#but the one part thats gonna be there no matter what
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IRREDEEMABLE
Part 4
Love, a concept so complicated to even grasp and yet, every single soul in the universe end up craving it. I have had my share of the cravings, but, news flash, it all resulted in me being left alone stranded. So the concept is now hid safe inside a box. buried deep down somewhere inside, and at times like these I hear the faint screaming it does from the suffocation, all for some acknowledgement. And now, Geto, Love? The one minute he stared longer? Gojo's words kept replaying in my head on my way to find Suguru.
I wouldnt run my thoughts any deeper into this, i mean why should i? what did he do about this? how long has this been going on, and ,oh fuck , thats a pillar and my head is gonna raamm into-, wait no its soft, wait its a hand, a familiar one, shit-
I slowly raised my head to see geto by the vending machine with one can of his favourite drink and the other hand as a barrier to my head and the wall. and yet he doesnt frickin spare me a look, why te hell is his head stooped so low.
Walls are everywhere these days huh?,the audacity to joke around right now without even meeting my eye.
"So youre not even gonna look at me?" I blurt out, unexpectedly helpless in my delivery.
As I see him lift his head up very reluctantly and struggle, i find myself doubting everything gojo previously said, miutes ago.
"Whats up y/n". THE NERVE.
"Didnt take you to be a fuckboi Suguru Senpai, following your best friend's steps is it?"
With a confounded expression I saw him squint his eyes and , well that should be a question then.
"You never called, Geto".
His eyes bulged a bit like he wasnt expecting me to care about the things that we did yesterday. I saw him mumble something under his breath while maintaining the good old strained eyebrows.
"What, you dont care about how i feel now that you slept w me?"
I see his expression waver into immediate shock that desperately needed to set some things straight.
"Y/n..you don't know what you're talking about.. please".
No amount of strained expression from him is helping this mixed signal facade that's happening to me. He takes a deep breathe noticing my baffled expression.
"I do. i do care, more than I've done for anyone else. its just.. by the time you were asleep in my...in my arms, gojo had texted. Soo..it worked. Everything worked out. As intended. Or it didnt, and he came to his senses maybe,finally,else, it doesnt make sense. it makes zero sense. i mean why the fuck would someone not know how to treat you? to treat you shouldnt come as a chore or a result of some challenge, its as natural as breathing air, and idk what was with him all this while, but im sure he realises now, so give him a chance, he'll treat you better I'm sure."
"Is that what you want?"
"What..why..why would it matter, what I think" he visibly gulps, confused.
"It matters to me geto, if you care about me, to know that you like me, I don't know geto you messed with my head, I can't get you out of it...i broke up with gojo."
"What..wait. what?" His face couldn't contain the emotions that rollercoastered through his mind.
"Just say it geto, fucking say it. Do you or do you not like me. Shit, why am I even doing this? " I steer away on my heel as an attempt to hide the tears that are about ruin my mascara, until I feel an immediate grab on my wrist, the same soft hands.
"y/nnn, y/nn....how do i tell you this...you have no idea. not a thing. the way i have craved for you, to be with you, the way i have literally felt my blood boil seeing the way my bestfreind treated you. you have no ideaaa. please dont torment me any more than this, shit im sorry, i know, its not your fault. hell you had no idea how i felt. its just. all you had to do was exist ynnn. the way you aree, the way you smile, hold the hemm of gojos shirt when he failed to pay you the attention you more than deserve, the way you gently hit shoko on her shoulders when you laugh, the way your eyes crinkle when you smile, the way and fuck the way, the way i saw you yesterday, every inch of you, its etched in my memory, by choice. Fuck, I need some water"
I couldn't contain the happiness that bloomed inside me and I had to do something crazy because he looked just too cute.
" for now i can help you moisten your lips I think", I stand on my toes to reach his open mouth, so confused and wary and place the timid but hungry kiss on it, but within seconds he makes sense of things and grabs me by my waist only to land a kiss that lasted longer than the hourly bell that rang twice or thrice after that.
"Aaargh, this...you're tempting me to do something irredeemable again" he breathes with a glistening red lips messy with the stray tints of my lipstick.
"Let's redeem through it this time then."
The smirk on his lips right then looked more promising than ever.
#jjk#fanfic#gojo satoru#geto fanfic#geto suguru#geto x reader#jjk fanfic#jjk smut#jjk × reader#jujutsu kaisen x reader#jujutsu geto#jjk fluff#jjk angst#geto angst#geto fluff
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who invented anatomy
#this is BULLSHIT#im starting a new piece but the composition isnt solidified for. reasons#but the one part thats gonna be there no matter what#is a character lying on a couch and im. STRUGGLING#vi rambles#also hi i dont post on tunglr dot org anymore. hows it going followers who dont share a discord server with me
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Wearing your boyfriend's jacket
#for the anon asking who would wear it#any one of my characters WOULD wear it#its just a matter of how...#you dont understand my passion for fashion and what this means ok#it means an article of clothing is not about the clothing at all#its about how it fits and what it goes with and how you choose to wear it#a shirt is not just a shirt its a part of a whole...#I'm so passionate about this... it doesnt really show in my comics but thats mostly cause. there is only so much time I can devote to thing#anyways#adam is able to make anything look good#and steve is able to make anything seem like hes owned it for 10 years#they can both wear anything but in extremely different ways...#anyways this was a nice little break#its been hard HAHAHAHHA not gonna lie having an extremely rough time#I so so so do not want to return working for webtoon#I need you to know I am ONLY doing this for my readers#because I could use more time. I could use forever away from webtoon#but. I want to see the comic through! and so I will.#I'm so tired of them...#and also still frustrated by people being like 'is this ever coming back' and all that#but its fine. its coming back I'm working on it...#and its good.. its gonna be so good......#time and time again#ttawebcomic#adam and steve#sketch#I JUST REALIZED I SAID ANON...#I MEANT ASK#my brain just calls all asks anon
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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yes yes the inherently difficult and complex nature of angelas development and her intrinsic instinct to be guarded at all times But Also . i just want angela to get a fucking hug. or like. a pat on the shoulder, or Something
#piktalk#projmoon#im gonna drive myself up a fucking wall i just keep thinking abt it .#girlieee. girlie youre doubling down on your inability to connect with those around you in a horrible feedback loop that makes itself worse#haha girl noooo youre distancing yourself from the closeness youve desired from day one haha girl noooooo#someone please get over there and ruffle her hair or something she needs it#haha youre submitting yourself to this otherness and making yourself a pillar out of instinct and habit?#lol thats funny girlie heres a reminder that you are in fact present and cared for in the eyes of your peers whether you think so or not#heres a seemingly juvenile expression of how despite everything you Are acknowledged as being present and part of the group#no matter what you see yourself as you are still just as much one of us as anyone else#AND its ruffling your stupid lil haircut. get scruffled IDIOT. get acknowledged DORKUS!!!!!!!!!!!#. anyway getting out of bed now see u all in a few minutes ✌
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ahhh i just remembered alphen and shionne are gonna be at the next tales of festival again and damn that's three times in a row for them!!! that's amazing (for me specifically)!! like genuinely i assumed last year would be the last time they were gonna have both of 'em on, bcause, well it can't be the arise Celebrity Couple all the time, everybody's probably sick of them already and the hype's gone down and all that, and heck they even hinted at that in one of the kagenare, but!! against all odds i get yet another year or shimoji and satotaku performing together
#they've only been announced for day 2 and i'm being so brave about it#and to think we probably have BtD to thank for that......... hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaahhhhh#anyway i gotta enjoy this while it lasts until arise eventually fades into obscurity byyyeeee#but *will it* fade into obscurity tho#because like as a matter of fact it very much did sell 3million copies#so you could argue thats like. a Milestone. a Whole Thing. Arise has left a permanent mark on the series#and is on its way towards becoming one of the quote unquote Important Titles like symphonia or uuhhhh symphonia!!! (vesperia???)#but on the other hand. is that *really* the case like#like ok thats a LOT of sales but. that doesnt mean it's necessarily gonna have the cultural IMPACT like.#the tales fandom dislikes it for one#and so like. like statistically most of the ppl who bought it are like. they're not in the fandom right. like. they played it and moved on#(god i wish that were me)#like that's what im asking is arise gonna be a cultural milestone in the series even#and like. yes and no??? lmao. because like. there's a high likelihood that the upcoming games are gonna be more like arise right#since that sells. and so. well those subsequent games are gonna draw in ppl who like that type of experience :))) so#uh. YEAH. yknow like WHAT IM SAYING IS#as much as zestiria broke the fanbase it's more likely that there's gonna be 2 distinct pre- and post-arise eras#right. uuuhhh. the pre-arise fans and the post-arise fans are just not the same ppl. (for the most part)#anyway so probably arise is not fading into obscurity aaaaaaarrgghhh noooo#but at the same time like. less and less side materials (manga; drama CDs; comic anthologies etc) are being made so what does it matter#what does it matter if they keep arise alive if it's just to routinely sell figurines and uhhh *checks notes* booze and acrylic stands#anyway i'm so excited for the next ToFestival!!!!!!!#toarise hate#im this close to saying arise has destroyed the fandom for good in favor of casuals who are not interested in the Fandom Experience but#im not saying it. i dont know that.
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back to you by flower face (reupload)
#yellowjackets#jackieshauna#mitos incredible life#mine art tag#hope it STAYS this time goood#anyways. I still think the allie part is funny sue me#when i was like 'omg im gonna edit the whole album' it was party bc I knew back to you was in there and I was like 'that song is#SO jackieshauna that it doesnt even matter if all the other songs arent'#dont know anymore bc it was so long ago and im not very far with the whole. js: tsiyw - n thing#(im at maybe bc today familys here bc easter)#if somebody wants a specific song edited to them hmu btw#i do have like. many ideas (for jackieshauna at least 6 from what I remember‚ 1 lottienat n general yj some)#and thats just the like sorta planned out ones. So Idk if I will ever like edit more but PROBABLY bc im nothing if not. other ppl#(sincerly hope that doesnt make sense)#jackieshauna: The Shark In Your Water
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oh i'm definitely gonna lose some friends for this one huh
#already got vagueposted about by one former friend as 'comparing pro-palestine sentiments to antisemitism'#direct quote 'israel desperately wants them to believe this is a religious war and not a genocide'#same guy who said 'boy howdy do we know their side of the story' and ten short texts later said verbatim:#'we can't use religion as birthright thats stupid and the Number One Tool of Colonizers'#which is a STAGGERING amount of cognitive dissonance#as if religion is the relevant part and not the literal historical fact of jewish indigineity to eretz israel#mind you at the time of the vaguepost the ONLY thing i said regarding palestine#was that if your 'support' for palestinians includes sharing basic antisemitic dogwhistles and blatantly lying about history#then that 'support' will accomplish nothing for palestinians and only get jews killed#and i feel like looking at that and insisting that i'm comparing all pro-palestinian sentiment to antisemitism is uh. telling#we'll see how this ends up going - i fear it may not be the greatest for my social life but i stand by what i said#bc even if i am wrong about Everything directly surrounding israel and palestine#i was strictly discussing antisemitism in the discourse surrounding it#and a longer version of 'no stance on israel makes you immune to antisemitism and antisemitism runs deep and will affect your thinking on#the matter and refusing to acknowledge that is dangerous' isn't actually dependent on the intracacies of the conflict it's just True#and i'm not gonna back down again i'm not going to downplay antisemitism again i'm not going to give up#i'm not sure if i have jewish friends i simply do not know about who see what i say on there#but if i do then i need it to be clear they have Someone who is willing to fight for them#and if not i still need to make it clear i won't stand for blatant antisemitism no matter whose name it's in#the only thing that would make me consider taking down what i said is if i believed it's counterproductive#and part of me wonders if it is - i don't want to put people on the defense bc that's simply not conducive to good faith discussion#but at the same time i know that a lot of what i've needed to hear was fed up or harsh words#that i started off just reading and keeping my defensiveness inside until they sunk in over time#and maybe my frustration will have that effect for someone#damn i really need to make some jewish friends... maybe after break i'll reach out to hillel or a local shul to ask if they could use a han#or something idk we'll see#personal#faggotry enjoyer original
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i want a princess zelda thats a little silly. a little unhinged. plagued by visions. aware of the cycle and her role in this all (probably the most emotionally damaging realization you could have). a little erratic. but also very tender and she loves her friends very much. she doesnt like the cycle and she wants to go against it but she doesnt quite know how and neither does Link so these two kids are just completely stumped while they slowly crumble under the pressure and only have each other. how would this work???? i dont know. i am figuring that out :33333 because realizing you are literally ONLY alive to propagate and "fix" evil or whatever must be one of the most horrifying things you can realize as a person. i need a trio who dont represent their parts of the triforce very well and resent it because they wish they couldve at least been born blissfully ignorant
#and a really nuanced ganondorf pls i am NOT leaving him out of the existential horrors#i feel like no one ever talks abt the fact that hyrule is literally stuck in an endless cycle of destruction where#link zelda and ganon are just physical manifestations of the triforce and literally nothing more#and they have to do shit just because no questions asked with no room for judgement or their own emotions#because thats horrifying actually#i think i just want another game like majoras mask#tbh#are we just not gonna touch on the like. irrevocable childhood trauma??? (botw kind of did ig??)#i gen feel bad for them and im tweaking off the zelda brainrot really hard#i thinjk the darkest zelda game concept is one where they are all fully aware of the cycle and the part they play and the fact that#no matter what anyone does#this will repeat over and over#and theres nothing you can do to stop it#sorry for yapping idk if i make sense its midnight and im sleepy#more sims content soon i promis
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i hope y'all know i haven't forgotten about any day now 🥹
#i've been seeing ppl reread it recently or discover it and anytime i see a notif for it im like OH. Right#i swear to goodddddd u guys i think abt it every single day#im putting too much focus into requests and not the things that i wanna write#im gonna do a clean up of my requests this week cuz im sitting on 20ish and there's nooo way#i know its like#why do i keep requests open if i can't bring myself to write them all#thats such a great question unfortunately i just do not have an answer to it#but also im like ... what if i get something really good and i can combine a couple requests into a huge fic#anywaayyyyyy i added (SLOW) to my profile like it makes any difference#i didn't mean to ramble here i just wanted to let yall know that i know it still exists and i miss her and think abt her every day#bc i have a lot of ideas it's just a matter of writing it out#i started on part three ages ago and never went back to it#let's all pray i get at least one more chapter out by the end of the year 🥴🥴#been slacking this week cuz i been busy but not busy#it's a long story#damn ok lily shut up
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...
#Jesus. just finished my interview. no idea how it went#i think it was much too rambling on my part and they asked almost exclusively sciency questions#ugh hopefully i didn't look like a completle moron. the guy was sorta inscrutable so no idea what he thought#and he was like hmm whats ur competition here? and i dont give a fuck abt competition and also it doesnt really matter#fuck. i should have said. it would b fine if they were doing the exact same project bc we would b evolving different strains and it would b#interesting if they evolved even the exact same traits. fuck#i think objectively i probably looked like someone who halfway knows what theyre doing without the specific knowledge#which is exactly true. like mother fuckers ive got a full time job to be overworked in. i dont have time to memorize details of every#pathway change in every desert cyano#uuuuugh its just annoying bc my brain doesnt work well in the moment. i need time to process and knit together an answer#so i wouldnt b surprised if i was ranked low. oh god i was told the interview was prob a formality unless it goes terribly#itll b real embarrassing if i dont get passed this stage now#whatever it was a bit chaotic on their end too bc one guy didnt show up until halfway thru so i kinda had to go back and say things twice#uuuuuuuuuuggh. well that kinda sucked. at least its done. out of my hands now.#i was getting too excited abt it anyway. this will reaffirm my: obviously im not gonna get it vibes#i mean thats what i get for trying to join a very competitive program. like i am not a competitive person#rip to my lab mate who im gonna whine at all day abt this. i have to meet him in less than an hour#welp. there r other schools. god i hope at least one of them accepts me#ugh i just think its kinda annoying they they want u to be perfectly qualified for things lol. like i would need someone to step thru the#lab process with me literally once or twice and then id be good to go#like maybe a couple hours of someones time to remind me. thats it. humans r adaptable#i can obviously carry out a project to its conclusion and i have a lot of passion. not that they asked. but yeah#oh well. i should have breakfast before i freeze in the desert all day#unrelated
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Not to be a shipper but its so fun and makes me soo happy bobo
#Listen to my problems#this wasnt prompted by anything i was just thinking about how a lot of things for me are now skewed by the relationship persepctive not even#purely ‘romantic’ ones i just now think in terms of this person interacting with that person ... ...#i was also thinking about kiryu and majima again (i lied this is what really prompted this) and how they ddint even text each other#like you get wrapped up in all sorts of passions as a kid (in your twenties) and then when its over you part ways and not talk to each other#one of you is honourbound to stay behind and watch over things. and the other’s happiness and peace of mind depends on them ... kiryu told#him to take care of daigo and majima was like okie doki and dedicated his life to that#like i KNOW !! he had his own reasons for doing so. he wasnt just doing it for kiryu he was doing it for saejima (who by the way i havent#been introduced to a single member of his so called saejima (seajima) family) but it matters so much that he stayed and put up a fight about#it thinking since this is the last time we’re gonna see each other lets make it count !! and then get the crap beaten out of you and then#have a smoke break with him all well ... take care. because im not going to call or visit you lol. and i hope you forget about me because i#know ill be thinking about you and thats a pain in the ass innit ....#majima constantly has so much on his mind at all times always he cant even live for himself he just has to do it for other people ... so its#fucked up that kiryu just left him like that... call him at least let him know you think about him ... let him know its okay to come bother#you once in a while ..! bitch. that reminds me i have to finish watching breaking bad
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im starting to feel the "dead" in deadlines
#one big one due tmrw#but i might be getting feedback on it and having to fix some parts up till early feb so the deadline doesnt necessarily end the work here#another one till next friday and sometime after ill have to go to uni and present it so its another soft line#and then theres this vague one that doesnt have a date yet so im calling it the deadarea#thats prolly gonna be due mid february and will also require a presentation#and THEN theres another one that doesnt have a date yet but its The Big Boy Project and im gonna give a presentation and answer questions#and THATS WHEN I FINISH UNI WOOOOOOOOO#i so cannot wait i CANT#and i hate that so many dates are not set yet cause i cant have a specific day to wait for until its over and done#cause rn the only way i can look at it is that i'll for sure be a free man before march#which is a month and a half away and thus doesnt seem particularly optimistic#but hey at least tmrw ill have one thing 98% taken care of and im already done with the hard part of the second thing#im just. tgeres so much work and its already been weeks of this and theres weeks more?? motivation is negative#one good thing is that time passes no matter what u do. so every second of this is inevitably getting me closer to the end !!!!#yeah. i sound a lil bit like a negative nancy but rly im mostly positive just tired heh#straytalks
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had to donate blood earlier today because my blood cell count was too high at my last pp appt to get my t renewed and god. why didnt anyone warn me about your arm going all hot but also cold and not hurting but definitely feeling insanely weird and uncomfortable and Bad. LITERALLY NO ONE TOLD ME SO I WASNT READY AT ALL AND I STARTED MONKEY BRAIN FREAKING OUT
#like yes i anticipated it feeling funny and uncomfy but THAT. SUUUUCCKEEEEDD.#i was only able to go like halfway before i started squirming around too much and when the guy said i could stop whenever i IMMEDIATELY#went I WANNA STOP even though i shouldnt have urrghhhhhh i was just in genuine panic mode which is a little embarassing.#my roommate was there with me to help calm me down and after the fact told me that the guy taking my blood apparently said that#having an instinctive panic response was normal because well. your brain feels all your blood sucking out and thinks FUUUCK IM BLEEDING OUT#(roommate had to tell me because i was like. writhing and whining and trying not to black out so i wasnt hearing anything LOL)#i have the lab followup appt at pp ooonnnn friday where theyll do another finger poke and i swear to god. if my blood cell count isnt low#enough for them to be able to refill my T. im gonna freeeaaaaakkkkkk#cause im already getting reeaaalll low on T so this is already cutting it close but if they have to turn me away again im fuuugggeeedddddd#and the worst part is that im probably gonna have to start regularly donating no matter what anyway =_=#on one hand yes its bound to get easier the more i do it...... thats the case with the little tiny vial blood draws ive been having to do..#but hooooly freak guys. i really wasnt prepared at all for how intense it started feeling WHICH IS DRAMATIC I KNOOOOWWWW#it wasnt helped by them apparently using a much bigger needle so i FELT it POP in and the guy went “wow i really had to force it in there”#or something so i was immediately off to a bad start LOL#AAAAAANYWAYS. SIGH. being on T is awesome but of course im one of the unlucky ones who starts getting way too much blood about it#so now im doomed to be stuck with needles all the time forever#mumbling
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i do need 2 work on rewiring my brain so that my immediate very first thought whenever i dont do a small task (like brushing ny teeth taking a shower picking up my room etc) isnt 'We Should Kill Connor ." this would be pretty good for me to do. putting this on the list
#its difficult. i used to be rly good abt not doing kms type jokes bc i did when i was younger and then i stopped bc of um . stuff#nd i think it rly was good for me nd then ykw started making them a LOT and now i do them constantly and ik itis bad for me like. as a guy#whos been suicidal since i was 7. yk. ik itisnt good for me but its hard#idk. i need 2 try 2 stop making them again. like idt ppl who make them r evil I personally dont tend to use them very seriously#it rly is judt a like. Ugh something annoying happened i should kms. but like. witht he we should kill connor joke its Less and less a joke#and more just feeding into ummmmm. the bad parts of my thing that i have to be vague abt so ppl dont worry.#Im not planning anything its not that. its just a belief i have that is ummm concerning to many but very comforting to me and keeps me sane#but i dont like 2 talk abt it . bc ppl tend to get worried its rly not anything that bad its judt likeee. I know that thing is true and#there isnt anything i can do to stop it from happening so i made peace with it ages ago and its comforting that i dont have 2 like. worry#abt whatll happen bc ik whatll happen#sry im being vague ive like. i think ive mentioned it a couple times and ppl get very concerned (my old psych literally told me verbatim#That sounds so terrifying.) and likeee. there have been times its scared me a lot like i can remember a few times i woke up having a panic#attack bc i didnt want to do it but i know thats whatll happen and its fine. but it wont be any time soon#it keeps me from doing anything honestly bc like. why rush FJFNFJNFNik itll happen eventually no matter what i do so even when it gets bad#enough i think abt it im like. yk. it helps. i kind of lost a bit of vagueness. please dont worry abt it fr like. it keeps me sane it keeps#me calm. but anyways i say all this to sayyyy that like. idk it might be a while b4 i commit to trying to stop making jokes like that just#bc like. i have a lot of other stuff abt me i need 2 fix first but i think it would probably be good for me if i stopped. sigh. which suck#bc like its been said time and time again that like. Im going to kms is just like. it encapsulates feelings very well there r like no other#exclamations that fit. aside from the like. Krill my shellfish type things but thats the reason i slipped back into just saying kms in rhe#first place so. UGH. and theres so many fucking stupid tjmblr ones. like no im not going to sub Kys for Go step on a lego >_< bc like... im#not 1. 5 or 2. 27. the 2 ages i think ppl would say shit like that.#sry my vendetta against 27 year olds is neverending idk i just dont like whatever happens to tumblr users of dhat age. ive mentioned it#several times inwont go into it and im probably near out of tags anyway#ive got 7 more spend em wisely one supposes. idk. its just difficult. ik its judt words and shit and im sure i cn come up with good#alternatives. theres judt like not any rhat r like the same vibe without also reinforcing My stuff in an unhealthy way. idk. idkk#like not that making kms jokes is gonna make me do it anytime soon but like yk . ik i cant blame my self loathing spike on this alone#bc ive like. Beeeeeeeen going through some stuff thats contributing way more#but i do think before i started making these jokes again my self loathing and like. rhe amt of time i thought abt it was less . idk#sui ment#<- jic i tried not to be like. too much. but you know
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save me save me i wanna be you save me i cant save myself cause i could never be you
ill keep waiting and pretend i could
#not doing well#ostensibly i will be applying for grad school before the end of this year#and like growing up and becoming an adult and stuff#yeah fucking right#i remember when my life was all about how much my childhood sucked and like. that was my everything#that was my great conflict#the main plot#and its like#its not like that doesnt still matter right#all of it still does#its part of why i cant seem to make irl friends#its part of why i think ill be alone for a long time even though i desperately crave the safety of a relationship#(nothing wrong there by the way that i think a relationship will save me)#(its always me waiting on someone else to save me)#andddd its why sex is so weird for me#and sure all of that still matters#but what really matters is that im gonna have to. move out. pay bills. make 'career choices'.#andddd thats really what lifes all about#trying not to become homeless#cause i cant just live with my mom forever#though god the fact that i could end up like that#thats almost worse#my mom deserves better#anyway yeah just thinking about like capitalism and the end of the world and stuff#honestly despite everything ive had it pretty good in my life ya know.#if i had any confidence whatsoever in my ability to decide where im gonna go in life and to actually accomplish that#then id probably be okay#just send me back a couple decades as the person i am with the experiences ive had and i might end up being like a cool old aunt or smth#aaanyway#i hope one day this world is better and its kinder
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