#but someone i know FOR A FACT i blocked for being 16. they changed their bio to 18 a week later | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mixelation · 8 months

Text

i wrote more reborn au. it is the situation described previously when tori has a non-team 4 mission go awry

i might change the timeline a little, but for now: tori is 16, and she has an official position in R&D so she takes fewer out of village missions. i might change it later but she gives her rank as tokubetsu jounin, because my interpretation of this rank is that you have some sort of high-value jounin-level skill (like fuinjutsu) but your OVERALL skills aren't really jounin level. so she got promoted hella fast after making chunin, but she gets stuck at this rank a while whereas itachi and deidara get to full jounin like immediately lmao. also she and itachi have been fake-dating a few months, but that's not relevant to the following

uuh also this has some stuff that i feel like doesn't punch as hard as it should without context to foreshadow it, so apologizes if some details seem to come out of nowhere???

The mission started off uncomfortable and it didn’t get much better.

The premise was this: a research team had tracked some rare scrolls all the way into the boonies of a tiny jungle territory between Fire Country and Water Country, which had historically been traded back and forth between both countries but was currently maintaining its status as an independent state after the fallout of the Third Shinobi War. It had no native ninja clans, but enough powers had occupied it that both Kiri and Konoha occasionally sent in probes to figure out if there were any leftover ninja-related valuables.

The idea was that a ninja village had the rights to ninja materials, even if they’d both technically agreed not to interfere with the tiny nation. Tori understood everyone in her life just accepted this as a morally neutral fact of the world and elected not to analyze it further for her own sanity. It wasn’t like she wasn’t ready and willing to forego her own ethical framework when it was convenient.

So the research team had followed some local leads to unearth an ancient and abandoned shinobi stronghold of unknown origin, but had been blocked from accessing it because the fuuinjutsu protecting it was so old no one on the team could figure out how to break it. This was how Tori was chosen for the back-up team Minato was sending in: if you wanted someone to disentangle an unknown and strange set of seals quickly and without damaging the surrounding structure, Tori was your girl. There simply wasn’t anyone else as good except Kushina herself, and Kushina had way more in-village responsibilities.

The risk of spending a long time at this location was that Kiri would inevitably notice and send their own team in, and then even if they avoided an outright conflict, Konoha risked Kiri running off with the scrolls or whatever other treasures happened to be in the stronghold, if any. This was how the rest of the Tori’s team was picked: combat ninja for back-up.

“Oh, this is the most fun part about being a fuinjutsu specialist, you know,” Kushina had told her, when she’d gone over to pick up fuinjutsu supplies from her office. “You get sent on all sorts of weird missions to all sorts of places, and work with all sorts of people!”

Kushina was… maybe more social and likable than Tori. Kushina could make friends with a rock. Tori, in contrast, somehow started a feud with half the people she met.

It started with some weird comments. Tori pulled a bottle of insect repellant out of a storage seal during one of their breaks on the first day, and her teammate made a snide remark about Tori living a life of luxury.

“...do you want some?” Tori offered.

She was literally just using a store-bought spray in a standard-design storage scroll. Kushina had told her off more than once for over-relying on storage scrolls which could be easily stolen or destroyed or lost, but she’d seen other shinobi do this. She’d seen their captain do this, earlier. This was normal behavior.

The weird comments continued from the same teammate, who was a rank-and-file jounin with no additional titles. Mostly they were jabs at her main designation being R&D: surprise she could clean fish, condescendingly assuring her she wouldn’t have to fight and risk chipping a nail. The comments got an occasional snicker from other ninja, but they weren’t overtly hostile and definitely not as mean as whatever the fuck Itachi might say just in friendly conversation. She gritted her teeth and beared it.

The guy was only like nineteen or twenty. Tori wasn’t sure what his problem with her was, since he was pretty young for a jounin and couldn’t be so untalented that it would make sense for him to have a chip on his shoulder, but also he was young enough that maybe he just hadn’t matured very much yet. Or maybe it was just that she was even younger and already a tokubetsu jounin and– gasp!– a woman. People generally highly praised Deidara and Itachi for making jounin so young, but their talents were generally more obvious, and also they were men. Shinobi were less sexist than the surrounding civilian attitudes toward women, but the misogyny still crept into their culture. Sometimes some men just got upset when women were smarter or stronger or higher ranked than them. Even Kushina occasionally got pushback.

(Not that no one ever acted jealous or insane to Itachi or Deidara– it was just that they got it less often, and people rarely acted like that twice, because both boys were nightmare people.)

So she ignored her teammate and didn’t think much of it. Sometimes people were just assholes. In Oto or in Akatsuki, this might have led to him doing something unspeakably horrible to her, but this was Konoha. Konoha ninja could be petty and mean and jaded, but they didn’t do that.

Tori hadn’t gotten to go into the jungles of this world often, and her mood did brighten even as the weather got hotter and more humid and they had to slow down as the foliage got denser. She liked seeing the shift in trees from Hashirama trees to broad-leafed jungle trees, seeing strangler figs and hearing tree frogs and finding the prints of a large cat. She even found delight in the presence of native giant leeches they also imported to their Forest of Death.

“The anticoagulants they excrete actually have a lot of medical applications,” she said cheerfully, poking one gently with a stick. They could also kill you if you let one attach for too long.

“Uh, okay,” said their captain. “Keep on task.”

“When you let a researcher out of the lab,” another teammate joked to the one who kept ragging on her. Tori rolled her eyes.

It took almost an entire week to get to the stronghold. During this time, the teammate that was ragging on her got both the other ninja with them to also start on the same sort of stupid jokes. Tori pulled a branch off a squat little tree and offered it to the teammate who’d started it all.

“Here, it’s an insect repellent,” she said, smiling as sweetly as she could. “Since you forgot to bring yours.”

For some reason, this just made the teammate meaner. By the time they researched the stronghold, she was getting accusations that she was only here due to favoritism from the fucking Hokage.

“On task,” the captain sighed, having also laughed at a couple of the jokes.

Whatever, Tori thought.

The lead of the research team, at least, didn’t even blink when he saw her. He was technically part of R&D. She had a reputation there.

The stronghold was a small, stone building overgrown with strangler figs. The research team had already removed the foliage from the entrance and revealed the seal protecting it, which probably saved at least half a day’s work. Still, the fuinjutsu on it was a mess, and it took Tori a couple hours to disentangle what was even going on.

The research leader bounced his knee in anticipation the entire time. Apparently they’d found evidence the night before of other shinobi in the area, and they were afraid Kiri could show up at any moment.

“Can’t you do that faster?” Tori’s captain asked as she made notes on her own scroll.

“Not unless you want me to risk blowing it up,” Tori replied.

“Well, try harder,” he said.

She wondered, vaguely, if he would have this attitude towards her if he hadn’t spent a whole week listening to someone make demeaning comments about her. Maybe she should have tried to nip that in the bud sooner? Usually she’d prefer an opponent underestimating her, but these were people she needed to trust her skills… she’d promised herself to stop thinking of everyone she met as an enemy until proven otherwise.

Well, whatever. The nice thing about her boss being a fuinjutsu master was that if this captain tried to report on her being too slow, Minato would put him straight immediately.

She got the seal off in record time. Instead of opening into the little building, the door led to a staircase that went straight down into the earth. Tori held back a comment about Oto also being arranged like this. She didn’t need to remind her asshole teammate that she was a foreigner on top of whatever he didn’t like about her.

“Great,” the research lead sighed.

The next several days were spent exploring the tunnels that turned out to be underneath the building. They were carved out by an underground river, which still flowed through the main passages. The remains of wooden walkways over it were still apparent, but the structure had largely rotted away and they were forced to walk on the walls or the river itself. There were more fuinjutsu-covered doors leading to narrow rooms and more fucking stairways down, in a confusing labyrinth of passages that mostly held nothing of value.

The combat team was roped into searching the tunnels in order to cover more area quickly, since there was the ongoing anxiety that Kiri could show up any minute. They all seemed bored by the slow progress of Tori opening up new passageways only for no one to find anything but rotting wood furniture and, once, some old and useless cookware. Tori was having fun, at least. Whoever had set up the security seals must have been high when they did it.

Then everything went to shit all at once.

Tori was taking her lunch break, squatting in the corner of an empty room and eating a protein bar, when her asshole teammate showed up to report he’d found another fuinjutsu-covered door. Many of the rooms had puddles from the river leaking through cracks, and the jounin rushed in so quickly he didn’t even bother water-walking over them.

The door he’d found was different from the rest, with an ornately carved stone door frame. It also wasn’t wood like the rest had been, held together against time by fuinjutsu. This door was a solid block of rock, a giant disc on the side of the door frame.

“I bet Hokage-sama will give us a bonus if we’re the ones who find the scrolls,” he said, his excitement obvious as Tori poked at the door. “They do that for object recovery, right?”

“I think that’s only if you find something that wasn’t a part of the mission parameters,” Tori replied, taking a step back to squint at the full seal. There wasn’t a universal pattern to them, but she was getting pretty quick about identifying and then dismantling the relevant parts.

“Pft, what do you know,” her teammate replied, kicking at a puddle.

“No offense,” Tori started, pulling out her brush and a jar of ink, “but what is your problem with me?”

Her teammate didn’t answer, watching her paint very carefully over the seal. The stone wheel that made up the door groaned and slowly rolled aside.

The room inside was definitely different from the rest. The back wall was nothing but running water, held in place by more fuinjutsu that formed a gently glowing web of chakra over it. There was also actual decoration on the exposed stone walls, carved and then painted in. In the center of the room was a stone pedestal with an obvious scroll box.

Tori’s teammate was obnoxious, but he was still a jounin and not an idiot. He waited for Tori to flick chakra-infused ink into the room and then perform a jutsu to check for traps.

The room itself was safe. The problem was that the pedestal was obviously boobytrapped.

“Can you undo it?” her teammate asked, peering at the box. It matched the description the research team had.

It was hard to reveal the seals on the pedestal and take a look. They were, in fact, more insane than what was on all the doors. Unlike the doors, these were meant to be somewhat permanent, not meant for anyone but the sealmaster who made them to take off.

“It’s… going to take some time,” Tori said cautiously. “But, shit, this array itself is probably valuable.”

She pointed to how it scattered down the pedestal to the river wall and then up and across the ceiling in a nonstandard shape. If it were disrupted, the seal holding the water back would break, immediately flooding the room. At the same time, the bit on the ceiling would collapse… something. Either the ceiling itself or wall with the exit.

There was a mechanism also holding the box in place and locked shut, so no random person would be able to move it or open it and then accidentally set off the trap. Breaking that part of the seal wouldn’t be any more difficult than the doors, but Tori would need some time to figure out how to disentangle this mechanism from the deathtrap so they didn’t set it off and could remove the scrolls safely.

“Alright,” the jounin said at length. “But you have to make it clear I’m the one who found it.”

Tori really, really didn’t think this mattered, but before they could decide what exactly to do, two strangers walked into the room. They were both wearing Kiri headbands.

“Are you kidding me?” the jounin said, stepping between Tori and the Kiri-nin and drawing a kunai.

She hadn’t noticed it over the rush of the river in front of them, but now that Tori was concentrating, she could hear the shouts of a fight outside.

“Oh nice, you found it for us,” one of the Kiri said. Both had swords drawn. Tori drew her own kunai and shifted into a fight-ready stance.

“Surely there’s a diplomatic solution to this,” she tried.

“Oops, too late,” the other Kiri-nin answered, flashing teeth at her.

Tori’s jounin teammate took a step back and whispered out of the corner of his mouth: “I’ll engage them. Get the box off.”

“But–” Tori started.

Behind his back, he signed that they’d flash step out. Tori nodded slowly. It was risky, and she wasn’t sure she could flash step quickly enough to not get caught in the trap, but a really good jounin could.

This was the best part of Konoha, she thought. Even assholes had your back.

One of the Kiri-nin chucked a handful of kunai at them, and Tori fully turned to back to face the seal on the pedestal. She heard the clink of her teammate batting the blades out of the air with his sword. Yes, even this guy had her back, no questions asked.

She barely watched the fight as she concentrated on her own work. Her teammate was a good fighter, and he managed to counter both ninja while also keeping any attacks from hitting her. It only took a few minutes for him to kill one of the Kiri-nin, after which the second backed off and tried more mid-range attacks.

“Got it,” Tori finally announced. Her teammate pounced on the Kiri-nin, plunging the sword into her.

“Do it,” he told Tori, turning to her with the wild eyes of man high on his own bloodlust.

“As soon as I release it, the seal–” Tori started to warn.

The Kiri-nin he’d left crumpled in the corner groaned and rolled onto her feet unsteadily, still alive.

“It’s okay, I got you,” her teammate said, wrapping an arm around her waist. “The faster we move, the faster we can back-up our teammates.”

“Right,” Tori agreed, poising her paintbrush. “On the count of three.”

What happened next was such a slimy move that it completely blindsided Tori, even if it shouldn’t have. Training herself to no longer assume that people were just going to screw her over for no reason had been a bad idea, it turned out.

She called one as she made the last of her brush strokes. Her mouth started on the syllable, and the jounin adjusted his grip on her so his hand was around the supply pack at the small of her back. He leaned over and put his hand over the box, his grip adjusted wide enough to wrap the last joints of his fingers over the top. This would be a weird as fuck hold for a joint flash step, but Tori didn’t give it a second thought. He just moved to put his hand on the box. That was their mission.

And then he flash stepped through the rubble suddenly raining down on them, taking the box and Tori’s pack with him, leaving Tori behind to be knocked over by the sudden wave of water.

The first few moments of the room flooding were chaos. Part of the ceiling and the entire wall collapsed, and debris hit her shoulder and legs as the water battered her around.

It calmed eventually, with the water only waist deep. Tori spat out water and fumbled for one of the glow sticks in her weapons pack.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” the wounded Kiri-nin asked when Tori lit up the room. “Holy shit, did he leave you on purpose?”

Tori bit her lip. Yes, he totally had. What the fuck. Konoha ninja weren’t supposed to be like this.

When Tori didn’t respond, the Kiri-nin wrote her off and started yelling at the collapsed wall for help. There was no evidence anyone heard her at all.

The good news was that the river wasn’t rushing in. Its source must have also partially collapsed, leaving the river at a small trickle.

“The water had a way out,” Tori announced, wading toward the back wall. “Maybe we can…”

She tried diving. When she found nothing, the Kiri-nin also tried. The exit the water had been taking before was completely sealed off.

“Oooh, we’re fucked,” the Kiri-nin sighed. “What the fuck was your friend’s plan?”

“I don’t…” Tori started. He should have taken her with him. It was well within his abilities. He’d told her.

He’d also taken her travel pack with all her fuinjutsu supplies. She still had some kunai and shuriken and a flare and a couple glow sticks in her weapons pack, but those would hardly help. She had a few scrolls still on her, but none of those were going to get her out.

The water was getting higher. Tori found she was shaking. Konoha ninja weren’t supposed to do this.

Old Tori had been physically weaker, but she hadn’t been this gullible, this stupid. She hadn’t been able to afford it.

“I-I can stop the water,” Tori told the Kiri-nin, embarrassed that her voice sounded like she was on the brink of tears.

The Kiri-nin eyed her with something that was either pity or disgust or both.

“Is this your first life or death mission, little girl?” she asked.

Tori let out a hysterical laugh. No, actually, she should have anticipated this happening from the first weird comment. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

“I’m sixteen,” Tori said. “They’ve sent me into worse.”

She said this more to remind herself. She’d survived worse. She’d just been an idiot, thinking she’d finally been in a position to trust people.

The Kiri-nin snorted.

“Whatever, Konoha. Don’t stop the water yet. That might be the only way out.”

The Kiri-nin performed a series of water jutsu, meant to scope out the walls and floor and ceiling and find any gaps they could take advantage of, either to drain the water or send a message for help or get out. It would make sense if the person who set up the trap also left a way to get out, rather, let themselves back in to retrieve their scrolls.

Tori wondered if the Kiri-nin would actually help her if she identified a way out, or if she’d also spitefully leave her for dead. How sad would it be, if she was betrayed by her own comrade and saved by a random Kiri-nin?

Tori didn’t get to find out the answer to the question, because the Kiri-nin didn’t find anything. If there was a way back in, it wasn’t accessible from the inside. The Kiri-nin leaned back against a wall, panting with exertion and holding her side where Tori’s teammate had stabbed her.

“I’m a medic,” Tori offered. Her medical supplies were off with her treasonous teammate, but she could still do some chakra-based stuff.

“Shut up,” the Kiri-nin groaned. “Okay, I’m going to dive again and try to get out through the river’s entrance.”

“You sure you don’t want me to at least stop the bleeding–”

“Shut up.”

The Kiri-nin dived. When she didn’t come back for a very long time, Tori waded over to the river’s entrance and attempted diving herself.

There wasn’t an opening big enough to fit her body through. Instead, she found the Kiri-nin’s body with her arm wedged into a crevice that must have collapsed further when she stuck her arm in. Tori couldn’t dislodge it to try and drag the woman back to the surface. She was dead, anyway.

Tori pulled one of her remaining scrolls from her vest and set up a barrier to block the influx of water. It was now up to her chest.

Then she pulled herself up to sit on top of the water and very quietly freaked out.

It wasn’t being trapped in a sealed room with two dead Kiri-nin that freaked her out, exactly. It wasn’t even that she had no idea if any of her teammates outside were alive or aware she needed help. It wasn’t even necessarily that her teammate had seemingly turned on her for stupid reasons.

It was that she had gone out of her way to assume an asshole was just an asshole, that Konoha ninja were the exception to the rule she’d learned through both her shitty lives, like an idiot. It stung, worse than she would have thought it would.

Her barrier eventually ran out of chakra, and as she watched it flicker and die, a horrible thought struck Tori.

No one was going to come help her, because her teammate was not going to report her as alive but trapped. He was going to report her as definitively dead, because there was no way he’d let her be seen alive to tell her side of the story.

Maybe, once they got back to Konoha and formally reported her KIA, Minato would send someone for her body. They usually only did that for people with stealable bloodline limits, but Kushina would probably push for it. Or maybe, if the rest of the team was all killed by Kiri or otherwise too injured to go back themselves, Minato would eventually send someone to check up on them. Neither scenario was a timeline where Tori would still be alive if she stayed in here.

In the best case scenario, her team beat off the Kiri-nin, and then someone came looking for her. The asshole teammate would protest, would insist she was dead in a collapsed and inaccessible room, but maybe someone would insist on retrieving her body.

It seemed unlikely. She’d already been too charitable with her assessment of this team. None of them were coming for her.

She had two more scrolls with barriers to hold back the water slowly seeping in. Neither of them had enough chakra to last more than a couple hours, but she could recharge them a few times with her own chakra, although without food, chakra would become a finite resource. She had maybe a day before she drowned using just these tools.

She could make a seal, of course. Her teammate had taken her supplies, and the ink and brush she’d had out before we lost in the flood, but she still had a body full of blood and plenty of surfaces to draw on. It wouldn’t be easy or neat, since blood required different calculations and wet, uneven rocks would be hard to draw on, but she could do it.

Her first idea was to tap into one of her storage dimensions. She had some food squirreled away in one, and some fuinjutsu supplies in another. The one she’d stuck a bunch of spare camping supplies in probably even had a better light source.

Okay, Tori decided, standing on the water, here I go.

xXx

Two days passed, and no one came for her. With food and fuinjutsu supplies, she’d been able to wrap a double barrier around the main source of water, but it must have been slowly seeping in from somewhere else too because the water level was still slowly rising. She could no longer stand fully on the water surface, and she’d had no good way to sleep.

She tried a controlled explosion on the wall she knew led to an open passage, but instead she’d just collapsed more of the room. There must not have been anything above her but more earth.

The explosion had also shaken the Kiri-nin’s body loose, and Tori didn’t really have anywhere to put it, so she was just… floating.

Tori’s new plan was to get a message to Konoha. Maybe a regular team wouldn’t get to her in time, but Minato could. She wasn’t sure he would, but…

She struggled to cling to this hope, even though it turned out trust was a lie and Konoha-nin were the types to just fuck you over for no reason.

Tori didn’t really have a good way to send a message herself. Between Itachi’s crows and Deidara’s animated clay, they’d always taken care of it when she’d been on a regular team. She’d never had a need to invent her own way. She stuck some messages into storage dimensions she knew Kushina also had the key to, but she wasn’t sure why Kushina would check them unless she knew Tori was in danger.

Which she wouldn’t know, because Tori’s teammate was an asshole.

She did know a couple time-space jutsu, but those were notoriously difficult, and she didn’t know any that wouldn’t require another person. She wasn’t even sure any solo ones existed, besides the Hiraishin, because usually you at least needed a receiver.

Tori ran option after option through her brain. She didn’t know shit about summoning jutsu, which would be super useful in this situation if not just for the ability to reverse summon. Could she logic her way through how they must work and then reverse engineer it…?

No, she’d have better luck reverse engineering the Hiraishin. At least she knew some of the theory behind that one.

Sitting on the water, the top of her head brushed the ceiling. Or maybe she should focus on making a full-wall seal to keep the water out. That she was at least positive she could do. But that would take so much time…

Tori stuck her head between her knees and willed herself not to cry. She still felt so fucking stupid, and the lack of sleep and floating corpse weren’t helping. Of course she shouldn't have trusted the guy who was making fun of her the whole time. Of course, of course, stupid, stupid, stupid.

She mentally flipped through everything she knew about time-space jutsu, feeling hysterical. She’d tried the Hiraishin before, and nothing had even happened because only two people in the world had ever managed it. Even with entire villages trying to beat it during the war, no one had even come close. It would be deeply stupid and arrogant of her to push forward assuming she could accomplish what entire teams of more experienced shinobi had failed to do.

She was developing a crick in her neck from being bent forward as she approached the ceiling, so she laid down on her back. All her clothes were already wet regardless.

Except, she had spent a lot of time thinking deep thoughts about the Hiraishin, because, well, it didn’t make sense no one had been able to copy it. Minato had left seals all over the place. No one had even been able to figure out how to undo them without removing the entire object the seal was on; it was why Iwa had been so terrified of them sneaking even one in.

The markers are only a guide for the actual jutsu, Minato had said when she’d asked, and then when she’d asked again and again, Only I can use them, because only I have my chakra.

But why couldn’t someone else use his chakra? She just couldn’t shove this explanation into her understanding of how space-time jutsu worked. Most of them worked using another user as a receiver on the other end, or else by using multiple people to throw something to a receiving array, and none of them worried about chakra incompatibilities. Tori had been considering using a fucking tree as a receiver, if she’d had the foresight to set up a tree-powered seal to be her receiver. And why the fuck hadn’t she done that, if she’d thought about it so much? How had she never anticipated being trapped with no hope of back-up? Old Tori would have never. Stupid, stupid, stupid–

Actually, Tori thought, sitting up on her elbows. Hiraishin wasn’t receiver-less, was it? Minato just did both jutsu on one end but somehow the marker anchored the receiving jutsu, somehow slingshotting him through space. Or at least that was the only way Tori could conceptualize it possibly working. You could, in theory, use an already active seal as an unmanned receiver; it was just that you needed to be really, insanely good to make a seal that complex that could stay active for long periods of time. That was why Tori’s idea had used a tree’s chakra to power the receiving end. But if you just had, like, some sort of tiny, self-sustaining guide for your receiver jutsu….? That was probably why it had to be Minato’s own chakra.

Tori had no idea how to simultaneously do two jutsu and also do them so lightning fast it was basically instantaneous from having the thought to teleporting, the way Minato did. But why couldn’t she include both in a seal, with one of his markers as the anchor? At the end of the day, Tori had taught herself to use fuinjutsu almost entirely with other people’s chakra. Her original concept she’d been working on (but never tested, like an idiot) had been based around a goddamn tree. She’d done extensive testing on how chakra from different sources varied and how to optimize jutsu to it. She could totally hijack one of Minato’s seals.

She was worryingly close to the ceiling now, even flat on her back. She drew a copy of a Hiraishin marker and then got to work painting a combination send-and-receive transport seal around it.

xXx

Tori found herself on a dark forest floor, gasping for breath. She had no idea where she was, but at least she was no longer under fucking water. Pine needles poked into her back as she collapsed, staring up into the canopy. The trees had spindly arms and the full moon peeked through.

The forest was still and quiet. Tori was working very hard on not hyperventilating.

I’m alive, she promised herself. I’m breathing.

Her body was shaking from adrenaline. She’d gotten a working seal painted in time, even if she’d had a hell of a time activating it. She was fine. She was alive.

She got about three seconds of time to lay there and breathe before Minato was suddenly on top of her, a rasengan waving in her face. Tori shrieked.

“It’s me, it’s me!” she screeched. The rasengan, being made mostly of chakra, gave off its own weak light, and Minato’s face was dead-serious as he commanded that she give various identifying codes to confirm her identity. Tori’s brain was already scattered and panicked from barely escaping drowning, and her answers came out garbled. Finally she yammered, “Who else would be hijacking your seals?”

Minato was quiet for a few moments, and then he released the rasengan. Rather than reabsorb the chakra, he let it spiral out in a gust of wind that made Tori shiver.

Minato stood. He was in his pajamas, and one knee was damp from where he’d been kneeling on her stomach. He offered her a hand. In the moonlight, his face looked weary.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he asked, sounding exhausted. “Report.”

The phrasing of the command meant that even if he was in his pajamas, he was talking to her as Hokage right now. Tori did her best to straighten up and explain herself like she would for a mission or a lab experiment gone wrong, but her story quickly turned into an upset ramble.

She didn’t know if her team was alive. She wasn’t even sure how much time had passed. Her teammate had been an asshole to her and she’d ignored it but she shouldn’t have because that was her clue she shouldn’t have trusted him with shit–

“How did you get here?” MInato cut her off. His voice was barely restrained emotion, stress and anger. Tori felt almost taken aback. She’d thought he’d care more than she nearly died.

She felt stupid that she was this upset over a bunch of nobodies leaving her for dead, about being this incoherent over almost dying. Wasn’t she tougher than this? Why did Minato being mad at her make her want to cry?

She walked him through the logic of her escape efforts. If Minato had any personal thoughts on her initial attempts or her aside that the Kiri-nin’s body had just been hanging out, he didn’t show them. His eyebrows did raise higher and higher as she described her eventual solution to her predicament.

“You just came up with that?” he asked. She couldn’t tell if he was dumbfounded or furious.

Maybe this will be when they decide I’m too dangerous and kill me, Tori thought. She’d thought she’d been safe from this inevitability, but maybe not.

“Well,” Tori replied slowly. The fact that no one could hijack his seals had been bugging her for years. He knew this, because his and Kushina’s own dismissive attitudes were why she’d been stuck on it. He knew this about her. She shouldn’t have to lie and back off. “I’ve been mulling it over, and I thrive under stress.”

Minato sighed loudly. He still seemed tense, but he wasn’t exactly angry, she didn’t think.

“We need to destroy it, even if you think the passage is inaccessible,” Minato told her. “Tori, I cannot stress how dangerous it is to leave evidence–” He cut himself off, frowning. “Shit, I can access it.”

And then he was gone. Tori shifted awkwardly, peering around her. She definitely wasn’t anywhere near Konoha. The amount of pine meant she’d probably ended up way further north, although she didn’t have enough light to be identifying exact species to narrow it down much further than that. How the hell did Minato aim this thing?

Tori was soaked, and the forest was colder than a Fire Country night. She shivered and peeled off her outer layer, wringing it out. A few minutes later, Minato returned, now also wet.

“Good news is, I destroyed it for you,” he told her. He still sounded stressed, but there was a hint of relief in there. “So that problem, at the very least, has been resolved.”

Minato was not mad at her for breaking his jutsu, per se, but everything about his body language was deeply tense. He banned her from ever drawing it up again without his direct supervision, or even mentioning the idea of it to anyone. Now that Tori wasn’t afraid of dying alone in a cave, it occurred to her that Minato had hundreds of his seals in Konoha. Tens of them were in his house alone. One was in the Kyuubi’s seal. If an enemy could do what Tori just did, they were all fucked.

Tori was very certain no one else on the planet could do what she did in this very specific regard, including Minato himself. But perhaps a motivated person could copy her, or an informed person could follow her line of research to figure it out themselves.

“Okay,” Minato finished his very long list of commands on things she was never even to think about doing again. He took a deep breath. “Now we can move on to the other problem. Your teammate did what?”

She walked him through the story again, and was relieved that she seemed too tired to cry. That asshole wasn’t worth her tears, although she still felt deeply stupid and almost embarrassed as she described what happened to Minato. She felt like a whiny kid recalling the passive aggressive comments, and then like a moron when she described trusting his plan.

When she was done, Minato said very slowly, “I want you to understand that I believe you, Tori. However, as Hokage, I will have to do an investigation before making any decisions.”

Tori frowned. “So no one sent a message?”

Minato raised an eyebrow. “Tori, you beat any message they could get to me.”

That seemed wrong, as Tori had also had this whole upsetting detour where she’d nearly drowned in an underground room.

“Okay,” Tori replied dully. “What do you want me to do?”

If he made her go back to her mission, she was going to throw a fit. Instead, he put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

“You successfully completed your assigned part of the mission,” he said. “And, as much as you scared me, I’m really glad you didn’t die. I think you should get some rest.”

He brought her to his home. Tori had not seen full light in days, and even the kitchen overhead light made her squint and blink rapidly when he switched it on.

“I want to hear what they report before they know you made it back alive,” he told her in a hushed tone. “So lay low and hang out here a few days.”

Tori squinted at him. “That’s pretty mean,” she assessed. “I like it.”

She wasn’t sure how he would treat this situation if it happened to another shinobi. Certainly he wouldn’t let most people stay in his home; they didn’t exactly have a revolving door of house guests. It made her feel better, she thought as she showered off in the guest bathroom, to be reminded someone did value her as more than a tool or an obstacle.

Even if he commented about the mission first, her brain reminded her traitorously.

When she stepped out of the bathroom, a set of women’s pajamas had appeared neatly-folded on the guest bed. They were almost definitely Kushina’s, and given Kushina was significantly taller than her, fit comfortably loose. Tori stepped out of the guest bedroom to find Kushina angrily chopping vegetables in the kitchen.

“It’s 2 AM,” Tori told her. “What are you doing?”

Kushina paused, sticking her bottom lip out at Tori. She was wearing a baggy shirt that came down to mid-thigh and her hair was braided back and wrapped for sleep. Tori barely had time to react before she was in a hug.

“I’m working out my feelings in a productive way,” Kushina said, releasing her. “Besides, you need to eat.”

Tori did not want to admit she wanted a longer hug. Instead, she persuaded Kushina to let her eat cup ramen instead of the full course meal Kushina appeared to be preparing to make. Kushina did insist she felt better chopping things up and she was only saving herself time doing it later for dinner, so Tori sat at the table and listened to the rhythmic sound of Kushina taking out her anger on some carrots.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Kushina insisted more than once. Minato might have told her the basics to explain Tori’s presence, but surely Kushina didn’t know all the details of Tori’s mission. She was in no place to know if Tori had actually done anything wrong or not. Still, sometimes Kushina’s blind faith was reassuring.

“Thanks for the PJs,” Tori told her before escaping to bed.

She’d never stayed overnight in the Uzumaki-Namikaze house. She’d only ever seen the guest bedroom to dump her coat off before a party. But the bed was comfortable and had a thick comforter, and she found herself bone-tired. She fell asleep immediately.

#reborn au #my writing #this is almost 7k making it TWICE as long as i wanted it to be. why

164 notes · View notes

yeonboy · 4 months

Text

𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐚 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐬𝐤𝐞𝐲 ♡ choi beomgyu.

He aches to be the one you would have snuck off with; to be the one you would want to share secret kisses with. He aches. And in that moment, he realizes his feelings have gone too far. They have caused him to stop being a true well-wisher to you; he is being selfish. He needs to take a step back. Or, Choi Beomgyu is head over heels in love with his best friend – and she simply doesn’t feel the same.

❧ choi beomgyu x f. reader | 16+ | college!au ♡ best friends!au ♡ unrequited love!au ♡ angst ♡ drama.

❧ 4.7 k words

❧ warnings! profanity, an extreeeeeme amount of pining, one-sided feelings, unrequited love, jealousy, heartbreak, some self-deprication, one (1) mention of drinking and partying, one (1) mention of making out, maybe an innuendo or two! mostly just buckets full of mopey, pining gyu </3 and a hopeful (?) ending (:

❧ note! i wrote this because i was listening to m5’s whiskey and crying and thinking of gyu so take that how u will </3 please note that the lyrics are there just to set the tone, not to be taken too literally. i just love this song, man. please don’t hate me for the ending, i changed it thrice and then settled on this. it just felt perfect to me this way :”) also! pls excuse the lack of dividers, tumblr won't let me add them without hiding the post from the tags for some reason :/

❧ masterlist | inbox ⁘

i never knew that love was blind; till i was hers and she was never mine…

“So, I have a question for you.”

Beomgyu blinks at your words, letting the steel straw escape his lips as you pull his strawberry milkshake away from him.

In fascination, he watches the way your lips wrap around the shiny tube in the exact place where his own had been. You slurp once and pull away, leaving a tint of pink – pinker than the drink, pinker than Beomgyu’s cheeks, pinker than the love-goggles that are permanently on his eyes when he’s with you – on the edge of the straw.

“Gyu?”

He wants to wipe that pink away with his lips, so bad. But your hand comes in with a tissue to clean that precious speck of your lipstick away, before he can even blink a second time.

Now he blinks again and looks up at you. God, you’re so gorgeous with your brows all furrowed and lips all pouty. He is so thoroughly ruined by you. Why does he continue to subject himself to this torture instead of keeping his distance like a sane person?

He doesn’t fucking know.

“Y–yeah? What question?”

“A hypothetical one. Very important, nonetheless.” You stare into space with your eyes squinted, perfect cheekbones reflecting the light from the evening traffic beyond the glass walls of the cafe you’re seated in. “If long time BFFs happen to develop feelings for each other, should they confess?”

Beomgyu chokes on air, freezing like a solid block of ice.

What did you just ask?

“You know… Just imagine! Two people who have been the best of friends for ages. And then one of them realizes they’re in love with the other.” Your rounded eyes turn to him with a hint of worry in them. “Should they confess and live their dream? Or should they take this secret to their grave and protect their friendship?”

Beomgyu is a mess.

Why the actual hell are you asking him that? Him – the one guy in your entire life that doesn’t have to imagine this specific situation because he’s been living it for years, now?

Now, he’s not panicking because he thinks you might have figured him out and are trying to pave a path to confession. No, he's self-aware enough to not be deluded. And his panic kinda stems from this very fact.

He's self-aware enough to know that while he's looking at you and daydreaming of a picket fence and good-morning kisses, your mind is stuck on someone else. Choi Soobin. Older than him, taller than him, cuter than him. Guy checks all boxes of the type of guys you like so well, Beomgyu wonders if Soobin is the reason why you created those boxes in the first place.

So he's scared out of his mind that you're paving a road to confess to Soobin.

“Wow, aren’t you super helpful this evening?”

Your whine of frustration pulls him out of his spiral. He clears his throat and shrugs his shoulders. “I don’t know, man. That’s a very subjective question.”

“Subjective?” You tilt your head in thought and Beomgyu dreads the next words you would say before you have even formed them: “Okay, let me answer it subjectively first then! Like, imagine if you had feelings for me. I wouldn't want you to confess them to me, like, ever.”

Ouch. Not that he plans to ever confess them to you, but still pretty ouch.

Slightly hurt, he drags his milkshake back to himself and slurps away the rest of it before smacking his lips and shaking his head. “Well then subjectively, it’s the complete opposite for me.”

You look at him with an extremely confused frown. “But what if I lose the friendship because you don't feel the same?”

This hypothesis is making him lose his damn mind.

“I… well, what if we lose the chance to be something much more amazing just because you were scared?”

Moment of introspection: he hopes to all the powers in the universe that he isn’t losing the chance to be something much more amazing with you just because he’s scared. You don’t like him like that, you won’t ever like him like that.

He’s being smart and self-preservative. Not scared.

You're lost in thoughts for a moment, and then you suddenly get up with a jump. Grinning at him, you lean down to peck his cheek and rush out of the cafe before he can even fully absorb the warm brush of your lips against his skin. “You're the best, Gyu, thank you so much!”

In a daze, he brings his fingertips to brush against the apple of his cheek.

Why did you run away like that? Why did you sound so excited? Fuck, are you going to confess right now?

He pulls his fingertips away.

They are pink.

yeah i was reckless, but i let it burn; i let it burn, yeah…

“And if they show up hand-in-hand, then what? Then what, huh, Tyun? It’s easy for you to say I’m overthinking, but you aren’t thinking nearly enough!”

Kang Taehyun, the university’s Student Council member who is in-charge of overseeing the set-up for tomorrow's inter-uni basketball game – and also Beomgyu’s best friend of fifteen years – rolls his eyes so hard, it’s a wonder they don’t fall out of their sockets.

“Why do you keep setting yourself up for more pain, man? Why don't you try to invest these emotions somewhere they will be appreciated?”

“I can't just compel myself to start or stop feeling, dude…”

Shin Ryujin suddenly appears behind the bleachers that the two of them were covering with a banner, both hands planted in the back pockets of her jorts. They should look incredibly lame, but she somehow pulls them off.

Beomgyu looks at her with wide eyes, wondering how much she heard.

“Yo, dumbass! Are you coming to the game tomorrow?” She’s smirking at him but there's a sparkle in her eyes that makes him chuckle at the name.

“The name's Beomgyu.”

“That's what I said. So, are you coming?”

Beomgyu has actually been trying to think of an excuse to get out his regular movie night with you - and this sounds like the perfect one. He shrugs a shoulder. “Don’t really got any plans, so… Maybe I will.”

Taehyun gives him a weird look because he knows Beomgyu always had plans on Fridays.

Ryujin grins wide. “Perfect! Well, just two requests.”

He squints with interest. “What requests?”

“Wear my jersey! And, uh, don’t bring a date, please?”

She looks extremely bashful while saying the second part of the sentence. Which is somewhat jarring. It’s Shin fucking Ryujin, she eats men for breakfast. Why is she almost blushing?

But then Taehyun is cackling, which reminds Beomgyu of the first request she made. He immediately scowls. “Hey! I’m not wearing your jersey like some groupie!

She rolls her eyes, but her lips are quirked up because he didn’t say no to the second request. And he knows he won’t; you're the only one he ever asks to accompany him to places, and he's only going to the game tomorrow to escape you.

“Your loss. Just so you know, boys are lining up to wear my jersey…”

Scoffing, Beomgyu goes back to handing Taehyun more pins. “Yeah right.”

“What? You don’t believe me?” Ryujin scoffs. “Watch this - ayo, Heeseung! Wanna wear my jersey tomorrow?”

A screech from the Students Council’s Vice Prez is followed by a high-pitched: “For real? Yes, please, I—”

“Sike! Haha, gotcha, little bitch!”

Taehyun is doubled over in laughter and even Beomgyu can’t hold in his chuckles at the look of utter devastation on Heeseung’s face and victory on Ryujin’s. She raises an eyebrow when their gazes meet. “See?”

“How much did you pay him for this skit?”

She smacks his shoulder with an irritated whine. “You’re way too fucking cynical for no damn reason, dude. Okay, no jersey - but get a no. 17 placard for me, at least?”

Rolling his eyes, he finally nods.

“Great! See ya tomorrow, loser! Bye, Tyun!”

Taehyun waves at her as she leaves, while Beomgyu cups his hands around his mouth to yell out: “The name’s Beomgyu!”

“That’s what I said!”

“Man, it’s been so long since I’ve seen you actually enjoy talking to a girl.”

Offended to his very bones, Beomgyu gapes at his best friend. “Dude! I enjoy talking to girls! I’m straight! Or did you forget how I threw up that one time when you kissed me during spin-the-bottle in seventh gra—”

“Yes, I remember!” Taehyun smacks him with a scowl on his face. “But that’s not what I meant. Gyu, you only ever talk to Y/N. Or have you not realized that? And look absolutely lovesick and physically pained while doing that.”

“Nahhhh, untrue. It’s just—” He cuts himself off to purse his lips. Taehyun is one-hundred percent correct. “It’s just a little difficult to mask my emotions all the time, but I manage…”

Taehyun just shakes his head in obvious disappointment. Then he tilts his chin up towards the direction where Ryujin is laughing around with some girls from the cheer team. “She obviously likes you a lot. Don’t hurt her.”

“I won’t,” he mumbles, lips forming a pout because this is so confusing. “But isn’t she basically signing up for the hurt if she’s doing this despite knowing where I stand with Y/N?

“Just…” Taehyun sighs. “Yeah, just don’t give her false hope.”

Beomgyu feels like he’s giving himself false hope every single time he talks to you, but what can be done.

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

You end up texting him first, that night, to cancel tomorrow’s movie night. You apparently have “plans” with a friend.

Bile rises up Beomgyu’s throat at the thought of you finally going on a date with Soobin.

He can’t get himself to directly ask if that is the case, but fuck, why won’t you tell him? He goes to sleep with a pain in his chest that night.

the feeling it was bittersweet, realizing i was in too deep…

As fate would have it, Beomgyu bumps into you at the very gates of the basketball stadium, the next evening. You look like a dream in your short skirt and varsity jacket.

He feels nauseous at the thought of discovering Soobin trailing behind you with a large drink with two straws, or something.

“Uh… these are your plans?” He says in a way of greeting.

Your eyes widen when you see him, but then you pout. “Yeah! Why didn’t you tell me you were gonna be here? We would’ve come together!”

He immediately thinks of his promise to Ryujin and shakes his head. “Ah, actually… Shin Ryujin invited me.”

Your mouth forms an O, a lost expression crossing your face. He’s never been great at reading people, but with the way his brain gets fuzzy around you, he’s doing an even worse job right now. Because he can absolutely not tell what this look on your face means.

Right then, the girl herself arrives, a wistful smile on her face. “Thought I told you to not bring a date? And she’s wearing Chaewon’s jersey, hmph.”

“Oh! We didn't—”

You cut him off with a chuckle that somehow sounds a little strained. “Ah, I’m actually here with her sister!”

Yunjin? He didn’t know you were friends with her… But that means no Soobin, right? Which might mean that no confession happened yesterday?

“Dude, Chaewon’s our Forward and our captain. No hard feelings!” Ryujin throws up a peace sign at you, and the two girls laugh.

After you leave to look for Yunjin, Ryujin stays back, smirking at him. But there’s a distinct look in her eyes that he can, for a change, recognize. Partly because the fuzz in his brain left along with you. And partly because he sees this look in the mirror everyday.

“I don’t even stand a chance, do I?” She doesn’t sound upset, just… regretful.

Taehyun’s words come back to him. “Ryu, I—”

“Nah, it’s fine. I knew what I was getting into, Choi.” She smiles, this time, pointing at the ‘17’ placard in his hands. “I’m gonna score a basket just for this, though. Cheer loudly, ’kay?”

she was a lesson – i had to learn, i had to learn, yeah…

Beomgyu had gone to the game only for Ryujin, not for you. He literally came here to escape movie night with you.

Yet, he sits in the stadium with his eyes straying from Ryujin’s great moves as Point Guard, reaching across the court, to land on you. It’s so annoying and makes him feel so helpless, he wants to scream. But there’s something magnetic about your presence that just won’t let him exist peacefully.

Is this how love is supposed to feel? Exhausting and painful at all times?

What adds to the exhaustion and pain is the way you are seated with your eyes bright and teeth on display, Yunjin on one side and…Soobin on the other.

Though he saw it coming, Beomgyu still finds it really hard to swallow the pain that pricks at his throat at the sight of you giggling into Soobin’s side and looking at the guy with eyes full of a million stars. He tries to seek comfort in the way Soobin seems to reciprocate your happiness, but it’s really hard.

He isn’t even jealous at this point, he’s just tired. If he could stop himself from feeling so much, all the damn time, he really, really would.

The crowd suddenly cheers, drawing his attention away from you – thankfully – and back to the court. And then his eyes widen in surprise. Ryujin stands with her hands braced on her hips, gaze directly directed at him. Well – she said she would score a basket for him and she did. She lifts a hand to point at him, causing a louder cheer to roar across the stadium, and Beomgyu cannot hold back the loud chuckle that escapes him. He raises both his hands up in a double thumbs-up.

Somewhere from three rows below, Heeseung shouts out an expletive at him, but the game has resumed again so everyone around the guy asks him to shut up.

Like clockwork, Beomgyu’s gaze slowly floats back up at the stands, slowly zeroing in towards your seat – only to stop short. You’re not in your seat. And neither is Soobin.

Oh.

Now again, Beomgyu should be prepared to face this as well. But he’s once again at a loss.

Unwittingly, his brain conjures up images of you and Soobin finding a secluded, dark corner to make out in. He envisions the brightness he just saw in both of your gazes, imagines the tinkling giggles you would release, pictures the darkening of your cheeks.

And in that moment, he can’t find it in himself to be happy for you. He can’t pretend to like Soobin.

He aches to be the one you would have snuck off with; to be the one you would want to share secret kisses with.

He aches.

And in that moment, he realizes his feelings have gone too far. They have caused him to stop being a true well-wisher to you; he is being selfish.

He needs to take a step back.

i used to try to forget her…

“Dude, the one thing I asked of you was to not hurt Ryujin. What the hell do you mean you’re taking her out?”

Beomgyu pinches the bridge of his nose, almost regretting disclosing his plans to his best friend. But he needed Taehyun to be on his side to make sure he doesn’t chicken out. Although given the tone the guy is using with him right now, Beomgyu’s purpose might be failing either way.

He puts his phone on loudspeaker, extracting a jacket from his closet to match the blue t-shirt he’s wearing.

“She was awarded MVP for yesterday’s game for the first time in this season. When I congratulated her on it, she called me her lucky charm—”

“Ugh, it’s as if she wants you to hurt her,” Taehyun murmurs and Beomgyu can hear the grimace in his voice through the phone.

“So I asked her if she wanted to celebrate the win with her lucky charm, and she said yes…”

Taehyun gives a sigh. “You literally flirted with her.”

“I did. Weren’t you the one telling me I should focus my feelings where they will be reciprocated?”

“Yes, you should. But do you even feel anything?”

“I do, yeah…” Immense sadness and despair with a brush of frustration. “I feel like I’m gonna have a good time with her.”

“Yeah, I don’t doubt that.” Taehyun gives another sigh. “Just be smart, okay? Don’t lead her on, Gyu.”

“I won’t, man.”

Settling on a black denim jacket that goes with his jeans and boots of the same color, Beomgyu leaves his dorm in the half a decade old Corvette his parents have permitted him to keep on campus. He’s meeting Ryujin at the cafe, which saves him from spending time in the car with her.

When he enters the cafe, though, Beomgyu begins to wonder if he has somehow offended some higher, superior power by some action of his, for which he is now being punished on the daily.

Because before he can even begin to look around for his date, a giggling Soobin catches his eye. He’s sitting facing the door, feeding spaghetti to his date.

His date.

You.

Your back is to him, but Beomgyu can still see how you’ve styled your hair in a way that is different than usual. You’ve always complained that your hair is too silky to be held up in an updo—a remark Beomgyu can never understand because he, personally, loves the texture of your hair—and so this complicated bun feels so strange on you.

And the off-shoulder dress instead of your beloved full-sleeves. And the dangling earrings instead of your usual studs. And—

Holy fuck, this isn’t you.

This isn’t you.

Beomgyu is fully frozen in his spot now, stunned and panicked at the same time.

Soobin is on a date – with someone else.

Should he be happy or concerned?

The sweat accumulating on his palms indicates the latter.

“Gyu!”

The call snaps his attention to a corner of the cafe, where Shin Ryujin sits with a grin on her face. Pushing his lips up, he waves at her. But his eyes involuntarily swim back to Soobin once more – only this time, both the taller boy and his date, Kim Chaewon, the basketball captain, are looking at Beomgyu with matching smiles.

He doesn’t know how to respond. Or react. His smile is frozen on his lips and his hand is still up in a wave, however, so the couple take that to be his greeting and go back to talking among themselves. And Beomgyu pushes himself to finally walk towards Ryujin’s table.

“I see you already spotted what I was dying to gossip about,” Ryujin grumbles with a scowl when he settles opposite her.

Beomgyu blinks. “Uh… Soobin?”

“Who?” This time Ryujin is the one to give a clueless blink. But then her eyebrows rise. “Oh, the boy. Yeah, in a way, I guess? But Chaewon, obviously. She’s finally on a date with her crush of a whole ass year.”

What? “O–oh?”

The waiter comes over to take their orders, right then. Beomgyu asks for a club sandwich and beer, while Ryujin chooses an extra cheese loaded pizza and a virgin mojito.

“You don’t want me drunk around you, loser.” She winks at him but her smile is forced enough to make guilt unfurl in Beomgyu’s chest. “Anyways! Chaewon! She’s finally winning at life and it’s all thanks to your girl.”

Beomgyu’s heart jumps up to his throat for multiple reasons.

His girl? You? Who else could it even be.

He drily swallows. “My…?”

“She was so hard at work during yesterday’s match! Fuck knows what magical words she said to both of them but they finally stopped their cat and mouse chase for good.” A fond look enters Ryujin’s gaze as she peeks past him to look at the couple. “It was sickening, watching Chaewon pine day in and out. Kinda like it is to watch you.”

Ryujin is laughing at her own joke, but Beomgyu’s mind is stuck on the information she just imparted. “Yesterday’s match?”

“Yeah. She arrived with Yunjin, remember? They both sat with Soobin and talked about Chaewon the entire time. Then she said something to Chae during break, and boom – this scardy ass dude was finally asking Chae out at the end of the match!”

Oh, fuck. This is why you were sitting with Soobin yesterday.

You were setting him up with Chaewon.

This is probably why you have been hanging out with the guy and generally interacting so much with him recently as well.

Wait, was this why you asked him that question about having feelings for a best friend? As far as his general university knowledge goes, Chaewon and Soobin have been best friends since before college.

Oh fuck, indeed.

Beomgyu really blew things out of proportion and let his overthinking mind carry him away.

“Speaking of – when do you plan to confess, Choi?”

Beomgyu scoffs at the question. “Never.”

Ryujin looks genuinely confused at the response. “What? Why?”

“She doesn’t feel the same, Ryu. And she’s my best friend. I can’t risk it.”

“How do you know she doesn’t feel the same?”

That’s – an odd question. One that Beomgyu feels like should be very obvious to answer, but when he opens his mouth to do just that, he has to shut it back again. Because ‘I just know’ is going to sound as stupid out loud as it does in his head.

But then what else does he have? He thought you had feelings for someone else but that was obviously not the case.

“I… I mean isn’t it obvious? She would’ve hinted at it… said anything at all if she felt anything…”

The moment Ryujin narrows her eyes and clicks her tongue, he knows he messed up. “Like you have? You’re sitting on your hands, too, dumbass. Does she even know that you don’t go on dates?”

“I’m on a date right now.”

“Keep talking like that and you’ll leave this date with a black eye.”

The waiter arrives with their food, and as Ryujin dives right in, Beomgyu takes a moment to actually think about what the girl has been saying.

You not having feelings for someone else doesn’t automatically imply that you’ve suddenly stopped viewing Beomgyu platonically. Which is why he doesn’t want to suddenly drop his plans of moving on and go back to pining over you.

He wishes for this to be a smooth transition – getting rid of his romantic feelings for you while also staying friends. But if he pays mind to what Ryujin just said, he will block this way for himself.

Because the moment he confesses, it will be a one-way street. You’ll never talk to him again and he’ll be too embarrassed to even show you his face.

Now, of course, he isn’t even considering what could happen if you actually ended up reciprocating – because he’s done enough of that for years now and he’s honestly… tired.

Loving you, as he has concluded time again, is painful and exhausting. He just wants to be happy again.

“How about you stop giving me love advice and start looking for someone new to crush on?” Beomgyu raises an eyebrow at Ryujin, who picks up an olive from her pizza to throw at his face with a scowl.

But then when she dissolves into giggles, sprinkling her happiness and beauty all over him, Beomgyu has to pause to wonder if she doesn’t actually need to look for someone new to crush on.

He offers to drop her off at the end of the date and Ryujin thanks him for the treat. His hands feel a little clammy when she grins at him with a tilt of her head, short hair flying up with the wind.

“Will… will I see you again?”

“Uh, yeah? You see me everyday, dumbass.” Ryujin gives a chuckle but it doesn’t sound natural.

“No, I mean – like this. On a date.”

Her shoulders deflate and her smile leaves her face. Pursing her lips, she looks at him in what could only be defined as disappointment. “This wasn’t a date, Beomgyu. And I won’t be your rebound.”

He’s not asking her to be – except, maybe he is. He doesn’t know anymore.

She seems to know more than him because she gives him another one of those wry smiles of hers and pats his shoulder. “Tell her how you feel and get out of this stupid limbo. I can be your shoulder to cry on, but not a heart to play with. Good night, loser.”

He truly feels like a loser when she walks away from his car.

but now i smile when i remember.

Beomgyu has heard people talk a great deal about ‘right person, wrong time’ or ‘wrong person, right time’, but he has never felt the gravity of it the way he does now.

You’re sitting on the bleachers with Lee Heeseung and giggling your heart away like he’s the funniest man alive. Heeseung, to his credit, is looking at you with a sparkle in his eyes that rivals the entire galaxy.

And as Beomgyu watches the scene from next to the water dispenser in a discrete corner, the bottom of his stomach feels strangely calm.

It’s been a week since he had that confrontation with Ryujin. He didn’t exactly take her advice and run to confess to you, but he certainly did drop hints. And he certainly did observe your reactions.

At the end, he ruefully finds himself exactly where he always has been – watching you offer your affections to someone else from afar.

“How long has he been keeping this in?” he asks around a scoff when Heeseung shows you some magic trick and gloats in your excited clapping.

Taehyun hums as he screws the lid of the water dispenser tight and dusts his hands off to come stand next to Beomgyu. “Fuck knows. I think he’s always smiled a little too brightly at her whenever—oh my God, did you see that? Butterfingers! I could see that card from here. Making a joke out of the best card trick in the books!”

Beomgyu laughs at his friend’s grumbles. Then he gives a sigh. “She looks happy, doesn’t she?”

“Yeah, she does. But I don’t really think she’s on the same page as Lee. Or even you for that matter.” Taehyun settles on the ground and Beomgyu follows his lead. “She’s enjoying her college days like a normal uni student. And maybe you should too, Gyu. Enough of this pining, enough of being in love. Don’t you want to get drunk off your ass and makeout with some ditzy freshman at a party?”

Beomgyu’s horror must show on his face because Taehyun snorts when their eyes meet.

“Okay, maybe not all of it. But… we’re young, buddy. You’ll have plenty of time to fall in love. Hopefully this time with someone who loves you more?”

Beomgyu watches the way you lean closer to Heesung to whisper something in his ear, and as the guy’s cheeks grow red in response, he frowns to himself.

“What about all those times when she seemed jealous? Or upset I wasn’t paying attention to her?”

“Dude, for real?” Taehyun punches his shoulder. “You get like that too when I’m not available at your every beck and call.”

Beomgyu slowly exhales, leaning back on his palms and tilting his head up to let the sunlight wash over his face.

He really is stepping out of his delusions, this time.

You don't like him like that. You don't have feelings for him.

You and him are going to remain just friends.

He's finally ready to face the fact and move forward.

“Yo, loser! Wanna play catch?”

He’s smiling even before he has opened his eyes. Taehyun clears his throat in an exaggerated way with his eyebrows raised. “Never seen you grin that brightly in a while, my man…”

He looks around towards the source of the voice, his grin turning into laughter at the evil gleam in Ryujin’s eyes as she hurtles the basketball towards him.

Somehow managing to catch it with an enraged gasp, Beomgyu wastes no time in chasing the girl with it.

Somewhere in his peripheral vision, he notices the way you have cuddled up with Heesung and how the two of you are laughing at his antics with Ryujin.

When he briefly meets your eye, you give him a thumbs up with your grin.

And for the first time in years, he is able to smile back at you without an ounce of pain in his heart.

and i was so young till she kissed me like a whiskey… like a whiskey.

FIN.

#txt #txt x you #txt x reader #txt angst #beomgyu #choi beomgyu #beomgyu fic #beomgyu fanfic #choi beomgyu x reader #beongyu x you #beomgyu x reader #txt imagines #beomgyu imagines #txt fluff #beomgyu fluff #txt fanfic #txt scenarios #beomgyu scenarios #tomorrow x together

101 notes · View notes

am-i-the-asshole-official · 7 months

Note

was i the asshole for sending a message?

the message is down below, the premise is a bit long as i wanted to explain what led to it

riley (fake name) was my childhood friend, we grew up together. by high school we ended up being each other's only friend.

riley and i weren't very good friends to each other. we were both mean as hell, often making jabs at each other and being judgy and in general putting the other down. same with other people. riley had jealousy issues and i had anger issues. basically you can guess why we didn't have other friends

this happened a few years ago when we were 16-17. one summer riley started ghosting me out of the blue. i thought something bad had happened but they eventually replied saying they were feeling down and not in the mood to be online. i told them they could talk to me whenever, they told me they would at some point, and we left it at that.

i also DMed them on twitter but they didn't seem thrilled, so i offered them to block me and minded my own business since. aside from that i'd only contact them to send memes. it was very obvious they were ignoring me as they were online everywhere else, but i figured they didn't feel like talking to me.

and they never replied. when we went back to school after summer break they just wouldn't talk to me. i was confused but i didn't want to cause a scene so i texted them and they promised to give me an explanation.

they didn't. instead they blocked me everywhere and still refused to talk to me. i still didn't want to confront them in school as to not cause a scene. i was really frustrated by their avoidance and a month (?) later i went off at them in their twitter DMs:

honestly i don't even know what to say about the way you're acting. how you don't even have the balls to tell me what's your fucking problem.

i won't even comment on the fact you changed my contact name and felt the need to tweet about it, or on you calling me "ex bff", or on the fact you blocked me randomly. because i never expected such immaturity, i never expected this treatment, and i don't know what to fucking think of you anymore.

know that i still want an explanation, and if you continue to ignore me we can talk about it in school. i don't give a fuck if there's people around. you're my best friend and i refuse to leave without an explanation.

(it's translated from another language. sorry if it's worded awkwardly but i tried to keep it close to the original)

it got me an explanation a few days later. some of it was true and some of it wasn't, but in the end i thought they were justified in wanting to cut me off so i never contacted them again (they had asked me not to bring it up around them or the teachers and to leave them alone)

i couldn't understand why they didn't just tell me as all i had been doing was beg for an explanation but i realized that i was aggressive with that message and i must have scared them. in the moment my anger felt justified but it made me wonder if it was my bad for getting so worked up and not letting them take their time. i still think about it and i wanted to hear someone else's opinion.

AITA for sending that message?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

69 notes · View notes

controversial-blorbo-bracket · 5 months

Text

Controversial Character Tournament Round 2: Alois Trancy from Black Butler vs Eichi Tenshouin from Ensemble Stars

(remember that these characters are fictional and your fellow tumblr users are real. i will block you if you harass others in the notes, please consider sending your unhinged harassment to my inbox instead)

Propaganda under the cut, may contain spoilers:

Alois Trancy:

LOVE:

- "everyone wants this guy dead. he is the villain of his narrative for the simple hubris of wanting to live and be loved after surviving traumatic events one after another for his whole childhood, and in the end the narrative kills him for it. being an anime-only character, many fans dislike his character as well, seeing him as unnecessary or controversial/contradictory to the well-established lore of the main storyline. he's gotten rejected from other poll tournaments, even, for his backstory containing a Lot of controversial and dark material (so yeah heads up for that). i personally care very deeply about his character, because someone i am very close with in my real life relates a lot to him, and has experienced similar traumatic events. in the end, he just wants to be loved, but he is bound to the hatred of his fellow characters, of the writers and his universe itself, of the fans of his series, of... everyone but a select few people clinging to him. which is to say, he is broadly hated, but i think the balance of the few that truly and deeply want to break him out of that fate and love him with the fervor of a thousand suns.... i think that makes him a great candidate for this competition."

Eichi Tenshouin:

LOVE:

- "Eichi is so silly… he started an entire war for his crush… then “killed” said crush in public (it was a metaphorical killing). He’s responsible for ruining the lives/mental health of SEVERAL if not dozen of people. He doesn’t know about the concept of “love.” In all honestly, I just see him as a very naive person with too much money to spend (he’s extremely rich if I didn’t mention it). People either love him or hate him, though I feel like the fandom has been coming around to him lately, especially in the past few years, so he may not win the poll, but the discourse around him has left such a strong impression on me that I HAD to submit him. Personally, I love him he’s one of my favorite characters; I have a plushie of him :)"

- "Okay first of all I don't love or hate him I'm actually pretty neutral about him BUT I will defend him til the day I die because people who hate him hate him for like. the wrong reasons. Okay he started an idol war like he was 16 and wanted to change the idol system at Yumenosaki and none of the teachers did anything to like. actually turn these kids into idols and Eichi took things into his own hands. This guy is a rich chronically ill nepo baby and gay as hell which is incredibly important to the whole narrative and I still stand by the fact that like. if the adults at the school had done their job this wouldn't have happened and Eichi has shown a lot of growth and self reflection in the time since then (even though he is......essentially creating an idol factory to mass produce popular idols. anyway) and he regrets a lot of his actions during the war but also. objectively at least for one of the characters, if someone didnt do something about what was going on in that unit it would have ended incredibly badly (Shu Itsuki and Ex-Valkyrie which is another long story I am not going to get into but you can read Marionette if you want to know more about it and even as a Shu Producer I think it was necessary for his own character arc and development, as well as Nazuna and Mika's arcs. Anyway this isn't about them this is about Eichi) he's very complicated and I think people who hate him just because of the war are missing whole pieces of his character, yknow? He was just a kid with ideals and a lot of money and drive to create change and nobody was around to guide him in the right direction. I still don't understand how the teachers at this school have jobs if they just allowed four kids to get metaphorically executed on stage though."

- "i love him very much he’s kind of a bitch though so like i think he’s divisive enough to win it"

- ""how controversial can this idol gacha game boy possibly be" I have seen people unironically censor his name it's so funny. his haters are so. they hate any complex morally grey character and none of them can be normal about it. the amount of people I've seen making jokes about his terminal illness and how they can't wait until he dies is something else, and I've seen soooo many people unironically call him irredeemable and evil and that enstars would be better if he wasn't in it (as if eichi isn't the single most important character in enstars' plot like. literally most of the cast would never have met and bonded if it wasn't for him) and etc etc. his fans are also kind of rabid and hardcore but I respect that. he gives me brainworms too. I think the controversy might maaaaybe be largely only the western side of the fanbase...? bc his merch is still some of the most expensive in the entire series lol. an expensive boy few can afford... literally the character of all time. please appreciate him in this cat hoodie: https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/ensemble-stars/images/5/5d/Eichi_Tenshouin_Namja_Town.png/revision/latest?cb=20200109223739"

- "He is my special little guy my blorbo my funny little war criminal however he very much did commit a lot of crimes and people rightfully do not like him for it. However. To me, personally, he is my poor sick little meow meow. He is so fucked up and I love him for it. Men who were born all alone in a wet cardboard box am I right ?"

#poll #round 2 #alois trancy #eichi tenshouin #ensemble stars #black butler #1 submission #5 submissions

52 notes · View notes

beethovenus · 6 months

Text

This is an old post and something that I'm keeping up for archival purposes, but is also something I've since apologized for. Please disregard everything below.

I'm not making this post to defend anybody, nor is this intended to be a "callout" -- just to clarify things I've said and done against people that have been harassing me, and using overblown claims against me to smear a passion project I've led that many others have contributed to.

Do NOT attack anybody involved.

I'm including a basic timeline of events prior to the original post for better clarification -- it deeply hurts me to be called a groomer/predator defender just because I acted poorly over something, and I feel there's a lot of context that's important to know as opposed to a moment's glance.

Krysys and many others I knew at the time as minors (including me) were allowed and encouraged to be in a server called Sexyshift Major, thanks to incredibly irresponsible adults who unknowingly normalized a lot of shit to people.

Krysys went on to talk with other minors around his age (16) about sexual stuff, and things he was normalized to, and draws porn.

He stops doing this before becoming an adult.

After becoming an adult, he goes to people who were younger than him at the time and apologizes to them in private for unknowingly normalizing things to them -- as he was made to thought it was normal for him to talk sexually online by adults.

Everyone accepts his apology except Salh, who wanted him to apologize for "knowingly grooming" her, and acts like he did it consciously.

He refuses to apologize for this, because he did not do it.

She goes public, accusing him of being a predator, and greatly exaggerating his age / outright lying (initially stating that "he was an adult drawing porn for minors.") She claims he was at least 18, and she was 13-14.

I catch wind of this because a project's server I'm in blew up with it, with someone pressuring the project owner (who has no relation to Krysys) to spread it and block him.

I quickly look into everything to learn more, talk to people who knew about this privately, and learn that Krysys was never an adult nor drew porn for minors as an adult. There was a situation in the past where Salh accused someone she abused (both minors) of grooming her, and ostracized her from her own friend group.

I also have personal history with Salh and her friends, because I defended Salh's abuse victim at the time, and as a result made enemies with people (including former friends) who immediately believed Salh without talking to her victim.

I become very upset, especially as someone who has been groomed (at 16 by a 27-28 year old), has many people close to me who were groomed, and was directly there for the events of the Sexyshift Major server.

I end up responding very aggressively, including to accounts who I and others perceived as being Salh's alts (since she allegedly had a history of hiding behind alts, but I cannot corroborate this without asking someone for me, and nobody feels comfortable talking about it.)

My intention was to point out the fact Krysys was never an adult, and that Salh was greatly exaggerating his age to get revenge for him refusing to apologize for something he didn't do. Because I reacted so poorly, this was easily misconstrued as something else.

Salh changes her story multiple times subsequently, stating "Krysys started as a minor then continued as an adult," and then "she never claimed he was an adult, and he was a minor (17) the whole time."

Salh and her friends begun calling me out as much as possible, with her friend Kimmi (who called me a predator and told me to kill myself) deciding to go after the team fangame project I lead, and get people to boycott the work of everyone who contributed.

I decide to make an apology post for the things that I did wrong with this interaction (because I am NOT blame-free), while also just giving context to why I acted the way I did -- not as an excuse.

Salh and her friends completely twist my post apart, creating a narrative that I'm a liar who makes everything up, just because there's a lot I was unable to substantiate -- because it hinges on people who do not feel comfortable talking about it publicly, and I refuse to violate their trust.

I received an onslaught of harassment afterwards, meanwhile Salh acted as if "she was going up against people so much bigger than her" and she "had less of a voice" as I received death threats, was told as a grooming victim that I defended a predator, and even called a predator by people who completely misunderstood what was being said.

I know that I didn't react properly at all and it was a terrible look for me, but I did not defend a predator nor a groomer.

Recently, a user named Salh posted allegations that somebody named Krysys had knowingly and maliciously groomed her and others when they were minors, and he was an adult.

I took issue with this, because Krysys was NOT an adult when this happened -- he was a minor.

First and foremost: Krysys is not an innocent person. He is not my friend, either.

I know for a fact that he's really personally hurt a lot of people -- including people that I care a lot about -- and contrary to what others have claimed, I'm well aware of the kinds of things that he's done.

As minors, Krysys and others (including me) were allowed to interact with NSFW environments surrounding the AU Hell Discord due to a lack of proper age verification -- the most noteworthy being the "Sexyshift Major" Discord server. This server was managed by desensitized young adults who were victims of grooming as minors, and older teenagers that sought access to NSFW content, which perpetuated a cycle of desensitization by unknowingly normalizing minors to various kinds of NSFW content -- including "extreme kinks" and "consensual non-consensual." Although the current moderation team of AU Hell ultimately did make necessary changes to protect people, and Sexyshift Major was deleted, it came after substantial damage had been done.

From this, Krysys continued this cycle of desensitization as a minor, and normalized other minors within his age range -- having had his perception warped by adults facilitating unhealthy environments.

THIS IS NOT AN EXCUSE. Whether or not Krysys intended to hurt anyone, he still did. Salh and anyone else hurt by Krysys have every right to speak up on what he did to them -- but to make false statements, whether knowingly or not, to substantiate accusations of deliberate grooming is NOT okay.

It is entirely reasonable for one to say "he normalized us to disgusting content as a minor" without exaggerating what happened to make the assertion of an active, adult predator.

When it came to the way I responded to these allegations, I first spoke to people who were close to this situation, or had experience with either Krysys or Salh, and conferred with them regarding the authenticity of the claims made before saying anything.

I am not making these claims to be taken at face value, but to give context as to what I've been told about her and experienced. The only way I have to substantiate any of these claims is through victims of hers, and each of them have been scared into staying quiet under the threat of continued harassment. I will not disrespect the wishes of these people and out them just to protect myself, because that is not fair to them. This is also NOT intended to discredit an individual's experiences, or say that "Salh is lying about everything," because she is not. She has every right to speak on what Krysys did to her and others, but not to such an extreme.

Salh has had a reputation among individuals I know of allegedly doing the following:

Making false groomer accusations, misleading statements, and blowing things out of proportion -- whether out of a sense of justice, for attention (she has admitted to this), or in other cases just trying to silence someone she did wrong to.

Using alt accounts and pretending to be other people.

Lying to people close to her, whether knowingly or pathologically, to avoid admitting wrongdoing in situations she was responsible for harming someone.

Waging harassment campaigns against people, stalking them under multiple accounts, and attempting to dox individuals.

Whether or not anyone chooses to believe what I'm saying here ultimately does not matter -- I am not looking to prove anything, but to explain my side and what I have experienced. I refuse to allow her friends to gaslight me about this, as they have in the past, just because her victims refuse to speak out. I do NOT "make up" anything, and anything I have said is ONLY after specifically speaking with people close to situations involved.

If anybody has experienced this behavior, I implore you to speak out when you're comfortable, because with enough solidarity individuals cannot all be harassed.

This is not the first time that I have engaged with a situation perpetuated by Salh, and many of her friends that hate me due to how we've clashed have been especially vocal when it comes to smearing me as a groomer defender/apologist. Out of respect for individuals involved, I will not name specific past situations as to not put words in their mouths, or tell their stories for them.

While responding, I let my sense of justice get the better of me and acted vitriolic towards individuals who I presumed to be alt accounts of Salh's -- I am not going to excuse this behavior, and I am genuinely sorry to anyone who I accused of that. I will not delete the posts that I made, because it would be cowardly to do so, as if I am attempting to hide from mistakes I made.

At the time, it seemed reasonable to assume these were alt accounts when I began receiving notifications and messages from multiple accounts, at the same time, and with nearly the same wording as one another. One account I blocked outright called me a predator for pushing back against false statements made, and is another behavior which led me to believe this was Salh.

I only made this accusation after speaking with those who have experienced this type of harassment before from her, and agreed with it. I wasn't willing to give the benefit of the doubt to someone that was already lying about someone's age to substantiate an accusation.

Ever since I became an adult 6 years ago, I've been dealing with the fallout of what happened with Sexyshift Major -- what happened with other minors like me who were exposed to really inappropriate content, groomed, or normalized to worse material. Without sounding too cliche or self-righteous, I've made it a personal mission to do whatever I can to help those affected by this situation, and to give a voice to those who need it -- coming to people's defense when they've been victim to someone genuinely harmful and predatory, or defending someone against unfair accusations by malicious individuals.

I've been trying for years to help keep people safe and make sure that I can do whatever I can to prevent what happened to me, and WORSE to others, from happening again wherever possible. In this process, I've also made enemies with people from times I've come off too strongly or engaged in a way I shouldn't have, including individuals I was formerly friends with.

It's because of this that the accusation I'm "defending a groomer" -- or in some cases, what's actually happened was so completely lost down the line that some are convinced that I groomed somebody -- is so genuinely and viscerally horrifying to me. As somebody who was groomed, has many people close to me who were groomed, and puts myself before others attempting to keep minors safe from predators, an accusation like this feels beyond insulting.

What's particularly distressing to me is that people have been:

Using this accusation to smear TS!Underswap, attacking a passion project that many have committed themselves to working on and have no relation to this situation.

Continuously harassing individuals that I know just for associating with me.

Comparing me to the likes of Camila Cuevas, somebody who knowingly facilitated environments where minors were groomed by predators.

I will not speak for others on what kind of harassment they've received -- that's for them to come forward about, not me. But while I understand that some are upset by the perception I've defended or excused someone who hurt their friend dearly, there's no accountability in saying things like "Beeth would rather take his own life than listen to the several csa victims coming at him with evidence."

I've received harassment before, but it's unacceptable to me for people to harass others I know or care about simply for being associated with me. I don't care what people say about me, because I know it isn't true -- but there is no accountability in smearing others, only bloodlust and revenge. I feel that more time has been spent by individuals with a personal vendetta specifically on labeling me as a groomer defender, as opposed to bringing to light how Krysys has harmed individuals.

I'm sorry to those I wrongfully accused of being alt accounts, regardless of my intentions -- and I'm sorry to any victims I made feel unheard, or not believed. That was never my intention, and I will not stand for such severe mischaracterizations of myself and others to go unchallenged.

I am also sorry to friends of Salh. I know how it feels to be angry that someone is hurting someone you care about, and I've said things blinded by anger that I'm not proud of. I understand that some will not give anything I say the benefit of the doubt, and that's fine.

I am sorry to Salh for making you feel unheard, or not believed. I believe you went through pain that you did not deserve, and that it was unfair for Krysys to have done this to you. Whether or not you meant to say something untrue does not mean you are lying about the pain you've experienced, and how significantly it's impacted you and others.

I am fully aware that posting a statement like this will only serve to put a target on my back, and give more fuel for individuals to harass myself and others with -- but it's better than being cowardly by "staying quiet and waiting for things to blow over," because at least I tried to stand up for myself, for others with no association to this situation, and for what I believe is right.

Thank you for reading this, if you genuinely have.

#tw grooming #tw csa #beeth says

19 notes · View notes

roxannedaybreakermidnight · 8 months

Text

Tackling a few of my most recent experiences wiwth the internet. Don't read if harassment and racism trigger you. I don't mean harm, this is supposed to be a safe space. Comments I deem negative will be deleted so that others feel comfortable just going around and say whatever.

1. Shipping

I completely understand people's worries with Punkflower but guys, instead of worrying about non confirmed ages, can we worry about kicking out actually problematic people off the internet doing stuff to real life minors? Miles was 14 when I was 14. He is now 15 and I am 18, I still love Miles the same way, ans that doesn't compromise my morals.

A person's ship between characters doesn't say about their morals entirely. Of course, sometimes it's undeniably creepy, like characters clearly presented as parental figures being shipped with kids that were supposed to look up at them. That's weird, don't do that. Or, idk, thinking it's a good idea to jerk your dog off. (I saw documentaries, those who do too knkw what I am talking about)

Point is, pls don't harass people who don't mean actual harm. Hobie's uncomfirmed age range shouldn't cause as much hate as it does. I disagree with nsfw from time to time because it is weird, but I mostly see couple-y stuff with a few jokes, and honestly? I absolutely adore it. I encourage you to try it. I used to absolutely hatee on people who ship any characters slightly older with whatever character the topic is. I would literally try to gate keep the whole fanart community cause "She's a minor, STOP!" and honestly it was stupid asf. I'm not telling you to encourage it, just don't be mean about it. It feels stupid. If you don't disagree, and the post isn't causing harm, just don't engage.

2. Shameless racism/harassment

Recently I've faced people both in and out of omegle who seem particularly shameless, feeling safe around their little homes thinking ol' mean me won't mind. I am using this opportunity to expose a particular someone who seems very keen on being weird. I grew up around weird guys, and I often identify them easily, but for some reason I pushed the lil gut feeling away. If you have the same problem, pls listen to that feeling. It's there to avoid situations that might be upsetting.

Starting with Omegle, people seem very comfortable with racism (and search of minors to flash them). I receive jokes indicating they want me to be shot, find me ugly, make faces of disgust, call me a slave, etc etc. Not to mention I even found teenagers joking about beastiality being 'awesome'. Kids rlly need to get supervised, cause I am telling y'all, some were barely 14.

Now, I had an interesting interaction on instagram with a Miles Morales account. He came to me cause I was rping as Peter and invited me in his server on discord. I got the gut feeling from his habit of trying to flirt with Gwen profiles and spamming pictures of him in a suit. For some reason, some people have a pattern of spamming pictures when they want praise and always require attention from specific people, and I know this cause I've been harassed over this before. Days later, I was matching with my bff as an anime couple so I changed and he realized I'm born female. He asked me to be rio instead, without knowing my age, and went ahead and offered 'fun', and that 'I can't tell anyone'. What happened essentially is that I called him out, he said I was disrespecting him, I blocked him, so he made a new account to cuss me out and threaten to report me. I feel indifferent about it, but if you have anyone with similar behavior, save yourself the trouble and block them. (His discord is 'dmoney520' so avoid interacting w him pls)

3. Sexualizing a content creator

I don't mean Dream, or corpse husband, or whoever tf. I am talking about a poor 16(ish) year old called Eddie who makes content for the fact he sounds like Hobie brown, and he has people saying shit like "wanna get pregnant?" The guy just started worrying about whatever the place he lives in worries around this time.

It's honestly creepy how people will actively harass punkflower creators but then barely notice a full ass guy who is still deemed a minor regardless of what American law says getting weirdass comments from people they don't even know. Literally flabbergasted at this discovery. Not mad, just genuinely upset.

These people often forget that websites can track their activity and its hilarious to me, so whatever. This was my report on my feelings after a week of internet, and honestly? I wanna delete it. My punkflower AU happy ending is coming so if that's what you wanted, great!

#hobie brown #spider punk #miles morales #spiderman #spiderman across the spiderverse #punkflower #news #content creator

41 notes · View notes

tnt-zone · 2 months

Text

Welcome to Our Blog!

This blog is run by two alters, Taylor Swift (not that one ;)) ) and Scary Marlowe, with occasional appearances of others that may be familiar. Here is our comfort zone, where we collect things that make us laugh, remind us of our friends, or generally things we like about our source.

This might end up being updated later but it's a good first draft!

Intros and DNIs under the cut

Intros

HEY! I'm Taylor Swift! I'm the one mostly running this blog, usually just reblogging stuff I find funny or whatever! If there's any fictives out there that want to reach out don't be shy! I love to chat with anyone! We aren't gonna list off who all is here from source but me and Scary would be happy to see anyone really. My sign off is 🤺 but more than likely it'll be something like "Taylor posts" but I'm gonna work on that 😅 ANYWAYS enjoy and yeah nice to meet ya!

Taylor Swift Facts

16 years old

Confirmed to have Demon DNA by the FBI

I am awesome and cool

On the FBI top 10 wanted list

Certified cat-boy 😌 (TikTok couldn't handle my power)

I don't really know my role in the system yet but I'm being told it's somewhere between mood booster, pain regulator, and social alter so you make up your mind what that means about me!

I really love talking about source memories, they aren't all the same as "cannon event" but if anyone wants to here some wild shit hit me up

I have a really cool scare dog (not that I need one but her name is Scary and I love her (off to bed with you -⛈️)

I'm Scary Marlowe, seeker of darkness and blah blah all that stuff you know the drill. I'm gonna cut to the chase before all you haters and say I know I'm not my source. I'm something fucking better, I'm myself. Now that that's out of the way, hey! I have a lot of source memories so that's why I'm here, plus Taylor really likes it here and always wants to show me stuff so. Anyway my sign off is ⛈️

Scary Facts

14 years old

Still into poetry and writing

Resident bad girl

Potato hater (yes that carried over)

I'm actually nice but like I'm mean about it sometimes

Here's where the real fun begins

DNI

Haters, if you don't like it here then leave

Pro-endo, sys-course. That's not what this blog is about thank you.

Pro-shippers.

Maps, Pedos, whatever they're using nowadays 🙄

Roleplay accounts, I'm sorry it just scares us a little to see someone acting like us or someone we know and we know it's not them. A lot of you do a great job, we might end up changing this rule later on if we feel more comfortable but for now respect our space.

If you're here just to hate on an alter, turn yourself around and block us. Don't waste your time.

We don't hate on dads here (except Willy) so don't bring that energy please.

We are bodily an adult so you actual minors out there don't be weird. We love to chat but we do have firm boundaries that will be in place for not only our protection, but for your own as well. Choose internet safety children 🫡

Anyways have a lovely time and enjoy our little slice of haven in this crazy world!

9 notes · View notes

cuspidgoddess · 2 months

Note

😇 about Usagi? 🤗

After further discussion Chronic asked about what led to Usagi taking Keigo up on his offer to join the PLF. So I give you a short blurb (674 words).

The First Virtue

Content warning: nongraphic mention of sexual assault, quirk discrimination, de-humanization and sexualization. Viewer discretion advised.

Being a hare is hard. Being prey isn’t even the hard part, he’s used to that. What he isn’t used to is the attention he’s started receiving since he turned 16. By the time he's 18 hands constantly trying to grab his tail, people trying to touch his ears have become his normal. A polite step away and a "please stop" usually earn an irritable scoff but the hands will fall away.

Rabbits- bunnies- hares- they're all the same to the world around him- have been a sex symbol for so long that people have stopped seeing him as a person. As soon as he started running for fun- for training the last of his baby fat fell away making way for toned calves, muscled thighs and a round ass- he became just another dumb bunny. They’re pests, and it shows when they try to poison produce at farmers markets, when he passes the prostitutes that look so much like him, when men leer at him from darkened alley’s.

Laying in the gutter, staring at the filthy bricks in front of him he can’t help but wonder dully how he got here. How can I be Usagi, the red light rabbit, the vigilante with the most sexual assault saves and serial rapist arrests and still become a statistic. I didn’t even scream… I didn’t fight- I just froze. How could I have frozen like that? His eyes burn almost as bad as the scrapes on his palms and knees. His cheek feels bruised from where his face was shoved against the cement and there’s an ache at the base of his spine that he will never ever forget the feeling of, a burning shooting pain that radiates through his tail and makes his eyes burn worse, but he can’t move, he’s still frozen, heart beating way too fast. His heart is going to give out, he’s going to die alone in the gutter, just like so many others, too frightened by the terrible world they’ve been born into, too afraid to live. He tries to keep his sobs quiet, terrified of being found so vulnerable. It doesn’t matter that he’s been used, that he’s dirty and bleeding, he’s seen enough of the evils of life to know that to some those things don’t matter.

It takes every bit of strength he has to crawl out of site, to wedge himself beneath the nearest stinking dumpster, out of sight, out of danger, his instincts promise. Hinata wishes he was a rabbit, wishes more than anything that he had a fluffle to go home to. The thing about hares is they aren’t rabbits. Rabbits are social creatures that live in groups. Hares are not, and leverets don’t get to stick around once they reach maturity. He’s been on his own since he was 17, hasn’t been able to hold a job because when management or the owner finds out he’s uncooperative they turn him loose. He lost his apartment last week and now more than ever he wishes there was someone that would notice he hadn’t made it home.

He closes his eyes trying to block out the horrible, angry scent that clings to his skin, tries to conjure up anything else to think about then how fast his heart is beating, how all he can smell is blood and cum and around hear how life around him keeps moving as if his whole world hasn’t shattered around him.

His mind brings him to red wings. Red wings and a lop sided, sharp toothed smile and the most faultless predatory eyes he had ever seen.

“If you change your mind, need a place to go, or you need help,” Keigo sends one of his smallest feathers to the hare. “Talk to the feather... I know it’s hard being a mutant in this world, my old image didn’t really support that fact, but we have to stick together. There aren’t nearly enough mutant heroes out there, and we all need a flock... or a colony. Give me a whisper if you want to fight for change.”

With a shaky hand he pats at his pocket and promises himself he’ll find a place where he belongs.

#Hi Chronic!#cuspids ask game #the virtues #the flock of villain #Usagi the red light rabbit #He's technically a hare #but he didn't make the nickname #He's a vigilante for a reason #Usagi whump

8 notes · View notes

jhilsara · 1 month

Text

I Can See You

Pt. 1/ Pt. 2/ Pt. 3/ Pt. 4/ Pt. 5/pt. 6/Pt. 7/Pt. 8/Pt. 9/ Pt. 10/

Pt. 11/ Pt.12/Pt.13/Pt. 14/Pt.15/Pt.16/Pt.17/END

Mariana Jimenez-Watson or MJ works in a normal pub living life paycheck to paycheck. Nothing exciting happens to her except the occasional drunk getting thrown out. She's 24 working away and finds a wrench thrown into her very boring life. His name is Hobie and she thinks maybe, a little excitement isn't awful. In fact she might start to crave some change for once.

Small moments of Hobie meeting his world's MJ. AKA I made an MJ variant and I think she's neat.

Chapter 16

Mariana usually never gets off earlier than closing time. Today was one of those rare days that she got to leave around midnight instead of the early hours of three in the morning, or worse four.

She waves goodbye to Andy and the new girl who’s taking over her last few hours. Andy’s training her so they aren’t under staffed.

She leaves out the back and is ready to head home, maybe have a few hours of peaceful time to read or even catch up on a show or two.

She walks off down the street alone, it’s one of those nights that Hobie’s out patrolling and he can’t walk her home. Which wouldn’t bother her normally. Except about two blocks into her walk she feels like she’s being watched.

She stops and looks around, and the streets not dead, but the people walking are all tipsy walking to their next destination. No ones prying eyes are on her. She looks up, but still nothing. No one’s creeping on her looking out their flats windows, or at least that she can see.

She bites her lip and tries to push the sinking feeling away. She starts to walk once more. She makes it another block before the dreadful feeling consumes her. She doesn’t stop to look this time. She deviates her route. She isn’t walking home, not like this.

Not when she’s being followed. Part of her wonders if it’s that one patron from the bar, but he was arrested.

She shudders at the memory. She tries to not run, or quicken her pace. She knows one of the clubs down this road so she’ll just go there at least until they close. She sees the line to get in and she goes and waits. Her friend Sam works as the bouncer here and she greats her happily.

Sam’s like most bouncers, broad as a barrel and built to handle unruly crowds. She’s standing her post, arms crossed, looking intimidating without even trying. She’s more than glad Sam’s working tonight.

“I didn’t know you were swingin’ by tonight!” she says with a wide smile.

She returns it, but talks to Sam through her teeth, “I think someone’s following me...” She says in a tight voice.

Sam nods and rubs MJ’s back reassuringly. “Got it, go in and find Karla, she’ll get you situated.” She tells her.

She nods her head and dips inside, quickly walking over to the bar that Karla’s at. She’s shaking a bit and she’s never been happier that she’s close to the other bar workers in the area.

“Hey Karla,” she says leaning onto the bar.

Karla whips her head around and the smaller women looks more than happy. She smiles bouncing over to the end that MJ is standing at. She greets her happily.

“What are you doing here? Thought you were working tonight.” She asks her with a curious look.

MJ sighs and gives her the same story she told Sam at the front. She’s wringing her hands together nervously because the last thing she wants is to have another stalker.

Karla nods and tells her other bartender that she’s going on her fifteen. She pulls MJ to the back, which is much quitter from the booming music of the dance club.

“Do you have anyone you can call?” She asks MJ with concern.

She nods, she knows she’s calling Hobie. There’s no question there.

“Yeah, I got someone. I’m gonna call him and hopefully he picks up.” She tells her.

Karla nods and crosses her arms, “If he doesn’t me and Sam can take you home, or you can crash at our place. I don’t want you alone…not if you think you’re being followed.” Karla says nervously.

“I mean, especially after that other stalker almost attacked you… I don’t want another situation like that.” She tells her friend looking at her with worry.

MJ feels fear grip her heart at the memory, but she shakes it off. “Promise I’ll let you know. I’ll be fine though Hobie always answers when I call.” She reassures her friend.

Karla raises a brow, “Hobie? Is he the one you’ve been mucking about with all the time these past few months?” she says a little accusing, but MJ knows she’s being curious not mean.

She feels her own face burn a little and she nods. “Yea, we just, we get each other.” She shrugs trying to be indifferent.

Karla doesn’t buy it, rolling her eyes, “So he’s your boyfriend yea?”

“No, we’re…” MJ starts but stops…she feels her shoulders deflate. “I don’t know what we are…I just don’t want to lose him…he’s special.” She murmurs looking up at Karla.

She nods in understanding. “That’s how I felt about Sam, and now we’re married.” She says knowingly.

“Just don’t wait around too long, yea? I don’t want you to push someone away who could be good for you.” She tells MJ softly.

MJ nods solemnly, she doesn’t want to think about it. She’s scared, mostly. She doesn’t want to ask to define their relationship, because after everything with her mother… she loves him. She knows she does.

But she doesn’t know if he loves her. That is what scares her.

Karla’s break ends and she leaves, giving MJ a firm hug.

MJ doesn’t hesitate to call Hobie, still feeling the pit in her stomach from being followed. One problem at a time.

“Hey, you okay? You never call this early.” His voice slides through her speakers, easy and calm. It relaxes her. She can hear the cars in the distance, he’s probably on a building.

“Um… no?” She hesitates but sighs. “I’m at Spring Awakening, you know the dance club a few blocks down from the pub?” She tells him.

He hums in acknowledgement. “What’s wrong?” He asks her, voice calm, but she hears the wind. He’s already moving.

“Nothing technically, but, I don’t know, I felt someone watching me? Does that make sense? Someone was following me.” She tells him.

“If you think you’re being watched, odds are you are. I’m comin’.” He tells her in a firm voice.

“Can you stay on the phone with me?” She asks hesitantly.

He gives a soft chuckle, “Was plannin’ on it luv.”

It doesn’t take him more than ten or so minutes to get there. He knocks on the back door and she lets him in.

“You doin’ alright?” he asks her softly, holding onto her arms gently.

She nods, “Better now.” She tells him. “Let me go tell Karla I’m leaving, so she doesn’t worry.”

He nods and let’s her go back. She returns within ten minutes and he walks out the back with her. He’s still in his spider suit. Hoping it’ll keep anyone away.

“Do you want to walk home or swing? I could lose anyone if we swing.” He says with a smug tone.

She rolls her eyes, but the idea of being followed is enough to make her want to swing over walking. Even though she hates being up in the air. She doesn’t know how Hobie doesn’t get sick from it, but he’s built different. Literally.

He easily wraps his arms around her firmly and shoots a web. She’s flying off the ground and she squeezes her eyes shut.

He goes the long way, taking a couple of wrong turns just in case. She knows he has that… spider sense? She thinks that’s what he calls it. She really isn’t sure. She just knows that he senses danger much quicker than she can. So, she’s hoping that if that was going off he’d tell her.

He finally makes it to her complex and they both enter through the back. Hobie stays downstairs to wait it out. Just in case they were followed. She makes it to her flat and quickly goes in. She doesn’t bother turning on the lights and just drags herself to the bathroom.

She gave Hobie a key and he’s let himself in a million times. She’s ready to shower off the pub and the anxiety that’s still rattling around in her gut.

She takes a long shower, burning her skin with the hot water, her maroon hair falling down her back as she rakes her hands through it with shampoo. She tries to not think about the fear that gnaws at the back of her head. She’s okay, nothing happened. Hobie’s here and she’s safe.

She’s helped Hobie take down the Vulture, a Lizard, and the Green Goblin. She can handle some weirdo trying to stalk her. She’s dealt with worse.

She takes a shaky breath and finishes her shower.

When she exits the bathroom to the living room, Hobie’s sitting on her couch in his casual clothes just waiting for her. His head looks up as he hears her footsteps.

“Good?” He asks softly pressing a soft kiss to her temple.

She nods, “Just exhausted now.” She tells him truthfully.

“No one followed, promise.” He says as he stands up and stretches, “Go to bed, I’ll be in there soon. I need to shower.”

She gets up to grab him an extra towel and tosses it to him. “Your extra clothes are in the top drawer.” She tells him.

“I know!” he smiles brightly and pops into her room shuffling for some spare clothes before he closes the door to her bathroom.

She double checks to make sure her doors are locked, front and patio. When she’s satisfied she finally crawls into her bed. She tries to wait for Hobie but it’s a losing fight against the heaviness of her lids. She feels the weight shift as he gets under the covers and she rolls to find his body heat, but she’s already blissfully asleep. The last coherent thing she can remember is his arms slotting around her waist.

The next shift she has isn’t until that following Tuesday. It’s one of their slowest nights and honestly, they tend to only keep one bartender on.

She’s alone behind the bar, with one waiter and maybe about twenty patrons. It’s been a very slow night.

It’s around one in the morning and she needs to take out the trash behind the bar. She ties it all up, tells Mark, the waiter on shift, she’ll be right back.

Once she’s out back by the dumpster, she has that sinking feeling again. Like she’s being watched…or hunted.

She tosses the trash into the dumpster and before she can even turn around to look at her surroundings, she hears screaming and sees people running out of the pub. She doesn’t get a chance to see what’s happening before the pub explodes.

The explosion sends her across the pavement, rolling and debris falling on her. Everything hurts, searing pain goes down her body and she feels like she’s spinning. She can’t hear anything besides the ringing in her ears. She tries to open her eyes, but all she sees is smoke and fire.

She doesn’t even know where she is in comparison. The pub seems so far away, but too close at the same time.

She needs to push herself up, she has to get out, she’ll suffocate from the smoke if she doesn’t.

Her body barely moves and the burning pain that shoots up her right leg tells her it’s broken. She looks down and sees a large chunk of the brick wall is on her right leg. She squeezes her eyes shut and tries to think, but everything is spinning behind her eyes and she thinks she’s going to vomit from it all.

First things first, she has to at least pry herself out from under the wall debris.

She manages to sit herself upright and starts lifting what she can. It’s not as if the whole wall fell on her, but it’s big enough that her arms are shaking. She’s able to lift enough to shimmy herself out, but it hurts so much she’s sobbing. Once her broken leg is far enough away she drops the wall back down roughly and she falls flat on her back. Taking in deep breathes.

There’s still smoke everywhere and she needs to try to crawl away.

She sees yellow and green lights fly above her, quick and speedy and not normal street lights. She would know those lights anywhere. It was the bottom of the Goblin’s glider.

Suddenly she’s being swooped up off the ground and is flung in the air. She thinks it’s Hobie for a moment, but when she can finally open her eyes she’s staring at the mask of the Goblin.

“What-” she tries to talk but the smoke filled in her lungs makes her hack like crazy.

The Goblin jostles her and she shrieks, they cackle in response.

She struggles against them, shoving herself and trying to kick with her one good leg. “Let me go!” She spits out trying to shimmy herself away.

The Goblin’s flying on their glider faster than Hobie swings her above the city. Maybe this wasn’t her best idea, but it had to be better than being kidnapped.

“You’ll get put down, eventually.” They say in a clipped tone that makes her feel like they are talking about putting down an animal instead. It sends a shudder down her back.

She’s starting to panic and she has no idea where she even is. Suddenly the glider has a force pulling on it, and it almost sends her flying towards the ground. The Goblin’s grip on her is tight, almost bruising.

She tries to look for the source but she hears it before she sees it.

“Kidnapping now? That’s how low you’ve stooped?” It’s Hobie. His words might be the usual light joking tease he pulls when he fights, but the way he says it isn’t. His voice is hard and short.

He’s angry, in fact, she doesn’t know if she’s ever heard this tone in his voice.

“Looks like the Spider found it’s bait!” The Goblin cackles out, easily cutting away the webs to fly above.

“If you want her you better cast your web Spider-Man! The clocks ticking.” The Goblin goads him. He flies off and in the distance, MJ can see it.

It’s the Old York clock tower. It’s the highest structure in the city. Suddenly she feels her stomach drops. She shivers and the adrenaline shoots through her. Out of all the things she thought would happen today, being tossed off a clock tower like a rag doll wasn’t on it.

She starts to thrash against the Goblin but they just tighten their grip, and MJ feels the pain shoot through her broken leg. She cries out in pain.

“Mariana!” She hears Hobie shout for her, voice loud.

The Goblin flies to the top of the clock tower and hovers, waiting. Hobie lands on the tower, sticking to the side and glares up.

She feels the Goblin move her and dangle her above the city. “I’m tired of these games we play Spider-Man, and I’m getting tired of your little friend either interfering with my other chess pieces or almost killing me.” They hiss out.

MJ is clawing onto the arms of the Goblin tightly, she’s never been more afraid than in this moment. She bites back a sob.

“Not so brave now are you? You little brat!” the Goblin yells pulling her up to their face.

“Leave her alone, she has nothin’ to do with me! She’s just a random woman.” Hobie growls out, trying to dissuade the Goblin from doing anything drastic.

“Oh please, she’s important to you. You think you’re so smart, the both of you.” They say glaring down at MJ.

“You sent me to the hospital… I almost died because of that little flare gun stunt you pulled. You didn’t think I could see you, in the smoke, right? I made the tech on this suit, of course it can see through smog and smoke! I saw every little detail on your face little girl…and I’ll see your fear when I end your life.” They snarl to her.

Hobie tries to move to grab her, but the Goblin whips their head to look at him, releasing one hand from her to hover over the bombs on their belt.

MJ looks at the Goblin, and her own stubbornness might be the death of her but she doesn’t care, she’s more angry than scared right now. A fierce glare covers her face, replacing any other emotion. She sees the bombs that the Goblin’s hand hovers over on the utility belt and she gets an idea, it’s stupid, but it’s better than nothing. She erratically flings herself, to grab for one of the bombs on the Goblin’s belt and because their only gripping onto her with one hand, she succeeds surprisingly.

“I’m not afraid of a monster who hides behind a stupid goblin mask and bombs… and for the record, maybe don’t carry all your bombs underneath your glider where it’s an easy target.” She bites out. She hits the button to activate the bomb.

The Goblin, either in fear or shock, loosens their grip and drops her. It’s what she wants. She throws the bomb up, and it contacts the bottom of the glider. This time, a much bigger explosion than what her flare gun had set off.

She feels herself falling, she can’t see much beyond the smoke. She feels a little dumb in maybe her last moments, she thinks maybe her life should be flashing before her eyes but it’s not.

All she can really think about… is Hobie.

Beyond the smoke, she sees something falling towards her. She can’t make it out but it’s coming towards her quickly. She hopes its not the glider, she can’t dodge that in the air and she’d rather gravity be her demise than anything from the Goblin.

It’s not though, it’s Hobie. She sees his Spider-Man mask first as he falls towards her. Arms stretched out to grab her.

She laughs, it’s not funny, she’s just hysterical right now. She reaches toward him. Her barrels into her, wrapping his body around her tightly. She clings her arms to him, and feels the momentum of them falling together.

He keeps a good grip on her and shoots out a web, hurling them somewhere else.

She really might puke, she probably will once this is all over.

Hobie takes his time, swinging them and shooting different webs to slow down their momentum until their both safe on the ground. He lays her down, holding her head.

“What the actual fuck is wrong with you?!” He says in a clipped tone, but she can hear the fear behind his voice.

She’s breathing heavily, trying to calm down her own heart rate. “I… I need a hospital.” She says before turning away from him and vomiting on the street.

He picks her up gently when she’s done and goes in the direction of the nearest hospital, which thankfully isn’t far.

“What were you thinking? You could have died Mariana…” He hisses out to her, voice shaking.

She shakes her head, “They blew up the pub Hobie…they were trying to kill me…I was just taking them out with me.” She replies, voice raw and quiet.

“Fuck, Mariana…” He whispers to her. He’s looking ahead, he can’t look at her right now or he’ll crack. She can feel him shaking.

“It’s okay, I’m okay…we’re okay.” She tells him.

He’s shaking his head aggressively. “It’s not okay, none of this is okay. You almost died because of me.” He says in a tight voice.

He makes it to the hospital and rushes in, immediately the A&E staff are up and rushing over to them. He hands Mariana over to them. She starts to shove the workers away from her, this conversation isn’t over.

“Don’t you dare push me away because of this! Do you hear me?!” she shouts after him, as she is being dragged away to a room to be looked at.

“I’m serious! You promised!” She disappears behind the doors and the last thing she sees is Hobie flinch at her words.

The nurses that surround her are actively looking and prodding her, she cries as they touch her broken leg, and in the midst of everything the adrenaline stops and the exhaustion takes over.

Suddenly the world goes black.

Tag List: @missshelleyduvall

Message if you would like to be added to the tag list!

#hobie brown #hobie brown x oc #hobie brown x reader #hobie x reader #hobie x oc #mary jane watson #mary jane oc #hobie atsv #atsv #across the spiderverse #across the spider verse fanart #my art #spiderpunk #spider punk

8 notes · View notes

sergeantsporks · 1 year

Text

Gilded Family

Rating: Teen and Up, Gen

Ch 28/?: Rotted Memories

Ch 1, Ch 2, Ch 3, Ch 4, Ch 5, Ch 6 , Ch 7, Ch 8, Ch 9, Ch 10, Ch 11, Ch 12, Ch 13, Ch 14, Ch 15, Ch 16, Ch 17, Ch 18, Ch 19, Ch 20, Ch 21, Ch 22, Ch 23, Ch 24, Ch 25, Ch 26, Ch 27

In which none of the previous golden guards or wittebro died, actually, they're all fine and living happily together as one big dysfunctional family

Ao3

Phoenix lurked outside of Sam’s lab, debating whether or not to go in. Was Sam even inside? Or would it just be Petro? He shuddered at the thought of sitting inside waiting for Sam with no one in there with him but his predecessor. Maybe he could just stay out here and catch Sam as he went in.

“Sooooooooooo,” Petro’s voice drawled, “You’re a smart guy, glasses.”

Phoenix jumped at the sound. We need to invest in soundproof doors.

“Thanks,” Sam answered shortly, “Glad you noticed.”

“You’ve got to know you can’t keep me tied up forever. Sooner or later someone’s going to slip, and I will take advantage of it.”

Sam heaved a sigh so loud that Phoenix could easily hear it through the door. “Make the pitch or don’t waste my time, Petro.”

“Alright, straight to the point; you’ve got a handle on magic, and you’re clearly logistically minded. You don’t have to hang around here. Those two idiots always dancing around in here causing havoc, having to use your skills for everyone else… you’re wasted here.”

“Are you going to tell me what you want, or not?”

“Let me out, and we can both leave. Whatever protection they’re providing here, I can match it. You and I can survive on our own out there, probably better than we can here. We could make our own base, and work on restoring the Isles to what it was.”

“To what it was?” Sam answered sharply, “Would that be with all the citizens dying from their coven sigils? Or perhaps the glorious empire you set up on the bones of Uncle Pip’s enemies?”

“Or something better,” Petro replied smoothly, “We could perfect the Empire. You could make it into something more to your liking. Get rid of the… issues. Between my combat prowess, and your brains—”

Sam chuckled. “Oh, okay. Okay. I think I’m picking up on your vision. Let me know if this sounds right; I let you out under the promise of an empire with my name in shining lights, and you immediately knock me out and run off to try killing Phoenix again. Is that right? Have I got it?”

“No. I’ve been doing some thinking, and you people were right. He’s not worth my time.”

“That is not what we said.”

“Still—”

“No.”

“What?”

“No. I’m not letting you out. I’m not running off. I stay here because I like it. I don’t need an empire, and I don’t want it.”

“But—”

“I’m intelligent, not arrogant. I don’t harbor any notion that I could control you if I did let you out, nor am I delusional enough to think you’ve changed your mind about killing Phoenix over the course of a day. Oh, and if you’re going to come up with a nickname, at least try to come up with something more creative than glasses. ‘Those two idiots’ Lake and Locke could sneeze out a more creative alias. Keep quiet and let me work. Or tell me where Belos makes his grimwalkers. Whichever you feel inclined towards.”

“If you let me out, I’ll tell—”

“Nope.”

Phoenix let out a long sigh. At least there was one person Petro couldn’t get to. Or at least, he hadn’t found an opening yet.

Phoenix raised his hand, knocking on the door.

It swung open almost immediately. “What?” Sam snapped. “Oh. Hey, Phoenix.”

In the lab behind Sam, Petro craned his head upwards to see. “Hiiiiiiiiiiii,” he called, “How’s that post-fight treating you, little bird? Having trouble moving yet?”

Phoenix’s muscles were, in fact, sore, and his scalp was still tender where his hair had been yanked, but he wasn’t going to let Petro know that if he could help it.

Sam shifted in the doorway so that Petro’s line of sight to Phoenix was blocked. “What’s up? Oh, in case you thought it was worth a shot, don’t try talking to Petro, he’s being obstinate.”

“Awwwwwwwwwww, thanks!”

“Quiet time,” Sam ordered, “or I’m not taking you on a walk!” He shook his head. “Anyway, whatcha need?”

“You take him on walks?”

“Yeah, we’re not monsters. And he’s got to go bathroom sometime. Don’t worry about it, what’re you after?”

“You said I could read Uncle Belos’ journal?”

“Oh. Sure. Yeah.” Sam stepped out of the doorway. “Go ahead. Just ignore Petro.”

That won’t work. He’d never let me just rip out pages in front of him.

Phoenix shifted back and forth on his feet. “It can take me a while to read,” he said sheepishly, “Is there any chance I could take it with me and bring it back when I’m done?”

Petro snorted.

“Qui-et,” Sam sing-songed. He retrieved the journal, turning it over in his hands. “…I don’t know. It’s really old, and a bit delicate. I’d like to keep an eye on it.”

“I’ll be careful,” Phoenix lied.

Maybe he won’t notice the missing pages?

Maybe I can say they shook loose of the binding?

“Hm.”

“Read it here,” Petro called, “Let’s have a story time. Read it out loud, I want to hear what he said about you and your failures.”

Sam shot Petro an irritated glance and shoved the book at Phoenix. “Take it. Just… don’t read anyone’s entry but your own? I mean, you can read mine, I don’t care, but some of us don’t really like talking about the past and… just don’t be nosy.”

“Did you read everyone’s entries?”

“Of course,” Sam replied matter-of-factly, “I had to, so I could check for any clues on how to reverse the draining spell, or how to unpetrify someone.” He coughed, shooting Petro a pointed look. “Which turned out to be a waste of time. Anyway. Respect their privacy okay?”

“Okay.” Phoenix tucked the book under one arm. “Oh, Sam?”

“Yep.”

“Do you know if anyone… has a problem with heights? Maybe Belos got rid of them by, I don’t know, tossing them off of a building or a bridge or something?”

Very smooth.

Sam squinted at him. “Why do you ask?”

Phoenix looked somewhere near Sam’s left ear to avoid actually looking him in the eyes. “I just figured… if we ever launch a rescue mission to the head, well, the archive house is floating, and if I’m picking someone to go…”

“You’d want someone with a good head for heights,” Sam finished. He still eyed Phoenix suspiciously, but nodded. “You might want to avoid Alex. Not sure if you could get them on a rescue mission anyway, but they’re not fond of heights. Or falling in general.”

“Thanks, Sam.” Phoenix turned to go, only to be stopped by a cleared throat.

“Phoenix? How’re your arms? Any problems?”

Phoenix froze.

He knows.

That was ridiculous. Sam couldn’t know, unless he’d been lurking around, and he wasn’t stealthy enough to get past Phoenix and Cherry’s radars. Unless…

Phoenix reached up to check his wounds, but they were normal. No dripping, nothing that Sam could pick up on. “No. Nope. No problems. They’re fine.”

“Mmm. Okay. I’d say have fun with the book, but it isn’t exactly a pleasant read.”

Sam closed the lab door, and Phoenix let out a sigh of relief. Step one complete. Now he just needed to get the diary to Cherry, track down Alex, get them to share the most traumatic experience of their life, go on a rescue mission, then get rid of this titan-forsaken curse before he got stuck in Belos’ memories forever. Sure. Fine. No problem.

Cherry was back in his room when Phoenix opened the door. The other grimwalker pored over a couple of sheets of paper and barely looked up when Phoenix approached. Phoenix glanced at the paperwork, but was met by a mess of lines and names on one paper and a chart on the other, both of them with text too small for him to read.

He held the diary out. “I got it.”

Cherry’s spine stiffened, and he jumped up. “You-! Wait, how?”

“I asked for it. Nicely. Don’t worry, this way, if pages go missing, no one will suspect you.” Phoenix chewed his bottom lip then burst out, “Sam’s already read your entry.”

Cherry’s hand faltered just shy of taking the book. “What?” he whispered.

“Sam’s already read it,” Phoenix repeated, “But Cherry, he hasn’t treated you differently—whatever it is you’ve done, whatever you think they’ll hate you for, Sam’s already proved that it doesn’t matter. You don’t have to destroy the evidence.”

Cherry stared at him, but didn’t respond, his hand still hovering near the book without taking it.

“I’m not saying you have to shout your past from the rooftops,” Phoenix said gently, “I’m just saying that you don’t need to worry over what people think. Everyone here has done something they’re ashamed of. They’ll understand.”

Phoenix set the diary in front of Cherry, and quietly exited the room, leaving the other grimwalker still frozen. He set off in search of Alex, reviewing what he knew of the grimwalker. It wasn’t much. He’d seen them at mealtimes, of course, but rarely at any other time. Jason had said once that they suffered from nightmares. What if they weren’t willing to talk about their death?

And where could he find them, anyway?

Phoenix studied the chart he’d snuck away out from under Cherry’s stack of paper when he’d set down the diary. Cherry’s handwriting was small, but at least it was neat.

Alex… Alex… wait, there’s an A… no, that’s not right.

Are they even on this?

“Hi, Phoenix!”

Clara sped down the hallway towards him, Ram in tow. She waved her arm, free of her cast.

“It’s all better now. Your signature helped with the magic!”

Phoenix smiled at that, crouching down next to her. “Yeah? What are you going to do with that brand new arm of yours?”

“Well. This is my good hand for drawing circles. My other hand? It’s okay at spells, but they can be a little wobbly. My good spell hand was stuck in the cast, but now that it is out, maybe I can help with the shields or the illusions.” She hummed. “Or I can help Frank make toast.”

“That’s a good idea. He’s not allowed to use the toaster on his own.” An idea struck Phoenix, and he held the chart up. “Hey, do you think you could help me with something? Can you find Alex’s name on here and tell me what they’re supposed to be doing?”

“Sure.” Clara disentangled her other hand from Ram’s, scanning the paper. “Okay, there it is! They aaaaaaaaareeeeeeee… helping feed the griffins. Oh, that sounds fun. Right, Ram?”

Ram eyed her skeptically, tugging her down to their level and whispering something to her.

“No, they don’t eat little witches. I think. Probably?”

Clara looked to Phoenix, who shook his head.

“Yeah, they don’t eat witches. C’mon, Phoenix, we’ll take you.”

Clara took his hand, and some reflex seemed to jerk Phoenix’s muscles without him thinking about it, yanking his hand out of hers. A tide of fear and something approaching the guilty anxiety that had come with failing a mission swept over him, tightening his chest.

“Who-oa,” Clara yipped, “Is your hand hurt?”

“Um.” Phoenix shook his head to clear the emotions away, tamping them down just as he always had in the coven. “I’m sorry. I just got startled.”

Still, he didn’t hold her hand, just followed her out of the house and to the griffin coop. Even though he knew where it was, he let the two kids take the lead, sweeping his eyes across the yard for potential threats as he followed up behind them.

His vigilance was ridiculous. He knew that. The house was protected from the Collector by its shield and invisibility spells. Still, traces of fear and anxiety stuck in the corners of his mind, and his eyes still darted everywhere, looking for hidden threats in the (now empty of Mole) garden, or around the corners of the house.

Not that he saw any.

Clara opened the griffin coop door, and immediately, four young griffins made a break for it, dashing around her legs and squealing.

“Get back here, you hooligans!”

Joseph ran down the ramp, jogging in place next to Phoenix. “Hi! Griffin chicks now rowdy griffin gradeschoolers! Careful with the door next time, I’m going to go round them up, bye!”

He dashed off after the chicks, calling their names. Lucy (or at least, Phoenix was pretty sure it was Lucy) waddled out the door, clucking and herding chicks closer together and towards Joseph. Phoenix shook his head, crouching down next to Clara and Ram.

“I need to talk to Alex alone. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Clara said brightly, and then promptly joined in the griffin-chasing fun, waving her arms and shouting and generally driving griffin cubs further away from Joseph and Lucy. Ram chased after her, eying Lucy warily. Phoenix watched them for a moment, unsure if they were trying to help him by keeping Joseph out of the coop for later, or if they were just very, very bad a griffin herding.

Alex peered out the door, their long hair swinging down around them and exposing one long scar going up their neck. “Um… Joseph? Okay. He’s gone. Alright. Cool. Right.”

“Hi,” Phoenix started.

“Hi.” Alex watched him for a second. “Oh. Welcome back. Glad you’re not dead.” They rubbed their arms. “Dad sort of thought you might be. Don’t tell him I said that.”

“Oh.”

What if I got it wrong?

What if it wasn’t Alex who had been in his dream? Or what if he wasn’t really seeing Belos’ memories, and he was just delusional after spending so long with the Collector and their reality warping powers?

Alex cleared their throat. “Um. Sorry. Did you need something? If not, I’m just gonna…” they gestured to the ramp and strode past Phoenix. Phoenix started to call after them, but couldn’t quite make his voice work to do it.

You’re wrong

You’re wrong again, you always are

Let someone else figure this out, you’ll only mess it up.

A small griffin streaked up the ramp, tangling up Alex’s legs. The grimwalker yelped, arms flailing.

Phoenix jumped forward, catching Alex’s collar before they could tumble over the edge of the ramp. His fingers curled in the fabric just like they had in the dream, and Alex looked up at him with the same wide, terrified eyes, the little scars from nicks and scratches that marked their face gleaming silver instead of the gold of a mask.

And then Phoenix pulled them upright and let go, and the moment was over.

“Hah—” Alex put one hand over their heart, sinking down to their knees. “Uh—sorry—thanks—I’m just going to… sit here for a bit.”

The fall from the ramp wasn’t a large one. At worst, Alex would have bruised their backside. But they looked like they’d narrowly avoided a fall from the tip of the titan’s horn. “Are you okay?”

“Yes. That is… yes. Thank you. I, uh.” Alex chuckled breathlessly, and a bit hysterically. “I don’t know why, I felt like… never mind.” They stood up brushing themselves off. “Bit of panic. I’m fine.”

“Reminded you of something?” Phoenix suggested.

“Maybe.” Alex fiddled with the end of their hair, twisting the ends around their fingers. “Thanks. Again. Sorry, I didn’t really wait to hear the answer, did you need something?”

“I was actually going to ask about…” Phoenix waved a hand at the ramp and the ground and Alex. “…that. Sorry, I don’t know how to ease into asking this, did you happen to get hurt falling off of a bridge?”

Alex’s shoulders hunched, and they combed their fingers through their hair frantically. “I didn’t fall,” they said sharply, “I was thrown. And I don’t want to talk about it. Did Cherry send you out to talk to me? Dad? Mom? It’s fine. I’m fine. It’s been years, it’s fine. I’m fine. Tell them I’m fine.”

“No, that’s not why I asked, I—”

Phoenix fumbled for his words. Did everyone know about the other grimwalker? Or was it supposed to be secret for now? Caleb hadn’t told him, and if it was supposed to be a secret…

His hesitation was apparently all Alex needed.

“Thanks for catching me. Bye.”

Alex bolted for the house, leaving Phoenix behind on the ramp.

That went well.

At least this confirmed that Alex was the grimwalker he needed. Not that it would help if he couldn’t get them to talk to him. Phoenix sighed. That weary, heavy feeling was starting to settle in his bones again, making him want to curl up right here. Let the infection take over and just… sleep.

Joseph paused next to him on the ramp, his arms wrapped around two wriggling griffin chicks. “What’s eating them? Everything alright?”

“No.”

“Do you need Luc—”

“I do not need Lucy to sit on me.”

Joseph eyed him skeptically. “Okay. If you say so.”

Clara and Ram carried the last writhing griffin chick between them, the creature growling and clucking playfully. “What do we do with it?”

“Take her inside,” Joseph told them. “Hey, kids, have you ever checked a griffin for parasites? Do you want to learn how?”

Phoenix shook his head, going back to the house after Alex. They weren’t in the kitchen—where Frank now threw water over the toaster while a wall of flame flickered dangerously close to the ceiling—and they weren’t in the hallways, either. Phoenix lingered near the front door, quickly dismissing the possibility that they’d left the house entirely. Had they gone to their room? Which one was even theirs?

He started down the hallway, but only made it a couple of doors down before stopping again, attention caught by an open door and Caleb behind it. The ortet shook a crystal ball furiously.

“Work, you wretched thing! It’s just a little cross-dimensional viewing, you can manage it!”

Phoenix knocked on the door. “Everything alright?”

Caleb jumped, dropping the crystal ball, which made a dull thunk as it hit the ground. “Fine!” He squeezed his eyes shut, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Okay. No. Wait. Not fine. I’m…” he sighed, picking up the crystal ball. “I’m trying to check in on the kids. Just to make sure they’re safe. But this stupid crystal ball is giving me nothing but static.” He spun the ball in his hands. “Before I thought it couldn’t find you because you…” He shook himself. “But now that I know you’re alive, and the kids are in the human realm, it should work, right? I know the location, the crystal ball should be attuned to Hunter anyway, so… so…”

Caleb sighed again, putting the crystal ball up on a shelf. “Who am I kidding? If communicating across dimensions was that easy, we wouldn’t have half our problems.”

“They’re safe,” Phoenix assured them, “They made it through.”

“That’s what I’m worried about.” Caleb shook his head. “I know it was the best option at the time, but the human realm is… it’s not a kind place. Not to people who are different, especially not Gravesfield. It can take even the kindest kid, and it’ll chew them up and spit them back out a monster. If it doesn’t just kill them immediately. I’m worried about them. Especially Jason.”

Phoenix felt sick. He’d assumed the human realm would be safer, and the human Luz had seemed nice enough, but he’d forgotten there must have been a reason Caleb and Luz had come here in the first place.

Maybe he had made the wrong decision sending Jason and Hunter and the rest of the kids through.

Maybe they should have stayed.

Maybe he’d gotten them out of immediate danger, but had sent them somewhere far worse.

“Maybe it’s changed,” he suggested, trying to convince himself as much as Caleb, “Maybe it’s different now.”

Caleb stared bleakly at the crystal ball on its shelf. “Phillip hasn’t changed in all this time. Why would the human realm?”

Phoenix didn’t know what to say to that, uncomfortably reminded of the plain brown journal sitting on Cherry’s bed, heavy with the words it carried. Cherry thought, hoped, really, that people could change. Phoenix would just have to hold onto the hope that the same was true of the human realm.

For the kids’ sake.

Caleb shook his head. “Nothing we can do about it now. They’re smart, hopefully they’ll lie low. Keep out of trouble.” He eyed Phoenix, looking him up and down. “How are you? How are your arms?”

The hairs on the back of Phoenix’s neck tingled. “They’re fine. Why would you ask that? They’re fine.”

One of Caleb’s eyebrows climbed upwards. “Yeah?”

“Yes.”

“And everything else? You got roughed up pretty badly. By the Collector and Petro. Are you doing okay?”

So he had just been generally concerned. Of course, he was probably suspicious about Phoenix’s arms now. Phoenix rubbed the back of his neck, acutely aware of the tiny stings and aches coming from all over his body. “…I’ve been worse.”

“Take it easy,” Caleb said gently, “There’s no shortage of help here; you don’t have to solve everything all on your own. I know you’re worried about the other Grimwalker, but you can’t help anyone if you’re falling apart yourself.”

Phoenix nodded along to the familiar advice. “So… any ideas?”

“The keep would be a likely bet,” Caleb offered, “Maybe the head, where he kept the door—and where the journals were. Unfortunately…”

“Those are both areas controlled by the Collector,” Phoenix finished, “What if they are there? What are we going to do?”

“I don’t know. We can’t just leave them. But going directly into Collector’s territory…” Caleb shook himself. “We’ll figure it out. We don’t know for sure that they’re at either of those places, and even if that’s the case, Evelyn is excellent at breaking into places she shouldn’t be. We’ll think of something. For now, you should see Auric again. The last thing you need is a regular infection on top of a magical one.”

Phoenix nodded.

“And Phoenix? If you need to talk about what happened with the Collector, or what happened with Phillip, or anything else…”

And what was he supposed to tell Caleb?

That he’d lied and connived his way out of the archive house? That he’d left Eda and Lilith and Darius behind, and hadn’t even managed to get King out safely like he’d promised? That he’d planned to go back? That he actually felt bad for the Collector, the one they were all hiding from, who’d torn up their home and turned the population into toys? That he was still lying, this time to them, about his arms, about the memories and dreams, and he’d dragged Cherry into it? That all of this hiding and lying was building up in his chest and if he tried to think about it, he was worried he would fall apart, and somehow, the infection in his arms would spread and he’d turn completely into a shambling monster like Belos, but maybe that was happening anyway with all the lies he’d told?

Caleb looked at him expectantly, but Phoenix just nodded. “I’ll let you know,” he managed. He ducked out of the room, away from Caleb’s watchful eye. Enough stalling. He’d ask Cherry to help him find Alex, and he’d somehow manage to talk Alex into giving him information, and then he could finally, finally tell them about the infection, and he wouldn’t have to lie anymore.

The room was devoid of Cherry when he reached it, and the journal was nowhere to be seen either. Blankets had been dragged from the bed, leaving it a mess of exposed pillows and sheets. Phoenix stood in the center of the room, scanning for a clue as to where Cherry had gone, his heart throbbing in his throat.

Shouldn’t have helped him steal that book

Just making all sorts of good choices today, huh, Phoenix?!

He heard a muffled thump from the closet, and he opened the door. Cherry blinked in the sudden light, burying his face in the blanket he’d wrapped around his shoulders.

“Leave me alone,” he groaned.

His eyepatch lay on the floor next to Belos’ journal.

Phoenix squeezed into the closet, closing the door and sitting next to Cherry. He didn’t say anything. Just sat, waiting.

“Sam knows,” Cherry whispered, lifting his head, “You’re seeing Belos’ memories, so it’s only a matter of time before you find out. Hunter was in Belos’ mindscape, there’s no telling what he’s seen.” He clutched at his head, and for the first time, Phoenix saw under the eyepatch.

He’d expected that Cherry’s eye would be torn up and scarred, and he’d known it was blind. But he’d always sort of assumed it was there. Instead, a dark cavity loomed at him like an endless cave in Cherry’s face.

“It doesn’t matter if I destroy the pages,” Chery continued, his chest heaving, “It doesn’t even matter if all of you promise to keep it secret. There could be other records out there, copies of the journal, accounts from someone who lived through it, some survivor who’s passed down a story through their family—I can’t control it all, and I’ll never know what’s out there, what… what…” His fingers tightened in his hair, tearing at it. “They’ll hate me.”

“Cherry, they—”

“I know we’ve all done something wrong for Belos, I know that we all have regrets, but I was worse, Phoenix. I was like Petro; he’s right about that. I destroyed homes, entire towns! I ruined lives, I ended lives, and I didn’t even question it, because it was what he told me to do. And I—I can’t ever make up for it, because now I’m here. I’m here, and I can’t ever—I can’t—and there isn’t any making up for it, there wouldn’t have been even if I’d never left my time.” Cherry buried his head in his blanket again. “They’re all looking up to me,” he groaned, “They’re all trusting me. And I don’t want to see them hate me, I don’t want… And Jason, titan, Jason, he can’t find out.”

“Jason thinks the world of you,” Phoenix said quietly.

“That’s the problem. I don’t want to let him down, I want to be the person he thinks I am, but I already failed him. He just doesn’t know it yet.”

“Cherry. You’re not that person anymore. You’ve changed.”

“Have I?”

“Yes!”

“Really? A long time ago, you asked if I’d just replaced Uncle with someone else.”

Phoenix stumbled for words. He barely remembered that. It had been months ago! Forget Cherry, he’d changed since then! “That was—Cherry, that was wrong, I was new at this, and I didn’t—”

“No. You were right. I’m still…” Cherry waved a hand around. “Following orders. Doing what someone else tells me to.” He laughed hollowly, pulling his blanket tighter around himself. “If Dad and Mom asked me to kill someone, I probably still would, no questions asked.”

“I don’t think that’s tr—”

“Really? They told me to protect you, and I nearly destroyed Petro’s inner self when he threatened you. I haven’t changed. I’m just following someone more benevolent than Uncle.”

“No.” Phoenix stood up, nearly hitting his head on a shelf. “No. You’re wrong. You’re using what I said as an example? Well, that same day, you let me out, despite Caleb’s orders to keep everyone inside and safe. Right now, you’re not telling Evelyn and Caleb about the infection getting worse, even though you know they’d want you to, because you know it’s how we’re going to find the last Grimwalker. Maybe you are following orders from someone better. But you’re also disobeying them when you think it’s the right thing to do.”

Cherry rested his chin on his knees. “Hm.”

“You help Evelyn and Caleb because you believe what they want is good, really good, not just because they told you to do it and you’re scared of what they’ll do if you don’t. I know we thought we were doing the right thing with Belos, too, but they let you listen to your own conscious in a way he didn’t. And when you think they’re not right, you do something else. You have changed—you wouldn’t have even considered disobeying Belos before, but you’ve made your own decisions here. What does Petro know? He’s been here and awake for what, a day? Two? And all he wants is for one of us to slip up so he can wriggle out and try to kill me. He doesn’t know you.”

Cherry sighed, tugging on his hair. “No one really does. They don’t know the full story. Even with what I just told you, you still don’t have all the details.”

“They know who you are now. And that’s what’s important to them. Do you know every full backstory of every person in the house?”

Cherry opened his mouth, then closed it, and shook his head.

“And do you care about them anyway?”

A nod.

“And if you found out that they’d done something horrible and had been beating themselves up over it for years, what would you tell them?”

“That they can’t change the past,” Cherry grumbled, “And it’s what they do to fix it or to be better now that matters.”

“So why would it be any different for you?”

“I get it, Phoenix. I know. I know it doesn’t make any sense. Just…” Cherry sighed, picking his eyepatch back up. “I know I’m being hard on myself, but that doesn’t help me stop, and that doesn’t mean I think I should stop. And even if I feel that way about others, that doesn’t mean they’ll feel the same way about me. I just… don’t want them to look at me differently. I don’t want them to look at me the way they look at Petro.”

“I know logic doesn’t help,” Phoenix said quietly, slowly turning the door handle, “But they don’t look at Petro like that because of what he did. They look at him that way because he keeps choosing to be that person.”

He slipped out of the closet, shutting the door behind him.

Alex lurked outside of Cherry’s room, watching him. “What were you doing in there?”

“Talking.”

“Reporting to Cherry?”

Phoenix pushed past them, closing the door to the room to give Cherry more privacy, and to give he and Alex privacy from Cherry. “I don’t report to Cherry. He’s not my boss. What are you so worried about him finding out, anyway?”

Alex eyed him, but didn’t respond.

“Come to think of it, why’d you come back? You seemed dead set on getting as far away from me as possible.”

“Wanted to know what you were saying about me. You really aren’t reporting to Cherry? Or Mom or Dad?”

“No. Why? Don’t you trust them?”

Alex fiddled with the ends of their hair, combing it out. “Oh. I do in general. I… they always want to help. And it can get a bit much because sometimes I just want to give it time. See if it goes away on its own. Which it usually does. For a while.”

“What does?”

“You know. The usual. Nightmares and such.”

“And panic attacks when you fall?” Phoenix suggested.

Alex gave him a reappraising look, and started to edge away. “Hm.”

“I’m not interested in trying to help you,” Phoenix blurted out. “Wait—that came out wrong. I mean, if you want to handle it on your own, if you think it just needs time, that’s fine. I don’t want to push you, I won’t try to talk you through it.”

“Then what do you want?”

“It’s just—” Phoenix took a deep breath, organizing his thoughts in a line. Half-truths instead of full lies this time. “I’m trying to find something, and I think… I think you might have accidentally seen where it is. All I need to know is where… it… happened.

“Oh.” Alex tugged on the end of their hair again. “Hm. You might be out of luck finding… whatever it is. At least for now. Belos tried to kill me at the head—you probably saw the bridge while you were there.”

Phoenix’s heart dropped. Of course. Right in the middle of the Collector’s territory. They’d be lucky to get in alive, let alone get out with a new grimwalker in tow. But… maybe if they did go…

The gears in Phoenix’s head started to gently click. If they went up there anyway, for the Grimwalker, he could convince them to go for Darius as well. And Eda, and Lilith. They might even be able to rescue King—if the Collector left his side at all.

A small voice whispered that the Collector would be all alone if they did, with only Terra and Odalia, but he pushed that part down. For now, they needed to focus on the last grimwalker. Then they could go after everyone else. And then… maybe the Collector?

As if isolating him is going to make him hate you less.

“…Phoenix?” Alex ventured, “Are you still with us?”

Phoenix shook himself. “Um. Yes. Thank you. Thank you, yes.”

“Sure. But, uh… after I ran, why didn’t you just ask Dad where I died? He rescued me from there.”

Phoenix hadn’t gone to Caleb because that would have meant telling him HOW he knew that Alex had information, which would mean immediate surgery on his arms. But obviously he couldn’t tell Alex that.

“Didn’t think of it,” he lied. “Thanks, Alex.”

Phoenix started towards where he’d last seen Caleb, but stopped halfway down the hall, weighing his options. Caleb was concerned about the grimwalker, but he was also cautious. And he’d admitted himself that he’d probably ask Evelyn for advice on sneaking into the head anyway. If the way she’d shaken Petro for information was any indication…

Phoenix switched tracks, heading outside instead. Loud ‘ew’s burst from the griffin coop, but he ignored them in favor of the redheaded witch examining the magic on the fence. “Evelyn?”

“Hey. Oh, you—” Evelyn kicked a flickering fencepost. “Work!”

Surprisingly, it flickered two more times, then resumed a steady blue glow. Evelyn drew a circle, and the entire fence shuddered, hummed, and finally faded back to its steady pulse of magic. Evelyn dusted her hands off, and turned to face him.

“Maintenance. Never as sophisticated as people think. What’s up?”

“I know where the last grimwalker is.”

Evelyn’s constant energy stilled, and her golden eyes fixed on him like a fairy that had just spotted a bat. “How?”

“No time to explain, I’ll do it when we get back. Belos kept his grimwalkers growing at the head, at the very bottom of the skull. The whole thing’s probably been shaken up and damaged by the Collector’s remodeling, so we need to get them now.”

Evelyn gave him a short nod, and ran back towards the house. “Come on,” she called over her shoulder, “If we want to get out of this alive, we’ll need a couple of things—and a couple of people.”

Phoenix was about to follow when a chill swept over him, despite the sunlight, and his right hand started to twitch of its own accord. He reached slowly up to check his arms, even though he already knew the infection was oozing out again. Rolling up his sleeves revealed veins of blackish green extending all the way to his wrists, throbbing in time with his heartbeat. Phoenix rolled his sleeves back down, and tucked his hands into his pockets to hide their shaking, following Evelyn inside.

Just a little bit longer.

It’s almost done.

Keep it together for just a little bit longer.

#toh #the owl house #toh fanfiction #my writing #gilded family au #golden guard oc #caleb wittebane

23 notes · View notes

whetstonefires · 1 year

Note

this is very much from nowhere but you've HAD skip beat! thoughts before and i am rereading parts of this nonsense and i am having thoughts. primarily, i think skip beat! would be improved by aging all the characters up like 10 years but keep key ages the same. e.g. kyoko meeting kuon whenthey were 6 and 10 respectively, her and sho going to tokyo at 16 etc. the introduction of vie ghoul rings a bit hollow when sho has only been famous 1 years, but if he's a properly established idol who is aging out of the circuit, you get complexity. the dark moon arc doesn't have the same punch since forbidden love and everything but that's easily adjusted for aged up characters. these thoughts are presented by the fact that i keep forgetting they are 16/17 and 20.

I HAVE ANSWERED THIS ASK THREE TIMES. SEVERAL HOURS OF EFFORT HAVE BEEN DELETED BY VARIOUS TECHNICAL FOIBLES. i used to highlight-all-copy long posts as I went for safety (this was imperfect) but the new block-based text editor doesn't allow it....

So short version of this answer now, you're probably better off this way without all my in-depth rambling textual analysis haaladksklask;dlk. Like, you're losing some fun content but hey third draft right. Condensed essence of idea.

So, I don't at all mind being spontaneously tagged in on something like this! :D But sadly, I must disagree. I don't think that would work.

First there are practical points, where I think you're underestimating how much the idol industry is a child-munching horror, and how having someone debut in her late 20s would be nonsense--that's Christmas cake, she's an old maid. Teenagers only. The basic career-arc expectations that give the plot its rough shape don't wash.

And then if Shou's career had been at this level for 10 years--he's been consistently chart-topping for months, inspired to new creative heights by his rivalry with Kyoko--he'd be the icon of a generation, and plagiarizing him would be a totally different ballgame. He'd have some measure of institutional power, instead of everyone expecting him to flame out any moment now anyway. (The Beagles could still run that con, the calculus would just look different.)

He is utterly disposable to his owners, right now; he's profitable but they haven't invested that much in him. He's already gotten further than anyone is expected to, especially without loads of nepotism. He's not aging out of performing at all, but people are in fact counting down to his expiration date as a wild success as a singer-songwriter, which is what Vie Ghoul threaten to bring upon him.

But more importantly in character terms, I think our leads absolutely have to be the ages they are--like, Ren was clearly only made 20 for Age Gap Reasons lol, but all his development since has leaned on it in such a way he'd become incoherent if he were more than like 2 years older, at this point.

When the personality under the persona starts to surface, a lot of him is still basically a precocious teenager, because he hasn't been living as a whole person since before the breakdown. But he has been living. The longer he'd been doing that, the more profound his alienation from Kuon would be, and that would change the arc.

He's only been Ren for about five years. He's left that kid behind but he's also only just stopped being a kid, really.

The difference between how you look back on and hate yourself at 15 when you're 20, versus when you're 30.......

And then, if Kyoko had lost twelve years to Shou, somehow not being discarded or figuring it out that whole time, and was now facing the world at 26 with nothing to her name but long-ingrained habits of service and self-abnegation and dozens of minimum-wage jobs from which she saved nothing because it all went to Shou, that would be much more bleak.

Do you know what it's like to be 26 and ruined, and to know you did this to yourself?

This jousei version is going to have a hard time not being about either 1) actual physical murder or 2) the grieving process for yourself as a preliminary to self-reinvention.

Kyoko absolutely does the latter in canon, but it works differently folded into a coming-of-age narrative. Bildungsroman for a woman in her late 20s whose formal education ended at age 14 getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship could be a really moving and meaningful work, but it couldn't be this story.

The thing is, this is a manga about trauma, especially childhood trauma, and its role in identity. Kyoko and Ren are both going through their arcs from the context of the very very weird and uneven development process that happens as a result of 'neglect' and 'parental fuckery' and 'bullying' and 'isolation' and 'child labor.'

They had very different experiences! Ren's parents adore him. But Shou's parents loved Kyoko too; it wasn't enough to make up for everything else.

Kyoko is super mature and hypercompetent in some areas and has huge developmental deficits in others. We are introduced to the traumas underlying this fairly quickly, for the most part, although detail kept unfolding for a very long time, and at the same time we watched her go through stages of self-recognition and acceptance, and start to heal. A huge part of this has been nurturing and honoring her inner child.

Ren, we come to see over time, has a lot of the same shit it's just subtler, and he has a much harder time unpicking it. Partly because of who he is as a person--a good liar for one thing--partly because Kyoko started off with a big burst of rage at an external target to launch herself forward and discard a lot of her repression habits in one go, while the main person Ren hates is himself.

(Remember their first conversation when he went off on her, totally breaking persona only we didn't know him yet to know it? I need to reread that again, it's been a while. But from what we know now it sure looks like he saw his younger self in her, and since he's fucked up this led to lashing out. Which was one of the most genuine human interactions he'd had in possibly years by then!)

Partly because he's older. Four years is not generally a whole lot when it's 26 to 30, but from 16 to 20 there's a big shift in plasticity of character, and he just spent his late adolescence cramming himself into a Tsuruga Ren mold only to realize there are limits to the efficacy of this coping mechanism and he's hitting them.

Due specifically to work, and the specific expectations of adulthood! Which, talk about realism wrt mental health struggles around age 20, oof.

Anyway yeah I think the age gap influences their relationships to their child-selves in ways that have been vital to their character developments and how they've influenced each other through them, which would make no sense if they were ten years older.

Would it be Less Problematic? I mean, yeah, but it also would lose the psychological realism that is, perhaps bizarrely, very present in this wildly stylized comedy workplace romance about acting and the processing of trauma.

Kyoko's characterization would be rife with insulting infantilization if she was approaching 30, but in fact she is A Teenager and this is exactly how she should be; it's a sign of health.

Honestly I just think a lot of the shit these characters do only makes sense because they are or recently were teenagers. The intensity of teenage emotions....like Kyouko's whole poltergeist phenomenon, that's classically adolescent for a reason. Shou being in the process of realizing that his shitheadery was like, actually bad; much more acceptable at 17 than 27.

They'd all be weirdly stunted individuals at ten years older, and just much weirder people than they already are. The whole cast can't be Takarada Rories there needs to be some variation lmao.

#ask #hoc est meum #ruterdam #skip beat!#i actually physically injured myself typing all these thousands of words #so while my opinion is that you're wrong please understand #that i'm saying it with great love #hm i'm behind i should catch up again #i have been following this fucking comic since *I* was seventeen #[softly] hey what the fuck #meta #skip beat spoilers #mogami kyoko #tsuruga ren

56 notes · View notes

panelshowsource · 6 months

Text

sorry this is so long — i let my inbox back up a little but also some of these are so thoughtful and i hate not responding thoughtfully!

remember to block the tag 'long post' if you hate seeing long posts :')

first of all aww anon thank you so much and second of all you don't watch taskmaster? how can you stand following my blog if you don't? hahahahah especially during taskmaster season i feel so bad the blog ends up being like 70% tm even though if i could have it may way i'd never gif new content and just gif totally random old content like always hehehehehe but it's cute to me how many hog fans are in my inbox these days! i'll try and gif it more for you guys :)

and you should watch taskmaster!!! and come back and tell me what you think!! start with s1!!! it's on the masterpost linked in my bio!

idk anon you'd have to ask them that but generally they would consider themselves to be irish-american; i wasn't trying to make a statement about that when i said that i think new yorkers understand a person like ed, though i think it's far to say that even diasporic communities will retain (at least) a handful of characteristics and nuances from their homelands

yesssss we all love ed! i think a lot of us know him from mock the week and his bffship with dara (i have some of their travel buddy series on my non-panel show masterpost!), but of course he's also an accomplished standup!

actually, just last month in an exclusive with metro he said this:

It seems remarkable Ed hasn’t appeared yet in its 16 seasons. ‘They haven’t asked. If they had, I would,’ Ed said, with a dash of longing. ‘There’s really only one slot per series of someone answering my description,’ he mused. ‘We’re kind of the most overprescribed demographic in the industry. There’s no shortage of people who look and sound like me that are ahead of me in the queue for that slot.’ Even so, it would have been nice… Greg? Are you listening?

(ps. that article claiming 8 out of 10 cats is cancelled... 👀 don't get me wrong, i know it's been a couple years since it's been on, but afaik no cancellation was ever announced 👀)

i know a lot of people are very hung up on the fact david mitchell said he wouldn't do taskmaster — and i'm a sure there are a handful of others who either wouldn't or couldn't when they were asked (jack dee had a scheduling conflict back in the day, right? and alex still desperately wants him?) — but one thing that has been consistently reinforced for years, and especially since taskmaster moved to channel 4, is it is far and away the biggest, most in-demand opportunity amongst comedians and light entertainers (— on network television; of course, if you're standup, your own standup special on channel 4, netflix, whatever has gotta be number one, but i disgress). taskmaster is huge: everyone talks about how comedians play 100-seat rooms, go on taskmaster, and then BOOM sell out massive tours. the show can really change your life, so there is hardly a comedian who wouldn't go on if given the chance — especially someone like ed, who i had mentioned a couple months ago being of the jenny eclair variety (an opportunist; professional jealousy ain't no stranger). i know he's waiting for that damn phone to ring!

and i think he makes an incredible point that not many series are gunning for more than one straight white middle-aged man (though it's happened before, of course). actually, i was just thinking about how that role — the white, middle-aged, experienced senior comedian — is chosen; in almost every single case, it's a very famous comedian who will draw viewers and reinforce legitimacy (frank skinner, al murray, hugh dennis, bob mortimer, rhod gilbert, david baddiel, richard herring, lee mack, alan davies, dara, you get the point) or it's a comedian who alex, whether he's friends with them or not, really really likes (tim key, dave gorman, mark watson, tim vine, mike wozniak, i know they're well-known but even ardal o'hanlon and julian clary who alex personally loves). does ed fall into either of those categories? super famous ratings draw or one of alex's friends/comedy heroes? frankly...i'm not sure...and i think that may be what's keeping him mid-way down the list...

still, very cute of the journalist from this article to be gunning so hard for him to be on the show! i have to admit, i know it might seem like i'm biased because i like him, but i really really think he would be really really good on the show. imo — and it's just imo, people will disagree — the most important aspect of the best series of taskmaster is the banter. it's people who speak up, who fight, who tease, who want to win, who want laughs, who play off the audience, who make quick friends, who talk to greg, who talk to alex. ed TALKS. ed wants screen time. ed wants to fuck around. ed wants to win. so i think he would really take advantage of the format and i'd love to see it!

you are allowed to say i told you so! it was amazing! thanks for reading my bullshit, i tried to take it really seriously so i could just link to it any time someone asks me if i've seen it hahahah who was your fave contestant?

i could write a really long response to this because it's something i have — or could find lmfao — a lot to say about, but knowing this post is already gonna be long (hahah i hate myself) lemme try to boil my brain down

1) i covered my personal opinion of what makes the strongest series of taskmaster in my (very long) recent taskmaster nz s2 post; 2) recency bias — it's in the name! people are biased because it's recent [shrug]; 3) A LOT of people have not seen every series of taskmaster (gasp! i know...) so they won't have the full taskmaster uk canon in mind when they're making such claims; 4) there is a strong divergence between the comedy nerds who watch taskmaster for comedy and the light entertainment viewers who watch taskmaster for general pleasantness, and you gotta consider who you're talking to when you're listening to someone's opinion; 5) i think there's a very long convo you could have about the reticence of a huge faction of taskmaster fans to criticise the show/tasks/contestants/alex — which is why a lot of people like it and its community, because it's often an echo chamber of positivity — but maybe we won't have that convo now haha

^ me being concise!! wow never thought we'd see that day

yes totally anon! i'll make massive gifsets of all of them when the season ends, if that works? :)

wow interesting question! i know a few people who watch taskmaster on and off, and i definitely know people like you who enjoy the odd clip (why is it always bob mortimer on wilty lmfaooo), but otherwise i wouldn't say i spend too much time convincing people to watch stuff. wilty and taskmaster are pretty accessible, but a lot of panel shows are about the uk news, uk current events, have uk c-list celeb guests, etc, and i don't think people would be interested. plus, i have you guys!!! (i don't really have internet friends besides posting here and interacting with you guys :'))

not that long ago, i was at a dinner party and someone said, "have you seen that show taskmaster?" and ... do you know what it's like for me!!! ... i had to take a deep breath and say inside my head 'sarah be cool' and i finally went, "i have! fun show haha" and not start TWITCHING ... they were telling the people around us a little bit about it and getting some of the details wrong and i just sat there nodding like :) and didn't correct them bc being a know-it-all isn't cool and i didn't want to risk it 💀

it's too bad we don't have more of a light entertainment culture here, especially a comedian-driven one :(

(so random but speaking of light entertainment has anyone else been seeing michael barrymore all over tiktok? those kids say the funniest things clips are my wholeeeee fyp)

hahaha yesss we do know suzi around here!! though she's not been on many panel shows recently-ish so i probably haven't posted her in a while. if your fave taskmaster contestants are wide-eyed, smiley people who radiate optimism and go-get-em attitudes then suzi would definitely be the one!

did i mention rick edwards or is this just your sly way of bringing up a sexy man? ...i see you anon😏 he has the face of someone who should have been working on that big wall in games of thrones you know the one where jon tory scum snow ended up? that's a specific compliment but just trust me it's complimentary

i'm sorry about your heartbreak :( it's like me with whites, we've all got that one show :(

yesss it so is! <3

is it weird to imagine joe and mike woz in the same room or is that just me...

—

WATCH LINKS MASTERPOST / FAQ / TAGS / ASK

#a #long post

7 notes · View notes

wyrdify · 1 year

Text

Mother's Day is this weekend. I need to get some feelings out about it and maybe some acknowledgement that these feelings are valid, I don't know.

TLDR: tag Mother's Day stuff for me please and know it's not a day I like.

My mother and I have a strained relationship. She has me blocked on Twitter because a few years ago, I stupidly tweeted about how I disliked Mother's Day because of her. I called out her abuse in a public forum (I'll get to what that was in a second). My father called me up on Mother's Day to cuss me out, tell me it wasn't abuse, and refused to listen to me. He even pulled the "well it wasn't sexual abuse, so it wasn't abuse" card on me, and he yelled at my husband for taking over the phone call because I couldn't handle being yelled at.

The start of it: when I was 16, I started having myoclonic seizures. Both of my arms would jolt (seize), and they'd do it many times for anywhere up to an hour or two. This happened in the morning (at the start) when I first woke up. I didn't know what was happening. Outside of taking me to a pediatrician for my yearly school-required check-up, my parents refused to take me to a doctor. The pediatrician said the problem wasn't neurological after asking me to explain said seizures---you know, things that I didn't remember happening. My mother was there and witnessed the seizures, but she didn't want anything to be wrong, so nothing was wrong.

Or, if something was wrong, it was easily fixable. Someone who was in the same cult as my parents' cult did bio-feedback shit, so my mother signed me up to do it. They said I might have a slight allergy to dairy, so my mother took that as gospel and what could be causing my seizures. No research whatsoever. So, diet changed, and I no longer consumed dairy. Seizures didn't stop. They continued to worsen without treatment.

The specific memory that makes me mad to this day: the summer between junior and senior year of high school, when I was still 16, I had a seizure and fell down the stairs in my house. I struggled to breathe at the bottom of the stairs, and I was still seizing a bunch. My mother, instead of taking me to a hospital or anything like that, sat me down in the living room and chose to give me reiki. And she got my sister, who was seven at the time, to do the same. I just remember basically dissociating while on that couch and seizing while my mom and sister laid hands on me.

For the days afterward, I wasn't allowed to use the computer (because that apparently caused the seizures). My father and his coworkers made fun of me for being sore. I had a bruise on my right leg for close to a year. My seizures stopped being the annoying things that made it hard for me to eat breakfast, a part of my daily routine that my autistic ass needs. I started doing research. I started getting more and more scared.

Fast forward to when I was a sophomore in college. It's been three years since the seizures started, nearly four. They've worsened. My legs would collapse underneath me when I had them while standing. They started happening not just in the morning, but during the middle of the day as well. My memory was shit. I was struggling in my classes. No more of the lactose free diet since it hadn't been working. My mother decided to just say that the seizures were my fault and I was causing them with laziness, screen use, and lack of sleep. She also convinced people in the cult to think the same way. So, whenever cult members saw me, they wrote me off.

Enter my (now) husband moving in from California.

My mother and father made me jump through hoops to be able to see a doctor, so we made a deal with them. I had to do three things: see my father's chiropractor to make sure the seizures weren't related to that, see my massage therapist to get the toxins out, and go to the gym 2-3 times a week for two weeks. I did all of that. Dad's chiropractor told me it was neurological, and my dad went and spoke with him after the fact to make sure I was telling the truth. My massage therapist also said it was neurological. Going to the gym made the seizures worse.

My husband drove me to all of these things and to the doctor and neurologist I eventually got to see. The only thing he wasn't present for was the MRI the neurologist ordered (he had to work). The second my neurologist got my EEG results, he called me and said, "We need to get you on something to stop the irregular electrical activity. Now." I got in to see him so fast, and my mother tried to argue with him about the fact that I had epilepsy. She tried to convince him that the seizures were my fault when it was proven that my seizures weren't photosensitive. He almost laughed her out of the exam room.

And she kept doing that after I started medication for the seizures. So did her cult friends and cult leader. Someday, I'll explain the cult, but it's a nuisance. They also tried to get me to drink alcohol when my medication told me not to, and they wouldn't stop pressuring me. That was fun.

So yeah, I finally got treatment nearly four years after the seizures started, and, guess what? I got them under control. I was no longer falling in the shower (which my mother would also blame me for). I could eat breakfast. I could have a job and not worry if I was going to be a liability. I could finally learn to drive again and get my driver's license at almost 22 years old. I was no longer scared I was going to die every day of my life. I felt like I was actually living.

It took me years to unpack that this shit was wrong. Months into therapy with my first therapist, I basically had to learn that my parents were abusive. I had to learn that the above was medical neglect and abuse. It wasn't normal. I would be lying if I said I wasn't still angry about it, mostly because my parents refuse to take ownership of what they did. I tried telling them on numerous occasions before my Twitter blunder, but they weren't listening. They told me, "That's your truth," and, if they apologized, it was the bullshit, "I'm sorry that's how you feel." It's what happens when you have narcissistic parents.

I haven't gotten to the point of forgiveness, partly because my brain is still caught up in the toxic thinking around that word that my fundie Christian high school taught me. It basically boils down to, "Well, if you forgive them, that means saying that what they did was okay, and you are okay with them being back in your life." Logically, I know that's not how forgiveness has to work, but my brain and heart are still tangled up. So, I'm still bitter. I'm still upset about the years lost to fear of dying, of having seizures, of being blamed for something I literally couldn't control, et cetera. I don't know how to let those feelings go yet. The dream is that my parents own up to their actions, but I have little to no faith in them left.

I love my parents, but I want them in my life as little as possible. And it hurts. It hurts every single Mother's Day to see people post happy things with their happy families with the knowledge that I won't ever have that. So, I try to avoid social media on the actual holiday so I don't see shit and have to feel shit.

This is also ignoring the fact that I am still dealing with the fact that I will never be a parent. That's a separate issue and not the focus of this post. But yeah. That's also a reason I don't like Mother's Day, I suppose. Right now anyway. I'll probably have an easier time getting over that, I think.

Anyway, all of this to say that I will be avoiding tumblr and shit this Sunday. If you're going to do Mother's Day stuff, please tag it with something so I can blacklist it. Thank you for reading all of this if you did. I just needed to get all of this out of my head. I didn't want to clog my discord servers with this or feel like I'm hogging attention.

#thewriter; post #tbd #mother's day tw #abuse tw #medical neglect tw #negative tw

12 notes · View notes