#but knowing he had to deal with this for 25+ years really makes me understand more why he does the things he does

[gffa]

Okay, so it was a month since my last BATFAMILY fic recs set, but in my defense a) huge life changes and b) I did a quick count up of how many recs I had built up and it was literally well over a million words. A million words! In one recs set! And this is like the seventh one of these that I've done! And I still have at least a thousand fics on my reader that I haven't started! Because this fandom has seriously not just consumed my brain, but given me absolutely amazing stuff to read that scratches all the itches I desperately have--well, okay, scratches the itch I have for my Dick Grayson Problem, but same thing.

I've really needed some escapism lately and being able to laugh or cry or just sink into a nice, long novella or even novel-length fic has really been a godsend has done a lot to soothe me and help me process feelings that sometimes otherwise can feel too overwhelming to deal with. All while also giving me the exploration of issues or decompression time with the characters' issues that the canon itself doesn't have the space for. So, I hope this list can give others something to read in the way it has given me so much that I've loved and brought me joy or emotional catharsis, because fandom has been really incredible about Bringing The Good Stuff and I want to repay the favor!

BATFAM FIC RECS - BABY DICK IS THE CUTEST FERAL ROBIN I'M NOT HEARING ANY ARGUMENTS: ✦ The Halfway Point by Sugarcookie222, dick & bruce & alfred & clark, 5k     After a miscommunication with Bruce, a 13-year-old Dick runs away. He makes it as far as a diner in a nearby state. Bruce had left to finalize the adoption papers but clearly needs to work on his communication skills. He calls Superman in a panic to help him find Dick.

✦ be safe, they said (be good) by deargalileo, bruce & dick & alfred, 4k     there's a tree in the wayne's backyard. a very specific tree, one that seems to attract daring children like bees to honey. unfortunately for the children, it is not a tree that is suited for climbing. fortunately for the children, they have fathers who are there to stitch them up.

✦ a haunted ballroom by lothIoriens, bruce & dick & alfred, 11.9k wip     When Dick stumbles across the ghosts of Wayne Manor dancing the night away in an abandoned wing of the house, he thinks that, finally, something might be normal again. But the ghosts are nervous, and he doesn't know why. Something is brewing underneath the surface of Wayne Manor, and it's up to Dick to find out what it is—and it's up to Bruce to make sure nothing happens to his charge in the meantime.

✦ Straight On Til Morning by audreycritter, bruce & dick, 1.2k     Bruce wakes Dick up on a school night to show him the sky. It dredges up memories for Dick, and it would be a disaster, except it’s Bruce. And Bruce understands.

✦ (More) Pressing Matters by Syl, bruce & dick, 39.2k     Dick Grayson arrives at Wayne Manor, a cold empty place, shortly after his parents' murder: A re-telling of the Boy Wonder's well-known origin story.

✦ First Action Hero by Goldmonger, bruce & dick & clark & cast, 3.5k     “Jerkwads,” Dick said darkly, taking Clark’s hand. He looked up at him then, dressed smartly in a black suit and tie, and wearing converses with Sonic the Hedgehog on them. “You okay, Uncle Clark?”

✦ Lil Birdy Wants to Fly by lil_taair, bruce & dick, 3.8k     Bruce would have usually appreciated the cheeky smile that was directed at him if his son wasn’t 25 fucking feet off the ground

✦ World's Finest: Fortress of Friendship by WingFeathers, bruce & dick & clark & diana, 6.9k     Finally, Dick talks Bruce into letting him see the Fortress of Solitude – provided that Dick stay safe and out of the way while the Trinity discusses some Secret Important Business about a certain young Amazon. Clark promises that the Fortress will be safe, but is that a promise he can make?

✦ Stolen Son by springfox (dallystrings), bruce & dick & jim, 8.6k     Dick is excited to visit an American mall for the first time, and Bruce struggles to understand the difference between 'guardian' and 'dad'.

✦ Comfort Food by motleyfam, bruce & dick, ~1k     Dick struggles to find his appetite in the aftermath of his parents’ deaths.

✦ The meaning of justice by Fleur_de_Violette, bruce & dick & babs & cast, 4.6k     As Bruce drives toward Gotham Academy, he tries to imagine all the possible reasons for the principal to call him. He has a lot of imagination. Especially when it comes to bad things happening to Dick. Still, his ward being a suspect for attempted murder hadn’t been on his list.

✦ The Question Game by Santana2, dick & bruce, 1.3k     Basketball can be a very enlightening game if you play it right. Little expansion on Robin's part in Downtime

✦ Cat's Eat Birds by Nightwing_DC_2112, dick & bruce & selina & cast, 12k     After a run in with the Scarecrow Robin is separated from Batman fighting off the effects of Crane's Fear Toxin when an unlikely ally steps in to prevent him getting into further trouble.

✦ World's Finest Mini Issue: Happy Birthday by WingFeathers, bruce & dick (& minor clark/bruce & alfred), 1.8k     Bruce hoped for an emergency to get him out of his birthday party. He just didn’t want Dick to be the one in need of help. BATFAM FIC RECS - ADULT BATSON AND BATDAD ARE MY KRYPTONITE, I FOLD LIKE WET CARDBOARD FOR THEM: ✦ Truth Serum is the Worst by JackHawksmoor, dick & bruce, 3.1k     Batman gets dosed with a truth serum and unexpectedly spends most of the time talking about how desperately he loves his children, how awesome they are, and how he wishes he was better at being a father.

✦ Holy Time Travel Fuckery, Batmen by That_One_Curly_Haired_Fangirl, dick & bruce, 4.4k     Batman is dead, and Dick has reluctantly taken up the mantle. So then why are there four Batmen, all clearly Bruce, standing in front of him on this rooftop?

✦ The Waking World by Fairy527, dick & bruce, 2.2k     This isn’t the first time Dick has gone to Bruce after a nightmare. However, this is the first time his nightmare has involved Bruce's murder at his own hands, and it doesn't settle well.

✦ More Alike Than You'll Ever Admit coffeeandchocolate, dick & bruce, 1.2k     Dick Grayson has always been there alongside Batman. So if no one else is going to acknowledge that his first year wearing the cowl was harder, well, he's just going to have to do it himself. After Bruce returns from being lost in time, he and his eldest argue.

✦ Almost, Nearly by CKBookish, dick & bruce & jason & cast, 8.1k     Dick was just supposed to go with him to lunch. He wasn't supposed to get shot. He wasn't supposed to be bleeding out in the pouring rain on the steps of Wayne Enterprises. But then Bruce hadn't expected that sniper and he had seen it far to late. BATFAM FIC RECS - EVERYBODY LOVES DICK: ✦ Behind Granite and Lime by JeanjacketCarf, dick & bruce & jason & tim & barbara & cass, 14.5k wip     Cassandra had noticed. Of course, she noticed. That was the problem, she couldn’t turn it off. She always had to see, always had to know. So she knew when Dick came back from his mission that something was wrong. Or something is off with Dick. Hopefully, it doesn't have anything to do with those murders.

✦ Soup's On by HoodEx, dick & donna, 2k     Taking care of Dick never feels like a burden, it feels like an instinct. And Donna's really good at following her instincts.

✦ to dream away a sleepless night by waffle-wonder (cosmic_croissant), dick & bruce & jason & tim & damian & cass & stephanie & duke, 2.7k     Dick was fine. He was fine. Sure, he was having a little trouble focusing on unlocking his apartment door, but that didn’t mean anything. Or- Dick is exhausted. His family catches him when he falls.

✦ Temporary by daringyounggrayson, bruce & dick & alfred & cast, 14.8k     The double homicide at Haly’s Circus is not Bruce’s first case involving a child, and while there's no overt indication that Bruce should react differently to this case, he supposes that his previous cases did not involve the witness known as Dick Grayson. On the surface, the Grayson case seems like any other gang case, but the more time Bruce spends with the boy, the more he begins to doubt his own instincts.

✦ To the Moving and the Strange by SilverSkiesAtMidnight, dick & bruce & alfred & tim & cast, 6k     Thankfully, Alfred tips his head in acknowledgement. “I do,” he agrees. “I remember a great many things. But I have forgotten things too, and I expect as time goes on, more of them will slip away from me, and it’s entirely possible that I won’t even notice they’re gone. My memories of them will simply be… less.” Dick looks at him, studying the lines of his weathered face. “Does that ever make you feel like... like if you loved them more, you’d remember them?”

✦ better luck nest time by ScarlettSwordMoon, dick & bruce & jason & tim & damian & cass & steph & duke & cast, 47k wip     Feeling as if Dick’s family does not appreciate him enough, an alternate Earth version of Babs turns Dick into a bird. Now each member of the Batfamily must confess something to him if they ever want to see Dick as a human again. AKA The tale of a family and their birb.

✦ deep roots (are not reached by the frost) by fanfictiongreenirises, bruce & dick & jason & tim & damian & cass & cast, de-aged!dick, 85.2k wip     Dick gets reverted to a younger self after being kidnapped on during a case. But this is far from a routine de-aging.

✦ Bludhaven Police Department by Lady_of_Lorule, bruce & dick & jason & tim & barbara & amy & donna & wally & cast, 31.1k     Sgt. Amy Rohrbach learns that her partner, rookie cop Dick Grayson, is not what he seems. Or how Amy finds out that Dick Grayson is the heir to the entire Wayne fortune, the vigilante Nightwing, the leader of the Titans, and meets some of the Batfam and the Titans along the way. BATFAM FIC RECS - DICK AND DAMIAN WERE THE BEST BATMAN & ROBIN, I'M NOT HEARING ARGUMENTS ABOUT THAT EITHER: ✦ Too Many Walls and Not Enough Bridges by CamsthiSky, dick & damian, 3.7k     There's something bothering Damian. Dick's determined to help Damian feel comfortable enough to share it.

✦ All The Small Things by Geeves, dick & damian & bruce & cast, 20.1k     After Bruce's return to the Bat, Dick and Damian have to deal with just being brothers, but things are just a bit too messy to be that easy BATFAM FIC RECS - BATKIDS ALL HAVE MANY SIBLINGS AND THEY'RE ALL PETTY ASSHOLES AND/OR WONDERFUL BABIES AND I LOVE THEM WITH MY WHOLE BEING: ✦ Do-over by mx_chrx99, dick & jason & todd & damian & steph, 6.2k     Jason never really got to do the "family vacation" thing. Neither did Tim, Steph, or Damian. Dick did, but that was ages ago. Now's their chance to make up for lost time.

✦ pick up off the floor by deargalileo, dick & jason & bruce, 3k     there was a lump on Bruce's office floor. a Dickwing shaped lump.

✦ the trials and tribulations of fatherhood by InkpotSprite, bruce & dick & jason & tim, 2k     Dick, Jason and Tim compete to see who was the worst child. The answer surprises them all. On an unrelated note, Bruce is wondering if adoptions are a lifetime deal, or if they can be undone.

✦ A Time To Reflect by Experimental_Muse, bruce & dick & jason & tim & damian & cass & duke & alfred, time travel, 14.5k     Bruce finds himself stuck in the past, and while waiting for the league to pick him up, struggles to get along with his past self. Plus being in a practically empty manor is a bigger adjustment than he'd like to admit. BATFAM FIC RECS - SOMETIMES YOU JUST THINK BRUCE AND DIANA SHOULD KISS IT OUT: ✦ One equal temper of heroic hearts by victoria_p (musesfool), bruce/diana, nsfw, 1.5k     Bruce and Diana reconcile at Nanda Parbat.

✦ Thanksgiving at the Kents by starknjarvis, bruce/diana & cast, 8.9k     Clark convinces Diana to come to the farm for Thanksgiving, and Diana finally gets the chance to meet Bruce's kids. There are far more of them than she had expected.

✦ Escape Artistry by David Hines (hradzka), bruce/diana & cast, 24.2k     Wonder Woman is eager to learn new things. Batman, less so. Primarily JL animated continuity; some comic elements from as far back as the Golden Age. Complete. BATFAM FIC RECS - I WILL DIE ON THE HILL THAT TIM DRAKE'S TRUE LOVE INTEREST IS CONNER KENT AND NOBODY CAN STOP ME, NOT EVEN GOD: ✦ Will you die for (marry) me? by Ididloveyou_once, tim/kon & cassie & bart & cast, 7.8k     Tim sacrifices himself on a mission and lives. Conner hates that. They struggle through the aftermath.

✦ A Saturday Evening by malcyon, tim/kon & clark/lois & jonathan kent/martha kent & kara, 13.8k     Kon invites Tim over for dinner. Tim's not sure if he should have accepted that invitation.

✦ Sending all my love to you by Paintedqueen, tim/kon, 10.9k wip     Conner and Tim get blasted into New Earth where they meet an old friend.

✦ Composed of Us by starlikeknight, tim/kon & bruce & dick & cast, 37.1k wip     Or, a spiralling Tim clones a baby without thinking about the consequences. And there are many, many consequences. BATFAM FIC RECS - I SAY THIS IS A BATFAM REC LIST BUT SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA SHOVE THOSE ASSHOLES OUT OF THE WAY AND READ SOME SUPERFIC: ✦ All these things (that I'll never know) by Paintedqueen, conner & clark & kara & jonathan & implied tim/kon & cast, 12.7k     Kon-El's journey on what it means to be Kryptonian.

✦ birthday bash by yeeyee123, conner & clark & jon & tim/kon, 11.8k     Kon’s pumped that Clark has brought him in to help put together Jon’s 8th birthday party. No really, he is! Just don’t ask him directly about it, or he may need to go leave the room and take a breather. Inhaling helium gas from all those balloons isn’t good for you, you know?

✦ Catching Icarus by Fantasyfire, conner & clark & justice league, 24.8k wip     A bad encounter with magic banishes Superboy into another world. Stranded, the Kryptonian clone must deal with a whole new league and a much different Superman.

✦ Nobody's Child by Kizmet, clark & conner & lois & ma kent & pa kent & cast, 18k     Superboy is deaged. While Young Justice looks for a cure Batman sticks Clark Kent with babysitting duties. BATFAM FIC RECS - TAKE THE ANGST DIAL, TURN IT UP TO ELEVEN, AND BREAK THE KNOB OFF, THAT'S WHAT I'M HERE FOR: ✦ Adeamus by miss_aphelion, bruce & dick & stephanie & damian & jason & tim & clark & cast, 32k     I'll always be there to catch you, Bruce had promised him once. Dick would like to believe it hadn’t been meant as a threat at the time. (or; Bruce takes over Gotham to keep his sons safe, but he’s already trained Dick too well to always protect others first)

✦ Gorgon’s eyes by Fleur_de_Violette, bruce & dick & jason & tim & damian & barbara & cast, 9k     Dick will give time to his family. He’s just came back as Nightwing after being undercover in Spyral; he understands that they won’t forgive him immediately. Except, when an encounter with neurotoxin leaves him completely paralyzed, he has no choice but to rely on them.

✦ bad signal by prismatical, bruce & dick & jason & tim & damian & cass & cast, 38.4k     The rescue mission went well. Nightwing is safe. Everything should be alright. Right?

✦ And The Crown Will Sing by ScarlettSwordMoon, bruce & dick & jason & tim & damian & barbara & cast, read the tags, 84.7k wip     After an encounter with alien technology, Bruce re-evaluates some previously held ideals. Gotham doesn’t need a Knight, she needs a King. Bruce will do whatever it takes to secure his rightful place as ruler of Gotham. He will do whatever it takes to keep his sons by his side. Even if it means breaking them in first. [Dark Bruce Wayne, eventual Dark Batfam]

✦ borderline by TheResurrectionist, bruce & dick & jason & tim & damian & cass & steph, 22.7k wip     A mysterious force connects the Batfamily's minds together.

✦ Parting is all we Know of Heaven by Sword_Kallya, dick & bruce & jason & tim & damian & amy, suicidal ideation, 11.9k     Three months after Batman returns from the timestream, Dick Grayson has disappeared.

✦ Behind Granite and Lime by JeanjacketCarf, dick & bruce & jason & tim & damian & barbara & cass & cast, read the tags, 18k wip     Cassandra had noticed. Of course, she noticed. That was the problem, she couldn’t turn it off. She always had to see, always had to know. So she knew when Dick came back from his mission that something was wrong. Or something is off with Dick. Hopefully, it doesn't have anything to do with those murders.

✦ A Little Out of the Ordinary by dizarys, tim & dick & conner & slade & cast, 1.5k     A boot scraped against stone at the same time pain seared through Tim’s chest, radiating from one sharp, jabbing point. With a gasping wheeze, he tried to grab at it. But his arms refused to move.

✦ Override Two: Family Protocol by zombiesbecrazy, dick & bruce & jason & tim & damian & barbara & cass & cast, talon!dick, 78.3k     When faced with an impossible and inescapable situation, Dick does the only thing left that he can do to save his family. Surrender himself to the Court of Owls to become their Talon in exchange for their lives.

✦ Weekend Commute by CKBookish, bruce & dick & jason & tim & donna & wally & cast, 7.4k     Dick Grayson makes his way home during the first snow fall of the year, when he finds himself confused and cold, miles from home.

✦ What These Hands Have Done by WinterSky101, bruce & dick & jason & tim & damian & cass & steph & alfred & cast, 14k     Dick is mind controlled into attacking his family. Unsurprisingly, he takes the whole thing very badly.

✦ birdsong by ScarlettSwordMoon, bruce & dick & jason & tim & damian & steph & cast, 22.7k     After getting a face full of Scarecrow’s newest toxin, Dick isn’t haunted by his typical nightmares. No. This one has little green pixie boots. AKA Batman: Ego but make it Robin.

✦ New Krypton by Hawkstout, dick & clark & bruce & cast, read the tags, 15.9k wip     Robin is captured by the Kryptonians and put under the care of Kal-El, the man he has known as Superman. Kal-El wants to do his best for Robin and keep the boy safe and healthy. He's fond of him. They were friends once. He hopes that once Robin understands the invasion of his home is for the best that he will grow to see him as a guardian, maybe even as a father. But Robin doesn't need another father. He needs a way to escape.

✦ i was not born to drown by daringyounggrayson, bruce & dick & tim & damian & donna & wally & roy & cast, 25.2k     Or: After getting shot by Doctor Hurt, Dick develops chronic migraines.

✦ Running Headlong into My Arms by gleesquid, bruce/selina & dick & jason & tim & damian & barbara & cass & steph & alfred & cast (& some minor pairings), 54.2k     Bruce doesn’t like to credit one thing for saving his life, but if he did, it would be Haly’s Circus that Friday night in September, just as summer was beginning to die. (He'll always be a sucker for kids with sad eyes, no parents, and more fight than the world knows what to do with.) Or: in a universe where superheroes don't exist, Bruce Wayne finds his family.

✦ Waking In The Night Light by I_Have_To_Get_Off_This_Planet, bruce & dick & jason & tim & cass, 7.1k     Aside from the soft pitter-pattering of rain against the window, it’s quiet in the room. Tranquil, Bruce thinks. Or at least, as tranquil as a hospital room can get. BATFAM FIC RECS - THROW BABY DICK AT BATTISON, C'MON DO IT, IT'LL BE HILARIOUS: ✦ take these broken wings and learn to fly by fishingclocks, dick & bruce & alfred, 49.2k wip     or, How Dick Grayson Burrowed His Way Inextricably into the Heart of Bruce Wayne

✦ A Bat and his Birds by SalParadiseLost, bruce & dick & jason & tim, 3.1k     Bruce Wayne adopts a child on impulse... and then another... and then another. He doesn't know what he's doing, but somehow it doesn't end up too bad except for the fact that his kids think he's a vampire.

[scoonsalicious]

Unwanted: Chapter 25, Unprotected - Pt. 1

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Fem!Reader

Summary: When your FWB relationship with your best friend Bucky Barnes turns into something more, you couldn’t be happier. That is, however, until a new Avenger sets her sights on your super soldier and he inadvertently breaks your heart. You take on a mission you might not be prepared for to put some distance between the two of you and open yourself up to past traumas. Too bad the only one who can help you heal is the one person you can no longer trust.

Warnings: (For this part only; see Story Masterlist for general Warnings) Language, mentions of: death, violence, torture, drug use, promiscuity, more spiraling, self-loathing.

Word Count: 240

Previously On...: Sam had to leave town, and now you're on this mission all alone.

A/N: OK! Ya'll are lucky I just wrote something that made me WEEP, so I need a pick-me-up! Here's Part 1 of Chapter 25!

HAVING SAID THAT! CHAPTER 25 HAS SOME HEAVY THEMES THAT I AM *NOT* INCLUDING IN THE WARNING TO AVOID SPOILERS. IF YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT IT IS FOR YOUR OWN SANITY/MENTAL HEALTH, DM ME!!!

NOTE! The tag list is a fickle bitch, so I'm not really going to be dealing with it anymore. If you want to be notified when new story parts drop, please follow @scoonsaliciousupdates

Banner By: The absolutely amazing @mrsbuckybarnes1917!

Thank you to all those who have been reading; if you like what you've read, likes, comments, and reblogs give me life, and I truly appreciate them, and you!

Taglist: (Sadly, tag list is closed; Tumblr will not let me add anyone new. If you want to be notified when I update, please Follow me for Notifications!) @jmeelee @cazellen @mrsbuckybarnes1917 @blackhawkfanatic @buckybarnessimpp @hayjat @capswife @itsteambarnes @marygoddessofmischief @sebastians-love @learisa @lethallyprotected @rabbitrabbit12321 @buckybarnesandmarvel @fanfictiongirl77 @calwitch @fantasyfootballchampion @selella @jackiehollanderr @wintercrows @sashaisready @missvelvetsstuff @angelbabyyy99 @keylimebeag @maybefoxysouls @vicmc624 @j23r23 @wintercrows @crist1216 @cjand10 @pattiemac1@les-sel @dottirose @winterslove1917 @harperkenobi @ivet4 @casey1-2007 @mrsevans90 @steeph-aniie @bean-bean2000 @beanbagbitch @peachiestevie @wintrsoldrluvr @shadowzena43

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It was three days later when the news reported that Chloe’s body had been found in the sand dunes a few miles south of the city limits. She’d been sexually assaulted, tortured. The police were not disclosing cause of death at this time.

She had lied to you. According to the news, she was only fifteen years old, not eighteen, like she’d said. A child. 

In the days that followed, you blamed yourself. How could you not? You’d been there, you’d been right there when they took her, and you’d been too high out of your mind to notice, to do a damned thing about it, and now she was dead. In a weird way you couldn’t fully understand, you felt like you had been responsible for murdering your younger self.

And so, you spiraled. Without Sam around to keep you grounded, it was surprisingly easy. You took drugs you bought at the club (though always at the apartment, never while you were undercover–never again). You drank. You fucked. Anything you could do to numb the gnawing guilt you felt in your chest, even for just a little while. But it was never enough. Chloe’s face was always there, in the back of your mind, begging to know why you failed her, what she had done to make her not worthy of saving her life. But how could you tell a ghost that you were the one who wasn’t worthy?

<- Previous Chapter / Next Part ->

[ihavemanyhusbands]

Honey Bun (18+ Series)

(Aaron Hotchner x Stripper!Reader)

Part 1 // MINORS DNI

This first part is dedicated to @ssahotstuff for inspiring me <3 and to @hausofwhores who I first talked to about my idea hehe <3 <3

WC: 2.1k Words

Song Inspo: Gold Satin Dreamer - Nicole Dollanganger

Series Warnings: Eventual smut, bit of an age gap (placing reader at around 25-26), cursing, alcohol consumption, formalized sex work (Stripper/Pole Dancer), occasional angst, drama, and that's all I can think of rn but lmk if I missed anything!

A/N: Short and sweet intro! Things are gonna get very uhhh interesting from here on out ;) Enjoy some flirty Hotch, let me know your thoughts on this first part! I'm super excited to be writing this!!!! :)

------------------------------------------------------

“Need a little sugar in your life, gentlemen? Well, get ready to make it rain on our sweetest girl, Honey Bun! Just remember, you may feast your eyes, but no touching!”

—————

Thursdays weren’t always so busy. Sure, there were a couple of party animals who liked to start the weekend early, but rarely at such capacity. 

At least you were glad that Josephine was working with you that night. She made busy nights at the Duchess Tavern much more bearable. When you first started working there, she immediately took you under her wing, teaching you all the ropes. 

She had a certain matronly quality about her — probably attributed to the fact she was twenty years older than you — but she was a real tough cookie, too. On countless occasions, she’d helped you deal with rowdy customers and drunk assholes. She rarely ever needed help from the bouncers to break bar fights, she cursed like a sailor, and she also made the meanest Long Island Iced Tea you’d ever had. 

You were certain that if it weren’t for her, you wouldn’t have lasted a week being a bartender.

“You’re lucky you’re off on weekends,” Josephine said as she poured a row of shots for a group of college-aged girls. “This here is light work compared to a Saturday night.”

“Well, it’s not like I’ll be getting a lot of rest…” you countered. “Dealing with the same sort of customers, too.”

“I don’t know, maybe I’m just getting too old for this shit,” she sighed heavily.

“Oh please, pigs will fly before the day good ole Josie O’Donnell actually retires.”

She laughed heartily, smacking your arm in a playful way. You couldn’t help but admire how hardworking she was. She’d been at this business for years, and it was certainly no easy place to be. She inspired you to stay driven, even when you felt at your lowest. She was the only one in this place you trusted with the knowledge of your other job. Not everyone was so understanding, and plus, it wasn’t really their business anyways.

Working two jobs was in no way easy, but it was definitely necessary. Especially considering you liked living a certain way. You barely had any free time to hang out with friends outside of work, much less meet people and go on dates. Though it’s not like you didn’t get hit on, at both of your jobs, but you just weren’t interested in any of them.

Rarely could anyone keep up with your schedule, especially considering your line of work. It was unsurprising, but you weren’t really phased by it anymore.You didn’t give yourself the time to feel lonely, and you had enough interactions during the day to compensate. 

As the initial swell of patronage died down, you began wiping down the bar, absently humming to yourself. Def Leppard’s ‘Bringing on the Heartbreak’, one of your favorites, was playing on the speakers. 

An older looking gentleman slid onto a barstool then. You offered him a drink menu, but he waved it off and ordered a scotch, neat. He pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a long sigh, and his shoulders slumped as he crossed his arms over the bar top. 

“Long day?” You asked, pouring his drink. 

“You could say so,” he nodded wearily. “You know, I’ve always wondered, are bartenders required to ask that whenever they see a haggard-looking patron?”

You chuckled, sliding it towards him. “Only if we think we can help.”

A ghost of a smile was on his lips at that. You studied him more closely, trying to be subtle – He was strikingly handsome, with dark hair and thick dark eyebrows. He had a strong nose and a sharp, clean shaven jaw. His eyes were a piercing dark brown, and they drew your attention the most.

He took a sip of scotch, and there was something analytical in his gaze as he took you in, as well.

“Well, I guess you could say I’m a little bit of a workaholic,” he said.

You nodded in understanding. “A common affliction these days.”

“You, too?” He raised an eyebrow, and you shrugged as if to say what can you do?

“No offense, but I can’t imagine you love spending more time here than you need to.”

You raised both eyebrows at this, only half amused. He was wearing a nicely tailored suit, had an expensive watch on his wrist, and wasn’t ordering cheap drinks. The Duchess didn’t really seem like a place he’d hang out at, and yet…

“Hmm, well, I suppose the same could be said about you,” you countered, nonchalant.

“Touché,” he acquiesced with the smallest chuckle. “But I don’t know, maybe I should give it a chance. It’s…”

“Charming?” You offered.

“Yes, exactly.”

You excused yourself momentarily to attend to another customer. He looked around, but was clearly uninterested in talking to anyone else.

Josephine caught your eye and gave you an impressed look. She wagged her eyebrows suggestively and mouthed ‘get it’.

You rolled your eyes playfully, shaking your head a little. He was certainly very good looking, and flirting was pretty fun, but you weren’t sure if it should go any further than that.

When you returned, you refilled his glass, since he’d already polished off the first one.

“So, what’s your name?” You asked. “Or is it more fun to keep it anonymous?”

“I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.”

You thought about it for a moment, but then you relented, telling him your name.

“Some call me Honey, though,” you added.

He extended his hand out to you. “I’m Aaron Hotchner. It’s nice to meet you, Honey.”

You shook his hand, his long fingers basically engulfing yours. Something stirred low in your belly at this, your mind going straight to the gutter. As if he could tell, a smirk tugged at his lips.

“Boy, do I feel lucky to be the one getting your attention tonight,” he said.

“Why do you say that?” 

“Those guys over there have been ogling you for some time now. They’re almost panting and salivating like dogs.”

You glanced in the direction he gestured towards, momentarily meeting two hungry gazes. You shrugged it off, so used to that sort of lascivious attention that you didn’t notice it anymore.

“Well, you approached me the right way,” you said, busying yourself by wiping down some glasses. “Some think it’s flattering to be looked at like that, but it’s really not.”

“I’m sorry about that,” he sympathized. “I get what you mean.”

“Oh, it must be so hard being so attractive, hmm?” You teased jokingly.

“So you think I’m attractive?” 

You gave him a look that said are you serious?

“I mean, I don’t want to stroke your ego but… Yes, you really are.”

Aaron’s smirk only grew, perhaps feeling more bold now that he was on his second drink. 

“For the record, I think you are very beautiful, but I am a man who knows who to appreciate beauty without needing to take some of it for himself.”

You looked back up at him then, momentarily stunned. Then you chuckled in slight disbelief, but also totally enthralled. Just who was this man?

You couldn’t remember the last time you’d held a conversation — less so one so genuinely riveting — with a single patron for this long. At least at this job, and especially for free.

You were even beginning to consider giving him your number, should he ask for it. But that was yet to be seen.

“I’m serious,” he said.

“Oh, I believe you,” you smirked in return, not letting on if you meant it or not. 

The two of you held each other’s gazes for a charged moment, trying to get a better read of each other in the low light. You saw both mirth and earnestness in his eyes — but no trace of anything that should raise any flags — and you found yourself getting just a little more comfortable.

It was easy to talk to him, but he was still very much a stranger. You didn’t want to let yourself get too excited, but that didn’t mean you wouldn’t continue testing the waters. After all, he’d been pretty well behaved so far, and you always liked to reward good behavior.

Once more you had to pull yourself away to attend to someone, but at least the place was getting emptier as it got later. You could feel his gaze trailing you this time, and you glanced over your shoulder to send a wink his way.

“Psst,” Josephine hissed in your direction. “Why don’t you take fifteen? I’ve got things handled here.”

You hesitated. “Are you sure?” 

“Of course I’m sure,” she scoffed. “Go on now, have a little fun.”

You waved her off, but smiled appreciatively. On your way to the other side of the bar, you grabbed yourself a beer and then plopped down on the stool next to Aaron’s. He turned to face you, his knees barely grazing yours. The small contact was innocent enough, but you still felt the smallest tingle down your spine. You clinked your bottle against his glass in a little toast. 

“You were right, you know?” He said, looking at the side of your face as you drank. “You really are helping me feel better.”

“Aw shucks, that means I’m good at my job,” you said teasingly, which made him playfully roll his eyes. 

“Tell me more about you. Why is it that they call you Honey?” he asked.

“Aren’t I sweet?” You pouted, pretending to be hurt.

He chuckled. “I think you are. Is that the whole reason?”

You nodded, omitting the fact that it also happened to be your stage name – Honey Bun. Sticky sweet; All satin and glitter and softness. Of course, that wasn’t the same you that was sitting across from him now.

“I think you have a very pretty name, too,” he leaned against the bar, resting his temple on his fist. “Is it too forward of me to ask to call you by it? Unless you prefer…” 

You waved him off. “How can I decline when you ask so nicely?” 

The two of you lost track of time as you continued talking and joking and teasing each other. Laughter seemed to come so easily around him, and there were virtually no awkward pauses between the two of you. It was almost too good to be true.

You told Aaron about some of the wilder things you’d witnessed working at the Duchess, looping Josephine into the conversation at one point. You never even noticed she didn’t call you back from your break, too absorbed in letting loose for once. Even if it was only for a little while, and not entirely.

Much too soon, last call was announced, and you realized that it was nearly two AM. Most people had left, and someone was sweeping as the tables were being stacked.

“Oh, wow, closing time,” you remarked. “I guess time does fly when you’re having fun, huh?”

You got up from your seat to start helping out, giving him a small, almost sheepish grin. You’d had a really nice time, but he was still a customer and couldn’t stick around as you wrapped up for the night. You tried to think of the nicest way to kick him out… even if a teenie tiny part of you didn’t want him to leave.

Aaron looked around as if coming out of a daze. He glanced at his watch and stood, gathering his things. “So it seems.”

“The Duchess just has that effect on people. I should have warned you.”

“I have to say, I think this place is growing on me,” he admitted. “Would you mind if I visited more often?”

“It’s a free country, you can do whatever you want,”  you smiled, and in your smile there was an invitation— or perhaps a dare?

And in his, you could see that he was ready to take it.

Still, to your surprise and slight chagrin, he did not ask for your contact information. Perhaps it was his way of continuing to be respectful. Or maybe, this encounter had merely been a reprieve from the day to day for both of you. Nothing more.

For a moment, you wondered if things would have gone down differently had you met in the Crimson Lounge instead of the Duchess. The thought made a small thrill dance in your chest, but you tried not to chase it further. Of course things would have gone down differently. You probably wouldn’t have talked nearly as much.

So you took what you could get, blowing a flirty kiss in his direction as he departed. It was better not to get attached, anyway.

[fellow-fandom-fruitifier]

Ok, so, I’m gonna spill my silly little interpretation of 6EM’s and SWK’s (Too lazy to type their full names.) childhood/relationship. I know I’m probably not right, per se, but I just really want to spill my thoughts about them.

You guys knows those families with the one “troubled” kid and the one “just fine” kid? Like the “I know you’re a child but your sibling needs more attention than you because they’re worse off.” kinda thing? And the kids too young to say/understand otherwise so they just kinda… deal? THAT’S how I see SWK’s and 6EM’s childhood. (Minus the sibling part, I don’t personally view them as having a familial relationship, but it’s the best example I could think of that made sense.)

I view it as like 6EM was the (more) reasonable one. The one that was pushed off to the side and left to deal with the background problems so other people could focus on the more important “problem”. A.K.A SWK. It left him neglected and feeling used, and because of how he just took what people gave him (Again, so SWK could be the main focus.) no one took his advice seriously/they just brushed over him. But he didn’t care (That much.) because he had SWK. He had one reliable in person his life, one constant that would always be there for him not just with him. It was probably a really codependent thought process. (And SWK was really greedy so he probably didn’t notice any real stress, and was probably convinced it didn’t matter what he did. 6EM would always wait for him after all.)

Then it was just gone. Everyone has a breaking point and 6EM’s was building for literal centuries. Seeing SWK with other people was probably like hitting a horribly cracked pane of glass with a sledgehammer. SWK was one of the only, if not the only, person 6EM probably felt like actually cared. And now he’s been replaced. I imagine that 6EM felt used for a long time and the only person who didn’t make him feel like that was SWK, but seeing that? Him just chilling with new friends? Not even a thought towards his most loyal friend? I imagine it’d make him feel like a toy thrown out when a child got bored.

I don’t think 6EM or SWK were responsible for the formers death. I think they were both kids (YOU CAN NOT CONVINCE ME THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS WERE ANY OLDER THAN 25, in celestial years or whatever, YOU JUST CAN’T.) who didn’t have literally any form of guidance and grew up with each other, but with very different social expectations. 6EM was horribly codependent and SWK was horribly selfish. The difference is that SWK was given a chance to grow and learn, and 6EM just… wasn’t. I assume that they just thought the other had similar experiences and thoughts as themselves because of how closely they did everything together ‘n stuff; but that just wasn’t true. You can grow up close to someone, maybe even in the same house or town and with the same people, but that doesn’t mean your experiences were anything alike.

I think that’s were it actually started to go wrong, it’s not that they were hiding things from the other, it’s just that they thought the other already knew because they were going through the same thing; even though they actually weren’t going through the same thing.

SWK grew up strong with the idea that he was unstoppable. That he could just take anything he wants. That people would just support him no matter what, that they’d be there no matter what; but he also grew up with the expectations of a king. He grew up thinking he had to be the strongest, he had to protect his family. That lead to his greed and need to protect mixing. He went to Heaven so his family could live a secure life but also because he was power hungry.

6EM grew up as an outcast, he was not well liked and the only person who was truly his friend was SWK. His best friend who literally promised him everything he could ever want. (Read: staying on FFM together forever.) He grew up with the expectations of being someone who would always be there for the other. Someone who would do anything for the other, someone who would just take whatever was given to him. Good or bad. He had a best friend who promised, and promised, and promised. A best friend who seemed capable enough to actually keep those promises, a best friend who 6EM gave his everything to and expected the other to just keep said promises. 6EM made himself a warrior, a tool essentially, for SWK because he was content just being dragged along. So when it all fell he didn’t know what to do, he didn’t allow himself to have a different purpose.

Two very different people who both expected the other to be there but in different ways. 6EM expected SWK to always come back and SWK expected 6EM to always be waiting. They were kids who took on roles too grand for their age and were given no guidance. SWK was given the chance for guidance when 6EM was not, I highly doubt it would have been any different should the roles have been reversed. I’d bet money that SWK would have attacked 6EM’s new friends to. They were both possessive, just in different ways. 6EM wasn’t ok with the change because SWK was the only thing he thought he knew, so he lashed out. SWK had changed since their last interaction and he defended.

I don’t think SWK meant to kill 6EM, either he was too blinded by rage to stop, or the final strike was a miscalculation. Maybe there’s a completely different reason for 6EM’s death, I don’t know. That’s just my thoughts on these silly little dudes. (I know I explained more of 6EM here but that’s mainly because we don’t actually know much about his childhood. Like, sure, we mainly have 6EM’s side of the whole death story, but that doesn’t mean we actually have his backstory. We know more about SWK’s childhood and shit than 6EM’s, so I wanted to focus more on the latter. Also because he’s my favorite and I’m very biased.😌)

Conclusion: 6EM was codependent and dedicated his everything to SWK, being brushed off as the lesser version while doing so many unnoticed things for SWK; he didn’t see a purpose outside of SWK. SWK was selfish and possessive/protective, just expecting things to go his way because he was strong, expecting 6EM to just be ok with whatever he gave him no matter what; but also had a lot of expectations to be the best. SWK and 6EM’s relationship was (almost) always unhealthy, it just didn’t look like it. Two enablers with different roles, a possessive leader and his most dedicated follower.

(Additional thing I want to add here: I think that if 6EM was given the chance to properly learn/process shit before LBD yanked him from the soil, then he wouldn’t have tried to get revenge. Dude was sent to the Diyu, not therapy, of course he’s gonna come back with an even worse mindset/“coping skills”.

Edit: I forgot to add that their past dynamic made it achingly easy to view 6EM as a victim and SWK as an abuser, when they were actually both in the wrong. Guilt isn’t an easy emotion to deal with. I think that there might have been a point where 6EM knew he was just as guilty as SWK, but no one likes the thought of turning out like their abuser. I think it was just too much so he kinda just forcefully blocked it out, ultimately stopping himself from healing properly and letting his spite for SWK fester.

Edit 2: … I can’t stop talking about them. My brain is filled with these gay ass monkeys and I keep realizing more. Where 6EM can’t stand guilt so he passes on blame, SWK just ignores it or denies it. They both can’t take guilt but in different ways. Head in hands, flailing and wailing, ugly sobbing. THEY’RE SO SIMILAR IN SUCH DIFFERENT WAYS AND I’M JUST AHAHAHWHGSJSNJXBSKMSKS

Edit 3: OK ISTG THIS IS THE LAST ONE, I PROMISE I WILL EXERCISE SOME SELF CONTROL AFTER THIS! SWK got self esteem issues from having too high standards from others but too low standards for himself. While 6EM got self esteem issues from having too low standards from others and too high standards from himself. I don’t know if that makes sense but I am fighting my ADHD rat brain to leave it at that.

Edit 4: I lied, I don’t have self control. 6EM likes being on the stage because he was neglected as a child [Craves attention he wasn’t properly given.] and SWK has stage fright because he had too many expectations as a child. [Fears attention that he was given too liberally.])

[infinitelytheheartexpands]

on the cusp between childhood and adulthood, the sudden onset of grief when you weren’t in the room where it happened, and the impossible art of growing up in a very short time: or, why the princess of france from love’s labour’s lost means a lot to me personally

on the heels of reading as the princess of france with @socialshakespeare

heads up, the rest of this is going to get Very Long Very Quickly, so i’m putting it under a cut. tw for discussions of cancer, parental death, and grief.

so when @socialshakespeare announced that it would be doing love’s labour’s lost this month, in the box where you can put any additional notes about your casting preferences, i pretty much begged the admins to let me have a turn as the princess of france. y’know, i said, as a sort of twenty-first birthday present. and i was cast as the princess of france! thank you, socshakes! <3

but there was a very specific reason why i asked to play the princess of france.

and that reason is simply: she reminds me of me. more particularly, she reminds me of me from 2020, but me from 2020 was really the germination point of me today.

“savannah, everyone changed in 2020, 2020 was a fucking unbelievable year and it changed us all. it changed our whole world.” yeah. i’m well aware. but there’s a specific reason for me.

***

see, in early 2020, i was having a pretty decent time, actually. it was my senior year of high school, i had a great group of friends (much like the princess had her three ladies except my core friend group was bigger than that), things with my family weren’t great but i knew that come august i would be able to move out.

that first period of covid was awful and it changed so much and at times it felt like i was having a mental breakdown, but it wasn’t what ultimately ripped me apart that year.

you see, in 2018, about a month before my fifteenth birthday, my father was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer. for a good long while, though, it seemed like he might beat the odds. treatments were working, he went to one of the best hospitals in the country to get good care, and we believed that he just might make it.

and then in the summer of 2020, things rapidly took a turn for the worse.

on july 20, 2020, we all got sat down and told that the treatments weren’t working anymore, and they had elected to put my father on hospice care. i sobbed all that night and into the next morning, but i had a cashier job that summer at walmart. i was an essential worker and i had to power through.

in love’s labour’s lost, everyone knows even before the princess arrives that her father is extremely sick. for heaven’s sake, it’s why the princess is there in the first place instead of the king. and yet the princess powers through. there’s deals to be made, familial honor to be defended, and there’s also that tiny matter of falling in love and playing with the joy and laughter that come with it. and the princess embraces it.

she is young, she is optimistic, she is a bit sheltered maybe yet so smart, she has devoted friends, she has seemingly all the time in the world because no one knows when the time runs out so might as well believe it never will, right?

my high school graduation came five days later, on july 25. a rare opportunity to see friends then and, at long last, after a two-month delay and twelve years of study before that, a chance to celebrate. relatives came in. we had cake and flowers. we took photos on the soccer field in 90-degree weather but it didn’t matter because we were together and we were so full of joy on that blue-sky day.

and after that, only nineteen days until leaving. i had been counting the days for months, excited for new possibilities, not understanding the impact. it would be easy, i thought. all that needed done were to pack my bags and suitcases and buy some last-minute things, say my goodbyes for now to my favorite people, enjoy every moment i could, and wait in a haze of delightful agony and optimism until the morning of august 13 came.

this went as planned for about three days.

july 29, 2020, started like any other day. i got my things together, had an argument with my stepmom about doing the dishes (you said i can’t do the dishes when it’s late and everyone’s asleep after i get off work, when do you expect me to do them), decided to start the dishwasher right before i left for work (if she was mad about it, then she could unload the dishwasher as needed and we could have this conversation when i got home, i reasoned) and went to walmart for my shift that day. i cut one of my fingers on a taco seasoning packet, watched some of the salzburg 2007 production of berlioz’s benvenuto cellini on my lunch break, and in general otherwise it was a pretty normal shift. and like all normal shifts, i took my sweet time getting out and getting home.

at about 5:15 i was dawdling and trying to find an excuse to not get in my car just yet when i got a call from my stepmom that basically went like this:

me: hi

stepmom: hey. are you coming home yet?

me: i will be there in a little bit.

stepmom: it’s been raining so you need to be careful getting home.

me: it hasn’t rained that much and i know how to drive in the rain.

stepmom: just be careful getting home. bye.

so i sighed and went “well i can’t put this off any longer”, and got in my car and put some more berlioz on and drove home, thinking about how she sounded upset over the phone and oh i was going to get a tongue-lashing for leaving the dishes in the dishwasher all day.

and just as i was pulling up, i noticed my older brother’s truck outside. huh, i thought, that’s weird. why is he here?

i pulled into the driveway and saw my stepmom sitting on the step outside the side door by herself. two thoughts about what this meant went into my head at about the same time:

option 1: uh oh my stepmom is big mad and she waited out here just so she could tell me off right when i got home

option 2: uh oh my brother and my stepmom got into a fight again for whatever reason and she just can’t deal with it right now

(both of these, for the record, were entirely plausible things that could have happened)

so i parked and got out and decided to not commit to either of these but just play this very strange situation as coolly as possible. i believe my exact words were “hey, what are you doing out here by your lonesome?”

and like monsieur marcade, she could only get out a handful of words, and it was left to me to fill in the meaning.

the meaning: savannah, your father is dead.

and, to quote a different shakespeare play, “i must be from thence.”

my father died and i wasn’t there.

***

this is the same fate to befall the princess of france: her political mission mixed with girls’ trip has taken her to navarre, to a world full of annoying yet beloved men and delightful games and amateur theatre filled with passion. and then she learns that her father all the way in paris has died, and she wasn’t there.

now we don’t know what the princess’ relationship with her father was like; this is not something that is discussed at all in the play. but i know what my relationship with my father was like. we didn’t always understand each other or agree on everything, but i loved him. and in a childhood where the concept of family was a loose one due to an over decade-long stretch of family drama, he was the one constant.

and then four days after my high school graduation, he was simply gone, never to return.

now some folks will probably go back to those days of late july and early august 2020 and see that i posted exactly nothing about all this. why? i just needed a space where i could forget, where i could live in denial for a little longer, where i could cling to something in my life that wasn’t about this unimaginable loss until i couldn’t anymore.

living in the late 1500s, with a whole country to newly run, no social media, and a permanent existence in the public eye, the princess does not have this sort of escape. she knows right away the awful truth. it is inevitable; she must leave this happy sojourn, this newfound love.

her first line after she realizes her father is dead shows that plainly: “boyet, prepare. i will away tonight.” and even as she plans to shut herself up in a mourning-house, it is at the same time that she will be learning first hand how to run her kingdom.

sixteen days after my father’s death, i left home to learn how to live on my own. and even before that, i got only five days of bereavement leave from work, and i went back to work the day after my father’s funeral. let alone the rest of the frantic preparations for leaving home and starting a brand new life alone—in the middle of a pandemic and now, with this grief weighing on me.

life and the world do not wait for grief.

and sixteen days is too fast to grow up.

you can’t just flip the switch from child to adult, especially when you’re grieving.

and when the world forces you to do so, it is truly awful.

there’s no closure to it. as another character mourns in the closing moments of the play, “our wooing doth not end like an old play.” well, neither did the princess’ relationship with her father.

to continue with the shakespeare allusions, as much as i love and am heartbroken by the deathbed reconciliation between king henry iv and prince hal in henry iv, part 2 (a scene i was lucky to get to read with socshakes last september and which still lives in my head rent free), sometimes it simply doesn’t work out that way and you’re still left to pick up the pieces and forever wonder what might have been in those final moments on top of it.

living without that—without those answers, without closure, without any sort of comfort, on top of everything else—is so, so hard.

it is widely accepted that the love’s labour’s won mentioned in the catalogues is, in fact, a lost sequel and not an alternate name for any number of surviving shakespeare comedies. and while i have never found love in the manner of any shakespeare comedy, i believe nonetheless that i am living the princess’ story—a young woman, always grieving, trying to learn about life and figure out how to live it in a hostile world, trying to balance all the things, trying to come to terms with closure that will never come to her.

love’s labour’s lost fills me with an ache by the end. a true heartache, a deep emotional pain like few other stories i have ever come across. when i first saw it, i praised it for being messy and real. i saw me in it. i saw my own grief. i saw what i could have been, the kind of person i was before that fateful and fatal summer, the realization that we must leave that self behind because they can no longer navigate this new world, the not wanting to let go, the not understanding why but knowing you have to anyway. to know you have to take the other road.

***

recently, for a local exhibit, a museum asked people in the area to send in writing about their regrets, something they wished had happened differently. mine was eventually one of the ones selected for inclusion. here it is.

in another lifetime, i am there when my father dies.

i am there, holding his hand, feeling the blood that connects us rush through him, hearing his breaths—however shallow.

skin on skin.

i’m able to tell him one last time that i love him, i will always love him. perhaps through all the pain that comes with a pancreatic cancer diagnosis, the sleep-like state he was in for most of the last two days, he will hear me and even respond.

my family can all grieve together, knowing we all saw it happen and we all got a strange sort of closure.

my relationship with him on this earth would not feel like a perpetually unfinished story, with an ending written when i wasn’t even there.

but it is this lifetime.

someone once said grief is just love with no place to go. i believe that. and, well, this is my life. i have to muddle through and believe, make closure out of thin air and time, let love go nowhere and everywhere.

***

so, life imitates art and vice versa. and thank you @socialshakespeare for letting me have this story that has come to mean so much to me in the few short months since i first came across it. <3

[kanmom51]

This is not written to or about you. In your mind's voice please read it as I am speaking to and about the people who have written some excited rants. I like your site a lot and like your perspectives on JiKook topics. I am hoping, if nothing else, it might inspire a conversation for you. I wasn't sure where to share it since I am new to Tumblr and really don't plan to be a big poster.

================The thoughts==============

Some 'fans' and foes are losing their minds over Jimin participating in a song as a feature artist that has multiple performers, one of whom has - according to the conversations - done horrible things and has a bad reputation. However, many of these same people were not as concerned about Jungkook who performed in Qatar that has huge human rights violations and controversies. Qatar has been doing this for much longer and harming many more groups of people. The information is easy to research. Yet these same people and others have no problem supporting a KPop industry that exploits underage people with excessive work and sexual behavior. The very industry they support has had its own sexual abuse scandals and unfortunate suicide incidents, but yet they are now out of sorts about supporting Jimin with this song. I'm not in any way defending the rapper, if the information is confirmed to be true, and I am not saying it wouldn't be wise for Jimin to be aware of who he is working with, but he likely recorded a song in an isolated studio and didn't even meet the performers he was singing with. He would not work in this industry if he based his choices on only working with saintly people who never did wrong things or only behaved in ways that were perfect. As an aside, I don't know the personal behaviors of any of the other people on the song. I just don't understand the hypocrisy and the emotional tantrums people are having without thinking through information, much less looking at their own lives to see if they would have trouble being held to the same standards they hold BTS, but apparently Jimin in particular, to. If you are not who I am referring to with the descriptions above, feel free to disregard these thoughts. No need to be offended if you are not anyone referenced here.

Thanks for your time, Kanmom51. Keep up the good work.

I'm actually with you on this one @jimin-bangtan .

The hypocrisy in this fandom hits me every single time.

Let's start With Kodak Black why don't we?

Born 1997, now 25 yo man. Not without controversy around him, he has been involved in several illegalities in the past.

I will say this and be loud and clear: KB is NOT a nice person.

He's been involved in drug and illegal arms offenses and beyond the charges I will talk about below, the reason people are up in arms about the collab, he has been said to get rough with women. In my books he's a douche, and if he ever raises his hand at a woman he needs to pay the price for it. Period.

But the main issue that has people upset about is his rape charges. people screaming about how can JM be collaborating with a rapist.

So, let's make one thing clear here.

KB IS NOT A CONVICTED RAPIST.

Plain and simple.

Well not so simple, because the legal system (law) and justice are two different things, at times intertwine and at times travel on parallel lines that never meet.

It actually goes both ways - people that literally get away with murder on the one hand and innocent people that have their lives ruined by wrongfully charged or convicted on the other.

But the legal system, as flawed as it is, is what we have.

Why this long winded explanation?

Well because KB was accused he raped a high school student in Feb 2016. He was charged for it in October 2017.

But 5 years later the prosecution reached a plea deal with him, the sex offenses were dropped (not even being accused of statutory rape, which is having consensual sex with a minor) and he was convicted of assault and battery and received a suspended sentence and probation.

I know this feels a little technical, but it is super important to make these distinctions. He was accused of rape but not convicted of it.

It is what it is.

He is a douche but he is not a convicted sex offender douche.

And if we are already talking about douches and problematic musicians, it's funny how everyone seems to wake up with these complaints and criticism when it involves JM.

Why is that? I ask myself.

Where were those people when Hobi was collabing with Crush? Where were they when BTS collabed with Snoop Dogg? Do I even bring up all the scandals he was involved in?

The above mentioned is merely an example of some of Snoop Dogg's issues.

Nothing, silence, you could hear a pin fall. Well, actually, not really. Because of all of the cheers and screams of joy that were heard when that collab was announced. Funny. Or not really.

And let's think about the examples in this ask why don't we?

JK doing the song for the Qatar games, well that didn't go without scrutiny. There were voices of criticism sounded, but those voices pretty much died down and at the end of the day, the song and JK as well, received the full support from the fandom.

And the K-pop industry?

"Yet these same people and others have no problem supporting a KPop industry that exploits underage people with excessive work and sexual behavior. The very industry they support has had its own sexual abuse scandals and unfortunate suicide incidents, but yet they are now out of sorts about supporting Jimin with this song."

Say it louder for the people in the back!!!

YG just announced their new girl group. Guess how old the youngest member is?

13 yo.

13

As much as that is a favourite Jikook number, it sure isn't an appropriate age for a child to debut with a girl group in an industry that sexualises young girls the way it does. And it's not that the others are much older either.

Cookie someone?

So yeah, we all need to be conscious of our choices. Who we listen to, where our money goes, who and what we support. And it's ok to criticise our faves, I'd even go as far as to say it's our duty to do so. But a. it's a case to case basis, meaning circumstances matter (which means what the level of involvement is with that person, for example); and b. let's not be hypocrites here. Let's not have double standards. If we feel it's wrong to collab with a problematic rapper, that standard applies not only to JM but to every other member of the band and the band as a whole.

Period.

[kybelles]

hi love! I'm feeling devious so for the choose violence asks, 24 and 25

HIII BABY 💞💞 i sincerely hope you don’t mind me answering everything via your ask 🥹 i just didn’t want to spam the tl with my non-stop posting!

1.the character everyone gets wrong

JOKASTE!!! 😩 sooo many times in fan creations she’s a mustache twirling villain and look i get it! she needs to go in order to lamen to be together but i don’t know why each time she needs to cheat on damen…. people can break up for other reasons yk…..

i feel like people don’t really get how much jokaste holds damen in such a high regard. the first time she talked to laurent she was full of praises for damen and yes although the majority of the reason was to taunt laurent, it was too heartfelt to be faked entirely. i find her a quite tragic character honestly. in another world she would be proud and happy to be to be damen’s queen 🙁 i wish more ppl cared about her OR stop portraying her as this cold unfeeling girlboss who was sooo sick of damen’s bs that she punished him by gleefully fucking kastor….. i really really don’t think that’s who she is. she loved damen in her own way. she was also a sentimental woman. (her last letter to damen will never make me not emotional….)

3.screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

SCREENSHOT OMG hats off to any brave soul who actually posts it….. also the collection on bad takes is so rich idk what to choose… ok i got one: so i genuinely don’t remember the details but a few years ago there was a post circulating about how laurent was actually Good All Along (yes even in book one where he drugged damen and then threw him into a rape ring and also had him whipped after intentionally setting him up 🙂 ) and it had so many likes…. i’ll never ever understand the need to whitewash book 1 laurent’s actions. like why do you even stan a controversial character if you don’t like his controversial aspects…. i really believe this is quite the disservice to such a multidimsensional character like laurent. :/

7.what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how the fandom acts about them?

hmm i wouldn’t say hate but some posts i read about auguste made me sorta dislike him  😬 idk when and where i read it but there was one post in particular that said they wish auguste would come back to life and beat the shit out of damen and i was like WOAHHH??? you want the mc (who you spent three books with) to be beaten brutally by some canon fodder?? for what crime???  i was honestly weirded out.

there’s also the fact that i genuinely HATE l*uguste (despite not being an anti shipper in general or anything! this ship just rubs me the worst way bc laurent experienced so much trauma from the way ppl made up incest rumors about him and auguste) so any interpretation (even if they aren’t written as a romantic pair intentionally) where auguste and laurent have this unhealthy codependent bond with auguste acting like a ferocious caveman to any potential romantic suitor of laurent and laurent being all meek and allowing this treatment is a big no for me. ✋ so yes even tho i don’t hate auggie boy i can’t say i care a great deal about him. sorry baby i’m sure you are just dandy.

8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

that damen is an unreliable narrator 😩i talked about it in my previous post!

12.the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them

EGERIA THE MF QUEEN OF AKIELOS 🗣️🗣️ i actually like every member of the akielos trio (theomedes-hypermenestra-egeria) sm because their situation reminds me of turkish harem dramas. 🤭 the lack of canon information about them allows me to make various hcs and backstories and idk i just think it’s fun!

13.worst blorboficiation

JFC i’m SOOOO old i’m ANCIENT bc i have no idea what this means….. i’d be happy to answer it if you give me some clarification (hiding my face in shame)

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

oh luckily i already answered it here!

17.there should be more of this type of fic/art

I’m always a huge advocate for bottomianos even though i myself shamefully haven’t made a contribution 💔 as for art i’m beyond grateful for our wonderful artists and i humbly would like to see more of the old gang! (theo, egeria, aleron, hennike etc.)

21.part of canon you think is overhyped

hmm i unfortunately can’t think of an answer for this one, i’m sorry!

24.topic that brings up the most rancid discourse

OH DEAR… so one of the first times i actively participated in the fandom i made a post about how frustrating it was to see theomedes portrayed as an absent father despite the glaring lack of canon evidence while aleron got off the hook much easier despite laurent actually confirming he was an absentee and said i think it was about the way people perceive them (theomedes=brown and toxic, aleron=white and tastefully distant) anyways, some user whom i never talked to before (and they’re still blocked to this day despite the fact i pretty much never block anyone here) said i was “making it up” and right after i blocked them after they continued talking to me in a very rude manner some asks ✨mysteriously✨ appeared in my inbox and the person who sent them called me an “illiterature white bitch” who made up nonexistent drama…….. so yes i guess the colorism issue really ruffles some people’s feathers :) i wonder why :) 

25. common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing

“why didn’t damen figure out the regent’s abuse of laurent sooner is he stupid” setting aside the 574619 different pacat interviews where she talks about how damen needed to be oblivious bc otherwise laurent would never open up to him, why is it so wild to think damen wouldn’t assume the regent would do something like that to his own nephew? as if the entire canon events didn’t happen bc damen believed families would never hurt each other…. just wow

[veryace-ficrecs]

Hey! Would you do an outsider pov list of stuff i havent seen in a while or new stuff if you can find it

you got it! o(*￣▽￣*)ブ

POV Outsider Fic Recs

Avatar

the cain instinct by orphan_account - rated G

In which the Fire Lord is a competent and compassionate leader trying to head a successful international peace summit, but he is also a seventeen-year-old boy. And the Avatar won't stop calling him his great-grandson, and thus is in sore need of a beatdown.

Star Wars

i implore you (it’s time to come back) by HiddenEye - Rated T

And then, the door swings open, with Luke opening his mouth to no doubt tell her off, when he freezes at the sight of the Mandalorian. “You gotta be kidding me.” Luke blurts out, burning a hole into the middle of his new visitor’s head with a vicious frown.

Supernatural

A Missed Connection by hearnopromises - Not Rated

On their way to visit Sam, Dean and Castiel sit next to a young woman on their departing flight from Kansas. Dean thinks the bumblebee pin on her bag would make a perfect gift for his husband. She thinks Dean would make a perfect addition to her bed.

25 and Still Alive by goldenraeofsun - Rated G

Claire steps out of Jay Street Diner with relief. It wasn’t a bad morning shift, overall. She overheard a few out-of-towners gossiping about a weird death a couple cities over that she’ll check out tonight. Outside, she takes a deep breath of air that doesn’t smell like pancake syrup and bacon and pulls out her phone. The screen lights up with no new texts from Castiel, even though he usually makes plans for lunch by now. But no, the last thing he sent her was a link to a video of a cat walking across a piano three days ago. Claire looks up and stops dead in her tracks. The Impala idles next to the curb.

stars & dots by piesexuality - Rated T

The thing is that Jack is a good student. A great student, even.

As the school counselor, Vera’s been trying to make sense of it on her own for awhile. He's such a nice boy, but his behavior is off-putting in a way she can't quite put her finger on. She hates having to bring parents into the equation, but with Jack, she’s reached the point where there’s simply nothing else she can do.

9-1-1

so darlin', save the last dance for me by ashavahishta - Rated T

"I’m wearing a wedding ring! Do I have to get ‘property of Buck Diaz’ tattooed on my forehead?”  “Oh, Buck would love that,” Lena laughs.   “He really would,” Eddie muses with a grin. “He’d get a matching one. Might help with all the thirsty single parents he deals with at his job.”  “Doesn’t he have your wedding photo prominently displayed in his office?” “And like ten photos of us with Christopher, yep,” Eddie agrees. “Doesn’t stop people from trying.” Or: "Eddie Diaz drinks his 'I fucking love my husband' juice for ANOTHER 6,000 words", feat: Dad!Buck, mother hen Eddie, and Pride celebrations with the 118.

with sweet (mis)understanding by cloudyycolfer - Rated T

“You’re a lifesaver, Evan.” “I know.” Buck replies. “It’s in the job description.” Maddie’s eyes are stuck on her brother. “You’re in his will and you still think he isn’t in love with you?” or the one where evan buckley and eddie diaz are keeping their relationship underwraps. (the 118 have their speculations and theories on the truth)

Red Ribbon by AshwinMeird - Rated G

Nell was familiar with the many injury-prone members of the 118 because of her dad's stories from making them cakes but also from being the one running the front of the shop and taking their cake orders. Only this time it wasn't a return to work from an injury cake. This was a getting together cake for two of the firefighters.

Eyes On You by sealeviathan - Not Rated

Hen liked their new probie. Buck was easy to get along with. He had a husband and a son, he was good at his job and helped everyone to the best of his ability. Not only that, but he was actually interesting. He was passionate, funny, caring and he fit well into the team dynamic. Hen was happy with this information - happy with her knowledge of one Evan Buckley. That being said, she really didn't expect Buck to be the disloyal type. But here he was, at a bar, practically drooling over some bartender in front of all of his coworkers. The guy even seemed familiar with Buck. --- Or: The fic where Buck blatantly lusts over Eddie. Hen and Chimney worry they're about to witness a marriage-ending move because Buck failed to mention that Eddie is the man he's married to.

come home to my heart by coupe_de_foudre - Rated G

“Ev?” an unfamiliar voice rings through the room, following the sound of the front door being ripped open, and Bobby’s head whips in the direction it comes from, “Evan Buckley-Diaz, you better be here or so help me God! You’re in serious shit.”

Spider-Man

Five Times Tony Stark's Fabled Intern Just Showed Up + One Time He Was Invited by kingdomfaraway - Rated G

While Leroy didn’t like gossip, he wasn’t immune to it and he’d heard about a young boy claiming to be Tony Stark’s intern showing up randomly throughout the building. He just figured it was some random mystery, a Stark Industries cryptid if you will. Never did he think he’d have a sighting. “Are you Peter Parker?” Leroy questioned, narrowing his eyes at the young boy, looking for any signs of deceit. “Oh yeah, that’s me, hi!” Possibly Fabled Intern Peter Parker reached into his pocket and pulled out a badge and lanyard, this one with his face on it and INTERN written underneath it. “Mr. Stark got me a badge so I can get nachos whenever I want.”

Yuri!!! On Ice

Fill the World with Music by prettybirdy979 - Rated T

It's been a whirlwind of a week for Phichit, not only because of his competing in the Grand Prix Finals. Yuuri seems to have made it his mission to surprise everyone a dozen times over before the end of the competition. But there's only the gala exhibition tomorrow to go. Surely Yuuri (and Viktor) can't manage one more surprise by then? (Aka that fic where Viktor breaks twitter, Yuuri breaks the internet then pretends to not understand, and together they break their friends)

The Time(s) The Internet Collectively Exploded by MEIXIU - Rated T

It started with Victor Nikiforov's departure from Figure Skating to suddenly pursue a career in coaching with a certain Japanese man and then it escalated quickly from then on.

#KissOrHug by Aurum - Rated G

Yuuri and Victor make #Victuri trend worldwide. Phichit accidentally makes it worse.

My fun fact is: by stillmadaboutpetra - Rated G

Yuuri fails to mention to his new non-skater friends who he is or who his husband is. Or that he even has a husband.

How To Train Your Dragon

familiar (but this time i've had some practice) by aloneintherain - Rated T

Every decade, three teenagers are dragged from the future and placed in their younger bodies to give predictions that will set the tone for the next ten years on Berk. But how are three dragon riders supposed to give prophecy to a village full of dragon-hating vikings? (Time travel AU)

Naruto

Sasuke's No Good Very Bad Teammates by GwendolynStacy - Rated T

Naruto and Sakura have gone insane. Or: Just after becoming Team 7 Naruto and Sakura go through a massive shift in personality, leaving Sasuke out of the loop and wondering what in the name of sanity could have happened to them. His only consolation is that Kakashi is just as weirded out as he is.

Batman

The five times Flash came to Gotham for help and the one time he didn't need to (5+1) by Silver_Athena - Not Rated

Barry needs help solving a murder, he goes to Gotham for help. Though he's looking for Batman he seems to constantly run into new heroes. Why do they all seem connected to Batman? --- “You know where he lives?” “I practically live there myself, why is this so surprising to you? You’ve worked with him for- Oh… oh my God, you guys don’t know!"

[dumplingsjinson]

Honestly, I really feel for you dealing w/ cat guy. My first relationship was also in my 20's. 21-23; I'm 28 now and if I had to give some advice that I wish I learned sooner. It would be that

"The people who deserve the benefit of the doubt, rarely fucking need it."

When I think back on that relationship and even old friendships, the only reason they sustained themselves as long as they did was BECAUSE I was constantly giving the benefit of the doubt and rationalizing their behavior probably more than they did. It wasn't until I was 25+ did I start to take those rose-colored glasses off and realize, we are adults here. You are conscious of your behavior, ESP when you have someone like you and myself, who gain the courage to communicate how their behavior is effecting us.

If they are not changing their behavior after said communication, there's your answer. You're not compatible, they are not mature enough to maintain the type of relationships you want to have in your life and that's fine.

My first partner and I had good communication, we did care for each other a lot, and tried to work on things as much as we could, but ultimately. We were growing at different paces and that's okay. It hurt, but it was for the best. 3 years in and we were still having the same conversations. I get wanting to work on things, so I stayed and was patient like you are doing now. kudos!

He began doing that thing, that I think someone else mentioned, where, they pretty much create a hostile environment within the relationship (coldness, ignoring, doing things they know you don't like, passively involved with dating/ bounding activities, entertaining other connections) until you address their behavior and eventually you break up with them. They put the weight and pressure on you to pull the plug b/c they are too passive, cowardly honestly, to do it themselves. I think that hurt the most b/c it doesn't matter how open and understanding you are. How patient you've been and encouraging.

A person who lies to themself, (makes excuses for themselves) will lie to you too. A person who doesn't want to face their demons will sabotage a relationship with a person like you, who will face them with uncomfortable conversations.

Now as I am older, vagueness and uncertainty is a red flag. Even if you are uncertain, that is something you can communicate. I date to marry and I don't go on dating apps so I can't give advice there. Although, imo the moment you became official, accounts should have been deactivated/deleted.

I also realized as "traditional" or "cliche" as it may seem. I want to be asked to be you gf. This generation started this thing where we play a relationship until one day were like, "Are we a couple?" and the other is like "Yeah. Isn't it obvious?" (my 1st was like this as well) NO! lmao Where was the declaration to be exclusive?? That is key!

I want ppl who are as considerate of me as I am of them and I am sure you are like this as well. Someone who will shoot me a text saying "hey, I'm going to be swamped with X-Y &Z this coming week so I won't be on my phone as much," or "Thinking of you," Even if that's the only text I get for a couple of days.

It was only in situations where I was going a week or two with nothing that made me get "clingy". I learned that the "anxiety" and overthinking was one, a defense mechanism, and two, indicated to me that there was some need not being met.

I applaud you for acknowledging your faults, but ppl who are the "problem" rarely even do that, so I am sure you're not over thinking. lol

Your intuition should not be ignored. "How a relationship begins, is ultimately exactly how it will end"

It's also fine to not do long distance. It doesn't work for some people and that's okay too <3

First of all, thank you for this, and for sharing your experience. 

Honestly, he did change his behaviour after the first time I told him about my overthinking and my anxiety, but he fell back on old habits recently, which is why I had to address the issue again. I do understand how draining work can be for him, and I’ve had bouts where I’ve done the same thing of not texting someone or just completely ignoring people (have done the same to him too, ngl) because I was too mentally drained to even want to converse with someone or reply to someone. Like, you’ll see me active, but I only have the mental capacity to mindlessly scroll and like things but not enough capacity to reply to you. 

I choose to believe he can sustain this behaviour, but obviously if I have to keep reminding him in the future then I do realise things aren’t going to work out. And I want to believe if he really doesn’t see things working out, he’s going to fucking tell me instead of not doing shit about it and finding someone else behind my back.

Perhaps he is conscious of his behaviour — we all are, let’s be honest, but the extent may vary — but I also think he’s genuinely someone who struts around, no thoughts head empty and I mean this in the least offensive way possible. And I also think being conscious of one’s behaviour doesn’t mean you’re conscious of how your behaviour could hurt someone, if that makes sense? And sometimes it takes a bit of a nudge for you to realise you’re fucking it up for someone else. Because I’ve been that person who’s been conscious of their behaviour, yet doesn’t realise the amount of hurt she’s caused with that behaviour until it’s been directly slapped in her face. It’s still something I’m trying to get better at, and I’ve failed many a times, and still fail at at times.

And I think this distance thing has been a real struggle for him, as it is for me because as I’ve said before, I did think of breaking up during the whole thing. I did think maybe things wouldn’t work out and I should just call it quits. I did think maybe I should just find someone else instead, instead of staying and seeing if things could work out. I did think of upping and leaving and breaking his heart just to save my own. Many times. Even recently, few days before the whole Hinge thing. I’m selfish, in a way because I want to save myself from the hurt and I’ve seriously contemplated on that.

…Do you see why I need therapy? 

Anyway, it doesn’t excuse what he did because it’s wrong that he did that and I think he realises it, but I think it’s a mere plausible explanation of why he did that wishy washy slippy sloppy shit, especially considering how he broke up with his last ex because of long distance. 

I do believe he’s going to do better (or at least I want to believe he will do better) because from the amount of time I’ve known him, I don’t think he’s going to be someone who would, as you’ve said,  “create a hostile environment within the relationship.” I know it’s going to hurt like shit if it doesn’t work out even after I’ve been patient with him but I’m willing to try, and I’m willing to not give up for now. I choose to believe he can change and that he will stick to actually being more transparent with me instead of doing wishy washy shit, and if I can drag his ass out of that shell of his then I’m going to fucking do it. Maybe I’m just a stubborn piece of shit who’s willing to get herself hurt in the process.

As they say, DO IT FOR THE PLOT (where it perhaps may end up with me having to heal in the trenches AHAHA, but let’s hope that’s not going to be the case). 

Yeah, the accounts thing is also something I probably should have discussed with him the moment we became official, or even when we first became exclusive; would have avoided a lot of grief that’s happening right now LOL, so I do think I’m also at fault I didn’t immediately call for deletion because honestly, I was also wanting to keep my account paused and dormant but ready to be reactivated if things don’t end up working out. And I’ll be honest, I did occasionally check to see if he’d change up the details since he did that when we were casually dating, so I kind of kept my account up for that reason too. So this trust is definitely going to have to be rebuilt, and I also need to learn to trust someone more (just in general) because I’m someone who finds it hard to trust people easily which isn’t going to fly in any relationship. Constantly suspicious for no reason is tiring and damaging, I do realise that. (Which is why uh… THERAPY?) 

Again, I’ve done as he did with the whole “purely chatting and looking for friends thing”, which I’ve elaborated in my other post so yeah, I think that’s why I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt. 

As for the relationship thing, I personally am someone who doesn’t mind not being asked to be someone’s girlfriend; just as long as we’re on the same page then I’m good. But of course, personal preferences varies which is understandable lolol. I will say he did try to make a conscious effort of doing what you said; shooting me a text to ask how I am, and texting those other things as well. I’ll be honest, I’ve completely fallen short on that myself, simply because I find myself to be annoying when I message him with anything like that. Biggest flaw about me is when I start to like someone, I end up drawing back. And it probably makes me look like an asshole who doesn’t initiate conversations, or simply someone who doesn’t care. I am trying to do better on this front though, cause it would be hypocritical of me to expect him to do the initiating to ease my mind while I do nothing like that in return. I have been pretty hypocritical thus far since he’s usually the one initiating, usually the one telling me all that sweet stuff, usually the one being “considerate”. Maybe he doesn’t need as much as reassurance as I do but I can’t be giving him nothing in return. I’ve got communication issues myself (again, not just in romantic relationships) which I’m tryna work on. 

But he’s never left me hanging for a week, so I’ll give him that LMFAO. However, let me just go off topic for a bit and mention how long distant dude left me hanging for weeks? Months? Yep. So I know how that shit feels, and I’m glad cat guy is at least not that much of a fucking prickass bitch. 

The long distance thing is only temporary; it isn't like, permanent lmao, or I would have just broken it off with him completely (or he would have done that with me since we both know he can't handle that shit based on how he broke up with his ex last time). I also don’t think I can do long distance myself, and this whole thing right now is proving it. Long distant dude should have been a clue-in, honestly.

I thank you for saying I’m probably not overthinking, but I know my brain is wired a little differently and I’m just someone who overthinks literally everything. Not just in relationships. And then I end  up doing shit wrong because of my overthinking. I’m also not exactly squeaky clean myself in this whole thing; part of the problem, honestly. The only difference is I’m aware of it and I’m trying to be better, yet I still fall short. 

And I hope he can, too, if he’s willing to work with me on this. I honestly think he probably had shit going on when he was dating those two other people, and the communication was probably at rockbottom, which is why he’s never learned to communicate properly. And he also seems like someone who bottles up his feelings and emotions. Obviously these are all assumptions based on various observations of mine (such as me being around his family and seeing how he interacts with them; hearing him talk about how his friend group doesn’t seem to really open up about things — hell, they don’t even know who’s dating and who’s not LMFAO, etc.) 

What I am learning from dating is that a lot of people need therapy, myself included. 

Again, I don't really trust my intuition simply because I know I'm someone who overthinks everything, even the simplest of things, and honestly, I think social media and different opinions have made it harder for me to decide what's true and what's not. I've been seeing so many blanket statements made about the situation I'm kind of in, and it genuinely hurts because I want to believe things can be different and that there are exceptions, however small of a chance there is. Call me a fool, but I want to see if things will work out. And if I get hurt, that’s on me, but at least I know I’ve given it my all. Obviously I hope things don’t turn sour lol. 

I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt for my own sake at this point, because I need a peace of mind, and I want to move on from this and hope for the best in the future. Obviously if he fucks me over, he’s going to fuck himself over too because it’s going to hurt him if I break if off with him — I’m very confident of that, at the very least. 

But yeah, perhaps I’m a little delusional, but I’m ready to move the fuck on and parade on and hope for the best. It’s either heartbreak or triumph for me at this point wekfnfklewn

[ladylooch]

Hi B, I hope you had an awesome day!

I'm venturing into your asks without doing it anonymously - hoping I don't fall flat on my face with this ask. It's a long one, too 😬

Just a little preface - I went to visit my parents today after they returned from their Caribbean vacation. My Dad was diagnosed with Parkinsons about 15 years ago, and despite his mobility issues, everything went well with the assistance they were provided through the 2 weeks. So, they traveled home, and while my Mom went to get the luggage cart, my Dad saw their bag come out in the carousel. This is not going to sound funny, but trust me... they were laughing as they told me this. He decides to try and grab the bag, and he does - but he loses his balance and falls to the ground. He still has a solid grip on the bag and doesn't let go. He's then dragged along the floor alongside the carousel for about 20 feet before he lets go of the bag.

So, with all of that, I was wondering, between Timo and Nico, or even any other men in your AUs, who deals with embarrassing moments the best vs the worst? Does anyone get mad or annoyed or can they laugh it off?

Thanks so much, as always, B!

Oh my gosh!!! hahahahaha! I knew someone who had Parkinsons for over 25 years, so I completely understand that these stories are funny and offer some sunlight in the midst of a really dark disease. Hugs to you babe and your parents! It's a really tough one 😘

Nico is the best in these moments. He rolls with it all. Not much rattles him. He is also the one that is very much a caretaker. If Lexi trips, "baby! are you okay!" If she gets sick and he has to help clean her up, he is all about dignity with her, stepping out if that is what she prefers or keeping his eyes focused on her face. One time, Lexi and Nico are wrestling around on the couch and Lexi lets out a lil toot. Nico immediately pops up, looking down at her red face. She is completely mortified. Nico literally locks eyes with her and says "That is the cutest fart I have ever heard." Lexi responds with, "I want to die." And then there is Nico: "No, babe do it again! that was so cute!" 💀

Timo is similar too! Although I don't see him thinking Emma's farts are cute.But we see his roll with it attitude with him and Em all the time. It's more so about making sure she is okay, feeling out if he can make fun of her or not, and then going from there. During her first pregnancy, so much is happening to Emma's body that he doesn't dare make fun of any of that. He knows she is too sensitive about the changes. I feel like Emma is always running out the door late after having Lio, so she will leave the house in her slippers or Crocs to go meet clients. Timo is constantly meeting her in the city with her high heels 😂 Eventually, he just hides a pair in her car so he doesn't have to keep rescuing her.

[kooktrash]

I'm struggling to process his smoking, but not for reasons most people are complaining about. I lost my grandma at a young age to emphysema. The only memories I really have of her are her oxygen tanks all over her home. She couldn't even leave her house because she was oxygen dependent. My uncle has emphysema and it's hard seeing him go through really bad coughing spells. There have been times where I thought he was going to pass out from coughing so hard. My parents have been heavy smokers for 40+ years, so I'm worried about them too. My mom's lips have ugly brown stains on them from all the smoking. My uncle's fingernails are stained brown. All of their teeth are stained brown. It's really hard seeing the people you love look like that and die from that.

Aside from that, I had first hand experience what living with smokers is really like. It's not a glamorous lifestyle. I lived at home with my parents for about 25 years. There is nothing worse than watching the pretty color you picked for your walls in your bedroom turn brown within a year of painting. There is nothing worse than picking up a picture frame of you and your best friend and feeling how sticky it is from nicotine. It covers everything and turns it all brown and sticky. And washing it? Forget about it. Just throw it away. And there is nothing worse than at 13/14 years old going to a friend's birthday party and your friends asking why you smell like an ashtray. And there's nothing worse than your friends not wanting to come to your house because of how bad the smell of smoke. I can't tell you how alienated I felt as a teenager because all of my friends hated the smell of smoke. My parents were the only smoking parents out of my friend group.

All I have are bad memories relating to people smoking. It led to a lot of embarrassment for me. So for me to see JK smoking, all I picture is him at 50 years old looking like my parents and uncle with their stained lips, teeth and fingernails, or worse, being oxygen dependent and dying like my grandma. It's very hard for me to process that JK isn't going to turn out like that. I just keep seeing the negative side of it, and the images are horrifying to me.

I know that he is a grown adult that is well aware of the risks of smoking. It's his decision to ignore those risks. I'm not about to parent him. I don't even know him, so my opinion doesn't matter to him. I hope he's smoking casually, or socially with friends. I hope he's not smoking several packs a day like my family members do. I know how important singing is to him, and I want him to have a happy, healthy, successful career. I don't want to see his career cut short because of the decisions he made in his 20s. I wish he would not only think about today, but also think 10, 20, 30 years down the line. Your body does not stay young forever. The things you do when you're young affect you greatly as you age. Once you hit your 40s and 50s, you wind up regretting a lot of stuff you did in your 20s. Trust me, I know from experience. It's true.

None of what I've said will ever change the way I adore him. I think he is an amazing person, and a wonderful singer. He will always be my bias. I will never abandon him as a fan. I will always support him. But I don't have to support or like every decision he makes. We are all unique and we all have different opinions because we have experienced different things in life. For me, smoking has always been negative. So I come at his smoking from a negative point of view. Somehow I will have to accept it and move on and not let it bother me so much. But for now it's fresh in my mind and bothering me. I hope you can understand why I feel the way I feel.

i totally get it and this is just my opinion now but I’ve also always been surrounded by smokers all my life and I guess for ME I just don’t think of it as that big of a deal. Not to mention, most of us already knew that he vaped and like we knew Taehyung did too y’know and i think Yoongi but im not sure, I guess I just don’t see how it’s that big of a surprise to some [not saying you <3] to see him smoke and then attack him for it. he’s grown and he knows the dangers of smoking and like you don’t have to support his decisions but it’s the people villainizehim for a norm thing that drive me nuts

[my-only-way-tocooperatewithlife]

One more drink XII. -Pierre Gasly series

Hello everyone! :)

I'm back, I have partied myself out.

After you turn 20 years old I think it's getting harder to stay up longer especially parties, you need more time to recover. But after 25..... and you dance the whole night from 10pm till 3am...😂😂 You feel like you are dying, everything hurts. But it was worth it totally.☺☺

Thank you guys for all the likes and reblogs, and for your patience. Hope you will like this one too.

Love you ♥

Pairing: Pierre Gasly x fem!reader

warning: swearing, language, mention of depression, alcohol usage, smut

Masterlist

— Previous part — —Next part —

~ Budapest, Hungary ~

After the race I have left Italy the next day due to that Roxy's wedding will be on friday, and as one of the bridesmaid I have had a lot of things to do till that day.

Just the usual things like getting nails done, going to the hairdresser for a touch up. I have had some errands to run for the bar also, on Thursday night I was driving back to my place when my phone rang.

"Hi doll." Pierre's voice came through of the car's speaker. I loved his pet names for me, it always made me blush. I love that we could spend days together and even if I missed him a lot during the time we could not manage to meet up we still Facetimed or texted during the day. Even if we have spend days together we could still understand and respect if the other one needed alone time, and we did not make a huge deal about it.

"Hi" I yawned as I was sitting in the traffic jam not too far away from my apartment. The sound of a windshield wiper filling the car as it steadily wiped away the drops of water, it was showering out there, you can definetly feel that summer is over.

"You sound really tired."

"I feel exhausted. I was running around all day, the supplier forgot our order for the bar so I was driving all day around the city picking up all the things I have ordered. Also we went to the last fitting for Roxy's dress and we have took that one home too. I have the bridemaid dress in the trunk, it's perfectly fitting and it's so pretty. And now I'm like five minutes away from home, but the traffic is terrible."

"That's perfect because I'm soaking wet."

"What?"

"I'm standing at your entrance for the last ten minutes, but it started to rain and..."

"You were supposed to come on Friday morning."

"I was about to scare you like you did with me but I did not calculate the rain in..."

"I'm there in a minute." I ended the call with a huge smile on my face. This guy is unbeliveable. I shook my head as I parked the car and jogged to the entrance. He was waiting for me with open arms and I run to him into his embrace. "Come, I don't want you to get sick." I grabbed his hand and pulled him inside.

We were currently sitting at the hotel room with the hairdressers and make up artists going around us. My make up was done the hairdresser was about to pin up my hair to a half updo when I heard a knock on the door.

"What's the password?" I walked closer to the door without opening it.

"I don't know babe, probably that I'm not the groom." Pierre laughed from the other side of the door and I opened it just a little and poked my head out.

"We are only in our underware."

"And you have not told me this earlier? I would have got my make up done if I can have three women around me in their underware. " He joked and laughed as I smacked his upper arm.

"Let's meet at the room, I'm nearly finished okay?" He leaned closer and pecked a small kiss on my lips before he nodded and started to walk away.

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"I need your help a little bit with my shoes." I called for him from the bathroom, as I was struggling putting my high heels on. " I can't bend down because of the corset is squeezing out my internals." I giggled as I walked out and seeing him sitting on the ottoman at the end of the bed tying his shoes. I stopped at the door of the bathroom and I was just staring at him. That white shirt with the suit looked incredible on him. He looked so elegant and beautiful and of course mouthwateringly hot.

"Like what you see amour?" He joked as he was finishing with his shoes before he looked up. "Oh wow..." His eyes were going up and down in my emerald green long flowy infinity dress (x) that was custom made for us. "You are breathtakingly beautiful." His eyes finally came on contact with mine and he let a smile on his face. I felt the heat is growing in my cheeks and I looked down on my feet while I was dangling my shoes in my hand. "What were you saying about helping you?"

"I can't put my shoes on, Viki pulled that damn corset so much I can't even breath. But at least my boobs look perfect in it." I giggled as I looked at the mirror and feeling proud of the cleavage that the dress made me have. Pierre got up and walked closer to me as he took the shoes out of my hand and got on his knees. Lifted the end of the dress and softly grabbed one of my ankle to help me in the shoes. I gripped on his shoulder for stabeling myself as he help me.

"Done." He got up and smiled at me. " You are still tiny but your boobs does look nice." He kissed my forehead with a cheeky smile. He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear from my updo before laid a small kiss on my lips. "Hope that not just your mascara is waterproof but that lipstick is smudge proof too, beacause I can't keep myself from kissing you." He whispered before laid a few more kisses on my lips.

"Hey lovebirds! " Ádám push the door open " Come we have a wedding to attend!"

-------------------------------------------------------------

The ceremony was beautiful. The place where the wedding was held had a huge lake with a tiny island on the middle of it, and that's where Roxy and her now husband tied their life together. I was really happy that the make up artist put on us some waterproof mascara because I was crying the whole ceremony. It was beautiful, the way her husband looked at her on the first time, and during the whole ceremony is just every girls dream a man would look at them like that. After the ceremony everyone moved to the venue where the party will be held. "They are so beautiful." I whispered as we were watching them having there first dance on the dancefloor. Pierre hugged me from behind and rested his chin on my shoulder. "I cant't believe my best friend who I know since we are kids is married.... And oh god they have started to talk about kids too." I sighed and leaned back to Pierre's chest more as we were swaying left to right to the rythm of the music.

"It's scary that we are growing up." He mumbeled in my neck and laid some small kisses there. "But that's life, and the best part is is if we can find someone that we can be as happy as them. They are just so in love with eachother." He murmured in my ears as he squeezed my hand. "Do you want to dance?" He asked as the pair left and everyone started to mingle around the dance floor and between the tables too.

"Wait, we agreed with Roxy that we will take a shot after the ceremony finished." Viki grabbed our arm keeping us there. The pair fought their way through the crowd, and jumped in our arms.

"Babes I'm married, fully commited to the one dick for the rest of my life club." She screamed in our ears as she was squeezing us hard.

"You know what does this mean, yea?" I looked at her husband poking his side as he was chatting with Pierre. " Your package has arrived. You just won two sisters. Two loud ones. Now we take one of our hands of her, our job of keeping her secure is done, we hand it over you." I squeezed his hand ad I was blinking fast trying to force the tears back, but as I saw that his eyes got watery too, I lost it. He grabbed both of our hands and pulled closer to his torso, and squezed us thightly in a hug.

"I always wanted sisters and I could never wish a better sisters like the two of you. Thank you girls for everything." he giggled and kissed both of our heads. "So I have heard something about a shot.." He wondered when one of the waiters appeared with a tray full off shot glasses with a clear liquid inside of it. " I ordered from the venue tequila just because of you girls." He looked at us as he gave out the glasses one by one.

"Egi! Cheers!" We all knocked our glasses together and drunk the burning liquid. From this point we have had multipule shots and other alchoholic beverages. It was around midnight and everyone was dancing around or chatting at the tables. The band was playing fantastic, they were mixing slower songs with faster ones, retro 80's and 90's hits with typical hungarian ones too. After the dinner we were dancing and singing for the whole night. I was pretty sure that tomorrow I will have no voice left. Of course we could not skip some ABBA songs, and made a total perfomance with my other two friends, which will definetly be in the video that the staff was making. The time was around midnight when I sat down at our table trying to catch my breath.

"Okay, so now I have seen half of a hungarian wedding what else can I expect?" Pierre asked as he was drinking his beer?

"Oh the best part, we have to sell the bride." I chuckled at his surprised expression. "It's about that this is the last chance that she is dancing in the wedding dress before it's midnight, bevause after midnight she will turn into a wife. But this is not for free. It sounds weird I know but this is a really old tradition. So when the dancing will start each person, or couple or family who wants to dance with the bride one more time, they have to put money in. We usually say that with this the bride can gather some money back which was spend for the wedding and they can have some spare for starting the life together."

"Oh, first it sounds weird but actually that's a pretty funny tradition. Do you think they would accept euro?" Pierre joked as he opened his wallet and pullet some banknote out, I tilted my head back as I laughed.

"Yea now I think it's better to invest in euro rather in hungarian forints."

He got really excited about this whole bride dancing, so when it started he grabbed my hand and pulled me up from the chair. He was the third pesron after the close family who put the money in the bucket and grabbed my hand and Roxy's hand for dancing. All I was feeling was happiness, seeing him this free and happy made me just more happier. He seemed like he was having so much fun.

As Pierre and I were on the side of the dance floor dancing to the beat of the music, his hands were on my lower back as my arms were around his neck as we were stepping side to side to the slowmusic.

"Thank you for coming with me."

"You don't need to thank me, I have to thank you that you have invited me. I needed this to relax a little bit. Especially after Monza." He pulled me closer and hid his face in my neck. "You were amazing there, I know you wanted a better result but you did an amazing job, I was so proud of you!" I took a step back and grabbed the side of his face to make him look into my eyes. "I'm proud of you, okay?" I whispered before he gave me a small smile and nodded and pulled me closer to kiss me.

"You are an amazing person. I'm so lucky that I have met you." He whispered on my lips before connecting our lips in a deep kiss.

---------------------------------------------------------------

"You know, I have never imagined that I will like my little sister's boyfriend, and I have never dreamed about that my little sister will date a celebrity." Ádám shook is head as we were standing close to the bar with my other siblings and chatting.

"Oh so you like him?" I pouted my lips as I looked at him with big eyes.

"Yes but don't get it in your head Gasly! I don't want to hear it tonight and never in my life that you are doing any funny adult business, is it clear?" he pointed his finger at us as I just leaned back at Pierre's torso and laughed letting my head fall back on his shoulder, when I saw a flash light not from far away.

"You guys were sooo cute, I wanted to take a photo of it but it got a little blurry."Viki pulled her mouth as she was showing us the picture.

"Can you send it over to me?" Pierre asked and Viki just nodded opening her messages.

It was around three in the morning when everyone started to go back to the hotel rooms, and as the last ones we could not say longer too. We were walking to our room hand in hand definetly not walking straight to the way of our room giggling about a few stupid things. "I will have a shower okay?" Pierre looked at me as he was already in the bathroom. "Wanna come?"

"I think I'm way too tired for anything." I sighed as I took the bobby pins and the other things out of my hair letting it loosy fall on my back. During the night I have changed the bridesmaid dress to a similar coloured dress and I changed my higheels to a much comfier sandals but still my feet were still killing me. I was waiting for him to finish at the bathroom and I was scrolling on my phone when my eyes got stucked at one post.

"With this girl I have many first things with. First metal concert in my life, first hungarian wedding. Can't wait to have many more firsts with you"

Said the caption of the picture it was the one that Viki took of us hugging and laughing at the same time. I saw that it was not a long time ago posted but it had so many likes and comments already. I clicked on the comments and I got floded by so many of them.

"OMG they are soooo cute" "Who is she??????" "OMG she is that girl from the hungarian grand prix with that F1 bar, where Charles and the other hanged out!" "Isn't she the one who was posted some pictures about in Belgium at that balcony?" "Oh yea, she is! But who is she really?" "I have her profile it's private but: @ itsmeginahun"

I put my phone down as it started to blow up wit the many following and message request.

"Is everything okay?" Pierre walked out of the bathroom with just a towel around his hips. I swallowed big as my eyes ran through on his body. I shook my head to wake myself up from the daydreaming.

"Guess they found out who is the misterious girl from the balcony."

"I should have ask you about it before posting." He was frowning as he walked closer to his suitcase taking a boxer out.

"It's okay, so now I can post from my account too." I smiled as I passed him and slapped his bare ass as I giggled and closed the bathroom's door.

Taglist:

@vividwritinglove

[esteemedproblem]

Gamzee & Karkat

[Plain text: Gamzee & Karkat]

These two are tragic. They care about each other, but in the world they were in, they weren't made for each other.

Gamzee was never in a mental position to be able to really help other people. Lil cal, no lusus, the pie. People either treated him high a mighty (Equius), with fear (Karkat & Tavros) or like shit (all of them minus Tavros I think.) They just shrugged off his addiction as that just being his personality. He needed help, likely help none of them could have provided, but they still could have been there for him. There is nothing wrong with needing more help than what you can mentally or physically give, but none of the trolls were really in the position to be able to do that for him. At best, they could have tried to help him get professional help if that even existed on alternia, and maybe as they all got older, they would have gotten him that help. However, the game would never allow them that growth he had to get through that with all his preexisting issues and get to deal with the struggle of being cut off completely unready which if you know anything about addiction is really bad. The game and doc scratch really did everything they could to make him a rage player and gave him none of the tools to become a healthy, stable rage player. In the canon story he really never stood a chance and that's so tragic to me.

On the other side of this ship is Karkat, who has spent his entire life afraid. He doesn't trust anyone, and his desire to attempt to help everyone, but especially highbloods, is probably influenced by that fear. He keeps avoiding his own problems, claiming he'll be a great government hero, so maybe he has a chance at living. His friends probably could have helped him survive if Condy wasn't receiving power from Lord English. Maybe Feferi could have stood a chance once she became an adult. Or even using technology to get him clothes that help mask his heat signature. I understand why he didn't, but I feel like he stood slightly better chance at his friends being able to help him if they were cool about it.

Specifically with his relationship to Gamzee, as long as he stayed afraid, it would never work out, and as a kid, he just assumed Gamzee was an idiot and not someone who needed help. Thought he was easy to deal with, annoying, passive idiot. I feel if he wasn't worried about dying every moment of every day he might have actually noticed what Gamzee was doing to himself and the harm it was causing the the aura of sadness that Gamzee accidentally slips through sometimes whenever people talk shit about him.

This is again just a ship that never stood a chance with the game in place, and doc scratches adjustments. I love them. I do. I believe in a hundred different worlds as they grow together, they find a balance. Karkat helping him and Gamzee protect him, but I don't think it would get better till they were at least 25. Both adults, have several years of therapy under their belt and being part of each others support system. (and maybe when they feel like it making out idk) I think the best thing for them the best trope per say is childhood friends that have a big falling out and meet each other years later and reconnect both nervous but genuinely missing each other despite their troubled past relationship so happy to see how far the other has gone.

We ship them both flushed, pale, both and fluctuating. We love our sad little gay men. They had no hope in HS tho.

[spnhunter4life]

So Long Version 2 Chapter 3

Word Count: 3.6k

A/N: A little bit of a shorter one this time. This is the first thing I wrote for this story. Here's the day Jenna turned 16. Enjoy!

Series Masterlist

Ages 16 and 17 June 25, 1996

I woke up, not exactly expecting to feel different, but maybe hoping. Today I would find out who my soulmate was. At least, I’d get a first name. Even though I knew it was stupid to get my hopes up, I couldn’t help but secretly want it to be Dean’s name. I was also nervous. Did I really want to know? If it wasn’t Dean, how would I deal with the disappointment? But if it was Dean, how could I possibly approach a subject like that? And even then, it wouldn’t mean it was Dean Winchester I was meant to be with. There were other Deans in the world. And wouldn’t he have said something by now if my name was tattooed on him somewhere?

Taking a deep breath, I looked over all of the skin currently exposed by my pajamas. Nothing on my arms or legs from the knees down. I looked at the clock and saw that it was already 9:30. I couldn’t believe I’d slept that long, that my dad had let me!

I jumped out of bed, grabbing my towel and clothes for the day, heading straight for the shower. I’d made one friend in this small Louisiana town, a very outgoing girl I’d bumped into while getting groceries with Sam and Dean. She’d been excited to meet someone new, saying all of her friends were on vacation for the summer, and she and I were supposed to meet up soon to spend the day together.

I started the shower to let the temperature adjust and then started the process of removing my clothes, checking each inch of revealed skin for a name. Nothing yet, then. Supposedly, the name showed up around the time of day you were born. I had no idea what time that was, so I would let Alyssa distract me for the day and check again tonight.

When I came out of the bathroom wearing shorts and a t-shirt with my hair in a ponytail to combat some of the summer heat, my dad, Ben, was just closing the door, chocolate chip muffins, my favorite breakfast food, in his hand.

“Happy birthday,” he smiled. “How does it feel to be 16?” He asked this question every year, but this was the big year, and it held a little more weight behind it. 

“It feels… pretty much the same as every other year I guess,” I told him honestly. Other than my nerves being slightly on edge with the upcoming soulmate reveal, it felt like any other day. “What are you still doing here? I thought you and John would’ve left by now.”

“That was the original plan, but I couldn’t leave without seeing my daughter on her birthday. I wanted to have the chance to eat breakfast together. The case can wait a couple hours,” he told me, sitting down at the table.

“Where are those two shadows of yours?” He teased as I took a seat across from him and grabbed a muffin. I knew he wouldn’t ask about my tattoo. He didn’t like people prying into his life and he didn’t pry into mine. He knew I’d tell him if I wanted to.

“I have no idea,” I replied as I peeled the wrapper off my muffin. “I haven’t seen either of them, but I just got up. Thanks for letting me sleep in by the way.”

“I figured one day can’t hurt. But don’t think you can go slacking off. It’s back to morning runs and training after this,” he said before taking a bite of his own muffin. “I still don’t understand why those boys aren’t here. You three make such a big deal out of each other’s birthdays, I half expected them to break down the door,” he mused.

“Maybe they forgot. And we don’t make ‘such a big deal’. One present and a movie night isn’t too much to ask. Besides, it’s mostly Sam. Dean always made a big deal about his birthdays growing up and so Sam learned to do the same for us,” I told him.

“Yeah but a bunch of kids scrounging up enough money to get those presents for each other is a big deal,” he said with a fond smile. Taking the last bite of his muffin, he stood and grabbed something off of the counter. “Speaking of presents,” he said as he handed it to me.

“Dad, you didn’t have to,” I told him as I grabbed it. 

“I know I didn’t, but it’s not every day your baby girl turns 16. It’s not much, but I thought you would enjoy it,” he replied a little awkwardly.

I grinned and wrapped my arms around him, Backstreet Boys CD clutched in my hand. I had found them on accident really. It was all Alyssa’s fault. I generally enjoyed the same music as Dean, but she had showed me one of their songs and I couldn’t get it out of my head. Dad had heard me humming it one day which led to an embarrassing confession.

“Don’t tell Dean,” I pleaded, knowing the endless teasing and likely judgment I would be on the receiving end of if he found out. “Oh, I wouldn’t dare,” Dad laughed, pulling away from the hug.

“I should probably go find him though,” I said, glancing at the clock. “I’m supposed to meet Alyssa soon and he said he’d drive me.”

“Have fun!” I heard him shout as I left our motel room. I saw the Impala parked by the room next door, so I knew he was here at least. Since Dean has legally been able to drive, John gave it to Dean and the two of them take either my dad’s truck or the one John had purchased after gifting Dean the Impala. As I raised my hand to knock, the door flew open.

“Oh!” John said, startled. “I was just going to tell your dad we need to get going. I’m glad you’re up.” Then he was in the motel room I’d just abandoned, not waiting for my response.

“Hi to you too.” I mumbled under my breath as I walked through the door John had left open to see Dean sprawled out on the couch. He turned to me when I closed the door and grinned.

“Hey, there’s the birthday girl!” He exclaimed, prompting Sam to run out of the bathroom, dressed and looking fresh from the shower, toothbrush in his mouth.

“Jenna! You’re here! I wanted to go to your room a while ago, but Dean told me to let you sleep. Were you sleeping?” Before I could answer him, he rushed on. “He told me you’re going to spend the day with your friend, but we’re still going to have our movie night, right? We have to have our movie night. It’s our tradition!”

“Breathe, Sam." I chuckled. “Of course we’re having movie night. It wouldn’t be a birthday without it. Now how about you go finish brushing your teeth before you start drooling on the floor.” Content with my answer, he hurried back to the bathroom, hand cupped under his chin where toothpaste bubbles were trying to drip down.

“So,” Dean drawled, getting up off the couch. “The big 16. How’s it feel?” He walked over to stand next to me and, not for the first time, I was struck with how effortlessly gorgeous he was. His hair was tousled and still slightly damp from the shower he must have taken this morning. He wore his usual jeans, t-shirt, flannel, and boots, the amulet Sam had given him hanging around his neck, but somehow, he was the most attractive guy I had ever seen. I knew it wasn’t a biased opinion, every girl in every school always drooled after him.

“I assume it feels the same as you felt a year ago.” I replied once my brain started functioning again. “You still good to take me to meet Alyssa?” I asked.

“Sweetheart, have I ever bailed on you?” He asked, mock offended.

“Well…” I trailed off, remembering the handful of times Sam and I had been left to fend for ourselves while he was off with a girl. When I saw him looking at me expectantly, I sighed. “Not when it really counted, no.” I relented.

“Did you ask her yet?” Sam questioned, reappearing from the bathroom and heading for Dean. Dean sighed and looked at me. “Is it ok with you if Sam comes with to drop you off? I don’t know why he’s even asking. I know you don’t care, but he wouldn’t leave me alone about it this morning.”

“That’s not true!” Sam denied. “He told me I could come if you said yes, and I know you usually don’t care, but since you’re 16 today I thought you might want to talk.” He stated matter-of-factly.

“Talk about what?” I asked, brow wrinkled in confusion. There’s not much Dean and I didn’t talk about in front of the kid. I don’t know why he thought there was suddenly a need for privacy or what being 16 had to do with it. “About-” he started, but then cut himself off. “I don’t know.” He continued, head down and shuffling his feet. “Just… being 16?”

I looked to Dean, hoping for some kind of explanation, but he just shrugged his shoulders, although he seemed a little annoyed. I wasn’t in the mood to press the issue though.

“Ok…. Well I don’t have any super-secret conversations that need to be had with your brother, so if you want to come along, that’s fine.” I assured Sam. 

“Good! When are we leaving?” He asked excitedly.

“If Dean’s ready, then right now would be good.” I replied, looking to Dean. He answered by shrugging on his leather jacket, plucking the keys off the table and holding the door open for me.

With everyone piled in the car, Dean started toward the mall where I was supposed to meet Alyssa. It was a typical car ride, Sam chattering away in the back, and Dean humming along to Led Zeppelin. I told Dean where to park. Alyssa wasn’t there yet, but I was content to sit and wait with the boys.

“I thought we might have to wait until tonight to give this to you, but I’m glad we don’t have to.” Sam said excitedly, pulling a box out of his jacket pocket. “It was my idea to get this kind of present for you, but Dean helped me pick it out.” He looked to his brother with a proud smile before handing the box to me.

I was a little nervous to open it. Sam was so excited that I really wanted to like whatever it was. Although he’d never say anything, I could tell Dean was a little nervous too by the way he tensed his shoulders and bit his lip. I carefully opened the box and gasped.

Inside was a bracelet made from ribbons of silk. It was twisted around so that it looked like four different strands. The top and bottom of each ribbon was an olive green while the middle was mulberry. One of the ribbons wrapped through a gold button that was used to adjust the size. I couldn’t believe something so beautiful was for me.

“I love it!” I told them as I took it out of the box to place on my left wrist. I noticed Dean’s quiet, relieved exhale and turned to hug him. “Thank you.” I whispered. He wrapped his arms around me before mumbling a quiet “You’re welcome,” into my hair.

“And thank you too!” I said, pulling away from Dean to face a fidgety, giddy looking Sam in the back. He flung his upper body over the seat to get a hug of his own. “You’re gonna have a pretty hard time topping this one.” I informed him as I sat back. Sam just grinned.

“My friend at the last school had a bracelet that she wore all the time and I asked her if that was a good idea for a 16th birthday present for you,” he explained. “She said if you like jewelry it was a good idea, and I know you like Dean's amulet, so I told him about my idea and he said we’d keep an eye out for anything you might like. There was a lot of stuff I thought you would like, but Dean kept saying they weren’t right.” I glanced at Dean and saw a slight blush gracing his freckled cheeks.

“He liked that one as soon as he saw it. I didn’t know why you’d like it any better than any of the ones I pointed out, but I know you guys know each other really well so I just told him to make sure you knew getting a bracelet was my idea,” he finished, slightly out of breath.

Before I could say anything to assure Sam I appreciated his efforts and relieve Dean of his embarrassment, there was a knock on my window. Startled, I jumped a little before facing the window where Alyssa stood waiting. Turning to look at the boys, I thanked them again for the amazing present and then opened the door to get out of the car and say hi to her. As I was closing the door, I heard Dean say my name.

“Just a second.” I said to Alyssa before opening the door again and sticking my head in. “What’s up?” I asked.

“I was just wondering when and where I should be picking you up,” he replied. “Oh, right. I didn’t even think about that.” I said, turning to Alyssa to figure out the details. “Clearly.” He teased. I looked back at him, sarcastic comment at the ready, but I saw the twinkle in his eye and knew he was just joking. I shushed him and closed the door, turning to once again face Alyssa.

“I can drive you back, it’s no problem,” she assured me. 

“Are you sure? Dean doesn’t have anything else he needs to be doing, and I know he likes to do it anyway. He’s a bit protective like that. The first time we dropped Sam off at a friend’s I thought he was going to sit outside the house the whole time.” I told her, smiling at the memory.

“It’s really no problem. I don’t have any definite plans for the day so I wouldn’t know what to tell him anyway,” she said. 

“Ok…” I trailed off, giving her one last chance to change her mind. She gave me a look, clearly stating that she wouldn’t so I passed the information on to Dean.

“You don’t even have a guess about when you’ll be done?” He asked. I knew he liked to have a timeline so if someone wasn’t back when they were expected he would know something was wrong. If he didn’t have any schedule to follow, he’d spend the whole time worrying, unsure if something had happened or we just weren’t done yet. 

“Well I have to be back in time for movie night,” I reminded him with a wink in Sam’s direction, “so I won’t be gone any later than… say 8:30? That should give us time to watch a couple of movies before Sam passes out.”

“Yeah, ok.” Dean relented, slightly less on edge. “Have fun,” he smiled. I closed the door and watched them drive off.

“Are you ready to do some shopping?” Alyssa asked with a grin.

~~~~~

“You have to have a swimsuit!” Alyssa insisted as we walked by racks of them at Kohl’s. 

“Not if you never go swimming, you don’t.” I countered.

“But what if you do go swimming? What are you going to wear then?” She argued. 

“I don’t know. I’m sure if the opportunity came up, I’d just go buy one.” I told her. 

“Then why not buy one now?” She asked.

“Because,” I sighed. “We move around a lot. We’re not exactly hitting up five-star hotels with pools or renting homes that have one. I think the last time I went swimming was when I was 12 and the house we were renting had a pond.”

“Ok, well I have a pool, it’s the middle of summer in Louisiana, and I might invite you over to swim sometime. Besides, I’m buying so you can’t really argue that much.” She said, flipping her strawberry blonde hair as she turned and pulled me towards the swimwear.

“That’s a nice bracelet,” she commented, looking at my wrist where I was half-heartedly searching through a rack of one-piece swimsuits. 

“Yeah,” I smiled. “Sam and Dean gave it to me for my birthday.”

“It’s pretty. I didn’t think boys were any good at finding decent jewelry.” She said as she moved on to the next rack. She didn’t like the one-pieces anyway and had only been humoring me, ironic since I was only humoring her about the swimsuits in general. 

“I swear Dean has some sort of sixth sense for what people will like. Well,” I corrected, “not people. But me and Sam.”

“This one! You have to try this one!” Alyssa said excitedly, breaking me out of my thoughts. I looked to where she was holding a white and blue two-piece. “I know you didn’t want a two-piece, but this isn’t a bikini. It doesn’t show much more than a one-piece would.” Seeing my hesitation, she continued. “Just try it on. If you hate it, we’ll put it back.”

“Yes!” She cheered, seeing my resignation. She handed the suit to me and led the way to the changing rooms.

It was definitely a nice-looking suit, I’d give her that much. The top piece was thick enough all the way through that there was no danger of anything showing. It had a clasp in the back and three strings to tie around my neck, two white and one robin’s egg blue. The bottom piece started like a normal bikini bottom, but thicker. Above the hips it cut in to cover only the front of my torso, leaving my back and sides exposed, and went up to the bottom of my ribs. There were three strings encircling my back, keeping the material up. It was decorated with flowers in shades of blue, and as much as I liked it – although I’d never admit it to Alyssa – I didn’t think I would be comfortable wearing it in public.

“Are you ready yet?” I heard her ask through the door.

“Kind of. I have it on, but I don’t know if I want to come out,” I admitted. 

“Come on, you can’t look that bad,” she said.

“It’s not that.” I told her. “I’m just not comfortable showing this much skin. I live in jeans, you know. The only reason I’m wearing shorts is because I might actually die from this heat.”

“Just come out. No one’s going to see you. I promise there’s no one else around,” she encouraged.

I sighed before opening the door and peering my head around. I was met with an unimpressed look. “Alright, I’m coming.” I relented. I stepped out of the changing stall and was greeted with a wolf whistle from Alyssa. “Cut it out!” I blushed.

“Why? You look great!” she exclaimed. “As much as I like that bracelet, it really doesn’t match the-” she cut off. 

“What?” I asked nervously.

“Umm… did you find your tattoo yet?”

I was a little shocked. It was an awfully personal question to be asking someone you’d only known for a couple of weeks. “No. Why?” I asked a little defensively. She nodded toward my left side where my hand was hanging by my hip. I impulsively lifted it to my face, scanning for the name. 

“Not your hand," she said.

I slowly looked down to my left side just above my hip where, just as she said, I could see the top of thick black letters peeking over the swimsuit.

~~~~~

“Alright, what’s wrong?” Dean asked, pausing the movie. We were halfway through our second movie of the night, Mission Impossible, and while I was enjoying it, I couldn’t seem to sit still. I was sat between the two boys, Dean’s arm resting on the back of the couch behind my head, our usual seating situation on movie nights. Sam was slouched over, starting to drift off. He could never seem to stay awake for more than one movie.

“What? Nothing’s wrong. Why do you think something’s wrong?” I asked him. 

“Well, you haven’t sat still for more than five minutes at a time and I can see the wheels spinning in your head. You know you can talk to me about anything right?” He sounded genuinely concerned. 

“I know,” I sighed.

“Nothing happened, right? You’ve seemed a little off since you got back.” He pushed, not for the information he knew I wasn’t ready to give, but for assurance that I was alright. 

“I’m fine,” I told him honestly. “It’s just… I found my tattoo while we were trying on clothes. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it, figure out how I feel,” I confessed.

“Oh.” Was his only response. I could tell he wanted to press for more information, but he stayed quiet.

~~~~~

“I can’t look at it. I don’t want to know what it says. What do I do?” I asked. My breath was coming faster and I was starting to panic.

“Hey. Hey! Jenna! Look at me. Deep breath.” Alyssa calmly instructed, demonstrating and breathing with me until my breathing was back to normal. “You’re going to have to see it sometime. It’s unavoidable. Right now, it doesn’t change anything. It just gives you a name. You can do whatever you want with that name once you have it. It doesn’t decide anything for you.”

I knew she was right and steeled myself to look at it, Alyssa waiting patiently. Carefully, I pushed the swimsuit strap down just enough to reveal the name underneath.

DEAN

Chapter 4

[xian-1502]

2/2

And i felt bad about that. To me, what i thought was my blunder made my brother feel like being open was a possible minefield, which is something i also needed get real about since it’s so painfully evident that what happened there was NOT my fault and i somehow made it that way in my head. But that among other spots of shaming or shunning from family and poor friends made me wrongly assume how the world was and what i should be as a person. Woe was me 🤯. But i’m out of the woods now at least, or understand a facet about myself that i left unquestioned better, and i hope that’s a certain forecast of progress.

For reference everything prior was stuff that’s been drafted and noted throughout January. Not chronological or anything just complied into a sort of megapost. What follows is solely related to last night, february 3rd-4th

I’m feeling a lot of things. Im glad i don’t have work today, because i feel like going there in the mood i’m would only make me more upset considering how customers and management have been getting on my nerves lately. but that’s irrelevant, what i’m saying last night wasn’t the greatest. It wasn’t extreme, nobody is damaged or harmed, and everybody made it home so nothing active or ongoing concern. But as a whole just going through the time wasn’t fun to me. Firstly it was an opening party at a club an hour away that i knew next to nothing about the details surrounding other than the fact that the invite was from a afrobeats dj who’s a regionally known family friend. I was originally just hoping there would be good music but on the way after we picked up everyone who was riding in the car, i was told some family friends in the kenyan circle who were my age would be there (they were not, i was one of 3 people under 25 from what i could see if not, highly unfortunate for some people). We got there and the venue was filled with crowd that was notably older than me, but the music was alright. So i figured it would be tolerable at least. I spent my time at the bar drinking lemonades when this dude came up to me and asked me if he met me before and how long i’ve been in the country(since the majority of the club goers that day were immigrants among the last 20-40 years and shared the moving experience). i answered and then the talk ended shortly after when someone else he knew came to say hi and talk to him. I will spare the fluff on this accord but this story ends with me getting grope/humped on the dance floor by this dude when i got up to dance to a song i liked. it dawned on me later that he was definitely eyeing me after the initial interaction cause i did see him looking at me when i would walk around or when i was waiting in line at the bathroom but i just thought it was like the look of knowing more so than sizing me up to act since i didn’t clock that he was reading me as a girl. (i was standing in the wrong spot at this point which is likely what contributed to my fate since if i was in the right like that dude probably would’ve stepped off immediately) That ruined my mood a great deal and i really wanted to just go home at that point but i didn’t know where the people i came with were and i knew they were inebriated so i had to ask my younger aunt who was sober (since she was driving herself and her boyfriend) to help me find everyone and get ready to leave. I will not that or less significance in my mind, some drunk lady i swear i don’t know but somehow knows my name tapped my shoulder and was like “heyyy christian i didn’t know you’d be here!!” and went for a hug so i just opted cause that’s the normal reaction but then she went to do the french double cheek kiss thing and didn’t move far enough on the second swing leading to almost straight on my nose. So i twisted my head and tried to step away as a little whiskey scented spot was planted on my cheek. This being before airport casanova set up his game plan to cop a feel. But those two events contributed to making that experience unfun and i’m even more upset with myself that i let myself end up in that situation. im happy that nothing really bad happened and that i could go home fine unhurt and all, but it’s what’s stoking my frustration at myself is that i let myself get convinced into going, knowing i would rather stay home. I really wish i could go back and unfold under the pressure but that gets me nowhere as i already know yet im still bitter at myself over it. I at least know for certain i’m never gonna allow myself to end up in that situation again so that’s good, but as it stands now, i am just not in a great mood over it. I’ll get over it though for certain though so it can culminate to be whatever at the end of it all.

[aryniyla]

Unofficially back and things have been so… bad. Well.. for my mental health at least. Getting swabbed next Thursday only to get confirmation and debunk shit, while also dealing with Bf’s health issues. Still a little bit in disbelief he has an autoimmune disease, but I’m glad it’s not worse than that. It explains so much as to why he kept getting outbreaks of his lip sore (which is like 2 times a year).

Been speaking with my psychiatrist and my therapist and my psychiatrist has been talking about how I may be actually suffering from C-PTSD as opposed to just PTSD. She’s also noticed that I’ve become dissociative over time and honestly it explains why I feel so soulless and dead inside. Like… I would feel so much stress, anxiety, my depression would go full on to wanting to hurt myself and then… I leave. Like there is a part of me that is no longer here. Like it’s gone and I don’t think that part of me will come back any time soon, if not at all. You can try to put me in a stressful situation and I would not even react with intense anxiety, anger, or even sadness. I’m just numb to the bone. Idk. I’m just existing and not truly living. My therapist is a godsend and I really love how she helps me process my feelings (or lack thereof) and my thought processes. I’m truly thankful for my therapist and my psychiatrist.

It has been hinted (I feel like) that I may have BPD, but the way both my psychiatrist and my therapist explain it is that C-PTSD and BPD coincide together so it can be difficult to diagnose which one I’m possibly suffering from. I didn’t understand how that can be possible because one is a personality disorder and the other is some sort of traumatic disorder until I looked into it and I can see how I can be suffering from both. Idk though I’m leaning towards C-PTSD, because I don’t like the idea of having a personality disorder. Sure, it can explain a lot about me because I don’t understand why I can think the way I do and why I act the way I do. I just… idk. I don’t really wanna be diagnosed with that.

I’ve learned some grounding techniques, but I don’t want to be back and feel the things I feel when I am back. I remember for months I know I was at my rock bottom and I don’t want to feel that again. My sense of self is destroyed and I feel like I don’t even recognize who I am and who I’ve become. All I want to accept is that I’m a mom to a beautiful baby girl and that is it. I don’t want to feel the guilt, the anxiety, the anger, the depression, or the urge to kîll mÿsèlf.

On the positive note, in total I have lost 25-30 lbs! I feel a lot better about my body, except for my chest. My posture has gotten bad due to my chest being big because of breastfeeding. Even when I completely wean off, they’re gonna be big and that’s gonna make me feel incredibly insecure. I’m thinking I might actually start saving for breast reduction surgery. I want to feel more confident about my chest while also having a better posture. Bf even supports me on this now.

Things have been feeling really off and weird for me. I don’t feel right in my body. And I haven’t been in a while. It’s like my mind and my body separated.

Anyhoo, here are pics/vid of me feeling myself even though I have mixed feelings about myself. 😌

(Had to increase the grain on the grainy ones cuz they came out blurry 😭)