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the-last-cuddlebender · 4 years

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So you just refuse canon and bumi and Kya were lying or were just dumb not to realize what was really happening and perfect dad aang didn’t favor tenzin so much and he wasn’t the special one who got all the trips and time with him and was the favorite and every air nation person didn’t revere him and his mother didn’t adore the baby of the family who gave her grandkids and youre right I had to look it up but pema was o n l y 16 years younger and a man doesn’t leave a long term partner to hook up right away with a girl if there wasn’t something going on before even if maybe they didn’t get close to f#cking or maybe it was the worshiping from her that he liked and it was enough even if he really didn’t have anything going on with her but for you tenzin is this perfect victim who never done anything wrong like aang and who only suffered by everyone else being mean and wasn’t loved enough for your liking but this is your hc and to be fair you can have any you want. Bumi was the oldest and he was a non bender that must have been crushing but he kept being a good person and loving his family. Kya was the middle child who was gay and who probably was a bit confused and a bit lost and still was the most caring person ever to anyone and was always willing to help and who even went to stay with her elderly mother. tenzin was the miracle child who got all his parents attention, an island and grow up to expect to be special and a leader who was rigid on his teaching and rules and was also sort of a shitty teacher who also treated a girlfriend/oldest friend like crap not because of the break up but how he did it. That’s all tenzin not just poor baby defenseless never done anything wrong tenzin but if that’s what you want I’m glad he isn’t as loved as you think he should be because with the bits we got his siblings are much more interesting and even better people

(I assume you’re referring to this post about a previous ask, and I’m happy to discuss)

Hi, anon! There’s considerably more for me to unpack here, so bear with me. I’ll try to keep my response contained to a few points:

some child (< age 12) psychology

Katara and Hakoda’s relationship

some pretty dang neat-o history facts that explain more than you think (because my diploma has to be worth something lmao)

(I’m trying to be concise, so if I sound short, please know that’s not my intention. I just wanna save this from becoming a novel. I also just burnt myself with NaNoWriMo, so it may kindof ramble idk)

To start, I don’t refuse the “canon” of the Kataang family, so take that as you will. I gave my argument completely within the lines of TLOK canon because I figured that was what you were after. And I can make an argument for something while not arguing against the opposition. A good argument should be able to validate itself. I never went after Bumi or Kya, and I never would. I love their characters to bits. I was focusing on Tenzin.

Nowhere in my previous post did I say that Tenzin is a ‘perfect victim’ who never did anything wrong. I’m discussing the reasons why I think his character should be explored and appreciated more. He is an extremely complex character just like the rest of the cast. To box him in as “the favored one” is narrow-sighted at best. He’s human. There’s more to him. He didn’t ask for his lot, but he makes of himself what he can with it, just like Bumi and Kya. He by no means had a cozy time (and he has the stress-lines to show it).

You say that Tenzin was “expect to be special and a leader.” That alone makes me want to know more about him and how he grew up with that weight on his shoulders. That kind of expectation can destroy a person. It’s very a-la the pressures of the first-born in a monarchy crumbling under the stresses of learning to rule. Tbh, I think that’s why Tenzin was written as the youngest, so that the cliché wouldn’t be as obvious.

I have NEVER said that Bumi and Kya were lying or were dumb. I was discussing kid-Tenzin and how/why kid-Bumi and kid-Kya perceived favoritism (all while remaining within the lines of TLOK canon, too). Perception isn’t a bad thing. It’s just someone’s interpretation of the world. Idk if you think there’s a negative connotation to the word, but there’s not. Person A can look at the sky and see the moon and Person B can look at the sky and see a void that makes them feel small and insignificant. It’s just a difference of perception. Just because they’re different doesn’t make one or the other inherently wrong. Different truths are more than capable of co-existing.

FIRSTLY, about Aang passing:

Kya wasn’t the only one to help Katara after Aang passed. Aang left a void in MANY ways, both as a family man and the Avatar. Bumi, being in the military, guarded the world in his stead. Tenzin took up the mantle in the City and on the island. Kya took on the emotional safety-net.

Katara was Aang’s best friend, partner, and second-in-command. She was just as renowned as him. I can imagine the world expecting her to shoulder his burdens in the wake of his passing. She was the Mighty Katara, after all.

ALL of her kids helped her through his passing, in their own way. Being a shoulder to cry on is just one facet, and all three kids helped her beautifully.

Some psychology:

I’ll explain why I think Bumi and Kya perceived favoritism (which every kid does, myself included. It’s natural and somewhat instinctive for siblings) as best as I can. I’m not a psych major by any means, but I can lay down what I know and remember from my classes.

I’m not saying favoritism doesn’t exist in families. I’m talking about family dynamics in situations where favoritism is subjective because it objectively isn’t there. (Others might define favoritism differently, I suppose. But these are my thoughts)

Children (again, I’m talking <12 here) perceive the world differently than adults. They have incredible imaginations and a pretty tame survival instinct. Give a kid one of those mind-bender jigsaw puzzles, and they’ll have a higher chance of success solving it because their minds haven’t grown enough to be constrained by reality. They’re mad geniuses who haven’t been developed enough to be closed off from the possibilities. That’s what makes childhood so precious.

That’s why even Gyatso wanted to wait until Aang was older to learn he was the Avatar. You have to let the mind grow and fall and dust itself off before you fence it in. This doesn’t discredit or underestimate kids, either. They are extremely capable. I’m just talking about their lesser known psychology.

“Developed” is also a word that doesn’t have negative connotation here. I’m speaking clinically. Some cognitive and executive brain functions aren’t developed until 25. It doesn’t devalue ability or understanding. It’s just a word.

Kids internalize things differently than adults, especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Perceived favoritism among siblings (in situations where there objectively isn’t favoritism, of course) is a classic example. Kids need only be a few years apart for this to be seen. If a two-year-old gets a younger sibling, they can regress to breastfeeding because of the perceived favoritism they see being given to the youngest. Mom isn’t going to let the other kid starve, but the kid doesn’t know that.

This isn’t just in infants, though. And as it can be seen with the Kataang kids (they were all kids when Tenzin went on the trips with Aang, and kid-Tenzin is my focus here): Bumi and Kya don’t ‘know’ that Aang is saving time for them, too, when he isn’t there. All they see is Dad gone with Tenzin and leaving them behind. And by ‘know’, I don’t mean to insult their intelligence. They comprehend why, but their instincts don’t. Siblings have a lot of strange instincts, not just Cain Instinct. Object permanence is critical until critical and abstract thinking are properly developed. Before then, it’s a “I believe what I can see” mindset (in the simplest terms...I don’t wanna wax eloquent about the nuances of it rn. I can see people taking this as me discrediting kids, but I’m not. I’m just trying to explain the Point B missing between Points A and C presented in the show).

Katara:

Children don’t start developing abstract thinking until about age 12. It’s part of their cognitive development. That’s when they start developing critical thinking (and scientific method and etc.) and the understanding of relationships between verbal and nonverbal ideas. Before then, seeing dad take their youngest sibling on field trips would 100% feel unfair, no matter how the situation would be explained to them. They literally can’t understand it.

***Katara: If you want an example, look no further than when Katara confronts Hakoda in The Awakening. Katara knew Hakoda had to go when he did (2 years before the show, by the way, making her 12). She really, really does understand, even when she’s older. But it still hurts, and she doesn’t know why. That’s because the damage has been done. She perceived his leaving differently when she was younger and it internalized differently as a result. She feels a little abandoned even though she knows Hakoda didn’t and why he had to go. Its affects don’t go away, though (as seen in the invasion).

I never said that Kya’s and Bumi’s feelings would go away or were untrue to begin with. It was real to them, and that’s all that matters, just like Katara’s feelings being real to her is all that matters. Hakoda understands that. Aang would, too.

Is that Aang’s fault? It depends on what your definition of a good dad is and whether or not you give him room to make mistakes. Personally, I think he’s a great dad to all three of his children, even in the canon of TLOK. He just isn’t given a proper analysis in the show.

Time spent together does not equal time spent loved. Otherwise, school teachers would be more of a parent(s) to a kid than their actual parents.

The acolytes:

The acolytes of The Southern Air Temple being all “Avatar Aang had more kids?” and completely side-lining Kya and Bumi is not in any way a testament of Aang’s or Katara’s characters. That’s the acolytes’ characters. Aang and Katara have no control over what the acolytes do/do not want to believe or think, no matter how many times they would have corrected them. They fangirl over the airbenders in the scene you’re referring to. Even the fangirls in the comics completely side-lined Katara as Aang’s “first girlfriend.” Their behavior in TLOK never surprised me.

Teacher!Tenzin:

Tenzin being a poor teacher was a good thing. It meant he could grow with his equally-poor student so they would become something better together, as mentor and pupil. I found that idea for growth to be pretty darn cool.

Devaluing the opposition:

“The bits that we got his siblings are much more interesting and even better people” objectively, sure, I could agree, but if I met an interesting and awesome person for a short window of time, I wouldn’t believe they were interesting and awesome 100% of the time. Bits of a person do not define their character. Every person has a capacity for just as much good as evil—it’s a variable that stretches equally in either direction.

*********************************************************************

History-fun-time with the-last-cuddlebender woohoooooo

(a.k.a. I’ll address my thoughts on the “Tenzin being given the temple” and Tenzin-Pema situations, as you’ve presented them, as delicately and concisely as I can)

Importance of different generations:

If we go on the theory that TLOK mirrors more than just the industrial shifts of the real-world at the turn of the 20th c., then the age difference between Tenzin and Pema isn’t abnormal. (It wouldn’t be abnormal until even the early 1990s.) I have to use some anecdote to explain this, so bear with me:

Their age gap is strange to us because we’re used to things progressing so quickly. History as it’ll be written about the generations from the mid-90s onward will be very, very tricky. Generations now-a-days aren’t as easily defined because of the colossal leaps in technology from the past twenty or so years.

Loosely, a generation is a group of people defined by relatively the same “changes” that happened in their lifetime (or whose effects affected their early development). There have been way too many changes in technology (which we know has a much stronger effect on a person’s early development now than ever before) in recent decades for that formula to hold up anymore, otherwise there would be a new generation every 4 years.

An age gap like Tenzin’s and Pema’s feels so much stranger to us because our generations are so tightly layered. 4 years could mean a world’s difference when, back then (and I explain what I mean by “back then” further down), it didn’t change much on the dating scene. Life was more or less the same as they both grew up. It was far slower to change. And everyone in TLOK was growing up in the void of post-war for several decades. The technology jump didn’t (arguably) happen until just before Asami (if still holding up the comparison to modern day), so an age gap even in-universe wouldn’t be abnormal at the time they were dating.

(Even my parents got married at almost the exact same ages as Tenzin and Pema, the only difference being that my mom was 26 not 25. Most people I know are in the same boat. It’s just a generational disconnect)

Kya, Bumi, and Katara weren’t kicked out so Tenzin could be “given” the island (needs time period explanation):

I know TLOK says it got its inspiration from the 1920′s (the inspirations are there), but, if I were to date it, I would say that it’s moreso set in the mid 40′s-ish. (Kuvira ESPECIALLY reminds me of a not-as-known-as-they-should-be person from that time).

Among others, the size of the radios and Tenzin/Pema sleeping in one bed are some easy hints to me about TLOK being set in the mid-40s (if we’re using New York City as the template for Republic City).

Even in the time of FDR’s earliest Fireside Chats, the radios were monsters that had to be kept in the corner of the living room. Towards the mid-40′s, commercial radios were becoming compact, and the radios in TLOK are pretty darn small.

The Cathedral Radio used in TLOK wasn’t created in mass in the real world until 1933, and people didn’t have the means or money to replace their massive radios with smaller ones until (arguably) after the New Deal (1933-1939). Thus, I say the 40s.

Tenzin/Pema sleeping in the same bed also supports this time period because it wasn’t uncommon for couples to sleep in separate beds leading up into the “I Love Lucy” era of the 50s (the separate beds were for too many reasons to talk about here because they were a fad--for even medical reasons--for about a century).

^^^setting the time period is needed to prove why I think Kya and Bumi left of their own volition, why they would do it, and why it was actually quite normal

Kya and Bumi weren’t kicked out of the temple. In real life, it was a trend up until the mid-40s for families to stay in the familial home, some even long after marriage. After that, however, multiple factors encouraged the want and fostered the need for young adults to leave their home as soon as 18. Kya and Bumi would be influenced just the same given the parallels with the time period.

Not all families did. The big (mostly industrial) cities were the first to do this. TLOK mirrors this with Bolin and Mako’s family staying together.

Republic City, like New York City, was years ahead of these kinds of changes, so they started the one-bed shift and kids leaving the home just before the 50s. (This isn’t to disregard the cultural influences bellying the four nations. I know that familial homes are a characteristic common to Asian cultures since the US is more oft to sending elderly into nursing homes and such--and I’m having a blast learning about Asian culture since my specialty in college was medicine in Europe and the West--, but, here, I’m working on the assumption that the world in TLOK is migrating towards a Republic City standard, and the comics seemed to be hinting at that from as soon as just after the war, not to mention in TLOK.)

Again, kids leaving the home at the age of 18 is a very new thing that’s pretty specific to the US (in the time the trend first started) because of the new opportunities that were so suddenly afforded to younger people post-war. These opportunities were in all areas of life, not just economic (economic arguably being the least contributing factor imo), but that’s a historical essay for another time.

My point is, kids leaving the familial home began as a choice in a post-war (100-year war, in TLOK’s case) world that encouraged them to do so.

Bumi and Kya were not kicked out so Tenzin could be “given” Air Temple Island. Bumi joined the military, and Kya traveled the world. They CHOSE to leave because there was opportunity to do so (that hadn’t been there for 100 years). They wanted to find their own destinies (and be the nomads they were born as...I always found it to be a great irony that Tenzin, being the poster-child to carry the legacy of the Air Nomads, never really got the chance to be a nomad. It’s sad, really, and potentially another reason why Aang took him on one-on-one trips since he knew Tenzin would be stuck with his legacy?).

Katara (again): As for Katara leaving the island, I believe that, among other reasons, Katara left Republic City because the light pollution made it difficult to see the stars she had grown up with. In real life, the Milky Way used to be visible to the naked eye everywhere in the world, and I think that change would be reflected in TLOK by default. Katara would probably find comfort in something as consistent as the stars and the Aurora lights in her old age. Plus, the city was probably too loud for her, and snow muffles sound pretty darn well.

TO BE CLEAR: This is not a justification. This is an explanation. I’m taking no “side”, here, because I’m not invalidating the opposition to validate my own. These are just my thoughts for how I see Point A becoming Point C in a way that keeps in line with TLOK canon.

*********************************************************************

Final thoughts:

You and I “perceive” Tenzin and his family differently, anon, and that’s okay. That’s just our interpretations of the show. I’m not calling for Bumi and Kya to be torn down so Tenzin can be uplifted. I’m talking about Tenzin (kid-Tenzin) in particular. His character is his character, and his value shouldn’t have to proven by devaluing Kya and Bumi. Likewise, Kya’s and Bumi’s value shouldn’t have to be proven by devaluing Tenzin. Just because they’re “more interesting” than Tenzin doesn’t make them interesting people (meaning that line of logic is flawed. i.e. lesser evil isn’t good because it’s lesser; it’s still evil. They should be interesting if the comparison is taken away, and they absolutely are and for their own reasons). Their characters should able to stand in an isolated argument, and they absolutely do, make no mistake. I love them to pieces, and nothing I’ve said about Bumi and Kya has made them inferior. I love them to death and have written more about them than Tenzin. It wasn’t until I started thinking about Tenzin that I realized his potential.

Tenzin, Kya, and Bumi were never “given” anything, and I doubt they would ever want it to be. They all had it rough, and they all deserve love. Bumi fought for a name in the military. Kya carved out her place in the world. Tenzin dug in his roots and planted the seeds for a garden he thought he wouldn’t be alive to see grow.

Me believing Tenzin should be appreciated more does not mean I believe Kya and Bumi should be appreciated less.

...just like Aang giving Tenzin one-on-one attention does not mean he didn’t give Kya and Bumi one-on-one attention, too:)

Again, this isn’t an attack on any character, person, or fandom! I’m not a psych expert, either, and I apologize if it sounds like I’m delegitimizing kids and their experiences. I’m trying to do the opposite. I can go more into detail about Kya and Bumi, but this post is a novel already and I'm too burnt out to add more.

I’m just trying to give Tenzin as much love as Kya and Bumi🥰 I love all the cloud babies equally (as I should😤), and I wanted to toss out my two cents for discussion because I don’t see the cloud babies being loved equally in fandom (kindof ironic)

If there is some hidden childhood!tenzin content please hmu I beg🥺

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ladyofpurple · 5 years

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here it is: the post Literally no one was waiting for. i'd put it under a read more thing but i'm on mobile and can't be assed to get out of bed so fuck it. we air our dirty laundry on main for the world to see like men.

so waaay back in february or something, i started seeing a psychologist again. i'd been seeing a psychologist for a while last year, but she had a private practice and got too expensive over time, so i had to stop. now, however, i finally got a referral to the public mental health offices in my county. which is nice, because norway has this neat thing that means when you go to the doctor, public health care facilities, refill prescriptions for medications you have to take daily, etc, the money you spend on those things gets recorded and after you've spent like $260, you get a free card that gets logged into your medical records and you don't have to pay for any of those things for the rest of the year.

anyway, i mentioned a couple of years back that i finally got put on antidepressants for the first time. they helped a lot, but then i just... stopped taking them. there wasn't a reason, really. i just forgot to take them one week when i was stuck in bed with a headcold, and then it was hard to get back in the habit again. i tried to get back on them off and on for a long time, but i'd inevitably just forget again. until, like, i wanna say november/early december last year? i started taking them again. there were still some slip-ups every now and then, but for the most part i took them almost every day. any gaps were no longer than two, maybe three days at the most, and those gaps were maybe once a month or so on average. averages aren't really useful in this context, but i hope you get the idea.

anyway, i finally convinced my doctor that, no, seriously, i really need to see a psychologist, i've always needed to see psychologists my whole life, seeing psychologists help me, i can't afford a private psychologist so i need a public one, and after a lot of begging and insisting on my end and a lot of hemming and hawing on her end she finally agreed to refer me. except she forgot to actually send the email she'd been typing in front of me, and then she quit, so there was a lot of confusion and time spent sorting things out until i got my first appointment.

i didn't like my psychologist at first. she was way older than i'm usually comfortable with (that's a personal me-problem that i know is irrational, and i'm not gonna go into the why but yes i'm working on it), and very blunt in an exasperated sort of way. she made me angry sometimes. she made me feel like i wasn't trying hard enough. but she helped me get shit done, so i guess she was doing something right.

in june she called in a psychiatrist to help adjust my medications, so i started taking zoloft in addition to the other medication (remeron, aka mirtazapine) that i was already taking. the mirtazapine was helping with my depression, but my anxiety was still pretty bad. the zoloft helped.

by my second appointment with my psychologist, she asked me whether i could have adhd, or if there was a history of it in my family. now, i have a lot of family with adhd (how closely related we are by blood is a bit of a mystery to me, my family tree is more like an overgrown hedge and who knows who fits where), and my grandma used to joke that the women in our family "all have a little bit of that adhd brain in us", but as far as i knew, nobody in my immediate, direct bloodline had such a diagnosis. i had my suspicions about myself, of course — i knew that not every focus or attention related problem necessarily has a specific attention disorder source, but i also knew that what i was experiencing couldn't be "normal," in the sense that if i walked into a room with 100 people in it, 86 of those people wouldn't necessarily look at a list of my symptoms and go "oh same hat." i've had add on my about me for a while now. maybe that was silly of me; i hadn't been diagnosed with it, and what i knew about the specifics of it were picked up piecemeal off the internet. you know, that super-reliable place where everyone is honest and factual all the time?

anyway, this began the process of investigating the merits of such a potential diagnosis. research was begun. questionnaires were taken. my mom was invited to one of my sessions, in which she revealed that, oh yeah, bee tee dubs, she's always suspected i have adhd. did she mention that she has also apparently always suspected ocd and that i'm autistic? no? whoops, well, she has now.

end of june i was referred to the neuropsychologist devision of the public health care place. over the course of a little over 6 weeks i went in for 2 interviews, in which i answered several questionnaires, talked about my life and childhood and traumas and what my mom had told me about her pregnancy and labor, every possible symptom i'd ever had, and was sent home with even *more* questionnaries. in addition to these, i went in for two rounds of "testing," in which i was tested on my memory, pattern recognition, reaction time, impulse control, and probably a dozen other things. i was nervous. it was exhausting. i wanted answers but was terrified of what those answers would be.

end of august, my mom came with me for the big reveal. and guess what? she was right. primary diagnosis: adhd, special emphasis on the attention deficit part. bonus diagnosis: asperger syndrome. surprise! i'm autistic, i guess.

it was hard to come to terms with. which sounds really silly, since i wouldn't have even been taking those tests if i didn't think the outcome was a possibility. and it's not like the diagnoses were surprising either. the adhd part was easier to accept, mostly because i already felt pretty confident i had it. but the asperger diagnosis was harder. having to unlearn all those ingrained ableist stereotypes and social stigmas is hard, especially when you had some you didn't even realize were there. it's very surreal to think a thought and be like "no, wait, i do that. that joke is about me." it's a very surreal and slightly upsetting experience to realize how biased you are as general rule, but especially about a facet of your own identity you weren't aware of. and the feeling of everything and nothing changing all at once. i've always been like this. a doctor telling me i have two cognitive/developmental disabilities isn't an event that magically gave me these disabilities. my brain has always worked like this. the only difference between me now and me a year ago is that i have an official, medical reason for Why now.

that's another thing: coming to terms with the idea of being "developmentally disabled." it's not like i'm suddenly a different person — i have to constantly remind myself that my brain has always been like this. but having a piece of paper confirming that i am legally entitled to special allowances in the workplace or at school because i have not one, but two "disabilities" is absolutely buckwild to me.

it makes me reevaluate my life and my past. how many situations did i make worse because i did not have the capacity or knowledge about how my own brain works to self-reflect? was i high-functioning in the past because life was simpler? was it because i subconsciously had a better handle on what works for me and what doesn't, and somewhere along the way i lost that? or was it simply because i didn't have the option to be anything other than high-functioning? it's confusing.

i also lost my spot at college. i can still reapply next year if i want, but at least now i know why i was failing out lmao

anyway, by my birthday in september we started the process of adjusting my medication again. upping my zoloft, getting me off remeron, and as of 6 weeks ago or so, beginning ritalin.

it was a rocky start, but i'm up to 60mg now. two pills in the morning, one in the afternoon. i have a goddamn alarm for 8am every day, even weekends. my sleeping is still wonky, but at least im genuinely tired by 8pm every night. the psychiatrist still wants me to try melatonin for a month (even though i told her multiple times it has never worked for me, and my problem has never been "i'm not sleepy enough"), so i'm on a whopping 2mg of melatonin for the next 30 days. norwegians are fucking WEIRD about melatonin, don't even get me started.

a slightly unexpected side-effect (on my end) of these medication changes: remeron made me gain weight. like, a lot of weight. and i was constantly hungry all the time, overeating to ridiculous amounts. why did nobody ever tell me that weight gain and metabolism changes are a side-effect of anti-depressants? i was more active this summer than i'd been in, like, three years and i just got fatter. which was incomvenient because i kept outgrowing my clothes. anyway, a side effect of ritalin is a loss of appetite and general weight loss. the combination of regularly taking ritalin and dropping remeron entirely? i eat a fraction of what i used to before, i've almost entirely stopped snacking, and i've lost 15 lbs in less than a month. i've already noticed my face is slightly slimmer now. maybe by christmas i'll be able to fit into my old tshirts again.

anyway, my psychologist quit, so i have a new one now. i've only seen her a few times, but she's veeeery different from my old one. i can't decide if i like her or not.

in the middle of all this, i've been going to the social security office as well to kind of get some of my own money, possibly help me get a job at some point in the future. my caseworker is super nice. if she's over 30 i'd be shocked. i relate to her really well, she's very helpful and understanding, and she's very patient with me and my bullshit. she's the kind of person where if we met at a party or something we could probably hang out.

anyway, she's helped me get out of the house sometimes. she introduced me to this youth club volunteer group thing called the fountain house, designed for young people who've dealt with or are currently dealing with mental illnesses and such. i hung out there yesterday and the day before and did some basic office work. it's nice. and then there's a work placement place that can either give you a job on site in one of their four departments, or help you get a job at an actual business elsewhere with more support and leniency than you might get if they just hired you off the street. i'd start in their second hand store. they clean and restore all donations they recieve, and they're super fucking cheap. i treated myself to my literal lifelong dream of owning a vintage typewriter (!!!!!) yesterday, because it's almost christmas and goddammit, i've been doing so much shit the past couple of months i deserve it. do i have space for it? not really. do i have a plan on what to use it for? no. was it heavy and miserable trekking through the snow and rain yesterday back and forth? was it worth the backache in the morning? fuck yeah it was.

a fucking lot of things are happening all at once. diagnoses, medications, lifestyle changes, work placement, social clubs, dealing with bureaucracies on all sides just so i can feel like a person again, not to mention juggling hobbies like writing and drawing and maintaining my irl friendships. i'm getting as many balls rolling as i can while i have the opportunity and mental/emotional capacity to, but i'm worried i'll burn out again. i'm stabilizing and slowly building my life back up, but jesus christ it would suck if this stupid house of cards collapsed again. but i'm tentatively optimistic. who knows, maybe it's not to late to course-correct my mistakes.

so long story short, that's why i've barely been active on tumblr for months. that's why i haven't been writing, drawing, or reading fic. it's coming along, but it's slow.

i guess the most important thing is that it's coming along at all.

#the tmi nobody asked for and will probably never read — you're welcome #Lady of Purple's slice of life #mental illness #medication #adhd #autism #personal

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eggcheeseham · 6 years

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Mask of Evil and Shadows

[edit 11/2: didn’t realise that shido is actually a last name lmao i fucked up so bad until someone pointed it out. its fixed now]

(i hate the title i know)

ShuAke Confidant Week Day 3: Neglect | Rejection | Death

tw for implied sexual assault

read on ao3 heh

...

If there is one good thing about being a four year old boy that plays with his action figures all day, it's that no one can notice the sudden change of behaviour from one second to the next. No one, not even your own father knows that while you gaze at him with large, innocent eyes, that you have plans to exterminate him.

Goro has been fantasizing of the many ways to kill him, every night it seems.

No matter what, he could never figure out how many rooms there were in the mansion.

The hill behind the mansion is like a large forest, and in the garden there is a large pond filled with carp. The forest is wild and unattended, akin to a stone wall that separates the estate from the outside world. Usually carp live to a ripe age, but for some reason on the estate they never last long.

Apart from the young servant girls, there is the head maid, Hikara, a middle aged woman who's eyebrows were eternally furrowed. At first Goro thought that she is his mother, but she tells him that his real mother had died years ago. He doesn't know her name or how she looks like; Hikara never answers his questions regarding his mother. He has a friend, a boy his age. Akira Kurusu, a cheeky and playful classmate that he met in the local elementary school they attend. Normally he would expect to be enrolled in a private school like other wealthy kids, but his father would have none of that. You need to interact with people from all forms of society, he explains to him (most of his schooling is covered by three tutors. There’s only one tutor that he remotely cares about, the one that would occasionally give him candy as a reward for answering difficult questions). But as a boy that lives in an obscenely large house that's no good at anything but studying, he could not fit in with his classmates. While he does make an effort to hide his depression with a tilt of his head accompanying a coy smile, he finds himself unable to make friends. No one except Akira pays him any attention. The fool waves his stubby hands at his direction and pats the empty seat next to him during recess one day, and that's how they click off. The boy might have felt sorry for him at first and probably initiated a friendship out of pity, but he finds himself unable to care. There's one person that's willing to play with him and that's all that matters. Goro invites him to his estate from time to time. Akira's parents don't mind (they don't really care). He brings his pathetic collection of Featherman action figures--he only has the red and green one and they were both bought from the dollar store--to play with him. Goro would bring out his more expensive action figures and he would share them with his friend, making up all sorts of scenarios and wave around their toys while making their own customised sound effects. When they get bored of playing, they would swipe snacks from the kitchen and eat them in his room. Raised to clean up after himself, Akira would clean up the crumbs of their snacks with the small broom and dustpan Goro kept in his room. I'm not a slob, he would say whenever Goro tells Akira to leave the cleaning to him. The estate driver would drive him home when night fell, and Akira would wave at him through the tinted window of the car, even well after it drives out of the gate.

The room to which Goro is called to is large, with a huge flat screen television, a long table and a deep red carpet. Here is where his father dines alone, insisting that his son eat his meals with the servants. There is no answer to his knock, so he opens the door as quietly as he can. Shido is seated on one of the six dining chairs, his face blank and his current mood unreadable. This time too he smells of alcohol, and it occurs to Goro that he usually doesn't drink that much. "Now, I'm going to tell you something important, so you better listen up. "About your education. Not that I hold any high hopes of you. Tell me, have you heard of the nursery rhyme of Mary had a Little Lamb?" Which child hasn't. In school, the teachers would gather everyone to the centre of the classroom and sing the lyrics out of tune along with the children who also sang equally shrill and out of tune while holding hands (Akira would hold his hand since no one else dared to hold his, and he'd sing while swinging their linked arms left and right).

Mary had a little lamb Little lamb, little lamb And everywhere that Mary went The lamb was sure to go

"Don't you find it interesting that no matter how strong an individual thinks they are, in the end they all fall to mob mentality during times of crisis?" The news is showing a report on a school shooting in a remote area in Japan that he knew nothing about. The news anchor is reading out the number of deaths. "You should remember this. People are sheep. They are fragile during stressful events, so if one person has even a semblance of leadership, they'll listen. Even when they aren't thrust into a dangerous situation, they are lost without guidance. A society cannot function without some form of authority or other controlling systems. This is why anarchies don't last long." He is not wrong. There is one time where he and a group of students got separated during a field trip. Being the only one in the group that dared to ask for help from the strangers in the area, the others followed him around like lost puppies and held onto his every word, despite being the same children that threw erasers at him during class. "Just like sheep, they are easy to manipulate. Hold something in front of them and they'll follow. Knowing how to read people and using the right words helped me climb up the political ladder. Even if it means trampling over others and tarnishing their lives in the process. If I were considerate I wouldn't end up where I am today. It's a dog eat dog world out there, so don't expect to go far when you're concerned about hurting other people's feelings." He is still gazing at the screen with his back facing the boy. "With our current leaders, Japan's social state is in a sorry state. It is utterly weak and corrupt on the world stage, and I will not allow this to continue. However, I have come to light with cognitive psience and the possible existence of an alternate reality. This is a sign that I have been chosen by God to cleanse this rotten country. With my hand on the steering wheel I shall lead this country to greatness, and I'll crush anyone that stands in my way, even if it's you." He turns to Goro and gestures slightly with his fingers. He doesn't understand what he means, and the man points at his stickers. "Put those in the ashtray. Don't bring things like that into my room." Goro's legs is shaky and his heart is racing. He gingerly steps forward and places the bundle into the ashtray as instructed, and his father places his half-smoked cigarette on top of it. He doesn't snub it out, just rests it there, still smoldering. The surface of the paper scorches and catches fire. While it burns, he wonders whether he burned them because he thinks they are of value to the boy, or because the cheap sparkly material offends him. Despite what he thinks, those stickers were never important to him anyway, even if they were a gift from Akira. He just carries it around to look childish. Besides, he could always ask for another pack of stickers from him and he wouldn't mind in the slightest. "You're probably wondering why I'm telling you all this. One is that I'm exceedingly drunk. Two, you won't remember that this conversation ever took place. It'll all be hazy and mismatched, just like a dream. Now get out my sight." Obediently Goro left the room. His father is wrong, oh so terribly wrong. He has no control over his life as much as he thinks he does, and straight after that he thought of Akira.

His earliest memory is of his father. He is running across the hallways with one of the servant girls chasing him. The entire time he feels like he is walking on air, despite being on the verge of toppling over. Perhaps it's because he doesn't have full control of his legs as he'd just learnt to walk, or his line of sight got higher. He runs and runs and runs, away from the giggling girl who raises her arms out, ready to grab him the moment he slows down. He runs and runs until he runs into something akin to a stone pillar. Looking up, he sees the disgruntled face of his father. Without the slightest change of expression on his stony face, he sweeps the two year old Goro aside with his foot, as if it were a nuisance to even kick him.

After finishing elementary school, he and Akira enroll in the local middle school. Once again they are in the same class; he wonders if his father is behind this. By the time the school year starts, Akira is only slightly taller than he is. Akira is still studious and scores better than average, but never being able to beat Goro who ranks first in every single test and examination. He no longer stands out as much as he had when he was younger, becoming more reserved and only speaking whenever necessary. That didn't mean that he stopped making friends, having a sizeable number of acquaintances and good friends to talk to and share notes with. As always, schoolwork was the only good thing Goro was good at, so he wraps himself in jokes and frivolity. He learns to laugh at his peer's jokes and muck around with the kids sitting near him during classes, and the teacher had to tell him off on many an occasion. Goro doesn't remember the exact moment when he fell for him (perhaps it might have been when Akira got himself a pair of fake glasses to appear more unassuming). Every day his thoughts were filled with Akira, and their future. Marrying him, finding a job, he doesn't care what. If he wants to work he could, and if he wants to stay and home it was all right too. If they ever adopted children, he would want to give them what had been missing in his life. He would work hard and buy a nice house, preferably one with a seaside view. They'd go for walks on the beach, hand in hand as the children run ahead of them, kicking up sand and leaving footprints behind them, only for it to be lapped up by the waves before receding towards the sea. When they quarrel he would be the first to apologize, even if Akira were in the wrong he'd keep his mouth shut. Maybe he'd be the one to apologize. For him to marry Akira, however, he has to be good enough for him. He starts to take great pains in maintaining his neat appearance and coming up with stories to make him laugh. The darkness that brew in him that he stows away deep in his heart, which remains hidden by his depression, burst forth directly, obsessively, towards Akira.

Almost every night, he fantasizes about sleeping with him. If they were able to do it for real, he’d probably die of happiness right on the spot. To be able to see his body, to touch him all over, entering him. It would be a miracle, and it never occurred to him how adults obsess over sex until now.

Akira joins the volleyball club, so they leave school at different times, but he visits his estate more frequently than he did during elementary school. His entire happiness is right in front of him, yet he still couldn’t touch it. While it is trying, it is enough for a middle school boy like him. His thoughts are solely on Akira, to the almost exclusion of everything else.

“It must be nice being rich.” Akira says as they walk down the school hallway. It was one of those days that their timetables clashed, so they accompany each other on the walk to Goro’s home. Sometimes he forgets that Akira doesn’t live with him.

“No it’s not.”

“It must be. You can afford to buy anything you want. You have the entire Featherman collection while I only have knockoffs from the dollar store.”

He laughs, flashing a hint of white teeth. His laugh was akin to the tinkle of bells.

“Even so, it’s not like I earned it. It’s not impressive, not at all.”

It’s really not, when all the money is earned through shady and dishonest means, through the shattered hopes and dreams of others.

The raven looks pensive. He had to continue talking so he wouldn’t think he is being perverse.

“If I can really do something with myself and contribute to society, then that’s what I call impressive.”

“You’re so righteous, it makes me gag.” Akira says, though his sentence holds no vile intent.

On a Friday afternoon, Akira corners him after math class.

“You’re always staring at Ms Kazue. You like her, don’t you?”

Ms Kazue is their homeroom teacher. She always wears tight fitting clothes, so all (even that is debatable) the boys like her. Some of them even call her degrading names behind her back.

“No, I don’t stare. And I don’t like her. Why do you ask?”

“Kaori is upset. She thinks she can’t compete with Ms Kazue, and I heard her throw a fit in the bathroom.”

Akira looks at him with his usual blank stare.

“What are you on about?”

“I’m saying that she might have a crush on you. I’ve seen the way she looks at you. Maybe you should consider going out with her…?” He shrugs his shoulders.

Kaori is one of the quieter girls at their school who’s always writing. Once she drops her pencil case while it was still open, and Goro helps her pick up her stationary.

“No, I won’t.” He says firmly.

“Why? Do you like someone else?”

Akira continues to stare at him with unblinking eyes. His face, bathed in orange sunlight, is lovely. Yet he finds himself unable to face him properly.

“Because I-uhh… no…”

Goro is in a turmoil. He remembers the TV dramas the girls in school usually watch, where couples break up over misunderstandings that could’ve been resolved if it weren’t for ineffective communication. He hates those.

“I can’t go out with her because I like you.”

God, he’s so awkward. Akira is taken aback, including Goro as well for his straightforwardness, but he can’t take back his words.

“You don’t have to go out with me or anything. We can always wait till we’re older. So until then I hope that we can continue exactly the way we are.”

“Continue exactly the way we are? That’s impossible, you’re so brave.”

Akira sighs admirably. He says that if he truly likes him, he should kiss him. Goro is hesitant at first, but he can’t say no. This is what he wants after all.

They walk to a bench at the back of the school. After patiently waiting for a pair of students writing notes to leave, they kiss a little. It’s awkward, just like how first kisses usually are. Goro’s inexperienced hands rests at the small of his back, while Akira digs his fingers in his hair. Goro walks him out to the school gates before entering the car.

From a distance, it looks like a happy scene. And many years after, he looks back to the memory and thinks that maybe they were truly happy back then.

Many events transpire after that, far far away from them. A terrorist attack on a corporate bank in Shinjuku, and the employees of a fast food chain went on strike. But it didn’t matter to the two teenagers who pass the time in their own little world.

Many a night, Akira would stay over (as usual his parents couldn't care less, just as long as he returns in one piece). They turn on some music so the servants wouldn’t wonder why they are so quiet, and then they kiss. They spend hours in each other’s arms, tongues locking together in battles for dominance, touching each other while fully clothed. Goro thinks they are too young to be doing such things, but to hell what other people think.

Before long they manage to find the courage to undress. Naked under the bedsheets, they explore and map out each other’s bodies with their hands and tongues, full of curiosity and desire. They never go all the way since the reality of sex is overwhelming, but it’s enough for them. Smothering their cries with pillows, they come in each other’s hands. Akira would say that he feels good while gazing at him with glassy eyes and flushed cheeks. It drives Goro over the edge.

Akira tells him that they should have sex the following year. But to Goro, it didn’t matter whether or not they actually do it. With him by his side, he is happy enough.

Their nightly escapades comes to an abrupt halt. Akira stops accepting his invitations, always coming up with an excuse not to go. They are believable at first; after all he needs his space. However the excuse after next becomes even more bizarre and outlandish. When he runs out of excuses to use, he resorts to avoiding him.

Goro manages to corner him after his volleyball training session, demanding answers. Perhaps he may have come across as too harsh, because Akira starts to tremble. Dumbfounded, he has no idea what to do. Goro backs away a few steps and apologises over and over before hurriedly leaving the locker room, wondering what he has done wrong to scare Akira that badly. When he finally gets into his bed, he lays reviewing the past few nights for any faults in his behaviour, growing frustrated when he is unable to uncover anything unusual. The last night they had together had been the same as always, with Akira embracing him saying that he never wants to let him go, so why the sudden change? Whatever the reason, he has to know.

After an hour of tossing and turning in bed, he concludes that he can’t get any rest. So he takes a stroll around the mansion. The night is tranquil, with crickets chirping and leaves rustling in the wind. He wishes that Akira were here, holding his hand appreciating each other’s presence. He walks through the hall and back, careful not to wake the servants. For some reason he pauses outside his father’s room. He hears sounds coming from inside. Heart pounding, he quietly opens the door.

He wants to scream, but no sound came from his throat. The yellow light from the desk lamp shines on Akira’s stark naked body, while his revolting father sits on the bed, fully clothed. He beckons him to come closer and he does so, face averted. He grabs a bottle of whiskey and orders the boy to look at him, and he does so with a shudder.

Goro couldn’t move. He stands there, gaping at the horrific scene with his mouth open. He feels lightheaded and his knees go weak. But he has to overcome this terror and kill his father. He doesn’t know how, but he has to. With a sudden surge of hatred, he opens the door. Or he thinks he did. In reality, he continues to stand at the exact same spot, unable to tear his eyes away from the scenario unfolding in front of him, unable to do anything to stop it.

His father tells Akira that it is only for tonight, and he starts getting dressed. Goro comes to his senses and flees. He intends to run back to the safety of his room, but he manages to pluck his courage and wait for Akira instead. When they are away from earshot of his father, he approaches the raven.

“I saw.”

Akira stays still, not bothering to turn around and face him.

“What’s going on? Please tell me.”

It’s as if he were talking to himself.

“Father… he…”

Akira begins to weep. “I… don’t know, I don’t know…”

Goro leads him to his room where he wraps Akira with his blanket. His body looks tiny.

“He calls you into his room and makes you strip?”

“Mm.”

“What else?”

“I don’t know…” Akira starts sobbing violently. “I was doing my homework at home, when… when a few men dressed in black came to escort me here.” He takes a few deep breaths. “I thought… I thought you called for me, and I sensed it might be something important, s-so I followed them. I didn’t know, I didn’t know, I didn’t…”

Goro found himself having difficulty breathing.

“For now it’s just taking my clothes off. Who knows what he’ll do next. God, the way he looks at me… it's so ugly. I want to rip his face off.”

Akira curls himself into a ball and continues to cry. “I’m scared. I don’t know what to do. I can’t tell my parents, they don’t care. He said… he said…”

“Said what?”

“He said that he’ll show you hell on your fourteen birthday. And I will play an important part.”

His fourteenth birthday. Five months from now.

His father is planning to do something, and dreadfully they both know what. He is old, and he might hire someone. Maybe even a whole bunch of people, and he’s going to make his son watch it.

No, he absolutely cannot let it happen.

Goro looks at Akira directly at his eyes. “I won’t let that happen. Even if it means that I have to kill him.”

To murder someone is painfully easy. But the real challenge is: how to do it without getting caught?

As a child, Goro has always contemplated about murdering his father--he has fantasies about it for ages--but those thoughts are childish at best. Even though he is still thirteen, he has to come up with a detailed, viable plan.

His father has connections with the authorities; the police are wrapped around his fingers and the crimes he commits are hushed and never disclosed publicly. If he approaches them and tells them that his father is going to show him hell, they would take him into custody as a mentally disturbed minor. He could take a video of his scandalous act as evidence, and in the best case scenario Akira would be taken into custody. Perhaps he could be out of his father’s reach, and he might give up. Perhaps, but the likelihood of his plan succeeding was slim. It isn’t out of the realm of possibility that he might pull off an ingenious plan to get Akira (basically abduct him). For him it isn’t just to drag his son to hell, since he has already started to develop an obsession over Akira himself. His allowance is meager, far smaller than one might expect from a family like his. If they run, his father can easily track down two penniless teenagers.

As long as he is alive, they are both never out of danger, not unless he disappears off the face of the Earth.

Another plan is to poison him. It is hard to get ahold of poisons, but among the mushrooms that grew on the hills near the estate is a deadly variety called the East Asian death cap (he’s done his research). It will be tricky getting him to eat them since his father hates mushrooms. Even if he somehow adds them in his drink to make it look like suicide, there is no guarantee that the dose is lethal. If he receives immediate treatment, he will most likely survive. Even if he manages to succumb to food poisoning, his cause of death via poisoning would be reported, and the police would narrow down the suspects to the people in the household.

There is a hunting rifle in his room. Shooting him is quick and efficient, but he knows that he would be caught right away. He thinks of framing it as suicide by shooting him at an odd angle, making it seem like he shot himself on purpose, or maybe he can claim that he himself shot his father on accident while he was teaching him how to use the rifle. Nobody else except Akira knew of his murderous intent, so nobody would suspect him. Even if they did find him suspicious, he is only thirteen, they would just send him to a juvenile centre. In the eyes of the law a minor cannot commit a crime, and the very fact gives him courage. If he is unable find another suitable method, he’ll settle for the rifle.

Perhaps instead of killing him, he will leave him to die. Lock him up in the basement to starve to death and throw in the death caps for good measure. It’s the safest plan, but there were no basements in the estate that he knows of that are abandoned and unattended. How is he supposed to lure him to the basement when he has no business there in the first place? He could shove him in and quickly lock the door… no, that wouldn’t work.

All hope seems lost to the thirteen year old until the app appeared.

Goro is a quick learner. In the span of a month, he learns about the cognitive world, personas and the strange long nosed man that sits behind his desk with a wide grin.

He finally has a way to eliminate his father from his life. Their lives.

Is it always wrong to kill someone? Is it a crime to kill the person that causes you harm and the people closest to you? Weren’t they forced to break the rules to free themselves from the madman that he calls father? Society will say no. He is not the law; he has no say in how his father will be judged. Non-personeel cannot take the law into their own hands hands, much less a thirteen year old. His father should go through the system like every other criminal does, perhaps he will be reformed and change for the better. Maybe Goro himself is the evil one. This is what society will say.

To hell with society.

The most valuable thing in his life is not virtue or society, but Akira. He doesn’t care if it’s wrong to protect the one he loves more than the entire world. He’d scorch the earth, leaving trails of fire and destruction behind him if it meant keeping Akira safe.

The strange man chuckles, drumming his fingers on the mahogany desk.

“Fallen for him, haven’t you? That boy…”

His father’s voice is slurred. The room reeks of alcohol, to the point where Goro would gag.

“That’s not why I’m here. I just wish for a raise in my allowance.”

The old man scoffs. “Obviously you have, how trife. That doesn’t really matter. In two weeks time we’re going to my villa in Shizuoka to celebrate your fourteenth birthday. You, me and your dear friend of yours. His parents were more than happy to grant him permission to join us. Aren’t you excited?”

Without waiting for an answer, he gestures for him to leave. His head is in a whirl. For now, Akira is safe for two weeks. But time is running out. He has to continue infiltrating his palace, continue breaking down the security systems to reach his father’s shadow in the main assembly hall. The sooner he can get it over with the better.

Ever since, Goro begins visiting Akira at his house instead. His parents don’t really mind. That evening, Goro waits patiently for him to come home from volleyball practice. As soon as he sees him he begins to tear up. He asks for a kiss and the raven gives him one.

Standing in front of the oversized podium, he feels his insides churning violently. He is conscious of the weapon he carries in his hands, and the knowledge that if he fails here there would be no future for him or Akira. If he hesitates for a second, it might cost him his life. He will die here, but what will happen to Akira? Would his father continue on with his plans either way, knowing (or not knowing) that his son is dead? The thought almost makes him vomit.

His not-father glares at him from the podium, his expression blank. “So this is how it is.” He says softly.

A sharp pang of pain stabs his heart.

“How did a lowlife like you obtain such power…? Not that it matters. If you have a complaint, I’m willing to listen.”

He grins, parodying a caring politician.

“You really are my son. You’ve got what it takes to be a monster, because you can think of something like this. You aren’t a passive sheep like the populace. You’re willing to kill your own father.”

The boy is still unable to move. Loki whispers something in his ears, but he can’t make out what.

“Do you really think that everything will be okay after you’re done with me? That all this will lead to a ‘happily ever after’? I said I was going to show you hell, but this is the same anyway. Because you’re going to murder me, another human being.”

“No, you’re wrong.” Goro wonders when he got back his voice. “It’s not murder, I’m just…”

His not-father ignores him as though he is not worth listening to, and continues talking.

“Killing a person is crossing a critical line in this world. All creatures are hardwired not to kill each other; their instincts prevent them from doing so. Cannibalism only occurs extremely rarely under extreme, unusual circumstances. This has been the case since time immemorial. Killing someone by overcoming this instinct is defying the very code embedded in your DNA, of course the person who commits murder will start to fall apart. On an intellectual level, the guilt over killing another human is due to the stress of hiding the secret from the world, but as living creatures it’s simply the outward manifestation of the perversion of killing your own.

“You think that the weight of your actions will fade as time passes, but you’re so terribly mistaken. The guilt will always be there, and will be for the rest of your life. After spilling your first blood, you will never accept any warmth or beauty with a pure heart. Whenever something good happens, you’ll be confronted with the fact that you are a killer. When you feel joy in your life, you will also feel pain from knowing that you stole someone else’s. Especially a weak willed one such as yourself will not be able to take it. Whenever you feel happy, I’ll appear in your dreams as a reminder that you do not deserve such happiness. The image of me bleeding to death as you stab me in the chest with your weapon will always be there, at the back of your mind, coming forth to the surface to torment you. You’ll become warped, just like me.”

Somehow Goro feels that he is four years old again in his father’s study, holding a bundle of cheap stickers in his hand.

“But if I don’t, Akira…”

The shadow places both hands on the stand.

“That’s right. I will defile him in front of you. If you do not kill me I will absolutely do it. Even if you run to the police, nothing will change. You can’t stop me; I can’t even stop myself. I yearn for the sight of the boy being completely corrupted, while you watch in unrivaled horror.”

His blood runs cold, and he feels bile rising up his throat. He shakes his head.

“I’m not killing you,” he shouts, but his voice feels like a whisper. “I’m just protecting myself and Akira.”

His not-father dismisses him with a wave of his left hand. “I will allow you to choose between life or death one last time. Give in to my social reform and I’ll leave you and your boyfriend alone. I’ll even give you a sizable amount of my wealth for the two of you to live comfortably for the rest of your lives.”

“At the cost of Akira’s dignity? Go to hell!” Goro screams, and he feels Loki quivering with delight.

For a moment, none of them said a word. His not-father shakes his head slowly, clicking his tongue in disapproval. “It seems that you leave me with no choice but to eliminate you. A small leak will sink a great ship. Many great nations of the past has fallen to such lenience.” He grips his right fist tightly. “I will not make such incautious mistakes!”

The thunderous roar of clapping fills his ears, and the world shakes.

“What happened to you?”

“What?”

“You’re as pale as a sheet.”

He hadn’t realised how erratic his pulse is or how hard he is breathing. Akira grips his shoulders firmly but gently.

“And you’re sweating buckets. What’s wrong?”

Wrong? There is nothing wrong, not anymore. His father's shadow is dead, killed by his very blade and his palace reduced to nothing but shambles before being wiped out of existence. He will drop dead anytime soon.

“There's nothing to worry about. I got carried away, that's all.”

Akira raises an eyebrow. It takes time for him to process what he just said, and his eyes widen a little. “Goro, did you…”

“No.” His arms are still numb.

“But…”

“We’ve sorted things out. I talked to him, it looks like he bought himself a prostitute. He’s not going to bother you anymore.”

Goro is determined to not let him know the truth. Whether Akira believes him or not, he doesn’t say. He moves closer to him and asks for a kiss. He obliges. Under the warm light of Akira’s bedside lamp, he holds the raven close, sinking his fingers into his curls. He doesn’t remember when he pushes Akira down on the bed, or when they get undressed. His body is seized by a fierce desire, having eyes for no one but Akira.

Their first time is awkward, just like how first times should be. Akira tenses for a moment before opening his legs. He is tight and it’s sore for the both of them. Goro comes too quickly in the unfamiliar warmth, but then he enters him a second time. As they continue to make love, it gets slightly better for them. Akira wraps his legs awkwardly around Goro’s waist, kissing him over and over, telling him between pants and gasps that he’s glad that his father wouldn’t be bothering them anymore. He’s glad that he’s dead and gone and won’t ever come between them and how he stabs him again and again and ag ain and again and sta bs stabs stabs stabs sTABS till there’s blood everywhere and blood and blood and blood and bl ood blood bloo d blood everywhereeeeeeeeee and its on his clothes and its dirty and disgusting and he’s dead dead d ead and dead an d he had it comin g he had it coming he had it coming he had it comingggGgg ehehehe heehh heh he had it coming he had it comin g he had i t coming he had it coming h

e had it coming he had it coming he had it c oming he had it c oming he had it coming he had

#shuakeconfidantweek #persona 5 #shuake #akeshu #goro akechi #akira kusuru #sloth's fics #please accept my first contribution to this fandom

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mbtimemes · 7 years

Text

brutally honest descriptions of the mbti types based off my experiences with them via a very sleep deprived infp

enfp:

-commitment issues? haha i’ve never heard of those :))))

-will literally punch a toddler in the throat if they say they support trump

-so i took the mbti test 7 times and i got infp twice and entp once?? i don’t really know, because i kind of fit into the infj sterotypes more, but if you really think about it i’m kind of an enfj? but i also really relate to isfps, but then again i think i’m too opinionated and logical to be a feeler, so entp isn’t out of the question, but i also feel like the entj cognitive functions really fit m

-genuinely love animals and it’s so pure

-hi sorry for not replying, i was in prison :3 also i moved to norway lol

-actually just the 2007 taco xd random aesthetic irl

-“i just came up with another book plot” texts approximately every 2.3 hours

isfp:

-hi i’m melissa i’m a 23 year old art school dropout and i abuse prescription pills but it’s okay because i have 200 followers on my grunge aesthetic instagram account. rent me an apartment?

-(talking about veganism to someone at a party) i just don’t understand how anyone could put all of that stuff in their body :/ *bends down to snort a line of cocaine*

-actually really artistically talented but much like the infp they refuse to give themselves any credit for it

-my dream man is someone who goes to coachella with me, helps me align my charkas, takes sad candid pictures of me, is willing to backpack around europe with me and my philosophy class during the summer,

-*googles* why do i share a type with literally every indie musician that has ever breathed lol

-probably fucked your girl in the back of a vape shop

infj:

-if you manage to find one never let them go they are some of the best people you’ll ever meet

-huge harry potter nerds

-can manage to get you to spill out your entire life story to them with a concerned glance

-please actually care for yourself for once and a while literally you do everything for everyone else just take some time for yourself god dammit you deserve it

-CATS™

-could be literally the most talented person in the world but would never come close to admitting it

-hi i’m actually just jesus christ irl! nice to meet you :-)

intj:

-they know everything

-like seriously everything it’s kind of scary like calm down karl

- allows themselves to recognize exactly one (1) human emotion per year

-can read for hours on end without getting bored and genuinely loves learning

-are generally dicks tbh especially to the people they love the most

-wikipedia articles™

-they actually aren’t actually the emotionless robots tumblr seems to display them as, they are actually extremely emotional in my experience and tend to get offended/upset easily and over small things

-sci-fi, cats, and machines > humans

-superiority complex™

-cute when they aren’t busy throwing tantrums/crushing the souls of their enemies

esfj:

-hi i’m martha, i’m 32 years young, i like long walks by the beach, yoga, and judging my neighbors for not mowing their lawn :-)

-tend to be extra™ parents and their kids can either turn out complete emotional wreck assholes because they’ve never been disciplined or the happiest child you’ll ever meet, there is no in between

-they may be complete snakes and have never came up with an original idea in their entire life but boy can they make a killer chicken parmesan

-kind of comforting in a mother-like sense when they aren’t busy being judgmental dicks

-will clean your entire house for you on a whim

infp:

-wow i love being an infj :)) top 1% haha :))

-will literally develop a crush on someone because they say they know what tumblr is

-find purpose in writing/creating in general

-ending toxic relationships?? haha what’s that??? :))

-constantly switches between their “you can’t control me it isn’t a phase mom go away >:(( my chemical pilots at the disco saved me xd i will literally punch a baby fuck the system i’m 2cool4school” persona and their “i’m such a smol bean :3 save all the animals <333 i love pretty girls and dogs :))” persona

-“can i txt you back in like 15 mins i’m having an emotional breakdown lol”

-actually genuinely empathetic and creatively gifted but gives themself credit for none of it

-intelligent but fails classes because their teacher said something that went against their morals

-playing the victim? never heard of it! :))

-secretly just meme hoarders

-attention whores tbh i won’t even deny it

-o v e r d r a m a t i c

entp:

-hi it’s 6 fucking am and everyone just wants to go back to sleep or die or both but i’m gonna start an argument with the professor over the origin of tangerines for no apparent reason

-*googles* how to permanently get rid of my fe in 5 simple steps

-follow my meme page xd

-so what if i love my dog more than i do myself and my entire family?

-this conversation is boring me i’m gonna go chug a bottle of vodka and binge bill nye the science guy™ peace out

-have low self-esteems but compensate through obscure dark web conspiracy theories at 3 in the morning

-shirley i didn’t call you back because you’re a fake ass bitch not because i didn’t like your lasagna at the block party

estp:

-why do i keep physically abusing my crush lol

-and why do i keep yelling i can’t even stop at this point someone please send help

-they love food more than they do themselves

-fuckboys™

-hi welcome to my prank youtube channel :3

-the type of people to show up to school with 37 puppies and a knife

-i’m not gay but 20 bucks is 20 bucks

entj:

-sorry i didn’t show up to school because you’re fucking stupid

-awe infp is so cute <3 i’ll destroy them last

-*on the floor, drunk, talking to their dog* you’re the only motherfucker in this town who can handle me

-what do you mean other people’s opinions/beliefs besides my own are valid lol??

-lowkey have daddy kinks

-what do you mean it’s physically impossible for me to control every aspect of my life??

-i mean if you really think about it voldemort was the victim,

-the type of person who could tell their crush they like them without flinching. terrifying

istp:

-wears d.a.r.e shirts ironically

-1990’s grunge aesthetic

-would walk into a burning building for the meme

-playing the hero?? haha never heard of it :))

-ew what the fuck man get those feelings away from me lol

-fuck da police

-following the rules?? that seems excessive lmao no thanks

istj:

-i once had one (1) original idea back in the summer of ’67. it was terrifying. i’ll never do it again.

-your scary math teacher that wears black socks everyday expects friday. then they jazz it up a bit with stripes. will mark your grade up if you say you like the same sports team as they do.

-understanding concepts outside of your own experiences? lmao no thanks?

-will make quizlet sets organize your desk for you

-my dream in life is to narrate a crime documentary and complete my george washington memorabilia collection.

-remembers all of their colleagues birthdays. doesn’t say happy birthday.

enfj:

-fucking get over your ex already he wasn’t that attractive calm down allison

-*googles* why do i relate to regina george from mean girls so much?

-the type of person who tells your boyfriend you have a crush on him

-o v e r d r a m a t i c

-gets your shit together for you. judges you

intp:

-dead inside

-if you can manage to find one that actually tolerates you they are some of the most loyal and true people you’ll ever meet

-horrible social skills, compensates through meme hoarding

-sends you links to conspiracy theory videos when you’re sad

-extremely intelligent but they get lost in their own house

-whoops i just remember i haven’t showered in 3 weeks lol

-i would laugh at that joke but i’m 3 hours deep into an existential crisis and i’m 100% convinced you are actually a robot created by bill clinton so not today jeff

esfp:

-yes homo

-cries over cat videos in public

-facetimes you in a grasshopper fursuit at 3 in the morning

-probably an alcoholic

-has 87 different crushes at once

-you haven’t talked to them in 7 years but they’ll show up at your birthday party and give you dog

-also attention whores

-generally has the personality of someone who just did 10 lines of cocaine

isfj:

-one sec let me just gather up all of the fake empathy i can muster for this particular situation

-that one kid in class who always has perfect notes

-shudders at the thought of… a… creative… thought….

-falls in love with an estp approximately every 23 seconds

-hi i’m karen, i’m 34, i love my family, cupcake baking, helping people of course until it interferes with my own personal comfort haha, christmas decorations, room layouts,

-probably has a studyblr

estj:

-your angry boss

-probably cyberbullies children on the internet

-has an emotional breakdown when they don’t win classroom jeopardy

-*googles* who is bernie sanders and why do i want him dead

-organizes your shit for you, regrets it later

-dead inside

#mbti #myers briggs #enfp #infp #isfp #esfp #esfj #isfj #istj #istp #enfj #intp #intj #infj #estp #entp #entj

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foundcarcosa · 6 years

Text

cccxxv.

As of this minute, what is going through your mind? >> Realising I didn’t open my beer, so I’m going to do that as soon as I stop typing this. What are you currently listening to? >> The Death of Love, Cradle of Filth. Has anyone ever said something that brought tears to your eyes? >> Sure. Can Calah is good at that. Has anyone let you down recently? >> No.

What were you doing at 10:00 am this morning? >> I think I was checking my social media and also beginning to deliberate about whether I wanted to go outside even though it was raining or not.

Do you feel like you have life figured out? >> I’m at the point where I assume that life isn’t something one “figures out”, but one just experiences and does one’s best with. It’s not a fuckin math problem. Do you have on makeup? >> No. What mood are you in right now? >> A neutral one, but easily elevated (or depressed, depending) due to slight intoxication. Looking forward to anything? >> Getting out of suburban shut-in hell for a couple of days (my birthday trip). Be honest, who is the easiest person in your life to talk to? >> Can Calah is the only person I have no mental blocks against talking to. Sometimes the mental blocks have less to do with the other person and more to do with past experience, so it’s not like I truly believe certain other people wouldn’t be receptive -- I just... have a hard time. Have you lived in the same town your entire life? >> Not at all. Would you say you’re an understanding person? >> My cognitive empathy is pretty well-developed out of sheer necessity (gotta fill in the affective-empathy blank somehow, if I’m going to be a well-rounded person worth associating with), but there are always going to be weak spots in it because I can’t anticipate every human response. Also, how well I use my cognitive empathy depends on how much mana I have that day. It is sorcery, after all. Do you hate being alone? >> I don’t hate being alone, I hate feeling alone. Are you a loud person? >> Generally not. Were you happy when you woke up today? >> No, because I think I woke up to noise. But I also woke up to Can Calah, so, it evened out. Do you know anyone who is pregnant? >> I don’t think so. Do you miss the way things used to be? >> I miss some things. But there are pros and cons to everything. How has the week been? >> Short, considering it’s only Monday. Do you plan on getting your hair cut anytime soon? >> Yeah, I think I should probably cut my hair again tomorrow. Now, whether I will have the executive function for it or not is a different story. Do you wish you could tell someone something big, but can’t? >> I mean, it’s not that I can’t. It’s more like... it needs its space to be said. Also, it’s not like, something that needs to be SAID in one SINGLE MOMENT, it’s just kinda... a conversation. Not just me rambling on and on like I’m the only important voice in the dialogue. Ya dig? Ready for winter to come? >> Hell fucking no, I haven’t even gotten to kiss Summer full on the lips yet. Have you ever been called beautiful? >> Sure.

Say something about the first person you kissed this year? >> Uh... she’s a spa care specialist or something. I forget the actual job title but that sounds at least 75% right. When was the last time you were truly and completely happy? >> Uh. Do you currently have a hickey? >> No. Did you talk to your father today? >> No. Are you starting to realize anything? >> Realisation is so slow that it’s invisible until seen in hindsight, so. Do you bite your fingernails? >> Nope. Do you like Mexican food? >> Sure. Do you want someone back in your life? >> I got the person I wanted back in my life. Everyone else I ‘lost’ is on a “meh” basis. Like, I can live with or without, ya dig. Have you ever in anyway, been betrayed by someone you trust? >> I don’t think so. At what age do you want to get married? >> Meh. Where were you at two this morning? >> In bed. Who was the last person you had an argument with? >> I don’t remember. Do you think things will change in the next few months? >> That’s literally how life works. What are you doing today? >> Well, even though it was raining, I let Can Calah convince me to walk to the northerly intersection-- I JUST REMEMBERED I RENTED SOMETHING FROM REDBOX I should actually uhhh watch it lmao --so I went to the Redbox and the liquor store and the Speedway and the Dollar Tree. And then took the bus back home. And now I’m just drinking and messing around on the internet. I should have watched the movie lmao but I straight-up forgot I had it. Later, then. It’s raining and I actually want to smoke with Kris/Hallie and watch the movie. It’s The Greatest Showman, it looks fun. Blah. Whatever. Is there snow on the ground where you are? >> No. Thank the fucking gods. Have your past mistakes made you wiser? >> Some of them have, some of them haven’t. As it goes.

Next time you will kiss someone? >> I don’t know. Why aren’t you with the person you’re in love with? >> Well, I’m with Sparrow. The other person just lives so far away. And I never have money to travel. But at least the internet exists. What a time to be alive. Do you hate the last person you kissed? >> No. Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do? >> Sure. Would you ever get a tattoo? >> I have three, so yes, it’s safe to say that I would definitely get a tattoo at any point had I the money. Did you sleep alone last night? >> Physically, yeah. Do you sleep with or without clothes on? >> With.

Have you ever felt like you literally needed someone? >> Yeah. If the last person you kissed said that you were the only one they wanted? >> “Well, that’s... fine, I guess.” LOL that sounds like a wack answer but like... I don’t mean it to sound unenthusiastic, it’s just... not as romantic-sounding to me. It puts a lot of expectation on me to continue to be that same person that they always want me to be. And it’s patently proven that I am a constantly changing individual by design. If [me as you know me right now] is the only person you want, then does that mean you will also only want [me in the future] or will you go “you’re not the person I thought you were!” and break it off? Also, does that mean you want me to reciprocate? Because I guarantee you as a polyam person you will NOT be the only one I want, so will that upset you? Because if so, we need to talk about that. I want to point out something else -- the way that I answered this question is so extra that sometimes I wonder how anyone would want me.

#surveysofsamedi #surveys

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butwhatistrue · 6 years

Text

I dreamt that I went back to the hospital and talked to the psychiatrist and she was like “gosh, I’m so sorry - so it turns out I can’t legally just diagnose you, I need your written consent. Do you wanna give it?” and I was so conflicted lmao. It wasn’t like “Yes I agree I have ___”, it was a paper with the diagnostic criteria and I had to agree to whether I experienced this or that. like. eeeep.

then later I was talking to a male nurse and he was interviewing me really thoroughly and there were all these forms to fill out and then suddenly an IQ test and it was horrible, and I went to get coffee and got lost and couldn’t find my way back

and I woke up and realized. shit. In Denmark anyone diagnosed with schizophrenia is required to have a test of their cognitive function within two years of diagnosis.

I think.................. there are many things I don’t want to know in life.... but my IQ is pretty high on that list. More importantly, I don’t want others to know.

I just know I’m going to do disappointingly badly bc my working memory is Shit and I will be so Stressed and Staring into The Mouth of Failure the whole time and it takes literal hours to complete these tests

i know.

we had a lecture on it.

This is a disaster in so many ways.

#kit doesn't know when to shut up #I was SO relieved when she said she couldn't just do it #but then she put the whole thing back on me #and like #shit if I know...#but the male nurse was SO FUCKING KIND #like he just made me feel at ease until the IQ test at least #and i felt so bad that i couldn't find my way back #since he was waiting for me

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random-esfp · 7 years

Text

Cognitive functions and smiles

Recently I had sort of a dream regarding smiles and what they express. I am sure someone has done some research or has tried to find a correlation between how people smile and what MBTI type they are, but nevermind I wanted to share my messy thoughts with you.

I have always found smiles the stronger point of the human body, I don’t really know why but, to me, they can reflect how truly a person is, if you really know how to look into them. It is easy to fake a smile, obviously, but it’s just a matter of interpersonal intelligence to get when someone is being truly itself or not.

Whatever.

I have reached to the conclusion that there’s something similar among people with the same dominant cognitive function and the way they smile. Of course, the auxiliar function plays an important role too (specially if the dominant one is a Perceiving function -I have observed that “Thinkers” tend to smile more awkwardly and/or aggressively than “Feelers”, but it’s kind of a stupid observation, I’m not relying on it for now-).

So, since pictures/gifs will probably be more self-explanatory than my words, I’ll try to illustrate and match my thoughts with them as good as possible. Also, since fictional characters and kpop idols are the people I am most certain of their MBTI type (sad but true) I’m using idols’ gifs for this accurate theory. Just in sake of science. Take this as a DISCLAIMER ok

Fe - Comfort: this one was the one I dreamt of. I suddenly realized Fe smiles are so warming, it looks like they were hugging you and saying “it’s alright” but without the need of touching you at all. As long as they are honest smiles, they give the sensation of understanding and emotional control of the situation. They imply that there’s nothing to worry about. It feels like they’re so pleased with their lives and current situation, even though they may open the mouth a second later to say the opposite (if so). Their smile is the physical representation of paying attention to someone in order to make them feel better. They got this especial expression in the face that makes you feel at ease.

(Both are ESFJ)

Ne - Sunbeam: major key aspect to spot an ENxP: they ALWAYS smile widely in pictures or videos. It’s their nature. They probably have the brightest, purest and more innocent smiles. They irradiate contagious happiness and make you want to smile as well. Usually their smile suggest they’re very friendly and ready to have fun. They seem to have nothing to hide, they come across as people ready to be wide open to you, although nothing far from reality, (my experience says ENxPs are one of the most introvert and secretive types among the “extraverted” ones). You can see the energy in their eyes, and they’re also very quick changing their facial expressions, so it’s pretty normal for them to just burst into laughs a moment after.

(ENFP and ENTP)

Se - Charm: I bet you were expecting something like “seduction” or “sex-appeal” I don’t know, but nope. Those are all stereotypes. Actually, Se-dom smiles are usually very soft, but with an obvious glimpse of charm. Their eyes tend to catch the receptor’s whole attention, -maybe ESTPs are more “intimidating” than ESFP while doing it, so I’m not sure-. Also, I’ve seen some kind of mix between the friendly Ne and the gentle Fi smile (we’ll get there later). When it comes to smiling, Se doms are not as shy as IxFP may be, but neither are as open as ENxP (tho at laughing they probably are). They give the impression of knowing they have your attention and want to keep it and to make sure they look appealing -not in a romantic or sexual way- to everybody around them.

(Both are ESFP)

Te - Amiability: this is a difficult one. ExTJ are not as intimidating as it is said they are, but yet, their smile doesn’t suggest especial emotional connection or understanding. However, since them and their dominant function are branded as “aggressive”or “bossy” when they smile they tear down that stereotype. Te users usually smile with a clever look in the eyes, staring directly at you. They’re saying “I trust you, I like you enough to smile at you like this” -we’re talking always about honest behaviours, of course-. I’ve seen a lot of Te-doms smiling even more widely than ESxPs, and I don’t have a theory for this, I guess they’re not especially interested in coming across as fancy, and since they tend to smile “less”, when they do it it means they are willing to build a relationship with you and even to let you know more about their inner selves -this is: deep down they’re the softest-.

(ESTJ and ENTJ)

Fi - Softntess: let’s say it: INFP and ISFP usually have the softest and sweetest smile ever. Whether they are more or less shy doesn’t matter because their facial expression seems always kind of bashful. They always show a discreet smile that possibly turns into a big one; sometimes they even have what is called “eye-smile”: you almost see more happiness in their eyes than in their lips, However, the relevant thing is: seeing them smile at you means knowing you have connected with them at some level. You have their full understanding and probably their esteem as well. I think it’s not so easy for a stranger to make them smile comfortably, so you should feel very appreciated when your IXFP smiles at you.

(Both ISFP)

Ni - Relief: gathering gifs for this I’ve realized that Ni dom users tend to smile awkwardly (most INTJ) and shyly (most INFJ) 99% of the time, like, they don’t even get to show they theeh at all. So, seeing them half-laughing is probably more revealing since it is the result of a normally reserved and restrained person who finally has set himself/herself free. What I mean is: INxJs have often their heads in the clouds, they tend to overthink and overanalyse everything so they “don’t plan” to engage with the immediate atmosphere and just smile to come across as friendly or appealing (actually this especially goes for INTJs lmao). They seem to be always on the lookout or lost in their thoughts, so when they finally smile comfortably they’d probably laugh as well, finally connected to their outer world. Therefore, their facial expression is usually composed by an avoiding gaze (oh God why am I doing this) and a wide smile (oh my God I am really enjoying the moment). They seem relieved and maybe amazed about the situation or even about how they’re feeling at the moment.

(INTJ and INFJ)

Si - Engagement: it’s a weird word to describe it, I know, but It just came up to me. This is how I see ISxJs’ smiles: reserved but fulfilling. High Si users usually have a subtle expression which denotes gentleness -whatever ISTJs stereotypes may be-. Their smiles imply control and tidiness, or at least that’s what they seem to reflect. But I also see some sort of comfort, a different one from Fe users (well, in ISFJs that’s a little more difficult to explain) that’s why I thought about “engagement”. While Si users smile, then tend to make an especial eye-contact, between “I am delighted I’m this happy because of you/this” and “thank you”. This is some kind of commitment: “I’m not smiling just because, I’m smiling because I really feel it, I can’t find another way to express myself”.

(Both ISTJ)

Ti - Containment: okay if Ni users are awkward smiling Ti users are even worse. Forget about what you know about shyness-as-a-personality-trait and focus on IxTPs’ smiles because it’s practically the representation of bashfulness. They often avoid the gaze, and probably if you see one Ti user smiling non awkwardly it’s because they found something funny or interesting, not for politeness or the sake of being nice. However, even in the most comfortable atmosphere among friends or relatives, their smile has always a glimpse of containment. But, still, I find IxTPs’ smiles very warm and sweet, maybe because they’re the result of someone who tries but can’t hold back their emotions anymore. (Just a casual observation: I don’t know why this two guys bend forward while smiling. It’s like they have to express their feelings with the body too but I guess that doesn’t need to suit for most of IxTPs.)

(Both ISTP)

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witchist · 7 years

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Rose Hip Tea, Green Tea, Iced Coffee, Caramel Macchiato, Caramel Frappe, Jasmine Tea, Mocha, Vanilla Chai Latte

Okay so I went to answer this earlier but got fed up cause I wrote out a whole answer and became unexpectedly busy so i saved it as a draft on my phone but it never showed up in my drafts ugh ANYWAY thanks for sending the good ones!! :)

Rose Hip Tea– (i’ve never had this but i love rose hip anything...) describe your first kiss: k so im really bad for rambling so this is probably going to sound super boring cause im gonna try to sum it up and warning it screams hetero like other than it being entirely hetero it also somehow SCREAMS hetero beyond the obviously hetero parts... anyway so I was freshly 17, it was Canada day and I had tagged along with some friends in walking around downtown and we bumped into some ppl that one of my friends knew and he was in the back of his group and I was in the back of my group and we made eye contact and ok this entire night would have been real cute if I wasn’t so utterly disinterested in such corny romance, it could have come out of a teen romance movie. Like in retrospect I understand now that I’m a-spec but smol 17 year old dresden was very confused, VERY. So I fought through the icky feeling and tried to convince myself what I was feeling was just nerves and he was enamoured like theres no way else to put it i dont mean to toot my own horn... at one point he was just straight up like ‘can I please kiss you?’ and I was :O and said yes and he did and if i had been into him this would have been great probably but I wasn’t interested in him at all, I was only interested in being able to say I had kissed somebody lmao but it felt nice like it felt wrong but nice, he was clearly a good kisser. Unfortunately for me I didn’t realise this until I went on to kiss other people and they couldn’t compare. Anyway, yes, that’s the story of my first kiss. I somehow made it a novel anyway. I’m glad that was my first kiss experience, as much as I felt gross at the time I’m glad it happened then cause it gave me the confidence to kiss other people...and I shouldn’t have felt like I was so behind really but idk if it would have ever happened if I hadn’t let it happen that night lmao. I had to let the poor guy down a few days later tho lmAO omg he had a temper tantrum how gross

Green tea– how tall are you?: i used to think i was at least 5′6 but recently I measured myself and I’m only like 167cm i think? which is 5′5 i believe.. so.... shorter than I thought lmao.

Iced Coffee– Do you like reading? If so, what’s your favourite book?: I have not been able to read for years now because of the effects of chronic mental illness on my cognitive function (example being complete inability to process the words, severe difficulty with concentration)...... SO my favourite book is the favourite book of me as a teenager so idk how i’d feel about it now but it’s Feed by M.T Anderson. I used to ADORE reading, im scared to try to do it now cause it just reminds me of what I’ve lost in functionality. not to make this all sad lmao but thats the truth atm

Caramel Macchiato– You’re travelling the entire world but you can only take one person with you, who do you take?: I dont have very many options lmao. I wouldn’t take a family member. I don’t have a significant other.... I’d take my friend, she would actually be the perfect candidate anyway, Im scarily dependent on her to guide me through even the city I’ve lived in all my life lmao so safe to say I’d need her and she would be great to experience it with too so yes her

Caramel Frappe– favourite video game: fire emblem series probably!!!! awakening more specifically although I really liked birthright too

jasmine tea and mocha I’ve already done!!

Vanilla Chai Latte– Are you in love?: I’m notorious for answering questions with more questions so my answer is what kind of love? I assume this means romantically in which case: no i’m not

thank you so much :)

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kamurokatz · 3 years

Text

I had mentioned earlier in I think - November - that my neurologist believes I have a rare neuropathy.

Anyways, they made clear that my only way to get a sure prognosis of this disease is through genetic results and my form of coverage wouldn't allow that type of testing. Neither would I have been able to see a neuro-muscular specialist to do the next steps in said testing and treatment.

It turns out this specialist does research for this specific disease and is VERY well-known. He took me on free of charge as he also does socialwork. It was all very random as I hadn’t bothered to even schedule or contact him as I knew nothing would be medically covered. He had gotten a referral about my case from my neuro and he was able to see me within the same week of my initial testing, get me a genetic test kit, and now I'm waiting to see if my DNA has any makers for this disease! I know he took me on as he believes I have a form of it that doesn't have much research so he'll be studying me but whatever, as long as I get my treatment....I appreciate him for everything he’s done so far as I was certain I was going to have to live my life for a while there knowing something was wrong with me but being unable to discern what.

That being said, if it turns out I have this, I’ll now be disabled as this disease affects my balance and walking. I already have tingling and loss of sensation in portions of my feet. I have random body twitching (very minor as people cannot see it), and I have visual auras which also impacts my driving somewhat. I have to wear foot braces on both legs from now on, and I have to cope with this new reality now. I’m told that episodes can come in bursts and it can potentially leave me in a wheelchair - not because I’ll lost complete muscle function, but because my nerves and muscles will be unable to balance itself properly anymore. Essentially I’ll be able to do short quick walks on flat surfaces and that’s about it. Hopefully I never get to that point.

There are certain things I’m grateful for, this disease doesn’t shorten my lifespan. It won’t affect my cognition and apart from removing certain types of activities from my life - I can do almost everything else as normal.

Downsides are, my hands tremble and cramp doing certain activities like writing and buttoning. I trip and fall on my knees quite a bit, going down the stairs is a big hassle and I sometimes need help as I’m doing it, and I have to understand that I can now pass this condition onto children if I have any.

This condition is also probably THE reason I’ve struggled my whole life to gain weight. The disease causes slow and gradual muscle waste. While others can eat and gain excess - turns out my body is just absorbing to maintain what it already has. In FOUR months, I’ve been eating around 3000-3500 calories a day and I’ve only been able to gain a SUSTAINED 4 lbs. FOUR POUNDS. I am 5′7″/ 170cm and after my 4 lbs gain, weigh 102.6 lb/46.2 kg. A persons at my age and height is supposed to be at a MINIMUM 120 lbs/54.4 kg. Thankfully no one has ever given me problems about any eating disorders and this is probably due to the fact that my blood work - organs, physical appearance, are ALL normal. But I still have to follow diet regiments that someone with ED would follow. C’est la vie lmao

So now I’ll be eating just to maintain (but I’ll still be trying to gain) and I HAVE to do regular exercise to maintain muscle strength as no exercise speeds the muscle waste thus potentially causing me to lose more weight.

For any of my long time followers who may be reading this, thank you lol. I’m doing fine mentally and physically all things considered. I didn’t exactly mean to spit out all this information, but I had to put it out here as I haven’t told anyone outside my family yet. >.>

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vtforpedro · 3 years

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health update - long, long post

two out of three appointments done!! good news all around. first, with my hematologist... so apparently I've been in remission since december and didn't know it because the literature talks about milestones you have to reach for the type of leukemia I have but lmao ???? hey I've been in remission for almost eight months, cool ;P if I go two years with no signs of leukemia, we can extend my appts out! but for now we will still check labs every three months my endocrinologist sent me to an Expert Thyroid Radiologist and she said my ultrasound on the goiter/nodules looked good enough to not even need another ultrasound again (barring any major changes in numbers, I imagine) and my tsh levels are excellent so 👌 don't have to do labs again for a year!! I see my rheum on the 3rd and I imagine it will go much the same way as I've already seen my labs and they look ok to my layman's eyes lol and thank god she let me switch to a telehealth appt so I don't have to go in for this one because I had to go in yesterday to my hematologist's office hnnnn this is all really good news and feels great but GOD! it's extremely hard to tell what's been giving me symptoms since CML, hypothyroidism, and of course rheumatic diseases all cause intense fatigue, appetite weirdness, skin problems and more. but depression/anxiety/ptsd also cause all of these things and so do both of my neurological conditions. my rheum thinks the basic symptoms my PCP was concerned about for lupus or scleroderma is the whole shebang combined and I'm sure she's right it's always been the neuro shit that's given me the worst symptoms and agony and extreme discomfort I've ever felt in my life lol and that has an uncertain and at this moment frightening future so... yeah, we'll see where I'm at in a few months I guess and if there's been any improvement. but fighting what happens in my brain every day is the most exhausting thing I've ever done and the damage it does to my mental health cannot be understated, which my neurologist loves to do! so as soon as I do a couple tests he ordered I'm finding a new one. not for new answers, but only for someone not a complete mess of a person who contradicts themselves constantly within the same breath y'all my last appointment with him was absolutely BANANAS. he spent more time complaining about the company he worked for and defending himself and justifying himself to himself??? than like. treating me lol he makes so so so many mistakes, he lies, and I'm still boiling over the question he asked on the phone on july 1st 'so did anyone go over your MRI results with you?' (from mid-APRIL) like do you mean YOU, SIR???? god. he reviewed them with me on my appt on july 14th and got all huffy about them doing 'the wrong MRI' cause I was supposed to have an MRV, not an MRA, and yet he has put in like 6 or 7 orders (four in the same day) for an MRA, including on the 14th, just in case you need a picture of what this man is like. I could make three whole posts about him, he's chaotic and not in a good way him: 'well you've lost 30 pounds and with IIH, that should show improvement. and since there's no improvement, that's very uncharacteristic so it could be something else. but also keep in mind that even with losing the weight there may not be any improvement in IIH symptoms' hmm still working that one out anyway I've had insomnia for the majority of my life and only medical marijuana helped. I'd go to bed at midnight and not fall asleep until 3 AM if I was lucky before I tried it. now that I can't be on it, but I am at war with my brain 24/7, I'm sleeping the whole night through better than I have for most of my life 😒 this sounds like a good thing, but I'm still exhausted waking up every morning. my brain can't catch up on rest while it's this bad I still don't have a lot of hope for this shit. and it is IIH, he just doesn't want to say it. we all know it's IIH, it's literally the one explanation and fits all my symptoms. I wish it had been the easiest one to cure and was gone because it's a living hell. gonna continue

working toward my goals and hope my health is eventually as kind to me for this as it's been for the CML I really want to go to therapy to deal with the trauma of the last year and a half but I can't have a conversation, especially not an emotional one, and I can't process or think very well when talking to someone anymore. it sucks and it's scary feeling my brain function is not what it was just two or three months ago. memory 👎 decision making skills 👎 processing questions 👎 mixing things up/confusing myself on the daily? 👍 neuro referred me to a neuropsychologist for cognitive function stuff so yeah. hoping for a miracle at this point anyway, pretty proud of myself for losing weight though and in a healthy way. my neurologist, neurosurgeon and psychiatrist seemed doubtful I could do it on my own, but my 31lbs gone says hey fuck you lmao 19 more to my big first goal! even if it doesn't fix IIH and I have to have surgery, not being obese anymore will make it safer and I'll feel better all around. started at 210 and I'm now at 179 c: sorry for good news and also doom and gloom but s i g h at least there's forward progress in some ways, right?

#medical #personal #vtforpedro personal #I just saw someone mention oversharing as being like a bad trait #so I'm sorry if me blogging about my health issues is uncomfortable or feels like oversharing but it helps me #i'll always have these to look back on #I also only have like two people to talk to about this stuff otherwise and I need to really let it all out so I can breathe #but now I'm rethinking if I should've ever started blogging about my health in the first place hnnnn #i really am sorry if they make you uncomfortable so i added a new tag you can blacklist #anyway love you all please stay safe and healthy

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newscitygroup · 5 years

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The Establishment Loyalist’s Favorite Online Tactic

This article was originally published by Caitlin Johnstone at Activist Post.

If you’re skeptical of Western power structures and you’ve ever engaged in online political debate for any length of time, the following has definitely happened to you.

You find yourself going back and forth with one of those high-confidence, low-information establishment types promulgating a dubious mainstream narrative, whether that be about politics, war, Julian Assange, or whatever. At some point they make an assertion which you know to be false–publicly available information invalidates the claim they’re making.

“I’ve got them now!” you think to yourself if you’re new to this sort of thing. Then you share a link to an article or video which makes a well-sourced, independently verifiable case for the point you are trying to make.

Then, the inevitable happens.

“LMAO! That outlet!” they scoff in response. “That outlet is propaganda/fake news/conspiracy theory trash!”

Or something to that effect. You’ll encounter this tactic over and over and over again if you continually engage in online political discourse with people who don’t agree with you. It doesn’t matter if you’re literally just linking to an interview featuring some public figure saying a thing you’d claimed they said. It doesn’t matter if you’re linking to a WikiLeaks publication of a verified authentic document. Unless you’re linking to CNN/Fox News (whichever fits the preferred ideology of the establishment loyalist you’re debating), they’ll bleat “fake news!” or “propaganda!” or “Russia!” as though that in and of itself magically invalidates the point you’re trying to make.

And of course, it doesn’t. What they are doing is called attacking the source, also known as an ad hominem, and it’s a very basic logical fallacy.

Most people are familiar with the term “ad hominem”, but they usually think about it in terms of merely hurling verbal insults at people. What it actually means is attacking the source of the argument rather than attacking the argument itself in a way that avoids dealing with the question of whether or not the argument itself is true. It’s a logical fallacy because it’s used deliberately to obfuscate the goal of a logical conclusion to the debate.

“An ad hominem is more than just an insult,” explains David Ferrer for The Quad. “It’s an insult used as if it were an argument or evidence in support of a conclusion. Verbally attacking people proves nothing about the truth or falsity of their claims.”

This can take the form of saying “Claim X is false because the person making it is an idiot.” But it can also take the form of “Claim X is false because the person making it is a propagandist,” or “Claim X is false because the person making it is a conspiracy theorist.”

I don’t think @bellingcat knows what’s about to hit them now that @caitoz is on their case. Settle in for a few fun months as their entire bullshit narrative on #Syria chemical weapons comes tumbling down. Here’s her opening jab: https://t.co/jvYfIBkDM2

— Sharmine Narwani (@snarwani) November 27, 2019

Someone being an idiot, a propagandist or a conspiracy theorist is irrelevant to the question of whether or not what they’re saying is true. In my last article debunking a spin job on the OPCW scandal by the narrative management firm Bellingcat, I pointed out that Bellingcat is funded by imperialist regime change operations like the National Endowment for Democracy, which was worth highlighting because it shows the readers where that organization is coming from. But if I’d left my argument there it would still be an ad hominem attack, because it wouldn’t address whether or not what Bellingcat wrote about the OPCW scandal is true. It would be a logical fallacy; proving that they are propagandists doesn’t prove that what they are saying in this particular instance is false.

What I had to do in order to actually refute Bellingcat’s spin job was show that they were making a bad argument using bad logic, which I did by highlighting the way they used pedantic wordplay to make it seem as though the explosive leaks which have been emerging from the OPCW’s investigation of an alleged chemical weapons attack in Douma, Syria were insignificant. I had to show how Bellingcat actually never came anywhere close to addressing the actual concerns about a leaked internal OPCW email, such as extremely low chlorinated organic chemical levels on the scene and patients’ symptoms not matching up with chlorine gas poisoning, as well as the fact that the OPCW investigators plainly don’t feel as though their concerns were met since they’re blowing the whistle on the organization now.

And, for the record, Bellingcat’s lead trainer/researcher guy responded to my arguments by saying I’m a conspiracy theorist. I personally count that as a win.

The correct response to someone who attacks the outlet or individual you’re citing instead of attacking the actual argument being made is, “You’re attacking the source instead of the argument. That’s a logical fallacy, and it’s only ever employed by people who can’t attack the argument.”

The demand that you only ever use mainstream establishment media when arguing against establishment narratives is itself an inherently contradictory position because establishment media by their very nature do not report facts against the establishment. It’s saying “You’re only allowed to criticize establishment power using outlets which never criticize establishment power.”

2/2 No principle is worth nuclear war. This honest reporter, @caitoz, beholden to no ideology or special interest, calls it as it is, not as the #MSM wants to see — https://t.co/miDXqmZAG7

— Oliver Stone (@TheOliverStone) November 26, 2019

Good luck finding a compilation of Trump’s dangerous escalations against Moscow like the one I wrote the other day anywhere in the mainstream media, for example. Neither mainstream liberals nor mainstream conservatives are interested in promoting that narrative, so it simply doesn’t exist in the mainstream information bubble. Every item I listed in that article is independently verifiable and sourced from separate mainstream media reports, yet if you share that article in a debate with an establishment loyalist and they know who I am, nine times out of ten they’ll say something like “LOL Caitlin Johnstone?? She’s nuts!” With “nuts” of course meaning “Says things my TV doesn’t say”.

It’s possible to just click on all the hyperlinks in my article and share them separately to make your point, but you can also simply point out that they are committing a logical fallacy, and that they are doing so because they can’t actually attack the argument.

This will make them very upset because for the last few years establishment loyalists have been told that it is perfectly normal and acceptable to attack the source instead of the argument. The mass hysteria about “fake news” and “Russian propaganda” has left consumers of mainstream media with the unquestioned assumption that if they ever so much as glance at an RT article their faces will begin to melt like that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark. They’ve been trained to believe that it’s perfectly logical and acceptable to simply shriek “propaganda!” at a rational argument or well-sourced article which invalidates their position or even to proactively go around calling people Russian agents who dissent from mainstream western power-serving narratives.

But it isn’t logical, and it isn’t acceptable. The best way to oppose their favorite logically fallacious tactic is to call it like it is and let them deal with the cognitive dissonance that that brings up for them.

Me: This link proves my claim. Empire loyalist: Eww, THAT outlet? They publish criticisms of western imperialism! Me: Yeah. That’s why I’m linking to them. Empire loyalist: No. You can only criticize western imperialism linking to outlets that never criticize western imperialism.

— Caitlin Johnstone ⏳ (@caitoz) November 27, 2019

Of course, some nuance is needed here. Remember that alternative media is just like anything else: there’s good and bad, even within the same outlet, so make sure what you’re sharing is solid and not just some schmuck making a baseless claim. You can’t just post a link to some YouTuber making an unsubstantiated assertion and then accuse the person you’re debating of attacking the source when they dismiss it. That which has been presented without evidence may be dismissed without evidence, and if the link you’re citing consists of nothing other than unproven assertions by someone they’ve got no reason to take at their word, they can rightly dismiss it.

If, however, the claims in the link you’re citing are logically coherent arguments or well-documented facts presented in a way that people can independently fact-check, it doesn’t matter if you’re citing CNN or Sputnik. The only advantage to using CNN when possible would be that it allows you to skip the part where they perform the online equivalent of putting their fingers in their ears and humming.

Don’t allow those who are still sleeping bully those who are not into silence. Insist on facts, evidence, and intellectually honest arguments, and if they refuse to provide them call it what it is: an admission that they have lost the debate.

The post The Establishment Loyalist’s Favorite Online Tactic appeared first on News City Group.

from News City Group https://newscitygroup.com/the-establishment-loyalists-favorite-online-tactic/9811082/

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