#but fuck theres a new thread everyday

[angry-healers]

[thesolotomyhan]

dating ismael “el mayo” zambada would include

a/n: hehe idk about yall pero pinshe ismael really came on screen and snatched me by the hair and attention away from amado,, theres also no gifs of him yet and im shit at doing it so have this photo that made me go hearteyes when i saw him like that-  a ny w a y s ignore my pendejadas heres a new head canon,, i hope you amores enjoy even though im not sure if hes popular among you guys :(( 

WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN

him and sus pinshes camaronsitos with his boat i-

so listen up alright because when i imagined ismael in a relationship,,,

this tall ass man would be so in love with you i literally feel like he would never half ass anything with you, thats kind of what i feel like he would aim for

like you can ask anything or whatever you want of him and hasta el cielo and stars baja el cabron just to see you smile,, he overreaches

thats how in love you have this mf for you

he just has the biggest fucking hearteyes possible whenever he sees you he would zone out of conversations just to admire you and get you to look over at him,,,, no one, nadie is comparable to you for him

its just HEARTEYES CITY with you 25/8 para el cabron-

and his kisses? he cannot get enough of your soft lips on his

so you bet hes putting all of his emotions into it,, he loves placing his hand on your jaw just in case you try to pull away before he can give you another,, all while his other arm snakes around you to pull you into him,, and him always mumbling something like “mi chulada preciosa,, como estas?” currently fucking sobbing brb

also he loves h a n d holding :((( like him threading his fingers with yours and bringing your hands up to his lips and kissing your hand,, smiling down at you:((( i cant

dios mio not me crying in the club imagining him saying que TU eres lo mas importante para el over his boats anyday of the week,,, :((

and i just have to make this clear before i move on,,, i hardcore feel like his love language would be all over the place,,

like you could easily just look over at him for a split second or say his name and this man is in the fucking nubes looking back at you-

your hand could graze some part of him and hes already giving you hearteyes and trying to get your attention- i cant

im :(( him loving to have your hands run though his hair :( because everytime you do it you have him softly groaning and leaning into you i -

him also having like this routine with you where he loves bringing something home for you

and sometimes its not an everyday thing and sometimes it is but hes just buying you something spontaneously like a bouquet of flowers,, a random antojito he saw,, or just something he knows you love he would bring it to you just so he has a reason for you to give him another besito and see you smile because of him :(((

wow,, this man would have all sorts of nicknames for you because he just cant pick a favorite one,, and i sob because all he knows is that you and only you has him tied down,, eres lo mas grande y pequeno joya and person in the world for him ok

and im not going to lie here he gives me fucking around vibes but good god he felt like a damn truck hit him when he first saw you,, literal love at first sight,, you had him whipped the moment you looked at him alright-

and he just has feelings,, there all over the place for him when hes with you because youre already his other half que no puede vivir without by his side:((

also him taking you to enedinas wedding:(( as his plus one:( but also as like his arm candy :))

hehe him wanting you to sit on his lap too so he can kiss you and just hold you in front of everyone:))

because i just know when this one falls in love like ive been saying,, hes over here acting head ov er heels like pinche güero was in s2 

kind of like how güero was introducing and reminding everyone if they knew his esposa lupita, this is exactly how mayo is doing it

just always seen having your arm linked through his your hands intertwined together at the end or his arm around your waist his thumb rubbing circles on your hip just keeping you as close as possible while showing you off in front of everyone

HIM LOVING to have you leading the way while you hold his hand dragging him along :(((( because hes behind you just smiling like an idiot and also so he has an excuse to see how beautiful his mujer looks all dressed up,,,:((

but anyways him introducing you to everyone that comes up to him with so much pinche orgullo like “deja les presento el tesoro mas grande de mi vida, mi hermosa mujer” woW

and ay no if you were married this mf is making an effort to say something like “la señora zambada, mi chulada” im fucking crying here

and listen,, none of you can sit there and tell me he doesnt love dragging you along whenever he can on like a date on his pinche shrimp boat,, his second passion after you :))

like he wont ever make you do anything he just wants your presence there with him while he works even though you both live in the same fucking house :(((

he just wants to hear about your day or even just your mere attention while youre sitting down makes him happy :(( hes so whipped i-

and i dont know if its just me:( but bringing him:(( his lonche:(( when hes out working on the boat:(((

he just never gets tired of seeing you because i just know he would start to purposely forget his lunch or something he needs just so you can come around later and give it to him:(((

UGH him always looping his arms around you and bringing you to sit on his lap so you dont leave always saying “siempre preocupada para que estoy bien verdad mi reina?” and just thanking you for bringing him his lonche with little besitos:((( i cannot hold on

him not wanting you to get involved in what he does :(

like hes not going to completely deny or lie about what he does/is but i mean hes never going to tell you or even let you hear a word about the deeper shit he does,, like that scene with him and pinche arturo for example

he just doesnt want you to get completely scared of him and leave :((( even tho you already love him for who/what he is because hes different around you ok:(( hes soft 

wow um since its sort of the same subject when the whole shit went down where he betrayed tijuana,, him definitely cranking your protection to the highest possibility he can or just completely sending you somewhere in secret so your not caught up in his shit :(

just him not wanting you to be harmed in any way because then he would absolutely fucking lose it if the arellano felixs want to hurt you or take you from him :(( le pide a dios to protect the one thing he cares about :(( excuse me

wow him also not hesitating to drop everything hes doing in that moment if you ever call out to him and it doesnt matter how small of a favor you ask of him because hes doing it :((

and if he ever sees you struggling to get something or do something hes already forgetting what he was busy doing and going over to you gently scolding you like “y porque no me llamas preciosa? para eso tienes hombre” :(( un pinche caballero

him also being the type that yells out to you as soon as he gets home because he wants to give you a besito :((

and listen i dont know if it’s just my soft ass here but you wearing like a sundress because he loves seeing you in them-

and you walking up to him while he’s chuckling and picking you up and twirling you around :(( like como estas mi preciosa, te extrañe todo dia :(((

and also :((( if he walks in on you doing something or youre in the kitchen:((( him coming up behind you and hugging you from behind :(

just pulling your back into his chest and resting his head in between your shoulder and neck:((( kissing you softly and going que haces mi amor? all soft and raspy im done :((

i fucking cannot because hes also definetly the type to have a picture of you always in his wallet :((

and everyone he works with always sees him kissing your photo before he gets to work como su buena suerte :(

:(((him pulling it out :( and just showing you off :(( like mira esta es mi chulada de mujer, por ella lo hago todo :( his lovesick smile never wearing off :((

i laugh because chapo and the rest of the guys always tease the shit out of him because mayos always going on about “es que me gusta ser mi propio jefe” and shit and how it applies to everything

but as soon as you come into the picture that saying goes out the fucking door because all the sinaloans see how weak in the knees you have him and all the favors he does for you lol

just chapo clapping back when mayo denys joining sinaloa like no mames pinshe mayo como con tu mujer no eres asi?,, and his egoistic ass being like ??? what? thats not true?

pinche güero going yeah it is,, si la mujer manda siempre cabron because thats how he was once :((( im leaving-

YALL WAIT PLEASE,,,NO ONE TOUCH M E DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON YOU MAKING THIS MAN A FATHER BECAUSE him?? with his kids??? him just wanting to be around them all the time?? showing them all about b o a t s???? im sobbing excuse me-

taglist: @coaxium-captain-rex @visintaes @sheeshgivemeabreak @artemiseamoon @afterneptune @redhairedace @wtfisgoingonlol​ 

let me know if you want to be added!

[ecoamerica]

Watch the American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 now: https://youtu.be/bWiW4Rp8vF0?feature=shared

The American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 broadcast recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by active climate leaders. Watch to find out which finalist received the $50,000 grand prize! Hosted by Vanessa Hauc and featuring Bill McKibben and Katharine Hayhoe!

[spaceheatertrash]

MCYTTWT?

STUPID IDIOT MOTHERFUCKING MCYTTWT GOD DAMN FOOL DISCOURSE COLLECTING DUST EATING RAT OLD COMMUNITY SHITHEAD IDIOT AVATAR OF THE WHORE BIGGEST CLOWN IN THE CIRCUS LAUGHED OFF OF THE INTERNET COWBOY MOTHERFUCKING MCYTTWT

STOP PINNING ME WHEN I TALK ABOUT MCYTTWT I HATE IT SO MUCH WHY DOES IT HAVE SO MANY FUCKED UP THREAD WHY DID IT DECIDE TO FUCK AROUND AND FIND OUT JUST LEAVE US ALONE IS IT DEAD IS IT A BASTARD COMMUNITY HAS SUCH A VISCERAL AFFECT ON ME NOT EVEN ON THE SITE NEVER SEEN THESE PEOPLES FACES AND I KNOW THEY HAVE THE WORLDS SHITTIEST VOICES GET AWAY FROM ME

if i wanted to get into heaven and god said mcyttwts waiting inside i would piss on gods feet for the sole purpose of getting sent back down

if i have to deal with mcyttwt invading mcytblr in person on site in anon not only will i close the tab i will delete my app and account out of spite and have to refollow everyone again for the experience of being able to tapeworm all the new mcyttwt tumblr blogs as they appear

i dont even know why i hate it so much. it writes stupid //neg but i am just mad because i am angy

it better have some fucked up backstory to explain this if its just some bored kids with zero reading comprehension and internet access ill go ham

BETTER have had a community shitpost written about it cuz if it didnt then im going to make one myself

paypal.com/IFuckingHateMcyttwt

posts not even about it. vaguely mentioned what is supposed to maybe be a discourse and I lost it

where the fuck is mcyttwt if its still around im going to so deeply wish it wasnt

crusty ass community

I'll punch mcyttwt and its sad frail rancid community twig bones will simply flake apart under my epic huge meat fist until all that's left is one final tweet that was all the way down the dash simply saying "Now you've fucked up" in Ancient Yiddish

im not breathing im hyperventilating at this point

i hope theres a date given for when mcyttwt died or will die so i can make it a reminder on my phone

everyday once a year i will see it and do anything but pay respects to the subtwt that had so many fucked up tweets

---

Blockquote by @heelysboo from Here And I think, @apollos-boyfriend​, that you might enjoy this

[berri-hopefulspouse]

"Soren, would you like to go first?" Ren never really expected themselves to be before an officiant- let alone for this reason...But, for some reason, they weren't afraid. Not exactly, not in the way they thought they would be. Nodding, they look back to Makoto- after keeping in yet another internal little squeak- and give a soft sigh and a little smile...They were ready for this.

"When we first met...and I mean, truly, deeply first met... I felt almost drawn to you. You said it yourself; we had always had some kind of connection, one that goes beyond time, space...probably even ourselves as we are currently. I always felt drawn to you then, to be close to you- but I could never exactly pinpoint what it was...yet, here we are now. Years later, and we're both still here. Both still...okay. I'll be the first one to say it- shit isn't perfect-" That gets a bit of a chuckle from themselves, "-But we're here...and we're alive. And we have the groundwork for a new beginning."

With a little shaky, nervous sigh, they bite their lower lip and manage to maintain eye contact with Makoto, "...I know I can't always be there when you need me- and I know I can't promise things will be perfect. But I can promise- can vow to you- that I'll be doing my best, each and everyday. Doing my best to improve, to get better, to learn new things, and to love you. Each, and everyday. Always, and forever. You mean the world to me, and to whatever secrets that we may share in the future..." Theres a smirk, and already Makoto knows what's coming, "I'll never tell a single soul. That's a promise, and my vow to you...I'll always, always cherish you."

Despite their light joke, there were tears in their eyes, barely held together through their strict will alone. Makoto wasn't much better- in fact he had to let go of their hand once or twice to wipe at his own eyes, before letting out a soft laugh of surprise himself. Still, after looking to the officiant himself- and getting a small nod- he proceeded to speak himself.

"Ren, first of all, how dare you make me cry like that-" That got a laugh out of the two of them, as well as the small gathering of people who had decided to attend that day, "-Still, still...There's so many things I could say...So many things I want to say- and it wouldn't truly be enough. You're so many things- you've done so much for me and for those around you...and yet, you never stop pursuing to help everyone around you. Everyone except yourself." Despite himself, he rests a hand gently on their cheek to reassure them, to calm them down a bit.

"I thought I knew who I was- someone who didn't quite stick out in the crowd, who was just...well, average at everything I did. And I thought I was okay with that... But uh..." He chuckled nervously, "Turns out that's just self esteem issues, I suppose. You never stopped believing in me- back then and all the way up until now. No matter what we faced, you had full faith in me that it'd be alright. I've always had a more optimistic attitude...and you always struggled to maintain one, but you still were always there for me. You say you weren't- but I assure you, even if you couldn't physically help in some way...I knew you were there for me, in spirit."

He shakes his head a bit, "I guess this is a roundabout way of saying...I'm proud of you. You've taught me so much, and grown so much more than from when we first met. You stand tall- well, really short in your case-" A little joke that earned him a gentle subtle kick with their shoe- causing him to laugh, "-You stand tall in the face of everything you've been through. Each day you keep moving forward, despite what lingers over you...And for that reason alone, I'm so proud of you. You always tell me that I saved you, that I've done so much for you...and while I can't always believe that's true, I can promise you that I'll be there whenever I can. You deserve to have someone who can protect you, and well- if it's me...I guess I really can't argue with that. I love you, Soren...with everything I am. You're my hope, and my proof that my Ultimate Luck truly isn't just a throwaway Ultimate...It's proof that I really am lucky to have you in my life. I swear, I'll never leave you- if you'll allow me to stay in your life...and that I'll always do my best to protect you, and cherish what we have. Always. My love for you is no secret."

He was trying to keep his voice from shaking, truly he was- but while his tone held certainty, his nervousness was equally as palpable in his tone. It was also not much of a secret that, simply put- he had completely did that on the fly, rather than plan it out. All the same, it looked like his words got through to them- the tears they were trying to keep back having started to fall from their cheeks. Leaning into the palm of his hand that still rested on their cheek, they nuzzled into it for comfort before pulling back to let his hand free- a smile on their face the whole while. At least he knew he didn't royally screw that up.

Still, thereafter came the rings- the one thing Makoto knew for certain. Ren may have been the one to do most of the planning- Mostly in part due to Makoto knowing full and well they were better at all of this than he could ever really hope to be- but he was the one who picked what the wedding bands would be. He didn't let Ren see what they were, wanting to get their reaction above anything else. He did his own first, slipping the ring carefully onto their ring finger- trying to quell the slightly anxious tremble of his own hands. He couldn't help being nervous.

The ring itself was simple in nature, but it's meanings would show themselves to those two alone. Theirs particularly had an outer layer of silver- steel, particularly- with moonstone in the middle. Carved into it, were a few small things. A moon and some stars, a reminder of the promise ring they got the both of them and a light comparison to his own band. A small little heart, that had a little ruby heart gemstone in the middle, as it was their birthstone. Lastly, on the underside of the ring, was engraved a few simple words; 'You are my luck, and my hope.'

His was similar of course, rather instead a shade of gold rather than silver with sun and cloud engravings on his own, and an sapphire heart rather than a ruby one. On the underside of his, was something that he heard them say to him once or twice- something that stuck with him, something he observed as they, in turn, slipped the band onto his ring finger.

'You're the reason I believe in my empathy.'

He watched Ren's reaction, though, as their expression shifted from the soft counterance they had previously to curiosity. Then, to thought- likely tuning out the officiant in favor of observing the ring- and finally acknowledgement, gaze snapping back up to meet Makoto's as the tears that had started to slow down only picked right back up. He could faintly notice them mouth something along the lines of 'You fucking dork,' as the officiant had continued to speak, their facade of pride crumbling down with their tears.

The two had been so busy reveling in their own little world for a few moments, that neither had even noticed that the officiant had been asking a question. Makoto, naturally, snapped out of it first in time for him to recognize his name being said.

"S-sorry, what was that?" And, promptly, his question snapped Ren back out of their own stupor, blushing a bit in embarassment. Makoto wished he wasn't in the same flustered state. Thankfully it got a bit of chuckles out of everyone else, and the officiant repeated himself.

"Do you, Makoto Naegi, take Soren to be your spouse?"

"Oh!" Well, if he wasn't red before hand, he definitely was now, "I...I do." ...But he still wouldn't hesitate with his answer, not for a moment.

It got a bit of a giggle out of Ren. At least they were amused at how flustered he was- but he knew full well it was a double edged sword.

"Soren, do you take Makoto to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

Despite watching their cheeks turn a bright red- called it- and noticing their breath bitch a bit, their resolve didn't falter in the slightest.

"I do, now and forever."

Makoto couldn't help but smile at that, the nervous expression he adorned softening into adoration. He could be nervous, sure, but right then and there? With that smile they had on? He could feel nothing but pure, unadulterated love. He didn't notice when the officiant was asking if anyone had any objections- he didn't notice when no one had said anything, or that everyone was staring intently at the two, all he could really notice was them.

He only snapped out of it once more when he heard the Officiant speak once more.

"Then it is my great honor to pronounce you as husband and spouse!" The officiant look to the two with a little grin, "You may now kiss, if so desired."

About halfway through that sentence however, impatient as they were- Ren had quickly grabbed Makoto to yank the brunette into their shorter embrace. Yelping a bit in surprise- it instead dissolved into a little laugh as Ren mumbled a short and cheeky, 'Hey', to Makoto- only before pressing a shy kiss to him. He didn't hesitate to reciprocate, a hand gently combing past the flower crown veil to instead thread his fingers through their hair. Only then did they relax a bit, pressing back with a bit more decor for a few moments before drawing away a bit.

"Hello to you, too, Mx. Naegi," Makoto lightly teased, despite being out of breath. Watching their face equally flush a bright red, but light up with delight, he ignored the small uproar of his friends and family- instead laughing to himself before being ambushed in another kiss from his now-spouse. Despite it all, they made it to this point...New Years Eve- now New Years day...Now, officially, married. To the two, it was clear as day...

What a great way to start a new year.

[mxtantrights]

˚ · · . · ✵ ✷PART TWENTY-EIGHT

word count: 2.7k!

Warnings: jessie gets high but it’s not detailed, just the after part. ALSO FLUFF 

HAWKINS, INDIANA

DECEMBER 26, 1984

I watched as all the kids sat around the game table and exchanged gifts. It was the day after Christmas- friendsmas as I'm dubbing it- and we were all held up in Mike's basement. I know they wanted to see each other all on actual Christmas day but their schedules and families wouldn't allow it. So I called everyone up this morning and arranged this.

They all thanked me with a hug when I got here with Mickey and Dayton.

Speaking of which,

I find Dayton sitting on the couch fiddling with his hands. He's been back for about two weeks now and we haven't talked much about the elephant in the room.

I take a seat next to him and smooth down my skirt. "Why are you fiddling with your hands so awkwardly?"

He stops and looks to me. "I feel like I left you here and I let you down."

"You didn't. You did the best you could do for someone who was in a different time zone. Trust me." I clap his shoulder hard- like really hard, he hates it when I do that. And he winces. "You raised me right."

"Ha-ha."

Theres footsteps coming down the steps and quickly at the bottom is Steve. He waves to the both of us before saying his greetings to the kids. Dustin and him are up to some new handshake and I think if they don't find one soon we'll all be in trouble.

After that he finds his way on the couch next to me and my brother.

"I think we met last year at the fourth of July party. Steve right?" My brother asks Steve so un-smoothly. Did he really think I didn't know that he had Steve look over me while he was gone? He even holds his hand out for Steve to shake.

Steve awkwardly laughs. "Yeah Dayton she knows."

"What? She knows?!"

I try to stifle my laughter at his outburst.

"She used her abilities on me to make me tell the truth! What was I gonna do?" Steve argues his point.

It's true he couldn't have done anything about it.

Dayton only shakes his head in annoyance.

Lucas and Dustin come up to us on the couch with two bags in their hands. I looking between the two of them and their shit eating grins.

"If this has anything to do with milk I'm giving y'all both wedgies."

Dustin passes me a red bag. "It has nothing to do with you being milk girl."

Lucas gives Steve his bag as well.

I move around the fancy tissue paper and see jeans? I pull it out with my hands and I see that it's not pants but a jean jacket. And the back is painted on with some eye popping colors but the patches on the sleeves are what gets me.

One of them is the state of Texas. And next to it is a Hawkins patch. There are a few notable patches besides those. A lasso. One says Cherry bomb. And one with a brain on it.

I look up and it's not just Dustin and Lucas anymore. The rest of the gang is behind them now watching me.

I pull the jacket on and it fits loosely. It's the best kind of fit.

Looking over at Steve I see his gift. It's another jean jacket but his is different from mine. His has got no patches on it just the paint on the back. And I can't miss the big 'MOM' on the back.

"We wanted to thank you guys for everything you did for us." Mike- the kind asshole- Wheeler speaks up.

I get up from my seat and hod my arms out. "Hugs right now or so help me I will cry on every single one of you."

Max and Mickey are first in almost making me fall over. Then Dustin and Lucas, lastly Mike. I quickly place a kiss on the top of their heads, almost missing Mike because he pulls away slightly but I pull him back.

"Okay Jessie, give me my kids now."

HAWKINS, INDIANA

JANUARY 1985

My stomach grumbling was getting annoying. I needed to put food into my system before I combust. I just didn't feel like leaving Mike's couch. After sitting here while the boys play their precious D&D after a whole year, I'm growing attached.

I'm laid on the couch like a mad woman. My legs are leaning off the side arm, only one of my arms is slanged over the back of the couch. The other one is holding me up properly.

Steve comes down the steps. Hair flopping around like usual.

"Steve! Good you're here!" I say as he descends down the last steps.

"Hey!" He waves to me.

Then he's saying hi to the kids. I watch as he makes his rounds and then walks over to me and the couch. NO if he sits down then we're not leaving here. And I need food.

I bolt out of my seat. "I'm revolting I need food."

"Why don't you ask my mom for something?" Mike asks me.

I didn't want to trouble his mom. I also didn't want to have to interact with any adults. My mouth is a little crazy as Mickey and Dayton keep saying. I'm not good at holding back my opinions.

I shush Mike and look at Steve. "Please can I get food? Please? Pretty please? The D&D is making me want to eat the floor."

"Hey!" All the boys and Max say at once.

Steve chuckles and puts his hands on his hips. Oh no what does he want. He only does that when he wants something. What could he want from me? Wasn't being friends with me enough?

"I need your skilled handwriting for some envelopes." He puts rather simply.

Okay I can do that.

"Alright I'll do it," I grab his arm and start dragging him the way he came. "I just need food. Food. Steve my stomach is like boiling. I need food."

"Alright alright. I got you." Instead of letting me drag him up the steps he falls in line with me.

Always the gentleman, he opens the door and lets me out. I let go of his arm, and let him lead the way. He takes the both of us out the back and I see his red BMW. With a spur of energy I run to the passenger side and dive into the seat.

"Come on, faster pretty boy. I'm trying not to die of starvation here."

-

"Have you been getting any memories lately?"

I turn to look at Steve in the drivers seat. I had just finished a whole meal and now he wants me to talk? I need my post-meal nap pretty soon.

I guess I could just talk to him and wait until we get back.

"Not really, no. It's been radio silent up here." I knock on my head twice.

He can't help but laugh when I do. Maybe that will ease this conversation back to a more friendly topic. I don't want to think about all the bad things today. I was trying to just have a nice day. I could think about it tomorrow. Or the next day.

"I'm serious though. You'd tell me if you did?"

"Yeah." I shoot back.

We continue on the drive in a comfortable silence. It feels like it should be awkward but its not. We have some weird upside down bond now. We haven't seen it all but we've seen enough together.

It doesn't take long before I see Mike's house appear outside my window. Steve's quick to get out of the car but I'm not, I just ate! I need to take it slow don't wanna pull a stomach muscle or something.

I've got the itis.

Slowly I open my door and roll myself out of the car. As I do I know Steve is watching me struggle. He loves to do that sometimes I swear if he wasn't my friend I would yell at him, I swear it.

He's back at my side in an instant holding his arm out for me to lock with mine.

"Ah Steve, such a gentleman."

-

HAWKINS, INDIANA

JANUARY 1985

I try to smoothly make it to my desk in one piece without raising suspicion. I don't trip, or look anyone in the eye as I make it to the back where Steve is sitting. However I do see his floppy hair and I have to clamp my mouth shut to not giggle.

His hair!

How does he do it everyday?

How?

I sit down and put my notebook on the desk.

"Are you okay?" Steve asks.

I turn slowly to nod at him, I don't wanna do it to fast or he's gonna think something is up with me. I can't alert the troops. I can't alert anyone!

He studies my face, and then his face changes. Did he just figure it out? Did he just find out that quickly? Maybe he won't say anything.

"Are you high right now?" He whispers to me.

My head is nodding again even though I wanna deny it. I was about to deny it. But my head is faster than my mouth.

Ha!

I watch closely as Steve pulls my chair and then my desk close to his. My fingers start playing with the loose ends of my knitted sweater. I wonder how those little dangling threads happen. Why did they happen? I didn't cut my sweater.

I hear our english teacher clear her throat to get the class to settle. It's then that I roll my shoulders back and face the board with the straightest face I can make.

The class settles after a few moments pass and our teacher begins to write names on the board. I watch with confusion. Why was she writing down our names? Did she forget them?

Then she writes down my name. And Steve's.

I look at Steve.

"She was picking random students to read their essays today- Jess we are fucked." He whispers to me and the way he sounds is so funny I start laughing under my breath.

I pull my sweater over my mouth to try and hide it. My eyes are watering before I know it and I have to put my head down on the desk to hide my laughter.

"Ms.Glendall whats the matter?"

Then that makes me laugh even more. Holy shit I'm about to get caught! I'm about to get caught and I don't even have an excuse to give! I'm gonna get detention! Holy shit have I ever gotten detention since I've been here?

No I haven't. I would remember.

"Jessie's not feeling to well, can she read her essay another day?" Steve asks for me.

I can feel his hand come to pat my head like I'm some sort of dog- I'm laughing even harder now. My stomach is starting to hurt with how much I'm dying from this.

"Sure Mr. Harrington."

Steve peers in close to me, close enough to whisper in my ear. When I can feel his hot ass breath on my ear I stop laughing. "You owe me big time Jess."

Oh god how am I gonna make it to Lunch. Hopefully Jon doesn't mind skipping with me to get some food. I am not eating slop while under the influence.

-

I can't believe I'm this much a wuss. I mean I tasered a demo-dog for crying out loud. You'd think I've grown some macho in me.

But no.

Here I am with my envelopes for colleges. Ready to send.

And I'm holding them in my hands like they're about to fly away.

"Step away from the applications."

I swiftly turn around.

Steve's leaning against his car.

"You know I can just go right back upstairs and cancel our plans to hang out." I quip, already turning away.

It's not long, what with his long ass legs, before he has my arm in his grasp and he's stopping me. I turn around slowly to face him, ready for that stupid look on his face. He's gonna make fun of me. I know he is.

He sent out his early applications and I'm standing here, fiddling with my regular applications.

But he doesn't have a look on his face. He looks serious.

"Alright so do you want me to do them for you or do you want a pep talk so you can do it yourself?"

I look between him and my mailbox. A few times. Maybe it's actually more than a few because he snatches the envelopes from my hands and does it himself.

Instead of letting him get the final touch I do it myself. I raise the red flag on the box.

"Well ladies and gentlemen I think Jessica Glendall has finally finished with her applications! How about a round of applause for the girl!" He starts yelling. I try to cover his mouth but he's too tall. And he's fighting me off a bit.

"Cut it out you weirdo! I have neighbors!"

"Is that what the other houses are for? I thought it was decoration."

HAWKINS, INDIANA

JANUARY 1985

"Did you actually have a lasso back home?"

I stop eating and look at Jonathan. He's got a big smile on his face because he knows he's being a little shit. But he wouldn't come up with this on his own. I know this is Steve's doing.

"Steve put you up to this?" I ask him back.

He shakes his head but can't hide his laughter.

"Nah. I just heard it from Will, who heard it from Dustin, who was told by Steve." He explains to me.

"I don't care that we're the same age I will give you a wedgie you do know that right?" It's rhetorical as he puts his hands up in surrender.

"I'd love to see you give Steve a wedgie. Or put him in a lasso."

"Yeah I'd love to see it too."

-

I was cheering Steve on in the gym not too long ago. He's playing really hard right now so that the scouts can see him. I know that he feels like he has to overcompensate with sport because his grades are too hot.

But neither are mine. We're in the same boat here.

His car chirps and I look around for him. I was waiting for him on his car after all. I find him walking my way with his sport bag slung over his shoulder. They didn't win today but he did carry his team the whole way through. That's gotta count for something.

He doesn't say anything to me- no snide remark, no sass, not even a hello. All he does is get into his car and slam the door. Maybe he wants to be alone right now?

I hop off the hood of his car and he turns the engine on.

Maybe I should take the hint and leave.

I put my bag over both of my shoulders and start to turn my body away when I hear the horn honk. So I turn back.

The window is rolled down on my side.

"Aren't you coming?"

I open the door swiftly and get in. "You sure you don't want to be alone right now? I mean I can understand-"

"No I'll be fine. I just need to drive around for a little bit." He says to me and starts pulling out of the parking lot.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" I offer

I remember the forth of July party and what he said. About College and parents. This was definitely a topic that he dreaded.

He pumps the breaks on the car when I say it. I almost jolt forward but he holds his arm out to brace me. It makes me let out a breath that's all I know. His arm retracts back to his side as he keeps his eyes on the wheel.

"My dad sucks. And my grades kind of suck. And he's riding my ass about college."

I carefully put my hand on his shoulder. "Look all you can do is your best Steve. At the end of the day it's all anyone can do. Your dad might not see it but it's you who needs to start seeing it. It's your life."

"Y-yeah."

"Plus all of the shit you did with those monsters from hell is pretty badass. You'd probably get a metal for it if it wasn't top secret."

He laughs. "Thanks Jessie."

"Of course Stevie."

"Jessica!"

"Stephen!"

[graffitibible]

how do churn out fics so quickly? i feel like every month there's a new 35k word chapter out, meanwhile i've written 3 words on an empty doc 🤣 do you spend like 5 hours per day writing or are you just super fast?

OKAY REAL ANSWER 

basically, writing is very baked into my everyday schedule at this point lol. it was admittedly way easier before all this quarantine business started - my work gives me an hour long lunch and it takes me like 5 minutes to eat it and with virtually nothing else to do i just started bringing my laptop to work and banging out words there. now that my work hours have been drastically reduced, it’s harder for me to stay on task - i can bang out 3k words one day and only edit a stray sentence on another with no consistency whatsoever. 

i’m BIG on routine, so working writing into my daily routine more or less “tricks” me into being hyper-productive on it. there are certain periods in the day when im more productive, like the aforementioned long-ass lunch hour, but also like, when im making dinner or something. ive got to sit near the stove for like 30 minutes while im cooking some shit up to eat so thats thirty minutes to do some plot outlining or dialogue threading or editing or plain old writing. its not a whole lot of time but like when im working in my lunch hour, it works for me because its this window where i can trick myself into a burst of productivity in a condensed time frame without browbeating myself for not fulfilling a nonexistent standard. the amount of stuff i get done in those timeframes will honestly vary - sometimes its a paragraph and sometimes its a page. 

it also helps me personally to keep all my writing in textedit instead of a document that has an accessible wordcount or page count, so that way im not stressing about the length of the thing. this is also how i end up with like. 70k words crammed in one chapter and my pacing is SHIT because of it so thats not a sure thing by any means.

some people do daily wordcounts, which is a trick i do to keep myself working on my original fiction (i make myself write 200 words of original fiction per day, minimum. 200 shitty words isnt very much, and even if its not great, its some progress that i can go back to later.) but i dont apply the same tactic to fic, in part because i dont want my daily wordcount to feel overwhelming. 200 words is a simple, accessible goal for me even on days when im feeling like shit, and if i fall behind a day or two, its not an insurmountable barrier to overcome. its a good trick to kinda spur your brain into productivity. the downside to this is that youre basically playing a long con with yourself and theres a big chance that youll burn out on the project if youre stuck too long on it - ive been doing “200 words a day” for years at this point and ive written A Lot Of Stuff but not a lot of it is very refined because its a lot of words i have to go back and edit down.

wrt fic, i basically have multiple word docs open at all times so that they’re there and i can always turn things over in my head. this can sometimes feel like a big fucking “YOURE NOT DOING ENOUGH YOURE NOT BEING PRODUCTIVE” sword of damocles so that can be a double-edged thing that aint always so great. it usually works for me because its a good way to kickstart spontaneous bursts of creativity. ill always have these windows open, idly click into one, and go “oh hey thats a good sentence that ties in with this sentence” and then im writing again before im doing much active thought about it. if i spend too much time hyping myself up about “god i gotta get this done i have to do this now” then i start to dread the task so i try to eliminate that window whenever i can. 

LONG ANSWER IM SORRY. it comes down to me knowing my habits and my brain quirks and figuring out how to work with them as best as i can. im a routine-based person, so i built writing into my routine. i have memory issues, so if i get ideas at an inconvenient time i write em down to go back to em later. when executive dysfunction makes just starting to write feel insurmountable, i go back to what i wrote earlier and do editing instead. when im grappling with self-esteem and self-worth and i feel like my writing is flagging, i circle back to works i enjoy, both fanfic and published fiction, and study the writing styles of writers i admire for inspiration.

this is stuff that works for me personally! obviously every person is different and what works for some people aint gonna work for everybody. motivation issues are no fucking joke. its super tempting to like compare your pace of productivity to other peoples but honestly thatll just get you down. especially given current global events like, im lucky ive managed to be relatively productive during a Fucking Pandemic but some people wont be and that is COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE, GIVEN THINGS. even then im certainly no stephen king. though i am also no george rr martin. in fact i think we can all take comfort in the fact that we are not george rr martin.

[ecoamerica]

Watch the 2024 American Climate Leadership Awards for High School Students now: https://youtu.be/5C-bb9PoRLc

The recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by student climate leaders! Join Aishah-Nyeta Brown & Jerome Foster II and be inspired by student climate leaders as we recognize the High School Student finalists. Watch now to find out which student received the $25,000 grand prize and top recognition!

[cadreformed]

— PEOPLE I’D LIKE TO KNOW BETTER !

———  BASICS! 

name!     Aloe pronouns!    she/her zodiac sign!      pisces sun(technically im a pisces aries cusp), aquarius moon, saggitarius rising- and thats all I remember! i dislike being a pisces! I am sensitive but dont write me off like stop that horoscope writers there is no romantic encounters in my future. taken or single!    single and fine with that tbh. life will happen eventually and Im just enjoying living right now with my roomie and pets.

———  THREE  FACTS! 

1 i am so distressingly into folklore. i love!! all of it!!!everywhere!! its all amazing!!! and beautiful!!! and i once tried to write a book on it but I got too discouraged because I was weak and like I know this about myself in that I need some support from people in my life (shocker) and everyone I talked to told me it was stupid or a waste of time etc so I got discouraged and quit! I may restart doing it again but with how academia is so gatekeepery I may just make a folklore wordpress blog and leave it at that.

2  i worked as the custodian (only one) for an art museum and the 3 years I worked there I only almost destroyed two (2)  very expensive pieces of art while i was doing maintenance work. One was a tiny statuette and the other was a george washington oil painting I almost took out with a florescent light tube (i fucking hate george washington so that wouldve just been job loss like theres t least 15 paintings of him in that place its not like we would’ve been hurting for one)

3!  i am here to have fun!!! i might have missed tagging something! i dont tag my queue! my navigation? maybe ill get to it? maybe not. who knows! i dont know who proof reading is but I see them in the phonebook from time to time. My drawings are messy my graphics are beginner level and thats okay with me. I like the mess I live in and if it was too organized and neat it just wouldnt be me. i thrive in this flood plane of chaos that I call a blog.  tumblr is here to have fun and like expand your skills sure but dont pressure yourself with being a pro right away. post your new art and graphics! try writing that new muse and fail spectacularly! just have fun!

———  EXPERIENCE! 

platforms used! too many I started writing in like the early 2000s like its been too long like too long. I usually only write on tumblr and plan on keeping it that way.

———  MUSE  PREFERENCE! 

gender! no preference 

least favourite face(s)! KJ Apa, nothing against him personally more so some bad memories attached to his face.(hes a great actor though!!) 

multi or single! : Booooth. My OC gets his own blog because I love him the most. Hes the favorite child (sorry geist and tier!)

fluff / angst / smut! ♡    

fluff:  all fluff all the time like literally always down for fluff. its gotta have some substance sprinkled in there but like all interactions are meaningful tbh. everyday fluff? hell yeah.

angst its gotta be like, a reason for angst. i work in mental health I dont want to come online and answer nothing but angst threads all day!!! give us some reprieve and toss in a different genre or have it be a meaningful experience plz i beg of you

smut :  depends on my muse and if Im in the mood for it (which is very rare ngl)

plot / memes!

both depends on who im writing against. 

 TAGGED BY:  i stole it with my little raccoon hands. TAGGING: anyone who wants to.

[bolbianddolanhouse]

BNHA self insert AU [Book 2]

Lost and confused on this here day? Start from the WAAAY beginning!

Chapter 1: It is Wednesday My Dudes.

Howdy! I guess I should introduce myself? Oof UMMMMMM, the names Lili Perla Iida! I’m 15 years old, about to turn 16, and I’m the oldest of 4 kids. Being big sis feels as natural as the wind in my hair as I pirouette. Speaking of dancing, it’s a Saturday morning, that means I have to get my ass in 5th gear for my private dance lessons. My favorite days are the ones where I get to dance and cause havoc with my siblings! I guess I should head downstairs for breakfast before that robo doggy yips at me for still being in my room.

“Buenos dias mija!” thats my mom, she’s the one bitch I respect the most.

“Good mornin” I greet everyone at the breakfast nook “what’s for breakfast?”

“Spam and eggs with toast” that’s my dad at the stove, I love him but he’s putting too much pressure on me to follow his footsteps. “Here’s your coffee.”

“Oh FUCK yea!” I holler as I jump into my spot at the nook. There’s nothing more I love than some egg and toast with my iced coffee.

“I’m hungies! Please just gimme one toast!” thats my younger brother Iwata, but I call him Iwee or Iwa, don’t tell the other two but he’s my favorite sibling. He’s the one that schemes and I say if that’s doable or not.

“DADDY! Tensei is teleporting my forkfuls into his mouth!”

“MOMMY! Hanaka set my toast on fire!” those two brats are my twin siblings, Hanaka and Tensei but I call them by their middle names, Rosa and Oro. Rosa is half-way decent to be around, so I share a room with her. Oro is a punk ass bitch in the making but I can’t hate him too much, he’s an intellectual.

“Can’t we go one breakfast without something catching on fire?” I rolled my eyes as I got served “thanks dad.”

“Nope, fuck you” Rosa stuck her tongue out “TENSEI STOP!”

“Hanaka! What did we say about tongues?” scolded dad “your family isn’t fire proof!” he turned to Oro “and what did we say about pestering your sister?”

“I shouldn’t play with fire unless I wish to get burned” the boy pouted and crossed his arms “but Iwa and I are hungies!”

“Here’s your plates” dad slid the food in front of the two boys “no more yelling or I’m taking away toast privileges!”

“NOOO THAT’S NOT FAIR!” we whined, you can take away our freedom but us Iida kids will be DAMNED if the sanctity of toast in the morning gets taken away.

“Oh shit, listen to your father” mom jeered as dad sat next to her “oh Lili, don’t forget about applications for entrance exams.”

“I still don’t know where to consider” I sigh as I butter my toast “like, I get that theres privates that have scouted me to go to their’s but I just wanna go to a dance school.”

“Sweet heart, you know we can’t just send you off overseas so young!” mom spoke with a hint of worry “besides, you still have private lessons at the institute until you turn 18! I won’t let you go off without the things you love to do.”

“You can always apply to UA” dad spoke up as he cut his spam “with the recommendations we can give, you don’t have to take the entrance exam.”

“Ugh, I can’t dance if I’m going to a hero school” I huffed “I don’t wanna go to your pompous alma mater dad. No offense mom.”

“None taken, not even I wanted to be there” mom responded so casually.

Dad gave her a side glance “May I remind you on who you met in said pompous school that helped build this family?”

“May I remind you on who was too much of a little bitch to tell me they liked me at said pompous school even though we saw each other basically everyday” she sipped her coffee loudly, marking her win.

“Oof I felt that roast in my DNA” Iwa hit the whoa “that shit hurted, F in the chat for Dad’s pride.

“F” chanted everyone but dad.

After breakfast, I grab my duffle bag and make my way to town.

“Good morning Lili!” thats my aunty Mimi, her and my mom are besties “say good morning Nikita.”

“Guden Morgen Lili!” that’s Nikita, Mimi’s daughter. She’s just a year younger than my twin siblings and today they have a little playdate as my mom and Mimi go to work.

“Mornin’! See y’all later!” I wave them off.

“Oh Lili! Good Morning!” that’s my uncle Jin, he lives next door to us and is besties with my mom and Mimi. For someone that doesn’t have kids, he sure does know how to care for them.

“Mornin’! Are you driving today?”

“Yep, can’t let the media know your mom’s car needs detailing!” he joked as he waved me off.

The dance institute I attend is in the same town we live in and just a 20 min walk from the gated community we live in. Well, 20 minutes for me because I walk kinda fast because of the engines on my feet. Dumb location for the quirk but it does help me when I dance.

“Ah Lili! There you are!” cried out my dance teacher as I walked in “can you lend me a hand in costuming? We need re-adjustments for a few costumes for the level 3s.”

“Of course I’ll help, be right there in a jiffy!” I rush into the costuming room, my second home at times! The lord has blessed me with a second quirk, Master Thread, and I like it more than my other one. It’s not dumb and super useful! I heard that there was once a pro-hero that had the same quirk and my parents knew him before his retirement. My mom says that she interned under his agency and he favored her for her Copy quirk. How cool is it that?! But hero stuff ain’t for me, I just wanna look pretty and dance for the masses. Maybe one day make elaborate ballet costumes, I already make my own at home to practice my quirk. How lucky am I to have such supportive parents?! After I finish the adjustments, I quickly put on my pointe shoes to do a practice run of our summer showcase. As much as I work well with the others in my class, I’m not friends with any of them and I don’t blame them. The instructors show me too much favoritism and even I’d hate me for hogging the attention.

“Lili! Marvelous work!” one of the instructors praised “how about we make you a solo act for this season finale?!”

“Me?! On such short notice?!”

“Yea! I thought I was going to do a solo act?!” huffed one of the girls on stage.

“Yes, you and Lili are going to be solos” they responded “we need to fill out time for our show and I know Lili can give quite a show.”

I looked around to my dance-mates and they all rolled their eyes “I mean, sure but I don’t know how good I can make a solo act in a month and a half!”

“Great!” they clapped “okay, from the top! We need to work on those jumps!”

As usual, nobody bids me good bye at the end of class. I’ve known most of them since I started there at age 5 and they don’t give me the decency to say hello or good bye! It sucks but I didn’t join to make friends. I walk through the streets to get to the fabric store I frequent, you’ll often catch me here after school or practice.

“Lili! Hey!” that’s Maru, he’s son of the number 1 hero, Deku. Our parents are friends and his dad owes his life to my mom because of her quick thinking that saved him back during the UA days. So I guess Maru is my friend?

“Oh sup Maru” I stopped walking as he ran toward me “what brings you around these here parts?”

“I was just looking at some of those shops” he points down the street “theres always cool stuff around here.”

“Yea there is, anyways, wanna join me?” I get giddy “I heading into the fabric store and I need some opinions.”

“I’m your guy!” he joins me as I fully geek out over the new satins.

“Okay so which one? The candy blue” I hover the bolt over my chest “the pearlescent one OR this blush pink?”

“I’m torn between the pearl and pink one” he mutters to himself “what are you trying to make?”

“Another costume, I got a solo act but I have yet to come up with something.”

“Oh that’s not fair! Isn’t the showcase in a few weeks?”

“THAT’S WHAT I SAID!” I groaned “I need so much help Maru! Plus I have to get started on applications and it’s all just a mess.”

“Well, if you ask me” he gets up and walks up to Lili “I think you should get both these satins and I know you’ll come up with something amazing! You’re really good at being graceful” he does a shakey spin “see? And why don’t you apply to UA? So that way we could go to school together!”

“Thank you for your kind words but I’m not going to hero school” I turned to put the blue satin back in the rack “I wanna wear pretty dresses and dance, not kick villain ass!”

“But think about it!” He picked up the two bolts of satin “how cool we’d be as a duo! I’d kick villain ass and you wrap them up to detain them!” he walked up to her “I’d be much braver with you by my side.”

“Be serious!” I laughed as I playfully pushed him “it’s not playtime, it’s hero work! Plus you gotta make your parents proud.”

“But I am serious” he retorted “I want to fight along side you, I want to do lots of things along side you. We’ve been friends since you were born!”

“And? That doesn’t mean you can’t live without me!” I look through the decals section “But you’re already doing great over there.”

I make my purchase and Maru walks me to the front gate before parting ways. What to do? The days just whoosh on by and I don’t have much to go off on. I submit applications to some private high schools that have dance programs but dad keeps insisting that I apply to UA. He had the audacity to give me a physical copy of the application! Apparently hero school apps are due much later than the other schools, for UA it’s October and it’s end of June right now. More time passes and I got a piece together for the showcase along with costume. At this point, I’m just counting the days until I get a response from those other schools I applied to.

-Night of the Summer Showcase-

What a night to be alive and pretty! My costume got the eyes of many that they didn’t notice my tiny fumbles. Another success in my books! My family came out to see me and so did Maru. After, I met up with my parents and Maru also came up to us.

“Amazing show Lili” he hands me a large bouquet of flowers “these are for you!”

“Oh you didn’t have to get me flowers” I was astounded by the mass of pink roses and lilies “but I’m glad you enjoyed the show!”

“I loved your floating spins and the thing at the end when you revealed the satin costume!” he imitated some of my moves “oh um, is it cool if we go for a little walk?”

“Oh sure let me just give these to my mom” I turn to my mom “I’m going for a walk, catch up with yall later.”

“Don’t wander too far! It’s dark out” dad chopped as I turned.

We walk to the garden area to the side of the performance hall “it’s a nice summer night.” commented Maru “the sky is clear too.”

“It is” I smile as I look up “I hardly get the time to look at the sky anymore, I loved star-gazing as a child.”

“Lets star-gaze over there!” Maru pointed to an open patch of grass. We lay on our backs and point at our made up constellations. “You know, I really enjoy your company Lili. You make things so much fun.”

“Thanks I guess?” I really didn’t know how to take that compliment.

“It’s a good thing” he laughed and turned his body on his side, toward me “I’ve been thinking about what you said about just wanting to look pretty and dance. Well, what if I figured out something?”

“What did you figure out?” I was genuinely confused because I don’t remember there being a problem with me wanting that.

“I figured out how you can dance and be pretty with always being by my side” he smiled “we just, get married.”

A record scratched in my head, did this foo just say get married? “Um, what?”

“I know that was a bold thing to say but I was giving it some thought” he explained himself “I like you a lot Lili, I want to be someone you can depend on and I can be someone that supports you in everything you want to do. I’ll be the breadwinner and you can do your thing and not have to work as hard.”

“But I don’t JUST want to be pretty and dance” I butted in “I want to work too! Professional Dancer is a legit career plus I want to go to college” I was starting to think I’m missing the point here “why are you suddenly talking about this?”

“I’m saying that I like you, more than a friend” he meekly spoke “and I want to be a man you can be proud of. You make me feel like I could do anything! Won’t you be my girlfriend?”

My mind was racing but going dumber, how do I tell him that he’s making a mistake without saying it word for word? “Maru, I didn’t know you felt that way!” I scrunched my face “I don’t know what to say.”

“It’s okay, take your time!” he leaned in closer to my face, softening his voice “maybe I should show you how serious I am.” This bitch fully kissed me on the lips, my first kiss and I didn’t feel the sparks or flutters in my tummy. I felt...nothing.

“Huh” I said after he broke the kiss “well uhhhhhh oof um” I stood up “I’ll be talking to ya later” I do finger guns and bolt to the parking lot.

“Wait Lili!” he tried to catch up to me.

“TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME!” I yell before locating my parents “MOM! por favor start the car!” I get in and everyone picked up that I was not okay and something happened but needed some time to sort out my thoughts. Once we got home, I took a shower and slumped in my fuzzy chair in the dark.

There was a knock at my door “Hey, you wanna eat some hot chips with me?” it was Iwa.

“Sure” I open the door to let him in.

“What’s the deal with you? Everything was cool until you started running” he popped open a party size bag of hot cheetos con limon.

“Ugh it’s Maru” I grab a few cheetos “he out of nowhere just confessed and kissed me.”

“Oh shit!”

“Right?! And I feel a little fucked up” I crunched on a cheeto “because I feel like he could do better and when he kissed me, I felt nothing. And that was my first kiss, from my childhood friend!” I put my handful of cheetos in my mouth “I wanted to feel those good feelings but I didn’t. Does that make me a bad person?”

“Dang Lili, from how I see it” he licked the cheeto dust from his thumb “it’s a sign that he’s wrong and you aren’t the one for him” he gestured to the ceiling “the universe isn’t telling you to kiss every boy but just that it’s okay not to reciprocate feelings to somebody else. Your feelings are valid and you’re the baddest bitch here.”

I started to feel a lot better after talking to Iwa. I eventually told my mom and she said basically the same thing. I am confident to say that I am not in love with my friend and I don’t need their validation. Of course I didn’t get a chance to tell Maru since it’s summer and he’s busy with school. In some weird twist of fate, I got rejected by all these schools I applied to. I wasn’t upset, just questioning if this is the universe trying to tell me something.

“You okay sis?” carefully asked Rosa “you don’t look too hot.”

“I don’t know what to do” I spoke up from my desk “nothing but rejection letters and I’m not worried about school or where I go, but what’s wrong with having me as a student?”

“Hmmm, well I know daddy wants you to go to that school” she points at the blank UA application on my desk “and you want to go to a dance academy...por que no los dos? You can go to dance academy for college and go to hero school BUT only to spite dad.”

“Rosa, you’re a genius!” I praised her “who says you have bad ideas?!”

“I know I’m right” Rosa gives a power stance “I’m the powerhouse of the cell!”

And I did just that, I applied and got an invite almost immediately to take the entrance exam in early November. That gave me almost 2 months to train, plenty of time! I tried to hide this from my dad but the word slipped and he was too happy to take me to the exam and help me train. Don’t even get me started on that whole side of the family, uncle Tensei started crying, grandma and grandpa wouldn’t shut up on how the family is going to be full of heroes. All the while, I was trying to break the news that I wasn’t going to be returning for the advanced level courses of dance. All the instructors were sad to the point of begging, everyone else was happy that I was leaving. 

-Day of exam-

“You have everything you need?” Dad asked me for the 5th time since we got in the car “we still have time to-”

“YES DAD! FUCK!” he was stressing me out “I’m ready to take this test, stop worrying.”

He sighed “You remind me so much of your mother when we were at UA” he smiled at the thought “she’d snap at me too when I was being overbearing, but I did it because I loved her and wanted her to succeed.”

“Well, what’s one thing she couldn’t leave without?”

“She didn’t feel right unless she hugged me goodbye” he chuckled “even something so simple made my heart race.” He pulls up to the front of the massive front gate of UA “we’re here, do your best! I believe in you.”

“Thanks dad” I take a deep breath “I’ll call you later.”

I walk in the place and I don’t see anyone familiar, just a bunch of students from public schools and other privates. I took a written exam, then came the infamous physical portion. My dad and his hero friends were telling me that it’s one of the toughest entrance exams in the nation, but I wasn’t afraid, just oddly excited! I do my stretches, just minding my business, when I get some crude comments.

“Excuse me but the dance auditions are that way” said some boy condescendingly “why don’t you take your little pink shoes and get out of here before the big scary robots crush you?”

I squinted at them as the group of boys behind them laughed “Excuse me but aren’t the weak little bitches auditions that way?” I stood up to show that I tower him in height “I’m in the right place little man.”

“Lets get to the gates dude, she’s scary”

Everyone was summoned to the start gate and I had a feeling that somebody was watching me. Not like a camera watching me but like somebody near me was looking at me. I looked around but didn’t see anybody familiar or staring at me, it didn’t matter once the siren wailed to start the exam. I was kicking mecha ass with some fancy moves thrown in and when I thought I was going to end the exam on a good note, I hear somebody cry out for help. I rushed over and saw someone had their arm and leg trapped under a mecha, with the added panic of the 0 point big boy mecha dangerously close. I wasn’t going to leave them there, so I gave my all to lift the mecha off them. I couldn’t even lift the thing an inch off them! I had to get creative and used my 2nd quirk to lift the mecha off. I did it and pulled them out to make a run for the safety line.

“It’s no use, just leave me here” said the trapped person “I can’t walk.”

“I’m not giving up on you! I don’t care if I fail this exam” I unraveled my sports jacket, shirt and the ribbons in my hair to fasten them to me “hold on tight! We’re going airborne!”

“Wha-!”

I use the last of my energy to blast us into the air in a wide arch to barely avoid the mecha crushing us. Of course I didn’t have a back up plan and we crash landed in the safety zone, on top of other students.

“Owchies” I groaned “is everyone okay? Sorry about that! I didn’t have a landing plan.”

The nurse runs over “WAH! Miss Iida?! You caused this mess?!”

“Heh ummm yea” I shamefully admitted “sorry Miss Eri, I couldn’t let this student get crushed by the big boy mecha.”

“Lets get you two in the stretcher, come on” she sighed in disbelief “and I’ll be telling your parents young lady!”

“Aww wack!” I pouted as robot helpers put me in the stretcher. I looked over to see the other person in the stretcher next to me “are you alright?”

“I’ll be okay know” they smiled at me “thank you so much for not giving up on me.”

“No problem! I’m Lili by the way.”

Before they could tell me their name, they were hauled away for intensive care. It was fair, they did get injured far worse than me, I walked away with just some gnarly bruises and a scraped shoulder. I didn’t see them after and I really wanted to know their name because they looked oddly familiar. My parents were worried about my injuries as I tend to heal slower. It was winter vacation, usually I’d be excited to be in the holiday mood but I was just waiting in anxiety for my letter. Come the last day of December, I got my acceptance letter! The amount of relief I got from it all was amazing, according to the letter, I scored the most rescue points. Making me at the top of the scoreboard along with some others, so I’m in Hero class A, just like dad and mom. My dad fussed over me the most in the weeks leading to the first day of school.

-Morning of the first day-

“Wake up Wake up Wake up!” yipped the robo dog as they bust into my room “it’s the first day of classes Lili and Hanaka! Please get dressed and hurry down for breakfast.”

“Hnnn it’s 7 in the god foresaken morning!” I groaned as I rubbed my eyes “welp, come on Rosa or the boys are going to beat us to the sinks.”

“Hn! 5 more minutes” she tossed in her bed “Tensei is gonna teleport us to school, you have to ride with daddy.”

“Don’t remind me you brat!” I threw my pillow at her “whatever, just don’t melt the shampoo bottles.”

“Fuck you!”

I quickly take my shower and got dressed in my new uniform to greet my parents. They fawn over how much I look like them when they went to UA, mom told me the story of how she got confused for a boy on the 1st day because her ass was too big for the skirts that they had to be tailor made! I got a good laugh out of that and it made me feel better about starting my school day. I kiss them goodbye and got in the car with dad.

“Excited Lili?”

“Yea, I mostly want to see if that person I rescued made it in” I could hardly sit still in the passenger side “the rush I got from them thanking me had me feeling alive.”

“I hope they did! Sounds like you made a friend if they did.”

“I also wonder who’s the homeroom teacher!” I said as we slowed at the last stoplight before school “since it’s not Eraserhead anymore, I hope it’s one of your friends or some other notable alumni.”

“That’s a good question” Dad pondered “you have to let me and your mother know when you get home” he stops at the same place as last time “here’s your stop, have fun and make friends!”

“Okay dad” I took in a calming breath “I’ll see you later!”

To think my parents walked through the same doors, not knowing that they were going to end up like this? Now their daughter... I hope I’ll find my soulmate here too. I have a soft spot for the love my parents have for each other, you can just tell that they’ve been working on their love since before they actually started dating. I often catch them making out, give loving embraces after a hard day and care for each other in different ways. I want to be loved as hard as my dad loves my mom.

“Lili? Is that you?!” Maru’s voice broke my train of thought.

“Huh? Oh, Maru! Hi!”

“Hey! You made it in!” he gave me a tight hug and twirled “welcome to UA! If you want, I have time to walk you to class.”

“Oh sure” he puts me down “do you know where room 1-A is?”

“Sure do! It’s down over here” he leads me to the hero wing “wow A class huh? I thought the hero stuff wasn’t for you?”

“I thought so too” I shrugged “guess I just had to try and see for myself.”

“If you’re not busy at lunch, we can eat together too.”

“Don’t you have friends here Maru?” I snickered at him.

“You have to call me Midoriya-senpai around the others” he said trying to silence me “and I have to call you Iida-chan.”

“Eww fuck no” I gagged “sounds like you’re calling my dad chan! I’m going to call you Maru, and you have to call me Lili MAYBE Perla if I’m acting up.”

“Fine but I’m saying that I’m respected around here for being one the top students” he bragged as he put his hand on my head “and you’re just a little bitty baby still!”

“Ah! Get yo hand off my hair” I tickle his side to retract his hand “looks like this is my class, see ya later!”

“You don’t play fair Lili” he waved me off “have fun.”

 I walk in and see a few people already there, I looked around for my seat and mine is number 4. I set my bag down and get approached by someone.

“Um hi, you probably don’t recognize me but I’m the person you rescued at the exam” shakily spoke the person “I didn’t get a chance to say, but my name is Hoshi Togata.”

I looked at them and something was oddly familiar about them, like I knew them before the exam “Oh you made it in! I was worried if you placed and if you recovered well.”

“You were worried about me?” they blushed “well, I recovered just fine. My arm was broken but Nurse Eri healed me before I was supposed to go home.”

The bell rang and we all sat in our seats, Hoshi sat behind me.

“Good Morning class! And welcome to UA, my name is-”

“BAHAHA NO WAY!” I bursted into laughter “Yo we got Diaper Boy as homeroom teacher?!” 

“My name isn’t Diaper Boy!”

“Oh I’m sorry, Diaper Man!”

Our teacher rubbed his temples “Anyways, my name is Grape Juice but you can call me Mineta sensei.” He gave me a stern look “Miss Iida, I trust you’ll behave like your father.”

“Don’t compare me to that Turbo Rectangle!”

“It’s like listening to your mother in your father’s body” he muttered.

Once we went through a whole day of classes, Hoshi and I walk around.

“You know Togata, you look oddly familiar and it’s bothering me a bit.”

“How?” they sweat a bit “I’m just one of the boys!”

“Hmmm, I feel like we met before the exam” I rubbed my chin “but I can’t quite remember, we were probably children when it happened.”

“Well, actually” he put some thought into it “I was thinking the same thing sort of, would it help if I told you my dad is Lemillion?”

“Oh shit! It’s coming back to me!” I was wide eyed as we head to the parking lot “yea! They have 2 boys and a girl my age. OH THAT’S WHO! I was thinking about your sister, how is she by the way?”

“Oh ummm I don’t have a sister” the smile on his face disappeared as he said that.

“Huh? Maybe I was-” I hear a car honk, it was mom “oop, gotta go! See you tomorrow!”

I hop in the car and waved bye. I told my family of my school day and my mom couldn’t stop laughing at the fact that their school-mate Mineta was the homeroom teacher. But as I was getting ready for bed, one thing was bothering me... where did I see Hoshi before?

-Chapter 1, End-

Next>  

[thefatlannister]

do you think they’ll come back to the whole “how’d you do it” convo with bellamy and clarke and he’ll find out about how she radioed him everyday? or do you think that was that cus it felt like a good place for her to tell him but she was also like yeet when an emotional aspect to the conversation came up

Well this is the question isn’t it?? I think everyone in the Bellarke fandom is probably asking themselves this right now.

So, I’ve been team “I don’t think they’re going to address the 2199 calls” since the beginning of the season. That’s for a couple of reasons: 1) I’m trying to lower my own expectations lol but mostly 2) Clarke does NOT say Bellamy’s name in 5x01, Eden. She says his name in the call at the end of 4x13, but the writers do not have Clarke SAY BELLAMY’s NAME in 5x01. Now, it’s extremely clear from context that he’s who she’s talking to (”I’m proud of you” + “this would be so much easier if I knew you were alive” + calling her other friends by name). 

So it’s not that I don’t think we’re meant to think Clarke was talking to Bellamy the whole time; it’s that after an 11 month hiatus, if “Clarke radioing Bellamy” was about to become a Big Romantic Catalyst for bellarke, I would expect the writers to really flag it in 5x01 by having Clarke say his name, thus kind of putting a pin in that for the general audience. So, going in to 505, I was very pessimistic about the chances of Clarke’s The Notebook calls to Bellamy ever being relevant again.

BUT THEN

When I was watching this scene, when Bellamy asked, “how did you do it?” I literally froze because - are they really going to go there??? are they really going to have her TELL him that she spoke to him every day?? that the memory of him, his love, his partnership, was what got her through?? Because honestly, between the pause and Eliza’s acting, and the awkward way the scene ended - with the conversation LITERALLY UNFINISHED - that’s how it FEELS. It feels like she was about to tell him that he helped keep her alive, but then she chickened out at the last minute.

Like, idk what the stage directions were, but Eliza’s acting here makes Clarke’s hesitation in response to this question very clear. And if the answer is only and always just “Madi,” what awkwardness is there to be had??? In any sort of just world, this “omission” on Clarke’s part is a set up for her to reveal, down the road, probably when her and Bellamy are embroiled in some sort of angsty conflict, that it was in fact HIM that helped her survive 6 years without a peer on the ground.

Now, I’m also not going to pretend that this show always does what is just lol. They drop threads all the time, and as Bellarke has been building for seasons now, there are several scenes that were seemingly set-ups for later reveals that were pretty much forgotten (2x09 “Love is weakness”/”I was being weak” and 4x06 “Clarke, if we don’t see each other again-” come to mind). However, there are a couple of reasons that I feel like s5 might be the season where these kinds of ~romantic bellarke~ threads actually come home to roost.

One of the reasons I think that is something that a lot of fandom, included myself, has picked up on, which is the relatively muted nature of Bellamy’s reaction to finding out Clarke is alive. Like, the cast and writers have told us until they’re blue in the face that Bellamy is less “heart” than he used to be, less fiery, but there’s a difference between finding balance and like, not having a visible/visceral/conflicted emotional reaction to finding out that, contrary to what you believed, you weren’t responsible for killing your best friend/partner/woman you’re lowkey in love with by proxy. 

Like Bellamy is clearly happy to have Clarke back, but he hasn’t verbalized really ANYTHING about how it feels to have this huge bomb dropped on him after he lived his life for six years in honor of her. After he mourned her and missed her and memorialized her and moved on from her. This omission of a nuanced reaction on Bellamy’s part makes me think either 1) the writers really fucked up and don’t care bout Bellamy/bellarke or 2) They’re saving big relationship-defining angst feelings about the Separation and Reunion for midseason Bellarke angst. Needless to say I’m hoping it’s door #2.

What does that have to do with the truncated fireside chat scene? Well, in my deepest darkest Bellarke wet dream fantasies, they have some blow up fights or angsty as shit moments later this season where all of these omissions and half truths and old wounds get put on the table, subsequently setting fire to the tentative automatic partnership bellarke have fallen back into. Something else that makes me hope we’re in for some knock-down, drag-out emotionally raw air-clearing angst is, of course, the last shot of 505. 

So I don’t know if the show is really going to go full love triangle, and honestly I don’t much care, because THIS SHOT is intentional. Arguably, the shot of Clarke’s reaction to becho kissing is the first objectively nonplatonic framing of bellarke in the show. This shot tells me the show is ready to acknowledge in some way that Bellamy and Clarke’s feelings for each other go beyond platonic partnership. And to me, THAT means the door is open for all their baggage to come home to roost later this season. Because we as a fandom know that if the writers ever had Clarke and Bellamy really fully put all their feelings on the table, there would be no backpedaling into platonic territory. But if they’re willing to frame shots like the one above, I think they might finally be ready to stop just dropping hints and actually follow their own trail of bread crumbs to some MAJOR developments on the bellarke front.

Which brings me back around (finally) to your questions: will Clarke ever tell Bellamy that she called him every day for six years? The short answer is i don’t know!! If we do indeed get some relationship-changing moments between Bellarke, I would say it is highly possible, even likely, because this fact would be such an emotional bombshell for them - for Clarke, because she would essentially be admitting out loud that she loves Bellamy, and for Bellamy because he wouldn’t be able to escape the implications of Clarke staying so intimately connected to him for 6 years while he thought she was DEAD.

And THAT’S why I think Clarke hesitated. Because Clarke had six years to come to terms with the fact that she loves Bellamy, a fact that she was able to work out for herself by “confiding” in him every day. But when Bellamy comes back down, she realizes that she was in love with the Bellamy that LEFT, the Bellamy that has remained static, a ghost at the other end of her radio for six years. But this Bellamy is solid and real and DIFFERENT and, as she finds out at the end of 505, this new Bellamy is someone else’s. This Bellamy has moved on from her in a way that she never did from him. 

So while I’m betting Clarke at the end of 505 was glad she hadn’t spilled the beans about Bellamy being her personal diary for 6 years earlier in the ep, I think it is a Definite Possibility that this fact comes back up at the MOST inconvenient (read: most CONVENIENT, for me) time so that Bellarke can really lean into that fucking angst like I know they want to. *Clarke voice* I still have hope. Here’s to the possibility of emotionally fraught Fights and Reconciliations and Realizations, anon. 

[yeoldontknow]

Did You See?

Author’s Note: lord i am so glad someone requested Jongin fluff so i could make up for the torture that is Mourning Air. this is a gift for @kpopandlock and i hope hope hope i have done this justice. romance comes very hard for me unless theres chapters of tension and build up, so i hope this makes every Nini stan swoon just a tiny bit <3 enjoy loves!

Pairing: Kai x Reader

Summary: every day, you fall a little bit more in love with your best friend, Jongin. everyday, you ache for him. everyday, you miss all the signs of something he’s been trying to tell you.

Rating: PG-13

Word Count: 3,068

Nini[2:06 AM]: you up?

Y/N[2:08 AM]: yeah why

Nini[2:08 AM]: are you hungry?

Y/N[2:10 AM]: !!! diner run? :)

Nini[2:11 AM]: i have a better idea ;)

Y/N[2:12 AM]: better than 2AM waffles?? D:

Nini[2:13 AM]: promise to keep an open mind

Y/N[2:14 AM]: nini it’s too early...or late idk to be open minded~~

Nini[2:15 AM]: ok then be spontaneous

Y/N[2:16 AM]: what are you suggesting

Nini[2:18 AM]: cheesesteaks

Y/N[2:18 AM]: im not fucking cooking at 2 in the morning, are you high

Nini[2:20 AM]: nooo let’s go GET them i know an amazing food truck in philly

Y/N[2:21 AM]: are you driving?

Nini[2:21 AM]: as long as you DJ

Y/N[2:22 AM]: come pick me up~~ <3

Nini[2:23 AM]: that’s my girl! be there in 10

True to his word, Jongin arrives ten minutes later looking too put together for what you think is just a night drive. He stands in your doorway, bright smile making you feel like you’re ascending dawn, grey hoodie and running pants matching with a casual, attractive air of non-effort. You want to comment on this, tell him he's overdressed and making you tumble into a state of longing, but before you can speak, he leans over to kiss your cheek and whisper in your ear. 

‘We’re taking the scenic route.’

This is nothing new for him. He's said these same words to you hundreds of times on different occasions, sometimes even in metaphor, but tonight it feels different. Tonight, his breath hovers over your ear a little too long and it takes all your willpower not to press your cheek to his. You know you're alone in this sentiment, know that these feelings are one sided and must remain this way for the benefit of your friendship. But still, tonight, these words make you want him more. 

The highway is empty as you drive, chasing the moon and stars with your headlights. You watch him, studying the way he seems to glow in the night, and think he never really looks as relaxed or as serene as when he's driving. With one hand on the wheel and the other out the window, fingers dancing in the cool night air, his face is placid and happy, eyes bright and filled with hidden laughter as he drives. This is when you really see him, truly see all the vulnerable parts of him, when he's pensive and assumes no one is looking; when he's alone with you. 

Mirroring his position, you stick your arm out the window and find yourself falling into the moment, collapsing into it. You've never felt closer to him than right now, driving on the interstate for a spontaneous cheesesteak run. You've never felt more alive than in this moment, as the state Pennsylvania sign passes you by. Beside you trees and trees and trees pass along the river bank, and you're glad he chose this route. You're glad he wanted the extra time with you and no one else, not even other strangers on this secluded road. You're glad that he wants you, even if it's only like this.

Eventually, you fall asleep - not a truly deep sleep, just dozing softly, hand still catching the wind as your head lulls to the side with parted lips.

You are asleep and so you don't see it. You don't see the way he turns to look at you, your skin shimmering as the first glimmers of the sun start to pour over your face. You don't see the way he smiles, admiration of you beginning to eat away at and melt through him. You don't see him reach for your hand as it rests on your thigh with loose fingers, and the way he pauses just over the palm. He ghosts over it, molding his hand above it as though he were miming the hold, before pulling it back to the gear shift. You don't see him clutch at it, holding it and pretending it is your skin.

You don't see him tumbling with you.

Nini[1:33 PM]: you going to jongdae’s thing tonight?

Y/N[1:35 PM]: idk maybe. i have to see if i feel up for it

Nini[1:37 PM]: pllssss!! youre never really up for these things and i need you with me tonight

Y/N[1:40 PM]: why tonight of all nights? lmao youve gone to so many parties without me

Nini[1:41 PM]: because tonight i just don’t want to be without you :)

Y/N[1:42 PM]: this is not a reason

Nini[1:43 PM]: excuse me, it’s the only reason that matters

Y/N[1:44 PM]: you know i get shy at parties

Nini[1:46 PM]: jongdae and i will be there

Y/N[1:48 PM]: and if it were just you two it would be ok - it wouldnt even be a party~~ it's other people nini :/

Nini[1:50 PM]: i’ll be with you the whole night i promise :))

Y/N[1:52 PM]: youre not going to take no for answer are you :c

Nini[1:52 PM]: nope :D

Y/N[1:56 PM]: fine. ill meet you there ugh

Nini[1:58 PM]: thank you duchess! i'll make it up to you! <3

Y/N[1:58 PM]: you better

Jongin finds you the minute you enter the crowded house, his hand seeking yours and threading your fingers together as you push through the door. You know he’s already drunk, though you don’t know how long he’s been here. Like usual, his body is craving contact after only a few drinks of alcohol. Typically, he keeps you close by so he can touch your skin and soothe his bleary ache for affection, never allowing you to wander too far out of reach. Always this is born out of trust, you think. He knows and trusts you enough to take these things from you, expects them to be freely given because the language of your relationship dictates it. 

Always, he does this and doesn't see the way hope brims over and leaks from your pores. Always, he doesn't see you swoon.

‘I'm glad you came!’ Jongdae shouts over the music as he hands you a drink. ‘You literally never come to my parties. This is such a nice surprise.’

‘This one persuaded me,’ you concede, tilting your head in Jongin’s direction. He’s distracted, eyes scanning the room with a wide smile offered to everyone but you. Seeing this makes your heart sink a little, knowing that, at some point, even if he doesn't mean to, his promise to you will be broken. 

It only takes an hour.

After leading you around the room, squeezing your hand as you talk through your shyness with others and whispering that he's proud of you, he leaves your side at the first notes of his favourite song. For a few minutes, you watch him dance and sing, jumping and moving with an ease that makes you envious. When he laughs, his mouth becomes a glorious circle, head cocking back as though he can't contain the force of his joy. When he sings along, his eyes close in sheer delight at being young and being alive. 

You find this all too beautiful and too heartbreaking to look at. It only makes you want him more.

So you turn and go out to the yard, hoisting yourself into the fence rungs to sit and drink, taking small sips of whatever is in your cup so you don’t get drunk. It's quiet here, perfect for thinking and longing and wishing on all the stars you can count.

Your back is to the door, so you don't see it. You don't see the way Jongin searches for you the moment the song ends, biting his lips and furrowing his brow in worry. You don't see the way he smiles, awed and moved by the way you hum to yourself as you stargaze. You don't see him lean against the door, eyes turning up to the same star and filled with hopeful wonder. 

You don't see him wish that you were his.

Y/N[6:33 PM]: come over

Nini[6:35 PM]: mmmmm why? movie night?

Y/N[6:36 PM]: if you want. im making your fave tho, so i thought id ask

Nini[6:37 PM]: CHICKEN????

Y/N[6:40 PM]: lmao yes and if youre a good boy ill even let you help me cook

Nini[6:41 PM]: excuse you i am always a good boy

Y/N[6:43 PM]: you abandoned me at the party last weekend. that was very naughty ;(

Nini[6:45 PM]: i told you i was sorry :( and i didnt really abandon you. dont say that :(((

Y/N[6:46 PM]: THAT WAS HOW IT FELT NINIKINS

Nini[6:48 PM]: im so confused like youre upset with me but youre using my nickname and i ?????

Y/N[6:49 PM]: i was upset but im not anymore its ok bb. are you coming?

Nini[6:50 PM]: yeah be there in 15?

Y/N[6:52 PM]: ok. bring wine please

Nini{6:52 PM]: you got it duchess <3

You leave the door unlocked for him, an open invitation to your home, your heart, your life. When he arrives, he’s carrying your favourite red wine and a small chocolate cake he acquired from a bakery along the way.

‘I want to feel like I’m contributing,’ he murmurs with a bashful smile. 

‘Aww,’ you coo, taking the cake from him and tapping his cheek. ‘I would have let you cut some broccoli but this is much better.’ 

He lingers behind you for a while, watching the way you cut and stir and manage time in your kitchen. It bewilders him, a little bit, the science of cooking becoming something of an art beyond his comprehension. This is the one thing you can hold above him, the one skill you have that he doesn’t, and you are too proud to admit that you sometimes use this to be close to him. Tonight is an example, how you decided to make chicken only because he said he would come over. How you decided to even consider it because he would be here and near you and doing exactly this: pressing himself behind you to watch and share your air.

After several minutes he moves away from you, pulling out his phone and scrolling through it with a content, placid expression.

‘Where’s that speaker I got you for your birthday?’

‘In the bathroom by the sink.’

He disappears and comes back seconds later, holding the black rectangle in his hand as he syncs it with his phone.

‘We’re going to listen to some music and you’re going to relax.’

You scoff, flipping chicken in the skillet. ‘I don’t need relaxing.’ 

‘Yes, you do,’ he says firmly. ‘Even the way you said that was tense.’

Setting the spatula on the counter, you turn to face him with a cocked eyebrow. ‘Now who’s the tense one?’

He doesn’t bother to respond to this. Instead, he hits play and soft soul music starts to play from the speaker. Sighing, you turn back to the stove and attempt to make yourself look busy. This was done on purpose. He knows that soul music feels like it belongs to you in some way, like you’ve claimed it as the sound of your blood.

What he doesn’t know is that the sight of him dancing to Otis Redding will hurt you, hurt you in a way that would make your heart feel as though it were bleeding. He doesn’t know that the sight of his hips swaying to the rhythm would make your breath catch, pausing at the sight to admire and memorize it before continuing with a quickened pace. He doesn’t and cannot know these things, so you keep your back to him in order to protect yourself. Because now, you think, you cannot possibly want him more.

Your back is to him, so you don’t see it. You don’t see the way he approaches you, eyes hungry and arms outstretched to hold you in the them. You don’t see the way he reaches for you, hands coming to rest atop your hips like he’s claiming you the way you’ve claimed the music. When he starts dancing with you, moving your body with his as he presses himself tightly against you, you don’t see the way his lips part to exhale against your hair. You don’t see the way his mouth hovers above your ear for too long, tongue desperate to lick against the lobe. You don’t see the way his eyes roll back in his head as you push against him, lightly, teasingly, and the way his fingers twitch to run themselves beneath the band of your shorts. The way they yearn to sneak beneath the band of your underwear to press, and touch, and stroke.

You don’t see the way he finally, truly, believes he is losing control. 

Nini[1:40 AM]: are you up?

Y/N[1:43 AM]: yeah why - MORE CHEESESTEAKS?

Nini[1:44 AM]: can i come over?

Y/N[1:44 AM]: are you ok?

Nini[1:45 AM]: i need to see you

Y/N sent a photo

Y/N[1:46 AM]: see! it’s me!

Nini[1:46 AM]: no. i need you see you. please.

Y/N[1:47 AM]: jongin youre scaring me. whats going on?

Nini[1:48 AM]: please say yes. just say i can see you. i just need you.

Y/N[1:49 AM]: yes babe yes the door is unlocked

Nini[1:50 AM]: on my way 

Five years. You’ve known Jongin for five years. 

Four years. You’ve loved Jongin for four years.

Never have you seen him look like this. For years you’ve watched him stumble into and out of love with anguish, grace, and pride, and still he’s never looked like this. 

He’s in your doorway and he looks like he’s gasping, swallowing whole mouthfuls of the air to catch his breath and to catch your scent. Hair has fallen into his eyes, his wide eyes that look at you as though they’ve reached their limit or found something - they’re fixed on you so completely you’re starting to feel naked beneath the gaze. There’s suffering happening beneath his skin. He’s fraught and fighting with something and you’re scared, you’re scared because you feel he brought the air of change with him and it’s making you vulnerable and uncomfortable.

He rushes into your house but doesn’t sit. His feet carry him in nondescript patterns around your living room, pacing in an almost frantic way.

‘Jongin,’ you whisper loudly, trying not to startle him out of his panic. ‘Jongin, what is going on?’ 

‘I reach for you,’ he blurts out, turning to look at you as though he’s had an epiphany. ‘I reach for you all the time and you never see it.’

Your brain muddles over these words, toys with them and breaks them apart to try to understand them but comes up empty and confused. 

‘You reach for me?’ you ask, breathless though you don’t know why. Something is happening, and your body is in on it first, making you lose faith and trust in the air and yourself. 

‘I reach for you,’ he repeats. ‘Something happens in my day, and I reach for my phone to tell you. I crave food at two in the morning, and I reach for you to come with me. I watch you cook, and I want to touch you, so I reach for you but you don’t see me. I am always reaching for you, and I need you to see me.’ 

The words rush out of his mouth like they’ve been waiting to be released for years, like he’s practiced them hundreds of times and now that he’s finally saying them he can’t wait to get them out. 

You’re facing him, and now you see it. You see the way his hands reach out to you as he approaches you, coming to cup your face gently and cradle it as though it were treasure. You see the way his eyes bore into yours, filled with love and lust and longing. You see the way he is breaking, shattering beneath his desire and how his breath is coming too quickly to really keep him alive. You see the way the world is spinning but you both are still in this moment, learning to reach for one another.

‘Do you see?’ he asks, softly with a trembling lip. ‘Do you see why I needed to be here? To hold you?’

You close your eyes and nod.

‘Don’t do that,’ he whispers.

You open your eyes and make to speak, but his thumb softly swipes over your bottom lip and tugs it gently down to luxuriate in its plumpness.

‘Don’t close your eyes,’ he clarifies. ‘ I want you to see.’ 

Eyes open wide, you watch as he lifts your chin upwards and presses his forehead against yours, taking the moment to breathe together. You watch as he slides just out of view and presses your lips together, your body suddenly warm with the contact and wetness pooling between your thighs. Keeping your eyes open, you let him kiss you, gently and full of purpose with a warm mouth and a soft tongue. Your eyes roll back just slightly as your hands fist in his hair, tongue pressing against his in time with your hips. His hands slide down your back to fist in the hem of your shirt, pulling it up as he moans, loudly and without shame, as his fingers touch your hot skin, and you see.

You see how you both took the scenic route to get here, to this moment. You see how having him in your arms makes the world brighter. You see how kissing him like this makes the world move slower.

You see how badly you need him. You finally see how deeply he loves you.