#but i'm too self-conscious to do that on my main blog too often because i always manage to convince myself no one actually cares

[theflyingfeeling]

...💌

[1863-project]

Been looking through your blog for a while and as someone who likes Ingo and Emmet but feels alienated from the main fandom for multiple reasons, it's pretty refreshing to see someone who points out the ableism that nobody else wants to acknowledge.

Like, obviously alternate takes on characters exist and there's nothing WRONG with that if done respectfully, but the blatant disregard for their canon personalities in favor of making Ingo a "pathetic little meow meow" or whatever the current phrase is at all times and making Emmet someone dangerous or scary isn't only tiring, it's harmful to people who see themselves in them. (I get wanting to explore the angst around the separation and it can make for good stories, but come on.)

It's also another signifier of how ableism towards real people gets ignored in fandom spaces. The mod of a Submas blog I used to follow regularly got death threats for "faking" their brain damage and personality disorders, which they were not. There was an eating disorder-related harassment campaign that went around. One user I know of deleted their entire internet existence because of being called slurs all the time.

I'm pretty lucky to have carved out a tiny corner with a select few friends who also take issue with this stuff, or honestly I'd just stop talking about the twins altogether. The fic and art isn't enough of an incentive for me to wade through this shit.

Thank you so, so much for this, anon. You have no idea what this means to me.

Ingo and Emmet are more like me than any other characters on the planet, and I'm often left wondering if those portions of the fandom that depict them that way would see me that way, too. I've actually become deeply self-conscious of how I exist in the world - after a period of near-complete self-acceptance because of the two of them. The way a large enough portion of the fandom has treated them has made me really...well, it reminds me a lot of how people reacted to me when I was younger, and not in a good way. I grew up being bullied and socially ostracized because I was an undiagnosed autistic kid (diagnosed at age 20 in 2009), and the reasons people rejected me were the same traits that a lot of these people use to infantilize or depict Submas as "scary" (especially Emmet, oh my God).

All fandoms have a lot of casual ableism in them, because fandom has shifted from being a subculture/counterculture to mainstream culture and therefore reflects society as a whole, which can make it so difficult to navigate them if you're disabled. The racism in fandom spaces is rampant, as well, for the same reason. I'm so glad you've got a good group of friends you do stuff with - I do too, and they're the only people I trust to talk to about Ingo and Emmet at all. In general, all the best fandom experiences I've had have been in either tiny fandoms where everyone knew each other or just in small groups of friends, and that's the approach I recommend to everyone going forward - enjoy things, don't just consume them, and share them with people you like!

If you're interested in more posts about the ableism, I'll point you to @neon-moon-beam, who's done a ton of posts about ableism in fandom, as well. A lot of really good stuff here for you!

[newmayhem]

Wardrobe & Styling: Risika PT1

As always, I’ll keep using original names if I’m talking specifically about the original iteration and in quotations and stuff, but I’ll be referring to everyone by their new names in all other situations.

Welp, I guess I'm officially back! In a nutshell, work got really busy and I got distracted by a few other hyperfixations (and I also got a bit self conscious now that I realize this blog actually kind of has an audience). I was going to do a big post explaining what I’ve been up to, but I it was taking too long and I didn’t feel like it, so I guess I’m going to just jump right back in!

I recently started watching a lot of youtube videos about fashion and costuming in movies and tv shows, so I thought it might be cool to do a short series about how I’d dress these characters for my version of the story. Starting, of course, with our girl Risika!

Canon outfits

We don’t get a lot of detailed clothing/outfit descriptions in general, but here’s what we have for her:

Chapter 1 (Now) - Black jeans and a black t-shirt

She doesn’t always wear black, but that was the color of her mood that day.

She also says in this chapter that she wears a silver ring set with a garnet stone

Chapter 15 (1704) - Mens clothes and tangled, unkempt hair

Wearing long skirts was getting too cumbersome for her

Chapter 18 (Now) - Black tank top → cropped body hugging gold tank top with black jeans

Generally keeps her hair its natural old gold color until the end when she adds black stripes to it.

Going off of just this, it seems like Risika is pretty utilitarian when it comes to clothing choices. Very simple, no frills (literally), mostly/exclusively black (contrary to her own narration)…up until when she’s dressing for her fight with Aubrey.

I take this to symbolize Risika’s character journey from being depressed, antisocial, and wanting to hide away from the vampire world (or at least pass through it unnoticed) to embracing her predatory nature and being comfortable with being seen and making her mark as a part of vampire society.

My Version

I want to stay along these same lines as the canon, but add some more nuance and details.

Generally, Roksana favors earth tones and natural materials (to show how attached she is to nature and humanity). She doesn't like things clinging to her too much but she also doesn't like things that are so baggy or flowy that they get in the way (to show her yearning for freedom).

She hates button-ups (too stiff and formal); she likes dresses and skirts in theory, but doesn't often reach for them on a regular day.

For the most part, she likes to keep things simple for her main apparel pieces—solid colors, basic shapes. Shoes and accessories is where she likes to have more ornamentation.

She tends to keep her accessorizing to a minimum because she likes to be able to move unencumbered. She hates carrying bags or wearing hats but she has a pretty extensive shoe repertoire. Her shoes are practical but well-crafted and even ornate.

When it comes to jewelry, gold is her preferred metal. She's not super into precious stones or pearls. She likes wooden or clay beads and semi-precious stones like jasper, jade, or lapis lazuli.

These days, she doesn't wear much makeup, but during time periods where heavy makeup was a thing, she'd wear it in order to blend in.

She typically styles her hair in whatever is fashionable at the time, but prefers to wear it down in its naturally curly/wavy state.

She's more interested in how things feel as opposed to how they look, so comfort, mobility, breathability, and texture are very important to her. She doesn't like feeling trapped.

I really want her wardrobe to speak to her innate longing for freedom and her resilience as well as her connection to the past. I also thought it might be interesting to hint at a secret craving for luxury (a contrast to the idealized image she has of her saintly brother in order to make her feel even more guilty and self hating after she becomes a vampire) and a desire for comfort (or rather, to stay in her comfort zone) but at the same time always being prepared to flee.

1701

I'm still researching the specifics of what was worn at this time/place (it's been surprisingly really difficult to find info about late 17th/early 18th century fashion in Mexico) so I'll probably do a more detailed followup post later on, but Roksana would basically be wearing whatever other people of her social class were wearing in terms of silhouette, fabrics, etc. I don't she would have much flexibility when it comes to self expression at this time (clothing was expensive to make so she probably wouldn't be very trendy or experimental as a working class woman). I think she would favor solid colors over prints and she'd wear almost exclusively earth tones except for a blue rebozo (a long woven shawl of Mexican origin; image below) that was her mother's (blue to represent a touch of the supernatural). No jewelry, either, except for her rosary (although, I'm not sure if this actually counts as jewelry) that was passed down through her father's family.

Because she was raised without her mother and apart from her mother's family, aside from the rebozo, her clothing wouldn't really have many indigenous or African elements to it.

NOW

While she's not into metallics and synthetics, I do picture her style as kind of reminiscent of Y2K era R&B singers, especially in terms of silhouette (small, fitted tops, big pants, chunky shoes), but there are also some goth elements like corset tops, square or high necklines, the occasional puff or bell sleeve. She loves crop tops! For bottoms, she liked wide leg pants, utility/cargo pants, and joggers.

STYLE NARRATIVE

Closer to the beginning of the story, Roksana's outfits are very subdued. It's like she's constantly trying to camouflage. She's also wearing more historical looking clothes to show that she's kind of trapped in the past.

Towards the end, she starts to incorporate some bolder, more eye-catching elements, especially metallics, which also feel more futuristic, like she's finally ready to move forward and she's ready to be seen.

She also starts to dress a little more like Andros, who I picture as having very bold style.

Also, because in my version her hair is dark and curly/wavy, the tiger stripes in her hair aren't going to work out so well, so I was thinking of giving her tattoos, like tiger stripes along one arm, her shoulder and down her back (I have no reference photos for this because everything I could find on pinterest and google images looks stupid). This would not only symbolize her embracing being a predator, but it also shows that she's becoming a little more like Andros (who has tons of tattoos).

This post is already getting too long, so stay tuned for Part 2 where I go into specific outfits!

[proship-angel]

idk only making this post here bc i don't want it on my main blog out of kind of fear? that people might get angry at me for it

but the body positivity tag on tumblr always makes me feel so sick towards myself because of how often i see them push away positivity for any body type outside of fat/plus-sized people

warning for body image issues, eating disorder talk, and body shaming ig? i think those would be the warnings and i'll tag them too

the constant statement of thin privilege in the body positivity tag makes me feel like my experience isn't real and leads to me spiraling on

'am i fully misremembering the only clear years of my life?' or 'have i been taking this wrong?' which i literally should not be questioning some of the clearest memories that spurred on my disordered eating and severe body image issues.

i am tiny in so many ways; height, weight, everything. i am a small person and i've always been self conscious about that because it makes people think i'm a teenager when i'm an adult. i work a job. i can legally drink. i have to start doing taxes. hell i went to college for a year. yet people see me as a sixteen year old based on my appearance and behaviors (i'm audhd so that adds on a whole nother layer)

but despite that self-conscious nature, i get told by my mother constantly that i am going to get fat like it's a purely negative thing. that i am going to become overweight. she constantly comments on my eating habits and it is never that i seem like i'm eating well. it is either "oh you've been eating so little, are you okay?" so i start to eat more in hopes she'll stop. but than she'll go "if you keep eating so much, you'll get fat".

for more clarification on the eating thing. i have a really high metabolism, i always have. i've always had to eat a lot to actually feel satisfied or to keep myself functioning. as i currently have to eat a certain amount within certain time frames or i full on faint from a lack of food. way easier than most people based on what i've heard. so i have to eat a lot yet i'm shamed for it.

the biggest thing was, when i was in middle school (specifically thirteen to fourteen years old) my mother used to have to check me for things. not going into that but i think it's easy to tell what it was. and she saw my stretch marks on my inner thighs near my crotch. my mother has stretch marks herself, she knows what they look like. yet upon seeing my stretch marks she accused me of self-harm and basically implied that i had no reason to have stretch marks. i physically get sick seeing them because i still feel like they are my fault.

i just wonder, am i overreacting? or do i have a genuine right to feel upset that i can't find body positivity to help myself? is there a different tag for what i'm experiencing? (i refuse to touch any eating disorder tags simply because of bad experiences with them)

[wirsindkrieg]

I was glancing through blogs that had responded to my post about not being alterhuman and the follow-up about not being part of the alterhuman community, and I saw a post pointing out that there's significantly more support for people saying "if you don't use [insert label], that's a red flag", while saying "don't call people things they don't want to be called" gets no traction, and wondering why that is. I have some thoughts on that.

There's two major factors I see that play into this. First, it's really easy to fall into an "us vs. them" mentality when you're in a community that gets shit on by people outside of that community. And that kind of thinking leads to a lot of reflexive defensiveness from anyone who openly says they do not want to be part of your community. For someone who is used to constantly having to defend themself, hearing "What I am is like you, but I do not use the label you have chosen for it" can be easily twisted into "You are wrong for using the label you have chosen", often without any conscious thought involved. Combine that with the tendency for people to mostly interact with people with similar views, and that reflexive defensiveness gets reinforced and spread.

The second factor is that people really do not like being told that they have to change. It's hard to hear that you're in the wrong about something, especially when it's accompanied by being told that you need to do something about it. Add to that the natural defensiveness that comes from being in a community that gets shit on, and it just gets harder to swallow. So those kinds of things either get ignored or actively pushed back against (sometimes publicly, often privately).

(As a small aside: That resistance to being told to change is also why it's hard to convince someone to shed bigoted beliefs, especially if they can't see the harm those beliefs cause. A lot of people simply do not want to be told they're doing bad things.)

There's also another minor factor that doesn't apply universally but which still crops up around these things: "queer" discourse. There are a lot of strong feelings around the word "queer", and those opinions tend to be extremely dug in. It's a topic that ties into peoples' inherent sense of self, and to a history of abuse that's still ongoing in some regions. It makes sense that it would be polarizing.

Where the problem comes in is that a lot of the alterhuman community (at least from what I've seen) is very in the "pro-queer" camp. That is, they feel like "queer" should be used openly and broadly, whether because they feel it's been reclaimed, they feel its nature as a divisive term is desirable, or some other reason. I've seen a fair number of alterhumans openly saying that they greatly prefer referring to it as the "queer community" over any other label.

There's a lot of parallels there between the use of "queer" as an umbrella term, and the use of "alterhuman" as an umbrella term. It's obviously not a perfect comparison ("alterhuman" doesn't have a loaded history as a slur, for one), but there's enough there in common to be worth noting. Both communities get shit on by outsiders, the labels are treated as intentionally very broad, and the terms are fairly polarizing. So when someone says "Don't call people things they don't want to be called" in regards to the alterhuman label, it raises a question: Does the same logic apply to "queer" too?

If someone identifies as both queer and alterhuman, and they consider that follow-up question, suddenly that statement has asked them to change regarding two aspects of their sense of self that are likely very important to them. The other two major issues are doubled, and with that comes an extra helping of defensiveness. And so they're even more likely to ignore or push back against it.

The main reason I'm counting that as a minor issue (even though it took a lot more words) is because it's not the root cause of why things get ignored; it just amplifies the problems that are already there. But it's also an element that needs to be considered in all of this, because when it does apply, I expect it has a big impact.

To rephrase most of that in much fewer words: It's a lot easier to accept "Those people are wrong" than it is to accept "You are wrong". The bigger problem is that refusing to hear those kinds of dissenting opinions limits growth. Sometimes, you are wrong, and you need that pointed out so that you can learn from it and become a better person. But in an era where it is terrifyingly easy to build ourselves into echo chambers (sometimes without even realizing we've done it), it becomes very easy to avoid even seeing those dissenting views, let alone engaging with them.

I'm a big believer in the philosophy of "Question everything," and that applies just as much to things we already believe. If you insist that the things you believe should never be questioned, you cut off an important aspect of growing to be a better person: trimming out the things that aren't right, even when it hurts to let it go. We have to be able to make the distinction between "thing that I disagree with" and "thing that is wrong". It's a hard thing to do sometimes, but it's good for us, both as individuals and as a society. I know it's something I still struggle with sometimes, but that's how these things go. It takes time to unlearn bad habits.

So yeah. Don't call people things they don't want to be called. It's literally that simple.

[incoherentbabblings]

Hi!

I love your content, your love for TimSteph, and I was actually going to ask what you love so much about them. I, for extra credit for English, decided to write an analysis of Stephanie (and why I love her so much), but I just got into comics, and cannot really put my feelings for her in words ... which is odd, considering how much I love her and writing. Also, I was going to do a section on why TimSteph is narrative genius, and I needed help elaborating on that too.

Could you help me out, please? Thanks!

(I feel the need to mention that I have read quite a lot of comics with Stephanie in them, though not all. I'm not much of a comic book fan, but I'm really interested in the Batfamily!)

I'll be very happy to write out bullet points that you could talk about, and feel free to go through my ask and I'll babble/TimSteph meta tags for anything that you think may be worth discussing in your own words - there's like four or so years of stuff there to spark your brain.

HOWEVER!!!! Keep in mind though that much of what I have written is half based on textual evidence and half me just writing what I like/wish would crop up in canon.

For example, yes I like to draw comparisons between Tim being cold and Steph being warm, moon and sun and so on, but there's genuinely nothing in text to hint as this being an actual character trait or symbolism. If anything Tim's stated to be warm several times, more than Steph.

So, and I am sorry to be so blunt, but if I take your request in bad faith for a moment, don't use either directly or indirectly what I've written for your work. Especially without actually going and reading the arcs I talk about. A lot of the time it doesn't hold up under genuine textual scrutiny, and we want to be good academics here! There's Death of the Author and then there's me making crap up because I want to include it in a fanfic. Not the same thing! My blog is called IncoherentBabblings for a reason after all!

I will therefore say this: If you want to write about Steph as a character, I would use the below video as a point of reference. Using the below, you can then go into why she resonates with you the way she does, or why her relationship with Tim is so interesting to you.

If I were you: focus on her dynamic character development: cynical to idealistic. And use three points in her publication history to do this: her introduction in Detective Comics, War Games, and Batgirl. I am sorry to recommend War Games as something to read but it is important to her character. Use the Stephanie Brown Wiki to help!

That lends itself to a biography of her character, a look at her motivations and values, her role within the batfam, and so on. You can also use this to make comparisons with her peers, specifically Tim moving in the exact opposite direction development wise; Babs and Cass in their approaches to Batgirl; and the other Robins through her similar character progression as Dick, which in turn allows her to be a good mentor to Damian, and finally how her character arc runs perpendicular to Jason's. Does that make sense?

Anyway, let's get going! If I were to write an academic piece on Stephanie, these are the main points I would work through. In other words, this is what I would do. You probably will not need nor want to go into this level of depth, and you will want to make it much more personal about why she resonates with you, which may be different to why I love her. So don't worry about touching base with all of them. This is like... 10,000 word essay level stuff. And don't get overwhelmed. I've taken your request far too seriously is all.

Again, I can't write it for you! You gotta do the reading and writing I'm afraid.

...But I still wrote 1,500 words anyway. Gosh darnnit.

Steph’s Character Development

Always keep three points in her character history in mind – her aged 14/15 in her introductory arc in Detective Comics, her aged 16 in War Games, and her aged 18/19 in her Batgirl run.

How does she change? How does she grow as a character? What events caused these changes? Compare that angry 14-year-old trying to choke her father, to the 19-year-old crying happily on the roof. A lot happened between those two points! Outline the main plot beats.

Steph's Role as a Batfam Character:

Protagonist or Antagonist: Supporting Protagonist

Static or Dynamic: Dynamic (think of her character development - angry to alturistic; she softens in her life outlook and in the way she treats others as the years go by)

Minor or Major: Minor and we all mourn that fact :(

Foil or Symbolic: A foil to Tim Drake (and to a lesser extent the other Robins, specifically Jason Todd)

Importance of the character/Position in Society: Fourth Robin, third Batgirl, own superhero. Tim's girlfriend, Cassandra's best friend, one of many of Bruce's 'children'. Initially introduced just as a one-off character for a small arc in Detective Comics, brought back with the intention of being a supporting character to Tim Drake, and eventual love interest. Eventually gained enough popularity on her own terms to support her own solo comic, but has since returned to a supporting role. The character she supports, at the end of the day, is Bruce Wayne.

Motivation

What influences their decisions?: Stephanie's dynamic characterisation comes in here. Compare her motivations during her introductory arc, versus why she does what she does in War Games, versus why she dresses up at Batgirl - Stopping her father, getting Batman's approval, need for redemption.

What do they value?: Values emotional openness, vulnerability, second/third/fourth chances.

Goals/Hopes/Dreams: No long term goals/hopes/dreams in the domestic sense... Continue to be vigilante. Be respected by her peers. Continue to improve self worth through deeds. Graduate college?

What are their views: Views the justice system and police as corrupt, but still trusts in the inherent goodness of people. Focus is usually on the individual, rather than societal or structural.

Actions

Behaviour, Attitudes, Impact on Story and other Characters, Internal Struggle (Wants versus Needs): This is why I think you are best to look at three points in her story - Intro Arc, War Games, Batgirl. Focus on her Wants versus Needs - Steph's take a very long time to align, but they finally do in Batgirl.

Character development is usually driven by the conflict between what a character wants. The plot forces them normally to confront the fact that what they want is not gonna work out, and what they needed instead takes priority.

Everything usually goes tits up for Steph when she is in the driver's seat of the narrative because what she wants from a situation is rarely what she actually needs to happen. See every time she seeks Bruce's approval. She wants it. She absolutely does not need it. And only as Batgirl do we get that acknowledgement, which coincides with her being at the healthiest point in her life emotionally. Look at what she wants as Spoiler during her introductory arc, as Robin/Spoiler during War Games, and then as Batgirl. Why is she so unhappy in the former two? Why have her wants finally aligned with her needs with her time as Batgirl?

Character Traits

Personality: Cynical but perky. Sardonic but sincere. Think about how she changes over the time. This can be attributed to her different writers, but - for example - is there a universe reason for why Batgirl Stephanie is so much more socially awkward than Spoiler Stephanie?

Strengths & Weaknesses: Link these two together because Steph is a very good example where her strengths as a character can simultaneously be a weakness. Her determination can lead to her making ill conceived decisions. Her empathy can lead to her putting her trust in the wrong people. Her forgiving nature can lead to her being taken advantage of. Her temper, whilst landing her in hot water, can also just as often get her out of it.

Relationships

How do they interact with others: Focus on which characters pop up in all three arcs – Steph and her parents; Steph and Bruce; Steph and Tim. I am chucking Cass out the window here, sorry Cass, but if you’re focusing on these three arcs, Cass doesn’t really fit in.

How others view them: Conditional love/affection from her father and Bruce. Unconditional love/affection from Tim and her mother (though both are not without serious pitfalls).

How they view others: Stephanie has explicitly never loved her father. She has also never explicitly hated him either. What does that say about her? Look at her changing closeness with her mother. What changed between them, and again, what does that say about Stephanie? Crystal got sober, supported Stephanie through her pregnancy, Arthur was removed from their lives, Stephanie makes a conscious effort to be closer to her after returning ‘from the dead’, though continues to lie consistently to her. Stephanie admires Bruce, whilst also right from the get go insisting she does not answer to him. She never quite lets go of wanting that approval.

How does society view them: Her outsider role within the Batfam. She never quite belongs, and at points her closest relationships are actively discouraged from seeing her. Which Tim specifically never entertains. This outsider nature bites literally everyone in the butt during War Games. Her outsider status is still in place by the time Batgirl concludes, due to its largely self-contained nature as a book, but this is less being an outsider more having earned to right to operate independently. Trust has been given and earned.

Dialogue

What does she say and how: A teenage girl in New Jersey from a working class background has a very distinct voice. She does not mince words, nor does she hide what she is feeling. If she is happy, she will say so. If she is annoyed, she will say so. What she won’t do is ask for help when she needs it, due to her background formulating a need for her ‘to do things on her own’.

Think of famous/important Steph quotes from the three arcs I keep talking about – the excuse me if I don’t jump when you bark, the I really was part of the legend, the only variable you can control is yourself. These show how Steph views others and herself.

When I was writing I Would Have Loved You, I literally made a spreadsheet where I have picked out what I think are pertinent quotes from every New 52 issue featuring Tim or Steph along with a synopsis that explained what they were up to/what the main theme of the issue was. Not saying you should do the same because I’m just that goddamn anal when it comes to this sort of stuff, but the point is – look for quotes by/about Steph which highlight the above things we’ve talked about. You have thirty years to go through!

Author Intention

What purpose does this character serve?: A character that young female readers could get attached to – the every girl/girl next door archetype or a character that young boys could have a crush on – the kind of girl who’s into the same sort of stuff as you, I think Chuck Dixon once said of her, from her initial appearance. Fodder for Bruce and Tim’s man pain in War Games. Batgirl it’s a combination of filling the void for a female lead solo character in the batbooks, but also tonally taking on a much lighter and self-contained book that new readers could jump into very easily, directly compared to the more lore heavy Batman, Detective Comics, and Red Robin books.

What is the author trying to communicate: Steph’s character shows that determination can only get a person so far, a support system and doing things for the right reasons (again remember that want versus need argument) is the only way a person will genuinely succeed.

What is her main theme?: Balancing cynicism and idealism – doing acts for the right reasons, and discovering what these reasons actually are.

...

Is this even usable for anyone but myself? Possibly not!

Still... Go write! And good luck!

[boop-le-snoot]

masterpost • main masterlist • taglist & faq

previously on...

Chapter 1! Reader's job has no chill and Wanda means well (Tony does too), but, as we know, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Reader discovers the source of some peculiar things and can't help but be overcome with curiosity. F-bombs galore!

Fun fact: this story's main soundtrack is Claire de Lune, for some reason. Usually I can't stand classical music.

I didn't anticipate my first day at the bodega to be remarkful in any way but I was quickly proven wrong. My expectations were low: few customers, some of them flat-earthers of the garden variety, perhaps one or two of those 'witches' from social media blogging platforms and an overzealous Satanist or two, since I was pretty sure I saw an Ouija board and a silver pentagram hanging in Odette's office on the day of the interview.

Boy was I wrong.

We averaged a customer every fifteen minutes with each person requesting increasingly strange items: healing quartz and sage were on the closer end of normal; I felt like I had teleported to Hogwarts and was now attending Professor Snape's Advanced Potions class, having to race between the high shelves and memorize the exact location of each and every ingredient. In the end, I sacrificed a few dollars and bought one of the beautiful, leather-bound notebooks off Odette to write down the shelf and position number for the most commonly requested items and planned to begin memorizing them at home.

There's a little bit of Ravenclaw in all of us, I supposed. My curiosity only extended further: sometimes, a haggard looking person would come up and declare they had an appointment with Odette and was quickly whisked away by my boss to her office, coming out looking slightly less haggard in about half an hour or so.

I adapted to the routine fairly quickly, choosing to make my personal peace with the strange customers and Odette's mysterious meetings: after all, I got the job because I needed money - who was I to judge her for doing Tarot readings and spiritual séances for an extra dollar?

The bodega's atmosphere did grow on me rather quickly, as I had thought it would. It was warm and homely even on the rainiest afternoons, there was an unlimited supply of herbal tea, free of charge, and I grew to appreciate it just like I learned to find the positives in my job at the café. That remained a constant, mildly interesting affair too - my regulars, especially the superheroes, had started coming in during the morning hours and we were able to resume our chit-chats without a hitch.

Wanda still fished for my most recent, memorable reading and Dr. Banner left his incomprehensible scribbles on every napkin within an arm's reach for me to return to him on his next visit. The fully grown man with multiple PhDs didn't fail to blush like a schoolgirl every single time it happened, causing Mr. Stark to double on his own salacious jokes, should the engineer have had come with. They often came together, blabbering things I couldn't even fathom understanding even with the help of Google.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Wanda sounded surprisingly chipper for it was freaking seven in the morning.

I blanched, banging my arm against the display door painfully with a softly muttered, "Fuck!".

The witch frowned. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I muttered, hoping my face wasn't portraying the mixture of confusion and fear that I felt. "Something weird happened at my other job yesterday, I'm still processing," I replied honestly, looking to the side.

In fairness, I didn't know what to think. The situation wasn't something that should have shocked me, with aliens and magic people an abundance in NYC, but seeing it with my own two eyes had been jarring.

A limping, paranoid young man had arrived for an appointment with Odette shortly before closing time; I had escorted him to her office without as much as a blink, only noticing he was dripping oddly colored blood when the door behind him had closed. I cleaned it up, dead set on confronting Odette about the obviously injured person - the blood, it was more of an attempt to clean it, since it merely stuck to the rag, refusing to wash off it with water or any of the organic cleaning solutions kept under the sink.

I had to leave the rag in a paper bag, acutely aware of the fact it could not have belonged to a normal person. My best guess was that a man was a mutant - NYC had plenty of them living behind a blue wall. Odette's office wasn't soundproof: I heard a pained yelp and then a vocalisation of relief as whatever was causing the man to bleed had been removed. In a few minutes while I was closing the cash register, he came out looking almost brand new - and as I paid him a more careful look, he was missing his scleras, leaving his eyes to look slightly terrifying.

And then he winked at me, a surprisingly human, boyish gesture - the smile that crawled up my face was purely automatic. I was sure it looked frozen. He disappeared without a word as Odette herself emerged from the backrooms, a tired sheen to her brow.

"Did you manage to clean up?" She asked, eyebrows raised at the lack of stains on the hardwood floors.

"It stuck to the rag," I replied, eyeing her warily. "The rag is in the unmarked bag next to the sink. I didn't know what else to do with it."

"Sometimes it does that," her sigh was very telling. This was to be expected to become a regular occurrence. She motioned for the notebook I got to keep track of everything in the store, rattling off a recipe for a cleaner and solvent combo, made purely from the items she had inside the store, giving me stern instructions to add the ingredients in the exact order I was told. I sighed but added the footnote. Odette was a far cry from the greasy git from Hogwarts so she deserved the benefit of the doubt at least.

I didn't dare to ask any more questions about the strange man; not that day, not after I had suprised Wanda with a quick recap of my story. It's not like I had anything against mutants - as long as they were peaceful and didn't harm humans with their abilities, I was content to co-habit, share my space and even be friends with them. A very nice old lady who came by three times a week had gills peeking out of the top of her turtleneck and she was just the most polite, sweetest thing.

Wanda's curiosity was understandable and not suspicious in any way: I was under the impression she was a mutant, too, along with her twin brother - so the feeling of dread that blossomed within me as soon as the two suited figures entered the small store I attributed to the larger size of the man and vulture eyes of the woman. They both appeared extremely out of place with their black two-pieces and badly hidden pistol holsters, topped off with badges I couldn't take a good look at without losing my customer service facade.

I decided to play it dumb, self-conscious of the thudding of my heart in my ribcage. My body screamed 'danger' at me. "Hello, how can I help you?"

The woman cast an observant look over me, my plain clothes, lingering on my star-patterned scarf and matching hair band. "Are you the owner of this store?"

"No," I frowned, not liking where this was going. "Do you have an appointment with Odette?"

"We'd like to see her," the man pointedly moved his arm, exposing the gun and the badge.

I dropped the nice act, staring him down in earnest. I never liked self-righteous, pushy government officials; even less so, when they didn't follow protocol and started the conversation with demands instead of proper introductions. As I shot a quick text to Odette, noting that there were 'strange people in uniform' looking for her, my suspicions were only confirmed when the woman looked around the store with eyes that knew what they were looking for. Those two definitely weren't cops or even feds, they were straight up shady.

Odette all but flew to the bodega, the imposing, suffocating aura I'd seen only once on full display. It was hard to breathe standing so close to her; with muted satisfaction, I noticed both agents squirm, their fingers twitching, as they took in shuddering inhales through their, undoubtedly, lying mouths.

The whole spectacle was over quickly. I had managed to serve and quickly usher out Ike, one of the Satanists (yes, we did, in fact, have a few of those as regulars) with his paper bag full of powdered goat horn and a fresh cat skull under his armpit before the curtains parted and the two agents left without saying a word. I thought their eyes looked - wrong, like glass marbles, dull, lifeless and unseeing.

Odette dismissed my worries with a frivolously waved hand: "They won't be bothering us anytime soon," closing the door to her office - it reeked of strong incense and horseradish, for some reason. Like she'd been making some hell salad in front of the two nosy officials.

I took a deep breath in and then a deep breath out. The weirdness should've bothered me more, I knew, but I couldn't bring myself to decide whether I wanted to know what that interaction was actually about or live in blissful ignorance, where my boss might be some sort of a mutant or an actual witch that helps other mutants.

The longer I thought about it, the louder anti-mutant propaganda articles screamed at me: children being killed or abandoned because one day, they woke up and could fly or move things with their mind; every potential situation could end up like Carrie or Brightburn - two movies so blatantly obvious in their point to instill fear against children that could grow to work alongside Earth's Mightiest Defenders.

Needless to say, my conscious calmed down pretty quickly. I had felt the hairs on my nape stand up as soon as the agents entered the room and in my experience, a reaction like that was never good. I had been taught to trust my gut.

Odette had cancelled her visits for the day, holing up in her office as the whole store rapidly filled up with the stench of horseradish, old blood and sage. The occasional noise came from the office, interrupted by mumbling, and I was quickly told to just turn up the old, vintage radio if it bothered me.

I was too busy taking in the contents of her office - the table that previously stood in the far end of it, stood in the middle, folded out into the shape of a circle. Something was drawn on it, something the color of dried blood, and there were light candles, white and blue, littered on almost every possible surface. The air was clouded with incense smoke, so thick, it made my eyes water.

Odette's grin was sardonic as she met my eyes, wide and shocked, that had previously landed on what looked like a pot- or a cauldron, emanating the strongest bitter stench that wafted even through the lead curtain of incense. No wonder the whole store reeked.

Before she gently shut the door in my face, I caught the centerfold of the whole show - an extremely large, tattered, leatherbound tome with yellowed pages and a heavy metal padlock laying next to it. Overcome by stupor, I didn't manage to make out the intricate silver letters on its cover.

Needless to say, walking home that day was an adventure. In part, I was cautious that the agents would find me, follow me home, interrogate me - I've never been arrested even by usual cops and it was unlikely that shady government agencies were delicate in their approach. A larger part of my brain was wondering about the implications of what I had seen, I'd nearly chewed off my fingernails remembering the vacant, lost face expressions on the agents' faces.

As soon as I got home, I set to do some serious googling. And find information, I did. Plethora of minor details - candle colors, herbs used, deeply individual incantations and mythical deities that chose to work with a particular witch. It was nothing short of a whole science; I'd go as far as to say it was a complete lifestyle. The use of magick bled into every aspect of daily life, from sleep to food to communication with others.

Part of me felt incredulity at the implication of sacrificing so much to get results that might be the opposite of the ones desired. A larger, braver part of me - the very same that used to push me to explore abandoned buildings with my friends and drink booze given by a stranger - admired the work and the dedication my boss and her kind put into their work.

Having received my first paycheck and successfully having made it through rent day without having to make excuses, my conscious allowed me to treat myself to a few items - I decided to give into my curiosity and placed an order for a few books on modern witchcraft, happily waiting for the package to arrive next afternoon. I went to sleep with my head full and a new world at my feet to explore.

The books were late - or more like, never showed. The refund couldn't come soon enough. My curiosity began to reach unbearable levels the longer I worked the front desk at Odette's. These days I didn't need much assistance anymore, ready to help any new or returning customer with the help of my notebook. Time after time, I noticed a certain working order, a pattern to things if you may - and was able to recommend a few things here and there. In short, I stepped over my initial apprehension and dove into the world of natural remedies and energetic manipulation headfirst.

It made all the sense that Odette would start to take absence from the bodega as my training progressed. On the days she had fewer or no appointments, she would don her favourite scarf and trot out the front door, large purse in tow, to run errands or restock on the rare, pricy items that couldn't get delivered directly to the shop. I'd grown accustomed to locking up on my own; the spare key to the entrance door was my pride and joy, the dull silver a warm comfort hanging on a chain around my neck. Its antique design made a fairly pretty necklace.

The customer coming to pick up a special order hardly disrupted my time. I had Janis Joplin blaring from the old radio, my skirt swayed to the rhythm of the song together with me. The elevated mood while working in the shop was something I appreciated fully - with a kind smile, I departed for the backrooms to search for the package with the customer's name, not finding it anywhere near the proper place. A call later, I was opening Odette's office and extracting the paper-wrapped shoebox from the fridge, passing it into the customer's arms with utmost care: 'FRAGILE. KEEP REFRIGERATED AT ALL TIMES.' read on it in Odette's sharp cursive.

The bell above the door rang as the woman departed but I was already inching behind the curtain, overcome by sudden inquisitiveness.

The book. It stood right in the middle of Odette's desk, shut, but missing its padlock, beckoning with the thick gothic letters spelling out 'PRACTICAL ALCHEMY'. I noticed it as soon as I stepped into the office, confused and puzzled by my own unbearable desire to approach it immediately. I knew something was amiss, yet, my legs had a mind of their own and my hands firmly placed themselves upon the heavy cover of the book, seemingly without the input from my brain.

"What the hell..." I muttered to myself, finding the books contents to be - for the lack of a better word - peculiar. "Protect a babe born on all Hallows Eve..." I numbly mouthed the first words that my eyes registered. The pages made a soft noise as my shaking fingers turned them, one after the other. "Bestow healing upon a barren womb... Punish a thief..." There were - spells, and potions, and so many plants I've never even heard about before.

The pages turned and handwritings changed - at the start, words were written out precisely, the cursive neat and sharp, obviously written by an ink pen. Some things were scribbles, pencil or charcoal, so barely intelligible I had to guess about a third of the words written. Towards the end of the book pages made with a typewriter appeared - blocky letters and numbers, language modern, ash and cigarette smell coming from the paper.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. The longer my hands touched the pages, the stronger the tingling sensation became - I failed to notice it at first, attributing it to the exhilaration of finding something so strange yet so precious, but as I was finishing a page that contained a fairly short spell for protection of a witches' home, the discomfort of my palms rose into a mild stinging pain.

"Fuck," I yelped, casting a look at my fingers. They were hot, angry, as if I had briefly touched boiling oil - and the skin on my fingertips began to blister, little white pustules forming where I had gingerly held the pages of the book in place. "What the fuck?" Was my reasonable question to nobody in particular.

The books contents were, no doubt, interesting but I was more concerned with the state of my hands - had I ignored the pain for five more minutes, I might have had to go to the hospital to treat what was beginning to look like a second-degree burn. I slammed it shut none-too-gently, placing it exactly as I found it and winced when barely a second of touching it brought on more excruciating pain.

The healing peppermint oil salve I knew people bought for mild burns only soothed the initial sting, so I had to suffer until I clocked out, stopping by a drugstore on my way home to purchase some much-needed burn cream. And while it didn't make it worse, I knew that my next day at work was going to be Hell.

Most thankful, however, I was to my voice-to-text option on my cell. Not only it allowed me to communicate with my friends without hurting my abused skin even more, but it also dutifully saved the short, simple spell that was supposed to protect my house. There was no harm in trying it, I supposed, after seeing what I didn't doubt was the book's own protection wreak havoc on my snoopy little hands.

The tag list is open until the story is finished.

@couldntbedamned @mikariell95 @letsby @sleep-i-ness @toomanyrobins @mostly-marvel-musings @persephonehemingway @schemefrenzy @lillsxd @bluecrazedandbeautiful @slothspaghettiwrites

[astroismypassion]

Hi I'm the June 17th birthday. I couldn't respond to your message on Kofi but I am totally fine with you putting my reading on your blog. Thank you for doing your best to work around the messages issue!

Hi!

Thank you for buying me this delicious hot beverage. I drank irish cream black coffee with rice milk while writing your interpretation. I hope you will enjoy reading it as much as I did writing! I listened to some old George Ezra while writing. ;)

Your dominant planets are: 1. Sun, 2. Jupiter and 3. Pluto. Your dominant signs are: 1. Scorpio, 2. Gemini and 3. Leo. Your main mode is Fixed. You are Water dominant.

FAMILY, SIBLINGS, EARLY LIFE

You have Aquarius IC. You had an unconventional, unique upbringing. Your 4th house is in Aquarius and Pisces. You like to play on your own. Or you created an imaginary world for yourself. Or you could have escaped through music, arts, TV series or film. You were sheltered from what was really going on around you. You might have a hard time establishing healthy boundaries with your family members. They seem to completely merge with you and rely on you emotionally or be completely cold and detached. There were many traditions and superstitions in your family that might have been passed down through generations. If you have any siblings, they are Capricorn, Aquarius or Pisces. In your elementary and high school years you might have been drawing a lot during classes you didn’t find stimulating. Or you daydream often. You were a mature and responsible student. You seemed a lot older than your peers. You might have viewed your schoolmates as weird sometimes, but they viewed you the same back. You might have often asked yourself if you’re the “weird one” or they are. You have Uranus in the 4th house. You may have changed residence or moved around often, even change schools. There were a lot of unpredictable, sudden changes and events in your early life that were hard to control (and to grasp). You have Sun square Moon. Your mother and father have different personalities and traits. They did not agree on the parenting style, how to raise you. They might have had different views. You have Sun conjunct Mercury. Your father emphasized the importance of communication or that you keep good relations with your siblings. This is also a writer’s placements! You can flatter or cut deep with words. You know how to appeal through words and find exactly the right words. You can sometimes think you “feel” words, because some words would be funny to you or have a “weird” sound to it. You might visualize a lot in your mind. Words, think in imagery and pictures and you have a strong, vivid imagination. You have Sun conjunct Mars. He probably met your open emotional expression with resistance.

PARTNERSHIPS AND FRIENDSHIPS Your friends are Pisces, Aries, Cancer, Sagittarius, Libra and Virgo. In your romantic relationships you attract Taurus, Gemini, Leo, Virgo and Aries. You have Taurus Venus in the 7th house. You desire, respect and value (also attract) stable, loyal, stubborn, highly opinionated people. Those who like to debate with you. People that have “go to” phrases and are polite, kind, have good manners. You might easily sense fragile egos, self esteem and weak points of other people. You have Gemini Mars in the 8th house. This is how you take action. How you approach your crush. You like to play mind games a bit, use a bit of world play and double entendre. You like to know everything about them and how their mind works. You wonder how they are thinking, what their thought process is. You like to have shared learning experiences with potential partners or dates where you go to an escape room or take a cooking class together and learn a new skill. You like to constantly evolve, expand and regenerate. You need a mental connection and great mental rapport to introduce physical intimacy into a relationship. You have Aries Moon in the 5th house. You have the potential of a serial dater. You need some passion, excitement and playful energy to get the connection started. But even in the early stages of your love affairs, you need a great deal of emotional comfort. You have to feel safe and secure around the person, like they are your family already. You know what you like and you might cut off people instantly when you notice red flags or just something that you don’t like. You know you can’t save people, so you understand the person needs to help themselves first. Otherwise, they would become another one of your problems. You have Venus sextile Jupiter. You might be very generous when you’re in love. You like to spoil your partner and take them out for dinner often. You might be over generous or over loving. With you money, time, affection, attention, praise and compliments. You have Venus square Uranus. You might like some odd, quirky, hard to figure of people. You are fascinated by those. You might have a long distance relationship at some point. Or you could date your friends or online date. You might even have a platonic connection with someone before it being romantic. You have Venus trine Neptune. You might idealize your partner or they do that to you. You might view them through rose tinted glasses. You are attracted to musicians, artists, singers, creators and people who play instruments.

CAREER, PROFESSIONAL LIFE, PUBLIC IMAGE

You have Pluto in the 2nd house. You fear poverty, homelessness and being hungry. You are very private when it comes to your financial matters. You don’t discuss it openly or ever. It’s a weird topic for you. Sometimes you fear it, it’s like you’re scared of what it can do. You are very passionate about gaining financial stability. Sometimes your dreams scare you or you might think “too big” or see just the bigger picture and forget to focus on the now as well. You have Sagittarius and Capricorn over your 2nd house. You might be over indulgent and flashy when you have money to spend. But with Capricorn there you also work hard for it. You have Leo MC. You might gain recognition for your accomplishments. You could also be attracted to film, theatre, drama, modelling. Or politics, governmental jobs, administration. Even publishing, media, public relations and public affairs. You could be a representative for a company. You might like to post on your social media. But you perfect your image, caption and you check for grammar errors. You like to be seen as creative, funny, healthy, bright and hard working. You have Virgo North Node in the 10th house. This indicates your life purpose. In this lifetime you are called to organise, to establish healthy boundaries with others, routine, daily habits. To take care of your daily duties, responsibilities, your health and even your pets if you have any. If you don’t. You’d benefit from owning a pet greatly, so that it calms down your Virgo mental restlessness. You could work in accounting, counselling, therapy, even health fields, such as nutrition, dietetics, nursing etc. You could be interested in physical and mental wellbeing. You could be into fitness and wellness. You might like communication, publishing, bookkeeping or even library work. You could use your keen eye for details. You have Leo and Virgo over your 10th house. You will shine and be in the spotlight, yet you’ll have to learn humility as well. Sometimes you might feel underappreciated or undervalued by authority figures, such as your parents, mentors, teachers, bosses. You might feel like you are putting much more effort in your responsibilities and work than you get credit for it. You have Aries and Taurus over the 6th house. This means you like a stable job, because it means stable income (Taurus in the 6th, Capricorn in the 2nd). But at some point in your life, you might desire to be your own boss, be self employed or become a businessperson, since it gives you the freedom of expression, expansion you value (Aries in the 6th house, Sagittarius in the 2nd house). You might even do something athletic or sporty daily or even as a part of your job! You have Cancer Mercury in the 8th house. You need to communicate a lot with your intimate partners. You like to think about your family, siblings, your home, your comforts and safety. You like talking about deep, occult and taboo topics. You might entertain the idea of conspiracy theories as well. You have an excellent memory. You can remember scents, colours, how people made you feel like no other. You have a long term memory. You have Mercury square Jupiter. Sometimes you might be a bit judgemental or be prone to overthinking and overanalyzing. You might also read between the lines. You have Mercury sextile Saturn. You have great power and focus to concentrate for long periods of time when you have a tunnel vision.

ADDITIONAL OBSERVATIONS

You have Pluto, Jupiter and Saturn currently transiting your 3rd house. You might spend more time alone and less with your friends, siblings and family members. You might have to work hard daily or commute to another city for work or just travel daily to a different part of the city. You might reevaluate and reconsider, rethink and transform your attitude to the local community, neighbourhood, city, to your siblings, peers, schoolmates. You might meet some new people, some new friends too, when Jupiter enters the scene since it’s a one and a half to two years long transit. You have Scorpio Chiron in the 1st house. You might not like your own name, or there is a visible spot, mark on your face, body that you don’t like. Or you could have been picked on by others for that. You might not like your physical appearance and you’re self conscious about it. You often nit pick it. At some point in life you might have had an identity crisis or just really doubted your personality, ego, self worth, character and traits. You might have been bullied or the power was taken away from you. You often felt powerless. Or scared of your own potential and power. You have Taurus Ceres in the 7th house. This represents how you wish to be nurtured and how you nurture others. You like to cook for them, buy them food, share meals with them and buy them little gifts. You like to listen to them. You might be a therapist for many. I’m sure you received compliments as “you’d be an excellent therapist”. You might empathize with them and really try to understand the other’s perspective and where they are coming from. You like to put yourself in others' shoes. You have Virgo Juno in the 11th house. This indicted your “ideal soulmate”, ideal partner, be it platonic or romantic. You like someone friendly, intelligent, who isn’t afraid to discuss social issues, society and question it all. You like someone who is clean, smells nice and grooms themselves. You like platonic, friendly connections at first. You need a lot of mental simulation. You have Libra Lilith in the 12th house. You might have been accused that you lack ambition. But you just don’t like competition that much or participation in the rat race. You value the inner core and being. You have rich inner workings. You have Leo Part of Fortune in the 9th house. This is where you experience good luck and charm. You might be praised for your views, beliefs, opinions on life. How you choose to constantly expand your horizons. You are at your happiest when you travel, even when you get lost in a good book, TV series or a foreign film. You like to constantly learn something new and you’ll be a life long student.

CHART RULER

Your chart ruler is Pluto. The chart ruler of the 1st house is in the 2nd house. Your ego is directly tied to your self worth, financial status, your talents. You might develop your personality, character, ego, self esteem through 2nd house topics, such as working on your talents and pursuing new skills, earning money and becoming financially independent, self care and developing your own set of values.

HOUSE RULERS

The house ruler of the 1st house is in the 2nd house. The way you look depends on your self-esteem. Life is oriented to discovering personal values and creating self-esteem. Appearance is a source of security issues. The house ruler of the 2nd house is in the 5th house. You use your money for artistic projects. You are possessive of creative projects. Financial security depends upon your personal creativity. The house ruler of the 3rd house is in the 6th house. Daily conversation revolves around work and health. Your mind is oriented to daily life. Thoughts are oriented to daily routine and work. You are curious about diet and nutrition. You have an efficient mind. You take information and organize it. You have an actively curious mind. The house ruler of the 4th house is in the 4th house. You want a home of your own. Private time is spent with family. Home and family bring up strong core feelings, for better or worse. You want a family for the sake of having a family. The house ruler of the 5th house is in the 3rd house. Creative talents and gifts are hidden. Hobbies revolve around the taboo or occult. The house ruler of the 6th house is in the 8th house. The daily work environment must serve your need to form deep relationships. You use your knowledge of diet, nutrition and exercise to help other people transform. You want an intense work environment. The house ruler of the 7th house is in the 7th house. The partner needs to be willing negotiate and cooperate with you. Marriage partners are business partners, business partners are marriage partners. You want to be with someone who is cooperative. You want a partner who is a good negotiator. The house ruler of the 8th house is in the 8th house. You enter sexual relationships for sex. You get emotionally entangled with other people to form deep connections. Your attitude to life and death affects your ability to deeply connect with other people. The house ruler of the 9th house is in the 5th house. You are philosophical about the way you raise children. You find meaning through the creative arts. You like to take romantic getaways. You enjoy the artistic expression of other cultures. Traveling is for leisure and pleasure. The house ruler of the 10th house is in the 8th house. You bring a professional approach to depth psychology. You find your true vocation by exploring occult subjects. Your career revolves around the need for intensity of experience. Your career involves working with other people’s emotional baggage. Your true vocation involves depth interactions with other people. You achieve recognition as a researcher. You receive awards for your work with people on the fringe of society. The house ruler of the 11th house is in the 8th house. You associate with people who are involved in the occult. Your friends have emotional baggage. You keep your group involvements hidden. You don’t talk about your long term hopes and wishes. The house ruler of the 12th house is in the 7th house. Your partner desires to escape from reality as much as you do. You lose your boundaries when it comes to significant relationships. Your grief and sorrow affect your relationships. The desire to escape reality affects your ability to maintain a serious relationship.

[atinyidea]

six things tag!

thank you to the ever wonderful mc @the-atiny for tagging me!

rules of the game: list six (6) things about yourself and tag your mutuals!

I’ll tag - @bri-ne  @atinyluna  @celestial-yunho @ateezartblog @sanbotaged @san--shine @ateellaz @iis4d @honeyjoongie @lilhwahwa @smol-joong and anyone who wants to do it!! also! a reminder that if you don’t want to do it you don’t have to! 

under the cut bc wow this got long!

I was actually born in South Africa! I don’t really have the accent anymore but it’s still there in my vowels! Speaking of my accent, I’m often told I sound extremely posh even though I come from the midlands where it’s literally the land of the not-poshies sjskjsks... when I talk to my over-seas friends they always tell me I sound like the stereotypical British Person and I can never get away from it lmao

I’m really jumpy, like, always... loud noises like alarms or phone calls or car doors can make me jump... balloons popping or the sound of a stone hitting the window... my mum says that I’m just very attuned to sounds but a lot of people constantly tell me to just stop being jumpy and paranoid and that makes me sad bc I don’t know how to stop it? but a plus side! I can hear a knock on the door or a phone call from the other side of the house so I never miss anyone that wants me!

In January this year, I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and depression... I waited a long time to actually go to the doctor because I was scared that they would tell me something was indeed wrong with me and all my fears would be coming true and that I would actually die at the age of 19... I won’t talk to anyone in my life and I shut a lot of my friends out for a solid half a year and I still feel really bad about that. BUT! after I finally got some help I’ve been doing so much better! I’m not afraid to talk about it because I know I’m not the only one going through this! talking really helps me but sometimes I just don't feel like talking so I write. This whole blog has helped me so much more than anyone knows and the people I’ve met and befriended are so lovely it makes me want to actually try in life... (wow that got heavy)

So Bonnie is actually just a nickname! My real name is kinda long and it’s Irish so either everybody can’t say it right or spell it right... I actually really like my real name right now but there was a time in my life that I HATED it! I think it had to do with the fact that my dad named me and I hated him too for a whole chunk of my childhood?? who knows.

while I’m learning to love myself more I still get really self-conscious about myself and my body... I try to accept every compliment I get given now and give back two-fold but sometimes I just don’t think I'm worthy??? of compliments??? I put on a lot of weight during the past year and it’s taking me forever to actually do something about it... like one day I’ll be pumped up and go for a thirty-minute run and then I’ll get home and decided to dye my hair again and then the next day I can’t make myself get out of bed?? it really messes me up skjlksjd like my main life goal is to smile everyday... I want to make people smile and laugh and show people that things can always have a ray of sunshine even in the darkest of storms... but doing that for myself can be really tough!

sometimes I still feel scared to talk about my sexuality with my family... when I ‘came out’ the first person I told was my grandma while we were gardening... we were talking about friends and then we got to the topic of significant others and I just blurted out that I really liked a girl without thinking and like it was silent for a whole ass minute... I clarified what I said and she just shrugged it off and told me to keep shovelling and I burst into tears. (I told my mum in a jacuzzi lmao she was like ‘oh cool’) but when it comes to my dad’s side of the family I don’t even think they have the slightest incline... my stepmother is quite homophobic and my nanna (my dad's mother) can say some rather homophobic things at times and I get scared just being in the room with them sometimes??? though I’m like 79% sure my dad knows because we talk about really pretty girls like all the time like my gay ass isn’t subtle about it AT ALL. so yeah,,, that’s a fear.

I can overshare a lot and then I feel like everyone gets annoyed skshfks sorry, you guys don’t have to read it if you don’t want to!

thank you for reading and tagging me!!

[allthebrazilianpolitics]

Ramble of the mod

Can't even title this post as a message because it's not a warning of any kind, it's actually just... some thoughts

It's just that. Wow. We got to 1,666 followers (*insert common Tumblr meme of zoomed face in eyes looking sideways that I couldn't find online but that is usually used in contexts of detecting malicious interpretations*)

And like... it's not even just about the followers. I think what hits me the most is that... You guys take the blog seriously. You guys visit this blog as one credible source for information, and you guys learn with it. Many times I get people asking me very serious and hard questions, genuinely confused about something, wanting answers, and trusting me as someone who can help (btw anons who asked me about suing the government and about trustworthy journalistic sources, I got your asks and I did not forget them! I just often take forever to reply, even because of what I'm describing in this ramble). It's really gratifying and I take this blog extremely seriously, but gods, it's a hell of a responsibility. And I think it's even more of a responsibility considering I'm neither a professional journalist nor an economist, political scientist, sociologist, lawyer, etc. I've got some formal educational background in some of those areas, but they're not my primary formation, and dude, there are people who share information like this for a living, working in teams, whose main education is for doing this. I on the other hand am just an individual layperson whose only thing to back me up is maybe some better web browsing skills than average. I feel it makes me have to be twice as careful.

But even the best internet navigator is also subject to cognitive biases and algorithmical manipulation, let alone me. I try my best to deliver the most diverse array of topics and trustworthy sources of information across the political spectrum. However, I'm just a common internet user who also has patterns of content consumption and who, despite digging up all my browser's settings and disabling as much data tracking as I can, will still have algorithms tailoring content to me. And I, despite my continuous effort to post diverse points of view and to select the articles in the most rational and fair way possible, am still only a human with all the cognitive biases that affect everyone else.

So... I don't know, man. I just feel so honored, gratified, and even emotional that I'm contributing to the knowledge of so many people, that so many people legit count on me. It's a wonderful feeling, it absolutely is, but my biases, algorithmically tailored content, non professional formation in journalism or specifically political sciences, and all sorts of other flaws, they all often make me very self conscious. I want to contribute to people's learning and to improving political discussion, but what if my efforts to dodge online ideological bubbles and eco-chambers aren't enough? What important information am I failing to deliver? What if I've alienated people who are in different ideological positions from me but who could be very civil and polite and contribute a lot? What if I've let people down? What if I'm too blatantly partial? I mean, I try to be honest about where I stand instead of pretending I'm above all manipulation, mistakes, and the peak of neutrality™ and exemption™. I think making it clear that I'm not immune to all of that is absolutely crucial even to be a better deliverer of content, to show I have limitations, values, and opinions that should be taken into account when I'm consulted. But what if my honesty becomes just an excuse for blatant attempt at indoctrination and deepening ideological loopholes? Hell, it's a lot of questions, a lot of self-doubts, a lot of fear of not living up to this very important responsibility, and I just... Wow.

I think my main message with this post (which could even actually become a warning of some sources, despite what I said in the beginning of the post) is... Continue reading. The blog's posts that are sharing articles (the vast majority of the blog) pretty much always end with "continue reading", but I think it could mean more than just "these paragraphs are a call to click the link and read the whole article". I think it could also mean to continue reading in general. Read beyond me, read as much as you can, learn as much as you can, from the most diverse sources and perspectives as you can, to form opinions with the most solid substantiation as you can. I'm in no way an enhaustive source of information, if anything I'm standing in the shoulders of giants. There's so much content none of us will ever be able to scour, so it's really important that we are all aware of our limitations, as individuals and as humans, and that we work together. Work together to learn with others (who will always have something to teach, even if only to serve as a negative example) and for others to learn with you. Hell, some of the main things that made humanity thrive as a species are our ability to share knowledge and to work together. So we're capable of that. I truly believe so. And I really love learning with you all. With asks, comments, replies, suggestions of articles, corrections, everything. And I believe y'all's contributions and perspectives are essential to enrich this blog's content and the rather awesome environment we've been able to build here (of which I'm actually quite proud hehe). I truly welcome disagreement arguments, opinion submissions, suggestions of articles (they don't even have to be about politics, they can be science too!), comical additions, messages, asks, everything.

I digress a lot. I apologize for the ramble, I just have a lot of feelings. I apologize for the times I've shared erroneous information. People in different ideological positions than me, I truly welcome you and your opinions to the blog, even if I disagree and discuss them. And I deeply thank you all for the following and the trust you guys put in me. I genuinely hope I can live up to it.

Thank you, folks. You guys are absolutely awesome and I deeply appreciate you all. Hope you know that.

-Mod Nise da Silveira