#but i do believe that every time a text is read. another one is borne anew in the mind of the reader

[oswinsdolma]

something about how merlin and arthur both died the moment they became a story. how in becoming a legend, they sacrificed the versions of themselves that were real for the infinite potentiality of the versions that could have been. "the story that we have been a part of will live long in the minds of men" but at the cost of the lovers who wrote it, fragmented across space and time by a thousand new imaginations that keep them alive in all that they never were. when we read their story, they are broken and reborn anew, so does that make us murderers or gods? or maybe the whole point is that there never really was much of a difference between the two.

[tybaltsjuliet]

here's the thing about charles dickens. [discussion of his antisemitism, misogyny, and racism ahead.]

his last, unfinished novel, the mystery of edwin drood, features helena and neville landless, heroic and sympathetic south asian (sri lankan, specifically) characters, and the racism they endure in an english town is relevant to the plot to the point where neville ends up falsely accused of murder. in the wake of the indian rebellion of 1857, dickens applauded the english brutality against "that oriental race," and called for genocide.

fagin is called "the jew" 274 times in the first half of oliver twist. an article in the jewish chronicle asked why "jews alone should be excluded from the 'sympathizing heart' of this great author and powerful friend of the oppressed." at first, dickens dismissed this, and claimed he was just being accurate about london's criminal makeup. but he was moved enough by eliza davis's letters to him on the matter that he halted the printing of the latter half of oliver twist so he could change the text and remove the antisemitic language therein.

dickens was an abolitionist who despised chattel slavery in the united states, and called emancipation a "moral duty." dickens didn't think black americans were intelligent enough to vote, and he wrote an entire character in bleak house who is a joke to be disliked and mocked because she'd rather oversee charity missions to help children in africa than be a proper mother and tend to her own family at home in england.

speaking of one's own family at home in england, dickens smeared his wife, catherine hogarth, publicly so he could justify separating from her and taking up with a younger woman. catherine hogarth was likely mentally ill, likely living with postpartum depression. she was also an author in her own right and loved her family dearly. her reputation never recovered in her lifetime from the claims he made about her. in dickens's novels, time and time again, from nicholas nickleby to david copperfield to our mutual friend to the mystery of edwin drood, men who menace and take advantage of vulnerable women are portrayed as the worst kind of villains, deserving of whatever grisly ends come to them.

charles dickens was both privately and publicly a raging asshole in many ways and the world would be worse off without him, because he wrote for bourgeois, comfortable victorians, the very people who so often failed to "think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys." in the same breath that he calls agnes fleming, who opens oliver twist as an unwed mother dying in a workhouse, "weak and erring," he dares to add that "i do believe that the shade of that poor girl often hovers about that solemn nook-ay, though it is a church." he calculated jo's death to the page in bleak house for maximum effect. but when he wrote of the orphaned crossing-sweeper, "dead, your majesty. dead, my lords and gentlemen. dead, right reverends and wrong reverends of every order. dead, men and women, born with heavenly compassion in your hearts. and dying thus around us every day," people listened.

i dedicated years of my life to reading him and studying him and thinking about him and writing about him and his novels. now, i turn to condemn him; now, i turn to justify him. i wish i had a time machine so i could shake his hand. i wish i had a time machine so i could publicly debate him. i wish i had a time machine so i could break his nose.

charles dickens gives me courage and hope. charles dickens makes me want to tear my goddamn hair out. he is everything i despise and everything i love about the victorian age in one; the term "a man of his time" ought to have been invented for him. the leaps and bounds the victorians made for progress in the public good are only matched in greatness by the extremity of their atrocities against their "fellow-passengers" on this earth. the way we think about nearly every modern social ill can be traced back to the 19th century; the way we think about nearly every modern idea of social justice can be traced back to the 19th century. every last one is writ large and small in dickens's novels. he and his age are the greatest contradictions in human history and that's why i can't shut up about them, ever, even when i am exhausted by them, even when i am inspired by them, even when it was two centuries ago and it shouldn't matter anymore, but it does. it always will.

[sukunasweetheart]

👀👉🏾👈🏾 Sukuna x Reader ex's to lovers?

wowowow i cant believe im doing like another celebrity au again but here goes nothing ahaha...

i love this trope, i ended up writing a WHOLE, lengthy ass, detailed plotline on it i hope u dont mind <3 (A WHOLE WHOPPING 6K WORDS YALL)

prepare for hella angst, OOC sukuna, insecure fem!reader, ghosting, messy break up, conflicting and complicated feelings + sexual tension and then intense smut @ the end (make up sex)

imagine sukuna being like, an amateur model-turned-actor, with you being his highschool sweetheart, who was there to support him since day one

a very happy, fulfilling relationship for the most part-- until he starts gaining huge amounts of popularity.

youve always known that he was meant and born to reach sky-high levels of success, and you were certain he was going to make it one day

but things get rockier by the second, and insecurity is such an ugly, ugly thing

seeing him model with other beautiful celebrities, acting in roles where he had a love interest to kiss and fondle, reading those gossip scandal articles involving him and another party every few months or so-

it all got too much for you.

all you needed was some reassurance... but young and vivacious sukuna, drunk on this fame and attention, failed to recognise that and left you feeling neglected.

not on purpose tho, he's never engaged in infidelity, he's never gazed upon someone else with lust or love on his mind - he was using everyone around him as a stepping stone towards his own career

sukuna's known you since forever, and he was confident that you knew his affection for you was unwavering... so he failed to understand where you were coming from whenever you brought these things up

arguments after arguments after arguments

the worst part of it was that he wanted to keep his relationship with you a secret. saying something about how having a significant other would slow his progress in his career down... the decision was urged on by the entertainment company that he was in a contract with

it hurt so damn much when he was being interviewed on tv about his romantic life, only for him to tell the world he was single.

it leads to more arguing.

of course, as a rising celebrity, he was quite awfully busy with many business trips and attending a lot of parties and galas

another terrible fight occurred right before he had to leave for a flight overseas but by then, youd pretty much already decided that you were going to leave him

you basically ghosted him, packing all your belongings overnight, blocking his number and all his social media accounts, making sure even all yours and his mutual friends didn't know of your whereabouts. you're going to start fresh. and give him no closure.

it was petty revenge, and maybe immature of you, but you were just as young as he was, and you wanted him to hurt as badly as you were hurting back then.

sukuna's still overseas, having just come back from another fancy gathering and is fresh out of the shower, in his hotel room... he decides he's gonna try and give you a call, but ofc you don't pick up

he sighs and convinces himself that he'll sort things out with you later when he gets back, not knowing that there won't be a 'later'.

meanwhile you're dragging a suitcase out of the apartment, taking a taxi somewhere else far away, crying as you pass by giant billboards that have pictures of sukuna plastered all over

he feels like such a faraway person now. no longer someone who you used to cuddle closely in bed, or hold hands with. you're not even sure of who you are without him anymore.

you could imagine his reaction when he came home, only to find your entire existence missing. seriously, it was like you were never there. you left nothing of yours behind, and the place was cleaned spick and span, not a hair of yours to be found.

when was the last time sukuna felt so panicked?? this dull ache in his chest, as he spams you calls and texts that never reach you

he contacts mutual friends in rotation but everyone is absolutely clueless... he considers filing a missing persons case but then a trusted friend of yours tells him to not look for you... and that you wanted them to relay a message to him, just a simple goodbye.

what the fuck are you talking about?

oh, here comes a severe headache.

his mind is whirring with overlapping memories, thoughts, regrets, thinking about any clues that might give away where you couldve gone, but theres simply nothing

the shock moves into sorrow, then denial, and then it turns to anger. does he mean nothing to you? so much so that youd abandon him without saying a word?

its like he was going through the five stages of grief, but for someone who he knew was still alive..

eventually, he finds a rebound out of spite. if youve left him, then it's means he's free and single, right? he gets himself piss-drunk, and beds another, only to wake up feeling absolutely disgusted. it feels like... it feels like he's cheated on you. even though you're already gone. he's just a mess of conflicting emotions, and it lasts for so long.

the reason why he doesnt hire someone or use some other underhanded method to actually look for you is because of a weird mixture of both his pride and feelings of insecurity, thinking that maybe, just maybe, you do deserve someone better, someone who understands you more... (and he's also fearful that someone like you, might've already found love somewhere else, and he's definitely not confident that he'll be able to act maturely if he sees its true)

eventually, acceptance does come... but does it really?

i like to think he went through many failed relationships, his partners always leaving him upon witnessing him getting intoxicated and calling for none other than your name in his state. someone who no one around him knows anymore.

years pass, and time really does allow you to forget. for both you and sukuna alike. in your mid thirties, both of you are single at this time.

you've been busy with your new job at some company (dont ask me, i was too lazy to decide what kind, so u guys can make this one up bye), and he made sure to keep himself busy as well. no time for fleeting romance.

of course, until fate does that weird thing where it pushes people together again... a new project lands in your lap, where it involves some kind of collaboration with THE celebrity, ryomen sukuna. of fucking course.

you really did desperately try to get it off and pass this off to some other colleague but they insisted your involvement was necessary. what are you supposed to do? you almost decide to quit... but this job means a lot to you... you can't just throw everything away because of an ex... right?

and, oh my god, when the first meeting does happen, involving the celebrity himself, you and a couple other coworkers to discuss the project, sukuna sees you and his brain short circuits for a moment.

he starts doubting his own vision, and then he reminisces, in the middle of whatever the fuck everyone else was talking about during the meeting.

"... Mr. Ryomen?" one of the other participants ask.

he clears his throat, regains his composure and regathers his focus. he's an actor for god's sake. and he starts speaking, with thoughts of you in the back of his mind. about how much youve changed, but also remained exactly the same...

during introductions, you shake his hand and act professionally. his eye twitches. will you continue to pretend not to know him even afterwards? should he talk to you separately after this? no... doing that would mean he's the desperate one...

when you saw sukuna hesitating, part of you felt relieved. so you're not the only one getting freaked out. you don't expect him to acknowledge you anymore, though.

after the meeting, he walks out feeling confident that he's going to ignore you back, if this was the kind of game you're going to play with him. you mean nothing to him, just as he means nothing to you.

but he remembers the shock that went down his spine at the feeling of the warmth in your hand. he watches you take an elevator by yourself, and tries to make a split second decision on whether he wants to let you go, or if he wants to chase you down.

he probably shouldn't bother.

but he impulsively speed walks down towards you, anyway.

youre startled when the elevator doors are blocked from closing just at the last second, with someone's arm coming through between. your heart skips a beat seeing that it's none other than sukuna.

what is this sensation? this mix of fear and... excitement. you should be unperturbed. you're over him. he's someone from the past. you're buzzing with these feelings, but there also comes a creeping resentment that finds its way to you again, as you try to remember why you left him in the first place.

he unclicks whatever level you were heading to, and clicks on the highest level instead. he's gonna take you to the rooftop of the building, where he can confront you peacefully.

"Mr. Ryomen? Is there something wrong?" you ask him. still feigning ignorance. like salt to a wound. you know its another petty move from your part, but you can't help yourself.

"Don't call me that. You know damn well why I'm here," Sukuna drawls, sounding more sad than angry. they've really become strangers.

you grow silent, being hit with a pang of guilt. deep down, you knew you shouldve handled it more maturely than that. he deserved closure, and you needed it too. but isn't it too late for all that now?

the conversation flows tense, but unravels slowly. there's still a lot of questions being withheld though. he wants to ask you how youve been. were you able to sleep peacefully after you left him? why did you have to leave in the worst way possible?

a familiar headache creeps up.

simultaneously, the anger finds its way in his heart all over again. he knows he didn't do much good towards the end of their relationship either but ghosting him was plain disrespectful and childish.

you surprise him when you give a sudden heartfelt apology.

you tell him that you know apologising now after all these years is frankly almost meaningless but still, he didnt deserve to be left behind in that kind of way. you admit that you should've communicated with him properly that you were breaking up with him.

he's left kinda speechless, bc he was so ready to be all snarky to you after everything.. he's still mad, but he can't really say shit anymore without sounding like too much of an asshole.

truth be told, if you did stay around to tell him that you were breaking up with him beforehand, he probably wouldn't have let you go... where would you guys be now, if you never separated?

"i've always wanted to apologise. it's been weighing on me ever since i left."

...and yet, you didn't ever think to call or text him even once afterwards? he never changed his number in hopes for that, and he hates himself for it.

"i understand that you hate me now, but let's try to get through the collaboration without trouble. and then we can part ways again."

that one pierces his heart, like a bullet. you haven't said anything technically wrong. he should hate you. or at least, he should feel indifferent by now. and yet... the way that you automatically assume so irks him badly.

"do you really believe that i hate you? aren't you the one that hates me?"

it's a stupid fucking question. what the fuck is he even saying? he wants to kick the elevator door.

"...i left because i thought you hated me, that you didn't need me anymore. and i tried to convince myself that i hated you too. but that couldn't be further from the truth. even now, i don't ha-"

before you can say any more, the elevator doors open, and a small group of employees are standing outside them, looking curiously in at you and sukuna. then, they realise who he is. they come flocking in, asking for autographs and pictures.

you quietly slip out of the crowd, and after giving one quick glance at sukuna, who visibly wants to pursue you again, you walk away to avoid gathering attention on yourself. wait-! dammit- he thinks.

he can't chase after you. he can't call out for you to stop. he can't push all of these people away. if he did, it will cause rumours and unfavourable articles to fly out. let's try to get through the collaboration without trouble. his own fame becomes another obstacle between you and him.

back then, you were his whole world, yet somewhere along the path, he started to fail in making you feel like it.

he watches you take the fire exit towards the emergency stairs, while he's surrounded by overbearing fans who beg for his attention. you're going to have to walk down in your heels, all because of him. as he catches the final glimpse of you, as he's reluctantly dealing with his fans, he begins to understand, a little bit. he didn't want to understand why you decided to leave him. but he does now. a little.

a couple of stairwells down, you eventually pause for a moment and sit down on the last step to take a breather. you wipe your sweaty palms against your skirt. the familiar tug at your heart, in which your insecurities come flowing back to you, seeing him surrounded. you need to build higher, stronger walls around you from now.

when sukuna is done on his end, and sends them off down the elevator, he goes off to check down the stairs you went, but you've already booked it. slipped right through his fingers. you were about to say something important. with unresolved feelings, sukuna also takes the stairs down, with a heavy heart. each step down brings him another old, nostalgic memory of you to him.

from then on, the more he interacts with you during work-related matters, the more apparent it becomes that he still harbors feelings for you. he tries to ignore it, push it back down, but it only returns twice as overwhelming.

your voice. the way you smile. the scent of your perfume. exactly the same as back then. yet, he also observes the changes that have occurred in you; how you act, speak and the kinds of words you use, as well as seeing you in such a professional setting rather than personal - everything is coming together to allure him more, and he's in a state where he's unable to resist this attraction, but also unable to act on it, because he's not sure how you'd react to it.

he knows it's not just him getting drunk on nostalgia.

the next time he catches you alone, he makes sure to tell you that he doesn't hate you like you believe he does. you'd never admit it, but that gave you butterflies in your stomach.

in fact, everything sukuna does, even just locking eyes with you for a few seconds, is enough to make your heart rate increase, intensifying when he looks at you almost like... almost like he wants you. you must be imagining things.

he finds himself doing uncharacteristic deeds, like sending coffee for all the staff members. his manager passes them out to everybody, including you. he doesn't know if you still like your coffee the same way as he remembers, but he makes sure that yours is a little different, a little more specific than everyone else's, in hopes that you'll notice these small gestures of his.

over the course of the project, he inches closer to you, ever so slowly. but you don't seem to budge. even worse, you seem to be avoiding him as much as you possibly can. you avert your gaze from his. stagger away when he gets close.

he brings it up on one occasion, when he's able to approach you at the back of the building, where there's no one around, and no watchful eyes of a nosy audience. it's definitely frustrating and unpleasant- when he wants to speak with you, he has to keep distance in case another scandal rises. he doesn't want to drag you into the spotlight, without knowing if you're okay with it first.

sukuna only really talks to you when there's nobody around. maybe he's being considerate of you, but it gives you the impression that he doesn't want to be seen hanging around with you. it makes you remember things you don't want to. it makes you remember that being with him now requires a courage that you're not sure that you have. at the very least, you know you definitely didn't have it back then.

you keep conversations short with him, and try to leave. but he keeps at it persistently. what is he trying to do? is he toying with you?

"you're acting like you want us to get back together. don't do things that'll make me misunderstand," you tell him. you were trying to provoke him. expecting him to deny it harshly and back away, because you knew he was prideful- he'd never be caught being hung up over an ex.

"...and? what if i told you that i do want that? would you stop avoiding me then?" he takes one step forward, and you take one back, proving his point.

why is he pushing aside his ego for you? where did all his arrogance go off to? this isn't how the sukuna in his twenties would've responded. his answer makes you waver, and you don't appreciate that. you try not to show it.

"no. i'd only begin to avoid you even more. so don't start."

"i'm not," you deny, but your voice betrays you. he clings onto that.

"why? ...afraid that you'd cave in to me?"

like the way he's already pretty much caved in for you?

"you don't sound very convincing."

"...would you want someone who'd choose their career over you?"

that stops him in his tracks. he has nothing to say to that. because he did make that mistake. where he prioritised his job over your feelings.

"i don't hate or blame you for that anymore, sukuna. but you have to understand... i don't want to go through that pain ever again. i don't want to hold you back. we both deserve more compatible partners."

your own words sting yourself, and you try to go again right after saying that, because it's getting too much for you. his hand flies out to grab yours out of instinct, to stop you from leaving. leaving him again.

it's really not like him to be the clingy ex, pathetically begging to be taken back, but he's willing to throw such pride away if it means you'll be appeased. if you'll let him back into your life again.

"don't say that. you never held me back-- you were my home and my everything, and i was the one that started to take you for granted," he says gently, his low voice laced with sorrow, so uncharacteristically. you've only ever heard this kind of tone from him once before, and it was when his grandfather, who was like a parent to him, had passed away. his thumb brushes over your hand.

"give me another chance. this time i'll let the whole world know about us. about how much you mean to me."

he gets in close ever so slowly, and you let him, for only a moment, before gently pushing him away, with a hand on his chest.

sukuna hitches in a breath, heart sinking to his stomach. he wants to embrace you so, so, so bad. he needs your warmth. always has been. always will. but he sees that you're unrelenting, which breaks him.

"no, stop... i'm sorry, i can't."

you're still scared. you keep thinking about how lonely you felt when you were with him, at least right before the break up. seeing him laughing through the tv screen. alone in the living room. and all the arguments.

your hand slips out of his, and he lets you go. he feels empty when you walk away. hollow. the similar feeling he felt when you first left him, but less anguish and more despair. when he gets home, he tries to drink those feelings away. something he rarely does. old regrets and heartaches return, and he drinks until he passes out.

while he drinks, you weep. crying into your pillow, wondering if you're doing the right thing. wondering if this is how it's supposed to be. terrified of being with him again, but also terrified of losing him, like a hypocrite.

from then on, sukuna keeps a respectful distance from you... no longer trying to make approaches in secret, no longer pursuing you every chance he gets. but he still sends out coffee. even provides snacks to the crew. little do they know, they're the kinds of snacks that he knows you loved. hopefully, you still do. he'll keep his distance because it's what you want, but he wishes to keep doing these little things for you. subtly.

and you notice it, too. you have vivid memories of telling him about your favourites and preferences back then, and you recognise what he's trying to do. you drink the coffee. and you always grab a handful of the snacks. you do appreciate it. it makes you happy that he remembers. on a few occasions, you turn to look at him, only to witness him looking away at the last second.

it's not too long before the project is successfully finalised, and all their efforts have been rewarded. a celebration is due, and your boss throws a party at a fancy hotel for everyone to enjoy themselves at. sukuna had stopped going to so many gatherings and parties quite a while ago, but he attends knowing that you'll be there as well. he'll see you for the final time before he'll lose any excuses to be around you ever again. it'll be the final night.

you exchange a few words with him at the venue, but the two of you leave each other to mingle with other groups reluctantly, to avoid suspicion. both of you are quite tense all throughout the night, sipping on some wine to ease it, but it still doesn't relax the tension you feel, no matter how far away sukuna stands from you.

a few hours in, and you decide to excuse yourself early to head up into your designated hotel room. your boss covered the expenses for a night, and it would've been a waste to decline it, so you decided to stay. sukuna isn't around anywhere at the venue anymore, so you assume he's already left. you thought about saying farewell, but it didn't seem appropriate after you flat out rejected him. you still have doubts about the decision. because you miss him. but what's done is done, and you can't take back what you've already said.

however, getting to the hotel elevator, you notice he's standing there, with miraculous timing. you awkwardly "hey" him, and he says it back, hands in his pockets.

the two of you step inside when it arrives, and the thick tension remains.

"i'm surprised. i thought you'd be staying around longer for the party," you tell him.

he can't tell you that he found it unbearable, to see you hanging around other people, but being unable to get closer to you himself.

"i just got a bit tired," he lies. "did you have a lot to drink?"

"not at all. i had a few glasses, but i'm still sober."

"same here."

as the lift gets closer to your level, you get antsy, thinking about what to say before you leave, but your thoughts get interrupted when he asks you something abruptly.

"...can i walk you to your room? for the last time."

you swallow thickly on nothing, and feel how your chest aches at the words. last time.

"alright. sure," you say.

he wasn't expecting you to say yes, but he's glad you're letting him stay beside you a little longer. you're staring at the elevator doors, but he's looking at your face from the side. if only the lift would malfunction and stop, right here.

but it doesn't, and soon, he's really walking beside you as you get to your hotel room door, in silence. you unlock it using your key, and then that's it.

"thanks for walking me here," you say rather sheepishly. the thought of him wanting to spend even a few more seconds with you... your hold on the door knob is tight as you stand, face turned around to look at him. it's taking everything in you to stand your ground. last minute guilt and regrets are bombarding your thoughts, and...

"i'll say this now because i probably won't get another chance again," sukuna starts, looking directly into your eyes. his eyes are mellow, and he looks wistful.

"i'm sorry. i realised i never apologised, even though that's the first thing you did for me," he starts. he knows there's a mountain of reasons he is apologising for, but he decides he'll keep this short for your sake.

".. i can't lie to you and say that i wish for your happiness with someone else. 'm not that nice." you know it the best. and you understand, because you don't think you'd be able to withstand seeing him happy with someone else, either.

"find your happiness elsewhere, thanks," he grunts humorously. for god's sake. he's never been good at things like this. being heartfelt. at least it made you chuckle a bit. his expression of indignation melts away into a melancholic one again.

"i still love you." (always have, always will.)

you fight back sudden tears, and your throat begins to ache. sukuna unclenches his fist, and tries to relax himself more.

"and...i'll miss you," he breathes the phrase out. says it so quietly, like it hurts for him to say. (i don't want to let you go.)

something snaps within you and everything starts to scream at you to take everything back, and stop him from going away. don't go- don't go- don't go-

"...goodnight."

he notices your wet eyes, and he has to fight back against the urge to reach out and wipe it away. to rescind his farewell, and pull you into his arms again - forcefully, if he has to. he needs to leave, before he loses control.

you're panicking, and your vision is swimming, and you don't think you'll ever be happy again if you let him go like this-- you're gonna be heartbroken in the worst way imaginable. you want him back, and you know you're being unreasonable after turning him down like that, but you don't care anymore. you want to go against your fears. you want to try being with him again.

before you can stop yourself, your hand catches onto the hem of sukuna's sleeve, seconds before he takes another step away from you.

his eyes widen, and he looks at your grip on his sleeve, like he's checking to see if it's real, and he's not making this shit up in his mind. his heart beats impossibly fast. his hopes skyrocket. the world decided to have mercy on him.

"...you're being unfair, grabbing onto me like this. after i went through hell just now, trying to say goodbye." he's being awfully patient right now.

you don't respond, only silently weeping.

he waits to see if you'll let go, whether this was just an act out of a temporary fickle in your heart, but your grip remains tight, and you're now just looking up at him with tears rolling down, eyes glossy and desperate, pulling at his heart strings. you only let go when he comes back to you, not hesitant to brush his thumbs across your face now, wiping the wetness away.

"what do you want me to do? tell me, and i'll do it. leave? stay?" sukuna coos at you, like he's always done before, waiting patiently until you've calmed down enough to respond properly.

"i shouldn't... i shouldn't let you in. not after how much i'd pushed you away," you whisper. today was supposed to mark the end of it all.

he doesn't even give a fuck about that anymore. what matters is now.

"...but do you want to let me in?"

"...yes," you hic.

he takes a couple of steps forward, making you step back with him, his hand on your waist to make sure you don't trip on the way. he goes past the doorway and into your hotel room slowly. one- two- three- steps. he closes the door behind him quietly.

"and..? what next?" he asks in a low voice, standing close to you, one hand still remaining on your waist, and the other on your upperarm.

"i... i don't know. i just need you," you mumble, looking up at him, eyes red from crying and half-closed. your hands inch up along his back, grabbing handfuls of his suit jacket. sukuna hitches in a breath and something dark flashes across his eyes. they reflect his desire, his almost carnal desperation for you-

"forgive me. i don't think i can hold myself back, anymore."

he captures your lips in his, and groans shamelessly into you. you grip onto him tighter, heart beating so rambunctiously that you fear he can hear it too. it feels too good. the moment he reached you, it felt like the final piece of a puzzle clicking in to complete a full picture.

you part your mouth, and he wastes no time in slipping his tongue inside, kissing you in the way he knows you love, in the way it makes your lips tingle, and, oh god, even after all these years, he still knows how to get you going like no other.

sukuna tastes the traces of wine on your tongue, and even better, he tastes you, the one he'd been missing and craving all this time, the warmth of your skin and touch, your scent, just everything about you, you, you.

he backs you towards the bed, without breaking this breathless, hungry kiss, where he softly lays you down, with him being above you, chest to chest, arms supporting his weight. he momentarily pulls away from you simply just to breathe, and the two of you gaze at each other for a hot second, full of love and lust, breaths overlapping one another. he attempts to ask you "do you still wanna continue?" just in case, but before he gets to say a word, you grab him by his tie and pull his lips to yours again, beginning to loosen it and take it off.

he understands that you want it, now. you successfully manage to untie it, somehow, with just willpower alone, and you start aiming for his buttons next, undoing them one by one. your actions send sparks down to all of his limbs, and he feels so fulfilled by your desire of him, being as intense as how he obsesses over you.

soon after you're done with it, he takes them off and chucks his own clothes away, rendering him half-naked. your hole clenches around nothing at the sight once he pulls away again, his firm muscles and the same old tattoos that you vividly remembered the patterns of. you greedily run your palms across his pecs, eyes turning to hearts. he smirks at you.

it's his turn now, and he doesn't hesitate to start undressing you as well. sukuna gets dizzy at the thought of being able to feast his eyes on your body. he dives in to keep kissing you, and then begins to unbutton you with such speed, it almost startles you.

it's off. your breasts are out in the open now, and sukuna has his fill with massaging them with his large hand, having missed them so much. his palm feels so hot, and your nipples pebble up at his touch, making you gasp into his mouth.

his kiss moves over to the side of your face, it glides down your neck, shoulders, and eventually reaches the swell of your chest. your fingers brush through the pink of his hair as he does so, and you purse your lips together, basking in the feeling of his warm kisses littering your skin. he leaves you hickeys-- the same shape and size and same locations as he used to even during your days in highschool, and you chuckle to yourself at the thought.

it's not long before he's loosening your skirt and slipping your undergarments down, getting rid of your slick-stained panties, much to his satisfaction. sukuna rubs a thumb over your aroused clit, and you whimper, having missed the touch of a man- his touch specifically.

"fuck... you're so wet.... all for me?" he asks, proceeding to slip two fingers into your weeping hole. you arch your back at the feeling, how his thick digits scissor inside of you and press up against a particularly lovely spot. he watches your every response as he does so, watching how you moan because of his touch, and how you're grabbing at his wrist because it's getting too intense. his cock prods uncomfortably against his pants. you're producing so much slick, and his fingers are getting absolutely drenched.

when he takes them out, you whine a little in disappointment.

"i know, i know. i'll give you something better," he whispers, kissing your cheek.

he unbuckles himself, and lowers his boxers to reveal his aching dick, tip wet with precum, veins bulging out the sides. looks the same as you remember. he pumps it a couple of times with his hand that's still covered with your slick, and he twitches. this isn't a dream, is it?

"oh god, please, i need it-" you plead, your hole feeling eager and empty.

"it's all yours," he mumbles. your begging makes him lightheaded as he lines himself up at your weeping cunt.

"i'm all yours."

when he sinks in deep to the hilt, you cry out at the fullness, as his tip pushes the spot inside you that had been feeling so lonely for years. your hands finds themselves against his back, feeling for his tight muscles.

"shit- 'm gonna lose my mind," sukuna groans as he gives a few shallow thrusts into you, cock so hard and throbbing wildly as your plush walls clamp on him and coats him with your arousal. he grabs one of your hands from his back and interlocks his fingers with yours against the mattress, before leaning down to bring his lips against the side of your neck.

"oh, thank god... thank god, you changed your mind. i love you. i would've been so fucking miserable without you, doll. for the rest of my life," he croons, breath fanning so close to your ear. you shudder at the tone of his voice, tearing up again, mixed with pleasure and relief, and you grab his hand tighter.

you turn your head a little more to the side, making it easier for sukuna to bite and suck on the sensitive skin of your neck, as his thrusts increase in speed, nudging your g-spot with every movement.

soon enough, he's bringing his attention back to your tongue, which he caresses with his own, nibbling on your lower lip, maintaining this same perfect pace in his thrusts that brings you closer to your orgasm.

"sukuna- i'm- i'm gonna-" you say breathlessly.

but he merely kisses you again, swallowing up any words you could say or moans you could let out, not minding the gasps and whimpers that you make.

sweat beads on his perfect body, and he makes out with you through your high, groaning back when he feels your walls flutter around him. he's close. even once you've finished cumming, he begins to pound into you quicker, wanting to get to his own orgasm. you claw at his back, crying out in pleasure, as sukuna's tongue lathers your jawline.

he wants to breed you so fucking bad. but no, that'll have to wait. he can't do something to jeopardize your trust in him. he'd rather die than endure another second of being distanced from you again.

right before he's pushed off the edge, sukuna pulls out and desperately jerks himself off above your stomach, panting as his cock throbs in his hand with every spurt that coats you, feeling so hot against your tummy.

you feel a twinge of disappointment, because you also wanted to feel that in your womb...

his dick twitches weakly after being spent, and he breathes heavily, liking the sight of you being covered in his seed for another time. (and many more from now.)

" 'kuna... it's a safe day for me today," you suggest to him without thinking. "i want it inside me..."

the phrase is enough to get heat pooling in his abdomen, and he feels himself get hard all over again.

"you sure, doll? if it's what you want, i'll..." he begins to say, almost flustered by your suggestion. you know you shouldn't say this next line, but it's so easy to get carried away with this man... get caught up in the heat of the moment.

"i want your babies so bad."

you've hit his switch. sukuna growls and puts you into a mating press instantaneously, making you squeak.

"no takebacks," he mutters dangerously, beginning the second round.

the night is long, but heavenly, as soon after he dumps everything he has into your womb, then proceeds to eat you out, making you cry for the third time before sunrise.

when you're awake, it's already heading past midday, and you're relieved to see that yesterday's happenings were not a dream, seeing as the large man is sleeping with an iron hold around your body, as if subconsciously afraid you'd leave him before he woke up again.

he awakens from his slumber to your light, feathery touches on his face, which puts him in a good mood from the moment he opens an eye. it was the scenario he's always dreamed of. waking up next to you, smiling.

there's much to talk about. about what's to come next, future plans, worries, and things they need to do to make amends for all the lost years between each other. but you decide to take things slow.

back to bullet points again bc im lazy to write it properly now

you spend the weekend w him at the hotel and stuff, just playing eating and sleeping, catching up yk

he tells you on his own accord that he wants to let everyone know that he's with you now, but he's worried that it'll bring backlash to you but you tell him you're going to be brave and take it, bc you WANT everyone to know

anyway prepare for turbulence

but everything'll be alright bc hes with you

im thinking about how mopey he'll be when you have to separate from him bc you each have your own homes rn, hes always asking you to come over or if he can come over to your place

and he'll be begging you to move in soon, like old times (he lives in a rich man house now tho)

and also thinking about how its a fresh start, but they also go through old memories and now reminiscing isnt painful anymore bc yall are back together

sukuna also says he's stopped doing romance genres in acting bc he had felt annoyed acting in lovey dovey scenes when his own love life used to be in shambles all the time

and bc hes at a point in his career where he has more choice in choosing between scripts that are offered to him, he's going to continue to decline the ones that have love interests, it doesnt affect him that much anyway

he's just being more considerate of your feelings now... and you promised him that you'll never just disappear like that again when you're upset haha...

sometimes when you still have a few disagreements with him, he keeps subtly checking up on you (hes traumatised, leave him be)

lots of facetiming when he has to go overseas for filming purposes <3

okay, thats all, bye <3

Masterlist

[sharkorok]

all eyes on you (enhypen)

or the moments that make everyone think you’re dating

cw/genre: idol!reader, reader doesnt have specified gender but implied to be a female, fluff, so cute bye, secret relationships, humor, u have delulu fans

requested: naurrr

a/n: ehe thx for 100 followers :) I hope my writing makes u happy because knowing people read my works makes me super duper happy! luv uuuu

•-•-•-•-•-•

heeseung

-at an awards show your outfits were matching, like very obviously matching

-matching bracelets, you had one on your left wrist and he had one on the right, the colors matched each other, same style and aesthetic…

-he gets v nervous but also you were in some dating rumors with another idol so…he wouldn’t be mad if he was next tbh….BUT THEN UR GROUP WAS ASSIGNED NEXT TO HIM??

-dawg was sweating the whole time trying not to admire you and how cute you two looked

-but no every one of those “enhypen mma reaction” or “heeseung reaction focus” showed him very clearly staring at you 😭, twt had a field day with you two

-he can’t help it, you looked so good and how can he keep his eyes off his lovely s/o when they’re all dressed up + matching?? seriously his management was insane for putting him so close to you

-and when all groups were leaving he was seen literally sprinting to be closer to you

-ya dispatch didn’t even need to confirm anything after that awards show

the others r below!

jay

-during a live he got his guitar out and started playing all your favorite songs

-and this was literally a day after you named your favorite songs

-then to make it worse he was like “yeah these are y/n’s favorite songs don’t they have good music taste?” and then he kept talking about you and staff was sweating while watching istg

-the way he talked about you tho,,he either had a massive crush on you or you two were dating

-the ship edits the next day were insane honestly some of your fans need to get into the editing business because you genuinely believed a photo of him holding your waist was taken at inkigayo

-he doesn’t even try to hide how much he likes you istg, he goes out of his way to talk to you at awards shows and always films challenges with you, he gives the shippers so much content

-then another time jay cooked your favorite food in a vlog and specifically said it was your favorite food, name dropping and everything

-literally no one is surprised that you two are confirmed dating after a while.

jake

-accidentally went on live while talking about you

-he fully believed he closed out of the app when he was talking to jay and saying stuff like, “I’m really excited to see her at the performance, I hope we have time to hang out…” and then he hears notifications and sees that he was streaming and he nearly faints

-plays it off like he fully intended for everyone to hear that and continues like he planned on going live

-he’s also trying to hide the way his eyes flickered up to your rapid texts being like, “JAKE WHY ARE WE TRENDING ON TWITTER??”

-jay is behind the camera just trying not to laugh becuz how do you even recover from this one, literally all the comments are talking about you and him

-“y/n…? yeah ahahah I know her uh huh mhm anyways moving on” and his horrible deflecting skills are making it even more obvious

-and when you go on live?? oh u bet the comments are “did you see jake’s recent live?? are u cheating on us y/n?”

-u desperately distract by spoiling your comeback but there’s already 14k Tik toks analyzing every interaction you had with Jake and why you two are cosmically intertwined

sunghoon

-describes you to a T when asked about his ideal type

-he meant to just mention the broad details but he gets excited talking about u ok :(

-“yeah a good heart and around (your exact height), with (the hex code of your eye color) eyes, born on (your birthday), hobbies include (every single one of your hobbies) and also…(literally all the information under your kprofiles page)”

-ur fans catch on and are like “isn’t this literally y/n” and he’s like “omg nooo coincidence”

-it is NOT a coincidence bro he was fully thinking of you and only you during that interview

-anyways you don’t help the situation by describing him too when asked about your ideal type, but ur at least a tad less obvious 😭

-“yea I love guys who ice skate and stuff”

-u two definitely get scolded by management

sunoo

-sometimes he forgets to care about keeping things secret (like that lipton tea thing he did)

-so he’s showing fans his camera roll and he shows selfies you never posted before…in his camera roll…never before seen by anyone but him and you to the camera and is like

-“y/n’s visual is so perfect, right?”

-and yeah duh ur stunning and gorgeous but fans are distracted by your beauty for a second before being like “hm…how did he get those selfies and why r they in his camera roll”

-ur fans r thankful for the content tho so he kinda did everyone a favor

-but it’s a LITTLE suspicious…but neither of you address anything so it just festers a little

-until you two do a tik tok challenge together and he captions it with a heart emoji like oh my god 😭

-you’re not innocent either when you said “sunoo’s visual is so amazing” like both of you get some media training I beg

-everyone loves how obviously whipped you two are for each other tho :,)

jungwon

-accidentally exposes your polaroid in his phone case

-thankfully he has photos of his members and maeum but why were you there??

-he completely ignores it tbh he shows the photos to the camera and is like “these r the polaroids in my phone case. anyways.” n he’s playing it cool but internally he’s PANICKING

-“hopefully they didn’t see the heart I drew on the Polaroid,” he thinks foolishly

-we did.

-so you try to do some damage control on your own live when asked about why he has ur photo in his phone and ur like “oh we’re really close friends!!”

-n honestly that’s a good and healthy response because everyone has the right to their platonic relationships

-but jungwon’s heart he drew on your Polaroid was just a little bit tooooo suspicious…anyways this leads to fans over-analyzing every single interaction to the point you two weren’t allowed to be seen in a ten foot proximity at events for a while

-but at least it reminded jungwon to be more careful lolol

niki

-accidentally rizzes you up on live television

-you’re an mc for smth and you’re interviewing enhypen and you’re like, “oooh, some burning questions, what is your ideal type?”

-and Niki, with no hesitation fully goes, “you lol” and you see ur career flash before your eyes

-ur co mc is nervously laughing and niki realizes like oh wait we’re being broadcasted so he’s like “oh just kidding haha!!!” even though you two are making awkward eye contact while you’re mentally scolding him

-he’s so used to teasing and flirting with you in private so it’s a little hard to shake off in public

-anyways fans notice he’s looking at you a little too lovingly and being a little too genuine when he responded so it’s not long before you see ship edits on Twitter and tik tok

-doesn’t help when you answer the ideal type question with “someone who is playful and funny” thinking it was broad enough but ‘twas not <3

-he doesn’t really care too much but thought it was funny, even if he had to take a media training class again afterwards >:T

[bronzeagepizzeria]

TEN AND ROSE: WERE THEY HAVING SEX?

Disclaimer: I absolutely support people writing whatever makes them happy; this is NOT a criticism of ten x rose smutfic/established relationship/babyfic etc, I’ve read and enjoyed several of those, this is simply my reading of their canon relationship.

Every once in a while, the Rose Tyler tag sees text posts about how, obviously, Ten and Rose were sleeping together throughout Series 2, as evidenced by their absolutely sizzling chemistry in episodes such as New Earth and Tooth and Claw.

Most of them are usually in good humour—a “can you BELIEVE this chemistry” sort of thing, but there does exist a genuine belief among some that they really were sexually intimate already.

So, let's examine this canonically, from a Tentoo lens.

Were they having sex?

Short answer: No.

Long answer?

Throughout Series 1, we pick up on hints of the Ninth Doctor’s feelings for Rose growing, as well as Rose beginning to have feelings for the Doctor. It’s quite subtle in comparison to Series 2; here’s two great friends beginning to fall in love—flirting and bantering and getting jealous of other love interests xD. It’s not a very explicit romance (and this is why Rose haters tend to prefer NineRose, but that’s a conversation for another day) but it is heavily implied, and it is sealed with a kiss in The Parting of the Ways.

When Rose looks into the heart of the TARDIS and comes back for the Doctor, this romance is made explicit. When the Doctor dies to take the vortex out of Rose, the romance is made explicit. This is no longer a crush, or simple endearment, they’re in love.

The Tenth Doctor is born out of this love. He now knows the extent of Rose’s feelings, and he knows just how far she is willing to go for him. (This is a blessing and a curse, but we’ll come back to that some other time.)

Rose’s immediate reaction to seeing Ten is asking him to change back—(something that noticeably distresses him—the fact that she might not like him anymore). She spends the entirety of The Christmas Invasion mourning him, (which is fair since he never told her the tiny little detail of his ability to regenerate. Sigh.) and only really comes around to him at the end of that episode. We can safely assume, then, that they haven’t had sex.

In New Earth, they’re still very much relearning their dynamic—how do they work together, fit together now? We learn that Rose is physically attracted to the Tenth Doctor, thanks to Cassandra, and Rose's slightly mortified reaction at hearing this from him implies that there's been no confession of the sort to him.

You could argue that maybe something happened off-screen between Episodes 2 and 3, but as Ally on the tentoo x rose server pointed out, that would be shoddy writing. A physical relationship amongst the main two leads that is never even alluded to with a chaste kiss, is odd. So we can assume this major development didn't happen.

Tooth and Claw, the one episode that is constantly subject to 'they were totally shagging' discourse, has exceptionally flirty energy, yes, but this is because Ten and Rose are both very tactile people. Make no mistake, they definitely are flirting and being more touchy-feely than strictly necessary, but it would be narratively inconsistent for the reason for this behaviour to be 'they were having sex.'

Why?

I'd like to point out this dialogue we get from Queen Victoria:

This moment is extremely important; it plants the seeds for the proper beginning of one of the main themes of S2, which is the biggest reason the two of them are not constantly shagging in the TARDIS.

From this point on, something has been re-awakened in the Doctor, the fear of outliving someone he loves again.

We have to remember the Doctor is a severely traumatised man, a man who has outlived his entire species, and the idea of this girl he loves dying and leaving him alone is unbearable.

In School Reunion we get this spelt out for us. The Doctor sees Sarah Jane again, and reality strikes. This will be Rose, one day. There’s a key confrontation that takes place in this episode, an argument that remains unresolved because there are certain things Ten cannot bring himself to say.

DOCTOR: I don't age. I regenerate. But humans decay. You wither and you die. Imagine watching that happen to someone who you…

ROSE: What, Doctor?

There is a later confrontation in the same episode, where the Doctor is tempted with the idea of never having to see anyone wither and die again.

Even the infamous The Girl in the Fireplace doubles down on these themes--the Doctor's immortality. Time running out.

The Age of Steel two-parter brings with it the “gingerbread house”. Things we want which we cannot have.

This, in fact, is the crux of their entire relationship, folks. The incompatible lifespans. Rose's mortality. Untapped desire. The unsaid.

This is why it's important and impactful that Rose, on the last day she gets to see the Doctor, ever, plucks up the courage to actually put words to what she feels. This is why the unfinished confession in Doomsday hurts so much. Because they finally, finally took that plunge but it was too late.

Assuming that they've been in a physically intimate relationship all the while takes away from the gravity of this moment.

(Not to mention it's super exploitative, considering the inherent power dynamics. To think Ten had sex with Rose all that time--entirely aware of her feelings--and didn't have the decency to say he loved her and then proceeded to force her to choose between him and another version of himself...is problematic.)

I would go as far as saying it's a fundamentally wrong reading of their entire relationship, and of the Doctor himself.

I've seen people say the "baby scare" in Doomsday is proof that they'd been physically intimate, but it is, quite obviously the Doctor being afraid Rose was pregnant with Mickey's baby, not his.

DOCTOR: You've still got Mister Mickey, then? ROSE: There's five of us now. Mum, Dad, Mickey and the baby. DOCTOR: You're not?

He is, in his not so subtle way, trying to figure out if Rose is back with Mickey. It only hammers in the fact that he's missed his chance---not that the child might be his.

DOCTOR: Rose Tyler, Defender of the Earth. You're dead, officially, back home. So many people died that day and you've gone missing. You're on a list of the dead. Here you are, living a life day after day. The one adventure I can never have. ROSE: Am I ever going to see you again? DOCTOR: You can't.

Again, the narrative hammers this in. Their time is up. Rose will inevitably move on one day, without him.

All this to say…

TenRose in Series 2 is a tale of what could be. Of missed opportunities, and the lives and love we could have had.

But why is this important?

In order to understand Tentoo and Journey's End, it is vital we understand this aspect of TenRose. The yearning, the skirting around feelings in the room, the denial of gratification on Ten's part. The desire he cannot give in to.

Because Tentoo is the realisation of this desire. He is the second chance.

He is the embodiment of the Doctor grabbing hold of his one, short life and deciding to live it to the fullest. Tentoo is making a choice here--a choice to truly love Rose the way he has ached to do for years. This is why it's significant that he was able to get the words out while Ten wasn't.

This is why Rose chooses him.

This snippet of an email RTD received from Pete Bower sums it up extremely eloquently:

“In having one Doctor grieve for his lost love, while the other Doctor went off with that same lost love, you have written of that moment we all have where we make a choice. It is grieving for the love we never had (and the sex we never had) because of the choices we made.”

[captainkirkk]

✩ WEEKLY FIC ROUND-UP ✩

All the fics I’ve read and really enjoyed in the past week-ish. Reminder: This list features any and all ratings and themes. Please look at tags and warnings on ao3 before reading.

Harry Potter

The Ordeal of Being Known by louisfake

When Auror Potter is anonymously cursed with silence by being forced to hide his own voice inside his mind, there's unfortunately only one person in the country with the qualifications to fix it: Certified and Licensed Healer Legilimens, Draco Malfoy, specialist in Mind Curses and Afflictions. It's obviously a terrible idea, a disaster waiting to happen, but Draco's never been able to back down from a challenge... especially from Potter.

Features fuzzy cartoon slippers, devious house elves, 90s music, and lots—LOTS—of memories. Ron is annoyingly hot, Hermione sees right through you, Harry is a powerful idiot, and Draco is a reclusive masochist that would buy an entire city if it would make a kid happy. (And Pansy is "5'2, I wanna dance with you, and I'm sophisticated fun.")

Super Mario Bros

Cooking Mama (Luigi)! by Little_RedHots_Riding_Hood

Luigi was having a perfectly peaceful stroll through the Toad Market - the sun was shining, he'd just found a lovely handmade blanket, and was on his way to the bakery before heading back to his and Mario's home.

Only... what was that sniffling noise from that dark, scary alleyway?

Of all the creatures he was expecting to find, the littlest prince of the Koopa Kingdom certainly wasn't it.

Star Wars

the tiger is out by elumish

Wolffe looks like he’s regretting having a second Jedi with them.

DC

Cryp-Tim by PrinceJakeFireCake

"The cons of dating Tim Drake were innumerous. For one, he was almost impossible to photograph, and so none of Kon’s friends at school actually believed he existed. His family was scary, horrifying really, and all of them seemed to find joy in making Tim regret ever being born. And Tim had charmed Ma and Pa Kent so thoroughly, they had ditched their shovel talk to instead coo at him and offer him pie and compliment him for fixing their tractor, so Kon was at a disadvantage when it came to intimidating someone with his family.”

Kon and Tim date. It goes pretty well, all things considered.

Tim Has a Hero Worship-y Crush on Every Robin Ever by PrinceJakeFireCake

"Tim as an adult was bad enough, Tim with no filter as a child was too much to be around."

Cork Board Contingencies by PrinceJakeFireCake

If you don’t use a cork board to obsessively plan contingencies for every possible way a date with your best friend can go, how can you go on a date at all?

Excerpt: “Are you free next Saturday?” Tim asked, pretty sure that Kon’s jumble of words was agreement that he wanted to date Tim.

“Maybe!” Kon exclaimed.

“Cool,” Tim commented, taking another sip of his drugged grape soda (“Dammit, Tim,” he mentally told himself. “Do not give in! Buy new grape soda! Stop drinking the drugged grape soda! I’ve shotgunned another can of drugged grape soda, haven’t I? Dammit, that makes five!”) then saying, “That gives me just enough time to pass out for fifty-two hours and plan our first date."

Immunology by JustGettingBy

Hypothetically speaking. Could a hybrid creature become suddenly not viable? Like say it survives being an embryo, makes it through growing up, and then just one day… stops? the text from Kon reads.

Tim’s heart spikes up through his ribs. Kon. What’s happening?

(OR Kon gets the flu. It becomes Tim's problem.)

Change of Plans by PrinceJakeFireCake

"Who’s your friend, Tim?” the voice asked.

Jason hissed. This was his baby! Not his friend!

“Sorry, sorry,” the voice hastened to apologize. “I mean, who’s your parent, Tim?”

AKA, who has the time to be a murderous crime/drug lord when there are kittens to adopt

Motion Blur by sElkieNight60

At Damian's school art showcase, Bruce realizes he needs to help Tim reframe their relationship.

[obstinatecondolement]

Re: this post about changes made to the text in some editions of Monstrous Regiment, I've just checked and the edition in my room is the 2004 Corgi paperback (I forgot I had hardback and paperback and since my first edition Doubleday hardback is downstairs somewhere, I cba going to look for it when I had another version with the original text to hand to refer to) and, yep, Mal is just "in full uniform" in the last scene, not full "female" uniform. I had vaguely remembered that maybe Mal had been wearing the bustle uniform and was uncomfortable about it, but that was a false memory.

The name Maladicta, as opposed to Mal or Maladict, and she/her pronouns are used in the narration in this scene, but I don't think that's definitively saying Mal has embraced identifying as a woman/is not trans or questioning?

Given that the narration in the scene revealing Jackrum's backstory goes from using he to she and back to he for Jackrum, this could just indicate that Polly going off her last data point, i.e. Mal saying "I'm actually Maladicta. There! I've told someone!" and talking about how the whole underwired nightgowns and bathing in virgin's blood routine, per the vampiric gender roles they were expected to abide by, was not something that was attractive and that you were taken more seriously as a male vampire. It's not "Mal is definitively a woman" it's "I am going off my most recent intel and the best guess I can extrapolate from that about what is respectful and accurately reflects this person's gender identity and how they wish to be referred to."

Similarly, in Jackrum's scene where Polly approaches him about how he joined the army, he talks about becoming a "Chosen Man" i.e. what the Borogravian armies called corporals at the time within three months, and that he'd "smiled at" the terminology with regards himself, which sounds a hell of a lot like "it was a fun coincidence that my rank and how I thought of my gender aligned like that" to me. "Chosen man" does not (again, to me) imply "ersatz man/woman assuming a male persona" nearly as strongly, if it could be said to imply that at all, and that reading feels (TO ME) like the one that should be considered a reach, as opposed the more straightforward interpretation that he chose to be a man.

Thinking about trans people's gender in that way is not necessarily how contemporary trans discourse frames things, because "born this way" and "always a [current identity]" has superceded the idea to push back against the idea that you have to earn a gender identity through transitioning. But a significant minority of trans people do feel that they chose their gender or that they were the gender they were assigned at birth at one point even though they aren't anymore, and that kind of framing would have been more common in the mainstream at the time the book was written.

Jackrum also says to Polly, cagily, that no one would believe her when she approaches him and implies that She Knows and wants to talk about it, presumably because he thinks she means to out or blackmail him, and she replies "You're right. No one would believe me. I'd believe you though" which like? That is not "I'd believe you if you said you were a woman." That's 1000% "I will believe you if you tell me that you are a man, even knowing that you are not a cisgender man. I want to know how you want me to think of you."

Which, as a sentiment, is reinforced when she clocks* her new recruits at the end as AFAB and tells them they can join as men if they want to, but it's their choice and that they are her little lads, or not as the case may be, and she will look after them (emphasis directly from the text). Which, again, that's "I will look after you whoever that is, and I don't get to tell you who you are."

Finally:

"Upon your oath, you are not a dishonest man," said Polly. "Good one, Sarge. You told people every day."

That's not definitively "I see what you did there: you thumbed your nose at them by covertly saying that you're a dishonest woman." It could also be "I see what you did there: you thumbed your nose at them by covertly asserting that your identity as a man was not a lie."

Sergeant Jackrum is not a woman, Mal's gender is not firmly canonised in any particular way, Polly Perks is not a bioessentialist, and I will not stand for this fucking libel of my Blorbos, Harper Collins!

*Like, again, there probably wouldn't be as much clocking and outing people (or, indeed, blackmailing people by threatening to out them) framed in a sympathetic light in a book published now that intended to be trans affirming, but this was written over 20 years ago, and, in terms of fantasy written by cis male authors, it is a lot more trans affirming than most of its contemporaries.

[cheeseceli]

Moving on

pairing: ex!Changbin × gn!Reader

genre: angst, small drabble

Description: you found out that Changbin has moved on, and maybe it's your time to let your love story behind

Warnings: none i think? Not proofread

Request: yes!

A/n: probably not my best work but I liked it nevertheless, hope this is what you wanted!

Pt 2

You didn't believe the news when you first saw them. You thought it was some sort of clickbait or a marketing strategy, but it was true. After looking up in every website you could find, you finally understood that Changbin was going to get married.

You were looking down the Stray Kids' instagram, seeing the photos that announced oh so happily that Changbin, the man who is used to be the love of your life, was now an engaged man. The photos were beautiful. Both looked happy. Of course they were.

You should have stopped scrolling down the social media because now you were too deep down. You saw every single picture the couple had together and, you're not one to lie, they looked cute together. You read every comment you could find congratulating the two of them. The other members were so excited with the news. Everyone was filled with joy.

Why couldn't you?

You two broke up more than three years ago, and you did so in good terms. There was no thing such as a horrible fight, or external influences like jealousy and it wasn't toxic. Actually, that relationship was the most perfect thing you could have had in your whole romantic life and Changbin was your dream man. But sadly you were not born to the wall of fame.

The relationship ended because you didn't want your faces in every gossip magazine. You wanted to have datings without being followed for paparazzi. You didn't want fans nor haters. Gosh, once the media found out you were dating one of the best rappers in the kpop industry you even gained your own fan club. Of course, Changbin and JYP crew tried to give you as much comfort and privacy as possible, but there is a certain limit to what they could've done. It wasn't enough for you. You wanted to be away from the public attention. The only possible way to have it was to be apart from your now ex boyfriend.

God knows you both tried your best. But he was made for the stage and it would be selfish of you take it away from him. But you didn't want anything related to fame, and it would be selfish of him to ask you to stay. You would break up, stay as friends and then maybe, in the future, you could try again.

Sadly, future didn't wait for you. Now he loved someone new and would soon settle down with them. You knew it's been a while but you weren't expecting to see this happen. You were not prepared.

What hurts more to see was that the new love of Changbin's life wasn't famous. You were expecting to see another idol, an actor or a model, but you met a normal person. Someone who lived a life away from the spotlights but didn't mind seeing Changbin shine. And you knew you shouldn't be comparing but you couldn't help but think: if I had endured the pressure, would we still be together?

If only you were a little bit stronger back then.

But you guys were friends. That's how you decided it would be. You talked with each other occasionally and the person he is now engaged with has even met you already. It was a healthy situation. So, you had the obligation to congratulate him even though you were dying inside.

"Hey" you texted him "I saw the news. Congratulations Binnie, you guys deserve all the happiness in the world."

Binnie: "Y/n, hey. Thank you so much!! How are you by the way? It has been a while since we last talked"

You laughed through the tears that were forming in your eyes. How were you supposed to reply? How could you just text him something like "I am heartbroken as we speak because I wish that you were marrying me instead" or "I feel horrible because I wanted to be happy for you but I can only feel sadness and even jealousy"? No, you couldn't say that.

You: "I'm fine. I certainly do not have breaking news like you lmao"

Binnie: "Haha, fair enough."

Binnie: "Also, I wanted to ask you before I lose my courage, would you like to come to the wedding?"

For a second your mind went blank. You couldn't belive he had just asked that.

Binnie: "I know that this is probably super awkward considering that we are exes, but I swear it's fine with us! Actually, my partner is the one who gave this idea. They like you a lot haha."

Binnie: "But it's okay if you don't want to."

You: "I'd love to." No you wouldn't. "Just send me the invitation and I will be there."

Binnie: "Really? That's amazing! Once everything's ready we'll send the informations to you!"

You: "I can't wait."

You don't know if he sent you any more texts. Truly, you didn't want to know. Even if you did, you wouldn't be able to read the message with your teary eyes. What the hell were you doing? Going to your ex's wedding only to see the man you still love confessing his feelings to someone who isn't you is only going to break your heart even more.

But maybe that's exactly what you needed. You needed to break your heart so much so he could get out of there, so you could move on. After all, you shouldn't spend all your years loving someone who isn't available for you, and will never be. You're still allowed to be part of his life and that should make you satisfied. You would pretend to be happy for him until those feelings became true.

And maybe, after everything, you'd be able to fall in love one more time. With someone new, someone who would make you forget the man you cannot have now.

feedbacks and reblogs are very much appreciated!

what if i make a part 2 where y/n gets to be with this someone new?

[section-chief-prentiss]

Maternity Leave (part 3/3)

Summary: You and Emily meet your daughter for the first time.

Pairing: Emily Prentiss/Reader 

Word Count: 869

TWs: pregnancy, labor, fluff, comfort, blood

Ao3

PART ONE PART TWO

Emily paced through the hospital waiting room, slowly losing her mind that she wasn’t allowed to be with you during the birth. Shortly after the doctors wheeled her wife away, Emily was visited by a nurse who reported that the placenta had detached, and surgery was the only way to ensure the safety of the woman she loved and their child.

This wasn’t their plan. Emily was supposed to hold her wife’s hand, or perch behind her back, propping her up as she pushed their daughter into the world. They were supposed to hear their daughter’s first breaths together, her first cries together, and bond with immediate skin-to-skin. That was the plan.

And none of that would happen now. 

Emily’s phone buzzed and she pulled it out to see a text from Spencer. How’s maternity leave going? 

The question made her throat tighten with unshed tears, so she left it on read and slid the phone back into her pocket. She couldn’t tell the team. Not until there was something concrete to say.

Time blurred. Emily didn’t eat, didn’t rest. She could only pace until a gentle hand was placed on her shoulder, and she spun to find Amanda, the labor and delivery nurse. 

“Everything went well,” Amanda said. “They’re both doing great. They’re being wheeled into your wife’s room. You can meet your baby while you wait for your wife, if you’d like.” 

Emily’s heart skipped a beat. The baby. The baby was here. 

“I would like that very much,” Emily said, choking back tears.

Amanda smiled and led Emily back down the hallway to her wife’s hospital room. She glanced around, grateful that they’d already changed the sheets on the hospital bed so she wouldn’t have to look at the blood. 

Shortly after, another nurse followed them in, wheeling the smallest baby Emily had ever seen in a rolling bassinet. 

She gasped, unable to take her eyes off of the tiny beauty. She was swaddled in a pink blanket, and Emily’s arms ached, desperate to hold her daughter.

“She’s okay?” Emily asked, almost afraid to touch her.

Both nurses nodded. “Perfectly healthy. 7 pounds, 2 ounces, 19 inches, born at 2:42 am.” 

“You can hold her,” Amanda added.

Emily didn’t need to be told twice. She scooped her daughter into her arms and kissed her perfect, wrinkly forehead. 

“She’s so beautiful,” Emily murmured.

“She is,” Amanda said. “Does she have a name?”

Throat tight, Emily nodded. “We were thinking Amelia. But I want to talk to Y/N before we make anything official.” 

“Of course. They should be bringing her up soon, but she’ll likely be unconscious a while longer. We’ll be back to check on you both.”

Emily smiled. “Thank you.”

Once they were finally alone, Emily sat on the end of the hospital bed, holding her daughter close.

“Hi, Amelia, I’m your momma. Your mommy will be here soon, and I know she can’t wait to meet you.” 

Emily couldn’t believe how full her heart felt—like it had grown three sizes since she’d first looked at her daughter. The only thing she needed now was her wife.

***

The first thing you felt upon waking, before even opening your eyes, was pain. 

Every muscle in your body was sore. Muscles you didn’t even know could hurt did. An action as simple as opening your eyes hurt, but it was worth it for what you saw when you did.

You wife stood over you, a pink bundle in her arms. And when your eyes met, a smile spread across her face that made your heart hurt.

“Y/N,” Emily breathed. “How do you feel?”

“Hurts,” was all you could manage. “Is she…?” you couldn’t even finish your question.

“Oh! Y/N, she is so perfect.” Emily pulled up a chair so she could sit next to you and you could see your child. 

Her eyes were closed, but her chubby cheeks and perfect little nose completely enamored you. 

“Do you still want her name to be Amelia?” Emily asked. “The nurses asked me before, but I couldn’t… I told them I needed to wait for you.” 

“I love you,” you murmured. 

“I love you,” Emily said. She stood and kissed you gently. “I was so worried.” 

“I’m okay. We’re all okay.”

“So…” Emily said, taking her seat once more and turning your daughter toward you. “Amelia?”

You nodded. “Amelia Rose Prentiss. It suits her.” 

“I agree,” Emily said with a smile. “Do you want to hold her?”

You knew what she was really asking—if you felt strong enough to hold her. 

“Will you help me?” you asked, not wanting to risk it.

You inched to the side in your bed, groaning as the soreness hit you again. Emily slid into bed next to you, Amelia steady in her arms. Carefully, she placed the baby in your waiting arms before wrapping her own arms under yours for support. 

“Hi, Amelia,” you cooed. “I love you very much. Both of your moms love you so much.”

“Nous vous aimons,” Emily said, in her french accent that you adored.

With your wife’s arms around you, and your perfect baby in your arms, you could swear you’d never been happier.

Tag List:

@yena-reyna, @propertyofemilyprentiss, @chaekhan, @obsessedwjill, @mrs-prentiss, @i-lovefandom, @tireddeadgirl, @lez-talk1, @emilyprentiss-ily

Join my tag list!

[fish-boy-ardee]

Kazui Mukuhara is Gay - Milgram Theory

Firstly, before I start 2nd Trial voice drama translations from @onigiriico https://www.tumblr.com/onigiriico/723866431247220736/kazui-audio-drama-t2-english-tl

So! Cat is out and the gay Kazui theory has very quickly become something I thought was a meme to being something I believe fully in. I wanna go through each piece of evidence and point in the theory in the most thorough manner I can. But for people who don't wanna read this long ass post.

TL;DR: Kazui's 2nd MV uses a lot of imagery that depicts him as an odd one out and shows him ripping apart a white dove, a common symbol at marriages. His voice drama implies he has been lying about himself and stopped lying which his wife to killed herself in response. His acting motif from his first video makes it appear he was acting in his marriage out of obligation for heteronormativity.

Now. The meat.

The Apples. These are a constant in Kazui's videos. In trial one we saw the green apple to represent Kazui and a red apple for his wife, with the red one shattering when she died. However what cat does is put that into perspective. Preceding the shot on the right we see Kazui's marriage and all the people who attended, drawing parallels immediately.

In half we see Kazui represented as a green apple, or sour apple. But in Cat we see that red and green disparity, painting him as an odd one out. He is different from everyone there and is trying to fit into that crowd. Every mask he puts on is an attempt to blend more into that norm and not be an odd one out in society. What do we see Kazui as in his own reflection in Cat? A sour apple, the odd one out.

"Let's Keep it Simple" Or Societal Norms One of the biggest aspects of Kazui is his relation to acting, stage magic in this video and stage acting in the first one. Both are used to imply forms of lying on his part but what those lies were about are still a bit unclear however we can assume things.

Everyone at Kazui's marriage are paired up (minus the middle guy but we will get to that). @ older people, 2 younger people on the left and then even the background characters can be made into groups of two. This is also at his wedding meaning these are the people Kazui is most likely closest to, everyone around him pairing off can push people into marriages out of pressure of those around them. Not to mention Kazui's age, being born at a time where not pairing off would be seen as odd is another push.

Additionally the line "Victim and Perpetrator" in the MV is set up to play into expectations of marriages and cheating. The man is the perpetrator of the affair the the wife is the victim stereotypical. Based on where the text is it could imply either line is talking about who the text is covering or who is shown at the time. BOTH wife and husband here are both victim and verpetrator in this scenario, both are pushed into a pressured relationship and both push the other into it.

That Damn Bar(tender) aka the long section The bar from Kazui's first video has appeared in every one of his MVs. It's a pretty pivotal location in his life since we know the MVs take from the prisoners mind directly implying locations that show up in great detail have been very relevent in the persons life. The bar could mean many things, Kazui could be a host, it could be where he finds woman to cheat with. BUT! Based on his voice drama Kazui says he never committed infidelity, and based on his emotional outburst I am inclined to believe it

So what the hell was that bar about? And if it was infidelity then who was he confessing to in this shot- what where was he drinking that type of drink again- at the bar. But if he wasn't cheating on his wife that means he got rejected? These shots are preceding by Kazui admitting to being drunk, meaning he would have a harder time putting on a mask and lying due to his state. But him getting rejected by a woman wouldn't have made him need to come clean to his wife, nor should it have caused her massive reaction to his attempt at cheating if he was honest with her.

Remember that one dramatic shot of Kazui dropping the glass? It can be assumed that was still at the bar and most likely would be following him getting rejected by whoever he was talking to.

Now, who was the ONE man at Kazui's wedding that had a ring that wasn't paired off.

The bartender. Milgram only shows facial features when needed, and avoids adding lookalikes due to this, everyone shown is important in some way. Potentially worth noting is that the Bartender appears to be at Kazui's marriage with a ring but is ringless in half (either a divorce, he was never married and the ring in cat is symbolic of Kazui's pressure or desire, or just a detail not included in half since its side character) What is 100% wort noting however, is Kazui's line of sight in half. Remember Milgram doesn't show people for no reason so why the bartender in half? The shots would have worked just as well without him there. Well, trace Kazui's sight line. Following his eyes lead the viewer to-

-the bartender.He talked to women at the bar but he went there to be close to the bartender. All of his shots have his sight line in that direction, even when the bartender is not in frame. When viewed from the audience seats following his eyes across the stage will always lead you to him.

Conclusion

I have covered that Kazui feels like the odd one out in society, that his marriage was pressured due to external forces and a heavily implied rejection from another man, so whats the point? Well if I am correct Kazui's experience mirrors a lot of my own in getting multiple girls into relationships with me in some bid to find that I was straight and just haven't found the right one. No one was just a "victim" and no one was just a "perpetrator" it was a messy situation that no one benefited from. Like the video states, the way I am "I can't be normal" in the eyes of society. If that's the the case then I have two choices. I can lie about this and keep pretending to be happy with the way things are and not rock the boat or-

-I can be honest with my feelings and tell the truth to those who got wrapped up in me figuring myself out, regardless the consequences of what others do with that information. If some how that decision was linked to that person killing themselves-

I would also find it hard to forgive myself and tell the truth again too.

[weltonreject]

thesis, novel in progress [excerpt]

Purely out of excitement of having finished my last residency and graduated with my MFA, I wanted to share the two sections of my thesis, The Shapes God Will Take, that I read to my cohort and the BWS faculty. [Word Count: 2,166]

Below is the excerpt as well as the context I provided prior to the reading.

My thesis is a story about a trans man, Clyde, who is a recently graduated botanist. He’s broke and working in a coffee shop and the local college pool as a lifeguard. His boyfriend’s name is Pace. During the span of the novel, he rediscovers Euripides’s The Bacchae, a play he read in his undergrad in the beginning of his transition.

For primer of the play: Dionysus wreaks havoc on Thebes because his demigod status isn’t being recognized, mostly because no one will believe his mother when she says that Dionysus was born a second time out of the thigh of Zeus. Cadmus is the King of Thebes; Agave is the mother of Pentheus. Terror and chaos ensues.

Important bit: There is a line in the play where Gilbert Murray [translation used in-text] has Dionysus saying that through this denial “who on my body [Cadmus] hath begun / A war with God.”

Below are two sections: when Clyde comes out to his parents and a later that responds to the strife of that section.

 - - - - -

THE SHAPES GOD WILL TAKE

It had been seven years. Clyde told his parents on Easter Sunday. His mother was sitting in her bedroom, sewing and listening to music through the television; loud and crystal clear, unlike a whining, easily spoken over, radio. Each time he remembered the scene, he tried to remember who was singing. Sometimes, it was Paul McCartney, other times it was swing music. That time it was Elton John. Philadelphia Freedom, if anyone was keeping a setlist.

When Clyde came into her room, she smiled up at him but didn’t turn the music down. He was fighting the melody, feeling as though his own speech was discordant and an interruption. He told her in a sentence: I wish I looked like a man. Then struck another chord, twisting the sleeve of his shirt so tightly, the stitches began to pop. I am a man, Mom.

His mother took her time to speak. She didn’t seem surprised—shocked in the sense that she was beside herself—but rather calculated with her rejection of the idea.

“No.” was all she offered. Clyde expected a huge clap of thunder, a bolt of lightning to strike him down where he stood in her bedroom. Instead, it was a quiet storm, barely a sun shower.

There was nowhere to argue, nothing to bite. He felt like he could tear into any rebuttal—except the one that was a lecture. One that was a kind retelling of his feelings with a stern look and one word. Every moment he’d spent building up the courage to share himself was twisted into a malicious, meticulous planning that had to be squashed by the “sensible” decision to deny his “choice.” There was no courage in the rejection, only power. Overpowering.

“Listen to us, we’ve been in this world a lot longer than you and we don’t think you understand. You think you know what you’re talking about, but you’re just different, honey. And this is not the way to be different. Don’t listen to those people at school—they’re telling you who to be, CC. You can’t do this—you’ll never be happy. Life will just be so difficult for you now. And if you keep dressing how you want—feminine as you say you like to—not even the gay community is going to want you, CC. They’ve very particular. The gay men don’t want someone with a vagina. And the lesbians won’t want a super masculine woman either. You’re just going to make yourself so upset, baby, you don’t want this. You can’t start going around introducing yourself as a boy—I can’t introduce you as my son. You know I can’t. It’s not something you really want. You’re just feeling a bit different right now. It will all straighten out soon, CC. Just trust us.”

“Okay.” was the most cutting retort Clyde had inside himself. Every part of him was numb. His eyesight seemed to pulsate with each pounding beat of his heart.

As he tried leaving his mother’s bedroom, his father entered, soon hearing the news—without hesitation—from a far crueler mouth. After being called back, his father accused him of “going off the deep end.” Immediately, and with the feeling of Clyde falling—down, farther and farther toward unturned dirt—the familial tether was cut. Clyde became singular. The truth stuck in his throat and choked him. On the anniversary of the supposed revival of Jesus, Clyde was left to fall away, almost guaranteed to be buried with a false idea and name stamped across his grave. Even death couldn’t offer him escape or rescue.

Perhaps that was where his war began: Jesus’s day of blessed return. Clyde became the next son to die. He replaced the empty grave, easily and without a word.

He never argued with his mother, never told her she was wrong. The only thing left to do was to continue on his path to meet Clyde, his future self, and leave them to hold the I told you so in their teeth.

Their warning—the fact they were hopeful in being right—was like a cancerous stone, sinking lower and lower in his stomach. A secret shadow inside him, like a hidden battlefield.

Clyde would always remember exactly where those initial lines were drawn. When he was made to fire the first shot into the sky, harming no one, but being found a threat: an action against all nature, not just his own. Looking back over the years from that first shot, he had lost ground—and was close to losing all of it if he defaulted on his rent payments.

- - - - - -

Pace joined Clyde after half an hour, pulling two blankets out of his backpack. He spread one out and sat with his legs stretched out. He invited Clyde to lie back and rest his head on his lap, pulling the other blanket over Clyde. They sat in their newly favored silence, listening to the lapping of the river against the bank and Clyde’s intermittent page turning. Agave was on her way back to Cadmus, unaware that the blood she was drenched in was once her own, had grown from her. She had been deceived to murder, and still brimming with pride. Oblivious to the guilt creeping up from the tree line, moments from lifting the dream from her eyes.

It was all too convenient that Pace began to shift under Clyde, disturbing his concentration. A chance to stop the impending terror from striking Agave, but also Clyde all over again.

“Are your legs falling asleep? We can get up and go back.”

“No! No, I’m just trying to lean back… You’ve been really still. I sort of want to see what’s going on.” Pace sank back on his elbows to try and see the pages. “Oh Jesus. ‘Tis? Thou? O? You have footnotes for this?”

“Yeah, but it’s not for that. The translations from 1900 or something. That’s how it all sounds.”

“I mean, I guess.” Pace muttered. “God, I almost said: well, that’s how Julius Caesar sounds but… Obviously that would be the dumbest thing I could’ve ever said.”

“Did you just momentarily live in a world where Shakespeare didn’t exist? The guy’s practically your co-worker. I’ve seen his section at the library.”

“Let’s move on, shall we?” Pace laughed, lifting the play from Clyde’s hands. “Let me see what I can get here.”

“I think you can get it. It’s not too bad.” Clyde folded his hands over his chest. “Except for the part where Agave is returning to the kingdom carrying the head of her son.”

“Oh, great. The best part.” Pace muttered. He slotted the book open with his thumb and pinky finger, but more in his own field of vision than Clyde’s.

“She doesn’t know it yet though; she's still talking to Cadmus. Top of page seventy-four. Give it a shot.”

“Out loud?”

“Sure, if you want. I’ll be your footnotes.”

Pace began to hesitantly read, changing voices as he went and discovering the personality of Cadmus and Agave with each line. At first Cadmus was blindly stern: “Alas, if ever ye can know again / The truth of what ye did, what pain of pain / That truth shall bring! Or were it best to wait / Darkened for evermore, and deem your state / Not misery, though ye know no happiness?”

And Agave soft but confident: “What seest thou here to chide, or not to bless?”

Then Cadmus spoke with a booming command: “Raise me thine eyes to yon blue dome of air!”

Clyde’s view of the sky was interrupted by trees, the clear blue almost washed out by a thin whisp of clouds. Clyde could almost taste the winter sun. The breeze let up for a moment to let it all seem, for a moment, brighter and warmer. He inhaled deeply, lifting his folded hands up with his rising chest.

After a short debris-clearing of early 20th century English, Pace continued, “Look once upon it full, till all be clear!” and in a snap, he was back to Agave. Her softness gone. “I see . . . most deadly pain! Oh, woe is me!”

Most deadly pain Clyde knew wasn’t physical, but an intangible twisting of a knife he could never find. He used to think it was a splintered rib or something just as permanent and irreversible. Something innate and full of fault. Suffering could have intellect, though, could have patience. Could lie dormant in the body like a virus, waiting to be jumpstarted to begin disrupting and deconstructing the body from the inside out. Worst of all, the most deadly pain didn’t have to be deadly at all. You could live.

Pace read on, Agave begging to know who killed her son—not thinking she could have done it herself. Clyde’s favorite line—memorized from his first, more modern translation—passed without much hurt: “Blood-drenched ere thou wouldst know him! Aye, 'tis his.” Of course, they would know Pentheus, dismembered or in disguise or some combination therein. How could she not? Wasn’t a mother’s love the holiest, the strongest force the Heavens and Earth had in their grasp? Wasn’t that the core of Dionysus’s rage and purpose: his own mother’s love had been disrespected and ridiculed as tainted and untrue. A second birth was not possible; his father not a powerful God and him just a mortal bastard.

Clyde had never thought of Dionysus’s revenge to be so one-to-one.

Except here, in this story, the mother cried out in agony how badly she wanted to see the body of the son she loved. Her love attempting to prevail. Her love failing to provide Pentheus with life—as it once had at birth—but persisting, nonetheless.

Pace kept reading, but Clyde had stopped being able to listen. A parent inflicting mortal injury without seeing the victim, their child, for who they are—were—haunted and reverberated within Clyde. He had become something faceless to his parents, a wide-eyed creature living only in static memories. Able to be killed through lack of recognition.

Except it was Clyde that kept brandishing the blade. He felt and was reminded of the most deadly pain and thought it could only be a mimicry of their blindness, their desire to slay the king. But he was the one who made sense of it, who continued their desire to hurt him in a way that thought it could make sense to the senseless. It was a cyclical rage he felt every time he was addressed by a name other than his own. It was shame that he, himself, kept alive, trapped until two separate funerals, decades in his future.

Clyde felt an impossible fury and sadness engulf him. He was still looking up at the graying sky, just as Agave did, but wasn’t ready to see the internal carnage he had done. His war with God hadn’t ended, but maybe it didn’t have to be so violent. He could rage, quietly and sternly, against the ways his parents—and their world—wanted him to be. The war would never end—he had started something he couldn’t finish—but that was because neither side was going to die.

He would never come apart at the seams, never disjoint into purer, primitive pieces. He would always belong to the same body and soul. That was non-negotiable. No matter how many doctors had touched it, it was still his body. Whole and complete. Born under one name, living and growing under another. It wasn’t murder, there had been no death; it was a second birth. Not from a woman, but from a separate deliberation and agony. A birth from a previous self, lifted high above before dropping back down into life, directly in the reach of his eager hands. The chance to see with exceptional clarity and ecstasy. The chance to be alive longer than the name that haunted him—that twisted up in a shadow not behind, but inside of him.

He had swallowed it long ago and could never regurgitate it. There were other men like Clyde that had swallowed the same ache. Living men that held that darkness at their cores like a celestial balance, rather than a concrete doom. The blackness, the shame, was only one spec—a nameable offense—but it was no longer able to outsmart the joy buried just as deeply in Clyde.

Everything was unearthed, risen from a funeral he didn’t know he was preparing for. It was pointless to prepare a body for a grave undug.

Clyde closed his eyes. He couldn’t look at the sky any longer. He knew what he’d been doing, beyond the scars and the fear. He closed his eyes and listened to the shuffling of the grass, to the wind, to Pace’s voice. To the life created in the pause of his shame and guilt. The happiness that had outsmarted the loitering suffering, the trenches of a raging war.

[lets-talk-spirituality]

Let’s Talk About: Tattoos, Body Modifications & Spitiuality

Similar to how changing your name or phone number can impact the numerology of your life, alterations to your physical form can impact your soul and spirituality. We’re gonna touch on tattoos, piercings, cosmetic surgery, gender modification, and even hair dying. Let’s begin!

Tattoos

Tattoos, specifically permanent ink tattoos, are extremely popular in modern times and have been used throughout human history as a way to outwardly show authority, respect, power, strength and more. I actually took a class in college on text technologies and we looked at tattoos as a text. Anyway, the choice to get a tattoo is personal for everyone, but I personally take this extremely seriously because tattoos and their meanings can impact your energy.

For example, I was really depressed and I loved the idea of getting a tattoo of the word “bleak” because that’s how I felt. As cool and edgy as I thought it would look, I couldn’t bring myself to get it permanently inscribed on my skin because I didn’t want to continue to feel bleak and I feel very strongly getting a word like that put on my skin would attract that energy to me. To represent my depression, I instead got the phrase “this too shall pass” tattooed, ironically during the pandemic. And to me, it reminds me that everything is temporary and survivable. When I get depressed I will become happy again at some point and when I’m happy I will become sad again. That’s life.

There is also a new thing with tattooing you can do where they mix the ashes of a loved one with the ink and tattoo you with that. Personally, this freaks me out. As I explained before, our souls connect with our body and that is partially why when people get organ transplants they may pick up hobbies or skills of the donor. The concept of embodying someone’s ashes as a way to commemorate them just makes me feel like you are absorbing someone’s essence permanently and not only does that keep some of the energy of that person embodied through you, but it also means you are attracting things tied to the energy of that person. To each their own, but when I read about this trend, I was fucking horrified.

Overall, tattoos can actually help you express your true essence and if done authentically, it can be a way to strengthen your soul/body connection by making your outside look more similar to how you feel inside.

Piercings

Like tattoos, I believe thought should be given to where piercings are placed because they can impact energetic flow. Metal is an energetic conductor right? This is why people can become super attached to certain jewelry pieces, because they hold a lot of energy in the metal. I’ll share more about essence charging in another post. Overall, piercings can help you express yourself and make you feel more like yourself and there isn’t really a downside, as long as it feels right to you.

Cosmetic Surgery

Cosmetic surgery has become more and more popular, with fillers and Botox nearly common procedures at this point. This concept is complex to me because on the one hand, I believe we were created beautifully, each and every one of us, and ideally we would come to full acceptance of ourselves as we are. But on the other hand, I’m aware of the way societal influences can impact self image. I deeply struggle with my body image and feel at times I struggle with low grade Body Dysmorphia. Sadly, I think so much plastic surgery is done out of a place of self rejection, but I also understand there are things that feel unacceptable. I think cosmetic surgery can allow someone to feel more like themselves and ultimately, we were born in a time period where this is an option for a reason.

I also think we need to understand that for many, the body is a map of trauma. Personally, in high school, I gained a lot of weight because I had untreated depression and was living through a very toxic home environment on top of being in a really demanding academic and artistic environment. I’ve lost the weight, but when I see my loose skin, my stretch marks, it pains me because it reminds me how I hurt myself, it reminds me of why I gained that weight to begin with. There’s a part of me that feels like I ruined my body, and I’m extremely self conscious about how I look. I have some small scars from self harm that I’ve covered up with a tattoo. For some, having excess skin removed allows them to see themselves more clearly instead of constantly be confronted with a body that still indicates a past self that they no longer identify with.

The only thing I will say is before you make a decision, really sit with this, as many people for example have had breast implants and fillers removed because they felt they were impacting their body. I do think that some of these implants can effect how energy flows through the body. Other procedures such as removing skin or fat I think are a little different because you aren’t putting something foreign into your body, but removing what you don’t need. In many ways, that can be very freeing.

Gender Modification

I think this follows along the lines of cosmetic surgery for me. On the one hand you could argue that we were all born with the bodies we were meant to have, but I think for people experiencing gender dysphoria or even just people who fall outside of the binary, gender modification can be very freeing and help them connect more deeply with who they feel they are. Ultimately, coming to a place of self acceptance is the most important thing.

Hair dye

It’s a collective cliche that a woman cuts her hair after a breakup for a reason. Cutting or coloring your hair can be an amazing way to shift your energy because you get to see yourself differently immediately. This to me, isn’t as serious, because it’s not permanent. I think hair changes can be very empowering for embracing a new version of yourself you are becoming.

Quick note on balding and hair plugs, I would consider these pretty significant body modifications in terms of how much it effects appearance, but ultimately, I think this can really impact someone’s confidence because it’s something that everyone can see. It’s sort of the same with cosmetic dental procedures. I don’t think there are really any negative energetic impacts with either of these procedures, but they can be significantly freeing for the people who struggle with these issues. They begin to smile again and move through the world differently.

Other body modifications

I had a friend who growing up had his legs surgically broken so that he could be taller. This is an example of other body modifications. I find this one to be pretty extreme and was part of his mother trying to force him to uphold a certain version of masculinity. I’m all for people taking control of their bodies to feel more confident, but ideally you want to be making these decisions from an empowered place, not from a place of pain or upholding old ways of being.

Some people also engage in intentional scarring or burning rituals. I know some African-American frats get branded (I know because I’ve seen the brand on some Omega coworkers I used to work with) and it’s really symbolic. It’s also very intense and pretty bad ass. For them, I think it’s tied a lot to reclaiming blackness from the past of American slavery where slaves were branded and it’s also something that bonds them together.

In conclusion

Ultimately body modification can lead to increased self acceptance and can be a form of healing. For example, some breast cancer survivors will get gorgeous tattoos over where they had a breast removed and I think, like in my self harm case, this can be a way to heal and change the narrative our body is showing to us and the world.

In an ideal world, we would all feel we could embrace our bodies as they are, but that can be extremely challenging and many find more peace and joy after making a change. I only caution that people take these changes seriously because while certain procedures may not impact how your energy flows, the change in appearance can change how you feel about yourself and show up in the world. Which in turn, effects what and who you attract. It can shift things drastically! Happy modifying.

[tellingittash]

Religious Studies Term Of The Day: Kali

Hey everyone! Sorry for the hiatus. It wasn’t because I was enjoying my vacation and neglecting my duties for the holidays. It’s because I was incredibly sick and social media was the furthest thing from my mind. With that in mind, let’s talk about the goddess Kali!

So, we recently talked about Durga, who was born out of the energy of eight male gods to be a warrior goddess. Well, Kali is one of the gods she then creates from herself. It could even be said that Kali is all of Durga’s bloodthirsty fierceness personified.

While I’m aware that in the internet age, Kali represents female empowerment, which is dope, I agree with Leona M. Anderson’s claim that this was not her original purpose and how she is traditionally seen, even though I love to examine how ideas evolve and are reinterpreted over time. Reading about Kali is so strange and fascinating in a way that feels like I’m in an English class again reading poetry. Every aspect of Kali has poetic purpose to it, from her long tongue to her dark skin to her nakedness and even her long hair and jewelry of death. All of it culminates together into one message that defines her existence: Kali is the mother of human life in the sense that she represents the inevitability of decay and death, that we are born in her innocence and break apart in the cremation fields she calls her home.

Her worshippers, fun fact, sacrifice animals to her because they believe that her female energy is responsibly for holding together our decaying universe and blood is necessary to revitalize her.

Her worshippers would probably also agree with the idea that Kali is complicated. While it is easy to say that she is always malevolent, that’s not necessarily true. There are poems that acknowledge that about her while also remembering why they love her and see her as mother. That’s why I have not even given super detailed explanations about everything in her description and motives because to do so would be to discount the complexity of this figure in totality. I would just encourage people to find some of the poetry and texts written about Kali and see the beautiful prose about what we might consider a terrifying monster of a woman.

As a small example of what I mean, consider how Savitri L. Bess writes about Kali. Specifically, she believes that the goddess Kali walks among us today in the form of a woman named Mata Amritanandamayi, also known as Amma or Ammachi. She is a Guru not known for killing people or dancing around naked and scary looking, but is a woman known throughout the world as one who encourages people of all faiths and classes to love one another with hugs and kisses. That woman is supposedly Kali, the supposedly bloodthirsty goddess of killing and death. Which blows my mind. I studied Amma in my Religions of Asia class and we never even mentioned Kali, and so to discover that in some extra reading and research that wasn’t even about Amma specifically was wild. Truly wild.

Anyway, I’ve rambled long enough in my first post back. I think that this topic is super interesting, but I’m happy to hear other takes and thoughts on Kali as well. For now, I wish everyone a happy holiday season and hope you stay safe.

[crowned-ladybug]

1, 6 (ik you do but I'm very curious on the process), 9, and 21 for the writers asks! ♡

As typical it's taking me ages to actually get to these I'm sorry!!!! Thank you for the ask tho anyway <3

1) Who is your favorite character to write for and is this the character you find easiest to write for?

With all the characters over the years this is a tough one to pick out but proooobably Benrey still. He's got very fun internal monologue in my hands and you can fuck around a Lot writing him, and that does in fact also make him Easy. He's always come pretty naturally to me which explains a thing or two about my HLVRAI fics i'd say sbhdcbhdcbs

(Recent honorable mention to Sam bc he's also been proving surprisingly fun and then Dima destroyed me by saying his POV is the closest to how i talk on discord out of all the characters they've read me write so far)

6) Do you outline your fics? If so, how?

I start with the notepad app and trying to do a relatively basic lineup of just what scenes are gonna happen, so that I can have the pacing and order of things down. I hardly ever go in with a full lineup of scenes/plot already laid out in my brain, so this is where the fic is first actually born

This works half the time, giving me about a sentence for a whole scene, and then other times i end up outlining an entire scene on the spot

Then comes copying the thing over into an actual document that isn't fuckin exhausting to look at and thus the second pass of rounding out the scenes I haven't accidentally outlined well enough already

My outlines have been getting more detailed lately, so here's to believing in ghosts in specific had a Lot of bits near the end where i was just copying notes over almost word for word bc i had entire paragraphs laid out already. Other times stuff gets left at "and then they talk about [topic]" level of detail until i get to it and have to suffer

A lot of fleshing out also happens on the fly while I'm writing a completely different scene or not writing at all and then have to tab back over to the outline and add like two sentences that i cannot allow myself to forget

It's hard to pick a good example without drowning this post but this was the outline for the first scene of poison in the ashes, for comparison's sake

(I very rarely use any dialogue tags at all when outlining unless they're Significant already. I either just know who's talking anyway or if there could be any doubt, I use a chat format instead)

9) Do you visualize scenes in your head before you write them? (Can you picture the setting, character body language etc)

YES

I am a Very visual person so a Lot of the times I'm trying to put entire movie scenes onto paper and even when that's not so painfully the case, I always have the visual counterpart in my brain. Things are always pictured. Hanging onto very Very specific line deliveries which i cannot convey in text is what's less often tho, and thus sadder to forever only be in my brain, unable to hand to anyone

(I've gotten compliments on specific scenes feeling movie-like before and every time it's such huge thing to hear, that the image not only got onto the paper but also into someone else's head)

21) Writers choice - pick any of these questions that you want to answer.

14) What is something you wrote in a fic that you are hoping readers picked up on but you don't know if they did? And/or, what is something that you were excited that readers did pick up on?

There's always stuff and hardly any confirmation one way or another, however very specific example from recently: the way the first collapse scene in poison in the ashes is arranged was very much a callback to the concussion scene in and what comes tomorrow that I never expected to be picked up on and then Dima screamed at me about it so much :D

Also from poison in the ashes: when in one scene they talk about bad tea, and Rafe tells Sam to just tell him to make some next time, and then the next day Rafe is in fact the one making the tea while Sam loiters. Very on purpose. Of all the things Sam has to fill Rafe in on every morning he's decided to include the tea

[artificialqueens]

Devoted: Dandelion (Katlaska) - Kamylove

Summary: A backstage visit and a nosy newbie.

A/N: Another entry in my collection of Katlaska one-shot ficlets. As if anybody but me is still interested in Katlaska!

It's only Ru girls they know well in the dressing room, so when Alaska finally gets there she feels comfortable giving Katya a sweet kiss, chaste but long. 

A few of the girls whistle, so Alaska grabs Katya's ass, too, before pulling away. 

"Now I have to fix my lipstick again, you bitch," Katya says with a wink and flounces over to the mirrors.

There's a roar of applause and screams behind the closed door. Alaska quickly calculates who's missing: the winner of the most recent season, who's very young and still a bit of a fangirl and a little too interested in Katya and Alaska's relationship. 

("Every damn day," Katya had said on the phone, at the beginning of the tour. "She asked me how often we have phone sex this morning. Which I would be thrilled to talk about if I was fucking anybody on the planet except for you." "Because you looooove me," Alaska had teased, making Katya huff and hang up on her. Alaska immediately called her back and said, "So. Phone sex?" and Katya did not hang up on that.)

Katya cackles at her in the mirror, knowing exactly what Alaska's thinking.

"Fuck off," Alaska tells her, just as the door opens.

"Ohmigod, Alaska! I didn’t know you were coming! Are you here to see Katya? Is this a booty call?"

Alaska dodges both questions while air kissing the poor girl, who calls herself Dandie Lyon and has the atomic yellow hair to match. "I'm here to see you and only you, gurl," Alaska tells her.

"I told her to leave you alone, bitch," Manila says under her breath, to Alaska. But Alaska thinks it's sweet. The youngest girls met them all on TV screens long before they met in person, sometimes before puberty. She doesn’t mind being someone’s childhood hero, though she does find the obsession with her private life awkward.

"That's so nice to say! You're so nice! I always heard you were a bitch, but you're so nice!" 

Alaska laughs. "Don't believe everything you read online, honey."

"I love your coat," Dandie says. "And that t-shirt! Are you growing out your hair? It's so cute! How was Berlin?" 

"Berlin was greaaaat," Alaska says, turning on the vocal fry. "How's the tour treating you?"

That gets Dandie going, and gets Alaska and Katya out of the limelight. The tour is so much fun! She's hardly sleeping! There's free dick everywhere! The fans have given her so many gifts! The other girls ("you older girls," she says) have been so helpful and have leant her makeup and clothes and wigs and lube! ("I let her wear that trashy red wig of yours," Katya had texted, "and I don't know what the hell she did with it, but I might have to send it off to its inevitable end in the bin. Just thought you should be the first to know.")

Alaska loves these kids; they know more about fashion and social media than performance, but they're curious and passionate and hopeful, and all that is tough to keep up with the cynicism borne of years on the road. But she's not paying full attention to Dandie, thanks to Katya. Katya's now sitting in a director's chair and licking her scarlet red lips, and she yanks one bare leg straight up so she can pat what should be a tuck, but very much is not. Alaska feels it in her sphincter and her eyes go wide.

"You are such a fucking whore," Detox says, laughing, to Katya. 

"I am going to fucking kill you," Alaska says.

Katya straightens herself out in a split second and poses with her legs demurely crossed, just in time for Dandie to turn around.

"What happened?" she asks. "What did you do?" But she doesn't know who "you" is, so she just looks wildly at all of them.

"Monet's a whore," Katya says. 

Everyone else agrees, laughing and teasing, and Alaska's heart is warmed by how much they all care about her and Katya, enough to protect their privacy even when Katya's making that virtually impossible.

"Someday," Katya pronounces, "the world will know all the secrets of my wiener. But today is not that day, because today is night, and my wiener is worn out from flapping useless but tumescent in the wind."

Dandie turns to Alaska and asks, "Is she like this in bed? Like, do you even understand her?"

Alaska's eyebrows go up. Katya rescues her by saying, "Wouldn't you love to know, my young apprentice?"

"I mean, I'm totally open to that." Dandie's joking, but at the same time it's not quite a joke. "If you're looking for--"

"Ain't nobody looking for that," Kennedy says from the mirrors. She doesn't even turn around. "You better keep that in your pants until you find a sweet young thing to lick it, and you are not going to find that sweet young thing in this room."

"I'm sweet and very, very young," Katya says.

"You're bitter and decrepit," Monet says.

"Has Katya had plastic surgery?" Dandie asks Alaska.

Katya waggles her eyebrows, daring Alaska to answer.

"Are tattoos plastic surgery?" Alaska says. "Because those are definitely botched."

"Not the snake one!" Katya says, pointing to the snake around her ankle that she got before they were even together--it has nothing to do with Alaska. But she leers at Alaska as she says it, because what nobody knows is that Katya's got another snake, a sweet little coiled snake, in a place not even Katya can see without some advanced gymnastics.

"Was that eye sex?" Dandie asks. "I think that was eye sex. Guys, was that eye sex?"

"Whatever goes on in somebody's own brain is none of our business," Manila says. 

The club manager pokes her head in. "Katya, you're up next. Oh, hi, Alaska, nice to see you!" And she disappears again.

Monet and Manila steer Dandie away, to give Katya and Alaska a chance to exit gracefully. 

"I'm going to go watch from the floor," Alaska says. She gives their friends a grateful smile and follows Katya out to the dark corridor, where they can have a private moment.

Katya kisses her, licking Alaska's lips and nose and chin.

Alaska laughs and gives Katya's semi-hard dick a squeeze through her skirt. "I knew it," she says. 

"Your very presence has me at half mast, Ms. Thunderfuck. Now go think about what orders you want to give me later."

Alaska smirks and squeezes again before Katya hurries off.

[buckys-metal-arm]

Alright, look. Because of the truly exorbitant amount of Bucky/Sebastian Stan content I put on this blog I'm gonna make one post re: the most recent controversy because I feel it important to do so. Just bc I like him and the character he plays in the MCU does NOT mean I think he's immune to criticism. That said, reblogs and replies are turned off because I'm saying my one piece on the matter and have been having a string of real, genuine good days recently which even on meds doesn't happen often and I don't owe a single one of you on either side of this my mental health over a subject matter I really just don't want in my head any longer than it needs to be in there tbh

Also I'm doing this in bullet points bc that makes sense in my head and also am on mobile so can't put a read more on here so I'm sorry in advance for the wall of text. Without any further ado, let's unpack this.

Full disclosure: I am a 23 year old individual who did watch the series not knowing until after that it was made without Pamela's consent, only watched it bc Seb was in it, and was only tangentially aware of who the titular characters were (like I knew Baywatch and Motley Crüe and had heard Pamela's name before but like I knew nothing about any of it). I was born like 2 years after everything with the tape in question went down and really knew nothing about the situation with it. Thats not me trying to defend anything, I'm just laying everything out ahead of what I'm about to say.

So like most people at this point I read his insta post and I personally, GENUINELY think he did write it with the best of intentions. I don't think he was trying to be outwardly malicious or drag Pamela into it or invite harassment of her or anyone tbh. And like, dude got nominated for an Emmy, odds are he probably wrote it the midst of or coming off of a lot of excitement and probably wasn't thinking clearly. God knows I wouldn't be if I was in that situation

HOWEVER

This is NOT me excusing it as "well we all say dumb shit sometimes". Because that would be bad imo. Actors are not infallible or immune to criticism just because I like them imo. I'm currently going through a similar thing with my feelings on John Mulaney but that's a rant for another day and another blog.

Like I said, I don't think his intentions were anything other than good, and that he was trying to be genuine

That said I am a firm believer in the idea the Road to Hell is paved with good intentions, and that when you are a part of that you do need to own up to it.

His tagging Pamela (and Tommy for that matter, but for different reasons) was definitely a bad move, and the post overall read as extremely tone deaf. Like. Royally so.

And I definitely think the response to it, while a little harsh in some cases, isn't undeserved. What he said was a bad take and really poorly worded, and he needs to be called out

And I do hope he addresses it and apologizes in a meaningful way and does some introspection. But also I know there is a crowd that no matter what he does they'll say it's not good enough because there always is.

And that's NOT me saying every time a celebrity apologizes and people say it's not good enough it's undeserved (if I had a nickel for every Notes App Apology™️ one has made that was DEFINITELY not enough I could pay off my student loans)

And it's a valid take, people can do what they want. I don't expect to sway anybody.

But also I dunno. I don't think he's exempt or immune from criticism because he's famous or my celebrity crush or anything like that and I do think he needs to be held accountable for what he said and needs to address the backlash

But also he is a human being and human beings fuck up sometimes.

Both of these things can be true and not cancel out the other imo.

I do think the 'if you still support him you support abusers and seb needs to be blacklisted in Hollywood' takes are a little fuckin much honestly

But also the fans who are just sweeping this under the rug and dismissing it as 'everyone hating for no reason' also need to take a long hard look at it because what he said is kinda messed up seeing as he was talking about consent and exploitation whilst profiting off of a show made without consent about a victim of exploitation is Not Great

And like. You can like someone and acknowledge that they did a shit thing. These 2 things can coexist.

But also this isn't me trying to be some faux intellectual claiming moral superiority because I'm in the gray area or anything

I'm a Literally a 23 year old barely out of college person on the internet with limited life experience who likes the MCU and majored in theatre, I'm not going to pretend I'm some final authority or expert on this

I'm just one (1) person saying I see both sides but also maybe both sides need to calm down a bit

I know I'm just a drop in the ocean of discourse and I'm fine with that

Basically tl;dr: I think what Sebastian said and that he tagged Pamela was messed up and Hope he apologizes in a meaningful way but also know that means different things to different people, I am the farthest thing from an authority figure on the situation and just decided I wanted to say at least something based on the content of my blog.

I'm never sure how to end of of these but this is the end