#childless by choice

[samwisethewitch]

Something I've been thinking about lately: In conversations about being intentionally child-free, I see a lot of people talk about how much they resent constantly being told that they'll change their minds someday. And yeah, that sucks. When you tell someone that they'll regret their choices or go back on them someday, you're telling them you don't trust them to make their own decisions. And that's a dick move.

But what I see left out of a lot of these conversations is the fact that some people do change their minds about kids, and that is also okay.

People change. Our priorities and our values change. Someone identifying as child-free at 20 and then realizing at 30 that they actually do want to be a parent doesn't invalidate other people's decision not to have kids. It doesn't even invalidate that person's previous decision. They're growing. They're changing, and that's okay. Healthy even.

When I was 18, I felt very strongly that I would never marry and never have children. For me, this was a reaction to growing up in a religious environment where women were second-class citizens, and what little autonomy/independence single women had immediately went away when they got married. And once you had kids? Well, once you had kids, your personal life was officially over and your identity now started and ended with being so-and-so's mother.

If your only model of marriage and parenthood is a nuclear family where the husband is in charge and makes all of the decisions while his wife does all of the housework and childcare and not much else, OF COURSE you wouldn't want to get married or have kids! My thought process at 18 was basically, "Well, I want to have my own money and make my own choices and have an identity outside of being a mom, so clearly the family life isn't for me."

I'm 25 now. I'm married. My husband and I both kept our own last names, and we maintain separate bank accounts. I have a job that I'm good at, and a lot of people know me from my work. I still have my own money, make my own choices, and have my own identity. None of that went away when I got married. All that's changed is that I have a partner and best friend that I decided to do life with, and we had a ceremony and signed a piece of paper to make it official. We're not quite at the having kids stage yet, but it is something we both want someday.

Me wanting marriage and kids now doesn't invalidate my decision at 18. When I was 18, focusing on my education and career was absolutely the right choice for me. I needed to be able to focus on myself without considering how it would affect a spouse or kids. Eventually, I realized marriage and parenthood can look a lot of different ways. I realized I can decide what they look like for me. I don't have to follow the model I grew up with. And I realized I do want raising kids to be part of my life, just in a way that looks different from what others might expect.

This is a process a lot of people go through, especially women and femmes. If you're in the middle of it right now, just know that you're allowed to change.

And of course, a lot of people don't change their minds. A lot of people who identify as child-free at 20 still don't want kids at 30, 40, or 50. I've met people in their 80s and 90s who never had kids and don't regret that decision. My point here is that some people changing their minds about something doesn't mean it's not a good option for other people.

(And, let's be real, unfortunately a lot of people go the other way: they think they want kids until they have them. That's way more complicated because now there's a whole human person involved who is dependent on them for care and this definitely deserves its own post, but the best advice I can give is if you're young, you need to give yourself time to figure out what you want before committing to anything.)

[howifeltabouthim]

You just have no idea how rich and wonderful parenthood can be. In fact, you haven't really lived until you've wrestled a shrieking four-year-old to the ground at Target.

Curtis Sittenfeld, from Eligible

[bruisedcollarbone]

[mandsleanan]

Anecdotally, the number of people who are childless has always been found to be around 20%. However in previous studies it was the number of adults living without children, and the childfree were simply folded into the childless or the ChildNotYet crowd.

This is limited to Michigan so results may vary, but this is the first study I recall that actually focused on childfree numbers.

[welcometololaland]

at least they sorta addressed the fact that it should’ve been done earlier😭

That's true, and we know (if we take the canon as canon which....I do with a large ocean's worth of salt) that Carlos has historically not been great with talking openly about difficult things. So I'm not saying it's totally OOC or that TK's reaction is unreasonable or anything like that.

I guess I'm just worried that a decision not to have kids is gonna be made out to be something that's easily changeable or not serious. Because almost every day of my life I get asked when I'm gonna have kids (even by people who know I don't want them) and it's disrespectful and rude and really insensitive. I don't ever ask people "hey, why did you decide to have kids??" like it's a weird choice. I don't tell people they're selfish for having kids. I just smile and cop the "who will look after you when you're old / you'll be so lonely / you're gonna regret it".

Anyway, I could be totally overcooking this because Carlos doesn't explicitly say in the clip that he never wants kids - it seems as if he's talking about the chance to enjoy his marriage first which is also very very reasonable! And not being ready to have kids at that specific moment is also very valid.

Guess I have to stop jumping at shadows and watch the ep but I'm feeling vulnerable lmao

[tsthrace]

I don't have kids...but I love my friends' children!

I live by myself...but I'm very social!

Guess what? You don't need the but!

You're allowed to not have kids. Even if you're in your 30s or 40s. In fact, you're allowed to not particularly enjoy kids if that's true for you. And even if you do adore your friends' kids, you don't need to stipulate that when telling someone you don't have any.

You're allowed to enjoy living by yourself. In fact, if not seeing people for weeks on end is life-giving for you, that's totally fine! And even if you are very social, you don't need to stipulate that when you tell people that you live alone.

Let's stop making people—including ourselves!—feel bad for not following traditional or prescribed scripts for life.

[mashupofmylife]

family group chat is currently debating the merits of different noisemaking stocking stuffers while my sister and her fiance vociferously veto each idea more than the last

[hanetsuketaakatombo]

Across Mary

They say it gives meaning to life, To beware of sand hitting The bottom of the hourglass. Closing my eyes I lean my back to it. In a dream I met an imposing statue of her. In a bare church, visiting with a friend who has a son of her own. Cold stone, hard and unforgiving Tilted, stepping aside I barely avoided the shatter - To protect a body That will only home One single heartbeat.

[legalgal421]

Glittery Relief

@schittscreekdrabbleblog word: Glitter

******

The glittery font stared back at him.

It’s a girl!

“Watcha looking at?” David’s voice brought him out of his reverie.

“Rachel’s daughter’s birth announcement.”

David sat down next to him at their kitchen table. “How’re you feeling about it?”

Patrick huffed out a laugh. “Relieved.”

“Relieved?” David asked.

“Relieved she moved on. Relieved it’s not me.”

David gestured at the baby girl with a bow on her head. “You don’t regret that this will never be you?”

Moving out of his chair and sinking to his knees, Patrick said, “No. Because then I couldn’t do this whenever I wanted.”

Now on AO3!

[theemmtropy]

Need everyone to understand that when I do nice things for kids it is not because I want kids, it is because I want to show them solidarity. Bc I remember what it was like being a kid, and I want them to know I respect them as people.

[androgynouscollectivekingdom]

[the-tipsy-tailor]

affinity spaces i wish my synagogue had:

mental illness

autisim

suicide survivors

choosing not to have kids

polyamory

asexuals

exogamous marriages/relationships

these are parts of my identity that even at my leftist, very queer, very trans synagogue still feel alienate me from my community.

i want to be able to talk to other people about the work of navigating these things in a jewish context. especially during the High Holidays. especially since they concern important mitzvot. i'm struggling lately, feeling inadequate.

(if these spaces exist online i'd love to hear about it)

[bruisedcollarbone]

[mandsleanan]

Article behind paywall, text under cut.

The child-free movement is growing across the UK, with an increasing number of online communities dedicated to celebrating and supporting those without children. Laura*, a 34-year-old mother of two children (aged nine months, and two-and-a-half), tells i she wishes she could go back in time and resist the pressure she felt to become a mother.

"The idea of my two kids not existing is traumatic, as I do love them very much, but if there was some sort of time machine that would also erase my knowledge of them, I would absolutely go child-free.

I was always on the fence when it came to having kids, and I used to say I’d be child-free. Yet I also felt the pressure of everyone telling me I’d change my mind, that I’d be so glad I’d have children. I wish someone who had regretted having kids had actually told me what their experience was like.

Everyone talks about this incredible love you’ll feel for your kids. My mother said: “you won’t know what love is until you have kids”, how it’s “hard work but worth it”, and that having kids will bring your life meaning. I’m sure this is true for some people, but I have never felt this way.

I love my kids, yes, and will do anything for them, but is it this all-consuming love that feels like nothing I’ve known before? Has it brought my life this new meaning? No. In fact, I feel like it’s stripped away all the other things in my life that gave it meaning, and now there is only one purpose, it feels, which is to be in service to my children.

I wish I had known that not everyone will love being a parent, and that it is very common for parents to regret having kids. I wish I had known just how extreme the impact on my life would be. Everything that made my life what it was, has been burnt into ash.

I feel endless guilt for knowing the answer to the question: “If you would go back in time, would you change your mind about kids?” These feelings of regret I have make me feel alone in my day-to-day life, in terms of chatting to my friends and family.

It seems like it’s this unimaginable taboo to talk about regret, so everyone gives you the Instagram version of their lives, or they add humour to any negative comments. Online in a “regretful parents” group it’s a different story. There is finally a space where I feel validated by other regretful parents, and no longer feel alone. It makes me wonder whether so many other people (especially women) are walking around in silence feeling the way I do.

I worry that if I tell anyone in my family or friendship group how I feel, they will think I’m unhinged and unfit to be a parent. I find myself telling them glossed-over stories about how wonderful my kids are.

While they are lovely little humans, I think the gloss I add is about how “fulfilled” it makes me, which is kind of the opposite of how I feel. So if I’m feeling this way, surely others are too. Maybe there’s a fear that if we voice these feelings out loud, the regret suddenly then becomes real and we have to deal with those consequences and fall-out.

I wish I listened to myself when I was younger, and not other people. I mourn the life I could have had.

[rumblebumble22]

Why I don’t want children

The first answer is ‘’Why should I?’’ I mean, we don’t live anymore in a patriarchal society and can choose what we like to do. Children are a choice, not an obligation. When I ask myself ‘’Do I want children?'' I always know that I am not. 

Actually, I never wanted them and I don’t need to make up some excuses for that. I noticed there are a lot of women today who say things like ‘’I don’t want children because I like to travel’’ or ‘’I don’t want to be a mom because the Earth is already overpopulated’’. These things might sound arrogant or altruistic, but they are just excuses. 

Why should we justify our choice? Why mothers never justify themselves for their choice to give birth? I think it’s quite weird, actually. Nobody asked parents why they made such a decision, whereas childfree people constantly struggle with judging. 

I don’t want children just because I don’t want them, point. I don’t need to explain to anyone my decision. If you have an opinion about my life choice, it will be better if you keep it to yourself. Believe me, there is no childfree person on the planet who is really interested in your comments and questions. 

I know there are many women who made a choice not to be a mom early in their life, even when they were children. It’s just a feeling that cannot be explained by the impact of society, education and so on. We know we don’t want it, and that’s all. It’s like realising that your eyes are green or you like to walk.

The childfree lifestyle also gives a lot of freedom, but these are all benefits which I discovered later after I made my choice. I never actually tried to choose between motherhood and childfree, because I always knew I’m not mom material. Nevertheless, it's interesting to consider your advantages over mothers. I have freedom to travel, save money and do things which I like. Writing, reading, walking, partying — all these would not be possible if I had a baby. Children are expensive to raise and you always should put them first, no matter how tired you are or how terrible you feel. 

Today, motherhood has become a sacred thing, something people admire, but at the same time terror. It’s impossible to be a perfect mom, but our society believes that all moms should be that way. They must care about their child and at the same time have time for themselves. They must be maternal and at the same time sexy. They should deal with their home chores and at the same time build successful careers. However, it's impossible, until you have a team of nannies and servants, which only a small percentage of women can afford. 

Motherhood is challenging, and I’m happy I avoided it. I’m not interested in babies, pampers and all this stuff. I have always preferred to communicate with adults. When I imagine myself on a playground with a stroller, I shudder and my forehead becomes sweaty. Children are not a last thing which I want; they have never occurred to me as a reality in my life. 

In the end, we all choose what suits as best, but you really have to make your choice. Otherwise, there are always a lot of people who would like to give you advice about your vagina and the necessity to be a mom. When you don’t control your life, others often have a chance to sell you their image of happiness. And if you do not defend yourself, you will finally buy it, because the pressure will be too hard.

Which pressure? Aw, you absolutely know it.

‘’You are already 33, it’s time’’

‘’I also wasn't interested in having children until I had one of my own’’

‘’You will change your mind’’

‘’Who will care about you when you're old?’’

‘’You had a difficult childhood? Some traumas? Poor you''

‘’When you want a child, it will be too late’’

That’s kind of pressure what I’m talking about. So defend yourself, otherwise you just make a choice in your precious, unique and the only life not for you, but for them, these ‘’caring’ advisors.