#but honestly every song from this era was incredible

[capow02]

When you're trying to look cool for the new era but it's also Midnight's anniversary 💜💜💜

Happy birthday Midnight!! 🎉🎉

[cupofwyn]

may i have this dance?⠀( l.jn )

pairing יִ،⠀lee jeno!prince × fem!reader

genre/s יִ،⠀fluff. a tinge of comedy. bridgerton period. royalty!AU. rofan.

warning/s יִ،⠀profanity. little to inaccurate representations of the regency era. being chased. overpraising of jeno's beauty (not guilty).

wc יִ،⠀10.3k

a/n יִ،⠀i might have underestimated the word count—i thought it was going to be short for a oneshot but oh well. THANK YOU FOR THE LONG AWAITED ANTICIPATION. i honestly couldn't have done it without you guys. if u liked it, i'd like to hear your thoughts about it thru reblog, comments, or even an ask! tyvm for waiting <(_ _)>

synopsis יִ،⠀it was all self-inflicted pressure when the spotlight finally turned to you as the final member of the family to experience a love story—the miracle that has been passed down from your parents down to your siblings and the privilege of love in marriage that has been jealoused upon the ton of high society. though the world might have run out of love stories available for you when your family took it all to their delight, or so you thought.

IT'S DAUNTING TO BE IN THIS SCENERY. The mere presence of the most extravagant things seen by spectators of this ballroom and the contrasting sentiments you had within it.

A rush of cold blood runs from your head down to your fidgeting fingers, though you can’t quite pick on your fingers like how you’d used to without gloves.

Everything here is tremendously uncomfortable.

After a few gentlemen who asked for your hand for a dance after conversations, to which you’ve escaped with excuses of going to the powder room, an imaginary friend calling you from afar, and many more lame reasons you could come up with, you’re back to the place where your mother left you a couple of songs ago.

All the sharp eyes that hid uncomfortable curiosity and the reoccurring implicit words that only let you converse about anything but yourself.

Inheritance and fascination about your family’s wealth and the sudden showers of compliments and two-faced flirting tactics—it was getting repetitive.

How could it be not known that the youngest daughter of the emperor's most influential and right-hand man and adviser was to debut in this season? Every man that you approached and conversed with would immediately recognize you and call your name before you even introduced yourself; the striking appearance of the marquess passed down to yours and feminized. No noble nor commoner could not recognize a child of the man whom the ruler of this kingdom entrusted and was well-endowed by every fertile land and mine.

Despite this, there was a more interesting mystic that involved not only your father but your whole family.

Love and marriage.

The oddest and rarest words that could be found together, as marriage is only ever seen as a necessity when a noble comes of age. Politics, business partnerships, and also harshly done to pay for debts, so there was no chance that marriage could turn into something romantic when it is established outside of those forms—yet bizarrely, your family is in a different light.

Your parents, the marquess, and marchioness were wed out of political convenience and yet ended up being the love match of their season, leading to their children being raised with it. Your first-born older sister’s husband might come off as someone who forcefully wed your sister to marriage but was wed out of love at first sight; your older brother with scandalous womanizer antics in the circle and yet is trying to bury the fact that his childhood friend from across our manor's street is slowly becoming the person of his desires and is oblivious that it is also reciprocated.

Love is contagious in this family, and you hate that it's a standard in your family to be wed out of it.

It is incredibly obnoxious. All you knew was that it was the oddest feeling you've seen from your family after seeing those subtle gestures of endearment they shared with their partners. There was always that softness and warmth in their eyes whenever they looked at their significant other despite them looking away.

How powerful is love that it makes a person pacify and willingly consign themselves for the other?

Perhaps you were the end of it.

Such a thing couldn't be held within a grasp of hand if you wanted it right this instance, but in every attempt for you to engage and entertain such thoughts with other gentlemen—something sparks different in their eyes.

Deceitment. They view you as a spectacle—the love that surrounded your family was their tool to win you over, and it terrifies you.

To achieve love, did it have to be this manipulative and hurtful?

Your expectations crashed down with every interaction you had with every man in this hall.

You were simply a target in their eyes.

The uncomfortable hunting gazes they shared with you and their presence alone induced such an invasive depth of cautiousness in you.

To be perceived without any control of the situation, far from the peaceful environment you had within your own confinements before you debuted. The tightness you endured from your corset is nothing more than what your chest and breathing had right now. With a frantic heartbeat and the cold pump of blood rushing into you, you don’t notice someone calling out for your attention.

“Dear?” A firm hand wrapped around your arms, and you jumped from the sudden contact until you recognized your mother's voice, disrupting the unconscious well in your eyes.

“Mama,” you replied.

“Are you feeling well? You've been here ever since I talked to the whole ton of this banquet. I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” Your mother rubbed your arms firmly.

“It's nothing, mama. Just the nerves.” you returned.

“So, how are things going? Have you enjoyed the evening with a charming gentleman, perhaps?” she told you with a teasing tone, beaming a smile at the view of dancing couples and the beautiful quartet's piece gracing the air.

She trusted that with your lively nature, you would talk to any gentleman without any push of encouragement from her, so she left you alone to fend for your own partner. With your pesky and womanizer antic of your brother, what would go wrong when you were left alone in your first debutante ball?

Alas, she forgot that you were a shut-in marquis’ daughter and that your brother is the exact reason why you can't continue to converse with any gentleman in this banquet. Violence and disgust were the only emotions you ever had with the opposite sex in the comforts of your own home, but to be faced with strangers and to be expected to converse well with them? Indeed, different emotions other than what you feel around your brother were reeling in—most of it anxiety.

“Oh, yes! The gentlemen are very charming and very pleasing to look at while I am dancing.” you strayed a forced laugh by the end in an unstable voice, and you coughed to clear it, now grinning to your mother's way in hopes that she'd not find you suspicious.

The marchioness heaved a joyous chuckle at herself as she looked at you proudly, wrapping her arms around yours to link it.

“I am so happy for you, dear.” she embraced you and pulled away as she looked at you adoringly, “If you're feeling more enthusiastic, I could interest you with other gentlemen—”

“How delightful!” An annoying pipsqueak cuts out mother and has snuck through you from the crowd of desperate and awestruck women frolicking at him, inducing you to roll your eyes at him—the rightful heir of the marquis-dom and your older brother, Haechan.

You were at the least thankful for his presence right now, as your mother could’ve suggested something preposterous if he didn’t interrupt.

He cheekily greeted you with a grin and bowed mockingly.

Those familiar eyes of deceit always brought a chill to your spine.

Don't tell me.

“Good evening, missus debutante. Still not up to the offer that this fine brother of yours will be your first name on your dance card?” The marchioness pinched his arms, and he winced, breaking his dashing persona as he woefully looked at your mother beside him.

“Haechan, have you no concern? Your sister is actually having the time of her life, enjoying the lining lords for her hand tonight while you have been out here, just making your chances with another set of women for you to play with.” Haechan rubbed his injured arm and formed a slight pout.

“What line of suit—” he did not finish as you immediately pinched his side, making him snap his head at you with bloodshot eyes.

“Make yourself useful and go out there. I have someone I want her to be introduced to.” your mother insisted.

“Mama, please. I don't want any of this bloody extravaganza,” you said through gritted teeth, and you likewise got a tug from your mother on your sides, her eyes wide openly glaring at you.

“Y/N! Language,” she whisper-shouted, and you mumbled an annoyed apology in return.

“I should tell you, Y/N,” Haechan spoke up, looking at you with mischief in his eyes, the corner of his mouth upturned.

“Don't you dare.” you mouthed at him.

“—A dance! A dance doesn’t really make them your definitive husband, dear sister.” he apathetically commented and crossed his arms, giving you a smug look.

You furrowed your eyebrows at him. You could even feel your ears and nostrils shooting out warm air.

“That is true.” your mother replied. “Although it truly matters who you're dancing with at your debutante gala.” The marchioness starts, and you can shoot a look at her and sigh that she's even doing her sermons at this event. “It resembles the refined attitude and talents of a noble lady. In short, it defines their role in society. For example, your older sister’s husband, the Duke of Rogan. He might be considered the tyrant who mercilessly killed a thousand of the enemy’s army last year, but he is devilishly handsome. You wouldn’t want your sister to be looked upon as with plain rigid taste in marital circles because her first dance is with someone like, well—”

“Like Lord Hopworth.” Your brother continued.

“Hm. Yes, a gentleman with a love for his horses that he only smells of stables and dirt.” Your mother helplessly agrees and fans herself in shame, discussing such gossip circle topics with her children.

“Comparing sister’s husband to Lord Hopworth…they are both in different leagues, mother. I, on the other hand, have no issues whatsoever with the man's hobbies and his reputation in the marital circle. Still, he has already danced with all the women in his family during the past three marital seasons. Might a miracle of a chance would only appear if a distant cousin would appear out of thin air or if Y/N had the wits to ask him a dance.” Haechan chuckled to himself proudly, uttering from you a gasp.

Your brother has been testing your waters ever since he joined your company, and this growing annoyance soon turns into an outburst.

“Explains why women who danced with my unwed brother for three years are still not wed by now. You're just trying hard to hide the fact that you have feelings for your best friend.” you retorted back.

“Y/N! That's crude.” your mother criticizes your sudden remark.

Haechan's eyes grow open in every passing second, and his breathing stops. In a while, he snaps his head away, half-suppressing a snicker.

“Well, look who's talking. See, mother.” Haechan started, and you could feel your chest suddenly heavy.

“I heard from the gentlemen's circle that my dearest sister kept on escaping dance offers from several gentlemen, saying that she would make lousy excuses to reject their dance offers tacitly—!” he ended with a huff. Your mother was frozen on the spot. She finally lets go of your linked arms, looking at you with disbelief.

"Mama, I can explain."

“Is it true, Y/N?” She suddenly asks with a firm tone.

“I…” You’re left speechless. The disappointing truth of your dance affairs is now out in the open, revealed to your mother. At any moment, you’re almost about to be eaten up by guilt at your attitude, especially in your debut.

While rejecting dance offers is rude, the fact that you have dismissed a number of offers from gentlemen of this banquet and have been talked about in their circle was more destructive to your family’s reputation, but most importantly, your reputation.

“Yes, I admit it,” you admitted, your eyes lowering away from your mother.

“You should have just told me, dear. There's no need for you to lie about it.”

“If I would admit it, then I’ll only place you on the burden that I’m carrying. I—” you choked on your own voice, and your eyes grew well with tears.

“Mother, I have been only looked at as an object by all the men here. I tried my best to engage in a conversation, but all that I get are harsh eyes and insincere words, and I believe it is because they only see me for what I have—what our family has! Mama,” the last word strays like a plead, and you continue with choked tears.

“I’m sorry. I need to have fresh air.” You turned your heels away and left the front doors of the palace, leaving your familial company stunned.

“Y/N!” Your brother almost followed along but was stopped by your mother, her hand placed on his arms, and she shook her head.

“Leave your sister alone for now. She needs time to adjust.”

“But Mama, she was being rude!” Haechan grimaced.

“You have to understand that your sister must be faced with expectations not only from others but herself. She must have gone through so much when I left her.” The marchioness released a heavy sigh, burdened with guilt for having left you unattended.

“Oh, what have I done to her?” she brought her head down in defeat, and Haechan rubbed her arms for comfort, unable to speak anything and partly guilty of his behavior towards you.

“Check on her after a few minutes.” your mother pleaded, but it took a few minutes before he could respond.

“Alright.”

THE TEARS IN YOUR EYES FELL STRONGLY DOWN YOUR CHEEKS AS YOU LEFT THE SCENE. Your vision starts to get blurry, and you pursed your lips in hopes that these tears may come to a halt, but you know it isn’t that easy.

Humiliating. Pathetic. Your family has finally discovered your true intentions. You knew that the only people to blame were the men you interacted with and not yourself, but in the end, you were the one who was more affected by their treatment of you. Their simplistic perception of you as nothing but the daughter of a marquess that could bring them to their own prime and financial risings to the society, and it drove you mad.

You were furious about your status, yet, at the same time, conflicted that maybe you were a bit too sensitive and could not stand your guard.

But was it wrong to be hurt? That even with these privileges, you were viewed as nothing but that as soon as you left home.

Debuting into society wasn’t all what you thought it was. It isn’t romantic nor the slightest bit magical. It is war only disguised as something pleasurable with performative beauty in one place.

You desperately tried to hold back your weeping, hiding under the garden’s fountain, not the slightest care that your dress would be dirtied with the grass you laid on, clutching your chest to ease the heaviness. You thought that the fresh air and the silence of the outside gardens could appease, though now it is only the opposite. The vulnerability that you hid as much as you could only cease to hide and break down.

What a waste. That you were just crying in this beautiful scenery.

The serene lush of green and the silence of the night, flickers of stars shining bright in the night sky, bearing witness to the presence of a distraught lady sitting alone under the water fountain.

You look up to the night sky and wipe the falling tears with your arms, another set of tears only falling as you wipe your cheeks.

But there was no time to waste, you knew. You sniffed in all your snot, removing your gloves and disregarding it as it was moist from all the wiping, and let yourself calm down, hoping that there were no further moments that you’d cry again.

Don’t try being a coward this time, you demanded to yourself, quickly huffing out a breath as you slapped your cheeks.

There was no other choice but to go back inside and dance to any man that your eyes would first lay on—no matter their perception of you.

“Let's do this.”

However, a disruption comes.

A shuffle of running feet is suddenly getting louder by any minute closer to you, and you snappily bring your head to the source, seeing a young man with jet black hair and clothes with a ruby red suit running towards you, occasionally looking behind them as if being chased.

Only one thing and one matter came to mind when you saw that scene: To run.

You wasted no time, got up from the fountain's edge, and you hit your head on the edge. You hissed at the impact, slowly standing up as you clutched your head.

“Please!” A young man's voice called out, and it was from the gentleman running towards you. “Please, hide me.” he huffed.

Before you could run away from him, the man finally reached you and immediately hid behind the bushes near the fountain.

What...what was that?

You stood there with nothing in mind and confused about the sudden role given to you.

After a few seconds, another gentleman ran towards you, and this time, you were prepared to run away.

“My lady, halt! I only have a question to ask you.” he stops a few feet away from you and bends, his arms holding onto his knees as he catches his breath.

You stop in your tracks, obliging, and take two steps back.

He fixed himself and stood up straight, a foot tall from you. A refined man with rounded slit eyes and a timid demeanor stands before you, the same age, you guessed, as the man earlier, who is currently hiding in the bushes. He plastered a kind smile, eyes disappearing as he took his barnacle from his suit pocket.

The man cleared his voice and bowed down to greet you, and you do the same.

“Good evening, my lady. I am the son of the Viscount Huang. Renjun Huang, from the House of Capri. Pardon that I rashly made a bad impression on you during our first meeting.”

You greeted back a good evening, introducing yourself and your house, bowing again, and stood up, raising your chin slightly as you carefully asked. “What of I could assist you, Sir Huang?”

“There seems to be someone I am looking for but had run away, rather—” the viscount chuckled to himself and reiterated, “My company has left me alone.”

“Have you perhaps seen a young man with this stature,” he gestured inches above his height. “Wearing a red suit and has black hair?” he finished, and you froze at your spot.

His descriptions of the gentleman he was looking for were precisely like the man you saw speeding towards you, asking you to hide him from someone, which you presume is this person who introduced himself as the son of the House of Capri, Renjun Huang.

You thought deeply, trying to recall any memory from your social etiquette classes that made you memorize and recognize the names and history of each noble family in the kingdom before debuting, as it was essential to have one before entering society.

Viscount Huang from the House of Capri. Weren’t they a family of butlers who have served the imperial family from generation to generation?

"Hmm, a gentleman with that stature has a red suit and black hair?" he nodded at your question, and you wandered off, looking around as you faked an attempt to deeply think about his inquiry when you were actually in a dilemma on whose side you should pick.

Obviously, you had no relations with both gentlemen, and only a huge silence engulfed you as your own conscience measured the rightful decision in this situation.

You gulped and looked back at the man before you and immediately looked away as you saw the desperation and that hint of insanity in his eyes, vividly seeing those dark circles beneath them.

To which gentleman do you trust and help out?

“…I think,” you crossed your arms, rubbing your arms with your hands to appease you as you thought deeply of your choice. “I think I saw that man went that way.” you nervously pointed to your left where the gates leading to another part of the castle are.

The viscount mumbled to himself that he thought right and bowed his head to you. “Thank you, Miss Y/N. Have a good evening.” Sir Huang paused for a moment and smiled gently, adding. “I also hope you are feeling well, my lady.” and he ran in the direction you pointed.

And you were grateful for the sentiment that he shared with you; as short as it was, you felt that he was worried about you. Your eyes must be so swollen from the crying that you took no care to care about your appearance to anybody else. Now you felt guilty for deceiving him.

You waited until his figure disappeared from sight as he entered the castle, and you heaved out a big exhale you had unconsciously held earlier.

You should never be left unchaperoned in another social gathering, you decided.

Though, you can only wonder. Why was the son of a viscount, the son of the current imperial butler, so hung up on this person behind the bushes to the point of chasing him?

Oh, gosh.

You might have chosen a criminal.

A threat to the royal family, perhaps?

Speaking of the devil, the bush near the fountain rustled, and you turned slowly to the bushes, quickly seeking any sort of weapon you could find, and you saw a twig. You picked it up, bent it a little, swung it around to test its firmness, and finally decided that it was good for defense as it was durable.

It is better to have one or nothing, you thought.

You suspiciously walked near it, which is the most reckless thing to do right now, but the twig you held right now gave you that foolish, courageous act. That it could give you full defense against a possible criminal.

Then comes out the man from earlier, his broad back and his clean-cut hair in your view, startling you as your shoulders jump, causing you to clutch your chest and pacify your pounding heart.

“Thank heavens.” a deep voice unveils out of the mysterious man, and he sweeps the dirt and leaves on him, soon turning to you with a troubled face.

You swore you could feel your jaw getting loose as you froze in awe of the man before you.

Chiseled face made of strong facial bones, nose perfectly angled to a degree, lush pink lips of a distinguishable cupid's bow above it, and those long set of lashes, low as it veils his dark eyes, deep yet shining underneath the yellow dim lights of the nearby lamp post around us; it's almost like the porcelain statues and paintings of the imperial ancestors from the palace has come to life—the most significant artists and poets combined to forge imagery of a rightful muse to every medium and ink that praises a divine being.

And that mole, placed under his eyes.

His eyes stare back at you, only delving you to say.

“Wow.”

“Pardon?” The man raises his brow, his lips upturned to amusement.

Your cheeks get warm, and you immediately shake your hands in the air, correcting yourself. “I mean, wow—no, I mean,” you paused and thought deeply to yourself as you looked back at him with seriousness. “I'm afraid there are no present expressions to describe it.”

The man blinked, dumbfounded, and his cheekbones started to define, soon bursting into a fit of laughter at your reaction, holding his stomach as he bent down to laugh more.

The urge to be eaten by the ground was more tempting than ever in your point of existence. You lightly smacked your lips with your hand to punish yourself for your intrusive thoughts winning before you just by the presence of this captivating being.

He finished as he calmed down, ending it with a smile as he stood tall.

“Thank you. I've never been complimented with that expression before, at least not in a first meeting—wow.” The man snickered to himself, his eyes raised to the shape of a crescent moon, and you almost melted to your knees.

The imperial court should consider banning that charming smile; you finally kept the thought to yourself.

“I am deeply grateful for your kindness, miss. I would have understood if you had chosen Sir Huang instead of me since I am, after all, still a stranger to you.” he bowed to the highest degree, his upper body lowered straight as the ground, and you nervously assumed the same greeting, stunned with this deep gratitude.

You realize that this man is still a potential criminal, and you discreetly hide your weapon (a twig) behind you.

“Why were you chased by the viscount, my lord?” you backed off a few steps from the mysterious man as you stood before he did.

“Well, if I were speaking truthfully,” he whirred lowly, trying to find the right words to reason his circumstance. “I would have been forced to enter the ballroom to which I have been warily hiding from my chaperone—I don't want to go through this dancing propaganda, you see.”

“Oh,” you relaxed a little, the grip on your weapon (still a twig) becoming less firm. “I guess I understand.” you engaged.

“You do?”

“Do what?” you looked up at him cautiously, and he walked close to you.

“You also dislike this conviction behind the dancing and the desperation for marriage.” he reiterated, adamant sparkles of enthusiasm in his eyes, still not taking a hint of your obvious nervousness.

“I don't think we're meant to talk so freely about that.” you attempted to retreat from the topic, or moreover, from him, and the sparks were lost as he lowered his eyes and he finally stopped.

“Oh. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that.” The gentleman begged pardon, sincerity clear in his apology, and you notice it, bringing you to look at him and shaking your head.

“No! It's just that...” you hesitated. “I believe my opinions and criticisms of society, as a lady, would be frowned upon. That's why I responded that way.”

The young man looks at you and eases, assured that you are not opposed nor baffled by the conversation's topic.

“Well,” he looked around. “We are the only people present here, aren't we? You're free to tell me things without feeling drawn back, and I assure you that I intently outcast myself from society.”

“You have such grand privileges, my lord. I feel envious of that freedom.” you professed, smiling at him green-eyed, and he shrugged his shoulders, crossing his arms as he looked far and sighed, sitting on the edge of the water fountain.

“It's not always thrilling. My siblings are wary of me because my father favors me more than they do. My father also insisted that I marry and take his stead immediately. With my escapades, I am never to be left alone again when I leave my chambers,” he shared.

He noticed the silence afterward and soon came to regret his actions again.

“I apologize. I may have overshared—”

“I also have a conflicting problem as you do, but more personal.” you also opened up, also sitting on the water fountain's edge, still keeping a good fair distance from him. “I am the youngest and the last of my family to come of age, and I feel like I am not suitable to be here. This dancing and its etiquettes.” you stopped.

He remains silent, eyes now focused on you and every meaning that is present on your face as you're looking away, noticing the tears welling in your eyes.

“If you know my family very well, then you could probably guess that I am very privileged and that everybody wants to get close to me.” you chuckled to yourself, looking down and bringing your hands in front of you, now fidgeting on the twig. “It's funny how I hate that kind of attention because that means I can easily make friends, but it's not genuine.”

The cold air breeze caved between you, and there remained silence. The man keenly waits for another word from you, but there is a look of hesitance present on yours, and before he opens his mouth to talk, you continue.

“I hate it. Everything there reminds me that I could be easily eaten up if I'm not careful, and I’m scared to take any dance offers that could possibly have a hidden motive.” you wept yet again, the warm tears now falling on your cold hands, and you wiped it away.

You say nothing. In your peripheral, you notice a white thing hanging in the air, and you look at it, seeing an extended arm from the stranger who is reassuringly smiling, handing you a handkerchief.

“Here.” the man said, and you hesitated, staring at the handkerchief.

“There's nothing on the handkerchief. I swear on my family's name. It's yours to take.” he reassured, and you felt found out from your cautiousness.

“Thank you.” you mumbled under your breath and accepted the handkerchief, wiping every tear and snot on your face.

You have never thought to receive such understanding from a stranger this evening or be listened to without any judgment and malice. This interaction is what you hoped to receive from all of the conversations of the past gentleman—to be simply heard.

The man secretly grins to himself, finding the scene endearing and relaxed as you were freely talking to him.

“...If it assures you, I experience the same thing as you do ever since I was aware of it.” he sympathized with you, and you looked up at him, finding him smiling though opposite from his eyes, pained as he looked at the sky.

“People looked at me and treated me kindly, but they secretly plot things behind me just to use me, using their closeness to me to satisfy their selfish desires or to raise their rankings. My parents were wed out of convenience just to make an heir, and ever since then, I have lived my life carefully—I rarely find people who I could lean on and depend on.”

“That's why I don't bother myself attending the dances or any party, and I just stay outside of it when I'm forced to attend one. I realized if I even find this occasion tempting to join, then I'll only add more unwanted attention to my life.” he ended, and there came again the silence, but now you're sharing eye contact.

It is comforting this silence you shared this time, pleasant and easy to bear, and you can't help but break in a smile, a stray tear coming down your cheek, and he chuckled, rubbing his nape timidly at this progression.

The mysterious man sitting far away from you had more depth now that you knew behind the charming and gleaming factors that there was vulnerability and the capability for sympathy.

Would it be too much to ask for more of him?

“Would you care to share some refreshments with me?” you confidently sat a bit closer.

“I—”

“Your Highness!” Before he could answer, a distant voice shouted, and both of you looked at the familiar figure, Sir Huang, running towards you.

“What did he say?” your eyebrows furrowed as you watched Sir Huang getting closer.

“Your High—”

“Not important.” he interrupted, now standing near you as he held out his hand. “I'm sorry, but we must run, my lady. Please take my hand.” you can't help but accept it, and the both of you dash away in the direction of the ballroom's entrance. You run behind him, completely confused by your necessary involvement with this escapade and threatened that you are also now being chased.

“What is happening, my lord!” You shouted at him.

“I know a secret passage to the ballroom. Just follow me.” he looked back at you and quickly glanced at the growing tired viscount running after us.

The evening wind was cold as it slapped across your body and created a mess out of your hair, your breathing slowly reminding you that you are not the athletic person to run away with a chasing situation and definitely not with the evening gown and shoes you are wearing. You might need to lie down on the cold floor after this inevitably.

On the other hand, the lord, who is still firmly holding your hand, drags you both to hide any block and bushes, and after puzzling the frantic Sir Huang, the both of you proceed to run, him noticeably slowing his pace to match yours from time to time.

You were starting to lose your breath, and the both of you were finally on the grounds of the outside gates of the ballroom.

“It's truly incredible how you're still not catching your breath, my lord, but may I remind you,” you inhaled in more air and wiped the sweat off your forehead while he was tensely looking for whatever he hoped to find. “I am simply not built for running. I don't even like running at all!”

He quietly shushed you, and you pursed your lips to refrain complaints from coming out of your mouth, and you noticed that he still hadn't let go of your hand.

You flushed from the continual contact, and he dragged you away from the gate, leading you to the right side of the building, where a door meant for the servants and the noticeable clinks of pans from the inside. He doesn't hesitate to open it and bring you inside quickly, walking past the servants who are startled by the sudden presence of nobles in the dirty kitchen.

“Where are we going?” Your knees still feel weak from running, and outside of the kitchen, there is a stairway that leads upstairs, to which each noble was not permitted to enter at all costs as the ballroom grounds and the gardens were the only places that one was to enter.

“We're not permitted to enter this place, my lord!” Your hand dragged him down as he stepped on one step of the staircase, and he looked at you with a glint of hurry in his eyes.

‘Would you rather be seen with me by the viscount or continue running away with me?” he probed, lowering his chin to look down at you at the end of the stairway.

“Look,” you paused to make a statement. “I don't know why I am running with you when this is not part of my concern. You can't possibly think that I would run away with someone I just met!” you exclaimed, wide-eyed as you looked at the unnamed lord, finding his suggestions reckless.

The man was stunned by your reaction, visibly hurt by you berating the connection you made after all of those conversations, and you can see it, the guilt of your outburst at him gnawing at you.

“I seem to have chosen the wrong words. My butler—” he sighed, massaging the bridge of his nose. “The son of the viscount rather has seen us together, and you would be the prime evidence and witness of my last presence in this event, which he would never let go of, my lady. So choose. Would you rather be with me and slowly part our ways or be seen with me by the viscount and hear rumors of us being alone and unchaperoned?” the man paused, looking intently at you as he waited for your response. You, who had nothing to say and were ashamed of your earlier response, just nodded and agreed.

“Alright.” The both of you then walked up the staircase, his grip on your hand still unceasing, and you're slowly becoming bothered by it.

“You can let go of my hand already, sir.” you said.

“Sorry.” he quickly let go as the two of you reached the second floor.

The surrounding frames of eerily familiar faces of royals on the walls urge you to avoid any eye contact with them, their faces now barely comfortable to stare and adore at, and the clanking of both of the soles of your shoes on the wooden platform floors, loud, awkward, filling up the silence that the both of you shared only heightens the apparent climactic end of this camaraderie you shared at the garden—your blunt take on how your meeting was simply empty.

You can't help but feel hurt that you haven't considered the sentimental and unexpected companionship with a man you helped for unknown reasons was the best part of this nightmarish marital circle.

The man was clearly hurt by your words earlier and he still inevitably did not leave you alone to be spotted unchaperoned alone with a man. He helped you and listened to you without you asking of him. Your response earlier was ungrateful, responding that you were bothered by it.

You bit your lips, clasping your hands in front of you as you walked behind him.

“My lord?” you called him, and he answered with a gentle hum, continuing to walk.

“I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to dismiss our meeting we had at the gardens.”

He stopped and looked back as he smiled reassuringly.

“There's no need for you to apologize, miss. I have inconvenienced you after all. Our meeting earlier was certainly unexpected and troubling for you, so I understand.” he turned back and continued to walk.

After a few walks, the muffled music from the ballroom slowly got louder. The ballroom was near your vicinity, and you tried to strike up a conversation.

“Are you still not interested in dancing, my lord?”

“Not really. I'm still not interested in being on the dance floor,” he responded shortly, and you take it as a sign not to continue, but he added after a second.

“After the past two seasons, my father is determined to marry me to any woman he'd find me dancing with,” he added, and you hummed thoughtfully.

“So this would be your third season in the marriage circle?” you asked him, and he nodded.

“Indeed.”

His answer made you think deeply, slowly coming up with crafted advice in your head. “Huh,” you responded as you came to a thought, and he looked back at you, puzzled.

“What do you mean by huh?"

“I think you’re missing the point here, my lord.” you slowly caught up to his pace. “If I were you, I'd be setting up a forged relationship with another noble lady just to keep off those kinds of intrusive parents, and then we'd keep the contract for a few years at the least,” you suggested with not much thought.

“Hmm, wait. But it would also not last that much—”

“...I see.” the man replied.

To your dismay, the person chasing you might have finally found out your presence, a set of running feet suddenly getting nearer, and your companion panicked, quickly moving both of you toward a nearby narrow corner, enough for both people to hide.

“Hide in that corner quickly.” He placed you in the corner and helped to hide you, but he didn't bother to hide with you.

“My lord, you should also hide.” you caught his arm and nudged him to where you were hiding too.

“My lady.” he suddenly said, a hint of mischief in his voice.

“Yes?” you replied carefully.

“May I ask for your hand for the next song?”

“What?” you almost shouted out, and he just grinned.

“Your advice was brilliant.” he complimented, and you furrowed your eyebrows.

“I'm saying I would like to make an alliance with you. I'll ask for your hand, and you'll be the center of attention by tonight's party.”

“But wouldn't that risk me being your prospect partner?”

“Unless you'd be proposed to by a ton of suitors by the next morning, there'll be no chance of me winning, and there would be a delay in their enforcement of me to get married. Wouldn't it also be romantic to be asked by many men after dancing with a fine bachelor like me?” he joked by the end, and you scowled in reaction.

“I am not so certain with your plan, my lord. You, who I realized I am not aware of your name yet, and the noble family you belong to wouldn't possibly cause that much ruckus. Unless you are one of the royal princes, then that would make a lot of difference.” he evidently feels startled by your suggestion, and he shakes his head in denial.

“What? No—! Pfft. Why would you assume so?” he waved his hands in the air and continued. “But still, I'll make sure that I will help you feel less burdened with your situation. It's a win-win situation for both of us. At least for a while, when you don't pick me.”

“And how are you so sure I wouldn't pick you?” you answered quite quickly, and the young lord was startled, and so were you by your boldness.

The two of you spend a few seconds just staring at each other, and he breaks eye contact, looking away as he clears his voice.

“My lord, please,” Sir Huang coughed. “Please show yourself! I can't do this any longer!” he complained.

“What's your answer, my lady?” the man before you finally asked, holding out his hand, and you paused for a while, still a bit embarrassed.

Your act of boldness was unexpected of you. That plan you proposed was just a way to converse with him, but it made you look interested in your newfound companion. You just hoped that it wouldn't make both of you awkward, but that doesn't seem to be the case, as he was still willing to do it with you.

This alliance would be all in your favor. You'll finally show your mother that you have enjoyed tonight's party and won't place any more worry on her, but why would he assume you would want more men by the next morning? You don't want any flock of men by the next morning. You didn't like that he said that.

“I'm in.” you agreed and accepted his hand to shake. “This better work, sir?”

There's nothing wrong with accepting it either way, is it?

“Jeno.” He joined your hands and firmly made a handshake. “Call me Lord Jeno, my lady.”

Sir Huang still complains about his missing companion, Lord Jeno. His sneaking footsteps become louder, and Sir Jeno hid you properly for once.

“I'll show myself to the viscount, and you wait for a while until we leave. I'll see you downstairs.”

Then he left.

THIS ALLIANCE. THIS PLAN. You could immediately feel that you might soon regret agreeing to that ridiculous suggestion you made with that man. It was rebellious and certainly not fitting for someone who just entered the society. The man you agreed with has been in the season for three years, and you're barely keeping up with this hectic day a noble lady could have for just coming of age.

You waited a while after you heard no mumbling noises in the hallway and slowly got up, holding on to the wall as your knees weakened from all the running and the brief relaxation your legs had to take. You grunted as you fixed and swept your skirt clean, fixed your hair in place to a nearby mirror, peeked a little from the corners to investigate your surroundings, and left as you determined the place clear.

The music from the ballroom comes to a halt, the quartet resting for another set of music for tonight, and you start to get nervous as you encounter the stairway leading down to the ballroom.

You grumbled to yourself as you descended the stairs, questioning your actions and wondering about the identity of the mysterious man who finally introduced himself as Lord Jeno.

Everything about him exuded aristocracy, so you had no doubt that he was a noble and definitely wasn’t a criminal. But what was the deal of the son of a viscount chasing him like hunting prey? The son of the viscount whose family are butlers of the imperial family?

You almost scratched your head in this situation you've put yourself in. While you were grateful for the unexpected companionship you made with a handsome gentleman tonight, you had just dragged yourself into another complex obstacle you have never faced. More worse than arguing with your mother about your lying.

Who was Lord Jeno?

The ballroom doors swung open, and the gleaming yellow lights of the ballroom soon entered your vision. You stepped down to the final step of the staircase, near the refreshments where the people took their rest after a dance—and you attracted too much attention.

They must’ve heard your issue with accepting a number of dance offers from the noblemen, and you were gone by the following few songs when you conversed with the family you brought tonight.

People in society are quick to judge anyone who acts differently from the must-followed social etiquette you discovered. They're quick to spread words, to create a transparent wall they could ridicule anyone who is not doing the norms.

You couldn't bear but notice and catch all of the glances, and the whispered conversations shamelessly out loud in front of you, and your eyes desperately searched the room, looking for familiarity, looking for a place you could very much hide.

“Y/N!” you snapped and looked in the direction of the voice to see your brother walking towards you grumpily.

“I thought that you were outside, and I came out looking for you only to find you nowhere! Where have you been!” Haechan nagged, placing his hands on his hips as he exasperated an annoyed groan.

You looked down in defeat, not having the energy to fight back like what you usually do with him, not in this place. You could only give them another thing to talk about.

“I'm sorry I made you worried.” Haechan's gaze towards you softened, with the hands on his hips soon placed in his pockets.

Seeing you in a state where your usual reaction was to fight back was unusual for Haechan, and instead of anger and frustration, his emotions subsided into pure concern for you.

“Hey, I'm very sorry earlier. I shouldn't have told mother about your situation. It wasn't my right to do so.” Your brother apologized, and you looked up at him to see him with sympathizing eyes. You smiled knowingly, slowly turning into chuckles.

“You don't look good acting kind.” you teased, and he gently nudged you in response, shrugging off your comment.

“Shut up.” he irked and crossed his arms as he smiled by the end after the two of you shared a laugh.

“Say, brother," you said.

“Yes?” he replied.

“If a person was ever chased by a son of a butler, a known imperial butler to be exact, what does that mean for the person chased?” you asked hesitatingly.

“Pardon?”

“Nothing.” your immediate reply only brings him to suspicion by your sudden behavior.

“Y/N,” he started. “What did you do this time?”

You avoid eye contact with him as you start to fidget, your heart beating anxiously as you count as the seconds that pass by, observing how the musicians slowly approach their instruments and flip their music sheets on a standee.

“A man was chased by the son of Viscount Huang.” you gulped, and Haechan remained silent, pausing to come up with an appropriate question as he observed your frozen figure.

“And?” he asked.

“I made an alliance with said man.”

“Y/N,” he said with gritted teeth as he sighed in defeat. “What have you done!”

“I know, and I have my suspicions too! Alright! But I swear the person has only given me infinite kindness from the beginning…If you exclude the part that I helped in hiding him from the son of the royal butler.”

“Sweet heavens.” he places his palm on his forehead, shaking his head in distress.

“All we agreed was to have one dance, and that's it! I promise there's nothing more than what we have agreed. But listen, this man,” you stopped, looking around you, and got nearer to him as you whispered. “We might be talking about the kingdom’s prince here.” you reasoned with him, and he thought about it, looking at you still for you to continue.

“That’s ridiculous,” he commented. “There’s no way a prince would be asking you out.”

You gasped and hit him on his arm. “You know insulting me is also insulting our parents and yourself too.”

“I had my doubts.” Haechan joked, and you hit him again, earning from him a ‘hey!’.

“You have to take this seriously. This man has been acting suspiciously from the start. Look. He was chased by what I presume, his butler. I heard quite faintly a ‘Your Highness!’ when we were chased down by his butler, and he…” You looked at him, dead in the eyes. “Was a terrible liar. He had quite a violent reaction when I suspected him to be one of the princes.”

“You know, the youngest prince was supposed to debut on my season, but he hasn’t shown up ever since. No one knows his face or name.” Haechan whispered back at you.

“And when did you enter high society again?”

“This is my third, so the past two seasons ago.”

“Oh, dear,” you said as you stared at the ground from your realization. “Where is mother—”

“Lady Y/N.” An ardent voice called you from behind, and you looked behind you, and you saw your expected person.

“Lord Jeno?” you uttered his name, and upon release, the weight of the atmosphere became heavier with his simple presence alone.

And everyone notices. The notable stranger, who was never seen through the night until now, approached the debutante rumored upon and best known to reject several dance offers curtly.

“Y/N?” Haechan asked, staring at Lord Jeno.

Jeno notices your brother and bows, greeting him.

“Good evening, sir.”

“Good evening…” Haechan wandered off, and you were wearing the same expression as he did. Bewildered. Intimidated. Awestrucked.

Shushed conversations and murmuring circles surround the both of you, but despite this, the lord in front of you is composed, poised straight, a firm hand holding out to ask for yours and the other behind him—too firm and frozen you notice. His hand shakes, and so do his eyes, looking at yours as he awkwardly smiles.

“Will you have this dance with me, Lady Y/N?” Lord Jeno asked hesitantly, and you gulped, offering out your hand to touch his, barely placed on his palms as you felt that if you touched his hands again, you’d taint him.

"Yes…my lord," you lately answered the last, not knowing how to address him. He breathed out a sigh of relief, too nervous as if there was a never-agreed-upon alliance behind this.

Shouldn’t you be the nervous one here?

Jeno leads you to the dance floor, and he is still stiff. The pressure of the many eyes is troubling him, especially since, out of his three seasons, he is officially marking an entrance into high society.

Everything he avoided was present in this banquet. Crowds and circles of people and their eyes—free to perceive him as a subject of talk.

He can barely breathe in air, overwhelmed by consciousness by the piercing stares now placed upon him, unaware of you calling out to him, and you tugged him down only to startle him, finally looking at you with anxious eyes.

You gestured for him to bend down, and he followed, whispering in his ears as if he were down at your height. “Are you not feeling well, my lord?”

The ticklish air on his ears from yours gives a ginger warmth to his ears, seconds late to answer you with a simple nod and smile, and you squeeze your clasped hands with him, giving him a feat of courage with your eyes. His heart flutters at this small gesture, the nearness of you making him feel warm but when he looks into your eyes, he notices a glint of something more to it.

Your eyes only show curiosity—more like suspicion.

“My lady, is there something you want to say to me?” Jeno asked, and the glint vanished as you shook your head.

“No. It’s nothing.” But nothing always had something.

You might already have guessed it, but you’re just keeping it to yourself.

The both of you finally take the dance floor. Jeno holds your hand and places the other one on your hips, and you place your free hand on his arm nervously. The quarter starts with the bass, plucking it, and the violin strung after, a cheery tune playing into the dance floor, positioning you both in a waltz.

There is a noticeable space that is around the both of you and Jeno notices it, giving you a sign about it.

“We're like a deadly disease on this dance floor.” Jeno joked, and you looked around you and chuckled along, too occupied by your reoccurring thought.

You reflected on the times when you interacted with him and thought deeply about the things you did ungraciously in front of him.

Well, you complained to him. Talked back at him. Held his hand. You also wiped your snot and tears on his handkerchief—a handkerchief that could possibly cost more than what a normal handkerchief is. After all, he is the prince.

Could be the prince, for now.

“Lady Y/N? What’s the problem? You’ve been staring at the air for quite a moment now. Is there any way I could help?” Jeno asked, concerned.

You don’t respond for a few seconds. “Lord Jeno.”

“Yes, my lady?” he replied lowly. Your mind only drives chaos at his tender reply.

“Are you really not one of the princes?” you ended, and his face tensed at your question.

“If I said yes…” he paused, his face softened, eyebrows brought together as he looked back at you hesitantly. “Will you avoid me too?”

Your heart dropped. Hearing him say ‘too’, only made you realize about his past situations that pained him and made you think about yourself. The memories of your interaction with him came crashing into you as you realized that you were acting and thinking the same as what he told you about the people who interacted with him. And he has probably felt lonely his whole life with this.

But with you, he felt seen and understood��just like what you felt about him too.

“No.” you immediately answered this time. “I won’t, my lord.”

Jeno doesn’t respond, only looking at you bewildered, and he smiles cheek to cheek, reassured by your sincerity.

The next dance segment pulled you near him as the strings modulated and came to a halt. He puts his face close to you slowly, moving his face on the side of your face as he whispers in your ears, the proximity of the both of you close—too close.

“That’s a relief.” you touch your ear as he pulls his face away. “I’m so glad it’s you that I met.” he said, still brimming with joy, unaware of the effect he had on you with that action.

The warmth of Jeno’s whispers remains for a while, and it’s ticklish, and for a moment, you forget the crowd watching you both, unaware of the stir that caused that simple action that took you off course too. The words he has spoken echoed through you, filling you with confusion and butterflies.

The music swells in, and Jeno gracefully leads you across the dance floor; the room is out of focus, other dancers and onlookers fading in the background as you only look at the man you’re dancing with—moving in perfect harmony.

There remains an unbroken eye contact, silence, and the strings from the instruments swarming between the both of you in glee rendition. Looking directly at a prince, you should be nervous and uncomfortable, but none of that is present in your mind. What you saw at the moment wasn’t the prince.

It was Jeno. The mysterious man that you helped and approached recklessly. The man who listened to your story with no prejudice. The man who offered his hand out to you when you were stuck in your own thoughts.

The friend you made out of this treacherous night.

As you continued to dance, you tried your best to gather yourself. You might not have heard him say yes to your question yet, but you can only wonder what it means for your future—what exactly would happen after this alliance was done and gone?

“Lord Jeno,” you said softly, breaking the silence.

“Or should I say, Prince Jeno?” you asked carefully, and he chuckled, nodding in agreement.

“Yes, Lady Y/N?”

“It feels weird addressing you like this. It’s like I’m speaking casually, but I’m actually formally treating you.” you commented, and he laughed at this.

“You’re the only one who I hear calling me in that way. Even if you’re already properly addressing me,” he replied. “I much more prefer it.”

He’s doing that again. Commenting so easily about things that make you feel weak on your knees.

How can he be so oblivious about it?

“What were you going to tell me?” he asked, bringing you back to your question.

“I was about to ask about our alliance.” you finished, and he looked at you anticipatingly.

“Yes?”

“What would happen after this?” and the question comes out.

You already knew the answer to this since you had already talked about it with him. The advantage you’d have after it is his succession in making his own parents, the king, and queen, less nosy on him and going in your own peaceful ways. Though, you want to hear a different answer from him this time.

Despite everything already clear as day, you want to know what runs in his mind.

Where would this lead to?

Jeno thinks about it too.

Too hardly.

“How would you want things to happen?”

The question remains in the air and the music becomes less louder in your ears.

“I don’t want it to happen. I don’t want to wake up the next morning and be filled with other men asking for my hand.” you answered.

Oh.

Jeno remembered he said that. He thought about the moment he said that and soon came to regret when he suggested that as a situation that was sure to happen and not as a joke, not when you told him what you did at that moment.

“You?” you asked, almost like a plead, yearning to hear something different than what you were negatively thinking he would answer right now.

“Me too.”

His words remained ceaseless as they left right through him, the simple words underscored by the weight they carried. The dance continues, and your mind is racing, your heart thumping loudly as if to break through your chest.

Was it really possible that Jeno, the man you stumbled upon in such a bizarre way, felt the same wave of uncertainty about the future ahead of you as you did?

You studied his face as you slowly moved across the dance floor as the final segment came near. His expression remained calm and, when you hardly look, vulnerable.

As the music began to slow down, signaling the end of the dance, Jeno’s grip on your hand tightened slightly, as if he too, was reluctant for this moment to end. The quartet played the final notes, and you both came to a gentle stop, facing each other; the contact pulled away for the final bow. Applause erupted around you, but it felt distant.

After bowing, the both of you hesitantly leave the dance floor but this time, Jeno wasn’t the slightest nervous about the eyes that still remained on the two of you. Rather, he felt more clear about his thoughts and what he wanted more than what he desired in his life.

“Lady Y/N.” Jeno began, his voice low and earnest. “I do not wish to make you feel more uncertain for what is ahead of us after this alliance we made.”

Your heart skips a beat. “I do not understand, my lord.”

“If the morning comes tomorrow and you are filled with letters that ask for your presence, do not read anything that doesn’t have the mark of my family’s crest. The answer to your question you asked me when I told you about the alliance,” he paused as he smiled softly. “I hope that you are certain to choose me, my lady, as I am certain to pursue you in the future and the moment that we step out of this dance floor.”

The sincerity that spoke through his eyes was unmistakable, and you felt relieved and exhilarated. Your anxieties all vanish away in the face of his answers.

“Looks like I would only be expecting one person’s letter tomorrow.” you smiled at him and chuckled, looking at the ground as you felt timid before him.

The quartet plays another yet song, and the both of you are startled by the sudden start of instruments playing, making you look at each other and burst into laughter.

Jeno holds out his hand at you, and you tilt your head in confusion.

“What is it, Your Highness?” he snickered at the way you addressed him, the lining of his eyes prominent into a crescent shape.

“The imperial court should consider banning that smile. You’re too captivating.” This time, you let your intrusive thoughts reign, and you and Jeno laugh at your absurdity.

“Lady Y/N?” he asked, still holding out his hand and you hummed in response.

“May I have this dance?”

“Yes,” you accepted his hand. “Yes, Your Highness.”

taglist : @g4minelvr @thebubsz @fxckingshame @nosungluv @ajaaaaayyyyy @keemburley @firydust @crustipicklez-blog @daegalismybiasinnct @kunkunlele @minkyuncutie @jenosbiceps

© written by CUPOFWYN . 2024

[m1ssunderstanding]

Understanding Lennon McCartney Rewatch Part 3.2

The thing is Paul just physically can't say what he feels. It's just an impossibility for him. So if he says reading a negative article about himself “doesn't help” or “it's not good” but it “doesn't get home” I just assume he means ‘It hurts, but I can't think about that too hard or I'll go into a self-hate suicidal spiral again’. 

I always love how Paul says Linda. “Linder is er, nature mad.” 

She!!

Hearing Paul talk about watching Mary be born makes me wonder if John was there with Sean? Also I wonder if Linda would talk about the experience so glowingly. Probably. She's tough as nails. I had a lovely experience, personally, after the epidural lol

“Dear friend . . . I'm in love with a friend of mine.” This is such a strange and beautiful song. It's a man who has to apologize to his friend for falling in love with someone else. At least, that's my interpretation. What's everyone else's?

I understand why he's so closed off. I do. But when John is going off every five seconds, we're missing half the picture here and it's turning out warped. They really are such a good study of attachment honestly.

“Nothing will ever break the love we have for each other.” White-knuckling my way through this section with this quote clenched in my fist.

Yoko, talking about John fighting with Paul: any couple will go from swearing to kissing and it's like that. What favors are you doing yourself here, babe? Maybe John's the PR mastermind between the two of them.

I find John's comparison of working with his romantic partner to being ambidextrous very confusing. Does he mean just doing two things at once?

“If I can't have a fight with my best friend, I don't know who I can have a fight with.” -- Intro slutty gender-fluid Wings Paul my beloved -- “Tell me why, why, why do you treat me so bad? So bad? When you're the best friend a man ever had?” I heard on some podcast somewhere. Someone was going on about how forward-thinking the Beatles were to refer to the women in their songs as “friends”. And I was like, nununununu do not give them that credit.

This is just soooo. In this era? 90 minutes in the middle of a recording session?

John: Sorry, my estranged fiance is calling, gotta take a break. Guitarist: again? Drummer: how estranged can they be if they call every three minutes? Yoko: should we just record the other parts or . . . John: (receiver cradled to his cheek, lovesick grin on his face) Hey, how was Heather's school program? Haha, yeah, I bet she was.

Okay, so you've made up with Paul and now you're done being homophobic? *Cardi b voice* well that's suspicious. 

The fact that John's asking Paul to play on stage with him in 1972?? Ugh! If it was just about legalities and money and shit I would be genuinely so pissed at Paul for not going. If only because Come Together sounds incredibly lame without his bass and piano. But also for the obvious fix-it reasons. I have to remind myself of how truly awful Klein was. By being the only one to stand firm against him, Paul actually ended up saving them all from a lot of trouble. But gosh would this have been good!

Things normal people say, for sure, for sure.

Okay in my head it went like this. John calls George and bitches about what an egomaniac Paul is because he won't do anything with him as long as Klein is involved. George gets off the phone and calls Ringo and they make a bet as to how long it is until John decides they should get rid of Klein. 

“Where's your audience, Paul?” “In the theater, Dave.” As he should. The cuntiness is unparalleled. Yeah, maybe people like to see a family friendly eclectic magic pixie sexy hard rock floor show? Ever thought about that, Dave?

Anyway, he seems genuinely pissed when the interviewer even mentions the other Beatles and he refuses to even admit he still talks to any of them. Why? 

John's just so benevolent and selfless. He's completely straight, of course, but he's always offering to do gay shit. You know. To be nice. 

I forget that not only was May their literal employee, but she was ten years younger on top of that. And yet, she managed to do so much good in that relationship. I have so much respect for her. 

There's obviously a lot going on behind the scenes that they don't say in interviews. Duh. But I wonder what it is that caused Paul to be so open and happy in this interview where he's asked about the other Beatles compared to before. I wonder if he and John had a really lovely talk, or if he's heard a demo of “I know, I know.” Or maybe it's just he's so reassured that they've got rid of Klein that he feels safe acting open to a reunion on record. Who knows, Yoko. 

So so smart to pair “In My Life” handwritten lyrics with the matching lyrics of “I know I know” playing at the same time. I forget about that connection (“I love you more”) because it's so overshadowed by the “than yesterday” right after. I seriously wonder if John thought he was being so obvious with this one the way he was with HDYS and half hoped people would ask him if it was about Paul and he could make up for the whole thing. Because it's just so heavy-handed. It's beautiful. I love it. I'm sure Paul loved it. But yeah. John's just beating us over the head with the references here. 

I also wonder (very tentatively!!!) if Paul was maybe a bit more emotionally vulnerable with John than we usually think. I would never think this except for the “you know I nearly broke down and cried” “I'm sorry that I made you cry” and “no more crying!” I don't know. What do we think? 

His little baby smirk. It's so silly and cute. He's being very positive about getting back together, and the interviewer asks if John would initiate that. Just a very coy, “a, well, I couldn't say.” I wonder if at that point if he'd said on live tv that he wanted to get together again if it would've happened. Seems like it might have, but I understand him being scared. 

Elton John taking pictures like a fan and John: I wanna impound all those photos till I get me green card. What a random idea for a commercial. I love it, obviously, it's hilarious. I wonder who thought of it. 

This doc is so good at implication. The smirk as “loving in the palm of my hand” plays. That's not a reference to hand jobs, is it? Certainly not talking to someone with beautiful hands?

Everyone go look up Nineteen Hundred Eighty Five on YouTube. The singing sex is something else, yeah, but I'm always so blown away by the piano part. The fact that he's self taught and doesn't read music and this man will go on to compose symphonies. 

[anistarrose]

taz balance one-shot recs!

I've been meaning to make this post for a while now, so here we are! The majority of these are from the past three years or so, because I love a fandom classic as much as anyone, but I particularly want to shine a light on some gems from after the peak of traffic in the fandom tags! There are of course also exceptions that are older, though.

Also, April 19th-21st are Just Leave a Comment Fest, so please show these authors some love!! They're all so deserving!

a recipe for home by @journalofimprobablethings: Taako tries to cook for the first time since Glamour Springs. When things go awry, Lucretia is there to lend a hand.

Gen (Taako & Lucretia), 3.5k. Early B.O.B. era hurt/comfort centered around cooking, with a delicious dollop of sentimentality and dramatic irony on top.

Seven Times Magnus Burnsides Gave Someone A Hug + One Time He Received One by @barry-j-blupjeans: Magnus wasn't really any good at— at words. He was more of an action man. Or, y'know, a "I'll take this hit so you don't have to" man. Talking to someone about their feelings was all kinds of weird, so usually he just left the space for someone else to talk. And, well... Magnus wasn't good at words. But there's a few different ways to get his support across.

Mostly gen with some Magnulia, 8.6k. You've all heard of the classic 5 Plus 1, but obviously Magnus deserves a 7 Plus 1! I don't know how to describe it without spoilers other than being full of incredibly sweet, gentle takes on so many fraught or bittersweet moments. Super underrated, do give it a read.

Embrace the Dark by @ceilingfan5: Bookstore coworkers Kravitz and Taako get more than they bargained for when Taako tries to use his powers to fix Kravitz's migraine. But it's okay--it's an excuse for them to spend time together until one of them can nut up and ask the other out.

Taakitz, 8.9k. Modern with Superpowers AU! Super sweet interactions between Kravitz and Taako, paired with lots of fun background worldbuilding. And, of course, a very special grilled cheese sandwich.

Break This Heavy Chain by Punka_Writes: In the immediate aftermath of Story and Song, Barry Bluejeans could really use a hug.

Blupjeans and misc. platonic interactions, 2.3k. The absolute epitome of comfort food in written form, with excellent Barry characterization (and of course, he does get that hug)!

birds of a feather steal sweaters together by @holdmecloser-gandydancer: When you're a big, burly guy it seems that your clothes just become free reign for all your friends. Normally Magnus is a reasonable guy, but everyone has their limits.

Gen (IPRE crew), 1.9k. Starblaster era fluff! Everyone is written absolutely delightfully, and every time I read it I snort out loud at least twice.

Security by @ceilingfan5: Barry has finally made it--his incredible scientific discovery has landed him a huge fortune...and a lot of problems. The only good thing that's come of it, honestly, has been his bodyguard, Lup. (And the science. That's good also.) He's just gotta stay normal about how nice it is to have someone like Lup around, and also not perish by way of press circuit, and everything will be fine.

Blupjeans, 6k. Modern with magic AU from Barry's POV, featuring equal parts anxiety and pining. Also, it's straight-up extremely funny.

Lonesome Dreams by @jerreeeeeee: Taako wakes up one morning from a nightmare, fast fading. There was a guy in glasses, and they were… somewhere high up? Something terrible happened, but he doesn’t remember. He wakes up in a wagon he’s never seen before, but it has his name on it. There’s tons of food inside, more than he’d be able to afford. And he’s alone. Thinking back to the last thing he remembers is difficult. College? No, he’d graduated. Top of his class, obviously, he remembers that. But what- what happened after? Where is Lup?

Gen (Taako & Lup), 10.2k. Everything starts out the same, except Taako remembers Lup, even if not how she went missing, and it's incredibly underrated and full of phenomenal characterization. I won't spoil how things shake out, but it's a great emotional ride and I genuinely reread it all the time.

it's my party and I'll mope if I want to by @holdmecloser-gandydancer: Taako's birthday is just another Thursday. A detective and an old friend have a different idea.

Gen (Taako & Lucretia & Angus), 2.1k. Short and so sweet! Fics about voidfished!Taako's birthday never get old, and this is one of my absolute favorites. Nailing the angst-to-wholesome ratio.

Tedious Familiarity by @barry-j-blupjeans: Déjà vu. Noun. A feeling of having already experienced the present situation. A tedious familiarity. Barry Bluejeans woke up in a cave, fresh out of a pod filled with green goop, and saddled with an unsettling feeling that he had been here before. If you had asked forty-year-old Barry if he would follow instructions left by a talking coin, he probably would have asked you what type of drugs you were on. But, y’know, fifty… two? Fifty-one? How old was he? Fifty-two sounded right. But, y’know, fifty-two years old Barry didn’t really have that many other places to turn, so this couldn't be all that bad.

Gen, 4.1k. Missing scenes based off Barry's decade alone, written in such an effective style, where all the little details truly make it. Mandatory reading for fellow Barry angst enjoyers.

Angus McDonald and the Wonderland Escape Rooms by coppersunshine: When Angus gets grounded from detecting, to keep his skills sharp he becomes a patron of the Wonderland Escape rooms, run by Edward and Lydia, who quickly decide he's their new nemesis. To their surprise, Angus and the collection of weird adults he's accompanied by decide otherwise.

Gen (Angus & Edward & Lydia), 7k. Modern with magic AU, putting Edward and Lydia in the absolute funniest possible job, at which a little boy detective torments... and maybe, even gives them a chance to turn over a new leaf. I am of the opinion that Angus and the Wonderland twins have a criminally underexplored dynamic, and this fic gave me everything I wanted.

If the Sun and Moon Should Doubt by Punka_Writes: Merle Highchurch, on the brink of a bad decision.

Gen, 1.6k. Merle character study immediately before running out on his marriage. Truly the incredible characterization that Merle deserves; this was a fic that really ignited my love for him.

Greensleeves by @sgrumby: Kravitz has never seen a lich like this before, and he's seen a lot of liches. Merle is just trying to save the universe, thanks very much.

Gen (Kravitz & Merle), 2.2k. A unique and also absolutely genius Lich!Merle AU where Kravitz inevitably comes after him, and Merle is... well, the Peacemaker, of course!

[euniexenoblade]

Ok so Apple released it's 100 Greatest Albums list a while ago and I scoffed at it, but after watching some youtubers whine about it in different ways, I realized I hadn't given it the fairest shake. I haven't listened to every album on it and a lot of stuff I have listened to I haven't listened to in a long while. So, I'm gonna listen to every album featured and decide how I feel about them. And for fun y'all get small quick reviews.

Starting off, here's part one of my reviews.

I decided to start with Adele's 21. Not for any special reason other than it seemed like it might be nice to listen to in the shower. Adele has a great, powerful voice, but the album has two song archetypes that just get repeated. The songs are mostly competent so individually they're fine, but together as an album they make a very boring experience. Also, I recognized Rumor Has It from a commercial or something, I fucking hate that song. Docked extra points for having that song. This album doesn't belong on the list at all to me, and even if we are throwing a bone to the modern 2010s-2020s artists, she definitely doesn't deserve number 15. A ridiculous placement.

I decided to take on Drake's Take Care and hey guys, does Drake make any other songs? Why do they all sound the same? Does he do anything other than sad boy shit? Of the three Drake releases I've now listened to, this one is easily the best one. I didn't hate the experience, for that Drake deserves some kudos. But, I don't think there's anyway to view Drake positively in 2024. Maybe in 2011 this seemed special, but in 2024 I can easily say that this does not deserve to be on this list, let alone at 47. Giving Drake a pity placement is fine, but not in the top 50.

I have never understood the love that Hotel California garners. Like, the song is good, but it's not earth shattering, and the rest of the album is pretty typical rock for the era. There is just so little content that I haven't got much to say, it's competent enough to not be laughably bad, but it's also so run of the mill there's no highlights. Picking it for a list like this is what I'd call a safe option, not a real option.

I'll be frank, I'm not very familiar with Robyn or Body Talk, so maybe I don't have context on how important this album was to the history of the genre or music at large. Though, to my ear, the album bounces between having wonderful dance pop tracks to having some really boring, repetitive tracks. Still, not the worst album here (not even the worst in this post), it's just hard for me to really gauge how deserving it is for this list.

Probably an album with an unfair advantage, I've been listening to RATM since I was a kid. My favorite Rage album is definitely The Battle of Las Angeles, but I'm not dumb enough to say that should be on the list. Still think Evil Empire had greater music and potentially greater reach than the self titled, but this being here isn't bad. Just a shame it's only at 97.

Did enjoy this a quite a bit. However, musically speaking it feels incredibly one note. This belongs in the top 100 albums ever? Did it really have that level of cultural inspiration? I'm not mad at it being included, not even mad it's at 96, but for it to be in a better spot than the self titled RATM album? Incredibly stupid.

Probably a dumb thing to say, but this is what I expected Drake's album to be like? Fun music and fun lyrics about being a sad boy, a lover boy, and being too playful with women. Honestly, the only reason it gets such low ratings is consistently Usher says shit like this

GET IT?! IT'S CONFESSION PART II, SO HE SAYS PART TWO OF MY CONFESSION!! SOOOO CLEVER come on man. Does it belong on the best 100 list? I don't know. Let someone else decide that.

I have no issue with either of this being on the list, being in the 90s, or any real thoughts to give. Burial isn't quite my vibe musically so I got nothing to say, and Solange is great so it's like. It's cool they're there, no thoughts.

I don't have an issue with George Michael being on this list, but this album? I vibe Faith far more.

Flower Boy by Tyler the Creator is absolutely one of my favorite albums. I'd have imagined that Apple would have chosen Igor, since it's the one people universally seem to adore, but I'm happy Flower Boy is getting love. Flower Boy is my favorite from Tyler and it has special meaning in my heart, so any praise the album can get.

Look, if you're picking AC/DC albums to put on a list, then this is probably the correct pick, but why would you put AC/DC on the top 100 Albums of all Time list? I don't even think they'd qualify for the Top 100 Hard Rock Albums from before the 2000s list! Is it cuz of the Iron Man soundtrack? It's gotta be right?

This is probably my most unpopular opinion: Lady Gaga is overrated as hell. I do not understand what people in 2009 saw in these songs and I still don't get it now. Maybe it belongs on this Top 100 Albums List cuz it had some kind of cultural impact, I mean her music was inescapable for a time. But, I don't get it, I wouldn't put it on my list, and Bad Romance is absolutely one of the most annoying pop songs the radio has ever played.

And, to conclude this long ass pointless post, I'll just jump ahead again to end this on an album I enjoy.

I don't get the weird revisionism that happens around Kid A. I do love it to death, but when it came out it was critically hated. It just feels like everyone treats this as the greatest triumph in music, when the only people that have heard it are Radiohead fans and the weird hipster that tries to act smarter than you in music. Oh well, it's Captain America's favorite album so I guess it works.

I guess more of the issue is Radiohead is one of like, three or four artists on this list that gets more than one spot. Why waste a spot on Kid A at 33 when you have Ok Computer at 12, let some other unnamed artist be on the list instead.

Neither Kid A or OK Computer are my favorite Radiohead albums, but hey, I like Kid A. It's one of four albums I listen to when trying to fall asleep at night, so it's nice to see mentioned I guess.

[seaofreverie]

Sparkstember Day 7: Introducing Sparks (Those Mysteries)

The big nagging question that appeared in my mind right after having my first listen of this album, earlier this year on a particularly beautiful and sunny spring day, was "so THIS is one of the weak ones???". Because seriously, this album has it all: the Sparks spirit on full display, the humour, the FUN, the lyrical wit, incredibly catchy melodies, fun and lush instrumentation... It even feels like a bit of a return to the glam era, even if in a slightly different form.

I want to get to the bottom of what makes the humour on this album work especially... I think it's truly one of its strongest sides. There's a bunch of other albums to come later that could also be considered some of the more comedic ones, and I think it's always a pretty similar element connecting it all... What is it? Well, it must just be... one of Those Mysteries. But ok, let's at least give this a try.

Lots of elements here are quite, let's call it, cheesy on surface: the seriousness with which all the different Occupations are treated, the "aAaAAAA" backup vocals on Ladies, the bridge (and, honestly, everything else too) of Forever Young, the high stakes of Goofing Off, the melodrama of Those Mysteries... Maybe it's the knowledge that it's Sparks that lets one see past this "facade". Maybe someone uninitiated could think that this is all just played straight. Or would it become too obvious for anyone to be fooled by the time we get to Goofing Off? And is there anything to be fooled about anyways...?

Because yeah, these songs are funny and poke fun at things, but without veering into actual parody teritory. I've been thinking about a very similar thing with They Might Be Giants, who also use a lot of humour in their music but are NOT a comedic / parody act (...despite seemingly every music reviewer being convinced of the opposite). Maybe it's the devotion and respect with which they both treat their art and audiences: the subject matter might be funny, but that doesn't mean that what they do can be condensed to just some joke (which is, again, lost on some reviewers). So, well, there's definitely a lot more to get into in regards to this topic and more opportunities to do that soon with later albums, so, stay tuned, maybe?

Favourite songs (and other highlights):

They're all so good... And this is yet another Sparks album that I think just flows super well and all the songs make a magnificent whole. But still, here are some personal highlights.

Occupation: literally one of the catchiest songs in existence, it tormented me for days if not weeks on end back in the day. The flow of "You need an-ah, You need an-ah, You need an Occupation" is incredibly good

Ladies: like I described earlier... it's just so funny

I'm Not: beaten by maybe one other song for the spot of THE #1 song that I was unable to stop listening to over and over right after hearing the album it's from

Goofing Off: ok, THIS one's the funniest. And the guitar solo has no right to go as hard as it does

Girls On The Brain: Ron writes about a brother who's "kinda thick" and hands the song to his brother to sing. Ok!!

Those Mysteries: only Sparks could make a song as solemn and sentimental sounding as this that I'm actually a huge fan of

[pardonmydelays]

clancy tour (watching a livestream) essay 🙏

anon, this question made me so unbelievably happy omg. i just can't get around to the eras tour essay, however, i do feel the need to write, so we're doing this instead.

for the context: i woke up at 5:30 today to watch the livestream of clancy LA show. no, i wasn't there in person. but mentally i was.

please, listen to this incredible playlist while you read my essay (no one's gonna read, it mark my words):

i have decided we will just go through the entire setlist. i don't want to make this too long but i wanna talk about EVERY. SINGLE. SONG. let's fucking go.

OVERCOMPENSATE

so this is when i started crying. who the fuck cries on overcompensate, you would ask... well, me, apparently. i honestly think this is the best opener for both, an album and a show. this song gives me so much serotonin i can't even explain it. i'm always worried about tyler tho because his entrance looks dangerous (the jump, the jump, I AM TALKING ABOUT THE JUMP!). nothing bad happened tho, thankfully. i also noticed he was wearing the other version of clancy jacket today, the one with the hood. not that it's important, but it kinda is. for me at least.

HOLDING ON TO YOU

ok, so if you know me you probably know this is my ultimate favourite twenty one pilots song. and the live performance is even better with the crowd stand at the beginning (i swear to god, it's so incredible to me how much trust tyler has for the clique), clancy mask and lightbulb mic (you can tell tyler has a lot of fun with it), and my favourite part - josh's piano backflip during the bridge of the song. fucking iconic. what's not to love.

VIGNETTE

first thing i want to talk about is the insane transition from holding on to you to vignette. honestly, all transitions are so fucking amazing on clancy tour, it's impressive. now, tyler's little dance during this song is one of the most adorable things i've ever seen (he is such a cat omg) and and and! NEIL BANGING OUT THE TUNES!!! i'll be honest with you, because of this part vignette became one of my favourite songs from clancy and definitely one of my faves from this tour.

CAR RADIO

another one of my favourites. car radio will always hold a very special place in my heart, it's so relatable to me. it makes me so happy that we have a chance to see it being performed in clancy costume (and clancy mask!!!). and when tyler teleports at the end! (also i think he's wearing a totally different jacket in this clip which probably means he has three different clancy jackets, i have no proof tho so i'm just gonna shut up. the video is from LA night one tho. not my show). here's another clip, you can see how he teleported here.

THE JUDGE

ok, so for those who don't know, right before every show the fans in their incredible outfits are being filmed while singing the judge together and every night they show a different video of them singing first verse + chorus and then after that tyler comes out with his ukulele to finish the song. it makes me cry for no reason at all. yes, i cried today too (it just makes me so happy to see all the clikkies singing together and they all look so beautiful always). so what happened today? content warning glitch happened during fan video, you can watch it here, then blurryface tweeted this:

i am losing my goddamn mind over this, people on the livestream were losing their shit when this happened, I STARTED CRYING LIKE A GODDAMN FOOL BECAUSE I'M SO FUCKING EMOTIONAL ABOUT EVERYTHING THIS BAND IS DOING. ugh. i was so right to watch today's livestream. something's gonna happen soon guys. they are warning us.

(i added CUT MY LIP to the playlist but technically it's the judge/cut my lip mashup so there's really not much to say about it)

THE CRAVING + TEAR IN MY HEART

the transition. the goddamn transition!!! it's honestly so fucking cool and probably one of my favourite parts of the tour. i absolutely love all jenna's songs and everyone who says they should not be on the setlist, fuck you forever. in this house we stan all jenna's songs. i usually cry on the craving and tyler is being so silly during tear in my heart - this is my favourite thing in the world. plus, do you really hate the sound of ukulele???

BACKSLIDE

ok, i actually started crying as soon as i realized we're singing backslide now. i love this song so goddamn much, it means the world to me. at one point it was my favourite song from clancy. the chorus breaks my poor little heart every single time and live performance of this song is so emotional... especially at the end when tyler is on his knees (the video is not from tonight's show but it's my favourite one from backslide, please watch it, his vocals here are INSANE). it's like crying for help. i wanna kill myself now. i relate to this song so much. also, backslide is the reason i decided to buy clancy tour tickets, so there's that.

SHY AWAY

oh, thank god this one is on the setlist. you know how much i love scaled and icy and i think out of all the songs from this album shy away is the best one to put on the setlist because the live performance is always so fun!!! don't you shy aWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! the scream is absolutely fucking everything oh my god. actually, i just love when tyler screams. but don't we all.

HEATHENS + NEXT SEMESTER

ok, now don't hate me, please, but i was never the biggest fan of heathens (i don't hate the song, i like it, just not as much as the others. i probably wouldn't cry if it wasn't on the setlist). however, the transition (again!!!) from heathens to next semester is the best goddamn thing in the entire world and i am losing my mind every single time i come across any clip of this moment. please, watch it, this is everything!!! one question tho: i know tyler was playing bass on the platform for next semester and he didn't do that today, did he just stop doing this recently or is it because of what happened yesterday during the show? (not during this song tho, or at least i know nothing about it, but it seems like LA fans absolutely cannot behave and he was definitely being more careful today, more about it later tho).

ROUTINES IN THE NIGHT

oh boy, this is my vigilante shit for real. remember vigilante shit performance from the eras tour and how everyone was losing their shit when they saw taylor doing the choreography with this motherfucking chair? yes. it's basically that except tyler is fully dressed. which is even worse maybe (y'all know how i feel about his clothes for some reason). one of my favourite songs from the album, but after seeing the live performance for the first time i became absolutely obsessed with the song. i was genuinely scared today because this is basically what happened last night in LA (i swear to god people are acting like fucking animals) and i noticed that tyler was being much more careful this time: he wasn't coming so close to people, and honestly good for him. he didn't even let them touch him during this part. i can't blame him. i feel so bad for what happened. hope he's ok.

ADDICT WITH A PEN + MIGRAINE + FOREST + FALL AWAY

my favourite mashup in the entire fucking world. but before we get into it, please this is so fucking funny and adorable. so basically, before playing the mashup, tyler sat by the piano and he said "currently i'm temperature hot. so i would want to take my jacket off, i promise not to turn on all the dads tonight" and then this happened. poor guy didn't know what to do LMAO. he's such a cutie, please watch the video, he's so adorable i can't. he's also the funniest person on earth. back to the topic, the mashup... i am such a slut for their old songs and this mashup is absolutely fucking insane. the song i love the most out of those is, of course, forest. according to tyler, this song is so old it basically doesn't exist. fuck you, tyler joseph. i can't believe i'm going to hear it live tho, holy shit. i will be fucking SOBBING during this part, i just know that.

MULBERRY STREET

this is such a fun song to play live and one of my favourite moments. you can tell how much fun tyler has each time they play it, also this! this is everything!!! he's always so happy when this happens, he trained us well hahaha. it's so fun omg. can't wait to be a part of it. this has always been one of my favourite songs from scaled and icy so i'm glad they decided to keep it on the setlist.

NAVIGATING

get in, losers. we are entering the lore now. ok, honestly, this part of the tour is absolutely everything to me. torchbearer with his torch? and clancy jacket?? coming to pick him up so they can perform while dema is burning??? AAAAAAAAAAAAAA. oh my GODD. also, navigating is so special to me (i picked this url for a reason) and live performance of this song is fucking fire. watch it. watch the clip. just watch the goddamn clip, will you? we all know this song is on the setlist because of josh, so everybody say thank you josh. also you can tell tyler is very emotional about this song and i just wanna give him a hug. oh my god. i can't wait to hear it live. this will fix me (it will probably make me worse).

NICO AND THE NINERS + HEAVYDIRTYSOUL

the MOTHERFUCKING transition!!! i know i say this a lot but i am such a slut for all the transitions on this tour, oh my god. they are so good. also i absolutely fucking love how we're still in the lore and also, the visuals are absolutely incredible, and also, nico and the niners is one of my favourite songs (the one that got me into their music actually) and also heavydirtysoul live is INSANE and also-

MY BLOOD

ok, i'm sorry, i keep forgetting that this song is on the setlist. it's not one of my favourites (don't fucking hate me, i like it, it's just not my fave). i will be very much singing it at the concert tho cause it's so good live. not much to say about it tho.

OLDIES STATION

boy, here we go. so i started crying at the very beginning of the song and honestly i have no idea how i'm going to handle this live. i am so very normal about this song. it means everything to me. the worst part of it tho was when during the song tyler said "thank you so much for using our music. you've saved us in ways you'll never know". OH MY GOD. i started weeping even more. it's like... their music saved US but we also saved THEM and i need 3-5 business days to recover after that. good lord. listen, i love slowtown and i'm sad that it's not part of the setlist anymore, but i love oldies station a hundred times more and that was a good change me thinks.

FAKE YOU OUT + GUNS FOR HANDS

putting those two together just because i can and i will. vessel is such a great album and it makes me so happy that those two are on the setlist. screaming "our brains are sick but that's okay" with the entire arena is going to fix me, for sure. also, here's the clip of tyler messing up the lyrics (he basically went kjbufbfkkjejkebfkjk after that lmao). can't blame him. the rap part is so fast. i died tho. he's so funny, please.

LAVISH

i can't even begin to explain how happy i am to have this one on the setlist. it's the funniest moment on tour and i love watching them being stupid on stage. also, jOsH iS sHiRtLeSs. the walk, THE WALK LMAO. the best choreography you've ever seen. i just love seeing them so silly and happy and this is everything. i paid a lot of money to see this live. i'm definitely not gonna regret this.

RIDE

so the thing i love about this tour is that every single night while performing this song tyler brings a different kid to sing the chorus with him (it's the equivalent of giving the hat during 22 on the eras tour i would say). tonight we had an adorable girl named callie (if i'm correct). she did so well! also i was giggling so much when tyler said she's cute (he was giggling too hdshfbhekj). i just love watching him with kids, it's so sweet!!! also she had a great beanie with band's logo, i want one too. please watch the clip of them singing together!

PALADIN STRAIT

i was crying. i was crying so much, i love this song and the live performance is so emotional. i put the song bandito on the playlist, because there's this moment in the song where tyler is singing the bridge of paladin strait and josh is singing bandito at the same time and OH MY GOD. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS FOR THE LORE??? THIS IS SO CLEVER AND I AM LOSING MY GODDAMN MIND EVERY SINGLE TIME I THINK ABOUT IT. please, watch. this is sick as fuck. you don't understand. do you even understand? OR AM I THE ONLY ONE I KNOW???? i'm sorry i just can't i can't i am defeated i am absolutely insane about this part. also, the ending when they are showing the clip of paladin strait music video combined with other clips which looks like a flashback from clancy's life and his never ending battle with nico? the fuck??? and then we go straight to...

JUMPSUIT

the motherfucking coat. not gonna say anything else. just. the coat. oh dear lord. now i am temperature hot.

MIDWEST INDIGO

now my favourite part of midwest indigo is tyler taking off his coat very slowly. because he fucking knows what he's doing. but also, this song is so special to me. i know he wrote it as a love letter to ohio and i'm not even american but somehow this song always makes me think about my hometown. the live performance is so great. the beginning with the bass! he's adorable!

STRESSED OUT

"i don't want stressed out on the setlist it's so overplayed" kill yourself. i love stressed out because i have good taste. it's fun. it's a great song with great lyrics and you fuckers hate it only because it's popular. just shut up. shut the fuck up. in this house we actually enjoy listening to good songs. i personally want it to be on every setlist. if stressed out has no fans it means i killed myself. i'm dead. i'm gone. stressed out defender forever and always. also clancy tour version is incredible. just watch it and shut the fuck up.

TREES

again, i was so scared about my boys because of what happened yesterday in LA. people are fucking animals. i'm so glad, because tyler actually decided to call them out for this and seems like it was much better today. but still. guys please, behave, cause if you're not gonna start acting responsible they are going to stop performing like this. it's still insane compared to the opening night of clancy tour where people didn't even come closer until tyler told them to. i also just noticed now that tyler's t-shirt had black font today (the previous one had red font) for the first time. i think i was just too tired to notice this before. there's not much i can tell you about trees, because you just simply have to be there to understand. it's a perfect song to end the show (for those who don't know: they always close their shows with this one), it's something i experienced live once before and i can't even compare it to anything. i wasn't even crying. my soul literally just left my body. trust me, there's absolutely nothing like trees live. i can show you thousands of clips and it will never be enough. nobody does it like them. seriously. this is the moment. the moment of all moments. i am in fact crying now...

TO SUM IT UP:

great show. 10/10. would recommend. i'm going to see them live in 223 days. this is the thing that makes me want to stay alive. yes. i need to stay alive for this. whoever sent me this ask, thank you. it means the world to me. i need to talk about them because it's the only joy in my life now. they are the reason i want to push on through. also, if you made it this far, thank you. i love you. and i'm sorry.

[goongiveusnothing]

I was sorta still a fan during the beginning of the last tour and so I was still watching some livestreams and looking at the hsdlot updates. Every day me and my mutuals would get excited to see what he would wear and what’d he’d say during his talking break lol. But as time went on he just kept wearing the same uggo outfits and saying the same shit about “edging” and the “choke her” line plus that ugly stomping dance etc etc the same repetitive things that he knew would get a rise out of the audience. Honestly I think every harrie felt how I felt at that point, nothing was new or exciting anymore and it started feeling pointless to keep watching clips from the shows. By the second year of the tour I honestly had no idea was going on at his concerts and didn’t even know he had new band members much less who they were. He always just finds something that gets the fans excited and does it over and over but what he doesn’t realize is the reason it gets them excited is because it’s a new crumb he feeds them after starving them for so long💀Once you do it too many times the novelty wears off. He’s not gonna be able to get by in this new era of fun and authenticity and he can’t backtrack either because he already made his bed. His peak is so over lol.

this is how i see his fans acting and talking.

notice that nobody even mentions pleasing anymore? i never even see normies on other sites reviewing the brand anymore, that's how far it's fallen. people still review kylie's brands and they're all flops. nobody even knows or cares harry's stuff exists, not even his own fans!

i think fans get caught into a hype cycle where they believe he's incredible, so funny, interesting, talented. they share all the same clips and stories hyping him up. so they want everything about him they can get. when the tour comes out they want all of it. they need all the updates, the livestreams, the stories, the outfits, the angles, the one liners. they want secret easter egg sentences they can decode. they want to see his girlfriends or not see them.

and that's why olivia also helped with his tour, because fans loved to hate watch her there. hating her there was part of their entertainment. reporting she wasn't there was part of the fun.

but when you actually pay attention to him... you realize he's fucking boring! he's not talented! the show does nothing! he's not creative! he gives zero energy! he repeats all the same old jokes! he's not really flirting with men! he's not secretly gay or trans! he does seem to really love israelis! he stays away from palestinians! he does the same old shit again and again! the outfits are all fucking boring! he wears one outfit per night. the same fucking songs over and over. his friend group are all the same scum of the earth people.

so fans start ignoring some livestreams or concerts or stories about him. then it's only a few times a week they check in. then casually. then they're making jokes about him too, pretending it's just fun. then he breaks up with a girl and they lose interest because the girlfriend was part of the interest and you can't even hate on her anymore. then he stops touring and does nothing. absolutely fucking nothing. and you just stop caring and move on entirely and look back at it and be honest with yourself that most of the time you were bored out of your mind, desperate for more, more real talent, presence, activism, engagement. and you don't even miss him anymore.

[7grandmel]

Rip of the week: 24/06/2024

YO-Kai Direction

Season 7 Featured on: Now That's What I Call Quality! 3

Ripped by DonnieTheGuy

Y'know, funny story: a part of me genuinely thought I'd made this post already, and I had to double-check my posting archive three times over just to make sure. Because for as much Season 7 glazing as I've done on here, YO-Kai Direction is the kind of rip that absolutely deserves that love, as such a perfect rip from one of SiIva's most surprise breakout events in recent memory. Hell, last time I was covering the event in question, this rip only barely lost out from being covered instead of Beautiful Dreamer - but, in earnest, I believe two legends should indeed be able to coexist.

I've learned a lot from running this blog, but one of the biggest breakout surprises to me was learning just how incredible of a ripper DonnieTheGuy truly is. He joined the team around when I was paying less attention to the channel in general, and didn't exactly have a loud internet personality for me to learn of otherwise - yet rip by rip, from the blog's very first in Running Through Cookie Country to later-covered examples like Epic Rap Battles of History: Funny vs. Funnier and Remember when this song was the one related to toilets?, I began realizing just how powerful the guy is. A master chef that works in the background, even working to provide tons of assets to help people get into ripping themselves, sharing samples, samples and much more. But even if I wasn't aware of all that, even if I wasn't aware of just how much of a menace he is even off of SiIva when it comes to Twitter shitposts (the Digital Circuit edit trend where he made like 20+ edits on his own for instance), YO-Kai Direction would've likely convinced me on its own of DonnieTheGuy's prestige.

I recall saying to myself back when I wrote Beautiful Dreamer that one of the reasons that I picked it over YO-Kai Direction was just due to how much I'd already featured YO-KAI Disco, and Yousuke Yasui's music in general, on here. 【＝３】e-MUNO Disco (vs. 音MAD AGENT) was effectively the rip that made me INVESTED invested in the art of high quality ripping, WA-HOO DISCO shows just how much Super Mario 64's sound can and has been pushed by the SiIva team, Siiva Lining just outright slaps - you get it. But we're now in the golden age of ripping quality, where it feels as if every rip made is touched by some benevolent gods ensuring that it does WAY more than it necessarily needs to in order for its proposed joke to work. Because like, YO-Kai Direction is an incredibly simple premise on the surface, mashing up the all-too-known YO-KAI Disco with What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction as part of the One Direction event. Back in, say, Season 1, that would've been the end of it, but there's so many small touches added by DonnieTheGuy that shows just how invested he was in utilizing One Direction's sound to the fullest.

And honestly, when the One Direction event began, I was initially a bit disappointed, as it took the place of the channel's annual "9/11 event", which had previously given us incredibly bait-and-switch events like what brought us SUNGORE in 2020. Initially I figured that I had no stake or familiarity with One Direction and so the event was completely out of my wheelhouse...but not only was I SURPRISINGLY familiar with What Makes You Beautiful in particular, I also had no clue that the team was so excited and ready to start using it. It gave me flashbacks to Season 6's Big Time Rush event which brought us Famous Surprise, only with even more people firing on all cylinders for it. Because again - in many other eras, YO-Kai Direction would've just been a mere mashup, but DonnieTheGuy goes the extra length to pitch-shift it all to something absolutely heavenly.

Without ever leaving that original pitch for the rip, YO-Kai Direction masters the art of escalation in a way that's so well done, it's hard to even notice with how well it fits in. It begins as a seemingly normal mashup with a slightly increased BPM speed of YO-KAI Disco being used as to match the One Direction song, but then at the second go around at the verse's melody it becomes more YTPMV-esque, editing soundbytes from What Makes You Beautiful into the melody of the source track, as if to communicate the two tracks merging - "You're insecure, but you walk-walk through the do-o-or!" is pulled off with just a slight stutter and pitch-shifting that's immediately noticeable if you're paying attention to it, yet fits so well as to initially sound just like an extension of the initial mashup. This then carries on into the bridge, before finally exploding in the chorus - wherein every part of One Direction's vocals are pitch-shifted to amazing effect. It's hard to put into word without repeating myself just how well done this build-up is, but the end result is obvious - a genuinely amazing listen.

All the while, slight elements of What Makes You Beautiful's instrumentation seem to be sprinkled into the rip, sounding almost as if they had just been dug out of the mix of the original YO-KAI Disco. That's the theme of the whole rip, and to be clear - ABSOLUTELY not meant as a negative. The way in which DonnieTheGuy managed to make YO-Kai Direction sound almost as if it was a natural collaboration between One Direction and Yousuke Yasui is actually insane, yet it still subtly honors the traditions of what makes the greatest SiIvaGunner rips as good as they are. I won't sugarcoat it - on many days, humming YO-KAI Disco in public, THIS is the version I'm humming.

[quantumshade]

🔥favorite and least favorite doctor who episodes (if you can choose at all lol)

OUGH this is hard... can i do top five and bottom five maybe

bottom five:

let's kill h*tler. do i need to explain this one? i don't think i need to explain this one

spyfall part 2. i don't think i need to explain this one either.

girl in the fireplace. i know that's the one my pfp is from. rose is just so pretty in it. anyway. it's a poorly written episode that gets way too much praise, not to mention just how painfully ooc everyone is. you can really feel how much moffat hates rose in that one. and also it feels so gross when you think about how the real madame de pompadour was groomed from age 6 to be a king's consort and basically allowed no agency in her life whatsoever, coupled with moffat's weird obsession with "someone meets the doctor as a little kid and grows up to be obsessed with him" is so painfully... icky.

kill the moon. outside of being an awful episode with a weirdly anti abortion message, it's the episode that made SO MANY PEOPLE give up on my baby girl twelve. if you stopped watching twelve because of that episode i'm begging you on my knees to give him another shot his era is so so good other than a couple stinkers.

legend of the sea devils. i cannot even begin to express my sheer hatred for this episode. everything about it sucks so so bad and i'm beating it with hammers in my mind 24/7. it's just everything i hate about the chibnall era coalesced into one steaming pile of dogshit.

top five:

heaven sent. sorry to be basic but. heaven sent. i love it so much it's so perfect. and reading it through a classics lens makes it even better. i'm planning on doing the capstone for my degree (partly) on this episode as a modern representation of katabasis. the acting, the music, rachel talalay's directing, g-d. it's so good.

dalek. honestly every single one of nine's episodes fuck so hard and i don't dislike a single one of them. but eccleston really acted his ass off in this one and it's such a wonderful exploration of the doctor's time war trauma. it's the only episode that manages to make daleks scary. rose is amazing in it. "it's not the one pointing a gun at me" and "and what about you, doctor? what the hell are you changing into?" "oh rose. they're all dead" OUGHHHH. the ending hits so fucking hard.

mummy on the orient express. i think i'm legally obligated to put this one on my top five because i have watched it nearly a dozen times this year alone. it's such a good episode. great monster. clara and the doctor both get to be incredibly bisexual. it's the one episode of doctor who in which the phrase "sex machine" exists. what more could you possibly ask for.

the christmas invasion. it's sooooo good it's so good. it's tied with the husbands of river song as my favorite christmas special, but it's higher on my list of Overall Episodes. if that makes sense. again rose is incredible in it. david tennant makes the entrance of all time. they're so in love and so fucking stupid about it. song for ten... well i woke up today... and the world was a restless plaaaace.... it could have been that way for me........

the pilot. bill is gorgeous and perfect and wonderful. twelve being a wacky professor was the best choice anyone has ever made. it's like a crash course in doctor who but also a fun and well made episode with absolutely gorgeous music. i love it i love it i love it. murray gold put the s10 soundtrack on spotify right now.

it's so hard limiting myself to just five... i'm sure i'll think of an episode tomorrow and be like DAMN that should have been on the list... but that's okay <3

[dearweirdme]

Honestly these feelings must be heightened for a lot of Tkkrs because they’ve just come out of an intense two weeks only to be thrown into another solo project so soon and one that is being promoted in a completely different manner by the company. It’s easy to put the blame on JK because you think it’s unfair, but all in all, despite the sabotage of sales and delayed orders and deleted streams/views etc, Layover has been a very wholesome era. Taehyung’s achieved so much and most importantly he’s looked incredibly happy.

Don’t take what Tae and JK solos are saying as an excuse to project your retaliations onto TK themselves.

I think it’d be good to step back if you’re feeling overwhelmed/negative. There’s a plan in place and reasons for why things are being rushed. I imagine October will have other member’s projects too not just JK’s.

As for “public support” let’s sit down and actually take a look at what’s been done:

- JK’s mentioned he heard Layover first, and that the tracks are good.

- Tae’s mentioned he asked to study SD with JK, and ended up recording it at JK’s place with his guide. He’s also mentioned that JK engaged in discussions with him throughout the process. Tae put down Seven in his Spotify bingo. And as we previously saw, Tae surprised JK by dancing to Seven on stage and JK expressed how thankful he was for that.

- Namjoon, Hobi and Jimin posted SD on Layover’s release day. So did Wooga squad, though they captioned it with little messages too. Wooga have also been vlogging with his songs. Taehyung has also shown support for Hyungsik via a recorded message for his fanmeet, and irl for Peakboy at the Noice event.

- Namjoon mentioned LMA’s mv in passing, as well as saying SD is his favorite track. This was in direct response to weverse live comments.

- Tae mentioned Hobi listened to the album before (I personally think this was before he enlisted and at JK’s)

- Jimin showed up publicly to support Tae’s live show, but not for the entire show.

- Yoongi’s said he didn’t want to steal the spotlight from Tae.

Now, looking at this list I personally think that it was Tae’s Crew, and Wooga squad who publicly expressed the most support. Tae’s Crew especially have written heartfelt messages on their experiences and Tae’s stylist has been updating every achievement of Tae in his IG.

Am I saying that BTS’ public displays of support weren’t genuine? No, I just think it be quite mild and assume more was said privately/in their GC. We know Tae did the same for Hobi and other member’s too. Not everything has to be shown online. Just because they’re not telling us they’re keeping up to date doesn’t mean they’re not. JK definitely watched Tae’s Smoke Dance, even if he didn’t comment on it.

As for JK, I personally think he’s been focusing on himself these weeks. He’s busy and he’s only going to get busier. His recent live was very short and was meant to be a catch up after performing. He spoke to Jin for most of it anyway. His Tiktok dances have been for hyping up what I assume will be 3D promo on there, since there’s been rumors that Tiktoker Addison Rae is involved in the MV.

I urge the Tkkrs who are feeling conflicted to take a look at TK’s schedules and see how they aren’t overlapping but follow right after. See how they have some similarities and a hint of the other in them. I think they’ve talked a lot about what the other will be doing.

Hi anon!

Yes to this! And especially to Layover promo having been so wholesome. I’ve loved Tae’s content so much. I feel his heart was in it and he seemed so happy 🥰.

[melodyburst]

Is there any kind of hype from you for Phineas and Ferb season 5? I just finished a rewatch and it still holds up, but those last 3 episodes really really feel "final", so I don't know. Also, I remember some of your posts about Jeremy and NFT Monkey Man and they are 100% the truth. I honestly skipped the scenes with seth green. They add nothing.

Phineas and Ferb is one of my favorite shows. When it ended I said "Maybe not all shows should be self-contained. Maybe some shows SHOULD last forever and keep getting seasons for decades."

But Futurama came back and I didn't watch. King of the Hill is coming back and I won't watch. Streaming services are bringing shows back from the dead that maybe shouldn't be and giving them less funding because the rules in place for TV aren't there for streaming.

I'm not the biggest Milo Murphy fan, I didn't even finish the show, I quit around the episode where the writers were barely hiding their incredible vitriol at the Ghostbusters reboot with women, but when you could feel the studio pressuring them into putting P+F in it it really hurt! It hurts to see the show I loved so much as a teenager is just brought back from the dead every few years! Sometimes dead is betta!!!!

So maybe I'll give it a chance. Maybe I'll see a clip on twitter that's sooo funny and watch it again. Maybe it'll be ok like the movie they made in 2020! That was. fine! Even if it did have a song called "ADULTING" in it!

But my hopes are not high. I don't know when my hopes will be high but this era of streaming TV and movies is kind of capitalist hell.

[creamypudding]

Nine people I'd like to get to know better

Thanks for tagging me @helsensm It's nice to be thought of and I enjoyed learning more about you.

Last Song: I honestly don't remember. I think the last song I heard that I recall enjoying was Between You & Me's cover of Smash Mouth's 'All Star' - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrxbcsWQYKk It's a fun updated version of this classic.

Favorite Color: I am very partial to shades of green, but love most colours except for pastels and pinks.

Currently Watching: I've been watching Dr Who 60th anniversary special. Ten and Donna are .... all the love hearts. I've always loved Donna so much and they both got a fitting ending and now I'm really pumped for Ncuti Gatwa's era. He had me at 'honey'.

Last Movie/Show: I finished watching Lessons in Chemistry. That show... oh boy. Whoever thinks Brie Larson is 'wooden' because of her characterisation in Captain Marvel is doing her acting chops dirty. She was incredibly alive and wonderful in Lessons in Chemistry. The romance between her character and Calvin was amazing and I've never been so fucking mad at a cute dog before in my entire life. I'm still ruined by Six-thirty and would highly highly encourage people to watch the show if the premise of it tickles your fancy. You can watch the trailer here - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-1PuK8mxASE

Spicy, Savory, or Sweet: Depends entirely on my mood and what my hormones are doing. Sometimes I want chocolate, sometimes I want cheese and crackers. I wouldn't go for spicy as a snack or a craving satiator but enjoy spicy foods like curries as meals.

Last Thing You Googled: The cast of Power Rangers Ninja Steel because one of the guys reminded me of the guy who is on Is It Cake? and I had to make sure it wasn't him, and it wasn't. He just has that stupid voice and accent. Must be from the same area in the USA.

Tagging: Gah... I hate the Tumblr @system because it never shows me my mutuals or friends but every single person on the entire tumblr and then I'm trying to find peoples avatars and the entire thing is so fucking clunky and shite. I'm just going to go through the @s and see which people actually pop up that I recognise...

@dandhisdolls @cloud-orion @secluded-delusions @capt-ba @ariasune @melynir @its-ace121 @harmonization @zimithrus1

No obligation to do this. Only if you want to.

[wyntersecret-a]

@awalkoflife said:

with this incredible new information, please kindly tell us what lan's favourite era is and why. also, what are his top three taylor albums? ( bonus points if you include a little headcanon about lansab + kevphelia attending the eras tour together. ) <3

!! I love this ask because now Lan won’t shut up lolol Okay so Landon’s era would fall under Reputation. Overall it’s about the misconstrued assumptions of how one is perceived for him. And taking back the reins over how one is viewed WHICH hits so hard with his film boi universe. Know who to trust, rise above and become a version of yourself that others will wish they had backed down from. All of that hits home as he needs to learn to not give af what people think.

Fave three albums? Oh that’s actually easy for him: Red, Reputation & Midnights.

I mean Lan’s actual theme song ‘Anti Hero’ makes Midnights a given. That was his strongest blog motif for a while and it still is important.

Also for every instance that Emeline attempted to apologize and want to start fresh Landon’s mood will always be, “We are NEVER ever getting back together!”

The Eras Tour is something Landon can easily get tickets for considering who he is. He probably doesn’t reveal it straight away but I can see Sabrina realizing he’s a Taylor Swift fan simply by the stuff he’ll be posting on his social media surrounding the tour. Hearing her music in his car or the obvious TikTok share. We know Lansab texts a lot so that’ll definitely be obvious from what he shares.

Does Landon care what people think about him being a Swiftie? No. Why the hell should he? It’s honestly VERY MUCH HIM look at his taste with bombshell blondes. Sabrina should realize she’s about to get the VIP treatment because the second he’s able to set up a date he’s asking her to go with him.

Oh and it’s pretty hilarious considering Landon and Ophelia would be talking about this whole concert TOGETHER because they’re working on another project. Phee is an ultimate fangirl type. She won’t shut up about it. Bonus points for Landon asking Kevin if he knows how much of a Taylor Swift fan Ophelia is and gives him extra tickets to surprise her with. Cause Lan is the best wingman you’ll ever meet.

Can anybody say VIP all the way? The amount of partying these four will do is astronomical and the fact they’re in attendance makes media waves. Imagine all the photos that will circulate. Honestly see everyone coining them a new celeb group ala r.at pack or b.rat pack. A major move as it’ll be clear the two pairs are tight like that long after this fun filled ride.

[wrongcaitlyn]

I forgot to send this earlier but I love the fierrochase oneshot!!!! I was wondering what artists you used as inspo for alex :) also flustered magnus was so cute he is down incredibly bad. you once again have adopted the backstories in a way that makes sense and I love that. wait I guess it’s not technically a oneshot but ykwim. im super excited to get back to nico and will tho!!!!!!!!!!

ahh thank you so much!! and for alex, bc i pictured him as a sorta alt indie sorta rock artist, and i don't really listen to that genre, i just went with boygenius back when originally writing his character - since then, though, i started listening to a bit of paramore (for my eras tour shows lmao, i only knew the popular singles before that) and i honestly feel like they fit alex a bit better?? like i DO think he would have a few of those sad balads and stuff, and two songs that i canonically made alex's were 'salt in the wound' and 'black hole' with i think are very fitting for him, but yeah. might also be thinking some paramore! but honestly since i dont have many recs from the genre everyone is completely free to imagine his music as whatever tehy like!! but i did make a playlist for the fic here so <33

and i'm so so glad you liked it!!! more of their backstories to come in ch 2, because honestly i have way too much lore for all these characters i barely mention😭😭 im in WAY too deep in this universe, gotta restrain myself from diverging from the main fic too much!! but ME TOO i'm actually so excited to write the next main chapter of tgol. i hope i can get ahead while on the every other week schedule so i can promise more consistent updates!!!

[3terna15unshin3]

Then Because She Goes

You fracture light again

★ Chapter 2 of 15, 5691 words

★ Matty Healy x Original Female Character

★ warning: recreational drug use

<< 1

1 June, 2018

Inevitably, she recognized the voice she heard on the BBC the night before as Matty’s. Este listened intently to what she could catch of his interview with Annie Mac after the song played, and observed his played-up radio voice—subconsciously comparing it to the humbled one she had encountered over a month previously.

Of course Matty is in a band, she thought. He was the exact type to be a front man; flashy fashion sense, reads essays in his free time, patchwork tattoos. It only doubled the amount of questions she found herself asking. The song was enjoyable, too. It sent a surge of energy through her and Cate, inspiring a late-evening dance party between the two roommates, as they listened to the wordy and humorous lyricism contained throughout the 3 minutes. Este agreed that whiskey really did never start to taste nice, and also hoped that her 27th year didn’t involve any STIs. Her plate of eggs on toast had to wait until after the song was done to be eaten, eventually munched down by a very out of breath Este.

Back at work, she opened her phone, bored during a lull of customers. Typing ‘matty healy’ into Instagram, she found his account easily. The number of followers shocked her, but when she scrolled down to the posts, she only saw a sparse few photos. Este’s original plan was to, quite honestly, stalk his page for answers to all of her curiosities; but his basically empty profile put that idea to a stop.

Her thumb couldn’t help but click the ‘follow’ button before she even had the time to think. Glancing back at the small checklist of things she had to do before closing up, Este got back to work, letting Matty slip out of her head.

✴

[trumanblack]: este.manansala followed you.

Matty had been watching his notifications on social media a little too closely lately. With the new single out, he was heavily focused on the response it was getting, wanting to know what people thought. 

Because of this, he happened to catch the fact that the girl from Greenhouse gave him a follow a few hours after the interaction came through. He was shocked that she found his account, as it had only been active again for a short amount of time, but he assumed that she heard Give Yourself A Try and did some digging. He felt extremely grateful that the new song was well-received so far, but jumping back into the public eye and kickstarting a new era of The 1975 was a mental rollercoaster. Meeting Este felt like the last normal thing he experienced before it all restarted, so he couldn’t get her out of his head.

She reminded him of Manchester, the smell of used books, the venues the band played before anyone knew their name, waiting in line at coffee shops, and the uneven pavements he last tripped over back in April. This sense of comfort he correlated with Este was a little strange, he admitted to himself. It almost brought him to shoot her a DM to strike up a conversation, but Matty thought logically for a moment and decided to just follow her back instead. 

Heading onto the train, he was lucky that more promo brought him back to Manchester. He’d only be in town for a couple of hours, scheduled to meet with some local music journalists to talk about the new song and what’s to come. After his arrival, a few polite people, dressed quite professionally, took turns having a seat with him for a conversation. He enjoyed talking about his art and felt especially excited to dive into sharing the headspace he’d been in while writing A Brief Inquiry. 

Matty had a completely new and introspective way to approach these interviews, and felt the need to answer every question incredibly thoughtfully. In previous years, press always felt a bit silly to him, so he took the piss out of interviewers way too often. Though he was still willing to be lighthearted and sarcastic, the conversations he held recently felt important to him. He felt some responsibility—especially while sitting in the midst of where he grew up—to push support for the arts and inspire the youth in his hometown with the passion he sometimes took for granted.  

“Well, Matty, thank you so much for your time today. I have one last ask of you,” the last interviewer proposed, lifting her pen from her notepad for a moment.

He nodded welcomingly, a smile prominent on his face. “Shoot.”

“Do you have a favourite spot out here in Manchester? Whether it be a pub, restaurant, shop, what have you. I know you’ve spent a lot of your life here and I’m sure people would trust your opinion,” she said.

Matty thought heavily about it, though, sifting through the tonnes of recommendations flooding through his brain. One particular one came to the front, and he selfishly decided on it to sound extra intellectual and mysterious.

“You know, just across the Starbucks on Piccadilly and Gore is this sick used bookshop. Greenhouse, I think it's called. It’s super tiny, but I love going into secondhand shops just to sort through all the cool shit they all have,” he admitted. “Not even just that one in particular, I think the smaller the shop the better, when it comes to Manchester.”

✴ 13 August, 2018

The earl grey tea from Starbucks was super bland, according to Este’s grandmother. 

“Tastes like nothing,” she complained in her thick Filipino accent. Este laughed and offered to take her tea in exchange for her own vanilla latte that sat in front of her. “You know it would just make my blood sugar spike, Anak,” her grandmother denied, calling her ‘child’, as always.

“Well then, you’ll just have to suck it up then,” Este replied, the both of them laughing and happy to be able to spend time together in London.

Her grandmother, Florencia, immigrated there from the Philippines almost 20 years ago to continue her work as a nurse. Despite the rest of the family moving up to Manchester, she and her husband remained in the big city. Now some years into retirement, Florencia always asked her granddaughter to accompany her to doctors appointments, helping them stay as close as ever over the years.  

“You know everything I make at home tastes better anyway. Your Lolo would agree,” Este’s grandmother reminded her, taking another sip of her (bland) cuppa.

“Of course, Lola,” assured Este. “But seriously, do you want me to get you another drink? I don’t want to make you finish that if you don’t like it.”

Florencia thought about it, and almost said no to be humble. But eventually, she agreed, and said, “You know me too well.”

She knew she couldn’t go wrong with a black coffee, and that her grandmother would be much less critical to it; so Este got up from their table in the corner of the busy Starbucks, and queued back up to satisfy the picky woman. Approaching the lengthy queue, she soon realised who stood in front of her. His curly hair sprung in every direction atop his head and Este took note of the few greys she remembered from when they met.

“Matty?” she blurted, immediately regretting being so forward and suddenly anxious that it was a really creepy thing to do. He probably gets stopped by fans countless times a day, she thought and cringed. 

He turned around, the sunglasses sitting on his face making it hard for Este to read his expression. It softened as soon as Matty recognised her. It had been a couple of months since he learned her name for the first time, and—unlike the usual cases of meeting plenty of strangers—he remembered it easily. Maybe it was the fact that he followed her back on Instagram, or maybe just that she was different from those strangers. 

Este oppositely feared that he didn’t even know who she was. 

“Este!” he smiled with relief. 

Even with the friendliness within his demeanour, she felt the need to apologise for yupping at him from behind. “God, I didn’t mean to just call out your name like that,” she chuckled nervously. “That was weird of me,” she apologised.

“Please, don’t be silly,” he told her. “Not weird at all. I’m glad you did, actually. I was in my own little world so I would have never even looked up from my phone,” Matty said, laughing. “What are you doing in London?” 

Este pointed over to her grandmother and their table. “My nan lives here and had a doctor’s appointment earlier this morning. That’s her. I’m horrible at reaching out and coming down to see her so I just escort her to her appointments to kill two birds with one stone,” she admitted.

He looked over and smiled at the old woman in the corner, noticing drinks and pastries already in front of her. “Getting a second round of drinks?” he wondered. She seemed vaguely familiar to him, but he couldn't pin any name or context to her face.

“Oh—she didn’t like her tea. I’m just lining up again to replace it with a black coffee,” Este explained, and he understood. "She’s picky.”

A space grew between Matty and the person in front of him, so they both shuffled forward, still quite a few people before it was their turn to order. 

“But what about you? I’ve seen online that you’ve been quite the busy bee,” she asked.

Matty laughed at her use of the childish phrase. “I have been a busy bee,” he mocked. 

She rolled her eyes in response. “You know, I was just leading up to complimenting your new music but just for that I’m going to keep it to myself.”

His eyebrows rose in excitement, letting go of the bit. “No way! You’ve heard it?” he asked genuinely. 

They shuffled forward again. 

“Yes way,” she laughed. 

Matty nodded, trying to portray how thankful he was for the kind words. 

“When my flatmate and I first heard Give Yourself A Try on Annie Mac she said it made her feel like she had tachycardia,” Este said. 

“Am I supposed to know what that means?” said Matty, chuckling in the process. 

She giggled at the way he said it like it embarrassed him. “I think it’s when your heart beats too fast, or something,” Este attempted to explain. “The song made her feel like that, I guess. In the best way, I promise.” 

“I didn’t know it until right now but that’s exactly what I wanted it to do!” he replied with genuine happiness plastered on his face. Another shuffle towards the register. “Seriously though, I’m glad you like it. To be quite honest I’m a little embarrassed that you were listening when it debuted on Radio 1. I was incredibly nervous so I kept saying stupid shit.”

Este dismissed his embarrassment and insisted that she enjoyed it. 

Their chat continued as the queue moved at a snail’s pace, Florencia repeatedly glancing over to see what was taking so long. It must have been the late breakfast rush. A thought sprung into Este’s mind after finding out that Matty would be flying out to Los Angeles the following week. 

“Want a book recommendation for the flight over?” she posed. 

His eyes widened behind his sunglasses that were still on, as he tilted his head in curiosity. “Of course. Always,” he confirmed, curious to hear her suggestion. 

Smiling, Este began explaining her choice. “It’s called Convenience Store Woman by Sayaka Murata. I read it all in one sitting on one of my days off last week and it was one of the weirdest fucking books I’ve read this year,” she said with a chuckle.

Matty became conscious of the fact that there was now only one person left before it was his turn. What did she say she was ordering for her nan? A black coffee, right? he tried to remember.

“Weird-good, I hope?” 

“100%,” she defended, grinning at him. 

He thanked her and promised he’d pick up a copy before leaving town, and then finally walked up to the register. The poor worker was the only one taking orders as the other three behind her frantically concocted the drinks. She greeted him with a friendly ‘good morning’ despite the stress oozing from her ears.

“Morning, can I get two venti black pike roasts—one with room, please?” 

The worker nodded and punched his order in. Eventually his payment went through, giving Este her cue to step up and begin her order. 

But, he put a hand on her shoulder before she could greet the girl in the green apron. She looked at him, confused. 

“I got it,” he said simply, without explaining.

Now understanding that one of the two coffees he bought was for her grandmother, she protested and insisted that he accept the ten pound note she pulled out of her pocket to repay him. 

“Este, stop, really. Let me buy your grandmother a coffee,” he argued.

She couldn’t get him to budge, so as they waited for the drinks, they bee-lined for Florencia’s table. Her sparse and white eyebrows furrowed, looking at an unfamiliar Matty. 

“This is Matty, Lola,” Este introduced. 

He waved sweetly to her and they exchanged smiles once the confusion disappeared from her face. “Nice to meet you, madam. I’m Este’s friend.” 

A fuzzy feeling wrapped around Este’s spine as she thought of him considering her his friend.

Her grandmother waved him off, shaking her head. “You don’t have to call me madam, Matty,” she corrected. All three of them shared a laugh, before Florencia continued on, “You can call me Lola.” 

Este’s cheeks grew hot with embarrassment. Christ. She just told Matty Healy to call her Grandmother. Her hands flew to her face, covering it up, and then flying to her hair to nervously smooth down the already slicked ponytail it was in.

He chuckled and replied, “Oh, I’d love to—Lola is a beautiful name you’ve got.”

Florencia immediately locked eyes with her granddaughter and they laughed. “Lola means grandmother in Tagalog. It’s what I call her, and what you’d usually call any female elder in the Philippines,” Este broke the news in the midst of their giggles. 

He went cherry red as worry crossed his mind and he considered how ignorant his comment sounded. Words tried to escape his mouth and form sentences but they were barely coherent. In perfect timing, Matty’s name was called out, signalling that the drinks were ready, so she left him with her grandmother to grab them and let him continue squirming in embarrassment. 

She could tell he was apologising and that Florencia was telling him that he didn’t need to, trying to help him with the pronunciation. 

“It’s not like the name Lola, the ‘o’ should almost sound blunt and cut off,” she explained, and Matty attempted to pronounce it in the way she instructed. They shared an endearing moment of laughter as he tried it a few more times, and Este set down the drinks, interrupting them.

“Here’s your coffee, Lola. Matty paid for it, so you should thank him.”

Delight spread over her grandmother's face as she repeatedly thanked him, using a tone of voice Este rarely heard. She loves him, Este thought, grabbing her necklace and fiddling with it. 

Matty picked up his coffee, not even realising how much time had passed. “Please, it’s my pleasure, Lola,” he tried. 

Florencia nodded excitedly in approval. 

“I’d love to stick around but I’ve got to head over to a meeting. It was lovely meeting you, and seeing you again, Este.” He looked into her eyes.

She looked back at them, even though his shades hindered her from noticing. “Same here, Matty. Sorry if I took up your time by blabbering at you in line,” she apologised.

He shook his head, silently reassuring her, and uttered a quick ‘bye’ before waving at both her and her grandmother as he turned to approach the exit. Smiles were shared between the three of them, and eventually, he was gone.

“Ang pogi n’ya!” **

“I know, Lola.”

** He’s so handsome!

✴ 23 August, 2018

Before cleaning up his flat to take off to LA in a few hours, Matty remembered to reach into the Waterstones bag sitting on his coffee table and grab the copy of Convenience Store Woman that was inside. 

He studied the purple cover and read the reviews advertised on it. ‘Irresistibly quirky! – The Guardian’, and ‘Exhilaratingly weird and funny, – Sally Rooney’ spelled a few of them. Scanning the description on the back, he understood why the underlying theme of everything he had heard about the Japanese book was that it was weird—but he trusted Este’s recommendation and followed through with his promise. 

It was going to be a fast read for him, only containing a short and sweet 163 pages. If he read it on and off through the span of his flight, he could most likely finish the whole thing. 

Matty was looking forward to forming some opinions on the novel and letting Este know what he thought of it, once the time comes. When will I next be in Manchester? he thought. Surely it won’t be for a while.

There was an obvious way to get in contact with her that wasn’t just showing up at her place of employment, but somehow he was still scared to come on too strong; even after randomly meeting her grandmother in a Starbucks. Sliding into a girl’s DMs had a certain connotation that he didn’t want to accidentally display while searching for a lighthearted chat about books with a friendly girl who made him feel closer to home. It wasn’t classy.

He met the rest of the crew at Heathrow, and had a couple of hours to waste time before it was time to board. Sandwiched between Ross and George and sat on the uncomfortable row of chairs at their gate, Matty pulled out the book to get started. All of them had music playing in their headphones, trying to stay reserved and minding their own business. 

25 pages or so into the novel, he was shocked at how many times he had to pause to gawk at its writing, using a pen to underline a few of his favourite quotes. Somehow the author made this impact on him without even using particularly powerful words, which Matty usually ate right up. He wasn’t learning any new words from this book, and it intrigued him. The simpler words made a deeper print on the inside of his mind.

Next thing you know, it was time to board, and he had already finished Convenience Store Woman. The short novel started off strong, but ultimately, Matty had read better. He liked its commentary on conforming to socially constructed standards and how uniquely it was represented with Keiko, the main character, but as he turned more pages, he found it harder and harder to empathise with her. 

“Well, that £11.99 lasted about an hour and forty-five minutes,” he muttered to nobody in particular while he and the guys stood up to get onto the plane.

“Didn’t like it?” asked George, as he took the book from Matty and started reading the back. After a few seconds of taking in the summary, he said, “Sounds a bit weird, mate.” 

“I mean, I did like it, just not that much,” Matty justified, taking back the small book and shoving it in his pocket. 

They paused their conversation as it was their turn to show their boarding passes and passports, walking down the tunnel to the plane. The four of them rarely travelled all together when they weren’t touring, so it was odd to fly as a group just to get some recording done in America. 

“To be quite honest, I’m surprised you even chose to buy a book at full price, especially one like that,” George continued to judge his book choice.

Adam stepped onto the plane first, in front of Matty, and scanned the aisle numbers to find their seats. He found it eventually, and gestured to Ross to come sit next to him; George stuck sitting next to a blabbering Matty, as always. 

“The girl at Greenhouse recommended it to me,” he continued. “You know that used book shop across the Starbucks on Gore Street?” 

“Gore… in Manchester?” George replied. “When did you go back to Manchester?” 

Matty lifted both him and Ross’s carry-ons into the overhead compartment. “Back in April. When I went for my birthday,” he clarified.

George raised his eyebrows. “That was months ago mate, and you’re only reading it now? And since when is a used book eleven pound ninety-nine?” he interrogated. 

Matty rolled his eyes. “Geez, got any more questions for me?” 

The four bandmates sat in the same row, the walkway of the small plane departing the first two from the second two. They tried to get comfortable as the other passengers continued to sort out their bags and find their designated spots.

He looked back at George. “I ran into that Greenhouse girl, Este, just last week. It was here in London. That’s when she told me to read it, since I brought up the fact that I’d be on a long flight to LA, and that we promised to eventually exchange recommendations back at the shop in Manchester. Funny story, actually, I ended up meeting her grandmother that day as well. Lovely woman,” Matty rambled. “And it cost twelve pounds because I bought it at Waterstones yesterday, not at Greenhouse.”

All he received from his friend was a raise of eyebrows in agreement, George resorting back to his music. I’ll shut up now, decided Matty.

✴

Two movies and a couple of bags of complimentary peanuts later, Matty, George, Ross, and Adam were barely half way into their flight. Unexpectedly finishing his book at the gate left Matty with nothing to do. His left butt cheek kept falling asleep and George was snoring soundly next to him. 

Deciding to try and be productive, he pulled out his laptop and placed it on the pull-down table from the chair in front of him. Matty never felt the need to pay for Wi-Fi in moments like these, so he resorted to sorting through the cluttered files on his desktop and tidying them up. Random references and photo inspiration from years and years ago still collected virtual dust in the laptop he’d carried around for the past four years. 

He yawned, then continued quickly opening the countless amounts of .jpeg files he knew were of no use to him anymore and dragging them to the trash icon. The thumbnail of the image he was about to click was difficult to make out, but Matty realised it was a photo of him in the hospital after getting his gallbladder removed back in 2011. He expanded it, the grainy photo filling his screen, and he was shocked to discover that in the meaningless relic from his surgery seven years ago, he recognised the nurse posing beside him. 

Este’s grandmother. 

He rubbed his eyes, which were slightly teary due to his constant yawning, to try and study the photo even closer. That’s her. This world really is insanely small, Matty thought. 

Florencia’s hair was slightly less white in the photo, but her beauty remained the same. Her arms were spread wide to pose playfully and a 22-year-old Matty with a baby-face was sat in the hospital bed. Blue gown on and all, he was pointing at her excitedly. 

Though one of the most common surgeries to have, there was an unlucky handful of complications with Matty’s cholecystectomy. He had to be admitted for a couple of nights and he remembers being fairly nervous about the situation; but Florencia took amazing care of him, and her bright and bubbly personality stood out to him. It really helped keep his spirits high in a relatively depressing place like the hospital; that fact being the reason Matty remembers his mother asking them to pose for a photo together. He decided against deleting it, thinking that if he ever mustered up the guts to message Este, it would be a funny thing to bring up.

Mindlessly clearing his laptop of rubbish made his eyes feel heavy, so he dozed off. The guys followed suit, and for the rest of the flight they fell in and out of sleep; the band seemingly exhausted from the amount of work they’d been doing and would continue to do once they landed in California. 

Excited, and slightly nervous to be back in America, they finally arrived. It was close to 8pm LA time, so nothing special was on the schedule for that night. They smoked a quick zoot outside their Airbnb and discussed what they needed to get done in the two and a half weeks they’d be staying. 

Coming back inside and trying to adjust to the new time zone, Matty emptied the carry-on items he’d need to reach for the most onto the sink in his adjoining toilet and then some onto his bedside table. He came across Convenience Store Woman and opened it back up before putting it away. Flicking through it, he found what he decided was his favourite line. His eyes ran over the paragraph and felt it even more deeply a second time, especially in the context of the city he just touched-down in. Saying it aloud to himself a third time and feeling particularly loose from the weed, he impulsively opened his phone to Instagram and searched for Este. He drafted a message, quoting the book, and sent it quickly. 

It didn’t say much, but Matty was far too tired to care and passed out as soon as his head hit the crisp white pillow.

trumanblack: ‘My present self is formed almost completely of the people around me. I am currently made up of 30 percent Mrs. Izumi, 30 percent Sugawara, 20 percent the manager, and the rest absorbed from past colleagues such as Sasaki, who left six months ago, and Okasaki, who was our supervisor until a year ago. My speech is especially infected by everyone around me and is currently a mix of that of Mrs. Izumi and Sugawara. I think the same goes for most people.’

trumanblack: Ouch I just landed in LA and this part felt too real

✴ 7 September, 2018

“I was wanting to read some more classics,” the curly haired customer explained. “But I just have no idea where to start. I’ve only read ones like The Picture of Dorian Gray and To Kill A Mockingbird and Lord of the Flies. They’ve all been a little heavy, and I don’t know if I’m in the mood for that. I want some more humour, something lighthearted, maybe?” 

“I’m glad you came to me for classics, I have tons of recommendations.” She smiled sweetly at the young woman, hunting down the shelf she stood in front of often. 

“Emma and Persuasion are my favourite Jane Austen novels. I don’t think people realise how funny she is,” Este gushed, pulling a rather old edition of the former book off the shelf. “A likeable main character makes a book heaps easier to read, and Emma is so likeable. She’s witty and confident and charming and reading through her is so fun.” 

Thirty minutes later, full of the worker spewing on about her picks, the customer walked out with both Austen novels in her hand. 

One of Este’s favourite things about her job was being able to just talk about books all day. Her personality was so obsessive that nothing made her feel more energised than trying to get everyone around her to enjoy the same things as her. Whether it be novels, films, music; anything. 

Suddenly becoming aware of the song humming through the store, she realised that the Greenhouse Spotify playlist was looking particularly sparse as of lately. Este worked full time, so she grew tired of the same music repeatedly filling the air. She had to turn over each song quite quickly or else she’d go insane. Whenever these moments arise, she’d spend every free minute on the clock sifting through her Daily Mix playlists on her Spotify home feed to find new material. 

As she had streamed Give Yourself A Try plenty of times, Este found some other The 1975 songs being recommended to her. One called Love It If We Made It caught her eye, and as the store was empty, she played it through the speakers to judge if it was worthy to be added to the rotation. She wondered if Matty ended up reading Convenience Store Woman.

Its powerful beginning took her by surprise, as she felt the pulsing beat deep in her chest. The profanity prevented her from adding it to the shop’s playlist, but she kept listening for her own sanity. The longer Este did, the more she was amazed. Her mouth remained agape as the words stamped into her subconscious and refused to leave. It was extremely bold, desperate, political, and shocking—all intentionally, Este could tell. She wanted to pick apart Matty’s brain. Hear the thoughts his mind whispered to him. Feel his emotions, deep and shallow, and know why he felt them; so much that Este considered letting Matty know how much she loved Love It If We Made It. 

The idea of it scared her; throwing herself into the surely abundant sea of DMs on his Instagram, but the song and her experience listening to it felt important. She was aware that he likely heard praise on the daily and that her message probably wouldn’t mean much to him, but she continued typing away. She barely opened her own DMs herself, so she eventually found comfort in the fact that the chances he would see it were low. 

It was a purely cathartic process, writing the message. Exposing her love for the song helped her put her love for music and art into a concrete and physical space. It reminded her how lucky she was to have the ability to listen to music, read books, and observe film. Este was a sponge, soaking up the world around her with open arms.

‘Love it if we made it is such an important song, I listened for the first time at the shop earlier and felt it so deeply!!!!! Hearing new music and having it impact you is such a beautiful sensation. Thank you for making me feel that again <3 The minute it feels like you’re saying too much it’s immediately just enough. It’s desperate and declarative, in sort of a scary way. But i think that’s the intention. Seriously it might be my favourite song of the year. lmk when you’re back in Manchester, you should come into the shop so i can gush some more!!!’ read her notes app.

Este shook her head and deleted the last sentence, deciding it was a little too much. She ended it with a second ‘thank you’ instead. Did I use too many exclamation marks? she thought. Yeah. Then,  Este copied the text before her thumbs clicked away at her phone with the destination of trumanblack and the paste button. 

To her surprise, she already had a message awaiting her—from Matty. She wasn’t lying that she rarely opened her DMs. It was dated to two weeks ago. Este instantly felt guilty for airing him and never seeing it, and a bit concerned to learn what it was about. She opened it tentatively, and her eyes scanned across the familiar words from the book she had recommended to him. A feeling of relief spread across her chest when realising that he actually went and read Convenience Store Woman, and thought to reach out to have a conversation about it. Este quickly felt guilty again. 

There was no way she was sending her exasperated paragraph of compliments, now knowing that he would see it and that he sent her one first. She tried to match his casual tone and typed a couple of short replies. 

este.manansala: Ugh such a good quote

este.manansala: Conformity can go die x

este.manansala: What did you think of it?

Setting her phone down after being on it for way too long while on the clock, Este busied herself with mundane tasks around the shop. She was a little sad that she sold one of her favourite copies of Persuasion, but it wasn’t the end of the world. She vacuumed the carpet, watered the plants, ordered toilet roll and Brita filters with their work card, re-alphabetised their thrillers, and more. Her goal was to have no time to spiral about a response from Matty—and it was working. 

Soon enough, the shop was closed, and Este was clicking the switches of the handful of lamps that keep it warmly lit after sunset. Sam bought them from various charity shops so they were all different in their shape, size, and colour, but that’s what she loved so much about them. It was a bit of a pain to have to manually do it every night instead of flipping a master switch like most stores, but she got used to the routine and found it comforting.

She twisted the store key into the door to lock up, and the quiet walk down the street to her car allowed her to think for the first time in a couple of hours. The notifications on her phone were itching to be opened and Este could hear them screaming at her. It wasn’t until Este sat at her and Cate’s dining room table to eat her dinner that she finally scrolled through her daunting notification centre. The ‘Do Not Disturb’ setting on her iPhone was her best friend. 

But, alas, Matty had responded. As she waited for Cate to arrive home from work, Este figured there was no harm in embracing the situation. They both felt some urge to reignite their conversations, whether it be by accident in a Starbucks or intentionally over Instagram. So, she opened it and typed away.

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