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Maybe we never had a chance.
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#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#lan wangji#a-yuan#Ultimately...despite how hard we try to reach people - sometimes it just is not possible.#Sometimes all you can do is wish that things could have been different. You pen a note with all the things you want to say -#and then you let it go. The words stay unsent and unspoken. You just watch the rift between you grow until you're too far away to try again#It is a sad end! It is two people who want to be closer but do not have the right capacity to do anything but shut doors.#Worse yet; it's two people who feel it is not their place to try and impose anything more.#It takes so long to heal from endings like that. You never get enough closure when there is still a faint hope of 'another day'.#It's a false amicability. It's closing a door and telling yourself that at least the windows are unlocked.#WWX will keep up his friendliness as a way to hold LWJ at a distance. LWJ can only try to help so many times.#Speaking of tragedies of trying to help; Let's talk about the addiction metaphors in this episode.#WWX tells LWJ in fairly straightforward terms that he does not *want* do be doing ghost cultivation.#What he wants is to protect people - by any means necessary. If he had another option he would take it.#The path WWX 'chose' is one that is deeply mired in external shame and taboo. He jokes about it but it clearly doesn't feel great.#And I put 'chose' in quotes because just like many who find them selves in bad situations - the choice is an illusion.#He's adamant that this is 'his' choice. That he is in control.#Better to be villainized that endure the terrifying reality that you lack any ability to have choice anymore.#If he had the choice - truly had the choice - he would not be doing this.#You can't help those who don't want to be helped. So of course all LWJ can do is watch from the side. Offer a hand when he can.#This life was a tragedy and the countdown to it all blowing up started a long time ago...
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I don't like any of the maps I've seen for HTTYD so i'm playing a puzzle game w all the locations. This is the 3rd version so far
#httyd#how to train your dragon#httyd map#rtte#race to the edge#mm i already see things i wanna change lmao#the red circle is the are where the Red Death has control#not every dragon in there is under her control but all the dragons of her flock stay there so it's the area where dragon raids happen#i don't believe in the 3rd movie so there's no hidden world but if there WAS i'd put it there hence the ()#also i saw someone saying how funny itd be if hiccup's sarcastic narration of the 1st movie's opening scene was actually the names of place#hence ''freezing to death'' ''hopeless'' and especially ''the meridian of misery''#idk how i feel abt the bewilderbeast under berserker island so instead they're barely located in the red death's territory hence the lack o#raids#and since they're not in war w the dragons n don't get raided they have more people and can actually afford resources and time to things#like fighting other ppl and pillaging like actual vikings#the upper square is the map that berk&berserkers&freezing to death etc use#they're all p concerned w the dragon raids so there's not much energy put to exploring or interacting w Other ppl#n traders rarely go there#they're the weirdos who've settled too close to a dragon nest in the north#n the lower square is the map viggo has and where his Dragon Hunters mainly operate#im thinking of shifting that more to the right to put the rookery where the 'northern markets' currently are#also something that bothers me is that we never rly explore any normal villages#like we've got berk&the berserkers. then we've got uhh 2 dragon-friendly islands the dragon hunters and drago#like who is buying all that dragon product? who are the tribes of the other chieftains in the meeting drago burned down?#where is everyone???
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What if Katsuki and Izuku ran into their teacher from Aldera one day, and he was over the moon with how he "raised up not one but two great heroes, let alone ones who defeated the greatest evils of their era"
And he's like vigorously shaking Izuku's hand, and izuku is being his nervous self but taking the praise politely,
Katsuki can't help but feel sick about those days. Hindsight of growing up tells him that the adult in the room, this teacher, shouldn't have encouraged and ignored blatant bullying that he and others had put Izuku through for being Quirkless.
Katsuki takes every ounce of responsibility for his own past actions, of course, and is not about to export blame, but he can't help but feel a twinge of disdain for the man now shaking Izukus hand and going on about how he guided him on the path to greatness when he did less than nothing to help Izuku.
#bakudeku#an aldera teacher slander post#i know he was working with middleschoolers but still#man had no control on the situation#but i feel like he would react like this if he saw them in the streets#he didnt help Izuku at all#all of Izukus drive came from AllMight and himself#katsuki was a little shithead but that man WAS the teacher.#and it wasnt just Katsuki being a shithead the rest of the class was mean to izuku too!!#friendly reminder
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I hope this doesn't seem like a pressuring ask but I was curious if you were planning to finish like a dogless bone? Under the circumstances it's understandable and within your right to leave the fic incomplete but I was wondering if it was going to be completed. And if you choose to update please update at your leisure, I support you whatever you decide and I know many other readers also support you and want you to be safe.
It doesn't seem pressuring at all, anon! Honestly, I haven't opened the doc since that last round of threats and harrassment on Thursday, which is kind of a bummer, because I suspect that was a part of the intent, especially given I increasingly do think those negative comments on Ungodly Hour were probably from the same cohort of people. I do still plan on finishing it though, and am actually even planning on having a look at it this afternoon, so wish me luck! :-)
#i've actually been wondering how much of this is actually about fic#like i have been noticing patterns with the timing of things happening on here coinciding with certain things on ao3#it's interesting though too y'know#i was thinking last night about how there'll be a bunch of fic posted next week for that particular fest#and i posted back in october when i was pretty naive to the ins and outs of this fandom#that it was weird to me that they'd not allow fic where louis tops when that's pretty unpopular / fic where he bottoms is largely the norm#and y'know i got a bunch of anons even then that surprised me#like they were quite assertive about how if i wanted it the other way i could just run my own fest and people are allowed to#like and write and run the events they want#which sure they are! i agree!#but it gave me a Vibe then and now i'm like#can you literally imagine what would happen if someone tried to run a lestat bottoming fest?#some of these people would go like#reagan-in-the-exorcist about it#any organiser would be doxxed and hurled accusations at and bullied out of the fandom#some of these people couldn't even handle the kinktober fest without spreading rumours about the organisers#and sending me a bunch of faux-friendly anons trying to get me not to participate in it (and i assume other writers too)#like that's crazy#this is FANDOM#and that's a degree of suppression and autocratic thinking that feels frighteningly in line with the current political climate#and the fact that that desire to control and contain what people write and how they write it (and what they read given#they were trying to get all their followers to block me by telling them how to feel about me)#is just#yeah#very sobering#it does make me want to go back and add dog-less bone to the kinktober fest collection though#even though it's january hahaha#fic asks#anyway it was nice to write that little ficlet last night and remind myself that i love writing for this show and these characters#so yes!
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Whyyy do people have their dogs on flexi leads in a vet. It’s unnecessary 😭
Waiting for Henry’s appointment this evening and two terriers came barrelling out of the consult room on flexis, very much not controlled by the owners, and swarmed Henry and me in the waiting room. Poor boy was spooked and couldn’t get away since he was backed into the corner. I asked them to give us space because he doesn’t like other dogs in his face and one of the owners commented ‘Awh, sorry, didn’t see you there’ while they did nothing to pull their dogs away??
Thankfully Henry recovered alright and was happy taking treats from me/ignoring the terrier Staring and crying at him, but my god why are people so clueless. They finally pulled that one back, but while the other owner was paying, their one ran straight back up to us :))
Henry did really well though and felt brave enough to go up to it and sniff it before they got it away again. But then the first one started saying ‘oh do you want to say hi too??’ to their dog. Like, my guy, I told you he’s shy/doesn’t like dogs in his face. Do Not push it. I got Henry doing ‘paws up’ on the bench, and they finally gave up.
Note to self, Henry goes up on the bench to start with next time…
#Henry#2024#text post#mini rant but it bugs me so much#even Henry on his 1.8m normal lead was roaming a bit too far for my liking originally so I kept it quite short and him close#the stress of waiting rooms with a reactive dog#but to his credit he’s been really good here#three or so appointments now and each time a lot of dogs and he’s not looked twice at them#it’s nice he’s less stressed at the physio overall because if that was the regular vet waiting room he’d be ready to throw down#oh and yes I want to make more text posts on this blog so watch out for Mia essay time#look the terriers were really cute and they were friendly! which is better than the majority of terriers we encounter in the wild#but it’s hard enough managing a reactive dog (and he’s not too bad as reactivity goes) I don’t need those close quarter stressors#and yes the dogs might still have been out of control on shorter leads but they wouldn’t have been able to reach us from the other side#of the waiting room#in other news we’re getting a good grade in physio which is both something normal to want and possible to achieve#‘he’s doing so much better already!! :o’ says the physio
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every time i see a post that is like "ughh why cant we have aspec characters who aren't aroace for once" I have to do a double take like "is the aroace rep in the room with us right now?" because genuinely....where is all this aroace rep y'all are complaining about? Why cant i find it yet it's apparently the only aspec rep we get?? You admit that TV never says the word aromantic so where is the aroace rep. So far I've pretty much only seen canonically asexual characters and not much else buddy.
#text#half the time i think these ppl see other aspec ppl saying that x character feels aroace and then they take it as canon rep#instead of an interpretation of the character which likely was never meant to be written as aspec at all#because majority of people don't even know what that is#this isn't me saying that we shouldn't have aroallo or alloace rep btw#this is me complaining about people throwing aroace ppl under the bus because apparently we are 'hogging' all the representation in media#and it just reads as people being aphobic towards aroace people specifically and it drives me insane#you can ask for more aroallo and alloace characters without complaining and shitting on aroace characters????#like bro we are all on the same fucking team. we are all trying to get seen and understood. we all want to see ourselves in media#stop fighting like one of us is somehow way more privileged than the other because 'you have x rep'#we all have crumbs my guy. just because someone else is getting crumbs doesn't mean that its your crumbs being taken.#idk i see so many posts like this and it makes me feel so unwelcome in the aro and ace communities#im tired of aroace people being used as a scapegoat that you can target to pretend like you're punching up#when in reality you're just committing friendly fire against people who are on your team#i miss when the aro and ace communities used to like... work together as a big aspec community#now ppl r way too focused on separating them and acting like they have nothing in common and don't have the same goals#and both communities now tend to put a lot of blame onto aroace people because of stereotypes we never had control over in the first place#it's exhausting#like the aphobia is coming from inside the house#i didn't go through the ace discourse on tumblr to deal with this shit.
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Guys what if I made a zombie apocalypse au
#i know there's a couple out there#but i want one too#yayay#its too late i already made my self insert#ren won't shut up#still thinking about what sun and moon would be#perhaps machines built to kill and clear the zombies#perhaps as a last effort to control the outbreak#but the factory is over ran ans they get left there#and they need to look friendly foe people but not human so rhe zombies ignore them#eererere#ok its made
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As a follow up and hope i'm not bringing up too much angst, Fitzmartin in an interview with Geektober and Gotham Outsiaders said quote she loves, loves, Stephanie, and Tim/Steph matterered/matters to her and she broke them up off-screen as she said she thinks too highly of Steph to use her to prop up/explain Tim. What do you make of this and her writing Steph was "everything tim wanted and more" in his talk with her?
I think she did a piss-poor job of showing she likes Steph if she really does and literally did use her as a prop at the end of the Pride Special, even if there was a sweet moment in there, too. Steph just would not behave like that.
#i just don't like the woman's writing#steph should've kicked tim in the shins for springing bernard on her when she thought they were just having a friendly outing too btw#that wouldn't have been in character either but it would've made ME happy#making tim say she was everything he wanted when he dumped her and got into a relationship ten seconds later while icing her out feels like#damage control at best#feels tagged on bc steph/timsteph fans were mad at the urban legends storyline#bobbinasks#anon
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i'm so tired. year after year i've posted on facebook/Instagram where I have irl people, begging for someone to come hang out and do fun summer activities i've wanted to do since I was a kid but never got to do. year after year i'm ignored and don't get to do anything with anyone. this summer i've been trying they bumble friends app. but it's the same there. I have to try to initiate things and don't get much response and don't know how to plan anything. if I do plan, i'm afraid i'll waste the little time and energy I have on nothing. I doubt strangers will agree to meet up when I can't even figure out how to get to know them properly....
"ask people people directly instead of making a broad post" i've been told. i've tried that too, over and over. it always ends in rejection and excuses. i'll ask, they'll say they can't because they're busy. so I "put the ball in their court" as they say, and ask them if we can plan another time. more excuses or getting ignored. tell them to let me know as soon as they know. but if I don't ask them again, they will never speak to me again. they never let me know. they forget i exist, or simply avoid me on purpose. they do things with all their real friends instead, because they can always make time for them, even after I was told they're busy this weekend with work, I find out they went out with friends all weekend and didn't actually have work or plans at all before that. if I ask too many times, they eventually ghost me and don't even give excuses anymore. they don't even have the kindness to tell me they don't want to see me so I can stop wasting my precious time and energy on them.
"people like to be asked directly because it means you want to meet them specifically and they feel special, so theyre more likely to accept" or whatever, I don't remember the exact words I was told, it was something like that. but I can get that. that's why I will try a few times before giving up. that's why I wait endlessly year after year for someone to reach out to me first for once to do things or even just chat. it's always expected that I always reach out first, ask first, plan everything. i'm not good at that. is that why I always fail at it? the rejection affects me more than for others. trying to plan things is exhausting and overwhelming. especially when I plan a while thing and get canceled on or rejected, time after time. yet I still try and keep waiting, wasting my time and feeling more alone.
why do I have to always be the one to reach out? why can't I expect someone to one day respond to my broad posts? why do I have to ask directly every time and do the socially draining song and dance just to be met with failure? they're so quick to push me away. I don't think asking directly does anything at all to benefit me or them. I don't think they actually care or need or want my attention, because they all have their people. me asking directly doesn't make them feel special at all.
"it's a two-way street/you don't have to do everything/find people who will put in effort too" i'm told these things. it sounds good in theory. but I can't control what other people do or think or feel, so it isn't helpful. go tell that to the difficult people I know and keep meeting. tell them how to communicate properly, because i'm sure if I give them a lecture on proper communication and how to treat me better, they will block me immediately. people have a bad habit of refusing to listen to me no matter how hard I try to communicate with them.
"as people directly" feels more like a lie I was told. a thing told to me to say i must not be trying hard enough and that's why I fail. a lie to remind me that i'm socially unacceptable and do everything wrong. they don't need me to ask directly. they aren't going to accept anyway. but what about me? what if i'm the one who wants to feel special that I was chosen by someone directly over others, that they thought if me, wanted to give their precious time to me? instead of being their last choice, hoping they accept because they have no one else, because all their real friends and favorite people are busy but they need socializing. the reality is, i'm usually not even a choice at all. I've seen their posts where they're bored or want to do a thing but don't ask me like I asked them to. they get responses from their real friends and set plans and don't have space left for me. I want to feel the thing i'm told other people are supposed to feel when I ask directly. they don't seem to feel that at all because it's me and i'm not people they like. I can't ask too much or ask to join in. desperate people are never wanted. maybe I still look too desperate once or twice a year.
it sure would be nice to be liked. to be on someone's mind when they want to invite people. to get invitations to things, to be included in plans, to get people to accept my invites. to have someone to actually want you around and ask you suddenly without warning, making the plans, without you having to do anything but show up and join them. instead of being forced to spend my life alone, I want to feel what it's like to actually be wanted....
#lee rambles#big ramble that took way too long to write. so tired now 😭#social battery drained from trying to make people like me enough to be friends and failing#dont know what do. need socially adpet friend who guides me. cant be social guide. too overwhelming and exhausting#need a social friendly extrovert to adopt me and drag me around or hang out comfortably#but that only happens in animes and stuff. never in real life......#why is this life so lonely.....#petition to change autism to “lonely social isolation disease” /sarcasm#autistic#autism#actually autistic#i assume its the autism. or am i actually insufferable or something. ill never know since people dont like to inform me of things adequately#no om not asking for advice. ive heard everything by now and nothing helps. unless you can teach me mind control#its on other people. they are the ones who need to take the responsibility and do things since i cant force them to despite trying my best
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Fwb has his work cut out for him.
Glad you found someone who matches with you so well. Hope it builds into something awesome 🥰
You're not wrong! And I'd like to hope for that something awesome in the future lol but honestly kinda worried that my insatiable horniness might eventually tire him out or scare him off 😬 he's still dating other people and currently fucking at least one of them, after all. What if my libido is too much of a drain or an inconvenience? All I can do is be honest about what I want and go from there, I guess.
#anon asks#friendly anons#thank you for the encouragement!#sorry just I'm just in the nervous apprehension part of my daily emotions cycle lol#and I'm just so used to being tossed aside like the second I become inconvenient#but i also wanna fuuuuuuuuck i have so much time to make up for#so far he mostly seems to find it adorable#but will that last#whatever i gotta stop thinking about it#it's gonna be what it's gonna be and I can't really control that#but also hey one of my best friends got into a fuckbuddy situation 8-9 years ago and they married the aforementioned buddy last year#so it's not impossible that things could evolve#i guess it would depend on if he's permanently poly/open or just exploring his options while he processes his situation#because I am just not wired to be poly man it's just not my thing#I'm too insecure and I don't like to share 😔#and I generally don't have the emotional bandwidth to focus on more than one person at a time myself#so like now even though I am megahorny and absolutely free to keep dating others if I want I also have zero interest in doing so#ugh too many thoughts#rant#dating nonsense
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Me, trying to write a sanguine: What would Chester Arthur do?
#the brainstorming of the arateph rapunzel retelling has me musing over camreth's character again (which has always been tough to nail down)#i've always known he had a very strong sanguine temperament#but as an introvert with a heavy melancholic streak i had a tough time wrapping my head around it#specifically how to reconcile his cheerfulness with his intense survivor's guilt#and today i was reminded of chester arthur and the fact that he was a sanguine#and it was super helpful actually#the guy dealt with some devastating losses (specifically his wife)#he had big emotions (i think camreth would have better self-control)#but then he'd just keep doing things and making friends and distracting himself#i'm also expanding camreth's character by considering some scarlet pimpernel and robin hood connections#he's not just a terrified fugitive hiding from all eyes#he's got a bit of a con artist side#a touch of the trickster#a friendliness that can charm people so they don't question him too closely#perhaps some joy in the art of disguise#which is helpful as i try to imagine how he survives when he's not inside zemma's tower#but the chester arthur connection is the funniest and most out-of-the-blue#adventures in writing#arateph
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Thinking about Amy instead of sleeping.
#rose rambles#I've only seen through s5#But. Amy. I do love her. She's practically Made of ill advised choices.#Running away with the Doctor in the dead of night before her wedding day. For example.#Her family took her to psychiatrists and she bit them all. Evidently her family and neighbours didn't think she was sound of mind#even if they found it sort of charming. In a weird way. And that's obviously affected how she's lived her life.#Like#people don't necessarily trust her mind. What she thinks. No one ever believed her about the Doctor. And they taught her to believe that too#But they do think she's beautiful. And through that she can assert her autonomy. So she becomes a kissogram.#Which. We all saw how it was framed. They made her a family friendly sex worker.#And is it any wonder that she tries to fuck the Doctor then? He left her for all those years. And that absence changed the way her community#saw her forever.#So she assert control how she knows how.#Anyways this is to say. I love her. And I think she should make more bad decisions forever.#Curtis described her ethics as “negotiable” once and yeah sjdndj
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#im so sorry lmfao with these#i had to make higher quality ones oh my good look at them they are SO DISGUSTING#look at the way they look at each other. thats so fucked up#theyre literally committing terroristic acts and this is how they interact i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate this show#there is definitely something to be said abt londos body language when he gets nervous#because he does the same kind of thing to morden and cartagia#and unfortunately i just find it really endearing#its like he over compensates and tries to be over friendly or over pleasing to the other#the touching the gazes hes trying to make himself trustworthy yet vulnerable enough to either#dodge accountability or kind of go belly up at them. especially cartagia#with refa here hes peacocking. trying to assure refa that its all in londos control and he'll take care of it and that hes confident#he peacocks his power a lot with refa at the start#he wants to prove himself but its obvious refas plans start to become too much for him#londo#refa
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anyway as soon as i pry myself off this couch im gonna share some screenshots of bg3 protags on my sideblog. just gotta like. reach the desk first.
#all i can think about is the shelves im gonna get installed here over the next little bit fdghj#yall dont understand its so hard to keep things clean and brain friendly when you just dont have anywhere to put stuff.#hellish#& then i get overwhelmed and turn into a massive bitch when i try to get it under control fdgh#instead its been like. 2 straight days of dopamine i fucking swear?? my body probably definitely wouldnt let me do this for a living#(my hip is screamingggg dfghgjj) but actually if i could & if i could work in a team then yeah. ykw i enjoy it.#organization go brrrrrrr#i dont think she was expecting me to work that fast either but ive been like a feral animal. skittering over clutter.#finding Spots for Things#okay i lied the flood was actually beneficial in one way to me specifically.#estranged father just forgot a Bunch of tool sets here & ive claimed them now fdghjk#that nail gun is MINE#she suggested i look out for an actual tool chest/bench thing (ykw the ones with wheels and stuff) for everything and i havent been that#excited for anything in months fdgh tools are expensive alright. too bad he took the table saw.#i dont talk much abt my Masc Hobbies as i call them lmao no real reason to but hoooboy i love to Build Things#give me that ikea desk ill have it done in an hour or less every time#maybe trade school is still on the horizon for me gfhj always wanted to Weld Stuff i think id be good at it#as much as i fuckin loathe yard maintenance i was a real garage sooooo bad its not even funny#shame i wasnt just inherently expected to know car stuff tm i feel like i would have loved it too#scarrier to learn on your own later in life especially with a lease vehicle but ill get there eventually#anyway yeah bg3! new mods. new ocs#have not done much with them yet but they Exist and theyre pretty
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grabbing leon by the hair and dragging him around like my security blanket <3
#the bows get to live the DREAM of manhandling that man#currently thinking of some big bastard... like simmons' wolf dog phase thing?#just sitting on top of him so he can't move but otherwise leaving him unharmed#just very confused#and god that dog STINKS#maybe this bioweapon is designed like a security guard#it takes a liking to leon for some reason or another (pisses off its creator)#and is kinda a little too kidnappy > protective lol#which the creator sees as a failed project and tries for a less obsessive version in later trials#the bioweapon refuses to hand over kennedy because that is ITS toy!!!!#creator would love to have a hostage but that dog's the one making deals#creator... tries but it's clear they've no control over the beast#.... jill for some reason is the one to tame this beast.... get friendly with it so leon can get tf away#beast is sad....#do they kill it? does leon visit it while its studied in captivity?
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I can't sleep again.
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#лёва паспрабуе АДК#it's not about that. i'm just tired.#(stayed up too late for the first time in a while)#well... it compounded the issues.#i look like some guy with my blurry vision and yet its not enough and i dont know WHY#i do know why. have you ever not been seen?#flipped the coin from independence within my grasp to nothing is ever going to get me out of here#not even 'getting out of there' got me out#i can't wait for guard season again but i'm worried it's only going to put me right back into the depression mines#... seasonal depression notwithstanding#i need to make a choice at auditions and its whether i will be out; as me - and hopefully have a better season because of it#or just... stay like this. forever.#... my consult is right before second auditions pretty much. schedule that month is looking full..#anyways its not fair of me to expect anyone to check in on me#especially when one of my housemates seems to ... Also be going through it#and i can tell you now which of us is actually likely to talk about it and its NOT me#i'm not built for this idk. i never should have taken her up on that job offer.#...... i'm thinking about relapsing again. more seriously considering it.#i KNOW it's not good i KNOW it won't help but i dont know what fucking else will!!!!#remember when it felt like i was getting hobbies again?? so much for that..#.. i need to pull life into my *own* control but i need help to get there#and i can't even imagine being fully independent#... even if i'm taking all the right steps to get there#the MOST annoying revelation was that i could Maybe Actually benefit from therapy and the second most was that if i tell her this there is#almost no way any therapist she finds will be queer friendly#going to dig myself out of it. as always. mostly just not pushing myself right now but GOD does it suck.
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