the camera, the film seemed like a surefire hit. They even got the effects geniuses of WETA to supply the many excellent digital effects. It was given a tentative Summer 2016 release and the stage seemed set. Then something happened. The film was given virtually no advertising. Hype was all but absent. And you could barely find a lick of information about it, despite a looming release window. While reports are sketchy, it seems Universal got cold feet regarding the project. Evidently, the executives in charge weren't pleased with the finished results, and decided to sever ties with the film, leaving it entirely in the hands of Legendary, who were out millions of dollars and now without a theatrical distributor at the last minute. Which is sadly something of a theme with some higher-concept projects Universal has been involved with at one time or another in the past. They seem all too game to begin work on these types of projects... only to either back out or otherwise screw over the production at the zero-hour. With seemingly no other options, Netflix eventually stepped up to the plate and the film was released in the Winter of 2016 as a "Netflix Original." Frankly... I don't know what Universal were thinking! While nothing revolutionary and suffering some clunky sequences and a few too many clichés, "Spectral" is actually quite a bit of fun, and is never anything less than completely entertaining. It's action-schlock through and though. But it seems to understand this and puts all its effort into giving us consistent and increasingly fierce thrills from start-to-finish. We follow DARPA scientist Dr. Mark Clyne (Dale), as he is whisked away to a war-zone in Eastern Europe and informed of a situation- some mysterious force is taking out American soldiers... a force that is apparently invisible to the human eye but visible through the use of hyperspectral imaging goggles that Clyne developed for the military. There to supervise, Clyne eventually finds himself drawn into an intense and violent conflict as it soon becomes all too obvious that the enemy aren't normal humans using adaptive camouflage as originally hypothesized... but that they just might be a dark force from beyond the realm of human understanding. The movie is a roller-coaster ride. With slick and stylish visual direction and a fun premise that mixes military dramas such as "Black Hawk Down" with supernatural Sci-Fi thrillers like "Aliens", it's a blast and a half from start to finish. First time director Mathieu is very confident in his abilities and demonstrates a keen understanding of flow and visual narrative. The budget is estimated to be in the $50-$70 million range, but Mathieu's wonderful sense of composition, movement and framing makes it look far grander. I've seen films with $200 million budgets that don't look this good. It's startling how much he is able to achieve with comparatively so little, and the film aesthetically rivals the best of the best in terms of big- budget Hollywood fare. And my lord, the action is just relentless and will leave your heart pounding. It's creative, fun and mixes good old- fashioned stunt-work with the latest innovations of computer technology in a very admirable way. I truly hope Mathieu is given another chance to direct a big-budget film for the big-screen. I'm very curious to see where he goes from here. I was also quite impressed with the cast. Our leads in James Badge Dale and Emily Mortimer are both quite good in their respective roles and are able to give a lot of weight to what are admittedly stock "heroic" characters. I also very much enjoyed Max Martini and Bruce Greenwood in supporting roles as members of the military. Especially Martini, who is ton of fun. (And also worked with lead James Badge Dale in Michael Bay's film "13 Hours") And even the smaller parts played by the likes of Stephen Root, Clayne Crawford and Cory Hardrict are very well cast. Just a good, solid ensemble that bring the film to life in the best of ways. Where the film doesn't fare so well is the writing. Not to say I had any particular problem with the script by George Nolfi... It's just a bit too reliant on the old clichés and has a few too many clunky sequences that don't always add up. Characters are particularly stock for the most part and the story hits all of the beats you'd expect it to, which robs much of the suspense. And without spoiling anything, the film makes a rather hard left turn towards the final act that might very well be too much for some to swallow. But honestly, when all is said and done... "Spectral" is here to entertain. And entertain it does! The action is fast and ferocious. Performances are quite good for the most part. And it's a competently made film with some fine visual storytelling. It won't win any awards, but as far as high-concept action goes... you could definitely do worse. I give it a solid 7 out of 10.

[kcaruth]

Movie Mania: Top 10 of 2018

This one was difficult. Those who have followed this blog for a while will know that for the past two years I have done a top 15 list of favorite films. That is largely because 2016 and 2017 cranked out so many great films, and I could not restrict myself to 10. However, 2018 turned out to be a rather lackluster year for film, in my opinion. Sure, there were some high points, but overall it was disappointing. It was actually easy to stick to a list of 10 this time, and those 10 films are all deserving of praise. I just wish they had some tougher competition to go up against. I digress, though. I now give you my spoiler-free list of favorite films of 2018.

Honorable Mention: Bumblebee

A collaboration between Travis Knight, the director of Kubo and the Two Strings, and Hailee Steinfeld? Count me in!

I stopped following the Transformers franchise after 2011′s Transformers: Dark of the Moon. One can only endure so many mind-numbing Michael Bay explosions before all of his or her brain cells die out. Here is a fun exercise that one of my college professors taught me; try it next time a Michael Bay Transformers movie comes on. Every time there is a cut, tap a pen or pencil or clap your hands. Frankly, it is quite overwhelming and hard to keep up with, and it is difficult not to notice every single unnecessary, jarring cut after becoming conscious of them through this exercise.

Contrast that with 2018′s Bumblebee. At Knight’s direction, the film forgoes most of those flashy explosions in favor of a more intimate approach to actual character development. Knight wisely chooses to keep the audience grounded and focused on the human characters, namely Steinfeld’s Charlie Watson, a teenage girl who is still struggling to come to terms with the death of her father while harboring resentment of her mother for remarrying. As far as the robots go, while the other Transformers movies went overboard with filling the screen with as many Decepticons and Autobots as they could, Knight really only has the titular Bumblebee and a couple of Decepticons hunting him down, ensuring that the action scenes and the film itself do not feel too bloated. Bumblebee is the course correction that this franchise so desperately needed.

#10: Eighth Grade

I was cringing throughout the run time of Eighth Grade, but somehow that is a compliment to this film. Uncompromising in its excruciating honesty, Eighth Grade hits the bullseye when it targets the audience’s empathy for an anxious 13-year-old during her last week of eighth grade named Kayla Day, played by Elsie Fisher. As his debut feature film, writer-director Bo Burnham has stated that he drew inspiration from his own struggles with social anxiety, so the script feels genuine and absent of any Hollywood edits. While Kayla is certainly the main focus of the film, Burnham provides a surprisingly touching character arc for her single father, Mark, played by Josh Hamilton. Mark desperately attempts to connect with his teenage daughter, but it seems like all she cares about having a connection with is her phone and social media. With themes of mental health, heavy use of social media, and sexuality, Burnham delivers one of the most uncomfortable scenes I have ever sat through in a movie theater, which is most likely exactly how he intended it to feel.

I cannot help but compare Eighth Grade to 2016′s Edge of Seventeen, another coming-of-age comedy-drama about a teenage girl by a debut director. If I was given the choice between the two films, I would pick Edge of Seventeen, which I believe is much more re-watchable, garnering that intended empathetic response from the audience with half the cringe. Both are brilliant, but those who have not seen Edge of Seventeen should do themselves a favor and give it a watch.

#9: Won’t You Be My Neighbor?

With so much hate and negativity in the world today, Morgan Neville’s documentary about Fred Rogers is a shining beacon of hope that restores one’s faith in humanity. Using archival footage as well as interviews with those closest to Rogers, Neville paints an intimate portrait of the man who welcomed audiences into his neighborhood through his pioneering television program. Without deifying Rogers, Neville shows how this American treasure dedicated every fiber of his being to teaching children how to be upstanding human beings who care deeply for one another, despite our differences. This documentary proves that Rogers’ lessons were not just for children, though. In fact, Won’t You Be My Neighbor? often feels like a one-on-one session with Rogers, encouraging audience members that they are all capable of good through simple acts of kindness.

#8: The Ballad of Buster Scruggs

Unfortunately, this American western is sure to fly under most people’s radar because it was a Netflix release that I do not recall having much fanfare and advertising. Written and directed by Joel and Ethan Coen, this film is an anthology of six different vignettes set in the American West. Sporting a stellar cast with the likes of Liam Neeson, Tim Blake Nelson, James Franco, Zoe Kazan, Brendan Gleeson, and more, The Ballad of Buster Scruggs flexes the Coen’s signature style of dark drama and black humor while impressively tackling all of the sub-genres within the greater Western genre.

Each of the vignettes are tied together by death in some form or fashion. While my ranking of them changes from day to day, my favorite and least favorite remain consistent. It is virtually impossible to not fall in love with the first vignette, “The Ballad of Buster Scruggs,” which is about a cheerful outlaw known just as widely for his singing as his gunslinging. The final vignette featuring a handful of characters cramped together on a stagecoach ride called “The Mortal Remains,” on the other hand, feels somewhat out of place and ends the film with a bit of a dud. Along the way between these two vignettes, however, viewers encounter enchanting tales of a bank robber, an impresario and his artist, a prospector, and a wagon train on the Oregon Trail.

As the Coen’s first film to be shot digitally, The Ballad of Buster Scruggs boasts some impressive cinematography, especially when it comes to wide sweeping shots, like any decent Western should. It also features a wonderfully delightful score that I desperately hope gets an Oscar nod. Not a week has gone by since I have watched this film where I do not find myself humming one of the songs or music from it. The acting throughout the different vignettes of the film is topnotch, and the actors look like they are having a blast in their roles.The Ballad of Buster Scruggs is a fun time that leaves viewers longing for more time in the American West. For those who cannot find the time to sit down for the whole film, I must urge them to at least watch the first vignette about Buster Scruggs, which is worth the price of admission on its own.

#7: Isle of Dogs

Set in a dystopian Japan, Wes Anderson’s stop-motion animated Isle of Dogs tells the story of a boy searching for his dog on Trash Island after an outbreak of canine flu. Voiced by an all-star cast including Bryan Cranston, Jeff Goldblum, Scarlett Johansson, and Bill Murray, Isle of Dogs is an epic adventure with its fair share of plot twists along the way. Alexandre Desplat provides a brilliant score for the film that matches Anderson’s comedic quirkiness and thematic choices. I would not consider myself a fan of Anderson’s distinct film style, but I do consider myself a huge fan of dogs and enjoyed Isle of Dogs. (Get the title of the film? Pronounce it out loud quickly. I Love Dogs.)

#6: Game Night

Game Night made me laugh out loud like I have not done in a long time at the movie theater. Starring Jason Bateman and Rachel McAdams, the film follows the hilariously ridiculous premise of a group of friends whose game night gets wrapped up in a criminal escapade. In addition to Bateman and McAdams’ great, fun chemistry as the husband and wife duo of Max and Annie Davis, Jesse Plemons’ portrayal of Gary Kingsbury, Max and Annie’s weird neighbor, delivers some moments of pure laughter. For a film that is high on laughs, Game Night manages to string the audience along with its surprisingly competent mystery, complete with reveals and twists that both shock and amuse viewers. Be sure to stick around for the credits and post-credits.

#5: A Quiet Place

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a big baby when it comes to horror movies. I absolutely loathe jump scares and will watch horror movies through my fingers if I am forced to watch one. However, I had heard so much positive buzz about John Krasinski’s A Quiet Place that I could not allow myself to make this list without seeing it first, and boy am I glad I summoned the courage to see it. A Quiet Place is a masterclass in tension, tone, pacing, sound design, and character development.

The plot centers around the Abbott family in a post-apocalyptic world inhabited by blind monsters that attack any source of sound with their heightened sense of hearing. Nothing is known about the origins of these monsters, only that they have wiped out most human and animal life on Earth. In this hopeless world, Lee and Evelyn Abbott struggle to fill their children with hope for the future.

The performances in A Quiet Place are some of the best of the year. The actors have an added degree of difficulty of having very minimal to no dialogue during the entire film, so their facial expressions and body language have to do most of the talking. One of the more impressive feats of A Quiet Place is the characters communicate in American Sign Language, and the actors actually learned ASL for the film. Millicent Simmonds, who plays Regan Abbott, is deaf and knows ASL, so she was able to help her co-stars with ASL, make corrections, and suggest improvements.

Krasinski has said that A Quiet Place is all about parenthood. Along with this theme, the film contains many Christian images and themes that are fascinating to pick apart and ponder. With so much depth, A Quiet Place delivers an original story that grips audiences. Although I did not see it in theaters, I am sure that people could hear a pen drop in their viewings.

#4: Bohemian Rhapsody

For all of its inaccuracies, creative liberties, and unevenness, Bohemian Rhapsody took the world by storm as the highest grossing music biopic and reinvigorated a love of Queen and its leading man, Freddie Mercury. Rami Malek runs away with the film as he disappears into his role as Mercury, so much so that audience members might have to pinch themselves to remember that they are not watching the real Freddie Mercury. Seriously, Malek has to be a surefire Oscar contender for this performance. Not only does he masterfully recreate Mercury’s mannerisms and moves onstage, he also channels his pain and feelings of isolation to bring audiences a fully realized depiction of the superstar. The supporting cast is good too, although Malek’s stellar performance does overshadow them, through no fault of their own.

For its finale, Bohemian Rhapsody gifts audiences with one of the most moving, memorable set pieces in all of film for 2018, the 1985 Live Aid concert. In a word, it is epic. Bohemian Rhapsody teaches lessons of acceptance, love, individuality, and the power of music and leaves viewers wishing they could have had a few more years with the amazing Freddie Mercury. This is one of those instances where the majority of critics should be ignored. Even if viewers are new to Queen, they should not miss this film.

#3: Green Book

Bolstered by fantastic performances by Viggo Mortensen and Mahershala Ali, Peter Farrelly’s Green Book takes a relatively unknown true story about a concert tour to the Deep South in the 1960s with African-American pianist Dr. Don Shirley (Ali) and his driver/bodyguard, Italian-American Tony Vallelonga (Mortensen), and tackles its subject matter without being too heavy-handed and maintaining respect for its characters. The script treats Vallelonga and Shirley as real human beings. Contrary to most film tropes, neither completely changes his character after a single event or incident. Instead, that change occurs slowly over the course of their road trip. Both men learn from one another, despite their disparate backgrounds. Mortensen and Ali are both worthy of Oscar nominations, though I think I would give the edge to Mortensen.

For a film about racism, identity, and the dangerous Jim Crow South, Green Book remains accessible to all audiences. It is full of heart and is brimming with that feel-good aura. As Mick LaSalle wrote in The San Francisco Chronicle, Green Book is “so big in its spirit, that the movie acquires a glow. It achieves that glow slowly, but by the middle and certainly by the end, it's there, the sense of something magical happening, on screen and within the audience.”

#2: Annihilation

I have not stopped thinking about Alex Garland’s Annihilation since it came out way back in February. Garland, the director of one of my favorite films released in 2015 Ex Machina, puts together an impressive cast starring Natalie Portman, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Gina Rodriguez, Tessa Thompson, Tuva Novotny, and Oscar Isaac to deliver a truly intoxicating film that leaves audiences deep in thought well after the credits roll. Based on Jeff VanderMeer’s novel of the same name, Annihilation follows a group of scientists who enter a mysterious quarantined area known as the Shimmer. Inside the Shimmer, flora and fauna undergo uncontrollable mutations. The scientists explore the Shimmer in an attempt to learn its secrets and discover what happened to the military team that was sent in before them.

The atmospheric, bone-chilling score sticks in viewers’ memories and adds to the intense tone of the film. Speaking of tone, Annihilation might bring audiences to the verge of suffocation because of how breathtaking it is. It has possibly the scariest, most dreadful scene of any film from this decade that comes from the stuff of nightmares and leaves audiences haunted. For all of its terrifying elements, however, this sci-fi film also showcases some downright gorgeous scenes that let the imagination run wild. Unlike many sci-fi films these days, Annihilation is not afraid to slow down and let scenes marinate in viewers’ minds. With so many avenues to explore as far as themes go, from ethics to grief to depression to humanity’s propensity for its own self-destruction, Annihilation is a film that should be talked about for a long time to come.

#1: Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

This was the easiest decision on my whole list. No other film came close to the number one spot after I saw Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse. I remember seeing trailers for this film throughout 2018, but I did not have high expectations for it and almost blew it off. After all, with all of the Spider-Man films we have had in recent years, how could this one stand out apart from its animation?

The hype is real. Spider-Man is one of the most well-rounded films of 2018. It expertly balances its genuinely funny comedic moments with its emotionally moving dramatic ones. It takes risks that pay off with its bold storytelling, which is full of charm and satisfying superhero action. There is obvious care and attention to detail poured into every frame of this film, a work of art that is a love letter to superhero comic books. The creators of the film wanted it to feel like "you walked inside a comic book," and they hit it out of the park. The computer-generated animation works in concert with line drawings, paintings, dots, and various comic book art styles to make the film look like it was created by hand. It even has word boxes and bubbles that somehow are not too obstructive or distracting. As Todd Howard, the director and executive producer at Bethesda Game Studios, is famous for saying, “all of this just works.”

For such a large ensemble of characters voiced by ingenious choices like Mahershala Ali, Hailee Steinfeld, and Nicolas Cage, Spider-Man gives each of them equal footing while keeping the spotlight squarely on Miles Morales (Shameik Moore), the new Spider-Man. Lily Tomlin voices what may be my favorite version of Aunt May, and many other Spider-Man staple characters make great appearances.

The soundtrack is catchy and fits the bill for what a kid Miles’ age would listen to. There are tons of Easter eggs for hardcore Spider-Man fans to uncover, and there are pop culture winks and nods that most people familiar with the Spider-Man franchise will understand and enjoy. Of course, the late, great Stan Lee has a touching cameo, one of his best yet.

Every part of this stand-alone story feels fresh, and the characters have so much depth to them. It is hard to come up with an original concept that reinvents the superhero genre, but Spider-Man has done just that and more. This revolutionary, culturally important film was a joy to watch, and it may go down as the best Spider-Man film yet. Certainly, it has to be a serious contender for the best film of 2018.

The following are a list of all of the films I saw from 2018, in no particular order:

·         Green Book

·         The Ballad of Buster Scruggs

·         Pope Francis: A Man of His Word

·         My Hero Academia: Two Heroes

·         Black Panther

·         Annihilation

·         Game Night

·         Ready Player One

·         Isle of Dogs

·         A Quiet Place

·         Avengers: infinity War

·         Deadpool 2

·         Solo: A Star Wars Story

·         Incredibles 2

·         Ant-Man and the Wasp

·         BlacKkKlansman

·         Bad Times at the El Royale

·         Mowgli: Legend of the Jungle

·         First Man

·         Ralph Breaks the Internet

·         Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

·         Aquaman

·         Bumblebee

·         Bohemian Rhapsody

·         Bird Box

·         Won’t You Be My Neighbor?

·         Eighth Grade

My 2017 film list: http://kcaruth.tumblr.com/post/171040800751/movie-mania-top-15-of-2017

My 2016 film list: http://kcaruth.tumblr.com/post/156340406236/movie-mania-top-15-of-2016

[ithoughtyouweredifferent]

Chapter 9 Dinner “Party”

Fact: Dry erase markers take off permanent markers as explained in the story.

Disclaimer: Y’all, I don’t have any idea what is going on in Lin’s mind for the future I made up so much BS for this it’s not even funny. But I think it’s a decent idea, not one that could actually become anything but something me, an amateur little writer thinks might be a cool story. Also, entrance from Lin best friend Chris because we all need best friends

Word Count: about 4,000

part 8

Table of Contents

Chapter 10 (link also at bottom)

Dinner. With Lin. You hadn’t seen him in so long, you didn’t know if you should pick up where you left off, be friends, thank him for getting you your dream job and go your separate ways, honestly all you could do was be thankful that there were going to be other people with you not just the two of you like it would have been if you could’ve gotten away for lunch earlier.

Unknown Number:

We are all meeting at a soup and sandwich place about three blocks from your office. It’s supposed to be good do you know it?

and there was an address at the bottom of it, you had hardly finished reading it when there was another

Unknown Number:

Sorry this is Lin, Probably should’ve told you that before

Well that’s reassuring, how he had gotten your number was a mystery but you went ahead and entered it as a contact you had barely tapped save when it buzzed again

Lin

I found this number on the museum website, I am texting the right person right? If not this is really awkward

you laughed at him and saved him some minor stress

Y/N

Yeah, Lin, it’s Y/N. That place has fantastic Broccoli soup. Who else is gonna be there with us?

Lin

Mostly people from the broadway world, a few people who got me there, old roomate, etc. Family was last week so there shouldn’t be any of them. Meet you there at 8?

Y/N

Sounds like a plan, can’t wait

And you couldn’t. You thought about Tanya’s warning, sure you weren’t exactly a “smiley face and sunshine” person when you had met her, but she had made it out to be as if you had been a sniveling little heartbroken lost child in a world of gray. But this was Lin, someone you hadn’t seen in years. The person who had helped you get this job that brought you as close to the “sunshine and smiley face” person as you had ever been in your life. It wasn’t like you were going out on a one-on-one date tonight, you were probably not even going to actually have more than two words with him tonight. What was the point of haveing a big reunion thing if you, the one who has been gone, won’t even really be able to see but five or so people?

You were not glancing constantly at the clock trying to decide when was the right time to leave. Most certainly not looking at your watch, Or your phone. Or the mantle clock. Or the clock on the kitchen wall. You hadn’t once looked at the clock in your bedroom. Your house was a clock free zone, yeah. No. More like you couldn’t stop checking the time. By the time 7:45 came around you were forcing yourself to walk at a normal New Yorker pace so you wouldn’t get there too early and frankly be attracting crazy attention to yourself by running down the sidewalk in a skirt.

You got to the corner the restaurant was on at almost precisely 8 but you had to be in the wrong place. You checked the address and the time that he had sent you and you were where you were supposed to be, but the place was almost empty. After a few seconds of thought, you went inside the restaurant to see if anyone looked familiar. You were about to make a fool of yourself craning your neck when a hostess appeared

“Hi, I was wondering if there was a large party here tonight? Ideally, he was smart enough to warn you ahead of time, maybe using the name-”

“Y/N!” Lin called waving at you and you smiled up at him,

“Never mind thank you,” you smiled at the woman and walked over to him and found yourself once again engulfed in a hug, “Where is everybody?” You asked, “I was expecting to get in two sentences with you tops because you would have so many,”

“Well, they canceled,” he said bouncing room foot to foot until he pulled a chair out for you,

“You’re kidding right?” you laughed as he sat down in front of you,

“Nope,” he popped the P, “It was so weird I thought this place was going to be packed and then poof everybody got sick or had other plans or an emergency come up, do I stink or something? You and Chris are the only two that didn’t have a sudden reason not to show and he should have been here at least ten minutes ago,” he stretched to see if his old friend had arrived but so far nobody but you, “Until he gets here, and kills you with questions, I wanna know, how’ve you been? It seemed like you were happier today than I think I’d ever seen you,”

“You have no idea, I love it. The people I work with are amazing. They understand me and we all think the same way and we all are just kind of missing something and a little lost and we’ve honestly made a family there. It’s insane and wonderful. And the items that go through our collection you would die if you had seen some of the documents and objects and relics and mementos that I’ve been able to see and touch. I’ve got a life here Lin. It’s amazing. The city is overwhelming at times, a little scary every now and again but I’ve been here for three years and I still keep falling more in love with it every day,” you raved on and on and he sat there his chin resting on his hand as he smiled at you as if he could listen to you talking all day. No, not you talking, listen to someone talking about this. You quickly corrected yourself. “Happy, for such a simple word it has so much meaning to it, so many layers of-”

“Hey miss Happy life rainbows and unicorns, who are you and what have you done to my Socrates?”

“Shut up,” you poked his arm, “I’m working on being less negative and avoiding people who try to bring me down, you’re bringing me down,”

“Oh did I mention I have confetti and glitter to go with your rainbows and unicorns?” he asked with an adorable grin on his face, and you knew you had a small smile on your face as well, at least one thing hadn’t changed–you always smiled with him around,

“Material symbols of happiness mean nothing to me,”

“There’s the Socrates I know and Love,” he grinned, “Gotta make sure there is some part of you that’s in there, I‘m not sure what I’d do if everything about you had changed,” you tried not to think about that too much, “I mean somehow in three years you got more beautiful, I don’t know how but you did, you’re enjoying your day to day life, you have people that you talk to that will listen to you like you deserve, I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep up,” friendly compliments. He is complimenting you, not flattering you. You do not want him to be doing anything other than complimenting you,

“I only got here because you wouldn’t mind your own business,”

“I swear I never said a word to them about you,” he raised his hands in defense, “You got the job because of you, just like you wanted just like I knew you would,” he dropped his hands and you gave him a small smile,

“Hey-oh,” Lin all but jumped out if his chair at Chris’s sudden entrance, “Chris Jackson,” he stuck out his hands and narrowed his eyes at you, “you’re Y/N, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, I am,” you tilted your head at Lin after you shook Chris’s hand, “Why would you assume that?” he chuckled,

“Chris knew everyone who was coming and you’re one of the only people I that he wouldn’t recognize, deductive reasoning skills,” Lin said quickly and Chris snorted sitting down beside his friend,

“And you might’ve been mentioned once or twice a while back,” Chris added much to Lins obvious chagrin

“Oh? In a good way, I hope?” You tried to laugh to cover up how incredibly unsure you what was going on and exactly how much you needed to get home and for what reason.

“How about that weather?” Lin suddenly piped up when neither of them answered, “I mean sunnier than London, colder than Florida was, but warmer than Greenland which is good I guess, I mean if it wasn’t that’d be not so good,” Lin  rambled bouncing in his seat, and you raised an eyebrow at him,

“You never did tell me where you’ve been since the toothpaste commercials, don’t get me wrong you were great but other than, ‘researching and writing’…” you questioned,

“I mean, I’m not done, nowhere near it. But I think that this one has some great potential. get this,” he leaned in over the table and you couldn’t help but do the same even though Chris reclined back in his chair clearly having already heard this, “So focusing on how intermingled everyone’s lives are, it has several main settings and of course, it stretches reality in some places but that’s a given,”

“Obviously,” you said sarcastically but he ignored you and kept going

“and there are going to be lots of dual roles from the ensemble and supporting leads I’ve spent ages working on wordplay so that it works for multiple roles at once, like how the opening number of Ham. did,” he clarified to make sure you were still with him, "mostly songs but two or three scenes that aren’t necessary to the flow and storyline for people who can only get the OBC soundtrack but some quote un quote ‘normal’ scenes. All of the main characters have completely different backgrounds-cultures, ethnicities, native language, religions, professions, family life, the whole nine yards. I’m taking stereotypes to the theatrical extreme for effect but I think it will still be realistic. But anyway, the characters are all so different there is no way they could possibly have anything to do with those people, being the other characters, but they keep crossing paths and they have common ties that on the surface seem impossible but it’s relatable to people because we all have these people in our lives that from a distance don’ belong. I’ve listened to so many stories and talked to so many people of all ages so I’ve got so many different ideas to pull from and there are always more, I think I have a few people in mind for some of the parts but there is so much to write still so,” he leaned back abruptly, “I’ve got a good solid plan for the whole thing and a fair portion written and a good amount well plotted, it’ll be neat seeing where it ends up,”he shrugged

“Well I’m calling dibs on tickets now,” you tried to sound serious but you couldn’t, “I want to see at least one of your masterpieces before I die,” and he raised his eyebrows,

“Deal,”

“Who am I in this one?” Chris asked, “Do I get to be the bad guy?”

“Since when do I have ‘bad guys’?” Chris just looked at him, “What makes you think you’re a part of this?”

“I distinctly remember you promising me on multiple occasions that I’ve got a job as long as you do,”

“He’s right,” you added and Cris high-fived you across the table,

“Yeah listen to your woman, If she can call dibs on tickets I’m calling dibs on the antagonist, no more of this friend showing you the right way mess,”

“You’d make a nice stagehand,” you cackled at his wounded expression, “watch it Socrates or I’ll force you to be a swing. A Super Swing at that, maybe just a lead,” he threatened and your laugh only got worse, he knew that you would die before you got on stage especially to star in the show

“I promise, you do not want me on your stage,” Chris nodded far too enthusiastically in agreement, “You’ve never even heard me sing,” you exclaimed at his reaction

“Neither has he and he’s giving you my spot!” He protested, “and you laughed at my expense,” it was insane how easy it was to talk to these two people one of which was an absolute stranger you were more than mildly star struck by and the other someone that you were very starstruck by and your friend and your ex that you hadn’t seen or heard from in years

“Whatever you say, are we planning on actually ordering food tonight or are we just taking up table space?” you asked

“I dunno, you said the soup here is good?”

“Broccoli soup is my favorite but I’ve had a mean roast beef sandwich and they’ve got an insane Shepard’s pie,” you suggested, both of the men looked over the menu, upon seeing you actually get serious about the food a waiter came over,

“What can I get you this evening?”

“Diet coke, and stuffed mushrooms for me,” Chris put his menu back on the end of the table,”

“I’ll have broccoli soup and Sprite thank you,” you smiled at him as he scribbled it down.

“I guess I’ll have a diet coke and Swedish meatballs thanks”

“I’ve never had that here,” you told him when the waiter walked away

“Neither have,” you gave him a no duh look, “You can try some of mine,” he offered and you could swear that your eyes popped out of your head, “on the condition I get to try this broccoli soup you speak so highly of,” you tried not to react other than nodding your head,

“Sure thing,” ignoring Chris’s guffaw

“Smooth,” you thought you heard him murmur to his friend, after that you didn’t know what to talk about,

“So you’ll never believe what Taylor did to a vase about 3,000-year-old yesterday,” you blurted, they wouldn’t care about this but you couldn’t stand the silence, Lin looked somewhat interested but Chris coughed,

“nerds,”

“Please tell me he didn’t break it,”

“Oh no worse,” Lin looked surprised

“What can you do to an ancient vase that is worse than breaking it?”

“He dropped it and a modern replica that is obviously a fake - as in it was probably made in a middle school art class out of red clay and the creator probably didn’t even realize what it looked like, and so, Taylor, dear Taylor broke this replica almost the same when he dropped it - but of course not exactly so it didn’t fit right at all but he thought that he did and he used a tube of Gorilla Glue, very messily, to glue the modern piece to where the original was missing a shard,

“No” he gasped,

“Oh yes, I mean, breaking it could have happened to anyone I suppose - although it shouldn’t at that got the whole place in serious trouble because it was 100% irreplaceable - but it was the method of repairing the problem that iced the cake,”

“What are you going to do?” He asked

“Wish I knew, we don’t want to break it further, but how else are we going to remove the gorilla glue from this incredibly fragile piece?”

“You know that that glue is activated by water right?” Chris asked, “Just lightly mist it or wipe it with a wet cloth,” He shrugged and you looked at him like his ears were on backward,

“water and gorilla glue?” you wondered

“Yeah,”

“I never knew,” Lin commented in amazement, “that explains so much, I have this old pair of flip flops that I have kazy glued the left shoe back together a hundred times and they’ll be fine until I wear them to the beach or something..I’d always thought it was something about the minerals and stuff in the salt water corroding them again or something,”

“For people so incredibly intelligent…you know that if you color over the permanent marker with a dry erase or washable and wipe the dry erase off the permanent marker will come off too, right?” he asked,

“Very funny Jackson,” Lin rolled his eyes,

“Seriously, hand me a sharpie,” he told Lin holding out his hand,

“Why would I have a sharpie on me?”

“Lin,”

“fine,” he turned to go through his coat pockets on the back of his chair while Chris pulled a compact mirror and looked to you,

“You have an expo or something?”

“Why would I-oh whatever,” you pulled three from your purse, “Green, blue, or black?” you laid them on the table and Chris took the green one and the sharpie Lin had retrieved. He signed his name on the mirror and gave it a few seconds to prove it was dry before he opened your expo and covered it completely mostly in a circular loop-de-loop pattern. He then took a napkin and wiped the mirror clean,

“woah,” you and Lin looked at the clean compact in fascination, “Just on mirrors or does it work on normal glass too?” You asked

“If it’s something you would normally be able to wipe dry erase markers off of then this works,” he promised

“Woah,” you repeated with Lin

“Nerds,” Chris scoffed right as the food arrived, As soon as the server had walked away with a promise to be back if you needed anything Lin jumped right in grabbing a spoon taking some of your soup,

“ha-ha-hot!’ Lin exclaimed waving his hands around his head and you couldn’t help but laugh,

“Glad it’s not cold,” you snickered, “that’s what you get for taking my food,” and you swiped one of his meatballs while he took large gulps of his drink “you didn’t even taste it did you?”

“no,” he said and he actually looked sad about it, “what if in two minutes I take another spoonful of it and you can have half of another meatball,”

“Why do I feel like a third wheel even though I’m the best friend who didn’t think anyone else but coworkers and crap was going to be here? Oh right, because you’re acting like you’re on a date and I’m the best friend that joined the party late,” Chris complained but snickered when both yours and Lins faces turned eight hues darker “What happened to all of the other people who you said were coming?”

You carefully took a spoonful of your soup as you waited for an answer other than the ‘everyone canceled’ excuse you had gotten earlier,

“I don’t know, I sent everyone pretty much the same invite and a couple wanted to know who was going to be here and when I told them they all canceled-except you and then their closest associates canceled and then down the chain it went,” he explained seeming genuinely confused and you felt sorry, all of his friends that he had been hoping to meet up with again had bailed on him probably because of some stupid issue between each other

“Yep. Definitely, the best friend third wheel that missed the memo,” Chris sighed, “These mushrooms are gross, why did you let me order them?” He accused staring at you,

“How was I supposed to know you wouldn’t like them?” you defended, “Lin if you want some soup to take it now, or it’ll be gone,” he shook his head, “Chris?” That felt awkward but it would be rude to just ignore him but you and lin had switched food around like an old married couple countless times so it was normal for you both buy you didn’t know Chris like you had known Lin and you were a little grateful when he declined,

“Nah, I’ll pass,” from there it was relative silence. Chris talked about a gig he had been looking at and was probably going to take, Lin talked about Germany for a bit but for the most part, it was quiet, you hated the quiet but you weren’t going to be the one to break it again. By the time you had all paid and were ready to leave it felt like you had a heavy tension suffocating you,

“How long are you going to be here?” You asked Lin as you all three walked out the door,

“A while I think, I think it’s time to stay in one piece and try to get it all on paper and to live a little, make amends with some friends it seems,” you nodded and were about to all three go your sperate ways when Chris grabbed your arm,

“I am not really sure what is going on between you two, but he is my best friend and he can be a bit flighty and scatterbrained and very very happy to see the best in people and ignore flaws. But you need to keep in mind it has been three years, no matter how often you would come up since then between me and him, he has a lot out there for him and he doesn’t deserve to be as tore up as he was when you two broke it off. You two had a nice thing for a few months, but it’s been three years and you can’t try and pull him backward. He’s a good man and he doesn’t need you or anyone to mess up his mind or his gentle heart, okay?” He wasn’t using a threatening tone but he was warning you and he was serious and worried for his friend and maybe a little uncomfortable,

“Don’t worry. I just like seeing him happy okay, I had a nice time tonight but the ceremony Thursday will probably be the last I see of him. I’m not going to hurt him, what kind of sick person do you think I am that would want to hurt him?”

“Just be careful,” Chris warned and then he hailed down his own cab leaving you to walk to your place. He was probably reading way more into it than there actually was. Sure you and Lin had been good together once, but that was a long time ago. He had much better people out there for him and while you knew you knew it was unlikely that you would ever find someone better for you that could make you as happy and lift your spirits like he did, there was someone else for you out there. Besides, it’s not like you still had feelings for him or that they could be so easily unearthed? Hopefully, but probably not. It’s hard not to fall for a guy like him and some impressions are going to last.

Chapter 10

[comfsy]

On Turning 40 With An Ancient Heart

In February, I realized that I was no longer sleeping well. On the rare nights that I did rest, my tracker said I went into only 20 minutes of deep sleep a night total. Plus, the hours of light or REM sleep that I did have were punctuated with awful nightmares.

After a particularly rough stretch of ugly darkness, my friend Naomi asked to chat one night before bed. I slept soundly for the first time in months. In the morning, I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw that I had one hour and fifteen minutes of deep sleep. In the shower, where all good ideas derive, I decided to ask for some help and see who would want to have a nighttime call with me to help me sleep better.

Worried it was too hokey, I texted my brother as my brain-check.

“Are you kidding!?” he exclaimed. “Everyone feels helpless in this mess. Give them something to do.”

He was right.

I put up a short sign-up sheet on my personal Facebook page on February 13th, and by the end of the day I had a call booked every single night, all the way until late May.

“Some species of trees spread root systems underground that interconnect the individual trunks and weave the individual trees into a more stable whole that can’t so easily be blown down in the wind,” wrote Rebecca Solnit in her essay A Short History of Silence. “Stories and conversations are like those roots.”

The nighttime calls were my root system that leant a beautiful intimacy to already existing friendships. Everyone who signed up already knew me fairly well. The combo of my present situation, plus the tenderness with which everyone tried to tiptoe around it, assured that the calls were truly wonderful.

I wanted to direct the conversation away from my explaining how I was doing. I wasn’t doing very well, and to repeat that night after night didn’t seem like an effective way to sleep better. So I decided to ask everyone two questions:

When life takes something or someone important from you or delivers a big blow, how do you find hope and joy again?

Does spirituality affect your ability to be resilient in life? (By this I meant lower-case “s” spirituality, general connectedness to all things / something greater, not necessarily Spirituality in a religious sense. For many who were religious, it was one and the same.)

The questions led to some beautiful discourse, a deep dive into wonder and the human experience. People felt comfortable sharing their own grief and losses, as well as how they picked themselves up again.

I listened, I shared, and I felt connected to the world in a way that I missed.

I slept well almost every night.

(c) CDD20 via Pixabay

***

The day before my 40th birthday, someone asked me how old I felt internally. I laughed, saying that we all felt younger than we were. But she meant an actual number. The question stemmed from an exchange she had with her friends, since none of them felt their age.

Does anyone feel their actual age, over the age of 30? I suppose I assumed we generally did not, that we were all milling around in various states of cognitive dissonance, waiting for a certainty that would never arrive.

I thought about it and calculated that my internal compass stopped at 28. That was the answer I gave last Wednesday, and it still fits after exploring the edges of the statement ever since. It was at 28 that I planned in earnest to leave my law job and start traveling. I didn’t plan to keep traveling. My one year sabbatical was supposed to morph into real life once more, and into a law job potentially in the public sector instead of a private firm.

But as the story goes, not so much with the return to the law.

Frankly, up until that point, I did things a bit backward. I started law school just after my 19th birthday, I billed 90 weeks at a fast-paced firm, then moved to a slightly smaller one to work in advertising law. While I did play mini-putt in the hallway with paralegals while waiting for my proxy statements to turn, the level of billable hours certainly wasn’t what my most of my friends in their early twenties were doing. And as anyone in the billable business knows, the astronomical hours billed in my first year of lawyering meant far more actual hours in the office all told.

From the judicious billing in 6-minute units, I took a sabbatical to turn to what I loved most in the world: learning as much as possible every day. That my thirst to absorb (and eat!) turned into a business was extraordinary. That it sustained my travels financially and led me to develop a community of travellers and readers who supported my work was… well, very delightful. Very humbling. How did these smart, capable people become interested in my site? Reader meetups were a wondrous marvel. I didn’t know how they got there. I just felt grateful.

Long-term Legal Nomads fans know that I never quit my job as a lawyer because I burned out. I quit because I wanted to see the world, and let those memories inform my next steps as an attorney. That I had the privilege to do so was never lost on me. Taken together, that privilege plus my profound awe that I mistakenly stumbled into a passion that became a career, meant that most of my days took little for granted.

And then this leak happened.

When I look back, I feel a loss of innocence. How could I have known to also be grateful for the ability to tie my own shoes? To walk down the street without fear of someone bumping into me and reversing my fragile healing?

I wrote about being in pain since I got dengue fever, and along the edges of that pain I found a deeper appreciation for my work and my life. At the time, it felt that my world was narrowing beyond recognition for each. It took adjustment to recalibrate to gratitude.

With the perspective I have now, those years feel ethereal and free. That journey toward grace, and my earlier reacquaintance with food when I learned I was a celiac, both feel expansive in retrospect.

(c) CDD20 via Pixabay

***

One of my favourite short quotes is by Italian writer Carlo Levi, who noted that “the future has an ancient heart.” In a 2011 column on The Rumpus, Cheryl Strayed shared it and added that the quote beautifully summarizes her belief that who we become is born of who we most primitively are. Strayed’s reply was to a request for a graduation speech for writers, many of whom dreaded entering the real world.

I think it’s a useful sentiment for you to reflect upon now, sweet peas, at this moment when the future likely feels the opposite of ancient, when instead it feels like a Lamborghini that’s pulled up to the curb while every voice around demands you get in and drive.

I remembered this column when I began to write this post. Those times where the future felt roaring and new are curiously hard to grasp. With the weight of tragedy, I’m not alone in struggling to reconcile who I was with how my heart and soul has evolved.

The future may have an ancient heart, but my present does too.

In the two years since this spinal leak began, my inbox overflowed regularly with the rattled confusion that accompanies deep misfortune. And I write those people back using my thumbs and I say, “Yes – what we actually know in our hearts feels murky in the midst of unfathomable disorientation. Yes. I hear you. I’m sorry. I’m listening.”

How do you trust your heart when you can’t put on your own socks? How do you close your eyes and be you when “you” no longer exists in some fundamental way? The catastrophe led each of us to this mysterious place where nothing makes any sense always fails to provide the way out.

The cold truth is that life just isn’t fair. Depending on our childhoods, we learn that lesson early. Or, we learn it later. Eventually, we figure it out. How we deal with the stoic certainty of that unfairness as it churns through us dictates how well we survive.

In those two years, I’ve come to believe what many before me have said. That way out is through. The way out is remembering what we are outside the bounds of our wounds. In a society obsessed with doing, identity often ties to your accomplishments, not who you are. Fighting through all that “doing” to get to the “being” sometimes feels like a salmon trying to swim upstream.

My life today life is life itty bitty teeny tiny through no fault of my own. Many weeks I cannot go outside. I am not alone in this place; I have found others with similar, persistent CSF leaks and similar complications following treatment. Together we hold ourselves aloft in the ether.

As I’ve written before, getting through this is not about thinking positive for me. It’s about choosing what serves this journey best. Anger corrodes, and the last thing I need is more of that. It has taken a conscious shift to force myself past the borders of reasonable reaction, and into something open-hearted. To accept this twisted lot I’ve received, and then transform those fiery feelings into something lighter and more empowering.

A wisp of life is what I have, sure. But my work each day is to find joy in that wisp. Or put another way: I can’t change what happened now, but I can change the way I wake up each day. Moment to moment, I have had to pull out my most powerful emotion-microscope to find ways to feel gratitude despite how much I grieve.

I have many tools that have helped me calibrate that microscope, and I absolutely could not have done it alone. I also could not have dedicated so much brainpower and time to overcoming the mental aspect of this big life change without my family holding the weight of my physical care.

The “how to stay sane within tragedy” is a question I receive each day from readers. I hope to write about it when my health allows. It’s one of the most important questions we can ask, even in the absence of calamity.

Every day, the choice looms: do we dust ourselves off and try to find joy, or do we wallow in suffering? It’s a decision we all have to make. I used to think that optimizing for joy alone meant that we were neglecting the reasons for suffering. I equated the shift in thinking to burying my head in the sand. Through this experience, I see that even when we have good reason to wallow, it doesn’t help us endure or overcome.

My stakes feel particularly acute, since most of my days are spent to myself. I first had to accept the intrinsic unfairness. Slowly now, I can untangle the knots of my frustration and despair, and flatten out the thread until it looks sleek. Neat and tidy.

And then the next day, I start all over again.

***

This picture was a generous gift from my friend Marie-Christine. A wedding photographer, she came over to shoot photos and make me feel glamorous for my 40th. I put on makeup for the first time in almost a year, went on the balcony, and MC did her thing.

A wise person once told me decades ago that it was smart never to compare my insides to someone else’s outsides. Few people wear their struggles on their sleeve or their face. We never know someone’s story, we can’t say what is weighing them down or lifting them up. We use our own beliefs, honed with however many years of bias, to make a judgement call about a stranger.

It doesn’t look like I spent 10 months in bed or that my brain is sinking into my spine, does it? There’s a reason they call it “invisible illness”. It’s one of 30 photos I’m set to receive, all taken last week. My smile and laughter are real. I had an excellent afternoon with a dear friend, even though I paid for being upright with some extra pain.

The afternoon was a reminder of what I’ve tried to remember as I pass through this extraordinary time. That each moment we get with someone we love, each second that we can find goodness and joy — that’s one moment we aren’t giving into what exists and can dredge us down.

***

“As my face changes, I will lose myself,” writes Chelsea G. Summers in a piece about the skincare industry. “The skin-deep existential crisis is this: Who am I when I don’t recognize myself in my own skin?”

As a woman, aging unfurls all sorts of whispered consequences. Peeking grey hair and wrinkles and yes, changing skin. These days, aging is somewhere in a storage space at the back of my mind. At forefront is instead the dearth of basics that I never thought I’d lack. Walking. Being able to tie my own shoes or cut my own toenails. Opening a heavy drawer. Cooking my own food. Laughing hard or coughing or sneezing without worrying about opening up a bigger leak in my spine.

It’s not been an easy few years. It’s been the hardest few years, harder than I ever thought I could sustain. I haven’t given up, and have surprised myself with the resilience I needed to power through. “I couldn’t do what you’re doing,” people tell me. Of course they could. We never know the depths of our own adaptability and strength until it’s deeply called into question.

My story is no exception, it’s just a story of extremes. Freedom to not-freedom, with the love of the world in between.

Learning as much as I could powered my life as a traveler, and it’s powering my life now. I’ve spent two years reading everything I could about neuroplasticity, immunology, and epigenetics. I’ve meditated more than is reasonable. Through force of imagination and curiosity, and with the help of many remarkable people, I’m no longer in the pit. Even though I don’t know when I’ll walk again without brain sag.

There are thousands and thousands of people who have shown me they care during this absurd time. I try to show up for other leakers in the same way, or for readers who are scared about their pain.

I dreaded my 40th for the last while because my plan was for years to summit a big mountain with my friends. But as the day approached, I made more peace with where I am. Is it where I wanted to be? Absolutely not. But the same lust for life that fuelled my too-young-to-be-lawyering years and my eating-all-of-the-soup years sustains me now.

Life changes in an instant, and I feel proud that I packed in more in my 40 years than many people get in a lifetime. For the last two years, I’ve had to live life from the inside-out, searching for answers that don’t exist. Trying to keep my brain afloat both literally and figuratively.

***

My actual birthday was as good as it could be given the circumstances. I woke up to a burst of love from around the globe from my family, community, and friends. Friends and my mum stopped in all day long in waves, to give me gentle hugs. My Montreal bestie, who you may remember from my post about how I officiated her wedding in Costa Rica, came over for sushi dinner and a beautiful cake.

The cake was specially by Kleine Shoppe. The owner, Katie, patiently took my short list of “ingredients that don’t cause a Jodi to go into anaphylaxis” and turned out one of the most beautiful cakes I’ve ever had the pleasure of eating.

  View this post on Instagram

  A post shared by Jodi Ettenberg Legal Nomads (@legalnomads) on Aug 16, 2019 at 5:43am PDT

To be clear, she chose the message not me. But it was both hilarious and delicious, and I saved some of it for future consumption.

I went to bed content on my 40th. Even without the foods I used to obsess over, I felt sated. And most of all, I felt deeply cared for.

Many of us have a hard time receiving love, and that’s been a lesson for me in the past two years. It’s hard not to feel unworthy – not of love generally, but the fierceness and care of so many who want to see me well. But the natural awkwardness of that feeling is far eclipsed by the strength it gives me, and the humbling effect the support has.

I’ve always looked young, something that was a liability as a lawyer, and a source of mirth as a traveler. But now, it feels particularly off-key. When I first arrived in New York as a summer associate I was 20. Amazed I was there at all, I would scrutinize people’s faces as they passed by. Who would I look like? Where would my life lead me in 20 years time? It’s always fascinating to remember the shape of those predictions in retrospect.

I look at my face and my face doesn’t look forty.

I look at my face and think, who cares how old my face looks?

In that 2011 Rumpus column, Strayed writes about the interstitial years between knowing your heart’s path and making it there, eventually.

The most terrible and beautiful and interesting things happen in a life. For some of you, those things have already happened. Whatever happens to you belongs to you. Make it yours. Feed it to yourself even if it feels impossible to swallow. Let it nurture you, because it will.

When I stare in the mirror, I see a weary but strong version of me that doesn’t jive with who I was, but is exactly who I am. Surprised and knowing all at once.

And in those quiet exhalations when the pain lessens for a blessed moment, I feel overwhelmed with pure love.

My soul in bloom and my ancient heart and my youthful face, all of it, braided together to help me feel whole.

-Jodi

How You Can Help

A lot of incredibly generous people have written to ask how to help during this time. I am not starting a Go Fund Me again, and unless things change I do not plan to.

However there are two easy ways to help.

1. Helping with awareness of CSF leaks

Make a donation to the CSF Spinal Leak Foundation, a 501(c)(3) charitable organization that has advocated tremendously for the condition I’m currently working to overcome. They are a lean organization, with those involved also dealing with spinal leaks – so every dollar counts. I’ve started a fundraiser for 1 week, via the Legal Nomads page. If you’re on Facebook, you can make a donation here until the fundraiser ends on August 22nd.

2. Helping me personally (which many of you have asked for specifically!)

I’ve told friends and extended family that the best way to help me is an Amazon gift card. This allows me purchase ingredients for foods I can eat, like teff and tiger nut flour, without my parents having to go hunt for them. I also use Amazon for the items that help with the disabilities I face – grabber devices, coccyx pillows, and my fave! Lying down glasses. You can send a gift card to legalnomads-at-gmail.com if you’d like to contribute to me personally.

***

PS. It seems my internal age broadcasts externally just fine, because several people joked that I looked 28 before I published this post. Here are a few of the responses from my birthday pics on FB and Instagram:

Best coincidence ever?

PPS. I had to end with a llama

Another of MC’s photos from our birthday photoshoot last week, with bonus llama photoshopped in by my always-creative friend, Laurence.

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