#but i havent even had it a year 😭
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i was supposed ta start drawing 3 hours ago
#spacie spoinks#executive dysfunction#guys i took off work for 2 weeks and ive just been chilling in my home and i have only now realized how much i fucking hate working#oh my god??? i only do part time. why.#oooh this is not good#how am i going 2 survive . for the rest of my life#my mom told me i should quit my job b/c its causing me too much stress skjfhkjdsfhhsd#i mean shes right#but i havent even had it a year 😭#siiiiiiigh
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🐧 🐬
#penguin one piece#Shachi one piece#pensha#heart pirates#one piece#my art#THIS IS VENT ART#MY ROOMMATE IS MOVING OUT TODAY AND IM SO SAD#WEVE ROOMED TOGETHER FOR EIGHT YEARS#I MISS HER ALREADY#(to be clear she’s moving into the bedroom opposite mine)#(we still live together)#(share a bathroom even)#BUT I MISS HERRRRRR I HAVENT HAD MY OWN ROOM SINCE LEAVING MY PARENTS HOUSE IN 2011#NO PILLOW TALK?????#😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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in a bit of shock atm. i applied for 3 different drama schools in australia and got into 2 of them and i have a callback to the 3rd. i truly didn't expect anything to come of this i can't even describe to you how much rejection i have faced. ive auditioned for every drama school in nz multiple times over the years and only ended up getting into one of the lower tier ones (which tbh. every drama school here has uniquely good things and major drawbacks so whatever. i loved my time there). but these Aus schools are all pretty prestigious. one is with one of the leading acting coaches in the world. i don't know what to do. i don't know if i can even go bc of visa reasons.
#one gave me early admittance 2 days after i auditioned and said i should be really proud of my self 😭#for so many years i was living in my exes shadow i was never allowed to be better than her at anything. i was never allowed to succeed#and now this year i have really flourished and idk. its such a weird feeling#maybe i should just find a better agent 😭#sorry for the weird personal post out of the blue#i just had to get this out i havent even told my friends yet nd idk how to#personal#not fashion
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Holy fuck y'all i should NOT be awake 😭
#p#i need to be up in six hours 😭😭#i had an awful exhausting evening#my hamster that i had before moving passed away#the car i bought not even two years ago is totaled and unfixable#i lost one of the gigs i thought i had secured for the school year#it is pms hell week for me and i keep swinging wildly between utter fully body rage and complete overwhelming despair and anxiety#i want to cry but ive done enough crying tonight thank you!!!!#please let tomorrow be kinder i desperately need it#please let the jobs ive emailed tonight email me back#and let the pay be good#i also have sooooo much to do before next tuesday oh my god#i need to prep for our session on saturday#finish lesson planning for the summer camp#finish character creation#grocery shop#quick clean of the house bcuz lord knows i wont be doing it while at the camp#i still havent received a v important piece of mail#figure out how to pay my taxes and insurance#prep for the meeting i have monday morning re new school year including some brain storming#reviewing the pacing calendar and handbook and looking at the google drive again#and im being social this entire weekend agh#plus look for jobs i guess??? bcuz money is needed#and theres family drama 🙃#ugh i should probably not be posting this on main#perhaps i will delete later ugh#life is just hard atm it will get better it always does#and i will not lose my rental nor will i be unable to pay my taxes and bills#it will be FINE#because i will make it fine
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not to be ungrateful but i don't get paid enough at my job lol
#the problem with jobs that people do bc they love the work is that it doesn't pay well and you will be overworked to death#genuinely couldn't quit bc i love the kids too much already but 15 an hour is....not ideal tbh....#how am i supposed to make future plans in these conditions#i cant ask for a raise ive only worked here 3 months but ugh#the only reason i got hired is i finally broke my rule abt the minimum hourly rate i was willing to accept#i applied to the two 14-16 an hour jobs and used the one i already accepted to get this one to gove me 15 instead of 14#but that's still not a lot tbh#need to buy an oven since we havent had a working one since january#and i keep gping ok next time i get paid i will buy an oven#and it hasnt happened yet#and i need.....17k to invest in starting my own business and i will not see a return on that for a very long time 😭#and i have no idea where that money will be coming from lol#fortunately its not that time sensitive except it kind of needs to happen in the next year or two probably but idk#if i dont do what i need to do idk what will happen but i think the issue will become more expensive but also maybe less expensive#but also uglier and make my neighbors mad#but i have no choice but to wait bc i have no money for that lol#anyway#17k is my immediate expense but i also need to come up with the money to eventually buy my parents house somehow#and i dont even make enough to pay the mortgage 😭#fortunately i dont need to do that for a long time but...eventually#anywayssss#how am i supposed to live laugh love in these conditions#i do love working with kids but jts hard work and all my coworkers are petty and hate eachother so its a lot#and i dont make enough money to live fr#im so lucky i live w my parents bc nobody at my job makes enough to live on their own lol#also the sheep that are supposed to be clearing brush got sick and went back to their farm and they're not coming back this year at all#so we need to brush hog it#or contract another farm#im not sure if its even safe w their poop all over the place snd im not getting any communication from the farmers#but it lowkey might be better to get our own sheep but thats so much work i dont want to think abt doing livestock
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actually wait that poll unlocked a fuckin memory and i feel like talking about it so‼️
( not tmi or anything but in case this gets long or you don't wanna read it im putting a page break here LMAO )
ok so on my 18th birthday, my grandparents REALLY wanted to go to dinner to celebrate. i didnt really wanna, but i got to dress up so i said fuck it. this was around when debates over trans women in sports were first brought to the mainstream ( as far i know ) right. so we're sitting there in the restaurant, im eating my cake, and my grandfather starts going off about how they're letting men compete against women and how unfair it is and shit. WHILE WE'RE CELEBRATING MY BIRTHDAY. IN FRONT OF ME. THEIR GNC GRANDCHILD. WHO REFERS TO HIMSELF WITH MASCULINE TERMS EVERY TIME YOU SEE HIM. LOUDLY. it's been two years and i STILL can't believe the audacity. like YOU invited ME out to dinner and start talking that shit?? if they weren't family and we weren't in public i would have told em to shut the fuck up
#they STILL talk about this stuff at family gatherings too apparently#i always keep to myself til we leave but my ma has told me they complain about people demanding you use the right pronouns or whatever#and god bless her soul she tried to be like 'actually its not that hard even if you cant tell because you shouldn't assume' and#'if they tell you how to refer to them its just basic human decency to respect that'#no clue how they took it since i wasnt there but they just ended the conversation after that 😭😭#god dont even get me started on my uncle#hes awful and clearly mentally unwell and obviously really old#we have a family friend who had two moms right. they never tried to hide it and didnt really acknowledge it as anything weird. bc it wasnt.#my uncle is the one that introduced us so clearly he knew their mom was gay#and he did#he never said anything about it while we were kids out of fear of making us gay or smth#but at the last family gathering he was updating me on what was going on with them cuz we havent seen em in a while#and he told me that their daughter had apparently gotten a boyfriend#which is great! im really happy for her#but my uncle was like 'yeah i was getting worried because of ( one of her mothers names ) being. . . you know?'#and i was???? flabbergasted?????? esp because of personal things with their parents he was JUST telling me about#this is the same guy who after 20 years STILL cant spell my deadname right. not relevant just still so fucking funny to me#but yeah he laughed when he said it and everything like he was making a funny joke#tbf there is smth so insanely comedic about telling your butch niece you were afraid someone 50 years younger than you liked other women#just because her mom did#crazy shit
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Why does my writing feel bad everytime I try to write for a new fandom??
Like. I know my writing is good, I usually like it considering I write what I wanna read. But for some reason?? Writing for new fandoms feels like Im offending the writing gods and every word feels so awkward and out of place and AAAAAAAA
#i WANT to write for other fandoms#especially bc like. for the small fandoms im in there ISNT a lot of stuff to read SO I NEED TO WRITE IT FOR MYSLEF!!!#but it never feels as satisfying as writing dsmp dhrkskdlfd#ik i wrote for dsmp for yearssss before i started to actually post so by then i had years of practice to make sure the characters#sounded in character#but LIKEEE#😭😭😭😭#im struggling yall#i just wanna write the silly firefighter show without thinking every word is the worst thing in existence:((#the only reason i was able to finish that one one shot was bc it was a vent fic so i wasnt really thinking about it being in character i was#just writing my own thoughts and needs#WHICH I JUST WROTE A SHORT VENT SNIPP TOO AND I LIKED THAT 😭😭😭#BUT ANYTIME I TRY TO WRITE JUST. NORMAL FIC#IT FEELS SO BADDDJFKDSKSKD#IM SUFFERINGNGNGNGG#I HAVENT EVEN GOTTEN PAST PAGE ONE BRUHHDFJJD#i need to just .#finish my fathers day fic#post#and hopefully thatll renew a sense of “okay im kinda good actually?”#bc i have that mostly finished...#it just feels rushed agrhrhdhdhdjd#foxie rambles#im SUFFERING 🙏‼️‼️
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.
#when im extra depressed i watch old yt compilations#this week is critical role moments#and ugh. Ugh#i always forget how mf touch-starved and affection-starved i am until i watch those 8 interact w each other#like. always touching. so much touching#i havent had a cuddly / touchy friend in like 6+ years and i am Suffering for it#like as much as w any other people im v touch-averse and dont want that at all#when it comes to friends i am extremely pro touch and genuinely love being affectionate#and i Can't#and sometimes that sucks ngl#no shade to my friends who aren't comf w that obviously#that's 100% gr8 and i would never push or wanna make them uncomf lots of ppl dont like that#i just. used to always have at least 1 friend who /was/ okay with it that i could be as cuddly as i wanted with#and now i dont and it ??? is getting to a point where it is almost painful#like str8 up i've had to talk to my therapist abt this the last 6 months bc its becoming a bit dire#hugs r wonderful dont get me wrong but thats the max amount of touch for my ok-with-touch friends#and the rest r no-touch#whereas im sitting here like 😭😭😭 PLS I JUST WANNA HOLD SOMEONE'S HAND#OR LEAN MY HEAD ON SOMEONE'S SHOULDER OR HAVE AN ARM AROUND A WAIST OR A HEAD IN A LAP#OR STR8 UP SNUGGLIN ON A COUCH#I DESPERATELY NEED IT#ANY OF IT IT DOESNT NEED TO BE ALL OF THAT#I FEEL LIKE I AM SHRIVELLING UP LIKE A SENTIENT RAISIN INSIDE#JUST HAVIN ALL THE LIFE SUCKED OUT OF ME THRU LACK OF TOUCH#I WANT SOMEONE TO RUFFLE MY HAIR OR PAT MY ARM OR KISS MY CHEEK#HELL I'LL TAKE A HAND ON MY BACK PURELY FOR THE PURPOSE OF STOPPING ME FROM WALKING INTO TRAFFIC#WHICH AT THIS POINT I AM TEMPTED TO DO DUE TO EMOTIONAL DISTRESS LMAO (DEVASTATED LAUGHTER)#aiyaiyai and i cant even just go and Make New Friends bc most spaces to do that arent accessible or safe for me#the only friends i've made in the last few years r thru Mutual Autism Vibes~ and they're all anti-touch#WHERE R THE OTHER TOUCH-STARVED CUDDLY AUTISTICS AT ??? WHERE R U ??? COME FIND ME PLS I BEG !!! i feel like im gonna die fr
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i cannot keep drawing this dude on my phone but god do i love drawing him (+ bonus colors)
#my art#sketch#samsung notes#castlevania#alucard#i was doing gesture-y drawings but i drew him with a sword and shield and then i just wanted to Draw Him and. hes doing something to me man#i need to play sotn but im determined to play at least the first few games in order but i still havent beat 1. i fell out of it 😭😭😭#i want so badly to have a proper understanding of his character so i wont just be drawing like 'man.. pretty.... hair.. flowy...' forever#but also i refuse to make an educated guess on his characterization bc it will Not be educated. my exposure to him is so narrow#and also mostly forgotten. most of it was years ago and what i do know is surface-level at best. any nuance will literally be speculation 💀#but i Need to draw him. for my enrichment. hes so designed. so it ends up being just. Mysterious Handsome Man Looking Somewhere#seriously holy Shit. the more i absorb his design the more i have to draw him. ayami kojima was Cooking in the studio like damn#by the way these last two posts were scheduled. about two days after i did both of them give or take. i did this the night before last post#im trying to pace myself a bit better (its not really working 💀)#for context: the colored version was literally not even a thought when i originally put this post together#i did it the day after making the sketch and then three days later (the earliest you will see this) the post posted#oh shit right that means#medibang paint#shoutouts to multiply layer mode i would not be able to just do this without being able to keep my sketch#if i had to redraw it i would not have done the colors lol#anyways stream wandering ghosts bye bye love and peace 🤞
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🐮
#ok ok im gonna try to go to the gym today#i havent been able to make myself leave the house at all this week#and im feeling so bad about myself :((#im up earlier today and im gonna have breakfast calmly and then walk 45min to the gym#work out (which is the part i love lol) and then go to the store#bc that store has a special price for salmon today which makes me wanna go today skksksks#i havent had salmon in 10 months at least and even before that i havent had it in like a year#it is super fkn expensive lately so i cant at all afford it#but now it costs way less so i can actually afford it....#i just hope the store actually has it and that it isnt just 'sold out' :((((#if that's the case then thats how it is but oh it'd make me so sad#i havent had salmon for years 😭#it's one of my fav things to have for dinner :((((#ok anyway im gonna try to go to the gym today#it is a bit annoying that it will probably rain#im so sick of it raining constantly#i love the rain but when i cant afford taking the buss and have to walk everywhere it becomes a nuisance#having to walk for 45min and get fkn drenched and then have to go to an appt or exercise or smth it's so gross#but yeah... i just have to go anyway :<#can it stop raining now#also it is in the middle of june and we just stopped having warm weather???#global warming is scary bro#anyway i hope it gets warmer soon
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Hey guys. gay rights
#i already made the sonic one a while bc yknow. kinnie stuff youve all seen my blog theme#but then i was wearing my Fearless Year of Shadow(tm) shirt along with it and my irl bff was like.#'why are you wearing a sonic bracelet with that shirt if you love shadow so much 🤨' *#(he doesnt know much about sth stuff but ive infodumped abt shadow and his backstory to him many times)#and i was like 😭😭 BECAUSE I DONT HAVW A SHADOW KANDI BUT I WANNA MAKE ONE. I WILL SOON#so. now i do!! taking my ad/derall on the weekends always make me want to make more kandi. its great!#and yknow what else it makes me want to do...... talk more on here >:3333#me and my dad are gonna go to a local jazz festival this afternoon bc our jazz combo is playing at it!!#itll be fun. my dad said hes gonna get some food from this really good breakfast place on the way thwre#which is not the best part. the best part is outside the shop there is a wonderful kitty cat who hangs around the parking lot#bc hes owned by the ppl who own the bar right next door#its so great. everybody knows him (the cat) and loves him. the v/ape shop next door has a tip door set up for him even though the#bar owner ppl take care of him and take him to the vet nd stuff. my dad found a faceb/ook page somebody made for him#and apparently it just has pictures of ppl at the bar holding him. its so great and hilarious. this cat is so loved#by the v/ape shop people. by random people at this beachtown bar. by the breakfast shop people.#anyways uh. this post was abkut kandi wasnt it 😭😭😭 lol#cherry chortles#anyways the add/er/all also usually makes me want to look at and sort through my pkmn card collection. so imma do that#because my dads friend (and my friend too i guess! me and him exchange cat photos bc he has this adorable chunky cat named gremlin) that we#play bar trivia with on tuesdays (dw its not really even a bar. its mostly a restaurant) asked me abt my pokemon card collection#bc the final question was to put a few franchises (it was like. dora the ecplora and spide/rman etc. and pokemon) in order of revenue#and obvs pokemon was the top. bc of factors like the trading cards so thats how that came up#we didnt bet any of our points btw but we almost! got it right! the order was pk/mn dora spidamen friends (the tv seies) but we had spidman#as second. but we still won!! our team is on a two game winning streak!!! we always split the money so next week ill get another 8 dolla >:3#wow i havent hit tag limit yert#lol. yall'll open the 'see all tags' thing and boom. do you love the color of the sky type shit 😭😭😭#sorry that sounds too much like aave. i (white baby) cant be sayin that#cherrys kandi#okay well i had a tag with a verse from the ultimarw showdown bc i didnt know what else to say#but with my kandi tag and these two tags i have hit tag limit. thank you folks ill be here all night
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. (tw heterosexuality)
#i am having the worst sexuality crisis of my life. i was so sure i was a lesbian but there is this One Guy..#he makes me feel things. i think. but i cant categorize them#relationships w men sound.. unappealing.. if i think about it generally#like a random man? sounds weird. or maybe not. i dont know. i havent even had a first kiss lmao i dont really know stuff#but him............oh...........hes so funny and cool and nice to everyone. his hands are pretty (weird thing to notice but ok)#he explains math to me and i cant focus because he's too close. thats so MORTIFYING I THOUGHT I WAS A DYKE#but at the same time 12 year old me was having heart palpitations around my first girl crush and shit#and he hasnt made me feel anything that strong so far. so. idk. but also i was 12. so idk#well okay generally speaking women make me feel much more doing way less#there was this occasion where this girl who i always had a mild thing for but never did anything about it just came up to me#at school#and just. haha lol i had a dream about you last night ;)#i am not joking when i say i felt weak in the knees. she was smiling in a like playful way so i was gonna make a joke but i could not#because i was going to pass out from being too gay#this guy (or any other guy for that matter) doesn't seem to have the power to make me feel like that#..........am i bisexual with a female lean or whatever people say. or am i experiencinf the worst case of comphet of my life#this is awful. not because i don't wanna like men (its just sexuality idc) but because i don't want to prove my mom right#😭what if it WAS a phase#but who knows. mentioning the girl who dreamt about me kind of replaced the thoughts i was having of him for a bit there#i miss her she was nice. well sort of. but i was never involved in the drama so who cares fr. she graduated last year#anyways sorry for breaking character. tumblr user kaeyapilled is lore dropping
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last few hours in boston :(
#purrs#conference tag#we literally just got here and now we have to go 😭💔 i havent rly felt as enriched by this conference as i have in the past (though there’s#still 2 more sessions to go to incl the closing plenary and we’re getting lunch in the station before the train ride home) but ive walked#around so much and have spent time with people i love and some people i miss. and have been on adventures i have been looking forward to for#a rly long time though i am kinda bummed i never made it down to fanueil square. but… idk what happiness feels like anymore but maybe for me#it’s just absence of misery and despair. or contented ness. i have gotten a little triggered from time to time these last few days and ive b#been lonely in my hotel room but MAN it has been nice to not be miserable and suffering and to take walks and to not go to every session (ev#even though i do feel bad abt it like i missed 2 plenaries and an afternoon concurrent session which is more than i usually miss) and to#be in this city which feels so much like brighton and so uncity like in some ways. it’s so charming and omg i went to harvard and it was#NOTHING like what i imagined it to be / feel like.. just a quaint artsy quirky town. and the rest of the places ive been have been like that#too. and people LIVE here every day!!!!! there’s a big beautiful world here both above ground and below!!!! and im gonna be late to#breakfast but… i just feel nourished and healed in a way i wasn’t expecting to. I haven’t been this far away from home in 3+ years and#it’s just been really nice being somewhere else and going on adventures and seeing things surviving. i miss my grandparents a lot and im sad#to not be visiting them and to be unable to visit them now lol but it’s just rly nice and special being here. im goingto miss it so much and#im trying to savor every second. i wish we had one more day here and im a little sad to be going home lol#* what i meant when talking about happiness earlier is that i think… i have been happy these last few days. for the first time in a really#really long one. and that’s nice. it’s good to be happy again. and good to be here
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cause you're a sky, you're a sky full of stars
#trying to curb a little creative block rn and this came to mind yesterday#i havent even watched this movie in like 10 years#it fits tho yk. dragon nerd and all lmao#f/o#ficto tag#heart of mars#that & i finished the series again last night and yk he returns as a dragon like this#had to celebrate his return after almost 10 episodes without him 😭#smthn a little more. freestyle? im trying to not be a perfectionist at every turn 🫠#ratkingdraws#proship selfship#proship safe#and i mean. can u rly exist with a ship if u don't do at least one ghibli redraw of it#im not even that much into the movies and i know the rule LMAOOO#screenshot redraw#FUCK IT HAPPENED AGAIN. every time i draw them they're facing the same way on the same side. sigh#anyway
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im very glad that taekey apologized for what they said but the whole thing leaves an icky taste in my mouth
#esp bcuz yall know how i feel abt t.aemin and how ive felt for literal years now.... i love the guy#& as someone who has been on the receiving end of colorist comments its just even more upsetting to me..#and tbh. tbhhhh i feel like person they REALLY owe an apology to is minho. if we're being real. 😭#i havent talked abt it on here or on twt bcuz like i was just very much at a loss for words 😭#but i feel like it needs some unpacking. they had ill intent with their comments but they saw the#bad effect their words had and owned up to it? but this isnt the first time 😭😭#colorism in general is a plague in every poc community like.... not saying that its an excuse bcuz they need to unlearn the#colorism that was taught to them to be correct from birth... like i dont think theyre bad ppl but i DO think they need to stop taking their#internalized prejudices out on minho. 😭😭😭#anddd idk.... im gonna take a break from s.hinee for a bit. idk.#🧁.txt
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rattles the bars of my leopard enclosure HIIIIII HOW ARE U
if u were a clouded leopard i would cut u out of ur enclosure and then i'd get sent to jail hiii xin<3
#HIIII i went out to brunch today with a few friends to this cute bistro ^_^#had the eggs florentine and they were lovely!!! went on a walk through the gardens for like 2 hours which felt great#but also wait oh my god. something so scary happened which was that my roomie told me that she knows some#people in my year and major and they all know who i am but i have no idea who they are so im like. oh god. please i do not wish to be#memorable i havent even done anything cool yet here why do u know me 😭#how are u!!! kissie kissie kissie
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