#cozbunnytxt

[cozbunny]

"Remember This When I'm Dead and Gone"

i wrote this poem about my mom, who passed at the end of 2021. it is the first completed writing i have related to my mom and my feelings towards her/her death, as the subject is so daunting for me. it's also one of the only poems im somewhat proud of lol. im posting this so that maybe someone can see it and feel heard if they were in a similar situation as me, where they dont have great relationships with someone in their family or close to them. i hope you can enjoy it, despite the subject matter!

"There was something you said during our arguments, 

“Remember this when I’m dead and gone.”

I know this had a simple meaning, 

to remember this moment, 

this argument, 

this debate 

once you were gone,

and to think about how wrong I was 

to even dare to challenge your ideas, 

your beliefs, 

and your absolute truth, 

and realize how immoral it was

to put my poor, old mother through so much,

and to be ashamed of myself,

wishing I could go back in time, 

and be the daughter that she thought she deserved,

and not the one she had. 

But it’s ironic you chose this specific phrase to say, 

as it’s almost like you knew

I would never be able to forget.

I will never forget when I was a young child, 

utterly defenseless, 

my pure existence making me vulnerable, 

and mothered me. 

You attempted to prepare me for the world,

build me up from the foundation,

but in reality, 

all you did was destroy me.

For 15 years, I was a cowering child, 

crying and wishing to go home, 

for I did not feel welcome in yours,

only to find that the bed where I wept at night

was my own.

Home for me wasn’t real. 

It never was.

“Remember this when I’m dead and gone,”

and remember I do."

4/19/23

[cozbunny]

a piece about my journey with womanhood

I used to identify as trans. I was confused about my gender ever since elementary school, and I used to never feel feminine. I didn’t fit in with other girls in my grade, and I felt I got along more with the boys in class. I would look at the girls sitting together and gossiping about who’s dating who, talking about makeup, hair, and new clothes they’d gotten over the weekend, and I found it boring and dull. Then I’d look at the boys, who were swearing at each other,  roughhousing, and just being “boys”, and I’d get jealous of them. I always wished that I was one of the boys.

In middle school, I started playing with my gender identity and trying new names, pronouns, and labels, to see what would stick. It was an incredibly uncomfortable time. I was surrounded by friends who didn’t take me seriously at the time and thought that me changing my name and pronouns a lot was me faking being trans. It was incredibly hurtful when my friends would ignore me or say I was faking it all, because I knew my feelings were incredibly real. 

At the end of 7th grade, after playing with my identity for what felt like forever, I finally settled on identifying as nonbinary. That label was the only one that made sense to me at the time, and it felt validating to be able to put a name to what I was feeling. I continued to label myself that way all the way until 10th grade. 

During the summer between 10th and 11th grade, something in my identity shifted. I suddenly felt more “binary” than in previous years. I wanted to wear makeup, jewelry, and even dresses. For God’s sake, I wanted to wear dresses for the first time since I was four! I wanted to be just like the girls that bored me in elementary school. I wanted to be a girl for the first time in my entire life.

At first, I was embarrassed. How could I have been so wrong? I felt like an idiot. Then, I felt anxious. All of the friends I had made over the years were all part of the LGBT community, so how on earth was I supposed to tell them I want to de-transition? I felt like they’d make fun of me and stop wanting to be my friend. 

I attempted to suppress my feelings. I tried identifying as nonbinary but presenting as a girl, I tried to say I was nonbinary and a girl at the same time, I even cut my hair and tried to look as masculine as possible. All of it made me feel worse, and I was depressed. I hated myself and just wished I had the courage to actually be myself.

After a while, I admitted to my boyfriend that I wanted to de-transition. I felt ashamed, but he supported me wholeheartedly. I asked him to start calling me she/her pronouns and referring to me as his girlfriend, and when he did, it all made sense. I was a cis girl!

My boyfriend gave me the courage to begin de-transitioning. I was embarrassed at first, but with time I got more comfortable with it. My friends from before did make fun of me, and even came up with crazy theories as to why I changed so much, which I was fine with because I wasn’t friends with them anymore. And for good reason. 

It’s safe to say that I’m much happier fully embracing myself for who I am, instead of trying to appease other people, and being ashamed that I was wrong in the past. It’s okay to change, and those who tried to shame me for that were stuck in the past and weren’t worth my time. I’m glad I’m me now, and not someone people want me to be. 

[cozbunny]

hello! my name is cosmo and im an amateur writer and poet.

im going to use this blog as a place to put finished works, rough drafts of stuff, and even ideas for my writing.

i write a little bit of everything, no set genre really, but i do prefer to write about my own life/feelings. as an autistic person it helps me deal with my emotions by putting them on paper (or in a google doc) and id like to share my work with others in an engaging way.

i'll file all my writing under cozbunnytxt

thank you for reading ! ♡

-cosmo (she/her)