#but ive also been thinking and i love my aunt and my cousins i do but i think abt how i feel

[astro-inthestars]

Hi guess who feels like he just experienced 8 consecutive days in a matter of 2?

[wrdn-tabris]

ooooh my god

[rewrentless]

.

[cannibalisticskittles]

one of my coworkers asked if i had ever considered getting a tattoo of amity today and. for a moment i considered it, lmao.

but i am picky and also fickle. anything i get would need to be the absolute most perfect design that i am satisfied with forever or i would obsess over whatever i turned out to not like, and the lines and color would need to stay sharp and perfect forever and the moment that stopped being the case, i would start gnawing my skin off, i just know it. and those aren't really realistic expectations.

[pillowdrawz]

Ive been dragged into your au (Hamato's Umarekawari) kicking and screaming. The art is phenomenal. The oneshots brilliant. I dont know why i resisted for so long. I am converted. I must know more.

I got a couple questions tho! I think i missed the posts where you explained these. How did 18!Raph end up as the dad? Did no one else want them or did he look at them and his huge canon paternal instinct went "my babies now"? Why the names Ryu and Ryo? Do they know they're mutants or did everyone assume they were yokai? What does Umarekawari mean? Does Splinter love being a grandpa? Is Draxum there? What was their childhood like? Is April their aunt? Is Casey Jr there? Can you tell this au has consumed my thoughts?

Thts so many Questions I am willing to answer.

First you see The 2012 and 2003 Turtles where Reincarnated as baby turtles on a pet store then two oozequitos Bite them yes at the same time. The shop keeper Freak out and abandoned the baby boys. Rise Raph found them!. Yes Rise raph would be like "My sons now"

2003 Is named Ryu meaning is Dragon

2012 Raph aka Ryo meaning is Excellent,Succeed.

Splinter named this boys btw.

Donnie ran a few test and thats what they learn they are mutants.

Umarekawari meaning in japanese is Rebirth or Reincarnation.

Rise Splinter LOVED being a grandpa the twins loved him too.

Draxum is also there but also Big mama they are Grandparents. Big mama would let the boys (at 15yrs old watch at the battle nexus these twins love fighting yes they fought in the battle nexus not by force they wanted to fight)

Their Childhood Good 👍 (think of it as bluey and Bingo but more smacking /j) their Childhood is very fun loved it they enjoy to have fun. problem is the boys have a nightmares when they where little that makes them be so scared at Rise raph (Cough cough Slash/Hun). So rise raph wears a Mascot to hide his whole appearance a teddy bear Mascot. The kids like teddy bear Rise raph made them all the time when they want a new one. When Nightmares went away as they realized The Monsters from their Nightmares aka Slash and Hun are nothing like Rise raph. So they weren't scared of him anymore.(yes this was a reference to a movie i forgot what its called )

April their aunt? YES SHE IS A FUN AUNT

CASSANDRA? CHAOTIC AUNT EVER.

Casey Jr < Big Cousin/bro.

Also yes and thank you.

[be-the-glenn-to-my-maggie]

First of all, Happy birthday!

Second of all, this isn't an AU technically, but i been thinking of it for a good while.

You know how Na'vis can ive longer then Humans right?

I did some calculations, and na'vis life is like 200 normally meanwhile humans live for 80 years normally.

So I been thinking about, Spider living a full life, having a partner(human in this case) trough it and kids, and grandkids.

Then he dies, of crouse the Sully's and the Socorro's are devastated by it.

Spider dies when he's old, so meanwhile he kids and grandkids can "accept" it and go on with their life.

The Sully's are devasted (bonus if Spider doesn't appears when they connect to the tree).

They can't cope with that, with losing him so "young"

So out of pain, they slowly cut contacts with the family he formed. (Image the Sully's living in awa'tlu, and the Socorro's living in the forest).

This hurts the human family because they litteraly grew up calling Lo'ak, Kiri and Tuk "uncle" and "aunt" and their kids cousins.

But they respect the rapport and go on with their life.

In 200 years, there are (according to google) 8-9 generetions.

So they could have met again, during Mo'at funeral, when Spider's grandkids(3th generation) had grandkids (5th generation)

And even then, it was painful to do it, they just been cordial and all.

Also, a theory of mines, is that Humans during the years on Pandora evolved their lungs to naturally breath air.

So from generation 4 on, they breath air.

Jake dies, but before he died, he requested personally for Socorro's family to come the funeral.

They are invited to the funeral, everybody is confused on why, even Neytiri.

And i can't remove from my mind, the image of this teenager with his holding his toddler little sibling/cousin.

And when he comes into the Sully's marui, how everybody freezes because...damn

Apart from little difference (like: moles, lighter or darker skin, eye color) this 15 years old looks identical to Spider when he was that age.

It takes an hour for Kiri to start crying because of it, seriously, the way this teen acts, smiles, talks is so Spider.

Damn even Neytiri is emotional about it.

The four of them (Neytiri, Kiri, Lo'ak and Tuk) talk about the possibility of making the Socorro's family re enter their life.

But then, the family leaves again, goes back to the forest, to their life.

And the Sully's are their, knowing that they cant do anything about it, because in the end is their own doing that made this happen.

What do you think?

Thank you!! ❤️

Damn, I think that is suuuch a bittersweet concept.

I have been fully ignoring the idea of Spider dying so much sooner than everyone he knows, and in this story he would have a human family, which has always been a concept that's not my fav. This is one of the hugest reasons that I have to prefer an Eywa blessed or an Avatar Spider, because I can't stomach him dying so soon and even getting older and unable to move about his home like his friends and family can.

I do love the idea of the family being haunted by a younger version of Spider's relatives though, that's so sad and sweet and the start of a new era. I seriously can't imagine him having a human family though. Love love the idea of humans generationally evolving to breathe the air better though! I think that is absolutely likely.

[olfoartz]

Now thinking about it I shoulda replied to those comments will less words (so they could understand what I’m saying) and instead shoulda replied with “blud thinks I care” LMAO 😭 I honestly don’t care about hate comments towards me or my art but some times they get to me.

In the past when ever i showed people my drawings they had mixed feelings and it pissed me off.

The earliest i remember was before I actually starting drawing my stuff. I would color in color sheets. One time I had been coloring in a Bambi color sheet in our local silly park (I don’t live there anymore) and a person I had considered a friend-ish had come up to me and “oo that looks cool” or something like that. Her sister came outside and then she switched to “that looks horrible” and so I left the park. Before my mom died and I had to move in with my aunt and uncle I never colored infront of others besides my mom.

After the accident making me and my sister move into my aunt and uncles home I had started to draw my own stuff (8 yrs old, started drawing wolves) because I was just starting out my drawings obviously looked horrible.

My uncle would always say (even if he found my drawings laying around) “it looks like a pot belly pig” “that is anatomically incorrect” “why does it look like that” and let’s just say even today (16 going to be 17 in March) I practically never showed / show him my drawings anymore. And I make sure to keep them far away from him.

After was summer camp, at the time I loved drawing and fr couldn’t stop for some reason 😭 I had brought a book to a summer camp and showed some of the people I shared a cabin with. At the time I was trying more realism-ish stuff bc of what my uncle had said in the past. The people who saw my drawings all pointing at a part of one of my drawings closer to the back legs and asked “is that its penis?” A girl who had brains said “no.” Because IT WASNT A FUCKING PENIS. Now i draw alone and only post stuff online. Even my sister and cousins don’t like my drawings but thats bc they’re incredibly anti furry.

The only ppl that like my drawings are 4 ppl at my school, online friends and my followers. Technically without y’all and those other people I mentioned I would have already stopped drawing, so thank you to friends, followers, and ppl who like my posts / comment. It motivates me to still draw. Ive seen videos of people asking “would you still draw if it meant no one would see them?” No. Its not bc of the likes or views but it’s bc of motivation. It would also be pointless to do art if no one ever saw it imo.

[the-cat-and-the-birdie]

AHHHHH I LOVE MOCHE AND THE CONCEPT OF HER AND HER UNIVERSE IT'S SO CREATIVE AAAAH

also EIGHT BABIES??? MULTIPLE SETS OF TWINS + TRIPLETS YOU GO GIRL much tougher than I am

anyway I love her so much and I love ur mild miguel concept because THAT'S WHAT IVE BEEN SAYING

anyway that's my ramble luv ur blog

-🍋

THANK YOU SO MUCHHHHHHHH ahhhhHHHHHHHHH

Writing Moche scratches my history itch SO BADLY, and it makes me so happy to share my culture with other people. Because the Incas were DOPE

It makes me really really want to make a victorian era Spider-woman just so I can go history diving again (and model her after Bernadette Banner or something)

And I LOVE the idea of Miguel with a big family.

Context about me:

As an afro-latino, I grew up with a HUGE family in the same apartment. Growing up, I live in an apartment with my parents, my nana, an aunt, and two of my uncles. So, seven people. And this was not a big ass apartment it was three bedrooms. My grand-aunt and great grandmother also lived in the apartment above, so I was raised very communally. As was by dad and my nana. And I think it's SO enriching to have a community of adults to watch, teach, or listen to me. Plus it takes a lot of weight off the parents. I was raised alongside my cousin - and he didn't live with us but he was always there because it's free daycare. Just leave us with my nana or my aunt or my uncle or WHOEVER home. (When we moved out when I was 7 it was genuinely weird to me having only 2 other people around but now I'm use to it.)

I know Miguel doesn't have a good history family-wise, so I was like... 'I can't fix him but I can do something really wholesome'.

ANd I find the whole 'No daughters for you thing' SO FUNNY

Cause people love giving Miguel girls and I'm like...no no no...I'm not making it easy for him.

So like two twin boys. And if he tries again MORE TWIN BOYS. and if he tries again again THREE GIRLS ALL AT ONCE

Like even when Miguel gets what he wants the universe still messes with him

And also the idea of Miguel with like 8 teenagers in the house at once, I just think that's rich dlgjfkgfdklgj

The eight kids was mainly to mess with him. Stressed Dad Miguel

I guess the reason I like soft miguel so much is because he reminds me of my bosses

And I don't mean that in a bad way - I just mean Assistant Directors are stressed and tough as concrete which I LOVE. They're super blunt and orderly but they're the more attentive caring people ever.

BUT ANYWAY THANK YOU SO MUCH

[underbite]

hey. discussion and details of pet death including burial under the readmore.

this ones a long one. It's my blog and I can cry if I want tlo

And its.melodramatic. no its not shut up its sentimental. Man I have loved this cat since I was 6. She was born under my bed. What can you do. What can you do but publicly journal and document it on the internet foreever.

We said our goodbyes over the weekend as we realized she was only getting weaker.

I woke up at midnight for no reason and been up since then. Couldn't fall back asleep even if I tried, listened to music, had a good cry about it all, finally got to get some of the feelings out.

Called the vet and asked if we could come in earlier than scheduled, they told us they could see us "as soon as we needed" which was so wonderful and such a relief. They also allowed us to bring Blue along so he could see her body and understand she was gone. Wonderful, compassionate team. Even our vet teared up with us as she was administering the euthanasia at the end.

Mystery was already so lax even before she received the sedative. So out of it, so ready to be done. She hardly moved at all in the past 24 hours.

But for a moment, before the IV was in, as she was lying there on the table she stretched her arm out and reached with her paw spread wide for me and my mom, like she always used to do when she begged for head scratches. We were already softly crying and then that just tipped the water bucket over. Completely blind, weak, disoriented, she felt our breath, her whiskers touching our wrists and noses, she reached out! One last little "I love you. I want you [comfort]"

As the final shot went in I rubbed her chin, her cheek, her jaw, her favorite places to be scratched, and I was able to feel the softest subtlest purr as she faded away.

We cried, we kissed and pet her throughout the whole thing.

The vet gave us a box to transport her in. Brought Blue back home and kept Mystery in the box for about an hour where I sat on the floor and gently cleaned her fur, her dry cracked paws, the drool on her chin, the oil buildup on the parts she couldn't reach to groom... she was as soft as she was in her prime. I wrapped her in the towel we took her to the vet in. My mom kept saying how beautiful and peaceful she looked. She really did. She'll always be beautiful and sweet.

It was completely psychological but it almost felt like I could still feel her breathing when I put my hand on her side. All in my head. I kept expecting her to twitch or wiggle away when I cleaned her nose. Rigor mortis set in after about half an hour of grooming her. Being able to care for her body after she was gone really really really helped. Helped me process it all much easier. Like, "she's not in there anymore."

Months ago my aunt had kindly offered to let us bury her in her backyard when the time came. When we arrived she offered us food and drink, I hadn't eaten all day and we all caught up for a little bit until it was time to pick a spot to dig. My cousin and I chose a little spot where the soil was soft under some thin trees.

Digging took about an hour, half hour? Not sure. We chatted as we dug and genuinely had a nice time, or at least I did. For a few moments I felt like a kid with him again. You usually wouldn't expect to laugh with someone while digging a grave for a beloved pet. But that's probably the best case scenario.

We buried her wrapped in the towel along with flowers from my aunt's garden. Echinacea, mostly. My aunt chose a small statue of Saint Francis she had as a headstone.

I'm so tired. She really did look so beautiful. So sweet. Thought I was done crying for the night but I can feel my eyes stinging. I want to hold her. I didn't really think about the last time I would ever pick her up and hold her and the last time I would ever put her down. Walking out the door, cradling her in the passenger seat, waiting in the exam room.

God she was the best cat. She was the best. This demure, finicky, pretty little princess of a kitty with an incredibly ferocious feisty side. So dainty and regal and POWERFUL. Delicate and soft and sweet and lovey-dovey and loved to lick lick lick lick lick you all over your whole face and hands and give you head butts and stick you with her claws when you weren't giving her adequate attention, but also the baddest bitch of a cat I've ever met in my life.

I almost forgot to write this. Right after she died, she shed a single whisker. Of course I took it with me. I want to frame it with a letter written to her. Or at the very least, her name, birth and death date.

I miss her so bad already. I wish I could tell her "up up!" and feel her settle in on my lap. She was the best lap kitty as she got older.

I'm just happy she's at peace. I'm happy we got to bury her naturally the way we wanted. I'm happy she stayed with us for 16 years. I'm happy I ever had her.

[regnzz00]

dc superhero girls headcanons

hey there if you found this post, that must you really like this show and i do to

i have hyper fixated and maladaptive dreaming about this show since it came out (so like 4 years i need a life lol) so i have a lot of headcanons but some of them are so wacked that they dont make sense, so i will only put the ones that make sense and ill keep adding as time goes on, oh, and another thing to note is that i know nothing about the dc universe other than this show so idk

(also if you dont know what a headcanon is, its like something about a show or a movie or a book is canon or confirmed in your head but not in the actual show or movie or book or whatever, hope that makes sense)

~ kara is an alien (which makes sense cuz she is from another planet so she technically is)

~ since kara is from another planet, english probably doesnt exist there and the language of her planet probably different from all the other languages on earth so it would make it really hard for her to learn english, what im basically saying is that english isnt her first language

~ kara probably got some sort of ptsd from the hole she was stuck in for a bunch of years or what ever it was i think its the phantom zone but idk anything about that sooo, and on top of that she lost her mother and her home so that would make a source of her anger and emotional problems

welp these are the only ones that i have thought about and/or fucked or not relevant or about people gender and sexuality wise but its not my job to label people thats their job but i could add those idk (but ignore the label i just put on kara about her mental state shhh its an idea remember shhhh)

edit 2

ok i thought of more shit

also a lot of these are going to be about kara because shes the one i decided to latch onto 4 years ago so yeah

~ i find it really weird that the names on kryton are similar to the names on earth cuz like i said they are different planets so things would be totally different like the language and stuff, but for some reason the names are very english like kara, clark, laura (whatever the aunts name is) but names like zod and non arent traditional english names. so my headcanon is that kara and her cousin either chose or were given those names to be normal ig

~ zees mother probably cared about her a lot and she probably had a reason for leaving but her father keeps its from her

edit 3

i forgot to finish last edit oops

~ karen is more angst than she makes it out to be and kara is more sweet and innocent than she makes it out to be

~ being queer on kryton is like totally normalized

~ kara find babs absolutely beautiful, like not shes attracted to her or has a crush on her or anything, she just finds her extremely aesthetically pleasing to look at (no i dont ship these two, thats fine if you do tho)

~ kara is kinda the mom friend to garth, karen, and babs

~ kara doesnt know how old she is or when her birthday is cuz all planets rotate and revolve differently so i would think that years would be different there, i would think she is probably around 16 to 19, also wouldnt she be like older is she didnt go to the hole or whatever, idk the whole story about that

~ diana once asked kara to teach her krytonian so that kara would have someone to talk to (which is so sweet when i think about it), but its like really hard and it took kara forever to learn english and she is still learning it, but kara loved the offer

~ diana speaks a lot of languages (which im pretty sure is canon), she speaks greek (cuz shes from there), english (you know), (these are the most spoken languages of the world, according to google) mandarin chinese, hindi, spanish, french, arabic, russian, portuguese, german, hebrew, latin, and she is learning japanese so she can talk to tatsu (damn girl idk how she does it, miss try hard)

edit 4

so i know its been a while cuz ive been lazy lol

i also only have a few today

~ kara actually has a good singing voice, but she never portrays it

~ kara is also very musically talented and dabbles in many musical instruments

~ also kara is much more intelligent than she portrays, she just sucks at english and earth stuff (idk if i said this before)

[faaarawayyy]

16. interesting ass question

“if you’d grown up in a different environment, do you think you’d have turned out the same?”

oh wow. yeah this is VERY interesting hmmm….. im gonna take this three different ways. also im gonna get deep into this rn so

if i had grown up in a different family- which, for everyones perspective, i have a mom and a dad (who is chronically ill/disabled) and a year-younger brother who i live with. my mom is mexican, dad is american, so my brother and i are mexican-american. i think if i lived without any of these people there would already be an immediate difference. with only my dad and brother id probably be tougher, but not as happy. with only my mom and brother id be a bit more… not-tough? i guess? its hard to say whether i would be more content or less content than i am now. without my brother it is very easy to say i would be a very different, likely more unhappy person. turn my family into bigots and either which way that would be the same outcome, unhappy and feeling unsafe… yk, im queer, and i think i would be in any life. there is more of my family to take into account (grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins, etc) and things probably would change about me if they were different too, but theres so many different possibilities with that. i will say there is one specific younger cousin i have so much hope for- i love her dearly and care about her with all i have. our closeness is only separated by the fact we arent siblings, i think. i’m the oldest (non-step) cousin in my family, so there’s a lot that everyone looks up to me for. not having any of them, especially the one i just talked about, would be so… strange, i think. like a missing piece.

if i had grown up in a different irl community, then damn, theres so many possibilities about that too. different city, different state, different country, different views, different ideologies, so so so many things could be so different. i am glad i grew up where i did/am growing up where i am, though. i know amazing and awful people alike and i think thats just… what community is. you will know people you love and you will know people you hate. thats just the nature of people i think. i would not change it though. shoutout to you and my other irl friends on this site <33

and god, if id grown up in a different online community… lets say i never ever stumbled into wof amino (shudders), and things would be so, so, so different in ways i cant even describe. being present online taught me about so many things, mostly about all the many different kinds of people that live and breathe and love on this earth just like me. i was introduced to the queer community, the neurodivergent community, the furry community, three that i identify with so strongly, and countless other peoples, like disabled communities i never wouldve known about otherwise. its crazy to think how much knowledge the online community gave me. despite the bad experiences and the trauma and the hurt ive faced here, too, i cant say anything other than that i love it. its a big part of what shaped me into what i am today. it introduced me to some of my closest friends, my found family (hugest shoutout in the world to freak bin, you guys are my everything) who i consider a wonderful extension on top of who i already have, my biggest inspirations and idols, it helped me find my footing in becoming an artist, a writer, someday an animator, and it helped me discover who i am- this funky queer, neurodivergent girlthing that i am which i had been unable to even fathom or explain to my own self for so long- and for that i have so much love.

i love what i grew up with and all the amazing people with me. i really would be very different without it all.

[matrose]

hmm legolas for the ask game if you haven't done him already? or merry and pippin?

aaaah im so happy i finally got legolas :D thank you so much!!!! ❤️

legolas 🍃

Sexuality Headcanon: one of the few characters i can give a definite answer for!!! hes gay:)

Gender Headcanon: elm tree

A ship I have with said character: gimli!!!!!! legolas had his eyes set on that dwarf from lothlorien on. and he went and got him!!!

A BROTP I have with said character: i love the friendship moments between him and merry and pippin <3 like that moment when he and gimli went to wake up merry and spent time with him so he wouldnt feel too lonely…or when they went to visit merry and pippin at the houses of healing as soon as possible!!! and merry and pippin said that legolas shouldnt go 💔 waaaah

A NOTP I have with said character: aragorn…movie canon, fine i understand. i dont like it but i understand. but book canon?! legolas and aragorn have maybe two interactions!!! theres nothing!!!

A random headcanon: hes the baby of mirkwood!! two older siblings, a sister in law, an aunt, a mom and a dad, two grandmas and a grandpa!! ive been rolling the idea around in my head that he went to elrond without official leave from his father - thranduil wanted to keep everyone inside mirkwoods borders as the lands were getting more and more dangerous and didnt particularly want to send an envoy across the misty mountains that were crawling with orcs. legolas went anyway, partly because of typical. arielle reasons (i want to see more of the world dad!!!!!), partly because its the right thing to do, informing elrond and co of the escapeé. of course thranduil knows that they should send a message. but he values the lives of his people more than the exchange of information!!

General Opinion over said character: i like him so so much. i love him!!! smiling into the face of tragedy and escaping your sad ending by singing a happy song!!!! ❤️❤️❤️ i love him

merry 🧁

Sexuality Headcanon: uuuuuh uhm ummmmm bisexual king. preference for women mb?

Gender Headcanon: trans merry ‼️‼️‼️idk in which direction. its going somewhere!

A ship I have with said character: i think he and his wife can be so cute. estella :]

A BROTP I have with said character: he and pippin are legendary. i also love him and eowyn and him and theoden!!!! and treebeard…and frodo…and fredegar… and sam and and and!!! love and friendship all around

A NOTP I have with said character: ive seen some people ship him and pippin romantically which i think is strange. dont like that

A random headcanon: his wife estella is a painter! it gets merry (lover of categorization) interested in pigments and he writes a book about dyes and pigments, the biggest on that topic in the entire third age<3 also im a big friend of glasses merry!

General Opinion over said character: i like him a lot!!!! my special hobbit friend:)))

pippin 🎆

Sexuality Headcanon: i have literally never in my life thought about this

Gender Headcanon: he lost it 🤷

A ship I have with said character: his wife i guess…

A BROTP I have with said character: bergil!!!! and beregond!!! really cute moments there!! also whatevers going on with gandalf and pippin is so funny

A NOTP I have with said character: what i said for merry

A random headcanon: diamond of long cleeve, his wife, is from a family of hobbits closely associated with dwarves from the blue mountains, hence the themed name (i just know hobbits love doing that). they used to do quite a lot of business with them! but it died down when most dwarves left for erebor. so he and his wife plus some extended family that misses dwarven company eventually travel to visit gimli in aglarond, with some of diamonds aunts/uncles/cousins with a love for mining even staying there :)) since that was more about diamond than pippon heres another one for him: he grows his hair long after the war of the ring ❤️

General Opinion over said character: my boy!!! special and silly <3

[thewickerking]

i think its a bit silly (awful. its awful) that as i stsrt focusing on planning to connect with family (my salvadoran family as well as my dads family on the other side of the country) the family i actually have access to falls apart. there used to be seven people in my house and now there are four. none of those three are better off they are mostly worse and im terrified that none of these three children are going to be able to avoid living horrible lives. i don't think theres a future where my brother lives past 20 something and also doesnt go to jail. i genuinely cant see anything that stops either of those things from happening and its horrible. my aunt is testifying against my mother in court and my grandmother learned people were going to take my cousins away from my mother and she ran without a word and wont stop calling my mother to whine about how hard she has it. My mom isnt answering her calls. my moms bfs family has been shittalking behind our backs and something. really fucking shitty they did has come to light (will not elaborate) im just. exhausted. i want to connect with family and with my cousins living with us that was happening and fuck. fuck. just. they were loved. so so much here and they can never come back and it doesnt matter whats fair or right or just and fuck. my dog is scared of fireworks and she stayed in the room my cousins were in because she loved spending time with them. my sisters favorite word is the name of one of my cousins and they dont get it. they dont get that theyre never coming back. fuck. it feels like theres no light at the end of the tunnel. i cant even imagine recovery from what happened this weekend and i wasnt around for any of it until today. normally i can imagine myself a month after something bad happens and know itll get better but i do think it only gets worse from here. obviously it will get better for me personally im going to college and im excited but i genuinely cant think of anything in the world that would break my mother more thwn whats happened. i literally think my brother dying would've been easier to handle than this. and i doooont want to specify too much bc personal details and like. one of the worst things thats ever happening to my family rn and no one knows what to do other than what weve done already which is a short term solution to a very long term problem. i cant do anything and i cant even be reassured someone else is doing something i cant because no one knows what to do and my mom hasnt even told everyone yet. we had aquarium tickets. wild waves tickets. they were signed up for summer camps. we were doing everything and now theyre with strangers and are probably going to slowly enter a downward spiral of life repeating the cycle of my shitty fucking family and any attempts on our end to rescue them from that were fruitless. fuck. at least we vaccinated them. thats literally all i can say. anyways im going to bed ive been crying all day and i have work tomorrow

[am3ricanj3sus]

5/4

tired, sick and tired. i dont want to be in this town anymore. its pissing me off. i just want to leave. ik that ill miss it when im gone but i need to leave.

i hate school. i hate it so much. all the work and people. they always piss me off. like fuck just shut the hell up. i just hate being somewhere that i cant be myself.

i dislike people in my family greatly most the time. they always have something to say about anything and its just so. like why are you bringing that up. it doesnt matter!!!

i also dont know how to feel about this. my cousin is going to a college that ive always wanted to go to. and cool cool whatever its a public college, but why? the college is where my aunt lives and my family (me, mom, dad and brother) visited them in 2014 for the first time and i just knew that i wanted to go there one day. so yk whenever ive thought of colleges its always that one. ive always thought of what it would be like to go there and learn and party and just experience life over there. and now my cousins doing that, and i dont like it.

now dont get me wrong, i love my cousin. she was my best friend growing up most the time and we hung out a lot. in 2022 we took a trip to my aunts house with my mom and brother and she really liked it. and i love that she did! like if shes in college then she can show me around when i go! so yk when the time came and she was applying to colleges, ik that if she was accepted that she would choose it. and she did! shes attending in the fall and her jc graduation party is this month. our familys gonna be there and thats when the problem comes in.

my tia (whos not my aunt but we just call her tia yk, mexican things) shes gonna be there and well we dont have the best relationship. shes been nasty towards my aunt her whole life and has been with my mom recently. and yk ik shes family, but messing around with my mama and aunt not gonna fly. and ik that there'll be some judgement towards me.

ik she'll ask me at the party "oh where do you think you want to go?" and ik if i say the college she'll say "oh with youre cousin..." die. die die. NO NOT WITH HER!!! IM GOING ON MY OWN!! WE R NOT GRADUATING TOGETHER SO NO NOT WITH HER!!! and i dont want them to be like "oh well excuse me!" and have my cousin be upset at me. so yk ill be like "yep with her!" but its like. UGHHHHHH.

ive always wanted to go there. i dont want her to be brought up when talking about my future. and im not gonna act like this at my cousins grad party. god no im not a monster. but its like. pls js UGHHHHH

so its like over all im not upset my cousin choose this college, just mad at how my family will act and be like "oh you two together!" and its like no. we'll both be there. but we're not together. we're doing two diffrent things and i dont want to be grouped with her.

maybe im selfish for feeling like this. but i dont want to be grouped with someone that ive been grouped with most my life.

i’m just so tired of everyone. people r trying to plan hangouts with me and I love my friends to death but i’m so tired. and it’s like I don’t want to be mean cause there’s times when i’m busy, so I can’t do it but there’s other times where i’m just tired. and I feel so bad. cause I miss them. i’m just gonna be bunched up with people for a month nonstop and I don’t want to do that now.

being with them makes me so happy. like the sleepovers and js hanging out is fun but I come home and I just want to like claw my eyes out.

also sometimes i feel like i’m using people. I talk about myself and a lot and I js feel selfish. like what the butt. maybe i’m just. idk.

i’m so sleeps. so I sleep now.

[the-100th-witch]

wait im back to complain about my brain

i guess my cousin is stopping by?? which i mean no issue there i love my cousins but my anxiety is through the fucking roof bc idk ever since ive been house sitting this year i just expect that no one is coming by lol

and it's not like im DOING anything, im literally just chilling and working on shit but my brain is like "YOU ARENT SUPPOSE TO BE HERE!"

Rational part of me: "but they paid me to house/pet sit and their family and i like them so like why am i freaking out??"

Brain: "DOESN'T MATTER YOU WILL NOW BE ANXIOUS WITH THIS, FUCK YOU"

fuck dude leave me alone ToT

my aunt said that he'll text me and it sounds like he might just be coming by to pick something up (bc then why pay me to house/pet sit this weekend?) but my anxiety is flipping out. I also am kinda antisocial today (could be bc im gonna start my period anytime soon) and i dont wanna sit and talk. That could be the root of it? Idk but now im all thrown off. Guess ill just ignore it and power through it.

He could also not show up (aunt kinda put it in a way that he might not) which i mean then my anxiety will also be "WHEN WILL HE SHOW UP QUICK CLEAN THE HOUSE?!" but i didn't even dirty the house but thats just how my brain/anxiety works i guess. Im already exhausted.

2024 im gonna finally just get a random ass job. Not that i was opposed to it but i wanted to get my personal shit together before I attempted a job search and it's time. My teeth are about finished with all that, my mental health is improving, and i got somewhat of a plan so i dont feel like im settling. And I can just stop accepting house/pet sitting jobs if i got a job (or at least not take so many or each month lol). Been kinda getting tired of it anyways (not like it's hard but idk i think like any job, after a year of the same thing it gets old). Every other month is fine but every month is hard on my schedule and brain.

[highschool-rooftop]

oct. 27th, 2020

man its weird to think this blog is 2 years old isnt it? like when I started this i thought that i was anyday from just killing myself, i had no hope, no job, and was about to love my living situation but thanks to a few nice friends and accepting people, i was able to land a job at *generic sounding name for local seafood joint* and then after that place stressing me to the point of panic attacks and taking it out on the wait staff... then i ended things nice with that place despite how much i hated it and i apologized to the wait staff alot.. probably too much...

now ive worked at *big store chain* a year now and i hate it just as much as i hated *generic sounding name for local seafood joint* for a similar reason too!! i fucking despite the people that run the places i work because i know i could probably do their job 30× better, i just choose not to because thats also 30× more responsibility on my shoulders and ive already got broken legs from the shit i feel like im dealing with outside of work.

the more i focus for a minute the more i feel like my life is in shambles and that im barely functioning right anymore. ive been horribly depressed again as of the past couple months and my family i live with barely talk to me because im always in my room which is like totally fair, but if im not sleeping up there im using whatever energy is left from work to hang out with my friends because theyre actually engaged in the topics i talk about, they show interest and actually talk to me not at me. my aunt and uncle and i have few interests in common so its incredibly difficult for me to keep a conversation going for long with them. theyre always playing card games or board games but im not interested in them, theyre not really that fun for me. my uncle plays xbox but hes typically on COD which i dont enjoy because of how toxic those communities are, hes got minecraft but the last time he played he never told me he was getting on at all otherwise i would've joined! then theres me and my cousin who are currently on nearly completely different schedules and really only see each other when hes taking me to and from work which makes it hard to hang out and play games, and thats of hes even willing to play any of the games im comfortable with and not trying another Survival-Crafting-RPG-Game of the week or something like factorio which is hyper complicated and i dont have the time to dedicate to learning how to play correctly so i just end up being a resource collector and its kinda boring..

and all of thats just the at home situation. my friends at least hear from me more but since alot of them have moved out of town for college at this point i haven't hung out with a friend outside of work irl in like 5, maybe 6 months... and i dont interact with many people at work. im really really lonely.

small bit of good news i feel i should add here in case i dont come back again for a few months is that ive scheduled an appointment to see someone abt getting hrt, itll be Jan 19th! ill also be seeing a few of my online friends in December too!! i hope i can stay alive at least until then. sometimes i feel like im in the same situation i was in when i started this blog but those two things are the two things giving me the hope to keep pushing on i guess.

oh and my old friends birthday will be this weekend, i probably shouldve just forgotten them by now like they probably have me but in the off chance that they ever find this stupid blog: happy birthday BXXXXX, hope you have been in good health and that you are happy ! please be well and enjoy Freddy VS Jason and the Scary Godmother, and the live action Scooby Doo movies again this year !

with that i think thats all ive had to say. im neglecting mentioning new speaker of the house, Mike Johnson, and all the terrible horrible things i want to say abt him and how im worried it will fuck with my healthcare before i even recieve it due to the fact that im typing this up outside, its cold out, my phones almost dead, im tired, and i still have a bit of this bowl of the married iguanas to finish up with before unwinding and going to bed to repeat this living nightmare of a life all over again tomorrow. maybe ill watch adventure time before bed ..?