#but it also talks about society in a way that is very intimate to me

[july-19th-club]

above all of the other things good bad and sillyridiculous that it is, bbc merlin (2008) is a long, slow, dreadful commentary on being closeted among people you love but cannot trust, and the two primary characters this commentary follows (merlin and morgana) each take opposite, yet equally destructive, paths to deal with this struggle. his assimilationist tendencies put him in danger as often as they protect him, and he can never fully know whether his friends and family would protect him if he were out or not. she goes full rebel, but allows it to embitter her until she can't see good anywhere and her eagerness for justice curdles into a habit of violence that also fails to change the society that produced that habit in any meaningful way. and there is no golden age, because no matter how much you'd like to try, it takes more faith than anyone here could reasonably be expected to have to be open when your life is on the line

[lovelybucky1]

Treat Me Wrong

Kinktober Day 16- Degradation Kink

warnings: AFAB!Reader, manipulation, gaslighting, cheating, sex work, roleplay, spanking, vaginal fingering, dirty talk, vaginal sex, unprotected sex, mentions of pregnancy, 18+ minors DNI

main masterlist

kinktober masterlist

“I think we should break up,” you say.

Tommy’s face twists in anger and confusion. “Where’d you get that idea?” he asks.

This is exactly why you want to break up. He’s so dismissive and he doesn’t respect you. He’s sitting relaxed in his chair like you didn’t just suggest ending your relationship. Why is it so difficult for him to care about you?

“I’m not happy!” you say.

Tommy scoffs in response. “You live like a princess. What else could you possibly need?”

“Love and attention,” you huff.

“Christ,” he shakes his head in disbelief. “Are you a child? Do you really need me to attend to you all day to be content?”

“Not all day, Tommy. Just sometimes. What's the point in even having a lover if you won't spend time with them?"

"You act like I have a lot of free time to waste. I'm a very busy man."

His way of having excuses for everything make you feel like you're going insane.

"You have enough time to spend with prostitutes," you say bitterly. This makes Tommy perk up. "I know you go to see them after work and lie to me when you get home late. Why do you bother stringing me along if you'd rather pay for your companionship?"

Tommy chuckles darkly. "That's what this is about, eh?"

"Why the fuck are you laughing, Tommy?"

He stands up from his chair and crosses the room to stand in front of you. He places one hand on your hip while the other holds his cigarette. The smoke swirls in front of your face, the pungent smell burning your nose.

"You're jealous of my whores?" he asks smugly.

"What do they have that I don't," you ask angrily.

"I have certain needs that they satisfy."

You scoff and push his hand off of you. "We're together, Tommy. You should come to me to satisfy your needs, not step out on me."

Tommy rolls his eyes and grabs ahold of your wrist. "What I need isn't appropriate for a high society woman like yourself."

You furrow your brows in confusion, but no matter what he's talking about, you want to be able to provide it for him. "You don't get to decide what's appropriate for me or not. Besides, you'd know that I'm very adventurous if you ever took the time to actually be intimate with me."

He blinks slowly at you and licks his lips, then smirks devilishly. "You want me to treat you like one of my whores?"

"Yes, Tommy."

"Right." Tommy stubs his cigarette out in the ashtray on the side table, the turns his attention back to you. Both of his hands are on your hips now, holding you firmly. "You promise not to get upset?"

"Why would I get upset?"

Tommy fights back a smirk. "Because I tend to be a bit... harsh."

"Harsh?" you ask.

"You said you want me to fuck you like a whore. A dirty, cheap, used up whore that's only good for taking cock. Is that right?" You hesitantly nod. "Then until I'm finished, that's exactly what you're going to be. I'm only going to stop if you tell me to, otherwise I'm going to have you just like I have them."

"Okay," you breathe.

Tommy steps away from you and sits back in his chair. "Take your dress off," he instructs.

You find it a bit odd that he's just watching instead of also getting undressed, but it does make you feel better that the prostitutes he visits don't get to see him naked.

You strip piece by piece until you're bare in front of him. He stands up again and looks over your body, occasionally prodding and groping you.

"Turn around," he says, voice low. You do as he says and you allow yourself to be moved over to the couch. Tommy pushes you so you're bent at the waist over the arm rest, bare ass on display.

Tommy continues to grope you; he slaps your cheeks, spreads and slaps them, and teases at your folds.

“Wet already? Didn’t think whores got off on their work,” he says.

Without much prep, he shoves two fingers into your cunt. Like a true whore, you take them easily. He opens you up by scissoring his fingers inside you. He's going quickly, not bothering to take his time and make it pleasurable for you. You suppose he pays for his own pleasure, not yours.

"Already loose too. How many others did you have today?" he asks. When you don't answer him, he delivers a slap to your ass.

"N-none," you whimper.

"Sounds like business is slow."

He pulls his fingers out of you and wipes your wetness on your thigh. He then moves to press his hips against yours, allowing you to feel the bulge in his slacks. He grinds up against you shamelessly, making you feel even more humiliated now that he's simulating fucking you while he's fully dressed.

"Tell me you want my cock," he orders.

"I want your cock," you parrot with a whine in your voice.

"You can be more convincing than that," he says with a slap to your ass. "Be a good whore and beg me to fuck you."

You take a deep breath. "Please fuck me. I need your cock so bad... Mr. Shelby," you add for good measure.

That seems to please him, because he moves away from you far enough to pull his cock through his fly. He rubs the head through your folds, teasing your entrance with it.

"I'm not going to catch anything from fucking you raw, am I?" he asks, though he knows the answer.

"No, sir," you reply.

You're glad he bent you over like this, because that means he can't see your embarrassed face and you don't have to look into his intimidating eyes.

"Mm, good."

He pushes inside you, not gently but he doesn't aim to hurt you. Once he's fully seated inside, he begins to thrust before you're ready for it. You gasp in surprise, but you're helpless to do anything but take it.

"Didn't think pussy so cheap would take me so well," he groans. His hands grip tightly on your hips and he slams you back to meet each of his thrusts. His cock bumps against your cervix uncomfortably, but it feels best for him when you take it all the way, and that's the only thing that matters.

With each thrust, you make a punched out little moan. Tommy, however, is silent above you, save for a bit of heavy breathing. It isn't until you arch your back and really start putting on a show that he speaks up.

"Like a fuckin' professional, eh? I should come to you more often. Y'know, my woman's a real bitch sometimes. Never lets me fuck her like this. Thinks she's too good to get bent over. Has so many opinions, too. But you're a good woman; quiet, tight," he leans down, draping himself over your back to speak into your ear. "Obedient."

You can't help but moan at his filthy words, despite how degrading they are. You shouldn't find your lover talking badly about you so arousing, but you cant help it.

"She gets so mad I cheat on her but I think she'd understand if she felt this cunt for herself. 'm gonna marry her and fuck her full of babies to keep her busy while I give the real good stuff to you."

"Fuck," you whimper and immediately regret it.

"You like when I talk to you like a whore? You like getting fucked hard like I don't love you?"

It's rare that Tommy says he loves you. So rare, in fact, that you often doubt if it's true.

"Yes, yes," you gasp. "I love you."

"Mm," he hums. "Save it for when I'm not paying you."

[the-cat-and-the-birdie]

no please bc just once I wanna make hobie nervous flustered.. like why can’t he can’t be intimated by me why I always gotta be intimidated by him 🙄🙄

TRULLLYY The opportunities are endless!! Let's talk about it!!!!!!!!!!!

Hobie Brown Loves Feminists and Defying the Patriarchy aka Hobie Brown and Writing write Non-Conventional Romantic Relationships in 'x-readers'

[this is an analysis where I analyze Hobie Brown, non-conventional relationships, and how feminism factors in to it all. Basically a critique/dive/rant into the narrow 'x-reader culture' in the Hobie Fandom

I touch on issues in Smut, labels, and how we can write 'Y/N's that challenge that status quo and fit Hobie better. I also break down how I personally use feminist themes to write a non-conventional relationship for Hobie.] [Also there's now a PART 2 HERE]

Despite the man from the 1970's - the era of bra-burning second-wave feminism - I don't ever think I've seen anyone talk about it, him, and how it influences him.

We all know Hobie isn't down with labels, but it seems like in X-Fem!Reader, the only two options out there are play-boy guitarist and traditional out-of-the-box boyfriend.

Hobie. The man he follows no social quo. Don't expect flowers from him.

Hobie diverges from the norm in nearly every way, and he does it purposefully and intentionally. And I think that'd extend to his romantic relationships too.

So why do we only see him in heteronormative, traditional gender-role based relationships?

Would Hobie be into this? And does the way we write him and his relationships in x-writers serve Hobie emotionally, allowing him to be a full character? (No, they don't.)

How can begin to acknowledge that, just like Hobie cares about race, and class, and housing and queer rights - he'd care about feminism too.

And how would that influence him in romance? How can we start writing healthier x-reader's?

We have enough insecure, blushing 'Y/N's being woo'd by [insert tumblr sexy man]'. Hobie can have so much more - in the words of Beyonce "Where the ladies up in here who like to talk back?!"

Hobie Brown, Romance, and Gender Roles

Why can I be the one calling him 'love', and 'darling', and 'sweetheart'?

Where's the fic where I'm the one comforting and taking care of him when he's sick/down?

Why can't Hobie be the one asked to be held?

There's something lacking here!!!!!!!

I honestly think Hobie would be into it, and find it very attractive - having a feminine partner who defies gender roles in their relationship purposefully and proudly.

Hobie loves subverting expectations and challenging society. So, and seeing many people unthinkingly assume he'd have a completely normal, routine heterosexual relationship without question -- uhhh I don't like that!!!

Like, Hobie is very clearly attractive. He's like 6'5", a guitarist, and punk. Let's be real, people of any gender are gonna be flirting with him, whether he's into it or not. He without a doubt gets flirted at all the time.

I think he'd love someone who cuts the bullshit and is like "You're really cute. I've got the biggest crush on you."

Not in a pushy way, but a relaxed way.

But I hardly ever see the x-reader advances being initiated by the reader. Why? It can be really nice to take the confidence to ask someone out and they say yes.

In fact, a lot of x-readers are written demure, passive, and down-right unhealthy in their ability to defend themselves and stand alone. So many are based off the x reader needing Hobie for some reason, whether it be confidence, or protection, or for him to teach them something.

Never Hobie needing the reader for something. Never Hobie being the one to express emotion and need comfort.

Which is funny, because Hobie can show emotions like anger, which he does in the comics. That's NEVER brought up in fics. In no fic do we have the reader witness Hobie hitting someone with a guitar or kicking them in the face. Which Hobie does do.

No, that's too violent for the romanticized fandom of Hobie. He has to be the good boyfriend to the shy girlfriend.

And I feel like there's a reason many of these x-readers are written this way - is heteronormativity and a dash of misogyny-flavored sexism involved??? maybe.

Especially with x fem readers, feminine people are always expected to be passive and submissive. Women in the real world are expected to mute their advances and 'be coy' for the sake of sexist 'respectability'.

We're taught that 'giving them the eyes' is (somehow??) an 'advance'. Or that you have to wait to be asked out or else you're 'too forward'.

[Insert Barbie Movie Monologue here]

Personally, I think Hobie would be SO refreshed by a girl who comes up to him and is like "Hey, are you busy on Friday? Do you wanna meet me then? I wanna go on a date with you."

Because, realistically 95% of the people in the Hobie fandom - including me - would probably be too nervous to even speak a sentence to Hobie.

So for someone to approach him directly, state their intentions, and be so open to potential rejection, that's impressive - I think he'd LOVE that shit!!!

I think it's a nice juxtaposition to have him with someone who diverges from the 'demure ideal of a girlfriend'.

A girl who walks around like Jessica Drew. Walks in the room like "My man is SEXY AF and he about to walk in so LOOK. BE JEALOUS."

I imagine so many people around him try to act like they DON'T like Hobie when they clearly do - and he can tell. So to have someone who isn't hiding it is a kind of candidness that differs from it all.

So often are women forced into the passive role of waiting to be 'chosen'. Fuck that, you want him, go get him.

Hobie, Romance, and Labels

I also think Hobie would REALLY like a partner who knows what they want.

I always see people be like 'Hobie doesn't like labels!! He wants to keep it casual!' or 'Nooo he was kidding about the labels thing - he'd love a committe-'

WHO SAYS HE'D BE THE ONE DEFINING THE SITUATION????????? WHO SAID HE GETS THE LAST SAY???!!!!!

I feel like Hobie would go fucking NUTS for a girl who is straight up like "yeah I'm just trying to fuck. Are you okay with that?" or "I like what we've got going on. I'm not looking for anything serious, but let's keep going."

Or a partner that is very clear about their labels. A person who's like "I like you but if you're not trying to be exclusive I'm gonna get a move on." Because he's not gonna have you out here looking DUMB, people better know you're in the mfing picture.

That's some grown ass shit! It shows she knows what she wants and that she's not wavering on it, even for him. He's with it. I don't think Hobie would be down to be like "I'm ur boyfriend now" OR "I'm ONLY down for fucking lol srry'.

She gets a say too. And she should be clear on what she wants.

If she's the one to take the initiative and name the game - that's great for him. He's down for whatever, what is it that YOU wanna do??

Hobie, Romance, and Intimacy (like for the grown folks 18+) __________________________________

🔞

In a LOT of fic and especially SMUT, it's always Hobie making the advances, or at least initiating them. In society, women are taught that's how is, that being sexually 'aggressive' and proactive - not just SUGGESTIVE - is inappropriate.

Wait till Hobie slaps your ass, then the smut could start. Wait till Hobie kisses you, then there's romance.

Nah, I'm the one smacking his ass. I'm the one pulling his belt loop saying Come 'ere. What if I'm the one who wants to pull him down for a first kiss, huh??? I gotta wait??

Even in dialogue-

In a lot of fics Hobie can talk as raunchy as ever, but the woman can't say 'pussy'? Hobie can say three sentences straight about how my coochie feel but the reader only gets to moan submissive requests back??

Can the dirty talk be two-sided? Because women should be allowed to be vocal in their pleasure.

Hobie can tell you he wants you to suck his dick, but when's the reader gonna say "Come eat this pussy like you mean it." HM??????

In fics the reader can only be suggestive - in order to bait him into initiating, like sending him a suggestive picture or throwing a bra on stage. But it's hardly ever the other way around. With the reader being the one to say 'Enough of the teasing, we fucking NEOW.'

Because in our society, a guy slipping a girl's shirt off to get the scene going is hot. But a woman going for a guys belt before he begins to undress her - nooo, that's too forward.

Maybe Hobie wants to feel like the sexy, desired, sought after one.

_______________________________________________

Hobie, Romance and Feminism

Let it be known: Hobie loves people who are socially educated!!!!

If you can look at him and explain what anarchism actually is - like in a politcal theory sense - I think he'd be impressed, because you're seeing through the 'pseudo-rockstar' persona he puts on.

Most if not all of his actions are choice are driven by political action, so having a partner educated in things like anarchy or communism just makes sense with him. Hobie cares about stuff like that, and actually goes out of his way to study and live in line with those ideals.

That includes feminism!!!

I think Hobie would love a girlfriend who is invested in feminism, cares about it, and thinks about it in her decision making.

A woman that is educated about her oppression and how to combat it, and purposefully goes against the strict stereotype labeled on women - especially feminine women - as an act of protest.

A girl who can and will defend herself, go off on, or put a sexist pig in their place. You can't tell me he wouldn't be into that.

Social movements of the oppressed are super important to Hobie, and I think feminism is the same, but I never see it mentioned.

I definitely think that Hobie would have a clear understanding of his privilege as a man and how that effects relationships.

I can see him being like "I'd never propose." Not because he hates labels, but because he acknowledges that for centuries marriage was used as a financial and social transaction to oppress and control women and their bodies, and he doesn't want to be involved in that.

Hit him with that "Same - the gold and diamond rings are trash anyway. Both materials being mined and pillaged in African nations for centuries at the expense of the indigenous populations really puts me off it."

He'd wanna somehow find a way to marry you without marrying you you know what i mean

Hobie loves feminism and feminists. Give him a 70's bra-burning feminism so help me god. He was alive for Roe v. Wade passing (1973), he KNOWS about feminism and probably knows many outspoken feminists.

Hobie, Romance and Individuality

You know what I don't like?

Headcanons or fics that be like "You and Hobie NEVER disagree or argue. Never ever, you always talk it out."

Like...Bullshit. I'm sorry but I don't think it's very realistic.

Hobie is a very opinionated too. He's very outspoken and when it comes to topics, and he usually knows exactly where he stands. I think, without a doubt he'd care what his partner thinks too.

Asking them about a record that's playing, or what they think of a movie they saw in the past, or a new political issue going on. He'd absolutely ask, because he cares. He's interested.

If if ya'll are never disagreeing that means:

Either you agree with his opinion all the time without fail or exception OR

You're biting your tongue around him

I don't think one is very realistic in terms of things. You can't like every song your boyfriend likes. You can't like every movie he shows you, or agree on EVERY political issue. That's not how people are.

And for two - if you're biting your tongue around him, he'll notice.

Yes, Hobie is a very emotionally intelligent person and extremely compassionate. But he's also very strong in his morals, thoughts, and beliefs. He doesn't budge.

If you're biting your tongue, I'd imagine he'd be like "You wanna say something." or "Whatever you're thinking just say it." cause he can see it in your face.

He's not trying to put you on the spot, he just wants to know what you're thinking.

When you explain what you're thinking, he's probably gonna wanna hear why, and respond, etc etc.

Hobie is a very individualistic person, and I think he'd be drawn to someone who is as well. Someone who is solid in their opinions and personhood enough to express them.

It leads to interesting conversation and knowing each other deeper -It's a form of intimacy.

If you watch a film with him and don't like it, he's gonna ask why. Did you not like the theme? Was the dialogue bad? What part did you think sucked the most, he thought x, y, z. What do you think about the part he disliked, did you notice a,b,c?

I feel like Hobie would want to know his partner deeply, and he'd care and love the things that make them different from each other.

Including differing opinions.

Discussions and debates aren't bad. Discussing something and getting heated defending your point can be really fun and stimulating, if it's with someone you care about and the two parties are mature and not assholes.

Tell him why you think he's wrong about something - he wants an excuse to talk more about his opinion. INTELLECTUALLY CHALLENGE HIM DONT JUST AGREE.

Along with being very individualistic, Hobie is very independent. He refused to rely on the Society for their watches - he made his own. So I think the next important thing to him is:

Hobie, Romance and Independence

I like the idea of Hobie having a partner that has their own place and is committed to that, and their space.

Or a partner that emotionally supports him!!

95% of the time, he's the one asking what's wrong, or holding reader, or comforting them.

Can we get hectic bf and organized girlfriend energy?? A gf where he says plans during missions and she's like "What are you thinking? You're gonna get us killed."

A gf that soothes HIM when he gets angry - cause comic Hobie GETS angry, especially after a fight.

Give me ONE, ONE fic where he's drunk coming from a pub and READER has to deal with drunk Hobie and put him to bed.

Hobie is ALWAYS expected to take care of himself, and the people around him. He takes pride in this and he's good at it. But why should he have to do it all the time?

_____________________________________________

In general,

Hobie is a confident person. He knows what he wants, and how to handle himself, and how to approach people and get respect just by being himself. He's assured, and outspoken, and VERY independent. He does what he wants, when he wants and lets you know when it happens

I think pairing him with a confident, assured, outspoked, independent person is only natural. I think him having a relationship with a personality like his would be a ROCK SOLID one.

There's be no fics like 'Groupies were bullying you' because his she would be like "Sis, if I swing on you he isn't gonna hold me back so be careful."

I want a reader that when they do that trope of 'A girl was flirting in front of him making you insecure and uncomfortable' - The reader squashes it right there. Like "Girl, I know you see me standing here. You know we're together. Cut the cute shit!!"

I'm tired of fics taking me for an insecure, submissive, demure, sexually innocent, wimp of a babydoll girlfriend that needs to be babied at every turn. There's nothing wrong with being shy and demure, but when it's all you're offering it's not gonna cut it.

Especially not for Hobie Brown.

Let the tall, dark, actively oppressed black man be the one to vent, or be held, or romanced, and spoken sweetly too. There's so many comfort fics, but not many of them consider Hobie's own trauma - and how a relationship could include that.

Hobie Brown deserves more.

_______________________________________________

If you wanna know how I use this to write a non-conventional relationship for Hobie, that's below this break.

Okay so I'mma leave it here but if you read this far, thank you!!!! I be SO pissed when fics be talking me (Y/N) as a punk (in the wimpy sense not the Hobie sense). Like...nah I wouldve said something in a lot of situations. Irk my last nerve. Like the one where the girl PINCHES you??? Like?? Nah I we would've been fighting, I'm sorry this is unrealistic

Alsooo the section below is about my Spidersona Disco-Spider and how I encorporated all of this into her creation- because I wanted to write a sona who subtly defied gender roles while still being feminine. So if you wanna read there thank you so much, and if not, thanks for reading this far! He's a pic of Hobie in thanks!

[If you wanna check out Part 2 for direct examples, how to write NCRs, and a more in depth look into Disco and Hobie - check it out here]

_______________________________________________

DiscoSpider Diane and The Great Groupie Act [How I use all of this to a write a feminist Spidersona and a non-conventional relationship]

Diane is a HUGE Hobie Groupie - and that's kinda of her main thing.

She runs the Hobie Brown Fanclub on campus, attends all his shows, and wears his guitar pick. She's into him and she's not afraid to show it.

I wanted to write Diane as a purposeful groupie, one who is fine with the title, and even leans into it. Because a lot of the time - and in a lot of fics including guitarists - 'groupie' is seen as a negative thing.

Like K-pop stans, being a 'groupie' - and openly expressing your romantic interest in a hot guy is seen as desperation.

But I wanted to write her as one in spite of this. To swap 'desperation' for unwavering boldness. A girl with the motto 'Closed mouths don't get fed'.

And much like Hobie uses the 'typical punk' label to disarm others, I wanted Diane to mirror that - in the opposite direction.

Diane is a self-proclaimed groupie. And because of that, many (mainly misogynists) assume that she can't think for herself - or at all. And Diane can use that to her advantage.

If Miguel and Jess really believe she only cares about conversations involving Hobie, then they'll talk like she isn't there. And she can listen. If it looks like she's hanging all over him, no one realizes if she's slipping him information.

And it also helps in their relationship.

They both enjoy their privacy.

HQ prohibits relationships between Spidey-people. It's an anomaly waiting to happen - and they make sure to keep a close eye out for it. Plus with Jess breathing down her neck, it's much easier for Diane and Hobie to just keep it underwraps.

In comes the Groupie persona.

No one actually expects the groupie to get the guy. She's desperate, and he's the player guitarist. Plus, if they were dating she couldn't be a 'groupie' right? They wouldn't make sense, would it?

They let people make their own assumptions. By calling herself a groupie, suddenly people think there's no possible way there's something going on, and they don't look closer.

This also allows them the freedom of no labels. Are they boyfriend and girlfriend? Nah she's his groupie. Quit asking questions.

All of this allows me to write Disco in a way that connects back to everything in this post.

By calling herself a 'Groupie' suddenly Diane can subvert expectations of affection, avoid the pressures of labels, and control her image and the amount of information she lets on to people

That in turn helps me write their relationship in a nonconventional way - a way that challenges misogyny around affection and reclaims a sexist fan trope for something more empowering.

Sure, the concept seems silly at first. The ditsy, bubbly, party girl on campus, but I wanted there to be a reason and drive behind it.

Disco-Spider Diane is exactly who she wants to be, an unapologetic, outspoken disco-girl. One that's highly educated and knows her shit.

And also a huge groupie.

-----------------------------------------------

If you've read this far, thank you so much. It genuinely means a lot to me! This is reaaaaaallly long.

[Part 2 here]

Now how about you take this photo of Hobie and we both pretend like me writing this is normal well-adjusted behavior okay? okay

Bye.

[beck404]

“I think ‘forced’ isn’t the right word I would use, but I would say that I would have preferred to do it another way” - Kit Connor for British Vogue

Credits to: Alasdair McLellan for British Vogue!

Kit opened up about coming out and his experience with bisexuality in his recent interview with British Vogue.

He shared how natural it was for him to come to terms with his sexuality, and even tho his family were supportive and accepting, it was completely different in his all-boys school, where he wasn’t really accepted in a lot of ways. “I was in a very heteronormative atmosphere”

This really shows the reality of being a part of the LGBTQ+ community, not being accepted by society since they are predominantly heterosexual and how genuinely hard it is to find a safe space to truly be yourself.

He also said he doesn’t regret coming out, “In many ways it was really empowering” he told Vogue.

He talked about Heartstopper and how much it meant to him to be part of it!

You can read the rest of the article here!

I’m so proud of Kit. This interview was so intimate without going too far, and the way Kit talks about how he currently feels with his sexuality and being out makes me really happy. I hope he knows how important he is to the bisexual community.

If you guys have a chance i really encourage you to read the whole article, he talks about a lot of stuff but it’s really eye-opening to hear his experience with queernes and being open about it. I promise you is worth it.

also WE’RE 30 DAYS AWAY. WTF.

[totothewolff]

Season of Love (6/?)

+18 | Toto x reader fem!teamprincipal, romance, comedy, and some good drama.

Summary: One night on a pier in Monaco, while admiring the sea under the night skies, you tell Toto: "I came to the conclusion that love is simply not meant for me." That's the answer to a question you have been asking yourself for the longest time. But what if he proved you wrong? Author's note: This is a multichapter Toto Wolff x team principal reader fic set along a season of F1. It's a very immersive story full of drivers, team dynamics, races, mystery, and smut. You just bought the Williams team, but nobody really knows who you truly are.

< Previous chapter | Masterlist | Next chapter >

Dances with Wolff Arc Chapter 6: Collision at Turn "Your Heart"

UK

Sam and Toto go to the Soft Serve Society in London the following day to have milkshakes. They share a sizeable Instagram-able shake, asking for two straws instead of one. 

The place is intimate and small, perfect for chatting. Its location in a trendy neighborhood gives Sam the ideal excuse to pull that Thom Browne boyish suit out of her suitcase.

As Sam is asking for two matcha cookies to complement their order, she notices Toto smiling like an idiot at his iPhone screen.

—Wow, that time you two spent apart did wonders for your relationship. I thought it was a "cease and desist" situation, as if there wouldn't be a turning point, but I haven't seen you like this in a long time.

—How? —Toto moves his gaze to Sam, a bit perplexed.

—Stupidly in love. So you two are genuinely back?

—Oh, that... well, we are trying this open relationship thing. Actually, I wanted to talk to you about it.

Sam gives him a judgy look, her eyebrows slightly frowning. —Let me guess. Susie suggested it; you said no, then she pressured you, and you followed along. There is no need to explain further; I get it.

Toto shrugs and barely nods his head.

—It's always what Susie wants, isn't it? You are so blind sometimes —she sounds now annoyed.

—I thought you, of all people, would get it. You see love differently than in the traditional way. Preferences aside, you are more free regarding feelings and partners.

—Yes, yet I'm not into playing with other people's feelings. 

—I'm not being played or playing with her feelings.

—To which one of the two hers are you referring?

A silence.

It's the first time Sam addresses the elephant in the room. 

—Listen, I don't want to overstep, and God knows I don't want to get in the middle; I love you both; yes, I said that, and stop smiling like that, but for fuck sake, you two need to communicate and talk! LIKE TALK! I know it's not my place, and I have tried to remain as neutral as possible, but I genuinely care about Y/N; there's more you need to know about each other because this thing is going to blow in your faces the worst way.

—What's on this? Is this really happening? You telling me how you are feeling? —Toto picks up the shake to smell it, making a funny face and trying to lighten the mood. He also avoids giving Sam an answer but pays attention to her every word.

—Oh, fuck off —Sam pushes him a bit roughly.

—Sugar sure is a drug! —Toto's holding a laugh.

-

—How did your day out with Toto go?

—How do you know we went out? Stalker!

In response, you give Sam an exaggerated insulted expression (hand over your chest and open wide mouth). —He texted me when you two were at the ice cream place! He even sent me these pictures! —you show her the conversation. —By the way, that outfit of yours is CUTE!

—Oh! It was you then —she says quickly and softly.

—Sorry? —you look at Sam as if another head grew from her neck.

—Oh, nothing. Toto didn't mention anything. He was just smiling like an idiot and giggling like a teenager, looking all in love at his phone screen.

—All what? Sam, what you said?! —you feel your heart in your throat.

—Did you follow my advice? —she cuts your shenanigans.

—I tried to follow it and address our "situation," but he rushed to get wine. He ran from the conversation, and I didn't feel like having it much, either. I knew how it was going to end.

—Well, keep pushing, trust me.

—Is there something I should worry about? —you suddenly stop and look straight at her.

—It's not my place to tell —Sam answers neutrally.

Then you two board your jet with directions home, your new home, Monaco. 

Now, thanks to Sam's words, an eerie sentiment fills your head. Is she trying to warn you something?

-

It's a quiet flight; well, if it wasn't for Samanta's snoring, not even an English Bulldog snores that loud. 

Which makes you laugh hard; you have forgotten how terrible Sam sleeps. 

It's been a while since you two slept nearby, which was the most common thing for all those years you lived at the Manor.

You have always been very much like sisters.

You take out your phone and start recording a video of Sam sound asleep with T-rex arms, open mouth, and loudly snoring, all weirdly placed on the comfy, big seat next to you.

-

Monaco

Why, every time you land in Monaco, your mind is in desperate need of a Toto detox?

-

As soon as you are in the car ride home, you hit the send button on the "Get a grip, loca🏎!" group chat.

After you share the video of Sam sleeping, a long list of replies and reactions appear in the group.

She threatens to murder you in your sleep.

-

Two nights after being back, when Charles enters the apartment wearing the world's most oversized outfit while trying to juggle four bottles of wine - one held under his chin - and a big fancy grocery bag while avoiding stepping on "Robbie" - your Roomba robot - you feel so at home; this couldn't be a more domestic scene for you two before you rush to help him.

Never mind, too late! Now, the kitchen floor looks like a crime scene. 

God, how much you missed him! Keeping your friendship while hiding it from the rest of the Scuderia has been difficult. 

Ferrari is a hermetic group that likes it that way; being extra friendly with the enemy could cost Charles' head, thanks to Binotto's paranoia.

—FUCK! FUCK AND FUCK! —he lets out, looking at the now red floor, followed by various French cursings coming out of that pouty mouth. 

—At least the other three survived —you hear Sam say, entering behind him and holding two more bottles and a cake.

—Several bottles of wine and lots of food. This is an intervention for me, isn't it? —you ask, looking at them suspiciously.

Both of them energetically nod.

—We need to talk about Bruno —Charles jokes; he obviously means Toto while grabbing the paper towel on the kitchen counter to try cleaning his mess, which is as useless as you expected.

—Damn —is all you let out.

At some point, Charles gives up and prefers leaving a fat tip and a Post-it for Rosita when she comes clean tomorrow morning.

-

—Hi, I have a quick question: How much do you weigh?

A text from Toto comes in the early hours of the day as you are about to hit the treadmill in your luxurious building's training center. You rushed down there, unable to sleep a second more.

After the intervention, you comprehend lots of things need to change.

—(Y/N's weight), why? —you reply. 

It's still dark outside.

Only you and three others are alone in the enormous gym section, which feels quiet and isolated, perfect for decompressing. 

Apparently, when Toto and you are apart, you are both early birds. It's always a snooze fest when you two are tangled in sheets. Probably, it's because he makes the world's most fabulous pillow or because he loves having you wrapped in his arms.

Judging by his text's unusual hours, he may be overthinking it too. Lately, you have felt driven to exercise earlier in the morning as well to avoid losing your sanity.

A couple of minutes later, a video of Toto adjusting the weight of his barbells to your weight before doing a couple of hip thrusts comes as a reply.

You watch the video a couple of times, okay, several times, before hitting the reply button. —I can help you do some repetitions if you want; I know a very effective routine! My trainer also advised me I needed more cardio —you tease him, feeling a tingle down there, hehe. 

Fuck! You are falling for it again, and you just swore to Sam and Charles that there would be no Toto during this break!

As Toto reads your text, a pleased smirk forms on his lips, and then he exhales and returns to exercise. 

He shouldn't be feeling this desperate for your attention. It has been only the first week without seeing you.

The way you have turned his life upside down is unimaginable.

-

—Your girl is in town! —Normani sends a selfie of herself in the group chat, throwing a pose on the Monaco pier, looking flawless and stylish in a two-piece Casablanca outfit (an orange thee with colorful stripes and shorty shorts and pulling the coolest glasses) while blowing a kiss. —Let's hang out tonight!😈😈

—OH, I KNOW JUST THE PLACE —Lando writes back.

—Italy.

Several "???" appear.

—I'm in Italy —Seb clarifies.

Now, it makes sense.

—Someone needs to help Seb with this, really —George says.

—Let's take him to one of those free classes at the Apple store, you know, with the senior citizens —Checo jokes. —I'm with Carola's parents and the kids in Guadalajara, so we are out of the fun this time.

—Tell Carola I love her —you request Checo.

—I will, thx.

—I don't wish for an apple, thank you —Seb replies.

—Dear God —Lewis texts.

—Jk! Jk! I'm not that inept, and I'm not yet a senior citizen, but soon, 2032 let's go! —Seb exits the conversation.

—Lando, send the location —Lewis texts. —That's great to know, Seb. I'm already saving for our turbo wheelchairs to challenge you in races at the retirement home.

—There, see you guys at 1 a.m.

—I want to live enough to witness that, Lewis —Mick enters the conversation.

—This club looks like a shithole! I don't wish for my organs to get stolen —Charles points out after looking for the place on Google Maps; it's only a run-down facade photo of the place in a not-that-neat street.

—Trust me, you are going to love it —Lando comments.

—Is it private? —Lewis asks. —Cause last time we went out in London, getting us out of there was a nightmare.

—That's precisely why I'm suggesting this place!

—Spain.

—I'm in Spain —Carlos texts, mocking Seb. —Have fun without me, guys, even though I don't think you can. Send pictures. I miss you, my friends.

—Te extraño, too🙇‍♀️ —you reply, Carlos, you have become fond of him.

—🥰🥰 —Carlos sends.

—I'm liking this sketchy, mysterious place already —Sam joins in.

—Sam, is Millie still in town? —you ask her, you met Millie for brunch two days ago.

—No, I already left 😭😭😭. Mick invited me to hike in Patagonia—a photo of them out in nature follows her text. 

—Okay, the ones who are going, please send a hands-up emoji; I'm booking the table —Lando texts.

-

You make your way through the winding streets of Monaco on Charles' bike at full speed; you are sure you flashed at least four people with that party mini dress you are wearing as you head to the mysterious nightclub. 

As soon as you park, you agree with Charles that it looks like a sketchy part of town, but the faint sound of pulsing music and the flickering lights emanating from a door down a narrow corridor between two buildings right in front of you quickly distract you and guides you in.

Soon, as you enter and go down the long stairs, you are immediately enveloped in a world of luxury "decadence." 

The atmosphere is electric, and the air is heavy with the scent of exotic perfumes. 

—It smells like good sex —is what Lando tells you as he greets you, looking at your two "trying to discover the scent" faces.

The walls are decorated with striking artwork, each more provocative and daring than the last.

For sure, this place is the stage for many wild escapades.

As almost everyone gets there, the group is drawn to the center of the club, near where the main stage, lit up with swirling lights and seductive, almost naked dancers. 

Your table in the VIP area "it has the best location in the place", again, according to Lando.

As you sit next to Nomani, who gave you the world's greatest greeting hug, you get mesmerized by the hypnotic rhythm of the music and the dancers' graceful motions. 

You get transfixed, unable to tear your eyes away from them. Gorgeous he/she/they are on the stage.

—Beer, gin, what are we drinking? —Normani asks you.

—Tequila —you answer too quickly for her and Sam's amusement.

—Tequila, it is! —she says loudly and makes a little dance, shaking the girls around. The more than happy waiter witnesses it before getting the bottle.

You pour everyone a shot to start the night. Lewis just arrived, and George is running late as usual.

—Can you smell it? —you ask everyone.

A couple of "What?" come along.

—The regret —you joke as you all take the shot.

The group then goes full party core, joining the pulsating dance floor and losing themselves in the music. 

Laughter and shouts fill the air as the exotic dancers approach you and the crowd to exchange some sensual moves.

Amidst the chaos and allure of the night, Toto arrives. Unexpectedly.

Charles and Sam instantly look at you, almost throwing you darts.

—I swear to God I didn't invite him!

George did.

-

As alcohol skyrockets Lando, he starts doing push-ups for you in the middle of the dance floor as a techno-dub mix of Olivia Newton John's and Dua Lipa's "Physical" starts playing while he looks straight at you.

—Is that supposed to impress me? —you raise an eyebrow, cross your arms, and lean on Lewis, who is also witnessing the action.

—Is it working?

—Never stop believing in your dreams —you laugh it off, and Toto playfully rolls his eyes at him, then winks at you.

"Oh, God, I'm weak! I'm not going to resist the temptation."

—The dancer with the jockstrap hasn't taken his eyes off you the entire night —Toto points out for Normani, gesturing to which one he refers.

Normani makes a "definitely wouldn't mind" expression. —Too bad I don't do one-night stands —she confesses.

—Like ever? —Lewis looks at her like she is from Mars.

—Hopeless romantic right here! —Normi answers. —I like to party, but I'm so old-fashioned. Thanks, Mom!

—What a classy lady, indeed! —George says.

—It's my Britishness britishing —she jokes. —I want a husband, a big house in the countryside, horses and babies, you know, the traditional.

—Like, literally, this is the worst place to discuss family! —Sam warns them with a "Don't kill the mood, guys" look.

—The worst! —you all burst out laughing.

—I'm not sure if she is messing with us or..? —Lando comes closer to saying to Charles.

—No, really! It's my biggest wish. I can't wait to be a mom! —Normani lets out. 

—But you are so young! —everyone looks so shocked at her. Quite the revelation!

—I KNOW, but I want four! So, I better hurry up.

—FOUR?!! —everyone kind of screams in response.

Normani looks at them with a big smile, happy with the chaos her confession is causing.

—I get you, girl. I do love one myself; I have wanted to be a mom for years now. I feel I'm close to adopting one, but I need to do something with my schedule first. It would be impossible with a baby!

Toto listens to your conversation, very quiet and still, looking as if something inside him broke.

-

—Hey, I want to talk to you privately. I have something important to tell you; it's been on my mind for a while —Toto approaches you to whisper in your ear.

—Oh, sure, yeah —you agree to. "Okay, breathe, the moment it's coming."

When you reach a quiet spot to talk without all the people buzzing around, the loud background noises, and the almost butt-naked performers, you two remain there in an awkward silence for a minute.

Toto looks like he wants to say something but doesn't, so you break the ice first, feeling your hands shaking a bit.

—So what do you want to tell me that's so important?

He looks straight at you and takes two steps to close the distance between you. —Ahem, so... so what are you planning for... for the off-season? —he takes you off guard.

"Okay, this is not what I was expecting."

—I... I don't know... yet.

—Maybe we could spend it together. I know a private island that would be perfect —Toto offers you, totally improvising.

—Oh, I see...

—I mean... if you want to.

—No, no, of course, I want to!

—Perfect, then —he says, his voice deep. Toto then takes your hand, and you're surprised by the warmth from his touch.

"Coward" "Selfish" is all Toto thinks for himself. "But I don't want to lose her. I need her just a bit more. I don't know how to quit her."

—What do you say if we continue this conversation somewhere even more private? —Toto invites you, his intense dark eyes piercing right through you. 

Before you have time to respond, he takes your hand and leads you toward the exit at the back of the place and into his car.

Soon, you arrive at his luxurious penthouse, abandoning almost all of your party clothes in the process. 

You glance around the dimly lit living room, admiring its opulence. The walls are decorated with fine art, and the scent of wealth lingers in every corner.

Toto, already bare-chested, removes the rest of his clothes, revealing himself. You can't help but stare at his toned abs, defined muscles, and delicious dick. 

He smirks, noticing your admiration, and pushes you closer to the sofa. It creaks softly under your weight as he sits you down, eyes locked onto each other.

—You're stunning —Toto says while tracing his fingers down your body as you remove your last piece of clothing.

Your pulse quickens at his touch, and you move in, pressing your lips hard against his.

Toto's tongue sneaks its way between your parted lips as he pulls your naked body close to his. You moan softly.

Slowly, he leans back onto the plush pillows, taking you with him. Your bodies intertwine in a passionate embrace, enjoying the heat from his broad chest into you as you run your hands all over him, feeling every inch of Toto pressing against your core.

He grabs you by the hips, grinding you against him forcefully, causing an excited whimper to escape your lips. You can't help but crave his every single inch.

Sliding yourself lower, you feel him harden beneath you. —Fuck, you're so hard —you whisper into his ear as you stroke his length up and down. 

Toto flips you onto your back, not letting you control the show yet, spreading your legs wide. He effortlessly glides both of his hands beneath your ass, lifting you up like you weigh nothing.

His left-hand squeezes your ass cheek possessively while his right supports your lower back. Then Toto lowers his mouth to your inner thigh, his tongue trailing a path of wetness up to your core, where he tastes you. 

You gasp, your breath hitching whenever his tongue flicks your clit.

Plunging his tongue deep inside you, he tastes the sweetness of your essence. Moving back up to your clit, he sucks hard, provoking you to tremble under the pleasure.

Your fingers entangle his thick hair, tugging and pushing as waves of delight roll over your body. 

Toto stares at your swollen clit and massages it gently, building an almost unbearable tension in the pit of your stomach before he slides first one finger, then two inside of you, feeling you tighten around them as he moves them in deliberate circles.

—What the fuck, you feel incredible —he mumbles against your folds. He increases his pace, sucking harder, flicking faster until you are shuddering against him, gasping for breath, about to break apart.

Your vision gets blurry as an involuntary moan escapes your lips.

—I'm so fucking close —you cry out, inarticulate with pleasure. Toto looks up and climbs back up your body, kissing and nipping at your soft flesh as he goes up until his thighs are between yours.

—You want me to make you come, don't you? —he whispers seductively, nibbling on your earlobe.

You nod, biting your lip. You need Toto to fill you, to end this unbearable craving he had built inside you.

—Please, Toto —you beg, thrusting your hips upward. A desperate whimper tears from your throat when your sexes don't meet.

Toto chuckles softly, smirking at your desperation. —Then fuck me —he murmurs, placing you on top of him, inviting you to ride him right there, inviting you to guide him inside of you. —Fuck me hard.

The feeling of him filling you up, inch by inch, sends waves of ecstasy through your body. —Oh, god, yes —you moan, encouraging him deeper.

Your bodies move together in perfect harmony as you ride waves of pleasure. Toto grunts and groans with each bounce, whispering obscenities in your ear as you cowgirl him with an arched back, panting heavily. Wetness pools between you as your sweat-slicked bodies slap together rhythmically.

Toto grabs your hands and pins them behind your back, changing the angle of his thrusts. He hits a spot deep within you that sends shivers down your spine, producing a guttural moan from your lips. 

He smirks at the sound and repeats the action, watching your reaction with fascination.

—Fuuck —you cry out, every muscle tensing as your fingers curl into fists. 

Toto continues to plow into you, each thrust harder and deeper than the last, making your tits bounce without control, making you a mess. 

You look down at him to see your bodies moving in a slick rhythm, leaving trails of sweat and lust on your skin. He looks wild, eyes burning with desire and mouth parted in a low growl as the scent of sex permeates the air around you.

You whimper as he releases one of your wrists, allowing you to wrap your hand around your breast. Your fingers tease your sensitive nipple, sending a fresh wave of sensation flooding through you.

Toto watches you touch yourself, entranced by the movement of your hand on your breast as his thrusts become erratic.

—Fuck, you're so goddamn beautiful —he mutters roughly, his hips slamming into yours hard. The sound of your bodies colliding resonates throughout the room, mixing with your erratic breathing. 

—You like that? —Toto asks, smirking at your eager expression. You feel yourself getting closer to the edge, ready to burst at any moment.

Toto's dark eyes pierce into you, watching every twitch of your face and every moan of breath.

His thrusts become more deliberate, each one pressing into your womb.

—Fuckkk —Toto groans loudly, struggling to contain himself. His muscles tense as he gives it to you very fast; sweat drips down his face, onto his chest, and you.

—Toto! —you moan very loud as you come all over his dick.

—I need you —he confesses to you as he is about to come. You bounce hard and desperately on his cock, till you hear him grunting loud; a mess of panting Toto fills you up.

-

Ferrari's big anniversary is coming up next weekend, and they are set to throw the biggest party ever, a very fancy gala that will take place in Rome, or so Charles discloses to you.

—I'm actually excited for this one! ���then he turns to show you the jewelry bracelet he likes before trying it on while cheerfully chit-chatting.

—This one is more your style, I like it better —you agree with his pick, as you two are out shopping.

While the sales lady adjusts it to his wrist measurements, Charles continues telling you: —This party has been in the making for so long, and all the rumors we have been hearing about it from the planners keep getting better; it honestly sounds so good!

You attentively listen to him while trying on a set of butterfly diamond earrings. Yes, you need them.

He continues: —I really wish I could take you like my plus one! But I'm taking my mom; I promised her way before meeting you.

—Oh, sweetie, no worries! But do tell me more about it. Sounds fabulous.

—Well, it will be very VIP, with only big clients, a couple of A-lister celebrities, and influential motorsports people. There's a lot of gossip about what or who will be the entertainment.

—I guess I'm not part of the big names of motorsports yet because I haven't been invited, haha. Mattia doesn't like me, isn't it?

—He is not your biggest fan, but almost no one has been invited; as far as I know, it's just the Scuderia and people Mattia considers his "paddock friends." —Charles gestures with his hands. —And some special guests with a history with the brand, like Niki. He is going! I know because Sam is his plus one; she told me yesterday.

—Maybe I should buy Ferrari to party with you at that fabulous event —you laugh it off as you sign the check for the earrings.

—And to party with Niki —Charles adds, joking.

—I heard he goes hard! —you joke back. Nowadays, if Niki stays up after 10 p.m., he considers it a wild night, in his words.

-

As you are about to finish your grilled salmon at that gorgeous "Gaia" restaurant in Monte Carlo, your phone buzzes on top of the white mantelpiece, grabbing your attention.

—Didn't you lose something?

—Not that I know.

—How weird, cause I have this plus one ticket with your name on it.

—Haha. You got me!

—Feeling like going to a fancy party in Rome?

—A getaway trip to Italy? SIGN ME UP! —you happily reply, already thinking about what you will wear.

-

Rome

As the sun descended over the iconic Roman Colosseum, flashing cameras lit the red carpet at the ancient structure's entrance. 

Sleek Ferraris pull up, each more luxurious than the previous, dropping the celebrities and high-profile guests off to make their grand entrances, dressed in the most glamorous outfits and adorned in shining jewels. 

Amidst all that circus, you two stay on the sidelines, watching the spectacle unfold before quietly skipping the paparazzi and splitting apart to enter the temporarily built ballroom.

—Surprise! —you extend your arms to Leclerc; he is now fresh off the red carpet, the one you avoid to keep it as discreet as possible.

A prominent smile forms on the lips of the Monagesque. —We could have shared the flight here, you know! Instead of you flying here all by yourself —Charles rolls his eyes at you and then hugs you. —I really believed you when you said you didn't get invited. You got me!

"But I didn't fly by myself!" You want to correct him on that, but you don't.

Inside, the atmosphere is as opulent as outside. Red lights illuminate the ancient structure, and lavish decorations adorn every table set. Cirque du Soleil performers move gracefully through the crowds, dazzling costumes twirling and shimmering as they entertain the guests with their mesmerizing acts.

You take in all the sights and sounds of the extravagant gala surrounding you, where motorsport legends mingle with billionaires, entertainers, engineers, celebrities, and beautiful models. 

Laughter, loud music, and chatter fill the air, along with the clinking of champagne glasses.

-

After having a blast dancing around, chatting, and goofing an hour later, you go to look for Sam, knowing she must be somewhere around. 

But the place is enormous, the crowd is big, and no luck so far; she is nowhere to be seen.

You get tired of searching for her and go to the bathroom. By this point, you have had many drinks, "Damn, that waiting line is long!"

As you try to find something to entertain you while you wait, you start scanning the place with your eyes, observing every gorgeous detail, when the silhouette of a beautiful blond woman steals your attention. Four girls in front of you in the line, there is Susie.

She is as beautiful as you expected her to be in person but more petite; she looks fit and fierce but kind. You can't help but stare at her before wondering what she is doing here. Then a "Duh! Idiot! She is a big name in motorsports!" hits you.

-

As you return to your table from grabbing chocolate-covered strawberries a bit later, you run into Sam.

She stares at you with the widest eyes ever, completely surprised. —What? —she lets out, standing still.

—Surprise! —you reach to hug her. —I have been looking for you all damn night! —she barely hugs you, and your big smile starts to fade away. —Is all good? —you ask, concern while looking straight at her.

—I'm so sorry, Y/N. I genuinely am —she mumbles. Samanta's features are full of dismay.

—Sam, you are worrying me.

She gestures to you to turn around.

"Oh, there is that feeling you remember so well." 

That awful fucking feeling of getting your heart shattered. Like a bullet going through the flesh, a sting of pure pain as if your heart was glass and was getting crushed by a hammer, pure and profound pain as you watch Susie wrapped around Toto's neck with no inch of space in between them, standing by the Mercedes guest table, sharing soft kisses and pets. 

Yet you are so skilled at hiding your feelings that it requires an expert - like Sam - to figure you out.

With a neutral face, you faintly say: —I need a moment.

—Y/N... I will go with you...

—I need a moment, I... I need to get fresh air. I will be right back —you start walking in the opposite direction to them, and Sam follows your every step.

—Y/N. I'm here for you...

—I'll be back, Sam. I need a moment, please —you make her stop following you around. So she contains herself and watches you walk away, worried about you. 

Sam knows your mental health hangs from a fragile thread.

-

—I want a Tequila and tonic with three tequila shots in it, please —Samanta brusquely drops herself on her seat at the Mercedes guest table and asks the waiter for a heavy drink.

—That would be two, please. You have learned from the master herself. Where is she, tho? I spotted Y/N and was going to greet her, but I got distracted by a sexy lady asking for a selfie. Now I don't know where she went to —Lewis asks while looking around, trying to spot you among the crowds.

The music is loud, so conversing is challenging if you aren't near enough.

—She's outside chatting with Vettel —Charles inserts himself in the conversation between a pissed-off Sam and a clueless Lewis, arriving a bit rushed at the table and placing himself between their two chairs.

—Hi mate! —Lewis pats his arm, and half hugs him while still sitting. Charles rubs his shoulder in response.

—Hey, Sam. I made the changes you suggested to my speech. Do you approve? —Leclerc hands her a folded piece of paper; "She is out there crying" is written in big caps.

Sam and Charles exchange warry looks.

—It's perfect. I will help you practice it.

—Great idea, let's g...

A loud "ow" sound from the crowd interrupts them. A tray hits the floor loudly, followed by glasses breaking. It's all coming from far on their left. 

They all turn their heads toward the noise, as does almost everyone in the entire place.

—I'm so so sorry! Oh my god! I'm an idiot! Please forgive me! —a very distraught and nervous Vettel apologizes frantically to you. 

He accidentally crashed into the waiter holding a tray of wine glasses as he crossed paths with you, the ones that landed all over you, fucking up your dress, before smashing on the floor. 

Which made poetic sense since you felt wounded, and now you looked like it.

You could sense Toto's eyes burning into you. You weren't supposed to be there.

Lewis gets on his feet. —Jesus, poor Y/N —and he notices how Toto looks utterly shaken by seeing you here and looking whiter than a ghost, and at that moment, he gets it. Fuck.

—Seb, Seb, SEB! —you raise your voice as Vettel keeps apologizing and talking nonstop. —It's okay, sweetie. No worries; I will go change! It's all okay.

—I'm sorry. Please forgive me; let me escort you out. It's the least I can do.

—Okay. Fine —you finally agree, looking a bit done with Seb.

You two start walking to the exit, which is all the other way around for your fucking luck. As you depart, you can hear the people whispering and staring at you. 

A frozen Toto watches you walk past them, and you can't help it; for the briefest moment, you make eye contact with him before Vettel blocks the view.

—Sebastian Vettel, you are a good man —Sam whispers.

—What? —Charles reaches even closer to her.

—Y/N is not coming back. Seb was her exit out. 

—Was that on purpose?!!

—Yes. That's why you saw them talking out there, for sure.

—Are they that close? Since when? I had no fucking clue.

—Since Y/N set foot on the paddock —Sam replies, knowing the whole story. —She's an expert at hiding in plain sight.

—Should we check on her? —Lewis turns to them, still on his feet, looking tense.

—Y/N will be fine; she always is —Sam says aloud for the entire table to hear. She can feel Toto's eyes on her but doesn't care to look back at him.

-

Vettel takes you inside a black-tinted Suburban. As the chauffeur speeds away from the Colosseum, he holds your hand and never lets it go.

Seb asks you to stay at his place so he can care for you and keep you company, and you agree.

You two cuddle in the back seat while you cry in his arms all the ride to his place. 

It's a long one.

You don't know if it's because your heart is shattering into a million pieces, or because you feel vulnerable right now, or just cause Seb is such a kind and precious being that you pour all out. 

You let him know everything, every single fucking detail about your fling with Torger and how you feel right now. You had never been so forthcoming with anyone about this, not even Sam.

—I'm so sorry about how the night turned out; I invited you as my plus-one with the idea of having the best time. I wish I had known all of this before! Finding it out this way, gosh, that's harsh —Seb tells you, with a mixture of mortification and sadness.

—You aren't the one who should apologize! Hey, at least we had a good time on the flight here. Thanks to you, now I want to build hundreds of hotels for the bees.

He smiles brightly before adding: —Right now, you need to rest and feel, let it all out of your system, and tomorrow start new! I'm here for you.

—Thanking for acting out that exit; you deserve an Oscar.

—I have been mistaken for Brad Pitt before, you know —he jokes to try to make you smile, but it's in vain. —You are a good actress, too.

-

You crash on his couch. Barely making it inside, collapsing as soon as you cross the entrance door, feeling drained.

You have experienced the "heart broke syndrome" before and know how it goes, so you needed to lie down ASAP.

-

After God knows how many minutes since you blacked out on the sofa, you hear a noise above you. You slightly and a bit unwillingly open your eyes to see Seb covering you with a remarkably soft blanket that feels so delicious. He drops a puffy pillow on the rug beside you and lays himself down there next to the couch.

You move to face him as he gets comfy there on the floor. —What are you doing?

—Oh, shit, did I wake you up? I'm staying here if you don't mind —he looks at you with apprehension in those stunning eyes.

—You are the sweetest —you tell him as you slowly drift off, exhausted.

As you fall asleep again, you understand now why Lewis dared risk it all for Seb and start wondering what happened to those two.

-

You wake up disoriented and feeling anxious. 

It's still dark. 

Seb is profoundly asleep and relaxed in the blueish-tinted living room, with the moonlight sneaking through the large windows. 

You stay there, unable to sleep but with zero energy to move. You observe his breathing, which weirdly helps you soothe yourself when suddenly, your phone screen lights up, stealing your gaze.

You try to reach for it since Seb placed your purse and phone on the coffee table at arm's distance before going to look for an oversized T-shirt that could work you as pajamas. 

It's a simple text from Toto. "Can I please talk to you?"

As you navigate your phone, you notice many missed calls from Sam, Charles, and Lewis.

Well, now it's clear communication and sincerity weren't your thing. You weren't one of those couples. 

Were you even a couple?

"Maybe it's best this way," is all you reply to him before turning your phone off.

Tears start coming down again as your phone screen dims and fades to black again.

-

The following day, Seb offers you to stay for as long as you wish, and you will take his word for it.

You don't feel like returning to the city you share with Toto; it's way too risky for you to be in Monaco. 

You need time to compose yourself. A lot is about to happen soon, and you need to be at your best. You can't fail. To be continued... < Previous chapter | Masterlist | Next chapter >

[drconstellation]

A Tale of Two Peacocks

The Relationship Between Gabriel and Michael

Some weeks ago I said I would take on the challenge of looking at the relationship between Gabriel and Michael, then I got sidetracked writing something else* - which is not always a bad thing. But I want to return to this because its too good not to do a post on it, and before I get too deeply involved in the other writing.

This is definitely going to involve some NSWF language - hey, I can't help this, its in the script - so the bulk of this is going to be below the cut. But the short of it is, they have a fairly low opinion of each other.

We need to go back to S1, where there is an interesting set of parallel scenes we should start our discussion with that spells it out for us. The first one is in S1xE2, and the other is actually in one of the deleted scenes from the cold opening of S1xE3, and they both use parallel characters to inform us of what Gabriel and Michael think of each other.

It turns out I've already talked about the first one, in this meta here, where I discuss how Newt is a parallel for Crowley.

Then [Frobisher] power-walks past. Newt is not even worth her time stopping for. "Need a hand, Dick?" *Snort* - and ouch. That's a below-the belt joke. She's just called him a wanker. In the US you might use the term jerk instead. Someone who's a bit egotistical and more in it for themselves than others. (and I never thought I'd be fact-checking the meaning of this word ever, but there's always a first time...) She's basically just equated him Gabriel, in my book (and in more ways than one.)

And I wrote all that months before I started writing my Crowley-Gabriel parallel/foil series, too.

The other thing about this first parallel scene is the character of Frobisher, who is dressed very much like a demon, but is actually the parallel character to Michael, as we see later on in the paintball fight at Tadfield Manor.

(Er, I know this is all a bit 2nd/3rd hand evidence, but the second scene is a bit more direct, so bear with me.)

The second one, in S2xE3, is the deleted bookshop opening scene.

Source: Script for the unaired scene of Aziraphale opening his bookshop in 1800

Oh, look at that. Somebody is being called a wanker. Again. This time it's Crowley calling Michael a wanker, however, and its only one step to the side with Crowley being a parallel character to Gabriel (and I challenge you to watch s1 again in this light after finishing this post, and see how many similarities you can see between Crowley and Gabriel showing through even back then.)

OK. So we've established that Gabriel and Michael both think each other are wankers at this point, but what else can we find out about them?

Peacock Fighting

I've written a couple of posts about peacock symbolism. Firstly, Michael is strongly associated with having many eyes - their Ophanim ring, their costume has eye motifs, and they are essentially head of surveillance for Heaven. So this made me think they might be the peacock referred to in the Job minisode.

But later, after more research, it became apparent the lines paraphrased in Job were definitely referring to Gabriel. (See also Judgement Day.) There are associations with both royalty and vanity there.

They are both peacocks, but for different reasons.

And they are also both in competition with one another.

Gabriel Doesn't Have A Desk

Desks are a symbol of power in western society.

The bigger, and more solid the desk in a corporate office, the higher up the person is.

The teacher at the front of the room, the authority in the room, has a bigger desk than the students.

Those desks offer protection to the person in authority sitting behind them. They mark a separation between that said authority and the masses they command on the other side. Only the most trusted get to come around to the same side that they are sitting on to be more intimate with them.

At work, your desk is connected to your identity there. Its your place in the organization. You may even individualize it with decorations.

Just take a look at what Newt was bringing on his first day to work in S1xE2:

Pens, a pen holder, notepads, a ball of rubber bands, a plant (a bromeliad, a plant that does well in fully shaded damp environments, just like Hell) and some rations. Er, I mean lunch. Given to him by God Frances his mother.

The travesty of the modern trend of "hot desking" is de-personalizing the employee. They are no longer a valued employee with a valued place, they're just another faceless cog in the grind.

We see Michael behind a desk as Duty Officer in S2. It's starkly clean and sharp and made of glass, as we would expect to find in Heaven. It's used a shield and badge of office when we see them fulfilling that role.

Michael doubts Gabriel has a desk, although Gabriel insists he does, even though we have never seen it. Yet he still requires the proverbial archive box for moving locations?

I'm just going to leave the parallel between Newt and Gabriel there for further discussion. Please do remember the bottom falls out of Newt's box in the car park, leaving him with an empty box, too.

(Muriel has a glass desk, too, but interestingly they don't have a chair. You might like to compare their encounter with Aziraphale in the Job minisode to the escapade with Crowley in the present day. There is volumes said without words.)

Just while we are on the subject of desks, thought you might like to compare Crowley's and Aziraphale's desks as well. They are always on about how much paperwork they have to do!

Sovereign versus Disciplinary Power

This is eventually going to turn into a discussion about fate versus free will at some point, but I do need to talk about the different types of power first, because I haven't done my long promised Power and Authority meta yet. The two concepts are closely related, and Gabriel and Michael are each acting as foils for a side of the concepts.

Gabriel represents sovereign power, the supreme legitimate power of the state. Power and action trickles down from the top, and punishment is almost a show of entertainment, but one designed to educate. "Oh, those angels Fell - if I do something bad, I might Fall, too!" And so Gabriel expects to Fall when he is given his trial, and Aziraphale when he lies to save Job's children.

Michael is representing disciplinary power, something that lies at the heart of society today. This is where power is spread among individuals, and individuals are more likely to do their own discipline merely because of an overhanging threat of a possibility they may get caught if they do.** Are they being watched? Who might see and report their transgression? Michael has eyes (and ducks) everywhere... So does Orwell's book 1984.

This is a very simplistic view, of course - reality is more complex than that, and is usually a combination of the two, but we have to start somewhere.

Now lets throw the fate vs free will components into the mix. Let us revisit the story of King Cnut and the tide.

The story, if you are not familiar with it, is that Cnut had his throne set on the beach and commanded the incoming tide to halt where it was, and not to wet his robes or feet. Of course, the tide kept rising and splashed the king, where he leapt up and declared his might and power as a king worthless compared to that of God. The story is meant to demonstrate his piety before Heaven, and that he was not the ultimate controller of all things - his sovereign power was limited.

They say time and tide*** wait for no man - we are at the mercy of what ever fate they bring us, and we can't manipulate that. That's decided by the supreme power, the ultimate sovereign power, so to speak.

Gabriel tends to take this line - he does not have control over the summoning of the Four Horsepeople, they are just happening as they supposed to, and that's not his department. Plausible deniability, baby! Back channels? What back channels, Michael?

So if you did want to have some power over it, some free will to control outcomes? But hang on - every one else has free will as well. Sounds a bit chaotic. Who's in charge? Nobody. Everybody. Welcome to Michael's world. They want the power, they're prepared to fight for it, for what they think is right - but so is everyone else.

But what if you were the creator of free will itself? Would you be The One to have control over time and the tides?

Tadfield Manor, Again

Michael is the archangel who throws Lucifer down from Heaven, and we see this play out at Tadfield Manor during the paintball fight, when we are shown that it is actually Frobisher/Michael who shoots the shot that hits Norman/Lucifer in the heart - although we are initially made to think its Nigel/Gabriel who did it. (One day I will teach my self how to make GIFs and make a GIF of this.)

Frobisher is the more competitive one at all times - she is the only other employee besides the naive Newt to put their hand up when Nigel asks who is looking forward to the Training Initiative and she asks Crowley and Aziraphale "Who's winning?" as she runs past them inside - to which Crowley presciently declares "You're all going to lose."

If you look at the extended scene in light of the above, you can see sovereign authority of senior manager Nigel/Gabriel is still floating around as a rather toothless tiger to the whims of fate, while everyone else is exercising their free will and disciplinary powers to try and control one another. And, as Crowley says, nobody wins. It's a lose-lose situation.

Michael is competing for an empty dream.

Gabriel is trying his best to survive something that is not what it seems.

And...I think I'll leave it there. Thanks for reading.

*I've started writing a multi-chapter human AU fanfic. But I'm a slow writer, and I'm not writing it in a linear fashion - because it has to be stuffed full of meta, of course - so I decided I better pull myself out of it before I got pulled in too far and finish a couple of things off so you didn't think I'd disappeared completely. I wasn't planning on doing one, but you know how these things go - one day an idea just pops into your head, the next thing the characters are talking to you and taking on their own life and a couple of thousand words later...

**There was a post about the oculus, (found it! thanks to gallup24) the round skylight window in the roof of the bookshop and the Panopticon, an infamous prison design where the prisoners can all see each other but can't see if the guard is watching them, but of course I've lost track of it, haven't I.

***The tides are controlled by the Moon and Sun, and ostensibly for this argument, by Heaven as well. They are fated to continue in their set orbit and/or path through the sky - or the Earth on it's orbit around the Sun, is probably the better way of looking at it.

[imitationgame77]

ART and Human Adolescents

~ Reason Why ART Befriended Murderbot in AC ~

A sort of theory...

In Network Effect, Murderbot notes several times that ART likes adolescent humans. For instance,

I'd noted that ART's tone when it spoke to Amena was completely different than it was to the other humans. [...] Whatever else ART was, the classroom space and bunk-rooms said it was actually, on a regular basis, a teaching vessel. And before this when I was stupid and we were still friends it had talked about human adolescents in an indulgent way.

[Network Effect, Chapter 9]

Murderbot uses ART's soft spot for adolescents to its advantage!

And then, a couple of chapters later,

Amena still had questions. "Then why did you do it? You didn't - you don't care about me. You didn't really even know me then."

Why does ART like adolescent humans? This was exhausting.

[...]

ART must be recovering because it had to butt in with, Tell her you care about her. Use those words, don't tell her you'll eviscerate anything that tries to hurt her.

[Network Effect, Chapter 10]

ART does show protectiveness towards Amena's feelings, and urges MB to do the same.

ART also shows indulgence towards young people, who probably have left adolescent recently. In Artificial Condition, Murderbot's young client Tapan gets herself into a dangerous situation (again), then in a relatively safe environment of a hotel accommodation, inadvertently upsets MB with personal questions. ART helps MB calm down by playing its comfort media's soundtrack, then

In my feed, ART turned down the soundtrack to say, Young humans can be impulsive. The trick is keeping them around long enough to become old humans. This is what my crew tells me and my own observations seem to confirm it.

[Artificial Condition, Chapter 7]

An American psychoanalyst Erik Erikson has developed a theory of personality development which consists of 8 stages from infancy to old age. Each stage has a central theme with basic conflict. Successful resolution of conflicts at each stage results in development of healthy personality and acquisition of virtues.

Adolescence (12-18 years) is defined by its conflict of Identity vs. Role Confusion. Adolescents search for a sense of self and personal identity, through exploring values, goals, interests, and so on. If they are not given enough support and/or restricted in their exploration, they are left with role confusion - struggle to identify their purpose in life, not knowing who they are and what they want. Social relationships are also important in finding their roles in society. Successful resolution of this stage will lead to the virtue of fidelity that involves being able to commit one's self to others on the basis of accepting others even with differences.

The next stage is Early Adulthood (19-29 years), whose basic conflict is Intimacy vs. Isolation. This is when people learn to establish intimacy and relationships with others. If an individual can successfully form intimate, reciprocal relationships with others, love is the virtue to be gained. But, unsuccessful resolution in earlier stages can cause failure in this stage, resulting in isolation. Isolation can be the result of unresolved identity crises, fear of rejection, etc.

This stage thoery was developed in the 1950s. Since then, societies have changed somewhat and many young people can afford to be in "not a child, but not quite grown-up yet" stage for longer.

Presumably, machine intelligences, however sophisticated like ART, do not need to be influenced by physiological changes associated with hormones. Humans are largely influenced by nature part of nature/nurture, but for AIs, nurture (experience) is a lot more significant in forming their personalities. Having been "brought up" in loving human family environment with Iris as its "sibling", ART has developed very good understandings of human development as well as enormous tolerance. Having been interacting with many, many university students (presumably still 18-22 ish), it knows how important adolescent is to their later development in their characters.

One of the fundamental reasons why ART immediately took to Murderbot, in my view, is that it recognised adolescence in it. Whatever its human-equivalent chronological age was when they met, MB had only been governor-module-free for 4 years or so, and its experience of interacting with real people autonomously was very limited. MB was smart and competent in its functions, but also extremely vulnerable and awkward. It fits the definition of adolescence of not knowing its new role (not an appliance anymore)in the world.

So, ART's initial interaction with MB and protectiveness it exhibited were largely because ART was basically kind to vulnerable young people and MB was one. (Their 'relationship' evolves rapidly, but it is getting too long, so I stop. For now.)

----

Addendum

ART was not exactly gentle to Three which had had less-than-1-cycle of experience at being autonomous. It was more like a colt than a human adolescent. Must have been stress and anxiety talking.

Does an advanced AI have an equivalent of adolescence?? (probably mild, being hormone-free)

[daydream-cement]

hihi, is it possible for me to ask for gwens characters with a curvy/chubby s/o ?

Thank you x

Gwen’s Characters with a Plus-Sized SO

Authors Note: As a plus size gal, YOU BET YOUR BOOTS I WILL WRITE THIS!!! Phasma and Brienne are written by @bri-sonat!!

Larissa Weems

This woman loves herself a plus-sized woman.

She profoundly appreciates a little extra to love and squeeze. 

After a long day at work, Larissa loves laying between their legs with her head on their tummy. 

She will ALWAYS have a hand on her SO’s thigh in the car.

She can’t cook for shit but she always has sweets that she will offer with the brightest smile.

Larissa becomes deeply invested in plus size fashion and finding them the best clothes to match her partner’s aesthetic.

She loves their hugs too as they always feel so warm and comforting. 

In self-conscious moments for her partner, Larissa is always ready to lend a listening ear. This is always followed up by her partner being smothered in love for Rissa to share how much she loves every inch of her partner.

Miranda Hilmarson

She LOVES having her plus-size SO lying on top of her as they watch a movie. 

Expect absentminded booty rubs as she watches the movie too.

Miranda and her SO always have the best snacks at all times

Days on the beach where she and her partner lay under an umbrella with Miranda’s head resting on their thigh

They can always expect Mir to nip and bite at their thighs when she has the opportunity 

Miranda is a physical touch girlie so just expect wandering (and squeezing) hands at all times

Miranda is The Obsessive Loving Girlfriend™️ so her partner can expect her to be bragging about how beautiful they are all the time (no matter how often Robin tells her she knows already because “you have already told me a million times, Hilmarson”)

Brienne of Tarth

Are you kidding me? This woman loves thighs and boobs. She adores laying down next to her significant other after a long day and just keeping one of her hands on their thigh.

Considering she herself has been judged and ridiculed because of her appearance and body, she is quick to defend her partner against insults and comments.

Because of the previous - she also understands what it is like to not fit into society’s norms and what it is like to be stared at so she is incredibly empathetic on the rougher days.

During the colder nights after she has returned from patrol or her duties, she loves laying down next to her partner and feeling them snuggle up next to her, one arm and one leg draped over her.

The thick thighs also serve as a very comfortable pillow after intimate times… or during. Either way, Brienne loves feeling them next to her head as she services her partner.

When her partner is feeling insecure - she is quick to lend an ear and is more happy to do so. After a heartfelt talk, she kisses the back of their hand and then presses a kiss to their lips before offering to take them for a small walk. On that walk, she gifts her significant other picked wildflowers with a comment on how the flowers are equally as pretty and breathtaking as her partner.

Captain Phasma

Phasma does not care what the person’s body looks like. She may be an asshole, but she’s not fatphobic.

A big butt means more surface to slap and make red and she likes that very much. 

Her significant other can expect Phasma’s hand on their ass during all their alone time because she will have her hand glued to it. Squeezing, caressing, slapping.

During intimate times she is also known to bite and kiss it.

The woman loves ass.

People are too scared to make comments on her partner’s body considering they’d face her wrath if they did.

She is also known to knead her partner’s breasts whenever they change or whenever they sit in front of her. 

If her significant other is changing, she will walk up to her partner and grab both the boobs in her hands and squeeze them once or twice before planting a kiss on each of them. 

If her partner is sitting in front of her, she is known to scooch closer and wrap her hands around her significant other’s waist and slide her hands inside their shirt and up to grab a handful of boobs. She loves it.

She also loves thighs. She loves sucking and biting them. She loves slapping them. She just loves thighs and the more thigh, the merrier. Same with ass and tits.

Lucifer Morningstar

This being’s mantra is ‘All Bodies Are Beautiful Bodies’

Don’t ask them to pick a favorite body part because they won’t be able to

They call their SO their ‘sweet cherub’ and they say it with the SOFTEST expression.

Will always pull their partner into their lap as they sit on their throne to coo and fawn over them

Luci always has a way of making their SO feel small and delicate 

Death to those who refuse to appreciate their partner’s beauty 

They have a very intentional and serious way of admiring their partner’s body

They have been accustomed to the harsh roughness of Hell so the sweet softness of their partner’s body is something they are quite infatuated with

Jane Murdstone

As being plus size isn’t necessarily accepted in her time, Jane is quick to shut down any gossip surrounding her partner’s size

She frequently writes poetry about the luscious beauty of her partner’s body

Jane appreciates thick thighs when giving head (we all know giving head is Jane’s #1 hobby).

Jane is the definition of a soft, obsessive sapphic poet so she will need to worship her partner’s body at LEAST twice a week.

She is delighted by her partner’s soft warm body during those chilly winter nights

She is always quick to compare her plus size SO after her favorite fruits: ‘soft peach’ or ‘little plum’.

[wellwhatnowlove]

“He looks down at his feet, searching for words. When he finds them, he looks up at me with the raw emotion of his father, but without the anger or the pain. “Mother, your inheritance was guilt. Father’s was surrender. Because of you, because of Father, mine is struggle. That is better than guilt. It is better than surrender. I do not blame you. I thank you. You never pretended the world wasn’t broken, even when a broken world favored you.”

Light Bringer, pg.144

I GOT TO THINKIN TODAY ABOUT WHAT PAX SAID ABOUT HIS PARENTS’ INHERITANCE AND I HAD A REVELATION. okay sorry VERY LONG WINDED ESSAY BELOW. (Light Bringer spoilers too)

If Darrow’s inheritance has always been surrender and Virginia’s has always been guilt, then Light Bringer is a study in how they’ve swapped those burdens, and both grew immensely because of it. Virginia is forced to face the reality of surrender to keep Mars from falling. She must learn to sacrifice lives on an unimaginable scale. She literally has to surrender Phobos in order to hold Mars and save lives from a bloody battle over pride. She routinely seeks out the injured and dying to confront those she sacrifices. It’s heart breaking and hard to read at times, but not once did she not feel like the character we grew to love. She stays true to herself while mentioning multiple times that she now understands Darrow’s plight more than ever from the last decade.

Then on the flip side, Darrow is forced to reckon with his insurmountable guilt when he is put on trial before the daughters in the rim to answer for betraying them in order to secure a victory for the core rising/republic. He talks about how that guilt put a wedge between him and his family. That guilt made him feel unworthy of love, and, therefore, unable to properly express his love to those he would give everything for. This mirrors Virginia’s past struggle with one particularly potent example being her inability to believe that Darrow could love her after he reveals his true identity as a red in the tunnel under Lykos at the end of Golden Son. She says

“They are my family!” she shouts, face collapsing into grief. “My father hanged your wife. He hanged her. How can you even look at me?”

I think it’s this guilt (and probably some feelings of utter betrayal, panic, and overwhelm) that led her to leave Darrow in that tunnel and indirectly led him into the Jackal’s trap. Which I’m sure she also feels immense guilt for. But I think a large part of her journey off page and into morning star is her coming to terms with that guilt. In confronting it she learns to be vulnerable with Darrow again and comes to accept that he loves her despite the insane complexity of their history. This culminating with her leaning into her understanding of her part in the society and realizing that it puts her in a place to make a true change. All of this accomplished with an education in immense humility, flexibility, and compromise. Which is the lesson Darrow grapples with and I think truly leans into throughout this book. In a way, he is forced to reckon with how his guilt drove him away from Virginia and Pax and even veered him away from Eo’s dream.

I think on a character based level, this will exponentially strengthen their relationship when (please please Pierce) they finally reunite, and will make them a more formidable pair than even before. They now understand each others struggles in such intimate ways that idk if anyone can stop these two.

Then, on a larger plot based level it speaks to the larger themes of resilience, understanding and the fight for humanity. Virginia finds strength in surrender and Darrow finds redemption in humility and compromise. 

Then, add in some struggle, grit and pixie dust (and a cool head tattoo I guess. WE SEE YOU OVER THERE PAX AKA ADEPT AUGUSTUS. HELL YEAH KEEP IT UP BABY WOO) and the rising might just have a true shot. Not only at victory, but at redemption and continued effort in the name of what is just and good.

[authoralexharvey]

INTERVIEW WITH A WRITEBLR — @sleepyowlwrites

Who You Are:

M.J || She/her

I'm a relentlessly optimistic affectionate creative who will impart love to the world through whatever means possible, and this includes my writing. And it shows, because all my kids are either full of love or in desperate need of it.

What You Write:

What genres do you write in? What age ranges do you write for?

Action, Adventure, Contemporary, Fanfic, Fantasy, Poetry. Young and New Adult.

What genre would you write in for the rest of your life, if you could? What about that genre appeals to you?

Fantasy, it's always been fantasy. Even my contemporary pieces have trace elements of fantasy in them. I like having rules in my worlds, but ones that I made up instead of science or society.

What genre/s will you not write unless you HAVE to? What about that genre turns you off?

Romance. I sometimes think about trying it, but I quickly turn away. There's nothing about romance that is fulfilling in a way that I couldn't find elsewhere. It's just not enough for me. I want everything else, everything in the wider love spectrum, all the kinds I personally treasure in my own life.

Who is your target audience? Do you think anyone outside of that would get anything out of your works?

Anybody, but especially people who have emotions that refuse to be processed. I'm hoping to help them process those emotions through the lens of character. If a reader isn't ready for striking combinations of whimsy and weight, or unexpected feelings, then they might not jive with my stories.

What kind of themes do you tend to focus on? What kinds of tropes? What about them appeals to you?

Mental illness, friendship, hurt/comfort, the mortifying ordeal of being known, purpose, trauma, personal choices, siblings, raw depths of emotions, and shenanigans. One of these is not like the other. I like to put relatable qualities in fantastical realms and make it intimate. I want you to indulge, and I want you to think.

What themes or tropes can you not stand? What about them turn you off?

Romanticized abuse or toxic relationships, romanticized mental illness or disabilities, fake redemption arcs, poorly realized characters or cheap twists, and sex. I'm entirely uninterested in sex. There are too many things I dislike to think of them now that I've been asked, but they're just preference. Don't backtrack on character growth for the sake of drama, please.

What are you currently working on? How long have you been working on it?

That's a trick question. I work on multiple projects at once because that's what my brain prefers. My longest wip is 10 months old and my oldest is almost 7 years.

Why do you write? What keeps you writing?

I've always talked my thoughts aloud to make them make sense - my adhd doesn't think in sentences, so it can get very jumbled in my brain - and stories are an additional way of explaining the world or people to myself, or explaining myself to other people, or of explaining nothing but exploring the unnamed. I write because I feel these things anyway. Might as well share them.

How long have you been writing? What do you think first drew you to it?

Since I was 9, so 20 years ago. The same reason as above, and also my mom said I was talented. I was decidedly untalented in various other areas, so I jumped on that talent and went for it. I do still think I'm talented but I'm a good writer because I kept at it. I have the skills now to back up the talent. It’s very gratifying.

Where do you get your inspiration from? Is that how you got your inspiration for your current project? If not, where did the inspiration come from?

Anywhere, and I really mean it. I can't tell you how many times I've been sitting at a stoplight, or cleaning, or watch Chicago Med with my mom bemoaning the horrible writing and poof! Idea. It just comes to me. Little bit gift, little bit curse, really.

What work of yours are you most proud of? Why?

Hard to say. Everything. The ones that barely exist and the ones that don't make sense anymore. The poetry from 2010 that is simply terrible. The ones from 2020 that are full of grief. The stories that change form but won't leave me alone. The ones I just invented. I'm proud of of it for impacting me, the audience I write for first.

Have you published anything? Do you want to?

No. Yes? It's not the only end goal like when I was 14. It's an idea I like to entertain. I'm currently happy just to be writing along with work.

What part of the publishing process most appeals to you? What part least appeals to you?

I'd like to self-publish first, and that means learning and doing new things, which I hate. I'm 29 and I still hate it. The upside would be more control, the downside would be more control.

What part of the writing process most appeals to you? What part is least appealing?

Least appealing is finishing. Most appealing is starting and middling. I'm also afraid of worldbuilding because it tends to squash my writing drive for some reason? I'm working on it.

Do you have a writing process? Do you have an ideal setup? Do you write in pure chaos? Talk about your process a bit.

It's pure chaos. I rubber duck until sentences settle like dew in the morning, and then I sometimes collect it to make tea, and sometimes I just watch it evaporate. Both activities are important. I write until I find a plot, and if I cannot find one, I will let the tea sit and grow mold. Sometimes I have to throw it out. Sometimes I recycle, plant flowers, and grow new stories. It's chaos. I love it.

Your Thoughts on Writeblr:

How long have you been a writeblr? What inspired you to join the community?

2018 - I converted from a kpop blog - I wanted to get back into writing original fiction again, and I wanted my writeblr to be my main. So. I did that.

Shout out some of your favorite writeblrs. How did you find them and what made you want to follow them?

How. Am I supposed to pick. Some? I found everybody from following a few people and seeing who they followed. I usually follow on a whim, and then make friends after. @zmwrites, @akindofmagictoo, @blind-the-winds, @oh-no-another-idea, @ink-fireplace-coffee, @avrablake, @chayscribbles, @mel-writes-with-her-dragons, @artbyeloquent, @writing-is-a-martial-art, @ashen-crest, I have at least 80 more people I could mention

What is your favorite part about writeblr?

Making friends and adopting each other's blorbos! And reading some truly excellent stories, obviously.

What do you think writeblr could improve on? How do you think we can go about doing so?

Initiate interaction. If you want asks, send some, if you want tags, tag people, if you want readers, read stuff. There's no guarantee of reciprocity - I'm often too tired to respond enthusiastically even when I'm happy to see a post - but the more we engage, the more we are engaging. Wow, I'm a writer.

How do you contribute to the writeblr community? Do you think you could be doing more?

I try to send asks whenever I see people asking, I post prompts lists and invent tags. I start conversations and make friends that way. I could be doing more, but it’s a balance between doing more and not breaking my boundaries. I talk to people all day at work and expend social energy. As an introvert, I have to not overreach or I get anxiety and burnout. Life's a balancing act, and writeblr is no exception.

What kinds of posts do you most like to interact with?

Tag games? It liberally depends on the day. I struggle the most with reblogging others' writing. But I'm getting better!

What kind of posts do you most like to make?

Writing memes or relatability, or new tag games.

Finally, anywhere else online we may be able to find you?

Not anywhere that I use frequently.

[anonymocha]

[ LONG AHH POST ]

Proud to announce that the first revision of the half-serious full-insane Kaalaa Baunaa Wall is done… I haven’t seen an intensive Kaalaa Baunaa character analysis so I decided that I will do it myself. But feel free to correct me on stuff since, again, it’s half-serious and full-insane.

PDF:

Text version of the important stuff I wrote in case you don’t wanna zoom in or open the PDF under the cut. I won’t be pasting the event story takeaways because they are very long and full of unhinged Mocha jumpscares.

Personality

The following points are derived from here:

Methodical and steady in her approach to tasks.

Known for her soothing presence and being reliable in accomplishing tasks. Very punctual.

Has a contemplative nature, often preferring solitude and observation.

Friendly but rarely intimate.

Maintains a practical outlook, prioritizing efficiency over aesthetics.

Demonstrates a sense of conservationism, as seen in her choice to mend her glasses rather than replacing them.

Character Story Takeaways

Grew up with an astrological background but chose not to believe in its prophetic accuracy. “To hell with it!”

Kaalaa Baunaa was an abandoned child. She was found by Vaquini. her foster parent.

She often engages in misbehavior and fights as a kid. Vaquini would defend her.

She refused her destiny prescribed by her astrolabe, and doodled over it.

She emphasizes the importance of understanding the underlying causes behind events rather than accepting them at face value (or just seeing it as fate).

Voiceline Takeaways

She thinks that people focus too much on linear time and notes its subjective(?) nature. But she has a good perception of time herself.

Prefers Indian food.

Enjoys observing the night sky. She feels connected to it. Human society is complex, ever-changing, and influences her identity in ways she isn’t content about. But the constant nature of the night sky comforts her.

Is humble about her martial arts capabilities. This girl can hit……..

Delulu Corner

Interpretations + Summary of Takeaways

Keeps a steady and level-headed front despite often being anxious and full of doubt towards herself. It pours out when things get truly rough, with dismay and desperation.

Tends to overwork herself and struggles with self-care. She has the incentive to wind down but the guilt would take over her and lock her back into her lab. It is even implied to manifest as an illusory monster that stalks her down.

She held considerably little value towards aesthetics or cleanliness, prioritizing practicality above all. She easily brushed off rat feces in her lab this woman won the idgaf war. She cares more about research routines than things like that, or even more, rules imposed to her.

She may be enabling Kumar... She knows when Kumar is wrong or when Kumar is trying to mess with her but she doesn't necessarily call her out on it. Yes she is very observant towards stuff related to research and the arcane, but can be fooled/lead on otherwise. She may know it but she won't voice it.

She talks and contemplates to herself a lot. Probably a pace-around-the-room-lost-in-thought enjoyer.

Based on her past, she has a tendency to be rebellious and turn her back on certain systems despite being dependent on one herself

For some time, she is quite dependent on Kumar's presence and guidance. She puts a lot of trust in Kumar despite the many questionable things she did to her and the people around her.

(My Insanity) Her tendency to conserve, paired by her predisposition to methodical routines makes it difficult for her to move on from Kumar. And she struggles to properly open up about it or confront it. Kumar left her mark in her way of doing things. The constant nature of her approaches in work/life makes the echoes of Kumar also constant. She would love to break free from the cycle of remembering Kumar by doing things differently, or taking a long deserved break from work... But at the same time, she feels like throwing herself off this 'orbit' is unreasonable, unproductive, and unbecoming of her. So it Rots.

She probably keeps Kumar's glasses, Kumar's bullet, what else? :))

[incorrecttowerofgodquotes]

How Season 3 Upped Tower of God’s Queer Undertones; or why Khun is definitely gay

KhunBam shipping is wide spread in the fandom. The amount of shipping ramped up due to the release of the anime, but it’s always been a long standing and popular ship, even compared to half-canon Bam pairings like Endorsi, Yuri, and Ehwa.

First off, is the direct connection of Bam and Khun’s relationship to Roen and Daniel’s, and Dowon and Cha’s, both canonically romantic ships. And looking at the three relationships, there’s a common theme of one side losing the other.

Daniel lost Roen due to White, and spent the next 600 hundred years searching for ways to bring her back. Cha lost Dowon when she was sealed away inside the wall, and Cha went on a rampage against Jahad’s forces before being sealed himself. Meanwhile, both Khun and Bam have experienced the same loss.

After believing Bam died on the Floor of Tests, Khun sought revenge for 7 whole years despite only knowing Bam for a few months. And when Khun enters a coma, Bam is so enraged that he immediately cuts off and threatens Rachel, who he had previously been decently cordial to. Bam also ends up changing his appearance in a way that is reminiscent of Khun’s.

During Season 3, a lot of focus is placed Khun’s relationship with Bam. Multiple characters call him out for being overprotective of him, and Khun’s very first words when waking up from his two-year coma were “Where am I? Where’s Bam?”

During the Wall of Peaceful of Coexistence, Khun and Bam end up exchanging some dialogue that could be taken as flirting when facing down a Ranker. (Which Rak directly calls out at flirting in the original Korean text)

Khun even winks to Bam in a playful manner, which wouldn’t mean much of anything if it was Endorsi or Yuri, but considering’s Khun’s personality, it’s pretty weird that he did so.

There’s also the very infamous hug scene between the two. Of course, since I’m not a straight man, I don’t have complete authority over whether this is a normal hug or not. (If anything I think men should be more intimate and open with each other than society says they should.) However the panel composition focuses on Khun tenderly patting his head while Bam somewhat snuggles into his chest. The scene feels very intimate, like the two are separated in their own world. It’s only after we get the scene break with White looking on (and licking his lips) that the viewer remembers that the two are in the middle of what was just a battlefield seconds ago.

However, this is where we’ll have to get to the darker parts of this relationship. Strictly speaking, Khun’s over dependence on Bam.

We got hints of this in Season 2, specifically in the conversation between Khun and Evan on the Hell Train. Khun states that Bam is his reason for continuing on. This connects to his talk with Rak in Season 1 where he stated that the reason why he’s going up the tower is in order to find his purpose, which he then receives from Bam’s reliance on him to help Rachel go up the tower.

Khun strikes me as a codependent person even though he tries to hide it. Bam is so important to him that he’ll intentionally put himself in harms way or follow Bam’s orders even if he doesn’t agree. While this was okay in the first two seasons, Khun’s obsession has started to taint the relationship. He directly helped White gain his power back without talking to Bam about it and lied about Arkraptor and Prince’s fates in order to keep Bam moving (but then again we don’t know what Wangnan said to him so he might have just gotten the wrong info.)

These actions seem to stem from Khun’s anxieties that Bam will eventually leave him one day. He even states he feels guilty leaving Bam alone for the two years he was in a coma despite the fact that the entire situation wasn’t his fault. While Khun shared some of these thoughts with Bam on the Hell Train, he hasn’t actually talked about it with Bam, leading to buildup of these feelings on inadequacy. It’s only a matter of time before he eventually fucks up majorly.

In a way, Khun and Bam’s relationship sorta mirrors Yasratcha and Wangwang’s. Both Wangwang and Bam have a special power and the ability to stand against the abusive powers that reign over them. Meanwhile Khun and Yasratcha just want to live a normal life with their loved one and will do anything to keep it that way.

Hopefully Khun will receive a wake up call before things get too bad, and he and Bam can have a proper conversation about each other’s wants and needs.

As of right now, Season 3 has ended with the two separated and dealing with different, but also similar, issues. Bam is being forced to marry a woman without either of their consent by Traumerei, who seeks to add him to his collection. Khun is being kept as a pet “cat” by Bellerir because of his looks, with specific mention of selling him out to rich men and women.

There’s a clear link between Bam and Khun’s situations, explicitly in a way that takes away their autonomy for a “romantic” purpose. I expect the two’s storylines to follow a similar path before eventually converging. And if SIU does want to make KhunBam canon, then the end of that arc would be the perfect place to do it (or even just have them realize their feelings I’m not asking for much.)

Also separate thing but Season 3’s overarching theme seems to be about abused groups fighting back against their oppressors, which is pretty gay.

Now for the non-KhunBam gay:

Yasratcha’s entire story is about the ultimate destruction of his relationship with Wangwang, leaving him bitter and spiteful due to his crush’s death but also attempting to protect his son’s. Yasratcha and Wangwang’s meeting as regulars is an alternate version of the “turn the corner and bump into your soulmate” that’s utilized (and parodied) in so many anime. Yasratcha enjoys his time with Wangwang so much that he makes his entire purpose to be with him. (And he says it in a very romantically charged way)

When Wangwang encounters Nennen, Yasratcha comments that Wangwang’s heart was stolen and that he was jealous of her ability to do so. He strikes up a somewhat antagonistic relationship with Nennen, continuously needling her and being weirdly interested in their sex life.

This eventually culminates in Yasratcha’s “betrayal” all so Wangwang can break free from his master and become reliant on Yasratcha again. When Wangwang is begging for Yasratcha to kill him, Yasratcha can’t bring himself to. Finally he enters a suicidal battle against the rest of the canine people hoping to eradicate them while also hoping to die himself, because he feels like he can’t live on without Wangwang.

White is another queer-coded character with his obsession of “corrupting” Bam and his daddy issues.

Finally there’s Traumerei. Even though we don’t know much, due to the large jacket, his comments on love, and “relationship” with Wangwang, we can assume he had a close relationship either V or Jahad. He may be an intentional foil to Yasratcha, losing his “friend” because of their interest in a woman.

Also even though it isn’t Season 3 content, Wangnan and Shibisu carry heavy bisexual energy with their casual flirting with Nia and Khun respectively.

TLDR: Tower of God is plagued with queer-coded twinks who have trouble forming healthy relationships and get too easily obsessed with talented men. They also all have abandonment issues

[winns-stuff]

LO RANT (MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING):

Okay my rant for today is going to go into somewhat of a triggering topic which is abuse and normally I try to just be very vague about the more heavier things on Lore Olympus when ranting about them just so I don’t have to say the actual words or acts or anything but unfortunately for this rant it’s going to really be hammering into the more abusive side of Hades because this sort of situation between the fans have really been irking me badly.

I absolutely hate it when fans try and say that Hades is not abusive and all of his behaviors are just justified and excused because of all of the things he’s been through. The main argument I’ve seen with this topic is that he’s not an abuser because he’s never abused Persephone or Minthe or any of the women he’s been in a relationship with and honestly this sort of mindset is so incredibly flawed and sort of ignorant in the nicest way possible since abuse comes in many different forms believe me I know. You can be verbally abused, emotionally abused, sexually abused, and more it’s not only domestic violence and I just wish more fans would be aware of that and not just count domestic violence as a valid type of abuse (which granted I completely get and in no way am I saying that it shouldn’t be something that’s a form of abuse that shouldn’t be validated).

That way of thinking just makes no sense at all, if abuse only mattered in intimate relationships then abusive parents, teachers, counselors, etc wouldn’t be considered or validated at all. Just because he doesn’t hit women does not make his actions any less abusive, we’re talking about the man who constantly talks down on and willfully uses violence on those who cannot fight back. He has no problem exploiting his own citizens and cutting off their resources and transportation between realms at the drop of a penny and he definitely does not care about the well being of those who have to work for him. He’s an abusive asshole and his actions are absolutely heinous and incredibly distasteful.

Honestly this just makes me ask the question of why, why is Rachel even putting these elements in her story anyways if she’s not going to address it or try to explore these disgusting aspects of our very society. I’m sorry y’all but I do not believe that she doesn’t believe in half of the things she writes about, normally if someone does not agree with problematic elements in their story they’ll make it a point to try and point out its flaws or at the very least show people that “hey, please do not glorify xyz” you know? Like there’s evidence of the creator actively going against the things that they don’t agree with yet Rachel has never come out to say anything. She doesn’t address any of these problematic choices in her own story and instead of actually doing things with them she just keeps them in the story for no fucking reason. The nymphs (who are the lower class might I add and also make up the uncomfortable fantasy racism) should not be sexualized and used as objects for male pleasure. The satyrs and other non gods that live amongst Olympus and the Underworld should not be shown to be in hostile situations by their bosses for literally no other reason other than a few laughs. Persephone should not be sexualized by Rachel every other fucking panel, can we please talk about that soon because it’s getting fairly obvious that Rachel is just using Persephone only to be ogled at and heavily sexualized. The age gap never should’ve happened because again Rachel herself makes it a damn point to remind everyone that Lore Olympus is literally just a “cute” minor x adult fanfic, the whole thing reminds me of lolis and how people defend that shit by saying that they’re adults. And even more stuff but that would be about 400,000 words long at this point.

Anyways, I just want to end this by saying I’m not terribly angry at fans I’m just disappointed and honestly kind of annoyed I wish they would actually reread the things that they’re supporting and defending and actually start to think about what the comic is saying instead of just blindly going along with it. Another point is I do not believe Rachel is the best person and I’d love it if we could finally hold her accountable because I’m sorry but if she genuinely sees no problem with half of this stuff and she’s spreading it around in her award winning 4 million reader comic while there’s an entire fucking community trying to tell her how absolutely harmful and shitty the content is (that she keeps ignoring for a fucking reason might I add) I don’t find myself having much hope that she’s not a bad person, and maybe I am wrong although I genuinely don’t think I am because normally with good people you don’t have to keep wandering and convincing yourself that they’re good since they do that for you by their actions and how she’s been carrying herself these past years have not shown me otherwise.

Edit: With this rant though I do not want to incite any harassment or bullying Rachel’s way because that’s nowhere at all where I was trying to get when I said she needs to be held accountable. Harassment and cyber bullying is genuine asshole behavior and something I really don’t tolerate and besides there’s better ways to hold Rachel accountable that doesn’t require that kind of stuff.

[useless-catalanfacts]

A very interesting editorial by the journalist, political analyst and activist Vicent Partal. I've translated it to English for more people to understand:

The psychological impact of historical violence against Catalans

The time has come to consider the reparation of the historical violence committed by Spain against the Catalans. Because it's a mark that we carry every day and that defines our society and the behaviour of our oppressors.

I started Sant Jordi celebrations on Saturday going to Via Laietana [Spanish military police headquarters in Barcelona -capital city of Catalonia- famous for being the place where the police have tortured many people in brutal ways] to listen to some of the witnesses of the book Tortured. Via Laietana 43. Twenty-two women witnesses of terror (1941-2019) by Gemma Pasqual. They explained, with an exemplary bravery and dignity, how they had suffered in that horror house -under the dictatorship and the democracy. Since 1940 until nowadays. The attendees cut the street, we were carrying banners condemning torture and the torturers as we listened for half an hour to those women's narrations about what they had been through right there, behind those doors, one by one.

It was precisely in one of the most intimate and chilling moments when a man who was walking behind us, precisely through the door of Via Laietana 43 [the police headquarters], dared to shout insults to the protesters, and continued walking in front of the policemen stationed there. It's evident that he did not feel any respect nor interest for those women's experiences, and I assume that he didn't care about everything they went through, all the opposite. But behind his action there was the security and the arrogance of knowing that he would face no consequence. All the opposite: that, if someone tried to get back to him, he had the police there to protect him.

This verification reminded me of a book I read recently with a lot of interest: Caste, The Origins of Our Discontents, by the journalist Isabel Wilkerson. The book has had a great impact in the United States of America but also in countries like India, because Wilkerson explains how and why racism works not only in the USA, but also in more places -in the case of India, it talks about the dalit caste. And in what it explains there's a few lessons -because after all, she's talking about oppression and resistance- that are perfectly applicable to the Catalan case.

I'll start with this very Spanish man who insulted us on Saturday. How can there be someone so insensitive?, many of us asked ourselves after seeing his attitude. And Wilkerson's answer is clarifying: "The only way of keeping a group of intelligent people artificially oppressed, below others and below their own talent, is with violence and terror, psychological and physical, applied with the intention of stopping them from resisting it, even before they can imagine that they could resist to it." And she explains that this terror, that this violence, is not spontaneous at all, but is fabricated by the oppressors throughout history and they pass it down from generation to generation. She says: "Dehumanizing another human being is not only declaring that he's not human, and it doesn't happen by chance one day. In order to dehumanize a human collective, a very long process, a methodic programmation, is needed. It needs a lot of energy and effort, it needs resources, to accomplish such an antinatural thing as denying that another member of your species is your equal and, thus, denying that he has the same rights."

And with a quote by the sociologist Guy B. Johnson she explains that accumulated historical violence is the key to this oppression process: "To understand the conflict, you must understand that during the years of slavery white people got used to the idea that they could 'regulate' black people's insolence and insubordination through force, without consent and with the support of the law and the state apparatus." Exactly the same as here. And it's as simple as this: for the last 300 years, but very specially during the years of the Francoist dictatorship [1939-1978], Spanish people -particularly Spanish people who live in Catalonia- have gotten used to the fact that Catalan people's "insolence and insubordination" can be regulated through the use of violence and with the explicit support of a law that always is and always will be discriminatory against Catalans and favourable to them, Spaniards.

The security given by decades where this always happens like this, systematically, explains the arrogance and shamelessness with which a passerby is able to walk in front of a group of women explaining that they were tortured right there, in the building in front of them, and, even seeing they're accompanied by hundreds of people, he allows himself to confront them all, him alone, with an insulting shout. Simply, he's psychologically convinced that those insolents and insubordinates will be put in their place by the state's violence, as, in fact -and this is the maximum gravity of what happened in 2017-, the Spanish state did on October 1st [the Catalonia independence referendum, when the Spanish government sent the military police to beat up voters, kidnap votes, and close the voting places to avoid the referendum from taking place] and after the declaration of independence. If today we have the Spanish nationalists encouraged -and autonomists scared- it's because the Pavlov works. We have been beaten again.

In Isabel Wilkerson's book, a calculation catches the reader's attention. She asks in what year will the citizens of the USA have spent as much time having slaves than not having them. And the answer is 2111. In 2111, for the first time, African Americans will have spent as long in freedom -at least theoretically- than the amount of time they spent -and which weights on everyone's consciences, black or white- being slaves. In 2111 maybe African Americans will no longer feel the historical weight that they feel now and maybe -we'll see about that- white people will have gotten used to the fact that they're equal humans, with the same rights. By highlighting this number, Wilkerson explains to what point the past's weight is expressed nowadays and the importance of taking it into account. The way in which it's particularly important among oppressors, who continue thinking that they can do whatever they want with us -and that they have the right to it- and they are not afraid at all, because experience has proven that if someone gets hit, if someone gets arrested, if someone gets jailed, if someone gets exiled, if someone gets tortured, it will be us and not them.

The book has made me reflect and has impressed me a lot because of how it approaches such a deep psychological component of the relation between oppression and freedom. (...)

I'll continue with the example of Via Laietana. The torture witnesses in Gemma Pasqual's book range from 1940, when the Francoist troops had just entered Barcelona, to 2019, during the protests against the Supreme Court's sentence [jail sentence for Catalan civil society leaders, NGO members and democratically-elected politicians for insubordination to the Spanish government because of their involvement in Catalonia's independence movement]. That's 79 years. Assuming that from now on they won't torture again, until the year 2102 Catalans, and particularly those from Barcelona, will have lived as long without being threatened with torture and violence in the Via Laietana headquarters as they have lived used to -and scared of- this torture and violence. And do you think this doesn't matter? That it doesn't leave a mark? That it doesn't condition our behaviour and, above everything else, our oppressors' behaviour?

[heliza24]

Let's talk about the music in Young Royals! (Part 1)

This post, which will focus on the needle drops used in the show, is the first part of a two-part analysis. Part 2 will focus on the original score.

I love the way music is used in Young Royals. It was one of the first things that attracted me to the show, but it's only recently that I’ve stopped to think about why I find it so effective. I used to (in a pre-disability past life) work in the music industry, and I’ve been missing my old job a lot lately. So I thought I would use some of my knowledge (and my media analysis skills) to write this meta. I've tried to link a youtube video for every song I reference, so you can go and listen to the tracks if you want to.

First, let’s talk about some logistics. “Needle drops” are when a show uses a pre-existing song as part of the score (like literally dropping a needle on a record player; isn’t it weird how that terminology has stuck around even while the technology has changed?). You can also call them music syncs, which refers to the fact that in order to use pre-existing music in film, you have to obtain a music synchronization license from the copyright owner (this ensures that the recording artist and the songwriter get paid for the use of their music). The person in charge of selecting songs and clearing the rights for them is called the music supervisor. The Young Royals music supervisor is Magnus Palmborg, and I think he does an incredible job. (He was also a co-writer on Simon’s Song, so we really have a lot to thank him for).

Music serves a very important role in Young Royals. I believe that the selection of songs and use of the score really helps establish one of the most important themes of the show: the dichotomy between the public and private self. So much of Young Royals is about the images characters consciously try to project and the pressure society puts on them to act a certain way, and the way that conflicts with their actual internal feelings.  And this dichotomy exists very clearly in the music too.

Most of the needle drops in the show are big, bold pop and hip hop songs. They are usually played over montages of the students at Hillerska, often towards the beginning of the episode, and they reflect the “cool” image that the students are trying to project to each other. The very first time we see Hillerska, “Wannabe Ghetto” by Fata Boom is playing, and the lyrics “keep up the front like it’s your mission/Look our best, cover up what’s missing” perfectly sums up the pressure the students feel to fit in at such an elite school. When everyone is getting ready for the welcome back party in 2.1, the incredibly confident "Ripe" by Flavia is playing. The lyrics “no need to go to work unless you're working on my body” are full of sexual confidence, but they also play while students are putting on makeup and trying to look their best, literally working on their bodies. (Flavia is one of my favorite finds from the soundtrack by the way. She makes total queer bangers, I recommend checking her out). 

It’s probably worth talking briefly about the opening title card here. A lot of shows have full opening sequences, with their own theme song. Young Royals eschews this, choosing instead to just flash the title on screen over an existing scene, often with a needle drop (but this changes each episode). I think this approach works really well, because it lets the music clue us in to the mood of each episode. A lot of episodes start with a very intimate scene, like the music room scene at the beginning of 1.3, and then contrast that with a burst of pop music during the title card that reminds us of the front the characters are normally projecting. In 1.3 the title card is shown over a montage of Felice struggling in the stables and is accompanied by a loud, lyricless pop song. That contrast from the intimacy of the music room, to a space where Felice feels like she’s always pretending, is really effective.  

But sometimes needle drops are used to reflect more intimate, genuine emotions. Sometimes the show does this by making the song semi-diagetic. (Diagetic music is music that exists within the story that characters can hear; so Simon’s Song for instance is diagetic). At the beginning of episode 1.1, Wilhelm is listening to “Bad” by Farveblind, which has the lyrics “I think it’s bad/I think it’s lame/I think it’s horrible” over and over again, which is a pretty clear indicator of how Wilhelm is feeling. The show does a similar thing in 2.3, when Wilhelm listens to “The Lonely Ones” by Lova in his headphones when he walks by the lake. He’s feeling lonely! He listens to a sad song! That’s pretty straight forward. 

But sometimes the way the music captures characters’ genuine feelings is a little more subtle. I actually think that there’s a lot more of this in season 2 than there is in season 1. There are a few examples I love from season 1, but most of my favorite examples are from the latter half of season 2. This perfectly reflects the journey that all of the characters, but especially Wilhelm, are going on; as season 2 goes on he gets more and more in touch with his real feelings and less and less able to pretend to please the royal family. These songs tend to be a little quieter than the flashy pop and hip hop that represents the facade of Hillerska, and you sometimes have to think a little bit about how the lyrics are illuminating what the characters are feeling.

Some of my favorite examples in season 1 include  “Holes (Deep Throat Choir Remix)” by Zhala that plays during Erik’s funeral, which has the lyrics “And I lose myself inside”, reflecting Wilhelm’s descent into grief and the way that he’s about to push Simon away, and “Sunday” by Gina Dirawi that plays as the girls are setting up for the sleepover and Wilhelm is going over to Simon’s house in 1.5. The lyrics “but I can see you clear here” reflect the fact that both sets of characters have found a sense of comfort with each other. But my absolute favorite example in season 1 is “Samurai Swords” by Highasakite, which plays while August uploads the video of Wilhelm and Simon to the internet. “I am leaving/I’m unleashing/I unravel to the leeches/I’m unpleasant/I’m unloving/So call out the guys with the samurai swords” plays while the camera focuses on August, reflecting his emotional state and also the fact that uploading the video is an act of self-harm for August (the image of samurai swords makes me think of seppuku, or the ritualized suicide that samurai warriors would commit instead of falling into enemy hands) and an act of aggression against Wilhelm and Simon. And when the camera cuts back to Wilhelm and Simon the lyrics say “someone else will love like a rainstorm”. The melody is so wistful and sad, like the show is already nostalgic for the perfect love that Simon and Wilhelm had which is about to be marred by the outside world. 

In season 2, I really love “My Awe Sustains” by Ari at the top of 1.5, which perfectly captures the feeling of longing between Wilhelm and Simon (this is my other favorite discovery from the soundtrack; the whole album For Evig by Ari is one of my favorites now) and “I Wanna Be Someone Who’s Loved” by Tusse, which is included after the fight in the music room in the same episode. The lyrics to this one are really heartbreaking: “You make me feel like I’m invisible… Thought it would help but no one hears my call/No I won’t give up/I want to be someone who’s loved.” The lyrics capture how much Wilhelm wants to make his way back to Simon, but there’s frustration in melody too, which reflects how trapped he currently feels. “Please Don’t Go” by April Snow and Elias in episode 2.3 is another really interesting example. It plays right before August invites Sara to his room “just to talk” and before Simon tries to break up and Marcus doesn’t let him. The lyrics “I asked you to leave but I meant that I want you to stay/I need you to hear what I mean and not what I say” seem to capture the push-pull in both sets of relationships, and how all of the characters are trying but failing to really communicate what they mean.

But I think my favorite needle drop in season 2 that's used to illuminate the inner thoughts of a character is "Mirror" by Mogli. The song starts playing right after Wilhelm's last session with Boris in 2.5, when he realizes he has a choice: he doesn't have to become king. He could let August inherit and be with Simon. The lyrics "You don't want to be sad anymore/And I can't laugh/ No I can't laugh/I want to win this race but you can't lose/I let you score" underscore Wilhelm contemplating August in the Forest Ridge common room. Letting August inherit the crown would be letting him "win" in their invisible war for power, but what would that matter if Wilhelm gets to be happy with Simon? We see Wilhelm come to that realization, and then in the next scene he tells Simon that he's willing to give up the crown for him.

Since we’ve talked about the opening title card needle drops, we should probably address the fact there is also often a song over the closing credits as well. Again, this doesn’t happen in every episode; sometimes original scoring is used instead. But when a needle drop is included at the end of an episode, it feels like foreshadowing for things to come. My favorite is the end of 2.1, right after Wilhelm has a meltdown on the call to his mom. “Seize the Power” by YONAKA plays, and seems to signify Wilhelm’s arc for the rest of the season: 

“Woke up this morning, I feel so fucking important/Look in the mirror, I’m different, I finally made a decision/All the rejected that lost a lack of respect in themselves cause people get hectic/they hurt you and make you feel helpless/they’re not brave like you/they’re too scared to do/anything that’s different, anything that’s new/I don’t need lessons/I do what I want it’s refreshing/as soon as you taste independence/you start living life in the present”

Season 2 is all about Wilhelm realizing he needs to claim his independence and start living his own life, so the lyrics perfectly represent his arc. Plus, the melody of this song is driving and angry, which helps carry forward the momentum of Wilhelm’s conflict with his mom through the end of the credits and reminds us how urgent this need to stand up for himself is.

You’ve probably noticed that I haven’t talked about “Revolution” by Elias or “The Most Beautiful Boy” by The Irrepressibles yet. I saved these two for last because I think they get the most fan discussion of all of the music choices in the season, and for good reason. To me these two are almost the theme songs of their respective season; everything centers around them. They occur at the same place in the season (at the end of 1.4/2.4 and 1.6/2.6) and they encapsulate the lessons that Wilhelm needs to learn: how to stand up to his mom and defy what is expected of him, and how to prioritize his love for Simon.

(I’ve also already talked about “Holy” by Elias in my post about the sex scenes here).

Overall, I love the way that needle drops are used in Young Royals. I know some people have complained that the songs don’t have much to do with the story, but to me nothing could be further from the truth. The songs capture both the societal expectations of Hillerska and the tender, inner workings of the characters. They help us understand the pressures put on our main characters and illuminate how they are really feeling inside. Plus the soundtrack is filled with queer, female, and POC artists who are a delight to discover.

I would love to hear your interpretation of the needle drops in the show. Do you have a favorite song on the soundtrack? Is there something I missed that you want me to talk about? My ask box is open and I would love to hear your thoughts!

[purple-petrichor]

Asexual Gero Masterpost

Okay so hear me out. I love this series and all of the wacky moments and fun characters within it. And the story of someone trying to find a partner even though they struggle is so, so, so good. And just like many fans, I’m super curious to see how the story will develop, and who Gero will end up with (if anyone). 

But there’s a big point that I’m not sure even the authors are aware of:  Gero is Asexual.

–Evidence below–

The base definition of Asexuality is when a person experiences little to no sexual attraction. This means that even if a person has libido, fantasies, and positive views on intimate relationships, their natural orientation is little to no sexual attraction to any gender. They may be capable of finding people romantically attractive, and may even desire partnership, however, the mechanisms for finding other people “hot” and experiencing desire for them based off of looks and sexual signals simply aren't there. However, due to how strongly society pushes the idea of instant attraction, and the heteronormative world we all live in, this can be extremely difficult to recognize within oneself. Many asexuals say they didn’t realize their orientation for many years because it wasn’t even known as a possible option. 

In line with this, here are many common Asexual traits and experiences that can be seen with Gero:

>>comfort with singleness

In the very first chapter, during a conversation with Bug User, Gero states that he’s not really interested in marriage or partnerships. Despite everyone around him naturally pursuing intimacy (his sister with her girlfriend, Bug User with his fiancee), Gero just…doesn’t. His natural conception of self is to be single. He even states that this is a comfortable thought for him, being ‘easier’. It’s possible the manga seems to imply that we should view this as ‘giving up’, but Gero doesn’t seem otherwise depressed or discouraged in his daily life aside from his job. The idea of being unpartnered isn’t one that feels ‘unfulfilling’ for him. It’s only when Gero is given no choice that he makes the decision to actively seek out a partner.

Of course there are many asexuals who do want romantic relationships, and strongly desire companionship, which is why...

>>basing relationships more on emotional bond and other factors than physical attraction

This emotional outburst is heartbreaking. It’s also very similar to how asexual people tend to talk.

All of these things, all of these ‘desires’ from Gero, all of what he values… are emotional. Not physical. There’s no depiction of sensual actions, not even hugging or kissing. Hell, they’re not even touching in bed! Gero’s face in the imagined scene looks confused, surprised that he’s even there to begin with, rather than the happiness of someone who’s next to their object of desire. 

His natural ‘fantasy’ (if you could call it that) has some random woman essentially act as a placeholder. She doesn’t even have eyes! This is consistent with the fact that many aspec people report finding it difficult to fantasize about people, and if they do, it may occur as vague nebulous scenes, disembodied body parts, or faceless people. A ‘faceless stand-in’ is exactly what Gero is picturing here.

Everything Gero talks about could be provided by a close friend or queer-platonic-partner, not explicitly romantic or sexual in nature. He just wants companionship. He wants someone to care about him. And his way of picturing that doesn’t involve sexual or sensual affection as a base.

>>turning down opportunities

Here we see Gero literally pushing women off of him. Even when someone is offering sex, it appears to have no interest or temptation. There’s no blush on his cheeks. No sense of ‘that’s appealing but not right now’. Instead, his reaction is a brusque and clear refusal. He’s portrayed as somewhat flustered, and is even so upset that after this he immediately walks right into a glass wall. A professional hitman, not noticing a pane of glass? It must have really thrown him off. 

Now, this refusal could be due to awkwardness, or a commitment to professionalism while on the job. Or, it could be that Gero is just truly not interested. And his flustered reaction comes from being forced into close proximity with something that deep down really isn’t comfortable for him.

>>not experiencing sexual attraction This is the big one! Let’s review that one accidental-grab moment:

I CANNOT GET OVER THIS PANEL IT LITERALLY SAYS “RELUCTANT”

HIT EM WITH THAT AGAIN GERO

RELUCTANT

ACCIDENT

NO BIG DEAL

Are those the words of a man who secretly wants to be physical with women?

The world instructs men to brag about and exaggerate their sexual interactions with women. Why? For the sake of ‘cool’ points: to be seen as popular, desirable, masculine. And yet, when Gero touches a woman here, instead of getting an ego-boost, his immediate instinct is to *minimize what’s happening*. All of his thoughts are about how uncomfortable he is, and trying to escape the significance of the situation. Downplay (it’s just the back of my hand), distance (A total accident, no big deal). The word that stands out here is UNWILLING. There’s not any psychological reward in this. Only psychological stress.

And sure, you could make the argument that he’s just inexperienced and self-conscious, but still. This…isn’t the reaction of someone who ‘could’ enjoy it in another circumstance. This is the inner dialogue of a person who is hyper-aware of what the world would say about this situation, and about him, and is immediately turned off, nervous, self-conscious, and negative towards that idea. This lack of reaction from Gero is further highlighted here:

Bro that’s not arousal, that’s awkwardness. He literally turns away a woman flirting and directs her towards another man instead. This isn’t inexperienced fumbling. This is feeling cornered and turning to panic. You don't exactly get any sense that Gero’s enjoying the pictures. Not even a passing comment like ‘nice’ or something.

For asexual people, there can be this weird ‘layered’ viewing of the world sometimes. You’re aware of what narratives the world has, how things work. You know what situations, phrases, and body parts tend to get strong reactions from people. You become hyper-aware of how you’re expected to act, and what actions you’re expected to enjoy, as a person of your assigned gender. Not to mention how certain actions around sex will raise or lower your status in the eyes of others.

And yet, when you realize more and more that your internal reactions are…not according to those pre-established lines….you can get really flustered and nervous. It’s not appreciation that Gero demonstrates here. This is pressure and embarrassment.

He follows the accidental-touch by asking Kinosaki what to do, because maybe he genuinely doesn’t have any internal desire about what to do next. So he defaults to someone with stronger instincts. Just as he ends up doing a second time with the swimsuit pics.

>>feeling like you’re ’broken’ or different from other people

Gero repeatedly seems to set himself aside from ‘normal people’. In his case, his excuse is that he’s ‘too damaged’, traumatized and manipulated since childhood to kill others and view the world through a rotten lens. And while that may be true (and questions about trauma or past experiences are sometimes relevant to asexuals in real life!), that’s hardly enough. Gero feels different, ‘seperate’ from others. “What makes you think I can”? I “could never do that”? There’s some kind of baseline rift that Gero feels; something related to him processing love and partnership differently than the norm. (And sure, within the series’ universe, this is done under the excuse of his hitman-upbringing. But did Gero “avoid love and women”, or was the draw never quite big enough to go after? )

(Side note: technically this has notes of being Aromantic, not Asexual. But in a society which pushes the narrative that both those attractions are the same thing, it’s easy to mistake lack of urge towards one with lack of interest in all. Or, like Gero, you may come to believe you aren’t good at relationships as a whole.)

>>not picking up on signals from others

Yup, Arashiyama was not shy about her feelings for Gero. And she was obviously designed to have looks that strike the audience as “sexy”. So it was a very interesting point of the series when neither her body nor her clothing were commented on in any way. Most notably, they didn’t seem to have any effect on Gero at all. 

Look at that reaction panel: Truly he doesn’t care. We don’t see a ‘blushing but hold it down and ignore it’ reaction; he’s not drawn with any blush at all. Gero is not portrayed as holding anything back around Arashiyama. He just truly doesn't feel any reaction to her signals.

In addition, this:

OH THE GLASSES

OH ITS THE GLASSES YOU’RE MAD ABOUT

SO HE DID HAVE A POINT OF VIEW THAT INCLUDED ALL THIS

SO HE DID SEE THAT 

BUT GERO DOESN’T REACT AT ALL

DOESN’T EVEN BRING IT UP

Honestly I don’t believe women and female bodies have any natural effect on Gero at all at this point, haha, he might be black stripe. That’s the thing about asexuals–we’re not stupid or unable to understand common flirting methods. They just doesn't usually trigger much of a reaction.

>>being confused or out of place in the world

As early as chapter 1, we watch Gero staring at Kinosaki while walking down the street, as they kiss and seduce another man.

One of the most common asexual experiences is a sense of wondering why people act the way they do. Why do people make such silly decisions? Why are they all so intense about sex? What is this hivemind they all share? Many asexuals report believing that people were “faking it” for most of their lives. Either they were broken, or the asexual person had to be. 

This stare from Gero, enough to walk into a wall and break his glasses with the force of it, seems to me like that kind of asexual fascination. A kind of non-understanding, a kind of calculated curiosity about the world. What are they doing? I mean he knows what, but why? Why doesn’t he feel that way- (SMACK)

>>genuinely believing it’s not that important to people

In early chapters, Gero doesn’t seem to grant coupling the same sort of ‘weight’ that others do. He seems to have no instinctual discomfort with ‘missing out’ on common life markers. As shown here, he acknowledges and honors his sister’s relationship. But for himself, he views being single without children as an equally legitimate path in life. Even his younger sister picks up on the unspoken demand–that the family expects them to have children, once they reach marriageable age. But Gero just…doesn’t. Or doesn’t take the possibility seriously. He really seems to assume the world will just relax and accept him being unpartnered. His entire bloodline will die out. And that’s fine, right? After all, it's not like reproducing and seeking intimacy are deep-seated desires in most peoples’ basic instincts, right?

I mean come on. This is basically a common ace joke.

>>assuming you do feel attraction because XYZ

In the absence of strong attraction, it is very common to mistake other feelings in its place. For example, many asexuals spend years assuming they do have sexual feelings for people, when in actuality it was factors such as aesthetic attraction (admiring a person’s looks) or romantic attraction (feeling romantically drawn to a person) all along. People have also reported ‘overanalysis’ of their own reactions–this person is kind to me, and they look nice, and I care about them, so that means I’m madly attracted to them, right?

Here we see Gero fall into the same trap of overanalysis. He felt a rapid heartbeat, and some physical reaction, that must mean this is love, right? Throughout the entire series, Gero seems to be assuming he’s straight because, after all, he gets nervous around women. 

Of course you get nervous, you’re new to social situations, bro. Of course you get nervous, she’s placing expectations on you and you desperately want to meet them. Of course you get nervous, this is a lot of emotion suddenly thrown at you. Of course you get nervous, you’ve been put under pressure to view all women as potential wife material. But is this good-arousal nervousness, or negative-stress-response nervousness? Signs point to the latter.

>>proximity to queerness

This is a more subtle point, but important nonetheless. 

We know that Gero appears supportive of queerness in general. He has a sister who is wlw, and actively supports their relationship. Furthermore, he shows no hate towards Kinosaki for his gender and gender expression, after an initial adjustment period.

It is very common for ace-spec people to feel vaguely aligned with LGBT+ issues, even if they don’t feel like they have “enough” solid evidence to identify as queer themselves. Often ace people report assuming that they were simply a highly-invested supportive ally. It’s possible that Gero is in the same situation–comfortable with queerness, accepting of different ways of life, but because of marginal interest in women and needing to find a partner, he doesn’t recognize the ways in which he himself stands markedly outside the straight norm.

>>But most importantly this date:

DEMI???

DEMI???

MY BOY YOU ARE DEMI!!!

Demisexual. A subset of asexuality. A sexual orientation in which a person cannot feel sexual attraction to others unless a strong emotional bond is formed. Forming an emotional bond is not a guarantee of attraction developing, however, it is necessary for the person to even begin to feel sexual interest in the first place.

This is…I’m still stunned by this scene. Honestly this is the most direct example of a demisexual/demiromantic male character that I’ve ever witnessed, and it may not have even been intentional. I probably couldn’t write something this direct or skilled about it, and I’m close to demi myself!! It’s truly astounding. I remember reading this chapter the first time and my jaw dropped, totally stunned, in recognition. This is how I think. This is how my mind tends to naturally think about relationships. This is almost on-the-nose textbook demisexuality. 

Gero you are demi!! Please realize!!

– – – – – 

So yeah this is what I think. Given all the evidence at hand, and how consistently Gero has been portrayed so far, his actions and tendencies would match being on the asexual spectrum. If it were canon, that would be incredible–these moments alone would make him one of the most stunning examples of a male asexual character in manga, hell, in all of fiction today.

Given the strong similarities, I wonder if the author/artist are possibly aware of this. They do have queer characters in terms of Gero’s sister (and arguably Kinosaki). So there’s a chance they may have heard of asexuality or aromanticism as well. …But also the chances seem low. A mainstream shonen publication? How much more queer content can they push. A battle manga based around romance? Wouldn't help much to make your main character incapable of certain kinds of attraction. And yet…god I wish. The more time goes on and the more chapters stay within these bounds, I keep wondering if there could be a chance.

Anyway each chapter that we’ve seen so far has only reinforced and continued these traits, so. <3 Asexual Gero is canon to me now thanks y’all can jump onboard!