#but im really grateful for so much 2023 gave me i am so so so lucky

[feline-evil]

Its da freaking new year baby

I mean it turned new year like 13 hours and thirty minutes ago for me i was just busy and didn't post here at the time. Anyways.

2023 has been A Lot for me! On one hand my wrist issues finally fully caught up to me and it's one of the first years i've not been able to draw as much during which has been. Very hard. It's been a year of health issues and my body kinda failing me in a lotta regards so it's not been great on that front. But it's also the first year i got to meet my boyfriend in person, twice!!! And realise how much more beautiful and kind and loving life can be, and how much i wanna survive onwards and upwards and do wicked gay shit with that man in future years, it's the year that being so loved has given me the courage to make BIG FUCKING RISKS and plan for BIG FUCKING CHALLENGES in upcoming years, and thats awesome. I couldn't be the man i have been this year without him, i really couldn't. I'm so grateful to finally have a partner and friends and love and gentleness, it is something that was so sorely missing in my life and it is something that's keeping me going even in the darker months.

It's also the year i took risks in other stuff too, which i never could've done without my bf's support, and now i've been able to work on so many things for The Hotel Podcast and thats fucking AWESOME?? I GET TO MAKE STUFF FOR THE SHOW I LOVE?? I did the artbook and we got to do the second calendar which ruuuuled, i made a postcard, i've done some other stuff ;), i made a 3d background and learnt some video editing for it; i've accomplished so much even against my body and wrist failing and i feel so so proud of that, and no matter how things go i wanna keep trying to do more. I feel like i'm finally showing what i can do. I hope people can see how much effort and will goes into what i do, i hope it pays off and that you enjoy it!

I wish i could say i left this year on a high note due to all that good that's happened to me and i mostly am absolutely. But in all honesty i also went to sleep last night filled with a palpable dread, this past week i realised someone close to me has, without getting into it to a degree i'm not willing to share online, gone down a pipeline to become a person i'm not comfortable with while i've been busy elsewhere. I went to bed knowing that either 2024 would have to be a year of potentially risky confrontation, of running, or of begrudgingly resigning myself to making sure i isolate anyone i care about away from. This. So thats a shadow hanging over me at the moment, and is one that has soured my week a little. I don't know what 2024 holds in regards to sorting this, it's a little scary.

I am going to be 27 this year, in February! And as i get closer and closer to thirty i realise that (while time isn't running out for me, for any of us) i really would like to move on into thriving rather than just surviving the years, and that part of that thriving needs to be transitioning and becoming independent from my parents. Of course the former is complicated due to the fact i am not able to be out to everyone in my life and even just starting the path to transitioning would out me and potentially destroy a part of my life that has been there for 26 years. There's also of course the fact i live in the uk and transitioning here is going to be a ten year waiting list if i'm even lucky and they deem me trans enough to transition l o l. So as you can imagine, thats complex and hard to figure out! On one hand i should start the process asap BECAUSE its such a long process here, but on the other hand i don't know how to handle my own safety and comfort in regards to being out to those i currently am not, and i'm not sure how my mental (and honestly physical) health would handle the fallout. The latter is complicated of course due to being broke, uneducated, physically and mentally unwell and a myriad of other factors; we don't live in a world where you can afford a home or to feed yourself anymore! So! Yknow!! Unlikely i'll be moving out anytime soon!

What i am doing at least is trying to thrive where i can, like dandelions growing in cracks the pavement may be unyielding to me at this moment but i can find the soft dirt inbetween; transitioning and independence may not be possible right now but i can continue to do my work and try to succeed there, i can make my room better for me (which i have done with finally getting a new bed after the one i had since i was a child grew no good), i can spend more time doing what i love out the house (visiting places, seeing my boyfriend, ect ect), and i can take what i can when i can. Maybe i'll try to learn to drive this year! I'm not sure i trust myself on the roads, but maybe i can learn to. And all of this is progress towards those final goals, even if i can't so much as step on the first rungs of the ladder towards them yet. I also take solace in knowing that for every dark cloud over me that makes my life feel so uncertain and hard to make it through there is incredible sunshine too; that even if the year is hard and cruel as they so often are i will still be loved i will still have friends and i will still get to smile. And that even if i can't accomplish big goals, a lot of small goals accomplished over many many bad years will build up, and one day i'll be free. And that's something.

My first hope for 2024 is THAT MY HEALTH GIVES ME A BREAK, NO MORE HEALTH SCARES PLEASE, and that perhaps i'll be able to even get some answer's and help for my physical health. My second is that my courage pays off and i succeed at flying alone for the first time to the states to be with my love! My third is that the year is kinder, and that i can make more art, maybe even regain some of the independence i had when my wrist was ok enough to let me do art as a job. My fourth is that i laugh a lot, and smile and have joyous moments with loved ones and indulge in what i love with unabashed and unashamed joy! And my fifth is that i get to do good for others, because even if i can't get out, even if i have to survive instead of thrive a little longer, i can at least try and help when i can.

Happy 2024, my chest hurts, my joints ache, but i'm still kicking and i will continue on forever. Bastards aren't getting free of me yet, i'm persistent. I haven't even ridden every rollercoaster in the UK yet.

[sunsetsimon]

hi an update after my appointment,

I DO NOT HAVE CANCER!!!!!!

holy shit i can’t even explain how good it feels to be able to say that. after wrestling with this for months i finally have the answer.

without getting too specific about it, in my last experience, i had lumps in my right breast in february 2022 that my doctor was concerned about and wanted me to get checked. my scans came back clear of malignant lumps, but there definitely were cysts in my breast tissue that were causing me pain. because of my symptoms they didn’t feel it was necessary to remove them and they eventually went away.

november 2023, right as i’m moving apartments, i notice that i have another painful lump in my right breast. i figured it must be the same cyst situation from before, so i decided to wait on it before starting to freak out. the pain continued to grow, expanding into my armpit region and i was experiencing a lot of soreness and shooting pains. i already don’t wear bra’s, but it became extremely uncomfortable and i had to move up in size to be able to continue to wear them.

one day months later as i was about to shower, i noticed that my nipple looked really weird. like, you know how as they harden they shrink and become perkier? (those with puffy nipples like me - you get it). only half of my right nipple was hard, and it looked oddly shriveled and wrinkled. this is when i started to realize that this could actually be something serious.

so i got my referral from my primary and just had my screenings today. NO CANCER. but there is abnormal tissue growth, nothing serious but it will still continue to cause me pain and soreness. (apparently this is a common thing for people with breasts)

she said it could be hormonal, as she noticed some of the same on my left breast. we’re not sure what happened with my nipple as i haven’t really experienced that again, but i’ll continue to keep an eye on everything for any changes.

i feel good knowing that as of now, it’s nothing. but with the history of my aunt, grandma, and great aunt all developing breast cancer, i should still always be on pretty high alert, especially since im not in the best health.

so yeah, trust yourself when you think something isn’t right about your body.

thank you so so so much to all who sent me kind words and thoughts, kept me in your prayers and good wishes. i am so grateful to have people who care about my wellbeing. you gave me the strength to stop being so consumed by fear and push through. i’ve even been able to write a tiny bit! i love and appreciate you all so much, seriously. and i miss you all too!

now that i’m able to have this major weight off of my shoulders i feel like i can take a deep breath again.

i hope you’ve been taking care 💗 i should have a new post for simon out soon!!

[fortheloveofnutrition]

I like to re post this every now and again because it's good advice I frequently forget.

Also I post it in part because I'm laying in bed with Covid (for the first time) at the moment and eating as much fruit as I can to expedite recovery. I grabbed a banana and orange, ate the banana and asked myself if this was a good combo or not. Glad I checked, because it was not. The last thing I need is indigestion.

But because it's me, my main focus has been doubling down on nutrition and observing my own results. I was eating plant based before, but sometimes I went a little too hard on the peanut butter trail mix, breads, or other sweet treats.

My doctor said rest and hydrate, but I took it a step further and since testing positive have cut out wheat, sugar, and any kind of dairy or processed foods. I figure nothing that could make inflammation worse. I've been consuming tons of herbs like cinnamon, ginger, echinacea, and turmeric while eating fresh citrus fruits like lemon, orange, strawberry, and pineapple daily.

Now I did a bit of tooling about the internet to see if any studies had been done over the last four years regarding a plant based diet and it's effects on Covid. The results were hopeful.

I found one study that said,

"Merino et al revealed that healthy plant-based foods could decrease the risk and severity of COVID-19.21 In this large survey, it was shown that as the quality of the diet rises, the risk of disease COVID-19 (HR 0.91) and severe COVID-19 (HR 0.59) diminishes.

Which gave me hope so I kept digging.

Another one stated, "Compared with an omnivorous Western diet, plant-based diets containing mostly fruits, vegetables, grains, legumes, nuts and seeds, with restricted amounts of foods of animal origin, are associated with reduced risk and severity of COVID-19. "

And I can tell you that has been my experience thus far. I developed a fever that went away after 24 hours and didn't go over 100.4. My only other symptom has been a stuffy nose with sinus pressure. Im definitely tired and need to limit activity but I can still taste and smell, breathe through my nose a decent amount of the time, and I'm not coughing. I'm lucky in that I have time off from work and for that I am grateful, as rest is another key component.

And why would a plant based diet be so beneficial for mitigating Covid symptoms? Because, "plant-based dietary patterns are rich in antioxidants, phytosterols and polyphenols which positively affect several cell types implicated in immune function and exhibit direct antiviral properties."

The full study can be found if you pop this into Google::

Acosta-Navarro JC, Dias, LF, de Gouveia LAG et al. Vegetarian and plant based diets associated with lower incidence of COVID-19. BMJ Nutr Prev Health 2024:e000629. doi:10.1136/bmjnph-2023-000629

I was really scared at first and this information helped me feel more empowered in my health and recovery. It's not a substitute for any medical attention or prevention like vaccines, hand washing, and mask wearing- all things I was doing regularly prior to getting sick which may have also been variables in keeping my symptoms down. A little help goes a long way.

Has any other plant based person had a similar experience? Let me know.

[luvrunfall14]

11/29/2023

Kept meaning to post after my 50k race, but got busy and just had some stuff going on. So this is my recap I guess/update of what im working towards now.

So my Ultra marathon was October 21st which happened to be on my 29th birthday, which was so fun! Longest training run i did was 25 miles 2 weeks before the race. We found out we were expecting baby #3 which we were so excited about! I wanted to talk with my ob to make sure they thought it was ok to do. I had trained all summer, so they gave the ok but hubby and I decided it would be safer to not do the whole distance. I did 18 miles, as it was a 5k loop that you just do as many times as you can in 6 hrs. It rained the whole time but it was SO much fun! Met 2 amazing strong ladies who I had the pleasure to run with till i was done. Beautiful trails and just a wonderful experience! Definitely would love to do it again!

Long story short we found out we had a missed miscarriage a couple weeks ago. I was over 10 weeks but found out baby had passed weeks before. Very rough thing to go through, makes my heart break so much for everyone who has had to go through any loss. We are moving forward and are just grateful for our 2 beautiful girls! I was afraid maybe it was because of my running. But my ob reassured me that running can not cause a miscarriage. So i am just trying to move forward.

I am running again, trying to get back into more of a routine. Running brings such joy and peace to me. Im sure other runners can relate, its my happy place to think. I did a turkey trot on Thanksgiving and have a fun Christmas 10k this Saturday.

Im back at trying to lose the last bit of weight. I am 177lbs, my goal for right now is 172 but ultimately i would love to be 165-167 or just more toned and to fit into my clothes pre kids 😅. Just trying to make an exercise routine and having a calorie deficit works really nice for me. My brother and I are doing a challenge losing 10lbs by Christmas. Im half way there!

I want to find another running goal to work towards as I enoy the schedule and just look forward to having something to work for. Though with the time of year here in Michigan im not sure im brave enough to run a race in the snowy months 😂. Maybe i should focus on toning up more and do more strength for the winter months and just do 3-5 miles when I can. Maybe work on getting faster 5 and 10k times.

If anyone has suggestions for a plan of how to just tone up/build muscle I would be very interested. I do strength workouts on youtube but i am sucker for cardio and typically choose that over strength 😝. But i think i could use some toning up lol.

[hintless]

hello blog after a year 🖐✨️

motherhood ate up a huge chunk of my time hence, 2023 flew by just that fast for me and i haven't had any update since then

my last post here was about me as an expectant mother, entering the year with no idea at all of how to take care of a baby. in fact, i have never thought so mindfully of the "taking care of the baby" part, my mind was so focused on getting the baby out healthy and whole, i haven't had the chance to think about "paano mag-alaga ng bata"

getting the baby out really scared me but it wasn't as dreading as how i imagined it to be, at least for me because i also know a lot of women who experienced the contrary. in my case, i got my baby out in 3 push and that took less than 30 minutes. if i would sum it up, the pain lasted for me for 3 hours and only when active labor began. this is not me undermining the labor pain of every woman who experience childbirth, im just saying i got lucky it wasn't as bad as everyone else's

i had my baby to my surprise on the 14th of February 🩷 my love child, didn't expect this but it just happened? we were planning our Feb 14 dates when this baby started trying to move out of my body

and it's funny how none of the names I've written here before turned to be her name. she's Zoe Agape, my life and love

to writing, i am already a mother for a year. one thing i learned, motherhood breaks a woman apart. that's for real. i wasn't like myself anymore when i had my baby and that's probably the reason why so many new moms feels very much overwhelmed after having a baby

though motherhood will break you, i am beyond grateful for the delight it brought along and having the chance to watch this, what used to be a "bean" grow to a whole new person

it's also true that our partners play a huge role in making motherhood either fun or dreading and I'm grateful my asawa went side by side with me through it. he's been the sole carer of my baby for the first two weeks after i gave birth because i was literally shaking and crying whenever i carry my child and it was my first time holding a baby so small as a kitten. i clung to these quotes when i was having a hard time:

“trust the direction that you’re heading in currently. trust the moments of unpredictability and all the sudden shifts, trust all the unexpected turns, stops and detours; your spirit guides are leading you to where you need to be, even if it feels uncomfortable or unfamiliar.”

my days are slow, I'm with the people i love and i thank the Lord every day for blessing me with this little family 🖼️

[juneberrie]

idk how to say this without being sappy but

moots ilysm <3 you've all really gave me something to look forward to every day and talking with you all about the most random shit ever is honestly a highlight of my year. im so happy i get to call you guys my mutuals, my friends, my insane partners in crime.

you are all so so talented and sweet. i am so grateful for all of you <33 2023 will be so much better cos ik ill have yall <3

@collieflower215 @sophie-i-guess13 @sophierequests @starstruckwillows @mysemantics  @lyn-winston-curtis  @mendesxruel @ell0ra-br3kk3r @finneysbaseball @moonlitmeeks @sw34terw34ther@masivechaos @starlit-epiphany @vintagepearlss @violetteshoneybee @puppy-coded @mad-elia @natti-ice @asteriasscore @starconfettii @iixbuttercup @sluggmuffin @romanticvampire

[lumiereandcogsworth]

6 17 18 29 🕺

6. Favorite title you used. hmmm. i’ll say i really liked using Dream a Little Dream of Me as a title because i adore that song and i just feel like it matched the euphoric, in love, sleepy dreamy vibe of that fic.

i also, for some reason, really love one word titles. i try not to do it too often but for some reason i appreciate being able to capture the essence of a story/scene in a single word. so here’s my 2023 one word titled fics:

Muse, Macarons, Eyelash, and Friends

17. Your favorite character to write this year? agh how can i decide between the only three characters i write for adjskd. i will say i was very proud of myself for my belle character study because that was sort of a challenge for me and i like how it turned out. i love her so so so much!!!!

i also really enjoyed dabbling in the childhoods, particularly in Macarons which is about adam as a kiddo. and Visit to the Dressmaker’s House which is belle as a kiddo.

i ALSO must give praise to maurice, who is always fun to dive into, particularly his grief :(( my most recent fic that takes place on what would’ve been his fifth wedding anniversary is so. GAH. my poor sweet artist :( but i so adore how it turned out and i love exploring him immensely. he may ultimately have been my favorite this year. but i always love my adam and belle <3

18. The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year? honestly i don’t think anyone gave me much trouble. they were all very kind and generous to me this year and i am grateful :)

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year? THAT IS SO HARD,,,, im proud of Most of my words. i’ve decided to highlight this fic, set during the film, when adam is still a beast and their love is still nervous and uncertain (but undeniable to anyone else observing them). it’s overall a wonderful piece and i’m quite proud of it, but here’s a passage i like.

Belle filled the Beast’s mind from dawn ‘til dusk, and even his dreams had included her lately. She was the sunshine itself, a glorious light in his dark and dreary life. She amazed him, the way she could see the good in everything, the way her mind worked — always full of ideas. The way she laughed and could always make him laugh in return. He couldn’t help but be endeared by her, regardless of what they were doing.

and this one too from a fic set when they were newly married. because i love writing how positively in love with belle adam is

She was different, in many different ways, and he couldn’t help but be drawn to her because of it. Where others found her peculiar and strange, he found her wild and magnificent.

ao3 wrapped!

[manifesting-mari]

Morning Pages 2/7/2023

Joe fromt he dispensary yesterday gave such great advice. If you want something, you just need to out the work in. thats true. It takes time. Im very impatient. Its like im already living in the fantasy, my mind is before my body and its activating ym nervous system. I can feel it and i like this feeling. Its wild. Its kinda making me horny. Is that what existential kink is talkoing about? I also realized i like being scared. It makes me horny. I like being uncomfortable and pushign myself and keeping myself in anxiety and chaos. Cjhaos makes me horny. Fuck im so horny rn. How can i send this energy down to my root. Let me spread this energy around my body and see who need sit. The muscles in my shoulders. I can feel myself sending the energy down to my sit bones and it bouncing up to my shoulders. What if i drop my evergy all the way down to my pelvic bone?

Rather than squeezing up i need to be pushing down, feeling the resistance of the 3d world to understand it better. Integrate myself with the 3d world. Im feeling hungry and craving. Theres a bit of the sacral in the reply tot he impulse of hunger. I want something that is tasty. That’ll hit a craving. Ohh i can make fried zucchini and pan fried rice. Im gonna take a break and do that now. I will take care of myself. I will mother myself. And then i will pleasure myself. And then i will come back and tell you what happened. 

Break

I dont value hard work. What do i value?

Ok i’m back! Lol so i made that little note. What do i value. I dont value hard work. Like, i like that my hard work is valued, but i dont personally value it. Like i see where in my programming it is valued. I see the parts of me that are screaming “if youre not sacrificing yourself then youre not worth paying” i dont enjoy having that a part of my life. But it is. So what would EK suggest. It would suggest that i indeed DO value hard work and that i enjoy the sadomasochism of suffering through a job in order to earn my money. I would much rather enjoy investing my time in my work that also helps me learn and grow into the next thing. 

I can feel the ways i tyr to make myself small becaus eid ont want responsibility i dont want to step into my power because im afraid ill get it wrong. And david’s advice for me has always been to just get it wrong. I am impatient. So i need to come up with smaller goals so i can more easily track myself and i need to document everything so i can track my progress and be in the present. My brain is hurting. Idk if its the food or the weed but i think i need to lay down or meditate for a bit. Another break

Break

Wow, what a nap, lol. I just got off the phone with Jordan and I’m grateful to be reminded of the wonderfully deep and spiritual convcersations we have. Oi admire their dedication to their growth just as my own. 

What really is coming up for me, and even after SChuyler’s meditation, is the over compensation of my gut and my sacral. I need more stabalization in my root. I need to feel like i’m taken care of. Maybe i’m having a hard time because i am avoiding fixing myself. I am avoiding healing these parts of myself that feel broken because i like being broken. I enjoy that narrative. I  like being loved but feeling like i dont deserve it. This si my disorganized attachment. I want you to be attracted to me and want me but i dont feel liek i deserve to be wanted or i dont feel that anyone should like it. Its like i get into these relationships with people to prove myself right and then also prove myself well, still right. It proves that someone thinks i’m attracteive and it gives me this validation. But then when i deny their presence, live, and care, then i prove myself right that i dont deserve love. Its fucked tbh lol. I like being this broken work in progress that is still loved even thorough the has loves and her hair is fucked up and she may be a little greasya nd sticky at the same time. 

Theres definitely a lot of root work to do. I wanna get that book “waking down” it sounds so interesting. I do feel like ive been living in my braina nd in my crown and fantasy and i wanna brign all that power down to my root too so i can support stronger growth. 

I really do like the person that i ma. I liek every part of me that makes me me. I am starting to realize that all these parts of me are valid. All these parts deserve to be here.a nd all the parts can work together. I like who i ma. I’m exciting im sexy, im honest, well, as honest as i can be. I am a liar. I am a truth teller. I am broken and i am healing. I am  expanding and getting deeper and deeper and deeper. I am a masterpiece and a work in progress. I am a timeless song that has different covers by different artists. I come in so manyu different versions and styles but the core of me is good. The core of me is loving. The core of me is the divine. 

I am starting to trust myself. Today i trust myself more than other days. I am thirsty. Im looking forward to working at the dispensary and having money to invest in healthy, yunmmy foods. I think i need some kind of structure around my food to remind myself of the goals ive been setting. I feel light headed right now and maybe that means i need water. Im gonna get some now. Brb. 

Ok, well i gotta get some water on the way home from hanging with Jordan. I’m sure i can put $10 of gas in my car and then but two more poland spring big waters.

This money insecurity is not cute. I think its just my general insecurity manifesting. I feel liek it all revolves around my job. I’d like a secure job that i know will provide me with a regular stream of income. 

I keep getting distracted. Idky. right now im thinking about kyds and looking for their next event. I really wanna connect with them. I aim to out my power where it is most productive and beneficial for the greatest good of all. I want to be able to bring the book to kyds and be like, i feel like i need to show you guys this and i want to be able to work with you to keep this book going. Its a meditation that means a lot from me and a book written nd created by people who mean a lot to me. 

I dont really know what my body is craving besides water. I think i’ll make those fried rice things for the crab meat. That seems liek a yummy dinner. I have about a half a page left. Im def gonna post this all messy liek this.

I was reading back on my old gratitude journal. I havent written in it in a long time. I always get high and then forget. I wont forget today, i’ll write in ti today. There are lots of things for me to be grateful for, i have so much anger stored in my body and i look forward to releasing it. 

Lets see,w hat else should i type about. Maybe i should reach out to diane about a mushroom ceremony? Ir maybe i should look into schuyler’s services? Or maybe i should just take the time to really turn inwards and see whats happening. I can identify whats happening lots of times but then i need support for processing all my nfeelings around it. A lot fo the feelings are grief for not having the opposite of what happened, and angr for what happened. I dont liek the word opposite, lets just say a more loving and positive outcome. So thewres still grief and angrer, and then shame of the things i did or the way i reacted to what happened. i am committed to creating more space for myself and take the time to decide what i want to do

I am really working to check in with myself and make sure im giving myself love, care, and compassion. I think im getting good at that. Today in the meditation schuyler was talking about a bigger Ma. a bigger mother than our mother who feels us a who got us. A bigger power that has us. I am grateful to feel whisps of that power. Thats inside me and inside everything. I am integrating the truth that i am cared for and loved. That everything is working out for the greatest good and my needs  are being met. 

I am still struggling with my sens eof safety and security. I still feel scared to tell people my truth and scared to be my fullest self. When i point out that fear it feels funny, and it feels like it had less power when its out in the light. It really is this shadow part fo ourselves, this shadow part of me that is working in the background. I think its time to clean out the apps in my psychological library and end the things that are still running in the background and expending my energy. I really do love me.

[dear-self-this-is-you]

January 19, 2023 - 3:11 AM

Hello. After not posting for the longest time, I am back again. Not to rant, but to pray and talk to God. I am no saint & it's been really really bad. my relationship with the Lord right now is on the rocks and I've continued to badmouth him which im not proud of. by the start of the new year, i tried to be a good child - told myself i should be more optimistic and my greatest resolution for this year? to be a kind person coz i feel like thats the hardest thing to do as life tries to shoot me in the head with all these lifewrecking asshole shenanigans that i face on the daily. I was doing better. For a long time, I was trying not to curse - which I think has lessened but still at times I still cant help but find comfort at screaming bitching words in my head. For a while, thought I was doing good & progressing to becoming a better person with clean thoughts, full of hope, & faith. but then you know, life doesn't really go your way for the most part and unexpected things almost always happen - the good and the bad stuff. I don't vividly recall anymore how I got here but it got bad, like really bad. I was having episodes of mental break down every night and there's not a day that I don't cry. whats even worse is that i just spend every day on my phone trying to distract myself drom the merciless and negative thoughts lurking in my mind. I am still here with my family but it doesnt feel like it. Ive been gone long before. I dont even go out of my room and eat with them or watch tv. i dont. i just go out if i want to kidnap my niece who doesnt really want my kisses and cuddles. i dont even take care of myself as much as normal people do. and as much as i should. i dont take a bath and brush my teeth let alone look myself in the mirror in a day just because it feels exhausting for me. the normal routine a normal person does feels too heavy for me. thats how bad it has gotten. but yeah going back to trying to speak to the Lord - I just wanna say that i just hope my one and only dream that i sincerely desire and is deeply planted in my heart is still in line with what's meant for me. they say that it's meant for you if it gives you peace but thats not whats been going on. going back last year, the best thing happened to me - i got a job offer abroad which ive been dreaming for years!!! and whats even greater is that its an opp in London, of all the cities in the world, a door has opened for me in one of the brightest and richest places in the world. what a dream right? I was so grateful I couldnt ask for more and I was so happy to share the good news with my mom which made her also vv happy for sure. I prepared for the interview and had a whole long month of interviews. fast forward to processing the documents, i noticed my old phone was not in my possession anymore. as a memory hoarder myself, i found out that my mom gave my niece's nanny the permission to own that phone thats why she brought it back to her hometown. now all my pics & vids are lost which totally wrecked me. Thats how i got back to square one. became distant & angry with my mom & that nanny living in our house. up until now, havent gotten back the strong relationship with the Lord that I had built when he fulfilled my bigtime dream. But i was able to fully recover & heal from letting go of the memories I made with that phone - the nanny was gone but I wish her nothing but well although I mistreated her because of what happened. fast forward to today, i really dont know why things are happening the way they are now because i thought by now that fulfilled dream must have already come to fruition. i thought by now i was already living the london dream and going places. but still here i am waiting for what feels like so close yet so far. Lord, i really hope this is still meant for me. please let this be meant for me. ive shed billions of tears, got empty after being so empty, lost all my faith in every little thing & was so so so fed up. ive survived & still surviving the growing pains of this waiting game so please let there be light at the end of the tunnel.