#but it's so hard for me to do things like that without external pressure

[jinnybinghamsghost]

i've decided, unwisely, to attempt nanowrimo this year with nothing but a beginning of a plot and vibes.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[cepheustarot]

What do you need to hear right now?

Attention! This reading is for entertainment purposes only. This tarot reading does not give a 100% guarantee that all the described situations will occur or being ultimate truth. You build your own life and destiny and only you know yourself best.

✧ Masterlist ✧ Paid readings

Pick a pile. Choose one or more pictures. Trust your intuition.

Pile 1: At this stage of your life, you may feel tired of the routine, you feel that every day is similar to the previous one and you seem to be living a "Groundhog Day", little changes and everything seems boring and monotonous.  You want to break this endless cycle, break out of a vicious circle. Someone or something can also limit you and your abilities, because of this you may feel trapped in a cage. From this situation, you have an impulse to change something in your life, to bring new changes to your daily routine. This is certainly a reasonable decision, but the cards advise you not to act impulsively and spontaneously, cards recommend that you think for a while about the ideas that came to your mind. You should not only live for one day, but also think about the future, about the consequences that can await you. You do not need to listen to other people, give in to their words, because there is a risk to listen to them and do as society or your loved ones want. You may also have a desire to be the same as the people who inspire you, set the same goals, and lead such a lifestyle. It's worth thinking about, do you really want the same life or is this desire imposed? The best thing in such situations is to listen to yourself and your voice. Remember that only you know what is best for you, there is no need to rush, live and act at a pace that suits only you.

Pile 2: Most likely, you are now at a fork in the road, there are several paths and several variants in front of you. Everyone seems to be waiting for your answer and what choice you will make. The expectations of other people can put a lot of moral pressure on you, because of this you carefully weigh this or that choice, but do not come to a single answer. You may feel very sad, you may feel afraid of not meeting someone else's or your own expectations. You may also be afraid to waste time and effort without achieving the result you would like. Because of this, you feel very insecure, you may have severe anxiety and obsessive thoughts about the future, and a lot of self-doubt. Here the cards remind you that all your doubts are in vain, because you are a very strong and brave person who can move mountains. You are one of those who thinks through every step, you have a very developed intellect, you can be called a strategist to some extent, since you think through several plans at once in order to achieve what you would like one way or another. Remember what you have already achieved, what trials you have gone through and what results you have come to. You can also analyze your failures and highlight the reasons why something didn't work out (in this regard, you may feel guilty that you didn't try hard enough and could have achieved more. In fact, not everything depends on you, external factors also have a strong influence, so just remind yourself that you really gave your best, you did a good job and you can be proud of yourself).

Pile 3: Most likely, you had an unpleasant story with one person relatively recently. This situation has traumatized you or at least left a noticeable residue in your heart. You are very upset by this act, you may feel resentment or anger at this person, you may have a lot of thoughts like: "why did s/he do this to me?". After this incident, you now do not immediately open up to people, you may be too careful about new faces in your life, you may even become suspicious of a new acquaintance. Here the cards advise you to give yourself time to live through all the emotions after what happened. Sooner or later you will let go of this situation and the pain will gradually fade away, it will become easier for you to breathe and all these thoughts will no longer be there. Now the best thing you can do is to give love to yourself, and also accept it from those who want to give you their love and care. You should not be so skeptical of everyone, you need to try to understand the person and try to find something good in him, which at first glance may seem negative or suspicious. Don't cling to resentments and pain, just let them go.

Thank you for reading! I will be glad of any feedback 💕

[elfbitches]

hi :) an update and reintroduction to myself, since its been a long time and things are different now

a lot of very big life-changing things have happened to me since i've been away, some very bad, some very good, all very hard stuff to go through. i moved to another country(!), got married to my partner and best friend of 7 years (!!), and im currently in the process of filing for immigration(!!!). ive also been grappling with mental and physical health issues that, for now at least, need to be managed without professional help which makes the challenging things even harder. but im here, im alive. imperfect, with a lot i need to work on, but im still trying and my life is several lightyears away from what it used to be. ive finally landed where im gonna stay, and now i can finally recover with the stable ground ive been without for my entire life.

ive been wanting to find a way to come back to social media after abstaining for over a year now aside from checking in now and then, and i had this sort of self-imposed pressure to make it something Significant with beautiful artwork to announce my return and signify how hard ive been working on recovering mentally emotionally physically and artistically. so i kept delaying it because nothing ive been making seemed amazing or groundbreaking enough to warrant all the fuss, and in the process depriving myself of basic human interaction because i didnt feel good enough about myself to show up empty-handed. however i now realise that that impulse was the same sort of mentality that got me so catastrophically burnt out so many times before, that my creativity and artistic output is a commodity that needs to meet a certain level of quality to justify it's existence to others, and all i could do was pray that people like it enough to keep paying attention to me. im trying to break out of that, and as such i have nothing to give you other than myself. im not a content creator, i am simply a person who creates.

ive done a lot of reflection on what is important to me this past year, and currently im in a state of flux and change and adjustment in all aspects of my life. ive basically restarted my entire artistic journey and im starting over from scratch in order to make my art something I both love to look at and love making, and neither of those things have been true for many years now. the same goes for how I presented myself and interacted with others during my time on social media, and I understand now what it means when people say "you teach people how to treat you"; it took me a long time to realise that I was unhappy with how people treated me, and that was a direct result of me constantly enabling specific behavior simply because it gave me positive attention (even if it was at my expense most of the time, people-pleasing habits die hard). from now on going forward, i want to give myself the respect i deserve, and be better about establishing healthy boundaries without being the isolated recluse ive become in the past year.

so all that said, hi! you can call me abel or blue :) i work as a remote graphic designer/illustrator for a tea shop in seattle, and live in canada with my husband will and our cat mango cheesecake! im a weird gay stoner with AuDHD and my current obsession and all-encompassing special interest is my multimedia art therapy project called ELFWOOD, and im always working on it in some capacity at any given time. im also a nsfw artist that loves drawing queer porn and doing drugs so suggestive stuff and things relating to weed and psychedelics will be a big thing here. i hope to be brave enough to post art and project updates someday soon, but i want to make sure its something i want for myself and not because i want to rely on external validation. thank u for reading and sticking around if u choose to! if not, thats okay and i hope u have a lovely day anyway :)

[jamiesfootball]

After careful consideration and a lot of angry tags, I think I have pinpointed for me where Ted Lasso, especially season three, fails to succeed all the way at the themes it explores.

The narrative uses the deconstruction of toxic masculinity to paint their characters as being stronger for having let go of their preconceived notions of acceptable behavior - but the narrative also never lets their characters be weak or fragile without having toxic masculinity to blame. And there are a lot of situations in this show where you would expect someone to go ‘hey man, are you okay? Are you doing alright? because that was a shit thing that happened. it’s okay if you’re not okay.’

And it never does.

There’s an undercurrent in how scenes play out that suggests that the male characters should be strong enough to deal with hand they’ve been dealt. The narrative suggests that they’re the ones who need corrected. They can act better, but they can not be treated better themselves as a result. The male characters are allowed to express themselves, but they are not allowed to ask for anything back from the situation.

Which is why you can have a fight with your assistant coach, but when he comes back to apologize you don’t articulate how it made you feel. You don’t tell your friend how he hurt your feelings. You just accept it and move on.

The Diamond Dogs give advice on how to handle external problems with  emotional roots. They never discuss how they feel internally on its own merit.

The closest we got to a male character just having a bad one and expressing it without a clear source of external conflict? Jamie in the boot room. And that was played for laughs.

Which is why you could be in a deep depression over losing your career of twenty years and part of your mobility, I guess. But also maybe that’s a problem of you not being able to let go, and maybe you should apologize for not moving on sooner? We should pity Roy for getting so stuck in his own shit all the time. Not because the man has lived an incredibly stressful and emotionally isolated life in a high pressure environment for so long he doesn’t have the tools to deal with it, but because the narrative would like us to know if he just stopped getting in his own way all the time, this wouldn’t be a problem.

Is your ex-wife seeing someone else, who happens to also be the person who was your marriage counselor? I don’t know man, relationships are hard. Don’t worry about how hard that must have shaken your trust in a profession that already made you feel skittish. Maybe you should stop obsessing over her and move on.

Your girlfriend can tell all your friends and coworkers how you’re too smothering. Yes, this is the ‘learn how to communicate better’ show, but that was on you, really. Good on you for apologizing for smothering her.

The women may have worrying relationships with people who love bomb them or turn out to be controlling, but Jane and Beard are just a bit weird. Don’t worry about it, Higgins.

You can take accountability for your actions, but if it was your email who was hacked - who cares? You apologized, and everyone is very proud of you. We won’t ever bring up how incredibly mortifying that must have been for you to realize, because something more mortifying happened to someone else.

You can show your emotions, but not the angry ones, not the bad ones - those you should get a hold on, no matter how warranted they are. The stronger you are, the more divorced from toxic masculinity you are, the less those things should matter.

Struggling with your abusive dad and how his relationship with you has literally scared you so badly that you keep looking over your shoulder, afraid he’ll be there? That is clearly the anger talking. This is definitely not a situation that calls for your pseudo-father figure to put his hand on your shoulder, look you in the eye, and say, “i’m really sorry to hear that, son, but you know we got your back. Ain’t nothing bad gonna happen to you while we’re here.” 

No no, this is a you problem and you can correct it by forgiving that man who hurt you. In fact, you thank him for motivating you. It was the anger that got you this far. It wasn’t getting up at 4am every morning for extra training. It wasn’t your mentor, the one invested all his time in helping you. It wasn’t the coach who gave you a second chance when you blew your whole life up to get away from that man. It wasn’t your own drive and passion and love for the sport that pushed you towards succeeding in a career you only had a one-in-a-million chance of ever getting. No, it was the anger that carried you. You should let that go. And hey - what if hypothetically speaking, he might try to be better too one day? You can’t hold it against him. You should let that go too.

Breakdowns and displays of crying are fine, but expecting people to care or show concern afterwards? The narrative doesn’t know her. The narrative will not validate that. We don’t see what happened after Wembley. We don’t see what happened when Isaac came back to the locker room after blowing up. What the show will validate, however, is moving on. Just be a goldfish, or forgive and forget. 

And finally-

Embrace your feelings, but not too hard - you can’t be trusted with them, actually.

Can you imagine that we actually got a scene of Roy telling Jamie that he was worried if either of them pursued Keeley it might ruin their friendship? Can you imagine? From the beginning they have butted heads. From the beginning, Roy has struggled to actually articulate his feelings, especially to the people they involve. And here is Roy doing exactly what the narrative has been teaching him to do - he voiced a feeling that was bothering him to the person who was involved in the problem. Unprompted. He did that on his own. After three seasons of being told that is what he should do when he has a problem, that should have been the moment of narrative reward. That would have been the audience’s release of tension: they’re still at odds, they’re still the same bull-headed people they’ve always been, but they’ve learned to talk about it. No matter what happens next, at least, they’ve gotten this far.

Instead the narrative rewarded him, and us, by having them fight it out in a back alley. Because they’re idiots, and they can’t be trusted to handle their feelings without someone else in the narrative (Keeley) setting them straight.

Yes, people backslide in real life all the time. But when the narrative backslides at the very end of the story - that’s just nihilism. That’s what this felt like - all that progress and promise that you can be better, and two of the people who struggled the most tripped at the finish line. The audience don’t even get to see them pick back up. I mean they’re fine now, I guess. They went for kebabs. I have to assume it worked out. I guess after that they found a way to be happy, but I would have preferred to see them find a way to be happy by way of their own actions. Not in a fanfic. Not by way of imagining how it went afterwards. Not by what’s implied in a montage. By the story actually showing me they could get there on their own.

And the worst part about all of this is that when the show gets it right? It fucking sings. The team coming together to repair Ola’s? That sings. Ted’s ‘ain’t nobody in this room alone’ speech? Wonderful. Trent telling Colin that ‘some people need time to adjust; it’s not fair, but they do’? So delicately wielded, so painful. Beard’s speech to Nate about stealing a loaf of meth? Chef’s kiss. Ted forgiving Rebecca when he learns why she brought him to coach Richmond? The tears in his eyes when he tells her ‘divorce is hard’?

The hug at Wembley.

That’s what I wanted, from start to finale. When the show knew how to wield its empathy, it wielded it like a knife, cutting into the deepest parts of your heart.

Which is why when it does mess up, it hurts so much worse. Because by season three, the show has sunk so far into the deconstruction of things that it’s forgotten that what it fixed were not the only problems those characters ever faced. The show zoomed in too close on the themes. It forgot that at its roots, the its biggest strength has been its empathy. And that to me is where the show failed.

[tamelee]

Hi, what do you think sets SNS apart from other ships? I like lots of ships but after a time I kind of forget about them or don't care as much but I could never fully stop thinking about SNS. Funny it's not even an explicitly "cannon" ship as others.

Yeah, same for me! 😩

Because they are canon.

Well, fine. Technically, they are not considered canon due to a detached sequel that attempts to redefine their relationships. Now it’s canon that they’re married to women they’ve never felt love for, and some executive's niece wrote a trash novel to try and make it seem the original author had it all wrong, or they change the narrative for convenience sake. It's similar to following a recipe to bake bread, only to have someone mislabel it as an inflatable bike for funsies and profit.

But think about it: what about SNS is not canon?

Their bond, their journey, and everything that led up to that moment of reconciliation and hope is in fact explicitly canon. Both in text and sub-text. And if we’re talking romance specifically, the action shown in Kishimoto’s Manga and sacrifices they make for each other, go way beyond the mere declaration of “I love you." Many  things Naruto and Sasuke said to each other go hand in hand with an ‘I love you’ anyway—mutually.

It’s funnier knowing that Kishimoto did use such spoken, explicit declarations of “I love you” only with the intention to mock it or show how one-sided it was. That such words are rendered meaningless in a world that required these characters to explore what (personal) bonds meant in the first place. Naruto's words in VotE1 didn't yield the desired outcome, leading him to remain mostly silent during VotE2. That’s all with good reason. Alternatively, words are deemed unnecessary as per Naruto's belief that men express emotions without verbalizing, and Sasuke's view that they can understand each other's hearts through their fists. Or how Kishimoto decided to use a single page with no spoken words to show a mutual romance between Konan and Yahiko. Oh, and look at that; Kishimoto does know how to show romance when he wants to. Kushina and Minato didn’t need it; neither did Tsunade and Dan, nor did the romance in Kishimoto’s previous Manga.

We can delve deeper into Naruto's persuasive techniques, like 'talk-no-jutsu,' and question its effectiveness compared to his actions, as he also applied it to himself without significant results, right? Often, the words spoken by these characters didn’t even match how they truly felt anyway. Like Naruto trying to convince himself what's right for the people instead of what he wanted, or Sasuke during the reunion scene. That’s why context is so damn important.

And I could go on and on about this, tbh.

I believe it’s a mixture of their beautiful story as well as the passion to defend the authenticity that is SNS from external pressures like fan interpretations and industry expectations. I think it’s no wonder people go so hard to preserve Kishimoto’s original intent or, on the other hand, to try and disprove it.

For me... I have many ships that I like, but they’re just that: ships. And that’s fine, of course, but there is a difference. 

[absolutebl]

I kinda fell out of the BL game the last several months thanks to irl things, but I think I'm finally feeling like wading fully back in. I started with Love Syndrome III(only because @heretherebedork piqued my interest) and just finished Moonlight Chicken. What should I watch next? My limits are romanticized sexual assault, cheating, miscommunication as a main plot point, and no HEA. I could also do without a straight side couple, but I'd tolerate it if the main plot and couple are really good. Bonus points if there's a D/s dynamic, but that's not 100% necessary.

Thanks ❤️

Best of 2023 So Far?

Of course darling!

Hum last several months? Let's see...

Our Dating Sim (Viki) - if you haven't watched this it's a must. I actually handed out a 10/10. I NEVER do that. I can't tell you how much I loved this show (or have already rewatched it). It's a perfect short form KBL, an office set reunion romance featuring geeks that really suits 8 eps with no fluff and no chaff. Just comforting and yummy. Full review.

The New Employee (Viki) - just so good, SO QUEER, so soft, a near pitch perfect office BL with conflict derived from that setting. Also... Rainbow Rice Cakes and found fam and a lesbian bestie and all the goodness. My review is on MDL.

The Eighth Sense (Viki) - speaking of queer, this one is a bit rough (sticky and gritty), more in the Moonlight Chicken area. But very high quality, fabulous chemistry, and a remarkably complex offering for a KBL - think Blueming-esk but even better.

Unintentional Love Story (iQIYI) - @heretherebedork and I LOVED this one, but it is kinda hard to get hold of. I found the seme a bit stiff and reserved but Gongchan (who plays the uke) is a fucking GIFT. He has THE MOST expressive eyes, just drown in the emoting abyss. The external conflict tension and pressure is complex and excellent plus Korea gave us legit side dishes (NOT a love triangle, hally-fucking-luya). Review on MDL.

My School President (YouTube) - I adored this one! My favorite GMMTV offering in dog's age, and my new favorite pair GeminiFourth. It could have gotten a 10/10 from me but for too much singing. This is the side pair from Moonlight Chicken anchoring a high school BL full of the most teenage pining ever and it's GREAT.

All the Liquors (Viki, Gaga) - another KBL hitting hard and solid. This one is KBL-weird in the way of Tasty Florida or Behind Cut (which I've gotten used to, but is kinda a "type" now). It will wig you out if you have any baggage around alcohol. The logic behind the phobias are typically Asian romance qua? BUT it's still quite cute.

Never Let Me Go (YT) - of GMMTV handing out new series to established pairs this has been the most successful IMHO. PondPhuwin were about 10000x better in this than FUTS (and that's FUTS's fault, not theirs). It's typically Thai in that its a bit bloated and has a confusing plot, but at least it HAD a plot and the central relationship is solid and loyal. Their Our Skyy 2 follow up is also good. And very much adds to the cannon in a fun way rather than feeling superfluous - making this show ultimately 14 eps rather than the usual 12.

Bed Friend (YT, iQIYI, Gaga) - speaking of a bit bloated, this one derailed somewhat in plot for me (even at 10 eps) but NetJames really are glorious, and absolutely the hottest and the prettiest of 2023. Full of triggers for childhood abuse and sexual assault (backstory), but the main pair is very communication-heavy and based on a fuck buddy premise which has negotiation and everything, unique & fun to see. This is my high heat rec for the year so far, because the heat is PART OF THE PLOT and that's a gift we don't usually get. Review on MDL.

Between Us (iQIYI) - I'm still processing this one. I didn't have as high expectations as most but it was still a little disappointing. BounPrem are lovely of course, but somehow it just wasn't quite what I wanted. I did a watch along for this one so you can see me struggle. However, objectively, held up against other BLs? It's actually pretty darn good.

I hope some of these you haven't seen. None have romanticized sexual assault, cheating, or miscommunication as a main plot point (hum... maybe Between Us? Honestly I can't remember the plot points, it was all over the place), and all have HEA (this is me after all(.

[bird-inacage]

Love Sea: Fortpeat's Letters to Mahasamut & Tongrak (Q1 - Q10)

Here I go again into detective mode. I've been searching through the letters that the cast have written to their characters, to see what further hints are to be found on Mahasamut and Tongrak.

🌊 Maturity through Hardship

Mahasamut may be the younger of our two, but he's been through a lot. "Your life has never been easy", which indicates overcoming odds that are stacked against you. It's those life experiences that have led Mut to become very mature, someone who is both "reasonable" and "thoughtful". He can come across wiser than his years, to the surprise of those around him (including Fort himself apparently). He notes Mut's ability to "see through people's true nature", which alludes to insightfulness and a good judge of character. It could also mean the ability to see the good in someone, despite how they present. It's easy to forget his real age. Someone whose had to grow up too fast may need a support network that embraces his big kid at times.

🌊 Determination in Adversity

The fact that Mahasamut has already been through so much and continues to experience "heartache and body ache" during the series - which Fort playfully quips 'is that enough for you?' indicates a person whose is astonishingly resilient and welcomes tough trials. (I assume this is in reference to the BTS clips of him looking bruised). It takes real strength of character to constantly pick yourself back up, without becoming defeatist or jaded. To see these obstacles as opportunities rather than setbacks, something to take in your stride as best you can.

🌊 'Live, Laugh, Love': Being True to Yourself

Fort mentions Mahasamut's honesty and his humour. As cheesy as the above motto is, I do get the sense that Mut is a person who strives to live fully, passionately and freely. Who really values life and being his authentic self. And by all means, when you're dialled up to 100 all the time, you could be a lot for some people. Too much of a good thing may be what gets on Tongrak's nerves initially.

✍️ A Lonely Existence

One of the initial theories I made about Tongrak as a writer is that this could indicate a very solitary lifestyle. Peat mentions if Tongrak feels lonely because he lives alone in a big house. This could explain why he has flings, because he's trying to fill a void. Loneliness can be due external factors that are hard to control (such as your career or upbringing causing isolation), or internal (pushing others away or feeling like no one understands you).

Peat makes a point of saying Tongrak deserves to be cared for. He may deem himself undeserving through his own perception of self or via the judgement of others. Aya's letter to Kaimook also mentions that Tongrak needs someone like Mahasamut by his side, as she was running around taking care of him. This seems to imply he doesn't have many he can lean on or turn to.

✍️ A Guarded Façade

Peat mentions how nice it was to play a more relaxed and cute side to Tongrak. A side that clearly isn't privy to everyone. Tongrak may be a bit uptight but it's very likely that his confidence and assuredness is just a persona, and he needs to learn how to let those walls down once in a while. "Everyone can be weak sometimes" can be interpreted as Tongrak feeling ashamed of weakness, or being unable to project any vulnerability.

I think it's natural for creators and artists to seek a little validation. And with that is the pressure of meeting people's expectations, of proving yourself, of opening yourself up to criticism. Perhaps this is also why Tongrak seeks comfort in people finding him attractive. It might be the one characteristic he knows he'll receive guaranteed positive reinforcement for, but it's ultimately not because of who he is underneath.

THEORIES: DYNAMICS TO BE EXPLORED

Optimism vs Pessimism

It seems to me like one of the potential differences between them is Mahasamut's positivity (optimism) vs Tongrak's negativity (pessimism). I just get 'Why?' and 'Why not?' energy from these two. Mahasamut doesn't allow knocks to easily break his spirit or his ability to bounce back. And if we're being cliché, those who grow up in more rural surroundings, whose livelihoods rely on the elements can be more hardy because they've had to be. Whereas Tongrak seems much less secure emotionally. Peat specifically reassures Tongrak that he will get through the hard times even if he is struggling right now, which sounds like a rather disheartened mindset.

Preserving Spiritedness

I have a hunch that Mahasamut's boisterous nature will be what injects some much needed relief or liveliness that Tongrak may be missing in his life. And in response to that, it would be natural for Tongrak to develop a really protective streak over Mahasamut's rare brand of vivaciousness. This would also play into the age dynamic well.

[naisaspalace]

TAROT READING WHATS COMING TO ME AROUND MARCH?

<pick the pile with your moon sign or whichever you feel attracted towards>

<

pile 1 or water signs - cancer, scorpio and pisces

hii water signs i see that on the past you had a goal and you had the power to achieve such goal but instead you ended up not making a move and was left contemplating what you had achieve before i also see that you still have some kind of emotional trauma regarding this situation you had power to change and that might be why you choose to not make any move tho i believe that you dont appreciate much of what you currently have. now i see that you have this new begging and new opportunity and that is a new partnership but my advice is that you have to work with caution and dont focus on the end goal right now dont focus about the celebration focus on the work!! because thats what matters. for the future theres a new beginning to happen and a new journey and i am here to tell you to try your best to focus on the present even tho your emotions will be hurting please do your best and beware of impostor syndrome!!! okay you can do it please believe on yourself.

specifics : signs: cancer, capricorn , pisces , aquarius , scorpio , libra and sagittarius . planets: jupiter , mars , moon , sun , mercury and venus.

pile 2 or air signs - libra , aquarius and gemini.

ooh air signs this is going to be the biggest reading ive ever done before theres so much messages here and first i want to start by saying that i hope that all of you get better eventually okay now lets start (with the past first ) i see that some much has happened to yall like too much emotional trauma and betrayal and yet you are still here and honey i am here to tell you to remember how strong you are okay please remember okay secondly i am seeing that you got you are someone who is emotionally trapped within your limiting believes and thats why you found yourself between relationships that are not worthy of you at the same time due to both external and internal turbulence you are feeling confused and tired and emotional exhausted and i saw that feels pressured to get the approval of others and your decisions are made by your desired to feel this emotional need of approval and dear i know its not simple but we must approve ourselves and we must like us and its a hard thing to do when you are emotionally sad but this is the path to happiness start with little by little but start to love yourself okay. now with the current situation i see that things are shifting from a situation where you well you behaved without control and organization and lack of discipline and the cards are telling me that you must wait the divine timing for things to happen you must stop and wait and while you wait you must look inside yourself and trust tour intuition and work on embracing Vulnerability and start to look inside of you for the answers you seek to find, and start to lead your own life and destiny even tho you might have lost the energy or the desire to keep fighting because if you dont believe in yourself you will lose so many opportunities you need to make effort and search for something that can give you the desire to keep it going and you will need to make a extra effort to be able to move forward dear but thats life okay please dont give up because success takes so much time but everything will work out on the end. and now for the future i see that yes you are still have some struggles specially to manifest your desires because you are changing paths and trying to have discipline and you still have emotional immaturity but as i said before things take time please dont lose your hopes and focus and the necessity to change your thoughts try to meditate because your thoughts are the reason to everything you need to control your mind even tho there is so much pain and sorrow inside your mind you must face it and let yourself free and i also want to advice you to not take too many responsibilities think before making plans and promises dont take too much on yourself especially when you're feeling that emotionally hurt but this will eventually leave you to a better place where those pains are not longer with you and you'll be set free BEWARE to not talk without thinking and also dont act without thinking and also you need to find your inspiration to be able to achieve your goals my dear keep looking for it! but yes changes and progress are going to take time. you must decide what you want and how you want to be able to get the results you must let stuff go and unfortunately doesn't matter how much ambition and courage you have if you are not ready to move on then im sorry its only going to take more time you need hard work discipline and balance to achieve stuff.

specifics: signs: capricorn , taurus , cancer , gemini , libra , leo , scorpio , pisces, sagittarius , virgo , aquarius planets: mars , mercury , moon , venus , sun , jupiter , saturn

damn that was long.

pile 3 or earth signs - capricorn , virgo and taurus.

oh hi damn earth signs just like air signs there is too much going on here for yall so lets go. start with the past okay the cards are telling me that you faced a situation where you felt disconnected from your surroundings and from your social group that led you too feel like introverted and felt lost without knowing what to do because maybe you are someone who often rely on people to take the decisions from you and now that you're more quiet you feel afraid to take risks alone because you are someone who have problems controlling yourself and lack self direction therefore you decided to rely on others to life your life better or at least safe enough but that actually delayed your life for a while in fact for a way long time. now for the current situation i see that you might have stopped or at least is trying to stop to see if this can help the pain go away HOWERVER you need to really think through this whole situation because you often have a habit of running from your emotions and now its not a time for this and you need to rebuild yourself you need to become this new person this organized and disciplined person you need to be a better person to yourself even if you are feeling like you dont want to take this step solo after all this is a personal celebration so dont worry about others worry this change will be celebrated alone and in the right time because right now we are focus on the changes you have to make, good luck and dont give up keep strong and keep planting to see a better life growing for you. now for the future i see that well i see that for the beginning of the path you will still face blockage of manifestations because its only the start of your changes and i want to tell you that please dont give up there are times when times first start being bad to end up good later on and you need to face your fears because i see that you are scared of facing yourself and your life problems but theres not other solution okay thats how life is and i see that you might have to distance yourself from relationships because you will be facing a lot of mistrust issues but this situation will lead you to meat a new person who you will actually feel better with but dont worry i see that this time you will end up embracing the unknown and you actually feel better BUT i see that you will feel as if this person is manipulating you or this might just be something from your imagination therefore i highly recommend that you communicate with this person to fix things out in the end its all up to you how you will shape your reality because you have the necessary skills to make it happen and yes there will require hard work but dear everything requires hard work nowadays you need to use both your intelligence and emotions to give you a HUGE transformation that will be tough really tough and now its the time to use your amazing analytical skills and RESIST THE TEMPTATIONS resist them and WIN guarantee your future victory!!! create your better life by destroying what is bad for you face your fears and win thats your solution.

can also resonate with: signs: capricorn ,aquarius, pisces, [[Sagittarius]] , scorpio , gemini , aries ,cancer, libra, aries planets: mars, jupiter , mercury , saturn , moon , venus.

pile 4 or fire signs - aries , leo and sagittarius.

wow fire signs omg what happened with yall? like without a joke omg lets start wth the past okay i see that theres so many mixed emotions here and there was a lot of nightmares going on and a lot of turbulences especially regarding a partner there was this connection yet you were feeling without power and the was as a lot of illusions within this relationship but the problem was that you were resisting change and only going by faith and dear this lead you to nowhere because you needed to make a decision you need to make a move but you didnt and therefore you arrived at the defeat point therefore both of you decided to separe yet he ended up running to be more distant from you and then you started to balance yourself your life and found a place to be where you would heal yet you couldn't make a choice to leave this situation or to try again. and now i see that you're fighting with ambition to arrive at a better place now you have strenght and you feel strong enough but tough times are arriving and i want you to never lose faith on yourself again because this is all that you need to win and i am here to tell you that you need to focus on yourself only thats all you need to be doing and i know that right now you dont feel satisfied emotionally and i feel thats something that i will take a while to change so keep it strong and do the best to find a motivation. now for the future i see that unfortunately it will be a more of a difficult time with yall fire signs because yall like social life and to be around people but this will be a time where your mind will no be making the right choices and all that i see is that you must be alone and refusing to socialize until your mind is on the right place for you to protect yourself dont forget that you have this beautiful aura and that you are beautiful from within and please do everything u can to make the right choices fire signs good luck.

can also resonate with: signs: aquarius, scorpio , taurus, virgo , libra planets: sun, saturn , mercury , venus , mars.

thank you so much for reading i hope i was able to help someone.

linktree.

twitter.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Would I be the asshole if I tried to get back in touch with a friend who said he didn't want to talk to me anymore?

For a few years this guy was the closest friend I'd ever had. He moved to the city I lived in to study. We drifted apart slightly when I moved away, but stayed very close. I thought (and he claimed) that he told me everything, until at one point I found out from my family that he was dropping out of his degree and going back home due to a series of conflicts (with several disconnected people, including with my family, which was a conflict completely unrelated to me - he knew them separately from knowing me. I won't share the details of the argument for privacy reasons - I get that that might make it harder to judge but if I gave details someone who knows me irl might be able to guess and I'm a little paranoid about that. What I will say is that none of the conflicts were about anything extremely serious, and from an external perspective seem more like a buildup of pressure/unhappiness from him than anyone's fault). I was shocked he hadn't told me anything about this. He confirmed pretty much everything I'd heard when I asked him, and said he wanted us to stay friends as long as I didn't talk to the rest of my family about him or vice versa, but after the conversation where he said this, we didn't speak for months. After those months I reached out to him to return something I'd borrowed and he said that I didn't need to, and also that he'd prefer if I didn't keep talking to him because he associated me with a bad part of his life that he wanted to completely cut out all associations with. I was upset that he'd apparently changed his mind about us staying friends without saying anything, but accepted the decision. This was about three years ago, but I keep circling back to it. I've never made a friend as close again and really miss him. I've heard from other people that he's been doing well since, and it was a long time ago, so I imagine the negative emotional associations he has with me must have faded somewhat. I don't claim to have been a perfect friend but I'm pretty sure I wasn't a factor in the situation that caused all this since I wasn't even there at the time and no one reported that I'd been a factor. I keep wanting to message him to ask how things are now and, while I would accept us continuing to not be friends, I would like some closure on why he changed his mind about it without saying anything and whether there's anything he blames me for that he didn't tell me about. I know this would go against his request to not message him again, but the friendship ended so abruptly and confusingly that I have a hard time accepting it, and it's hard for me to imagine that his desire not to talk to me because of me being connected by association to a situation I had no participation in could last this long. If I tried to message him and he said he still didn't want to talk, I would definitely accept it this time. Would I be an asshole for sending the message?

What are these acronyms?

[roo-bastmoon]

Fractured and Adrift

I was going to write a big huge post with lots of screen shots and chart data and analysis that I'd saved on my phone, but honestly I'm too sick right now to sit up and organize all that. If you go on twitter, you see in real time what is happening, anyway.

Bottom lines:

it's very clear to me that ads, payola, pay to play, vpn and other "networking" tactics that go against what BTS has always been about have pretty much come into play--for a catchy, but ultimately impersonal and generic, pop single that was given to only one member.

I'm not just disappointed, I'm gutted. I don't know where to go from here, as someone who used to take pride in being an ARMY and stanning artists who made it to the top the organic and hard way, by being genuine and talented and real with us.

As always, I look to my ult-bias, Jimin. His debut album was abandoned the moment he hit #1, yet he continues on with this company and to be a team player. He was with JK on private time during a couple's holiday. He's been filmed with and is likely working on some sort of project with JK right now. These are my cues. So without any further information about what is happening, I will continue to follow Jimin's lead.

I am a person who believes in the potential and the very best of others until I just can't any more. But I also cannot hide from the glaringly obvious. Jimin was mistreated, and Jungkook was prioritized in ways I personally find dishonorable.

I don't know how much, if any, input JK had in this. He's got a Masters in Communications, a decade of industry experience, and owns stock in his company; but I also know that talent are very rarely given complete insight or say over sales and marketing strategies--that's external, executive business decisions. I don't know what conversations, trade-offs, or internal pressure came into play here.

At this point, I would say I'm very adrift.

I'm a good soldier. I bought the CD, I bought each version of the song, I added it to my playlists. But I no longer feel needed as a fan for Seven; I feel replaced by Scooter's dollars. And I don't feel any personal connection to this particular song, as catchy as it is. I was excited when the styles JK helped choose seemed to be an homage to Jimin's Face, but... now a lot of the elements of this work seem rushed and disjointed. I just don't know.

I'm very worried about what this rollout means for our 7, especially how they are supposed to come together in a fair and equitable way after military service. I'm trying to read through their book when I can stay awake long enough. Trying to trust and hope and manifest the best.

I wish there was more transparency, more communications around what the game plan is, and if the members are all on board with everything.

All I can think to do is to keep loving Jimin and the people who are good to Jimin, keep working hard for what I want and not invest energy and time into what I don't. I do believe that Jungkook and Jimin love one another.

But I'm... fracturing... inside. It hurts.

I'm very ill. Maybe I'm just too emotional right now because I'm so sickly. Maybe I just need more time and more data to have a more rational perspective.

All I can think to do is hang in there and wait to be more anchored in facts before I can decide what all this means--for Jikook, for BTS.

I'm sorry if this post isn't very coherent. I'm on a bunch of steroids until I can get to a specialist and the brain fog is immense. I'm gonna go rest now. I think I might stop posting memes and thirsts and other things for a bit, while I just focus on getting well. But I'm sending you all so much love.

Hang in there. Deep breaths. We will find our way. We will make our way, if necessary.

[justcantquinn]

okay, right, so, here's the thing...

i am scared of being intimate with someone. i want to, i really do, but i am scared. i mean, c'mon, i can't go seven years without sex purely by external factors. i haven't pursued it as aggressively as i could have.

i was only ever sexually active for a period of about six months when i was eighteen. i've never had sex with a girlfriend or partner, only ever with "friends." that is to say, people who i was not dating who i met through apps with the intention of beginning a sexual relationship. these people did not treat me very respectfully. they consistently violated my boundaries and had me do things i was uncomfortable with. this ranged from a girl who was so aggressive with me she nearly shattered my teeth when she would pull me in and forcibly kiss me to a girl who ~made~ me top her.

on top of this, i was on some pretty strong antidepressants at the time, so it's not even like i at least got to feel good out of it. essentially, sex was an uncomfortable and miserable experience for me. i have never had a positive sexual encounter nor have i ever had an encounter with someone who i felt was respectful towards me and my boundaries and treated me with care.

i lay in bed often and imagine being caressed. i imagine being held and cared for. i imagine not just "having sex" but well and truly making love, for however corny that sounds. i imagine my partner asking me if it's okay if she touches me a certain way, asking me if something feels good, stopping when i asked her to and checking to see if i'm okay. but i also sit and think about how hard it's going to be to open myself up in that way. i think about how much being vulnerable with somebody else scares me after i was done so dirty in the past. i worry about the pressure i'll put on everything and, if my partner finds out any of this, what kind of pressure they'll be under. i worry that they'll not want to be with me.

so, yeah. sorry. i just needed to get that off my chest.

[azrael-is-haunted]

I feel like I don't really have a right to speak on being chronically ill or in pain, because it's really only started to fuck me up severely in the past year, but I really need to talk about this. The worst thing that I've experienced with this is that nobody understands, even when they think they do. Nobody can see just how tired I am from fighting with my blanket to get it comfortable, or how much my hips and stomach hurt. Nobody can see the pain, or the fatigue, or the dizziness and nausea so it just isn't real to them. I would have to be in an accident for them to view this as valid. I would have to have visible problems for them to care or think that I might be struggling.

So, I just now live knowing that anything I can't do is viewed as laziness, or a lack of desire or motivation. I'm hungry, I don't have money, and you think I'm not motivated? I need to survive, I need to pay bills, all of that is motivation but if my body feels like I'm one step from the big sleep or like that would be easier and better, it's really hard to do the things that are expected of me. I suck at staying in touch, because explaining why I'm struggling every time somebody offers advice is exhausting. I have nothing positive to bring to any conversation right now, so I feel like I'm better off being quiet.

My organs hurt. I'm tired. Please just let me be tired without external pressure to feel bad for it. I feel bad enough.

[did-system-did]

I’ve been living alone for the first time in my life for about 5 months now and i wanted to share some things i learned as well as what im going to start trying to do to help myself

1. Time is Hard 🤓

Like, yeah duh, as a system ig it’s a no brainer. But i also don’t have a job right now, and i knew time blended together but it’s increasingly difficult to manage my time, be aware of time, and plan what i do with my time. i wake up, ???????????????, and then it’s night time.

This as been incredibly frustrating for me and lately i’ve been feeling pings of shame that i can’t function. I’ve tried buying a planner, i lose my planner or forget to write in it if i ever do find it. i’ve tried reminders on my phone, i read them and they don’t spark any sort of intention to complete….

WHAT IM TRYING

-Using a whiteboard on my fridge where i put down important things i MUST do

-Setting timers throughout the day to grab my attention. I’ll be starting with one every 2 hours and see how it works for me

2. There’s an Outside???

I cannot tell you the last time i’ve gone outside. I suspect this is connected to my childhood, as for years i was never allowed to leave my room unless it was time to eat or go to school. So now as an adult it’s difficult to even THINK about outside, what’s that?, my brain sees my house as the world and i can spent weeks without leaving the property. some days i feel proud to just go into the backyard

WHAT IM TRYING

-get into a routine of going into the backyard at the same time everyday, for me in the mornings to start. and as time goes on, trying to take more walks, then grow from there and take a drive to the park or something?

3. Chores

This has been the bane of my existence since it’s directly connected to my trauma. i find it difficult to complete household tasks without external pressure or threats, so it’s common for my space to get messy and i’ll have blindness to it all. i hate it.

WHAT IM TRYING

-I used to plan a day to clean every week, but quickly learned that my planner was not going to work for me. so i’ll be trying to clean as i go and not put so much pressure on myself to complete everything in day like i was doing before. Leaving my room? what can i take with me or put away before i go. Leaving the kitchen? what can i put away or wash before i go. i’m hoping this will help facilitate small accomplishments versus thinking i have to clean the whole house in a single day

4. Eating is Hard

i’ve lost an alarming amount of weight due to dissociating through hunger pings or overall not noticing when i should eat. this has started to affect my energy levels and sleep quality and i also suspect stems from my trauma

WHAT IM TRYING

-I’ve been battling this consistently to no avail so i’m finally scheduled to see a nutritionist next month bc with all the other struggles im facing, this particular issue has fell thru the cracks and i couldn’t manage it on my own.

-But i suppose the best thing i’ve tried is actually recognizing it as a problem instead of talking myself out of it by saying “i’m only fasting” when i knew in my heart it was deeper than that

Overall Update: it’s been a tough couple months, but i’m finally getting the ball rolling and the referrals scheduled. im still waiting to hear back for my mental health referrals but im feeling more hopeful about my journey and working on accepting my struggles instead of trying to pass as healthy.

[idontknowreallywhy]

WIP Wednesday

Turns out holiday with family does not provide as much time for writing as I thought… the lazing around is less focussed, more flitting between crossword and bits of 4 different fics I’m reading and the actual real life physical BOOK. Crikey, it’s been a weirdly long while since I picked up one of those.

However I was lying awake at 4am and that is a much more natural time for writing for me (apparently…) so… here’s something I’m working on which started as part of one thing then shifted into its own thing and is the beginning of a belated answer to the fabfivefeb prompt for Scott (because of course I’m trying to use them all because I’m a muppet). It’s super rough and a bit monologuey. And rough. I probably shouldn’t post it really. But might nudge me into writing some more as I’ll want to improve it as soon as I press post…

Anyway… an external POV of our young flyboy… would love your thoughts.

✈️✈️✈️✈️✈️✈️✈️✈️✈️✈️✈️✈️✈️✈️✈️✈️

Ashmore McKellar’s new wingman was a lunatic and was going to get them both killed.

And that wasn’t even the worst thing about him.

He sat at a quiet corner table nursing a single malt and impassively observed the cocky idiot cackling away with the rest of their unit, none of whom seemed to realise how annoying he was. Everything from the ludicrously immovable hair to the stupid blue sneakers via the childish necklace of wooden beads he seemed to never be without and… ugh and that incredibly irritating dimpled grin. Everything about the man set his teeth on edge.

He wasn’t glaring though - his poker face was always on point. The fact he was fantasising about burning a hole in the side of Tracy’s head should be externally invisible and so it was a shock that, when the man in question glanced up and caught his eye, the happy expression faltered slightly and a crinkle of uncertainty marred his perfect brow.

Oops.

Well it would probably do him good to know not everyone thought the sun shone out of his...

He shook himself slightly and dropped his gaze to the melting ice in his glass. This was not normal: laidback Ash was friends with everyone, to the extent it was sometimes bordering on a character flaw. People just didn’t tend to wind him up.

Ok, time to critically examine the unusually intense reaction… why was he being like this? Was he… jealous? Tracy was undeniably a hotshot, although with a reckless approach that was definitely going to cause trouble. He wasn’t the first of those, however and wouldn’t be the last. Ashmore had never been the best and that didn’t bother him. The skills that seemed to have come naturally to the others he had earned with hard work and constant repetition. He built up to things until he could do what was required. He calculated the parameters to the nth degree and approached every flight manoeuvre with scientific precision. His piloting was efficient and reliable and he got the job done. But this was undeniably rare in his profession and certainly this particular unit was chock full of showboating flyboys and flygirls with whom he got on just fine. So the fact Tracy was no different shouldn’t affect him.

Nor was it even the ridiculous antics that were definitely going to get them both killed… if someone didn’t throttle the guy first. No. It wasn’t that. He could deal with that.

He suppressed a sigh and downed the rest of his drink. It numbed his sore throat and the burn brought a temporary relief to the pressure in his sinuses. Maybe this was really just bad temperedness because he was coming down with something.

Perhaps the whisky brought clarity because suddenly he knew exactly what was going on. Because Ash’s sub-conscious had already figured out this working relationship was going to be deeply uncomfortable.

Earlier, a headache-ridden and slightly feverish Ashmore McKellar had told everyone he was absolutely Fine. And, as always, everyone had believed him… because they always did. His poker face was, as ever, on point.

Everyone except Scott Tracy, who had seen right through him with those freakishly blue eyes and had palmed him two paracetamol with a pointed eyebrow raise and not let him out of his sight all afternoon.

Damn him.

Nobody got past Ash’s “Fine”.

Nobody.

If Tracy could… then what else was he going to see?

[bizlybebo]

Because its on my mind Im sending this as a "Ramble about it here when you get to X episode" ask. When you finish the episodes titled black, white and grey please rant about them here. They are great and I want to see your opinions

hahaha. hi endy.

the staring at the wall evolved into falling asleep and randomly waking up at 4am, still processing these episodes.

i wrote down. some of my thoughts now having experienced the full thing and got kind of carried away with um. 1.4k words of rambling :3

it’s not even all i want to say but i. ough. fuck these episodes were so good but so. auugggh.

it’s like 5am now im posting this and gonna try to go back to sleep but. holy fucking SHIT when i get you bizly.

(i don’t at all expect you to read this behemoth of a ramble!! just. need to put this somewhere as well because my brain’s still exploding after these episodes)

When season two started I thought it marked a lot of stuff for, y’know, how the show was gonna get darker. I mean, episode one, people were getting killed by a chaos demon in that prison.

I was entirely expecting all the ugly, gory bits of season two to be… external shit. Stuff that other guys, the actual antagonists, did.

But William felt pressured in Black. And suddenly it sets off this chain reaction, and suddenly one of our protagonists is no longer doing heroic things. Suddenly William is effectively torturing a guy psychologically in an attempt to save thousands more with David’s medical research.

He fell into the crux of a lot of villains: “It’s for the greater good”.

There was no going back after he stabbed Tide with the syringe. Tide, who never even had his guard up around William because despite everything, he trusted him and had immeasurable faith in his boys.

White is probably my favorite and least favorite episode, simultaneously, to ever come out of jrwi. The emotional, symbolic, and hell, even cinematic effect it has is insane.

I could fucking scream forever about Willian’s actions in White. About Vyncent’s inactions and the way he was torn about everything— about the fact that in season one, Vyncent was the “violent” one.

But Mark and Dakota fucking hit me in the heart to an insane amount.

Dakota. MOTHERFUCKING. Cole.

I said this before, but:

It’s the fact that Dakota still has optimism. He still has hope, at the very least, that Mark can change; turn over a new leaf for his kid.

“I think he should turn over a new leaf, like, with a new hero name, like— Soundwave, or something.”

He still thinks, or at least thought, that Mark can change. This was after he saw what he did to Lightspeed. He saw the worst of Mark’s actions but he still had faith and hope that there was a good person in there.

This shows so much fucking growth for Dakota’s character. The entire development of his morals, especially over season 2, is insane.

But Mark tries to kill Dakota. Several times.

He shoots at him, unleashes hundreds of bullets, and even tries to stab him. He couldn’t predict that Dakota would be incorporeal, and yeah, sure, you could say that he didn’t know Dakota forfeited his powers (and even without him he’s still significantly stronger than other kids his age). But even with his powers, Dakota would still have taken significant damage from the attacks.

Dakota and Mark’s rivalry is something I could pick apart and think about every little piece of forever.

They both have overwhelming love for Ashe, but it manifests in different ways.

Mark says it himself, “I am what I have to be.” He’s bringing home his kid by any means necessary. Ashe doesn’t have to like him, she just has to be safe and alive.

Dakota’s entire screaming match with Mark is engraved into my brain forever. It felt so real to witness, and the emotion in it was insane.

Dakota’s entire proclamation gets me. He’s so well spoken throughout despite shaking with how angry he is.

“I have been killing myself trying to train hard enough to save her.”

“If you were doing this for Ashe you wouldn’t do things that she’d hate you for.” But Mark is what he has to be.

Dakota never stands down. He keeps getting back up, and back up, and back. Up. Okehrjwjr I’m actually going to start crying thinking about this again.

When he was searching for Lightspeed and following Wavelength’s tracks, he kept asking himself: What would William do? Because he had faith in William’s decision making and investigation.

But at the very same time, William was wondering what Dakota would think about what he’s done.

And GOD don’t get me started on William and his brother.

In a sick, twisted way, I loved their dynamic. I loved what it meant for William narratively when David congratulated his work of defeating Xavier, even calling him “little brother” as a term of endearment. I was on the edge of my seat for their entire conversation in the meeting room.

David gave William his first drink, like older brothers do. William tortured a man because of his brother. David had apple juice sitting on hand because their mother told him to, just in case William ever showed up. William wanted apple juice. He killed somebody.

Cantrip’s been FUCKING me up. I couldn’t even write the word “death” after her name. It doesn’t feel real.

This can’t be the same show in which Jade was sitting on Xavier’s shoulders during mario kart, nonchalantly offering no help as he fought for his life to win like. Second place.

I mean, Jade was such a candid and real character. She was a teenager, just like the rest of the Prime Defenders, and she tried to take a turn for better things after leaving the fighting ring. She went from villainy to vigilantism, and sure, her morals were kind of skewed with how she seemed pretty okay with Alan killing the Bell Tech employees, but her motives were good, in a sense.

(“It’s all for the greater good”. It’s the same thing William was thinking, except William was directly dirtying his hands by torturing Xavier, while Cantrip was just accepting that Alan killed some people.)

I think there’s something to say for how William creates a vision of Cantrip out of smoke, distorting her into some monster, and how that’s the last time we see her image at all before learning of the fact that she’s. Gone.

The last time we see the real Jade, she’s just trying to escape. She doesn’t even talk, if I remember correctly. She just tries to get out. She gets shot in the arm but still persists.

And William ends up being the one who pulls the trigger; who injects the memory loss shit into her blood.

He’s the one who kills her, despite not knowing it at the time.

And David still masquerades as an innocent man, going as far as to relax at his apartment with him and William’s parents as though the events of the previous night never happened.

It fucks me up how the last words that Will and David exchanged before the confrontation in the apartment was:

“Don’t turn into a supervillain while I’m gone.”

“You either.”

William was starting to believe that David was a guy with awful methods, but good intentions— and William felt as though he was the same way. He saw himself becoming David, but David manipulated him into thinking that, hey, it’s awful, but at least he wouldn’t be… alone, I guess, in being a horrible person.

William and David finally saw eye to eye on the worst thing.

And David. Still. Lied.

Lied by omission.

And Jade was the one who took the fall for William’s actions. Jade, the girl who made fun of William for his crush on Vyncent. Jade, who had a sister she cared about, even if she scoffed about her love of heroes— despite the implication that their parents died because of them (likely caught in crossfire or casualties of battle). Jade, who painted her nails and placed bets on William kissing Vyncent, saying he’d be too pussy to do so. Jade, who found herself in a fucking fighting arena of all places but still found friends through it.

Jade, who was the first one to trust William with her actual name instead of Cantrip.

William, who killed her.

And. Fucking Christ.

Vyncent’s monologue at the end of episode 33 just. Fucks me up.

For the entire greyscale series, he finds himself suspended in inaction, too scared to do the right thing and too scared to stop the wrong thing.

But he finally faces it. He looks at William, certainly with fear after knowing all that he’s done, and even still, Vyncent dances around the morality of the subject. He accepts if William wants to flat-out lie to Dakota’s face about what happened at Bell Tech, though he does warn him of the significant damage it’ll do to their friendship.

And when William asks Vyncent to leave the room at the end of the episode, Vyncent finally takes a leap and becomes no longer caught by his indecision between apathy and guilt.

He looks at William, thinking he’s on the edge of something he won’t come back from, and he takes his hand, and pulls Wlliam back from the metaphorical cliff’s edge. If William does fall, then they’re falling together.

His entire proclamation, starting with “I’ve had so many opportunities to do the right thing”, fucking guts me.

God I’ve been typing for like. An hour now but the greyscale series really fucked me up holy shit.

tldr: AAAAUUUUIGGHHHHKEKGKKSKVMEMGOOCU:$)&2’ynkejvjk4&3&582$2!:$?82&;&/&(929@,@2&(&2&&?EVIL EVIL EVIL GOD IS DEADDDDJGKRMHKSKKKKLLEKCKSJGJKSICIWKFMSKGIWIIIAI&383&5&?&?@39(92@?&&/8:7;&,£,]*+\+<*]¥<**]+<+¥sfkwkfkkwjfkI HATE EVERYTHING AOUUGGGHHHHHH OUUUUUUEHEHRHRHRJKGHRHRHRRRRRRR

i am emotionally attached to this media a normal amount