#could not think of any particular obsessions but i AM very much in my peanut butter ramen phase again so that counts

[readingloveswounds]

I was tagged by @fluencylevelfrench, thank you!

last song? - Savage Ga$p x KAMAARA ft Witchouse 40k - blood+

favourite colour? - dark red

last movie/tv show? - The Girl From the Other Side / とつくにの少女 (highly recommend!)

currently watching? - Old Awful Squad (PUBG) stream videos from Polygon

sweet/spicy/savoury? - it really depends but i think most consistently savory

relationship status? - single

current obsession? - ramen where you make the broth with peanut butter

last thing i googled? - LOL this is tragic: Postdoctoral Teaching Fellowship [school name]

I'm tagging: anyone who wants to ! (because I'm lazy, but do feel free to tag me in it to see)

[paperpocalypse]

pb & m.

50 Wordless Ways to Say “I Love You”: 4. Making their favorite meal when they are having a hard day.

Pairing: Five Hargreeves x Reader 

Word Count: 2,749 words

Warnings: Referenced animal death/gore

“Are you sure he’s okay?”

Klaus sighs loudly, bringing his foot up to his face with practiced ease. “He’s probably just stewing over his training again,” the boy says, flexing his toes gingerly before blowing on his big toe. You purse your lips at his words, screwing the cap of black nail polish shut, and Klaus looks up at you from underneath his eyelashes. “It’s Five, [Y/n]. You should see him when you leave for the weekend. Total shut in.”

“But he hasn’t even come down for lunch or supper.” Setting the nail polish down, you tuck your knees up towards your chest, brow furrowing. “I mean, he doesn’t usually do that, does he?”

“I dunno. Sometimes!” Klaus exclaims, throwing his hands up. “You know, he talks all the time about what a mess I am, but he’s hardly more functional than me.”

You frown at him, eyes narrowing. “You don’t skip meals when I’m gone, do you?”

He waves you off. “Of course not. But that’s not the point. The point is, Five is a broody boy obsessed with his powers, so don’t be surprised if he wants to be alone for a day or a week.”

“He’s not a loner.”

“Well, he tries to be more sociable when you’re here.”

“No.” You pause, resting a cheek on one knee. “I’d still like him even if he wasn’t.”

Klaus just raises his eyebrows, sending another gust of air toward his toes.

The black and red stripes on his nails are settling quite nicely, but the success doesn’t make you as proud as it usually would. You chew your lip and look at the closed door. Normally, during this time in the late evenings, you wouldn’t be surprised if Five blinked through, supposedly to take back something Klaus had snuck from his room or to make sure neither of you “had died” – though you’ve always had the sneaking suspicion that he just wanted to hang out with you and Klaus, since he’d stay a little longer after confirming that you and Klaus were, in fact, still alive. No such visit tonight. In fact, you’ve barely seen him all day.

The thought dampens your mood quite a bit.

The next thing you know, Klaus propels himself to a stand.

“Where are you going?” you ask, blinking as he stretches and gives you a particular look.

“More like where are you going,” he replies, sighing. He grabs a hold of your wrist and starts tugging. “If you’re going to pine after Five all night, you might as well do something about it. Go … pop in and see what he’s up to.”

Break into Five’s room? Even though it’s tempting, you shake your head vigorously, ignoring the pining part. “You said he wanted to be alone. He might get mad at me.”

“He can’t get mad at you. He’d die of guilt.”

Klaus continues to pull on your arm until you’re sure it’ll come off if you stay on the floor. You give him an imploring look as you stand up, though the thought of checking up on Five is sounding more and more necessary by the second.

“Klaus –”

All the boy does is say your name right back as he throws the door open, nudging you outside into the dimly lit hallway. “Go have your quality time and come back when you’re done.”

“Are you sure –”

“He’ll be ecstatic. Especially if I’m not there.” And with that, Klaus shoos you off with a smile, closing the door.

Now alone, you look down the empty hallway, feeling mildly exposed and hoping that Five doesn’t come down the stairs right at this moment. There’s no doubt in your mind that you’re going to go up there, but … it’d make more sense if Klaus checked up on him, wouldn’t it? No matter how well you get along with Five, he and Klaus are brothers. They know each other a lot better than you probably ever will.

You should get him some food.

Inhaling sharply, you turn on your heel and make your way down the stairs, trying to make much less noise than you usually would – though you doubt anybody would care too much about a squeaking step, travelling through the Hargreeves mansion, especially down to the kitchen at night, still makes you wary of making your presence too big sometimes.

The air gets a bit chillier as you descend the last stretch of stairs leading to the basement, going faster as you get closer to the ground. Strangely, the lights in the kitchen are already on; you skip the last step and hurry through the gaping hole in the wall, curious.

Number Seven looks up from the table as you enter the kitchen, her surprised expression mirroring yours.

“Vanya?” you blurt.

She opens her mouth, then closes it, and you look down at the ingredients spread across the table. A jar of peanut butter, a half-finished bag of wonder bread. A bag of marshmallows – the mini ones used for rice krispies. Intrigued, you venture closer. You didn’t know Vanya had a sweet tooth.

(Suddenly, you realize that you don’t know much about her at all.)

“What are you doing down here?” you ask as you approach the table.

She looks at you, still a bit wide-eyed, then looks down at the slice of bread in her hand. “Um,” she starts, then pushes forward, “I was … Five missed dinner and lunch, so I was going to make him something to eat.”

“Really?” You beam, glad that she had the same idea. You could go together. “So was I. Mind if I help?”

For a moment, Vanya hesitates. But then she nods cautiously, smiling a little, and you give a thumbs up and head over to the utensil drawer. Opening it up, you take a moment to try to attract one of the butter knives to your hand, but after it does nothing more than quiver a bit, you sigh and pick it up with a finger.

“Five really likes peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches,” Vanya explains when you walk back to the table. “They’re his favorite.”

“Really? I didn’t know that.”

You fetch a bread slice from the bag and set it on the cutting board, then, after peeking over at Vanya’s work, scoop up a big glob of peanut butter and slather it onto the bread. She sprinkles some marshmallows on top of hers and squishes another slice on top of the marshmallows. You follow her lead exactly. The minute or two that you spend making the sandwich are all wordless, very unlike when you and Klaus are together, but you find yourself enjoying them either way.

“Maybe we could bring him a drink, too? What do you think?” you ask.

She nods. “There’s apple juice in the fridge.”

—

The presentation isn’t anything fancy, but it gets the job done, and you get the task of carrying the cup of apple juice while Vanya holds onto the sandwiches.

“I hope it’s okay,” Vanya murmurs after she knocks on Five’s door, shifting on her feet.

Even though you’re wondering the same thing, you instinctively nod your head. “Don’t worry,” you whisper back. “We did a good job.”

She looks over at you out of the corner of her eye and manages a small smile in return. Right after that, the door opens.

You immediately feel a bit better upon seeing Five; however, the happiness gives way to concern when you see his expression.

Five looks at the two of you, then at the plate in Vanya’s hands and the cup in yours, before speaking.

“Now’s not a good time.”

His tone isn’t cruel or dismissive. But it is a little dry, and very heavy and tired, and you bite your lip to keep yourself from telling him so.

Vanya’s face falls.

You’re unable to stay quiet any longer when both siblings’ gazes move away from the other. “Five,” you say, reaching out to touch Five’s shoulder gently. “Vanya’s been really worried about you. And me, too. We, um, wanted to bring you something to eat.”

The boy glances at Vanya again, who seems to have shrunk a little but still nods, and to your relief, his lips purse. He finally backs away from the door to let the two of you through.

“I’m not hungry,” he says, heading back to his desk. “… But thanks.”

Trailing after Vanya, you inspect Five’s room as you walk in. The walls are already crammed with chalky equations and notes and graphs, none of which you can begin to understand. When you look over at the corner where Five is, you spot the wastebasket next to his desk, filled to the brim with crumpled notebook paper.  Klaus was partly right, you think with worry. You’re not completely surprised.

You make your way over to Five and put the cup of apple juice on his desk, right next to the plate of peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches. “You need to eat to think better,” you plead when he looks at you. “Right, Vanya?”

“I put lots of marshmallows,” she adds. “And I showed [Y/n] how to make one for you too.”

“I might’ve put too much peanut butter,” you mutter, scratching the back of your neck.

“That’s fine.”

You crack your brightest grin. “Famous last words, Five.”

He shrugs and turns back to his work. The two of you wait expectantly, albeit somewhat awkwardly, watching Five stare at his math and the textbook propped up against the wall in front of him. The end of his pen taps against the open pages of his notebook: tap tap tap tap tap. But he doesn’t write. You don’t think he even blinks. Troubled, you share a glance with Vanya; this time, it’s she who nods at you, reassuring.

Finally, Five sighs and puts his pen down. You don’t know if you’re glad or feel bad for it. Maybe both.

“Do you want us to leave?” Vanya ventures to ask.

He shakes his head, raking his fingers through his hair. “Stay,” he mutters, standing up. He picks up the cup of apple juice and takes a gulp, then grabs the plate and strides across the room to his bed. “Just in case my jaw is glued shut from [Y/n]’s sandwich.”

Vanya suppresses a snort. Your mouth drops open.

“Hey!”

Still, the joke – a Five joke, but a joke nonetheless – brings a cautious but real smile to your face as Five sits on the edge of his bed, taking a bite out of one of the sandwiches. You don’t know which one is yours and which one is Vanya’s. Not that it matters, unless his jaw really does get glued shut because of the peanut butter. You’ll shoulder the blame in that case.

(… Could your jaw get glued shut from peanut butter?)

You gravitate toward the bed as Five eats, sitting down next to him; Vanya lingers by the desk a little longer, and you wave her over.

“Come sit, Vanya.”

She looks between the two of you, then obliges, going over to sit on the other side of Five. She rests her hands on top of the comforter, leaning back on them as Five finishes the first sandwich and starts on the next one.

“We barely saw you after joint training,” you say after a minute or so of watching him polish off one half of the sandwich. Not hungry, he said. His actions definitely say otherwise. “Have you been working all day?”

He gives a brief, affirming grunt.

Taking that as a sign to go on, you swing your legs slightly back and forth. “I missed seeing you,” you say.

You think you see Vanya’s expression shift in your peripheral, but she turns her head before you can make sure. You also think Five stops chewing for a split second, but there shouldn’t be a reason for him to be surprised, so you’re probably just imagining things.

Five is your friend. Of course you’d miss seeing him if he disappeared all day.

In any case, he finally speaks again once there’s just a single piece of crust left; and when he does, his voice is so low that you wonder if he’s talking to himself.

“I had a drawback today.”

Vanya furrows her brow. “What do you mean?”

Five stares down at the last scrap of crust, picking at a loose crumb. It falls onto the plate. “I could blink with mice on my first try. So Dad wanted me to blink with a dog today.” His voice remains low. “And I …”

For the first time today – and perhaps even this month – you witness Five’s expression crumple just the slightest bit. An uneasy feeling squirms in your chest.

“I botched it.”

“It’s … it’s okay, Five,” you try to comfort, “I’m sure you tried your –”

He shakes his head, cutting you off with a glare. “No,” he snaps, “you don’t get it. I botched it. I blinked with the dog and it turned inside out.”

Vanya’s eyes widen.

Your stomach turns.

So that’s why. Biting your lip, you stare at Five, horrified, trying desperately not to imagine what that had looked like. What that had felt like. Inside out. Sir Hargreeves doesn’t care for animals, you know that, but you didn’t think – you don’t know why you didn’t –

“I’m sorry, Five,” Vanya whispers as you hug Five, her voice shaky. “It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t mean to.”

“Yeah, well.” He shrugs blandly, and you tighten your hold, feeling how tense he actually is. “Intentions don’t mean anything if you screw it up in the end.”

He finishes the crust, moving away from your hug to put the plate on his nightstand. Vanya wipes her eyes. When he comes back, you reach for his hand and squeeze it.

“Thanks for telling us, Five,” you tell him softly.

If Five looked tired before, now he seems utterly drained. But the tension seems to have ebbed. Just a little. And after a few seconds, he squeezes your hand back; well, not really a squeeze, but his fingers tighten, just barely, around yours. He meets your eyes and you smile a small smile.

Vanya gives her brother a brief hug, then stands up. “We should go,” she tells you reluctantly, glancing at the alarm clock. “Dad’s going to check our rooms soon.”

Dammit, you hate curfew. “Yeah, you’re right.” You pull away, not quite liking how cold your hand feels when you let go. Quickly weighing your options, you wrap your arms around Five one last time and give him a quick peck on the cheek before standing up as well. “See you tomorrow, Five. Try to get some sleep?”

He just shrugs, looking at the equations on his wall. Oh. Hopefully, you think as you grab Vanya’s hand and open the door, you didn’t make him too uncomfortable. The door creaks loudly and you cringe.

With one last “goodbye” from the two of you, which he returns in a murmur, you and Vanya hurry out of Five’s room and head quietly down the stairs.

“I hope he feels better,” you whisper, letting go of Vanya’s hand to hold onto the railing.

“I think he does. A little bit, at least.”

You reach the bottom, hesitating before saying what’s on your mind. “Um, Vanya?”

“Mhmm?”

“You know Five really well, right?”

The girl blinks, then smiles a little proudly. “… Oh, well, I guess so.”

“Does Five not like hugs?” you worry. “I just – I kinda do it without thinking, you know, and I think I might’ve made him uncomfortable back there.”

Vanya stares at you openly for a moment, tilting her head. “Not usually,” she eventually responds. Then a corner of her mouth twitches upwards. “But … I think he likes yours.”

“Oh.” That makes you feel better. “That’s good.”

“You should ask him later, though.”

“Yeah, I will.”

Footsteps lighter, you head to your room across from the stairs and twist the doorknob, then stop short. That’s right – Klaus wanted you to come back after you visited Five. Gnawing the inside of your cheek, you figure that you’ll need to talk to him tomorrow morning, not wanting extra repetitions for loitering in the hallway. He’ll understand.

Pushing the door open, you look back at Vanya. “’Night, Vanya.”

She smiles, and you feel the warm glow of a newfound camaraderie with the seventh sibling.

“’Night.”

[purplesurveys]

1245

Serious question, peanut butter or nutella?  Oh you are just mean. Nutella is amazing as a filling or icing, but when it comes down to it I guess I look for peanut butter more often. I love both though.

Do you prefer baked potatoes or mashed potatoes?  Mashed. But baked potatoes are pretty good too; the only reason I didn’t pick it is that I don’t get to have it as often as I do mashed.

What is your oldest sibling’s middle name?  I’m the eldest sibling, but my sister, who comes after me, has Beatrice as her second name if that’s what you mean by middle name.

Do you like breadsticks?  Yes. The more cheesy-garlicky, the better.

What are your favorite things to spend money on?  Merch or food.

Which would you rather have a new puppy or kitten?  Puppy. Not the biggest fan of cats.

How old will you be on your next birthday?  24.

Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people?  If it’s the combination of having to be around people I’m not too close with, like workmates, and I’m eating something that tends to be messy, like jjajangmyeon, then yeah I can definitely feel conscious.

When you opened your eyes this morning, what were your first thoughts?  I fell asleep from 11 PM to around 3 AM and when I woke up then I thought  “ugh, I fell asleep early again?”

What is one thing in the room you’re in that reminds you of somebody?  My vape pen constantly reminds me of Andi because they were the one who gave it to me.

Could you ever be friends with somebody who was homophobic?  No.

Would you ever want to be a supermodel, or date one?  I did want to be one, at one point. It was all a matter of being stuck with the wrong crowd at the time lol.

Honestly, have you ever made fun of somebody so bad they cried?  Probably with my sister when we were very young.

Honestly, would you rather be complimented on your looks or intelligence?  Intelligence.

Have you ever purchased a pregnancy test, for yourself or otherwise? I never have.

You can get one thing, anything, for free right now. What do you pick? Why?  A 1 or 2 TB hard drive. My phone has reached the stage where I’m starting to have to constantly delete shit so I don’t reach the maximum storage, so I need someplace to dump all my photos and videos in to free up my phone.

Honestly, have you ever danced naked?  Nope.

What was the first illegal thing that you did? Did you get caught? I dunno...buy pirated movies? I didn’t get ‘caught’ since pirated movie stalls are widespread here anyway, so for the most part I’ve always been more concerned for them than I am for myself.

What is the home page on the computer you’re on?  Technically it’s supposed to be the Google home screen, but I have an extension that shows me my to-do list for the day.

Do you like to write poetry?  Nah, that’s always been my Achilles’ heel when it comes to writing.

Are your ears pierced?  Yup. Surprisingly enough they’ve never closed up despite never having worn earrings (clip-ons notwithstanding) in the last 13 years.

If so, were they pierced with a piercing gun, or with a sterile needle?  I’m not sure, since my mom had them pierced when I was a baby. I would guess piercing gun, though.

Do you wear makeup regularly? I never wear makeup.

Did you eat cereal for breakfast today?  I never have cereal unless I’m staying at hotels. It’s just never been something I look for.

When was the last time you tripped over something?  A box that was lying around in my room.

Any obsessive-compulsive tendencies?  I’ll sometimes get concerned with how many times I have to flick the switch of our hot water dispenser or open and close the refrigerator door before I feel completely satisfied...but I dunno if that counts.

Who was the last person you yelled at?  Technically...Angela? I was filming an unboxing video for a gift she randomly got me and I loved the gift so much I was yelling my excitement through the screen.

Why did you yell at them?  ^ That.

Favorite type of apple?  I don’t like fruits.

Ever seen live horse racing?  No, it’s not something that interests me.

How about live greyhound racing?  I don’t even know what that looks like.

What’s one thing, besides the obvious, that you couldn’t live without?  The arts, I guess. I need something to listen to, to watch, etc on a regular basis.

Have you ever touched a giraffe?  I don’t think so.

What does your mom call you?  Robyn, or the Filipino term parents use for their kids.

What stresses you out the most in life?  A particular client at work. We have a million campaigns going on for them at any given point so my life virtually revolves around that brand these days.

Do you play any PC games? What is your favorite?  Nope.

If you were pregnant, how would you tell the father? Well, that would depend on the circumstances. Did we want a baby? Was it a bad surprise, a happy surprise? I can't answer this with just one idea. < Yeah.

What’s the hardest level you can play on Guitar Hero?  If I’m using a Playstation controller, I can go Hard or Expert. But my finger coordination with the actual guitar controller is terrible and I fail most songs even at Easy.

What ever happened with you and your first boyfriend?  There was never any ‘boyfriend,’ but my first girlfriend and I have basically had a falling out and I haven’t talked to her in months, and I expect it to continue being that way.

What’s your favorite country song?  I don’t have any.

What is the worst thing a former boyfriend/girlfriend has done to you?  Putting her pride and anger first even when I’m obviously in a state of disstress or breakdown in front of her. That’s some emotional rollercoaster I’m glad I don’t have to deal with anymore.

What were you for Halloween last year?  Just Dora the Explorer again, which was a repeat from the year before that.

Are you feeling guilty for something?  I don’t think so; at least there isn’t anything I’m actively feeling guilty about at the moment.

Are you usually quiet or loud?  I think I’m in between? I’m pretty loud but I can space out at the most random moments hahaha.

How many hours do you spend on the computer a day?  This question always makes me wince at myself...I guess anywhere between 16-18 hours? The only time I put my laptop down is when I’m off to bed, but otherwise it’s constantly open.

What is the show that you watched when you were little, and you still do? I don’t think there is such a show.

Do your siblings text you?  Nope. We live under the same roof 24/7 so there’s been little need to text.

Do you want a small or big wedding?  Big.

Have you ever searched for your own house on Google Earth?  Yes, but that was when Google Earth was still super bare so I wasn’t able to see the actual house anyway, but just the general area where we’re located. I haven’t used Google Earth in years.

Who is your ex dating/talking to?  I don’t know and I hoooonestly could not care less.

Ever kissed someone who smokes?  Yep.

Does it take a lot for someone to annoy you?  Depends on my mood. I have my moments where it’s very easy for me to get irritated.

Do you own your own computer?  I mean it was bought for me, but I didn’t get it with money I earned.

Did you ever have to share a room with one of your siblings?  When my brother was starting to mature, my sister and I very very briefly experimented sharing a room, but it lasted like all of two weeks. My parents ultimately just transferred our balcony to a bedroom so that all three of us had our own rooms.

What noises in the room you’re in, do you hear at the moment?  An airplane is flying above me at the moment so I can hear its engine. I can also hear some crickets chirping and the faint barking of dogs.

Have you ever dated someone with longer hair than yours?  Yup.

What’s the biggest upcoming event for you?  I guess my second vaccine dose is kinda big? It’s happening this Friday.

What do you typically order from Wendy’s?  I rarely get Wendy’s tbh, but when I do I usually go for their Baconator.

Have you ever been given a lapdance by an actual stripper?  No, it’s not something I would be into.

What do you love most about yourself? Continued the next day because I am terrible at taking a survey in one go. I like that I don’t hesitate to do or buy things for my loved ones, not even inwardly. I guess it’s because my family has always lived very practically, so I want to make up for that by spoiling my friends.

Have you ever received a hickey from the last person you kissed?  Yes.

What are you doing right now?  I am supposed to be at work but it’s a relatively quiet day, so I’m here. I do have my screen split between Tumblr and my emails though, so that I’d be able to see if new work will come in hahaha.

What’s bothering you right now?  Quiet work days always make me anxious because it makes me think if I’m forgetting about something crucial.

What was the last thing you drank?  I literally just took a sip of my coffee before moving on to this question.

Be honest, do you like people in general?  Depends on the situation, I think. Like when I go to concerts, I know I’m around people I share the same interests with, so there’s a sense of solidarity that goes with that. But when I’m like...I dunno, lining up to get my license renewed at a government office, I know people there are in a rush and tend to get rude, and that makes me feel a little bit overwhelmed. I don’t think this is something I can generalize.

Do you want your tongue pierced?  No. Lip I can consider, but I have to pass on tongue. 

Do you change your phone background a lot?  I do these days, yeah.

Have you ever made someone so mad that they broke something?  Possibly.

Have you ever been strip searched?  I’ve been searched, but was never asked to strip.

Do you have a funny last name? Does anyone make fun of it?  No, it’s an ordinary surname.

Ever have a drug overdose? What did you OD on exactly?  Never.

Do you get sick of people who call themselves bipolar all the time? I get sick of people who call themselves bipolar, and of people who use ‘bipolar’ to describe someone else who just has your typical mood swings.

Describe your day so far in three words:  Business as usual.

What was the most stressful project you had so far/while in school? I was once designated as a leader for a science investigative project, which didn’t make sense because science was definitely not my strongest point. Needless to say it didn’t go well and I ended up being a terrible leader. Choose one- Butterfinger, Milky Way, Snickers:  Butterfinger, even though they’re a bitch to eat and chew.

Have you ever stepped in dog poop?  Maybe once or twice. It fortunately doesn’t happen a lot.

What was the last thing you spent money on?  I got Angela and Reena cheese tarts. The reason behind it was Jin held a VLIve last Monday and he had been eating egg tarts during the stream; and because I was happy to have watched my first Jin live, I got my friends cheese tarts hahaha. I don’t know a lot of places that sells good egg tarts so I settled for cheese tarts instead, which I think are better anyway.

Have you ever slept in the same bed with the last person you kissed?  Yeah.

Is there a guy that knows a lot about you?  I guess Hans? We personally don’t get to have a lot of heart-to-heart exchanges, but considering how Angela’s my greatest confidante I’m sure she has shared bits of my life to him, which I don’t mind.

Is there someone you just can’t imagine your life without?  I don’t really like answering this question anymore because the people that I’ve declared ‘for keeps’ have faded out of my life at some point. I’m a lot more guarded and self-preservation-y when it comes to this now.

Do you prefer Starbucks coffee or small cafe coffee?  Ooooh, both. I love coffee.

Would you ever consider getting a piercing in your septum?  No.

Do you enjoy being outdoors?  If the weather is nice, yes.

Do people tell you that you have an accent?  I mean I’ve been told my English is strong, but my accent in particular doesn’t really get noted.

Do you enjoy watching fireworks on the 4th of July?  I don’t celebrate that.

What’re some unspeakable subjects for you?  I don’t like talking about my brother. Otherwise I am pretty open about everything.

Is there anyone you would take a bullet for?  Several people come to mind.

Do you enjoy tanning?  If I’m at the beach, sure. It’s honestly not something I have to constantly keep up with, though, since I’m already naturally tan enough. Are you a virgin?  No.

Who’s your celebrity crush?  Taehyung :(

Did or do you get good grades in English class?  I always got pretty good grades in English.

What part of your body are you self-conscious about?  Teeth, and my legs sometimes.

Are you expected to help fix Thanksgiving dinner?  I don’t celebrate that.

Have you ever lost anyone close to cancer?  Yes.

Do you personally know anyone who is transgender?  Yes.

When was the last time you got a shot?  Last month, then I’m getting my second dose tomorrow.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #421

“hunted by hundreds and never to be caught  /  descent to wander, bring terror and take 'em all beyond”

Which do you prefer, donut holes, jelly filled donuts or normal donuts? Normal donuts. When you get old, are you going to make a will? I mean probably. Ever made your own definition for something on Urban Dictionary? No. What do you call your grandparents? "Grammy" and "Grampa." Do you like weddings? Not especially because I'm a bitter fuck. Do you want to live in a dorm in college? I never wanted to, so I never did. Have you ever had your tonsils taken out? No. Are you single/taken/crushing/confused? Single/confused. Is your best friend single? Yes. Is your first real best friend still there for you? I mean we have one another on Facebook, but that's the extent of it. Do you still care for your first love? Very much. I hope he's doing okay since his mother passed. What color is your blanket? Navy with black swirls. Are you listening to music right now? Yes. I am obseeeeeessed with Alissa White-Gluz's cover of Powerwolf's "Demons Are a Girl's Best Friend." Have you ever felt as if you lost your one true love? I feel like that all the time. But I should add that I don't believe there is JUST ONE person designed for you. There are way, way too many people on this earth to have just a single, perfect match. Which do you like better: Bowser, Mario, Luigi, or Princess Peach? Well I mean I always picked Luigi in Mario Kart, so I got a bias, ha ha. How many tattoos do you have? Six. Plenty, PLENTY more to come, though. Would you ever consider getting a mohawk? No. What do you like to do most in your free time? Do random shit on the computer. What’s your work title? Unemployed. Do you pay rent? I don't. What was the reason behind the last time you wore a bandage? I cut my finger opening up a cup of yogurt. Yes, I'm serious. What music artist have you listened to a lot lately? Powerwolf, lately. And Motionless In White. Who is taller, you or your best friend? Me. When was the first time you ever listened to your favorite music artist? Well, as a little kid, Mom would play some Ozzy in the car occasionally, and I actually loved "Perry Mason" so much that I would ask for her to play it. Growing up I'd obviously heard "Crazy Train" through random things, but I never truly listened to him until I got into middle school and went through my mother's CD case, discovering new music as I got into rock and metal. Do/did your siblings cause trouble? Nah, not really. If your siblings are old enough, what do they do for work? I honestly don't remember my half-siblings' positions, but my immediate younger sister is a children's social worker, and my older sis is a mammographer. Have you ever been jealous of your siblings? Jealous, no. Envious, extremely. They know what the hell they're doing with their lives and making shit happen. Do you still live with your parent/s or do you live alone/with a partner? I live with my mother. What feeling do you have the most difficulty in expressing? Jealousy. How do you think you would handle yourself in a crisis situation? Freeze up and probably die lol. Does any particular season make you happier than others? Why/why not? Yes, autumn. It's not hot as fuck, the air always feels so fresh to me, and I love the many colors of fall. It's just... chill. Can you adapt to change easily? Any examples? FUCK. NO. Do you see yourself as worthy of love? Why/why not? This answer can change from "yes, because I'm a good human" to "fuck no because I'm worthless" in 0.5 seconds. Do you think you are competitive? Do you really dislike losing? Not in general, but I can be in some areas. What would you be famous for? Fuck if I know. If you had to, would you rather dye your hair red or black? Red. I loved my hair when it actually took red dye well. What do you typically do on Easter Day? Go to my older sister's house. Have you ever viewed the moon through a telescope? No. Do you normally finish one book before starting another? Always. If you were given the chance to be immortal, would you take it? Heeeeeell no. Would you pierce your nipples for $100? Almost certainly yes; I mean that's $100 for something I can just take out if I don't like it. Have you ever dated someone who had a child? No. Would you ever consider adoption? Even if I wanted a child, no. I know I would need either the blood connection or for the child to be my partner's that I truly love. Do you tend to go for guys/girls with certain eye/hair colors? No, I really don't care how you look on the outside. Do you know anyone who plays guitar? Yes. Do you live within an hour of the ocean? More like two hours. What are you currently sitting/laying on? My bed. Have you ever dated a friend of one of your siblings? No. Did you have an imaginary friend as a child? An imaginary wolf, yeah. Which parent do you look most like? My mom, I think. Ever failed a test? Yes. That's all I did in algebra during my last college attempt. Do you have any friends who are famous? No. Your most recent ex breaks down and tells you they love you, what do you do? Well I know she loves me as a friend, but idk if she still does romantically, but either way, I'd tell her I love her too and ask if I can do anything for her. You and your last ex: who should hate who? Neither of us. We have a perfectly fine relationship. Do you believe you pick who you fall in love with? Definitely not. Last thing you ate? I had a peanut butter sandwich for breakfast. Are you obsessed with someone? *discreetly eyes Markiplier* If you had to write a brief message on a dollar bill that many people would eventually see as the currency circulates, what message would you write? I'd have to think longer on this, but definitely something about not putting so much worth into the money and not allowing greed to rule the individual. What serves as the greatest motivation for you in your daily life? The hope for a happy, prosperous future. If you were a multimillionaire, what do you believe you would be doing at this very moment? Well, it's morning and this is my prime time to really just chill and do my first scope of the Internet, so I'd probably be in a beautiful house in the woods of the mountains by a beautiful waterfall. I'd have the windows down to listen to nature, make sure via AC if necessary that it's cool... Damn, that sounds nice. If you could have a cookie jar full of anything you wanted, except money or cookies, what would it be full of? Hm. Perhaps a very motivational quote that I'd draw each day, kind of like fortune cookies, but actually good and applicable, ha ha. If someone were looking for you in a bookstore, in what section would they be most likely to find you? YA or fiction. If your ex came up to you and asked you to take them back, what would you say? Anyone but Jason or Sara would be an automatic "no." Jason would have to really prove himself. Sara, I'd be willing, but would ask her if that's what she really wants given our positions right now. Do you think Ke$ha is annoying? I don't know anything about her personally. I actually liked her music back in the day, even when I was all about metal. Last time you were hit on? No idea. Do you ever write in pencil any more? I always do if I have that option. I don't like that you can't erase with a pen. If you HAD to get a piercing (not ears) what would you get? At this current time, my right nostril again. What do you wish you had more knowledge about? Politics. Would you ever get someone's name tattooed on you? Noooo. Do you have a lot of scars? Yes. I scar very easily. Have you ever had stitches? Twice. Have you ever dealt with a divorce or parents fighting or any kind of abuse at home? Before my parents divorced, there was a lot of fighting. Do you remember the person you first kissed? Of course I do. Have you ever kissed someone you weren’t dating? No. Who was the last person you fell asleep with? Sara. Have you ever listened to music you hated just to fit in? "Hated," no. I just tried to get into bands that I just couldn't, but didn't hate. Ever been called babe? Yeah. What is your favorite Pop-Tart flavor? Chocolate sundae. Have you ever made your parents cry? Yeah, sadly. Do you wear glasses? Yeah. And yet I'm still blind with 'em. Have you ever made out with somebody on a bed? Yeah. Are you tan? Most definitely not. How did you meet the last person you texted? She kinda like, gave birth to me. Next big event? My nephew's fifth birthday. Ugh, how is he getting that old. Do you think you have to be skinny in order to be beautiful? Fuck off, no. There are some gorgeous/attractive plus-sized people. Have you ever made out on a couch? Yes. Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? Oh god, she witnessed me sob once. Would you ever get gauged ears? I want very small gauges in my bottom earlobe piercings. What is your favorite sushi? Ew. Have you ever been in a school talent show? What for? Noooo sir. What were you like at 17? Oh god... so sad and yet so happily, madly in love at the same time. I both love and hate that era. Tell us about your worst date. Haven't really had a bad one. I had one with Tyler that was an adventure that most would consider awful (flat tire, had to walk in the whipping wind), but I had fun, ha ha. What should be illegal that isn’t already? I dunno. What’s the song you most wish you had written? Probably John Lennon's "Imagine." What is the worst break up you have experienced? Y'ALL KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW. Do your parents wish you were more successful? Oh, I am CERTAIN they do. They'd never admit it, I'm sure, but I know I'm disappointing. I had so much promise in school. Has a significant other called you unattractive before? WOW, no. Has a significant other ever called you by the wrong name? omg no Have you ever caught someone doing something bad? Cheating on their bf, yes. Has a dentist ever screwed up on anything when working on you? No, I don't think so. What is the worst birthday you have ever had? My 16th. I felt very, very unloved. I don't even like going into it. Have you ever been spit on by a llama? No. Have you ever locked yourself out of your car/house? The house, yes. With my elderly dog with arthritis, in the middle of winter after a good snow. I was freezing, sitting on the front porch and eventually crying. My phone was inside so I couldn't reach my mom, who was at work. As night came, I finally broke and went down the street knocking on my neighbors' doors, and probably the worst fucking one opened. With a gun in his hand. He was apparently an ex-sheriff, and he clearly didn't trust me. He was kind enough to let Teddy, who was incontinent and marked territory, inside (thank fuck he didn't pee in the guy's house), and he gave me a jacket, but Christ, we played 20 goddamn questions to see if I was legit, I'm assuming. I was beyond thankful when Mom finally got there when I used his phone to call her. And as it turned out? The door wasn't even fucking locked, our old dog just jammed the hell outta it by jumping. I was so, so pissed.

[saltpepperbeard]

A Jotato’s THG Story (novel?)

So a few days ago, the lovely @everlarkedalways asked me to Weave My THG Tale™. And, in being VERY on brand in regards for my THG Story, I’m late to the party lol! Mostly because of work, partly because I was avoiding Ballad spoilers, and a tad bit because...I’m a potato. BUT, now that I am free of any large projects and finally have Ballad in my hands, I’m finally able to look past my potato roots and talk about how a certain wATER POTATO ARCHER CHANGED MY LIFE lmao.

Ara has jokes though, let me tell you. “Keep it short” l m a o; THIS IS ABOUT TO BE A NOVEL AND WE KNOW IT. ARE YOU READING BALLAD? HERE’S A NEW 500 PAGE BOOK FOR YOU TBH-

I’ve told this story a few times before, but it’s always delightful to look back on things and see all the twists and turns I’ve experienced with this franchise. The most notable being, I started out HATING Hunger Games lol!

I was in ninth grade when THG started to become like, a global phenomenon. Everyone was reading it, everyone was talking about it, and it was everywhere. And for whatever reason, instead of actually sitting down and, idk, GIVING IT A TRY LMAO, my reaction instead was to DESPISE IT. Guess it was that edgy, irate, “I’m ABOVE the general masses ha look at me,” fresh-out-of-middle-school mentality. And also, my justification for hating it so much was along the lines of, “Wow it’s just a series about kids killing each other? WHAT’S THE APPEAL???”

Which like fjlksjdksds...If I could look back on my early 2012 self?

She had no idea what was in store for her lmao.

Anyway, the premiere of the movie came and went, and I was still hard set in my ways. THAT WAS, until that same summer. I can’t exactly remember which clips I stumbled upon first? But I know I came across the Joshifer+Liz Banks interview, and also a ton of Perfectly Legal Movie Clips™ on YouTube. Both of which silently chained my soul without me realizing LMAO. I remember thinking that the main actors were so cute and played off each other well (AGAIN LMAO, GIRL, BIG STORM COMING), and also remember being totally intrigued by all the clips I watched. It was mainly clips of Katniss in the arena, and I think it made me realize that wow hey, there’s an ACTUAL STORY HERE, WITH A FEMALE PROTAGONIST NO LESS.

The story gets a tad fuzzy for me here, but I do believe I got the books and quickly read through them shortly after I essentially watched the entire movie on YouTube through clips jdksljdks. I can’t really recall what I thought about the books really? Because, I think I BREEZED through them. I was so excited that I just ZOOMED TF THROUGH. I inhaled the series in one GIANT GULP. I think I even read THG in a single day jdlsjklaads. It definitely wasn’t a cautious read through to get a better sense of the detail and literary devices. 

BUT, despite my excitement, I still hadn’t reached the God Tier “OBSESSIVE” stage yet. The light bulb hadn’t fully come on yet. It wasn’t until late 2013 when Catching Fire came out that I REALLY STARTED TO GO BALLISTIC LMAO. Actually, one of my fondest THG memories comes from this time, because I think it was really like, the OFFICIAL starting block for my obsession.

I was riding on a bus to a Theatre Competition, and my best friend had just gotten the CF Soundtrack for us to listen to. I remember being absolutely enamored with it- Mirrors, We Remain, and Lean in particular. And idk, something at that point just kind of told me that Catching Fire was going to be my anchor. Sure enough, after the competition was over, said friend and I went to go see the movie together.

And I astral projected lmao. I ACHIEVED HUNGER GAMES ENLIGHTENMENT. THE LIGHT BULB SWITCHED TF ON.

I was quick to see it again the following day, and I think saw it another two times in theaters after that. I also started drawing fanart of it, and looking for more pictures/interviews. And the want for more content, the DESIRE to go crazy about it, is what eventually lead me to finding the fandom here on Tumblr. I had had a Tumblr since 2012, but never really used it with a purpose. But when I realized there were people posting all sorts of stuff about THG? Boom- another light bulb. I followed tons of people, and officially changed my url to what it is today. “Star’s” for my internet alias at the time, and “Mahogany” for my love of Effie/that Iconic Line.

HOWEVER LOL, Tumblr would lead me towards a different side, something I didn’t expect to get pulled into so hard at all. Because, I distinctly remember coming on one night in December of 2013, and seeing @joshmopolitan and a few others posting about Josh going to the UK game. And that of course, lead me down the Celebrity Rabbit Hole, and lead me towards the Chaotic, Wonderful, Crazy-

JOSHIFER FANDOM.

((Also, before you crinkle your nose, *raises cane* BACK IN MY DAY, EVERYONE SHIPPED JOSHIFER LOL. *Snow voice* DON’T LIE. Like, everyone thought they were cute to some sort of degree, or believed they were going to get together. Shoutout to the Joshifer Golden Days, man.))

And thank goodness for it tbh. Because it was JUST when I was itching to write fanfiction with everyone else, and just when I was struggling HARDCORE with writing Everlark. @joshmopolitan and @youarebeingridiculous were sort of my introductions into RPF, with @youarebeingridiculous giving me nudges towards my first Everlark fic, before also nudging me towards my first Joshifer fic. And when my first Joshifer fic garnered attention/when I had a blast writing it? ANOTHER. LIGHT. BULB LOL.

So I was dead af from that point on. I was absolutely drawn in. Even though I was still invested in THG, Joshifer was definitely my main focus from 2014-2016ish. I was there for the typical ship wars, there to read and write all the fanfiction, there to read all the theories, and there to partake in all the crazy moments. Shoutout to Cannes 2014 in particular lmao; I was in the car and my phone started going off like CRAZY, with many of my friends SCREAMING at me about the events/articles that had transpired.

Being attached to Joshifer also allowed me to write my first, and so far only, full length, These Words are a Lie. It started out as just a four part series, two parts of which I actually published. Befffooorrre getting to the third part and realizing I had WAY too much to deal with/explain/write, which consequently lead to me pulling them down and expanding upon them! And thus my messy, lovely, 25 chapter peanut journey started lmao. Though I look back on it now and realize how disjointed it was, I’m so thankful I was able to see that story completely through. I’m also very thankful for the SUPPORT and following it got. Wouldn’t have gotten through without y’all! 

ANYWAY LMAO, because this is my THG story and not my Joshifer story, let’s get back to that. 2014 was WHACK because...LG was utterly tripping with its promotional material. And to think, it was just the START of odd/lacking promo, seeing as they were SOMEHOW WORSE WITH MJ2 LMAO. But even though I was incredibly salty at the time, it was so fun to be mad and chomping at the bit with everyone else lol. The SUFFERING OF NOT HAVING ANY NEW CONTENT BROUGHT US CLOSER TOGETHER. Also, going to Best Buy to watch the teaser trailer under Heavy Guard??? Was an EXPERIENCE LOL??? But man was I so stoked to get my poster and pin, because that was some of the first merch I got!

ALSO, MJ1 was the time where I got the idea to create a small YouTube series called “Tributes React.” I really really wish I could have been in the fandom earlier, because it would have been, dare I say, FIRE LOL to react to more than just the MJ1 and MJ2 trailers. But it was so so fun regardless, and everyone’s participation was incredible! And now all of our early, embarrassing, INTENSE fangirling is stuck here/memorialized forever PFFFF.

And, not to mention, Fran Solo himself watched one of them. Someone tweeted the video at him, and he tweeted back that it made all the hard times worth it. MY GREATEST FANDOM ACCOMPLISHMENT RIGHT THERE???

And finally getting to watch MJ1 in theaters lmao omg. I went with my friend before, and also one of my guy friends. And the entire time, he was HARD STARING AT ME WAITING FOR ME TO CRY LOL. SO HE COULD TEASE ME. AND HE GOT HIS WISH BECAUSE OF COURSE THE LAST 30 MINUTES OR SO UTTERLY RUINED ME. I remember shivering so so SO bad when the rescue mission for Peeta started, and having to hold my friends’ hands when they were creeping through the Tribute Center, and utterly SOBBING when Peeta attacked Katniss. Because...hello...I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again...WAY WAY MORE INTENSE THAN THE BOOK LMAO??

And then came the beginning of the end. I remember that promo time was even DRYER for MJ2 lmao, and that we were all DYING. Like, I think the big trailer didn’t release until like, SEPTEMBER??? WHICH...LG WHAT THE ACTUAL-

And we were also back to watching trailers in Best Buys jfkssdkdlsk. My Best Buy was also DUMB and didn’t have any posters, but @infinitegraces​ was awesome enough to send me numerous copies! Bless you, thank you; I had them on my wall all through college lol! DESPITE THEM BEING A HAUNTING REMINDER OF HOW HARD LG SMACKED US LMAO.

Despite my salt towards the INITIAL promo though, the premieres and what not definitely lead to MJ2 having a special place in my heart. I had just gone off to college, and was a timid, lonely little freshman with nowhere to turn. But the fandom was there for me, and MJ2 promos/premieres gave me something to be excited for. It all kept me going through that ROUGH first semester, and was there for me before I met my best friends. So thank you MJ2, and thank you all for sharing that excitement with me! <3

Also, I’d like to mention that I was SO desperate to continue the tradition of seeing the premiere with my friend thaaaaatttt...I left for Thanksgiving break two or three days early/skipped class JUST to make it back home in time to see it with her lol! I WASN’T HERE TO PLAY GAMES, Y’ALL. THG > ACADEMICS APPARENTLY PFFFF.

After that though, things kind of quieted down. I found friends and activities in college, the movies were done, and Joshifer was dying out. It lead me to use Tumblr sporadically, not posting AS much as I had before. I still had tons of love for everything, and still enjoyed coming on whenever I did!

Then I sort of stumbled upon our “renaissance,” like the lovely @everlarkedalways​ posting re-reads and re-watches. It tugged me in again, and made me excited to post content! I also branched out and began to write Everlark, and began talking about them/the books/meta more than I did in my earlier years. 

And of course, said renaissance lead me to attending TOASTCON LMAO. Which I somehow managed to name. On accident. *Dabs unironically*

That of course, was such an amazing experience. Going to movie filming sites has always been on my bucket list, so getting to go to HUNGER GAMES SITES??? WITH FANDOM PEOPLE???? GOD TIER??????

I was also suffering from major panic/anxiety problems that summer, having just graduated college and being thrown out in the Real World™. So once again, THG and its fandom were there for me when nothing else could be. And despite me feeling off mentally, despite me feeling plagued by fatigue, I still thoroughly enjoyed meeting everyone/having such a once in a lifetime experience. Also, getting to FLEX on my friends when we watch the movies and go like “I WAS THERE! I WAS THERE!! I WAS THERE!!!” is...A Time PFFFF.

Then of course, I started working a full time job, and shifted a bit away from Tumblr/the fandom. Not DELIBERATELY; more like, I was too Mentally Tired to really do much after work. But now that Ballad is here, and now that we have new content once more? I feel like I’m waking back up. Hell, I even went to Atlanta to see MORE film sites right before the virus started to make its rounds.

And so here I am lol! A SEASONED THG VET WITH SEVEN YEARS AND COUNTING UNDER MY BELT. I would very much love to tag everyone who had an impact on me, and/or who I’ve interacted with and shared fun times with over the years. But A. Everyone really out here CONSTANTLY CHANGING THEIR URL’s, and B. The number would be Too Great and I would inevitably forget someone on accident.

SO THEN, if you’re reading this, and we’ve ever shared some kind of THG experience together, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. THG has been such a wondrous experience for me, and it’s lead me to meet all sorts of amazing, talented individuals. It’s also been there for me during darker times, and has supported me in every way possible.

I love you all, I love being here, and HERE’S TO MANY MORE TAGS/RAMBLES IN THE FUTURE LOL! Like lmao, a new movie, you guys??? WHAT??? TRIBUTES REACT ANYONE???

-Jotato Out <3

[cherryonigiri]

10 questions for me

tagged by @akakeiiji​ SAGE BABY THESE TAG GAMES ARE GIVING ME LIFE 

1.) What is your least and most favorite thing about your star sign?

Uh I’m an August leo, but I don’t really know much about star signs in general? But my chemistry teacher in high school used the mnemonic “LEO the lion says GER” to help us remember redox reactions (Loss of electrons = oxidization, gain of electrons = reduction) so I guess that’s my favorite part about being a leo? Sorry I don’t really have a better answer, my inner science/chemistry nerd jumped out. Hopefully no one who reads this hated high school chemistry too much.

2.) What time do you usually sleep and wake up?

Sleep: 3:45 AM 

Wake up: 9:50 AM

Extra nap: somewhere in between 3-6 PM.

If you all couldn’t tell my sleep schedule is not great. 

3.) What odd, totally random childhood memory stuck with you throughout the years?

When I was really young, my family travelled to China to see friends + relatives. When I was there we visited the Great Wall. I managed to climb to one of the peaks/towers in the wall, but I was super scared of heights and thought I was gonna fall off so when we had to climb back down I sat down and butt dragged myself down each step. 

4.) If you could write a book, what would it be about?

I get asked this question a lot (because I help out with first-year orientation at my university and we play a lot of icebreakers). honestly my answer changes each time but I think I’d write a “gratitude book.” I’ve had this idea for a while but basically at some point in my life I want to write and self-publish/publish a collection of letters to the people who have changed/influenced my life in a significant way. I have a list on my phone that is just people I want to write a letter to: parents, brother, teachers, friends, ex-boyfriends (I’ve had amicable breakups and I’m still in pretty regular contact with people I’ve dated), mentors, etc. I just want the people who know me to understand how much they mean to me and that they are amazing individuals. 

If I can’t do this then I’mma write a book about the history/development of fan culture/fandoms and fan generated content in the 21st century. I hate it when people demonize fan culture or mock it. Hands down some of the best writing I’ve ever read has been fanfiction/fan content. There are so many talented artists/writers/singers/creators who don’t deserve the “mindless/deranged/dumb fan” narrative that mainstream media pushes. I don’t understand how mocking/belittling/de-legitimizing the passion, enthusiasm and talent of fan creators helps anyone and I will fight anyone who says we’re only just “dumb fans” like FOK YOU TOO fandoms have some amazing and brilliant people who create safe + accepting spaces while generating complex and interesting content. And you bet your ass I will write a whole book that pushes back on the deranged fan stereotype --thank you for coming to my ted talk.

5.) Who was your first anime/fictional crush? Why that particular character?

Saito Hajime from Hakuouki. I mean, have you seen this man??? Like - he’s so graceful and a badass when fighting, not to mention that he takes advantage of his left handed sword handling to throw opponents off. Also I was in peak teenage angst phase, so ofc I was obsessed with the ‘dark and silent’ type character. Anyways this man is fine AF and i have rewatched Hakuouki multiple times because he’s is still *THAT* handsome.

6.) If you could put yourself in any fictional universe, which one would you pick? Why?

The universe of Kekkai Sen Sen (Blood Blockade Battlefront). Listen. The way this universe execute magic realism/urban fantasy so well I cannot. Like - it’s such a wacky and crazy world, and of course Hellsalem’s lot is probably like one of the most dangerous places to be ever but like -- I don’t mind? Honesty, as long as I had powers of my own I would be okay (i think?). I just love how there are mundane magic things that happen but also really wacky/chaotic things like having a giant materialize in downtown New York City. I mean there’s literally a flying hospital with a magic doctor who can split her self up into min selves to treat more patients like please send me there TODAY. Anyways if I ended up in that universe I would want to have some kind of healing/shielding/defensive superpower because a lot of innocent everyday residents get caught up in the chaotic/violent supernatural hijinks of the city and I want to help out in any way I can. In conclusion, I would like to be transported to Hellsalem’s Lot for the sole purpose of meeting Steven A. Starphase because that man is damn attractive and a badass and I am such a simp for him.

7.) What’s the last compliment you received?

I don’t remember Uh, I actually really can’t recall the last compliment I received but I remember a really memorable compliment I got was that I’m really easy to talk to? The person said that when they first met me I had a “disarming friendliness” that made them feel a lot less anxious and more at home + they felt like I was very genuine and invested in getting to know them. Uh idk if that’s true but hearing that made me really happy :) 

8.) What is the one thing you miss the most during quarantine? (Asides from being with other people, ofc)

Dancing + music. I’m part of a dance group at my university + I love attending free workshops + classes in my community. I really miss going to practice with my friends and having fun with them in the studio. :( I also play flute for the university orchestra and we probably won’t be allowed to meet/rehearse at all for the next school year (bc social distancing/quarantine) so I’m sad because I miss being involved with art stuff.

9.) When/where do you feel most content?

By myself, sitting on my bed while sunlight is shining into my room through the windows.

10.) What is a food that you hate with burning passion and will never eat?

Eggplant. ISTG I am allergic to that shit like every time I ate an eggplant dish (because my parents forced me too as a kid) my tongue gets super itchy but I’m allergic to peanuts/tree-nuts and it’s not the same feeling as when I have a reaction to to them??? so I’m not sure but either way i hate those purple vegetables.

Not gonna tag anyone because I don’t think I can come up with 10 meaningful questions right now but HEY HEY HEY if anyone who see’s this wants to join in feel free to use the questions I answered :) 

[wayward-styxxx]

Autism/ADHD/Anxiety things from my childhood

- I was quite sensory seeking (I loved car rides, rolling down hills, jumping off my dresser onto my bed, spinning in chairs, staring at sparkly things, etc). I was probably more sensory seeking than sensory avoidant.

- I toe walked and never grew out of that.

- I developed trichotillomania and trichophagia in 3rd grade. I went from having eyebrows to not having eyebrows. Kids thought I shaved my eyebrows.

- I had a habit of running away in stressful situations.

- I was pretty decent in school. I got awards for being nice(it’s not hard to be nice) and for excelling in reading. I read at my grade level and beyond(adult books)

- I loved to read and I actually got in trouble often for reading in class instead of listening to the lesson

- I was pretty crap at subjects that were not language arts.

- My mom said that I got along with kids and played with anyone willing to play with me, but I was shy around adults. She thought that was interesting since I was an only child. She said that she couldn’t keep me from playing.

- That’s pretty true. I loved to play especially if I got my way.

- Even though I played with others I had like one actual best friend(I think) that I was always attached to and through her I had other friends. I considered me and this girl best friends even though our friendship pretty much stayed at school(like most of my friendships).

- The thing is that even though I considered this girl my best friend, I’m not so sure she totally considered me her best friend. She had other friends and when she would want to play with them I was basically like “well who do I have then?” I would insert myself into their little friendship even if they kinda wanted their own thing.

- I never actually had any friends over to my place.I only had cousins (1 cousin really) over to my place.

- I don’t have any photos with friends outside of a school setting and the photos that I do have with friends in a school setting are class photos.

- My birthday parties (that my mom planned) only had my cousins and no friends. I don’t think I ever actually invited any of my friends. I do know that I only had cousins and their parents there. I pretty much just liked getting gifts and having my parents wish me happy birthday. That was enough for me.

- I think I was only ever invited to one birthday party in elementary school. No, it was not my best friend’s birthday party lol

- I think in all of my years of elementary school I’ve called like one friend and it wasn’t the girl who was my best friend. I called this girl one time and never again. I never liked talking on the phone.It was like pulling teeth. My parents always had to remind me to call my grandparents or whoever.

- Years later when I would notice friends that I went to elementary school with, I would remember them, but they would either not remember me or they would just keep it to “hey, cool bye”. This even happened with my best friend from elementary school when I saw her outside of my high school. So sometimes I feel like maybe I didn’t actually have friends in elementary school. I was most likely just tolerated because I was nice lol 😂

- In elementary school I was called “mean” by other kids and even my friends before for having an opinion or for saying “no”. I never understood this, but I do know that I was so desperate for folks to like me and be my friend that I just ended up giving in or changing my opinion.

- I was very talkative. The teacher would tell the class to be quiet and I would still be trying to have conversations about my favorite book or something. I would literally be the only one still talking so I got in trouble for that quite often. Even though people were ignoring me because they were supposed to be quiet, I was still talking to them. Literally everyone got the cue except me.

- I talked to myself a lot especially when I was at home. I had whole conversations with myself and my mom would always ask who I was talking to. I would respond with “nobody” to not seem super weird. Sometimes I was honest and would say “myself”.

- I never had imaginary friends though because they just didn’t make sense to me. I always knew I was talking to myself and not a invisible friend.

- In elementary school some of my special interests gave me anxiety. For example, I got into tornadoes and hurricanes so I was constantly on the look out for signs of them. Those tornado watch alerts literally made my heart race. I also had a safety plan for if a tornado were to ever touch down. I read every book in my library on tornadoes and extreme weather.

- I was always sensitive to certain smells and foods and they would make me gag. I remember when I did a children’s summer program the smell of the food made me so sick and light headed that often times I decided to just go hungry. It was like a smell that nobody else could smell.

- I think I can remember everything that I ate as a kid because I pretty much ate the same thing.

- I was also very particular about how my food was prepared and the ratios. I always had to have the correct amount of peanut butter to jelly on my sandwich or the correct amount of skin to chicken with my chicken tenders. My parents don’t know this but if the foods were not the correct ratios or textures or if they made me sick then I would wrap them in toilet paper/paper towel and throw them in the trash can. I got that idea from a tv show.

- As you can see I kept a lot of things from my mom and grandma.

- I also watched the same tv shows/movies over and over again in the same sitting for hours. I remember I couldn’t find my incredibles movie dvd, but I had the behind the scenes dvd, so I spent hours going through every option on that behind the scenes disk. None of my tapes/DVDs play all the way through because I have rewound them so much.

- When blockbuster still existed I rented the same 4 sailor moon tapes and justice league movie every time.

- I learned a lot from tv and took the story lines quite seriously and tried to mesh them with everyday life. That didn’t always work out and sometimes got me in trouble with students/friends.

- I imitated characters. I am most likely an amalgamation of every character I’ve ever watched.

- I have this stim where I smell and rub my face across my arm. I’ve had that one since forever.

-I have a lot of tactile/vestibular/olfactory stims.

- I don’t think I’ve ever had a real sense of danger because my mom has complained that I’ve put myself in dangerous situations and was completely oblivious to them.

- Inappropriate giggling/smiling

- I’ve always had sort of a hard time seeing things from others perspectives.

- I cried a lot especially when I was away from my mom and grandma. I cried when I went to pre-school which is fine because it’s a new environment, but I also cried when I was left with family members as well. I would literally cry until my body just gave out.

- My mom said that I was very observant and at 5 years old I asked her why all of my toys were made in China. I also asked if most things we had were made in China. I examined my toys a lot.

-I loved the way my toys looked and felt

- I didn’t have the best tone control. I was always told to speak up. The funny thing is I could also be extremely loud especially when excited. I would scream if I was excited or even spooked(?) and I was so loud that teachers would literally come to the area and be like “yo who is that screaming ? I can hear this person all the way down the hall”

- I constantly ruined my clothes and things at school( not on purpose) and my mom would be upset but I could never see why she was upset even after she explained to me why she was upset. I also could never remember how my clothes ended up so dirty or how I lost jackets because there was just so much going on and the day moved so fast.

- I constantly misheard things as a child. I could be at a movie or have my tv all the way up and I could hear what people were saying but not comprehend it. It sounded like another language sometimes. I hated when people would whisper from the across the room so I would say “I can’t understand what you’re saying”. I think I was shouting that because I would get weird looks or people would just say “nevermind”.

- My mom brought me expensive gold lockets, but I broke every last one because I couldn’t stop myself from chewing on the chain and the actual locket. I pretty much wanted the locket because tigger had one in the tigger movie lol

- I chewed on my erasers and pen grips.

- I loved collecting things like rocks(geodes) and stationary and so I was kind of a pack rat lol

- My mom was happy to have a girl because that meant we could go shopping. Unfortunately I was not that interested in shopping for clothes when I was younger. When my mom would get excited about shopping for clothes for the both of us I would be like “can I buy books?” The only times I really cared about clothes and purses was if I saw the main character in a movie I was currently cared about clothes and purses. My mom enjoyed dressing me while she could though.

- When I was in elementary school I was going to a wedding and my mom said that I needed to dress up. I wanted to wear my new comfortable tracksuit so that’s what I wore. I was comfortable but extremely underdressed. I had a good time but felt out of place lol

- When I played with dolls I pretty much just set up scenes with very little dialogue. I did play teacher and I used my moms lottery tickets as scantron sheets. Sometimes I played teacher with my dolls, but dolls can’t write so i usually ended up being the teacher and the student.

-I was always hard on myself in elementary school. I started having negative thoughts starting in like 4th or 5th grade.

- I remember in 4th(?) grade being obsessed with ophelias suicide that was in a Shakespeare poem book. I didn’t have the most normal interests. My mom was always confused as to why I was into such dark themed subjects as a kid.

- I hated when my clothes would bunch up under my arms from too many layers and I still can’t stand that.

- my skin also seemed to be super sensitive and it’s almost like I could feel it moving which caused me to itch and I had to scratch myself extremely hard to get the itch to go away. I still have this problem today.

- I was and still am violently ticklish.

- I have never had good handwriting and a lot of my papers had words scribbled out and arrow marks where words should be. My written papers did and still do look horrible. Either you want me to write fast and have my paper be a complete mess or give me enough time to write slow and have a semi-neat paper. Thank god for computers.

- my mom tried her best to get me to learn cursive. I tried at school, my mom got me a cursive book and she tried to practice with me. I never learned proper cursive and I never completed that cursive book which frustrated my mom when I was younger. I would literally just sit there sometimes and stare at the book.

- I hated learning time on a analog clock, that was tough. It really took me a while to totally get it and I’m so glad my grandma always had a digital clock when I was younger. I relied on other kids who got it to help me. Still to this day I have to remind myself which hand is which and I’m 21. At 21 years old I’m still like “okay the small hand is the hour hand and it’s on the 3, the big hand is the minute hand and it’s on the 9”. Lol

- I would daydream and doodle especially in math class and so I got in trouble for not paying attention.

-I am happy that my mom and grandma were very hands on with me because if she wasn’t, I don’t think I would’ve gotten anything done tbh lol

[jcmorgenstern]

Same anon that asked for the headcanons that btw is the same anon asking for Jon’s virginity: My god I love your headcanons and yes I would fully enjoy more if you have the time. 💕

omg I still haven’t finished all the virginity asks ghakfjghg I hope those weren’t yours. also fair warning these will probably veer dangerously into Woobifying Territory because im that person and im gross.

Jonathan sleeps with approximately 4,792 blankets and finds the heat and weight comforting. He will absolutely turn up the AC to do so. Does that apartment have AC? It does now.

Has no concept of what amount of food is gross to eat, so will often sit on the couch and demolish an entire jar of peanut butter in one sitting without feeling sick.

Val probably had a lot of physiology textbooks lying around the cabin due to his extremely unscientific “experiments” so uhh that’s where he got his sex ed. it’s just as bad as it sounds. From personal experience i can say physiology books are pretty terrifying.

He really hated Siberia because of how cold it was (as Sebastian you’ll notice he wears three or more layers even inside. dat bitch COLD). Edom probably has snow in some areas but Asmodeus and Lilith seem to live in an arid region.

God I actually have a really weird headcanon about how the courts of Edom work. So all the kids of the greater demons are considered princes of hell, but it’s a complex and fiercely competitive hierarchy for which child is most favored by their parent at the time and most in favor in the court overall. By virtue of being Lilith’s Only Miracle Half Angel Boy, Jonathan was not super popular with the other princes (I guess prince is a gender neutral term here??). Asmodeus’ kids are probably the best overall but like…..super Horny, Azazel’s kids fucking SUCK, Abbadon’s kids are all super depressed and torture people for fun, etc.

Enter: blonde kid with a bowl cut. It’s like fucking high school. it’s like percy jackson but in hell. it is literally and actually hell.

The courts of edom also occasionally get obsessed with human fads so sometimes it’s just like. 1800s Versailles! Ancient Greece! Lilith is constantly complaining Asmodeus won’t do Sumerian priestess and priest with her.

Most of the time in Edom after he learned to shapeshift Jonathan used the last self-image he remembered, which was him at ten. Lilith definitely thought he was cutest that way, though she was always kind of wistful he hadn’t turned out as an enormous dragon. Too chubby. Not enough claws. Definitely no fangs. Bit of a late bloomer with the wings.

Jonathan, as evidenced by the outfits he’s put together for 3b so far, has no ability to color coordinate at all. He may be slightly color blind. It’s tragic and still does not explain that scarf.

He killed a McDonald’s employee once for shortchanging him on fries. Not really the high point of self-control. Makes Rick and Morty fans look good and sane. He got a free drink refill out of it, though.

OH GOD how can I forget?? Ok so if vampires drinking angel blood confers resistance to sunlight, I’ve always wondered what drinking Jonathan’s blood would do. in the books Simon describes it as tasting like battery acid, but the vampires in COLS seem to drink it just fine. My personal onion is that it confers resistance to fire. Oh, the irony.

He did a shot of holy water on a dare. It didn’t do anything.

I also feel like he’d be pretty resistant to vampire venom/the werewolf demon virus or whatever it is. Like, he’s probably got more ichor or whatever than they do. fuckin up ur game

Seelies think he’s just a really weird fucked up seelie (but have to admit the ears are kind of cute in a sad sort of way) and GOD isn’t the lying hot and scandalous??

mmmmmmm the eyes black out during sexytimes

Maybe this is a weird one but I feel like even the image of Jonathan we see now (ie, Luke Baines) could be in part a projected or assumed image. We never saw him after he was reborn, and it doesn’t seem like it takes a lot of energy to hold a particular shape. Especially since after he was reborn he wouldn’t have any of the scars he had before like…losing his skin. So i imagine those could come and go depending on the Mood. Is this an excuse to keep in that goddamn cryptic “perils of obedience” line?? maybe. you can prove nothing.

Ohhh how could I forget a personal favorite? I really liked the idea that Valentine tried to rune Jace and Jonathan wayyyyy to early, and esp for Jonathan it . Did not go well. Like getting an angelic rune at like four (and ofc Valentine would go for Angelic Power first……..you know he would) when you have Pure Ass Demon Blood sounds…intense. If you’ve read the books you know how intense and angsty rune rejection can be. I fucking love it sorrynotsorry. Like I imagine how upset Valentine would be that his Brilliant Experiment didn’t go to plan and is rejecting the angelic blah blah blah you get the picture anyway angst and im here for it poor bby

Jonathan hates the taste of Earl Grey but transparently pretends to like it to impress Clary and she thinks he’s a fucking idiot.

Even though alcohol doesn’t have much of an effect he likes fruity drinks and straight vodka. Mostly the fruity drinks because they taste good hello?? but for some reason Clary keeps laughing and taking pictures of him?? rude.

I still maintain he had the ear pierced at Claire’s even thought i KNOW this fucking edgelord would do it himself i just need the image of this 20 something edgy fucking demon prince standing in line with a bunch of 8 year olds in princess dresses trying to figure out what “earring gun” could possibly mean. am i immature? yes but shut up

The whole “memorizing Paradise Lost” thing sounds all well and good until you know how fucking WORDY john milton is as a writer. He never shuts up. Also–and Miltonists are welcome to correct me–the Michael/Lucifer bond is bullshit, by the way. and honestly if either jace or jonathan had that book memorized lbr they’d never fucking shut up.

This is also the show that had Aldertree look up from casually reading Art of War at his desk so maybe I ask too much.

The COLS vampire kink is very real dont @ me

Has never received a birthday card (except one three months late from Sebastian’s aunt Elodie strongly implying Sebastian should stop fostering cats and start getting a girlfriend).

okay imma stop there while im still ahead because it is Late and that is a Lot. i hope you enjoy though, friend!!!

[bladesofyuri]

My Excess Weight is Falling Off: How, Why, and What’s Different

This is a different kind of post for this blog, but I think it’s worth sharing.

If you’ve been following me for a few months, you may have seen a post I made asking for fitness/healthy lifestyle/accountability buddies. My weight is something that has always fluctuated and that I’ve always had a hard time with, even when I was dancing all the time and trying all sorts of “diets.” Over the past two years I found myself in a really dark place, and the weight started piling on for a number of reasons. No, I’m not telling you that as an excuse--it isn’t one. I simply wasn’t taking care of myself like I should’ve been. I was eating fairly well but not well enough, skipping meals I just felt too tired to eat (and sometimes, I’d go an entire day without one), and when I’d go to the gym, I wouldn’t do much more than the elliptical for an hour or a half hour plus some resistance training that really wasn’t challenging me. I knew I needed to work differently, but I had no motivation and my heart just wasn’t in it at all. The combination of graduate school and work was, to be frank, kicking my ass. On top of that, my social life had become nonexistent, I had no boyfriend, and didn’t really feel like I had anyone aside from two close friends who no longer even live in the same city to talk to. 

I’d even for the first time in my life grown very uncomfortable at the gym, despite knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt from my own experiences on the other side that nobody cares about what you’re doing or is even paying attention to you there. Still, I felt like a big, bloated puff waddling around it in comparison to everyone else and more importantly, compared to how I used to feel in it: strong, confident, and calm. 

Needless to say, I wasn’t exactly the epitome of health at the time.

There was something else too that’d been bothering me: more than anything, I wanted to get back into dance, despite having been out of it so long. I just needed that familiarity, that something, even if I wasn’t really in good enough shape in my mind to be doing it. One evening, I saw an advertisement, and I decided to try a class. 

That in itself was a little jarring: I suppose in the 7 years I’d been out of dance, I’d forgotten how tiny dancers really were. I’d always been thicker for a dancer, at my fittest usually being mistaken for a cheerleader or gymnast. This was also the time when I was extremely involved with martial arts, which literally shredded my fat in those tougher spots right off. I’d gone from literal fighting shape with a six-pack to fat, and on my kind of build (which is average height and very curvy), even being a little chubby shows. 

So here I was, in this dance class for a style I’d never tried before feeling very much like a potato among shorter, more toned versions of Victoria’s Secret models. It was a bit overwhelming to say the least, though it was fun. 

That said, there were a ton of concerns going through my head. This class happened to be one where you’re partnered by men the whole time, and I began to wonder what effect my weight may have on them. There were no lifts at least--but moves that involved leaning, dips, etc. were common. Not to mention, I imagined my larger body must be much harder to lead.

So, I worked out a little more, still doing the same types of thing. Elliptical, treadmill, occasional resistance. I tried cutting carbs (more on that later), had a brief and desperate stint of limiting myself to one small meal a day (unhealthy and disastrous--I gained weight), and several other things that were so ineffective they aren’t worth mentioning. I thought that maybe despite my age my metabolism had already begun slowing down rapidly. 

Not knowing what else to do, I decided to see a nutritionist. 

We started meeting regularly, and she worked to figure out what exactly was going on. On paper, I wasn’t eating particularly badly: I had a few off days here and there, but combined with the amount of exercise I was getting daily (from walking back and forth to work and class, those 3-4x a week gym sessions, plus the new dance class additions), she had a little trouble deciphering what was wrong at first. I was particularly frustrated--I’d lost weight before, dropped my body fat percentage to a staggeringly low but still healthy amount for a female, and yet nothing I was doing now seemed to be working. My weight just fluctuated naturally as it always had. I had my resting metabolic rates checked, and some other tests run too.

Well, I thought when everything checked out to be within normal range, at least I was finally having some fun. I loved my dance classes and each made me feel quite a bit better on a daily basis even if I did still have those occasional nights when depression and anxiety really decided to kick in. Though the styles were different, I was doing something I loved again and meeting new people who were kind, informative, and encouraging, and that was more than I’d had in some time.

It still wasn’t enough for me, though. Not really. I’d dance around my apartment, listening to the kinds of music I used to dance to--hip-hop in particular. It always had been my strongest style, and I decided to try out the studio’s advanced class. I had, after all, done it for many years, and was still pretty confident I could move like I used to if my probably hilarious apartment dancing was any indication.

I took a class. 

I realized they filmed everything. 

And I watched those videos back. Sure, I still had it and had somehow managed not to lose much of my skill, even if I had been out of it for so long. No doubt this is thanks to the physical activity I’d maintained, even if it wasn’t up to par with what I’d done in my dance and martial arts days. Seeing that first video generated two thoughts in my mind:

1. I was still good. Very good. 

2. I was still good, even keeping up with the pros in my class, but the person dancing in that video wasn’t me. 

People have different opinions when it comes to being on camera. Some think it’s unhealthy to use it as a motivator, believing that it can develop an obsession. But I’m not that type, and in my mind, using videos to hold myself accountable is no less unhealthy than sitting on Tumblr feeling sorry for myself and eating myself into a blob, which is exactly what I felt I was. Nobody was “shaming” me. It wasn’t society or beauty standards or anything of the sort. I simply wasn’t happy with myself, and this video proved it. 

I kicked it into high gear. As much as I may not often admit it I’m a highly competitive person. I see either someone who’s better than me at something and what to get to their level or surpass them, or I see myself and want to overcome that current self and transform it into something better. This, for better or worse, was exactly the blend of both I needed. I could dance like the people around me, and where I was a little rusty I knew I could get back, but I didn’t look as strong as them just because of my body.

I made small changes to my diet. I’ve always had a running joke about having the appetite of a lineman, and to this day that’s true. I like my food, and I like to eat. A lot. But I changed what I ate and when. I eat no breads or rice after lunch, instead loading up on lean meats and veggies. I don’t snack on things like yogurt at night anymore, either. Instead, I whip up some egg beaters (I highly recommend the southwestern flavor, by the way) and throw some lean, deli-cut turkey breast in with it. That’s my current go-to late-night snack. Other snacks are usually hard-boiled eggs or something along the lines of raw vegetables, fruits with a light dusting of Stevia over the top for those sweet tooth days, and carrot fries with a light ranch. I also make good use of frozen fruits that keep forever and that I can throw into a blender with some Greek yogurt. Breakfast is often something like a grilled chicken breast with eggs (my ultimate weaknesses is Chick-fil-A’s egg white grill when I need a speedy breakfast on the go), a poached egg with half an avocado and a slice of wheat toast, or something along those lines. I’ve also tried the toast + peanut butter + banana thing, though it was a bit sweet for my taste. Lunch is a bit broader: I enjoy salads but not enough to have them daily, and lunch admittedly tends to be my least healthy meal of the day. I had a cheeseburger today for example, which I do not recommend, but if you’re going to do something like that, just make sure you’re opting for a side salad or something similar instead of fries. My aim for lunch tends to be a light salad or a something like a burrito bowl with very little to no rice. I focus on lean meats and vegetables for both lunch and dinner, so depending on what I’ve prepped or am planning to make/have, I make the according adjustments to my lunch. 

One thing I cut out completely--and a cut that pains me as it will my fellow Southerners--is sweet tea. I love sweet tea. I grew up on sweet tea and it’s quite literally the taste of home. This is something I had to ween myself off of over the course of a couple weeks on the days I ate out, ordering 1/2 sweet, 1/2 unsweet drinks. I’m happy to say I’ve already broken the habit, and it’s already become natural for me to order or make unsweet tea and either drink it as is or add just a pinch of natural sweetener in. Likewise, I cut back on sugary coffee drinks, though that wasn’t as difficult for me. I don’t mind the taste of black coffee, so that’s all well and good.

Once I did all of these things, I started noticing little things. Those leggings that had been too tight suddenly started to fit perfectly. My workout pants that I’d gone a size up on because of my chubbier areas started falling off--literally, to the point where I constantly have started having to pull them back up. My stomach and waist area--which is the one and only area I always have lost weight quickly in--has already gone from being jiggly to flat. My lovely (yes, this is sarcasm) Viking arms I inherited from my dad and my thick cyclist legs I inherited from my mom are already slimming down and toning. I started bodyweight circut classes and free weights again, though I definitely still enjoy my resistance days. It turns out I don’t need any additional cardio now that I’m dancing again, and I really only do short stints of it for stamina purposes.

And suddenly, it’s all been put into perspective. 

My biggest block was settling for not enough. 

I was eating in a more healthy way than the average person, but it wasn’t enough. I was working out regularly, but not in a way that was enough. I had no real routine or regulation for what I was eating beyond just staying under a certain calorie count, and not a good enough routine in the gym.

I’m not saying don’t go get on that elliptical or treadmill if that’s something that makes you feel good and helps you. Everybody’s different. Some people really can drop weight as long as they’re up and moving, and it really doesn’t matter what they do during that time. Others, like myself, need more specific exercise, and from experience I know mine is a combination of dance or martial arts and weights/bodyweight. Running does nothing. Ellipticals do nothing. Cycling does nothing. I have to do weights, and I have to have workouts that engage my entire body.

I’m happy to say within the past month of really hitting it this hard, not only have I lost weight, but I’m nearly down a size in everything (the latter of which is more over the course of two months). It really was just making the right changes and remembering what works for me, along with figuring out the new things that work for me since I obviously no longer live under my parents’ roof like I’d done the first time I’d really gotten fit. I had to figure out a way to cook for myself and make the right decisions when I do get fast food. I had to really start putting in the right work at the gym.

And you know what? It’s worth it.

I’ve even developed something of a social life through my classes again, and I’m loving every minute of it. It’s worth it to go into those classes and meet people, encourage them while they encourage you, and let them help to make you the best you can be through their sheer dedication and skill. 

As for the darker mental side of it all, depression and anxiety don’t go away, but you can train yourself to push through them again, and you might just find those spells starting to dwindle a bit when you do. For me in every way, shape, or form, these changes have all been worth it. 

Find what works for you and go for it not halfway, but all out. 

[healthierhappier-me]

Get To Know Me Tag!!

I tag @gethealthystayfit , @tropical-fit , and @zaya-fit :) have fun!

1. What is your full name?

simona! [no need for last names on here lol]

2. What is your nickname?

i never really had a nickname, but my friends tease me and call me simon sometimes...

3. What is your zodiac sign?  

pisces (march 5!)

4. What is your favorite book series?

probably the Eragon series or maybe Ranger’s Apprentice? i love fantasy a lot

5. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts?

sort of? i keep bouncing back and forth and can’t really decide

6. Who is your favorite author?

this is an impossible question and i will never be able to answer it sorry

7. What is your favorite radio station?

magic 106.7! i grew up on it :)

8. What is your favorite flavor of anything?

probably either lemon or lavender or the combination of the two

9. What word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful?

amazing? i’m not sure hahaha

10. What is your current favorite song?

probably “all time low” by jon bellion just because it’s been stuck in my head for days oops

11. What is your favorite word?

probably cascade or mountain, unsure

12. What was the last song you listened to?

“the nights” by avicii!

13. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch?

FRIENDS FRIENDS FRIENDS FRIENDS FRIENDS FRIENDS ALWAYS

14. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down?

anything disney/pixar, particularly “the emperor’s new groove” lol

15. Do you play video games?

 i’ve played pokémon since i was 6 and don’t intend to stop just because i’m an ‘adult’ now :)

16. What is your biggest fear?

being forgotten for sure, as well as being less important to a person than they are to me

17. What is your best quality, in your opinion?

i’m quite a nurturing person, and i like that about myself

18. What is your worst quality, in your opinion?

i overthink things that don’t need overthinking and it puts strain on some of my friendships sometimes

19. Do you like cats or dogs better?

this is another impossible question to which my answer will always be both!

20. What is your favorite season?

currently craving summer but i’d say fall is my all-time favorite

21. Are you in a relationship?

yes!

22. What is something you miss from your childhood?

not having to worry about deadlines!

23. Who is your best friend?

a girl i met in the 6th grade who i’ve talked to more or less every day since then

24. What is your eye color?

brown!

25. What is your hair color?

also brown! exciting stuff

26. Who is someone you love?

my inner circle of friends

27. Who is someone you trust?

my dad

28. Who is someone you think about often?

my boyfriend (long distance relationships will do that)

29. Are you currently excited about/for something?

spring break!! finally a second to relax

30. What is your biggest obsession?

probably buying far too much makeup...

31. What was your favorite TV show as a child?

scooby doo or the magic school bus!

32. Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone?

a couple of my best guy friends

33. Are you superstitious?

nope!

34. Do you have any unusual phobias?

i’m terribly afraid of needles to a ridiculous extent

35. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it?

i love being in front of the camera but only if someone i like or trust is behind it!

36. What is your favorite hobby?

singing!

37. What was the last book you read?

my chemistry textbook :(

38. What was the last movie you watched?

big hero 6!!

39. What musical instruments do you play, if any?

i sing and play a bit of ukulele

40. What is your favorite animal?

either horses or sheep!

41. What are your top 5 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow?

another impossible question! if i follow a blog it means i like it quite a lot

42. What superpower do you wish you had?

time travel/time control

43. When and where do you feel most at peace?

in the mountains!

44. What makes you smile?

other people’s success stories as well as my own

45. What sports do you play, if any?

i love to ski, and i used to swim competitively

46. What is your favorite drink?

tea! i have an embarrassing amount of tea honestly

47. When was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody?

the other day when i slipped a note under a friend’s door

48. Are you afraid of heights?

no, but i am afraid of falling

49. What is your biggest pet peeve?

loud chewers actually make me want to throw them out a window sometimes

50. Have you ever been to a concert?

yes, imagine dragons and pentatonix :)

51. Are you vegan/vegetarian?

no, though i do admire the lifestyle and what it stands for

52. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

a lawyer... don’t ask me why hahaha

53. What fictional world would you like to live in?

probably the world from eragon (blanking on the name) because uh.. dragons!!

54. What is something you worry about?

my future (financial, career, etc)

55. Are you scared of the dark?

only if it’s in an unfamiliar place

56. Do you like to sing?

yes! i sing quite a lot

57. Have you ever skipped school?

i’ve skipped classes, but not all of school

58. What is your favorite place on the planet?

the mountains in colorado, probably

59. Where would you like to live?

either the northeast (usa) or colorado

60. Do you have any pets?

i have two cats and have had quite a few fish over the years

61. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl?

it really depends on the day, either one

62. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better?

sunrises are more fulfilling to experience though i think sunsets are more vivid usually

63. Do you know how to drive?

yes, though i don’t have my license

64. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones?

earbuds!

65. Have you ever had braces?

yep, from 5th to 7th grade

66. What is your favorite genre of music?

literally anything in the ranges of pop/hip hop/alternative/edm/pretty much anything else

67. Who is your hero?

i don’t really have one, though i certainly look up to a lot of people

68. Do you read comic books?

i’ve read every single peanuts and calvin & hobbes comic :)

69. What makes you the most angry?

i really hate blatant ignorance and entitlement

70. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book?

i love flipping pages so definitely real book

71. What is your favorite subject in school?

psychology!

72. Do you have any siblings?

nope, just me and the cats

73. What was the last thing you bought?

a pair of grey suspenders for my singing competition

74. How tall are you?

5′10″ (yeah tall i know)

75. Can you cook?

yes i love to cook!

76. What are three things that you love?

my friends/family, my pets, and mountains

77. What are three things that you hate?

donald trump, bigotry, and loud chewers

78. Do you have more female friends or more male friends?

it’s a pretty good mix i think

79. What is your sexual orientation?

i’m straight!

80. Where do you currently live?

i go to university in PA though that’s not where i’m from!

81. Who was the last person you texted?

my mom!

82. When was the last time you cried?

last night oops

83. Who is your favorite YouTuber?

jacksepticeye for sure

84. Do you like to take selfies?

all the time!

85. What is your favorite app?

probably MyPlate (food and exercise tracker)

86. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like?

it’s pretty good, i’m still financially dependent on them so it’s a big part of my life

87. What is your favorite foreign accent?

scottish accents are so cute honestly

88. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit?

switzerland!

89. What is your favorite number?

when i was little i really liked the number 18 for some reason so i guess 18?

90. Can you juggle?

no but i’ve always been jealous of people who could

91. Are you religious?

nope! but people can believe what they’d like of course :)

92. Do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting?

i’ve always been fascinated by outer space because we have absolutely no idea what’s going on out there

93. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil?

uhh sometimes i feel braver than other times, but overall i don’t think i’m particularly daring, no

94. Are you allergic to anything?

thankfully no!

95. Can you curl your tongue?

yes!

96. Can you wiggle your ears?

also yes!

97. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something?

i’ve been working on being less stubborn lately, but i still hate admitting i was wrong so idk

98. Do you prefer the forest or the beach?

the beach! i love the ocean

99. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you?

don’t look at everything you have to do in one big scary lump, take it one very small step at a time and it’ll help not get as overwhelming

100. Are you a good liar?

unfortunately (or fortunately) yes

101. What is your Hogwarts House?

gryffindor! pottermore certified :)

102. Do you talk to yourself?

not really, but i get lost in thought quite a bit

103. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

i’m much more on the extroverted side of things but i do enjoy time to myself

104. Do you keep a journal/diary?

not really, i think this blog is the closest thing to that

105. Do you believe in second chances?

it really depends on the context and the specific situation imo

106. If you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do?

try to track down the owner or turn it in!

107. Do you believe that people are capable of change?

again, depends on the situation; certain facets of personality are unchangeable in my opinion while more superficial mindsets can be changed

108. Are you ticklish?

extremely (it’s kind of a hazard actually)

109. Have you ever been on a plane?

oh yes many times!

110. Do you have any piercings?

i have basic ear piercings but i’d like cartilage piercings as well

111. What fictional character do you wish was real?

baymax! or teto from the ghibli movie nausicaa

112. Do you have any tattoos?

no, but i’d like a small one

113. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far?

choosing my particular university tbh

114. Do you believe in karma?

sort of? not to any huge extent

115. Do you wear glasses or contacts?

thankfully no i have fine vision

116. Do you want children?

someday, absolutely

117. Who is the smartest person you know?

probably my dad tbh

118. What is your most embarrassing memory?

the way i acted towards my ex right after the breakup. total regret and still cringing.

119. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter?

i try not to, but yes a few times

120. What color are most of you clothes?

black, blue, or olive green

121. Do you like adventures?

yes!

122. Have you ever been on TV?

i don’t think so?

123. How old are you?

18, about to turn 19 (in 5 days)

124. What is your favorite quote?

pretty much any quote from parks and recreation

125. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods?

strongly depends on my mood!

[melonoverlord]

obscure asks for micah

What convenience store food would be their go-to at a 7-11 (Fantasy or otherwise)?

Micah has an unhealthy obsession with peanut butter muddy buddies. When he learns about convenience stores after he goes to Isladine, almost all the vending machines at the Academy eventually breaks because he’s always kicking it to get those goddamn muddy buddies that get stuck in the machine.

Who is their drinking buddy? If they don’t drink, which drunk friend would they watch over?

He always planned on it being Cecily, but when he gets older and traumatized, Finn would def be his drinking buddy. It’s usually very funny to see Finn be flirty around Micah who just wants to spill the tea on fucking Reggie.

Who would be their go-to character in Clue?

Mr. Green. You can’t mess with his love for green.

If they ever had to go to college, what major would they pick?

Law

Do they have a signature color(s)?

Brown and green.

What would be their favorite vine?

“It’s finals week, you know what that means. HEWLP! HEWLP! HEWLP!”

If they had a social media account, what would it be about?

His twitter is full of questions like “Why am I here, there is no Charizard. All there is is Reggie and he’s a Snubbull at best.” His instagram would first be pictures of plants he finds across campus and eventually selfies of him in cuddle piles with Wisty and Finn. His tumblr is about plant care and the occasional rant about why he’s tired.

Who would they invite to be their best man/maid of honor at their wedding?

Cecily, no question about it. He never plans on marrying (until two nerds enter his life) but if he did, Cecily would be there to make him cry with a speech.

Alternatively, who’s best man/maid of honor would they be?

Cecily always says that Micah’s going to be at the back of the room, only watching her wedding from a phone screen when it airs live, but she also has no doubt in her mind that she wants her big brother to be her best man.

What would be the title of their sex tape/mixtape?

“Three Bros Chilling in a Hot Tub, No Feet Apart Cause They’re All Gay”

If there was no prejudice, what time period/place would they love to visit?

As soon as he learns about Ancient Egypt, he is all for it. Gods with animal heads? Sign him up for that shit.

What three words would they use to describe themself?

Loyal, Honest, Awkward

What three words would their friends/family use to describe them?

Honest, loyal, and quirky by Finn, passionate, protective, and loving by Wisty, and of course “My dweeby brother” by Cecily

What nicknames do they have? Any particular stories behind them?

Mimi. It was the first way Cecily referred to Micah when she was a baby and it was one of the few times that Micah ever cried as a child. It was that day that he swore he would kill for Cecily.

Do they consider themself a good person? Why or why not?

He doesn’t really care if he’s seems like a good person, as long as he’s doing what he is supposed to. For that, he does think he’s a good person for always following the rules.

If they were a cryptid, what would they be?

Sasquatch. Hangs around forests, has more walls than the Great Wall of China, and blunt as hell.

What is the one thing they wish they could’ve said to a loved one, but never did?

He wishes he could have asked his mom why she went back to his dad twice. Don’t get him wrong, he’s thrilled that he and Ce can be blood siblings, but why invite a man to stay only to have him leave?

What would they tell their ten year old self?

“Even though Cecily cries a lot and she smells, you’re going to get along and will want to protect her. Keep that fire.”

Who would be on their team in an all out prank war? Who would they be against?

Wisty and Finn for sure, and he can’t forget Cecily mostly because he doesn’t want to be on her ends of the pranks. Everyone against fucking Reggie.

Can they drive a car? Are they good at it? (If cars don’t exist, would they be able to drive if they existed?)

He has never seen a car except in Batman, and wants to drive a car just so he can be invited to a party by Bruce Wayne, because everyone who has a car goes to his parties.

Tell the story behind their most stupid injury/scar.

He once broke his arm after Cecily pushed him out of a tree when he was twelve. On the landing, he also severely scraped his knee, so now has a weird scar on his knee.

What word(s) would they freeze up at if someone said it to them?

“Useless” or “disgrace of a child”. He cares very much about his usefulness to his family.

Who is someone that they don’t talk to much, but would probably get along with?

Luca is also fairly blunt and tells it like it is, Micah would love that she doesn’t sugarcoat things or falsifies information.

Have they ever done something they think is unforgivable?

He hasn’t really done much of anything, to be honest. But at the moment, no.

What type of soda would be their favorite?

Cherry coke. Boy can’t get enough of that sweet sweet artificial cherry flavoring.

What do they want more than anything?

To go home. Also to find a Blissey in the wild.

What is their fatal flaw?

He is blunt as fuck. He doesn’t care if it hurts your feelings, if it’s something that has to be said, he’ll say it.

What Greek God would they be most like?

Aletheia, the god of truth and sincerity

Who do they looks the most up to?

His mom

If they had to pick between their best friend or significant other, who would they pick?

At the moment, he would pick Cecily over anything, and doesn’t see that changing anytime soon.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #295

i’m not listening to music so am blanking on lyrics to put here lol

Who’s your favorite rapper? And your favorite song by this rapper? Eminem. "Cinderella Man" is probably my favorite, or "Space Bound." How about your favorite band? And your favorite song by this band? Ozzy Osbourne, if I had to pick solely one. God, picking a favorite song, though... idk, maybe "Trap Door," but it's almost impossible for me to decide. Have you ever had the cops called on you? For what? No. Would you rather be home alone, or have people with you? Why? I'd rather have people home, but alone in my room. I just feel less lonely. Have you ever dropped a class in school? Which class, and why did it suck? I dropped some class in college that I can't remember the name of... I completely misjudged what it would be like. I had absolutely zero interest. I feel like I've dropped another, too? Have you ever taken someone back, who ended up just hurting you again? No. Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Nicole. What was the last thing you printed? Is there even ink in your printer? Something for school, I'm sure. Do you remember the first time you ever drove a car? Who were you with? Yeah, my driving instructor in HS. Have you ever been in handcuffs? Why, exactly? Yeah, to be transported from the ER to psych hospitals, as well as handcuffs among other restraints when going to court to explain why I was eligible for an earlier discharge from the hospital. That's one of the scariest experiences of my life, feeling like a bound lunatic. Have you ever had to be put to sleep at a hospital? Why? Yeah, for two surgeries. Do you actually have a calendar on your wall? What are the pictures of? I have two old meerkat ones that are just for decoration. Have you ever been on a cruise? How many? Where did they go? No. Do you have a favorite author? No. Does your significant other boss you around a lot? I don't have one, but I wouldn't tolerate that shit. Do you know anyone who has overdosed? Me, but I obviously lived. I think I've loosely or distantly known people who weren't so lucky. Are you a fan of PDA (public displays of affection)? As long as it's not too intense, I think it's sweet. It's beautiful to see love expressed. When was the last time you went bowling? A few years ago for Girt and my first date. Do you personally know anyone who is transgender? I do. Have you ever written anything longer than 10 pages? Yes, for school essays. I think my longest was about toxic masculinity. I'm actually really proud of it; I think my instructor used it as an example for her next semester's students, given that I was notified of an influx of views on it. Do you have any names picked out for your future children? What are they? Hypothetically speaking, if I had a daughter, Alessandra is her name, period, lol. I would like to name my never-happening son Damien, but I'd be more open to suggestions from my partner. Have you ever been given a lapdance by an actual stripper? Oh yikes, no thank you. Do you have/want any piercings? I have a good number and seriously want more. What side of the bed do you sleep on? More towards the left. Who is the last person you told a secret to? Nicole, about Misty coming down here for a visit. Have you ever been on an island? Yes, just off the NC coast during a 4th grade school vacation. It was amazing and even had wild horses. What's your favorite job you've ever had? I guess GameStop was the best, since I was actually interested in what I worked with. Do you have any vacations planned? No. Do you enjoy getting manicures/pedicures? How often do you get them? I mean it's nice I guess, but it's not something I'd spend money on. Have you yelled at anyone today, and why? No. Do you own anything with your state or providence's name on it? No. Do you like the Paranormal Activity movies? Yeah. Paranormal is my favorite subgenre of horror. What's your favorite way to eat peanut butter? On waffles, haha. Do you like bows? Yeah, they're cute. Have you ever made a 'haul' YouTube video? No. Has a boyfriend ever made you breakfast? Yeah, that was quite ordinary with Jason since his original intention was to be a chef. What do you gather your change in? My wallet. Do you like to play Angry Birds? I never have. The movie was cute, tho. Do you like Cheez-Its? Oh GOD. I looooove Cheez-Its and they need to be kept away from me to avoid bingeing on them. Have you ever been pulled aside for a random bag search at an airport? I don't think so, no. What’s your favorite flavor of Jell-O? Watermelon, I think? Or strawberry? Do you have any games on your computer? Which ones? On my personal laptop, I have World of Warcraft, Alien: Isolation, Resident Evil 6, and both Amnesia games. I think that's it. What's a musical instrument you think sounds really beautiful? Violins. Do you have a favorite type of pasta? (like a shape of noodles, not dish) I'm not particular about this, really. What's the coolest natural event you've ever witnessed? Maybe the blood moon. Are there any waterfalls near where you live? No, just dams. Do you personally know anyone who is an author? I know people who have had smaller works published, but calling them an "author" feels odd since it's not their actual career or anything. Is that rude? Do you own a polaroid camera? No, but that'd be cool. Do you think you’ll ever end up in rehab? No. Who’s your favorite Kardashian sister? I don't have an opinion. Is there someone you absolutely cannot stand but have to tolerate? My sister's husband. "Absolutely cannot stand" might be a bit strong, but... Do you want to go to pregnancy classes? If I was to ever be pregnant, no. My mom would be able to answer all things related to this, haha. Do you ever cringe at the thought of living in a disgusting house? Yes. What color are your bathroom towels? We have a variety. How often do you let cleavage show? I'm not very revealing, but I'm also not self-conscious of allowing some. Does vintage stuff appeal to you? Yes! Where do you want to go? I'd love to visit Sara again, but not so long as Covid hangs around. Have you ever had feelings for two people at the same time? Something like that with Jason and Juan before I chose Jason. I don't even really know if I like-liked Juan versus just being flattered by him. Would you ever throw out or give away something an ex gave you? I mean, what's the item in question? And are we on good terms (not that that would always matter)? What's the biggest annoyance in your life right now? Right now, Covid. I know, surprising I didn't say "not having a job," but so long Covid is an issue, I don't think I would be comfortable having one. I can't bring that shit home to my weak mother. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? Mom. What do you want right this second? To actually be skinny again. It's hard to believe in my teens I thought I wasn't. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? I'm actually quite the opposite... It's sad, I know I'd have less trouble losing weight if I could just stop drinking it regularly. Have you ever been afraid to get up and go to the bathroom? ... No...? Have you ever paid for any kind of online membership? I don't believe so, no. Who’d you last see in a tux? Hm. Probably when I shot a wedding. Out of everyone you know, who has the most heart? Uhhhh I dunno. Who’s the bravest person you know? Probably my mom. Who would you want to have your back if things got tough? Again, my mother. Have you ever dated someone who was really sporty? Nah. Are you any good at writing? I think so. What’s your favorite form of writing? I don't know if it counts as a "form" as much as it is a subject, but RP. Writing with characters you yourself have created and actually engaging with other's inventions is very fun. Have you ever done something terrible, but took forever to feel bad? Yes, over things I'd said to Jason following the breakup. It literally took years because I was so convinced it was all justified. What did you dream about last night? I don't remember. Sure feels great though that my nightmares are chilling out. What profession do you admire the most? That's tough, but probably those that put their lives on the line for others, like firefighters. I also have massive respect for people like doctors, given all the time and work they put into their education to become one and help others. Have you ever made a fake profile, for any reason? No. Have you ever questioned your sexuality? Well, seeing as I was an initial homophobe that eventually realized I was bisexualllll... Do you have a garden at your house? No. Do you like making puppet figures with your shadow? When I was a kid, sure. Have you ever played strip poker or would you ever? No, but I won't say absolutely never if I was just with my s/o. It's not something I'm actually interested in doing, though. Would you date someone who didn’t want to have sex until they were married? Yep. Would you date someone who went to church on a regular basis? To be totally honest, I don't know if me and a person that actively religious would work out, but I'd try it, ig. What is your favorite curse word? I say "fuck" way too much lmao. It's an intense word and I'm a passionate person, lol. What movie do you know just about every line from? None. Do you prefer cupcakes or muffins? Cupcakes. What are the three “nevers” of your life? To name just a few that I'm absolutely certain about, I'd never do hard drugs, commit murder (unless in self-defense, but is that even "murder?"), or abuse somebody. Last board game you played? I think it was "Sorry!" when I was babysitting Ryder. Last card game you played? Christ, Uno. My niece went through a phase of like obsessively playing it with me because I would let her win. Last thing you got for free? Christmas gifts. How long have you been tattooed? If you’re not, do you want to get tattooed? I got my first tat the day I turned 18. Last baby shower? My sister's last year. Last wedding? A repeat photography client's. Her family is lovely. Last funeral? I don't think I've been to a funeral (not wake) since I was maybe a preteen and my childhood babysitter died... It's sad that I didn't go to my grandmother's, but I didn't really have that choice. What is your band’s name? Or fantasy band ;)? Haha, my Rock Band one was "Bullets and Butterflies." How many different strip clubs have you been to? None. Do you have any nieces/nephews? Technically a lot, but only three are regular parts of my life. How many cars have you ever owned? Me personally, none. Can you do math in your head well? ABSOLUTELY not. Who is your favorite Star Wars character? I only care about the Ewoks ok. I'm not a fan of the franchise. Have you ever been to a bachelor/bachelorette party? No. Have you ever bailed anyone out of jail? No. Have you ever given someone a fake phone number? No. Do you have any bumper stickers on your car? N/A Have you ever gone golfing? Only mini-golfing as a kid. Well, and on an anniversary date with Jason. Actual golfing doesn't interest me. If you became famous for something, what would it be? To be entirely realistic versus idealistic, probably something I wrote. How many friends do you have that are married? A whole lot. Do you still have your wisdom teeth? Yes. When you were a kid, were you ever afraid of cooties? No, it was just a playful joke. Do you ever go Christmas caroling in December? No. Do you like mango? Mango flavored stuff, oh yes. I don't like actual mangos; they're too mushy. What was the last thing you got falsely accused of? I don't know. Have you ever been kicked out of a store? No. What does caffeine do to you? Nothing, really. I think I'm too accustomed to it being in my system. Would other people describe you as creative? Very. Would you rather paint or carve a pumpkin? Hm, maybe paint. Names of best friends you've had: Brianna, Kimberly, Jenna, Megan, Mini, Sara... I don't remember them all. Were you one of the smartest in your class? Through most of my school experience, yes. Will you let your kids have a YouTube channel, do you think? If I wanted kids, it would depend on their age and what they were making. Have you ever owned a designer purse? No. Do you like the taste of Tums? Taste, yes. Chalky texture, fuck no. I like the chewy ones, though. Are you currently learning a new language? No. What culture are you most interested in learning about? Maybe Indian? Do you own anything skull print? Oh, loads of stuff. Who are the three people you consider yourself closest to? Mom, Sara, and uh... Dad. Do you like crackers with your soup? Soggy crackers are gross. I don't really like soup, anyway. Which ex of yours means the most to you? Sara. What is something that never fails to make you feel accomplished? Cleaning. Do wooded areas freak you out in the evening or night? No, I love 'em. Have you ever ridden on the back of a motorcycle? No, I'm not comfortable with the idea of riding one. Do you iron any of your clothes? No. Do you think long, straight hair is pretty? Yes, if it's healthy. Do you have a fireplace in your home? Yes. Did you have a class pet in grade school? No. Have you ever owned an aquarium? No. Do you prefer mints or gum? I'd say gum. Popsicles or fudgesicles? Ohhh, fudgesicles. What is your favorite flavor of hot pockets? I only even moderately enjoy the ham and cheese ones. Do you like apple juice? Yeah, but there's definitely better juices.

[bookwormcheerleader]

i was tagged by @trevorfindsthestrals (LOOK i finally got internet access on my laptop again!! Sorry it took so long) 1. Coffee or tea? tea, i had my first cup of coffee on like thursday last week 2. Black and white or color? black or soft, but not pastel, colours 3. Drawings or paintings? idk, whatever is more moving in that moment i guess 4. Dresses or skirts? dresses because i never know how to match with a skirt 5. Books or movies? how DARE you make me choose, i think books, but i wanna make movies (potentially havent really explored that yet) so it seems like the wrong answer 6. Pepsi or Coke? i dont drink fizzy drinks 7. Chinese or Italian? definitely italian on an everyday basis but i LOVE chinese too 8. Early bird or night owl? its almost midnight and i havent started my reading for tomorrow, that counts as an answer right? 9. Chocolate or vanilla? chocolate, unless its a milkshake 10. Introvert or extrovert? introvert, i don’t really like people 11. Hugs or kisses? ive never been kissed so hugs 12. Hunting or fishing? aesthetics of hunting but uh with fishing you can not put a hook on the line and just kinda sit there and chill without looking like the animal lover that your family judges you for being 13. Winter or summer? yes. idk im probably more of a summer person, but i also really like the implications of winter in that everything has to die in order to be reborn, plus i can’t really breathe in the heat, but i also have poor circulation in my extremities so the cold sucks ass 14. Spring or fall? spring, i like the crisp air of fall dont get me wrong, but the rebirth and the petrichor after a spring rain with a crisp breeze that doesnt chill you is just so relaxing 15. Rural or urban? i grew up in the woods so rural but i need to at least be kinda close to a hospital to avoid panicking  16. PC or Mac? pc 17. Tan or pale? is this preference, cuz i dont have one of those, but i am so white that i was the same color as my cheer uniform in high school 18. Cake or pie? cake, i dont like pie crust 19. Ice cream or yogurt? frozen yogurt tbh, it jsut tastes fresher and less heavy 20. Ketchup or mustard? my brother likes to mock me for how much i loved ketchup when i was like 7 as if it was yesterday 21. Sweet pickles or dill pickles? i dont like pickles 22. Comedy or mystery? can we do a hybrid where its like theyre fighting crime but have no ability to act serious, cuz im basically writing a comic book like that with @spectralflutterbeast 23. Boots or sandals? i live in a colder wetter climate so usually boots, but i love sandals 24. Silver or gold? i like white gold typically because its often a mix, it has the matching ability of silver with the warmth in color of gold 25. Pop or Rock? i grew up on steve miller and journey from my mom and simon & garfunkel from my dad 26. Dancing or singing? all i can think of is my shitty karoke the other night, so uh dancing, at least i don’t suck more at that when im drunk 27. Checkers or chess? checkers is easier and i could probably actually win, but chess is more likely to hold my attention 28. Board games or video games? we used to do family board game nights (im currently holding the winnign streak for clue because any games played without everyone dont count) (my extended family is also obsessed with card games, its how we bond, we talk shit and play cards) 29. Wine or beer? wine if i have to have one of these, i dont like fizzy stuff ever so no beer but wine dries out my mouth 30. Freckles or dimples? i have freckles, and i love it when people have dimples 31. Honey mustard or BBQ sauce? i guess bbq 32. Body weight exercises or lifting weights? idk what body weight exercises includes but i have always liked lifting weights, its something im fairly good at 33. Baseball or basketball? BASEBALL IS THE BEST I LOVE IT, i miss playing it so much but its been too long for me to feel comfortable joining an intramural team 34. Crossword puzzles or sudokus? sudoku...i think 35. Facial hair or clean shaven? preference right, um stubble.... im not big on full beards (probs cuz my dad has always had one, seriously pics from when he was 20 we are the exact same but he has a beard, he says he hasnt shaved his upper lip since he was 16) clean shaven is nice too tho 36. Crushed ice or cubed ice? i prefer no ice, but if i have to i like that ice you get in hospital cafeterias 37. Skiing or snowboarding? never been 38. Smile or game face? smirking, its the happy medium 39. Bracelet or necklace? i feel naked without any piece of my jewelry (watch on right wrist, a bracelet on my left, a necklace for me to fidget with, both sets of earrings) 40. Fruit or vegetables? fruit 41. Sausage or bacon? bacon 42. Scrambled or fried? scrambled unless its on toast 43. Dark chocolate or white chocolate? dark chocolate 44. Tattoos or piercings? i have two sets of piercings and i just got my first tattoo last month 45. Antique or brand new? antique unless its something i would feel like i couldnt be comfortable using, i always wind up with a very eclectic mix 46. Dress up or dress down? dress down, never really have a reason to dress up 47. Cowboys or aliens? cowboys, space gives me anxiiety 48. Cats or dogs? dogs 49. Pancakes or waffles? depends on who is making the pancakes 50. Bond or Bourne? uhhhh what 51. Sci-Fi or fantasy? fantasy 52. Numbers or letters? letters 53. Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings? lotr tbh 54. Fair or theme park? fair, i grew up in puyallup (look it up, i can even sing the old theme song) 55. Money or fame? money, i want to buy my parents and aunt nice things 56. Washing dishes or doing laundry? laundry (no icky wet food pieces!) {this is what @trevorfindsthestrals had i just could not have said it any better myself} 57. Snakes or sharks? ummm snakes? cuz theyre smaller and i can run from them if theyre dangerous 58. Orange juice or apple juice? orange 59. Sunrise or sunset? sunsets seem more satisfactory to me 60. Slacker or over-achiever?.....i dont’ know how to answer this question 61. Pen or pencil? pencil, unless im worried about it smudging, then i bought some erasable pens for that 62. Peanut butter or jelly? peanut butter is more filling but i make jam every year so theres that 63. Grammys or Oscars? oscars 64. Detailed or abstract? why cant we do both, like a painting that is overall abstract but the closer you get the more you see the things that make it what it is, ya know, like life 65. Multiple choice questions or essay questions? idk multiple choice questions are harder to get wrong for not having enough info about a particular topic, but im good at and enjoy bsing things 66. Adventurous or cautious? i wish i was more adventurous but insecurities 67. Saver or spender? yes 68. Glasses or contacts? i dont wear either 69. Laptop or desktop? laptop 70. Classic or modern? what medium 71. Personal chef or personal fitness trainer? i would like a personal trainer until i get back in the habit of it and then i would jsut need a gym buddy 72. Internet or cell phone? cell since you cna get internet on your phone 73. Call or text? social anxiety so texting  74. Curly hair or straight? mine is beach wavy 75. Shower in the morning or shower in the evening? ive been showering in the morning because i like what it does to my hair 76. Spicy or mild? spicy please 77. Marvel or DC? wonder woman was my first favorite character, like about the time that bugs life came out because i obviously had two and the other was Flick  78. Paying a mortgage or paying rent? rent, i like assurance but i dont like permanence 79. Sky dive or bungee jump? never been but uh im not that trusting so i probably am jsut gonna go with a no 80. Oreos or Chips Ahoy? chewy chips ahoy 81. Jello or pudding? jello 82. Truth or dare? im a chicken so truth 83. Roller coaster or Ferris wheel? roller coaster, ferris wheels are all of the fear with none of the fun 84. Leather or denim? I NEED BOTH I CANT CHOOSE 85. Stripes or solids? stripes and fat people lol no, solids for me 86. Bagels or muffins? bagels probably 87. Whole wheat or white? whole wheat 88. Beads or pearls? pearls, my mother was a jeweler for 13 years, i cant not 89. Hardwood or carpet? hard wood in a hall, tile or linoleum in the kitchen and bathroom and then carpet everywhere else 90. Bright colors or neutral tones? uhhhh for what, cuz it really depends  91. Be older than you are or younger than you are? i want to be like 34, not rn obviously, im enjoying being 20 and stupid, but i feel like 34 is a good age, of course thats abotu how old my bros were when i idolized them so that might be reflective of that 92. Raisins or nuts? raisins, partially because every time my dad sees nuts he says nuts for the nutty and it has become a conditioned response for me now 93. Picnic or nice restaurant? picnic 94. Black leather or brown leather? brown 95. Long hair or short hair? mines somewhere in the middle 96. “Ready, aim, fire” or “Ready, fire, aim”? wtf does the second even mean 97. Fiction or non-fiction? fiction 98. Smoking or non-smoking? i have asthma 99. Think before you talk or talk before you think? i wish i could think before i talk more than i actually do 100. Asking questions or answering questions? i like to listen to people imma tag: @kiavachiisanoob @warriorsatthedisco @colecast1 and anyone lookinng for an excuse to do one of these

[cursemcrked]

Hey there, and thanks for taking a second to browse through these!  I was going to make a special page for it, but every time I do, I end up hating the theme and changing it fifty billion times, so I’m giving this a shot!  Anyway, this might seem like a lot as far as ‘rules’ are concerned, but most of it is just outlining what to expect on this blog so there won’t be any (potentially unpleasant) surprises later on.

So, most important is credit!  This part will be updated as I change things around on the blog:  The image used in my avatar is ‘Jashin’s Apostle’ by the incredibly-talented Roggles.

This is an independent, semi-selective roleplaying blog.  Probably should throw canon-divergent in there, too, as it’s bound to happen somewhere down the line.  The only reason I’m saying ‘selective’ at all is because I’m a person who is overwhelmed very easily with replies (I’ll explain why in a minute here), so I’d like to limit my interactions to something manageable.  Just because I turn down an interaction does not mean that a) I don’t want to write with you, b) I will never want to write with you, c) I don’t like you or your character, or d) I’m shutting down any interaction we might have.  Even if I say ‘hey, i’m not looking for more threads at the moment’, that does not mean we can’t plot something out for when I’m not so swamped, or that we can’t scream about our muses together, or just chat out of character for a while.  I’m just temporarily turning down another thread, I’m not turning you down.

This blog is going to contain a lot of…let’s call it questionable material, given the nature of Hidan. In the interest of staying true to his character, I will not shy away from this stuff, meaning there will be a lot of blood, violence, gore, and the like.  It will, however, be tagged to hell and back, and if I’m threading with someone who is uncomfortable writing out all of that stuff, I will be happy to discuss the outcome with said partner (because continuity is an awesome thing, in my opinion) and do a fade to black.  

Hidan will not kill your character unless I have your explicit permission.  I will draw the line at serious wounds (again, with your permission).

The only topics I will never approach, as I find them just…ick:  incest, pedophilia, rape.  This list will probably grow as I think of things/am approached for topics.

OCs are welcomed with open arms on this blog, as are crossovers and AUs.  Doesn’t matter if I’m familiar with the fandom or not, whether they have a fandom or not (in the case of ocs).  Give them to me, please and thank.

I’m going to be slow.  Like, herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter slow.  I work a lot, run another roleplay blog, and have IRL stuff going on quite a bit (which sucks, but you know).  Patience is greatly appreciated.  A nudge after a few days is a-okay, even encouraged, since I’m pretty scatterbrained 99.99% of the time; multiple nudges over the span of like, two days?  Eh, not so much.  I don’t think anybody appreciates that. It’s also worth noting that, if you write a thing for me (be it a starter, an ask, a drabble, etc.) and I don’t give it a like, I haven’t seen it, so please please please nudge me and let me know it’s there!  I don’t want anybody thinking I’m ignoring them or something.  

I am not my muse.  And – you know what, I’m gonna say it again, since I’ve had issues with this in the past:   I am not my muse.  Hidan is an asshole.  He’s going to be rude, obnoxious, foul-mouthed, and just generally disrespectful, because that’s….just him.  His feelings on something (another muse, a situation, a particular topic, whatever) do not always mirror mine.  If you’re ever wondering about my personal stance on anything, feel free to ask me, as I have no problem sharing, but please do not assume that he and I are going to agree on everything.

Shipping:  Since lots of folks love this particular topic, I gotta make sure it’s covered.  I love to ship as much as the next person, but only if the chemistry is there between our muses!  Hidan is going to be…a pain in the ass to get close to, honestly, but I’m not going to say it won’t ever happen.   But, please don’t force ships.  Kills the thread, kills the mood, kills the muse.  Not a good thing.

I’m not exclusive, but I will be ship exclusive.  Like, say, I’ve got a ship going with character A, and another version of character A comes along.  I will gladly write with that second version, but any discussion of a potential ship will be shut right down, as I’ve already got it with the first.

I am of age (21+), as is my muse, and there will undoubtedly by NSFW material appearing on this blog.  Most of it will be contained to writing, with the occasional image thrown in, and it will be tagged (regardless of what form it may take), with a general nsfw //, (subject) //, and (subject) cw..  Pretty obsessive when it comes to tagging, as I really don’t want my followers blasted with stuff they don’t want to see.  Also, if there’s anything specific you need tagged, let me know!  I’ll be more than happy to do it for you.

Unless it's part of a thread, dirty NSFW stuff will mostly show up on Sunday (Sinday) only. Again, all will be tagged.

It should be a given, but since it’s apparently not:  I will happily write with anyone and everyone, but NSFW stuff will NOT be written with folks under the age of 18.  And please, please do not lie about your age.  It’s rude and could potentially get people in trouble, so…yeah.  Please don’t.

I like using small text, with an icon or two thrown in, and most of the time, my replies will end up on the longer side.  In no way do I expect my partners to match me; length, style, whatever.  Doesn’t matter.  As long as I have something to work with, we’re good.  And, if you need me to use normal text for our threads, just let me know!  I’ll be glad to do so.

OOC communication will be kept between the other mun and myself.  If you send me an ask out of character regarding some matter between us, it will be answered privately unless it’s for a meme I reblogged or you specifically ask me to post it.  OOC discussions are strictly between you and I, not us and the rest of the dashboard.

Memes, I frickin’ love memes.  Rarely will a day go by that I don’t reblog one of some kind, and these are, of course, for everybody.  If you’re feeling one of them, send it in!  Memes are great ice-breakers, so I welcome any and all.  I don’t do reblog karma, either.  If you want to send the thing, send the thing.  If you like the meme, want to reblog it, and don’t feel like sending the thing, reblog away and don’t send the thing.  It’s all good!  Sometimes those things just don’t work, and that’s a-okay by me.  I’m not going to try and guilt you into sending me stuff.

Constructive criticism is good and highly encouraged.  I’m always looking to improve on stuff, so thoughts and opinions are always welcome.  Hate, on the other hand, is not.  Hate will be laughed at, deleted, and the sender will be blocked.  If someone cannot conduct themselves like a decent human being, they’re not worth anyone’s time.  So – yeah, just don’t.  Might sound a little harsh, but in my time roleplaying on Tumblr I have seen so much hate thrown around the dash, and I’m absolutely fed up with it.

Minor godmodding is alright.  Like, if you’re writing a starter or answering a meme thing that I sent you, and you need my muse doing/saying something specific, then go ahead and write it in that they did the thing!  If we’re threading and yours asks something minor of mine (’pass that to me, would you?’), it’s okay to assume it was done!  So long as it doesn’t go further than that, it’s perfectly fine.

While I may not send in passwords, phrases, or whatever people are using now, I read everyone’s rule page – no exceptions.  So, rest assured, if you see my URL in your followers list, your rules have been read.  And I’ll probably read them again when we start interacting, just so I make sure I don’t miss anything.

My followers are welcome to hit me up on other platforms; Skype, Discord, Steam, and so forth.  Just lemme know which one you want, if you do at all, and I’ll be happy to give you my handle(s).

And that…should cover the important points.  I’ll update this as situations arise, or I remember stuff.  In the meantime, though, I want to thank you again for reading through these, and I’m looking forward to meeting and writing with you all!

[sunshinedreary]

The Peanut Butter Sandwich

Once, in middle school, I saw my father make a peanut butter sandwich and I’ve never forgotten it.

Peanut butter is a critical food in my life, and always has been. I’m fond of saying that if I ever develop a peanut allergy I will be fucked beyond all comprehension because there’s a lot of peanut butter consumption happening here. Whenever I admit this fear, I shine it up with a layer of humor, but I am actually afraid of its potential to materialize. A woman I know and love ate peanut butter often for many years of her life and then stopped eating it for a spell, no reason in particular. When she started eating it again, she realized she had developed a peanut allergy and hasn’t eaten it since but told me with sorrowful eyes and a disappointed mouth that she misses it every day. This tale radiates Edgar Allan Poe levels of foreshadowing and horror for me, despite the fact that it is delivered by a tall slip of a garden-goddess whose short gray hair sparkles and whose eyes shine with love and positivity on the grayest day. I cannot break up with peanut butter; ours is a relationship that has existed for a very long time.

Peanut butter is an Everything Staple for those of us who don’t [YET] have a [MAYBE? JESUS CHRIST, MAYBE?] peanut allergy. Part of why I eat it so much probably stems from the fact that I grew up with a single mother who lived in a constant state of obsession over what she ate, and by extension, what I ate. Before you get mad at her, let me assure you that there was no shaming going on, no judgement. While it was impossible not to personally imprint the world’s view of people who don’t have tiny figures, my mother approached food almost empirically, like she was a food scientist pulling apart the complex chemistry of nourishment to decipher the reasons why things that tasted so good could attach to her thighs and belly and then turn from flesh into an emotional burden of guilt and self-scrutiny. I like to say I am making up for lost time with long-lost food loves from my childhood and the picky first quarter of my life, peanut butter lives in that forbidden pantry for me along with garlic, sour cream, and sugar cereals. Look, I don’t write sonnets and poetic love couplets about garlic as a result of being given a stepfather who loathes its very existence, YOU DO.

Anyway, my mother never made me feel bad about myself and how I looked, she always encouraged and loved me. But her intense focus on the food she ate sort of rubbed off on me and stigmatized certain foods that I ate. Sometimes it was a direct attack: peanut butter was in the cross-hairs, probably because I always wanted it. I’d happily eaten regular Jif during all of my early years and then somewhere around the time I turned eight, she became convinced that peanut butter was going to make us both sick and give us cancer. She’d already had breast cancer, but was understandably concerned about staying in remission, so the conventional wisdom at that time was to worship at the shitty altar of low-fat foods. From that moment on, my life was a guessing game of When Is Peanut Butter Evil And When Is It A Friend? My mother wavered between ostracizing the delicious, sugary, and fatty foods we liked and determinedly choosing the reduced fat EVERYTHING. There was no constant, but certain food items were more demonized than others. To whit, I still feel guilty as a 38-year-old adult looking at sugar cereals in the grocery store. I feel like she knows. And she doesn’t like it.

Reduced fat Jif, by the way, is like a thick, congealed, freakish science experiment that’s gone wrong: the sugar and the peanuts stopped emulsifying at the exact moment when they were destined to be at their most disgusting states, and just before it all hardened up, someone stirred in a healthy dollop of earwax. Sorry for that.

I just want to be clear that regular Jif is excellent (and the only peanut butter to use in baking). I like the Crunchy Jif too, but if we are going with the maximum awesome for crunchy peanut butters, I err on the side of Skippy Extra Crunchy, because: yes. If you want to know about natural peanut butters, I will always pick crunchy natural peanut butter, and it’s got to be Crazy Richard’s or Teddy for me. When they add salt to natural peanut butter, it’s a food crime. Come at me.

You begin to see that my relationship with peanut butter is not unlike a great romance (or a Shakespearean comedy where I am Falstaff, but with peanut butter instead of spirits), fraught with ups and downs. Allow me to complicate it a little more:

Every time I pull out a butter knife and use it to slowly and carefully spread whatever type of peanut butter I happen to want at that moment on whatever type of bread I happen to have at that moment, carefully…out to the edges…I think of my father, not my mother. Why? You want to know why. I just wasted a shitload of your time on a peanut butter soliloquy that orbited my mother’s decades-long audit of a nut butter, not discussing the fact that my dad is an actual asshole who ruined peanut butter sandwiches for me over the course of perhaps 27 years of my life.

Here is the plain truth: for all of my mother’s food obsessions, reduced fat Snackwell cookies one day and Saralee pound cake, Mrs. Richardson’s fudge sauce, and vanilla ice cream the next, the confusion she created only manifested with food items, not with WHO I WAS or WHAT I LOOKED LIKE. My father used food as a weapon to shame me into whatever it was he thought I should be (I still don’t know what that is, by the way). My confusion is compounded because I couldn’t deny my paternal genes if I wanted to: we are all short, thick, and would have made excellent peasants back in the dark ages. What I’m saying none too bluntly is that not a one of us are pulling any awards for shapely figures or gorgeous looks. Middle of the road in all ways physical.

My parents divorced when I was three and my father had custody every other weekend (I was not a fan of this). He eventually remarried, conveniently, the weekend before my mother got remarried, in the same month of the same year. Every other weekend, my father and stepmother would deride and scold me for what I ordered if we went out to dinner; they would stare at every bite I took, and control the food in the house so I never ate without them knowing what and how much. My stepsister was tall and thin, whereas I am rather shaped like a frostycone, so I suspect that she did not have the same rules imposed on her when I was not around. I would ask for snacks and they would say no. They did everything but lock the pantry. We were allowed dinner on Friday night and then one lunch item on Saturday before dinner. I was restricted. My stepsister ate what she wanted, when she wanted, and would quietly slip away from time to time. We know why.

My mother bought me a super heinously ugly sweater at The Gap once when I was in eighth grade. It was thick and bulky, sprinkled with white and green pine trees and white horizontal stripes over a light gray background. If I’m honest, it was not real on-brand for The Gap, I am still shocked to this day that they sold such a shitbird design in their stores, so naturally I hated the shapeless wonder and refused to wear it until my mother guilted me into it (precisely twice). The second time I wore the sweater was the last time. It was a Sunday afternoon and almost time for my father to bring me home, which put me in a good mood. He and I ran into one another in the living room when I came downstairs for a drink of water. He hadn’t seen me yet that day, and I will qualify the WTF-ness of not having seen him all day by telling you that before he got remarried, the public library in town spent more time with me than he did. He and my stepmother did whatever they did downstairs (their bedroom and office were on the first floor) while my stepsister and I watched TV upstairs in her bedroom. My father’s face immediately flashed in anger and he grabbed the sleeve of my sweater, “What is this shit you’re wearing? Why do you always look so bad? Why can’t you ever wear clothes that LOOK GOOD?”

I just stared at him, gobsmacked, feeling much like a tennis ball that just got walloped by a Williams sister. Strangely, the first thing I wanted to say to defend myself was, “She bought it at The Gap, isn’t that good enough for you?”

Yeah kid, the class issues are the real heart of the issue here.

I never ate peanut butter sandwiches at my father’s house, even though they always had Old Pride wheat bread and Jif Creamy peanut butter. I remember because I saw my father make a peanut butter sandwich once. It was Saturday, between lunch and dinner. I was standing in the kitchen and my father pulled out the yellow plastic bag of Old Pride- the nutty wheat smell breezed out, little flecks of grain sewn into a soft pillow ready for its fate as a sandwich. The lid unscrewed from the Jif quietly and that immediate, powerful smell of peanut butter hit my hungry stomach. My father swirled the peanut butter across the bread, an inch thick. It seemed unthinkable to me and my eyes grew wide. An inch thick. Even when peanut butter was not on the bad list at my mother’s house, it was meant to be used sparingly; I never had full autonomy free from guilt when I made my peanut butter sandwiches. An inch thick. I think my father noticed my face because he hastily layered the top piece of bread on his completed sandwich and gave me a look that was half angry, half embarrassed before removing all traces of food and walking down the hall to his office. An inch thick. I will never forget it. I can still see the countertop, the bread, all that peanut butter- not for me. Made by someone who did nothing but diminish me in ways I still can’t reconcile.

I wish I could make a peanut butter sandwich without thinking of him, but that doesn’t stop me from enjoying them. Luckily, he is only linked to the creation of the sandwich and not the relishing of its taste, texture, and smell. It’s these weird, nuanced moments that show me where he broke me. But there are strange, funny things I associate with my father as well. He calls long toenails “lunch hooks” and I will never know why, but it makes me laugh. He taught me the ideal way (in my opinion) to eat a muffin: slice it in half horizontally and butter the inside of each half. I still say, “Don’t let it get away from you” about staying on top of tasks and that is purely my father. I’m militant about notifying people when I receive things from them in the mail, because he told me it’s the right thing to do, AND IT IS. When he laughs, it’s rare, but it’s a deep belly laugh, and it’s nice because he only does that when it’s true. My father is not a sympathy laugher, he’s not here to make you feel good about anything. He’s worked hard to educate himself and gain upward mobility in his jobs, but he’s also been an asshole to a lot of people in his personal life. I just know he is not allowed to be an asshole about my motherfucking peanut butter sandwiches anymore.

Update 4/15/20: I haven’t thought about my father while making a peanut butter sandwich since I first wrote this. I’ll take the win.

[authorracheljoy]

100 Followers!! WTF!!

Hey, so I finally managed to hit 100 followers here on Tumblr! Just HOW did that happen O.O Seriously WHAT?! Anyway, to celebrate this first milestone, I thought it’d be cool and justified to do 100 facts about myself ;) Sorry if some of ‘em suck! Thanks for everything, guys <3

1.) Name Rachel  

2.) Where are you from? Chandler, Arizona ^^

3.) How old are you? 21!

4.) Do you have any siblings? Yes! I have an older brother, Matt, and an older sister, Sarah :)

5.) Pets? I currently just have a 7yo boxer-lab mix named Honey ^^

6.) Describe yourself Urghh not good at that at ALL! XD Nope, not gonna do this! ;-; I don’t feel like bringing myself down any more than others have…

7.) What do you do for fun? Write, read, watch/obsess over Gravity Falls, & listen to music!

8.) Do you have a job? What do you do? I do NOT have a job ;-; Unfortunately…

9.) Have you had other jobs? Nah

10.) What’s your favorite memory? Can’t think of a specific thing! D:

11.) What is one thing you regret? Ruining friendships by being too clingy ;-; Definitely…

12.) What is one thing you wish you would’ve done, but didn’t? Repaired broken friendships… It’s not like I truly regret that, but… yeah :/

13.) One thing about yourself you wish you could change My shyness/awkwardness aaand my acne-prone face! :P

14.) What do you love about yourself? Mmmm my willingness to adapt and try to help others~

15.) Who inspires you? No one in particular, sorry :/

16.) Do you collect anything? Snowglobes!

17.) Do you have any fears? Plenty! Fear of heights, drowning, spiders and living alone for the rest of my life – to name a few :3

18.) Is there anything that annoys you about your job? Don’t have a job -_-

19.) Can you tell us a secret about yourself? Ohgosh… Uhm… What do you guys not know? Oh! My first dealing with ships began with Avatar: The Last Airbender (first I was Kataang then I was Zutara… now I don’t know what I am XD)  not really a secret!

20.) How about another secret? :) WHY?! Frick…hold up… Ehh I’m pretty much an open book, guys ;-; I’m not THAT interesting either…

21.) Favorite band? Hrmm it’s a 3-way-tie between OneRepublic, Imagine Dragons & Panic! At the Disco <3

22.) What music are you currently listening to? Gravity Falls OST ;3

23.) Do you have a favorite song? Ughh it literally changes every day! XD

24.) Do you have a favorite movie? Hmmm I don’t watch too many movies :3

25.) What’s your favorite color? BLUE, first and foremost, but I also love red, purple, and black~

26.) What’s your favorite place you’ve ever been to? Mmm I really REALLY liked New York… But Boston’s pretty sweet too ;)

27.) Ever broken a promise? I try not to, but I’m sure I have…at some point…

28.) Do you have a favorite book? Mmmmm! Maybe XD Like music, that changes at LEAST monthly! XP

29.) What’s your favorite school subject? English! Followed by Science! ;3

30.) Least favorite school subject? Math! Oh, and P.E. (if that counts XD)

31.) What’s your favorite food? Honestly, anything Italian! ;) Oh yeah, and potatoes! ^^

32.) How about least favorite food? Hmmm….

33.) What’s your favorite Holiday? Halloween, but Christmas is a CLOSE second! ^^

34.) What makes you mad? People that purposefully ignore me… but maybe that makes me more insecure and not necessarily mad… huh… I’ll get back to you on that one!

35.) What makes you happy? Chatting with friends and listening to music ^^ <3

36.) Do you have a favorite scent? Mmm apple cinnamon comes pretty close ;D

38.) Do you have a favorite TV show? Not right now!

39.) Can you share an extremely embarrassing moment? You mean every moment of my life – specifically my childhood? Can’t choose!

40.) When is a time you were extremely irritated? VERY recently ;-;

41.) Is there anybody you hate? I honestly don’t hate anybody. If you hate me, I don’t think I’ll be able to reciprocate. I might not talk to you for an honest amount of time, but I would never hate you ;-; It’s always temporary…

42.) What do you look for in a person? Ehh I’m not too picky (other than status in a relationship) but humor plays a big role ;)

43.) How’s the weather? HOT!

44.) Are you currently in school? Yup! Online college ;)

45.) What is your goal in life? Honestly… I want someone who accepts me in all of my awkwardness/shyness and loves me even when I’m lazy or moody :3 I also want to be a successful writer, and that dream’s very slowly becoming a reality ;)

46.) Is there something you should be doing, but keep putting off? Creating a book trailer for a friend of mine :D

47.) Ever been to a concert? Yeahh but it was mainly when I was younger ;-; Nowadays, I wouldn’t be able to afford it…

48.) What was the last movie you saw in theater? Wonder Woman! ^^

49.) What was the last book you read? Lexicon by Max Barry! :3

50.) What is your favorite season? Autumn~

51.) Do you prefer it to be hot or cold? Honestly, hot :P As much as I complain about the heat in AZ, I’m too much of a native here to stand the harsh cold up north ;-;

52.) Do you prefer the sun, the rain, or snow? I like sun and rain, but prefer RAIN~ ^^

53.) If you could go anywhere, where would you go? Currently, anywhere but here >.>

54.) Any current travel plans? Planning a trip to Oregon next year with one of my besties :D

55.) Do you prefer day or night? NIGHT! ^^

56.) Are you an introvert or extrovert? Hardcore introvert~

57.) What is something not many people know about you? I was a cheerleader back in elementary school ;-; Does that… count??

58.) Where are you right now? My room. Why?

59.) Look in front of you. What do you see? My computer :/ *shrugs*

60.) If you could meet one person, alive or dead, who would it be? Any of my online friends, honestly. Or Alex Hirsh. Or Shakespeare. Yeahhh…

61.) Would you rather look into your future, or fix something from your past? Look into my future :3 I wanna forget the past entirely ;-;

62.) If you could sit down with anyone in the world, and talk to them for an hour, who would you like to speak with? @mercurialsmile for sure <3

63.) What was the first CD you ever owned? Ohgod…Um… Probably a Kidz Bop CD? I think?

64.) What was the first CD you ever purchased with your own money? Also hard… happened forever ago… Probably an Imagine Dragons CD?

65.) If you own any Vinyls, which was your first? Don’t own any Vinyls

66.) How many CDs do you own? TOO MANY TO KEEP TRACK OF!! O.O

67.) What relaxes you? Music and talking to my closest friends :3

68.) Do you have any talents? Does being awkward count??

69.) If you could give yourself the ability to do anything, what would it be? The ability to stop being so stressed out all the time… :|

70.) Favorite candy? Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups!

71.) Is anything bothering you right now? Ehh something always seems to be :/

72.) Are you happy with where you are in life right now? Ehhhh I could stand to get a job and get my Dad’s overbearing presence off my back about it -_-

73.) Is there anyone you regret ever associating with? NEVER

74.) Do you have a favorite memory from your childhood? Plenty… Can’t name one specifically right now, tho ;-;

75.) What is your least favorite memory from your childhood. Falling at the local skating rink and hitting my head O.o

76.) Favorite memory of your parents? Whenever they don’t fight…

77.) Do you have a least favorite memory of your parents? Whenever they DO fight… which is often nowadays…

78.) How is your relationship with your parents? It’s… Look, I heavily love my parents. I depend on them. Sometimes they definitely get on my nerves, but I still care about them <3

79.) What’s your family like? Highstrung, at times D: Yeahh we might need serious counseling…

80.) Are you clean or messy? Kinda in the middle, and it depends on which aspect of my life we’re referring to! ;)

81.) What is your most recent purchase? A Tarot deck of cards for Gravity Falls, a bobblehead and a flashlight~

82.) What’s the most amount of money you’ve spent at once? $133 (I don’t have to say what it was for, right?? *begins to sweat*)

83.) What are you saving up for? Gravity Falls stuff!

84.) How much money do you have to your name currently? Wtf… If ya really want to know, my account says $181, which fucking sucks balls -_-

85.) Have you ever done anything last minute? Yah, all the time!

86.) What’s the furthest in advance you’ve planned something? At LEAST a year! :D

87.) Are you an introvert or Extrovert? But I already answered this ;-; Ehhh introvert! (again)

88.) What’s the latest you’ve ever been out of your house? 11pm

89.) Cats or Dogs? Both, but I’m more of a dog-person ;) Still adore cats, tho!

90.) How long have you gone without sleep? I don’t even know…

91.) What were you like as a child? Fucking too quiet!! -_-

92.) What do you miss from your childhood? My friends </3

93.) Do you have a favorite memory from work? Can’t have a memory if you don’t have a work to go to X’D

94.) What’s the scariest thing that’s ever happened to you? Having panic attacks are pretty horrifying D: I can’t breathe…

95.) What’s a bad habit that you have? Nervously awaiting texts/messages and always being naggy ;-;

96.) What are your plans for the summer? Try to get a job; try to survive the heat…yeah

97.) What was the last thing that made you happy? A gift arriving from my friend! ^^

98.) What was the last picture you took on your phone? A picture of my dog ;3

99.) Who was the last person you texted and why? Uhhh that would probably be my mom and she was checking if I was awake or not >.<

100.) Have a message for your followers? Thanks for putting up with my (at times) Tumblr spam! I never thought that in a mere month I’d reach this many followers O.O It’s almost UNREAL! Anyway, thanks so much for following me, and I hope you continue to ;D