#calling him cold and neglectful honing in on his guilt

[oblako]

the latest i love yoo episodes... i'm shaking oh my god

[afreakingdork]

Jessica Jones Season 3 A.K.A. Morality

I genuinely believe that the writers of Jessica Jones season 3 have no idea what morality is supposed to mean or how it applies to basic situations. We can start on this, of course, with the friction between Trish and Jessica. The series starts with Jessica doing everything she can to keep ties severed with Trish, while Trish tries in vain to chase Jessica down like a puppy so they can ‘team-up’ like old-new times with Trish’s shiny new powers. Episode 2,  “ A.K.A You're Welcome,” paints a more full picture by showing Trish’s side of the conversation. Overall, the whole thing falls so flat for a variety of reasons. I can applaud Trish’s dedication to really honing her craft, but even this is something she tries to hold over Jessica. She offhandedly remarks that Jessica could train once in a while and hints often at her inferred superiority because she actually wants to be super, or she has the right attitude to be super, or she has the actual drive to be super. All of which, paired with Rachael Taylor’s insufferable acting, makes seeing Trish feel like nails on chalkboard every single time. Trish doesn’t understand that her store bought powers and being a hero aren’t something to play around with or have moral superiority about, but she refuses to listen to anyone or even reason. It’s mind boggling because while, we know Trish has always been jealous of Jessica’s power, she of all people should know about what Jessica has been through. They were sisters against the world their whole lives, Jessica doing her best to protect and support Trish from her mother’s abuse and Trish full well knowing Jessica is basically alone in this world, not to mention all the time and everything else that she lost to Kilgrave. Jessica is a wounded soul and her powers have everything to do with that, but all that just goes out the window because Trish wants powers and Trish thinks she knows better and the show is happy to say both Trish and Jess are equally bad. Even in the end when Trish finally realizes she is the bad guy, she has to go off the deep-end and then even further into the pool before the show will even let her admit it and then it gives no time for the weight of this statement to take affect and instead just moves on.

However, let’s move back to respective family histories, there’s a line that really enraged me in episode 5, “A.K.A I Wish,” where Gillian says “I'm sick of people throwing away friends and family like there's plenty more where that came from,” because Trish and Jessica won’t talk out their issues. There are some things that you can’t come back from with family and friends, especially when they aren’t willing to move their opinions on it. There are plenty more people that you can become friends with or even make your new family (it’s called found family and is huge especially in comic books) because it’s insanely toxic to stick with someone just because you’re related to them or have been friends for a long time. It’s really hard to play along with this sentiment, especially when in episode 6, “A.K.A Sorry Face,” you have Trish and her mom, Dorothy, really go head to head about Dorothy’s abuse towards Trish. Trish’s whole life has been shaped by her mother’s abuse. She never had a moment to think for herself because Dorothy was always controlling every second of it and it was the reason Trish has resorted to drug use and relapsed multiple times, but the moment Trish, justifiably so, tries to mention this her mother flips out and still has the gall to make it about herself. When Dorothy storms out you can see that from Trish’s weak attempts to roll back on it, again a completely justifiable comment, that the show thinks that Trish is in the wrong here. Sure, Dorothy’s points on Trish’s flippant attitude towards her own safety were, in my opinion, needed; Trish is heading down an insane path where all she can see is the glory of supering and can’t see how dangerous or miserable it is (which is crazy because she’s been Jessica’s sister basically their whole lives and seen all the horrific shit Jessica has had to go through, but I’ll get to that later). Good and bad aren’t so black and white, and this show refuses to play with that. Just because Dorothy and Trish have the most precariously stable relationship now, doesn’t mean Trish isn’t still allowed to be upset about the lifetime of verbal and physical abuse she’s had to endure. 

When you compare that matter to Trish telling Jessica that she needs to get over being upset that she shot her mom, it adds a whole new layer of ‘what the actual fuck?!’ to Trish that the story isn’t particularly interested in delving into. The story seemingly wants you to agree that both Jessica and Trish are equally at fault for what’s happening. Jessica is being too callous and gatekeeping Trish, while Trish is acting rogue and playing like being super is fun. It’s insane because we see Jessica already struggling with her mother’s influence. She was already destroying herself in season 2 because her mother was evil, but also she was the last vestige of her family who still happened to be alive. In her last moments, Alisa was going to turn herself in to the police and imparts on Jessica that being a hero is worth it. It’s almost comical looking back on it now, seeing how holier-than-thou Trish has become, and knowing that she shot Jessica’s mother in cold blood because she believes it was right. Sure, Jessica doesn’t seem to have told Trish the full details of her mother’s turn in those final moments. The show fails morality yet again, when even the question comes up in conversation between Jessica and Trish, Jessica only goes so far as to say ‘it was my mother.’ Jessica completely neglects to mention that her mother turned good in her last days after getting a taste of heroics and instead plays the ‘she was my family and you didn’t give me a choice in whether or not I should keep them’ card, that makes no sense to the total overarching argument to who is in the moral right. You can say that Jessica is a terrible negotiator when it comes to getting her point across verbally, and you’d be right, but that isn’t what the show is trying to illustrate and it’s beyond irritating.

This piss poor morality spread and infects other characters in season 3 also. We have the manifestation of morality with the introduction of Erik, who gets a physical response to evil. Nothing has bothered me more than when Malcolm scores a 3 on Erik’s bad-o-meter. Malcolm is grappling with the bad things he has done for Jeri because he thought he could justify it with the money and experience he would get now to fund him fighting for justice later, but even that wasn’t enough. Long before Erik pinged Malcolm as bad, Malcolm was already trying to atone for what he had done, physically might I add, he should have gone to the hospital for peeing blood after getting in a car accident to get a drunk driver off the streets. It makes Malcolm physically and mentally ill and he even takes time off work to consider his position and this is the moment that he pings a 3 (and, not to mention, Trish doesn’t ping at all)!? How can someone who feels guilt, knowns what he’s doing is wrong, and even takes a break to take a look at himself ping at all on the scale when Jessica is supposedly so good that she is anti-bad-dar for Erik and acts like aspirin for his bad guy headaches?! To add insult to injury, Malcolm cheats on Zaya with Berry because he’s... struggling with maybe becoming evil for some reason, but only long enough for him to immediately roll back and work as a double agent for Jeri so he can actually help Jessica put Sallinger away. Even that is short lived, when he just comes clean and quits to clear his conscience and starts to atone. It’s like the show realized that the tension between Malcolm and Zaya wasn’t enough of a morality issue and they had to have Malcolm do something extra bad to justify, again, that both parties are equally wrong in the matter. In the end though, they end up just reinforcing multiple times that Malcolm was the bad guy and Zaya never had an issue. Progression is a good thing, right?

Malcolm and Zaya are at each other on the ethics of lawyering, something that was handled much better in Daredevil and even that show had it’s faults, but nothing will enrage me more than Jeri’s line in episode 7, “A.K.A The Double Half-Wappinger,” of “...it is not our job to assess guilt or innocence.” While that is technically correct, there is a huge glaring problem with how the show is using it. The show is obsessed with the alleged portion of Sallinger’s guilt, in that he is so smart he leaves no evidence behind and is always multiple steps ahead of investigators trying to find a mistake on his trail. Only criminal defense attorneys do not decide if the client is innocent or guilty. While that is Jeri’s position as Sallinger’s attorney, this type of attorney's concern is whether there is sufficient evidence to prove that someone has committed a crime since the jury or judge will be the one’s actually deciding the verdict. The thing is, especially based on her past history with Jessica, is Jeri does have this information, albeit not as evidence, but she still tries to proceed as if Sallinger is still innocent until proven guilty. It’s a complete implosion of Jeri’s character when she already is grappling with everything falling apart with her ALS and Kith. It’s mind boggling to think this is the same Jeri who entrusted Jessica in episode 1, “A.K.A The Perfect Burger,” to take her life when she can no longer make the choice herself due to her illness. Jeri then goes on to declare war on superheroes, for what? Short term retainer of Sallinger could distinguish her firm from it’s accused ties to powered people, but long term she knows he is in truth a serial killer and having taken his case knowing so will destroy her firm a million times more than Peter Lyonne’s suicidal statement ever did. She feels like supers are undermining her as if Jessica is trying to take advantage of her ALS and make her look weak? This is a far cry from the Jeri Hogarth that was accused of murdering her first wife or the Jeri Hogarth that was ten steps ahead to blackmail her partners from trying to force her out of the firm she helped build and get her fair share. This isn’t the Jeri we love to hate, this is just hatred to put more pressure on Sallinger’s inane hatred of super people. She’s somehow, even though she never showed interest and expressively talked back to him when he was spouting his drivel, bought into the weaker man philosophy of supers having cheated to better positions in life and has, in her mind, made her whole existence of failures hinged on them trying to make her feel weak. An unfathomable turn for her character indeed, but this is a show that thinks that digging up dirt on someone and releasing it to try to get with their wife is equivalent at all to a man pushing his wife into an open marriage to cheat and skimming money out of their dead daughter’s non-profit foundation. Jeri should have told Kith no question. I don’t think she should have done it the way she did or for the reasons she did, but we are operating on a 20% bad scale vs. an 80% bad scale. Also, Peter Lyonne was such a shithead that he would rather kill himself and blame Jeri in the process than deal with a little jail time for being a fuckface. Crying that he should have had his chance to tell Kith like he was planning on it. Through Laurent they insinuate that the show absolutely makes Jeri out to be the monster in that situation. It honestly makes me think these writers need to take a course of morality or even just watch a few episodes of The Good Place so maybe they could have a real actual human opinion on what is good and bad. I’m worried about them.

[midoriyaizukustan-inactive]

MHA Song Analysis - “Holy” by PVRIS

so i was listening to this song and it gave me massive todoroki family vibes lmao

anyway!! i got encouragement from fran (thank u fran) so its time to go off

i will leave a read more for those of u who dont wanna see me yell tho uwu

this is the song: https://youtu.be/rfrFT_3GP4A

SO i will be using genius lyrics as a ref for the lyrics so if u would like to double-check me on anything, u can do so using the same source

also for this analysis, we are going with the theory that dabi is todoroki touya just for simplicity’s sake

ALSO there are some manga spoilers in here so be careful!! it’s nothing too major or anything but there are instances discussed here that have not yet happened in the anime, so just a warning

w that let’s begin hoho

“youve got it all” “you” in this context is endeavor (who will be referred to as “enji” for the rest of this) and the rest of the line is obvious then; he’s got it all in the sense that he’s a successful, rich pro hero; he has a wife and kids and his own agency; when/if he retires, he could do so comfortably; he has a world-renowned, powerful quirk; he’s got looks and fans and everything

“but youve got it all wrong” despite everything enji has, he doesn’t treat it right at all. obviously he’s abusive as fuck towards his family, and negligent to natsuo and fuyumi once shouto comes along. he’s not satisfied with his place because he doesn’t get to have the number one next to his name. nothing is enough for him; his fatal flaw is envy, and it consumes him to an absolutely absurd degree

“now you dont know you’re a poor unfortunate soul” as previously mentioned, enji’s fatal flaw is envy. it fucks with him so severely that he can’t be happy with what he has, and instead stews in hate towards all might and the bitterness of “what-ifs”. thus, he’s a “poor unfortunate soul”

“oh i know/you make it seem that you feel whole/so they don’t know you’re a poor unfortunate soul” so even though enji is clearly a bit unstable and will never be satisfied or happy with what he has, he has to hide that fact; we see this particularly with his interactions with all might. he is venomous towards him, yes, but he will never let all might know that he’s jealous of him. we see this pattern of behavior echoed in shouto in the sports festival and dabi

“you put on a faith facade/think you’re holy when you’re not” the “faith facade” is enji pretending to feel accomplished with what he’s done, when he clearly isn’t. the “think youre holy when you’re not” refers to enji’s tendency to not see or not admit when he’s wrong. at least until his fight with the nomu leading to introspection, enji did not see any error in his ways. he was fine with using a woman solely for the children she could potentially bear, he was fine with neglecting the children that weren’t “good enough” in his eyes (natsuo and fuyumi), and he was perfectly fine with overworking the children that did meet his standards (shouto and dabi), which supposedly led to one’s death (touya/dabi)

“i hate to break it to you, baby/but you’re simply lost” could be seen as words dabi is telling enji during the nomu fight. shouto, fuyumi, and natsuo have no doubt thought this as well, though, and shouto and natsuo have said things that are equivalent to this (shouto when he told enji he would use him as a stepping stone to be a good hero and natsuo’s recent blowing up about touya’s “death” and enji’s parenting)

“you can right all the wrongs just to feel you belong” these are words natsuo definitely said to enji during their most recent interactions. shouto and dabi echo this sentiment, though, with how they interact with enji. its a very sarcastic and bitter line about not being able to just let what enji has done slip by

“but simply calling out sins don’t bring you closer to god” “calling out sins” is enji’s abuse towards his children and otherwise living through them, particularly shouto, and “bring you closer to god” in this context would mean enji reaching his goals. this is a sentiment all the todorokis feel, but particularly shouto, as enji honed in on him for years and shouto had no way of getting away from him until ua

“youre just a ghost at most/a set of empty bones” i feel as if this is a sentiment all the todorokis feel currently: enji because he’s finally realizing all he’s done wrong and doesn’t quite know how to cope with that; shouto because he’s trying to see himself as anything other than enji’s tool; natsuo because he wants to be more than the abuse enji inflicted on him, but it’s hard bc he can’t let go of touya’s “death”; dabi because he’s completely warped as a person from who he used to be and can’t reach out to his mom or siblings; fuyumi because she most likely has doubts about her feelings/lack of anger towards enji, even though her brothers are all angry with him in some form or fashion; and even rei, because she was changed as a person from enji’s abuse and hurt her own child because of it, and she must deal with the guilt of that

“searching for anything and everything to make you feel whole” this is a reference to how the todoroki’s are trying to cope with what is making them feel like a ghost. enji is reaching out to his kids, shouto is connecting with his friends and midoriya, natsuo is honest about his feelings to enji himself, dabi has a new family/group he connects with, fuyumi stands her ground bc her feelings are her own and shouldnt be swayed by what others are thinking, and rei is in a much better headspace now that she’s away from enji

“when it gets cold, oh, oh, oh” “when it gets cold” means when their struggles get particularly hard. examples of this: enji during the nomu fight, shouto during the sports festival, natsuo during the attack in recent manga chapters and the following conversation with enji, when dabi “dies”/runs away, and when rei hurt shouto. i cant think of a specific example for fuyumi right now, but you get the idea

“you dont know/no you dont know/oh you’re all alone/you poor unfortunate soul” i feel this line relates solely to enji and halfway with dabi, as shouto, natsuo, fuyumi, and rei all have each other and others that help them with being “unfortunate souls”. enji and dabi, on the other hand, only have themselves -- enji because he’s too prideful and also has no one left in his corner after his years of abuse, and dabi because he hasn’t told the league his past (yet), thus he certainly hasn’t talked about this at all

“you can’t control/where your body lets you go/oh you’re all alone/you poor unfortunate soul” i think this line, in particular, is dabi’s, as depending on which “dabi is touya” theory you’re looking at, he was kidnapped by ujiko to be made into a nomu that kinda failed/kinda succeeded, therefore he literally had no control where his body let him go. however, dabi in general didn’t have much choice, or probably felt he didn’t; he couldn’t stand to be with enji any longer, and it quite literally would have killed him if his scars are anything to go by. so he left, and ended up on the path of villainy. he didn’t choose that necessarily, it was just how the cards were played

“and you say that i’ve got it all wrong” “you” is enji and “i[’ve]” is shouto. this is before and during the sports festival. enji is still at his worst, shouto is trying to spite him/separate himself from him, and enji hates shouto for that, thus, he says shouto has it all wrong to not use his quirk/be obedient

“cause you just know im a poor unfortunate soul” enji knows and is the cause of shouto’s fucked up upbringing, so this line is kind’ve a bitter acknowledgment of that

“but there’s no way that there’s weight in the words that you preach/when you’re claiming your faith and you contradict your speech” shouto’s pov one again; he can’t take enji seriously in addition to not wanting to be like him because of enji’s obvious issues with envy. enji tells him to be proud of his fire, and yet clearly enji isn’t even satisfied with it as he can’t beat all might with flames alone. thus, shouto has resentment towards the irony of this, which this line attests to

“so i sit here and listen to your tongue and cheek/i know that when you sit and pray you’re only praying for keeps” shouto has no choice but to listen to enji’s hypocrisy, at least until the dorm system at ua is put into place the “praying” in this aspect can mean a couple different things; enji’s talks to the public, talks to shouto, or talks to all might. “praying for keeps” in these contexts, then, are: “just want to keep his hero ranking high”, “wants to live through shouto’s success because he’s unhappy with his own life”, and “wants to one-up all might in anything possible, from demeanor to supposed satisfaction to pride to legacy, etc”

chorus (“cause you’re a ghost...[...]unfortunate soul” bit) once more

“you’re shallow and empty and filled with regret” arguably all the todorokis feel this way. they all have things they regret at this point and all feel the emptiness that comes when there is a void in what is supposed to be a family. enji in particular has been shallow for a long time and still has issues with that.

“i think that chest must be heavy from that cross on your neck” the “cross” in this context is the weight that the todorokis each feel about what expectations they think they have to live up to/what worries them. obviously all the todoroki kids had/have the pressure to live up to enji’s expectations, but to get more precise: shouto and natsuo have the need to be more than “endeavor’s kids” on their chests, and shouto additionally has the pressures that come with being a hero course student; fuyumi has the dilemma of if she’s being too forgiving or not (and how that affects her loved ones) on her chest; dabi has the knowledge that he left behind his siblings and mother on his chest; enji has regret and dissatisfaction with his whole life on his chest; rei has the regret of what she did to her kids and the horrors of living with enji on her chest.

“you only wear cause you’re wary of what comes next after your death” why the todorokis hold on to their aforementioned “crosses”? they hold on bc its important to them that they carry reminders of who/what they want to be, or because they regret or are unsure of certain decisions, or because of nostalgia and a desire that things were different

“dont think i didn’t notice” this can be an outside perspective, but particularly im thinking midoriya because he’s met almost all of the todorokis now and has seen them at lows. very low lows in fact. thus,,,it can’t escape notice however it can also be the todorokis acknowledge the trauma and guilt that each other has; “takes one to know one” sort of thing

“dont think i didn’t notice/dont think i didn’t know/you’re just a po-o-o-or, poor unfortunate/so-o-o-oul, poor unfortunate/oh, oh, oh, oh poor unfortunate/so-o-o-oul, poor unfortunate” this line is kind’ve incoherent which is why i think it fits all of the todoroki’s thoughts; this is all of them thinking over each other about themselves and about the rest of their family

“and you’ve got it all/you’ve got it all wrong/no you’ve never known, known, known, known/you’re a poor unfortunate soul” once again, this is the todoroki’s thoughts overlapping each other, except these thoughts are exclusively about each other and not themselves

“dont think i didnt notice” definitely this is where the outside party comes in, at least for everyone but enji and dabi, as they have others that are there for them and they can talk to. as for enji and dabi, this line is still them thinking about the others

[sasorikigai]

100 days of headcanons:

Day 14: Work

Coping styles can be problem-focused—also called instrumental—or emotion-focused. Problem-focused coping strategies are typically associated with methods of dealing with the problem in order to reduce stress, while emotion-focused mechanisms can help people handle any feelings of distress that result from the problem. Hanzo is more likely to use work as the problem-focused method, as he actively becomes aware of his stressors and he uses his training, sparring and meditating daily routine to make for a conscious attempt to reduce stress. It is somewhat maladaptive in that they could often become counterproductive and have unintended negative consequences, as he would sink back into capriciousness, volatility, and deeply depressive, because of his preexisting insomnia (sleep deprived) as he struggles with nightmares and night terrors, and if it gets untreated and severe, suicide ideations.

Kuai also strenuously uses work as coping methods, but his is more geared towards emotional-focused in that delving deep into his duties and responsibilities help him to simply neglect and bury his emotions and pretends that they do not affect him. He is what I consider an enigma, because he appears phlegmatic, perhaps cold and unapproachable and indifferent to a lot of things, but he does have a heart of gold, with kindness and mercy as his grave weakness. Even when he has his own fair share of guilt that plunges him towards the fractured darkness, awash in the burning sunlight of Arctika’s ephemeral summer, Kuai Liang lets himself secluded and lives like a recluse in the harsh frigid landscape of desolate winter, both in order to meditate, self-punish himself by pushing his body beyond the the level of sub-zero and hone his cryomancy. 

For both, there is an unfathomable loneliness as the cup remains neither empty nor full (although Kuai Liang is much of an idealistic optimist, when Hanzo is an idealistic pessimist who still sees more than glimpses of hope and light in the horizon). And whatever the nature of their professional work may entitle; providing leadership amidst the Shirai Ryu and the Lin Kuei, overseeing training, directing advancements, sending warriors off to missions, also supervising their self-sufficient, other non-combative endeavors such as farming, gardening, raising cattle and other domestic animals for not only consumption, but selling them off to nearby villages. Also, their roles as Grandmasters and protectors of the Earthrealm heavily depends upon the diplomatic relationships between other clans (not only each other’s, but of Sky Temples, - Raiden and Fujin - White Lotus - Liu Kang, Kung Lao and other monks - and the Special Forces - Sonya Blade, Johnny Cage, both Briggs, Cassie Cage, etc. - and the likes of their solidified allegiances). After all that, they may settle with their own interests, further nurturing and developing them not only as Grandmasters, but as warriors and people who seek justice and goodness of the world. 

[reivenesque]

Thiam, H/C Fic - Heart of the Heartless [CH10]

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Melissa McCall really only had one long term goal in life, and that was to raise her son to be good, to be respectful and the best person he could possibly be. So she kept her head down, she did her job, she took care of her family no matter how hard the responsibility was on some days and how impossible the obstacle in her way always seemed to be. But through all the hardship and blood and the pain and the tears, the most important thing at the end of the day was the fact that she did a pretty damn good job at it if she could have said so herself.

Melissa McCall really only had one long term goal in life, and that was to raise her son to be good, to be respectful and the best person he could possibly be. So she kept her head down, she did her job, she took care of her family no matter how hard the responsibility was on some days and how impossible the obstacle in her way always seemed to be. But through all the hardship and blood and the pain and the tears, the most important thing at the end of the day was the fact that she did a pretty damn good job at it if she could have said so herself. 

But then the supernatural world punched its way into her life, elevating her stress levels and constantly testing the limits of her patience, but still she took it all in her stride.

Her son was a werewolf? Fine.

His girlfriend was a werewolf hunter? Fine.

The guy she dated turned out to be the evil Alpha that turned her son; who then went on to kill a bunch of people and proceeded to try kill him and his friend a few more times? Absolutely not fine, but she learned to compartmentalize. And all of a sudden the whole town turned into ground zero for the supernatural.

But as usual Melissa took it in her stride.

But then Allison died and Isaac left and she was left to pick up the broken pieces of her beloved son and comfort him when he cried himself to sleep at night for weeks; that’s when it really occurred to her that nothing about any of it was truly fine, but like with everything else in her life, she learned to cope. She put on a mask and she kept everything inside, she comforted Scott when he needed comfort; she comforted Stiles when he came by on the days when his mother’s loss was especially painful; she let Lydia cry on her shoulder when memories of Allison prevented her from closing her eyes to sleep without feeling the pain of the katana skewering her through the chest.

She embraced Liam almost immediately when she learned what Scott had done, but the anger and disappointment she felt towards her son immediately dissipated the moment she caught him wiping away the tears of guilt and shame that had pooled in the corner of his eyes. She knew Scott wouldn’t have done it if he had any other choice; she had faith in him because she raised him to be a good person and to do good always. She trusted Scott, but at the same time, she felt sympathy for Liam’s parents because she knew firsthand the feeling of helplessness that came along with being thrusted into the supernatural world so suddenly and without a safety net. She knew how unnerving it could be. Liam still hadn’t told his parents and every chance she got, she continued trying to convince him that telling his parents was the best course of action, but ultimately that choice was in Liam’s hands and no one else’s.

Theo on the other hand was a different matter entirely.

He killed Scott. He killed her baby and a part of Melissa knew that she would never be able to completely forgive him for what he’d done. So when the call came in from Scott telling her that they were taking Theo to the hospital; to her, Melissa was rightfully apprehensive.

She tried to instill only good qualities in Scott; to be good, to protect his friends, to help others when they couldn’t help themselves—and it was okay to retaliate with fists once in a while if it really came to it—but hearing the name Theo and seeing his face in her mind’s eye; remembering the horror of finding her only son dead in a pool of his own blood and knowing that it was Theo who did that; it was Theo who was the crux of every terrible thing that happened to her son at that time; in that moment, Melissa wasn’t sure she’d be able to practice her own preaching.

Her concern turned out to be unfounded and her fear ended up not manifesting itself, because the moment she laid eyes on Theo, the first time she heard his agonized scream and the first time she saw the tears of pain trickling down the side of his face, everything bad he’d done in the past just faded away into nothing and Melissa couldn’t see anything other than what was in front of her eyes: a young boy who was in agony.

Melissa wasn’t sure when it happened but she went from being a single mother of one beautiful son, to a single mother of a teenage werewolf, to a single mother of a gaggle of supernatural children. It wasn’t a position she’d signed up for but it was one she accepted with open arms, and she knew that the Sheriff and Chris Argent would deign to agree with her on that front.

That was why she did absolutely everything she could to keep Theo alive, to keep him from slipping away while everyone else worked on a cure.

It took her a while but eventually she managed to dig up fragments of memories of the young boy who came into the ER for a terrible asthma attack all those years ago. He reminded her so much of Scott that she made it her personal responsibility to treat him and take care of him for the duration of his stay, especially since she recalled that his parents didn’t show up to the ER to pick him up until almost four hours later. Even then it was his sister that rushed in to see him, his father only came in to sign the discharge papers and left to wait in the car without even checking up on his son first.

It was a classic sign of neglect and most likely abuse in some shape or form in Melissa’s opinion and she promised to keep an eye out for him any chance she could.

But she didn’t get the chance. Tara Raeken died a few months later and the whole family moved out of town before her body was even cold in the ground.

She couldn’t help but wonder; what if she’d managed to save him then, would things have still turned out the way they did? Would Theo have turned out the way he did? What if she could have done something then but was lost her chance the moment he stepped out the door? What if. What if. What if.

Melissa taught Scott to never get hung up on the what if’s, but there she was doing exactly that.

In the end, it was the combination of everyone’s effort that saved Theo and Melissa was so relieved by the end she almost cried. She did cry—right into Chris’s chest. It was as strange as it was comforting, and she’d always accepted that the chance to find happiness with another person most likely had passed her by. It almost happened with the Sheriff once upon a time ago, but that sadly ended up going nowhere, and all of a sudden Chris Argent was standing right in front of her like he’d been there the entire time and she’d only just noticed.

Her motherly instincts and her intuition, honed by years of being a single mother to a young boy and his rambunctious best friend that at some point she’d just kind of accepted as one of her own, were two of the qualities she took great pride in. So her own obliviousness to what was happening right in front of her eyes was unnerving to say the least, and she wasn’t just talking about Chris Argent in that case.

Liam was Scott’s beta, which meant that his bond with Scott was inevitably different than the bond Scott had with everyone else in his pack, even Stiles. Melissa knew that, she noticed that a long time ago, or rather, she recognized it as the parental sort of connection she had with her son and all of his friends.

How Theo fit into the equation wasn’t something that was outright obvious, but it came to her as a gradual realization. She knew the connection Theo had with Scott—for better or for worse—but seeing the way Liam was with Theo when all the craziness was going on… well, that opened her eyes to something she never would have guessed if the proof wasn’t staring her dead in the face.

She didn’t say anything because it wasn’t her place, especially because from the way Liam was acting, it didn’t seem like he’d even realized it himself.

She managed to keep Theo alive, though barely, and Deaton with the help of the pack managed to come up with a cure. But even though Theo seemed to have escaped his fate of dying a terrible death from an unexplained supernatural cause, it didn’t mean that everything else was magically healed, especially whatever it was that had developed between him and Liam.

No one noticed but her, not even the two boys in question and Melissa definitely wasn’t going to be the one to point it out.

Having Theo move in had been Scott’s idea right off the bat and despite her initial apprehension regarding the boy, Melissa really couldn’t find any reason to argue; after all it worked out for everyone involved, and it was definitely as much to her benefit as it was to Theo’s. Not that Theo was going to be in anyway a replacement for Scott, but truth be told, Melissa definitely had not been looking forward to coming home to an empty house after Scott left for college, and judging by the progression of things, Theo was definitely not the only person she’d be coming home to at night.

The day of Theo’s release and subsequent move in was uneventful, if not just downright awkward.

No one really knew what to say or how to react, especially when Theo came back down the stairs with Liam trudging after him a few seconds later. Melissa was sure no one else noticed, but the boys definitely looked far too disheveled and red in the face for a couple of people who’d sat around talking, but it was none of her business so she let it slide.

Scott put in effort to keep the situation lighthearted, acting as the intermediary between Theo and the rest of the pack; Mason quickly taking his cue from Scott on how to handle the situation, telling stories about one intense thing or other—his words. Malia sat perched on the armrest of the sofa glancing intermittently in Theo’s direction, though her gaze went unnoticed by Theo who sat in the single seater sofa nursing a cup of coffee but not actually drinking any of it. Liam was doing the exact same thing from the sofa next to him.

Eventually the guests started thinning out one by one until it was only Melissa, Scott, Theo and Liam left in the house, and the sudden silence that fell was quite apparent.

“Do you need a ride home?” Scott asked Liam, who looked up suddenly and in such bewilderment, Melissa didn’t think he even remembered where he was for a split second.

“You should go home, Liam,” she said, “If just for tonight. You haven’t gone back to your house in more than a week and I’m running out of excuses to give to your dad when I meet him in the hall.”

Liam glanced anxiously between Melissa and Scott before settling his gaze on Theo who was once again avoiding eye contact.

“I… I—uh… I think I should, maybe… stay, just for tonight,” he said, “Just in case… you know, just in case something happens.” That statement attracted Theo’s attention and both of them kept the silent eye contact for a long minute, completely forgetting the presence of the other two people in the room.

“Liam,” Scott started and Melissa noted with great pride that she could recognize the tone in his voice; she’d used the same tone herself many times on Scott and Stiles.

Liam’s immediate counter was just as familiar; the pleading undertone that she’d grown used to hearing as a parent over the years. “C’mon, Scott, please. Just for the night.”

Scott just sighed and immediately turned his attention back to Melissa, who could do no more than shrug in response, though the small grin on her face told stories about her own experience as a parent not being able to say no to such a pitiful begging face, because that was the exact look Liam was wearing at that moment.

“Fine,” Scott said finally with an exasperated sigh.

If Liam could tackle Scott with just the relief radiating off him, Melissa was sure Scott would have been on his ass in two seconds flat. But she didn’t get the chance to test out that theory because Liam immediately lunged forward, grabbed a bewildered Theo by the wrist and tugged him with determination up the stairs, disappearing behind the wall on the second floor and out of sight before the sound of a bedroom door slamming close reached their ears.

Scott’s eyebrows were in his hairline when he turned to gape confusedly at Melissa, and Melissa could only laugh, reaching over to pat him on the shoulder while assuring him that everything was going to be all right.

If Melissa had any doubts whatsoever as to the validity of her suspicion, they were quickly dashed when she went to wake Theo and Liam up for breakfast the next morning and found them both asleep on the duvet of the bed, fully clothed and with their backs to each other, but in such close proximity she was sure they were feeling each other’s heart beating during the night.

She stepped back out into the hall and pulled the door close without making a sound. She made a mental reminder to leave them a note to help themselves to the food before she left for work. Scott would be gone for the day since Stiles was back in town for the weekend and they were busy trying to figure out the long term problem of where they were going to live together once Scott moved out and Stiles finished his internship.

Both of them were still asleep when she left for work that afternoon and if Melissa thought she was finally going to have an easy, stress-free day after the hectic week trying to prevent Theo from dying a horrible death, well… she was dead wrong.

Dr. Geyer’s stern, concerned face was the first sight that greeted her when she walked through the door.

“Liam called to tell me that he was staying over at your house last night?” was the first thing out of his mouth before Melissa could even take a breath to prepare herself. But luckily the man didn’t seem to be looking for an answer or a confirmation otherwise because he continued without waiting for her response. “He’s been staying over at Mason’s for a week without once dropping by at home to see us or tell us what’s going on—to let us know that he’s okay. And now he’s at your house? What’s really going on?”

Melissa exhaled once, reaching over to weave her arm around his and beckoning him down the quieter hall away from the crowd. “Firstly, he’s absolutely fine, if that’s what got you worried; it’s nothing to do with Liam personally, just… uh… a friend of his.”

“Is that why you’ve been disappearing to god knows where every ten minutes or so the past week?” he asked, drawing Melissa’s full attention. “Yeah, I noticed,” he added.

“It’s… it’s complicated. It’s nothing—” she was about to say the word dangerous but decided against it because that would have been an outright lie, “—against the law, if you’re worried about that. Or if you’re worried that is had something to do with Liam’s I.E.D. As a matter of fact, I feel like it’s actually helping him get that under control. But…”

“But it’s one of those things that you can’t explain?” he interjected. “Like how you managed to figure out what was wrong with the Sheriff even though absolutely no one else would have thought of that possible scenario? Or how you seem to be in the loop of every bizarre, unexplained thing that’s happened in Beacon Hills since I’ve been here?”

“Well… yeah,” she said simply. “It’s not that I don’t want to tell you but… it’s… it’s complicated.”

“And now it has something to do with Liam?”

“Well, it’s not to do with Liam specifically… but it involves him—or rather, it involves the bond he has with the person who’s actually involved.”

“But you can’t tell me?” he asked with a disappointed sigh.

“It’s not that I don’t want to, as a parent there’s nothing I want to do more, but… it’s just not my place. The only thing I can do is assure you that whatever is it you’re imagining, it’s not that, and if you’re concerned about Liam getting into trouble because of it, you don’t have to be. Like I said, it’s one of those moments that will make you proud as a parent. Just… the only thing I can really tell you is that Liam’s friend needs him right now, and Liam’s been his only source of comfort. Just… take reassurance in that. I know he’ll explain everything to you when he’s ready.”

Dr. Geyer just sighed, rubbing his face with his palm but he didn’t look exceptionally upset or angry which was a good enough sign.

“I’m taking your word on that, Melissa,” he said finally. “I just hope I don’t end up regretting it.”

“You won’t,” she said. Just before the doctor turned to walk away, she called him back again. “Also, it’s likely that Liam will want to stay over for a bit longer—I’ll do my best to get him to go home, but I can’t make any promises.”

Dr. Geyer sighed again. “Fine. Just… just take care of him, make sure he doesn’t get into too much trouble. I’ll figure out something to say to the missus.”

“You’re a good man,” Melissa said with a proud smile, which caused the doctor to let out a disgusted groan.

“I honestly don’t know what it is about this town,” he said. “I think it might be haunted.” And if he noticed Melissa letting out a nervous laugh at the comment, he didn’t point it out.

The rest of the day thankfully when on without a hitch and by the time Melissa finished her shift nearing the three a. m. mark, she was more invigorated than tired. It was probably because she was used to dealing with problems of the supernatural kind that all the mundane ailments that passed through the ER seemed like a cake walk in the park.

Scott had called to tell her than he and Stiles were staying the night in the next town because Roscoe has unsurprisingly broken down and this time there wasn’t enough duct tape in the compartment that could get it to start. So when Melissa finally reached home not fifteen minutes later, the silent presence sitting in the dark at the dining table startled her more than she cared to admit.

“Sorry,” Theo said, his voice monotone, only his eyes were illuminated by the brightness of the streetlight shining in through the window.

“It’s okay,” she said. “I just wasn’t expecting anyone to be up.”

“Liam’s asleep,” he said, “and I just needed… I mean—I just needed… I don’t know…”

“You needed some space? Some time to think?” Melissa offered. Theo nodded. “That’s understandable.”

Melissa shrugged off her jacket and put her bag off to the side and walked over to take a seat across the table from Theo, not bothering to turn on the light. It wasn’t completely dark and it seemed like the darkness and the silence was something Theo sought out.

“How are you feeling?” she asked.

“I’m fine,” he said, probably a little too quick for her liking.

“How’s Liam?” she continued. That got Theo’s full attention.

“He’s…” he started, trailing off into an awkward silence but Melissa didn’t push him. “He’s… confusing.”

That comment made Melissa smile. “Teenage boys always are,” she said. “Though I shouldn’t say that considering you’re a teenage boy yourself,” she added. “Has it occurred to you that perhaps he finds you just as confusing in return?” Theo didn’t answer but Melissa could see that her words did seem to get him to think. “I think I’m going to make some tea, would you like some?”

“Sure.” Theo answered without turning to look at her; instead he suddenly seemed to find the groove of the table surface far more interesting; picking at it absentmindedly with his fingernail.

Melissa went about her business in silence. The only source of light was what streamed in through the window from the bright crescent moon hanging in the sky and the streetlight at the end of her yard, but she managed to navigate around the kitchen, making sure to double check that the sugar container she reached for indeed contained sugar, all while completely aware of every movement Theo made in her periphery.

Liam didn’t at any point come stumbling down the stairs looking for Theo so Melissa safely assumed that he was still blissfully lost in the throes of sleep.

The whole situation was bizarre to say the least and the feeling didn’t lessen any way she brought the two cups back to the table, resuming her seat opposite Theo and staring silently at him as she took a sip from her steaming cup. The heat of the liquid going down her throat was a welcomed distraction.

“Have you given any thought about what you want to do?” she asked finally. “College or work or… I don’t know; supernatural vigilante crime fighter? Beacon Hills is going to need one once Scott goes off to become an adult.”

That dragged out a chuckle from Theo though he smothered it almost immediately. He just shrugged nonchalantly.

“It’s not my place to ask, but I’m going to ask it anyway; what about your parents? The—uh, the people you moved back here with… they weren’t your real parents were they?” Theo seemed to shrink into himself but the small shake of his head was still noticeable to Melissa’s keen senses. “May I ask... what… what happened to them—your real parents I mean?”

Theo stayed silent, though he seemed to be giving the question some thought. “The Doctors,” he said. “They—uh… they… they said they took care of it,” he added. “They were never much as parents to anyone anyway.”

“I kind of figured,” Melissa muttered; she didn’t mean to say it aloud but it slipped out anyway and immediately piqued Theo’s attention because he turned up to look at her almost immediately but it didn’t seem like a topic he intended to pursue so both of them just let it slide.

“Thanks, for—for letting me stay,” he said, “You and Scott both. I know you didn’t have to offer and I promise to find some other arrangements as soon as possible.”

That made Melissa’s own heart lurch a little which didn’t escape Theo’s notice and she was quick to cover it up. “I won’t stop you if you really want to leave, but just know that you’re welcome to stay for as long as you want.” She made sure to say want, as opposed to need, because she didn’t want him to feel like he had an obligation to do one thing or another in that case. “Besides, Scott is leaving in a week and… and—well, I guess I’m just not looking forward to coming back to an empty nest; at least, not yet.”

Theo nodded in understanding. “Okay,” he said.

“Okay,” Melissa mimicked with a smile.

That was the last thing they said for the rest of the night.

At least, for the next couple of hours before Scott all of a sudden appeared at the kitchen entrance, switching on the light without prior warning, plunging the whole area in brightness and blinding both Melissa and Theo for a solid fifteen minutes after.

Theo eventually excused himself back to his room and Melissa watched in silent intrigue as he slowly ascended the staircase and disappeared down the hall.

Scott’s bemused assessment of; “There’s something weird going on with him and Liam,” was met by an amused laughter but Melissa didn’t care to elaborate. Scott would realize it himself in due time.

She didn’t know what happened between the time Theo left her after their enlightening talk and the moment she stepped in to wake them later that morning, but it was most likely something good; because once again she found them both asleep on the duvet of the bed, still full clothed. But instead of their backs being to each other, looking at the opposite ends of the room, she found Theo on his side facing the far end of the room and Liam curled up against his back, his arm slung across his chest and holding him near in sleep.

She stepped back out into the hallway as she’d done just the morning before, but this time she couldn’t help the small smile that tugged at her lips as she slowly pulled the door closed with a soft click.

She made sure to tell Scott not to disturb the boys before she left, and the progressively confused expression on Scott’s face did nothing more than amuse her.

“You’ll understand eventually,” she said as she pulled the front door close behind her; leaving Scott’s pitiful whine of; “Mom!” unanswered in her wake.

Tbc.

[sweet-christabel]

A Trusted Friend In Science

FF.net: (x) AO3: (x)

A/N: Sorry, that break dragged on longer than I intended. I’ve been working pretty solidly on original stuff, so that took priority for a while. Then one of my fiancé’s friends unexpectedly passed away, so we’ve been dealing with that, which has been pretty much as you’d expect.  J.P., you never played Portal, and frankly this would be an odd choice of chapter to dedicate to you, but I’m here saluting you on the internet regardless. Take care, mate.

Chapter Thirty-Six - 2035. Married To Science.

The car cut a clear path through the wheat field, a straight line leading out from the ruins of main reception. The field was much greener than it had been when Chell had seen it last, the wheat looking withered and badly in need of care. Although the outskirts of the field had looked trimmed and tidy from where the citizens of Ishpeming had harvested their crops, the rest was a sea of neglect.

Chell and Doug stood balanced on the backseats of Gordon’s modified Jeep, eyes peeled for the tiny shed that would let them into Aperture’s hidden world. Chell blinked, her eyes watering from the wind. The air had a cold bite to it that thankfully hadn’t been there when she’d emerged before, barefoot and injured. As she cleared her vision, a shape appeared on the horizon.

“There,” she called, pointing.

Gordon twisted to glance up at her, amending his steering to head in the direction she was indicating.

Doug turned his head to look, having been scouting more to the left. His face registered his anticipation and wariness in equal measure. She knew exactly how he felt.

With the direction set, Gordon picked up speed, and Chell tightened her grip on the car’s chassis. The wind blew her loose strands of hair out of her face and sent her faded flannel shirt flapping, making her wish she’d buttoned it up. The long-sleeved t-shirt she wore underneath wasn’t keeping the chill out.  

Her charred companion cube still sat outside the hut, nestled in a square dent in the wheat where she’d moved it to stand on. Gordon stopped the car not far from it, and Chell jumped down, walking over to look at it. She wasn’t really sure why, but it made her feel a brief flutter of guilt that it had been left to vanish into the field, and she considered taking it back inside. Then common sense took over, and she stepped away.

She and Doug stood side by side for a long moment, simply staring at the battered corrugated surface of the shed and the perfectly normal-looking warning signs on the door. Behind them, Kleiner started to speak, but was quickly shushed by Gordon, who seemed to understand something of what they were feeling. Chell wondered if he would have felt the same returning to Black Mesa.

With a soft sigh, she stepped forward, halting an arm’s reach from the door. She glanced back at Doug, the question plain to see on her face. She wouldn’t make any move unless they were both sure. His jaw tensed for a moment, but then he decisively nodded. Chell lifted her hand and knocked.

The door sprung open almost immediately, making her step back. An elevator rose into view in the glass tube ahead, its curved door sliding open invitingly.

Chell hesitated, her heart pounding. Doug stepped up to her side, looking down at her with an openly apprehensive expression. There was determination in it too, and she knew he was going ahead with or without her. Well, there was no way she’d let it be without her.

She slipped her hand in his, gripping it tight. He squeezed back. Together, they stepped through the door.

It closed with a solid clang once Gordon and Kleiner had followed, and Chell tried not to reflect on how ominous it sounded. She let them enter the elevator first, so that she and Doug were facing the door. She closed her eyes briefly as it began to descend, then let them drift open, calm washing over her as she slipped into her usual Aperture state of mind.

She barely registered Kleiner’s exclamations of surprise and awe as the journey gave them glimpses of the dark expanse between test chambers. She gazed at the all-too-familiar view of distant green-tinted lights and hanging cables, the insane but impressive sight of what the scientists had built and GLaDOS had expanded. It was another world entirely, one far removed from fields and dirt and storms, from people and politics. With a pang of dismay, she realised that what she’d feared was proving true, one of the many reasons she hadn’t wanted to return.

I feel safe here.

Much of her most recent time at Aperture had, of course, been the furthest thing from safe, but the familiarity of its sterile smell and cold, subterranean air was almost reassuring. In the facility, she fitted in. She didn’t have to worry about finding a place in the world, or feel inadequate at what her experiences had done to her body, (which was, ironically, Aperture’s fault anyway). She’d already made a place for herself, first as an assistant, then as a test subject. Despite everything she’d been through, despite how hard she’d fought to escape, there was a traitorous feeling of comfort in coming back.

Shaken, she glanced up at Doug. He tilted his head to look at her, his blue eyes full of alarm, grim acceptance right behind it. Chell let out a breath, relief flooding her senses as she saw the same struggle in him. He understood. He felt the same way. She didn’t need her head examining. Or at least, if she did, he did too.

The elevator sank down into illumination that was almost dazzling after the dim light of the lift shaft. GLaDOS’s chamber looked exactly the same. Its curved wall of panels was dark, but the room was lit brightly. GLaDOS herself hadn’t changed either. Her amber optic appraised them calmly as the elevator descended.

“Welcome back,” she said, her tone carefully free of anything that might have been called sarcasm or sincerity.

Chell had forgotten how intimidating she could be in person, and she wished she could have seen Gordon and Kleiner’s reactions. The elevator doors slid open, and she and Doug stepped out. It was surprisingly strange to stand on the floor of her chamber and not be wearing long-fall boots.

“The mute lunatic,” the A.I. went on, “and the rat man.”

“Hello, GLaDOS,” Doug said levelly, his voice quiet.

“I see you left the moron behind. Thanks for that.”

Chell had never dignified her with a single answer before, and the words stuck in her throat, going against every instinct she’d honed as a test subject. She pushed through, rattling out small talk as if GLaDOS was a stranger at a party, and conversation was mandatory.

“It’s nice to have some peace and quiet,” she made herself say. Then she glanced at Kleiner. “Well, sort of.”

GLaDOS’s chassis moved back a touch at the sound of her voice. The yellow gaze scrutinised her for a long moment, and Chell wondered what she was thinking. If past experiences were anything to go by, there was little chance of GLaDOS passing up the opportunity to make a snide comment.

“Well,” the A.I. said at last, “I guess I’ll have to think up a new name for you.”

“You could use my actual name,” Chell replied nonchalantly. “I know you have it on my file.”

GLaDOS ignored her, tilting her head to look at Gordon and Kleiner. “And you must be the…Black Mesa scientists.”

Her hesitation before speaking the name was small but noticeable. Aperture’s rivalry was so deeply ingrained that Chell doubted she could help herself.

“Yes,” Gordon answered with a brief throat-clearing cough. “Gordon Freeman and Isaac Kleiner. Pleased to meet you.”

Kleiner seemed to have been thrown into a blissful, (and no doubt temporary), bout of silence, his face a picture of wonder and concentration as he studied GLaDOS.

“Hmm,” said GLaDOS.

Gordon began a diplomatic and carefully thought out speech about how Black Mesa’s Artificial Intelligence department had fallen woefully short compared to Aperture’s, but Kleiner interrupted him with a torrent of enthusiastic babble and half-formed questions that appeared to take even GLaDOS aback.

Chell felt a surprising pang of sympathy for her. She had likely never experienced attention of that sort. It could take some getting used to.

“All right, stop,” the A.I. ordered after a moment.

Kleiner obediently did.

“While it comes as no surprise that Black Mesa never produced technology like this, I actually do have things to do with my time. So if you could limit your…fawning…to fewer syllables, I think we’d all be grateful.”

Rather than being discouraged by GLaDOS’s habitual spiky remarks, Kleiner let out a delighted laugh.

“Certainly, certainly. My apologies. It’s just…well, I would have given my right arm to work on a project like you!”

“That could be arranged.”

Kleiner laughed again. “Wonderful!”

GLaDOS’s optic blinked, then turned to the others.

Gordon gave a wry smile. “Yes, he’s always like that. You get used to it.”

“Do I have to?” GLaDOS asked, hopefully rhetorically.

Doug took the opportunity to take half a step forward. “GLaDOS, perhaps we could talk about why we came here?”

“By all means,” she said, rotating lazily to face him. “Tell me why you went to all the trouble of escaping only to come back here after a mere three months, despite the fact that I very specifically told one of you not to.”

Chell shrugged off the comment. “Give me a break. We destroyed the Borealis for you.”

GLaDOS acknowledged that with a bob of her head. “Yes. So talk.”

“I, uh, have a favour to ask,” Doug began, stumbling only slightly over the words. “In exchange for a favour.”

“A favour for a favour?” GLaDOS repeated, tilting her head thoughtfully. “There’s nothing I want from you, Rat Man.”

“Actually, I think there is,” Doug retorted, his voice gaining confidence. “The testing euphoria. I know you’ve found a way to live with it, but it’s still there, isn’t it? It still drives you crazy. And the rewards at the end of a test aren’t worth the withdrawal any more, are they?”

GLaDOS reared back a little as he went on, her optic wide.

Chell stepped up to Doug’s side, adding her own voice to the argument. “You told me it gets unbearable. Let Doug delete it from your programming. Do science on your own terms, not because you’re written that way.”

GLaDOS seemed to have been rendered uncharacteristically silent, which Chell thought was a good sign. She was taking the offer seriously, at least.

“What is testing euphoria?” Kleiner asked in a loud whisper, only to once again be hushed by Gordon.

“And in return?” the A.I. asked finally.

“You gave me a huge supply of my meds,” Doug said earnestly, “and I’m grateful for that, I am, but…after those five years are up, I don’t know what I’ll do. I’m here to ask…please, I need the formula, so I can try and make it myself. You know as well as I do, Aperture meds aren’t like the ones big pharma produces. And to be honest, pharmaceuticals aren’t what they were before the war. If you have the formula on the database…please may I have a copy?”

The following silence was strained. Chell felt Doug’s tension, how rigidly he was holding his composure. He was pinning all his hopes on one gamble, and she wasn’t sure what he would do if it came to nothing.

“No,” said GLaDOS succinctly.

Doug let out a shaky breath, and Chell gripped his arm in support, shooting her a quick glare.

“There’s something else you can have,” GLaDOS went on.

In unison, Doug and Chell glanced up at her in confusion.

“I took up a hobby after you left,” she told them casually. “Monitoring the cooperative testing initiative wasn’t enough to keep me occupied, so I started working on something else on the side. Testing with robots isn’t the same, you know. I mean, look at them.”

She summoned a monitor from the ceiling, showing a half-solved test chamber. The two bipedal robots that Chell had briefly seen before her quick exit were chattering to each other, communicating where portals needed to be placed, then executing the tasks without hesitation. They were impressively efficient.

“So predictable,” GLaDOS lamented with a sigh, “even after I had them reprogrammed to imitate human behaviour.”

Kleiner and Gordon were watching with obvious interest, so she left the monitor where it was.

“You mean,” Chell ventured, seeking clarification, “they’re…too good at solving tests?”

“I mean it isn’t science if the results play out exactly as you predicted every time. Where’s the fun in that? But I’ll get on to that in a moment.” She turned her optic to Doug. “Rat Man…if you help me get rid of the last voice in my head…I’ll do the same in return.”

Doug narrowed his eyes at her, his uncertainty evident, but he automatically reached for the container she lowered on a claw.

“Take one of these every morning and evening for six months, and report to me for electrotherapy once a week.”

“Electrotherapy?” Chell parroted in alarm.

Doug looked up from reading the label, his eyes wide. “Is this…have you…found a cure for schizophrenia?”

“It’s easy to figure out, assuming you have a complete understanding of the human brain and its many complexities. But every brain is different. This cure is just tailored to yours. It would have to be made on a case by case basis.”

“How?” Doug stammered. “It’s not possible.”

“Just because humans never solved the problem doesn’t mean it’s unsolvable. As a scientist, you should know that,” GLaDOS chided imperiously.

“How?” he repeated. “Why?”

“I was bored.”

“Did you make any other cures?” Gordon asked her. His tone was that of polite interest, but Chell knew he was thinking of humanity’s depleted medical supplies.

“Some,” GLaDOS answered. “Just a few simple ones. The common cold, malaria, type 1 diabetes, cancer. Humans are so…delicate.”

Gordon’s eyes widened as her list went on, but he said nothing else.

“You wouldn’t do this out of mere boredom,” Chell said with certainty. “What else is going on?”

“You told Wheatley you wanted to speak to us,” Doug reminded her.

GLaDOS imitated a sigh. “Yes. I did say that.”

They waited with forced patience while the A.I. considered her next words.

“You ignored what I asked you to do, Rat Man,” she spoke up.

Doug looked up at her sharply, but his voice was calm. “I did what I thought was best.”

“Thank you.”

Chell raised her eyebrows in surprise, glancing at Doug. He looked equally stunned, but tried to cover it with a nod.

“You were right, deleting Caroline would have been…a mistake. But with her memories repressed, I can think clearly. What you did took away her emotional response. I can reflect on what happened without becoming…overwhelmed.”

Her words were hesitant, reminding Chell of Caroline herself. Doug’s theory that GLaDOS had found balance with the human part of herself seemed to ring true.

“In your absence,” GLaDOS continued, “I was forced to come to a somewhat annoying conclusion.”

“Oh?” Chell said curiously.

“Aperture Science…needs humans.” She spat out the words as if they tasted foul.

Chell exchanged a glance with Doug, seeing the concern behind his placid expression. At the back of her mind, she couldn’t recall if their agreement with GLaDOS had included the guarantee of their leaving the facility.

“Caroline had big dreams for this place,” GLaDOS said, sounding surprisingly wistful. “When she got the job as Mr. Johnson’s assistant, she thought she’d be in the perfect position to make them happen. Instead, his crazy ideas got her killed. But,” she added grudgingly, “since I’m here, now, I guess I can’t fault his decision.”

“What dreams?” Doug asked gently.

“She was only nineteen when she first came here, did you know that?” At their head-shakes, she carried on with her narration. “She was one of many secretaries, tasked with typing up documents. It was beneath her, but she used it as a stepping stool. After three years, Mr. Johnson’s assistant quit. Caroline had a friend who put her forward for the job. Mr. Johnson didn’t take her interview seriously because she was young and a woman, but then she told him the truth about her opinion of Aperture’s products. She thought they weren’t good enough, she thought a company with so many resources should be dreaming bigger than shower curtains. She thought they could change the world, make it better somehow, so she told him her ideas. He hired her on the spot. Do you know what those ideas were?” She paused for more head-shakes. “She thought the elevator ride into the salt mine was too long, reducing productivity. It’s common knowledge that the quickest route from point A to point B is a straight line. She wanted to find a way to travel from point A to point B by making them the same point.”

“Portals,” Doug spoke aloud. “They were Caroline’s idea?”

“They were,” GLaDOS confirmed. “They took a few years to perfect, but they got there. Although Mr. Johnson never authorised them for staff use. He had…other ideas.”

“So Caroline steered Cave Johnson onto the path that led to…well, all of this,” Chell said, gesturing to their surroundings and including GLaDOS in it.

“Ironically, yes. She thought she was doing what was best to turn the company into what she imagined it could be. But Mr. Johnson was a force of nature that could not be contained. She found that out soon enough.”

“Did Cave Johnson really die of lunar poisoning?” Chell asked bluntly.

“No,” GLaDOS replied at once. “It was poisoning that killed him, but the moon rocks were harmless.”

“Why did she do it?” Doug said, his words holding an appropriate amount of sensitivity.

“He took something irreplaceable from her.”

Her rapt audience remained quiet, waiting for her to continue. Even Kleiner was silent, his eyes wide as he listened.

“Caroline’s job was crazy and stressful, and she often saw things she wished she hadn’t,” GLaDOS told them. “But at the end of the day, she went home to her husband, a man who never failed to make her smile and cheer her up. When she became his assistant, Mr. Johnson told her she was expected to be completely dedicated, to have no other distractions in her life.”

“Married to science,” Chell said, thinking aloud, remembering the pre-recorded messages she’d heard down in the remains of old Aperture.

‘Sorry fellas, she’s married. To Science!’

“Precisely. Caroline never revealed that she had a husband. Giving him up would have been the logical thing to do, but she couldn’t.”

“She loved him?” Doug said softly.

“I suppose you could call it that. Science was always the greatest love in her life,” GLaDOS told them, the revelation coming as no surprise. “It drove her to accomplish great things, but the price was that she had to leave her morals behind. The knowledge of what she did – what she knew she could do – was why she needed Freddie. He made her feel human again, reminded her that she cared. He kept her grounded, kept her from becoming too much like Mr. Johnson. She needed a part of her life that was far removed from this place.”

Chell felt a flicker of sympathy. It was a familiar story. She’d seen her father take the same path, only she hadn’t been enough to keep him from giving everything to Aperture.

“Mr. Johnson was…compelling,” GLaDOS went on. “It was difficult to be around him and not get drawn into his world. His visions of the future were unlike anything Caroline had ever imagined. She couldn’t not be a part of creating it. And he needed her.”

That much had been made abundantly clear by the recordings down in old Aperture. Chell wondered about that bright, enthusiastic Caroline she’d heard, whether her passion had been genuine or forced for the sake of Cave and his messages.

“For years, it worked pretty well,” said GLaDOS. “She was capable enough that Mr. Johnson never suspected, or even took an interest in her life outside the facility. But he found out eventually. It was around the time that he was starting to look into artificial intelligence. The concept of me was on the horizon, but he had no way of realising it yet. He started small, with prototypes of the technology that would eventually create the moron.” Her voice took on a slight sneer at the word. “One day Caroline went into work to find Mr. Johnson very excited about a brand new prototype A.I. that he’d had the lab boys create. In artificial intelligence terms, it wasn’t much. Its sentience was low at best, and it mostly did what it was programmed to, but he’d succeeded in capturing a sense of the personality of its base. The mind-mapping process had killed the test subject, but it was a step in the right direction as far as Mr. Johnson was concerned.”

Chell gazed up at her in horror, knowing exactly where the story was going. GLaDOS noticed her expression and bobbed her head.

“Yes,” she acknowledged passively. “He’d taken Caroline’s husband.”                

Chell covered her mouth with her hand, taking the knowledge in. “I knew he was probably insane, but…I had no idea it extended to something so…malicious.”

“In his mind, he’d simply solved a small problem. Freddie was in the way of Caroline’s work. He needed her work, so…”

“He had to go,” Doug finished, looking appalled.

“Yes. And grief makes people do extreme things. Although it was not purely for revenge that Caroline did what she did,” GLaDOS said defensively, “she was also worried that the same thing might happen to someone else. Of course, it backfired on her in the end.”

“I do not approve of the lady’s actions,” Kleiner spoke up, “but one can certainly understand them.”

GLaDOS nodded to him in response.

“Did Cave suspect her?” Doug asked. “Is that why he put her forward for this project?”

“No, he never suspected a thing. His mind didn’t work in the same way as other people. His only thought was to protect his legacy, and he knew Caroline was the one to do it if he didn’t survive long enough to do it himself.”

“Why didn’t she cancel the project after he died?” Gordon asked, arms folded as he listened to the story.

“She tried,” GLaDOS explained, “but Mr. Johnson had had paperwork drawn up and had forged her signature on the consent form. It was water-tight and very complicated. She could have found a way out of it, but not without upsetting a lot of investors, which would have shut the company down for sure. She chose to keep it running, and in the end…she accepted her fate. The project took so long to get off the ground, she had plenty of time. Those final years were her chance to set Aperture on the road she’d always wanted to travel, but she was distracted by the progress in artificial intelligence. Eventually, she would have found a way to get Freddie back, I’m sure. If she’d had the time. As it is, she still has some part of him.”

Chell glanced at her, puzzled. The speaker system emitted a soft beep.

“All reactor core functions are normal,” the announcer declared cheerfully. “Have a good day!”

Chell’s eyes widened in shock. Beside her, Doug seemed equally stunned.

“Is there any way to…save him?” he asked, stumbling a little over the terminology.

“No,” GLaDOS replied, her impassive tones hiding whatever opinion she might hold on the subject. “There isn’t enough information in the databanks, and he isn’t sentient.” She flicked her optic up in the direction of the speaker. “Perhaps I could rebuild a fully artificial version in time, but…I’m not sure who that would really benefit. Caroline’s guilt might be eased, but that’s all.”

“I think it could be done,” Kleiner said excitedly, raising a hand. “With patience and time, and the right foundation. You said yourself, nothing is unsolvable.”

GLaDOS studied him in silence. Chell thought she was pondering the scientist’s words, but it was difficult to tell.

“Perhaps,” she said at last. “But this leads me to my point. Testing with robots isn’t making any progress. Aperture needs humans.”

Chell opened her mouth to protest, but GLaDOS went on without a pause.

“I don’t just mean as test subjects. I mean staff.”

Objection dying in her throat, Chell halted, dumbfounded.

“But,” Doug started, jaw clenched, “you had staff. You killed them all.”

“It was a mistake,” said GLaDOS. “I was young, I was angry, I wanted revenge. I didn’t know myself at all, but now I do. You were right when you said I didn’t need the testing euphoria. Science is enough. I want this facility to function again, the way Caroline wanted it to. Humanity is depleted after…whatever that was up there. If I want people to work here, I need to make sure they’re in top condition. That’s why I started creating the cures.” She indicated the bottle that was still clutched in Doug’s hand. “That will work. You’ll be free of your voices and hallucinations. Forever. Then perhaps…you’ll consider working here again.”

Chell looked at Doug, seeing his astonished expression, and feeling as if she wore a similar one. It was so much to take in, she wasn’t sure where to start.

“And you…Chell.”

At the sound of her name, she turned to meet the A.I.’s amber gaze.

“The two of you worked so hard to bring this place down. Help me rebuild it the way it should be.”

She wasn’t sure if it was GLaDOS or Caroline who was asking. She suspected there was no longer a difference between the two.

“We need to think,” Doug told her, and Chell nodded her agreement.

“Let us go back to our friends and discuss it,” she said, “and we’ll return tomorrow with an answer.”

GLaDOS reluctantly acquiesced.

“Um…excuse me,” Kleiner said with a polite cough. “I would like to stay and see some of the facility, if I may.”

“Isaac,” Gordon began with a heavy sigh.

“I don’t know if you included me in your offer,” the older man went on regardless, “but I would very much like to work here! Perhaps a merging of Aperture and Black Mesa is just what humanity needs.”

“Of course,” Gordon mumbled under his breath.

GLaDOS peered down at Kleiner in apparent surprise.

“The Borealis was a remarkable piece of technology,” he added with eagerness, “and I understand that it actually fell short of Aperture’s usual standards, which amazes me.”

“You may stay and see the facility,” GLaDOS said firmly, “and I’ll think about the rest.”

“Excellent!” Turning to the others, he beamed. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”

Gordon waved a dismissive hand. “Fine. See you tomorrow.”

Chell glanced uncertainly from Kleiner to GLaDOS, but she wasn’t overly concerned. Not as she might have been an hour or so before. She followed Gordon and Doug into the elevator, sending the A.I. a courteous nod before they were whisked upwards.

“Well,” said Doug after a moment’s silence.

“Well,” Chell repeated.

“We have a lot to think about,” Doug added in a rather spectacular understatement.

She nodded gravely. “We do.”

Gordon let them have their silence on the journey back to Ishpeming. When they arrived, he left them alone while he went to update Alyx. They were still sitting in the back of the car when evening fell.

They traded opinions and arguments, throwing ideas back and forth like a ball in a tennis match. Chell’s mind was a blur of weighed-up doubts, histories and possibilities, her own hopes and fears underlining the whole thing. Everything she needed to take into account fought for attention in her thoughts, giving her a persistent, thrumming headache. But soon an answer began to take shape, stepping forward out of the muddle. The only thing was, she wasn’t sure if Doug would have reached the same conclusion. She was almost afraid to ask, but backing down from things wasn’t in her nature.

With a deep breath, she turned to Doug and prepared to speak.

A/N: I just want to add as a footnote here that Doug receiving a cure for his condition does not – repeat, does not – make him any more ‘normal’ or any more of a person than he was before. His schizophrenia does not define him, but it is an important part of his life, and I don’t follow this storyline lightly, because representation is so, so important. I wanted to play with the idea of GLaDOS deciding not to reanimate the dead as a hobby, but rather try and ‘fix’ the problems humanity has to deal with. I’ve never attempted to write a reconciliation between GLaDOS and humanity before, and this seemed like a good olive branch for them to start with. With that in mind, it seemed kind of odd to me that she wouldn’t think of Doug as a good subject, particularly since they have some empathy for each other and the voices in their heads. That is the only reason why I went with this idea. Doug Rattmann is a good and pure and whole person regardless of his condition.