#but i can’t help but think what if i am actually entirely healthy forever starting tomorrow????

[chifuyusfingers]

Tokyo Revenger boy's Reaction to you hide that you’re in the Hospital from them, and they find out.

_Mikey | Baji | Chifuyu | Kokonoi | Mitsuya | Sanzu | Shinichiro | Izana | kazutora | Kukucho | Ran | Rindo | Inui_

M i k e y

Mikey would be on a warpath once he found out you were in the hospital.

But when you woke up, he had worn himself out from being angry.

You would wait for him to wake up, and when he did he would be startled to see you awake.

He would ask you so many questions: “You’re awake? Are you okay? Do you hurt anywhere? Do you want me to get a doctor?” Mikey wouldn’t express anger directly at you until after you were discharged.

But he would stay with you as much as he could, and would hardly get any sleep because he was so worried about your well being (even though you weren’t going to stay for that long).

C h i f u y u

Chifuyu would be extremely worried about you. He noticed you were a little sick lately, so when he heard you were in the hospital,

it was a worst case come true. He would instantly go to the hospital and would pick a fight with anyone who tried to deny him entry to visit you. You would wake up and he would be sitting with his head in his hands.

When he noticed you it was instant fretting over you. When you assured him you were fine and that it was something minor, he would sigh and lean back in his chair.

“You think I care that this is something minor? I care that you are here in the hospital and I knew nothing about it! Tell me if you aren’t feeling well and we come here together! But please… Don’t hide this from me.” Chifuyu may get a bit emotional and would tear up.

You would have to soothe him and promise to tell him. He would stay with you in the hospital for the day you had left there, and wouldn’t sleep– both from worrying about you and to make sure you were sleeping alright.

B a j i

Baji would be sitting on the edge of the bed staring at you when you woke up.

His number one concern would be how you were feeling and if you were in any pain. You assured him that it was nothing serious, and he just didn’t seem satisfied with your answer.

“If it was nothing serious, then you could have told me about it. Even if it was something serious, I would like to know this sort of thing. Your health is important to me, so please don’t hide this from me. I think I almost passed out from the shock.”

You would apologize to Baji and said you didn’t want to bother him. “It would bother me so much more if I didn’t know until after the fact!”

You would apologize and acknowledge your mistake. Baji would visit whenever he could find time, and more often than not he would bring you a snack or two in when he came.

K a z u t o r a

Kazutora is the type who would be a bit restless when he arrived. When you woke up he would be asking the doctors what was wrong with you.

When he noticed you were awake, he would direct all of his questions to you. Any attempt to calm him down wouldn’t go well at all.

You would have to talk him down from his anger, and once he was no longer angry, all that was left was worry for you. “How could you not tell me you weren’t feeling well? Why didn’t I tell you to go to the hospital?”

You would have to assure Kazutora that things like this happened and it was your fault for not checking yourself in sooner. “That really doesn’t make me feel better… Nothing will make me feel better until you get to get out of here.”

You would have to mess with Kazutora in order for him to finally crack a smile, albeit a small one. Kazutora would keep you company for the day or two you had to stay in the hospital. He would argue with the doctors if they tried to kick him out, and if they succeeded he would simply sneak back in later.

Shinichiro

Shinichiro would be crying when you woke up. When he heard your voice, he would instantly race to your side as if it was the end of the world.

He would hug you and you would have to repeat over and over how it wasn’t as bad as it may look.

He wouldn’t say much but would try to listen to you. Shin wouldn’t have to say much to you for you to understand that he was deeply hurt, by your decision to not tell him.

He would wear that on his sleeve. Once he stopped crying, he was relieved that it was nothing major and felt silly for crying so much. You would feel bad and promise to tell him how you were feeling truthfully from now on.

He would pick you when you were discharged and wouldn’t leave your side the entire day. “I want to make sure your a hundred percent.”

M i t s u y a

Mitsuya would be silently reading when you woke up. He would glance at you and continue to read his book.

You could feel the anger steaming off of him and were too scared to say anything at first. He scared you out of your skin when he asked, “Well? Aren’t you going to say anything?” You would begin to apologize for not telling him about the hospital, and he would seem slightly confused.

“Oh… I guess I should be upset about that too…” You’d ask why he was upset if not for that reason, and he would say he was mad at himself. He should have forced you to come to the hospital the instance you were sick.

You’d insist it wasn’t his fault, but he would continue. “No, it was my mistake for not saying what I thought. So I think I’ll have to be much more forward with you from now on.” It sounded scary to you. Mitsuya essentially would come when he could, and would give you the silent treatment for the next several days to come.

S a n z u

Sanzu is much more stubborn. I feel like he would be tempted to visit you a lot, but he would be too angry to do it.

You weren’t willing to tell him that you were in the hospital to begin with, so why should he visit you? He would find himself standing outside the door, unable to enter.

In the end, he would call you from outside the door and scold you over the phone. “Next time, we can go to the hospital together… Just please don’t do this ever again.” Sanzu would believe that you didn’t trust him enough to tell him this, and you apologized if you came off that way.

You would say that you knew he would panic, and that would cause him to open the door and argue with you in person. You would laugh as he scolded you. He would stay with you and glare at you every once in a while. He would also help you when you were discharged.

K a k u c h o

Kakucho is very lost when he finds the news. He doesn’t know what to do when he sees you in the hospital bed and is just lost.

He seems out of it till he hears your voice. He comes back to life and yells your name. He asks you several questions and if you didn’t answer him right away, then he would hit the button that summons a doctor to answer them.

He would cause chaos in his own caring way, and you would have to scold him for causing disarray at a hospital.

Leading him to scold you for hiding this from both of you. Essentially, the remainder of your visit would become a bickering fest between you two with no clear resolution other than your discharge.

From then on, if you so much as sneezed in front of Kukucho he would grab his coat and drag you to the hospital to get it checked out.

I n u i

Inui was concerned about your health before the hospital, but once he heard you were in there? He was in full on mothering mode.

He would bring you food and nag at you to eat and take care of yourself the entire time. He wouldn’t touch much on the fact that you hid the truth from him, and would be so much more concerned about your well being. That said, once you were healthy, prepare for an earful from Inui.

“You can’t just wait until you’re about to pass out to go to the hospital!! That’s crazy talk!” Inui would now give you a look whenever you coughed in front of him, a look that read: “If we go through what we did last time, I swear I’ll go insane–”

I z a n a

Izana would fight a lot of people. Since he came in angry, the hospital was reluctant to let them in.

The doctors would tell him he had to do something, he wasn’t going to be happy go lucky doing it. He was fuming just sitting beside you in the hospital. You’d expect that he would direct that anger at you once you woke up, right? Wrong.

He would actually be caring at first and ask about how this happened and how you felt at the moment.

But once all of those “formalities” were out of the way, then he would direct that anger at you. “How could you hide it until you are in the hospital!? Do you know how worried sick I was to hear about this? Don’t ever do this sort of thing again!” Izana would always turn a little serious from then on when he saw you and asked how you were doing.

R a n

Ran is in full on nag mode when he finds out you are in the hospital. You don’t have to be awake for him to start nagging.

The instance he opens your hospital door and sees you asleep, he would start nagging. “I swear to GOD, you must be out of your mind if you thought you could hide this from me forever! AH! So help me when you wake up I swear I’m going to give you an earful, just you WAIT!” Essentially, Ran would hype himself up so much that when you finally did wake up, he wouldn’t have much to say. So? He would play it off as if he was angry and shove a tangerine at you.

“Here! Eat IT!” Ran would sincerely worry about you and help you at discharge, and would take you to hospital upon hearing a single cough.

R i n d o

Rindo is another one to be silently angry when you first wake up.

He would ask you how you were feeling, and you’d say you were fine. “Is this the truth, or am I going to turn around and find out you really aren’t?” You would feel guilty and apologize.

This is one of the few times that Rindo would seriously scold you. It truly hurt him when he had to find out from his brother that you had wound up in the hospital. After you were discharged, Rindo would be lost in his own thoughts. It would take a little while, but he’d be back to normal if you gave him some time.

K o k o n o i

Koko wouldn’t really know what to do. He would be angry at you and himself, worried about your well being, and concerned with how you would feel seeing him.

He had all these thoughts going through his head as he waited for you to wake up. When you did, he wanted to be tough and stand by himself.

You shouldn’t have hid it from him. But he was just so relieved that you were okay that his facade melted away almost instantly. He just so glad to see you okay and well and that it was nothing major. Koko would realize a lot from worrying about you– like how much he cares about you and your well being.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[saltydkdan]

Any reason you don’t want to do a face reveal, I am personally of the attitude of “keep my personal info off my internet account” so I get if that’s all there is to it, but given it’s also kind of an in-joke at this point that you haven’t done one, I was just curious if there was anything beyond just wanting to keep to yourself.

Also I think I followed you on Twitter for like 2 years without watching a single one of your videos and the regret of wasting all that time not watching your amazing content still eats at me :) keep up the good work Salto!

So this answer has kind of morphed over the years.

Originally, I was never planning on doing YouTube as a job or a business. I always planned to make stuff for YouTube and monetize it, but I always wanted to find ACTUAL work someplace else, like a more secure job. The concept of never attaching my face to my videos, gave me a slight amount of anonymity, so that nothing present on my channel could affect my job search. Like… imagine people doing a background check on the shit I do in my spare time haha.

But as time passed and COVID started hitting hard, I had just graduated from College, and the job market was pretty fucked for a while because of it. My wonderful/amazing girlfriend Jess suggested to me: “Derek, why don’t you just try out YouTube as a job for a while.”

It was something I had always semi-considered. But it was never something I had thought would be feasibly possible. One thing comes to another and now here I am!

One of the big reasons I still haven’t done a face reveal now, despite not having to really be anonymous anymore, is for 3 major reasons.

1. Ive come to enjoy the anonymity to an extent! I don’t know if I’ll feel like this forever, but it’s cool knowing I never have to worry about being recognized or something. One time I was in a college class for an entire semester, and through conversation, I just happened to figure out that one of my classmates was a MEGA fan of my YouTube channel and never realized who I was. (I know, that sounds insane but it actually did happen! IRL my voice is a lot more calm than when I record and try to boost up my energy haha)

2. There’s no real need to do a face reveal as of now :) What’s great about having a 2D avatar represent me, is that it sort of adds to my personality, and I have full control over my looks. Sometimes things can be funnier when they sound like they’re coming from a small marshmallow looking 2D cartoon character haha.

3. This one is kinda sad… but I have a pretty low self esteem on my appearance. Don’t get me wrong, I like how I look. Some days I’ll think I’m one handsome motherfucker, but other days I’ll just feel at my absolute lowest about how I look. Right now, I’m trying to work through that, and make more healthy choices to improve my health (and therefore, my mental health). I just don’t think exposing my appearance to the internet, as I exist physically and emotionally right now, is a great idea. I don’t think I can take the unhinged comments from internet weirdos about how ugly they think I am or something. This is also why I stopped doing full/half body cam streams like the Alvin and the Chipmunk videos. The comments on those are just upsetting and I can’t help but read them to validate self loathing.

Anyway, sorry about the downer, but I hope this answers your question? I’m not opposed to it in the future by any means, just not right now :)

Also just a reminder for those reading this, everybody gets low self esteem, or goes through tendencies of self loathing. It doesn’t go on forever, and you can get through it.

[thebibliosphere]

Feel very free to ignore this but yea . I'm starting to think I may have been underestimating how generally ill I am and that I may have something medically significant going on and it would be an understatement to say that its freaking me out a little bit. I grew up with my mom being chronically ill so I got it drilled into me that I basically had to grin and bear shit bc at least it wasnt as bad as hers. Any tips on dealing with this mindfuck lmao

Solidarity, friend. I grew up with a visibly disabled sibling, and it's still a mental slog sometimes to get past the whole "but at least you're not as bad as X" I get from some people just because I'm not as visibly affected.

It took me years to stop internalizing that too. I still struggle with it, sometimes.

Therapy helps a lot. I go to grief counseling. It helps with both acceptance and also managing rapid cycling emotions. This is often something we experience when we first realize Something Is Wrong and we could have been having help this whole time and entirely normal. I also find mindfulness (yes, really) and radical acceptance to be helpful.

Going to put this under a cut because it's long :)

Some people mistake radical acceptance to mean "guess I'll just give up then" when what it actually means is to stop fighting things you cannot change, accept them as reality and focus your energy elsewhere.

For me, that meant giving up on the idea that I'd ever be a healthy, able-bodied person. For the longest time, I was sure if I got the right diagnosis and treatment, I'd eventually be healthy and my suffering would stop. It was my motivation to keep pushing through the medical abuse and gaslighting and, honestly, all that kept me alive sometimes. I needed to name the beast so I could kill it and claim my life back. And then I got diagnosed with two genetic disorders that can't be cured, lol.

Not gonna lie, struggled for a bit with that: both with the idea that I'd been allowed to suffer for decades through medical negligence, and also that now, even knowing the name of what was wrong, I was stuck with it forever. It could be managed, but it couldn't be cured. And that's where radical acceptance can help. Which for me looks like:

"I have (at least) two genetic disorders that cause lifelong problems that cannot be cured. There is literally nothing I can do to change this. This is a fact I cannot fight. But, with treatment and self-care, they can be managed and my quality of life can be improved, which is incredibly important! So that is where I will focus my energy. On improving my quality of life for the person I am, not the person I could have been."

It sounds simple, but internalizing it is another matter.

As for mindfulness, whenever I catch myself in a negative thought spiral of "I should do more because I am not X enough", I force myself to pause and ask: If this were happening to a friend, would I urge them to rest, or would I tell them to keep going even though it's harming them? No? Okay, so why am I not offering myself the same care and compassion?

This can apply to many aspects of life, but mostly I use it to herd myself into being kinder to myself because, goodness knows, someone needs to be kind to this body and it might as well be me.

This is like... not even remotely enough to help with everything you will be experiencing. But I hope it's a helpful start in pointing you in the right direction. Good luck and take care!

[immaturityofthomasastruc]

IOTA Reviews: Wishmaker

Goddamn it... 

It's bad enough Astruc tastelessly axed Lukanette, but now he just had to show up to give a sarcastic eulogy at the funeral.

Let's get into the fourteenth (chronologically the eighteenth) episode of Miraculous Ladybug's fourth season: Wishmaker

Right out of the gate, we get a “Chloe bad” joke with her insulting Marinette for being poor or whatever as she hands out flyers for an upcoming career fair. Chloe doesn't have much of a role in the episode, but she will be important towards the end, trust me. We also get a funny “Marinette stares lovingly at Adrien” joke while she sees him, so it's good the writers are at least trying to get their strange habits out of their systems now instead of later.

While reading over the flyer in his room, Adrien ponders a possible career as he doesn't want to keep being a model.

(The episode came out in English first, so I'm just going to be using quotes instead of screenshots of subbed scenes for this review)

Plagg: Don't you wanna continue to model?

Adrien: I don't think so, Plagg. I'm doing it now because my father asked me to. But now I realize I don't know what I'd want to do. I've never asked myself that question.

This is a really interesting dilemma for Adrien. Unlike other episodes that just have him feel sad for entirely superfluous reasons like Ladybug turning him down or generally moping about his mom, it feels like something you can really understand. He genuinely isn't sure what he wants to do with his life because he's had everything chosen for him before. I also like the use of the English dub saying Adrien modeled because his father asked him to, as if he couldn't actually say no. I also like how Adrien is still starting to lose faith in Ladybug for giving out Miraculous to everyone, which makes even more sense after his view of her was shaken in the previous episode chronologically, “Rocketear”. I also like how Plagg suggests ideas for a career for Adrien, like the two of them opening up a cheese shop together, which shows how Plagg cares for Adrien and wants what's best for him, ultimately highlighting how healthy their relationship is. He's almost like a big brother who gives advice to Adrien, even if it isn't the most sound advice at times.

On the other hand, Marinette already knows what she wants to do with her life, but the Kwamis start to argue over what she actually means by it by saying they know what she wants to do, a painfully accurate metaphor for the writers dictating Marinette's actions no matter how inconsistent they are.

Pollen: What's a career, dear Guardian?

Marinette: Oh. Well, it's... your job! Something really important that you do and gives meaning to your life!

Roaar: Oh! So, your job is being the Guardian of the Miraculous!

Mullo: Of course not! It's being a student!

Xuppu: Not at all! It's making presents for Adrien!

Marinette:Well...

Longg: She said “something important”, like when she crafted the big doll house to hide the Miracle Box!

Wayzz: Or when she designed the alarm for this room! What a masterpiece!

Marinette: Sure, I love crafting but—

Ziggy: You guys don't get it! What gives meaning to her life is to be in love with Adrien, or Luka, that's her job!

Fluff: Luka's the one with the guitar, right?

Kaalki: Her real career is being Ladybug and carve her name in history by her glorious deeds, of course!

Of course, their bickering somehow makes Marinette realize she isn't sure what she wants to do in the future after all.

We then cut to a reality show hosted by TV personality, Alec Cataldi. He's generally an asshole to the people on the shows he hosts and takes pleasure in humiliating or just being a dick to them, making you wonder how he still gets work with that attitude. Basically, he's the Alec Baldwin of the Miraculous Ladybug universe. The current show he's hosting is one where he roasts people for their jobs, making Andre a target by pointing how counterproductive his “business” is.

Alec: Here's a perfect example: Andre, the Ice Cream Maker, the ice cream man that is never around! Let me remind you how this goes: Andre doesn't have a shop, no one knows where he is, it takes forever to find him, and he gets to pick a flavor of your ice cream! You've gotta be kidding, Andre! Give me one reason why I should bother to chase after you when I could get my choice of ice cream in any corner supermarket!

Andre: Well, people don't just come for ice cream when they find me. They come to share their love and experience of magical moments! A supermarket cannot do what I do! I am a creator of magical moments!

Alec: “Creator of magical moments?” You've gotta be kidding!

I'm pretty sure that's what a lot of people thought of Andre when they first saw “Glaciator”. The idea behind Andre is that he chooses ice cream for you representing something about yourself, so he gives Alec a scoop of lime to represent his sour exterior and chocolate cinnamon to represent the dreams he still has within. Alec flinches a little at the ice cream, presumably because of how terrible of a combination that is, and decides to go to commercial to think.

Marinette talks to Andre about what he does, and he explains he used to be an office worker, with the only highlight of his days being making ice cream for himself after work. It eventually inspired him to quit his job and start making ice cream for everyone. It's a nice backstory, and I think a lot of people watching who are struggling to think about their future can relate to this like with the earlier scene with Adrien. It's also a nice touch for the flashbacks to reveal Andre has served ice cream to some of France's most famous couples.

(Jean Coutau and Jean Marais)

(Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin)

(Marion Cotillard and Guillaume Canet)

Granted, I'm wondering how old Andre is to have even met some of these people given Jean Cocteau died in 1963, but seeing how Master Fu is 186, I'm guessing the Miraculous Ladybug universe just has really good healthcare. Either that, or the people in this universe take Jay Kordich's diet very seriously.

Andre gives some ice cream to Marinette, who is soon joined by her ex-boyfriend who she never loved according to the writers. Actually, judging from her face when Luka talks about the very first guitar he made, the writers made another 180 regarding Marinette's feelings for Luka.

Of course, because the show wants to remind the audience Alec still exists, he makes fun of Luka for taking two years to perfect the delicate craftsmanship it takes to sculpt any instrument when you can just download an app on your phone. Your inner boomer is showing, writers, even if you were born after the time period for that generation. Luka retorts with some vague philosophical line he's known for that's one of the reasons why people are so mixed on him as a character

Luka: Musical instruments fill the space and space fills the instruments. No phone in the world will ever be able to do that.

Despite it being incredibly confusing, it gets to Alec, causing him to run off in tears. Luka and Marinette continue to talk, but it turns out that's Adrien decided to sit down nearby because of course he did. Though, like the last scene, it's a pretty interesting one as the three discuss what they want to do with their lives. There's also a really nice visual of a blimp with an ad Adrien was in passing by while Adrien talks about his father dictating his life, a really nice symbol. Of course, the scene is somewhat ruined by Luka suddenly deciding to be an Adrienette shipper.

Luka: You two will eventually find what's already in front of you, but you can't hear it clearly. Just let the melody flow.

He's referring to their uncertainty of their futures, but earlier on, Luka wanted to help Marinette be honest with her feelings about Adrien, and even before that, Andre was saying that Marinette and Luka didn't have to be in love to enjoy his magic ice cream. It's here when I realized this episode is subtly trying to end any chances of Lukanette still happening with so many little details. Right when the two spend time together, that's when they decided to help Adrien who showed up for no reason, preventing them from potentially coming to terms with their feelings for each other or at the very least discuss how hard it is to be friends with their history. And things only get more frustrating towards the end, where you'd swear someone decided to smother Lukanette with a pillow in its sleep.

Back to Alec, he's roasting a wig salesman (does he even have permission to film any of these people?) for his job, but as soon as the salesman puts a wig on him, Alec immediately gives us his life story.

Alec: When I was a kid, I used to have long hair, but everyone made fun of me. That's why I shaved it all off. I've been making the wrong choices my whole life. My TV shows are nothing personal. I make fun of people when they make fun of me when I was a kid. (Starts to tear up) I should've been the person I always wanted to be, trying to change the world instead of mocking it! (Falls on his knees) I've wasted my life!

I didn't paraphrase this at all. This is seriously what happened. He goes from mocking everyone he meets, to slightly doubting himself after seeing an ice cream vendor and a young musician, and then he starts having an existential crisis about his tragic backstory. It's not a bad idea, but if there was some more buildup in previous episodes, I'd understand. But this goes from confusing to straight out insulting towards the end. I'll get to that later on.

Shadowmoth notices Alec's emotions and akumatizes him into Wishmaker through his microphone.

Wishmaker has a pretty cool design. The grey skin color coupled with the mostly black outfit really highlights Alec's broken heart, and he looks pretty sinister. His powers... leave a lot to be desired.  Like the name states, Wishmaker has the power to make everyone's childhood dreams come true, like this one guy's dream is to be Santa Claus, so he transforms into Saint Nick without any hitch. Wouldn't it make more sense if Wishmaker twisted the dreams of his victims like a genie and made them miserable while they ironically lived out their fantasies by twisting around their words? Instead, all of his “victims” seem pretty happy, which doesn't really do much to make him a threat in my opinion.

So the aforementioned Santa starts dropping presents like bombs near Marinette, Adrien, and Luka, and they're separated by a giant robot. Marinette quickly transforms into Ladybug, and gets Luka to safety, though as soon as she leaves, Luka goes to check on where he told Marinette to stay for safety, and doesn't see her there. Instead, he sees his deadbeat father (transformed into a crocodile) drowning and goes to save him.

Ladybug meets up with Cat Noir (who transformed off-screen) and the two easily incapacitate the robot before engaging Wishmaker, avoiding his blasts. Apparently, they'll get their secret identities revealed if they get hit, so Ladybug goes to get Luka to help out as Viperion while Cat Noir holds off Wishmaker. Ladybug goes to get Luka, leading to the funniest joke in the episode.

She gives Luka the Snake Miraculous and he transforms into Viperion, immediately activating his Second Chance. For newcomers, Second Chance allows the user to set a point in time when activating it and if something goes wrong, they can go back to that checkpoint in up to five minutes. Ladybug also summons her Lucky Charm, a stuffed dinosaur toy.

Back with Cat Noir, as he engages Wishmaker, the Akuma starts to tempt him with the idea of living out his childhood dream, because he genuinely doesn't remember his. As Shadowmoth orders Wishmaker to use his powers on Cat Noir, Ladybug and Viperion show up, but in the chaos of the fight, Ladybug gets hit by Wishmaker, revealing her childhood dream as the “Knitting Fairy”, and exposes her identity to Viperion, who uses Second Chance to undo the timeline.

In the new timeline, Cat Noir's vulnerability gets to him, so he willingly lets himself get his by Wishmaker, not only exposing his identity as Adrien, but tragically reveals his childhood dream, to be whatever his parents wanted him to be. I feel like this works a lot better than some of the other moments where Cat Noir defied orders or screwed around on the battlefield because it's clearly framed as a moment of weakness on his part, and it was naturally built up over the course of the episode. The reveal of Adrien's childhood dream is a real gut punch too, as it shows just how much Adrien's life has been controlled by his family.

In the third timeline, Viperon deflects Wishmaker's blast meant for Cat Noir and redirects it toward a man whose childhood dream was to become a giant stuffed dinosaur. The stuffed dinosaur in question goes to give Wishmaker a hug, restraining him long enough for Ladybug to steal for Cat Noir to cataclysm (It's a microphone, how hard is it to break???) before she de-evilizes the Akuma. Ladybug uses Miraculous Ladybug to force everyone to stop living out their childhood dreams, she gives Alec a Magical Charm, and Luka decides not to tell Ladybug he knows both her and Cat Noir's secret identities. Why did Ladybug expect Luka not to know her identity when the whole reason she recruited him was to make sure nobody else found out her identity?

Now, while it isn't outright said, it's hinted at that now that Luka knows Marinette is Ladybug and Adrien is Cat Noir, judging from his dejected look after finding out the latter, he may be giving up on all attempts at the idea of getting back together with Marinette, and may or may not start shipping the Love Square now, just like how Kagami decided to ship Adrienette in “Mr. Pigeon 72”. I'm not saying the idea of Luka knowing someone's identity is bad, but it feels like this only happened specifically to stop him from having feelings for Marinette because now he knows Adrien loves her alter ego, and vice versa. Maybe it'll be touched upon in a later episode, but this was just a dick move by the writers in terms of ending all chances of Lukanette like this in order to ensure the Love Square has absolutely no competition.

So the episode ends with Marinette and Adrien deciding to focus on their futures while Alec starts a new show where he helps people live out their childhood dreams, albeit dressed like Style Queen for some reason.

Eh, he still picked a pretty cool Akuma to dress up as in my opinion. A lot of people have viewed this ending as evidence Alec is a drag queen with how he dressed up, coupled with the fact that he said something that was very similar to famous drag queen RuPaul.

Alec: And now, we're gonna love one another, starting with everyone loving themselves! Because how are you gonna love other people if you don't love yourself?

Though Astruc, being Astruc, once again decided to be vague when asked about the subject on Twitter, though at least the subtext is better than when he said he didn't make Juleka and Rose girlfriends because of censors while making it seem like a noble act.

Overall, this was a really good episode, though there were some underlying issues that really kept me from actually liking it. For the most part, it had some good drama with the main character, a rare scene where Marinette didn't stammer around Adrien, a creative (albeit flawed) Akuma with some good action, and an interesting idea with Luka knowing everything about the Love Square now.

There are just two big problems that really got to me about this episode. Let's get the obvious one out of the way, Luka. Honestly, he really didn't need to be in the episode. Sure, he gave some sound advice to Marinette and Adrien about their careers, but it felt kind of strange to see someone their age talking to them about their future when Andre, someone who actually had experience struggling to figure out what he wanted to do with his life, was pushed to the side. And like I said earlier, I think the only reason Luka found out about Marinette and Adrien's identities was to discourage him from thinking about getting back together with Marinette. After all, now that he realizes how “made for each other” they are, he can't stand in the way of the Love Square.

The problem is that in the context of the episode, we don't really see what made him see things that way. At least in “Mr. Pigeon 72”, Kagami consistently viewed Marinette's attempts to get her and Adrien back together as a subconscious desire to be with Adrien. It was dumb with how she decided to go to Team Adrienette at the end of the episode, but it was something. I'm glad the episode didn't force in too many Love Square shenanigans, but I think more should have been done to contextualize Luka's feelings towards the reveal. I get the writers wanted to make sure Lukanette had no chance of coming back, but this just feels rushed.

And then there's Alec's redemption arc. While it's not a bad idea in concept, the problem is that it flies in the fact of a recurring theme this season, that being redemption. Because, here's the funny thing: Alec blatantly said he became an asshole TV personality because of his history of bullying, and decided to retaliate as a result, but he eventually saw the error of his ways and turned over a new leaf. For long time readers of this blog, I apologize for bringing this up yet again, but what exactly makes this different from everything Astruc said about Chloe? You know, when he said that you make your formative choices when you're fourteen? Just like how Alec decided to become a reality TV host making fun of people after a troubling experience from when he was a kid?

Let's say that I agree with Astruc's views about Chloe. How is Alec different from what Astruc's said about Chloe for almost two years at this point? What makes Chloe, someone who was the victim of a troubled childhood who never got help, an irredeemable monster while Alec, someone who also had a troubled childhood and had even more time to get help while never getting any, capable of change? I thought he Alec made a formative choice when he was young and stuck with it, just like how Chloe started to fully develop at the age of fourteen. I mean, Astruc, you yourself said that Chloe's troubled childhood “was no excuse to treat people like shit”, according to you.

I'm just saying, dude, if Chloe can't be redeemed because of the stuff you yourself said, then that shouldn't apply to Alec either. When you really think about it, it's almost like Astruc either made up a bunch of excuses to not redeem Chloe, or he's a massive hypocrite for going back on his word. You can't really justify this kind of hypocrisy relating to Alec's redemption when you remember just how much of a hardass Astruc was when explaining why redemption was impossible for Chloe.

This coupled with the treatment of Luka really drags this episode from really good to blatantly insulting to certain viewers. Then again, these two choices just got to me personally. I feel like if those two things weren't there, things could have made this episode a lot better for me personally. I can see why a lot of people in the fandom still like this episode, but I'm honestly not a fan of it.

[depressed-teacup-inc]

Hahahaha multiplication I am so fucking lost

Ok so let’s go we’re doing this

Episode starts with Ladybug and Chat Noir looking for Felix, good job for using a braincell bestie, also why are the Astro costumes so sparkly bro?

People are for some reason still forgiving and supporting ladybug (bitch why?! She fucked up so bad and y’all doesn’t even have the “complex” context to it!) and Chloe and Lila are demonized (Chloe is right to criticize Ladybug tho)

(Also Su-Han was such an afterthought to justify Ladybug, he’s right to be furious)

And Marinette… well. I don’t really know how to feel about her still.

Like I know most people who actually know my opinions of her would think “isn’t this what you wanted? She’s feeling guilt about what she did and trying to move on!” And in that regard, yeah! I am glad that she’s acknowledging that she fucked up miserably and that its all her fault and that she should have done better and let go of her obsession with Adrien, but that’s just the thing

She’s blaming it all on her “love” for Adrien.

This show has a big thing with phrasing, which I never really liked, and while I’m glad Marinette’s finally trying to move on, it feels:

1. shallow (I’ll link my post about her breakdowns and feelings of guilt here, but I still don’t trust her to actually move on, I’m afraid I came across the spoilers for season 5, and she goes back to stalking real quick)

2. Wrong? Like it often feels like whenever Marinette says she should move on it’s not “I can’t function around him I’m fucking crazy” it’s “oh he’s so dreamy I can’t help but be in love with him Alya he’s too perfect I canttttt”

3. Like it’s the wrong thing to do! Everyone is moaning and crying over how “Nooooo you should keep at it honey you got this we love you you deserve Adrein as yours noooo” to make the viewer feel like maybe Marinette and Adrien being apart and not a part of this toxic ass stalker relationship is bad!

And with Adrien…

Listen first of all, I would like to congratulate the Love Square shippers, and specifically Adrienette. I know this is what a lot of people have been wanting from day one and I’m honest to god happy for them! Having ships come true and such always makes people happy! You guys deserve nice things and I really hope this time around, this ship won’t be dragged out to long.

I personally tho? Am not as thrilled, because of the context behind this love square finally coming together.

With Marinette’s constant stalking from day one, Ladybug’s treatment of Chat Noir, Chat Noir being initially very obsessed with Ladybug, and now Adrien being obsessed with Marinette? (Like seriously man, The entire thing with Adrien trying to kiss Marinette’s cheek and Alya trying to hold her so he would kiss her have me such creepy energy and like “no but she wants it!” And like??? NO????? BESTIE NO ALYA STOP MARINETTE SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY NO)

This entire ship has been dragged out for so long and is so unhealthy from both sides (personally I think it’s primarily from Marinette’s side, because she was legit breaking the law or being a really shitty toxic hypocrite, but Adrien is no saint either, never really trying to move on except for season 4, to only now latch onto another person for approval, god I hate it here) that even if on paper, Marinette and Adrien are developing, the tone and background to this ship has kinda ruined it for me

For me, even if right now, they come together in a healthy way (which I’m not even super sure about, Marinette goes back to stalking and viewing Adrien (just like she views Chat Noir now apparently) as an idea/an object of desire for her use, and Adrien is just making the same mistake he made with Ladybug with Marinette! this ship is forever really unhealthy and toxic for me

(Plagg sweetie not you too)

Personally, I still side with Adrien more, as he is again! Given more shit for his bad behavior, gets more mistreated and sidelined by the plot, has a really fucked up childhood that somewhat explains his behavior, and is not a criminal who could be arrested for breaking and entering MARINETTE, but again! Both are really bad

Anyways now that this tangent and my stance on the love square has been made clear let me real quick list everything else out:

1. Natalie my goddess my queen kill your husband and take your boy with you away from Paris please

2. Tomoe is evil out of nowhere!!! And with literally no fucking motive as to why???? WHY IS SHE SUPPORTING GABRIEL?????

3. Gabriel go die, bitch looks like a Q-tip and really went “yeah no we don’t need you for modeling anymore let’s just scan and use a clone of you

4. I love how no one in Paris gives a shit for their constant impending doom from a terrorist so much for that support

5. Felix is about to get demonized and god why am I not even surprised anymore! They made a 14 year old a terrorist to justify Marinette’s hatred for her, forget a complex plot

Also the alliance rings are really weird for me, and I have a million questions as to how Gabriel did what he did with the rings and miraculouses which open a million plot holes for discussion, but I’ll make a post about it when the show releases more info on the rings, so I won’t spoil it for anyone who hadn’t seen the spoilers for season 5 yet

[illuminatedquill]

Extracurricular, An Analysis

Oh Ji-soo and Bae Gyu-ri

“Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won’t adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is sign on as it’s accomplice.”  - Tom Robbins 

You know the story. You’ve heard it before, right? 

Boy meets girl. 

Girl finds out that boy is running a side protection business for prostitutes. 

Girl decides to blackmail boy into letting her join his business. 

Classic high school criminal shenanigans ensue leading them into more dangerous situations where they are forced to make desperate decisions to stay alive. 

Oh, and they fall in love along the way. 

Oh? You haven’t heard this one before? Then let me introduce you to this delightful kdrama called Extracurricular. 

I watched this one while waiting for the newest Hometown Cha Cha Cha episodes to drop and ended up binging the whole series in two days. There are many remarkable parts of this series: it’s a crime drama, first and foremost, that showcases high school teenagers caught in a cycle of violence and crime, abandoned by the society and adults that are supposed to be protecting them. There are no clear good guys and bad guys in this drama; everyone is cast in shades of grey. Our main leads, Oh Ji-soo and Bae Gyu-ri, run the prostitution business, and are both from broken family backgrounds. Their actions are morally questionable at best, but the top tier performances from Kim Dong Hee (you might remember him from Itaewon Class) and Park Ju Hyun make you cheer for them anyway. You want them to have a happy ending, despite the horrible things they do. The audience is always reminded that despite how clever they are in staying ahead, their actions have consequences, and they’re just high school kids. The drama never pulls it punches. 

But, weirdly enough, it’s also a love story. And that’s the part the really sticks with me until now. (The chemistry between the main leads is absolute dynamite and I could watch ten episodes of them just verbally sparring with each other. They don’t even kiss. They’re that fantastic when together on screen.)

I’m writing this because this is undoubtedly one of my all time favorite kdramas and I have a lot of feelings about our main pairing, Ji-soo and Gyu-ri. I can’t call them a couple (wait, didn’t I just say they fall in love) because their relationship can’t be labelled simply as that. Think of it as something similar to the main leads in My Ahjussi. Two people who should have become soulmates, yet met at the wrong time. 

This kdrama is not particularly happy, and while I do encourage people to watch this, I am warning that the subject matter is extremely dark. If you’re sensitive to scenes depicting sexual assault, graphic violence, or anything in that zip code you’ll want to steer clear. 

Also, I’ll be diving into spoiler territory in this analysis. So if you want to go in clean, then stop reading here. 

Still here? Awesome. Let’s dive deep into the messy, amazing pairing that is Oh Ji-soo and Bae Gyu-ri. First, let’s do a brief character background on our two main leads, starting with Ji-soo. 

Oh Ji-soo is one half of our main pairing and this story starts with him. He lives by himself and has been essentially abandoned by his only parents; his father is a failed businessman who gambles whatever money he acquires on scams and his mother ran away. His apartment is small, sparse, but functional. He owns only a few outfits aside from his school uniform. The only unique item he owns is a pet hermit crab that he takes care of. His life outside of school is non-existent; he has no friends, no one to hang out with and do typical high school teenager activities with. He takes care of himself and lives only for himself and his “dream”: to graduate, attend college, get married, and have kids like a normal person. 

But to do that, he needs a large amount of money. He has no other financial means to do so (his father is largely absent, as is his mother), so he decides, at some point, to start up this protection business for prostitutes. The drama doesn’t go into detail about the how and why he came to this conclusion that this was the best way to make a lot of money in a short amount of time, so you’ll have to suspend your disbelief from the get go. Considering the themes of the story (how youths abandoned by society tend to act out in extreme ways to make it in this world), it’s not hard to believe his desperation would drive him to make such a decision. 

Ji-soo, despite his shady business, is actually a decent person. There’s a streak of humanity that exists inside him that refuses to go out, despite the increasingly dark and bleak events that start to overtake his life. He’s attached to his hermit crab, cares for his “employees” outside of them being tools to make him money, and doesn’t want to see anyone get hurt. He goes above and beyond what’s required to help out people at the risk of his own life (in particular, Gyu-ri, and we’ll get into that shortly). 

What we learn from the first few episodes is that Oh Ji-soo is extremely smart and methodical in how he approaches his life. At school, he is known as a model student - quiet, top of the class in terms of grades, doesn’t draw any attention to himself, always follows along with what the teachers ask of him. Only his homeroom teacher, Mr. Cho, seems to consider his quiet style of existence to be concerning and tries to make him less socially awkward by pairing him up with another student in a new extracurricular club. This leads to the introduction of Bae Gyu-ri, Ji-soo’s longtime crush and future partner-in-crime. 

Meet Bae Gyu-ri, the other half of our dynamic duo. Her introduction into the story kickstarts the entire plot, as one of her earliest actions leads to a domino effect that spells increasing doom and tragedy for our main leads. She messes with Ji-soo’s operation at a critical moment and she spends the rest of the drama doing her best to make up for the consequences that follow. 

In my personal opinion, she is probably the best main female lead I’ve ever seen in a kdrama. Hands down, no other character exists (currently) that rivals her sheer cunning, wit, and badassery. Gyu-ri is Crazy, capital C, and is the chaos to Ji-soo’s control; the fire to his ice. Despite being the direct cause of half the events that happen to Ji-soo in the drama, he can’t help but need her because of what she offers. They make an incredible team. Her competitiveness, her need to win no matter the odds, helps them survive time and time again. 

Gyu-ri is from the opposite end of the spectrum of Ji-soo; he’s dirt poor and she’s insanely rich (always nice to see a reversal of typical kdrama tropes). Her mother and father run a successful entertainment company. Gyu-ri is popular at school, friends with seemingly everybody, pretty, cheerful and gets along well with her teachers. Ji-soo, and the audience, believe from the beginning that she has the perfect life. It’s not hard to believe that she’s just involving herself in Ji-soo’s business because she’s bored and needs an outlet, at first. 

We soon learn otherwise. Gyu-ri has more in common with Ji-soo than he initially realizes, in that they’re both trapped in circumstances beyond their control - it’s just that Gyu-ri’s cage is gilded, whereas his is not. Her parents are strict and have her life planned out for her, all without her consent or input, leaving her feeling frustrated and powerless despite her rich lifestyle. A suicide attempt hasn’t done much to change her parents attitude towards her, only serving to further their control over her life. 

So, when she learns of Ji-soo’s operation she immediately seeks to angle her way into it. First, she tries to rip him off, believing that he’s an evil “pimp” and thus deserves it. But after spending some time with him, she changes her mind last second and decides to help him out instead. 

And, now, let’s get into their relationship, which is one of the best (if not the best) aspect in the entire series. 

I need to be upfront about something: the relationship between Ji-soo and Gyu-ri is not exactly healthy. I wouldn’t describe it as toxic - the circumstances surrounding them aren’t exactly the best environment to encourage open and honest communication - but it’s definitely not what should be considered ideal, especially for young adults, and especially for young adults who are dabbling in crime instead of studying. 

So, why do I love them so much? If you’ve read some of my previous posts, you know that I loathe toxic relationships in kdramas, so I understand if you think I’m coming off as hypocritical here. Why do I like Oh Ji-soo and Bae Gyu-ri when I didn’t like, for example from recent history, (oh boy, here I go again on my Nevertheless BS) Park Jae-eon and Yu Na-bi?

First, Ji-soo and Gyu-ri are way cooler than Jae-eon and Na-bi ever could be. They run a criminal enterprise that involves having a high amount of intelligence, cunning, and daring to do so. Do Jae-eon and Na-bi run a criminal enterprise as a side business? No, they don’t, because they’re boring art students. 

Secondly, Ji-soo and Gyu-ri actually progress in their relationship and change their views as they learn from each other. Now, granted, that progress isn’t towards becoming better versions of each other - quite the opposite. But at least they have progress. Jae-eon and Na-bi stayed in the same stupid cycle for the whole series and then decided that it was better staying that way as opposed to trying for something else. 

Last, but certainly not least, Ji-soo and Gyu-ri are actually interesting to watch for me. The chemistry between Park Ju Hyun and Kim Dong Hee is explosive and they way they spar, exchange looks, and just generally exist around each other on screen is something I can watch forever. I’ve said this before but Han So Hee and Song Kang’s on screen chemistry, outside of their intimate scenes, really didn’t impress me. 

Okay, back to Extracurricular. This relationship, man. It’s all I can think about (other than HomeCha’s Du-sik and Hye-jin, but that’s another post). Ji-soo and Gyu-ri are so good together. 

I’ve noted before that Ji-soo is methodical in how he approaches his life; he plans out everything ahead, and rigs any situation as much as he can in his favor. It’s brilliant, but when a crisis happens, he doesn’t know how to deal with it effectively. He panics and flounders; becomes indecisive at a time when clear, decisive action is required. 

Enter Gyu-ri. She quickly becomes the partner he never knew he needed. When there’s a situation, she becomes invaluable in her quick thinking and wit, coming up with solutions on the fly. It’s not perfect, but it keeps them just one small step ahead of whatever is coming their way. 

The only thing preventing them from becoming unstoppable is the lack of communication and trust they have with each other. A lot of that has to do with how Gyu-ri entered Ji-soo’s business - she blackmailed him first, and, when that failed, she strong armed her way into getting him to accept her help. It’s implied in the drama that Ji-soo has had a crush on Gyu-ri for a while (since ninth grade, I believe) and in the first episode he actually gets the chance to spend time with her outside of school on a sort of quasi-date. 

It goes sideways pretty quickly because of some shenanigans from his business, but not before she gets to know him and says some pretty touching words regarding his situation. Poor guy is head over heels - even after finding out that she’s the one blackmailing him, his feelings are only dampened, not extinguished. When he catches a glimpse of her family’s situation, he gains a deeper understanding of her and why she acts the way she does. Even more importantly, Ji-soo treats her the same after finding out this information which, to someone like Gyu-ri, means more than if he comforted her about it. 

If you want to see a physical representation of how he feels, other than paying attention to his actions, you can see it in him keeping mementos from Gyu-ri. She has an interesting habit of folding bags into origami shapes and giving it to him. Even after the blackmail reveal, you can see that he continues to keep these in a container on his desk. It’s really cute that he keeps these, when it probably doesn’t even matter that much to Gyu-ri. 

Towards the end of the drama, Ji-soo prepares to turn himself in to prevent Gyu-ri from being implicated in the crimes they committed. And it costs him almost everything to protect her. Ji-soo, the quiet, nerdy kid, puts himself on the line time and time again to protect Gyu-ri, knowing that it puts his life and his dream at risk to do so. And all for what? For some girl that he thinks doesn’t even like him in return? 

Well, let’s talk about that. Because I’ve seen some comments that Gyu-ri was only using Ji-soo for her own selfish gain. And I can agree that was how it was at the beginning for her; she definitely was only interested in acquiring money, like Ji-soo was, in order to achieve her own goal of being free from her parents. 

But, oh man, that is not what is motivating her at the end. 

It’s actually pointed out relatively early by some of her friends that it’s obvious that she likes Ji-soo more than he likes her. Understandably Ji-soo is keeping her at arms length from him given the whole recent blackmailing, so it would make sense that it looks that way. 

Further questioning reveals what she likes the most about him: 

“It’s not like I’m crazy about him. He’s fun. And amusing. He’s smart. And there’s a certain charm he has. He also has a wolfish side to him. But he thinks he’s a puppy.” 

- Bae Gyu-ri

But, as she gets to know Ji-soo better, you can certainly see that she starts to fall hard for him. As a cover story for why they hang out so much together during and after school, Gyu-ri states to everyone that they’re dating. The reactions across the school definitely imply that this is a shocking development, which means that Gyu-ri hasn’t dated anyone before. So why Ji-soo other than the reasons she herself states? 

He challenges her, just as she challenges him. Gyu-ri may be the more dynamic, quick thinking of the pair but Ji-soo is every inch her intellectual equal - just in different ways. She doesn’t seem to be the type to be easily impressed, but you can tell that she’s definitely impressed by Ji-soo’s operation and how thoroughly set up it is. When Ji-soo is frustrated at the beginning by his setbacks, he blows up at another student (knocks him out in a crazy punch) and immediately walks over to Gyu-ri afterwards (who saw the whole thing) to inform her that she is now his partner in crime. 

The look in her eyes, and the small smirk she has speaks volumes about her attraction to him in that scene. Smoldering. 

And, oh yes, she’s prone to jealousy. Another classmate, Min-hee, gives Ji-soo a present out of the blue (it was supposed to be for her boyfriend, Ki-tae, but that’s another sub-plot) - all within view of Gyu-ri. It’s hilarious how she tries to brush it off. Later, for plot reasons, Ji-soo has to spend more time with Min-hee which only furthers Gyu-ri’s annoyance. 

And her motivations stop being entirely about the money and more towards helping preserve the dream that she and Ji-soo share about being free. There’s a scene in episode 8 where it’s revealed that, due to a business partnership with a local gang (set up by none other than Gyu-ri herself in a desperate move), Ji-soo would have to drop out of school permanently to work on their behalf. Gyu-ri overhears this and, despite badly needing the gang’s help in sustaining their own business, immediately terminates the partnership. 

All because it would interfere with Ji-soo’s dream. 

Man, if that isn’t love. 

In the following episode, Gyu-ri, and later on Ji-soo, is kidnapped by the same gang in retaliation for terminating their partnership. Ji-soo comes to her rescue but Gyu-ri is already almost free (again, she’s really, really badass) and is demanding that they bring Ji-soo to her instead of running for her life. 

Surviving this latest attempt puts the two in a reflective, vulnerable mood and Gyu-ri asks Ji-soo why he keeps saving her. Ji-soo asks later on why she keeps risking her life to be with him. They don’t say the answer in words but in an almost kiss (yeah, you read that right - almost). 

And then, if you aren’t already convinced, Ji-soo crosses his one last remaining line in an effort to keep Gyu-ri safe; he accidentally pushes a fellow classmate down some steps and, instead of helping her, leaves her to die after grabbing the evidence she has on him and Gyu-ri. 

Extracurricular pulls off quite the magic trick here, hiding this well done love story in the middle of a serious crime drama. 

The real tragedy is that Ji-soo thinks that Gyu-ri views this whole business, and by extension his life, as one big game. It’s something that she takes offense at, visibly becoming upset when he says that. 

But even if that were true, he should be assured since Gyu-ri doesn’t like to lose. 

As they hurtle towards the end and face up to the consequences of their actions, Ji-soo and Gyu-ri undoubtedly lose sight of their original goals and dreams. They do some fairly horrible things to stay alive and ahead of the police who are close on their trail. You can’t really blame them for doing what they did; in the face of a society that has abandoned them, what they’re doing is a logical outcome to gain what they want so desperately and deserve so much: the chance to be free to live like normal, care-free people. 

I can’t say for certain that they achieve that. The drama is serious in consequences and, at the end, the net around them is drawing tighter and tighter. I won’t spoil the ending scene for you, because I highly encourage you watch this drama yourself but I will say this: Ji-soo and Gyu-ri seem stuck in an impossible situation with nowhere to go, and no one to help them, with a clock ticking down towards either death or discovery by the police. 

But, all the same, I’m always the optimist. They’ve gotten through situations like this before and they can certainly do so again. Maybe not as bad as this one, but not too far out of their league. And, like I mentioned before, Gyu-ri doesn’t like to lose. Especially when it comes to Ji-soo. 

Their relationship is truly dangerous, as Ji-soo himself notes. Them being together is the source of their problems; they’re too much alike now, as opposed to the beginning of the drama where he stated that they’re too different. Their love is the kind of love where both of them are willing to burn the whole world down if it means keeping each other safe. 

I’m a real sucker for those kind of love stories. No one’s a hero here. They’re just kids in high school, doing the best with what they know. 

Who are we to judge what is right and wrong? Especially when the one committing the acts are high school kids who don’t know any better and just want to save each other? 

Do we have that right? 

Do they really deserve that punishment? Shouldn’t we be pointing fingers at the society that forced them to act this way? 

Extracurricular really makes you think about that. Is it really so outlandish and terrible what Ji-soo and Gyu-ri do to survive when the adults who are supposed to be protecting them, teaching them better, have failed in their duty? 

Maybe they really did win at the end. Not so much in succeeding in their goals but in gaining something that not even regular people are likely to find - a partner, a soulmate, someone who will stand by you no matter what. 

If you do watch the ending, and are not an optimist like I am, then all I can say is this: whatever happened, they were together at the end. 

They were together. 

[jackiebuttcakes]

Juvia’s Response To The Haterz

Decided to do this because I don’t think anyone has done it yet. 

Juvia: Hello everyone! How are you? Juvia hopes you are all safe and healthy. I was really nervous about doing this at first because I didn’t want to add more fuel to the fire. But after constantly asking my guild members about what Juvia thinks she should do, they all said that I should be completely honest with them. So here Juvia goes!  

The majority know about my past and my affiliation with the dark guild Phantom Lord under the direction of Master Jose. Juvia had no one else that showed her the kind of affection and generosity. All of Juvia’s life I have been ridiculed, abandoned, and drenched in my rain of solitude. When I had my first encounter with Fairy Tail, that being Lucy-san, the fierceness in her eyes sparked something in Juvia. Juvia initially thought she was fragile but her confidence and aura radiated, even if she couldn’t do anything when she was encased in my Water Lock. The moment Fairy Tail knew about her disappearance, Juvia’s stomach churned because she could feel their anger from miles away.

Juvia thought really hard about why she was so anxious about fighting Fairy Tail. Phantom Lord has fought countless of guilds beforehand and nothing sparked Juvia’s interest. There was just something particular about that guild that was so fascinating. And when I had finally met Gray-sama... the sadness and loneliness I once knew,  was gone. Juvia can’t even describe the feeling and the experience of seeing the sun peaking through the clouds and the way his smile warmed my cold heart.

Juvia hopes you understand that these new feelings that I was foreign to, was so overwhelming. I did not know how to react and how to comprehend them, but all I knew that in my heart, I had fallen for the man that saved me from my own rain. Juvia understands how cringey that may seem, despite the cringey affections Juvia has thrown herself into. But, even so, even if you’ll never believe Juvia… I really love him with all of my heart. Even if some people think that Juvia is just thirsty for attention or screen time… I really do love him.

Juvia will be honest and say that she is not the greatest at expressing it discreetly, which can make people uncomfortable… but I can’t help but light up whenever Gray-Sama is around because his presence makes me so happy… is Juvia not allowed to be happy?

Juvia is aware that “stalker” might be associated with her name for a long time, if not forever….. and trust me, I have tried to move on, after Phantom Lord officially disbanded. Gajeel-kun was very kind in asking if I would like to stay by his side for a little while until he found something for the both of us... but all I kept thinking about was Fairy Tail. So Juvia took matters into my her own hands, let myself be free from hesitation and allow my curiosity to flow. Natsu-san's team dynamic was so strong, they were like family. She saw how important they were to him. She had seen some parts of his fight with Gajeel-kun and she could tell that his fighting drive and fury came from his dedication to protecting his friends. And she could see why...

Juvia is saying this because she really wanted to be in Fairy Tail for the bonds she desperately wanted to cultivate. I know some people think that my whole existence revolves around Gray-sama... but I know that that is simply not true. I have made so many lifelong friendships with everyone in the guild, even to the ones I don’t spend as much time with, because the energy that Fairy Tail brings is so desirable  that any enemy that challenges them, respects them. Juvia knows that for sure because Gajeel-kun and I do, and why Juvia pushed him to  join in the first place. Juvia has never seen Gajeel-kun in such a positive light, mentally and being in Fairy Tail is the reason why we grew closer.

Gray-sama has rejected Juvia multiple times so many people have asked why Juvia is trying so hard to earn his affection. It is true that Juvia tries not to leave Gray-sama's side because I really care about him. But as hard as it is to believe, I would  never force Gray-sama to reciprocate his feelings. Of course, I wanted him to and when he does reject Juvia, it does hurt. But even so, Juvia knows that Gray-sama changed me for the better which is why Juvia has been holding on for so long. If Gray-sama really wanted me out of his life, Juvia would respect his wishes even if he fell in love with someone else, because I would rather love than be loved :)

Juvia has tried really hard to avoid talking about this... but I know I have to because so many of you have a lot to say about it... and I completely understand why. When Gray-sama and Juvia were forced to fight each other during our battle with Invel, I have never been so frightened in my entire life. Killing myself was the last thing I ever wanted to do. There is so much more of the world that I want to explore and memories I want to create. To label Juvia as “homicidal” really pains my heart... because Juvia knows how it felt to feel helpless and not worthy of life... but being a Fairy Tail member, I realized how grateful I am to be alive with the people I care so deeply about. Making that decision was the most difficult one I had to make and you know why Juvia did so. 

*takes a deep breath* If you had made it this far, thank you for taking the time out of your day to listening to the girl you may not tolerate as much in the guild. It really means a lot that you listened to my truth. And even if you do not agree with some of the things I said, and you still hate Juvia and don’t support Gray-sama and I, Juvia is completely fine with that and I respect your opinion. But Juvia knows herself now and she will do the things that make her happy, no matter what anyone else says.

 Gray:  *walks in*  Hey.. you’ve been talking to them for quite a while now. Everyone back at the guild is starting to get a little worried. You okay?

Juvia: Gray-sama! Juvia is alright! It actually feels really relieving to finally let this all go. It has been bothering Juvia for quite a while now.  *tries to hold back tears of happiness*

Gray *smiles and sits next to her* : Just to let you all know, she didn’t have to sit down here and talk with you guys. She shouldn’t even be the one carrying all this weight because I, myself was a jerk to not only her but myself. In fact, I tried to convince her not to do this because we both are in such a better place that no one and nothing could ever change that. 

Juvia: Juvia isn’t trying to defend herself and I respect all of you no matter how you view me. But I just wanted to sit down and tell you about how I feel about the things being said because Juvia will be forever grateful towards you all for supporting our guild for so long and you all deserve my transparency. 

Gray: You guys also earned my respect. *smacks a card in the haterz’ hands.* Which is why you’re invited to our wedding :)

***

I have been watching A LOT of apology videos lately LMAOO. Should I post this in the antigruvia tag too? XD

[buckyskorpion]

Do Something Bad, Too - Part 5

Pairing: Alpha!Bucky x Omega!Reader

Summary: It’s like every single Alpha on the planet won’t rest until they’ve confessed their eternal wish for you to mother their children, and it’s getting old. Luckily, that’s a problem Bucky might be able to fix.

Warnings: language, a/b/o dynamics, mentions of violence

A/N: sooooo..... lets not mention the last time i updated this fic was four years, and get excited that im finally updating!! woo!! i really hope this was worth the wait, im very anxious about letting you guys down. let me know what you honestly think! love u all, thank u for sticking with me

series masterlist | main masterlist | my ko-fi

You stay in Nat’s apartment in the Tower for the rest of your heat, which lasts an entire week. Nat comes and goes throughout that time to make sure you’re drinking enough water, to make you dinner or run you a bath, or sometimes just to keep you company when you’re capable of that. She doesn’t stay long, though, aware her presence just makes the unbearableness of going through heat even worse. She also doesn’t mention Bucky’s clothes or anything about that first day, which you’re immeasurably grateful for. You don’t think you could talk about it without crying.

To say you’re humiliated is an understatement. Mixed with that is all this guilt and shame and self-hatred for inflicting that situation on you and Bucky. Mostly for Bucky. He had made it so very clear he was only comfortable helping you with the scent thing, and even with that there were boundaries. You had blown through them all by showing up to his apartment, triggering both your instincts to do things you couldn’t control, and now he probably resented you enough to never want to see you again.

You don’t blame him. It doesn’t stop it from hurting so much, though.

You’ve well and truly fucked yourself now. Not only is it omega instincts driving you towards Bucky now, but also your own stupid, naive heart. You miss his giant hands and broad shoulders that block out the world for a second, narrowing your scope to just the two of you. You miss the way you can breathe around him, how the world doesn’t feel so scary and foreign to you when he’s by your side. It’s crazy because you weren’t even close, you weren’t even really friends, but now you never will be because you’re so goddamn stupid it’s actually astounding.

Nat’s plan had not worked. And this time, you couldn’t even blame her for this colossal backfire. This is all your handiwork.

You’re back in your office, returning to work once your fever died down and you could stand to be in the vicinity of other alphas without passing out. Maybe you’re tapping rather aggressively on your keyboard, and maybe all the techies on the floor can hear you sigh and groan in frustration every two seconds and are sending you strange looks through the glass. Whatever, you’re their boss, they can’t say anything. Besides, your boss has requested some rather strange security upgrades and you’re not sure if it’s within your job description to email Tony Stark and say what the fuck?

It turns out you don’t have to, because Tony Stark comes to you. It’s not often he takes part in the day to day workings of Stark Industries - that’s your job, after all. But he comes striding into your office eating an apple and wearing sunglasses during the middle of the day, and points a ringed finger at you.

“You’re back,” he says, and you find yourself glancing down at your baby-blue pantsuit just to make sure you are, in fact, back. Stark takes a very pointed breath through his nose and adds, “You smell terrible. This is great!”

“Great?” You can’t help but sound bitter. Your smell is hardly great to you. Even after sweating out your entire body-weight and taking more showers than is considered healthy, you still smell like Bucky. You can’t escape him - not your thoughts, not your heart, and certainly not the way your skin seems to emanate him like he’s crawled underneath and set up shop. It’s embarrassing and humiliating, because it’s not real, and just serves to remind you of the terrible mistake you’ve made. You hope beyond hope Stark doesn’t recognise the other alpha scent clinging to your pores.

“Yes, great. I need your help,” he says, sitting down in a chair opposite your desk. You glance at the specs you have open on your computer, the strange security upgrades he wants you to make to the Tower, and then back to Stark’s million-dollar smile. It’s unsettling. You feel a headache forming before he even opens his mouth.

“If this has anything to do with these emails-“

“Those can wait,” Stark says, waving a dismissive hand at your computer. He lobs his applecore into the bin beside your desk as if to punctuate his point, then says, “This is a request on behalf of the Avengers.”

“Um,” you say, rather eloquently. Avengers? What on earth could they want with you, unless- you groan, rolling your eyes to the ceiling. “Natasha.”

“She highly recommended your expertise,” Stark says, and that headache brewing in your temples blooms into a full-blown migraine. He stands, smooths out his slacks, and says without room for question, “Follow me.”

This is how you end up back in the residential floors of the Tower, much to your chagrin, which Stark seems to pick up on. The closer you get to Bucky’s floor the more fidgety you become, heart racing and skin turning clammy until you watch the numbers fly by and you leave him somewhere in the clouds above Manhattan. The elevator doors ding open to a floor that seems to go on forever, full of gym equipment and fancy simulation tech you figure the Avengers must use to train. You find Natasha’s red head on the sparring mats, tackling someone to the ground with her thighs, and glare daggers as you follow Stark into the room.

“She’s alive!” Natasha calls across the room, ignoring your death glare for a knowing smirk. Her voice echoes through the warehouse-style gym floor, drawing the attention of the others in the room. The Avengers, and all of a sudden you feel like an eighteen year old kid watching aliens attack New York on a grainy satellite TV in the desert again. This is like meeting celebrities on another level. Steve Rogers finishes wrapping his hands as he walks over to you and Stark, Sam Wilson beside him, and Natasha gives Clint Barton a hand to help him up from the mats.

“What have you roped me into now, Nat?” you ask, not bothering to hide your frustration. You’ve just about had it with her meddling, but you should’ve known it was a pipe dream to think she would stop.

“We know you’re very busy, we won’t take up much of your time,” Steve Rogers says, extending a hand and introducing himself like he needs to. Captain America needs no introduction.

“I know who you all are,” you say, giving them a nod. “And you’re right, I am busy. So why am I here?”

“You and Nat must get along like a house on fire,” Clint says, earning him an elbow in the gut from Nat herself. You grin, all sharp in the way Nat tells you looks scary in a hot way, and watch as he subtly shifts behind Nat as if to hide behind her smaller frame. It’s only then that you register the scents mingling between them, and realise that Clint Barton is Nat’s omega. She grins at you, beatific and serene, as if she can read your thoughts and knows exactly what you’ve just figured out.

“Let’s not hold (Y/n) up any longer,” Nat says, grinning in a way that always spells trouble for you. “She’s a woman in high demand.”

Stark leads them to what seems to be a large empty space in the training facility, but it’s soon filled with hologram projections from a tiny Starkpad he pulls from his pocket. You fall into step beside Nat, using your height advantage to glare down at her and convey the level to which you want to strangle her right now. She just loops her arm with yours and kisses you on the cheek, frustrating your attempts at intimidation before you can even begin. Bloody Russian spies, you grumble to yourself as you come a halt in front of the holograms.

You’re looking at building specs, that much is obvious. Why, though, is entirely lost on you. The structure is a tall hexagonal building reminding you of a panopticon, with security floors in the centre and what seem to be prison cells surrounding them. Details jump out from Stark’s hologram - security cameras, miniature guards patrolling the floors, thermally sealed doors and electromagnetic force-fields on the cells. It’s a prison, you surmise, and you’re starting to get a bad feeling as to why you’re here.

You turn to Nat and say, “I’m not going back in the field.”

She pats your arm with only a tiny bit of condescension and says, “I’m not asking you to.”

“You’re my Head of Security,” Stark says, then gestures to the hologram building, “If you can design impenetrable security systems, surely you can undo them.”

“You want me to help you break into this place?” you ask. The team all nod, and you look back at the intimidating, virtual-blue building in front of you. “It’s a fortress.”

“Yeah, they really upped the anti on security since I was in there,” Sam Wilson says, earning him a reproachful look from Steve. It does nothing to soothe the anxiety starting to thread through your chest. Failing the Avengers doesn’t seem like an option, but from where you’re standing, neither is breaking into this facility.

“I’ll need to know what it is first,” you say, “Then I can try and help you. Emphasis on try. I’m not a miracle worker.”

“It’s called the Raft,” Steve says, his face growing stony and set as he talks. “It’s a prison designed for enhanced persons by Secretary Ross. After Germany, I broke Sam, Scott, and Clint out. But Wanda-“

“We need to get her out of there,” Clint says. You pretend not to notice as beside you Nat discreetly takes his hand, rubbing her thumb across his bruised knuckles.

“Leave the search and rescue to us,” Stark says, and you watch him shift uncomfortably under some inscrutable looks Steve and Sam are giving him, “We just need your help on how to get into the joint.”

“Simple,” you breathe, but only Nat laughs. This seems like an impossible task, but from the look of  everyone around you, failure isn’t an option. You’re going to have to make the impossible possible. It’s a good thing you’ve had some experience with that - in the military, trapped into sand-filled corners with no foreseeable way out, it really did seem like you were working miracles to stay alive out there. You swallow past a dry mouth and blink through desert-gunked eyes, say, “I’ll need that Starkpad, and some time.”

“You have forty-eight hours,” Stark says. The hologram disappears in a blink as he throws the Starkpad, no bigger than your palm, which you only just manage to catch. Stark clicks his fingers, as if an idea as just occurred to him, and says, “Oh, I almost forget to tell you! The Raft is underwater. Completely submerged, middle of the ocean, super top-secret. Fun, right?”

Your heart drops to your stomach. Fun is not the word you you would use. Only forty-eight hours to break into the most secure facility in the country, if not the world? This day couldn’t possibly blindside you anymore.

As if the universe is conspiring against you, FRIDAY’s voice chimes in from overhead speakers to say, “Mr Stark, Sergeant Barnes is on his way to the gym floor.”

You feel your whole body lock up, heart seizing in your chest - Bucky? Here? You weren’t prepared to see him yet, or speak to him. What would you say? How could you apologise for one of the worst crimes you may have ever committed, and you’ve killed people? Natasha unloops her arm from yours, tries to soothe you with a hand on your back but it does nothing for the anxiety shooting sparks throughout your blood stream.

“How many times have I got to tell that illiterate Soviet popsicle, he’s not on the fucking team,” Stark grumbles, storming towards the elevators with a scowl. Steve clenches his fists, glaring after Stark but Sam holds him back. He mutters something only Steve can hear which makes him close his eyes and exhale sharp through his nose - frustrated, but calming by the nanosecond.

It’s a shame nobody thought to do the same for you.

“What did you just call him?” you say, ignoring Natasha’s warning murmur of your name as you follow after Stark. Maybe you still have some residually elevated hormones from your heat, or you really are just a lovesick idiot who can’t control her temper, but whatever it is has you absolutely incensed. Stark stops dead, clearly caught off guard by the venom in your voice, and spins on his heel to stare at you incredulously.

“Excuse me?” he says, blinking owlishly at you as you lean up into his space. You’re aware you’re overstepping the boss/employee line, but you can’t help yourself. The rage is brewing, and with each laboured breath Bucky’s scent grows stronger and stronger until it’s all you can smell. It settles over your skin like armour, and the urge to protect that hold on you, to protect him, is beyond your control - it’s primal.

“Don’t talk about him like that, ever,” you snarl, watching with satisfaction as Stark’s eyes turn round and wide.

He glances behind you towards his friends and says, “Are we sure she isn’t an alpha? Sheesh.”

“Tony,” Natasha warns, but it’s too late. You use the palm of your hand to slam into Stark’s solar plexus. You kick out his kneecap and he drops on one knee, wheezing and gasping for air. It all happens so fast you can’t even think about the repercussions of assaulting your boss, let alone what’s driven you to do it in the first place.

“I don’t need to be an alpha to kick your ass,” you hiss, glaring down at Stark who looks up at you like you have, in fact, lost your mind.

At that moment, the elevator dings and reveals Bucky practically seething behind the elevator doors. He storms in, larger than life - in the week or so it’s been since you’ve seen him, you’ve somehow forgotten how physically intimidating he actually is. You immediately step back from Stark’s kneeling figure, feeling the strange need to hide your hands behind your back like a kid caught with the cookie jar. Bucky glances wildly between you, Stark on the ground, and the ring of Avengers in different states of attempting to intervene. He heaves ragged breaths and is emitting a scent that threatens to take you to your knees, too. Authoritative, powerful, protective.

That submissive, animalistic side of you makes you really hate being an omega sometimes.

“Why is she here?” Bucky asks someone behind you, probably Natasha. He swings his, frankly, frightening gaze to Stark and demands with just as much venom as you had, “What did you do to her.”

“Jesus Christ, nothing!” Stark wheezes, clutching at the spot on his chest you’ve definitely bruised. He points an accusing finger at you and cries, “She hit me!”

“I’m so sorry,” you say, feeling your hands start to shake where you clutch them behind your back. You look to Bucky like maybe he can explain, which makes you sick to your stomach because he’s not yours to look towards. Now, more than ever, that is abundantly clear. “I don’t know what came over me.”

“I do!” Natasha pipes up behind you, helpful as ever. Bucky glares at her for you this time, releasing you of his burning-hot stare. His gaze has the power to paralyse you, and you need to get away from him, this, all of it - right now. You don’t get a chance to, however, before Natasha once again sticks her foot in it and says, “She was defending your honour, James.”

“Yeah, and I’ve no idea why. One quick google search should tell you he doesn’t need any-“

It takes you a second to realise the snarling, growling sound echoing through the gym is coming from you. Your face burns as you roll your lips together, cutting the sound off completely. For your entire life you’ve been headstrong and confident, but this whole experience with Bucky from the very first day you met him has shaken your entire self-perception. Everything you’ve known has been turned upside down - it was easy when all alphas were assholes, and you were one omega they couldn’t fuck with. Now, you stare down at your shoes and refuse to look in Bucky’s direction because he’s affected you so much you can’t even control yourself anymore. The worst part is that it’s entirely your own doing, because Bucky made it very clear you aren’t the one he wants, so everything you’re doing right now is just incredibly humiliating.

“(Y/n)?” Bucky’s voice makes you shudder. Looking at him would surely make you burst into flames, from embarrassment of the last time you saw him which you can’t even think about, or from the shame of pathetically defending a man who doesn’t want anything to do with you. He doesn’t even want you here, storming up to ask why you’re in his home in the first place.

“I’m gonna go,” you say, giving Bucky a wide berth as you head for the elevators. You can’t get there fast enough, practically sprinting to press the close-door button as fast as you can.

“Wait-“

And then, the absolute worst thing happens. You almost crush the Starkpad still in your hand from clenching your fist so hard - you have to, in order to keep your hands by your sides and not in Bucky’s personal space. Because just as the doors are about to slide closed, he slips in between them and FRIDAY seals you both in. The elevator fills with Bucky Bucky Bucky, just like your heat-addled brain has been chanting at you since you stumbled into his apartment a week ago.

Bucky stares at you wide-eyed, and you stare back just the same. This could possibly be your worst nightmare come to life, especially when the elevator screeches to a halt and FRIDAY’s dulcet tones hammer your fate home.

“I appear to be having some technical difficulties,” FRIDAY says, sounding confused if an AI can sound like anything. “I’m so sorry, I’m trying to fix this. It seems someone is manually overriding my control of the elevator.”

“Nat,” you groan, in unison with Bucky. So that’s it. You’re stuck in an elevator with Bucky and are being forced to face the music, by the powers that be. The powers being Natasha, a no good meddler who is going to be in a world of pain when you get out of here. Alpha be damned.

[byproducts-of-my-imagination]

Pining [Akaashi Keiji 1/2]

1.2k words.  There will be some form of closure.  Eventually.  Someday.

Sorry if you already saw this, I took it down an am reposting because tumblr glitched and yeeted all my stuff.  

It's not the first time this has happened, not the first time you've woken up with his image in your mind.  It hurts all the same, that deep aching regret which cuts like a knife.  It wasn't even like you were super close to Akaashi Keiji.  He had plenty of closer friends on the volleyball team.  It was a schoolgirl crush that took root in you and refused to die.  Even though years and years have passed, nothing will be able to erase his gunmetal blue eyes from your memories, or his beautiful skin, pale in the moonlight.  It's like they say: you never forget your first love.  To some extent that's true, but not everyone still thinks of their first love after years of separation, or during other relationships.  You've never been able to love properly because of him and it sucks ass.

Slogging through assignment after assignment is numbing, but you've been forced to get used to it.  Life is life, and work is going to be there no matter what you do.  College is not worth the hype, but you do it anyways.  You do it because you've been told your entire life that you absolutely need to, that a degree is a requisite in the workforce.  You do it because everyone else does, another link in a chain of struggling students just trying to have a life.  

It's annoying, the way it just bites at you from time to time.  Like your brain just won't let him go.  You hear him calling your name, with that teasing lilt in his voice.  You feel the familiar brush of his shoulder against yours just like he did when he used to walk you to class, ages ago in high school.  The worst thing is that you still have the random trinkets he gave you over the years, in the box on your shelf where you store things most precious to you.  You're stuck in a vicious cycle, repeating memories from so long ago.  You see him in your dreams like you see movies in theaters.  He's been immortalized in your mind and you've been doomed to love him forever.  

But you have to let him go at some point, right?  In the later years of high school, when you saw him less and less, you barely thought about him.  But it only took one short "hey" in the hallways for that feeling to come crashing back, for you to start fixating on him again.  It's really not healthy, but you can't help it.  In your sparse interactions, he gave you hope each time.  You could hope that he loved you too, probably mistaking friendly affection for real affection.  

When you separated to different schools, that was the end of it.  At least, for a while.  A fresh start only seemed to temporarily distract you.  Since you stopped thinking about him during the day, he came back at night to haunt your dreams.

And so it goes.  

Your brain likes to play cruel tricks on you.  It likes to dream of way too detailed scenarios with him, little everyday things, domestic snapshots that make your heart ache.  Imagining him there, with you.  

Your heart squeezes, like it's the last time you'll see him.  The last time you did, you didn't know.  But even if you had known, what good would it have done you?  Now every time he shows up, it feels like the last.  And he'll never know.  And you'll never know if he feels the same.  Which he likely doesn't.

You never could say goodbye.

Imagine your surprise, to find him in your class one day back in high school.  Just after an offhand conversation about it.  Dare you hope to think he transferred to be with you?  Do you even dare to get your hopes up for him?  To be brushed aside, again?  

It's just a coincidence, you tell yourself.  Just a coincidence, you say.  Just a coincidence, you pray.  

You imagine.  It's all you can do at this point, imagine him.  That perfection that is Akaashi Keiji.  After years of not seeing him, he's more like a figment of your imagination.  You know the way you picture him is outdated, you know for sure he's grown.  But you as much as you try to imagine what he looks like currently, you can't.  It's a defense mechanism, perhaps, a way to preserve those times, the person he used to be.  Maybe it's a way to hold on.  Maybe it's because you know the current him and the current you have too much distance to ever happen.  

You entertain the idea of sending him a text.  You have him on social media, but he's not active.  Although you do see that he always likes Bokuto’s posts, his handle shows as the first one, taunting you each time.  “Liked by keiji.akaashi and 25,381 others.”  The social media algorithms know you too well.  They know you visit his empty profile too often for your own good.

He wouldn't see a text from you, you reason, coming up with excuse after excuse for your cowardice.  You don't say what your subconscious nudges at you.  It'd be devastating if he saw it and didn't respond, or worse, didn't remember who you were.  Because there's no guarantee he would remember.  You'd think he would, but there's a chance he doesn't.  And you can't take that chance.  You couldn't face yourself, if he'd forgotten you.  Because it'd shatter you, and feed the devil on your shoulder.  It would invalidate what you've spent hours dreaming of.  Tears prick at your eyes, mind running a mile a minute.  What if he actually forgot who you were?  It'd ruin you. He'd ruin you, no matter what outcome.  

There's just no way to explain that magnetism.  All your friends thought it was a simple crush, a brief infatuation that would fade eventually.  Maybe he liked you back at one point.  You’re pretty sure he did, at least a little bit.  But even if he did, it wouldn't work.  A lopsided relationship is a one way ticket to splitsville.  Because there's no way, no way he loves you as much as you love him.  You couldn't take it if he did.  

And so it goes.

Whenever it's time to make a wish —birthdays, fallen eyelashes, dandelions, auspicious times— you used to wish he'd love you.  After a few wishes, you decided you didn't need him to love you.  You just wanted to see him, as pathetic as that sounds.  So you began to wish, wish for a chance encounter with him.  You've long since given that up, but every time you hear, "make a wish" it's like you default to wishing to see him.  

It's terrible, the way you habitually look for him whenever you go anywhere.  The way you sweep a room to look for his figure, to feel his presence.  Maybe wishes do come true.  But your wishes have never come true.  He's never there.  Completely unavailable to you.  

He was your god given solace.  He still is somehow, still is your shelter, your protector.  You're not really okay with the fact that that might never change.

[spazztrapavacado]

AA headcannon part 13: The lack of Wrightworth on this blog is a crime and today I fix that with a list <(=w=)>

• The first few times Nick tries to get Edgeworth out on a date to make them actually official, he gets rejected

• But it's for weird reasons like "I do not have the time for dating." or "You'd grow bored with a man like me, you know how reserved I am." or "I can't provide the things you need in a partner, Wright."

• Phoenix did NOT chase this man all these years to get turned down for anything less than a lack of mutual feelings, and he calls him on the fact he hasn't heard Miles say he doesn't share the feelings he has

• Edgeworth, of course, is about to say something to the affect of "I'm sorry, but I do not think of you as anything more than a dear friend." but is entirely unable to spit the lie out, making incoherent noises and getting flustered this isn't an emotion he's able to repress on account he has no experience with this one

• When Phoenix wears him down and takes him out on a date, it's to somewhere nice and private, probably a smaller restaurant he knows Miles hasn't been to

• After the first few, Miles insists on being the one taking Phoenix out for a change

• He panics at not knowing what's an appropriate date setting, completely overcompensates by taking him to somewhere really expensive, and instantly regrets it when they walk through the doors and his broke, lost boyfriend is already uncomfortable in the fancy environment

• After every date where Phoenix walks Miles to his door, Pess insists on greeting the attorney the moment the door opens and Nick is happy to pet and baby talk the dog for as long as he's allowed to

• Miles will never admit it, but he smiles the entire time and would let it go on longer if he weren't sure Wright would attempt to take Pess home if they got along any better

• Edgeworth is the first person Trucy calls when Phoenix isn't picking up the phone

• Yeah, usually it's because our clueless, spikey haired, trouble-magnet left the thing at home or forgot to charge it and hasn't realized it's dead, but she does worry

• Doesn't have to for long, Miles is fully prepared to call any number of other people to ask if they've seen him. He doesn't want to go without being totally sure

• With his luck the time he'd assume Wright was doing alright as always would be the time he really needed help

• Phoenix initiates 90% of any contact between them if it's physical, but Miles does 90% of the planning things because Phoenix's time management is awful

• They both clean a lot. Nick is low-key scared if he doesn't clean he'll go back into a depression because he's started linking it together like 'mess = alcoholism' and he can't go through that again, he's come a long way since then

• Miles thinks that theory is without any logic or sense, that he's worked up for nothing, but if a clean house makes Phoenix feel better, he's gonna help clean it. (not like he doesn't already do his part, but he's mindful of the fact it does mean something)

• When they argue over something, it's always something small. An open fit of bickering is never over anything more than a mild frustration or an inconvenience...

• It's when they aren't arguing that there's a serious problem.

• Wright hates conflict. He's bad at dealing with it, it's all complicated, someone gets hurt, wounds take forever to heal, ect. He will take every chance to avoid it

• Will actually resort to overworking himself at the office sooner than come home and suffer through another night with Miles' back turned to him in their shared bed

• Not being able to hold Miles eats him up inside, and he legitimately cries when they aren't cuddling or holding hands or something while they're in bed. He's just so worried Edgeworth is going to be distant and cold again, that they're losing progress

• Edgeworth is great with physical problems he can solve on his own, no help required, just a few hours at most or a project to work on is perfect and clear. Emotions, however, are a whole other level for him

• Does he apologize? Even if it's not something he did would the sentiment be a fitting one? Maybe he should back off? If he tries to reach out will Phoenix shatter under his palm like those nightmares he used to have? Worse, will Wright snap at him like some kind of angry beast?

• After his mom died, Gregory went to a lot of therapy and picked up a lot of tricks for handling difficult feelings, and was always sharing them with young motherless Mililes, but no one's been around to talk Miles through his feelings since Gregory died.

• Overall, it just leads to long bouts of silence from the both of them when things get serious and they are both so lost

• Thank our respective gods for Trucy, she picks up on that shit SO fast and will not hesitate to get her siblings together for some Wright/Edgeworth couple therapy • • • Athena mediates for them by monitoring their emotions and Apollo to make sure they're not lying to get away from each other Trucy glares when one of them is clearly trying to beat around the bush

• Overall, it's a surprisingly healthy system for them a d they're much better for it

[closetedotaku01]

can i rq for insecure s/o that have a beautiful body but she recently gained weight and kept overthinks it, but none of her friends are helping her out cause they think her body is nice and keeps taking her insecurities lightly.. for kuroo and oikawa pls

Imagine for Kuroo & Oikawa with insecure FEM S/O lacking a support system.

A/N: Wow I love this ask with my whole heart. Even chose two of my favorite characters. And may I just say these two might be the best in this situation, given that they’re captains, and aside from Bokuto captains are very aware of their teams and the general mental state and morale of every person on their team, so they might be the best people for this situation.

TW: Body image issues, self-esteem issues

Now: Imagine time!!! 

Kuroo Tetsurō

-Kuroo would notice you spending more time in the bathroom. More time picking out outfits. And your generally more disgruntled demeanor

-He can tell you’re unhappy, but he cannot tell what about. As far as he knows there’s nothing that’s happened. But he figures you’ll tell him in time whatever is bothering you.

-And then one day he’s out with you and your friends and one of them compliments your outfit and your body.

-He sees the way you immediately flush and reject the compliment. It’s not a humility thing or a simple deflection out of embarrassment, he can see you wholly and fully rejecting the compliment. You don’t even look like it made you feel good.

-He takes your hand in his and is about to ask you if everything’s okay when one of your friends whines about how pretty girls always fish for compliments

-He notices how your chuckle is feigned and your eyes look beyond hurt, watering a bit. How you squeeze his hand slightly.

-Your mutter out something he can’t quite make out over the sound of everyone else talking, but it’s something along the lines of you mentioning your weight gain. And it clicks for him.

-One of your friends talks about how you still look “fine” and he can’t take it anymore. You’re far from fine. As far from fine as it gets. You’re magnificent, an absolute treasure, and fuck them for not noticing that the most beautiful girl in the entire world is not happy

-Fuck them for not seeing it. Fuck them for hurting you. He is not having it.

- “I’m sorry everyone, we’re headed home now,” he says, already standing up and grabbing your purse to hand to you.

-You follow his lead solely because you’re scared if you don’t you might burst into tears in front of everyone and you don’t want to cause a scene.

- “Awww come on where’re you going? Why can’t you guys stay?”

- Kuroo doesn’t miss a beat, “I need some alone time with my gorgeous girlfriend.” He turns to you, speaking barely above a whisper, “You ready to go, love?”

-You nod at his gentle words and head back to your apartment together.

~~~~

When you enter your apartment, Kuroo immediately pulls you into a tight hug. “I’m sorry,” he whispers to you, tucking his body into yours, head into your neck, arms wrapped tight around you.

The tears you’d been holding back fall freely from your eyes and into his shirt, “I’m sorry, Tetsu I--”

He pushes you back, holding your shoulder at an arm’s length, “What are you apologizing for, love? You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.” You can’t meet his eyes, forcing yourself to stare down at the visible extra weight you’ve put on.

“For… not looking like the girl you fell in love with,” it’s all you can say before the sobs start pouring out. Hating your body. Hating yourself. Hating yourself for putting the most caring man you’ve ever known through this with you. 

The sobs tear through your body leaving an aching wreckage in your chest and your stomach and your back and your throat. There’s nothing left undamaged. Every bit of you is in so much pain and is shaking, like the pain you’ve been feeling finally exploded and is trying to escape by any means it can, fighting to escape even through your shaking fingertips. 

Kuroo puts his hand to one cheek and wipes the tears on that side, he bends down so his face is in front of yours, “Look at me.” His voice is soft and comforting filled with the love, care, and respect you had grown used to, but these words were packed full of them. Even when you knew you didn’t deserve all the affection.

He inhales deeply, “Deep breath in through your nose,” he exhales softly, smiling with his eyes as he blows lightly on your tears sending coolness into your burning cheeks, “And out through your mouth.”

You copy him as he repeats this until your breathing steadies. Until your heart has stopped slamming against your chest. Until the pain in your body is reduced to a dull ache.

Your eyes are still on his, and he’s looking at you with passionate love and fierce compassion, “There she is. There’s my beautiful girlfriend,” he says with a shy smile.

“I’m not---” a sob threatens to reappear, but you catch it in your throat.

“Love, you are beyond gorgeous. Your body is so sexy and still so adorable and pretty. I don’t know how you do it,” he kisses the crown of your head, “you mean the world to me,” a kiss to your forehead, “and if you call my world anything less than a goddess, anything less than perfection,” he kisses both of your eyelids and the tip of your nose in quick succession, “I will have to fight you.” He punctuates his sentence by planting a kiss on your lips.

“Tetsu, just because you’re my boyfriend, doesn’t mean you have to lie to me. It actually means you shouldn’t lie to me. And I know I don’t look good like this.”

His shoulders fall. And he has a sad expression on his face, but his eyes are still happy and you can see the smile tugging on his lips as he looks down, “Oh I get it,” he takes a long pause, “you think I have bad taste.”

You hit his arm playfully, “Tetsu, I’m serious!”

“So am I!” he shoots back, chuckling lightly.

“Okay, love, I know you don’t believe me. But you are seriously gorgeous. Completely, out of this world gorgeous. Beyond any person, place, or thing I have ever seen. The whole cosmos comes together to make the Earth and everything in it and around it, and the only part of any of it that’s worth seeing is you.”

His words feel raw and sincere, but you’re about to reject his kindness when he says the words you’ve been waiting for, “But you don’t see yourself that way. And that means you’re wrong…. But you do deserve to feel as beautiful as you are. And to feel as happy as you always make me. So if you want to come with me on my runs or if you want me to help you with anything let me know. I think you’re gorgeous but more than anything you deserve to be happy with how you look. So I’ll be right there by your side to get you there safely and healthily.”

You start to tear up again, your chest welling with love for the man before you. You collapse into his hold, and he holds you tight. He pulls away slightly to get a look at your face, “On one condition.”

You nod.

“I disagree, but I still believe that you don’t see yourself as beautiful. So even if you disagree ... can you please believe me when I say I know you’re absolutely bewitching.”

You nod again, and he pulls you in close to his body, happy to have brought you peace. 

Oikawa Tōru

-It wasn’t intended to wound you. In full honesty, it wasn’t intended for you. But you’d heard it nonetheless and it was roaring through your mind.

- “Pretty people never date down.”

-You’d heard in passing as you walked down the street. But the words bounced around, rattling everything in your mind.

-You never thought of yourself as particularly pretty, but you’d certainly done yourself no favors by putting on a healthy amount of “relationship weight”.

-You tried going to your friends, desperately craving some semblance of comfort or hope for your relationship with THE universally recognized pretty boy Oikawa Tōru.

-They shot back sarcastic comments about your “pretty girl problems”

- “Former pretty girl problems" was the only thing your brain could shoot back, determined to push you into a hole with the crushing anxieties you had about your body now doubled up with losing the person you loved and trusted most in your life.

-You walked into your apartment, your boyfriend on his laptop watching and rewatching one of his games, taking notes on his performance as well as the performance of each of his peers.

~~~~

“Hey baby how was your day?” his words are unfocused. Almost like he’s reading from a script as he jots down more notes and rewinds to rewatch the same play again.

“Terrible,” you say, honestly believing he’d be too caught up in his game to care. Who’d care for the ugly girl they were stuck with anyway? He probably stuck with you out of sheer pity.

He immediately paused the game and turned back to face you, “Aww no, what happened, baby? Come here.” his arms were open wide for you on the couch. 

“You know you can leave,” you said before you could think better of it. You regretted it. You didn’t want him to know that. You selfishly wanted him to stay with you forever, even if only out of pity. But… he did deserve better.

“What?” he asks quirking a brow, aware of how serious you sound, “I don’t want to… leave. Do you just need some alone time, Y/N? I can go on a run or something if you need some time to clear your head.”

“I meant ... leave me,” you say, your voice weaker and higher this time as tears that you hadn’t even felt forming started blurring your vision threatening to spill any moment.

He was in front of you in a heartbeat, “I’m sorry. I’ve been focusing too much on other things, haven’t I? I promise I don’t wan--”

“No the problem is you’re focusing too much on me!” your voice comes out as a yell and you see the half-step he takes, backing away from you, “you deserve better Tōru. You should want to leave.” With that, the tears spill over and your legs give in as you fall pathetically to the ground.

This moment is the very reason he should leave. You can’t even hold yourself together. You’re not pretty, you’re not strong, you’ve yelled at him when he’s done nothing wrong… you hardly deserve him.

You feel his hand meet your cheek and you flinch slightly at the contact, but neither of you move. His hand drifts down to your chin, lifting your face up so your eyes meet his. Your anger and sadness triple down on you when you see he’s got a fake smile on, his eyes rimmed red, tears forming because of you.

“I love you. I am not leaving you. Full stop. So please tell me what’s bothering you, baby.”

You want to ignore him. You want to grab your things and leave so he can get started on finding a better match so he wasn’t stuck dating down. With his body and mind and humor and kindness, he’d have no trouble. He had a million fans on standby at any given moment anyway.

But you don’t. You don’t pack. You don’t leave. You instead, pull his body into yours, desperately clutching his shirt with whitened knuckles, sobbing into him. 

With time you let his strong arms bring you peace. With your body molded tight against his, you eventually match his breathing, steadying yourself. His smell grounds you, the feeling of his hand in your hair calms you, and the soft, gentle praises he coos into your ear center you. Effectively, he slays every intrusive thought in your mind.

“You’re so perfect for me.”

“I never want to leave you.”

“You’ve made me the man I am today. I wouldn’t be here without you.”

“I know the path to being my best self, is a path I’ll only be able to walk with you by my side.”

“You’re my whole world, baby. Please stop discounting yourself.”

“I wouldn’t change one thing about you, baby. Not even your stupid jokes. Not even the way you tease me.”

“I love your mind and the way you think. How kind and passionate you are. How you support me through everything. How you take such good care of me and everyone you love. God, I love the way you love. I love how wholly and completely you give love. And I love your body, baby. I love how pretty your face is, how perfectly your body fits with mine, how completely, mind-blowingly sexy you are. All of you. There’s not one part of you I am not head over heels in love with. We’re an absolute knockout of a couple, but you are by far the better half. Baby, please believe that because it is the truth.”

Every word is woven between kisses and touches and the easing of your whole body and mind. There was no way these words were planned. They were genuine. You could hear the authenticity in his voice, even though the unpleasant raspiness that had formed as he desperately tried to hold back his own tears. He had you whipped. Completely convinced.

You belonged here right in his arms. Right up next to him. As close as the world would allow any two people to get.

After you’d calmed down completely he asked without looking at you so he could keep you close, “What happened?”

You told him everything. The words you heard. How they beat around in your head, leaving a cold thunderous ache throughout your body. How your support system had failed you. How he had saved you from the treacherous thoughts that were certain to continue sending you spiraling downward if he hadn’t fixed everything simply by being him. And how much you treasure him.

He let out a breathy laugh, that soon grew into a full-on laugh as the tears finally left his eyes.

“It’s not funny Tōru!” you pout, basking in the sweet sound of his deep laughter.

“I know,” he says, still laughing. He clears his throat and does his best to stifle down the laughter, but it keeps bubbling up, “I know, baby. I know. But you know how I feel and you know that’s not going to change.”

“Then why are you laughing,” you ask, giggling as you wipe the last of your tears from your face and wipe the ones from his. 

“All I can think of,” the laughter breaks through his sentence, but he regains his composure, “is that you think I’m the prettier one.”

You hit his arm as you two laugh on the floor behind the couch, perfectly at ease with the man who you adore, and who adores you.

~~~~

Also just a reminder: Weight =/= beauty. So whether you are plus-sized, or thin, curvy, or flat, your body is perfect as it is. Just please stay healthy and happy and that’s all it takes. “Fat” does not mean ugly. “Skinny” does not mean ugly. Please stop associating these words. They’re not the same.

Beauty is your kindness and your compassion and your integrity. Your will to fight another day, your will to stand up for others, your will to give voice to the voiceless. It’s the way you look when you’re passionate and the way you constantly bring joy to others. So while I personally do understand associating my worth and my beauty with my weight, we all know that it’s just incorrect. Beauty does not fall into any physical mold, so please don’t try to hold yourself to a mold that was created by people who profit off your insecurity. You are you, and that is a goddamn blessing. You are you and that is more than enough. Your body is perfect. Please be kind. 

[majorsoapfan]

Umbrella Academy Season 3 Wish list

This is a long one so buckle up:

Let Klaus and Allison take centre-stage this season in leading the plot. Both are incredible characters and deserve the chance to shine. And I can think of several reasons why they deserve the chance to take centre-stage: out of the whole Academy their powers are some of the most fascinating and in Klaus’ case he has so many that haven’t been revealed yet. They’ve both suffered and lost a lot as well, particularly in season 2 and their hardships tend to get ignored by others. Their relationship together is already really interesting and supportive and they would be an awesome team up. There’s more but I’ll be here forever if I tried to list them.

No Apocalypse. The world ending in eight days was a great plot driver in season 1 and again in season 2 with the reveal that the end of the world actually followed the Umbrella’s back in time. But if the same thing gets repeated over and over then I’m worried that the show will lose it’s edge as a result. In order for the characters to develop new crisis's need to take its place.

Let Five have a rest. Even if it’s just for an episode or two so he can get a solid eight hours sleep if nothing else. For the last two seasons Five has been running around non-stop trying to stop the end of the world and save his family. Without that Five can grow as a person and get a literal break that he really hasn’t gotten in 45 years.

Oh course that doesn’t mean I want Five out of the drama entirely and I do expect to see Reginald and Five scenes in season 3. Five is the only one of his original children that the bastard seemed to tolerate and he did seem to have some form of twisted respect for Five as well. And I wouldn’t put it past the monocle monster to have some twisted plans in store for the eldest member of the Umbrella Academy. He’s had fifty years to plan for the Umbrella’s return after all.

The Sparrows. I just saw the line up of the Sparrows for season three and I am honestly so interested. I can’t wait to see what their powers are like and I already have some ideas. They have so much potential and hopefully they’ll be done well. And so far they seem to be written as the Umbrella’s foils. Marcus is a natural leader who loves his family, while Luther forces himself into the role and alienated his family as a result. Both Ben and Diego long to be the leader but while Diego is more emotional, Ben’s more strategic. Five is driven by his love and desire to protect his family, while Sloane feels held back by hers. Vanya was treated as an outcast and betrayed her siblings trust while Christopher, a literal Cube, is said to be loyal and is treated as a loved family member 

That being said though, I don’t want the Sparrows to be the main focus this season or have the attention split between them and the Umbrella’s. Because while I do want to see the Sparrows and their family dynamic and how they interact with the Umbrella’s, I would prefer to see how the Umbrella Hargreeves’ cope with their existent and how this impacts them and how they move forward with this. Or a team up between Sparrows and Umbrella’s would be fine. Or multiple team ups, I’m not picky.

There is a really good fan theory out there about Klaus and Five being twins and while I know that in the comics it’s Luther and Five, the fan theory in season 3 would be so much better in my opinion. And in all honesty it makes so much more sense. Physically they are strikingly similar, especially as children. Their powers both concentrate in their hands and emit a blue glow when they use them. Their powers themselves are literally time and death, which are linked and they have additive personalities, which can be inherited between family members. And I can’t help but feel that this moment:

lends a new level to their relationship then what we see with them as adults. Look at how alike they are! And that fond smile that Five is giving Klaus? Making them twins opens up a wide range of possibilities for Klaus and Five both character and plot wise.

Give Luther a proper love interest. And I can’t believe that this even has to be said but his sister does not count! Literally all of siblings have have romantic interests, all of them so important in the Umbrella’s life in some way or another. It would be nice too to see Luther form a healthy romantic connection for the first time in his life.

While I’m on the subject of Luther and healthy relationships, it also brings me back to the Sparrows and how their number one Marcus seems to be Luther’s foil. And it would be interesting for the show to explore just how seeing the Sparrows and someone so similar to Luther might just affect him. He did spend thirty years of his life after all being Reginald’s little solider and believing that his position as Number One made him the family leader only to find out it was all for nothing. Only Marcus seems to be respected in his position as leader and loves his family dearly, while Luther was mocked and seems to have driven all of his siblings bar Allison away from him because of it. This has incredible potential for Luther’s character arc this season especially if it makes him acknowledge his behaviour to his siblings as they were growing up; particularly to Klaus and Vanya who probably got the worst of it. Allison after all was his closest companion, Diego was his rival (more or less), Ben seemingly got on with everyone and Five would have bitten Luther’s head off if he tried anything. But Reginald’s disappointments Klaus and Vanya? Luther, wanting to impress their dad and follow his orders probably didn’t treat them the best. And I want Luther to admit that and apologise and make the next step in becoming a better person and brother. He’s made incredible progress in season 2, but I don’t want his past treatment of his siblings to be swept under the rug. It needs to be acknowledged and Luther needs to admit it was wrong so he can grow. 

Can we get Diego’s season one hair back too? I wondered just how it got that long considering that he was only in the sixties for around three months. Klaus makes sense as he was in the sixties for years. Plenty of time for him to grow it out, not really for Diego. But I really prefer his season one hair so can it make a comeback please?

What I want to see for Vanya this season is for her to realize that she doesn’t need powers to be special. I kinda noticed that she seems to have defined her worth on her powers and that’s not healthy. So a potential scenario: Reginald seems to have made the power-suppressing drug himself, so he may still have it in season 3. Imagine Vanya getting a dose of it that knocks her powers out for a good chunk of time and in the meantime some of her siblings are in danger (I’m picturing Luther and Diego here the himbos) and she ends up saving them. Not with her powers but because of her intelligence and other skills that she has and she realizes that she doesn’t need her powers to be special or to save the day. A logical step in character growth.

Getting some closure on season 2 character like Sissy, Ray, Grace, the Cult (which I really didn’t like) and the Swede and what happened to them once the Umbrella’s left the sixties. And maybe finding out what happened to season one’s characters since the Umbrella’s didn’t exist in this timeline: Agnes, Patch, Leonard, Pogo, Claire.

For Klaus and Umbrella Ben to talk about their issues and make up. I know that our Ben is now up there with the little girl in the sky but that has not stopped Klaus from visiting heaven before. And I think that if Klaus and Ben do not get at least one final conversation to talk through their issues next season then I will sue. They both did crappy things to each other in season two but they both love each other dearly and they deserve the chance to get the closure they both need. I think that Klaus will definitely need it in order to move on completely.

I know I said no Apocalypse but I’m still going to be expecting some major crisis to happen during the last few episodes. An alien invasion or Sparrows trying to kill the Umbrella's maybe? But no matter what the problem is, I really want Klaus to get his moment to shine by being the one to save the day. Reginald said himself that Klaus has untapped potential and we know thanks to the comics what other powers he has. And thanks to Ben’s antics at the family dinner the old bastard has probably written him off as useless and not a threat when making plans to deal with the Umbrella’s. Which means nobody is going to be looking at Klaus or considering him a potential threat to their plans, leaving Klaus relatively safe to start exploring and enhancing his powers. He was supposed to be the one to have done it in season one with the moon and his abilities were brushed to the side completely in season two or used for Ben’s benefit so I think he’s long overdue his moment to shine. And maybe then will the rest of his siblings stop seeing Klaus as a joke.

Lila. I don’t think we’ve seen the last of her, her story felt unfinished and she does have a briefcase. She could pop at any moment in the story. She has so much potential and I did love her actress. Imagine her and Five forcing to team up or something? Or maybe her and Allison?

Another character I’d like to see return is Hazel. He’s someone who really grew on me. And there is a chance that he could return and maybe team up with the Umbrella’s this season. Potential scenarios: Five on the hunt for allies to help him restore the timeline hunts down Hazel who in this timeline is working with the Commission and because the Umbrellas don’t exist hasn’t met Agnes yet. Maybe something happened to her because of the Sparrows?

Finally Dave. I’m a huge Dave fan but I really don’t want him to show up in season three. Or if he does then for the smallest amount of time possible just to give Klaus some ‘closure’. Time travel is in the Umbrella Academy universe after all and it’s possible that by Klaus warning Dave about his faith and causing him to enlist earlier and in a different branch as a result he’s saved Dave and opened up the possibility of seeing Commission!Dave later. Which is the perfect storyline for season 4. Season three is only 10 episodes long and there’ll be a lot going on already so shoving Dave into what will already be a pretty packed season won’t give Dave the attention he deserves and will take away from the other focus. Not only that but Klaus’ motivation for the last two seasons is doing something for either Dave or Ben. I want to see Klaus train his powers either for himself or to help someone else. Also, Dave deserves the chance to grow as a character as well and making him a part of season 3 would take away from the main focus of the Umbrella’s and Sparrows. Making him a main focus in season four instead if we get one will give a great opportunity story-wise to develop both him and Klaus as individuals and as a couple.

[sobdasha]

had a few more thoughts about the Honda family

and all the Souma parallels.

(and by “a few” I apparently meant “a lot”, I did not mean to write this many pages)

In the other post I’d made a comment about how Katsuya’s romance with Kyouko, severe age difference issues aside, is just plain pathetic, a point which I believe to be Upheld by canon. And I wanted to talk more about that, the implications of that, and how that further builds the Akito and Tohru parallel. And also, Why Tohru Can’t Love Her Mom And Kyou At The Same Time.

The ideal, in Fruits Basket, is that when you make a connection with one person who loves you and sees you, this will enable you to make further connections with the people around you. Tohru does a whole heck of a lot of this; for one example, see Yuki explaining this to Kisa in the liking-yourself speech. Yuki does some of this for bitty Haru and later for Machi. Kazuma does this for Kyou. And so on and so forth. The positive experiences are meant to have a ripple effect.

It’s important to be grateful for what you have (Yuki and Machi’s “just one person would be enough” scene), but it’s human to crave more than that (Kyouko telling Saki that it’s probably normal to want other people to accept you even if you already have a loving and supportive family). It is important to crave more than that.

This was, in fact, the entire point of the curse. God meets cat. Cat’s companionship allows god to form connections with other animals. Cat is dying and god decides that 13 friends is the perfect number of friends and starts the reincarnation cycle. Cat says, “god you never once left your house. I wanted to see you go down and make friends with the humans. I wanted to see you experience the world and laugh in the sunlight. God you made 13 new friends but you’re still lonely and closing yourself off to the world forever, this is wrong and I am sad.” The banquets were supposed to be the gateway drug of friendship and meaningful connections, not the place where 14 souls stagnated alone and isolated until it became a curse.

That same wrongness happens in Ren and Akira’s relationship, where finally making a connection with one person who loves you and sees you made their world smaller and smaller. It wasn’t healthy, probably because 1) they remained in a toxic environment, 2) Kureno implies that Ren has mental health issues and I assume those existed prior to Akira’s death and were exacerbated, rather than created by, her grief; also I can’t imagine she actually came from a non-toxic family herself, and 3) Akira’s “you’re going to die an early death and the only thing we need from you first is a successor” trauma. Akira never found anyone other than Ren who understood how upset he was. Ren never formed a relationship with anyone other than Akira, partly because she was now trapped in a toxic family that despised everything about her and she refused to Prove Them Right by leaving. They both viewed their child as an object rather than a person; Akira seeing proof that he and Ren were definitely OTP and the Souma could go shove it, and Ren seeing a Rival.

I have a memory that I said at some point—probably in a Talking About Shigure post—that Kyouko helps Katsuya connect with other people. But this, I think, is not really true. I was thinking of how Kyouko helps bridge the non-relationship between Katsuya and his father. But that’s just one person.

Really, Katsuya and Kyouko are more like Akira and Ren.

Marrying-someone-who-just-graduated-ninth-grade aside, the fact that Katsuya and Kyouko meet is genuinely a good thing. Katsuya finally connects with the humanity in another person. Kyouko is finally cared about as a person. Their misanthropic-jackass-and-abandoned-cat relationship improves both of them, probably. Their connection is definitely the reason Kyouko decides to go to high school and quit her gang. It’s harder to tell with Katsuya, but you could argue that seeing Kyouko struggling and fighting and screaming against the world, as honest about her joy as she is about her loneliness-channeled-into-rage, causes Katsuya to say screw it and pursue the career in pharmacy that he’s interested in, instead of fake-politely submitting to the world’s expectations and internally resenting and disdaining everyone around him.

Katsuya softens in his relationship with his father. Both Katsuya and Kyouko see their child as a person in her own right, Tohru, rather than an object. Katsuya, in fact, is adamant about that fact when Kyouko is terrified of her pregnancy—that they can treat their baby as her own person, and if they aren’t perfect parents and they hurt their child, they’ll apologize—because Tohru is a person and an equal—and admit that what they did was wrong and why it’s wrong. They’ll treat Tohru with the respect they should have gotten all along.

But I don’t think it ever goes any farther than that. Like god, the Honda family becomes more and more isolated.

Does Katsuya make any work friends? We don’t really get a complete view of their lives, because Takaya is one person who can only do so much and space is very precious, so we only see what’s crucial to the story. But I would be really surprised to find that Katsuya had made any close friends outside of Kyouko. I honestly doubt that he has anything more than casual work acquaintances. (In contrast, we repeatedly see Kyou together with the two guys who got names in the anime that I forgot in his class; his friendship with them doesn’t get explored much in the manga, presumably because it doesn’t do any heavy lifting for his character development, but Kyou clearly has casual friends who seek him out and whom he doesn’t mind being with. See also the way Saki and Arisa also interact with those guys as a part of the group, while Tohru really only interacts with Saki and Arisa or the Souma.)

And I don’t think Kyouko fares any better. Does she have any close friends, other than her husband and daughter? Does she make friends at work? I don’t know what kind of work Kyouko does, and if she would have the opportunity to take her breaks socializing with coworkers. But it appears she spends her work breaks in an abandoned area socializing with a first or second grader. Kyou is the only person, as far as we know, that mid-twenties Kyouko can start to open up to. She doesn’t get all the way there—Kyou doesn’t connect the dots until much later—but it’s the closest she comes to talking about how she hurt Tohru after Katsuya died.

Where are the family friends? It doesn’t strike me as weird that the Honda family doesn’t have them, because I have also grown up in a poorly socialized household, but even I am used to running into unfamiliar people in public who explain that they know my mom or dad. I’m pretty sure family friends are a normal thing, and that’s how you get aunts and uncles that aren’t related to you, much in the same way that I’m pretty sure it’s normal to be friends with your cousins (especially if they’re in a similar age range and live nearby) and it is very common for grandparents to bring grandchildren with them to the grocery store because the grandchildren are staying over and they’re having a relationship.

Where is anyone but the Honda family at at Kyouko’s funeral? Kyouko made friends with Arisa and Saki, but did she ever make friends with Saki’s parents? Where are Saki’s loving and supportive mother and father and grandmother when the Honda family is arguing about who has to take on the burden of Tohru? Where are they, if they knew of the bad blood between Kyouko and the Honda family (and the disinheritance between Kyouko and the Katsunuma family), to sweep over Tohru’s protestations and tell her that it will all be fine, they’ll make it work out (they packed up and moved house for Saki, after all), it’s not Tohru’s job to worry about being a burden, it’s the job of people who love her to take care of her?

It can be both “because of the necessity of the plot” and “because they didn’t know.”

Tohru inherits this small, isolated world. And because of the trauma of being abandoned by her grieving, depressed, absolutely-not-coping mother, Tohru picks up on that Souma curse mentality. Tohru’s dad left, and Tohru’s dad tried to take her mom with her, leaving her with no one but Grandpa (who is not intimately part of their world but is not fully outside it either). Tohru’s dad is now a Rival. Tohru’s dad is now an Outsider. Clearly, a bond with an Outsider weakens the True Bond that Tohru had with Kyouko. Clearly, Tohru’s dad is Not Needed (because the other alternative is that Tohru is Not Needed). Clearly, only one of them can have Kyouko.

And it’s going to be Tohru.

Tohru picks up Katsuya’s fake-polite speech, equally disingenuously but from the opposite direction (ie, Katsuya was fake-polite to be an asshole, and Tohru is genuinely polite but faking the words). Tohru is pretty sure this is a form of wicked manipulation (much like Yuki is convinced that “be kind unto others as you would have them be kind unto you” is a form of wicked manipulation). Tohru keeps up with it anyway. Kyouko, as Kyou suggests, was probably comforted by this; rather than going full Akira “you exist to prove that I lived and loved a woman”, seeing Katsuya’s mannerisms in Tohru reminds her that her husband did exist without having to erase Tohru as a person. Kyouko does a lot of growing on her own, but with no support system and no friends outside the family and being fresh-out-of-college age, it’s not surprising that she fails to talk with Tohru about this, and tell Tohru that she knows why Tohru’s doing this, she knows how she hurt Tohru and it was wrong, you don’t have to do this anymore. This is a hurt between them, a grief, that they never talk about, even though they both know it’s there and Kyouko tries to smother it with love and affection and Tohru tries to shut it up in a box of denial.

Tohru’s world is now just Tohru and Kyouko. Tohru doesn’t make any friends until middle school. We know she gets bullied and doesn’t fit in throughout her entire school life. She is a riceball in a fruits basket and probably just manages to scrape by in conformity culture. When she does make her first friends, Arisa and Saki don’t count as Outsiders who compromise Tohru’s bond with her mom because Arisa and Saki are also misfits on the fringe. They are outcasts Tohru can bring into the circle. They are all monsters together, like the cursed Soumas (the only reason no one refers to Akito as a monster to her face, the way they do the rest of the Zodiac, probably has less to do with the fact that Akito doesn’t transform and more to do with the fact that Akito being in a position of power is useful for their own ends, so best not to undermine the head of the family by pointing the whole monster thing out).

And then Tohru’s mom dies.

Tohru isn’t god and she can’t make an eternal banquet. Tohru doesn’t know how to process her grief and how not to fall to pieces. Tohru knows how to empathize with other people, but she doesn’t know how to be vulnerable. Did she remember Kyouko wanting to follow Katsuya, and think about doing the same? But Tohru also wants to keep living, somehow.

So she makes her mom not be gone. Her mom is dead, Tohru knows that, just like Akito knows that Akira’s soul isn’t in the box choosing her over Ren and showing her the way to happiness. But maybe. So she talks to the portrait of her mom. She tries to rescue her mom from suffocating inside a mudslide. She takes her mom on holiday to the onsen. Her mom gets kidnapped once by Hiro. Tohru’s mom is definitely not gone. Tohru and her mom definitely still have an eternal bond. Tohru’s mom will always be first in her heart, so that Tohru will always be first in her mother’s heart. Tohru will never abandon her. Tohru will never leave her behind.

(Tohru will never be left behind.)

Tohru’s world is just Tohru and her mom.

Tohru has two best friends, Arisa and Saki, but she won’t let them in. She won’t depend on them. She won’t tell that that her grief is crushing her and that she’s living in a tent because she’s terrified of being abandoned. Tohru makes a lot of new friends in the Souma family, and she’s very happy, but she won’t let them in either. Tohru can’t open up to any of them freely.

I don’t think I saved it anywhere the survived the computer death, but I saw at least one post in the fandom talking about the growing disappointment of the reboot anime, and they had a valid point, so I’ll bring that in now.

I really like the reboot, but I am losing my passion in the final season. Adapting a story from one media to another is hard, and at the beginning I thought they were doing a good job. Small things were being cut, scenes were being rearranged and stitched together, but there was a definite purpose behind it. Instead of literally following each chapter, each episode tried to be a self-contained theme in the same way a manga chapter would be. Because themes repeat again and again in Fruits Basket in a slow build, this was working well. But small things that didn’t quite fit got cut. Scenes I liked and was sad not to see, but that I accepted had to be left out to make the episodes stronger.

But they’ve been piling up and piling up. Small holes have accumulated into big plot holes that the third season is tripping over. I’m sad that we don’t see the small progressions of Yuki and Machi’s relationship, the quiet scenes that show Machi is trying to pay attention to Yuki the way he has paid attention to her, and also all the Mogetas. I’m sad Komaki is the new manga-only character. If we don’t get Kyouko’s full backstory, we lose a lot of the context that’s in this post. I could go on and on.

But most importantly, as that someone else pointed out, we missed out on the progression of Kyou and Tohru’s flirting. It’s too late to cram all of that into a montage episode, and so now we’ve been given episode after episode of Mom Tohru, and hardly any Tohru Struggling With Romance In Addition To Struggling With Grief before suddenly everyone is confessing their love and I’m not as into it in the anime as I am in the manga.

So many of the Souma love and accept Tohru, but Tohru remains an Outsider—not because of the curse, but because she hasn’t formed close friendships with them. Tohru has a lot of people among the Souma she likes who like her, but she’s always a Mom to them. Tohru shares some of her own pain with them, but it’s shared for their benefit, not for Tohru’s own catharsis. Tohru shares so she will be loved, not so that she will be accepted.

Except Kyou.

Kyou, who looks at Tohru and thinks, “I’m pretty sure she’s that lonely person even now, even while she’s smiling and genuinely enjoying every moment with us.” Kyou, who’s falling in love with Tohru. Kyou, whom Tohru’s falling in love with.

Kyou is the only one that Tohru takes a desperate risk with. Kyou is the only one Tohru ~disillusions~ and ~disappoints~ in the hope that he’ll accept her regardless.

Kyou is the only one Tohru tells, “I don’t talk about my dad because I kicked him out of the family. I know my dad loved us and I loved him back, but I pretend to talk like him so my mom will forget about him and love me instead. He came between me and my mom and now I pretend he doesn’t exist. And I know I’m an awful person for behaving like that, so I keep his picture and pretend I don’t, and I pretend he’s the Bad Guy who earned it.”

The idea that Tohru can’t love both her mom and Kyou is, in a way, true. (I think that same post I’ve been referencing also talked about how dropping the budding romance also dropped a lot of the clues that this is Tohru unable to process her grief? Which is also very true. But if Tohru has the Souma mindset, then actually she has a legit point about not being able to love two people at once despite being a very loving person. Both can be true. Multitudes.)

Kyou is an Outsider to the world of Tohru and her mom. And if Tohru chooses to love him, it will weaken her bond with her mom, which is predicated on loving her mom more than anyone else. If she expands her world to include him in it, she will be betraying her mom. Tohru will be the Bad Guy who left her mom behind and abandoned her. Tohru will be her own villain, condemned for the same crimes she pinned on her dad.

Kyou 100% gets where she’s coming from with this, because he turns this exact argument on her when she confesses to him and he panics (akin to when Tohru chases him down in his true form and he slashes her and, in the reboot, yeets her into the lake, so that she will be hurt so bad she’ll never pity/love him again). He asks her if her love for her mom—her bond—was just a lie.

Tohru making friends after Kyouko’s death has been a lot like Akito letting Yuki and Kyou out into the world, certain that it would drive them back to the bond. Yuki getting character development is a huge betrayal. Tohru wanting to be together with Kyou, when she should only want to be together with her mom, is a huge betrayal.

Tohru has no model for expanding her world. She’s good at loving people, but bad at letting them in (Kyouko was bad at that too—like Mom Tohru, she was very good at sharing anecdotes about her violent youth, but very bad about sharing how she’d failed Tohru as a mom). Like Akito, she only really knows the bond—the certainty that her mom would love her. She’s been so terrified of not being loved that she’s acted this entire time like her mom is still around. When Kyou’s love is a possibility, she can only conceptualize it as a betrayal of her relationship with her mother.

It always seemed a bit too abrupt that Tohru looked at Akito with the knife and went “oh shit we’re literally the same”, but now that I’ve thought this all out, it makes eloquent sense. The whole time Tohru’s been working against the curse, she’s been in denial about her own blessing-burden-curse. Now that she’s just admitted it and had it thrown back in her face, she can look at Akito and see another person in an insular little world, isolated and lonely and walled-off from the world. Of course Tohru desperately wants to make friends with knife-wielding Akito—she just decided to let go of her ties to her mother that were suffocating her, and take her first steps into the world, and got immediately dumped by the person she loves. Of course she wants to make friends with someone who knows exactly where Tohru’s coming from and how terrifying what Tohru just did is and how awful it is to be rejected even though she’s got other friends she loves out here in this world she’s decided to finally step into.

Tohru is so damn lonely, and Akito is there, also lonely and screaming and crying and undeniably human.

(Smile, Tohru tells herself in the hospital. Smile and tell Kyou you were happy to meet him and just let him go. Don’t be a curse. Smile and let him find his own happiness. Which is more or less the same struggle Akito is also going through. But maybe they’re going through it together. Maybe they used their words, together, when they couldn’t confide in anyone else. Although it feels a bit unlikely that Tohru let herself break down about Kyou in front of Akito, and Akito already had one pity-party in front of Momiji and may not have wanted to burden Tohru with a second.)

One thing I really love about Fruits Basket Another is that Hajime alludes to the fact that Kyou probably won’t inherit Kazuma’s dojo after all.

Kyou inheriting the dojo is something both Kyou and Kazuma have wanted, and it gives me many warm fuzzies. It is very narratively satisfying. The dojo, while Souma property, is not actually part of the main estate.

What I love is that Kyou probably won’t take over the dojo specifically because he and Tohru have made so many friends in their new town that they don’t want to pick up and leave. Kyou finally succeeds in freeing Tohru from that small, lonely world, much like he’s been freed from the fate of the Cat Room. Their relationship enriches them personally and also enables them to make so many new connections. Kyou has friends at the dojo! Tohru has friends at work maybe! Friends where they buy groceries, friends among the parents of their children’s classmates, friends outside of their extended Souma family! They’ve kept ties that don’t hold them back and made new ties that don’t weaken or steal away any of their old ties!

When they left Tokyo, Tohru was prepared to go anywhere as long as it was with Kyou. Now, she and Kyou both don’t want to leave because their world is so much larger than just their nuclear family and they’ve put down roots. They’ve seen each other not only lonely in the moonlight and worn thin by death and loss, but they’ve gotten up and gone down the mountain to where the people live and made friends among them, laughing in the sunlight. Just like the cat always uggghhhhh I’m not crying I’m just so damn happy for them I can’t

[immaturityofthomasastruc]

#10: Felix, Part Two: The Episode Itself

Here’s Part 1

So, uh... here's the thing. I was going to divide this post into three parts, but I had to cancel the third part where I analyze the stuff involving Astruc defending the episode on Twitter, specifically a certain scene that really showed off some serious double standards in regards to the way Adrien is being written, because Astruc deleted most of his tweets regarding the episode. I wonder why he did that? I thought he wanted to expose himself publicly and interact in a peaceful way.

So yeah, instead of a big three-parter, this is going to be a two-parter, and I apologize for that. I might be able to do a third part if anyone has any screenshots of some of the tweets Astruc made after “Felix” aired. If you did, I would really appreciate it, but if not, it's fine.

Either way, let's just get this over with, because I have SO MUCH to talk about. My friend, can your heart stand the shocking facts about Season 3, Episode 23 of Miraculous Ladybug, “Felix”?

So we start off with what Gabriel does for half of his scenes when he isn't Hawkmoth, monologuing to his (possibly) dead wife, Emilie about how Ladybug and Cat Noir's Miraculous will soon be his and all that crap. Sure, he's sent God knows how many Akumas after Ladybug and Cat Noir, and they've all failed miserably, but I'm positive he's getting close to his goal.

After he finishes cleaning his and Emilie's silver wedding rings that sadly don't allow them to transform into Ultraman Ace, Gabriel goes to check on Adrien, singing to a statue of Emilie (glad to see the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree), intending to tell him that he is Hawkmoth.

Gabriel: There is something important I have to talk to you about. I think about telling you every day, but I don't know how to find the right words.

Adrien: I think I already know, father.

Gabriel: But, how?

Adrien: I've noticed how close you and Nathalie have become. If she can make you happy again, then... as far as I'm concerned, she's already part of our family.

Yeah, apparently it's obvious that Gabriel and Nathalie are close or something, with how casually Adrien assumes they're planning on starting a relationship. I mean, it's not like Nathalie is close to Gabriel because she's his secretary or something like that.

Gabriel's response isn't any better, as he immediately jumps down Adrien's throat for daring to assume he might try to move on from his wife.

Gabriel: How could you possibly think such a thing?! Nobody could ever replace your mother! As long as she is still in our hearts, she lives on!

Even Adrien's face shows he's a little taken back by his father's brief outburst.

Part of me likes to assume that Plagg is trying to not break out into laughter at how crazy Gabriel sounds, while Nooroo is mentally questioning the sanity of his master.

Plagg: Wow! Your father's like a piece of tomme cheese, where the rind's so thick it's almost impossible to get inside the center.

Adrien: Don't be so hard on him, Plagg. It's been a year today since Mom... went away forever.

Oh my God, just say she DIED already! Why are so many kids' shows afraid to say the D-word? How can I cite an episode of Caillou of all shows as something that that actually talked about death to it's audience in a nuanced way?

It turns out that Adrien's aunt is visiting for the day, as it's the one-year anniversary of Emilie's “going away forever”. We also learn that the gene pool in Adrien's family is so shallow, a toddler could swim in it, because Emilie's sister looks exactly like her.

Even better, her name is Amelie. I bet the parents thought naming their kids Emilie and Amelie was hilarious for like three minutes.

And of course, she also brought her son, the asshole of the hour.

Someone cue the Imperial March.

So Felix is finally here, and of course, he looks just like Adrien. It's almost like the animators didn't want to create any new character models for this episode, so they thought nobody would notice if they just reused a few. Seriously, towards the end of the episode, we see Felix wearing the Cat Miraculous on his hand, and none of the animators noticed it.

So while Adrien is happy to see his cousin, Felix isn't. I'll talk more about it in a minute.

Amelie mentions that the wedding rings are actually heirlooms in her side of the family, so she naturally wants them back. Of course, Gabriel, being Gabriel, responds accordingly.

Gabriel: These rings are obviously very special to me.

Amelie: And they're very dear to me too, Gabriel. Those jewels have always been in the Graham de Vanily family, not the Agreste's.

Gabriel: We'll discuss it later.

“Yeah, yeah, these rings are priceless family heirlooms or whatever, but why can't you think about how important they are to me?”

Meanwhile, Marinette and her friends are planning on recording some messages for Adrien to cheer him up on this day, but Marinette isn't sure what to say before she decides to confess her love to him. I'm sure Adrien will get the message and return Marinette's feelings this episode... and Cliff Hanger will finally escape that cliff he's been hanging from for years.

Speaking of, Adrien and Felix are hanging out in the former's room where we learn that Felix's father passed away recently. We don't know how long, but with the way they talk about, it's clear the funeral wasn't too long ago. Keep this in mind.

So while Adrien leaves the room to get a chess board for the two to play a game of, Felix, for no reason, decides to search through Adrien's things and crush a piece of cheese that Plagg had been aging for two weeks. And here is the interaction that helps this episode go from mediocre to aggravating, just because of what they imply here.

Adrien: Listen, Plagg. Felix lost his dad not so long ago, he's probably not himself.

Plagg: I'm sorry, but there's just no excuse! You never touch my cheese, and yet, you just lost your mother not so long ago, right?

Yes. The show is actually implying that Adrien is better than Felix because Adrien isn't acting out because his mom “went away forever”. Keep in mind, we know that Felix just lost his father, while Adrien has had a year to cope. I'm not saying he can't be sad anymore, as everyone processes grief differently, but you can't set up Felix as a foil to Adrien just because they both lost a parent, as their situations are entirely different.

Oh, and when Plagg's statement upsets Adrien, it isn't because he's angry at Plagg for making the comparison, it's because he mentions Emilie. And this argument is never brought up again.

I still can't believe this episode is basically saying that even if you lose a loved one, that's no excuse to get emotional. This isn't just a horrible lesson to teach children, but it pisses me off on a more personal level. Why?

My grandfather died last year after a long battle with lung cancer.

He had been in and out of the hospital for a few years at this point, and part of me was relieved that he was finally free of the pain. I tried not to let it bother me, as I had already mentally prepared myself for the day he would die whenever he was readmitted to the hospital. But it was still painful to go through because he was so important to me. Instead of simply telling someone how I was feeling, I threw myself into my schoolwork in an effort to distract myself from actually confronting my emotions. After seeing A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, a movie where the main character made peace with his father on his deathbed with some encouragement from Mr. Rogers, it made me think about how unhealthy it was to bottle up my emotions, so I started to open up more about how I was feeling. When I told my mom (who was his daughter) about why I was so conflicted regarding his death, she said it was completely understandable, as she had been an emotional wreck as well. I also talked with my therapist about how this was affecting me mentally.

What does this have to do with the episode? I don't think Felix had access to this kind of emotional support when his dad died, or that he tried coping the same way I did initially.

And the worst part is that this could have been used to teach people a lesson on how to cope with losing a loved one. Maybe Adrien could have helped Felix find a healthier coping mechanism, or simply help him open up emotionally, teaching him that it's okay to be upset when someone close to you dies, but that you just need to be honest about your feelings.

But no, rather than portray Felix's actions as a troubled youth lashing out because he's angry at the cards the world dealt him, Felix does several awful things this episode for no other reason than because he's evil, even though he has a good reason to hate Adrien and Gabriel.

So the very next scene, we see Felix has stolen Adrien's phone and is going through the messages that Adrien's friends sent him, but not before insulting his crush on Ladybug. I'm not sure if that's supposed to reflect the fandom's criticism of Adrien's crush on Ladybug, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was.

Nino's Message: Hey, my dude! I'm not quite sure what to tell you, except that, you're my man, dude! And bros are always there for their guys!

Felix: (Mockingly) “Bros are always there--” blah, blah, blah! Moron.

Rose's Message: Unicorns have a saying: even when there's nothing but gray skies and rain, all it takes is one little sunbeam for a rainbow to appear!

Felix: Loser.

Max's Message: It's one hundred percent proven, you should feel fifty-two percent happier with a healthy dose of laughter. So Markov has uploaded a few jokes for you! Starting with--

Felix: Freak.

Chloe's Message: When my mother left for New York, I felt so sad. It felt like she was... (sighs) She came back, and I know how lucky I am. So, you can count on me, my Adrikins.

Felix: Chloe. Just as annoying as usual.

And that line right there is the only time Astruc actually liked writing Felix, as it gave him the chance to satisfy his need to insult Chloe.

And then when he sees Marinette's message, he deletes it because... hell if I know

Again, this scene could have worked if it was interpreted as Felix saying stuff that he wasn't dependent on others for support and that he could easily power through life on his own, but nope! Instead, he hates Adrien's friends and only deletes Marinette's message instead of all of them simply because he's evil, heart blacker than Don Cheadle.

Felix continues to show how awful he is by dressing up in Adrien's clothes and—Oh, son of a bitch, SERIOUSLY? This is the SEVENTH evil doppelganger plotline we've had in THREE SEASONS! You're telling me this isn't doing the same thing over and over again, Astruc?

Yeah, so Felix records some messages to send to his friends that, once again, could have worked if this episode was actually teaching a lesson about dealing with grief.

“Adrien's” Message:  First of all, thanks so much for all your messages, guys, really. Sending me messages on today of all days... (angrily) to remind me how sad I'm supposed to be feeling? Why, that's great! Really, Thanks a lot!

But because nobody ever considers how Felix is feeling, it's never acknowledged, because that would actually involve writing him with complexity.

Gabriel gets a message from Lila, who recently became one of his confidants to spy on Adrien, tells him about the fake message, and decides to use the negative emotions felt as an excuse to get rid of his in-laws. No, seriously.

Gabriel: All this disappointment might just help us get rid of our unwanted guests.

To be fair, I'd probably do the same thing just so I wouldn't have to talk to some of the people I hate at my job.

And so, Hawkmoth akumatizes Alya, Juleka, and Rose into the Punisher's Trio, who are basically just their previously akumatized forms Lady Wifi, Reflekta, and Princess Fragrance. Because why would you expect anyone to use an original character model for this episode?

All joking aside, this development raises several questions. First, why wasn't Nino one of the Punisher's akumatized? He's Adrien's best friend, so shouldn't be just as upset as everyone else? Hell, the whole reason he was akumatized into the Bubbler in Season 1 was just so he could throw Adrien a birthday party after Gabriel said no. Then there's the fact that Chloe could have also been akumatized because she's just as close as Adrien, which is another wasted opportunity here.

Second, why bring back Reflekta and Princess Fragrance of all villains? It doesn't even make sense when you consider their motifs are based off of the circumstances that led to them getting akumatized in their respective episodes. Juleka became Reflekta because of her anxiety over easily blending in, so she got the power to turn everyone into an exact copy of herself so they could understand the feeling. Rose became Princess Fragrance when Chloe destroyed her letter and perfume bottle dedicated to the prince of a foreign nation, so the perfume bottle was the basis of her powers. At least Lady Wifi makes sense as the akumatized object this episode is a tablet used to record the messages to Adrien, but Reflekta and Princess Fragrance have nothing to do with the plot of this episode, and just feel tacked on. If it was just Lady Wifi or the Bubbler, I'd get it, but this just doesn't work.

Third, what exactly is this show's obsession with Reflekta? We saw in Reflekta's first episode that her powers had a huge drawback as if either of the heroes is zapped by her, she can't get their Miraculous, like what we saw happened to Cat Noir. Yet, this is the second time this season that Hawkmoth had the bright idea to bring back Reflekta (even giving her a giant robot to amplify her powers). At least Lady Wifi and Princess Fragrance's powers worked together well (Lady Wifi could freeze someone in place, while Princess Fragrance can brainwash them with her perfume), but Reflekta just feels like the odd one out here.

Fourth, and most importantly, why did we only get to hear the line “At your service, Princess Fragrance!” A single time this episode?

So the Punishers head to Adrien's house to take their revenge, but see Felix, still dressed in Adrien's clothes, and are naturally confused. Adrien pretends to be Felix by running away while laughing evilly (so not too far off from how Astruc sees Felix), while the real Felix and Nathalie put up a good fight against the Punishers.

And then... here is the moment that shows just how skewed Astruc's view of Adrien really is.

Felix pretends to confess his love to Ladybug as Adrien, trying to force a kiss on him, making Ladybug punch him in the face by claiming that the real Adrien “would never be so pushy”.

BULL. SHIT.

Yes, Ladybug doesn't know that Adrien is actually Cat Noir, but it's clear that this scene is meant to solidify just how Felix is far worse than Adrien because according to Astruc, he would never do that.

But maybe I'm being too hard on him.

It's not like Adrien has ever forced himself onto Ladybug, right?

I mean, imagine if the show just ignored something like that.

All while trying to teach kids the importance of saying no when someone harasses them.

Can you imagine if someone was that oblivious to their own hypocrisy?

I'm not saying that the lesson is a bad one, but you can't call someone out for doing something bad, and then ignore one of your main characters doing the exact same thing!

Even in the context of the episode, the comparison doesn't work. We know that Felix is only doing this to make Adrien look bad, and has no romantic feelings towards Ladybug like Adrien does. Felix knows what he is doing is wrong, while Adrien doesn't. Whenever Cat Noir tries to kiss Ladybug, he is never aware that what he is doing is wrong, and while he is almost always stopped from kissing Ladybug for one reason or another.

Like when the episode tried to compare two different characters reacting to losing loved ones when there are different circumstances regarding them, the comparison DOESN'T WORK.

And to add insult to injury, Cat Noir shows up just to insult Felix by implying he doesn't have a lot of friends because of the way he acts, because why would he? After all, he's a complete loser that nobody would want to be friends with, and if you like him, you're an idiot for thinking so! At least, that's probably what Astruc was going for.

Ladybug summons her Lucky Charm, leading to a brief Mexican standoff, until Felix steals the tablet containing the Akuma, making a deal with Hawkmoth that he'll help out the Punishers as long as he gets the wedding rings. Do you hate Felix yet? Come on, do you hate him? WHY WON'T YOU HATE HIM, GODDAMN IT!?

This whole bit is completely pointless as Ladybug immediately finds a way to stop all four of them and de-evilize the Akuma.

And when it looks like Felix is actually apologizing for his actions this episode, it's naturally a ruse he put on to steal one of the wedding rings from Gabriel to give to his mom. Because why would Astruc even think of portraying him sympathetically, or at least have him learn a lesson?

So Felix stares out the window with an evil look in his eye (possibly foreshadowing another appearance), as Gabriel takes Emilie's wedding ring to wear for himself, and the episode mercifully ends.

It also means that I never have to watch this episode ever again.

Do you understand why it took so long for me to fully analyze this episode? Hell, it would have taken longer if Astruc didn't delete his tweets defending the kiss scene and how Cat Noir is totally a gentlemen unlike Satan, I mean Felix.

What else do I have to say about this episode that hasn’t already been said? Well, I do have one thing.

I’m not that big a fan of Felix.

I think he’s an okay character in fanfics, but I’m more indifferent to him and fanfics that ship him and Marinette together. I don’t know, maybe that’s because there are so many Felinette fanfics that are heavily seasoned with salt, or it could just be because I’m complete Love Square and Lukanette trash.

But just think about the fact that the scathing criticism of this episode was delivered by someone who isn’t that into Felix. That is how bad this episode is.

In addition to being an obvious mouthpiece for Astruc to yell at fans why they’re idiots for actually liking Felix, it does so by touching on delicate subject and trying to act like it’s easy to tell how Felix is worse than Adrien when the circumstances are nothing alike.

But the fact that Astruc takes a popular character just to portray him as a complete menace just to antagonize his fans is ridiculous, utterly ridiculous.

[nicka-nell]

How you celebrate your New Year

Pairing: Ushijima x reader Tendou x reader Warning: a bit of toxic relationship with parents?

The cool air of the air conditioner tickles your skin, while the seat heater warms your back and makes you relax. The radio can only be heard quietly, as a newscaster talks about the New Year, which is soon to come.

“My father’s in town for work, so he’ll probably be here for dinner this year.” Although his words are addressed to you, he does not turn his gaze from the road, does not take his hands off the wheel for a second.

Somewhat surprised you look at his, as always quite monotonous look, ask yourself why he has not told you something about it before and not only now, when you are already on the way to his mother.

He hadn’t seen his father in a long time. Now that you’re thinking about it, you’ve never seen his mother and his father together until now. Do they make up? How does Ushijima feel about seeing his parents reunited?

“Are you happy to see your father again, Toshi?” Attentively you check his gaze, try to elicit a reaction from him, but he still looks the same as before. 

“He’s my father. It’s too much to say I’m happy to see him again, but it’s not bad.” Ushijima is accustomed to not seeing his father often, but since he no longer lives with his parents, but with you, he also rarely sees his mother. Because through his career, he travels a lot, doesn’t have the time. Most of the time you are alone with his mother when there are celebrations or she needs help.

Completely immersed in your thoughts, you do not notice that the car is already slowing down; you drive into a small avenue full of snow-covered trees.

Like small diamonds, the snow glistens on the branches, while the road under the white snow is barely visible. His mother’s house can already be seen when Ushijima parks the car and comes to your side to open the door and grab your hand.

He’s wearing his black suit, a purple tie that matches your dress. “Let’s go, my love.” His voice is so deep, quiet in your ears, while his large hand lies on your small back.

The snow crunches under your shoes as you arrive at his mother’s doorstep and the ringing of the bell is heard. A few seconds later, you hear footsteps, and a woman opens the door with a strict bun.

“Wakatoshi, Y/n, good to see you. Come in, my child.” She greets you both with a narrow smile before the door opens wide and invites you in. 

You take off your shoes, hang up your jackets before Ushijima’s father welcomes you and is happy to see his son, and especially his son’s girlfriend again.

You have little time to talk, because you are asked by Ushijima’s mother directly to the table, should start eating before it gets cold. “Y/n my child, please sit on the other side. Otherwise, Wakatoshi always pushes his hand against your arm. You know, he always eats with his left hand. Just like his father taught him...” 

Her voice is almost reproachful as her gaze wanders to the side of her former husband, who has just sat down at the table. He breathes deeply before he crosses his hands and looks at her as calm as possible.

“I didn’t raise him like that, I kept his talent.”, “His talent… So he can start a volleyball career like you? Just look at him. He may be famous, but he’s never there for his girlfriend. He’s never with his mother. He never has time! He won’t stay young forever. What does he do when he’s old? What money should he live on? This volleyball career is not right for him! How can he be there for his family? They still don’t have kids, just look how long they’ve been together!” Her voice gets louder with every word.  

Her anger is palpable, as if she regretted not having prevailed at that time. That Ushijima was not raised up to be a right-handed man, as it should be. He should have learned a sensible profession, should already be married and should already have children, instead he travels the world while leaving you alone at home. She shouldn’t have let her ex-husband get away with this.

“Now stop… He can still be a coach. Besides, it’s not an issue for the New Year’s dinner.” Unlike her voice, his is calm and collected. The situation is getting more and more unpleasant for you, actually you want to say something, but you don’t dare.

Something lost, you look over to Ushijima looking from his parents in your direction. His gaze is still emotionless, but his hand moves under the table to yours, squeezing it tightly before stroking your back with his thumb.

Every time he sees you, he feels his heart beat differently, and how his mind changes. When you laugh, give him a breathtaking smile, he can barely control himself and unconsciously returns your smile.

You’re everything to him, not seeing you happy, makes him unhappy. He knows he’s not the best boyfriend, that you’d probably be happier with another man by your side. A man who comes home every day, supports you in the household and in raising children.

But he’s too stubborn to admit that he doesn’t want to be without you, he can’t be without you. Because you’re the woman who’s different from everyone else. The woman who understands him. The woman he wants to carry in his hands, who is to carry his children.

“I’m sorry, where are my manners… That was inappropriate of me, let’s eat.” During the meal, only the chopsticks can be heard that meet the bento boxes in front of you and begin to clap. It’s so quiet that you could drop a needle. Quiet with tension.

After the meal, you thank his mother for preparing such a delicious meal before she clears the table and the plates. “As a coach, he’s just not home.” She calls to her former husband as she comes out of the kitchen back into the dining room and looks at him, frowning. “Do you want to start this topic again? I think it’s better if I go and you guys just party alone. I knew it wasn’t a good idea to come here.” 

But before Ushijima’s father can manage to get up, it is Ushijima who moves his chair backwards and gets up from the table. You feel your chair being pushed backwards, Ushijima’s hands resting on your shoulders, warming your skin beneath them.

“Mother, the food was really delicious. However, I am not feeling well today. I think it’s better if Y/n and I go home now. I’m very sorry we can’t spend the evening with you. Mother, Father, goodbye.” 

Quietly he looks into your three astonished faces, sees his father just lowering his head, sighing, as if he wanted to apologize. Ushijima helps you up before his parents can react to his sudden announcement.

Quickly you say goodbye to the two before Ushijima’s hands pull you into the hallway, hold out your jacket so you can slip in before he puts on his and you put on your shoes to leave the house with a last “Goodbye.”

Until the car you are silent, do not talk even after Ushijima has already started driving. You know he’s not feeling sick, but that he was avoiding this conversation, this unnecessary argument. 

However, it is better to leave him alone for now. To give him time until he opens up from within you. You look thoughtfully out of the window when you notice Ushijima making a wrong turn at a crossroads. “Toshi we have to go to the other-” 

“I know.” Almost chilly, his voice cuts off your words before stopping at a place you know. Again he opens the door for you, helps you out of the car before you look at him questioning.

“What are we doing here, Toshi?” You want to know, but instead of answering you, he puts his hand on your lower back and sets you in motion, looking forward.

“We haven’t been to a temple or a shrine. Haven’t wished us something for the New Year, haven’t prayed yet.” For a while you still wander through the snow, your cheeks tingle slowly, your nose is cold and you see how your breath becomes visible.

Arriving in front of a small shrine, you already see many people standing in front of it who want to pray to ask for happiness and health. You too stand at the shrine before Ushijima takes a deep breath and closes his eyes.

You follow him, pray for his health that he will not get any injuries, that he will continue to enjoy volleyball and that he will continue to be so successful. That he keeps coming back healthy, has no worries, and that you can keep making him happy.

You open your eyes, look over to Ushijima, who is also about to open his, and notices in the corner of your eye you are looking at him. “What did you wish for, Toshi?” You ask with a bright smile, but don’t get an answer. 

With a sigh, he puts himself behind you, takes you firmly in his arm while he lovingly kisses your hairline. He doesn’t care if people are staring at you. He doesn’t care if they talk about you. He just wants to feel your closeness. Smell your scent, hear your laugh and enjoy the time he has with you.

He still won’t let go of you, putting his chin down on your head while his broad upper body rests against your back. “I have wished for us to be a real family, you, me, our future children… The noble family Ushijima. One who is together and not as divided and separated as my parents. I want you to stay by my side. I want you to be happy, shine next to me, and we to look to our future together.” 

Even when it’s cold outside, you’ll notice how his words warm your entire body. Your vision suddenly blurry and a fiery liquid runs down your cheeks. These words that are so unbelievably pure, serious but also loving.

You almost don’t notice the ringing of the bells in the background, which makes the New Year come true for everyone, so that the people get to wish themselves all the best for the New Year.

“Happy New Year to you, my love.” Ushijima whispers in your ear, your body still pressed against his before you turn around and look up at him. 

With the warmest smile you can give him, you face him, see how he looks down at you with a thin smile before you wrap his cheeks with your hands and give him a kiss full of love. “Happy New Year, my bear.” 

You’re nervous about getting out of Tendou’s car. Take a deep breath of the cold air before you exhale and try to calm down. This is the first time you met with his parents. And then on such an important day.

They probably don’t want you around because New Year’s Eve is a family celebration. You’ve been together with Tendou a long time, but his parents don’t know you.

“Hey, paradise, why are you looking like that? Are you nervous~?” He hums and tilts his head aside to look at you with a wide grin and narrow eyes. He seems as calm as ever, loose as if he has no worries.

“You really don’t have to be nervous. My parents are anything but a prime example of an intact family. So relax.” He giggles before he knocks on his parents’ door, his slim fingers wrapped around yours.

Almost as if someone had been waiting at the door for your knocking, the door opens at an incredible speed. A tall man comes out, thinly built, who looks first to Tendou and then down to you.

His look is not unfriendly, rather surprised and almost overwhelmed. “So you were serious when you said you were bringing your girlfriend?” Says the man in front of you, who must have been Tendou’s father by appearance.

And before Tendou can answer him, he bends forward, looks at you and frowns in confusion. “You really are a beautiful woman. How much did he pay you to play his girlfriend?” 

Speechless from his rude words, your gaze sweeps over to Tendou, who just clicks annoyed with his tongue. “As friendly as ever, eh, Father?” Tendou just laughs, and pulls you past his father to go into the house.

The house is chilly, almost as cold as outside, when you take off your jacket and grab your arms with stiff fingers. But the cold air does not bounce on your skin for a long time, because it is wrapped in just a few seconds by the soft cotton fabric of Tendou’s sweater.

With big eyes you look into his red ones, see his warm smile, and his naked arms now that he’s only standing in his T-shirt in front of you. “I don’t want you to freeze.” 

“But aren’t you cold, Satori?” You worry, but he just shakes his head and pushes you into the dining room, where some food has already been placed on the table.

The closer you get to the dining room, the more the fresh breeze disappears until the scent of food completely envelops you. Tendou’s mother is just about to put the plates on the table as she turns around to greet Tendou and looks at you both with a warm smile.

Unlike his father, she hides her surprise well at first, but can’t help but wonder if you’re really his girlfriend. More and more you understand why Tendou didn’t want you to meet his family for so long.

If you saw the two of them in a photo, you would think that they are wonderful people who would make great parents, but apparently they are not. 

Even if Tendou has no grudge against his family, it begins with every question, at every glance, to grow with you. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude. It’s just so unusual to see Satori with someone other than Ushijima. Especially if it’s a beautiful woman like you. What’s your name again, my child?” 

His mother apologizes to you with a warm smile and for a moment doubts arise in you whether you really were wrong and her previous words were just chosen unhappily.

Silently you mumble your name, returning her smile when it becomes even wider for your shy answer. 

She asks you both to come to the table, also calls her husband, who watched Tendou and you from the door frame with his arms crossed. But you were wrong to think that his family had expressed themselves unhappily, because at dinner they question you like in an interrogation.

“Now, be honest, if you’re really together with him, tell us why? Why our son? He’s not popular. I think he just has this one friend in his children’s sports club, and let’s be honest, Satori is a bit peculiar.” Laughs his father a little incredulous, before his gaze wanders to his son, who has not said a word yet, eating his food with a buzzing.

It hurts you to see him like this, to know that these words only hurt him, to know that he’s just pretending that they do not touch him, but you of all people know how fragile he can be sometimes.

“Yes, I would also like to know why such a lovely, intelligent and probably popular girl like you chose someone like Satori. You could have something so much better, you’re playing in a whole different league.” Now his mother also interferes, who looks at you with big eyes.

You would like to yell at them now, but instinctively you seek the gaze of Tendou, trying to calm down. But when you look at him, you see his constantly wide smirk as he gets up from the chair and stretches his arms once with a loud growl.

“I’m getting some fresh air. It’s really too warm here. Be right back.” He mumbles to himself and disappears from the room. Just now he lets you and his parents look back on the now closed dining-room door, before they look at you again.

Did he go out because he can’t hear any more of this? Because those words hurt him? His family is the one who’s weird, who’s mean and not him.

And just as his mother wants to open her mouth again, you hit your hands on the table and stand up. “Stop! Both of you! Do you hear yourselves? Don’t you love your son? Aren’t you proud of him? Satori is a wonderful man, he is so caring, attentive, lovable and funny. He gives me so much love and security, I can’t give him that much back. And his volleyball club is not a children’s club! Have you never seen one of his games? How strong his team is! How incredible Satori is?” 

You yell at them, and you don’t care what they think of you now, whether they want to throw you out and never see you again. But you won’t let these people deal with Tendou like that.

“Satori has more friends than just Wakatoshi. Nevertheless, Wakatoshi is his best friend, the person with whom he gets along best. You should be ashamed that you know so little about your own son! That you talk so bad about him, even though he’s so wonderful! You’re the weird ones, not Satori! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get some air!” 

You almost yell when you leave his parents completely amazed but also with an abashed expression and grab your jacket, put on your shoes and go to Tendou.

Through the open window, he could hear every word of you, yet self-doubt arises in him as he leans from the outside against the facade and looks into the cloud-free sky, which slowly gets dark. Of course, his parents are right about you being wonderful, and he knows that best himself.

But is it really so wrong to have you with him? Does he really keep you from finding someone better? Someone like Ushijima? Now that he’s thinking about it, he’s really not good for you. You’d always be confronted with why you’re with a weird guy like him.

“Hey, my lollipop, are you okay?” Your tender, calm voice makes him look away from above, in your direction, as you approach him and reach for his hands.

They are freezing cold, taking away the heat from your hands in just a few seconds. “Satori, your hands are so cold…” Your fragile, sad voice resounds as you press your both hands against your cheek. He was probably already cold in his parents’ house, after all, he had given you his sweater, and even now he only wears an autumn coat.

“Huh... really? I didn’t notice…” He replies, and even when he smiles at you, his voice is sad. Makes you feel bittersweet. “Satori, your parents are wrong about everything. You’re wonderful, and I can’t put it into words how much I love you. Only you! And I will always only love you…” 

You try to reach out to his inner self with your words. To touch his heart and at least warm his body from the inside if you can’t do it from the outside. You must think of Tendou’s words back when you first met. He told you he could read you like an open book.

And now he’s the one you can read, analyze, and understand. Even though you said little, it was enough to put a smile on his face to turn you around and take you in his arms.

Playfully he cuddles himself in the crook of your neck, tickles your cheek with his red hair before he closes his eyes and enjoys your closeness. However, he opens his mouth after just a few breaths and revels in old memories with you.

How you tried to explain Ushijima how to use emojis correctly. How he had saved Ushijima from giving you probably the worst birthday present, as he wanted to give you a huge pillow with the inscription “Y/n loves Satori very much”.

Instead, you got a sweet cactus from him, which had a red flower on top and somehow reminds you of Tendou, which is why you also named it Tendou.

Or also the fact that every Wednesday you watch your favorite baking program together, make fun of some dishes and others want to bake a day later directly.

And also how excited he was when you had your first actual date and he had to go to the doctor a day later because he sat down on an anthill.

With every flashback your smile gets bigger and bigger, also makes Tendou laugh sincerely, while he still braces you in his arms. Still with tears of joy in your eyes, you ask him if you want to go back in, but he just shakes his head.

“I have another idea. Come on, we can also wish my parents a happy new year on the phone.” He whispers to you as his breath forms a light mist through the cold.

Somehow you can understand that he doesn’t want to go back in, yet you ask him if you should at least say goodbye. But again he shakes his head.

Both of you sit down in his car, when you automatically turn on Tendous seat heating, so that hopefully he gets warmer again soon. “Some music~?” He hums with his usual cheerful voice as he pulls out a few CDs from his driver’s side.

Grinning, you nod, tap on a CD that Tendou, with a click of the plastic sleeve, pushes into the CD drive. Slowly it glides in as the first track begins and the loud rock music rings through your ears. 

Anything but Christmas music. But if you’re being honest, neither of you are the traditional person or couple celebrating Christmas. 

Together you sing the songs that you already know by heart up and down. Remember the concerts you were at and make the whole car shake until Tendou slows down and stops at a cliff.

His thin, long hands reach for the turning wheel to make the music quieter as he smiles at you before he looks forward. “Do you remember?” He asks quietly and contentedly with a dreamy face.

After all, your gaze drifts from Tendou’s face, to the front, to the cliff from which the entire city can be seen.

The sky is now dark as the night, while the bright lights of the houses illuminate it again. How could you ever forget this place? The place where Tendou asked you to be his girlfriend? The place the two of you kissed the first time that had gotten you so many butterflies in your stomach. Never could you forget this place or his words. 

“I can read you like an open book, and yet I’m afraid of your reaction, but do you want to be my girlfriend?” You repeat his words and look at him with a smile.

His eyes grow big, his joy huge as he nods hastily. “Exactly my words, you really are the best Y/n~!” He sings again before he bends over to you and cuddles you like a little cuddly animal.

You laugh out loud before he loosens his grip on you and looks at you in silence. You almost don’t hear the bells that open the New Year, yet they softly find their way into your ears.

“Happy New Year, my lollipop.” You whisper before you kiss him gently. And as your lips separate, Tendou turns his head to the side, back to the back seat, before his gaze lands on yours again, his fingers at your chin making you look into his eyes. 

His red eyes, full of excitement. “What do you say we start the New Year by ringing a few other bells, my paradise?” He breathes hungrily, before you both chuckle in a conspiracy, when you strip his seat belt off. 

“So… Let’s ring those other bells.”

[blackxkatt]

I need this out and I don’t know where else to put it because if I put it anywhere where people might see, I’m giving more ammunition to the idea that I’m just some monster or something, and I'm tired of having to hedge every bit of opening up about this with, "I know I fucked up, too". It's time for me to be able to tell my story without diminishing my own experiences.

I used to vent to the void on tumblr a lot so I figure this is a good place to do so. Writing out stuff like this is a good therapy technique, and I don’t hurt anyone this way. Okay here goes

My relationship with Becky was awful. In hindsight, I should have ended it so much sooner than I did, but I kept trying to force it because I wanted it to work. We were awful for each other. We made each other worse people. It needed to end.

I did everything I could thing of to make the break up smooth for her. I avoided Easter so that I wasn’t marring a holiday. I asked Tanner to cancel D&D for the day (little did I know, I was canceling that game forever) so that she’d have a week until we had to exist in the same space again, even virtually. I drove to her house, so she wouldn't have to deal with a drive before or after. I knew she had therapy the next day, so that she’d have time to process and professional help soon. I didn’t bring up anything either of us did and didn’t bring up any blame. I said we were just incompatible, because we were. I told her I understood if she didn’t want to be friends -- she said she did. I said if that changes, just let me know. I held her while she cried, walked her dog with her, and went home.

Over the next week, she began to escalate attacks towards me with no warning. On the morning of our D&D game, 2 hours before we had to coexist in front of our friends, she sent me a list of grievances during our relationship and demanded an apology for them, to help her healing. I wanted to be done with this, I had thought that the break up meant we could finally be done with it. I apologized regardless, because I knew I wasn’t perfect and had admitted when I’d fucked up before in the relationship, but not for all of it because some of it plainly wasn’t true. I asked if I could respond and ask for an apology for my own healing. She said no, she didn’t care, and that she wouldn’t let me make it all about myself.

She demanded Tanner message her practically every second of every day, elsewise she’d melt down that he was spending time with me instead of her, when we live together. She literally got pissed off that I visited his Animal Crossing island before her. Tanner couldn’t even mention me neutrally without her going on a tirade about how awful I am and how he shouldn’t defend me, let alone mention that I was hurt, too.

Eventually, she blocked me. I had spent the entire time keeping the door open and trying to maintain a friendship, both because I didn’t want to lose that, and for Tanner’s sake, and meanwhile she was nuking the bridge. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I couldn’t see myself being metamours with someone who so clearly and actively hated me.

Tanner, on advice from a counselor, sat us both down to talk about our abusive tendencies and how this was affecting him. The first thing she did was give me the most disgusted look when she walked in. She nodded vigorously during the entire bit where Tanner raised his issues with my behavior.

Almost all of what Tanner talked to me about were things we’d worked on in the past, that I’d been fine on, that I’d backslid on since dating Becky. Others we’d discussed before and he’d been fine with, but had changed since. The rest, he later apologized for, because he realized he was being abusive in those expectations and hadn’t been concerned with fairness at the time. Almost all of what he brought up wasn't new, because Tanner and I have checked in with each other and worked on our relationship for almost 7 years.

Meanwhile, Becky continued to be abusive to him, in the same ways she had been to me, amped up to 1000. And I had to sit and let it happen. I left my own house for hours at a time for them to have dates. I canceled or moved my own plans for her. I had a festering wound I was hoping would heal, because Becky continued to insist to me that we’d forgive each other some day, but I was the only one working towards it, while she cursed me at every opportunity.

This all culminated in her calling Tanner one day, during our date, to demand that he choose between us. To try to convince him to be monogamous with her. To tell him how awful I am and that she can’t believe he would choose me. To guilt him for daring to do so, even though she’d forced the choice.

I beat myself up, like I was the reason for the break up. But I wasn’t. Even if I wasn’t in the picture, she was abusive and had continued to be without pause. It was her own jealousy and refusal to heal that ended their relationship. I know that now. But it took awhile for my anger to set in. It did once I found out she messaged him more times after that to try to convince him, once again, to leave me, and once again getting upset with him when he wouldn’t.

I waited for a while before asking Tanner if he was alright with me cutting Becky out, since after those instances, I didn’t see our relationship being positive again, at least not for quite awhile, and I’d spent months swallowing my pain for the sake of their relationship and couldn’t do it anymore. That was when I found out, from him, that Becky had already cut me out with no intention to recover. She had remained in all of our group chats, so that was news to me. It was power I was not willing to let her hold over me any longer, pretending she was the bigger person for being silent in the chats but not leaving them. I won’t be made into a monster for defining and defending my boundaries for the first time since the break up. It was unfair of her to remain in every single chat when she’d made it clear she was cutting us, or at least me, out, forcing me to face that trigger every day, giving me almost to reprieve or space to vent about my own pain. I asked friends to remove her from those shared chats, and they did, and I refuse to be made into a villain for being the one to cut the last of the bridge she’d torched. The last one is the d&d game that wasn’t destroyed with our relationship, and it’s the last thorn in my wound keeping me from healing, but Tanner and I are both scared that group will fall apart, too, if she’s removed, due to reactions in another chat she was removed from. So, I have to continue to swallow that, for who knows how long.

Now that that story is out, I’m going to list what I can about my and Becky’s relationship -- her abuse, her gaslighting, making sense of it all and getting out what she never let me.

-A lot of our problems stemmed from the fact that I didn’t react how she wanted. She would be abusive or demanding, and instead of reacting like Tanner, who would submit for the sake of keeping the peace, I would push back, either calmly or not so calmly due to it triggering me. Both elicited negative responses. We triggered each other this way often.

-She was racist to me. She weaponized the exact racism I told her I had experienced from almost every white person I’d ever known, even my loved ones. She promised she never would and then did exactly it, armed with the knowledge of how to shut me down. She told me I *was* aggressive, actually, that she’d surveyed my friends and they all agreed that I was aggressive, and by insisting that I wasn’t, by defending myself, I was gaslighting her. Oh, and she only used the word aggressive because that was the word I’d used, not that she actually thought I was aggressive. Why did I think she thought I was aggressive? That was my own fault. I constantly made myself smaller for her, like I had for so many racist people in my life. I could no longer be all of me anymore.

-She insisted I was incapable of calm discussion (see the racism above), that I deserved her anger and brought it upon myself because it was the only way I listened. Never once in our relationship did she ever say, “can we talk about this?” or anything along those lines, which I would have responded to (and have in other relationships). It was always blowing up out of nowhere because I said the slight wrong thing or didn’t say the right thing or because she’d misunderstood me.

-On misunderstanding, she admitted that she constantly misread me and misunderstood my words due to her  past trauma and expectation of negativity. Once upon a time, she told me that if she took what I said in the most positive light, she understood me finally. Yet, later in our relationship, she started insisting that every misunderstanding was my fault, that all poor communication was on me, that I was an anomaly, that I somehow experienced less emotions than other people. When I would refuse any of these accusations or point out what I had actually said, she told me I lacked critical thinking or was gaslighting her.

-Tanner said something that made so many of our problems click: Becky didn’t want a relationship, she wanted codependence. Something she admitted she struggled with, something her family struggles with, and yet I never put it together. She wanted all of our attention, all of the time. Every triad date we had was centered on her. My healthy independence was a threat to her. She insisted I was lying if I didn’t have some deep issue to discuss with her every day. She insisted I was lying when I promised her I wasn’t hiding my life from her, that I just sincerely didn’t have any crisis or something to discuss. My refusal to enable any of her bad habits or abusive behaviors upset her. When we broke up, and she could no longer guarantee all emotional energy was given to her, she spiraled.

-Of many things we’d previously discussed and she said she understood, group chats take less energy for me to participate in, and I was always happy to interact with her in group chats if I couldn’t handle a 1 on 1 chat. Eventually, I was scared to interact in group chats, post online, show any presence that I wasn’t busy or asleep, because she would become upset with me for not messaging her individually.

-The biggest red flag I ignored, one that terrified me so much I told no one about it until I was considering the break up, was when she asked me to choose between herself and my best friend. When I told her I couldn’t do that and was uncomfortable that she’d even asked, she got upset, and I ended up comforting her instead of addressing it any further. And without even realizing it, I began to feel anxious and guilty whenever I interacted with Dan. I would fear even mentioning them to her, because it inevitably resulted in her jealousy. I began to interact with them less (notice a pattern? Interacting with my best friend less, interacting with my group chats less, interacting online in general less...)

-Every concern I brought up ended the same way: she’d say I was gaslighting her, or she’d get upset and I would have to comfort her.

-She was never polyamorous; this is obvious in hindsight. She was a monogamous person who happened to form a crush on two polyamorous people. She would consistently try to persuade me away from polyamory and into maintaining a closed triad, and would get upset with me when I expressed that wasn’t what I wanted. She’d often remind me that she’d be extremely jealous of anyone I ever dated and that they couldn’t be as important as her.

-She said she understood it would take Tanner and I time to feel as close to her as we do with each other. Yet, she was constantly jealous of us and became more and more angry as time went on. She seemed to expect a timescale of months to level out a 7 year relationship with a 7 month one, when it would have taken years.

-Along with codependence, she was looking for a therapist in her SOs. She would have a new breakdown to discuss daily, and a myriad of untreated phobias and illnesses. She’d consistently complain about her therapist; when I made suggestions to tell her therapists her concerns or get a new one, she’d brush it off or insist it wasn’t that bad. If Tanner or I didn’t enable her phobias, she’d get upset with us. We could neither make plans for just us two(though she hates being left out) nor bring her (she hates crowds and spontaneous plans). She’d say she’d come, we’d just have to deal with her crying the whole time. I’d express that we want her to have fun, not suffer, and she’d say she’d suffer either way. We were guilted out of most plans.

-Most of the end of our relationship, that finally made me realize we needed to break up, was a slow change that I’m not sure how it happened. At some point, Becky stopped seeing me; she only saw what fit her preconceived notions of me. She made assumptions about me, my thoughts, my character, who I was. She made up situations in her head and got angry at me for them out of nowhere, with no communication, and the one time she did listen that she'd made up the situation (because Tanner told her), she spiraled into self-hatred, not an apology. She twisted everything I said into some kind of attack against her and insisted every clarification, explanation, or evidence was an excuse. When I would point any of this out, that some of what she said was just plain untrue, she’d once again insist I was gaslighting her. I was trapped. She refused to see the changes I made for her, and was coming up with her own reality of our relationship. Nothing I did mattered anymore; even Tanner told me he saw it. He told me that I had done a lot of work but he didn’t see the same improvement on her end, and that she needed to meet me in the middle if we were going to work. But she only saw the monster she’d made me. I couldn’t continue to date someone who was so committed to misunderstanding me. This is why I only apologized for most of what she said in her list of grievances -- because some was simply untrue. I never lied to her, I never gave her half-apologies -- never in my life have I given anyone an “I’m sorry you feel that way” apology. I apologized for things that didn’t even merit apology. I regressed and backslid on so much healing I had done. She mentally sent me back to high school, convinced me I was who I was as a child, when that was completely untrue. So much of the relationship had become this perfect trap -- where it was damned if I do, damned if I don’t. I ended it because I couldn’t live like that anymore, and I wanted our friendship back. We were awful romantic partners, but such good friends. Not anymore, I guess.

-Every trauma I ever did confide in her, she eventually weaponized against me. She'd recreate every one, or bring them up to silence me. She'd use every moment of vulnerability to further convince me I was an inherently awful person and push me to back slide and regress into trauma I'd grown beyond. Any questioning was met with, yup, I'm gaslighting her or lack introspection.

-She said I never showed interest in her, and I still don't know where that came from. We'd talk about life goals, the world, our ideas. I told her I loved seeing her creative projects and that progress. I read her fan fiction and bragged about it. I don't know when she stopped seeing it, when she stopped seeing me. I introduced her to all of my friends, integrated her into all of my friend groups, because I thought I was building a future with her. But now I'm the villain because she wanted to hold my social life and the friends I'd introduced her to hostage.

-One comment that stuck with me was that she said we weren't even dating, just friends who kissed. She said it again in our last argument before we broke up. I literally didn't know what to do to prove to her that I cared about her, to make her believe me when I said she was my girlfriend. I even came out to my parents about her to try to prove it and it wasn't enough. I got to the point where I almost finally had sex with her just because she wanted it, just to see if that would finally be enough for her to believe me. I'm very glad I didn't.

-She was consistently passive aggressive. She would always say something was fine, then clearly be upset when I'd do it. I'd have to press for there to be any chance of her admitting she didn't like it. There were clear "correct" answers to all of her questions and suggestions, and whenever I refused to acquiesce, it would become an argument.

-Intentions don't matter and all that, but they do. They do, because that's shorthand. She'd constantly use that as a shield, telling me my intentions didn't matter, when at a certain point, she had to be responsible for refusing to hear me. And while intentions don't matter, I never intentionally hurt her, but she intentionally hurt me several times, almost never apologized for it, and in fact insisted to me that I deserved it and had brought it upon myself.

-And I defended her. I continued to defend her for so long, from so many people. I knew she had trauma, and I knew she was in an environment that wasn’t suited to her healing. I convinced myself that I just had to endure until post-pandemic, or until she moved out, or until she got medication she could take, or, or ,or-- and Dan gave me the wake up call that if I was walking on eggshells with her, the environment we were in would only change where I was walking on eggshells with her. Tanner gave me the wake up call that we aren’t even sure she *wants* to leave that house with her family, because of that toxic codependence.

-I’m still terrified of how quickly she turned on me. How quickly she made me a monster. Our break up didn’t have any villains; break ups don’t always need villains. But like a light switch flipping, she turned hatred upon me. She told me that she doesn’t feel empathy and only performs goodness because of a moral code she made for herself, but I never considered what it would be like if she designated me an enemy in that moral code.

Some of this I realized towards the end of our relationship. Some of this I realized after. I’ll add to this post whenever I need to as I parse out more, or remember what I’ve forgotten to add.

I’m not the monster she made me in her story. I’m not responsible for her version of me anymore. I won’t be made to feel guilty or like a villain for finally enforcing my boundaries. I’m still angry that I can’t be open about all of this without continuing to fall into this trap she’s made, of me being awful and hateful instead of abused and rightfully angry. But Tanner and I are the happiest we’ve been in a year. I deeply regret that relationship, but I’m so happy now that I’m out of it, even if it didn’t end how I’d hoped. And I think that says I made the right decision.