#controlling behavior

[shadowsofcontrol]

"You should forgive them and move on." Forgiveness is a personal choice and not a requirement for healing. For some survivors, it may come in time, but for others, it may never feel right—and that’s okay. Telling someone to forgive their abuser minimizes the pain they’ve endured and implies that healing can only happen if they let go. Instead, focus on supporting their journey, whatever that looks like for them.

[ninjakittycomics]

controlling tactic to isolate you

These videos cross apply.

Sure, her thing is supporting the survivors of narcissistic abuse(especially cuz we don't really talk about it)

However, i have dated 2 and lived with at least one, who behaved controllingly, and wanted to isolate me cuz something i did made them feel good.

And how dare i spend any time with anyone else. And relationships got bent, and classes got disrupted, and i got particular shit from my one ex about why do i see my family, how dare.

And it comes in lots of tiny punishment forms. (Including weaponized incompetence.. "you left me alone and i made a mess cuz you didnt tell me not to!" )

And others listed on the video.

She's not interested in shaming people who stay in those relationships. She's interested in letting you know "this is why you feel crazy when you talk to them".

To give you back piece of your own mind.

[ausetkmt]

YourTango: 15 Phrases Manipulative People Use To Make You Trust Them

Master manipulators have a way of drawing you in so that you feel obligated to stick by their sides, no matter what they’ve done to you. This is because they have become acquainted with what exactly they should say when you attempt to call them out on their toxic behavior. 

If anyone has ever said one of the following phrases to you, you may be a victim of their manipulation tactics. 

1. 'You don’t trust me?'

Manipulative people usually only say this when they have something to hide. It is often used to back their victims into a corner. 

If you feel pressured and respond with, “Yes, I trust you,” then the manipulator has permission to keep doing whatever is causing you to feel wary of them in the first place. Responding with, “No, I don’t trust you,” puts your entire relationship in jeopardy even though you were truthful. 

When someone says, “Don’t you trust me?” what they are actually saying is, “I’m going to guilt you by asking for your reassurance to do something that I know will disrespect your boundaries.” 

RELATED: 11 Signs You’re A Highly Perceptive Person — And See The World Differently From Everyone Else

2. 'Everyone hates you, but I defend you and always have your back.'

Unless the manipulator has actually asked all 7.8 billion people in the world, there is no confirmation that everyone hates you. When people are attempting to manipulate you, they may often say this phrase to turn you against everyone so that they can have you all to themselves. 

They are also portraying themselves as your only option to turn to for help by claiming that everyone else hates you. This is known as “The White Knight Method.” This method ensures that the manipulator will be the savior in their victims’ eyes, although they are anything but. 

“What you do is pretty much create a problem for somebody and then solve it,” TikTok user Vanessa Irene (@thevanessairene) says in a video. 

“An extreme example of this is if you pay some girls to beat someone up, but they have to pretend to lose once you come in and start defending her.” 

Irene explains that when the manipulator makes it appear that they will always come to your rescue, even though they planned the entire situation to play out this way, they gain their victims’ trust instantly. 

“Immediately they’re like, ‘this person is on my side because she saved me,’” she says. “You don’t know that they created the problem, but you do know that they saved you.” 

3. 'No one understands you like I do.'

You know that this isn’t true because the reality is nobody understands you better than you understand yourself, regardless of how close you may be to someone. Nobody, not even a master manipulator, is a mind reader. 

However, they may like to claim this as a fact in order to make you feel as though you have no one else to turn to except them. 

RELATED: If You Notice These 5 Early Signs, Leave — He's Too Controlling

4. 'You’re paranoid.'

Telling someone that they are paranoid in response to concerns about your behavior falls under the manipulation tactic of gaslighting. Gaslighting makes one question the reality of the emotional abuse they are facing from the manipulator and doubt their valid worries. 

"If your partner says or does something to intentionally hurt you and you confront them at a later time, gaslighting would be if they said, 'That never happened' or 'Oh my goodness, you're crazy!'” Janika Veasley, the founder of Amavi Therapy Center told Insider. “The response is intended to not only deny, but also make you question if the scenario in fact happened.” 

5. 'Let me tell you a secret.'

This phrase may seem like an honor if someone says it to you because it makes you believe that they are trusting you with sensitive information. However, manipulators often use this phrase to reel in their victims. 

When the manipulator tells their victim a secret, the victim will feel or be prompted to start revealing their own secrets in exchange. The most unsettling part is that the manipulator will often tell a secret that is not even true. 

6. 'I have never felt connected to anyone else the way I do with you.'

While this may seem like a heartwarming phrase to hear from someone, it is usually a sign to set off the alarm bells. 

People may say this to manipulate another person's emotions or actions, such as to gain their trust, attention, or favor, even when they don't genuinely feel this way. They could also be using the phrase to play with the person’s emotions, keeping them emotionally attached while not being fully committed or sincere themself.  

RELATED: 4 Signs You Should Let Go Of A Pointless Relationship... Not Hold On Tighter

7. 'People who say bad things about me to you are just trying to tear us apart.'

Not everyone is going to like you and that’s okay. However, if you hurt them emotionally or physically, their reasons are valid. They may warn people who are currently in your life and tell them about their experiences with you as a common courtesy to them. 

This does not necessarily mean that they are attempting to tear you apart from them. However, manipulative people may believe so. 

By framing the negative comments as solely the result of others' actions, the manipulator deflects attention from their own behavior. 

This phrase can also be a form of emotional manipulation since it instills a sense of distrust toward anyone who has negative opinions about the manipulator, therefore isolating the victim from other perspectives and support networks. It also invalidates the potentially real concerns being shared by others. 

8. 'I am genuinely so sorry [about whatever issue is outside of their control].'

If a person apologizes for things that are completely out of their control, like the weather or bad traffic, it is actually a form of manipulation. 

By doing this, they are giving the false impression that they are understanding of things that are uncontrollable, which gets their victims to trust them more. 

RELATED: 5 Subtle Ways Controlling Partners Disguise Their True Selves

9. 'I’ve always been there for you.'

This phrase is often said by a manipulator when they want to trap their victims in the relationship. Even if they have always been by their victims’ side, it doesn’t mean they asked them to be. They certainly should not feel obligated to stick around because of a choice their manipulator made. 

Still, this phrase can instill a sense of guilt into some people, believing that they must reciprocate the actions their manipulator demonstrated to them. 

10. 'You’re the only person I am telling this to.'

In healthy and transparent communication, people should feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings without resorting to manipulative tactics. 

Manipulative people use this phrase to create a sense of false exclusivity and emotionally pressure their victims. It aims to make the victim feel special and unique as if they are the only ones to be trusted with such a thing, even if they have already told others. 

By emphasizing that the information is exclusive, the manipulator can apply emotional pressure on their victim, implying that they must react or respond in a specific way because they are the chosen confidant. 

11. 'You misunderstood what I said.'

Everyone is entitled to their own feelings and interpretations of the things that are said to them, whether they were intended to hurt them or not. 

When someone is hurt by something that a manipulative person said to them, the manipulative person will do anything to justify their actions, rather than reassuring them and comforting their victims. This phrase makes the victim feel as if they were in the wrong for simply having an opinion. 

RELATED: 5 Rare Signs You're A True Change Maker

12. 'I’m just trying to help you.'

This phrase only makes the manipulator — not you — feel better about themselves. 

The statement is used to guilt or pressure someone into accepting help they may not want or need, all while the manipulator can convince themselves that they are doing a good thing. 

For instance, if someone says that they need space or time alone to process their feelings, and you respond with, "I'm just trying to help you," while continuing to push your assistance, that is manipulative.

You may not know exactly how to help people in certain situations, and that’s okay. Admitting that you are unsure of how to help and asking what you can do for them is the best thing you could possibly do. 

13. 'You’re overthinking this — trust what I am saying.'

How can you trust someone who has time and time again crossed your boundaries by saying phrases like this? If you are feeling particularly overwhelmed by a situation, it is not uncommon to overthink. Your mind will likely jump to places that seem irrational and that other people may not understand. 

Related Stories From YourTango:

When this happens, people deserve reassurance and guidance, not someone insisting that they are overreacting. It manipulates them into thinking that they must trust their manipulator.

14. 'I feel the exact same way you do!'

This phrase may be comforting, however, you should be wary of anyone who immediately agrees with you without question. 

“If you want to gain someone’s trust and control over them, make sure that they are seeing themselves inside you,” TikTok user @mr.salvatore_offical explains in a video. “You need to copy their way of thinking, acting, and how they behave, which will lead them into believing everything you do and building trust towards you.” 

This causes a person to not only trust you but to subconsciously fall in love with you. 

Mr. Salvatore points out that if you truly want to manipulate someone into trusting you, nod your head as they are sharing their thoughts and feelings, acting as if you agree with everything they are saying. “It is like putting someone into a cage and closing it because, from that moment on, the person belongs to you.” 

15. 'I had a hard life, that’s why I behave the way I do.'

If you want to manipulate someone into immediately feeling sorry for you, this is the phrase that will do it. 

When people want to manipulate you into trusting them, they will give you a sob story about their upbringing, making you feel sorry for them and exploiting your good heart. 

They are also attempting to avoid responsibility for their actions by deflecting blame onto everyone but themselves and claiming to act the way they do entirely because of other people. They may imply that others owe them because of their difficult life, which is also a manipulative tactic.

In more extreme cases, people may use their life challenges to emotionally manipulate others into providing support, financial assistance or other favors. They might claim that others should help them due to their difficult past. 

While some of these phrases may not have malicious intent, manipulative tactics can be noticed over time, depending on how well you know the person. It is essential to look out for yourself by avoiding manipulative people and protecting your well-being. 

RELATED: 4 Biggest Signs You're In Love With A Clinical Narcissist

[femmefatalevibe]

Do u think you should have ur significant others location?

If it's for safety, I think it's smart to have someone know where their significant other is (going out late at night to a less lively area, in an unknown neighborhood/city/country, meeting someone who they don't fully trust, getting a medical procedure, etc.). But, this tactic isn't reserved for a SO – any trusted loved one should be able to ensure you're safe while embarking on a certain journey or meeting up with someone new/not emotionally safe for them.

Otherwise, this could be a sign of obsession/codependency and controlling behavior– depending on the partner, their reason for wanting your location, and intentions with having their SO's location, etc.

If you don't trust your significant other why are you even committed to them in the first place? That's my high-level perspective on the matter.

[stories-and-tea]

I've seen all the different arguments defending the (*ahem* inexcusable) behaviour of Aziraphale going back to heaven. And while some of them may have merit, after torturing myself entirely too many times rewatching that last 10 minutes I finally noticed, both Aziraphale and Crowley have ONCE AGAIN just been played by the ever manipulative heaven.

Hear me out...

The heavenly powers that be are determined to end the world. They tried once with the anti-christ but that didn't work because... why was that again?...oh right, the almighty power of Crowley and Aziraphale.

We then saw early on in this season that their forces combined are outrageously strong - performing a miracle of 25 lazerii when they were trying to be inconspicuous.

Heaven now wants to end the world again, but they know that Crowley and Aziraphale will absolutely try to stop them (and will almost certainly succeed!). So, what is a heavenly host to do?

Enter, the all powerful Metatron, deigning to grace these lesser angels, this deserter, even a demon, with his presence. And look, I even bought you a coffee. A fancy coffee! I know how much you like earthly delights. Aren’t I nice? Then they need to talk, but lets do it outside the nice quiet bookshop. Lets go out, to a busy outdoor restaurant table. Sure, because that makes sense. But of course it does, it's away from Crowley! And did you see the look the Metatron gave Crowley as they left?!

The Metatron actively moves Aziraphale away from Crowley (the one person who can see through heavens bullshit, and actually talk sense into Aziraphale). He then proceeds to butter Aziraphale up, tell him how wonderful he is, how he's the only man for the job, how much good he can do for the world, how he can help Crowley, all the things Aziraphale wants to hear. Then sends him back to Crowley ON HIS OWN to "tell him the good news" knowing full well it is going to result in Crowley getting upset. And with the Metatron not there, all of Crowleys anger is going to go directly on Aziraphale.

The Metatron even all but admits it when he comes back in completely unsurprised that Crowley didn't take it well. "Oh well, he always did want to go his own way." He knew exactly what the outcome would be. It's exactly the outcome he wanted. That's also why he then rushes Aziraphale into heading up to Heaven before he has a chance to process anything, change his mind, or try to talk to Crowley again. It is textbook manipulation and I think it is absolutely a purposeful plan to separate the two of them because Heaven knows that together, Crowley and Aziraphale are strong enough to take down both Heaven and Hell and stop Armageddon again and again and again.

Personally, I think that everything in the lead up to that episode said that Aziraphale was ready to move away from Heaven and move forward with Crowley and that terrified heaven. So they were manipulated and controlled by a very clever, master narcissist and that hurts on a personal level 😭

[shadowsofcontrol]

Abuse doesn’t have to be visible to be real. It’s the subtle “jokes” that chip away at your confidence. The constant phone checks, “just to make sure you’re okay.” The silent treatment when you step out of line. It’s all the quiet ways they make you smaller.

[riteaidofpassage]

Look. If you're poly and your disrespectful bf blows up my phone over his insecurities and your response is "I'm trying not to get involved" - let me explain something:

You're the entire reason I've even DEIGNED to talk with his deadass. I didn't have a queer relationship with that jackwagon. I * had * a relationship with * you. *

And the fact that you allow his controlling behavior and emotional vacillations designed to emotionally manipulate you instead of calling him out or holding him accountable, but you expect me to be held accountable for his insecurities?

HARD PASS

Everybody has their own issues, I've got my own, but you won't see me using my insecurities against another human, especially against another woman, ESPECIALLY to my own SPOUSE, and then have myself say "I'm trying not to get involved."

I will tell you what I think and I will do it as kindly as possible - assuming basic decency has also been reciprocated. But if you can't meet me at basic decency? - this ted talk is for you.

I'm so over people who enable shitty behavior from men and cry that they are oppressed as bisexuals. Take a look around at the world: we're all struggling and you're out there holding his nutsack when what both of you actually need is for you to stop catering to his emotional manipulations and grow tf up.

But hey, if he's the one for you? Good luck being his other mommy bc that is exactly what he's grooming you to be. And enjoy the shit shows that are coming your way if you think I was the problem because my ass will not be around when his deadass pulls the same shit all over again.

[kiwi]

as a former escape room host i highly recommend doing an escape room as a first date. its a great way to learn how ppl react under pressure and how well they collaborate with you right off the bat. also more than once ive seen people enter an escape room as a couple and exit broken up LOL its a fantastic litmus test

[chriswhodrawsstuff]

Oh Mister Sandman!

I made it a policy many years ago to never meet my heroes or indeed know too much about their personal lives. People are, after all, people, with their own desires and foibles and many are at best disappointing and at worst vile. I don’t want to rehash the story but I used to end up backstage at Cure concerts and spent so much time trying to avoid meeting him that it probably looked rude. I…

[sharkspez]

Badge: 💔💔💔

Everything started out great he gave me whatever i wanted, made me feel safe, nurtured me. I thought he was so perfect until he would start telling me I was never going anywhere, he owns me etc.

[matt-is-me]

Of course you need to be told how and when to touch yourself darling, you're too dumb and empty to do all that on your own!

You wanted it to be like this, remember? You begged to be a toy. And doesn't it feel soo good to follow my words and obey?~

[providencecounselor]

You Can’t Change Anyone — You Can Only Make Them Think

We can’t change anyone who doesn’t want or isn’t ready to change. While I was still doing drugs and drinking alcohol, many people wanted me to change. They needed me to change. When I got sober in 1989, I often heard a woman named Claire share, “I didn’t see the light. My ass was dragging, and I felt the heat”! This was me. The walls were closing in, and I felt like I had no options. I know that…

[hypno-matt]

Put a spiral in front of my face and watch how quickly my brain dissapears.

Whisper soft words and compliments into my ears as my mind goes blank.

Then snap your fingers and catch me as I fall completely asleep~

[shadowsofcontrol]

“You’re still not over it? It’s been months/years.” Healing from abuse isn’t something you can put on a timeline. Every survivor’s journey is different, and many carry the scars of trauma long after leaving the relationship. Comments like this dismiss the complexity of healing, making victims feel like they should ‘hurry up’ and get over it. Instead, offer patience and understanding. Healing takes time.

[beebfreeb]

If I saw a nutcracker nobody could stop me

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Ad-tech targeting is an existential threat

I'm on a 20+ city book tour for my new novel PICKS AND SHOVELS. Catch me TORONTO on SUNDAY (Feb 23) at Another Story Books, and in NYC on WEDNESDAY (26 Feb) with JOHN HODGMAN. More tour dates here.

The commercial surveillance industry is almost totally unregulated. Data brokers, ad-tech, and everyone in between – they harvest, store, analyze, sell and rent every intimate, sensitive, potentially compromising fact about your life.

Late last year, I testified at a Consumer Finance Protection Bureau hearing about a proposed new rule to kill off data brokers, who are the lynchpin of the industry:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/08/16/the-second-best-time-is-now/#the-point-of-a-system-is-what-it-does

The other witnesses were fascinating – and chilling, There was a lawyer from the AARP who explained how data-brokers would let you target ads to categories like "seniors with dementia." Then there was someone from the Pentagon, discussing how anyone could do an ad-buy targeting "people enlisted in the armed forces who have gambling problems." Sure, I thought, and you don't even need these explicit categories: if you served an ad to "people 25-40 with Ivy League/Big Ten law or political science degrees within 5 miles of Congress," you could serve an ad with a malicious payload to every Congressional staffer.

Now, that's just the data brokers. The real action is in ad-tech, a sector dominated by two giant companies, Meta and Google. These companies claim that they are better than the unregulated data-broker cowboys at the bottom of the food-chain. They say they're responsible wielders of unregulated monopoly surveillance power. Reader, they are not.

Meta has been repeatedly caught offering ad-targeting like "depressed teenagers" (great for your next incel recruiting drive):

https://www.technologyreview.com/2017/05/01/105987/is-facebook-targeting-ads-at-sad-teens/

And Google? They just keep on getting caught with both hands in the creepy commercial surveillance cookie-jar. Today, Wired's Dell Cameron and Dhruv Mehrotra report on a way to use Google to target people with chronic illnesses, people in financial distress, and national security "decision makers":

https://www.wired.com/story/google-dv360-banned-audience-segments-national-security/

Google doesn't offer these categories itself, they just allow data-brokers to assemble them and offer them for sale via Google. Just as it's possible to generate a target of "Congressional staffers" by using location and education data, it's possible to target people with chronic illnesses based on things like whether they regularly travel to clinics that treat HIV, asthma, chronic pain, etc.

Google claims that this violates their policies, and that they have best-of-breed technical measures to prevent this from happening, but when Wired asked how this data-broker was able to sell these audiences – including people in menopause, or with "chronic pain, fibromyalgia, psoriasis, arthritis, high cholesterol, and hypertension" – Google did not reply.

The data broker in the report also sold access to people based on which medications they took (including Ambien), people who abuse opioids or are recovering from opioid addiction, people with endocrine disorders, and "contractors with access to restricted US defense-related technologies."

It's easy to see how these categories could enable blackmail, spear-phishing, scams, malvertising, and many other crimes that threaten individuals, groups, and the nation as a whole. The US Office of Naval Intelligence has already published details of how "anonymous" people targeted by ads can be identified:

https://www.odni.gov/files/ODNI/documents/assessments/ODNI-Declassified-Report-on-CAI-January2022.pdf

The most amazing part is how the 33,000 targeting segments came to public light: an activist just pretended to be an ad buyer, and the data-broker sent him the whole package, no questions asked. Johnny Ryan is a brilliant Irish privacy activist with the Irish Council for Civil Liberties. He created a fake data analytics website for a company that wasn't registered anywhere, then sent out a sales query to a brokerage (the brokerage isn't identified in the piece, to prevent bad actors from using it to attack targeted categories of people).

Foreign states, including China – a favorite boogeyman of the US national security establishment – can buy Google's data and target users based on Google ad-tech stack. In the past, Chinese spies have used malvertising – serving targeted ads loaded with malware – to attack their adversaries. Chinese firms spend billions every year to target ads to Americans:

https://www.nytimes.com/2024/03/06/business/google-meta-temu-shein.html

Google and Meta have no meaningful checks to prevent anyone from establishing a shell company that buys and targets ads with their services, and the data-brokers that feed into those services are even less well-protected against fraud and other malicious act.

All of this is only possible because Congress has failed to act on privacy since 1988. That's the year that Congress passed the Video Privacy Protection Act, which bans video store clerks from telling the newspapers which VHS cassettes you have at home. That's also the last time Congress passed a federal consumer privacy law:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Video_Privacy_Protection_Act

The legislative history of the VPPA is telling: it was passed after a newspaper published the leaked video-rental history of a far-right judge named Robert Bork, whom Reagan hoped to elevate to the Supreme Court. Bork failed his Senate confirmation hearings, but not because of his video rentals (he actually had pretty good taste in movies). Rather, it was because he was a Nixonite criminal and virulent loudmouth racist whose record was strewn with the most disgusting nonsense imaginable).

But the leak of Bork's video-rental history gave Congress the cold grue. His video rental history wasn't embarrassing, but it sure seemed like Congress had some stuff in its video-rental records that they didn't want voters finding out about. They beat all land-speed records in making it a crime to tell anyone what kind of movies they (and we) were watching.

And that was it. For 37 years, Congress has completely failed to pass another consumer privacy law. Which is how we got here – to this moment where you can target ads to suicidal teens, gambling addicted soldiers in Minuteman silos, grannies with Alzheimer's, and every Congressional staffer on the Hill.

Some people think the problem with mass surveillance is a kind of machine-driven, automated mind-control ray. They believe the self-aggrandizing claims of tech bros to have finally perfected the elusive mind-control ray, using big data and machine learning.

But you don't need to accept these outlandish claims – which come from Big Tech's sales literature, wherein they boast to potential advertisers that surveillance ads are devastatingly effective – to understand how and why this is harmful. If you're struggling with opioid addiction and I target an ad to you for a fake cure or rehab center, I haven't brainwashed you – I've just tricked you. We don't have to believe in mind-control to believe that targeted lies can cause unlimited harms.

And those harms are indeed grave. Stein's Law predicts that "anything that can't go on forever eventually stops." Congress's failure on privacy has put us all at risk – including Congress. It's only a matter of time until the commercial surveillance industry is responsible for a massive leak, targeted phishing campaign, or a ghastly national security incident involving Congress. Perhaps then we will get action.

In the meantime, the coalition of people whose problems can be blamed on the failure to update privacy law continues to grow. That coalition includes protesters whose identities were served up to cops, teenagers who were tracked to out-of-state abortion clinics, people of color who were discriminated against in hiring and lending, and anyone who's been harassed with deepfake porn:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/12/06/privacy-first/#but-not-just-privacy

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2025/02/20/privacy-first-second-third/#malvertising

Image: Cryteria (modified) https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:HAL9000.svg

CC BY 3.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/deed.en