#covid did crazy things to my brain

[strangeviscera]

legend

[britneyshakespeare]

why does scheduling my work days give me so much stress and anxiety

[strniohoeee]

I NEED a pregnancy reader x matt smut

Gravid

Pairing: Matt Sturniolo X Female Reader

Synopsis: Y/N is pregnant and yearning for Matt after reading mommy to be books, and learning about her libido spiking….will he give in?😙

Warnings⚠️: SMUT BABES, it’s nothing crazy just sex while pregnant? Idk shit bout being pregnant, so I tried my best LMAOO

Song for the imagine: Baby Love- The Supremes

⚠️This is an 18+ story, so minors do not interact, or do??⚠️

Matt and I had been dating for a good four years. We were both 21 now, and he and his brothers were super famous on YouTube. I always had a feeling they’d get bigger than they thought. I was there for every milestone, and when they hit 5 million subscribers we were so fucking happy

I was occasionally in videos, I preferred to stay out of them as those were his brothers lives, and not mine. However I would pop out here and there since we were 18. At first most fans thought we were friends until we were 20, and finally came out to say that we had been dating since we were 18. We got the expected comments half loving and half hating, but I didn’t care I was secure in my relationship.

However, Matt and I’s anniversary was a while back, and we had fun, LOTS OF FUN consisting of sex, sex and more sex.

But after two weeks I started to feel sick, and sore and just not right, so I decided to go to the doctor thinking it was the flu, or covid. What I didn’t expect was to find out I was pregnant… A WEEK AND A HALF PREGNANT.

I was shocked, but I also knew I wanted to keep this baby, and Matt and I weren’t always the most careful when it came to having sex. But he always told me if I got pregnant he’d take care of me with no questions asked.

I was currently 14 weeks pregnant, and I was showing, but not enough to really make people think. Especially since I dressed to hide my bump, and posed specific ways

The fans suspected nothing, and we didn’t want to say anything till I was almost due. Chris and Nick immediately jumped for joy and were always by my side if Matt couldn’t be. His parents and their brother Justin also supported me.

Mary-Lou and Jimmy would fly out like once a month to spend a few days with Matt and I. They were so excited to be grandparents.

I was reading a lot of what to expect when you’re expect type of books to prepare as best as I could. I was genuinely shocked at all the new information I was finding out

What I did read was starting at 14 weeks women experience a spike in there libido, and I kind of had a feeling because anytime I saw Matt I wanted to jump his bones

It’s called baby brain….we become different, and feral

Matt was out filming with his brothers and I was at home just doing nothing. I heard Matt come home, but I only heard him

He came into the bedroom

“Hey baby” he said putting his stuff down on his desk

“Hey Matt. Where’s Chris and Nick?” I asked

“They went shopping. They said that they wanted to buy some things for the baby” he said walking over and rubbing my little baby bump

“Aww that’s so nice of them. They don’t have to” I said looking up at Matt

“Yeah I know, but they wouldn’t budge they said there’s so many things they want to buy” he said sitting down to take his sneakers off

“They’re too nice I love them” I said as I rubbed my baby bump

Matt came over and laid next to me resting his head on his left hand while looking at me

“What’s my pretty lady been up to?” He asked

“I’ve just been reading these mommy to be books” I said pointing to a stack of books on the nightstand

“Find out anything good?” He asked

“Actually yes, our sex drive spikes at 14 weeks” I told him

“How far along are you?” He asked smirking

“Exactly 14 weeks today” I said winking at him

“Oh well then this must mean one thing” he said smiling at me

“It means you look so fucking hot all the time, I’m ready to jump on you when you walk through that door” I said

“Oh really?” He asked jutting (ew) his bottom lip out while pondering

“Oh yeah, and when you wear those whore outfits looking fine asf. I lose all self respect” I said giving him a kiss

“Oh baby, I don’t know if I’ll be able to control myself” he said kissing me

“So don’t. I want to fuck, and I want it now” I said sitting up

“Won’t I hurt the baby?” He asked

“Matt….. be for real right now. Do you think the baby got his hand hanging out of my cervix ready to high five your dick?” I asked laughing at him

“You’re such a weirdo with your explanations” he said laughing at me

“You will not hurt the baby. It actually says sex is usually more enjoyable when the woman is pregnant” I told him

“So then let’s find out” he said grabbing my cheek and kissing me

Matt laid me back down as he hovered over me kissing me, and then slowly going down to my neck leaving sloppy kisses

“Matt I missed this” I said sighing

“Me too baby” he said coming back up and kissing my lips

He removed his shirt and his pants, and then took my shirt, and shorts off

“You look so fucking hot pregnant” he said gently rubbing my bump

“Maybe after this one we can have another” I said winking at him

“Oh baby I’ll have as many as you want” he said kissing me

Matt had slid off my underwear before coming back up to kiss me, and massaging my breasts lightly because they were a little sore

As he was kissing me, he slowly slid his hand down to massage my clit

“Fuck baby you’re so wet, and I haven’t even done much” he said looking into my eyes

“Matt when I tell you everytime I see you, I need you…I mean it” I told him

“Fuck baby” he said before going back to rubbing my clit, and slowly inserting two fingers inside of me

“Oh fuck Matt that feels so good” I said moaning at the feeling

He kept pumping his fingers in and out of me, before finally removing them, and placing his dick at my entrance

“Ready baby?” He asked

“I’m ready” I said, and slowly Matt slid into me completely bottoming out

“Fuck baby please move” I moaned out to him

Within an instant Matt was thrusting into me at a good pace, not too hard and not too soft. It felt amazing, and his pelvic bone was rubbing against my clit allowing for extra stimulation

“Oh baby I’m going to cum soon” Matt said as he thrusted into me while kissing my neck

“Me too. This feels so fucking good” I moaned out to him

Sex with Matt was always amazing, but I think because of my hormones it felt extra fucking good. I was so fucking wet like the sounds coming from me were insane

Matt kept thrusting into me, and I couldn’t stop clenching down on him

“Fuck matt I’m going to cum” I said clenching down on him harshly

“Come on baby, cum for me” he said thrusting into me and rubbing my clit

“Oh fuckkk” I yelled out as I came so hard all over Matt, my whole fucking body was shaking and my breathing stopped

“Oh my god” I said coming down from my high breathing heavily

Matt soon pulled out, and came all over my lower stomach. He came down from his high, and immediately ran to get a wet rag

“Sorry…cumming on your baby bump feels wrong” he said laughing, and I laughed with him because he’s such a weirdo

“It’s okay you weirdo” I said laughing at him and sitting up

We cleaned ourselves up, and got dressed, and in queue we heard the front door open

“Look at that perfect timing” he said getting up from the bed, and we both walked out to the living room

“We’re BACKKKKK” Nick yelled as he walked in with a ton of target bags full of baby stuff

“Guys what is all this” I said looking at the bags

“Well we have to spoil our unborn niece or nephew” Chris said bringing in more bags

“YALL THIS IS CRAZY” I said as my eyes fell on at least 12 bags of baby stuff

“Listen we’re so excited you have no idea” Nick said

“Hmm” Chris suddenly stopped and looked at Matt and I

“What?” matt said

“I know what was going on here” he said smirking at us

“The fuck are you talking about?” I said

“My poor niece or nephew was getting scrambled….yall was fuckingggggg” Chris said

“The fuck?” Matt said

“Well…..y/n your hair?? And Matt your shirt is on inside out and backwards” Chris said laughing

“MATT” I said smacking him

“OH MY GOD” Nick said laughing

“Uhh sorry?” Matt said getting all shy

We just laughed at this awkward interaction, and then Chris and Matt gave me a haul of what they got me while explaining every single item, and how either they will use it, or how I will use it

The End

Once again I hope yall enjoyed, and for the person that requested this I hope I didn’t disappoint 🥰 also I would like to do a/n at the end of my stories, so if you have any like personal questions, you can ask them here, and I’ll answer them in the next stories endings or as a separate thread 🤭🤭

-J💅🏽

[jmdbjk]

Jimin's mail

I would like to take this opportunity to address the Jimin's "stolen" mail incident and perhaps dispel some misinformation circulating about it in this day and age of shouting sabotage for everything.

This whole topic might be boring to everyone, but my brain won't let go of it so here it is:

This incident occurred early 2022.

For reference: Jimin purchased his apartment at Nine One Hannam in May 2021. It was a brand new building and he is the first owner of his unit. He paid in cash approx. $4.5 million USD.

In January 2022 this apartment unit was seized temporarily by the South Korea National Health Insurance agency (NHI) due to unpaid insurance premiums.

Boring but important: South Korea provides universal healthcare which is funded several ways including citizens paying a percentage of their monthly income. These premiums also fund the Medical Aid program for those who cannot pay.

The controversy: According to the NHI, Jimin was sent four notices by registered mail of his unpaid insurance premiums. But somehow, this correspondence from the NHI never made it to Jimin. BigHit took full responsibility for this "mishandling of the mail". A portion of the BigHit statement reads:

"Regarding this matter, the company is the first to receive all mail that arrives at the artists’ dorms, and in the process of relaying it to the artist, a portion of the mail was omitted by mistake. Due to Jimin’s activities abroad starting at the end of last year, his extended period of rest, and his scheduled activities abroad after that, he was unaware of matters such as [his premiums] being overdue. As soon as he found out, he paid the arrears in full, and at present, the situation has been resolved. We apologize for the fact that we have given the artist and fans cause for concern due to our company’s negligence."

Another source stated that some mail does go directly to members' homes and is retrieved by company staff where it is included with mail sent in care of the company which is then distributed to the respective member if necessary. This corroborates with the above statement by Bighit.

In an artist/agency relationship, one of the things the agency (company) provides are staff/managers who MANAGE their day-to-day business. Managers make it so artists can lead the crazy lives they live. Makes sense as the members are too busy to take care of mundane things like paying bills.

Was REGISTERED mail taken/intercepted/stolen four times from the mail room at BigHit/HYBE? I don't have clarification on that. But seems like taking someone's registered mail would be a punishable crime.

What was going on during this time: The group was on a winter break that began early December 2021 after their activities in Los Angeles concluded. Jin, Jimin and Jungkook returned to Korea almost immediately and entered self-quarantine for ten days before they were free to do what they wanted within the scope of Covid restrictions.

Refreshing everyone's memory about Bangtan and Covid: Dec. 24: Yoongi tests positive for Covid. Dec. 25: Jin and Namjoon test positive. Jan. 30: Jimin's Covid happens simultaneously with appendicitis. Feb. 15: Tae tests positive. Mar. 24: Hobi goes down for the count. Mar. 27: last but definitely not least, JK AFTER arriving in Vegas.

The members, including Jimin, were starting to post on their individual Instagrams in December. Between Dec. 21 to Jan. 9, Jimin posted photos of himself on both Instagram and Weverse at various places from his visit to Jeju Island. We don't know about the timing of the photos, whether they were posted immediately after he snapped them or posted them days/weeks later.

He posted Jan. 7 on Instagram and then his next post, this time on Weverse, wasn't until Feb. 2, immediately following his emergency appendectomy. He was in the hospital between Jan. 30 and Feb. 5 so he posted a message from his hospital bed (sweet baby).

If he did not get his apartment back until April, then he did not know about his apartment situation while he was in the hospital.

But the NHI sent four notices. So backing up further chronologically, if they seized his apartment on January 25, that means the first overdue payment notice was possibly sent in September 2021?

Sept. 13: receiving diplomat passports.

Sept. 20: UN visit and speech in New York

Oct. 24: online PTD concert

Preparations were then focused on PTD LA. They departed Seoul for Los Angeles on November 16, 2021.

They were busy. They depended on their staff to take care of their personal business.

All that time, Jimin was not aware that there was a lapse in his insurance payments. When he was made aware of the situation, he paid it all immediately.

I have no source that states exactly when this payment was received by the NHI or when it was processed.

They left March 28, 2022 for Las Vegas and returned to Seoul on April 18. There are conflicting media stories about exactly when the apartment seizure was resolved. Some say April 22.

When he was still in Seoul and not traveling to the States, where was Jimin sleeping between January 25 and April 22? Where did he recuperate when he was released from the hospital? Where was he watching "The Notebook" for the nth time? Whose sofa was he laid up on? Hmmmmmm? Did he still have access to his apartment even though it was seized? What's the point of seizing it if he still had access to it? Did he even live there? Maybe that's why he didn't know anything about the seizure because he didn't even live there to begin with? But if he did live there and couldn't access his apartment to sleep there because it was seized, why didn't it get resolved sooner than April 22?

I have so many questions.

We also need to remember that it is said during their time in Las Vegas is when Jimin confided in the members about his challenges. And he's said that these feelings ended up being expressed in the songs on his Face album. Maybe he didn't learn about the apartment mess until he was in Las Vegas and that was the catalyst that made him spill his guts to the members. Still doesn't answer a lot of the above questions....

Media broke with the news about the apartment seizure on the day that "With You," an OST for the TV drama "Our Blues," was released, April 24. Despite all this, "With You" became the fastest song in history to reach #1 on iTunes in 100 total countries, breaking the record held by "Dynamite". It is well known that even negative publicity is publicity. Personally, I don't think it had much effect on the success of the song. But Jimin's character did take a hit. Also in my opinion, he has since recovered well from all that crap. Just me talking about this is probably reminding people that this even happened. Sorry. Just forget I said anything. Ha ha. What apartment? Ha.

Whether the timing of the media breaking the story was on purpose or coincidental... we don't know. Stating purposeful sabotage of Jimin's song is speculation. A news outlet will break a story if its titillating enough regardless of timing. Jimin losing his apartment due to unpaid bills is intriguing and high drama involving a member of BTS, of course they were going to push that story out ASAP.

If the apartment seizure was resolved 2 days before the story broke, we don't know how this information got to the media. THAT is the big question. Is there some sort of process that allows this information to be released somewhere accessible to the public (and therefore the media). If so, what is the timing of that? Or did a news media outlet learn about the incident on April 22 and hold on to the information until April 24? We don't know.

Saying the media sabotaged Jimin's OST "With You" is not the full truth. It is misinformation at this point.

With the information I know of, I do not believe there was a break-in at Jimin's apartment. I can't find a reliable source to confirm anything about a break-in, suspicions of a break-in or any mention of one. Nine One is very locked down and secure so a break-in is unlikely. You cannot waltz into the apartment complex and snoop around. Unlike Hannam The Hill, Nine One is surrounded by a high wall with security stations at the entrances. However, someone who had access to his apartment such as a personal assistant or housekeeping could very well have entered without his permission. But we don't know.

If someone was determined to intercept his mail, they may not have needed access to his apartment but only to his mailbox. Where ever that is. We are told all mail is collected by staff or it is sent directly to the company... it is possible it was a mistake but what kind of idiot was handling the mail and "misplaced" registered mail four times? I do not have a reliable source confirming anyone was formally accused of stealing the mail at BigHit. They most likely dealt with it internally. At the time of the incident, I blogged that people were fired and security protocols were reviewed. I stand by that declaration. Since then, Jimin has been unyielding in maintaining his privacy. Only very recently have we seen him relaxing enough to show us glimpses of his matching gaming chairs, ceiling and edges of his television. We even got a quick view of some decor above the tv.

I am still unclear about the doxxing but I myself disturbingly did see an image online of some documents that seemed to have Jimin's personal information on them. I think this information is included in the NHI documents that never made it to Jimin. If those images were really his information and still exist on the internet, I cannot find them. These documents would have his resident registration number on them. I am assuming it's a total pain in the ass to be issued a new one.

I do not have a reliable source confirming that a news media entity is responsible for stealing the mail and also revealing Jimin's personal information. Saying news media broke into the HYBE building during this incident is misinformation.

All of these things that can't be confirmed can only be called hearsay and speculation.

Everything I have stated here is my opinion from information I witnessed as it unfolded in real time, as well as information available if you search for it.

If you lean toward conspiracy theories regarding sabotaging of everything Jimin does you will come to certain conclusions. And if you just take things at face value without speculating beyond that then you will come to a different conclusion. We won't all agree as to what exactly went down. If I come across information that is new to me regarding what happened, I may modify my opinion depending on what the new information is.

What I've stated is all I have to go on. I have questions. But I won't say someone broke into his apartment. I won't say someone stole his mail but I am still skeptical because I have too many other collateral questions about the whole incident.

If anyone else has any confirmed information about the incident and you want to talk about it, my DMs are open, asks are open, or you can discuss in the comments of this post as long as everyone stays respectful. I would love to learn about anything else if you have links to sources with new information.

And apologies for the long ramble because my brain is constantly including details that might not be pertinent but who knows...

[garbbitch]

Controversially young GF

Obvi reader is 18+

not promoting pedophilic behavior folks

for your imagination its at least 5+ years of an age gap.

also, y'all loved the smut i dropped but didn't like the fluff, whats that about?

also y'all can interact with my shit, I like when people do that, comment and reblog it or smnth. I dont bite

unless u want me to.

ok im done. enjoy!

you and julien met at a book store.

"shit, sorry!" you said worried you kicked her or something as you were walking by her. you dropped a book on the ground that she picked up. "it's alright," she said nonchalantly as she stood up. Her eyes moved over you, she smirked a little. you started to walk away. "wait a minute," she said still moving her eyes over you. "i'm julien." she held out her hand for a handshake. "i'm y/n.” you said apprehensively shaking her hand. you notice her little smirk and feel your self blush lightly. julien chuckled. “i think this belongs to you.” she said handing you a book that fell out of your hands when you bumped into her. “myth of sisyphus?” “a friend suggested it to me, i’ve never heard of it before.” you said as you took the book, “thank you.” “i don’t think i’ve ever seen you around here before, are you from around here?” she said nonchalantly leaning on the bookshelf getting a good look at you. “yeah, i’m in school here at the university of (INSERT ANY SCHOOL IDK USE YOUR IMAGINATION)” you say back noticing her tattoos all along her arms. “you like it there?” she asked stepping a little closer to you, not close enough to touch but close enough. “it’s cool, lots of cool classes and people there.” you say back noticing the deliberate closeness. y’all talked for a while and eventually she asked to take you out. you obviously said yes.

She spoils you a little:

nothing too crazy, but for instance for your first date she took you to a really expensive restaurant and didn’t even ask to split the bill even after you offered.

“you look great.” she said when she picked you up from your place for your date. you couldn’t help but blush. “you look really good too jb.” you said to her trying to hide how flustered you were from a simple compliment. as you walked into the restuarant together she put her hand arouund your waist "is this ok?" she whispered in your ear tracing shapes into your hip. "this is great" you said back as you walked in together.

on the date you guys talked about everything and nothing feeling super connected by the end of it.

she took you back to your place, only dropping you off. she walked you to your door. "this was a lot of fun," you said as you and julien reached your door. "i had a great time with you." she said looking down on your lips. you blushed noticing her gaze on your lips.

she didn't kiss you, she wanted to but she also didn't want to make you uncomfortable

after your next date she kissed you

you melted into her touch and she loved the way you leaned into her

you thought about inviting her back to your place but you didn't want to seem too ~needy~ [stupid covid brain lacking words]

you guys went on a couple more dates and the subject of high school came up

"so when did you graduate?" she asked you as you sat in a bar together. [i hope my math is right, dont @ me if its not.] "well i'm still in college but i finished high school in 2020." you said casually to her as you sipped a mocktail. her eyes widdened. "2018?" she asked back to you. [pls tell me this makes the gf 23] "yeah, why?" you asked her, noticing how worried she looked. "You're five years younger than me?" she asked suddenly super worried that she has been dating someone who is too young for her. "i guess so... you're 28?" you asked her, not bothered by the age difference. "yeah." she said quietly. "does the age thing bother you?" you asked her noticing the sudden discomfort. "well no, i just worry about power dynamics. i don't want to accidentally take advantage of you in some way." she said to you as she toyed with the watch on her wrist nervously. [i realized that jb is always wearing a watch n idk it's hot] you touched her hand. "you won't. it's okay. i trust you." you said quietly to her. she closed her eyes like she was thinking about something. "i wouldn't do it on purpose but i just... power dynamics come up all the time and it's almost never on purpose." she said looking at you. "i know, we just need to be open to conversation." you said still holding her hand.

at the end of the date after you guys had a long talk about boundaries you both felt more comfortable

she drove you home and she kissed you outside your door again

you moaned softly into the kiss and she pulled away

"baby-" she started to say and you moved your hands to her hips, "we shouldn't. i want to but..." she said. you groaned softly. "why the but?" you asked with a dramatic pout on your face. "cuz baby, i don't wanna rush things with you." she said softly as she moved her hands to where yours were on her hips. "can we just hang out?" you asked just wanting to spend more time with her. she only looked at you for a moment. "just hanging out?" she questioned half serious the other playful. "yeah." you said quietly. julien nodded and you happily searched for your keys in your bag and invited her in. she looked around your small apartment and smiled. she noticed the smell of your perfume. "wanna watch a movie?" you asked her motioning to a projector you have set up near your day bed.

she resisted the urge to make a joke about you inviting her to bed as you opened up the day bed

she happily watched a couple of movies with you until you fell asleep leaning on her shoulder

she reluctantly woke you up

"baby, wake up." she said softly as she stroked your head trying to wake you up gently. "hmm? what?" you said sleepily as you wiped some drool off your cheek realizing you drooled on her shoulder. "sorry." you said softly as you attempted to wipe it off her shirt sleeve. "it's ok, i'll let you sleep. i'm gonna head out." she said holding your hands gently. "do you need to go?" you asked quietly. "not nenecessarily." she said back, she pushed a piece of hair behind your ear. "can yoy stay?" you asked her not wanting the night to end. "do you have class tomorrow?" she asked you. she didn't want to mess with your school responsibilities. "nope." you told the truth, you just wanted her to stay. "i can stay." she said quietly.

she got comfortable in your bed as you quickly took a shower before getting in bed yourself.

you offered her some clothes to change into and she said it was ok.

you cuddled into her side as you fell asleep.

she stroked your hair as you fell asleep

after some time of going steady she does finally ~stay the night~

im gonna post that another time. be patient with me.

she eventually invites you to move in with her, she makes sure that you have a study room that you could use when you have exams coming up

when you moved in all the members of muna and boygenius helped you move all your stuff cuz you couldn't do it alone and you didn't wanna hire movers

pheobe and katie couldnt hold back from the jokes about the age gap

eventually they all joined in

a few weeks later julien was invited to a red carpet for an event

the paparazzi on the carpet kept asking who you were

lucy and pheobe said something more and more outrageous to everyone who asked

"eye candy" "our body guard" "the new 4th member of boygenius" "our girlfriend" "our psychiatrist" "we're tutoring her"

[cigarette-room]

since you are a med student(if i remenber correctly) what is your favourite part of it?

Oh my god, everything. Genuinely. I have grown to like this so much.

Ok so for a little background, I study in the Balkans, and the regime of medical studies there is you go to a highschool, any highschool, then you apply for uni and you go to a uni 6 years pass all relevant exams then a license exam and you're a doctor. Which is relevant because first 3 of those 6 years are academic years (theoretical exams, not any touch with the patient) and the last 3 are pent on clinical subjects, rotating on internal medicine and surgery and neurology and psychiatry and dermatology and forensic medicine and ophthalmology and radiology and *lists 300 other things*

So the first 3 years I couldn't wait for it to be over. Genuinely. I wanted to do real medicine stuff and COVID was in full swing and it all was so goddamn hard! But now I'm on year 5 and I love this all so much you have no idea

Now I love everything. I love when I anseer a professor's question correctly. I love when we smile and a patient smiles back, I love when we look at scans and notice the right thing in the right moment, I love wearing scrubs. I love the sweet old women and funny old men who are always the most eager to let you do a check-up because you kids have to learn from somewhere. I love when I pass an exam barely enough that I go phew, I almost failed that but one less! We pushed through! I loved rotating bones in my arms. I loved touching a human heart, a human brain, and then having an existential crisis later. I loved when the first autopsy I did I went back home and cried because I was so overwhelmed with the notion that this grandma was a human with so many stories to tell and I felt so grateful to her, in a way, and to the 9 people who donated their remains so we could have learned on them years earlier. I love psychiatry, a lot, and I loved attending additional classes that I didn't have to attend just for the nicest professor in the world to discuss with us how it is to work in prison. I love the pauses for coffee with my colleagues. And the first time we were carrying newborn little baby up to the neonatology department and spent an hour watching the nurses make little bundles off of them and how 15 of them in two rows were all sleeping at the same time (can u believe. Crazy I know). I loved when we spent hours in the basements of the big clinical centres in the rain just listening to our professor explain radiology to us. And when I held a dying patient's hand while we did a last check-up and the doctor then led us all into a room and held the most tearful, most important, lesson on end-of-life care. I loved every time we went into an operating room. And I loved every little encouragement I got from doctors and nurses and fellow students around me.

Long answer, I'm so sorry 😭❤️ there's too much things I wanted to say

[thewakingcloak]

The State of Things Past

this post is mirrored from the Studio Spacefarer Patreon! please consider supporting me, and you’ll get access to devlog posts, gifs, and other info before the public!

Like I mentioned in my previous post, The Waking Cloak has been in development for eight years.

ProtoDungeon: Episode III has itself been in development for a few years, pretty much since 2019 (oooof). I've gotten plenty of questions about how the project is coming, as well as the occasional question of whether The Waking Cloak / ProtoDungeon is even alive at all at this point. Thank you for asking this. It means people are still interested in these games.

Okay, but still, what happened? Why are things taking so long? Well, this post is the first in the Christmas Carol series, in which the ~Ghost of Spacefarer Past~ appears to explain things (wooo spooky explanation sounds).

Progress has been made, very slowly, on ProtoDungeon: Episode III. I'd love to have done more, but, well… in the time since I released Episode II, we continued adjusting to parenthood for our first kid, went through the pandemic, had a second baby (who is now almost 3yo), and survived through a series of really difficult events, which culminated in a move to a new house in a new town and the start of a new chapter (but that last bit we'll save that for the Ghost of Christmas Present so he feels useful).

But yeah, it's been a rough ride. My wife and I are intentionally open about what's been going on. At the same time, the internet is an extremely public place, and I don't want to overshare, or worse, trigger anything for anyone, so I'll try to keep this list brief:

Two miscarriages (the first one was late term, and absolutely, brutally devastating)

The loss of our faith community due to the pandemic

Loss of job for my wife due to the pandemic (the pandemic was unkind to teachers)

Loss of a dream job prospect for my wife (same issue)

The great Texas freeze and power outage (us huddling under blankets in shifts through the night with our newborn infant (he's fine now!))

Severe, life-threatening post-partum and post-natal depression

Family covid and two-week cabin-fever quarantines (twice, despite being vaccinated and careful)

The death of my grandma (we were not able to attend her memorial due to aforementioned covid and living on the other side of the country)

Multiple heart attacks for my father despite his active and healthy lifestyle

Autoimmune disease scare for my wife (may still be a thing, just dormant?)

etc., etc., ad infinitum.

A lot of people have had things significantly worse, so this is definitely not an attempt to "compare griefs" as it were. This is just context for, no matter how much I wanted it to be otherwise, the fact that I didn't have the mental or emotional (or temporal) space for creativity. It was one thing after another, and we were just trying to keep our heads above water.

Even when we'd mostly recovered from the hits that just kept comin', we moved away from what my wife lovingly refers to as the "trauma house", and she started a teaching job at a brand-new school. Both were good things, but they were pretty big transitions, and it takes time for the ol' brains to adjust. We love our new home now and have a bit more breathing room.

Okay but also I HAVE been working on ProtoDungeon. Dev was really sporadic, but it did happen. The next post will have more detail on the status of Episode III, but there were kind of two big things I worked on during the past three years, big shifts in the foundation of ProtoDungeon and The Waking Cloak.

First, I switched game perspective. I made a few posts about this a while back, but PD/TWC interiors were originally like Zelda interiors (where you see the insides of all four walls). There are good reasons to do this, but it was also kinda making me crazy. So I switched to a more natural front-perspective, keeping things consistent with the exteriors. It definitely was the right choice for the game I wanted to build, but it took time.

Second, and building on that, I made the game fully faux-3D. You can walk behind or in front of stuff--not something the old Zelda games did, and still pretty rare for 2D games. I was toying with the idea for a long time, but I played through an old PlayStation title, Alundra, and that convinced me it could be done. It's way harder than you might expect, and it was a massive block for me for literally years. I was able to slowly work my way past it and finally resolved it with a 3D z-tilting method, but dev slowed to a crawl.

And that's it for now! The ghost releases you from your vision of Spacefarer Past….

Thanks for reading :)

[safyresky]

I am so ?????????

Finally watched the episode! UM. What in the fuck??? What?? The fuck??? Um???? I cannot really put into words the feeling I am having but I have a great emoji for it! 🤨🤨🤨

That's the vibe, lads.

So the Council. Ho boy. WOW. Allow me to just go OFF for a moment here :) :) :)

THEY CANNOT INTERFERE? THEY WILL NOT INTERFERE? HELLO?????

THE SAME COUNCIL THAT WAS SO KIND AND SUPPORTIVE TO SANTA DURING TSC2.

WITH THE TOOTH FAIRY WHO GAVE HIM A LIFT BACK NORTH.

MOTHER NATURE LITERALLY MARRYING SCOTT AND CAROL AT THE VERY LAST MOMENT.

OFFERING TO HELP SANTA MAKE UP THE DIFFERENCE WHEN THEY WERE BEHIND OR WHATEVER IN TSC2

THE COUNCIL THAT WAS LIKE "NO YOU CAN'T STOP BEING SANTA UR SO GOOD AT IT!"

THE SAME COUNCIL THAT CHARLIE WAS ABLE TO CALL UP ON CHRISTMAS EVEN FOR SOME EXTRA HELP? NO QUESTIONS ASKED>?

WOULD NOT HELP THE ELVES WITH MAD SANTA????

SO LA BEFANA, WHO WAS APPARENTLY ALSO A LEGENDARY FIGURE TOO (which is giving age old fanfics vibes lmao, not sure that's a good thing???? more at 10) HAD TO DO A ROBBERY? BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T HELP?? BECAUSE THEY APPARENTLY CAN'T INTERFERE?????

WHEN THEY DO INTERFERE A LOT? SEE: THE ENTIRETY OF TSC3 WHERE THEY HAVE A MEETING BC OF SOME CARDBOARD STANDEES AND BAD WEATHER????? AND YOU ARE TELLING ME. THAT THEY WILL NOT INTERFERE WITH:

MAD SANTA ATTACKING THE POLE

EASTER BUNNY BEING TURNED INTO A BUNNY AND THEN A LEMON

EASTER BUNNY'S BASKET BEING STOLEN

EASTER BUNNY BEING KIDNAPPED

CRAZY AMOUNTS OF SANTA MAGIC ALL UNACCOUNTED FOR IN THE R E A L WORLD?????

SANDMAN MAGIC BEING USED ON SANDMAN?

BILLIONS OF SNOW GLOBES FILLED WITH CHRISTMAS MAGIC POPPING INTO THE REAL WORLD AND BEING GIFTED TO HUMANS?

THE WHOLE SIMON THING LAST SEASON?????

THEY WOULD NOT INTERFERE??? WHAT IN THE FUCK!!!!! It's funny, because like. When I was rage fic-ing post S1, I was thinking that the Council, given Scott being...SCOTT, had stopped talking to him as much bc tscs!Scott sucks so bad!! He 100% would've made comments that deffs did not sit well with ANY of the other Council Members, I mean, look at how he treated Cupid and Sandy! I'd hate to be on THAT Council during Covid, YIKES.

But like. GOD. @lmelodie you were SO RIGHT about Council stans being pissed bc I am MAD PISSED. ALSO, JUST LEARNT THAT I AM APPARENTLY A V BIG COUNCIL STAN!! (Checks out I suppose given my fic writing and reading habits, lol).

It's just so MADDENING and INFURIATING and SADDENING, IT'S ACTUALLY REALLY REALLY SAD TO SEE THAT T H I S IS HOW THEY'RE REACTING TO NOT BEING ABLE TO GET ALL THE COUNCIL MEMBERS BACK. Like, GOD, if you're unable to properly use them in the story JUST DON'T USE THEM AT ALL. I am once again REJOICING that the Millers have been left untouched, thank GOD for that!

AND ANOTHER THING (took a kitchen cleaning break and got all annoyed about loopholes). IF RESIGNING AS A LEGENDARY FIGURE ALLOWS YOUR POWERS TO WORK ON OTHERS, WHY WOULD THEY THREATEN JACK WITH THAT IN THE THIRD MOVIE? WOULDN'T YOU WANT HIM TO KEEP HIS TITLE SO THAT HIS POWERS WOULDN'T WORK ON THE REST OF YOU, INCLUDING SANTA?!?!?!?!?! THIS SHIT DOESN'T LINE UP! IT DOESN'T! LINE! UP! MY GOD! THIS SERIES IS MY VILLAIN ORIGIN STORY! THIS SERIES IS WHY PEOPLE NEED TO STOP REBOOTING OLD THINGS! 80% OF THE TIME IT'S A MISS! THAT'S TOO MUCH RISK! TOO MUCH!! AH!

I THINK I'M DONE YELLING ABOUT THE COUNCIL. PROBABLY NOT TBH. BUT FOR NOW I'LL CALL IT. GOD, I MEAN, I KNEW WHEN WE LEARNT WE'D BE SEEING SOME OF THEM THEY WOULD NOT MAKE IT OUT UNSCATHED BUT DAMN! DAMN! MORE RETCONNING LORE! DAMN!

eurhgjrbewhfnujqncwje nsdjk. GOD I'm EXHAUSTED. My brain itches. I was thinking of lobotomys today. I wonder why (/sarcasm)

(it was bc of a shitty patron at work but this just adds to the freudian slips)

UGH. Ick. Yuck. Moving on (impossible for me but we're gonna TRY!)

Elves vs Gnomes

So. The backstory thing. I just. It's cool lore but it leaves more questions than answers and just makes things SO CONFUSING. AS A DISCLAIMER: GO OFF BETTY, WE LOVE TO SEE HER BEING A BADASS. BETTY! HELL YEAH! WE HERE AT SAFYRESKY INDUSTRIES LOVE TO SEE BETTY THRIVING!

Now for the wank. From a LORE PERSPECTIVE. EURGH.

They drop that Mad Santa was a good Santa until he thought everyone was ungrateful and implemented coal and became buds with the gnomes, who apparently ran the coal mines. The gnomes get in his head and prey on his paranoia. Paranoia of WHAT. I've not done a second watch and I don't think I will because I don't actually want a lobotomy despite them being on my mind today a little too much tbh, so maybe i missed that bit, but like, come ON. We can do better in terms of giving antagonists a believable descent into villainy! GOD!

And the trap scene, that was so needlessly drawn out. They should have held him in the trap, Betty revealed her badass self, had Magnus taunt and THEN boom, Befana ALREADY THERE, and she nutcrackers his ass.

Also, calling it NOW. Not ONLY will Sandy un-nutcracker Cal, but she's deffs gonna re-nutcracker Magnus. I bet it'll be like a reversal spell or something lmao

BUT YEAH the lore for the elves around Mad Santa's reign is not quite hitting with me, I gotta say! I am not a fan of it and every time I see it (Betty and Noel aside bc they of course SHINE) it leaves me very :\. It just. Doesn't seem to hit? Or really work? It's just so convoluted to me and goes against everything they said NOT JUST in the movies but LAST SEASON AND ALSO IN INTERVIEWS ABOUT THE SERIES BEFORE TI CAME OUT! It's infuriating y'all. GOD. "A war we didn't see coming" wow, the gnomes and Pyros sure do have something in common, eh? 🤔🤔

Cal and Sandra

God, I love them. They're so funny. Cal is like destroying his room and Sandy is like BRO what the FUCK and HELPS HIM HUNT DOWN THE VEST WITH SANTA MAGIC!! USING HER BEFANA TRAINING! AND THEN HE HELPS HER MAKE UP WITH BEFANA! By lying, of course, so he can go be stupid and heroic and GET NUTCRACKER'D (they nutcrackered my boy ): BUT I LOVE THE WAY THEY SUPPORT EACH OTHER

And the almost hug that turned into punches, lol. That's so Toph coded. We love to see it!

We DON'T love to see Cal DOING THAT! THOUGH! I DID LOVE HIS SCENE WITH KRIS. I'm really hoping, given that he and Cal got duct tapped together and he knows Cal's been nutcrackered, that they give him more of a role, you know? Honestly, it'd be neat if they made Kris the next Santa! I think he'd fit the bill quite well! And then Cal could have his odd job montage and, you know, cross guard and sail on a cruise ship and such. I am VERY intrigued with this pairing, as an aside. Kris and Cal? There's potential. They're gonna fuck it up I'm sure, but we have some DANK POTENTIAL HERE

Sandra and Befana

I'M SO GLAD THEY CHATTED! I am still v much like Sandra did NOTHING wrong and Befana overacted, but I'm glad they talked. Interesting stuff about the magic taking a tole/consequences. Mad Santa really do be out here messing up the balance of things huh? And Mother Nature WON'T intervene. GOD. I know it's bc they probz couldn't get the rest of the ALIVE actors back but like. THEN WHY EVEN USE SOME OF THEM? YEESH. ANYWAY

I'm excited to see how Sandy and Befana manning home base goes! I'm glad they talked and hopefully they can un-lemon EB and just be general badasses around the Workshop, lol.

BUT YEAH. OVER ALL. ARGH. I AM ONCE AGAIN SEEING POTENTIAL, BUT KNOWING THAT IT WON'T BE REACHED IS ACTUALLY LIKE. DEVASTATING.

ALSO. I HATE THAT I WAS RIGHT ABOUT MAD SANTA GETTING TO THE POLE IN EPISODE 6. ARGH

[unitydruid]

house md episode

da patient is a bigshot lawyer with a funny lump on his toe

house: this man has regular ole toe bunions on his toe

foreman: alright let’s get him to a podiatrist and cut that toe lump off his toe

chase: it could be “toe lump brain explosion disease.” if we cut his toe lump off his brain could explode

house: chase shut the fuck up. your girlfriend hates you and you murdered someone on purpose. say one more thing i’ll hit you in the nuts with my cane.

*cut to patient in surgery for toe lump*

surgeon: making the first toe lump incision

surgical tech: BP is dropping!! monitors show early signs of brain explosion!!!

surgeon: give him 50ccs of explosion prevention juice and prep a cranial shunt STAT

*cut to conference room*

house: okay so it wasn’t a regular toe bunion and his brain started to explode but that doesn’t mean it was toe lump brain explosion disease

chase: that’s exactly what it means, we need to start him on toe lump replacement hormone right away

house: chase i could kill you with my bare hands you idiot. who here can tell me why chase is such a massive fuckup right now.

thirteen: because if it was toe lump brain explosion disease we would see big ole blotches on his peanus. no peanus blotches, no toe lump explosion disease.

foreman: unless he has the flu. the antibodies could prevent the formation of peanus blotches.

house: finally, someone who didn’t get their brain out of the bargain bin. chase, i want you to go into my office and take my entire bottle of vicodin. foreman, thirteen, run a respiratory panel and double check his peanus for blotches.

*cut to foreman swabbing patients nose for flu panel and looking at his peanus* *monitors start going crazy beeping and shit*

foreman: call a code!! give him 10,000ccs of epinephrine!! get an MRI and a PET scan and a CT scan w/ IV contrast and an enema and a urinalysis and a blood panel and a full DNA sequence!!

*cut to conference room*

house: DNA tests revealed nostril cancer, which caused inflammation in the toe and the symptoms of toe lump brain explosion disease. anything can happen in this unknowable bitch of a world.

wilson: i did chemo on the patient and now he’s all better. house, you are a mean man and you and i will have angry gay sex tonight.

house: yes we will. and i am the best doctor ever.

cuddy: house, you are a big pain in my ass. if you weren’t a genius i’d fire your ass right now.

house: yuore a sexy boss and i’m having gay sex tonight. someone go give chase some naloxone.

patient: i think i hauve covid

*credits*

[cavewretch]

misdiagnoses fucking SUCK and are TRAUMATIC and i have nowhere else to TALK ABOUT IT as i process this Major Shift i’m experiencing so i’m going to put it here <3

in 2020 i was diagnosed w cirs (chronic inflammatory response syndrome) by a total shithead of a doctor who didn’t believe in covid. OBVIOUSLY i stopped going to him and i started seeing this other cirs specialist (telehealth only). she verified the cirs diagnosis and then we did the whole getting out of exposure thing. that took me a really long time to complete (DUH) bc being told you have to completely uproot your life, get rid of your belongings or at least stay away from them, and either move/do extensive renovation/live in a tent etc to escape exposure is IMPOSSIBLE to complete quickly. i have an old google doc laying out abandoned plans for living in a shed in my backyard. it took a year of a lot of my own research and advocacy til my parents renovated a part of our house for me to live closed off in. i still live there.

living in spaces where you know the air is potentially making you sick but you can’t do anything about it is traumatic and i don’t know when i’ll be able to actually fully process it bc i still don’t feel safe .

anyway. cut to like summer 2022 im still sick, i’ve gotten a Smidge better on these intensive medications and supplements for cirs and living out of this Room, but i still feel like shit and can’t drive or work and get debilitating migraines Very Often. my cirs doctor’s response is i gotta move out of my house or move to arizona or keep eliminating toxins (what toxins. she was telling me the naturally occurring things that our bodies shed were making me sick. ur insane. i’ve been in pure survival animal mode for years now) SO! in november i was like maybe i don’t even fucking have this . shoutout to my friend pointing me towards thebibliosphere on here and my physical therapist who’s an advocate for eds and was able to fr change my life lmao

fast forwarding thru finding new doctors and getting appointments now im diagnosed with eds pots & mcas (getting a bunch of blood work done but yeah mcas) and i’m like ok what do i do now? can i go open the boxes of my books and artwork and other belongings that i packed up in 2020? can i go in the rest of my house? do i have to avoid the majority of buildings bc of potential water damage? can i stop thoroughly cleaning my room of any semblance of dust every 1-2 weeks? do i have to monitor my room’s humidity levels to such a specific range?

i’m doing this like massive reframing of everything i know about myself and the world and my health all at the same time and when i’m not sitting here fully disassociated i’m going fucking CRAZY !!!!!! good GOD !!!!!!! IM SO MAD !!!!!!!!!!!

AND ! to make it all WORSE ! i get booted off my parents insurance in t minus 1 year and 3 months so i have to figure out medicaid and probably apply for disability benefits AGAIN which sucks cuz that’s such a fucking dehumanizing process

at least i have the brain space to make all these fucking ocs (i reach into my pocket and deposit a dozen pinterest boards and scribbled notes into ur hand)

[unknwnxquantity]

There is no one from my past that I want back romantically. I’ve healed past all that and made peace with things thankfully. But there are ppl I miss being friends withhhh 😭 like this one girl. It’s a little messy with her bc she was one of my ex best friend’s hs gf. He introduces her to that friend group and I don’t think she liked me much at the time bc I was super close to that friend (and I was his first kiss Idek if she knows that lmao) anyways yeah we were just mutuals for years. Then ended up unfollowing each other on stuff. Which is fine, no hard feelings we weren’t close lol

Fast fwd to peak covid she hits me up out the blue. Refollows me when my ig was still public and id write my silly deep descriptions, DMs me on ig on some “I know this is random but I’ve been feeling lost lately and I just read some of your IG posts. I aligned with all that you said, my soul is calling to you and I really feel like I need you in my life” and some “it feels like every cell in my body is aligned, my ears are ringing, I really feel like I needed to hit you up. Your energy is pulling me in” And I’m like uhm…. Ms girl? What? lol. Me being who I am, a part of me is like omg she feels called to meeee and sees meeee but another part is like …😀? You are this man’s ex hitting me on some “crazy” shit. It was like a couple paragraphs of saying verbatim what I said and how she was feeling lost in life and clicked on my post and then it all started clicking. I responded back kinda vaguely and then days later she’s like hey I didn’t mean to scare you but I never felt that aligned and something so right in my life and was just so excited. And I’m like okay you got me lol let’s be friends and talk about spirituality. Bc I was also going through like a second awakening during 2020, like another huge spiritual journey. This was a phase of me just talking to new ppl on tiktok, tinder, etc, old friends, etc.

People told me not to trust her. They said don’t do it. But I’m glad I trusted her when I did. We’d talk about the most small but intricate stuff bro. From h0lly w3ird, to the stuff that starts with an A that’s depicted in monsters inc (I was going DOWN all types of dark rabbit hole conspiracies with others too during that time, it’s sad but it’s what’s happening behind the curtains)… all the stuff you can’t talk about on social media basically lol to spirituality. Deep rooted, ancient practices, rituals, astrology, medicine, holistic approaches, etc. or even random shit like how a leaf resembles human veins, and that the whole of one human represents a whole of one tree, and how it plays into a whole ecosystem of things. And how trees and humans are similar to one cell. Theres millions and billions, and yet it can be narrowed down to just one for our brains to try and comprehend the endlessness of the universe. Or like this one time I sent her a pic of the trees while I was in nature at this park I’d go to a lot during covid, that helped me heal a lot and I’d go on walks with my family and that started our little walks and talks, and for the first time ever I was close to my mom, bc of those walks. But anyways I sent her a pic and was like hey I thought of you and I sent a voice memo I think idk. But I remember her being like “I wonder what the birds are saying when they chirp.” And I was like YOOOOOO that really rocked my world. Like what are they talking about amongst each other? What other conversations have they had today? What are their day to day lives like? What is their level of consciousness? Do they realize they do the same shit everyday but that everyday is always a little bit different? A different route to fly, a different bug to eat, a different person they see at that same moment just going about their own consciousness? Do they realize the earth is dying around them? We all cross paths and yet never bat an eye to each other and not realize how fucking cool but random life is. We had a lot of talks like that. It felt like someone really got it. How mysterious and infinite life is. Infinite infinities, infinite everything it hurts my brain to think about. It’s all happening at the same time. Every timeline, every life, every fucking thing. Our death our past lives our future lives are all happening at the same time!! Are you even real? Am I the only consciousness and everyone else is a projection that was randomly set by the simulation? Why am I in this particular simulation? WHO am I really? That’s a scary theory I try not to align with that one. I need to stop my hearts beating fast.

Wait one more. Another random thing that came to mind is why do I feel pain if I bang my hand on the counter? Or a hard surface? What makes a surface hard? Why instead of pain, why don’t I feel happiness or yodel (yodel is never apart of my vocabulary idk why out of all words that was what I thought of)? Who decided that the feeling of pain is the appropriate reaction for when you bang your body part on something? What is pain? Why does emotional pain hurt more than physical? I know why, but who in the simulation made the rules like this???? Why does it rain from up above, but not from the ground up? Why does it rain period? WHO looked at the rain and said “yup let’s call this rain”? My mind always thinks like this sober bro that’s y I can’t smoke bc then I really start to see the world happening all in one moment it’s too much.

Going into my memories thinking about this is making me feel a little weird. Like I should leave her in the past. Which I am! But I’m always like no it’s okay let’s go through these weird feelings i didn’t need to bring up and explore it even if it makes you feel weird for the next couple hours or days. Just to revisit them.. I’m allowed to reflect.

Back to the original plot of the story, I had to cut her out my life tho bc she betrayed my trust. We started to like each other a little but she was in DR with her grandma for the summer. We’d talk almost everyday til she got back and we were suppose to meet up then she stopped responding for a bit. Something was off and she didn’t admit to it at first. Til she randomly tells me like hey.. I didn’t know how to tell you this but I moved in with my ex bf bc my family didn’t wanna take me back in (which is why she went to her grandmas in the first place). I felt so fucking betrayed. I stopped talking to her and she would text me hoping to forgive her and that she really missed me. I already knew she wasn’t the most trustworthy person to begin with, when I learned the tea as to why ex best friend and her broke up. I can’t really go into too many details, it was something she did, but she never told me herself so idk. lol but yeah. Even months after that, I accepted her apology bc it wasn’t really that deep in retrospect. But then I had to cut her off bc she said something while I was in my relationship about having a dream about me and we made out…. And once my gf found out about that bc ofc that’s gonna have to come up. There was other little things too that happened with her where my gf was like no she cannot be in your life if we’re in this relationship bc that’s disrespectful and she’s crossed boundaries. Which I agree. I cut her off out the blue tho, even after we had a convo about us being on good terms. It sucks but sometimes you gotta do what’s right to protect your relationships energy. She even re requested to follow me on IG over a year ago tho and that’s just a bit messy. Messy girl. That right there proves she does not take loyalty in relationships seriously. But is that unfair to say? She’s in one tho with a man traveling living her best life. Hope she’s doing good. Okay edit……. I found out she’s pregnant?? What is life. Congrats tho fr

Idk what the point of this was. I was feeling nostalgic this morning. I’m slowly learning that just bc you miss someone doesn’t mean they need to be in your life. Past me would be like BUT BUT WHY, WHY CANT PPL JUST GIVE INTO THEIR EMOTIONS :( But now I’m like I get it. Logically sometimes things are left better untouched. It’s a balance of knowing when and when not to do something even if you really want to. And even if the good intention is there, life’s about reading the room and trusting the universe. Not trying to bring things back to life when it’s better left untouched or at least untouched in this moment. Maybe it’s done for the rest of your life, or maybe just for this period of time in your human experience. It’s like when the media makes more and more sequels of a movie that was better off with just the one movie. Like Toy Story 3 and 4 wasn’t necessary. It was cute. But it tarnishes a little the image of how beautiful Toy Story 1 and 2 were. Or like jersey shore family vacation, like y��all need to dead that already. Again, it’s all about reading the room. You can’t just give into your impulses. That’s a main struggle I have too. So I’m trying to become more disciplined. That’s part of what life’s about (s/o to my Virgo north node🤪🥲).

[astramthetaprime]

How about a Switchback?

So yeah.

Mom's back at the nursing home.

Another round of Covid went through last weekend.

I went to see her on Sunday.

And so now we both have it.

It's been mostly just annoying to me, but I'm (relatively) healthy. I do worry about my mother as she's hanging on by a thread at the best of times these days, but I haven't gotten The Call again so I assume she's still on this side of the life line. Admittedly, my normal life consists of spending the vast majority of my week here at Casa Proton, I really only go out on the weekends to get groceries and to have my one meal out a week and to go see Mom. So none of that is happening this weekend but I'll be going to pick up my groceries at WallyWorld later today. The dog needs his food and treats even if I feel completely blah and have no motivation to figure out my menu for this week. So I went with the lowest hanging fruit and it's going to be hot dogs and pizza this week. It'll make a nice change from the hamburgers and pizza it's been the last few weeks.

Autism is all about the safe foods. Not the healthy foods. The safe foods.

Moving right along, y'know that job I trained for 5 weeks for? Yeah. We finished all that work. And now they have me doing something else for which I had half a day's training. Unexpectedly. Then two days later said "nope, need you to go back to the other" and it took me over an hour to remember how to do the original job. Bad with unexpected transitions doesn't even begin to cover it. But this is the real world, right? This is how things work in today's modern offices, it's pivot this and agile that and multitasking and moving onward and upward.

Is it too much to ask to work one job, continuously, for a few years? Like 13 years? Long enough that I can retire?

My mom did the same job for 34 years. I did the same jobs with the Postal Service for 14 and 10 years respectively, data entry and then clerk.

At least I'm working at home. I cannot tell you how beneficial that is from an autistic standpoint. The lack of stress from not driving downtown to work, the lack of danger to myself and my irreplaceable car, the time saved, I log off and in two minutes I'm out in my front yard throwing balls for my dog. I can listen to music or podcasts or audiobooks during work just as I used to do back in my early days at the PO and I'm so damned grateful for that. So grateful.

I know I just have to suck it up and deal -- I haven't said anything to my supervisors. What could I say that wouldn't make me sound like I was whining or demanding special treatment? This is business, this is how it works these days, you either deal or you fall off the wheel and end up homeless and starving on the street. I don't have the leeway to make choices yet. I may never have that luxury, I may inherit nothing from my mother after all is said and done. It's so damned ghoulish to think that way. Anticipating her death so I can benefit from it. We all like to think we're good and moral people but this socioeconomic paradigm makes people inherently greedy. What is "moral" when you can financially benefit from your parent's death?

When my Daddy died, I inherited $6,000. I bought my first real computer and modem. A 286 Bondwell B-310V laptop with a black and white screen and a 2400bpm external modem. This was pre-Internet. I was dating a hacker at the time and he gave me a copy of a dialing program called Telex that let me call up BBS systems. And a copy of WordPerfect. And I was off to the races.

So yeah, kids, I'm older than dirt. Modems used to make noises. Your brain started equating those noises to joyful experiences and fun and suddenly you get dopamine from hearing the most godawful grindy modem tones.

The crazy thing? I still do.

This is still the sound of joy.

[procrastinatorproject]

(Procrastinated) Home Projects

So, I have been meaning to blog more, but I find it really difficult. I have so many half-finished blog posts, mapping things, a whole new sideblog for Star Trek: La Sirena... So many things that never see the light of day because I'm a perfectionist and want everything to be perfect before putting it out into the world. But because perfection is impossible and I run out of steam before satisfying my exacting standards, I end up never posting anything at all.

I did a little bit of daily blogging in December, with my writing accountability, but then I got Covid and uni got crazy and I couldn't integrate the daily writing into my schedule properly. So that peetered out fairly quickly. But I really want to get better at Just Writing/Blogging Things, so I'm gonna make a conscious effort! And I'm gonna start with something fairly low-stakes (i.e. not my beloved fandom things that I hang so much of my heart on that it's much more difficult to overcome the perfectionist tendencies)

Introducing:

The Procrastinator's Home Improvement Blogging Adventures

For the first time in at least a decade, I have some time ahead of me in which I won't have anything I "should be doing". No term papers to write, no exams to study for, no job I'm behind on work for... I want to dedicate most of that free time to rest, recovery, and fandom stuff, but I also want to tackle a few home improvement projects that have been bouncing around the back of my brain for a good long while.

In the autumn of 2021, I started a Konmari clean of my flat. I got pretty far, actually, but then my health declined dramatically and I had to abandon it. A few days ago, I re-read the first Marie Kondo book and made a plan to take another run at this. It's not going as quickly as I might have hoped, but part of the project of the next few weeks is to not have such high expectations of myself. So this is one place where I can practice that - and chronical the journey a bit.

The second Big Project is that I'm getting a new kitchen. I'll go into detail in a later post, but my flat isn't rented with a kitchen, so if I want new appliances and furniture (which I really do), I have to organize those myself. And this summer/autumn, it's finally happening! After many, many months of thinking and dreaming and saying I'll do it but never actually sitting down and Doing The Thing.

I was at IKEA yesterday and things are finally actually in motion! Lots to do and decide, still, and a lot of stuff will require long wait times for deliveries and things. So we'll see how that goes - and I'll try to blog about it a bit here!

(Blåhaj-san sends his greetings from the IKEA shelf!)

And finally, there are a bunch of smaller things, like repairs to my laptop and Lory, my vespa, some sewing projects... All very good candidates for "just write about it instead of fretting for weeks and months!"

So, that's the idea for the next few weeks. Try to get into a habit of Just Writing Things, even if they're too long and could have been phrased better and should have been proofread and aren't as Coherent and Polished and Perfect as part of me desperately wants them to be.

Maybe this'll go well, or it'll end up being a couple of posts and then nothing else, we'll see. But it's definitely going to be an adventure, and I'm quite excited about that! Here's to a new project - and potentially a little less procrastination :D

[halosluvchild]

So we've all seen the many pictures of Harry in the Green Bay Packers beanie and we also know that he has jerseys and a tattoo of their logo, therefore a huge fan.

So my stupid ass OMG my fandoms are colliding brain came up with the stupidest thing ever.

meet Tom Grossi a football YouTuber based out of New York and also a huge Packers fan. now why is this relevant you may ask. Tom isn't just your average Packers super fan yes he watches every game[streams them actually] yes he has a ton of gear, but he also does so much more. if you go to his channel you will see scripted series' that in my opinion are better than most Hollywood productions nowadays. He's one of the only people I know that could bring all 32 teams together. I for example hate the Packers but I love Tom. I've seen cowboys and eagles fans become friends. it truly is amazing to be a part of Tom's community. Well last year Tom did 30 in 30 where he went to all thirty NFL stadiums all in the name of raising money for Saint Jude. In the beginning of the trip it had no media attention and Saint Jude had no idea he was doing it. By the end of day 30 he had not only raised over $500,000 and been recognized by st Jude but he had been on some of the biggest NFL talkshows.

flash forward to a year later the NFL holds the NFL honors ( like the Grammy's or Oscar's for football) and one of the awards they give out is fan of the year

all 32 teams get a nominate one fan through a mixture of fan vote and team pick. after that it goes to part fan vote part team owners vote and part impartial vote to determine fan of the year

I should mention that each fan of the year gets two tickets to the Superbowl and Tom is such a good person that when he announced he was Packers fan of the year he contemplated auctioning off the tickets to raise more money for charity but was talked out of it EVENTUALLY so he could have something for himself for once after giving so much back

Well

Tom Won and there's definitely no one more deserving especially since this man went to Vegas and went back to his home in New York and found out he had COVID, but still put out two scripted videos, two videos thanking fans for everything and his weekly live streams.

Now my crazy never going to happen fandom collides where Tom and Harry meet would be amazing to me. not only because my fandom world would collide but because both men (as Tom would put it) do a lot of chaotic good for this world and also because they are both big Packers fans.

I don't know if this even makes sense it was a stupid headcannon that's been in my brain since the new pics came out and I couldn't get rid of it so here's my stupid little rambling about it anyway even if you don't like football or american football whatever you call it go check out Tom and his scripted series' you don't need to understand the game to to enjoy them you just won't get references and easter eggs

ok I'm done now

Here we Go 🖤💛

Go Pack Go👉🏼

[lovelyelbowleech]

HELLO!! HAIR ANON HERE!!! I’m SO SORRY this was delayed but I have been crazy busy. Mostly with good things (like graduating and getting my MA [🎉], and working out the details of starting my next MA program!!), but most recently with covid LOL. BUT THE LAST TWO CHAPTERS OF WAR GAMES HAVE BEEN KEEPING ME SANE. Or causing me to lose what’s left of my sanity (that last chapter especially). Honestly probably both at the same time 😂

Bc OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH my GOD that last chapter. I feel VINDICATED. I feel FEVERED (and not just because of the covid lmaooo). I feel YRIEIFOWHFOWHDOWUDOWHDUD. I don’t even know how to describe how I’m feeling other than CHAOTIC and OVERWHELMINGLY POSITIVE. My brain is fuzzy but I needed you to know this was the most hyped up I’ve been about something fandom related in over a decade. I’m glad my gf wasn’t home bc I’m not sure I would want to explain the multiple screams I let out, or the multiple honest-to-god flails that happened.

IN HONOR OF THAT some of my favorite lines:

“Zuko’s eyes were bright, even in the dim light. ‘No,’ he said. ‘I just wanted to be normal. So I went with it.’” GOD. GOD. GOD. GOD. THE IMAGE THIS PAINTS. LIGHTING SOMETHING ON FIRE RN

“No, that wasn’t true. He had plenty in his head. Things like the fact that perhaps, just between him and himself, he could admit that maybe there was an attraction that he had been trying to convince himself was something else, like envy or admiration. He did maybe stare at Zuko’s muscles a little too much, and find the blushing and the way his hair was starting to flop very charming. Cute, even.” THIS…. INVENTED ROMANCE?? THE NOISE I MADE WHEN I READ THIS WAS SOMEWHERE BETWEEN A SQUEAL AND A WAIL

"’The Avatar is not a baby,’ Zuko said faintly, his eyes a little wide. ‘Not all babies are bald.’ He looked like maybe his brain had stopped working.” THIS MADE ME GIGGLE SO HARD SJDKSJDIWID ALSO THE WHOLE SCENE WHERE THEY WERE FIXING THE TENT!!! Toph, Katara, and Zuko had me in HYSTERICS, also I’m SO PROUD of Zuko’s angry stitching, good job, buddy

ALSO!!! Tu’s section was so sad and so good and so beautifully written??? I’m so worried about what’s going to happen to him and the freedom fighters. But as someone who loves your writing I’m also VERY EXCITED to see what happens with them. 😂 And omg YAY SUKI AND SHEN SURVIVING! And Shen *GETTING SOME*! I think I actually said, “YEAH, GET SOME” out loud when Shen rediscovered his dick. Good for him, man. He fucking deserves it (pun only half intended). Now I’m just desperately curious about what Azula is going to be up to in the next chapter, and which of the four groups we’re following are going to meet first 👀 I’M SO EXCITED TO FIND OUT AHHH

Thank you thank you thank you THANK YOU as always for sharing your amazing writing and story with us!! I am having the time of my life reading this and I am so grateful that I get to. I’m so excited and am waiting very patiently for the next chapter. I hope you’re feeling better, and thank you so much for sharing, again!!! 💖💖💖💖💖💖

Well done for graduation and getting your MA! Sorry about the covid though, that sucks. I hope you are feeling a bit better!

Glad you enjoyed the chapter 😂😬

"also I’m SO PROUD of Zuko’s angry stitching" > I have such a strong image of what those stitches looked like, and all the rage and frustration that went into them. I might have been projecting a bit 😂

Poor Tu is really going through it, his sections are very short at the moment, but I always pack a lot of suffering into them (like Katara's were before she met back up with Sokka, lol)

Shen's been though a lot, he deserves a treat. Good thing Suki is also there to keep ragging on him and making sure he doesn't get ahead of himself 😂

Thank you once again for the amazing comment! I am glad you are still reading and enjoying! And I hope you are on the mend from the plague! ❤️❤️❤️

[seelifethroughmyeyesyear3099]

tell us what happy moment shaped who you are or gave you strength in difficult times.

I remember I was the light of a lot of people's lives. I got told daily that I was like sunshine. Crazy unpredictable but cared about everyone more than myself. I remember thinking about the world we live in and how a lot of people bring you down or get angry at you for nothing (The man that gets mad about his order in the drive thru that takes too long or the old lady yelling at you about not taking her expired coupons) they're not mad at you. They're mad at themselves. I wanted to do the exact opposite I wanted to make everyone's life for the better and bring them up to be their best selves. I started taking nothing to heart and thinking about them. They are probably never going to see me again. Before I wore my heart on my wrist...that quickly changed. Three different life altering times in my life, I may only be only 22 but I feel like I've lived five lives.

I remember I bought a book of kindness every single day for a year; I made sure to do one of the pages of the book and if I ran out of pages I would look for a 30-day challenge of kindness. I didn't let anybody know but I even got five of my friends for our senior project to do it on humanity. We went down to the homeless shelter and passed out sandwiches that took us hours to make and talked to families. We asked how they got there and what they needed. I completed all those tasks and I understood how hard life can really be in a moment with the wrong people or having not having any support.

Another time I remember I was 15 and a half at the time and I'd barely gotten my license and an owner of a business wanted me to be the face in the front. (I was dating his son at the time and said business partner or dump my son) (I learned personal and business never mix) I left that company for more opportunities. Later on I became a driving instructor at 21 at the same company teaching 1,500 students how to drive in California, probably one of the most impactful things I've done in my life.

In between that job and going back I was a caregiver in 2020 when COVID hit, I was with a lot of elderly and most of them were in hospice only a week or two. I got to hear stories about their entire life, what they regretted, and got to be there even if their family wasn't there; I held their hand until their end of days. This went on for almost a year until my own father passed away in 2020. I couldn't handle anymore death after that.

Every stage of my life has been impactful, important, and beautiful even if I did not see it in that moment.

What gives me strength is knowing that I can be anything that I choose to be. People might think these are far-fetched dreams but they are not. I believe you are who you believe you are, but as long as your actions match up. That is who you are. All the things that I've done have led me to who I am and where I am and I'm pretty happy with that now. Of course there's always room for improvement, but I'm pretty happy.

Everything that you thought was going to break you down will actually build you up. It felt like my world died when my dad died and I felt like I lost myself. This was for 3 years and even though I was helping others, I wasn't helping myself out of the situation. Until I realize nobody's going to come and save me but myself. It is crazy how you can mentally be struggling for so long, your brain can still pull you mentally out of that. That takes a lot of support from others that are positive. You just have to rebuild yourself. Listen to podcasts and things that you want to be and start making daily habits of them until you become the person you want to be again.