#cause rn I live in a small as fuck town where (at least in the spaces I am closer to) noone gives a flying fuck abt yr gend.er/sexu.ality

[bellflower-goat]

<:]

[whollyjoly]

shuffle your favorite playlist and post the first five songs that come up. then copy/paste this ask to your favorite mutuals <3

I AM SO BEHIND ON ASKS but HELLO PRETZ MY DEAR!!!

alright alright i think im just going to do my "on repeat" playlist because that feels like the right vibe!!

Don't Know What's Come Over You - The Ruen Brothers

look...i love the ruen brothers. i love them SO MUCH. have i used songs from them for moodboards in both the bob and the 911 fandoms?? yes yes i have. i will shout about them from the rooftops because i just love their music!!! SO MUCH!!!

also i got to see them in concert a few weeks back and they are just!! so talented AND so nice!!! ahhhhhh okay anyways

2. Dream Girl Evil - Florence + The Machine

i have been on SUCH a florence + the machine kick recently!! you can blame @xxluckystrike for reminding me just how much i love them a few months back 😅 and ive been OBSESSED ever since so thank you blu!!!

also idk what it is but with canon bi!buck, i just feel like he would fucking love f+atm okay?? so i am living not just vicariously through him but FOR him

3. The Storm in You - The Ruen Brothers

LOOK i said i was obsessed and so it is not surprising in the least that they're on my "on repeat" playlist multiple times 😅😅 this song IN PARTICULAR though is a personal fav!! there's something about it that just makes me want to dance?? like swing or blues dance, something slow on a summer evening with the sun bathing everything in a dark pink and golden glow...

(they also played a slow version of this at the concert i went to that made my heart MELT so im especially obsessed)

4. A.M. Radio - The Lumineers

look i've been a lumineers girlie for a long time, and this album is just SUCH easy listening for me!! if ever im feeling overwhelmed or anxious, this is one of my go-to albums to put on and just turn off my brain!!

is it basic hipster of me?? maybe. do i care?? HELL no!!

5. The Exception - Dustbowl Revival feat. The Secret Sisters

okay okay so this is funny because like?? i have NO idea where i found this song?? maybe it was on one of the daylists or something, but all i know is that i found it and theres something about it that scratches SUCH a good itch in my brain?? it's also sooooo cute, not just the song and the lyrics but the album art too!! look at that!! the lil astronauts and a flower!!

but like, tell me this doesnt just make your heart so happy:

and i could go forevermore / maybe we open a general store in some small town / where no one could find us

no matter what i say or what I do / i can't live without you 'cause you're the exception to the rule

its literally the most kicking my feet twirling my hair giggling song i can think of rn, i love it just SO much!!

ANYWAYS thank you so much for sending this to my pretz my dear!! i hope you are doing WONDERFULLY and i just adore you SO MUCH!! 🥰💖✨

[chocoenvy]

heyo, it’s me pretty anon. (i like it better than bully anon too :))

i think i fucked up

so, i’ll keep this simple since i need to go to bed cause it’s like 4:30am and i get up at 8 lmao.

since the cruise my dad and step-mom decided to physically split as well. my dad is signing for a divorced in the next couple of days. my step-mom is in a completely different state rn with her youngest daughter and mother. my mom mom doesn’t know about the divorced and honestly i think no one’s told her since we don’t wanna hear it.

so um, i haven’t really gotten a chance to talk to anyone about this stuff since i live in a small town and everyone knows everyone yknow? so firstly, thank you for letting me vent. it’s nice to talk to someone the same age anonymously. you give good advice.

anyway, all of this has kinda been building up on me, which is super weird cause i thought i wouldn’t care. i’m a senior in high school rn so it’s not like i can’t go visit her once i graduate. and my dad and step mom are both encouraging me to keep up a relationship with her. she wasn’t really around much and when she was it was only ever good one on one since with my dad it would be borderline abusive. (or maybe actually abusive, i’m not really sure i know how to identify it. it just seems normal to me)

my dad also asked me if i had contacted my step mom like a couple days after she left. i’d been wanting to but i had no idea what to say to her. so i didn’t. he said to me, and i don’t think i’ll ever forget this, “oh. i thought you loved her.” in the most casual tone. my heart is broken. i got really upset with him and he literally could not comprehend why. i’m starting to second guess myself if i loved her or not. i know for a fact that i did, but does she know it?

so yknow the new ios 16 update? weird change of pace i know but i swear it’s important. well i just decided like an hour ago to get it and i fucking hate it. fun fact, if you have spotify on and your phone turns off then they change YOUR LOCKSCREEN to match the spotify song. wtf. well i started off hating it cause i had to scroll through over 2,000 photos just to find the exact same ones i was currently using (it’s venti and xiao btw) and i started hyperventilating.

well i was doing my daydreams when i realized the spotify thing. and i completely stopped. i had a full blown panic attack for at least 45 minutes. i was hyperventilating so hard i honestly thought i was going to passed out. i later down so i at least wouldn’t fall and everything.

i think i panicked because of all the penh up emotions that i have going on rn.

after i finally calmed down, i went over to plug in my chrome book for school. and then i remembered i had an eyebrow razor in my backpack…

i think you know what i meant when i said i fucked up.

it was only four cuts. not deep enough to draw blood except for one, all tiny on my thigh where no one can see them. i can’t believe i did it though. and the worst part, the absolute worst part is, the relief i felt? it’s like i actually have control.

i know you said the ice cube method. i’ve actually told other freinds going through a hard time about it too. but at the moment, i just wasn’t thinking straight.

im scared im gonna do it again. any ideas on what i should do? lol

with love, pretty anon

HELLO PRETTY <33 I'm so sososososo sorry for answering this so late but!

tw: self harm, relapses, sensitive topics

It's completely valid and I cannot fault you for relapsing it is a very normal part of healing. So long as you get back up, everything will be okay I promise.

But! I remembered an app that I had come across some years ago. I forgot the name and when I tried to look it up i found calm harm.

The app I thought of describes self harm as a wave. The want to harm yourself flows in and then out. It comes and goes. The trick is to distract yourself before the feeling takes over your actions. Calm Harm definitely helps with it from what I've seen. I've never tried these apps though. There are also counters that count how long you've gone without cutting if that kind of thing helps.

Would definitely recommend! As well as watching videos or creating a playlist full of videos/songs that make you happy! Find something that makes you happy and hold onto it for when you need it! I can completely understand not being in the right state of mind and forgetting it which is why you should have it on your phone so you can access it before you can access something else. It also helps if you're ever in public - or even in private - and need to calm down.

Gather resources to prepare for these down times. It'll help!

I understand that self harm can feel good, god trust me I know, but it's not worth it. There are other things that can make you feel better than self harm can. And I can't speak for you but after I self harm I just feel so much shame?? And fear?? Mostly because I don't want someone to find them but I just feel ashamed.

I can't explain it and I really don't have much room to talk because I'm still stuck in self harm. But if it means anything, I would be very proud to see you heal from this <3

I'm glad you can talk about this anonymously but if you ever need to talk to me one on one my dms are always open <3

Take care! And I'm sorry for answering so late, I hope you're okay <33

[cvastals]

look i kno i said i wasnt gna bring a 6th until i was caught up w replies bt i kno gunner well n therefore felt like he deserved his time to shine in the rp so i beg of u pls plot w him looks at u all like :B

* axel auriant, cis man + he/him | you know gunner paxton, right? they’re twenty-two, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, four years? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to bizarre love triangle by new order like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole curling up for days in bed wearing a hello kitty comfort shirt, stuttering in the face of affection, and hand me downs two sizes too big thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is july 31st, so they’re a leo, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( bri, 23, est, they/them )

background.

middle child of the paxton family, cliff being the eldest and wyatt being the youngest :D

they lived at the top of a hill in a trailer in a trailer park neighbourhood in laramie, wyoming so to say the least that fucking sucked for everyone involved

the trailer was so small that all 3 boys ended up sharing a room, gunner and wyatt sharing a bunk bed bc they cldnt fit 3 beds into one room it really was every childs nightmare bt they quickly grew used to it tbh

gunner was always more of an artsy child than invested in sports - though he does enjoy baseball and continued even to this day after their dad made him join SOMETHING in middle school - so he never rly earned their father’s respect, but he was always close with his mom since they had the same calm temperament

(depression/anxiety tw) he also gained a list of mental health issues that their mom had as well, including social anxiety and major depressive disorder

(violence/abuse tw) their father always encouraged pretty volatile behaviour and it caused a lot of physical fights and arguments between the brothers when their dad told them the best way to get over it was to start hurting until someone tapped out, it was just a chaotic and pretty abusive household but no one knew and their mom definitely wasn’t going to say anything about it to their dad

(missing child/kidnapping/anxiety/depression tw)  wyatt went missing on a weekend that their parents were gone because of a trip they won, and things just got worse from there, high school was really rough for gunner, his anxiety grew worse as time went on that no one found wyatt, their dad grew more hostile towards them, cliff left home in the middle of the night never to be seen again (merely leaving a note so that the family didn’t think they had a case of two kidnapped children), and their mom just grew sicker, it was rare that she would ever leave her room and if she did it was in fits of random energy where she would do something spontaneous and completely unnecessary to their house as a way of coping

the two years that gunner was at home after cliff left were pretty brutal and as soon as he could, he was fleeing wyoming and going to school in irving

(internalized homophobia tw)  things are far better now that he’s out of his home situation, but ofc he still has a few personal things he’s working thru; the paxton’s were raised in an incredibly religious household, and he’s got some classic Catholic Guilt going on upon realizing that he’s not jst attracted to women n he avoided talking abt it forever/stayed in the closet fr far too long bt he’s sort of come out now in his own way even tho he does still get a bit nervous talking abt it rly

he’s also ‘dealing’ rn (just pharmaceuticals) which is frankly funny to think abt bc this man is abt as threatening as a care bear bt money is tight all things considering and a librarian job doesn’t rly cover it, and with the amount of meds he’s on, plus incredibly frequent doctor’s visits, needing to pay for extra epi-pens, inhalers, etcs. bills add up so he’s cutting back his meds n selling wht he can spare which is . so unhealthy bt thts life in corporate america baybee!

details.

is literally allergic to everything. grass, cats, most fruits, milk, most nuts, bees, latex, probably more i cnt even keep up w them its pathetic

u can catch him strutting around town w his blinged out epipen holder (aka blinged out w pins of his fav horrors movies) LKSHDGKLHSKLDG

if things cldnt get worse he also has quite intense asthma so he carries an inhaler with him at all times

n to make matters even WORSE he frequently has dizzy spells n bad memory problems bc of all the concussions he’s suffered from (about 8-9 at this point) as well as consistent migraines that can b literally debilitating sometimes

awkward n jst a bit of a Weirdo to b frank like he barely knows how to converse with ppl

didnt have any friends in high school so took the time to teach himself rly weird things, knows a fuck ton of magic tricks, can yodel, juggle, solve a rubix cube with his eyes closed in under 30 seconds, just extremely weird and specific things

can honestly b a bit mean/barbaric to ppl he’s not close w/doesn’t kno - has told ppl to their face before he doesn’t enjoy talking to them bc he has no concept of social constructs/norms

loves 2 film random things at parties, makes him feel more comfortable at them n he makes short films of them all after

going off that fact he did a film internship in nyc during the summer and is trying to find a job in that field

doesn’t realize demisexuality is a thing so he’s never been that fond of sex but has this stigma in his mind that that makes him Broken so he still Tries n it jst doesnt go well tugs my shirt collar

connections.

ppl who r more into under the counter meds than Hard Drugs n buy off him?? probs wld have to kno him some way hes too scared to sell to Random randoms

ppl he went to school w? :D

some friends………. hes awkward bt he means well…………

ppl he has a crush on/unrequited crushes either way wtvr floats ur boat he crushes quite easily but never does anything abt it fr the most part

a mans he wld Risk It All fr (aka a guy tht he actually has a crush on n is Extra Awkward probs a lil mean to bc hes still New to That)

some enemies tbh, he has a temper n he tends to blow up rarely bt it happens n when it does it actually can b quite scary JKSHDGLHSDG

a muse….. mayhaps?? someone he always wants in his film projects

awkward past hook ups/one night stands where one of them cut ties off cuz every time they got together gunner acted like he was embalming a body for a funeral

current hook ups/fwb’s w ppl he’s actually close w/is comfortable w so its nowhere near as bad SDKHSLDGHKLSDGH

Anything u Desire

[fvaleraye]

Ashes and Dust

Heyyyyyy, would you look at that... another Scintillam chapter. Ngl, I hit a creative block super hard for a while. I had several WIPs that I wanted to do, but... like, once I started them, I didn’t really feel it, y’know? So, I decided to start fresh, and just. Work on something chill. So I did! This is gonna be another Charthos chapter, I’ll probably swap back to the gals pov soon, but I’m just feeling my old cranky pyromancer man rn Also, I would like to give a big shoutout to @artnerd1123 for proofreading the chapter for me, and helping fix some stuff that i missed/didn’t think about. Tyvm, Belle... I appreciate you... Anyway, I hope y’all enjoy reading...

-------------------------------------------------------------

The month of the Blazing Moon meant long days, and short nights. A dreadful heat washed over most of the land, as the name implied, save for the ever-chilled northern mountains, of course. The farmers across the land harvested their summer crops and prepared for the coming of fall. Though travel wasn't exactly booming in the suffocating summer heat- unless the travel led to a coast or someplace cooler- there were many who were unbothered by the temperature. The lizardfolk especially thrived during these times. On the other hand, pyromancers considered the Blazing Moon to be a holy month, if for no other reason than the fact that it preceded the coming of the Embered Moon, when the Rite of Embers would take place. To see a pyromancer out of their lands during these months was a rarity, but one could be seen walking the roads. An old, tired pyromancer. Charthos had been travelling for weeks. Magna Terra was not small, but the place he searched for was. Just a modest little hamlet in the middle of nowhere. In the Great Plains, no less- one of the biggest open spaces of absolutely nothing on the whole continent. It was easier to navigate than the Ashen Plains. No waist-high ash to trudge through. Roads were still sparse, though. And every direction looked equally identical. At least the sun was visible, that helped. And he had a passable sense of direction. And he remembered the little town from many, many years ago. It had something resembling sentimental significance for him. Something like that. Still wasn't easy to find. There weren't exactly towers scraping the clouds to tell him when he was getting close. If he was visiting one of the cities, this wouldn't be nearly as difficult. He huffed, embers and sparks leaving his old, splintered body. He watched the little sparks of life fall to the earth. At least this grass isn't dry yet. He mused. That would cause issues for the Uncharred 'round here, huh... He let out a quiet little chuckle. For a people who didn't use fire for much more than lighting the dark or warming things up, they sure did live in some flammable areas. A few suns pass, more of the same. Eventually, hints of brown wood, stone foundations, and gray smoke from chimneys started to peak over the horizon. Thank the fucking Traveller, I'm finally here. Or, well, close enough.

Another few minutes of trudging slowly on the path lead the pyromancer to the town square. It was a quiet town. Or, at least, it was supposed to be. There was a decent crowd gathered in the middle of the square, seemed like the whole town, or near enough. They were gathered around a woman in strange garb standing on a small makeshift stage. She was not a short woman- even if she was level with the crowd she would probably still peek over their heads- but she was still clearly human. At least, from what one could tell. She wore a pale dress with no sleeves, and ribbons circled her arms. Her face was covered but a wooden mask, the face of it painted with a fierce, purple visage, with horns protruding from the sides, her brown hair braided underneath it. Around her on the stage were a few other similarly dressed individuals, though, unlike her,  they were silent. The woman was yelling and gesturing with all the fervor and energy of a young, opinionated priest. But she wasn't a priestess. At least, not like one he had seen. He stepped closer to the edge of the crowd to better hear what had the strange woman up in arms.

"-nd one day, they will return! The great, scaled beasts of time immemorial!" She cried. "The dragons will return, and the skies shall darken beneath their great wings, as they take back what was once, what has always been, theirs, and destroy those who presume to own their lands, their world!" She began pointing to various members of the crowd. "All of you, all of us, will be wiped from this world, like footprints washed away in a rainstorm, as the fury of nature itself descends on us, and we will all be but ashes and dust! Unless we supplicate the great scaled ones as we once did! Mayhaps, they will even see fit to elevate us to their greatness! You need only-!"

Charthos began to walk away after realizing that the one he was looking for wasn't among the crowd, as well as getting tired of the woman's screeching, and the looks from the crowd. Doomsayers. Dime a dozen nowadays... He thought, given an exasperated sigh. He stepped away from the main square, and began making his way towards the residential area of the little town. He glanced over each home as he walked, looking for one in particular. They were all very similar; wooden walls and roof, at least two windows, chimney, stone foundation raising it above the dirt... the differences were aesthetic. Some had nice curtains. Others had cleanly painted roofs, or walls. A few had flowers, whether gardens of them, or simply a few on the window sill. It was downright pleasant. What I wouldn't give to live like this again. Even if only for a time. He brushed off the sentimental thoughts as he turned to one house, practically near the end of the edge of town. It was simple, like all the others. It had purple curtains, and rather... exotic looking plants growing in a side garden. He walked up the steps, and gave the door a small knock. There was some silence, and then he knocked again, this time louder. Footsteps started approaching the door, the sounds of several locks being undone sounded past the wooden surface. After a moment, a pair of gray eyes peeked past a crack in the door. They looked over the demon-infested, wooden man, and closed the door to undo another lock. The door creaked open, revealing a tired looking woman in patchy clothes. "May I come in?" Charthos asked, hesitantly. The woman just motioned him inside, and locked the door before turning to face him.

"What do you want, old man?" She asked tersely, leaning on the doorway of the dimly lit, but still rather charming abode.

"Hello to you too, Penelope." He replied, his tone jabbing at her.

"If you're going to be like that, get out." She spit, her tired voice laced with venom.

"Aw, I feel so welcomed. Every grandfather's dream." He sighed, crouching down in front of the fireplace. "I need a favor from you, dear."

"Of course you do." She let out a spiteful laugh, still leaning on the doorway. "You never write, let alone visit, unless you need something from me."

Uncomfortable silence settled over the room, the tension in the air thick enough to choke on. The man simply stared into the roaring flame in the stone fireplace, lost in his own head for a moment that felt like eternity. He didn't want to reply. He couldn't reply. Not with anything she would want to hear. Nothing he could say would make up for anything. Even if he wasn't facing her, he could feel her gaze piercing through him, bright and furious, like a bolt of lightning.

"Are you going to say anything?" She said, her frustrated tone slicing through the silence like a dagger.

"What do you want me to say?" He spat back, glancing over his shoulder. "I'm sorry? I've said that. I've said it so many times to so many people it's lost its meaning. Want me to say I was wrong? Well I was. Too late to change anything. What can I say that'll make you happy?"

Silence settled again. No answer came. She couldn't think of one. She just gave a long, tired sigh.

"Yeah, that's what I thought." He mumbled, turning back to the fire. "What are you cooking in here?"

She raised a brow at the question. "Excuse me?"

"What are you cooking in this fire?" He gestured to what was seemingly open air above the fire. "You're not warmin' up. Not in the middle of bleedin' summer. What are you cooking?"

After a brief moment of indignant hesitation, Penelope stepped away from the doorway, and waved a hand at the fire. The once orange and yellow flames turned black and purple, and all light they once produced vanished. In the center was a now visible deer's skull, being slowly and unnaturally devoured by the flames. Black magic. The pyromancer gave a small chuckle. "You really are like your mum." He said, tilting his head at it. "... how's she doin', by the by?"

"She's fine." The witch replied, tersely.

"... I'll take your word for it." He sighed. "How's your deadbeat pop?"

She returned with a sigh of her own, before giving an answer. "Hell if I know."

"I figured as much."

The two continued to stare at the dark flame in silence, as it casted dark and unnatural shadows over the room. The shifting shapes whispered indecipherably, in dead languages. Neither were very perturbed by it, but the girl was the only one really listening. That's why it was there, after all. After about half an hour of silence, the deer skull was gone, completely devoured by the flames, and with that, the black flames were gone near instantly, as well as the shapes, and their whispering. Light returned to the room, but silence was still dominant. Eventually, it was broken by another long sigh from the young witch. "I'll say it again. What do you want, old man?" He stared quietly at the open space where there was once fire. There were no embers. No smoke. It was as if it wasn't even there. An absolute void of space within the stone fireplace. Pristine. As if it had never been used once. He took a long, deep breath. He wanted to berate her. Tell her to maybe not make dealings with these things, but it would fall on deaf ears. Same as her mother. And besides. He wasn't one to talk, really.

"I need a coal." He said, finally. His request stilled the air in the wooden home.

After a moment of silence, the witch simply leaned over, reaching a hand into the fireplace, as a dark, viscous substance started to bleed from the stone. It wormed and writhed to the space where her hand rested, and formed into a small stone-like object. Darker than black, it seemed to suck the light out of the area around it. She handed it to him wordlessly, and he took it, stuffing it into a bag at his hip. With that now in his possession, he stood up, and looked to her. "Thank you, dear." He whispered, stepping towards the door. "I'll be going now. I know when I'm not wanted." He stepped out the door, and it was shut behind him. No goodbyes were exchanged, nothing more was said. Nothing more needed to be said. As he stepped down from the porch of the humble little house and back onto the dirt, he glanced back over his shoulder. "... I love you, dear." He said, wistfully. "You and your mum. I always did. The only flesh and blood I got left." He looked to the ground, his branches swaying a bit in the wind. "... and you." He added, seemingly to no-one in particular. Seemingly. "If any harm comes to her on account of you, I will know. And I will find you." With those final, ominous words, he started his trip out back out of town, a shape slipping out of his shadow as he left, to his next stop on this little journey of his.

[societysonlooker]

bi lesbians do not exist. bisexual women aligned with the lesbian community in the past because bisexuality was not yet given a label. “bisexual lesbians” are denying the existence of bisexuality as a separate and complete identity and the work that bi activists have done to establish that community.

I remember the post this is referring too, and I know that all I was saying is that sometimes when I joke around, I call myself a lesbian cause I'm Bi but just reaaaaaally like girls.

And.

Ok, listen. I know.

Bit consider: I live in a small town where if I say I'm bi, men ask me to be their fuckin unicorn, and if I say I'm a lesbian, they threaten to "fix me". So for me, a genderqueer Bi person who's bisexuality is like, 95% women and like, one guy in particular, and one particular "type" that im attracted to but can't actually see myself with... saying I'm a lesbian as a working definition of myself isn't really that far from accurate. Maybe like, 2 degrees off. and on top of that, I'm demi (ace).

So for all intents and purposes where I'm actively trying to date people, Yeah, I'm a lesbian. Ive been in love with a boy before and it was a decade ago, and I haven't felt that way towards another guy since then. And I can't even change my labels to "bisexual homoromantic" cause like... both my romantic feelings AND my attraction (which is a weird word for me to begin with...) is split 95-5%. So I'm not that either.

I generally give people both labels. I make jokes about my being gay and call myself a lesbian, because for me, thats closer to my everyday truth. But then small town alert and men start asking fucked up shit and making vaguely concealed threats and I fucking backtrack and let them know I am, at least slightly, into men. There's nothing here to "fix". Im just Demi (ace) and find most of y'all personalities in this this town fucking atrocious so please and thank you fuck off.

Literally a fucking month ago my sister's ex-turned-stalker threatened to "make me like men". Had to inform him I do like some men, but certainly not him.

So why don't I introduce myself as bi first?

Because when I introduce myself as bi, people (men) get this idea that im kinky, that im a slut, that I'll be their third, and that I DEFINITELY want them. And literally none of that is true. But unfortunately, thats the stigma, the stereotype, that follows bisexuality. When I tell men I'm bisexual, they feel entitled to me, and i know because I've had to be verbally and physically aggressive in turning down more than a few men after I'd told them I'm bi. And in my current living situation, its 100% easier to tell people in a lesbian first, then if they get aggressive, to backtrack and say "well there's some boys I like". It is literally a safety thing.

It says "dick is fine, ain't nothing wrong with it. Just not what I want rn and certainly not what I'm looking for tn please let me drink my cola while my bff slams tequilla shots like we don't have work tm in peace."

It says "you're not gonna fix me cause there's nothing to fix, but I don't want you tonight". And sometimes, even that's not enough to get someone to back off.

You know where I will always, 100% of the time introduce myself as bisexual? In a queer space, or around queer friends. Because my bisexuality DOES include transwomen, nonbinary folk, genderqueer and genderfluid individuals, and yes, same as with cis men, SOME transmen! (Though an amount more cause a lot of them were actually raised to respect other people because that is forced upon AFAB people since we're born and like I said demisexual so yes that matters to me but also thats a whole 'nother conversation about how upbringing affects personality).

I will be the first one to stand up and say that bisexuals are important and valid. The first one to stand up and say that we're not just "confused" or "secretly gay" or "trying to be hip". And ill be the first one to punch that PTA mom in the mouth for calling our underclassmen "greedy f*gs" at open house night when they give an explanation of what being bisexual is to them. I'll be the first one to say that while it is entirely possible the pan label was created to divide the community from bisexuals by calling us transphobic (which has literally never been true), I'll also be the first one to not fucking say that to the 14 y/o little sibling of my friend who lives in Ohio who's trying to figure out their own sexuality, because the only way we can overcome that division and hate is to love each other no matter what.

Not to mention.. what if I was a lesbian? What if being in love with my best friend who happened to be a boy back when I was in middke school was a one time thing? What if I was just another confused small town gay on tumblr trying to figure out who I was, and was using that experience as a hinge to my identity? And what if using lesbain was a way for me to figure out exactly who I am? Well then yiu came into my ask box, low-key attacked me, and woukd have left me feeling hella confused. And thank gods that nkt who I am, anymore. Gods if you'd said that to me when I was first figuring out my sexuality, I probably would've cried and stopped researching. Probably wouldn't have had a firm grasp of who I am and what ny ideals are around certain problems and topics within our community.

We have bigger issues then bisexual girls/NB folks who call themselves lesbians because of the context of their specific life experience. We have terfs filling the askboxes of our sisters with hate and threats, we have neonazis and the fucjing kk in ALL of our inboxes telling us their "God" wants us to die. We have white supremacists within our ranks trying to tell POC in our community that they're not valid. We have people whose issue with the black and brown stripe on the flag is so, so much fucking worse than just worrying abt their personal aesthetic, but who then sigh and accept it cause "well they belong here to might as well show the world". (If you can't tell, I very much like the addition to the flag. Took getting used to, but its honestly metal af).

That said. This is tumblr. This is an online blogging community where I know exactly 3 people IRL, and NONE of yall are privy to my romantic and sexuak history. I, along with every other user on this site, is not required to tell you the last time someone threatened to rape them cause of their sexuality. They are nkt required to tell you their home situation, and they are not required to tell you exactly how they feel about any or all genders at any given point. They are not required, and you are not entitled to that information. Labels are just something we use to identify others in our community, and something we use to make new members of the community feel welcomed and valid. If youre a lesbian and won't be with me cause I've been with a man, and so feel my saying lesbian was misleading, congrats! Biophobic. If you're a man, and think I should've said bisexual cause then it means you have a chance, congrats! Your personality immediately upon meeting people makes queer individuals feel unsafe! Good for you.

I'm not walking around calling myself butch or femme or anything like that. I'm not calling myself a Sapphic lesbian, and I'm certainly not claiming that all bi AFAB peeps are lesbians; that would be hella dumb, bisexuality is a spectrum and everyone experiences it differently.

So

If you can't handle my using the labels I do (that do, in fact, fit me to varrying degrees) based on my surroundings to keep myself safe, then maybe you need to step back and re-evaluate your priorities.

[luobingmeis]

so i’ve got an amnesty theory

and i had to wash off some negative feelings in the shower so i had a lot of time to think on this so, forgive me, bc this might get a bit long

but i think what travis/aubrey said was right, that this particular abomination looks almost staged, that it’s meant to be scary. and, with that, i think someone is targeting the pine guard/amnesty lodge.

bc, just think, a blonde vampiric woman (suspect: dani) walks into the hornet’s nest (motive: jake coolice’s ex friends) and commits an act so grusome and literally monstrous (evidence that ties into monstrous acts: the cryptonomica) that it can’t be ignored by kepler. it’s meant to be scary and look monstrous because it is.

but, first, let me backtrack: the abominations. as they had said in the episode, the other abominations looked like accidents. the beast looked like a bear and, with that, any fatalities could be a bear attack. if calvin owens drowned in the pool bc of the water monster, it would look like just that: he drowned while training. the calamity tree was literally made to make purposeful events look like accidents. no normal person would look at a bear attack, or a kid who drowned, or a car crash, and think “oh, it’s a monster.”

but a fanged woman who seemed to grow in size and literally mutilate and tear into bodies so badly that they’re unrecognizable? most people’s first thought would be, “oh, it’s a monster.”

and that’s where i think the targeting of amnesty lodge comes in. of course, this raises the question of if it’s dani. i don’t remember if it has been said in canon, but i highly doubt that dani has never left amnesty lodge. i’m pretty sure she’s been out in kepler before. and, since we know that kepler is a small town, there’s probably at least a few people that, in good lighting, could recognize her. so, for whatever reason, if dani wanted to turn on amnesty lodge/mama/pine guard/whatever, i think she would know how to do it.

but i don’t think it’s dani.

i think the abomination can shapeshift. we saw that happen with the terrifying gregor moment (which i have more to say on later) and it could be what happened with dani. perhaps the abomination incapacitated her, therefore feigning memory loss, and went and tore into the hornets.

so, to reiterate, i think this new abomination is targeting amnesty lodge, or is at least working for someone who wants to target amnesty lodge, which leads me to my next point: this abomination will perhaps be the most dangerous one yet

obviously all the abominations are dangerous. and, honestly, most of them were dangerous because of their abstract state. a beastly form that can absorb other animals and become a prime hunter? a water spirit that can infiltrate any place where there’s water? a tree that grows new timelines? it’s all scary bc it’s so inhumane and unpredictable. but this abomination can at least appear human. whether or not to say it actually is, it does a pretty damn good job at looking human.

this abomination has more autonomy than the other three ever could, and i think we’re about to enter a very interesting dichotomy between the monsters in amnesty and the abominations. bc, you know how when someone constantly says “this is fine” and, every time they say it, you believe them less and less? that’s kinda how i feel with mama constantly saying that the abominations and the monsters in kepler are nothing alike. now, i’m not saying that the residents in amnesty are these horrible, abominable creatures. fuck, ned trying to tell mama that when they were dealing with billy is fucking painful bc you can just feel how badly ned fucked up. no, i think we’re about to enter a part of the story where it’s shown that, while the abominations and the amnesty residents are not one in the same, one can become the other a lot easier than anyone else would like.

i think it’s also important to note that, if this is true, it means the abomination knows enough to be able to not just properly target amnesty, but also enough to know what’s going on w/ the pine guard at any time.

which leads me to my next point: i think someone, and perhaps that someone is the abomination, is watching amnesty lodge.

now, quickly, let’s break down the “normal” npcs that are, knowingly or not, involved in what’s going on with amnesty lodge:

leo: ex chosen one, already knows what’s going on, knew for longer than duck did. he already has a major role in the story, so i’m sure he’s fine

pigeon wilson: ngl i kinda forgot abt her, but she knows a lot. but, still, she had her “place” in the story in fighting the monsters, and i don’t think she’d try to target amnesty. if anything, she’d want to get involved w/ the pine guard, but i digress

calvin owens: a high school kid who was attacked and, against his will, dragged into all this shit. i honestly think he’s terrified and doesn’t want to get involved anymore

sheriff owens: knows more than he’s actually aware of, but he’s so fed up with ned and the cryptonomica that i don’t think he believes any of it yet. right now, i think he’s a source of tension in the story.

juno: knows that something is going on bc duck just happened to know that the train-thing was gonna crash. if im being honest, i don’t know enough about her to make a judgement call yet

the hornets: this one’s obvious, but i guess it’s good to note that keith knew the most first, but none of them know what’s fully going on yet

so, all these people (and forgive me if i’m missing some i don’t have the wiki pulled up) are people who have been directly involved one way or another. either they learned something from one or more members of the pine guard, or has taken part in monster hunting, or, in leo’s specific case, was a monster hunter

but there’s one npc left that ik we all love joking abt w/ his apparent obliviousness, but i think we should all start being just a bit more wary of: agent stern

now, this is where i myself am still piecing things together, bc i don’t necessarily think that stern is an abomination or is in cahoots with an abomination or what have you. but, honestly, i wouldn’t be surprised if he knows more than he lets on. bc, listen, i love the “bigfoot’s number one fan, agent stern, is served pancakes by bigfoot every morning and has yet to figure it out” joke just as much as the next person, but i think he might end up knowing a lot more than we think. i mean, for one, he’s living in amnesty, and has been for months. i’m not saying that he saw actual bigfoot walking out of the hotsprings, or opened a wrong door and found thacker, but there’s probably been some close calls.

(okay this is commentary from my proofreading but i just remembered the fucking creepy stunt “thacker” pulled when he seemed to be posessed and talking to aubrey through the speaker and that might be connected, might not be, but i don’t even have time to unpack that)

but, still, that’s not really what i think is happening. i don’t think stern is gonna show up one episode and be like, “aha! i knew it! i have been working with the abominations to figure out what you guys are doing!” no, per se, i think the abomination knows that stern is in amnesty lodge, and that stern works for the FBI in unexplained phenomena, and that stern is currently surrounded by unexplained phenomena.

which leads me to backtrack back to this abomnation: if the theory that i thought about while avoiding my feelings is actually true, this abomination knows a lot. this abomination knows to “become” dani, the explicit vampire in amnesty lodge. it knows that jake used to hang around with the hornets but now there’s some bad blood and, not only that, probably knows that aubrey threatened to burn keith alive (bluffing or not, she still said it). and this abomination is in kepler, home of cryptids and monsters and every other unexplained phenomena. 

but, with all that, this abomination seems to know the pine guard’s plans. like, it knew that they were going to the morgue!!! i don’t think “gregor” actually being not-gregor and the actual gregor being dead and the pine guard being there at that time was not some coincidence!!! whatever this abomination is, and as of rn i think it’s some shapeshifting thing, it knows a lot more than it should.

and then, to tie this all up in a messy bow, my personal thinking as to why this abomination is targeting amnesty lodge is this: to start conflict between the humans and the monsters. griffin has been dropping stuff everywhere about wars that broke out on other planets similar to ours/sylvane. janelle told aubrey that sylvane is not her world to save because of the war it could cause. 

i think abominations have a lot more awareness than we give them credit for, and i think this is how we’re going to start to see it. i think this abomination is following around the pine guard, feigning amnesty residents as suspects, and committing crimes that can be seen as motives because of the devastation it would cause. bc, it was said in the episode w/ regards to the hornets, if people knew that monsters were real and living in the town, would they stop at just the “bad” monsters, or would they do anything to be rid of all of them?

which this, i think, can raise the questions as to why this abomination would want to cause war, or if it’s against sylvane or against kepler or against both worlds in general, but i don’t even know if i’m right in any of this and i don’t want to make this post any longer than it already is

but, still, thanks for coming to my ted talk

[spoopy-queer]

my life has kind of exploded in the last 15 hours. im only just now alone even tho i kinda feel like i shouldnt be but i mean i should be ok for a few hours before i have to go to group.  i basically had a major panic attack and ended up talking to my dad on vid chat for four hours till my mom could come get me. i havent really talked a lot to him lately so it was weird at first to admit how ive fucked up lately and need help to straighten things out and make a plan. ive just been kind of “meh”-ing life lately and during that amassed debt i dont know how to handle at all and cant really pay my rent anymore.  well i cant.  i only paid some with help but my shit has reached a point where last morning i either had to tell the truth and show my fuck ups or just give up on life. and im at least at a point where i dont want to give up. i want to be at a place again where im genuinely excited for things and have some passion for the things i do. lately i barely feel a spark with anything.  so im going to be couch surfing the next month or more. theres always a bed at my grandmas for me but she lives in the next town over and thats like an hour to drive from there to the city center where my group therapy takes places.  i feel really ashamed and hate how i just let things stew i guess till i had no other choices.   dont really know what the next two months are gonna be like. i might have to move to my dads in spain for a month to just kind of get away tbh.  i dont know why im writing this and posting but sometimes in the past ive vented on here and its somehow freeing to just let it out before i tell my friends.  like hey uh ive been doing bad as you guys know but yeh its kinda worse than ive been letting on. also is it ok if i could crash sometimes on your couch or steal a shower?  i feel more at ease tho, ive already started packing and will prolly finish tomorrow. and my dad is going to help me make a deal with my loans to pay them off slowly. according to him i should have it under control in a few months. ugh im so tired and need to shower badly.  things are very up in the air rn but hopefully ill have a solid plan in a few days.  this is also just a reminder to myself i can ask for help. and i should. it sucks having to but im just in a place where i have to. for even small things like my sister or mom is going with me tomorrow between stores to get boxes for my stuff cause i dont think i can by myself hahah. 

ok im going to shower now. try to sleep, go to group later, answer my messages that ive ignored the past day and continue packing. 

[severusdefender]

Back on my '2 Gryffs & a Slyth Walk Into a Traincar AU' Bullshit again (lol)

So like, I just figured that the mystery of Lily’s Empty Grave could be an interesting adventure that might drag former AU friends Remus and Severus back together before realizing that Lily is alive again.

Remus happens to be eking out a temporary living in or nearby Godric’s Hollow, where Lily was buried next to James (which Remus was left wondering if she had iced him [Remus] out in the end too bc he was left way outta the loop, those Daily Prophet rumors be strong despite being total lies). And I already HC that Severus visits the grave periodically to not only mourn but hate himself, expert multitasker that he is.

But Severus visits the grave again, not at his usual time, because he got a mysterious package (idk, like a box of Lily’s things? Addressed to “Severus Snape or Remus Lupin, in the Event of my Untimely Demise” which was never sent until Something got involved) handdelivered by a strangely normal man (Lily’s FaeDad) before he just… Fooshes away quietly like Batman, unnerving Severus.

And then they both run into each other, and there’s no buffer here, just… Raw, old hurts and bad blood and what could’ve (spoiler: will be, but not yet) been. It’s barely civil, and shows signs of devolving into a loud fight (because Severus would still token fight back at least, but not like he hates Remus or anything), but the first time they’ve spoken in a long time for them. But then something���s amiss, the mud that had barely filled in the over the broken bits of the coffin gets stepped on, and the ground just collapses. 

Can’t really decide who falling into the grave would be better, Remus or Severus. If Remus falls in, Severus is Still Concerned for his (former) friend, like he’s afraid that the man’s broken an ankle or leg and post-1stWar!Severus out of his scripted comfort zone is always good. But if it’s Severus who falls in, and Remus has a moment where he’s immediately concerned for the former friend, before catching himself as he’s pulling Severus outta the grave. And Severus notices it spark and immediately ebb away and it’s extremely bittersweet on both sides because these morons are affection-starved af, but both pretend that the other didn’t see anything regardless of who falls in. Thoughts?

Then they realize that the Grave is Empty, and that the enchantments on the coffin have been destroyed (& Lily’s wand is missing, another detail Sev later brings up). And suddenly it’s just this mystery that the both of them have to solve together, who stole their friend’s body and for what (probably dark) purpose? 

Shipping Ahead: Watch as Remus and Severus, old former friends who ended badly, get prickly with one another, but are forced to work together because they can’t/don’t trust the Wizarding authorities or public with this at all. And then the Mutual P I N I N G starts on top of their complicated baggage and raw hurt and everything just hurts so GOOD.

X'3

All the while, a distressed and confused FaeLily is wandering the English countryside & towns like a strange, magical hobo with amnesia, leaving small ripples of chaos in her wake, trying to figure out wtf is going on, how to get a grip on her magical superpowers and helping literally every distressed child she sees like some wrathful Fairy Godmother ripped from Grimm’s Fairy Tales, because Fae and Fae logic. Maybe some accidental curse-breaking and sorta Eldritch horror-type adventures, but generally let’s explore some of the magic that’s in the Muggle World because I think the Wizard-centric Ideology is dumb and needs to go lol.

Maybe like, her FaeDad acts like a… Detached trickster mentor figure? He’s pretty hands-off for the most part, and doesn’t intervene unless dragged in or invoked directly (which FaeLily doesn’t remember rn, both while “Dead” and Alive both times). But his motives are pretty ambiguous and he isn’t a fuzzy figure either, but resurrected Lily is still an interesting investment, so he’s… Watching his kid (despite being an adult, he’s a Fae, she’s YOUNG in comparison) find her feet without his help, while occasionally trying to herd her toward where Harry would be.

(Or maybe uses her like a strategic catspaw to deal with some of his local enemies/nuisances in the Fae/Magical realm without her knowing? Some sort of longgame probably in the works.)

But consider, in this way, Lily’s learning to be “Fae,” while wandering on her own, having occasional nightmares of her former life and some of the inbetween time wherever tf she spent “being Dead.” Her logic and actions are driven by survival and impulse, along with her need to find out what happened to her and who even IS her? She drifts away from human societal norms and moral-paradigms, making her own decisions and observations of this strange and unfamiliar world around her. 

Maybe toss in some international evil wizards too, like, okay so Voldemort’s Civil War that he started might have started to build at least a little traction outside the UK? Not a lot, mind you, but perhaps some like former Grindelwalder-esque peeps who went to ground, because racist rich people tend to flock together? And Voldemort would’ve probably been seen as a good bludgeon that some arrogant douche probably thought they could easily remove when he was done sacking the country, or a weapon-ally-of-convenience to point at their enemies in the name of their cause.

Separately, FaeLily and the Snupin Detectives clash with these wizards, who are doing a Plot, which I haven’t quite sussed out what exactly, but it’s probably bad for everybody in the future, though. Thoughts?

Anyways, back to detectives Remus & Severus! But for a while, just keep barely missing her once they finally get on the trail. In the meantime, OH HOW THEY PINE! THE BAGGAGE! THE DRAMA! THE S U F F E R I N G~! The moments of accidental fluff and bittersweet remembrance of good times, both Remus’ & Sev’s self-hatred, their regrets, the misunderstandings, the old chemistry sparking to life again, THE GUILT over accidental fluffy moments. And alllllll that Mutual Self-Denial. Delicious.

Severus is still concerned over his friend’s apparent dedication to not bothering his still-alive and (possibly? Sev doesn’t know really) not-shitty father, Lyall Lupin, that Remus would rather suffer and be in danger and a possible danger to others in a roulette of circumstance instead. Remus is trying to keep himself from trying to unravel whatever tf is going on with Severus, because he’s like, not entirely sure of Sev’s loyalties, or that Severus flipped because Dumbledore didn’t tell Remus shit for some reason (security?) and Severus isn’t expositing for shit. Just give me these two broken-hearted and damaged morons trying so hard to pretend they don’t care and fail, but deny it up and down until FaeLily decides that she ships it and decides to intervene later.

Then suddenly their dealing with more bad magic-users and strange occurrences, all the while on the trail of… Something (FaeLily). But the tension is growing between them, and they’re still not communicating very well either (also poverty, because poverty sucks, also I’m really down for the HC that Severus owes Lucius money for a loan he took for his Mastery from TAB). Then Remus & Sev finally stumble into some misadventure, expecting to find a thief or another wizard criminal or Plot involving their friend’s corpse for a ritual of some kind or worse.

But then they come face to face with FaeLily, who doesn’t know who the fuck-diddley they are, alive. What a twist~

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*✲ﾟ*｡⋆

That’s very interesting esp with the inclusion of Lily’s Fae father. I think Severus should fall in  just for the horror of thinking he was lying on his dead best friend’s body but there’s nothing. Maybe the plot could have something to do with wizards trying to steal Fae magic to subjugate the world

[imanifbabyyy]

Change + Feels

sigh, ok 1. hi Tumblr. I’m sorry Ive been neglecting you but im back to vent and leave all my feels here. so bare with ya girl pls.

OK 2019 has been a wild fucking year, a long fucking year, a tiresome fucking year. im normally very advert towards change but this year God must of been like ‘OK KAREN, TIME TO CHANGE” and im literally still shaking in my damn boots. The changes include and or are not limited too... my relationship of about 5 years ended, I ended it. My apartment of two years that I loved I moved out of shit nearly got kicked out of but moved out. I lived in that apartment with my bf at the time and my cuz (you know black people cuz, which can be literally anyone, but non blood related). And me moving out ended my relationship with her basically (She's a scorpio, and I basically have no time for that kinda energy right now). More of my college friends moved to LA, stopped being friends with an female from college (also a scorpio and I can't).  Since moving out Ive moved in with my Newly married younger sister and her husband. Um I think that's mainly it. So the change was not only mentally but physically. which I think is why I always feel like I've been hit by a fucking bus. >.<. since I just complained a lot let me say im very grateful for my mother and father for basically being my main stance of support. they seriously have been my protection from me jumping off a damn bridge and I don't even think they know that. but this last year they saved me and I will be forever in debt to them and grateful. I did also have a few great friends who have listened to me bitch and complain about everything listed above so peace and blessings to them as well. 

Ok so im writing all this to say. Tomorrow if I get this job that came outta nowhere and is 3x what im currently making and will be in Miami and give me a chance to travel even if its a small chance will literally change my life. Not only will I be able to save but I will be able to pay off at least one of my damn student loans and go into my 30th year around the sun (next year 2020) more interesting and comfortable. Again, I know God has literally so many people to help but fuck im so grateful that he pulled my number and dropped this small blessing on me to make me see that all this change and all this heartbreak Ive been through these last 7 months will be worth it, and made me stronger for a reason.. for this moment. I was raised in the church but like many don't speak to God often but I believe I find my church in different ways and different aspects of my life. I do believe that God works in mysterious ways, and I’m always in awe of his handiwork. I also believe that this year of me removing myself from things/relationships that basically do nothing for myself was one of the best choices I have made. I mean lets be honest leaving any relationship is hard, I know its hard to be dumped but its also hard being the one who breaks up things. You're breaking up what has been comfortable for about 5 fucking years and I often feel guilt but I know if nothing changed NOTHING WOULD CHANGE. and Im so blessed to know that cause some women really don't.

So (if I get the job, and im being positive so lets say I get the job) tomorrow I will have to quit this job I've been at for 2 years which is also another relationship break up that I’m bring on. I’ve worked for this company and basically changed the whole structure. When I initially started in 2015 not 2005 my boss was still handwriting checks so we could take to the bank to deposit WTF. Ive googled and learned how to do inventory and work on the books, redid the whole inventory system, bought in a huge $30,000 that saved the skin off the companies back last year. And continually worked on a project that I didn't begin on from 3 years ago which went basically redoing all the paperwork and the books for that project. Only to be faced with my boss consistently telling me he has no money to pay me but asking me to do more and more. While he says he can't pay me he's paying my Male older white coworker whatever the fuck he wants basically. Im not sure if its because they are close in age, fucking 65 or cause ima WOC but bitch im fed up, BEEN FED UP! I was gritting and baring it for 2 years and crying in the parking lot before and after going into the office. There has been days where I seriously only said 3 words. But recently Diddy had the revolt summit at my job, a Black owned kinda weekend event for YBP(young black professionals) going into or into the music industry. My boss didn't even come into the office that day but the coworker called him and apparently told him that a black event was going on, while I washout of the room clearly. Then my boss feels like he should call me and request I do something that literally made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. He calls and says “If I was a 50 year old white women coming into the building today and see what's going on outside I would never come back” 0.0 Me being a YBP my damn self I almost threw up out of the sheer shock of racism, but also being not surprised since he is a 65 old white man from the south but WTF! he then proceeds to say we (the company) should send an email to our customers and apologize to them for the black event going on. When I tell you I felt all of my slave ancestors jump through my skin, only thing I could muster was an “OK yeah” and I hung up. in the end I turn to my coworker and tell him what just happened on the phone and I guess my face did all the talking but he vetoed it and then called my boss back to explain why but that's when I put  two and two together and realized he was the one who had said something to begin with. Literally since then I’ve seriously been not doing shit or in deep protest. I hate to be one of those black people that says racism doesn't happen to me b/c I went to an HBCU in a mainly white town so I know what it looks like but GOD DAMN! 

SOOOOO Im leaving even if tomorrow I will be deadass leaving this company in the fucking dust where I raised it from. After rereading all this I believe I should really find myself a therapist to vent to and not y'all every 5-7 years. but whew here we are. Ok lastly with the friends I spoke off before I have told them this and all these feelings and tonight I really felt like they werent there and kinda gave me sure harsh critizism and then joked it was only cause they don't want me to leave (with me quitting im leaving to go back east, with or without the Miami job) but it was still hurtful. Like damn bitch you couldn't fake and hold your selfish issues about me and my horrible job / situation. So me being annoyed and passive aggressive let it go and moved on but it hurt, shit it still hurts. Maybe im sensitive rn cause (niggas, work, and bitches) but damn. Ok ima sum this up because its getting long and scoff. but I SAY ALL THAT TO SAY: People will want you to break your back and give them your all when they say they will be there for you but also fake it just to keep you doing what you say you will but then let there selfish feelings get them to say hurtful shit. As a friend/ a sister/ a daughter I try my best to listen/ observe and be there for the fucking people in my life and most either boss company wise or “Friends” won't. So take it how you want but take it on your terms. 

Thank You,

Also this sounded a lot more consistent in my head ealier while I was smoking but now eh its a brain spill so proceed with caution. 

Peace & 7Blessings*