#but then hearing him talk and his hairy chest and his tired face with 4 oclock shadow 👀

[gortass-romance-when]

The four stages I went through falling for that gortass

[blueroan-equestrian]

Yawne 4

@ok-boke @Isazelhmann

This is probably the worst of them but I tried to keep it interesting.

….

My belly grew the baby was strong. I was only seven and a half months when I looked full term.

Aonung laid next to me with his hands on my belly, “Yawne… we should have my mother take look at you, I’m worried.”

We became increasingly concerned and our mothers whispered to each other debating what it could mean. I sat in the medical hut between my husband’s legs with his hands on my belly as we waited for them to decide a plan.

When they came back, they looked forlorn. Ronal spoke seriously, “I know this is going to be difficult to hear but due to the size the baby appears to be. We think it’s best that we introduce the baby now.”

I shake my head, “no… no, it’s not time.”

Aonung kisses my shoulder, “Perhaps she is right, it could still survive if it is this big… but if not… we can always just try again… Eywa will decide if we are ready. I can’t lose you.”

Tears pricked at my eyes, “No! I feel our baby inside of me. They are strong.”

“Then Eywa will help them live. But sweetheart, we must induce” mother whispers quietly.

“Please no Aonung! Tell them no. Our baby is safe inside of me.” I pleaded as tears fell down my face.

His arms held me tight as he placed a kiss upon my head, “Yawne, the baby is already becoming too big for your body, it’s time. Please Yawne, everything will be okay… but most importantly we need you to be safe… please let them induce… please I can’t lose you.”

“Aonung!” I cried, “Aonung, our baby!”

He peppered my head with kisses, “it will be okay, Yawne. Just take the medicine they give you… it’ll all work out.”

I mournfully agreed. The pain was excruciating. The baby was having trouble coming out and needed to be assisted. The blood involved was incredibly horrifying. But once out the baby cried but it was quiet. Ronal held up the baby and smiled, “It’s a girl! And look at her she’s big for you, small for us, and she isn’t even full term. She is strong, but she has some ways to go. We will watch her closely. She will grow stronger.”

She placed the girl who was between our own colors on my chest . Her arms a little bigger than a forest Navi but smaller than the ones here. A paddle like tail and beautiful curls. She blinks the eyes that could only be her father’s. “Aonung, look at her, she looks so much like you.”

He stroked back my hair, “she has your beauty. And look at those cheeks… good job Yawne.”

…

Aonung held our baby as I rested and while I rested I could hear him talking to his mother, “she was only a little over seven months and this labor was still so hard for her… she won’t be able to do this again will she?”

His mother was quiet for just a moment, “It was very difficult on her… but this is a discussion that the two of you should be having. Discuss the situation and consider a vasectomy… the first child is usually the smallest baby…”

“I want to get it done. I don’t want to risk anything.”

“Talk to her first, I know that you are worried, but this is a decision you have to make together.”

…

I was too exhausted to pipe up so just drifted off to sleep. I woke up to our little baby girl, Natsiri, breastfeeding.

“Sorry I didn’t want to wake you up… how are you feeling?” Aonung whispered sitting next to us in our bed.

“Tired…achy… confused…” I trailed off.

Aonung reached out to pet my hair back, “Confused about what, Yawne?”

“You and your mother…”

“Oh… you heard… well, I think it would be best for me to get cut… I don’t want it to get worse than this… I just… I’m not strong enough… do you understand?”

I looked down, “I do… but I loved being pregnant… but I know it got hairy…”

He gave a tight lipped smile, “So…. You know… what do you think about me getting snipped?”

I looked down at our baby, “I don’t know… can’t we just take precautions? I mean, don’t you want more?”

“Of course I do, but not at the cost of your well being. Ma Yawne, I guess for now we can just take precautions but we need to keep consistent. Track all your cycles, and all that stuff… I don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t, Ma Aonung, I’m right here.” I cooed

He smiled and leaned forward and kissed me deeply, “Yes you are my Yawne. I hope that we grow together and never part.”

…. I did get pregnant one more time but this time I was watched much closer and our son came into the world just as strong as his sister.

[qissu]

JJK men and their turn ons and offs ⊹requested

a/n: I just want to apologize in advance, i don’t know what direction this post was heading in lol, some are short and some are long so sorry about that

cw: nsfw, too tired to add the rest

TOJI ⊹ ons

Goes crazy when your stretched across the bed in your underwear, caressing  your ankle before slowly moving up.

"Why are you always tempting me, did you forget I have no self control?"

His hands will work their way up, between your thighs, rubbing on your cellulite as he goes to pull down your underwear, massaging your ass.

 He'll leave love bites on each cheek, making them deep enough to make you gasp out. "Oh, don't make those sounds, I'll go feral."

Loves fucking you in your sleep

He has a somnophilia kink. Using your tired mouth to force it open with his dick, slow and deep strokes as his dick twitches in your mouth.

The sound of his dick squelching as your saliva lubes his dick up, hitting the back of your throat until he cums down it. Making sure you swallow his cum.

TOJI ⊹ offs

Doesn’t like pegging at all

Toji loves being on top and in control, he does the bending. So every few times during sex when your hand slips near his ass he’ll clench his ass cheeks, you’ll laugh and watch as his face turns sour.

“Come on, it’s an honest mistake!” 

“An honest mistakes doesn’t happen 3-4 times in one night!”

With his dick still inside of you the both of you will bicker back and forth until he calms down. 

Doesn’t like when you shave as much, prefers you to trim

Toji doesn’t care what shape or form your pussy takes he hates that when during sex he can feel the shaved hair growing back, it feels like sandpaper. Whenever you talk about shaving he’ll always convince you to only trim it. Just let the man eat your pussy the way it is, hairy/trim. 

GOJO ⊹ ons

Cowgirl

When your on top it’s a show, from your chest/breast bouncing, the way your nipples perk up and become hard. How your hands are planted on his torso as your mouth hangs open, he loves it all, especially when your enjoying yourself on his dick.

 “Awh the little brat needed dick that bad?” 

He’ll mock you as you grind down on the tip. “Milking me for all I’m worth, such a good slut.”

GOJO ⊹ offs

Fake moaning

This discourages him and he hates that type of feeling, it’s like a pity win in his book. He needs to know that you’re enjoying yourself and honest feedback is important, whether you want him to go deeper or try a different position to make it feel better.

 “Uh uh, don’t do that...let me hear how you really sound.”

GETO  ⊹ ons 

Voyeurism

Into watching you get fucked in all your holes by gojo, he loves sloppy seconds, the way his dick becomes coated with gojo’s cum as he easily slides in your creamy filled hole. 

“Ah, your a slut for another dick besides mine?”

He’ll jerk off to you getting fucked before he takes over. 

“Open wide, and swallow without spilling it.”

GETO ⊹ offs

Cross dressing

Totally hates it, especially after that one time you had him dressed in a maid outfit, once he looked in the mirror and saw how stupid he looked, he took it off and threw the outfit away.

“Suguru you look fine!”

“You’re only doing this to get a few laughs in.” He eyes you down before walking out the room. You couldn’t help but laugh at his response.

NANAMI  ⊹ ons

Praise kink

Loves when you fill him up with compliments. this drives him wild, making him cum even more. Especially when you play with his dick, sucking on the tip as you keep eye contact.

“You taste so good.” You said as you run your hands up and down his torso, feeling his dick twitch in your mouth.

NANAMI  ⊹ offs

Spanking

Doesn't like to be spanked on the ass, it always catches him by surprise and makes him flinch. One time you spanked him during sex and it left a mark for a couple of days. He has very sensitive skin. 

“I- I just don’t like it as much, but I’m down for anything else.”

CHOSO ⊹ ons

Gripping his ass

He loves how you grab a handful of his ass or dig your nails into his cheeks, he knows you love it because when he does deep strokes your grip becomes tighter.

 “It feels that good?”

Watching you moan

He can’t keep his eyes off your lips, the way you moan his name as he goes balls deep, making you beg for a good fuck.

“Cho- choso.”  Listening to his name being spoken from your lip as you struggle to speak it out.

CHOSO ⊹ offs

Silent sex

Like who told you to be quiet? it irritates him because he doesn’t know if your enjoying yourself or if he’s in too deep, he associates your silence to that of a dead body and it’s a buzzkill for him.

“Just make any type of noise, I don’t care...I need to know that it’s alright.”

Piss kink (mahito might like this tho)

Do not give this man a golden shower unless you’re ready to die over it, he will lose his shit if sex turns completely left.

MAHITO ⊹ ons 

Virgin sex

Has a deep seated fetish when it comes to virgins, the only type of people he are interested in. Breaking their body and making their pussy/ass beg for his dick as they slowly turn into a sex fuel sex addict. He’ll use sex to have a hold over anyone. Always telling them that their his first as well.

MAHITO ⊹ offs

Don’t want to be rough

Being rough is who he is, he isn’t into slow and passionate sex, he hates intimacy. He wants to fuck rough and balls deep. It makes his dick soft when you say no to rough sex.

“Why are you so inconsiderate to my needs?”

Mans will gaslight you into rough sex. 

[sillyrabbit81]

Her Heavy Cross

Summary: Three years after tragedy hits, Lana she decides to start dating again. She meets Will through a dating app and they begin an online romance. After months of constant requests, Lana relents and agrees to meet and go on an irl date with Will. But is Will who he says he is? Lana is quickly pulled into an intense relationship forcing her to confront her tragic past. Will Lana face it or will she close her heart forever?

Pairing: OMC x OFC

Word Count: Approx 2.5k

Warnings: Swearing, smut, spanking, Dom vibes.

Authors Note: The story started as a Henry Cavill fanfiction but I changed it to be an original character, but shades of Henry are still there. Hope you enjoy the story and thanks for reading.

Part 8 Part 10

Part 9

We went to bed not long after that. I think we were both tired from staying up late the night before. Liam went to bed in his underwear, and I wore a singlet and PJ shorts. We talked some more before we fell asleep.

I asked Liam a bit more about his work. He told me the next two weeks were costume fitting, rehearsals, fight training and a few media events. "It's more of a nine to five thing at the moment. It'll be different after Easter when filming starts."

"How is it different?"

"Really long hours, usually fourteen to sixteen hours. There are a few weeks where I'm not needed, though. Although I'm the male lead, the female role is the central one."

"Who is the actress?"

"Myra Roberts."

"Oh, she's Australian."

"Yeah, most of the cast is Australian. I'm the ring in. I'm for, and I'm quoting here, international appeal and name recognition."

Liam asked me about my job. "I told you most of it before," I replied.

"You told me what you did, but you didn't tell me about it."

I told him about my work in a mainstream school support classroom. Most of the kids have cerebral palsy and intellectual disabilities. The classes are small. I was teaching a combined year 3 and 4 class.

Without mentioning specifics or names, I told him some funny stories about the kids, some of the challenges they faced. Some of the feel-good moments when they finally achieved goals they were working towards. Some of the goals were as simple as being able to feed themselves or to write more than a few lines without tiring.

I opened up and told him about the girl who passed away from aspiration pneumonia the first year I was teaching full time. She was in a wheelchair and had a genetic disorder that required ventilation at night. I smiled as I talked about her. I wasn't surprised when a tear rolled down my cheek.

"It's tough, but I love it. I like knowing that the kids get to have a real school experience, be part of the whole school community. They go on excursions, go to assembly, play at lunchtime with the other kids and its good that the mainstream kids grow up with people with disabilities around them. They get to be kids, not hidden away from the world like they were in the past."

Liam wiped my tear away with his thumb. He asked tenderly, "why do you do it?"

"Why do you act?" I asked rhetorically. "It's a calling, a passion, I guess. It's like nine days out of 10, I go home from school happy. Feeling like I've achieved something and feeling like I've supported eight kids to achieve their own small victories. It makes me feel satisfied that I'm doing good in the world. You know, adding something positive."

"That's really beautiful," Liam said. Then he laughed, "It makes what I do feel ridiculous. All I do is play make-believe all day."

"You help people too; you make us feel things. You show us truth and beauty. Give us hope when we feel hopeless. Laughter when we are sad. Make us inspired instead of apathetic. It's no small thing. Our scale is different, that's all. You can effect millions of people for a short time. I aim to effect maybe a hundred people over my career for the rest of their lives. Both are noble causes that will help to leave the world in a better place than when we found it."

"Did I say that you were intelligent earlier?" Liam asked. I shook my head. "I should have."

"Is that more important than being an excellent shag?"

"I don't know about that." Liam laughed, "But I know I like it."

Not long after that, we fell asleep.

When I woke up the next morning, I was trapped by Liam's heavy arm over me, and his hand was cupping one of my breasts. He was still asleep. His breathing was long and deep with a soft snore. I didn't want to disturb him, but my bladder wouldn't wait.

I tried to lift his arm off me and climb out from underneath him, but he pulled me closer. I could feel his morning erection against my bum. As much as I wanted to snuggle into it, I couldn't wait. I lifted his arm again, and I was able to sneak out.

I went to the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and washed my face. Then hopped back into bed. I looked at Liam while he slept. I brushed his hair off his forehead. His dark hair was so thick and soft. He had a few lines on his forehead that just seemed to make him appear more manly. His eyelashes seemed even longer as they laid against his cheeks. Up close, I could see a few faded freckles scattered across his cheeks and nose.

I traced my finger down his nose. He had a slight bump on the bridge. Somehow it didn't make him less attractive. His lips were so kissable, and I couldn't resist touching them either. I ran my fingertip down further, tracing his lips and then down to his dimpled chin. Liam opened his eyes and nearly made me shit myself when he growled and tried to bite my finger.

"Cunt!" I cried in shock, pulling my finger away.

Liam's face took on his own look of shock at my language. Then he laughed and tried to kiss me. I turned my head.

"Nuh-uh. You scared me half to death. How long have you bloody been awake for?"

"A while." He admitted, still smiling. My heart was racing, so I gave him a look exaggerating my anger. "Come on, Sweetheart. That was funny."

"Don't Sweetheart me. Here I was, innocently laying in bed thinking about how gorgeous you are. Meanwhile, you're laying there thinking wouldn't it be funny if I scared the shit out of her." I was trying not to smile, but I'm sure he could tell I wasn't really mad.

"You called me a cunt, though, so I guess we are even."

"That's a term of endearment in Australia." I grinned widely.

"Really?" Liam raised his eyebrows, looking dubious.

"Yeah, for sure. You'd say something like 'Oi mate! You're a sick cunt'." I was enjoying this.

"Which means?"

"Hey, friend! You're a good person, and I like you."

"I'll stick to calling you Sweetheart if that's ok?"

"Alright, cunt."

"Just bring your bum over here so I can fuck your cunt," Liam said, reaching for me.

My stomach flipped, and I felt myself getting aroused. Liam manhandled me onto my stomach and climbed on top of me. His bare hairy chest tickled my shoulders. I could feel him hard, thick and ready against me.

"Let's see if your tight little cunt is ready for me." Liam forced his hand down the front of my shorts. His fingers found their way to my centre, and I moaned as his fingers easily slid between my folds, my desire evident by how wet I was. He slipped a finger into me and my muscles clenched around it.

Too quickly, he removed his hand. Liam's wet fingers made their way to my mouth. "Open up, Sweetheart. Taste how much you want me." My lips parted for him, and he shoved his finger in. I closed my mouth around it, and my tongue lapped the sweet taste of my arousal.

Liam withdrew his finger, and his weight lifted off my back. I turned my head to see what he was doing and saw the condom in his hands. I continued to look over my shoulder as Liam dragged his underwear down, leaving them on his thighs. He held himself at the base and used the other to apply the condom. I watched in fascination as Liam rolled the condom down his shaft, his head was down, and his shoulders were hunched over the task. I really wanted to watch him masturbate one day.

When he was finished, he grabbed my hips and wrenched me up by them until I was on my knees. My head was still on the bed, and I was forced to look away by the new position. My shorts were pulled down my thighs. There was nothing gentle about Liam this morning. Then I panicked, realising how on display I would be. I tried to lay back down, but his firm hands gripped my hips, keeping me in position.

"Don't move," Liam ordered roughly. His hands moved from my hips, and he ran his hand over the curve of my bottom. "You should see yourself from this angle, Sweetheart."

He pressed his hand against my slit and put two fingers straight in. I jumped in surprise, pulling away as his thick fingers stretched me. I felt a sting on my arse cheek, and I flinched in pain.

"I told you not to move. Move again, and you'll get another one." Liam's voice was stern. He rubbed the spot he had just spanked, soothing it.

I waited, not moving, for what seemed like an eternity. The anticipation was killing me. I wanted to move, to tell Liam to stop, but I also wanted to scream at him to hurry up. I needed him inside me. Then I felt the tip of his cock rub against my wet opening, sliding smoothly up and down. Every time it grazed my clit, my anticipation built.

"Please," I murmured.

"Please what? Tell me what you want."

I licked my lips. "I want your cock."

I heard Liam inhale through his teeth. "I'm not going to be gentle."

"I don't care."

I felt Liam position himself at my entrance, and it was all the warning I had. Suddenly he was in me all the way. "Fuck," I cried out in relief and pain.

Liam didn't wait for me to adjust to his size. He started ramming into me like a piston. His hands were back on my hips, pulling me onto him with each thrust. The slap of our bodies meeting was so loud it was nearly all I could hear.

Grabbing my shoulder, Liam lifted me on my knees until our bodies were flush. He grabbed my head and turned it to the side. His lips met mine, and he forced his tongue into my mouth. His kiss devoured me, consuming me completely. His other hand lifted my singlet, freeing my breasts, and he kneaded one roughly before he found my nipple. He gripped me and pinched hard, but I barely felt it. My body reacted to the pain as though it was a pleasure, and electricity seemed to flow through my veins as my whole body felt ablaze.

Liam wrapped his fingers around my neck. The pressure was only slight, but it felt dangerous. He was so strong. If he wanted to destroy me, he could, and there would be nothing I could do about it. Instead of terrifying me, the thought thrilled me. I knew it was insane, wanting to play at the edge, confusing fear and arousal, but the combination was intoxicating.

He broke our kiss. I felt his lips tickle at my ear, and his voice was husky with exertion. "You fucking love this, don't you?"

"Yes," I panted. My voice was ragged and breathy. "Yes, I fucking love it."

I was thrown down on the bed again. My arse still in the air, and my head was pushed down into the bed. Liam held me that way while he unrelentingly pounded me. I felt like a plaything, a toy for his pleasure, as he threw me around where he wanted me. I felt helpless, but I didn't fight him. I submitted to his desires, knowing my body gave him pleasure was its own reward. I let him use me, dominate me, own me, and I knew I would beg for it to happen again and again.

He wasn't completely selfish though, his other hand found my clit, fingers moving over it in rapid little circles. "I need you to cum, Lana. I need to feel you cum."

He played with me varying his speed and firmness. He seemed to understand my body, my moans, my breathing because quickly, he found the rhythm I needed. I shattered beneath his touch. I shouted into the sheets as my release ripped through me. Liam didn't stop rubbing me until I was still.

Giving me no time to recover, Liam continued to rail me, but now he seemed to move impossibly fast. His fingers were digging into my hips, rocking them violently against his thrusts. I felt him engorge, and I braced myself for his release.

"Fuck!" Liam's voice thundered as I felt him pulse inside me. He held my hips still, his movements controlling his orgasm now. He grunted as he made each of his final drives.

Liam finally collapsed next to me, withdrawing himself as he did. I fell to the bed, unable to hold my own weight now that he wasn't holding me up. I took deep, calming breaths, and slowly I felt my strength return.

Shyly, I looked over at Liam. He was on his back, his chest heaving. A sheen of sweat glistened over his body in the morning light. He saw me peeking at him, and he half-smiled. A giggle escaped my lips.

"What are you laughing at?" He sounded amused.

"Nothing, I just feel really..." I didn't know exactly how I felt. I was sore, but that good way you feel sore after a hard workout. I was also calm, relaxed and euphoric. "Content."

"You really liked it?" I nodded. "I'm not too rough?" I shook my head. "Good, cause that was fucking amazing."

I giggled again and looked away. I felt Liam's fingers caress my back. My singlet was still pulled up, and my shorts were still around my ankles. He moved on the bed, and I felt him shuffle closer.

"Your bum's got a perfectly shaped red handprint on it. Did I slap you that hard?" He asked with a hint of concern.

"Yeah, it was hard. Good hard. I mark pretty easily." I turned to face him. He was laying on his side, his elbow bent and his head rested on his hand. He was looking down at my bare bottom, rubbing the spot where he marked me. "Bruises also show up pretty bad. They usually look worse than they feel. I rarely remember where I got them."

"You'll need a safe word if we keep this up." Liam looked up. He smiled briefly when he saw I was looking at him. "I don't want to go too far and really hurt you."

"Yeah, it's probably a good idea." I rolled over and laid on my back. I lifted my hips and put my shorts back on. Liam leaned down to kiss my exposed nipple before helping me pull my singlet back down. He laid his head on my chest, and I played with his soft hair, curling it around my fingers.

"Any ideas?" He asked. "For a safe word, I mean."

"Freeze?" I suggested.

Liam was quiet for a moment before nodded in agreement. "Freeze," he repeated. "I like it."

Part 10

[demivampirew]

Keep Calm and go to London chapter 18

The story is about Henry, not Geralt (only using this gif because it fits perfectly for this chapter)

Synopsis: This is the story of (y/n), a successful actress,  musician, musical producer and songwriter. After battling depression and  breaking up a long relationship, she seeks for a change of air,  escaping LA for a while going to visit some friends in London and there  she meets Henry. -Disclaimer: some chapters are mostly smut.

Previous Chapters:

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5 (smut)

Chapter 6

Chapter 7 (smut)

Chapter 8 (smut/roleplay)

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12 (smut)

Chapter 13

Chapter 14 (smut)

Chapter 15

Chapter 16 (smut/ s&m) Chapter 17

Triggers:   Smut (I know, too much smut chapters 😁 😂 🤣 , but this chapter needed to have smut, you’ll see why 😜 ); mention of rape, sex trafficking and panic attacks (while talking about a movie; only mention those words, not describing anything them in any way)

Tag list:  Here’s the incredible people who showed me support (thank  you    so  much for that) and people who asked me to tag them too  ☺️   (I    think  I will write a few chapters of this story, if you want me to  tag     you, tell me ☺️   ) @cavillanche @mary-ann84 @henry-owns-these-tatas @yespolkadotkitty @dancingwendigo   constip8merm8     penwieldingdreamer iloveyouyen  littlefreya  wondersofdreaming    alyxkbrl solariumss  sweetybuzz25 @thethirstyarchive @agniavateira   @honeyloverogers @hell1129-blog   @lunedelorient​  @michelle-1185​  

During quarantine, Henry spend lots of time cooking delicious meals, bread and desserts for the two of you. He pretended not to be good, but low key you knew that he wanted compliments because his food was freaking fantastic and you were sure he knew that already. He was in the kitchen preparing cookies for you an afternoon snack. Meanwhile, you entertained him dancing around, there were some real dance moves there, but mostly silly things that you did intend to make him laugh. Lizzo's "Juice", Nicky Minaj's "Anaconda", Rihanna's "Bitch better have my money", Bruno Mars's "24K Magic" were some of the songs you choose to perform for him. You closed your little show with N*Sync's "Bye bye bye" which make him laughed so hard that Kal barked at him. He mentioned that in his youth he made a movie with Joey Fatone and you were green with envy because you used to be a N*Sync fangirl when you were little. - What was he like? - you asked - Oh, he's great! Cool guy. If I ever cross paths with him again, I'll invite him to hang out so you can meet him too. - he replied - Oh yeah, baby. That'd be a childhood dream come true. - Have you ever meet one of your idols? - he questioned curiously - Hmm... yeah, I met Slash, he's now a friend of mine. He gave me guitar lessons. - You learned to play the guitar with Slash from Guns n' Roses? - he repeated your words as a question due to the surprise revelation - No. I was already pretty good. He gave me lessons on how to improve my guitar solos. It was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! I've learnt so much with him and improved drastically my habilities. - you explained - I've also met Duff and he is cool too. I met Nikolaj Coster-Waldau from Game of Thrones, he's one of the sweetest people I've ever met. I met my now friend Annie (Hathaway), which you must already know because we worked together in my first acting role and she is a mentor, she truly helped me a lot to become a good actress. - you paused, thinking and after a few moments continued.- I've met Robert De Niro, he played my dad in the movie that you didn't see - previously you have had a conversation in which he confessed to having seen three on the four movies that you made in your short but successful career as an actress. You advised him not to watch the movie, because you played a woman caught in sex trafficking and there were a lot of rape scenes and you thought he may be affected to see you like that, even you had panic attacks after filming that movie and never watched again after the premiere. You couldn't even see Cillian Murphy anymore, another co-star in that movie, because he was the villain and there was a much graphic scene in which his character raped yours. "Only the twisted mind of Darren Aronofsky could come with a story dark as that one," you told Henry laughing because you liked the director, he was a good man, but with a weird taste for disaster and dark psychology-.  You talked about meeting people that you admire and he mentioned Russell Crowe, Tom Cruise and Guy Ritchie, among others. As you predicted, the cookies were delicious. Your boyfriend was, definitely, the perfect man. Not only he was the sweetest, you two never fought, but he was also an amazing lover - he even made out a rule that you that to tell him if you didn't have an orgasm (or wanted more) so he could take care of that because those moments were made so both of you could have a great time and not just him. And, on top of all of that, he cooked for you amazing dishes and desserts. He was the definition of perfection. - Someday you're going to get tired of cooking for me and that'd be my doom. - you pointed out as you ate the tasteful cookies. - Not at all. I'll never get tired of cooking for the woman I love. - he assured you smiling. You chocked with the cooking you were eating and recover a few seconds later and starred at his face with an expression of full shock in yours. - What did you say? - you demanded him to repeat his words - What? I've said that I love cooking for the woman I love.- he repeated without understanding what was wrong with his words. - "The woman you love"? Do you love me? -you asked astonished - Absolutely.- he admitted with a smile on his face- I've been in love with you practically since the time I asked you to be my girlfriend, I just thought that you were going to think I was crazy and was too soon for saying the L word. - I felt the same way. I wanted you to be the first to say it. -you confessed him. - So, we are in love with eachother.- he confirmed with happiness written on his face; the kind of happiness that a child would experience on Christmas day if he/she received exactly what was expecting. You stood up from the table and run into his arms, as he embraced you for your first kiss after knowing that you were in love. Hours later, Henry was back again in the kitchen. This time he was planning to prepare dinner for him since you told him the cookies made you feel full and you didn't want to eat anything else for the day. He was preparing everything that he needed, when you showed up in the kitchen wearing nothing but translucid bran with pastel green colour and white flowers on it. The bra was delicate and made your breasts look amazing. You also wear a white thong and white stockings and stiletto heels pumps. You left Henry speechless. You got closer to him, put your arms around his neck a started to kiss him. You could feel his hands sliding through your back reaching your ass and grabbing it. That made you laughed and he joined you. You looked at his eyes and suggested him to take things to bed. You indicated that you couldn't wait anymore to properly celebrate the fact that you loved each other. He picked you up, holding you by your thighs and walked to the bedroom. He left you on the bed as he turned to close the door and took his clothes off. He got on the bed and then slowly slid your thong and then throw it away. Grabbing you by your thighs, he began to pleasure you with his mouth. He loved to stroke your clit with his tongue, grabbing it and sucking it as well. He could do that for long periods. You were used to him putting his fingers inside your underwear and make you cum over and over. He'd do that at least three or four times per week -without counting that you had sex every single night and some mornings as well. He always wanted to take you and satisfy his desires but also wanted to make you happy. He couldn't get enough of you, and the feeling was mutual. You could feel him tasting you, after several orgasms, you were dripping wet. He climbed on top of you and kissed you, grabbing your lips with his. He grabbed a condom from the nightstand and after putting it on, he put his member inside of you, making you burned inside. It felt so good. He would go from slow movements to really fast pound. He had both of his hands on the mattress and your's were on his neck. He would separate his mouth from yours from time to time only to be able to kiss your neck and breasts. He knew how much you needed the touch of his sweet lips on yours; to feel his tongue dancing inside your mouth. You put your arms on his back and dug your fingers on his back, followed by your nails scratching his back. That made him insane. He had shaved two days before that moment, but his beard started to grow again. He also left he moustache to grow. It was still on its early stages, but still made you tingle and it felt so amazing, especially when he was with his head between your legs. He made you stood up from the bed and then grabbed you by your thighs once more, as you entwined your arms around his neck and he started to thrust you. Your body was on flames. The fact that he was strong enough to fuck you while holding you amazed you. For moments, you would free one of your hands just to stroke his arm, as his muscles tense. He sat on the edge of the bed and continued to pound you, buried himself inside of you deeper and deeper each time. You pushed his back against the mattress, kissed him with burning passion and then started to ride him, placing your hands on his majestic hairy chest. Then, you enlaced your hands with his while you continue to move up and down his cock. He pulled your hands into his lips, kissing both of them, one at the time. You put your chest against his and whispered on his ear "You're mine, baby. You're mine and I'm yours", he looked into your eyes. Just as he thought he couldn't want you more, you told him everything he wanted to hear, that you were his. He remembered at that moment that if he wasn't for your ex, he'd been the only man you have been with. That thought made him feel both jealous and lucky at the same time. Another man had you before him, but he intended to be the only man you'll be with for the rest of his life. You were his. He wasn't the kind of man that would treat you as an object, as something that could belong to him, but you were his woman, he loved you and would make sure that you'll want him forever over anybody else because he could not stand the idea of losing you. You were his angel and he would love you and protect you and hopefully make you as happy as you made him. Life with you was a paradise. You woke up due to the need to drink some water. You had your head pressed against Henry's chest. You had sex until the sunrise. You felt so tired after that amazing night. You checked your phone to see the time and to your surprise, it was midday. You got up and decided to prepare lunch for the two of you. You starred at him for a moment before leaving the bedroom. Seeing him sleep so peaceful felt like a warm hug. You were so lucky. He was amazing and he loved you as much as you loved him.

[heckinhacker]

hello ♥ nfsw alphabet with yasuo?

Yasuo’s NSFW Alphabet! 

A= Aftercare (what they’re like after the act)

I imagine Yasuo as someone who deeply believes in aftercare. No matter if it is one night stand or official thing, he always is there to help get cleaned up and so on. He gently rubs your skin with wet cloth to slightly clean you up, kissing your cheek and saying how amazing you were for him. If you need something? Just ask, he’ll be eager to get it for ya.

B= Body part (favorite body part their own or their lovers)

His favourite part of his own body are abs, he worked pretty long darn time for them and always keeps them out to kind off show off. 

As for yours body, he loves your lips. He adores the taste after anything you lately drank or ate, he loves how you smile when he’s gentle with you, he can’t get enough of these dirty little sounds you let out of those lips. They’re his everything. 

C= Cum (anything that has to do with it)

Anything, huh? Welp. Yasuo always makes sure you cum first, but when you drive him to the edge enough sometimes he happens to cum first. Oops! But that’s okay.He’s always UP for next round. ;)

D= Dirty secret (Pretty self explanatory)

The worst of his dirtiest secrets is that he jerked off to thoughts of you even before you became a couple and he developed feelings to you. Still didn’t mentioned that in front of anyone-

E= Experience (do they know what they’re doing)

I’m pretty sure Yas is experienced. He’s handsome, sometimes in his jounrneys he happened to just have one night stands before. He’s good.

F= Favorite position

“The Lazy man”. He’s notorously tired and he enjoys you taking advantage of him - using him. You mostly move in this position and he can watch you peacefully and feel everything.

G= Goofy (how serious are they)

He can joke around to make you chuckle or smile, even laugh, but as you try to get intimiate, he preffers things to be more passionate and serious.

H= Hair (grooming habits)

He’s hairy. He has hairy arms, legs, chest, vital parts. He’s hairy. If you don’t like that, he can take care of his vital hairs, but not to get rid of them completly. Just...cosmetical changes. 

I= Intimacy (in the moment romantic or rough/dirty)

He’s more romantic type! He loves to be delicate and treat you like someone better, like royality, someone saint. Though he can get rough when he was lately jellaous over you. Plus, he’s best in dirty talk when drunk. He just spills everything he fantasizes about you. He’s the worst. 

J= Jack off (do they masturbate and how often)

He does. Pretty often. He sometimes can be needy. He does that especially when he has to part ways with you for some time for his reasons. 

K= Kink (kinks what they like possibly unusual)

Roleplay - he enjoys taking some other roles. Be that one guard who managed to catch him and punish him, like an escaper he is. He can be servant who dominates over next-to-be-on-throne person. Many, many scenarios he would enjoy trying! He has big imagination since he reads romance and smut novels a lot! 

He unnaturally loves your lips. He pretty often would use them to insert his fingers into your mouth to see how your lips move with his fingers. He really gazes into you when you suck him off too. 

Pull his hair when you’re close to orgasm, he’ll feel that doubled, inside you and with his head, literally. Great feeling. Can I count that as a kink? 

L= Location (where they like to get it on)

Mostly it’s in one of yours room, but...

He’d love to do that in the forest. It’s quiet, you have this feeling of being alone, but there is danger of someone just being there by accident. It’s exciting and it’s mixed with being around nature. 

M= Motivation (things that makes them tick/turn ons)

Lipslipslipslips- Make erotic face with your thumb pulling your lower lip down! 

Seeing you in sexy underwear would make him go PHOW! Ready right away. You prepared yourself for him just like that.

Walking on you. Just like that. He walks on you changing clothes? Great ocassion! He walked on you taking a shower? Great! Let him join! Oh, oops, he heard one accidental moan from your room when he came back home and walked on you accidentaly masturbating. He’s with you right away. 

Whisper👏into👏his👏ear👏something👏erotic👏 and he’s yours ;)

Blindfold him, surprise him with whatever you have prepared for him. He usually doesn’t trust anybody, so letting you do whatever without his knowledge is a big something. Big show of trust.

N= No (turnoffs or absolutely won’t do)

Absolute NO of hurting you. He killed many people before and he won’t hurt you on purpose, even if you would’ve asked for it. Big. No. 

O= Oral (receiving or giving and how skillful they are)

Recieving - hell yeah please PLEASE him. He looooves when you give him oral.

Giving - welp, he’s great. Not the best, not the worst, he’s good! He wouldn’t ever say no if you would ask him, but usually you have to ask since he knows that’s not his biggest skill. But the way he gently blows on your sex is amazing-

P= Pace (how fast they are and how long they last in bed)

Mostly - he’s slow, but can last all night with a few rounds. Although his thrusts are slow, they’re powerful when they have to be. 

Q= Quickie (do they prefer fast and hard)

He doesn’t like quickies, he likes to take his time with you. But when the heat of the moment leads you two to quickie, he’d get into it, being grumpy when you have to tear apart because you’re in a hurry. 

R= Risk (do they like to try new things)

He does! Just without hurting you, of course. Just ask him, he’s always there to talk with you about your or his needs! 

S= Stamina (how many times they can go and how long each round lasts)

Hooo...minimally it’s 4 rounds? LONG rounds. He surprises you in many ways. How does he do that? That’s another mystery for you. 

T= Toys (are they game for using sex toys on themselves or lovers) - uh, game? nvm

He’s eager to use toys on you, but he wouldn’t use them for masturbation. He’d let you try to use some on him if you’d like to, but that for your time together, not his time alone. 

U= Unfair (how do they tease or do they enjoy suspense themselves)

Well...he loves to overstimulate you, so when he denies your orgasm he loves to tease. “Plead for that, baby. I know you want to.~” 

But that’s the only (and the worst) thing about his ‘unfairness’.

V= Volume (are they loud, what sounds, and do they talk)

He talks with you normally! Not too much, there is no lack of talks, it’s enough. His grunts can be loud when he’s close. His grunts are the hottest. His voice is deep and amazing, hearing it while he’s close can drive human crazy. 

W= Wild card (random sincannon of any sort)

He’d like to wake up once with you giving him a blowjob.~

X= X-ray (what’s down below in dem pants)

Is that a question for his size? o-o””

Uhhhhhh

I am not specialist in sizes, I can just say it’s big but not enormous! And it’s average in thickness? 

Y= Yearning (sexdrive level)

It’s not too high, but he has these needy moments. Just depends! 

Z= Zzzz (do they sleep after if so how quickly after)

He’d fall asleep right away, but he asks you if there is anything you need. He just forces himself to stay awake so he helps you with aftercare! 

HOOOO it’s done! Remember it’s usually 5 letters, as I wrote in reblog! Try your chances~ :D 

I hope y’all like it! They’re my headcanon and some people might think I might be not accurate but well. Enjoy nonetheless! 

[mordoriscalling]

48 Weeks (2/4)

(Part 1)

Throughout the 48 weeks that Geralt and Jaskier spend apart, their relationship develops.

Aka, part 3 of the Singer and the Sailor AU no one asked for but I wrote anyway. The events of this story happen after Stay or Sail Away but before Homecoming. Warnigns: some sexual content ahead!

Weeks 13-24

Week 13

He waits for Jaskier’s call impatiently, praying in his mind that this is not the time they’ve got the timezones wrong. He doesn’t even have five minutes to spare right now.

Finally, after the eternity of two more minutes, there’s an incoming call from Jaskier. He picks up and immediately says, “A storm’s going to hit us soon.”

He hears Jaskier’s shaky sigh.

“Okay,” Jaskier’s replies, his voice tight, “please stay safe.”

Geralt nods. Nothing wrong happens to the crew on his watch. He made that mistake only once.

Week 14

“Another storm’s coming.”

“What? What the hell, are we some kind of star-crossed lovers –”

“Jaskier. I have to go.”

“Right.” The glint of fear turn’s Jaskier’s eyes into a colour almost as pale as ice. “Send me a text when it’s over.”

It’s one of the worst storms Geralt’s even been through but there’s no way in hell he’ll let the sea take him or anyone he’s responsible for. They all have people to return to. The thought of his family gets him through it. Jaskier’s among them too.

Week 15

“You write those songs fast.”

“What can I say?” Jaskier answers with a disarming grin, “You’re my muse.”

Geralt snorts at the ridiculous notion but he can’t fight a small smile tugging at his lips.

He listens to the recording the moment Jaskier hangs up. The song is about longing, Jaskier’s longing. His voice is high-pitched, raw and vulnerable, and Geralt finds he can’t breathe.

Week 16

When he tries to thank for the song, the “thank you” refuses to go through his throat. “Siren,” he says instead, “I miss you too.”

Jaskier smiles, a tiny, soft thing. His blue, blue eyes sparkle and somehow, Geralt feels seen.

Week 17

“Have I told you about that time me and Rozalia tried to teach chickens how to fly?”

“You what.”

Jaskier laughs. “Yeah. When we were little, we often spent the summer holidays with our grandma back in Poland. She kept chickens and well... I remember when I was maybe eight years old, me and Rozalia noticed that Amelia, who was little then, loved to watch how the chickens try to fly up in the air.”

“So, Roza suggested that we try to teach them how to fly, and I came up with the idea of creating a... chicken launcher.”

“A chicken launcher?” Geralt repeats.

“Yes,” Jaskier answers with a chuckle, “it was a really crude thing that me and Roza built out of some random planks and bricks we found in the shed. But it worked! It launched the chickens some six feet in the air. Amelia was delighted.”

“What the fuck, Jaskier.”

“I know, okay? We didn’t hurt the chickens, I swear! Though none of them wanted to be placed on the launcher for the second time, wonder why.”

Geralt laughs and laughs, and laughs, the sound coming deep from his chest and loosening the tension in his body. He keeps cackling hysterically – because fucking chicken launcher – and comes to realise that he doesn’t mind Jaskier’s ridiculousness at all.

Week 18

Geralt quickly picks up on the fact that something’s off about Jaskier, no matter how much Jaskier tries to hide it.

“Why are you sad?” he asks.

For a moment, Jaskier says nothing, but then replies, “Valdo called me yesterday.”

Geralt frowns, surprised. “Valdo Marx?”

Jaskier didn’t fail to mention how much of a “backstabbing motherfucker and talentless swine” Valdo Marx is.

“Yeah,” Jaskier confirms with a wry smile. “I know he’d call, we’re in the same city coincidentally.” He sighs heavily. “I knew he’d be drunk. He usually calls when he’s drunk.”

Geralt stays quiet and Jaskier goes on.

“When he calls me, he just... reopens this fucking wound, saying all those things. How he loves me still, how he’s never stopped loving me, how we should meet and try again... but then he’ll start petty drama on social media to gain publicity and call my music shit because that news sells, and I–” A sharp exhale. “I wish it was simple. I wish I could only hate him but... Well. The problem is, we were something else together.” Jaskier laughs bitterly. “And yet, fame tore us apart.”

There’s a pause. Geralt doesn’t speak again, trying to process all of he’s heard. Eventually, Jaskier breaks the silence again.

“And now I’m touring, and he’s touring too, and everyone thinks we’re rivals, and it’s just getting so old. I have better things to do.”

Geralt doesn’t know what to say to that, so he only says what he knows from experience. “In the long run, it’s harder to hold on than to let go.”

“That’s –” Jaskier starts, then cuts himself off. He stares at Geralt through the screen with wide eyes. “That’s... true.”

Week 19

“Two songs?”

“I have no idea how I do that either. At this point, I’m convinced that I just can’t die. Sleep deprivation should’ve killed me long ago but here I am, alive and kicking.”

“Jaskier,” Geralt growls. His worry comes off as anger but most of his emotions do. Jaskier doesn’t seem deterred. Geralt has a suspicion that he literally has no self-preservation instinct. Still, he tries to stare Jaskier into compliance. “Go to sleep.”

Jaskier obliges after some theatrical complaining.

When Geralt plays the recordings after going to bed, he’s surprised how different the songs are. The first one is an enticing call for sharing an adventure, luring him towards thoughts of what’s beyond the empty vastness of blue, towards what’s unknown to him. It’s all Jaskier, whereas the other song is not like Jaskier at all. It has none of Jaskier’s usual energy; it’s just a call for help, a cry of deep sadness that Geralt knows very well. He hates that Jaskier knows it too.

Week 20

Geralt listens to Jaskier strumming his guitar idly and no words come to him even though he knows he should say something. He sees that Jaskier needs it but his throat refuses to work. The wolf signet is a heavy weight in his pocket and he almost curses the day he let himself have this.

He was aware from the start that he shouldn’t have. After so many years at sea, he’s almost grown an allergic reaction to getting attached like this; he knows it hurts like bloody hell. He had no idea that he’d be called for this deployment back then though, and Jaskier was there, irrationally familiar and safe. His eyes sparkled in the light of the room during that birthday party, his elegant hand was warm underneath his own, and Geralt gave in. He regretted it mere minutes later and he almost regrets it now.

This would’ve been so much easier without Jaskier. Loneliness is what he knows and waiting for Jaskier isn’t easy like that, especially not when he isn’t doing enough to have Jaskier stay.

He tries to think of Ciri’s laugh to cheer himself up but in the end, it makes his chest ache even more.  

Week 21

When Jaskier’s face shows up on the screen, his eyes and grin almost scream mischief.

“Hello, dear,” he purrs, “What a sight for sore eyes you are.”

Geralt knows that tone very well. His body responds to it with a thrill of anticipation before he can form a single thought. Then, Jaskier stretches his arms, “accidentally” lowering the camera of his phone to show his naked, hairy chest, and any thoughts fly out of Geralt’s mind.

“No shirt on?” he asks, his mouth dry.

“I don’t have anything on,” Jaskier answers in that raspy voice which drives Geralt mad.

“Show me.”

“With pleasure, darling.”

Week 22

“The audience was wonderful today,” Jaskier says dreamily.

Geralt rolls his eyes. “You always say that.”

He’s been saying that very often ever since he’s started touring in North America two months ago.

“That’s because you got to say that,” Jaskier replies, “I have to make my audience feel special. I mean it this time, though. There was magic in the air.”

Suddenly, a heavy feeling settles in Geralt’s gut and he can’t help wondering if Jaskier truly means the words he says.  

Week 23

In the past week, the sea has been moody, there have been several small but bothersome damages to the ship, and Ciri’s caught a nasty cold. Generally, nothing’s going like it’s supposed to, and Geralt is tired. He sees that Jaskier’s noticed.  

They’re quiet, only looking at each other through the screen. The silence between them seems impassable but then it’s broken by Jaskier’s quiet question.

“Why is your hair white?”

“I won’t tell you,” Geralt snaps, because the very idea of talking about it sets his teeth on edge. Jaskier flinches at his harsh reaction. Geralt tries to amend it by adding, “Not yet.”

It’s a promise which he isn’t sure he can keep but Jaskier accepts it with a slow nod.

“Will you tell me how come you joined the Navy, then?” Jaskier asks quietly. “In detail, please. When I asked before, you only said that you didn’t have anything better to do.”

“That’s how it happened.”

“Geralt.”

“Fine.”

And so, Geralt tells him. He was twenty-three and still hadn’t dealt with having been abandoned by his mother and dumped by Yennefer, who he thought to be the love of his life at the time. He hated it so much that he decided it was his turn to abandon, and he quit everything.

Their adoptive father never suggested for them to follow in his footsteps but at the time, the Navy seemed a career good as any. Geralt and his brothers, not related to him by blood but still his brothers even before Vesemir took them in, truly didn’t have any plans too. Nothing kept them on land.

Now as he looks at Jaskier listening to him carefully, he thinks it’s funny how things have changed.

Week 24

“We’re halfway through.”

Jaskier sounds tired and Geralt heaves a sigh. The room is light but it suddenly appears very dark. He’s almost forgotten home and missing his family has got less painful but there’re still days when it chokes him, like today.

“You don’t have to do this,” he tells Jaskier.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s fine if you’ve changed your mind.”

Geralt hears Jaskier release a shaky breath.

“Have you changed your mind?”

“No,” Geralt replies, looking at Jaskier finally, hoping to be seen, “I want this.”

Jaskier smiles softly. “Good,” he says, his voice warm, “because I want this too.”

Geralt wants to call him an idiot but it would sound far too fond.

The day ends with another storm.

Part 3

***

A/N:  The story about the "chicken launcher" is what me and my younger brother did one day when we were kids. I think it's definitely something the horror sister Rozalia and the wild brother Julian would do to amuse their nasty angel baby sister Amelia.

[let-it-raines]

Betting on the Bullseye (27/30)

Emma Swan loses a drunken bet that means she has to ask her celebrity crush - if you can call him that - to be her date to her office’s annual fundraising gala for Boston’s Children Shelter. Killian Jones is that celebrity. She expects all kinds of humiliation and for her dignity to be completely lost all because of the ridiculousness of the situation. What she doesn’t expect is for him to say yes.

What she truly doesn’t expect is to actually like the man.

Rating: Mature

A/N: I say nothing except this one is for @resident-of-storybrooke before she leaves on her trip 😘

Found on AO3: Beginning | Current

Tumblr: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 | Part 18 | Part 19 | Part 20 | Part 21 | Part 22 | Part 23 | Part 24 | Part 25 | Part 26 | Part 27 

Tag list: @idristardis @nikkiemms @resident-of-storybrooke @wellhellotragic @bmbbcs4evr @onceuponaprincessworld @jennjenn615 @mayquita @captainsjedi @teamhook @skyewardolicitycloisdelena91 @artistic-writer @branlovesouat @dreadpirateemma @kmomof4 @ekr032-blog-blog @galaxyzxstark @lifeinahole27 @andiirivera @ultimiflos @hollyethecurious @thejollyroger-writer @superchocovian @cs-forlife @qualitycoffeethings @jonirobinson64 @notoriouscs @mariakov81

-/-

“Ruby is going to be here in thirty minutes,” she mumbles into Killian’s back, burrowing her face further into his sweater. It’s absurdly soft, and she wonders if he’ll ever take it back if she steals it. She’d probably have to keep it hidden away somewhere other than the closet, though. It was much easier to steal things when they didn’t live in the same place. “We have to get out of bed.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Babe, I have to be there early. You’re my date, so you have to be there early with me.”

“If I break up with you for the night, can I come later?”

“No. Then you’d have to buy me food to nourish my broken heart and still show up.”

She feels Killian’s groan more than she hears it, the sounds muffled by the sheets and pillows he’s got his face buried in. It’s three in the afternoon, far past time for them to be lounging in bed, but honestly, they’ve been exceptionally lazy today and have been sleeping on and off all day. It’s Saturday, so they can totally do it. And if it were any other Saturday, she’d be fine with them not moving or turning the lights on (Killian is usually a little more active), but they’ve got to go to this damn charity gala.

That makes it sound bad. It’s a good thing, a really good thing, for the Children’s Shelter and a few other places around town that always join in, but she’s kind of tired of it after dealing with it for weeks on end. She misses last year when Lucy at the museum took care of everything and the only thing she had to worry about was the fact that she was going on a very publicized date with a complete stranger who is now her boyfriend and the man she lives with.

Her life is really weird.

She knows that, thinks about it all of the time, but sometimes it really hits her how strange she and Killian are together. Or not necessarily how they are together but more the fact of how they got together.

It’s really a strange story.

Ruby is definitely going to brag about it all being because of her tonight. She already knows. If Ruby and Dorothy work out, though, Emma can get the same bragging rights, so things will even out.

Hoping a relationship will work out for bragging rights is obviously the height of maturity.

“So you’re telling me that breaking up with you does me no good?”

She hums in response, shifting up so that she can run her lips over the back of his neck, sprawling herself out across his back like Leo and Aiden do to her sometimes. Comparing herself to toddlers is probably not a great thing either, but she doesn’t care. His skin is warm and a bit salty from dried sweat, and even though she’s the one trying to get them out of bed, she finds herself not wanting to move from this spot. Sometimes she wonders if they could stay in bed for weeks on end, alternating between lazily moving against and within each other and sleeping or watching TV while eating junk food.

She should take some days off of work in the new year, and instead of going anywhere and getting exhausted from walking around, they’ll simply stay here and stay in bed, all of the curtains closed so that nothing from the outside world gets in.

Yeah, that sounds really good right now.

“Swan, I know that you’re trying to entice me to move, but running your lips across my neck is not going to make me get up and shower.”

“Would you rather I scream in your ear?”

“It’ll get me up and moving faster.”

“Kinky.”

Killian rolls their bodies before she can move off of him, and for the briefest of moments, he’s smothering her, her breath escaping her while his entire body weight presses down on top of her.

“Killian,” she mumbles, pushing her arms up against him while he shakes his hips to dig himself further into her, the friction so damn good that maybe they don’t have to get out of bed. “Killian, get off of me.”

“Nah, I’m good like this.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“An arsehole who you want as your arm candy tonight, so I suggest that you be nice to me.”

She knees him as hard as she can without actually hurting him, and he plays along, groaning a bit too loudly before rolling off of her and sitting up in bed, his back scrunched over as he rubs the sleep out of his eyes with the heels of his hands, the bed still bouncing the slightest bit after all of their movement.

“Go take your shower, love,” he encourages, twisting his head and nudging her leg. “Ruby will kill you if you’re not at least showered when she gets here.”

“I’m still going to be in the shower by the time she gets here because I have to shave.”

He raises a brow, but she doesn’t really notice because she can’t stop staring at the unruly state of his hair. It’s got to be sticking in a million different directions because of sleep and her hands, and she kind of wants to spend all day running her hands through it. The man has soft hair. That she’s only kind of obsessed with.

(Okay, really obsessed.)

“Doesn’t your dress cover your legs?”

“Yeah,” she sighs, rolling out of bed and tugging at her clothes to pull them off her, tossing her shirt on the bed. Killian is totally staring at her boobs right now, but she doesn’t care. He’s seen her naked enough times in non-sexual situations that it doesn’t even matter. Casual intimacy and confidence and all that jazz. “But you’re wearing a tux that makes you look very dapper, and, you know, you might get lucky tonight.”

“Yeah?” he laughs, his lips curling up into a smirk.

“I mean, maybe. It depends on my mood and if I get to shave.”

“Please, I’m used to your hairy legs. You’ve got to keep warm for winter.”

“So funny,” she mock laughs, pulling her pajama pants down before leaning over the bed and twisting a bit of his chest hair around her finger, “especially from the bear himself. But, no, I’m going to shave and it’s going to feel like a dolphin tonight.”

“I don’t think you realize how creepy that sounds.”

“Gross,” she whines, stepping away from him and into the bathroom so that she can turn the water on, the chill of the air reaching her skin faster than she thought it would. Her favorite thing about living here, Killian not included, is definitely how much better the water pressure is. And how fast it heats up. At her old place she’d be freezing for at least ten minutes only to have the water struggle to get her conditioner out.

She can’t believe that there are people out there who can get away with not using conditioner. Her hair would be one big knot without it.

Plus the split ends. Those would be insane.

By the time she’s out of the shower, her entire body washed and shaved (like a dolphin in a totally non weird way), she can hear Ruby in the bedroom talking to Killian. She doesn’t know what they’re talking about, but she’s sure it’s Ruby complaining about her. It has to be. She’s definitely late, and even though Ruby is always late, she seems to forget that whenever it’s Emma.

“Emma Swan,” Ruby groans, pulling the bathroom door open while she’s still drying herself off with the towel.

“Oh my God,” she shrieks, wrapping her towel around her waist to cover herself, “have you ever heard of knocking?”

“Have you ever heard of being on time?”

“I’m only a little late,” she promises, stepping away from the towel to grab her robe off the hook, quickly wrapping it around her, tugging at the string around her waist. “You look nice.”

“I went ahead and did my makeup since I knew that you’d be late.”

“I’m a punctual person.” Ruby raises her brow in a move that is so Killian that it’s weird. She’s so thankful that they get along, that they’ve always gotten along, but she’s starting to think they’ve spent a little too much time together. Or maybe she has a type in the kind of people she likes. “Okay, so I am most of the time.”

“Just not tonight, but that’s okay. I’m going to work my magic to make you pretty.”

“This is when you say that I’m already pretty,” she laughs, drying off her hair and patting down her face before she grabs her face wash and begins rubbing it into her skin.

“You’re already pretty,” Ruby drolls, sarcasm dripping off of every syllable. “I think I’m just going to do your regular makeup tonight but with a different eyeshadow and a red lip.”

“You’re going to make me look like a Christmas tree, aren’t you?” She cringes a bit as the acid of her face wash gets in her eyes before she’s rinsing that out and reaching for her moisturizer. “My dress is green, Rubes. I don’t need to go with the whole thing.”

“I’m not going to make you look like a Christmas tree, I promise. You’ve just got to trust me? Have I ever let you down before?”

“There was the time in college where you accidentally died my hair red. There was the other time where you made that homemade face mask and I had breakouts for a month. Ooh, or where you did my makeup for an interview and I didn’t know until it was over that I had orange streaks all over my face. And I definitely didn’t get that job.”

“But that was back when we had no money and no experience. Now we have no money and plenty of experience.”

“That can be taken in so many ways.”

Emma watches Ruby waggle her eyebrows through the mirror. Yep, she and Killian are going to have to spend some time apart after tonight.

Maybe before tonight.

They’re too similar.

“And that’s the Ruby way, my darling. Now let’s get ready because you have an event to run, and the carriage turns back into a pumpkin at midnight.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“It does to me.”

Ruby’s pretty much a master when it comes to makeup. It’s one of those things where she just has the natural talent with it. She watches videos online and takes classes, is always trying out new things, and even though sometimes Emma ends up looking like a clown, usually Ruby knows exactly what she’s doing. Except when it comes to hair. Mary Margaret despite having a pixie cut for years, is definitely the best out of the three of them at doing hair. But she wasn’t about to ask her over when she, David, and the kids are coming over for lunch tomorrow anyways. She’d asked Ruby, but Ruby had laughed and said that she didn’t plan on moving away from bed all day Sunday.

No part of her blames her.

She’s kind of regretting her decision to be social tomorrow already.

“Alright, ladies,” Killian sighs, poking his head into the bathroom, his lips pressed together in a soft smile, “I know you’re still in the middle of finally doing something about the tragedy that is Emma’s face, but I need to take a shower.”

“You can take a shower while I’m in here,” Ruby whistles as she brushes some eyeshadow over Emma’s lid. “I’m not shy.” “I know you aren’t, love, but I’m afraid that I am. That blue shadow looks very vibrant.”

“I know that it’s not blue, babe,” she huffs, opening the eye that’s not getting worked on. “Get your stuff and go shower in the guest room, okay? I think we’ll still be in here awhile.”

“You’re right. It’ll likely take a long time for Ruby to really get all that blue piled up.”

“Go take your shower.”

“As you wish, Swan.”

She closes her eyes while Ruby keeps working, and she can hear the faint sounds of Killian gathering his things out of the shower before the door shuts behind him.

“I was really hoping he was going to shower in here.” “You are so gross.”

“Your lover is hot.”

She snickers at that, memories of Killian calling himself her lover when they weren’t exactly sure what they were to each other yet coming to mind. He’s so ridiculous, but listening to Ruby now, she realizes that all of her friends are absolutely and utterly ridiculous.

She likes it that way.

An hour later her makeup is done and Ruby has just helped her pin her hair back up in a high ponytail, the curls trailing down her neck and the slightest bit of her back. It’s heavy enough that she knows she’ll likely change it before the end of the night, but for now, it works, especially because it’ll keep her hair out of her face as she runs through her checklist at the venue before everyone gets there. If it wasn’t more comfortable to have her hair down, she’d wear it up nearly every day.

“This feels like we’re going to prom,” she sighs while stepping into her dress, pulling it up and zipping it as much as she can on her own.

“Except you feel ridiculous because you’re almost thirty and not sixteen?”

“Besides the fact that I’m not almost thirty, that’s exactly it.”

“Twenty-nine, thirty, same difference.”

“Mathematically that is so wrong,” she scoffs while walking out into the bedroom where Killian is buttoning up his shirt, leaving just enough buttons undone that she knows he likely won’t wear his bowtie for long if at all. “KJ, can you zip my dress?”

“In one moment, love,” he promises, stepping over to her with his bottom lip tugged between her teeth. “You look beautiful, by the way.”

“You’re not so bad yourself.”

“Not so bad. That’s what every man wants to hear.”

“You’re dashing,” she sighs, exaggerating the word as Killian takes her zipper and runs it up her back, flicking her ponytail over her shoulder so it doesn’t get caught. When he’s finished, she turns around and wraps her arms around his neck, fingers messing with his hair. It’s weird being directly eye to eye with him, but it always happens in these heels. “And, like, really damn hot too.”

“That’s what I was going for,” he sighs, turning his head and kissing her wrist. “You probably need to go in there and help Ruby zip up her dress.”

“Nope, I’m good,” Ruby protests as she stumbles out of the bathroom already zipped up into her white jumpsuit. “Aww, look at the lovebirds. We have to take a picture to send to Mom and Dad.”

“Who?” “David and Mary Margaret, obviously. Their initials even match up with being Mom and Dad. It’s very fitting. Go stand out on your balcony so I can get one.”

“Rubes.”

“Nope, no protesting. You’ll thank me later when you want to look back on your prom day.”

“Prom?” Killian asks, raising his brow in question.

“It’s nothing.” She unwraps her arms from his neck and turns to walk out of the bedroom so that she can go down the hall to get access to the balcony, Killian and Ruby right behind her. It’s freezing out here, especially with the sea breeze wafting up, so she bounces a bit waiting for Killian to come stand next to her at the railing. “It is too cold to even walk outside for five minutes.” “If you just smile for the crazy woman, we’ll be inside soon enough.”

She laughs under her breath as Killian wraps his arm around her waist, tugging her closer while she presses her hand against his chest and smiles as Ruby takes a few pictures of them, one time getting far too close. And as cold as she is, as much as she wants to go inside, she ropes Ruby into coming to stand next to her so that they can take a few pictures too.

What is adult prom if not taking awkward pictures with your friends?

Once she’s back inside she grabs her coat and her clutch, wishing goodbye to Ruby and telling her that they’ll see her later when she and Dorothy show up to the museum for the dinner. It’s not a long ride there, especially with how fast their Uber driver is moving through the roads, and before she knows it, she’s in the thick of planning and making sure that their tables for their guests have all the right name cards in all of the right places. She’s constantly amazed by how people get upset over who is sitting next to who.

This may be metaphorical adult prom (it’s totally not), but she kind of thought the drama would be over. Then again, she’s obviously making up for everything that happened in high school that she missed out on by simply showing up and making the grades, only joining clubs if she really hated her foster parents and wanted to be out of the house a little more often. Or if she needed them to look good on her college application. She did a lot of that. She just didn’t do the drama. She doesn’t want to know, so she makes sure that the name cards are right, that the preordered dinners are all lined up, and that the donor tables are clear and easy for people to donate money throughout the night.

She’s the first person to sign the sheet, filling out her donor information and writing her donation in the box. She’ll have to make out her check later. Next year they should totally get those card swipe things that hook up to phones. Of course, most people don’t take this money directly out of their personal bank accounts. They have several that need wire transferring or whatever, which is absolutely insane.

That’s just something she’s not going to think about tonight.

Everything is a bit of a blur for the two hours that she’s helping set up, her legs weaving in and out between Christmas trees. They’ve gone with warmer colors this year instead of the silvers and blues of last year, and she likes this better. It feels more intimate and festive and less snow queen. But eventually some of the guests start to arrive, everyone wandering around and mingling or sitting at their seats, and she can breathe a sigh of relief as she’s officially off of the clock…except for going around and asking for donations.

Maybe she’ll send Killian around to do them in her place. That worked really well last year.

“This looks wonderful, Emma,” Dorothy compliments as she and Ruby settle down into their seats. “Have you already taken all of your pictures for work?”

“Lucy, who runs the events at the museum, is going to text me the pictures when there’s a crowd in here. So no crappy phone pictures or anything.”

“So you can actually enjoy dinner?”

She smiles. “That I can.”

For the rest of the night, all she can think about is the difference between this time last year and right now.

Last year she’d probably been sweating she was so nervous and uncomfortable. This year she’s slouching at the table with her arm stretched out over Killian’s shoulders while she plays with his hair and asks Dorothy how work is going, Killian’s hand resting heavily on her thigh.

Last year the conversation had been stilted and a little awkward. This year it flows naturally, everything coming easily even with some of her coworkers that she doesn’t often see sitting at the table with them.

Last year when Killian asked her to dance, she hadn’t really wanted to do it. This year she happily rises from her chair and lets him guide her out to the small dance floor, their feet and bodies expertly moving together instead of gently swaying back and forth.

Last year she wasn’t sure if she’d ever find someone who would love her for who she is without trying to change her or lying about who they are. This year she’s got a partner in her life who loves her without hesitation and who she loves in return.

She’s turning into a cheesy mess, but it’s a good night that has her cheeks hurting from smiling so much, and that has nothing to do with the sweet talking the donors.

“You look pensive,” Killian sighs as he pulls her a bit closer, releasing her hands so that he can wrap his arms around her waist.

“That’s just my face.”

“One of the many.”

“Yeah,” she agrees, clasping her fingers together on the nape of his neck.

He looks so handsome tonight, his hair combed back but just wild enough that it’s not too straight laced, and the bowtie he did end up wearing for a little while untied and draped around his neck with some of his shirt buttons undone. She’s feeling particularly affectionate right now, especially with the few glasses of wine she’s had and the lateness of the night, only a few people left in the museum, so when she gets the opportunity to rest her head on his shoulder, she does.

“This is so much better than last year.”

“Oh I don’t know,” he laments, his lips brushing her temple, “last year was pretty good. We had a fantastic first date. I even got to stay the night.”

“And then you left in a super rude way and stole my swan mug.”

“I’m a scoundrel, I tell you.”

“Maybe even a rascal.”

“Definitely one of those. I’m sorry I did you dirty the night after we met.”

She clicks her tongue before she presses a kiss into the side of his neck, her nose heavily pressing into his skin so that his cologne wafts over her, somehow reaching all the way down to her toes. “I think you’ve more than made up for it.”

“Oh, I don’t know, I think you could likely make me grovel a bit.”

“You know not what you offer.”

“Aye, I’m making a grave mistake.”

She chuckles into him before pulling back so that she can look in his eyes, the blue light in both color and feel. She shouldn’t be able to notice things like that, but she does. He’s happy, and she knows that because she knows him.

What a wonderful feeling that is to know someone and have them know you in return.

“As long as you don’t steal my mug again, I’ll be good.”

“Well, I tend to reserve stealing from lasses as a first date activity.”

“Do you count that as our first date?”

“Really? That’s what you got out of that? Not that I’m a dirty thief?”

“Well, I knew that. I didn’t know you considered that to be our first date since it was really more of a…business transaction.”

“Swan, if you consider that a business transaction, I’m going to get a little worried that you kiss other men like that at work.”

“Gotta make sure I don’t get fired.” Killian raises both of his brows, and she feels the redness and the heat rise in her cheeks. “That was a bad joke. Like, not funny in the slightest.”

“The worst.”

“Undoubtedly.”

“But I don’t know,” he laments, looking up at the ceiling for a moment so that she can admire his jawline, “I think that counts as our first date. We simply had a three-month courtship before I was your lover.”

The way he says the words has that metaphorical fire flickering down her body, but all she can do is laugh, that word continuously coming back tonight.

“This is true. It was, like, some really slow build up. You’re very good at being a lover, though. Ten out of ten would recommend to others if I were into that kind of stuff.”

“Good to know that you don’t want to share.”

“Never.” She quickly brushes her lips over his, tasting the slightest bit of rum, the spice stinging. “I think I might just love you too damn much.”

He looks down at her then, eyes brimming with affection and smile so wide that his eyes crinkle and his teeth are on full display. She loves the soft smiles, the intimate touches, but sometimes she loves the full on joyful, gleeful even, smiles that make his entire face light up.

“And I you, my love.” He kisses her again, this one slow and lingering, before he whispers, “do you think we should go find Ruby to make sure she’s not donating everything I’m worth to charity? I love a good cause, but my girlfriend is rather fond of eating.”

“I can pay my own bills.”

“This is true. Okay, so I am rather fond of eating and having running water in my home.”

She laughs before she unwraps her arms and pats his chest. “There you go, KJ.”

They find Ruby and Dorothy at the bar, the two of them in a giggling fit, and after closing out their tabs, she and Killian make sure to put them in a car while they wait for their own. The temperature has continued to dip the longer the night has gone on, and right as they get into their car, she swears that she sees the tiniest bit of snow. It’s likely a figment of her imagination, but it wouldn’t surprise her if winter has decided to fully come into effect now that it’s the second week of December.

“Don’t forget to post those photos on the shelter’s Instagram.”

“Thanks,” she tells Killian, pulling her phone out of her bag and logging out of her personal account so that she can upload the pictures with the caption she had worked up before tonight, making sure to tag all of the right people. It almost feels wrong promoting a fancy event where people get dressed up in gowns to help children who have been abandoned and abused, but unfortunately, it’s what works to get attention from everyone.

Or maybe fortunately. At least something works. She wants to help, no matter the weird methods that it takes.

And social media isn’t really that weird. She’s only twenty-nine, so she’s definitely not old enough to be one of those people who say “back in my day.” She could, but it would be ridiculous.

“I’ll put up something tomorrow,” Killian yawns, flexing his hand out until it lands on her thigh, thumb running back and forth, and even though it’s over her dress, she can still feel the heat of it. “I’d do it tonight, but I need to do all of the links and I’m – ”

When he’s struck by another yawn, she answers for him, “ – tired. You’re tired.”

“Aye, love, that I am.”

“And here I was shaving my legs so that you wouldn’t have to deal with my winter coat since I know my dolphin legs are much nicer.”

“Nah, like I said, I’m a fan of every part of you, hairy legs and all.”

“That’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me.”

“If I recall, the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for you was buying your toothbrush replacements heads, and now the most romantic thing anyone has ever said is saying they like you even when you grow your fur coat. No offense, sweetheart, but I feel like I’m doing better than that in the romance department.”

“Ah, I don’t know,” she sighs, placing her hand over his and interlocking their fingers, making sure to rest her wrist on top even if it should be the other way around for how they’re sitting, “I’m a simple girl. I like dental hygiene but not personal hygiene, so you being accepting of that is really like a dream come true for me.”

“You know, I’ve been told that I was dreamy, but a dream come true, that’s a new one.”

She digs her nail into his flesh before she brings their hands to her lips, slanting her lips over Killian’s knuckles to soothe the ache.

“Alright, Cassanova, let’s dial it down a bit. Don’t want to use up all of your romance tonight. You might want to save some for the morning.”

She has every intention of getting back to their apartment and stripping Killian out of his clothes so that she can slowly ride him into momentary oblivion, but once they get into their bedroom, the exhaustion hits her. So she says maybe in the morning as she strips out of her dress, leaving it on the floor while she pulls pajamas back on. They’re plaid and very Christmas-y, and she’s pretty sure the matching set makes her look like a little kid in a movie in the forties, but with the warmth they provide, she doesn’t care. It’s nearly painful to take all of her makeup and take her hair down as well as brushing her teeth, but she and Killian slowly get through it, grumbling side by side as they run through their routines.

They’re in a rhythm, the two of them, even when it’s slightly off course, and only a few minutes after their heads hit their pillows, they’re both out, Killian’s steady breathing matching up with the slow, calm beat of her heart.

When she wakes the next morning it’s to the softest of lips brushing against the skin of her face. She doesn’t bother opening her eyes to look. She knows the feel of Killian’s mouth and his beard almost like she’s known it for her entire life, but after she feels him kiss her nose, she decides to face the world and let the light filter in.

Only there is no light. It’s still dark outside, the moon shining through the window the slightest bit, but she can easily see Killian’s face as he smiles down at her, his lips pressed together in affection while his eyes crinkle. He’s been doing a lot of that lately, all different forms, but this one is different.

“Why are you hovering over me like that? Are you going to murder me?”

“If I wanted to murder you, love, I would have done it while you were asleep.”

“Yeah, so I’ll be sleeping in the guest room with the door locked now.”

He laughs, something deep and low, before his thumb swipes against her cheek, the soft smile turning into something a little brighter. Mostly, though, she’s focusing on the crinkles around his eyes. She loves those a lot. She can’t think it enough. “So last night you told me to save some of my romance for this morning.”

“I recall, but I’m not sure I’m ready for sex quite yet. The sun isn’t even up.”

“Darling, I really and truly appreciate all of these wonderful words that you’re spewing because they make what I’m about to say next even better.”

And somehow, without any clue other than the way that Killian is looking at her, she knows exactly what he’s about to ask her while she’s got bedhead, morning breath, and is in these matching flannel pajamas.

(They’re actually really cute pajamas.)

“Emma, my love, will you marry me?”

[all-the-love-harold]

Chapter 4 - Date Night, Year, Life

This a long one, so grab a cup tea and make yourself comfortable! Like always, I need to thank @lovesmelikebrandnewstarlight for talking through my ideas and helping me get them on paper. 

Chapter 3 

Master Post 

March 14th 2014, London.

 It was a gloomy friday night, spent locked up indoors out of the torrential rain that was falling outside. Poppy was alone in her apartment, eating the take out that she’d picked up on the way home from uni when she’d decided to cancel the date that she was meant to go on. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to be dating, it was more that she didn’t want to go on a Tinder date she didn’t think she was that desperate yet.

It was just as her favourite part of her favourite movie came on that her phone started to ring. She peered down to see “hairy” on the screen and paused the film.

“Call me back in like five minutes, the old lady’s about to have what sally’s having”

Harry giggled at the other end of the line, “I’ll just come over” he said and hung up the phone.

Poppy didn’t mind that Harry just showed whenever he pleased, especially when it meant she didn’t have to spend a Friday night alone.

It wasn’t long before there was a knock on the door, followed by Harry’s less than grand entrance.

“Your favourite person on the planet is here Poppy Thomas!” he called closing the door behind him. She rolled her eyes and turned the volume down on the tv.

“There’s leftovers if you’re hungry”  she pointed to the half full box of chinese food that was sitting on her coffee table. He made himself comfortable on the  couch and started eating the food while they silently watched “When Harry Met Sally”

“You should be doing more with your friday nights Pop” Harry broke the silence once he’d polished off the food.

“I’m tired” she sighed “and this is a great film”

“It is, you’re right, but you should be out living it”

“I had a date tonight, but I cancelled it” she said, looking away from the TV for just a second.

“You cancelled it?” he looked at her with raised eyebrows “Why?”

“Because I’m tired” she said with more force than she’d intended.

“Where’s your phone?” he said before spotting it on the coffee table and picking it up

“What are you doing?” Poppy asked while trying to take the phone from him.

“Texting your date, asking him if he wants to meet for dessert”

“It’s 9 o’clock already Harry, it’s too late”

“It is not, perfect time for some pudding if you ask me” he began typing.

“It’s raining”

“And? I’ll drive you” he wasn’t going to take no for an answer, he knew he would be going away in just two months and the last thing he wanted was for Poppy to be lonely for the rest of the year.

“Fine” Poppy agreed “But if I get murdered it’s on you”

“I’ll take that” Harry nodded “Now go and get changed, wear that jacket you bought yesterday”

Poppy got up reluctantly, she didn’t really know why she’d agreed to this, probably because harry had suggested it so enthusiastically that saying no would break his heart. She put on a pair of black skinny jeans with a white t-shirt and a pink bomber jacket over the top. Instead of putting her hair up like she normally would, she left it out and let it curl naturally and for makeup, all she did was a little concealer to hide her undereye bags. She was ready to go in five minutes, all she had to do was make sure she had her house keys in her bag and they were off.

“Are you nervous?” Harry asked as they got in the car

“I will be if you keep asking” Poppy said, half sarcastically, half serious, if she told the truth she didn’t know how she felt about this date, it felt rushed and uncomfortable almost.

“You just gotta be confident and everything will be fine. Smile that beautiful smile of yours and the dude doesn't have a chance”

“Confidence isn’t that easy” Poppy admitted, brushing off his compliment like it was nothing.  

“Fake it ‘til you make it love” he said

“That’s easier said than done” she leant her head on the window the car

“It worked for me, I never used to be confident and now I’m….”

“You’re Harry Styles” Poppy added before he could finish his sentence

“And you’re Poppy Thomas” He smiled and pulled the car over “Now we’re here, and I’ll be right here waiting when you’re done, or if it goes really well just text me and I’ll pick you up from wherever in the morning”

“You know I only ever go back to my place if that happens and it's not going to tonight” she opened the door and stepped out of the car “Thank you Hairy”

“See you soon Poopy”

Poppy walked away from the car, with her hands in the pockets of her jacket and her heart pounding in her chest. She was nervous, and the closer she got to the restaurant the more ill she felt. Her date, Jack,  was waiting out the front, with his phone up to his ear, making what looked like a very important phone call. Poppy wanted to leave, to turn right around and walk straight back to Harry’s car. But she took a deep breath and walked towards him, and when he saw her, he hung up and greeted her. With a handshake. On a date. This wasn’t a good start. They went inside and looked at the selection of cheesecakes on offer, none of them all that appealing.

“I can never go past oreo” Jack said walking towards the counter to order.

Poppy nodded, “I guess I’ll give that a try then”

“You won’t regret it” he smiled.

She pulled her purse out from her bag and took out her card to pay.

“It’s on me tonight” he pushed her card away and ordered their dessert, paying with his card and taking the table number for them to sit down. Poppy followed on silently and sat down on the seat across from him.

“You can pay next time” he winked.

But there wasn’t going to be a next time, she knew that already. Maybe she even knew that before she got there.

“Sure” she said, with a weak smile.

The rest of the date consisted of insignificant small talk. Jack didn’t have a single interesting thing to say but it was pretty clear that he thought his job as a data analyst was the most impressive thing about him and Poppy had nothing interesting to say back to him. So after they finished eating, she pulled out her phone and texted Harry.

 Please call with an excuse to get me out of here!

 Car accident?

 Too Cliche

 My plane just landed and you forgot to pick me up from the airport?

 Perfect! x

 Seconds later and right on cue, Poppy’s phone rang and she picked it up to hear Harry’s very annoyed tone on the other end.

“Oh fuck” she said trying to hold back a smile “I thought that was tomorrow….. I’ll meet you at the arrivals gate in like half an hour… love you… bye H” she ended the call “I have to go, I forgot to pick my friend up from the airport” she stood and left without another word.

 When they got back to Poppy’s apartment, she went straight to her room to change back into her pyjamas and slide into bed, right under the covers.

“Harry, come and cuddle me” she called and Harry appeared in the doorway.

“Is that a good idea?” he said

“Always” Poppy nodded and that was all the confirmation that Harry needed. He kicked his shoes off and laid down next to her,  on top of the covers.

“Why are you being weird” she said “Get under the blankies”

He sighed but he didn’t say anything, he simply shuffled his body so that he could cover himself with the blankets too. Then he wrapped his arms around Poppy, sneaking his hand under her shirt so their skin was touching and his leg wrapped around hers. They were completely intertwined and if someone walked into the room right now, they wouldn’t know that there was two people in that bed. With her head buried safely in Harry’s chest Poppy quietly drifted off to sleep. Harry drifted off too, but he soon woke himself up and kissed her on the forehead.

“I have to go Pop, staying’s a bad idea.”

 May 9th 2014 - Rio De Janeiro

 Poppy was sitting by the pool in the hot Brazilian sun, sipping on her fourth Caipirinha for the afternoon, watching as Harry jumped into the pool fully clothed.

“Harrrry” she slurred “You forgot to take your shirt off”  

He looked down at his water soaked shirt and started laughing at himself “Fuckkk I think I got my new shirt wet”

“Nooooo” she called “Not the KISS shirt” she stood from her chair and steadied herself then she ran towards the pool, diving in still in her sundress. When her head broke the surface of the water again the first thing she heard was Harry’s loud cackle of a laugh.

“You’re still in your clothes too Poopy” he wrapped his arms around her and pulled the tie on her dress so that it came undone.

“Harry!” she giggled “I’m not wearing my bikini!”

“Oooooh” he said, his voice deeper than usual “I’m sorry”

She slipped her arms out of the dress and rolled it into a ball before she  threw it wards the sun chair she’d just been sitting on. “Fuck it, this is a nice bra anyway”

Harry shook his head and laughed at her again “Just can’t keep your clothes on can you?”

“Oh Look who’s talking” she swiped the hat off Harry’s head “Don’t need a hat in the pool styles”

He reached over and tried to get it off her again “Don’t want to get burnt thanks”

She dropped the hat in the water and watched Harry’s face fall with it.

“Poppy! that is an expensive hat”

“It’ll dry” she pushed it further into the water and giggled at Harry’s face as he watched it float back up to the surface. She laid back and started floating on her  back, looking up at the sky, enjoying the moment of relaxation. She was glad to be here with Harry, and she was lucky to be able to take this semester of courses online so that she could travel and not add any more time to her degree.

“I love Brazil” Poppy sighed softly

“Me too” Harry slurred “you know what we should do?!”

“What should we do H?”

“We should get tattoos!”

She stood up and splashed harry “We should get tattoos!!”

***

They entered the tattoo parlour later that night, under the cover of darkness so that Harry wouldn’t be followed, still drunk from all the caipirinha’s they downed after they got out of the pool.

The sound of the tattoo gun made Poppy’s stomach drop and Harry noticed the expression on her face change.

“Oh No” he said “You’re not backing out now” he stood behind her and pushed her forward.”

The tattoo artist walked out from out the back and gave them both an up and down

“Newlyweds?” he said and Poppy and Harry burst into fits of laughter.

“No no” she said once she controlled herself “just friends”

“What do you want?”

Harry pulled his pants down and pointed to the place that they’d both agreed to get the tattoo “Brazil” he said

“You first?” the man nodded at Harry

“No” Harry shook his head “She’s going first, so she doesn’t change her mind”

He ushered them both into the back room and had Poppy lay down on the bed while he drew up a sketch for the tattoo that they would both get.

“I will write it in portugese for you” he grinned

Harry was leaning over his shoulder as he watched the sketch come to life. “Put an exclamation point at the end, we really love brazil”

Poppy was starting to sober up now and this didn't seem like such a good idea, but she didn’t want to back out now, she was just glad it was in a place she wouldn’t be able to see all the time.

“Ready?” the artist asked holding the sketch over her leg so he could trace it. Once everything was ready to go Harry grabbed onto Poppy’s  hand and looked straight into her eyes

“It doesn't hurt lady love, I wouldn't have so many if it did”

She closed her eyes so she didn’t have to watch and just focused on the sound of Harry’s slurry voice in her ear, telling her all about his first tattoo.

“Done!” Harry said and she opened her eyes and looked at it. It was bigger than she thought it would be, but she didn’t hate it.

She stood up and swapped places with Harry watching him go through the whole process. The sensation didn’t bother him in the slightest and it seemed to take only half the time because before she knew it, it was all over and Poppy Thomas and Harry Styles had matching tattoos.

“We’re officially best friends Poppy” Harry said as they got in the car to go back to the hotel

“Was squatting in your house for two months not enough to cement that into place?” she asked sarcastically

“It was” he smiled “ it’s just offical now.”

 Tuesday June 10th, 2014

Poppy was drowning in the assessments and revision that came with the end of semester, She had two essays and a business report due by Friday and she hadn’t started any of them and it didn’t help that she’d spent the last few nights at One Direction’s three Wembley Stadium shows. Harry had been away for so long, and he was scheduled to leave again in a few days, and she wouldn’t see him until after her summer break, so she took spending time with her best friend over her uni work. But the London shows were over now, and her assessments were still sitting on her desk staring at her and they weren’t going to do themselves. She sat down on her bed, with her laptop and all her notes, ready to get started on the business report, and about 10 minutes later she got a message from Harry:

“Tonight’s my last night in London, I’m coming over with wine because I’ve missed you”

“I have assignments to do Harry”

“Well, we’ll get drunk and do your assignments together, I miss you Pop and I won’t be home for months after this”

“How good are you at business reports?”

“Terrible, but I’m great at encouragement”

“It’s a deal then”

An hour later, Poppy had written a total of 10 words of 2000 on her report and she was ready to give up when Harry knocked on the door. His hair was tied back with a headscarf and he was wearing his trademark skinny jeans and a white t-shirt, bottle of wine in one hand, and blocks of chocolate in the other.

“Hi Stranger” she smiled as she let him in

“I saw you two nights ago- I’m hardly a stranger” he walked in, placing the wine on her counter and searching her cabinet for two glasses “you still don’t have wine glasses, do you?”

“I’m a student Harry, I don’t drink wine enough to justify buying wine glasses” Poppy said, walking into her room to grab her laptop and her notes

“Mugs it is then” he laughed, pouring the wine into Poppy’s  two favourite coffee mugs and handed her one as she  walked back in the room “So, what are we writing a report about?”

“Small business management” she smiled sarcastically “I’ve written 10 words so far, so I’m really smashing it out”

“Out of how many?” he questioned, raising an eyebrow

“Two Thousand”

“Right then” he sat down on the stool at the counter “guess we’re settling in for the night”

She walked over to where he was sitting and rested her head on his shoulder “I’ve missed you H.” he turned the chair around and wrapped his arms around her waist, resting his head on her chest

“I’ve missed you too” he laughed “and your boob cushions”

“There’s no cushioning there” she giggled, pushing his head away from her chest

“Good point” he smiled.

Harry was right when he said he was good at encouragement, he sat while Poppy worked and made small talk, telling her all the stories from the tour that he’d forgotten to tell her about over skype. Every time she stopped writing he would urge her to keep going, helping her out where he could, but finding himself way out of his depth most of the time. With the first bottle of wine down and the second one freshly opened, Poppy  decided she was too drunk to write any more, so she shut her laptop and poured herself another glass while she connected her phone to the Bluetooth speaker Harry had bought her for her 20th birthday, right before his fight with Kendall that broke them up for a few months.

“It’s time to s-sing Harry” Poppy stumbled over her words, standing up from her chair as the first few notes of ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ sounded around the room. His eyes widened, recognising the song and a large smile appeared on his face as he sang the first line.

“You’re insecure, don’t know what for” They both sang, pointing theirr fingers at each other, and dancing around the living room

“Everyone else in the room can see it, everyone else but you” Poppy laughed as Harry slurred his way through his own solo, giggling even more when she sang what what came next

“You sing this song every night!”

“And I don’t know the words” he burst out laughing, grabbing onto her hand and spinning her around “You don’t know you’re beautiful” he sang loudly throwing his head back and smiling at Poppy.

The moonlight beamed into the dark living room as Poppy and Harry danced their way around herr flat, not bothering to turn the lights on as they stumbled over furniture and each other.

“People going all the way

Yeah, all the way

I'm still wide awake”

Harry grabbed onto the bottom of his shirt and pulled it up and over his head, taking the headscarf with it, he threw it on the floor and continued dancing, flicking his shoes off as he went.

I wanna stay up all night

And jump around until we see the sun

I wanna stay up all night

And find a girl and tell her she's the one

They  were both singing at the top of their lungs, and Poppy found herself giggling every time Harry sang his own parts, mocking the change in the sound of his voice in the three years that had passed since the recording of the album.

“Hasn’t changed that much, me voice gets deeper when ‘m drunk” he said, pulling his socks off

“H- Harry?” she hiccupped as he started unbuttoning his jeans “why” she paused for a moment, watching as he struggled out of his jeans “are you taking your clothes off”

“don’t like clothes” he laughed “too restricting”

She shrugged and kept dancing as ‘One Thing’ echoed through the room, not unimpressed with the view.

“So get out, get out, get out of my head

And fall into my arms instead

I don't, I don't, don't know what it is

But I need that one thing

And you've got that one thing”

Poppy sang, grabbing onto Harry’s hand and Dancing over to the kitchen to pour them both some more wine. Forgetting about the loose floorboard, She tripped on it falling onto the floor.

“Fuck Harry!” Poppy cried “my toe”

He slid his back down the kitchen counter, and crouched on the ground next to her, putting his arm around her “You’re poor l-little toeee” he cooed, offering her a hand to help her up into a sitting position. She leant her head on his shoulder and put her leg over his as he sat down.

“I’ve had enough dancing now” she sighed, reaching up and grabbing her wine off the bench

“Me too” he stroked her leg gently

“Harry Styles is naked in my flat” Poppy giggled “most girls would kill to be me right now”  

“I’m naked in Poppy Thomas’ flat” he rested his head on Poppy’s “I think I’m the lucky one.”

 October 20th, 2014.

 Still dressed in her clothes from the night before Poppy walked up the three flights of stairs to get to her apartment, hoping that she wouldn’t pass anyone that she knew. When she got to her flat, there was was a string of light peeking out from under the door which Poppy registered as strange but put it down to how quickly she left last night. She twisted the key in the lock, and walked into her kitchen, throwing her handbag on the chair that she kept it on.

“Walk of shame Pop?” Harry’s voice floated into the kitchen from the couch in the living room, startling Poppy

“Christ Styles” she sighed “When did you get here?”

“I asked first” he added, rolling off the couch and standing up

“Yes” she said flatly, “I answered a booty call last night”

“Any good?” he asked, although he wasn’t sure he wanted the answer

“Average” she shrugged “Not as good as he thought he was”

“Typical” he laughed

Poppy reached her arms out, offering Harry a hug “Get over here Styles, I haven’t seen you in months”

He obliged and wrapped his arms around her with a smile plastered to his face “It’s good to be home” he sighed, breathing in the scent of Poppy’s shampoo.

“Tell me about tour?!” Poppy pulled herself away from the hug and waltzed back into the kitchen to put the kettle on.

“It was amazing, but christ I’m tired” he said, running his hands through his hair

“How long do you get off?” she took two mugs out of her cupboard and searched her bench of the jar of teabags that seemed to have walked away on it’s own two feet.

“Only a few weeks, the next albums out in less than a month then we’re in promo mode again, barely get christmas off this year”

“You need a break H”

“Jeff’s offered me a solo deal”

Poppy stopped her search for the tea bags “A what?!? She exclaimed

“A three album, 80 million dollar Solo Deal with Columbia Records”

“Fuck” Poppy sat down next to him “What are you going to do?”      

“I can’t leave the band” he shook his head and folded his arms on the bench in front of him “I’ll lose too much”

“You always wanted to be your own artist though”

“The contract we signed after x-factor said we would make five albums, that’s one two more, and then I’m done” He rested his head in the folds of his arms.

“How long is that?”

“A year” he sighed “and a bit”

“You can do one more year”

“I can” he nodded

[crossbows-and-moonshine]

Anam Cara (Chapter 15)

(Chapter 1)     (Chapter 2)     (Chapter 3)     (Chapter 4)

(Chapter 5)     (Chapter 6)     (Chapter 7)     (Chapter 8)

(Chapter 9)     (Chapter 10)     (Chapter 11)     (Chapter 12)

(Chapter 13)     (Chapter 14)

Luna and Romeo ended up being out all day. The boys kept calling him to check in and make sure everything was alright, they were worried the girl wouldn't come back. She just needed some space. She had calmed down quite a bit and the retail therapy helped her immensely. She knew she overreacted just a bit, she just didn't like the idea of her being so open with the boys when they were keeping things from her. But it was over and done with now and she just wanted to move past it. Romeo had been a good sport all day, only complaining a handful of times as she went in shop after shop. They ended up eating dinner in a fast food place and he was more than happy about that, but now, a billion shops later, they were finally on their way back. She had two bags of shopping with her and Romeo was carrying four more, she had gotten a lot of clothes from thrift stores for herself and even got the boys some things.

They were stood waiting to cross the street when the sound of tires screeching on the road made them jump back. Suddenly a grey van stopped right in front of them and four guys in masks jumped out.

“Aw fuck, chica run!” Romeo yelled, the pair of them dropping the bags as they made a run for it. He gripped her wrist to make her keep up with him and she almost fell over. They turned the corner and she heard bullets ricocheting off the bricks, she almost fucking shit herself.

“Holy shit!” She gasped, trying her best to keep up with her friend as they kept running, going down different side streets to confuse them and lose them. Her heart was hammering relentlessly in her ribcage and she felt like she might keel over and die before the men could get to her anyway.

Romeo ducked in an alley with her, crouching behind a dumpster. He grabbed his gun, thankful he had brought it with him as he loaded it and cocked it ready. Luna could hear the blood whooshing in her ears, she didn’t know if this was to do with the guy who wanted her, or just people that were after her boys in general, but she was scared. Romeo shot her an apologetic look, her whole body was shaking and she looked paler than usual. Her eyes widened when she heard footsteps coming down the alley and she looked to Rome frightened. He raised a finger to his lips, telling her to keep quiet and then he sprang up, gun pointed at the guy. Luna stayed huddled behind the dumpster, she couldn't see what was going on but she heard shouting and then a scuffle and her heart squeezed. She had no idea what to do or how to help him.

“He’s gonna drop his gun in a second.” She jumped when she heard the voice, whipping her head to the side to see someone she had only ever seen in her dreams.

“Rocco?” She whispered, bewildered as she stared at him. It wasn't the first time the dead came to visit her but it had been years since it happened when she was awake.

“The one and only. Now look, if you wanna help my replacement over there, you need to be sharp. When the fucker drops his gun, you gotta grab it and shoot him in the head.” He said firmly, looking at her seriously. She blinked at him slowly, she’d have to shoot someone. Sure he deserved it but she didn't know if she had the balls to take a human life. She couldn't hesitate or they'd both be dead.

“He’s gonna drop it, right...about...now!” She darted from behind the dumpster just in time to see the gun fall to the floor and she grabbed it, pointing it at the man who was pinning Romeo down and she pulled the trigger.

The noise echoed and she stumbled backwards as she felt warm sticky blood spatter onto her face, making her gasp. She watched as the man slumped on top of Romeo, bullet wound in his temple. Romeo shoved him off, scrambling to his feet as he looked at Luna with wide eyes. Her hand was shaking and she dropped the gun, feeling the bile rise in her throat.

“Don’t throw up, don’t wanna leave any DNA behind.” Rocco grinned, making her look to the side seeing him still there, she squinted at him as she tried to breathe carefully.

“Shit, Luna, that was awesome. You did good.” Romeo praised, grateful he was alive and it was all thanks to her.

“Do we...do we need to do the shit with the pennies or what?” She asked, her voice shaky as she stood avoiding looking at the dead body, the man she just killed.

“Nah, it's too messy, might as well just get the fuck outta dodge, the boys are worried about you anyway, they’ve been ringing this assholes phone and he ain’t picked up.” Rocco replied.

“We might as well leave it, we have to head back.” Romeo replied to her question, she heard Rocco snort next to her.

They made their way back in silence and Romeo was a little worried. She was too quiet and she kept glancing to the other side of her like someone was there and it was freaking him out. Not to mention he would have to tell the boys what just happened and they would lose their shit.

“Are you seriously just gonna follow us home?” Luna asked softly, glancing to Rocco. Romeo frowned to himself as he side glanced at her, wondering who the fuck she was talking to.

“Why not? Someone needs to keep an eye on you.” He grinned, making her roll her eyes at him. They got there and went up the fire escape. Romeo was beat to hell and Luna still had blood spatter on her face, she had tried to wipe it off but it had only smeared it around a little.

The boys were sat on the couch and when they saw the state of them, they jumped up.

“What the fuck happened?!” Murphy yelled, storming over and taking Luna's face in his hands as he tilted it, there was blood but it didn't seem to be hers.

“Four guys out of a van got the jump on us, we managed to outrun them, but one of them caught up to us.” Romeo explained as he took his coat off. Luna took hers off, vaguely feeling miffed that all the stuff she had bought today was discarded in the street somewhere after they had to run. The boys tensed up and shared a dark look.

“That doesn't explain why Luna’s got blood on her that ain’t her own.” Connor squinted, eyeing her up. She wouldn't look at them, she didn't know how she felt about taking a man's life. He might have deserved it but it was still difficult for her to deal with.

“Luna shot him, saved my fucking life.” Romeo smiled, almost proudly and the twins' eyes widened as they looked at her.

“Yeah well, I had help.” She mumbled, going to the sink and washing her hands and then her face, trying to scrub off the blood. The boys looked to Romeo curiously and he shrugged.

“She’s been acting weird since it happened, talking to someone who ain’t even there.” He whispered, glancing at her. The boys frowned and then turned back to her as she pat her face dry with the towel.

“Who helped ye?” Murphy asked curiously, making her glance to the side where no one was there. She raised a brow to Rocco, wondering if she should tell them and he gave her a lopsided grin.

“Tell them ‘Hallelujah Jaffar.’” He smirked, making her squint at him. She turned back to the boys, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Hallelujah Jaffar.” She said dryly, knowing they would get the reference. The boys' eyes widened as they glanced to each other, wide grins splitting their faces.

“Rocco's here?” Murphy asked excitedly, making Luna look at him like he was crazy, apparently they seemed to have forgot her and Romeo had just been shot at and she had to take a man's life.

She heaved a sigh and went to sit down, running a hand through her hair.

“Yes, he’s here. He was the one who saved Romeo, and me by all accounts. He told me the guy was gonna drop his gun.” She explained tiredly. The boys moved to the other couch and sat in front of her as Romeo rummaged in the freezer for some ice for his eye.

“Is he doin’ alright?” Connor asked, looking just as excited as his twin that Rocco was around. Luna glanced beside her to the hairy man and he nodded.

“Yeah.” She stated, her nerves were shot and her temper was frayed. She was trying to keep herself in check.

“Ask him what he’s been up te in the after life.” Murphy grinned playfully and despite the fact she loved it when the boy was happy, she snapped.

“I’m not playing Miss fucking Psychic, if you want to talk to him, use a fucking ouija board!” She yelled, standing up and going to the bedroom slamming the door behind her. The boys frowned, glancing to each other before back to the door.

She sat on the mattress, wiping a hand over her face as the reality of the situation settled over her. The door opened and she glanced up to see Murphy walk in hesitantly, like he was scared she might shout at him. He moved to sit in front of her, glancing at her warily.

“We’re sorry, we didn't mean te annoy ye.” He sighed softly, making Luna realise he drew the short straw being the one who had to come and apologize to her. She blew out a breath and leant back against the wall.

“It's fine Murph, I’m just…” She trailed off, not even having the right words.

“Tryin’ te deal with takin’ a man's life?” He offered, giving her a sympathetic smile. She nodded and glanced to her hands, they were still shaking slightly.

“I know it must be hard for ye love. I remember the first time I killed someone. It was when Connor jumped off the roof wit’ a fuckin’ bog te save me. The other guy survived and I bashed his head in with part o’ the toilet.” He frowned, thinking back on that awful day. He had thought that was it for him and his brother that day, that they would be separated forever.

“That was self defense.” She said softly, glancing at him.

“Aye, and so was this. He would o’ killed Rome, and then killed you. Ye did what ye had te do Luna.” He soothed, reaching out and taking her hand. She nodded, trying to let his words comfort her.

“Do you think it’s anything to do with the guy that's after me?” She asked hesitantly. He tensed a little, rubbing his lower lip with his thumb before nodding.

“Aye, too much o’ a coincidence not te be. But we’ll get him. We’ll track the other three pricks down and we’ll send them off te judgement.” He stated firmly. They sat in silence for a moment with him holding her hand.

“So...how did you two decide who was to come in here and talk to me?” She asked with a wry smile, making him blush slightly like he’d been caught out.

“Flipped a coin.” He snorted, glancing at her through his lashes and making her laugh. He smiled at the sound, glad she wasn't mad at them anymore, glad she was okay. The day had been packed full with ups and downs, it had started in the best way and then all went to shit. The news that Rocco was there, looking out for them and their girl, it made him and his brother unbelievably happy. Rocco had saved their lives today, and just knowing he was around, it eased the grief that still settled inside of him.

Murphy had always blamed himself for what happened to him, it was his idea to bring Rocco in on their little vigilante crusade, and it cost him his life. It was nice to know the man didn't blame him or his brother, that he was still there helping him whenever they needed him. It made him wonder what other divine interventions were actually Rocco's doing and he almost laughed at the thought of Rocco being some sort of guardian angel for them all. He wouldn't have picked anyone else. He hoped things would settle now, he knew the girl had to come to terms with what she did, she wasn't like him or Connor. It wasn't easy for her to just take someone's life, even if they deserved it. She hadn't been given that task from God like they had. He couldn't wait to track this fucker down and anyone helping him, taking them out and finally giving their girl the sense of peace she needed. They had to do it asap, today was a wake up call for them all, she wasn't safe anywhere, people were obviously watching her and that spelt trouble for them all, the sooner those fuckers were dead, the sooner Luna could go back to being her usual happy self and not having to look over her shoulder.

Taglist; @risingphoenix761 @daryldixonandfrogs @arlaina28

[tirstyspngirl]

Too Much to Take

Febuwhump Day 2: Mind Control @febuwhump

Fandom: Supernatural

Trigger Warnings: Canon-typical violence, mild descriptions of injuries

Tags: Whump, Hurt Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester takes care of Sam Winchester, Hallucifer (mentioned), Sam Winchester hates clowns, post Season 7 Episode 14: Plucky Pennywhistle’s Magical Menagerie, emotional hurt/comfort

Dean glanced back over at his sleeping brother, glad to see he was finally getting some semblance of rest. They’d gone back to the motel, Sam took a ridiculously long shower to remove the glitter, and Dean cleaned out as much of the vile substance as possible out of his baby. He thought about forcing Sam to do it, but the kid seemed miserable enough. No need for Dean to make it any worse. 

As soon as the glitter was as gone as possible, they’d gathered their gear and booked it out of Kansas. Sam took a long time to settle, obviously still keyed up from fighting his biggest fear. Now he was curled up against the window, cheek pressed to the cool glass of the window. Dean caught movement out of the corner of his eye and looked over to Sam. Sam’s face was pinched and he was pressing his thumb into his palm. Dean sighed inwardly. His brother couldn’t seem to catch a break. Or any sleep. 

Dean had been driving aimlessly up until that moment, the only goal being to get the hell out of Kansas. Seeing his brother constantly tormented made his heart ache. Not that he’d ever admit to such a girly notion, but it was true all the same. It was then that he decided they needed a well deserved break. He aimed the Impala towards the one place the brothers frequently talked about, but never seemed to make it to: the Grand Canyon. 

They drove straight through the night. Sam continued to pretend to sleep, pressing his hand every so often. Dean pretended not to notice and pressed down the accelerator just a tiny bit harder. When they arrived in Cameron, Arizona, they booked a room at the Grand Canyon Motel and Dean dropped right into bed. The motel was a little nicer and busier than they normally chose, but it was close to the canyon and Dean was too tired to care much about it. 

Despite the fact that Sam had been pretending to sleep and not actually sleeping, Sam didn’t follow Dean’s lead. Instead he left to grab coffee. As Dean slept, Sam researched more on Dick Roman. Not that he found any useful info, but Lucifer wouldn’t let him sleep much, so Sam didn’t even bother to try. 

Dean woke in the early afternoon, Sam tapping away furiously at the keyboard. Coffee at the ready right in front of him. As Dean walked to the bathroom to shower he glanced at the trashcan already half full with empty coffee cups. He sighed, but kept his mouth shut. He knew there was nothing he could say to Sam that would do any good and he really didn’t want to start an argument.

When Dean was done with his shower they found the nearest diner for lunch. Dean scarfed down his double cheeseburger with extra onions as Sam picked at his grilled chicken salad. Dean tried to encourage his brother to eat, but Sam refused to eat more than a few bites. 

“Are y’all done with your food?” The waitress asked as she walked up to the table. Sam jerked in surprise.  

“Yes, Ma'am,” Dean said, scooting his plate towards her. Sam scooted over his plate without a word.

“You sure you’re done honey?” she asked Sam. 

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“You should eat more if you’re planning on heading down to the Canyon. Gotta keep your strength up. Too many people have gone missing lately and all the recent sightings. Can’t be too careful.”

“Sightings of what?”

“Why the Mogollon monster of course.” She said, walking away with the dishes. “Be careful out there boys.” She called over her shoulder. 

“So much for our vacation.” Dean sighed. 

____________________________________________________________________________

“So this Mogollon monster. It’s not usually spotted in this area, but it isn’t too far of a stretch to say it could have made its way out here. It’s been known to act extremely violent and its scream sounds like a woman in distress. It’s essentially the Arizona version of Bigfoot. No lore on how to kill it, so we’ll have to take several weapons with us when we go after it.” Sam said as Dean walked into the room in his Fed suit. “What‘d you find?”

“There have been 7 missing persons cases in the park in the past 4 months. No patterns connecting them that I can see right away. They found traces of body dragging. They assumed it was a mountain lion. Attacks by mountain lions aren’t super common though, so it’s definitely unlikely that’s what’s actually happening. Sounds like this moglin creature is our most likely suspect.”

“Mogollon, and yeah, seems like it. Did you get any info on the last sightings of any of these people. It’s a big park. We need to narrow down where to search.”

“Only on two of them. One was with his group of friends. He went missing overnight from the campground on the South rim. There weren't any signs of brute force near his tent, so my guess is he went to take a piss and was snatched.”

“And the other?”

“She was on a solo trip, but the night before she officially went missing, she checked in with her mother, said she was going to be on the Roaring Springs Trail. Then, when she didn’t check in that night like she was supposed to, her mom reported her missing.”  

“You said they found some drag marks, where were those?”

“Out near the Cliff Springs Trail.”

“Ok. Let me pull up a map. See where those spots are and see if we can’t find a likely spot to find this thing.” 

___________________________________________________________________________

“Ok, since we’re hiking in, we gotta be smart about what we take with us. I’m glad we’re getting to see this damn thing, but I do not want to die in this canyon.” Dean snorted as they dug through the trunk.

“Yeah. A decent amount of water for sure. We each have our sidearms. A machete each. A couple different mags, one silver, one iron. What else should we take? There is absolutely no lore on ways to kill it.”

“I say we take the bronze dagger and flare guns too and obviously some salt and lighter fluid. Honestly, I don’t want to take much more than that. Worst case scenario none of what we have with us works and we regroup, come back later with different stuff.”

Sam sighs at Dean’s response. “I really don’t want to have to come back out here again. I just want to kill this thing and be done with it.”

“Me too, Sammy. Me too.”

With that, Dean closes the trunk and they head down the trail towards their monster of the week. They hike for close to 3 hours before they hear sounds of movement nearby. Simultaneously, the boys stop, straining to hear where the sound may be coming from. With a quick hand gesture, the boys split, Dean moving to the left and Sam to the right, guns raised and ready to shoot. 

The hairs raise on the back of Dean’s neck, alerting his hunter sixth sense to something nearby. He glances at Sam, only to see a hairy beast at least a foot taller than Sam and twice as buff right behind his brother. 

“Sam! Look out!”

Sam spins around, only for a massive arm to swing, sending Sam flying into a nearby rock. Sam slumps sideways upon impact, clearly unconscious.

“Hey! Ugly!” 

As soon as the furry beast turns toward Dean, he send 2 bullets into the monster’s chest and 2 into his head. The monster drops and Dean can hardly believe it. Was it seriously that easy to drop the damn thing? WIthout dropping his firearm, Dean walks over to the beast. Its brown eyes are staring up, unseeing and there is no rise to its chest. Dean kicks it for good measure, but when there is no reaction from it he knows it’s dead.

 Dean scrambles to Sam’s side and shakes his brother’s shoulder, but Sam doesn’t respond. Quickly he checks for a pulse and sighs in relief when he feels it bounding along. Dean feels the back of Sam’s head only to find a decent bump already forming. If he doesn’t have a concussion, he’ll have a wicked headache at least. Dean takes the opportunity of Sam’s unconsciousness to feel along his ribcage as well. Unfortunately at least one rib is broken on the left side and 2 on the right. Dean pats down the rest of Sam’s body, thankful to find no other apparent injuries.  

Sam still hasn’t woken up by this point, so Dean presses his knuckles into Sam’s sternum. Sam groans in response and Dean lets out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. “Come on, Sammy” he says as he digs his knuckles in harder. Sam blinks his eyes open. Almost immediately, Sam’s eyes dart behind Dean’s right shoulder and winces. Dean glances behind him, but doesn’t see anything over his shoulder. When Dean looks back at Sam, there are tears in Sam’s eyes and looks seconds away from a breakdown. 

“Sam?” he asks tentatively. He keeps his voice soothing and low as if speaking to a frightened child or animal. 

“I can’t take this anymore, Dean.”

“What?”

“It’s too much. The clowns from earlier this week, and Bobby dying, and Lucifer is screaming his head off behind you. Now it hurts to breathe and we’re 3 hours from the car, I have a splitting headache and I just can’t. I can’t do it.” The dam broke, and tears spilled out of Sam’s eyes.

“Oh Sammy.” Dean literally feels his heart breaking as he listens to Sam give up. But he can’t let him. “Look, I know it’s been really shitty lately. Losing Bobby was a serious blow. And I know those clowns hit you real hard, but we’re going to figure out how to get Lucifer out of your head and it will get better. I promise you. Everything just feels worse right now cause of that head injury. Pretty sure you got a good concussion going and I’m sure your head hurts something fierce. We’ll get you back to the motel, wrap up those ribs and get on some real nice pain meds. You can rest for as long as you need. I won’t look for any hunts until you’re back in tip top shape ok?”

Sam looked at Dean hesitantly. Dean couldn’t blame him. Lucifer was only getting worse and they had no idea how to make it go away. Plus they were at a stalemate in the Leviathan issue with no leads on where to even look. And a 3 hour hike sounded daunting to even Dean right now, and he didn’t have 3 broken ribs and a concussion. But Sam nodded anyway. 

Dean cupped his hand on the back of Sam’s neck, offering him strength. “I’m gonna salt and burn this bitch real quick and then we’ll get you out of here. Ok sammy?”

Dean waited until he saw Sam’s nodded answer before turning back to the monster. He pulled out the small canister of salt and sprinkled it liberally over the entire beast. 

“Damn Sammy, I thought you were a giant, but you got nothing on this dude.” Dean heard a small huff of laughter and took that as a good sign as he poured the lighter fluid on top of the salt layer. He opened a pack of matches and stuck one. He tossed it on the monster and turned away without looking back for any confirmation that the monster was burning. Sam was visibly attempting to get himself under control. As Dean turned back towards him, he steeled his expression and let Dean help him to his feet.

“Okay little brother. Let’s get you out of here.”

[worlduniversityrp-blog]

Accepted Sicily OC App

Posting my own OC app as an example for how to fill out the new OC-specific application!

OOC

Name: Dakota/Kota. Pronouns: she/her Contact URL: romanope

Character Wanted: Sicily OC

IC

Full Name: Marianna di Mauro Age / Year: 22, 3rd year/junior Gender / Pronouns: Female, she/her

Appearance: Please be detailed and fill out each section accordingly so that we know what your OC looks like. Pictures appreciated.

Hair: Marianna has 3a curly hair, a dark brown color that reaches her mid-back, though she likes to keep it in a bun or ponytail often, to keep it out of her face since her curls are very messy (even then, they still manage to get in her face anyways). When it’s down, hair falls over her shoulders and she has visible bangs that fall in her face.

Face: She has deep, amber brown eyes with thick and long eyelashes, and a usually relaxed expression to them. She also tends to wear eyeliner and eyeshadow at times, too. Her eyebrows are thick as well, softly angled with a low arch. Her face is oval-shaped, typical of Sicilians, with defined features and noticeable jawline (but still soft), as well as high cheekbones; she has a big, aquiline, Italian nose, almond-shaped eyes, and fuller lips (not African full). Her upper lip has a slight M shape, and is less fuller than her bottom lip, usually accessorized by dark red lipstick.

Skin: She has a natural honey-skinned tone, a dark olive tone, even brown-ish, that is littered with moles and sunspots. She tans very easily, and such has given her such a dark tone after years of living in the sunny Mediterranean on her family’s farm. She has a noticeable moles/beauty marks/sunspots along her skin.

Body: She has a pear to hourglass, chubby body shape. Her chest is smaller, around a C, with short and stubby, chubby legs (no thigh gap) and a thick butt. Her arms are stronger, but her legs are also strong. Despite having a chubbier body shape, she still works herself out and does have strength, but she has pudge around her tummy area. She is 5’3” and 158 lbs. She shaves her legs but her arms are noticeably hairy.

Etc.: She has a scar on the back of her neck from an ‘accident’ when she was in highschool. It’s healed by now, and usually covered by her hair, only appearing as a lighter color of her skin. She also wears a lot of jewelry, some handmade.

Pic(s): Francesca Chillemi; Art: 1 2 3

Personality: Marianna has a very independent attitude; she seeks little help from others, feeling it’s only worth it if she does things for herself. She likes to be leading, rather than be lead, and is quick to take the initiative and place herself in the position of responsibility. She doesn’t like being told what to do or be controlled, which she is very stubborn about, and wants things to go her way or no way at all – she hates being talked down to or controlled, or treated like she isn’t capable, especially if it’s because of her gender. She is also easily impatient or frustrated, especially in situations where someone is doing something wrong, something that she could easily do herself. Because of this she can come off as bossy or bitchy, but she wouldn’t let you even call her that.

Her own independence does cause for her to be a little asocial; not that she has no capability of socializing, she just doesn’t want to. She likes to keep a few friends, none more. She is also pretty closed off with herself, stifling any emotions that she fears would make her look weak, especially that of love. Her own trust and abandonment issues make it harder for her to keep steady relationships, friends or lovers. But she is very caring and loving towards the people that she considers worth it. Friends are basically family to her, she grew up with that value in her family, so she treats her friends like they’re family. She likes to help people with things, cook things for them, etc. And always been there for them when they need her to. She might have trouble at times with empathizing, but she can at least be sympathetic and supportive.

She’s never without good intentions, unless you are ill towards her first. The only reason she would ever act disdainful toward you, is if you were to treat her just as badly. She holds grudges and holds them hard, so don’t expect much forgiveness if you treat her terribly. She is very hot-tempered, so it doesn’t take much to tip her off, but she tries to keep herself civil.

Skills:

Independence: She does not rely on others to get things done, while sometimes her own independence can prove to be a flaw, it also makes her strong in knowing that she doesn’t need others to do everything and can survive on her own.

Writing: Obviously, writing is one of her talents; she has been writing and making stories since she was little. She likes to write romances or tragedies, often a realistic tone, but sometimes fantasy can catch her eye.

Cooking: She grew up in a big family; two younger brothers, her mother, and her grandparents. She was quick to learn how to help around the house and do things herself, and that included cooking, cleaning, farming, and so on.

Flaws:

Independence: It doubles; while her independence helps her, at times it destroys her as well. She refuses help even when she could clearly use some. This applies to her own well being as well, which is why even in the face of her own mental problems, she refuses help. She also fears losing people, which is why she’ll be quick to close people off if she develops feelings for them. If she’s alone, she thinks, then she can’t get hurt by loss.

Perfectionist: Due to the manner in which she was raised, she became too hard-working for her own good. Things had to be perfect; if she didn’t do it right, she’d hear it from her parents. She ended up being an overachiever and tiring herself out by the time she was in highschool, and whenever her grades were lacking she hated herself for it.

Abandonment Issues: She has times where she completely shuts herself off due to her own fear of losing people; whenever she feels like she’s only proving to be an annoyance or feeling annoyed, she will sometimes act cold, or pull herself away and isolate herself as always. It’s hard for her to trust, though she tries really hard to not let these feelings best her.

Backstory:

Marianna was born in Catania, Sicily. She grew up on a big farmhouse with her mother, two younger brothers, and her grandparents. Her father walked out when she was only 4, so she barely remembered him; he would sometimes promise to visit but never live up to such a promise. The one time he visited, she was cold and ignored him. She was never close to any of her parents; only sometimes did she feel close to grandfather when she was younger, but he passed away when she was 8, leaving her to close herself off from her parents near completely, her own child self’s way of coping.

Her mother and grandmother certainly didn’t make it any better for her. They would often act verbally abusive toward her, and put her down - and her mother often played favorites with her younger brothers. When she was younger, she despised them for it, blaming them for it rather than their parents. When she was in high school, she got closer to them when she came to realize that it wasn’t their fault.

Throughout her school years she didn’t have many friends. A few would come and go, never last. She struggled to make friends with her brothers sometimes, so often she found herself alone. Working, writing. When she was in middle school her family got a cat named Luna, who was practically hers since she would be the one taking care of her. She was pretty attached to her.

In highschool (upper secondary) was the first time Marianna had some steady and close friends. She spent a lot of time with them, for once feeling like she was surrounded by people she could trust, and that she could forget about her own fear of losing them. She had two close friends, Daniela and Letizia, and a friend of theirs that would later become her boyfriend, Marino. Things felt wonderful for a while, until her last year in highschool.

Her friends started to grow distant on her, and while she tried to ignore it and hope nothing was going wrong, they were quick to turn on her. They spread rumors about her, and so quickly did things go to shit. There were several things they made up about her. Some things were small, like how they said she cheated on exams, or talk shit about her and call her annoying, clingy; they even threatened her to a certain degree, and on that day she missed school.

The worst rumor that they spread was that she had cheated on her boyfriend with one of her friend’s, Daniela’s boyfriend, and had hit on her as well; the rumor found it’s way to him before her, and he grew cold and distant without warning. She was confused and distraught by everything already, but when she heard the rumor, she immediately showed up at his house to try and talk to him, since he ignored all her calls and texts. She didn’t expect that he would immediately lash out at her when she tried to talk to him about it, and to scream and yell at her and ended up shoving her and hitting her. She immediately lashed back out at him, and punched him so hard in the face that she knocked him out, which caused her trouble with his family. In the midst of her frustrations, she also cursed out her two ex-friends at school. The two things got her suspended from school for a week for her behavior, and detention.

The rest of the year she was very cold, bullied by a majority of her peers for being a cheater, and that girl who beat up her boyfriend. She didn’t make new friends, just did things alone. Her school didn’t help her one bit, and she started slacking off due to her mental health. Her mother got her a therapist just so she would do better in school, which is probably the only reason everything didn’t get to her too bad after some time. After highschool, she took an off year before decided to go to university in America, away from everything in Sicily that she just wanted to leave behind.

Headcanons:

When she was very little, she and Lorenzo were family friends because their family knew each other. Just like most other friends, past primary school they didn’t see each other. She barely remembers him and vice versa.

Her little brothers are only 1 and 2 years younger than her, named Francesco and Salvatore respectively. They still live in Italy with their parents. Their father walked out on them shortly after Salvatore was born, so he doesn’t even remember him at all.

Writing was her biggest escape when she young, she liked to make stories but never shared them with anyone else. Sometimes she would post them online on social media writing sites, but that was only if she had the confidence to show them off.

She also loved reading a whole lot. She used to read books a lot with her grandfather, he would sometimes read her old timey poetry and literature, other times they’d read children’s books. In highschool, her favorite books were always old ones, especially tragedies and romances, which is why she likes writing those so much. Her favorite is Divine Comedy.

After her experience with her only boyfriend, she is very timid about relationships. If she develops feelings for someone, she quickly pushes them away before she or them gets hurt by her own emotions.

Major(s): Professional Writing

Minors: Creative Writing

Courses: Some specific courses they take for their major/minors. (Optional)

Ships:

OTP(s): Madricily.

NOTP(s): None else.

[artificialqueens]

Church of the Poison Mind (Trixya) Ch. 5 - Dahlia

AN: I’m so sorry for the wait, thank you all for your patience!! It’s been a rough couple of weeks trying to get this chapter out, and I could not have done it without my babies Lale and Matilda! <3 Thank you everyone for the kind words, they’ve really kept me going. Enjoy! :)

Her father’s truck was a bit older now, but just as beautiful and grand as the first time she’d seen it. She loved the metallic red paint, how it glittered in the sun; the smooth beige seats, and how her thighs, sticky with sweat, would adhere to the leather on hot days. She’d never forget the day he’d first brought it home, how foreign it looked in the driveway, how new and exciting.

Her mother had been jealous of it, of course, as she had with most things; resigned herself to the den with some remark about a whirlwind romance between him and the OnStar lady. Trixie liked it though, loved it, especially the DVD player he’d had installed just for her. It felt like home, a feeling that was ever fleeting those days.

The truck felt different with her riding shotgun, that woman. The woman she’d seen around at company barbecues, and holiday parties. It was okay though, they weren’t doing anything wrong, just giving her a ride home. After all, the barbecue had gone on later than usual, and she was probably just too tired to drive herself home. Probably just too drunk, they both were. Trixie could see her father’s sunken eyes in the reflection of the rear view mirror, and she worried then of her mother, pictured her still awake, counting minutes on her fingers. Trixie wondered how late they’d be back this time, if there’d be hell to pay when they got home.

The moon hung low in the sky, full and bright, and her eyes constructed images around its yellow glow. A suspension of ropes and pulleys, ticking gears and thudding sandbags; she imagined, risen each night by some stagehand, sheathed in darkness. Quite like the rise and fall of her chest, hollowed, with its own network of webbed intricacies, and backstage operators. Every thought that passed through her suspending some great disbelief.

And then it happened, simple and absent mindedly, it happened. She witnessed her father’s hand drift across the center console, slide up her knee, and come to rest on the bulk of her thigh. And everything shattered, like a picture frame torn from the wall, a crack down the center of their family portrait. Fevered tears broke havoc against the sweet swell of her pink cheeks, streaming off of her chin, tangling in her hair. Every lie Trixie had ever told herself, told her mother, dissolved into the break of dawn.

On ceaseless nights, when sour thoughts kept her awake, she could still hear his voice, soft and sweet, like a whisper; could still see his face, half shaded under the flickering glow of the porch light.

2:01 A.M. A school night.

“I’m just gonna make sure she gets home okay, alright? But I might not be home until really late, so don’t get worried. Go right to bed, don’t wait up. If she asks, just tell your mama that I crashed at Ben’s house. You wouldn’t want her thinking anything funny, right? That would just make us fight more, and I know you don’t want that.”

She waited up anyway. He hadn’t come home, again.

—

A cooling dew lingered in the grass well into late morning, a damp thickness clinging to the sparse brown leaves overhead. And as the sun–intermittently veiled, bestrewn with foreboding storm clouds–continued its curvature across the early November sky, the crests of the Catskills faded into a soft, foggy gray. The usual birds of sunrise, still tucked away in their dens, nestled quietly into the faint whisper of calm. And through strained ears, Trixie leaned outward to listen, to the finches and rain doves, chattering happily into the wake like friendly beacons. She smiled warmly from the front window, pulled on a cardigan, and sent silent thanks to Violet for refilling the bird feeders like she’d asked.

Trixie stepped off of her front porch and into the light of morning; she paused for a moment, allowed the mist to settle into her lungs, and started down the drive. Kim’s car sat idling, parallel the sidewalk, and clouds of exhaust billowed from its tailpipe, swirling into streams of daylight. She bounced down the wooden steps, and as the screen door swayed shut, thoughts of Katya, quite like beads of water, evanesced into the air.

A weekend of rumination, of sunlight and crisp autumn air, had brought her to a few conclusions, and she settled into them, calm and ready. It was a new day, a fresh start. Things would be different, they had to be.

4 missed calls.

Kim greeted her with a sleepy smile, and they made their way to the university. Waves of bleary eyed students filtered in and out of cars in a revolving shuffle, and Trixie was resentful toward Kim for dragging her out of bed so early. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes, careful around her mascara, parted ways with Kim, and set off for something to fill the hours before her first class.

“Trixie, darling!” a familiar voice called from across the quad, “Kim was just telling me that you’re a bird nerd like me!”

Trixie pivoted her upper body to find Max, standing excitedly by the marble steps of the front entrance, waving around a stack of flyers. She stood beneath a small gray umbrella, and her hair seemed almost lighter in the overcast, her skin, pale and unblemished. Trixie took comfort in her warmth, found shelter from the rain in her kind eyes; rainy days suited her.

“A bird nerd?” Trixie smiled, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Forgive me, do you prefer ornithologist in training?”

“Well, I wouldn’t exactly call myself an ornithologist, but I like bird watching.”

“My apologies! Might I say, you’d be perfect for our bird watching club. We meet every Friday.”

Max extended a flyer to Trixie, it read across the top, in looping cursive: Live and Let Fly.

“I highly wren-commend it,” Max continued, “It’s a real hoot, but by all means, take some time and really gull it over.”

They paused for a moment, a beat resting between them, before falling into laughter.

“I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me. Promise you’ll still attend?” Max said, red in the face.

“Of course I will, I wouldn’t want to ruffle your feathers.” Trixie grinned.

The girls laughed while thoughts of sanctuary echoed through her, and despite those dark hours, when loneliness crowded the lull of her exhale, she felt safe here, at home. She found friends who suited her, soothed her, jokes that made her laugh; but she was wary, things like home, safety, loomed like a cruel and efficient saboteur. She rose with the sun each morning, just on the cusp of daybreak, knowing that if she’d only risen a few moments sooner, her room would still rest in darkness.

—

As the afternoon progressed, dark storm clouds closed the sky and rain beat hard against the windows of her chemistry classroom. She sat lost in daydream, and the hours passed happily, her ears savoring the sweet drum of downpour from her cozy spot indoors. She worried then of how she’d make it to Kim’s car without an umbrella, but decided to pay it little mind.

“Well, it would look as though we are finished!” Katya beamed, Wednesday having come and gone with ease, “I expect those papers by Friday. So make like little ants on ground and work, mama, work. Get. It. Done.” She stood from her swivel chair at the head of the class, made her way to the door, and clasped her hands together, watching as students trickled out.

“Rain is like cats and dogs, get home safe little ants, crawl on home!” she called after them.

Trixie smiled as she brushed passed Katya on her way out the door; her hair was much longer than it had been at the start of the year, but her lectures grew shorter and shorter by the day. Instead, she delved deeper into projects and labs, which the class preferred; Trixie being the exception. Katya had such ardor for her work, such an encompassing enthusiasm. And Trixie could listen to her speak for hours, wanting nothing more than to cocoon herself in that Russian curl.

“Tracy! One second, I speak to you?”

Trixie blushed, stopping in her tracks, and Katya waited for the room to clear before speaking.

“Your last lab,” she began, beaming, “The notes were so… extensive! So spirited. You are such strong writer.”

“Really?” Trixie’s breath hitched in her chest as Katya’s soft eyes came to rest on hers. Bird songs outside the second floor window rang in her ears, instinctively, she plucked out the staccato trilling of nearby chickadees. She settled into the chatter, looked down at her hands, and then to Katya’s pointed pumps. The tips of their toes faced each other, and Trixie peered up from under painted lashes, unable to escape the shy smile pulling at the corners of her mouth. Katya still had the impression of rimmed safety goggles outlining her eyes.

“It is quite welcome change from the usual drone, maybe you could give Roxxxy a few pointers?”

“That bad, huh?” Trixie grinned, her body leaning inward.

“Have you ever watched the corpse of a tiny, hairy pig slowly decay?”

They laughed in unison; Katya’s laugh a little too great for the moment. And Katya slipped off her lab coat, folding it over one arm, before throwing it over the edge of the desk. As she did this, the fabric teased down her shoulder. Trixie’s heart skipped a beat. The A-line of Katya’s dress cut into the sharp indentation of her collarbone, the red brightly contrasting her creamy shoulders. And the space between the dwindled.

“I should get going, Kim’s probably waiting for me… she doesn’t like the rain, she’s always afraid it’ll mess up her makeup.”

The words left Trixie’s lips a bit breathier than she’d intended them to.

“I’m glad we can talk like this, I like you. I want you to feel comfortable around me,” she said, stale cigarettes and dirty chai leaving her tongue, “see you tomorrow, Tallulah?”

“Tomorrow,” she smiled.

She waited for Katya to collect her folders, albeit longer than she’d expected to, as Katya slovenly sifted through the clutter. Trixie held out the door for her, and the scent of cardamom crept out of Katya’s empty coffee cup from where it perched against her ribcage, pressed into the crook of her elbow; Trixie would miss the lingering twist of clove when they parted ways.

—

Trixie swiped a school paper from the welcome desk, and held it over her head, braving the downpour. She scurried to Kim’s usual parking spot, to find that another car had taken its place. Trixie pressed a protective hand to her forehead in an attempt to shelter her mascara. Her eyes wandered across the parking lot, stopping on every idling car. She peered down at her dress, noticing that the cotton had gone sheer under the weight of the rain. There had been a tree close by, just tall enough for Trixie to duck under, and she did, though the rain persisted steadily through the branches. Her phone screen dotted with small beads of water as she pulled it from her purse and opened their group chat.

Trixie: Bitch where are you??? It’s pouring??? I could win a wet t-shirt contest tbh

Kim: oh

Kim: MY

Kim: GOD

Trixie: WHAT

Kim: girl I’m so sorry, so sorry. I promised Jinkx a ride to the secondary exhibition tonight and I totally forgot to tell you…

Jinkx: Sorry girl! I had no idea!

Trixie: FUCK. can you please let me know these things ahead of time?? Idk like maybe one of the 40,000 times I saw you today?????????????????????

Pearl: OKAY QUESTION MARKS.

Kim: I said sorry, can I call you a cab?

Trixie: don’t worry about it, it’s okay. I’ll get an Uber or something.

Kim: I love you!!

Trixie: Ily2

It wasn’t okay, but Trixie couldn’t be upset for long. Kim meant well, she always had. Her commitments were just piled too high, her inhibitions stretched thin, and Trixie couldn’t blame her for being scatterbrained. Trixie wiped her phone screen with the already dampened edge of her dress and tucked it beneath her palm, hopeful that water wouldn’t seep into the speakers. The blaring trill of someone laying on their horn made small hairs on the back of her neck stand up.

“Tamara! You’re dripping wet, chicken. Is that rain water, or are you just really happy to see me?” Katya called, hanging her head out of the car window. Her wood-panelled station wagon seethed under a canopy of trees, and thick exhaust clouded heavily into the fog while water sheeted down the rear windows.

“What?” Trixie shouted back over the roar of the engine, squinting through the rain.

“Where’s your ride?”

“Don’t have one!”

“Get in loser!”

Trixie hesitated for a moment, then hurried to the passenger’s side. The handle resisted a bit at first, her fingers slick against the metal, but gave in under her grasp, and the door opened with a long, creaking groan. She tossed her bag over the front seat, and into the back, throwing her bottom down onto the cracked leather. As she slammed the door shut, empty coffee cups and fast food wrappers upended beneath her feet, crunching beneath her boots.

Trixie paused to eye Katya in the driver’s seat, and the image of her fit so naturally. Her cheeks warmed.

“Thank you… So much, really. I was like a drowned rat out there!” Trixie offered, smoothing the skirt of her dress down around her thighs. The fabric wrinkled together in sopping bunches and matted ringlets of hair pressed flat against her face, streaming tears of rainwater down her skin. Trixie looked down at her soaked clothing, and tried to conceal the lace of her bra, more so the hard push of her nipples through the sheer of the fabric. Though she was relieved to be safe from the rain, a chill ran through her.

“Da, a drowned rat! But one of those pretty, award winning rats, like from the reality TV shows! Glamorous trash rat, you are!” Katya wheezed into laughter.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Trixie lilted in response.

Katya pulled the car out of park, eased her foot onto the gas, and the car jerked forward. Trixie, wide eyed and slightly panicked, made haste fastening her seatbelt.

“You’ve never seen Rat Wars?” Katya turned to face Trixie, excitedly,  “It was such big deal where I’m from! Mama Zamolodchikova was GAGGED when little Vinny got disquali-”

“Watch where you’re going!” Trixie shouted over her.

Katya made a sudden, exaggerated swerve around a group of pedestrians, just missing them, and they glared up at her from underneath colorful umbrellas. Katya continued on, completely unaffected.

“ANYWAY, it’s wild! People take their rats very seriously. There’s so many varieties!”

Trixie’s phone screen lit up; 11 missed calls. She pushed passed the notification.

Trixie: THANKS A LOT. Now I’m in a car with this FREAK.

Kim: omg who

Trixie: K a t y a

Pearl: OH SHIT SOMEBODY’S GETTIN LAID TONIGHT I HOPE YOU SHAVED GIRL

Trixie: pls die

A swell of Russian folk music resonated softly from the tinny speakers, and Katya let a hand fall to the dial to quiet it.

“You know, it isn’t nice, telling your friends to die. Now please, tell this freak where you live so we can get your soggy ass off my leather seats,” Katya beamed, proudly.

“OKAY.” Trixie mused, “If you could not read my texts, that’d be super cool! To be honest, you being a freak isn’t really a surprise to anyone though. It’s kind of common knowledge at this point.”

“You would know better than anyone…” Katya eyed her suggestively, raising an eyebrow, “actually, you don’t have to tell me where you live, I remember.”

“Can you please keep your eyes on the road, freak.” Trixie’s face flushed.

“Sure thing, Tracy.”

Katya made a few wrong turns but managed to find Trixie’s house, and the car puttered to a stop, lurching forward as she put it in park.

Trixie turned to face her, her cheeks a soft pink. They rested in the quiet for what felt like centuries, their eyes making and breaking contact. Without looking down, Trixie picked at the chipped edge of her manicure.

“Thank you, for the ride, really, I appreciate it… Hey,  wanna come inside?” she offered nervously, “I can put on a pot of coffee, or whatever it is creatures like you live off of.”

“I would,” Katya paused to curate an excuse, “but… I have some work with small children to attend to. Another time, perhaps?”

“Sure thing.”

She faltered for a moment, and an uneasy silence snuck in between them. Embarrassment flooded Trixie’s bloodstream, pooling hot and harsh in her temples. She couldn’t believe she’d really said that to her professor, and looking back, the entirety of their conversation felt suddenly inappropriate. Had she pushed too far, made Katya uncomfortable? A small sickness blossomed within her.

She scanned Katya’s face, searching for something, anything, a hint of remorse. Instead of unease, she found simmering tension, a whisper of regret even. Trixie could feel the gravity between them, almost palpable, pulling them closer like magnets.

“You know Tracy… I really enjoy having you.”

“Having me?” Trixie leaned in, whispering softly, her words close to Katya’s lips. She couldn’t help herself. Their mouths were close, their noses closer, but not quite touching.

Katya’s face flushed, her eyelashes fluttering closed.

“As a student, I mean. I mean, you know what I mean.” Her eyebrows raised, her eyes still shut.

They teetered there, in that space together, and fog ballooned across the windows around them; they were almost touching, almost.

Trixie wrestled herself away from Katya’s allure, wishing she had instead just closed the space between them. She inhaled a shaky breath, steadying herself. Her shoulders shook on the exhale, like a leaf fallen in last year’s sky, wavering to the concrete, waiting to be flattened by unforgiving shoes.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, da?” Katya half whispered, her lips still startlingly close to Trixie’s.

Trixie could feel the blood leave her face, could hear it then, pounding in her ears.

“Tomorrow,” she replied.

Unbeknownst to Trixie, her purse lay forgotten in the back seat, looming, like Cinderella’s glass slipper on the staircase.

[soft-boy-stefan]

He Really Loves Cuddling [a Barry Allen AU] (Part 12)

a/n: not a request, but i feel like u needed more; i needed more after a day of mid-terms

| Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 |

Mornings seem to envy Barry. He feels your arms shift around his torso and does his best to stifle his whines, forcing his eyes to stay closed for just a little longer. He doesn't want to get up and take his pill. He hates pills! And it's so warm in your arms… Maybe if he holds your limbs to his just a bit tighter…

“Barr, we gotta get up, sweetheart.” you mumble behind his ear, reaching your arm up to stroke the growing hair on his pale cheek. His lips pucker into a pout at he nuzzles his face into the light blue pillow case. A sigh drops from your mouth; it's always tough getting him out of bed. “It's Eddie’s birthday today… Do you wanna shave?” you ask in a gentle tone.

He shakes his head on the pillow, fluffing his milk chocolate locks in the process. Another sigh flutters past your lips while you heave him up in a sitting position, much to his disappointment. His shoulders slump but he manages to get his legs untangled from the sheets. He knows that if he doesn't get up, you will pull him out of the bed, like you did a few days ago.

Smiling proudly, you grab his lanky hand, leading his long hairy legs to the bathroom. He sleeps in his dark gray boxer briefs and a ratty old CCPD shirt. Your penguin pajama bottoms sway against your skin and your bare feet come into contact with the warm baby blue bathroom tiles.

When you turn the sink handle, you peer up at your boyfriend, who stares at you with tired eyes. Giggling faintly, you wet a washcloth, reaching up to wipe his face. “Someone’s sleepy.” you grin, seeing him blink at the cool dampness. The wet washcloth thumps on the counter. Your pale yellow spaghetti strap tank top brushes in front of him when you reach for the two toothbrushes, handing him his.

After the daily routine, you drag him back to the bedroom, standing in front of the small closet. Barry sighs, bringing a shaky hand up to scratch his jawline. He pulls on a pair of jeans, follows by an oversized red speckled sweater, plopping on the bed while you shimmy on a pair of black skinny jeans and a striped blue long sleeve shirt. “D-do we go-gotta -”

“We’re going, Barry.” you say curtly, gesturing to head downstairs. His polkadot socks pad down the stairs very slowly, followed by your neon purple socks. When he heads to the living room, you grab his bicep, yanking him to the kitchen. “Pill time.” you mumble, opening the cabinet to get the bottle.

The brunette whines in protest, eyeing the water filling up the glass. But, when you fork over the pill, he takes it ‘like a man’. It still tastes awful. His face scrunches after he drinks the water, giving you the the glass back; he almost drops it. You save it just in time. “S-sorry…” he frowns, corners of lips dropping to his brown scruff.

You shrug it off, setting the glass on the counter before walking to the door. Slowly, he slips his shaky feet into his black and white converse. You know he's trying to be late; you know your Barry. When you get on your black Vans, you notice he still doesn't have his shoes tied. “Here, sweetheart.” You bend over, quickly knotting the laces.

A blush morphs on his cheeks and he pecks your lips when you stand up. “I-I lo-love you.” he hums, grinning when he feels your hand on the side of his face. He loves your touch. It comforts him.

“I love you too, my pretty boy.” you beam, adoring the way his face flushes. “Now, come along, handsome.” You grab Eddie’s birthday present and keys off the side table before going out the door. Barry's twitching hand takes the bright yellow sparkly bag, letting you unlock the car. He opens the driver's door for you, allowing you to slide into the leather seat before climbing into the passenger seat.

Through the drive, his left hand clasps your right, thumb doodling on Y/C/S. He pays attention to your quiet singing and feels his chest loosen, letting him breathe. Yet, when he sees the lineup of cars at Eddie and Iris’ house, he has to grip your hand tighter, making sure you're still here. Parking, you lean over, kissing him deeply, “You’re gonna have fun, trust me, pretty boy.” you promise, popping open the door.

A huff dangles from his lips and after staring at the gift for a minute, he exits the car, following you up the stairs. Your knuckles rap on the oak door and you smile from ear to ear as soon as it swings open. “Happy birthday, Eddie!” you yell, hugging the young detective, scrunching his dark green Henley.

Eddie puts on a goofy smile, rubbing your back shortly before pulling away. “Ah, thanks Y/N!” he says bashfully, peering over your shoulder, “Barr! So glad you made it, buddy! Everyone's here!” he exclaims, tugging your boyfriend inside the cosy home.  

You trail behind the duo, eyes widening a fraction when you realize the size of the party. Practically the entire CCPD is here! Oh no, your Barry… You can see him shake like a leaf as Eddie talks with the other police officers, arm around his shoulders. “Y/N! You guys made it!” Iris shouts, one hand on your forearm and the other on your upper back, lips cracked in a perfect smile.

You chuckle awkwardly, fixing your hair, keeping an eye on your tall brunette. “Yeah, I’m really excited to be here! And not just for the cake!” you joke, toying with the end of your sweater while she leads you to the back, “Oh! Hello! I’m Y/N!” you grin, introducing yourself to a group of people.

*TIME SKIP*

Okay, you got too into the conversation and now you can't find Barry. “I, um, need to use the bathroom?” you ask more than state, excusing yourself. As you brush by a few people, you notice Eddie laughing at the dinner table, finishing off his last piece of cake- by the way, the cake was delicious. But, no Barry with him.

“- shaved? Soon you're gonna lose your boyish charm, Allen. Maybe even your girl… Still got that twitch, I see.” You hear a few gruff laughs and your blood starts to ignite. Oh, nobody says something like that to your boy!

Stomping into the living room, your ice colored shirt sways against your stomach and your heart drops when you see Barry. He's slumped on the couch with his head ducked down, hands curled into tight fists at his sides. “Oh handsome!” you call out, causing his head to snap up, “I wanna go home and cuddle.” you pout, making the ‘come here’ motion with your index finger.

A couple of the guys’ mouths drop to the floor. “O-okay!” he shouts, hopping from the couch and racing toward you, stumbling a lot. But, cuddles! Oh boy, he loves, loves, loves cuddling with you! “I-I ge-get c-c-cuddles?” he asks, mocking a puppy as he bends over, arm outstretched due to your fast pace.

You nod, waving goodbye to Eddie. “Uh-huh, you get all the cuddles!” you say in a cheerful tone, masking your anger while you hop down the porch steps. Dropping his hand, you pull the keys out of your pocket, unlocking the car.

“Y-Yes…” he hums under his breath.

[ohh-kaye]

my grad year in notes

13/01/2020 21:59

day one orientation complete.

i don’t know how i’ll do this. maybe i’ll update when i can but let’s see if i can finish this year and i’m still doing this. HELLO FUTURE ME! I HOPE YOU WEREN’T FIRED!

1. a lot of sitting was done today

2. i walked in on someone taking a shit

3. i didn’t wear my uniform so me and this other guy stood out

4. i’m the only one going to ed

5. i met quite a lot of people today, all of whom are just as scared as i am

6. there’s more sitting tomorrow

16/01/2020 21:54

lookie lookie i forgot to write anything for the last 2 days

i won’t recap the days i’ve missed bc cbf

1. supernumerary shift began today

2. worked with ash and abbie. nice nurses to start working with bc i’m lost.

3. none of my patients were horrible

4. didn’t get to handover. didn’t get to do a full work-up on my own. didn’t get to do any meds. didn’t get to sign onto oacis. didn’t get to do my corporate orientation. must do these before next week

5. still too shy to talk to anyone. will get there

6. saw another classmate from uni whose finishing her grad year

7. nervous for tomorrow’s next supernumerary shift because it’ll be the last before i’m on my own

8. uniform arrived today. no one picked up

21/01/2020 23:16

i keep forgetting to do these. it’s already going downhill.

1. second day on the floor but first day being semi-independent

2. have yet to give handover

3. worked with erika. she’s just finished her grad

4. chill shift so not too stressed out

5. feeling a little less scared now

6. uni students just started and i’m relieved because i’m not the only one whose confused

7. i hope i gave all my meds

22/01/2020 21:33

STUDY DAY ONE COMPLETE!

1. this day happened at the perfect time. it’s smack dab in the middle of my week where i have to work 5 days straight

2. it’s nice to see everyone and catch up with them and see how they’re all doing

3. everyone seems so be in a state of struggle and particularly this one dude who i feel bad for. i hope he’ll recover

4. saw one person from my year and she’s working there (and not as a grad) so i cannot avoid her now

5. considering that everyone is as lost and confused and adjusting as i am, it makes me feel better that we’re all in the same boat

6. lida and me won 2nd place in the treasure hunt

7. sad that the next study date isn’t until march

8. relieved that we do have debrief sessions

9. we received our TPPP book. must read soon and figure out objectives for jess and i to discuss

10. i have a strange feeling that i will breakdown at some point during this year

27/01/2020 22:59

hello i’m tired.

1. first time in area b

2. confused as fuck

3. worked with jess and kam. 10 out of 10 would work with again

4. didn’t get to meet 2 patients that i “had”

5. didn’t handover majority of them to other staff because i had no idea they left

6. 2 demanding patients took up a lot of time

7. 1 of the 2 mentioned ran away. don’t know where the fuck she went

8. pissed off because of her for the last hour or 2

9. getting more comfortable with handing over

10. getting more comfortable with talking to doctors and other nurses

11. breakdown gauge is filling up slowly

04/02/2020 21:09

i swear i keep forgetting to do these. i know i have to do them but i get home and it’s the last thing on my mind.

anywayssss

1. area d morning again. not bad.

2. worked with jess. she’s an actual legend.

3. maybe working in paeds tomorrow???

4. didn’t form good nursing rapport. i sort of just went into rooms, did obs, ask if they needed anything. nothing special

5. everyone’s still really nice. except this one filo nursing who looks at me weird because i smile at her when i see her and she doesn’t so i don’t know if i should even bother bc she does seem like a bitch

6. patient transfers are better if i know my patient

06/02/2020 22:44

last day of being 5 days on.

i’m tired.

1. area a for the first time

2. worked with jess. again. absolute legend.

3. did an oopsie with paracetamol. must remember to give the drug immediately and not wait. also maybe should have double checked that patient had not had a dose yet

4. i forgot to give a discharge letter. AGAIN. will make sure i ask next time

5. lovely patients today

6. nights on my next roster

7. feeling better with working with everyone

16/02/2020 21:54

i have nights tomorrow. holy fuck. i’m actually already tired.

1. have not done objectives yet

2. met the other grad. she seems like she’s got her life together

3. worked with jess but i was in area b so i barely saw her

4. busy as heck but wasn’t too overwhelming this time around

5. alex the doctor is pretty

6. getting better at escalating care and talking with the docs

7. everyone is still nice

8. i saw sue again! sue is the very first nurse i worked with ever! (in 1D) we love sue. sue’s a legend

18/02/2020 15:30

oh lord

1. first night shift DONE!

2. tired

3. this is different than AIN stuff

4. i’m a lot less anxious. but also a lot less relieved

5. tired

6. don’t know how i will survive ronight

7. worked with another jess. she’s 23. she’s only a year older than me and heck she’s got her nursing game together

8. nilda remembered me from placement!

9. handover i did was a mess

23/02/2020 22:30

hi i’m tired

hello tired i’m kaye

1. area b is dumb area b is the bane of my existence

2. i realise now that i hate working on my own because i’m actually retarded

3. my patient was fucking hypothermic, diaphoretic and nauseous. he came in with a chest pain. i took some bloods for a repeat trop but i didn’t flush it because i was putting fluids up (which in hindsight i still should’ve flushed) but i didn’t forget to do it! i was going to do it! but ecg is more important so i was trying to do an ecg but the patient was so sweaty that the leads wouldn’t stay on and he was freezing but also sweating and he was getting chills anytime you took the blanket off of him and i gave him 3 warm blankets already and temp was still low. so amy and i hunted down some friar’s something to dry out the skin but the bottle wouldn’t open. i then had to shave him because he was hairy and then i couldn’t work the clippers so the wife had to step in (and i already had a weird look from them because i assumed she was the daughter when she was the wife ffs) and he was legit judging me and he was almost crying and she had to shave him because i didn’t know what i was doing (thank fuck she was a hairdresser). managed to do an ecg but then the doctor came in and said that i should’ve flushed the cannula and i was like shit and i understand why he was a bit irritated. i would be too. i should’ve flushed it i know. then i got the ecg but he was like secure the cannula first, but i was like but ecg is the priority but he was insistent in securing the cannula and my patient is fucking freezing and amy and i secured it and doctor came in wanting a postural bp and patient’s annoyed that i have to stand him up. he’s still having the chills mind you. got that sorted out in the end. but holy shit. he got better. he apologised to me after and family were thanking me but i felt like shit the whole time because i was an actual fuck up there. i was so lost

4. the other patient who had a blood clot in his leg was really jolly though so that helped lighten the mood. i hope he’s going to be okay

5. i really thought i was going to kill someone today. not in an angry way but in a medical way because i feel like i was being negligent

6. bad day. bad day

7. oh and i misread my roster so i woke up a 0530, about to leave at 0630 only to then find out that i don’t have a shift in the early because my phone didn’t alarm. that was fun

8. there was a new pretty doctor there though. his name is mikee. :) he cute. he’s also filo.

07/03/2020 23:28

everything hurts

a box fell on my face

my nose was bleeding

my face was hurting

and i was crying

1. my first thought was “oh fuck is my nose broken. i can’t go to work if my nose is broken”

2. my nose wasn’t broken

3. it’s banged up and it’s still hurting and i think the inside of my nose is swollen because i can’t breathe as well

4. i probably should’ve gone to ED where i work now but cbf

5. i went to work. i worked with cath.

6. she’s nice

7. jess t told me to keep checking my charts even though she works with me

8. i think it was a warning because she maybe she forgets things???

9. i’m tired though

10. dylan’s pretty but he’s dating someone and i think my heart broke a little bit. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH wtf

i hope i didn’t have a concussion.

10/03/2020 22:28

STUDY DAY TWO COMPLETED!

1. was at modbury gp plus

2. i miss lyell mac

3. everyone’s sort of doing okay?

4. someone cried because her patients kept dying

5. she’s in palliative care. what did she expect?

6. someone moved to a different ward completely???

7. i’m hearing that people are getting overwhelmed

8. and i’m here loving ed and i don’t want to leave

9. i don’t want to go to 2b

10. craig cooper asked the second language people to say one word in their language and all of my tagalog words magically went away and all i could think was “kalabasa” ad i said that and it means pumpkin

11. fucking PUMPKIN???!!! wtf

12. one girl talked for half an hour which delayed the whole class

13. pls stop

14. paula seems nice

15. i still hate people

15/03/2020 23:36

bad day today

1. covid sucks i’m over it

2. worked in area b

3. started off okay

4. then mia went on break.

5. let me preface this that this is not her fault but my overthinking of everything

6. so i was cleaning up a patient’s room and danielle came in and said “Can you work up the patient in front of cubicle 16 because he’s a priority 2 and has chest pain”  so i finished up my stuff quickly and then proceeded to go to cubicle 16 where danielle was already wheeling the patient inside and helping him to the barouche. the family member was there and was not helpful at all. AT ALL. so once he was in bed, danielle went and she called the priority 2. cool. i was left with the patient. i was about to do a workup when the consultant came to respond to the priority 2. she said “you need to do obs first before the work up because i can’t assess him if i don’t know his obs” and i thought “fair enough”. i stopped doing the workup. but then he told me that he needed to go to the toilet. i didn’t think it would’ve been good to take him there because his legs were swollen and it would take forever. so i offered a bottle. i’m not sure if he understood a lot of what i was saying because he did have a language barrier but the family member was not translating anything at all. she legit sat there and watched me struggle. as i was talking to him about the bottle, he started peeing in front of me. urine was leaking through his pants and his gown. i quickly ran out to get a bottle and when i got back, i was wanting to remove his pants to get him to use the bottle but he wouldn’t understand what i was saying. i kept pulling his pants down and saying “can you lift your bottom?” as i was looking at the family member to translate but she was sitting there like a fucking idiot watching her family member piss himself. he wasn’t cooperating and because he looked so unwell, i abandoned ship and proceeded to do the obs. he was in 3 red zones and 2 in yellow zones. i was freaking out at this point. i knew this was CRT criteria but i wanted to tell the consultant first because i assumed that she had taken him on already. i quickly ran to the consultant and told her the obs and that he met CRT criteria. she flat out said “well i don’t care. just give him some panadol and some fluids” and she started writing them up. i was livid at this point because i had never been dismissed like that and i was really concerned and i thought that by seeing how severe his vital signs were, she would encourage me to escalate it further but she didn’t. she didn’t care apparently. as i was walking back to the patient’s room, i saw mia. she was back from break. i called her and said “ i have a new patient for you in cubicle 16″. she seemed fine before this by the way. she asked “did you do a work-up?” and i flipped the folder open and i said “no because i wanted to do obs first” and then she just looked really annoyed and sighing at this point.  i showed her the obs and that he was really unwell and i said what the consultant said that she just wanted panadol and fluids. she said “well, it is what it is”. by this time, she was really annoyed and said “i’ll do it”. i gave her the paperwork and she went into the cubicle shaking her head and looking really annoyed. i was so confused at this point. this threw me off for the rest of the shift. i didn’t know if what i did was right or wrong. i didn’t finish the workup because his obs were more important than me filling out paperwork. and i didn’t get to do panadol and fluids because i literally just received this from the consultant. i don’t know if she was annoyed with me because i didn’t finish anything or if it was because i gave her a sick patient. my mindset was like “well, if she’s back and she’ll be taking over, then what’s the point in me having to finish the workup if i have to tell you again. just do the workup yourself because he is your patient and it would make more sense if you had the full story yourself”. i don’t know. then i hear from the doctor talking to the other doctor that i was freaking out just because his obs were “a bit funny”. i just felt awful

7. everything felt quite tense after. like i didn’t know if i should bother helping because i just kept thinking “what’s the point? she already thinks i’m a bad nurse so i don’t see the point in trying to be helpful”

8. i don’t know if i’m just hormonal and i’m overthinking everything again

9. mia did take my care and control but i felt so embarrassed because she’s helping me but i couldn’t do her the same courtesy by finishing the workup and the overall care i was supposed to give to her cubicle 16 patient.

10. then i had to handover my patients to veronica’s mom and i feel like none of the filos like me. i can just feel it. she seems cold and filo-like. i don’t like their vibe.

i’m just upset and hormonal and i don’t know if i should talk to jess or jane about this because i feel awful and i feel like a bad nurse.

04/04/2020 2334

I'm on my tablet but since this is a momentos occasion, I thought I neede to make an update. Let's keep this short.

1. Covid still sucks. I'm over it

2. Worked for the first time in paeds with alana

3. I don't know how I feel

4. I still am too uncomfy with kids

5. I hate it

6. I dont think imlearned anthying tjough

7. Thats whats sad because i really wanted to learm but i dont know if i was just in a bad time with alana

8. Iy wouldve been helpgul ig i werebwith jess or jae bevause they ouldbe brennmore supportive

9. Not that alana wasnt supportive, it's more that maybe she didn't know what to do and I also didn't know what to do???

10. I specialled someone around the end which is good because I got out of paeds

11. I think I'm doing well though, considering I didn't get much out of it

12. Like my workups weren't as bad but my paediatric assessment is complete shit though. I need to be better at it.

13. Dylan was there he still cute

07/04/2020 15:48

aaaaaaaaaaa

1. woke up at 0530

2. went to work at 0640

3. i arrive at handover and they tell me that i’m not on

4. i look stupid and the filos are laughing at me like “wow this bitch is actually retarded”

5. i talk to the dnc and someone had apparently changed my shift

6. dnc asks “did you swap shifts with anyone?” and i’m like “no”

7. dude i was not gonna go home i’m up wtf

8. dnc said that i could stay if they wanted me to stay

9. i stayed

10. they put me in paeds with laura

11. no one was there

12. so we moved into the main departmentt

13. apparently, there was sophie was the only one in a1 so i went there to help

14. they let me stay

15. i found deb and chatted with her about this and she said she’d look into it but i don’t know if she did because corona is basically running ed at this point

16. i’m gonna have to keep track of my next payslip to make sure that they paid me for this day

17. anyways

18. my patient had 2 seizures

19. i think she drooled on my upper arm when i was holding her down for the doctor to put a cannula in

20. other than that... shift was fine

21. i’m glad that i got to be in area without my preceptor because i like knowing that i can survive in there without my safety net even though i love my safety net to be close by

25/04/2020 0820

haven’t been back in a while so i thought i’d update. oh and happy birthday to my brother!

1. 3rd night in a row

2. i’m tired but not sleepy

3. i was in eecu

4. alone

5. it wasn’t too bad though

6. all my patients were very good

7. 7 patients of my own but obviously i had help

8. yas, stephen and cath are fab

9. someone was really needy though. toilet breaks are exhausting

10. i need my objectives done soon

11. happy birthday bro

01/05/2020 0003

i had a late yesterday. i know i decided that if i passed the next day without writing anything, i wouldn’t “recount” but because i haven’t actually slept through this then i guess i’ll write about yesterday

1. i had a bad day

2. i feel like i’ve failed everyone

3. and my acne is getting bad and my hair was a mess.

4. i started my shift with my patient having a bgl of 52. he was eventually moved into resus to get an art line in but i was going to do his obs and a bgl but all the doctors were there and they were wanting to do so many things at the same time and i got so overwhelmed and i didn’t know what to do first. his obs? the fluids that were literally just written up? his meds? his insulin infusion? the art line that they wanted set up? emptying his nasogastric tube? his IDC? moving him into area a or to resus? he got moved to resus as i said. i thought all was fine but in the back of my head i can hear myself saying “you didn’t do this. you didn’t do that. you’re an incompetent piece of shit” over and over again. one of the resus nurses came over and asked me if there was a reason why i didn’t do a sugar on him. she looked like she was in a rush so i just said “no”. then she walked off and said “she’ll do it”. i must’ve been disgusting to her after that. i didn’t want to give her an excuse or explain myself because at the end of the day, i didn’t do it and it’s my fault and i get it. but holy fuck my brain didn’t stop telling me that i was doing a shitty job.

5. one of my patients dropped her blood pressure to 60/40. i was so fucking scared man. you don’t even know. thankfully dr su was there to manage her quickly. yas was also such a gem. we managed to get her back up but i thought she was going to die.

6. everyone else was otherwise fine but that just set the tone for my whole shift and i just wanted to crawl into a hole and cry.

7. i’m glad i’m off tomorrow.

8. i’m just a mess right now so i’m going to stay as one for a while.

... and we’ll pick ourselves up from this and do it all again when we get back to work.

22/05/2020 21:49

I should really stop making a habit of writing on here when I’ve had a bad shift

1. First time I was intentionally put in Area A.

2. I was with Maria.

3. I’m sad.

4. I’m really sad.

5. I’m also on my period so maybe it’s just hormones.

6. Anyways... I just feel like a mess. It’s like I just shut down and I didn’t know what I was doing the entire time. I just had this sudden insecurity that everyone’s looking at me weird because I looked like I was lost.

7. And I guess I was.

8. I think it’s just that I didn’t have my preceptors around and I sort of look to them for comfort. It’s like knowing that they’re there, I feel better. I think I miss being new because I was rightfully lost. Now, there’s no excuse for me not to know what I’m doing.

9. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t have anyone yell at me or judge me for doing anything wrong. I had a relatively okay shift but it’s this underlying feeling of inferiority and feeling like I didn’t belong here.

10. It was just incredibly hectic and I feel overwhelmed.

11. That’s the word. I feel “overwhelmed”.

12. I look to the other grads and I see them like they’re ahead of me and I know that there’s no competition here but dear god are they fucking good.

13. And I feel stupid

14. I am stupid.

15. I had 3 patients that I worked up and when it came to handover I forgot everything and Maria had to do all the talking. I was just a mess.

16. I handed over a patient to AMU (to another grad) and this patient had a “pressure sore”. I was fucking freaking out because why dear lord does this person have a pressure sore when he’s independent. The grad was like “I’ll put the SLS in later”. I was mentally freaking out at this point because why didn’t I know this?! Why don’t I know this?! I’m his fucking nurse for crying out loud. It turns out, he fell on a candle and it wasn’t a pressure sore but holy shit I’m sure that the grad and the nurses in AMU were judging me for not being a good nurse.

17. And they’re right. I’m not a good nurse.

18. I’m a bad one.

19. I received my last roster and I swear I could’ve burst into tears at some point because I probably won’t get hired in ED.

20. It’s such a shame that I have a night on my last shift.

21.It feels uneventful.

22. I know that it’s what I would’ve wanted, an uneventful departure, but I don’t know... I would’ve personally enjoyed the fact that I’d be walking out of ED in the daytime with my head held high and not a tired mess, hobbling to the car and eager to sleep when I get home.

It’s only now hitting me that this is the last month that I’ll be here. I’ll be sure to document significant points. Not to soon, I’ll be back on here probably complaining about how fucking retarded I am for leaving my objectives to the last minute and not having the initiative to work with Jane on the shifts leading up to my PRND. I am actually pretty worried about this. And my upcoming GAMSAT next week is not helping.

25/05/2020 2305

exhausted and sad

1. i was in paeds today

2. i’m sort of glad that i was because the main department was just gross with how many people came in

3. 78 patients is what we all ended with

4. i worked with alli. she’s a gem

5. i was intimidated but holy hell did we plough through

6. i felt like i just did an absolutely terrible job today to be perfectly honest.

7. while alli was on break, we literally had 1 pending transfer to the kids ward, 1 waiting for ambulance, 2 ambulances that needed to handover, 3 kids in the waiting room, 1 kid that needed her urine dipsticked and drug screened, 1 kid that needed crutches, 1 room that needed a barouche that we were waiting on and 1 kid who needed fluids up because he was fasting.

8. bethany, the student, was fucking brilliant. i must remember to tell phuong

9. i’m just done after 4 shifts in a row.

10. i’m over it

11. today was also the last day i saw jess

12. i have 5 days off and she goes on annual leave in 4 days

13. i’m actually getting emotional right now hahaha

14. she saw me off as she was leaving. i’m crying. holy fuck.

15. she’s just been a safe haven when i work with her and i couldn’t thank her enough for being such an amazing preceptor and teaching me all i could about working in emergency. she’s one of the good ones. the fact that she takes time out of our shift to sit down with me and talk me through things i don’t know. allowing me to be independent. making me feel like i belong. catching up with me when i needed it. i didn’t really utilise that as much as i should have but the security that i had her as my preceptor was enough. i will actually miss working with her during this last month. i got her something from lush and she gave me a hug and said that i did really well and that she’d be a referee and that she’d be glad to see me come back to ED. that was the most reassuring compliment ever. i’m so sad right now. i was so lucky with getting jess because holy shit did she take care of me. i did well in making sure that i brought her that gift because it turns out i won’t be seeing her for a while. ugh. my heart hurts. i wish her the absolute best and i don’t really wish that on anyone. thank you jess. truly.

in summary, i am an emotional mess because i’m finishing soon and i’m starting to miss everything about ED but also wtf why is it so fucking busy?

06/06/2020 2004

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

1. everytime katrina is on, she makes me do relieving at another ward

2. excuse me

3. i could’ve declined because she gave me the option to but she asked me AT handover in front of everyone so what the heck was i going to do? say no?????

4. anyway

5. i went to 2a

6. i had a patient load for the first time

7. i was going to work with karen, another grad

8. good thing i let her know because i certainly wasn’t comfortable working with a grad and she wasn’t as well

9. i worked with darren today which is fine because he was a gem. i was lost without his help today and i’m just so glad that i was with him

10. i haven’t worked in a ward in 2 years so i was so lost because i had to do meds and washes. i didn’t even get to finish those until 11.

11. it was so clear that i was lagging behind. i was so fucking nervous that i was being looked at weird because i was slow

12. i had no clue what i was doing

13. the patient asked me what meds are for what and i didn’t know

14. its fine. i survived and it gave me a brief taste of what it would be in the ward when i do go to 2b

15. it’ll be fine

16. fine.

17. f.i.n.e.

18. fine

19. i did miss ED a lot today

i think study day is when i’ll be coming back on here. it’ll be the last one for this rotation. help me i’m scared.

10/06/2020 0011

i’m a few hours late but i haven’t slept on this shift yet so i’ll recap

1. worked in A2 with erika!!!

2. i haven’t worked with her for a while so i’m glad i have

3. the song “what a journey it has been” keeps playing in my head

4. cate, the student, gave me some jelly beans :) she’s an actual gem

5. i remember working with her on her first day at paeds with jess and now it’s the last time i see her

6. i was actually so touched when she caught up with me and gave me those because it harks back to our first conversation of me going to costco and getting jelly beans

7. i really hope she does well in life because she’s a precious gem

8. i hope she gets a grad in paeds or she becomes a paramedic

9. anywayssss

10. a2 was crazy busy 

11. almost everyone of our patients were sickies

12. we had falls, copd exacerbation, chest painssss, palpitations, fractures, ulcers, people with dementia, someone who was 210 kgs, dementia patient who was having an intracranial haemorrhage

13. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

14. having to do hourly obs on everyone was impossible

15. this shift was crazy

16. i’m glad i have study day tomorrow

17. deb wasn’t around to sign my stuff

18. oops

19. thinking if i should get jane and erika something to say goodbye and thanks???

i woke up at 10am yesterday so i’m not tired. but fuck i have to wake up at 6. oof

15/06/2020 2027

i have no time to write this but i have 5 shifts left so lets speed run this

1. i’m really sad right now

2. i worked with audrey in eecu

3. she’s so fucking smart it’s amazing

4. she’s the epitome of a good nurse

5. i’m glad to be in eecu. i want to chill for the last few shifts

6. there was this adorable lady who presented with odd speech. she was talking fine and then by 0100, she woke up and holy shit i thought she was having a stroke. and she was bound to go home because all her tests were normal. she still had that speech problem at the end but she was going to go home and have an opd mri. she’s so lovely that my heart was bursting. i hope she stays safe. she’s one of my favourite patients.

8. angela called me to say that jane like pandora and holy fuck that’s expensive and i can’t get her jewellery bc that seems inappropriate. i’ll just get her and erika lush.

it was an okay and chill shift. i hope nothing crazy happens this week. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i’m going to be late

17/06/2020 0022

i haven’t slept on the shift so i’m allowed this

1. 3 shifts to go

2. worked in area b

3. the shift started off terribly

4. i had gravitated to 21-25 because there’s hardly any mental health that goes there but amy had allocated everyone to their beds without consulting us

5. bec had already agreed to take 13-16 and i was taking 21-25 but she had rearranged everyone so that amy had 13-16, i had 18-20, and bec had 21-25

6. it was a mess

7. i fucking hate the section i was at

8. only because 18 is usually where aggressive mental health patients go to and i can’t deal with them bc cbf

9. the nurse i had relieved looked like she was about to give up in life

10. my lady in 18 was a relapse of her schizo-affective disorder bc of non-compliance of meds. fuck me.

11. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

12. i can’t

13. she started off as sedated which i was happy with but she was up from 1 in the morning and was escalating for the whole shift.

14. she was crying. no one actually de-escalate her. we coded her. she was fashioning a noose with the monitoring. the guards weren’t fucking doing anything. 

15. and i have no empathy.

16. they were telling me to reassure and talk to her and calm her down but i don’t know how to fucking do that shit.

17. i just want people to shut the fuck up and go to sleep until you’re seen.

18. just

19. *sigh*

20.  she was given 3 sedatives that didn’t touch at all.

21. and i couldn’t medicate her further because we couldn’t risk her being drowsy during her assessment during the daytime

22. i love my job

23. i’m just so glad for cora.

24. she was floating in b and she helped me out so much.

25. she took 2 of my handovers. she basically took care of my bowel perf patient

26. she’s an absolute legend.

27. met a tmc person who had appendicitis?

i was just mentally exhausted for the whole shift. i feel like they’re going to sls me for being neglectful. i was really trying hard to not show it but maybe i was being too obvious. i’m about to get my period so i’m hormonal. please understand why i feel off.

19/06/2020 2347

i fucked up

1. i have 3 more shifts to go. 2 days off then 1 late and then 2 nights

2. worked in d with erica

3. was an okay shift

4. my one patient who had “seizures” was a weird one

5. i fucked up with this one

6. i knew in the back of my head that i should’ve done an ecg because it’s a “seizure” and then i would’ve put him into a gown if i had done that.

7. they didn’t ask for one but ruz transferred him to eecu while i was at ct with another patient so i didn’t get to start those fluids or change him into a gown.

8. the worst thing i’ve done is not check for a property list and this dude had so much endone and oxycontin with him. THOSE ARE FUCKING DDA’S AND I DIDN’T LOCK THEM UP. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

9. i literally was open-mouthed as jalaja showed it to me because i knew that i had just done an oopsie

10. she was so upset

11. i’m actually fucking scared

12. she’s going to sls me for sure

13. she liked me so much before and now she doesn’t

14. she literally said “this. i cannot accept”

15. i felt like shit

16. i still feel like shit

17. i can’t right now.

18. oh and one the people from church was a patient and i recognise them and i said hello

what a great shift. i fucking hate myself. note to self: DO THE RIGHT FUCKING THING EVEN THOUGH IT’S UNNECESSARY.

24/06/2020 0754

ouch my heart

1. one more to go

2. it’s my last shift tonight

3. let’s maybe talk about that tomorrow when it’s finally over. mmkay

4. worked in b

5. had a really good shift

6. turnover was moderate

7. no one really stood out patient-wise

8. but i guess that’s what i want???

9. i just to cruise through the end because it’ll be a good send-off

10. joko was tl. judy and tash were with me. lovely crew tonight

11. we did start off with a relieving nurse. she was from the ward and it was her first time in area b with a patient load

12. she looked so scared

13. i probably looked like her when i started

14. it’s amazing to see the contrast of someone who’s worked through her rotation and feeling quite confident and comparing that to someone who’s new and doesn’t know what to do

15. i was that person

16. she apologised to me when after she moved to eecu because it was too overwhelming for her and i said “no don’t apologise. ed is intimidating and it was unfair of them to put you in a paz area where it gets crazy busy. it’s better to keep yourself safe so we keep other safe” i hope she’s okay and i hope this shift didn’t scare her

17. OH! jane caught up with me at the tail-end of her late and the beginning of my night. she caught up with me, pulled me aside and pulled me into a big hug and thanking me for the gift i gave her from lush

18. i was so touched by that hahahaha i didn’t think i would be. bella fruta probably smelled really nice then hahahahaha

19. LUSH IS THE WAY TO GO MY BOIIISSS

20. amy hopefully pre-allocates me to eecu??? i want a chill shift goddammit

that’s it for now.

i’ll see you tomorrow?

25/06/2020 2000

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i am no longer an ed nurse my heart hurts

1. i was placed in TRIAGEEEEE 

2. this was weird because this was my last shift and it was my first time in triage so i was learning something completely new. on my last day

3. i was with wati and margaret. they’re so cute and so good

4. it was a mess at the beginning. mostly because i didn’t know what i was doing and it was a bit busy

5. i did manage to catch up and i cruised through the shift in one piece

6. it was a relatively okay shift. it was the busiest for the first 4 hours and then after that, we had like... 6 people max in the waiting room

7. quite a huge turnover

8. since i was t2 and i wasn’t triage-trained, i only had to do obs on everyone who came in

9. the stares that people would give me every time i walked past. oof

10. i don’t think anyone particularly stood out for me to tell a full story but the presentations were a variety of reasons, chest pain, abdo pain, psychosocial issues, lumps, cysts and bleeds, infections. there was one guy who was homeless.

11. triage is hard work. i don’t think i’d want to be a triage nurse but i appreciate what they do

12. working as t2 did really well form my anal-retentiveness. i got to organise everyone by time order. arrange everyone’s paperwork, i’d go out to do obs for 3 patients at a time. it was great for need of organisation

13. yup. good last shift i’d say

14. even though i got a bit side-tracked with amy promising i’d be pre-allocated to eecu and then be placed in triage, i think it was a blessing in disguise. i’ve now worked everywhere in ED (except for resus but that’s because grads are banned from working there) and if ever i come back, i’d be able to say that i’ve had experience

15. dylan was there. and mikee. cutiessss

i don’t feel as sad as i thought i would be tbh. don’t get me wrong. it’s bittersweet but in my deepest of my core being, i don’t think this’ll be my last shift in ed. i’m determined to come back. i took photos of my last duress alarm, my locker and key, the times i arrived for my last shift, the last hour of my shift and the outside of ED just so i have something to hold onto. this is the problem of someone who’s sentimental. hahaha. in all seriousness though, i am so eternally grateful that I got to be a grad here because it was hard at times and challenging but i learned so much. i became so much of a better nurse. better than what i expected i would be considering how long it was since i was working in the hospital-setting. ever since my placement there, i knew i wanted to be an ED nurse and I got to do exactly that and i’m so happy. I’m sad to go but if they want me to finish my grad so I can come back, I will power through 2B just so I can return. i will do it.

i’ll see you soon ED. i miss you already.

13/07/2020 22:16

day one in 2B

1. what the fuck have i gotten myself into?

2. my first day was a supernumerary shift

3. didn’t get an orientation

4. not that i needed it considering that i’ve worked there before but no one needs to know that

5. i worked with deb which was okay i guess

6. she’s my preceptor

7. i miss jess already

8. deb is very... clear with what she wants

9. i think i’ll be okay with her being my preceptor because she likes to explain things and i feel like that’s her personality

10. she got so much done even with me tagging along with her

11. i’m actually scared that i’ll fuck up on wednesday because i’ll be on my own

12. vanessa was there. she doesn’t remember me

13. bai was there. she doesn’t remember me i don’t think but i remember her. oh i remember her very well

14. andrew was there, i remember him even though i never worked with him. i always thought he was a fun guy to work with but he does seem mildly annoying. he is an EN though so i get that he can’t really do much with meds but jesus was he nagging

15. i don’t know how to feel about the ward. it’s so different from ED and the whole time i was there, i just missed ED so much

16. i saw shaun and i heard a code stemi in ED and i just wanted to be back down there

17. at least dr cutie was there and we know each other and i’m so happy i know someone

18. i honestly don’t know how this rotation is going to pan out because i’m so... overwhelmed.

19. they tell me to ask for help when i need it but judging from today and how hectic it was, i don’t think i’ll have much luck in doing so

20. i’m just really scared

i’m really scared

28/07/2020 2218

aaaaa i’ve been gone for how long???

1. worked in 3-6

2. i had an okay shift

3. my one lady kept going to the toilet which was such a nuisance

4. i know i sound horrible but holy shit how are you going to the toilet that many times

5. she’s also very dependent so i have to go in with her each time and walk her back

6. i just felt really bad because she was also so apologetic about talking up so much of my time

7. i shouldn’t be complaining

8. she was really lovely anyway

9. all my other patients were really good

10. i feel like i’m getting into the swing of things around in 2b and i hope i get better at them

11. besides the doctors, no one’s been to much of a bitch

12. i still miss ed though

13. chantelle handed someone over and she remembered who i was which was so nice because i don’t think i ever worked with her

i miss ed :(

29/07/2020 21:07

STUDY DAY 4 DONEEEE

1. i think if forgot to write the day 3 one.

2. we just did coronial cases during that one

3. today was a little better than the previous ones

4. we went to theatre

5. we went to the morgue

6. i saw a dead person

7. we made posters

8. aps was there and stoma nurse was there which was really good because surg requires me to know these things

9. vaughn’s actually pretty cute. he’s 30 btw. okay. and he’s smart and i just stalked his linked in and he did honours on a course and he quit paramedics which means the fact that he got into paramedics means that he’s smart

10. everyone seems to be settling into their wards which is good for them

11. i think i’m just not embracing the new ward

12. i should probably be more open-minded. i can always apply for ed or i can go into casual

it

will

be

fine

i’m just really eager for the last study day and then i can read all of these entries and see how much i’ve progressed... if at all?

08/08/2020 21:59

i’m back

1. just doing this because tonight was quite interesting

2. 2b was fine

3. 2b isn’t my issue

4. i worked with an agency nurse and she was relatively okay. i don’t remember her name though

5. the topic of discussion today was because i went relieving to another ward

6. the TL talked to me at 1730 to tell me that they wanted an RN to relieve for meal breaks at WOMEN’S HEALTH. I obviously had to go because my patients were fine and everybody else was busy.

7. i rock up to women’s health and told 3 nurses that i was there to relieve for meal breaks

8. the actual moment i got to women’s health, they decided to code a patient for low blood pressure

9. i go about my business thinking that i was supposed to be in women’s health

10. i help out, give out some panadols and do some obs

11. the code ends then the TL comes up to me 15 minutes before i have to go back to ask me why i was there

12. i tell her that i was told to come down to women’s health to do meal breaks

13. she calls the dnc and asks why i was there but it turns out! i was meant to go the THE KIDS WARDDDDD

14. i called my TL and tell her about this and she tells me to come back.

15. had to go back to the ward because i obviously can’t neglect my own patients

16. i go back and it’s 1830

17. i do the rest of my 1800 round and i go for my own meal break... to the library

18. i get back and the DNC calls and jigar (a legend) says “it’s the dnc. don’t argue”

19. i pick up the phone and this lady goes “hi kaye. you were supposed to go to the kids ward to relieve meal breaks. they haven’t had their meal breaks. what happened?”

20. i tell her that i was told by my TL to go to women’s health

21. she then tells me that “why did the (women’s health TL) call me and ask why you were in women’s health?” i don’t remember her words verbatim but it went along the lines of why didn’t you tell anyone

22. i then said “there was a code going on”

23. then she said something that i don’t remember. this was because i interjected and said “do you want me to go to the kids ward?”

24. she said “yes please”

25. and the call ended

26. i just didn’t see the point in arguing with this woman. i could’ve asked who sent me to women’s health and she wouldn’t have had it.

27. i think that the sole purpose of that call was to tell me why i was wrong and to send me relieving to the kids ward

28. anyway

29. i went to relieve the kids ward. one of them had meal breaks by the time i left and i did a lot of stuff for them

30. and i got back to my ward at 2030 and none of my meds were done

31. and i did my notes at 20:50

the sole purpose of writing this post is to document everything. i personally don’t feel affected by this situation. i don’t really care that she was like that because i feel that she was trying to get a reaction out of me and i couldn’t be bothered giving people that satisfaction of obvious bother. the point of this is that just because i don’t care doesn’t make it okay. if this was me last year, i would be harming myself and bawling my eyes out because i’m a failure and everyone hates me. but i’m not that anymore. and i don’t want to participate in this. she was being really awful and malicious and i don’t appreciate this. this wasn’t my fault and i’m going to tell myself that because it’s the right thing to do. i don’t want past me to hurt because of this.

should i tell paula??? this isn’t really a tppp issue though??? idk. i’ll think about it.

18/08/2020 2222

i’m so tired

1. bad shift

2. bad shift

3. bad shift

4. buddy nurse left me at 1800 and kids ward nurse relieved a while later

5. everyone was bad

6. 24 - broke his arm. went to xray and ct. pt in pain all shift. pt slides down bed. pt refused meal.

7. 25 - pt language barrier. viet. family VERY involved. refused meds because loose bowels. obs were abysmal. mo notified. pt r/v. pt put on oxygen sats were 87. family constantly needed to be reassured all shift. he got moved to 13 at some point during the shift and family were not happy. yelling at tl about why he got moved and that family wouldn’t be able to stay in a shared room because it’s not a private space. they d/c him tonight against medical advice. the nurse i handed over to didn’t do the notes for him so i have no idea if he left with his cannula because why would anyone be bothered by that??? i didn’t have him when he d/c so i don’t understand why i had to write his d/c notes.

8. 26 - pt has stoma. pt has picc. pt has feed running. all shift until 1800, unsure of whether feeds were to be started as pt had to fast for ct. pt hypo-ed this am so risky to keep her off feeds. fluids ran. feed continued. pt x1 assist so needed help getting to commode chair. meds meds meds

9. 27 - pt independent. nothing much but triple abx. had to space out each one because she only had one ivc. pt constantly needed to be disconnected as she wanted to walk around room.

10. 28 - i forgot to give meds early this pm. attempted to give but pt was off the ward so it ended up being given 3 hours later. pt was supposed to be going home but because bno, had to stay and to give microlax. good effect. please go home tomorrow.

11. 29 / TR - pt was a fucking asshole retarded piece of shit. hx of schizophrenia. yelled at me at dinnertime. he broke his leg because he’s an actual stupid shit. offered to help set him up for dinner cursed at me because he can’t eat that way. fair enough. we need to keep that leg elevated though. offered to sit him up from bed and put a chair at the end so keeps his leg elevated, yelled at me. told me to fuck off and to find someone else and he called me an airhead on the way out. i turned his lights off, shut his door and left him yelling for someone to come see him and left him not eating his dinner because i refuse to be spoken to that way. mental health issues or not. i don’t appreciate it. he refused all his meds so fuck him.

12. 2 - pt fasted for 2 days. now going to 3. lap chole didn’t happen today. pt was really pissy. he was unfasted by one of the doctors so i gave him something to eat. fluids were charted for him but i didn’t end up getting those up for him because i was just so busy. amy wasn’t happy. said she wanted to smack me. jokingly though but i know she was not happy and she probably half meant that. i get it. he had the addit meds in his drawer so i guess it’s fine because she can put that up. he was eating and drinking so there was no need for him to have those fluids running during those times but i get it. there was no excuse why i couldn’t have put those meds up.

13. they also brought a new pt up at 2030 so there’s that.

14. did i say that 5 of them were infectious?

15. did i say that i had to supervise a new student??

16. did i also say that i had to do 7 notes???

i’m just not happy right now and i’m disappointed and i’m frustrated and i’m upset because it was a mess today and i don’t like it.

i just need to breathe.

next shift, i know what to do if i’m put back in the rooms.

04/09/2020 1640

not too bad

1. i feel like i always come here to rant about how awful my shift in 2b was

2. today was okay

3. i was in the rooms with sue

4. did i say that sue is a queen and is a bloody legend

5. the heaviest person we had was bed 1 who moved to bed 25 and he was palliated shortly after adl’s

6. otherwise, everyone was really good

7. bed 2 was confused yesterday but was more orientated today and the special was lifted and the carer was there to help with adl’s for everyone

8. 28 had a heparin infusion which i missed 2 chicks on but it really wasn’t the end of the world. reminder that i must relearn the heparin infusion stuff

9. 27 i didn’t go into besides pain relief. i heard the stoma nurse cracking the shits about how the wound was being looked after. at least my hands are clean because i didn’t touch anything regarding that

10. 26 was the lady in bed who was stand lifter because she had a fracture. she was also fine and is at modbury now hopefully getting rehbailitated

11. 25 was initially a hot young dude but became the palliated patient

12. 24 was this dude who’s fasting for theatre and besides the hour that he went without fluids, he was fine

13. i was finda, the student, she’s really good and funny and although needs supervision, she is otherwise, a really good student and i would work with her again

14. ash the doctor is super cute

that’s it. it was eerily okay and now i’m worried for tomorrow.

16/09/2020 1907

i’m honestly forgetting to do these at this point. tsk tsk.

1. i’ve come off my first two nights

2. first impressions... it’s so busy

3. it’s shockingly busy.

4. 8 patients is a lot to juggle

5. i’ve found myself in these 2 nights with something to do constantly for every minute of those 10 hours

6. doing a full round takes an hour to two hours max so by the time you finish, there’s other stuff to do

7. i was doing paperwork in between moments of silence and because you have 8 patients, there SO much paperwork

8. i thought i was quick with doing my notes but holy hell it took me a good 45 minutes to actually write 8 notes

9. this shift tonight was constant because there were hourly things to do and everybody’s blood pressure just kept playing up and everyone’s fluids just so happened to finish throughout the night and doctors took a while to get to the ward to have things reviewed

10. i almost missed a medication

11. thankfully penny is a gem

12. the night just went by so quick

13. i don’t think i can explain how i look at my watch once and when i look at it again, it’s 2 hours later and i feel like i have achieved and done nothing

thankfully i don’t have anymore nights during this roster and i only have 2 for the next one. vanessa is nice for doing that (and she gave me all my thursday requests). :)

19/09/2020 2322

hi

1. ash is so fucking cute that my heart hurts

that’s legit my only update bahahahahahahahahahahaha

13/10/2020 2149

oh god

1. sorry i haven’t been in for a while

2. that last update was just trasssssh

3. he is still so cute though

4. holy shit

5. but he’s so successful that it’s intimidating

6. oof

7. this is about nursing. let’s focus

8. i was in 11-14

9. i worked with amanda and she’s the best

10. the shift was not too bad. the 1800 round was quite hectic but i got through at the end

11. all my patients were non-exciting

12. just the usual 2B stuff

13. i hate to admit this on here but please don’t tell anyone

14. i wouldn’t mind coming back to work there

15. ED is still where i want to end up if this whole medicine thing doesn’t turn up but tbh 2B... not too horrible

16. there are 3 new regular staff members (sharon, jigar and karla) and i love them all

17. it’s starting to be a better place... i think

18. if i just stay positive and keep calm (and make ash an inspiration to come to work *because at this point, he is*) then i can get through this rotation

19. and the students are actually the best bunch this time round

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa conflict

14/10/2020 2212

i’m back so soon. it’s just been chaos today to be honest and i’m just fucking sad

1. i had an early today

2. which is fine

3. but! when i arrived at the ward, penny pulled me aside and asked about bed 12 and the fact that he didn’t have fluids running all afternoon

4. i got really nervous because i had this conversation with deb and casey yesterday about more fluids being put up

5. i know i don’t recap on here but for this explanation, i think i have to

6. sometime in the middle of my shift yesterday, bed 12′s bag of fluids finished and i noticed that he didn’t have another order written up. i know that he’s fasting. so i went to casey by the nurse’s station where deb was and asked her to write up more ivt because he’s fasting and that was the last bag written up. she asked what he was fasting for and i said i think it was because of periop review. which at that point was already done so i gave her the notes for her to interpret the plan by the periop team. i then asked if he was still fasting and she asked if he was fasting for the ngt to which i said he already has the ng??? and she looked really confused and deb started getting involved and she chimed in that he should be on replacement and i didn’t know about any replacement order and she showed me the fluid chart and there was an order for the replacement (BUT NOT FOR MAINTENANCE) and that it should’ve been started the day before when he was losing so much in his ng. i think by this point, they both look at me like i’m dumb (which i am) and i inquired about the fact that he was still fasting and if he was for ot and what the actual plan was. she said that he needs to be on the replacement and that he can have ice chips and that they will need to put him on a surgical list or something. because she didn’t write any new fluids up, i (stupidly) assumed that he only needed to be on replacement because both of them went on and on about the replacement. i still wasn’t convinced so i flagged the fluid chart because i needed to follow that up. come 2000 and i had finished my round and i needed to get on top of these fluids so i asked another doctor from colorectal to chart some ivt because i asked cora about it and she said that he should be having maintenance fluid. i have a new order but by this point, antibiotics were running and i decided to put up the fluids after the ivabs and also because he only had one cannula. i handed over to the night staff about the new order for fluid to be put up and about the replacement fluid. i thought it was okay.

7. coming back to this morning and penny pulling me aside and grilling me about the fact that no ivt was running for him for the WHOLE afternoon. she went through the chart with me and pointed out that the bag of fluid that i had taken down that afternoon was the same bag of fluid that she had put up the night before. i literally had no explanation as to why that bag ran for more that 10 hours. i tried saying that his cannula could’ve been positional and it wasn’t running smoothly for the 10 hours but by god, penny wasn’t buying it. she gave me a tap on the arm and said to be more mindful next time. flashback to the previous shift where i WAS being mindful because i DID follow it up and no one did anything.

8. the round started and obviously the doctors noticed and were really upset and all i could honestly do was take it. i was just so embarrassed that i compromised my patient.

9. casey and bed were also really upset with me about the fact that he didn’t have fluids running WHEN I LITERALLY TALKED TO THEM YESTERDAY ABOUT IT and i hate that it painted me in such a negligent light when i wasn’t. i really tried yesterday.

10. and this isn’t me putting the blame on anyone. i know i’m mostly at fault and that’s why i’m beating myself up over this. i know i should’ve pushed for more fluids to be charted. i should never have let casey leave without a new bag written up. i should’nt have left that nurses station without actually clarifying with them what the plan was about his diet status and his ng and what replacement actually entails.

11. it’s just incredibly humiliating because i know that i’m better than this. i know these things.

12. that start just completely ruined my whole day and i was just miserable throughout. i had frequent breaks to the toilet to calm down and not cry.

13. it was just a mess.

14. and paula emailed me about not sending in my prd and she cc’ed vanessa and shirley and now i’m fucking worried to come back on shift and them asking me about it when all i did was forget to send my prd. I WAS NOT SLACKING OFF. I SWEAR. I DID MY PRD AT EXACTLY 8 WEEKS BECAUSE I’M *THAT* PERSON. I just forgot to send it so please everyone stop being mad at me.

15. i’m on fucking isotretonoin.

16. i’m extra depressed.

i think i feel much better. i’ll be okay. i just needed to let that out and be allowed to be sad for a few hours without the massive load of life on my hands.

i’ll never show my face to colorectal ever again. (and ash is in colorectal so this is even worse) oh god

04/11/2020 1230

STUDY DAY 5 COMPLETE!

1. it’s 12 in the morning

2. i should be asleep

3. i just came on here for consistency

4. we had lunch on the pickled duck

5. some of the grads already have jobs after this

6. i felt so much of a failure today

7. everyone wants permanent jobs but i want casual but the way they word “casual” is like the default because nobody else wanted you and i hate that it’s how my brain is framing it

8. but i will go casual and maybe be pre-booked to 2b???

9. or i could get a really low fte at 2b if they wanted me back???

10. i don’t know

11. i just hope i get everything done on time

12. the cv tips were absolute mint

13. i’m gonna miss everyone

14. i hope we all make it

all around me are familiar faces...

09/11/2020 2217

this is messy

1. this was so messy

2. so so messy

3. 24. patient had a pressure sore??? dressing was done during double staff time and not during the morning so i had to go to wound bank to get the dressing and the am nurse put the dressing on and didn’t tell me how the pressure sore looked like. to be honest, i should’ve asked and looked myself but that’s besides the point. jackie asked me what it looked like and i couldn’t give her an answer. patient was to ffm for ot tomorrow but no ivt was written up so i had to put that up on the taskboard at 2000 which is super late to be following up for ivt when i should’ve known that he was to ffm and for ot tomorrow. why didn’t i ask alice to chart ivt when she was there all afternoon??? why? because i’m dumb. meds were faxed this morning but didn’t arrive. i called pharmacy multiple times today about how we ran out of ward stock for trace elements. i called them way before 1800 and tbhey still sent the pink slip that says it’s ward stock. ffs. i travelled to 2e and 2a to find trace but couldn’t find any and then cindy and i had to liaise with the doctor to grab it from after hours downstairs. i had to go for my break and when i got back at 1900, it still wasn’t give so i had to give that really late only to find out that thiamine had to be put up. so i had to stop the medication that takes 4 hours to give so that i could thiamine. cvc was taken out during double staff time. ivc was put up during double staff time. on his plan that i read while doing notes said something about doing an insulin infusion preoperatively if his bgls where 12 and above. no one handed this over to me so i had a reading of 13 for pre-dinner and saw that he had above 12 for the whole day. we could’ve started that infusion earlier when there were more people.

4. 25. he pissed on the floor as i was about to finish. he had a lot of issues today. we started off with a heparin infusion that was stopped because the night/morning staff had an issue that he had accidentally been given 7mls of his heparin. the bloods were taken at 11 because all day, his infusion was for review. the heparin was recommenced but not before doctors were chased up all shift because they wrote on the wrong part of the chart, then they didn’t order the right dose for heparin, then they didn’t chart the rate or units, then they charted the wrong rate and units, then it was recommenced finally. i had to check that hourly. which i did. right when the heparin had finished and it said it was finished, i took off the line from his cannula to do an antibiotic that i missed (we’ll get to his meds in a bit) because his second cannula had tissued right when i was about to do that missed antibiotic. so i had no choice but to do it on his other cannula that had the heparin on it. i took it off because it was finished and penny and jackie were replacing heparin anyway. i took it off thinking that the line would be changed. when jackie and penny came around they said, oh we cna’t check that because the rate says 1ml/hr. I HAD BEEN CHECKING THAT EVERY HOUR AND IT SAID 3.2ML/HR. I DON’T KNOW HOW THAT BECAME 1ML/HR. penny then did a really passive/aggressive throw at me by saying, that’s why check every hour. then she looked at the line and saw that it was disconnected. she then told me off and said that we never disconnect heparin and that the screw-ups were probably because other people were doing what i was doing. the syringe was finished. irrespective of whether or not i disconnected him from the heparin, he wouldn’t be getting a dose anyway because it was finished. penny hates me after that incident with the fasting patient last month. she still holds on to that i think. then the medsssss. the morning staff completely missed a chart and therefore didn’t give some of his 0800 meds. i am stupid because i also didn’t catch this. i probably did catch it but all of the missed meds were faxed to pharmacy so i was probably thinking that they would come up soon. turns out that a daisy drug was missed in the morning. i told the doctor this and she was not happy. she had to reset all the times so that it would go back to normal. it was bad. it was really. bad. i had to give the 0800 daisy drug at 1700. that’s stupid because he had the same drug at 2000 that needed then to be pushed to 0300 and the morning dose pushed to 1000 only for it to go back to 2000 tomorrow. it’s a mess. there was also a weekly medication that wasn’t given. it was faxed but it never came up. it was just awful. he was also 1.5L FR and he wasn’t weighed.

5. 26. this lady is 29 with ca. that’s so sad. anyway. she was on a pca. that’s in itself is awful because 2 hourly obs and her pca literally finished during handover. it was fucking awful. i could hear it through the door as we were doing handover that the syringe was finished. and her fluids were finishing too. i hate it. i hate everything. i hate my life. the clexane wasn’t double signed by whoever i checked it with. she had dda’s and taps and things that needed double signatures and no one ever wants to check with me. it was tragic. he refused an ngt this afternoon. she’s complaining of bno for 3 days but home team is hesitant to give her aperients because of her history. SHE WAS DUE FOR AN IRON INFUSION THAT WASN’T GIVEN BECAUSE PHARMACY GAVE IT SO LATE THAT NO DOCTORS WERE FREE TO DO THE IRON INFUSION WITH. i called them multiple times today about that iron infusion only for then to tell me that i was coming up. but it came at the last round and by then it’s 1700 and all the doctors have gone home and i’m in the middle of my round and i had to go for break and when i got back it was another round and oops it’s 2000 and cover’s busy. it was so messy. i don’t know. i don’t know if she had meds that weren’t given but she hopefully had all her meds.

6. 27. her picc had to be removed today? because she had a bug. she had a new ivc put in during double staff time which was great but tpn couldn’t be given because we can’t give tpn through an ivc. i’m just glad that we had fluids that were meant to be going up and it had fucking glucose in there so she wouldn’t hypo. her fistula bag didn’t give me too much grief today. it didn’t leak which was nice. it just sucks that she needed pain relief as i was about to go. she’s due for another picc tomorrow anyway which is fine but the ivc was just annoying today because we were held back with her antibiotic because she had no line and when she finally did have a line it turns out that she didn’t have her antibiotic and it hadn’t come up from pharmacy. so i had to call them about that and thankfully it came up 6 hours late and they didn’t even give me the other medication that i had faxed. luckily it was a daily dose and i still had one left but the late staff tomorrow will kill me. tbh 27 was my star patient today. update: she wasn’t. the doctor wrote stat vitamin k today but it wasn’t given this morning. i asked the doctor if they still wanted it given because there was still time to fax it to pharmacy but she said that it was on the plan that they didn’t want it given. so i gave her the chart to review and come handover time when i checked, it wasn’t reviewed and it looks like i didn’t give it and it was a FUCKING STAT ORDER. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

7. i thought i had an inkling that i wanted to work at 2b but today just proves that maybe i don’t???

8. no one really cares.

9. andrew told me this.

10. i don’t know. maybe he was talking to me and passively aggressively telling me that i wasn’t helping him but oh well.

11. all i did today was follow up doctors and follow up pharmacy and pick up the slack that the morning staff didn’t do and do all of my stuff at the same time and i sort of get blamed for all the messy stuff anyway. and it sucks. because i really wanted to do well today after being 5 days off.

12. i was really trying. i made sure i did all my checks and i finally did all my fbc’s this time. i went through meds to make sure everyone had stock. i made sure to fax them to pharmacy on time so that i get them all ON TIME. i highlighted on my cheat sheet for things that the doctors need reviewing. i thought i was on a roll. and then i wasn’t.

13. i think when 1700 rolls around, it’s just a mess. because it’s one thing after the other.

14. or maybe it’s the nature of the rooms. i have been in the rooms for 4 days in a row last week and today. 

15. karla noticed and told me to swap but i know how tl’s feel about people swapping out of the rooms. they fucking hate it

16. the thing is though... penny noticed the chaos that i left behind. jackie too. and now i feel like they’re going to be so nit-picky about everything in the charts and looking for one miniscule detail that they can pick apart. they’ll tell vanessa in the morning and it’ll be a whole spiel about checking charts because the rooms missed so many meds meds today and that nothing is tidied up and plans weren’t followed up and it’ll be a whole thing and i won’t be there in the morning or the afternoon to take the brunt of it. and i do want to take accountability. i don’t want them talking behind my back and telling me i’m shit. just tell me. tell me so i know. i’m just terrified now because i just really want to be better. and it just fucking sucks that today was a mess and i really tried to make it better and it didn’t happen. and i know it’s my fault. you can argue that it’s not. but it is. it was my fault for not pushing the things i wanted followed up. my fault.

17. i also have to do this painful conversation with vanessa about being a referee. i doubt she’ll be one though.

18. amanda is amazing. she waited for me even though i left at 2155.

19. ash was around too.

i want to cry. because i feel like a failure and i feel like everything’s a mess.

13/11/2020 2200

i’m not in the rooms this time!!!

1. i had a good day... i think?

2. pretty chill until the end there

3. i worked with kabita. she’s a gem

4. i feel like i’ve been annoying everyone with how positive i am

5. i’ll stop

6. i don’t know what to say

7. my bed 8 had a pca which was fine

8. my bed 9 was x2 assist and was troubled with moving around and i think he pulled  a muscle because he was in pain a lot after getting into bed

9. and he told me he was having trouble breathing and sirens were ringing in my head

10. but i think it was just pain-related

11. so we have endone and repositioned him and i think he’s okay now

12. overall, everything was good

13. my feet hurt

14. okay let’s just talk about my feelings for a minute

15. this is so inappropriate but ash was around today and caught me by surprise

16. at this point he’s the only one motivating me to come to work

17. but i don’t think he likes me that way bahahahahahahahahahahashhahahahahahahahahahahah what the fuck am i typing right now hahahahahahahahahhahahahaahhaahhahahahahahahah

18. i don’t know. it feels weird like... we’re friends and will only ever be friends.

19. oh god but it hurts

i can’t. this is complex all over again. gaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

16/11/2020 2122

okay so here’s the sitch

1. ash is totally not interested. i don’t think so

2. i got covid tested for the luls

3. i hope it’s negative dear lord i hope it’s negative

4. i haven’t left my house besides to go to work. how in fuck’s name would i get it???

5. if i am positive then i know someone in the hospital gave it to me because it ain’t me sis

6. i was in the rooms again

7. i have an appointment tomorrow so i’m going to get moved if i am still in the rooms

8. cbf to the rooms

9. i have to leave at 1

10. it was so fucking busy today. more than usual.

11. usually by day 3 of being in the rooms, i have adjusted to everyone because i’ve had the same people for 3 days.

12. i worked with tamara (gem she is but she did forget to help me a lot today)

13. 23. is x1 assist and although she’s quite okay, rang the bell all throughout my med round so i was just freaking out

14. 24. i had to do a dressing change because doctors took it down. i packed it and everything but the doctors came back and took everything down so we had to do everything all over again

15. 25. heparin infusion continues to run and he fucking bled through the whole night and it was just a mess. he also had a dressing change

16. 26. dementia lady. refused care all day. called my hair ugly

17. 27. cystoscopy and needed a new fistula bag

18. 28. vac dressing came off, needed re-dressing and she was for a picc line

19. 1. for tov but kept putting it off

20. 2. vague at times. kept pressing the bell

21. 29. we almost had a resp precautions lady. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

22. it was a mess. i didn’t have morning tea or lunch. there’s that.

23. i didn’t do any of my care plans or falls risk or pressure injury or composites or fbcs and bowel charts and i probably missed meds. 

24. it was a mess

25. mel was there and tia was there for the late and they looked so over it

26. let’s get back to ash. he was around today. i legit almost ran into him and it caught me by surprise because i wasn’t expecting him to be around. and he asked how i was and i said i was dying and i asked how he was and he said the same and that he was up at 0430 to come there to do bloods and he was tired so i told him that we should die together and he said that it was something??? romantic??? and i ran away because he’s so cute i can’t aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa but also he was around all day and he was joking around with everyone and now i’m thinking maybe he just sees everyone as friends??? i have no clue.

i just am tired. my feet hurt. i wish the covid test is negative. it’s probably positive considering my luck these days.

17/11/2020 1818

negative bibi

1. i just got my covid test result and it’s negative

2. guess where i was buddy

3. rooms

4. i came in early so i could swap because i was leaving early but vanessa was like “nope. allocation’s been done!” yeet

5. karla was there and she saw me trying to swap and she looked at me like “aww. kaye. no.”

6. so i had no choice but to be in the rooms

7. to be honest, because of the whole debacle yesterday, i was kind of prepared and i knew what i had to do and what needed to be done

8. for instance. i’m more comfortable with bed 25′s heparin infusion

9. i knew which meds needed to be done for each patient

10. i knew which dressings i need doing

11. the og bed 23 was gone so that was fun because she was highly infectious and needed serious ppes but she was also replaced by a query covid so i guess it was more of the same

12. 24 was the same and i felt more confident in doing a dressing change

13. 25 was still on heparin but because the doctors overnight did a pressure dressing change, it didn’t leak through anymore

14. 26 was empty.

15. maybe that’s why today was easier. i had 3 patients.

16. i was going to get someone new. ?covid but the moment he came to the ward, he was taken to ot

17. 27 we changed her bag and i did it with aman

18. 28 was the same she went to ot because her wound was leaking

19 1 was the same. idc was out

20. 2 was the same and nothing new

21. i was a good morning. i didn’t get tea break or lunch break though.

22. now let’s talk about ash again lol

23. he’s in today!

24. how is he on for so many days now and i didn’t see him at all for 2-3 weeks???

25. he was looking 24′s chart and i gave it to him and i said his name and accidentally called him “ass” and he laughed and i laughed *awkwardly* and he jokingly said are you checking me out blah blah something something words and he walks away and says more stuff and he slaps his own butt and holy shit wtf just happened and i said that i haven’t forgiven him for calling me faye that one time

my hart <3 be still

24/11/2020 0938

i have 2 weeks left sis

1. i had a night shift and the past 2 nights weren’t awful.

2. i have had decent shifts

3. granted that they did put me back in the rooms for my late-early before these nights but it wasn’t too crazy.

4. i finally had a meal break which was exciting.

5. i have nothing of significance to say only that i have 2 weeks left and i’m semi-relieved because i’m tired and semi-sad because i will miss the place

6. there was one negative from this shift and it’s that i didn’t get to talk to ash today

7. i had so many urology patients that i was hoping i’d run into him before my shift ends.

8. i washed my hair for you. pls like me.

9. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

i don’t know when i’ll come back to update you. maybe at the tail-end of this rotation. i’m just savouring the last few days that i have employment and a steady income and maybe getting to see ash. he’s so fucking cute i hate myself so much.

03/12/2020 0136

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

1. i have an interview tomorrow for casual pool

2. jigar told me the questions and answers so i hope it’ll be fine

3. hopefully it’s also the study day questions

4. it’ll be fine because it’s only 4 of us and it’s only half an hour

5. it’ll be fine

6. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

7. i’m stressing out

8. let’s get to the shift

9. i had 15-18

10. it wasn’t bad. it was just constant because i also had to answer a lot of call bells for tayla (she’s great btw)

11. i kept telling robert that i was looking forward for him to go home before i finish but now he’s staying for a while

12. i don’t know

13. ash was in today and he’s still adorable as always

14. i almost ran into him literally.

15. i was changing someone’s colostomy bag and gomta was calling me so i pulled the curtain and walked out and almost ran into him because i was looking down and when i looked up it was ash and i literally gasped because holy fucking shit i was that close to him and i looked at him in the eyes and was just a fucking mess because he’s just aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa and then i managed to collect myself and said hi and he was looking for bed 20 and i said she was ot and i ran off because i’m a mess

16. i saw him again later and he asked how i was and i said that i was excited and nervous and he asked who i had a date with and i said sadly none (i was so tempted to say “i’m just waiting on you” i’m glad i didn’t because that would be pathetic) and then i said that i was finishing my contract soon and that i had an interview and he said good luck to me and he joked around with another rn and my heart because i guess everything was just normal colleague banter and conversation

17. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaai was literally throwing you a signal that we will never see each other again soon. are we just torpe? what is that in english

18. anyways. interview tomorrow. i probably won’t update you because it’s not a work day for me tomorrow but maybe the last 3 shifts?

wish me luck. i need this casual job.

07/12/2020 2239

this is a quick update i need to sleep

1. it’s my last day tomorrow

2. worked with amy. the best.

3. gave deb her chocolates although she was quite pissy with me today

4. everyone was surprised i was finishing tomorrow

5. i’m tempted to call in sick

6. i got the casual role

7. i saw ash today but we didn’t see each other and now we’ll never see each other ever again and i’m so sad and i’m gonna continue being sad

that’s my update. see you tomorrow.

10/12/2020 1207

that’s it. my last shift. done.

1. let me start by saying that it was really weird that i finished on a night.

2. i can’t sat that i was shocked because my last shift at ED was also on a night.

3. i won’t get into reminiscing everything because i think i’ll do one massive post on that

4. let’s just talk about my actual shift

5. worked at 7-14

6. not too bad because i know all of them already

7. 7 was the same. he slept all the way and his bed was just a mess and he can’t stay still to elevate his leg. i just left him as he was because he looked comfortable. i hope he get’s better

8. 8 was the same. he was the man who had net tube coiled around his teeth. it’s so fucking cool that I caught that. i was doing his note and i saw his plan was to measure the tube length daily and i hadn’t that on that shift so i thought i sneak one in and do a check and he said that it was uncomfortable. he opens his mouth and holy shit the tube was coiled. the doctor reviewed it and it was taken out. they wrote on the notes that the tube was unsafe and i’m so glad that i caught that because he was supposed to start on the feeds that night. he’s fine and a star patient. he’s for another tube this friday

9. 9 is a smart ass. annoying.

10. 10 was a new guy but he was so easy to look after that there was not much that was memorable about him. lap chole. d/c the next day

11. 11 was empty

12. 12 was a lady we’ve seen before and she came back after i had sent her home. it was weird. she had no plans. but i liked her. she was a good patient overnight

13. 13 was an mrcp lady. ?ercp. ?fasting but they wrote a plan for cf??? it was confusing. she was otherwise okay. i think she was rather scared and traumatised after the debacle with 14.

14. 14 is a special lady. at the start of my shift, she started moaning and groaning in pain. i expected this considering she had a background of ivdu, od’s, addictions, withdrawals, and all the fun stuff. disclaimer that i know that i shouldn’t assume but hear me out. when i first received this patient when she was admitted, the nurse handed over to me that she was a funny lady. when you go in the room, she plays up. when you leave, she’s fast asleep and comfortable as can be. i can sense an abuser of the system. okay. cool. this is how you are doing this then. i don’t like that one bit. so she understands from the get-go that she can have pain relief every two hours. she’s a nurse. she knows this. the game she plays is asking me what time it is. it sounds like an innocent question. oh yeah, what time is it just for my innocent knowledge. nope. it’s so she can know when she’s due for another one. don’t think you’re fooling me maam because right at the 2 hour mark, you ring the bell and you start playing up your “pain”. i don’t buy it you fuckwit. you were sleeping oh-so-comfortably just then with your leaning your head to one side and snoring your stupid face away. fuck you. so getting back to the shift, she had s/c oxy at 2105 and was in “so much pain” that it involved a lot cursing and you should be ashamed of yourself and i’m calling the ceo and you’re cruel AND SHE PULLED THE RACE CARD ON ME. YOU PULLED THE RACE CARD ON ME????? EXCUSE ME??? i digress. i did an urgent review because she threatened to be trouble if she didn’t get anything. doctor came and after much deliberation and understanding that she wants fentanyl, she charts her the smallest dose. with some additional clonidine and her reg nitrazepam to shut her up. fair enough. it worked. the bitch is asleep. anaesthetist came and was a real piece of work when she came in. she acted all smug and wasn’t convinced about why she was called and looked annoyed that she had to review a sleeping and comfortable patient. she said “how is she?” “settled” “did you want me to bother her or let her sleep?” “let her sleep” “okay”. wtf. she starts writing on the case notes and very passive aggressively asking me questions. after i explained to her the situation and that she had a history and that the intern told her she can have pain relief “whenever” and that she was under aps that’s why they couldn’t review the pain relief, she sort of started to get convinced. luckily 14 rang the bell. this was the only time i was relieved that she rang because now look at her doctorbitchcraft. see what i have to work with. she came out of that room back on the nurses side that this lady is crazy. she will now be reviewed by them. she explains to me that her diagnosis doesn’t cause that much pain and her sudden increase in pain was unusual because it conveniently happened on the day that she realised she could take advantage of her hospital stay to abuse more opioids. i really don’t like that. after this, she settled but still rang the bell every 2 hours asking for pain relief. she had the nerve to apologise to me that morning. no you’re not forgiven but because i have to be fake her, it’s fine. it’s soooo fine. i love my job.

15, anyway.

16. that was my last shift.

17. it was very sad because i left so unceremoniously. i guess i wanted that but also... i thought i made enough connections with people that they would say goodbye. this is why we shouldn’t expectttttttt aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i left a huge box of chocolates and no one really cared that much. ffs.

18. i didn’t return my key because lol

19. i also didn’t get to see ash. i saw him yesterday but her was going to the toilet and didn’t see me walking out.

20. alice was in so i knew urology were in so i was sort of hoping ash’ll walk in and i’d tell him it was my last day and.... i don’t know.

21. aaaaahhh shit.

22. 2b was interesting. i dreaded coming here but it was not that awful. it’s come full circle and maybe it was a blessing because i can finally let go of this grudge and this resentment i had for nursing after working here as a student. i now realise the stress and pressure it takes to work in this busy ward and i have more of an appreciation and understanding of the work and why people are the way that they are. it was no excuse how they treat people but i hope that by me being there changed something? it probably didn’t. will i be going back to ed?????? yes. will i be going back to 2b?????? also yes. casual nurseeee here i come.

i’ll make a huge post after this. detailing my trials and tribulations during this grad year. it’ll be when i’m available. but for now. i’m signing off. thank you 2b. you’ve taught me how to be a better nurse. simply by showing me ways how to be and not to be. i don’t know how i managed to insert the pun in there.

09/01/2020 1520

today marks the end of my grad year! although i did finish my last shift last month, today is actually the end of my contract and therefore the end of my grad year. i’m officially a full-fledged nurse. fuck.

let’s do a final recap.

The biggest problem I had throughout the year was my struggle with my Imposter Syndrome. It’s the feeling of incompetence and undeserving-ness I had of my role. I think there were multiple times throughout this post that I’ve complained of how stupid I was. And a lot of the times that I’ve said that to myself is undocumented. The instances are numerous and forever stuck within the confines of my brain. I worried too much about how people perceived me. I thought that I had left this behind but it cam circling back. I found myself working hard not to deliver the best care but so I could be “perceived” as a hard-worker. It’s so messy. It’s also so difficult. I left shifts so exhausted because I hadn’t sat down or had a meal break or had a drink of water for 8 or so hours. I was torturing myself beyond belief so I could do more and be more.

Despite this, I am proud of one thing - I didn’t crack this year. I had to deal with colleagues and patients treating me horribly and work spaces that weren’t supportive and add my troubled brain into this mix and it was a recipe for disaster. But I refused to allow myself to crumble. I ploughed through and built myself up back up when I fell. I learned to accept everything as criticism and to let things go when it hurt. I had so much growth this year that I can say that I am a good nurse. I’m not the best but my experiences at the most difficult places shaped me into the nurse that I am.

I’m proud of myself.

And I don’t say that to myself enough.

okay. why the fuck did i like so many people this year??? i think boys and money were my only motivations this year. it’s so pathetic.

ash is actually the most beautiful man i’ve ever met. oh my god. i have butterflies every time i see him. i actually look forward to go to work because i know he’s there. but... i’m actually so intimidated by him because he’s so successful. he’s a doctor. he studied overseas. he speaks 3 languages. he does other medical related stuff outside of work. he’s a jeweller. he’s has other businesses that i don’t think i’m even aware of. he’s charismatic. he’s funny. he’s fucking adorable. i’m feel like dying when i see him. i have to keep reminding myself that this is just infatuation. it’s just infatuation.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

anyways.

i don’t know how long i’ll be a nurse for but i’ll do my best until the time ends and i move on to something else.

I learned so much this year.

Thank you to my preceptors, my colleagues, my fellow grads, my patients, and to meeeeeeeeeeee.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

i’m a nurse. woo~

[kakadunpylly]

Lyon Q&A

PERSONALITY PROFILE    1. People don't behave the same way all the time. In fact, they generally have a mask for every social group -- friends, family, business. Sometimes they have a different mask for different groups of friends. How does your character act around different people? How does their personality shift and change?

-      It doesn’t change. He’s always open minded and happy-go-lucky.

 2 Your character has been brought to a party and promptly ditched. They don't have a ride back home. How does this work? How comfortable are they around all of these strangers? Do they interact?

 -      At first, he would feel sting of disappointment but he will go to people and ask how to get taxi home or call his parents to pick him up if possible.

   3. It's kind of awkward - what subjects are likely to make your character hesitate, flush, stumble on their words, etc.?

 -      When he’s reminded of how much he talks random shit and listeners are tired of listening his stories and random facts.

   4. Is your character more dominant or submissive to the people around them? Do they tend to follow others' orders and wait for people to give them instruction in life, or do they charge ahead and make decisions on their own?

 -      Both honestly. He listens others opinions closely but can keep his own head too.

   5. What happens when your character doesn't get what they want?

 -      He might pout a little but forgets about it soon.

       6. What's the character's self-esteem like?

 -      Brilliant.

       a. Does it change over the course of the story?

 -      Not really.

   7. What's one flaw about themselves that they hate the most and wish they could change?

 -      Sometimes he wishes to be less hyperactive. He doesn’t hate it but sometimes it gets him in the troubles/or he gets on others nerves.

   8. How does their personality shift when someone gets to know them well?

 -      Not much. Just non-stop talking and puns ensues.

   9. Do they prefer time alone, or with other people?

 -      With other people.

10. Is it easy for this character to tell someone "no" when they don't want to do something?

 -      Yes.

   11. If this character were to describe their own personality, how would they do it?

 -      Wild, lively, loud and sunny.

   12. Is this character aware of their flaws?

 -      Yes but he can deal with it.

   13. How has this character's personality changed from childhood to adulthood?

 -      He’s less AD/HD when matured and doesn’t prank that much anymore or try to be in the spotlight all the time.

   14. Who influenced this character's personality? Did they pick up any mannerisms or traits from someone?

 -      Politeness from his parents, wilderness.. who knows?

   15. Does this character express affection? Are they comfortable doing so?

 -      They do very obviously.

   16. When frightened, will the character "fight" or "flight"?

 -      Mostly flight, he prefers not to go in fight mode

   17. Does this character ever put someone else's needs in front of their own?

       Yes, his boyfriends most of the time.

       a. If there are only rare exceptions, why is that the case?    18. If this character suffered amnesia and lost all their memories, what would they be like?

 -      Probably shy, quiet and confused 24/7

   19. How does the character's living space reflect their personality?

 -      It is what it is lol

   20. What's one thing that other characters wish they could change about this character's personality?

 -      Nothing really.

EMOTIONAL PROFILE    1. How easy is it for your character to feel anger? What's usually a good tip off that they're experiencing it? (Physical reactions, movements of appendages, etc.)

a. Sadness?        b. Happiness?        c. Fear?

- Overall he is like a open book with expressions which can tell how he’s feeling.    2. What state of mind is the character usually in?

- Happy and energetic    3. Are there any emotions the character is particularly afraid of, or really resents having to feel?

- He doesn’t fear but prefers not to be angry because it brings bad out of him.    4. How easily does this character trust their feelings with others?

- Very well. (which might backfire sometime)

       a. Has anyone ever betrayed them?

-      No

 b. How did it affect their ability to trust?

-      See previous answer    5. Can this character easily hide their emotions?

-      Not really.

       a. Do they find it difficult to express emotion, thus tend to look neutral?

-      Nope.

   6. How well can this character resist their emotions and impulses?

-      Badly at times    7. Does this character ever get violent (with others, objects, themselves) when feeling any certain emotions?

-      Nope.    8. Has this character contemplated suicide?

-      No.        a. Self-harm?        b. Physically injuring others?

-      When his bf’s ex tries to threaten Oliver (his bf)

       c. Killing others?    9. Does the character have any triggers? Why do these things trigger them?

-      - If someone tends to hurt his boyfriend (esp. his bf’s ex) he gets very protective.    10. What would hurt this character so badly they couldn't even breathe?

-      Losing his parents, boyfriend or close friends.    11. What is guaranteed to make this character smile?

-      His boyfriends rare smile    12. If the character could remove one emotion from their life, which would they choose?

-      Sadness    13. If they're feeling upset, who are they likely to talk to for comfort? Or do they keep it inside?

-      He will open up to his friends first, then parents.

   14. How would this character cope with losing someone extremely close to them?

-      It will take lots of time to get over it. (not to cry now and then) he tries to find comfort from others.    15. How does this character look and feel when crying?

-      Red puffy eyes, wet cheeks, nose running = ugly crying    16. If the character had to live out the rest of their life either perpetually angry, sad, or frightened, which would they choose?

-      Maybe frightened since feeling angriness and sadness would drain life out of him.    17. Does this character tend to blame or punish others for their own emotions?

-      Never.    18. Is this character empathetic, and tends to be influenced by the emotions of others?

-      Strongly.    19. What is the strongest emotion they have felt?

-      Happiness        a. What event caused that?

-      After finding someone (his current bf) who tolerates him and wants to genuinely be together with him.        b. How would they react if that happened again?

-      There’s no need for second chance    20. If the character were to come face to face with their darkest fears in a nightmare, what would be the scene?

-      Losing all his loved ones at the same time. Seeing them dead in front of him

-      PHYSICAL PROFILE    1. Based on the current diet and exercise your character has, where do you see them physically in five years?

-      Healthy and well    2. How agile is this character? Can they dodge easily? Or are they clumsy?

-      Agile at the max, sometimes little clumsy cuz he’s doing first before thinking.    3. Describe the muscle content of your character. Are they untrained and soft? Or lithe and powerful?

-      Trained body, visible muscles but nothing too buffy.    4. What kind of body fat percentage do you suppose they have?

-      Normal    5. Do they have any scars? Where did those scars come from, and how did they get them?

-      Light scars on his knees and elbow because of doing stupid stunts as a kid.    6. Describe some hairstyles your character has had in the past.

-      He had blonde short hair with dark roots as a kiddo        a. How about the present? What's their hair like now? - Blonde mohawk styled hair

   7. What are their teeth like? Any cavities? Root canals? Does their dentition ever hurt?

-      Crystal white cuz of good dental care. He has slight buckteeth but not too visible    8. Do their arches ever fall? That's painful.    9. How much endurance do they have? Do they easily get tired during a workout?

-      He has excellent endurance, he could do anything all day    10. How easily can they bear pain?

-      Mostly well but stubbing his toe or having slide burn makes him tear up, the most painful things.    11. How long can this character sit still?        a. Do they shift a lot when sleeping? - Unfortunately yes if he isn’t tangled to his boyfriend.

-         12. What do their nails look like? Do they bite them?

-      Short, not biting them    13. How hairy is this character?        a. Arms?        b. Legs?        c. Underarms?        d. Eyebrows?        e. Everywhere else

-      He doesn’t shave although everyone thinks so cuz he’s babyfaced and chest is mostly free from hair    14. What is the most imperfect part of this character's body?

-      donno    15. Do they get cold easily?

-      No        a. How about overheated?

-      No        b. Seasick?

-      Sometimes        c. Do barometric changes in pressure affect them?

-      Some but not much    16. How do they react to getting an illness? Think about sore throats, achy bodies, headaches, stuffy noses, runny noses...

-      He loses his lively side when getting sick although he tries to ignore it. Even looks like he’s carried away and gets silent.    17. Is this character's body sensitive to touch?

-      From his feet, ticklish        a. Do they have any unusual erogenous zones? - When in sexual acts, his neck, esp. under jawline

-         18. How strong are this character's basic senses? Sight, hearing, touch, taste, smell.

-      All normal    19. If this character had to permanently lose one of their senses, which would they choose?

-      He doesn’t wish to lose anything but it will be taste most likely.

-             a. What if they could only have one sense, and had to lose the others?

-      Sight, he would keep that    20. Does this character have any unusual limbs or physical features?

-      Nu-huh PREFERENCES AND PEEVES    1. What's the state of your character's kitchen? What kind of foods do you find in it? Is it... clean?

-      Mostly healthy stuff, lots of CEREAL tho, it’s the best. He tries to keep it clean but for love of the god don’t let him use stove or oven.    2. If they could only eat one type of food for the rest of their life, what would they choose?

-      Healthy foodsies    3. What kind of clothing does this character like wearing and why?

-      Something comfortable like tank tops. Jeans too most of the time or shorts.    

-      4. How does this character feel about piercings?        a. Tattoos?        b. Dyed hair?        c. Revealing clothing?

-      He’s fine with all of those, would love to get tattoo someday.        5. What's something that turns this character on?

-      … His boyfriend in daily basis, anyway tbh. It can be something little and he’s all horny once again.        a. And what's a definite turn-off?

-      If his companion doesn’t enjoy their time.        b. Do they have any kinks?

-      Edging, boi howdy.    6. How does this character feel about animals?

-      He loves them althou he’s little afraid of dogs

a.Would they want any pets?

yes, he actually own white cockatoo Rico

b. What animals are their favorite?

Parrots.    7. What type of movie is this character most interested in watching?

Some fantasy movies like LotR and Hobbit    8. If this character could master a skill instantly, which would they choose?

He would love to sing properly lol    9. Are there any behaviors that other characters do that irk this character?

Being nasty to others ie. bullying.

       a. Does the character ever voice their annoyance?

Sometimes yeah but he keeps it mostly in.    10. Would this character rather create something or destroy something?

Create    11. What kind of comedy does this character prefer? Toilet humor, vulgar, slapstick, morbid, etc.

Vulgar    12. If they could stay at one age forever, which age would they choose and why?

23 forever young yey    13. If the character could only wear clothing of one color, which would they choose?

Light yellow

14. Describe the character's favorite possession. Where did they get it, and why are they so attached?

There’s no such a thing.

   15. What is the character's favorite weather?

Sunny and warm    16. Do they prefer sweet, salty, sour, meaty, spicy, or neutral tastes?

Sweet    17. Would they rather sleep in a cold room or a warm one?

Cold room cuz he can’t sleep in too warm rooms    18. Are there any hobbies this character absolutely hates and would never want to do?

Not really    19. What's the easiest way to annoy this character?

Slapping all the time that black +4 cards while playing uno or buying his most wanted streets in monopoly.    20. Are their interests and likes socially appropriate?

Yea ALL ABOUT HISTORY    1. Describe a scenario that has impacted your character and caused them extreme happiness.

There’s lots of those        a. Fear?

Sometimes his boyfriend’s suicidal thoughts gives him creeps, he gets extra worried leaving home (bc of work etc) when his boyfriend is in that state.b. 

Disappointment?

He doesn’t get easily disappointed        c. Depression?

There hasn’t been such a thing. yet.    2. What is the character's first memory?

Getting his first bicycle from his mama when he was kiddo    3. Has the character ever experienced deja vu? Do you happen to know why?

It’s possible

4. Sensations are powerful things, and often certain scents, sounds, touches, etc. can invoke memories strongly associated with them. Which have imprinted in your character's mind?

When he smells bakery, it brings his happy childhood back since his mom used to bake a lot.    5. How'd they get along with their parents and/or other relatives?

Very well    6. If your character had to choose one friend they've valued over all others, who would it be?

If he really haves to pick one, it’d be Lucas cuz they both are on same wave length.    7. What's the worst injury they've ever gotten?

There’s been many, can’t tell    8. How many places has this character lived in? What stands out most about those places to them?

Back in Canada where he was born and now he lives in Boston    9. If the character could erase one memory from their mind, what would it be?

Those embarrassing try ons to hit some girls on school years in front of everyone    10. What was the character's economic situation?

Pretty ok    11. What are the character's three clearest memories?

Good childhood, meeting his boyfriend and getting his cockatoo    12. If the character could go back and speak to a younger version of themself, what would they say?

Please don’t do that stupid stunt or mom will whoop your ass good.    13. If the character could go back and choose their sex at birth, what would they choose?

No need to change anything    14. Describe the character's love life throughout the years.

Hopeless romance as a teen, these days finally has someone who loves him back.    15. How did the family that raised this character influence them?

Only positively. He’s good kid.    16. If this character could "unmeet" someone in their life, who would they choose?

His boyfriends ex Dylan, honestly he’s the only one he hates genuinely.

17. If the character could choose different parents for themselves, who would they choose and why?

He wouldn’t    18. Does this character feel guilty about anything in the past?

Not really.

   19. If the character were asked to associate an adjective with different stages of their life, what would they choose and why?

Pretty wild    20. If the character could choose to have themselves born at a specific time period, which would they pick and why?

He would love to see dinosaurs live so you can guess lmao.