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#so ive never really done a vent post like this on here (or anywhere for that matter)#so idrk how this is gonna go but ig im gonna try it anyway cause idrk what else to do at this point lmao#look. listen. i know. i know *logically* that if i did die or disappear or whatever i know people would miss me#i know people would be sad and heartbroken and i know people care about me listen. i *know*#but i just. i cant help but think that everything would be better if i just. wasnt here#like. i just feel like such a burden to everyone around me. like i feel like i make everyones life actively worse#especially my dad#god he deserves so much better than me#i treat him so fucking badly like. all he asks of me is to keep my spaces clean and i just fucking. dont#i let the shit and the garbage pile up until hes overwhelmed cause i cant fucking bring myself to do simple fucking human tasks#cause of my fucking adhd or whatever#even though thats just an excuse#i should be able to do these things! i should be able to function like a normal human being!#i should be able to keep up with my hygiene and my chores and my school and work responsibilities!#but i cant! i fucking cant!#god im so fucking tired im fighting. im so tired of trying over and over and over again all for it to not fucking matter in the end#cause im right back where i fucking started#god all of this is just a shitty excuse to continue being a shit fucking human being#i dont even feel human anymore lol i feel *less* than human#god i wish i was less than human. i wish i was a fucking dog or something#that way i wouldnt have to worry about this bullshit world#that says a lot about me huh#im gonna end it there#ignore this pls#vent#tw vent
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when your main characters start dating after years of writing so they finally get to be like this
#rare WIP preview from me#this is in like. 10 episodes. lmfao#its been really hard working this far ahead#my editor isnt giving me any feedback and my friends are very busy so it's felt quite lonely#which is fine! for my friends I mean. but its my editors job to give me feedback...#but the webtoon editors are extremely extremely extremely overworked and my series is set to end so I understand its low priority#its not her fault its webtoons fault. however. its still demotivating...#oh well l m a o#I should be much further ahead ngl LMFAO I want like 12 done but I come back in 2 weeks.#we'll see#when I get really stressed out I go full gamer mode#and usually I'll sink like 60 hours (like 5 days) into a game and then I'm good and move on#but this recent game that grabbed me is. its too much actually#bit uncontrollable ngl I think its an ADHD thing I mostly have just quit playing videogames at all#cause its like yeah being stressed cause theres too much work to do is not going to be helped by losing a week and a half to a game...#and yet.#anyways the game is satisfactory#my friend bought it for me and we've been playing together#and our shared file has. 100 hours on it. and we still havent beaten the game#we're close to beating it and it's not like we're rushing or anything#cause its fun to fuck around and zap eachother or whatever#but it's got me doing math. the exact kind of math I love to do. optimization#and its reminding me yeah in another life id have been an engineer#I'm glad I'm an artist but its always weird like yeah this is easily a path I could have gone down#'artists hate math' speak for yourself doing math calms me down! I love math!#I love math and I love business. I'm almost the perfect artist but I hate advertising so. we can't have it all#anyways theyre so fucking cute its sickening. I love them so much. I could cry#WIP#lineart#time and time again
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gonna be so sad when tonight is the first preshow space with good audio and i'm asleep because i have a psych appointment tomorrow
#life update if anyone gaf we're now at the point where i know i'm getting the adhd diagnosis and yet i STILL HAVE TO WAIT#like she just isnt sure if it's adhd or add (its norway theyre not gonna update the terms any time soon just roll with it)#and im just like. girl i don't give a fuck#its been so many years i cant do this anymore#we've talked to my fucking kindergarten teachers like 😭 they've investigated my entire life atp#to make sure i did in fact have all these issues from birth#because my word and my mum's word just isn't good enough i guess#like lets rely on the selective memories of random ass people ive encountered growing up this is ASININE#anyway my godmother had a 4h consultation the other day and got diagnosed on the spot#so now my mum is mad at her LMFAO#cause my mum's like. that bitch doesn't even have adhd. shes fine.#which i feel like is probably wrong but i agree with the sentiment#where is the deep dive investigation into her wholeass existence 😭#its cause she got to go private but they refuse to refer me to a private specialist so i have to keep going publuc#public#and if i go private on my own its too expensive plus the waitlist is years long#so. whatever. i guess.#man im so tired.#i will never ever ever forgive my psychiatrist from when i was 15 who said i probably had adhd but because i did ok in school its fine#and they wouldnt set the diagnosis#because the fact that i have papers from when i was 15 saying i don't have it is what's making this all so difficult#even though if you read all the papers it says i hit on EVERY SINGLE POINT#which is why the One Psych who listened to me is absolutely fuming losing her mind cause she can't understand why any of this happened#man i hate my fucking life lol
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oh was 1 yr on T a couple days ago but almost forgot cause i be Working so much god
#its been awesome! slow but.#not sure if its like that cause of uhhh. the type im getting but whatever#also fucking forgot to pay my deposit to secure my psychiatrist appointment so. not getting that anymore fuuuuck#<- getting tested for adhd.#<- forgets to pay.#the misery.....#i work like 6 days in a row a lot at the moment at its fun but wauughhghhh#forgot to take my tenner at work again today too..#BUT i love money so. its fine#but am also falling behind in my study for vet nursing.#ahhhhhhhhh. this is me just having an excuse to not be studying rn actually. i wanna play rdr2
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yk when you can feel yourself starting to stop caring about stuff you love and you are White Knuckling through it because no I Will still love this so fucking help me
#could be a vent but really i’m just kinda vibing#oh also turns out I do Not have adhd#which is kinda good and kinda bad#kinda good because like. well at least we've checked off one of the 'well what if it's this' list#kinda bad because it means that my problems will probably have to be solved individually which. mmm I cbaa#i’m gonna cause like what else am i gonna do#but like man I just wish I had One Big Problem that was causing all these stupid little problems#and if adhd was that One Big Problem then I could just have medication and stuff and I could get better#but nope HFKDH I gotta sort through each stupid little problem individually#i’m also kinda stumped cause I don't think it's depression and I now know it's not adhd so like. well now what#it'd better not fucking be autism or stress or burnout or whatever#I want an easily medicated problem thank you very much#we (family) think that I should probably try antidepressants#specifically because both my dad and his mum and my mum are all on antidepressants#my dad and me have like. fundamentally identical symptoms#and apparently antidepressants really help with those symptoms#so yk i’m holding onto that hope lmao#I will now tag this as vent maybe cause I am yapping#i’m not upset though so like. idk ill tag it just in case#but i’m more annoyed than anything else LHFKD#like mannn#why can’t mental health be easy for like. one time#cmon#wren wrambles#vent#rant#it's both tbh
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#tag talk#I love Evangelion so much it's so good#I watched the Evangelion 2 movie though and that sucked.#my bf likes it and was showing it to me and I had to pretend to like it#but my brother and I ranted about it for like an hour afterwards cause it fucks the bed with Eva so hard it's not good#now I'm watching Alien 4 or whatever.#unpopular opinion apparently: Alien sucked and is a very boring movie#2 and 3 are just as boring and uninteresting#we'll see if Alien: resurrection is just as bad. the premise sounded interesting on Wikipedia though#unrelated: I'm taking Spanish classes in the fall cause I'm tired of not knowing it past like a baby level#still mad about my mom not speaking it around the house for us to learn#taking it at a community college so I'll also be going to school again kind of#first time since 2020 so we'll see how I handle a few classes#I have adhd meds now so presumably I'll do better
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I’m going to. rip my fucking hair out.
#Why why why can’t I enjoy anything ever like it’s so draining I can’t even explain it#Everything makes me anxious and I really REALLY don’t think thats normal nor do I think it’s just general anxiety#I want. answers genuinely but no I can’t see help because of my mom. I probably won’t be able to find out what my fucking problem is until#I’m like. 18 or older#Well into my 20s even#Fuck. it’s like. would I even be able to afford a therapist.#especially if I got disowned/kicked out#I keep trying to convince my mom to get me help/try to get me a diagnosis#and she just doesn’t want to fucking. help me. it’s not even a money thing it’s the fact she DOESNT GIVE A FUCK about her child’s mental#problems and health. Besides if I got diagnosed with like. adhd like everyone says I have (I think it could be that or something deeper) it#would literally end in her getting MORE FUCKING MONEY like our homeschool funds thing would give us more money for like#disability or whatever. if it were adhd. I forget.#I’m trying to use that to convince her and she just doesn’t listen#but honestly it’s like. what’s the point. I know I would feel better if I had a diagnosis because I would know the actual cause of my issue#and would easily find ways to combat it and help myself instead of listening to everyone say I have adhd without a diagnosis and go by that#Because everything I do to try and help with adhd doesn’t fucking work with my deeper mental issues.#And to be really honest I think it’s a personality disorder and I’ve done my own research and I show majority of BPD symptoms#And it’s commonly mistook for adhd. But I would NEVER express that to my mom because she would twist it into me being abusive and awful#again like. fuck even if I can’t get medicated I know I would feel so. so much better about myself knowing WHY I’m like this#Instead of living my life questioning what the fuck is wrong with me#I’m so sick of being different#if you read this. why would u put urself through that.
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#aaaand that's 2 doctors that think i have bipolar ii 🙃#so the conceptualize rn would b that my mood is fucked but im using ocd to keep myself contained withing sorta normal parameters#which. i mean. that does kinda fit with observationally. i would create rules around: u arent allowed to get excited abt things u arent#allowed to enjoy things bc u cant handle it. u cant b normal abt how u enjoy things. or bc when i go to enjoy a thing#my mood is caped at being lightly miserable so its like well fuck being around ppl it makes me feel nothing#bc my focus and energy swing around like the light on a lighthouse. and in between that im miserable or feel nothing#and if its true that i am bipolar the reason i never noticed would b bc i very rarely experience euphoria. mostly i have high energy and#dont feel good. just fucking out of control. so mixed episodes i guess. but like idk. i guess i just think of bipolar as being extremely#destructive. and i mean r my mood issues a problem? yes. sometimes a really big problem. but idk. im still resistant to thr idea#lots of ppl get misdiagnosed as bipolar even tho the presentation is so specific. i guess i just doesn't wanna accept it and then have to#have been wrong if i was misdiagnosed. but i mean 2 doctors independently listened to me and thought hm sounds like bipolar so maybe im#just being stubborn. also no one else in my family thst i kno of is bipolar. ive got 2 uncles with adhd but not bipolar relatives#i dunno. i guess it doesn't matter so long as i can get it under control. im good at control. destructively good at control#unrelated#i guess its more that ive never done anything life ruining bc of my moods#mostly i just dont sleep much and make myself crazy. so ill probably die an early death or whatever lack og sleep causes rio#i meant rip lol
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sometimes all it takes for me to get back in the saddle is wallowing in absolute misery for a couple of days debating whether or not i can do any of the things i have set out to do or if i'm just deluding myself until thinking i have the skills or the drive to start this thing, let alone finish it, and then i lay in bed for two hours mere moments away from breaking and then i have a steaming hot shower where i'll manically laugh for no reason and then i'll sit at my desk because something tangentially makes sense and i'll end up with a very rough first draft that does a pretty solid job at lassoing various untamable thoughts.
and like. i'll fall off again. give it like two weeks or something but i guess that's just how it goes. get to repeat it all over again. 🤷🏽♂️
#texts.#i was gonna say 'adhd vs somethingsomething' but then i paused because that somethingsomething is just a part of said adhd.#among other things that i'm trying real hard to learn how to live with but damn. damn.#sometimes the horrors plop themselves down on your chest and there ain't shit you can do about it until they decide to move.#it's not even writer's block or whatever. my brain wants to do the thing but it can't for literally no reason#which in turn causes me to fucking spiral and it's like b i t c h. calm the fuck down. i am begging you.#i would make myself a cup of coffee if i didn't already have heartburn.
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Hi I'm on a road trip (not currently driving, don't worry), what's up with you?
Ohhh roadtrip!!! Sounds fun!!!
And I'm sat with energy to talk but nothing to talk about, nothing out of the ordinary here. Eating jazzies though which is nice.
How's your trip going so far?
#eating jazzies instead of the actual proper food right in front of me adhd style#fucking hate my brain sometimes man like surely if need food you eat food but nah that's crazy#who would do that? that doesn't make any sense and is absolutely not the cause of any problems ever! /s#also tumblr mobile is breaking more by the day so there's nothing on here at all :(#you've got me thinking about roadtrips now btw#thank fuck for that this is the first concept that I've both understood and not been depressed by I've seen on here all day#seriously all i see is shit like whatever the discourse around rap is and a bunch of people I've never heard of#and tumblr is pushing fandoms I've ALSO never heard of so that's fun :/#roadtrip sounds fun though who doesn't love a roadtrip?
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dude its always "be yourself" till youre trans and now suddenly oh i get to nitpick every little thing about you oh that gesture was very feminine made you look like a girl oh youre wearing a shirt thats cream coloured? seems a little feminine to me oh you paint your nails? so youre a girl after all like ???? youre giving me mixed messages here am i meant to be myself or am i meant to conform to your idea of what a man is in order to be accepted as one by you
#⚠️#one time after i came out my mum saw me lounging around in a black t shirt and she was like oh it made you look like a man thinking it was#compliment but dude i got so mad i was like for fuck sake is that seriously what i have to do to be considered a man is lounge around in a#black t shirt??? lounging around is masculine???? what????????#i was also just a very angry person in general but still that really confuses me#had a psychiatrist note down shit about my appearance saying whether they thought it was feminine or masculine (they thought it was all#feminine) which was fucking crazy cause i went in for an adhd diagnosis#people just find out youre trans and suddenly start acting like experts on whats feminine and whats masculine and what makes you either#gender like shut the fuck up#can also come from people who they themselves accept some cis men are feminine and some cis women are masculine but suddenly as soon as you#try to transition now you have to be masculine or be feminine or youre not valid in their eyes#its fucking crazy#like if i showed them a dude with long hair theyd be like thats a dude with long hair but as soon as i have my hair long im told to cut it#i can show them a dude in a skirt and theyd probably laugh thinking its funny or some bullshit but theyd still think its a dude in a skirt#but if i wear a skirt suddenly im a girl#i know at the root of all this they truly believe people cant switch genders cause in their minds sex and gender is the same but still its#so annoying especially when they pretend to be accepting or think theyre being accepting and when you challenge them on their transphobia#they get all mad at you and act like youre being rude for criticizing them for doing the bare minimum whilst also just continuing to be#transphobic#like yeah you use my correct name but when im not around you use she/her for me and you say i **want** to be a boy instead of i am a boy bu#when i talk to you about this suddenly im the bad guy like its my fault youre using language for me thats transphobic#like ok man. whatever.#sorry for asking you to be a decent fucking human being toward me and treat me with respect#its like people just treat trans peoples gender like something they can just dismiss like its nothing liek we're just playing pretend or#something#like god its frustrating. i need to cut my mum out of my life fr
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"I'm adding it to my reading list" I say about any SCP thing I hear.
<- fir ass does NOT have a reading list. it's in fir brain and fi has the memory of a squirrel on ketamine. Half are forgotten. The other half is shit fi's already read but would read again in a heartbeat
#scp#im. normal i promise#but oh my god#i wanna read more no return shit#i wanna read jade proposal#im GOING to read gold proposal#i wanna read og43 (at least. a little. one million words christ alive)#i need to read more 120a aside from ggg#i wanna reak more cotbg and sarkik shit#i will likely just end up re-reading the man in the white suit or smoking mirror because it makes my autistic brain happy#HOWEVER#god i forgot i was told to read 4000 cause its up my alley [NAME/IDENTITY HORROR]#also i wanna read the other ADMO things ive read termination attempt and the new one#FUCK ME I KEEP FORGETTING TO ACTUALLY FINISH THERE IS NO ANTIMEMETIC DIVISION#everything is antimemetic when youre fucking. whatever i am. autism adhd hellcocktail idk
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i think its awesome how every single one of my f/os, romantic or otherwise, would smoke weed with me EXCEPT dave. hed joke about it but if i asked him he would be so fucking scared. mf would never
#and thats MY TRUTH!!!!!!!#like i ask him and he says yes out of instinct so i set everything up and start to just like walk him through the basics#but he just chickens out. he does NOT smoke WEED im SERIOUS!!!!!!#hes scared little scared idiot baby little fucking loser cant pick up a blunt#he wishes he could cause its cool or whatever but he could never. or alternafively he doesnt get affected due to adhd#but hes too scared to say anything so he just. pretends#i dont care if this is ooc maybe he smokes when hes older but if you asked him before like 25 hed be so scared#cherry chats#im going to bed. im just mourning the 2g i LOST awhile back#like i just. forgot where i put it. and i havent been able to find it so i havent gotten high in like. months LMFAO#shit lets be rails ill be the shoosh to your pap#that said i bet he loves messing with me while im high. hes like the worlds trolliest trip sitter#and by troll i obviously dont mean the. homestuck kind. whatever you get it#hed think thats so fun hes so great
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i managed to open the email I need to reply to on my laptop and now I can’t even LOOK at the screen anymore,,, honestly fascinating behaviour at this point
#I’m buffering#I will look at it within the next ten to fifteen minutes my brain just needs to buffer up before the task idk how to explain it#but fuck#i don’t even know if it’s adhd or whatever that’s causing this but for fucks sake#@ my brain let me do my shit I have work to do#shut up Sam
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talking to a guy and he’s like “how the fuck do you have all this shit memorized?” my brother in christ i memorized a movie as a kid because i got bored during state tests
#it's not like it was even all that much#''all this shit'' being storylines for different games and some of the story arcs in the world war z book#and like some anime storylines#but i'd finish the state tests early#and i knew it#so for two days leading up to the test i'd just watch whatever movie (it was frozen i was a frozen kid)#and then during the test i'd finish and just stare at the ceiling the remaining time and ''watch'' the movie w soundtrack and backgrounds#and like. even the fucking credits#y'know what add that to the list of ''shit i should probably mention if i ever look into a diagnosis''#did y'all know tiptoeing is apparently a neurodivergent kid thing?#my sister's two sons have autism (her daughter probably has adhd) and she keeps sharing info on autism and it's like huh.#i had a lot of that.#and i have a brother that didn't get diagnosed til his 20s 'cause he started to crash and burn in college#but he was like. completely nonverbal as a kid for years and they were just like ''oh some kids are like that''#like i would repeat EVERYTHING if it like. made my mouth feel good? and that's a type of stimming apparently#because my nephew does the exact same thing where he'll hear a word once on a commercial or something#and repeats it over and over with like. same intonation and everything
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okay pt 2 time
#they steal my phone whenever they feel like it just cause#they don't even realize that they're doing it#''ohhhh lovebug you shouldn't judge them so much they have adhd''#yeah thats no fucking excuse for stealing my phone without any regard for what i was doing#also they like hate all the discord servers i'm in which like fine its whatever#but one time when they stole my phone while i was on discord they saw that one of the rules was to add ids or tag the id provider role if#you can't due to a disability#and they like scoffed#for no reason ???#actually the reason was that they like apparently hate being accessible to the blind/vi#even though they themself are disabled ?? and have an ''accessible'' disability blog#like omgggg stfu PLEASE#ok rant over thnx for coming to my ted talk#well rant over unless i find more to say
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