#but it makes me hate this fucking depression more than anything else rn

[sodaf]

being mentally ill is so cool

[jikigo]

you ever just see a post and just

. 😭

.⬅️🫀⬅️

[lilgynt]

i really do need to stop thinking about this fight but i’m legitimately gonna blow my brains out about it

[johnslittlespoon]

also little (ok not so little. at all) personal thing as a way of mass–apologizing in advance to friends/moots for being slow with replies/not super interactive for a bit (possibly? always hard to predict) but pls god feel free to ignore this <3

i hate talking ab not–fun personal stuff on here (if it's not hidden deep in tags LOL), but i feel so so guilty for being so slow at replying to messages here/on discord and i would never want any friends to feel ignored or like i'm not enthusiastic to chat bc i genuinely have the most fun yapping together in the wota server and it's been such a joy making more friends here and getting closer with some ppl 🥺 it's just eating me up even tho ik i don't have to apologize/explain myself and i'd never hold it against someone else if the roles were flipped!! it's just to put my mind at ease so i can feel less guilt/pressure :')) and i am Uncomfortable talking about bleh emotions so it's easier to just plop it here and not have to explain myself one on one lmaoo tbf i may delete this in a few hrs bc just typing this up might give my brain some relief anyway and then i won't feel like this is necessary!

but sam lore the quick of it is i have # bipolar and i've been in an originally manic, then hypomanic episode essentially since around the time i started this account? it's the longest 'up' episode i've had but it's also the first one i've been off bp meds for so that might be why (long story dw i see my dr monthly <3 sorting life out rn) and i think starting stimulants back in may prolonged it a bit bc yk. meth LMAO but it finally petered off a few weeks ago and now i am entering the Big D (and not the fun kind) so some days i just do not have any energy for anything other than survival mode and when i'm suddenly super chatty or active, 99% of the time it's bc i just took my adhd meds and downed an iced coffee lmaoo genuinely so grateful i have those meds to keep me from fully sinking deep into a bad episode for now at least. so tldr; not trying to be antisocial or ignore anyone, just tryina truck thru :-)

i'm so thankful for all the cool ass friends i've met thru mota and i have been rly scared since i felt myself swinging to the other side of the bp spectrum last month bc i've been very up since i joined tumblr and i don't want a sudden change in vibes to be taken personally or for it to seem like i've lost interest in fandom!! i also get scared i'll just be dull and boring to friends now who have only known me while i'm manic which is understandable bc it's a big switch up but i think over text it shouldn't be as jarring bc yk i have time to think ab my words more and all. i am a little surprised actually that if anything, my motivation for writing has only intensified in the past month, but i think it's the first time i've had a healthy form of escapism in an episode and my brain has definitely latched onto it to get me thru that and a lot of shit stuff that's been happening irl this summer, so i'm unbelievably thankful that this fandom dragged me back into fic writing as hard as it did <3

but as sometimes happens with depression as i'm sure most of us have experienced, motivation/energy loss can hit even our biggest passions and i'm Terrified and hoping so very hard that it doesn't, but if fic updates do abruptly slow down as i ride this episode out, that's likely the reason. can't see myself losing interest in mota anytime soon but ik that if someone's usual writing pace suddenly slows down, ppl often jump to that conclusion (myself included lol) and i just want to make it clear i will Not be abandoning my fics and as of now, i'm still plowing ahead on all of them. AND THAT'S ALL FR BACK TO MY GOOGLE DOCS fuck do i think this is a journal?? jesus christ my bad

[t4t4t]

God how suicidal Collie is is so exhausting and stressful. She seems more resentful of me the more suicidal she is and unpredictably silly sweet and kind sometimes. I've been trying to be sweet the past few weeks more and it's barely done anything. Idk. Maybe some. I love her so much. I wish I knew how to comfort her. She's so overwhelmed by even basic self care.

She's usually so upset in the mornings. She's so misanthropic. I feel so alone. She keeps saying capitalism makes life not worth living, her body isn't worth living in, there's no worth talking to or making friends with. But then sometimes later she'll make posts and message people, but it seems like she's teasing the world and more wants the attention and compliments than pursuing anything. But that's probably depression and demotivation than arrogance.

"Everyone leave me the fuck alone forever. Disappear."

We're both so lost and alone still.

I can't believe I got bottom surgery at all and I'm worried we won't have rent for next month. She has a surgery date herself 11/13. I have FFS 1/28. If we make it I guess.

She's telling me I need to tell all my friends to kill themselves because it's nothing to me, they're nothing to me, first thing that annoys me, I'll say it she says. I've maybe said it once or twice in the past 6 months, idk everything has been so stressful and confusing and awful. I hate myself. I've been wanting to say it less, say even fuck you less and less. It makes me so sad to be angry

She calls me Ms Kill Yourself, apparently I'm so good at it. She thinks I'm talking to someone rn typing this. She's saying I need to call them worthless. I wish I could grow instead of wallowing in suffering. She says I need to tell all the people I talk to (because I have no friends), "kill yourself, worthless."

I feel like I've made more genuine friends here recently in the past few months than ever being here. I'm supposed to go to some sort of gathering with a few tmrw, someone is making a bunch of vegan food for it for me. I feel so lucky and unlucky rn. I hope she doesn't make it awkward or sad but she probably will.

"You are dead to me. Nothing ever again. I don't want to see you ever again."

I woke up early to go to a food bank and she's saying she won't do shit for me.

So many tears. I wish I knew what to do.

I'll always love her and I'll always hate myself I guess. I love her guitar playing. I wish I had gotten my own guitar ever and she ever taught me anything.

"I'm so happy there's nothing on the other side. Nothing, forever, never been anything more exciting."

"There is nothing to live for." -- I'm confused why she says this. There's so many reasons to live, reasons to die makes more sense. Idk

"Everyone of you are failures. Worthless. Embarrassed to be the same species. What a low thing to be, alive. A higher point would be dead. Would rather be dead, would rather be ashes. I have a kink now, nothing brings me joy like the thought of not being alive. Nothing else will make me happy. I give up."

The friend made a rly good vegan sushi for their birthday party two weeks ago, I'm looking forward to having it again. Idk. I like eating more than she does, she has ARFID for sure.

[sonikkublue]

goin on here to rant so most my ppl dont see, im not that active here anyways so who cares, i sure dont. my year has dragged me to my lowest point till ive become sucidal again. i dont like thinkin abt it but its there

i want to quit. i want to quit friends, i want to quit art, i want to quit everything. everything. including my au. i want to drop dead off the internet and prob go kill myself or reflect or smth. idk, one of those is better than the other, but again i dont know. everything is always hurting and ive been so numb to everything since this year has started, its only gotten worse. my friends arent makin this any better either

im done bein used, im done getting manipulated, im done seeing ppl favor one another right in front of me, im done w/ ppl not listenin to me when i try expressin smth im struggling w/, even if it wasnt much or none at all. i dont even vent a lot or at all. why?? cuz no one ever fucking listens, gets mad at me while i try talkin, pushes my issue away w/ another topic immediately. they my friends act more excited towards the other everyone else gettin smth meanwhile i get lil to none. i recognize im not gettin appreciated as everyone else in my friend group, like they're uninterested in me anymore. that they dont care. ive tried bein positive, i cannot. my friends have offered and offered and offered for me to talk to them if im ever bothered- "u can always talk to us if smth wrong" or smth like that...ok?? last time i broke down in call, one of my friends was playin cookie run to distract themselves, so they werent even fully listening...another time i just got flat out ignored, my issue got pushed aside by another art topic, "damn". NO ONE FUCKING CARES. i already know the cycle. too many times ive lived thru it and im only enabling it by gettin vulnerable. at this point, i cant trust my own friends cuz its so hard too believe them when they keep doin the same thing to me over and over. they're trying to prove smth to me to make me think they care. i dont fucking believe it cuz no one has ever shown care back for me, regardless of how much i give to them. theres that word again. i give so fucking much, and i hate myself for bein this way. most of the time i wish my au didnt blow up cuz its put so much pressure on me like the new friends that came and left in my life, me realizing i have to maintain an audience... idk, maybe im a lost cause. i cant do any of this anymore. i want to die. i dont like thinkin it, but i want too. theres so much stress, so much unbearable stress and anger. and no one will fucking care. ive been hurt by my own friends too many times. i dont say anything cuz its just gonna happen all over again, no how many times i *try* and bring it up to them, they will not fucking listen. no one ever fucking listens to me. i didnt like makin friends from the beginning, ive loved bein alone from the start, but everything happens naturally...unfortunately

i give and give and give and i get absolutely nothing back. im all used up.

idk everything fucking sucks rn. i didnt have to worry abt all of this when i was a smaller acc and i had myself. thats all i needed. now im just miserable. im depressed, sucidal thoughts are everyday, i cry to myself everyday and night cuz of it, im stuck living w/ this thing i made out of my pure "imagination" and that same thing almost made me kill myself one time, ive almost killed myself twice a couple months back- one in my parents bathroom and almost sneakin out of my window to wander away from home.

one day im goin to leave, and im not gonna say a word

[storebrandsodaa]

my top 5 car seat headrest songs (as of now):

1: We Can’t Afford (Your Depression Anymore)

-everything about this song i just love a lot. the instrumentals are just so good. it sort of puts into words some things i feel and i love how he says “You’ve got a lot to live for” because throughout the song he uses terms like “we” and “our” and it sort of implies that he views this person more worthy of living than he is and i feel like it’s a great detail. the instrumental break at the end makes me go feral and crazy and then when he says “i don’t know how to make you happy” it just makes me feel something in my chest idk i love this song a lot

2: Fill In The Blank

-there’s a reason why this song is so popular and that because it goes so fucking hard i really like how it shows how people act towards people with depression. i’ve been asked “why?” when i try to explain my feelings and i just can’t think of any real reason that would make sense to the people i’m talking to. it’s just really difficult to exist and this song kind of puts it into words how i’ve been feeling and also just the overlapping vocals on the last chorus go so hard i love when songs do that

3: Cute Thing

-I like both versions of cute thing and i genuinely can’t figure out which one i like better so they’re both up here because i like them for different reasons. I like how smooth the face to face version sounds and i like how crispy crunchy the mirror to mirror version sounds. i like the instrumental break in the face to face version a lot more because there’s something about when the music stops for a second to let the singing happen that just makes me feel something inside. my favorite part of the mirror to mirror version is the little “woof woof!” after he says “i will be your rock dog” because it just makes me really happy. also this song got me back into tmbg so that’s also a plus

4: Please, Mr. Pilot

-please mr pilot is one of those songs that just kills me. the music is great and it’s more peppy (?) than some of their other songs but the lyrics are just bone-shattering life-changing head-banging-against-the-wall good to me. “why should i bare my soul to strangers when i never bared my soul to you?” like come on man i’m like foaming at the mouth whenever i listen to this song. also just a general thing about listening to songs from disjecta membra is that i just like going out of the way to pull up youtube to listen to a song i like because it feels like i’m visiting my long-distance lover

5: Something Soon

-Specifically talking about the one from teens of style because that one just feels nicer to me for some reason (i like the one from mbikmb too but unlike with cute thing this version i just like a bit more) There’s something about the lyrics to this song that just sort of make sense to me. “i want to break something important” that weird self-destructive impulse has hit me so many times and it just makes sense. also my fingers are frozen too dude i feel you it’s cold out.

Honorable Mentions (songs that i love a lot that didn’t make it into the current top 5):

-Literally just anything else from twin fantasy

-drunk drivers/killer whales

-i hate living

-it’s only sex

-kimochi warui

-hey space cadet

-destroyed by hippie powers

-i want you to know that i’m awake/i hope you’re asleep

-there’s more but i’m tired rn

[allyougottado]

HI Doodle! How have you been? I've been kinda meh bc of college but thats beside the point. About your reblog of sending you a character (or in this case, coach haha) I wanna see your list on either Maybel or Joshua or Lumen Brooks(I'm indecisive about those 3, they've been filling my mind lately aaaaaaa), even tho they dont have much lore, I love read others HC, so I'm eager to read yours^^(sorry if they wont fill all the list thingy:()

i’ll try to do all 3 cuz i rly like these coaches as well 😎 (i'm skipping fave line and song i associate them with because... ppl dont speak in just dance and i'm not creative enough to associate coaches with any song other than their own map LOL)

maybel‼️‼️

fave thing about them: her design is so cute!!!! i love yellow and her dress looks inspired by poodle skirts with the little line (phone cord?) spiraling down the skirt lol it’s so adorable. i especially love the alt. design cuz purple sleeveless jacket is CUTESY (also she looks like she’s matching with joshua with the sleeveless jacket hehe 🤭 very CUTE💯💯💯)

least fave thing about them: nothing to hate abt her 😍

brOTP: love you like a love song (this headcanon was subconciously created by looking at ur art btw LOL)

OTP: JOSHUA‼️‼️‼️

nOTP: i’m ngl i have never seen any other ship with maybel in it LOL

random headcanon: she’s a softie but the one thing she’s loud abt is her #LOVE!!!! i probz got this from the straightforward and aggressively-lovey vibe from call me maybe (and the dance too), but also a description from the JD twitter lol (they describe her as the sweet one hehe)

unpopular opinion: idk i’ve never seen too much opinions that i disagree with abt her

fave picture of them: it’s scrapped but this is kick ass maybel from puppet master lmao

joshua😎

fave thing about them: the fake personality i made for him in my head 😼 and also his yellow glove probably

least fave thing about them: i'm gonna be really honest this part will probably be empty for almost everyone i’m not a person who hates easily 😭

brOTP: i always thought that #thatpower extreme and sorry looked similar to him (i think everyone else did too LOL) so YEAH they’re totally bros to me. i also group epsilon with those 3 but if i explain it will totally derail :P

OTP: maybel 💛🩷

nOTP: haven't seen anything too hateable yet lol

random headcanon: kuudere lolz. basically the exact same thing i said for maybel but instead of sweet and soft (🥺) he's like cold and serious on the outside but super hype and chill when he's dancing or talking to ppl he likes

also he’s probz the most normal compared to #thatpower extreme and sorry lol

unpopular opinion: once again, i haven't seen too much opinions i can disagree with lol

fave picture of them: this screenshot i took from youtube lmao

lumen brooks!!!!!🎸

fave thing about them: ur gonna be so shocked when you hear this but i love his yellow raincoat i want it for myself. also he has TEAL HAIR! TEN MILLION CHARACTER DESIGN POINTS TO YOU UBISOFT (blue hair=looks like miku=good)

also i like rock so his map is so cool. i like how they went with a quirky weird rock map instead of a depressing dark one like the two they added in 2023 like yeahhhhh lets switch it up a little (no hate tho i fucking love evanescence BTW)

least fave thing about them: WOAH it’s a bit too soon to hate lolz

brOTP: probz p1 and p3, zephyr reef and crimson riff. i know they’re most likely not even real but i’d like to think he treats them as if they were his bros. also it would be rlly funny if he just has crazy flow powers and can make stuff he draws real harold and the purple crayon style

OTP: nothing rn

nOTP: also nothing rn… that game needs to come out so i have more brainpower to think of cool stuff to say 😾

random headcanon: when u think punk he doesn’t really look like one compared to crimson riff but he probz acts like one lol. would probably hate ppl like night swan and nithe long. and probably kids in america too (she’s falling for the propaganda… 😔 lol) also he’s loud. idk why i think that it just fits to me lol. also everyone probably thinks he’s #CRAYZAY 🤪 but don’t worry bro. i understand you 🤝

unpopular opinion: idk at first i thought he would be chill with scotty but i somehow changed my mind like scotty’s too much of a sweetie pie and lumen is too feisty (to me hehe) i still like fanworks with both of them in it tho they’re funny. like clashing personality stuff is still very entertaining to me

fave picture of them: idk he’s only existed for a couple of months so there’s not much pics of him… probz the little cartoony promo art from twitter cuz i like how huge they drew his rainboots here LOL

(also hiii mey i’m meh as well LOL when i typed the first half of this post i was out at the mall and i feel like i embarrassed myself so hard there 😭 embarrassment still lingers and it sucks cuz i love the mall but whatever… I’M SENDING MY ENERGY TO YOU SO COLLEGE CAN GET A LITTLE LESS SUCKY 🫶💓)

[sunnychuuya]

Sorry for the lack of sally face vomit last night guys I was eepy </3 I'm waking up in less than 8 hrs so let's go

THE FUCK YOU MEAN 60%

HOW DID I MISS SHIT I TRY SO HARD TO NOT

-oof not meds being shitty

-"is anyone really happy?" Mood

-hoooly fuck bro I am notnin a good enough mental state for this rn "I mean, were all just going to die anyway. So what's the point" pookie can we donting

-guysss whay the flip this games writing is rlly good

-"it feels like nothing puts me at ease. It's this constant feeling of discomfort like my soul isn't aligned with my body" okay I know this is prolly some ghosty supernatural shit but I feel this so hard ??

-HELP THE SCRAMIMG JUMPSCARED ME SO BAD mood tho

-hey what.

Whats this.

Larry if this means what I think it means

"ITS TIME FOR ME TO GO WHAY NO

Fuck

FUCK

FUCK

FUCK

NO

I KNEW HE DIED BUT HE CANT DIE LIKE THOS

MY HEART IS RACIN

NO

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

"Don't do anything stupid" the amount of times I've had this told to me and had to tell me loved ones bro

Fuck

No

Guys this isn't even fucking funny this isn't like me getting spooked easy it's like I legitimately am crying so fucking hard right now like mt face is red and all nasty

Shit Larry please

I think this is the most I've ever cried over a game.

Shit

Fuck

No..

Please.

I knew he died.

It can't happen like this I'd rather anything else god damnit why.

Im shaking

okay in texting one of my friends and he's kinda helping a Lil 👍

He was supposed to move in with us.

He's in the treehouse.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Shit.

I'm sorry I know this isn't entertaining to read but

Fuck..

Larry why.

Larry face.

No ghat was really well done. And that's what makes it hurt sk much more. Fuck. Why.

[Tw suicide] this Honestly is making me really glad I never went through with it. Seeing those messages from a fucking fictional character is able to break my heart so much I can't imagine how my loved ones would've felt receiving this

sorry this is getting a Lil venty and dark but just like.. jeez. This is well written and that fucks it up so hard

ash what the fuck. You shitty traitor.

Ash I hate you.

Why.

Ash you fucking suck

Wait did Larry die with alcohol

Uck that makes it so much worse too

Im lowkey having to take breaks cuz this is hitting HARD

Larry's note. Oh my god.

phrophecy??

Oh right the cult

Fuck I'm sk glad ghosts exsist but I wish he was really here larry why

"You asshole! How could you do this?! Why did you leave me? Why?!" Fuck. Dude. Shit.

guys I'm stuck this is embarrassing

A times thing r u fr

Nvm easy as shot

oh great! guys that's great why is there black leak that's not good

what's happening with 501 what the florp

"The shapeless man walks in awkward strides"

Is everyone like possed or on the verge of possession or smth ?? Because like it's the red eyed demon right- based on the cutscene with Todd we saw during the bologna incident and the black stops righr before their eyes so..

The guitar sections are so stressful ngl

Oh wow mr Sanderson blew his brains out hub!

"yoy look like shit dude" Larry fucking wild thing to say to someone who shot themslelves

HEY GUYS ROOM 404 IS SLIGHTLY SUSPICIOUS

"These ghosts. So full of life. Strong, healthy blood. Tender meat. Oh how we crave their flesh. Yet, they deny us.. soon." what the fuck.

Wait guys in the vhs tape screen TV reflection it's younger sal he has pigtails

Larrys dead. I can't accept thst wth..

yall. Why us everyone being all deep n shit

"I'm sort of in the middle of something" honestly props to sal for not just giving up. I would be strong enough for that.

Yea these fuckers r possessed how do we unposses them

am I is have stupid

Im dumb

Gwyss who's quitting for the night cuz I couldn't figure out the guitar thing !!

Will do tmmrw

Aorry for this one being kinda depressing </3 I'm waking up in 5 hrs save .e

@mypinterestgotbannedsoimherenow

[rachelcommitscrimes]

im gonna rant abt how much i hate the ghost eyes fandom (as a former fan) bc im just kinda mad rn

so uhh yeah major TW for s3lf h4rm, romanticizing mental illness, su1c1de, sadomasochism, infantilization, and rlly just anything related to that

(also sorry if this looks weird idk how to separate stuff on tumblr)

also DO NOT harass the creator or anyone mentioned here, you’re no better than them if you do that

——————————————————————————

ok so i read ghost eyes like 2 years ago but i stopped reading about the point where they were on that field trip. i still think it’s a nice comic and i’m sure the author is a cool person, also the art style is awesome. but the fandom is so fucking gross that i’m surprised more people haven’t talked about it. 

for some backstory on this, i used have REALLY bad depression and was cutting myself regularly (i’m much better now, i have medication, therapy, and i’m almost a year clean) i also stopped reading due to the comic severely damaging my mental health and i’m very glad i did. i was younger and immature and thought i could handle such content. this led to me becoming extremely obsessed with the comic to an unhealthy level, and getting severely attached to one of the characters (rudy) because i could relate to him at that time. i seriously thought that i WAS him sometimes.

i understand now that i should NOT have ignored the label and what i did was definitely wrong and if the creator is reading this i deeply apologize. i’m in a much better place now and i’m just glad that i was able to get the help i needed.

ok now to the angry part

if you don’t know what ghost eyes is, it’s a webcomic about a severely traumatized boy attending school for the first time and meeting a bunch of other severely traumatized kids. this comic has a crap ton of triggering/sensitive/disturbing topics (which is not a bad thing as long as you do it right) and like i said before, the creator has kindly put a warning before the comic starts stating that you SHOULD NOT romanticize/idolize/sexualize/kin any of the characters, do not read unless you can handle such topics, and so forth. now i know i should have definitely put the comic down before and not gotten obsessed over it, but i knew damn well enough that it was messed up to romanticize/sexualize any of the characters/things that happened in the book.

there are several scenes in which a character is self harming or harming someone else, and the comments will say shit like “nooo my poor bean” “awww baby don’t do that” or my personal favorite “protect the smol bean.” first of all, the characters are like 16-17, second of all, i cannot even tell you how fucked up it is that people see someone ruining their lives and putting themselves in danger and think it’s “cute” or “anxiety smol bean uwu” THERES LITERALLY A SCENE WHERE SOMEONE IS GETTING STABBED AND PPL ARE DRAWING THIS MF IN A MAID DRESS.

another reason i despise these fans is that they see an abusive relationship and start making ships/kinning them. as someone who has gone through pretty much everything rudy has gone through, i cant tell you how irritating it is to see people shipping him with his abuser or calling him a “cutie patootie masochist boi uwu” cause lemme tell you what-it doesnt feel good to have to put your health in danger and ruin your relationships with others just so you can get off somehow. ITS NOT FUN. the whole point of rudy’s character is to not romanticize someones fucked up mental health.

i could spend hours talking about this group of immature brats, but i’m tired and it’s a school night and i have a test tomorrow. i might add on if i feel like i need to but overall i really hope those immature fans grow up and realize their mistakes like i did, or get the help they need.

[rayshippouuchiha]

Ray, I am honestly having a rly rough time rn and have no one else to talk to so here I am. My relationship with my mom has always been shaky and lately it’s been getting so much worse. For as long as I can remember she’s done stuff that makes me uncomfortable. I don’t think it’s anything big but it happens all the time and has built up. No matter what I do she just doesn’t stop. She tries to force me wear to wear makeup, insists on picking out my clothes on the rare occasion I can leave, yells at me for not wanting to get my hair dyed because it means I’m childish, makes me wear contacts, and basically micromanages every aspect of how I look. She makes me do the most inane stuff for her to “prove I love her” and keeps ordering me around like a dog when my dad is over so he sees how well I listen to her. I am just so tired of her and how she constantly treats me like more of a dress up doll and therapist than a daughter. And we’re having money issues, can’t afford bills and wracking up debt, but she keeps spending money on the stupidest crap and won’t stop yelling at me for not acting like a living person. I don’t go out because I know we can’t afford it, I don’t dye my hair because maintenance would be an additional expense, I hate contacts and my clothes because they don’t feel like they’re mine, and I don’t act like I’m alive because I’ve been depressed for fucking years and haven’t been allowed to take medication because it would “give me autism.” I’m just so tired of it Ray. I really am and I don’t know what to do because all my other options are so much worse. In the morning I’ll probably be embarrassed about actually writing this but I just had like three panic attacks within an hour so ill ignore that for now. Sorry for unloading all this on you at 3:23 am but I rly have no one else rn and I’ve seen some similar asks so it’s probably ok? If it’s not feel free to ignore.

First of all, it's perfectly okay, I'm glad you reached out because it sounds like you really need someone to just hear you. So don't feel embarrassed.

Second of all, what you're describing is a big thing. The kind of micromanaging she's doing to you, the financial issues, the control, all of it is an insidious kind of abuse. It, like many other forms of abuse, also has a tendency to get into your head and make you feel like you're the one in the wrong.

I don't know how old you are and you said that your other options are worse so I'm guessing there's not much in the way of a support system you can reach out to? No one in the family who might be able to step in in some way? Or friends who could provide you a safe place?

The situation is obviously complicated but I want you to know that you're justified to be upset. It's not in your head and it's not your fault. She's wrong to do those kinds of things to you.

You deserve better, you deserve safety and choice over your own body, you deserve comfort.

[youareyoubutwhoareyou]

God sorry I need to ramble for a minute I am so frustrated

I am barely gripping onto recovery rn I am gonna fucking lose my mind. I have an appointment to get weighed etc in just over a week and I'm gonna feel like shit if I don't hit the weight they want in that time regardless of the fact that to do that would be incredibly unhealthy and unsustainable

Literally at least half the weight they want me to lose is what they're going to remove during surgery. if it's really that important how the fuck does that make sense

Truly how the fuck does any of this make sense. You want my body to be fucked up going into surgery? Really? You want deficiencies and even worse fatigue and fog and it literally eating itself? You want me stressed and depressed and obsessive about my body even before the post op depression? That's healthier?? That's going to give a smoother recovery with better results?

It might actually even fuck up my results because I'm almost certainly going to gain the weight back if not more

Study after study after study shows that fat =/= unhealthy, higher risk of complications, etc., that most weight loss methods don't fucking work long term unless you dedicate the rest of your life to it, that losing weight rapidly and going back and forth dieting and not is really fucking bad for you actually

And all this because of some stupid fucking number, some calculation that has been endlessly and rightfully criticised for how much bullshit and how unreliable it is. Somehow it's still held in high enough regard to disregard everything else and say thinner is always better. Always healthier. Always achievable.

I'm just so mad. I was doing well. And now I feel guilty for big portions again. For feeling full, or not feeling full. For cravings and meals out and enjoying food. I'm thinking back to tactics I used all the way back in fucking high school to avoid eating. Ten years ago. I hate this.

It really says a lot how, when I started physio to strengthen muscles so I'm in pain less, a major concern in the back of my mind was that the muscle gain would negate the weight lost. How I'm preparing myself to go to the weighing appointment without eating that day, and not drinking either if I can help it, just to get the number on the scale as low as possible

And the thing is I can't say a fucking word of this to any drs. Not only are they human and inevitably deeply influenced by diet culture etc, but with the current state of trans healthcare in this country I cannot trust them. I cannot say that my mental health is anything other than great for fear they'll shove me on a waiting list for some program for whatever it is and put my transition on hold

I've already waited so long. I'm so close. I would've been referred already and months into a wait list if not for this One thing. It is eating me alive and it will not stop until I get that goddamn referral and I am getting desperate

[ghxstgvrlx]

Alright.

I have a list.

Therapy.

Doctor.

Job.

Move to a bigger apartment in 1 year because I really just feel suffocated, I really just need space.

Try to keep it light and relax and remember to stay grounded, feet on the ground. On earth.

Remember to just breathe. Nothing is that serious. Try not to creep people out by just being angry and misguided in some ways when you’re like this. You know what you mean but you have to be so careful how you say things because this isn’t a movie. This is real life, it’s fine to romanticize things you might feel the need to but you have to remember just the reality of life that you usually do.

Probably meds of some sort. I think it’s time to try again.

Get close to family.

Distance from anything too heavy rn. Don’t play around with such serious stuff, you know you don’t mean it but no one else does. You don’t have a great track record with being stable. Sometimes people just like fucking with you because they know they can in the moment. You know you’re intentions, find a way to get you’re points across and you’re desires for your future clear and maybe stay away from anything that might make things worse. It’s gonna get better, remember when you’re normal you’re fine. You just have to be a little more careful than others to remember to stay grounded and articulate. No more saying things you know you don’t mean just to feel something. Numb and sad and frustrated is fine. But scary however is a lot less savory and a lot less easy for people to back up. If you want help and real true help that your logical mind knows you need, you need to separate yourself from some art and music at this point and time. You may like aesthetics for fun but the world is serious. Bad things happen to people and it’s not fair. Nothing is fair. You really need to not joke about things you will regret later. In your logical mind, when you’re not ultra depressed and lonely, you know what you’re joking about is wrong. You hate it when you say stuff like that, something infiltrated your mind and doesn’t belong there. You’re not really reaching out for real help, so you’re really only gonna find things you don’t need or want. Just breathe. It’s okay. Breeeeattheeee

There will be a time where I look back on feeling this low and feeling like “you said what?” “You didn’t actually say that did you?” “You know better.” “You know you’re a good person in your heart and you don’t want to hurt anyone or yourself, you’re just tired of being hurt.” And don’t share anything you KNOW you don’t mean.

I find myself spiraling sometimes and once I follow a rabbit hole I get deeper and more brainwashed and it takes longer to be like Jesus Christ dude stop.

I’ll probably delete this. But I really don’t wanna make the same mistakes as last time. Just keep your head on straight and try to just focus on healing and getting better and in a better situation.

And please for anyone actually reading this, don’t take me literally. I don’t mean half the shit I say right now. I’m just frustrated with my life. That doesn’t mean the world is ending. lol it’s not. The world is just fine. I’ll just focus on fixing MY problems, that’s the only way to actually accomplish anything real for yourself.

Also there are people wiling to help and be your genuine friend. Stop pushing them away. You’re not scary. lol which is why you’re doing what you’re doing. You’re afraid you’re gonna get hurt and someone will break your heart when it’s already broken. The people who know you know what’s wrong and know what you mean. Stay off the fucking internet and try not to spiral deep into the abyss.

I saw some good advice that stuck earlier about saying hyperboles more often when you want to say something maybe a bit edgy or a bit concerning lol I needed to hear that, thank you.

There’s just like wayyyy too many possibilities and toxic shit online and irl that pull people who are lost into a place they can’t come back from. Those aren’t your thoughts and you know it. Don’t let anyone pray on you to go to an extreme place. You don’t need to be extreme. You’re perfectly fine being your chill and level headed sweet self. Let people see that. That’s better than some edgy bullshit that causes real people to hurt deeply. Be genuine, not scared. You’re okay. No one is going to hurt you. Just get in a better position to where you can protect yourself against the shit you put yourself through. Choose more wisely.

I don’t like who I’ve become tonight. I’m gonna need help not to do it again. It’s not okay. And I’m sorry.

[thatgenderfluidmonstrosity]

Kind of serious post that’s wildly different than anything I ever post

I keep seeing posts about the US and how terrible the system is, things being pointed out from Americans and Non-Americans alike

And I just stare at these statistics and graphs and tables of how different everything is in America compared to other places

And I live in America, but knew it was bad. I’m a highschooler, so I know that the school system is bad. My family isn’t well off financially, so I know the economy isn’t great and rich people are thriving. I’m queer, transgender aligned and neurodivergent, so I know what kind of hardships I can and will face here.

But like

It’s kind of like having abusive parents (of which I do have) and having a friend that says “oh no, my parents are great!” And two more friends are like “well, mine are alright” but I still know the existence of “good parents”. With how many jokes kids make about hating their parents and how “common” it is for teens to go through a rebellious phase and hate their parents for a while, I just thought that it was like that for everyone.

Nobody likes their parents, right? Everyone’s had the experience of getting threatened or yelled at or picked on, right?

But no. There are literally kids in my school that have great parents. There are kids within my state that have great parents. All across America, there are children that really are fully supported and loved by their parents.

And I just think that’s… crazy?

Something I’ve always dreamed of having… exists for others, and not myself? Most of my close friends don’t have good parents. I guess that’s just because that was something we could bond over.

But, that’s just how I see America. There are places where schools don’t force you to sit still and not go to the bathroom? There are places where schools don’t give you homework that you need to stay up till midnight doing so that you don’t fail your classes? There are places where it’s like- easier to walk outside and not be harassed or bullied?

I just feel like I can’t wrap my head around that.

And that, for me, is just so fucking devastating. Just… how are there people who are still so fucking delusional and ignorant to think that America represents freedom? Yes, I completely understand that we are so much better off than other places (honestly I don’t even know if that’s true because if you asked me to list places that are worse off than America, Id likely only say Gaza and other places that are currently experiencing war. That’s because all throughout history in school, it’s been drilled into me that America is amazing for jobseekers, and therefore is amazing in general) but like… there’s no way someone could look at how people experience homophobia, racism, sexism, transphobia, xenophobia, etc, and think “wow. We are just so great”. How they could look at the rich, then look at the struggling lower middle class and lower class and think “yep. They’re equal” or that the lower middle class and lower class are somehow worse and don’t work and are lazy.

I mean, the imaginary person in question could even be of lower middle class or lower class themselves. Like. You’re literally going to drown as well. Just because the person you’re observing may have forgotten how to keep themselves afloat first, doesn’t mean the water won’t rise to your neck and you won’t panic as well.

Honestly, this is just such a wordy post. It’s 6am rn. I woke up at 5am. I’m really not supposed to be awake. I’m tired. I don’t even know if what I’ve said makes sense. At all. I feel like I should be more knowledgeable about where I live but then I just get so depressed from what I’m learning.

Also, it’s kind of like when you live in an abusive household, but you remember that someone somewhere else has it worse, and therefore you aren’t allowed to complain and/or aren’t even being treated that badly. But no. You’re still suffering.

That’s what this feels like.

I don’t know a lot about other places. Most of the stuff that I read about other places is from tumblr posts and YouTube videos. I’m just so unaware and I’m scared that if I keep learning more, it will just make me more hopeless for Americas future.

I’m just a teenager. This upcoming election is one of the scariest ever (in my own opinion cause it’s not like I’ve been around for many yet) because of just how much it can and will affect me. I’ve read about Project 2025. I’ve watched videos about it. I know (to an extent) just how bad it’s gonna be if that stuff can happen. And I’m scared. And I don’t think any adult that I could talk to about it would listen to me because I am a child, and in their eyes, I am, therefore, inferior and don’t truly know anything.

This wasn’t really meant to become a vent post but it’s so hard to not vent when I talk about America.

[dotterelly]

This is me just screaming into the void for a bit, shaky mental health day so yeah. Might be triggering so be careful.

I am really terrified of dying. Like, my mental health has been in the shitter for a while but I'm never going to be at risk of suicide because dying is way too scary for me to ever try that.

But I think the worst thing about the idea of dying is that I doubt I'd ever be remembered for anything. Like I don't think I've done anything really worth preserving. I mean, I've known I wasn't main character material since I was a child, and I certainly never wanted to be one. But I don't really have anything to show for my 34 years on this planet. I'm not capable of doing anything big and I don't want to be famous really, but I would at least like to be able to leave something that says that I existed, I was here, I was more than a fart in the wind. I don't have any talents to speak of, I'm not good at applying myself to getting shit done. I used to think I was, but I'm not. I've tried to dedicate as much energy as I can spare to loving people, but I'm unable to be consistent or reliable with that and I feel like I'm selfish about things a lot. Maybe I'm fine, idk, it's hard to tell when the mind worms always say I'm the worst and people just barely tolerate me and don't like me at all. I used to be able to fight those thoughts by knowing that they were in my head or asking friends to confirm I'm not being a bother and they don't hate me, but it's been getting to a point recently where even if I directly confront those thoughts with the truth it doesn't stop me feeling awful and I'm not sure what more I can do about it. I am struggling so hard with important life stuff rn and with daily chores too and I'm just so goddamn tired. I just really wish there was someone who could come and just complete a few tasks for me because I no longer know how to get them done myself even though they should be easy. But they aren't things I can hand off to someone else so I'm just screwed I guess.

And seriously like, how do people do routines beyond the basics? I get dry skin that's itchy but I legitimately could not manage an actual skincare routine because I barely have energy any time for basic hygiene. And that's not a depression thing, that's a dyspraxic thing, it's just mentally taxing and physically exhausting to have a shower and remember to brush my teeth every day, and by the time I've got through that I don't have any time for applying lotion or make up or anything, you people are fucking wizards.

Did I have a point to this? I don't remember anymore. I guess I should go eat something. Don't pay too much attention to my rambling, I'll feel fine by tomorrow.

[slovo-theshattered-onion]

HEAVY VENT TW, straight up suicidal ideation under the cut, you have been WARNED.

my depression has reached the magnitude where i have to constantly act. i have to constantly fake a smile. i can't express how i really feel almost ever because it's, well, depressing. when i laugh, it's hysterical, when i stim, it's because i'm in pain, when i tell my friends i love them, it's only because i'm scared they'll leave me. i'm hurting to such an extent i literally can't express it anymore because then i'd be only venting 24/7.

i don't enjoy absolutely anything rn. i don't want to do anything. i just sit at my laptop, on tumblr because youtube videos are too long and require too much focus, hurting, hurting, hurting, not doing anything about it. my medicine doesn't work- because it's misprescribed- my parents don't help- because they're both fucking cynical tweens when it comes to emotional maturity- my friends don't help- because they're not trained professionals nor magicians- my therapist doesn't help- because i only talk to her once a week and i always feel like this and it's impossible to address all of it- and i don't help myself because,,, i just don't.

it hurts. it hurts all the time. i'm still expected to function, to act happy. i'd really, really rather die. i'm scared of death and i feel way too guilty and anxious to even attempt. surprisingly (/s), that only makes me hate myself more.

i keep thinking 'when i'm out of this situation, i'll feel better!' and then i'm out of the situation and i feel worse. i know what should help- a psychiatrist who actually fucking listens, irl friends, a job so i can leave my piece of shit fucking household- but when i think about it realistically, all of those things are unattainable. what psychiatrist will listen to a 'young woman' about mental health issues i literally have never seen anyone else discuss? where can i possibly find people talking to who won't be more exhausting than it is refreshing, especially irl? what job could i do that wouldn't fucking grind me to dust in three weeks tops?

all i want is to become a statistic at this point. then i would at least be contributing to the counter evidence against people like my dad, who believe prejudice doesn't exist and people like me are just whiny. though, in fairness,,, he'd twist even the death of his 'daughter' to fit his worldview, so idk what i'm hoping for