#cuz ik its gonna take me a long time to be able to read their responses

[getitoutofmymindwrites]

this is long but plz stick with me. i clung to every word u wrote of << the falling >> it makes me happy that u wrote a strong lead. i was able to relate to her… even tho she wanted to give in cuz of the love for joel, she didn’t. i would love if you wrote part #2. i would love it if she didn’t go back to him. ive been there and i know that that’s usually what the heart wants but it’s possible to move on and be happy again… and in a new relationship. well… it took me a while to be in a serious relationship but jumping into something casual made some of my hurt go away. ik the lead is going to europe for some time and as a european i can confirm it’s a fun place where many go to distract themselves… to beginning to end u made me cry cuz it brought an exact scenario (literally the same to the one u wrote) back from my past. im ok now but wow your talent to make me feel everything is amazing. also its not possible now but I was thinking about the cameras in the house and i wanted the lead to give joel one last gift… i mean the alarm system records so… a certain tape can be made. i wanted to vote for revenge with ceo leo but im also glad she was able to pack to leave. ik it’s not what most people want but i sincerely hope she’s able to get a divorce, heal, and find happiness again someday and somewhere else. it takes a lot to leave ur heart behind but joel made his choice and that was to not care about his marriage. thank u and i love everything about ur writing…

My dearest Anon,

Your message made me so emotional, I can’t begin to imagine how it must feel to read something fictional and bring back some of your own memories, especially if they’re that hurtful.. I’m so glad you moved forward and I hope reading this felt more cathartic than painful..

You’d be surprised how many people asked to keep Joel and reader separated.. either because they “hate” Joel, or because getting them back together would make the reader a weak person.

I think human relationships, especially the intimate ones, are so complicated, it’s not just black or white.. That being said, I haven’t decided yet where they’re both going to stand in the future, but I’m gonna give them their peace one way or another..

Thank you so much for taking the time to read something that hits so close to home and I hope you’re having an amazing day 😘😍🫂

[rodrickheffley]

finally wrote coming out drafts to my parents

[notabled-noodle]

So ive done some thinking about ADHD

And ik this isn't a diagnostic trait

But I've heard lots of psychologists and psychiatrists and even diagnosed people, mention how adhd people keep on making the same mistakes over and over again cuz they "forget" the outcome that they've witnessed every single time

At first when i started wondering whether i had ADHD or not, that didnt sound like me. Im an anxious person, I triple check whatever I'm gonna do before I do it . Odering food online?? I reread the ingredients and the order 4 times before pressing order. Going to use the bus? I check the time schedule over and over even tho ik i cant have seen the wrong timethe 5 times i checked and rechecked it. So basically I usually leave no room for myself to make mistakes and If i make one I take it hard and never ever make it...

Or so i thought.

The respective mistakes that I make dont affect others. Thats the difference. No one else can spot them other than me. Cuz they don't change anyone's day, mood etc

I think that some subtle mistakes that people with adhd could be repeating are:

Sleeping. Every single day, I promise myself to sleep early to atleast get 8 hours of sleep. And every single night I forget my promise and I just end up finding myself thrown in a crazy rabbit hole in the midst of the night and going to sleep real late and getting barely 5 hours of sleep. Do i understand that its a mistake? Yeah. But do I at the moment forget the outcome? Also yeah.

Doing chores such as laundry, the dishes etc. These tasks are the hell of a neurodivergent person whether its due to a sensory issue, procrastination, the task being too boring? Who knows depends on the person. Often times i find my laundry and dishes piling up and i find myself scared of begining. I make excuses, I give myself a hard time cuz if I have time for washing the dishes then I have time to work/study etc. And yet every single time when i get the motivation and energy to do the dishes...i finish quite fast?? And i always regret not washing them?? Like no matter how many times i do the dishes i always end up convincing myself its some huge hard mission that needs total focua and total lack of responsibiliies

Now Idk if all what i said makes sense. Ive barely known about adhd for a year now. I read up on it to understand a friend whom said they believed to have it..and oh god did i hesitate about it in the beginning. But I did a lot of research and ive related to lots of stuff before deciding on self diagnosing. The main problem was that my symptoms presented subtly and it was hard for me to distinguish them.

I'm sending you this long ask cuz I know how knowledgeable you are on this topic and also because I read all of your posts and find myself agreeing with them

Do you think that these traits could be associated with adhd? Also what other times do you believe people with ADHD end up forgetting about an experience they would have learned about quiet fast were they neurotypical?

yeah, this often comes down to impulsivity, short-term memory problems, and not necessarily being able to think about things in a “cause and effect” way.

the anxiety and the desire to check, double-check, and triple-check everything can come as a direct result of years of being punished for impulsivity. over time, people with ADHD can learn what actions have a negative effect on others, and alter their behaviour to suit. it can be a lot harder to do this when you’re the only one suffering the consequences — you need a lot more self-control as opposed to externally enforced rules and boundaries.

in my experience, people with ADHD seem to be fairly good at breaking things down into past self, present self, and future self. the problem is that we see the future self as a completely different person to the present self. i.e. thinking “I’ll be able to do this tomorrow”, despite having no evidence that you’ll magically be able to learn those skills in 24 hours time.

the examples you included were pretty good! other instances of this could be:

procrastinating hygiene related things, even if you have the energy to do them right now — giving your future self those responsibilities because you’d rather be doing something else right now

quitting a bad habit or starting up a new one — you may want to reduce your screen time, but right now you also really want to see that new YouTube video and oh well, might as well start being good about it tomorrow

generally building tasks up in your head to be harder than they actually are, which then causes the tasks to build up, which makes them even harder than they would’ve been if you’d just done it straight away (a vicious cycle)

in behavioural economics, you’d say that someone with ADHD has intense “future discounting”. that is, we predict that the suffering of tomorrow will be less than the suffering of today. and we also predict that the joy of today will be reduced if we saved that joy until tomorrow. it can be challenging for someone with ADHD to process the concept of “delayed gratification”, because we can’t accurately imagine the reality of our future selves.

I hope this answered your question, and that it helped!

[fandomfluffandfuck]

heyyy idk if you know this but sebastian is like, not that great? like he’s not evil or anything, just an ignorant rich white guy. but like his girlfriend appropriated asian? culture i think? and didn’t apologize when fans called them out seb(or his team, but either way:/) blocked ppl. that’s arguably not terrible, but he also mocked taking a knee to support I Tonya and his apology was kinda lackluster. he liked a post about how yt ppl should be able to say the n word and also made some kinda creepy comments about bucky and shuri(who’s yk, a minor) ik some ppl are also mad at one of his posts with the buddha, cuz they viewed it as him mocking that culture but idk about that one. anyways all these things aren’t awful, but put them all together and it shows he has a habit of being racist/ignorant or at least surrounding himself with racist/ignorant ppl, and just not apologizing for it or having rlly shitty apologies. ik i tried to ignore it but for me the post for his gf was the last straw cuz it rlly showed to me that he’s sticking by his actions and he’s not rlly gonna change or apologize. anyways super long ask, i just didn’t know if u were aware of this. (you could google these pretty easy, but if you want sources lmk)

Hello

Before we jump into things, this isn't me trying to defend Sebastian to the death or just making excuses because I'm technically a "stan" because I'm in the fandom, I'm just writing out a fairly lengthy response below the cut to organize my own thoughts (and possibly to clarify things if these are indeed someone's first time hearing all this). I'm thinking out loud, attempting to make discourse, y’know? But, it will come out bias, because, again, I do have a soft spot for Seb as you can obviously tell.

Yeah, I've often heard those things about Sebastian and, to be entirely honest, I usually don't look into it beyond surface level unless someone on my dashboard validates it / indicates that there might be truth to it. Not out of trying to be ignorant and shielding my eyes intentionally from his "bad side" or problematic statements/pictures/words/whatnot someone says is happening or has happened with him but out of avoiding *drama. I don't like drama, its not my cup of tea. (Which is coming from a place of privilege for me in of itself because unless he says he hates white men than it won't effect me.)

*I understand that it's more than drama too, I'm referencing the cancel Sebastian Stan stuff. Additionally, it's the only word I can think of it for now, unfortunately.

Simply because as I understand the Twitter World™️ lots of people make up shit and spread rumors or blow things out of proportion, y’know? And I hear lots of it comes from Twitter and that's just not my space. I dwell in the underworld of Tumblr.

Ignorant rich white guy, yeah... I'm aware of that. A lot of power and influence comes with white privilage, male privilege, money, and fame and I don't think Seb is immune to it. And, it's hard to grasp something you don't experience, for example, I can read and listen and research about what racism is like for POC to experience but I will never 100% know because I'm not part of that community and do not have to deal with it happening directly to me. He’s definitely not the worst, yeah, as you touched on in the beginning of the ask. But it'd be pretty impossible for him not to be touched/effected by those things too. So, yes, some blame.

Neither, yeah, is he immune to hanging around people who are racist or ignorant apparently. And I as a human being am inclined to see the best in people, especially people I've latched onto, and would love to think that it's because he's ignorant to their ignorance but... I don't know. I'm not Sebastian, I have no idea about his real life relationships with those people. I don't know if he knows (other than his gf, that'd be more than difficult to miss) or if he just tiptoes around those people with that issue so it doesn't come up but continuing to engage with them with or possibly without trying to change their minds. (Silence is still a side to certain issues, I understand. You can't just let bigots be as a bystander all the time.)

I believe the thing his girlfriend (a white woman) did was dress up as a geisha (or Asian woman as some articles I saw said) for Halloween which is way more than a little Yikes. Way more than an, oops, I was uneduacted. A culture is not a costume.

Having shitty apologies is shitty. Yup. But, unfortunately it's pretty common in Hollywood, so... I wouldn't expect better. There's my pessimistic side. I hope better for Sebastian but expectations are low. I assume it's difficult to really understand wrongdoing when it's separated through a screen in general- not specifically related to Sebastian. He, specially, could do better though, yes.

(Also I do believe his team at least has access to his accounts, if not fully putting up posts sometimes/at times so I again have no idea if he, himself or they, his team would've blocked people. Also, I don't have any clue as to whether or not people actually got blocked or not. So... yeah. That's all I've got on that.)

I, Tonya controversy: I vaguely remember hearing about this but I don't fully recall it because life was Chaos for me at the time haha. So I had to do some quick googling. Okay. Completely tone deaf meme. Ouch. Like- fuck. I don't like how his apology was worded, yeah, it could've been more eloquently worded (less excusing of himself) or seemed more sincere. Deleting the meme was good, obviously, and if he did end up doing his homework, then I think that's the second best thing. The first best would've been to have put more research into what was going on with the meme before ever doing anything with it or already having had his research done before. Having been paying attention, y’know?

The video on Instagram that Seb liked about non POC being re-allowed to say the n-word I recall being the opposite of what it actually was. Like the post he liked was in support of people Not being allowed to say it but it got misconstrued on Twitter / Instagram. And... upon, again, quick googling... I couldn't find a lick of information on the actual video besides it being what it sounded like. A comedian ranting and being racist. So I'm gonna assume that was my fandom sheltered romance of the video not being what it seems and excusing it altogether. Yuck.

Bucky and Shuri creepy vibed comments. I have no idea what this refers to, so back to Google for me... okay. No hits for something he said about romantic or sexual things towards Shuri from Bucky's perspective because it's all swamped by, thankfully, wholesome fan content or people making fun of Bucky, lovingly, for being a broken white boy. I, personally, again being bias, would assume that it came off as creepy because, yes, Shuri as a character is a minor while her actor is not and Seb and Letitia have a friendly, comfortable relationship so it could've seemed to bleed over from that when he spoke about it, not fully separating Bucky and himself, Shuri and Letitia. I.E. Chris Evans always jumping to defend Bucky like he really is Steve, half in love with my childhood best friend, Rogers. But, again, I cannot say for sure because I haven't a clue at what really was said.

I can't say if the picture with the Buddha was racist/offensive/ignorant or not because I'm not a part of that community and its blurry lines to begin with (not like the gf dress up shit), so who am I to weigh in on if it's offensive or not? However, I believe the broad picture concluded with that "scandal" was that it wasn't at all meant to be harmful, just a thing he did and people rolled it beyond what it was. People, I think, by large forgave him?? But I could be wrong, clearly it's happened before lol.

It is good to be aware of things.

And I can't say I wish he didn't handle those things the way he did. I, in fact, wish he had better apologies and showed more of a learning curve. I want him to be better. And I'm definitely gonna think about it more now. Yeah.

I don’t know where I'm going with this though because I know the power of headlines, clickbate, bias interviewers/reporters, and people hating to hate too. Which would feed badly into his own actions.

I don't now hate his guts. Just... more aware. Yeah.

Completely, I agree: there's a massive difference between a) messing up and apologizing and changing afterwards and b) messing up and not doing anything after an empty apology, just continuing on.

Sorry for the rambling! I hope you're not too put off by my response. I listened and responded the best I could <3

[saintobio]

i´ve been waiting for so long to leave an ask here :d. i really love sn and its one of my favorites series rn, i really adore how you put the characters and the amount of detail and work that you put in it is the best and makes me think that this would look in the big screen or something like that cuz ive never seen a plot so messy (in a good way haha i really love the twists and development to every single character including the ones that dont play a huge role into the novel) hope i can read++

++ more of it and see what is gonna be at the end !! <33 im glad i found this work ( ill tell u my final thoughts at the end of the series or at least at the end of the 1st season haha)

@japanesevenom said

saint holy shit it’s been a while since I’ve caught your inbox after reading a chapter and I’ve got to say…. I’m speechless I having nothing to give apart from tears and the broken pieces of my heart god damn I mean we knew it all from the start but I’m still really hurt by the revelation honestly you’re going to give me a heart condition it’s not healthy for my heart to hurt this much I feel like It’s caged in metal im crying

But oh my god I love sad desperate satoru it’s truly questionable how much I reread his reaction to the divorce announcement and now to this something about men when they’re begging for forgiveness and professing their love that hits different well I love u

Damn… at least we had lots of fluff on his birthday now we got to figure out custody of the baby my god

Anonymous said

This isn’t really an ask but thank you so much for writing Sincerely Not, I never knew a post that I happened to fall upon at 3 am one morning would take over about 4 months of my life. It’s crazy that it’s coming to an end and I’m excited to see what you have in store for us readers !! Take care 💛💛💛

Anonymous said

im nervous for sn2 omg >///< also tmi was listening to this song "i love you so - the walters" and reminded me of sn ❤️ thank you sm for the great series saint!!! i hope ur getting enough rest stay safe 💟

Anonymous said

i haven’t been able to interact or read the latest chapters because of uni but just wanted to check in! hope you’re doing good and that your days are well Saint!

-🦢

@natsukashii-ai said

Yayy!! finally! i just wanted to addressed your AMAZING work for “sincerely not” wow such a treat 💖 keep the good work sweetie ✌🏻

Anonymous said

i havent written an ask in so so so so long because i know you have a lot on your plate and didnt wanna add to it but i just want you to know that your works are absolutely amazing, ik you hear it from many people already but i just wanna say i appreciate you a whole lot. you stories are fucking amazing i dont know how many times I've reread all of them already. sincerely not keeps me going lately its something that i look forward to every week something that makes me wanna get up everyday 😭😭 i love u and ur works so much words arent enough!!

@sin-with-quiche said

I just want to say I'm a huge fan of this story. I love everything you put into it. The thought, the dedication, the love. I'm sure us readers can feel all of it. I recommended this to my friend, and she absolutely loves it too. We fangirl & discuss about the story! I swear to God, you have first class material to make this into an excellent drama! Do take care of yourself, and don't mind the negative remarks. I love you & your work so much!!! <3(btw I sent another ask long ago, hope u read it!)

THANK YOUUUU SO MUCH 😭😭😭 sn1 is ending soon and i’m really grateful for the love u guys have given this series <33 i appreciate the feedback and support !!

[aku-jumbi]

YOUR ART IS INCREDIBLE YOU’RE HONESTLY SO INSANELY TALENTED I AM HONESTLY IN AWE WHENEVER I SEE ONE OF YOUR ART PIECES, THEY’RE ALWAYS SO BEAUTIFUL!!! And pls ignore those haters they’re absolute idiots who seem to think asians only have certain features apparently and can’t seem to realise that there’s something called creative liberty😐

So many capital letters haha ^^ thank you a lot for your appreciation. *bow 😀 I gonna take your comment as opportunity to write down some thoughts I had on this topic.

Of course I am not painting isolated, I love to browse art from other artists, sometimes getting inspiration or just to get more stimulated. And for sure I stumble sometimes over art which technically is maybe not as refined but somehow hits me, then I stumble over art which is technically extremely good but well... I feel nothing but I still awe the beauty and there is even art which slightly disturbs me and fetishizes something I don't really am into... but dammit it's really well painted and I can just accept that the artist did a great job and I don't need to be in the fetish.

Then, there is also art which is technically undeveloped, due to the painters inexperience for example but I appreciate the try since ik myself, painting is work.

I caught myself a couple of times being about technically extremely versatile artists more critical and then thought.. who am I to judge, went into some introspection and realised: that was pure jealousy. Oh yeah, jealousy, nothing more, that yellow eyed monster within me trying to lower down others just to feel better myself. But... I never released that monster officially of course. In fact, before I leave a critical comment, I think twice and when I comment I just comment on the technical side. If the picture isn't violating any real persons or depicting very, very, very controversial topics like religion or politics to ridicule opinions of other people I basically don't care. Let people paint what they want, I don't need uniformity.

If someone wants to paint the earth is flat, just go ahead! First, idk if the person really thinks the earth is flat... or, is it maybe just some fantasy? Is it just for fun, did the artist just try out how the earth would look flat or is it easier for him to paint the earth kind of flat. Is the painter of that pic maybe someone who had no education and just painted what he sees and tries to imagine how it might look like. Or is the artist just painting something that came into his mind without a lot of thinking and it's now me interpreting something in his flat earth picture which he didn't even think of. But the most important thing: the earth won't get flatter just with that one flat earth painting.

Even with 1000 of that flat earth paintings, it won't. Being an individuum that is able to controle my emotions and to recognise what's important and what not I wouldn't even think to rent about that flat earth artist. Let him paint the flat earth, I can mildly smirk about him or shake my head and move on to the round earth painting I like most. There are more important things than to explode about a flat earth painting.

Now... I am not painting reality, I don't believe in my paintings showing reality or anything remotely close to reality. It's impossible that any character I paint is real. And I clearly distinguish between real people I see on the street or documentaries (I don't say media in general cuz... we only see the most beautiful people in movies or social media with all the filter and photoshop and it gives a contorted view on "reality") and painted anime charas. Recently I saw (oh I got actually an education by one of my "critics" in how I should paint!) a lot of realistic anime character fanarts which clearly just were repaints from given photographies of random prototype Asian models... the technical side was extremely good, forgetting the fact that it still was a repaint and repaint is always a bit easier since u don't need to think about the facial features anymore yourself... but the charas... they looked so realistic, so much like real people that again I wasn't able to see the anime chara anymore. For me it was just the random prototype Asian model (perfect as they are, because, well... model) from the photography with slightly changed hair and... blue eyes.

But! And now that's the big difference, I look at that kind of very realistic fanart and although it doesn't even remotely remind me of that anime chara and I feel nothing for it than some portrait photography repaint, it would never, never come into my mind commenting with (insert the vomit emoji here, cuz that's what happened to my art) a disgracing and hurtful comment just because I think my vision, my very private believe of what is a good fanart stands above anything else and I have the right and privilege to lower the artist in any kind of way. Who am I to feel superior?... exactly, I don't have that right, especially on something very subjective as looks of anime charas in fanart.

I realised by a couple of conversations with people who have no issues with my art that a lot of the hate roots from wanting to feel moral-wise superior. It's like a trend to stomp over everything, doesn't even need to be very important or influential, that doesn't meet the standard of what is moralistic acceptable in one owns subjective believe. Some call it being sensitive about what art should show and I guess the haters would call themselves even very sensitive and caring for over people... but want to be frank here, it's not sensitivity, it's being bored by their own lives and having no creative potential themselves. So.. what are we gonna do today? Complaining, cancelling, hating, yeah, that's a good hobby!

Sorry to inform you that your "sensitivity" is hurting me a lot.

I don't aim to call out specifically with my art to a particular group of people or disgracing them, there is clearly no hate inside or anything, I certainly don't try to portrait reality... dammit it's Anime charas! They aren't real in the first place! Gargh... If someone has an issue with the facial looks of how I paint, I am very very fine with a comment like: "hey you know, somehow I see in my mind Miya Osamu looking more like Toshirou Mifune... but, you know, it's ok, you aren't a mind reader. :) I would like to share my fanart of Osamu with u, too then u can see what I have in mind." That's a respectful, a very constructive and even inviting and mature comment. If I sounded a bit rude in the past towards haters it wasn't because I am rude but I got a couple of very humiliating comments that my only way to answer was to give them the same medicine back they forced me to swallow.

Hfff... so long... sorry.

Idk if haters or immature people who come across my paintings are going to read this and understand what I want to say so just for repeat: I don't have anything bad in mind with my art, I don't try to colonialize Asia, I don't see my art as absolute truth and its not a perfect replication of the original anime character. It's fan-ta-sy. If u don't like the style and aesthetic, move on, paint your own interpretation, that's the best way to put my art aside if u want to put it aside.

And for the people who like my art, you are my heroes, not because u are flattering me with comments (yeah also that tho lol) but because u let me see that there are rational thinking people out there, not oversensitive and in constant alarm to sniff around like blood dogs finding another topic to rent about but just enjoying fanart at what it is: fanart. It's you who enjoy their lives and I am enjoying it, too.

Thank you! :)

[jombocostello]

hey!! can i request a Polnareff x Reader where it’s basically set after the events of Stardust Crusaders where they go their separate ways and Polnareff goes to back to France but the reader decides to go with him cuz it’s been her dream to go to France and now they’re just a lovey dovey couple doing romantic things that deserve a happy ending after the events in egypt. (ik in pt 5 he said he travelled europe in search of the arrows but i just wanna see my french man all goofy w/ a happy ending)

hi, thanks so much for the request!! i am so happy my first request is a polnareff one lmao. this is such a cute idea! and i agree- polnareff deserves a nice relaxing life on the french countryside with the love of his life more than anything!

perfection (polnareff x reader)

"So... You're sure about this, right?"

"Yes! God, how many times do I have to tell you?"

That had been three months ago, after you and the other crusaders had defeated Dio. You stood at the airport, one hand securely holding your luggage and the other held tightly in Polnareff's. "I don't have any family, so we'll be on our own. It's quiet where I'm from."

"It's not gonna be quiet if I'm there," you said, and he laughed a little. "I'll brighten up your little neighborhood in no time, trust me."

"I'm glad." He leaned down and kissed your forehead, and despite being relatively new, the gesture felt like the most familiar, comfortable thing in the world. "Our plane'll be leaving soon, (Y/N). You ready?"

You nodded, setting your luggage down on the ground and gently letting go of Polnareff's hand. "One second." You walked over to Joseph and Jotaro, who were getting ready for their own flight a few feet away, and pulled them both into a hug. "Bye, guys," you murmured into Jotaro's shoulder, grinning. "I'll see you around."

You all pulled back and took in each other's expressions. "Good luck with him," Joseph said, gesturing to Polnareff. "He can be a real pain in the ass."

Jotaro cracked a smile. "But so can she, so I think they'll be alright." You all laughed and, after one more hug, said goodbye.

Polnareff handed you your bag when you got back. "So, are you excited?" you asked, grinning up at him as you walked. "I am. I'm really happy."

Never one for suppressing his emotions, Polnareff smiled widely down at you and again took your hand in his. "I can't even describe how happy I am. My heart is so full." You felt your face heat up and you sighed, raising his hand and kissing it gently. "I promise I'll make you happy."

You had no doubt that he would fulfill that promise.

---

"Shit! Ah, uh... Jean, on a scale of one to ten, how important is this mug to you?"

Three months later and you've settled into domestic life wonderfully. Polnareff's hometown really isn't much of a town - every house in the area is a five minute drive away - but it doesn't bother you one bit. The gorgeous scenery and the peace of total silence is a welcome change, especially after what you've both been through.

There had been a couple bumps in the road during the first month; you'd taken your relationship pretty quickly, to be fair, so there was a bit of awkwardness and readjusting as you learned to live with each other. Still, though, you both make each other so happy that those problems sorted themselves out pretty quickly.

And now you're here, holding half of a bright red coffee mug while the other half lies shattered on the ground. Polnareff pokes his head in from the other room and you meet his gaze, smiling sheepishly. "Sorry."

He looks from you to the smashed mug, and before you can get nervous, a grin splits across his face. "It was ugly anyways! And now we have an excuse to get a new one." He walks over to you with long strides and crouches down, carefully picking up the shards. "We can get one in your favorite color, which is... Uh..." You watch him with raised eyebrows as he wracks his brain for a few moments. Finally, he tries a color, and to your surprise he gets it right! He smirks as he stands back up and tosses the mug in the trash. "We're on the same wavelength, ma cherie," he says with a laugh.

"I guess so. Definitely on the right track, at least." You grab a different mug and VERY carefully bring it over to the counter. As you pour your coffee, you watch Polnareff lean against the kitchen counter. His hair is nearly touching the ceiling; it's so funny how he dwarfs everything in his own home.

"I didn't know you drink coffee," he comments.

"I haven't been able to sleep for the past two months so I figured I probably shouldn't," you answer as you spoon sugar into your cup. "This week has been pretty good sleep-wise so I'm bringing it back!" You take an obnoxious sip and burn the hell out of your tongue. Polnareff laughs loudly as you swear, but you just set the mug down and laugh a little with him. "The coffee doesn't agree with me."

"Apparently not." He walks over to you and wraps his arms around you, resting his chin on the top of your head. Part of you hates the fact that he's tall enough to do this, but the other half absolutely loves it. "Are you okay?" he asks softly, and you feel your heart skip as he takes your hands in his.

"Yeah, it's fine," you breathe, smiling. "It'll take more than a cup of coffee to get me."

"I know." He presses a kiss to the top of your head and sighs. "Well I might as well start drinking coffee too, huh? I never used to but I can try."

You smile as Polnareff walks over to the coffee maker and squints at it for a moment, as if judging by its appearance whether he would like it. "Jean, I'm not making you take up coffee drinking. You don't have to if you don't want to."

"But I want to try!" he declares, and he decides to steal a sip of yours. He picks it up and quickly drinks a minuscule amount; almost immediately his face scrunches up. You snort as he sets the cup down, grimacing. "Maybe it's not for me."

"It figures you wouldn't like something so bitter," you say, a cheeky grin making its way onto your face. "You're just too sweet!" He groans loudly with a huge smile on his face as you wrap your arms around him. "I couldn't resist, sorry."

He sighs. "It's gonna take me a week to get over that one." You let go of him and sit down at the kitchen table with your coffee. "But I forgive you." You look down at the wooden table as you drink some more, while Polnareff looks through the cabinets for something to have for breakfast.

You haven't been sleeping very well for the past few months - ever since you got back from Egypt. Most nights you get a few hours, but sometimes you can't even bring yourself to close your eyes; whenever you do, you're plagued by images of the horrors you witnessed and the friends you lost. Kakyoin's strangled scream as he was killed plays almost constantly in your dreams, and the fact that Avdol hadn't even gotten a chance to say goodbye hurts more than anything. You shut your eyes and take a deep breath. Polnareff is going through the same thing, so you both spend a lot of time comforting each other, but it's still ridiculously hard. You're so, so, lucky that you have him, but not even he can keep you from falling into all those memories on some days. You clench your fists when you feel your eyes well up with tears; maybe this grief is never going to fade -

"Holy shit! When did you buy brownies?"

Polnareff's elated voice tears you from your thoughts, and you laugh loudly. He looks at you with wide, excited eyes. "Seriously! Did you know they're my favorite?"

"I know now."

"Let's make them," he says definitively.

You raise your eyebrows. "Jean, we haven't even had breakfast yet."

He looks from you to the brownies and back again. "...We could have brownies for breakfast...?"

God, you love him so much. With a laugh, you grab the box from him. "I'm not gonna argue with that." He grins and thanks you as you open up the box.

After a breakfast of slightly-burnt brownies, you and Polnareff spend the day around the house, fixing up the yard and rearranging some furniture. If someone had told you a month ago that you'd be living out this perfectly domestic life, you would've laughed out loud - but somehow, you found yourself in a cottage on the French countryside with the man you loved more than anyone in the world. Days just fly by, because you have so much fun being with him. It's honestly perfect.

Later in the day, you're in your bedroom reading when Polnareff steps into the room. He places his hands on your shoulders and leans down, kissing your cheek. "Hi," he murmurs.

You turn to face him and kiss him, wrapping your arm loosely around his torso. "Hey," you reply. "What's up?"

"I have a request, dear." He gently takes your hands and pulls you out of your chair with a gentle smile. "Put on the nicest outfit you have and meet me at the door."

You squint at him. "What's this about?"

He smiles. "It's a surprise!" You stare at him for a while longer; you know secrets only last about 30 seconds in Polnareff's brain. He finally relents, sighing and letting go of your hands. "I made a reservation at that restaurant you said you wanted to try."

"What?" You hug him tightly, grinning. "Thank you!"

"Of course." The softness of his voice makes you smile; he's just so sweet. "I figured since it's been three months of being together, we should celebrate!"

"Three months..." You lean back and look up at him, cracking a smile. "It's really been wonderful. I love being with you, Jean."

His eyes widen, and he slowly leans down and kisses your forehead. "Three perfect months with the perfect person," he murmurs.

He leaves to get ready, and you get ready yourself. Just thinking about all the wonderful gestures of love Polnareff showers you with makes you blush. Taking you to restaurants, showing you all the best parts of his hometown, the little hugs and kisses he gives you all throughout the day... He's truly a master of romance, that's for sure. He wins you over more and more every day.

You're ready to go, and you head for the door. Polnareff is waiting for you in a crisp button-down shirt and a nice pair of pants; he looks handsome every day but this is just ridiculous. When he sees you his eyes widen, and his mouth just barely turns up at the corners. He stares at you for a minute and then blinks, as if he's forgotten how to speak. "(Y/N), you're so beautiful," he says quietly, taking you in.

Your face flushes and you glance down, unable to hold his gaze. He takes a couple steps towards you and places his hand under your chin, guiding your face up to look at him. "I mean it," he tells you, and you know he does. His voice is so earnest and adoring and you feel your heart nearly burst from your chest. "I love you."

You stand on your toes and kiss him, wrapping your arms around his neck. As you part, you reach out and fix a strand of hair that had somehow fallen from its immaculate style. "I love you too, Jean," you say softly, as you briefly run your hand over his cheek. "Thank you for being with me."

He suddenly puts an abrupt end to the gentle moment by leaning in and giving you a loud kiss on the cheek. "The pleasure's all mine," he says with a warm laugh, and you snort, punching him in the arm. You can't imagine a life or a love that's better than this.

[madeintimeland]

im oversharing this got long sorry. just reminscing on shit ive thought about a million times over again

theres so much art i want to create and so little motivation. i should start smoking weed again bc every time im high i get my best ideas or at least like, it takes away the layer of film over my brain that stops me from being able to come up with creative ideas, but also im scared its going to send me into mental hell again. like i need to be in a perfect state for it lest i fear im going to invoke my months long existential crisis again and i Cannot be doing that shit rn. but also i wonder if its going to be worth it anyways if i can create something to leave on this earth again. like ive been so bad at creativity lately like i want to draw and produce things and im bubbling over with energy and i feel the ideas fermenting in the deep recesses of my brain like theyre nestled into the grooves and folds but i cant access them yet. and i know i can if im stoned. i might turn into a hermit hunched over my tablet all hours of the day just making shit tbh. i absorb so much of the things around me and i know if i try to make something now its going to basically be direct copies of the things i saw but if im high im sure i can actually create something new and beautiful. im scared of being intoxicated again but i was scared to drink again too and i got drunk and proceeded to love it and want to drink every single day because surprise surprise i have alcoholism coded into my dna and consequentially have an addictive personality in general. which is why i felt like my life was useless without weed. all up until i was finally able to get my hands on a stash that would let me smoke whenever i want versus when i would get a small amount every couple of months and completely and utterly fail at ratioing it out and binge it all and then have ridiculously introspective trips where id start to go a little crazy at the end (i have a distinct memory of looking at a meme that had a woman on it and thinking ‘jesus christ... what the fuck is that’ and then spiraled into thinking about how life is pointless but i didnt have enough weed to continue with that train of thought and if i did i may have had my crisis a lot earlier, it was just inevitable) i just felt like being high was the only time i could actually get in touch with my inner self again. like i used to before the thick clouds of depression and psychosis settled in. but then i finally was able to get high for longer than short bursts of time and it all came to a head where my brain broke and i have existential terror now that i feel im going to not be able to deal with confronting again. but every time i say that it never ends up staying permanently, it comes in waves, it all comes in waves. back and forth. i feel beauty in life and then i feel fear. i feel like its all worth it and then i cant stop thinking about the inevitable heat death of the universe and the pointlessness of it all. and then i get a hug or listen to a really good song and i feel like its worth it again. i wonder if this is just a period in my life im not a total stoner or if its actually permanent. anyways point is i want to make so much stuff that my hands ache and my brain rots when i think about how many things inspire me. thats why my aesthetic tag is #inspiration, its been like that for many years now, its stuff that inspires me. but at what point am i going to turn that inspiration into reality? im bad at initiative. my initiative is going to be when i pick up the pot again because im too lethargic and procrastinatey to create the things i want any other time. but when will that be? i cant see a therapist or anything rn and working it out on my own has been mildly successful, not bad, im not spending every single day in terror like i was at this point last year. it started all going away around august after starting in march. march 30th in fact. from then on its been a constant battle with dissociation. funny because just earlier in march was some of the best experiences of my life. i think if lockdown never happened this never would have happened either but at the same time im left wondering how anybody can go through their life without wondering about the meaning of it all and coming out the other side with purpose and resolve. mine was to enjoy myself and find as much beauty and love in life as i can before i die and enhance the lives of the people around me while i can because i feel too small to do anything on a grander scale. and im fine with that, for the most part, but i still get attacked by these waves of thought where i wonder what the purpose of reality is . i always have to smack myself and remind myself no dumbass you already went over this a million times, just enjoy yousrelf while youre here. but when im high its a million times worse cuz the only time i can get my mind off it is when im replacing it with horny thoughts and thats not the only thing i wanna do when im high ofc i want to experience and create and listen to music. but i mean i havent smoked since june. i think the 15th ? i could go back and read my journals to tell exactly when it was but yeah its been almost a year now and i feel like i might have it in me again. i used to love getting high and working on shit so much. some of my best works and most  creative projects and honestly just most enjoyable periods of my life were when i was high. going back to what i was saying about early march 2020 being the best time of my life, idk what it was about me but i was just having a grand old time experiencing absolute beauty playing ark with my friends, feeling so creative and developing new ideas and experiences, and using the freedom and motivation i felt ingame to also want to explore the world irl. i seriously was close to actually finally reading my survival manual and start camping and shit and i wanted to visit my relatives in their hella secluded farmhouse in the middle of fuck nowhere kansas, cuz i did visit there during that time period and i loved it to death, i felt so free. two different relatives actually and they both had that same aesthetic about them. of course they were horribly racist but i mean, thats rural kansas for you. i just wanted to camp in their woods. its funny because that month was simultaneously the best and worst of my life. all because of weed! if i never started smoking or rather never found a reliable source at that point in my life i wonder how i wouldve turned out? id like to chalk this up to fate that im like this, maybe its for the best, maybe smoking again wont help me but maybe it will. i have a way to ease myself back into it i just need that leap of faith and  bravery like i felt when i was drinking again. its funny because i used to be such a fucking druggie and i wanted to get high all the time and then after my existential crisis that all just. stopped. i feell ike everyone i know is sick of me talking about it but it really fundamentally changed me on the inside even if it doesnt seem like it much on the outside so i feel its right of me to talk about it sometimes. it makes me feel better at least. like this is jsut a thing t hat happened, not a fated break from the universe i cant come back from yknow? i dunno. ive rambled on way too fucking long and idk if anyones gonna read this. tldr i want to draw and create so many things and i have too many ideas to deal with but i only feel ill be able to unlock my creativity and motivation if im high but due to bad past experiences im terrified to get high again. i mean ive done and made some pretty cool stuff since then but the motivation and ideas are much fewer and far between compared to the absolute deluge i get when im stoned , whether any of my ideas are actually any good or if they were just high ramblings is up to debate but i think it gave me a really good way of looking at things and i made some pretty cool stuff and i miss it a lot but i dont know if going back to it is going to be a mistake or not and im not brave enough to find out if itll hurt me again or if im ready. yyyyaaaayyyyy hahahaha ✌

[dracjoonie]

BTS Reactions ~ Date Night~[Hyung Line]

I’m actually posting content!?!? ik, right?? And its a long one! This has taken me all month to finally finish, so I hope it turned out good <3  Now to see how long Maknae line takes me...

Links and m/l in my bio~ 

𝕊𝕖𝕠𝕜𝕛𝕚𝕟

Date nights are in stone for him. Every Thursday night his schedule was cleared for you and if something came up it’d better get cleared or he would have some words. Same goes for you. Oh, your friends thought it would be nice to go to a movie with you on a Thursday night? That’s cute, better pick a different day though. Oh, your boss needs you that night? Ya, no. They better get someone else. And if they have a problem they can take it up with him. 

Some weeks date nights would be the only time you both would have the chance to see each other, so that alone would make him very insistent about it. I think hes the type to really value time together, so he would cherish the nights you had and would do what he needed to to make every one special. In his own way of course. They would start out early, maybe 5pm or earlier if you were both free. He would bring you to his apartment so you both could deescalate from all the chaos of the week prier, he would have groceries delivered so the both of you wouldn’t even have to leave if you didn’t want to. Sometimes he would cook, or you both would cook together. Other nights you would splurge and he would take you out to dinner somewhere nice. Somewhere with a gorgeous view and expensive wine. I feel like he wouldn’t be insistent on “dressing for the occasion” if you were both tired. He’s Jin, he could wear sweatpants to a 5 star restaurant and no one would bat an eye. And he would still call you beautiful if you showed up in pajamas and messy hair. 

Whether  you decided to stay in or not he would make sure you had both eaten until you were full and content, wanting to take you back to curl up together on the couch. You would watch something silly together, maybe some bad horror movies, anything you didn’t have to pay too much attention to because you would most likely be talking through it anyway. Talking, wrestling, lots of tickle fights, with sweet kisses in between. Every moment would be carefree with him, every Thursday becoming your weekly getaway from the stresses of real life.  And he would make it a point to be like that, real life could start at midnight and you could talk and rant about your lives then, but Thursdays were vacation. 

I also don’t see him letting you leave until morning, whatever that entailed~

𝕐𝕠𝕠𝕟𝕘𝕚

I doubt he would even call it date night, but that’s what it would be. I see it being spur of the moment, never planned longer than a week in advance unless it was a special occasion. Or unless he planned something in secret. I see it being really casual as well. It could even be the both of you running some errands and grabbing a bite to eat, but you would be together. Whatever you could work into your busy schedules. Sometimes if it was an off day you both had he would want to just sit around and do nothing, but would be more than pleased if you were willing to sit around and do nothing with him. 

And I mean nothing. As soon as you were over you would just laze around in his room, never leaving it if you didn’t have to. You might curl up with a laptop on his bed in a pillow fort while he online shopped or something. Listening to a playlist you both put together, breaking away from your devices to chat occasionally. You would both order some delivery and just hope that someone else was home to bring the food to his room so you wouldn’t have to venture out and be social. Some time into the day you would have fallen asleep; all curled up by your laptop, and he would wake you by dragging you into his arms and playing with your hair.  He would tell you how much it meant to him to just be able to spend casual time together with you, even if you weren’t really doing anything.

But on a night out things would be different. You both would go somewhere classy ™.   Classy and quite, probably on an off day too. You’d both sit in a corner by a window so you could people watch in peace. You’d sit and gossip and throw shade for hours over several glasses of wine. He’d tell you about how the wines he was picking were made, or even about the furniture or architecture in the restaurant. I feel like it’d be mostly him talking on a night out, all with his hands (especial after the wine) and he would just be living off of your reactions, however small they might be. 

ℍ𝕠𝕤𝕖𝕠𝕜

(I just reallly wanted to use this gif, and I may have been overly inspired by it. Oops xD) 

I feel like he would be the most planed. If its gonna be a date, its gotta be a DATE. Any other night you two were together could be casual, but once he had time on an excuse to go all out that’s exactly what he would do. I could see him making reservations for some place that’s super difficult to get into (I mean not for him cuz hes J-fucking-HOPE but~) Some place you’ve gotta count the 0′s next to the prices to be sure you read that right. He’d already prepare for you freaking out about not owning anything nearly lavish enough to be seen in a place like that. He’d just tell you to go open your closet and once you did there would be this brand new outfit for you, shoes and all. It’d be something booshie like Versace, Gucci,  Yves Saint Laurent etc. He’d take the price tags off so you couldn’t freak out about how much he was spending too, probably also rummaged through your closet months ago just so he knew your sizes. I see him renting a car for him to drive you rather than a driver, something sporty. Once you parked; valley, He walk you down towards the front entrance, his hand at the small of your back. It’d be so godamn fancy that paparazzi would be snapping pictures, and there would be plenty of other celebrity’s around. Probably poses for the cameras, spins and dips you to show you off because he would be proud to be spotted with his s/o so publicly. 100% gonna check the headlines to see the pics of you two once you both ordered.

But most nights you two would just goof around, maybe go to a karaoke night, or go shopping together. Maybe grab some burgers and head over to the company building so he could show you some dances he had been working on. Probably scream with you being extra competitive in an arcade until they kick y’all out at closing xD

ℕ𝕒𝕞𝕛𝕠𝕠𝕟

Date nights? Nononono. Date Days. Most days I don’t really see him being that into planning either. Prefers to pick a general destination and lets things progress “organically” from there.  I see him showing up at your door on your day off with a couple of bicycles he rented. Maybe a cute bouquet of flowers he may or may not have dropped a couple of times on the way over.  You would usher him inside and ask him how he even got all the way to you with two bikes and one free hand. A story for the ages. After you put the flowers in a vase and kissed him thank you he would already be dragging you towards the door, not wanting to wast any time. He already would have a destination in mind, somewhere quite on the outskirts of town a few miles out. Somewhere you could sit and enjoy the scenery, but close by to some local shops and restaurants he would be excited to visit. You would take the long way there, biking side by side through back neighborhoods and parks, maybe stopping by a lake to chase the birds and goof around in the water while looking for fish. 

Once you arrived you would ditch the bikes and stroll around through town.You would shop around and find a bunch of unique jewelry and clothing you would both be dying to add to your collections. Might have to hold him back from buying too much. Mid afternoon he would take you to a nature sanctuary. You would sit out in the grass by a stream among all sorts of trees and flowers. He would hold your hands while you lay back and talked for hours, watching the clouds and just enjoying how peaceful it was. He would share his thoughts and feelings, probably spilling his heart out to you and letting it be known just how much he appreciates the time you had. Once it got dark you would go back into town and find a small restaurant to eat at before heading back home. The way back would be just as care free, basking in the moonlight and watching the stars and headlights passing by. Probably stays the night at your place, and asks for your help returning the bikes come morning~ 

[stillwooozy]

tw rape ig but no one reads this diary blog

But does anyone else.... FORGET they were raped? Like not repressed trauma/memories (i... really dont believe that to say the least.....) but just..... i push it so far away that something ovious needs to push the knowledge forward

ive been in some shitty sitautions jfc. the only reason i can type this rn is cuz im numb cuz if drugs

Anyways i was raped twice and almost raped once. well once i dont remmeber cuz i was drugged but ik i was raped. and like ... it sucks man. It really does. i acknowledge those experiences probably fucked me up more than i give them credit. A part of me does blme myself tho, which ofc isnt “right” but i cant help it. I put myself into dangerous situations knowing the full possibilties. I liked the thrill. It added excitement and made me feel imporant when i felt if everyone hated me

Like no one knows. I feel like no one understands. My choices led to my experiences, and its just humiliating. Idk why im thinking of this now

No i know. Its cuz im hypersexual and asexual at the same time. And i have no more close friends. Im lonely. And i cant keep relationships.

I feel like my experience/life is normal. And the sad part is i think it is.

I hold 0 spite towards # me-too to clarify. I dont even want ppl to address men rape cuz gay men are villianized like taht. Countless times gay men, gay fucking boys, are “canceled” for bullshit they never did cuz straight ppl are so afraid of gay guys. But its not being gay that is the problem. Its just so many men. Its a society taht treats mentally ill like trash& has a toddlers understanding of consent. Cuz to truly value consent... u have to go against a lot of the status quo

Im just angry at my younger self. Why did i purposefully put myself in danger? I know why. Its just gonna hurt for a while. Been years now .

No.. it doesnt hurt it just negatively impacts me.

And i cant fcking speak about

Or tecnically i can but come on. I am surrounded by emough shame and humilitation around me. Im mentally fucked and king of bad decisions. Even therapists get weirded out. Even good ones. Not weirded out, just.... unable to address it.

I can understand genocide more than rape. Like actual rape. Like i was held at knife point. Wish i was making up some fun story. Who tf gets pleasure from that?????? Just sign up on fetlife and find a partner and roleplay. U dont need to ruin a 16 yr old boy and take away his dignity. I hate it. There are si many other power games to play???

I like.. just push the mmeory away. I walk by the gay bar where i happened in the bathroom for the first time and i barely flinch. I pretend it was a dream ya know, like hahah so pathetic of me. Having my drink spiked was better. it was just so horrible waking up the next day in a strange apartment and the man was like... nonchallent. He didnt say ANYTGHING and it delt like i was in a horror movie cuz he coukd if killed me, he could of done snuthing, i hate jo idea what haooened ro my body and i just left. Snd somethimes i think i see him but ik its not i just can barely remmeber his face and who the FUCK does that ????? But mayeb i flirted too kuch: but why did he do that? I orobably wouldnof rucked him if he just asked. Idk. The last time i was like 17 Or 18? Idk actually i dont think younger but not odler thna 19, but i actually fought back and then just fcking ran. He had a knife tho and now i had one too and thats the moral why i alwYs have a swiss army knife in my backoack.

Its jdut fucked io, right? I mean ppl have it worse. I couldnt imagine getting abused or raped by like.... ur uncle as a CHILD. Idk.

Im sad rn. How can i be sad on so many happy pills? For some reason i feel extra disgusting cuz its been so long since anyone could use me. I dont like being used and at this point i am DONE with sex i just like attention. And letting someone fuck me is great attenrion. And man, fuck fetish jate, i love ppl w:l/ fetishes becasue its way more rhan shoving their musty dick in me. I dont have a foot fetish in the slightest - but u wany to massga emy feet and suck my toes? Go to town boy

I miss my ex. We didnt talk about this much hut thats my oroblem. She had no sinilar experience but she is very emoathetic and i trust her. Like she didnt make me feel weak or pathetic when i disclosed it ya know. I just said “i have had some unconseual sex experiences and they rly never come into play but i’ll lyk if they do” and shes was just like “omg lets talk about it when ur ready, no pressure, idk why u didnt tell me earlier but im so sorry” and it made me nut just feeling ~validated~ like that.

Well im gling to sleep. Enjoy ky tangenr. I cant type jfc thays a bad sign but hey!!!! If i dont remember writinh this, it will still exist, and i can read it weeks later and go “damn. I rly was numb yhay night if i was able to so chillly talk about some of the worst events if my life”

[indigoschool]

A Shroom Report

This is a piece by Indigo School member Bailey from his trip on shrooms. 

“Below is a writing I composed during a recent shroom trip. I could have given backstory or additional details but I’ve decided to leave it organic as I feel the writing is organic as well.” - Bailey

This is so intimate and exposed my phone gives off new energy I wasn’t feeling before 

I want to be able to touch and caress another idk if it would lead sexually im water but thick like honey im so fluid it would probably be sexual And a orchestration my mind is so many different levels and dimensions of depth pure human my room is so small but my mind is so expansive the longer periods of time I use my phone I feel as if im being pulled into something I can literally become lost in my mind it’s a infinite being simple barbaric wanting to bite and to feel everything another human would be splendid her love passion late by kanye west her phone feels alien is it better to love and never have the chance to be hurt or risk the love for something great emotions are so deep feminine divine thoughts roam but return to her warm never let me down kanye West her love or lust? Love lust is purely sexually feelings and intentions and love is so much deeper I wanna know her on every level lol kinda corny but society made love corny because it’s emotion and it’s so deep and hsrd to explain we get scared or overwhelmed by it and instead should embrace it and everything it is and just be she’s so beautiful she’s better than me I value my self lower because of the value I hold thee love change is scary but thats what makes it fun the unknown present living present I can image the future we could have but if it’s not so it will hurt but if it is the will expand into something great and undescribable love pure love is it worth the gamble will the feelings be mutual or more ever building off each other pure her I wanted you to read this feminine mind working vulnerable understanding loving is that what she wants over thinking will the feelings be mutual raw emotions pure feeling love want her love is suffocating Inna Good way in which it takes over everything pure powerful red warm 808s and heartbreaks speaks to me robocop this could be us beautiful she’s so beautiful will feelings be the same it could be so beautiful honest pure Harmony why is this trip like this blame game by kanye West I love this song pure emotions I want her emotions are like rhythms life is rhythms rhythmic beautiful irrescribable wow will the words I write portray the same meaning and feeling that I pour into them? Will they be comprehended?

 And felt the way that I am feeling them. Words are such a horrible way of coneveying true feelings and emotions and intentions gender is fluid while I feel feminine and masculine and balanced at one pure love blame game by kanye West is beautiful idk why I want you to read this probably because no one else in touch with the feminine side lmao why that sound corny too society got us washed this is my pure emotion poured over a canvas emotions feel like a warm liquid but thick and sparkling something mystic she’s that someone she’s mystic she’s sparkling I want her to experience her how deep she is emotionally lmao ik How that sounded how complex a individual idk if this will be felt and comprehended like I intend too I want her my heart love will she want me I want her to feel as deeply for me as I do for her but in no selfish intent but for her to be able to feel this pure feeling of love I want her to be happy my emotions are deep but will hers be as deep for me? Im a chalice overflowth medieval times are appealing to me alchemy Golden I want to live for her. Will she live for me? Is that the creation of a perfect being? No selfish intent purely for another? Say you will by kanye West the heart is so strong I love her she’s so beautiful so divine women and men so much balance women are strong men will pretend to be but emotions overtake we will do things for her say you will by kanye West is beautiful I feel like this is getting too long for you too keep interest but I want you to help me. Help me understand and guide me. Wow me looking for guidance. While im usually one who gives guidance. I feel like you’ll understand. We are so clouded by day to day life some people are so content why do I wanna know so much deeper l really want her she’s so beautiful and complex time doesn’t feel like it exist one seamless flow the human language is such a weak attempt to be able to… This will you want to read this to help me this is alot and vulnerable this has become a cross of my emotions and the trip documentation everything happens for a reason and presents itself at a certain time as my playlist ranges from moods vibes feelings but it all makes sense humanity I want her I keep going back to that my mind is so complex but simple at the same time perspectives continually change everything does water fluid motion duality this is incoherent but coherent at the same time because we can all relate feelings are so powerful im having a break though 808s and heartbreaks is so pure such a beautiful creation am I writing this as a letter for one to read or self documentation and analysis why do I do the things that I do? Why does anyone do anything? I want these answers it’s so deep something beyond something beyond what is normally conceived we have created so many beautiful things why must be create evil as well this is so pure jazz is so nice soul filled is the the passion forget what you could get out of it as a material gain but you do it because you love it I feel like I relate to everyone im connected to everyone everyone feels this people will say this is crazy or insanity but they feel it too I speak the truth the saxophone in drive slow by kanye is so nice family business is beautiful as well from kanye the pianos are so nice emotions ahah I love it why do people want to be hateful? Something eating at them but hating someone else somehow makes that better we continue to lie to ourselves but it’s impossible cuz we know ahah who is gonna want to read all of this ahha it’s so insightful though just daunting because of its length but life isn’t a short answer everything is complex while being simple we can never understand this she’s so beautiful we created this world we live in in order to give order into something we can’t understand I want to confess my feelings we are all so misunderstood why does society view us like this? Why are they so scared to embrace the unknown and just be I am spewing my feelings and inner thoughts into this will any one even want to read this? Or is a normal and basic human mind disregard it? Most people don’t understand this why can’t they understand this I love this why can’t we be like this I keep having recurring feelings and thoughts are these the most truthful or should all thoughts be held at the same regard? I want people to understand this. No one will read this. This is so long and has no organization why do we do this! I want answers so bad. I feel hopeless why will this be disregard look at all this information just thrown away I want people to see this but will they? Im upset with myself because I want someone to read this but fear because of the length no one will. Why can’t people achieve this with me? Why do darker places.. Why do we want them once we are im them? I really want someone to read this. Idk what to do with myself. This writing is beautiful, it’s a work art will anyone understand this? This is a literary work of art. This is the the pure expression of the human mind. Time is such a luxury. Im at the point of wanting to sleep but of course my mind will not let me. What id this anymore. A personal documentation or a cry for help? That felt like what I should say. Im so fucking mad no one is going to fucking read this goddammit I want them too soo bad what am I Doing… Fuck im going to stop writing in hopes that someone will still read this for me. What have I gotten my self into? Feeling as if I stop I’ll miss something crucial that I wanted them to know. It’s not suppose to be like this. We are too pure and simple minded for all of this. Yet so complex. We are our own self enemies, mankind. I just want to help others. This is why I feel the urge to write. In hope that it can help someone. I don’t live for myself, I live for others. Is this how it’s suppose to be? I want her. Why do I feel like she has all the answers. It’s wrong to put that onto someone. This writing has gotten much more coherent as the thoughts are more complete instead of all over the place. I feel like the evolution of mankind. Infinite. Someone understand this with me. We long to be with mother Earth. I no longer feel the need to write so this is my proper ending I suppose.

[thesanguinecrow]

just gonna vent about my day under here

ive already vague posted about it but i kinda just wanna get it all clear n out

lowkey thinkin of making a personal journal blog thang cuz i like posting into the void as an outlet

and of course you dont have to read this if you dont want to (its hella long too though i put a tldr). i wish you well regardless <3 

again its entirely up to you if you wanna read this. im not in any grand detriment and will be able to handle my situations just wanna express some stuff in words, release some pressure to not have it all be inside

tldr: romantic dullness/exhaustion, cant use the parking pass i bought today bc step dads truck broke down so he using my moms car shes using mine i have to walk to school n being able to go to work/interviews is looking impossible, money is tight, changing coins into cash was difficult (heavy, took a long time, spilled some coins, lost like 36 in service fee), stomach bein sensitive

ok so this kinda starts off from my train of thought from yesterday n i felt that feel where its like am i rly gonna find anyone i can genuinely vibe with and feel like !!<3 all that love stuff and when i opened myself to see how i felt towards people in that sense it all kinda felt dull and cardboard-y.

i feel like ive put out too much romantic interest and im cycling back into a low period and having more disinterest

in my french class ive moved my seat to sit next to a guy i think is cute. 

ever since the first time we spoke when we had to pair up with someone we never talked to yet in the class the vibe was v chill n like we were already buds and my aries mars is becoming bolder and i was like okay why not lez go. its been cool sitting next to him and we have our meme moments and our laughs.

today my fiend sat next to me and i could just bee insecure and jealous but the guy, who sat on my other side, complimented on her eyelashes and yeah (ik ik its like \__!__/ and i have no control over other ppl free will but yknow i gotta fancy on this guy

though today the luster has faded from him pretty hard

we were talking about french terms for family members and like widow and stuff was one of the terms (i dont remember exactly as it came up but) and he was putting out that lmao im single and lookin for some nice nice ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) and the whole vibe was just off putting

when class ends we usually talk a little bit till a couple steps out of the door and we go our separate ways but today i had to go to the cashiers to buy a parking pass so i walked with him more

when we left the building he like projectile spits into the dirt and for me the whole like idk what to call it but the sound of gathering the spit n stuff y’know like that absolutely makes me cringe so i was just there like

so any way i go to the cashiers to (finally) buy my parking pass

thankfully since we moved im now within walking distance of my school but its like ide rather not. i sweat easily, a lot, and its so cal sunny weather is almost constant. for the past like 2 weeks ive been parking as close as i can to the school in the residential area and walked the rest. (you still need permit like 4 blocks from the school) so i was glad to finally get my pass to park across the street.

until my mom told me this night that my step dads truck broke down (its an old used car with a lot of miles on it the engine wasnt actin right) so now he has to take my moms car and shes gonna take my car. thus i gotta walk all the way from home to school. im mad that like the day i buy my pass is the day i loose the ability to take my car to school. tomorrow imma see if i can still refund my pass.

this is throwing a wrench into my activities bc ive been riding on three job interviews and now idek if i can make it to work especially on a basically on demand basis (bc part time seasonal work be like that) i already interviewed for two and canceled the third

over all losing the functionality of one of our vehicles, work not being ideal, and me losing my mobility has thrown me back into financial anxiety and put a damper on my mood.

other unfortunate events today have been my stomach being sensitive to most anything and having to go exchange my step dads coins into cash

at some stores (like vons, ralphs, cvs) they got this machine called a coin star. you feed in your coins, they take a processing fee, you get a cash voucher, and cash it at the register to get your bills. 

my step dad had $300+ worth in coins and it was heavy.

part one of this poor experience: there was some random stuff up in the coins like safety pins so the machine jams i needa call the manager he clears it up we good

then i spill some of the fucking coins and i loose some under the machine. two other employees helped me pick up the coins thankfully

then i just was standing there for hella long and my hands got dirty from handing all the coins. i was probably there for almost an hour. my feet were starting to swell up n turn red from standing in place for that long. the wait then continued as i waited in the register line to cash the vouchers (one from the jam, one from the machine auto stopping bc we had to pick up the coins, and the final voucher after feeding everything in) and i waited for another while in the line at starbucks for my reward drink. 

also like coinstar takes like 11.5% fee and like oof with what i had it took like 36 dollars in fee

so like yeah that was my day