#but im back again tomorrow and Saturday like girl im always at work they wont let me leave 😭

[nerdie-faerie]

Texted my mum about being asked to stay an extra 2 hours because we were understaffed, so why did she follow that text up with asking me if I'm getting enough hours? Girl they won't let me leave

[indigo474]

Jan292024

it doesnt matter how many adult things i do.. go to work,pay bills, cook, clean all the adulting in the world.. i can do all of it.. I am still going to be that little girl who wonders if she's good enough, who thinks maybe there is a part of her that is unlovable..i've never had anyone actually be there for me. when love comes knocking i want to be able to receive it.. what does that feel like? I tell myself i am worthy of love.. i really am. but what does that look and feel like? I did something last week that i thought was.. a good thing. I sent my MOm a text basically telling her we can try again and i love her. I usually wouldnt send such a text because i wouldnt want to me rejected and I would just not speak to her for weeks, months, years.. it took her a few days to respond and we still haven't talked BUT.. I stepped outside of my comfort zone and life is short and who knows how long any of us have on this planet.. i dont want to carry any ill will towards anyone and nothing is really that deep.. and she suffers, on her own.. i dont want to add to anyone's suffering. Madison went to the gym with me on Saturday.. when we get there she tells me she didnt want to go to that gym.. why she waited until we were inside i have no idea.. she asks me if i ever showered at the gym and i told her yes, when we lived with grandmom.. she says oh yeah she wouldnt let you use her shower.. and you still talk to that bitch. yeah, some times i do. its easy for me to get in my head about a lot of things.. i have to live each day making decisions that let me live with myself.. in peace.. I have to make decisions i dont have to forgive myself for.. or try my best to do, say , live in a way that i wont have to forgive myself for being who i am..

I'm almost done Britney Spear's book.. so sad. She's been through so much. My manager didnt want much to do with me today. I'm fine with that. I decided I AM going to LONDON this Summer.. I dont have anything else going on and the only reason i was hesitant is because i'm scared. and well, fuck being scared. but now i read something about a war so im not sure.. hahaha.. August is a long way away.. not really but kind of... I had a great run tonight. I'm back to tracking my macro's. tomorrow i lift heavy. not everyday is a grand slam day.. no one can be happy all the time.. even if i'm not feeling the day, i have moments of happiness... there is always always always something to be grateful for..i am grateful for everything.. absolutely everything.

[katslitg]

how the open heart lis would propose:

Jackie Varma:

“please, i never expected you to be the type to think of marriage,” you’d say to jackie one day, drawing circles with your fingers on her body while laying in bed together

“why does that suprise you?” “i don’t know, just expected you to be the type that wouldn’t settle down,”

she’d roll her eyes, knowing she had something big planned out for you

“whatever. goodnight, mc,” she’d say, turning her back on you, making your eyes widened

“i’m usually the little spoon but fine, if you want to be the little spoon this time, i’ll allow it,” you joked, not knowing she was seriously a little hurt and mad

she had known the moment you went out of your way to help her with her money problems

and im not only talking about that time you helped her babysit, no

you had done more than that in her eyes, everytime you’d tell her you found a job she could do, everytime you paid the part of the rent she couldn’t pay, everytime you insisted on going grocery shopping when it was her turn but most importantly, listening to her problems

the small things, mostly. those small details made her fall head over heels in love with you

so when you apologized the next day, because, well, jackie had been ignoring you again, but not because she was mad at you, no, but she didn’t know how or where to propose

so she went to ask her friend, sienna, for help

that helped of course, but she was still nervous that night

“you look beautiful today, mc,” “aww, thanks, jack, so do you,” a blush crept on her face before she intertwined your fingers together

“the liberty hotel? it’s not even our anniversary, jackie, but it’s really sweet you’d bring us back here,” you’d say, the memories of your first date with her flooding through your mind

you turned around when you realised she wasn’t catching up with you, only to find her on one knee

“oh. my. god. i-” you mumbled, but she just shook her head and smiled, “mc, i want you to know how much i love and appreciate you. ever time you help me out, or just whenever you’re there for me, my heart skips beats and i feel like the luckiest girl on this planet to ever exist, so mc, will you please marry me?”

“jackie, i,” you paused and pulled out an identical red velvet box, like the one in her hand, out of your coat’s pocket, causing her eyes to widen before an even bigger smile formed on her face, “so that’s a yes?”

“of course it’s a yes! i love you so much,”

she wrapped her arms around you before pulling you in for a soft kiss, “i love you, too.”

Bryce Lahela:

“hey, do you wanna go to the drive in movie thing tomorrow tonight?” bryce randomly asked you as you were chilling on the couch at the doctor’s lounge after you shifts. “hmm? oh yeah, sure,” you smiled.

“to be clear, i meant just the two of us,” he’d say making you nod before giving him a confused look but quickly dismissing it

he had been nervous to say, at the very least

“what if they say no? oh my god, keiki, what if they break up with me completely? or worse, what if-,” “oh my god bryce, shut up! mc loves you, i’m sure they’ll say yes,”

he loved you, everyone knew that, but the moment he knew that you were the one was when you handled that situation with keiki and his parents very well. he was scared to tell you the truth but when he realised that you didn’t care that he was part of that lahela family, he knew. of course that was only part of the reason, they fact that you could deal with him at all showed him enough.

when you opened the door of your apartment, he was flabbergasted, “wow, mc, you look gorgeous,” “thank you, babe, you don’t look that bad yourself either.” you winked, earning a small blush from him.

“have fun!” was the last thing he heard elijah shout before you closed the door, making him relax a little. “shall we get going, my good sir?” you joked and held out your arm for him which he gladly held onto.

when you looked at the dumb, old, romance movie infront of you, you yawned, which had made bryce even more nervous.

“you alright, mc?” you nodded and smiled at him, “yeah. im fine. you do know we have already seen this movie, right? it was the one that played at our first official-,” he had cut you off, “date. yeah i know.”

he turned so his face was focused to yours before pulling out the box with the ring in it, “mc, i love you so much it even physically hurts sometimes. the moment you told me you didn’t care who my family was and how you showed me how much you love keiki and accepted her as family has made me love you even more, which i didn’t even think was possible, so mc, will you marry me?”

the happy tears streaming down your face and the big smile were all the confirmation he needed, but he just had to hear the words come out of your mouth

“bryce, yes! absolutely! i love you, too, you dork,” you said before pulling him close for a kiss.

Rafael Aveiro:

“no way,” you laughed at a story about young rafael juliana told you, causing him to blush

he sat across from you two and was simply admiring you with a big smile on his face

trust me, this man knew you were the one from the moment he met you. the fact that you always supported him whenever he did stupid and reckless shit made him even more sure. and when you told you never ever wanted to lose him after his accident, he knew that you felt the same way he did.

“so, do you have a plan?” his grandma asked, just seconds after you had left, he furrowed his eyebrows, “what?” “for your proposal!”

after that talk with his grandmother, he planned everything out.

“hey, mc, can you meet me at the rooftop aftsr your shift?” he asked, after finding you roaming the hallways of the hospital

a bright smile on your face after you saw who it was, “‘course. what’s this about though?” he just mischievously smiled, “you’ll see.”

and god were you glad you had that one cute outfit you had forgotten still in your locker

“what are we doing here?” you asked as you two got up to the hospital’s rooftop, “we’re going for a ride with the helicopter,” he smiled, making you widen your eyes, “is that even allowed? i mean you just got your job ba-,” he cut you off, “no need to worry,”

he had stopped at the landscape you two had flown over that one time after the baseball game to watch the sunset and have a picnic

right before the sun had set, he helped you stand up and got down on one knee himself, “raf-,” he cut you off by opening the velvet box in his hand, making you catch your breath

“mc, i knew you were the one from the moment i made you. of course, proposing back then would’ve been waaaaaaaaaay too soon, but i’ve grown to love you even more, which i didn’t even know was possible. you make me want to a better and careful man and in all honesty, no one could ever make me do that last part, so mc, will you marry me?”

you wiped your cheeks, and quickly nodded your head way too fast, “yes, yes, yes, a million times yes! i love you, raf,” you pulled him for a kiss before he responded, “i love you too.”

“wait a second, you never told me about how you got the helicopter?” he grinned, “i told naveen i was planning on proposing,” you laughed a little, before pulling him even closer.

Ethan Ramsey:

this man doesn’t want to get married

i mean sure that thought had crossed his mind, but it wasnt a serious until something happened to you, and i mean something really serious

when you rolled in on that stretcher on a quiet, saturday afternoon lets just say that man was going crazy, god forbid something happening to you, so he was extra irritated that day

“no, no, no, only the best surgeon!!! bryce, this is too personal for you, let emery handle it,” he’d say, not wanting the resident to assist, but only wanting attendings.

when you finally got out of surgery and were placed in the icu, he knew for sure that you were the love of his life and that he was gonna make it official the second you felt better.

when you finally woke up, his face was the first thing you’d see.

“ethan? what happened?” “you got in a car crash, everything’s fine, mc, i promise i wont leave your side. ever.”

after a couple of days, you were finally discharged and god did that feel great

sienna was helping you, taking your stuff and making sure you didn’t feel hurt anywhere that day, “sienna, i’m fine, you can go back to work,” she dismissed your protests before pulling you even closer, letting most of your weight shift on her, “no, i’m going back home with you and then i’ll come back,”

that was until ethan came in, “ah, dr trinh, can i talk to mc alone for a minute?” she’d nod, giving you a knowing look

“what’s up?” “i was uh wondering if you had time today? so i can take you out on.. a date...”

your eyes widened, “yeah. of course. sure.”

that evening you had taken so long getting ready, not really feeling any pain anymore from the medications you had taken

even though you knew you had to stay home and rest, you didn’t

“so where are we going?” you asked as you stepped out of the apartment door when he picked you up

“you’ll see soon enough,” he’d say, linking your arms

he stopped outside of a flower garden, you remembered it as you looked around, “wow, you didn’t forget!” you happily said, before he chuckled, “of course i didn’t forget it,” he said as he looked around the flower garden your parents had gotten engaged at.

“mc, i know i said i didn’t really believe in marriage but those couple of days made me re-evalute my decision,” he’d say, slowly getting on one knee, earning a gasp from you, “seeing you on that stretcher that day made me so scared of losing you, i hope i never have to go through that feeling again, so, mc, will you marry me?”

tears prickled in your eyes, your voice weak while you muttered out a quiet ‘yes’ before shouting it out

“YES, YES, YES, OF COURSE!!!”

he’d pick you up and spin you around, “i love you, mc,”

“i love you, too, ethan.”

[captain039]

kitten

Tom hardy x reader

Summary: how you met and what became of this relationship, gonna get kinky *wink wink*

Warnings: mentions of abuse, smut in the next chapter.

No one knew of your secret, no one knew of the sinful pleasures of the night, no one knew you were with the one they call Mr. Hardy.

It was a normal day at work in the small cafe, the usual came in a sweet elderly couple from down the road and the cop who likes his coffee extra sweet. Your mother owned this shop she use worked like you when her mum owned it, family business. Your nan had passed away a few years ago leaving the shop in your and your mums hands. It was tough on your poor mother being a single parent and owning a shop, but you helped out all you could as she grew older.

The first time he walked through the door everyone was still, seeing such a handsome and well known face in your shop. He smiled politely to everyone before going to the counter, you knew him, Tom Hardy though you acted like he was a complete stranger.

"What can I get for you sir?" you asked your work smile on.

"Uh a white latte and a BLT please" you nodded scribbling it down.

"Wont be to long take a seat" he nodded as you rushed back into the kitchen, your face was flushed as you huffed trying to snap out of it.

"Somethings got you blushing" you groaned quietly hearing your mother.

"Nothing mum, but what we need is a white latte you always make the best" you said while making the BLT, she smirked walking away. You finally finished and brought it out seeing your mum talking to him.

"Your BLT" you placed it on the table taking the mug from your mums hands.

"And white latte" you raised an eyebrow at her as she laughed walking off.

"Your mum?" he asked, you nodded.

"Shes lovely" you smiled.

"Sometimes, but mostly shes cheeky" you chuckled.

"Need anything else?" you asked.

"No thank you this is lovely" you smiled giving a nod before walking back behind the counter. You looked up as the bell ring ready to smile when you saw your dad. Your father well he was abusive physically and verbally your mother took you away at a very young age saving you from him, but he found a way back.

"Hello dear" he smiled, but you weren't fooled.

"Get out, your not aloud in here" you whisper yelled his smile turned to a frown as your mother walked out.

"Y/m/n" he greeted.

"Get out" she growled throwing her cloth harshly to the side.

"Am I not aloud to see my daughter?" he hissed quietly everyone was looking you wish the world would swallow you up.

"You damn well cannot and you know why!" your mother raised her voice.

"Now leave" she yelled people looked concerned as you sighed.

"Babe are you ok?" you frowned looking up seeing Tom walking over.

"Fine my dad was just leaving" Tom walked behind the counter placing a hand on your lower back, you blushed.

"You heard her mate" He said his voice low, your father growled storming out, a sigh of relief left your mouth.

"You alright?" He asked you and your mother.

"Fine I'm sorry you had to see that dear, how about a free latte for later?" your mum offered a smile, Tom nodded.

"Its ok, thought I'd step in, didnt like the looks of him" Tom still hadn't removed his hand, you were probably shaking under his hand aswell.

"Uh?" you let out he frowned turning to you.

"You ok?" he asked.

"Your hand" You whispered he let go instantly.

"Im sorry" he said rushed scratching the back of his neck.

"Its fine" you mumbled, you rolled your eyes when you saw your mum smirking.

His phone began to rang making you all jump as he sighed.

"Well duty calls, I'll come by tomorrow for that latte dear, hopefully he doestn come back!" Tom yelled walking out the door. You just stood, Tom hardy was just in your cafe and protected you. You glanced to your mum who wiggled her eyebrows.

"Mum, no" she laughed going to the other tables apologizing.

He did come by the next day, and the day after that, he was a new regular coming by every morning to have a white latte and a BLT. He was funny and kind the perfect man, your mum always embarrassed you saying it was her 'job' to.

Your cafe became famous and soon paparazzi and the news everyone showed up just to see him. It was sad really he didnt get to be left alone, you and your mum were bombarded with questions, but then he just stop coming.

A letter was out the door with the initials T.H on the front, you frowned walking inside closing up shop and sat down opening it.

'Dear Y/n,

I'm sorry for all the people that came by and harassed you with questions I didnt mean for that to happen, I was just trying to get away I guess, but they always come back. Anyway I wrote this letter to say I'm sorry, but also to ask if you would like to go on a date, it's ok if you dont want to, but the place and time is

Grand Grace's restaurant at 6, saturday I'll meet you outside

-Tom'

You were running with emotions after the letter, should you go? it was nice he said sorry thought it wasnt his fault, you missed him being here, his smile always lit up the room and your day, hell your dad didnt come back either.

"What's wrong?" you jumped at your mums voice, you handed her the letter and she smiled brightly.

"Yes! your going, my dear he is good for you, and you need this" you sighed at your mums enthusiasm.

"Mum, hes a celebrity I'm just a waitress" you sighed folding the letter back up.

"Who cares! he clearly is interested in you, and ive seen the way he looks at you" your mum was babbling away, you finally gave in.

"Fine! I'll go" she made a sqeul and hugged you tightly.

Saturday came quickly you were a bundle of nerves you had never gone to such a fancy place before, you were a simple blue dress with flower patterns on the top with black flats like hell you were wearing heels. You did your hair put on some makeup and sighed were you really doing this?

You waited outside the restuarant gripping your purse tightly, you were getting looks from everyone maybe you should go.

"Y/n?" you looked over seeing Tom in a suit, he had given himself a clean shave and styled his hair, he looked breath taking.

"My dear, you look wonderful" he smiled taking your hand and kissing your knuckles. You were blushing like mad, everyone around you were gasping at the sight.

"So do you" you whispered he frowned sensing your discomfort.

"Stop staring!" he yelled everyone hurried back to what they were doing, you sighed quietly shaking your head.

"I shouldnt be here" you mumbled more to yourself.

"I'm sorry, we can go somewhere else?" you froze shaking your head.

"I, no, I should just leave I'm sorry Tom" you quickly walked away tears in your eyes, he called after you, but you ignored it running into the night. It decided to rain to make everything else worse, you'd just ran from Tom it was to much the staring the looks, you should've never of went. You went to your favourite spot by the river, you sat on the edge dangling your feet as you wiped your face. God you felt like an idiot it would've never of worked.

"Y/n?" you jumped at the sound of a voice, you turned seeing a soaking wet Tom.

"Tom" you said sadly turning your head more tears coming out.

"What happened? talk to me" he sat down beside you.

"This isn't going to work and you know it, your a famous actor! me I'm just a waitress a blur in the crowd, The looks I was getting before you arrived, I'm just a simple girl" you whispered sadly wishing this would all end.

"I know I'm an actor Y/n, but im still a person, those people have no idea who you are or what they'd miss out on if they knew you, your not simple, your the kindest and funniest person I know, you didnt scream when you saw me, or ask for my pic or autograph you treated me like a human being, and that's- that's what I want and liked about you" he said sincerely his eyes staring at you, you sighed taking his hand gently giving it a squeeze.

"I'm scared is all" you confessed.

" I'm scared to I didnt think you'd come, your gorgeous I didnt stand a chance" he smiled intertwining his fingers with yours.

"Its me who didnt have a chance" you chuckled, his smiled brightened hearing you laugh.

"Can we start again? please? I'll take you to your little cafe" you laughed, but nodded your head.

"Yeah" he grinned kissing your hand again.

"I'm glad"

There will be part 2 soon!

[dearbagelgirl]

Dear Bagel Girl

damn what a day...

I woke up and really debated about going to class lmao :( i didnt pay attention much and i knew some stuff about what she was saying but meh. I was reading your email instead and smiling and shit :] 

Afterwards, instead of doing homework or napping like i usually do in between my classes, I went to eat asap and finish my lab that’s due in the beginning of my class. And then in lab my eye was twitchy and shit and im like kill me. I was knocking out

Then I ran home and knocked out for like 40 mins and fuck i woke up right when it was getting good. And went to work. It was a gameday so I expected to die but it wasnt so bad because today we actually had more workers than usual and it was lit cause I worked with my dude Michael who I never really work with and we WERE GETTING SHIT DONE. 

I came home at 9:30 and rn (it’s 10:30) im in Martha’s room just chilling and talking...

I’m debating what to do. Idk if i can get coffee ... i shouldnt cause then I wont sleep and i’ll forsure die tomorrow during my midterm. But im debating how late to stay up. I forsure have homework to do and some of that homework is helping me study for my midterm but then IDK what to study and practice for tonight. Cause tomorrow I was hoping to go to the gym again but I think i should use that time to study..and I have to eat and do my shot and shower so its like fuck. AND my professor still has class before our midterm so its like CONLEY SERIOUSLY???

lmao i saw my professor on a date maybe? at my job lmao i was gonna say hi but he doesnt know me cause I’ve never really interacted with him but im like “you really having fun the day before our midterm?” smh

Anyways, okay about your foot..babe like this sounds bad? like go to the doctor? especially if its been a couple of days. is there anything noticeable on your foot? like a bump? if not like..idk but maybe you should go to the doctor if it keeps hurting and if the pain gets worse. 

and oh okay..so like lMAO ima tell you this cause its funny of how Diane reacted to this and stuff. I hope you dont get upset but i hope you laugh and dont worry <3.. so idk if you remember but I think i mentioned her in a blog post before about this girl in my lab, Elizabeth. I text her for lab shit and just the class in general. And then she asked for my snapchat and im like yeah here its cool. And im like yeah I should make more friends especially in this class where i can die. And then the next day after i gave her my snapchat (this was like last week i think or maybe 2 weeks ago) i saw her in lab and she was very talkative and im like okay cool we’re talking more about other shit besides lab. And then she just got really close and im like personal space? and then in lab, im listening to what my TA is saying and I have my arm resting on the desk. And all of a sudden, she holds like my arm/hand and im like 0.o and i feel really fucking uncomfortable so i give her a look like wyd and then im like “oh she’s probably just trying to look at my watch to see the time” but then its like theres a clock on her computer and she could’ve just asked instead of holding my hand for more than 10 seconds. And when i make my face, she’s like “oh haha I wanted to see THE TYPE of watch you had” and im like “oh..yeah it’s Neff” and im like wtf...you could’ve asked though why you holding my hand..and then..fuck she said some other shit like “your snaps are so funny” and now idk if you’ve seen the new sc update but its ugly and also hard to see people’s stories now AND SHE’S ALWAYS THE FIRST ONE TO SEE MY SHIT and im like lol its nothing its nothing. But then I told Sandra this and she’s like “she’s trying to do something” and im like NO DONT SAY THAT IM UNCOMFORTABLE AND I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE A FRIEND. And then she’s been saying little things and im like either you just dont understand what you’re doing or you do. And it’s like I post you on my story and i told Sandra “she should know i have a gf..i’ve posted it all over my sc and Im gonna mention my girl next chance I get”

Anyways lmao so I tell Diane..and she’s like “WTF TELL THIS STRAIGHTY TO BACK OFF” AND I STARTED DYING LMAO “STRAIGHTY” and she’s like “MMMM JOCELYN MAY NOT BE HERE TO DO SOMETHING BUT I AM. I LIKE JOCELYN. SHE STAYS. TELL THIS LITTLE FRIEND OF YOURS TO STOP” and yeah I WAS DEAD. But the girl has been chill finally cause I mentioned you and yeah i love you <3 but yeah that’s the thing its nothing big 

LMAO today my coworker Daniel came up to me like “aye Vick..how real you feeling?” and i started dying and im like “whats up? what you need?” and hes like “..can you cover some of my shift Saturday?” and i said yeah :( smh so now im working WACk

btw, idk how but let me know how we should fill out this form. email? and then I can just drop it off? or? :o

I really miss you beautiful :( so much 

I love you. I hope you had a good day <3 thanks for sending me your freckles 

-ya know who it is

February 15, 2018

[survivor-kuwait]

Episode 9 - “He just told me what side of the fence to fall on” - Corey

Well that went my way for sure!! While unanimous, literally five minutes into the warzone I told Ian we have to go after Madison and Jacob. He agreed and then we rallied the troops. Love when a plan works out. 

An alliance called M&M&M was made between Matt, Madison, and I. We were thinking of doing Ian but we didnt want to push too hard because we didnt want to reveal our cards that we had something. I just hope us sacrificing Jacob will be a positive thing for us and not a negative. Im glad theres allinces forming now. Hope i can stay away from warzone this next round but who knows. Im going to try my hardest tho.

help. who knew that my blood revenge for wanting Nehe out resulted in ALL of the other Kilimanjaro reps to be voted off one by one. parting that with chips, there was 5 people repping that season... and now I'm the lone Survivor from that season. pray for me yalls.

Ugh!!! I blame Johnny for this. Scavenger hunt is usually my favorite challenge except the both times im doing it with Johnny :p  these are soooo weird again. Dealing with this challenge and moving my stuff from my apartment on friday/saturday will probably not get me immunity. Im still trying so hopefully everyone else is busy as well. I Curse Johnny but like only a small one. Like him spilling his fries on the floor. 🍟

Hosts: Another Ian confessional, hopefully he shuts up about his idol and actually give some insight into his game. Me: MY IDOL!!!!11!!1 IT IS MINE, MY OWN, MY PRECIOUS. On a real note, I'm not sure if I confessed this round yet that one of the reasons behind the Jacob vote was to put Nar in a numbers advantage should that come into play at anytime.  The point of the premerge phase is to build as many pathways to alliances/mutually beneficial voting blocks as possible that also have a vested interest to vote with you.  I have Maynor asking to be a duo with me, sure yeah man I do like you and hope to work with you deep in this game as someone that can help me cut Corey or Trace if working with them in the game becomes problematic, but I also know Maynor has a vested interest in Kait, which I do like Kait well enough but she can't be allowed to go on a run if I want a chance to make a run myself.  Corey wants to keep our partnership as secret as possible, which yes I do think is smart, it also relies heavily on trust.  At this moment in time I have no reason but to trust Corey.  That may change in the future, he wants to keep it secret, that's chill, but I'm going to have my own backdoor deals should shit hit the fan. Devon/Matt one of them put me as the scapegoat to Jacob, I don't know which and honestly I do not care which one of them it was. They are both standing in my way at this moment for the win.  That could change in the future.  The game is long and full of terrors.

this is it this is the round im goin to the w a r z o n e 

Im safe!!! Im glad cuz tomorrow is graduation party from my parents and didnt wanna attend tribal. But i feel like Drunk Maynor is being cheated out for this season. I dont have my drinking buddies. Maybe this season wont see Drunk Maynor and I could actually be good in this game.

Me: goes to warzone a bunch People in warzone: don’t target me at all ———— Last round: People in warzone: mention my name Me: flips that ish on Jacob REAL quick also me: HA NOT GOING TO WARZONE AGAIN FOR A HOT SEC BEST BELIEVE IM FINALLY IMMUNE. imagine that! I kinda tried for once! and I placed exactly where I needed to hehe.

Thomas is a fucking idiot honestly. Like, he has been to the war zone enough times to know that the WORST possible thing you can do is throw a name out on the first night. Everything always comes together a couple hours before tribal, and by putting names out there this early, he is basically just MAKING SURE that the vote will come down between him and Adrian. For background, Thomas came to me, still butthurt about being called inactive, telling me that he wants to vote Adrian. I am very into that plan, don't get me wrong. Adrian is one person that I have literally nothing in common with. But to come in, guns blazing, this early in the war zone is a HUGE mistake, one that will probably end in a lot of extra stress for Thomas. But, it is good for me, because even though Thomas likes to spill all the tea to me, he is someone that I could very well afford losing. Kait is finally in the war zone. This could also be a pivotal moment because I would be shocked if people do not gun for her this round. I don't really want her out yet because I feel like she's a great shield for the merge, but we shall see what people want. basically, even though I don't really have any of my closest allies in the war zone (ian, Corey, Madison), I might be okay because of Thomas v Adrian, and MAJOR threats being here. The only thing that could fuck me up is if Owen tries to pull something. I do not trust that kid and want him out early merge. But for now I am just trying to lay low and vote with majority.

against all odds, I'm still safe! Warzone looks like a crackden tonight and I'm nowhere near it. I hope Owen makes it out okay. Kait, though chaotic, is someone I'm getting closer to. I would like to have her around until around f9??? we'll see. Same kind of story w Maynor. I need Thomas and Stephen OUT. Timmy as well. They are on my Arya-style kill list. I've been immune for ??? 4 tribals in a row now??? I still have my save vote to use as I have not been to tribal since obtaining it. I have also acquired a rock-save thing that Ian and I dug up together. Basically, if we go to rocks, I can use it to save myself (immune from my rock being picked). Nifty lil power... Hopefully I also get this save vote and don't become the owner of a dead power. After tomorrow's tribal, we'll be final 14. 10 gone. only 11 more to go before I'm in FTC. or 12. I don't care. As long as I'm there in the end. Ideally, with Ian and Owen and I come out victorious. I am playing nice girl, liar AND schemer. The game is outwit, outlast and you can't outwit Corey Rae Jepsen baby! and if you want the truth, this is Corey. I suspect Owen-Kait-Thomas to vote the same way. i expect Adrian-Matt to vote the same way. Chloe and Stephen are wild cards. Trace... I am praying for to be okay as well. If Chloe-Stephen-Trace-Matt-Adrian work together, they could get Thomas or Kait out. We'll see! I feel bad wanting Kait out as I do like her but if she goes w/o me having a hand in it... I'll be sad bc I like her but happy bc I think she's too smart to keep very long. She'll catch on to me. She'll plan my demise, which is exactly why I need her close to me as long as she's here. Also - Maynor coming in 2nd? I'm out here busting my butt and they're gonna rank me number three? after someone who can't even barely walk and barely do anything and all he does is sit around and fuss and curse everyone.. I was VERY insulted. (this a crystal cox quote sgflksgls) But fr he said he barely did any. mmhmmmm.. If i was on the fence about him before, he just told me what side of the fence to fall on. 

Im glad Im safe. Idk how this  vote will actually go. I wish luck to thomas matt kait. And ithers but cant remember who from other side is in it. Today imma just keep talking to ian and corey to make deeper bonds with then and enjoying my grad party. Drunk maynor may leave a confessional later.

This warzone is by far the most crucial one in my game. I’m absolutely PARANOID at this point because Kait gave me some info that Ian is mad at me for telling Jacob to vote him, wasn’t my idea but okay. I’m at a point where playing in the middle will leave me getting absolutely squashed in the middle. My allies Kait and Adrian are totally at odds with each other, and Thomas is targeting Adrian and Adrian is targeting Thomas and like, I just wanna vote Chloe. I have the feeling that Adrian needs to go this time around, it would free me of the threat of being sign partners in this game and I’d rather leave bitter betrayals for the pre jury portion of the game. As long as I’m not getting votes and I can keep holding on to this idol and some semblance of good graces with everyone in the game I’m satisfied.

Well I forgot to submit the video confessional I will later lol but I want Adrian out. He seemed very d*ckish about me being inactive and I am not taking kindly to it. It seems Trace is with me and so it Kait and Owen. I hope I can get on more person so we can get Adrian out.

I'm highkey getting 15th again... and I'm gonna cry. Like this fucking hurts so much. People aren't talking to me and the few people are just talking about life and pretty much anything but the vote. Getting a third 15th placement will literally crush my heart and soul so much, so I pray that something works out in my favor.

So happy to be safe, didn't think I would be. Ummmmm, looking at who is going to tribal, i'm not sure who is going to get voted out. I would be so sad if Kait goes, but it would be a smart move in all honesty because this is the first time she's gone to tribal. Getting her or Owen out would be a big move, but I need them in the game for the time being because they are some of the only people who are seen as bigger challenge threats than me. Although I am only safe because of the tribe I'm on, I've never scored the best overall and so really it's an interesting scenario, if I was on the other tribe I would be at the warzone, yet on mine I got 3rd. I just hope it's not a unanimous vote because I want people to come back to camp with drama.

I feel more sick than I ever have and now I’m back in the war zone. How fun. I just hope I can manage to stay safe yet again, I feel like that’s unlikely though 

Okay so I’ve been busy af with my friends all of a sudden it’s almkst tribal nnnnn and it’s between Chloe and Adrian rn. Adrian allegedly wanted me and Kait out earlier YIKE so I originally wanted him but now it’s like matt pushing for Chloe This is rlly good for my game tho because it gives me and Kait something to bond over that sets us apart from matt. I literally am never going to turn on Kait in this game.... fuck. I hope she do the same .

Its Alcohol Time!!!!!!!!

Show just got out and barely anyone messaged me the whole time whoops! I think I’m about to get blindsided tbh this is too quiet lmaooo but Kait and I pushed Adrian so hopefully that’s it. If not then it’s been fun. This seems too easy so I’m not expecting much nnnn but if I’m here.... I’m goin for it 

Im drinking more now. And im nervous who is leaving tonight. Hope the people im working with stay alive.

Good news! I won the past two challenges and have been safe!  That is awesome. Even better news is I just searched Q10 and got a hit which means I’m near an idol :)

Okay so I’ve been busy af with my friends all of a sudden it’s almkst tribal nnnnn and it’s between Chloe and Adrian rn. Adrian allegedly wanted me and Kait out earlier YIKE so I originally wanted him but now it’s like matt pushing for Chloe This is rlly good for my game tho because it gives me and Kait something to bond over that sets us apart from matt. I literally am never going to turn on Kait in this game.... fuck. I hope she do the same .

I am drunk. And i miss havjng my drinkjng buddies in dani alyssa n jess. And havung jones be on call. I need to find some drinking buddies here to have more fun. Plus monty alyssa n johnny r doing amazing as hosts this seasob.

[plushyontheweb]

ugh

tomorrow is Saturday and toonami is on saturday..i go to work on Saturday in the nights so im usually home for super or jojo.

BUT i hate the FACT that i have to stomach the latest “trilling” episode of “Tokyo drool” to get to the obvious superior anime ((Still crap cause gon is super annoying)) hxh...then lupid the third which i admit isnt that great...but way better than the first two..and FINALLY naruto, which i also dislike but it has another good characters to overshadow the horrid ones ((im looking at you sasuke and sakura..and in some cases naruto..)) 

i dont mind hxh or lupid..but tokyo drool..UGH ive been told it was and i quote one of my friends “tokyo ghoul is an awesome anime and manga~! you should totally watch it”. granted that the manga is always better than the anime..i still cannot freaking watch a full 30 minutes or chapter of tokyo ghoul without wanting to strangle every character in the series. when gundum unicorn was on...i didnt think i would ever find a main character of any series cartoon or anime that i would HATE more than banagher. 

BUT HELL~! tokyo ghoul sure proved me WRONG! because kaneki is just a huge pile of steaming BS. ever since the first 3 episodes i grew to hate him more and more and more..until finally i couldnt even look at him without physically wanting to VOMIT. i know him joining that stupid organization isnt in the manga..but IDFC. even in the FUCKING manga he was a little piss baby that should have been killed by the bitch!. oh wait..no. thats not all folks! i just dont hate kaneki..oh no~ i wouldnt be posting this if i just hated kaneki..now listen here as i say it as calmly i possible can..

everyone character in that show is garbage. toka..is just as much as a piss ant as kaneki but for different reasons. trying to be the “cool” character..and horrendously fail at it. even when they try to humanize her..it just falls fucking flat. her brother is an asshole who i wont even care if he dies..even when the doves freaking show him his DAD ARMOR..i could care less about him..and toka when the time comes. 

the blond four eyes was basically “imma eat u OM NOM ONOM” to “omgosh we gotta save the guy i tried to eat earlier in the series.”..again his humanization just falls flat on shipping...UGH..oh great..he’s nice to his girl friend..ya want a medal?!..he’s still an ass..and wasnt even a playful ass until later..aka after we associated him with “Asshole dont interact”.  

the old guy basically does jack all and gets captures..the other guy is only their for plot..and honestly..the main cast are just..such garbage..that i find myself rooting for the freaking doves! constantly..like “kill kaneki..literally no one will miss him.” but like the rest of this anime..even those guys are honestly pathetic and dull in their own ways.. i wont even dignify them with names..all ive seen is a guy who has a constant boner for his mentor that he is willing to fuck his mentors daughter..said mentor was a complete DICK...his daughter is a dick..oh and the little crazy kid..”lol so random pancakes X3″ i hate her most of all..they’re trying to go for crazy cute boygirl...but GOD i hate him.

the only “good” character is the kid..and even she’s starting to tire me out.

it just boogles the mind..on how they take out ONE PIECe FOR THIS GARBAGE! like its more Gorey than attack on titan..more gorey than naruto..and some how it comes on earlier? idk logic?! i rather marathon one piece from episode one 4KIDS DUB until the last anime episode..than watch this SHIT!. 

why am i wasting my time you might ask? well..like i said before..ive been told its one of the best animes and ALOT of people PRAISE it for its inner commentary. ok..so ghouls are treated like monsters and killed because they eat humans?..ok..whats the inner commentary? assholes killing each other? both belittling each other..even when one group kills and eats the other! even if the “good guys” eat suicide victims. i honestly dont see it

i dont see the praise it gets from the people in my school..from friends..i dont see how it can get such a fandom that would literally stick needles in cookies and send it to the creator because he made toka kaneki a thing..this anime is garbage..its basically gore smut up to the extreme..that it gives attack on titan a run for its money..and also got one piece of the air due to its “success” 

the only reason i keep the tv on during tokyo drool..is because i know for a fact my forgetful ass will forget to turn it back on..OR i miss something actually worth my time like new toonami things. hell i hate kaneki so much..that i often unmute the tv the moment i figure out kaneki isnt being a pissant..and instead getting BEAT. like last weeks episode. i loved the fact that prison dude kicked the shit out of kaneki..but ya know how anime main characters are..when you whine..you unlock some kind of super sayian ability. 

this has been a psa..on why i hate tokyo ghoul, hate the fact toonami took out onepiece for it..and hate the fact they still wont put bnha because gore factor or gundum dick riding. 

[your-fantasy-alive]

Tongue Technology- Suga *Attempted Smut*

" I don't really see what the big deal is about when you talk about music. " you said as you both are sitting in his studio. " Im sure you dont jagi but I want you to know that this is what I do for a living so you must accept it. Besides, if I wasnt doing music, we would have never met." Yoongi said as he works on his laptop. " Yeah, but....... We would have found eachother one way or another. It is called destiny." " Hmmm, never met her before.. What is she like?" he says, trying to joke around. " Stop babe, you are always trying to make jokes about us like we aren't important to you." He then slowly turned to face you with this look of suprise. " What are you talking about? I never make serious jokes about us. Why can't you just take a joke? Better yet, if you feel like I don't take us seriously then why are you still with me? " he said, with the most serious tone you have ever heard from him. " Im still here because I love you. Maybe you should ask yourself why are you still here." you exclaimed as you tried so hard to keep your anger in. He then stood up and made his way to the door. " Maybe I should. I'll see you later. " he said then walked out. You stare at the door for a while just wondering how this even happend in the short conversation that you were having together. " Fine, if thats how you feel, lets see how you feel when your music if not there anymore." You exclaimed as you went through his laptop and erased all of the music that he created in his studio. Once done, you grabbed your purse and left the room.

On your way out, J hope stopped you. " Hey, is everything okay because hyung left out looking really angry. " " Everything is fine J, we just got into a little argument. We'll be fine by tomorrow night." you said with a smirk on your face. ".....What did you do?" he asked , picking up on your strange aura. " Don't busy yourself over small things boo. I'll see you later!" you said, as you left their dorm.

Hopefully he takes the bait ........ ************** You were at home in your bed trying to go to sleep when someine starts banging on your door. What the fuck? Who is that?! You get out if your bed and wrap yourself in a robe as you make your way down the stairs and to your door/ BANG BANG BANG " Hold Up!" you shout over the noise. You then open the door nd there stands Yoongi, soaked by the rain. " What the hell yoongi. Why are you outside while its raining?" you said, pulling him inside trying to get him warm as fast as possible. " It didn't start to rain until after I had made it a couple of blocks from my house. BUt, Im out because I need some where to go so that I can take my mind off of stuff. " " Oh its okay, I was just laying down because I have to be somewhere in the morning. " you said, walking away to find him some clothes the put on. " Where do you have to be? Its a saturday." he said " I have to go visit my parents tomorrow for their wedding anniversary." you said, once you were back with his pajamas. " When you are done changing you can come up and lay down. Im going to sleep." you said as you go back towards the stairs. ****************** You had been laying down for 30 minutes trying to see how long it would take him to actually walk up the stairs. I wonder if he figured out what I did to his music yet. Maybe-- " Sorry I was taking so long, I was just trying to mentally prepare myself." " Mentally prepare yourself? For what?" You asked as you gaze into his eyes. In that moment you realized something. He Knew " Just wondering about some things. Do you want to know what those things are?" he said as he slowly made his way towards the bed. " Sure, tell me what on your mind." you said " Whats on my mind is the fact that you think you can get away with erasing all of my fucking music off my laptop. Do you know how fucking hard i worked on those songs?!" he said, voice deadly. " Hmmm, I don't seem to care now do i?" you said. He then proceeded to walk up to you and pull the convers off. " You will baby girl." He then gripped you your leg and flipped you over so you were on your front. " Maybe if I gave you a nice spanking you ouldn't be so bad jago, what do you think?" he asked , as he starts to rub your butt. " mmm maybe" you said as you arched your back, making your ass curve into his hand just right.

The first hit was unexpected as it was aimed towards the center of your right cheek. The sting of the hit alone brought this feeling of home and pleasure that had your insides slowly curling. Then came the next three hits in the same spot, making you squek out by the rapid sucession of the hits. " Baby, does this feel good to you?" he asked, as he delievered another hit, this time to the left chek. " yes... baby. it feels great" you said, arching more and more to get his hard to cover all of you. " More baby, " you said, breathlessly " awe, my little girl wants more? Ask nicely baby girl" he said, slowly spanking you harder and faster. " Please baby, more. Give me more." you started to whine. After hearing your whine, he then picked up more speed and started assulting your ass with hits. He was hitting you so hard and fast that It started to feel like ne complete slap. " oh.. baby... please." you moaned He then turned you over and stared at you . " Do you think you have any say in anything? No" he said. He then slowly lifts your pajama dress and he gazes hungrily at your vagina covered by you pretty grey lace underwear. " O just want you to know something, you might not make it to the anniversary thing on time tomorrow." he said He then leans over and sucks on you through your underwear creating a warm sensationthroughout your bady. " Fuck.. baby" He then chuckles and slowly pulls down your underwear. the entire time, you are panting, hoping this goes where you want it to. Once your underwear are off, he pushes you legs apart and just stares at your vagina. " Stop staring and do something" you whined, squirming in his hold He then gets comfortable on his front and blows along your lips, sending shivers along your spine. " Look at my baby girl, ou look so pretty. " he said, running his nose along your vagina lips " Please baby, stop playing around. " you moaned into the air He then slowly leans down and starts to slowly lick at your clit rhythmically, causing you to slowly lose breath. He moans in the back of his thoat and surges foward to get a better and and attacks your clit with licks,sucks , and random vibrations " MMM yoongi, fuck.. if feeels soo fucking good" you cried out " Does it baby?" he pulled away to ask Then he lowered his head towards your opening and extended his tongue until it was all the way in " FUCK YOONGI" you screamed He then started to spear his tongue in and out of you as he massaged your clit with his thumb. The entire time, keeping eye contact with you, making you even more hot then you already were. " I can't yoongi... " yu said, trying to warn his that your orgasm was on its way. " Squeeze my hand when you're really close" he said, continuing his administrations As your orgasm built up, you could feel your body start to quake from the pleasure YOu then squeezed his hand and.... he stopped moving completely. " Nooo." you whined " Did you forget that this was still a punishment baby girl?" he asked you, rubbing yoru thighs, trying t help you calm dwn Once he felt like you were calm enough, he went back to slowly building you back up. *********** It had already been 5 hours of building you up just to stop and at this point, you couldn't take anymore " DOn't stop again baby. Im sorry. I wont delete your music again" you pleaded , feeling your body slowly build back up " mmmm" he hummed back, speedunf up his hands and tongue " Baby... baby... fuck... oh go.." you said, slowly falling over th edge again to have him stop once more. " NOOOOO" you exclaimed, and this time, you felt tears prick your eyes "Are you crying baby girl?" he asked " No" you said, turnign your head trying to hide your tears . "Fuck thats so fucking hot" he says as he lays back down and eats you out with an entire new wave of lust. Seeing you crying from frustrastion mde him feel so fucking good. It made him feel in control. He assulted your vagina with vibraations and licks that had your back arching off the bed. "YOONGIIIIIIIIIIIIII" you cry as you finally come, seeing white *************** You don't know how long it had been since you passed out but you turned over and you see yoongi spooning you. Maybe I should delete his music more often "Do it again and I will make sure that I make you last for more than 5 hours. Try me. Youre lucky all my music saves to different places simultaneously otherwise it wouldve been worse. Now go to sleep, you have to be up in 2 and a half hours" he said, then kissed you in the back of your neck. " Night Baby girl" "Night Baby"

[shes-sweet-but-a-psycho]

Right so, I talk to the stars every night while im in my country and not onboard... sometimes aloud...sometimes ill just stare and I'm legit monologue deep in thought... sometimes it's just to have a chat... other times, like the painful nights between applying and hearing about that job, or after i got the job and it was a week before getting on that plane and then that boat... night's like tonight...where i basically, pray... ask for a sign... look up to find reasoning... to find proof that something somewhere in some time is actually hearing you...letting you know you're gonna be okay..." you know whats gone down, you know the news,tonight, at some point, it doesnt have to be right now but some how, could you just give me a sign, just, so i know its gonna be okay... just so i know this wait is not for nothing... so i know that things do happen for a reason, that I'm not crazy, that there's reason behind the things we feel... fear, sadness, longing, loneliness ... that there's a reason for each reason we feel such things... reason that everything has purpose...let me know that this is going to be okay... "

I try to picture what it would look like to some one watching me without me knowing... a small scruffy girl in a bathrobe constantly pacing up and down the wall staring mouth wide open at the sky , sometimes muttering or whispering... tonight i was under the washing line for a solid maybe 20 minutes before snapping out of my little pray session because i heard my mom having a wee and the bathroom window is right there. Right there. I ducked like a crook and ran to the lounge. Here i sit.

With mamma Mia 2 playing in the background.

I just.

I would really appreciate a sign.

A coincidence.

A gesture.

I would just like to be brave and not look to a sky for moral support but hey...

I want to be able to say " okay sure" immediately after getting asked " you wanna come over tomorrow night? Or meet me tomorrow morning?" By someone i miss, would like to see, haven't seen, not sure what we'd talk about but it would be nice to actually say to my mom " I'm going to _____ house, check you later " and actually mean it...

Id like to take that leap of faith and see that other one spontaneously.

I miss that feeling, id like it like once then it would get too much again... id like to see her... just once.. just to talk... listen to her stories... but I hesitate at the thought of it...

I just wish i was brave.

That's abit off topic.

Im going outside again, wonder what im about to do. I'll probably be back here.. probably. When im finished doing nothing, as per usual.

Back__

02:17 - Friday 31st of May. I'd be leaving tomorrow. Cheers. Back to best life.... back to children, people, back to where i feel like i have some purpose...

But i wasn't nearly emotionally? Physically, lìterally ready, whatsoever... so now instead of freaking out silently about not being ready and all that scared nervous shit I was going through... now im silently freaking out about waiting longer, doing nothing longer..

So i had a thought

Just once, i wish life just satisfyingly worked out.. like boom. Simple. Done. Great.

Ideal world right now..I've told everyone my embark is delayed, but my passports ready in the morning, I pick it up and email Tara - im still goood to leave on Saturday. I manage to get the little things left to get, pack up my things again, get shaven and straightened, and say bye to my father cause ill never hear the end of it, and then comfortably, unrushed, sad but I can't believe its actually happening again, sitting on that plane. Getting into that hotel... seeing their faces.. my beautiful friends..marlon...molly.... just shocked and excited. Legit mid lobby screaming high pitched, marlon jumping around like a girl with us... telling them... guys it just worked out , life surprised me, and then...On board they dont expect it.. I've told them im not coming.. they bring it up in a meeting someone says no she's not coming back tomorrow... then morning vacouver.. they're all there, on those bloody stools that i hate but love to kick around on set up... in walks marlon... happy happy... in walks Molly... happy happy... Marlon could be like " and if Gabi were here, this is how we'd pose"... Gabi runs in and joins the pose... just pure. Bliss. The look on their faces... her face ❤ just to see her... be like... never mind, plan A! Shit worked out! Just to say... " hello mickey mouse" the way i always do... to hear you say " I'm just so happy. Aw Gabi. I could cry. I was really sad when you told me you werent coming. " in your little accent. That i love, more than you will ever understand...

Just to make your day. Just to make you happy.

And just to make me happy.

I wish things could just, simply, work out... just this once. But-- it probably wont, like...probably. part of me will always hope. But the luck of Gabi. Things like that just don't happen to people.. especially not to me... so here i sit.

And it sucks. But that is why...

That's why im seriously hoping that everything truly happens for a reason...

It doesn't make it suck any less but I guess it keeps me hoping .. on something atleast.

[3inghao]

HI CRUSH ANON HERE AND I WANT TO START OFF BY SAYING TO ALL THE PEOPLE THAT FEEL EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN MY LOVE LIFE I LOVE YALL HAHHAHHA I DIDNT EXPECT FOR ANY OF THIS TO HAPPEN :'))))) at the same time tho i feel like things might have to be put on hold for a while i dont know !!!! ok sorry sorry ill explain so ,, ive figured out that im like really really into this boy. in a way thats probably not the best for me right now, esp bc ive got a lot of things to juggle right now (1/17)

but also bc ive been thinking and like ,, ok so this story might put things more into perspective. so its like monday and i get a text from him thats just like ‘hey what are the rest of your classes for today/do you have like 15 min or something to be in a shoot of mine before it gets dark’ and im like PANICKIN bc ofc hes asked some of us to be models for his photography hw before and its always super casual BUT this is the first time that IVE ever been asked specifically (2/17)

and so obviously i jump at this offer and im like ‘umm i dont have any more classes today so sure just lmk when and what to do :) also whats the shoot about?’ and hes like ‘ok cool we can meet at your room at like 5:15 and ill tell you about the shoot when we meet up :)’ and he wanted us to go to this reaaaaally pretty park at sunset and do the shoot around that time and i was like ‘ok do u want me to wear anything specific’ and he was like ‘nothing in particular :)’ (3/17)

and so i start getting ready and im nervous af bc it meant spending more time alone with him and i felt so unprepared for that LMAO but yeah so he comes up to our room and i open the door and my heart skips a fucking BEAT and i almost slam the door in his face but i force myself not to aha and so we go and hes like ‘ugh im so tired i want coffee lets get coffee’ and so we went into the starbucks around the corner but then i was like yo will we make it to the park in time (4/17)

and hes like ‘o shit yeah’ so we leave without getting coffee rip but yeah we go to the city park and oh my gskldgskd it is so fucking pretty its right before sunset so everything is golden and the sky is rainbow but you can already see the moon and holy one of the prettiest views i think i have EVER seen !!!!! and then he explains to me what the project is finally and hes like so its an experimental photo set thats supposed to represent all the things we left behind in modern society (5/17)  

and so for me he said he wanted me to pose in the city park at sunset sitting on a bench with my hands cupped like i was holding a heart (hes going to photoshop the heart in later when hes editing the pics) and then like leave it behind on the bench and look at the sunset behind me which is supposed to represent and i quote “leaving love behind in the pursuit of beauty” and i literally was like 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 the whole time LMAOOOOOOO (6/17)

but yeah so we did that in like 15 min but after we were done i legit didnt want to leave bc (i wanted to spend more time with him but also) IT WAS SO FUCKING PRETTY SKDHJDFH and ahhhh i like looked over at him and he looked sooo at peace just like looking out over the water and the sunset and the scenery was so beautiful i almost blurted out hi i think ur beautiful but i stopped myself in the nick of time thank god LOOOOOL (7/17)  

but he like made eye contact with me and i like held myself together but there was a moment where i felt like djdhskjdkd idk how to describe it i was kfskshdhdjdh idk it could be just my imagination but I FELT LIKE THERE WAS SOMETHING THERE AHHHHHHHH and i was so tempted to ask him about the hand holding on saturday but i didnt i held myself back again thank god lol and then all of a sudden he goes ‘hey do u want pics’ and im like wot (8/17)

and hes like ‘do u want some pics of urself? like we r already here so !! plus i want some photos to put on my photography insta’ and i was like sljkddjkd ok why the hell not so he directs me into different poses and stuff like that and after the sun sets we finish and then we r walking back bored af so we start wandering around the little shops nearby and then we finally get home and then our friend texts the group chat like ‘hey anyone want dinner now’ (9/17)

and we were already really close to a dining hall so the two of us went and got dinner and our friend just joined us later and then during dinner when it was just the two of us we started talking about me losing the bet of when our friends were gonna hook up and so i have to treat him to japanese bbq and we were talking about when and hes like ‘well theres nothing im gonna celebrate for a while except my best friend from home is coming bc her sisters getting married here” (10/17)

and i was like ‘omg thats great ??? congrats to her !!!! omg’ but idk this is where it gets kind of confusing bc idk we were talking about maybe going this weekend but his best friend was coming and he was planning on spending all his time with her but i think he said that we could go get japanese bbq with her too ?? and i think i said ok but i dont think we locked down any like specific date and time at all ??? this part is a lil confusing to me (11/17)

so anyways that happened and i havent really interacted with him after that whole thing like we still have a streak on snapchat lol but he will do this thing where he wont open or respond to my snapchats for like literal hours ,,, even though i know hes ON snapchat bc he will like watch my stories ??? like w o t ???? i dont think hes doing it on purpose if that makes sense ?? but its still annoying and borderline infuriating and sldkghsldkgh (12/17)

and also like ok ,, his best friend came like yesterday and i saw her on his snapchat story and h o l y g o d she is the most beautiful girl on all of fucking planet earth i shit u not like i actually !!!! screamed when i saw her shes so fucking gorgeous and on his story theres a bunch of snaps of the wedding etc and a pic of him and her in a photobooth and sldkgsldkghs holy ???? i dont know how to put this into words but they are p e r f e c t for each other (13/17)

like in every way possible they are literally best friends and shes an actual goddess and together they look sooooo aesthetically pleasing it is legitimately intimidating and ahhh sldkgldgkh so the thing is !!!!! i already have practically no self esteem left ,, and a dinner with like HER and THEM will probably d e s t r o y m e from the inside out i will literally just feel inferior in every single way possible and i have NO IDEA HOW TO EXPLAIN THIS UGH !!!!!! (14/17)  

but yeah that kinda just made me realize that i might need to take a couple steps back ??? from this entire thing and him in general ,, and also that before anything happens i really want to work on me first like obv x has got his shit together and theres that whole thing with his best friend and idk !!! i like have pledged to go to the gym way more and get my fucked up sleep schedule back to some resemblance of normal and f o c u s on my academics and skincare and eating more healthy !! (15/17)

like i wanna be a person that everyone can look at and be like yes !! u go girl shes got her shit together and yeah !!!! aha :’) and also i need to COOL IT with my feelings about x like as amazing as he is and as fun as it is to spend time with him and as much as i want to pursue everything about this relationship i dont think im in a place mentally and emotionally where i can handle that so !!!!!! for now im gonna (try to) just distance myself a lil (16/17)

and yeah !! if he asks to go out for japanese bbq tonight/tomorrow i think im just gonna be like ‘ahh i wish i could but im super swamped with work rn sorry :(((‘ (which is 100000% true) and just leave it at that *deep sigh* anyways thats where i am at this point thanks for tuning in yall aha :’) i just need to not be hurt in this relationship and distancing myself for now is the only way i know how to prevent that ,, and i probably wont be that successful but !!! heres to trying :) (17/17)

awwwwwwwww crush anon BUT THE SUNSET DATE (yes im calling it a date) does his best friend go to the same college as you guys?? bc if he’s single and she doesn’t live anywhere near him there probably really isn’t anything between them that you need to worry about. I def support the focusing on yourself bc the more confidence you have in yourself the less insecure you will be once you actually get into a relationship so go you!! my gf and i are actually starting to facetime each other and work out together too so all of us can struggle in that tryin to be healthier lyfe! i think in one of the other asks you mention more happened? but i also think that maybe a bbq date with him wouldn’t be bad? and i think you should try to have it with just him and no one else! idk fill me in on any new developments :0

[sduckyz]

So Im going camping next week.  And my family has two main camping tents. One is a grey camping tent thats similar to a bell tent. but you can fit 2 mattresses in the sleeping area and bag to the sides of the matttresses. In the area in front of that you can fit some things in the corners and then you barely have enough space for 2 people to sit on camping chairs. unable to move or stretch anywhere without everything falling.

basically I hate that tent and I want to set it on fire and throw it into the pit of death. because so many mornings and nights I woke up fucking cold as hell. because I hate this tent and if it rained and your pillow touched the tent wall which it definitely did because your mattress barely fit in the sleeping area length wise and your pillow is touching the wall and you wake up with a soaking wet pillow.

Then theres the brown tent. Its big. I like it. its like a tent with a sleeping area and then just a fucking living room. an entire living room. the sleeping space in this tent is a seperate smaller tent. You have sleeping space for 3 people and space for bags and stuff. Then you have a “kitchen” next to the sleeping tent well its a corner with a door and a grainy window making it perfect for shadowy corner for all your cold shit. so kitchen.. Then just in front of the sleeping space is a giant fuckin area. You can put down 2 heaters and a table and 5 chairs around the damn table and you can still have kids running around the table and the chairs. and im not talking about chairs that you can fit under the table im talking camping chairs thats you cant fit under any table. Basically. One tent is grey, small, cold, annoying, can go burn in hell. Other tent is big, warm, nice, BIG, lovely, cozy, beautiful and everything nice. The big tent is a slightly more of a “hazzle” to put up but we color coded all the poles so we know which connect where. And yes I had a slight height issue while putting it up for like half a second that my dad came to help with. But I CAN put this tent up alone I just need my wits and I have plenty of those.

due to this “slightly more of a hassle” we basically NEVER go camping in it. despite it being much more comfortable. only due to the extra 20 min it takes to put up. which i think is ridiculous. so we had a family gathering campign weekend coming up and I insisted on bringing the brown tent. and it took me a whole lot of arguing because my dad was all “but its soooo hard to put up blah blah grey tent is enough blah blah”  my main issue then was I didnt want to have to sit on my mattress with my face at their ass level in their chairs since you only fit 2 and have to take extra care not to spill my hot cocoa on my bed. Im tired of having to do this shit. i wanted to sit in a damn chair. but they both kept insisting the grey tent was spacey enough but insisted because no way was i to suffer because they had a slight “space miscalculation”. Basically we almost never use the brown tent and we always use the grey one. because my dad is a lazy ass bitch.

And Im going camping. And the reason Im going camping is because I said “friend. see my giant tent. it is big and I love it. we should go camping in this thing sometime” and she goes “yes! LETS DO IT” and then magically its happening next week. 50% of my excitement at least is being able to chill in the big “living room” in the tent. However last time we used it (last weekend) it was windy as we were taking it apart. and my dad was being stubborn while half awake and stupid and used a HORRIBLE way to tell us around to do this and do that. which resulted in one of the connectors to BREAK. because hes stupid and all this stupid ass “man of the house” bullshit. Im getting tired of this shit. “he knows best because hes an old white man” kinda shit. fucking annoying ass... ANYWAY. but thankfully its easy to fix and we have the tools to fix it and it takes me like 5 minutes. no prob. (mind you if youre still reading thats on you. i mean technically this is a blog as well so theres no big point in here except the following “rant” in which the reason this post exists in the first place im not sorry for it being long) I go to the garage where my dad hangs out with all the cars, car parts and tools and shit. to get oil on the jeep im driving. And I ask if he has fixed the tent thing yet.  Because I thought he would just do that as soon as we got home because he had to go there anyway to return some camping stuff and the tents right there and tool is also right there and once again it takes literally 5 minutes.. He answers “no. I havent why?” me:  “I can do it. Can I do it now?” Dad: “no im about to go home” Me: how about tomorrow? dad: im working tomorrow. Me saturday then? are you working on saturday? dad: no. me: ALRIGHT GREAT. saturday it is. dad: why do you need it? Me: because im going camping on tuesday and im taking the brown tent dad: who said you could? me: uhhh ME?  its a family tent? its not JUST your tent... dad: you dont need it just use the grey tent. * folllowed with him basically saying the grey tent is plenty for 2 people and the brown tent is too much of a hassle to put up me: OH? so I should NOT bring the brown tent because YOU think its too much of a hassle to put up? youre not even coming with me?.... why the fuck would i think about what you want to do on my camping trip that youre not coming on? * thats literally like. why the fuck would i care if YOU are too lazy to use the tent? im not. liek how is that even an argument?? but he continues. and even uses the “what its too hard for you two to put up its too big its too heavy its too much of a hassle youre essentially just 2 weak girl bodied humans that dont have enough man strength to put up this big tent” basically i wanted to shove a potato in my dads mouth to make him shut up thats the most annoying.... im not weak fuck you. you aint using it. I WANT to actually use it and im 200% fine with all this “hassle” you speak of. and at this point im all “he is literally trying to fucking ruin my camping trip...” and then he goes “and on this weekend we had to have a cart and everything because not all of it fit in the car.” * we didnt need the cart. it was practically empty. also it was 3 of us so we needed the space in the back seat.(i wont need that space for a human so ill fill it with other things)  So I explained how it can easily fit in the car. tent here all this shit. I dont use 90% of the kitchen shit you usually bring and whatnot.. and he goes “What car will you be using then” with this smirky tone “uh any car you want me to use. I can use the red jeep. the white jeep. even moms car. I dont mind.” “who said you could take the jeeps?” IM SORRY? DO YOU NEED TO BE DRIVING 2 JEEPS IN THE 3 DAYS IM GOING CAMPING? IM ALREADY FUCKING PISSED at you for trying to take away my tent. trying to not allow me to take the tent. but im trying to stand strong here. like im taking the brown tent or im not going thats the whole fucking point. and now youre trying to ruin it by not letting me take  a car? are you kidding me? can you go fuck yourself? fuck you? one of them isnt even your car? the owner of this car is in venice and if i asked her she would be on my side so fuck you once again? go fuck yourself trying to mess me up ruining my trip as if my anxiety isnt all fucked youre trying to be all “hey. if you dont let me control you to take the grey tent ill not allow you to take the jeep” this type of controlling behaviour and at this point i am slightly angry and i kinda want to slap you in the face with a chair. fuck you.

Im going camping. with only a friend. no parents. for the first time ever. and here you are trying to fucking ruin it. when theres nothing wrong with my plan. im taking the brown tent. and im taking either one of the damn jeeps and i will drive over you if i fucking have to go fuck yourself? did i mention that im kinda pissed at him because i kinda am?