#but the point is they are my least favorite partially bc of their actions and partially bc of how i relate to it

[robertdownerjunior]

who's the character you say you hate because you don't like their personality/actions but actually hate bc they remind me too much about you or your life?

[gnomeniche]

Any thoughts on Ducks voice always being at least a little bit autotuned? It's like that all throughout the web series. The tv show gave him a less processed, normal voice but then the autotune comes back it "electricity". I thought it was kinda fascinating.

duck’s autotune fascinates and vexes me! i do have non-diegetic opinions and it’s that i think it was a good choice to take it away for most of the tv series. i personally like his voice without it and i could see it being distracting. but that then means it was Very Intentional to have it come back in “electricity.”

(whoa this got long!)

i think i saw someone note once that the autotune only returns once he gets electrocuted while playing the guitar during the song? and i think that’s correct. but i HAVE also noticed that it disappears during the blackout, which is when all the other artifices of the show-world kind of shut off as well. listening as hard as i can, i cannot hear it during any of his dialogue in those sections (including the fridge scene bc i know some of you are wondering).

i saw someone else note earlier that it sounds like he has the autotune when he’s trying to take yellow’s batteries. i would need to go back and confirm for myself, but if that’s so, then it means he’s missing it throughout the blackout but it returns once the light and music come back in. it seems to me like the autotune might, at least in the tv series, represent him being subject to the artifice of the show. autotune does lend one’s voice a rather robotic tone, after all.

but in the tv series, it only becomes apparent when he’s supercharged with electricity, which creates… interesting implications. we know that yellow is powered by electricity, and the world is itself electric, as shown by the house dissolving and all of the characters save the students shutting down or malfunctioning without power. and my favorite theory about the three students’ true natures is that, though they have seemingly gained their own sentience that is being repressed, they were all originally constructs of the world.

that might be a point in that theory’s favor; duck sounds more robotic when he’s filled with more electricity than normal, which has that effect on his voice bc he is already partially electric. and if we believe this, the fact that he, who clearly has a connection to electricity, can still function in the blackout is yet another point in favor of the theory. being able to function without electricity might represent how the personhood they’ve grown allows them to act without the world programming and determining their actions.

+ if you like to connect the webseries and the tv series like i do, you could even say that the webseries characters are at an earlier iteration of their selves, so they have yet to grow as much personhood as the tv characters, which is why he’s way more autotune-y there.

idk! this stopped being about Duck Alone but those are all the thoughts and theories i have relating to the possible significance of the autotune. thanks for the question! it was fun to hash all of this out and i hope this was interesting.

[kenobihater]

my star wars opinions and a lengthy explanation of my dislike for die-hard jedi apologists

if you don't agree with these, that's okay! you can follow, but don't expect me to change any of my views bc i've held these stances for years at this point.

my main opinions: the sith are worse than the jedi, order 66 was bad, the republic sucked shit but was better than the empire for a while, the separatists had the right to secede from the corruption of the republic in theory but in execution they were both 1) brutal and 2) sith-infested and therefore worse than the republic, mando clones is a fun headcanon, the children of the watch aren't a cult at least up to s3 (haven't watched it bc the s2 finale pissed me off), and anakin was ultimately responsible for his own fall but his actions didn't occur in a vacuum and were due in some small part to an absence of open communication on all fronts, a lack of support, and the jedi allowing palpatine to spend time around him as a child (and the council asking anakin to spy on him).

finally, i dislike hardline jedi apologists for reasons i will explain under the cut, and despite me being a mandalorian enthusiast (save for the kryzes and new mandalorians), i enjoy the jedi as well and totally reject the jedi-fan-vs-mando-fan false dichotomy. i'm going into a lot of detail below bc this is the most widely held belief i don't vibe with in the fandom. feel free to ignore the following if you don't want to hear my ramblings on the jedi!

so my personal stance on the jedi apologism thing is that i disagree, but i can see where they're coming from bc that used to be me. around the time of my blog's creation in 2020, i was mutuals with ppl who held those beliefs. i agreed almost entirely with them and followed basically all of the BNF blogs that i've now either blocked or been blocked by as of writing this.

anyway, the more i interacted with the apologists, the more i found myself disagreeing with some of their opinions as time passed. i found them brushing aside criticisms that i thought deserved to be addressed e.g. the jedi's involvement in the GAR and the ensuing exploitation of the clones. then after mando s1 came out, i started getting into legends mando content and enjoyed their particular flavor of moral complexity a bit more, partially due to the fact that there's very little mando apologism and black-and-white takes on them in comparison to the overwhelming amount of jedi apologists, which i had already started to view as overly simplistic.

that said, obi-wan is my absolute favorite character, and that held true even after i started having gripes with the apologism crowd. i like cal kestis a lot too, as well as ahsoka. i loved these characters who were good individuals and also jedi, and so i felt that the order had to be wholly good to create such people. but the order was chained to the corrupt senate, which was the beating, rotten heart of the republic. they inacted its will, got sucked into its war despite holding peace as a main principle of their belief system, commanded an army of clones viewed as no more than property by both the kaminoans and the republic, and then gave into political pressure to expel ahsoka from the order after she was framed for the bombing.

all of these actions are hypocritical at best and horrifying at worst. the jedi undoubtedly fucked up in canon, without even taking legends into account. they were founded on noble ideals and did a lot of good in the universe, but they were dragged down by the republic and ultimately destroyed because palpatine recognized their weakness was being tied to the republic and he made it even worse through his political machinations. they did not deserve order 66, and order 66 wasn't necessary to restore balance, but they weren't faultless paragons of virtue with no control over the universe or the republic, either. they had enough clout to fix some of their mistakes or at least attempt to atone for them, but they ignored these options and continued upholding the republic's immoral status quo.

individual jedi could be good, they could be great, even! that said, they were often constrained not by their code, but by the fact that they had become bound to the senate and in a bad spot politically with the public. they were quite literally between a rock and a hard place, but being in a tough situation doesn't absolve them of their culpability.

in conclusion, the jedi were flawed to a degree, and anyone who doesn't believe that probably won't like my blog. thank you for coming to my ted talk ❤️

[ruthlesslistener]

Regarding PK's reactions to his kids relationships, how in the world did Quirrel end up helping Hollow out with their heats or just generally being around and what was PK's overall reaction for the two becoming QPPs?

From my own hunch I could definitely see Hornet perhaps harassing Quirrel as well to a degree for at least awhile given how protective she is over her sibling (as vis versa regarding Hollow harassing Lace as you mentioned previously, both siblings look out for each other it seems), though I have no clue how their father might react to that whole idea that Hollow can indeed make relationships on their own in just a complex way as anyone else, let alone with Quirrel.

It's fun to theorize and further 'torment' the fork manlet over the causes and effects of his actions (and lack thereof). That, and seeing Hollow and co being happy for at least a few instances, juicy angst aside.

Well, to put it quite simply- he didn't react at all, because by the time that actually became a problem, he was trying to be dead. I haven't played around with Quirrelhollow too much (partially bc I'm worried about people side-eyeing it and the way I write it), but the whole QPP/FWB deal didn't actually fully come about until post-canon simply because Hollow didn't have to worry about their heat cycles until AFTER they recovered from the ordeal of the Black Egg Temple. I headcanon that Quirrel and Hollow met when they were both around 15, which was too young for Hollow's heats to start in full, and when they were actually due for a proper hormone cycle at ~mentally and physically age 20, the stress from being the Pure Vessel put them on hold. And then, of course, being trapped in the Black Egg Temple with a goddess in your brain doing her damned best to kill you is pretty much stress incarnate, so that + the lack of soul available also removed their heat cycle altogether. So it's not until after their body has healed and they're no longer being treated like a lifeless puppet that something like heat becomes a problem, which takes a long enough recovery time for Hollow and Quirrel to have built up a relationship as god and favored mortal.

PK also had no idea that Quirrel and Hollow struck up a sort of bond when he was alive, as the whole reason why he allowed them to interact in the first place was because Monomon would take her adoptive son everywhere when he was training to be her assistant, so it was more useful to just stick the teenage pillbug next to the similarly-teenaged vessel and just tell him to practice his tutoring skills on them, as they had been proven to be 'pure' at that point. And if he DID figure out what was going on in the Dream Realm, then he would just mourn the fact that he hadn't seen their connection earlier, and subjected Hollow to centuries of suffering. Gods picking a favorite mortal for being close to their aspect (and having an intimate relationship with said mortal) is pretty much a natural aspect to living as a Higher Being, and since Hollow was well on their way to full ascension by the time they met Quirrel, it wouldn't have been surprising for them to gravitate towards him and then fully accept him as theirs post-release from the Temple, when they were a fullblooded God of Nothingness. He absolutely would not intervene, since that's territory that he has no right to walk upon, but he would most certainly hate himself for missing all the little indicators that his child was alive instead of deliberately ignoring them out of a desperation to stop an inevitable apocalypse.

As for Hornet, she's suspicious but keeps her mouth shut. Idk, I just dont really like the whole harassing people about their partners sorta deal. Hollow's an adult and has been for at least 200 years, just because they've been sheltered on account of not being seen as a living being doesn't mean they're incapable of making their own decisions, so their baby sister acting like a sort of guardian figure over them makes me pretty uncomfortable. She's protective over them, but Hollow is her elder, so even if she's suspicious of Quirrel, she'd still respect their pick of consort.

[katsidhe]

You know, rewatching supernatural I'm kinda shocked by how often I just find myself going ''Man, I wish Sam had died here -_-''. but not as a sam hate thing. In fact, Sam's my favorite and partially this is just bc I like Sam angst (because I definitely didn't want him to permanently be gone from the show). But Also. Consider.

The first Demon blood detox. When Dean goes ''at least he dies human''. I went 'Yes, let's totally do that.' If Sam had actually died there, can you imagine! Or! Sam doesn't always need to die really. Just: If Dean had been thrown into an alternate universe where Sam didn't leave for Stanford and either the life TM or his own misery with it killed him young(-er)? Or if with the mark Dean'd actually ended up killing Sam? Like, in a bloodlust rage or smth.

Obviously what I really want here, is for the narrative to prove Sam right (in leaving for Stanford and such) and have dean face the consequences of his actions (Detox, Fratricide Mark as an incredibly wobbly solution to the Abbadon problem).

Idk, I just think it's funny how often the narrative (and fans) wants to prove Dean right /Sam wrong. And how often this happens via just ignoring certain things.

(As an example: Bc Sam does go to Stanford, we never get to see the horrible consequences it would have had for his mental and/or physical health if he hadn't. And so fans, dean, the narrative etc. just pretend that there would have been no such consequences at all.)

Like, If you people would please take this to it's logical conclusion of Sam's death/incredible suffering. I'd just like to see what people come up with to justify it then.

It's driven me to such bloodlust. Seeing this universe where to only way to prove yourself right is to die. Like, yea that'll show them. Can't ignore this, can you

The funny thing about this is that Supernatural has such a definitive answer to “death as vindication”, and it’s answer is “lmao no, come on, we’re dragging you back to life just to prove you wrong.”

Like, both with detox and with the Mark of Cain, I’m not actually convinced that Sam For Real Dying would have had too much more of an effect on the moral landscape of the show than the canonical impacts did, simply because there would be some way to drag Sam back, and therefore to shove the cosmic consequences into another ball court.

If there’s a way that Dean’s going to be forced to face the fallout of his harmful choices, I both think it can’t happen over Sam’s dead body and that it shouldn’t happen over Sam’s dead body—because what does that do but make Sam into a prop that Dean can, again, twist into the shape that fits the narrative he sees? When he weeps over the tableau of Sam at the end of s2, and even s5, and most damningly and most especially at the end of s8, it’s for Sam’s sake, but it’s certainly not with Sam’s autonomy in mind.

S8-9 in general is a great example of what I mean: we have Dean’s ill treatment of Sam in s8 contributing to and exacerbating Sam’s suicide mission to take on the Trials, which nearly ends in Sam’s death. Instead of accepting Sam’s death (and his implicit responsibility), Dean comes up with a way to avert it… with a heinous violation of Sam’s mind, body, and soul. Which again nearly leads to Sam’s death. Which again Dean averts with, uh, more possession, and also needles in his brain. (God I fucking love 9.10. And s9 in general.)

But as to your later point, I do really like thinking about the… unhealthier counterfactuals, the ways in which the choices Sam is castigated for were the right ones at the time. Stanford is a great example of one. Amelia’s in that category too. I’d even put Ruby there, in a certain sense. All times when Sam was apart from Dean.

[epithmia-moved]

𝐑𝐄𝐋𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐏𝐒   —  𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤  𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭  𝐭𝐡𝐞  𝐦𝐮𝐬𝐞

NAME:              mana  sevaess,        formerly  mikazuki  mami. ROMANTIC    ORIENTATION:              demiromantic  pansexual,    has  absolutely  no  preference. PREFERRED    PET    NAMES:              mana  does  not  particularly  care  for  them  either  way,    especially  in  receiving  them,    but  in  terms  of  addressing  a  significant  other  they  become  partial  to  the  occasional  usage  of  “my  love  /  love”,    “dear”,    and  other  adjacent  terms  of  endearment. RELATIONSHIP    STATUS:      this  varies  per  au.

FAVORITE    CANON    SHIP:              [  laughs  in  this  is  an  oc  blog  baby  everything  is  canon  here  bc  i  said  so  ]    cherry  x  mana,        ayato  x  mana,    you  can  see  where  this  is  going  —  all  my  ships  are  basically  canon  to  me  in  some  form  and  i  adore  each  and  every  one  of  them.     FAVORITE    NON-CANON    SHIP:              i.    am honestly not sure what to put here.  i  had  never  particularly  made  it  a  thing  to  focus  much  on  shipping  mana  much  with  any  npc  in  general,    and  i  kind  of  still  don’t,    though  i  can  see  certain  characters  working  well  with  them  if  the  opportunity  for  exploring  it  arises,    if  that’s  what  this  means  ??    so...    yeah i guESS OPINION    ON    TRUE    LOVE:              true  love  is  a  subjective  concept  to  mana  —  as  in,    they  think  true  love  can  be  depicted  differently  per  person  and  there  is  no  one  definitive  form  of  it.    it  could  be  a  soulmate  for  some,        a  childhood  friend,    someone  you  meet  that  you  just  click  with,    etc.    especially  when  considering  that  mana  handles  love  itself  a  little  different  than  most  might  in  general.    they  also  think  that  tacking  the  word  ‘true’  onto  it  denotes  a  kind  of  specific  and  unrealistic  tinge  to  it.    they  are  of  the  mindset  love  can  only  form  if  you  are  willing  and  able  to  understand  and  accept  someone  on  a  fundamental  level.    and  that  means  accepting  all  of  them  —  good,    bad,    and  anything  in-between  or  anything  that  may  come  after.    or,    conversely,    being  able  to  accept  that  past  a  certain  threshold  you  may  never  fully  understand  or  know  all  of  them,    but  still  choosing  to  be  by  their  side  regardless.    love  to  them,    is  also  not  limited  to  a  singular  person. OPINION    ON    LOVE    AT    FIRST    SIGHT:              this  is  something  mana  absolutely  does  not  believe  in.    especially  not  personally.    they  are  aware  that  you  may  be  inexplicably  attracted  to  someone  and  thus  heavily  interested  in  them,    but  there  would  be  zero  genuine  and  pure  affection  within  that. HOW    ROMANTIC    ARE    THEY?              often  partner  dependent  —  but  innately,    mana  can  coast  the  line  of  being  a  bit  of  a  romantic.    some  of  mana’s  actions  and  choices  of  words  may  just  come  off  that  way  without  any  real  attempts  put  into  it  at  times,    but  it’s  more  so  attributed  to  just  to  how  devoted  and  tuned  into  their  significant  other  they  become.    romance  is  something  mana  would  definitely  delve  into,    if  only  more  so  for  their  lover  than  themself  —  because  it’s  not  something  mana  exactly  craves  a  lot  or  would  need  in  order  to  be  content  inside  of  a  relationship  with  anybody.

IDEAL    PHYSICAL    TRAITS:              a  physical  appearance  is  not  a  factor  at  all  when  it  comes  to  what  will  and  what  won’t  attract  mana  to  someone,    it  has  never  been  at  the  forefront  of  their  mind  and  never  will  be  —  so  much  so  to  the  point,    that  often,    mana  can  admit  that  someone  is  attractive  conventionally,    but  have  it  ring  hollow.    because  they  are  pretty  —  but  mana  just  doesn’t  care  /  is  not  affected.    i  can  say  however,    that  they  do  appreciate  someone  who  can  take  care  of  themselves  (  at  least  on  a  bare  basic  level,    because  they  are  not  one  to  talk  most  of  the  time  )    and  has  a  bit  of  strength  to  them.        whenever  mana  becomes  aware  and  attentive  of  someone’s  physical  appearance,      it  is  usually  long  after  some  sort  of  emotional  attachment  has  been  developed  first. IDEAL    PERSONALITY    TRAITS:              someone  who  is  understanding  and  /  or  accepting.    mana  is  not  an  easy  person  to  get  close  to  and  be  around  a  lot  of  the  time,    for  one  reason  or  another,    and  they  absolutely  need  someone  who  will  be  able  to  see  some  of  those  reasons  and  have  the  capacity  to  be  patient  with  them  on  it.    mana  also  finds  themself  pulled  to  people  who  are  determined  or  resolute  in  their  ideals  (  challenge  them,    stand  up  to  them,    don’t  be  afraid  to  prove  them  wrong  or  show  them  up  )  and  otherwise  things  they  are  passionate  about.    they  can’t  see  the  appeal  in  someone  who  can’t  stand  up  for  themselves,    let  alone  if  it  came  down  to  someone  they  cared  about.      intelligence  is  very  attractive,    though  not  necessary  and  can  be  sometimes  interchanged  with  passion  —    as  mana  is  the  type  of  person  who,    once  warmed  up  to  them,    actually  very  much  adores  a  person  who  likes  to  talk.    it’s  bonus  points  if  it’s  about  something  that  can  engage  the  both  of  them  intellectually  —  because  then  mana  may  even  come  to  participate  verbally  more,    rather  than  their  contentedness  to  just  listen. UNATTRACTIVE    PHYSICAL    TRAITS:              once  again,    appearances  don’t  play  a  factor  at  all  for  mana.    but  there  is  a  difference  to  maintaining  yourself  to  the  best  of  your  ability  and  just  not  giving  a  shit  at  all,    and  that’s  really  the  only  hard  no  factor. UNATTRACTIVE    PERSONALITY    TRAITS:              as  previously  mentioned,    mana  needs  someone  who  is  willing  to  be  patient  and  accepting  of  them  while  still  getting  closer  to  each  other  —    and  if  that’s  not  possible,    then  it  is  a  very  short  trip  on  that  road  to  romance.        something  in  particular  that  comes  to  mind  is  mana’s  habit  to  sometimes  just  up  and  leave  for  a  period  of  time  —    sometimes  without  any  notice  —    and  they  don’t  do  it  to  cause  issues  of  any  sort,    but  this  has  been  a  method  throughout  all  of  their  life  to  find  semblances  of  peace  and  often  to  reground  themselves  mentally  and  emotionally  before  coming  back  to  interact  and  be  around  people  again,        so  it’s  just  something  that  happens.    this  is,    absolutely,    a  habit  that  could  be  worked  on  over  time  and  maybe  even  to  the  point  in  a  relationship  where  mana  no  longer  seeks  those  periods  of  self  isolation  for  weeks  or  days  on  end  at  a  time  (  and  in  the  worst  of  it,    months  )  —    but  if  someone  gets  upset  about  that,    and  only  upset,    i  don’t  think  mana  could  very  well  be  attracted  much  to  them.    i’ve  also  pretty  much  mentioned  mana’s  aversion  to  cowardly  types  or  those  who  just  lack  in  general,    a  backbone  and  allow  others  to  walk  all  over  them.

IDEAL    DATE:              spending  quality  time  together  !    therefore  it  doesn’t  really  matter  at  the  end  of  the  day  what  the  event  in  question  is,    as  long  as  it  feels  like  at  the  end  of  it  they’ve  spent  enough  time  with  each  other.    a  preference  however,    would  be  had  for  small  adventures  —    as  mana  in  exploring  themself  finds  that  they  do  in  fact  like  going  out  and  exploring  new  places.    bonus  if  it’s  sort  of  in  line  in  energy  with  how  the  crystal  tower  raids  before  everything  went  to  shit  —  where  there  is  just  enough  danger  to  make  it  even  more  interesting,    but  none  to  the  point  it  would  be  a  high  point  of  stress  that  takes  away  from  the  enjoyment  of  the  overall  experience.    mana  would  also  be  quite  fond  of  just  squirreling  away  with  their  significant  other  for  a  time  —  a  small,    impromptu  secret  vacation  no  one  else  knows  about  —  or  just  staying  hidden  away  in  the  walls  of  their  home  for  an  evening. DO    THEY    HAVE    A    TYPE?              not  particularly.    the  most  in  line  things  to  a  ‘type’  would  be  the  attributes  listed  in  the  personality  section. AVERAGE    RELATIONSHIP    LENGTH:              seeing  as  how  mana  usually  does  not  entertain  the  notion  of  relationships  as  something  they  actively  seek,    when  one  is  established,    consider  them  being  in  it  for  the  long  haul.    very  much  so  a    “i  am  yours  until  you  do  not  want  me,    and  even  then”    type  of  person  in  their  affection  and  dedication.

PREFERRED    NON-SEXUAL    INTIMACY:              just  being  near  them  —  sitting  side  by  side,    with  shoulders  touching  or  resting  heads  together.    holding  hands  or  the  frequent  brushing  of  fingers,    brushing  /  washing  /  idly  playing  with  another’s  hair.    mana  also  often  when  interlocking  fingers,    idly  has  the  habit  of  holding  or  pressing  their  partners  fingers  or  the  back  of  their  hand  to  their  lips  for  a  kiss  or  too.    they  also  press  them  to  their  s/o’s  wrists  —  but  that’s  more  so  done  on  purpose.    they  very  much  just  like  to  be  able  to  exist  within  the  presence  of  their  partner  and  get  a  sense  of  joy  from  it,    even  if  they  may  not  be  directly  or  constantly  interacting  the  whole  time.

COMMITTMENT    LEVEL:              mana’s  commitment  level  can  be  considered  as  for  life  —  and  this  is  applicable  to  monogamous  and  open  relationships,    and  mana  does  not  have  an  aversion  to  either  or  (  it  is  always  the  person(s)  above  all  ).    if  they  get  to  that  point  of  developing  those  kinds  of  feelings  for  someone,    you’re  stuck  with  them.

OPINION    ON    PUBLIC    AFFECTION:              not  something  mana  is  particularly  a  fan  of,    but  they  won’t  begrudge  a  partner  if  they  enjoy  it.    just  don’t  go  overboard  with  it  —    a  stolen  kiss  here  or  there  is  fine,    as  is  holding  hands,    these  read  more  so  passive  to  them  and  are  things  they  may  even  initiate  themself  if  they’re  in  the  mood.    but  overly  dramatic  and  frequent  displays  of  affection  will  only  serve  to  upset  them  and  possibly,    even  make  them  anxious.

PAST    RELATIONSHIPS:              none.    they  however,    at  a  point  in  time  in  their  life,    made  attempts  that  ended  in  one  or  two  half  hearted  and  extremely  short  lived  flings  equivalent  to  a  one  night  stand.

TAGGED    BY:      no one  i  saw  this  shit  from  like  three  different  people  and  i  stole  it  lmao  (   @drachenblood​   @ritterblood​   @battlethrill​    )  TAGGING:      you should absolutely take this from me.

[vonkarma2]

also dw if you don’t want to but crow

My overall opinion on the character: he’s like in the characters of all time tier like not only do I love him a lot as a character he’s like iconic to me. Influential. I really like his story and his personality genuinely I think his whole backstory is very interesting. also he’s funny

One virtue they have: I guess his sincere desire to protect others and keep them safe even though it’s influenced by and corrupted by outside forces and overall not expressed in the best ways it’s still nice. Like it’s kinda faint praise to say that he’ll make absolutely sure the person isn’t innocent or the wrong person before he kills them. But at least he does it ✌️ and ofc it’s all for the sake of humanity ✌️ although you could say his devotion to these ideals is a huge flaw ✌️ but it comes from a good place I guess at least partially

One flaw they have: I’m going to try to come up with something more in depth than like “he kills people” I guess his self righteousness like his unwillingness to consider that what he’s doing May be wrong. Obviously you get why he does this considering it’s how he’s spent his life for a very long time he’s been manipulated since he was like relatively young but still. Not even like he won’t question like the sanctum overall or like the way he became Crow in the first place, even just in like specific actions. So I guess overconfidence? I’ve talked about like 3 different things here lmao I hope this made sense. 

Favorite moment from their arc: I don’t really know his entire arc unfortunately. The part where he dies I don’t know if he dies. The part where he dies peacefully surrounded by loved ones in 2063. Ok but for real I liked the part where Lennox asked him if he liked being in the Sanctum and he lost his mind trying to justify it. It was both funny and sad <3

Least favorite moment from their arc: I don’t really have a least favorite moment. I didn’t like when he killed people that was sad. I guess at like the beginning of his backstory when he was an annoying teenager who made 1 terrible decision next thing you know he’s monologuing about his philosophy and driving around killing people in his shitty car. Not in that it’s badly written but in that 1) he was annoying back then 2) everything that happened to him could have been so easily prevented

One relationship they have with another character: This is so funny I have to explain a character relationship to the creator of those characters. I guess I’m going to go with grossly oversimplifying his relationship with Lennox, basically he’s weirdly intense and dedicated to all humans so that ofc includes him but he also likes him a lot personally. Whereas Lennox is both put off by this and likes him more because of it, and/or I guess is intrigued. Like he’s interested in learning more about him which I would be too like what the hell is going on there. Also they have a gay thing going on or whatever. This is incredibly general but like that’s part of it I guess. This explanation might not sound very enthusiastic, but I do think they have a very interesting dynamic and I think could develop a lot from knowing each other if that makes sense

One relationship I'd like to see explored from this character: Honestly him and Dashwood I think are interesting, ofc I’d like to see him interact with Kaleela and Baize too (potentially Aidan as well could you imagine. But like at the point in time when they would interact Crow would be too busy feeling like this

to have like a real relationship with him) but I think like with their connection going back so far, + this whole thing being Dashwood’s idea so he kinda shares the blame for everything Crow has done along with the man himself, + the way they have wildly different perspectives on their relationship. So I think it could be very interesting. Shame he fucking died lol

What I would have liked to see happen with them in the media: oh idk ummm. Well first of all anything just bc I love reading about him in general. But I guess I would say like positive character growth and just mundane activities. Me when I care for the well-being of a fictional character, but idk I would like to see him doing normal things and also changing his mindset and becoming a better person or whatever 🙄

[bopbopstyles]

3. More Than a Song

SERIES RATING: M (sex)

CHAPTER WORD COUNT: 9.7k

MASTERLIST | INSPO TAG | ASK

Y/N promised herself she would never date a musician. It was her one rule–her only rule, actually–when it came to dating. But then, Harry Styles rolled into her life and asked her to break it, just this once. And this is what happened.

a/n: prepare for ANGST! and dunkirk premiere harry aka one of his best looks ever :) also thank u to @havethetimeofyourstyles for making my line breaks bc i’m inept at making things xoxo

pls reblog to spread the word about only exception! 🥰

“Baby,” Harry said, turning to her from where he stood in his closet. “Can you help me with my collar? I can’t get it.”

Y/N set down her phone—she was ready first, which wasn’t surprising considering it took Harry ages to get ready, partially because he kept getting distracted with her. He’d touch her, run his hands all over her, ask if he could get her out of her lingerie, and she’d have to remind him that she’d barely even had it on and they had an important event. “Sure.”

Harry looked dashing—he always did. After much debate, they had decided on a simple white silk short-sleeved button down and a pair of flared black pants, cool enough for May in LA, but still perfectly Harry. Y/N had painted his nails last night a pastel purple while they had watched a documentary about sheep—which Harry had selected—and the color popped against the neutrals of the rest of the outfit. Shoes were still up in the air, but Y/N was trying to get him to wear the yellow loafers he’d gotten recently, the ones she was so obsessed with she was considering stealing for herself.

Somehow Harry always managed to mess up his collars before big nights, the nerves probably getting to him. Y/N smoothed the material on his shoulders to relax him before popping up his collar and folding it back down crisply. “There you go.” In the mirror in front of Harry, her eyes trailed down his body, from his sweet curls she had labored over styling in the bathroom, to the recently tailored pants he wore. She wrapped her arms around his waist and squeezed, a smile dancing onto Harry’s face at the action. “Nervous, bubs?”

He turned his head and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. “Bit. More for you to hear it than anyone else.”

The honesty of his statement brought butterflies to her tummy. Harry had been in and out of meetings for the past few months getting together the release of his debut album and putting the final touches on it, but at no point had he let her hear it. She suspected it was because he was scared she’d hate it, but when she asked her dad about it, he told her to think about it as his journal. His journal of a past that Y/N hadn’t been a part of. That had made Y/N understand a bit better, the prospect of being nervous of what she’d think of him more the worry than a worry of what she’d think of the music. So she nuzzled her nose into his shoulder, careful not to get lipstick on the fabric, and told him, “I’m going to love it. It’ll be perfect, just like you.”

Harry’s arms wrapped backwards so he could hold her to him and they stood there, holding one another, basking in each other’s presence before everyone else arrived. It had been a busy couple months for them to start a relationship—Y/N was swamped at work, her boss having left so she had to take on extra work, and Harry was releasing his album, Dunkirk was coming out in the summer, and his tour started in the fall. It was a lot to say the least, and Y/N tried not to think about it too often because she’d get all in her head and ignore Harry’s texts for hours until he called her and asked her if she wanted gummy worms or Hershey’s for movie night. Then, she’d remind herself that they were doing good—really good, even. Better than other relationships that she had been in for this long. Usually this was when she got bored, but with Harry she kept falling for him more and more every day they spent with each other.

He was like a drug, and she was addicted.

“We should head down,” Y/N said, brushing back from him. “Wear the yellow ones, yeah?”

He mumbled something under his breath about her being bossy and coming for Lambert’s job and she snorted, leaving him in the walk-in closet to straighten himself out. Her phone in her hand, she slipped on her heels, a summer sandal with a platform so her feet didn’t hurt, the perfect compliment to her flowing sundress she’d selected for the release party. When Harry had seen it he’d promptly asked if she could take it off so he could ravish her, so she decided it was a good choice. It emphasized her curves in a way that made her feel confident and she’d pinned her hair over one shoulder, the earrings Harry had gotten her for their three-month anniversary on display.

Re-emerging, Harry rolled his eyes over her body and she gave him a soft smile at the way his eyes screamed with desire. “See something you like?”

“Fuck yes,” he cursed. “Can’t wait to have you all to myself later.” Hands in hers, he pressed a searing kiss to her lips, the kind that made her toes curl, before pulling back. “C’mon, Azoff is yelling at me over text about being late to my own party.”

“It’s literally downstairs,” she pointed out. “He’s just mad he can’t embarrass you in front of your friends.”

Harry laughed, arm tucked around her waist as they descended the stairs of his house. He’d bought it at the end of February, a birthday gift to himself, and Y/N had thought to herself at the time that it wasn’t about her, it was about him. But it was kind of hard whenever he had her help him pick out all the furniture, making sure she approved of the colors he painted the walls and the patio furniture.

Downstairs, the party was in full force. Harry hadn’t invited too many people, mostly the same crowd as his birthday. Since it was at his house, he was hesitant to give the address out to too many people, but ultimately he wanted to be able to do whatever the fuck he wanted to celebrate, no paps around. Also, it was hot and he had a pool, so he had told everyone to bring a swimsuit just in case they wanted to take a dip. Y/N had persuaded him to keep it simple and they’d ordered pizza from his favorite place and she made some a ton of margaritas for everyone to help themselves to. Jeff was left in charge of the door when Harry was late finishing getting dressed, and she could tell that he had done a fine job. The tunes were going, people were drinking, and everyone seemed happy. He had even put the album countdown that Y/N had spent two hours making that morning on the TV.

“Stay close to me, please?” Harry asked her, bending his head to whisper in her ear when they reached the group.

Y/N nodded, and Harry began happily talking to Jeff. Y/N started up a conversation with another one of the Full Stop employees who had come who she’d met at a brunch a few weeks ago, plucking some details from her brain about her boyfriend to check-in about. Then, a familiar face flashed in the crowd. “Hanna!”

Harry had suggested the idea of inviting her best friends to the party and Y/N had leapt at the idea. The prospect of having her two favorite people be there with her to celebrate her boyfriend was her idea of a perfect night. Hanna’s red hair popped up, her smile giddy from seeing Y/N. Cutting through the crowd, she quickly made it to Y/N, who wrapped her best friend up in a tight hug.

“I’m so happy you’re here,” she said. “Find it okay?”

Hanna nodded. “Security at the gate did not want to let me in though. Jamie is on his way—Cole called while he was walking out the door.” Jamie and Cole had been together for years and Y/N decided the first time she met Cole that there wasn’t anyone better for Jamie, and Jamie seemed to agree. “How are you?”

“Amazing,” Y/N replied and she truly was. She felt like she was on cloud nine right now, the energy bouncing off of Harry absorbing into every one of her pores. “Excited to finally hear it.”

“You should be.” Hanna leaned over and tapped Harry on the shoulder.

His attention shifted from some work-related conversation with Jeff quickly over to his girlfriend’s best friend. “Oh, hello Hanna,” he said, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek. “Thank you so much for coming.”

“No place I’d rather be,” Hanna replied. “Now can I steal Y/N?”

Harry’s eyes lingered on Y/N, but he gave her a warm smile. “‘Course.”

Y/N followed her best friend out onto the patio, giving hugs and saying hello to the friends of Harry’s she’d met during the past few months of them being together. Harry watched her with awe at how well she had fit into his life, she’d succeeded faster than any other girl he’d ever dated. The tidbits of information she remembered and the way she made an effort to be present in the conversations, her deep knowledge of music and the industry coming in handy. He loved having a girl at her side who knew what all of his team did without him having to explain it to her. It was small, but it made a difference to him.

“H,” Mitch said, pulling his gaze from his girlfriend back to the conversation he’d been having with Mitch, Adam, and Sarah. “You good?”

“Yeah,” he replied, taking a sip of the margaritas Y/N had made for the party. She’d slaved over them all day while he was on calls and doing interviews and he appreciated it so much. He reminded himself to tell her later when he had her alone and could tell her properly.

Sarah smiled at him knowingly. “He’s just looking at Y/N, as usual.”

Mitch and Adam chuckled, but Harry frowned. “Am I not allowed to look at my girl?”

“You are,” Adam said, “just be careful, mate. You told us about the rule, remember?”

The Rule. The goddamn rule that controlled this relationship more than he felt like he did, sometimes. He didn’t know how much Y/N thought about it at this point in their relationship, but then again it was still technically pretty early in the grand scheme of things. But for him, it was a constant reminder than their time together was fleeting, that at any point she might want to leave him, his lifestyle too hard. And it’s not that he blamed her. He just hated that it was a possibility. “I know.”

“How’s it going?” Adam pressed. Harry had been distant these past few weeks, holing himself up in the house with Y/N every chance he got when they weren’t rehearsing and he wasn’t on a call. It was hectic and he knew that his friends worried about him.

Harry took another sip of his margarita, eyes finding Y/N out on the patio laughing with Hanna, hair blowing in the wind. “Been good. She seems really happy,” he continued at the sight of her smile. “Bit nervous about tonight, if I’m being honest though.” He’d told Y/N the same thing, but the pit in his stomach still lingered. She had said she was excited, but he didn’t know how she would react to him releasing an album full of songs about his exes and flings.

They all got it though. “About which song?”

“All of ‘em,” he said nervously, and it was true. Y/N came into his life after the album was done, the idea of adding a song about her impossible. Even though he could’ve written dozens—he already had, the voice memos on his phone to prove it. Sometimes he’d sneak away to the bathroom while she slept to sing something that popped into his head, and the few that he’d shown the band they liked. It was all material for the next album, they told him. Some of them had even become full-fledged songs after a few hours locked in his office, but he hadn’t shared them yet. They still felt too raw.

Sarah reached out a hand and squeezed Harry’s shoulder. “She’ll get it, H. Her dad’s a musician, you know? If there was anyone who would understand, it would be her.”

And she was probably right. But there was a feeling in his gut that Harry couldn’t shake—that tonight wouldn’t end well for them. He’d felt it when he had woken up this morning and no matter how many time he kissed Y/N to make it go away, it lingered and it was making his brain go wild.

He hoped it was just the nerves.

The night passed quickly. There were speeches, a cake, Jeff pulled out a bottle of champagne, and Y/N had rejoined Harry at his side for the most part. And at this party, there was no question as to who she was—to everyone she was “Y/N, my girlfriend,” and Harry loved it. Particularly the look on her face that she would get every once in a while when her eyes caught his. He didn’t know what to call it, but he just knew that he felt the same way.

Before he knew it, it was 11:59 and everyone had gathered in the living room. The TV had the countdown on that Y/N had designed, the album cover with the numerical countdown over it, another bottle of champagne in Harry’s hand, ready to pop. Y/N stood a few people away from him, watching him with that look in her eyes that she’d been giving him all night that made him weak in the knees and made him curious what she would do to him when they were upstairs. He knew why Y/N was keeping her distance right now—she had mentioned it once before when they were curled up in bed after Harry asked her to be put down as a co-host for the party, that this success was his and his alone. That she was here at the end and she wanted it to be all his. She was here to support him and give him kisses after, but it was all his.

“10, 9, 8.” This was it. It was Harry’s debut album, his first solo record. It was weird for the rest of the guys to not be here when an album dropped. Usually, they were all standing together with bottles of champagne, ready to celebrate with one another.

“7, 6, 5, 4.” And Harry didn’t know which one was worse and which was better. Maybe they were both equally as wonderful, because he had other friends here to stand by his side. Jeff, Sarah, Mitch, Adam. James, floating around somewhere. His mum and sister tried to be here but Gemma got sick and Anna wanted to stay behind to take care of her.  

“3, 2,” He had Y/N. He had Y/N’s excited expression, her wide eyes and flushed cheeks, the look of pride on her face that he treasured.

“1!” But this was his, his success, his win. With the first notes of the album playing in the room, he popped the bottle of champagne and with the bubbles running down the side of the bottle, he took a long swig.

Cheers went up around him, his best friends celebrating his biggest success of his career thus far, one he’d fought long and hard for. One he was immensely proud of and he hoped he would always look back on fondly. And the sound of his album blaring in his house’s sound system—the sound of Meet Me in the Hallway, it brought him to tears.

“Aww, man,” Adam brought him into a hug, patting Harry softly on his back. “Y/N! Come here!”

Y/N was there in an instant, wrapping Harry up in her arms, his head falling onto her shoulder, sobs wracking his body as they stood there. He didn’t even care that his friends were all there witnessing him crying into his girlfriend’s shoulder, he was just so overwhelmed.

“You okay, bubs?” Y/N asked, petting the back of his head softly.

“It’s a lot,” he replied softly, trying to find the words. “Happy. But also just…”

Her hands ran up and down his back, rubbing circles. “I know, baby. You don’t need to explain, okay?”

Harry didn’t reply, just tried to find his breath and stop the tears that were welling in his eyes. And when he did, he lifted his head and his lips met Y/N’s, the sound of whoops and cat-calls breaking out around them. The middle finger that Harry raised to them all did nothing to stifle them either. “Thank you,” he said into her hair when they broke.

The feeling of her lips on his neck, a soft kiss, brought him to his knees. “Always.”

And Harry hoped it was true.

While the rest of the party swirled around her—dancing had broke out, James had started making themed drinks, his favorite being the Sign of the Times one—Y/N sat right in front of the speaker, listening to every word of the album. It was her first time hearing it and she knew Harry would probably play it for her later, but she wanted to hear it now. She wanted to hear his pride and joy, the thing that had him beaming and laughing with his friends, belting out the lyrics with Mitch and Adam in a conga line that was worming its way through the room.

And what she heard broke her heart in so many ways.

Y/N knew that music, and much of art, stemmed from pain and hurt. A good amount of it was also about love, but the songs that were some of the rawest, the ones that hit home for most people, were the ones about our darkest moments. Harry’s album was full of them. Heartbreak, heartache, regrets, addiction to people and things. It was chock full of every one of his deepest darkest secrets, especially the women who he had loved before he met her. There was a part of her that knew that he would tell her in his own time about the stories of some of these women—he had mentioned a few when she’d asked about them—and that she didn’t need to push, but there was this disgusting, self-sabotaging part of her that wanted to know every sordid detail, even though she knew it would hurt her.

This was one of the many reasons she had always told herself she would never date a musician, but more importantly that she would never fall for one. Because their relationship, their joys and pitfalls, heartache and brightest moments, it was all fodder for a song, an album, a career. It wasn’t the artist’s fault, that’s how it worked, but that didn’t make it any easier to be the person they were writing about.

Was that all she was? Another girl for Harry to write a song about?

She wanted to be happy for him, to be glowing and beaming for him, but the part of her that she hated, the part that conjured the worst possible parts of people, it was crawling out of her head. It was twisting Harry and she knew it, but that didn’t mean she didn’t believe it.

The album only lasted 40 minutes, but in those 40 minutes the party died down. People had jumped in the pool while Y/N sat by the speaker, they had finished their drinks, they had said their goodbyes, the object of the event passed. Hanna and Jamie came over and gave her hugs, concerned looks on their faces, and told her to call them if she needed anything. When she looked up, the last notes of From the Dining Table fading, it was just her left.

A light from the patio twinkled and she could see the water rippling under the moonlight. Harry.

She left the stereo silent, not cuing up another playlist, and tugged off her shoes, then her dress. Following the pull of the man who had written such a beautiful, heartbreaking, hopeful record, she walked to the patio.

“There you are.” He was floating on his back in just his boxers, which didn’t surprise Y/N in the slightest. The fairy lights they had strung up together were dim in the nighttime darkness, but just bright enough so she could see Harry and all his beauty. “Look bloody gorgeous, love.”

Y/N tucked her hair into a loose bun at the nape of her neck, knotting the hair so it stayed. “Finished the album,” she said, walking to the water’s edge.

“Yeah?” Harry swam over to her, leaning his head on her thighs that rested on the concrete that lined the pool. “What’d you think?”

She couldn’t help the heartbroken smile that graced her features, because she was too tired to lie to him. Exhausted from trying to pretend that she didn’t think about the fact that he could leave her at any moment, that the insecurities of who she was and who he was didn’t catch up to her sometimes. His fingertips brushed at her cheeks and Y/N realized she was crying.

“Y/N? What’s wrong?” He hoisted himself out of the water and hooked one of his legs around her waist, pulling her into his wet skin. It was cold against the night air, but somehow Harry was still warm to her.

“I don’t know how to say this,” she said slowly, struggling to find her words.

Fingers drifted up and down her back. “Just do your best.”

She tried not to think about the fact that she was crying on his album release day, that they were having this conversation now. One that sat in the back of her mind when she was alone and Harry couldn’t banish it. “The album is beautiful, Harry,” she started, “but it’s about a past that I wasn’t a part of.” Harry was quiet, but his arms didn’t move from their place around her, so she forged on. “I know that artists write from their experience, and that this album was done before I met you, but there’s this part of me, this horrible part that I utterly despise, that is jealous of them. The women who you wrote about. And the fact that it’s them that you’re going to sing about on stage every night. Does that make sense?”

The brush of his chin against her spine showed her that yes, he understood.

“And,” she continued, voice breaking, “I can’t stop thinking about the fact that maybe I’m going to be a song.”

“Of course you’re going to be a song,” Harry said, his voice soft and sweet.

He didn’t get it. To him, being a song was an honor, but to her, it was a threat almost. “No—it’s that I’m going to be only a song.”

The man next to her didn’t say a word. The chirp of the crickets stretched between their bodies, which were still close on the concrete floor, not a muscle moved.

“I don’t want to only be a song.” Y/N’s voice was hoarse, sobs wracking her body she didn’t expect, didn’t want. She couldn’t have this conversation if she was crying, but she couldn’t hold them in either. It was her biggest fear, the one that festered below all of the others, threatening to consume the relationship she had with a man she was falling for. And falling was the only way to describe it—without any support, a free fall that was utterly terrifying but also blissful peaceful.

Suddenly, his fingers swept across her neck, brushing against her sensitive skin. “Y/N,” he whispered, “you could never be just a song. You’re—you’re like the stars and the moon to me. In that room I could always feel you, wherever you were, and I didn’t want to be anywhere where you weren’t. And maybe this is too fast and too soon, but what I feel for you, fuck Y/N how can you not see how much you are to me?”

He pulled her head so she faced him, his eyes teary to match her own. “Do you hear me? You’re so much more than a song. You’re an album. You’re my life’s work, my masterpiece, a symphony. A song can’t contain how I feel for you, it’s just a piece of a billion I could write.”

Soft as a feather, his lips pressed to her cheeks and then up and across her forehead, over her eyelids, barely leaving a mark but a searing fire in his wake that shook Y/N’s core. “And Y/N, you’re better than a song. You’re my life. You’re here, you’re real, you’re with me. Y/N, you will never be just a song to me. You never could be. Not to me.”

Y/N rested her forehead against his, inhaling his cologne and exhaling her feelings for him. He managed to rip down all her defenses, the ones she had spent years building up, and it was frightening. But then she looked at him, the way he smiled at her, the way he kissed her, the way he said her name, and it wasn’t quite as scary. She hoped he could feel how much she cared for him in the way she kissed him, their tears blending into one as they scrambled for each other. Lips breaking and meeting, desperate for more and more and more. Her fingers gripped the back of his head, holding him to her, wanting to have his whole body imprinted on hers.

“Y/N,” he breathed, “you heard me? You understand?”

“Yes,” she replied softly, “I hear you.” She brushed her fingers through his hair gently, curling the wet strands back. “You may need to remind me sometimes.”

“Always,” he whispered, catching her kiss with his own, tugging her into him, arms around her body in a vice grip.

She lost herself in Harry, him an ocean and her a boat lost at sea. Maybe it was their conversation or the night or the alcohol flowing through their veins, but it felt different. The way he kissed her felt heavier, her moans a prayer, his fingers on his back a weight she never wanted lifted. Her legs wrapped around his waist so she was firmly in his lap, arms thrown over his shoulders, their bare bodies except for their underwear pressed against each other without a molecule of air between them.

His lips drew a line across the top of her shoulder, a fire building in her belly as his fingers fumbled with the clasp of her bra. It was a light pink she’d worn just for him and when he nudged at the strap with his nose, letting it slip from her shoulders, she didn’t care that he could barely see it. She’d show him tomorrow morning. He pulled the fabric away and bent his head, licking at one of her nipples and then the other, gasps falling from her mouth like poetry. Without meaning to, her hips rolled over his cock, the thin fabric of their underwear doing nothing to keep the heat of her center from touching his sensitive skin.

He moaned her name, the sound muffled against her neck as he sucked a love bite into the spot that made her keen every time he nipped into it. She rocked again on him, his fingers digging into her skin so hard it would leave marks tomorrow but she didn’t care. In fact, she wanted to have his marks on her tomorrow, she wanted to show the world that she wasn’t just a song, she was his, she was his girlfriend and she made him feel this way.

Hands on skin, he pressed her down onto the concrete so she was lying down, her ankles tucked around his hips, anchoring her to him. When his hips bucked into hers, she let out a sharp cry, the angle brushing her clit perfectly. “Right there?” He mumbled, nipping and tugging on her nipple, laving a circle that left her squirming against the concrete.

“Off,” she whispered, tugging at his boxers with her hands. “Wanna feel you.” With his help, they shimmied off his boxers without too much difficulty and Y/N let out a sigh of relief when she could feel his cock brush against her covered folds. Reaching a hand down, she brushed the pad of her thumb across his tip, a pained hiss flying from Harry’s throat. He was sensitive and Y/N loved it.

They didn’t have a condom, but she didn’t care. She’d been on birth control for years and she knew Harry hadn’t slept with anyone else since she found her way into his life. Plus, she needed him—she wanted to feel him, raw and bare inside of her.

They were going to have sex on the concrete next to his pool, but she didn’t care. They had had sex before and they would have sex again. She just needed him in a desperate, crawling way. When he nudged at her underwear she pressed into him, letting him pull them down her legs without a second thought.

“Condom,” Harry mumbled as she chased after his lips, open mouthed and heavy.

“It’s okay,” she said, fingers digging into his shoulder blades. “Want you like this.”

Harry’s head dropped to the space between her neck and shoulder, the groan that filled the air unlike anything she had heard before. “Gonna ruin me,” he whispered, brushing his cock against her folds. Y/N whimpered at the sensation, her fingers begging him for more, for anything she would give him. When his fingers brushed her clit, his name tumbled from her lips without abandon.

“Harry, please,” she panted, fingers deep in his hair.

That was all it took. She was so wet from the foreplay and just him that he didn’t even need to stretch her out. Her mouth fell open as he pushed inside, a mewl landing on his lips as he kissed her. Slowly, he pulled out and then back in, both of them groaning from the sensation of him being bare inside her. He felt impossibly close, every ridge and edge of him pressing against her in the most perfect way. She didn’t know if she could use condoms again, because holding Harry to her chest, arms around his shoulders as he fucked slowly, deeply, into her, her able to feel every inch of her, it was bliss on a new level. A sensation she didn’t know she was missing with him.

Her ankles hitched higher on his hips and when he pushed back in he hit a new angle, a groan ripping from his throat that set her on fire. “Can I go faster?” He said with a grunt. “I—I don’t know how much—“

“Yes,” she whimpered at his words.

He didn’t wait. He drew back and into her, pistoning his hips at a pace she couldn’t even describe, hitting that spot deep inside of her that made her eyes roll back over and over. How he managed to do that she didn’t know, but he deserved an award. Fingers grabbing at his skin in desperation for something to hold her together, Y/N gasped and exhaled his name, a plea and a beg and a prayer all in one. Her back hurt from the concrete but she didn’t care, she just wanted to finish, to feel him release deep inside of her.

Then he thumbed over her clit and she arched up, back leaving the concrete as the fire deep within her threatened to bubble over. When he start brushing circles there, Y/N gripped his shoulders like they would keep her anchored to Earth, her body possibly transcending. Harry bent his head and sucked a love bite on her breast, the puncture of skin forcing her head back, unable to keep it together.

“You close?” He asked, littering her chest with kisses, “Please tell me you are, I can’t, I can’t hold on…”

She mumbled a yes as he drove deep inside of her, swiveling his hips in a brutal way that left her hands squeezing his butt cheeks to get him to do it again. When he did, she swore she saw stars. “Gonna come,” she said, eyes searching for his lips in the low lighting. “Kiss?”

Without hesitation, he kissed her, open mouthed and dirty and sloppy and perfect. She wanted every rough-edged and sweet part of him, every kiss and press of his body against hers. “Y/N, Y/N, Y/N,” he chanted as he pressed into her again and again, her body drawing tighter and tighter. Then, he pinched her clit and she came, the ball in her tummy unravelling, hips bucking up against him as she rode out her high. Her eyes stayed trained on him as she did, not wanting to miss his face when he came inside of her.

His hips stuttered, release unloading inside of her in ropes that left him cursing like a sailor. Hair wet and sweaty, sticking to his forehead, and irises blown out, he looked beautiful. She held him close until his body settled, shaking as he came down from his high, forehead resting on the swell of her breasts.

Slowly, he rolled off of her, tugging her body into his so she wasn’t on the cold concrete anymore. He was fiery hot and it kept her warm in the cold air. “Can we never use a rubber again?” He asked softly, and she giggled, hiding her face in his neck.

“Don’t see any reason to,” she replied and he hummed with joy. Tucking her hands under her chin, she looked at him with a smile. “Congrats on your album, baby.”

He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear tenderly. “I’m so happy I shared today with you.” She kissed him softly and let him hold her close, not wanting to move even to go to bed because it meant leaving his grasp. And as much as her head told her that it wasn’t forever, she couldn’t help but hope it would be.

It had been four days since Harry had texted her. Five since he called her. Six since they FaceTimed.

He was in London for the press junket for Dunkirk and Y/N was supposed to fly out for the July 13th premiere—it was decided a month ago, the tickets booked and her time off from work already approved. But as the days stretched on and the silence grew longer, she couldn’t help but wonder if something was wrong. If she had done something wrong.

It wasn’t the first time he had been away from LA. They had a conversation about how they were going to handle distance when he travelled back in April, before the album came out and he had to fly around and do press for two weeks. That time, though, he handled it well—he called every night before she went to bed if he could, if not, he sent a long voice memo that she listened to when she woke up. They texted all day, him sending photos from dressing rooms and backstage at talk shows, even FaceTiming her so she could meet the stars he shared the nights with.

But this time was different. Since he left he had texted her just a handful of times and it was when he was at his mom’s house visiting home before press started. And then once press kicked into gear, he was gone, her texts ignored, calls not returned. She was trying not to seem desperate, but with the more time that passed the more anxious she got. It wasn’t how this was supposed to go, this wasn’t what they’d agreed on. He knew her fears, the dark thoughts that crowded in when she spent too much time worrying about their relationship, and yet he wasn’t taking the actions that helped her calm down. Even though she knew it wasn’t his responsibility to take care of her brain, it helped to know he thought about her, at the very least.

The morning before her flight was supposed to leave, she called Hanna in a panic. Her suitcases laid open on her bed, clothes scattered around her, tears streaming down her face. She had tried to call Harry again to confirm her arrival plans, only to be met with his voicemail, again.

Hi, you’ve reached Harry. I’ll give you a call back when I can!

Somehow, the sound of his voice made it worse.

“Han,” she choked out when her friend picked up, “I don’t know what to do.”

“Did he not answer?” Hanna had been counseling her through the whole thing, helping her stay calm and sane, as much as possible at least. From Y/N’s lack of response, just more sobs, Hanna knew immediately. “That prick.”

Y/N wiped a tear from her eye and looked at the ticket in her hand. Harry had forced her to accept his offer of first-class, booking her flight through his agent and everything. “Does he even want me there? Should I not go?”

Hanna was quiet, thoughts rolling through her head. “No,” she finally said. “You should go. Even if it’s just to talk to him in person. You deserve to hear it face-to-face, not by him ghosting you.”

“Even if that means I end up in London and he breaks up with me?”

“Yes,” Hanna replied softly. “But I really, really hope that is not what’s happening.”

At first it had been that he was busy, that he would text when he had time, but it had been six days. Now, both Y/N and Hanna were increasingly worried that it meant the end of their relationship and Y/N was simply not ready for that possibility. She had let Harry in—he had begged her to let him in—and he was going to end things like this? When things got hard with the distance he just…cut her out? “Can you take me to the airport?” Y/N asked, sniffling. “If you don’t I don’t think I’ll be able to force myself to go.”

“Was already planning on it,” Hanna replied. “I’ll bring snacks for the flight.”

“Love you,” Y/N told her. Hanna was her one constant, who knew Y/N better than she knew herself.

“Love you more. Now go finish packing and call me if you need me, okay?”

Y/N told her okay and hung up, her gaze shifting to her suitcase. If he was going to break up with her, then she was going to look so magnificent he would regret every second of it.

Eleven hours in the air meant plenty of time to run over her entire relationship with Harry. She had sat curled up in her seat scrolling through her camera roll and listening to Bon Iver, which was the sappiest thing possible and she didn’t care. Y/N didn’t want to break up with him and the photos and the texts and the memories proved it. Her time with Harry had been so beautifully bright, his presence in her life making so much better, from her confidence to her knowledge to her music taste. And she cared about him in a way she hadn’t let herself do—ever.

She had texted Jeff before she took off, telling him she couldn’t get a hold of Harry and asking where she should go when she landed. He replied with Harry’s Hampstead address and the door code, saying there was a key waiting for her, hidden in the garden, an apology on Harry’s behalf for how busy he had been. The words meant nothing, though, to Y/N. If Harry wanted to apologize he would have to do it in person, not through Jeff.

It was eleven by the time her Uber pulled up to Harry’s house and she thanked the driver as he tugged her luggage from the boot. She waited until he pulled away before she typed in the gate code, not wanting to reveal Harry’s security to anyone—she have been mad at him, but she still didn’t want anything happening to him. The door unlocked for her and she slid inside, shutting it quickly behind her. Pulling her suitcase behind her, she walked up the path, searching for the garden statue Jeff had told her the key was hiding under. When she found it, her fingers ran across the ridges as she made her way to the front door.

His house in LA was warm, it was the Harry she knew. But this house felt colder, the design modern, his personal affects not as visible. Although to his credit, he hadn’t been here for more than a few days in months. A few photos of Anne and Gemma were scattered through the front hall, some framed photos of his time in One Direction nestled between them.

“Harry?” She knew he wasn’t there, but the idea of walking into his house without checking felt too uncomfortable for her. She locked the door tightly behind her, typing in the security code Jeff had sent before re-arming it.

Y/N took her time exploring his house. She perused the main spaces, testing out the couches and peeking at his bookcases, studying the art lining the walls. Then she made her way upstairs to the bedrooms, running her fingers along the edges of his One Direction album plaques that lined the walls of his office, the ones from his debut still resting on the floor waiting to be hung. She found the guest bedrooms with ease and she spent a good five minutes standing on the landing deciding if she should go into his bedroom or set herself up in a guest one.

She settled on a guest bedroom. If he was going to break things off, she didn’t want to know what his bed felt like or smell his clothes or take a shower in his bathroom.

Instead, she showered in the guest bath, washing off the plane smell that lingered on her body. She dressed in shorts and a tank top, letting her hair air dry since she would have to just re-style it for the premiere later. Jeff hadn’t told her what time Harry would be back and she was ravenous, so she wandered downstairs to fix herself some lunch. To fill the silence in the house she turned on The 1975, playing the music from her laptop she had open on the counter as she cooked some pasta she had found in the cabinet. As she ate at his dining table, she tried not to think about the fact that this could be the last time she was in a space of Harry’s. The last time she sat on things he had picked out, the last time she rooted through his fridge, past his obnoxious green juices and leftovers since he hated eating out if he didn’t have to. Her fingers brushed at her eyes, trying to stop the tears that threatened to fall down her cheeks.

Reaching down for her fork to take another bite, she suddenly heard the lock click in the front door and the security system begin to beep.

He was home.

She slid her bowl away from her and turned to look at the doorway, waiting to see his face for the first time in over a week. And when he appeared, she couldn’t the return the stretched across his face at the sight of her in his house. He looked the same and somehow that was worse. In a nice shirt from interviews this morning, his hair slightly tossed from running his fingers through it, the sheen on his upper lip from the heat outside. He looked like her Harry, but she didn’t know if he was hers anymore.

“Y/N!” His voice rebounded off the walls, filling her heart with a kind of hope that was crushing.

“Hi,” was all she could muster before looking back down at her pasta. An anger rose in her, replacing the hurt that had lingered for so many days. How could he pretend like everything was okay? How could he smile at her like he hadn’t been ignoring her for days, too busy to even check and see how her flight was?

His footsteps were heavy on the hardwood floors as he made his way over to her. “Baby? What is it?”

“Do you want to break up?” She asked, her question hard compared to his kind, gentle, tentative tone.

“What?” Harry dropped into the seat caddy-corner to the chair she sat in. “What are you talking about?”

She pushed away her bowl and looked him dead in the eye. “I haven’t heard from you in days, Harry. Days. I flew halfway across the world for you and you couldn’t even manage to check-in to see if I was alive?”

He flinched at her words, eyes dropping to the table they sat at. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, words barely audible above her heart beating a mile a minute, pulsing with anger.

“That’s not going to cut it,” she told him, standing up and taking her bowl to the sink. “You fucking ghosted me like I was a girl you’d just met. We’re about to celebrate six months together. And you know what this shit does to me.”

And he did. She could see in his eyes that he knew he was in the wrong, and yet he was quiet. “I was busy.”

“So was I! But I still found two seconds to text you asking how it was going, I found fifteen minutes before bed to call you, and I kept trying even though you couldn’t even manage to reply to me. You’re not that busy, Harry.”

He stood too, walking over to where she stood in his kitchen so that he was a few paces away from her. “I was in and out of interviews from morning to night and when I wasn’t, I was with the cast who I haven’t seen in almost a year. And when I wasn’t doing that Jeff was harassing me about tour details or I was sleeping. I’m sorry if my schedule didn’t allow me to talk to you at every second of the day, Y/N, but this is a huge moment for me and I had to focus on that.” His words were measured, but she could feel the tension rising between them, words unsaid bubbling over.

“And your career is more important than our relationship.” She nodded sarcastically, wiping her wet palms on the dish towel and turning to face him. “Got it, heard loud and clear.”

“Fuck—you know it’s not!” His hand ran through his locks and down his face, struggling to get a handle on his breathing.

“Harry,” she said, trying not to yell, “I’m not going to force you to stay in a relationship that you don’t want to put the time in for. But you know exactly what I need from you—I have been very clear. You know my fears and my insecurities, and you know what triggers them. We had a plan for how to deal with this, and you completely disregarded it!” Her voice rose at the end, the fact that he couldn’t even meet her eyes pushing all of her buttons. “Fucking look at me when I talk to you!”

His eyes met hers and she didn’t see the Harry she knew, the Harry who cared for her, the soft, gentle man. Instead, she saw someone who was pissed off and hurt and grasping at straws. “I can’t dance around your fears every moment of the day,” he said, voice spitting anger. “And I’m sorry if that breaks one of your rules,” the word hitting her in the face, “but you’re going to have to get over it because I can’t spend every second of the day wondering if something I did or said has made you think I don’t care about you! You should know that I don’t want to hurt you, that of course I want to be with you!”

“Well, how am I supposed to know if you don’t tell me!” His words stabbed her right where it hurt, hitting her fears right in the heart.

Harry turned, his body facing the counter, fingers gripping the edge of the marble. He sucked in breath after breath trying to calm himself down and Y/N tried to find it within herself to have sympathy for him, but she just…couldn’t. She was so pissed off at him she couldn’t think straight.

“I’m not some girl waiting around for Harry Styles to come home, begging him to never leave me,” Y/N said. She was done. She was done with this fight, with him expecting her to be someone she wasn’t. “I’m me and I’m waiting for Harry, the person I care for so deeply it hurts—you are held to the same standards as every other guy, no matter how busy your schedule is. I should not be expected to fit into your schedule all the time. It goes both ways and you operated this week as if it was entirely my job to stay in touch with you. And I am not going to stay in a relationship like that.”

Harry’s head whipped to hers, eyes boring straight into her. “Are you saying you want to break up?”

Y/N tried to keep her head high, tried to hold back the tears. “If you’re going to do this when you’re on tour, I’m done. You know what I want—it’s the same thing I wanted from this relationship the moment I met you. You’re the only one who seems to think things have changed.” And with that, she stormed out of the room, which was probably petty but she didn’t care. She was so mad at him for his actions and his words that she couldn’t stand to be in the same room as him.

Harry didn’t follow her.

At 1 o’clock, a knock came on her door.

“If you still want to come, we have to leave for the premiere in an hour. It’s up to you.” And with that, he walked away, not even waiting for her to open the door.

She sat on the bed, considering her options. Did she go and support him anyway, pretend everything was fine? Or did she stay here—or maybe find a hotel—and leave him alone for the premiere?

He had told her how nervous he was about this. This was his first time on a movie red carpet as an actor and he was freaking out about it before he left, a ball of anxiety that she had to carefully untangle. The thought of him being up there alone pained her, despite how his hurtful words lingered in her head. That she had to get over it as if it was that simple.

The red dress she had bought for the premiere hung in the bathroom where she had left it while she showered so the wrinkles would leave the fabric. It was beautiful—a tiered taffeta skirt that cinched in at the waist, a caged bodice showing off her shoulders. When she had tried it on she had felt beautiful, powerful, as if she could take on anything and everything. She had spent a ton of money on the dress and she didn’t want to waste it.

So she got up, turning on BANKS and set about her hair and makeup in the bathroom, praising Hanna for teaching her how to do her makeup in college. She painted her lips red, in the shade that she adored wearing, and twisted up her hair into a chignon that emphasized her neck. Running her fingers along the skin she remembered when Harry had kissed it, but the love bite he had left behind was long healed. Was she asking too much of him? She wondered as she looked at herself in the mirror. Was he right, were her fears stifling him?

Then she remembered what Hanna had told her. That he wasn’t anyone different from other guys she had dated, and what she was asking from him wasn’t out of left field. Any guy she would date she would except to check in with her when he was traveling and Harry was no different, no matter what his job was.

Harry was waiting downstairs for her, probably having heard her rummaging around in the closet. When he heard her heels on the stairs, he looked up and his eyesight on her skin burned because he looked gorgeous. Maybe this was a horrible idea, she thought as she made her way towards him. She would have to touch him all night, look at him in his tailored suit, gaze into his green eyes as they were photographed on the red carpet.

“You look beautiful,” he said, words gravelly in his throat.

She stopped a few paces away from him. “Thanks.”

He fiddled with his keys, the silence stretching between them. “Thank you for coming with me. I know you have no reason to, but having you there…It means a lot.”

Instead of replying, because she didn’t have words for him, she just nodded. Because she did have a reason—even though she was mad at him, she still cared for him. Despite not wanting to, she still craved him giving her a kiss on the cheek as they walked out the door.

The drive to the red carpet was quiet, the radio playing softly in the background the only sound. They sat on either side of the backseat, Y/N staring out the window while Harry fiddled with his phone. She hadn’t been to London since she was 18 for her graduation present from her mom, and the city held warm memories for her. She wondered if that would change after today.

When they pulled up, an anxiety Y/N didn’t know she was holding started building, the sight of the photographers and the screams from the fans barricaded in. With all that had been happening, she had somehow forgotten what going to the premiere meant for her. Her eyes fell to Harry who was staring at her, trying to gauge her reaction. She had never done this before and he knew that.

“I’ll be with you the whole time,” he said, trying to calm her fears. “Promise.” It helped. At least she wouldn’t be completely alone. “Ready?” He stretched out a hand to her and she took it, letting him help her from the car.

The second her feet hit the pavement, the screams got louder. Fans with signs and their phones outstretched on either side of the wide red carpet, the word DUNKIRK in large white letters closest to the entrance to the theater. Harry’s hand gripped her as she stood, thankful for his body to help her keep balanced.

“Just smile as best you can,” he whispered in her ear as the car pulled away behind them. “And if your eyes start hurting from the flashes, just look at me, okay?”

Y/N nodded, and with his hand in hers, fingers entertained, they made their way down the carpet. He stopped a few times to take photos with fans and sign cards, but all that time he never strayed too far from Y/N’s side. With his arm securely wrapped around her waist, they stood for photos, Y/N trying to stand up as straight as she could and smile sweetly. Harry was a pro at this, a smile practiced for years, but she didn’t have the same experience. She was just a regular person who didn’t know which side was her bad side and had her eyes closed in half her photos.

The cameramen screamed questions at them, about their relationship, if they were married. They’d never quite publicly announced their relationship, Harry preferring to keep his private life private, so this was the first time they’d ever even publicly been out as a couple. And for it to be like this…Y/N hated it. She wanted to stand there and be utterly infatuated with Harry like she usually was, but this time her spine was rimrod straight, trying to keep her emotions in check. It was awkward, the way he tentatively touched her body, not wanting to overstep but also wanting to present the aura of normalcy.

Then they took a few steps and rotated to another set of cameras and Y/N understood what Harry had meant about her eyes hurting from the flashes. She turned her head to him and he found her eyes, giving her a wide smile meant just for her. Without thinking about it, her hand pressed to his suit right over his heart, the soft material of his suit jacket butter under her fingers. Then, he leaned in and pressed a kiss to her cheek, softly and sweetly and to most it wouldn’t have meant much. But to Y/N, it was the first time he had kissed her since she’d seen him. And the feeling of his lips on her skin lingered, a tingle moving through her body. Her hand gripped his back a little tighter and he just kept smiling at her, utterly entranced by her eyes.

Their bodies had betrayed them. To anyone who looked, they would have seen perfectly fine, not that they had been fighting only two hours ago. But they knew the reality, and this moment, their bodies close together and emotions running through them without being able to stop it, it made it clear that neither of them wanted to break up. They would just have to find a way to move through it.

TAGLIST

@smokeinherperfume @afire-hes @harryinsweatersandbandanas @marinalima3 @havethetimeofyourstyles @ursogoldenshan @inmygardensuit @marinalima3 @amaridon @harrys-watermelons @dontgiveupthedayjob @cronias13 @apples2019 @laula843 @afterstylesmadeit  @kait-brin @harrys-watermelons @groovybaybee @clumsywithlove93 @1142590m @erin0717 @ketchuplukehemmo​ 

Would you like to know when I update The Only Exception? Let me know here!

NEXT CHAPTER COMING JULY 11TH @ NOON CST

[jksmoongf]

Kissing Fire [pt. 12] *final*

Pairing: Jungkook x reader x girlfriend (oc) Genre: cheater!AU, angst, smut Wordcount: 16.7k Warning: smut, lies, heartbreak and more lies and maybe fluff if you squint

Summary: It always feels like there is only one person in the world to love. And then you find somebody else.

a/n: I don’t condone cheating on your s.o., so please don’t read if you have a problem with this! (also I’m not saying this is something Jungkook would actually do!) **a/n: It’s been a long time coming but it’s finally here and I really hope none of you are disappointed! As always, some feedback would be lovely! I wanna thank @struggleofarmy​ for always helping me, and encouraging me and sobbing with me through the long process of writing this chapter! Thank you D. - I love you!!! 💕💕💕 And I need to thank @jaxonah​ for her big brain and planning with me, literally, the entire fic ( y’all can thank her, bc Sammy inspired KF and without her, it would've never happened!) Thank you bby! I love you so much, you don't even understand!  💜💜💜

Warning chapter 12: crying (it’s an emotional rollercoaster or maybe just an angst-fest who knows), smut ( handjob (female/male receiving), minor tiddie play, grinding,  good ol’ vanilla sex with a surprise at the end, as always unprotected, but pls use protection ), profanities, fluff (you’ll need a magnifying glass to find it), Jk doing dumb irrational things (no spoilers on that tho) Song rec: Every Avenue - Between You and I (please listen to it, it’s beautiful and just reflects the entire fic so well. it really sets the tone for this last chapter.) 

Namjoon was hiding in his studio; hunched over, he cowered at his desk just tiredly scrolling through his favorite online clothing store. Distraction was his main priority at this point, he tried so hard to not overthink or go looking for more hateful comments that would send him into a downwards spiral. His face was hidden underneath the hood of his big comfy sweater, his eyes quickly scanned each item but ultimately deciding that he didn’t really like any of them enough to make a purchase. Whenever he stopped, his brain went into a frenzy the past few days, the exhaustion creeping up on him; he always thought he should have everything under control but the current situation proved him wrong. He felt powerless, not knowing how to handle all the negative articles that were being published in an abundance every hour. A weak knock made him flinch involuntarily, and when the door quietly opened bare feet waddling on the hardwood floor told him that he wasn’t alone anymore. “Hyung…” He knew the soft familiar voice all too well, but for reasons, he couldn’t explain goosebumps traveled down his back before he slowly spun around in his chair. The youngest was standing by the small wooden coffee table, dressed in all black as if he was mourning the death of a loved one and to a certain extent, Namjoon was sure, he was. He was mourning the loss of his relationship that had only just begun. “What’s up?” He had avoided being alone with the maknae; he didn’t quite know how to speak to him at this very moment in time. It was almost like an invisible barrier was separating them, making it awkward to even look him in the eyes. “I just wanted to talk to you…” “About what?” His heartbeat was quickening, Jungkook wasn’t a kid anymore but he still needed his older brothers, maybe now more than ever before. “You know…” He shuffled his feet, looking uncomfortable and out of place like he was about to change his mind and leave but he made his way around the table to sit down on the small couch. His eyes rested on him as he inhaled deeply to gain more time. “About everything that has been going on…I-I just want…” Without warning the younger boy bowed, averting his gaze to his knees. “I’m sorry, I really am.” “Jungkookie, don’t do that. You-“ The words got stuck in his throat, Namjoon knew how much it must have taken out of him to even come here and try to talk to him. Jungkook looked up to him, it wasn’t a secret that he had always had a big impact on the youngest member. But right now, the queasy feeling in Namjoon’s stomach made him feel like he failed not only as a role model but even worse, as a big brother. “No, I have to. I know, I disappointed you.” He wanted to object but couldn’t. As much as he blamed himself for what happened, he was disappointed in Jungkook and his reckless behavior. After all those years in the industry, he thought that all of them had a better understanding of how careful they had to be when it came to their privacy and personal lives. He wanted to chalk it up to Jungkook being young but he should’ve known better. 

“I hate to say it but you’re right.” A shaky breath left his lungs when he finally managed to speak, tearing down the wall that had kept all of his emotions and thoughts at bay. “I am disappointed in you. You know, I keep asking myself where it all went wrong…did we not teach you right from wrong? Did we, no - did I fail at teaching you that you need to be careful and that your personal life should never interfere with our job? Have you not learned anything from being in the industry for years? Why didn’t you think ahead? Why didn’t you delete those videos? Why did you even take them to begin with? Why didn’t you break up with your girlfriend before you started cheating on her? I have so many questions and I’m not even sure I want to know the answers because I’m afraid that it will hurt and cause more pain. You’re still my little brother but I’m questioning everything these days - I feel like I’ve failed you in so many ways.”

Jungkook swallowed the lump in his throat; he didn’t know how or where to start with explaining himself. Did Namjoon even want to hear what he had to say? Would he even believe him? 

The palms of his hands were clammy as he folded them together to keep them from shaking. “Hyung, you didn’t fail just because I make mistakes. Please don’t blame yourself for something that I did…” He didn’t want to cry but the tears were already prodding at the corners of his eyes. All of them were mad at him and disappointed, it wasn’t just his image that was ruined, he tarnished the group's image forever with his stupidity. The voice inside his head that had been fairly quiet was getting louder with every second that passed - his heart hurt that he didn’t think far enough ahead to know that what they had been doing was reckless and could cause so much trouble and harm but alas, he knew that you’re always smarter looking back on your previous actions. 

“I do think I am at least partially to blame. I know, I have been busy and I wasn’t always there for you when you needed me for guidance but a part of me was hoping that you would make the right decisions regardless…I don’t want to lecture you, I don’t want to act like I can tell you what to do, Jungkook but I do feel responsible for you and your actions.” He leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees as his fingers intertwined with each other, his nails pressing into the delicate skin on his knuckles. “I don’t condone that you cheated on Yina and lied to all of us for so long but I do understand that you fell out of love and fell in love with someone else. It hurts that you didn’t think you could trust any of us enough to tell us or come to us for advice. We’re a family, yes, we will tell you the truth when you fuck up but we will always be here for you, we always have each other’s backs. I really thought you would have stopped for a moment to think of the consequences it could have when you took those videos but I guess, I expected too much from you. You’re only 22 years old and you are allowed to make mistakes but I just can’t help but think that somewhere along the way I messed up when you needed me.” Namjoon blinked when he saw a few stray tears rolling down Jungkook’s puffy cheeks; he didn’t want his words to hurt him but he needed to get them off his chest and if he didn’t do it now, he would probably never get a second chance. “You really didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t even know why I did most of those things. I know, I knew better even back then.” His hand automatically slid into the pocket of his hoodie to wrap around the white gold bangle, he had been carrying around ever since she gave it back to him two nights ago. “I know, I should’ve come to you, but at first I thought I just had a silly crush on y/n and it wasn’t even worth mentioning. I thought it would fade away over time but it didn’t, it only got stronger and I was too weak to fight my feelings and when we got into this web of sneaking around and lying, I just couldn’t tell anyone. I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me because… I-I look up to you so much, what you think of me matters to me and seeing that look of disappointment on your face…I never wanted to see that…” He croaked, trying to dim the tears flowing down his face with his sleeve. “I just wanted all of you to be proud of me, especially you, hyung but I knew that once you found out about what I did, you would be ashamed so I kept it a secret.” It felt like someone was standing on his chest, making it harder to breathe with every word he spoke.

The countless times Namjoon had seen Jungkook cry before never hurt as much as it did now; he was breaking down in front of him. Tears spilling from the big brown eyes with no sign of stopping; he wanted to get up and comfort him but he couldn’t move, it was almost like he was glued to his chair; forced to endure the punishment of seeing the youngest falling apart. “Why did you take those videos and for goodness sake why didn’t you delete them right after?” “I don’t know, it was the only thing we had when we couldn’t be together. After y/n had taken the first video…it was exciting, I liked watching it back and I’m so stupid for not thinking that it could get me in trouble.” The pressure inside his head was building up rapidly as the tears just kept coming, making his vision blurry. “We were so caught up in our little bubble of lying that we thought we were safe. We had minor scares here and there but nobody ever caught us so it never crossed my mind that somebody might get a hold of those videos after we managed to keep us a secret for so many months.” 

The older one took the inside of his cheek between his teeth, index finger tapping on his lips. “When I think back to all the excuses you made to leave with her, or how many times I saw you two leaving rooms at the company, I never would’ve thought that you were capable of doing what you did…”

“I was selfish, I put myself first to get what I want. I couldn’t bear the thought of breaking Yina’s heart and I felt horrible but I hurt her in so many ways and I know she will never forgive me and now I’m paying the price for what I’ve put her through.” His quivering lips pressed together tightly as Jungkook tried to stay in control of his body that was flooding with all the things he didn’t want to feel. “Y/n broke up with me…” He finally pulled the bracelet from his pocket, closing his eyes as his fingers traced the metal, wishing he could melt it to fix the cracks in his heart. “I deserve it, I don’t get to be happy after what I did and if I could turn back time and do the right thing - I would but I can’t. I deserve all the mean comments people are making about me, and they would rip me to shreds if they knew the whole story.” “You’ll have to forgive yourself; every day you’re growing and learning more. Next time you won’t make the same mistake again.” “How am I supposed to forgive myself when everyone hates me? Especially you guys…I can see it when you look at me, how disappointed and disgusted you are. You’re trying to be nice because we’re family but I broke your trust and I don’t even know how to fix things with Tae. He won’t even look at me, it’s like I don’t exist. I feel so lost, I want to fix everything but how do I do that? How do I get all of you to trust me again? How do I get Taehyung to forgive me? How do I make all the mean things people are saying go away? How do I get y/n back? I miss her.” In order to suppress a sob, he sunk his teeth into the soft flesh of his bottom lip - replacing the painful contractions of his heart with a stinging feeling that would soon subside.   A sigh escaped Namjoon’s lips before he rubbed his face with both of his hands. “I honestly wish I had the answers to all your questions but I think you need to focus on yourself right now. Be open and honest, not only with yourself but with the other members and you’ll see they’ll learn to trust you again. As for Taehyung, he needs time and you’ll just have to wait it out until he is ready to talk to you.” “W-wouldn’t it be easier if I just left the group? I don’t want to drag you down with me more than I already have.” He chuckled at the ridiculousness of the youngest statement. “Jungkookie, no! It’s either sink or swim and right now is the time to swim to stay afloat. You’ll have to fight to make things right again but you can come back from this. Right now it seems like you won’t; like it is the end of the world but you can and you will come out of this stronger.” Jungkook looked up and for the first time in days, he locked eyes with the leader. “It’s a little too late now, I know, but what would you do if you were in my shoes, hyung?”  Namjoon took a deep breath; he wasn’t sure if Jungkook would like his answer or not but after thinking about the options, he came to the conclusion that there was only one thing that would calm down the raging fans and the rest of the public who seemed to care too much about celebrity gossip. “If I were in your shoes, I would make a public apology. Get in front of the camera and own your mistake. Promise them that you’ll do better in the future. It will be a lot easier than hiding and waiting it out until they find a new scandal to bad-mouth somebody else.” Jungkook nodded, Namjoon only had his best interest at heart but the thought of having to stand in front of the cameras and owning up to his mistake scared him to death. What if they attacked him like starving animals? What if he messed up again and he would have to flee the country so they wouldn’t be able to lapidate him?

* After buttoning up her jacket, she looked in the small mirror on the wall - shocked to see that the concealer she had put on before work, had lost its power, making her look like she was ready to star in a zombie movie in a just a matter of hours. Sleep wasn’t easy to find; her thoughts always circling in around Jungkook and how much she missed him, missed his voice and his touch. She knew, she would be feeling like this for a while, yet she didn’t know how draining it would be. Of all the boyfriends she had been with before, none of them had anchored themselves inside her heart, unlike Jungkook who seemed to have superglued himself in place and there was no way to rip him out like an unwanted parasite. But maybe she was the parasite who poisoned his life and ruined his career; maybe all those girls were right when they said that she was the one to blame - that she was standing in the way of his future as if she hadn’t done enough damage already. No matter how badly she wanted to believe that their love was real, maybe it wasn’t. He was too good for her and she began to feel like she should just go back home to get as much space between them as possible - just in case their paths would cross again and she would get another chance at ruining his life. Shaking her head to banish the bad thoughts, a small smile tugged at her lips. Ha-na had told her not to read what people were saying online but she was weak and some girls made excellent points, she wasn’t pretty enough for Jungkook and maybe she should be pushed down the stairs because nobody would miss her anyway, especially not Jungkook. “Y/n, don’t forget to take home your new blouses.” Byungchul called as he passed by the staff room, stopping in his tracks. “I won’t.” She bowed to her boss. “What are you still doing here anyway?” He cocked an eyebrow, eyeing her suspiciously. He had told her to go home a while ago but she couldn’t bring herself to leave because if she did, she would have to be alone in her head and work was the only distraction she had. “I-I…I’m leaving now.” “Good, go home and get some rest, you look tired.” “I will.” She smiled weakly as she shouldered her bag and grabbed the little bundle of neatly folded white blouses. When she stepped outside, the cold air immediately filled her lungs and clearing her head momentarily. It would take her a lot longer to walk home but it was better than being crammed into the metro with people and even worse, maybe hearing his name somewhere that would send her into a downwards spiral of hurt and guilt. Her legs felt heavy as she dragged them over the concrete, the other people around her seemed to not have a care in the world. Everyone looked so happy, especially the couple in front of her holding hands. It wasn’t that she didn’t want others to be happy but the simple fact that Jungkook and her had never got to do just that, brought tears to her eyes. It all ended too quickly - if only they could have had one more perfect day together. 

The hard sounding footsteps of someone running echoed loudly in the store lined street but when she turned around, she only saw people walking alongside her, some of them even turned their heads to make out where it was coming from. “You’re in the way.” A girl brushed past her, bumping into her arm. “I’m sorry.” She bowed her head slightly, deciding that she probably had just been in her head too much and it had just been a figment of her imagination when suddenly someone ripped the bundle from her hand and ran down the street. It took her a moment to wrap her head around what just happened before her instincts kicked in and she hurried after the person in the black jacket. “Hey! Stop!” Her voice was weak, but to her surprise, her legs moved a lot faster than she had anticipated and she never lost sight of them, even with all those strangers around who’s faces were just a blur.

The person made a right turn into a smaller street off the side and when she finally turned the corner, she stopped in her tracks. The bundle had been ripped apart and the crisp white blouses were lying on the dirty street. Dropping her bag on the floor, she scurried to pick them up, trying to prevent them from getting ruined when someone yanked her ponytail. * Ha-na was sitting on the comfy sofa in the living room, Taehyung was resting his head on her shoulder while he busied himself on his Nintendo Switch. She was glad that he tried to distract himself and finally came out of his room, at least for a few hours, although he wasn’t speaking much to anyone that wasn’t her or his best friend. Jimin was mindlessly scrolling on his phone, the hood of his sweater pulled down deep to cover most of his face while the youngest was sitting on the floor next to him staring blankly at the tv just like the rest of the members. The atmosphere felt dense, everyone was just waiting for Sejin to come back to the dorms - he had texted Namjoon earlier that they had finally gotten a lead on who had leaked the videos. Ha-na still felt bad about everything that had happened, she had only wanted for Jungkook to do the right thing and everything just got out of hand. Her eyes rested on the bracelet he was holding, his fingers clinging onto the metal so tightly that the blood flow was low and his hand was shaking ever so slightly. When Jin had jokingly tried to take it away from him earlier, Jungkook had almost started throwing a tantrum. Would things ever go back to normal again? Going against everything she had told the others, it had become part of her routine to check any social media and news outlets for articles. She hated seeing that everyone seemed to have an opinion on Jungkook and y/n and spreading false rumors and lies that made everything worse. She was glad though that neither her boyfriend nor the youngest went online to see what people were saying, it would only put more strain on their already broken friendship. For once there had been no new publications but twitter was chaotic as always when she stumbled upon a tweet from a fan that caught her attention, linking to a video. ‘The bitch got what she deserved!’ Hesitantly Ha-na clicked on it, the quality was shaky and someone was breathing heavily and running while filming the street when loud voices could be heard in the near distance. “Oh my god! No.” She covered her mouth with her hand, her eyes focused on the screen. She wanted to look away, yet she couldn’t despite being repulsed by what she saw. “What’s up?” Taehyung sat up, trying to get a glimpse of what she was watching. “Nothing…” Not managing to lock her screen in time before he had already snatched it from her hand. The pure expression of shock on his face sent shivers down her body - she didn’t want him to see it, it would hurt him so much. He mumbled something, the others’ attention now on him as his eyes grew wider by the second. “What is it?” Jimin scooted over to his best friend to see what he was looking at. “Y/n…” In the blink of an eye, everyone had gathered around them, watching how a group of girls was pulling her hair, slapping her and calling her names, while she was on the ground trying to cover her face, pleading with them to leave her alone. The video wasn’t long, and after watching it a second time, Taehyung quickly dropped the phone and got up, hurrying to the small bathroom. Carefully her eyes wandered to Jungkook, his whole body was shaking and tears were streaming down his cheeks. Ha-na wasn’t sure how he was feeling; was he hurt, angry, disappointed or sad? His face showed no emotion, simply staring into nothingness, yet she knew there was a storm brewing inside of him. Seeing faceless comments through a screen was bad but actually hearing the words ‘you ruined his career, kill yourself’ coming from someone made her feel sick to her stomach. “That was…wow…” Hoseok breathed out, before rubbing his eyes in disbelief. “We have to do something, we can’t just let this happen.” “I’m going to see if she’s okay!” Jungkook grabbed his hoodie, ready to head for the door when Jimin quickly hopped over the back of the couch to stand in his way. “You can’t do that, you’ll get in trouble. You know, y/n wouldn’t want that. I’m sure, she’s fine.” He grabbed Jungkook’s arm, stopping him from pushing past him. “How can you say that? Those girls hit her because of me! I know her better than any of you, I know she’s not okay, I can feel it.” He tried wrenching his arm from Jimin’s grasp. “Hyung, get out of the way.” It was a weak warning, his voice getting caught in his throat. “Jungkook-ah, sit down.” Namjoon finally spoke up. “We can text or call her but you’re not allowed to leave the apartment without supervision so calm down.” The youngest caved in under the stern look on their leader’s face and slumped down on the couch, burying his face in his hands. “They say, she ruined my career but do they not know how much it would hurt me when they hurt her?” The eldest gently wrapped his arm around his shoulder. “I don’t think they were thinking that far ahead, they wanted to protect you-” Jungkook scoffed. “Protect me? From what exactly? From the girl I love?” “Or protect your career? You worked so hard and they didn’t want it to be in vain?” “But that doesn’t justify their actions, they could’ve seriously hurt her.” Yoongi murmured while nibbling on his thumb. “They covered their faces like cowards.” Jungkook’s brows furrowed as Taehyung’s voice came from the bathroom. “We have to tell someone who can do something.” 

“Already sent the link to the managers.” Namjoon reassured the youngest members. “And I texted her, she says she’s okay and at home and doesn’t want you to worry, Kook.” Ha-na tried to cheer him up with a weak smile but he didn’t reciprocate it, he just gently pressed the white gold bangle to his lips. “She’s lying so I don’t worry about her…” With a drawn-out sigh, he let his head fall back; the pressure in his chest was almost too much for him to bear. He wanted to do something, he wanted all of this to stop so they could go back to being together. There had to be a way and he was determined to find it. * “I’m very sorry, I won’t disappoint you again.” Jungkook finished, looking up at Jimin in the mirror. “How was that?” “It was good. You’ll do just fine.” A forced smile spread on his face, trying to encourage the youngest while he was practicing his apology that was scheduled for this afternoon. “You think? I mean, management approved it but does it sound… sincere? I don’t want to sound like I rehearsed it.” The older boy nodded. “Jungkookie, don’t worry so much! It will be okay.” “Okay, I trust you. You’re right! I can do this.” He looked down on his script. Jimin carefully eyed him, he still looked miserable but maybe this would encourage people to finally back off and drop the story. Taking a deep breath, he plugged the power cord into the wall socket next to the table. “Are you sure, you still want me to do this? You know, you really don’t have to!” “Yes, just do it. Get it over with.”

With shaking hands Jimin picked up the small black machine, turning it on with his thumb. “Where do you want me to start? On the side, so you can hide it in case you change your mind?” “Do whatever you want, I’m not going to look until you’re done.” Jungkook closed his eyes, silently mouthing the words of the script that was resting on his knees. The buzzing noise seemed to amplify in Jimin’s ears; he had promised to support Jungkook and to help him but now that he was actually going through with it, his mind fogged up with doubts. This was a stupid idea, nobody had asked for this gesture from him but he wanted to do it anyway - he wanted the fans to know that he was sorry for his actions. So now they were hiding in the youngest bedroom, just two hours before he was supposed to stand outside the company building and deliver a heartfelt apology to the public. An apology that Jimin thought was uncalled for; neither Jungkook nor y/n had leaked those videos on purpose, they weren’t to blame but the public’s opinion was different - they demanded a statement, an apology for causing such an uproar and breaking people’s trust. But as much as he hated how everything went down, Jimin still wanted his baby brother to be happy; he deserved to be happy and perhaps this was this only way of getting a tiny piece of happiness back. His eyes looked so - lifeless, that he almost couldn’t bear to see Jungkook like this any longer. His eyes scanned the blades moving at a rapid pace when he slowly raised his arm and held it to Jungkook’s hairline. “Are you still sure you want me to do this?” He asked again, making sure Jungkook really wanted this. “Hyung, yes!” He said firmly, as Jimin carefully cut off the first lock of raven hair, watching as it fell to the floor, followed by many more. It pained him to cut Jungkook’s hair short, only a few millimeters of it still covering his scalp. “I’m all done.” He announced, turning off the razor and putting it back down. “You can look now.” Nervously, he watched Jungkook’s eyes flutter open, fixating on his reflection in the mirror. His expression was blank as he ran his hand through what was left of his hair. Jimin wasn’t sure but he could’ve sworn for a millisecond he saw tears glistening in his eyes. “It’s not too bad, right?” “Yeah, it really brings out your eyes and it will grow back in no time, you’ll see.” He patted Jungkook’s shoulders, letting his fingers dig into his shirt for a brief moment. “And there’s always wigs or hats if you hate it later.” The younger boy chuckled. “I should get cleaned up.” “I’ll help you pick out an outfit if you want.” Jimin offered as Jungkook headed for the bathroom. “Thank you.” Jimin sat on the edge of the bed, letting his eyes wander around the room - not much had changed, apart from the box by the closet door that had y/n’s things in them that Jungkook couldn’t get rid off; a few clothes, a bottle of perfume and a few letters tied together with a ribbon.  Only now he had noticed that over the past months, he had not really been in here spending time with his little brother like they used to, playing video games or watching movies on his projector but knowing what had happened in here - it left a feeling of uncertainty floating in his stomach. Of course, he knew now that Jungkook had been hiding y/n in here a lot, trying to keep the secret well hidden from the other members. But Jimin couldn’t help but think that he had started to slip through their fingers a long time ago. Back in the day, they would’ve known immediately if something was wrong but ever since Jungkook had gotten older, he had developed a tendency to lock himself in his room whenever he could and if there was no schedule then he wouldn’t leave it for days. Jimin made a pact with himself - when all of this was over, he was going to make sure Jungkook was okay, that he would force him to come out of his room and go outside with him; it just didn’t feel right to leave him be, he needed to know that they all still wanted to spend time with him and that they would always be by his side, no matter what. * Jungkook was nervously hopping from one foot to the other as he was standing behind a screen waiting his turn while someone from the PR team was outside the company building, dealing with the press. He was used to all the flashing lights of the cameras and microphones being shoved in his face but this felt different - he was alone, his brothers weren’t by his side for moral support. His fingers wrapped around the bangle in the pocket of his blazer; for some reason, it comforted him. Although she had given it back to him, it was the only thing that kept the tiny spark of hope ignited in his chest. “We have found out that our artist’s private account was hacked by a third party, we are taking legal action against the hacker who invaded his privacy and we ask you to respect everybody’s privacy regarding the issue.” Jungkook’s ears picked up a few things here and there but his mind was preoccupied with the task at hand as his stomach churned. He wanted to throw up and run away; far, far away from all the people eagerly awaiting his apology but his legs felt like jello. [Jimin - 1:42pm] You’ll be okay! Just take deep breaths, it will be over before you know it! A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth when he read his brother’s message. Sometimes he really needed the encouragement from them; without them, he was lost. Sejin stuffed his own phone back into his pocket and nodded his head. “Are you ready?” “As ready as I’ll ever be…” He mumbled, as two of the other managers and a few security guards surrounded him. “Just stick to the script and you’ll do just fine. You don’t have to answer any questions. Just apologize and we’ll head back home right after.” Sejin gently rested his hand on Jungkook’s back. “I’ll be by your side the whole time.” Jungkook sunk his teeth into his lip balm coated bottom lip, as his legs involuntarily started moving with people around him. The glass door opened and the sea of flashes drowned out the sheer amount of people in the street. His heart was pounding against his ribs, as he walked up to the microphone stand. As the whispers died down, he could feel his throat closing up and his mouth felt as dry as the Sahara Desert. Eyes wandering over the blurry faces, his breathing became labored. He couldn’t do it, he just couldn’t get a word out. Maybe he should have had a sip of alcohol to calm his nerves but it was too late. In a knee-jerk reaction to buy more time, he pulled his cap off, revealing his buzzed off hair and bowing down as deep as he could as gasps echoed in his ears, mixed with girls calling his name. “Jungkook..” His manager’s voice was very close to him. “Say something…” In slow-motion he lifted his upper body, carefully scanning the crowd when his eyes found her face - he knew she wasn’t there and that his mind was playing tricks on him but it was the small push he needed to find his voice. He was doing this for her, he wanted people to just leave her alone. She didn’t deserve any of this, she didn’t deserve to be attacked online and especially not getting beat up by fans in an alley at night. The stinging pain in his chest subsided when he finally cleared his throat and found his voice again. “Thank you for taking the time out of your day to be here.” He paused, bowing his head again, trying to remember his lines but the memory of them got blurry, they were escaping him too quickly as he tried to hold onto them. “I-I just want to say, I’m very sorry for my actions. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I let down so many people with my reckless and shameful behavior.” His shaking fingers gripped on to the wooden stand of the mic for some support; Sejin’s hand calmly rested on his shoulder while the pressure it was executing felt like a ton of bricks was coming down on him as if Jungkook was about to run away and needed a reminder to stay still. “I’m so sorry to everyone and especially the fans who had to see me like this. I know, I broke your trust and disappointed all of you. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me in the future and I promise to never let you down again. Army, you’re always on my mind and it really hurts me to have hurt so many of you with what I have done. Please forgive me.” After delivering his lines, he exhaled shakily; his face felt like it was on fire. “I won’t disappoint you again, I’m sorry.” The crowd was silently watching him, eagerly waiting for him to say something else as his mouth opened and closed without making a sound. “Let’s go, PR will do the rest.” His manager muttered, his hand scooting to Jungkook’s elbow to get him to turn around and go back inside. “One more thing…” Jungkook took a step forward again. “Please, leave her alone. We’re not seeing each other anymore. I-I… all I ask of you is to just leave her alone, please. She’s not in my life anymore…” He trailed off, his lips felt tense as he tried to hold it together. “I’m sorry.” He mumbled more to himself, slowly sinking to his knees on the pavement to bow one last time. The clicking of the cameras was overwhelming his senses, it almost felt like he wasn’t really inside his body anymore when he felt hands holding onto his arms and pulling him to his feet. Not needing much force, he wrenched his right arm free, hiding his tear-stained face in the crook of his elbow. “Come on…” Sejin’s voice was close to his ear as he let him guide him back inside, unsure of whether he did good or not but as soon as doors closed, the babel of alarmed voiced told him that he had gone too far. “What were you thinking going off script? Do you know how bad this could’ve been! We told you to stick to the script. Oh god…” The head of the PR team gestured wildly in front of his face. “I don’t know if we can fix this…Jungkook why do you always have to cause so much trouble?” She puffed up her cheeks before letting out a disappointed grunt. “I’m sorry.” He fixated his eyes on the ground. “It’s just…some fans attacked y/n and I-I just wanted to protect her. I wanted the fans to leave her alone. They should take their anger out on me and not on her.” He felt the tears pricking at the corners of his eyes again, immediately trying to dry them with a tissue. “He didn’t say anything bad. He just asked them to leave her alone, it’s not a big deal.” Sejin interrupted before Hyejin could scold him some more. “I’ll take him home now.” Gently he nudged the raven-haired boy towards the elevator that would take them to the car. “Do you think I did the wrong thing?” Jungkook mumbled as he sunk deeper into the passenger seat, avoiding his manager’s gaze at all costs. “I mean it’s not ideal but it’s okay. I understand why you did it…” He trailed off, averting his attention to the road until they stopped at a red light. “I saw what they did to her, so I understand that you want to do something to protect her. If you want, I’ll request security for her until it all blows over.” Jungkook shook his head, still not used to not feeling his bangs brush against his forehead whenever he moved or touched his head. “I don’t think she would like that but I’ll have Ha-na ask her.” * Jungkook was sitting cross-legged on his bed, his back resting against the headboard, emptily staring at his laptop where he had put on a let’s play to keep his brain and body from going stir-crazy. “Jungkookie?” Hoseok opened the door, sticking his head inside his room. “I thought, maybe you wanted something to eat? You haven’t had anything all day.” The older one came in, closing the door behind him before proceeding to sit on the foot of the bed. Carefully he placed the plate on the mattress between them, pulling a can of coke from the pocket of his hoodie. “Did you make that?” Jungkook eyed the sandwich from all angles, lifting the plate up to eye level. “Jin hyung helped me, he said I was stacking the ingredients in the wrong order.” The older one rolled his eyes before a smile spread on his face. “But I think there’s no wrong order, it’ll taste the same no matter what.” He winked, opening the can, and placing it on the nightstand. Jungkook chuckled. “You’re right.” He wasn’t particularly hungry but since his brother had been so kind as to make him something to eat, he eagerly took a bite. “Delicious.” He pressed out while chewing the bread. “Good, I’m glad you like it.” Hoseok reached out to pat his head but Jungkook pulled away immediately - he felt self-conscious, even more so after getting scolded by his hyungs for cutting his hair short. Not wanting to admit that he had lost some of his confidence with each strand that had been cut off - but maybe that was what he deserved, after putting everyone around him through so much. For a while they just sat on his bed, Hoseok watching him devour the food and sipping on the sugary beverage - neither of them saying a word but the silence didn’t feel as uncomfortable as it did just days ago, at least to the older one it didn’t. “Jungkookie, listen…” With wide eyes, he stared at Hobi when he finally spoke. “I didn’t just come here to bring you food, I actually wanted to say something.” “Okay?” Anxiety was making his chest feel tight; instantly regretting eating the sandwich as he was about to throw it back up. He didn’t need to get scolded again, he didn’t want to hear yet again what a terrible person he was and that he couldn’t do anything right these days. “I just wanted to, you know, tell you that we’re okay.” Almost choking on his own saliva, Jungkook cleared his throat. “We’re okay?” He repeated dumbfounded. “Yes, we are. I know, I wasn’t really supportive and judgmental at first but I just didn’t know what to think or how to handle the situation. I hope you understand where I’m coming from… I had to sort through my thoughts and came to the conclusion that I was just worried about you and our career. You are like family to me, JK; I want what’s best for you and I know, you’re probably mad at me too but I’m here for you now.”  “I was never mad at you.” He mumbled, averting his gaze to white bedding between them. “I know I disappointed all of you. I never wanted you to find out what I did, especially not like this.” “I know that but let’s just put in the past, okay?” Hoseok carefully placed his hand on Jungkook’s knee. “You’re going through so much right now and I just want to be here for you and help you. It really hurts to see you so sad all the time.” A weak smile tugged at his lips. “I’m going to be okay, you don’t have to worry.” “I worry about you all the time, we all do. So please, Jungkookie, if you need to talk to someone, we’re all here for you, you know that right?” “Hyung, I know that.” 

* Jimin knocked on the door, a short knock followed by two quick ones - their not so secret sign that it was either one of them before he entered the youngest room, who was busy pulling out clothes from his closet and throwing them on the floor. 

“Is that what you wanted help with? Sorting out your clothes?” Jimin mused, trying to find a free piece of flooring for him to step closer to Jungkook. “Hyung, no…I-” He gasped, practically ripping a hoodie from a hanger. “I have a plan, and I need your help.” “A plan? A plan that involves donating clothes to charity?” “No…” Jungkook held two identical-looking black hoodies up. “I’m going to see y/n.” “WHAT?” Jimin’s eyes grew wide, the sheer panic was straining his voice. “You’re not allowed to do that, you will get into trouble.” “I know but I don’t care. I just want to see her and I’m not going to wait any longer.” “And how do you plan on doing that, huh? We still have security around and last time I checked, the press is still waiting outside.” “That’s where you’ll come in…” There was a dangerous twinkle in Jungkook’s eyes that could only mean trouble but Jimin was more than intrigued and willing to help. “Do you want me to call you a taxi? Because I have my phone right here.” “No, you’ll help me sneak past security and the press, I’ll take care of the rest.” “I will need more details…” “Go get your black sweat pants and Vans, I’ll explain it to you when you get back here.” Jimin was confused, but he blindly followed the instructions as he quickly walked back to his room. For once happy that Hoseok was so adamant about his skincare routine that he had the room to himself for a bit. “What are you doing? I saw you sneaking into Jk’s room.” A deep voice made him spin around on his heels. Taehyung was walking towards him, his arms crossed in front of his chest. “I’m just helping him with something.” “With what?” “I can’t tell you.” Immediately he regretted saying those words to his best friend, who looked so hurt that his lips pursed trying to hide his dismay. “Okay, fine, I’ll tell you but you have to promise me that you won’t tell a soul what we’re doing.” “Promise.” He held up his pinky, so Jimin could wrap his own around it. “Stamp it.” They said in unison when they twisted their hands so the pads of their thumbs could meet. “We’re trying to sneak Jk out of here so he can go check on y/n.” “What?” Taehyung whisper yelled.  “Yeah, please don’t tell anyone.” “I won’t.” Taehyung locked eyes with him. “I will help you.” “What?” Jimin was confused, Taehyung was still mad at them, why was he now offering to help Jungkook? “Yes, I want to know if she’s okay too…” He muttered, his cheeks turning pink. “Ever since I saw what happened to her, I’ve been worried sick. I know she loves Jungkook and she probably wants to see him too…so I’m going to help him.” An overwhelming feeling spread in Jimin’s chest, although Taehyung was so deeply hurt by what they had done, he still loved them; putting aside his own hurt to help his friends. Jimin felt his eyes tearing up, quickly wiping them with his sleeve. “I’m sure, Jungkookie will appreciate your help, Taetae.” He ruffled the younger one's hair. “You’ll need black sweats and a matching hoodie, so go grab them.” Tae nodded, hurrying back to his room to grab his clothes. A small part of Jimin was unsure whether Jungkook would approve of this but for the time being, he was just glad that Taehyung was coming around; it was the first step to mending the broken friendships. They stood in front of the mirror, the three of them wearing matching black outfits, a black mask to cover half their faces and the hoods pulled deep down their foreheads. “I think this will work, it’s dark outside if we move fast, they won’t notice a difference.” Taehyung muttered, adjusting his mask once again. “Jungkook-ah, don’t do anything stupid. If it’s too risky, we will find another way, okay?” “Sure, yeah.” He lied, not an ounce of his body was going to give up on seeing her tonight. Every nerve inside of him was missing her, he couldn’t wait - each minute that passed felt like torture. He was losing her, she was getting further and further away from him and there was nothing he could do - it was like he was trying to catch smoke with his bare hands. “Then let’s go.” Jimin clapped his hands together and they quietly walked out into the hallway, trying not to make a sound. Jimin knew that this idea was stupid beyond belief and he didn’t quite understand why he was participating in it but helping Jungkook was more important, they could deal with the repercussions later, together.  “Where do you think you’re going?” Jin’s voice made the three boys flinch when he turned on the light. “Why are you dressed like that?” “We…uhm…” Jimin tried to come up with a white lie but his brain was slowing down.  “I’m going to see y/n!” Jungkook said bluntly. “And they’re helping me.” 

Jimin quickly rammed his elbow into the youngest ribs to shut him up but it was too late. They would now have to go back to their rooms without even the slightest chance of leaving the building. “I’m appalled.” The eldest clicked his tongue. “There’s no way for you to get past security, especially for you Jungkook.” “We’ll find a way. We have to.” He stuttered, not having an idea of how to even leave the apartment without having to face the guard outside. “You should’ve just come to me earlier.” “What?” “I’ll help you. Wait by the door, you’ll know when the time is right.” Jin winked at them, before grabbing his car keys from the sideboard and leaving the apartment. Taehyung quickly grabbed the door-handle, making sure it didn’t close and they could listen to what was going on. “I just need to grab something from my car, I’ll be right back.” “Alright, sir.” The stern security guard said, not moving an inch from his chair. “How is that supposed to help us get out?” Jungkook rolled his eyes, he was getting antsy waiting for something to happen. The others shrugged, pressing their ears to the door, focusing on any sign from the oldest member. Only a few minutes later, Jin’s panicked voice suddenly echoed through the hallway. “You need to go down to the parking garage. I saw some people down there sneaking around.” “What?” “Yes, I think they’re trying to get access to the building.” A lot of rustling was making it difficult for them to understand what was going on but soon Jin pulled the door open. “Go.” He whispered. “They should be distracted for a while.” “Thank you.” Jungkook mouthed, as he hurried towards the stairs, following the older boys as they sprinted down to the exit. For once, luck was on their side and they soon stood underneath the trees, hiding in complete darkness. “How are we going to do this now?” Taehyung was trying to catch his breath, his hand pressing into his side where he felt a sting. His heart was racing and his breathing was labored, the adrenaline rush was making him feel lightheaded. Jungkook exhaled. “You go out first, make sure they see you. You’ll have to move quickly and then Jimin will do the same and if the timing’s right, I’ll go.” “Do you think that will work?” Jimin questioned, still not convinced that the plan was well thought out. “I don’t know, we will see, I guess.” They quickly moved to the exit, where the press was still gathered at this hour. Quietly they hid behind a wall, giving them the perfect view of their playing field. Jungkook watched how Taehyung pulled the hood deep down his face, speed walking on the right side to sneak away behind the spectators but they easily spotted him, almost attacking him with microphones and cameras. “Jimin-ah, go.” He nodded, making sure the mask was covering his mouth before he ran out on the left side, making the paparazzi almost break their necks. “That’s him! That’s him!” A woman screeched and they collectively hurried after Jimin, who was running like the devil himself was chasing him down the street. Taehyung was leaning against the wall, waving his hand by his side of his body and that was all Jungkook needed to sprint past him as fast as he could. There was no time to thank his brothers, he would do that later, now he had to focus on running and getting enough distance between him and all those people. He didn’t care that the cold air was making his eyes water, he didn’t care that his legs were starting to feel weak; he had to keep going; repeating her name over and over in his head. A loud banging on the door made her sit up straight in her bed, her body involuntarily started shaking right away. Did they find out where she lived? Did they follow her home? She wasn’t quite sure if she really heard someone calling her name, or if she was imagining it as she slowly got up and quietly walked towards the door. “Y/n open the door, please.” She recognized his voice instantly, her fingers wrapping tightly around the handle before pressing it down; she had no strength left in her to fight the need to see his face. “Kookie, what are you…” Without a word, he stepped inside closing the door with his foot before wrapping his arms around her to hide his face in the crook of her neck. Hesitantly her nails dug into his hoodie, bunching up the fabric in her fists. He didn’t say anything, she just felt his tears on her skin burning like acid rain. When her grip loosened, he pulled away from her but keeping his gaze low. “We should go to my room.” “Okay.” He followed her with his heart hammering in his chest; he had noticed her hesitation and it made it harder for him to breathe. What if coming here was not a good idea?  Reluctantly they stood facing each other but her brows furrowed and her hand went up to his head, pulling the hood down - eyes widening when she saw it. Jungkook felt queasy, he didn’t want her to see his hair this short. “I-I…noona…” “I like it, you look manlier.” Biting down on her bottom lip, she forced her lips into a smile to suppress the tears that were about to spill from her eyes. Gently, she ran her hand over his head, making him lean into her touch. “I really do like it, you look handsome.” Jungkook let out a staggered breath; what she thought mattered most to him and if she liked it then he would be able to like it too, eventually, maybe. Only now he noticed the bruises on her cheeks, the little cuts on her forehead. “I’m sorry they did that to you.” He swallowed an invisible lump, his fingers gently reaching out to touch her cheek but she moved her head away from him. “It’s okay, I’m fine.” “Are you really?” She nodded but it wasn’t convincing enough, he pulled her in close, ever so lightly he cupped her face to press the lightest of kisses to her cheeks and forehead. Eyes swimming in tears, she looked up at him. “You still love me…?” Jungkook felt tears running down his cheeks. “Yes, I still love you.” He didn’t know why but he leaned in for a kiss - he just wanted to be with her and not think of anything that happened over the past couple of days. The moment their lips touched he felt a hiccup in his heartbeat like when he missed a step. Everything just felt for so right again like they belonged together and he was sure she must have been sensing it too. Deepening the kiss, his tongue was practically begging for access when out of the blue she pushed him away. “What’s wrong?” He asked, not able to wrap his head around what just happened. “Go! You need to leave. This isn’t good, okay?” “Wait! Why? I don’t want to leave, I want to be with you!” “Jungkook you have to go!” He didn’t understand; mere seconds ago she was kissing him back and now she was telling him to leave, but he didn’t want to, not yet at least. His eyes were focusing in on the bracelet that she was still wearing, and so did he. She never took it off, not even after she broke up with him, just like he promised her on that day at the beach… To Jungkook’s own surprise, lies were rolling off his tongue so easily these days - without batting an eye, he had told his hyungs that he was taking Yina out for the day. When in reality, it was y/n’s day off and he wanted to spend it with her, far away from people they knew to lower the risk of getting caught. In the early hours of the morning, he had picked her up to take her to Naksan beach which was four hours away from Seoul, on the opposite coastline. Contrary to road trips with Yina, who enjoyed just watching the scenery, the drive with y/n was different - they would sing together, she’d feed him snacks she packed and when they got quiet, she played with his hair while watching the sunrise. In Jungkook’s opinion, the drive itself was perfect - even if they would never arrive at their destination, he was truly happy that day. After exploring Yangyang and eating a ridiculously big lunch, they finally went to the beach, walking along the pier to the little red lighthouse to take some pictures. He recalled being here for a photo shoot not too long ago but back then they didn’t have time to wander around and enjoy the beautiful view of the ocean. The weather was dreary, clouds in all shades of gray forming a big cluster on the sky, making them the only two people who dared to visit the beach that day. “Can you put him in your pocket?” She held out the little plush bunny in swimming shorts that he had bought for her at a small souvenir shop in town. “I don’t want to get him wet.” “Of course.” He neatly tucked the bunny in the pocket of his jacket, making sure the button was secured, not wanting to risk losing it. She smiled up at him while rolling up her jeans and stuffing her socks into her sneakers before she ran towards the shoreline to dip her feet into crystal clear water. “It’s so cold.” She squealed, jumping from one foot to the other. “Come on, hurry up!” “I’m coming.” He called, slowly slipping off his own shoes but watching her run away from the waves that crashed on the sand was a lot more fun than doing it himself. The sand felt soft underneath his feet when he made his way over, making sure his eyes never left her. It dawned on him that he had never noticed, until now, how cute she actually was. Of course, he knew how beautiful she was but her little squeals whenever a wave caught up to her made his heart melt - he really was the luckiest guy on earth to have found his soulmate without even having to look for her. It was almost like he had never properly understood what real love felt like until he looked in her eyes; the thought often crossed his mind but a part of him thought it was ridiculous to even think that way. His heart, on the other hand, was sure that she was the girl he’d be spending the rest of his life with. “What are you doing?” Her voice caught him off guard, he hadn’t noticed that he was standing still, just looking at her. “I-I was just thinking…” He trailed off, ears turning a deep shade of pink underneath his cap while she was walking towards him, her hand stretched out for him to hold. “Kookie, don’t think about what happens when we get back to Seoul, please. I want to have a nice day, okay?” He nodded, lacing their fingers together - if only she knew what had been on his mind. She lifted their hands up to press a chaste kiss on the back of his hand before she started running, pulling him along with her. The water was cold but it felt unbelievably good, he couldn’t remember the last time he went to a beach just to have some fun and not for something work-related. For a while, they played catch with the waves and splashed each other with water until he felt exhaustion spreading to his limbs.  He sat down in the sand; just far enough so the water couldn’t reach him. Closing his eyes, he inhaled deeply, letting the fresh salty air fill his lungs and the gusts of wind caressed his skin and at that moment he felt complete, the missing puzzle pieces were all in place like nothing could go wrong. He felt her presence, his eyes fluttering open as she was about to sit down next to him but he quickly pulled her in between his legs so she could lean against his chest. Tightly he wrapped his arms around her, resting his chin on top of her head. Neither of them said a word, just watching a few stray clouds letting hints of the hidden blue sky peek through the cracks; the calming sound of the waves crashing on the shore seemed to drown out the whole world around them. Her fingers gently played with his as she shifted a little to rest her head against his shoulder. “I wish every day could be like this.” She mumbled softly, making his heart ache. He wanted to give her everything she wanted, he really did and he would go to the end of the world for her if that meant she was happy. Jungkook leaned down, gingerly pressing his lips on top of her head. “Then I’ll take you to the beach every day and every day can be like this.” And although they both knew that it was just a fantasy and would never be possible, he heard the smile in her voice when she whispered “Okay.” Suddenly she untangled his arms from around her torso and kneeled down in front of him, still between his legs. “I wanted to give you something…” Her hand slid into the pocket of her jacket. “Close your eyes.” He did as he was told, her shaking fingers wrapped around his wrist. “Hold still.” He could hear she was concentrating when something cold touched his skin and he fought the urge to flinch. “Okay, you can open your eyes.” Looking down on his wrist, there was a black leather bracelet with a silver plate. “I- y/n, you didn’t have to..” “Yes I had to, you did all this for today.” She paused, pulling up her sleeve to reveal the same bracelet on her wrist but the delicate metal plate was rose-gold. “Thank you for making our 100th day anniversary so special.” She leaned in, her lips brushing against his and his heart stopped. He didn’t know, he had absolutely no idea it was their anniversary. Maybe because they were keeping their relationship a secret and they never had a real official first date, or maybe it was because she had mentioned that those things didn’t really matter to her anyway that he had paid no attention as to how many days they had been together. He felt like a jerk but he knew that if he told her the truth it would break her heart and that was the last thing he wanted. “I’m never taking it off, thank you.” He pulled her in closer, crashing his lips on hers; hoping that she could feel how much he loved her. “Can you at least look me in the eyes and tell me you want me to leave?” His voice was fragile; he was scared that she would do it and he could already feel the cracks in his heart getting bigger with every breath he took without her giving him an answer. “If you can’t say it when looking at me…” “Then what? You’re not going to leave?” He shook his head, ready to stand his ground; he wasn’t going to leave now, not after what he had been through to get here. “No, I won’t because I don’t really think you want me to…” Throwing her hands up in frustration, she let out a sigh. “What part of us being together is bad, don’t you understand?” “I don’t understand because you and I is the only good thing that has come from all of this.” “But there is no you and me anymore! I ruined everything.” “What do you mean you ruined everything?” “I ruined your friendships, as well as my own and your career. I shouldn’t be around you and that’s why there is no you and me anymore. Got it?” His mouth opened and closed without making a sound; did she really think she was the only one responsible for what happened - that she was the only one hurting all the time? “So can you please just leave?” She mumbled, looking down at her feet but he couldn’t get his own to move. “No, noona... I don’t want you to think that you ruined everything. You didn’t, you made everything better for me.” Carefully he moved in a little bit closer, wanting to wrap his arms around her and just hold her until she understood that he was all in and wouldn’t go anywhere, even if she didn’t want him to stay. She let out a sigh. “You say that now because you don’t want to see that I fucked everything up.” Slowly she sat down on her bed, fiddling with the hem of her pajama top to keep her busy from doing something she’d regret. “You really didn’t, I promise.” Sitting down next to her, he got a good look at the bruises on her legs; he wasn’t the only one who had been through hell and back these past days. He was desperately looking for something he could say - something that would make her change her mind and just take him back. It didn’t matter that to him that he would’ve lied to everyone again, he needed to be with her and if that meant the end of his career then so be it; he was willing to give up his dreams for her but he knew that if he voiced his thoughts, she would never let that happen. After a while, he cleared his throat that was threatening to close up. “So…do you really want me to leave?” His tongue had trouble forming the words; he had imagined that him showing up at her place would go differently. He had been sure that she would’ve been happy to finally see him again but he had never been so wrong in his life. She adjusted her position to face him; Jungkook was preparing himself to go home and hide in bed when her arms wrapped around his neck and her lips hungrily pressed on his. He was in shock; he didn’t see it coming so all he could do for a moment was stare at her face before his eyes fluttered shut and kissed her back. Licking into his mouth, her hands started pulling at his hoodie, wanting to remove the unwanted item of clothing. Firmly his hands wrapped around her wrists as he broke away from her. “Noona, what does this-“ 

Her index finger pressed to his open mouth while she placed soft kisses to his jawline. “Ssshhh just be with me now…” Jungkook nodded, despite being confused. His mind was racing but he still couldn’t bring himself to say no to her, although he had so many questions that were still unanswered. Deliberately she pulled the hoodie over his head before reconnecting their lips in a somewhat innocent kiss. Almost immediately he felt her fumbling with the drawstrings of his sweat pants, rushing to get rid of everything that separated them. “Noona…” He attempted to mumble into the kiss, this time she pulled away. “Kookie, please.” Her whiny voice was the last push he needed to gently push her down into the pillows on the bed. Kissing her again, his trembling fingers started unbuttoning her top; his nerves were getting the upper hand like they did the first time they slept together. Their tongues were shyly playing a game of catch as her nails gently scratched over his bare shoulders; he could still taste the all too familiar traces of her vanilla lip balm, maybe not everything had changed. Blindly his hand cupped her breast, rolling the bud between his index finger and thumb, instantly evoking a soft whimper from her as her hips bucked up, colliding with his.  Leaving a trail of butterfly kisses down her neck to the rosy mounds of flesh, sucking the hardening bud into his mouth. Jungkook groaned when a delicious moan reached his ears, making his member twitch excitedly in its soft fabric prison. Gingerly he let his hand followed the curve of her body when he licked his way back up to her mouth.  “Please touch me…” A whisper that held so much power over him.  Her skin was covered in goosebumps as he reached the waistband of her panties, letting his fingertips slip inside. “You’re so wet already, baby.” Jungkook mumbled against her neck as she held on tightly to his shoulder while his middle finger ventured down her core; gasping when it dipped inside just a bit to gather some of her juices. Lips glued to her neck, he let his fingertips trace her lips, wanting to remember how every inch of her body felt - he needed to engrave it into his memory just in case this was the last time he would get to touch her. “Baby…” She whined when he finally circled in around her clit, avoiding the spot that would soon make her squirm. Peppering soft kisses up to her ear, where he gently nibbled on her lobe. “I missed you so much, you don’t even know…” Jungkook’s voice was low and raspy when he spoke, eliciting a small cry from her when his fingers applied more pressure around the sensitive nub. “I missed kissing you…” Her nails dug deeper into his skin as she tried to keep quiet, only betrayed by her own hips who tried so desperately to get more friction than Jungkook was supplying. He exhaled, stopping the motion of his fingers, nervous anticipation filling the gap between them. “I missed touching you…” Arching her back off the mattress when he finally grazed the spot he’d been avoiding deliberately, her legs squirming against his at the newfound waves of pleasure coming down on her. “Stay still, baby.” He softly chuckled, managing to trap at least one of her legs underneath his right. Fondly he smiled down on her as he watched her blossom under his ministrations, pressing her arm to her mouth to muffle the repeated moans of his name. Until now Jungkook had never realized how amazing it was to watch her fall apart; he did enjoy using his tongue but being able to see how her face flushed and her lashes fluttered from the little circles his fingers were drawing was out of this world - making him fall in love with her all over again. 

“P-please stop.” She tried to wiggle away from him a little; normally he would keep going, knowing that she was getting close but he paused, giving her enough time to slip her hand down his sweats and wrap it around his length. “Noona…ahh.” His voice hitched and his head fell back when she slowly started rubbing her thumb over the tip, coating it with the beads of precum that just kept spilling. Her touch was very light but he was so desperate to feel her that his body reacted erratically, bucking his hips into her hand; never wanting her to stop. Trailing sweet kisses up his neck until she reached his lips, she delicately sucked on his bottom lip, making it throb in her mouth; her hand moving up and down his dick painfully slow, feeling him getting harder by the second. Jungkook whimpered, almost melting in his briefs. He was getting ready to distract himself from his own pleasure by touching her again when she broke the kiss. “Kookie…” There was no moaning, no outcry to get him to touch her and his heart sank for a second, fearing that they had gone too far. “Love me…” She whispered softly, looking up at him, her other hand cupping his cheek. He closed his eyes, leaning into her touch, relishing the warm feeling spreading in his chest before shifting his body weight to his knees, he placed a kiss to her lips, fully prepared to show her how much he loved her. Kneeling down between her legs, he gently lifted them to roll her panties up to discard them on the floor next to the bed, before spreading them again. “I’m so lucky, you’re so handsome.” She smiled lovingly, wanting to reach up to touch his face but he wouldn’t let her, making her pout in return. A little too eagerly, Jungkook pushed down his sweats and briefs - his heart hiccuping in anticipation of being one with her again. Holding and kissing her was amazing but sleeping with her always felt different to him; it was some form of a deeper connection he couldn’t even begin to explain. Lying down on top of her, supporting most of his weight on his arms next to her shoulders, he started peppering small kisses all over her cheeks to her lips, letting his tongue disappear in her mouth to taste her again. Slowly grinding against her core, just to make sure she was still wet enough for him when she whimpered into the kiss; the engorged tip of his member applying enough pressure to her clit to send her flying again.  Shoving his one hand between their bodies to line himself up, before he pushed the tip inside, the feeling of bliss washing over him as he felt the velveteen walls hugging his dick. “Is that okay?” He asked, brushing her hair from her face. “More than okay.” She smiled, puckering up her lips for yet another kiss.  Jungkook was moving slowly, taking his sweet time, enjoying every little noise he was eliciting from her with each stroke. Her nails were digging into his shoulder blades, clinging onto him for dear life, as if it was just a dream and he would disappear the moment she woke up. Their lips were glued together, only ever breaking apart to up their oxygen intake before diving back in for more. He adjusted his position, pushing her legs up to his sides so she could rest her calves on his lower back - his body was ready to chase his down his high but he had to shift his focus on hers first. When he bottomed out after a hard thrust, she pulled away, letting her head fall back. “Oh god, right there.” A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth; he loved that she always let him know when he was hitting the right spot. “’s that good, baby?” He asked, hips slamming into her much harder than before but she couldn’t answer him, too busy trying to muffle her moans against his skin. He wanted her to let herself fall and just bathe in the waves of pleasure washing over her body but he could tell she was holding back a little. Jungkook sucked on his fingers, letting his hand venture down to the swollen bundle of nerves to rub it again. Gasping for air, she locked eyes with him as she let out whiny moans of his name. “Jungkook-ah…” “It’s okay baby, you can cum. Don’t wait for me.” He encouraged her, sucking a small bruise on the column of her throat. Bottoming out with every thrust, he knew that she needed him to go faster to reach her high. Alternating between little figure-eights and flicking her clit, he knew she would soon reach the point of no return. Her moans were fogging up his brain - each one higher in pitch than the last, making it difficult for him to keep a steady pace. The knot in his stomach that was pulling itself tighter and tighter was about to snap but he had to keep going, they were both so unbelievably close that he wasn’t sure how much longer he could last, her hips now meeting his halfway. “You feel so good.” Jungkook panted, her convulsing walls trying to milk him dry; his scrotum contracting dangerously.  “Baby!” She whined a heads up, her left hand fisting the sheets while the other tightly squeezed his biceps, the stinging feeling of his skin completely subdued by the rush of her high. He was in a daze, watching her come undone, her loud moans ringing in his ears as his member suddenly erupted when he bottomed out, hot white streams of cum painting her walls as white as snow. Letting his body sink onto hers, he buried his face in the crook of her neck as his own orgasm washed over him. “I love you, baby…I love you so much…I love you” He let out a slurry of moans against her sweat glistening skin, thrusting sloppily to get every last drop as deep inside of her as he could, never wanting to come down from this high. Breathing heavily but staying still, he softly pressed little pecks to her shoulder when a sob shook him to his core. He lifted his head up to look at her but hers was turned the other way. “Noona, what’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” “No, I’m fine…j-just ignore me.” She blubbered, trying to wipe the tears away without him noticing. He pulled out to lie down beside her, wrapping his arms around her trembling body. “Tell me what’s wrong…let me fix it.” He whispered; the dopamine from his orgasm that had rushed through his veins, vanishing instantly. “No, no it’s okay…just give me a minute.” But he couldn’t, the world no longer made sense to him; he just couldn’t come up with a reason why she suddenly broke down in tears after he had just told her how much he loved her when she had wanted him to make love to her. “Noona, it’s not okay. You wouldn’t be crying if it was.” She turned around in his arms, burying her face against his chest, her tears feeling like a thousand needles poking and prodding at his skin. “I-I…” A choked sob riddled her body, his embrace tightening around her. He felt so lost, not knowing what to do or how to comfort her. Was he supposed to just hold her and let her cry? But that was easier said than done when he felt tears pricking at his own eyes. “I love you so much, Kookie and it just sucks that we can’t…be together anymore.” “Yes, we can be together, don’t say that.” Desperation was flaring up in his chest as the tears finally escaped their prison. “No, we can’t and you know it.” The sniffles were muffled against his quickly rising chest. “But why? I’m here now. I will always be here.” “Because I’m holding you back and…” He wanted to go deaf so that he wouldn’t have to hear her say any of that nonsense. “- and I’m just standing in your way and ruining your career and I don’t want that. I want you to be happy even if it’s without me.” “But how am I supposed to be happy without you?” His heart was slowly crumbling to pieces, not able to grasp the concept that he could ever be okay without her in his life.  “I don’t know but eventually you’ll move on with someone else…” Untangling his arms from her, he sat up, forcing her to do the same. She didn’t know one bit, how much he had suffered from being separated from her, his heart felt like it was incomplete, missing its other half.  “I won’t! After everything, we went through…I don’t want anyone else. I want you, don’t you get it?” Averting her eyes to the pillows, she tried to avoid looking at him - tears rapidly flowing down his cheeks. “I want you too but you know, sometimes things just don’t work out, no matter how badly you want them to.” “Bullshit! You just let those stupid comments get to you and now you’re pushing me away because those people made you believe you’re not good for me.” “But they are right…” She weakly protested. “If you truly believed that, you would’ve taken your bracelet off but you’re still wearing it…do not lie to me like that.” He inhaled shakily, feeling like someone was standing on his chest, infringing on his ability to breathe properly. As if she was reminiscing, her fingertips traced the metal plate on the bracelet. “I just want what’s best for you…and it’s not me.” “Y/n, you know that we are meant to be together. You have said it yourself that we are soulmates, how can you even say that we’re not supposed to be together?” “You have to grow up and learn that you can’t always get what you want. This isn’t a candy store…” “Are you even listening to yourself? You’re trying so hard to keep us apart with those stupid reasons…” He got up, pulling his pants up and reaching for his hoodie on the floor. He could tell that she wanted to say something but she kept quiet, fresh tears dripping down her cheeks and onto her bare chest. “I’m not going to give up so easily…you will see that we are meant to be together and I don’t care what anyone says and you shouldn’t either…maybe you can grow up and learn that we are a thing that’s worth fighting for.”  His hand slid into the pocket of his hoodie, holding tightly onto the white gold Love bracelet, before placing it on her nightstand.  “This is yours because I’m yours.” 

*

“Where is he?” Namjoon was pacing up and down the living room, checking his watch for the hundredth time in the past 20 minutes, after they had noticed that Jungkook wasn’t home or nowhere to be found anywhere in the apartment complex, or around on the premisses to clear his head. “I’d like to know that too…” Yoongi was unusually worried, eyeing the other members who were quietly sitting on the sofa, pretending they couldn’t hear a word they were saying. “You guys know something...” Hoseok contemplated, tapping on his chin with his index finger. “I’m sure of it, you all look really suspicious…” “Exactly! Spill it!” Yoongi agreed while Namjoon tried calling the youngest yet again. “What? We don’t know anything.” Jin shrugged his shoulders. “I think, we should just calm down, he’ll be home soon. I’m sure, he just needed to blow off some steam. Did anyone check the gym?” “He’s not picking up.” The leader informed the group when the heavy front door opened and closed and Jungkook dragged his feet into the living room. “Where have you been? We were worried about you!” Yoongi, Hoseok, and Namjoon scolded him in unison. “Out.” He mumbled, his eyes were puffy from crying and he wanted nothing more than to hide in his bedroom and don’t see or talk to anyone. “Out?” Namjoon repeated. “You do know that you are not allowed to go out without supervision? We were worried that something happened to you and all you say is ‘out’?” “But it didn’t. I’m fine, nobody saw me.” “Jungkook-ah…” Jimin said softly, he could tell by the look on his face that something wasn’t right. “What did she say?” “Who?” Hobi interrupted but Jimin indicated with his hand for him to stay quiet. “We’re not getting back together…” “You went to see y/n?” Usually, Namjoon always stayed calm but the tension on his face told everyone that he was getting upset at the youngest for breaking the rules when they all needed to be extra careful. “I’m sorry, Jk.” Jin smiled sadly. “It’s okay…if you don’t mind, I wanna be alone for a bit.” “Sure thing.” Jimin reached out and gave his hand a light squeeze. “If you want some company, we’re here for you, okay?” The youngest nodded and disappeared down the hallway to seek comfort in his bedroom. Namjoon scoffed. “I can’t believe, he actually did that…he’s trying really, really hard to get into trouble these days.” “Lay off him! He’s having a hard time right now!” Jin furrowed his eyebrows, letting out an elongated sigh. “Are you serious? He’s doing one reckless thing after the other.” “Maybe it was bound to happen that he acted out…” Yoongi pondered. “I mean, he always had to behave and stay in line…” “He’s not acting out, he just wanted to see her after what happened to her. It’s normal, he’s in love with her.” Jimin defended Jungkook, who wasn’t present to fight for himself. “We should be supportive now. You guys heard that they’re not getting back together. I think he needs us.” “You’re right…” Namjoon gave in, pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers. “He really does need us right now.”  While the others were discussing how they could cheer their little brother up, Taehyung slipped out into the hallway unnoticed; quietly he walked towards Jungkook’s room. Stopping a few times, wanting to turn around but he couldn’t. A part of him was still hurt, his heart aching every time he thought about either one of them but the anger he felt had subsided slowly, at times he felt an overwhelming amount of disappointment flooding his mind but he kept telling himself that it was natural to feel that way after being lied to by two of your best friends. It struck him as odd to feel pity for Jungkook when he had caused all of this trouble in the first place, but he did - seeing his little brother heartbroken wasn’t something he could ignore and he knew that y/n was feeling the same, the urge to comfort her as well rearing its head in the pit of his stomach. Taehyung inhaled, as if to gather up all the courage he could muster and knocked on the door, faintly he heard the youngest mumble a ‘yes’ and he quickly opened and closed the door behind him. Jungkook was lying on his bed, trying to hide the tissue he had used to soak up the tears under his pillow, while Taehyung sat down next to him. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay..” “Oh yeah, I am…” Jungkook didn’t even have to fake a smile; he was genuinely happy that Tae was finally speaking to him again. “You didn’t have to check on me but thank you, hyung!” “I was worried about you…you said, she doesn’t want to get back together?” He shook his head, his eyes drooping in sadness. “She says, she loves me but we can’t be together.” “And why’s that?” Taehyung tilted his head, confused as to why his best friend didn’t want to be with his little brother anymore. “Stupid reasons like she’s holding me back and ruining my career. I think she let those people get into her head.” Jungkook’s eyes shot up when his older brother chuckled. “What’s so funny?” “Ah, Jungkookie…” Tae patted his head. “I don’t know if you know this yet but y/n can be very, very stubborn. She thinks she’s right about something but eventually, she will realize that she’s wrong and I’m pretty sure she will come around.” “How do you kn-?”  “I’ve known her my whole life, remember? It’s her thing, always been like that.”  Jungkook sighed, his lips jutting out into a pout.  “I wish she would hurry up and realize how wrong she is…”  “Don’t worry, it’ll happen sooner than you think.” They fell silent for a moment; it wasn’t uncomfortable this time around. It was like a weight was lifted off their shoulders and they both knew, that they would be able to overcome this hurdle in their friendship. 

“Hyung…” The younger one muttered, piddling at his comforter. “I’m sorry, I lied to you. I should’ve been honest with you from the start. I really hope, you can fully forgive me one day.” “I’m not saying it doesn’t still hurt but I’m not mad anymore…and I’d like that.” Tae smiled shyly when Jimin barged into the room without knocking, stopping in his tracks when his eyes fell on both boys sitting across from each other on the bed. “What is going on?” “We were just talking.” Taehyung assured him. “What’s up?” As soon as he asked, the other members squeezed through the door, piling up in the small space between the door and the bed. “It’s only 10pm, let’s go out to eat and maybe karaoke after!” All the members were nodding enthusiastically behind Jimin. “Do you think that’s a good idea?” Jungkook questioned, not wanting to get into any more trouble. “Yes, we talked to the managers and they said it’s okay if it’s just us. They’re sending a car, so go get dressed.” Jungkook couldn’t help but smile, welcoming the distraction with open arms. “Jungkookie you think of a restaurant where you want to go.” Jin called as he was walking away to his room to get dressed as well. It was almost like nothing ever happened between them, they were cooped up in a small private room at Jungkook’s favorite restaurant, eating and drinking while talking about anything that popped into their heads. Jungkook hated to admit it but he had missed his brothers very much; all the sneaking around and hiding away from them, had involuntarily built a barrier between them and with each laughter that filled the room, he could feel it breaking down. After Jimin had recovered from sliding off his chair from laughing so hard after Hoseok had spilled beer all over Yoongi’s new phone, Jungkook cleared his throat. “So…you’re all not mad at me anymore, right?” Carefully he looked at his older brothers, eyes swimming in tears as he waited for their reply. He knew, he was ruining the mood but the question was eating him up inside - he would’ve hated to find out later that they were all just pretending to make him feel alright for a couple of hours. To his surprise, Namjoon wrapped his arm around his shoulders. “We were never mad at you, just a little disappointed. You’re still a part of us, Jungkook.” Hiding his face in his hands, he let the tears fall freely but he didn’t want his hyungs to see how relieved he was that they still loved and cared about him. “Is he crying?” Jin asked astounded, looking at the others. “I think so…” Yoongi couldn’t tell until Jungkook let out a quiet sob. “Oh Jungkookie, don’t cry!” Hoseok got to his feet, hurrying around the table to give him a hug.  “When you cry, we all cry. Don’t do that!” He softly chuckled, letting his brothers hug him and wipe his tears away, thinking that maybe one day he would be okay as long as they were by his side.

                                          *~~EPILOGUE ~~*

It was a cloudy day, the sun was hiding behind a thick blanket of clouds while she was confined to the car, staring at a row of buildings that all looked the same to her. Deliberately she was pulling at her sweater to make it wider and comfier. “Not long, five more minutes or so.” She nodded, fiddling with the strap of her purse - her nerves getting the better of her. “Aren’t you excited?” “I am…” She replied, trailing off; unsure whether she was actually excited or scared. They had never talked about it, really but she was hoping it would all turn out just fine. Nervously she stepped out of the car, leaning against it to keep a close eye on the door, wishing she would have brought Taehyung or Ha-na for moral support but they were busy visiting locations for the party after the wedding reception. The unusual loud beep of her phone made her flinch when it snapped her out of her thoughts. [Jimin - 2:28pm] Don’t tell Jungkookie about his surprise party later! 🤫 And don’t worry y/n, I know he will be very excited when you tell him 😍 She let out a sigh, it was easier said than done - she had been on edge since last night, only tossing and turning all night. What if he wasn’t happy about it? The others had reassured her a million times by now that it was all going to be fine but now she was contemplating waiting a little longer, maybe even a few months, as ridiculous as it sounded in her head. She was checking her watch yet again, thinking that a minute could easily feel like hours when suddenly a door opened and a few people left the most official-looking building of them all. Her eyes found him, surrounded by the guys in his unit as they were walking towards their families after the ceremony, which she hadn’t been allowed to attend for privacy reasons, but that didn’t matter now. The tingling feeling in her legs, made her impatient and she just couldn’t stand still and wait for him to get to her, so she started running towards him. The moment he spotted her, Jungkook’s face lit up, his stomach was swarming with butterflies as he dropped his bag on the ground, ready to catch her in his arms. “Jungkook-ah, is that your girlfriend?” Minhyuk laughed next to him, nudging him with his elbow, watching as she came running, her skirt blowing in the wind. “Yes.” He said proudly, getting ready to wrap his arms around her for the first time in almost three months. “Looks like she’s really excited to see you, you really should’ve taken a shower this morning.” Junyoung teased him, making the other guys chuckle as they all seemingly waited to watch the reunion. “I saw Jungkookie using perfume before the ceremony, he’ll be fine.” Hyunwoo added, patting his shoulder. “Your teasing is definitely something I won’t miss.” Jungkook winked at them before shifting his focus back to her. He had become good friends with some of the guys in his unit after spending day and night with them - maybe it reminded him of the old days with the other members but it comforted him and made his military service not as bad as he had imagined it before enlisting. His heart was hammering against his ribcage when he picked her up right before she could crash into his chest. His arms securely wrapped around her thighs, he slowly spun around in circles with her. She gently cupped his face, leaning down to press a chaste kiss to his lips, only deepening it for a few seconds. Carefully he set her down, her fingers digging into the rough material of his uniform jacket. “Hey.” She smiled shyly, looking up at him. “Hey.” Jungkook gently brushed his fingertips over her cheek, leaning in to kiss her forehead. “I missed you.” “We missed you too…” “We?” He asked; confusion painted all over his face. He had been told that his members would stay at home and they wouldn’t get together until after his little meeting with the press and fans outside the company building. “Yes, we…”  Taking his hand, he could feel hers shaking when she placed it on her stomach. “We missed you a lot.” Jungkook froze; unsure of whether his ears were playing tricks on him or not. His heart was racing again, but this time it was different - a fuzzy feeling rushed through his body as he slowly started to move his hand over her stomach, feeling the small bump that was well hidden underneath the oversized sweater. “Are you serious?” He swallowed hard, trying to stop his eyes from watering. “I am, I went to the doctor a few weeks ago…” She trailed off, suddenly feeling guilty for not having told him sooner. “I’m sorry, I should’ve… I wanted to tell you in person.” “No, no..it’s okay!” He couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that he was going to be a father just yet. “I-I’m happy you told me like this, it was perfect.” He smiled, cupping her face to wipe the tears from her cheeks. “Noona, I love you.” Ever so delicately he kissed her before he sunk to his knees to press his lips to her stomach, an overwhelming feeling of happiness spreading in his chest.

* “Kookie, she woke up again.” Y/n sighed, hearing the faint little cries coming from their bedroom as she put away the last few dishes. “I’ll go check on her.” He put his laptop down on the couch to get up. “No, it’s okay. You’ve had a long day, I’ll do it.” Quickly he crossed the room to stand in front of her. “No, you go sit down and rest. Dasom was asleep when I got home, so this is my chance to spend some time with her.” “Okay fine, but don’t start playing with her again or she will be up for hours.” “I won’t, I promise.” He pressed a kiss to her cheek and quietly made his way to their bedroom, only turning on the small light on the bedside table. “Hey, little one.” Gently he picked her up, sitting down with her on y/n’s side of the bed, drying her cheeks with his sleeve. “What’s wrong?” He could tell from the way she was crying that she wasn’t hungry, y/n had fed her before putting her down and it was too early for her dream feed. “You don’t need to be changed either.” He concluded after checking her diaper. “Wanna tell appa what’s bothering you?” Dasom made a few unidentifiable noises in between yawns, looking at her father with those big brown doe eyes that she could’ve only gotten from him. “Hmm….yeah…” Jungkook nodded his head. “I understand, I missed you too while I was at work…” He trailed off, reminding himself what he had promised y/n but he was so tempted to tickle her, simply to hear her laugh - he really needed to hear it sometimes, especially after a long tiring day of filming. “I promised mommy I wouldn’t keep you up so, how about I tell you a bedtime story instead?” He cradled her in his arm, making sure she was comfortable. “Where did we leave off last night before you fell asleep? Right, you know there was a time when the princess really didn’t want to be with the prince because of what the people in the town were saying; they were really mean to both of them and the princess wanted to protect the prince so she left him heartbroken and to fend for himself. But the prince loved the princess so much that he did everything in his power to show her his love - it took him months of slaying dragons and all the monsters in the far-away land but eventually, she realized that the universe had always wanted them to be together, they weren’t doomed to be star-crossed lovers…” Dasom’s little snores interrupted his recollection of his relationship with her mother, lovingly his index finger followed the perfect slope of her little nose. Without waking her, he put her back in her crib, making sure she was surrounded by all her favorite plushies, all gifts from her uncles; before he gently kissing her forehead. “I love you and mommy so much, I hope you know that, baby girl.” He whispered, slightly pulling on the string of the little moon above her bed that played the melody of Euphoria. 

[eusuntgratie]

Natasha for the character ask list 👀

Give me a character and I will answer:

Why I like them She’s a badass who takes no one’s shit and is determined to use what she knows and can do because she was raised to be a tool for evil to do good in the world. She’s a good and loyal friend. I would beg her to thank her if she choked me with her thighs. I LOVE HER.

Why I don’t I hate that the heterobros of the MCU had to cram her into a weird romance situation with Bruce (as much bc they never addressed Betty as bc it just doesn’t make sense, but that’s a rant for another day). It really burns my biscuits that her having been sterilized against her will is presented as a reason why she’s unfit/undeserving of a relationship. WTF? Also it makes me really upset when we have long haired humans fight with their hair down. PLEASE make these directors rehearse a fight scene in a long ass wig before they do that shit. PLEASE. I digress..

Favorite episode (scene if movie) Literally anytime she chokes someone with her thighs. cough. Her scene with Steve after Peggy’s funeral in CW. All of her scenes with Steve in TWS. All of her walk, walk, fashion baby struts with Steve across all movies ;)

Favorite season/movie CATWS

Favorite line maybe “I only ACT like I know everything, Rogers”. And “I didn’t want you to be alone”.

Favorite outfit I mean I’m not trying to lie about it she looks fab in a catsuit. Her suits in Black Widow look pretty badass, I’m excited to see that. I like seeing her with a softer look in EG.

OTP I don’t have one for her. I like reading her in femslash pairings and I’ve read some great BuckyNat fic (I know I know blasphemy from a Stucky shipper). I don’t think Natasha needs/wants a partner in the way that say, Steve does, so I love reading about her in an unconventional relationship dynamic in fic or being happy NOT in a relationship.

Brotp STEVE AND NAT 100% I love them <3

Head Canon ooooh there’s a lot there for her character that’s under the surface. I think she’s another example of a character who has a lot of fear and a lot of guilt that she’s not ready to deal with and isn’t willing to let people see. I think that remembering that explains a lot of her actions.

Unpopular opinion this is a lame answer but give me soft Nat with a braid over IM3 perfect curls while I kick ass in the hallway any day.

A wish More screentime that isn’t about showing off her tits. For her bullshit ending to not have happened. For them to at least give her a FUCKING FUNERAL if that couldn’t be avoided. Okay I’m getting upset now...

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen Idek at this point. A bullshit het romantic storyline bc women can’t exist without a love interest? Oh wait they already did that.

5 words to best describe them Intelligent Competent Badass Strong Loyal

My nickname for them I’m pretty partial to Nat <3

Character Asks

[rosykims]

5 + 10 for emeraude, 14 + 18 for effie, 19 + 24 for arylene and 30 through 45 for imogen bc i love her so much ? 😏😏😏

fdjkfjkfdk thank u SO much maia i absolutely Treasure You !

EMERAUDE HAWKE - DA2

What does your OC normally wear? What would your OC wear on a special night?

emeraudes fashion sense is probably my favourite out of all my ocs, so uh if u havent looked at her pinterest board yet u should do that bc its Very cute hehehe

anyway for the most part she sticks to dark, practical clothing whenever she's out and about in kirkwall or doing merc work, etc. she picks clothes that convey strength and power, but she likes having a little bit of colour somewhere on the piece, just to keep things interesting. she's not much of an embroider, but was a good way to keep herself distracted during hard times, so she tends to add little patterns here and there whenever she gets the chance!

as for special occasions, for her this would actually just be. a quiet night at home or a relaxed gathering with her friends. bc its so rare for her to have that lmao. anyway for events like that she usually wears light colours and soft fabrics, simple but always decorated with flowers or colourful patterns.

What does your OC keep in a special drawer?

she has a collection of gifts ! that kids from lowtown would give her over the years she spent in kirkwall. she's a very community based person and wants to do right for her city, and shes very nurturing (in an ironical, Cool Big Sister way) so she likes making sure all the kids are safe and being looked after. she gets a lot of trinkets and strange gifts from some of the kids as a result, but she does treasure them (even if she laughs about it with her friends) and keeps them all !

EFFIE RYDER - MEA

Who is the mother and/or father figure in your OC’s life?

effie's maternal rolemodel has always been her late mother, ellen. nobody could really fill that role in her eyes, since they had such a close, positive relationship before she passed. her relationship with her dad was a lot more strained and it really impacted a lot of her relationships later on in life too ! she tends to.... see an older man who is Vaguely Nice to her, and then think “ oh, youre my dad now?” which isnt fair to anybody obviously but yeah she,,,, has a lot of unresolved issues regarding alec and tends to unintentionally project so. We stan !

How many times did your OC move as a child? Which area was his/her favorite?

oh constantly lol. With her dad being an n7 and her mother working so hard on her research, they tended to move around wherever her parents work required. she actually enjoyed it this way. she was never good at making long term friends, but she lived meeting new people, and obviously with the move she got to experience a lot of different cultures which really put the idea of adventuring and travelling in her head at a young age.

ARYLENE TORR - TES IV

What does your OC think of children- either in general or about having them?

she likes them ! she tends to keep her distance with most communities and groups of people in particular, but she does like enjoys having the odd conversation with the odd street urchin here and there, either sharing with them some strange, ridiculous life advice or – if shes feeling particularly chaotic – telling them the scariest stories she can think of. as for having them, arylene isnt AGAINST the idea, but she has far too much for the foreseeable future for that to ever be a good idea

Who are the people your OC dislikes/hates?

outwardly, arylene is an almost unbearably easy going person, so you would assume she doesnt hate anyone lol. but she does DEEEPLY dislike cults and groups of ignorant people who are arrogant enough to start messing with the balance of life, or making deals with gods, etc. she believes that people like that can do an unbelievable amount of damage, so she invests a lot of time and effort it sabotaging any group or plot she happens to find !

 IMOGEN FOSTER - RDR2

Did your OC participate in extracurricular activities, and if so, what were they?

hmm idk if this even EXISTED in 19th century london lol, but she would have done some very tame version of girl scouts as a child! She barely remembers any of it, but she liked the classes on what plants did what, which were safe to eat, and the likes. its something that helps her a lot when on the run with the gang, and something shes always had a personal interest in, as a nurse !

other than that, she’s done a lot of independent study on history, classical literature, and she speaks fluent italian we stan !

What is your OC’s opinion of school? What kind of student was s/he?

imogen comes from a very wealthy aristocratic family, so she was very fortunate that her privilege afforded her the education she got at the time. she is VERY grateful to have attended the schools she did, and she made sure to make the most of it, paying attention in class and studying harder than most of her classmates. she's a smart girl with a very active mind, so knowledge is something she can't get enough of. she was actually petitioning the board of education to allow her to attend university before she left for america – already their had been women accepted into universities at that time, but obviously it was still a very scandalous thing lol, especially since imogen wanted to study medicine.

What subjects did your OC excel at?

imogen is a HUGE overachiever and did pretty well at basically everything from science, mathematics, language studies and later on, in her studies as a nurse. i can tell you what shes bad at though lmao

anything physical really dkdkdks she is TERRIBLE at horse-riding since she usually just went by carriage everywhere in the city. art and poetry and writing in general she was never great at, because she's a pretty logical person and was told she never put enough emotion in her work lol !!! sports...obviously was very limited anyway as growing up in like? the early 1870s lol. and as for the traditionally feminine lessons in like ?? sewing and cooking and stuff well ! she was very average at them which made her  feel worse than if she was actually bad bc she's so used to excelling and making a name for herself oof

What subjects interested your OC?

Imogen loves greek literature and mythology !! the iliad is her favourite book and she keeps her heavily annotated, dog eared copy – a gift from her late father – on her person almost constantly. needless to say its why dutch admires her as much as he does lol.

obviously, as a nurse-trying-to-be-a-doctor, she has a great love for medicine in all its forms. she's always been fascinated in natural remedies, and even moreso when she's running with the van der linde gang and is really relying on the land to survive.

What is your OC’s dream job and/or current profession?

hmm okay so. Technically she's a nurse – she worked in her father's hospital for almost 10 years prior to his death, and she was sort of his unofficial understudy, as in she knows a LOT more than her job description requires lol. but after her father past away, another, less progressive man took his place as chief of surgery and made a lot of changes to the way the hospital operated, and imogen was let go. she and her mother were fighting against it, however, under the ground of unfair dismissal, but obviously given the time period it didnt get them very far. so ! i mean technically she's unemployed rn. but she still has dreams of being a doctor, or at least continuing her career in medicine.

How is your OC working towards their dream job and/or achieved their current profession?

Oh VERY direct action up until she got disheartened and chose to take her sabbatical. she had been working in her role for nearly a decade, and was very obviously one of the most experienced nurses there. even younger doctors would sometimes ask her for her medical opinion dksksks anyway what i am saying is Brain Very Good. she had been fighting to gain admission into a university – any, she wasnt picky – to study medicine officially, but it didnt get very far and she put it on hold after her father got sick. after he died and she was laid off, she fought even harder against the city to reinstate her title, and continues to fight after she returns from america a year or so later.

What are your OC’s thoughts/opinions of his/her current profession?

helping people is her entire life, and she wouldn't know what to do without it. she loves being a nurse enough to fight to be a doctor, but also in BEING a nurse, she is hyperaware of all the things current medical standards seem to get wrong, and she has a lot of ideas about how else to go about things. her father, a shockingly progressive and worldly man for the time period, shared her sentiment, but he wasn't able to make the changes he wanted to before he passed, so imogen hopes she can be the change herself, and make her father proud

What is your OC’s biggest dream?

being a licenced doctor, babey ! preferably at her father's hospital, but at the point she will take what she can get.

How does your OC react to and handle stress?

imogen  handles stress very well , which is partially why she makes such a good medic, and also how she managed to survive the first week of being with the van der linde gang lmao. she is very good at shutting out EVERY distraction when things get dicey, and her brain tends to move at a million miles an hour. all traces of english etiquette and politeness go out the window, though, so you'll usually catch her barking orders at people, and yelling at anyone who prevents her from doing the work she needs to do. it.....is a big wake up call for people like dutch and micah, and gets her into a LOT of trouble on multiple occasions.

How does your OC handle anger?

ooo......not great. she’s grown up with parents who maybe encouraged her to speak her mind a bit....TOO much given the historical circumstances lol. she really doesn’t stand for ignorance or prejudices in any capacity, and if she has a problem with someone and it gets in the way of her trying to do her work or help others - she will ABSOLUTELY be having words. she also overestimates her own strength quite a lot. she’s tried to throw hands with micah MANY times, often forgetting she’s this tiny 70kg englishwoman and he’s .... Him sdjkdcjkf. she has a big mouth too so she often says snide remarks without even meaning too, which tends to get her in trouble as well. on the bright side, it also helps her fit in with the gang quite well, because for the most part they all appreciate how wild she is lmao

How does your OC handle grief?

hmm i guess it depends on what you would class as “well”? she doesnt cry very often - being stoic and handling your emotions is important when your a nurse - but she does tend to shove her feelings down far longer than she should, and tries to pretend they don’t exist by simply focusing on other things. she also blames herself when a lot of things go wrong, because she’s a perfectionist and wants to FIX everything, so when she finds something - or someone - she can’t save, it feels like a personal failure. like she let them down :(

What is your OC’s greatest fear?

probably being trapped in an unhappy, unfulfilling marriage with someone who undervalues her. she’s not much of a homebody and doesn’t have too much of an interest in being married, but the idea of feeling FORCED to marry someone in order to have a decent quality of life makes her blood run cold oof

What makes your OC happy?

helping people ! meeting new folks ! learning about other cultures and ways of life! learning about NEW THINGS in general ! proving people wrong ! insulting micah !

as tough and high-and-mighty as she sometimes seems, she’s a pretty easy person to please, honestly. treat her with respect, give her space to do the things she wants to do, and don’t get in the way of her opportunities to learn new things, and she’s mostly very happy !

What kind of sense of humor does your OC have?

she has a fairly macabre and sardonic sense of humour, something she picked up from her mother. she says a lot of Shocking things for the time period, and she’s not shy of dirty jokes either. the first time sean heard her, a soft, well spoken english Lady, make some filthy, crude joke, he nearly had a stroke right there on the spot kjkjkfdjkf

What are some things that greatly upset your OC?

senseless violence, suffering or cruelty. she really hated the gang at first and hoped to escape the first chance she got, because all she could see was the crime and disregard for human life she assumed they all held. fortunately, as she got to know them, she realized this wasn’t exactly the case, but she still has a lot of anger in her heart for a few key members of the gang who seem to enjoy bloodshed more than anything. she also hates any form of social prejudice, and people who gatekeep knowledge and opportunities from others.

What are some things that annoy your OC?

i guess all of the above, but she also dislikes misplaced arrogance, and people who talk down to others. she tolerates dutch, but often gets frustrated with the way he speaks, using as many big words as he can to manipulate and confuse others. she believes that really intelligence doesn’t require obscure jargon and big, fancy words - she likes keeping things simple, so everybody can follow along.

[impalawanderlust]

14x10 Thoughts

LONG POST ALERT.

Honestly, up until Dean got re-possessed, I was running on another theory--that instead of "Rocky's bar" being the construct that Michael created to keep Dean placated in his own mind, everything that we've seen happen to Dean since 14x2 has been Michael's construct, and that he was never not possessed. I'm still not convinced that it wouldn't have made for a more interesting storyline. Generally speaking, I don't like retconning an entire half-season of television with an "it was all a dream" fakeout, but in this case, I think it would've worked.

Think about it. When Gadreel possessed Sam, he gave him a hunt to work on; business as usual meant Sam didn't start to suspect anything was amiss until it was brought to his attention. Michael's construct for Dean, in the other hand, is very clearly different from his usual life. None of his family is there at all, he's at least partially retired from hunting, and the only friend he has is a woman who died years ago. That doesn't sound to me like what Dean actually wants. That sounds more like an amateur guess at what Dean would want, similar to how the angels in DSotM showed Sam's "best" memories insomuch as they didn't involve Dean, specifically to drive a wedge between them. I would expect Michael, who has access to all of Dean's thoughts, feelings, and memories would have a better understanding of what Dean truly wants.

So let's look at some of the episodes in between 2 and 10.

In episode 4, Dean gets to fight his favorite slasher-movie villain on a hunt with his brother. He talks about how fun and cool it is throughout the episode. It's also notable that in this episode we finally get an explanation for Sam's dislike of Halloween and instead of something to do with hunting, it's an embarrassing childhood story that Dean's never heard before. I remember thinking it was odd that Dean had never heard the story before, despite the boys living in each other's pockets during the time period it took place. (Not to mention how fast drama and gossip spreads in a small town middle school-high school setting; even if Sam hasn't told him, it seems like he would've heard.)

In episode 5, the boys go up against a super-powered djinn--a creature that traps victims in a constructed reality in their own mind, and which Dean has personal experience with. And there are a lot of parallels between what a djinn does and what the angels have done--first to Sam, and now to Dean. Remember, when Dean was captured by a djinn in season 2, it gave him a life where his mother never died and he wasn't a hunter. With Sam's help, Dean eventually escaped that reality, and even commented that hunting was a part of their lives that he couldn't really concieve of living without. It's all he knows. Also in this episode, Dean helps a woman with through some of her issues with her father--something that Dean never truly got to do himself.

Episode 6 separates Sam and Dean on two different cases, so let's just focus for now on Dean's. He and Jack end up facing off with a zombie and the necromancer who created him. This gives them an opportunity to bond, father-son style, which is something we know Dean has always wanted--the opportunity to be a father. As for the monster, I found it interesting how similar the circumstances were to the first zombie the boys ever faced in, I believe season 3. In both cases, people brought back their loved ones rather than living without them (though Harper did kill Vance in the first place), which is a very common Supernatural theme, and would make sense as something Michael plucked out of Dean's memories and reused, which some modification.

The 7th and 8th episodes mainly center around Jack's deteriorating health, eventual death, and following resurrection. Along the way, there are TONS of scenes of Sam, Dean, and Cas worrying about him, trying to save him, and leaning on one another for support. They all three call him their "son" or their "kid" at least once, creating a very non-traditional, but still very loving and supportive portrait of a family. And what is the one thing we know Dean craves above all else, since the very inception of the show? A real family. Dean also takes Jack out for burgers, teaches him to drive (lets him ride Baby's brakes, ffs), and goes fishing with him. Jack mentions that Dean's favorite memory of his own father was a fishing trip they once took together, and Dean quickly points out that while he told him about the trip, he never said it was his favorite memory, but Jack dismisses this because it was just obvious to him. Also important to note that these episodes bring in characters we haven't seen in a while, like Rowena and Lily Sunder. Following the themes of the show, after Jack's (rather abrupt) death, we see some sacrifices made and some alliances formed in order to bring him back. Dean surprisingly calls it a "no strings attached win," despite Jack having to lose a sliver of his soul for it to happen.

In episodes 9 and 10 Michael seems to have anticipated the hunters' every move and begins a hostile takeover of Kansas City. He eventually repossesses Dean, talking about wanting to break his spirit. Disregarding the retcon of how angels can take over a vessel, it still strikes me as odd that Michael wouldn't have taken the opportunity to "break" Dean before possessing him by killing Sam rather than knocking him unconscious earlier in the episode. This whole thing comes across to me like Michael reading doubt in Dean that he did actually escape in 14x2 and responding with a convoluted plot where Sam and Cas help Dean escape once and for all--in the exact way that Dean and Crowley did for Sam back with Gadreel. It's another callback that seems directly plucked from Dean's memories. Besides all this, there is a very clear parallel in 14x10 to the movie Die Hard as Team Free Will rush into the tower with Ode to Joy blasting in the score--sounds exactly like a silly fantasy Dean might indulge in to feel more heroic in the crushing grind that is life as a hunter.

Basically, this whole theory is premised on Michael understanding that Dean would never be placated by a vision of a reality where he isn't a hunter--especially one where his family is AWOL. Instead he presents him with a much more realistic fantasy: Dean hunting, business as usual, but with little happinesses along the way (getting to play at slasher and/or action movie hero) and the absolute bedrock foundation of Dean's desires--a loving, supportive family that is safe and together, no matter what. Michael then ties it all together using Dean's memories of past hunts to create the story, which is why we're seeing so many callbacks to old plot threads and characters.

Obviously there is one major flaw in this reading, which is all the scenes that aren't told from Dean's point of view, but I would argue that presenting those scene as things that did really happen (e.g. Sam and Charlie hunting together, Nick's murderous rampage) would make the season more interesting bc it would mean only retconning Dean's memories between 14x2 and 14x10.

TL;DR My theory is that Dean never escaped from Michael and everything that's happened thus far is an elaborate construct the archangel put together to keep Dean from fighting him for control.

I would love to hear input on this, if you made it all the way through lol!

[authenticparanoidghosts]

here’s a very long d&d story about the time my party used volleyball skills to become a god.  for @komodoclassic, because she asked

this is a story in three parts

part i - a brief introduction of major characters and setting

okay so this was our big sophomore year campaign that lasted from first semester on over into part of second semester

really good campaign, our DM put a lot of work into it and we love him, but we had so many players that we had to split into two groups who both played the same world on the same timeline which was a huge fantastic mess

it ended bc the group I was in got a total party kill fighting a lizard with a magic eyeball (a totally different story - I was playing a hot tree and I might have killed him on my own after the rest of the party died if he hadn’t had that fucking entourage) and the other group killed the interdimensional asshole/refugee guy my party was actually trying to help

anyways, important characters in this story:

our DM, who I will not refer to by name even though I do tag him by name sometimes. I love to be inconsistent 

me, playing my first character for this campaign (who did survive! she had to be retired before the lizard TPK for other nonsense reasons), a dwarf paladin named Taxes

Taxes (real name: Ataxite Tellus) was from a family of swindlers and petty criminals and was forced to leave her life of burglary and scamming when her parents got paid off to have someone take the fall for murdering The Very Important Mayor Of The Big Island Of This Archipelago Country and decided to frame her for it

instead of going to jail like she was supposed to, she was like “fuck this” and fled to a different island where she dyed her hair and put on a bandana like an old west outlaw and spitefully decided to dedicate her life to Not Being A Huge Asshole 

obviously the way to do this is by taking some (k)night classes and becoming a paladin

Taxes is not a very good paladin

her god is Deimos, who does fire and war and justice and out of all the gods we met during the campaign (which was honestly a shocking amount) he was the nicest to us

our DM said he (Deimos) got briefly famous on the d&d reddit - partially because of this story and partially because of the stunts we were pulling immediately before it

anyways it’s important that you know that Taxes is from a family of criminals and just genuinely not very good at her job

one of my roommates, playing an elven wizard/lich whose name was Faenor but went exclusively by Gregg

good things to know about Gregg: she and Taxes had a classic straight man/banana man dynamic where she would try to do terrible ridiculous criminal things and Taxes would loudly protest but do very little to stop her

a friend, playing a dwarf paladin/cleric named Yule Marbles

Yule also followed Deimos and she and Taxes had an elaborate prayer handshake that they’d made up that gave them DM-sanctioned bonuses to religion checks

our party prayed basically exclusively to Deimos and eventually gained new player characters who ALSO followed him so after a point we just kind of paraded around the world as Deimos’ Favorite Idiots

part ii - volleyball

alright those are the people you need to know, let’s set the scene

our party needs to flee Dinosaur Hell Island where we have just solved the mystery we were summoned to help investigate and also accidentally started a war

quick trivia: Taxes (me) got mocked CONSTANTLY through the campaign bc she kept ACCIDENTALLY STARTING WARS

BAD PALADIN BEHAVIOR

but I did get a joke proficiency in starting wars which I later convinced the DM to let me use to benefit the party, so who’s laughing now, motherfucker

(the final count was that at LEAST three (3) legitimate, real-ass wars could be traced directly back to my actions as Taxes, as well as a couple other events that I would prefer to call “skirmishes” or “battles” that happened more indirectly.  I refuse to count Malcolm’s not-so-legal battle for the deed to hell because 1) I did NOT help that guy, I just said I would, and 2) that was his problem and he started it)

we are leaving without telling anyone what we’ve found out

because they’re going to kill us, probably

you know. because of the war. that we started. on their already incredibly politically fraught island

the point is that we solved the goddamn mystery despite being absolutely terrible detectives and we FINALLY get to leave

we’ve been playing this part of the campaign for weeks and we’re all very tired of it

also the player who was intended to take point on the investigation (her hot mentor/maybe boyfriend? was the one who had called us there) had died pretty early on doing a pretty risky stunt involving a shark and an underwater cave, so we were just muddling through it

and we kept “”accidentally”” insulting people by stealing things (dinosaurs) and getting caught trying to break into things (sacred temples) and just generally being rude (Yule REALLY didn’t like the fey and I was briefly cursed by a swamp hag)

and, again, we started that war

we really need to skip town

a very unfortunate ship had crashed on the island a couple days previously and some of the people on it are very powerful sorcerers who we (really just Xenon, the half-orc fighter and everyone’s very best friend) have convinced to teleport us off the island

we just need to hide out on their beach and kill some time until the teleportation circle is ready

“do you want to take a rest?” the DM asks

“we should play beach volleyball,” someone else says, at the exact same time

resting is for suckers who are afraid of the very angry lizard people who want to kill us

we vote unanimously to play beach volleyball

the DM graciously decides that, in the interest of comedy, we have all the materials we need and won’t have to, like, sit down and weave a net

we break into two teams of four. team names are quickly decided to be The Hotdogs vs. The Hamburglars 

after the party split our group retained “hamburglars” as our group chat name because our threshold for what entertains us is embarrassingly low

there are eight of us, so we’re playing four-on-four

the makeup of the teams isn’t important (and I can’t remember them), but know that we’re a half-orc, a tiefling, a middle-school-age human girl, an adult human man, two dwarves, an undead elf, and a fishperson

we spend a decent amount of time coming up with rules necessary to let us play volleyball

it’s mostly dexterity checks and rolling a d4 to see what quadrant of the court the ball lands in

some of our group doesn’t know the rules to actual volleyball and they have to be explained

listen. this is possibly the nerdiest thing I’ve ever done. I’m willing to acknowledge that, you don’t need to tell me.

anyways, ultimately the outcome of the game doesn’t matter (the Hamburglars won) and neither does how good or bad anyone was at rolling for imaginary volleyball (we fucking crushed the Hotdogs)

the point is that we played it and were so charmed by it that we would not forget about our new skills. we would remember them in our hour of need.

part iii - now I am (accidentally) become (NOT ACTUALLY A) god, destroyer of pirates

imagine there’s a timeskip

like, uh, two weeks later in game time at MOST

the group has split in real life, so my group is now Taxes, Yule, Gregg, Roswell (delightful fishperson), and another guy who stopped coming regularly and then was later replaced by another guy who doesn’t really become important until later, when we try to help a dimension-hopping dicklick by killing a lizard and stealing his eyeball

his character’s name was Yashirou and he’s not in this at all but it’s important that you know that by the time he died he had been partially transformed into so many different things that he was achingly close to being classified as an abomination and also was probably going to be fired from his job as a space cop

anyways, it’s a new day and a new session

actually, it’s probably like 11 pm. this will be relevant later

Taxes, Gregg, and Yule are the only player characters present because Roswell was busy or something

we’re on a new continent, hanging out with Taxes’ younger sister, Olivine

Olivine has also split from their parents and now runs an all-female gang of pirates who steal from the two much BIGGER gangs of pirates and also the trading federation and then sells whatever they’ve captured to the anti-government faction of the civil war that’s currently happening on the continent

this civil war is the only war currently going on/about to start where the root causes are NOT my fault in any way because when the thing that caused the circumstances that are creating unrest happened, Taxes had her hands over her ears and was humming loudly bc she knew she’d be morally obligated to do something if someone told her what was going on

right now, both major gangs of pirates and the trading federation are also all currently at war with each other

this is my fault

nobody but Gregg and Yule know it’s my fault, though, so I’m only in danger of being mocked for it

anyways we’re hanging out with my sister

doing crime

well, Gregg is doing crime.  Taxes and Yule are paladins so they’re just protecting their good friend Gregg from people who might try to do her harm.  it’s an airtight excuse, thank you

we’re actually on the continent because we’re traveling to visit Yule’s wife and son

so my sister and her gang (and us) have recently stolen a bunch of supplies from a guy named Scipio who is, we’ve been told, a Huge Asshole

Olivine’s gang is going to pay some local sailors to run the supplies up to the northern part of the continent which is both where the rebels are based and where Yule’s family lives

so ofc we’re on one boat (chock full of magical items we have recently lit a perfectly nice wizard on fire to steal) and two of the girl gang members are on the other (full of, like, food I think) providing security and acting as Olivine’s representatives for the deal they’re trying to make with the rebel camp

things are going well

we’re just sailing, no big deal

except, you know, like the first rule of d&d is Never Get On A Boat

and we are definitely on a boat

undeniably on a boat

on a boat full of MANY stolen goods

so ofc a couple hours into our trip, a bigger, faster ship sails up behind us. a bigger, faster ship with very official looking flags

it’s a gang of pirate enforcers (from one of the big two gangs) and they are presumably here to rob the shit out of us

“oh shit” we say, and look over at the other boat where the only NPCs who can help us also appear to be mouthing oh shit

“well,” someone says (me), “I think we can talk our way out of this”

I like to think I’m optimistic (and sometimes I find combat boring)

I prefer to try to lie my ass off to get us out of bad situations

we let the pirates board

things to know:

previous to this adventure on this continent, Taxes had gained the ability to see the names of everyone she meets, Death Note style

also she has a new helmet

more on the helmet later

Yule, who had been wearing Custom Order Rose Gold Plate Armor with the symbol of Deimos (god of LAW and JUSTICE) inscribed in the front and a cake recipe on the back, had been persuaded to take it off and hide it below decks so she looks less like the paladin/cleric she is

Gregg and Taxes look sketchy as hell all the time so they’re not worried

“hey, uh, what’s the plan?” someone asks, moments before the pirates climb onto our ship

“we are also pirates now,” Taxes says

“what”

“we are specifically the same sort of pirates they are because they’re not going to rob one of their own boats,” Taxes says, because she has the actor feat and is willing to use it

“alright, sounds good,” Gregg says, because she loves deception and can just blast the shit out of anyone with her wizard powers if things go south

so we let the pirates board

guy #1 (the only important pirate in this story) is obviously in charge and probably wearing an outfit that makes him look like a douche

he’s a huge douche which we find out immediately and also again later

you’ll see

he starts in on us, threatening everyone, asking our business and clearly winding up to start demanding that we put our hands on our heads and show him where our gold is

“Harrison,” Taxes says

she can see that his name is Harrison with her magic eyes

“Harrison, please, you’ve got the wrong boat”

Harrison - and everyone with him - about swallows his tongue in surprise that she’s addressing him by name

later we find out from the DM that at work he goes by something incredibly silly like Inflammis or Incindior or Combustus or something

none of the other pirates know his name is really Harrison

“who the fuck are you” the pirates, rather reasonably, want to know

“representatives of Lady Blackwing herself,” Gregg says, because we have a hold full of treasure we’ve literally just stolen from this exact group of pirates the day before and nothing to lose

Gregg is basically impossible to kill and should not be allowed to make decisions for the party, but we never learned

we attempt to convince Harrison that we are, in fact, pirates and that we do, actually, work for his boss (Lady Blackwing)

our story is that we’re secret profiteers who are selling things on the black market to both armies in order to fill Lady Blackwing’s pockets with gold

I’m sure you remember there’s a civil war about to get started

“what the fuck is a secret profiteer?” Harrison wants to know

“well,” we say, “we’d tell you, but how do we know you’re high enough up in the organization to have clearance for that information?” heavily implying that he’s a chump for not recognizing us

oooo, burn

Harrison is, of course, not fooled by this

so we send Yule down to the hold to get something to prove that we have our own cargo (that we definitely didn’t steal from them)

Yule comes back, arms full of Custom Order Rose Gold Plate Armor with the symbol of Deimos (god of LAW and JUSTICE) inscribed in the front and a cake recipe on the back, and we roll JUST barely high enough to convince him that we have our own goods and we might, in fact, be pirates who are on his team and he probably should try not to rob us 

so Harrison, a little dazed and definitely pissed off (we were not very polite to him), goes back to his ship

the pirates who have boarded the other vessel also go back to their ship

we start trying to sail the hell out of there as fast as possible

the other boat we’re traveling with sails up next to us and our NPC friends wave us over

“what the FUCK did you tell them?” hot girl gang member who can, like, literally smite things (she was clearly the muscle of the group) asks us 

“we convinced them we were also pirates,” we say

“oh shit” she says

their boat has convinced the pirates that they’re just merchants

turns out the pirates really are looking for the people who robbed them yesterday

for revenge

that’s us. they want revenge on us.

we decide to sail faster

it’s too late, though, because the pirate ship is sailing after us again and we already know they’re capable of catching us

“should we fire the canons?” someone asks, unsure if our boats even HAVE canons

“you should roll initiative,” the DM says, not at all like it’s a suggestion

we’re in combat

on Harrison’s first turn, he hits us with a level 7 fireball

turns out he’s a wizard and he’s very mad at us

Infernus, his work name was probably Infernus

we’re understandably furious about being on fire

there is some shouting that he probably cannot hear

now we get turns

two of us are paladins who don’t really have ranged attacks, and the other one of us is Gregg

the NPCs can do some cool shit but this has dragged on long enough so I will not mention them

“hm,” Gregg says, and tries to light them on fire back (it doesn’t work)

“oh dear,” Yule says, and attempts to fire a canon at them (turns out we do have them)

“I’d like to use my magic hat,” Taxes says, because she REALLY doesn’t want anymore 7th level spells being thrown around and now seems like a good a time as any to figure out what the hat does

“oh my god,” says the DM

“oh my god, really?” he looks delighted

this is the first inkling we get that Taxes’ magic hat is maybe more powerful than any item we ever should have been given

ABOUT THE HAT

previous to this adventure (after Dinosaur Hell Island), Gregg went house shopping and we ended up stealing a fortress carved into a meteor (located in a plane I think our DM might have made up that was basically space) from a Beholder 

after clearing the Beholder and most of its minions out from our future home, we went through it and found a whole bunch of loot.  most notably a rock with a weird marking on it, a shield, and a helmet

the rock went to Gregg who owned the house and when she picked it up the markings moved to her arm and gave her sort of a sick sleeve tattoo that I think boosted all her necrotic spells or something

goth as FUCK

Xenon, the fighter and our very good friend, got the shield and I honestly don’t think we ever figured out what it did

Taxes got the Helmet of War

she’s a paladin of the god of war (and justice and fire), so why not

it’s just a normal-looking helmet and it gave +1 to armor class and our DM had me roll a d4 to see how many charges it had

the helmet had 4 charges, and we did an arcana check but all we learned was that it would summon “an avatar of war”

cool, I thought, like a spirit or something that can fight with me in battle

well

we didn’t bother to investigate any further

“I’d like to use my magic hat,” Taxes says, thinking that an avatar of war might be able to fly and go attack Harrison from a distance

“oh my god,” says the DM, and from the light in his eyes you’d think one of us had just gotten down on one knee for him

“are you sure,” he asks in the DM Voice, and Taxes just shrugs because even if it doesn’t work, at least they’ll know what the hat does, right?

“yeah,” Taxes says, “I activate my magic hat”

“oh my god,” the DM says, and starts furiously writing something down

we wait with interest because we’re starting to get the feeling that the hat does something cool

who’d have thought

“okay,” he says, after a minute

“Taxes starts to glow and she steps off the ship,” he says

“what,” I say, because I’m wearing plate armor and don’t trust myself to roll high enough not to drown because of it

“a giant, 50 foot tall, glowing Taxes forms around her”

“what,” I say

“you’re standing on top of the water, piloting this giant spectral form from the inside”

“what,” I say

“your strength and dex are both 30 and you have 100 additional health,” he says.  “it’ll last for 10 minutes or until the 100 health are depleted”

“what,” we all say

“what would you like to do, avatar of war?” he asks

oh, I’M the avatar of war

THAT’S what the hat does

Taxes raises her arm and points at the pirate ship

HARRISON, she yells, in a voice that’s 50 feet tall and also glowing

the intimidation roll is a nat 20

Gregg does a perception check and the DM assures us that Harrison has peed himself

we all feel very smug

“I want that ship,” I say to the DM

“you- what?” he asks

“I want to have that ship. I’m going to pick up it up,” I say

“oh my god,” he says

“roll strength for it,” he says

Taxes rolls a nat 20 to pick up the ship

the second nat 20 in a row

all four of us are literally shaking with excitement

she scoops up the ship with one huge, glowing hand, and heaves it up to eye level

down on our boat, Gregg and Yule are going absolutely ape

Gregg is screaming encouragement, Yule is on the verge of ecstatic tears

this is also exactly how we feel in real life

“what do you want to do with the boat?” the DM says

“uhh,” I say, because I hadn’t thought that far ahead

we all contemplate the situation

“you could dropkick it,” someone says

“oh my god,” I say

we look at the DM

“roll something,” he says, because no one wants to see what’s about to happen more than he does

natural 20

the third one

in a row

this will probably never happen to me again, ever, in my life

all four of us are shouting at once, we’re on the verge of hysteria

I’m in tears

it’s nearly 1 am and we’re acting like we’ve won the superbowl 

this is the best possible outcome the magic hat could have had

“how do you want to do this?” the DM asks, which is his special ‘I’m going to give you gays everything you want’ phrase that usually means we get to decide the finishing blow for an enemy

“actually,” I say, “can I jump serve it?”

“oh my god,” someone says

that’s right.  beach volleyball, motherfuckers

“yes,” he says

50 foot Taxes tosses the boat into the air

takes a beautiful run-up

and spikes a boat full of pirates so hard that it soars over the coastline and crashes well inland

“wow,” the DM says.  “I’m gonna need some time to figure out how much experience this get you”

later, once he’s got it figured out, it will be enough to give Taxes two levels instantaneously as well as giving Gregg and Yule one each

Taxes goes back to the boats she’s been traveling with

EVERYONE on board is losing their goddamn minds

Yule and Taxes decide to ride the high and take a moment to make an extra big prayer to their god to thank him for the magic hat because it’s so incredibly baller

the roll is not a nat 20, but a holy fire descends upon Mega Taxes and the symbol of Deimos appears over her huge, spectral breastplate

Attack of the Fifty Foot Taxes decides to just pick up the ships she’s traveling with and carry them as far as her remaining 9 minutes of avatar time will get her

“what day is it,” I ask the DM as we’re doing this, because we’re tracking exactly what day it is in-game and it’s fun to know

“june 21st,” he says, after flipping through his notes

“huh,” someone says, “that’s the summer solstice”

“oh my god,” he says

you’ll never guess which patron deity’s major holiday is celebrated on the summer solstice

that’s a lie, you get one guess

it’s Deimos, god of fire and justice and war and being AWESOME as HELL

so

a giant, glowing figure of a dwarf in battered armor with the symbol of Deimos blazing on their chest was seen walking across the ocean just offshore of a major continent that is currently on the cusp of all-out civil war on the morning of Demios’ holy day

it’s just Taxes, who really only does these things on accident or on impulse in the heat of the moment

but the people of the continent don’t know that 

soon, after reaching our destination and starting off on foot towards the village where Yule’s wife lives, we start hearing rumors about the return of Deimos, the Real Ass God

this is what makes the third war my fault

the rumors are never disproven and people continue to believe that Deimos Really Did That until the day we called it quits

“oh my god,” Taxes, a very grudging paladin, says in horror, adjusting her bandana more firmly over her face

“oh my god,” says Gregg, who knows exactly how she’s going to be introducing her friend to the next person they meet

[minhyukie]

your oral presentation abt joohyuk was soso cute!! can you give us your onion about the other _____hyuk ships as well !! :O

Ahhhh I Love your Voice

this would be too much to fit into a voice note anyway fjdskf and i think doing Every single mx pairing would be a bit too much for my tiny brain but!!  i’m gonna talk about each minhyuk pairing under the cut, im not sure if they’ll be as enjoyable as the joohyuk one (i feel like im probably best at talking about them since they’re my favorite) but i hope this is what u guys were looking for :D

showhyuk – i feel like their dynamic is v beneficial especially to shownu, bc minhyuk literally thinks sooo so greatly of shownu like u can tell how much he admires him!! he’s always praising shownus looks and strengths in variety and his actions reflect it as well – during the vlive they did abt law of the jungle, minhyuk literally only seemed to care about shownu monitoring him and shownu’s opinions on how he did because he respects shownu in variety so much, and although minhyuk was originally the member who mx seemed to want to point towards variety shownu ended up being that person instead and i think in shownu’s mind it still means a lot to be thought of that highly by minhyuk, who he views as being so good at speaking and variety.. they both just admire each other a lot in that respect and i think its v good for each of them. also – im partially taking this from what i saw a friend say once, but i think minhyuk helps relieve shownu sometimes from the responsibilities of being a leader… shownu is a great leader i’ve said and explained it so many times but also as they said in the one mxray episode it puts a lot on his shoulders and although he is able to handle it well, i think minhyuk really helps to relieve it because he also acts as their leader in so many ways!! and showhyuk really has a soft spot in my heart bc out of all the members, i feel like shownu really loves minhyuk the way he is the most.. when he said during no exit broadcast that he actually loves it when minhyuk talks a lot.. that’s a statement that i think is beyond what many of the other members feel.. i think the way shownu and minhyuk are actually quite opposite really draws shownu into minhyuk and it’s honestly surprising to me how much shownu just.. loves him? he loves being physically close with minhyuk.. and im no Expert on shownu pairings but i rly dont observe shownu behaving that way with the other members as compared to how he … i wish i could make a gifset compilation of it i think about it all the time but shownu is always reaching out to hold minhyuk’s hand… there are so many subtle moments and honestly it’s almost always shownu initiating it.. and obviously the sweet bed scene from right now with minhyuk cuddling up to him, and also at the end of the liev minhyuk did a similar thing.. and how he lets minhyuk quite literally crawl onto him both during the liev, and the moment at isac.. it’s not even shownu just “tolerating” it or anything but whenever he has these physical interactions with minhyuk i can really see how much he loves it?? it’s something v unique to the two of them and i dont think any of the other members react the same way to minhyuk and like i said it’s just. i really feel like shownu loves minhyuk So Much the way he is… i lvoe them…

wonhyuk – THEYRE SOOO CUTE AN D FUNNIE FJDKSLFDS 2017 was a blessing in the wonhyuk vlives it gave us and it rly opened my perspective to their relationship which i honestly think is so complex beyond what im going to say i feel like… it’s hard for me to discuss abt them bc i think a lot of what im abt to say is a lot more my opinion and speculation than me actually having any idea what’s going on!! their relationship really just goes from one extreme to the other bc one one hand they are soo wild like.. they really have no physical boundaries.. when i was coming up with moments to put in my possessive minhyuk gifset i just kept on coming up with more wonhyuk moments i really considered just making it a wonhyuk gifset at one point bc i couldn’t come up with anything else?? a lot of it is minhyuk to wonho but sometimes even the other way around.. but their relationship is also v intimate emotionally? and this is where i sort of trip up and im not sure about a lot of things.. the obvious place to point is the radio show where wonho talked about each of the members and shared about how important minhyuk was to him and how much he had been leaning on and relying on him as a source of comfort… but beyond that it gets a bit fuzzy? it’s very fascinating to watch the two of them and how they support each other, whether its minhyuk encouraging wonho to speak up or during a meet and greet where minhyuk was starting to fret about his role as MC in the background and you could see wonho comforting him and telling him he was doing well.. i think that maybe they’ve shared with each other a lot on these sorts of topics and insecurities, and i think they both share a bit in that aspect (at least at that point in time) about being afraid to say the wrong thing and the way they both search for peoples’ approval.. but then 2017 hit!! and now they’re really just TWO CHILDREN FJDKLSFDS THEYRE SO CUUUTE the way they bicker with each other and i think its almost like they can both be as completely immature as possible with each other while knowing it’s reciprocated? the fact that wonho can say “i wish minhyuk would disappear” without any fear of misunderstanding or annoyance.. the way minhyuk cutely kept saying he wanted wonho to see him as a friend.. their dynamic is really so fascinating to me even moreso recently… also sidenote but it’s cute how wonho doesn’t like eating alone and i know minhyuk didn’t join him for that one vlive (i genuinely believe he was busy) but if u think back to the vlives they did together this year it was always minhyuk joining wonho to eat… :-( i feel like minhyuk rly understands when wonho is a bit needy and is happy to be there for him… like i said it’s hard for me to coherently put thoughts together about the two of them, i feel like i don’t have as strong of a grasp on their dynamic, but i would love to see more :D

kihyuk – Best!! Fucking!! Friends!! like i know im saying this abt every pairing but i truly feel that these two understand each other on some next level, they could literally share a glance and know what the other one is thinking.. minhyuk could tell kihyun to go fuck himself and kihyun would just laugh his ass off with the brightest happiest eyes like… fdjklsfds the video i just recently reblogged where minhyuk was like “kihyun was so good at acting but i hate so much when he gets into the role i hate him” and kihyuns reaction?? FOR WHY. .. WAS HE SO HAPPY FKDSJLFDS… the most important kihyuk thing to me is really just how well they fundamentally understand each other… with regards to minhyuk understanding kihyun, its actually just funny to me because minhyuk just gets so offended when anyone else tries to say Anything about kihyun because He Wants To Be The One To Talk About His Best Friend.. mxray ep6… everytime that psychoanalyst opened his mouth about kihyun minhyuk immediately butted in he wanted everyone to know that He knew the most he knew it all already.. he felt so relieved whenever the psychoanalyst guy said things he already knew.. minhyuk loves putting his thoughts on kihyun out there jfdkslfds but the more soft and meaningful example would be their second year anniversary video – the way minhyuk explained kihyuns role on the team is genuinely the most heartfelt and well worded explanation i’ve heard… even though it’s rly hard for minhyuk to show it he Knows how much kihyun does and respects and cares for him so much, looks after him silently.. and it’s very much so returned, bc kihyun is the only member who i’ve seen accurately pin down (several times) that minhyuk’s weak point or the thing that he wishes minhyuk would fix is that he overthinks his own performance, he overthinks variety and worries too much in many aspects.. while this is something minhyuk himself is also aware of i’ve never seen the other members bother to mention it but kihyun has talked abt it on several occasions and how he wishes minhyuk could be happier by not worrying so much and i think that shows so much about how well they understand each other and their emotions. it’s fascinating to me how much they’ve changed, they used to be so soft and cute with each other, but it’s grown to the point where they struggle being outwardly nice to each other with cameras around and minhyuk especially is so embarrassed to be honest and nice around kihyun but it works amazingly well between the two of them because kihyun is able to take whatever minhyuk throws at him and either throw it right back or just absorb it and be able to laugh because he Knows minhyuk’s true intentions? i’ve never seen either of them genuinely hurt the other with their sharp words despite all they do is bicker… i lvoe them … :( and kihyun also really just. loves minhyuk? as he is? they literally hang out All THe Time and i’ve said it before as has aleena how.. kihyun keeps on ditching the other members invites to hang out? but minhyuk keeps “complaining” about how kihyun always wants to do things and wherever he goes kihyun is stuck next to him?? they just naturally gravitate towards each other and i cant believe they’re gonna be friends into their next lifetime and that they’re gonna grow up with even their kids being best friends. god im sure i have more to say about them but their friendship is really on another level :-(

hyunghyuk – to be quite honest, a pairing im hesitant to talk about these days, moreso bc it make me uncomfortable the way people talk about them oftentimes? i know that im not one to talk abt them much on my blog but honestly ask any of my friends and they’ll tell u i have the biggest hyunghyuk tunnel vision anymore, like.. im hyperfocused on their interactions.. as an overarching picture, i think their friendship is truly something amazing – they’ve been friends since they were 19, possibly the longest friendship within monsta x, and despite being so very different from each other in so many ways they are able to be so close with such an intimate understanding between the two of them to the point where on one of hyungwons bday messages to minhyuk he said something along the lines of there was nothing more for them to know about each other but that he hopes they continue getting closer and learning more and being good friends.. Strong family vibes :-( while their relationship certainly seems different now than it was a year or two ago, i think that their close bond definitely remains, and i think it’s obvious that they still have massive respect and emotional ties between the two of them… i miss their many close interactions but especially over the past months i feel like they’re returning very much so to the way they used to behave :D

joohyuk – my brain is starting to fry and i think the Joohyuk TED Talk explained most of my feelings pretty well so.. for anyone who didn’t listen here’s the link to that!

changhyuk – my namesake!! :D I LOVE THESE BOYS.. tbh i think i wrote quite a bit about them fairly recently so im not sure if there’s gonna be many new thoughts here but… over the past few months my feelings regarding them have been in a WHIRLWIND i love them so much!! i feel like they’re very similar in so many ways and as such when they’re together they can truly do the craziest things but also have a brotherly bond together? i think i feel similarly to them the way i do about wonhyuk, so, similar to wonhyuk this explanation may not be very coherent or cohesive because it’s hard for me to place everything together. i used to rly think that changhyuk were just like.. fuckin wild.. fuckin out there… because they really do some of the most absurd things fdslfds they really practiced twerking and spanking each other during oi and did it on live stage..  with embarrassed but proud smiles.. they grinded against each other Many times during the most recent ISAC literally acting like they were at a club like.. why in the fuck FJDKLSFDS?? but the more i think about them the less that’s my focus on their relationship, like that’s certainly part of it (a funny and yes enjoyable part) but its so much more than that they are Literally so much like brothers to me and everytime i think of it it honestly brings me to tears because minhyuk really has this fondness and brotherly affection for changkyun that he doesn’t for the other members, and it’s not only apparent through his actions but his words.. but it’s not so much in a way that he views him as a child or anything, but that he just completely respects and trusts changkyun with so much? and he wishes for the same in return from him.. i feel like a lot of people overlook the small details between them, such as minhyuk saying that he goes to changkyun when he’s worried about something or needs to get something off of his chest? that he finds changkyun to be a good listener? and that he loves to lay with changkyun whether it be on their couch or on his bed and listen to changkyun’s stories, everything just throws off such warm and loving vibes and imo it’s Extremely different from minhyuk’s feelings or behaviors towards the other members. the thing that most strongly impacted me and i really cant stop thinking about was from their picnic fanmeeting, there was a vcr where they talked about the members when they weren’t listening and minhyuk very beautifully talked about how it was very obvious to him what changkyun’s emotions were at any moment in time, but changkyun is the type to bottle it up and not want to bother any of the members but how minhyuk wishes he would open it up to them because it’s okay? and he even related it back to his own brother, and how the two of them are the same age, and the entire conversation really just made me realize how much minhyuk views changkyun like his own brother and i :-(( it literally makes me cry.. minhyuk isn’t so much the type to dote on other people, but he does it so much with jooheon but also changkyun and with changkyun it is so much more subtle and often overlooked and it’s a shame! and, one final thing, is that changkyun is SO supportive of minhyuk i feel like he understands a lot of minhyuk’s insecurities (possibly as said above bc i feel like minhyuk opens up to changkyun about these topics a lot?) and openly acts to try to make minhyuk feel more comfortable .. in particular, i’ve been noticing recently how supportive changkyun is about minhyuk’s english which i think could be a point of insecurity for him and seeing changkyun encouraging him to speak in english and helping him and telling him he’s doing well .. small things like that are really good for minhyuk to receive because i feel like since minhyuk tends to come off as a very loud and proud and confident person, it often goes over the members’ heads how much he lives for praise and reassurance as well

[jcmorgenstern]

So far, do you prefer show Sebastian or book Sebastian and why? As compelling as I found book Sebastian, I am LOVING what the show is doing. He seems more humanistic and fleshed out as a character.

Hi anon!! Okay listen first I apologize because this ask is going to be very long and enthusiastic, because this is my favorite topic and I have so. many. thoughts on it.

So obviously, despite his uh, salient and penetrating flaws (both in his character and portrayal), I really am way too fond of book Sebastian. Especially when he is written as a more ambiguous figure (the beginning half of COLS) than an absolute maniac. He’s manipulative and dangerous, and alongside Jace seems to raise the question of “nature vs nurture.” Unfortunately the answer to the “nature vs nurture” debate that his story gives is the biggest problem I have with his portrayal and role in the story–everything is always tied back to his “demon blood,” which he cannot seem to overcome or escape. He is by nature evil, inhuman, subhuman even, at least in Clary’s eyes. If you read the cut scenes from City of Glass from his POV, even he doesn’t think of himself as human or understanding human things, and while it is implied somewhat thinly that this is at least partially due to his upbringing by Valentine, the narrative explicitly ties his failings as a character and a being to his blood. He is by nature evil, and cannot be anything but until the demon blood is burned away by heavenly fire.

The problem with this is that she spends the entire series showing us that “blood doesn’t matter,” both in terms of family ties and sins (the Morgenstern blood) or actual demon blood (the downworld). It borders on a plothole when you have Tessa born of a shadowhunter and a demon, being completely human and having none of Sebastian’s apparent natural evil. More troubling is the implication that nature is more important than nurture–Jace is not different from Sebastian because he was raised by the Lightwoods with compassion and love, but because he has angel blood. I could babble on even more about how Sebastian presents as psychopathic (ie devoid of empathy) and how attributing that to demon blood sort of throws all low-empathy people under the bus and ignores the fact that even someone completely devoid of empathy can be kind and sympathetic, but that would make this post waaaaay too fucking long so yeah.Anyway, my point is here that while I really love book Sebastian, I have a lot of problems with both how he’s written and the implications of how he’s portrayed, and the show changes pretty much everything I dislike. First, while the crispy-shapeshifter reveal initially threw me for the loop of the fucking century (if I hadn’t been in a library at the time I would have fucking screamed, lmao), it actually does fix the Tessa-Sebastian plothole problem and honestly fits even more closely with the facts established in TID. (I’m not here to rag on CC for not being able to somehow divine stuff she’d make up for later books, like that’s sort of stupid, but really just praising the show for creative use/manipulation of canon). We don’t really know….what exactly Sebastian’s “demon powers” include, but the shapeshifting stuff definitely falls in line with canon, and it also makes more sense in a technological world that he’d be able to fool the Clave into thinking he’s the real Sebastian Verlac.But more importantly they completely change the dynamic of his motivations, past, and the shape of his character arc. The show has consistently emphasized Jace’s trauma due to his abuse by Valentine (especially in 2a), and they also allow Sebastian the same thing. In fact, they really take it to ridiculous levels (instead of “beat one boy but not the other” they straight up send him to literal fucking hell), as if to slam your skull into the fact that Valentine Is An Abusive Dad (not that the fandom really…noticed lmao). At the core, show!Sebastian wants Valentine’s love more desperately than Jace ever does, and even his plot to “avenge” himself by sending Valentine to Edom quickly degenerates into demanding/begging for approval and any indication Valentine cares for him at all or regrets his actions. (More on the complexities of Valentine and how the Agony rune made him relive sending Jonathan to Edom as his worst memory at nine). Show Sebastian desperately wants some kind of love or affection, and that’s the most relatable/human motivation I personally can think of. He’s more complex–does he shove a kid off a bridge at age eight because he’s a psychopathic monster, or because he’s been raised to be a soldier with no empathy? (His justification that he wanted to test the theory of gravity is uh….laughably stupid, though. Google it next time, buddy). Even the really bad stuff like killing the real Sebastian, trying to kill Max, kissing his sister is reoriented. He kills the real Sebastian because he escapes captivity and he’ll do anything to get to Valentine (still not great but better than “lol i did it bc i could”), he actually could possibly have not meant to deal Max a killing blow (not sold on this one personally but Max doesn’t even fucking die so that really undercuts whatever emotional impact Max’s death even had to begin with), and the kiss was almost “I have no social skills because I spent like, ten years of my life in hell with demons and I don’t know I should opt for a tasteful hug instead.” Even his deeply disturbing obsession with Clary is reframed as a hope for any sort of love or redemption, which he’s sort of…creepily/naively shoved on her because she defends him to Jace.Also they make him extremely charming and manipulative and honestly Will just. Knocked that shit outta the ball park, also knocked me out of the ball park, I really love show Sebastian, he’s horrible and would probably open a portal to hell in a grocery store. Watching him stay loyal to Valentine while knowing deep down that Valentine is using him is really hard for my dumb ass, okay, and I am so so SO ready for season three and exploring how Lilith gives him what he’s always wanted (a parent who loves him), and what kinds of choices the showrunners have him make from here, he’s so much more complex and human than book Sebastian is and entirely driven by his past rather than some bullshit “demon blood” magically making him evil and anyway I’m ending this now because I don’t even want to know how many words this answer was. Anyhoo thank you so so much for the ask I really really enjoyed answering it, and hope you get something out of the….massive wall of text too??

[serenagaywaterford]

1) "except in the sense I took a leap and decided to do it from June’s POV instead" Holy shit! This gets better and better! Don't get me wrong, fic!Serena's voice is exceptional and I love it, but I do wonder what June's take on all of this is. "I’m worried I’ve made June too savvy and manipulative" From what we've seen so far in the fic, June seems incredibly in character to me. And ngl, the way June uses/plays Serena now that she has the upper hand/can (because Serena's infatuated) is one of

2) my favorite things. Serena seems to acknowledge (on some level) that June still hates her (and always will), but I’m not sure how much of an impact this has on her actions. Does she not care (bc she’s still selfish and puts her own needs/feelings first)? Is she not hurt by June’s nonchalant behavior? I feel like she is, but she understands that June’s way of acting is normal – given that Serena had been nothing but a dick to her.)

——-

Thank you very much and I HOPE I can uphold that. :DDDD I just feel… I dunno. June is so much more difficult in a lot of ways because she’s kind, empathetic, but also playing a dangerous game and is much more political/intelligent, and doesn’t have the same unhealthy mentality. Which should make her easier, but eh. I think my biggest hurdle is getting into her head about Nick, lmao. Like………………….. really, I have to channel that love for him, and it just the complete opposite to me in every single way imaginable. (Which is terrifying in a sense simply cos I don’t think I had as much issue getting to channel Serena and that crazy bitch is an extremist religious anti-feminist zealot terrorist and has literally beaten and raped June–which are all the complete opposite of me . But hey, being in love with Nick is just one step too far! I have my limits!! LMAO.)  It also is an issue cos I know he’s in love with her, but canon has not convinced me she is in love with him to the same degree. You know? Like she cares about him, she’s infatuated, and he’s very important to her, and brings her happiness and comfort and hope, but that sort of true love? Nah. I don’t see it, cos I also feel like June is more aware of her situation than Nick seems to be, because she’s a woman and she HAS to be painfully aware of the horrible reality of things. Also, well, she’s still fucking married lol. So, that’s my cross to bear writing June hahaha. She’s still trapped, she still may make iffy decisions. 

To me, June is someone who will do anything to save her kids. It doesn’t matter what, she’ll do it. She’ll put herself through hell, she’ll play dangerous mind games, she’ll risk her life, if there’s hope she can save them.

ANYWAY lol.

“Does she not care (bc she’s still selfish and puts her own needs/feelings first)? Is she not hurt by June’s nonchalant behavior? I feel like she is, but she understands that June’s way of acting is normal – given that Serena had been nothing but a dick to her.)”

A little bit from column a, a little bit from column b? ;) I think inherently Serena puts Serena first, no matter what she has to deny/convince herself of. Whether she really believes what she tells herself, well, that’s another issue. Like, it’s been taken down quite a few pegs from canon!Serena, who is like Pure Me All The Time. I think she can look and consider other people’s behaviour/feelings but still, at the very root of things, she’s worried about herself. I think the ability to finally put aside that selfishness and recognise it, and actively work against that bad habit is growth. I think (or at least I hope) it comes across later in the fic that she’s trying to deal with June’s attitude/nonchalance/distance because it does hurt, and she does want something more solid. But also that she must accept that she can’t be so selfish and sometimes other people have to come first (June, Nichole, etc.). Ah, well… sorta. 

To me, that’s what’s fun about writing Serena. I don’t have to make her perfect and she’s a straight up bitch, sometimes, who thinks she’s so much smarter, and she only sees herself and I can express that idiocy. But then also try to tackle how she copes with someone who sees right through that, and isn’t the perfect match. Cos June isn’t stupid, she doesn’t walk around with rose-coloured glasses on. She’s a bit… well, even in the show, she has quite a large weak spot when it comes to Serena for some reason, but she’s not a doormat and she fights back in all sorts of ways. And June also doesn’t strike me as someone who would forget things. She may go so far as to forgive, at least partially (just even for her own peace of mind), or even repress bad shit just to cope, but never quite get over it entirely. I personally believe June would carry around anger, resentment, etc. Even if she doesn’t want to, or even if she doesn’t quite know what she’s doing. How can you not really? Nobody is that forgiving and perfect. (Nor do I think June should be. You can’t forgive some of that shit. At all.)

And that’s frustrating for someone like Serena who apparently feels a great sense of entitlement to basically everything ever lol.

In my ficverse, Serena has some understanding that June isn’t all peaches and rainbows, and will always have some resentment towards her. Sometimes that morphs into a paranoia, sometimes it hurts, sometimes it’s ignored, sometimes it disappears, sometimes it doesn’t matter, sometimes she just accepts it. People do reach breaking points though when they have enough, especially when they feel hurt…