#can't remember the last time ive felt so disgusted

[perilegs]

went to the comment section of a video game woman and saw that people kill her because she can't be romanced. i've got no words

[swaggypsyduck]

yor last ask reminded me of a friend of mine talking shit about maghrebis yesterday because "they always exclude egypt when talking about north africa" but not a word about egyptians constantly fetish specially moroccan women....

so i went to school w a few egyptians but most of them i knew from masjid settings. i remembered one time we were all having a post isha tims run and i made the joke "we're all north african here" and the whole group turned to look at me like i killed their parents. "we're not north african. we're african and middle-eastern" and one went "i mean yah we're in africa but we dont share any of ur culture". and i dont think ive felt so other in a group before?? bc then suddenly it was a "we're not like u attitude". they loved to speak their dialect around me and then go "guys stooop ray doesn't understand us" and giggle. as if egyptian media wasn't the forefront of arabian media for the last 80 years. i cant speak it. but i understand it perfectly well. but not a single one has made the effort to learn another dialect of arabic. "ur too french/colonized" as if it was our fault?? and even then i know so many moroccans here that dont speak french but it doesn't matter to them.

the fetishism of "maghrebi" (moroccan, algerian, tunisian) women is a HUGE issue in the middle east. i can't tell u the amount of middle-eastern guys ive just CASUALLY met at uni or gaming online that hyperfocus on the fact that im moroccan. "i love moroccan women" "ok, why?" "bc yall aren't like our women who dont do anything in the house and put make up on all day. u guys are actually good wives" is a conversation ive had way too many times. the misogyny to both groups of women is disgusting. and the fact they think we'd take it as a compliment and roll over like subservient lil house wives is mind boggling. when so many moroccan women in the gulf states r trafficked there and sold into prostitution.

and i kid u not at the masjid one time there was this new girl from oman who didn't know where i was from who said with complete seriousness "ugh r those women over there moroccan? i didn't know yall let ppl practice black magic in the house of god". when i tell u my friends hand immediately held mine to calm me down. that group of women was my mom and her friends who r a whole mix of moroccans, tunusians, algerians, and yemeni moms who bring tea and sweets to the mosque to share with eachother after prayer.

this isn't every egyptian or middle-eastern, clearly. my egyptian friend (she's perfect and i love her) had many words to say to those girls. and her parents are so welcoming and very proud to be african. i have so many friends from across the middle-east and i love them all so much, but sometimes they slip and say things that dont make me trust going to their house or meeting their parents.

[one-abuse-survivor]

im recovering, slowly but its happening, snd its weird. i feel my emotions a lot stronger now, its been around 6 months since i left my parents' house and some days are great, i feel stronger and way more confident than i ever did there, i have an amazing job and i just love life. but there are days where everything is just too much, like today. every part of me hurts on the inside and im just tired. its like my heart aches and my chest has an emotional pain inside of it. my grandad died 4 years ago almost, and i feel like im finally getting the chance to grieve him. every day i miss him more and more and i just want him back. it feels like he died yesterday. my nanan died just over a year ago and i feel like im just processing shes gone. im grieving my grandparents, my parents(who they used to be before they abused me), and my (practically nonexistent) childhood all at once and it just hurts inside. its a hurt that makes me feel alive but i just want it to stop and leave me alone. im hoping this is a normal/regular thing people like me go through, and im also hoping it gets better soon. i know it wont in the near future, i feel all the memories coming back some days and i can only process one or two at a time, and it sometimes frustrates me because i want to get it over with, like ripping a bandaid off, but i just cant, and it has to be done step by step. i just miss my grandparents. a lot. im crying a lot more lately too, just feeling my emotions so much stronger since ive started to truly process my trauma. do they stay this strong or settle down? im triggered pretty easily, which, in time, i hope stops happening so easily. i know recovery is a hard road but im thankful and very grateful that i got the chance to start it so early in life. im 19, moved out at 18, and its a bit hard, just so thankful i have a good therapist 😂 sometimes i just get so angry at everything and want to just hurt myself to make the pain stop, or just feel like i do today, slow and tired and achy. i get the rare amazingly happy day, and make sure i enjoy it, dw hahah but idk i just wanted to vent/say this in hopes of hearing that other people are going through this too, and that im not alone

Hey, nonnie. I'm so glad to hear you're away from your parents and recovering from the abuse and trauma you endured. That's amazing, I'm really happy for you ❤️

Yes, in my experience, it is normal to experience these sort of shifts inside you, especially during the first few years of recovery. I personally also went through phases where I would cry almost daily, phases where my emotions seemed out of control, or where I randomly felt immense grief/anger/sadness/disgust. And I can tell you that, in my case, with the help of time and therapy, the bad days, which used to be frequent and leave me exhausted, have become rare and much more manageable. Now, 5 years into recovery, I can have a bad trauma moment (hell, I can even run into my mother) and still enjoy the rest of my day. And my emotions have become much more stable, too. I rarely feel like I'm not in control of them.

Obviously, not everything is easy or perfect. I still live with PTSD, and there's plenty of things I still need to keep working on, like being vulnerable and trusting others, but... The good days have definitely become the norm over time, instead of the exception. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I had a proper emotional flashback or ugly-cried from how overwhelmed I felt (knocking on wood, haha).

So, yes, nonnie, it does get better with time. Recovery isn't linear—I'm sure you've heard that already—but it does get better. Though there may be ups and downs, and you might go through completely unexpected lows as you process all your emotions, the tendency will be to move upwards, and, if you're anything like me, one day you'll wake up and realise you can't even remember the last time you ugly-cried or felt like the world was ending. You'll just be living your life.

You're doing amazingly! There might still be bad days ahead of you, but there are countless good days to come, too.

I hope you can find ways to safely express your anger with the help of your therapist, and I hope you have the space and tools to process some of your grief and trauma memories as they resurface.

Sending a big virtual hug ❤️

Oh, and if anyone else wants to reassure anon that they're not alone, feel free to do so!

[agirldying]

*possible TW for mentions of abuse and possible sa mentions I'm not sure so just adding this to be safe*

Hey Bun,

I'm sorry I've been sending a lot of asks lately and I know I sound like a broken record but last night I had like a breakdown/breakthrough?? I guess.

Like his mom came over to spend the weekend with us and last night we were up alone talking about things and I told her everything. Like I told her about all the abuse, the physical, mental and emotional abuse. I told her about the sexual abuse as well. Idk why I did it it's like I just started talking and I couldn't stop.

She told me she believed me, she said she remembers when i had told her about it this last February but like that time I didn't really go into any details. This time I told everything. No censor no changing things around no hiding anything. I just told the whole truth and how I felt and feel about it and I can't believe she actually believed me.

Like it felt so good to tell someone in my real life what happened and what I actually went through and for them to tell me they believed me, especially with her being my mother in law.

The only thing that I would say is negative out of this is that talking about it in full detail like that brought up a lot of details that were repressed?? I don't want to say forgotten because I was able to say them so easily and recall them so well but it's like parts that I usually can't remember. I guess that was because I wasn't hiding anything from her that those details came out idk.

I told her about the money and the ads and how he calls it swinging but that I didn't want to do it and that it was rape. She told me the same thing you told me that it was trafficking. I couldn't believe the words. She told me "he sold you to those men online, you could've died or caught some type of disease. That was so dangerous". Like just the weight of her words like the fact that she understands how serious that was it relieved me but also just broke me. Like hearing someone say he sold me just broke my heart all over again.

Like this is the first time ever that ive told someone in my real life who wasn't him so I didn't have to defend myself. I didn't have to hide how it makes me feel. I didn't have to fight about it or pretend it wasn't a big deal. And it hurt. It hurt for her to say that it was sexual abuse. It hurt to hear her say it was rape. It hurt to admit that the man I loved the most sold me to men I didn't know to be used. It hurt to admit that those things you read about or see on TV happened to me.

I think I've been going through like an episode of sorts the last few days especially but maybe it's been longer like a few weeks? I've just been having flashbacks so intensely and last night really triggered some new ones for me that I wasn't seeing before. I assume it's because I talked about it in so much detail but it felt good to actually tell someone who seems like they care.

She didn't tell me it was my fault she told me her son was sick, that it was a disgusting thing to do and that he didn't love me enough to protect me.

I guess really the hardest part for me is admitting I'm a victim of sex trafficking. Idk the weight of those words weighs so heavy on my mind it makes me sick. It makes me wish it never happened I just wish it would go away but it won't because it was the truth. It hurts me to know that I was sold to someone. That my body was worth a dollar amount, and sometimes not even that much.

I'm sorry this is really heavy and bad Bun, I think I really just like triggered myself. Maybe I re-traumatized myself by talking about what happened so vividly idk what happened. Its just like hurting again like it just happened all over again and all I wanted to do was be heard.

Anyway thank you so much for reading as always and thank you so much for your kindness and support. I hope you're doing okay.

Hey dying-weeds,

Please never apologize for sending me asks, that's what my inbox is intended for and it's nice to hear from you.

I know it was really rough but I think it's ultimately a good thing that you told her and that she was accepting about it. I'm so glad that she supports and believes you, I think it's so important for you to have someone like that in your life right now.

I can definitely understand how it's painful to be told that you're a sex trafficking survivor, among other things. But I think that there's some level of power in having a name for it, and also being able to identify it so that you can process it. But that's obviously at your own pace.

I think a lot of these traumas are still very fresh for you so it makes sense that it was very triggering to talk about the details with her. Please practice self-care during this time, drink plenty of water, rest, maybe have a bubble bath or something relaxing that you can enjoy. You've been through so much and you deserve some time to recover.

I hope I could help. I'm here if you want to comment on this or if you need to talk in the future. Thank you for the kind words and yes I am doing okay, thank you for asking.

[scarletfishbones]

1/10/23

i survived another year. i was thinking about ending everything again. man i even cried on the plane beside my grandma. I just couldnt stop crying. I felt worthless.... i kept thinking about how i've always been the fuck-up in all my relationships. I couldn't stop hating myself. I just kept thinking about all my mistakes... trying to recall the last achievement i've done. Ive had this thought that maybe I was born to be this unlucky person in everyone's successful lives..that im just a hopeless person aimlessly walking through life with dreams bigger than myself. I always cause trouble... as the only middle child that i know from all my relationships... its like im going through life so lonely and so painful. I want attention every minute... i just want to be seen, to be genuinely appreciated... but yet i still detest myself. Even if a compliment is given to me I react so negatively always blocking in disgust almost like i shouldn't deserve it... but then again I was always trying to force a reaction like that from others... every time.

Time traveling from the beginning of my life still wouldn't be enough to save me from how ugly of a person I am. I need to be completely erased from this world. Im just that much of a disaster.

-end-

I can't help but find reasons to hate my very existence everyday. This morning I woke up crying... I was crying because I had remembered this thought that my mother had done some irreversible damage shortly after she gave birth to me. It seemed as though things got fucked up after I was born. It's almost like I was born to cause trouble and disappointment as if my destiny was already set in stone. There were so many times throughout my life that I thought about literally re-doing life and starting over again because of the many fuck-ups ive done. Now that im a bit more mature enough... im starting to realize that all my life i never shined in anyone's eyes and that i deluded myself into thinking that i had worth. I really have nothing going on and I so badly wished i did... i just feel talentless and incompetent. Its sad to say that whenever i write about myself its always in a negative light... but really im just telling the truth. I can't find one thing im proud about myself... and whenever someone tries to bring up one good special thing about me... like in a dinner scenario.. they always tend to hesitate or give the most artificial back handed compliment. And every time that happens i die a little inside. So this lack of anything in me is not only an issue that i know but also something that anyone thats knows me knows.

I have come to the point that i must live with this identity....but i so badly wish to be reborn into someone more likeable and looked up to because I hate who I currently am.

[rommahh]

I Carry Your Heart

Harry Styles x Reader

Word Count: 4k

{Ahhhh ok so this is my first work like ever. There will definitely be a second part because ive got more to say and it needs a second part. I hope whoever sees and reads this imagine enjoys it. I appreciate comments, likes, reblogs, ideas on what could go into the story, and any form of help and redirection as to how i should write things. Much love, R.}.

Part two

All Y/N wanted tonight was to hang out with her boyfriend, eat a mass amount of junk food, and watch a marvel movie or two. That was all she wanted and that was all she asked of her boyfriend. Instead of any of that happening, she found herself sitting on the nasty kitchen island of her boyfriend's frat at a party that she was trying to avoid going to.

This party was supposedly ‘the party of the year.’ The last rager before finals and then christmas break. Y/N had spent the whole week studying and finishing up end of semester projects hence the want for a chill night. When Harry came to her saying his frat was throwing a party tonight and that he just HAD to be here, Y/N didn't feel like she had a choice but to let him go. She came because she thought this would be the only time she would be able to have some time with Harry after a long week of barely seeing each other. With two vastly different majors, the couple wasnt able to find a lot of time in the middle of school work to make time for just the two of them. Obviously her hopes of quality time with her man were futile because here she was sitting by herself in the kitchen of the frat while Harry drank and got high with his friends in other parts of the house.

Of course she was disappointed. She felt a knot in her throat and a weight on her chest just sitting there in that kitchen. Her white claw was warm now- not that it was any cold when she opened it. She was starting to form a small headache from the too loud music and the ache in her heart was growing.

She stood from the countertop on the search for her boyfriend, hoping he wasn't too far gone from sober. Wiping the back of her jeans from anything that was left on the island, she began walking around the house. She doesn't remember the last time the two of them spent time together by themselves. Of course they occasionally ate dinner together in the dining hall but they were normally surrounded by friends. Y/N wanted to be alone with her boyfriend to talk and bask in his presence.

After pushing through groups of partying humans, she found Harry and at least ten other people sitting around playing some sort of drinking game.

“Y/N! Where have you been?” Luca, one of Harry's frat brothers yelled out to her from the circle. Luca was cool, he was one of the only tolerable boys in this frat aside from Harry. Hearing his girlfriend's name, Harry turned around from where he sat on the ground and reached out for his girlfriend to sit beside him. Much to Y/N’s dismay, Harry was wasted. His eyes were half mass and his words bumped and slurred together. “We are playing truth or dare, wanna play?” Luca asked.

“I don't wanna play but Ill sit and watch.” Sitting next to her boyfriend, she grabbed one of his hands holding it in her lap. She was annoyed at him but it did her no good to show it when he was this drunk.

This game of truth or dare was childish. Dares of licking people's shoes and taking multiple shots had been done and truths about money and relationships were being spilled among the group. It had finally become Harry’s turn to do something, making Y/N tense.

“Ok Harry, I dare you to…” One drunk frat boy started looking around the room trying to come up with something clever. His eyes landed on a pretty girl in the room, Yara, a stuck up girl who for sure got her way no matter what. “I dare you to kiss the hottest girl in the room- obviously not your girlfriend because that defeats the purpose.” The frat boy smirked knowing what his intentions were. Everyone in the group giggles and gasped shocked by the dare but ready to see what was going to go down. Y/N’s brows furrowed as she became angry with the stupid dare.

The ache in her chest seemed to tip over the edge when she felt her boyfriend in the room move to stand up. She grabbed at the bottom of his shirt as a way of stopping him. Harry halted his movements to look down at his girlfriend. He giggled a little.

“You’re not actually going to do this right?” She asked Harry with wide eyes of shock. Harry laughed at her like she made a joke, making her heart hurt even more.”Harry I do not want you to do this just take the shot and lose the dare.” Her tone held warning.

“Don't be silly of course I'm going to. It's just a dare, nothing serious. Don't be so clingy.” He stood walking over to Yara and planted a wet kiss on her mouth. Yara gripped Harry’s shirt and kissed him harder. The kiss went on for a few more seconds, the room absolutely silent out of shock. Harry stepped back from Yara slightly sobering up from his actions. Yara smirked at Y/N, hand gliding down the front of Harry's shirt.

Y/N stood from the seat she was in and scoffed. Scoffed because she should've known Harry would do something like this. Scoffed because it hurt to see her boyfriend do something so careless without any regard for his girl's feelings. She pulled herself together, feeling her throat tighten once again. She was quick to leave the room and down the hall of the frat.

Harry's clumsy steps could be heard from behind her as he mumbled her name. Or at least he tried to. He was still so out of it, his words not making much sense. Y/N was crying now, the strength that she had slowly dissolving as she walked further away from her boyfriend.

“Y/N wait. P-please wait. I cant-” Harry stumbled over his legs behind her falling into the grass of the front yard. The girl couldn't help but turn around looking at her stupid boyfriend. She was choking on sobs now. She wasn't crying over a measly little kiss but over an extreme amount of burnout from school and exhaustion from simply existing. She was crying because her boyfriend ignored her boundaries, crushing and erasing the boundaries she had set in their relationship. Harry tried reaching for her once she had stopped walking. His hand clasped around her wrist, he laid his head down on her shoulder. He hated seeing her cry even if he was too drunk to see why.

“Baby don't leave, Im-Im Sorry.” He hiccuped and burped due to the alcohol. Y/N felt her rage build. Shoving Harry off of her, she crossed her arms across her chest as a way to shield herself from Harry physically. He was hurt by her distance and the wall she put up around her.

“You're an idiot Harry. An idiot!” her sobs grew louder, some stray party goers watching in amusement- some even snapchatting it for shits and giggles. “I didnt want you to kiss her and you did. What provoked you to think that was ok? All I wanted was for us to hang out tonight and just be us and you did this!” She was yelling now. Her hurt is beyond her now. Anger and rage simmered throughout her body making her head dizzy and her fingers curl within themselves. She didnt like being angry. It wasn't an emotion she liked acting on, it felt impersonal.

“Baby I don't under-” Before Harry could finish his sentence he was barfing at his feet. Y/N stepped back disgusted with her boyfriend. She couldn't even feel remorseful because of how angry she was. Luca, the frat brother from earlier, caught up with Harry and his girl only to find Harry doubled over heaving. Luca wrapped his arms around Harry's shoulders.

“I'm sorry Luca but I can't do this tonight. Can you please make sure he gets some water and goes to bed. I-I can't do it tonight, I wish I could but I can't.” Y/N didn't want to leave her boyfriend in this state but she didn't deserve this. She wasn't going to care for her drunk boyfriend when all she wanted to do was care for herself. Selfishly, she enjoyed seeing him this way because of the anger he caused her.

Luca shook his head in understandment. “Of course, I'm really sorry for tonight. He's going to seriously regret this in the morning, especially since it will be circulating all over snapchat in the morning.” Luca waved to Y/N then proceeded to pull Harry into the house. Harry called out for Y/N not wanting to be away from her but Luca pulled him harder.

Harry woke up the next morning feeling like the bottom of a dumpster. He wasn't shocked by that. He knew he got trashed last night, he had planned to. He, just like Y/N, spent all week studying and completing projects while also fulfilling certain responsibilities for his frat. He wanted one night to be a normal teen. So he drank and drank and drank and maybe even smoked some weed. As he tried to recall last night's events he came up with nothing. He didn't understand why Y/N wasn't here with him like she normally would after a party on the weekend. They were normally always together during the weekend. A bad feeling loomed over him. He could tell something wasn't right but decided to put his feelings to the side.

He saw a bottle of water beside his bed making him think she was probably here and left early. Chugging the water he started to go through his socials to see if anyone had posted about the party. He had multiple tagged pics and videos in his notifications from snapchat. Way more than he normally would.

The first video he saw was a video of him and Y/N standing in the front yard of the frat house. Turning the volume all the way up he could hear Y/N yelling, it shocked him. She doesn't normally raise her voice, especially not at him. The angle changed showing her face which was red with anger, eyes filled with unshed tears. He could hear her yelling about him kissing someone else. He felt his heart stop. He had kissed someone else? On the next snap was a picture of him keeled over vomiting on his shoes with the caption saying, ‘are yall seeing this shit?’ Harry was embarrassed but he was more concerned than anything.

His head was hurting but it didn't stop him from rolling out of bed, washing up, and putting on a fresh set of clothes. He checked his phone hoping Y/N had messaged him but nothing was there. He walked into the kitchen only to see luca sitting at the counter eating cereal.

“Hey Harry….” Luca said warily. Luca pushed the cereal around his bowl feeling the tension begin to rise in the room. He felt horrible about his friends.

“Luca...what's up?” Harry was confused by Lucas' wariness.

“So do you remember anything about last night?” Luca asked, setting his cereal down in the sink behind him. Harry started playing with the frayed edges of a bracelet Y/N made for him. It had little beads with her name on it. They made them together at an event on campus.

“I don't, I only saw the videos of Y/N screaming at me. I think I fucked up but I- I don't know what happened.” Harry's cheek flushed with even more embarrassment. Luca awkwardly chuckled scratching the back of his neck.

“You got dared to kiss the hottest girl in the room and um actually did it in front of Y/N...even though she didn't want you to. Which led you guys outside and yeah you know the rest...Im sorry dude, I wish I had stopped you.”

“Who- who did I kiss?” Harrys stomach lurched when he heard Yara’s name come out of Lucas' name. Y/N didn't like Yara and it was understandable. Yara has been pining after Harry since their first year of college. Harry couldn't breathe. He felt disgusted with himself. He could only imagine how Y/N was feeling.

Y/N woke up the same morning, eyes puffy and crusty from tears and head hurting. She probably cried herself into dehydration. She was lucky enough to have no roommate because she wouldn't have wanted someone else to see her breakdown. She still couldn't believe last night went down the way it went down. She couldn't tell if she was just being overdramatic or if her emotions were in the right place. She didn't want to be mad at Harry. He was everything to her, she had an odd connection to him. Meeting him during their freshman welcome week they quickly became best friends with a growing romantic connection in the mix. They started dating before Christmas break. They had grown close so fast that he even came home with her to meet her family for the first few days of break.  Even though they were in their junior year of college, Y/N could see them beyond college. She's imagined them getting married, travelling, sharing a home. She saw the whole future with him. She had her doubts though. He was immature just like every other boy in college. He was dumb with his actions and tended to only do things if they benefited him. He had a lot of growing to do as a person, so did she but she wanted to grow with him.

She heard a knock on her door hesitating to answer it because one, it could be Harry, and two, she looked like a wreck. Answering anyways, she was met with a very sorry looking Harry holding a small coffee and bagel from their cafe.

“Hi baby…” He sheepishly said holding out the items. She silently let him through the door not once looking him in the eye. He stepped into her room, setting her treats on her desk. He could see that her bed was messy meaning she recently woke up. Y/N never went about her day without making her bed. He turned back to her and finally their eyes met. He took in all of her facial features, from her puffy eyes, to her downturned lips that looked chapped, to her flushed cheeks that longed to be held for warmth. He hated to see her like this, the last time he saw her so upset was when her parents moved out of her childhood home. It took alot to make Y/N this upset. She was normally really headstrong and vigilant. She knew how to ease her way out of problematic situations and could talk her way through anything.

Harry opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by Y/N holding her hand up in front of his face. “Don't talk. I'm really hurt Harry, so if your plan was to come over here and apologize over bagels- think again.” She snapped, backing up to put space between the two of them. She sat down on her bed while Harry pulled the desk chair out and sat down. He much preferred to be on the bed with her holding her tight but he didn't want to overstep boundaries.

“Love, I don't know where to begin. I'm really sorry for what happened last night. I was really drunk and obviously wasn't in the right headspace.” Harry reached out and touched the tips of her fingers with his. She wanted to move but it felt good to be touched by Harry.

“I told you that a measly little apology won't do Harry. I didn't want you to kiss Yara and you did anyway. You know how Yara feels about you and you just let it happen!” She pulled her hand away remembering the prior night's events. Harry felt himself getting angry too. He felt like he needed to defend himself- even though it would be a very bad idea.

“I think you're being over dramatic.” Wrong move Harry. “It wasn't like I was making out with her!”

“You're joking right?” She scoffed and scooted further up her bed to create more distance. “Harry it's the simple fact that you did something that made me uncomfortable that shouldn't have even happened. I see myself getting married to you and it makes me worry that right now in our relationship you can't respect my boundaries!” She yelled. Harry’s eyes widened as he laughed sarcastically.

“Married? What the fuck are you on about? I'm a junior in college. In what world would it make sense for me to be prepping a relationship for marriage? Once again I think you're being over dramatic.” Her eyes watered hearing Harry's statement.

“I- I guess I'm the only one in this relationship thinking about the future? I thought we were on the same page. I'm not planning our marriage now, obviously. I'm thinking about how elements of our relationship now could play out in the future when we do want to get married. You cheated on me last night. I went to a party you begged ME to go to only to be there for you. I wanted to be here cuddling with you, pigging out on fast food but I was at a party with you and got cheated on!” Her volume rises once again, making Harry shove his chair from underneath him when he stands up.

“You're doing too much right now. I'm not planning a future right now because I don't want this future! I want to be myself without thinking about how to appease my girlfriend. I invited you to the party so you could lighten the fuck up. I love you, I do, but I'm not thinking of marriage and futures. I'm thinking about my life right now and having fun.” Harry snapped right back at her. Her chin wobbled. Obviously her and Harry were on different pages. It hurt so much to hear him say that he didn't want a future with her. Harry didn't mean it though.

“Ok, well I guess that's my fault for assuming we were thinking along the same lines. Um, I don't want to hold you back from being yourself so with that being said, you are a free man Harry.” She pushed herself up from her bed walking to the door ready to escort Harry out.

“Huh? Love, what?” Harry was confused on how they got to this point. Just a few days ago they were in love, meeting in the library to share a lunch and exchanging sweet words determined by their love.

“Listen I have a day full of exams tomorrow so if you could just leave that would be best. You don't really want this so I'm letting you go, Harry.” She had tears rolling down her face, falling from her eyes down to her chin where they fell to the ground in droplets. Harry’s eyes welled up watching his love cry before him.

“I don't-”

“Harry, leave, please.” She opened the door making room for him to go through. He walked through the door turning to look at her. She turned her face away from him whispering a small goodbye before shutting the door. Harry was left in the silent hallway, so silent he could hear his thoughts and the tears hitting the tile floor beneath him. He thinks he stood there for at least thirty more minutes before accepting what had happened and walking away.

Leaving Y/N in her room sobbing like she had never done before. Her tears coated her face and she thought her head could explode right then and there. She didn't want to accept what had happened but she had priorities. She composed herself enough to start studying for her exams.

The week rolled by quickly, Monday meeting Friday in a flash. Exams were done and Christmas break was on the horizon. Students were piling off of campus in a hurry ready to get home to their loved ones. People were outside by cars loading up their winter necessaries and saying their goodbyes to their close friends.

Harry cried everyday this week. He wasn't normally a crier. He hated crying, he hated the feeling of crying and the headache that came from it. He cried because he realized how wrong he was. He missed Y/N. He missed finals week dinner together where they tried to get off campus at least once and be alone for a moment. He missed watching her relax while eating food that wasn't from their school's cafeteria. He would pay for their meal just so she could have one less thing to worry about. They would normally get frozen yogurt right after too, Y/N getting as many toppings as she wanted because Harry would be the one paying. He missed her tight after exam hugs. She would squeeze his shoulders tight, smiling into his neck, telling him how proud she was of him. She would bring him tea in the morning when they met for breakfast. Sometimes they would spend the night in one or the others room so they could have time together to destress and just talk.

Y/N wasn't doing any better. She normally went into exam week feeling confident. She studied too hard not to. But this week she felt like shit. Her heart hurt and she kept thinking about the fight. She feels like she overreacted but hearing Harry talk about their lack of a future hurt nonetheless. She really assumed that they did have a future that included marriage and a life together. She didn't understand where his sudden lack of commitment came from. She regretted dumping him but at the same time she wished he did more to get them back together but he was silent. He hasn't contacted her at all and avoided all of their spots on campus all together.

She stood by her car prepping for her six hours car ride back home. Packing away her clothes and some essentials in the trunk of her car, she heard light footsteps behind her. Closing her trunk she turned to see Harry standing with his hands in his pockets.  

“Hi.” He said. She looked at him, putting her own hands in her pockets. It was cold outside, the nippy air hinting at a possibility of snow.

“Hi Harry.” They shared a moment of silence together. Just staring at each other. It felt good to be near each other again. They felt like they could breathe again.

“I had to see you before you left. I know the break is only a month but I didn't want to leave without seeing you.” He replied quietly. She made him feel so shy. Her beauty always made him awestruck. Even in a hoodie with their college's logo and some large sweatpants and some fuzzy crocs, she was the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.

“I don't know what to say harry.”

“It's ok. I don't deserve anything from you after what I said. I just wanted to apologize and wish you a good break before you left. I also wanted to give you this.” He pulled a small box and envelope out of the front pocket of his backpack. “I know we agreed on no presents but I think thats a dumb rule and I love you too much to not get you something.” She smiled at his words, taking the gift from his hands.

“Thank you Harry, it means a lot to me. So what are your plans for a break?” She asked him, the tension that was in the air slowly dissipating.

“I couldn't get a flight home until next wednesday so i'll stay here on campus until then.” He shrugged.

“Oh ok. Well tell Anne I said hi. I have to go Harry but I'll see you after the break, ok?” She didn't want to leave him but she didn't want to drive through the dark.

“Ok, love. Drive safe. I lov- I mean have a good break.” Her chest tightened at his hesitation. She wants to hear him say the words but she knows he won't.

“Have a good break Harry.” She whispered. Before getting in her car she stood on her toes placing a kiss on the corner of his mouth. Rubbing her thumb across his cheek and turning away and into her car.

She drove away knowing that her heart was left in that parking lot in the hands of someone she loves way too much.

Harry stood in the parking lot watching his heart drive away for winter wanting nothing more than to be with her.

Part two

[giorno-plays-piano]

Vicious

Part VI

Pairing: Steve x reader, Bucky x reader, Thor x reader, Loki x reader, Peter x reader

Warnings: yandere, obsession, stalking, possessiveness, theft, mention of blackmail, all characters are adults.

Words: 1567.

Summary: Transferring to Stark Academy that has only allowed to take in female students last semester, you realize you are just one of three young women among hundreds of students. Your things are constantly being stolen, and soon you begin fearing for your safety.

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

________

You spent the rest of your evening like a somnambulist, barely able to concentrate on your projects before you went to bed, barely finishing half of the things you planned for today. Even the change of locks didn't make you as happy as you thought it would. It felt like something between a dream and a nightmare.

Lying in the dark, you stared at the ceiling, thinking of what happened just a couple of hours ago. Why did he do it? Was it just out of habit and didn’t mean anything? Naturally, with his appearance and easy-going attitude, he probably dated many girls and didn’t think much before kissing someone he liked.

Remembering the way he talked to you in the morning, you thought he must have pretended to be shy around you. Thor certainly wasn’t sheepish.

Was it all a sham? Was Loki right about all of them, playing their roles to get close to you? You couldn’t forget the way Thor looked the moment he told you about being smart. It was like something switched inside him, and for a second you saw the real Thor who was far from being your simple, good-natured athlete.

Why did you keep thinking about that stupid kiss even after seeing the man could be dangerous?

Aroused and angry, you tossed and turned until you fell asleep.

____________

Waking up was especially tough, despite the fact you didn't really do much yesterday, meaning you were going to spend your weekend studying. Shoot, and that's when you planned to visit that new chocolate boutique in the city. Maybe you could still make it if you spent more time studying today?

But then again, going to the city alone might be a bad idea. Even if the guys who stole your things were beaten, it didn't mean it had always been the same people following you. The school was full of weirdos, in the end. What if somebody went after you? Steve would definitely say you had to bring one of your guards with you.

Damn. It was better staying in the dorm then.

"Good morning! Are you ready?" Peter's voice broke through the silence, and you flinched, hurriedly applying some lipstick because you didn't have enough time to put your makeup properly.

Well, at least you were fully dressed.

"Just give me a second!" Picking up your bag, you put your shoes on and opened the door, looking at a young guy who's face was lit up like a Christmas tree. "Hi!"

He definitely liked what he saw, and you felt your cheeks growing hot from embarrassment. From the very start of the semester Peter acted very sweet around you, and you thought you could be friends with him. He wouldn't do something as ugly as blackmailing, would he? Thor said it too. Clearly, Steve was exaggerating.

"Did you sleep well? I've heard you changed your lock, so now it'll be better."

"Ugh, I hope so. But I still sleep with my dresser blocking the door." Sighing, started walking, afraid to look in the faces of other students, hurrying off to school.

They must have been disgusted, watching you being friendly with one guy after being all lovey-dovey with the other just yesterday. Although you didn't see anyone in particular, you were sure somebody saw Thor kissing you. And now you were walking the corridors with Peter.

"By the way, what's your Insta?"

What? Your Instagram? Whatever for? Although you had no idea why he needed it, you let him add you, by the time leaving the dorm and walking towards the main building.

Suddenly, Peter got pretty close, his arm on your waist as he lifted up his phone and hummed, "Look here and smile!"

Before you realized what he was doing, the boy kissed your temple, and you heard the sound of a photo being taken by his front-facing camera. What the Hell?!

"Peter!" Pissed at him, you quickly break free and stepped back, but he was already looking at his phone, editing the photo and posting it almost immediately.

You heard your phone buzz when he marked you on the photo.

"That's a good one. You look very cute here."

"What are you doing?!"

"Making a proof we're dating, of course?"

You were taken aback by the sincerity in his voice, and Peter smiled from ear to ear like an excited teenager, showing you the picture: it wasn't that bad, and you looked as if you were slightly embarrassed by Peter's closeness. Oh, of course. He had to convince his friends he was dating you, but he didn't kiss you on the lips that could make other people too suspicious. Instead, friends of Barnes or, say, Thor, would still think it was all for show, and it was their friend who dated you for real.

Shit, Steve's plan was incredibly complicated, and you didn't like it at all.

"Oh, alright." You mumbled, lowering your eyes to the ground, and Peter laughed.

"We'll make a TikTok dance later. If you wanna make people talk, just use your social media." He winked at you and put the phone in the pocket of his pants, resuming walking, and you moved along, your face still hot.

God, what did these guys got you into? You felt like you were lost in the middle of a play, not even having a script to read what was your role in all this.

Before you parted your ways, going to a different classrooms, Peter talked about videogames, the upcoming Resident Evil - apparently, his favorite franchise - and some Dota tournament, but you didn't know much about it, and Peter offered to show you his favorite games "because you can't spend all your time studying!"

He was as careless and sweet as always, but you couldn't get Steve's words out of your mind. Damn, if only you could know for sure that Peter didn't blackmail anyone. Who could you talk to about it? Obviously, not Peter himself, but every time he spoke you had that nagging feeling you needed to talk to him. You barely kept your mouth shut before he went to a different room.

Ugh, why didn't you transfer anywhere else when you still had a chance? Obviously, now you could only drop out of school, and it definitely wasn't something you were going to do.

Luckily, the next couple of hours you were busy with your classes, trying your best to prepare for the upcoming exams. The academy held high standards, and even though you were a good student, it still took lots of efforts to keep up the good work. How Thor even managed to get enrolled, judging by the fact he hated studying and often skipped classes?

Ah yes, he mentioned something about getting a scholarship from the academy for his success in the sport.

By the lunch time you were drained, listening to Peter chatting with an absent-mindedly epxression on your face. Funny enough, Peter's grades were better than yours, even though he spent much less time studying. What, was he some genius like Loki? You felt a little envy.

"I gotta go take my tracksuit, I have PE next," the boy said, and you nodded, throwing away the leftovers of your lunch.

As you stood close while he grabbed his sportclothes, you heard two guys talking behind the lockers to your right.

"Have you seen her today? She's with Parker!"

You tensed immediately. Of course, they were talking about you.

"Yeah, so what?"

"She was with Thor yesterday!"

Watching you froze on the spot, Peter stilled too, listening carefully. Oh shit, you hoped no one cared about who you went with - why should they, in the end - but, apparently, you were drawing too much attention simply because you were a girl among hundreds of male students.

"So what?" The other guy asked impatiently, growing tired of this conversation.

"Are you stupid? She's going out with them! I bet she's looking for a guy." The first student said with excitement, and you cringed. No, you weren't going out with anyone, you wanted to stop the weirdos from following you and steeling your things. Was it too much to ask?

"Yeah, who cares?"

"We have three fucking girls in the whole school, and you don't care if one of them could be going out with you? Besides, this one's pretty. I'd fuck her!"

You felt like you were going to puke any moment. Why on Earth did you decide to transfer to an all-boys school? It was like the whole school were a men’s room filled with stupid-ass guys, and you were locked inside, forced to listen them talk junk.

"You'd fuck a sheep, weirdo. Go get yourself a girlfriend if you can’t stop thinking with your dick.”

Laughing, the guy left, and his friend followed him, shouting something stupid while you breathed out a sigh of relief. Of course, you knew there would be some talk, but you didn’t expect it to be so... gross. Were you really gonna spend the two remaining years here?

Watching you getting frustrated, Peter gently touched you by the arm and said softly, “Don’t worry. They won’t talk rubbish about you.”

“What do you mean?” Suddenly thinking of Steve’s words, you blurted out exactly what you were thinking of the whole day, “Are you going to blackmail them with something?”

“I... what?”

Part VII

__________

Tags: @finleyjayne @alexakeyloveloki   ​@helenaeisenhower @villanellevi @hurricanerin ​@inlovewiththefictionalcharacters @chris-evans-indian-fanfic @navegandoaciegas @rosalynshields @brattycherub @sllooney @angrythingstarlight @lookiamtrying @buckysbunny @stargazingfangirl18 @dillybuggg @literate-lamb @cosicas-cuquis @sarge-barnes-sir @buckybarnesplumwhore @jaysayey @megzdoodle @gotnofucks @lux-ravenwolf @ximebebx @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123 @sourpatchspinster @biiskuitx @stupendouslovegardener @iheartsebandchris @lovelydarkdaydream @soleil-dor @illyrianprincess @vampirestrawberries @goodgodimaweirdperson @frontmanash @freya-heya @yandematic @mariatietacapitu @d3monslust @maybesandohnos @ibeatuptwinks @mangobangi

[tjpinkgurl]

Do you enjoy hurting people?

Nooo, I hate that. I hate hurting others and try not to.

(This is an answer to everyone. Almost like a questionaire, but this will answer your question) I'm always really careful about how I treat others, or how they feel depending on the person, coz sometimes I've felt like I have no one who truly cares .... So I judge it by how the person is with me or how they treat me with how I respond to people if they are in wrong or whatever. Each person it could be different.

But half the time the person treats me like shit and I just keep the peace and walk away. Obviously they don't see that and no one does but yeah .... I've grown to mature and get used to it, and used to no one caring like I remember would be normal so I've stayed strong but wonder sometimes what happened to normal people and normal communication and response in what I'm facing, where I'd actually be responded to and connected in a normal human way but hmm guess I .... I dunno. Hard to know ...

I'm so mad ppl hack into my accounts sound mean and horrible, sound somewhat foreign as well. Accuse my family and me saying we are satanists which like AS IF, I wouldn't turn on a friend or be unreasonably mean or nasty let alone turn on the loving God. it's so weird ppl actually joined in and believed it. It's disgusting and I can't cope anymore coz last 10 years ppl could have been in my identity and I've had hopes and dreams and interest in connection and communication rather then online one sided convo around the music industry how I'm here only to have people emotionally abuse and torture the situation, lie compulsively about me, brutal torture, accept ransom money to keep their mouth shut, cyber bullies, mock which is bullying, sexually harrass, lie about my family when they would be horrified and aren't involved around it, then they personally speak of them and sound to have imposers. 10 yrs ago they snatched parts of us, took what's naturally us and claimed it till I was scared and terrified I lost them that Ive kept them close and cling onto them for dear life. It's ruined my destiny, what was for me and could have been. My twin sister passed away 5 months ago too in her sleep which I know it's because of it all too yet claim she's there or here or imposers and it really does my head in panicking she's still alive and kidnapped or something. It's horrible. Yeah this answer was more then the question but needed to say that coz I had to edit out stuff a hacker said pretending to be me.

Peace.

[welcome-to-sanjis-shitty-kitchen]

This is why we can't have nice things Gabby. Please read if you have time, just sharing my thoughts a little.

Got assaulted by my sister over a pair of leggins, if she had just let it go i could have looked tomorrow but she had to punch me when i asked her to leave. And i did find a pair of leggins i can't remember if they're mine. So i did the only thing someone salty af would do, marked them with my initials, shoved them in her face and told her they were mine. But as my sister is the biggest failure in humanity i know she still believed they were hers. But it looks like i won for now, She acts as she owns everything in our house including the house itself, she owns 95% in our shared bathroom because she places her million of things on every available space there is and i have one tiny shelf, there's like no reason for me to have anything nice because she will take it. i'm so enclosed and store everything in my own room because sooner or later that shit will disappear. She's disgusting, annoying and the litteral worst type of person there is. So utterly selfish, stuck up, can't think for her self kind of person. And me as her sister is only good for serving her, there's so much fucking wrong and fucked up things with me because i'm not living up to her standards in what a little sister should be. Because apparantly i'm suposed to humor her and agree with everything she says...is she fucking insane? Just because i like sitting around in my underwear and play videogames and my room is "boy-ish" and i only care about essential hygene products and clothes rather then lots of lots of makeup and being a godamn fahsionista i'm not "normal". She calls herself a feminist but shoves that gender role bullshit down my fucking throat. Like different opinions doesn't even exsist in her dictionary, she is correct, she has the only will. Ofc she will think that because she only values her own opinion and can't respect anyone elses. She's like an obstinate fucking toddler and idk how to deal with this. So this scenario when mom bought her some soda, like a 2 L bottle. The one mom bought me today is 1.5 L. I would not say anything because maybe the store only had that soda, or maybe mom just grabbed one, or she didn't remember what she bought and is really tired from work and i'm just glad she didn't forget to pick that soda up from the store. But oh boy, my sister though, she would have screamed bloody murder at mom then start a fucking civil war with me because she wants half of what i have then. I'll still come out with less because she thinks she deserves more. Because it's unfair, well newsflash asshole, life aint fair. It annoys me to death how unacceptable she is of someone having more or better then her..... I don't fucking understand how she thinks, shes so stupid and overdramatic.... She has no fucking shame or compassion or humanity and it's honestly so sad that it is this way. My family is litterly the weirdest collection of selfish, racist, homophobic, biggoted cheating assholes i know and all i can say is thank fucking god i became nothing of that, thank god i don't drink, smoke, do drugs or is a garbage piece of human shit. I have a bad example of pretty much all bad there is in my closest family. I mean, i became a ball of anxiety and depression but hey thats waaaaay better then some fucking redneck biggoted asshole. My family is like a bunch of hardcore christians in a way except it's for the swedish lineage. YOU CAN ONLY BE SWEDISH IN THIS HOUSE. is basicly what my parents say aka i'm banned for speaking another language or things they don't understand or want to hear. I love my dads argument that only retarded fucking toddlers speak english. I would call that a gifted toddler u piece of shit. AHHH MAN, they hate me for being so "cultural" just because i can speak like 3 languages and some fucking latin, because i'm not interested in swedish culture. Because i'm different. Like i said different and different opinions is a bad thing here. And i'm not suprised parents don't understand anything whats going on the times and this world. Stuck in their little rutine and safe bubble of their work and home. Ofc they wont think anything different because they dont get involved with something else. As someone who invests in a lot of time on social media and see a lot of whats going on the world and different cultures and opinions, ofc i would have a broader perspective and way of seeing things. Thats not gonna change. I'm not gonna force any parents to see my way because thats a shitty thing to do. But i just wish, if someone bothered to read all this shit. No matter what, why can't parents be supportive, you don't need to understand it, you don't need be a part of it. Why can't u just tell ur own child like "ohh u wanna do that thing, well good on u! And have fun" is that too much too ask? Supportive parents could change childrens lifes, because no matter what happens you know mom and dad got ur back. So why is it that people like my parents cant even talk to their own kid unless its to relay information about something they have planned, or when they want me to do somethint. They dont ask about me, how im doing or what im thinking. It's probably been 10 years since i last trusted my mom to tell her anything i felt. And ive never talked to my dad that way unless its to defend myself for some bullshit. They cant even remember the names of my friends ive had for the past 7 years. They honestly couldnt give 2 shits about me as a person and it breaks my fucking heart having to deal with this shit. In like 90% of my conversations with my parents its either an argument or im lying trough my teeth to make it seem like im fine, that everything is fine. Because i can't trust the bastards with even my life, which why i fear for my godamn life everyday that they will get tired of me. Which is hella unfair seeming as my sister is barely employed and works like 3 months a year the last 3-4 years. For now i'm being forced to get a drivers license so i can get a job. But when i do get a job and make a decent wage im gonna move into town which litterly makes my cars useless as monthly bus card is probably cheaper then maintaining a car and paying for a parking spot and i would have to look for an apartment with a garage....no thanks..and everyday....just a parking spot at work would be like 1/3 of my salary. Because thise things aint foe free. But i guess i'm gonna be glad once i have a drivers license, even if i dont use it. But i am petty as hell that theyre gonna force it on me and not my sister. If you actually read this you deserve a godamn gold star. Or like an entire cake.