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sweater-daddiesdumbdork · 3 years

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Perfect Imperfections

Sam WIlson One Shot

Summary- 2.7k Sam Wilson x Reader. After a lifetime of issues with your skin that result in some scaring, you have a condition called hidradenitis suppurativa. (a chronic skin condition that has painful flare ups and leaves scars.) Letting Sam see these imperfections scare you, but he is a patient man. Dividers made by @firefly-graphics

Warnings- Needle use, mentions of skin imperfections, sexual moments. This is an 18+ Only Blog.

A/N- This is written for @gotnofucks Body Positivity Challenge. As soon as I saw this challenge, I knew the topic I wanted to tackle with this. Thank you for such a wonderful challenge to participate in. Much Love always babes.

Sam Masterlist

“I have what?” You cringe at the name, it's a long complicated name that ties up your tongue when you try to repeat it, the doctor gives a knowing smile in sympathy.

“Hidradenitis Suppurativa, or HS.” He offered a simpler option for you, maybe one that wasn't so intimidating to say.

“And how do I treat it?” You question nervously, what horror was it going to be? Some sort of surgery, endless medications, injections, or worse… would he tell you there was nothing to do but live with it.

You were tired of living with it, you had the scars left over and really didn't want anymore.

“I’m going to write you a prescription, some antibiotics and an injection that you will need every week.”

Your heart lifted a bit when he filled out the email, sending it to your pharmacy. “Thank you.” you said with some relief that there was a solution to treating it. But nothing could take away what its already left behind.

All your life you lived with these small sores that just came out of nowhere in the worst spots; inside of your thighs, under your breasts, under your arms. All these years you had been embarrassed to go to a doctor about them. But Sam finally convinced you to go when he saw you in pain and refused to let him come near you because they made you feel disgusting.

That was the hardest part of it, was feeling you were hideous when you had someone like Sam who swore up and down every day that you were beautiful and tried so hard to prove it to you. Little text messages throughout the day, a surprise note stuck to the bathroom mirror for you to find, date nights out walking along the street with his arm around you and constantly whispering in your ear how he had the prettiest girl in town. All little things that he was persistent on, and sometimes they even worked. You would feel that shame lifting and your smile brightening for him.

He would wink and press a kiss to your forehead in these moments. “That’s my girl.”

Now you were sitting on the edge of your bed with the injection pen, your hand shaking slightly from the nerves. Earlier a nurse had shown you how to use it, and what to expect.

But stabbing yourself was a different story then letting someone else do it. Your fear was getting the best of you and you had to set the injection pen aside.

You drew in a ragged breath now that you were no longer holding the offending item, scolding yourself for not being able to do something so simple.

Something your body needed desperately, cause maybe the flare ups wouldn't be so bad, you wouldn't be embarrassed to let Sam see you like he wanted, less pain. All of it could be better if you could get past this point.

You never heard Sam come down the hallway towards your bedroom and happened to see you push away the injection, curl up on yourself on the bed. More then anything he wanted to take all of that pain and insecurity away from you, cause damn you were unlike anyone hes dated before. Sweeter then his grandma’s sweet tea, he could just bask in your glow that you brought to a room. Your laughter never failed to catch his attention from across a room and when you would set your sight on him, give that soft affectionate smile. Oh he was done. You made him feel like the only one in the room.

And that was just the minor stuff. Everything in his building relationship with you settled in him as it all being so right, Sam was finding he wanted nothing more then to keep building a life with you. So these moments tore him because he just wanted to fix it for you.

Sam gave a soft knock on the door frame before stepping into the bedroom. “Hey Sugar, you alright?” You rubbed at your face as the bed dipped from Sam sitting next to you and he grasped the injection pen, rolling it lightly in his fingers.

“Yes…” You lied at first and Sam gave you a look, an arch of his brow that asked for the truth. “No. Im supposed to inject that and fuck it, my hand wont stop shaking just thinking about it.” You grasped your hands together and held them still.

Sam rolled the injection in his own hands and tilted his head towards you, ghosting his lips against your cheek. “Would you like me to give it to you?”

You cringed a bit, not that you didn't trust him, you trusted Sam immensely. You trusted him more everyday that you two were together. Sam was your strength, the one you leaned on.

But you haven't been able to give up your body issues. That was something you were still scared to death for him to see. So much you wouldn't even let him see you completely naked in the light. Every night you would scramble to darken the room before settling into bed for the night. The horrible scars between your thighs that prevented you from wearing shorts or short skirts, the flare ups that shamed you till you would hide away making some lame excuse why you couldn't go out. Now this, having to take the shot made you squirm a bit to top all the other stuff.

Sam tilted his head to brush his lips to your shoulder, trying to ease you. “If you want, I can give it to you. My Gram used to have me help her once in a while with her diabetes injections. You have a trained professional right here.” He tried putting you at ease, getting you through your uncomfortable feelings, but you pulled away a bit more.

“No, it's not entirely that Sam.” You twisted your fingers together, looking down. “It’s-uhh- fuck. It's complicated.”

He frowned a bit, setting the injection aside and reached his hand to cover yours, tugging lightly till your fingers weaved with his. “Well then let's uncomplicate it Y/N.”

You lifted your gaze to look at him, this man who had the softest brown eyes and a smile that made your insides melt with just a few words, you felt silly, guilty and like a disappointment admitting anything out loud.

“Me, I'm a mess. I will always have to do these shots, my body is going to have these issues whenever it feels like, I hate looking like this, I'm so scared to let you see me…” You dropped it all, Sam’s hand giving slight squeezes and when your voice started to crack, your words getting ahead of thoughts so they were all a rush, he reached to twist you to face him, his hands moving to cup your face, thumbs sweeping sway at some of those tears tracking down your face.

“Oh Sugar, if you could see what I see, you wouldn't be worried about what I see anymore. Your stunning, fucking beautiful baby and I’m more then happy to remind you everyday.”

“You don’t know Sam, it's so ugly…” You started and he let his forehead lean against yours to calm you. You felt his hands slide around you and yours eased around him, breathe in, breathe out, let your mind stop racing.

“You don’t have to show me today, or tomorrow. Never if you are never okay with it. It's not going to change what I feel and know. So I will remind you everyday that you are the most beautiful woman to me. You love me flaws and all after all.”

You rolled your eyes a bit, scoffing. “You make it easy Sam.”

Winking at you, he slid his hands up and down your back while he eased away. “And you don’t? Sugar, you are so good to me that Sarah already told me I would be a fool to let you get away.” You could feel yourself loosening in his hold, your own arms circling up around his neck to press against him, each hugging one another. You could feel soft presses of his lips to your neck, squeezing you a bit closer. “And I agree.”

You giggled softly, nuzzling in against him and letting his strong feel and warmth wash over you. Hints of warm cedar and sandalwood tickled your nose, and suddenly everything was just better. You pulled away with a gentle “Thank You Handsome”

“Anytime Baby… now... “ He picked up the injection one more time and dragged his teeth against his bottom lip for a moment in thought. “We don’t have to rush with anything until you are ready. But this…” He tapped the pen against his fingers. “Will you let me help you with it?”

You nodded and he moved to kneel in front of you, heavy palms rubbing against the top of your jean clad thighs as you moved your shirt up over your belly.

“I don’t know why I’m so nervous about this.” You say shakily and Sam smiles that reassuring one of his that makes you feel at ease.

“Don’t you worry Sugar, I got you.” He was gentle when he pinched a bit of your skin and pressed the pen to the area. You started shivering, your breathing caught. “Hey, look at me, m’kay?” It took a moment to pry your eyes away from the pen to his warm eyes. “Not gonna hurt, I promise.”

Then there was a loud click and you jumped more in surprise at the sudden noise than anything. A slight sting was soon erased with giddiness that it was over and he was pulling the now emptied pen away from your belly. You sagged slightly in relief and Sam pushed himself up, gripping your chin gently and pressing an affectionate kiss to your mouth.

“Told you Sugar, I got you.”

Couple Months Later

You and Sam were messing around on the couch, your head laughing as he hovered over you, he was belting out a very off key rendition of Barry White’s Your Sweetness Is My Weakness while skimming fingers along your sides under your tank top and kissing down your neck. Your hands rubbed over his head to fist in the back of his shirt and tug it over his head, discarding it over the back of the cough. His own rucking your tank top over your head and leaning back on his thighs, whistling at you all stretched out before him on the couch, making you cover your face in embarrassment. “Hey, none of that. Fuck Sugar, you are so damn fine.” that last word hissed from between his teeth as his eyes dripped molten warmth, flaring in the pit of your belly.

You peeked at him from between your fingers and arched slightly to reach behind you, unsnapping your bra and he eased it down, giving a groan.

A very appreciative groan. The groan of a man who saw something he really wanted.

His mouth landed on you as well as his hands, roaming supple soft curves and tasting your sweet skin, like a collection of honey dew salt on his tongue. A nipple swirled around his tongue with a hum that was like a jolt to your system.

Lacing your veins with desire, you felt the mindless buzz of worries start to fade to the background while you enjoyed the sensations he built in you. Now and then you would catch sight of his gaze flickering upwards to you, a check in that you were okay with how this was progressing. Your body had a mind of its own, clearly aware of how to roll under his hands, enabling him to shift you further down the couch till he was inching to a kneel between your spread thighs. His hands slipped over your hips to hook his fingers in the band of your shorts, your hips arched for him to drag them away, but that is where Sam stopped. You gave an impatient whine and flickered your gaze up at him. A slight sheen of sweat coasted across his broad tensed chest, every part of him held back with anticipation, and you couldn't for the life of you figure out why Sam stopped right here.

“This is what you want, Sugar? Are you okay with this?”

Then it occurred to you he was giving you the option to say no. Some of those anxieties started to drift back, your fingers twisting together as you spiraled away from the moment. You wished he just kept going, not giving you the option. But that wasn't who Sam was.

It was now or never, and your resolve settled in you, almost a comfort that you were taking this step with him. A nod made Sam drag his teeth across his bottom lip, taking your confirmation to continue.

You squeezed your eyes shut while your shorts came off, and you felt the familiar calloused hands sweep along the inside of your thighs and spread you open wider, a soft gasp from him making your eyes shoot open in fear, was he repulsed by the scars?! You knew you should have never let it get this far. Everything in you was afraid to look and see his reaction, just picturing his handsome face looking at you in disgust.

What you saw was anything but, Sam looked you up and down with nothing but lust in his eyes and an appreciative groan as he let his thumb trace along your slit, spreading your lips apart. “Y/N, you are absolutely beautiful Sugar, and all for me? What a gift.”

You hovered at the pool side bar while Natasha mixed together a luscious fruity drink, anyone who said these drinks were “girly” simply didn't know. The amount of liquor she mixed with vibrant syrups till you had a tropical blue concoction would get you buzzed faster than any one shot of liquor could. It was just what you wanted. An explosion of fruit on your tongue that would leave you feeling good. When she handed it over, you sipped from the frosty edge with an appreciative hum. “Mmhh, perfect.” You praise while she wedged on a pineapple slice to the brim.

“I know, you are telling me nothing new Y/N.” She teased while she whipped up her own, the red head sauntering out from behind the bar with her own drink, the two of you approaching the pool side to sit in the warm sunshine. Natasha settled in one lounger, stretching herself out with another sip of her drink before setting it aside.

You spread a towel out and then unwrapped your cover to let your two piece bikini be revealed, no longer hiding yourself away.

You felt no more shame in the scars inside your thighs, the dimpling of skin where sore have healed over and over. Sam had helped you chase those fears away over time and now when you applied your sunscreen, you looked over your shoulder to see Sam strolling along the pools edge, his eyes all over you with a wide grin. Making his way over to you two, his hand sweeping around you to grasp your sunscreen bottle while kissing your shoulder. “Let me Sugar... “ He brushed his nose against your neck while moving to sit in the other seat, scooting closer to spread the sunscreen across your shoulders. “You look fantastic by the way. Is this a new swimsuit?”

You hummed while tilting your head forward, popping a shoulder as if it was no big deal, but it was the first time you had worn a swimsuit out in public in longer than you could remember. You felt his arms circle your mid section, pulling you back into his set so you could lounge back against his chest, your legs weaved through his.

“Brand new Sam, do you like it?”

He growled lightly against your ear while nipping your earlobe, whispering against the shell of your ear while he flushed playful kisses to that sweet spot just behind your ear.

“Very much so, good luck stopping me from peeling you from it later.”

Playful touches and heated kisses made you feel just like his queen in the summertime sunshine, unable to keep his affections to himself.

#dibspositivitychallenge #sam wilson x reader #bodypositivity #tw hs #tw skin condition #tw needles #amber writes #sweater writes

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nakamoto-aesthetics · 4 years

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Skin | n.yt

synopsis: about a girl who is self conscious of her skin color. she thought yuta would leave her for a girl who has paler skin and a curvier body but yuta didn’t know this. he thought you were crazy; that was up until now.

pairing: boyfriend!yuta x poc!femalereader

genre: piles of angst, some fluff to make it up

warning: this is a very touchy subject, read other works if its too much.

inspiration: Malcolm & Marie (you guys really should watch it. (it’s on Netflix.) the movie is still on my mind despite watching it hours ago)

word count: 2.2k

“your fucking delusional that’s what you are”

“I’m delusional? how yuta, how am I being delusional please inform me” you pace back and forth while he sat on the bed with his head in his hands.

“she was an interviewer I don’t even know her. it was just two strangers exchanging a hug and that was all that was it.”

“wrong it wasn’t just a hug. did you see the way she looked at you, stroked your hands and chest while you both talked, and the way she hugged you? god, the way she hugged you..” you say almost as if you were talking to yourself. you shake your head thinking about it for the millionth time that night. “she was rubbing all her lady parts on you and guess what you did? just take a fucking guess” you stop in your tracks and look at him.

“I did nothing”

“e-fucking-xcatly. you did nothing, you just stood there and smiled at her. do you have any clue what that feels like to watch? it feels like a knife is piercing my heart,” you walk over to him and bend down to his level. “but you wouldn’t know what that feels like huh?” you say slowly.

“I know what it feels like” he looks into your eyes. his eyes were filled with hurt and anger. you’d done this far too many times, yelling at him for petty things but he never knew the root of your madness.

“oh do you really?” you scoff and look away.

“yes I do, you think I don’t get jealous when other guys are around you?” you chuckle at his words and stand up again, walking away from him.

“you sure don’t act like it bothers you” you reply.

“that’s because I don’t make a huge deal out of it because at the end of the day I’m sleeping in the same bed as you and they aren't. that’s how I get over my jealousy, maybe you should use that advice to your advantage.” he gets up and walks into the connected bathroom; taking off his dress clothes and jewelry.

“it doesn’t work like that for me” you slip off your dress, letting it fall to the floor only leaving you in stockings.

“and why doesn’t it?” you hear the shower water running. you pause for a second trying your best not to cry.

“because… it’s much deeper than that. what I’m feeling is not just jealousy yuta” that’s all you say before you hear him step in the shower. you sigh and put your hands on your face before taking off your stockings. you walk over to the walk-in closet and pick out a loose shirt and some underwear, that were of course yours.

you put it on and walk into the living room. you pick up your phone and put on some music. you felt the music instantly calm your spirit.

you danced around the room letting yourself drift into the mood. you closed your eyes memorizing your steps until a choreography formed. you repeated the steps, they were light and soft. it could’ve been compared to a ballroom dance, only you were dancing alone but you didn’t mind that. you let your mind dream for once as if you were in another land. it was peaceful and calming, you let your mind drift to a whole other universe. you wish it were real, that you were there in this moment, happy, content, satisfied, all those you wished at this moment.

you danced gracefully to the music so lost in the zone to even realize that a pair of eyes were watching you from afar. he watched your every move and the way your feet bounced of the ground delicately, it was refreshing for the both of you. music was the only thing filling your ears, no more yelling, or shouting. just peacefulness.

you ended in a final stance as the song ended. you stayed there for a little bit, too lost in your world. everyone was standing up and clapping for you. you felt happy for once, this was all you wanted, that was it.

arms wrapped around your waist and kisses were planted on the soft skin of your neck.

“that was beautiful princess” he trails kisses down to your shoulder. you opened your eyes slowly, trying to come back to reality.

“mhm” you say and lean against his chest.

“are you okay now?” he asks softly.

“yes” you smile softly and kiss his cheek.

“good” he grins and picks you up over his shoulder. your scream and protests get mixed in with his laughs. he smacks your butt and drops you on the couch. he pecks your face, making you giggle and push him away.

“don’t try to fight it” he pecks your neck and jaw. “I love you,” he says, the words sinking into your skin and running through your veins. they filled you with life but you weren’t gonna let them stay there.

“mhm,” you hum biting your lip. you hear his phone ring from in the other room.

“hold on princess I'll be right back, lets keep it like this please, happy thoughts only” he kisses your temple sweetly before speed walking to his phone.

you sighed and rolled your eyes. ‘fuck him’ you thought. it was so much deeper than jealousy, so so much deeper. a tear ran down your cheek swiftly but you didn’t wipe it, wanting to let yourself suffer.

you hear footsteps treading back to the living room.

“can I ask you something? and can you please answer truthfully even if it might hurt me?”

“yeah..” he answers slowly stopping in his tracks.

“do you think she’s prettier than me?”

silence.

that was all you heard after you asked the question. tears fell down your face, your mouth trembling as you gripped the couch.

“why would you ever ask something like that,” he pauses and shakes his head. “I thought everything was okay now? what happened?” a million thoughts were running through his head at this moment, you had his mind twisted right now.

“I fucking lied, that’s what happened. you thought everything was gonna be okay after a few wasted kisses and worthless words? well think again yuta”

“I’m so confused, why would you lie and say everything was okay, literally what was the point? you intentionally try to be exhausting on purpose; this is exactly why I think you're mental now because you do shit like this-”

“shut the fuck up!” you shout you couldn’t take any more of his words and chucked a glass cup sitting next to you at the wall. a loud sound was heard as the glass collided with the wall, it fell to the ground and broke into tiny pieces.

“what the fuck is your problem?” his voice booms throughout the whole house and he storms over to you. you turn around and look at him with tears dampening your face.

“what’s my problem? you really wanna fucking know?” your voice gets a little shaky.

“yes I do” his face expresses the way he’s feeling. he was past angry, he was infuriated at this point.

“my problem is that- I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I'm insecure. I’m really fucking insecure yuta and you wanna know why?”

“why?” he says in a hushed tone as his face starts to relax, his eyes softening up a little bit.

“because I’m black that’s why. it’s not that I hate myself because I don’t… it’s because I think you're embarrassed to be with me-“

“y/n-“ he says softly cutting you off.

“I’m not done,” you sniffle. you’d been waiting to get this off your chest for a while, so you were gonna get it all off your chest. “I think you think you would be happier with someone who has lighter skin, and a curvier body. I mean look at me yuta. I’m flat, my boobs, my ass- I mean just fucking look.” you turn to the side and he looks down at your body with hurt in his eyes before looking up at your face.

“I even considered getting plastic surgery because of you. I never had this problem before I met you, I was confident in my body and then the second you popped up it all fell apart. I’m so insecure now and that’s why I’m so jealous because I feel like you’ll leave me for them. After all, they’re pretty, curvy, and Asian; that maybe you’ll connect with them because they’re Asian or because she's Japanese and can understand you when you speak in your native language.” you shake your head. “they’re everything I’m not yuta” you say in a hushed voice as tears soak your face. it was like you were standing outside in heavy pouring rain, that’s how much you were crying.

“babygirl why didn’t you tell me you were feeling like this?” yuta says softly unlike his tone just a few minutes. his eyebrows were relaxed, his jaw softened and most of all his eyes had softened. they were now filled with worry.

“I’m s-sorry” you look down and start to cave in on yourself, sinking to the floor and hugging your knees. he sighs and looks down at you. he sits down on the floor and pulls you into his arms.

“that’s not how I think or have thought ever. I wouldn’t have dated you if I didn’t think you were beautiful inside and out. I always got angry because I couldn’t possibly understand why you’d get jealous over stupid things like that but I get it now.” he caresses your back as you sob into his shoulder.

“y/n you’re the brightest shining star in my galaxy so when you scream at me for stupid shit like hugging other girls or smiling at them. I look at you like your mental because, and I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I’m deeply in love with you, I want to breathe you, kiss you, love you only, not them. I am beyond obsessed with you.” he pauses and sighs.

“but I guess I didn’t do a great enough job of showing you how much I love you. Im sorry for not catching on earlier baby, you're beautiful y/n, so fucking beautiful. I love your skin color, your nationality, your hot ass body, your short curly hair, the language you speak, the way you think to the way you walk, every little fucking thing that makes you who you are, drives me insane y/n and I love all of it. I love all of you and who you are from the bottom of my heart” he strokes your cheek and kisses your head.

“and no I don’t want the Japanese girls because if I did then I wouldn’t be here with you in my arms. I would be with them but at this moment right now Im not because I don’t want them, I want you and only you. y/n don’t worry yourself over a silly little hug that lasts for 1 second and a smile that means nothing to me because when I hug you that hug lasts 10-20 seconds and when we smile at each other it makes my heart pound and my stomach fill with butterflies because i’m so in love with you and that’s the wholehearted truth.”

the atmosphere was filled with your light sniffles until it was filled with complete silence. both of you listened to the sound of each other’s heartbeats. it was so peaceful.

“I have a question” yuta whispers so low that you almost don’t hear him.

“yeah,” you said in the same whisper.

“is that what all of our arguments have been about this whole time?”

“…yes” you close your eyes and grip his shirt.

“did you not think I loved you?” he keeps the same soft tone.

“in all honesty, I’m not sure. I thought you were embarrassed to be with someone who wasn’t as pretty as the other, lighter-toned, and Asian girls”

“no that’s not true and you are pretty, scratch that, you are fucking stunning. you’re the hottest girl I have ever been with in my life and I mean that 200% percent,” he said in a normal voice tone. you laughed at the statement and he did too. the atmosphere was now a lighthearted one.

“get out of here” you laugh and sit up.

“what it’s true, don’t be mad because you can’t have skills like me,” he says playfully.

“oh really?” you laugh loudly.

“mhm now, can you give me a fashion show, please? I want to see all the new dresses you bought” he pulls you in for a quick peck.

“but I wanna cuddle” you pout.

“hmm okay but I want that fashion show tomorrow y/n” he holds your hands and caresses them.

“okay okay, I’ll do it tomorrow. now can we please cuddle? I’m tired”

“your wish is my command princess” he stands up and picks you up bridal style. you squeal and hold on to him.

“we’ll get the glass up later,” he says. there was still glass shattered on the ground from when you threw it at the wall earlier. he walked into your shared room and laid you down on the bed gently before crawling to the spot beside you, and finally, he pulled you into his arms.

finally, for a change, you were happy and content. yuta kissed your cheek and forehead occasionally; uttering sweet nothings into your ear as he drew circles on your skin. your smiles and laughs fill the room as they mix

everything was perfect now.

#nakamoto yuta #nct fluff #nct imagines #nct scenarios #nct 127 #nct angst #yuta imagines #yuta x reader #yuta angst #yuta fluff #yuta fanfic #yuta #nct x reader #yuta x y/n

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honeypirate · 4 years

Text

Figure it out

Part four

Hinawa and fem reader

Masterlist here

The one with ✨ another song! ✨ And nurse 👨‍⚕️Hinawa!

I’m like that monkey at a type writer that people always say “even a monkey could write that” that’s how I feel with this lol but I like it anyway 😜

You wake up before him, slowly coming to consciousness as the sun shines into the window, your eyes flutter open and immediately look over to him, taking in his messy bed hair and calm face, a hand on his chest and one on his stomach. You watch him until you see him start to stir, then you take a deep breath and sit up, stretching out your arms and groaning at the pain and stiff muscles from your injury.

“Good morning sleepy head” you say when he sits up, he smiles “good morning” you smile at his morning voice, so low and raspy. “How do you feel?” he asks and you shrug “as good as i can post surgery with a stab wound. I don’t like that you were so overworked, but I’m glad I don't have to be here alone” he yawns and then smiles softly at you, his eyes still full of sleep as he gazes over at you “well, honestly, even if I didn’t have to be here, I still would come and stay by you if i knew you didn’t want to be alone.” you raise your eyebrows with a smile “you’d do that for me?” he nods and sighs, a soft sound containing all he feels about waking up and seeing you in the morning, makes him wish he stayed beside you when he slept in your bed. “of course i would. You’re important to me” he says softly and before you could discuss that any further nurses came through the door.

After their tests they tell you that Hinawa can be discharged and that you could as well if you promised to be on bed rest with minimal office duties for the next few months until you’re fully healed. You decided to take that offer because there was no way in hell you’d sleep in this bed another night, they gave you some as needed pain medication and a prescription for another month, with an appointment to get your stitches taken out in two weeks.

Back at the base you head towards the Captain’s office but Hinawa stops you “you heard them. you should go rest. I’ll tell Captain Obi” you’re about to insist you’re fine but he shakes his head, holding out your medication he was carrying “go, take some of your medication and rest” he orders and gently shoves you in the direction of your room and you huff before sticking your tongue out at him as you walk away, keeping your right arm against your middle so you didn’t move your stitches.

You stop by the kitchen to get some water and run into Maki, “oh Y/N you’re finally back! How are you?” “it’ll take more than a little knife to take me out” you say and laugh gently as you get yourself a glass of water “how long will you be out?” you take one of your pills before you say “a couple months, i hope less though” she nods “you should go rest but it’s my turn for dinner so it’ll be done in a few hours” you nod “okay thank you, see you later”

When you make it back to your room you lay down, the short walk strangely exhausting, you find yourself panting, your side hurting. “Okay, i’ll just lay here until my meds kick in, then i’ll get up” you close your eyes, trying to distract you from the throbbing pain, focusing on evening out your breaths, you didn’t notice when the meds kicked in because you were already asleep.

When you wake up again it’s dark outside, your clock’s lights reading 12:23am, you lay there for a moment, considering going back to sleep but your stomach rumbles and you groan, having missed all meals today you were starving. You slowly roll out of bed, the familiar walk taking longer because of your baby steps.

He was worried when you didn’t come to dinner, but he figured you were sleeping when your door was quiet, and figured he would make you a good breakfast in the morning. He woke up to your singing again, your voice from the kitchen vents

“It's nothing, it's so normal you You just stand there, I could say so much But I don't go there 'cause I don't want to I was thinking if you were lonely Maybe we could leave here and no one would know At least not to the point that we would think so”

He pushes off his blanket and quickly makes his way to the kitchen.

The lights are on this time, illuminating the hallway from the open door “And I couldn't tell, if anyone here was feeling the way I do But I'm lonely now, and I don't know how To get it back to good”

he walks in and smiles at the sight of you singing softly, heating up some of dinner with a metal bowl with your hands on either side, using your fire instead of the microwave. “Hey” he says and you look up at him from the counter you had used a chair to be able to sit on top of, “hey are you hungry?” you ask and he shrugs “i could eat” you laugh “perfect, I already have enough for you here”

You convince him to eat on the couch since you were injured, and he carries both of your bowls as you walk, he tells you everything you missed during the later afternoon and evening, the fights over dinner and the new information about the white clad. Once you’re sitting on the couch, he hands you your bowl and you smile up at him warmly “thank you Hinawa” he nods and sits next to you, his thigh pressed into yours leaving no space between you. He was warm and it was comforting, you found yourself leaning into him but didn’t care enough to stop, you were injured and medicated and needed some comfort from him

You eat in silence and when you are just thinking about how you needed a drink, Hinawa hands you a bottle of water. you didn’t question it, just took it with a smile. After you were done eating, you leaned your head against his shoulder and closed your eyes “when I was younger, I used to help out on my grandma’s farm in the Chinese peninsula. well one day i was messing around while working, completly goofing off, and slipped in some mud while carrying these 5 gallon buckets full of water with lids on them. i slipped and landed on the very edge of the lid. The edge went right between two of my ribs and cracked them. What was the worst was that one of the farm workers saw it happen and came to ask me if i was okay and I just popped up and pretended i was fine, i said “at least i didn’t spill the water!” and laughed And he gave me this like” you raise your head and look at him with a super worried face, causing him to chuckle “and he said ‘no sweetheart,who cares about the water. Are YOU okay?” you chuckle, the medication making your ribs only slightly ache, “I didn’t even find out my ribs were hurt until later, showing my grandma my bruises that night, it hurt to laugh for two weeks or so” you lean your head against his shoulder “you must have been a really tough kid” you smile and nod “I guess I was, but the actual reason why I told you this story,” you frown and bring your hand up, grabbing his shirt sleeve gently and turn your face further into his arm, your voice more muffled now “ this injury is going to take longer to heal than that one, which means less time I can laugh. And I love joking around with you every day, love that you make me laugh easily, I don’t want to have to miss out on that for a long time” he chuckles and lifts his arm, wrapping it around your shoulders and gently holds you a little closer “i’m sorry you wont get my amazing jokes for the next little while” you lean up and point at him “you have to keep telling me things! No! Don't stop. I will just control myself!” he smiles and you get a little embarrassed by your outburst “please, dont stop telling me funny things. Okay?” you whisper and he nods “okay, but if you hurt yourself and laugh i will stop right then” you nod quickly “deal! No going back on it!”

He laughs some more and you lean back into him, a smile on your face as you try and hold in a groan, pain shooting in your side from your wound, hoping to get away with it until Hinawa tenses, scooting forward and looking at your side with a worried face, thats when you notice the blood on his side and you gasp, looking down at yourself and seeing the blood spot against your white shirt “you might have ripped a stitch” he says and you sigh “fuck. Can you help me? I can't quite..” you hold your hands up and try to reach it to showing him how awkward it is, he nods “i’ll meet you in the bathroom for the better light after i put the dishes away i’ll grab the first aid kit and be right there” you nod and stand, wincing with the movement, thankfully Hinawa wasn’t looking and you sighed in relief. When you look up to himhe looks straight into your eyes “i saw that” he says and then laughs at your look “i’m not going to lecture you this time though, not unless you do this again” you nod and salute weakly “yes sir” he shakes his head and holds the two bowls stacked in one hand, his other resting on your lower back as you walk down the hall together, not moving it until you pass the kitchen and he leaves you to continue your slow shuffle by yourself.

You reach the bathroom and manage to maneuver your way up onto the counter top and once you do you look to the doorway and see him standing there, an amused smile on his lips “did you..?” he laughs “yeah, the whole thing. Im impressed with how determined you were, i could have just lifted you if you waited” you sigh and he comes over to you holding the first aid kit and an extra shirt

He looks at you for a few moments, you look back into his eyes without speaking, like you were lost in his beautiful golden orbs, until you realized he can’t help you with your shirt still on. You blush and look down before you use your arm on your good side to lift the bottom up over your head before pulling it down your other arm and holding it in your lap as you avoid eye contact now, suddenly feeling very self conscious.

He watches as you take off your shirt, the tips of his ears turning pink because of how soft your skin looks, of how gorgeous you are. He watches as you blush and shrink into yourself, watching the physical response of your self consciousness. “Hey” he says softly and you hum in question without looking up at him. He reaches out and with his first three fingers, gently tilts your head to look at him.

“Let’s fix you up okay? Don’t worry I wont hurt you” you smile at his warmth “I trust you Hinawa” he nods “good” he drops his hand and then washes them in the sink next to you before opening the first aid kit and slowly peeling off the bandage stuck to your skin with tape.

He dabs at your would gently with a wet washcloth as you hold your arm up, clutching your opposite shoulder so it’s out of his way. “it’s not bad, you won't have to go back to the doctor, you just need to take it easy and go to bed after i’m done” you smile as you study his face while he looks at your stab wound. He dabs it with peroxide, then puts on some neosporin so it won't stick to the gauze he places over it and then another bandage that he wraps around your middle instead of taping it to you.

“Is this too tight?” he asks and you shake your head “no, it’s perfect. Thank you for your help.” he nods “of course, here, i brought you a shirt” he hands you one of his extra black shirts and you thank him before taking it and trying to put it on. He watches as you struggle for a moment before reaching out, helping you unfold it and slip it up over your bad arm and then holds it as you slip your other arm through it, gently sliding the soft material down all the way, his fingers brushing across the skin on your back.

Once you brush your teeth and make sure you have everything you need, you lay in bed, him helping you get situated in silence. You watch him, a question in your eyes that you’re too embarrassed to ask “Do you want me to stay?” he asks for you and you smile shyly “only if you want to though” he smiles and then looks into your eyes “if i am being honest, I slept the best next to you than i have in the all of my adult years” you beam up at him “then you’re saying you’ll-” he nods “I’ll stay” your heart warms and your stomach floods with butterflies as he climbs into your bed beside you.

Because of your wound you have to lay on your side facing him, a smile on your lips and your eyes looking at his face as he lays beside you “you can’t sleep unless you shut your eyes” he says with a smirk, his eyes never opening. You reach out and grab his side, pulling yourself as close to him as you can and moving down just a little before you bury your face in his chest, he chuckles and watches you, waiting until you're comfortable before he gently wraps his arm over you.

“Tell me a story?” you ask and he sighs with a smile into your hair “real or fake?” he asks and you smile into his chest “you decide” he hums as he thinks “okay, ill tell you the story and at the end you can guess if you think it’s fake or real” he thinks for a moment before kissing the top of your head and beginning his story, his hand coming up to play with your hair that’s on the bed behind you

“There once was a prince of a small kingdom, he was handsome, intelligent, and level headed. One day the prince’s best friend was poisoned by a neighboring kingdom that was trying to start a war. The prince vowed then and there that he would never allow himself to care for another person again, never wanting to feel the same pain and grief again. He lived like this for many years, keeping his heart guarded, thinking he was doing the right thing” you were trying so hard to pay attention, forcing yourself to stay awake for this, it felt important. But the sound of his voice, the smell of him, and the warmth of him holding you, that fights to pull you to sleep.

“One day the prince met a princess, she came to stay at his kingdom and they became friends, laughing and joking with each other every day, she was the only one in the kingdom who seemed to understand everything about him without even trying. She easily walked into his heart and made it her home, walking through each wall and barrier like it was nothing, like it was her purpose to make him feel again. The only one who made feelings joyous instead of exhausting. She saw every hidden part of the Prince and made him feel worthy, she showed him how nice it is to have someone close to him who understands and doesn't make him feel guilty about where he lacks. The door in his heart opened for her like she had the only key.” you smile, thinking about how lovely the princess sounds. He swallows hard and his hand stills, strands of your hair twisted gently around each finger.

“The Prince fell in love with the Princess easily, even though he hadn’t felt the feeling for years she easily claimed all of his love as her own. She would sing to him, call him to her with her angelic voice. She made him laugh easily and not to mention she was an amazing person. She is kind, smart, and the prince is positive she is made of everything sweet and good. One day the princess got hurt.” Your fingers clutch his shirt gently as you whisper “oh no” he chuckles and kisses the top of your head before continuing “She got hurt and the Prince couldn't protect her. He felt terrible about it even though there wasn’t anything he could have done in the moment, he was tied up at the time. There was nothing he hated more than seeing her hurt and wished he could save her from it, but since he couldn’t, he would do anything he could to help her as she recovered. staying by her side and protecting her until she was strong again, until she was back to being able to protect herself. then he would go back to being her partner, and not just her nurse and guard.” You sigh and turn your face so your cheek presses against his chest “I like the prince” you whisper and he smiles

“Real or fake?” he asks and you hum into his chest, too far asleep to truly answer. You hum again and try to wake yourself up more but your mouth doesnt say what your brain tells it, it just mumbles out “my.. prince” before taking a deep breath and sighing into his chest, completely unconscious.

He wakes up with a start, panic in his heart from a dream he can’t remember. He looks down at you in his arms, a smile on your sweet sleeping face. You looked like an angel in his arms, the sun on the horizon hitting your window illuminated the back of you like a halo. He tried to move, to get comfortable again, but your unconscious hand gripped his shirt, and his heart. He was frozen to the spot, his heart racing thinking he woke you up, he waited a moment before looking down at you again.

“Maybe, if this happens again, we could sleep in your bed. It’s bigger than mine right?” you say and snuggle further into him, making sure you don't hurt yourself anymore, your wound was already throbbing and you didn't want to make it worse until you had to get up. He chuckles and kisses the top of your head “right” he clears his throat, the sun rising waking him up more, “you’d want to, do this again? Sleep beside each other?” you look up then, opening your eyes purposefully to look into his, “Hinawa” you reach up to cup his cheek “why wouldn’t i? You keep me safe. Do you think that these have just been coincidences? That it was just because you happened to be here?” you pull your hand down and furrow your brows “unless you don’t like mmm--“ you stop and change your sentence “ You don't want to. Then I mean yeah of course whatever you want I don’t want to make you uncomfortable” he smooths out your brows gently with his finger and he chuckles softly “shhh shh it’s not like that” he gently wraps his arm around you and holds you to his chest, his hand gentle against the back of your head.

A knock sounds at your door followed by Maki’s voice “sorry to wake you y/n but we have an emergency meeting in 5” you tense, knowing it must be big if they’re waking everyone “thank you Maki” when her footsteps retreat is when Hinawa lets you go, he looks into your eyes, he was sad you had to part so soon but he knew it must be important. “We’ll talk later” you smile softly and nod as he gets up softly and helps you out of bed so you didn't hurt yourself. At your door he cups your cheek with a smile before silently slipping out your door.

#hinawa fanfiction #hinawa imagines #hinawa x y/n #hinawa x you #hinawa takehisa x reader #fire force hinawa #hinawa x reader #takehisa hinawa fanfiction

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ydolanssss · 4 years

Text

A hood love story: G.D

Warnings: violence, sexual innuendos, a lot of cursing.

Pairing: Grayson Dolan X female reader.

Summary: bottom line is... remember where tf you came from.

-------------------------------------------------

Friday night lights.....most basic ass idea for a football game.

Just a whole shit-ton of rich ass white kids, acting like they hard when in actuality they have no awareness of anything outside of thier little gated community.

They weren't aware of the situation Grayson was in.

They either villainize him and where he's from, Or they romanticize where he's from. Either way they never talk to him.

They talk to ethan though, because unlike his brother he decided to just forget who he was and where he came from...that including his brother.

But you didn't think like them, you didn't treat people differently because of where they come from, or where they live. So you became friends with gray, best friends, and y'all were together all the time.

"hey gray you tryna go to the game today? You asked leaning on the locker next to his.

"there's a game?"

"yea against the cougars, you wanna go?"

"....mmm" gray never really went to any school event because well...he was kind of a loner, you didn't blame him tho.

"pleeeeeaaaseee, gray can we?" You asked with pleading eyes, and a quivering pouty lip.

"...fine"

"YESSIRRR, let's goo" you shouted, and skipped to class.

You went through the next couple of classes pretty quickly, went home, did some homework and waited for Grayson to come over.

"when you coming over hoe"

"I'm already outside, come on"

You run outside lock the door, hop in the car and head back to the school. The game had already started, but no one had scored yet. You and gray sit on the bleachers, and eat some popcorn.

"who you think finna win?" Gray said shoving food in his mouth. "I don't know, but prolly not our school, they haven't won a game in like...ever."

"true true" gray nodding in agreement untill his phone starts ringing. "Ayo hold up I gotta take this."

"hmm oh okay, I'll stay here" reassuring him. He walks to the back of the bleachers, "yo, wassup?"

*Anonymous* "Ayo when I see you, you getting lit tf up".

"Whoa, what? Who is this?" Gray asked confused as too who was tryna kill him.

"you know who this is lil bruh, it's daymen, oscars brother. You stole some shit from him the other day, and gave it to ya lil rich ass friends."

"what? Rich ass friends? Ion got no rich ass friends."

"okay okay, so you gon lie to me now huh?, Alright look, bring my lil brother his money or you getting lit tf up, and I take ya lil bitch for myself. You know the fine one, wit the braids."

"Don't you fuckin touch her."

Meanwhile you on the bleachers

"bitch what the fuck are you talking about?" Looking at claire and her lil posse.

"you know what I'm talking about, how long you been fucking my boyfriend."

"claire....who's your boyfriend?" You ask genuinely curious, because you do not keep tabs on miss bam-ba-lam-my-cars-a-hundred-grand.

"Grayson is duh." Because apperently that was common knowledge.

"g-grayson, Grayson Dolan the brother of Ethan Dolan, correct, just to make sure, Grayson with a "a" and a "o" not a I or a E. That Grayson?" Ya know...just to be clear.

"yes that Grayson, god are you dense?!"

"Oh no ma'am very much I am not, because the only grayson i know, don't fuck with bitches like you. Oh hell no, cuz yall don't fuck with people like him. And out of the mother fucking blue, he's your man, sweet-pea, i-is that what you telling me?" Because miss ma'am got you fucked alllll the way up.

"oh really how are you gonna tell me who I'm dating, I had sex with and who stole weed for me?" You pause....

"bruh what? Ugh now I know you tripping because Grayson don't fucking smo-"

"Aye, come on! Games boring anyway." Grayson yells from the bottom of the bleachers.

"alrighty well, miss. Thing I don't know what to tell you. Gods speed finding your Grayson because mine don't smoke." You picked up your things and walked with gray back to the car.

"hey what was the call about?" You asked

"huh? Oh it's was just my mom asking how long we were gonna stay at the game, I told her for the next hour so we could go do something else." He said.

You notice he kept looking around a lot, like he's was paranoid, waiting for something to happen.

"gray you good? You keep looking around, what's wrong?" You out ur hand on his shoulder concerned.

"huh?! Ohh nothing nothing let's go, come on"

He drags you to the car, and open the door for you, and he gets in the driver's side and drives off.

"ok I guess, um whatcha wanna do, wanna go to the park, or that on abandoned house that has a perfect view of the sunset, or ice cream, or ice cream and sunset. You looked at him, lip pouting head turn to the side, waiting for answer.

"uhh...ice cream only I wanna get you home okay?" He sighs, hands gripping the wheel tight as hell.

"umm what no I don't wan-"

"No! I have to get you home. I just, I just do, okay? Please I'm sorry for yelling come here." As you two pull in to the ice cream parlor's parking lot.

You lean in and he kisses you on your forehead, " I just need to be safe okay, it's late I don't want you out at night okay?"

"what? What do you mean I'm with you?"

He walks to your side of the car to open the door, "I know but....you cant be around me now at night at least it's not safe." After you get out he walks to the counter and tells you the get a table, you stand puzzled for a bit but you go anyway.

when he gets back with two oreo milkshakes, you ask him, "gray wait why isn't it safe? Why can't I be around you? What going on?." You ask frantic, worried your friend is in some sort of trouble.

"just because you can't don't- who is that?"

He asks leaned down a little.

"who is who? You turn around, and see a car speeding towards you both." Gray grabs your arm and pulls you down.

"GET DOWN! GO RUN BACK TO THE CAR!"

You do, you get to the car get inside and lean down, then you hear gun shots fire.

*bow bow bow bow*

The car skids off and everything is quiet, you look up and you see Grayson laid out on the ground. "oh my god...".

You get out hesitantly walking towards his body, "g-gray...baby, please oh God please no, god don't tell me he's gone" tears streaming down your face, you can't bare to walk any closer, and you drop to your knees and sob.

"no..please not my best friend." As the smoke clears you say this, the sun is setting in the background, it's a somber feeling somehow you feel safe and sad at the same time, while in that same moment your best friend, very much could be breathing his last breaths.

Then, like the miracle baby he is, Grayson wakes up, with a hell of pain in his shoulder. "Wha-? Ohh fuck my shoulder, holy shit, wait where's? Hey, hey, pretty girl why you crying?" He asks litterally sitting up looking at you holding his shoulder.

You stop crying, eyes shoot open. "Wha- GRAY!!" you run over and hug him, crying.

"i-i thought you were dead, *sniff* you were-*sniff* laying there not moving." Say sobbing into his shoulder.

He holds you with his good arm, "shh shh, it's ok, I'm not dead baby, I'm right here, I'm bleeding out of my shoulder and I should probably go to the hospital, but im not dead." His head sitting on top of yours

"oh shit, yea okay let's go." You help him to the car and start driving, you drop him off at the hospital and tell him you're gonna go take care of something.

You get back in your car and drive to a harbor, you then park and start disassembling his gun.

"god...I don't even know why he has this thing, granted he did get shot at but for fucks sake." You mumbled to yourself.

You speed back to the hospital,the doctors tell you he already out of surgery and he's doing fine, and they tell you his room number.

You walk back to his room. "Hey...Grayson baby, you okay?" You whisper not wanting to scare him.

"hmm? Oh yea hey come in." He's sitting up in bed both of his arms in slings. "Can you do me a favors and grab my juice box?"

You look on his tray and there's a little apple juice, juice box on it. "Oh yea sure sweetie." You poke the straw through the hole and hold it up to his mouth.

"Thank you."

"your welcome lovie." The doctor came in. "Ah, I see your already on it, that's good, very sweet of you." You look at him confused.

"um care to explain sir, or am I slow."

He chuckles, "my apologies, um since your friend, I'm assuming has two bad shoulder that have made him unable to move his arms at all he will need around the clock assistance."

You set down the juice box that he basically breathed in. "What do you mean both shoulders I thought he only got shot in one?"

"oh he did but his other shoulder is slightly sprained it's should heal up in a around 2 and a half weeks, while the other shoulder should take at most 4, but normally three. So due to his situation, his arm mobility is hindered untill a later date." He says with his arms crossed over his clip board.

You sit next to gray and look at him, "well I'm down, it's not like we don't spend every single second with each anyway." Gray laughs, "yea I guess thats true."

The doctors clear him and you help him get dressed but since it was late you threw a hoodie on him since there was no use for the sleeves.

You both get in the car and drive to your house, "come on gray we gotta get you to sleep." You tap and rub his tummy to wake him.

You get him up and walk up stairs to your bathroom. "Ok lemme brush your teeth." You sit on the sink and brush for him.

"okay that's done. Um alright it's 2 am ur tired I'm tired we can do the rest tomorrow okay?" You ask Grayson who's barley keeping his eyes open. "Okayyy." He says yawning.

"all right let's go to bed." You walk him over to the side of the bed and help him sit down.

" all right be careful and don't drop all the way down be careful not to lose your- oh fuck!"

You both lost your balance and fell on the bed, your on top of him millimeters away from his face. You never really looked at Grayson that way, never really looked at his eyes, dark as the ocean pulling you deeper and deeper to the point where you don't care if you drown.

Or his lips, they look so soft and smooth, if you were to kiss them it would feel like silk pillows. His lips..."oh fuck his lips."

Grayson catches your eyes staring at his lips and he sits up. "My lips baby, hmm that what you want?" You both sitting up on the bed. "Where? Your neck, cheek?" He drags his nose up the side of your neck to your ear.

"or that pretty little pussy?"

You gasp and get up off of him. "Um okay time to go to bed for real this time. Uh you good? you okay? Need any thing?"

"uh nah, nah I'm good. I guess...I'm laying flat then?" You turn to look at him.

"um yea I think that would be best."

You both start to relax and go to sleep.

"hey gray? I gotta ask you something, you know what's up with clair because she came up to me claiming I'm fucking her boyfriend, who's apperently you and also you stole some weed for her and that just dosent make sense to me."

He jerks his head to look at you "wait what!? When?"

"when you left to answer the phone she said your her boyfriend and she would know the person's she's been fucking and the guy who stole weed for her."

"so that's why- ughh fucking ethan."

"what? What about him? And what was that phone call about?"

He sighed "okay so I got a phone call from this guy named daemin, and I guess he thinks I stole weed from his little brother oscar, and I guess he's been watching me or something he said if I don't get his money he'll light my ass up and he'd go for my lil bitch himself, the one with the braids."

"oh shit so it was Ethan who stole the weed and prolly gave that guy your number, and prolly claimed he was you...now what the fuck wrong with claire?"

"Claire don't know that theres two of us and she don't talk to people he's friends with so he probably lied to her to."

Laying there in shock you think to yourself. "What kinda fucked up shit you got going on to lie about your whole identity and pretend to be your twin brother that you treat like shit?"

"ion know ask him."

You said it outloud.... again. "Oh shit my bad. But I will actually."

"what? No don't-"

"no gray this shit is crazy. YOU GOT SHOT! I'm not gonna let him get away with that shit gray! Now go to bed."

He sighs and closes his eyes.

——————————————————————

Next morning comes around. You wake up early to make grays' breakfast. A protein shake with some greek yogurt mixed with fruit.

You go back upstairs and he's awake.

"hey boo sorry to keep you waiting. I was making your breakfast. Need help?"

"yeth please."

"okay silly, sit up, legs out, and stand up on three okay? One, two, three...theeeere we go."

You walk over to the bathroom. Brush his teeth, wash his face and...help him pee.

"okay so how do you wanna do this gray?"

"umm you could hold it? If you wanna."

"seriously grayson. But that's like-"

"look your gonna have to bathe me at one point within these three weeks so like might as well get used to it."

"mm true, gosh okay."

You pull his pants down quickly trying to get this over with as soon as possible.

"okay so do I just like h-hold it or something? Or like do I just let it hang there?"

"no no you got to hold it bro otherwise I'll piss on myself then you have to change my pants and my underwear and wipe my legs down."

"ewww... Okay okay I guess this is better. Um sorry if my hands are cold."

"your all good."

"speaking of shower, let's just get that out the way because you haven't showered in a brick."

He sighs "alright"

You help him get his clothes off and turn on the shower.

"alright hop in big dic- oop- I mean big head." You giggle to yourself.

"ouu ok baby, oh and just for pure curiosity, which head?"

You slowly turn to him. "The one that made you think of that dumbass question, goofy get in, naughty ass."

"okay! Okay! Shit you the naughty one." Said with a smirk followed by a failed and painful attempt to slap your ass.

"ow! Ow! Fuck my shoulder!"

"and that's what ya get, hop in." You say giving him a pinch on the ass.

"what a nice butt, good for you!"

"thank you queen." He smiles

"your welcome king." And proceed to bathe him

-------------------------------------------------

A couple hours later you left Grayson at home with him and a tv and left out all the snacks on the counter at a reachable level, whole you went out and....handle some business.

On the phone: "hey, meet me at the bleachers okay I need to talk to you about something."

"uh yea sure I'll be there."

A couple hours later, your sitting on the bleachers with the cold New Jersey air, causing your nose to become ice cold.

"hey." You jumped.

"oh shit! Oh hey sorry you scared me."

"ha, yea um sorry about that, so what did you wanna talk about?"

Now to most that seems like a very obvious question, it'd go something like 'hey why the fuck did you lie about your identity and completely drop your twin fucking brother'. Right? No.

The problem is you and Ethan have history, which also adds to the reason why your a lot closer to gray than Ethan and was like the breaking point of Ethan and Grayson relationship.

Basically in freshman year of highschool you and Ethan....dated?? Well no you did date but...it was shorted lived because he decided to cheat...on you. Crazy right? I know. And you'll never guess who he cheated on you with.....Claire!!! Isn't that amazing, what a coincidence.

So the day you found out was kinda intense.....

"What is wrong with you!"

"Why would you do that to her!"

"As long as we've know her!"

"Huh Ethan! What's the matter with you! Who raised you! It wasn't ma! I most definitely wasn't dad!"

Grayson being the lovely, kind, understanding soul that he is decided to give Ethan a piece of his mind after consoling you in the living room.

"Jesus Grayson! It wasn't even that bad!"

With his hands on his hips, mouth ajar and eyes bugging out of his head.

"you've gotta be shitting me. You made out with the bitch ON SNAPCHAT! THEY GOT YOU IN 4K BRO! What do you mean it isn't that bad!"

"look why does it bother you so much? Like it's not your relationship. It's mine."

"Because your my brother and I love you and I love her to, I want her to be loved and appreciated the way she deserves, and I expected better from you, I never thought, my brother, a fucking scumbag of a man. Had the audacity to cheat on his girl. I guess I stand fucking corrected."

They sit in silence for a while. Your in the living room nervous because you've seen them fight of course but, never this heated.

"well if you love so damn much you be with her, I don't fucking want her if there's gonna be this much drama."

Time for you to get angry.

"First of all motherfucker you cheated! Don't you fucking switch this around on me."

Grayson stands in front of you, tear filling your eyes by the gallons.

"I fuckin loved you....so much, so hard...I did. And this what you fucking do...this the last time I love someone as much as I loved you."

And with that you stormed out. Grayson followed disgusted with his brother.

--------

"....so what did you wanna talk about."

You snap back into reality.

"umm well one your fucking brother was shot!"

He jumps back. "What?! Was he really? When by who?"

"a few days ago. most likely by a guy named oscar...who shot him because apparently, Grayson 'sober4L' Dolan™, stole weed from him. Now the only people in this damn highschool that smoke are those rich ass kids you hang out with, and gray got a phone call about this whole situation and claimed that if he didn't get his money or the weed back, he was gonna shoot up him and take his lil girlfriend, 'the one with the braids'."

He rocks back and forth anxiously, knowing he was caught.

"and of course the only girl he's around with braids is me."

"okay look i-"

"Aht aht wait, I'm not done."

"because at the same time grayson was on the phone I had and interaction with the lovely ms.claire. She claimed I was 'fucking her boyfriend' and I asked who and she said 'grayson the one who stole weed for me'."

He puts his head in his hands.

"so now I'm looking at her like she dumb because we both know Grayson dosent smoke, so a couple hours later I ask grayson about the situation and then he tells me about the phone call, so we put two and two together."

"so gray got a call from someone claiming he stole thier weed, claire your lovely girlfriend enlightened me on the fact that I was sleeping with her boyfriend, who stole weed for her. Knowing Grayson is neither dating her or smokes. So who on earth, could have Grayson's number, steal Grayson name and identity and create a whole new fucking life. Oh hmm let's start with the fuck-amato who made the fuck sure no one knew he was a twin and also dates the girl that my ex boyfriend cheated on me with...who just so happens to be the fucking twin. what do you have to say for yourself?"

There is a pause between you and him.

"umm....I'm sorry."

"y-your sorry....SORRY YA BROTHER GOT SHOT AND ITS ALL YOUR- you know what here what we're gonna do."

You pull out your phone and you had saved daemin's number.

"you are gonna call oscar and tell him the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, and tell him you'll get his lil cousin his money back okay?" Because if not I will..."

"okay, okay, call him."

You call and the phone starts ringing. He picks up.

"hello?"

"hey daemin I have the actual guy you wanted to shoot at and damn near kill"

"word? Who is it then?"

"his twin brother."

"ohhhh shit. Aw damn aye is gray good man I feel like shit he didn't deserve this."

"he's fine but his brother ethan, on the other hand is the guy you should've got, but look since I don't want both of them shot the fuck up he is gonna over there and hand you the money okay?"

"shit alright"

You end the phone call and he sends you the address.

"alright let's go."

-------------------------------------------------

You and Ethan pull up to daemin's house.

"look when we get in here don't say shit give him the fckn money and don't say shit."

"alright alright"

You walk towards the door and knock on it. It's opens and there stands a guy around Ethan's height.

"um hi are you daemin?"

"yea that me, you got my money?"

"oh yea we do, Ethan give it to him"

He pulls 85 dollars out of his pocket

"here you go man, um sorry for-"

The door slammed in our faces.

"umm I guess that it-"

"how's Graysons shoulder?"

"oh it's good it's getting better I gotta get back to him though, he can't do everything by himself."

"alright cool I just wanted to make sure, does he need anything like I got bandages and a first aid."

"oh no no its fine my mom's a nurse I got all the stuff I need thank you though."

"alright bye drive safe"

"okay thank you!"

You and Ethan get back to the car.

Ethan turns to you. "Um he's nicer than expected."

"yea...um okay, I'm gonna take you back home. "

"yup okay sounds cool. "

The drive to Ethan's was awkward and quiet. He still stayed at him and Graysons childhood home. You haven't been there in years.

"well here we are. God it still looks the same."

"yea hasn't changed since the last time you've been here."

You turn to look at him.

"alrighty well- mphm"

Ethan kisses you holding the side of your face.

"I miss you. I do. I'm so fucking sorry for hurting you. You didn't deserve that, I took you for granted. Please give me another chance."

Your in shock to say the least. Staring at him in disbelief.

"...no Ethan."

"what? What do you mean?!"

"I mean no, I'm not going to go back to you I don't feel that way about you. And honestly once a cheater always a cheater, I just can't give myself back to the same person that changed me emotionally, to where it's hard for me to love people as much as I used to. Like what you do if I cheated on you, would you come back to me? And be honest with yourself."

He moves his hand.

"...no"

"exactly...so don't expect me to be the same. Goodbye Ethan."

He gets out and goes inside and you drive back to your place.

-------------------------------------------------

You come back home Grayson in the living room, on the couch.

You sit next to him and talk to him about what happened, he was worried and frustrated at first with the fact that you went but understood it was your life at risk to. A couple of weeks pass, Graysons wound is fixed and you guys are let out for winter break.

Spending time with Grayson made you realize, what you deserved in a relationship, the love, appreciation, affection, loyalty. All of it, you deserved it.

And you got it, you and Graysons infatuation with one another, grew bigger and bigger over winter break. The Christmas vibes, sleeping in onesies and making cookies. Making love next to the fire place, trails of kisses going down both his and your body.

Afterwords..."hey Grayson? Can I ask you something."

"of course beautiful what is it?"

"how would you feel if we went back to school, ya know together?"

"when were we going separately?"

"nooo silly like together, a thing, an "item". We go back in a relationship. If that's something you want?"

"Are fucking joking! Of course I would baby. God, I've been waiting." And with that you finally found the love of your life, whom which in the future you had your two twin daughters with. Inez and Felicity.

You've never been so content.

#gray #grayson dolan #grayson and ethan #grayson #love story #ethan dolan #bw #dolan twins

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shannygoatgruff · 4 years

Photo

Stay Safe, Stay Home Writing Challenge - (Call me if you need anything) @waiting4inspiration

Genre: Romance

Pairing: Modern Ivar x OC

Warning: Language, sexual innuendo, insecurity

Rating: M

Chapter 3 || Chapter 5

Chapter 4

The table at Clementin im Glashaus was amazing. The greenhouse windows of the restaurant overlooked the beautiful Palais Coburg Hotel, which used to be a palace belonging to the House of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha. Not to mention, Cash and Ivar had a completely unobstructed view of the sun setting over the city, from the domed glass ceiling of the restaurant. She felt like a princess. Had she known they were coming here, she would have worn something a bit more elegant than the Fashionova dress she was currently wearing.

“Stilles Wasser, mit Eis, bitte?” Mineral water with ice, please. She asked the waiter just before he left the table. She was trying her best to let him be chivalric and order their meals after they had discussed the menu. But he had forgotten about the water. She didn’t like sparking water, let alone it at room temperature. She had to say something. She couldn’t tell if she was being an obnoxious American, or not. Especially since men from Europe were so different from American men. They were slinky and sensitive. They wore skinny pants that showed off their ankles and shorts that came above their knee and kissed each other on the cheek. It was a different dynamic with them. She wasn’t trying to cross any cultural or gender roles by ordering ice water.

Shit, ice. He’d forgotten. That was so important…how could he let that slip? She was American - of course she liked ice. That should have been a given. He had just assumed that she didn’t even drink water. Americans just filled their cups to the brim with ice cubes and poured soda over it. Ivar mentally kicked himself for the oversight. “I have never met an American that spoke German with an Austrian accent.” He remembered that she had minored in German in college and Graduate school, but to hear her speak it, with an Austrian accent was rather impressive. Too bad she hadn’t decided to study Norweigan. “I have also never tried ice in my water," he said trying to make small talk.

“Really?” Cash blushed and tugged on the loose thread at hem of her dress, “It’s good. Cold.”

Why were they having such a hard time talking? They normally would talk for hours on the phone and their text and DM threads went on for days. The two of them never ran out of things to say to one another. She could think of a hundred things she wanted to say to him right now, but he seemed so much quieter in person. She kept waiting for one of his snappy comebacks, or for him to flirt with her like he always did, but he was giving her nothing. Maybe he didn’t like her after all.

“So, have you been here before?” She asked looking around the restaurant. It was easier to look anywhere than at him because all she wanted to do was stare at him. She had never been a fan of the man bun before, but it worked for him. Everything looked good on him. If she didn’t keep diverting her eyes, she would look like a total stalker. “This place is nice.”

Ivar put his napkin in his lap and hoped that the wine wouldn’t take much longer to get to the table. If he didn’t get a drink soon, he was going to clam up completely. He wanted to talk to her. He loved talking to her. He was just so nervous now that she was in front of him and she was so vibrant, pretty…real. “To Vienna or this restaurant?”

“Either,” Cash answered with a shrug.

“I have only been to Austria a few times. Mostly with my brothers.” Brothers. Right. He was going to have to explain Hvitserk… “I have never been here before. My brother, Ubbe, told me this is a good place to take a date.”

Was he blushing? God, he was cute. “Oh, this is our first date?” She licked her lips and smiled.

“Am I not doing something you want?” Fuck. Had been out of the dating game that long? Why didn’t she know this was their first date?

“No. Everything’s perfect. I just didn’t know if we were hanging out as friends, or on a date.” She took a big sip of her water. “We said we wouldn’t talk about our pictures, so there was no pressure, either way.”

“I already told you, I thought you were beautiful before I saw your picture.” Ivar had never been so happy to see a waiter in his life. He graciously accepted the glass of wine and motioned for the waiter to leave the bottle. He waited until Cash had her mixed drink placed before her and when they both had drinks they toasted. “Skol,” he said quickly before looking into the bottom of his glass, as he gulped nervously.

“So…” Her phone rang, causing her to jump. She quickly hit the video button and rolled her eyes. “Hey, Ma.” She smiled when Ivar smiled at her.

“Shay, are you okay? I been waiting for you to call me.” Barbara pursed her lips at her daughter to indicate she was upset. “You tell me you’re going to meet this Ivar-boy and then I don’t hear from you. I don’t know if he chopped you up, or sold you on the black market…”

Cash shook her head and threw her napkin ring at him when he chuckled at the comment. “I’m fine, Ma. In fact, Ivar and I are at dinner, right now.” She panned over for her mother to see Ivar.

She felt all warm inside when Ivar waved at her mother and politely said, “Hello, momma.”

“Well, hey there baby. It's good to finally see you. Were you excited to meet see Shay? She's so pretty, isn't she?" Cash rested her head on hand as she watched Ivar's face light up, as her mother refused to let him get a word in edgewise. As usual, Ivar and her mother sat there talking like two old friends. "And look at you...you're so handsome. I bet you just have all the girls all after you. You better not break my baby's heart. You take care of my girl while she's over there, okay?"

Ivar thought Cash's mom was a hoot. He had always enjoyed hearing about her and talking to her when Cash was in the States. Looking at her face, it was easy to see where Cash got her looks. "Cash is as beautiful as her momma. When I saw her, I just want to keep smiling." He glanced over at Cash and noticed the coy way she looked at him causing him to divert his eyes back to the phone's screen. "I promise, I will take care of her." He handed the phone back to Cash and poured more wine in his glass.

"Make sure to call me later.” Barbara Heath said to her daughter when her face reappeared on the screen. She held the phone close to her mouth and dramatically mouthed the words, He’s cute. “Love you, Shay.”

“Love you, too.” She disconnected the call and looked at Ivar. “Sorry about that. My mom’s a little over-protective.”

“Your momma is sweet. My brothers? They are a pain." He rolled his eyes, "My older brother, Ubbe, sent my brother, Hvitserk, here to be my chaperone.” He shook his head in disbelief. “I have almost 26 years, I do not need a babysitter.”

“Why did he do that?”

The second glass of wine he had just started on was finished in about two gulps. Ivar knew he was drinking too fast, but it made him feel better about talking, but it did nothing to stop his hands from sweating. All he needed to do was deflect the conversation away from his legs, Hvitserk and everything else wrong in the world for tonight. He could worry about the truth tomorrow. “I always wanted to ask. Why does your momma call you Shay?”

“Oh, that. My first name is Cachet.” She made a disgusted face at the sound of her government name. “Most people call me Cash. My parents still call me Shay.”

“Which do you prefer?” Cash shrugged, giving no real thought to question. “What would you like me to call you?”

She lifted her eyes to him with a heavy-lidded stare. “What do you want to call me?” She was hoping it was be something freaky, like Chocolatate, or Sexual Chocolate…what exactly was in this drink, anyway?

“Nydelig.”

"And what does that mean?”

Ivar’s lips turned up into a boyish grin, “Look it up,” he said as the waiter sat their dinner plates in front of them.

It was a beautiful night and the city lights were magical. After dinner, Cash and Ivar stopped for torte at a local bakery and to pick up spirits before Cash decided that she was ready to head back to her hotel. She would see Vienna tomorrow; it was almost 8 pm and she was exhausted. A day of nerves, traveling, and now jetlag meant she was going to sleep good tonight.

Ivar had insisted that he see her back to her hotel safely and who was she to refuse? The walk from the restaurant to her hotel had been a short one and she had invited him in because though she was tired, she wasn't quite ready for their first date to end.

Sitting on the patio of her ground-floor hotel room, she folded her legs on her chair and sipped on a glass of Moscato d’Asti they picked up along their walk. “So, we’ve been talking for months and in all this time, you never said anything.” She twirled the liquid around in her glass. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?” She wanted to bring it up earlier, but before didn't seem like the right time. But now they both seemed a bit more relaxed and the conversation felt more organic. It felt like one of their normal conversations, not like two strangers meeting each other for the first time.

Ivar’s heart stopped in his throat. Did he really think he could avoid the pink elephant in the room? Did he honestly believe he was going to get through tonight without addressing why he lied to her about his legs? Of course, she had noticed his limp and those damn crutches. She knew he had a physical impairment; he wasn't that skilled at deflecting the conversation, she had just been too polite say anything all night.

He took a deep drag of his cigarette and blew the smoke out in the opposite direction. “I was going to tell you, but I did not know what to say. I hate these things.” He took his crutches and roughly pushed them into the corner. “Since I was small, all the surgeries and bone lengthening and leg braces…canes. I did not want you to pity me.” He picked at a rough cuticle on his thumb before putting his cigarette back to his lips.

Cash laughed, “I was talking about the fact that you smoke.”

“Oh, shit.” Ivar laughed in return. He took a sip from his glass of whiskey before sitting it back on the table. “I am Scandinavian. We all smoke.”

Cash nodded, still trying to digest what he said before about his impairment. “Are you in pain?” She asked, hoping she wasn't prying.

Shrugging, Ivar sat back in his seat and looked out at the lanterns that illuminated the small garden. “I hurt, but not really pain.” He licked his lips as he tried to think of how he could make it make sense to her. “When I was born my legs were deformed…one shorter than the other and both twisted. They were fucked. I had surgeries with metal rods to make them straight, and longer, and all that. But, they never really got strong and the pain never really went away. I grew up with it. I live with it.

Sometimes, when the weather is bad – snow, or rain for many days, or when it starts to get cold and wet, I have pain. When I walk too much or go a whole day without taking these damn braces off, I get pain. But the normal hum that always is there? That’s just Elias.”

“I'm sorry, who?”

“The name of the pain. My old friend, Elias.” Ivar chuckled at the memory. It was a code-word he and his mother made up when he was little. It was his way of letting her know that he was in pain, without alerting the rest of the family. He never wanted his brothers to treat him differently because of his impairment, so they came up with a code. If he would tell his mother that Elias visited him at school, she knew that he needed medicine, warm compresses and rest.

“The people in my head have names,” Cash said absently.

“Excuse me?”

She wiggled herself forward in her chair and leaned to rest her elbows on the table. If they were dishing about their crazy, he was in for a treat. “You know on in the movies people have an angel and a devil that sit on their shoulder to tell them what to do?” She waited until he nodded. “I don’t think I have that. I just have these people in my head and they are always having conversations. Jasmine and Jessica. These bitches don’t agree on anything. They’re supposed to be here to help me, you know like my conscious. But I’m usually playing referee between them…like everybody calm the fuck down. They get on my nerves.”

Ivar laughed at her animation. He couldn’t believe that he just told her about his legs and she countered with the fact that she was probably schizophrenic.

Taking another sip of her drink, she studied his face. “Can you walk without that stuff?” She pointed to the crutches.

He shook his head. “I can stand, but not walk. My legs do not hold my full weight. My right leg does not bend. My left does but, I still need to hold onto objects to balance, otherwise, I would fall. The legs do not move together, so I bind them. .” He closed his eyes, “When I do not have the braces – I crawl.”

“We talk about everything, Ivar…”

“I could not just tell you.” He looked her in the eye, holding her gaze for the first time that night. “I could not stand it if you stopped talking to me.”

“Did you think I talked to you all this time because I thought you were going to win a Walk-A-Thon? You didn’t even give me a chance.” She watched as he played with the wrapper on the whiskey bottle.

“I did not want to disappoint you.”

She licked her lips, “I’m not disappointed.” Her words came out in almost a whisper.

Did she move toward him, or did he come toward her? Just like knowing which truly happened between the Big Bang Theory and Evolution - it's all a matter of opinion. Perhaps there was a seismic shift in the tectonic plates that moved their bodies toward each other at the exact moment in time. Whatever happened, the space between them closed and their lips touched.

It was so soft at first, that the feeling of their warm breath on each other’s lips left more of an ache than the flesh that preceded it. But after that brief contact, came a hand. A soft, small hand, with delicate fingers, gently holding the side of his neck and her thumb tracing invisible patterns along his jawline. When her hand made contact with his face, his lips reclaimed hers with just the slightest bit of trepidation, but much more curiosity.

He pulled back for a moment just to look at her face before she gently nipped at his full bottom lip and the next thing he knew she was swallowing his moan. Her mouth was still sweet from the Moscato as Ivar opened his more and allowed his tongue to gently lick her lips. He wasn’t sure when he seized the back of her neck and pulled her toward him. Maybe it was when she looked at him that way, the way he had always wanted a woman to look at him. The way Freydis used to look at him all those years ago. Cash looked at him like she wanted him. No one had looked at him like that in a very long time.

Oh, he was good – how had she ended up on his lap? His lips felt like velvet and his tongue was as smooth as silk. His breath had a pleasant smoked whiskey flavor that reminded her of a bar she went to in college. That’s where she had met Big Dick Darryl. What a fun night that had been.

Ivar had this gentle way of pulling back, like he was about to break contact, only to come at her mouth at a different angle. He wasn’t a sloppy kisser by any means, every placement of his lips was deliberate, tactical, well thought out….sensual. Even the people in her head were in awe of his lip skills.

It took every ounce of restraint he had when Ivar felt Cash’s fingertips touch the base of his throat and gently slide down his chest. More than anything he wanted to be able to pick her up and carry her back into her room, throw her down on the bed and do whatever they do in movies before the camera pans to the vase on the dresser. But, he knew he would never be able to do that. He wasn’t sure what exactly caused it – be it finally meeting her in person, the feeling of her lips on his, a woman touching and wanting him, or knowing that he’d never be able to share in the same stories of freaky sexual exploits like his brothers…but suddenly he had the urge to cry.

Pulling back slowly, Ivar kept his eyes on Cash’s lips noticing how they still glistened from his kiss. He had been so cool, so smooth all this time, with her, from their first online conversation, and now, all he wanted was to be held. “I’m sorry.”

“What’s wrong?” Why were they stopping? This was going extremely well. Were her kissing skills not up to par? No one had ever told her she was a bad kisser before. She’d made it a point not to get anything filled with garlic or onions with dinner so she wouldn’t have stinky breath, just in case he tried to get a good night kiss. Hell, she even had on a really cute matching ‘just in case’ underwear. So far, things were going extremely well, she thought.

Running his thumb across her jawline he tried to restrain himself from kissing her again. “I think I should go back to my hotel. You had a long day and are probably tired.”

“You don’t have to go, yet.” Did she sound too eager? She didn’t want to seem slutty, but they had been talking for six months and it had been a hot minute since she got laid.

Ivar exhaled slowly through his nose, trying his best to calm himself. “I don’t want to spoil our first date.” He kissed her lovingly on the forehead “I think it is best if I go now.” He let her follow him to the door before stopping and turning around to kiss her softly on the lips. “I can see you tomorrow?”

Cash got on her tiptoes to kiss him again, “Yes.”

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lena-in-a-red-dress · 5 years

Text

Supercorp True Crime AU, Pt 2

(continued from Part 1)

We don’t see Lena’s experience, focusing instead on Kara’s increasingly desperate search for her. Luckily, Lena’s struggles in her apartment leaves them evidence– blood and hair and fibers. They rush it through the labs, plug it into VICAP, and anxiously wait for a hit.

Meanwhile, they pore through CCTV footage of the building and the surrounding streets, anything to try and get a lead as to the unsub’s identity– or his location– as the deadline ticks closer.

They’re too late. The fourteenth day comes and goes, and something in the room snaps, the tension giving way to despair. But they keep looking, waiting for the alert of another body found.

The call never comes.

Before they have time wonder what it might mean, VICAP gets a match to a registered sex offender who’d apparently kept himself clean in the decades since his release from prison– and had inherited an isolated cabin up in the mountains.

They rush to the address listed, and soon find the reason for the lack of body. The man is lying dead in the grass just off his front porch, with an assault rifle in his hands and a kitchen knife buried in his thigh– the cause of death apparently a severed femoral artery.

A search of the cabin uncovers nothing but a hidden room Kara wishes had remained unseen– the only trace of Lena are her shoes tossed carelessly inside a closet.

Their profile indicates the man worked alone, so the only conclusion they can draw is that Lena somehow got her hands on the knife, struck low and hard, and then bolted into the surrounding forest.

It’s soon apparent that the rifle had at least been somewhat effective in its purpose before it’s user had bled out: they find a trail of blood that leads them deep, deep into the woods. There’s no path, and even in daylight the foliage casts such shadow they can barely see the speckles of blood. Eventually, they lose it entirely at a stream.

The search party fans out, and Kara strikes out with her thoughts full of Lena. The unsub has been dead for days, and if the timeline held true, then Lena likely made her escape when he tried to move her to the final kill site. Which means she’s been out in the wild for days.

Alone. Wounded. Terrified.

She’s so deep in thought that she almost walks straight off a sheer drop to a stony riverbed below. Only a quick grab onto a tree at the precipice keeps her from going over, and her ears roar as she stares at the bottom of the ravine.

And then she freezes when one shadow on the rocks below doesn’t match the speckled shade of foliage.

Blood.

Without a second thought she slides down the steep embankment, nearly breaking her neck in the process, but her heart doesn’t truly start to pound until she spots the trail of blood that leads off into the glade beyond.

“Lena? Lena!”

Her voice bounces off the leaves and stones, making her feel very small she picks her way through the brush, following the blood-smeared trail.

She finds Lena at the wide base of an oak tree, curled tightly to conserve heat.

“LENA!!” Kara slides to her knees at Lena’s side, searching for a pulse. Her bare feet are battered and bloody, and the back of her shirt is dark with blood that has slowly pooled against the bark. Kara’s fingers hit metal before they find a pulse– handcuffs. Battered and smeared with blood and dirt, but still intact.

Kara can’t find a pulse beneath the chill skin of Lena’s wrist, but relief floods her when Lena’s chest lifts in a ragged breath.

“Lena! Lena, hey! Can you hear me?” Kara pats gently at an ashen cheek, earning a flutter of eyelashes. “That’s it, Lena open your eyes for me–”

Green eyes peek through dirty lashes, and Kara’s heart lifts for the first time in weeks as she twists to bellow over her shoulder.

“I’VE GOT HER!!”

The radio crackles at her hip, and she scrambles for it to relay their position, even as distant voice lift in response to her shout.

“We’ll need a medical team and travois,” Kara says, her voice still shaking as she stares at the broken bone poking out of Lena’s thigh– no doubt a result of the sharp drop at their backs, which Lena likely wouldn’t have been so lucky to avoid.

There’s something awful about a simple misstep being the thing to render Lena so helpless, after escaping a monster, and a gunshot wound.

“She’s in bad shape.”

A response crackles over the radio, but it doesn’t register over the sound of her name rasping from Lena’s lips.

“Kar…”

She doesn’t quite make it, her eyelids drooping shut as her eyes roll ominously. “No, no, no, hey! Hey, stay with me, okay?”

Kara strips off her pack, immediately digging through its contents for the mylar emergency blanket she’d brought with her. When she settled it over Lena, she saw Lena’s shoulders relax ever so slightly at the instant warmth.

“D'you get ‘im?” Lena asks, unable to muster more than a whisper through lips numbed by exhaustion and shock.

“You got him,” Kara corrects, as the first of the medics comes scraping down the slope. “He’s dead.”

She isn’t sure Lena hears her, but when Kara slips her hand into Lena’s, she feels the slightest pressure answer back.

—-

Kara visits Lena every day– she wouldn’t leave at all if the nurses didn’t enforce their visiting hours with an iron fist.

But the time away from the hospital gives her time to tie up the loose ends of the investigation, and to rest and clean herself up so that she resembled something human the next time visits. Best of all, it gives her a chance to see Lena’s features lift into a smile every time she walks in the room.

“They got you on the good stuff then?” Kara asks the first time it happens– the first time Lena is conscious and lucid and pain-free.

Lena’s eyebrows shrug in muted amusement. “Must be.”

With a concussion, a broken wrist, a compound fracture of her right femoral shaft, and not one but two gunshot wounds, she’s in far better spirits that she might have a right to be. Her leg would stay in traction until she’s well enough to undergo surgery to repair it, and tubes were hard at work draining the fluid that had gathered in her chest cavity courtesy of the bullet wounds.

Kara sets her vase of flowers on the small counter across from the bed, and herself in the visitor chair, passing a large, plush teddy bear to the bed bound patient. Lena accepts it with a thin but genuine smile.

“Thank you.”

“Figured you could use the company when I’m driven away every night.”

Lena hugs it gently to her chest. “It’s soft…”

“And cute,” Kara teases. “Just like you.”

She earns another little smile, but it quickly fades as Lena’s features grow solemn. “I owe you an apology, Kara.”

Kara shakes her head no. “Lena…”

“Please let me finish,” Lena insists, hugging the bear that much closer. Kara’s jaw clicks shut. “I had a lot of time to think in there, knowing I was probably going to die, and… my biggest regret was how I’d left things with you.”

“But you were right, Lena. About everything–”

“Which you admitted a long time ago.” A thin shoulder lifts under the hospital gown. “When you tried to get me to back off, it felt like a power play. I resented your attempt at control, and I was so angry that you turned out to be just like…”

She trails off, pressing her lips together as she searches for new words.

“It’s been so long since anyone cared about me, in that way, that I didn’t realize you said it out of worry. And by the time I did…”

Lena’s gaze falls to the the bear in her arms, her fingers combing through its soft fur.

“By the time I did… I was afraid of much I missed you.”

Kara stares at her, speechless. Lena swallows thickly, and she wipes sharply at her bruised cheeks to dry the tears starting to gather.

“I’m sorry I let it go so long. You deserve better–”

Without thinking, Kara pulls the bear from Lena’s arms and fills the emptied space with herself, leaning awkardly to wrap her arms around Lena with the utmost care. Lena clings to her in an instant, her tears dampening the collar of Kara’s shirt.

“I’m sorry,” Lena murmurs. “I’m so sorry…”

“I’m sorry too,” Kara returns softly. “But I’m so, so grateful to have a chance to fix it.”

When the hospital releases Lena with the caveat she have someone on hand to assist, it’s Kara she goes home with.

By the time Lena’s able to be on her own… neither of them make any effort to leave.

#supercorp #true crime au #crime writer au #detective au #angst #peril #whump #happy ending #nothing graphic

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myheroaizawashota · 6 years

Note

Could you pretty please do something with Aizawa and his s/o and the fated scenario of getting wisdom teeth removed and being all loopey afterwards. I really couldn't decide if it be funnier of Aizawa was the one all drugged up or s/o was and he just has to deal with it. You can decide which one. I don't mind either way.

[I would acrually Pay money to see this acrually happen hahaha I think aizawa I’m drugs is gonna be a knee slapped so I’m gonna take it thst route!]

You stood silent in the corner of the uncomfortably small room, arms filled with your husbands capture weapon as he sat sulking in the dentist chair. For weeks he’d stubbornly fought your advice to visit the dentist, insisting he could just manage through the pain he was in. You could see minor swelling along his jaw, which if you believed him, allegedly didn’t cause to much discomfort. You’ve learned though what your husband says and what he feels are two different things. After watching him suffer on for three weeks, eventually you were able to convince him to see a doctor. Though, in fairness once he became unable to sleep due to the pain the issue took a lot less prodding on your end.

With a sigh you gently stepped over to where he sat, stroking the back of your hand against the good side of his face “I don’t know why you waited so long to come to the dentist Shouta...i didn’t think big tough pro hero Eraserhead was afraid of the dentist” you chuckled in an attempt to lighten the mood before the doctor arrived.

“I’m not afraid of the dentist, that would be an illogical fear...” He paused a moment leaning his cheek into your hand, you swearing you could see genuine emotion covering his face as he sighed.

You couldn’t help but place a small kiss to the top of his head, leaning your hip against the side of the medical chair. “That pause sounded like you wanted to admit something there darling” you couldn’t help but snicker, his eyes unamused as they glares your way. “Shouta relax....im sure you’re going to be fine...the dentist should be in any moment with the results”

You gave him a small smile trying your best to as well provide him some peace of mind but, you could see his body tense up the moment to doctor walked into the room. You could swear you’d never seen this man express so many emotions before in your life, all in one instant the seal that held back every emotion began to crumble one by one they crossing his lips. The corners of his mouth began to tug into a frown, he cringing slightly at the burst of pain it sent. You both watched as the doctor pinned the X-Ray on the board in front of him. “Let me say for starters, you’re going to be fine. This is just a strong bit of discomfort from your wisdom teeth. It’s nothing that’s going to effect your life drastically” the man laughed “but i do suggest we remove them.”

You watched as Aizawa white knuckled the arm of the dentist chair, your hand immediately moving to calm his nerves you simply just letting your finger tips rest softly on his knuckles. “Are they that bad off?” You asked the doctor, he leisurely pinning them up on a lighted screen for both of you to see.

He hummed and with the cap of his pen pointed to the area in question “do you see all this inflamation? This is just caused simply by a lack of space in the mouth. The best course of action we could take would be to remove the tooth, cutting the problem straight in the rear end.”

You could tell just by the look on Aizawa’s face that he had no intentions of removing the tooth, his mouth pulled miserably into a frown “I can assure you during the procedure you won’t fee a thing Mr. Aizawa, you’ll be numbed to the heavens” he all but laughed “what we’ll do is pop a small intravenous right into your arm as well as numbing the gums with a bit of novicane. It’s easy enough, though with how far out your wisdom teeth have broken, i would suggest we do the procedure today.”

That was all Aizawa needed to hear. Today? Nope. Absolutely not. You watched as your foolish husband moved to get up, you immediately pressing his chest back down into the chair “he’ll do it, becusse with his schedule we don’t know when he’ll be able to come back” you huff, eyes giving him a very tested ‘do not even try me Shouta or you will be sleeping in that beloved sleeping bag of yours on the couch for a week’ look. You watched as his eyes softened, sometimes he was like caring for a child...rational and stoic he was, but sometimes he just acted so foolish. “You will be fine, you need to get this surgery done. It’s affecting your work now. The last thing i need is for you to be distracted by a simple tooth ache and you slip up while out on patrol.”

He couldn’t disagree with you. The throbbing pain in his jaw was enough to keep him distracted in most daily task. Not to mention the fact teaching was made a lot more difficult when he couldn’t open his mouth to speak. With a reluctant sigh his eyes shifted from yours to the doctors “approximately how long do you think this surgery will take?”

The doctor pressed his lips in thought as he snapped on a set of latex gloves, softly grabbing Aizawa’s chin, careful not to hurt him. He’d made that mistake first time around, and the pro hero was quick to share his complaints about it. You watched as the dentist instructed your lover to tilt his head back he looking around at the inside of his mouth “well, luckily enough your wisdom teeth are a little easier for me to get at than most, though looking in here once more I can see the pressure one of them is putting on your left molar...i would recommend taking the bottom two wisdom teeth out today. I can very easily have you out of here within two hours”

You sighed and tuggged Aizawas scarf closer to your chest, you felt bad forcing him along but you knew it was in best interest no matter how terrified he seemed. “You can handle two hours, this is nothing.” You encouraged him lips pressing to the tip of his nose.

You swear you can see the corners of his mouth fold up, even if they shortly after smoothen out back to his normal unamused stoic expression. With his head hung slightly in defeat, he sighed and looked up at you “I’ll see you in two hours.”

Those two hours were what seemed like the longest two hours of your life, even though you knew they weren’t. You nervously bounced your leg in the waiting room, fingers gently playing with the scarf in your lap. You knew he was going to be okay, but you still couldn’t help but feel a bit uneasy. Were you sure forcing him to do this today was the best thing for him? You should have given him time to apply his own feelings and logic to the situation instead of guilting him into things. “Ms. Aizawa, your husband is ready for you now” the nursing assistant smiled, she holding a chart in her hands.

With relief in your heart, you stood and gathered your belongings before following her into Shouta’s room. Poor thing looked so incredibly tired, more so than usual. “He’s on quite a bit of pain relievers” she noted, flipping the pages up and down on her clip board. “From what it says the doctor needed to dig just a bit deeper, when removing the tooth the bone fragments fractured and splintered along his gums. Don’t worry, it was all taken care of, but he’ll just be in a bit more discomfort than most.”

You frowned and moved to run your hand gently over the top of his head, pausing when he lifted his arm to grab yours, he immediately tucking it to his chest. Your heart fluttered and you couldn’t help but laugh “I told you that you’d be fine you silly man.”

It was in thst moment your husband did something so uncharacteristic you nearly asked the nurse if she was sure this was the same Shouta Aizawa you had left just 2 hours ago. He laughed, his mouth of gauze fully exposed as he shook. “What’s so funny?” You couldn’t imagine what you’d said that was so humerus.

“I’m a silly man” he chuckled before leaning into you “am i your silly man? You look very beautiful, not that that’s very important to me but you’re so beautiful.”

You gently tucked his head to your chest and giggled, kissing the crown of his head with a smile “of course I’m yours...now come on let me take you home, I can’t wait to tell Yamada about this one” you laughed. You helped him up and out of the chair, his body purposely bumping and knocking into yours as you walked together, his hand desperately clinging onto yours.

As you lowered him into the car and buckled him up, you were shocked when he grabbed your head and tucked it tightly to his chest you nearly dropping the keys to the car on the floor “H-hey watch it- Shout what are you doing you jerk-“

“I’m sorry I’m so difficult all the time Y/N”

You stopped dead in your tracks heart racing at those words. What did he just say? You waited a moment before responding, your ear pressing against his chest as he kissed the top of your head admittedly drooling on it a bit. “Difficult?” You repeated.

“I’m so difficult.” He hummed finally releasing your head as his eyes began to close. “I can be a really ass to you and you don’t deserve any of it your such a good wife Y/N. You’re here for me even when I’m being a stubborn idiot. I never tell you what I’m feeling or even tell you what you need to hear. Even when I go as far as messing things up beyond repair, you still always are there telling me it’s going to be okay, and that I’ll figure it out because I’m the smartest man you know.”

Your heart began to break a bit at his confession, tears threatening to spill from the corners of your eyes as you watched him do yet another thing you’ve never seen. You watched as he cried, “and sometimes I don’t know that i am the smartest guy. I do pretty dumb things. I don’t go to doctors when I need to, I rush head first into things even when I know stepping back and assessing things I shouldn’t and I make you worry so much all the time. I’m sorry if I don’t make you happy sometimes.”

This was so bizarre, it was as if he was releasing four years of emotions at you all at once. You sighed and pressed a kiss to his forehead, your index finger running along his water line as you wiped it dry “hey, you listen to me okay? You make me the happiest woman every day of our lives Shouta Aizawa. I knew what being in a relationship with you entailed and i didn’t care. Sure sometimes it is hard for me, and sure sometimes I wanna smack you upside the head for worrying me sick most days but that doesn’t mean I’m not happy with you. By far that is not what it means.”

His arms moved to wrap around your body weakly and you knew he it wouldn’t be long before he’d fall asleep. You gave a sniffle and wrapped his scarf gently around his shoulders. With that said you headed to the drivers side of the vehicle and started the engine, head turning when you hear a muffled “I love you Y/N. I don’t say it enough, but I do.”

Your wrist rubbed at your eyes and you couldn’t help but grin at that. “I know you do...and I love you too.”

BONUS:

[ this wasn’t asked for but I also thought I’d be a bit humorous if Aizawa got into some mischief with some texts! Disclaimer: I do not own the art I used in the text below art credit to Nartothelar]

#aizawa x reader #aizawa x hizashi #aizawa shouta #yamada hizashi #bnha aizawa #bnha hizashi #bnha x reader #bnha requests #bnha #my hero academia #plus ultra #requested

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frankencocksupremacy · 5 years

Note

You don’t have to answer this if it’s too personal I was just wondering how did you deal with the negativity/stress around phalloplasty? I’m having it soon and it’s a serious downer hearing both the negative talk from non-op guys and stories from people have regretted surgery (even if that’s rare). I’d appreciate any advice if it’s not too much to ask

i don't mind answering this at all, no worries. this sort of thing has actually been on my mind for a long time and this gives me an excuse to talk about it lol. please note that just because something made me feel better that doesn't mean it'll work for you. we're all individuals and i'm no therapist. also note that i'm still in recovery and my main way of coping with anything heavy is cracking jokes (INCELS STILL WISH THEY WERE ME) so try to take particularly specific things i say with a grain of salt and feel free to toss out whatever advice seems unhelpful. if none of this works for you, i apologize, but maybe someone will find it beneficial.

ANYWAY here's whats been helping me get through my days (i tried to condense it but it ended up being a novel anyway oops):

⦁ post-op depression is real and it happens to lots of people. it can be coped with. keep yourself as mentally well as you can post-op. seek the support of people who care. immerse yourself in things you enjoy (just be careful if those things are drugs or sex. ask your doc about what your limits are while you're healing). develop a strong sense of humor. and be patient with yourself if you get frustrated or insecure. post-op depression doesn't last forever, and contrary to what some people believe, it also doesn't mean you've made a mistake. it's completely normal to feel shitty when you're in pain and exhausted for a long time

⦁ don't share more then you're willing to, no matter what. you don't owe nobody nuthin. transition is personal and nobody is entitled to the details, esp if they just want to know how to better shit talk you. be polite towards the well meaning, but set your boundaries and don't let people bully you past them. there are some trans people who think we must share all of our experiences, that we must make ourselves vulnerable for each others' sakes, but i promise you nobody will die if you choose to keep things private

⦁ understand when people are speaking in bad faith. non-ops who find bottom surgery "faulty" or are jealous of it don't care about the actual results, they just want you to feel bad for either living differently then them or for having what they don't. spiteful detrans people don't care about the thousands of happy post-op people who live and die as their transitioned gender, they're bitter about their own difficult experience. trans people who regret bottom surgery have their reasons to and that should be respected, but those reasons are entirely theirs (read: not a reflection on you or a guarantee that you'll feel the same way). Their_Experience_Is_Not_Universal.jpeg. none of these people having different lives or opinions needs to mold your reality

⦁ in addition to that, realize when people are speaking from a place of bias. of course someone who hasn't/can't have this surgery may talk shit, that's what sour grapes and internalized transphobia do to you. of course shittier people who've detran'd think nobody can be happy with the outcome of surgery, they're focused entirely on their own pain. of course people with surgical regret may try to disuade others from surgery, it wasn't what they wanted/needed/expected and they typically think they're doing you a favor. don't buckle to other people's perceptions of this operation without asking yourself what's motivating their mindset and what they'd get out of you believing it. everyone has intentions and they're not always good

⦁ don't argue with people who have made up their minds that they dislike your body, your decisions, or you as a person. you will not win, and you won't change their mind no matter how you respond to them. they'll just drain your energy and convince themselves that your reaction proves they're right. if someone makes a disparaging comment in person, subtley express disapproval at their social faux pas and then ignore them. if you get nasty messages online, delete them without acknowledging them publicly at all, even if you have the sickest of burns ready. and then reward yourself for staying mellow by doing something you enjoy, esp if its with people who actually respect you and make you happy

⦁ you are not a hypothetical or a statistic, so don't cling to them and psych yourself out. many men have this surgery and are thrilled with their lives after, and no percentage of people who encounter A Bad Thing That Happens Sometimes has ever changed that. live with what's happening right now in mind, not what could happen or has happened to others. this isn't to say you shouldn't be aware of or prepared for things like complications or difficult feelings, of course, just don't borrow trouble

⦁ in case it ever comes up: anyone who says your penis "isn't real" or "isn't functional" is wrong. your penis will be real, and chances are that if you've elected to get phallo, it will have the functions you'll need for it to be worth it to you. i can't predict your surgery outcome, and i'm only 6 weeks out as of yesterday so lord knows what's in my future, but my penis is very much a penis and it becomes more like how i want it to be every day. it's my own flesh and blood, i urinate through it, and someday i will have sex with it. cis =/= real and we'd all be better, happier people if we stopped pretending that was the case

⦁ reach out to other men who've had this surgery. feeling isolated and alone makes it easier to fall victim to the negative mindsets of (internally) transphobic people. frankly a lot of us are very happy to share because too many of us had to go through our transitions without much guidance or support, and we get that from discussing it with each other. if you need explicit permission to feel comfortable reaching out, though, my ask and IMs are always open and i love talking to other trans people about medical transition wink wink nudge nudge

⦁ don't be hard on yourself if you have transphobic or unsure thoughts. this is normal and almost impossible to avoid regardless of how things go. beating yourself up fixes nothing, least of all negative thinking. instead, if you find yourself half-believing non-ops who are insulting this surgery, question yourself. would you berate or judge another man getting phallo? are your thoughts framing cis people and their bodies as superior to trans people and theirs, and if so, why? are you dwelling on your own insecurities or dysphoria with little else backing your logic? if after surgery you start panicking because of things detrans or regretful trans people have said, keep asking. has this change actually made your life worse, or are you just anxious about it hypothetically being a regret someday? does focusing on the negative experience of others actually benefit you in any way? do you genuinely relate to the experiences these people have when they share why they're regretful? self interrogation might keep you from feeling like you're just ignoring narratives that make you uncomfortable, all while letting you constructively work through your feelings

⦁ remind yourself that no matter what anyone says or thinks, you're not changing for them. naysayers of phallo never prevented me from getting - and loving! - mine. ignorant detrans people have never made me go back to being a girl. others' surgical regret and post-op horror stories have not kept me from getting any surgeries. my life is mine, i choose what to do with it, and no matter how much hate or misinformation i've been faced with, i have persisted because my transition is for me and i know i'd regret it if i never took my chances with it. phallo wasn't for any romantic partners, or my family, or society, it was truly for Me. your transition is for You. you have one life. do what you truly believe will make it the best it can be, and no matter what happens you will be better off in some way for having tried

if you can maintain a healthy, productive way of thinking that focuses on self acceptance, you're golden. it's not easy, i know, but even the smallest effort to try makes a noticable difference. you're gonna do great. keep your chin up

(small note: i mention detrans people a lot here because they are among the people who experience surgical regret and some are loudly opposed to surgical transition because of it. i have no issue with people detransitioning. but notice how each time i bring them up i'm describing ones that are volatile and intentionally hurtful. those are the kind of detrans people i don't care for. plenty of detrans people are chill. don't listen to the ones that aren't)

#asks #mine #phalloplasty #bottom surgery #here i wrote a book on accident #if even one person is benefited by this post i'll be glad to have written it

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kinkymagnus · 5 years

Note

Ur VP here! So I just got my period and I am NOT coping so... What was Magnus & Alec's reaction the first time Magnus had his period whilst being with Alec? (Ik Magnus probably has some magical contraception he takes but maybe he has to have one every 3 months like the pill?? And Ik that T usually stops periods but DAMNIT I AM S A D & DISPHORIC)

literally same actually wow

hm i always was kind of like “uhhh warlocks can’t have kids so magnus doesn’t have to worry about getting pregnant (unless i’m specifically writing an au about that but i usually go alpha/omega with that kind of thing oops i have no idea why)” but i mean, he could still easily be on T or some sort of magical contraceptive specifically to stop his period and stuff (i know someone who does that, actually, but there are long term health problems i think?) so

but it’s very possible he would still get his period, too, and since a lot of my trans magnus headcanons are Projecting(TM) let’s say that’s a thing

okay so i’ve actually thought about this before. not so much about alec’s first reaction, but about magnus during his period. (i actually briefly had a trans malec post in my drafts where both of them were trans and i stand by the mentioned headcanon that they’re tampon/pad user solidarity--specifically, magnus using tampons and alec pads. but also i scrapped that post for Reasons. but still.)

but really. alec just being a supportive af boyfriend. he learns pretty quickly what magnus needs/wants (i have no idea if a massage would help or not because i’ve never gotten one but i’ve always FELT like that would help a lot and what the hell, alec would LOVE giving magnus massages anyway)

so he brings him like chocolate or whatever food he might be craving, often greasy kinda trash food he normally probably wouldn’t touch. he holds him when he wants to just sort of curl up and cry because the cramps hurt and yes he has a magical heat pad that alec is happy to press to his abdomen for him, yes he has painkillers and usually a potion--although it’s not always brewed, magnus is so busy sometimes he loses track and it sneaks up on him--but it still hurts damn it and he hates this and he feels kind of sick and gross but alec is right there for him when he needs him.

and like, sometimes he wakes up bleeding or begins bleeding at a bad time and he can conjure up what he needs (LUCKY) but alec’s still there to help him out, covering for him when he needs to suddenly rush off, or like--yeah, magnus can conjure up new clothes but alec is happy to offer his own if needed. because boyfriends sharing their clothes is cute.

dysphoria is a thing too, of course. it just reminds him of what he is and how wrong he feels, reminds him of how he feels trapped in the wrong body sometimes--and sure some people like to have sex on their periods but not magnus because 1. nothing is coming near this vagina let alone inside it except a tampon right now, 2. cramps don’t make sexy times, 3. most importantly... normally, his bottom dysphoria isn’t that strong. he can tell himself that his parts are his, they’re not wrong or lady parts or gross or whatever else he sometimes feels, they’re just a part of him and his body isn’t undesirable or wrong, it’s okay to feel good and enjoy his clit being touched and things inside him, it’s okay to like who he is and what’s between his legs. but times like this it just feels like pain and gross feelings, there’s all these gross feelings around pregnancy even though he knows it isn’t possible for him, which is a whole other tangle of complicated emotions, and like. femininity, how this is a “female” thing, and it makes him feel all disconnected and wrong.

it just makes him so aware of all the things that feel wrong. like the achy chest, if he doesn’t have top surgery or something, and just. all of it.

not to mention any jokes involving “time of the month” and shit, and the mood swings make him feel worse, but he tries way too hard to not be cranky or touchy because he hates “time of the month” jokes and anything to distance himself from these stereotypes, even though he knows that’s kind of not great. so he overcompensates, gets if anything more accommodating and nice and smiling through the pain. like honestly he normally just doesn’t even act different, he just smiles through the pain even when it hurts really fucking badly.

so i imagine that magnus doesn’t even tell alec! and it doesn’t quite occur to him at first, but look. alec “best big brother ever” lightwood grew up with a sister and you can’t tell me he wouldn’t be perfectly willing to brush aside any awkwardness he might feel to ask her what she needs, get supplies, help her through it, etc. he’s the guy perfectly fine with going to the store to buy tampons and pads and shit by himself with no shame. he’s pretty aware of the nasty parts, you know?

and when he finds out magnus is trans and all implications thereof, it doesn’t take long for him to figure out that magnus probably has periods. so he asks about it, in that blunt way of his, and asks when it is and if magnus needs anything--because he’s always happy to spoil magnus--or if he’s got it covered and would prefer to deal with it alone, or if it’s just straight-up not a problem.

and magnus kind of. freezes. because honestly not that many partners--or at least, long term romantic partners--actually wanted to deal with the other sides of being trans. gross shit like periods. because yes, periods are gross as hell

but he smiles and waves it away, right, he’s just like, oh, it’s fine, alexander. but alec is like. hm. because he knows what magnus does with shit like this. but he waits. and magnus, sure enough, gets his period and feels really shitty but he smiles through it, tries to act normal, tries to act even more accommodating than usual because he can’t be a burden, it’s fine, it’s just cramps, every AFAB person in the world deals with this every month and keeps going to work and school and shit, he can deal with it too without inconveniencing his boyfriend.

but alec catches on, perhaps he finds blood somewhere (fgfgh or alternate idea, he finds blood on magnus’s sheets or clothes, and freaks out like “oh no are you hurt” and magnus has to be like it’s just my period it’s fine alexander! and alec is like “...oh. well can i help?”) or he just notices magnus acting differently.

and eventually, probably gradually and slowly, alec gets magnus to come around? to let alec take care of him, to stop acting like he’s perfect and the pain is just nothing. and magnus is having a hard time just letting himself not be perfect, and the first time he snaps at alec because he’s feeling cranky and alec might be hovering just a little too much, he freaks out a little like, apologizing and being like im sorry im just cranky but that’s not an excuse i’m gonna go um shower and not be a burden bye :) and alec is like wait no

but like overall just??? alec taking care of magnus tbh and helping him? they communicate and magnus being like “i need space” or “i need comfort” and alec is always happy to get him food or supplies or whatever because he’s The Best Boyfriend. and an overall good dude.

also if we make it angsty as fuck. or even worse anyway. when magnus temporarily loses his magic it’s different because--he can’t just conjure up new clothes or supplies, he can’t make his potion or magic heat pad, he’s just got mundane shit and alec is always happy to help but he feels horrible, too, because he’s convinced it’s his fault magnus is in even more pain. but there’s this sort of sad happiness to it, too, because yes magnus is in a lot of fucking pain right now and he’s bleeding and he feels grosser and worse than usual and the dysphoria is eating him alive. it’s so much worse and suddenly he’s relying on alec even more and partly he loves it because it feels so good to have alec taking care of him and being supportive but mostly he kind of hates it just because he feels so helpless and vulnerable. and yes it’s nice to have alec taking care of him by bringing him medicine and heat pads, letting him wear his hoodie, etc.

or alternatively, just magnus isn’t supposed to use his magic for a while so alec helps him out and it’s all fluffy, or even just a mundane au. stILL

#trans magnus smut #sort of

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kpurereactions · 7 years

Text

Im Here | Pt 1

A/N: So tomorrow i will be going under the knife for a much needed, much delayed neck surgery, So this will probably be one of my last posts for a week or two. Im prewriting a few things so if you see my name thats why, ill be resting though. Admin Fallen and Ru-Ri will be taking over, but i promise ill be monitoring things and possibly hopping on to talk to you guys every once in a while.

I love you all so so so so so much, Kitty

Pairing: Jaebum x Reader

Rating: Drama, Angst, Smut, Fluff WARNINGS: Language, Eventual Violence, Lots of Smut Later on

Part | Prologue | 1 | 2 | 3 |

“You want to prove your loyalty to me. Hit her.”

Your eyes clenched and you bit your bottom lip. Out of all the things BamBam has done you couldn’t ever see him hitting you. You were half convince he wouldn’t until the sound of footsteps approaching you made you snap your head up. BamBam looked at you emotionless, one fist pressed hard into another. Your eyes began to dart and your bottom lip tremble. Your head shook and you started to squirm, his name coming from your lips in a soft and desperate way.

Once again he pressed his lips together before looking over to Pavliukov, who nodded. Your eyes darted back to BamBam who nodded once, clenched is jaw and then swung.

You sat up straight in bed, Your chest heaving and tears running down your cheeks. This always happened when you spent the night away from Jaebum, but with the amount of time you were spending way from your family you had to give them as much as a weekend every once in a while.

With your hands balled into fists you pressed them into your eye sockets, counting to yourself as you inhaled and exhaled, something Jaebum had you do when the terrors snuck up on you. A sticky groan left your voice when you finally caught your breath and you sniffled into the back of your hand. It always made you hate yourself with how weak you got.

You let your bare feet hit the wood of your childhood bedroom and your hands instantly went to your house coat you kept on the nob of the door. Well, Jaebum’s. Since your parents still didnt know about your relationship with him he couldn't come with you. So his thin, dark blue robe was the easiest way to bring him along. You sighed deeply again and wiped your face one last time before opening the door and heading down to the kitchen.

Coffee. You thought. That was all you needed right now, but as you made your way to the kitchen the sound of voices made you slow down. Even stop to think about whether you wanted to deal with your family for the next half hour you'd be there.

“Good morning honey!” You mom called as you walked slowly into the kitchen.

“Morning mom.” You sniffled, your voice still really sticky.

“Oh, darling. Were you crying? You look awful!” She said setting a full cup down in front of you.

“No, I think I'm getting sick and I wasn't able to sleep all night.” You lied.

“Should you go into work today?” Your dad now chimed in.

“Its fine, one of the guys is probably the reason I'm sick. Its their own fault. But I’ll take precautions.” You said smiling sadly at them before reaching into the draw that was in front of you to grab a handful of plastic gloves and masks.

The next thirty minutes seemed to drag on before Yugyeom and Jackson were showing up to your door with bright smiles.

“Another nightmare?” Yugyeom whispered into your ear as your mother hugged both boys and handed them the ‘extra’ sides she always seemed to have for them.

“Do I look that bad?” You asked pulling the mask down slightly so your words weren't too muffled.

You chuckled lightly as he smiled and held his fore finger and thumb up to indicate a little bit.

The car ride back to the house was quiet, not that there was rally anything to be said since the only exciting thing that happened was your nightmare of BamBam once again beating you up. You couldn't help but smile though. The longer you were in the car the closer you got to jaebum and you couldn't wait to wrap your arms around his waist and bury your nose into his chest.

Your smile widened as you rolled up to the house. It was Christmas time and you threw a small fit just to make Jaebum laugh the other day about there not being any decorations anywhere. Or at least there wasn't. The large house was now decorated with soft white lights around every window and a large christmas tree that had yet to be decorated sat in the front window.

“You guys were busy.” You teased, imagining how much they must have complained about being made to do this.

“You actually think Jaebum let us do this? No, he hired someone.” Jackson said making you chuckle.

Just like every time you returned home everyone seemed to be waiting for you. The moment you walked through the door you pulled the mask off and held your arms out to walk into Jaebums chest. He held you tightly, the feeling of his lips pressing repeatedly over the top of your head making you take a deep breath in and relax.

“Boys said you had another rough night.” Jaebum said, the other boys who had smiled and waved at you once you looked up shifted slightly as you nodded.

“The usual BamBam and his fists.” You tried to say nonchalantly so no one would think you woke up in tears, but the way they all shifted uncomfortably and looked at one another you could tell they knew better than to believe your attitude.

“Don't worry, it only happens when I’m away from you guys.” You said pinching Youngjaes cheek as you walked past him and into the kitchen, tossing your coat off to the side for one of them to catch. But no one laughed this time you did it.

You waited a minute for them to follow you into the kitchen but no one seemed to be coming. So you called out asking what they wanted. Still no answer. Wiping your freshly washed hands on your apron you walked back out to the foyer to see them all huddled around talking in hushed tones, Jaebum trying to yell at them as quietly as possible.

“Um, guys?” You said raising an eyebrow, laughing slightly as they all jumped and turned your way. “What did you guys want for brunch?

It didnt take you long to make the same Omelette you made every morning you came back from your families house. The conversation in the kitchen was light, thankfully nothing to big seemed to have happened over the weekend. Usually the boys bombarded you with conversations about who did what and who said this. It was strange, but not that strange. You were just happy to be home.

With breakfast done for everyone you realized you had still yet to go to the bathroom that morning, so with a quick peck to Jaebums cheek you excused yourself and ran into the nearest toilet.

Your mind was blank, all the troubles of the morning had seemed to wash away as you patted your face dry, you did look a little rough from this morning, but it was all okay. There was no one there to-

Pressed up against the wall right outside the bathroom door was a crumpled piece of red cloth. You rubbed your hands together once and looked down the hallway before bending down, your heartbeat increasing quickly as you got closer to it. You reached out a slightly shaking hand to take ahold of it, why you were shaking you didnt know.

But then you flipped it over and smoothed it out.

In airy script a black B.B was sewn into the soft blood red material. You breath quickened as you looked at it, who could this belong to? Definitely not...

Even the thought of the possibility made it feel like 1000 pounds had just been dropped on your chest. There was no way this belonged to him, but how could it not? Anger then started to rise in you. How could they keep something like this in the house? After everything he did to betray them, how could they keep something like just lying around for you to see.

Tears started to run down your face as you tried to pull it apart, the smell of his cologne fresh on the material making your heat beat faster as panic began to set in. You were on your knees now, one hand propping yourself up as everything began to go week, The sound of your breaking bones echoing in the back of your mind as the disgusted looking face of BamBam you got through glimps as his punched you to black out flooded the backs of your eye lids.

Your breathing became staggered and loud as the oxygen left your body due to the panic that had set in. You were able to rock yourself back till your body pressed against the wall. Your arms wrapped around your now bent knees and your head tucked between them as you tried to talk yourself down, the pocket square still clenched in your fist.

It wasn't working. The more you breathed the harder it got to suck air into your throat. Your mind screamed and your body shook until you were able to get one loud gasp out of your body, finally allowing air to run to your brain.

You could hear your name being called from down the hall. It was feint due to the pressing feeling in your brain, but you could hear it and soon the feeling of someones arms wrapping tightly around you and a much louder ‘Jaebum!’ could be heard.

“Bam..” You hiccuped though the tears. His fingers traced over your swollen jaw before Pavliukov voice brought you two back.

“Why you protect? Huh! Who side you on?” He yelled and even though you couldn’t see him you knew that there was spit flying out of his mouth.

“Im not protecting anything other than you. If you were to continue you’d be dead.” He said with a stern look.

“You’re on our side? Prove it then.” He growled and soon BamBam was standing up to come eye to eye with Pavliukov.

You whimpered as Pavliukov threw instructions at his men and you were soon being yanked up and thrown into a chair, a painful yell running through you as your hair was bing used as a leaver to pull you up. You bore your teeth in almost a triumphant way as you watched BamBam press his lips together, obviously uncomfortable with the way you were being treated.

“You think you can tell me what to do? You think because you brought me this you can tell me what to do?” He said, his voice getting louder and louder with every word.

“And I’m the reason your plan will work so the least you can do is respect me when I say Enough.” BamBam said standing taller.

“Fine. If I can’t relieve myself, Ill just have to relieve myself.” He said before swinging around and landing a punch in your stomach causing you to lurch forward. Before you could groan another blow was sent into the sore corner of your jaw.

You cried out and coughed blood again and in hope that it would make them leave you alone you let your eyes flutter shut and your head roll forward.

“You want to prove your loyalty to me. Hit her.”

"I thought I told you she wasn't fucking ready!” You heard Jaebum quietly yell. Your eyes softly fluttered open to see his back to you and his nose practically against Marks as he yelled at both him and Jackson.

“We didnt say anything, Boss!” Jackson softly yelled back.

“She found this, you IDIOT!.” He yelled a bit louder making you close your eyes again, your heart starting to beat again a little too fast. “Which means you brought him here!”

Your eyes snapped open. He was here? He was alive? You tried to sit up but the pressure on your chest of being swaddled in the blankets surrounding you made it hard to move and your heart to explode again.

“Jaebum!” You softly whimpered trying to get loose.

You watched as his face drained, knowing you had heard him. In stead of letting it get to him he released you from the blankets and helped you sit up, taking your cheeks between his hands softly, instantly calming you down.

“Out.” He said softly to the two boys, his head cocking along with the motion.

“Come here.” He whispered once they left.

His shoes slipped off and he crawled into the bed with you, pulling you tightly to his chest. He didnt say anything as his hand firmly rubbed your arm, but you knew its because he didnt know what to say, not because he thought you needed the quiet. So you started.

“So he's alive.” You sniffed, noticing that you had started to cry again.

“Yes.”

“I thought you said he was gone.” You whispered with a shiver as a child ran down your spine. He obviously felt it since his arm wrapped tighter round you.

“So did I.”

“You said you killed him.” You said even smaller, not even trying to hide the fact that you were crying now.

“I thought the damage I did to him would kill him. And I figured that if it didn't when Jiyong figured out he squealed he'd definitely do it.” He confessed through a deep sigh. He really hated talking about murdering anyone with you.

You punched his chest slightly and wiped away a tear.

“What is the one thing you drill into everyone.” You said punching him slightly again.

“Always finish the job, leave nothing undone behind.” you quoted, punching him again, but this time he was quick to catch your wrist.

You watched as his hand softened slightly while moving up your hand till your fingers were all intertwined with his. He sighed as he thought of the right words to say. He knew you were right. He loved it when you were right.

“It was a moment of weakness. I should have had the mentality that he'd rather die then betray me and since he betrayed me, he should be okay to die. But i didn't. The moment I saw him I saw my best friend for 20 years. I saw the kid who was left on my home’s doorstep because his family wanted money more then him and I faltered.”

“Did you see him?” You asked quietly. You might as well hear this all now.

“No. He found Yugyeom one night while he was patrolling and talked to him. I didn't even know they brought him to the house till today. He was here to see if he could ask for forgiveness.”

“Are you going to forgive him?” You asked. He paused for a minute letting you think about what happens if he did. Could you forgive him?

“My love,” Jaebum said tilting your chin upwards. “You can't even see something that reminds you of him without having a panic attack. Why would I forgive him?”

“Like you said, he's been your closest friend for 20 years.” You said shifting yourself slightly so you could see him better. “ I just want you to know, if you want to forgive him, it'll take some time but I will forgive him too.” You whispered sniffling once.

You watched as his lips pressed together into a straight line before he let out a soft breath.

“Lets have this conversation later okay?” He said softly, watching as you nodded.

You snuggled into his chest once again before his finger lifted your chin up so he could place his lips gently against yours. He held you like that for a minute before letting you go so he could change out of the restricting suit he was wearing. But his arms quickly found you again as he snuggled you both deeper under the blankets.

“Im never going to let you go ever again, I hope you know that.” He said puling you in even closer to him while you giggle softly.

“I hope not”

#got7 #got7 mafia #got7 mafia au #Jaebum #Jaebum mafia #Jaebum Mafia au #Im Jaebum #Im Jaebum Mafia #Im Jaebum Mafia au

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toosicktoocare · 7 years

Text

For @omelettesareevil ! I’m sorry this took me like a thousand years, but I hope you like it!

Assumptions are Michael’s strong suit because he sees them as a way of dancing around an unclear truth that has yet to present itself. So, when a dull bout of pain develops in his stomach, stretching across his abdomen in small waves a few days before he’s due at Jeremy’s, he writes it off as nothing more than small cramps or possibly the beginning of a twenty-four hour stomach virus.

As the rest of the week passes, his symptoms never heighten more than the slight stomach pain now accompanied with a seemingly nonexistent appetite, which he will take so long as he’s not glued to a toilet with the stomach flu.

It’s a little uncomfortable and inconvenient, but Michael will manage through just about anything if it means getting to spend time with Jeremy. So, when the time finally comes for him to head over, he forgoes short sleeves in favor of long sleeves to combat the slight chill leaving him cold and grabs his car keys while shooting off a quick “on my way” text to the brunet.

*****

“Are you okay?”

Michael tilts his head slightly in question before stepping around Jeremy to enter the room, dropping his keys atop a small table pushed against the wall before plopping down into a bean bag chair.

“Yep.” He answers, popping the ‘p’ as he leans forward to snatch up the game controller. The small movement irritates his stomach, and he winces slightly as he leans back with the controller in hand.

Jeremy catches the way Michael’s face briefly scrunches up as if in pain, and he drops his side against the door frame and crosses his arms with a frown. “Are you sure?”

Sighing, Michael shifts a lazy gaze toward Jeremy. “I’m fine,” he says, drawing out the vowel sound. “My stomach’s just been a little off this week, but it’s nothing.”

Jeremy seems hesitant, but he nods and crosses the room to take his spot in the empty bean bag chair.

“So we clear this dungeon, and that leaves us with only two more floor levels until the boss, right?” Michael asks as Jeremy starts up the console.

“Right,” Jeremy says, eyes glued to the screen as he and Michael’s previous conversation shoots to the far back of his mind.

*****

When the two-hour mark hits, the pain in Michael’s stomach shifts toward his lower abdomen, resulting in inconsistent waves of nausea that have him sweating and trembling. His vision is wavering in and out of focus, and it must impact his playing ability because Jeremy is suddenly pausing the game and shifting around to face him.

“Michael?”

There’s obvious concern coloring Jeremy’s tone, and Michael wants to verbally reassure the brunet that everything’s fine. But, he can’t make that assumption because it’s blaringly obvious that everything is in fact not okay. He turns toward Jeremy with the full intent on telling him that something is wrong, but burning bile suddenly pools at the bottom of his throat. He clamps a hand over his mouth and shoots to his feet, ignoring his swaying surroundings as he struggles toward the closest bathroom with Jeremy hot on his heels.

“Michael! What’s wrong?”

Michael ignores Jeremy’s frantic voice as he pushes into the bathroom and drops to his knees in front of the toilet, heaving almost instantly. He can sense Jeremy hovering behind him, undoubtedly watching in worry without a clue on what to do.

It’s okay, Michael thinks as another wave of nausea swells and erupts within his stomach. Maybe he will feel better after throwing up.

Now, all he has to do is stop throwing up.

It takes another seven minutes until he’s left with occasional dry heaves, stomach already having purged what little contents lingered. It’s safe, he thinks, to move away from the toilet, so he does. He slowly eases himself around until his back is resting against the bathtub beside the toilet, but the slight movement reminds him of the sharp pain stabbing at his lower right stomach, and he lets out a sharp hiss while curling his arm around his stomach and pressing his palm against the rough spot of the pain.

“Are you okay now?” Jeremy asks, voice shaking slightly as he drops into a crouch in front of Michael.

No, Michael thinks. He’s both too hot and too cold, resulting in strong shivers coursing through his body despite the sweat sticking to his skin. His head is pounding, but that is nothing compared to the piercing pain in his stomach. He shakes his head, teeth clenched tightly as he presses his arm tighter into his stomach.

“Something’s wrong,” he spits out, chest heaving up and down in a poor attempt to keep his breathing measured.

“You really don’t look well,” Jeremy says, unsure of what else to say as he takes in Michael’s ghostly pale complexion with the only color coming from the deep red flush spread high on his cheeks. He reaches a shaking palm to Michael’s cheek, present fear heightening to an all time high at the alarming heat.

“You’re burning up!” He shouts, hopping to his feet and starting the short pace across the small length of the bathroom. “A really bad stomach flu?” He asks, eyeing Michael, but when Michael shakes his head in reply, Jeremy’s blood runs cold.

“Michael, what-”

Michael can’t deny the location of the pain any longer. He’s spent enough time on WebMD throughout the years. “Appendix,” he mutters, watching all color drain from Jeremy’s face.

“Appendix? You really think…” Jeremy looks over Michael, focusing on Michael’s shaking hand pressed hard to his lower right stomach. “Yeah, okay. So hospital. We need to get you to the hospital.” He goes to help Michael to his feet, but when the latter lets out a sharp cry of pain, Jeremy eases him back to the floor with as much care as his shaking arms can manage.

“Okay, new plan. I’ll call for an ambulance.”

“Sounds good,” Michael groans out as he curls onto his side.

*****

“At least I’ll have a sick scar,” Michael tells Jeremy from his spot on the hospital bed.

When the ambulance arrived, the paramedics took one look and Michael then stepped into high gear, and the second they arrived at the hospital, Michael was wheeled off to surgery while Jeremy was left to make the necessary family phone calls. The surgery went smoothly, and after Michael’s parents left to go get some things from home, Jeremy took a spot in the chair pulled up by Michael’s bed and waited, thankful that none of the nurses asked him to leave due to the end of visiting hours.

“You would be happy about that,” Jeremy says, failing to hide the exhaustion gripping at every edge of his body.

“Don’t you think it will make me look rugged and manly?” Michael asks with a teasing laugh as he weakly flexes one arm.

“Oh, Michael, where did you get that scar?” Jeremy starts, pausing to clear his throat before continuing in a poor attempt to mimic Michael’s voice. “Well, halfway through playing video games with my fantastic boyfriend, I found out I had appendicitis.” Jeremy breathes out a low laugh. “Real tough there, Michael.” He adds, voice back to his usual tone.

Michael laughs loud, only to stop half way in a wince. “Shut up,” he tells Jeremy lightly, and Jeremy smiles in reply before dropping his head onto the mattress beside Michael’s hand.

#be more chill #bmc #sickfic #prompt #my writing #my bmc writing #boyf riends #meremy hell #michael mell #jeremy heere #I'M SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG OMG #I'M TRASH

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news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog · 5 years

Text

It turns out purposely messing with your targeted ads isn't a good idea

Facebook is convinced that I am a young mother with a love of kraken-themed decor.

Unless you count my cat, who is 11-years-old and the animal equivalent of the grumpy old man from Up, I absolutely do not have a child. But for the last six months, my feed has been inundated with ads for baby products, from nasal suction devices to teething toys that look like plush versions of a bad acid trip.

Over the summer, my cat underwent a veterinary procedure that, to spare the nasty details for the faint of heart, required me to dab antibiotic ointment on his butt twice a day. Because he had a knack for getting out of his cone of shame and getting ointment everywhere, I put him in diapers for the day after the surgery. But diapers made specifically for pets are absurdly expensive, so I bought a pack of (human) infant diapers online and went on my cat owner way. I started seeing ads for baby products that night.

I know big tech companies have too much on me already. I've been on social media since I was 10-years-old, entering my email and date of birth on Neopets and Club Penguin, so my data has likely been tracked for more than half of my life. I'm online for a majority of my day, and I've accepted the fact that my digital footprint runs too deep for me to ever truly go off the grid.

Which is exactly why I've started fucking with my ads.

It's not just weird baby products. I've been curating my ads to show me extremely specific cephalopod-shaped home decor. After months of carefully engaging with ads, I've finally cultivated what I want to see on my Facebook feed.

Image: screenshot/morgan sung

SEE ALSO: All the social media opt-outs you need to activate right now

I'm not the only one. Caroline, a Twitter user who tweets under the handle @defundpoppunk, also curates their ads. After clicking on specific Facebook ads, they managed to prune their feed like an artisanal algorithm — a concept first floated by Twitter user @JanelleCShane — into a masterpiece: Unreasonably baggy pants.

It's like a cursed personal data-laden bonsai tree.

I click every ad I see on Facebook for weird pants in an effort to train Facebook to show me the weirdest pants. I think it's finally starting to pay off: pic.twitter.com/nS1oMl1Mv7

— olivia colman's oscar (@defundpoppunk) March 12, 2019

Caroline says they searched for jogger-style pants before, and has been getting ads for them ever since. For weeks, they've been clicking on any ad featuring "vaguely interesting-looking" pants.

Like me, Caroline is fed up with the unending lack of privacy we have, and started engaging with their ads just to mess with them.

"So at first it was a little bit of private trolling just because I know e-comm [e-commerce] people take their click through rates really seriously," they told Mashable through Twitter DM. "But then once I started my targeted ads actually changing, I got a little more deliberate about it out of curiosity."

Aside from being an "amusing reminder that everyone is being tracked online constantly," as Caroline said, playing with targeted ads is like playing a game.

There's something deeply satisfying about knowing that even though I as an individual can't really stop power hungry tech giants, I'm giving them a digital middle finger by engaging with the "wrong" ads. It's the online version of the Florida man who runs into hurricanes with heavy metal and American flags. Realistically, messing with my ads won't shroud me from the inevitable tracking that comes from being online, but it feels like I'm making it slightly more inconvenient for large corporations to know everything about the real me.

Shoshana Wodinsky, a tech reporter at Adweek, gets why deliberately polluting your targeted ads is entertaining.

"These kinds of big tech platforms are really powerful," she said during a Skype call. "They're like multibillion dollar companies and the fact that they screw up sometimes is kind of funny. Part of it's definitely punching up, but part of it's like, even these behemoths are somewhat fucked up."

Wodinsky has also experimented with purposely muddling her digital presence; she once changed her Bitmoji to be pregnant to see if it would affect her targeted ads. (She told Mashable that she is very much not pregnant, and during her interview, she said that the only children she has are her two cats.) Although she said it started "as a joke," she wondered how far she could take it.

"Realistically, I know that me pretending to be pregnant isn't going to do anything, but it's kind of like looking outside of the fishbowl," she said. "It's fucking over the big businesses, and who doesn't like to do that."

i gave myself a pregnant bitmoji to see if it would screw with the way ads are targeted toward me and..... im here to tell you that nothings changed pic.twitter.com/SmfWkpRGys

— שוש (@swodinsky) February 13, 2019

fb thinks im preggers,,,,,, success

— שוש (@swodinsky) February 13, 2019

Less than half an hour after creating the Bitmoji, her ad interests included "motherhood" and "breastfeeding."

It's unclear what prompted Facebook to include those options in her interests — it could have been her Bitmoji, or it could have been the fact that she tweeted about it.

Realistically, just clicking on and engaging with specific ads won't do much to your digital footprint; if you really wanted to go deep, you'd have to change your entire online behavior. Your ads aren't just targeted based on what you interact with on specific social media platforms, but what you search and interact with across the entire internet. Thanks to the cookies Facebook uses to track users, regardless of whether or not you're logged in, you can leave fingerprints all over the web. Truly tricking the algorithm would mean a complete overhaul of your search habits, your social media, and whatever personal information is publicly available.

Meddling with your ad preferences by intentionally engaging with them sounds like a harmless prank, but it might have a dark side. Dr. Russell Newman, a professor at Emerson College who specializes in internet privacy, surveillance, and political communication, worries that any engagement with ads can have long term consequences.

"You might feel like you're exercising some bit of control, but in fact, you have none," he said during a phone interview. "There are unknown ways that the game you are playing right now will affect your future existence, and you won't really be able to know."

Newman stresses that we really have no idea what information can be pulled from our online interactions, and how it can be used in the future. Because internet users are "seen in a particular way, quantified in a particular way, and identified in a particular way," he says, engaging with certain ads and showing a preference for certain ads can preclude certain options. He worries that engagement like this can affect life-altering factors like credit score. It sounds far fetched, but Newman said convincing advertisers that my cat is actually my baby, for example, could possibly affect my future health insurance premiums without me even knowing.

"All the decisions that are going to be made about you going forward," Newman said. "Or the rest of your existence, are going to be based on the truth provided digitally."

Washington Post editor Gillian Brockell experienced the insidious side of online advertising last year. Shortly after she delivered her son, who was stillborn, the credit company Experian sent her an email prompting her to "finish registering" her child to track his credit for life. She noted in a viral Twitter thread that she had never even started registering her baby, and it was particularly cruel that companies wanted his information after his death.

I find this hard to believe. I'd been using Experian to check my credit regularly, & I'd never received any spam like this from them before, just a monthly email saying my report was updated. + the ad didn't say “family protection solution.” it said “register your child.” 3/ pic.twitter.com/dUPRxyWRKH

— Gillian Brockell (@gbrockell) March 12, 2019

"These tech companies triggered that on their own, based on information we shared, Brockell wrote in a piece reflecting on how she never asked to be targeted with parenting ads. "So what I’m asking is that there be similar triggers to turn this stuff off on its own, based on information we’ve shared."

Newman emphasizes that while Google, Facebook, and Amazon market themselves as a search engine, social media network, and online marketplace, respectively, the companies have a greater goal: advertising.

"It's notable that you're saying, 'My privacy is gone, so I'm just going to roll with it,'" Newman said during a phone interview. "The problem isn't that your privacy is gone, the problem is that we don't actually have a nationwide regime set in place in regards to privacy."

Luckily, there are a number of ways to scale back on ad tracking, from opting out of social media data collection to using private browsers.

Here's the bottom line: It turns out messing with my targeted ads probably wasn't a good idea. As satisfying as it is to make it slightly more inconvenient for advertisers, purposely engaging with ads for kraken-specific products is less damaging than limiting the data that advertisers can hold over me. Since my conversation with Newman, I've stopped haphazardly clicking on strange ads and opted out of sharing across my social media presence.

But old habits are hard to break, and I admit that when I'm scrolling through Facebook before bed, I'll still linger on ads that include octopi.

WATCH: BTS' 'Boy With Luv' shatters viewing records on YouTube

#_author:Morgan Sung #_uuid:649b666d-c788-3e44-a782-9379dd2624d2 #_category:yct:001000002 #_lmsid:a0Vd000000DTrEpEAL #_revsp:news.mashable

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starbitstudies-blog · 7 years

Text

92 questions

tagged by @stevenstudies thank you!!!

rules: answer these 92 questions and then tag 20 people!

last:

1. drink: water

2. phone call: uhh i don’t remember i don’t really call ppl aaa

3. text message: something about hating when people think a bad character = a bad person because that’s not the case!!! or that one bad action done by a character makes them horrible!!

4. song you listened to: well i’m currently listening to lollia’s cover of “cymatics” by techniken!

5. time you cried: i think two or three days ago!!

have you:

6. dated someone twice: nope!

7. kissed someone and regretted it: never kissed anyone so nope!

8. been cheated on: fortunately, with me having not dated anyone, that’s not possible. hopefully this answers stays ‘no’

9. lost someone special: our family dog died a while back... i mean also my father left a long time ago but tHAT’S HEAVY SO UHH

10. been depressed: yeah, since it’s likely i have depression

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: nah

list three favorite colors:

12. PERIWINKLE!

13. pastel pink

14. cyan!!!

in the last year have you

15. made new friends: yeah!! a few tbh

16. fallen out of love: idk i don’t think i’ve been in love hahhaha,

17. laughed until you cried: TWO NIGHTS AGO

18. found out someone was talking about you: ye

19. met someone who changed you: people here (positively) and people at school... also people on other sites (both pos and neg)

20. found out who your friends are: yes i think?

21. kissed someone on your facebook list: whats facebook? (jk but no)

general:

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: i deleted my facebook sorry pals

23. do you know any pets: we have so many u dont even know

24. do you want to change your name: PLEASE can i change it to zia?

25. what did you do for your last birthday: i played video games, helped babysit my nephew for a few hrs, then ate chinese

26. what time did you wake up: technically like 7 but i got out of bed at 8

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: i think on tumblr

28. name something you cant wait for: MY OWN LAPTOP TBH

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: right now

30. what is one thing you wish you could change in your life: PRACTICE ART MORE AS A KID!!! UR NOT GONNA WANNA BE A WRITER WHEN UR OLD ZIA NO FOCUS ON ART

31. what are you listening to right now: all we know (chainsmokers) this is after the last music post bc time has passed rip

32. have you ever talked to a person named Tom: my ex-best friend’s dad! (we’re still friends but not close anymore, because we don’t live close to each other anymore)

33. something that is getting on your nerves: myself

34. most visited websites: tumblr, twitter or insta probably. maybe even yesstyle because GOSH i love clothes more than i ever knew

more random info:

35. mole/s: face moles that’s all i know of

36. mark/s: idk dood

37. childhood dream: i once dream i was at like a disco thing and then there was water and i was DROWNING my dreams were and are weird.

38. hair color: black! (but i wanna go for blue-black or black w blue on the bottom and tips really soon!!)

39. long or short hair: LOOKS SHORT (bc super tight curls) but it’s really medium length

40. do you have a crush on someone: i mean kinda but its like a ‘admiration’ crush bc i don’t know them at all so i’m disregarding it.

41. what do you like about yourself: sometimes my eyes look ok uh

42. piercings: just ears!

43. blood type: idk dood

44. nickname: bob the builder can he fix it yes!!! he!!! can!!!

45. relationship status: single and too focused on college apps to want to mingle.

46. zodiac: aquarius

47. pronouns: ANYYY but most refer to me by she/her by default so!!

48. favorite tv show: rwby!! but i love a good spongebob for giggles

49. tattoos: ehhh .... not unless its hidden good im too worried about jobs

50. right or left hand: right (trying to learn to write w my left hand as well)

51. surgery: never have, maybe someday i will, who knows

52. dyed hair: a few times, purple streaks, purple on the bottom and tips, a few times black.

53. sport: i used to play volleyball but uhh bye

54. subtitles or dubbed version: when it comes to anime either way!! i’ve never rlly watched anything else w subs i dont think

55. vacation: nothing nada

56. toenail color: plain plain plain

more general:

57. eating: i had some harvest snaps and non dairy ice cream thank u ben and jerrys

58. drinking: water

59. im about to: think about my life

60. ive been putting off: my entire life

61. waiting for: SCHOOL i miss the routine and i hate this anticipation stop it summer stop i

62. want: more stationery and CLOTHES FROM YESSTYLE OR H&M OR SHEIN

63. get married: maaaybe???

64. career: VIDEO GAME ARTIST PLEASE or animator

65. hugs or kisses: hugs?

66. lips or eyes: eyes

67. shorter or taller: uhhh

68. older or younger: UHHHH

69. can you wiggle your ears without touching them: no im a weenie loser

70. nice arms or nice stomach: ARMS ARMS ARMS A

71. sensitive or loud: depending on the situation..

72. hookup or relationship: relationship!

73. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

74. kissed a stranger: nah

75. drank hard liquor: whats a hard liquoryall

76. lost glasses: yes im HORRIBLE ive also broke them mmm boi some spicy troublemakin

77. turned someone down: ONCE AND IM STILL SHOOK I FEEL SO BAD PLEASE DONT EVER DO THIS TO ME AGAIN @ GOD !!!

78. sex on the first date: oh no sirree

79. broken someones heart: i mean KINDA?? idk

80. had your heart broken: proBABLY IDK

81. been arrested: nope

82. cried when someone died: yes

83. fallen for a friend: HJFKSHFKJDHSKFHDSKJF

do you believe in:

84. yourself: NOT ENOUGH

85. miracles: YE

86. love at first sight: NOT RLLY LOVE but like a crush yes???

87. santa claus: I DONT THINK I EVER HAVE

88. kiss on the first date: mmmmaybe if u know them

89. faeries: MMAYB

other:

90. current best friend name: KHALO AND BRANDON AND VAAN!!!

91. eye color: dark brown but they look like the void yo

92. favorite movie: MOANA ATM!!!!!

ANYBODY I TAG U ALL AND DON’T FORGET TO TAG ME I WANNA KNOW U GUYS!!!

#zia.doc #tagged

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brokenhayatim · 4 years

Text

two mins forty-three seconds

it’s been so long since i’ve written. i don’t think any of this will make sense.. also my hands are shaking so it’s taking me longer to type.

you ever know something is wrong with you? and like it’s so familiar and you just think ‘it’s happening again’. i’ve felt like that for long but i’ve been managing it pretty well. in the last month or so though, i felt it shift into deeper waters and it’s not like anything in my life has drastically changed like moving back here was. but i just notice my reluctance to start the day, my difficulty to concentrate during it, the nighttime routine of ‘i failed today yes i’m a disappointment’. it’s odd...i feel like i have no control. someone else has taken the clock and is dragging the minute hand to just speed up every second and i can’t think. my thoughts race every second even if im sitting down and next thing i know it’s three hours later and i hate it. i started up running to help my surgery recovery process and even that doesn’t feel like control. this looming surgery date is good and bad. it’s giving me a lot of free time..that i don’t need. i constantly feel like i should be doing something even though i don’t really have a task to take my mind off anything anymore like job searching. it’s almost made me feel useless like i’m a sitting duck. and then i have so much anxiety about my capability to re-enter the job market being out this long, especially after the surgery recovery. i don’t feel like i’m even average anymore like im the bottom of the barrel in terms of skills so i keep trying to stay with them, doing small projects, but it’s not enough.

anyways. i’ve thought about seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist when i first came here, as my prev ones recommended, but with the pandemic i pushed it off and it’s so intimidating trying to find one, now that i’m not given about 6 options like at uni, i’m just supposed to find one now and try 20 questions to see if they’re actually right?? the thought of going through the awkwardness and distance of zoom appointments too, i felt uncomfortable with it even when i knew and liked my doctors. so, i felt like if i told myself i could do it on my own, i could do it on my own. but everyday i have this nagging feeling that i’m just putting pretty icing on a moldy cake, so i deny and avoid that with social media distractions, of course. i have this overall sense of just feeling like shit and the only thing keeping me afloat in the days are people not even around me, people in my phone, especially moments with noor. often, i think of just shutting off my wifi or my phone and ghosting, but it isn’t even fair to them to do that and it never was - without at least forewarning. because tables turned, i worry like hell on top of missing you. so i woke up today feeling at the cusp of a break and was going to send noor a text about it and to just let her know. and although a big part of me wants to just disappear, the other part so attached to people now doesn’t and knows it wouldn’t do me any good but let me wallow in misery (she’s got the self-realization now yall) and what would that help? especially now being at home where i can’t stay in my room for a week and come out like a crab just to eat (just kidding, i do that anyways). i think the gravity of how much i’ve been avoiding and denying that i need to do something was brought to light last when i mentioned to my sister, after i kneeled down for something in pain, that i can’t actually sit on my legs like i can sit 90 degrees only but anything lower and my thighs experience so much pain it’s like my body is screaming not to go lower. i haven’t done the tashahhud position in salah properly for months and i don’t want to sit in a chair because i feel like that’s cheating like i can move just not that position. my neurologist gave meds - which i took for a while but kept forgetting to establish a routine & my dad said i didn’t need them so i questioned it more - and a physical therapy prescription and i’ve done nothing with it. partly due to covid but i also just feel like a burden, that something is actually wrong again. i dont know...as if my brain should be the only thing everyone needs to worry about now. but my parents were talking about how i might need physical therapy after surgery and how they might bring someone in and something about it just makes my skin cold. i don’t think it’s necessarily fully my disdain of depending on someone for my needs but i just have this vision of struggling and having everyone know it. like i won’t be able to do it in private anymore, it’ll all be out for someone to watch and they’ll want to do something to help and they can’t. that goes with any of my surgery recovery - especially the pain and discomfort. okay, i’m getting away from my point now...

i went to sleep quite early last night because of my mood and probably because i slept at 6 am the night before. but i woke up today and was like i feel like shit and this is definitely depression that i’ve had. so i took my phone and searched “psychology before after surgery” (got the point across ok) and god, the results. i don’t know what i was expecting.

“Why Aren’t We Talking About Postoperative Depression?

Depression can occur after even a minor surgery. But doctors have noticed that people who have the following procedures often have depression afterwards: Heart surgery, especially coronary artery bypass graft Plastic surgery Gastric bypass surgery Brain surgery...

The most significant risk factor for postoperative depression is pre surgical depression or anxiety. In fact, anyone with a history of mental illness is at greater risk for postoperative depression.

Possible Causes of Postsurgical Depression: Postsurgical pain Surgical results don't match expectations Problems with anesthesia (i’m using steroids but) A biological process Increased dependence on other people

Disappointment in one’s own body and health can also factor into postoperative depression. People like to see themselves as strong and healthy.”

you get it. immediately, i felt two things: frustration at not even guessing this would be a thing and fear. fear, because i have had thoughts of most of these causes being an issue for me before i even read this. fear, that all the trying i’m doing now to be okay won’t be enough and i genuinely will see my worst days. fear, that i won’t make it. fear, that i’m not strong enough to overcome this if i’m struggling with it badly right now. fear, that i’m not strong enough to recover like i want to. fear, that i made a mistake in choosing to do the surgery being careless enough to not consider this. so much fear my body crumbled under the weight.

of course, it’s treatable. so where does this leave me right now? congratulations! now you’re caught up on why i opened this document and decided to type. based upon reading about my avoidance to fix my issues with the right methods, i think we can guess the solution here. oh look! it’s writing itself into the cloudy sky.

xoxo big brain girl (just not mentally)

done crying now so time to start my day yayy!

#asiya's thoughts #yikes #do i read this for typos

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wdfa · 8 years

Text

coming back from winter break like HELLO NAUGHTY CHILDREN ITS RELAPSE TIME

warning for... um. lots of stuff. a loooot of self hate/negative self talk. internalized transphobia/cissexism. discussions of sexual experiences (not in detail). menstruation mention. depression and symptoms.

im struggling so hard rn ugh so many Symptoms.. especially with feelings of worthlessness!!!!!!! like i just feel like im annoying ppl with just my existence!!!! UGH like i know it’s irrational bc so many ppl love and care about me and they have voiced these facts as well as affirmed them through actions! and they continue to do so! it kinda has a lot to do with my dysphoria? im not sure how to like. explain it??? because there is Context.

last saturday my frat had a brothers-only party and it was fun and cute and i had Such a Good Time because i love my brothers! some alumni came too like i got to see my grandbig again and my 2 adopted grandbigs LMAO... one is dating my gbig so she’s step-gbig i guess not adopted? but the other one is in my family line, and he has 2 “real” grandlittles but he adopted me and one of my fifth (?) cousins. ANYWAYS it was really tender because that literally happened that night, he said “as far as im concerned, i have 4 grandlittles... plates, kali, billy, and u” and im not kidding i almost cried it touched my salty ass heart. and that was pretty much the theme of the night, just me loving on everyone and everyone loving on me!

i was kind of worried about that tbh because i was wearing one of those douchey ridiculously large arm-hole tshirts and my scars were pretty visible,,,, but like everyone was really cool about them like i got some compliments actually haha mostly they were just like “aw im so happy for u/proud of u” but one of my older bros (who happens to also be a bass!!) said smth like “yo those are really cool thats so hardcore!” which pleasantly surprised me because he’s a very aloof and sarcastic kind of person, so getting something genuine was really neat. and so much good happened that night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was great!!!!!!!!!! but also like. ugh. i guess more context needed.

in my pledge class of 7 only 2 of us were virgins and im one of them. like ive literally never had any Sexual experience, and it was always because i was never comfortable enough with my own body due to dysphoria. even when u get past that my high school was fucking tiny so who was going to love my fat trans ass 8^) and my pbro’s situation was a little different, but he’s gay and his high school was similar so he never had the option to explore anything either. and we were like. together on that u know? i had kind of accepted that it wasnt realistic for me to want things like that, and while that realization hurt, i knew that i had someone in the same boat. but then he goes and loses his virginity!!!!! and this is where i get MESSY LMAO IM NOT READY FOR THIS BUT HERE GOES

first of all i want to say that i am 100% happy for him because he’s my friend i will support him until the end of time and he told us it was important for him finally being able to celebrate himself and grow up and operate with sexual/personal autonomy and live his own DAMN LIFE and im so so SO proud of him for that!! and i HATE myself so FUCKING MUCH for being selfish and feeling this way and taking something so important to someone i love and making it about myself, but. now its like im left behind. i hate this feeling so fucking much i hate being left behind/forgotten about/ignored/excluded from anything and everything. and now this is something that everyone has gone through but me. and it fucking sucks even more because i know the main reason that i havent done this is because im trans!!!! like i didnt ask to be this way!!!!!!!! trust me! its so fucking difficult!!!!!!!! i hate being different sometimes, i literally just want to be like everyone else, i want to be fucking normal for once. like i know that ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist but im tired of having to struggle through things that other people dont. and ive really just been dwelling on this and extrapolating like “welp no one will ever wanna hook up with me or date me or love me and im gonna die alone like the piece of shit i am” and it’s just opened up soooooo many Bad Feels that i either havent thought about before or did a really good job at repressing! literally just shitty Dysphoria garbage!!!

and now its like. “ok well u dont want to be a virgin anymore then go out and have sex” WELP it doesnt really work that way!!! i’m very masculine in appearance (or at least i try to be) and the people who are attracted to me expect me to be a Cis Male, because unfortunately we assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise. bottom line is theyre gonna expect me to have a dick! but i dont! what happens when im into someone and theyre not aware of this fact? what if we Get Going and start Doing the Do but theyre like EW GROSS DIE??????? i just keep thinking about this!!!!!!!!! its in my head and i cant get it out!!!!!!!!!! like i Did Not go to bed on sunday night because i just keep dwelling!!!! i went to therapy on tuesday and told all this to my psychologist and usually that gets it out of my system but no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s usually really helpful because she approaches things logically rather than emotionally but that didnt work in this case i guess!!

i told my pbros about some of these feelings and they said the shit your friends are supposed to say to make u feel better and it was reassuring that they loved me at the time but like. i guess it didnt stick lol because im still convinced that im unlovable even though mccoy sat on my lap half the night and david let me casually touch him (he does not like physicality so that was kind of a Bigger deal) and ben laid on top of us and we were all so tender but i literally cant translate that into permanence i guess!!!!! but also bad things happened at meeting that kind of validated my fears bc me n a few bros were talking, i think it was me and a gay guy and a girl who thought she was straight but shes questioning if shes bi and i cant remember who else because i was Turnt but these two were like the main source of conversation. the guy was like “im definitely gay like i know i dont like girls because vaginas are just gross” and the girl was like “yeah i dont know, im attracted to hot girls but idk if i could ever fuck w/ a girl because ew vagina” LIKE im.... ... standing............ right .... here...................... and i said something! like “thats transphobic not everyone w a vagina is a girl” and i cant remember exactly but they totally like. brushed me off. i initially have all of these doubts, then my bros are like “yooo that’s irrational, everyone loves u” which makes me feel better and kind of makes the doubts get less awful BUT THEN this happens and we’re back to square one SO.

it doesnt help that i fucking started my period on monday. i havent had it in over a year. but i had to skip a dose of T before my surgery and my ADHD ass forgets everything so i ended up skipping like 3 so apparently this is what happens when you stop taking it :) im really hoping that this is the reason im so emo about everything right now UGH.

all of these feelings are just taking such a toll on me its like im weighed down,,, i was supposed to do some studying today and take some notes but instead i stayed in bed and played games on my phone lol!!!!!! i didnt even do anything fun!!!!!!!!!! and now im alone on a friday night doing NOTHING just like i did fucking NOTHING all day today!!

what sucks about this is that im alone because i feel sad.... but being alone makes me feel even MORE sad........... like im happy when im with my friends, im happy when im with my brothers, im happy when im at the house! but for some reason i cant just text a bro at random whenever im feeling down. like if i did, i know that no matter who it was theyd give me the support i need/the support id get at the house with everyone there. but i cant make that move, i cant take that risk, because i must Avoid.... like i know talking to ppl and being around them makes me happier, and i know if i did gather the ‘courage’ or w/e to do that then the odds of getting a positive response would be 99% but i just. Cannot initiate. because that 1% chance of rejection is just too much. im terrified of it. even if i did take that chance i dont even know what i’d say??? “hey lol im kinda craving death because im a worthless abomination haha wyd” ????? im still not comfortable w talking about being trans. like i am a bit but only with certain people. definitely not with the brotherhood. maybe my big? but she just got a new girlfriend so i dont want to bother her. honestly i dont want to bother anybody!!!!!!!!!! which is Wrong because i tell ppl all the time that their emotions are valid and theyre not bothering people who care but HERE WE FUCKING ARE KIDS!

ok i think im done now i just. really had to get that out. replies and likes and asks are welcome but the other thing is not allowed. the thing with two arrows that kind of go in a circle. none of that.

#trumpet hate #personal #wow this was..... so much..........#literally no one is gonna read this but it was mostly for me anyways so [shrug emoji]#caps /#negative /#self hate /#transphobia /#cissexism /#menstruation mention //#the experience #ask to tag

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