#but i actually didnt read that much about it so i dont feel qualified to talk abt it here but lmao

[snippit-crickit]

old art i still like- my edition of wolf and rabbit from the soviet cartoon nu pogodi/wilk i zając that most people from the former eastern bloc would watch as a kid, including myself all things aside i think their designs are neat, they basically were soviet tom and jerry

[81folklore]

dress - SV5 - part 2

pairings: sebastian vettel x famous!reader (fc: taylor swift)

summary: its known that seb has been married for a few years now despite the public never seeing is wife, its also known that yn is in a committed relationship and has been since she disappeared from public eye. maybe they are more connected than people realise

authors note: part two because i didnt realise how long it had gotten but im allergic to actually writing.. also i apologize for the first part literally just being build-up.. i honestly didnt know about the 30 pic limit so...

authors note 2: i used google translate for the german so i hope its correct, also i dont know if petnames like darling or sunshine are used in germany but i had to use them

authors note 3: i actually hate how this turned out :/ but it was very hard to actually get my thoughts onto the page so this will do! this is part 2 so go read part 1 first!!

part 1 part 3 masterlist

ynupdates

liked by user5, user77, olliebearman and 45,920 others

YN IN THE F1 PADDOCK TODAY, I REPEAT YN IN THE PADDOCK

view comments

user77: sorry i dont follow f1, i thought the races were on sundays?

user5: dont be sorry! today is qualifying and tomorrow is the race!

user5: SHES THERE I CANT STAY CALM

user91: does anyone know who she was with in those photos of her by the track?

user5: sebastian vettel and mick schumacher!

user6: SHE WAS WATCHING QUALIFYING WITH SEB AND MICK?? SEB VETTEL?? AND MICK SCHUMACHER?? OH LORDDD

user12: i thought i would survive.. i lied

ynupdates

liked by user5, user20, user99 and 101,782 others

seems like yn is with redbull at todays race looking as gorgous as ever!

view comments

user5: OH OH OH OH

user5: SHE IS STUNING HOLY

user20: her style recently has been AMAZING

user68: out of every team i think redbull would have been one of my last guesses

user6: THE WAY SHE IS WITH REDBULL AND SPENT QUALIFYING WITH REDBULLS GOLDEN BOY OH I FEEL SICK

user99: i love her so much

user42: at least her team will win

user591: IS SHE WEARING A WEDDING RING??

user618: i think so?? honestly i wouldnt be surprised shes very private and has been with her partner for almost 8 years so no wonder he popped the question

user90: i need her to be at every gp

ynupdates

liked by charles_leclerc, user55, user81 and 234,891 others

yn on stage performing dress during the post-race concert at suzuka! as far as we know it was a complete surprise, she came on to sing dress then left. this is her second time performing it to a live audience!

view comments

user81: WHEN IS IT MY TURN TO HEAR DRESS LIVE

user5: charles and seb were both spotted watching her from the side of the stage!

user81: charles taking seb to see his favorite artist..what if i cried

user55: i cant believe i lost dress twice without even knowing i could lose it😭

user8: i hope she had so much fun, ive missed her doing stuff like this :’)

user12: apparently she was laughing and looking off stage at someone throughout, possibly her partner?

user1: SHE AWLAYS LOOKS SO GOOD

user13: so much content this weekend..im going to have major withdrawls

yourusername

liked by sebastianvettel, mickschumacher and 13,712,847 others

four years ago i was given the pleasure of marrying my best friend

i am unable to really put into words how much meeting you and getting to spend the rest of my life with you has changed my life seb, but i tell you i love you enough daily that i hope you understand

when we first met i had no idea how much you would impact me and the way i think, but you have helped me become the woman i am today and i am forever grateful for that

i often feel unworthy of the life you have given me, the life we have together. i wonder how i got to be the one you love and cherish and i know how lucky i am to be the one you spend your life with

you gave me your heart and i promise to look after it for as long as im here, i promise to keep it safe and i know you will look after mine

danke, dass du mich liebst, danke, dass du dich um mich kümmerst. (thank you for loving me, thank you for taking care of me) Ich verspreche, dich bis zu meinem letzten Atemzug zu lieben. (I promise to love you until my last breath) Ich werde nie aufhören, dich zu lieben, Mein Sonnenschein. (I will never stop loving you, my sunshine)

tagged: sebastianvettel

comments on this post have been limited

sebastianvettel: Danke, dass du dein Herz geöffnet hast und mich dich lieben lässt, mein Schatz (Thank you for opening your heart and letting me love you, my darling)

sebastianvettel

liked by yourusername, lewishamilton and 8,728,712 others

I won the most important race. It was the race into the heart of the love of my life, yn. I love you.

view comments

yourusername: 🩵🩵🩵

user5: I CANT DO THIS STOP

user12: hes so sweet :(

user18: ive known about them for a total of 2 minutes but i love them already🫡

user6: dress was written about him…

user71: i feel ill wehn will i get posted like this

sebastianvettel

liked by charles_leclerc, yourusername, landonorris and 10,120,859 others

the sunshine of my life

view comments

yourusername: i love you so much

lewishamilton: very happy for you mate!

user13: THEY LOVE EACHOTHER SO MUCH OH MY GOD😭😭

landonorris: 🥹🥹

user82: DRESS WAS WRITTEN BY HER FOR HIM AND HE WAS PROUD OF IT OH LORD

user5: literally my favorite people in the entire universe🫶

user19: still in shock that theyve been married for four years

[anendoandfriendo]

Tw syscourse, no pressure to read or respond if you dont have the energy or just dont want to for any reason

You seem like the sys to ask about this, because i know youre a disordered endogenic system. Obviously a system that didnt form from trauma can experience trauma, and a system that wasnt always disordered can become disordered. I was wondering if in your opinion CDDs are always caused by trauma? Intuitively i feel like there are potentially non-trauma reasons to have a dissociative disorder, just like theres non-trauma reasons to have an anxiety disorder. Certainly if somesys ever told me they had a CDD for non-trauma reasons i would believe them, but i dont know if ive ever seen a system describe themselves that way. All the conflicting opinions ive been seeing in pro endo spaces is bringing the topic to mind

I mean, there are always exceptions to the rule, if that's what you're asking?

We're not sure if it's our plurality that's disordered though (we have definitely been back and forth about it however).

It's kind of the same logic of correlation here, like, unless it explicitly says trauma like in CPTSD and PTSD we see zero reason to see it as causative.

And even CPTSD and PTSD get fucky. Like, what about exomemories? Or like what about the fact they explicitly require trauma to be a that is directly in person regardless so even if you had the exact same synptoms they can just go "nope sorry baby you cant have PTSD" just like that if it was work related stress?? Like, we actually wonder how much of burnout is just PTSD but because "According to the current diagnostic criteria, assessment of PTSD symptoms is appropriate only if criterion A is met, i.e., the individual has had a qualifying exposure to a requisite trauma. Without this trauma exposure, psychiatric symptoms reported by an individual would not qualify as PTSD symptoms." yada yada yada.

(Also that comment "some trauma experts criticized criterion A in the DSM-IV as too inclusive" is really, really telling here. Is trauma only big things, or small things too??? Why draw the line here?? Is it possible the DSM itself is contributing to the stigma of its own disorders???)

So, going from there — if the only thing differentiating PTSD from burnout is literally about the immenancy of the threat you're forseeing ir experiencing, how is that any different from like. An endogenic CDD.

Psychiatrists aren't there to help you and the DSM is an insurance bible. Like. Just based off of that alone. So why the hell should we. Like. Gatekeep CDDs if even the most "basic" of diagnoses get so so much debate.

We should always let the person decide for themselves how to identify. 🙃

Sorry if this was all hard to read: we're literally going through a really bad burnout rn, without going into many details.

- Hailey (Admin)

[sunhowler]

hey man. also facing thousands of dollars worth of dental work due to poor care here. i literally lost one of my incisors. if you think posts reassuring people its ok they have trouble taking care of their teeth are "anti recovery" youre straight up stupid like i dont know what to tell you. nothing in the world helped me get better at taking care of my teeth than learning i wasnt alone. i thought for a long time that nobody in the fucking world was as bad at dental hygiene as i was because nobody talked about it!!!! nobody felt like saying anything other than "brush your teeth"!!! in my early teens i completely broke my tooth brushing habits because i fell into the worst depression id ever been in and i thought i wouldnt live long enough for my teeth to matter. i spent so long not taking care of my teeth At All. i went months without brushing them at a time. and never in my life until like a year ago had anyone ever told me that i wasnt alone. i lived in so much shame thinking i was repulsive (id have people ask me to my face what was wrong with my teeth before) and beyond repair so why even Try. but learning that there were other people who struggled just as badly as me motivated me to get better like nothing else. i didnt know i didnt have to be ashamed. i didnt know that my existence wasnt unilaterally disgusting to every other human being on the planet. i didnt know i was allowed to talk about it, much less that i was allowed to talk about it without adding a billion qualifiers about how you should brush your teeth actually.

i just. like. the problem isnt that we dont know we're supposed to brush our teeth. the problem isn't that we think it doesn't matter (like trust me op i think everyone else whos dealing with dental hygiene difficulties is also facing the consequences). the problem is that dental hygiene is so cloaked in shame and guilt and it feels impossible to talk about without judgement. this honestly reads like calling posts about self harm "anti recovery" because they didnt attach a psa about how its bad to cut yourself actually and you shouldnt do it. We Know That. and if all we get in response to our suffering is "here are the things you should do to not suffer" with no reassurance or emotional outreach then very fucking little is going to change. nobody with difficulty brushing their teeth is going to be helped by a tumblr post saying "brush your teeth". they already hear that from everyone else constantly and its obviously not fucking working. if posts offering emotional support and solidarity didnt help you then im sorry and that sucks but it doesnt mean those posts are anti recovery as a whole and its fucking insulting that you believe that to be honest

[maschotch]

@jemily-in-paris oh dont worry akdhsk YOU didnt ruin my breakfast lmao that was definitely all me. and the way you wrote jj/emily/jemily wasnt bad, it’s just not my thing. i have an obnoxiously over-critical taste in general, and im pretty shameless about it with criminal minds since we should all be at least a little humiliated for liking the show as much as we do. its hard for me to read cm fic anyway so for the ones you sent i mostly just skimmed for content

angsty hotch, however, is ALWAYS an exception to that rule. and im probably the LEAST qualified person to judge anyones writing (im more ab character analysis than actual writing which is why i end up writing character studies more often than not—i dont have a creative bone in my body). “a single touch” was, and i mean this in the best possible way, absolutely horrifying. it made my skin crawl… hotch being nothing more than an outlet for his father’s rage—acting as a scapegoat for the rest of the family every time he got dragged down into that basement.

and the spelling bee one…. not them having “abuse” as a word 💀💀 whats next, pedophilia?? i was so caught up in how sean escaped childhood unscathed that it didnt occur to me that there might’ve been other siblings that hadnt. verrrry interesting and i actually really like that concept. it adds why more pressure to hotch’s resolve to keep sean safe.

hotch is so distant from his family, so i didnt ever really think of his mother still being alive, much less being in contact w him. now that i think about it tho idk if hotch would be able to establish boundaries with his own mother like that, especially if he hasn’t worked through his feelings on the matter. her tightening his grip on his hand like that… oof. not a shock that no one plans on telling jack about the late father hotchner, but i bet he’ll find out one day. jack is perceptive, and hotch, try as he might, wears his heart on his sleeve. eventually jack’s gonna notice that his dad isn’t normal about certain things

[glennis-hate-blog]

If not Dennis though then who?

if you're asking something other than who would i hate if not dennis, sorry for answering wrong (though the amount that i wrote should qualify my answer as wrong no matter what). i did three reading comprehension tasks total throughout my entire education, and received feedback on none of them. i went completely off the rails so skip to blue, bold text if you just want the real answer

THE ANSWER:

-must of course be contextualised with the fact that when it comes to dennis, i am untethered and my rage knows no bounds. no amount of hate for any other person would substantiate. the runner-up for my-most-hated would compare to dennis as athlete's foot compares to gangrene. having established this, we can move on to establishing why i am dragging my answer out so much. it is because i crave human contact, yet i seem to dislike anyone close to me. the internet provides me with scraps of impersonal human contact that leave me oblivious to the real person, the human behind that interaction. this allows me to feel comfortable enjoying an interaction without convincing myself that i hate the other person. how can i hate someone i do not know? excellent setup! i feast like a starving lion. i suppose that with this in mind, i might claim that if not dennis, i could hate myself the most. but im assuming that we're talking sunny characters here.

it's hard to understand how i feel about the other characters, because i hold my affections about them while aware that they are obviously horrible people.

my mind jumped to dee first, seeing as she shares a lot of the same qualities that make me hate dennis. the most glaring example being that they are rapists. seeing a pattern of this trait in TWINS makes me a little sad though. it shows that what caused this probably had something to do with their parents. the fact that dennis is worse than dee can probably be attributed to his getting raped by the school librarian or whatever it was, as well as how differently their parents treated him on account of his being male. i think some patriarchally motivated power issues stem from that treatment, you can see how he acts out around women in this way (as if i have to explain). anyway dee would make sense as a solid contender. by default ill add her parents to the ring since im blaming them for making her the way that she is.

... im not a huge cricket fan. sure he has his funny moments which i adore, but that is much the same as the reynolds twins. i didnt love him before his decline/the development of his drug addiction, weakness and catholicism repulse me. (HALF JOKE. SORRY. sorry.) i say that he is weak due to his susceptibility to manipulation (a trait he shares with dennis- a man who was tricked into digging up his dead mother 'for gold')- by dee. she wasnt even in her milf era at the time and he left the whole church without even seeing a ring... ok :|. girlie travelled to a bar full of people who bullied and sexually assaulted him to check out a water stain :/ PLEASE. anyway then there's the drug abuse which was actually fairly slay i dont take issue with that. he got better and more acceptable after that in my mind.

third and final person ill seriously consider will be gail the fucking snail. ive seen gail apologists... no... shes not even that bad it's just that shes a caricature of REAL PEOPLE i have to deal with, i totally sympathise with the twins over hating and salting her. idc if she just wants to hang out. she should learn what fuck off means and start trying to find herself, rather than continually finding other people to latch onto obsessively and dissolving into a radioactive puddle of self-pity and non-committal, performative 'shame' every time she is rejected before restarting her circuit of the same 3 people she harasses. oh my god i dont think im talking about snail anymore. whatever. it's what she represents IT DOESNT HAVE TO MAKE SENSE OK THIS IS ABOUT THE PEEPEEPOOPOO SHOW.

scrolling back through all ive written over a simple six-word question, i can see that it is my fucking bedtime. i will be concluding now. ok so i think it's fair to eliminate cricket here, since she redeemed herself by learning parkour and being funny. while i hate gail and everything she represents, she isnt a rapist. she just needs to stop asking for my address and suggesting we have sleepovers and asking whether im a top or a bottom. fucking snail. that would make Dee Reynolds my second-most-hated sunny character! i couldnt hate her with the same fiery rage that i hate dennis, but if there were no dennis, there may very well have existed a dee hate blog.

yip-fucking-ee im so sorry to anyone who thought it was worth investing the time to read any of that, especially the second two body paragraphs. im going to bed now have a fantastic day

[savethepinecones]

4, 13 (bakugo), 10

ooh thisll be fun

4: do you have a notp in your fandom? are they a popular otp?

oh boy im about to get absolutely destroyed but tododeku. i dont read established relationships much and i prefer lots of drama but the vibe i get from tododeku is theyd get together without much hassle so i just have no interest

13: unpopular opinion about bakugou?

ohhhh boy. i dont think theres anything i can say about him that hasnt been said before. the fandom has analyzed him to hell and back and honestly i think theyve got a pretty good grasp on his character at this point so i dont think any of my headcanons would really qualify here....

i think the biggest thing would be that i think he gets too much focus in the fandom. yeah hes the foil for the mc and hes had probably the most character growth out of everyone but there are other characters yall can obsess over smh.

also i think hes much more up front about how he feels than hes portrayed as a lot of the time. the shit he keeps to himself is either stuff hes still figuring out or stuff he feels guilty about but even in the case of the latter it comes up sooner rather than later (deku vs kacchan 2 for example). once he knows how he thinks/feels he doesnt really hide it. i think a lot of the time in fics he tends to keep things pent up or is sometimes a bit tsundere but honestly i think hes much more straightforward than that. hes not afraid of consequences because he very much believes he can overcome anything with enough effort so hes going to say what he thinks and deal with the results as they come up.

ngl though most of the fic i read is shippy stuff so this may not apply in non-romantic scenarios

10: most disliked arc? why?

the pre-ua arc. mostly because the only characters we see are all might deku and bakugou and im more invested in the dynamics of the class as a whole.

early bakugou is The Worst and while i think showing that is important in order to establish how he grows as the series goes on, its not something that i especially care to rewatch. i think looking back on cringey middle school times is always difficult for me irl or otherwise so its not really a complaint about bakugou specifically but yeah.

as for all might i frankly disagree with a lot of his views on being a hero and this is when most of them are established. every time i watch this i just want to argue with him lol

and with deku tbh im just not super a fan of him??? i think part of it is because a lot of his behavior thats emphasized in canon is stuff that i personally struggle with (his tendency to worry about others to the point that he completely neglects himself for one) and while overall i think this is something the series discourages i also want to shake him and scream at him every time he does this stuff. please value yourself small green child. (also all might encourages the self sacrificing stuff and sees it as a sign of being a True Hero and this is an excellent example of what i was talking about in the previous paragraph.)

also its always kinda bothered me that the initial couple episodes are all deku trying to become a hero without a quirk but a) hes not actually doing anything to get closer to his goal (unless you count the analysis of other heroes) like he knows he wouldnt be able to rely on a quirk but hes not even trying to figure out any more obtainable alternatives hes just saying "i want to do this thing" and then not putting any effort in until all might offers to train him. meanwhile characters who are equally committed to the same goal (bakugou and todoroki for example, although todorokis situation is complicated what with endeavor being The Worst and all) are training themselves physically in addition to strengthening their quirks. i would consider deku to be more on par with characters like kirishima who didnt commit to the hero thing until their last year of junior high but that just doesnt match up with the emphasis by both deku himself and the narrative that he has always really wanted to become a hero.

also the whole "i want to become a hero even though i dont have a quirk" thing gets resolved by him just. getting a quirk?? idk i feel like bnha toys with the idea of addressing quirkless discrimination but always just handwaves it away. like oh this character wants to do something that historically has never been achieved by someone with his disability. the resolution is that he no longer has the disability.

also in the case of touya it talks about his experience having a quirk thats incompatible with his body and how that affects him and shapes him but then it just gets kinda pushed aside by endeavors influence on the situation and instead of talking about how touya was affected by a bad home life and struggling with disability and being unable to accept his limits, it just becomes "endeavor was bad at dealing with the situation and then touya became a villain" idk it just keeps skirting around this stuff that i think is important from both a world building perspective and also applicable to actual things that irl people deal with but ultimately it just dismisses it as unimportant. like objectively saying "hey the mc is considered disabled and then in chapter three is magically no longer disabled" is a dick move. yes he struggles with adjusting but like?? the emphasis was on the disability and then it immediately just removed that factor and moved on to a New Problem (oh no the quirk is Too Awesome) (because he didnt bother to do any sort of training or anything to reach his goal until all might was in the picture)

i went on a big tangent but tldr a lot of the problems i have with bnha are especially emphasized in the first five episodes or so and because of that and my lack of interest in the characters with the most screen time (sorry deku stans) i just cant stand the "training to get into ua" arc

thanks for sending the ask! i had a lot of fun talking about this and also spent way too much time on it lol

[batdorable]

REALLY LONG VENT AHEAD: READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

realizing i placed school as like, the primary focus of my life without really trying to do anything with it beyond like, just the raw experience of learning and trying to get good grades has not placed me into a favorable position with everything else. i didnt do any internships or try for graduate school because even during my final semesters, i just didnt know what i wanted. and now two years out i still dont know what i want so thats great.

i just feel like my life has, in general, lacked direction and in general im bad when confronted with choice, so i end up doing nothing instead of making a choice unless there are dramatic outcomes that are soon to pass. part of this definitely has to do with the fact that i really didnt start to build a conscious identity for myself that had any real substance until 2016-ish, and even then, i still dont know very much about myself and what i actually want. i went into history because it was what i was into at the time i started college and is a general interest of mine, but its hard to find work without trying to find a job in education (which id classify as being high-stress and low-pay) or law (which id classify as high-stress and high-pay), which also requires me to take more or extra schooling. the only other clear path is academia and i dont really feel like id like academia either. so i really dont know where to go and while its easy to convince literally any random person the merits of my major in almost any context, i rarely see job listings that look for things i feel like i qualify in.

it also doesnt help that i, even against my better understanding, cant help but look to my friends and get a little jealous that it seems like in certain ways they have their lives more figured out than i do. and i know this is a paranoid thought that has very little basis in reality, but i also feel like a lot of people just know their way in the world a lot better than i do, but i dont know how to ask for help in a way that is more substantive than just asking for advice. my parents are a dead end because neither of them seem to understand how the world seems to work anymore (something both of them have admitted), so what usually ends up is that theyll send some well meaning advice my way that really doesnt solve the problem but does seem like it might.

and i hate to admit it but i feel like such a fuck-up whenever i have to say ive never had a job and cant (and really dont want to!) drive. i know ive lived a relatively charmed life but i feel like i have no idea where im going and eventually im going to run straight off a cliff and die, all without ever knowing what i actually want to do with my life and how to be a person. my indecisiveness when approaching a job search really belies that i dont want to do it, and when i do i get suicidally depressed and just want to run off somewhere. im very keenly aware of the fact that that in and of itself is a privilege i have, that i never had to work to support my family or myself, but it wears on me every day i dont do something about it

[rainbowgothdisaster]

My point isn't about weather Hunter being alone is incorrect. My point is that if Hunter fans have different interpretations about the saltine cracker, like him for different reasons, etc. what's the point in talking about them like this. Like they are a unified group that have anything in common besides liking a character? It's an odd thing to do. Do you feel like this about fans of other characters from other shows?

Not a Hunter fan btw, just find this strange.

so, just going off the rants i saw from the ppl i used to follow, and having followed them before that and seen their comments about hunter before that, there are hunter stans that contradicted themselves once that episode came out.

i 100% saw some ppl who are too attached to the weakass hunter & luz sibling relationship, go and be like "why would dana do this? the crew is so cruel! he has no one!" despite CONSTANTLY drawing/writing/talking about luz and hunter, or willow and hunter, or gus and hunter, or amity and hunter, or camilla and hunter, or vee and hunter, or edric and hunter (bc saltine cracker needed a graham cracker apparently), and while wed only seen 5/7 canonically until that episode, there wasnt any actual doubt about how camilla would accept the new kids before that (we didnt know much about vee, so i accepted that they could have a rocky relationship. seemingly they dont.) and flapjack dies in the last like 5th of the episode, so thats 6 family/friends that were present and these ppl talked about before. thats 6 family/friends that these ppl immediately ignored once it benefitted their vision of their uwu soft boy.

im nnot denying that some hunter stans only believe one or the other, but im nnot gunna add qualifiers to a silly comment.

there are at least SOME hunter stans that believe both. also

do you feel like this about other characters from other shows?

only when the fans are annoying as fuck or flat out bigots. like hunter fans. like i havent seen a hunter fan that isnt annoying. if i never read about how hes an autistic-coded, abused, PTSD victim with an emotional support bird again, itll be too soon.

[hoarder-of-stories-27]

Helloooooooooo! we're a (traugmatic) osdd system and we wanted to reach out and ask a few questions, hope thats okay lol. i know youre traugmatic and anti-endo, and my questions are about endo systems so if that makes yall uncomfortalbe feel free to not read and ignore lol.

so i dont really get how endo systems work? like we split because we couldnt cope and develop into one person i guess and honestly we kind of hate being a system. like dont get me wrong its a good coping mechanism and it works for us but there are also a lot of things about it that suck. so i dont really get why anyone would want to be a system.

i guess what were asking is do you know of any resources about endo systems? cause we always thought that endo systems were traug systems that either didnt remember their trauma or htought their trauma didnt count as trauma. is that wrong?

again, feel free to ignore lol

keep up the freaking amazing work!

thanks,

a traug system confused about endos

We're absolutely not anti-endo!! Endogenic systems are safe here - or, we'll do our best to make sure they are. (Is there something that made you think we were anti-endo? 😭 I don't want this blog to be hostile to people with any experience of plurality.) I'm not uncomfortable at all with this question, I just... don't know a lot. Our stance is "a lot of people, including people we know personally and trust, say they're part of endogenic systems, so we believe them."

I'm so sorry you hate being a system. ;-; I can relate to that a little - I used to feel very negatively about being a system, mostly due to interpersonal troubles with a headmate - but right now, things are good for us, and we no longer qualify as being disordered, despite being traumagenic. So from the perspective of a system that does want to be a system: healthy, happy plurality is possible. I hope you get there someday, or integrate, or whatever would be best for you.

From my limited knowledge on endogenic systems: some systems report spiritual origins, some systems report that they developed a tulpa on purpose (though I know at least one traumagenic tulpa), and I think I've heard of systems who report that they have always been a system without any childhood trauma.

It is true that some systems believe that they're endogenic and later discover that they're traumagenic, but I don't believe it makes sense to claim that all endogenic systems are that way. There is no way to prove that every single system claiming to be endogenic is actually traumagenic. It is much more likely that humanity is complex and that current psychological knowledge does not completely cover every experience.

The claim that all endos are secretly traumagenic comes from a place of belief before evidence, not evidence before belief. I am in favor of these types of beliefs only when they do not harm others - for example, believing that a god exists without having any proof of it, but not pushing that belief on others. The claim that endos do not exist is an example of a belief that does harm others: it denies the reported experiences of a vulnerable group of people.

I'm sorry, I don't have any resources. I really don't know a lot about this - I've talked to people in endogenic systems, and I've reasoned through things on my own, but that's about it. I hope this helps anyway - and if anyone who sees this has resources to share, please by all means add on!

[sovpologist]

hi, genuine question! I want to like Mara, but d2 lore shows her, in my eyes, as selfish and cruel, set on her own goal with no consideration for others. At least that's what I got from marasenna lorebook.

Why is she liked by so many in community? I feel like I'm overlooking something over things I mentioned above, but I would appreciate a perspective from someone who likes her character! If it's okay to ask!

its totally okay to ask!! this is going to be a long post so im going to put it under a readmore :)

i just want to stress first that mara is like.... widely disliked by many in the community. it used to be very unpopular to like her and if you even said anything remotely positive about her, people would reply to your posts and send you anons about how you were a terrible person for liking such a manipulative and toxic character. it was only recently that community opinion kind of started to shift, and people started to actually appreciate her character as nuanced and interesting. i definitely dont think this is because of me or anything crazy like that, but ive tried to correct misconceptions about her and cultivate a space on my blog at least where people can just openly like mara and not feel like they have to qualify it by constantly assuring people that they know mara's done bad things too (because literally every character in d2 has done bad things, and somehow people understand that liking the uldren doesnt mean you support him killing cayde but cant apply that same concept to mara for some reason). ok, im getting off my soapbox now and im going to just talk about why i like her.

mara is genuinely just such a fascinating character to me. reading the marasenna im really struck by how alone she is, even as a 19 year old human. her mom has essentially abandoned her and says that she's mara's friend but not her mother, and mara's father is never mentioned, so mara literally has no parental guidance or supervision or love. this puts a lot more of her pre-awoken actions into context, such as her not knowing how to interact with people and preferring to keep herself away from the rest of the crew. everyone mara loves leaves her. her mom stays in the distributary, uldren is distant in his efforts to impress and surprise her and then dies, and sjur dies too.

i also love mara's character arc, although it kind of makes me sad. mara is so painfully human in the earlier parts of the marasenna. she's awkward, she's lonely, she thinks her and uldren's secret language is "cool," she gets embarassed at her mom's embarrassing petnames, she hero-worships alis li and listens to her advice. watching her lose all of this and crystalize into a queen is so interesting. remember, mara didn't go out into the fight between the darkness and the traveler bc she knew she would gain power and create the awoken, its stated that she went out there to die. so a 19 year old just trying to die peacefully ends up witnessing firsthand the power of the dark and light and being tasked with essentially creating a new species, knowing that one day she wants to go back and fight the darkness. she becomes such a politician and has to scheme and plot and really loses her humanity while following ALIS' advice- alis was the one who told her that people need a mascot, not a friend. this also makes for a really interesting scene where alis grants mara one favor, and instead of asking for political power, even though mara is such an intensely political and scheming person, she tells alis the truth about the awoken and asks for forgiveness. alis, who mara looked up to, doesnt forgive her, and mara really internalizes this and starts to permantantly close herself off. mara made herself into a queen and lost her humanity in the process. there's a couple people who see the real her, like sjur, but even sjur doesnt really understand her. but her relationship with sjur is also so well written and interesting, sjur being the one person she lets herself drop her mask around and just act human. i made a post about this once, but even mara's speech patterns change around sjur, becoming much more casual and "normal." however, at the same time, mara's mask/persona is a part of her character, and one that i love. people hate her for being "mean," but i like characters like that. mara doesnt take any shit, even from the protagonist, and has her own plans and goals that she doesn't feel obligated to share or change for other people. she's ambitious, sticks to her guns, and doesn't allow other people to influence her.

you say she's selfish, and i think it is easy to brush her off as selfish and doing everything for her own gain, but there's a lot of subtext and outright text in the marasenna and other lore that shows mara genuinely believes that the only way to fight the darkness is to become a being on the same level as the darkness and the traveler. she doesn't let the awoken become immortal gods, which some people regard as a bad thing, but she did that for a reason. mara understands that a people who are eternal and ageless will never grow as people, and she knew that the darkness wanted them to just be complacently sitting aside in their little realm while it does whatever it wants. mara wasn't going to let that happen, and knew she had to find a way to encourage people to leave paradise. you can dislike the way she went about this, essentially encouraging conflict and war among her people, but she did not just do it for her own gain or amusement. mara has also been hated on for starting the reef war/firing a missile at the house of wolves, people act like she did that just for fun too, but the eliksni fleet was heading to conquer earth. instead of just hiding and building up her own resources, which wouldve been the logical thing to do in this situation, mara put her own fleet and power on the line to draw the eliksni's attention away and help earth. she doesn't do things solely bc they benefit her, but because she genuinely loves and wants to help earth. her uncaring persona is a mask, the thing that she feels she needs to be for people to have faith in her.

i have more to say but this is already so long and ive said a lot, so i'll end it here :) at the end of the day, some people are just not going to like mara and thats totally fine. she's not everyone's type, bc she IS ambitious and manipulative and sometimes cruel. i just wish she didnt get a disproportionate amount of hate for being like that when i know for a fact that if she was a male character she would not get this much hate, and i wish that people could just dislike her normally without lying about her or misinterpreting her character and motivations. but if you dont like her, you dont like her! sometimes we just dislike characters, sometimes for well thought out reasons snad sometimes just for no reason! thats completely fine, as long as you're respectful!!

[thebigqueer]

speaking of the sadie thing,,,, i think rr focuses too much on romantic relationships?? like, even in the other books, the halfbloods didnt need to all date, i didnt like that literally all of them were dating, you dont need to be in a relationship to be happy, which i think rr doesnt realize. also they were cousins,, the gods not having dna thing was such bs. half the 7 were okay single

hi anon! this has been in my asks for a few days, so i’m sorry for the wait. i’m assuming this is the post you’re referring to. 

also, before i go into this, i just want to say that these are just my opinions. others may have different ones.

anon, i really do agree with you on this. i’ve talked about this on a lot of posts but it makes me a little upset every time i think about the ways rick fucked up relationships. some of them were fine - like percabeth - because they had an actual base and their story made sense. (not that i’m saying they’re the only ship you can ship, though - totally up to who you want to ship percy & annabeth with, i’m just talking about canon context). 

i feel like the place where rick’s idea of “you need a relationship to be happy” is especially prominent with leo’s relationship with calypso. he already had issues (and potential for actual character development) about being the seventh wheel. putting him with calypso honestly ruined both of their arcs. i’m honestly glad they’re taking a “break” in trials of apollo now because their relationship was really unnecessary. leo’s character arc could have surrounded the fact that he needed to love himself for who he was first, or maybe get some clarity on his past, but rick decided that in order to solve leo’s “problem” of not loving himself for being the only single character on the ship (before nico came along), he’d need a girlfriend.

(also, if you’re interested, here is a post that goes into a different way that I wish would have gone with leo and calypso.)

also, frazel? i didn’t like that. hazel is literally 13/14 (fourteen is more likely I think). while people her age do date, i just feel like her relationship with frank wasn’t necessary to the plot? she’s still young - not to invalidate people her age who do date, but i still don’t think that he needed to put her in a relationship. 

a bigger issue of mine is also that he’s putting 13yo girls in a relationship at all? with guys who are a few years older? sadie, walt, and anubis for example - anubis was a literal god, so he’s even centuries old. walt’s age is honestly complicated because the wiki says he’s sixteen, other people say he’s 14, and apparently his age jumped around in one of the books, so i don’t really know what to say about him. if he is 16, though, then yeah that qualifies as i don’t like it. 

i loved that there was poly rep, but he didn’t do a good job of it by pairing sadie with guys who are older than her (and one who’s actually thousands of years old!)

i just overall really don’t like his mentality towards romantic relationships. the biggest problem, i think, is that he put so little emphasis on friendship and promoted romance so much. incorporating the importance of friendship honestly would have been such a great investment to make into his books! can you imagine all the different moments we could have had with all the seven? leo and percy? jason and annabeth? piper and percy? maybe even some more interaction with nico and the others?

there are some arguments where people say that the idea of demigods finding their soulmates at a young age isn’t a terrible idea. i don’t have much of an opinion on that argument, to be honest, but the issue isn’t that demigods have soulmates. it’s that he puts way too much emphasis on their romantic relationships. sure, they can have soulmates! i don’t mind that at all! but it’s the way he paired almost everyone off that annoys me, and the only people who are single are either super important girls (rachel), girls in the hunters, gods (apollo), and 12 year olds (meg). besides that i don’t really remember many single people. 

i think another argument is that, since he was writing heroes of olympus (where these relationship problems are most prevalent) in the early 2010s (which was vastly different compared to later 2010s), he was probably catering to the audience. that may also be true. and i guess if you consider reyna before trials of apollo, she was also one of the only main people to stay single by the end of the series. but i think the point stands that he still does romanticize romantic relationships too much. reyna may be an outlier (and even then, she ends up joining the hunters if you’ve read trials of apollo) but that doesn’t take away from the fact that a lot of the relationships in the riordanverse aren’t even necessary - they’re just ways for rick to give the characters a “happy ending.” (newsflash - relationships don’t solve everyone’s problems.)

demigods can find soulmates. i don’t care about that. i just wish he put more light on the beauty of friendship and stopped pairing almost everyone off. can’t someone be single just for the sake of being single? do they have to be doing something important? 

[nestable]

Feminism in ACOTAR

(This is a bit long so bare with me)

As a politics student and general member of the public who's curious about feminist themes, I've read a lot of feminist writings which have informed my opinion in saying that none of the acotar books can be described as feminist.

I've noticed that the big motivator behind describing the books as feminist is feyres appointment of High lady. Though that may be pivotal in prythian history, we cant ignore the fact that it is still a fairly patriachal society. Having a few women in places of power like mor, amren, feyre etc. Is not enough because women don't grow up on an island and are also influenced by patriachal views or mindsets. In short, just because someone is a woman and is in a position of power, doesnt mean that they will cater to the needs of women or are feminist. Women, especially white women(this is important because sjms writes white feminism) have often gotten into positions of power and actually ignored women and done the same that their male predecessors have done and often threw other women under the bus in order to retain their tokenism status. And the main flaw of white feminism which is the reason why it coined the term 'white feminism' is that it doesnt encompass all the intersectionalities that women reside in and only focus on a western model of what it means to be a woman and anything outside of that is backward and 'barbaric. We see this in the judgement and disregarding of POC's experiences and outlooks on life because they are different to theirs. There are more than enough examples of the white women in the series judging the illyrians which are seen by the fandom as POC's and how they maliciously drag their customs through the mud. Instead of getting these views from illyrian women themselves, we get them from white women who arent connected to that culture whatsoever and who have nothing to say except judgement and critique instead of actually helping.

We see this with the white characters views of illyrian cultures and their conclusion of the condition of women without even having a single conversation with illyrian women. Illyrian women in this set up have no agency and no voice and that leaves the women of the IC to speak for them which is counterproductive. This is wrong in that many western cultures have misinterpreted different cultures and ignored the women in those societies as being disenfranchised and have used this as an excuse to invade and colonize under the guise of liberating women when in actual fact they dont care about the women at all, and are only concerned in reaping the benefits of that culture and keeping them under their control. An example of this is rhys ignoring the treatment of illyrian women but reaping the benefit of having illyrians fight in his wars.

Feyre as high lady

It's unfair to judge feyres actions as high lady as yet because we've barely seen her act, but from the little that we know, she follows Rhys' every action and decision without question. And rhys hasn't done anything for the improvement of women's position socially or economically at all (we all know the state of the illyrian camps) in all the 500 yrs he's been high lord. Apart from Rhys, the inner circle has 2 women in the highest leadership positions and even they havent done anything and have even ignored the plight of women under their jurisdiction, (mor with Hewn city) I dont even think amren cares about anything besides her jewels tbh. So it's fair to assume that feyre will follow in those very footsteps. She already has biased and low views on the illyrians and people who reside in hewn city to the point where she participates in the 'pimp and whore' act that she puts on t deal with them. And we've never seen her speak to illyrian women so to her their voices and autonomy dont matter.

Male feminism in the IC

The only male who can be seen as being feminist in the series is Cassian because aside from simply declaring that wing clipping is illegal, he actually does the ground work to ensure it doesn't happen by offering the women to train with him. Though this is a weak cure for the issues the women face in Illyria, it's a start and far more work than anything the other characters have done in the name of women empowerment.

Another so called feminist figure in the series is rhysand. Why he's described as such defeats me, but I'll go through some points to prove that hes nothing of the sort.

1. He created a library for sexual assault survivors.

Though this is a nice effort, it can't be described as feminism because he doesnt extend the same courtesy to the other women in his territory and is only concerned with women in Velaris. Supporting women who worship you isnt feminism isnt feminism either and we know that the entirety of Velaris see the IC as blameless gods. Based on mors history, its obvious that the women in hewn city are suffering just as much if not more but hes forsaken them to live under mors parents/abusers rule. And creating a safe house for sexual assault survivors isnt as much feminism as it is human decency. Especially considering how much money hes got.

2. Banning illyrian wing clipping

Wing clipping is still a pandemic in the illyrian camps meaning that he didnt put enough provisions to ensure that it stops. Passing a law and ensuring that it is followed are two different things and rhys clearly dowsnt know the distinction. An additional point regarding illyrian women is that it was mentioned in acofas that they were joining the men in rebelling, and if that doesnt say anything about their feelings with him being high lord and how he doesnt cater to them, then I dont know what does. This also speaks to the point of the assumption that women of color dont have agency in their own societies. He said something like the men 'manipulated' the women into joining their rebellion, which insinuates that they can't think for themselves and are completely voiceless and this is a factor of whit feminism, the belief that WOC colour cant speak for themselves and are meek and susetable to being controlled or manipulated. It is a huge possibility that the women can't really express their opinions because they are suppressed by their men, however we dont see rhys interacting with any women and getting their opinion on things. He assumes that they are forced into everything and though we havent gotten the book yet I'm gonna say this is false. The reason being if rhys was such a good high lord and cared for women's issues, why would the women side with their 'abusive' men instead of their so called benevolent high lord?

3. Rhys appointed women in his IC

First of all, appointing women based on merit and qualifications is feminism, not appointing family members and you underaged bride just because 'you love her'. Though mor and amren may be qualified, and that's a massive 'maybe', they haven't done anything to improve the lives of women. Like their high lord they are complacent and Hewn city and illyria are more than enough to prove this. What rhys has essentially done is nepotism and corruption and no one can convince me otherwise.

Going further on the inner circle women, rhys was willing to sacrifice these very women to achieve his goal and this is self serving and anti feminist. The first being abusing feyre UTM and then using her as bait for the attor, then later making a deal with eris even though he knows his history with mor. If anyone believes that these actions are remotely feminist or excusable, then feminism is not for you and need help because its abusive and patriachal.

In conclusion rhys isnt feminist, mor isnt feminist, amren isnt feminist, feyre isnt feminist, azriel isnt even in the conversation and cassian is the only one scratching the surface. Also, white feminism is an exclusive and limited way to portray and execute feminism, women getting leadership positions based on their proximity to men just advances the false notion that women can only succeed if they 'sleep' their way to the top and just because a woman is in a leadership space, thag doesnt make that state of affairs inherently feminist because women are also carriers of patriarchy.

I tried to sum up my points but for more on white feminism, feminist intersectionalites and how being female doesnt make a person feminist, I advice you read Bell Hooks' writings because she touches on these topics in far better ways than I can.

[petewentzisblack1312]

no see i wanted you to keep going its great!!!! haha. and yeah same about being on here w her and leaving then coming back lol. what was your old url i may have followed you??? and i feel like i know the poetry you mean and while i am white that is absolutely insane to hear because i also read it as being about his blackness????? did white bandom really manage to whitewash that??? like maybe its because (unlike a lot of ppl on here it seems like) i have real life black friends around me all the time and grew up with black folks but i find it strange even still if just from a critical thinking perspective djdjsjxjsj. like i am pea brain but STILL wtf lol. anyway... re: the photoshopping.... what is his actual skintone? im kind of confused by the photos you posted in regards to the editing bc i just really don’t understand saturation etc rip. ANYWAY feel free to ramble more i literally adore learning about it. like i dont need more whitewashed pete content i want who he really is. it makes my heart so full i love him so much 😢

im glad you enjoy hearing me ramble about this haha!!! i had a couple urls that i was known by. i was deadnarrival, soulpunkboxes and diykordie at various points in time, although the last one was the one i deactivated under. i went by just mellie at the time, although now i go by dils more often (though mellie is still my name and is short for my full first name, amelia)

wrt the poetry, its possible that people didnt so much as miss the blackness as much as they didnt feel qualified to bring it up at all?? and while its fair to not discuss it, it was really alienating for no one to even mention race at all. i wasnt friends with any black fob fans at the time, the ones i knew of had moved on bc they felt kind of unwelcome, which is pretty common in all subcultures, so i was just like reading people talk about how sad and emotional it was like he was some kicked puppy and then reading this poem full of tangible anger and resentment and frustration and a desire to fix the world and a desire to not be part of whats broken and it was like. damn. yall just see sadboi shit?? wild.

ANYWAY to address your questoon about skin tone, to tldr, saturation is how bright a colour is. 100% saturation is pure colour, while 0% saturation is pure grey, so lowering the saturation makes colours duller. exposure is the amount of light a photo, so low exposure makes a picture look too dark, and high exposure makes it look too bright, and can make everything look white, or at least much lighter. so lowering the saturation makes colours duller, raising the exposure makes the image paler, doing both... ya.

but here are some pics where petes not edited or isnt super pale!!! as a rule of thumb on the red carpet or next to people who are darker than him pete will probably look darker. black fob fans pass these around like currency lmao. these are mostly early pics bc theres definitely more later ones but these are what i have saved.

that last one is a super special rare pic of pete when he was in arma playing cards outside of a convenience store. his melanin is POPPIN.

something that compounds this is that a lot of filters on social media like insta and snapchat are live action whitewashing. like itll be like "beautify✨" and then you r 5 shades lighter and your nose is slimmed down.

[uwuowotf2waslife]

The mercs with an s/o who is on the autism spectrum? If you want to

 as a person with diagnosed autism( ASD that later changed to SCD but concidering my countrys lack of proper diagnosis and non-existant support when i was growing up, im not sure,it might was a result of chronic abuse or i was a really weird kid) its my duty to answer this ask,

always know that you are perfect with all your imperfections 

just because maybe your brain is wired different it doest make you less of a person

you are poetry

Scout

-my boy has adhd ( probably undiagnosed until he was examined by Medic) so you two might have a little problem at the begining.

-he might be the closest to a jack russel in human form, but he cares about you and is willing to sit down and do his research so he can understand you and your struggles. He isn’t a hypocrite, he is a hyperenergetic bundle of daddy issues and is sure he will annoy you from time to time, he annoys pretty much everyone except his mom on rare occasion, he is a hanfull and he knows that years now. But he also has come to understand that everyone has struggles and little things that make them more special than others.

-if you have problems with communication , he’ll be your mouth .Problems with sensory overstimulation? he will escort you to the safest place and hug you tighter than he thought hes capable of. People mistreating or bullying/insult you? the bat is in his hands and his ready to hit home runs on their balls. You might not be the perfect couple, you will struggle like every couple and have fights and arguments, but he is ready to phase every difficulty that comes on your way. He loves you and he is here for the ride even if its bumpy.

Soldier

-( I and i think a big part of the community claim he is actually autistic) Probably the most tricky of the mercs, since at one side he might completely relate/understand you and the relationship go smoother than soft butter on bread, or he might have problems communicating the relationship problems with you.

-as all relationships you two must sit down and communicate your problems. Believe me he isn’t mentally retarded ( a horrible misconsumption ive seen being thrown around), yes he is stubborn and can’t read social cues to save his life, but he is a loyal beefcake with a golden heart hardened by a lifitime of war. He knows he isn’t the perfect man, he has nightmares and panic attacks on the regualr after so much trauma in his life. But he also knows that if he S/O needs him, it doesnt matter if its a small or big thing, he is ready to go through hell and back to make them happier or more comfortable 

-you can’t stand loud noises? copy that privet, he will stop yelling/ screaming around you. Certain things make you uncomfortable/ anxious? hes at your side and he is ready to snap necks...you have his heart and his adoration, he ain’t a coward or a pansy, you’ll win over any challenge that comes your way like the absolute unit you are and he is there to assist

Pyro

-fresh from the start they can recognise you have autism, i lowkey think they might be ( actually in young adults asd and mild schizophrenia can be mixed and confused by not good qualified doctors, its been years since i read that study so correct me if im wrong) or have really good gut insticts. Either way, they know you are struggling and trie in subtle ways to help you

-did an important call without stuttering? hug and smooch on the crown of your head, completed all your work/homework? they will cover you in stickers and cuddle you in their pillowfort, stood up for yourself? my girl theyll make a huge cupcake tray and youll two will eat while watching sappy disney films

- you won’t struggle as much, i see them as more easy going than other members of the team. But they also have big issues that may create problems in the relationship that you both need  to work on. They are more than a handfull and they aren’t unaware of it, they spended years locked inside their own head doing god-knows how vile and harming things to their mentality and body, they can’t believe they are alive and they wake up every day next to the most beautifull human being they have come across their lif, ( Y/n). You will bond slow but strong , you are their sunshine and theyll make sure their sunshine shines no matter what they have to do

Engie

( lowkey i think is canon he has some form of high-functioning autism, just hide its behind the southern warm and soft hospitality)

- when you confess, he hugs you ( a big thing coming from him since i dont consider him a touchy fella)  and returns the confession that he is too. He knows each person experiences different so he won’t press you for explanations or description of what you have is excactly. He just assures whatever happens, he is there to help you with

- doesn’t really change how he views you, but he takes the initiative for things like talking to strangers, calling to order or things that you struggle with, but he doesnt baby you. You are an adult person and will be treated as that, even if sometimes he feels he needs to “help” or “protect” you

-one of the most  easy going of the mercs, but his work is his priority so there will be long arguments about it. He understands your frustation, but he is a workaholic years now before you came in his life and can’t bring himself to change that. His work is his routine, the only comfort he knows and the only place that accepted him for who he is. But, he will be more elastic and have more breaks/ days off even if it means the project will be finished an hour or two later, unless it has an urgent deadline. He knows he can be very cold and emotionless, he is an engineer, not a spy for that reason. Furthermore he has his own times when he is stubborns or has an anger explosion because something broke/didnt meet his expectations or got way too invested into something that turned to be worthless/ uselless so he isn’t the one to judge if you are in a sour mood or you have your own “ explosion”. After all said and done, late at night when you are both alonein his workshop he will just cradle you in his arms and make a silence promise to always be there for you through thin and thick ( as we say to go through 40 waves and 40 more ) because you are something that no machine or creation can emulate or recreate, you are ( Y/N) and you are the love of his life.

Demo

-arguably one of the three more knowledgable of the mercs in the topic of mental health department. Being raised in an orphanage i doubt he didnt had at least a dozen other kids who had from high to moderate to severe autism ( during the 20th century it wasnt uncommon for people with autism to be thought less human or that the family of said people couldn’t provide for them in severe cases so theyd be dropped on orphanages and psychiatric hospitals)., so he has some first hand experiene with what autism is. It isn’t something for him in all honesty, after so much trauma and hardship in his life he is at peace that peopleare different and their brains are rarely wired the same

-he also know he isn’t ideal, he acts really stupid when he is drunk and his alcohol consumption alone is a very big problem for any relationship he ever had in his life and i doubt he is the image of psychological perfection, but he also knows that if you are willing to keep him around you have seen him wasted out of his mind, he is more than willing to put up with anyof your quirks or difficulties.

-you want to stim? go ahead he’ll leave the room/the house so you can stim to your hearts content, you want to stay? sure thing lass, hell sit in a corner and drink a bit while you have your thing. Work/ school/ home life is stress full and you are in the verge of a breakdown? he has already wrapped you like a burrito and he is holding you while you cry/vent, you dont want to be touched at that moment? hell take you to an open field and you can blow things up to get all those feelings out of you. He isn’t ideal, he is at peace with that, but now that you appeared in his life, you became the apple of his eye. He’ll cherish you and protect you both as body but as a mind and a soul for whatever shit life throws at you, he was never one to back down a challenge.

Heavy

-due to the language barrier and his nature as a quiet man it’ll take him some time. If you bring it up he’ll simply nod and run to Medic or Spy for translation. He isn’t shy to do a doctors worth of research so he knows what he has to deal with, he knows his english is broken and would prefer to have a migraine over the amount of books hes read than make you feel uncomfortable. Probably will ask advice from Medic ( the most qualified on the team) untill hes satisfied he knows enough.

-probably the sanest of the mercs, but he isn’t perfection. He had to endure famine and death from very early in his life, always be the stone his family anchored on and most people on his life, so he has his own big problems. At one side he is used to so many things, he is somewhat indiferent. You aren’t harming anyone nor its life threatening, so it doesnt really change what he feels about you. All people have flaws, noones perfect and if they do think they are perfect, they are very, very wrong. I won’t lie to you, some times hell get confuse with your behavior or will get tired of being the “ anchor” of the relationship, but he will never admit it. He survived the Gulags and years in Siberia, this is nothing but a walk in the park for him. He isn’t a fuckboy, he doesn’t want you just for some fuck and then hell forget you exist, he is much more sentimental than he appears to be. He beginned this with you because he sees you more than a body, he sees you as someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with even if itll be a challenge, he was never a quiter and he wont be now.

- don’t expect much communication help from him, unless its in russian. But whenever you feel the tiniest bit of self-doubt or anxiety his arms are open to embrace and warm you with  his love. He might was raised among anarchy and war, but he is a gentle giant with a heart bigger than Russia herself. He knows you two will struggle especially on the communication domain but he is willing  to do what it takes to make your life easier/ less challenging. He came here to stay, only if you allow him 

Medic

-Arguably the most medically qualified of the mercs, but considering the era of his studies hes at least rusty on modern terminology and general understanding of what autism is. Nontheless his a doctor ( with or without a medical license) and i doubt he ever followed the rules of ethical and unethical medicine. He is a healer primeraly and he can’t claim to be the most mentaly stable of the team.

-he might be many things, he knows hes at least crazy by normal standards and has made extremely questionable choices in his life,but he cares for the people he is close to, lovers and collagues alike. He won’t try to ‘change’or ‘medicate’ you; unless you specifically ask him for, like yes he has defied any sort of ethical medicine and has played god many times in his life, but he knows that if he changes you, you won’t be ‘you’. You will be you still, but nothing more than a lobotomized version of yourself and he fears that. Let’s be real, he probably choosed you because you are a smart individual ( that includes both street and book smarts alike) so if he “killed” your smart he would essentially kill you and this doesnt sit well with him.

-feeling down? no worries, the doctor is here ( afterhe finis hes re-connecting snipers new kidneys). Stressed? Archimedes will be your own personal cheerleader and the rest of the flock won’t let you all stressed and alone while Medic is working. In the simplest of works,he wants you to know that  he might be a madman on the field and the medbay, but he is also your lover and that means he cares about you. He doesnt care if act a lil strange or you have some special things about you, guess what? he doesnt cares. H e never cared and he will never cared, all the greatest minds had something  special about them and you are no exception. He chosed to have a relationship with  you and you accepted the love request of a surgery-happy maniac , im sure he is beyond equiped to handle you in all aspects. He might not be the most touchy but he will make his point across that you are someone who means wayy to much for him to change

Sniper

- ( i highly think he is autistic, just the way hes potrayed in most fanfics he acts lowkey autistic, mostly in the communication and sociable part) growing up in the middle of nowhere probably he has never even heard ‘autism’ as a word , so his very lost. (another headcanon of mine is that he is also iliterate) You need to explain to him what autism is and how it affects your life. He has a non-pleasant expression on his face, because he realises most things that you say what that “autism”is and the thing it has are things he actually  has and felt throughout his life. He looks like hes having a religious expierience and when you are done he only nods and hugs you almost mechanically.

-he will need some time, not because ofyou, but because of him. You might think he is breaking up with, butin reality he just needs some time alone to sit down and think about all the things you said. Its one of the biggest revalations he has experienced on his life and it has hit him like a wall of bricks.

- after a few days he will return to the base and will ask you to meet with him on the most secluded of his snipers nest. While you prepare for the upcoming breakup, he actually showers and wears somet hing nice for the first time in a while. He goes out of his way to make the sniper nest a bit more “ comfortable” even bribe spy into giving him one of his fancy wines. Once you go up the nest and you two meet, he is the most clingy he has ever been and almost drinks the whole bottle out of pure anxiety. Once his tipsy enough he actually confesses that from the things you said, he found out hes also autistic. Que him basically clinging you like a broken koala baby while half-sobbing to expell all the tension he  has inside him. Please pet his hair and rub his back,he will melt and quit his rugged manly man persona for that moment. He needs you there, he needs your soft touch to ground him while his whole life comes crushing down and a weight he never imagined is being lifted from his shoulders.After that, its quaranteed you two won’t be seperated ever again, he needs you to ease all this pain he has gathered from his troubled life and he will provide you the world and the stars.

Spy

- he knows what autism is( as a spy he should know about human psychology/mental disorders just to know how to impersonate any person with or without issues) and he is a very observant man. He has above average attention span and knows how to read body language so he has figured you are autistic a long time ago. He is just waiting for you to open up about it or confess it, but he also knows the social stigma around autism so he keeps his mouth shut because he really doesn’t want you  to feel uncomfortable or ‘naked’ in front of him

- i heavily headcanon him to be at least depressed/having an ugly anxiety disorder or even a dissosiative disorder considering a big part of his life is carefully crafted theater , so he can’t say he is any more better than you.Furthermore he never really cared about what society thinks about mental ilnesses, whos here to judge who sane and not? he has seen so much shady things behind closed doors of “ pure” people he has lost all respect for what society thinks its normal and what is weird or not acceptable. Yes he follows the rules of “good” society but thats more of a habit than a need. Plus have you seen what the good ol’ society behind close doors? yap youll need a good bible study and some church to wash away the sins.

-eventually when you confess to him,he doesn’t really act. He knows its a heavyemotinal moment for you but he can’t open up for his own problems, at least now. But he will embrace you for now and say all the sweet words you need to hear...untill the same time he gets drunker than he can and confesses to you in french all his psychological troubles while he cries on your chest. He won’t let go unless he wants to vomit and he will cling to you for dear life while he experiences one of the ugliest meltdowns he has experienced in the last decade. Probably will wake up with a monster of a hangover, but once he feels you wrapped around him and feel your heartbeat on the bones of his back something will meltin him. He will gather whatever strenght he has, turn around, give you one of the most genuine smiles he has ever given in his entire life and peck your lips bore he starts whining and requiesting you to either kill him or fetch medic. Perhaps one day hell say all the things he wants to say in you mother tongoue but for now, just know he will cherish you and love you like the most exquisite poetry that has graced his life

[mayabishopapologist]

station 19 - season 4, etc

this is long but i want to put down my thoughts before thursday comes and i guess i have A Lot To Say.

honestly didn’t pay much attention to this show until halfway through season two—  always liked maya and was glad that they gave her more to do. going into season 3, i was excited for more character development &stronger storylines. however, by the end of  301 the dip in quality was glaringly obvious. a quick google search revealed that there was a new showrunner and, well, it showed. 

while the show had been going in a really good direction with balancing the screen time between andy and the other regulars, this season, the plot was all over the place. it was uber dramatic and just. so much happened just to happen? seemed like every other episode had a major event(deaths alone; ryan,rigo,pruitt?!!?). they were so frequent, it was hard to process. it was also hard to get invested as the characters themselves moved on(or were shown to have moved on, extremely quickly!) 

i enjoy the show for what it is and i have no delusions about broadcast tv shows (or shondaland productions, for that matter)but the suspension of disbelief.... i mean: a stabbing, a robbery, a shooting and a car crash? all in one episode? please! lmaooooo. drama for dramas sake is always boring and weakens the story.  

& as for the characters... .

everyone felt like a hollow version of themselves this season and it was hard to watch sometimes, actually. characters switched motivations /personalities for the sake of the current episode and i know this show is very ‘monster/emergency of the week’ but. some consistency! please! like—

maya: she’s always been determined and focused but they went so far with it this season, it was almost cartoonish. her competitiveness was hinted at in season 2 but she was always portrayed as self aware. ‘the beast,’ as she dubbed it to andy, was something she knew of and tried to contain, because she knew it could get out of hand. 

yet, in season 3 she suddenly forgets this and just. becomes the most power hungry/singularly focused person, ever. she goes after the captain position behind andy’s back, (citing andy’s emotional state, because of the death of her best friend as a reason she shouldn’t get the job?? huh. since when is maya this purely callous??!) she just doesn’t give af, suddenly, about andy at all, and goes for a job that she is hardly qualified for(she was lieutenant for like, a few months?)

and then after she gets the position, she just. loses all sense of reality? literally she was so unhinged(fun to watch but so much) and it was like. um?? maya has never been the uptight one (they've mentioned and depicted andy as being the one like this, multiple times!) and we know she knows how to have fun, so, for her to all of a sudden just. not know how to read the room? yeah okay. to make her so intense and severe, especially w the drills and training was, a choice. a bad one, on the writers part. like, i get that they needed her start as captain to be dramatic or whatever,  but there were ways to do that. and even the animosity with the team and her went so far, i just think that whole storyline was amazingly lazy, honestly.  

and the friendships!! andy and maya’s friendship is just, a mess. at this point they've spent more time at odds, and the idea that they're supposed to be best friends with this super close bond? yeah, i just... i dont buy it tbh. if they'd spent more time building up their connections and making us understand why they would be friends and showing them being there for each other past a few scattered scenes her and there? maybe. but so far, that hasn't been the case.  making that bond real, solidifying that friendship, would have made this conflict have more of an emotional impact. but doing it now? making maya ‘turn’ on andy, this soon and this drastically just. it made her seem like she was extremely jealous and had been waiting to pull the rug out from under andy all along. and also, why would they stay friends when, so far, maya has showed, time and time again, that she’s willing to let her wants/ambitions leech on her loyalty to andy? (jack thing, job thing, etc). although, it’s not like andy’s a good friend to maya either, she’s selfish and seems to like it when maya is in her corner but isnt always there for her. they went so far with the idea that maya was this coldly calculating asshole that she was almost a villain?? it was so silly to me.

and the traumatic home life plot they gave to maya was clearly their attempt at some adding nuance to her character and trying to explain why she would act the way she did, but to me? it fell flat. it was rushed, and they went from zero to 100(why did her mother come to talk about her divorce/abuse at maya’s job? like she was literally working? idgi. no boundaries lmaoo) 

and i actually relate and sympathize w maya a lot. and while i liked that they were exploring the many ways abuse can present itself, it was very... hm, ham-fisted. just super rushed and then wrapped up so quickly. they have, i think, written themselves into this dark place i fear they have no intention of exploring. 

and while i understand it, i hated how far they let maya go, especially because i don't feel they’ll adequately address it. they move on so quickly( maya was deaf for like half a season and then. she just. wasn't) and i hate the idea of her just being ‘fixed’. a relationship and an apology doesn't undo years of abuse, idc. also will they ever address maya’s um, thoughts about death??? because that was super heavy and not just something someone gets over? going to need for her to get actual professional help. that isn’t her girlfriend, like. asap. 

speaking of carina, i do like her and maya together a lot. big part of why i watch, ngl. but i need their relationship to be a lot more reciprocal. like, lets dial it back on the codependency, maybe. carina cant (and shouldn't have to) hold her up so much ! that’s not love. also maya needs to start being a good girlfriend. they started off that way, i know they can get back there. but like, we hardly got to see them settle into it, we got those cute 30sec clips of sweetness then maya was lashing out and cheating and it was like. wait a minute! what??? 

for s4, i want to see them working at reconciling—im talking, groveling, awkward in-between moments where carina isnt sure she can trust her. okay, tough conversations, hell, even jealousy because let's be real. maya working with jack is a lot for carina to just. take? i know i absolutely would not be happy about that, but i also wouldnt take maya back so... anyway! brushing over that would not just be a missed storytelling opportunity, but it would also be super unfair to carina and do a huge disservice to their relationship as a whole. as cute as they are, having cute moments with no real depth would get very old, very quickly.

carina: what can i say but-perfect, amazing, fantastic, WOW

seriously, carina is almost unrealistically perfect. she takes a lot and has been through the most (can they be nice 2 her this season? like just for fun) going forward, im going to need her to be more than a plot device to calm and soothe maya. i get that she was introduced as a love interest, but in season 4(as a season!!regular!!) that cant be all she is.

speaking of, it was really weird to me that she was promoted to station 19 and not greys because... what is a gynecologist going to do at a fire station? the general consensus seems to be that she’ll join warren’s PRT but like. she’s not a general surgeon so that’s a reach but, i want her around so ill buy it. i just want better and more for her tbh. not just screen-time, but also character development and depth! also friends! tired of carina being isolated, they did it on greys which. a waste! i meaaan, amelia was RIGHT. THERE. just look at the material! for s19, i want her, vic and travis to be friends or even just her and vic, like yesplease! i also want to know more about her and im tired of her being treated badly. like, i think society had progressed past carina being shitted on, thanks!

vic: my fave!!! they did so lazy by her this season ugh. she’s so charismatic and charming and just so good!! yet, her storyline was all over the place. we hardly got to see her sit with her grief  (spontaneous crying aside; barrett doss is so good!) she was just kind of... around. and that relationship w jackson. lol. it was so obviously for crossover potential and well. i didnt hate it or like it. actually, i was mostly indifferent. bored, even when they were onscreen together. i just didn't care and wanted more of vic, not vic and whoever. i know they're up in the air rn but i wouldn’t be torn up if he doesn’t come back. 

i want more for vic past just romantic entanglements. i know we’ve gotten a bit of her past, but i would like to see more! also, what about employment accomplishments? her artsy theatre friends? her family? just. more vic, please!!

she’s so fun and cool and when they let her, she shines. they need to let her! 

jack: my boy! so dumb, but i love him sm. he def needs like. major help, though lmao. and maybe it’s just me but im tired of his sex addict plot. like, we get it, but can we move on now? kthanks. they need to let him work on himself especially, the constant self sabotage. it's getting old. for ALL of them, actually, seriously, how many times can they all get in their own way.

andy: don’t really think about her. the mom storyline seems like it would be wonderfully dramatic, im intrigued. she and sullivan are cute, i guess. hope they make it.

ben: no major issues w his storyline, hardly remember it honestly. i liked the rapport he was building w vic and want them to explore that relationship more, its cute. 

travis: so funny and adorable, let him do more.

dean: loved him in all his entitled first born African son glory. i didnt so much love the baby plot but that always bores me. his sudden love for vic though. lol. since when? it def, came out of no where and while i really enjoy their friendship, to me, there is zero romantic chemistry there so i would prefer it if they just. stopped. lmao. also. the way he treated her because he could get a handle on his emotions? ridiculous. has humanity not like, gotten past the ‘he’s mean bc he likes you’ thing?? like grow up maybe?

and this isnt just about dean but like. are there not more single young people in seattle? why do they all have to sleep with the same 5 people. ik for the sake of plot, workplace relationships are easier but still. i think they should branch out. really. 

overall, i want better for all of them, and i think if the writers would just. take a moment and stop trying to tell so many stories in such little time, they could do better! also, whoever’s out there. please, enough w the crossovers! dont want to be forced to watch greys just to know what’s happening on 19. i get that they're in the same universe. it’s only mentioned every other episode. we. get, it. i liked what they did with private practice, it was like once every few seasons. and i know they won’t do that, but maybe, two a season. 

this is so much. but this how does have a ton of potential and i just really want it . like, get there.