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iyatsumu · 4 years

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It’s Not All Games; Kenma Kozume

Genre: Fluff, Arcade Date

Word Count: 4.3K

Author’s Note: Hi everyone! This is my first Haikyuu oneshot and I hope you will support my work and future ones. I’ve only recently watched it (I know pretty late right?) and I’m already in love with the series. This was definitely a tricky story to write especially since it was only requested and I’m not a person that goes to arcades so I was not sure about things that happen in arcades. I hope you enjoy my oneshots! See you in the next one :))

"Everyone make sure to rest well this weekend and enjoy the day. We'll return to vigorous training starting next week since we have friendly match against Furokodani Academy. Don't take this game lightly for we all know their members enjoy a challenging game, especially Bokuto Koutarou. So, I want everyone to be in their best shapes by then. Dismissed." Another tired sigh left Kenma's lips as he stuffs his jersey that reeked of sweat and drenched towels into a specific compartment in his gym bag. Sticking his hand into a smaller zipper, he pulls out his Nintendo Switch and starts playing another video game. "Kenma, how are things with you and Y/N?" Kuroo, their captain asked as he slung his bag over his shoulders, a curious grin played on his lips. Kenma glances up to take a glimpse of his senior's grin and focuses back to his game, giving Kuroo a small nod as an answer. Clearly annoyed at the dullness of his friend, Tetsurou grabs the gadget and switches it off. Nothing changed in Kenma's expression as he stared at his captain dead in the eyes, void of any emotions. Grabbing the gadget from Tetsurou, he stuffs it back into his bag and simply hangs his head low as the other break into conversations. "Do you even go out on dates?" Taketora asks as he snakes his arm over Kenma's shoulders. "Dates?" Kenma asked softly, his voice almost inaudible. Taketora then nods, waiting for his friend's reply. "Uh, she travels to Nerima to watch some practice games from time to time." Kenma answers and the rest of the group stare at the boy in disbelief. Kuroo smacks the back of Kenma's head as he walks in front of the group. "That is not a date Kenma. Does Y/N even have reassurance that you like her? It seems as if she's more of a fan than your girlfriend if she has to travel to our school to see you." The older boy says and the rest agrees. "So?" At that moment, Tetsurou simply wanted to pummel the younger boy into a pulp. "Seriously Kenma? Do you actually like Y/N?" Taketora asks as the group finally exits the school gates. Kenma Kozume was a very dull person. He was somewhat emotionless, he shows no reactions, despite being in pain or facing difficulties, Kenma would never show any signs of weakness. You knew getting into a relationship would be hard, however you were willing to risk it for Kenma. You first met during a tournament in middle school. Kenma was your schoolmate, he was a year older and was a part of the boys’ volleyball team while you were a freshman and the spiker of the girls’ volleyball team. Both of you would often bump into each other since the school did not have enough space for separate courts to cater both teams. There were times where both coaches had to agree on schedules for the court, but when tournaments are around the corner, both teams had to adjust and practice together.

During these games, Kenma would often be the setter while you were one of the spikers. Both coaches believed that both of you had a great combination, with Kenma's tactical style of play and your accurate ball placements and powerful spikes, the duo was nigh on perfect. However, that was all that you were to each other. Partners during combined practices. Outside the court, Kenma and you never talked or even paid attention to each other. You moved to Furokodani Academy at the start of high school while Kenma transferred to Nekoma so both of you drifted apart. Not until you met during another tournament last year. Another fact about you is that, the reason you were a well-known spiker in the women's division was because you were Y/N Koutarou, the younger sister of Bokuto Koutarou, one of the Top 5 players in Japan. Since you were young, Bokuto would always drag you into mini challenges to know who was the better spiker, of course with the help of your mother acting as setter for both of you. Obviously, Bokuto would always win, he was a natural at it. However, that never bothered you, because after all that, Bokuto would encourage and help you improve yourself. With that, you have become one of the most fearsome spikers in the prefecture and claimed the position of team 'Ace' despite only being a freshman.

___ Wiping the sweat that dripped from your forehead, you grab your water bottle and chug the remaining contents as the captain gave out assignments for the cleanup of today's practice. It was finally Friday, and practice had just ended. You started packing after placing all the balls back into the cart and pushing it into the storage room. From outside the club's room, you could hear your obnoxious brother's voice. "Y/N! Y/N, hurry. I have news!" You groan and turn to face your groupmates, bowing and saying your goodbye as you grabbed your bag and walked out the room. Bokuto was jumping up and down as he anticipated you to ask him what he wanted to say. "What do you want?" You asked as both of you walked out the school campus. "Our coach arranged a friendly match with Nekoma High. It's 2 weeks from now. Do you want to come with us? Watch me beat them and get Tetsurou to buy me a big bowl of ramen." He says excitedly, a devilish laugh following after. Bokuto may be one of the top players in Japan, but to you, he was a joke. Your brother had the mind of a 9-year-old boy with the body structure of a 20-year-old guy. Bokuto was buff with wide shoulders, but don't let his physical appearance fool you, he was the type of person to scream "mommy" on a Ferris wheel. "Good luck getting through Tetsurou's blocks. That guy is an amazing blocker with good judgement." You teased and Bokuto tensed up. He hated it when someone looked down on his talents, especially his spikes. "Y/N, Kuroo has nothing on my spikes. Besides, I too, am pretty smart." With that, you laughed loudly, Bokuto clearly confused with your sudden burst of laughter. "Don't make me laugh Bokuto. Tetsurou is an amazing blocker and captain, getting through him will be tougher than you think it is." You pointed out and grabbed your phone that was buzzing in your pocket. "You're probably just salty because I'm going to beat your precious boy, Kenma." Bokuto spat and you could feel your cheeks burn. Kenma and you were always the low-profile kind of relationship. Sure, you were official, however it was never a big deal to let the world know about the relationship. So far, only his team members know, courtesy to Kuroo Tetsurou for screaming it out loud during a practice and of course Bokuto and Akaashi. Not even your teammates knew about it, simply because you didn't want them geeking out about it. "Y/N?" It was a message from Kenma. Surprised was written all over your face, Kenma Kozume was never the type to send a message first. Usually, you would be the one to send a message after practice to talk about your day, but this was definitely new. You typed in your reply as you and Bokuto got into the bus to head back home. It was Saturday tomorrow so you could rest a lot when you finally got back. The Inter High Preliminaries ended a few weeks back and of course, both teams from Furokodani made it in. "Tetsurou forced me to ask you to go out tomorrow. If you're free." Your heart did mini backflips as you read the message. It's been a few weeks since you last saw Kenma. He invited you to have lunch with him and his friends after their match during the preliminaries, which they obviously won. "Sure, I'll message you when you arrive home." With that, you let out a pleased sigh and relax on the seat, closing your eyes to find comfort in the quiet bus. ___ After dinner, you immediately went into your room and got comfortable in the bed. Grabbing your phone, you typed in a message and sent it to Kenma. "I was wondering if you'd like to meet in Shinjuku? We can have some lunch and maybe visit my favorite arcade?" This was another thing that you absolutely loved about Kenma. He was a very simple person and it didn't take much to please him. Games and some sweet words from you would melt his heart. Kenma Kozume may seem like someone who was not into this relationship thing, he gives off vibes that may be misinterpreted as uninterested or dry, but Kenma was the opposite of that. He tries to be open about his emotions and lets you in mind from time to time. It took a few months before he was comfortable enough to let you in his mind, but the wait was worth it. For deep inside, Kenma was simply a little baby. He loved talking about his games with you, he enjoyed practicing your spikes with his tosses, and he absolutely adored it when you would borrow his gaming devices to try and beat his high scores. As months passed, Kenma slowly opened up to you about every little thing in his mind, he was no longer the dry Kozume that you met in middle school. "I think that sounds great Kenma. I'll see you tomorrow then?" You asked and he replied with a simple yes. The conversation went from there, as he talked about how he got annoyed by Taketora and Tetsurou constantly arguing during practice. It was almost midnight when Kenma finally decided he was sleepy and that you should rest too. So, with that, he messaged you goodnight and headed to bed. You smiled at his message and replied with the same one, switching off the phone and setting it aside. ___ The sound of numerous text messages woke Kenma up from his peaceful sleep. Grabbing his phone, he squinted at the device to make out the name "Captain" on his screen. It was Kuroo Tetsurou. "Hey, don't you have a date with Y/N?" "It's already 10." "You're going to be late." "You have to wait for her in Shinjuku you know?" "Kenma!" "Yeah Y/N is going to break up with you. Goodluck." Kenma sighed as he switched the device off and got out of bed. Hopping into the shower, Kenma washed up as quick as he could in order to catch the bus and not keep you waiting at the station. He wore a simple white t-shirt, grey sweatpants and an oversized black hoodie over his t-shirt. Kenma’s fashion style was always a casual and comfortable one, unlike Tetsurou who tends to wear blazers and chukka boots to bring out his classy persona. After sending you a message that he was on his way to Shinjuku, Kenma exits the house and walks towards the closest bus stop, which was about 3 minutes away from their house. He pulls out his earphones and plugs it into his gaming device, entering a new level as he makes his way towards the stop. You on the other hand was already on a bus headed for Shinjuku, although it would take you a few more minutes to arrive since you came from Edogawa, compared to Kenma who would probably come from Nerima. Focusing on the road ahead, you tap on the next song as you adjusted your earphones. It would take another 15 to 20 minutes before you would arrive in Shinjuku so you decided to relax in the bus. ___ Finally stepping out of the bus, Kenma pulled out his phone and sent you a message, indicating that he was already in Shinjuku. He said he would be waiting for you in one of the benches so you simply needed to send him a message if you've already arrived. You read his message and replied with a simple 'okay' as you adjusted the strap of your mini backpack. Based on the road, you were already close to the station so you prepared to leave. You were obviously excited to spend the day with Kenma, you couldn't even get the thought out of your mind when he asked you out last night. "Hey, how was the ride?" Kenma greeted the moment you stepped out of the bus. He was already waiting by the exit door of the bus when it pulled up in front of him. You smiled and nodded at him, indicating that it was pretty good. Kenma holds out his hand in front of you and you placed your hand atop his, he then intertwines your fingers and both of you walk towards one of the nearest shopping malls in Shinjuku. Both of you agreed to have some lunch first before heading to the arcade. Spotting a small booth by the windows, you tugged Kenma towards it and both of you got seated as a waiter follows after with the menus. You were in a small cozy restaurant in one of the malls of Shinjuku. "What do you want to have?" You asked Kenma as he looks through the menu. You had already decided on a bowl of Tonkotsu ramen and some green tea soda. It may not seem like it, but Kenma can eat a lot depending on his mood so you were anticipating his orders. "Maybe some rice with curry, two servings of tempura, miso soup and I'll also have a green tea soda." If you look at Kenma, that meal would probably be too much for him, however aside from games, Kenma also loved food, so you nodded happily and repeated your orders to the waiter. "How's your practice in school? You didn't tell me about its last night." Kenma initiated the conversation and you laughed. Due to being too exhausted last night, you weren't able to talk about your day. It was mostly Kenma doing the talking while you listened and tried not to fall asleep. "It's good. Our captain, Maki is still torn on what to do with Sara." You groaned, your mind wandering to the outburst of Maki yesterday. It was like any normal day in practice, the two of them could never get along with each other. Maki was the team captain and right-side spiker while Sara was the regular setter. They've been playing for 2 years but Maki could still not keep up with Sara's tosses and Sara wouldn't adjust for Maki either. To simplify their problem, Sara was never a team player. She hated it when people told her to change something in her play style or when others would point out a mistake in her tosses or timing. It always pissed Maki off but they couldn't do anything about it because the substitute setter was still a freshman just like you and she was slightly inexperienced. "Hmm, why don’t you just kick her out of the team?" Kenma asked and you shook your head. If that was possible, Sara would have been out of the team a long time ago. "The coach won't allow it. He says Sara is a great setter, we just need to find a way to get her to play for the team in a professional way." You sigh and Kenma stares at you emotionless. "If a setter can't adjust for his or her team, why bother playing? Volleyball is a team sport so if you can't play as a team, the meaning of the sport is rendered useless." Kenma says and your jaw dropped. He was always the smarter between the two of you. He spoke with such intelligence and facts that sometimes you'd forget that he was an emotionless person. Kenma takes pride in what he believes in and will argue you with what he deems as right, that is if he is the mood to do so. If not, he'll simply ignore you and walk away. "That's the thing. But I can't do anything about it, Maki is still our captain and Sara is a year older than me, so I feel like I have no position to say anything." You admitted and Kenma shook his head. "Y/N, you're the team's ace. You have a valuable position and Sara as your setter, who refuses to cooperate with the team, how will you be able to perform well? She'll simply drag the team down." He pointed out and of course, he was right. With Sara and Maki's constant bickering, practice always seemed to be tensed. Sara's tosses were difficult to catch up with and that alone messes up your spikes. If it continues to happen, the team's performance will be a mess during the actual competition. The conversation went on until the food was served. The glint in Kenma's eyes were visible the moment the waiter placed his meals on the table. This guy and his love for food, seriously. ___ "Alright, so what game do you want to try first?" Kenma asked as his eyes scan around the arcade. Neon lights brightened up the place and there were not many people around. You stared at Kenma and at that moment, all your thoughts left your mind. He was bewitching, his blonde streaks appeared golden under the neon lights and his expressionless features with a small, almost invisible smile made him even more beautiful. Kenma Kozume couldn't be labeled as the 'heartbreaker' type of beauty, he was more of an adorable baby. Kenma had soft features and a heartwarming vibe, he may seem cold on the outside, but he was an absolute sweetheart when he is fully comfortable with you. "Uhm, Y/N?" He asked softly, his hand slowly waving up and down in front of you. "Oh, sorry. You just caught my attention." You admitted sheepishly and Kenma stood there, unable to find the proper words to answer you. He could feel a soft eruption in his stomach but he had no idea what it indicated, all he knew was you were adorable and knowing that he managed to catch your attention, made him all fuzzy inside. "But, anyways, I want to try some games that will win me some tickets. I really want to get that stuffed kitty." You pointed at the striped black and yellow plushed cat at the top shelf of the registrar. Kenma nodded and led you towards a racing game. "If you can get first place in the race, it'll give you a bunch of tickets. We could also try out the Pacman game after, but you'd have to beat some of the high scores to get tickets. Are you down?" He asked and you nodded excitedly. Both of you got seated on the plastic car seat as you insert coins to join the race. Bokuto always played this game and most of the time, he'd spill some tips on how he manages to pull up first place, so maybe you could use that to your advantage. As the race begins, you step on the accelerator and the animated car jolts forward. Although it was just a game, the thrill was definitely creeping up in your body and that made you want to enjoy the game even more. Kenma, who was beside you, was really focusing on the race. He mentioned that you do need to have focus in order to avoid obstacles in the game, and that seemed to work well for him. You were currently in second place while Kenma took the lead. The games were somehow connected, maybe because the manager intended it to be, but you had no complaints, being able to race with Kenma was fun. It didn't matter who would win, as long as you both enjoyed the game. In the end, Kenma won and he got the tickets. Handing it to you, he tugs you towards the pacman gaming machine, a smile lingering on his lips. "Let me beat the high scores, just buy me some mochis to snack on and I’ll get you that plushie." Kenma assures and you nodded, walking towards one of the stands outside of the arcade to buy a serving of 4 mochis. "Do you want me to feed it to you while you play?" You asked and Kenma nodded, inserting a few coins into the machine and waiting for it to start. Grabbing a strawberry mochi, you brought it up to Kenma's lips as he takes a big bite of it. You smiled as his face puffed up and his eyes lighting up at the details of the game. Kenma really enjoyed playing games like these and knowing that he's also doing it to get you what you wanted, it made you adore the boy even more. Kenma is not everyone's ideal type of guy. He can be really distant and secretive, sometimes he could even ignore you because he simply did not want to talk. But you must have patience, because it's just who he is. Kenma is not used to having someone persistent to encourage him to speak up, but when he does, he's just like everyone else, a guy who has annoying friends, works hard for school and finds a reason to enjoy volleyball. Most importantly, he's just a guy with a big crush on you but he's too shy to tell you about it. So, to him, when you started dating and finally made it official, it was one of the best days of his life. It was a warm feeling that engulfed him throughout the day, and he only felt that way for you. "Y/N! I did it, look! I'm on the top!" He shouts with excitement as his display name popped up on the top of the ranks. Y/N Koz "Y/N Koz? What's with that name?" You asked as Kenma stood up and handed you a bunch of tickets. "It's your name and my Kozume." He answers, placing a soft kiss on your forehead. You blinked in astonishment and Kenma holds your hand, dragging you away from the game machine. "You kissed my forehead." You said, still shocked from Kenma's gesture. The boy simply laughed and inserted another bunch of coins into a different game. "If you'll feed me again, I might do it again." He teases and you punch his arm lightly. Both of you ended up laughing and trying out every game in the arcade, which ended up with you and a basket of tickets. Kenma definitely was a regular in this arcade, he knew every game there was in this arcade and he managed to beat most of the high scores of each machine. ___ At the end of the day, Kenma was able to gather enough tickets to get you the stuffed kitty that you wanted. You held it up beside Kenma and smiled while the boy was obviously confused. "It reminds me of you Ken." You pointed out and Kenma blushed a light hue of pink. Another wave of fuzziness washed up in his system. You always had that effect on him, it confused him as to why, however he loved it and he had no complaints. Kenma grabs your hand and both of you exit the arcade. It was about 5 in the afternoon and he insisted on taking you home before heading back himself. It would be a pretty exhausting ride since it took about an hour from Shinjuku to Edogawa using a bus, and another hour from Edogawa to Nerima. "Are you sure you want to accompany me home? It's going to be tiring for you Ken." You said and Kenma simply shook his head as both of you walk towards the bus station of Shinjuku. "Tetsurou said something that made me realize that maybe I do not show you enough love." He admits and at that moment, your heart melted into a pudding. Kenma was never this open about his thoughts, he did not like being too clingy or sappy. Both of you shared casual conversations and maybe some affectionate messages from time to time, but not to the extent that he would let you into the deepest parts of his mind. "Ken, I accept you for what you are. I don't mind your silence, I love it when you slowly open your heart to me, and I understand your personality. You may not be the most affectionate person, but you make me feel loved in your own little way. That alone is enough for me to know that I've got you and you've got me. I know you love me Kozume." You said and b0th of you enter the bus headed for Edogawa. Finding a seat for 2, you tug Kenma towards the back row and settled on the plush seats. Kenma squeezes your hand and places it on his lap. His head snuggled on your shoulders as you rub circles on the back of his palm. "Y/N." Kenma whispered as you hummed, the comfort of the quiet bus, only the sound of other vehicles zipping by engulfed you. "I want you to know, my life, it's not all games, I have you and I'm happier because of that." Kenma spoke quietly and you knew how whipped you were for this guy. His simple acts of holding your hand, gripping your shirt when someone was flirty with you and whispers of affection was enough reason for you to stay with him, even when times were rocky. "I love you Y/N." Kenma whispered once more and finally drifted into a nap. He must've been exhausted playing all those games just for tickets. You placed a soft kiss on his head and smiled, whispering an 'I love you' back to the boy who owned your heart. You were lucky to have Kenma, and you knew he felt the same way. --The End--

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fictionalnormalcy · 4 years

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Face Amidst the Smoke Ch. 6

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 1350 Characters: Astrid Hofferson, Hiccup Haddock Summary: Astrid is paired for a project with someone who she is definitely not eager to work with. Haddock has a reputation of being a bad student, just a bad role model in general. But in being forced to work with one of the worst seniors in the school, she comes to see what is under this bad boy’s exterior… and she may be getting in over her head.

Venture

I managed to get everything to fit into one bag. I was going to be travelling across town for the day so I had to ensure I wasn’t overburdened. I hadn’t a clue what the day would bring. I’d have to convince Heather to let her take my racket for the weekend so I wouldn’t be lugging it across Berk. Before I headed down to the bus stop, I ensured I had my water bottle, towel, extra hair ties, wallet, and phone charger. I wouldn’t be coming home until the evening, what with waiting for all the buses and practice. I pulled on my visor, lugged my duffle bag over my shoulder, and headed out of the house.

“Scrimmage time!” Coach Flashburn shouted.

Heather was my doubles partner. When we first started, I was a singles player and she played doubles with Cameron. But they argued constantly, and towards the end of the season our sophomore year, they got into a physical fight. Getting so feral that Cameron was dubbed Camicazi among the team, and soon it trickled throughout the whole school. For reasons unknown to us, Camicazi didn’t join the team for our final year of high school. I tried out doubles with Heather, and we wound up being a good pair. Able to work well and have each other’s backs. Sometimes the coach liked to have a tossup day to keep the girls on their toes. Pairing the singles versus the doubles.

Today, was not one of these days. Although it was something creative to play. This was the last stage of practice. Once we finished the scrimmage, we were free to go home. After the match, Heather was going to treat me to brunch. A place that we really loved called The Snow Wraith’s Lunchery. Just in the last week, she had been allowed use of her family’s car, passed down from brother to sister. She was eager to take it out for a drive. Me meanwhile, would have to wait a good couple of years until I could get my own car.

“My turn to serve.” Heather said as she twirled the racket in her hand.

For each odd set we had to switch. For the past two seasons, our method had developed where I would start us off in the serves and then Heather would finish us off. As a former singles player, there wasn’t really much of a chance to volley. So over the seasons I’d come to enjoy being able to slam a ball at someone’s feet so close to net. Our teammates yet opponents in this circumstance were predictable in their shots, and it was easy to change position so that Heather wouldn’t have to cope on her own. A shot was fired so it flew high in a lob, and for a second I swung my racket backward so I could hit it, but then abandoned the notion when I knew that there was a chance it could backfire.

I shouted for Heather to take the shot and quickly dashed to the side. I looked out of the corner of my eye to see her use a finger to find the point of impact, and then she slammed the ball down to the other side’s No Man’s Land. Point, ours. The game was already ours for the taking, but we still had to pull through for the 6 game total. As our opponent hefted the ball into the air, her knees bent and arm poised, I shifted my grip on the racket. Heather countered with a shot at the alley. The ball came straight toward my racket rather feebly. I raised my right arm, and took two steps back. This was mine.

As we climbed out of her car I was still rubbing the towel over my face. I’d already downed my entire water bottle, and there was lingering adrenaline from the match.

“I’m going to need to set a reminder to ice my shoulder tonight.” Heather hissed as she slid into a chair.

“Giving you pain again?” I frowned.

“My dad said that there had to be an inflamed nerve when he gave me a massage.”

“Yeah, just be careful the next few days. We need you for the match against the Berserkers next week.”

“Yeah I know.” Heather smirked.

After we gave our drink order, Heather loosened the hair tie holding her braid together and began to pry the strands apart. Something I noted when we’d first met way back when was that a braid was our continued choice of hairstyle. I was never one for ponytails, and she didn’t like to have her wavy hair draped over her shoulders and torso. I left my hair still tied upward, but Heather let it loose in what I could guess was to cool down from the workout we’d just had.

“You got what I asked you for?” I spun the straw in my glass.

“Yup.” Her expression grew grim. “Though Dagur and I ask the same question. Why do you feel so determined to get him to commit that you have to go to his house? He thinks you’re looking for a death sentence. I can’t believe you’d want to get this much into his private life. I mean, I’m not looking up Atali’s address behind her back.”

“You also aren’t heckling her to do her part. I have to do it, and I really doubt that Hiccup would have given it to me if I asked politely. I’m doing it, because I’m thinking that if I can at least get word to his parents they can get him to follow through.”

“But not every parent is the same. Sure your parents would do that if you were slacking off, but Haddock’s could be different.” She took a ginger sip of her macchiato. “One parent could be a drunk, or an addict. Hel they might both be workaholics who don’t give a crap if their son even goes to school. You saying you want to step into the role of parent for them?”

“I can be a great persuader.” I smiled. “How do you think I got to be captain?”

“Yeah well that determination didn’t get you to go for the student cabinet though.” Heather laughed. “I have the address for you, but Dagur made me and I have to make you promise to secrecy. If people found out you could do this we could get in some serious trouble.”

“I know that. It’s just, I got tired of waiting around. He doesn’t cling to his cell phone like most seniors and I get the feeling he doesn’t have much access to internet. I guess, my curiosity is starting to get the best of me. I want to see where he lives, see if I can gauge why he acts the way he does.”

“You can’t be thinking he’ll be okay with you popping up at his house out of nowhere.”

“He’ll have to deal with it. Cuz now that I’ll have this info. in my back pocket, he’ll know that I can find him.”

She handed over a slip of paper. “You’ll have to shred that after you have it remembered. He might ask you where you got the information though.”

“It’s a decent-sized city, I’ll say it wasn’t hard to figure out.”

“Asti, all I can ask is that you be careful as you go on your little quest today. I pray to Freya that nothing will happen to you. That’s why I think you should take your racket with you as do this.”

“I can’t be lugging that thing on the bus as I go across town. Just take care of it for me ‘til Monday.” I begged.

“Fine.” But she reached into her racket bag and dug out a small canister in a leather case. “Then take this. Pepper spray. Can’t trust a guy like Haddock.”

“Thanks for the wish of luck.”

I read the address on the little sheet of paper. Sliding out my phone so I could type it into my navigation app.

#httyd #fanfiction #face amidst the smoke #ch 6 #ao3 #astrid hofferson #hiccup haddock #heather oswaldson #modern day au

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maxwalker26 · 5 years

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( MAX KEPLER + CISMALE ) — Have you seen MAX WALKER ? This TWENTY-EIGHT years old is a NEW YORK YANKEES RIGHT FIELDER who resides in MANHATTAN. HE has been living in NYC for ONE WEEK, and is known to be CHARMING and HARD WORKING, but can also be ARROGANT and JEALOUS, if you cross them. People tend to associate them with BASEBALL and THE SOUTH — ( b, 26, she/her, none, est )

Hey y’all, I’m B and this is my boy Max! He’s the new Right Fielder for the New York Yankees and he needs some plots and connections so please feel free to reach out!

Max is the oldest of three kids born to his parents, Jim and Liz, an attorney and an insurance agent, in Rock Hill, South Carolina. He’s a very proud and protective older brother to his younger twin sisters Sarah and Jane, and a dog dad to his 8 year old black lab, Rocky. His upbringing was picturesque and classic Americana, the BBQs and baseball on the weekends with a pool in the backyard kind of thing.

In school, Max was the big man on campus. He played football, basketball, and baseball, and routinely made the honor roll. He was charming, funny and well-liked by his teammates, friends, teachers, coaches and especially by girls. He’d get special treatment from teachers, and often ate for free at local restaurants because of his success on the ballfield, bringing home state championships in baseball his sophomore, junior and senior years.

Though initially scouted by the MLB high school, he instead opted to play NCAA college ball. His choices came down to South Carolina, the college team he had grown up rooting for, and Vanderbilt, the better school and the better baseball team. Ultimately, to the chagrin of his family and hometown, he chose Vandy.

At college, Max once again, became the golden boy. He did well in his classes, worked hard, joined Sigma Chi and helped lead his team to the College World Series every season, including winning a national championship in 2014, his senior year.

MLB scouts started paying attention again in his junior season, and he was drafted to Minnesota the summer after, where he’d play the next 6 seasons (2 in the minors and 4 in the majors) with various levels of success.

His breakout season came in 2018 when he started a streak of home runs, tying for the second-most on the team and fourth-most in the division. In 2019, he beat those numbers, finishing the season with 42 home runs and a .314 batting average.

His numbers and his contract up, the Yankees came knocking, and in the winter of 2020, he was traded to New York where he’d sign a $35 million dollar contract over 5 years.

PERSONALITY

Positive Traits: Charming, focused, adventurous, hard-working, fearless

Negative Traits: Arrogant, big-headed, flirtatious, jealous

Goals/Desires: Winning a World Championship, taking advantage of his position in the public eye, retiring with enough wealth

Fears: Failure, losing family and friends, not being liked, losing fame

Hobbies: Running, working out, travel, partying, hiking and spending time outdoors

#codintro

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jebediah19950814-blog · 5 years

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0 on the season as they beat Manchester 11

0 on the season as they beat manchester 11 "They gave a good account of themselves and I don't think previously they would have made the quarter finals because the other teams were that strong." "We were dwarfed by what we could select in terms of players," van Gamert said. Denmark often kept the ball for longer spells in the opposition half and they looked calm, but their game could have used more incisive passes as the lack of Eriksen as their most creative player stuck out sometimes painfully. Defensive tackle Montravius Adams, linebacker Oren Burks and safety Darnell Savage Jr. Women Handbags of the 1900 to 1910Design innovations of carrying bags started at this time with the term "carrying bags" used extensively to describe what we now call handbags today. "The team is capable of great things like tonight. NEW YORK Major League Soccer's talented roster is set for the 2019 MLS Homegrown Game presented by Energizer, as players from the youth national teams of the United States and Canada will represent the league in the annual showcase. I think that by not, we are," McQueen says. Along with that she has a competitive fire where she absolutely hates to lose. In the 35th minute, midfielder Saphir Tader found full back Zachary Brault Guillard on the right flank. In its final road game before opening Allianz Field on April 13, Minnesota United traveled to the East Coast to face a perennial powerhouse on their home turf without two key pieces of its attack: midfielders Darwin Quintero and Miguel Ibarra. The best players from NSW ACT and Tasmania will then combine to form the Eastern Allies for round 2 of the championships on the Gold Coast in July. Because she was SUPER not hot, is how. They just lacked the polish to find an equaliser. 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Top row from left, head coach Dan Salmon, Nicolaas Vermaat, Hunter Sides, Michael coach factory outlet online Johnson, Jackson Holdwick, Elijah Shevy, Tommie Carey, Erik Salminen, Trevor Salmon, Aidan Pascoe, Drew Wyble and assistant coach Maarten Vermaat. Gates to Publix Field will open one hour prior to the start of each game. This sees the Eagles as one of the main threats to the premiership. This also means that there are numerous certification programs available that vary in quality.[7]. However, these same magnets are only $1.50 each if you buy more than 100 favors. Before actually becoming a parent, it is difficult to understand what this parent is thinking. Its a three point game. Mitchell averaged 15.9 points on a remarkable 68% behind the arc over the team's last 10 games; unfortunately, he also put up just 2.7 assists per game as the team's point guard during that span. Reno 1868 FC has acquired Cuban forward Luis Javier Paradela Diaz to a 2019 loan contract. The pressure on Nathan should Ivan join Penrith would be enormous. "No way are we going into this game thinking this is the game we can get our confidence back. I just focus up and when my name gets called I give my best.". Off the miss hulser with the strong board. Anyway, that is good news for us fashionistas!. Green lost for the seventh time in eight games and head into another offseason unsure about new jordan shoes the future of longtime head coach Marvin Lewis.. Enrollment at the school has tripled over the past 15 years, and many of the runners are too exhausted to concentrate. "Colby is a smooth, smart right handed defenseman. The additions on the defensive front are probably the most significant. On the pitch, France failed to advance to the knockout stage at the 2002 World Cup; four years later, Les Blues reached the final against Italy, but Zinedine Zidane headbutt of Italy Marco Materazzi in that game overshadowed the accomplishment. Chances are some coach somewhere is going to get fired before the season ends and one of those schools is going to want to talk to Joe Moorhead. He believed the competition would be very tight. Even after they scored the goal, [Michael] Boxall has a free header from eight yards out, nine yards out and Mason [Toye] had a couple. But it is still baseball season of course. (By the way, thanks for reading this far into this column. Everything you focus on always improves. After grabbing a loose ball, Reyer went coast to coast for a layup that cut the Viking lead to 62 60. The tournament, which held its 26th edition last Friday to Sunday, is named in memory of longtime BMHA treasurer and coach Roger Ladouceur who dedicated more than 20 years of his time to minor hockey. When we come back. "What really stands out for me are the defensive linemen we signed from high schools," he said.

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allaboutartbyannie · 6 years

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AllAboutAnnieBLOG❤️😉

Life can be so confusing and hard sometimes. I understand the idea- it’s obvious that nothing is free ... I completely agree that we should earn respect, money and wisdom. I just feel that some of us are faced with much larger obstacles and deeper tribulations than others. I don’t know this, of course, but I have been through some pretty traumatic and devastating experiences and my story is full of fluff compared to some of the warriors I’ve met in my life.

I have been told so many times that my story is inspirational, so I try to be open and honest. if being a guide or a spark in the dark for someone is the reason I had to battle all of these bastard demons, I better tell and I better tell a lot! My main goal is to get people to at least check it out, read about the adventures of Annie. Then write, preach, sing, sign or share the best way you see fit...

Personally, I would categorize myself in the “lifetime movie” status/level. This, to me, means; that if my life was told in movie/mini series form, my story would fit in perfectly amongst the wallflower who married an ax murderer and the Sister wives of the Traveling Circus (not a show that I know of but it would be super interesting)

I joke, but truly, I have been blessed with some very valuable lessons in life, I do not regret a thing, but I certainly wish I made some better decisions sometimes, I truly wish I could take back some of the hurtful things I have said or done, and I definitely would take more time to spend with the beloved family and friends that have moved on from this life.. I just don’t think I would be who I am today if I didn’t have every scar, insult, fall, fail, triumph and all that’s in between.My husband says I am “expressing depressing”, but see, I call it being real. I don’t expect anything from you, my friend, except maybe some chit chat, a few questions for me to pretend I know the answer to, some good topics of conversation or even just an insight into your world.

I was thinking about my first memory. The thing I remember most at the Youngest stage was when I was four years old and I was in kindergarten living on base in Fort Carson, Colorado. Down in Colorado Springs, they have Venetucci Farms, And we got to go on the bus and pick out our own pumpkin that day it was 1980 something and I was four. And I wanted to impress my dad! He was actually home that week, normally He was gone a lot because he was enlisted active duty army. AnyWho I found the biggest pumpkin I could find and my little hands took that thing and got it up on the bus, and rode the bus home, and damn that pumpkin was so heavy! I was dragging it on the side walk since I couldn’t lift it. It’s actually pretty hysterical site if you think about it. I literally left a trail of mushy pumpkin skin and guts the sidewalk behind me! but I was so proud of that-pumpkin and when I got home my dad helped me carve it and we just had to hide his blemishes for a few days,☺️

I don’t know I guess my point is is that life never really ever turns out the way that we want or expect it to. The point, the fact of the matter, the nitty gritty is you got to go for the gold! Go get the biggest pumpkin and drag that pumpkin home! if it gets blemished, carve it, put it out there, and be proud!

one thing I believe is we need to be good to one another. I truly believe that we were not put on this earth to make things harder for each other. We’re supposed to work together and thrive! So grab your friends, grab your kin, load up the fam and keep moving forward!

Geographical BS TIMELINE OF the numerous places I lived being a product of the military environment ...

So ..... first stop after my “presentation” in Philly, was California ... I was one year old, I don’t remember shit from this time, but apparently I took a trip to Salt Lake and Tahoe that year.. my dad was a linguist in the Army so I would return to Monterey CA a few times to live, and to visit. And that is where and when I established my preference and affinity for The California coastline, sea lions barking in the morning, running on 17 mile drive, and of course the 49ers! (Represent )

So quick review

- Philly - born on

- California - Monterey/Ft ORD CA 1

- Colorado Springs- FT Carson 2-4

- San Angelo TX. 5-7

- Edinboro PA. 7-8

- Lunenberg MA. 9

- Fitchburg MA. 10

- Berlin Germany 11

- Monterey/FT ORD CA 14

- Augsburg Germany (grad high school) 15-18

And so I went to Slippery Rock University and this was the first time i was on my own.

- Slippery Rock PA (first attempt at college - majored in beer and sorority nonsense- really big waste of my time and my grandparents money - I am so sorry about that Papap) The funny thing is I always thought I wanted to be a lawyer. So I applied to and was accepted in to Cedar crest Univ, Widener University, Penn State main, and Slippery Rock. I also applied to and was accepted in to university of Central Florida, my father was living down there at the time. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a choice and where I ended up going was my mothers decision or she would not help me pay. So - Slimy Pebble - as the alumni so lovingly called it- Was my home for one year at the age of 18. I played soccer since I was four years old, I have been very active in sports throughout my life. The games that I claim are soccer and volleyball. I was a damn good quarterback for the powder puff winning champion team three years in a row! I pretended to play basketball, and I got a lot of fat lips and black eyes in softball.I was good at Soccer and Volleyball! I used to play soccer in Germany and we would scrimmage the women’s German team. Those women were brutal! They were machines. They knew their players they knew each other they knew what to do and when to do it and they did it with force and aggression but at the same time showing respect and grace, it was crazy!So the injury that took my left knee out two weeks into my first year playing at SRU, ended my playing career before college really got started. I did enjoy the pleasure of coaching some really adorable 7 a 9 -year-olds for a few years when I was living in Pennsylvania at one point. Boy that was a lot of fun! If you’ve never seen between seven and nine-year-olds play soccer you need to go do it! Seriously. It’s like a big blob of little children and cute little outfits running around the ball, one big blob unit, a swarm- per se...Don’t get me wrong there was plenty of fun that was had. I did join a sorority because there’s not much else to do after my knee and I was in an immobilizer and crutches. Slippery rock Pennsylvania was a dry town. So of course everyone had parties on the weekends and it was this big party school I guess you could say. One blessed night that I decided to stay in they actually had a big police raid! They took everybody from the apartment complex and put them into the tennis courts LOL. I could see it from my dorm room and I watched and, one by one, they filed out, checked IDs and started taking people in. It was also that year that the same apartment complex partially burned down!

- Florida- Boynton Beach - 19

- Florida - Delray Beach - 20

- Erie, PA- 21 -23

- Colorado Springs, CO. 23

- Erie PA - five months of Hell - this is one of my tell all, “inspiring” stories that will take a minute to relay 😉

- Colorado Springs, CO

- Pueblo, CO

- Colo Springs

- Broomfield CO

- Ward CO- another story for the ages that literally brought me to you...

- Lyons, CO

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your-dietician · 3 years

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2021 All-Area girls' soccer Player of the Year: M-S star thrives after finding sports-life balance | Sports

New Post has been published on https://tattlepress.com/soccer/2021-all-area-girls-soccer-player-of-the-year-m-s-star-thrives-after-finding-sports-life-balance-sports/

2021 All-Area girls' soccer Player of the Year: M-S star thrives after finding sports-life balance | Sports

Nyah Biegler hams it up at the Mahomet-Seymour High School soccer field at Middletown Prairie Elementary School in Mahomet this week. The recent M-S graduate, who earned The News-Gazette’s Player of the Year honors this season, isn’t done playing soccer, either. She’ll continue in college at Eastern Illinois starting this fall.

Robin Scholz/The News-Gazette

MAHOMET — Nyah Biegler debated about playing soccer for Mahomet-Seymour High School.

Debated about continuing to play the sport at all.

Both scenarios are difficult to imagine nowadays for the recent M-S graduate.

The former is difficult to imagine because Biegler is the 2021 News-Gazette girls’ soccer Player of the Year.

She did “so much 50 to 80 yards from the goal to allow us to succeed,” according to M-S coach Jeremy Davis, and still managed to produce 19 goals and 19 assists from the center-midfielder position while also taking on increased defensive responsibilities to help the Bulldogs’ relatively young back-end group.

Those efforts aided M-S to a 15-3 record and a fifth Class 2A regional championship in as many seasons during a condensed schedule.

Biegler was born into a soccer family.

She was destined to play the sport for an extended period of time.

“It was my first birthday, and I was taking my first steps and my dad had a little soccer ball that he bought me,” Biegler said. “Our family’s just all soccer.”

But Biegler became so immersed in soccer that it eventually wore her down.

Entering high school, she was traveling three hours to St. Louis on a regular basis to work with an Elite Clubs National League team after previously making frequent trips to Indianapolis for the same reason.

“I had a time when I was going to St. Louis that I just wanted to quit,” Biegler said. “I didn’t want to play college soccer. I didn’t want to do anything. I was just burnt out.”

That’s where M-S soccer came in and kept Biegler playing the sport that runs in her blood.

It turned out to be a great arrangement for both parties.

“Coming here and renewing everything — new coaches, new everything — it was just awesome,” Biegler said. “The love for the sport grew again.”

★ ★ ★

Many of Biegler’s early soccer memories involve those with her dad Neil Biegler, who is an assistant coach under Davis with the Bulldogs.

Neil Biegler played high school soccer at Limestone High School in Bartonville. He donned the No. 3 jersey at that time, as his daughter eventually would.

“We always would watch soccer games. Our favorite team was Manchester United, and we’d have matching jerseys all the time,” Nyah Biegler said. “On our drives to St. Louis and Indiana for soccer, we’d listen to a soccer podcast.”

Biegler’s competitive soccer career started in the Illinois Futbol Club, with she and M-S senior-to-be Cayla Koerner playing on a boys’ team. Biegler then transitioned to playing for Mahomet’s recreational league and being coached by her dad.

Maddi Claybrooke, a senior defender this spring for the Bulldogs, played alongside Biegler at this time.

“We had a really close friend group we grew up playing soccer with. … We all just became really tight friends,” Claybrooke said. “I remember a lot of the time we would do the homecoming parades together. Our team would always come together in the fall and create a soccer float … and throw candy to everyone else.”

★ ★ ★

Those localized friendships soon became more difficult for Biegler to maintain.

Her next soccer stop was in Bloomington, where she again was coached by her father. Biegler then tried out for and found a spot on the ECNL’s Indiana Fire program when she was in seventh grade.

“(My parents) knew it offered opportunities to play in college, and other places around here didn’t,” Biegler said. “It was a great team. … I loved the girls over there. But just driving that far and not having social connections in the community around here (was difficult).”

During two years with the Fire, Biegler remembers that she’d “have to leave early from school three or four times a week.”

Weekends brought about big matches as far away as Washington, D.C., or North Carolina.

“I thought it was normal,” Biegler said. “It was very intense. It’s like going over to Europe and playing with them. … It was a lot of time in and out of the sport to manage our bodies, and we were 12, 13 years old.”

Biegler said a strict diet was imposed upon Fire athletes, though she added Neil and mother Heather were more lenient than some other parents.

In fact, Biegler had to be convinced to eat a food most kids regularly crave.

“I hated chocolate,” Biegler said. “They made us have chocolate milk, and now I love chocolate milk. I drink it after all my games.”

Biegler, however, was reaching a crossroads during her soccer career as she progressed toward high school.

The Fire’s season ran simultaneously with that of Mahomet-Seymour’s. Biegler ultimately decided she wanted to suit up for the Bulldogs, and she also joined the St. Louis-based ECNL squad that played on a different schedule.

This lasted just one year before Biegler knew she needed a change.

“ECNL soccer was great soccer-wise for me. … I got a lot of exposure,” Biegler said. “But the social aspect of it for me, I wasn’t able to be part of this community. And high school soccer brought me my closest friends — definitely the ones I’ll carry on to college.”

Biegler’s parents were supportive and understanding of their daughter’s position.

She’d continue on with the Bulldogs while also returning to Bloomington for club play.

“I definitely made the right decision playing high school soccer,” Biegler said. “(ECNL) has its benefits, too. I probably would’ve been a better soccer player. But this is just about me in a different aspect of my life because soccer’s not everything.”

★ ★ ★

Now that Biegler was re-engaging with the M-S soccer scene, she wanted to ensure she gained as much from it as possible.

So she began working out with the Bulldogs’ boys team, also coached by Davis.

Biegler can list off plenty of girls she became close with through Mahomet-area soccer: Claybrooke, Koerner, 2018 graduate Erin Lenschow and former N-G Players of the Year Meredith Johnson-Monfort and Maddy Wade.

But Biegler also feels “I was probably closer with most of the guys” because of their more rigorous training methods.

“They’re more competitive, and that’s what I need,” Biegler said. “They really are chill and the best friends to hang out with, too. We’d just go out every day playing, and they’re super fast, super strong. They’re just built differently — they’re guys — but it’s definitely made me a better player.”

Nate Lundstrom, another member of the Bulldogs’ Class of 2021, is among the boys Biegler bonded with on the pitch.

Lundstrom was friends with Biegler well before high school, too.

“Her dad was a member at Grace Church, so sometimes he’d unlock the gym and we’d be able to play pickup soccer in there,” Lundstrom said. “She was definitely good enough to play with all of us, and it was really fun.”

Biegler and Lundstrom often paired with fellow 2021 M-S graduates Eli Warren and Logan Woodward in local 4-on-4 tournaments. These events would feature first-to-five goals matches with the winner remaining on the field until suffering a loss.

In one particular tournament, the Biegler-Lundstrom team “became the villains that day because we were the youngest people there but we kept winning.”

“Eli had just absolutely destroyed the seniors team one time, and then that game, I think Nyah hit two shots from half (pitch), too, and two shots in a row that sent the team off,” Lundstrom said. “I think someone even said something along the lines of, ‘Don’t worry if she shoots. Guard Eli.’ And then she made them both. That was fun.”

Biegler also feels she was able to discover her voice more by playing with boys, both in Mahomet and during club team practices in Bloomington.

“It just developed my skills so much faster,” Biegler said. “They definitely bring a bunch of different aspects into my life, socially and soccer-wise.”

★ ★ ★

Biegler’s soccer development in high school included two important alterations.

First, she switched from primarily playing the outside back defender position to the center-mid role she currently occupies.

Biegler was growing into her 6-foot frame and hitting the weight room with increasing frequency, allowing her to become an effective option at center-mid.

“I’m just a vocal person in general, and being able to be in the center of the field and start leading (was great),” Biegler said. “My soccer IQ is higher in the center of the field.”

The vocal element is the second area in which Biegler experienced change during high school soccer.

Biegler said she wasn’t very talkative as a varsity-playing freshman but was welcomed with open arms by the likes of current Illini Johnson-Monfort and Wade.

Even when she began speaking more, though, Biegler still needed to refine her on-field chatter.

“I was very bossy,” Biegler said. “That’s how I played ECNL, and that was just me as a player.”

Biegler was a captain for the Bulldogs’ 2020 team that never got to compete because of the COVID-19 pandemic, and she retained captaincy this spring.

With numerous younger players, including freshman sister Nadia Biegler, now looking for her leadership, Nyah Biegler took a different approach.

“We had a lot of sophomores that hadn’t played a varsity game, and being able to help them figure out what to do, what decisions are best to be made (was important),” Biegler said. “Being able to cheer them on and being able to just be positive to them whenever they need something, I think that’s how (my leadership) developed.”

This chance to grow as a person and player might not have happened if Biegler decided she was done with soccer just a few years prior.

“She’s had a really big impact on our team. Vocally, you can always count on her,” Claybrooke said. “She’s able to encourage people and warn them of the opponents. … Nyah was a big factor in putting the team in position to score. Taking her out of the middle would’ve hurt us.”

★ ★ ★

Biegler’s next soccer stop will have her transitioning back to being a younger athlete in a sea of older athletes.

She’ll soon attend Eastern Illinois and play soccer for coach Jake Plant’s Panthers.

“Because of COVID, all of their seniors are coming back, so it’s going to be a team of 30,” Biegler said. “I’m going to have to fight like crazy to get a spot in there. Honestly, I’ll do whatever the team needs.”

Biegler, who plans to major in biology with the hope of later attending medical school, now struggles to envision a life without soccer.

As Biegler said, there’s more to her than the sport. But the role it’s played in her life is unmistakable.

“Balancing everything is part of life, and it’s going to be hard (in college), but it’s going to be worth it,” Biegler said. “I had to play soccer more, and I’m so excited that I stayed with it.”

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michaelakhan · 5 years

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My happiness is… How my varsity squash career went so wrong, but so right

Michaela here, your resident university squash player. No, squash is not the same as racquetball. No, you don’t get hit by the ball that often. But yes, it bloody hurts when you do.

I’ve grown up in what you would call the epitome of #SquashFam. My dad was (and is) pretty freaking good at squash – 2x individual and 3x team OUA champion, former #1 player in Trinidad. My sister is the current #1 player on the Western University team. Our parents actually met playing squash in the great city of London, Ontario, where I have been living for the last 6 years.

It should be no surprise that I started playing squash when an adult racquet was probably taller than me. I played recreationally throughout my childhood, but it was mostly just a place to hang out with friends. Instead, I was enjoying a rather illustrious gymnastics career, while also dabbling in a gazillion other sports. However by my mid-teens, it became evident that my time gymnastics was coming to an end (story for another day). Being the ‘all or nothing’ type of person I am, I knew I needed to find another sport that I could throw myself into. With an international coach at my fingertips (shoutout to Coach Khan aka Dad), squash seemed like a decent place to start.

One little problem. As it turned out, I really, really, really hated squash. Emphasis on the really.

I cannot tell you how many times I threatened to quit. I would cry in the change rooms after (sometimes during) practice, thinking how anyone could enjoy this absolutely brutal sport. Chasing around a tiny, uncontrollable ball while trapped in a 4 walled room... That was supposed to be… fun?!

LOL. Apparently.

Fast forward a few years. As much as I despised squash, I was fueled more by competitiveness than hatred. The more tournaments I entered and got my ass handed to me in, the more I desired to master the crazy game. Finally, I made the decision to try out for the squash team at the same university my Dad had played at the #1 position for.

I miraculously made it through try-outs and onto the playing team, but my first year on the team was incredibly trying. I still hadn’t fully figured out if I actually liked the sport, but I had decided I didn’t fit in on the team. New teammates, new coaches, new school. I struggled so much socially that just showing up to practice seemed like a chore. Squash may be an individual sport, but I had never felt so isolated.

Thankfully, the ball seemed to become more controllable as I moved through university. I made the jump from the #4 player in my 1st year to the #2 player in my 3rd year, and looked set to hold down the #1 spot in my 4th year. I had made life-long friends on the team, endured punishing tournaments that pushed me to my limits, and was maintaining a solid GPA. My love for the sport was blossoming. Squash dominated my thoughts, even when I wasn’t on court.

Life may have seemed good on the outside, but inside, a storm was brewing. One year after another, I would end the season with one of my feet in a cast. The third time I slipped on my trusty old Aircast boot, my doctor wouldn’t clear me to play. Weeks went by, then months. Finally, my injuries stretched through the seasons. Plural. It took so much of my physical and mental energy to crawl my way back to the court after so much time not being able to crawl out of bed because of the pain and heartache.

I got there in my 6th year at Western. I rejoined the starting line-up in September 2018 - not fully functional, but at least on court.

I was out again by December 2018. Surgery scheduled for April 2019.

‘Devastated’ doesn’t come close to describing it.

During my recovery, I came across an article by Alex Cyr, a St FX and U Windsor track athlete (http://uwindsorlance.com/a-friendly-word-of-advice-to-fellow-student-athletes/). He talked about athletes whose lives are consumed by their sport (check), and what happens when, by cruel twists of fate, you can no longer play it anymore. He suggested that if and when that happens, to find new ways to contribute to your sport.

Looking back at my university squash career, I saw immense failure. It was painful to admit that I would never be a true #1 on the team or leave any sort of legacy. I felt like a fraud - walking around in my varsity jacket knowing how long it had been since I had played a tournament. However, after reading that article I realised that I may have still found the ‘ways’ that Alex talked about.

I had been a 1x vice-captain and 2x captain, roles I took very seriously and still consider to be the biggest honour Western ever gave me. I had the opportunity to tour prospective high schoolers around campus. I logged hours upon hours of court time, coaching the team through drills. I cheered for my teammates in matches and travelled with them all over the province. I had the privilege of introducing players in tournaments and giving the pre-game pep talk. In the minute and a half between games, I offered teammates the best advice I had to give. Hands were held and shoulders were cried on during the hard times. Milestones – everything from first kisses to overcoming mental illnesses – were celebrated. We danced the night away at tournaments and laughed until we hit the floor. My heart would swell with pride when teammates sent me good midterm marks that had boosted their grades. My own grades had stayed consistent too – earning an OUA All-Academic Canadian certificate (and a darn good free lunch) each year and a fully funded master’s degree. I had also found my voice – less afraid to speak up when things didn’t feel right. As a 6th year veteran, I felt it was my duty to make sure that no teammate should feel like I had in my own 1st year.

In those aspects of varsity sport life, I had not failed.

My time on the Western University squash team will not be remembered in writing like my Dad’s achievements. My kids will not walk past squash trophies with my name on in Thames Hall or a picture of me in Western’s Student Recreation Centre. I was not an MVP, Purple Blanket winner, or an OUA All-Star.

Did I want all those things? Hell yeah.

But things don’t always work out the way you want them to, and now I can see my gains instead of losses.

Through all my successes and failures, I will always be proud to have worn the Mustang on my chest for 6 years - as a teammate, captain, coach and, most importantly, a friend.

So for the last time - Stangs on 3. 1, 2, 3… STANGS!

Be kind to yourself,

Michaela (aka girl who asked for a burrito immediately after her surgery but was denied this right because she threw up after chugging ginger ale)

☼ / ☾

Picture time!!!!

Yep, pretty sure the racquet’s taller than me

First OUAs at home in London - it may look like I was on top of the world here (ha ha) but I was really struggling

Dad’s picture at the Western Student Recreation Centre - I walk past this picture of my Dad each time I go to the courts on campus. It’s a good reminder that he is quite literally always looking over and out for me

Dad and Western University’s legendary coach Jack Fairs at the Western Mustang Sports Hall of Fame Banquet, Oct 2018. Dad’s holding a picture his 2nd individual OUA championship trophy in 1990. As a coach and mentor (read “second father”), Jack changed my Dad’s life in many ways. I am always thankful to have spent many weekend afternoons with Jack and Peg, hearing stories about the glory days and indulging in Peg’s unparalleled baked goods

At Western, you receive a Bronze W award if you play on the first team for a minimum of 3 years. I was given mine exactly 25 years after my Dad earned his

I didn’t know it at the time, but this would be my last appearance as a Mustang on court, so it’s fitting it was in London. Ankle braces in tow, but I was ecstatic to be on court again! #ThatHeadbandTho

Last Athletic Banquet - always a fun time with old and newer friends. Miss you all (and that buffet!!!!) already

I found a family on the squash team, but was also unbelievably lucky that my squash family included a member of my real life family. My sister Madison is my inspiration and I will always look up to her. Literally and figuratively – she may be younger but she happens to be much taller. Still trying to convince her to move to Vancouver with me, any help will be greatly appreciated!!! I told her she could keep kicking my butt out there but apparently that’s not enough (she’s been able to beat me for years, probably getting bored of it)

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talesofmundanemagic · 7 years

Text

Gertie and Bridget go on a tour

As Gertie and Bridget were walking from breakfast to their first classes, they were greeted with a group of teens and adults blocking the path between buildings.

“Oh great,” Bridget said. “A tour.”

Most prospective students to Flories Boarding School would fly out for a day of pre-scheduled activities designed to make the campus an attractive alternative to normal day schools. For the teens, the freedom angle of the dorms was played up, while reiterating curfew and the presence of residential advisors so the parents would approve.

Bridget and Gertie groaned, trying to get around the group and being blocked at every turn by a parent taking pictures or a younger sibling getting distracted by a row of flowers, a statue or an ivy covered building.

“Are there any magical clubs here?” a boy with a curly mess of hair and thick rimmed glasses asked the tour guide.

Gertie almost stopped, but Bridget found an opening between a set of families and pulled her through.

“No,” the tour guide said. At the boy’s obvious disappointment, she recovered quickly. “But there’s nothing stopping you from starting one!”

“That won’t be necessary,” the boy’s father said, and his mother nodded grimly.

Gertie frowned as they left. Another magic aficionado whose dreams were crushed by their parents.

In the middle of Bridget’s advanced calculus class, the tour group squeezed in, filling the entire front corner of the class by the door and spilling back into the hall.

“Hi Mr. Terkin,” the tour guide said. “Sorry to interrupt.”

“No problem, Lauren,” Mr. Terkin said.

Bridget took a deep breath to hold in a sigh. She put her pen down and prepared herself to have to study this weekend for the midterm, since the teacher was obliged to turn his attention to the visitors.

Tour group season was the worst.

“Did any students have questions about mathematics, or any classes here?” Lauren asked the group.

“Or the swim team. I’m the coach,” Mr. Terkin added.

One of the tour group members perked up. “When are tryouts?” he asked. He was tall and lean, with tan lines around his eyes that Bridget had assumed were from sunglasses. Swim goggles would also make sense, though.

“Two weeks, just after the new quarter.”

The rest of the prospective students asked about things like class sizes and available electives.

“Next period there’s an acting class,” Lauren said, gathering her flock to leave the classroom as the bell rang. “I can take you to look in.”

I’m sure they won’t mind, Bridget thought, packing up her bag.

During their weekly afternoon assembly, Headmistress Clearwater was talking about voting for the school dance in the middle of the next quarter and Bridget noticed the tour group slipping into the back rows. Of course they’d want to see the headmistress in action.

As Gertie, Bridget and their friend Vivien left the assembly, they passed one family in particular talking to the tour guide and Headmistress Clearwater. In it was the boy with glasses who had asked the question about clubs, the swimmer from Bridget’s class and a girl who was apparently their sister, based on the family’s curly brown hair and large ears. Bridget immediately noticed, with her magic eye, that every bit of the girl’s jewelry - from her multiple pairs of earrings to her three necklaces and multiple thin bracelets - was enchanted with spells. The only one she recognized was the charm on her necklace to be able to communicate with dogs.

“All of our teachers stress responsibility when it comes to magic,” the headmistress was saying. Catching Vivien’s eye, she smiled. “Maybe these students could talk to you about it?”

The three siblings and their parents looked over. Vivien flushed in embarrassment at the reference to her past mistakes.

“Sorry, we’re late for study group,” Gertie lied, glaring at the headmistress. The three girls hurried away, not looking back.

After dinner, the sisters were on their way to the lit, outdoor basketball courts for Bridget to get some reverse layup practice in outside of her normal team practice. They passed the student center on their way; the tour was letting out after the special dinner for prospective students, where teachers were in attendance to answer any questions, have one-on-one conversations with the parents, and eat a free steak dinner. Gertie and Bridget stopped to watch the group split into individual families who headed toward the parking lot by the woods.

“Finally,” Gertie said, still annoyed at the tour’s presence during her lunch period.

“Maybe those practitioner ones will come back,” Bridget said, dribbling the ball in place as they watched. “It’d be nice to have more people with magic here.”

Gertie just shrugged, stole the ball out from under Bridget’s hand and ran for the court without dribbling.

“That’s traveling!” Bridget shouted, jogging to catch up.

A week later, Gertie, Bridget, Vivien and Ernest were heading to movie night when they noticed a disturbance in the alley between Gertie’s dorm and the building next door. It was a favorite spot for bullies, as Gertie, Bridget and Ernest knew all too well, due to the close quarters and the lack of light.

“We should go help whoever it is,” Bridget said, stretching out her shoulders in preparation for a fight.

“All right,” Gertie grumbled, not having a hat with a useful enchantment for this situation on her.

Ernest pulled his piccolo pieces out from his backpack and started putting them together. His music-based magic came in handy during fights; sometimes he was even able to freeze the fighters in place. Vivien took a deep breath, trying to call up the self defense moves her gym class had instilled in her.

As they rounded the corner into the alley and their eyes adjusted, they were met with a surprising sight.

The bullies had surely been the ones to jump the new students, but they were the ones getting pummeled. Bridget and Gertie immediately recognized the new students as two of the siblings from the tour group.

The tall swimmer dodged a punch from one of the bullies - Jodie Migaran, one of Bridget’s least favorite teammates - but still caught her knee in his side. He recovered from the impact, reached up, grabbed Jodie, and shoved her against the wall with lightning fast speed that could only come from a spell. Jodie ducked as he curled his fist for a blow and he ended up punching the wall.

He groaned in pain, holding his hand up to reveal broken fingers. But as Gertie and Bridget watched, the bones righted themselves, healing in a matter of seconds.

Jodie jumped and kicked at his ribs, sending him into the opposite wall. She stood panting for a moment, while Nick Coffer - another bully well known to Bridget, Gertie and Vivien - started punching his face. The swimmer jabbed Nick in the gut, sending him gasping for air, and ran to tackle Jodie. He slammed her into the opposite alley wall.

When she landed, the bricks of the alley shifted and twisted into branches that reached out to curl around her.

“Hey!” she shouted, being pulled against the wall.

Gertie looked for the source of the magic, and caught the boy with the glasses waving his hands and casting spells in a magical language unfamiliar to her.

Nick ran toward the caster, trying to break his focus on his magic. Instead, he fell foot first into a deep shaft of water, courtesy of the brother’s magic changing the ground into liquid.

Two of the bullies’ friends ran away after that, one nursing a bleeding nose and the other having had his baseball bat turned into a long loaf of bread.

Satisfied that he wouldn’t be attacked again, the caster reached into the water, pulled Nick halfway out, and pricked a hair from the bully’s head. He unceremoniously dropped Nick back in after he managed to get a few gasping breaths.

The boy with the glasses then moved on to Jodie. After making sure her hands were secured by the branches, he plucked one of her long blond hairs and took a step back.

“Listen to me carefully, so you can tell your friends,” he said, speaking calmly, like this happened all the time. “I’m going to use these to cast a spell on my brother and me. If you try to hurt either of us again, anything you do to us will happen to you too.”

Jodie struggled against the branches.

The caster pocketed the hairs and backed away. “You can try to convince some other friends to try, but…” He stepped aside to reveal Nick thrashing to the surface of the shaft.

Jodie broke free of the branches and reached into the water. She pulled a gasping Nick up, soaking herself in the process.

“I’m alright,” Nick said through chattering teeth.

Jodie helped Nick stand, and together they limped past Gertie, Bridget, Vivien and Ernest, not even sparing a glance in their direction.

The brothers looked at each other for a breath and then at Gertie and Bridget’s group.

“Hi,” the boy with the glasses said. “We seem to have gotten lost.” He smiled, which somehow made Bridget feel all the more uneasy. “Any chance you can point us to the Meirgorge dorms?”

Gertie’s mouth opened and closed, still surprised by what she had seen.

“Sorry,” he said, running a hand through his curly hair. “We should introduce ourselves. I’m Charlie Nessing, and this is my older brother Peter. We’re just moving in.”

The swimmer nodded and held up his hand in a wave. It moved like it had never been broken.

#gertie and bridget #writing #school #tour #magic #magical realism

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unqueenlybiscuits · 7 years

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Criminently.

KAZAKHSTANMINISTRY OF INFORMATION PRESENTSA KAZAKHSTANTELEVISION PRODUCTIONIN ASSOCIATION WITHBAGATOV FILMSMy name Borat.I like you. I like sex.It's nice.This my country of Kazakhstan.It locate between Tajikistanand Kyrgyzstan......and assholes Uzbekistan.This my town of Kuzcek.This Urkin, the town rapist.Naughty, naughty.Over here, our town kindergarten.And here live Mukhtar Sakanov......town mechanic and abortionist.This my house. Entry, please.He is my neighbor,Nursultan Tulyakbay.He is pain in my assholes.I get a window from a glass,he must get a window from a glass.I get a step, he must get a step.I get a clock radio, he cannot afford.Great success.This is Natalya.She is my sister.She is number four prostitutein all of Kazakhstan.Nice.This is my mother.She oldest womanin whole of Kuzcek.She is 43. I love her.And this my wife, Oxana.She's boring.What you say about me,you skinny piece of shit?Not now, please.Why don't you do somethingusefuI and dig your mother a grave.Come in here, please. Ignore.This is where I lives. My bed.This is a VCR recorder.And this play cassettes.Now I show you outsidefrom my houses.My hobbies, Ping-Pong......sunbathe......disco dance......and on weekends,I traveI to capitaI city......and watch ladieswhile they make toilet.My profession, work as atelevision reporter for Kazakhstan.Please, you see.THE RUNNING OF THE JEW 2004Here comes the Jew.It's a big one this year.Whoaaa...He nearly got the money there.Wait, here comes Mrs. Jew.She's stopped.Is she? Is she?Here it comes.She's laid a Jew egg.Go kids! Crush thatJew chick before he hatches!Although Kazakhstan glorious country,it have problem too.Economic, sociaI and Jew.This why Ministry of Informationhave decide to send me to U.S. and A......greatest country in the world,to learn lessons for Kazakhstan.I will traveI with most venerableproducer, Azamat Bagatov.Azamat.No, not film me!Film him.Urkin, not too much raping...Humans only.Doltan, I'll get youa new arm in America.I go to America!America!Wave goodbye to yourclock radio, asshole!If you cheat on me,I will come over there......and snap off your cock.JFK INTERNATIONAL AIRPOR New York CityI arrived in America's airportwith clothings, U.S. dollars......and a jar of Gypsy tearsto protect me from AIDS.Stand clear of the closing doors,please.Hello, my name Borat.I not American. I new in town.Nice to meet you.Hello, nice meet you.Hey, what your name?My name is mind your ownfucking business.Stand clear of the closing doors,please.Oh, hello. Nice meet you.My name Borat.- What's happening?- Nice meet you.Get the fuck out of herebefore I break your jaw, bro.- Yo, step the fuck off, bro.- Okay. Okay.- You're fucking with the wrong one, man.- Okay. Sorry.Oh, shit.Okay, okay, wait.I get it. Please, relax.I'll get him! CarefuI, he bite.- Hey, man, what are you doing?- Okay, relax.Okay. Okay.Okay, okay, relax.Okay. Okay, wait.Okay, no problem. Sorry.Welcome to the Wellington HoteI.GUY BORGES,Manager, Wellington HoteIDo you want to pay for the entire stay now?- I pay for one night. How much?- Fine.One night is $ 117.13.We'll call it 85.No, we can call it 117.Let me get the door for you.Come on in.Very nice.Very nice room.We're not in the room yet, sir.Hold on.You might wanna repack.We're gonna be moving again shortly.I will not move to a smaller room.Sir, this is your floor.I'm gonna take you to your room.- This is not my room?- This is the elevator.It takes you to the floorwhere your room is.Nice. Nice.King in the castle.King in the castle.I have a chair. I have a chair.Oh, go do this. Go do this.King in the castle.Hello, nice meet you.My name Borat.I am new in town.- Get away from me.- I just- I kiss you, say hello.It arrive.Hello, my name Borat.I am new in town.- I say hello and I-- Do not touch me.- Do not get near my face.- I kiss you.Yeah, you kiss me,I'll pop you in the fucking balls.What mean, "balls"?Very nice.Very nice. How much?Hello, nice meet you. My name Borat.Get away!What are you doing?Wait, I want to say hello.What is the problem?This has beenmost happiest day of my lifes.I was very exciteto start my reportings.America is known for itssense of humor.UN survey say Kazakhstanhave 98th lowest humor.We must improve.Hurry, hurry.Just dry him, no hand relief.How is my back pussy?Not bad. Moist.So what time this interview?Soon, my friend.Gently.Enough!- Hello. My name's Pat Haggerty."PAT HAGGERTY - Humor Coach"- Nice meet you. Borat.- Nice to meet you.Should I make a jokeabout my mother-in-law?Yes. In America,that's a very popular joke.- Do you have a mother-in-law joke?- Yes.I had sexy-timewith my mother-in-law.- A what time?- Sexy-time.I made sexy-timewith my mother-in-law.- You had sex with your mother-in-law?- Yes.I don't think that Americanswould find that funny.- No, it is not a joke.- Yeah.We're talking about humor.Yes, you asked me aboutmy mother-in-law.Do you have a joke about her?No, why make a jokeon a mother-in-law?Do you ever laugh on peoplewith a retardation?Here in Americawe try not to make fun of......or be funny with thingsthat people don't choose.But perhaps you have not seensomeone with a very funny retardation.My brother, Bilo,have a very funny retardation.MentaI retardation causes a lot of painand hardship for a lot of families.Sometime my sister, she show hervagina to my brother, Bilo, and say:"You will never get this!You will never get this! "He behind his cage, crazy, crazy.Everybody laugh.She go, "You never get this! "But one time, he break cageand he get this.And then we all laugh.High five!Now...No, that would not be funnyin America, okay?What is "not" jokes?A "not" joke is when we're tryingto make fun of something......and what we do is we makea statement that we pretend is true......but, at the end, we say, "Not,"which means it's not true.So teach me how to make one.- All right, what color is your suit?- This suit is gray.Gray, I would call it blue, okay?- It's gray.- All right, it's blue-gray.But it's certainlynot black, right?- Let's say it's gray, but-- It is gray.Okay, so a "not" joke,I would say:"That suit is black. Not! "This suit is not black.- No, no, "not" has to be the end.- Oh, okay.This suit is black not.This suit is black, pause-You know what a pause is?- Yes.- This suit is black. Not!This suit is black. Pause. Not.No, you don't say "pause. "This suit is black.That's a pause. Not!This suit is black.Okay...- I don't- I'm not-- Not!Everybody say U.S.A. televisionmuch better......but this I watch for three hours,do not change.There's a remote controI here.Push these two arrowsto change the channeI.I got him, I got him, I got him!I have the urge tobury something else.Yes!- I love you.- Oh, I love you too, Jamie.I love you.- Do you believe in magic, Miss-?- Parker, C.J.It's a pleasure to meet you, C.J.Be carefuI! Be carefuI, C.J.!This C.J. was like no Kazakh womanI had ever seen.She had golden hairs,teeth as white as pearls......and the asshole of a 7-year-old.For the first time in my lifes......I was in love.Get up! Get up!Why aren't you ready!We have people to interview today.I understand.Learn what you can fromthis women's group.My hair?It's beautifuI. Don't worry.In Kazakhstan it is illegaI for more thanfive woman to be in the same place......except for in brotheI or in grave.In the U.S. and A., many womens meetin groups called Feminists.I find more."VETERAN FEMINISTS OF AMERICA"So, what means this feminism?It's the theory that womenshould be equaI to men......in matters economic, sociaI-- Now you are laughing.- Yes.That is the problem.Do you think a womanshould be educate?Definitely.But is it not a problem that a womanhave a smaller brain than a man?That is wrong.But the government scientist,Dr. Yamak,prove it's the size of squirreI.Your government's scientist?- Yes, Dr. Yamak.- He's wrong. He's wrong.Give me a smile, baby.Why angry face?Well, what you're sayingis very demeaning.- Do you know the word "demeaning"?- No.We are saying to you...I could not concentrate on whatthis old man was saying.All I could think about was thislovely woman in her red water-panties.Who was this C.J.?Last night I see in my hoteI room......a woman called C.J.on the television.- Do you know her?- No.She from a towncalled Baywatches.- She's just on television.- Her name is Pamela.- Do she live here in New York City?- She lives in California.- In the California.- He's gonna look her up.Okay, can we finish now?Listen, pussycat, smile a bit.- All right. That's it. I'm done.- We're finished. We have to leave.Although I was obsessed by this C.J.,I could not pursue her......or else my wifewould snap off my cock.Mr. Sagdiyev?- Yes?- I have a telegram for you.- You can read?- Yes, I can."Dear Borat Sagdiyev......your wife, Oxna......was walking your retarded Biloin the woods......when a bear attackedand violated and break her.She is now dead. "You say my wife is dead?This is what it's...Yes, sir. I'm sorry to inform you,but that's what the telegram says.High five! Great!What do you mean, California?I have arranged all our filmingfor New York.But we need to leave New Yorkto find the reaI America:Rodeos, cowboys...It will be better for our documentary.But why California?What's there?PearI Harbor is there...And so is Texas.Eventually, I persuade Azamatthat we would travel to California......and make our reportingsalong the way.He insists we not fly in case the Jewsrepeated their attack of 9-11.Okay, I'll find another wayfor us to get there.My name is Mike.I'm gonna be your driving instructor."MICHAEL PSENICSKA,Perry Hall Driving SchooI"Welcome to our country, okay.- My name Borat.- Okay, okay. Good, good.Well, I'm not used to that,but that's fine.Now, you do knowhow to drive a little bit?- Yes.- Yes. Put it in D.- What?- Drive.Now, wait a second. Wait a second.- Have you driven a car before?- Yes, many times.All right, let's go this way.I don't want you hitting anybody.Use two hands, now.- What?- Two hands.But then it look like I am holdinga Gypsy while he eat my chram.I don't care. You use two handswhen you drive, okay?Okay.- Okay.- Watch the children.Okay, no problem.You must not hit the children.Look, there is a woman in a car.Can we follow her?- And maybe make sexy-time with her?- No, no, no.- Let's get her. Why not?- No, no, no.Because a woman has a rightto choose who she has sex with.- What? You joke?- How about that? Isn't that amazing?There must be consent.How about that?That's good, huh?- Is not good for me.- It is good.- Steer the car.- Okay.- You want have a drink?- You can't drink that.- Why not? What?- It's against the law.Who is this car that follow us?I wish it didn't follow us.- I don't know.- Maybe we'll lose them.No, we better not lose them.Hey, don't look at me.Eat my tits!We'll make a right turn up here.Don't look at me like that.I will eat your shit.- Hey, you fuck my mother!- Hey, hey.- No, he do before. He look on me.- You can't do that.They're gonna throw us in jaiI,me with you.Why in a jaiI? He look on me.- Behind.- You can't say that.I like you, do you like me?- I do like you.- You are my friend?You're nice and I am your friend.You will be my boyfriend?- I won't be your boyfriend.- Why not? You do not like me?I could be. It depends.Well, boyfriend, yeah, I can.Great success.Now time to make purchaseof motorcars.I want to have a car that attracta woman with a shave down below.Well, that would be a Corvetteor a Hummer.JIM SELL GM Salesman Well, thatwould be a Corvette or a Hummer.JIM SELLGM SalesmanJIM SELL GM Salesman We willtry to help you out here.We will try to help you out here.A man yesterday tell meif I buy a car......I must buy onewith a pussy magnet.He means a car that women will like.Yes, but where you keepthis magnet?No, there's no magnet. That was just-He means the vehicle.Women love the Hummers.- Do this have a pussy magnet?- No.The vehicle itself will be a magnet.If I give you good price,will you please put in pussy magnet?Yeah, but there's no such thingin this country as a magnet.If this car drive intoa group of Gypsy......will there be any damage to the car?- It depends on how hard you hit them.- Hard.Yeah, hard. You might......if somebody rolls on the windshield,crack your windshield.How fast do I need to goto guarantee I kill him?Let me tell you something,with this vehicle, probably doing 35...- ... 40 miles an hour would do it.- Great.When I buy my wife......at the start,she was cook good.....her vagina work welland she strong on plow.But after three years,when she was 15......then she become weak, her voicebecome deep, "Borat, Borat. "She receive hair on chest......and her vaginahang like sleeve of wizard.How do I know thatthis will not happen with a car?Chevrolet guarantees thatwith a warranty.I like very much buy this Hummers.- How much is it?- Fifty-two thousand.I am looking for something between$600 to $650.We don't have any cars for 650that you can buy.I might be able to sell youa wholesale car.A car with a lot of miles for 700with no warranty.- Okay.- Come on.California, I coming!First stops on our journeywas Washington, D. C......home of mighty U.S. warlord,Premier Bush.Look who has an embassy here!Uzbekistan. Fuck you, motherfuckers!Look who has an embassy here!Uzbekistan.Fuck you, motherfuckers!We arrive here to learnfrom American politic.Azamat arrange interviewwith Party official from ruling regime.BOB BARR Former Georgia Congressman Azamat arrangeinterview with Party official from ruling regime.- We are good friend, Bob Barr, yes?- I hope so. "BOB BARR,Former Georgia Congressman"It is a custom have cheeseat the start.Thank you.My wife, she make this cheese.Very nice.She make it from milk from her tit.After interview, I encounterstraditional American street festival.GAY PRIDE PARADEPeople here were much more friendlythan in New York.Next morning, I interview politicianwho is a genuine chocolate-face.No makeup.On Sunday,I arrive in Washington."ALAN KEYES,2x Republican PresidentiaI Candidate"On Sunday,I arrive in Washington.There was a parade.I make two friendsfrom this parade.I invite them backmy hoteI room.We drink like normalin Kazakhstan.We wrestle like normalin Kazakhstan.Then they say,"I wash you in a shower,"and he wash me in a shower.It sounds likeyou met somebody who is from......what is called in America,the gay community.- What it mean, "gay," this word?- HomosexuaI.A homosexuaI? You mean...?Are you telling me the man who tryto put a rubber fist in my anus......was a homosexuaI?Even though my anus was broken......I knew that rest of our journeywould be great success.We left Washingtonand continued towards California.Howdy, partners!Yes, minister, we're on schedule.Yes, I'm standing inthe middle of Times Square.It's time to prepare for yourTV appearance.Remember to talk of singingnationaI anthem at rodeo.Don't worry, I am a Tv professionaI.Now, building our station around you.This is 16 WAPT News This Morning......named best newscast in the stateby the Associated Press.This morning we havea speciaI guest here in the studio.This is Borhat Sagadiyev.He is traveling across America to getthe taste of life here in the United States.He spent the last few days here.- Good morning to you.- Hello, my name Borat. Hello.Hello. Thank you.Before we start, can you tell me,because I want make urines......then I come back here and...If you tell meone minute before we start-We started. We are actually liveon the air right now.- I am very excite.- Yes.Hello, U.S. and A.! Hello, U.S. and A.!I'm very excite!I'm very excite to be here.And hello!Hello to you as well.Now, reaI quickly, why are you herein the United States?Because I want to learnfrom U.S. and A......your culture, and to understandfrom how a thing happen......and to take this lessonback to my country.- All right. Would you like to have a seat?- Yes.Please sit, please sit, please sit.Now, one of the thingsthat you've enjoyed so much about-Can I have a microphoneso people can hear me?They can hear you right now.You are miked up.This right here,that's the microphone.Hello. Hello, nice meet you.Well, welcome to the United States.Thank you very much for coming on.When you come to Kazakhstan...- ... you can stay in my house.- Well, thank you so much.You can sleep my houseand you can use my sister.Meteorologist Ken Johnsonwill have the latest......on tropicaI storm Emilywhen we return.Ten seconds, stand by.This is 16 WAPT News This Morning.Traffic is flowing along smoothlyalong Interstate 55.Dry conditions.If you're heading to the north......not too far away from Attala County,there's some showers there.Check that out onthe radar this morning and-Thank you, very nice for have me.What your name?We're on air right nowdoing the weather.- What your name?- We're doing the weather right now.Go over here with Adrian.She's calling you to go over here.- It is a she?- Yes.- Very nice.- Yeah, go. Go-- Go over here with-- What is your name?I'm the weather guy.Okay...Let's go over to the weather.You can see the radar, right now......showing some showersand storms up to the north-Okay. All right, let me-Nice to meet you.Showers and storms north ofYazoo City up towards Kosciusko-Thank you, bye-bye.You're singing at a rodeo tonight!Why didn't you mention it?What can I do, they are notprofessionaI.Get a move on, we haveWe welcome you to the 38th annualKroger Valleydale Championship Rodeo.Of course, every picturethat we get back......from the terrorists or anything else,the Muslims, they look like you...- ... black hair and a black mustache.- Yes.Shave that dadgummed mustache offso you're not so conspicuous.So you look like maybe an Italianor something......as far as when peoplelooking at you.I see a lot of people and I think,"There's a dadgummed Muslim.I wonder what kind of bombhe's got strapped to him. "- Yes.- And you probably aren't a Muslim.- Maybe that's not your religion.- No, I am a Kazakh. I follow the hawk.But you look like one of them.This thing gets over withand when we win it......and kick the butts over there......and all of them son-of-a-buckshanging from the gallows......by that time,you will have proven yourself......and you'll be accepted.- Take care.- Thank you.- I ain't gonna kiss you.- Why not?The people that do the kissingare the ones that float around like that.- Are they all...?- Yeah. Stay away from them that kiss.- Okay.- You don't want nobody kissing.In my country they take them to jaiIand finish them.- Take them and hang them.- Yes.- That's what we're trying to get done.- High five.Ladies and gentlemenof Salem, Virginia......would you please give a warm,American welcome......to a gentleman who has comeall the way from Kazakhstan......and we are honoredto have singing our nationaI anthem.Ladies and gentlemen,Borat Sagdiyev.My name Borat.I come from Kazakhstan.Can I say first,we support your war of terror.May we show our supportto our boys in Iraq.May U.S. and A.kill every single terrorist.May your George Bushdrink the blood......of every single man, womanand child of Iraq.Yeah!May you destroy their countryso that for the next thousand years......not even a single lizardwill survive in their desert.To show our friendship......I now will singour Kazakh nationaI anthem......to the tune ofyour nationaI anthem.Please stand.We nearly died last night.This journey is cursed.We should have stayed in New York.I was sad.The rodeo peoplesdid not like me.What if Pamela didnot like me too?We needed somethingto change our fortunes.Look, Azamat, a Gypsy village.Let us extract some of their tearsso we can remove the curse.Do not fear me, Gypsy,all I want from you is your tears.Please give them to meor I will take them.I'm not a Gypsy.I'm a Midwestern farmer's daughter.Americana.You have many treasures.Who did you rob for this?We didn't rob them.They came from the house.I will look in your treasures, Gypsy.Is this understood?I will look on them.Please do.Who is this lady you have shrunk?Was she the owner of this housethat you camp in front of?There's a couple more child's dolls.Do not try and shrink me, Gypsy.I serious.- These are your spells?- No.There's a good one,The Millionaire Mindset.There you go.- Baywatch.- Baywatch?It means she love me.Azamat!Azamat, great success!I've got the tears.Onwards to California!Let's go.What's that you've got there?It's nothing. Don't worry about it.Are we going the right way?I don't know, this map is from 1917.Where the hell are we?Hey, stop that goddamn van!Hey, baby, wanna go out?Wanna go out, honey?I'm going to stop and ask.No, no, no, keep going. Keep going.I need the directionto California, please.- To California?- You a long way from home.Who you with, man?Who you with, who you with?I traveI with my friend, Azamat Bagatov.We traveI across the country.You can't be talking all that.You gotta be talking English right here.You look like MichaeI Jackson, "Beat It. "Man, you better-I like you peoples.Can you teach me how to dress?How can I be like you?You need to let them jeans down.Pull them down?Don't pull them down like-- Like a ho?- No, no, no.- Like a this?- Yeah.But don't showyour Huggies though, man.What the hell? Is that fishnet?No, no, no, these are my antipants.- What kind of music you listen to?- I like very much Corky Bucek.You know Corky Bucek?Can you teach me speak like you?What you trying to say?- How you say, "How do you do?"- What's up with it?- What's that with it?- Yeah.Pull over and let's seeif we can stay here.What's up with it, vanilla-face?Me and my homey, Azamat,just parked our slab outside.Please.We are looking for somewhere topost up our black asses for the night.So bang-bang, skeet-skeet, nigga.We just a couple of pimps, no ho's.- Sir, you gotta leave.- Okay.Leave now or we're gonna call the copsand we'll have you taken out.We can't stay here,they are 'player haters. '- Hi. Hello.- You have a room for tonight?Oh, yes. Yes, definitely.- Come on in.- Great.Your friend also.A beautifuI house, this.All the paintingsin the house, I did.What is this man?This is a Yemenite Jew andhe's working on a piece of jewelry.They, Yemenites,were also jewelers.Why you have a picture of a Jew?Because I'm Jewish, so Ihave lots of pictures of Jews.This is the room and...- Do you need two pillows?- Yes.Great. Thank you. Lovely place.They're Jews.I know that now.They'll kill us.We need to escape.- Wait, wait.- Okay.Hello.- How are you?- Great.You guys getting settled in?This is a speciaI sandwich for you.I not so hungry.He can eat this.He fat.No, no.- You gonna eat, because-- Take a half.- Take a half and then you'll see.- Take a half.Yeah. I not so hungry.You eat a little bit.Go ahead and eat somethingbecause you're hungry.Yes.I don't want to see you go hungry.What is this picture over here?Okay...It is 3 in the morning.I am in a nest of Jews.They have cleverly shiftedtheir shapes.One of them has taken the formof a little old woman.You can barely see her horns.She have tried topoison me already.These rats are very clever.Look, the Jews haveshifted their shapes.OK, OK. How much shallI give them?I don't know...More. Give them more.Go. Go.Let's go back to New York,at least there's no Jews there.Calm down.We'll keep heading to California.Why California?What's so speciaI about California?We are going to California!And get killed on the way?!Relax, Azamat!I will get us protection.What is the best gunto defend from a Jew?I would recommendeither a 9 millimeter or a. 45.Very nice.It like I movie star, Dirty Harold.- Yes, sir.- Come on and make my day, Jew.But he would not sell me gunsince I not American.So I look for other protection.MUNCH RANCHExotic AnimaI Dealer- What type of dog is this?- This is a tortoise.Is this a cat in a hat?No, it's a tortoise in a shell.Yes.I need animaI for protection.What you have for me?We're safe.Now we continue to California.High five!Great! Nice.Switch it off.It so annoying!Ice cream!Happy times. We were safeand well on our way to Pamela.It was time to get back to work.Kazakhstan needs to learnabout American fine dining.First, a lady willteach you southern manners.How long have I got?An hour. Then you havedinner date with high society.Hello and nice meet you."KATHIE B.MARTIN-Etiquette Coach"Hello, it's so nice to meet you.Welcome to America.Will you please teach mehow to dine like gentleman?Of course, I'll be happy to.Is it polite to greet peoplewhen I make entry?"THE MAGNOLIA MANSION-Dining Society"Yes, it is.- Let me introduce you around.- Yes.- You're gonna have to-- I'm Mike. Mike Jared.Hello, I'm Bethany Weston.- Lovely to see you.- Nice.- How you do?- How do you do? My name's Ben.Should I pay interest in peoplesaround the table-sides?Yes.And, if it is a big table,a very long table......you might want to restrictyour conversation...- Yes.- ... to people right in your vicinity.- Very nice.- So you are not yelling.What do you do?- I'm the pastor of a church.- Yes.- What do you do?- I have spent years in construction.I'm recently retired.- You are retard?- Yes.PhysicaI or mentaI?- Retired.- No, no, not retarded.- I don't work anymore.- Stopped working.It's very good you allow retard......to eat with you in the same place.That's not what we're sayingabout this man.He is not whatyou would refer to as retard.- No.- No, no. Not at all.Do you have a telephonein this village?Of course.Should I show photos of my family?You have photos of your family?WonderfuI.This my favorite son, Huey Lewis.- Okay.- Yes.- He looks happy.- Yes.He very strong.- My goodness, is that him holding you?- Yes. Very strong.He grow three centimeter.He now 17 centimeter long.I'm not sure I would show thesephotos of him without clothes on.Should I pay complimentsto the peoples?Yes, but only if you truly agreewith that compliment.You have a very gentle face...- ... and a very erotic physique.- Thank you.- You're correct.- Yes.That's a very good observation.She is your wife?Nope. That's my wife.In my country,they would go crazy for these two.Not so much.What should I say ifI need to go to the shit hole?You mean to the restroom?- To the place to make the shit.- The bathroom? Okay. What you-Not to bath. To make dirt from anus.- Not a bath, right. The toilet.- The brown-- Where you make- You understand?- Yes. Yes.- Bad? Bad thing from it.- Yes.- What you do is you say:- Brown."Excuse me,I need to go to the restroom. "Excuse me, is it possibleto go and do a, you know...- To be excused?- How you say in the, you know...Upstairs.Just say, "Excuse me a moment. "- I need to go, what you say...- That works. Thank you.- Can you go upstairs?- Yes, thank you.I think that the culturaI differencesare vast...- Exactly.- ... and I think he's a delightfuI man.....and it wouldn't take very much timefor him to really become Americanized.Thank you very much.I feeI much better.- Cindy, where shall I put this?- Just-Where should I put this?Maybe in the other restroomdown here.In the-Excuse me-Excuse me for just a moment, please.You roll off like this......and you wipe your bottomand you put the paper- Look.- You, wipe mine?- No, I don't. You do.- This is a very private thing.- The host cleans the anus of the other?No, no, no.Nobody touches you, except you.Can I bring a guest to dinner?If you have been invitedto a home or to a party...- Yes.- ... it is acceptable to bring a guest...- ... if you ask your host in advance.- Yes.GeneraI Stonewall Jackson,Robert E. Lee.I think this my friend.- Hello?- Hi, I'm looking for Borat.- Yes, it's me.- Oh, hi, honey.- I'm Luenell. Hi, hi.- Hello, nice to meet you.- This my friend, Luenell.- Hi.Oh, okay...You all having a dinner party.Well, we were. I don't know exactlywhat all that we're doing-It is getting very, very late.Excuse me, I'm going to have to go.- Okay. Very nice.- It's getting very, very late......and it's time that, you know......we were endingour dinner party and everything.- I apologize-- But can't she come for desserts?Absolutely not,and neither can you.- The sheriff is on his way.- I hope so.I've already called them.Why you call police?Have the retard escaped?I want say I very sorryhow they treat you in this house.Thank you.I was thinkingmaybe I'd just take the night off.Why don't we just go outand have some fun?What do you think about that?You want to come with us?Up yours!Hi! My name Borat.- This my friend, Luenell.- Hi, Luenell.She is a prostitute.You were funny on that bull.Everybody almostsee your underpants.I never rode a bull before.Well, you wanna-?You wanna come in for a little while?I would like very much......but I in lovewith a woman in Malibu.It would not be nice to herfor me to...Okay, well, if you're ever in town again,this way, you know, look me up.If I ever in town again, Luenell......I would very much liketo pay you for sex.Good night, Luenells.Good night, Borat.You say my name right. Borat.People say Borakor Billy or Bob.Bye."Pamela is a fairly simple girI,she recently explained.'There's not a whole lot of logicin the way I live my life.I am very spontaneous. ' "I'm very spontaneous too.I needed a gift to give to Pamela......so that she would grant meentry into her vagina.Therefore, I convinced Azamat to let mefilm a report in an American store.Don't spend more than $3.We're low on money.This your shops?Right, this is my antique shop.Why do you have so many thingswith a flag?We're honoring our heritage.Now, what in here? What is this?These are a number of collectibles.I mean, this is a lamp that, you know,you would use in your home.This is a Chinese cloisonn bell.And this is a littledecorative duck.And do you think, you know,when they-?I'm sorry. Wait, wait, wait.- We need help, baby.- No, it's okay.I sorry.Sorry. I will repair all of this.Don't worry. My friend,he can make glue and-I don't think you're gonna be able toglue it. You're gonna have to pay for it.Okay, I have a digitaI watchfrom the future.I will give you.Is worth more than all of this.You broke $425 worth of stuff.Hundred and sixty, 170, 180.- That's not enough.- Do you want hair-?No, I don't want any damn hair.This is best hair in Kazakhstan.FeeI the quality.I don't want your damn hair.This is hair from pubis.I can get 2000 bags by next Friday.We don't use that stuffin this country.Have you offered them pubic hair?Yes!Just give me another 20.It was a mistake.You screwed up again.I didn't see the truck.I slipped on it and that was it.Only an idiot could do this.Would you have believed this if Ihad told you? All right. Go. Go. Go.You've ruined this documentaryand almost bankrupt us.So call the ministryand get more money.What?! If I did that,they would kill us!California had better be as goodas you say, or we're finished.You bastard.What's the matter with you?How dare you makehand-party over Pamela.Why do you care who Ipleasure myself to?Because I love this woman.She's the reasonwe traveI to California!What?You lied to me!You lied about California!Eat my asshole!Holy...Okay.We have a speciaI guest herethis evening. Ruth Feiner is here."MORTGAGE BROKERS - ANNUAL BANQUET"Get the fuck out of here!So bad news.Azamat have leave.I wake up, he disappear......and he take Oxana, my bear.Our bear.And he also decideto take all money......and also my passport.And he leave me......only this bag, with a hen......and ticket to Kazakhstan.But no passport.But at least he is......man enough to leave me......my beautifuI.Which I have cleanedsince last night.And I have decide to......continue making documentary.Make it without Azamat.I think it will be better......and we will have moresuccess without him.I only want 17 cents, please.I had no car, no moneyand no Azamat.The only thing keep me going......was my dream of one dayholding Pamela in my arms......and then making romance explosionon her stomach.Eventually, I managed to hike a hitchingswith group of young scholars......also traveling across country.CHI PSI FRATERNITY BROTHERUniv. of S. Carolina- How you doing? How you doing?- Where the fuck are you from, baby?I am from Kazakhstan.- Welcome to fucking America!- Hey, have a seat. Let's go.- What's your name?- Anthony.- Anthony?- Yes.- Anthony.- And Justin.- Justin.- And David.- David.- Bartender Dave.Very nice.- Can you open this, please?- Oh, sure.Thank you very much.So you like the bitches out therein the fucking old Russia, there?- What?- The bitches in old Russia.How are the women?The fucking ho's, baby!The fucking girls!- You fuck the shit out of them!- Yes!Then you never call them again.Why you don't call them? Becausethey do not have a telephone, yes?No, not because of that.They don't have my respect,you know? I mean...So, what are you doinghere in America?They film me traveIacross U.S. and A.I don't know what you'resaying, man, but that's cooI!Let's get drunk!- Yes! High five!- High five!This is America in a bottle.- Oh, baby!- Oh, baby!- Borat, let me hear it. Oh, baby!- Oh, the baby!Suck, suck, suck!Let me tell you game we play.Can I hear a game you play?We play a game called"When the snake eat the pig. "- When the snake eat the huh?- The snake eat the pig.- You get a baby mouse, very small...- Baby mouse?...and you put a bit of cheese inhole of your chram,untiI it go inside.That is too crazy for me.I'll do it. I don't give a fuck,I'll do it.Let me ask you this.Are woman-?Are women your slaves in Russia?No. Do you have slaves here?- We wish. We wish.- No slaves.- It is a shame.- Hey, Borat.Big shame. Big shame.It would be better country if...Yes, it'd be better country.We should have slaves.Our country,the minorities actually have more power.Anyone that is minorityhas the upper hand.We have the Jews. We have anybodythat's against the mainstream.- Do you want to see my new wife?- Yes!This my new wife.- Pamela!- You know her?Pamela! I know of Pamela.I will take her virginfor the first time.- I am going to put this shit on.- Put it on.Borat, Borat.We have a lot to talk about.I will take her virgin.I will uncork her.Borat, Borat.She is no virgin, Borat.- Is not true.- She is no virgin, buddy.Is not true. Liar!Liar, liar, your panties on fire.Borat, shut up.Small Jacuzzi ona fucking small yacht.What she do?- She's sucking some dick, man.- You see her sucking dick?This is not her.I guarantee you that shit'sgonna happen. Don't worry about it.- That's her, Borat. Sorry.- Borat, that's her.This is not her.It's her. I'm sorry.- I'm sure it's her.- I go.- No, no, no.- Titty bar.Come here.You're my man. You're my man.I do not know whyshe is trying to do this.- Come on, Borat. Stay with us, buddy.- We love you.We'll remember you always.Like I taught you.Wait.You're in America now.You'll make it.You- You keep going, okay?You are bigger than a woman.You are better than a woman.We will always be behind you.- Do not let a woman ever, ever...- We'll always be-...make you who you are.- Goodbye, my friends.- Goodbye.My ticket.How will I get home?I sorry, my friend.Go.Go.Run to freedom.Go! Go and live your life!Come on!CHARLES "CHIP" PICKERING U.S.CongressmanIt is good to be here.This is my 1 Oth PentecostaIcamp meeting. A decade.The bottom line is,we're a Christian nation now...JIM SMITH,Chief Justice,State Supreme CourtThe bottom line is,we're a Christian nation now......we were one in the beginning.....and we gonna always be a Christiannation untiI the good Lord returns. Amen.I didn't evolve out of a monkey.I didn't use to be a tadpole.I is what I is.Praise you, Jesus.The Bible says that Godwas manifest in the flesh......and believed on in the world.I got good news.Jesus is God in the flesh.I don't care what the deviI's doneto you or what he's trying to do.All you gotta dois step out of that aisle now......and make your waydown to this altar.Let's have a littleold-time church right now.I need somebody to pray withme right now. Come on, sir!The blood over my neighbor.I bleed the blood over my church.I want you to help me,save me, please.Ladies and gentlemen,the gentleman here......standing right next to me,his name is Bolak.Would you greet him with a great bigJesus name for just a couple of minutes?Thank you.I have no friends.I am alone in this country.Nobody like me.My only friend, Azamat......he take my money and my bearand he leave me alone.Not only this.The woman I love, the reasonI traveI across the country......she have do something terribleon a boat...- ... and now I can never forgive her.- You have to.Is there anybody who can help me?Yes. The one that can help youis who we preached about tonight.- Jesus.- Do Jesus like me?Absolutely, Jesus loves you.Do Jesus like my sons?Jesus loves your sons.Do Jesus lovemy retard brother, Bilo?He loves your brother, Bilo.Do Jesus love my neighbor,Nursultan Tulyakbay?Yes. He loves everybody.Nobody love my neighbor,Nursultan Tulyakbay.Can Jesus heaI the painthat is in my heart?Jesus can heaI your painin your heart.Make him heaI the painthat is in my heart.- Lift your hands and begin to worship.- Lift your hands.Would you lift your hands with himas we pray in the name of Jesus.- God, forgive me of my sins.- God, forgive me-- Forgive me, God. Cleanse me.- Cleanse me.Cleanse me, Lord,in the name of Jesus.Yeah, let that tongue go.Here it comes.We're gonna speak in other tongues.Let that tongue go.Yes, God. Yes, God. Yes, God.Yes! Yes!I will forgive Pamelaand I will go to California.I will go to Malibu with meand my friend, Mr. Jesus......and together we will take her!I took a bus to Los Angeles......with some friends of Mr. Jesus.Finally, I had arrived.Happy times.Marilyn.Azamat?You traitor!Look, I can explain.You attack me. My moustachestill taste of your testes!Calm down.Let me explain.What did you do with the bear?She ran off. I'm sorry,I'm sorry.Hey! Fuck off, Death!You need to calm yourself!You have to calm down!Well, that's another finemess you've gotten me into.I had not come to Hollywoodto fight a man dressed as Hitler.I had come to makePamela Andersons my wife.So I forgave Azamat.I knew you'd make it here, Borat.I felt so bad thatI prepare this for you.It's everything I couldfind on Pamela.Last Friday she appeared for a groupwho are against cruelty to animals.Against cruelty to animals?And tomorrow she'sdoing a signing.She wrote a book.What? A woman has written a book?Dr. Yamak would never believe this.I know.We will go to thishistoricaI event......and I will marry Pamela there......but in the traditionaIKazakhi way.Azamat, let's prepare thewedding sack.You forgive me, yes?Yes.Having learned many lessonsfrom U.S. and A......I will now teach America howto have a wedding Kazakhi-style.You find more.PAMELA ANDERSONAUTOGRAPH SIGNING, Orange, CAVery excite. Very excite.Hi. Hi, everyone.I love you.It is me, Borat.- Well, thanks for coming, you guys.- Thank you!I love Pamela Anderson.- Really?- Yes.Go ahead.- Hi.- Hello.Make it out to someone?My name Borat Sagdiyev.I son of Asimbala Sagdiyev......and Boltak, the rapist.I former husband of Oxana Sagdiyev......who was daughter ofMiriam Tulyakbay......and Boltak, the rapist.I make this for you, this...There are our name.My name- Your name,Pamela Anderson and Borat Sagdiyev.Here's today's date.And this say that it is today's date,our wedding......and then this inside is silk.Pamela, will you marry me?No, thanks. I'm sorry.No. Agreement not necessary.Oh, my God! Oh, my God!Get off!- Get your own wife!- Fucking shit!Come on, get her!Wait, Pamela.Don't worry, I nervous too!Pamela, wait.Pamela, I will give youyour own plow.Get out of the way!Watch out, watch out.- Get on the ground.- Hands behind your back.- Okay. Pamela...- We're gonna stand you up.- Bring your knees up.- All right.Pamela,I am not attracted to you anymore!Not!I was humiliated.It was time for meto return to New York......where a ticket was waiting for meto fly back home.While I sat on the bus, I thought ofmy journey over the past three weeks.The great times.The good times.And the shit times.Mainly, they were shit times.I had come to Americato learn lessons for Kazakhstan......but what had I learned?Suddenly, I realized.I had learned thatif you chase a dream......especially one with plastic chests......you can miss the real beautyin front of your eyes.Hi.Welcome back in my town of Kuzcek.Since I return,there have been much improvements.We no longer haveRunning of the Jew.It's crueI.We Christians now.Doltan improve too.Hey, Doltan. High five!Great.Come my house.There Nursultan Tulyakbay.He still asshole.I get iPod.He only get iPod Mini.Everybody know it for girls.Come.And this my beautifuI wife.Thank you for watch my film.I hope you like.You’re such a slug, gtfo

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raybansandcoffee · 8 years

Text

I Want To Write You a Song (One Direction)

Seven Years Later… Annie

“Are you almost ready, Sugar?” Harry yelled from the other room as I slid the red lipstick across my lips. I replaced the lid, did one last check and walked towards the bedroom. “Ready,” I said as I leaned against the door frame. Harry was sitting on the end of the bed putting his boots on. He looked up at me, his hair hanging in his eyes. He flipped his head and I watched the curls move as if it was slow motion. “Fuck. Even after all these years you still know how to make my heart stop. When did you get this outfit?” I walked towards where he was sitting, my heels clicking against the herringbone wood floors in the room. I straddled his lap, my skirt sliding up before my fingers quickly ran through his long curls. His green eyes sparkled with the light that peaked in from the window from the city outside that transitioned in to night. He smiled and there it was, the gymnastics team in my stomach. Someone must’ve done a vault because I felt my heart get kicked to my throat as his dimples formed.

“A while ago. Lyla and I went shopping. Lizzy and Kim were at footie games for the kids. You were in meetings. So I told Lyla she was in charge of helping me find something that would drive you wild.” I’d opted for a short pale pink skirt that flared out from my waist and stopped mid-thigh. I had black tights, black heels and a black long sleeved top on. I felt his hands start to rub my thighs under my skirt. “Well, you look stunning. And I’m beginning to think we could be late to dinner.” He leaned forward finally kissing me as I felt his fingertips press hard in to my thighs. Just as my hands slid from his hair to the collar of his shirt there was a knock at the door. “Let's go!” Nate yelled. Harry huffed loudly and his head fell on to my chest. I could hear a small laugh sneak in to his heavy breathing. I kissed his neck and he whimpered softly. “After dinner. You. Me. This bed.” He was staring in my eyes. Those green eyes filled with lust and determination. “Deal,” I said kissing him and standing up. I pulled him off of the bed and quickly grabbed my phone and clutch from the table. Harry went to the armoire grabbing both of our jackets. I opened the door to find Kim and Nate waiting for us in the hallway. Nate was leaned against the wall next to the door checking email on his phone. Kim had a glass of champagne in her hand and was dancing to the sound of silence. “Already?” “You would too if you had my night last night. Nate’s little angel refused to sleep in her bed and would only sleep in bed with us. For being a three-year-old she kicks like she’s going to beat her older brothers for a spot with ManU already.” “I can’t even begin to say how proud I am that you can finally talk footie,” I said laughing. “Well, between he and Niall on Sundays and their plans for practice for a group of five and six year-olds to dominate their league, I can't even pretend like I don’t know. It’s upsetting. I’ve tried to get the boys to try basketball and they end up just hitting themselves in the head with the ball because they can’t get an arch to their shot. So they just kick it and proceed to play footie with their basketball, which is blasphemous.” “Mate, honestly that first trip here I never would’ve imagined you and Niall would be coaching a footie team of kids together,” Harry said laughing as he helped me put my jacket on and shut the door. “And I didn’t think you’d still be leaving the house with her lipstick smeared across your neck,” Nate said. I turned to see a red mark on Harry’s neck and couldn’t help but laugh as I reached to try and remove it. “But yes I also didn’t see Niall and I coaching footie together. But we are. I guess that is what happens when he marries your cousin. Which I also, never saw happening.” “Me either. But Lyla and Niall are quite adorable. Especially now that she’s got that tiny little baby bump showing,” I said. I watched Kim down the last of her glass of champagne. “Dimples, open the door and hide her empty glass in there.” Harry opened the door quickly and put the glass on the table inside the door. He took a peak in the mirror above the table at the lipstick on his neck. I saw him grab a tissue and wipe it off. “Does my lipstick look like I made that mark on you?” “Shockingly no. Somehow you don’t look like we were about to fuck, my neck however, did.” I laughed before lightly kissing his lips. “Good, now let’s go.” We headed to the elevator and I leaned in to Harry’s chest as he hugged me. “This is going to be our greatest trip yet,” he whispered. I glanced up at him and couldn’t help but smile. He looked really happy. “I know.” I turned to face Kim and Nate as they stood holding hands, her head rested on his shoulder. “So how many times have you checked in with Nana to see how the kiddos are?” “Only once, when we got to the hotel room,” Kim said. “We FaceTimed them so we could say hi.” “I may have text my Mum a few times on the train,” Nate sheepishly replied. “Loser.” Kim started to laugh at him. “Did she send pictures?” He nodded and pulled out his phone. “Aww look at Ollie!” Kim cooed as she looked at the phone. She flipped it and there I saw a picture of her youngest, Oliver, just six months old, covered in baby food. I could see his older brothers, Max and Jack, and sister, Evelyn, at the counter beside him. Nate’s mother had come down to London to stay with them and the kids’ nanny so we could go have this weekend getaway like we do every year. This trip was a few weeks later than usual and would be shorter than normal because Nate was in the middle of a big case. It had become tougher to get them away from their kids for long periods of time, four kids ages five and under meant that life was different for the Salsbury family than it had been when we first took this trip to Paris together seven years ago. “He’s growing so fast. I love that,” I said. Harry rubbed my shoulders. “He is pretty damn cute,” Harry said. “I feel like it’s been ages since I’ve seen him.” “Well, you two have been world travelers for a while,” Kim said laughing. “It’s been what a month almost two since you saw the kids.” “World Travelers?” Harry started laughing. “We spent some time in Los Angeles and she planned a trip for my birthday. We are less world traveler, more dual country dwellers” “I swear to you both. Next year for New Year’s everyone needs to not be pregnant and we need to go spend a week in Fiji. That was the best trip of my life. I literally just laid around in a bathing suit and watched him walk around shirtless. Well and there was sex. Fruity drinks with umbrellas and a lot of sex.” “I don’t need to hear about that,” Nate said pretending to gag as the door opened. We walked across the lobby of the hotel. I loved that we had come back to this hotel for this trip. It was where we stayed on our first trip to Paris, you could see the Eiffel Tower from the terrace off of our suite. The last several years we had rented flats so we had a kitchen and more space. This trip, being only Thursday through Sunday, we opted for the luxuries of a hotel. We stood waiting on the side walk for a moment until the car service that Harry had ordered arrived. It took off from the sidewalk and I laid my head against the window watching the city go by. People making their way in to small cafes for dinner or drinks. We’d come to Paris every year, sometimes more than once, and I was still mesmerized by everything I saw. “So Styles, did you get much work done in LA or Fiji?” “I mean….LA yes. Fiji not really. She got work done.” “I got a lot of the copy written for the book in LA and approved some of the layouts while we were in Fiji.” I was working on a book of my photography from over the years. I’d seen more of the world than I ever imagined and was approached by a publisher about my blog. We were putting parts of it together as a coffee table book with my photography. I had always kept my blog and been open about the relationship I had with Harry. We had several friends question if I should publish the book or even keep the blog, but I was excited. Nothing was going to be invasive in to our lives and we’d never felt like we had a negative reaction to sharing our lives through my blog. And to be able to show off the photos I’d taken over the last seven years of living in England and traveling around the world meant I was sharing my art, not just my life. “But he’s lying. He got work done.” “I wrote the introduction to the book, which I haven’t let her read. That’s all I’ve accomplished. I mean I got some stuff worked on with an artist in LA before we left. I maybe wrote a song or two while we were on vacation. Writing on vacation never seems like work, it seems like ‘the inspiration is there, take it!’ And she tends to just lay there reading so why not write if I can.” “They were great songs.” I turned to look at Harry and smiled as I squeezed his hand. “They were about you weren’t they?” Kim asked. I started to laugh. “You like every song he writes, especially if it’s about you. Conceited bitch.” I laughed harder. “Yes, me totally conceited.” “You do tend to love the songs I write about you,” Harry said. “Umm, excuse me, aren’t they all about me?” “Conceited bitch,” Kim said again. We all laughed. “Well, they are,” I said smiling. “I mean unless they are breakup songs in which case totally not about me. I’m not going anywhere.” “Good,” Harry said kissing my cheek. The car finally pulled up to the restaurant. I watched Kim glance out the window finally realizing where we were. She looked like her eyes got a little watery for a second. “Aww, how sentimental,” Kim said. “This is where we came for dinner our fist night in Paris seven years ago.” “And where I proposed to you,” Nate said as he helped Kim climb out of the car. “I love you,” Harry whispered in to my ear. “I love you.” I kissed him. “Now get out of the car, Dimples. It’s dinner time." “Yes, love.” He kissed me again and quickly jumped out of the car before reaching back and pulling me out. We walked inside, fingers intertwined as we always did if we went anywhere. Seven years later and we still looked for excuses to touch each other. We were quickly taken to the same private dining room that we’d eaten dinner in the first night in Paris on that first trip. We all sat in the exact seats we had sat in that night. I glanced around the room smiling. This tiny little dining room made perfectly for two or four people held a lot of memories for all of us. The waiter opened a bottle of champagne for us before leaving the room to give us time to look over the menu. “A toast,” Harry said. “To friendship, Paris, and love.” “Cheers,” I said clinking glasses with everyone and leaning over to kiss Harry. It was the same toast he’d made at our first dinner. That night he’d been determined that he was going to fit in to our group. It was early on in our relationship and a big night for Nate and Kim. Harry never had a reason to feel like he wasn’t a member of our little family, but I know there had been times where he was. He was younger, the new guy and trying hard to impress the friends of the girl he’d decided he was in love with. “You had something to do with this didn’t you,” Kim said looking at Nate after sitting her glass back down on the table. “I swear I didn’t,” he said. He held up his hands in defense and almost confusion. “Nope,” I said laughing. “For once Harry let me help plan. So I thought that it was appropriate to come back here for our first dinner this trip.” “Those two are so sappy and sentimental,” Nate said. “I know. It’s like they think we need help in the romance department. You’d think four kids would prove we still have a clue what we are doing,” Kim replied. I laughed and then felt the familiar feeling of Harry’s warm hand on my thigh. He was to my right which meant that I was using my hand to hold my champagne glass so instinctively he touched my leg instead of reaching for my hand. “Nah. It was a big night for us too. We got to travel together for the first time. It was the first time I saw Paris.” “It was the moment I knew you were it,” Harry said. He moved his hand to grab mine as I put the champagne down, kissing my knuckles. “I knew on this trip that I wanted to spend forever with you. That you were the missing part of my life.” “And you were mine.” “And you are nauseating tonight, as always,” Kim said. “We are the ones that are supposed to be reliving our engagement night, not you. You two got engaged in Lake Como. Not Paris.” Kim was laughing. “Hilarious that you got engaged that summer after you started dating and you still aren’t married. Slow pokes.” “Eh,” I said laughing. “What was the hurry? It’s not like either of us was going anywhere. Plus we’ve been busy. Everyone else has been having babies and he was busy with work.” We had gotten engaged in Lake Como. He’d been in Italy for tour and had a few days off. I wanted to be a tourist and go everywhere. I wanted to see the small town my great-grandparents left when they moved to America and started their new lives. I wanted to spend every second I could eating and sight seeing and enjoying Italy. He wanted downtime so he convinced me that we’d come back after tour, and off to Lake Como we went. We arrived to Lizzy, Frankie, Kim, Nate, Niall and Niki waiting for us. That first night, with our friends all around us, under the stars he proposed to me. It was the perfect night and the perfect setting. And just as he promised when he had time off we went back to Italy and saw everything I’d put on my list and then some. “You haven’t toured with One Direction in almost five years. You’ve spent that time acting and singing but not doing a lot of touring. And you,” she said pointing at me, “You’ve mainly just been traveling around, taking pictures, writing your blog and texting me about how hot he looks in nearly every country of the world. I’m pretty sure you could’ve found time to get married at some point in the last six and a half years.” “Probably,” I said laughing at her description of my life. I did text her often with descriptions of how hot Harry was in whatever city we were in. My favorite Harry, outside of ‘Anywhere in England Harry’ or ‘Los Angeles Harry’ was always either a city in Italy or France. Our best memories that weren’t normal every day life were somewhere in either of those countries. Whether it was travel or work, we’d spent quite a bit of time in both places. “It has just never seemed important…before.” “Before?” I watched Kim perk up in her chair. “Before,” Harry repeated. “What’s happening?” Nate asked. Kim smacked him. “They are finally gonna get married. When did you guys decide it was time?” “When we were in Fiji. I was laying there reading a book on our deck and enjoying the gorgeous weather and view. And he came out of the water after swimming, dripped water all over me and my book, then looked at me and said he was done waiting and it was time to get married. He wants my first book to be published with Styles as my name.” “So that’s part of this trip,” Harry said smiling at me before looking across the table. Kim and Nate were both sitting there with their jaws practically resting on the table in front of them. “We are here to get married. We had originally thought about it just being us and then realized that you two were the only people we wanted to have with us.” “WHAT?!” Kim and Nate both practically yelled. “Yeah, after all these years together we decided that it wasn’t necessary to have a large wedding. We just want to be married and we pretty much are already. This isn’t changing what our relationship is, just what my name is. So we are eloping.” “In Paris?” Kim asked. “In Paris,” Harry replied. “With just us?” Nate asked. “You’re our best friends, we couldn’t think of two better people to be our witnesses. We have a photographer in Paris that we know that is going to take pictures, her husband is normally her second shooter, but he also happens to be able to legally marry us. So we are getting married,” I replied. “When?” Kim asked. “Day after tomorrow,” Harry answered. “I figured that we should have a day in Paris to get you something to wear,” I said laughing. “So tomorrow we are shopping and then Saturday we are getting married.” “Holy shit. Congratulations,” Nate said leaning back in his chair. “That was not what I expected to do on this trip.” “We thought we should surprise you,” I said smiling. “So surprise!” “I’m so excited about this. Are you really going to publish your book as Styles?” Kim asked. I’d always been sort of adamant about keeping Catalano if I ever did actually get married. My family name meant the world to me. I had always thought that no matter where I was in the world if I was Annie Catalano it meant that I had my family with me. In the seven years that Harry and I had been together we had been through a lot and had changed my opinion about a lot of things, my name being one of them. “I am. I mean they don’t know that yet, but as soon as we are back in London I’m calling my publisher to let them know that they can publish this as Annie Styles. I know that the Catalano name has always been a huge part of my identity, but it’s time for Styles to be part of my identity too.” “It’s a big deal to give up a name. Leaving Scott behind was tricky, but at least I didn’t have to change any monograms,” she said jokingly. Nate just shook his head at his wife. They were still perfect for each other and always managed to even the other out. Whether Kim was in a weird mood or Nate was being too serious the other one always managed to center their relationship. “You’re still weird,” he said. “That’s clearly not going to change with age, unless I just get weirder.” “You do, Petal, you do.” Nate leaned over and kissed her cheek. “So no one at home knows about this?” “Nope,” we replied together. “Our parents do know,” Harry said. “They were supportive of this. They knew that a gathering of the Styles and Catalano families is always difficult to arrange so we are going to plan something at each home later.” “They knew as well as we did that we wouldn’t be able to get both of our families together in the next few months, especially based on our schedule.” “Your schedule?” “Well, Niall and I have been talking about it for at least a year. Louis and Liam are finally ready too. Life is settling. It’s time to go back in to the studio.” “You’re just trying to give me a heart attack aren’t you,” Kim said. “Pretty much,” I replied laughing. “The talk is that they go back in to the studio so that Niall is at home with Lyla for the birth and then the album comes out shortly after that. I also think it’s a trial run of having Freddie in school in London.” “And then we take the whole circus on the road. At least we are thinking of doing that,” Harry said. “Annie and Lyla are ready to live in buses again.” “I’m jealous,” Kim said. “I want to take the circus on the road, but members of our circus is likely not allowed in several countries.” “Yes, they are. Your circus is cute. You’ll have to bring them on the road or Aunt Annie will go through withdrawal symptoms.” “Deal! I could tour manage,” Kim said. It had been years since she worked at The Roundhouse. She and Lyla had opened their own business. They worked to curate an online store filled with the most desired items for people to give as gifts or buy for themselves. I’d gone on buying trips with those two and it was crazy the things that they got for free just so they would put a companies items in their store. They had just hit five years and thrown a huge party to celebrate. It all started in the kitchen of Kim and Nate’s first house as she was pregnant with the twins. She knew that she wouldn’t be able to return to the world she’d been working in once the boys were here. Lyla and Niall were planning their wedding and as we all shopped for the things Lyla needed the idea came to Kim. Why should people have to order these pieces from different places when they could put them all in one place? They were able to pick and choose what would be the next great housewarming gift or the go to new stuffed animal for a brand new baby. When you needed the perfect piece of art for your new office or the personalized gift to make your bridal party feel appreciated, theirs was the website you went to first. It was high quality goods shipped right to your door. They had even developed their own subscription service similar to Amazon Prime that offered expedited shipping to anywhere in England after the first year. At three years they had expanded to cover all of Europe. Last fall they opened their first few warehouses in the US so that the shipping option was now available to the US and Canada. It had been fun to watch them start this together. See them create this dream and build it in to the massive company it had become. Harry had tried to convince me to take their offer to be a partner with them when they first launched. He’d even offered to lend me the money to do it. When they became a million dollar company at two years I had slightly regretted my decision, but instead they allowed me to have my own curated section of their store and became the primary sponsor of my blog. The items I found when Harry and I traveled often ended up in my section of their store. I’d even done a few limited edition photographs that I’d taken and they had sold online. I was able to join them on their trips to meet with companies and take advantage of some of their freebies without feeling like I was in business with two of my best friends. They were in a position now where Kim had been able to take time off since Oliver was born, after this trip she was headed back full time so that by the time Lyla welcomed their first child she could the time she needed at home. “You haven’t dealt with musicians in a long time babe,” Nate said. “I don’t know that you have the patience for them. I sure as hell wouldn’t and I was in a band.” “I’m raising four kids under the age of five. I could handle the four children that make up One Direction.” I almost spit my champagne. “It would be a cake walk by comparison.” “You are probably right. Though we’ve all aged a bit since our last tour. I would think that Louis and Liam’s kids would cause a bigger stir than any of us would. We had dinner with Louis and El when we were in Los Angeles. It’s terrifying how much Freddie is like his Dad, he’s already a total smartass.” “How are Lou and El?” Kim asked. “Good. They are still enjoying LA, though you can tell they are both itching to get back home. I know it’s tough for them being away from their family as much as they are, but neither of them want to be away from Freddie just so they can live in England. I just wish Briana understood that without Johannah here that they try to have a much larger role with Louis’s brother and sisters and that by them being in Los Angeles the majority of the year they aren’t there for his family. But after several years she still doesn’t get it, so I’m not holding my breath.” “It’s hard,” Harry said squeezing my hand. “Louis will never feel like he’s doing enough for Dan and the kids. But Dan gets it, Freddie is who Lou needs to watch out for the most.” “Dan will always have support here and he is glad Louis is with Freddie. Lottie and Louise were in the office last week for meetings with Lyla and I. Their new line of lipstick and eyeshadow is getting ready to launch on the site. We will be the exclusive retailer for it. I’m excited. It’s geared towards brides and will launch in time for the spring and summer wedding season.” “That’s amazing.” “Yeah, so Lottie was telling me that she is finally settled in to a house. She’s literally across the street from Dan. She helps get the kids to school every day unless she’s on the road, but Fizzy is living with her now that she has a house. So Fizz is still helping out too. We should all go up and visit, we haven’t been up since last fall when Louis brought Freddie home to visit.” “We should. When we get home let’s look at the calendar and all go. Louis said they were going to be in England for a few weeks. I think they actually land tomorrow.” “That’s awesome,” Nate said. “Maybe Louis will be interested in helping us at tryouts for the footie team next week. I have been trying to get it arranged that the league the kids are in will let Freddie play when they are in the city and I think I finally get them on board.” “Oh dear god. Dimples, you are not allowed to start coaching with them. The four of you together is the worst nightmare of the women in your lives. And remember, we don’t have a child that is on that team.” “Kim told me I could pretend that Max was mine since he refuses to let her cut his hair.” “I tried to tell him that he didn’t have a choice and has to cut his hair. He keeps telling me that he wants to look like Uncle Harry. So, I’m going to start to petition you to cut your hair if he won’t budge. Everyone in my family is coming over Easter. If my oldest looks like he needs a man bun I might have a problem.” “I mean, I’d like to think that the kid doesn’t wear his hair a certain way just because I do. But if necessary I can have a talk with him about cutting his hair. Though he’s got some awesome hair.” The twins were the spitting image of Nate. Dark brown eyes, dark brown hair and curls for days. They were five going on 20. When they started school in fall they came home the first day to inform their mother and father that they each had three girlfriends and had already figured out that their teachers could barely tell the difference between them. Some couldn’t remember if Max or Jack had the long hair. They were already wise beyond their years and would be terrifying as teenagers. Evelyn was three and her mother’s mini-me. So much so that when she started talking Harry and I were positive she’d have a southern accent. There were times where her little posh London accent mixed with a y’all and I nearly cried laughing every time. I’m pretty sure her Uncle Harry tried to teach her these things when he babysat. Evie was just the perfect mixture of tomboy and ballerina. She chased after the football in the backyard in tutus and loved to be the center of attention at every gathering. She was her Daddy’s universe. Nate loved that right out the gate they had twin boys. Every man wants to see his family lineage carry on. But when they found out they were having a girl it was like his world changed. He drug me around home improvement stores until we found the perfect shades of blush pink and lavender to paint her nursery as a surprise for Kim when she was on a trip for work. Everything was pink or purple, despite this little girl’s mama’s favorite color being blue. And when that little girl came with her blonde hair and blue eyes, in true mini-Kim style, she came home from the hospital in a Kentucky onesie. It was pink at her Daddy’s request. We were all pretty sure that Kim and Nate were happy with their three kids. For the first year it was a struggle with three kids under three and the boys still being in diapers for the first part. Then one day she told me she was pregnant again and surprisingly didn’t look terrified at the idea of having another one in diapers again. And when little Ollie was born we all melted. This kid was beautiful, he looked like he should be on every diaper box or baby food jar. He was the child who was the perfect blend of Mom and Dad. Blue eyes and fair skin with Daddy’s dark curls. Kim was a rockstar with these kids, especially during the times where Nate had a case that took over his life, which had basically been the situation since Ollie was born. The times where we were home we always had a night with the kids. I jokingly called it birth control, but Harry just loved being with the babies. We’d discovered early on in our relationship that kids weren’t in the cards for us, so we decided to be the best Aunt and Uncle the world had ever seen. We perhaps spoiled our nieces and nephews, as well as our friends’ kids, more than we should. But almost everyone let us get away with it. It was hard for us to realize that we may never get to be a Mum or Dad to anyone other than the cat. But as with anything we’d faced in our relationship, we did it together and are stronger because of it. So we did what we could to spend time with the kids who were in our life. Our desire to be the World’s Greatest Aunt and Uncle meant on top of having a home in London and Los Angeles we also had a townhouse down the road from my brother and his family so that we could make trips to see the kids and not be stuck in hotels or my family’s houses for the usually extended trips. We tried to go home four or five times a year if we could. We were currently at the point where we had the longest stretch of the year, we went from Thanksgiving to my Dad’s birthday in March without going home. We would be home again in May for Mother’s Day and my Mom’s birthday, then in July for my niece’s birthday, then October for my nephew’s birthday and always back for Christmas and usually stayed until after my step-mom’s birthday at the beginning of December. It was always Christmas in England, which had been hard for my family to come to terms with at the beginning. But given that no one in Harry’s family celebrated Thanksgiving we were always in Iowa. It was perfect, we got to spend my favorite holiday with my family and Harry got to argue about American football with my brother. “Can we not let Max’s hair thing escalate to the point where Uncle Harry actually has to cut his hair? You know I get sad when it gets short.” “You loved it short the last time.” Harry winked at me. “Ugh, stop it. You could shave your head and still look hot. I just PREFER this length.” His hair was full of curls today, he’d actually refrained from putting it in a ponytail or bun before we left the house this morning for the train station. The first time he’d cut his hair while we were together was for his first movie role and since then it was the only reason he would cut his hair. Every time a role would require it I’d cry as I watched Louise cut off his hair and then spend the first month thinking I had this sexy new fiancé and then I’d start to miss the ponytail and the long curls. Luckily, his hair grew insanely fast. Our dinner tonight was magnificent. This had been a restaurant we visited over the years on our trips because of the sentimental nature for Nate and Kim. This was where he proposed to her. They’d been back together for a short time on that first trip but he wasn’t going to wait for her to realize that he wanted to spend forever with her. Harry had known that he was intending on proposing at dinner, which was why Harry arranged for our dinner to be in a private dining room. As we sat here tonight in between courses sipping on our champagne I couldn’t help but remember that night. We’d come for a late dinner after doing some exploring through Paris. Nate had been a little bit off but we usually took that as Nate being Nate. He had been distracted recently because of work and the new house. He had been putting together a proposal for his Dad to convince him that he should be able to work remotely while looking for a location to open a London branch of their firm so he didn’t have to live in a different city during the week. And then at dinner he opened the bottle of champagne and as he filled a glass for Kim dropped her engagement ring in it. He told us later that he’d hoped for some elaborate proposal but his nerves had gotten the best of him. So he put the ring in her glass. As she picked it up and Harry said his toast she managed to not see the large diamond staring at her. It wasn’t until she took her first drink and it hit her lips that she realized there was a ring in her glass. She pulled the ring out of the glass in her lips with the diamond facing out. Nate proceeded to get on one knee and stumble through asking her to marry him. He was so nervous and so completely in love. I cried, Kim cried, Nate cried, even Harry cried. That dinner was officially the shortest meal the four of us had ever shared. Nate and Kim returned to their hotel room to call families and celebrate in ways that normal people celebrate an engagement. Harry and I proceeded to have a night that felt like it was right out of a Richard Linklater film. We spent the night walking around and talking. I got to be amazed by the way Harry could fluently speak in French with any person who approached us. It was that night that we both realized that we were each other’s forever. I had known I loved him before we boarded that train at St. Pancras Station that morning but by the time we were welcoming in my 30th year on earth with a light dusting of snow and the sunrise I knew that he was it. We had continued this tradition often when we traveled. It was easier for Harry and I to walk around uninterrupted in the middle of the night and the things we were able to see and the conversations we were able to have remain some of my favorite memories.

Oh. My. God.

I can't believe I actually sat down and cranked that out this weekend.

I've always felt like there was an empty part of my heart because I'd abandoned this story. My life got complicated and I got lost from this world. But I knew I needed to come back at some point. And this weekend was some point.

I felt that it didn't fit to just pick up where I left off. Harry is 23 now and Annie would be 33. Advancing several years gives a chance for our characters to have grown as people. So we pick up seven years later partially reliving that first night in Paris for Annie's 30th birthday. We find out that Kim and Nate are happy. That Niall is married to Lyla! That Annie and Harry are as happy as ever and finally ready to get married, just not have a wedding. But what about Lizzy, Frankie, Patty, Niki and our other gang of misfits? Well they are going to get their deserved end as well.

My goal is to have this piece finished over the next few days or weeks. I have everything planned in my head and have already started the next chapter. And then pieces like Harry proposing to Annie, Nate and Kim's marriage, and how the hell Niall and Lyla ended up together may get told through Always In My Head if there is interest. So if there is please comment of message me to let me know. I love writing these characters but lost my drive for a very long time. Life got crazy. I fell in love and then unceremoniously fell out of love as so often happens in life. I landed my dream job and then was laid off from my dream job only to decide to just create my dream job. And in the midst of that I would occasionally pick up London Calling and hope that some day I'd be able to come back to this. And I finally have been able to.

So please. Comment. Message. Kik (raybandandcoffee). Twitter (@raybandsandcoffee). I want to know if people love where these characters are.

#London Calling #londoncalling #london calling fanfic #london calling fan fiction #Harry Styles #Harry Styles Fan Fiction #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fan fic #one direction #one direction fan fiction #one direction fanfic #one direction fan fic #one direction fanfiction

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theliterateape · 7 years

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American Shithole #10 — Sports and Politics

By Eric Wilson

I don’t know how I am supposed to treat Trump supporters anymore.

I can’t even bring myself to talk about hoops with an old friend — because he supports this bucket of turds we have for a president —when all I really want to do is grind his shitty conservative ideas and dangerous religious beliefs into the fairy dust from whence they came.

Basketball and politics dominated this past strange weekend, beginning with more crazy in the already looniest NCAA Men's Division I tournament ever, and ending with the tropical Stormy Daniels deluge into an already filthy Washington D.C.

We witnessed Loyola’s improbable run to the Final Four, with their chaplain, the adorable 98-year-old Sister Jean leading the charge. Look at how adorable she is! It almost makes me forget how much I despise organized religion! Almost! Still love you, Jean!

Then America tuned in as an adult film actress told her horror story about the terrible sex she had with a soft, foppish, sexagenarian man-child that would somehow years later, fail upward to the presidency.

This is a horror story people, it was a dark and stormy Daniels telling her frightening tale, with America gathered around the campfire. Yet, it’s a horror story being told while the forest is burning down around us. Relevant only as it speaks to character, and the shitty way women are treated by men of power.

Even the venerable news program, Sixty Minutes, focused on both politics and basketball this past Sunday, offering up the much-anticipated aforementioned porn star confessional, followed by a feature on Giannis Antetokounmpo — the NBA player who is accomplishing things on the court that no one has ever seen before.

It is strange to me, but telling, that we value these two stories similarly enough that they would share equal time in an hour long news program. Presidential sex scandal, unparalleled in American history. New guy, that can possibly bounce a ball slightly better than anyone that has ever bounced a ball before him. 50/50.

I used to think that sports talk offered the best, safe haven for conversation in politically mixed company. It serves as an icebreaker, or an easy way to pass a short amount of time. Now I just think it’s where the largely silent, sane by comparison, wholly embarrassed, old school republicans have been hiding out in shame.

I was a casual sports fan in my younger days. I spent my teens in the Chicago suburbs in the early eighties, where kids didn’t have a lot to do or talk about — so we watched the Bears, and talked about them. My friend, Pete B., lived across the street, and his family really loved the Blackhawks, and we would talk about the team while we played schlock hockey in his family room on game nights.

I also played soccer in high school, as well as on various park district and traveling teams in junior high. I was forced into organized sports by my mother’s second husband — Wayne — and I’m grateful for it. I don’t know if I ever thanked Wayne personally, they divorced when I left for college, and I haven’t seen him since.

One of my favorite soccer memories is from an away game on the traveling team. The right-wing crossed the ball from the corner over the front of the goal, near the other side of the field. Hell of a kick for a 12-year-old. The goalie came out, but the ball was just out in front of me — too far for a header, and what should have been too high for a kick. I somehow managed a sideways, in air, lofted, arcing shot over the keeper.

As I ran back to my team, I had to run by the opposing fans, and they had this look of awe and respect. And they were quiet, it was kind of weird. Coach said in the huddle, “now that is how you score a goal.”

It was an amazing feeling — not just that moment, but many of the moments competing, and I cherish them, and I thank you Wayne, for making me play some sort of organized sport. You made an effort with an awkward boy you didn’t understand, and that should be commended.

Also, I once stole two of your three cases of shitty Olympia beer for a party sophomore year, and you never noticed — probably because you were an idiot.

In fairness to Wayne, he was not equipped to deal with the level of dork I was bringing to the table. If I could have avoided all lifeforms until college, and just hibernated in my own private nerdery with my Vonnegut books and my Dungeons and Dragons miniatures, I would have.

I left for Syracuse University after high school, and the Carrier Dome was my first experience with Division I NCAA men’s basketball. Going to your first college basketball game at the Carrier Dome is a bit like going to your first bonfire at Burning Man. 35.000 fans at a basketball game is unheard of outside a precious few programs. I loved it so much I got a brother from the engineering fraternity to get me a job in the hot dog room, just so I could watch games for free.

To this day, I get angry watching Syracuse players miss free-throws. I get it, sports can be awesome. I understand that organized sports can be a character building experience that instills the importance of teamwork. Sports require discipline, and competition teaches some truths.

But do we really need to value professional sports to the degree in which we do? I know it’s a tired gripe from the left, but it feels a bit barbaric to me that we still worship sports like football and boxing in the 21st century. Post-Trump republicans do not deserve a safe place to hide. Besides, I want to be a member of a society that overvalues benevolent scientists and misunderstood bloggers that need more hugs.

I used to spend a great deal of time back in Chicago in the 90's with my friend Scott E., a huge sports fan, whom I had met as a player on an opposing team in the APA — a national pool league a bunch of friends and I played in once a week. We stole him for our team that season.

I haven’t seen him much in the last twenty years, but Scott is one of my few friends I still have contact with that voted for Trump. He is also the one I am angriest with, and the one I feel most betrayed by, for his continued support of a lying, stupid, sack of filthy shit.

I had written a scathing rebuke a day after the election back in 2016 focusing on my friend Scott, which I shared in a private group for feedback purposes. Literate Ape editor, Don Hall, had recently been invited to this group, and he might even remember this particular screed of mine, as it was dripping with vitriol. He was also a minority voice supporting the posting of that piece. Those who also knew Scott advised restraint.

My attitude has changed a lot over the past year, so in retrospect, perhaps my decision was for the best.

In the end, I never made that particular piece public, and with the exception of my near daily frustrated statements about this administration, my friend never received a message from me expressing my anger with him personally.

I hadn’t heard from Scott in a while, but he responded a few days ago to a rare sports related post of mine on social media, which prompted me to write this week’s column.

Again, I am faced with a situation where I am not really sure where I stand. I have been back and forth over the last year and some months, on how I should treat people that still support Trump, friend or not. I was so angry — I still am — but my anger is different now; more focused on efforts for change, less on retribution.

I don’t know how to talk to Trump supporters any more, even an old friend responding to my innocuous post about the craziness of this year’s NCAA tournament. I do know this though; I’m done with this lodestone of rage consuming me. I must remember to begin from a place of empathy. If I cannot, how can I expect others to do so?

So I find myself ruminating lately on how best to navigate our friendships, relationships, and online contacts in a post-Trump world. What framework do we have, what precedent is there to guide us? I want to affect positive change, so I want to stay engaged, but I have no idea how to connect with these people — via sports or otherwise — that appear to me, to be completely cut off from reality.

Shared interest in a sports team is a great way for two disparate people to find common ground. In America, many fathers and sons have relied on this fact for more than a century. At the end of the day though, it’s still a bunch of folks playing bouncy ball, or batty ball, or kicky ball, or throw that ball, and I’m not going to make small talk about sports with you, just to save you the embarrassment of defending your shitty ideas about the current state of American politics.

Which sort of leaves me back where I started.

How have you been dealing with the Trump supporters in your lives?

B.S. Report

I think we all knew the March for Our Lives demonstrations across this country this past Saturday were going to be massive, but the turnout exceeded expectations. Those attending in Washington D.C. staged the largest protest gathering since the Vietnam War. I think the past month has shown us things are different. This is something new. This is not going away.

#Trump #sports #soccer #dealing with the enemy

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junker-town · 7 years

Text

NFL Dad, Week 17: Good riddance to the Ravens, Seahawks, and 2017

On the final day of the year, one NFL fan tried to watch all of the RedZone action while parenting two toddlers.

It’s fitting that the NFL season came to a close on New Year’s Eve. After the Week 17 games, every team will start with a clean slate — either vying for the Lombardi Trophy in the playoffs, or taking stock of what went wrong and planning for 2018. Coaches will be fired, management restructured, free agents signed, hopes laid upon draftees. Injured players will return stronger than ever, and you’ll take this opportunity to improve yourself, too. Exercise more. Eat better. Work harder. A fresh start for all!

It’s a lie, of course. Unless a franchise has recently fired Jeff Fisher, a team will only take incremental steps forward or backward. Sure, there are exceptions: One or two teams will experience huge leaps in the win column thanks to turnover luck and positive results in close games, and those teams’ fans will be CERTAIN that it was the result of effort and superior coaching, and not the random providence of luck, destined to regress to the mean.

The truth is, the calendar is the only thing that’s changed. We can experience temporary improvements, but most of us are destined to regress to our personal means. And NFL teams are the same: Your team is unlikely to improve dramatically.

But the NFL monolith will scrape forward nonetheless. Your favorite players will get injured. People will complain about the refs. The Patriots will go 12-4. 2018 is the same hell as 2017, just fresher.

EARLY GAMES, FIRST HALF

— It’s a tame early slate. Bears-Vikings, Jets-Pats, and Browns-Steelers are the only games with playoff implications, and that’s being generous. The (heavy) favorites in those games only have minor jockeying for bye weeks and top-2 conference seeding. I’m saving most of my attention span for the late games.

— A common theme for many of the early games is the extreme cold hitting much of the country. Players wear extra layers, helmets shrink, and Jets quarterbacks live out the metaphors of their station in life.

Inspiring start for Bryce Petty and the Jets http://pic.twitter.com/3t9LvfGCxb

— Pete Blackburn (@PeteBlackburn) December 31, 2017

— My wife and I rented a car to take our kids to my sister’s place for a couple days after Christmas, with a stop along the way to see old friends. And I’m not going to relive the entire journey, but I will offer one unpleasant travel snapshot: Experiencing carsickness from constantly torquing my neck and back around to fruitlessly attempt to soothe two toddlers completely unaccustomed to car travel as snarled traffic turned a 3.5-hour car trip into a 6.5-hour cry-a-thon.

The lesson I refuse to learn: NEVER. GO. ANYWHERE.

The lesson I refuse to learn as a parent of young children: NEVER. GO. ANYWHERE.

— James Harrison is making his debut for the Patriots, and some Steelers fans are aghast. I don’t quite get the surprise. When Harrison was cut by the Steelers in 2013, he signed with the division rival Bengals. He also had a stint with the Ravens after being on the Steelers’ practice squad early in his career. This is James Harrison we’re talking about. He’s not a paragon of virtue loyal to the black and yellow; he’s a vindictive maniac who has dedicated his entire life to hitting people. Of COURSE he went to the Steelers’ biggest rival this year.

— Juju Smith-Schuster’s touchdown celebration gets an A for joyous creativity, and a D for snowball packing.

— It’s 2:15 p.m. and my son is awake at least 45 minutes earlier than my wife and I would like. He only ever takes 90-minute naps now. My daughter at his age would regularly sleep for three hours in the afternoon. Hell, she still sleeps longer in the afternoon than he does, and she’s twice his age. Sleep longer, you adorable goblin! You’re tired!

— The Bears score a touchdown on the famous fake where the punt returner feigns tracking the ball on one side of the field while a second player catches it on the other side of the field. Long live this explainer on why the play is so unstoppable.

— Dallas and Philadelphia are tied 0-0 at the half. Someone named Jeff Sudfeld is playing quarterback for the Eagles. Nick Foles is too valuable for the Eagles’ playoff run!

Last reminder of the year: (extremely long sigh) Any team in the NFL could have signed Colin Kaepernick on the cheap.

EARLY GAMES, SECOND HALF

— The Colts attempt a surprise onside kick, and there appears to be an end-of-year fire sale on trick plays. If I were a coach about to get fired, you can bet your ass I would throw every unused page in the playbook at an opponent in Week 17: Fake punts, surprise onside kicks, hook-and-laterals, Fumblerooskis — the trick plays would get the defense so on edge for the trick plays that they would get knocked over by power runs.

And then I would be fired.

— Much of what I do on a week-to-week basis has already been collected, with much more brevity, in this piece of service journalism: Every dumb thing that happened in NFL Week 17. (No bits about parenting there, though.)

— Eight minutes into the third quarter, the Giants and Washington are a combined three-for-19 on third downs. It’s hard for me to express how much I’m enjoying not watching that game.

Instead, I’m watching these bad bartending videos:

youtube

There’s a whole series of those that are equally confounding, and they are either the stupidest videos on YouTube or the subtlest troll jobs I’ve ever seen.

As someone who’s been absorbing online culture as a job for more than a decade, it’s rare for me to find something like this inscrutable. Hundreds of dollars for a full bar, but no muddler? The totally incapable but somehow believable bartender? The pint glass of whiskey? This is a ruse, right? I refuse to be anyone’s mark.

— A fun new thing I have since the round-trip car voyage is a semi-permanent eye tic. Just a tiny little muscle spasm on my lower left eyelid that’s like, “Hey, remember that time you were trapped in a rolling box of stress for six hours? Twice?” Look for it on SB Nation’s YouTube channel in 2018.

Hey, remember that time you were trapped in a rolling box of stress for six hours?

— My wife leaves to walk the dog right as the early games wind down. Because we’re keeping our children out of the Arctic blast, I stay back with both kids. My son immediately grabs the iPad off the table and shoves his face into it.

“I want Elsa,” my daughter says, so I play “Let It Go” on Spotify and pull up an image of Elsa for her to look at while the song plays. Frozen is the next horizon for us after Moana. I’m fine with this eventuality, but Moana definitely has the superior story and soundtrack. The important thing is that they’re both better than the 50 years of Disney princess movies that came before. GAHHHH WHY DO I SPEND SO MUCH TIME THINKING ABOUT DISNEY CARTOONS?

— The Browns, despite their best effort against the Steelers’ B-team, finish their season 0-16. Congratulations?

— Because all nine (!!!) late games start at 4:25 p.m. Eastern, RedZone’s Scott Hanson must deal with an action-less lull that’s unusual for so early in the day. It’s 4:15 and RedZone is running highlights, snippets of press conferences, and fantasy updates. And come on: I know the segment is sponsored, no self-respecting fantasy league is active in Week 17. Much like Le’Veon Bell.

LATE GAMES, FIRST HALF

— GAME TIME. My focus today is Panthers-Falcons, Saints-Bucs, and Cardinals-Seahawks. I want the Seahawks to win to stay alive for a playoff spot, and I need the Panthers to be motivated to beat the Falcons, which means I need Tampa Bay to give the Saints a fight, which means the Seahawks are probably going to miss the playoffs. Which, frankly, is probably better than getting blown out by the Rams or Saints on Wild Card Weekend. Everything is meaningless, by the way.

— Ah crap, Arizona opens the game with a touchdown. Drew Stanton escapes Michael Bennett on what could have been a 15-yard sack, buying enough time to throw a TD pass instead. I am going to hate today.

Tyler Lockett returns the ensuing kickoff for a touchdown to tie the game. I am already closing off all emotion to deal with whatever happens for the next three hours.

— In Tampa, the Bucs score game-opening TD. Yay! But then Alvin Kamara returns the ensuing kickoff for a TD. I NEED EVERYONE TO SETTLE DOWN, PLEASE.

— The kids are at the dinner table, alternately painting with watercolors and screaming. My son, whose relentless teething continues, takes a sip of water from the cup he’d been dipping his paintbrush in. My daughter, who has recovered from a double ear infection over Christmas only to get ANOTHER ear infection, has a Moana-themed coloring book. I read her the plot point that goes with each picture as another Panthers drive stalls. COME ON, CAM.

— The Niners are dominating early and up 10-0, but a Jimmy Garoppolo INT sets the Rams up in the red zone. However, the Niners D holds firm, and the Rams are forced to kick a field goal.

— Oh, hello there, AFC. I understand there are some stakes in your conference today, too, hmmm? In Los Angeles, where the Chargers need a win and some help to secure a playoff spot, Melvin Gordon fumbles, but Keenan Allen scoops up the fumble for an awesome TD.

Wait. WHAT?! Gordon loses it. Allen recovers. And SCORES. #Chargers http://pic.twitter.com/PQ59L012NB

— NFL (@NFL) December 31, 2017

My feelings on the four AFC teams vying for two Wild Card spots, ranked by preference:

Chargers. I know they deserve nothing but misery for leaving San Diego, but this team is genuinely fun to watch. Philip Rivers has been incredible this year, and Keenan Allen has stayed healthy! Melvin Gordon is great and likable! The defense has the kind of scary pass rush that can enable a deep playoff run (read: can knock Tom Brady and Ben Roethlisberger on their asses).

Bills. I hate tables.

Titans. This is one of the least inspiring winning teams I’ve seen in a long time, which is what it’s been since RedZone last clicked over to the Seattle game. Who has ever looked at the AFC South and said, “Yes, this division needs TWO playoff teams.”

Ravens. I strenuously object to Joe Flacco’s existence. If the Ravens offense touches your field, the earth there will be fallow for seven years.

— My kids, still sitting at the table, dance to “Twist and Shout” like two little Elaine Beneses, a brief moment of cheer before the Cardinals punch in another touchdown to take a 17-7 lead over the Seahawks. But the dancing! It’s so herky-jerky and devoid of coordination — like Seattle’s offensive line, but happy.

— What was I saying about the Chargers’ fearsome defense? On third and 22, Derek Carr unloads a bomb to Amari Cooper for an 87-yard touchdown.

EIGHTY-SEVEN YARDS!@DerekCarrQB to @AmariCooper9 for SIX! #RaiderNation http://pic.twitter.com/GLf0Q7bAva

— NFL (@NFL) December 31, 2017

My wife tells my daughter that the Raiders are Uncle Sean’s favorite team. “Can you say the Raiders?” she asks.

Daughter: “The Raid-ahhhhhs.” Chris Berman’s tics are much better when they’re done by toddlers.

— I get a text from Steven Godfrey, SB Nation’s excellent college football reporter who is also doomed to an existence of Falcons fandom. It is to me and Brian Floyd, our managing editor who is also a Seahawks fan: “Please God take this wildcard spot.”

Floyd and I both reject any desire to see these Seahawks in the playoffs. It feels good to own the feeling, to want a different team in a new season instead of watching this one for another week.

— Here is the first RedZone play featuring the Ravens offense that I see: Joe Flacco throws a one-yard crossing route to a running back, who drops the ball. A graphic pops up that says it is the Ravens’ fifth dropped pass of the day. Put this offense in a rocket and fire it into the deepest reaches of space.

— Philip Rivers throws another deep bomb for a touchdown. God, this team belongs in the playoffs, and they’re not going to make it because the first quarter of their season was a grotesque monkey’s paw retribution inflicted by the San Diego city council.

— The Saints attempt a fake field goal, the Bucs don’t fall for it, and Wil Lutz gets CRUSHED. If you ask me, there are simply not enough punters getting blown up by defenders in today’s NFL. (Miss you, Sean Taylor.)

Not enough punters are getting blown up in today’s NFL.

— A big hit in the Ufford household these days is the Daddy Monster. I become my alter ego, roar, and chase my son into the corner where I tickle him and pretend to eat him. “OM NOM NOM!” I say.

He stands up and says, “Naan naan naan!” in his little voice. I feign terror and let him chase me. I hope you didn’t take what I said about the car ride and the eye tic too seriously, because parenting is great.

— Breaking news: The Colts have fired Chuck Pagano. So we’re doing away with Black Monday now? Just getting it out of the way on Sunday?

— I change my son’s poopy diaper. But don’t think of it as poop! It’s more like his butt threw up.

— Flacco watch:

Flacco 3/16 says "Hey remember that time I won a Super Bowl?" http://pic.twitter.com/pvaQG3RKhs

— James Dator [waiting for recognition] (@James_Dator) December 31, 2017

— HALFTIME SCORES:

The Seahawks trail at home 20-7, their only score a kickoff return TD. Burn this season to the ground.

Chargers lead the Raiders 20-10 despite having a FG and PAT blocked. Very on-brand.

Carolina and Atlanta are tied 7-7.

Buffalo leads Miami 10-0. David Fales has replaced Jay Cutler, who is riding a jet ski pantsless to the nearest bank with a boat-thru teller to cash his game check. I am gonna miss that guy so much.

Only a missed extra point is keeping the Bucs from being even with the Saints. New Orleans leads 14-13. Get inspired, Carolina!

Titans 12, Jags 3. Jacksonville trails because its defensive and special teams units have struggled to score touchdowns.

49ers 20, Rams 6. If anything, this score is flattering for the Rams. San Fran-Clara will be a chic pick to win the NFC West next year.

An 85(ish)-yard kickoff return with seconds left in the half gifts Baltimore with a touchdown that cuts the Cincinnati lead to 17-10. C’mon Bengals, don’t Bengal this one.

LATE GAMES, SECOND HALF

— I make a vow to myself: The Seahawks have one possession, the first of the half, to keep me interested in the result of their game, and even then … BARELY. Naturally, the run game comes to life, Russell Wilson connects on a pass, and this appears to be a crude approximation of a drive.

— Shady McCoy is carted off. Screw this season.

— I help with the end of the kids’ bath time. My son, who hates getting out of the bath, sits in tub as the water empties. “Fee-oh,” he says, for frio, because my children are dual-language geniuses. I let him chill there while I peek at the TV; I’m just in time to see Doug Baldwin score a touchdown that narrows the score to 20-14.

The next drive — at least, the next drive I catch a glimpse of — Shaquill Griffin intercepts a Drew Stanton overthrow, and I now feel confident that the Seahawks can get a comeback victory, only for the Falcons to lock down the last playoff spot with a win. (With the Panthers trailing 10-7, Cam Newton promptly throws a terrible interception.)

— The Saints have been a little shaky for the last month of the season, but I could definitely endorse Alvin Kamara destroying the entire playoff field. Look at him make a contested catch downfield:

Oh my goodness, @A_kamara6. #GoSaints http://pic.twitter.com/4bLIJaPrzI

— NFL (@NFL) December 31, 2017

That drive ends in a field goal, and the Saints lead 17-13.

— Ravens WR Chris Moore bobbles a red zone pass, which is intercepted and returned for a touchdown. The Bengals lead 24-10, and I am HERE for the season implosion.

Yes, that is Joe Flacco's pick-six. http://pic.twitter.com/Utx1SfhBP3

— Seth Walder (@SethWalder) December 31, 2017

— The Bucs force a fumble on a punt return and return it for a touchdown! The used coffee grounds of the NFC South are ahead of the division leaders, 20-14.

— With the Seahawks trailing 23-14, they definitely could use a field goal to make it a one-score game. Instead:

Thomas Rawls' taunting penalty cost the Seahawks 15 yards and likely cost them three points as well.

— Brady Henderson (@BradyHenderson) December 31, 2017

— With the Tennessee leading 15-3 in the fourth quarter, all the Titans have to do is bleed clock and let Blake Bortles throw it to their defense. Instead, Marcus Mariota and Derrick Henry collide on a handoff, and the Jaguars return the fumble for a touchdown.

I just checked, and the Jaguars have seven defensive touchdowns this year. That’s a lot, but I could have sworn it was more. Like, if you told me that Bortles had thrown as many touchdowns as the defense scored, I would have believed you. But Bortles had 21 passing TDs (to 13 picks); the NFL works in mysterious ways.

— I pause RedZone to put the kids to bed. I read my son Good Night Moon because he freaking LOVES seeing the moon. “MOON! MOON! MOON!” every time there’s a moon on the page of a book. As I read the last page — “Good night noises everywhere” — he puts his finger to his lips and says, “Shhhh.”

I offer him a choice of second books but he olds up Good Night Moon again. So I read it a second time, but with four pages to go, he shuts the book and says, “All done!” Oh, I’m sorry. Did you perhaps already know how it ends?

— Twenty minutes later, the kids are in bed and I’m back in front of the TV, but I don’t have the energy or desire to watch everything I missed, so I just skip to live TV. The biggest news is that the Panthers have farted their way around the second half to lose to the Falcons by two scores, rendering the Seahawks game pointless. Or more pointless than usual, at least.

And the Panthers should be kicking themselves over that performance: With nine seconds remaining in Tampa, the Bucs score a go-ahead touchdown that gives them a meaningless win and leads to a super-awkward unfriendly never-ending handshake between Sean Payton and Dirk Koetter. The Panthers will go on the road to face the Saints instead of hosting them next weekend.

— The Titans lock up a playoff spot with their win over the Jaguars. When it comes to the other Wild Card spot, the Bills win, but they need help from the Bengals, who have lost their lead in Baltimore. Ravens ahead 27-24.

— Oh, the Seahawks lost, too. Blair Walsh missing a 48-yarder to lose a game that couldn’t save their season is the perfect ending to this campaign. (I may have been miserable watching the Seahawks this season, but they were also an effective kicker away from being 12-4.)

— The last game of the RedZone season is Bengals-Ravens, and my remaining hopes and dreams rest on ... an Andy Dalton drive? Oh Jesus, where’s the liquor?

— On 4th and 12 near midfield, the Bengals season is about to sputter and die, and I’m beginning to accept the Ravens beating Kansas City when DALTON COMPLETES THE PASS! TYLER BOYD SLIPS A TACKLE AND GETS TO THE END ZONE!!!

THE @BENGALS! TOUCHDOWNNNN! WOW. #Bengals50 http://pic.twitter.com/NB78jk9U2a

— NFL (@NFL) January 1, 2018

YEAAAAAGGGHHHHH I COULD LIFT A VOLKSWAGEN OVER MY HEAD RIGHT NOW

— With a chance to respond, Joe Flacco quickly leads the Ravens to zero first downs and 4th and 14, at which point he completes a pass eight yards short of the first-down marker. GOOD RIDDANCE, GARBAGE BIRDS.*

And good riddance, 2017. Here’s to marginal improvements in 2018.

*insult also applicable to the author’s team of choice

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splight333 · 7 years

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This single life of mine

After two weeks of handover, my zeal to go and change the world is on high alert, I feel on top of the world. I am going to work in an area where it will be a dream for any girl let alone a village girl from a family where I am the first to complete secondary education.

I have bagged my second degree and have the most privileged opportunity to serve as a VP Education for London South Bank University. At the back of my mind I know that I will be traveling to Birmingham to meet all these other chosen men and women and I yes I am going to be one of them and to top it all I have never been to Birmingham so you can see why my joy is through the roof.

I spent the whole weekend contemplating my good fortune and parking my bag, do you know I spent £287 on a new wardrobe for this job yes I said £287, that is not a small amount by any means. That is how excited I am about this job.

I can’t have slept through the because unconsciously, analyzing the future in my sleep, suddenly it was morning; I jumped out of bed as I do always, yes I know it is not good practice to jump out of bed taking my age into account but you I don’t suffer from HBP. I was my school sports captain and a frequent gym and spa customer until recently. What was I saying? Where was I? Ah yes; so I jumped out of bed and stepped into my shower, my entire body larded with doves silk creamy wash. I must tell you about my wash because I am sure that I washed my body ritualistically because I was heading to an unknown domain, I did not have an inkling if there was a clean bath room for a proper wash while I will be there.

It was time to live for university I kissed my Angel, Holy, Tony Gins and my mother bye and went to the car, yes the car. I forgot to tell you about my car. Actually, it is not my car, it is GSP Phusia Limited car, blue in colour and runs like clockwork orange. My daughter drops me every day I am at work by the roundabout; I have been lucky so far because I get off when the light is red and that means she doesn't have to come into congestion charge, now that is another story.

Back to the car, so Tony dropped my red suit case into the car and I carry my backpack. OMG you must hear about my mid-sized red suit case; the case has seen many country, train station, and airplane. Did I mention that red is my favorite colour? If my suitcase could talk it would have started its own blog or even written a book by now. Just to familiarize you with my suitcase, I will post a picture with my next story

So now am at the office, all eye fixated to the time, time to live for the train; we will be catching our train at Euston at 16.03 into Birmingham New City. we left South Bank at 2pm and arrived just after 3pm; there was time to buy snacks to eat in the train, I went to Sainsbury, on coming back to the waiting area I could not find any of the Sabs or Officers I was traveling with, after many attempts to call and no one answered I went down to the platform as it was time to board. Will I be riding in 1st class? I asked myself, no luck, I checked my ticket and approached the train, it was economy coach cabin C sit 32, and the sit was empty. I sat in a different seat because my allocated sit had no leg room and I was worried for my poor knee. Suddenly I see my traveling companion. I had to get up once because the seat I sat on was reserved for another passenger; Once they took their sit, we got up and sat on a vacant seat with a cabin table and good leg rooms.

The ride was smooth and quick, we got od at Birmingham, went in to the NEC, now the NEC is this huge and mostly vacant structure that can be mistaken for an airport, it was airy and all the shop and outlets were closed; GG we had to find our way to the hotel. I have to tell you this; the walk to the hotel was like round the town in never ending walk, I have never walked that much in all my life. It was very awkward. We finally made it to Holiday Inn where we will be resting our weary heads for the next two nights, my priority was to take a bath and massage my poor stressed and tired feet. I did that so well in that clean bath; I filled with warm water and laddered with dove body wash; sock my tired body, my body and lay there for 2 hours till it was time to get up for dinner.

This would be my first experience with Resort world as we would have our 1st dinner in a Mexican restaurant; now I am not even going to say anything about the food I got that night, I ordered with such excitement and let's just say I had to eat because I was very hungry.

My excitement knew no bound, I was absorbing everything around happening around. What am saying is that my first day at work was a two night 3day travel to a student union conference where I will meet so many amazing people, every now and then I would turn around and ask myself, are you dreaming? No it wasn’t a dream.

I took so many pictures just to make sure that it was real that I was actually at the conference where many great people spoke in the NUS president Shakira and I have to tell you about the speech by Alex Sheen. “BECAUSE I SAID I WOULD” that guy brought tears to my eyes, many aspects of his speech resonated with me.

Death, tragedies and suffering is something I am very familiar with on a personal level. You see I lost my father in 2008 to prostate cancer my only consolation is that I spoke to him the night before he died. I could not make it to his burial in Nigeria because I did not have the means and my mother was not very well at the time. I have lived through hardship and so on I never had time to make peace with my father passing and not only that I lost 2 of my immediate junior brothers back to back I did not have the chance to take part in their funeral.

I believe I mentioned in my interview with Grace that my mother is my role model, this poor woman lost four of her children and had to endure other forms of suffering like putting up with her husband marrying 2 other wives and abandoning her and her children to one corner of the house to fend for themselves. Imagine me, out of bed around 4.40 am before sun sets, skinny, light skin 8 years old, with a basin and tray on my head doing a round of hawking akara and akamu(custard and fried beans balls) possibly weighing 20kg in the morning before going to school and coming back to do the same. I did more than that in the morning; human beings are very resilient creature my share of tragedy can stretch from here to Timbuktu but you know what? I will not change that memory with a bar of gold and that brings me back to the reason why I am so over the moon that I will be starting in a role where I will have the opportunity to make a difference.

Like I said none of my brothers or sister went beyond year 8 and I want to change this kismart, Faith or helplessness for many people that will be coming to study here in LSBU. My life is a story book; I am not telling you this so you can feel sorry for me but so you can be inspired; believe if she can get there so can you all. If I listened to my parent, I would probably be married with 12.8 children instead I am here single mother embarking on a journey that will make a difference to many lives if I put in my all and put in my all I will definitely do.

The NUSSU17 BIRMINGHAM, a yearly conference where student union from across the country come together to address issues a that affect student across the country. There were many workshops which I attended and particularly liked the presentation on Apprenticeship and Engaging with digital because this very avenue relates very much with students and also some of the points in my manifesto. I met many wonderful people.

I must talk about the food, I love cooking and I believe people who know me and have eating my food will tell you that I can cook. So we eat dinners whilst there in a place called Resort Worlds, this place has like many chains of pubs and restaurants; let's just say I could not wait to get back and eat my mother’s Egusi soup or jollof rice. Now breakfast was a whole different ball game which I enjoyed very much; Courtesy of Holiday Inn;

Oh yes! I must mention that I did not have to share room and had the privilege of taking long swim baths throughout the three days. Now before I wander off again, Birmingham was a very encouraging experience, it is all about what the student union can do for students on a local level; helping the sabbatical officers to bring about changes student want to see happen. So I am all excited about starting a new job; I can’t get it through my head, am I really doing this? Yes, I am. If you visit the LSBSU web site, you will see some of the pictures we took in Birmingham.

The whole Birmingham experience was something to be desired; the organizers provided very delicious lunches during the events. After three days of workshops and presentation and several trips to Resort world and its enchanting lake, it was time to head home. This was on Wednesday after the last presentation, if I am honest; the Presentation on the last day about winning engagement through digital means was very relevant and helpful.

The train ride back to London would start at 7pm, all the program we had to attend finished at 5 pm. We had 2 whole precious hours before our train would lift off to timely introduce us back in London. It was fast approaching dinner time, considering the 6 growling stomach and the fact that we had no time for dinner; we opted for a quicky in the subway, although not the full 5 course dinners with sparkling champagne we were expecting, the meal did the job and calmed the hungry lions, namely our bellies.

Soon enough it was time to board the train, waiting by platform 4, our train approached, and 1st class! Think again economy couch C sit 22, I remember the seat number very well. A dart smallish young lady was occupying my seat; I in a very gentle tone informed her that she was sitting on my sit. The young lady nodded and took what seemed like the longest wait of my life, it was even longer than the time I waited to find a husband; now that is a very long story that will take 3 book s to tell.

Back on the economy couch sit 22, I sat down, sipped my water and suddenly there was this stench in the air, if I was an inch closer to the source of the smell I would have vomited my entire internal organs for the onlooker to behold. My eyes scanned the compartment to identify the culprit, two row in front of me was sitting a middle age Caucasian guy full and totally debauched. The stench became stronger every time he opened his mouth and I can tell you he had no habit of keeping it zipped. I would have moved seat if there was any vacant sit in that couch; as luck may have it he got off at Coventry but let half his stench that will follow us till Euston.

Interviewed by Grace work experience student on my role and experience as a sabbatical officer so far. My aspirations, key points in my manifesto and what the journey is like so far. To see the whole interview check it out on our website LSBSU. This event brought the entire week to an end. I must give the week a very high mark.

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