#but yeah just a reminder that if I ever put out resources that you feel are iffy or problematic and i don't catch it myself

[fakehelper]

anyway as I'm working on adding more gifs to my Quannah Chasinghorse pack, I realized that some of my gifs, while better than the original video, still wash her out a bit so I'll be editing them! And just in general, here's just a reminder that when you make mistakes, it's always better to own up to them and try to make things better rather than giving up.

[violentdelightsandviolentends]

Rest Had Seemed The Sweetest Thing.

Bucky's slowly learning that love isn't a finite resource. aka, Bucky's first Christmas.

pairing - bucky barnes x female reader

warnings - none!! just tooth rottingly sweet fluff <3

word count - 1.7k

author's note - based on these two requests!! i'm also trying a new post format... what do we think?? I promised you i'd get a couple of xmas fics out before the 25th... I lied. apologies!! forgive me. title taken from the poem The Owl by Edward Thomas.

as always, if you enjoyed, please reblog!! reblogs are the only way to circulate my fics. thanks, angels <3

masterlist. inbox.

He whispers the words, timid and reserved, directly into your ear as if he's worried someone else will hear. It's only the two of you sat on the couch in your shared apartment, but Bucky's nervous.

Your head whips around in shock, trying to play it cool. Failed.

"Are you... are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure."

You grin, big and blinding, the beams of it radiating into Bucky's bones. It settles into his muscles, eases the tension from his shoulders.

You try not to make a big deal of it, try to keep your excitement under wraps. But you've been waiting for him to say those words for almost six years.

"I want to do Christmas this year."

✵  ✵    ·　 ✵ 　　 *  · ✵

He hates the cold.

No, he's traumatised by the cold.

Years spent frozen, genetically modified and locked in a glorified freezer. Every gust of wind, every flake of snow reminds him of the darkest days with no light to be seen. His blood may run hot, but he feels like his heart is yet to thaw. He debates moving to the desert at least ten times a day.

Then he looks at you. How happy you are when winter comes around. The way your face lights up when it snows. And he figures that if it brings you this much joy... maybe he can tolerate it.

He bites back the chill, grits his teeth at the icy breeze, ignores the shudder of the cold all the way down to his bones. He grins and bears it, because you love it. He thinks you don't notice.

You do.

You've known ever since you met him. His demeanour changes when the winter comes around. He gets a little tentative around the autumn time, as if he's preparing himself for the worst. And then the first snow falls, and he's different. Guarded. Careful. Reluctant. He puts a fake smile on his face and pretends, but you're nothing if not completely in tune with everything Bucky Barnes.

You never asked, never pried. Just stood steadily by his side, regardless of the walls he'd placed around himself. Around his heart.

He broke down one night, wrapped up in bed with you. A chill had blown through your old apartments rickety windows and unearthed old memories, ice running into his veins. He was sure his tears were frozen as they dripped down his face.

You understood him better, since that day.

You've tried to suggest moving in subtle and not so subtle ways, but he won't have it. He knows this is your home. He knows you like it here. He knows he can stay, if he works a little harder on himself.

So, he tries. Every single day, he tries. And that's all that matters.

✵  ✵    ·　 ✵ 　　 *  · ✵

"Okay, so... ground rules. Hit me, Buck. We do this on your terms."

He thinks for a moment before turning to face you.

"I want it to be just us. No one else."

"Done."

"And I don't wanna do the whole Christmas dinner thing. Feels like too much all at once."

You fight the urge to burst into tears at how easily he's communicating with you, how effortlessly he's enforcing his boundaries. You've come a long way.

"Done. Agreed, by the way. Fuck Christmas dinner. We'll do our own thing."

He grins at you, leaning in to kiss you slowly, tenderly, leisurely. Like you have all the time in the world.

"I want to get a tree. And lights. We don't have to do all the ornaments and stuff, but lights would be nice."

"I have an artificial tree in the back of the storage closet... is that okay?"

"Perfect. I don't want to stand on all the pine needles, anyway."

Laughing, you shift closer to him, tangling your legs together on the couch.

"And no gifts for me."

"But Buck-"

"Angel. I don't want anything. I have everything I need sat next to me."

You roll your eyes, but you can't wipe the smile off your face.

"This isn't fair, suddenly."

"It's plenty fair. You stress too much when you buy gifts, and this is going to be a stress free Christmas. Understood?"

He hooks his fingers under your chin, forcing you to look at him.

"Understood," you whisper, swinging your knee over so you're straddling him. "Stress free."

Bucky tilts his head up to kiss you, gentle at first, then firmer when you roll your hips into his. He's a little distracted, admittedly. He got you to promise not to get him anything, but made sure you wouldn't ask the same. His mind runs a mile a minute, trying to wrack his brain on what kind of gift to get for the love of his life, the person that saved him and continues to save him every single day.

He comes up empty, but lets you kiss the thoughts away for a little while.

✵  ✵    ·　 ✵ 　　 *  · ✵

"My mom taught me this specific way to hang lights on your tree. Look, grab this end and I'll show you."

You're both still in your pyjamas, fire roaring, a jazzy Christmas melody playing from the radio. You decided you wouldn't put up your tree until the day before, to save Bucky from feeling overwhelmed. It's worked, so far - he looks plenty relaxed as he chuckles and rises from the armchair.

"You're tall, so hold this above your head so they don't tangle."

You work diligently, bottom lip pulled between your teeth as you concentrate. Bucky's happy to watch you, fighting the smile off his face every time you sigh in exasperation. Eventually, you step back and admire your masterpiece, satisfied and content.

"It's beautiful, baby," he whispers, wrapping his arms around you from behind.

He presses a kiss into your neck, then another, then another. Your eyes slip closed, and you sink into his embrace, feeling more at peace than you ever thought possible. You spend the evening by the fire, lying on the rug, room illuminated by the lights on the tree.

It's perfect in every way.

✵  ✵    ·　 ✵ 　　 *  · ✵

"Merry Christmas, angel."

"Merry Christmas, Buck."

His hand finds yours under the duvet, pulling you in close. You tangle yourself around him like lights on a tree, all encompassed by his warmth.

"What's the plan for today, Sergeant?"

He presses a kiss into your temple, propping himself up on his elbow so he can see you properly.

"I say we make some breakfast, spend all day on the couch, and then maybe make some dinner? I know we said we wouldn't do a traditional Christmas dinner, but it'd still be nice to take the time to cook something."

"That sounds perfect."

In the kitchen, you make pancakes with copious amounts of maple syrup, strawberries and pieces of banana strewn across your plates.

"My Mom made us pancakes every Christmas morning, you know."

"You've never told me that."

"I know. I kind of refrained from ever talking about anything festive, because I didn't want you to feel guilty."

"For making you miss out for so many years?"

"I haven't missed out, baby. I chose not to do Christmas because I love you. And that love takes precedent over everything else."

Bucky kisses you then, across the kitchen table, full and golden and so full of love you almost fall off your chair. He tastes like blueberry jam and syrup and coffee, and you wish you could bottle it up and stick a little under your tongue when you get homesick.

"What changed?"

"Hmm?"

"Why now? I would have been content to never do Christmas again, if it made you happy."

"Because I realised something, a couple of months ago. We were sat in the park, and you were laughing at that dog chasing the boomerang. The sun was making you glow, like some sort of angel, and I just knew. I can do anything with you by my side. I can't put my future on hold because of my past."

You're fighting back tears as you look at him, so happy and content. You never thought this was possible, when you first met him.

And here you are.

Celebrating Christmas, showing him your childhood traditions, making pancakes like your Mama used to. You're sat at the kitchen table as the snow falls outside and the warmth that Bucky's love brings is keeping the chill at bay.

It doesn't get better than this.

"I got you something," he murmurs almost sheepishly.

"Bucky-"

"Don't yell at me! I know it makes me a hypocrite, I know I said no gifts, I know."

You roll your eyes, but watch his every move as he gets up and leaves the room. You finish your breakfast and put both of your plates in the sink, turning on the tap so they can soak. When you turn around, Bucky has returned.

He's on one knee.

There's a ring between his fingers, glinting in the winter sun. You're both still in your pyjamas, warm and full, not quite having shaken off the heavy embrace of sleep just yet.

It's perfect.

"Maybe it's cliche to propose on Christmas day, but... I want to replace all of my old memories with new ones. Memories like this."

You walk over to him, kneeling down in front of him so your eyes are level.

"You've taught me what love is, baby. And I can never repay you for that. But I can certainly try. Every day, I can try."

There are tears dripping down both of your cheeks, Bucky's grin matching yours. The two of you are overwhelmed in the best way, unsure of how to process the gravity of what you're feeling.

"Marry me, baby. Let's do this forever."

You lunge forward and smash your lips to his, laughing into his mouth.

"Yes," you breathe when you pull away. "God, yes. A million times yes, Buck."

His arms wrap around your middle as he picks you up, twirling you in circles around the kitchen, both of you shrieking with joy.

Bucky slips the ring onto your finger when he puts you down, both of you tilting your heads to admire it.

"I love you," you murmur, leaning up to press your foreheads together. "The cold can't touch you now, baby. This love will warm us forever."

The cold can't touch him now. Love will warm him forever.

@lizzystuffsthings <3

[ihateapbiology]

One for the road

tw- kinda smut not really but kinda

You had just recently moved into the city, and your best friend phoebe invited you to come to some get together at her friend julien's apartment. you're tired and not realizing julien's been noticing you. when people begin to leave, you still haven't been picked up and julien sees you sitting on the couch.

“you're runnin' pretty low on your drink, d'ya want me to make you another one for the road?”

You perk up hearing the faint southern accent, a little reminder of the home you were missing, but also resenting all at the same time.

“Hey another southerner?” You ask.

She smirks “yep where you from?”

“Oklahoma” you respond “yeah I know most exciting state ever.”

“So you familiar with tornados and…” she laughs drawing a blank.

“Small town Oklahoma so I’m familiar with tornados and the Bible.” You laugh.

“Well we can cheers to that.” She laughs and she holds up her soda.

You start to relax more into the couch actually enjoying yourself now.

“So what brings you to NYC?” She says.

“School and so I came up for like undergrad right and then stayed for grad school.” You say.

“Wow cool so do you miss the south.” She asks.

You raise your eyebrows surprised but enjoying how she’s past the usual small talk. “Yes..and no… I miss you know being around what I know, and knowing everyone having that community feel but then I also enjoy being able to be lesbian and not you know have the local priest act like I killed someone.”

She gives you a sad smile “yeah it’s tough even when you have people who accept you, like my parents were accepting but it was still I guess lonely ya know. Not a lot of people out like you, resources.”

You nod “BUT you do know what I hate how people act like the south is like hell and every person from the south is like the worst person ever.”

You guys continue talking and talking “ughh I should probably go cause I’m gettin myself home and don’t wanna be walking home at 3am alone.”

She bites her lip “wellllll you could always stay the night with me.” She puts a handle on your thigh.

You grin enjoying her more blatant flirting “oh yeah? Would I be sleeping on the couch or…”

She starts to pull you up “yeah ain’t no way.”

You follow fast and the second she closes her bedroom door she pins you against the wall.

“Mmmm I’ve been wanting to kiss you all fucking night” she grins looking at your lips.

“Well do it.” You challenge.

Your lips collides, starting gentle and then soon becomes more passionate. You gently bite her lip testing the waters and when you hear her respond with a soft moan and continue.

A flurry of discarded clothes, pillows flying, and moans later.

You stare up at the ceiling like you saw God. You swear you can still feel her hands over your body, her tattooed hands..everywhere.

“Holy shit.” You utter

She just gently kisses your temple.

She gets up.

shit. You were just a hookup.

You at least thought she was gonna say something.

You gingerly grab your clothes and put them back on and head for the door.

“You trying to bolt baby?” She emerges from the bathroom with a washcloth and water.

“Wh-what oh I well okay I didn’t wanna like intrude you know cause you went to the bathroom.” You explain awkwardly.

She laughs “Honey…we just had sex …you ain’t intruding..”

“Well I mean I thought you left.”

“I’m just getting you stuff lay down I said you’re spending the night. You’re spending the night. I don’t just want a hookup from you.”

You blush and sit down back on the bed. Julien gently massages your shoulders and then cleans up your thighs.

Soon you’re fast asleep on her chest. She gently strokes your hair and gives your cheek a kiss.

[rose-garden-posts]

Retiring Is the Hardest Battle When You Have ADHD and Bloodlust Posted!

Hey everyone! I um well how do i say this? I posted the first chapter of the fanfiction I was talking about earlier. so um yeah link is below! Under the cut is the full fanfiction if you rather read it on tumblr.com >> Link to fic <<

Retiring Is the Hardest Battle When You Have ADHD and Bloodlust

Chapter 1: A Hidey-Hole is the Perfect Place to Start

Look, things weren’t supposed to happen this way, of course techno’s life never really went the way he planned, but this was completely out of left field. One moment he was building in the desert on the dream smp, the voices filtering in and out of his ears like comfy background noise.

He was minding his business!

Planning to head back to the cottage he called home, he was excited to get out of the sweltering heat and back into the cold when he felt…off.

Stepping into nether portals had never been pleasant, but this time was different. The usual nauseous swirl he usually felt when entering the nether was stronger and lasted a lot longer than normal. Chat was getting quieter too muffled by a high-pitched ringing in his ears before everything went dark. When he woke up glancing around disoriented at the world around him, the bright sunshine made his head spin, and the tall spruce forest was damp under his hands. He felt his heart sink in his chest when he looked around, not a single tree looked like it was from the server.  

Of course that brings us to the present moment with Technoblade hunched in a cave leather cap on his head holding a stone ax like his life depended on it. The voices had been quiet ever since he woke up, the sound of the cave deafening. Without their steady nonsense to keep him focused every little sound made him jump.

The little hidey-hole he made was serving him well, the furnace cooking some mutton over coals as he mined into the earth. After chipping away at a particular piece of stone the familiar sounds of a cave flooded his ears. Glancing down at the ravine he’d just dug into, Philza’s warning echoing in his ears about creepers falling on people's heads and exploding them instantly. He didn’t feel like he was in hardcore, his heartbeats didn’t feel measured like every beat was precious, so this place was probably normal survival…

At least he hoped the world was in normal survival, he was not mentally prepared to go onto a hardcore survival world.

For now, he’ll just not die, which is actually rather simple when you're technoblade. He didn’t know if anyone knew he was here, and it's practically impossible to get revived in a hardcore world without someone on the outside able to come help.

So he'll stick on the safe side, just in case.

Holding his pickaxe as a weapon he staircased down placing blocks above his head just in case. If he thought the outside was loud the ravine was a new type of torture. Skeletons' bones rattled and the tip-taps of creepers' feet echoed against the walls surrounding him.

As much as he complained about the chat and their constant jokes about him being mute and their obsession with the letter E, he really missed them right now. At least then he would be able to tune out their nonsense and he could actually focus on the world around him. Without them as a cushion, the world felt like a live wire shocking him every time he went to touch it.

The ravine was at least stacked, diamonds and iron glittering against the lava plenty that he could finally put some armor on.

Stripping the cave of its resources wasn't hard. He had a run in with an invisible spider that nearly pushed him into some lave while mining some gold. After killing the beast he turned giving chat a look of 'did you just see that' before remembering that they weren't there. 

Leaving the iron smelting he sat down resting against the stone. The cave felt too empty by himself, and it reminded him of Pogtopia which reminded him of Wilbur. Idly munching on some tough steak he thought about his "twin-brother", the madness wasn't something he really understood until too late. Looking back he really should have seen the signs sooner, he was just so happy to be in a battle again. It had been a while since he had actually spilt blood and chat was ready to watch him tear into people. He hadn't notice the muttering and the far away looks in wil's eyes. 

Tommy noticed. 

The thought makes him tear a chuck off his too tough steak extra hard. He should have listened to that annoying kid, he knew Wilbur better then techno did.

Doesn't matter now though, L'manburg blew up and Techno never seemed to really be accepted by its people anyway. After Tommy was exiled he thought he would understand him finally. He saw how that turned out though. Finishing up the steak he glanced at the ceiling, bats peering down from their lofty perch. Maybe this new world will be good, no stupid governments to worry about, no revenge plots to fulfill, no L'manburg sticking their nose in his business. He did say he wanted to retire before being pulled back in by Tommy and Dream. Maybe he could do that now?

Did he want to retire?

...

Did he even know how?

Getting up he moves quickly shoving the previous thoughts out of his head, he needed armor and a sword. _____

The heavy weight of iron on his skin felt comforting as he moved through the ravine, and the diamond sword in his hand did nicely at slicing through the bazar amount of zombies that seemed to live in the darkness. Freezing he suddenly became very interested in where the zombies where coming from. 

Moving where the sea of undead came from cut through them until moss cobblestone came into view. Smiling techno cut down the sea of undead that flooded out of the dungeon. Maybe if he was lucky he would get a potato. 

Dealing with the dungeon was easy enough, break the spawner and finish off the remaining zombies.

It was basically childs play after your first time, and it was definitely not technos first time. His diamond sword finished off the zombies in two hits and by that time the spawner was already absorbed into his xp bar.

With the undead dealt with it was finally time to loot the chest.

The first chest was a bust, some string spider's eyes and rotten flesh. Quickly he breaking down the chest and shoving it into his inventory to use later he discared the useless items into the corner. Maybe spiders eye could be useful if he wanted to make harming pots but that would take too long. He'd rather just kill people with a sword then spend the time making potions with the limited time he has.

The second chest however held the secret to his survival, sitting unsuspectingly in the bottom of the chest underneath bones and gunpowder was a single potato. Letting out an excited gasp he grabs it holding it up for the chat too see, waiting for the flood of excitement they usually got from seeing a potato in his hand. After a second of silence he quickly stashed the potato away in his inventory. Feeling a pang of loneliness at the absence, of yelling in his ears.

Quickly he cleared the chest, the sudden desire to leave drowning him.

Its just a stupid potato anyway he could raid a village if he really needed to.

Climbing the steps back up to his hidey-hole he smiled looking at the guardless steps, the sight reminding him of Pogtopia.

Then he remembered Pogtopia and turned back to the alcove leaving the dust and past swirling behind him. He's not Wilbur or Tubbo he didn't need guard rails to keep him from falling. 

Placing the chest he stole from the dungeon on the ground he quickly sorted everything into their proper places leaving left over rotten flesh and some spider eyes behind. He needed to make sure to travel semi-light in case he found anything else while exploring.

He made a note to look for sugar cane and kill cows as he had enough obsidian for an enchanter. It would be better to have enchanted gear in case he runs into people who don’t like the fact that he's in their world.

The thought makes him smile, if chat was here they’d get into a frenzy over the idea of blood being spilled. Of course, first, he would try and talk peace and figure out where he was… but most people don’t like talking peace first.

Most people draw weapons before they even think to speak.

That's fine with him though, he liked fights especially when the opponent is underestimating him. With that thought, he closes the chest now filled with worthless items left for the dust to take over.

Hiking his diamond pickaxe over his shoulder he broke the stone sealing up his little hidey-hole and wincing at the bright mid-morning light streamed in. Instantly the sounds of chickens and wolves filled his ears, invading the cave with the bright sunlight.

“Welp- might as well get a move on” He muttered after a second.

Calming himself down he dug the rest of the way out looking at the bright world in front of him.

The loud sounds of nature waking up echoing all around him. Taking a deep breath, he took a step out into the sunbeams, the warmth sinking into his bones. He stood for a second basking in the sun before letting out a deep sigh. He now had a clear goal in mind as he started walking through the spruce forest.

First things first figure out where he is.

[adore-mimy]

Hey guys. I finally have this written part of Floyd’s introduction plus a bit of part 1 of his story

Warning for cussing.

———————————————————————————————————

I saw my brother, much older than I thought but it’s like that when you haven’t seen him in 20 years. I want to hug him. I want to hug him so bad. Branch…but I know I don’t deserve to. Branch stood there, facing me, his stunned look slowly shifting into anger. He dropped my mask and got up and walked away from me.

I saw the pink troll walk towards Branch. It looks to me that she knew he was angry cause she put her hand on his shoulder. I assume that they were close. I got my mask and got up off the ground only to groan in pain because of that damn kick to the gut the pink troll gave me earlier.

John walks to me surprised. I didn’t want to talk to him right now. Not ever actually but a conversation started up anyway. “How are you here?! I thought you trapped in a diamond prison?!” John said. “Diamond prison ?!” Branch and the pink troll said in unison. Shit I’m in for it now. “I escaped.” Quick response.

“How” John continued

“I…broke it.” I replied

“How did you break it without the perfect family harmony?” John continues his questioning

“I don’t remember…” I responded, hesitantly.

I really don’t remember how it happened. I just escaped from Velvet and Veneer and was just walking in a diamond for weeks and then a moment after that, I was out of the diamond an it was broken into pieces on the ground. That’s it. At least that’s how I remember it. I used those pieces for my weapons. Damn, my weapons, that’s what I forgot. How could I forget something like that and I’m traveling in the forest full of shadow monsters?

“Floyd!” I heard John yell. I didn’t realize how deep in thought I’ve gotten. I looked at him, with a slight annoyance because I came here to get resources not to chit-chat. “What?” I asked.

“Did you feel different after you broke out the diamond?” John asked

“What?” I asked, looking at John like he was stupid. I Mean how else would I feel after breaking out of something and not remembering how? Happy?

“Just answer!” John said.

It took me a moment but I finally remembered seeing my hand but it was more bigger and furry. “Yes, I guess I did feel a bit strange…”. There was silence for the moment then I looked at him again. “Why did you you ask me that?” I asked, now getting suspicious.

“Cause I know how you ‘broke’ out the diamond.” John responded, itching his head. He’s hiding something.

“What do you mean ‘you know’”? I asked, sternly this time.

John continues to itch his head and looked away. “I don’t really know how to explain it..”

I wasn’t in the mood to question him more. I looked at Branch and the pink troll that was with him. “How you’ve been doing Branch?” I asked. I wasn’t expecting an answer.

“Tch, I don’t know…you tell me.” Branch glared at me with piercing blue eyes. “Oh yeah, I forgot, you can’t, can you?”

I should say I wasn’t expecting a ‘nice’ answer. I hate the sarcasm. It reminds me of myself and….dad. Dirty old man.

I sighed. “Look, you’re mad at me and I understand that. I’m mad at myself for leaving too. I should’ve known better than to leave you by yourself with…grandma.” I hesitated towards the end.

Branch’s glare turned confused. “Why did you hesitate saying ‘grandma’?” He asked.

Do I really want to tell him this? That I’ve saw what happened to Grandma and thought he was dead all these years? My head hurts thinking about this.

“Hello?” Branch spoke again. “What’s wrong with you? You never spaced out this much before.”

He’s right I haven’t been doing that a lot. “I’m just trying to find an answer to your question.” I responded. That was a lie. I didn’t want to find an answer to his question.

Branch sighed roughly. He was getting annoyed with me. “I don’t want to know anymore.” He said turning and walked away from me.

I shook my head. That wasn’t a great start of the band getting back together. What a letdown. The pink troll however, walked up to me and greeted me with a smile.

“Hi, I’m poppy, Branch’s girlfriend. I’m sorry for kicking your side before.” She said. Poppy? As in Queen poppy?

“You don’t happen to be the Queen of pop, are you?” I asked

“Oh yeah! I’m the queen of pop! But I not much for titles! Poppy is just fine!” She responded.

Holy shit. My brother is dating THE Queen poppy? I wasn’t there to see it happen… damn my fourteen year old heart for wanting a solo career.

“It’s such an honor to meet you.” I said. I was unsure if I should bow down or not.

“It’s fine!” Poppy said. She started looking ate my stapled stomach. This is gonna be fun to explain.

Earlier…..

“Ugh! This is pointless! We need all the brozone members, Veneer! You only got one!” The mount Rageon known as Velvet said. I can’t believe I’m captured once again. And by teenagers at that. I thought Bergens were the worst things ever. These teens are the death of me. Literally. “I know! I know! This one was the closest that I could get Vels! He was lonely looking.” The other mount Rageon know as Veneer spoke. They were arguing again for about the fourth time about them only having me. It’s giving me a headache. “Why are you guys doing this?! I know you’re upset for not having strong singing vocals at the moment but that’s all what practice is for!” I spoke, really hoping they would get my point. “Oh hush up troll! You don’t know what it’s like not having a talented singing voice!” Velvet spoke again.

“You’re right, I don’t know what it’s like, but I do know how to help you in getting to that point.” I said, leaning against the diamond I was caged in. Velvet looked down on me and scoffed. “ Like Hell, I would let a troll teach me how to sing. Please!” She laughs. Veneer looks at me softly for a moment until Velvet shoves him a bit. “I hope you’re not letting this troll get to you, right ?” She asked. Veneer backed away from the diamond and shook his head rapidly,

“Of course not! Why would I want to consider that obviously stupid idea?” Veneer spoke.

“Good! For a second there I thought you were. Besides why practice when we can take the easy way?” Velvet spoke happily.

“Easy way?” I repeated

Noticing my confusion, Velvet had picked up my diamond cage and started to spray herself. I started to feel pain in every ounce of my body. I groaned in agony as I fell to the side of the diamond. Almost passed out, I all of sudden heard a beautiful and powerful singing vocal come from Velvet. Right…how could I forget

“See? Easy!” She said, singing that last part of her short sentence. “I feel better already! Your turn?” Velvet pointed me towards Veneer. Veneer hesitated. “I’ll probably wait till the show. That way I’ll be ready as I go on! Since we only have this one troll.” He said.

“yeah, if this troll could just spit out the information on where his other brothers are!” Velvet said.

“I already told you, I don’t know! I haven’t seen them since we broke the band up…” I spoke. Now I’m thinking of something that I didn’t want to remember. Now all I can see was the sadness on Branch’s face when I left him. I looked at my faded hands and feet. I’m starting to think this being captured thing is something that I deserve.

“Ugh, whatever. Since the first encounter with, when Veneer caught you the first time and you played dead, we’re really gonna keep an eye on you now!” Velvet spoke.

“Great.” I said sarcastically. Hold on…they’ll keep a closer eye on me? That means they’ll check on me a lot.

I have an Idea.

———————————————————————————————————

Hope you enjoyed the reading (it’s been while since I written this much so hope you enjoyed it and I hope I didn’t have many spelling errors 😭)

[lemonlyman-dotcom]

#4 and #5 for the Beck fic. Please!

Thanks Lim!! Beck fic!

4: What’s your favorite line of dialogue?

I have two and they swing from wildly different sides of the emotional pendulum 😂

The first is the Strand-Morgan family dialogue in the scene where they’re all dancing in the kitchen.

“Gwyn, I didn’t realize you were such a Beck fan,” Carlos says from his seat behind the counter.

“Oh, honey, where do you think TK gets his exquisite music taste from?” She says with a sly raise of her eyebrow. “Certainly not from his father.”

“I heard that,” comes a voice from the hallway. Captain Strand shuffles into the kitchen shortly after with Buttercup hot on his heels. “Just because I’m not hip to this bohemian hipster nonsense doesn’t mean I’m not a bit of a music buff myself.”

“Oh yeah, Dad?”

“Yeah, I listen to all the music: Steely and Dan!”

The second is Tarlos where TK is trying to explain to Carlos why Lonesome Tears is important to him, and also that his addiction and mental health might not always be under control or stable, and he’s kind of giving Carlos an out.

After a few moments of quiet he tilts his head and says, “This is the song that was playing when I decided I didn’t want to kill myself.”

Carlos feels himself take a sharp breath. He’d known TK had been depressed, had thought himself too broken to deserve any kind of future. But this is the first time TK has admitted to actually wanting to harm himself.

“You mean in rehab?”

“No,” TK says, averting his eyes before visibly steeling himself and remaking eye contact.

“After the overdose?”

“Yeah,” he says, biting his lip again to stop it from quivering.

“Baby,” Carlos says, feeling lost for words in his want to comfort TK. He squeezes TK’s knee before moving his hand up to card through his hair. Anything to bring him a tiny bit of comfort.

“Carlos it’s,” TK stutters, “it’s okay now. I don’t feel that way now. But it’s always gonna be there. I might feel that way again.” He stops and bites his lip, runs a hand across his eyes. “I have a better support system now. I have Marj and Nance, I have you. I have resources. But that doesn’t mean it won’t ever get that bad again.”

Carlos nods, rubbing the back of TK’s head but not attempting to interrupt.

“I don’t expect you to wanna stick around, to want to deal with that.”

“Baby,” Carlos says quietly, fighting to keep his voice even, “what do you mean?”

“I know—” TK sniffs, running a sleeve-covered hand over his face, “I know I’m not easy.”

“I don’t need you to be easy, TK,” he puts a hand under TK’s chin to tilt his head up. Needs to be sure he hears this. “Hey, look at me.” When TK lifts his eyes slightly to make eye contact he continues. “I just need you to be alive. Okay, baby? Whatever you need.”

After a moment of searching each other’s eyes TK must find what he’s looking for. He nods and clears his throat before quietly saying, “I think I just need you to hold me.”

“I can do that.”

5: What part was hardest to write?

The hardest part for me to write was probably [SPOILER ALERT] the break-up section. I didn’t want it to be cliche, and I wanted to make sure I chose a song that wasn’t actually a love song. The song I chose was Girl, which, if you listen to it, has such a fun, catchy melody but the lyrics are pretty twisted. I did a lot of research into all of the songs I chose, and for this one Beck said it originally was a cute love song but he felt like with the upbeat catchy music he wanted more dichotomy so he chose to rewrite it. I chose it for that reason, because it’s not like a typical love song or something that should really remind Carlos of TK. Except the chorus is just so TK “Hey, my sun-eyed girl!” Then comes my next dilemma: I chose to have Carlos change the lyrics to my sun-eyed boy when singing it to TK. I was worried that might be cheesy. But it also felt like them, you know? So I kept it in, which I think really adds a layer of realism to the story and a lot of readers have said that specific section and line has really been emotionally powerful for them. Which is exactly what you want as a writer!

I think overall, I wanted to be really intentional with the songs and lyrics I was using. I didn’t want it to be a music/lyric fic. I wanted the lyrics to add to the story I was trying to tell, which I think I accomplished. And then I wanted to really portray what Beck means to me through this Tarlos love story. He’s such an enduring artist, he’s mastered so many genres of music, mentored so many young musicians from all over the genre spectrum, his lyrics range from Willy Wonka level weird to so poignantly introspective, especially on albums like Sea Change. And his live shows are so cool, like he puts on an amazing music show but he always steps up his game with interesting visuals and stage setups. So I spent an excruciating amount of time on the scene where they go to the Beck show, because I really wanted to portray what it feels like to be in the crowd at a Beck show.

I’m really proud of this story, I put a lot of work into it and it was a stretch for me as a writer in a lot of ways. So thank you for asking about it!

Send me an ask about one of my fics!

[boysareouttonight]

lately ive been seeing some ppl on sunny tumblr/twitter spreading the agenda of ryan reynolds dating mac n dee n also dennis banging him and it reminds me of this fic idea i had for a while but i dont think i'm ever gonna make it so i might as well just say it

dee brags about having a date with this really hot guy who's at the bar n mac immediately feels smth between them the guy starts making eye contact and he just knows there's smth there so later he comes up to dennis n asks him for help to steal him from dee. he wants him to help sabotage their date thats happening tomorrow n dennis says yes bc he doesnt care if mac wants to bang ppl, dennis does it himself n he knows it doesnt mean anything plus pissing off dee is a bonus. so the next day he goes to dee's apartment pretending he wanted to hang out, puts some laxative in her drink n she obviously doesnt go to the date. ryan reynolds goes to the bar to meet dee n surprise whos there? mac. so they go out n dennis is "fine" with it. until he notices for weeks how mac is always with his phone n won't stop smiling n not coming home until the next morning so dennis asks him whats this all about n mac tells him "remember that guy dee had a date with but he was obviously more attracted to me? so we've been seeing each other all this time n i think we're going steady. i think i might actually like this guy" dennis is shaking n almost throwing up n then mac says "i wanted to thank you bc if u hadn't helped me sabotage their date we wouldn't be together so yeah thanks dude". then dennis has his kendall roy breakdown in the bathroom. then he does everything in his power to break them up he inserts himself in their dates he takes macs phone to delete their texts making them miscommunicate n mac is pretty oblivious about it but his bf isn't n dennis feels he kinda asked mac to distance himself a little from dennis and now hes going insane he has no resources anymore. so he does the only thing he can think of: hits on ryan reynolds who ends up being a cheater n they fuck. dennis tells mac like it was the most natural thing in the world saying he got suspicious about him being a cheater n just wanted to check, hoping mac will accept it, breakup w him, move on n everything would go back to normal. but he doesnt. he gets rlly upset n goes "what the fuck is wrong with u??? u're not even attracted to men n u banged him just to ruin my first long term relationship" he obviously wouldn't put 2+2 together that dennis wasn't straight n not even cross his mind that he might be jealous. dennis tells him he did him a favor that he was looking out for him and says "now that i clarified everything will u just breakup n we all move on from this? bc its starting to annoy me". but for dennis' surprise mac doesnt let it go n gets to the conclusion that dennis wanted to break them up just bc he wasnt a priority in macs life anymore n wasnt doing stuff for him like he used to n that he couldnt control mac anymore. he gets rlly hurt about this but deep down also bc dennis had gay sex and it wasn't with him. dennis wants to tell him the truth that he was just jealous bc he loved him n it was supposed to be him dating mac not ryan, that no one could understand mac better than he did n that everything was so clear to him now but he doesn't. he doesnt say anything n just lets mac think that bc he doesnt have the guts, bc its easier to let mac hate him. mac walks out the door and now the cliffhanger n angst is settled. dennis has to do the ultimate big romantic gesture to get him back

[dulcewrites]

Give A Little Help

This is the first installment of work in fmo k&q universe. Mainly Cassandra and Aemond as they navigate being king and queen. What that means for their relationship (trying for a spare), and their kids. If there is anything in specific y’all want me to write let me know. I do want to tweak I see the dance going in this universe, but I’ll have to think about certain outcomes. I also do want certain people still alive… idk who yet tho. If y’all have suggestions let me know.

Also I was inspired by this song while writing this.

When she was younger, Cassandra’s parents would make her play a game. At least, young her rationalized it as a game. She would come to their room, and they would inspect her dress. She always thought it was them making sure they got their coins worth. That the expensive myrish gowns were exactly how Cassandra wanted them.

But then the dress inspections concluded with the stick. The stick they would make her wear under her dress for posture. The first couple of times she cried at the way the wood dug into her back, but then it became a dull ache. A welcome jolt of pain.

Even when the stick was taken away, the rigidness of her spine stayed.

It was no longer a game the moment her parents shipped her off the court. It sure stopped being one the moment she wrote home about how happy she was about how kind Princess Helaena had been to her.

Lamb, I hope you are interacting with the princes as well. That is of the upmost importance.

It was never game. At least not one she ever wanted to play.

Her parents are gone, but the stiffness instilled lives on. Everyone else is gone, and the game plays on. It live out all around her.

“There is another dispute in the Stepstones.”

There are sighs across table in the council chamber. Cassandra’s eyes stay placed on the small ball in front of her. Fingers rolling it around softly.

“I suppose that we send men of our own to set up fortifiers in the stead,” Hugo pipes up.

Cassandra can’t help the mirth filled scoff that leaves her lips. She tries to play nice with her husband’s hand but it is to no veil. There is something she just does not like about him, and she is sure the feelings are mutual.

“Is something wrong, my queen?”

Yes, you.

She turns her attention to Aemond instead.

“Is involving ourselves in this truly what is needed in this situation? Putting lives at risk, and spending our coffers for what? Let them tear each other apart. The Triarchy always manages to fight then find each other again.”

“This affects trade in the Narrow Sea, and it also involves principality in Dorne,” Hugo rebuts to Aemond as well.

“Then we find other routes trade from till this is finished. Unless you have any idea where we would get the resources to involve ourselves. And Dorne? Really? Is this the way to usher them into the realm since everyone is so deseperate to do so; being on the opposite sides of a war… again,” she frowns at Hugo. “Because that has worked so well for Targaryens in the past.”

“Cassandra…”

She looks at Aemond, in slight disbelief.

“Let’s call it,” he sighs. “I will think about our options.”

“Your grace, I - ,” Hugo tries to start.

“I said, I will think about the options. Alone.”

Everyone gets up from the table except for Cassandra.

“Remind me why I have to be at these meetings again?”

“Cass, come on.”

“No seriously, remind why must I come if every time I open my mouth, I will get undermined.”

“You’re here because I want you in my coucil and I value your opinion, but y- ,”

“But what Aemond, but what?”

“You always start with him.”

“Ah, there it is. I’m so sorry that I am intruding on your marriage to Hugo.”

Aemond groans, sitting back in his chair. “The time I checked, you were all for the Northern inclusion. Creating bonds and whatnot.”

“Yeah, that before I found out he was a cunt,” Aemond opens his mouth, and Cassandra holds her finger up to stop him. “And before he so crassly, not so subtly tried to marry my young son off to someone up North.”

“Our son, and that was a joke.”

“Well, I did not laugh.”

“You don’t laugh at much anyway.”

Pushing herself away table, Cassandra gets up in a huff. He’s really not as funny as he thinks he is.

“Oh, don’t be like that.”

Cassandra doesn’t answer him, swatting his hand away when he tries to reach for her. Brushing her dress off, she makes her way towards the door.

“My queen.”

She stops just short and turns with a glare.

“What.”

“It is the fourth day of the week,” and for a moment she swears spots some warmth in his tone.

All Cassandra can do is nod. That is her job now; broodmare in a pretty dress.

That is of the upmost importance.

"And I switched over to sheep, and I think she likes it."

Cassandra tries to fight back a grimace watching Gaelithox chew violently on the raw meat. She is a lovely dragon, in all actuality. Smooth dark blue scales with the scattering of gold and silver streaks and dots on her wings; much like the night sky. Fitting of her name. But her beauty did little to appease Cassandra while in the dragon pit.

The only saving grace of Alaric's dragon at the moment was her size. Though grows by the day, her size is nothing compared to other dragons in the family.

"No need to worry, Gael likes you," he beams at her.

The only thing standing in between her being just like the sheep is her son, and she is quite sure of that.

"Maester Godwin told me you left your lessons early today."

Alaric's mouth scrunches up in a way that is entirely like his father. Haughty and annoyed.

"It is boring, and Maester Godwin smells funny."

"Gaelithox smells funny," Cassandra leads him out of the dragon pit once one of the dragon keepers takes over. Alaric looks horribly offended by the statement. "And you like her quite fine.”

"She does not....and if she did, she is allowed to. She is a dragon."

"My love, I just think it would do you some good to listen to Maester Godwin. He came all the way from Oldtown to teach you."

She must keep her tone even as possible. No point in pushing the situation. Pushing only leads to resentment, which is the last thing she wants. But Alaric always had loved his books and learning, it was surprising how adverse he was to the maesters lately.

"It is important that you are well versed in the history of Seven Kingdoms. From top to bottom. It will help you for the future."

"I do not understand why Daella can't just do it," he mutters it so quietly Cassandra almost misses it.

"Daella does have lessons. Hers are just different than yours."

"No, why can't she do the whole thing. She is older than me anyway."

Oh.

She makes them stop walking and pulls him into a corner. She doesn't even have to squat like she used to the speaker to her son. Much like his dragon, he grows by the day, and frankly it hurts her heart a bit. Grabbing his shoulder to make him to facing her, she sighs.

"You are your father's heir. Daella understands that. That is the way of things."

"I am not like him," he frowns.

"Like who?"

"Like father," that will be a relief in the long run.

Cassandra knows how much Alaric reveres Aemond. It is always on the tip of her tongue, the truth of it all. But she knows what it is like realizing your parents are not perfect; it feels like losing a God. Becoming unholy in a sense. There’s no use in ruining a perfectly good bond between father and son, not when these have changed.

"You are not your father, nor will you ever have to be. When the time comes, which is far away, you will forge your own path. The way all kings must."

She pulls him into a hug, kissing the top of his head. He still smells as lovely as he did as a baby. Fresh like lavender. "And on the bright side is, as king, if you want to make l Maester Goodwin smell to your liking you can."

Alaric squeezes her waist. "If he makes it till then."

With a bark of laugher, she pulls away.

"Alright, let's go see if Daella has annoyed Septa Melara into submission today."

The night before her wedding, Cassandra’s mother made instructions for one’s wedding night miserably clear.

“He will get on top of you and rut and rut in you,” Vera had drawn detailed pictures. Various positions as well. “Best think of something more pleasant. Like pretty dresses. Maybe bunnies or something.”

And when asked how many times she would have to endure such things, Vera gave a simple answer.

“As many times as your husband wants.”

Cassandra had shaken like a bird the moment Aemond started to fiddle with his belt. But both knew that they it had to be done.

It was their duty.

Things became better in department slowly but surely. Her mother’s insights only made Cass wonder what goes on between her parents, as crude as that sounds.

Then, of course everything went to shit, and it became easier to close in on herself. The few desires she did have extinguished quickly knowing Aemond wanted to receive that… comfort elsewhere. It was hard not to assume it was something wrong with her.

Her body almost becoming an empty vessel of some sorts. Now it must become a vessel for another royal baby.

A blessing. A privilege for you, she is sure her mother would say.

So, the fourth night of every week becomes a routine of some sorts. Right down the disgusting herbal remedy one of the septas offered to her. For fertility apparently. It does not help that she has Hugo sniffing around. Asking if things were going ‘well’ on assuring Aemond’s line.

Not hers. Not theirs. His.

Her voice is not apprieciated in the council room, but her womb is vital.

There is small relief in the fact Aemond, despite how he is like someone Cass has never met before and makes her emotions flare in a way she hates, is still a man. It takes little to rile him up these days. A flash of skin, the silk and lace of the Myrish night gown, the touch of his thigh. Complicated Aemond is simple and to the point on these nights. At times, if she forgets about the catalyst long enough, it is welcomed change.

But when Aemond arrives, he sits on the bed with a sigh. He does not take off his clothes, does not climb on top of her; he just sits with a shy look on his face.

“Do you want me on my stomach instead.”

She begins to turn but Aemond stops her.

“I hoped we could just talk for a moment.”

Cassandra blinks blankly.

“About what, Aemond?”

He shrugs. “About anything.”

Most of their conversation dissolve into tense silence or one of them just leaving the room. Cassandra gets up from the bed and over to the desk in the room.

“Do you want something to drink,” she sighs. “We will need it.”

She whispers the last part to herself. She doesn’t wait for Aemond’s answer, just pours him a goblet of wine. There is nothing she wants to speak Aemond about.

“I think one of my knights has fathered a child.”

Fuck. He knows what gossip does to her. She keeps her mouth closed as she sips on her wine slowly.

“With a married lady in court.”

When it feels like she may burst from not speaking, she shakes her head. “You’re lying,” she accuses lowly.

“Have you never noticed how much little Thomas Broom looks like Ser Peter?”

Cassandra thinks for a second before gasping. “The eyes!”

Aemond nods.

“I suppose that makes sense,” she takes a sip. “Lady Broom has been much nicer lately. And glowing. I thought it was first time mother bliss, but no it’s getting fucked. Lord Broom is twice her age as well as mean and surly. I remember when her parents married her off to that old bat.”

“He is also a proud old man. Gods forbid, he finally puts down the mulled wine and sees the obvious.”

“And here I thought you’d appreciate that sort of thing.”

As soon as it leaves her mouth, Cassandra’s whole body tenses as she grimaces. Aemond’s disposition deflates instantly. That was another way their conversations ended; a cruel slip of the tongue from one to another.

She wants to apologize for derailing what seemed to be a promising moment, but she is also so sick of feeling like she must tip toe around the thing that got them here in the first place. Tittering a thin line between desperately trying to move forward and not wanting him to forget this was his fault in the first place.

Awkwardly, Cassandra clears her throat to change the subject. “One the stable boys left flowers for Daella.”

“What?”

Cassandra laughs at his disgusted face.

“Hmm, the one that takes care of her horse. Gave them to her the last time she saw Moon.”

“And why was I not made aware of this earlier?”

“Because you would have the boys shipped off somewhere.”

“Boys!?”

“Your daughter is beautiful inside and out, she was bound to turn heads,” Cassandra would like take the credit for it, noting the resemblance. But she is sure Daella will grow up to be far prettier and more effervescent than she could dream of. “But you know Daella, she pays little mind to it.”

Daella is almost infuriating independent in the way she moves in the world. It is nothing like Cassandra seen from a girl that age. She has not figured out if that is an unfortunate outcome of everything that has happened, or if it is the innate thing that most Targaryens seem to be born with.

The rest of the time divulges into a hodgepodge of court gossip to politicking.

“That’s a dragon rider’s flaw, you think you are invisible. Then before you know it, you have an arrow through your dragon. There are better ways to negotiate besides fear.”

It is not until one of the oil lamps begins to flicker out, that Cassandra realizes how late it is. She is tucked into her bed, Aemond’s eyepatch is somewhere in the room, and his hair is out the braid it had been in all day. He gingerly starts to get off the bed.

“I can’t drink like I used to,” he groans.

She watches him start to go to door. Something dances on her tongue and burn her throat.

“Aemond,” he turns with a tired look in his eye. “You can sleep here… if you want. It has been a long day.”

She had never allowed him to stay her room unless it was after their business had been taken care of, even then he normally opted to just leave afterwards. Avoiding strife that may come.

He doesn’t give a verbal agreement. Instead, he kicks off the shoes he just put on, and begind to take certain things off to get more acclimated.

“Stay on your side of the bed and do not put your cold feet near me,” she reprimands him as she blows out the candles near her. She watches as he digs the gem in his eye socket out. For the life of her, she still cannot figure why he continues to do it. She has a theory he enjoys the grandiose, dramatic macabre nature of it as he does the slight uncomfortableness.

The room is almost pitch black except for the fireplace beginning to dwindle and the moonlight peaking through the curtains.

“You will have to fuck me in the morning since did not tonight.” Cassandra wants the bed to swallow her whole realizing how that sounds. Not as assertively distant as she’d like. “Because the sooner I become with child, the quicker we can stop this, of course.”

“Right, of course,” her embarrassment only grows hearing the mirth in his tone. “Goodnight, Cass.”

She turns onto her side, biting her lip.

It really doesn’t matter where I stand with him. I’m going to be fucked in the head regardless.

“Goodnight Aemond.”

[puppyboibutch]

A reminder that sometimes even if I don’t have a specific kink I’ll post something about it because I like to share resources about safety and ethics. Not every person involved in kink always understands the risk involved or how things CAN turn if their partner is abusive and hides behind kink to disguise it. Like yeah, that’s not the majority of the community but in the past I and several of my acquaintances have experienced it, and none of us want anyone to ever feel that way and not speak up.

It’s not an act of love or affection anymore if you legit don’t want it. And I’m not here to dissuade anyone from trying something new that can really be beautiful if both and/or all parties are willing to put in the effort to communicate and make it a good experience, but I am saying that I want everyone to stay aware and stay safe. Abusive and toxic fake doms are out there, and so are really manipulative and toxic fake subs. But the most wonderful people you’ll ever meet are out there too. And I’d like to remind you that one or two outliers and assholes don’t speak for all of us.

So remember, resources are available (I previously reblogged someone’s updated library full of resources) and just stay aware and have fun, okay? Be safe out there.

Much love,

Butch

[armedjoy]

a long and (later on) personal post about my engagement and future on this site beneath the cut

to start, some observations about my time here:

disco elysium holds the record for the first fandom im truly engaging with. i check the tags, read the 'spinoff' fiction, its fun. one could say our ideological milieus here are themselves a fandom, but in terms of something thats strictly media, this is it. going on 11 years here and thats what broke the streak, its that fucking good.

i regret deleting my sideblog 'information-nexus' back in '15. it was an organized and well-tagged news, theory, "how-to", and resource blog, but it was taking way too much of my time. i was attempting to make a whole ass virtual library on tumblr, which is far too ambitious for one person, especially considering that it would never pay bills. i shouldve opened it up to some friends to co-mod it and dialed back my involvement. oh well

i regret less the deletion of 'film-space' in '14. posts were just the movie poster with a brief summary of the plot and then a quick review. i came up with my own system that reworked the 4 star ratings into how id recommend based on genre preferences. film reviews in print seem to belabor the point and online reviews seem to lean too heavily on arbitrarily defined scoring. the point should be to either encourage or dissuade readers from seeing it, not remind them you're the wittiest person in the room or that you've atomized the medium into an exploded diagram, and i held to that. it forced me to watch movies more critically wrt to both the art form and the politics it portrayed. but i took an extended break from the site and lost momentum. it just seemed... pointless

ive been pretty bad with managing every inbox/ chat ive ever had - except this one, the personal blog. i tell myself "i'll get around to answering that" and thats been a lie most of the time. the vast majority of my time here is spent reading things that cross my dash, so getting a question on a completely different subject seems to exceed my bandwidth. i genuinely enjoy most of my interactions here but im simply not in the correct mindset most days. that said, most of the mail 'left-reminders' has gotten just feels like im being asked to do an undergrads homework.

i havent posted my face in, what, 8 years? which i might change. i mean im already fucked - ive posted some wild shit before [REDACTED] was a meme, and my face is already linked to this blog & backed up somewhere at fort meade. whats another hole in an already sunk ship, yeah?

funnily enough, i originally joined to post my photography & short stories. look how that turned out lmao

why am i posting this? ive been seriously evaluating my continued presence here. for some time ive had a desire to leave, which up to this point has been greatly outweighed by the reasons to stay. there are other platforms that are bigger, faster, algorithmically supercharged to provide every niche interest you allow it to know... but im still not as invested as i am here. tumblr's appeal is equal parts utilitarian and sentimental - no other platform has been this educational, informing, and entertaining. this place really is the internets bleeding edge for both humor and anarchist/ communist discourse. and for more personal reasons, i have greatly valued sharing this little corner of the internet with you all. i have enjoyed sharing each of your interests and discussions, witnessing your personal developments. know that this random guy on the internet is & always has been rooting for you.

ive had some serious rough patches over the last decade, and ive used this site as a grounding rod as much as a resource and social outlet. but my friend group is vast now, im living healthier, and im making positive changes. for the first in a very long time, i am truly feeling better, finally moving beyond 'managing' into 'growing.' and more than anything, i need to grow creatively.

simply put, writing fiction is the calling of my heart. and if im to commit to it, i cannot divide my attention. beyond being my sole committed creative outlet, it helps me manage daily life. writing feels like gardening: in the structure it builds to do it right, the determination it requires to continue when i fail, and the joy it inspires when i create. when an idea settles in and i can piece it together while going about my day, only sitting down to write when i know most of it. the emotion i experience after unwinding something that has rooted itself around my mind is tremendous and complicated - it feels like an exorcism, of sorts. the feverishness that seizes me to get it all down before it slips away, the relief when i know i can finally move on, the pride of creation, and the dreadful anticipation of being read - all of it is a bittersweet cup that i will gladly return to.

i need to make space for that, with whatever little amount of bandwidth i have to work with. i refuse to wake up one day knowing that i have postponed the only thing thats ever meant a damn to me, only to realize ive run out of time. i will not squander whats left.

at some point, i know i need to put this behind me. this, and several other self-imposed obligations, must greatly diminish or disappear entirely. it might be in a few weeks or a year, but it has to happen. i might keep this one up, sporadically popping in for occasional exchanges, and pass off the sideblogs to someone else. i've already scrubbed the archive. or maybe i'll just delete entirely; perhaps virtual presences are best if they resembled a sand mandala, something designed to be swept away to make space for something - or someone - new.

i had to write this down, get this all out, if only for myself. i cannot begin to estimate the amount of time ive spent here, so it had to be said for my own reconciliation of that time... and to keep myself to it.

when im ready to leave, i'll let you all know.

[belladonnix]

I've been making my boyfriend a custom jacket for Christmas and it's finally Finished!

I'm so hyped to finally be able to share this. He doesn't use Tumblr anymore so there's no risk of him seeing it but I've been working on this present for MONTHS! It cost me about £180 for all the materials for this jacket and I will never ever tell him - I don't want him to feel like he owes me anything or that this was about money at all. Luckily I have enough of some of the materials, like fabric ink and photopolymer, to use on dozens of other projects so it's not a huge loss of money.

The jacket itself cost me £10 second hand and I didn't anticipate spending so much on it but the more I fell in love with him the more I decided he deserved something he would love and treasure and hopefully that would remind him of how much I love him when he wears it.

So here it goes;

#1 - The Jacket

Got this faux fur removable collar, 100% denim jacket for about £10 second hand on eBay! Absolute bargain. I bought it before we got serious, probably in July or August, and was only gonna distress the denim a little originally. Maybe buy a few cheap band patches if I could find them. But as time went on and I fell in love with him, I decided it should be a lot more meaningful than that.

#2 - The Patches

It took me M O N T H S to accumulate the patches I wanted. I made a detailed list of all of his favourite bands and got to work. I was only able to secure 4 patches from the bands he loved - one of them being catfish and the bottlemen. This gave me a little trouble since Catfish haven't been active since the middle of last year and the patches on their merch shop hadn't restocked, but I was deadset on getting that patch. I found it on a redbubble clone and ordered it from overseas - the biggest issue was it came printed rather than embroidered, which is what I wanted for an authentic look, but it's on the smaller side so I figured it didn't matter too much and went ahead.

There was something missing though. A back patch, yeah, of course! I wanted to find the perfect back patch, something that would scream "HIM" as loud as possible. I'd already been playing with the idea of what I wanted but I went ahead and looked for a back patch of The Fool Tarot Card. Unfortunately, like catfish, all the patches I found of it were printed. For such a big patch it was important to me that it was as authentic as possible, so I reached out to someone and had my dream patch custom embroidered just for this project! It was the most expensive piece and without it the jacket would have been less than £100 worth of materials but alas, when it came I was starstruck. The level of detail he'd been able to attain was not unnoticed and I was proud to be able to put this on a present for someone I love.

Then there was the layout. I messed around with it a couple of times until I got it right but I was beyond happy with the composition and my absolutely flawless, somehow for once, sewing skills.

But there was something missing.. his favourite band of all time, I couldn't find any actually up-to-date or stylish patches for it but it was a must. I wanted to show him I truly pay attention, and there was one perfect solution for including it...

#3 - Screen Printing

That's right. I taught myself to SCREEN PRINT FROM SCRATCH FOR THIS! I learned how to make a frame, what materials to use, bought a good photopolymer and fabric ink (of which I have TONS left over) and took my sweet time making it. For transferring the design onto the screen I troubleshot a few different ideas; I couldn't find any plastic to print the design on, so I decided to just use the glass that came with the photo frame I used! We're resourceful in this house. Next getting the design onto the glass, I tried tracing with Sharpie and paint but I'm so impatient it just wasn't working for me. So I got the brilliant idea to painstakingly cut out the intricate design and PVA glue it onto the glass, since it dries clear it wouldn't affect the photopolymer! And it worked!

Oh what band was this for you ask? What band was so important to him that I spent hours stretching chiffon, cutting a design, curing polymer and scrubbing out the screen for?

My Chemical Romance, baby

After the screen finally dried from rinsing I did some test prints on an old pair of jeans, and it went so well I was ready to try it on the jacket!

Didn't go so well. There was a button I hadn't accounted for that made it impossible to print it on the pocket where I wanted it, so I tried just lower and it was a complete bust. I spent 15 minutes cleaning the ink out before retrying on the sleeve. The sleeve went a lot better, not exactly what I wanted but it's clear, visible and opaque.

Perfect. Now we just needed some final touches and it would be ready just in time for Christmas.

#4 - Final Touches

We're talkin' lil bits and bobs here. Nothing too extravagant but small embellishments that really make the piece what it is.

I'll start with pins. I only have 2 so far, maybe planning on getting him more for his birthday next year to add to the jacket, but these have just as much sentimental value as the rest.

Frank Carter and the Rattlesnakes, the pin was on sale and it's another one of his favourite bands! It was a must. The goose, goofy and silly but perfect as we'd played Untitled Goose Game together earlier this year as a sort-of date.

Adding a personal touch; the jacket was originally an ASOS piece, but I didn't like how the label looked in the back so I removed it, only to feel like it was too bare after. So I painted him a custom brand label using that fabric ink from earlier and scrap black cotton from my fabrics; sewed it in place and it was finally coming together.

Fixing up any damage; I found on the removable collar, while I was sewing the patches, that one of the elastic loops that held it in place had almost snapped and was hanging on by a thread, so I repaired that! I know it might never be noticed, but that's the funny thing about love isn't it? We do things that our loved ones might never notice just to make their lives a little better, a little easier.

I'm considering roughing up the edges of the seams with a scalpel, just to give it a more worn look. But knowing my Kyle, it'll have that look no problem by the middle of summer.

Conclusions

This was absolutely a journey. There was a lot of stress, but equally there was a lot of time, effort and love poured into this project. I can't imagine him not loving it based on that alone, not even considering the inclusion of his favourite things. If this gets a good reception I'll post a reaction when I give it to him on Tuesday.

I love this man so much, and I think I already know I've created something he will adore and cherish for years to come. And in years to come, assuming I'm still around, I'll be there to patch it, paint it and fix it however he wants, however our lives evolve together as inspiration. I'm as proud to have put work into this as I am to have put work into our relationship. All the tenderness, and care, and patience will be worth it.

And before you ask; Yes, my love language IS acts of service.

[tangleweave]

[ A Christmas Submission by @brooklynislandgirl​ ]

Everyone has somewhere to go, something to do for the holidays. Of this she is sure. The team has taken a few days to disperse, some together and some apart, leaving only herself and Phil as the odd men out and so it feels like kismet. She invites him over to her place and he politely declines. Something about impropriety.

But maybe Phil forgets that she's tenacious in her own right, able to pursue what she wants with the faithfulness of a bloodhound.

Her Santa bag is full of tools for the occasion: burgers from that place he likes in DC ~she's gotten the cook to come up and make it fresh at her place~ and gifts. There's popcorn and cocoa. There's ornaments she made by hand, and some that she saw that reminded her of him. A small tree. An armful of the best holiday movies, and of course, matching socks.

She invites herself over, and she thinks that maybe he's a little surprised that she knows where he lives. Everyone assumes he never leaves headquarters no matter where that happens to be, but Beth knows better.

And when he opens the door? She carefully drops the bag and launches herself into his arms, savouring the warmth and the comfort of him. In a lot of ways, Uncle Phil feels like everything she's ever missed all at once though she can't really explain it.

"Mele Kali--" A pause as she eventually extricates herself even if she doesn't really want to. "I mean... Merry Chris'mus, Phil Coulson. As one'a Santa's lil menehune, it is my joy an' duty t' bring you some holiday cheer. I hope is workin'."

~*~*~*~

[ Tangleweave ]

In the year since his effort to recruit her, Phil has found Beth to be one of the most valuable resources at his disposal, and indeed he would even deign to say to the entirety of SHIELD as an organization. To have even one of her is a privilege beyond measure, because she is absolutely not the kind of person who would join a global intelligence network. She is neither spy nor saboteur… neither analyst nor field officer.

Except that she has proven capable at all of those crafts, and more. At first by necessity… and then, because he had asked her to.

He has not spent a single moment regretting or even questioning his decision to pluck her from the life she had been enduring, so that he could offer her one worth living.

Not even now, as he stands perplexed at his apartment's doorway, seeing the vivacious young woman bearing a red cloth bag over one shoulder, a green stocking cap over her raven tresses, and a beaming smile on her face that wrinkles the sides of her nose. He'd been meticulous about keeping this address out of public record and off most books anyone would bother to check. He pays rent in cash money and the landlord doesn't know his real name. How in the world had she discovered it?

The question vanishes from his mind as she jumps and throws her arms around his neck. It hardly throws him off-balance -- despite her increasing muscle mass from combat training, she's still about equivalent to a soaking wet Raggedy Ann doll -- but he still circles his arms around her by instinct. He isn't typically one to initiate embrace, but he can hardly leave her to be the only one making an effort.

His lips curl into a smile that's equal parts genuine and sardonic when she cuts herself off from putting forth the Hawai'ian greeting and instead gives him one more customary to his neck of the woods. He can't quite keep the clever twinkle out of his eye or his tone when he replies. "I'll take you at your word you're a menehune, because you do fit the criteria for one… though at this point, I might also believe if you said you were an imp."

He pulls away just far enough to look at her properly, and he breathes a sigh of capitulation through his resigned smile. "Yeah, all right… come in."

He holds the door open for her and stands aside as she bears her gift bag over her shoulder again, and as she passes by him he smells the sinful temptation of the warm food within it. He only speaks again after closing the door. "You know you got me like fifteen different ways, Agent Riley. Coming here in the first place, and I'm sure we'll discuss that at some point, but then coming at me with Hawai'ian when you know how much I love Bing Crosby? And don't think I didn't notice the smell coming from that bag. You've got a knack for reaching a man where he lives."

His expression softens, and the smile that had begun as an expression of resignation turns to something more heartfelt. No matter his feelings on propriety, he knows her sentiment comes from the deepest recesses of her heart. If there is anything he's learned about her in the last year, it is that above all else, she wants to make the world a better place. More joyful. More generous.

She is more full of love than anyone he knows. Is it so wrong to let her know her efforts aren't in vain?

He brings one hand up to the center of his chest, his fingers hovering over the scar that everyone knows and no one speaks of. It is perhaps the most honest gesture he can show her in this moment, to let her know that while he leans on professionalism and protocol for daily guidance... she is a North Star for how to have a heart.

"Mele Kalikimaka, Elikapeka."

[rigelmejo]

Its not much but its honest work ToT

Yesterday I read:

1 chapter of hanshe (I’m extensive reading, which is artificially easier than usual since I’ve read this before so even if I ‘forgot’ words, I honestly know them somewhere in my brain so they come back easily when reading)

2 chapters of Granting You a Dreamlike Life (eirenical’s translation reminded me ToT! Honestly if it weren’t for hanshe’s author’s writing being SUPER familiar to me, I think GYADL author actually writes a bit easier to read. The difficult part is the unrecognizable words I Actually have never studied before, unlike hanshe, so I have to put in a bit more effort to figure them out)

1 chapter of Journey to the West Vernacular. Easiest version I’ve ever read of this story, it feels like a graded reader. But has a slight style to it which makes it enjoyable. Easier to read than GYADL, but again hanshe is artificially easiest since somewhere in my brain I have all the words in it stored ToT.

0.5 chapters of ‘Liu Li’. So I had a link to Liu Li, Love and Redemption’s novel. Well. That link was apparently fanfic, I read a few paragraphs and oddly sects were being called businesses...then Ling Long said she got a job... then Sifeng showed up in a western style suit with GLASSES. And I was like yep this is definitely definitely the WRONG story lol. I actually have the print version of Liu Li in my house but its in a box right now ;-;. So yeah... I’ll need to go looking for this novel again lol, somehow I’d saved a fanfic last time I bookmarked it.

Honestly yes, I still just want to extensively read Guardian. But who knows when I’ll get the bravery to try that again. I also tried reading some japanese detective novels translated into Chinese (since that was what was popular in the section of a site i was browsing through). But um... seeing hanzi that represent japanese names just fried my brain way too much and I bailed after 1 paragraph. (Truly: I saw Tokyo written in hanzi in the first sentence, and my brain pronounced it the chinese hanzi way and it just hurt my brain to think about i don’t even know why).

Yesterday and today I listened to:

Final Fantasy VII lets play in japanese, I found a new lets player I like. She cosplays sometimes for them (for IX she dressed as zidane!) I used the closed captions on youtube so I had some japanese subs. It was artificially easier since I’ve played the game in english, so I could guess what words meant what. That said - I think that makes learning from it easier. I think that means if I just relaxed and watched a lets play of a game I’ve played, I’d pick up a lot of words from context that otherwise would be too difficult to learn as quickly. I know whenever I check out Kingdom Hearts cutscenes I can figure out words easy (cause I know that game by heart lol)

Midnight Diner condensed audio (I found a lot of japanese audio lately). I could catch bits and pieces of things said, which I honestly consider a success considering how hard it was to watch IN japanese only last time I tried. I did not follow what was going on, but just catching some bits of dialogue meaning was cool!

Final Fantasy X condensed audio. This is proof that (somehow) I could learn some new words from audio-only resources in japanese, specifically if they’re media I’m already familiar with. I know the scenes and characters SO well I have figured out a few words just now listening as I work. And I can tell what scene I’m hearing fairly easily (music cues and sound effects same as in english, actors have the same ‘vibe’ even though they’re japanese VAs), which makes guessing words easier since I know the topic. And then, I find recognizing words I ALREADY know easier (since I know the scene’s context I can expect them) - which is good review for me and helps improve my listening comprehension. Also I finally really hammered in soshite - and, dakara - because, oyaji - dad/pops, sekai - world, dekimasu - can! (also its so cute Lulu uses ‘anta’ when I’ve only otherwise heard anta used by yakuza in the Yakuza games ToT). Anyway just notes for me personally: I think its really cool to see that I can pick up NEW stuff and make improvements just listening to audio. Because I would have thought that ‘too hard’ to do at my level.

Alice in Wonderland in Japanese, read-listened in DuoReader app. Well. I did 5 pages. It was hard. I read a LOT of hiragana without kanji to help me as a crutch. Japanese and English have such different sentence structure that the english text did not help with comprehending the audio much lol. So I mostly followed the japanese text with the japanese audio. I do feel I learned some stuff. It was brain frying though. Although, I suppose, Listening Reading Method often does make me feel exhausted. Its a very intensive study method. 

Can you tell I’ve been listening to a lot of japanese?? Studying japanese feels so much like I’m jumping in an ocean and going ‘LETS SEE ALRIGHTY’ and then treading water randomly to see if I’ll float or find any islands or drown. But when I use reading resources (because I did jump into trying to read Alice in Wonderland in japanese yesterday with audio), I find myself so reliant on kanji (based on my hanzi knowledge) that it really hinders my ability to pick up new hiragana words. I find this whole past year I’ve been a lot more successful doing mainly audio focus on japanese. But audio focused lessons also mean a lot more unknowns unless I’m using full on english-japanese sentence audio.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

some threads woven together flawlessly. or fumbled with intently until it's like Look [holds out a cat's cradle] but no. it's good & real

smthing "i can't believe it's this Telling!" about Romance(tm) being multiple times hearing this sentiment like. "okay talking about relationships right. dating has always come easily to me / i've been lucky / i'm Good At romance: i was not single for more than 5 consecutive days from the autumn of '34 to Now. but it wasn't until my late twenties 90 yrs & dozens of Romantic partners into it that, for the first time ever: one of those relationships was actually like, good." and it's like damn i can't believe it's that Telling. that the remarks have this would be twist / punchline (not actually delivered as such. it's not unexpected to them?) that still gets framed thusly as being Successful in dating. spending eons with a bunch of people involved in bad relationships, but you weren't Not dating

also reminded in terms of [i don't really have any podcasts i'm listening to] like one i was like "hm i've heard some episodes. i'll put this one on in the background" then dropkicking it out the window like 10 min in b/c irrelevantly this Guest was like "real talk. ugh it's sooo cool to be poly nowadays 9_9 everyone has to be poly but i'm Naught into it!!! i guess i Feel too much. i want PASSION and DRAMA!!! this is just like how pop in the late '00s / '10s was all 'feminist' telling you to be independent sluts well i care about true LOVE" and like. i don't remember but i don't think they were a man, i'm quite surer they were queer, it was just so fucking lmfao like would you get thee fuck out of here. we actually don't live in "it's like it's illegal to be monogamous :(" world you're not Edgy now b/c you're insecure about what you see as "trendy" but don't Get / don't want in on. you're not going against the grain for being like "maybe i Do want to settle down with my soulmate" like great news that's normative. pick another queer group to Project on b/c they'd rupture your idea of the Bounds of queerness where you're like "ugh they're so mainstream & ruining it for us True queers disrupting the cishet agenda (arguing for queerness to be on The Terms Of said cishet agenda)" e.g. ohh the cishet agenda is pro asexuality!!! (it is not. even if it was? is the Queer Agenda for some people to have to deny their own sexuality & "have" to have sex a certain kind of way with certain people? up next "bi women: gender traitors, why not Choose to (have to) have only certain kinds of sex w/certain people :)" trans people gender traitors We decide what everyone's gender is, bit fucked up of you to be deciding your own huh, what Assumptions are you making you sicko?? you Have to identify / present xyz certain ways or you're failing to be the gender vanguard like we are) like what if the queer agenda was about everything we Can do. we Can have this sex w/these people sure, & we Can: Not do that w/them. like oh no what if cishet men were able to get their hands on the gay resources only when we recognize Aro/Ace identities can ppl Say "yeah i'm....hehe....Not cishet"? legitimate question Yeah What Then. oh no. god's wounds What If you can just say you're trans now & change your pronouns every day. like yeah let's let everyone do that. what if we all did. oh no lol. oh my god more people are talking about polyamory like they're allowed to talk about polyamory & if my monogamy isn't Assumed ""normal"" & i might feel like it's thus more in question?? well don't mind me as i get defensive by way of Derisive & start scoffing & spitting at the queers making the rest of us look bad but we're Really fighting the fight out here (doing what we were already doing but now feeling extra smug & self satisfied about it?)

like "ohh i have too much Emotion for that" like who said you didn't. why do you think polyamory involves less emotion or passion or desire or commitment or whatever. it sure doesn't posit it necessarily requires More either. it posits that it is not monogamy. & like christ Congratulations then. congratulations on having too much of a heart. that is then used to sneer & backbite like i forgot that this person on this damn podcast also brought this up b/c a friend or acquaintance who was poly made whatever kind of proposition & here they are on some podcast going Ugh & talking about how they have too much passion, despite years of top40 telling them, according to them, that feminism is sluttiness now (again this is. according to them. Groundbreaking circling back to bog standard misogyny) & isn't it so groundbreaking in turn if a woman were to sing love songs? imagine. you can have emotions & passion & drama taking the parking spot a stranger wanted. You could've brought the monogamy with a poly partner, when the Agenda for it is always distilled to Exclusivity, like, bring your own, huh? like your own Feelings & Passions & Commitment. but obviously it is the assumption that the poly partner is the Inadequate one there who would be causing any relationship to be Lacking. b/c they sure didn't frame it as some matter of fact Mismatch or else try to start being outright about how poly people are, like the bisexuals, these sluts (feminists!!) who are only giving you Part of themselves when you deserve All Access to your exclusive, locked in partner!!! & like good lord do you ever? with your Reliable kinsey endzones binary gender soulmate for life, do you?? locking them in what, why. excluding what, why. accessing all of what, why.

Romance(tm) being defined by Exclusivity defined by entitlement to as much of this other person as you want, to ensure that exclusivity: compare w/the boundless potential Threats or already Violations to thee proper romantic relationship. spending too much time with other people, sharing too much with them, getting too much support, feeling too much towards them, valuing them too much, to say nothing of what could be considered "intimacy," which then yeah sure includes "well no kissing or sex" but yknow again that does need to be a bound you even accept, monogamy style, & even if you do, that All Thee Rest of it can be attributed to "well you shouldn't be talking to them / having these friends / doing these other things b/c that's a slippery slope to Romance (kissing, sex)." that the exclusivity is so often inevitably defined by, when pushed to it, Exclusion, e.g. like if everyone i loved was held at gunpoint & it's like only One of them could be Not Shot baby it'd be you like tf is this scenario?? gee it'd suck if everyone else died but baby as long as it's not you like The Hell. that it's about Everyone Else being shut out & Less & Lacking & deprioritized thusly in specificass hypothetical winner take all tournaments of disposing of loved ones like what in the christ. & this being an Isolating logic like well that soulmate should be Enough. & the instruction like, yeah any & all feelings passions desires wishes wants needs hopes dreams? file that away under "to be fulfilled by the One True Romance." it'll fulfill Everything in your life!! if it doesn't umm cough must've been doing it wrong. turn your discontent into Passion. philosophically muse on how Fulfillment may have eluded you but maybe just maybe we all still come closest in struggling through a marriage for a few dozens of years & also perhaps parenthood! surely. and don't even think of considering if this cosmos of the nuclear household is not in fact the distilled essence of all that one's life can possibly contain

of course two people can have a long term intimate relationship w/each other exclusively & it not all necessarily play into some nuclear family cisheteropatriarchy agenda moment lmao, but this is just the same as like. yeah people Can exist in ways that some rando today could look at & deem "are they not cishet" but where this is also not of the cishet agenda(tm). b/c ppl Have to be cishet(tm). & Have to be finding their monogamous cishet lifelong spouse. & sure Have to Not do otherwise, so why Wouldn't there be the narrative that all passions & emotions & desires & wants & needs & chance of fulfillment is a matter of the domain of Romance(tm)? the idea like oh you enjoy talking with someone? Love. you're excited / interested / affectionate? Love. you're dtf? either Love or else held to be the other side of the same coin: marked Lack of love(tm). wild that Stimming in enthusiasm is used in this Romance framework lmao as like a recognized Normal nd moment. love the enthusiasm. you could be stimming even more, about more. you could be enthused even more, about more. you Could. you don't Have to, But You Could. you don't Have to be involved in a way you consider some degree of intimate enough to have a particular classification on that basis, but you Could. you don't want to? alright awesome how many versions of a person there can be on this earth. why would one want to define it as "having" to be monogamous though b/c you're Too Legit to be poly. Too Legit queer to respect asexuality. Too Legit trans to respect someone's gender expression/identity being a casual, dynamic, easy experience.

also always noticing like "oh right, another day's work giving Others' feelings legitimacy & priority, & not my own" back in college times when like a couple of times having to outright or gradually* deflect acquaintances whom i'd interacted with trying to go for the dating route. & then nominally having to presume that they are the uniquely burdened one here like oh way to go (did not do fuckall), what is more Legitimate than disappointment re: Romance right. except it's like now hang on i'm also the one going "i thought someone was interacting with me trying to be friendly :/" like lol, no. & as though then taking on this impossible unilateral responsibility to demur from seeming [i want to hang out & interact] interest now on the terms of both neurotypicality (also normative) & amatonormativity. & being like "??" like what would someone even have particularly strong feelings about when i prommy i did not yet feel comfortable bringing even like most of the range of my personality, or comfortable in general w/what i Did bring, what's the basis of this lol. making up a guy. & like we are all performing we are all perceiving & interpreting without a direct channel into someone else's interiority. but like where's Any genuine intimacy leading into this lol? like still a No even if so but at least it'd be less perplexing. & if there isn't even expected to be any then also still No. tf was this one guy trying to start shit over buying textbooks & by start shit i mean keep trying to talk to me when crossing paths on (community college!) campus until i'm like no i don't wanna go to a movie b/c i don't really know you from adam, & he's like "well isn't that the point of dating, to get to know each other" like No this isn't cishet amatonormative marriage speedrun "i'm so good at dating i wasn't single for 93 years! each relationship was shit btw!" central get out of here. luckily he did. rando guys in public & semi public barely count yet also fully count

another thing that's different but the same is it's kind of jarring like another thing you Can do but it rankles within me like i hope to just like. someone being like framed as Superlative Exceptional....like great lmao such a broad thing & common thing & i am fully aware like "Uh Oh Eesh when i am imagining it applied to Me. i do not like it" like how we are [it takes all kinds]ing and [no accounting for taste]ing & all these things we sure Can do. but i do tie it to just like. arguing for people's worth as A Thing on this bitch of an earth where some people get to see others' lives as less than theirs & the supposed cure for this appealing on Merit. where even the Personal, Individual protection against this is "well, just find the one person who is like 'you're Everything & btw i'd drop dead without you like what would be the point of Anything'" like now what tf is reassuring about that lmao....this Other audio experience i forgot where i was already just not that interested but it grated hearing someone assure us that like oh this person's webpage is so Intriguing i Have to talk to this person. another thing much more formal & established being this ode to someone being like So undeniably extraordinary & incredible & superlative etc, like, lovely ode to someone, but i do reflect like eesh i just really do not want that. no ironic "xyz would've hated this!!" like just do not. i'm so Not about merit(tm). i'm so not about anyone Needing to be considered superlative or extraordinary by even One other person. so not about rising Above anyone else as the evidence of worth. so not about praising anyone by assuring people they're Not "Just" [another xyz. a victim. passive. content to abc.]....so not about being stuck in isolation with the immediate Family as one's only support (against The Family: as like. a political deal) until the only other way to exist is to escape, &/or be pushed into, the marriage, aka thee romance (against Romance: also a political deal)

where in romance(tm) is there Not this narrative about how you'd better find all the support & fulfillment you need in your whole self & life & being in This. where is there not "ideally" isolation. where is there not exclusivity as the definition. with this also ofc assuming the "correct" monogamous approach. & the cisheteropatriarchy. like yeah sure people Can do xyz that would resemble like ah the cishet lifelong monogamous partnership, & Not be of that agenda. like there Can be ppl who would be perceived cishet by someone to whom "cishet" has any meaning but like, without that agenda. we had & can have all our phenotypes without the concepts of white supremacy / antiblackness around which to categorize "race," we have all our bodies w/o there necessarily, inevitably being ableism. & in the meantime against the [we Have to xyz] & the Normative & the assertion of "merited" deservingness & the isolating & authoritarian & controlling & extractive & prescriptive & limiting, & plenty of other things....polyamory like supposed "opposite" of aromanticism but it's peak harmonious when like, it is also very much outside how romance is "supposed" to be, to the extent of like ohh it doesn't count b/c it is so uncontained by any Definitions. ohh i could never be polyamorous b/c they're Diluting themselves (there's the Isolating & Exclusivity definitions....the Most romantic relationship? baby idgaf if everyone else in my life died. you wouldn't either re: all your loved ones, right. why are you talking to them again. or hanging out with them again. or saying Love to them again or changing your plans for them or listening to them or etc etc. & of course you couldn't kiss anyone else, why Wouldn't this relationship crumble away if that weren't the case??? lol) like okay you're not polyamorous, that others Are is good for you. ppl being trans is good for cis people; no genders as constraining classes. ppl being ace is good for allo people; no compulsory sexuality. people being bi is good for everyone; same. etc etc etc. that They can exist as themselves unhindered = you can; that they can't, you can't. you're not Too Good to be them; acting/doing Better than someone else is acting/doing is like, about choices lol. versus [oh it's not even a choice i Couldn't be poly....b/c i'm too good for that] like. now what does this do for anyone exactly. but make you feel more secure through feeling superior b/c you're hearing more often more casually more proximately about different choices people are making for themselves

anyways surfacing from [my god. writing a post now] & i would like to emphasize "aromantic sure but & also anti-romance i mean it. like politically" & "lovelessness let's gooo. politically as well like can we Not with the affective-centric"

[chemicalmagecraft]

I’ve come to realize, with hindsight, that my biggest problem with TOTK was that, after a certain point, it just consistently became so goddamn unfun for me to actually play it.

I will admit, at least part of that was due to me being lazy, but the essential problem I had was that eventually I ended up just running around like every fight I found myself in and waiting for the sages to deal with all the monsters because I didn’t want to waste weapon durability. Every broken weapon felt like such a massive undertaking to replace because of how much damage the enemies I usually had to fight could take, so I became so averse to actually using my weapons because it felt like I was being punished every time I did. I feel like about 75% of my average time playing the game was in some way spent worrying about, dealing with, or getting reminded about how consumable my only means of directly attacking were. And maybe that’s fine for some people, but it’s just annoying to me.

And sure, maybe I could’ve built some sort of weaponized tank or plane or other elaborate death machine to ride into combat, but have you ever actually built anything in TOTK? It’s really slow and honestly kind of finicky to do, and basically impossible to do in combat if anything’s attacking you (especially since I think getting hit cancels your powers). And yeah, autobuild makes it a bit better, but you still have to get all the materials out and it still takes time for the thing to put all the components together. And sure, autobuild can work instantly and without the actual zonai parts you need for whatever you want to build… at the cost of zonaite, and it just guzzles through it if you want to make anything more complex than a simple hoverbike. So sure, spawning a deathtank out of nowhere is cool, but you just spent like fifty zonaite on something you didn’t even use for a minute. Back to the mines with you, and you’re gonna need a new hammer while you’re at it because your current one is just barely above badly damaged. And honestly, I got TOTK because I wanted to play a Zelda game, not Banjo Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts.

The main draw of TOTK is how creative you can get with it, but that comes at the cost of pretty much every cool thing you can do taking time and precious resources. And even if you don’t want to get really fancy and creative with it, you still have to pay constantly just to have basic weapons that are actually effective. There’s no permanent upgrade to the amount of damage you can do aside from expanding your inventory so you can carry more still very expendable weapons, but the game is designed to throw stronger monsters that require stronger weapons to kill the more you fight, to say nothing about the many, many boss- or even superboss-level enemies that will probably consume at least one good weapon to kill by themselves just randomly scattered about the map. There is, as far as I’m aware, only one form of attack in the game that you can do without either burning resources (aside from stamina, which to be fair is a lot easier to get back than flipping silver bokoblin horns or whatever) or relying on sages, and it’s the earthquake technique, which I’m pretty sure doesn’t scale with anything and is locked behind a sidequest that’s gonna take you all over the map.

[prismatic-glow]

For post ideas, I'd like to ask about your thoughts on Candace so far! I read the daily updates, but I was wondering about your general opinion on playing with her. Fun? Difficult? Does her gameplay remind you of any other characters? And what party do you think works best for her? That's all, thank you! And please don't feel pressured to post if you're tired or out of ideas, we're all human after all <3

thanks for this ask!

my favorite part about her gameplay is definitely how satisfying it feels. her normal attacks just feel amazing to use! I think her whole shield thing is super cool and the animations are just so smooth!

but something else I noticed is that her gameplay doesn't feel that impactful if that makes sense? Like when I play Beidou and hit that perfect parry I can kinda feel it and it feels strong and powerful. I'm kinda missing that a bit with Candace

As for what characters she reminds me of, I would definitely say Yun Jin. The smooth normal attacks, same functioning parry, and burst that deals damage + buffs. They also both have gorgeous designs!

I think my biggest issue with Candace is that she doesn't synergize with anybody. I haven't yet found a pairing where I'm like "yeah, this works perfectly" Nobody really want her infusion and when played as a DPS, I struggle to find the perfect last party member

I've played Bennet + Kazuha with her that obviously works well but I just don't know who to put in that last slot! I've thought of Xiangling but then that's Xiangling Kazuha Bennet so obviously its gonna work.

My favorite choice for this slot ended up being Beidou! First off, absorbing Pyro with Kazuha's burst creates a super fun rainbow team that's a lot like Yoimiya overvape. There are so many reactions and having both Beidou and Candace to parry is quite fun.

The other character I tried was actually Dehya! She's obviously not a stellar character but she was able to run tenacity of the millileth and grant pyro resonance! Her Pyro application helped a little bit but it's not that notable

There's 1 team that I want to try with her but haven't gotten to. Mono Hydro! I think it would be fun to pair her with Furina and get marechausse and the other options would be quite flexible. Definitely want to try this out when I get the chance although I worry that her personal damage without vape would just not be that impressive

Speaking of damage, that was the main thing I was looking for in these teams. I think I was able to get 18k on a CA once? My struggle was trying to choose between max HP mainly for her skill damage or just attack. Investing in both isn't ever the best choice so I ended up going full attack

I think Candace is a super fun character to build for fun. I went into the challenge without many expectations and I think that's the best way to go about it. If you have the spare resources and like Candace, it could be fun! I'm looking forward to finishing my build and moving on to the next character!!

Again, thanks for this ask <33

have a great day everybody!!