#but sometimes it just comes off as 'how can i make it look Progressive(tm) to hate on other members of the lgbtq community'

[claitea]

art fight is soon and i havent done a Single new oc ref since last year

in case you want info on them

esen is the leader of the three-person party of her, dayn and florian after they split from their original parties, since they worked best together. she helps to document heartless behavior and how to fight them and gives that info to the rest of the vulpes union. she's curious to a fault and often gets distracted trying to research new heartless while literally in the middle of fighting them. lives in the lighthouse and sails keykids to the island. sometimes sells her drawings at florian's fruit and veg shop.

chip used to be a very shy kid, until he went on his pokemon journey and learned to come out of his shell. he became a gym leader in the starting town because he knows how scary starting a journey can be and wants to support new trainers. he is the definition of a handholdy tutorial, like if you dont bring a flying type before his battle he'll ask if you want to catch one, before being told off by his sister cassidy for being too coddling and starting the battle anyway. as a surprise he's also the champion of the region, excited to see how you've grown over your journey and fighting you full force.

cassidy is one of the lead developers for tms in the entire world. she's the one who gives you access to the tm crafting service and often appears to check on your progress and give you new tms. since she makes tms she researches pokemon moves; she's the fifth gym leader, part of her gym gimmick is that her pokemon all know torment, to force challengers to show her a variety of moves (and also stop flamethrower spammers she's so sick of this)

kalin is a ballet dancer, inspired by tales of meloetta and the red shoes it lost that fae heard as a kid. fae's mischievous, faer entire gym is designed to scare people. challengers are not told who the gym leader is or what they look like. doors lock behind you and you have to find hiding klefki to pass, a seemingly headless trainer chases you (turns out to be a disguised theatrigus, one of my fakemon), and at the very end theres a hall of portraits of the so far unnamed gym leader dating back to up to 100 years ago, however they seem to not age in any of them. the first pokemon kalin sends in is actually a zoroark to tip the player off that illusions were used to make the gym scarier. after beating the gym, kalin reveals that the gym has been passed down in faer family for years, all to keep the joke going and make it seem like the gym leader is immortal, a real faerie. kalin tells you faer real name and makes you promise not to reveal the gym's secrets. also yes i made a fairy gym leader just to give faer fae/faer pronouns the joke was too easy

not as much to lichen as the others haha. works at reid's coffee shop (another oc i have to fix the ref for but not as much motivation for xem as these other ones), sometimes runs a little arts and crafts event for kids in the shop. loves halloween and horror, outfit always has some kind of bat motif on it. might look scary but is genuinely sweet.

[lastoneout]

I’m not going to get into the catalyst behind this post cuz it's a mess and also this is probably not super coherent because I’m pissed BUT I really think these days the queer community could use a bit of a refocus on is the concept of coming out or being outed.

Like I know we're barely better off than we were even just ten years ago and lots of us live in blue-leaning places or have supportive families and we've been spoon fed a steady diet of "being in the closet is shameful bcs you're hiding who you are and it's better to live your truth(tm)" and "if you don't list your sexuality/gender somewhere you aren't allowed to talk/write about xyz topic" and “only queer people can play queer people” bullshit to the point that we now feel comfortable demanding actors and writers disclose their orientations lest they be canceled, but y'all need to remember that being queer is an incredibly personal thing that can change every single aspect of your life for the rest of your life, and because of that absolutely NO ONE should EVER feel obligated to out themselves when they don’t want to.

Because I don’t care how progressive your city/community is or how cool your family is or how rich you are, coming out as queer will change your life. It will change how people talk to you, how they treat you, how your family treats you, how your co-workers treat you, where you can live, what sorts of jobs you can take, how SAFE you are from day to day, it will change EVERYTHING. And sure, some of those changes might be for the better, and if you’re really lucky there might not even be that many changes at all, but it still will change things and even potentially put your life in danger, and you have a right to look at all that and say “no thanks”. Not now, not to these people, not to my family, not to my co-workers, not to the strangers around me, maybe not ever to anyone at all. That is a choice that every single queer person has the right to make and no one, ESPECIALLY OTHER QUEER PEOPLE, should get to take that choice away from us.

Like argh this is part of why I’m so defensive of ‘Love, Simon’, as sanitized and imperfect as it is. The part of the film where Simon gets outed to the ENTIRE SCHOOL against his will is so painful and honest because if you have ever had the choice of when and where and who to come out to taken away from you you then KNOW that pain. It’s horrible and humiliating and terrifying and no one should EVER have to go through that. And that’s also why it enrages me that the author of the books FELT THE NEED TO OUT HERSELF AS BISEXUAL WHEN SHE WASN’T READY TO GET THE PEOPLE SAYING SHE WAS WRONG TO WRITE STORIES ABOUT QUEER PEOPLE WHEN SHE WAS “STRAIGHT” OFF HER BACK. God, if that doesn’t piss you off I don’t even know what to say.

(And it’s ALSO why I hate people speculating about what internet celebs might be gay or trans eggs or whatever like fucking christ just leave people ALONE.)

Yes, I get wanting there to be more queer people. I get wanting famous people you like to be queer too. I think someone coming out is something to celebrate! It can be beautiful and empowering and validating, it can help other people come to terms with their own identities, especially if the person is famous, but coming out is never really all positives. It won’t magically make your life perfect, it always comes with losses, with dangers, with changes, and we need to remember that before we come for another “straight” actor until they out themselves to get us to leave them alone.

Being openly queer is personal and life-changing and DANGEROUS and coming out is an incredibly personal choice that should always be left to the person in question. You are not owed someone’s sexuality or gender identity. No one is obligated to tell you, or anyone, that. There are LOADS of times when being openly queer is dangerous and scary and it’s normal to want to keep yourself safe if you can. Maybe we do hide in the closet sometimes, but not from ourselves, we’re taking refuge because we live in a world that isn’t made for us, full of people that hate us and will treat us differently, and if we aren’t ready to step outside of it WE DON’T HAVE TO.

No one owes you anything, so leave other people the fuck alone.

- Signed, A queer person who is going to have to hide every aspect of her sexuality and gender identity when she drops off her ballot this year because she lives in a hell state that says armed independent "observers" are allowed to hang out at ballot drop boxes and intimidate anyone who looks like they might vote against the candidate saying she wants to round queer people up and put them in camps.

[deathmetalunicorn1]

Pokemon Scarlet Character Thoughts: Overall Gameplay and Rivals

After playing Pokemon Scarlet for the last few weeks, and after completing all story lines, I wanted to share my thoughts on the characters in this enjoyable game via GIFs, photos, and my own brainrot thoughts.

Overall Gameplay

The glitches everyone has experienced were annoying, but some were quite funny, my Koradion would disappear while I was riding it sometimes and if I was too close to slopes or mountains, they would look like the earth was shifting in a major landslide.

I did however love the open world concept, I learned quickly about the areas with the different levels of wild Pokemon and trainers, after I had my ass handed to me multiple times. The variety of the landscape around Paldea was enjoyable, from the rolling fields, mountains, icy tundra, deserts, the beach and so much more, made it enjoyable and not at all static. I especially enjoyed hunting around for Pokeballs, TMs, and sparkly goods on the ground.

This game differed by including the school with actual lessons and a range of characters as well. Most of the things taught (Pokemon wise) I knew as I’ve been playing it for years, but it was still enjoyable. I did not like that we’re all stuck in school uniforms for the whole game, yes there are 4 different types, but it’s still a school uniform. I did appreciate that we could change our shoes, socks/stockings, bags, hats, and glasses, as it was fun to dress up, I just wish there was more variety as far as the uniforms went if we were going to be stuck in them for the whole of the game.

The picnic feature was similar to the camping feature in Sword and Shield, which was fun as you can bathe, talk to, and play with your Pokemon. However, the best part was making sammichs!!

Nemona

Her battle obsession turned me off to begin with, but as the story progressed and I was able to learn more about her character, she easily became one of my favorites. I feel a connection with her after we learned that she doesn’t see herself as ‘gifted’ like the other students seem to believe, she was very passionate about battling and gave it her all through hard work. I was like this when I was younger, as I had a very high reading level for my age (when I was 8-10) and everyone thought I was ‘gifted’ but I just did it for fun. Nemona is 10/10 someone I would be friends with.

Arven

Oh, my sweet baby boy, how I hated you when we first met, you were rude to me and acted like a total ass wipe.

HOW WRONG I WAS!!!

This baby boy is hands down my favorite character in this game! He is a complexly written character with (deserved) mommy/daddy issues, dealing with their abandonment in favor of their work and having to grow up learning to take care of himself because they weren’t. Playing through the different story lines was fun, but his was the most enjoyable, especially when I learned why he was the way he was.

I UGLY cried when I learned the reasoning behind his mission to hunt down the Herba Mystica, after the first titan I saw him talking to someone after I left, and I thought he was being sus, but after the second titan and we met his Mabostiff, I, honest to God and chocolate, ugly cried so hard my mom yelled at me, and come to find out my sister saw it first in her game and didn’t tell me because she knew how I was going to react! After the defeat of the fifth and final titan, I was ready to throw hands with Nintendo and Gamefreak with the cut scene after the last sandwich when it made it look like Mabostiff wasn’t going to make it. This was in part 2 of my ugly crying for at least 15 minutes started! Arven is a loveable dork and friend, I wouldn’t call him so much a rival compared to Namona, even though he is a strong trainer, I see him more as the best friend a girl could ever ask for.

Penny

Not going to lie, I absolutely adored her character design, her Eevee backpack is adorable, her shorts with the sheer skirt, baggy hoodie, and overall aesthetic, she’s adorable! I enjoyed seeing her throughout the game and adored seeing her and Koradion interact, but I was a bit disappointed when she didn’t seem to play a big part of the story line, or so I thought!

Spoilers: Boy, when I found out that she was Cassiopeia and the original founder of Team Star, now working to disband it, I was stunned! Playing the Team Star story was enjoyable, it wasn’t one dimensional like other villains in past games, it showed us the reasoning behind Team Star’s founding and what their overall goal was, and I was pissed that they were made out to be the bad guys after they stood up to their bullies. She was just trying to help her friends, and their interactions with each other is adorable. I also find it hysterical that she was able to hack the Pokemon League and made it seem like it was easy. I love her team of Veevee’s, which is one of my favorite challenges to give to myself, getting a team of only Eevee evolutions, and she is decently strong, but her team is pretty easy to defeat if you know your type matchups.

[abbatoirablaze]

Tig's Daughter, Chapter 6

Word Count:  2.7k

Warnings:  slight angst, slut shaming. 

Tig’s POV

"Mr. Trager?"

"This is him."

"Hi, my name is Ms. Lewis. I'm the guidance counselor at Charming High school. I'm calling about your daughter, Alexis Trager."

"She okay?" I asked, pushing one of the girls off me, "did something happen?"

I threw on my boxers and jeans and listened to the shuffling on the other side of the line, "No. No, she's fine. Well. Not academically speaking b-"

"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked, “not academically speaking?  What the fuck does that mean?”

"Mr. Trager, please refrain from cursing at me."

"Shit," I muttered, walking through the tribe's clubhouse so that I could get outside, "sorry. What do you mean that she's not doing fine academically? School's only been in session less than two months. She's only, what, five weeks in?"

"That's just it, Mr. Trager. We are only five weeks into the school year and Alexis is showing some troubling patterns."

"Troubling patterns?"

"Yes sir," she replied, "she's been cutting classes. Showing up late. Leaving the school grounds early. We wanted to know if you were aware of this behavior?"

"No," I growled, "Alexis should be in school. She gets dropped off every morning and picked up every afternoon. How could she be coming in late and leaving early?"

"Well, we've had our school security look at the footage and it appears that Miss. Trager sometimes makes it seem like she's gone into the building when she hasn't. Or she'll come into the building before school lets out for the day, so it looks like she's been here."

"I'm gonna kill her."

"Mr. Trag-"

"Shit," I cursed, "It's an expression. I won't kill her. I won't harm her. I just-I can't believe that she would do this."

"Mr. Trager, I understand completely," the woman on the other side of the line sighed, "we have some other students that come from troubled homes-"

"Alexis isn't from a troubled home."

"Sorry sir I didn't-"

"Okay, maybe she is," I sighed, cutting the woman off, "her mother cheated on me a lot when she was little. Took her to Northern Cali. I finally just got her back...but she forced her to get under the table jobs and drop out of school for periods of time. I'm trying to get her into the habit of being a kid again, but I honestly have no idea what the hell I'm doing."

"If you're interested, Mr. Trager, I'd be happy to set up counseling sessions with her once a week during her free periods," she offered, "and I can set up a meeting with you either over the phone or in person to discuss her progress every month. There's a list of things we could do to get Alexis back on track."

"Whatever you think is gonna help her," I sighed, rubbing the back of my neck, "she can't get expelled from school."

"It's refreshing to hear that from a parent," the woman replied over the line, "honestly when I make these calls, a lot of parents blame the school. They ignore that their child is really making a call for help with these types of situations."

"I want to be there for her," I explained to the woman, "whatever we need to do. I'm on board."

"Excellent," she said enthusiastically, "how about I give you a call in a week and we can set up a conference?"

"Great. Thank you."

She told me to have a great day and the line went dead.

"Who was that?"

"None of your damn business."

Juice rolled his eyes at me and started walking back into the clubhouse muttering 'prick.'

"You okay brother?"

"I gotta ride back with you guys," I told Clay, "that was Alex's school. She's been cutting classes."

"Shit."

"That cool?"

"That's fine," Clay nodded, "Jax left a little while ago, but we're probably gonna leave in an hour. Should make it home before dark."

"Sounds good," I nodded to Clay, "I'll see if Jury and his guys need anything else from us before we leave."

"Sounds good."

The following hours went quickly. I found myself wondering all kinds of shit during the ride, and it really took me away from time. Before I knew it, we were pulling back in to TM.

Jax and Hap were nowhere to be seen. The shop was already closed, and no one was at the clubhouse.

While the rest of the guys started to unwind, I went to Lexi's room. She was sitting there on her bed, reading from a textbook.

"I got a call from the school today."

"Well hello to you too, stranger," she laughed, ignoring my entrance, "how was your trip?"

"Was good," I smiled, sitting on the bed. Then I gave her a serious look as I put my cell phone in front of her, "until I got a call from the school saying you've been skipping classes, going in late, and leaving early."

"I can explain," she said nervously, “I-“

"No, there's no explaining that," I growled, "we made a deal. You were to go back to school. You were to get your high school diploma. Why the hell are you skipping, huh?"

"Dad I-"

"There isn't a good enough reason that you're skipping," I all but yelled at her, "are you even doing schoolwork? Or are you making it seem like you are so that no one gets suspicious? What the hell are you doing, Alexis?"

"I'm really doing schoolwork dad," she said loudly. She went over to her backpack and poured it on her desk, "see how much shit I'm dealing with? I called off work so I could get it all done this weekend."

"That can't be from one day, Alex," I yelled, walking over and looking at it. I saw a second backpack sitting next to her desk. I grabbed it and went to unzip it, "IS THIS FULL OF CLASS WORK TOO?"

"No," she yelled, running for her backpack, "Dad put that down."

"Oh, is this what you're doing instead of school?" I yelled. She continued to try to get the backpack out of my hands, but the only thing that she managed to do was tear the zipper. The bag ripped and out fell a bunch of ones, some papers, some clothes, and a badge, "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS, ALEXIS?"

"Dad-"

"This bullshit!" I yelled, picking the badge up. It was a glittery, shiny piece of shit in a lanyard that said Alexis Smith, and the name at the top read 'Blush'. "THIS IS A FUCKING STRIP CLUB!"

"Dad I c-"

"Are you a god damned stripper?"

"Dad-"

Before she could get any more lies out of her mouth I stormed out of her room and locked the door.

"YOUR FUCKING GROUNDED!" I yelled through the door, "AND WHEN I GET BACK, YOUR SCHOOL WORK BETTER BE FUCKING DONE OR SO HELP ME GOD, I'LL PUT YOU THROUGH A FUCKING WALL!"

I stormed down the hall and towards the bike.

"Where you going brother?" Chibs asked.

"What's going on?"

I ran at half-sack. Pinning him to the wall, I threw the id badge on the counter beside him, "DID YOU FUCKING KNOW ABOUT THIS?"

"What?"

"DID YOU FUCKING KNOW?"

"Know what?"

"Put the prospect down," Clay ordered, “what are you doing, Tig?”

"What are ye doin brother?"

"MY WHORE OF A DAUGHTER'S AFTER SCHOOL JOB IS AS A GOD DAMN STRIPPER," I yelled to my brothers. Then I turned to sack again, who I still had pinned against the wall, " MY FRESHLY EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD DAUGTHER. DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS SHIT? DID YOU ENCOURAGE IT SO YOU COULD SCAM ON MY DAUGHTER, YOU FUCKING PERVERT?"

"Shit, no, Tig I swear!" Sack replied, "I didn't know. She told me she worked at a diner. I'd always pick her up at a diner."

I dropped the prospect, and grabbed the badge again.

"Where are you going?"

"Going to fucking beat the shit out of whichever pervert employed my kid as a god damned stripper," I growled, "Alexis is locked in her room until I get back. None of you let her out."

The response was the same as half sack. The strip club manager swore up and down that he didn't know that Alex was a kid still in school. He promised that she was done, and that if he saw her again he'd call me, but I didn't believe the fucking rat.

One of the girls told me that they knew her pretty well. Said that she stopped stripping a week ago and made the transition over to a bartender when she met a guy.

When I asked about the guy the girls got giggly.

Some tan guy. Tattoos. Quiet. Always wore dark clothing and only ever tipped her. None of them knew his name. They only knew that she liked him enough to make the switch from stripper to bartender.  

Half Sack’s POV

"Hey."

I looked up to see her walking towards me. She was in a simple pair of jeans and rock tee, but she made me forget what I was doing.  I smiled, "Hey."

"Cleaning up?"

I nodded, "yeah."

"You okay?"

She came into the shop and sat down on one of the stools next to the work bench, "I don't think that's a question I can answer right now."

"What happened?" she asked cautiously. 

"I can't talk about it," I replied, "its club shit." 

"Oh," she said quietly.  I watched her bite her lip and look away from me, "Have you seen my dad?"

"He's out running some errands."

She nodded, leaving it at that and continued to watch me as I finished up in pushing all the water out the door and into the drain.

"He won't talk to me, you know."

"I shouldn't even be talking to you," I admitted, staring at the squeegee. I put it down beside the bay, "Your dad is pissed.  Really pissed.  You fucked up Alex." 

"I know." 

why would you do something like that?"

"Lie to my dad?"

"No," I sighed, shaking my head, "you are so much more than some stripper. I don't know why you would put yourself in that same category.  Why would you bother doing something like that, huh?"

"I needed to make money for dad and I," she replied quietly, "it was the only real thing I could think of. None of the diners or movie theaters were hiring. And Charming doesn't exactly have big corporations like Micky D's or a Starbucks or a Shake Shack around here."

"But Lexi."

"Listen," she sighed, shaking her head, "If you're just gonna yell at me like my dad did then treat me like some garbage human being, I don't want to hear it, Kip."

"I'm not gonna yell at you," I replied quietly, "I just can't see why you'd do it.  You could do anything you wanted, and you chose to do that.”

"My dad barely gets by with what he makes as a mechanic here," she responded. She kicked at the small puddle to her right, "and what he makes doing shit for the club...that goes to fines and shit. We can't afford a place on our own unless I help out."

"You shouldn't have to."

"That's what he said," she scoffed, "but I can't just sit here and pretend that everything is okay. I mean, hell. What happens when he goes back to jail? I'm only eighteen. I feel like CYS would be barreling down the door the second they cuffed him.  I know I’m legally an adult and all, but I don’t know anything about the outside world.  I’ve never had to face it.  And I don’t know if I can do it on my own."

"And you think getting a place outside of here will change that?"

"No," she sighed. She ran a hand through her hair, and it landed on her neck. She closed her eyes and looked away from me, "you wouldn't understand."

"You don't know that."

She laughed, "trust me. You wouldn't. You just see me as some annoying kid that doesn't know shit. You probably think I was being some greedy brat when I got that job."

"No, I thought you were giving yourself very low standards," I admitted, “you’re way better than just being a stripper.”

"What else can I do, huh Kip?"

"You could have asked Gemma for a job. I know that she doesn't like being here in the evenings," I offered, "I know every single one of us guys would pick you up from school and take you here."

"That's just so you'll know what I'm doing and where I'm at."

"You sound like you have a problem with being around all of us."

"I don't..."

"Well, it feels like it," I admitted to her. I walked over and sat on the stool next to her, "you haven't talked to any of us since your dad grounded you."

"He's doing a shit job of that by the way," she laughed, "he forgot to pick me up from the bullshit counselor. I just walked home.  I literally could have gone anywhere."

"Shit," I gasped, feeling like the biggest asshole ever, "why didn't you call me?"

"I don't have a cell phone, genius," she laughed, "remember, dad took it away when he grounded me...I don't have anyone's number memorized."

"And your counselor didn't offer to drive you?"

"No," she shrugged, "but I'm used to it. My mom didn't give a shit about me. Just wanted to tear me away from my dad...and as it turns out, my dad is a pretty shit parent too."

"Hey.  He tries."

"I guess," she shrugged, "I mean, he did threaten the club. They fired me. Said if they found I was trying to strip anywhere else they'd call the cops. Guess my fake ID is burned."

"That's probably for the best."

She sighed.

"You know, when I was your age, I tried to sign up for the military early," I laughed, "got all the way through basic before they found out my ID was a fake. Almost court martialed me."

"You got a fake ID to go to war early," she giggled, "who does that."

"I do," I smiled, proud of my past accomplishment, "My dad kicked my ass when I got home, but after a year of begging they let me apply at seventeen and a half."

"You are something else, Eddie," she whispered.  My eyes caught on to hers, and I felt the strongest urge to just lean forward and kiss her.  Her eyes fluttered slowly, and I felt my breath hitch, “Kip…”

"Yeah," I smiled, feeling almost breathless, “What is it, Lexi?”

“I-I” she began.  But she cut herself off, “it-s nothing.  I’m sorry…finish your story about the military.”

I sighed, "well, I  travelled halfway around the world and a few years later I'm coming back with a purple heart because my balls got blown to bits."

"Hell of a journey," she giggled, trying to add onto the topic of conversation, “that’s wild.”

"Yeah," I laughed, "I guess."

"But at least your okay," she smiled, "I mean, you are okay, right?"

"Yeah," I laughed, "but I'm out for good. Apparently one ball means I couldn't go back for another tour of duty."

We both shared in the laughter of my misfortune for a few seconds. When it died down, I felt her hand on my thigh, "I'm glad I have you in my life though, Eddie."

"I'm glad you're in mine," I admitted, putting my hand over her own. I squeezed it softly, and she turned her hand around so that I could hold it, "you know, I never thought of it until now, but maybe it was a good thing I got hit...because if I hadn't I was gonna take another tour."

"It may sound mean, but I'm glad you got injured."

I looked into her eyes and smiled.

My problems didn't seem so big anymore.

My issues didn't seem important.

What was, was the fact that I was holding her hand in the garage. The two of us sharing in a peaceful moment.  Enjoying the here and now.

"Hey Eddie?"

"Yeah?"

"Kiss me already, would you?" 

Chapter 7

[birlwrites]

I was reading ur tags on your post about how sometimes the marauders (usually James or Sirius) are sometimes watching regulus do he devious little plots under the invisibility cloak with complete bafflement and misinterpreting all of it (them thinking he’s making moves on Lily is,,, delightful *chefs kiss), BUT you said that it doesn’t always come across in Reg’s POV, so perhaps…. If it pleases the court… you could maybe write a collection of one shots and snippets of marauder POV spying on Reg? It’s extra work (which u r no means obligated to do, this is just a thought) but it would be interesting to see the other side of things as events(tm) are unfolding.

Either way it is fully up to you, and just want to say I love how deeply intrenched your stories are with world building and how in your works even side/off-screen characters affecting the progression of the story for their own motivations.

Love you, keep up the work—take care of yourself 💜

literally every time i think about the marauders (or actually really mainly sirius) concluding that something is going on between regulus and lily i start laughing. sirius would be so appalled and also just SO CONFUSED and definitely be like 'lily wtf i thought you had standards'

(although, sirius will conclude, she WAS friends with snape for years. so like?????? what if she just likes slytherins??????? oh god james will be BROKEN on like every level by this, holy shit, sirius can NEVER TELL HIM--)

(james, casually looking at the marauders' map one night, as one does, letting his gaze fall on the astronomy tower: what the FUCK--)

i digress. anyway

extra stuff in that universe falls into the category of writing for me which is 'i might do it if inspiration strikes, but it's not something i'm going to ~formally work on~' - a lot of my 'side projects,' such as they are, are in different universes from atfhv because then i can switch up genre and style to shake up my brain. stuff like something sweeter that is in the atfhv universe tends to be a 48-hour fever dream in which i have an idea and then suddenly i have something new posted on ao3 - it's not something i really do with intention sfjlshglksfhk

that being said, i'm totally open to other people writing that sort of thing - i don't want to be the only person playing in the sandbox sjflkhsgkdfjhskj, so if you want to do more with this concept or other stuff inspired by ttdl, go for it! (as my list of works on ao3 should prove, i'm more than fine with covering the same concept more than once sjlsghkfj, so this applies even if i or someone else does write something)

[qqueenofhades]

Okay, y'all. Time to do this one more time. Let the fact that there are so many of these posts right now reinforce the point. Many of you already know this, and I see and love you, but for anyone still ~undecided about their choice, should they be an American citizen of voting age on November 3, 2020:

Time to not be. It was time a long, long while ago, but I am going to have to say it again.

Primary season is over. The endless fine-tooth combing of candidates' policies and positions is over. We are all deeply well aware that the candidates on the Democratic ticket, being human beings and establishment politicians, are flawed. "BUT WHAT ABOUT THIS POSITION FROM 19/ 20-WHENEVER AS JUSTIFICATION FOR WHY IT'S TERRIBLE TO VOTE FOR -- "

No. Stop. Just stop. Stop threatening to hold the rest of us hostage, in the middle of a pandemic, the Great Depression, and racial inequality and protests on a scale not seen from the 1960s, because you did not get Barbie Dream Candidate. That is the behavior of terrorists and toddlers. If your supposedly enlightened morally pure ideology does not involve any action to mitigate the harm that is directly in front of you, it isn't worth a shit as an ideology actually devoted to helping people. If your approach to politics is to shout about how Pure your ideas are on twitter and tear down anyone working within a system of flawed choices to do the good that they can: you're not helping, and frankly, your constant threats to withhold your suffrage as a punishment to us aren't convincing the rest of us that we really need to listen to you or that you have anyone's best interests at heart. The Online Left TM is as much a vacuous, self-reinforcing noise chamber as the Online Right TM, and can sometimes tend to be even more dangerous.

I was saying this in 2016. A lot of us were saying this in 2016. I am just about to turn 32 years old and have been voting in federal elections for almost 15 years. For what it's worth.

This is not an ordinary election. This is not a contest between two flawed candidates who respect the system and want to work to enact their policies in the ordinary way. One is a flawed 90s era Democrat who nonetheless has already been pushed CONSIDERABLY left in his policies and platforms since the end of the primaries (and his existing platform would already make him the most left president elected, even more than Obama). The other is a fascist dictator who has openly spoken about refusing to accept the election results, his desire to abolish term limits and serve for life, and complete the pillaging of any remaining fragile American public funds for him and his cult of cronies. He does not respect the system. He does not want to do anything for anyone that is not himself. 160,000 and counting needless deaths of American citizens have already happened. Will keep happening.

This is the last time Trump has to face voters. This is the last chance the country has to repudiate his entire poisonous ideology and its marching Nazi minions. IF he steps aside, which is already far from guaranteed, he can ride off into the sunset as a vindicated two term president and probably be rehabilitated like George W. Bush was within a few years of leaving office. American political memory is very short. It will happen. Again, if he even leaves.

RBG is 87 and has cancer again. She will NOT survive another four years. Stephen Breyer is 81. Their seats could both come up in the next four years. The Supreme Court could be a right wing rubber stamp for whatever time we all have left before climate change and coronavirus kill us all.

"But if people just thought for themselves and did their homework and didn't vote the party line like sheep, we could support a third party/write in -- " Stop. Just stop. Attend a ninth grade civics class and learn about how politics work in America. Yes, the two-party system sucks. Yes, the Electoral College is a hot steaming pile of absolute bullshit. Magical unicorn fairy dust fantasies WILL NOT change that.

Do not vote for Kanye (who has pretty much openly admitted he is trying to play spoiler to Biden on behalf of his buddy Trump). Do not vote for godforsaken fucking Gary Johnson or Jill Stein who appear on ballots just to give sanctimonious leftists the illusion of virtue-signaling. If you want any chance of fixing the mess that 2020 has left America and the world in, you need to vote for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. The end.

Biden is a flawed old man who was our last choice, sure. He is also a distinguished public servant who has already been in the White House for eight years under Obama and thus we KNOW what to expect. He is an empathetic man who connects with people's personal tragedy and picked as his running mate a younger Black/biracial woman who directly confronted and called him out on past behavior. While the pundit class was simpering and whining about how it was Disrespectful and how could he consider her, Biden did so, and that speaks well to me of the fact that he is willing to learn, to take criticism, and not just accept it from a former Black female rival, but make her his second in command and the potential first female president of the United States.

Can you EVER picture Trump doing that? Not in eight thousand million years.

As for Kamala, we are all aware of her previous checkered history as a prosecutor (and even then, she did plenty of good things as well!). Since joining the Senate, however, she has consistently become one of its most progressive members. She is the co-sponsor of an economic aid package designed to give every American $2,000/month, backdated to March (the start of the coronavirus pandemic) and continuing at least a few months after its end. A Biden-Harris White House could make that happen. Especially if they are put into office with a Democratic House and Senate (for the love of God, Kentucky, kill Mitch McConnell with fire). That is just one example.

Harris's nomination is obviously historic. And Biden didn't choose another Biden (or another Tim Kaine, the blandest white man imaginable). He chose another Obama: a younger rising star of an immigrant background, a person of color, a former lawyer and someone who represents the diversity of the country that the white supremacists and the Cheeto in Chief have tried to paint as its worst and most degenerate evil.

A vote for Biden and Harris means getting rid not just of Trump, but Mike Pence, Vladimir Putin, Jared Kushner, Betsy Devos, the Trump crony destroying the Postal Service, the rampant coronavirus misinformation and bullshit, the destruction of Social Security and Medicare, the spread of Nazi propaganda from the President's twitter account, the likely two Supreme Court picks that would be as bad as Brett Kavanaugh or worse... on and on. Biden and Harris would be elected by progressive voters and thus answerable to them in 2022 midterms and 2024 general. They can both be, and already have been, pushed further left. They are reasonable and competent adults who have demonstrated experience and compassion. I KNOW about their flaws and past actions I don't agree with. But I'm frankly done with any more counterproductive straw man bitching about This One Bad Thing They Did and how it makes it a terribad awful choice to vote for them. Open your eyes. Look at the alternative. LOOK AT WHAT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED AND THE FACT THAT THIS IS NOT EVEN AS BAD AS IT COULD STILL GET.

Check your registration or register at vote.gov.

DO NOT LOOK AT POLLS AND DECIDE "EH BIDEN IS CLEARLY GOING TO WIN, I DON'T NEED TO VOTE." THAT IS HOW WE LOST LAST TIME.

Unseating incumbents is HARD. It is even harder when the other side has openly laid out their plan to cheat in great detail, and there is nothing really stopping them from doing it. The only thing, in fact, is massive, unfalsifiable results on an undeniable scale.

So:

Vote.

Vote for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris.

Thanks a lot.

[thebreakfastgenie]

I've been holding off on making this post because I think this website is not ready for this conversation TM, but with the ""cryptoterf"" discourse going on I think maybe it could be valuable.

Crypto psyops are not how TERFs recruit. They don't need them, because mainstream progressive tumblr does it for them. Asking questions on libfem tumblr is seen as tantamount to questioning tumblr libfem orthodoxy (a phrase which I cannot believe I have just coined but I am going to be using repeatedly) which is utterly unacceptable. Actually disagreeing or just having a more nuanced opinion about specific issues is completely out of the question. Tumblr libfem orthodoxy is infamously pro makeup, pro traditional (western) femininity, pro kink, sex positive, etc. If you're a woman interested in feminism and you're looking for a criticism of makeup, the easiest place to find it is terfblr. Radical feminists' ideas about makeup are not inextricable from their other beliefs. You can agree with radical feminists about makeup without being a radical feminist. But in tumblr libfem orthodoxy, anything connected to radical feminism is wrong, so it can't be mentioned or discussed.

Even more broadly than liberal feminism, misogyny is a huge problem on the left, and not one progressive spaces are always great at dealing with. A lot of women are just looking for someone to validate their personal experiences with sexism and say "yes, this happened to you and no it wasn't okay." TERFs will do that. They say "come here, honey. We're the only ones who believe misogyny is real. Stick with us, we'll accept you as you are." They also like to talk a big game about thinking critically and forming your own opinions, although if you actually spend five minutes looking at terfblr you'll see they're just as bad as tumblr libfems when it comes to upholding their orthodoxy. But if you're fleeing a frustrating space that shouts down your attempts to talk about your own oppression you might be inclined to believe them.

All of this coupled with tumblr's dehumanizing "listen to marginalized voices, ignore that marginalized people are individuals with different opinions and experiences and some of them are even incorrect" mentality creates a situation where it's very difficult to disagree with certain people about anything. So a cis woman might disagree with a trans person and be told she's not allowed to speak because she's "speaking over" a marginalized trans person's voice (even if the conversation is not even about trans issues!) which is only going to make her more receptive to TERFs telling her that Big Trans TM and their global conspiracy control everything because they can never be criticized. (And the first part of this happens to trans people too. How many trans people have gotten called transphobic/TERFs when they disagreed with other trans people? A lot.)

It is ridiculously easy to get labeled a TERF on tumblr. Sometimes all it takes is an anonymous user sending someone a message that says "[username] is a TERF just thought you should know :/" with no evidence or specific claim whatsoever. Most people respond to this by going about their lives not caring what some anonymous troll thinks, but if it reaches a critical mass some people are going to say fuck it, I guess if everyone's going to call me a TERF anyway I better go check out terfblr! And then they go over there and TERFs say hey, you know misogyny? We know the logical thing to do is blame cis men for that, but we think it would be cool and fun to blame trans women instead! And previously normal people say, well, at least they think misogyny is real, maybe they're right about this too.

The point of this is not to excuse anyone for actually holding transphobic beliefs or acting in ways that are harmful to trans people, nor is it to resolve anyone of responsibility for their own actions. The purpose is simply the examine the ways in which a misogynistic, unproductive social justice culture steers women towards terfblr as an alternative.

[script-nef]

Dating headcanons (ii)

Characters: Hinata, Kuroo, Sakusa, Semi

Category: fluff

Hinata Shouyou

Did you ask for energy and sunshine? Because he’s right here!

Waits for you at the front gate of the school and runs to hugs you as soon as you're in his line of sight

“GOOD MORNING [NAME]!!” even if the weather is terrible

If you're shorter than him, he loves that you fit into his embrace

If you're taller than him, he loves that he fits into your embrace

Either way, Hinata will love you to the sun and back, no matter what

Can't kiss because you did that once after a match, on the cheek, and Hinata.exe stopped working

Blushes even with hand holding and gets teased by all his friends

But you can't feel any neglect or doubts of his affection towards you

Chatters your ear off while walking you back to your house 

Gives you a call when he arrives at his, and calls again before going to sleep

Begs you to help him with his studies because he needs to pass in order to go to his matches

Tries to teach you volleyball (Kageyama screamed “You’re not even good at volleyball, how can you teach others?!”)

Gives you his first kiss (on the lips) when he's leaving for Brazil, promising to call you every day and update you on his well-being

Always searches for you in his matches and swears he can hear your cheering over everyone else's

Loves pre and post-match hugs/kisses, delighted when you ruffle his hair

Mentions you constantly in everything; from interviews to SNS posts to chat groups

His comment section is filled with “Relationship goals” and “EVERYONE NEEDS A HINATA WHERE CAN I BUY ONE”

Everyone's waiting for him to announce his engagement to you

Kuroo Tetsurou

Was so anxious when asking you out

His face would be cool and relaxed but he’s sweating on his back

Makes tons of lame jokes and tries to be suave but isn’t

You laugh whenever someone describes him as a sex god

When in reality he’s the dorkiest nerd with the biggest heart

Constant physical contact and messages: back hugs, hand holding, cheek kisses

*John Mulaney’s voice* You want hugs? Go get ‘em!

Clings onto your back, despite being taller, after matches and practises

Moans about how his arms are aching and can’t move, forcing you to feed him honey-soaked lemons and snacks

All his teammates boo at the PDA but he makes it clear he’s ignoring them

Sends photos of cats and weird facts he learnt in class

Offers to tutor you (college/uni prep class flex) and asks for kisses in payment

Tickle fights are common and you know each other’s weak points

Refuses to leave you alone in the house and waits until a family member is home

Make him bentos and little snacks to eat after practise

Always sends messages about how tasty it was

Once got drunk and cried while calling you, saying how much of a blessing you are

It went on for 20 minutes and you recorded all of it (he smirked and said “well, it just proves that you have an incredibly loving boyfriend!” and yeah, you do)

Went to a cultural festival together and he tried to win everything you asked for

Didn't get all of it but it was really sweet how hard he tried

Kissed when the fireworks went off and promised to cherish and love you forever

Sakusa Kiyoomi

You try to understand his cleaning habits

He once gave you a lecture on the importance of masks and sanitisers. For 2 hours

He stated before you started dating that he’ll only hold your hand if you wash/sanitise it first

So he keeps buying cleaning products for you

And every Sunday is reserved for a full house cleaning

But besides that, he’s a very doting and loving boyfriend

Secretly has you as his phone background and keeps every present you give him

Is willing to buy anything you want, even if you mention it in passing

He has a lot of money to spare (*cough* div. 1 pro athlete *cough*)

Constantly messaging and video-calling during breaks and transport

Has once thought about recording your calls so he can listen to your voice when sleeping  while he’s away for matches

Snaps at his teammates when they try to talk to you

Insists on cooking at home because he can’t trust restaurant hygiene

Is amazing at cooking/baking and will constantly spoil you

Makes sure it’s nutritionally balanced so that you’ll be healthy

Washes your hair when you come back home wiped out

You come to cheer him on in his matches, from high school to his pro career

He gets energised if he hears your voice, even if it’s nearly drowned out by other people’s

Hugs after showering and changing

Little penguin waddles as you fit into his embrace (wow damn he’s 189-192)

He sometimes comes to pick you up from work looking like a model

Holds your hand while driving

Gets furious if tabloids or reporters takes photos of you

His anger can only be settled by soft kisses and cuddles

He especially likes it when you kiss the moles on his forehead

Semi Eita

He spends a lot of his time in recording studios and practices

You sometimes come over with food and drinks

He lets you listen to demo tapes and beats in progress

Makes songs and MVs as surprise presents (Serenades are also common)

One of his most popular unofficial songs is the one for your 3rd anniversary with him

Teaches you instruments and rewards you with kisses and hugs

Once asked if you could sing for him and he treasures the memory immensely (regrets how he didn’t take a video)

You guide him through his slumps and dark moments

He loves how supportive and positive you are

You cook breakfast since he always wakes up late and he cooks dinner just in time for your arrival from work

You cry when his band gets labelled as the most promising rookie group of the year

Always mentions you in concerts and online, just as "my other half"

Has tons of nicknames: my muse, love, heart, sweetheart, the light of my life (it’s getting cringey)

A certified SapTM, one of the very best

Loves lap pillows and melts when you comb through his hair with your fingers

Lets you cut his nails and paint them, always showing them off saying “My love is so good at everything, I adore them so much!”

Tells you about his high school years and his friends

Take a break from everyone and everything by going on camps and hikes

You inspire him so much, from his music to his life

He prayed for this relationship to last forever in his New Year’s shrine visit

[thebigqueer]

BILCO FANFIC - “The VSCO Demon”

Summary: Will is possessed with a VSCO demon that will turn him into the one and only Billiam Thabdrew Sksksolace, a VSCO girl.

Word Count: 3513

Note: This is my first writing on Tumblr so everyone sing happy birthday! also its terrible! also I GREATLY APPRECIATE FEEDBACK (but please give it to me gently cuz im a Sensitive Bitch TM) (if you even sound a little mean ill start crying)

ALSO: Credits to my online bff for Nico’s pet hyena, Bambi. (HI I LOVE YOU)

Nico knew something was wrong with Will.

He could tell that there was something always bothering him, hidden deep beneath that sunshiny facade he always seemed to use in front of other people. He was hiding something, and it seemed to be eating at him like a parasite. 

Nico’s suspicions began when he first noticed Will’s slight speech slipup. Will and Kayla were discussing the new demigods that were to move in soon, and Kayla let loose the fact that she was a little iffy about one of them. Will’s eyes had widened, showing off the blue of his eyes, and he said, “Anna oop-”

He clamped a hand over his mouth, but it was too late. He’d already said it. Nico didn’t know what it meant, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t nervous. (Was it some kind of prophetic power? Did Will just spew some words from a prophecy in a totally different language? Maybe Nico would ask Rachel later.) When Nico confronted him afterwards, Will just turned his head away and said he was going to head to sleep.

It wasn’t only his foreign phrases - it was also the stuff he bought. On their dates to New York City, Will would slink him and Nico away to a store and buy something. Sometimes it would be an oversized T-shirt, other times it would be scrunchies, and one time he even bought a gigantic water bottle. (“It’s called a Hydroflask,” Will told him.)

Will was scary in those moments. His eyes would get big as he eyed all his new items, and his hands would tap furiously on the wooden counters while he waited. Nico wasn’t sure what this meant, but it seemed that Will was going through something. Something terrible. 

And the moment they got back, Will would start immediately sobbing. Nico would literally have to hold him from falling face down on the ground because of how hard he would be weeping. He’d cry, “It’s not happening, it’s not happening! I can’t become VSCO!” 

All Nico was able to do was watch his golden boyfriend sob in his arms, unable to help, unable to understand.

It wasn’t until a late day in November when Nico found out what his boyfriend was hiding from him. Will had been antsy all breakfast, avoiding Nico’s eyes like it was the coronavirus; Nico knew that he wasn’t the only one who noticed - Kayla and Austin had given him furtive, sympathetic glances. Nico’s heart pounded in his chest, anxiety spiking his pulse and chilling him down to the bone. 

Nico couldn’t help but to wonder, Is he going to break up with me? 

Safe to say, his breakfast was ruined, and he pulled just a little away from Will. He didn’t miss the awkward looks he got from Kayla and Austin, nor did he miss Will’s slight flinch at the loss of contact between the boys.

After a silent breakfast, when everyone had left to start their daily activities, Nico stood to go. If Will didn’t want to talk to him, then fine. He’d manage that. 

But a warm hand clamped on his wrist, begging him to stay. Nico turned his face to Will’s, absorbing his golden features and the heavy vulnerability in those blue eyes. It hit Nico that whatever Will wanted from him, it wasn’t going to be good.

Nico sat back down carefully. Will’s pink lips were turned at the corners and, having a closer look at his face, Nico realized his eyes were puffy and red like he’d been crying.

Upon seeing his boyfriend’s expression, Nico reached out and touched Will’s tan face gingerly, brushing his own pale fingers through his golden locks. “Will,” he whispered, “what’s wrong? You’ve been so… so closed off from me. Is everything okay? And don’t lie this time, please. I’m serious.” 

Will opened and closed his mouth, then unlatched his eyes from Nico’s and closed them. He took a deep, shaky breath, as if gearing up for a long and tiring mission. Nico squeezed Will’s right hand - His baby hands, Nico thought ridiculously, all small and cute - and laced them together, squeezing lightly. A “Hey, I’m here for you” squeeze. 

Will turned his focus back on Nico, a small smile lacing the corners of his mouth, but not quite eradicating his internalized pain.

“Nico,” he began, “I… I have an issue.” Will’s freckled cheeks bloomed with bright red blotches and he sheepishly looked away again. 

Anticipation and anxiety gripped Nico like a vice and his breath hitched. “What’s wrong?” he asked, trying to tamper down his growing unease. He didn’t want to make Will feel more nervous than he already did.

Will swallowed, as if he was trying to keep down the words from ever appearing. Nico brushed his pale thumb over Will’s, hoping it would calm him a bit. A beat passed, and Will said, “I have this… demon inside me. It’s a terrible demon. I was possessed as a kid.”

“What?” asked Nico. “A demon? What do you mean?”

Will sighed shakily, his eyes focused on the floor. “It’s called a VSCO demon.” 

“Will…” Nico started, but he wasn’t sure what he would say. I’m sorry? That didn’t seem right, not at this moment. It seemed like Will wasn’t quite looking for pity. Instead, Nico opted to inquire more about this demon: “What exactly does the demon do? How much is it going to impact your life?” 

“Well… actually, it’s going to impact my life a lot. Essentially, it’ sgoing to make me a VSCO girl. You know what that is, right? I explained it to you.”

Nico nodded.

Will continued. “First, it’ll start off with more subtle things, like specific hand spasms.” Will demonstrated what he meant by bringing his right hand to his face and then turning to the side, then frowned. “There’s also some expressions that I might repeat a lot. Like… ‘anna oop-’, or ‘oooh, tea, sis!’ or ‘sksksksk.’” 

Nico watched Will’s expression as he said each phrase and his heart felt like it was being squished. Will looked like he was trying very hard not to let it take over him, let those stupid terms make him into a new person, but he was so exhausted. Nico touched his boyfriend’s face again. “I’m… sorry, Will. That’s terrible.”

Will nodded, but he didn’t seem to hear Nico. “When it gets worse, you’ll start noticing. I’ll be wearing oversized T-shirts, I think… scrunchies on my wrist, maybe.” He sighed again, but this time a small sob escaped from his lips too. When he looked up, Nico saw he had fresh tears glassing over his eyes. “I’m going to be carrying that stupid Hydro Flask with me forever, Nico. Forever.” 

That seemed to do it. In a matter of seconds, the floodgates of Will’s emotions had opened up and he was spilling everywhere. Nico pulled him close, despite not being much of a hugger, and drew small circles on his back. He felt Will’s tears soak through his T-shirt, but he didn’t seem to mind. In fact, he felt so heartbroken by Will’s emotions, he wanted to start crying himself.

But he had to keep it strong, for Will. Nico bit his lip to keep himself from letting out a few tears himself. 

After several moments, Will seemed to calm down enough to pull away from Nico, even though tears still ribboned down his cheeks like liquified crystals. He pulled a tissue from his sweatshirt pocket and blew his nose, honking like he was the goosiest of all geese.

“Anyway,” Will continued, sighing heavily. “I have to tell you something else.” He threw the snot-saturated tissue over his shoulder, where some poor sucker would have to pick it up themself and throw it out. Taking a deep breath (Nico swore he was just trying to steal all the oxygen out of the air now, probably trying to photosynthesize or something), Will pulled Nico’s hands to his chest. “When the demon takes over me, Nico, my alter ego will come out. I will not be able to control it. His name… is Billiam Thabdrew Sksksolace.”

Will paused dramatically, letting that name sink in.

“Oh, Will,” Nico said quietly, throwing his arms around his boyfriend. “Is there a cure to this? Can you fix it?”

Will rested his head in the space between Nico’s neck and shoulder. “No,” he answered, his voice muffled. “There isn’t. I just have to live with being a VSCO girl from now on.” Pulling away so that he was mere inches from Nico’s face, he asked: “Would you still love me, Nico? Even after I become… become Billiam?”

“Of course,” Nico exclaimed, not a moment of hesitation. “Of course! You are more than your stupid demon. You can be as much of a VSCO girl as you become, and I will always love you.”

Will’s face crumpled again and he pulled Nico tighter, so close Nico could almost swear his ribs were going to break. 

“Thank you, Nico. Thank you.” 

~~~

It was only a few weeks until the real changes started showing up. 

When Nico went into the Apollo cabin in the mornings, sometimes he’d see Will in an oversized T-shirt, waving around a metal straw with his baby hands, exclaiming, “OOOH THAT’S TEA!” whenever one of his siblings said something, or referring to himself as Bill Sksksolace when someone called him Will. 

Those spells wouldn’t last long, but it was still discerning. 

As the days progressed, it got worse. The spells wouldn’t last in just the morning - they’d appear in the afternoon, in the night time, and at nine in the afternoon. Nico would walk in on a conversation Will was having with another camper, and just when things seemed like they were going smoothly, Will would mutter: “SKSKSKSKSKSKSKSKSKSKSKS.” The camper would look at Will strangely, laugh a little, then leave. 

Nico would have to sit with Will and tell him that it was alright, that it’s just part of the course. He’ll be alright.

Despite the fact that things were getting worse, it didn’t bother Nico too much. He already knew it would happen sooner or later, so there was no point anticipating and being scared over it.

And yet, nothing would prepare him for the gut punch of when it really did happen. 

It was a morning like any other. The sun shone above the camp in brilliant golden rays, and the wind was windy (as wind is) and just perfect for a November day. Nico was hopeful today; maybe they’d go out to New York City, like old times. Try to get Will’s mind off his doomed fate.

Nico had an inkling something was wrong the moment he knocked on the cabin door. Maybe it was the shift in the wind, maybe it was anxiety, or maybe it was the fact that he heard people shouting, “PUT THAT METAL STRAW DOWN, WILL!” that made him nervous. Nevertheless, he waited outside. 

Kayla was the one to open the door. She looked exhausted, like she’d been running after someone all morning. When she realized it was Nico, her expression told Nico everything he needed to know. 

Nico stepped in tentatively, nervous about what he would find. 

And boy did he have every right to be nervous. Nothing could prepare him for what he was about to find.

Will had transformed. Like, completely transformed.

Gone were his golden curls. In place of them was a messy bun at the top of his head, wrapped with a purple scrunchie. If one scrunchie wasn’t enough, he had literal sleeves of them over his arms, all the way up to his elbow, of all kinds of nauseating and headache-inducing colors. On top of that, a knee-length T-shirt covered him from the shoulders to his thighs, and in his small baby hands was a Hydro Flask with a metal straw sticking out of it, which was currently sticking between his teeth.

Upon seeing Nico, his eyes widened and he offered him a bright smile. “Sksksksk!” Will exclaimed. “Oh my gods, it’s literally Nico!” He rushed towards his boyfriend with his arms wide, and just when Nico thought he was about to get a crushing bear hug, Will surprised him last minute by shoving twenty scrunchies into his hands as well as a metal straw. 

Nico looked at the treasure in his hands - Where the everloving fuck did he get so many? thought Nico - then back at Will, and again back at his treasure. Tears pricked at his eyes and his chest constricted, making it harder to breathe. “Will-” he began.

Will looked genuinely confused. “Who’s Will? I’m Billiam Sksksolace. And that’s the tea here today.”

“Right. Billiam.” Even saying the new name hurt him in ways Nico didn’t even think were imaginable. He placed a hand on Will’s - No, Bill’s, Nico reminded himself - cheek, tracing his lover’s freckles. “How are you feeling?”

“Anna oop-” Billiam said. “I feel fine, sksksk. Why?” He raised his eyebrows and leaned in, tilting his head for a second. “Is there tea?” 

Nico sobbed, his heart wrenching. Where was Will? “No, not at all.” He kissed Bill’s face. “Not at all.”

20 YEARS LATER…

Nico had successfully gone crazy.

He and Billiam had three kids. Each one blond. Each one young.

Each one just as VSCO as their dad. 

It was an endless cycle of “SKSKSKS” and “ANNA OOP-” and they had about fifty thousand metal straws strewn around their house. Their kids didn’t even wear pants anymore, just oversized T-shirts. They didn’t even have the demon - it was a Monkey See, Monkey Do situation. 

And Nico was done. He’d even developed a twitch in his eye. From the moment he got up in the morning to the moment he fell asleep at night, his mind swirled with unwanted expressions and metal straws in his eyes and Hydro Flasks on the table and oversized T-shirts strewn across the bed and he was positively done.

There was only one thing left to do. 

Nico grabbed the knife from the kitchen drawer. Then he turned to the onions on the cutting board and started chopping with rage. (It was his turn to make dinner tonight, and he hated every moment of it.)

But he had something to look forward to, and he had everything ready. 

Bill was home from work now, sitting in the living room and scrolling through Instagram. Nico watched him, thinking about that fatal day several years ago at Camp Half-Blood when everything had gone wrong for him. 

Well, Nico would fix that today.

“Bill,” Nico called, gritting his teeth. Calling his beloved William “Bill” still stung him, despite it having been years later. “It’s time for dinner. Call the kids.”

Bill stood from the couch and fixed his messy bun, then called, “Billiam, Jr.! Litpollo! Percy, Jr.! Time for dinner! Sksksk.” 

Nico made his way down the hall and opened the garage door, crying out to his pet hyena: “BAMBI! Come on, boy. Time for your yummy chinken dinner.”

Bambi growled and bounded into the building, turning towards the kids that had now come into the dining room. Bill eyed the oversized cat with scrutiny. “Bae, I think we need to tame that thing.”

Nico turned his head to look at his hyena. He shrugged. “Seems fine to me.”

“He’s gnawing on our child’s head.”

Nico eyed his kitty, who had its jaws around their child Litpollo’s head. “No he isn't,” Nico decided. “It’s just licking Litpollo's head. Litpollo just has a really tiny head.” 

Bill opened his mouth to protest, but Nico clapped his hands and exclaimed: “Time for dinner!” He offered Bill a dazzling smile. “And I have a surprise for you.”

Bill’s eyes widened and a smile of his own flashed across his face. “Sksksk. I’m excited. Yass queen.”

Nico’s eye twitched. “Yes, time for dinner.”

The family of five (including Bambi the Hyena, it was six) sat at the dinner table. (Yes, Bambi sat at a dinner table. Nico considered that quite domestic of Bambi). 

“Now, before we start, I have a little something for Bill.” Nico stood again and pulled out something from his pocket. Bill leaned in to look at it, and realization dawned on him. He hissed and jumped up from his chair. 

“Skskskskskkssksksksk!” he exclaimed. “That’s a cross. Why do you have that?” Just being in the presence of it seemed to make him antsy.

Nico offered him a dangerous smile. “Well, you see, Billiam, I became a priest online. I have a certificate and everything.” He tilted his head innocently and, with that smile still plastered onto his face, said, “I am here to eradicate the Demon of VSCO.” 

“No,” Bill said shakily, but his voice had changed. It was rougher, scratchier, a voice he wouldn’t have on any other normal day. “No, you can’t. You’ve been going behind my back this entire time? How dare you.” 

“I’m here to save you, Bill. Or should I say… William.”

“NO!” Bill screeched, picking up Litpollo and shielding his face with the child. “I REFUSE! SKSKSK!”

Nico only smiled wider, his dark eyes shining with fearsome mirth. Suddenly, the lights flickered on and off and a harsh wind blew across the room. Outside, clouds started gathering like they were ready for a shitshow to happen. Nico rose from the floor, the wind carrying his weight like he was lighter than paper. He held out the cross in front of him, showing it to Bill’s VSCO demon. Bill hissed, and his eyes starting glowing bright yellow, clearly aggravated by the cross. He dropped the child, who squeaked and ran off to eat his dry chinken dinner.

Nico’s own eyes had started glowing, but his were a bright red flash like he was about to shoot lasers. “BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME,” Nico exclaimed, his voice projecting outward and all around the house, “I PRONOUNCE THEE, VSCO DEMON, GONE.”

Nico slammed the cross against Bill’s chest, making steam circle and sizzle around Bill’s chest. The blond cried out in pain, but Nico ignored him. 

“BEGONE, THOT!” Nico thundered.

A big bang resonated between them, and Nico and Bill were both thrown across the room. Their children screamed, but all Nico could think about was Bill and whether or not he was back. Despite being disoriented, he sat upright and looked across the room. Billiam was thrown to the kitchen, and his messy bun had come undone. The scrunchies on his wrists were hissing and smoking, but otherwise he looked fine. 

Nico stood up slowly, keeping his hand on the wall for balance. “Will?” he said quietly. It was strange using that name after so many years, but it felt good. It felt comfortable.

Bill didn’t answer. Nico’s heart started racing.

He rushed to Bill’s side, checking his pulse and touching his face, making sure was alive. When he decided that he was alright, Nico let out a breath of relief. He shook Bill gently. “Will? Will, please, wake up. Tell me you’re okay.”

For a moment, all was silent. Nico’s children had even stopped screaming, but Nico wasn’t sure where they were or what they were doing. Right now, it was only about Billiam. 

Suddenly, Bill started coughing. He sat up a little straighter and coughed into his arm, and Nico patted is back in means of helping his partner. Bill stopped after a few moments, but his focus was only on the kitchen tiles.

Nico’s heart pounded in anticipation. Was Billiam gone? Was Will back? Goosebumps prickled his skin. 

“Will?” Nico asked. “Are you okay?”

Bill started laughing. Nico wanted to take this as a good sign, but the laughter seemed eerie. He took Bill’s baby hand in his.

Bill turned to face him, a wide grin on his face. “YOU FOOL!” he exclaimed. “YOU ABSOLUTE BUFFOON! DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU JUST DID?”

Nico gasped and threw himself away from Bill, shaking his head. “No,” he whispered. “No. It should have worked! I went onto Wikipedia for the instructions!”

Bill only laughed harder. “YOU DIPSHIT! YOU MULTIPLIED ME!” His eyes danced with his laughter.

“Multiplied?” Nico exclaimed. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN?” He frowned. “Also, no swearing in front of the kids. Watch your fucking language, asshole.”

“HAHAHAHAHAHA!” Bill exclaimed. “MY CHILDREN,” he called, turning his face away from Nico’s. “COME!”

From the dining room, the children’s small feet pitter-pattered across the floor. Rage filled Nico’s chest, and he tackled Bill to the ground. “VSCO DEMON!” he cried. “What did you do to them? If you hurt them-”

“I did no such thing,” Bill said. “I would never hurt them.”

“Then what did you do?”

In creepy unison, all his kids exclaimed: “SKSKSK! I’VE GIVEN THEM ALL A PIECE OF ME! NOW I EXIST IN ALL OF YOUR FAMILY AND LOVED ONES!”

“NOOOOO!” Nico cried. “WHY?”

“Children,” Bill said, “what do we say to Nico?”

“SAVE THE TURTLES!” And they all took off their oversized T-shirts and threw them in his face.

The end. Nico sobbed forever.

[pleaseshutupaboutsatou]

Before and After Ajin Volume 1

Part Three

[Part One] [Part Two]

This was supposed to be the last part but I had a lot to say on this one particular subject.

Ajin: Human or Demi-Human

Spoilers ahead and I will refer to Tsuina Miura as TM.

Before V2 - Ajin: Human or Demi-Human

Okay, so it’s always kind of perplexed me that Ajin are so objectified. They look like any other person but in the world of Ajin, they’re referred to as ‘another species’, a ‘life-form’, and sometimes even ‘it’. When someone finds out they’re Ajin, it’s not readily apparent and can easily be hidden. Probably the most conspicuous aspect of an Ajin is their IBM if anything -- especially if they can’t control it. 

Anyway, the way I’ve really looked at it, I’ve always kinda assumed that the objectification of Ajin was a purposeful and systemic way of othering people with immortal abilities so that they can be more easily taken advantage of. 

I forget that this thought is just pure speculation and not actually explicitly said in canon. (TBH, I would really like to know the origins of why people see Ajin as non-human.)

This aspect is just part of the unique takes Ajin has on immortality. Immortals can age. To be an Ajin is not seen as a cool or fun but something terrifying and unknown. You don’t want to be an Ajin. In fact, in the first chapter of the manga, when the teacher suggests the possibility that someone in the class might be one, it immediately makes everyone uneasy.

In TM’s part of the manga, there’s a strong emphasis on the idea of Ajin not being seen as human. It’s repeated a lot in Kei’s dialogue with Kai and in the pilot chapter with Shinya. In fact, the opening line in the pilot chapter is ‘Those life forms do not die... They are know as demi-humans’.

The language in the Wikipedia article about Ajin that Shinya reads uses dry language when discussing the relationship between Ajin and human experimentation. It seems like there’s no hint of controversy! 

If you’ve read Tenkuu Shinpan, this cynical worldview will probably be very familiar. Miura’s writing has this sort of color.

Anyway, in volume one, the humanity of Ajin is constantly questioned and touched upon in the dialogue.

What a bizarre question for Izumi to ask, of all people... Izumi could be playing detective a detective role here, but knowing that she’s an Ajin, this almost comes across as self-loathing. Perhaps Izumi might have gone down that path if Miura stayed on?

This bit of dialogue from Tanaka, shortly after the former scene, feels more consistent with the story thus far. Satou made being a demi-human a point of pride for Tanaka and for Izumi to pretend to be one definitely made her less in his eyes. Actually, he was pretty cruel to everyone in that room in this scene, but if you take into consideration Izumi’s anti-Ajin-like dialogue and her explicitly saying she’s from the Demi-Human Control Commission (the ones responsible for his imprisonment), I can see where it comes from.

Anyway, much of the compelling dialogue on an Ajin’s humanity is between Kei and Kai. On the run after being outed as an Ajin, Kei is constantly questioning his own humanity.

And, as long as Kai is around Kei, he constantly reassures Kei that he is indeed human and even if he isn’t, he can be human if he wants to be.

Now that I think about it, perhaps the idea of demi-humans not being human comes from the human fear of death and the loss of its universal certainty. Death is scary, unpredictable, unavoidable and not really something a lot of people like to dwell on. However, despite those feelings, it’s ubiquitous and maybe some comfort comes from that - that it will happen to everyone. Not to Ajin though (as far as the public knows, they don’t really know about aging or natural-death Ajin). In fact Ajin can tiptoe between death and life. Perhaps that comes across as grotesque and maybe that’s a reason why they’re feared? A scene that exemplifies this is Kei’s first suicide - or reset, as it’s later called. 

Kai’s expression is of sadness, worry, and terror because he just witnessed Kei, someone he’s trying to protect, harm himself. He obviously knows that Kei will likely be fine but you can’t really logic away the visceral reaction to seeing such a thing. Meanwhile Kei, is excited, almost ecstatic, because he sees he’s able to walk on his own two legs again and not be such a burden to Kai. His relationship to death has totally changed. Does the lack of ability to die correlate with a loss of humanity?

Perhaps, TM wanted that to be constant question in their story. Are Ajin really human? Or maybe TM wanted Ajin to actually not really be human and for us to mistakenly think they are? TBH though, it doesn’t really seem like TM’s fast-paced action writing style... but maybe those kinds of questions piqued Sakurai’s interest.

After V2 - Ajin: Human or Demi-Human

I think Sakurai is interested in exploring the theme of humanity and human experience in general through these immortal characters. 

As the story progresses, he seems to go with the notion that Ajin are just people who can’t die. I think this is emphasized with Tanaka’s increasing mundaneness. His very first appearance is incredibly striking. He looks diabolical.

And he doesn’t seem that way to just the audience but to Kei as well, who sees Tanaka with a mean face and a knife in their first encounter and is instantly scared. In Kei’s dreams, Tanaka becomes a symbol of aggressive masculinity.

It’s all a front though, and through Tanaka’s flashback a handful of chapters later, it becomes clear that, like Kei, he’s an ordinary person put through extraordinary circumstances.

Satou, however, comes across as a force of nature and inhuman. Physical obliteration and philosophical ideas of death do not phase him at all. His flesh body is a tool that he takes apart and puts back together with casual indifference. In the end, though, he is a human being, though, damn, does he make it difficult for other people, ourselves included, to believe that.

Last, but not least, Sakurai spends a great deal of care on Kei’s transition from teen to young adult throughout the story with all the self-doubt, risk-taking and awkwardness that comes with it. What kind of person will he become? What does he really want? 

He puts on a front as a disinterested, self-serving person whose no-nonsense, but, actually he does care and maybe he likes a little of nonsense (but not too much). As for the person he might become, it’s interesting that Kei has two older, contrasting figures in his life who serve as influences: Hirasawa and Satou. Hirasawa says he’s fine the way he is and that it’s okay to run away; he kind of indulges Kei and tells him what he wants to hear - maybe he sees himself in Kei and tells him what he wish he could have heard.  Meanwhile, Satou wants to challenge Kei, though, for entirely selfish reasons and maybe, he too, saw some of himself in Kei. Though, lmao, he got bored with that towards the end.

A big part of Kei’s journey is self-acceptance. Self-acceptance as a person coming-of-age and as a person whose an Ajin. To a person like Kou, he probably seems like he has a concrete idea of who he is, but that’s not the case at all.

Kei starts out as an incredibly reluctant hero. In fact, he only came into the role out of necessity as Satou grew to be a bigger and bigger problem that could no longer be ignored. In the period between the attack on Grant Pharmaceuticals and the attack on Forge Security, his lack of enthusiasm is very explicit; he even dreams of being whisked away. Nevertheless, he begrudgingly concocts a plan for defending Forge Security. 

It’s in the aftermath of Forge Security that he starts to change and aggressively pursue Satou. However, this change of heart will be repeatedly tested as Satou continues to evade him.

Sakurai has also had some things to say about the question of a demi-human’s humanity on a grander scale, particularly, through a character like Ogura. When you first meet him, he’s very blunt and sarcastic and seems to have little value in his own life. To Ogura, life has lost its meaning. It’s heavily implied that this is in large part due to the death of his 8-year-old son.

The only thing that he really talks about with any kind of enthusiasm are Ajin and his FK cigarettes. 

His fascination with Ajin could be, in part, a way to cope with his grief. Ajin defy death and the human spirit seems to play a large role in how they function. IBMs are invisible but can be seen if a strong emotion is present. Floods of IBMs are triggered by death along with an accompanying strong emotion. He states outright that life is meaningless, but his obsession with Ajin seems to come from a part of himself that doesn’t want to believe that.

Whether or not what Ogura says is true or not, it’s undoubtedly true that Ajin are inextricably linked with their own humanity. This is where Sakurai arrives at with the question of a demi-human’s humanity.

This ended up being wayyyy longer then intended but thoughts kept coming and coming. Hope I didn’t go off on too much of a tangent here. I will make another part with Kai, Tanaka and talk briefly about gore before and after volume 2. 

I think Miura is really good with coming up with concepts, but I think, personally, I’m glad that Sakurai was able to take those ideas and make them into what we have today.

[black-streak]

Waiting for the Worms - Mother

Part 9

So uh... Marinette's part kind of became too long and I'm going to have to extend it into part 10. Plus the tone of this to the rest is just so different that it seemed necessary to split it. Very Damian centric here. Warning all still apply.

Closed! List (Do y'all mind that I've hit you up four days in a row now?) : @northernbluetongue @thethirdwheelfriend @shizukiryuu @theatreandcomicfreak @michellemagic @karategirl119 @moonlightstar64 @my-name-is-michell @mystery-5-5 @zalladane @queen-of-the-trash-planet-tm @miraculousdisapointment @dorkus-minimus @jardimazul @allthebooksandcrannies @g-arya @worlds-tiniest-spook-pastry @persephonescat @mycupisbroken @luciferge @18-fandoms-unite-08 @dawnwave16 @alwaysreblogneverpost @kris-pines04 @mysteriouslyswimmingfan-blo-blog @weird-pale-blonde-person @you-will-never-know-how-i-think @kokotaru @naclychilli @slytherinhquinn @clumsy-owl-4178 @ladybug-182 @darkthunder1589 @evil-elf16 @dast218 @lysslovsanime @emilytopaz @naoryllis @iloontjeboontje @thepeacetea @danielslilangel @finallyaniguana @i-like-fairytail-and-stuff @vixen-uchiha @yuulxd @bleeding-heart-romantic @magic-inthe-stars @st0rmy-w1th1n

~---~

Before the week ended, the boy approached her once more. This time it was after she had just finished up her Arabic lessons, the first time she'd seen him outside of that room.

"Why did she choose you?"

Marinette lifted her shoulders in a shrug and watched the frustrated twist of his lips as he attempted to stare her down. Her eyes occasionally jumped around the corridor, ensuring their privacy, but still refraining from answering.

"Are you mute?" The child demanded of her, "is that why you're with the language masters all the time? To learn to speak?"

Amusement coursed through her, shining from behind her eyes as she lifted a solitary finger to her lips, letting Damian determine her meaning. He didn't disappoint as an excited look came about him and he pressed further, hushing hus voice and moving in closer as though sharing a secret, which wasn't far off from the truth.

"The others aren't aware you can talk, are they? Of course not, dimwitted as they are," he took a condescending tone.

Letting an airy chuckle pass and offering a small smirk to let the other know he hit the nail on the head, she watched as the kid tried to appear composed while also preening under her obvious agreement with his insight. She couldn't help but wonder if this was his first experience with a willing audience. He couldn't be more than seven years old and yet already so cautious about allowing her to see how he enjoyed her attention.

"Well no matter, if they can't figure it out on their own, I see no need to inform them," Damian reassured her, hiding it as another jab at their peers. And after taking note of her appreciative nod, he disappeared the way he came.

...

Over the next few weeks, he showed up at random, venting out his annoyance with the trainers and masters, always under the guise that she couldn't tell anyone anyways without giving herself away, to which she only offered her quiet affirmations and acceptance.

Sometimes he asked questions, only to cut off and respond to himself that of course his companion couldn't answer, returning to his own conversation. It seemed to ease him that he never need worry over what she might say to him. Once in a blue moon he asked something she could answer without opening her mouth.

"Do you have a life outside of here?"

She tilted her head back and forty in contemplation before shaking a decided no. He seemed pleased with this. No competition for her attention, she supposed.

"How many languages do you actually speak then? Or are learning at least."

She contemplated if league dialect counted and decided it had to and also threw in guardian speak since she had been learning it beforehand, lifting up eight fingers. Damian's surprised look and appreciative hum lasted only a moment before his next barrage of insults to those who thought her mute started up once more. 

While their talks only lasted about ten minutes tops and only every few days, the progress was enough to earn her Talia's praise in private, excited that the boy took to her so quickly. She also inquired as to Marinette's tactics but only received a shrug of her own and the quiet explanation that she simply listened.

…

After a particularly grueling training session where the two ended up switching targets midway through their own battles, taking both trainers off guard and downing them in record time, Talia decided to send them out for an extended mission together. Her reasoning that Jason obviously felt protective over the heir and the two worked well enough in tandem that it offered the perfect environment for furthering Damian's training, having only ever tagged along for small time missions in the past.

Later in the evening, she explained how the joint missions extended their trust and allowed more freedom for bonding to occur. How they could further plan for their escape if they knew how to work together outside of the city limits. Marinette meditated every second she could before the start of their new assignment.

The morning of, she collected Damian from the meeting point Talia gave them and led him into the larger group to make their way out of the caves. The mission went on for five days before they finally tracked down their targets. It took all of one night to end the mission, Marinette taking extra precautions to cover Damian's back at all times, landing killing blows to any that threatened the young life entrusted to her. By the end, the little one only took one life. A young woman who landed a lucky shot on Marinette. The boy's eyes widened in fear and struck blindly, slashing his katana across her torso, opening her up to the world before giving another wild slash to her neck. The second the woman dropped, he ran to her side, pressing on the wound and helping her back towards their hideout as the others cleaned out the last of the building. 

As the sun rose, he helped to patch her up, yammering on about how stupid she was to allow herself to be hit like that. How ashamed she should be. How she should be better. Marinette saw the fear and worry and horror waring in his eyes, in the tense way he held his shoulders and shake in his hands. The guilty glances he tossed her, knowing she was distracted by protecting him. She ruffled his hair and offered a crooked grin at his huff of indignation. Neither slept that night, ready to return in the morning.

Damian refused missions without her after that.

…

After their return from their seventh successful mission, over two months later, Talia stopped showing up in the training room. No longer informed Damian where to meet up for missions, allowing the information to flow from the trainers down instead. She still told Marinette inner details in her rooms, but she could tell the woman cut off the child almost entirely. Knew they only saw one another during meetings with Ras.

Within another two weeks, Talia began to distance herself from Marinette in public even further. She was no longer seen as the pet project, but as a full fledged member who happened to run in this squadron. She stayed quiet on the manner, not willing to question her mentor on what she thought best when seen amongst the League. And with Marinette now understanding and speaking both arabic and league dialect fluently, she could spy on the others and gather information much easier without the silencing presence of their leader, all speaking more freely amongst themselves, still under the impression that she was not only mute but one of them now.

Damian seemed to grow more irritable by the day, sticking to her side like glue, quieter and on edge. Separation anxiety most likely. Talia had always retained a distant aloof relationship with her own kid, but he likely never expected her to quit checking up on him entirely, to no longer keep up with his progress and watch his training. She always let him know she hadn't forgotten him entirely, in her own way. Now, she hardly glanced his direction if they happened to enter the same room.

He lasted three weeks without Talia's watchful eye, before he broke down in his own manner.

Marinette heard a soft knock on her door before it creaked open, one green eye peeking in at her, in a silent question. 

Sitting up in her bed, she tilted her head in consideration before nodding her acceptance. She observed as he slid into the room and shut the door behind him, hesitating only a moment in the doorway before marching over towards her and taking a seat, starting in on his usual tirade of random facts and observations. By now, she recognized this as a coping mechanism, his way of excusing his coming to her without outright stating that he just craved the company. A growing suspicion in the back of her mind told her that once he assured himself she wouldn't leave nor dismiss him, he might take to more quiet quality time. For now, he rambled endlessly. Eventually he tired himself out and left her alone once more.

Every other day, he made a reappearance to rant once more until he couldn't find anymore excuses to stay and left, tail practically tucked between his legs.

…

Two months more passed and Talia showed no sign of returning to Damian's life, Marinette finally decided to confront the woman.

"Oh Jason, surely you know I can't escape with you, right?"

Her eyebrows scrunched up in confusion at the question, before realizing her own stupidity. Why in the world would she train Marinette to take away Damian if she could do so, herself? As shock overtook her, arms wrapped gently around her shoulders, drawing her into the woman's embrace.

"It would put both of you at too high a risk. I need to stay here and throw them off your trail. To control the situation until you're both too far out of my father's reach. He can't know I have any attachment to either of you for this to work. You need to blend in, mean nothing to me so that everyone overlooks you. It doesn't matter if Damian clings to you, as long as no one else looks at you twice, you're still nobody. You'll slip out and everyone will just assume you died on a mission if they even think of you."

"Can't you meet with him in private? Like you do with me?" She pleaded with Talia, heart heavy knowing she would have to eventually leave another mentor behind. Knowing how Damian hurt for his mother.

"No Jason. He's too young. He won't understand. It's best if he comes to the decision to disown me. To no longer care about me, ao it hurts less in the long run. If he barely ever knew me and I simply disappeared, if he never truly knew my love to begin with, there's less to miss. Less of him to hurt in my absence. I know it's terrible and he feels abandoned, but think how much worse it would be if I showed him love now only to kick him out of the league to never be seen again? I can't add on to that pain."

She hated how much sense that made. Whether Damian knew it or not, his mother loved him so much and was willingly sacrificing her right as his mother so he could have a better life without her. That would never make the years of neglect and abuse okay, but at least she was setting him up to move on to something hopefully better. Marinette would do everything in her power to ensure that hope became a reality.

…

Three months into Talia's disappearing act, six since Damian first came to her in the training room all those months ago, he entered her room and sat without a word on the bed next to her, staring down at the floor. She waited patiently for him to find his words, but tensed upon seeing the tears well up in the corner of the child's eyes. She desperately wished to reach out to comfort him, but restrained herself, not sure how he'd take the action. Eventually, he spoke in a trembling lilt.

"Why am I never good enough?"

Sucking in a breath, she swallowed down the last of her reserve and murmured back, voice a gentle lull, if a little deep and gruff around the edges, "You are plenty enough."

His eyes snapped up to meet hers, wide and clear, "You…"

"You are so much more than you know and anyone who can't see that doesn't deserve you."

He hesitated a moment, "Even mother?"

"No one who pays so little attention and offers so little love deserves the title of mother," she stated, hating herself for the words, knowing how much Talia truly did love and care, but aiming to break his connection to her at the woman's own command.

"You've never spoken to me before," he accused.

"You seemed like you needed someone to listen. And you said it yourself, I couldn't very well pose as mute if I answered all of your questions," she eased.

"And when I came here?"

"You hardly gave an opportunity to speak up in the midst of all your ranting. You don't strike me as the type to appreciate being cut off either," she teased, earning a soft blush in return.

He sobered up after a moment, looking back down towards his feet, "So if she doesn't deserve the title of Mother, I have no one."

"How do you mean?"

"Well Ras hardly deserves the title of grandfather by your definition and it's not like I have a father. So I have no one."

"And what am I then, chopped liver?"

He startled up, shooting her a bewildered look, "What?"

"You've become my personal little leech, attending all of my missions, sharing my training with me, coming into my rooms at your leisure, and yet you have no one? That hurts me deep," she attempted a saddened look, not sure how it turned out with her older, masculine features and white lined scars scattering her skin. It startled a tiny laugh out of him, so she'd take it.

"You… you want me? You actually care?"

"Of course I do, Dami. You're the closest thing to family I've got."

"Family," his inquired, tone guarded, a slight twitch in his nose and uptilt in his chin, giving away his hopeful excitement at the word.

"Yours, if you'd have me."

"That would be," he cut himself off here, trying to control himself, to not appear too eager, "acceptable," he settled on.

"Good. You're well spoken for an eight year old."

"I'm seven," he corrected with a smug smile.

"Even more impressive then," she lilted, watching as he took that to be the end of that conversation, moving to leave, only to stop with a hand on the door.

"Jason?"

"Yes?"

"I'm glad you're my family."

[jacscorner]

Pokemon All-Stars: A Fan Region/Game/Alternate Universe Idea

I like watching and rewatching Original Pokemon Game/Region videos. Like Mr. Buddy's "What if X was a Pokemon Region" and stuff like that. I wanna make-or, I guess, write-my own. Since Regions are kind of a character all their own and I'm a Wannabe Character Artist, I wanted to try and make one my own.

I've got no skills in coding, pixel arts, or anything, so this will forever be just some kind of dumb fanfic that sometimes incorporates Game Mechanics to justify things if it were able, for some Godforsaken reason, 'stolen' for a game. Cause, in 2021, no idea feels too big or too dumb. And, uh, trust me, this'll be a dumb fanfic of an idea. So be aware for the subpar writing talents of some wannabe writer who doesn't know shit.

Small disclaimer though:

>This region is being made with the intention that every extra feature will be available in it. Z-Moves, Regional Variants, Gygantamax, Mega Evolutions, and maybe some things I've forgotten. This probably won't matter cause it's just a dumb fanfic plot bible with mechanics peppered in. Competitive balancing be damn! Pokemon Fans can create their own balance! That's what the Battle Simulator is for! In fact, if this was a real game, then it'd have a Battle Simulator like Showdown built into it.

>This is an open source Fanfic Bible. You can take this idea and run with it if you want. You can omit all my bad ideas even!

>I won't be making my own Fakemon. I don't like a lot of Fakemon that exists out there and, trust me when I say this: I am no better than them. In fact, I'm fucking worse.

>If this WERE a game, it probably WOULD still have to cut some Pokemon. I doubt that kinda, and I won't get into why I think dexit was dumb personally, cause it doesn't really matter. But, like, my fan game/fanfic will have a lot of shit going on in it. So, like, realistically, there would probably need to be a cut, if not for data, than just cause there's a lot of work to do as is. But, like, again, under the context of a fic, this wouldn't be an issue.

>With THAT said, I'd want this game to have a Gen 2 Sprite aesthetic. My fangame, don't care if ya'll don't like that.

>I'm probably gonna copy a LOT of stuff from other Fangames I've played. My shit memory probably won't allow me to remember what I'm biting from what, so be free to call me out whenever. Cause if I stole the mechanic, I probably liked it the game. And if not, well, I'd like the recommendation.

Fuck, this was long already. The rest is under the cut, so, like, if you're already turned off, you can stop reading. I understand. I'm kind of a windbag.

Okay, so how many of you guys have seen this picture on the internet? It's a picture of a ton of Pokemon regions all...basically stitched together, since not only could this never be canon, but this goes beyond the size of even most open world games today. But this was the inspiration for this project. The map probably wouldn't, and probably couldn't, look like this, but it perfectly sums up what I'd want out of this game. Thus, it'll be our placeholder.

Our hometown of Capricorn Town is home to Professor Chestnut, and you, her faithful assistant, are about to set off on a Pokemon adventure of your own! The Professor is encouraging you to see the region of Sidus for yourself and is even willing to give you a Starting Pokemon!

Starting Pokemon

Now, if I'm not making new Pokemon, which Starter will it be? Well, the game will have the data for all the starters and will randomly select a Grass, Fire, and Water Type for you to choose from. Those will be your starters, with the option of also choosing Pikachu, Eevee, and Riolu, the two mascot mons...and Riolu, who is kind of a mascot mon, but a lesser one.

Let's say for this example, your options are Torchic, Piplup, Rowlet, Pikachu, Eevee, and Riolu. And, uh, get used to the words 'random' and 'generator', those are our keywords.

Anyway, once you get your pick, there'll be some kind of tutorial mission the Professor will send you on. This will introduce you to two very important things;

1. One of your Rival.

2. An Evil Team Grunt.

Rivals?!

Now to start getting into why this game might still be pretty big still be big despite the sprites on modern consoles.

Each of your Rivals would be one kid from each region of the 8 Mainline Games from Kanto to Kalos. How this'll be decided is that each pair of kids will be plugging into a generator and will pick between either the boy or girl version.

Ex. Brendan and May both cannot be in the game. Instead, they'll be plugged into this generator. Let's say the generator fell onto May. She'll be one of your Rival. Repeat this process 7 more times until you have 8 Rivals sprinkled throughout the world, each one given a defined personality and better AI to make them harder trainers to fight.

May will have one of the Hoenn Starters, sans Torchic. Regardless of whether or not Protagonist-San picked Torchic, May will either have a Treecko or Mudkip, again, chosen at random per kid. Whichever Starter you picked, your first rival will have a starter that beats yours. So, let's say moving forward, May has a Mudkip and you a Torchic. The other kids will have random starters of the various regions they originally hail from.

Anyway, your rivals will wander the overworld. If they see you, they'll battle you on sight. If they lose, they'll be gone after the next time you turn the game off. They won't battle you again until they respawn, but you can hang out with them. In fact, you can even recruit them to be in your party for a few days and they'll follow you around and just generally be your friend. It'll make every battle a double battle, but they'll battle you again before their timer runs out, so be prepared!

BANG! BANG! ENTER! Team Wild!

The two of you will have to face off against Team Wild! They have a Cowboy theme to them, using a mix of Ground and Steel-Types, with a few Pokemon being added in for good measure like the Ponyta Lines, Cacnea Line, and Remoraid. Cause...it's a gun.

They're an outlaw gang, they're rough and tough (or, at least, a mild threat) and will always throw down when they spot ya. Something I'm just sniping from JelloApocalypse is that they'll appear sporadically and act as Timed Events across the map.

You and your new Rival beat them and send you packing. I'd imagine May and the other Rivals would mostly be friendly, but I'm sure there's one or two that'll just be jerks to you. Regardless of personality, they'll be pretty tough and programmed to skill with you. Your strongest mon you have on hand when you fight them will be the level their entire team.

With your tutorial done, the world is opened up! Your mom gives you your running shoes, some Pokeballs, and your...I don't know, PokeCelular or something, just the regional gadget that does a bunch of stuff. From holding your map to holding your VS Seeker.

The PokeCelular will also give you notifications on where Team Wild are! You can choose to ignore the events, but if you do, then they'll start to appear in the overworld know and will get progressively stronger.

A Balancing Act

This game will be an open world, 8-Bit Sprite Game for you to explore after you leave Capricorn!

So how do we balance that?

Well, we got our Rival out of the way already, so let's move on. Gym Leaders will have a pretty linear progression. However, regardless of which Gym you tackle first, they'll all be at the same level.

It doesn't matter if you decide to go across the map and battle the Bug Gym, he'll stay at Level 10, just like the Normal Gym. Whe you get the second badge, they'll all jump to Level 15. NPC Trainers will follow the same progression; the higher your badge number, the stronger the number of Pokemon they'll be.

Wild Pokemon will also get stronger. The more badges you get, it'll attract stronger wild Pokemon because they'll see you're stronger and will come out more.

The overworld will also have various dungeons in them that'll be Level Locked. Say, you go through a forest and you're just trying to reach the end of a maze. The Trainers and Pokemon will function the same as I've mentioned before. But, you can decide to go deeper into the dungeon. These Pokemon will be level locked, usually something of a high level, because this is a more dangerous part of the dungeon. But, there'll be some goodies down there, like rarer Pokemon and some kind of really rare and good item like a TM or something.

How will you traverse? Well, first of all, HMs? They're semi-back. BUT, instead of having to deal with teaching Cut to a Pokemon, you just need the move Cut and a Pokemon that can use the move and you'll be able to use Cut. A few other Pokemon that are reasonable candidates, but don't get cut, will be allowed to do this too. Like, Gallade can use Cut. It can't learn the move, but just holding the HM will get the job done.

Controversial opinion, but I think I've always liked the idea of HMs. On paper, they give you a reason to explore the world and go back to areas you couldn't before for goodies and make for a good way to get off dungeons until you get the needed item. Even something like Cut can be used to open up new areas for exploration for your squad of mons.

BUT, well, HMs suck. As moves, they suck save for, like, 2...MAYBE and they're only for, like, a handful of areas. You either hand them out as evenly as possible, forcing mons to take moves you don't wanna use, or you just get an HM Slave or two to use 'em all. But like they, they serve their function and all you need is the Pokemon in question and NOT teach them the move. If you need a Move Deleter just so people aren't stuck having to use Rock Smash for three towns, then there's a problem with your RPG. Imagine playing Final Fantasy and you had to give your Fighter the Bronze Axe to get through a forest and still had to fight with it, even though you got a +12 Silver Sword! It's no wonder people hated these things! But I don't think getting rid of them and introducing Rental Pokemon was a good solution either and adds a different, albeit less intrusive problem.

Gym Leaders

So, how do Gym Leaders work?

Much like your rivals, they'll be randomly generated. Let's say, hypothetically, there's a pool of 60 Gym Leaders and Elite Four members. The game will randomly generate 16 to be Gym Leaders. The generator will have some kind of complicated math (at least, too complicated for me) so that you don't have more than 2 gyms of the same type. (Example: Misty and Nessa might be Active Gyms, Siebold can't be selected for a Gym cause the Water Slots are taken).

As a trade off, some Gyms might have special conditions before you can challenge them. Like, if you got stuck with Koga as a Gym Leader, than he'll only let you in if you complete a nearby dungeon and help his daughter out cause he doesn't trust her to make it back on her own. Or, like, Claire's a Gym Leader, but she won't battle you unless you've collected 7 Gym Badges prior at least.

The Gym Leaders, as mentioned before, will get progressively stronger with each badge obtained. After the 8th badge, you can go and climb Victory Road, face the E4 and confront the Champion! You can keep hunting Gym Leaders, but just remember that the E4 will always be 10 Levels above the strongest gym you beat. And they'll just get stronger with every one you beat until all 16 are slain.

Another handful, let's say 8, Gym Leaders/E4 Members will be wondering around as NPC Trainers. The justification is that this big super region is in some Alternate Universe Pokemon Game that has all the Pokemon and other important trainers in it, hence why we can have a game where Roxanne and Lenora are hanging out at a coffee shop. They're not Rivals, more like stronger NPCs you can rematch and wonder the map. They're not here to be the very best like no one ever was.

I mean, I'd like, like, 10-20 instead of 8 extras, but let's not get TOO greedy...yet...

Elite Four

And now, it's time to flip the script. Cause if E4 members can be Gym Leaders, then who are the Elite Four?

Easy. The Rivals.

All the Rival characters will be put in a random generator as well. The four that are chosen. You can have an Elite Four made up of Wally, Marnie, Hau, and Barry and you gotta deal with it.

This is excluding Brendan and May, Blue, and Calem and Serena. Anyone else is fair game.

Champion

So, the Champion. Who would it be in this? There was a funny idea I had, but this is a Pokemon Game. So there would be two versions. We'll call them Pokemon Dawn & Dusk. The difference between these games is the game Champion!

Benga would be the Champion of Pokemon Dusk, the grandson of Alder! His final Team will include Volcarona, Garchomp, and Dragonite, Pokemon he used in Black and White. I'd also include Scrafty, Rampardos, and Golurk, Pokemon used against you in White Treehollow and Black Tower areas.

Meanwhile, the Champion of Pokemon Dusk will be Zinnia, the Lorekeeper! Her team would include the Goodra, Tyrantrum, Altaria, Noivern, and Salamence she used in her original team, with her plucky Whismur sidekick becoming an Exploud and her ace.

You would've met them in the beginning of the game and would've showed off a bit by helping you with Team Wild before. They'll pop in and out throughout the game, at first amused by your tenacity, but not wanting a rookie like you to get hurt. But if you keep bonking Team Wild, they'll be impressed with how strong you are.

The show up to chat again when you beat 8 Gym Leaders, and will pop in if you White Out to give you some advice. White Out three times and they'll feel bad for you and give you an egg. Benga will give you a Larvesta Egg and Zinnia a Bagon Egg.

EXTRAS

So I don't got a lot of ideas for the Post Game, but there is one idea I thought would be cool if, if after you defeat the champion, they give you a call. They'll tell you that there are strong trainers wondering the Overworld and to be careful.

Because dotting the overworld will be Champions passed and proper! Cynthia, Blue, Lance; all of them are rocking Lv 100 Teams and are out for blood. They won't challenge you, but if you talk to them, there will be no backing out of the battle! You come with your A-Game!

sI'm not exactly in love with the idea of Team Wild. Maybe the Evil Team should go full fanservice and just be Team Rainbow Rocket. Or maybe go half-and-half; having past Evil Team members and leaders walk around in cowboy gear and acting as Team Wild executives.

I'd also would love Tournaments. Like, maybe that could be a weekly event in some town, they'll how tournaments and the characters that aren't designated as Gym Leaders and such will attend. Maybe there's a cash prize, maybe you'll win Pokemon Eggs of rare, guaranteed shines, or maybe you'll get some kind of important quest items.

Yeah, I want quests! All sorts of side quests! And can't forget what I'd do with Legendairs;

If you know Bengal's team, you'll know he's got the Lati Twins. I don't like that personally and would prefer Legendaries to be Super Bosses. Like, you gotta do a lot to find them. And when you do, their stats are boosted and they become an Uber Boss! You catch them in a cutscene after you beat them!

There's also just a ton of characters I didn't get around to or really have a place for. Emma, Looker, N, and the Stat Trainers all come to mind. Overall, I'd want them to pepper the world as well, but don't have anything to say except this: Pokemon has made a lot of memorable characters. Both good and bad. And this is probably my dream Pokemon Game; one where you can hang out with your favorites

[the-nut-queen]

I Have a lot of thoughts on beyond light so I’m going to share them

spoilers for beyond light obvs

The Nut Queen’s thoughts on Beyond Light/SotH:

Campaign:

·       Pretty much went how I expected, i.e. nothing unpredictable or particularly interesting/mould breaking

·       That being said, I liked it! And had a lot of fun

·       Good to see Variks again, good to see the Stranger.

·       Eramis was a pretty decent villain, but pretty much had the same motives as every other Eliksni enemy before her (Skolas, Aksis, Siviks, etc.)

o   Very much felt like Rise of Iron… 2! With the Eliksni taking a new power that they didn’t fully understand to wreck shit, and also, it’s Clovis’ fault again

·       The boss fights felt a little dull. Getting to the end and just spamming stasis got old pretty quickly. I think having that for the first time work, then being able to use stasis as a subclass going forward would have been better (instead of getting the subclass at the very end of the campaign, I haven’t even started upgrading it with shit yet)

·       Liked the ghost lines and voices lines that would happen as you travelled to places

·       The progression felt very smooth, I hardly noticed when the game switched from “story mission” to “kill some adds for some stuff to progress” which was nice.

·       Liked the likewise smooth integration of the empire hunts to the main story line (good source of repeatable content for the future) although I was a little confused when I got a triumph for empire hunts since I literally hadn’t heard House of Salvation call themselves an Empire before

·       Ghost being super concerned with you using the darkness then the guardian just not fucking saying anything is kinda dumb lol but that’s pretty standard

·       It was pretty dumb when at the final boss fight Eramis freezes your ghost and shatters your splinter and freezes you then the stranger’s voice over is like “look within” and you can just suddenly use stasis because why not lol

o   Would have been cool to have a “guardians make their own fate” reference here instead

·       WHAT IS THE POINT OF FIRETEAM “E” (Elsie/Stranger, Eli/Drifter, Eris) Don’t get me wrong, I love them! and I love that 1 solitary cutscene where they’re brawling and using stasis, but they literally serve no purpose to the story? Especially dumb how mara and the nine were like “ooh only 3 have transcended their design ooh they are so special” and then they just stand around a campfire while you do all the work lol

o   Sidenote, the Stranger’s little floaty thing: what is it? And what is the point of it besides looking cute in one cutscene??

·       Also really annoyed that the BOSS for the Glassway Strike is just another boring fucking hydra, like wtf. You introduced a fucking sick new Vex type!!! (wyvern) and you DIDN’T use it as a BOSS for the NEW VEX strike. The boss fight was so boring too, it was literally just a hydra but with lots of health and sometimes it disappeared, come on bungie

 New Light:

·       Pretty cool! Shaw Han is boring though. Bungie you need more women characters and more GHOST characters (also like any non-binary characters)

o   It’d be funny to see a guardian/ghost duo NPC where the guardian doesn’t talk and the ghost does! Like with literally every npc except Osiris/Sagira their ghosts just don’t fucking say anything . (I get that it is more money to hire more voice actors and to write more lines etc. etc. etc. but its getting a bit old. GHOSTS HAVE OPINIONS!

o   Maybe even an npc who is just a solo ghost! They haven’t found their guardian or their guardian was slain by the hive or something that would be cool

·       Where is Shiro-4?

·       Where is Misraaks/House Light?

·       Navota: also boring. Just a hive wizard. You may as well have just had Omnigul come back. Or her nightmare (though I understand that that was dealt with on the moon in the nightmare hunts but still)

o   Disgraced strike: also boring. And the boss fight is also boring and takes forever?

·       Cosmodrome: Cool to be back, was fun to get annihilated by an immune hive night in skyshock as is tradition

o   Annoyed there doesn’t appear to be any Rise of Iron continuity with the landscape, the splicers fuck some shit up in the divide and outside the wall

o   Also, is the path to the Rasputin bunker just gone?

o   Yeah I just checked, the path to the grottos area (from D1) from the forgotten shore has just disappeared in D2 they just put more cliff there

o   Wtf why

o   Also the D1 location maps are so awful lol (wow, we really used to live like that huh)

·       Cosmo lost sectors: nice. Hive labyrinth was fun. Sad they didn’t reuse like the Rasputin bunker but that’s chill

 Season of the Hunt:

·       I’m keen to see my BOYS Pulled Pork and Crow

·       SPIDER DON’T HURT CROW ISTG

·       Not sure what the seasonal content has in store

·       I hope it isn’t as boring as season of undying that sucked asss (obvs I have this worry since they spent the majority of the time developing Beyond Light/Europa, (I assume))

·       It looks like a combo of nightmare hunts and other seasonal public-style events

·       Maybe an escalation protocol/blind well style thing? Idk we’ll find out

 Overall:

·       BUGS! So many fucking bugs

o   you fucked up a perfectly good game, look at it, it has anxiety

o   omg bungie please help us

o   girl help, I’m trapped under the prison of elders grav lift thingo

o   girl help I’ve been launched into the wall at mach speed

·       GAMBIT:

o   You fucked up gambit too. You took all the cool shit out of Prime then mixed it with the lame shit from regular gambit to make gambit whatever the opposite of “prime” is

o   My idea for a better gambit TM:

o   Each class gets one (1) class item

o   They look like the prime class items except not coloured/glowy

o   There are 4 mods you can slot in the “combat style” mod slot ie the last slot

o   They’re like, idk 6 energy to slot

o   And they give you the gambit prime role! And the class item glows in the respective colour and you get an aura too

o   you get all the fun prime perks without having to grind r*ckoning and also have a full set of amour equipped, so you got freedom with your gear

o   it would be GOOD

o   sigh

o   gambit is the worst now

o   it’s like just as hard as prime was too but you don’t get good perks so you just eat shit

o   gambit rant over, moving on to planet rant:

·       YOU CAN’T SAY THAT FOUR CELESTIAL BODIES HAVE “DISAPPEARED” CANONICALLY ONLY LEAVING AN “ANOMOLY” (AS DESCRIBED BY WEBLORE) AND THEN

·       AND THEN fucking have CRUCIBLE AND GAMBIT MATCHES ON THE DISAPPEARED PLANETS

o   I totally get that for time, resources, crunch, and hell even desire would mean throwing out a heap of crucible matches would be not ideal because then there would be like 3 left

o   But

o   WHAT THE FUCK. Maybe if you said idk the vanguard has quarantined the four legacy planets due to the giant fucking darkness pyramids looming there so you’re not allowed to go there any more (as like an in game/lore reason for the planets being vaulted)

o   Cus like yeah you can’t patrol there anymore but drifter doesn’t care about vanguard sanctions so he can just ignore it for the gambit maps

o   And shaxx

o   Could like come up with a reason? Idk

o   It’s just really

o   Really

o   Stupid

·       I like the move towards being chill with gender (changing “male” and “female” to “Masculine” and “feminine” however I would like to see this go further. Ability to change your pronouns whenever you want, ability to change your characters gender presentation whenever you want, ability to be “androgynous” and use “they/them” pronouns

o   Like really, we’re space wizards in the far far future and some of us are even robots. there’s no doubt there would be trans guardians

Final thoughts:

I love this game, I love bungie, I am keen for what the future has to offer

But

I can’t help but feel like this is just another “beginning”

Like shadowkeep was supposed to kick off the era of darkness with the discovery of the first pyramid ship then we just had two random seasons after it that just felt like Curse of Osiris and Warmind Redux

Then arrivals was a phenomenal season

But yeah I was expecting things to be more high stakes I guess? The beyond light campaign didn’t feel very high stakes and it kinda just felt like “oh look you can use the darkness now”

in short, bungie hire me for good ideas and more queer characters

[kweebtrash]

Just Say Goodnight and Go (M)

Messy Chapter 7

Pairing(s): OC X Johnny

Genre: College AU, Fuckboy AU, Smut, The fluff chapter TM

Summary: Fuckboys are basically good for one thing. You hit it and quit it- except when his voice draws you in, his body keeps you there, and dumb ass feelings linger making things particularly messy.

Warnings: alcohol, night terrors/ panic attacks, minimal talk about assault. 

Features: body worship, choking/breathing denial, talk about oral fixation, thigh high kink, a bunch of makeout sessions, a little bit of a handjob, still exploring the daddy kink a bit, overstretching, rough sex and semi-soft sex, really bad drunk decisions.

Word Count: around 17.6k

A/N: ‘they’ and ‘she’ are used interchangeably on purpose. I didn’t exactly hit 20k like I thought but I was damn close lol. Note: In case you don’t know Rilakkuma is a Japanese character (like Hello Kitty) but from the brand San-X. This chapter has got a bunch of fluff in it, but ya’ll know fluff aint my usual thing that I write about. So tell me if it was good or bad please.

Messy Masterlist    Buy me a Ko-Fi    Other Stories

“What do people like….do on dates?”

“Eri, what the hell kind of question is that? You act like you never been on one before.” Quinn said before squinting in the mirror to viciously measure if their eyeliner wings were even.

“Like i mean...i have but also i'm antisocial and some if the best times i've had with people were just like hanging out and doing nothing. Like Yuta and i just lay around and watch anime-”

“While he fingers you.”

“Lucas and I play video games.”

“Until his attention span goes to eating you out.”

I huffed. “Listen…”

“You went out on dates with Jungwoo, didn't you?”

“Yeah but we would like go to parks during the spring and walk around, or he'd follow me around the mall and blush if I so much as mentioned going to look at underwear in a store. We went to an aquarium solely because i just wanted to hear him say the word in his adorable accent all day. But those are things that I did when like…” i sighed and set my eyeshadow brush down. “When I was in love.”

“And you're not in love with Johnny?”

“Johnny's a fuckboy. You really think he'd hold my hand and push me on a swing set at the park? Please. He's gonna take one look at these thigh highs and want to fuck as soon as we start this so called date and that's a-ok with me.”

“Eri, you're a bad liar.”

“You're the one who suggested going on a stupid date with Jaehyun! What do you two do all the time when you hang out anyway, hmm?”

Quinn squinted again, glaring at their uneven ink line before handing the eyeliner pen to me. “Fix itttttttt.” they whined. I sighed and grabbed a makeup wipe to try and clean up some of the unevenness before filling it out with the ink again. “But we honestly fuck a lot. Like a lot a lot. He heard about Taeil helping me study and wanted to help too but instead of being NICE he fingered me and wouldn't let me cum until i got an answer right-which is very hard when his stupid hot long fingers are digging inside you. Then one time I decided to cook for him, because i'm perfect wifey material and he lasted a whole minute of helping me in the kitchen before he was grabbing at my ass.”

“Great, a bigger slut. So why the hell did you come up with this boba date idea in the first place?!” I painted on the small wings in short strokes, connecting it to the already thickened lined that covered Quinn's lashline.

They shrugged, which made me purse my lips and glare down at them for moving. “I don't know. I basically said, Jaehyun you're taking me to get Boba and then I thought it'd be nice for you to come along because you’re maybe-kinda- sorta-my security blanket. Then i realized i asked him out on a date without meaning for it to sound like a date and then i gay panicked and asked you to come but that only made it a DOUBLE DATE and then i had to pretend that everything was natural and I-”

“Quinn. I should stab you in the eye with this pen.”

“I CANT HELP IT! Sometimes he's really stupid and cute and i hate his fuckin’ perfect teeth and perfect smile and those STUPID dimples. I want to punch his face but also kiss him endlessly. I especially hate it when he's like...nice and not a complete asshole because it just makes me want to be around him more!” They sighed.

I finished correcting the wing on their other eye and plopped back down in my desk chair. “I know what you mean...after the party Johnny and I spent the entire night together and it was definitely a journey. I found out things about him that i never could even imagine happening to someone like him. And it just...it made me sad. All i wanted to do was see him happy. I wanted to make him happy.”

“What do you mean? What happened to him?”

“I shouldn't tell you…” i whispered.

“Eri, we're best friends.”

“Yeah but...he's starting to trust me and I don't want to mess that up.”

“I wouldn't ever tell anyone. You know that.”

I fidgeted in my seat as i felt my morals be compromised a bit. Quinn was my best friend that I told practically everything to but Johnny was my...fuckbuddy who had gone through enough for a lifetime and needed someone who would be there for him. I still yearned to be that someone and wanted to solidify my place as a friend he could count on. I knew Quinn wouldn't tell a soul so I was sure the secret was safe but it still made me feel a bit uneasy. “I...i...don't know…”

“Was it about that chick at the party? The like weird looking one that was all over him?”

I nodded then grabbed their little hands, squeezing them tight. “Just swear on our friendship you won't ever say anything. Not even to Jae.”

“I swear.”

“Ok...and don't think or treat of him any different. Go on hating him like normal. It's ok.”

“Yes, Eri, I will. I swear.”

“She...that girl...assaulted him while he was coming down from a bad high and was sick. And you know, he's a big dude. He's tall and muscular and shit- everyone would think he'd be able to fight her off but he can only remember bits and pieces because he was so messed up. Then he described to me how he felt like...how he felt so numb and helpless. It was hard for him…”

“Eri, the same has happened to me. Why would you think I would tell anyone about this?”

“I know,” i practically whimpered. “I didn't mean it like that. I just...i kinda care about him now. I want to be there for him but without making stuff too complicated. I honestly just think he needs someone he can rely on.”

“But then you fell in love with him.”

“I'm going to need you and Doyoung to stop saying that. Are you two conspiring against me?”

“It's just a bit obvious to people that aren't only here to fuck you.” Quinn kissed me gently and returned my little hand squeeze. “It's good that you're there for him. He needs it. I wish we could've been friends sooner so you would've been there for me. You have a good ability to be a pillar of strength for people. But don't let that consume you either. He needs to get through it on his own too.”

“I know. I want him to but this is where the stubborn fuck boy part still remains and makes me want to throw his giant ass across the room.”

“Yeah, he's still stupid about a lot of things but any step towards healing is progress.”

I pouted and gave myself another glance in the mirror before adding more smokiness to my outer crease. “Yeah, I know. It's still fresh though so I can't rush him. I just need to make sure it doesn't get too messy.”

“And also make sure he somehow becomes your boyfriend?”

“WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT?! WHY DON'T YOU GO BE JAE'S BOYFRIEND, YA LIL TURD.”

“Eww no. I don't want to be near his stupid abs and dimples and perfect teeth and soft hair all day. Absolutely not.”

We both glared at each other for a moment. Our weak facades to our feelings were no match for one another and we couldread each other like open books. Things were getting to be a little bit too serious for the both of us and I may have admitted it to myself during my talk with Doyoung but there was no way in hell that I was ever going to say that I had feelings for Johnny out loud. I hoped that I would eventually get over him enough to just keep things casual. I was sure my fear of love was the perfect blockade for that. Nothing could get past that impenetrable wall. So i felt safe for now. Quinn nudged me, breaking our glaring contest and making us both laugh.

“How did we end up like this?” I asked.

“Like what? Stringing along a bunch of hot guys waiting to do whatever we want them to do? Pure talent. We're amazing. And i am making them pay for the boba.”

“Well duh. If they don't we can just throw them out and solidify our relationship with Lucas. I mean he has everything they have anyway: big dick, deep voice, nice lips, can reach things on the top shelf. It's all we need.” I added a final touch of setting spray and wiped at the powder fallout that covered the top of my boobs. “Oh, by the way, do I look ok in this?”

I stood up so Quinn could see my black ensemble of a Simple Plan t-shirt I had since I was 15, a suspender skirt, black thigh highs and matching high-top converses. They squinted and looked me up and down, even making me turn for them. “It's okay.” They stated simply.

“Ok? What do you mean ok? Do I look fat or something?”

“No it's just...i mean it's very you.”

“What do you mean by that?” I asked.

“Like very...high school emo. But your hair and makeup is really cute and he'll like the thigh highs. What are you wearing underneath?”

“Underneath?” I hadn't given much thought to my underwear. “I just picked whatever was in my drawer.”

“Well do you want to entice him a bit?”

I shrugged. “I guess a little. Really make this date worthwhile since i'm sure he's gonna be a jerk about the whole thing. I’m not even sure why he agreed to go.”

“Duh,” Quinn said. “Because he likes you. If he isn't a shitty date then you can give him a little something. And if he is, don't show him at all. I have a cute white lace set you'd look good in. You should wear that.”

“Wear lingerie the entire time? That underwire is gonna kill me.”

“You know I hate bras as much as you do but it'll be cute. Trust me.” Quinn got up from my bed and went over to their room leaving me to follow. When they pulled out the set from their drawer I almost couldn't believe how small it was.

“Uh...you want me to put all of my ass in that?”

“Didn't you say he likes your butt? With this and the thigh highs you can ask him to eat you out and i bet he finally would.”

“Oh...right.” I took the small underwear and bra and started to change into them, not bothering to bring up his previous trauma surrounding oral. It was just easier not going into more into detail about it. I slithered out of my old underwear and into the lace panties which seemed to morph into a thong between my ass cheeks. I adjusted myself over and over in the bra, trying to stuff myself into the seemingly small cups. “Should I really look this desperate? I mean we've fucked like half a dozen times before.”

“It's not desperate! Just trust me. Do that whole femdom thing you do and feel sexy. It may make you feel less nervous if you just pretend you have confidence.”

“Pfft, i doubt it.” I pulled my shirt back over my head, practically feeling my tits at my throat. I stepped over to Quinn's full length mirror and adjusted myself over and over again. Feigning confidence I could do sometimes but alcohol was a lot more helpful with that.

“Will you stop fussing? You're making me more nervous than I already am. We have to be cool sluts not….stupid schoolgirls!” Quinn hissed.

“Yeah, well….i am a stupid schoolgirl and I hate it! I don't want it Quinn!”

“It's just boba! We got this! It's not like-” Suddenly we heard three sharp raps against our door. Our mouths snapped shut and panic washed over us. We looked at each other as if we didn't know what to do. “You do it.” They whispered.

“No, no! You! It was your idea that got us into this mess in the first place!” I planted my hands on their back and forced then towards the door. “Go!”

“You come with me! What are you gonna do?Just stay in here?!”

“Yes! And maybe die alone so i don't have to be embarrassed!” A few more knocks came again and Quinn and I fussed with our hair, our clothes, checking our breaths and if we had things in our teeth. Eventually we stood in front of the door, squaring our shoulders and pretending like everything was totally fine. I was the one who set my hand on the door handle, swinging it open to see my worst nightmare.

The four of us stared at one another like lost children, wide eyed and scared. It was so strange seeing them dressed up that it was like a shock to the system. I was used to the Johnny in sweatpants or basketball shorts and hoodies but now he was...God, he was stunning. Everything; from his hair, his lips, his eyes behind the round wire frames he wore, and his incredibly perfect long legs trapped in his torn up skinny jeans. I hated to admit it-absolutely loathed it- but he looked like complete boyfriend material; so soft and cozy yet still oozing sexiness and a little bit of mystery. I especially loved the leather jacket that hung over him. It made me want to throw myself into his arms and get lost in a sea of his kisses. My heart was fluttering, pathetically so, and it was almost impossible to breathe.

I saw his eyes travel up and down my body, stopping at certain places he wanted to linger a bit longer on. I waited nervously for him to say something, anything at all. He seemed to be stuck, his eyes fluctuating through thought processes and possible scenarios. I nibbled at my lip and casually looked over and Quinn and Jae. Jae looked quite handsome himself; a soft sweet rendition of a guy i didn't quite like and was surprised to see like this. He looked comfy in his hoodie and jacket combo. A warm beanie was perched on his head and his light wash jeans were a perfect compliment. His dimples were on full display along with his perfect teeth Quinn so happily gushed about. I could see them already swooning over him, and probably thinking of a way to get into his pants.

“You look,” My eyes cut back to Johnny as I heard his deep voice finally. “You look um...c-cute.” The olive tone of his skin flared with peachy pinks as soon as that word left his lips.

Cute.

This fuckboy thought I was cute. My heart was in my shoes, a melted puddle of teenage passion and urgency for romance. I giggled nervously and stared down at our feet, noticing his checkered vans and my black converses. “U-um...thank you. I think you look really handsome.” I tucked a stray hair back and gazed up at him. His expression was nothing short of flustered and he cleared his throat to break up the awkwardness.

“Are we just gonna stand here looking like idiots or are we gonna go? I need coffee.” He said.

Jaehyun broke from leaning against the doorframe and boldly took Quinn's hand. “Yeah, let's go. Johnny, you driving or am i?”

Johnny tossed his keys over to Jae who caught them with his free hand. “I'll just drive when we come back.”

Jae and Quinn started heading downstairs, leaving me to rush to get my purse and lock the door behind me. The minuscule walk down to the parking lot of the apartment complex was enough to keep the awkward silence between Johnny and I. I had no idea what I should say or if we should even strike up a conversation at all. I realized that i really didn't know much about him other than his traumatic past and insecurities surrounding it. It seemed trivial but even something like learning his favorite color was starting to become appealing to me. “So…”

He looked back at me from midway down the steps. “So?”

“Boba, huh?” I wish i couldn't speak.

“Yes? Boba?” He seemed just as confused as I was and i rushed to sprint the rest of the way to the car. It didn't take him long to catch up and we were in the back seat and on our way in practically seconds. I kept to my side of the seat against the door, leaving a gaping space between us. Quinn and Jae seemed lost in their own conversation that seemed as natural as the moon controlling the tides. I almost envied them. When the hell did they get so buddy buddy? I briefly looked over at Johnny who seemed to be more interested in gazing out the window then having any interaction with me. I shifted uncomfortably and slid one leg over the other. I adjusted my skirt a bit, trying to make sure I remained decent but it was just a little too short even for me.

I thought I felt Johnny's eyes on me but when i turned to glance at him, he was back to being distracted by the scenery outside his eyes. I checked my phone, trying to use it as a way to ignore my self deprecating and nervous thoughts as well as to make the time go by. It wasn't until Jae cut a harsh turn that I was sent flying from my sacred spot and into Johnny.

“Dude, chill with that!” Johnny reprimanded.

“My bad! Stupid GPS said it at the last second!” Jae replied.

I tried squirming away from Johnny but Jae's lead foot on the gas pedal was making it harder to adjust myself. I felt Johnny's hand grip at my waist almost as if he wanted to keep me close to him. “You okay?” He said in a hushed tone.

I nodded and tried not to look at the warm hazel of his eyes. “I guess your roommate is fuckin’ speed racer.”

“Yeah, he's not the best driver. He only got his license last year.”

I sat up, finally able to regain my balance when Jae's speeding evened out. I inched myself away from Johnny but found his strength keeping me plastered to him. His arm shifted from my waist to around my shoulders, leaving plenty of opportunity for my head to rest on his chest. I looked up at him but he still avoided me at all cost. Tentatively, i laid against him. I could hear the quick beats of his heart and couldn't help but wonder if he was nervous too.

What did we have to be nervous about? Getting to actually know each other? Hadn't we done that? Did he even want to learn about me? I guess it would be better to just keep it about sex even with him confiding in me. It would add layers to our fun and could attribute more to the fun we had in our fuck buddy relationship. But my heart remained in a place of wishful thinking and i was pleading for it to stop fucking with my rationality.

I tried to focus on the physicality of it all instead and I was trying to convince myself that a simple hookup was the main goal for today. Get good food, good Boba, and good dick. That would be all. Maybe the date (or fake date, whatever you wanted to call it) wouldn't last long and I could just go home and curl up in my room and stuff all my feelings away under lock and key. I sighed and pulled myself away from being stuck in my brain for a moment. I happened to notice the woodsy notes of his cologne while my head remained tucked under his chin. I craned my lips up to his neck, giving his warm skin a sheepish peck. The scent was of course stronger here and almost sent my head spinning.

Johnny finally looked at me for longer than a few seconds but he didn't say anything at first. He returned my neck kiss with a small press to my lips, giving my shoulder a small squeeze. I decided to speak and hoped that I wouldn't retreat back to my state of being a bumbling idiot. “You smell good.” Well….i could have definitely said something worse.

He chuckled lowly. “Yeah? You like it?” He kissed me again and my hand trailed upwards to cup his face. I simply nodded and closed my eyes, preferring to get lost in him than back in my own thoughts and feelings. I felt his long fingers fall to my knee, trailing higher and barely grazing over the top of my thigh highs where he stopped suddenly. There was tension within him now and i swore I could almost hear a low growl fall on my tongue. “Eri.” He said in a voice so stern my thighs clenched together in response.

“Yes?” I asked, rather innocently.

“You...you wore this on purpose, didn't you?”

“I have no idea what you're talking about.” I played innocently.

He sat back and scoffed, an unsurprised look on his face. I covered my mouth in an attempt to hide my giggle. “You're gonna get your little ass beat.” He whispered.

“Is that a threat or a promise, daddy?” I teased. He nudged me instantly, wide eyed and afraid that Jae or Quinn had heard me.

“Shut up!”

I giggled again turning into full blown laughter at his embarrassment. It was kind of cute to tease him like that even though during the thick of it I would be the more embarrassed one. Quinn turned around then, curious as ever. “What are you laughing at?”

Johnny and I both stiffened up as if we were being scolded in the back seat. My laugh died down a bit and I was able to finally talk. “N-nothing!” I squeaked.

Johnny fussed with his glasses and nervously pushed back his hair, not even acknowledging Quinn. They squinted, judging us and still wondering what had made me laugh. They didn't get to pry any further as Jae pulled into the parking lot of the small cafe. Johnny was the first to get out, not even bothering to wait for us. He just stuffed his hands in his coat pockets and headed towards the cafe door. I pouted, annoyed that he didn't even have the courtesy to wait for us. Jae was the one that held the door open for Quinn and I, leaving me to scowl at Johnny. He ignored me and headed towards the line, towering over the few people ahead of him. I stood by his side, looking over the menu, while Jae and Quinn joined the line behind us. 

As I was debating over Rosehip or Lavender flavors I felt a brush against my hand. I thought it may have been an accident but suddenly Johnny’s pinky was curled around mine. I glanced down, making sure I wasn't imagining it and was pleasantly surprised. I smiled for a second until I heard Jae whisper a teasing, “gayyyyy” while Quinn poked at my side. I swatted their hand away and shot both of them a glare which only made Quinn giggle again. The line moved then and Johnny and I stepped forward. He finally spoke to me. 

“Do you know what you want?”

“i can't decide between the Lavender or Rosehip one. Both are yummy. Maybe Rosehip and Strawberry? Wait, no, Lavender Vanilla.”

He crinkled his nose in disgust at my flavor choices. “Well, figure it out. We're next.”

“Hush! I know that!” I pouted. He moved up again and discarded my pinky in favor of grabbing his wallet out of his pocket. He ordered a coffee flavor then looked at me.

“Go.”

“Oh, right...uh...” I still had no idea what I wanted and panicked as I felt like I was holding up the line.

“Just order.” I shuffled my weight on either foot while finally deciding on the Rosehip Strawberry with bursting bubbles. I watched as he paid for us then stepped off to the side to wait for the drinks to be completed. “Wanna get a table?”

I nodded. “U-um...thanks for the…”

He looked at me for awhile to the point where I got a bit uncomfortable before kissing me on the cheek. “It's whatever. Go sit down.”

I touched the warm spot of my cheek where his lips had been and scurried away trying not to show my giddiness. Why was I acting so stupid over him? I plopped down at a table, sighing to myself as the others ordered and waited for the drinks. It was only a few more minutes before Johnny joined me, sliding the cup and big straw my way. We stood quiet as we stabbed our straws into the plastic, sipping slowly and glancing at our phones. I didn't know how to talk to him about normal stuff really and was sure I was going to continuously make a fool out of myself.

“So….what's your favorite color?”

He looked at me questioningly. “What?”

“Your favorite color...sorry, i'm just trying to make conversation.”

“Oh...blue. What's yours? Black?” He chuckled then took a sip of his tea.

“Pastel pink.”

He choked a bit then chewed through the pearls. “Wait, seriously?”

“Yes, why is that hard to believe? I happen to be a multifaceted person that likes a bunch of things. I like cute things, video games, anime, comics, a whole bunch of nerd crap. I'm not just a stereotype.”

“Well, do you still think I'm a stereotype?”

I sucked in air through my teeth before propping my chin in the palm of my hand. “Sometimes you can be. You're stubborn and hard headed and a jerk most of the time but sometimes you can be….cute.” I diverted my attention to my drink again, hoping that my compliment didn't make things more awkward.

“What's so cute about me?” He asked. His eyes were focused right on me now as if he truly wanted to know.

“Oh well...physically of personality wise?”

“You tell me, princess.”

I pouted at my title. I guess he was returning my tease from earlier. “Well, i like that you trust me. I like that you're willing to try things with me. I think your photography is nice and i’m glad you have a passion. I think that it's cute when you spoon me or hold my pinky like you do.”

His face brightened to a heavy rose color and he straightened up as soon as Jae and Quinn came to the table. Jae tossed the car keys onto the table and sat down beside Quinn, rather than across from one another like Johnny and I were. They barely seemed to pay attention to us or their drinks and instead got wrapped up in their own little world full of intense kisses. Johnny and I face palmed at the same time.

“Were in public.” I groaned. “Cut it out.”

“Don't ruin our fun just because you two are weird and awkward.” Jae said.

“If ya'll were just gonna make out why did we even come out here? I could've stayed home.” Johnny interjected.

“I still wanted bubble tea. And we can get food later. I'm just a bit preoccupied now.” Quinn said.

I rolled my eyes and diverted my attention back to my phone which was a better sight than our best friends sucking the soul out of one another.

Im ready to die why are they like this

I texted Johnny.

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: we should just ditch them tbh

Omg, we cant. They rode with us. How would they get back?

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: who cares lmao

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: they can figure it out later

Be nice. Theyre still our friends

But would you care if I got some food after this? Im starving

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: fuck yeah. Where do you wanna go babe?

I smiled and looked up at him. He glanced up at me and returned my smile before nodding back at his phone, waiting for me to answer. Somehow texting made the both of us more comfortable than talking face to face. Blame it on on our generations addiction to technology or rather our crippling social anxiety.

Not to be weeb trash but there’s a japanese book store around here and it’s over by a bakery and a restaurant. I go there all the time. They have the best fried chicken

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: lets do it then

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: btw i watched naruto so i know anime

I couldn’t help the snort that got coupled with my laughter. I covered my mouth when i noticed the gross sound which made Johnny laugh too. 

Oh my god, stop right there. I can’t believe you just said that!!!

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: I still remember like half of the opening songs

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: dont make me serenade you

There is nothing more I want in this world than you to sing fighting dreamers while squawking like a parrot

Literally nothing would turn me on more johnathan

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: lol, bet. You’re gonna get just that tonight

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: also you know my name is just john right lol

Not anymore. You’re forever johnathan

😂😂😂😂😂

Johnathan’s cute. I like johnathan

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕:  i like johnny. I have like 4 different names and thats the least fucking complicated one

I know what you mean, i have too many names too and I hate all of them.

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: there’s more than just Eri?

Way more unfortunately. My 1st name has 12 letters in it

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: wtf lol

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: what is it?

Never telling. Ever. its a dead name to me. Im just eri

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: boooo ur no fun

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: i’ll tell you my korean name if you tell me your full name

Absolutely not. If i tell you i’ll have to kill you. Thats the rule

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: does quinn know it?

Don’t bring them into this. Quinn knows a lot of things about me that must never be spoken of

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: ahh so you ARE a serial killer then

Shhhhhhh dont let anyone know.

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: i dont think i can hide the fact that youre a serial killer eri lol

I can hide you

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: why do I have a weird feeling that was your attempt at flirting with me

Please ignore me i dont know how to have actual normal conversations

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: apparently we can only have them about traumatic experiences and kinks

Thats basically the basis of a successful relationship duh

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: relationship?

You know what i mean

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: do i?

I looked up at him as he was casually sipping and waiting for my response. Before i could say something or even think of what to say, the chair screeched back and Quinn stood up suddenly. “I'm gonna go to the bathroom, i'll be right back.” They announced.

I shrugged. “Oh...alright. We'll be here.” I watched them walk off towards the restrooms in the back of the cafe and saw that Jae was doing the same.

“I gotta piss too..” He left then too, following Quinn in a half jog, and i wanted to scream. Really? Right now? Right in front of my boba? I rolled my eyes and sighed.

“They're going to go fuck.” I said, when he was out of ear shot.

Johnny looked back at the direction of the bathrooms then back at me. “Time to get food then.” He stood up and grabbed the keys from the center of the table. “Come on.”

“Wait, no we really shouldn't!” I protested. “I'd feel bad if we left them here.”

“Do you feel bad that they ditched us to fuck in the bathroom?”

“Well….maybe not so much.”

“Than come on.”

I grabbed my drink and followed after Johnny as he headed back to the car. We got in and I directed him to the bookstore, our conversation still at a minimum. After we arrived, he resumed holding my pinky and following me as i strung him along to look at stationery and the large collection of manga on the upper floor. I wanted to buy everything and practically cried when I saw my fave series or even a figure that i was desperate to have. Johnny seemed to get a kick out of every time I geeked out and listened patiently when I explained something to him like an overly excited teenager. He even told me about some of the anime’s he used to watch as a kid, a few we had in common.

I took him down another row of filled shelves looking for a specific title I had in mind. This section was only filled with the Japanese prints making Johnny question my intentions. "You can't read Japanese. Don't they have English ones?"

"Mhm," i nodded as i bent over slightly searching for the right volume. "It's for Yuta. He's collecting My Hero Academia right now. I wanted to see if they had the next volume he needs."

"Hm." He scoffed. "Yuta."

"There's nothing wrong with looking for something for a friend."

"Never said there was. It's whatever."

I finally found the volume and snapped a quick picture of it to send to Yuta and asked him to come back down here when he had time. I started searching for another series he had in mind of starting when i felt something creep up my thigh. Johnny was behind me now, his fingers just barely under my skirt and rubbing across the band of my thigh highs. I straightened up and swatted at him. "Quit being a perv!" He smirked and set a kiss on my lips holding it long enough for me to worry about our PDA. "Dont make us like Quinn and Jae!" I whispered harshly.

"Sorry, i won't. I just needed it."

"Needed a kiss?"

He shrugged and kissed me again, this time quicker before he moved away from me and disappeared to another aisle leaving me to stay flustered. I grumbled and switched to find the English volumes of the manga section but got distracted by a rack of Rilakkuma plushies. The adorable teddy bear was one of my vices and I had spent more than I needed too on a few of the plushies here. There was one in particular that I didn't have that shone like a beacon of light in the sea of others. I crushed the plushie to my chest, happy at how soft and perfectly squishable it was. I looked at the price tag and winced, setting my dream plush down and retreating to the manga which i could afford.

I wasted almost a half hour mulling over which series I should buy- one i was close to finishing or another I had always wanted to collect. I sighed and picked the cheaper option, which still made me happy. I needed a new job asap but it was slim pickings in this stupid college town and the surrounding areas. I was flipping through the volume in my hand when Johnny appeared beside me, startling me.

"Hey, not to be a buzzkill but I'm hungry as fuck. Would you care if we went to go eat now?"

"Oh yeah! Sorry, i was reading through some of the volumes and got distracted with deciding what I wanted. We can go." I noticed he had a bag in his hand as he had apparently bought something. "Found something you liked?"

He simply nodded and i tried to sneak a peek to see what it was. He yanked the bag away and held it high above his head where he knew he couldn't reach. "Don't be nosey. Go pay for your stuff." He kissed the top of my head and I pouted before walking to the register and paying. The restaurant wasn't too far from the bookstore so we took the scenic route, walking hand in hand. I loved the way his fingers engulfed mine and made my entire hand disappear. I gave him a few squeezes to guide him in a new direction until we arrived. I pulled the door open for us and kept our hands entwined as we went to the line to order again.

Almost a half hour later we were still eating and actually laughing and having a flowing conversation. His laugh was so charmingly awkward that it resembled music to my ears. I could listen to him talk all day when he was passionate about something, his little lisp becoming more adorable to me by the second. I watched every motion his mouth made, falling into my secret oral fixation and noticing everything i found attractive- his overbite, his lisp again, his tongue reaching out to lick his lips, the small hiss he made as he sucked in air through his teeth when he was trying to think of something, and every once in awhile when he would sink his teeth into his bottom lip. He quirked an eyebrow at me, stopping mid sentence.

"What are you looking at?"

I snapped myself out of my daydream like state. "N-nothing, i'm just listening to you."

"I feel like you're staring, you weirdo." He chucked the balled up straw wrapper at me and i returned with my napkin ammo.

"I was not staring! I was just interested in what you were saying but now you're just being a jerk."

"I am not, whiny princess. I could just tell. Do i have something stuck in my teeth? Sauce on my face?"

I shook my head. "Nope, you're all clean."

He nudged his foot against my leg from beneath the table. "Then tell meeee."

"You'll laugh at me!"

"I'll always laugh at you but it's all in good fun."

I sighed and set my hands on my forehead, making a visor of my fingers and trying to block him from looking at me directly. "It's just a thing i have with mouths, ok?"

"Fuck, was i chewing too loud or something?"

I shook my head. "No it wasn't really when you were eating food it was more like when you were talking and stuff. It's just...a thing I have."

"I don't get it…"

"It's like a….like a fixation, ok? Can we move on before i embarrass myself more?"

"Fixation? Is this like a kink thing again?" He asked.

"No...a little. But not really I suppose. Just stuff I find attractive that draws me in i guess."

"So you just like notice stuff I do with my mouth?"

I set my head on the table wondering why i couldn't be a normal human being who didn't make a fool of themselves when they were with a boy they liked (read: loved). "Y-yeah…"

"So what did you notice, i'm curious. Is this more stuff that you think is cute about me? Hmm?"

"Yes...for the most part."

"Then tell me."

I sighed again and kept my voice low. "I watched you chew on your fork while you were talking. And i like your lisp."

"Please no."

I looked up at him and he was covering his mouth instantly. Great. Now i freaked him out for good. "'M sorry." I grumbled.

"I hate my lisp, it's the worst. Why do you even think it's cute?"

I shrugged. "I dont know. Maybe because i think you're cute. Maybe because i like how it adds to your accent. Maybe i'm just extra weird."

"You're the first person to ever tell me that, you know."

"I figured as much. I don't mention it often because it weirds people out. So, again, i'm sorry."

He chucked the napkin back at me making me look up at him. "What you think is weird is your normal. And hell yeah i think you're weird but you're interesting too. You keep me guessing and I never have any idea what you’re gonna say or make me feel next.” Johnny looked down at the small amount of food he had left and poked at it with his fork, taking his turn to avoid looking at me.

“Correct me if i’m wrong but are you being nice to me, Johnathan?”

“Don’t be gross.” He laughed. “You’re cute too, i guess.”

“Thanks, i’m flattered.” I rolled my eyes playfully and stood up. “I’ll be back, I’m gonna use the bathroom.”

“Sure, you don’t want me to come with you?” He joked.

“Please don’t. I actually have to pee.” I nudged his head as I walked by him and headed towards the bathroom. I checked my phone to see if Quinn had texted me or noticed that we were gone. There was nothing but an excited text from Yuta along with a kissy face selfie. I responded to him and finished up quickly before returning back to the table. I stopped when I was about to sit down as i was face to face with the Rilakkuma plush I had wanted back at the bookstore. “What did you do?”

Johnny shrugged. “I saw you looking at it so...i don’t know. I thought you might want it.”

“You...you didn’t have to…” I whispered. I was practically speechless and couldn’t even move. I just kept staring at it. I had never once expected him to do anything like this for me. This made everything absolutely worse. Not only did I have feelings for him but now he was being adorable and sweet and thoughtful. What a fuckin’ asshole! This was the last thing I needed from someone who only saw me as a fuck buddy. It was also going to mess with my head and my heart more and I was a total glutton for punishment. What the hell was I going to do with myself?

“Do you like it? You’re looking at it like it’s a bomb.”

I finally sat down and swiftly took the plush off the table and held it in my lap. “Thank you.”

“It’s not problem. I got a keychain too. One where he’s sleeping.”

“You got a Rilakkuma keychain?” I asked, stunned.

He unclipped it from his belt loop and held it up for me to see. “Yeah, why not? I liked it.”

“I just...didn’t peg you for a guy that would buy a stuffed animal for himself.”

“It kinda reminds me of you.”

We both looked at each other not sure of what had transpired. We were frozen in place and I could almost hear my heart thundering between my ears. I squeezed onto one of the plush ears trying to stabilize my anxious thoughts. Johnny swallowed hard and opened his mouth as if he was going to say something but a loud vibration of his phone on the table scared us both. I saw that it was Jae calling and Johnny picked it up.

“Dude, where the fuck are you!?’ I could hear him yelling through the phone.

“We left. We weren’t going to wait for you two to finish fucking and being gross.”

“Come back here and get us!”

“No way. You guys can find your own way home. Eri and I are going back to her place and then we’re gonna fuck.”

“Shut up!” I whispered harshly. “We can just go pick them up. It’s not big deal.”

Johnny shook his head at me, holding the phone a bit aways from his ear as Jae continued to yell. “No way in hell.” He mouthed at me.

I kicked at him under the table and gave him a stern look. “Go back.”

“They don’t deserve it.” Johnny hung up on his best friend and got up from the table. “C’mon. Let’s get going.” He grabbed our trays and tossed the garbage in the trash while i gathered my plush and purse.

“You’re ridiculous, you know that? We’re never going to hear the end of it.”

“And? It’s time for us to have our own fun now. Don’t worry about them.” He pulled me close to him and kissed me. “You ready?”

I knew it was wrong to leave Quinn and Jae behind butttt a part of me was still annoyed that they ditched us to go fuck. At least Johnny and I were going to hook up in the sanctity of my apartment and not in the middle of hanging out with friends. Besides, I did want to spend some alone time with him now. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to have some fun of our own. “Yeah, I’m ready Johnny.”

--

“Jesus, it's cold in here!” I said as i opened the door to my apartment. “I'm gonna get a blanket for us if you wanna find something to watch.”

“Sure.” Johnny shrugged and kicked off his shoes as he sat down on the couch. I went to my room and tossed my purse and plush on my bed before gathering my fleece blanket. I nudged my own shoes off and made my way back to the couch, barely being able to see with the blanket balled up in my face. Just as i was hoping that i wouldn't trip, my foot caught onto Johnny's vans and i almost landed face first on the floor. He caught me instantly though and I was plenty grateful. Knowing my luck i would’ve slammed my head on the side of the coffee table. “And you think I’m clumsy.”

“Shush!” I said, pawing at his hands on my waist. “You shouldn't have left your clown shoes in the way!” He forced me to face him, my body poised between his legs and hands firmly on my hips. “What?”

He remained silent and gently eased me forward as he relaxed back into the couch. I got the message and crawled into his lap, straddling him. His lips busied themselves with pressing tender kisses to my neck while his hands crawled along my thighs. The gentle actions were enough to make me shiver just a bit. I pushed his hair back gently and took his wire frames between my fingers, pulling them away from his face. He blinked a few times as if his eyes had to readjust. I reclined back to set them onto the coffee table before returning my attention to him. “Well…” I began. “Here we are.”

“I've been wanting to fuck you all day you know that?”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, i get it. The thigh highs. You're a slut.” I pouted. “I kinda...maybe…” I lowered my voice to just above a whisper. “I didn't mind hanging out with you today. I had a really nice time.” I was already kicking myself but i couldn't bare to hide my disappointment of my own true feelings. I did have fun with him. He made me laugh, genuinely laugh, and feel good. And the Rilakkuma he bought me would be something I cherished for a long time. I liked our date but I couldn't ask him out again, especially if he just wanted to fuck. Of course, that was my intention at the beginning as well but as usual I got caught up in trivial things that made me feel like I was actually important to someone.

“O-oh…” he said as if he wasn't even sure how to respond. I kept my gaze casted downward as my fingers twiddled away at a stray thread hanging from his shirt. “I mean...it was like cool and all I guess.”

He guessed. It stung. It really did. Even after the hand holding, kissing, and buying me things I was still nothing. But at least I knew what i was good for with him. “Yeah...Do you wanna….just get to watching stuff?”

He set his curled index finger beneath my chin and raised my head. “What's wrong?”

“Nothing's wrong, I'm fine.” I pushed his hand away and went to crawl off his lap but he instantly seized my waist again.

“Eri.” I hated the way his voice sounded when he was stern and reprimanding. It made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end and had my whole body melting into gooey mess.

“What?” I grunted.

“Tell me.”

“It’s nothing! I just thought you-it's stupid just forget about it.”

“Eri.” There it was again. Still after all these months his voice still drew me back in. I rolled my eyes and practically whined, despising that he was trying to make me talk about how i felt when he was the king of emotional suppression. It just wasn’t fair.

I tugged on the loose thread again, pulling it from the shirt completely. “I thought maybe you would've liked our date...the hang out thing I mean.”

“What makes you think i didn't?”

“You just said ‘it was cool and all i guess’. It sounds like you didn’t give a shit about it at all…”

“You want me to care about a date?”

“Yes! Wait, no! No, i do not.”

He raised a brow and squinted his eyes in confusion. “You don't?”

“I just- will you let me go? I don’t wanna talk about this anymore. Let's just fuck and get it over with.” I tried prying at his hands but he still wouldn't let me go, even when I started squirming.

“Eri.”

“Stop saying my name like that!” I snapped. I was failing at making it look like he wasn’t capable of making me lose my sanity. 

“Say it like what?”

“Like all….UGH! You're frustrating!”

“I think you're frustrating yourself.” He chuckled which made my entire face heat up.

“I am not! I don't care if you don't care about the date but was it even a date like i had a really good time but you didn't and now i feel all weird and i don't wanna feel weird but i do and you're just here just not caring and i don't know! Ok?! I don't know!” I rambled in one breath.

“Shut up, you idiot.” He cupped my face in his hands, practically engulfing my entire head before pulling me to his lips. He was right of course. I was frustrating myself and letting my emotions mix with my anxiety to create this brutal concoction of frustration and confusion. I wanted to push him away so i could breathe and probably run away yet he was taking his sweet time as if he needed every caress of my lips. “I did have a good time.” He licked at the soft fullness of them before landing another kiss  “A really good time. Why are you worried that I didn't?”

“Fuck if i know.” I whimpered. “You're fucking with my head.”

“Welcome to my world.” He pushed my hair away from my neck and planted kisses along my jugular. “Also do you not like it when i say your name?” His breath was dangerously close to my ear, his words a whisper that made my fingers dig into his shoulders harder.

“You were saying it all...harsh and commanding.”

“Did it scare you? I didn't mean to.”

I shook my head. “N-no. It um...actually turned me on.”

“Oh.” He pulled away from me. “Is it...like part of the daddy thing? Am i doing a good job? I really didn't notice.” He was blushing now but a small smile was creeping onto his lips as if he was proud of himself.

I returned the smile, my head feeling just a bit clearer. My ability to overthink everything was annoying when it swallowed my entire thought process. But his words were comforting enough to encourage me to breath and relax against him. “Yeah, you did a good job. You know you're kind of already a bit dominant right?”

“Uh really? I just thought I was being normal.”

“Remember your normal isn't the same as everyone else's. You just didn't notice or it seemed natural to you. It works. I also kinda like how growly you get.”

“Growly? I notice i do do that sometimes. I d-dont really mean to…” he said softly.

“Do it more often. Like a lot more often but don't force it. I like it when you do it when you’re fucking me from behind.”

“Wow uh, well ok.” He laughed nervously and darted his eyes away from me. “I will um...try and keep that in mind. For next time.”

“Now, you mean?” I set my hands on his chest and rubbed at the firm muscles beneath his shirt.

“Well...y-yeah, i guess.”

“It was your idea. Thigh highs remember.”

His gaze went back to my thighs instantly. “How could i fucking forget.” He slid his hands under my skirt and grabbed at my ass roughly. “What else do you have underneath here?”

“Do you think i'm going to show you that easily?” I smirked.

“You will. Get up.”

I ignored him and instead buried my face in his neck to give him small bites and licks. He didn't seemed too pleased with that as he landed a harsh smack to my ass, making me hiss. "F-fuck...jerk."

"Get up, Eri."

I shimmed off him and stood between his legs as he resumed his reclined position and rested his arms across the back of the couch. Slowly, i unzipped the back of my skirt, pulling away the suspenders and letting it fall to the floor. I pulled my shirt over my head, adjusting my hair once it was free and let him drink in the small fitting lingerie set. His eyes widened and his adam's apple bobbed within the tightness of his throat.

"What?" I started covering myself, suddenly becoming self conscious.

"W-wow…" was all he said.

"Wow, what?"

"Sorry, you just look…" he licked his lips and opened his legs a little wider. "You look hot."

"O-oh...” Was all I really managed to say. He took my hips in his hands again, pulling me gently to sit on the couch beside him. He caressed every inch of me while his lips crept closer to mine until they melted together. I trailed my hands beneath his shirt rubbing the softness of his stomach and begging to get it off so I could drink in his perfect body. Instead, he ignored my prying hands and pushed me down gently. I slipped one of the pillows that always resided on the couch behind my head while Johnny settled himself between my thighs. He focused his attention in trailing hot open mouth kisses and bites over my chest and winding down my stomach. Every bite was coupled with a soothing lick and a small whimper from me. I edged my hips up towards his mouth wanting him to mark my favorite spots. He dodged pleasing the place I wanted the most and grabbed a hold of my right thigh. He lifted my leg up to meet his lips and spent minutes on end kissing and rubbing every inch of it. I relaxed into his touches, feeling myself heat up at all the attention. “If this is how you’re gonna act every time I wear thigh highs then I’ll wear them more often.” I teased.

His eyes flickered up towards me but he remained silent. His lips went back to my inner thigh, kissing down to hover over my center, his bangs gently masking his face. I nibbled my lip nervously, wondering exactly what he was thinking and planning. The kiss was swift, pressed just above my clit and gone in an instant. I didn't ask him for more. That little act was enough progress for him and I couldn't help but feel a little bit proud. I smiled as I petted his hair back, whispering praises about how good he was making me feel. Again, he said nothing, seeming to be completely focused on giving the same attention to my left leg. His fingers danced across the soft fabric on my calf as his lips remained heated and eager. When he reached my ankle, he sat back on his knees and I heard the soft zip of his pants coming undone. He pulled off his button up, followed by his undershirt, yanking it up by the the collar and leaving them both by his shoes.

I pulled him close to me so we were flush together and wasted no time feeling the strong muscles in his arms. We locked eyes for a moment, smiling at one another before diving head first into another heated session of push and pull of our tongues. His hand rested over my neck, alternating between adding and releasing pressure while his hips ground into my budding wetness. I squeezed my legs around him, finding it a bit difficult to work around the minimal space we had on the couch. He didn't seem to care though and he was perfectly content with keeping his big body against me. I took in every degree of his warmth, grateful as i was about to be stark naked in a cold apartment.

"Take them off." I whispered between a kiss and suck to my tongue. I pulled at the nearest belt loop my fingers could reach. He let out a breathy sigh and worked them off. I could already see how filled out his boxer briefs were. The fabric was straining around him, barely keeping him in place. "Did my thigh highs turn you on that much?"

He didn't answer and instead buried his face in my neck while his hands worked my panties down around my ankles. After, he pulled my hand between us, setting it over his hardness. His breath cradled my ear in a plea. "Touch me." He whispered. My free hand dug into his hair while the other pulled the waistband down and set him free. He seemed thankful to finally get a bit of relief and the beautiful moan that he let out when i wrapped my hand around him was enough to almost make me cum right there. I shuddered a bit as that noise tickled my nerves and sent me into a fit of desperate hormones ready to take in every single inch of him.

He was already leaking so much that i could coat his sensitive skin with smooth glides and gentle squeezes. His teeth sunk into my collarbone, pinching my skin between the perfect rows and adding tenderness to the area. I flexed my fingers around his head, focusing rough pulls there as he started rutting his hips. He matched my pumps almost perfectly, shuddering curse words and vocal approvals into my skin. I eased his cock closer and he shifted his hips to press against my lower lips. My eyes fluttered closed as he rocked himself through my slickness. I circled my hips each time the tip of his cock flowed over my clit and ignited my lustful greed for him. A stiffer groan bubbled in his throat as he grabbed my hips firmly, keeping me steady so he could control all the movements. That small bit of control made me squirm beneath him, impatiently wanting to feel more of his fire fueled veins ride through my lips.

My thighs trembled ever so slightly, feeling the ridge of his head tease my clit once more. I let out a small mewl and felt as the mellow rocks of his hips slowed so he could press himself against my entrance. “W-wait, Johnny.” I pleaded.

“Hm?” He stopped entirely, waiting for me.

“We should use a...ya know.”

“What for? We’ve already done it without one.”

“Yeah but I don’t want to make a habit out of it. I’d rather be safe than sorry, ok?”

He sighed and bowed his head before getting up from the couch. “They’re in that box still, right?”

“Yeah.” I said softly. He wasn’t going to guilt me into fucking him again without a condom. I didn’t play that, no matter how good it felt only a week ago (or how much I kept thinking about it for that matter). While I waited for him to return I slipped my hand between my thighs, coating myself in my wetness and pressing two fingers inside. I sighed softly and closed my eyes, concentrating on the self pleasure. A few moments later, I felt the couch dip again and heard him chuckle lowly.

"Please. Don't let me interrupt." He kissed my knee and kept my thighs wide open to enjoy the view. I adjusted myself a bit lower on the couch and added a third finger before stretching myself open for him to see. I moved my fingers up towards my clit adding a few circles against it that made my back arch. I felt Johnny hover over me, taking my chin in his hand and making me face him. "You're not gonna cum like that."

"I know i'm not." I smirked and set my cum coated fingers in my mouth, enjoying the way his eyes widened and pupils dilated at the sight. I grabbed his ass, pulling him to me again before forcing myself down onto his length. He pressed me wide open, stretching me and filling me perfectly. His bottom lip was caught in his teeth and he moved my legs to rest on his shoulders. I had no idea what possessed him with the thought that I was some sort of contortionist pretzel but as soon as i felt him hit deep within me my eyes fluttered closed once more and i clutched onto his arms. I could barely handle it. Every move he made was  absolutely flawless and heavy with lust that it made me moan more than i'd ever done before.

My breath was barely existent and he took the opportunity to capture me in another kiss, digging his fingers into my hair to keep me close. He seemed different somehow. More attentive, more touchy, more focused on us. It was like he wanted to spend hours within me and torturing me with orgasm after orgasm. He began rolling his hips, my calves jerking and toes curling around his head. I whispered his name against his lips, a scarcely audible beg for him to never stop. The sensation was so overwhelming i could feel tears edging to my waterline.

"You feel so fucking amazing, Eri." He said as his brows furrowed and sweat beaded across his temples. My body warmed at his praise, rolling against him to beg for more for more and clawing at the back of the couch. "C-can i try something?"

I raised a brow, confused at the timing of his sudden question. "H-huh? What? I don’t want you to stop, please."

"No, i know, me either but...i thought you might like this." He removed his arms from keeping himself propped above me and instead clamped one around my throat and the other over my mouth. He dug his fingers into my neck sending a shock wave to my system. My eyes widened as I never excepted him to get so into choking me. I was sure that he was still tentative to the whole action but the fact that he was doing this for me made my heart flutter with the prospect of love once more. "Is this ok?"

I nodded eagerly, tapping at his hips to remind him to keep fucking me as he took every breath from my lungs. My head dove into a fuzzing space of semi consciousness and pleasure, drowning in my deprivation. My walls clenched tight, holding the pressure and sucking him in as if he could go any further within me. His entire frame shuddered and his palm pressed harder into me, sinking against my windpipe. I worked my hips back against him, a bit quicker as i needed the fast pace to add to my imminent orgasm.  "Mo-more?" He asked softly, through his uneven breaths.

All i could do was nod again, helplessly, as my scream was blocked out by the hand over my mouth and he plowed into me relentlessly. I could barely keep my sanity let alone my orgasm at bay, especially when his movements were coupled with those deep groans he made. My lungs were aching at this point and my stomach tightened. Every muscle in my lower half tensed and just as I tapped his forearm to free myself from his restriction, my back arched and sent my body into a spasm. It was intense, definitely more intense than my previous orgasms with him and I gulped down heavy breaths just to keep myself from going dizzy. He pulled me into his arms, keeping me against his chest and cradling my head as if to steady me. "Ssh, i got you." He said.

The light above me was blinding and i blinked rapidly as another shock wave zipped through me from head to toe. He edged my legs down from his shoulders leaving me to finally relax a bit more. I clutched onto him and squeezed my eyes so tight i could see colors flashing in the darkness of my lids. It took another minute or two until i had calmed down enough, feeling like a bit of a fool for having to completely recover from an orgasm. I hid myself in his shoulder, hoping he wouldn't think it was weird. He kissed my neck, my cheek, then my temple, before pulling away so my chest could fully expand.

"Can you get on your knees for me?" He asked as he sat back again. I instantly looked down at his cock which seemed to be painfully swollen and throbbing just a tiny bit. I wanted to take care of him and slowly eased myself up into his favorite position. It wasn't easy, especially with my legs feeling like utter jello but i managed to get there. I gripped the armrest and spread my knees to the width of the couch cushion. He wrapped his arm around my waist and pressed into me, making me wince. He stopped and slowed a bit, giving time for my tender walls to readjust to his girth. My shoulders dipped and i bowed my head, panting as he worked my hips back against him. I shifted a bit until it felt comfortable again.

He slid his warm hands up my sides to between my shoulders, unclipping my bra and pulling it down towards my wrists. I flung it away and let him engulf my breast in his hands, kneading harshly and pressing his torso against me. He held onto me tight and forced brutal thrusts into me, barely allowing me to keep up. I was already becoming a giant mess of emotions and couldn't bare another breathtaking orgasm no matter how much I craved it. I curled my nails into the fabric of the couch as I felt his thumb rub over my nipple between rough gropes. I breathed out his name like a swear and dipped my stomach downwards, allowing him to nudge at the sensitive bundle of nerves only a few inches within me. Every once in awhile he would pop out completely, just to fuck me ever so slightly with his tip before crashing back in. That simplistic addition was practically making my eyes roll into the back of my head.

I could already feel myself tiptoeing on that fine line of a second orgasm but I was holding back as much as i could. With the way his muscles were flexing against me I could tell he was trying not to lose his cool just yet either but was very close to failing. "Johnny…" I mewled and wiggled my hips back against him, trying to coax him to spill into the condom. He growled low and deep within his throat, naturally and without thought, as I looked back to see him still in deep concentration. I bit my lip and smirked to myself over my favorite sound he made.

"OH MY GOD!" 

My perfect fantasy world was ripped apart when my eyes flew open and i was staring directly at Quinn and Jae who had come in through the front door. I screamed and scrambled to get the discarded blanket from the floor and pull it to my chest. Johnny quickly pulled out and balled up his clothes to try and shield himself from view. "ERI! RIGHT ON THE COUCH?!"

I could tell my face was beat red and i had no idea what to even say. Jae was covering his eyes, avoiding us at all cost. "Dude, gross. Put some clothes on!"

"Shut up! You weren't supposed to be here!" Johnny yelled.

"THIS IS MY HOUSE TOO! FIRST YOU DITCH US AT THE BOBA PLACE AND NOW YOU’RE FUCKIN’ OUT IN THE OPEN?!” Quinn continued to yell.

“Excuse me! You guys were being gross and LEFT US to go fuck in the bathroom first! We had every right to leave you because we weren’t going to wait until ya’ll got your rocks off!” I yelled back.

“Can ya’ll like...leave? I don’t even want to sit on the couch now.” Jae said, peeking between his fingers.

“Fuck you, dude!” Johnny got up, still holding his clothes in front of him. “Fuckin’ idiots.” He turned and headed towards my room making Jae groan when he saw Johnny’s ass.

“Bro! Come onnnnnnnnnn! Gross!” He groaned.

“Well what the fuck do you want me to do, huh?! It’s kinda difficult to put skinny jeans on with a goddamn hard on!”

I got up as well, in no mood to continue to be in front of them and wanting to shrink away immediately. I wrapped the blanket around myself and sprinted to push Johnny into my room and slam the door shut. I threw myself face down on my bed and screamed into my pillow. “I want to fucking die!”

Johnny tossed his clothes to the floor and crawled in beside me, pulling my spare pillow over his face and groaning. “Why are they like this? Why do they always have to ruin everything, i swear to god!”

“Please put me out of my misery. I can’t believe Jae saw me naked. Not only naked but getting fucking plowed!”

“I swear if he mentions anything about the way you looked i’m decking him in the face.” Johnny snapped.

“Wait do you think i looked gross? Oh my god, i probably looked gross.”

“Why are you worrying what he thinks?!”

“Well, i mean- if i’m gonna be naked in front of someone I at least want to look good!” I buried my face deeper into the mattress, mumbling a “nevermind.” Johnny pulled the pillow off his face and sighed. He snapped off the condom, tossing it into the trash beside my desk as I finally pulled my face up from the mattress. He set the pillow under his head and stared at the ceiling a permanent scowl on his face. I inched my way closer and set my head on his chest, sighing deeply. “What are we going to do now?”

He set an arm behind his head and looked over at me. “I don’t know. I’m not going back out there. Maybe i’ll just nap or some shit.”

I bit my lip. “I mean...We could finish…”

“Are you really still worked up after getting embarrassed like that?"

"Well they're not gonna see us in here! And i'd rather not think about what Quinn is gonna say about seeing your whole ass when you go home and I have to face them."

He ran both if his hands over his face and groaned again. "Christ…"

"Besides they act like I've never done shit on the couch! I gave Lucas a blowjob there!"

Johnny glared at me before rolling over. "Seriously?"

"What?" I asked confused. "What happened?"

He adjusted himself as best he could and didn't say another word. I shook his shoulder gently. "Whaaaattt?" He still didn't say anything which made me pout. "Johnny, why are you being grumpy?"

He shrugged me off his shoulder but I set my head on it instead. "Daddyyyy, tell me." I rubbed his chest and slid my hand down his stomach.

"Dont even." He grumbled.

"Then tell me."

"I'm fine."

I kissed at his shoulder then moved to his neck. "Nah-uh. You got all grumpy all of a sudden and i need to know why." I tiptoed my fingers lower, trailing down his body hair to grip his base. He grunted and still tried to ignore me. I made a hard bite just beneath his jaw before grabbing a handful of his hair and pulling back harshly. He hissed and grabbed at my wrist. "Tell me." I commanded. His eyes turned into slits as he gave me a death glare before tackling me, however with my bed being so small, we completely rolled over and fell onto the floor with a hard thud. I landed on top of him, straddling his lap. We looked at each other and burst into laughter.

"We can't win, can we?" I giggled.

"I guess not." He smiled as he pulled me down onto his chest and kissed me, pushing my hair out of my face. "I took the condom off because I figured you wouldn't wanna keep going."

"Hmm, i could go all night with you." I gave him a kiss and he rose to prop himself of his elbows.

"Well damn, i'm all for that." He smirked.

I shimmied off him and grabbed another from my box, eager to get back into action. He got up from the floor and back onto the bed while i tore the wrapper open and got between his knees. "You know...it was really hot when you choked me like that."

"I could tell you really liked it. I thought you were having an exorcism with the way you came so hard."

I rolled my eyes and blushed. "Don't flatter yourself too much." I rolled the rubber onto him and pushed him down onto the bed. He dragged me with him, positioning me to be his little spoon and pulling my legs open. I bit my lip and hid shyly into my pillow as he guided himself back into me. He sighed softly against my heated skin and kept my leg secured in his arm. I encouraged his thrusts, grinding myself back against him while his other arm slipped under my head and crossed over my neck, crushing my throat once more. I gripped the blanket beneath me tight, trying to steady myself in any way possible. Johnny bit at the back of my neck, keeping his control over me. I let out a strangled whimper when his hips sped up, snapping harshly against my ass.

I gripped at his hand that rested by my propped up leg and carried his fingers to my wetness. I wanted attention to my excited bundle of nerves but instead I felt his middle finger press into me in conjunction with his cock. I arched against him as that little extra addition stretched me further than i thought I could ever go. My fingers flexed with tension, practically shaking as my mind went blank. I could barely make out his cocky strangled whispers as I slipped closer towards another orgasm. He was curling his finger as much as he could while digging deep to the hilt inside me. I was squirming desperately and clamping down around him. He moaned my name deeply after a hard clench, his cock throbbing with his release. As he filled me, he slipped his finger out and gently rubbed at my clit, adding to the sensitivity. His hold across my neck loosened and i laid my head back on his shoulder, feeding into the loving attention. He stayed within me, his warmth filling my lower half while my cum covered him completely with my second orgasm, slightly dripping down between my cheeks.

We laid together for awhile, not saying much while we recuperated our breaths. He set my leg down and instead wrapped his arm around my waist keeping his chest pressed against me. I sighed and joined my fingers with his, giving his hand a slight squeeze. He nuzzled the back of my neck and stayed like that, drifting into sleep. It took me a bit longer to try and rest and i found myself distracted by the Rilakkuma plush that had fallen to the floor. I stretched my arm all the way out, reaching for it while trying not to disturb Johnny too much. My fingertips just barely grabbed it by the ear and I pulled it close, snuggling it to my chest.

I felt happy, more so than I was used to and the fact that it was caused by Johnny scared me the most.

--

We had spent days texting each other, sending stupid memes, videos, and sweet good morning snapchats. He would occasionally send me short clips of him playing around on his keyboard which made me feel warm with hope that he was getting his creativity back. I dared to share videos of me practicing guitar but never me singing. I was always out of frame too as i was still too shy to show him all of me. Quinn would grill me every time i stopped whatever i was doing to answer him immediately. Those little messages were starting to carry a lot of weight and even more so when they turned into late night facetime sessions or the occasional phone sex. I had even saved a selfie of him as his contact photo that would pop up every time he called.

Our little bit of free time was spent together, watching shows on Netflix, episode by episode, or even having online Overwatch matches where we would curse each other out. I never wanted to be healer and he wouldn't cover me when i needed him most. It was a pain but still proved to be a good time and we almost always ended up laughing in the midst of battle. He was even patient with listening to some of my band recommendations though he still wasn't too keen on some of the heavier stuff I listened too. I appreciated him trying though. It would suck when we would have to work and couldn't pay attention to our phones to respond as much. Tonight was one of those nights. I knew he was closing at the cafe and i was eagerly waiting for his response for when we could hang out next. Somewhere around 10:30 i got a phone call from him instead.

"Heyyyyyy beauutifullll." He said with such saccharine sweetness i knew he was up to something.

"What do you want?" I said flatly, needing to get past his little cover up.

"So...remember like a week or so ago when we went to get Boba and left Jae and Quinn at the place?"

"Yes?"

"So….he kinda got back at me."

"What do you mean?"

I heard him sigh deeply. "So this morning he said something was wrong with his car and asked to borrow mine. He promised to take me to work and pick me up while he tried to figure out what was wrong. Well i've been trying for like over a half hour to call him and even tried Quinn but neither one of them are answering. And uh...this isn't my pay week so I'm broke as fuck and cant afford an uber. Sooo….would you be able to come pick me up?"

"See, i told you we should've gone back to get them! But noooo, you had to be so headass about it!"

"Yeah yeah! Save your 'i told you so's'. Can you just pick me up? Please? It's cold out here and I'm freezing my ass off. It's starting to snow."

I sucked my teeth. "Fine. You owe me."

"I'll steal you some cake pops and breakfast sandwiches tomorrow."

"Deal. Give me 10 minutes. I'll be there."

"Thanks, you're awesome."

"No shit." I smiled. "I'll see you."

He hummed a goodbye and we hung up. I pulled on my fleece lined sweatpants and my winter layers before trudging out to my car. There was only a thin layer of snow on the windshield so i thankfully didn't have to stand outside and dust it off. I cranked up the heat as soon as I got in and headed towards his job. It didn't take me long to see his dark figure in the stillness of the parking lot. He ran up to the car, his breath visible puffs and nose bright red.

"Fuck, it's cold! Thanks, babe." He climbed in and shut the door and I noticed he looked completely drained and tired. His dark circles were more prominent and his smile seemed a bit forced.

"Are you ok?" I asked, concerned.

"Huh? Yeah, i guess. Why?"

"You seem like you could pass out at any minute. Have you been getting enough sleep?"

He chuckled. "Uh, no. When do I ever? I'm running on coffee and energy drinks."

"That isn't good Johnny…" i set my hand over his. "You need a break."

"Yeah tell my bosses that. It ain't gonna happen, princess."

"Have you eaten?"

"Don't have money too. Too busy at work to eat either. I'll figure something out when i get home."

"Johnny, what the fuck." I sighed and put my car in reverse and backed out of the parking spot. "You're coming home with me." I switched into drive and headed back to my apartment.

"No offense, but i'm not particularly in the mood to fuck right now. I know, shocking, but my feet and back are killing me."

"I'm going to feed you and you're getting a bubble bath."

"A what? I don't take bubble baths. That's like...girl stuff…"

"I will slap you. Bubble baths aren't a gendered activity, idiot. Everyone needs to get clean." I rolled my eyes. "You're doing what I say and i'm not getting any back talk about it, got it?"

He put his hands up in mock defense. "Fine, fine. Whatever you say." He closed his eyes and rested his head back in the seat and I was sure he was dead asleep in seconds.

I took my time driving home, letting him enjoy his quick nap. I gently shook him awake when i pulled into my lot and he shuffled out of the car like a zombie, following me to my door. We tossed our coats and hats on the floor, not bothering to hang them up and set our wet shoes on the doormat. I went to work cooking pasta (the quickest and cheapest thing I had to fill him up) while he stretched out on the couch to fall asleep again. He woke up instantly once I held the steaming bowl of finished spaghetti by his face and devoured it like a ravenous dog, asking for seconds soon after. I filled up his bowl again and set some aside for me, eating much slower than he was.

"I'm gonna get the bath going for you, ok?" I said once I was done.

"I can just shower you know."

"Baths help relax your muscles. Didn't I say no back talk?"

He rolled his eyes and left me to my own devices. I made sure the water wasn't too boiling before adding a bath bomb and a ton of bubble bath soap, bath oil, and some epsom salt. I even tossed in some soap flower petals I had gotten from the local dollar store and always used when i took my baths. I lit the candle that stayed on the top of the toilet tank and surveyed my handiwork. It was about to be a fun time. "Johnny!" I called out to him. "It's ready!"

He came into the bathroom and took one look at the bath and almost walked out. "What the hell is all of this?"

"Clothes off. Get in."

"Eri, this is ridicu-"

I pulled at his shirt. "You smell like sweat and gross coffee. Naked. Now."

He pulled his shirt over his head and nudged his socks off with his toes. "Don't you think it's-"

"Pants. Lets go."

He pursed his lips and slid off his dress pants and underwear. "Alright, fine. I'll get in." He walked over to the tub as if it was going to attack him and dipped his foot in slowly. "You want me to boil in there?! Why is it so hot?"

I rolled my eyes at him acting like a baby and turned on the cold water to bring it to a better temperature for him. "Try that."

He dipped his foot in again and seemed satisfied with it. He slowly sunk down and settled as best as he could given his long limbs. He stood quiet for a second before looking up at me. "This is the shit."

"Oh my god. I told you! You're over here with your fragile masculinity about taking a bath. It's the best thing ever! Hashtag self care, homie."

"Get in here with me." He grinned.

"Oh, and where am i gonna fit when you take up the entire tub?"

"We'll figure it out, just come in here. The water's niceeeee."

"Yeah because i made it that way." I left the bathroom adding that i would return in a second. I went back to the kitchen and pulled out the last two beers I had, flicked off the caps and took it back to the bathroom.

"Helllll yeahhhh." Johnny perked up when he saw what i had in tow. I handed them over to him to hold while i discarded my clothes and maneuvered myself between his legs with plenty of difficulty. My tub wasn't made for a giant and me put together. Eventually we settled into a mostly comfortable position and i rested my head back against his chest, sipping at my beer. He seemed to be preoccupied by gathering suds in his hands and squishing the bubbles like a big kid. I took another sip and set the glass bottle onto the floor a little bit aways from the tub.

"You look like a toddler playing with the bubbles like that." I laughed.

"I'm just having fun. Besides, i can do this with them." He smooshed a handful of suds into the side of my face, catching me completely off guard.

"Oh you ass!" I wiped my face and flung the bubbles at him, getting it in his hair and face. He set his beer down beside mine and tried grabbing me, making water splash over the edge of the tub. I was a giggling fit as we tried to see who could cover who in the most bubbles. He splattered more into my hair though I was trying to block him as much as I could. I had closed my eyes for fear of getting soap in them and swatted at him until i felt him grabs my wrists and pull me close. We were still laughing out asses off until i wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him.

"Isn't this better than some boring shower?" I smiled.

"Yeah, everything's better with you...but i do actually have to get clean. My hair is greasy as fuck."

"Oh, hold on. I grabbed my shampoo from the corner of the tub and pumped some into my palms. I slathered it into his hair, pushing it back before dipping my hands in the water. I scratched at his scalp, rubbing the shampoo in and making sure any didn't get into his face. He didn't protest at all and instead leaned into my chest, letting me take care of the rest. I wiggled onto my knees to get better access to him and he of course took the opportunity to grabs my ass, laughing when he slapped it and made suds fly about. I smacked the back of his head playfully and demanded he stay still when my nails were digging into his scalp.

He kissed my chest and neck, promising he would be a 'good boy' and making me roll my eyes. Eventually, i grabbed the shower head and rinsed off his hair though he shook the water from it like a dog and doused me. I proceeded to force the shower spray in his face which only made him grab me again and practically dunk me into the water. He was barely relaxing but definitely smiling and having fun which i guess was still a win. When i slid back up he wiped the suds away from me and kissed me, keeping me cornered between the edge of the tub and his body. I smiled into the kiss and wrapped my arms around him again getting lost in my usual happy place.

We stayed like that until the water ran cold and made us shiver. I drained the tub and turned the shower on letting him fully wash up and get conditioner in his hair. There was a bit of a distraction when he was "helping me get clean" and his hands dove between my thighs. I almost fell for it because he always knew how to work me up in seconds but i was able to keep him at bay and make him rinse off. I stepped out the shower first, wrapping my hair in a towel and getting another for around my body. I padded out to the linen closet to get a spare and tossed it at him while he stood dripping in the tub. I went to my room to scope out some of Lucas' clothes that Johnny could wear for pajamas- well if he wanted to. He always did sleep naked. He came into the room a few minutes later, towel wrapped around his waist and still dripping just a bit.

"Did you actually want to sleep in clothes tonight? It is pretty cold." I asked.

"Yeah tha’ts fine….is that my hoodie?" He asked as he caught sight of his hoodie that rested over my desk chair. I had kept it since the night after the Halloween party.

"O-oh….yeah, uh… do you want to wear that?"

"I almost forgot you had it. It's like my favorite hoodie too." He grabbed it and briefly gave the hood a sniff. "Hm…"

"What?" I asked before pulling a pair of sweatpants out of the drawer for him.

"Nothing, it just smells like you now."

I raised a brow. "Uh...sorry?"

"Nah, its cool...how often were you wearing it?"

I didnt need him to know i slept with it on almost every night so i shrugged coolly. "Eh, once or twice. I didn’t really pay attention to it."

"Mhm." Was all he said before I handed him the sweatpants and he pulled them on. He crashed face down onto my bed, groaning happily as he finally got to lay down. I finished drying my hair, tying it up, and pulled on my comfy oversized pjs. I got in bed beside him and kissed at his bare shoulders.

"Do your muscles still hurt?" I asked.

"A little. Mostly my lower back. It was truck day so of course i had to get all the boxes of coffee and shit organized and lift every thing. I'm just ready to sleep."

I slipped over his hips and ran my hands over the small of his back. "Do you want a massage?"

He looked back at me. "What?"

"A massage. Like you know, to relieve some of the tension?"

"Oh...ok?"

"What? You never gotten one before?" I laughed at his incredulousness.

"Not really. I usually do it for girls to get them in the mood or whatever. Touch their tits."

"You're definitely the romantic." I shook my head and dug my palms into his lower back hearing a few vertebrae crack. He cursed softly and i felt his entire body relax beneath me. "There you go, dummy. That’s better."

I worked my hands over his muscles, sliding them across his shoulders and working my thumbs into the back of his neck. "Damn Eri, what did I do to deserve you?" He chuckled.

"I mean, i'm definitely the best you've ever had and the best you'll ever get." So why don't you ask me to be your girlfriend already?

He snorted. "Yeah, sure. I will say though that you've got the best ass and you're turning me into an ass man for sure."

"And a thigh man too."

"All of it." He smirked.

"Get into anal, then we'll talk." I cracked a bit more of of his spine before leaning down to kiss his cheek.

"Hm, doubt it." He closed his eyes and pulled my Rilakkuma plushie that had become my sleeping partner close to him. Why did he have to be so fucking cute? It was getting impossible to ignore my feelings for him no matter how hard i tried to suppress them. It was bad enough that he made me laugh and smile but we were actually getting along pretty well. He was starting to seem absolutely perfect and yet...he would never have feelings for me. I sighed internally as i slid off him and pressed myself into his back, becoming the big spoon. He didn't move or shrug me off so I assumed he didn't care. That or he was already passed out which seemed like the most logical explanation.

I pulled the covers over us and wrapped my arm tight around his waist. Eventually the stillness of the air around us and the calmness of his breathing got to me. Slowly, i started falling asleep, encased by his warmth and my feelings of never wanting him to let go.

--

Johnny's POV

I felt hands grabbing at me, clutching at my shoulders and chest. I tried to block them, shove them away. I pleaded for them not to touch me. I didn't need to feel used again. Or dirty. Or weak. I screamed then, burning my lungs as tears rolled down my face.

"JOHNNY! WAKE UP!"

The voice was different then what I was expecting and I opened my eyes to see her face full of worry with a red mark on her cheek. "E-Eri?" I could barely speak.

"I think you were having another night terror. I-i was trying wake you up but you kept fighting…"

"D-d-did I hit you?"

"I mean...i know it was an accident. You were in a state of panic." She dragged her thumb across my cheek and I could feel her wipe at the tears there. They hadn't stopped flowing and i realized how much of a fool I was. I never cried in front of anyone. I would never show that side to me. Not only had I told her my deepest secrets but she had watched me have not one but two night terrors. Now here I was crying-no, sobbing- like a little bitch. I had to leave. I shoved her away quickly, probably harder then i needed to and got up from the bed. I was in a rush to pull on my hoodie and get to the front door while she was calling out to me to slow down. I couldn't bare too.

I ran out of her room, wiping furiously at my face. I gathered my coat from the floor and shoved my feet into my work boots. Quinn was just coming through the door and stopped as she saw me. "Johnny? Are you ok?"

"Did Jae drop you off?! Is he still downstairs?!"

"Wh-what? Yeah. Did something happen between you and Eri?"

"Johnny!" I heard Eri cry out. I moved Quinn out of the way and took the stairs two at a time, calling out to Jae as another wave of tears threatened to push through. I threw the front door open and waved at him, his eyes widening as he sat in my car. I got in the passenger seat as fast as I could.

"Johnny, i can explain-"

"Drive!"

"What? What happened?"

"JUST DRIVE!"

"Fuck! Ok!" He hit reverse and backed out before speeding away from the apartment. "What's going on, bro?"

I covered my face with my hands and rested my elbows on my knees. "I can't do this anymore. They're getting worse. I cant fucking do this."

"What's getting worse? Did Eri do something to you? I'll turn this car around right now, i swear to god."

"No. No. Just go home. Please just take me home."

"You need to tell me what's happening. I mean it." He said, sternly.

"Not right now. Later. I can't...fuck, i can't…" i sniffled and rubbed at my eyes again, trying to make sure I didn't shed another tear. Jae didn't say anything after that but I could tell he wanted to. I just needed to know why I couldn’t get over this. It had been over a month since it initially happened but only a couple weeks since she had left me alone for good. I had spent so much time with Eri that I thought it would be over but she could only do so much. And now i had hit her, an accident, but it still brought me back to how I felt when the bruises were all that were left of Rixi’s torture. I pressed my head against the cold glass of the window and watched as the street lamps passed by.

"I really worry about you…" Jae said in Korean, which meant he was completely serious.

"Yoonoh, i said not now." I replied. My Korean wasn't the best of the best and my accent was complete shit compared to his but I could at least hold a conversation.

"I know not now, we don't have to get into it but i still wanted you to know. I'm here for you and if she so much as hurt you-"

"She didn't. Eri would never. I know she wouldn't. But...I just keep reliving what happened and can’t let it go. That's all."

"Maybe...you should try like therapy, man. They have those groups for survivors and-"

"I'm not a fuckin' charity case and i don't need therapy. I'm not gonna sit there being the only dude and get laughed at. I can deal with it on my own." I snapped.

"Can you? Because it doesn't seem like it." He said, softly.

"I don't even know anymore…"

He pulled up to our place and i walked ahead of him which was when i realized i had left everything in Eri's room. I sighed and set my head against the door wondering if Jae would go back and get my keys, wallet, and cell phone for me. I didn't want to face her. After all how did you face the person you had feelings for when you just cried right in front of them.

--

Eri's POV

He hadn't talked to me in a couple weeks again which was starting to become the most annoying and frustrating thing about him. Just when i thought i was breaking his walls down he would block me off again. It was like all those perfect moments we shared together meant nothing at all and we were back to square one- or square zero for that matter. I kept promising myself that no matter what Johnny did to try and weasel his way back into my life I wouldn't let him. I couldn't fix him, i couldn't stop his night terrors or anxiety, and I sure as hell couldn't get him to admit that he needed more help than i could give. It wasn't my job to build him back up even if i was okay helping him out a little. I still did care about him and didn't want him to suffer but I also had to move on for my sake.

However, the way I coped with everything was my favorite self destructive habit. The other lead singer of my band, André, had invited me over for a house party with some of the other people we normally played with at the club. Even a few of our friends who were on tour had come down to our shitty little college town to see us. It had been about a year since they had gone on tour and I was so damn happy to see them. Too many drinks later we were jumping on the couch and breaking shit, playing riff after riff on our guitars and laughing our asses off at stupid stories. I had no idea how many people I kissed or how many times someone asked me to hook up with them. Headbanging made me dizzy but i did it anyway. Hanging around a bunch of metalhead dudes was not the time to punk out. I stopped myself from puking a few times and managed to get a round of Three Amigos in; my specialty. One shot of Fireball, one shot of Honey Whiskey and a last shot of Bourbon.

That pushed me over the edge into bad decision territory. I stepped out of the apartment for a minute in a fit of drunken giggles. I unlocked my phone and trailed through my contact list ready to make a fool of myself. I dialed the number and waited. It only rang two times before he answered.

"Eri?" He sounded confused and a little bit sleepy. My sense of time was distorted.

"Heyyyyyy cutie. How's it going?" I giggled.

"Fuck, you're drunk."

"Absolutely not! I'm just a little tipsy, that's all baby, I swear."

"Yeah, no. You're drunk. I'm the last person you'd be calling."

"I miss your dick though. A lot. I think about it sometimes. It felt good. So good…"

His tone changed a bit, voice getting a little deeper. "Oh? Yeah? I guess I can admit I’ve thought about you a few times too."

"But you hate me!" I whined. "You're always so mean to me and you never talk to me!"

"I don't hate you I just hate the shit surrounding you is all. It's too much drama. I just want to fuck you without any problems."

"You can fuck me. Please fuck me."

"Eri…" I heard him sigh softly. "I can't, baby. You're drunk. That's literally illegal."

"Nooooo, no. I'm not I swear. Can I come over in a bit? Will you stay up for me? I'll make it worth your while."

"If you come over i'm just gonna have to babysit you and make sure you don't choke on your own vomit."

I let out a frustrated grunt, his name coming out short and snippy. "For the last time i'm not drunk. I want you to fuck me, ok? All these idiots at this party want me but I don't want any of them. I want you. I want you...all of you. For the rest of the night."

"Why do you do this? You're a heartbreaker and a fucking tease, you know that?"

"That's how I get them to keep coming back." I smirked. "Do you really not hate me? Like...for real."

"I meant what I said. I really don't hate you. I've thought about you more than enough. I've thought about when I was inside you, when we kissed, the way you looked at me when you came, how good you looked at the summer party. I've wanted you for awhile but never had the guts to say so, and always hated the shit you brought around."

"I'm a good girl, i swear. I won't cause any trouble. I really need you. Please?"

"Ok, ok...promise me you'll sober up first. And for the love of god don't drive. I'll call you an uber if you need one."

"Hmm, no. I'll be ok. I'll be there soon. Just be ready for me."

"You're a pain in the ass, i hope you know that."

"So are you, jerk." I giggled. "Bye." I hug up my phone, biting my lip as I was happy to get my hook up for the night. I missed him a little and needed to get my mind off of everything and he was the perfect distraction. Suddenly, the door swung open and my arm was grabbed.

"Why are you out here?! We need you to show Justin that he doesn't know shit about a good solo!" André said. "You need to kick his ass!"

"Ok! Ok! But only one. I've got to get somewhere after and sober up."

"Boooooo! That's boring! Where the hell do you need to go?"

"To get laid, duh! Where else would I go?"

"Oh great. Did Crystal call you up again? She was supposed to be coming soon." He said.

"Nah, not Crystal. An old flame. But tell her that she's more than welcome to get back in my bed and be tied up." I set my arm around his shoulder and lead him back into the apartment. "Now let's show that dumbass who's the head bitch in charge around here."

It was another hour or so before I left. I wanted to at least get some water in me before I headed over to his place. The snow on the ground had turned into slush as the past few days had been rainy. Tonight was barely any different. When I had gotten into the uber it was drizzling but as soon as I got to the apartment it had turned into a torrential downpour. The quick walk to the front door had me soaked in seconds and absolutely freezing. I knocked on the door fast hoping he was still up like he promised.

It took a minute but he opened the door. His eyes widened at my shivering state and pulled me in quickly. "Jesus, what happened to you?"

"It's p-pouring and like 30 degrees out. I'm f-fuck-fucking freezing."

He pushed the wet hair away from my face and cupped my face in his hands. I clutched onto his tank top, desperate for warmth and for his touch. He kissed my trembling lips and after such a long time of not being with him i realized exactly what made me hook up with him in the first place. He was always so attentive and ready to please me that it made my heart burst into a fast paced sprint. "Let's get you a hot shower, ok? Don't need you catching a cold, angel."

"Hmm, you know i'm far from an angel, but I will take the shower with you.” He closed the door as i took off my leather jacket and untied my combat boots, yanking them off and almost stumbling to the floor. He caught my shoulder and helped me straighten up.

"You good?"

I giggled. "Yeah, definitely." I took his hand and headed towards his bathroom. "C'mon Taeyong, I promised to make it worth your while didn't I?"

[hiromystory]

Warmth of the Devil (Lucifer Prompt Fill Ficlet)

Since I wrote one of those stuck-in-a-cabin-with-wings-tm fics (here), I thought I’d try tackling this @luciferprompts prompt for @kikitsa-di:

“Yet another story with a cabin. Stuck there in the cold.... BUT! Instead of wings, Lucifer warms Chloe with his devil’s side. Supernatural warmth and stuff!”

Warmth of the Devil

She was shivering almost uncontrollably when he pulled her out of the water. 

When their suspect had run out on the frozen lake, the Detective had chased right after him. Turned out the ice wasn’t as thick as it seemed. Lucifer had been several paces behind when he saw first Gary Harrington and then Chloe fall through the cracking ice. His heart had nearly stopped when she disappeared into the dark. Belly to the ice, he plunged his arms into the freezing water. When he felt fabric, he wound his hands into it and yanked upward with his considerable strength.

His relief when he saw her blonde hair was matched only by that when he heard her gasping for breath. He brushed wet hair from her face.

“Th-th-thanks, Luci-cifer,” she gasped.

He shook his head, denying she needed to thank him, too worried to make a quip. Pulling her in his arms, he very carefully brought her back to shore.

She clung to him, huddling closer to his warmth. She really was shaking quite violently.

For the first time since that cursed day with Cain, he regretted the loss of his wings. He wanted nothing more than to fly the Detective to safety as he’d done once before. But all that was in the past.

The best he could do was a cabin he’d seen down the road as they’d chased Harrington through the woods. With any luck, there would be heat or a phone. If he could see the Detective safe, he would make the trek to collect the car.

The door opened under his touch, of course. He couldn’t help the satisfied smile as he carried the Detective inside. The cabin was just a one room arrangement with a bed to one side and a kitchen to the other. He carried the Detective over to the bed and laid her down.

“Lucifer, w-where are we? I-I’m r-r-really c-cold.”

“Just that quaint little cabin we scooted by earlier. Everything’s going to be okay, Detective. We’re going to get you properly warmed up.”

She nodded. “Th-thanks.”

“First off, let’s get you out of these wet clothes.” He unzipped her sopping coat and helped her out of it.

“H-How l-long…”

He looked at her in question.

She gave him a slight smile despite the shivers. “…have you been t-trying…”

He was struck dumb for a moment before barking out an amazed laugh at her joke.

“I had something else entirely in mind, you know. Come on, arms up,” he ordered.

She complied, and he pulled her sweater off. He did his best not to look at her sodden bra. He really did.

She reached for the fastening of her jeans but seemed to be having trouble getting them undone. He reached out to help and hesitated and reached out again and…bloody hell, what was he supposed to do?

“Here,” he said, stopping her fumbling fingers. 

He pulled the soaked jeans down her legs. Her skin was red and distressingly cold. He tucked her under the blankets, and went to see about heat. No dice for electricity, but there was a wood burning stove with wood inside. He glanced over at the Detective. He didn’t want to frighten her, but she wasn’t paying any attention. He willed the wood to ignite, and it did.

When he returned to the bed, she was curled up in a ball under the covers, quite still. He laid a hand on her shoulder.

“Detective?” No answer. He sighed and tried again. “Chloe?”

“Hmmmmm?” she murmured, but didn’t open her eyes. 

She wasn’t shivering anymore. Lucifer knew enough to know that was bad. Very bad.

He stood up and paced across the room and back, running his hand through his hair. Desperate times and all that. She’d understand. He stripped off his coat and jacket. His shirt was also wet from carrying her, so that went, as well. He tucked under the covers and wrapped himself around her back, putting his arms around her.

She was ice against him. He cursed the loss of his wings again. Wings were designed for insulation. And he didn’t have them.

“M’cold,” she slurred sleepily, pushing back as close to him as possible.

His heart raced. Fear, he realized. He also felt an unaccustomed twinge of guilt. He’d been the Devil on her shoulder saying they should drive up into San Bernardino Mountains after their suspect, jurisdiction be damned. He’d been selfish, wanting to spend the car ride together. Somehow, he’d persuaded her.

“Where’re we?” she asked again, faintly. Her breathing was shallow.

“A cabin,” he reminded. “You fell in the water. We need to get you warm.” He took a deep breath. “I have an idea how I can help warm you up, but…it’d be…in my devil form. I’m…really very much warmer…like that.” He held his breath.

“Okay,” she agreed far too easily. “Just wanna be warm…”

Bloody hell, he thought again. He was going to do this.

At least she was facing away from him.

He concentrated and shifted form. That was something new since that day with Cain, too. Shifting in either direction took more effort than he was used to.

She sighed, perhaps at the new warmth, but didn’t stir otherwise. He looked at the red flesh of his arms wrapped around the pale milk of her skin. He had to close his eyes for a moment. The emotions rising up were overwhelming. And even with the help of Dr. Linda, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to name them all. He breathed in through his nose. Sometimes he didn’t think he was at all equipped for this.

He tightened his hold on her. Her breathing seemed to be evening out, steadier and less shallow, which was good. He was incredibly tense between his worry and his discomfort at what he’d been forced to do. He didn’t think he could possibly relax…or sleep.

Which was why he was so surprised when he blinked awake sometime later.

The Detective had shifted while he’d slept, and was now facing him, pushed up against his bare chest—his red and scarred bare chest. Her eyes were closed, but he didn’t think she slept still. Something about her breathing, probably what had roused him. He froze.

Before he could wake up enough to even begin to think about shifting back, she opened her eyes. She blinked, peering up at him. He damn well knew what she was seeing.

He both heard and felt her intake of breath. But she didn’t pull away or scream or anything else he feared. He held his breath as glowing eyes met blue ones.

He hadn’t confronted her with this side of him since the day she’d seen. They’d both studiously ignored the details as they’d tried to put together the pieces. It had been fine with him. They’d been making progress.

Now, though, he felt paralyzed. There was no hiding from her gaze, even if he scrambled to change, something that felt strangely out of reach.

She breathed out, and he felt her breath tickle on his chin as she reached up to trace her hand on his cheek.

“Thank you,” she said for a third time that night. And she settled herself with her cheek against his scarred flesh once more, body stretched out along the warm length of his.

Lucifer didn’t understand what was happening, but he felt a flutter of hope in his chest nonetheless. He held her tight, wishing he had the experience to understand these feelings. But they felt in the range of safe and warm and home.

Thanks for reading!

[redantsunderneath]

Marlene Dietrich/Josef von Sternberg marathon: The Blue Angel, Morocco (1930), Dishonored, and Shanghai Express (1931)

I watched all of these films, the Blue Angel in German (which surprisingly didn’t hurt, though I might have missed some puns), so I could be prepped for the great movie podcast “There’s Sometimes a Buggy” that is covering the collaboration that made Marlene Deitrich as we know her. I don’t have a lot of exposure (more on my movie history later) to the early talkie years so these movies were a bit surprising to me on a lot of fronts, not the least reason for which was that I wasn’t brought up in rape culture, I guess (is this what people mean when they say that? cause, jeesh! every movie, the threat is just there). Funny enough, I felt that The Blue Angel was the only one that was really political to me along axes that felt vital, which is peculiar as the other three were about political conflict of factions/nations and make statements about war, nationalism, and the other, but I guess they don’t seem political in a sense that fits with current discourse. I didn’t see the CPC officer in Shanghai Express as pro communist but as a tentative stab at ambivalent nuance of the other’s perspective, a tipping of the hand that there’s a western-centracism in his absurd rape code (this is a common feature through the films of a “first claim” that a certain type of man has on a woman that has nothing to do with what she wants), and as ultimately an example of the brutality of violent conflict (more pointed because he’s been fleshed out).  But I admit, by the films' equalizing the other side (the Russians, the CPC and even the Tunisian rebels if only by making the French Foreign Legion look so terrible) that is in itself a statement.  Kubrick’s Paths of Glory seems to pick up where this leaves off.

The Blue Angel is the film I have the most to say about, and was the most interesting conceptually, but was hard to sync with for technical reasons (me not speaking German maybe being one of them).  Through the films, we watch Dietrich get better at being a talkie actress and the Blue Angel doesn’t push her that hard, but this may be more a function of the camerawork and editing than anything else.  Jannings somehow works better with her as a leading man than anyone but Dishonored’s McLaglen because he can fill the space created by her silent movie style of encapsulated performative moments then stasis/posing, though the let it breathe editing doesn’t help (I almost think her hand on ribcage pose starts as a need for her to have something to do when reacting that seems like a reaction).  Morocco’s Gary Cooper sometimes seems like he’s in a different space than her and Shanghai’s Brook is super clipped (though she’s better adapted by then).

In Blue Angel, the effort to create composite Mise-en-scène with the ominous foreground frames is terrific (those anchors hanging down! the professor’s approach to the club!) and we have some of that German expressionist inner state stuff going on, especially at the end (the shadow of the chandelier!) but the cameraman doesn’t seem to know where to be and maybe that explains the ostensibly crappy blocking.  The cinematography on the others is much better – the superimposed tracking shots in Morocco are phenomenal – and have just as many knockout myth buildingly shot scenes (too many to mention but her in a tux in Morocco,  the final escape in Dishonored, the prayer in Shanghai Express).  All the movies have enough differences in approach that you could think they were done by a different team (were the external shots in Morocco the ones shot by Peckinpah’s eventual AD, Lucien Ballard?).

There are all sorts of motifs running through the films: clocks (and calendars), racially insensitive dolls, men’s hats on women, skein-like drapes sometimes burned by irons vs drawn opaque shades, a man eavesdropping to get mood altering information from behind a louvered door, clowns/harlequins, throwing stuff that will need to be cleaned up on the floor/wall, makeup application in a number of functions (e.g. highlighting her performative nature, emasculation of men), sitting/sprawling on things as an act of feminine claiming of the space, guttural and animal noises as announcement we’re in a libidinal space positive or negative, the stockings, the kept animals, and all sorts of recurring human archetypes.   But it’s The Blue Angel, with its full bore usage of these things plus more (eggs, nautical detritus, clock figurines, etc, that the subliminal story is the most present (though Dishonored is pretty potent).

The reason why I say Blue Angel is the most socio-political is that as a 2019 person on the internet who sees the culture war, is aware of the history of Weimar imagery as handled post Nazi, and knows what’s coming (spoilers for Hitler), the statement being made looks really complicated with a first pass of: the intelligencia’s embrace of the subaltern as primarily an instrument-possession both losses them cultural power and leaves them outside of the outgroup too, which is how, maybe, regressive populism (the students as rabble) wins. Granted this is an Iser-type hermeneutical hot take and it is complicated by the possibility that Jannings codes as pre-Hitler German populace’s growing conflation of left wing and Jewish as “dark other” (problematic, hard to bring the 1930 and 2019 horizons together on this, mileage may vary, but a case can be made) which would almost make this an anti-radical (on both sides) statement that meshes with the other movies’ anti-violence, anti group/idea allegiance, pro-people take. This is just the "bad decision" version. As for Jannings, the lumpen here is fine with him as long as he performs correctly.  Maybe this is an artifact of Dietrich not being the protagonist by a director who wants her to be.  The thing that really overlays this from a now standpoint, though, is the rhyming with a kind of 4chan framing where he has lost his “rightful” power, is “cucked,” and has an entitled-male rage tm (i.e. this can be read as an anti incel-ideology movie). The other movies don’t have this kind of congruence for the most part.

But the way the symbols work is pretty neat.  His descent from prominent social capital to internationally renowned cock-a-doodle-do jester is marked by the change in the relationship with eggs as sexual enticement vs humiliation (and the humiliation was there from the beginning to be sure).  The clown is there as a warning/future self.  The special clocks that eerily suggests his/society’s demons are coming and no one can stop the forward mechanism of time. The caged bird is as you would expect.  The dolls are a sort of self possession that she does test runs giving away.  There’s too much to talk about.

Morocco has Cooper’s charisma going for it (which works best with Dietrich’s when they cut back and forth), the best non-closeup camerawork (the exteriors are great), large scale staging, and that cool woman in a tux mythmaking performance piece.  It contains Cooper’s great non-verbal performance in the scene where he eventually writes “changed my mind” on the mirror (you can see him decide).   The last scene of her trudging across the desert and throwing away her heals is great, and there is so much motion in the frame so often – the superimposition of movement that turns a dissolve into a long transitional double shot, the scene where she looks for him in the marching parade, etc. The relief map was hinky, though.  

Dishonored was my favorite of the four. I liked all these films but, broken down, it had a couple of “bests” in it, but was #2 for everything else.  It had the best-functioning male lead (the always in a mask non-naturalistic thing was perfect as that how she is and it balanced the space well) and a greater share of my very favorite scenes: the final escape scene, the party, the firing squad, and any any fucking piano playing (the first shot of her playing piano is my favorite shot of all the films).  It’s the second best as a subliminal story (after Blue Angel), was the only one other than Shanghai Express that seemed like it had a screenplay - a story story rather than a loose idea, the idea of certain shots, the actors types, and dialogue. It had the most convincing sweep other than Morocco. The cat was a nice setting free of agency, progressing the doll as totem of self/other possession but with a mind of its own, with the power to ruin everything.  This movie really vibed with me perfectly.  

For Shanghai Express, see above, but I have to say I love the Disney villainess (before there were Disney villainesses) dress.  The multi note secondary characters with actual performances and arcs was unique... the pastor who changes his mind on what is morally good is terrific, as are the exchanges between two fully fleshed out prostitutes and an old prude.  My list is close, but If I had to order it would be Dishonored, Blue Angel, Shanghai, then Morocco, but it’s tough because the great things about each vary so much (I kept dithering on the bottom three more than #1, I considered putting Morocco 2nd).

It’s odd I’ve written this much and I haven’t broached the gender archetype pushing and pulling here, mainly because this seems pretty well mined territory.  I’m under-read on this and feel like my take would be super cold -- cross dressing, Gary Cooper with a flower behind his ear, the unflinching depiction of how tough a time women have it while still depicting a kind of unique female cruelty to men, and the constant sexist statements undermined by the POV and what actually happened.  Hopefully my naive viewpoint, coming at this fresh eyes will be valuable. So, like, are all these movies from this time period about class?  It kind of reminds me of Impro, the Keith Johnstone book, which basically boils all theatrical character interaction to being about status.  

Anyway, I’ve ignored my exegesis of Taylor Swift’s Lover to write this, so I must be back to work.