#daily iyo thoughts

[dailyiyozane]

Daily Iyo Thoughts Until There’s More Fan Content In The Queue #22

I think Iyozane might be a pretty stubborn person. Even after the capital started running ferryboats, they were still waiting around for customers they could ride across the strait. And there's the fact they're still hanging around with Fumikado (though part of that might also be safety in numbers since Kuroji, and they've probably come to like Fumikado a bit more).

I think it's because they have nothing else going on.

[milaisreading]

🌱🩷: 3rd story for the Christmas series. This will have some cute, platonic fluff

Relationship: Isagi Yoichi x Sister!Yn (platonic) (mentions of romantic Oliver Aiku x Yn)

Warnings: Reader uses she/her.

⚽️Blue Lock belongs to Muneyuki Kaneshiro and Yusuke Nomura ⚽️

🎄Dec 12th🎄

Christmas time in the Isagi household was always a warm and welcoming time. Both parents would always buy the presents they knew both (Y/n) and Yoichi wanted the whole year, and the kids would try their best to do the same in return with the allowance money. For (Y/n) she loved the time she spends with her family. After Yoichi started pursuing football professionally and left Japan to play for a team in Spain, she started looking forward to the holidays where Yoichi would be home for a week or two.

And as for Yoichi, he missed his sister and parents, the daily talks and meals they would share. And well, Christmas was the one thing he looked forward to a lot, and a specific tradition him and (Y/n) had since they were 14-15.

🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️

'I wonder what we will bake this year. Hope it involves chocolate.' Yoichi thought while his dad drove him home from the airport.

"And, how was it in Spain the past few months? We watched the last match you had. I don't know what was happening, but I can see you enjoyed yourself a lot." Issei spoke up, causing Yoichi to look at him with a grin.

"Yep! It was great, the team we played against was tough to crack, but we made it in the end. It was a good way to start off the season. How are you and mom?"

"We have been good. Mom is home, preparing dinner like crazy since Oliver will be joining is this Christmas as well."

"Oh yeah, (Y/n) mentioned it a few nights ago when we talked. Did they arrive yet?"

"Not yet. Their flight had to be delayed because of a storm."

"Oh... I hope they come home soon." Yoichi muttered, a little worried, but he knew everything will be fine.

🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️

Once back home, Isagi and his parents ate the dinner Iyo prepared and Isagi talked about his recent shenanigans and games in Spain. Iyo and Issei would sometimes chime in with a few questions, which Isagi would gladly answer to them. After they finished dinner, Isagi helped his mom pick up the dirty plates, and then went to rummage through the cabinet where the pans and other baking utensils were.

"Yo-chan, what are you looking for?" Iyo raised an eyebrow.

"I am looking for the cookie cutters and cupcake molds sis put away last time she baked. They are still here?" He looked up as his mom nodded her head.

"It is, but isn't it too late to bake? It's nearly 10."

"I want to prepare everything so sis and I can bake once she is home. You know we have been doing that for years."

Iyo smiled as she saw the cheeky grin on Isagi's face. She put away the dishes and walked over to where he was.

"Wait, I pit them far back. Let me look for them." Iyo said as the boy moved away so that his mom could look for the items.

"Do you know what you will bake this year?"

"Mhm! Sis and I have been sending recipes for some chocolate cookies back and forth." He answered, taking the baking items from his mom's hands.

"That's good to hear! I wonder when they will come... Issei, did (Y/n) call yet?"

Both Isagi and his mom looked over at the entrance of the kitchen, hearing the man's footsteps come closer to the room.

"She texted me a minute ago. Because of the storm, they had to land in Osaka. (Y/n) said her and Oliver will sleep in a hotel tonight and drive to Saitama tomorrow."

"Is sis ok? The flight wasn't too bad, was it?" Isagi asked in worry.

"No, don't worry. She told me it was just near the end when it became dangerous. (Y/n) and Oliver are fine as far as I could tell."

Isagi, along with his mom, let out a sigh of relief and they continued on with their night as normal. Isagi would from time to time text (Y/n), to check in on how she is doing.

'I hope we have the cocoa powder.'

🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️

Isagi had to admit that one of the best feelings is waking up in his bed, in his home. There was just something comforting about sleeping in after a hard week of work, and that comfort got stronger 100 times when he realized he was back in Saitama. Isagi stayed in his bed for a good 20 minutes after waking up, then got ready for the day.

'It snowed a lot last night.' Isagi mused as he looked out the window in the hallway.

"Is anyone even awake yet?" The boy froze as he heard a familiar male's voice.

"Mom and dad are still asleep, I don't know about Yoichi. He sometimes sleeps in, and sometimes he is up early."

"(Y/n) and Aiku are here already..." Isagi muttered as he quickly walked down the stairs.

"Sis! You are home already?" Isagi wondered as he walked to the living room.

"Ahh! There you are! I thought you were still asleep!" (Y/n) chuckled as Oliver waved at Isagi.

"Sup, dude! When did you come back?"

"Oh? Last night! I am happy you two made it home safe. Was the ride from Osaka good?"

Isagi wondered as he and (Y/n) hugged.

"It was ok. It snowed a lot last night, so I was a little worried we will drive for longer."

"Could have been worse." Oliver yawned, high-fiving Isagi as he let go of (Y/n).

"At least we are home. I saw you already prepared the items we can use for backing." (Y/n) looked over at Isagi, patting his head.

"Yeah, I did last night. Mom helped me find them."

"Alright then! I will go freshen up and change clothes, we can bake then. Ok?"

Isagi nodded his head.

☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄

"Alright! We have everything ready! Yoichi, you mix up the wet ingredients and I will mix up the dry ones and prepare the molds and oven." The boy nodded his head and took the items needed as (Y/n) started doing her part.

"Sure! By the way, how is it in Italy? I know we talk a lot about it, but..." Isagi trailed off as (Y/n) took out the mixer.

"It's been great. But, I do get anxious at times when I have to speak Italian. I am not all that fluent yet." She laughed a little while mixing.

"What about you? Are you enjoying your life in Spain?"

Isagi smiled and nodded his head.

"Yeah! Everyone is very nice and the older teammates are willing to help out when we need help. My Spanish is so far... ok-ish. Luna-san says I nailed the accent."

"Good to hear that! You had me worried how you will learn it. You were never all too found in languages. Remember when I tried to teach you English?" She teased the younger while mixing up the dry and wet ingredient, causing Isagi to blush in embarrassment.

"I did my best! Languages are hard!" (Y/n) laughed at his reaction, poking his cheek when she finished mixing.

"Yeah, yeah. You always had football in your head. Anyways, let's shape up the cookies, and then we can move to cupcakes and prepare to decorate them."

Pouting, Isagi nodded his head.

"Meanie~"

"Love you, too."

"Can I join the baking, too? It's kinda boring being all alone-"

"No!"

"Sorry, Oliver. It's a siblings tradition." Yoichi and (Y/n) said at the same time, causing Oliver to pout now.

"You two are so mean to me." Oliver sighed dramatically as Isagi rolled his eyes and (Y/n) laughed.

'Why did I help him even?' The younger thought, turning back to look at his sister.

"It's nice to be reunited again. I really look forward to baking with you."

(Y/n) smiled and ruffle her brother's hair.

"You are adorable! And same, it's really relaxing!"

Isagi enjoyed the winter and Christmas time. It makes him feel comfortable, knowing he was with people he loved during the holidays.

[gracefortheday]

DAILY GRACE

August 9, 2024, Friday, 7am

Verse of the Day

Filipos 2:23 ASND Sapagkat ang Dios ang siyang nagbibigay sa inyo ng pagnanais at kakayahang masunod nyo ang kalooban niya.

It's Him- in us. God made me, God placed me here, at this specific time in history. God has a plan and purpose for my life. Listen to the Holy Spirit and follow where He leads. Submit to His nudges and act on the promptings. We are no longer slaves to sin or this world. God gives us new dreams, desires, thoughts, power, and a heart of compassion instead of selfishness. Don't dismiss blessing others or encouraging others. Pay attention.

Prayer: God thank You for being faithful. Thank You for making a way for me to know You. You are enough for me, and You make me enough. Please show me how You are at work in my life. I will patiently wait on You, because I know You will finish the work You started in me. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Isaias 6:3 ASND Sinasabi nila a isa't isa: "Banal, Banal, Banal, ang Panginoong makapangyarihan! Ang kapangyarihan niya'y Sumasakop sa buong mundo."

Mateo 6:34 ASND Kaya huwag na kayong mag-alala tungkol sa kinabukasan, dahil ang bukas ay may sarili ng alalahanin. Sapat na ang mga alalahaning dumarating a bawat araw."

Prayer for: --Campus Outreach and Ministry --SAHC/BMPC --HFG gift giving on September --Brgy Bakod Bayan HCs --Prenup shoot on September --GLC Graduation on Aug 16 --Family restoration and reconciliation --Dgroup downline (flawless, elevate Dgroup, Bonita kids)

Jesus, although You were equal to Your Father, You humbled Yourself and accepted death on the cross. And You did all of that for the joy set before You- honoring Your Father and saving Your friends. Thank you for illustrating what true love looks like. Today, align my will with Yours. In Your name, Amen.

Daily Bible Reading Salmo 77-78 Roma 10

Kagalakan sa Panahon ng Kahirapan tumawag ako ng malakas sa Dios, upang ako'y pakinggan. Nananalangin ako sa Panginoon,sa gabi, di napapagod. Napapadaing,balisang-balisa, naaalala ang mga araw at taong lumipas, umaawit, nagbubulay-bulay. "Ang pinakamasakit sa aking ay ang malamang hindi na tumutulong ang Kataas-taasang Dios." Panginoon, aalalahanin ko ang inyong mga gawa. Gugunitain ko ang mga himalang ginawa nyo noon. Iba iba ang inyong mga pamamaraan. Kayo ang Dios na gumagawa ng himala. Iniligtas Ninyo ang Inyong mamamayan. Ang Patnubay ng Dios sa Kanyang mga mamamayan Pakingggan,Tuturuan a pamamagitan ng kasaysayan. Huwag natin ito ilihim, sabihin natin ito sa susunod na salinlahi. Upang magtiwala sila sa Panginoon at hindi nila makalimutan ang kanyang ginawa at susundin nila ang kanyang iniutos Pinili Niya ang lahi ni Juda at ang bundok ng Zion na kanyang minamahal. Doon Niya pinatayo ang kanyang templo, katulad ng langit at lupa na matatag magpakailanman. Pinili ng Dios si DAvid upang maging lingcod Niya. Kinuha siya mula sa pagpapastol ng tupa at ginawang hari ng Israel, ang mga mamamayang kanyang hinirang. Katulad ng isang mabuting pastol, inaalagaan niya ang mga Israelita nang may katapatan at mahusay silang pinamunuan. Ang Israel at ang magandang balita Ang aking dalangin a Dios ay ang kaligtasan ng aking kalahing Judio. Masigasig sila a paglilingkod, kaya nga lang ay hindi ayon sa katotohanan. Ito'y sa dahilang hindi nila alam kung paano itinuturing ng Dios na matuwid ang isang tao. Nagsikap silang gumawa ng sariling pamamaraan sa halip na sundin nila ang pamamaraan ng Dios. Sapagkat hindi nila alam na si Cristo ang hanganan ng Kautusan, Dahil sa kanyang ginawa, ang lahat ng sumasampalataya sa kanya ay itinuturing ng Dios na matuwid. Ang Kaligatasan ay para sa lahat Ang taong sumusunod sa kautusan ay mabubuhay nang ayon sa kautusan. "Ang Salita ng Dios ay malapit sa Iyo; nasa bibig at puso mo." Sumampalataya ng buong puso, hindi mabibigo. Ang Panginoon y Panginoon ng lahat, at pinagpapala niya nang masagana ang lahat ng tumatawag sa kanya."Napakagandang pagmasdan ang pagdating ng mga nagdadala ng magandang balita." "Natagpuan ako ng taong hindi naghahanap sa akin, Ipinakilala ko ang aking sarili sa mga hindi nagtatanong tungkol sa akin." "Matagal na akong nagaantay a isang bansang matigas ang ulo at suwail."

Humility is the Truth James 4:10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up. God is the supreme Truth, and humility is the truth --Teresa of Avila It's by prayer we anchor ourselves to reality. The only solution to a life of greed, despair, and constant conflict is to repent of our pride on exchange for God's grace.

Prayer: Loving God, thank You for the gift of life with You. Thank You that I don't need to be more than I am. Thank you that in You I find all that I need and more. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Pride gets in the way of true prayer by fooling us into thinking we know that solution and we know what's best for us. I have experienced God's freedom in humility by total surrender of my worries and anxieties to Him in prayer. Anticipating what He will do for His glory with joy and thankfulness in my heart. It's not mine, It's His purpose. So whatever it might be, I'll Praise Him!!! In Jesus' name!

Boundaries allow us to say yes to what matters Values, Mission, Calling, Priorities No- is to serve a bigger purpose.

Luke 10:38-42- "You are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

set the boundary of no so a bigger yes could unfold.

John 11 Jesus stayed for 2 more days before going to Lazarus. because Jesus waited, He performed the miracle of raising Lazarus from the dead.

Say no with love. it's a conduit for God's purpose to enter the world.

LOVE IN ACTION Hebrews 13:16 Do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.

wellness check encourages. free to give, priceless to receive "continually offer a sacrifice of praise-the fruit of the lips that openly profess his name" Hebrew 13:15 We are commissioned by God. Worshiping Jesus isa a pleasure and privilege. We express true love for God when we love like Jesus. Ask the Holy Spirit to make us aware of the opportunities and empower us to love others well within our own families and beyond. through those ministry moments, we will be sharing through the powerful message of love in action. Pray.Care.Share. Forgive in advance.

Prayer: Dear Jesus, please help me worship You by expressing love for others through the things I say and do each day. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

[skeksismars]

Ho postato 3.240 volte nel 2022

Sono 1.914 post in più del 2021!

139 post creati (4%)

3.101 post rebloggati (96%)

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Ho taggato 699 dei miei post nel 2022

#homestuck - 62 post

#the dark crystal - 55 post

#dracula daily - 30 post

#the dark crystal age of resistance - 29 post

#equius zahhak - 23 post

#skeksis - 21 post

#nepeta leijon - 16 post

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#mars'art - 13 post

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#i loooove the fashion in kemono jihen but shiki's sister dresses...in a weird manner and kabane is 50% of the time naked and iyo's mother

I miei post migliori nel 2022:

#5

I saw this prompt on @corvinearcher 's blog and I thought I'd try it!

Sorry for poor quality, I was in a rush :p

85 note - Postate 24 settembre 2022

#4

“I sometimes stumble, during my daily tours of the Castle, on the Scientist, murmuring within himself of a new project or a way to impress our wise Emperor. Oftentimes I’m not the only one listening in, as the Chamberlain is always close by, as rats often do, ready to take advantage of any useful information the Scientist might procure him. If I was any bit like my friend the Catacombs Keeper I would reprimand that rat, but I lack the will and the political power to do so. SkekNyx takes care of it anyway, she’s very protective over her associates.”

-SkekPik the Court Painter

116 note - Postate 15 luglio 2022

#3

To all of you who said "Van Helsing was so stupid to not have said anything to the others, everything that happened to Lucy was his fault for not telling the others about vampires". Here you have it. Now apologize

124 note - Postate 28 settembre 2022

#2

Netflix's The Sandman, more like Who Will The Corinthian Have Gay Sex With Next

411 note - Postate 5 agosto 2022

Il mio post numero 1 del 2022

"I do tend to regard myself as a feminist writer"

Burn in hell you piece of shit 🤪

462 note - Postate 19 agosto 2022

Guarda ora l'Analisi del tuo anno 2022 di Tumblr →

[honoredsage]

101 Days of Quarantine

EDIT: Upon checking, Day 98 pa lang talaga to ng quarantine hahahaha

Day 101 ng quarantine.

Sa mga sandali na tinatype ko ‘to, mayroong nang naitalang 30,052 na kaso ng COVID-19 sa Pilipinas, kung saan 653 (415 ang “fresh”, 238 ang “late”) ang mga bagong naitalang kaso. 1,169 na ang mga namatay at 7,893 ang mga gumaling.

Gaya ng sinabi ko sa Part 12 ng Quarantine series, kung aabutin ng 100 araw ang quarantine ay magsusulat ako ng isang espesyal na post sa kung anong mga personal na pinagdaanan at pinagdadaanan ko sa loob ng mga nagdaang araw. Mahaba-habang inuman usapan to.

At bilang paunang bati, ay gagamitin ko ang mga liriko galing sa kanta ng Crywank na pinamagatang “Cringey Wincer”.

“Inviting you to witness what I will cringe at in the future.”

Akma ang linyang ito dahil puno ng “cringe”, pagka-isip bata, at walang kabuluhan na mga bagay ang isusulat ko rito. Pero kailangan ko rin ito dahil nami-miss na ng blog na ito ang mga kadramahan ko sa buhay at para rin mabawasan ang dinadala ng mga saloobin ko kahit papaano.

Unahin na natin ang dahilan kung bakit ko ba nadiskubre ang bandang Crywank at ang mga kanta nila. Ang dahilan ay hanggang ngayon ay isa pa rin akong hopeless romantic. Mas matindi pala ang dating kapag isinalin mo sa Tagalog, “Walang pag-asang romantiko”. Sabi nga ng kaibigan ko habang nag-uusap kami sa Messenger noong isang araw, “Jusko ambabs ng self-esteem mo ngayon amp”. Totoo naman.

Mga ilang buwan bago pa man mag-quarantine, nagkakagusto na ako sa isang malapit ko ng kaibigan na kasama ko rin sa trabaho. Pero ayaw kong aminin sa sarili ko. (Kung mababasa mo to, pagbati sa iyo!) Sa tingin ang pinaka-dahilan nito ay bukod sa ayaw ko rin naman masira ang pagkakaibigan namin, palagay ko malaki ang posibilidad na hindi rin naman kami ang magkakatuluyan sa dulo. Babalikan ko to mamaya.

Araw ng mga Puso naman, umamin ako run sa isa ko pang kaibigan. Sa tingin ko naman hindi masamang magkaroon ng higit sa isang crush lalo (hindi ko alam kung bakit pero medyo nagci-cringe na ako sa salitang crush, pero walang direktang Tagalog na salin kaya pagpasenyahan nyo na). Noong nag-uusap naman kami, sya lang ang sinusuyo ko kasi hindi ko kaya at labag sa kalooban kung gagawin ko pa yun sa iba. Medyo nawala o hindi ko na rin lang pinansin kung ano mang nararamdaman ko dun sa malapit kong kaibigan.

Isinulat ko na rin dito ang nangyari sa sinuyo kong dilag, pero “na-friendzone” ang lolo nyo. Isang hampas sa kakarampot at binubuo ko pang lakas ng loob at tiwala sa sarili.

Unti-unting bumalik ang mga nararamdaman ko sa malapit kong kaibigan, malamang dahil na rin sa lagi naman kaming nagkikita at nag-uusap. Nang-aasar ako minsan at di nya naman pinapansin, at sa totoo lang, medyo nasanay at natatawa na lang ako kapag walang pinatutunguhan panglalandi ko sa kanya (isa pang naki-cringe ako dyan, sa salitang panglalandi). Sa totoo lang, di ko lang talaga alam kung pansin nya na nilalandi ko sya o hindi, basta ang puno’t dulo, walang nangyayari.

Pumasok sa eksena ang COVID-19 at quarantine. Sa loob ng 101 na araw na hanggang ngayon ay di pa rin tapos, naputol lahat ng interaksyon ko sa mga tao sa labas. Hindi ko na nakikita, hindi lang sya, kundi mga iba ko pang katrabaho at mga iba ko pang kaibigan. Bilang ang daming oras na mag-isa ako at nag-iisip, pinadama sa akin ng quarantine na gusto kong may magmahal sa akin. Romantikong pagmamahal. Napaisip ako kung bakit, at hanggang ngayon wala pa akong konkretong sagot. Dahil ba ng edad ko? Dahil ba pakiramdam ko lang mag-isa ako? Hindi ko sigurado. Ang hirap kasi alam kong di ko naman kailangan, pero gusto ko.

At kahit anong pigil ko, mero’t meron sa loob ko na gusto kong makuha ang pagmamahal o kahit man lang atensyon na yun dito sa malapit kong kaibigan. Kahit na, gaya nga ng nasabi ko kanina, kung titingnan ko ang mga personalidad at paniniwala namin sa buhay, malamang maghihiwalay din naman kami. Pero hindi ko maitatanggi na sa kaloob-looban ko, mayroong parte na nananaig na gusto kong subukan. Subukan namin. Ngunit mukhang wala sa pag-iisip nya na subukan yun kasama ako. Doon ako nasasaktan. Nakakainis kasi wala naman akong karapatan masaktan. Wala akong karapatan na magreklamo. Hindi naman ako umaamin sa kanya. Dapat lang na kaibigan lang ang turing nya sa akin. Andun nga lang ako sa sitwasyon na natatakot na rin akong masira pagkakaibigan namin dahil kahit may nararamdaman ako sa kanya, una’t una ko rin naman syang naging kaibigan. Pero nasasaktan pa rin ako. Gaya lang netong isang araw, at hindi ito ang unang pagkakataon ngayong quarantine na nasaktan ako dahil lang sa kung anong nabasa ko sa social media. Sabi nga sa lyrics ng “ It’s Ok, I Wouldn’t Remember Me Either” na syempre kinanta rin ng Crywank:

“Compulsively complaining when I haven’t got the right

I hate the way I think and act.”

(At kailangan kong ipasok ang lyrics na ito kasi bigla kong nahanap habang sinusulat ko ito. Galing sa kanta ng Crywank na “You Couldn’t Teach Me Integrity”)

“Get over yourself, I say under my breath

When I get annoyed by the thoughts in my head

I don't deserve to say I'm sad, I don't know what sadness is

I'm nothing more than complaints from a dumb spoilt kid”

Sa totoo lang naman, hindi lang naman sya ang kaya kong magustuhan ngayon, at nakikita ko rin naman ang sarili ko na magkagusto sa iba sa madaling panahon. Siguro wala lang akong ngayong tiwala sa sarili at lakas para gawin yun. At isa pa, iba pa rin ang hatak sa akin ng mga taong nakilala ko na, kasi nakita mo na, o kahit parte man lang, ng totoong sila.

Hindi ko alam kung anong mangyayari sa’min sa hinaharap pero hiling at dasal ko na maayos din ang lahat sa huli.

Ang sarap sa pakiramdam na maisulat yun. Para bang naging salamin tong puting espasyo na puno ng letra at nakaharap ako sa kung ano mang nilalaman ko sa dibdib ko. Nakatulong nga.

Isa pang hatid ng quarantine na ito sa akin ay kailangan kong maghanap ng paraan para pumatay ng oras, at hindi ako masaya kung paano ko ito ginagawa. Medyo sinukuan ko nang tumulog sa parehong oras noong wala pang-quarantine kaya may oras nang kinakain agad ang pagtulog ko: pagkatapos kumain ng agahan, at minsan pa ay bago pa kumain ng hapunan.

May trabaho naman din ako sa bahay, dahil naka ‘work-from-home’ ang setup namin, at inaamin kong nanggagaling ako sa posisyon ng pribilehiyo, pero medyo madali lang kasi pinapagawa sa amin ngayon kaya hindi ko rin kailangan ng ganoong kahabang oras para tapusin ang mga ito.

Kaya nauubos ang oras ko sa kakabasa ng Reddit, panunuod ng kung anu-anong videos sa Youtube, kaka-scroll sa Twitter at Instagram, at ang pinahuli at pinaka-ayaw ko, ang manuod ng mga random movie at anime clips sa Facebook. Pinaka-ayaw ko yung huli kasi ang tito lang sa pakiramdam.

Sabi nga ng kantang “Hikikomori” ng Crywank:

“I want to be academic, confident and romantic,

But I just feel weird and overdramatic.

Daily reminders that I am pathetic.“

Gusto kong may gawing kapaki-pakinabang ngayong quarantine, lalo na at may oras naman ako. Pero wala. Wala akong maisip kung ano bang gusto kong gawin. At sa mga panahong bigla akong nagkakaroon ng gusto kong gawin, nawawalan ako ng interes agad-agad ko hindi ko lang mahanap ang lakas para magsimula. Hindi rin nakakatulong na ang isa sa pangunahing pinanggagalingan ko ng libangan at kasiyahan ay itinigil muna ngayon, ang NBA. Kaya ang hirap din maging mapanabik sa mga susunod na araw kasi wala naman akong dahilan upang manabik at maging masaya. Hindi pa rin showing ang Attack on Titan. Sa 2021 pa ang remake ng Shaman King. Naruto Blazing na lang ang inaabangan kong gagawin para maaliw ako, at hindi rin naman laging may nangyayari doon.

Nais ko ring ihayag ang lungkot at galit na nararamdaman ko ngayong quarantine sa mga nangyayari, di lamang dito sa Pilipinas, ngunit sa buong mundo. Nakakadismayang isipin na meron na ngang pinoproblema sa kumakalat na sakit, mas nagiging sakit pa sa lipunan ang pabayang gobyerno.

Bilang panghuli, sana kagaya ng nangyaring solar eclipse ngayon, kung saan pansamantalang tinakpan ng buwan ang araw at nagkaroon ng kadiliman, ang mga kalungkutan at problemang ito ay pansamantala rin lang. At sa huli, mananaig pa rin ang sinag ng araw. Sa huli, ang pag-asa ng bukas at kasiyahan ng buhay pa rin ang magliliwanag.

[jeuzwrld]

Ang problema nung mga anon na pumuna sa iyo is that hindi ka nila naiintindihan. You did not choose to be that way! Anong akala nila hindi struggle sa mga tulad natin ang ipakita sa mga tao na okay tayo kahit hindi? Kaya walang nagsasabi in real life na may depression sila dahil sa mga ganyang klaseng tao! Self pity, seeking attention etc you don't know the mental torture that we go through everyday to fight our demons!

Yeah tama to at sino ba naman ang nagpakita ng tunay na nararamdaman sa mga tao sa life? Kung siguro magpapakatotoo lang ako sa sarili ko baka di ko na maperform yung nga daily responsibility ko kung nagkataon. Baka nakahiga lang ako sa kama, lock yung kwarto, depende kung di kakain o sobrang kain, umiinom ng alak o walang iniinom, nakatulala sa kisame, hawak ang dibdib namimilipit sa sakit, sakit na di na alam ang pinagmumulan, kung magpapakatotoo lang baka ganyan nangyari imbes nagwowork. Baka kung totoong ilabas ang nararamdaman ng boom!!! Baka kahit saan umiiyak ako, yung tipong patakbo-takbo o lakad sa kung saan luhaan, dahil di na maipaliwanag ang sakit, parang baliw? Kahit minsan nagkakaganon ako like di ko mapigilan, may time na may iniyakan akong kaibigan dito sa tumblr, like shes my good friend but she choose leave me for her personal reasons, bumalik pa yung mga thoughts and feelings na iniiwanan ako, jusko naglakad ako nun pa megamall kasi kakain ako ng dinner, no one is there for me, di na rin ako pala open na tao like yung madami kachat dito sa tumblr or mga people outside tumblr. Then yun na nga (kaibigan anon) isa yun sa pinakamasakit na lakad ko pa megamall, dumadaloy yung luha ko di ko mapigilan, nakalimutan ko magdala ng panyo that time, hinayaan ko lang lumuha ng lumuha, kitang kita ko na pinagtitinginan ako, medyo hirap ako huminga nun, and nung pagkalampas ko sa checking ng guard sa supermarket medyo nagising ako kasi lahat ng nakakasalubong ko nakatingin sakin, pag check ko sa cam ng phone, dami ko luha sa muka umiyak na pala ako, pula yung mata ko kaya pinunasan ko. Habang naglalakad ako pa mega A sa megamall pinapakalma ko yung sarili ko, balot na balot ako ng sakit that time,

sinasabi ko sa sarili ko na

"ayos lang yan jeuz, lahat aalis walang mag stay sayo, akam mo yan, maparelationship o friendship, wala, sanay kana diba? Ngayon ka pa ba iiyak at masasaktan? Sanay ka masaktan, ganyan ka lang kasi, di ka pipiliin ng kahit na sino, masama ka at di mo deserve yung mga taong iyon kaya ka nila itinatapon palagi."

At kumalma ako... Sorry kaibigan anon kung may mga pinagdadaanan ka kayanin mo rin ha? Siguro somehow tama rin ang ibang anon about sakin, pero sa totoo lang eto lang rin ang labasan ko ng nga shit ko mapa old man or atm shits. Hirap ako mag open sa tao kasi everytime na ioopen ko yung sarili ko SA UMPISA LANG MAY PAKE, NAGSASAWA RIN SILA, SA HULI AKO YUNG LALAYUAN DAHIL ISA AKONG LASON. Kaya ang hirap hirap pati may mga problema na never mo masasabi sa pamilya mo o sa ibang mga tao kasi hinding-hindi ka nila maiintindihan matic na yun, kasi maraming beses tayong sumubok pa konti-konti at di nila tayo na gets. In my situation napagod na ako to open up to people kaya tumblr lang, kaya sorry if ang negative na ng blog ko for ilang years.

[23meraki]

Restless (A “GOYO: Ang Batang Heneral” one-shot)

They said that his soul was finally at peace; the very reason that the only thing that everyone who've hiked Tirad Pass as tourists had felt was the futility of the action. But, what if, his soul remained wandering? Just waiting for the right person to help him moved on and finally rest in peace?

The entirety of this trip was actually her friend’s idea. Her best friend told her that if she wanted to be away from the city life and the stress of being the heiress to their family business for a few days, then she better come with her on her small hometown in Ilocos Sur, just on the other side of the tourist destination of Mountain Province. And she was somehow glad that she came with her for the tranquility and peace; but for her last trip today, she didn’t expect that she’ll wake up early to take a walk outside. After all, the past two days had been stressful with all the treking and added history.

It was indeed different. The province life somehow hit her quite hard. Dagupan was already a bustling city in comparison to this. But her childhood mirrored a province as peaceful as this, before she finished College and was brought to the reality of their family business’s hub at Manila. Or perhaps, she’d been walking around a bit than intended in a place that she was unfamiliar, making her realize that there was an aching peacefulness in the air. After all, she’d succeeded in asking her father not to assign bodyguards for her. If she did, she’ll not enjoy these things at all.

She took a moment to take in her surroundings, and sure enough, she was already hiking up the mountain once again. The same spot she did a few days ago. A beautiful but lonely one. The air it carried from the upslope has a cold sensual tranquility, as if holding a history far darker than the tall weeds sprouting from the ground.

No one was around. The lack of people made the silence even more apparent against where she stood now. And everything was peaceful and a little bit wistful.

She sighed heavily, just on time for a flash of white to catch her gaze. She blinked once and turned to look on at the trail up ahead her once again. What really got her attention, however, was the man standing right ahead of her. He was wearing a khaki uniform that almost blended too well with the weeds, but it was his rumpled dark hair that really made him stand out and the gold medals he has.

Weird, she thought. Nandito ba siya all this time?

She was still staring at him when he turned. His eyes widened the moment that their eyes met one another, and it took everything in her not to look away from him. She froze in place at the intensity of his stare. After all, it was the first time she’d seen someone’s eyes to bright as gold as that of his.

“Ikaw,” he said, his voice deep and commanding. “Nakaikita mo ako?”

“Uhm, oo?”

His mere presence was intimading but there was a gentleness on how few his words were. He looked relieved as he spoked again, “Ah, m-mabuti. Sa wakas...”

Or perhaps, something made her stay than to run away screaming when she finally noticed the blood on his cheek and neck. It was a horrible wound that in a red hue, she could actually swore that she could see his teeth and the inside of his mouth. But instead of screaming, she reached out to him in an attempt to hold him. “T-Teka... na paano ka? ‘Di lang ‘yan basta-bastang—”

But when she did, she could only blanch. Her hand went right through his arm as if he were an apparition. She saw her fingers stick out of his sleeve, and she pulled her hand back as quickly as she could. Only now that she scrambled to get away from the man—or whatever the hell he was.

“T-Teka lang! ‘Wag kang tumakbo, ‘di pa ako tapos!” the man—thing—yelled at her.

She was already running back to where she came from, down the startup of the trek, but in a flash of almost inhuman speed, he was standing in front of her again, arms outstretched. She was shaking in fear, wondering how he had done that.

Realizing that what made her truly ran was the horrible mess of his wound, he turned away that only the good part of his face would be visible to her. He looked sad and desperate when he mumbled, “‘Wag kang tumakbo palayo sa akin. Nagmamakaawa ako. ‘Wag kang matakot. Hindi naman kita sasaktan.”

Any sane person would bolt it right about now. But, she couldn’t. She wasn’t sure if it was due to her fear, or it was something else, that made her remain on her spot. Perhaps, because it was her first time to have an encounter with this... kind.

The man finally relaxed and sighed heavily, keeping the half view of his face away from her. “Sa tingin ko ay kailangan kong magpaliwanag sa iyo, binibini.”

“Tungkol saan?”

“Lahat ng ito.” He pointed at the broken side of his face. “At maging tungkol dito.”

She flinched back when he tried to reach for her, only to have his hand went through her shoulder. She frowned, asking, “A-Ano... ano ka ba?”

“Patay na ako.”

“Excuse me?”

He raised an eyebrow at her, unsure of her words but he repeated himself. “Patay na ako. Buhay ako dati, pero... mukhang nakatali pa rin ako rito. Pagala-gala. Walang maalala kung sino ako, o paano ako napapunta rito.”

She rubbed her eyes, wishing that all of this was just a dream. But the ghost remained right in front of her. She resigned to this one, sighing. “Wala ka talagang maalala?”

“Wala. Ang alam ko lang ay matagal na akong patay.” He pressed a hand onto his wound, though as gently as if he couldn’t accept that it was present, and added, “Dahil dito. Walang duda na dahil dito.”

“Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko para makatulong sa iyo...”

“Ikaw ang unang tao—ang nag-iisang tao—na nakagawang makita ako. Ginawa ko na ang lahat ng paraan para mapansin ako ng mga taong napaparito pero walang nangyari. Walang nakakakita sa akin. Walang nakakarinig. Maliban sa iyo.”

Lord naman, she wondered. Bakit ako pa?

“Gaano katagal... ka nang ganito?” she asked instead.

He closed his eyes for a moment. “Matagal-tagal na rin. Ang hirap alalahanin ng mga panahon. Siguro ay mga higit isang daang taon na rin.”

She was still trying to come to terms with the fact that she was either speaking with an actual ghost, or she really was slowly going insane from overwork. But he didn’t look like he was lying at all. If anything, he looked genuinely desolate. Something in that expression made her heart stir with pity... and longing?

“Sa palagay ko ay di ako matahimik dahil sa mga bagay na nakalimutan ko.” He raked a hand through his hair with one hand, all the while keeping his other onto the horrible mess of his cheek. “Kaya kailangan ko ang tulong mo para maalala ko kung ano man iyon.”

She bit her lower lip. She almost laughed at the proposition that she was to help a wandering spirit of a hundred years for something as silly as that. But then, she couldn’t say no at all. Something inside her wouldn’t let her to. “Look, kahit gusto ko man na tulungan ka, di ko alam kung anong magagawa ko para makatulong,” she said. “I’m sorry, pero sa tingin ko, di kita matutulungan.”

Immediately, the man’s face fell at her rejection, and she suddenly feel guilty of her words.

“...Totoo. Wala nga akong maibibigay na kabayaran, pero...” He lifted his face to look at her again. He looked to be at the end of his wits, begging. “Ikaw lang ang maaring makatulong sa akin ngayon. Kahit ikaw lang—pakiusap... ‘wag kang umalis.”

Sana na nga lang ay hindi ko pagsisihan ito sa huli, she thought as she finally nodded at him. “...Kahit papaano, naalala mo ba kung ano ang pangalan mo?”

He shook his head. “Hindi. Wala talaga akong maalala. Ang alam ko ay iba na ako ngayon kumpara noon.”

“Hmm... kailangan nating bigyan ka ng isang pangalan. Hindi naman kita pwedeng patuloy na tawagin na ‘uy’.”

His eyes perked up, hopeful in a flash. He moved closer to her, and she didn’t flinch back this time. “Talaga bang tutulungan mo ako?”

She gave him a rueful smile. “Hindi naman kita magagawang palayasin, ‘di ba?” Maybe she’s really insane right now, but she couldn’t think of him as ‘otherworldly’ when he looked so ‘human’. Lost, tired, and painfully human.

“...Goyo,” he said, breaking her reverie.

“Sorry?”

“Pwede mo akong tawagin sa pangalan na iyon habang wala pa akong maalala. Nakita ko na naka-ukit ang pangalan na iyon dito. Hiramin ko na lang pangsamantala.”

She thought it was funny that he had the audacity to borrow another person’s name, but, for some reasons, she knew that the name suited him more than it did anyone else. She tested his chosen name, making the name tumble every now and then inside her head.

Goyo.

The car ride back home was a little awkward. Her best friend was leaning against the window; meanwhile, the ghost—Goyo, she reminded herself—remained seated on the passenger seat, unsure of how to act in a moving and close vehicle as this. She was still getting used to the fact that only she could see him, so seeing his form phase in and out was still pretty bizarre.

However, the strangest thing of all was his idea of tagging along with her all the way back home.

“Kailangan kong manatili sa tabi mo kung talagang gusto nating makakita ng progreso,” he told her.

“B-Bakit? ‘Di ba pwede na magkita tayo once a week or something?”

“Hindi maari. Kung talagang babalik sa akin lahat ng alaala ko, kailangan kong manatili sa tabi mo. Sasayangin ko lang ang oras ko ng walang ginagawa rito at hintayin kang bumalik.”

“Totoo iyon, pero... alam mo na may buhay rin ako. May trabaho. ‘Di ko maaring ibale-wala lang iyon para dito.” Actually, she could. Her father was still the one who managed the company, but she hated the idea that she was simply the heiress to such a prestige company name.

“Kung ganoon ay magkaroon tayo ng kompromiso. Sasama ako sa iyo hanggang bumalik ang mga alaala ko.”

“Ano?”

“Iyon lang ang natatanging paraan para mapadali ito.”

She knew that it was pretty demanding, but the guy had a point. She just wished that his conditions will not force her to sacrifice her daily living, at least. She sighed heavily, conceding, “Sige. Fine! Pero may dalawa akong kondisyon.”

“Ano iyon?” His look was challenging, almost smug even. He looked thrilled, somehow.

“Una, ‘wag mo ako kausapin kapag nasa publiko tayong lugar. Magmumukha akong baliw kapag nakita nila na kinakausap ko ang sarili ko.”

“Naiintindihan ko. Yung pangalawa?”

“Kailangan ko rin ng... privacy.”

He frowned. “Ano?”

“Uhm... tipong oras para sa sarili ko? Kaya ‘wag ka bigla-biglang magpapakita sa akin ng walang anunsyo. Lalo na kapag ako ay nasa kwarto ko.”

It took a few seconds before he realized what she actually meant and he nodded. “Naiintindihan ko.”

After dropping off her reasonably exhausted best friend back at her place, she trudged back on her own. Goyo still floating beside her. It was stil somewhat jarring to picture a floating man next to her, but she supposed weird things happened to everyone at point. And this was hers.

“Kakaiba na ang inyong mga sinasakyan ngayon,” he spoke, breaking the silence. “Akala ko’y mga tren lang ang mayroon.”

“Madami nang nagbago sa nakalipas na higit isang daang taon, you know? Kung dati ba’y puro kalesa at kabayo, well... mayroon pa rin naman pero ‘di na iyon yung main mode of transportation.” It was almost like speaking to an old man—a dead, strangely attactive, and young-looking man.

They finally reached her apartment at the penthouse of a known residential building, and before she could even unlock the door with her key, Goyo phased through her front door like he owned the place.

“Hoy! Hindi ka pwedeng basta-basta lang pumasok sa bahay ng may bahay!” she yelled at him, but Goyo didn’t seem to care.

“Bahay ito? Isang malaking kwarto lamang naman ito.” Goyo hovered around, noting the placement of the appliances and picture frames lining the table. He was pretty inquisitive for a ghost.

“Ordinaryo na ganito lang ang laki ng isang apartment or condo.” This is actually not; perhaps for her who’ve grown from riches. “Siguro tumira ka sa isang mansyon para magkaroon ng ganyang kaisipan,” she explained to him, not saying that she understands what he meant. This place of hers right now in the city may be the most expensive and the best there is, but this is still nothing compared to her family’s home back in Dagupan.

She then spent the next few minutes trying to get all her things in order, trying not to be bothered by her ghostly companion asking an onslaught of questions about her TV, laptop, toaster, and others. “Goyo, maghunustili ka muna. Look, alam ko na sinabi ko na tutulungan kitang maibalik ang memorya mo, pero di ba pwedeng magpahinga muna ngayon? ‘Di ba ito makakapaghintay bukas?”

He didn’t look pleased but he conceded anyway. “Wala naman akong magagawa kung bukas tayo magsisimula. ‘Wag mong kalimutan ang pangako mo.”

She made her way to her room and drew an invisible line to stop him from following her inside. “Naalala mo? Oras ko?”

He smiled with confidence. If it weren’t for that ugly mess of his cheek, she would say that he was absolutely handsome. “Natatakot ka ba na may makita ako na di ko magugustuhan?”

She rolled her eyes before closing the door and plopping down on the bed.

The whole day was probably just a dream—an odd dream that felt achingly familiar even in its utter strangeness.

She woke up the next day, groggy and mildly disoriented from the night before. Half of her was expecting the ghost outside her door to just be a product of her overworked mind and obssession with TV dramas. But when she opened her door, she was met with the sight of Goyo lounging on her living room floor, stretching around like a cat who owned the place. Not a dream, indeed.

“Tanghali na,” he said. “Ang tagal ko naghintay para magising ka.”

“Masisisi mo ba ako? Ang makakita ng multo ay hindi parte ng daily schedule ko.” She sighed. “Anyway, alam ko na sinabi ko na tutulong ako pero wala talaga akong alam kung paano ako makakatulong.”

Goyo scratched his head, learning the habit of keeping only his good profile for her to see while keeping the other way from her view. “Pinipilit ko rin alalahanin, pero wala talaga akong maalala. Iniisip ko na ang prisensya mo ay makakatulong.”

She pulled up a notepad and a pen, and began to write down all she knew about Goyo. All the way from being more than a hundred-year-old spirit, to a death by an exploded cheek. Not a very good start, but it was something than nothing.

“Ano ‘yang sinusulat mo?” He flaoted over to peek at her notes.

“Kung ano ang nalalaman natin as of now,” she answered. “May naalala ka ba tungkol kagabi?”

“Hmm... sa totoo lang, nagmasid-masid ako sa labas kanina noong tulog ka pa. Masyadong... kakaiba ang lugar.”

“Gaano kakaiba?”

Goyo began to detail how he’d never seen such gigantic structures side-by-side. According to him, everything was fast, metal, gigantic and loud—not to mention the sheer amount of people walking around the area.

“May nakita ka ba na pamilyar? Isang lugar o bagay?”

“Wala. Sa tingin ko, yung lugar kung saan ako nagmula ay ibang-iba dito. Konting tao at madaming palayan. May ilog na dumadaloy malapit sa bundok patungong laot. Mga kabayo.” He closed his eyes to think. “Mga espada at mga baril at mga kanyon.”

She jotted down more notes. Walang ideya sa modern tech. 100 years or more ago. Revolutionary era? She bit her lower lip for a second. Horses, fields, swords, guns and cannons. Haciendero? Ilustrado? Sundalo?

“Goyo, naalala mo ba kung paano gumamit ng baril?” she inquired.

“Anong ibig mong sabihin?”

“Sabi mo, may mga espada, baril at kanyon noong panahon mo? Maybe, gumamit ka ng isa sa mga iyon dati? Parang ganito ba?” She tried to replicate what she’d seen from the old revolutionary movies. She tried to handle an imaginary rifle and pointed it at an invisible target. Her attempt must be clumsy, if Goyo’s unamused expression was an indication.

“Mali ang pamamaraan mo,” Goyo criticized, his brows furrowing. “Dapat ay sinisigurado mong makakayanan mo yung pag-putok ng bala sa hawak mong baril. Parang ganito.” He stood up and gave her a demonstration. He drew his imaginary rifle and masterfully executed how like some sniper does. The way he did it looked so natural, graceful even, like he’d been doing it his whole life. Maybe it wasn’t a bit of a stretch to assume that he was a soldier.

“Tignan mo nga naman.” She smiled at him. “Naalala mo ang isa sa mga pinakamahahalagang parte.”

His eyes widened in realization. “Tangina, oo nga!”

Since then, he repeated his actions as he imagined then that there was an enemy right ahead to shoot at. She then wondered if he was skilled enough to be a marksman, he’ll certainly be part of the ranks, for he certainly looked the part. Bloodstained ghost he was, she could still see that he was absolutely toned and good looking.

“Libreng-libre lang naman talaga tumitig sa akin,” he teased, smirking at her.

She had to clear her throat to hide her blush. Looking away, she said, “Uhm... anyway, sa tingin ko ay may progress tayong na-achieved today. May trabaho pa rin ako bukas, so titignan ko kung anong magagawa ko pagkatapos.”

Her best friend noticed that she wasn’t getting enough rest. True, for she had stayed up all night googling the entire history of the Philippine revolution to see if it might help Goyo somewhat. He was insistent that she showed him every single picture she could find—hence the sheer number of tabs she had opened last night. Fortunately, for them, he was able to remember some things, albeit little by little. She didn’t reveal too much, even if she was accused of having a boyfriend among all things; and the first thing she remembered was the ghost’s face. But the ghost in her apartment would be her secret and no one else’s.

Goyo had taken a strange obsession with the television—the evening news and action dramas, to be specific—so tonight was one of the nights she flipped through the channels for him.

“...Ayon sa mga pulis, kahit tanghaling tapat ay nagawa pa ring gawin ang krimen,” the newscaster announced, blurred photos of the victim flashing on the screen. “Maaring isang hitman ang may kagagawan, pero sinasabi ng pamilya na wala naman silang alam na—.”

“Lagi na lang may kasamang ganyan ang mga balita,” she spatted. “Bakit mahilig kang manuod ng ganito, Goyo? Lahat ng bagay sa evening news ay nakaka-depressed or nakaka-disappoint lamang.”

She expected a snarky reply from him, but was met with nothing. When she turned to face him, his eyes were glued to the screen, completely focused on the blurred picture of the deceased.

“Goyo?”

He was still catatonic. Her words practically bounced off his ears as he kept watching the news.

“Hoy, ayos ka lang—”

“Mag-tatanghaling tapat din iyon,” he spoke, as if in a trance.

“May naalala ka?” Her tone grew frantic. The news must have triggered another memory, though this time, she knew that it wasn’t a pleasant one.

“Tahimik na parang walang umaasang mangyayari iyon. At pagod na pagod na ako. Tapos umalingawngaw ang putok ng baril. At... at iyon na,” he said.

Noon, and a gunfire. If she was right, then Goyo must have died with those parameters. It would explain that the bullet hit his cheek, causing that disfigurement. She imagined all the gruesome thoughts his death entailed. How cruelt it must’ve been, to perish that way.

His eyes were glazing over in muted recollection, and she was almost tempted to hug him were she able to. Instead, she settled for stroking his back—or at least, trying to. Her hand went through his ghostly form, but she still continued. The light returned to his eyes when he noticed that she was attempting to comfort him.

“Pasensya na,” she told him.

“Para saan? Wala ka namang ginawang mali.”

“Iyon na nga. Pasensya na wala akong magawa kundi ito lang,” she added, continuing to stroke his outline in a gesture of comfort.

He looked wary at first, but his expression then melted into resignation. Both of them sat together like that in silence, the atmosphere too heavy for any of their usual talk.

After that day, it was as if Goyo withdrew into his own shell.

He’d gotten a lot quieter as of late, either opting to wander around the city or silently stare holes into her apartment. Hed also stopped pestering her about getting his memories back. It felt unsettling seeing him so pensive when he was normally so pushy all the time. She almost missed their little spats together.

A part of her knew she would be happy at him regaining a good number of his important memories back, but the weary look on his face convinced her otherwise. The news must have brought back something he didn’t want to remember.

On some days, he’d come back home from exploring, and she would give up altogether on asking him if he recovered some of his memories. His exhausted expression said it all—he looked like he had just returned from a war.

However, if she had to pinpoint what unnerved her the most, it was when he watched her eat one time.

“Naiilang ka ba na may nakatingin sa iyo kapag kumakain ka?”

“Well, ‘di lang ako sanay,” she answered.

“Dati, may tinignan din akong kumain sa pangarap lamang na masilayan ang kanyang mga mata,” he remarked. “Sadyang nakakabighani siya. At kakaibang-kakaiba siya sa lahat.” The fondness in his voice from when he spoke before returned in full force. But for some reasons, there was that longing at the end.

“Talaga bang bolero ka, o talagang magaling ka sa iyong mga salita?” she said; but when she saw a painfully wistful smile tracing his lips, she wished that she didn’t bring up the question at all.

One morning, she caught her own reflection in the mirror as she brushed down her hair.

“Talaga bang walang pag-asa?” she said, bitterly gazing at a loose strand of her hair just by the back of her ear that curled a little when the rest of her hair was smoothened down until the small of her back.

She had asked her mother about it one day, about the reason why that respective part of her hair never lengthened, and all her mother could tell her was that it had always been like that. She always thought of it as some hair that with a good cut would allow it to lengthen another time; but it didn’t. Not to mention as well how come it was naturally flecked as grayish white against her natural dark brown hair, that whenever she had it colored, few weeks later and the color fades. She then considered it to be some mark.

Either way, it still eluded her. But, of course, no one had to see it or even know about it—this was her little secret to keep. The very reason why she always pin that respective lock of hair to blend too well with the rest of her hair.

“Kung di mo naririnig, pero kanina pa katok ng katok yung lalaking nakaitim sa labas. Sabi niya na kailangan niyo na daw umalis.” Goyo’s head popped through the wall, not even bothering to look ashamed at his intrusion.

“Hoy! Sabi ko di ba ‘wag ka basta-bastang papasok dito? At bodyguard and driver ko iyon, okay?” She quickly scrambled her hair to hide that weird hair strand of hers, but it was too late. His eyes didn’t miss that odd one.

“Bakit ganyan yung buhok mo na iyon?” he asked with a voice more solemn than she’d ever heard it.

“Yung ano?”

“Yung maiksi na puting buhok sa may tenga. Bakit may ganoon ka?”

“Pinanganak ako na ganoon. Wala rin akong ideya kung bakit ganoon, o ano mang kondisyon iyon. Ganoon na daw talaga since—” She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw him.

Goyo was crying.

She didn’t even know it was possible for ghosts to shed any tears at all. Yet, here he was. His expression utterly heartbroken and miserable. His usual haughtiness was gone, and for the first time, he truly looked like what he was—a lonely, broken spirit burdened with grief that no one, not even she, could ever hope to understand.

“Goyo...?”

He reached out to move away a few strands of her hair just to see that weird hair strand of hers again, and she would have flinched if not for how gentle his hand was. His fingers stopped before he could even reached her, and she swore she felt goosebumps at that close interaction.

“May... may naalala ka ba, Goyo?” she asked him tentatively.

“Na...” He was choking on his words. “Napaka-tanga ko talaga...”

He said nothing further, and she chose not to prod any deeper. The plain sight of him sobbing made tears well up in her, too. There was an indescribable pain coming from the pit of her stomach, and she couldn’t hold back the sobs that escaped her.

She learned that he wasn’t the only one missing something. Even she was missing something. She had a jagged and broken piece in her that never found its lost counterpart. Suddenly, she remembered all those nights long ago when she’d woke up with tears, weeping for reasons she could never seem to decipher. No matter how much she tried to remember, the only remnants of her sorrow were fading glimpses of red and white. She felt empty for so long, and the longest when she saw him.

Bakit nasasaktan ako kapag nakikita kita?

Her cheeks were dried with yesterday’s tears when she woke up the next day. Her heart was heavy, and she dreamt of the same red and white she hadn’t seen since her childhood. This time, though, they were clear enough to be remembered. She knew just what those colors proudly meant—the blossoming red rose and the white lilies for the dead. The great spurn of an eagle, the blanket of stars in which they’ve chosen one for them alone, and that day she allowed him to cut a strand of her hair just by her ear for him to token close to his heart.

Only one person could ever stir up the loneliness she’d kept hidden deep in her soul for so long.

“Goyong,” she whispered in the silence. She looked around her bedroom to find Goyo—Goyong—but there wasn’t a trace of him anywhere. She checked the living room, but he wasn’t there either. She shouted, expecting a response, “Goyong!”

No response.

She was insane. A fool. Stupid.

In all her jitters, she knocked out her diary from the table wherien a latest picture dropped from its pages. Written below had been the marker of a trip to Ilocos Sur. And the view behind that portrait of hers even featured the statue of the valiant young hero astride his horse.

She scrambled to take the photo, kneeling down on the ground as she wept for all the things she could never say—and all the things she’d never be able to say anymore. Her regrets of moving on, leaving him alone, and everything else.

He never returned to her apartment after that.

The only logical conclusion she could came up with was that: he’d moved on already. However, she still hope that he’d come back.

But he never did. Days turned to weeks, then to months. She was all alone again.

The first few days, she was lost. Always daydreaming and staring right ahead. The day after he left, she asked her driver to take her to Tirad before even telling her father that she won’t be going to work for the next few days. She just felt it an obligation for her to do so, that once she made it to the spot that was said to be where he had died, she felt emptier before hesitantly needing to go down another time, and finally accept the truth of moving on. She just felt that if she do what she had done before meeting his ghost, he’ll appear again. But this time, he didn’t.

Slowly, she tried, indeed, to move on. Her life slowly returned back on track. Despite how weird and heavy the action must be, she learned how to cope up. But there were still nights that she would still wish that it didn’t end that way. But life went on for the world, and so, she must as well went along with the flow.

She remained close with her siblings during their family business’s anniversary ball. Being one of the leading and successful airlines, their family was surely skyrocketing. Everyone was invited. From the stockholders, to business partners, to their best pilots and flight attendants. And when the music shifted to something slow, and the guests brought their respective partners onto the floor for a dance, she couldn’t help but feel the longing. A memory from a far away past life rising another time.

“Can I have this dance, Ms. Nable José?”

Only one voice could sound gentle as that. She thought that she was just deluding, but screw the world, for she missed it more than anything.

Turning to look at him, she saw him standing there, proud and tall with a gentle smile on his face and a hand offered on her direction. He appeared pristine on his white uniform with four bars denoting his achievements and rank. Alive.

She smiled in turn, placing her hand above his. She remembered to mock him one time, perhaps, in the future, that he had lowered his rank, but he had soared high for what he truly envisioned himself to be.

And finally home.

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For more fanfiction/one-shots: see MASTERLIST

[angeloluigitan]

The Thai people always believe that human innovation is succeeded with the power of great respect. “Respect the use of new media”

People before always thought that in the 21st century we will have flying cars, human smart robots and probably even some teleportation facilities. However did these actually happen?

Looking at the state of the world today, honestly I don’t think so,  however we’ve come up with nice and convenient technology, with the incorporation of INDUSTRIAL ARTS , making life easier. Industrial and developing technology contributes better results for modern media everyday.

Modern Media- “Life made easier at the 21st” Wait so what does this mean?

Modern Media encompasses print media, and advanced technologies today, such as your phone, the internet, and other softwares. It’s easy to say that this form of media really makes life easier, doesn’t it?

Modern media makes communication faster than before with the use of social media and print media which is a good option for spreading news. However, content alteration is always plausible, so we always have to be careful and make sure we are gathering authentic and truthful information. This media drives the way for people to be communicating in their own devices,  because of the application of modern media most people have become more aware of what’s happening all around the world.

That sounds good, however people have also become more idealistic and knowledgable creating new forms of art and media cultures. However not everything seems to have been created positively. Modern media can also be a platform for negativity and cyberattacks.  

The incorporation of modern media in my daily life affected my personal culture, awareness and growth. It made me understand more of the diversity of knowledge and capabilities of this beautiful Earth.🙈🌍

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyO-n5Fcu2Y learn more about Modern Media click this link😊

[princejamescarl-blog]

MPH: Making People Happy ☺

18 YEARS!!! Am I happy? Am I really happy? Since then, I am considered as Mr. Happy Pill. I make sure that no one will be sad in my sight. I don't want to see people crying. If I see someone sitting on a corner, even if I am tired, I will really exert effort to ask him/her if he or she's fine. If not? Well, the joker side of mine will suddenly take the stage. But, how about me? Again, am I really happy?

(Taken during the College of Pharmacy - Acquaintance Party 2018, August 11, 2018.)

Well, before I continue sharing about my life and about how I found my real purpose in life, I just want to introduce myself first. I am JAMES CARL A. JATICO, a BS PHARMACY - 1st year student. Yes, I am 18 years old. No problem, I know I look like 15. 😂 HAHAHAHA Just kidding 😂. I am a Kpop fan (obviously), a solid fan of Bigbang and G-dragon is my bias. Aside from South Korea's music industry, I also love watching Korean Dramas and Korean Series. I sing, dance, act, compose songs, write stories and poems. Anyways, I was born on February 11, 2000 in Zamboanga City, I am pure Zamboangueño. So, due to the environment, I learned how to speak English, Tagalog, Bisaya, Tausug, a little bit of korean and of course my Mother tongue, Chavacano or also known as Broken Spanish. "Si, Iyo gadt ste, maskin kosa ora, maskin donde tu, taki iyo pirmi manda kuntigo rikiri" - "Yes, this is me. Anytime, anywhere. If you need me, I am always free to make you happy" In this duration of my existence, I thought I will be just trapped on my daily routine, "School to Home and Home to School". Recently, I found out that that is exactly the reason why I felt so incomplete and sad (before). I was deprived from going out with friends and do what I want because, I am pressured and controlled on how people want me to focus on my studies. I now learned how to make myself happier than prioritizing other people's happiness.

(Taken at the Buwakan ni Alejandra last April 22, 2018)

Since I came here in Cebu, I have experienced things I never tried before. Of course, I won't be ellaborating it but, if you really want to know about it, you can set a date. Let's talk about my life and your life. 😂 Continuing, it actually completes me. I thought I will just forever face books, notebooks, handouts, powerpoints and more while holding pens and markers/highlighters. But now? Yes, I can actually balance studies while having fun (another talent has been discovered 🤣😂). I feel so comfortable right now. Yes, I can say that I am not the type of James now that people knew. He was this young boy who always make his parents proud, bring them honor and always striving to be on top (in class). I changed, to be honest. But, I think I have already proved my capability to them, I think that's enough. My only goal now is to finish this course, pass the Licensure Examination for me to become a Registered Pharmacist . I am not studying well now but, of course, I am making sure that I won't fail. I mean, my focus in terms of being a student is far different from how I was as a student before. My point is, Digits on my cards might change but, this happiness I feel inside won't be paid off with those A+ grades.

(James Carl A. Jatico, every end of school year)

Asking about my real purpose in life before I end this? I considered it as MPH: My Personal Hobby. "MPH: Making People Happy" . Still, that's it. It's really my passion. The world is full of problems, so why not make people happy? Everytime I see someone smiling or laughing because of me, it refreshes and chills me. It feels great that for the mean time, they forget their heartaches and problems. So, let me ask you this, Are you sad? Do you also want to be happy? You can actually call me, here's my number 09*********. Let's talk. Just kidding HAHAHAHAHA 😂😂

So, I don't actually know how to end this 1st entry of mine. It's really hard specially when you are sincere while writing. I actually write articles in our School's Publication, but blogging is really a different thing. It is more sincere and pure and I am actually loving it. I can now see myself writing more entries weeks or days from now even if it's not required by our pretty teacher in Communication Skills, Ms. Princess de Puntual. HAHAHAHAHA 😁😂

Have a great day 😍 Don't forget to smile. You are stronger than heartaches. 🖒

I survived world's problems since when I was a kid just by smiling. So, you can actually do it as well by laughing. Let's see who'll be looking like a crazy. HAHAHHAA 😂😂😂

Gracias ☺

[dailyiyozane]

Daily Iyo Thoughts Until There's More Fan Content In The Queue #11

Now it's time to discuss my gender headcanon for Iyozane! Drumroll please~

Yeah they're a trans man. (Gonna be using the pronouns I headcanon them with for the rest of the post.)

I can imagine him repressing his gender issues due to his strict upbringing. Though he did fantasize about crossdressing a lot, and after coming back to life he could at least make that dream come true (except not really because you can't really "crossdress" as a guy when it turns out you were a guy all along).

He does have a frame of reference for what trans people are thanks to Kunimitsu (also trans man) and Mitori (don't have a solid headcanon for them but it'll probably end up being some kind of nonbinary). Even so, it still took him a while to realize he himself was trans.

Now I'm curious what gender headcanons other people have for Iyo.

[cutegirlmayra]

Hello Marya :) I would like to request a headcanon or a prompt regarding our beloved couple referencing a song...~but, there's a catch...It's in a different language so that may be a bit of a challenge. Too bad I can't give you the English translation but the title of the song is "Kathang Isip" by Ben&Ben...I don't know why it reminds me of them every time I listen! We all know Amy would never give up but I just :'( *Sobs* (doesn't really matter if its Boom! or Modern!)

This was a little tricky, not gonna lie, but the song is lovely! As I read the lyrics, I could totally see moments where this was Sonamy, a good chunk I could even say was Sonic’s feelings, so I thought that really cool.

Song: (x) Lyrics: (x)

Prompt: 

‘Di ba nga ito ang 'yong gusto (Isn’t this what you wanted?)

Amy is packing a suitcase, placing some things in before looking behind her, seeing with her glossy eyes the picture on top of the fireplace shelf.

O, ito'y lilisan na ako (Here, I’ll be leaving now)

It’s a photo of her hugging Sonic, remembering the moment as the picture comes to life. Sonic smiles and leans his head away from her on-coming affections. She nuzzles in close before laughing as he looks back to smile towards her. It’s a friendly scene… before she turns back with no expression, eyes half cut from the shot, and closes the suitcase. She storms out of the house.

Mga alaala'y ibabaon Kalakip ang tamis ng kahapon (I’ll burry the memories Along with yesterday’s sweet)

She covers her crying face with her arm, looking clearly upset as Sonic enters the scene from the opposite side, having walked up the road and stops to see her leave. No expression, just watching… steadily following her figure at a distance.

Mga gabing di namamalayang Oras ay lumilipad (On nights when I don’t notice Time flying by)

He opens the door, before looking around and walking in. He sees a faded memory of Amy preparing dinner, welcoming him in as she dusts off her hands on her apron and jumps into his arms,. He rubs the back of his head before stumbling a little back as she tackles into him, but nods in agreement at having dinner with her.

Mga sandaling lumalayag Kung sa'n man tayo mapadpad (Moments sailing away Wherever we go)

The image fades back to a dreary, dark dinner table in the other room, before he closes the door behind him without looking away from it, and walks up the stairs.

Amy is on top of a hill, before she stops, holding her suitcase in front of her, and turns to look back at the house.

Bawat kilig na nadarama(The excitement that I feel)

Sonic sits on the bed, holding his hand with his thumb in the center of the palm, and then closes his open hand and turns away, squinting his eyes closed. Camera pans right from close up.

Sa tuwing hawak ang iyong kamay(Every time I hold your hand)

Ito'y maling akala(It was a misinterpretation)

Amy close up too, her mouth forms down and to the side of her muzzle, before tears fall and she covers her face as she cries. Another Camera pan.

Isang malaking sablay(It was one huge miscalculation)

It flashes between Sonic getting up, Amy racing sloppily down the hill. Sonic kicking the ground, gripping his head as he rests his elbows on the dresser. Amy stumbling to the ground and her things falling out.

Pasensya ka na (I’m sorry)

Split screen of them crying, faces covered, but mouths panting through sobs is revealed.

Fade to black instantly.

Sa mga kathang isip kong ito Wari'y dala lang ng (For these imaginations of mine I just got carried away by)

Fade back to Amy on a bus, it rocking her back and force a bit as her eyes look soulless, void of light. Sonic walking out of the house, looking off in the distance Amy took off in.

Pagmamahal sa iyo (My love for you)

Sonic’s glossy eyes stare at the top of the hill, as her image appears instantly, dropping her bags and rushing to him before disappearing just as fast as he saw it.

Ako'y gigising na (Now I will wake up)

Sonic wakes up in trees with a startle, an arm up over his head, before his eyes slowly close in grief. Camera zoom up and away.

Sa panaginip kong ito (From this dream of mine)

Camera fades to black, then Amy setting her suitcase down in an empty apartment.

At sa wakas ay kusang (And finally, I will willingly)

There’s an image of Sonic’s hand that reaches to her own on the suitcase, holding it a moment.

Lalayo sa iyo (Walk away from you)

The image of his hand fades instantly, and she bundles her hand into a tight, grieful fist.

-Lalayo sa- (turn away from)

Her eyes are locked on her hand upon the suitcase… before swishing her head and having the camera quickly skim with another side-swipe pan to blur out until stopping on Classic Sonic and classic Amy first meeting.

Gaano kabilis nagsimula Gano'n katulin nawala (What started so quickly As it had vanished)

They both are seeing each other for the first time.. then that image vanishes into the wind.

Maaari ba tayong bumalik sa umpisa Upang 'di na mawasak ang pusong nag-iisa (Can we go back to the start So as not to break this lonely heart)

Side-wipe camera affects again to show more shadowy figures of Sonic and Amy. Amy leaning forward towards Sonic, hands behind her back, hair and dress moving in the wind. Sonic with a hand on his hip, slowly looking her way, with the wind on his quills.

Pasensya ka na (I’m sorry)

The image crumbles away.

Sa mga kathang isip kong ito Wari'y dala lang ng Pagmamahal sa iyoAko'y gigising na Sa panaginip kong ito sa wakas ay kusangLalayo sa iyo -Lalayo sa- (For these imaginations of mine I just got carried away by My love for you Now I will wake up From this dream of mine And finally, I will willingly Walk away from you turn away from)

Flashbacks to memorable Sonamy moments through Sonic x era and Canon games, but all in shadows. Quickly returns to Sonic and Amy at present. Amy walking down a city street, most likely Station Square, and moving her hair back as she turns to look off in the distance. Camera angles and moves up before quickly passing the sky and showing Sonic in an intense fight with Eggman. Looking like he’s taking it seriously as he blasts a robot through, dodges the explosion and missiles through the smoke, and charges back at Eggman’s laughing face before Eggman wobbles back in his Eggmobile.

Sumabay sa agos na isinulat ng tadhana Na minsan siya'y para sa ito (Going with the flow that destiny wrote That sometimes she’s the one for you)

Cuts from their to Sonic picking up a note left by Amy, opening it to see the tarot card for Destiny. He picks it up to look at how faded it is, before frowning.

Pero minsan siya'y paasa Tatakbo papalayo (But sometimes she’ll just lead you on I will run away)

Amy opens her door to find the tarot card on the ground outside it. She falls to her knees, covering her mouth as she slides against the door, overwhelmed with sorrow.

Kakalimutan ang lahat (I’ll forget it all) Ohh, Ohh, Ohh.

Sonic adjusts his gloves in the city, looking up at the big screens, seeing happy couples advertising some commercial, and walks on across the street.

Amy working, before leaving at night walking down the road and tieing her coat on. A car’s light flash on and approach her rapidly, as she turns with frightful, widened eyes to it.

Pero kahit sa'n man lumingon Nasusulyapan ang kahapon (But everywhere I look I see moments of yesterday)

Sonic stands at a grave, holding flowers, seeing images of her all around the place. Playing hopscotch on stones, spinning through open spaces, and leaning over to smile and laugh as though enjoying herself next to him before fading.

At sa aking bawat paghinga Ikaw ang nasa isip ko sinta (And with my every breath Darling it’s you who’s in my mind)

He falls to a knee, then the other, and lays the flowers down. Before leaning his head up, then crashing a fist down to the ground, crying out tears you can see for the first time. All this is on beat with the music.

Kaya pasensya ka na (So I’m sorry)

Sonic slowly breaking down for not going after her when she left. crying and prostrating himself on the ground. He opens an eye for a moment, before rubbing his head back against the ground near her grave.

Sa mga kathang isip kong ito Wari'y dala lang ng Pagmamahal sa iyoAko'y gigising na Sa panaginip kong ito sa wakas ay kusangLalayo sa iyo -Lalayo sa- (For these imaginations of mine I just got carried away by My love for you Now I will wake up From this dream of mine And finally, I will willingly Walk away from you turn away from)

A montage of Sonic going through daily things in his life, but Amy’s image always right beside him, turning ghostly and see-through, fading as he continues to live his life.

'Di ba nga ito ang 'yong gusto (Isn’t this what you wanted?)

Back at the grave sight, he’s back to crying on the ground, before looking up at the tombstone.

O, (Here,)

He drops the flowers.

ito'y lilisan na ako (I’ll be leaving now)  

He walks away from her grave, as her image is holding the flowers, watching him go off screen.

(this hurt. Actually, it hurt a lot. but the song was beautiful~)

[uchihaiyo-fr-blog]

Madara - #35135528

Personality

Madara is a very typical Fire Dragon.He is impulsive, passionate and often his temper gets the better of him. He can be merciless when he wants to be, but he loves his clan with all his heart. Even if he is strict to the dragons in his clan, he's willing to protect them at any cost, go any length to make sure nobody touches them. Because he's worked hard to earn their trust, and they are the first ones to accept him as he is. Madara is an early bird, always up before sunrise to make his rounds around the Lair. He's trying to stay in close contact with all of the dragons in his lair, and listens to their thoughts and ideas almost daily. He's polite to them, encourages them in his own way and he receives love and trust in return.

He is a stubborn leader, and he knows it. He is generally very self-aware most of the time. Which is why he announced the Priestess Inej to become his equal. They decide together, and when his quick wit and her calm mind mix, usually something very good comes out of it.

He had a mate before Iyo who left to serve the Flamecaller. It took him a while to accept another dragon into his heart again, but eventually he opened up to Iyo. Sometimes he is a tad too protective of her.

Most of his children serve the Gods. Only one of them is still traveling and Madara let's him be. He cares for him, but he knows that he is just as restless as Madara is himself.

Biography

Madara was a lost hatchling. He assumes that his nest had been plundered, and his egg must have been carried away by the predator and perhaps they dropped it or forgot about it somehow. When he hatched, he was all on his own, and while providing for oneself even in this age is nothing too unusual for dragons, it wasn't easy to fit in with the elder dragons. Eventually, he found a little place he thought would be perfect for himself - it was in the outskirts of the Emberglow Hearth, away from most prying eyes. Upon inspecting it, he found that another young dragon had already occupied the little lair.  But the young female Tundra named Achina didn't drive him away like most other dragons would have done: she accepted him, and eventually, when they had both matured, they became mates. But Achina was has always wanted nothing more than serving the Flamecaller. And eventually, that is what she did. And even worse for Madara: She took their hatchlings with her. She wasn't brave enough to face him with her final decision, and left while he was out on a hunt. After searching for her for a few hours, some of the neighbouring dragons took pity on him and told him about what had happened. Enraged and grieving, Madara left his old lair, and travelled alone for a few years. It wasn't until he met Atash that things began to look a little better for him. Atash was a wild, dangerous dragon who accepted only those above him who could win against him. And Madara did win. Time and time again. They became friends, even if not in the usual way, and took most of their journeys together from her on.

Other dragons joined them, and many left again. Hashirama was one of the dragons who joined him, and he became a very, very close friend, Madara eventually settled down with his little clan, and a few years later he met Iyo and couldn't resist the young dragon's charms.  She helped him with many decisions, and  since she saw many things quite differently from him, they figured out many solutions through discussions. It was Iyo, too, who suggested that Madara should share the burden of leadership with Inej.

[thedeniveeph]

Falling, Landi, Landing and A Date | TheDenivee.Ph

I forgot how Gerard and I knew each other. We went to the same college, had several common friends, at one point even took the same course, but certainly never got to meet or learn of each other’s existence. Until we matched on a dating site I had 3 registered accounts in, and things went down from there. 

A week or so ago, I asked if he’d be okay to date me. And he said yes. I disclosed as much as I thought I had to, just so we’re on the same page--this is for my blog, we pay for our own stuff, no one has to treat the other. All we do are show up in date clothes, hang out in a fancier place, have an itinerary, and hopefully, find that we both had a good time after doing so. Writing this down now, seems we both did.

Falling

The Rationale

I haven’t dated in almost 4 years, and it’s a personal choice. I regularly hang out with different male friends, and while I do think these count as dates, they’re platonic ones, which most people my age don’t consider as real dates. So I thought, why not go on one when I have the free time?

Now, the reason I deliberately chose not to date-date in close to 4 years is that I’m scared of expecting and getting attached to certain people and outcomes. My last romantic involvement with a guy ended with him ghosting me, and the last guy I saw on an almost daily basis is the biggest prick I’ve ever seen in my 25 years on earth so far. 

Guys aside, life’s been pretty rough, and bitch ain’t going to date till she knows she’s not in danger of getting overly attached or projecting traumas to others. Hang outs are okay. But a duly labeled date? OFF LIMITS.

Landi

The Guy

Until my antidepressants started kicking in, and thought, who am I kidding? I’m not 21 anymore. I Kiss Dating Goodbye is not the deal. Dates don’t mean marriage. Dates, like most things in life, are risks. And maybe, with the right person, they can be fun ones. Having previously met Gerard, I thought he’d be a good pick. 

He writes, does martial arts, has an interest in philosophy and history, and is big on conversation. He likes coffee. And coffee is life. I know he won’t be a bore. And, he’s flirtatious--in a fun way. I like how he’s upfront with things--what he likes, what he doesn’t, without being rude. He’s also well-spoken but doesn’t have that cocky air. Even if  it weren’t for this write-up, this is someone I won’t mind seeing more of. 

The last time we met before the date, I was bawling my eyes out at one of the campus gardens. He’s kind enough to give me a hug, and he smelled nice, BTW. I kind of wanted to make up for that, and fortunately, I got the chance. 

The Itinerary

We picked Sunday, June 2. The day was just starting, and he got me to open his bag for him to get his wallet. I saw something else 😉 let's not get into that 😂 Though I'd say, what a way to start a date 😉😉😉

Anyway, he drove to our chosen venue, the Quezon Heritage House. It turned out to be closed. A bummer as it was, we chanced upon other spots within the area--like the Presidential Car Museum.It’s cute how excited he got when one of the security guards told us that that museum is open on Sundays.  

I know nothing about cars, and he knows a lot. I did appreciate the aesthetic and specifications of each vehicle, which all seemed to represent its main passenger. Gerard told me about suicide doors, designed to direct air flow out of the car, so when the doors open, they stay open. And so, riders can throw people out and guarantee death. Which is why they're a preferred car feature for mafias.

Gerard taught me a couple of other car-related stuff, and then came my turn to teach him. We stopped by The Coconut House for lunch, got binalot; over lumpia, okoy, gising gising, and bangus, we tried to banter in Fukyuan and Bicolano. I know a bit of Bicolano from my lola, while he knows Fukyuan from his parents.

Apparently, he already mastered the phrase"Ya hiao" (meaning very malandi or promiscuous) and a bunch of other swear words 😂. He was keen on finding speech patterns to remember the phrases more easily, and I had to break it to him that Fukyuan is tricky. "Tao" can mean "steal" or "tear open". Like "Ho" can mean "yes" or "rain". I'm so amused by how determined he was to try to remember and practice the phrases. I, on the other hand, remember "bakong iyo", Bicolano for "isn't it", best.

At one point we were able to kind of converse in Fukyuan. And he said, "Bagay tayong mag-usap in Fukyuan. Or pwede rin namang bagay tayong dalawa."

To which I replied, "Pwede both?"

We stopped by for coconut-infused ice cream right outside the resto and took a few photos. We agreed to go elsewhere for coffee and his perfume-shopping, and he was still putting the phrases to practice. Cute, bakong iyo? 😁

The Banter

Undoubtly a highlight of the date, was picking his new scent. We parked on the new wing of SM North Edsa and immediately spotted a scent -making kiosk.

I picked out scents that I liked, and the staff explained that perfumes all have top, middle, and bottom notes. I pointed out that all my picks were bottom notes.

"Ahh, mahilig ka pala sa bottom ha?" He said, jokingly, eyebrows raising with a naughty smile. The salesperson then added that the bottom notes linger longer than the top and middle, making them the base scent.

"O, kaya ko gusto yung bottom. Kasi they stay!" I said nonchalantly, to which he and the staff smiled. While waiting for him to finalize his top picks, he showed me a photo of him standing beside a fire extinguisher. And I remarked, "Aba, at talagang nagpose ka katabi ng fire extinguisher. Kasi you're hot!" I think I pulled a good one. He gave me a high-five.

He finally chose the notes for his scent and we stopped by for coffee at another kiosk nearby. He said, "Masarap magkape, kape-ling ka." I laughed and gave him a high-five.

We took a few selfies and sent one to a friend before going back to the scent kiosk to pick up his new perfume. It has that "fresh out of the shower" vibe that's not overpowering but definitely fragrant. I kidded, "Now you smell perfect for flirting because you only need to get close and whoever you flirt with will know you smell nice."

He sat close to me and joked, "Do I?"

Then came the subtlest, but I guess, the best parts of the date.

Landing

The Escalator

Gerard has a way of turning the smallest things into a learning experience, and I like that. So I'm not surprised that the highlight of the date was when he taught me to ride the escalator without looking at the steps. I'm not good with stairs or escalators--I often end up tripping and once even needed stitches for my chin because of it.

"Don't look. The escalator is moving and you need to move with it. You don't want to time your steps when the surface is moving. You will land on something. Maybe not perfectly on your feet. But you can always correct that when it happens."

Now, I don't know what amuses me more--how he turned that moment into a teaching moment, or how I'm turning it into a learning moment. Maybe it's not about the fear of falling as much as it is about the fear of not landing how and where you feel you should. Falling is easy. No force. No thought. Just freefall. But landing? The initial thrill of the fall...then the anxiety of the impending landing. The physical and mental preparations that come before, during, and after the landing. The pressure of having to be on your feet when you hit surface. Then again...when you're not on your feet by then, you can get up, and correct it with a step back, forward, or in place, can you? Seems so.

The Rest of the Date

A few escalator rides after, we did some of his shopping. I found he has a more refined sartorial taste than I have. And I also found he computes the cost of wear per purchase, which I thought to be very Chinoy...and oddly sexy in that it made so much sense. 😂 we took a mirror selfie because I thought we look good together. 😉

We closed the date with thank you's.

"Thank you for coming with me."

"Thank you for agreeing to this date."

"Sorry it's nothing grand."

"It's the company that counts."

Indeed, it is. For this date, it's the company that made it such. Falling, landi, and landing--learning and relearning all about them in one date. Who'd have thought? Thank you, my date.

Now, I'd very much like to visit the Quezon Heritage House for real when it's open. And maybe catch a whiff of that perfume I helped formulate. So, thank you, next?

[olusegundare]

The Haphazard Search

The Haphazard Search

Brother Ire got saved at the age of 13 years while in the secondary school in Semilore town.

Semilore town according to historians was the first village was the first village to be founded in the North-East of Igbayi country. The village knew rapid growth those years because of its location. Soon it became the biggest town in the 100 square miles. As the number of the people of the world increase people started migrating towards Semilore’s location and they will contact the headship of Semilore to give them where to settle down at. Semilore leaders after deliberations started giving those migrants places to settle down at and start their trade there. This wa how about 12 villages emerged out of the 100 square miles radius of the land that initially belonged to Semilore town.

When colonial masters started moving to the North-East of Igbayi country (then they have not been merged up to become a country), it was those new towns that were easily accessible, the leaders of those new towns parleyed with the colonial headships and things started to hit the deck for the Semilore town and her inhabitants.

New things, technological advancements started entering the country of Igbayi but as they entered into the country the leaderships of those new towns did not allow them to get to the town of Semilore.

Soon the population of the people living in Semilore town started diminishing as inhabitants of the town started migrating to other towns, those towns where technology has been well structured, grounded and established. In fact, the leaderships of Semilore cannot do anything without going to Orey town where the colonial masters have made their temporary headquarter (or capital).

This was how Semilore experienced setbacks and became a third-class town within Igbayi country while other towns witnessed tremendous growth and development.

How Education Entered

It was 5 decades after education has been introduced and established in Orey town before the people of Semilore started to sniff the odour of education in the town.

Education eventually entered Semilore town entered through one of her indigenes, Mr Iyo, who migrated to Orey town and has returned home. After graduating from one of the colleges of Education in Orey town, he decided to take education to his country home. It took him a while to convince his people to accept education. He started the kindergarten and primary school in the town.  He was able to nurse the school for 10 years. After the graduation of the first set in the school, Mr. Iyo died.

The people of Semilore mourned him for months because they knew that was a major set back for the town.

None of the indigenes who migrated to Orey town returned to Semilore town except Mr. Iyo. From the little the graduates he produced had learnt they started teaching the upcoming people and other who were interested how to read and write.

Missionaries in Town

They were on this when missionaries entered Semilore with the Gospel message. The missionaries were happy that there was a school in the town. They searched for those who were in charge of the school and after deliberations decided to partner with them in passing knowledge into the lives of the people within the town.

One of the missionaries while leaving the town after about 10 years that he had been in the town with others decided to leave the town. While leaving the town he took along with him two people to his country. When they got to the man’s country, those people he sponsored to school. After their graduation those people decided to return to Semilore town to help in building her education system because “education is light and freedom” they said. Through these people, secondary school began in the town when it was 10th decade after education has been established in Orey town.

Messer Sunday and Monday who were the people taken away by the missionary some years back popularly called “destined twins” by people of Semilore town. They were of different parents and the difference in their age was 24 hours. One was born on Sunday while the second was given birth to the following day. Incidentally they resemble each other which thence makes it look as if truly they were twins.

Before the destined twins returned to Semilore town, they had gotten married to foreigners where they have schooled. Their wives were also missionaries and educated, they decided to return to Semilore town with their husbands.

When they got to Semilore town they started secondary school and the people of the town were glad that such could start in their town after long wait. They were happy because the beginning of the school would prevent them from losing their children to Orey and other towns that have secondary schools.

The people of the town on seeing what the destined twins were doing promised to give them all they need to ensure that the school makes appreciable growth in all ramifications.

As this school started the destined twin’s family started fellowship in their school teaching the children and other members of staff the ways of the Lord because when they know God from their teenage days it would be near impossible if not totally impossible for them to leave the way when they come of age.

The destined twins left the town after 15 years of the secondary school’s birth on a missionary trip to another country and it was the believe of the people of Semilore that they must have returned with their wives to their country and died there.

This was how secondary school fellowship began in Semilore town and those who were establishing schools in the town afterwards allow for fellowships in their schools.

People, teachers in Semilore town have maintained this act. It was during one of the fellowship days that brother Ire gave his life to Jesus Christ. He became vibrant in the school’s fellowship till he finished from there and left for University of Oriyomi where he graduated as a computer scientist. After his graduation he started to work as one of the analysts in a company.

Aching Heart

As a person who has been brought up by a morally sound parents before being saved he had been taught that it is wrong to have sex with ladies and should wait until he is ready for marriage, because according to his parents having sex with people you are not married to will have negative impact on your destiny as it did for Samson the mighty in the bible. He did not want this to become his lot that was why he had kept himself even when his friends at the age of ten, started experimenting with sex, he told himself that he won’t follow their path because his parents have warned him against that.

He maintained his status until he heard the gospel in the school that only Jesus can help him get to heaven. He desires to get to the beautiful place being painted to all by teacher Rubber in the fellowship that day and he gave his heart to Jesus Christ.

Ever since then has he been maintaining himself, keeping his organ under control.

In his university days when others were becoming involved with ladies he did not, he only see ladies as colleagues and casual friends, nothing deeper than that. Sometimes when he saw ladies that his heart is attracted to, he would brush it off his heart sooner than expected.

When he graduated from the university and he started working that was when his parents started mounting pressure on him to get marry.

Before this time, he has not attached much importance to the issue of marriage because he thought God will make it happen at its time.

When he told his parents this, his parents told him that there is no better time than that time because he now has a job and could take care of his family if he gets married at that time.

When he heard this, he started being on the look out for a lady to be married to. He however discovered that all the ladies he met he did not have feelings for those ladies and those he thinks he had feelings for were either married or engaged. “I cannot just marry anyone”, he said to himself, “I do not want to end my life like Samson the mighty”, he hushed to himself. This continued to be his heart ache and daily prayer.

Relationship Sites

After many attempts at getting a partner but no progress, he noticed that he had been seeing different relationship sites on the internet and he asked himself one day, “why not give this relationship sire a trial?” Torrents of thoughts started coming to his heart of what he had heard people say about such sites. People have been saying that on-line dating does not work some say you cannot get a decent lady on the internet let alone getting a Christian. I need more than a decent lady; can I get a lady of my faith, a Christian on the internet? People say all those relationship sites are pornographic sites, a “Delilahic” site. Should I listen to them or I should give it a trial? Should I wait a little bit longer? But for how long will I wait? My parents are on my neck. These and more he continued to think about and after a while he said, after all, I would not be tied down to the site neither would anyone be tied to the site if what one is seeking for could not be found there. If I do not see what I like, I would leave the site he said. After all these inner arguments with self, he resolved that he would attempt those sites.

He got registered to one of the sites and the initial information on the site almost puts him off. The information is that many of the ladies on that site do not want intimate relationship with anyone, all they wanted was fun, someone they will have fun with. He though got registered to the site with the hope that he would get someone, a lady like himself on the site.

After registering at the site he kept on trying other sites telling himself that may be by this I may get a Christian dating site, after all other religions have their dating sites or may be I will get lucky anyway people have said those with a genuine mind are usually lucky because God does sees their heart and he would not allow their feet to slip. There are pressures within and without I just need to be lucky.

At Last

He kept registering to different single and relationship sites and when he sees anything contrary, he will pull out of the site. After several trials but nothing cropped up, he got tired of all the sites and said to himself that God does not want him to use the avenue. I have tried my best now and I think all I have heard about these sites are true, they are not meant for people like me, and more importantly Christians he said.

He deserted those sites and started thinking about ladies within his vicinity as well as ladies within his fellowship, trusting that God would push one along his path soon.

He has been on this for a while until he received an email from lady Bayu Bay from the continent of Possibility one day. The lady was from another continent and claimed to have been on the dating site he is and has been able to go through his profile there and would love to be friends with him if he would not mind that. She is an engineer by profession born to engineer and engineer (Mrs.) Bay. She also joined the dating sites because her job has been more of the internet and she was thinking how and where she could get someone to love since she spends great time on the internet daily. She wants a man who will stay with her a sincere man, not a divorcee.

Ire did not know whether what he was reading was true or false, but he thinks it is good than nothing, he has to give this a trial and immediately this that he wants to give a trial is getting cold he will back off.

That was how everything started, and they began to exchange mails. For ten months they had been on this until they decided to meet face to face.

Ire has been saving for an international seminar that is being organized by Microsoft. He told lady Bayu about the seminar, lady Bayu told him that she received notification about the seminar but had decided that she will not be going, but if he will be attending, she will have to arrange how to be there too so that they will see face to face. The agreement to meet at the next Microsoft seminar was concluded.

Ire applied for visa and he was granted, he travelled out for the seminar. Lady Bayu has a friend close to where the seminar would take place and she has been in the country two days before the seminar, staying with her friend.

Ire and lady Bayu met at the seminar. They contacted each other through their social media network at the seminar. There they accessed themselves and talk more. For the whole length of the seminar days, Lady Bayu and Ire were always together.

Lady Bayu’s friend also got to know Ire before they finished the seminar. Whatever has a beginning will sure have an end. The seminar ended and they departed for their respective countries.

Now, they talked and chat better.

Two months after the seminar Ire officially asked lady Bayu if she could be married to him. There was no hesitation in her response to him. Ire and lady Bayu got married 4 months after the seminar and they have been living together since.

[carpejemmm]

Growing Pains

- some details found here are about my life. Itigil na natin 'to. Those words came out from your mouth like a dragon spitting flame. Nakakasunog. Masakit. Maaaring ikamatay. Yan yung mismong sinabi mo noong gabing yun. That night when you've decided to kill me - emotionally. I thought it was just but one of our typical fights then. Yung tipong pagkaraan ng isa o dalawang araw, lilipas din. Magkakaayos din tayo. We'll make things right at babalik tayo sa dati. Pero nagkamali ako. The estimated two days became three. That three became four. Four became a week. And a week became two. Wala eh. Pataasan tayo ng ego at pride. It was as mighty as Great Wall of China. Sa sobrang taas nito, walang nakagawang tibagin ito. Kaya naman ang ending, nasira tayo. No one among the two of us tried saying sorry. No efforts were rendered. Hanggang sa narealize ko, di porke't ako yung babae, maghihintay na lang ako. That can't be. The world isn't in favor of gender stereotyping. We all fight for equal rights among men and women. And yes, I did the first move. I reached out for you. Ako yung unang nagsorry. I tried looking for you but to no avail, wala ka sa mga lugar na tinatambayan mo. I asked your friends where you are. And their answers? None. Isang ngiwi lang. But that didn't stop me. I said to myself, if hindi ako makapagsorry sa'yo ng personal, sa cellphone na lang. Alam ko magkaibang-magkaiba sila pero kasi, I was so desperate to patch things with you. Kasi hindi ko na kakayanin pa kapag lilipas pa ang isang araw na hindi pa natin naaayos ang gusot natin. Magsosorry ako sa'yo sa cellphone, pero sa oras na magkita tayo personally, magsosorry ulit ako. And so I did. I texted you but you never beeped me back. I called you, pero laging dial tone. But I didn't stop. Tinawagan kita nang tinawagan hanggang sa natyempuhan ko oras mo. Nagring. Sinagot mo. It was one of the spur moments wherein I felt gratefulness, fear, happiness, nervousness and of course... excitement. Sobrang saya ko noon na kulang na lang magtatakbo ako sa tuwa simply because magkakaayos na tayo. Saktong magsasalita na ako noon, pero sinalubong mo ako ng mga salitang kailanman ay hindi ko inaasahang sasabihin mo. Itigil na natin 'to. I was dumbfounded. Or is that world really enough to describe how I felt that time? I guess no. Sa sobrang daming naramdaman ko noon, hindi ko na alam kung paano ko pa mailalarawan ang lahat ng iyon. Sa una hindi ako nakapagsalita. Tinawanan kita. Hinintay ko yung part kung saan tatawa ka at sasabihin mo ang salitang 'joke'. Kasi doon ka magaling eh, sa mga jokes mong nakakaiyak dahil sa sobrang sakit ng tiyan ko kakatawa. Pero ano nga ba? Naghintay ako sa wala. I waited only to receive a sharp intake of breath from you. "You're kidding, right?" Tanong ko sa'yo. Somehow, I was hoping na mali yung hinala ko. But hindi eh.  "Hindi." Dere-deretso at walang pag-aalinlangang sagot mo. I felt how cold and sharp your voice was. It hit my chest and the coldness slowly crept inside me, from my veins, to my heart, to my brain. Until it covered my whole system. At doon ko narealize na sobrang sakit pala. The pain in my heart caused my eyes to swell. I started crying silently. Pinigilan ko yung mga hikbi ko kasi ayokong ipakita sayo na sobra akong nasasaktan. Hindi yun joke pero napaiyak mo ako. And the worst part, I didn't cry because my stomach was aching from laughing out loud. I cried for my heart was breaking and shattering silently. Isn't it ironic? I was hesitant and reluctant. Tinanong kita kung bakit but you didn't say a word any further. Gustong-gusto kong malaman kung bakit kasi karapatan ko yun eh. Tayo yung involved sa relasyong gusto mong kalasan, dapat alam ko yung dahilan mo pero wala kang sinabi. Hindi mo gustong sabihin. At ang masaklap, nakikipaghiwalay ka na nga, sa cellphone pa. Ganun ba ako kababa? Ganun ba ako kawalang halaga sa iyo? Ganun ka ba kaexcited na makawala sa anino ko? Pero nirespeto kita at ang desisyon mo. Though it was painful, I agreed. I let you go and you slipped away. But still, in the end, I still muttered my sorry. I still told you how sorry I was cause that's my main reason for calling you. At ang narinig ko lang galing sa iyo, ang dial tone. It was just but a fleeting moment, but it lingered longer than what I expected. From experiencing euphoria, you suddenly loosened your grip. From falling in love with you, I fell into the ground full of mud and ashes of broken promises, broken dreams and a broken heart. I ended up being depressed. Gone were the days of butterflies, unicorns and rainbows. Hello to melting icebergs, drought and hurricanes. Hindi ako makakain ng maayos. Hindi makatulog ng maayos. Hindi makapag-aral ng maayos. Lahat-lahat, nawala sa ayos. I didn't have anyone to turn to. Hindi ko masabi sa mga magulang ko o kapatid ko kasi nahihiya ako. I couldn't tell my friends because they weren't in favor of my relationship with you. And since I didn't want them to end up loathing you, I suffered alone. I bawled my eyes out until it reached to the point wherein it was dry tears which came out from them. I did hurt myself physically to balance the pain within me. I shut myself from the world, and the world shut me off, too - socially. Pero kahit yata gaano kasakit ang lahat ng yun, I didn't stop caring for you. One time, nag-open ako ng facebook account ko. I wanna know what happened to you after the break-up. Kung nagdaramdam ka din ba. Kung nasasaktan ka din ba. O di kaya ay kung inaalala mo din ba ako gaya ng pag-alala ko sa iyo. I visited your account. And you know what I saw? You. With her. Your new girl. Kung gaano kasakit yung naramdaman ko noong panahong iniwan mo ako, doble yung naramdaman ko noong nalaman kong meron ka ng iba. I asked myself what, where, when, why and how did everything went wrong? Was it you? Was it me? Was it the both of us? Was it none? Kasi kung tutuosin, yung away natin noon, walang-wala yun compared sa mga away natin dati eh. Walang-wala yun compared sa mga kalokohan mo o yung mga bagay na ginagawa mo pag nakatalikod ako. Walang-wala yun compared sa mga pinalagpas kong hindi lang minsan kundi madaming panggagago mo. Ganun ba ako kadaling palitan? Pero wala akong ginawa. Nagsawalang-kibo ako. I ignored the pain which was slowly rising. Hindi ko kaya. Kahit ang dami ng rason para kalimutan kita, hindi ko magawa. That's how I was smitten by you. No matter how painful and world shattering it was, I still guarded and waited for your activities. Every now and then, may mga bagong post ka patungkol sa kanya. Kung gaano mo siya kamahal. Kung gaano siya kahalaga sa'yo. Every now and then, may mga bago din siyang updates na pictures ninyo. At lahat ng iyon pareho-pareho lang ang sinasabi. Pinapakita na sobrang saya mo sa piling niya. Kaya hinayaan kita. And then one time there's this male friend of mine who approached me. He told me I look so down and vulnerable. Tumanggi ako. Of course hindi ko sasabihin sa kanya. "You can always turn to me. I won't judge you. I'm giving you my shoulder to lean on." Yan yung laging sinasabi niya. Hindi niya ako tinigilan sa pagpapaamin ng damdamin ko. He kept on asking me on a daily basis if I'm good. He kept on reminding me that I could lean on him. Eventually, one day, I just found myself running into his arms. I told him everything about you, about me, about us. Lahat ng mga pangarap na hindi nabuo. Lahat ng pangako na napako. Ang relasyon nating gumuho. Lahat ng sakit naramdaman ko ulit. Cupid's flaming arrow pierced my smashed heart. Was it painful? Of course. The pain was unbearable that I needed water to stop it from burning that's why I decided to jump to the pool immediately when I saw one. Siya yung naging sponge ko. He absorbed all of the pain I vented out. Taga-punas ng luha at taga-hagod ng likod ko kapag hindi ko na kaya. I thought ganun lang yun. At masaya ako dahil may kaibigan akong nakakaintindi sa akin. But that's where I went wrong, again. "Mahal kita. Naiintindihan mo ba? Pinigilan ko. Tangina! Pinigilan ko to pero hindi ko kaya. I always see myself running back to you whenever I try to forget my feelings for you." He confessed his love for me. He told me he loves me. Na matagal na daw pero wala siyang lakas ng loob na umamin sa akin kasi duwag daw siya. Hindi ako nakapagsalita. Hindi din ako nakagalaw. I felt like even if I move even just a single, tensing muscle, baka magkamali ako. And so he left me and told me that he'll give me time to think about it. We parted ways that time - both caught in an awkward situation. He's my friend and entering a relationship with him may damage our friendship. It is risky. And I don't want to lay it out in this world of gambling. Hindi ako nakatulog sa gabing yun dahil binabagabag ako ng mukha niya noong hindi ako nakasagot. Nag-isip ako. At sobrang lalim nito. Naisip kita at siya, yung mahal mo ngayon. Nakita ko kung gaano ka kasaya and that you're doing well now. I saw the glint in your eyes, the glint that I always see back when it was me who was in her position. Inisip ko maybe I needed someone, too. Cause I was stuck with the idea of us, I needed someone who'll pop that thought in my head. I needed someone who'll make me realize na hindi ka nag-iisa sa mundong ito. Nainggit ako. In the end, I broke my own principles. I took the risk. I laid a bet. And yes, I accepted his love for me. I committed my whole to my friend. Hindi ko makakalimutan yung mukha niya noong gabing iyon. Sobrang saya niya. Binuhat pa niya ako at pinaikot-ikot kaya ang ending, puro tawa lang. For the first time after God knows when, tumawa ako. And it felt so damn good that I found myself cheering up my alter-ego. And my other self willingly obliged. Sobrang gaan sa pakiramdam. Every now and then, we go out on dates. Nagtreking kami, island hopping, kumain ng kwek-kwek sa tabi ng daan, nagfine dining. Lahat-lahat. We would spend our time texting or calling one another pag wala kaming budget panggala. And we'd end up everything with the sweet three words. I love you. It tasted so sweet everytime he utters those words back then. Damang-dama mo yung emotion at sincerity niya. But for me, all I could taste is the bitterness in my tongue whenever I tell him those words. Of course I would simply because I was saying it back to someone I don't share mutual feelings with. I realized that the happiness I was feeling with him was nothing but just a laughter without a sound. My words were empty. My heart wasn't palpitating. Wanna know why? Because he's not you. And yes again. I was still yearning for you and your love. And then you dropped me a message, which surprised me cause since the break-up, we cut our communication. And you were asking me if I have time to meet you. At ako naman itong si tanga, without second thoughts, I said yes. Nakipagkita ako sa'yo. We met on a lazy afternoon. Pero naestatwa ako sa nakita ko. Ikaw, pero ibang ikaw. Pansin ko ang pamumula ng mga mata mo. Ramdam ko ang kalungkutan mo. I sat in front of you. It was awkward and the silence was eerie. Hindi ako sanay na tahimik ka pero wala pa rin akong ginawa. Wala sa atin ang nagsalita. The whole time, wala akong ibang ginawa kundi ang titigan ka. Then you broke the silence. You told me na nagkaproblema kayo. Sabi mo wala kang ibang masabihan kaya sa akin ka tumakbo. "You know me so well. At alam kong ikaw lang ang makapagpapagaan ng loob ko ngayon." yan yung sinabi mo sa akin at alam ko, lahat ng iyon ay totoo. Lahat yata ng sugat mo, alam ko. Lahat ng bilang ng pagtikhim mo sa isang araw, alam ko. "I'll help you para magkaayos kayo." sabi ko. Siguro nga masokista ako. Kasi tinulungan kita kung paano kayo magkakaayos. The knives stabbed in my heart were removed and with that, it bled non-stop until I ran out of blood. We prepared a surprise for her. You brought her in a garden full of lanterns. She came. And god! She was so stunning with her floral flowy dress and bare face. Andun ako during the whole time. Sabi ko kasi sa'yo, I couldn't miss it for the man who became a special part of my life. Andun ako noong nagsorry ka. Andun ako noong nagmakaawa kang patawarin ka niya. Andun ako noong niyakap ka niya. Andun ako noong hinalikan mo siya. I was there. I was there in the corner looking at the both of you intently with tears streaming down my face. "I couldn't bear the pain. I can't lose you. Mababaliw ako. Mababaliw ako." Yan yung sinabi mo sa kanya. And somehow, those words reminded me of our good, old days. Yung mga panahong ako yung mahal mo. Ako yung nag-iisa diyan sa puso at sa buhay mo. Hanggang sa hindi ko na kinaya. I averted my gaze and looked at the ground. And there it was, the broken pieces of me lying on the floor. They were like the stars scattered on the nightsky. The only difference was that they weren't glowing. They were soaked with my tears. Once again, I had my heart broken. Nakakatawa 'no? Kasi hindi pa naghihilom yung sugat na iniwan mo, pero heto ako. I willingly offered myself to you once again for another twisted pain. Paano nga bang masasabing twisted pain iyon? Simply because you never gave me those kind of surprises. You never gave me those kind of looks you offered to her. You never treated me like a fragile glass because I had always been strong in your sight. And then my phone rang. It brought me back to my senses. It was him calling me. I received the call. Tinanong niya kung nasaan na ako at nag-aalala na siya kasi hindi pa ako nagpapakita at may usapan kami. Right then and there, I stoned at my position. Naalala kong magkikita nga sana kami kasi may ibibigay daw siya. I mentally nudged myself. Ang tanga ko. Ang tanga-tanga ko. Without saying goodbye to you, I went out of the venue. I ran at a speed limit to meet and see him. And when I reached the place, I saw him facing something big. Yes, it was really big for it was a hot air balloon. Sabi ko kasi sa kanya noon, I would love to fly it during the night para pakiramdam ko, abot ko ang langit. I took my steps to get closed to him. Tumabi ako sa kanya. He looked at me and then he flashed his boyish smile. It was worth melting, pero hindi ako natunaw. Kasi hindi siya ikaw. "Eto yung ibibigay ko sa'yo." sabi niya while flashing a cocky grin. Napaiyak ako kasi he was giving me everything I wanted just to make me happy. Agad niya akong dinaluhan kasi hindi daw bagay sa occassion ang pag-iyak ko. There I was busy preparing something that will make the man I love be at ease while he was here, busy making something that will make me feel special. I felt guilt slowly eating me up. And so I told him the truth. Sinabi ko na nakipagkita ako sa'yo. At sinabi kong walang nagbago sa nararamdaman ko. Mahal pa din kita. Bigla niya akong binitawan. Lumayo siya sa akin. I saw how his fist balled and his jaw clenched. His boyish smile vanished. Then all of a sudden, nagwala siya. Noong una natakot ako, pero kalaunan, kinalma ko din ang sarili ko. I was there watching him as he slowly break down. Hinarap niya ako, and I saw the tears running down his face. May pumiga sa puso ko. I felt sorry kasi dinamay ko pa siya sa kaguluhan ng buhay ko. "Minsan ba, naging masaya ka sa piling ko?" Tanong niya sa akin. Seeing his face made me taste the guilt. What have I done? I'm such a btch. "Oo." sagot ko. "But that happiness I felt with you wasn't fulfilling. It's not the happiness I am looking for." "Ni minsan din ba, hindi mo ako minahal? Hindi mo ba naramdaman yung pagbilis ng tibok ng puso mo pag kasama mo ako?" Hindi ako nakasagot. Hindi ako sumagot kasi ayokong mas lalo pa siyang masaktan. But little did I know, my silence worsened the situation. Nakita ko yung galit at disappointment sa mga mata niya. Sinigawan niya ako. He told me that he gave me everything he could offer just for me to love him in return. And he thought I fell for him because I could say his I love you's back. He turned his back on me but before he could disappear in my sight, he told me something. You won't be able to find someone as selfless as me. Nagsisi ako ko dahil sa kagagahan ko, nadamay pa ang ibang tao. It was like cancer cells were slowly dominating my body. It was late to discover that's why chemo therapies weren't enough to heal me. And what happened next? I died. I was just so impulsive and so eager to move on back then that's why I accepted him. Ako lang dapat yung nagdurusa. But I dragged him into my misery without our knowledge. Galit siya. He was raging mad. I said sorry numerous times. Lagi ko siyang inaabangan makapagsorry lang pero itinuring niya ako bilang isang hangin. Wala lang. Hindi niya nakikita. I know my sorries weren't enough. They couldn't help in taking away the pain. They won't ease the agony. But still, I took my chances. Even if it's just the littlest thing I could do for him, I still did. Pinapatay ako ng konsensya ko until it reached to the point wherein my depression doubled. He was the one who helped me when I was at my downfall. While me? I became the reason for his downfall. Sa kagustuhan kong makausad, mas lalo lang tumagal yung lakad ko kasi mabigat ang pasan ko. Now I know what Atlas is feeling for carrying the whole world by himself. And somehow, I wished somebody could light it up. At nangyari ang kinatatakutan ko. Nasira ang friendship namin. I kept on hoping for you to comeback the same time I wished for our friendship to find its way home. But who am I fooling anyway? It costs a water not to stop a coal from burning and a flame not to stop a water from freezing. Sa madaling salita, imposible. Then one day, I saw him with another girl. He was so happy. She could make him laugh his heart out at the same time, she could make his temper boil. That's her effect on him. Doon ko napagtanto that he found someone whom can share the mutual feelings with, something I wasn't able to give him. Nagpakita ako sa kanila, and I saw that his rage for me hasn't subsided yet. That's when I knew that his anger for me became a way for him to move on. Because of it, he found his match and he was moving forward. And I was happy for him. But I felt a pang of pain inside me. He was happily moving forward, while me, I was still stucked. Stucked with the unreachable and destructive idea of us. And I envied him for finally getting over me. And so I told myself, kung nakapag-move on siya dahil sa galit niya sa akin, then it means kaya ko din. Kasi yung damage na iniwan ko, mas maliit kumpara sa damage na iniwan mo sa akin. So I did it. I recalled all of your flaws and your mistakes. Those times wherein you weren't able to fulfill your promises. Those moments wherein you always come one hour later than the agreed time. I refreshed my mind with your shortcomings. Those times wherein you forgot all of our special occasions. Those times wherein you ditched me just to be with your friends. Kahit hindi ko kaya, pinilit ko ang sarili ko na magalit sa iyo. Hindi ako nagreply sa mga text mo para mas mapadali yung proseso. Dumagdag pa sa kagustuhan kong iyon ang nakita kong bagong upload mo na picture niya holding a huge and fluffy teddy bear. You never gave me such gifts. You were all into sweet words and messages. You were always into asking me out instead of buying me material gifts. And then I remembered, you know that I am not into material gifts. Kahit na anong pilit mo noon o tanong mo kung ano ang gusto kong regalo, I declined all of them. And that's where I regret a little. Maybe a little? Cause there were no material things inside my room that would remind me of you. My notebook which was filled with your hand writings and your names is nowhere to be found. My cellphone which was filled with your sweet messages from the day we first became official and pictures and videos of us, I left it in the cab dahil sa pagmamadali ko noon due to heavy rain. At ang cellphone na gamit ko ngayon? Wala lang. Ang tanging nandito lang ay ang messages mo noong nag-aaway tayo. Yung pangalan mo sa call log ko noong naghiwalay tayo. The tissues we used to doodle sa Mcdo, lahat ng yon iniiwan natin sa tray o di kaya ay itinatapon. Ang nasa kwarto ko lang, mga tissues na ginamit ko sa gabi-gabing pag-iyak ko. Sana. Sana. Sana kahit papaano, may masasayang bakas ka man lang sa kwarto ko. Pero wala. None. All that's left were memories. And then fear crept inside me. I saw the happiness in your eyes. Natakot ako na baka mas magagandang memories ang ibigay niya sa iyo. I was so afraid that you'd forget about me. I was so afraid that in the end, all of the times we've shared will only be remembered by me. Only me. Baka sa huli, yung mga ala-ala nating dalawa, hindi mo na maalala. And then one thing made me realize something deeper. Yung mga pagkukulang mo sa akin, yung mga pagkakamali mo, yung mga imperfections mo, lahat ng yon ang mas nagpatibay sa pagmamahal ko sa'yo. How can I forget you when all of the pain you've caused and all of the troubles you've brought made me love you even harder? How can I do that when all of the things I've laid to finally move forward held me intact to my place of loving you? And so I failed. I failed bigtime. Napagtanto ko na kahit gaano kalaki o kaliit ang damage na naiiwan ng isang tao, lahat ng yun pare-pareho lang. They are all damages left after a calamity. And then my friends approached me. They told me that they knew what happened based from observations. I told them my reason for not telling them. Pinagmumura nila ako. Nakatanggap ako ng sampal.  "Baka sakaling mahimasmasan at magising ka sa lahat ng kagagahan mo." Yan yung sinabi nila. They told me that not because they showed how much they disliked you for me doesn't mean they didn't support us. Of course they were thankful for you gave me happiness and that you were there when they weren't around. May kaunting pait akong nalasahan noong sinabi nilang gago ka dahil iniwan mo ako. But then again, at the end of the day, nagkahiwalay man tayo o hindi, they'd still be there for me. We're friends and friends won't leave your back. Sa huli, bumalik kami sa dati. Gumala. Nagparty. Nag out of town. Lahat-lahat ng dati naming ginagawa. Unti-unti, bumalik ang lahat sa dati. It wasn't a full recovery but somehow, may improvement. Because of that, I went back to my tracks. Inalala ko lahat sa akin. Sabi ko hindi pa naman huli hindi ba? It was just but too late for me to realize what I needed to do. Move on. And this time, I'll do it slowly. Nanamnamin ko lahat ng proseso. Lahat ng sakit. That's where I've started to see the break up at a different perspective, at a lighter side. I took that as a stepping stone for me to move on. Ginawa ko lahat ng mga bagay na naging hobbies ko noong tayo. Yung mga bagay na naging dahilan ng pag-aaway natin dahil nagseselos ka kuno. I did all of them not because I wanted you to see me and stop me from doing them all over again. I did them because they made me feel so free. Pinuntahan ko mga paborito nating kainan. I reminisced everything. What I did? I wrote the tissues with the things we used to do and the things I felt that time when you've decide to call it quits. And like how we usually do, I left the tissues in the tray or threw them in the bin. Namasyal ako sa mga lugar na pinagdalhan mo sa akin. Of course a tear would escape every now and then but minutes later, I'll laugh because of the silly accidents we both indulged ourselves to on our dates. And then I started doing things I should have done back then. My circle of friends grew larger. Maraming magagandang ala-ala ang nangyari. Of course I hoped that I was with you. Hindi mawawala iyon. At times inalala pa din kita. Kung kumusta ka na. Ano na ang nangyari? Doon ko nalaman that that was what really moving on means. Akala ko kasi dati hindi ko kaya kasi sobrang lakas ng impact mo sa akin. Hindi pala. Hindi sa hindi ko kayang mag-move on. Ayoko lang mag-move on. Natakot akong mag-move on kasi baka dumating sa point na bigla kang bumalik tapos wala ka ng babalikan kasi hindi na kita mahal. That's what held me in. And now I've let go of that. And yes. At those times, though I was in the process, I admit that I still loved you. Hindi ganun kadaling kalimutan ka at oo, mahal pa rin kita. But I accepted my fate. There was no future for us. And then one day you showed at my doorstep, holding a bouquet of roses. Nabigla ako. "What do you need?" I asked you and there was no hint of coldness in my voice. You smiled shyly. You even held your nape. Natawa ako kasi for the first time, nahiya ka. I motioned you to come in. We were happily talking then. Nagkamustahan tayo. You asked me if ano yung mga ginagawa ko lately. Nagkwento ako nang nagkwento. And then it was my turn to ask you questions. I asked you how it was for you and you said you're good. "Eh kayo, kumusta?" I asked out of the blue. I wanna know how happy you are cause somehow, concern pa rin ako sa'yo. I wanna know. I just freaking wanna know. Natahimik ka bigla. Sumeryoso ka.  "Wala na kami." you answered curtly. Nabigla ako, of course. Kasi why would you break up when I saw how the two of you managed to bring your relationship to cloud nine. Then I saw how your eyes started to water. You told me everything. And when I say everything, yung dahilan mo kung bakit ka nakipaghiwalay sa akin at nagsisisi ka kasi iniwan mo ako. Hindi ako nakapagsalita pero naramdaman ko ang pangingilid ng nga luha ko. "I started looking for you after that day we made a surprise for her. Bigla ka na lang kasing nawala. I wanna thank you for the help." pagsisimula mo. "Pero hindi kuta nakita eh. And then naramdaman ko na lang na parang binibiyak ang puso ko. Damn! Masakit. Halos hindi ako makahinga. "I don't get it." sabi ko. Oo, hindi ko maintindihan. Wala akong maintindihan. "It dawned on me, baby. That time na sinabi kong hindi ko siya kayang mawala, mukha mo yung nakita ko. Tawa mo yung narinig ko. Tibok ng puso mo yung naramdaman ko." You told me that you even followed me sa mga lakad ko. Nagtago ka para lang masundan ako. You said you saw how happy I was and that I should have been sharing those happiness with you. With me, you felt whole and free and genuine and happy. "Naging tanga ako. Nabulag ako. All this time, ikaw yung mahal ko. Fck! Ikaw lang ang mahal ko. And I'm sorry that I took you for granted." You pleadingly told me. Kaya noong nakapag-isip-isip ka, hiniwalayan mo siya para sa akin. "Take me back, baby. I'm begging. I'll make it up for our lost love and lost time. Just take me back." you added. Masaya ako. Sobrang saya ko noon. You don't know how much I waited for that time to happen and it did really happen. You came back. And you keep on coming back. But it's too late, now. Oo, mahal kita. Mahal na mahal kita. Pero kasi, may mahal na akong iba. At sa proseso ng pagmomove-on ko, mas minahal ko siya. Ang sarili ko.

[dailyiyozane]

Daily Iyo Thoughts Until There’s More Fan Content In The Queue #21

Imagine if Iyozane felt more about their parents after coming back to life and having to pay taxes than they did back when they lived in the palace.