#but i felt so completely isolated from everyone else at my school bc ppl were so nasty to me

[mausolealdrift]

its baffling seeing people on here being all shocked about how other ppl didnt have sex or do drugs or drink or go to parties etc etc in high schools like. sorry i was too busy getting bullied to do all of that stuff i guess. why are you surprised that there’s losers on the cringe loser website

[strawberryseeded]

thinking abt bllk (no surprise there) and how (at least until now) all (well, most of?) the characters backstories aka basically the reason for their most prominent issues are, instead of extremely tragic and complex events, simply children's logic applied to recurrent situations in their daily lives (and especially the sport they love):

bachira feels lonely: bachira was a weird and lonely kid who was also extremely passionate abt (and talented in) football, more than any other kid, making bachira feel isolated even when he was playing with others. this got even worse when the kids he played with started to resent him, calling him a "monster" and bullying him. while talking with his mom, she told him to keep believing in his inner voice and ignore those who dont understand him, resulting in bachira giving that voice the form of a "monster" that can play football with him to feel less lonely. which, obviously, made him even more lonely, even if it was an imaginary friend created to aliviate that feeling. because bachira still felt lonely, even after many years and even after playing with other people in school who werent any fun for him, he kept the monster by his side. believing no one could ever beat this monster (thank GODNESS he did 🎉!!! HE is the monster no one can beat!!!! his arc is one of my favs hes literally unstoppable now, i love him dude i love h)

isagi holds himself back too much: isagi (i read the light novel abt him hehe) was a timid and mild mannered kid until he discovered football, which he fell in love with. while playing the sport he could let go of his shyness and actually be selfish and go all out. uuuntil... he entered his high school's reputable football club, where the motto was to play as a team above everything else (a very anti-blue lock logic lol). isagi then, in an effort to accomodate to the social norms of the club (bc hes isagi, and off the field hes calmer and timider), had to simmer down in the field as well. supress himself. at times it seems like his on and off switch is kind of stuck.

barou has main character syndrome: barou was a very, on top of talented, meticulous kid and therefore the best in football out of every other kid he knew, who didnt take it as seriously and were more than happy to let him score all the goals. he didnt understand why they were satisfied with letting other people take all the glory, so he secluded himself, convinced that he was the only player that actually mattered on the field. the best. the Main Character. everyone else was completely worthless, their only use being to serve HIM. (until he got his ass kicked by isagi and became the villan instead of the main character, bc oh, shit, barou's not actually the main character???? then he'll hunt down & DESTROY the main character).

rin (god, rin) has a brother complex (i used to hate when ppl oversimplify whats wrong w him w this term but tbh it does boil down to this lol ToT): rin idolized his older brother like crazy and wanted to be just like him. bc he was also blessed with talent and also had a great relationship w sae, he had everything he needed to fulfill his dream of being the 2nd best striker, the 1st obviously being his older brother, who rin viewed as the best, most talented player in the world. when sae comes back from spain and tells him 'the world is big and im not actually the best, you go and be the best striker by yourself' (basically: our (your) dream is over), rin has a fucking breakdown. its not really a tragic, despair-inducing event, objectively speaking. but in the manga its framed as such bc for rin, in his childish logic, it is. bc his brother IS the BEST player, what the fuck do you mean hes not number 1 outside of japan?? ....then what about rin? if his brother cant be the best, rin cant be the 2nd best either, let alone the best. he feels like sae ruined everything, gave up, broke their (rin's) dream!!!! after sae humilliates him, rin directs all of his frustrations at him and bows to defeat him. as long as rin sees himself as sae's little brother, he's never gonna be able to surpass him, bc in rin's mind, sae is still the best, his talented big brother.

ness believes kaiser, not him, is the magician: ness's case is more serious bc his family was (is?) emotionally abusive towards him. basically, like every other kid, ness believed in magic. the concept of magic is exciting for children and gives them, in the form of play, the opportunity to express their creativity and exercise their imagination; work out a way to make the impossible come true. bc this is so important for their development, usually its the parents role to, at least to a certain degree, keep alive the belief that magic is real. ness's parents, on the contrary, shut down this belief bc it didnt match with their own views. they saw his interests as a waste of time, even letting his sibilings bully him and treat him badly to make him give up on them. ness, however, didnt, and instead found a more socially acceptable way to 'do magic' and express his creativity: football. he feared greatly, however, that football would be taken away from him, so in that faithful match in which he met kaiser he decided to put all of his trust and hard work on him, bc ness believed kaiser was the person who would be able to make the impossible, the magic that ness wanted to create, happen. i think the key to unlock his full potential is stop relying on kaiser so much and start believing in his own magic (kind of like what happened in hiori's arc). we have yet to know kaiser's backstory but i have a feeling those two enable each other's worst traits...

ETC !!!! sorry i got tired of writing lol

anyways these r just my interpretations of the characters feel free 2 b like "was is she ON about"

[reversecreek]

clicks onto the dash wearing kitten heels n coyly holding my bang....... hi. me again. it took me so long to select a gif to use on cricket’s intro n i settled on this one bc he looks so unsure abt his smile n it’s rly his essence <3 u can find his pinterest board here n his (work in progress) spotify playlist here. hmu to plot!!! 

* alex wolff, cis male + he/him | you know cricket donahue, right? they’re twenty-two, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, all of their life, on and off? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to should have known better by sufjan stevens like, a million times this year, which slipping on wet leaves to photograph a tree struck alight by lightning, delivering a tedtalk to your own reflection to hype yourself up to buy groceries, hiding your hands inside of your sleeves in case you grew an impromptu megan fox thumb overnight thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is october 1st, so they’re a libra, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( nai, 24, gmt, she/her )

HISTORY:

cricket ws born to a couple tht lived in lilac ridge. their trailer was tucked closest to the woods n always fell under the shade. it was like the leaves wanted to pretend they were a perpetual hanging cloud on the family n that was kind of fitting. their only reason fr having him in the first place was a kind of shrugged like........... we’re under the income bracket we’d get child benefits so why not! may as well try it to rake in some extra cash! needless to say they didn’t rly think it thru or anticipate all of the responsibilities tht came w children n wound up seeing him as an extremely large burden n boy didn’t he know it!

(child neglect & abuse tw) i’ll try to keep this part vague n brief but things were Not Good for cricket growing up. people in lilac ridge didn’t like his parents n it was for a gd reason. he remembers foggy things. being little n wandering around combing the grass with a stick to search for wrappers to suck on bc he was hungry. feeling uneasy when the front door opened. finding out his name was cricket bc the insects used to crawl into their trailer thru the vents n his parents liked to squish them into the carpet -- his mum told him as much once. i think this says a lot. to excessively trim the fat of the story he wound up entering the system at around 8 after his latest and most serious hospital visit. his parents hd to deal w the authorities n last he heard they bounced to evade charges.

(anxiety & violence & trauma tw) cricket sustained a few lifelong injuries from his time in lilac ridge. his knee didn’t heal right which meant he had (n still has to this day) a limp n he’s partially deaf in one ear. he’s always been an incredibly insecure n anxious person so this mde him rly self conscious going into a strange n new environment tht wld b difficult fr any kid to adjust to, nvm w these added worries. he jst felt like something weird to ogle at honestly. he probably wld have felt like that no matter where he was or what he looked like. he cld be in a huge hall of 200 people all wearing the same uniform n he’d still feel like the odd one out. needless to say this didn’t rly help him make friends

cricket’s coping mechanisms were romanticising the things tht other people found ugly or embarrassing or painfully ordinary. he liked it when the rain hit clunky drops against school windows n forbid everyone from playing outside bc he could feel the vibrations through the rubber soles of his shoes n it was a little bit like hearing all of the world at once fr just a moment. he liked medieval fantasy lore about stout gnomes w crumbs in their beards n cheeks red from ale. he liked fallen nests with the remnants of hatched eggs still dirty from the branches n soil they’d hit on the way down. he liked the way the sunlight leaked thru the leaves of the trees in the woods and how, when he sat very still, he could tune into the ringing that was always in his ear n pretend it was coming from the same place, that light thru the leaves, that the angels were trying to talk to him.

he spent a lot of time in the red room at his high skl (i’m begging u this is not a 50 shades reference) (after googling i jst realised it’s called a darkroom bt i’m leaving this fr the sake of sexy bimbo authenticity) n felt quite at home in there. he borrowed a camera whenever he cld (maybe he did yearbook) n photography became his way of immortalising the world as the romanticised version he wanted it to be. his memories were bad bt his photos were beautiful. maybe if he took enough they’d paste over n bleed into each other. maybe bad cld be replaced w beautiful if he tried his very best.

he got placed into fostering w a family once bt apparently didn’t meet the vibe check of their tastes so he wound up returning to the group home he’d initially been placed in. overall this is where he grew up n he aged out the system rather than getting adopted. there was a sense of floundering/isolation/not feeling gd enough in tht bt cricket made do the best he knew how. 

that said there were some gd points! (shocking i kno bc his life hs been so fking bleak so far bt please it’s ok........) (is it?) (🤔). basically he interned as an assistant at this local photography studio during high skl working under this kind of whimsical yet endearing old man. suspected wizard possibly in cricket’s eyes, as an avid fantasy genre reader. for one of his bdays said old man / his boss bought him his very own film camera n cricket cried bc he’d never been bought a bday gift. this ws rly embarrassing bc this old man didn’t know how to emote n neither did cricket so he ws jst sort of sat wiping his eyes n sniffling saying he wasn’t crying as the old man pretended to suddenly clean his lenses. when cricket graduated he offered him a full time position there. they do like. wedding photographs n family portraits n all kinds of things...... pay isn’t huge bt it’s something n he Loves taking photos so it’s sexy <3

PERSONALITY:

SUCH an anxious person it’s actually unreal. overthinks absolutely everything he’s ever said. one morning he might hv put green socks on n for the rest of the day he’s nervously looking around like omggggggg they’re all looking at my socks probably thinking im a little green sock boy thinking i’m a fool n a jester this is all everyone’s probably thinking about i hv to hide my green socks..... even tho literally no-one cares

once saw a girl eating a chicken wing n in his head was like ok she likes chicken good future gift idea..... n turned up at her house with an entire rotisserie chicken

probably thinks WAY too hard abt what to write in bday cards n googles like generic ideas that he can use.... u open a card from cricket n it always says smthn weird like “Warmest wishes and love on your birthday and always!” or “You deserve everything happy. Wishing you that all year long!” tht he got off google

nervously fiddles w things a lot. literally anything. his hair. the cuffs of his sleeves. a thread on his bag. u name it

struggles w eye contact sometimes............ it’s like. he wants to talk to ppl n make friends bt he’s honestly so bad at it. he’s fumbling thru life like a nervous headless chicken

ALWAYS has his camera on him. like always. will tke a photo of u bc he thinks u look nice then be like im so sorry im so sorry...... bowing his head shakily holding his camera bc he doesn’t even kno what possessed him he jst thought it’d be a nice photograph bt boundaries exist. probably breathes very heavily over this later in his room panicking thinking he nw seems like hannibal lecter

probably more confident online bc he has time to think abt what he says more.......... i can see him hving a group of online friends tht he’s more confident w. honestly he’s pretty witty at heart he jst has a hard time verbalising things so ppl overlook him sometimes bt once u get to know him more / he’s more comfy he can b a funny little man.....

loves photographs where he cuts something out of them. loves missing spaces n voids. thinks it’s a rly interesting concept when something that isn’t there becomes the focus of a photograph where everything else is. probably loses his mind fr a collage like a front row 1d stan. likes experimenting w light n perception. pretty artistic honestly hs probably made a stop motion film in the past bc that’s just an extended form of photography in his mind bt i doubt he showed anyone

ummm...... very sweet bt like. he reminds me a lot of this quote. “he had the awkward tenderness of someone who has never been loved and is forced to improvise.” feel like tht sums him up quite nicely

WANTED CONNECTIONS

someone he met at a wedding: cricket probably ws forced to photograph a wedding fr his boss one time n it cld b interesting as a place to meet from that....... like. i can imagine either it being rly awkward maybe he accidentally spilled a drink on ur muse n was stuttering rly apologetic n it ws just a train wreck. or mayb they took pity on him or even (in a shocking turn of events) a shine to him n invited him to drink n dance. omgggg the thought of cricket trying to dance makes me wna die n probably mkes cricket wna hyperventilate bt idk maybe he went wild n let loose. mayb they wound up damaging the camera somehow. mayb they had to scramble to get another one n ur muse covered the cost n it was a strange late night excursion tht cricket thought about a lot since. cricket probably vowed to pay them bk somehow no matter what. idk. we can work things out. lots of diff options here. doesn’t have to b a wedding either can b any event tht required a photographer

ppl he went to school w: pretty self explanatory i suppose...... maybe they were frm completely different worlds..... mayb ur muse was popular n cricket was definitely not but they got paired fr an assignment n had to work on a project together....... mayb cricket asked ur muse on a date one time n it was completely embarrassing bc he didn’t realise they had a bf n it haunts cricket at night still bc he’s rly dramatic.... mayb ur muse felt sry fr him n ate lunch w him n inducted him into their group like a lost puppy finding a home.... world’s our oyster

neighbours from his brief time at lilac ridge: not to reference taylor swift but i’m gna reference taylor swift n say we cld do a seven inspired plot here. sighs a little..... then sighs a lot. he was here ages 0-8 so idk. we cld work out childhood plots perhaps....

sickening simp: i mean.............. cricket probably gets crushes on ppl so easily like just. anyone who’s the slightest bit nice to him.................. he’s a disgrace. ok i take it back. bt also please get it together freak............... i didn’t say that. he’d probably b extra nice to this person n try n pay close attention to things they liked so he cld get them little gifts. just a bit embarrassing n lovestruck bless his heart. wldn’t expect anything back tho honestly that just isn’t something he tends to do.

let’s go gays: cricket’s bi but he probably was rly in his head abt liking boys n tried to sort of squash it internally during his younger yrs...... i think he’s more comfy w it now MAYBE idk bt back then i picture him having a friend tht ws kind of like. similarly loserish as him perhaps (no offence to ur muse potentially filling this plot or cricket bt let’s face the facts) n they’d hang out n play games a lot n one time it jst kind of happened n he was like............. *struts in looking around sharply* What going on here? except not. bc it’s cricket. more like *shambles in looking around anxiously* What���s, uh... What’s... the happenings? S--... I’m sorry. (immediate apology for saying what’s the happenings bc nobody talks like that n it was an impulsive panic bc he didn’t know what else to say)

those who grew up in the system w him: maybe at the group home or i’d also like the family that fostered him n said sayonara. honestly i imagine the parents just thought he ws a bit too much of a handful / had too much baggage which is rly quite merciless n terrible but. if u think that aligns w ur muses home situation hmu......

um. can’t think of more bt just anything honestly. jst go wild.......

[littlebabycrybtch]

ok but tbh, i think one of the WORST old school tumblr takes we never talk about anymore was the ‘abusers dont deserve to be cheated on’ debate. like. . . actually ? every abuser deserves to be cheated on, and as long as it works out safely lmao its a good thing when that happens, bc it means the person they are ABUSING might have the chance to experience real healthy love and safely get Out of there with someone to protect them :) one of the biggest roadblocks abusers set up is isolation and making the victim feel like no one else would love them as much or help them out :) like im sorry but fuck their stupid ass FEELINGS dude, that person is fucking abusing their ‘partner’, the partner doesn’t have to value that and treat it like its a regular relationship or something! like thats the flaw in what people believe about this situation, they dont have to coddle that bitch or give them normal partner standards or treat them like a partner, bc they are literally not being treated like a partner. do yall not get it, their relationship is abuser vs victim, its not an actual fucking partnership. the abuser is manipulative so it feels like it and it looks like it, but even though it can be hard to recognize, that shit is Not the same. it should not be TREATED the same. that is so fucking important for everyone to understand. how you react to an abuser cannot rely on what would be morally allowed in a healthy safe relationship, bc thats not what the relationship is. its designed with manipulation from every angle, and its hurting someone. so yes frankly idc how being cheated on would make an abuser feel. not in the fucking slightest. i care abt how their victim is going to get away from them and heal.

and ngl, this type of guilt tripping and victim blaming and abuser sympathizing is what makes it so hard for ppl to leave ‘’’’’the right way’’’’’’ in the first place. as if abusers dont utilize guilt and make getting away from them hard on purpose like? listen to me, nah, that shit doesnt deserve standards on the victims part, it fully deserves to be broken in whatever means necessary. you can look back on a toxic relationship that YOU were in with whatever feelings you want, but it is fully so disturbing and gross the way ppl on the outside romanticize it like it was just a normal love ‘gone wrong’ or like it deserves to be treated with the same standards and expectations of a normal healthy relationship. absolutely not. it is an abuser and a victim. like holy SHIT, if you are literally unsafe mentally or physically with your current partner and you find yourself falling for someone who could help you out of there, take their hand and run! NEVER let yourself be discouraged from that, dont be afraid that you’re being fucking ‘immoral’, they are hurting you, Fuck them, they didnt have to do this to you, and you are saving yourself and thats all that matters, dont let ANYONE tell you you’re ‘just as bad as them’, thats Bullshit from people who genuinely just dont understand. please if you’re ok with taking the safety risk, just RUN and dont look back.

and bro like ANOTHER reason this treatment towards victims is so Bad is that, beyond the Direct effects, its so damaging for the overall brainwashing mindset that takes place when people are being abused. like rn im convinced Someone out there is gonna respond to this completely ignoring the point with some judgey discourse starting shit like ‘uhhhm wait a sec have u Cheated on an abuser?👀’ when the truth is. back then i felt like i would be a monster to even Think poorly of them. i wasnt allowed to talk to my friends or family, and i genuinely felt bad when id have to, thinking about how it would make my abuser feel. i never DREAMED of smth like cheating on them. and i shouldve, honestly. i wouldve supported that decision looking back. probably would have gotten me out of there sooner than 6 years. but at the time, thats All we think about, Their feelings. it’s all we’re allowed to think about. we’re given the task to worship them and it works as a distraction too, till we eventually forget that looking after ourselves isnt cruel. we rly need people to Combat that by supporting abuse victims even when their retaliations feel ‘immoral’. you cant look at the morals of it like a normal partnership. we are made to feel like its immoral to even FEEL abused, so when we finally realize it, you need to support us in how we deal, instead of guilting us with implications that we shouldve ‘stayed a good partner’ to someone who fucking relied on us ‘staying a good partner’ to keep fucking abusing us. and man it’s So hard when you’re being abused to remember what real love actually looks like. you straight up forget, or sometimes you dont have Anything to compare it to, so if someone else out there starts to show you what its truly supposed to look like, hold onto it. don’t let go. if you’re scared about how your abusive partner will react to you leaving, and need some time to formulate a plan to get out of there and feel ready to take it on, ngl, i think anyone who disagrees with THAT course of action is the immoral one who just doesnt have enough sympathy for others. im sorry but grow the fuck up, abusers get cheated on bc they dont just hurt people, they corner them. fuck anyone who doesnt get that. like odfjshkfjhdf stop personalizing how you’d feel or have felt being cheated on, you absolutely deserve better than that!!!!! abusers dont bc they literally dont love their victims the way you hopefully have loved other people, so the sanctity of their relationship or w/e isnt goddamn real and can get Fucked <3 

again, stay safe bc it can be a Very dangerous choice, but damn if you see a way out by cheating on your abuser ? ill be clapping for you hell yes

[cruelsister-moved]

feel like im not allowed to have gender issues or whatever bc im like. gender conforming in that I'm not clearly gender non conforming and im a woman in that I'm clearly not a man but like that's. all there is to it and idk i tend to just mind my own business and respect that i don't really experience gender related distress (i do as in like. being distressed that my experiences are dominated by misogny and its like an inherently for want of a better word dysphoric experience but like the fact that im as much a woman as I am anything else)

and like i think autism impacts my experience of gender SO much and it is both bc i don't seem to really "get" gender the way it seems to mean things for allistic ppl but also like. growing up as an autistic girl is such a gendered experience. my entire childhood was looking over my shoulder wondering why I wasnt like the other girls - even from a young age my feelings of not being quite right were always measured against the other girls as a yardstick, and i built my mask based on trying to copy them.

i didn't feel this intense gender isolation around boys, I was largely indifferent to them and if anything more comfortable around them because I didn't feel the intense expectation that i was supposed to be like them, and the discomfort from feeling like i so obviously wasn't - i wasn't like them either, but it didn't cut the same because I wasn't expected to be.

being an autistic girl felt like being a person in a fursuit in a pack of actual wolves (LOL sorry for the awkward metaphor). like it was obvious what I was supposed to be but it was always artificial and deliberate and obviously performed. my girlhood was a uniform i wore to try and blend in and ultimately it was something i put on and took off while masking, and not something i ever internalised or thought about as part of my own perception of myself.

I'm never going to be able to detach my perspective of my own gender from those experiences, I'm never going to not feel it as an uniform i put on in the dark and get to school and try and figure out if everyone is looking at me funny. i know the whole "im not a man or a woman, I'm me :)" thing is so whatever but i really don't feel gender to be a discernable part of myself.

i love girly stuff and i love being a femme in a butch femme relationship but all of it feels like something very personal to me that doesnt relate to social gendering in any way at all. like being into sports is just a standalone part of you rather than a one half of a binary you sort into. like...im a girl on my own, but i feel completely out of place being a girl in relation to other girls.

bc I don't really perceive gender innately, my experience of gender is all comparative. i see the signs and the marks it leaves , rather than the thing itself as a discrete object. im aware of gender when Im comparing myself to another girl, but I feel nothing alike to her - what I'm really comparing is how we are seen by a 3rd party. do i exude the same signs as she does that mark me as "like her"?. my access to gender is indirect, interpreted through observing its secondary output from others.

ive always been aware of the autisic different understanding of gender thing but I didn't ever properly follow through on all my feelings of discomfort and realise how deeply tied gender & masking was and still is for me and I think like the experience specifically of being an autistic woman creates this very specific gender experience... this is a lot of fumbling to try and put my finger on things but autistic ppl w gender diseases I would love to hear ur thoughts 💜

i think in a lot of this i am just awkwardly trying to explain what masking is like so the tldr of this if u already know is like. for me gender is basically a part of masking which means I do have a concept of my gender but its inseparable from like. observing and mimicking to avoid the consequences of being different and not like smth i understand or internalise or feel is me or whatever?

[sponfawn]

MTH - Buttercup & Mitch, Floyd, Lloyd, and Harry

This one goes out to a certain anon~ So this is surprisingly one topic that I haven't thought about extensively regarding MTH, but it’s a really interesting dynamic to think about. I wasn’t sure if by pre-breakup interactions between BC and the guys, anon meant like pre-relationship as a whole, or post-relationship but pre-breakup. So I thought about both. Disclaimer: because we don’t really have much to go on in terms of pre-relationship interactions, this is gonna be a bunch of conjecture based on how the characters currently behave and interact. I also gotta be honest, Harry and the twins tend to kinda clump together in my mind. I know what they looked like at 5yo, but in terms of current characterization they’re similar enough that they exist as a group in my head. Tho Harry does end up as the butt of a lot of jokes, more so than the twins. I guess that’s to be expected when your name is Harry Pitt.

This may have been stated in MTH in one of the early chapters, in which case, nevermind. But I feel like Buttercup probly started hanging out with the guys more starting at around when the Girls were 7 or 8? Blossom began her dance lessons at around 6 or 7, and I think 7 is around the age where kids in school start solidifying more who they consistently hang out with, and start subtly drifting a bit from siblings of about the same age. And as they got older (like maybe around 11/12) is really when Buttercup more clearly diverged from her sisters’ friends. In middle school, Blossom and Bubbles were both in choir apparently, and Buttercup rejected that completely. I’m guessing around that age or a year or so older is when they started wanting to form a band together, and then freshman year they actually started to play together as No Neck Joe. I think the guys started liking her pretty early in their collective friendship. I can imagine them all kinda realizing that they all had a crush on her. It’s possible it caused some mild conflicts between them, but I can’t imagine it lasted long at all. Then they came to a mutual agreement to prioritize their respective friendships with her. Honestly when Mitch and she started dating, I feel like Harry and the twins saw it coming and resigned to it without fuss. I just can’t see those 3 getting all pissy over it. Awkward? Yeah. Disappointed? Yeah. But not angry.

From what we see in their interactions after Butch becomes their buffer, I think they used to interact as a group much like how they did in chapter 9 at the Boys’ apartment, and in the video clip. Lots of ball busting, ribbing, general goofing off, and comfortable banter. Tho obviously with one difference being the current distance between Mitch and Buttercup. At this point in the story, while Buttercup and Mitch are starting to relax slightly around each other, they still kinda skirt the edges of the group and avoid much direct interaction. In group settings, Mitch was probably in a similar position that Butch currently inhabits, at least in terms of his closeness to Buttercup. That’s not to say that Butch is just a Mitch replacement tho. More that Harry, Floyd, and Lloyd are both relatively close to, and distant from, Buttercup. They’re in her closest friend group, but were never the closest to her within said group. Mitch and BC were BEST FRIENDS before ever going out, and that is the most obvious shift in the group as a whole. In my mind, Mitch likely interacted with her in less rough ways compared to Butch, both in term of rough housing (knowing that even if he could dish it out he wouldn't be able to take it), and dirty jokes aimed at/about her. I mean the guys have probly liked her for many years, and since they all were trying to hide their crushes i doubt any of them made many jokes suggesting any kind of attraction towards her. After Mitch and Buttercup started going out, that inclination would have probably increased (at least for Floyd, Lloyd, and Harry). Tbh, from the video Mitch was so earnest and sincere that I doubt he ever made dirty jokes about them as a couple, anyway. I feel like he’d be shy/awkward about that, especially knowing that she’d be flustered about it.

Based on the scene in the mall where the guys ask Buttercup to hang out with them for anti-prom, it’s pretty clear that not only is she just as shitty at communicating with her friends as she is with everyone else, but Mitch is as well. (To refresh memories, they're like “We don’t know what we did to piss you off, but whatever it is we’re so sorry and please be our friend again”, and she’s internally like “oh shit, that’s right they didn’t actually do anything and it’s not their fault, it was Mitch who told me”). I can understand why Mitch wouldn’t wanna talk about their breakup and the fact that he spilled the beans on all of them. But I bet it’s been lonely for them. Aside from the jealousy they probly had over Mitch being the one she chose to go out with, it was probly like being 3rd, 4th, and 5th wheels around them at times, cuz they were best friends even before dating. And in this situation, it wasn’t just feeling like an awkward entourage, it was like they fully lost one friend and the other one refused to clue them in as to why. I think if given the opportunity to be emotionally supportive in some way, theyd be fucking dorks about it but they’d try their best. But they were never given that opportunity by Mitch or BC, despite being friends since kindergarten. I feel like that probly hurt them, to be treated like it had nothing to do with them, even tho they were all friends. They haven't really addressed it, partly out of not wanting to accidentally push Buttercup away again, and partly cuz they’re just so relieved that they’re all friends again. I doubt they’ll ever decide to bring it up. Tho i could see Harry having a sudden outburst about it if she ever tries to ghost on them again. Idk why exactly but I feel like he’s the one most likely to have the guts to be vulnerable like that (both in expressing discontent/anger about something like that, and in terms of possibly invoking BC’s wrath). He seems slightly more assertive in some ways than the twins, and I feel like the twins look to each other a lot to decide what to say and when to speak up about something, which makes both of them hesitant to be the first to bring something up. Whenever I imagine who first brought up the idea of them forming a band, it’s always either Mitch or Buttercup, and Harry and the twins jump on the bandwagon. I think all 3 of them are less inclined to take the lead, but when necessary, Harry nervously steps up to the plate. After all, he is “the most determined drowning man of them all”, who spoke up first and ended up actually inviting her to their mini anti-prom.

I’ve been in BC’s position before, unwittingly pulled into the crush zone by friends, and I know the heartbreak over finding out someone just hung out with you cuz they wanted to get in your pants. But I don’t think that's fully the case for Harry and the twins. I’m sure they fantasize about it, but I think they genuinely care about her and value her friendship. At one point, she’s thinking about how she thought the guys “saw her” as a person, but after finding out they all liked her she feels like they didn’t actually see or like her as a full person at all, just as a “girl”. And again, I fully understand that feeling. But I think it also speaks volumes about how she perceives crushes and guys who have them. She knows that guys objectify girls, and I think she’s really internalized how attractive women are portrayed in various media, as well as how her sisters are perceived by virtual strangers - girls/women are not attractive due to their athletic feats, their sense of humor, their thoughts, their personalities, or their strength. They are attractive due to physical looks and femininity, and she equates being seen as “attractive/desirable” with being seen in a 1 dimensional and objectified way. She’s surprisingly like Blossom in that way (I’m thinking specifically about the scene in the diner and how she reacts after the photoshoot where she was asked to pose on the cover of a men’s magazine - “I don’t have a problem with people thinking I’m pretty... But... I do all this other stuff”), altho the way it manifests in their behavior is different. With Mitch she was ok with him liking her, and I think that’s partly cuz she liked him back but also cuz of how close they were. As best friends, she felt he saw her more completely than anyone else - until she realized that he thought she was interested in the other guys as “backups” and didn't see how much she loved him. (Which is interesting to me, cuz while she didn’t voice her feelings much to him, even Butch “emotionally constipated” Jojo could see how much she loved him through the videos and pics. It’s normal to feel insecure or unsure about someone’s feelings if they don’t communicate them, but I wonder if Mitch ever looks at those pics and realizes in retrospect how much she loved him.)

It makes me happy that she’s at least marginally getting better about communicating, even if it’s just with Butch (I hope that ability grows to other ppl for her as well). But for me it just highlighted how Buttercup doesn’t really have a support system. With the guys, she never talked about the tough stuff. I mean they didn’t seem at all surprised that she wasn't telling them why she was upset with them. She is very adverse to showing any sign of what she perceives as weakness, and since even Mitch had a hard time understanding her feelings, I’m sure it hasn’t been easier for the other guys by any means. They have fun together and share common interests, which is great, but she really keeps them at arm’s length. This is another aspect that's similar with Blossom, even tho Buttercup goes out with friends more often. They’re both quite emotionally isolated, tho Buttercup is now sharing more with Butch and Blossom is quite close with Bubbles. Of course, this isn’t due to a shortage of ppl around them who want to be close to them, but their own issues with showing vulnerability. I hope we get to see them open up a bit to more people. Now I’m honestly really interested in seeing how Harry, Floyd, and/or Lloyd would respond if Buttercup had like a serious conversation with one or all of them.

[outrotearbias]

@mccnhild tagged me in a few tags and 1) thank you!!! 2) since i’m apparently incapable of not talking abt myself on all platforms including what was meant to be a thirst blog for bts, but i haven’t actually like. said any concrete facts about myself lmao i figured i should actually talk about myself on here?? so this is a good opportunity to do that

uh well the first one is the bias selfie tag and everyone else might be cute enough to do that but i would honestly rather swallow a bee whole than directly compare myself to yoongi LIKE. i just. no. so i’ll just post a selfie. i almost never take pictures of myself so i really did not have much to choose from, ignore the janky lipstick and extremely yellow light lmao. i took these on the night that i went to go see burn the stage and YES i looked and felt extremely out of place #armysneedgothrepresentation

hate that these are so large but idk how to work tumblr despite having it since 2010

“get to know me” tag:

Nicknames/Pet names:  literally so boring lmfao, just em or emmy (although if you do call me emmy and you’re not a close family member i will be legally obliged to murder you). my grandma calls me milunia sometimes which is like a polish nickname for emily i think? that’s probably my only nickname that i actually like the sound of

Zodiac: this might get me killed for admitting this on tumblr dot com but i could literally care less about astrology. i’m a taurus but i don’t rly identify w it or care

Height: like 5′3.75 and yes i’m pretentious for not just saying 5′4 but that’s my truth

Last Movie: i literally never watch movies uhhh i think the last one was venom? i hate marvel movies normally but i will literally endure anything for tom hardy

Last Thing I Googled: "movies 2018″ bc i knew the last movie i watched was pretty recent but i couldn’t remember it lmfao

Favorite musician: radiohead, city and colour, alexisonfire, daughter, and this group that’s called bts i think??? 

Songs Stuck In My Head: desire by ateez, their new album BANGS and this song in particularly is so catchy 

Other Blogs: @thedalishelves is my main and @calebandnott is my semi/mostly-inactive critical role blog. i’ve had like a billion others but those are the ones that are (ostensibly) active

Do I Get Asks?: i used to a lot but all of the blogs i got a lot of asks on are either deleted or i don’t use them much anymore. i do kinda miss it sometimes but also now no one asks me to diagnose them or tells me their trauma in detail so it’s a toss up really

Dream Trip: i have a phobia of traveling lmfao so it’s more about who i’m with rather than the destination? like i don’t really care at all about seeing new places, more about just being with someone that i like away from daily life for a bit. that being said i do wanna go to paris before i die. also italy and poland to like. connect w my ancestry or w/e lmfao

Amount of Sleep: when i just let my body do its thing (which has been almost all the time lately as i don’t have classes any more and my job has irregular hours) i naturally sleep for abt 9-10 hours. and yes that’s a lot and YES it sucks

Lucky Number: i mean it’s not lucky but i have a Thing abt the number 3 in certain situations

What I’m Wearing: sweats and hoodie bc i’m at home and if u wear anything other than comfy clothes at home. i have nothing to say to u

Favorite food: don’t rly have one atm

Dream job: english professor!!! i’m nearly half way through my phd so. almost there! (if any jobs ever open up 💀💀💀 might get to fulfill this dream in about 40 years or so)

Play any instruments:  i used to play the piano and the baritone (lmfao) but i’ve long abandoned them

Languages: obvs english, EXTREMELY bad french that i can passably read, sort of write, almost completely cannot speak and definitely cannot understand. also i took a year of arabic during my undergrad but i only remember how to kind of read the alphabet. and i have a pretty sizable polish vocabulary (considering i don’t speak it) but absolutely do not know ANY grammar, so the best i could do is throwing random polish words into english sentences. so. basically just english and reading in french

Random fact: *vegan voice* HI I’M A VEGAN

15 questions tag:

Are You Named After Someone: yeah emily brontë bc my mom loved wuthering heights lmfao. in hindsight.. really indicative of how my life would turn out (both in the whole ‘i love reading and i’m doing an english phd’ thing and also the gothic tragic horror lmfao)

When was the last time you cried: yesterday about 461 times. sometimes it be like that

Do You Have Kids: yes one beautiful little tabby cat named faye, i adopted her in august and she’s 3 years old now and extremely annoying and also perfect

Do You Use Sarcasm A Lot: i used to a lot more but now i’m too paranoid abt people hating me and thinking i’m negative so i try not to

What’s the First Thing You Notice About Someone: if they’re a threat or not (either in the immediate physical sense, like seeing someone walking down the street towards me, or in the more complicated sense that i can’t be bothered getting into now and yes i’m aware this is a depressing answer)

Eye Color: dark green

Scary Movie or Happy Ending:  what a weird thing to juxtapose lmfao ig i’m a bit too much of a wimp to watch scary movies often so happy ending? i’m really not one to need happy endings in a movie/story though

Any Special Talents: I Cannot Stress Enough How Untalented I Am. anything that i’m good at is due to dedicating A LOT of time and practice to it.

Where Were You Born: toronto

Hobbies: video games are definitely my main hobby. other than like, listening to music and indulging in whatever obsession i currently have (like bts for instance) all i do is play video games. reading isn’t a hobby anymore, bc even though it occupies most of my time, it’s all for school

Pets: seems pretty redundant to ask about children and pets in one tag. but in addition to my own cat, my family also has a cat named chloe who is super gross but also i love her to death and i think she might actually be an angel. if you could not tell i am completely a cat person and plan on adopting 300

How Tall Are You: let’s go w the less pretentious answer of 5′4 this time even if it’s 0.25″ short of the truth

What Sports Do You Play/Have You Played: LMMMMAAAAOOOOOOOOOO DO I LOOK LIKE

Favorite Subject: i mean. english. obviously

Dream Job: since i already answered this let’s really get wild w the “dream” part of dream job. i would absolutely love to somehow become extremely rich through no work of my own, move to an isolated castle w a really big library, wifi, and like. idk an archery range and some stables w horses and a lot of cats and an incredibly hot gameskeeper that i have a passionate but somewhat detached love affair with. like i’m tryna live like a combination of enya and lady chatterley from lady chatterley’s lover except w/out the shitty husband and class critiques and soul-destroying ennui

HOO BOY i really wrote way too much huh. i’m too avoidant to tag ppl but if u read that whole mess i owe u my whole life thank u

[pet-diary]

How was it like growing up as an autistic child? When were you diagnosed? C:

I was diagnosed later in life (mid-twenties) after seeking out the diagnosis on my own. I never really knew I was autistic as a child or as I was growing up, I just knew there was something “different” about me. It was hard to put two and two together for a number of reasons…

(adding a read more cut because this ended up being a long answer, sorry!)

I was home schooled by my mom with only my brother and sister as company until I reached the 7th grade. The only real social interaction I had was with a few family friends (most of whom trickled out of our life after a couple of yrs of knowing them, for various reasons) and kids I got to know at church. I went to church every Sunday and Wednesday until I was in jr high and had a few friendships that lasted a few yrs, but all of them ended over time (kind of badly in some cases, some of them bullied me in the end). I hung out with my cousin for several yrs until she also became too “cool” for me. Needless to say, everyone just thought I was weird because I was home schooled, isolated, and friendless through most of my little kid yrs.

Despite having a somewhat isolated childhood I was really happy I think. I didn’t really get why people didn’t want to be my friend back then. I was a pretty happy kid. I didn’t think it was all that weird to be as hyper-focused on small details of things as I was, to notice the things I did, or to have the special interests I had. Also I was really really shy and didn’t talk very much at all. I had fewer sensory issues back then because I was more in control of my environment (spent almost every minute at home!) but they tended to get worse on long trips in the car or in situations where I couldn’t get away.

I grew up in a very small town in Texas. There was no practical or helpful interventions in place for kids who didn’t “look” like they had a disability, but still did have one. None of my issues ever got singled out on an institutional level (like recognizing a learning disability or whatever, my issues were mostly intrapersonal and interpersonal, everyone thought my educational issues were bc of home school). My parents thought I had a behavioral attitude problem and threatened to send me to boot camp a lot (my dad is ex marine). I got in trouble at home a lot because I was argumentative. The one time i spoke up about having anxiety and depression I got a couple of months worth of Lexapo from my GP, and never got it refilled. I was a freshman in high school at the time I think. Mental health wasn’t talked about or taken seriously where I grew up. If you had real problems you were supposed to work them out in church (no offense to ppl who believe in that, but I don’t think it should take the place of practical interventions that can help improve ppl’s lives). I mostly just started “working them out” through self injury (bad coping mechanism), and later through art.

From jr high to high school I kind of found my niche. I had groups of friends eventually, really good friends. Mostly outcast types, but we didn’t care, we were the weirdos and we liked that. I also took on the role as the artsy eccentric one in the group who said weird stuff that people thought was funny or amusing. I actually really liked this part of me, but the other issues in my life at the time made this a less happy point in my life. It was a mixed bag.At this point (basically from 7th grade on) I was dealing with a lot of depression, anxiety, self injury, etc. I started looking into psychology as a way to describe what I was going through, why I had such intense emotions, meltdowns, sensory issues, depression, headaches, stress, etc. That time period was the birth of my lifelong interest in psychology. I bought every book I could, watched every movie. There was a lot of confusing info out there (movies probably didn’t help since they don’t portray mental illness very accurately usually, lol). But autism was never really brought to my attention because of the obvious reasons (stereotypically a young boy’s disorder, mute stereotype), but also because of the divide between the medical field and the psychological field. I was looking in the wrong places, apparently. I think this divide is a major issue that will eventually need to be addressed, by the way.

To answer your actual question… Growing up undiagnosed autistic was confusing as all hell. Often sad. Very very lonely. I didn’t really get what I was doing “wrong” most of the time? For a large portion of my life I had a lot of magical thinking. I thought I was “special” and could like, control certain things in my life (kind of like in a serendipitous way? idk it’s hard to describe). I used to think I had schizotypal pd but that might have just been a result of trying to make a confusing life make sense. Maybe I do though who knows really.

I might have had these issues with or without a diagnosis, but I definitely have always felt “broken” bc I didn’t have an explanation for why I was different.I have a lot of self-loathing, lack of confidence issues that I’m still working through as an adult. To be honest with you (and I don’t consider this tmi because this is my blog lol)… I was really at my wit’s end when I decided to seek out a diagnosis. I felt broken, like a burden, like garbage parts that would never do any good in the world or mean anything to anyone. I had a lot of suicidal thoughts all the time, I was in a really dark place for many years and the only thing keeping me going was my husband (then boyfriend) and my pets. When it got bad enough that I was scared for my safety I decided I needed to demand help from myself and my family and friends.

Things completely changed when I got my diagnosis. Something in me shifted, and I felt I understood the universe more clearly. Kind of like when you learn something new in school or whatever and everything takes on new meaning somehow. It was like that. Since then, I’ve had a lot more self acceptance. I still have a lot of issues sometimes when I’m having a really bad meltdown or depression (okay it happens way more than it should, I really need to go to therapy I know, lol), but things have improved so drastically by knowing I’m autistic, I can’t even tell you. It’s also improved my relationship with my husband, (side bonus).

It hasn’t been all good, I mean, my family and irl friends have barely acknowledged it which just makes me doubt myself all over again… But then I remember “oh yeah other people don’t have to deal with this kind of shit!!!! This isn’t typical!!! This isn’t the “normal” everyone else is experiencing!! Fuck you I’m autistic or whatever else you wanna call it, come at me!!!! I’m done feeling like I’m broken so just accept it already and start to know me as me and not as this bullshit image you’ve created in your mind to represent me!!” :D

Besides, acceptance or not, I’m always going to have the issues I have. I’ll always have a hard time understanding what people are saying when there’s too much going on, I’ll always get overwhelmed and burned out, I’ll always have meltdowns (something that is very hard to accept about myself), I’ll always make social blunders and misunderstand people, I’ll always be misunderstood, I’ll always struggle with things that come more easily for others. But I’ll also always see the world from a totally different perspective from everyone else, which I think really helps me in my art and ideas. And I have a lot of fun in life when things are going well, I’m really super passionate about so much and I think that’s because of my strong emotions and connectiveness to things. I have a fun childlike view of everything when I’m in a healthy place and I love that about myself. There’s a lot of really cool things about it, and some bad things too.

Sorry this is such a long answer. I’m clearly avoiding my school work…………. It’s been a long stressful weekend and venting a little felt good so thank you for this question that I have taken way far off track, heh heh.

I should probably be more “professional” in my answers to these types of questions since this is the field I want to specialize in eventually, but whatever. This is real life and real life is messy and sometimes you get mad about your baggage and curse a little. It helps to curse a little. ;)

Also I’m an oversharer, sorry! Autism is a big interest of mine and so is human behavior. So it’s hard to hold back…

[lizparkcr]

I know it’s not the end of the year yet but im just reflecting and like, I’ve talked abt All The Shit in snippets before but I just wanna. lay it all out. so lotsss of text rambling ahead

this year has gone so quickly but things have changed so much -- in January, and honestly for a good half of the year, I believed genuinely I would never ever be able to live a regular and functioning life, and I didn’t know how I was going to cope with having to live the rest of my life. I didn’t feel like I was living in the real world and I didn’t know how to get there bc I was preoccupied w mental health and trauma related shit every single day, I felt completely trapped within myself and had my only emotional support taken away from me so had no idea how to deal with it. Leaving uni was almost unbearable and despite being ok now I still don’t like thinking about it. Having to leave my counsellor, having just come off antidepressants, leaving uni and moving back home whilst being in a bad place w my family, being isolated from my friends... like it was easily one of the worst times of my life. And the pain of knowing everything about my uni life was perfect apart from the fact that I couldn’t cope with any sort of life was really hard to take. The only comfort was knowing that leaving was truly inevitable, but it didn’t really make the situation any easier. I still miss that time and the life I could have had, but most of the time when I’m happy, I can recognise that I had to leave in order to get better, and it doesn’t feel so bad to be where I am now.

bc around May of this year after I finished hypnotherapy and GP counselling and everything sort of cleared up in my head, I suddenly had so much space to think it was like I no longer had to be so close to everything that was bad -- if before I was stuck in a house I didn’t know how to get out of it was like being able to walk outside and breathe again. I could walk away from my pain and bad memories and visit when I wanted to instead of being constantly surrounded by it, which after like 4 years of that shit feels pretty incredible even now. Like I’m literally living a life right now that I thought wasn’t possible for me?  Its funny I was thinking about it the other day how I’m p much living the life that all my friends had when they were 17 (minus school) -- learning to drive, having a part time job and not doing much else -- and i guess it makes sense seeing as that’s where I got stuck inside. I’m re-entering the world as a different person, and I need to work on being more open to everyone and everything but there’s time, and I’m taking it slowly.

Also Really Cool Things about 2017:

I started learning to drive this year

I got a job this year (a physically demanding one at that)

I’m getting better at social stuff and working on not isolating myself

Fewer daydreaming episodes/ less compulsion to escape/avoid (this one is harder and not perfect but. it’s got better)

I feel genuine! excitement! at most life prospects and hobbies and things I want to study and create

my anxiety and depression have largely been reduced to a few symptoms which I can manage ok most of the time

the thought that I’m not a capable person is seeming less and less likely because like. I can do shit. I have many years to do shit.

My sense of self and identity is getting stronger and more positive I think too. I no longer feel like just an outline of a person that ppl are just walking past

Things will never be perfect (bc perfection doesn’t exist and that’s fine!), there’s still hangover from all the bad shit and I still have a lot of growing and learning to do but like, I’m capable! I can do it! Love to learn I do!

on that note -- and I don’t really want to make a laundry list of Things I Need To Work On bc rlly I believe in doing things at my own pace and not overthinking or pressuring myself but -- Things I want to do/ think about doing in 2018:

get another job (and therefore more routine which everything else sort of slots in to)

meditate and/or do yoga in small increments!

read more

learn more abt ethical clothing and local farmers markets

keep my room tidier

keep myself more occupied and therefore daydream less

think about applying to college for next autumn

accept the ways that I have changed

be a little braver in social situations and accept that it might feel too exposing; tell people how I feel, show people how I feel

and that’s that :’)