#damn you autism making me sleep with my baby blanket

[gently-decaying-flowers]

it’s so warm in this fucking room i’m going to perish

[curiousskelekitty]

Hey, I'm sleep deprived and blasted on weed, let's see the reasons why I think I'm autistic

I'm awakemd super from a super high nap. And it's by the smoke and smell of incenst and can't get back to sleep until incest was out and fan on

Eye contact? Either really focused on making it and not listening or focused on conversation and eyes Drifting away

Say exact same way of hello at job

And other things

Sensitive to wet and cold so much that made it part of her image

Staying awake to make this list

Even though I'm supe r high and running on 3 hors sleep, latte, and pizza and 4 hb eggs

Adhd 

Special interest in pokemon most of 26 year life

Creative

And loves child things like video game sand toys, special plush toys

And weird sex too

Like even when child me MASTURBAGED WITHOUT KNOW WHAT IT WAS

sorry tmi 

Holy ahky I discovered something abot me that I didn't know

Wow

Anyways

Loves reading

And loud music during loud lunch during hs

Sensitive to loud noises like toilet as child

An dlole sonic

Oh shit

It late

Waited blanket for win! Special as adult

Fighting slep to write this once again

Super shy

Talked in labg with sister when 

Adhd

Goes to speech therapy 

Because I don't talk

Or maybe lisp

Idk

Imaginary friends until second grade

First friend grade younger 

No friends in my grade until MIDLE SCHOOL

I think

Sorry no remember 

This list loooooong

Writing still very clean

Nose so dry

Oh shkt Don her 

He didn't say anything about me being up

I'm supposed to be asleep

Sh

lol

Argue with my self 

Like all the time

I even fight with my ocs

lol

Autism brain go

Special cartoon likeys 

Just explained idea for video for YouTube to boo and we might collaborate

My mouth so drunk 

Suuuuuper sensitive to socks on feet at night! Even in winter

But can't walk out iputaide without shoes 

Can feel EVERYTHKNG 

Loves swimming

BUT NOT RAIN

RAIN MAKE USBWEY

sinuses dry as hell  I can feel the air coming in my nose and down my throat

Hereditary 

Also likes anime and furries

Has phases of certain likes or Dislikes

Like love reading but then don't love reading

Hating spicy for most of life

But finding a love from some as long as there's flavors 

Mexico is so pretty

Making list like this

All the time

Will hypet focus on certain things for maybe a week

And it goes in curses 

Ow though hurt for typing 

Do stretches kids

Never admitted to watching porn whe her life insists of romances 

Daydreamer

Ever since litter

First lover

Cucumber Larry

When he gets suck on by giat alien ad hero

That turned me on

AS A KID IN CHURCH

not even four years old

wft

This might be really revealing about me and my life

…

Okay

This Is where I add more to the title of this video

To warn me of the dangers

Of whatever the fuck I'm on

Could probably make this list over 200 points 

Listn3s to music at night 

Might be slightly dyslexic 

Swimming

Vocal Stimson

When found out about stimming

Showed more stimming

So mad

Just took like 1 min to fix stimmong to swimming 

Make little songs whole life

Wow hide in DC bathroom. And sing sad songs to my self

Don't really to that anymore

Ah shit it's late

I need to pee

Sleeps with toys still

Like stuffed animals

Once could not fall sleep until Carla into toybox

Only woke up because got hot

BISEXUAL AD FUCK

when I was little I was looking g in the mirror and ask if I was more otm boy or girly Gil and decided I was in the middle

If that not nonbinary as FUCK than what is

Thinking g about if the video went famous and FIL saw and reacted

Whole family know

Please be warned 

Really sensitive about certain flavores in certain tempt

Those might go on Tumblr though

Incous make a lookout of people laugh 

And no one would know

Damn thos list loomg

STRETCH TIME

often godb what if whole world kno

I could go on and on

But I think I will conclude here 

Thank you everyone for reading

Good night

LoL

You wish

I'm very empathic

I forget words all the time

Especially with age

Always had bad memory

Selective hearing

Forms who they are around eho they with

But my baby let me be me❤️

Sinsirve tk sounds

I'm probably going to talk to my therapist about this list next week

Realized made horrible ablist joke in my head and realized it and was like tf why

Intrusive thoughts

Holly fuck

I can do this

And this

And

This 

So easily 

I love animals 

Dep3ndent and independent at the same time

Anxiety 

Depression 

I'm still making the list dumbadd

My bad

Too much of a topical thing like lotion makes me feel icky 

Hated mosquitoe spray because of sticky residue and smell

Hayes perfume

Sensitive to some smells, like perfume

Body pray okay tho

And candles

Loves sweets

LOVES TO READ

Can't focus on reading

Super aware of body

Hates being touched unexpected or by stranger

Said loved all colors and didn't have official favorite color until like first grade because didn't want to hurt other colors favorite

Still doesn't have least favorite color

"Lazy"

But I'm not suppsoes to coll me that

Realistic

Made day dreams befo3e bed every night

Had one going on for about a month

Googles everything 

Okay I'll go to 200

Then I'll go to sleep

Lover of computers when little

Still love them

Have several unwritten stories to tell, including like three books and three or more wannabe books

Wrote toriko slitty fanfiction church

Drew a the time

Sonic the hedged hog fan

Loves pun so much

Made up "Copper later" for funny goodbye

Lives all her sisters

And all bet peanut

Hates pumpkin guts and still hate the feeling of them

Picky eater

May13b first 2023

Special interest in music

Went into band for school ad a trumpet and played for most of life until high school graduates but was never good at it.

That sucks

I could've learned how to song better

Now that I realize my voice is good and can be better

Hates needles 

Squeamish 

Spiritual 

Loves crystals Spiritually

Believes in a carefree, unknowing god

Two more to go

AUTISM BLAST

Weird obsession with sex since really little

Oh shkt

Just remembered something

That I never told anyone! Fucm 

I won't tell you guys

Never

Okay 

Good night

I love you

[willowwisk]

Heyy, you said it's ok to give you prompts?

Can you write a destiel fake/pretend relationship maybe? (Any setting works except HS please) You don't have to, of course.

And could you add me to the taglist?

Thank you, have a good day/night!!

AHH! yes of course!  the fic is below the cut. its an au where dean needs to bring a date home for new years.

God. Damn. his father. that son of a bitch. All last year he dragged dean to bring a girl home for the holidays. all week it was “ooh dean, maybe you'll have a girl next year, ooh dean, when re we gonna get to see your girlfriend” what a tool.

but this year he finally stopped and thought. what if he DID bring someone home. stopped the annoying passive aggressive comments? easy. but who could he convince to fake date him?

that was where he hit a wall. No, really. he ran into the wall in the hallway of his dorm. shit. he needs to learn to think AND walk.

“What the fuck was that noise?” he heard from deep inside their studio dorm. “CAS!” he yelled, opening the plywood-esk door. “you’re a genius! I could just kiss you!” dean shrieked, hugging Cas. he would have no problem getting Castiel to relent to his idiotic plan.

“what, dean?” Castiel asked, slightly confused. “ok, so you know that Ryan Reynolds movie?” dean asked, knowing that cas would have no problem remembering every Reynolds movie to exist ever, the man was a wet dream.

“you are going to have to be more specific dean” cas added, becoming a little frustrated. “Sandra Bullock. Alaska.” Dean said. 

“OH, you mean the Proposal? we watched it last month, right? We saw Ryan’s ass?” Cas realized. dean laughed. leave it to cas to remember that. but yea. that's the one. 

once he explained to cas his little predicament and promised him he wasn't going to make him go to Alaska in December, they were packing their bags.

“WOAH cas if you put that in your bag I swear to god,” dean yelled, looking into cas’ duffle bag. the man was folding a Las Vegas raiders hoodie, and dean would not stand for that. 

“what the fuck dean, you know this is my favorite sweatshirt!” he said in his gravelly, back off voice. Cas really had no idea did he. “Cas, you realize we are going to Kansas, right? that's chiefs’ country. if you wear a raiders hoodie anywhere NEAR Kansas, they will shoot you point blank! not to mention my father,” dean said, trailing off.

Dean handed Cas a spare chiefs hoodie from their shared mini closet. “here wear this, I'm your size and you will get a better reaction from the entire state.

cas was shaking his head but he begrudgingly put it in his bag.

and soon enough, they were off! the plane ride was a little turbulent, so of course dean thought he was going to die the entire time. 

when they finally got on the ground, John, Mary and Sam where all there to greet him. Now, dean had told his family he was bringing home a date, but he didn’t specify the gender. they all knew he was bi; he was 20 and a sophomore in college, he was not planning on staying in the closet forever. However, his father elected to ignore that.

he was super excited to see Sam. when he was home for fall break, sam was sick in the hospital with the flu, and he was never really around the whole week. now he was better, and seemingly even taller.

 “whats up bitch!” dean called out, giving him an epic noogie. “Deeeeaaaannnnnn! You’re such a jerk!” sam said, only giving dean more gusto.

“Dean! Sam! Quit it. We are in public.” John said, rearing his ugly head and ruining the fun. “Yes Sir.” The boys said in unison, making cas cringe.

“Dean, who is this young man?” Mary asked, gesturing towards cas and breaking the awkward silence that comes after you yell at your 20-year-old son.

Dean tool a deep breath, looked at Cas and told them that he was his boyfriend. Sam shook his hand, Mary said, “oh, alright! Hop in the car and we can head home” and john said, well, predictably, nothing. He just got in the car and drove home.

When they pulled up at Deans childhood home, it looked exactly as it did when he comes every year. Nothing seems to have changed except Sam’s room since dean was born. “dean, can you take yours and Castiels bags to your room?” mary asked, unlocking the door. Dean had already assured cas that he had had bunk beds in his room since he was 12, and that there was no need to worry about sharing one bed.

Until he walked into his room. If you could even call it that anymore. His black walls? They were now a light shade of baby blue. His music posters? Gone. Replaced by Ikea paintings of bridges and shit. And the worst part, instead of his bunk beds tucked into a corner of the room, there was one big queen-sized bed.

Dean threw the bags onto the bed and yelled “MOOOOOOM!!!!” downstairs he could hear a quiet exchange and a “shit!” before he heard his mom running up the stairs. She had a lot of explaining to do.

After explaining why his room had been butchered and replaced by that Martha Stewart crap, everyone was exhausted. Their flight had come in at 10pm, ad they lived an hour from the airport.

Cas was in the bed, and dean was on a blanket on the floor. Ouch. But that’s when all hell broke loose.

There was a sputter, sputter, CLANK across the house in the wee hours of the night. Everyone was asleep except dean, and he KNEW that sound. The fucking heater had gone out. On December 22nd. In Kansas. F U C K.

Dean lay shivering on the floor, when cas screamed in his sleep. Now dean felt extra bad. He was used to cas’s  tears and whimpers in the night, since they were roommates, but he knew that straight up screams were really bad. Cas had nightmares and PTSD, like, bad. He grew up in an abusive household, and being the youngest sibling of 8, he was everyone’s favorite punching bag.

Dean knew the nightmares circled around that, but he never knew details. After waking cas a lot in his freshman year, dean finally learned that if you wake him up, its really hard for him to go  back to sleep, so cas told him to just let him ride them out.

In the middle of deans thought, cas screamed again, mixed with a chocked back sob. “no, don’t hurt him- no! NO! don’t hurt dean no no no no!!” cas whimpered.

At this point, dean was planning intervention. This seemed way worse than normal, it felt more like a PTSD dream than a normal nightmare. He needed to get cas awake, and now.

Dean hopped up onto the bed and grabbed cas’ face in his hands. “cas buddy, wake up, your safe, I’m here. CAS” dean yelps, trying to wake his friend up.

All of the sudden, cas’ eyes pop open, and! He begins to have a panic attack. But that’s fine. Dean knows panic attacks. They follow their 5 things you can touch, smell, and see procedure, and by the last touch, cas has almost calmed all the way down.

“Cas, what is the fifth solid thing you can touch?” dean asks, praying that cas has calmed down.

Cas reached out and touched deans almost frozen lips. He points at dean.  Cas then notices how cold dean is. He points at dean and puts his arms up in a ‘shivering’ gesture. Ok. So cas is going to be nonverbal tonight. Good to know. That one will be hard to explain.\

Its was also important to mention that cas had autism. He was a confusing little gay disaster that dean was somehow incredibly dependent on.

Cas had lifted his blankets and was gesturing that dean come and get in the bed, to warm up.

Dean was reluctant, but he was just so cold. So he relented.

“I hope you know im getting out as soon as the heat turns back on.” Dean said, crawling into bed.

He pressed his back to castiel's chest, effectively becoming the little spoon. Maybe this fake dating thing wouldn’t be so bad.

They had lost so many hours last night, that when the door opened in the morning, they were still asleep. “boys” mary said in a quiet voice.

This jolted dean awake, who was famously a very light sleeper, only to discover he and cas were even more entwined than before. He was now facing cas, and they were basically hugging horizontally.

“the heater is out ma” dean whispered, trying to not wake cas.

“dean, the heater came back on not two hours after it went out”

 oh my god this was so fun to write, sorry i went off of your prompt a little, i really was afraid it was going to turn into a 100k fic lol and i write wherever the plot bunny takes me.

[sunsetcarnation264]

For the media ask game

I know how much you love gushing about your f/o’s

So I’ll give you a 10! (Gush Pass)

Screw my insecurities doubting me haha

hjkfhjksadhlds aww XD It’s fine lmao you could choose anything so BUT GUSHING PASS EH? Wise choice there XD Or maybe unwise, idk but prepare yourself for a possibly long ass answer ahem ENTRAPTA? She’s fucking sweet, she maybe a lil crazy but that’s part of what I love about her! I wouldn’t mind making miniature foods for her as she’s working on something and put her to bed before she pulls an all-nighter because while I don’t wanna disturb her as she’s working, I care about her too much to let her fall asleep as she’s working! As someone who’s gotten so into something I don’t realize it’s been like what, five hours later since then, bc hey autism be like that, I know what it’s like so just wanna take care of her and everything <3 DOUBLE TROUBLE? They’re fucking amazing! They could shapeshift into anything and I think that’s so fucking cool, who says you could be that cool you gorgeous dramatic being? I wish I could have those abilities because A) okay how could any enby not want that ability? We’d be able to look however the fuck we want and plus we’d get to easily see how we’d feel about having this type of look and it would be great! B) imagine being able to shapeshift with them and be fucking dramatic together and whatnot??? Fucking yes I want that why can’t we have that- JULIA? Pretty, vry gorgeous, don’t even need to be in her house all day to do her makeup just for me to compliment the fucking hell outta her because she’s sweet and pretty as it is with her being a peacock looking ostrich and if you assume I don’t smother her with love and compliments (similarly to my other F/Os) then you are a clown for thinking that XD KYOKO KIRIGIRI? Best detective, smart as fucking hell, love her, if I die I’m letting her investigate my death because look who wouldn’t want their Ultimate Detective girlfriend do that? I mean I feel bad for her because damn it’s gonna hurt, but I want her to know what happened to me, who killed me, and y’know have some closure while bringing justice to my killer. Also fucking love her did I mention that already- CHIAKI NANAMI? Amazing sweetheart, great gamer, would play video games with her and if she falls asleep on me while we do so I’m putting a blanket over her so she’s warm at least and I’ll be next to her as she sleeps because god she’s adorable and I figure she’d appreciate the company and she does and AAAA THE CONDUCTOR? I don’t care if he stabs me I’ll still tell him I love him, along with him saying to get me ugly mug outta here and not see him again, even tho he’s kinder with me, because honestly I’d still say thank you and I love you which I already have lmao. Love how passionate he is about his train The Owl Express and I wouldn’t mind listening to him for hours on end. Will I process and remember all of the information? Probably not but look I’m trying aight MARCY WU? She’s a smart baby but also clumsy, gotta keep an eye on her because I don’t want her to get hurt. Maybe she’ll fall and end up in my arms instead because y’know, she’d fall for me? Haha okay no that was terrible I’ma stop- FUTABA SAKURA? Autistic sweetheart, don’t mind her clinging onto me in public. Staying close to her at all times because I don’t like seeing her have a breakdown sahdfkjlfhkds I mean she’s working on it and highkey supporting her. Also take her shopping for the best tech related shit because she deserves the best and plus I mean what genius like her wouldn’t want the best of the best I could get her? Not that I’m fucking rich tho hjadfsklhsdk- COCO BANDICOOT? Smart but goofy child, love her, will play games with her as well. Personally I think her beach outfit from CTR Nitro Fueled is the best one for her aside from her casual everyday outfit. I MEAN LOOK AT HER SHE’S FUCKING CUTE ALRIGHT I COULD TAKE HER TO THE BEACH AND MAKE SANDCASTLES WITH HER AND- FOXY FROM HARVEST TOWN? Sly lil vixen, wouldn’t mind letting her trick me once or twice because damn if I get to see her pretty face and hear her voice then look I don’t care aight XD But also her purrs and her eyes? Yes I love it all, every fucking bit of her. I always go to the market every day in the game just to say hi and ily and, if I have it, give her some cherry juice bc I know she loves that a lot bc rn I can’t access her favorite things hfkjklas I’d go on but this is long enough and I don’t wanna repeat myself XD All of them make me happy stim just flapping my hands so yee got my happy stimming in today lmao, now if I can only remember to actually take my meds hasdfkjhlas which speaking of take yo meds if you haven’t today y’all, not taking yo meds ain’t great and you might feel like shit the next day so plz do so fgadskjlhf Plus I gotta make playlists for everyone here since I only got Coco’s, Foxy’s, and The Conductor’s playlists done so far which I wouldn’t mind more but still lmao

[fantastic-fantasy-fanfics]

STRENGTH, COURAGE, AND PATIENCE

Request by Anonymous: Hello! I saw fanfic where the reader had autism and I just wanted to ask, could t you do a fanfic where you and Bucky have a son with very bad autism and you have to deal with it, like when Bucky is out on missions how you head with it alone and just something really fluffy? I'd really appreciate it thank you! ( by the way I say bitchy-tacos post about you two being a two for one deal and you guys totally are, bitchy-tacos is like that snarky mean friends and your the cute and collected) 😘

A/N: First off: adorable fic idea, that you for the request (and sorry it took forever and a half to write) second: thank you for the good laugh!  Third: I tried REALLY hard not to offend anyone!  If there is something accidentally offensive in this fic, please let me know so I can fix it!

Dad!Bucky x reader

Word count:

Summary: You and Bucky LOVE your son!  Autism and all!  But, can you take care of him all by yourself without blowing a fuse while Bucky’s out on a mission?

Warnings: swearing,  mention of meltdowns, Autism?  Idk if that’s really a warning

(GIF not mine)

Your family was not a typical one.  Your husband, Bucky, is a hundred-year-old retired assassin and you’re a highly trained agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.  Even the circumstances under which you met were weird!  Who knew you could meet someone at a bomb-diffusing class and end up marrying them?  The most normal one in your family was your and Bucky’s son, Noah.

Noah was not a typical child.  Noah had Autism.  Now, that didn’t mean he was weird, it just meant he was different.  You and Bucky love that little kid to death!

When Noah was diagnosed with Autism, Bucky wanted to make sure he was completely comfortable in your apartment.  He got special lights so they weren’t as bright, he got weighted blankets and stuffed animals for Noah, he got some touch-and-feel books for him, noise canceling headphones, and even got special window covers for Noah’s bedroom.  

Once Noah turned three, you enrolled him into one of the best special education schools you could possibly find.  Eventually, Noah’s seventh birthday rolled around and you got him a therapy/service dog.  Noah loved his fuzzy, Labrador friend!  Noah affectionately named him ‘Buddy’.

You, Bucky, and Buddy made a great team when it came to taking care of Noah and making sure he was happy and healthy.  Buddy was always home to give Noah some consistency, and when you and Bucky weren't unavailable to take care of Noah because of missions or training, Natasha and Wanda would take care of him.  Overall, it was a great tag-team system.  Noah was always with at least two adults.  Well… that was until this morning…

“A month?!” you gasped, trying not to yell and scare Noah, who was playing in the other room, “Oh please tell me either Nat or Wanda is staying here…”.  Bucky just looked at you with an apologetic smile.  “James...” you groaned, flopping back onto the couch.

“It’s only for a few weeks!  B-but Tony and Clint will still be here…”

“James… do you really trust those two to take care of our child?”.  Bucky didn’t answer.  “I didn’t think so,”.

“But (Y/N), I can’t stay here!  Almost the entire team has to go undercover in Europe-”

“Wait, so you’re not even going to be able to contact us?!”

“W-well… I’m not being completely cut off-” you interrupted him.

“James, I love Noah with all my heart and soul, and you know I would do anything for him, but I don’t know if I can do this by myself!” you cried, trying not to sound whiney as you got up and paced around the kitchen.  Biting your lip, you turned to him again.  “James I’m not a good enough parent to do this by myself, I can’t take care of Noah properly without someone else here!  What if something happens?”

“Nothing will happen, you know how to take care of him and you know damn well you’re strong enough to do this yourself,” he retorted.

Taking a deep breath to calm down, Bucky took your hands in his.  “(Y/N), you are a good parent, that’s why I know you and Noah will be fine,” he said, kissing your forehead.

“Oh… alright… but after thirty days is up, your sorry ass better be home!”

You were not ready for this in the slightest.  And apparently, neither was Noah.  Bucky leaving was such a huge, sudden change, Noah lost it.  He was crying and calling for his dad to come back and not leave.  It got so bad he started shaking and making nonsense noises.  You felt so bad for the little guy.  Luckily, after a few days, Noah calmed down and wasn’t so melancholy about his dad leaving.

After about a week, you were able to get a good schedule going.  At seven AM, you’d get Noah up, dressed and fed.  Then you'd walk Buddy with him and get Noah to school by eight.  After that, you'd have get to work by eight thirty and get as much done as humanly possible.  At three,  you'd pick Noah up from school and take him to therapy appointment at three thirty.  While he was there, you'd pick up groceries and/or laundry then pick up Noah at five.  You'd get home by six, fix dinner, help Noah with homework, put him to bed by nine, then get more work done.  And if you were lucky, you'd be in bed around one in the morning.  Needless to say, you were tired 24/7.

By the third week of this hectic schedule, you were ready to swallow your pride and hesitation and ask Tony and Clint for help.

You walked Noah down the halls of Stark Tower, letting him go his own pace and look at all the stuff he found interesting.  It was pretty funny, actually.  His father was the Winter Soldier, his uncle/godfather was Captain America, his godmother was Natasha but he was absolutely obsessed with Iron Man and his "radical", as Noah put it, inventions.

Noah carried around his little-stuffed giraffe as he wore his headphones and watched one of Tony’s machines from behind the plexiglass wall.  “What’s that one doing mommy?” he asked, pointing to the assembly line contraption.

“That one is painting the cyborg armor, see the colored paint it’s spraying?” he answered, picking him up and showing him how the metal was being covered in red paint.

“(Y/N)?” Tony called from behind you, making you jump.

“Oh, Tony, it’s you,” you breathed a sigh of relief, setting Noah back on the floor and taking his hand.  “Tony I need your help, I can’t keep up with Noah’s schedule alone,” you continued, trying not to cry out of frustration and embarrassment, “I’m tired, I’m frustrated, I feel like my brain is oozing out of my ears… I can’t do this…”.

Tony gave a hum in acknowledgment as he lead you to a little office where you and Noah could sit down.  “If you want, I could give you the rest of the week off, just until Buck gets back home,” he offered, handing Noah a sucker from the candy bowl on the desk, “and, if you’d like, I can send over another Agent to help you, one that specializes in child care and rescue,”.

“Would you?  That would be so helpful!” you sighed, shaking his hand, “that’s very much appreciated,”.  You were so happy!  Not only would your schedule be a little looser, but Clint and Tony would not be the ones taking care of your child.

Once work was off your schedule, it was a lot easier to juggle your daily to-do list.  It was still hectic, but at least you got more sleep.  The agent Tony sent over, Jo, was an amazing guy!  Noah was a bit wary of him at first since he was a new person.  But Jo was so patient and kind, he was a big help!  As a thank you for all his help, you cooked him a nice dinner at the end of the week.  Noah even made a drawing for him.

   It was Friday night and Jo had just left to go home after post-dinner coffee.  Noah was showing signs of tiredness, so you got him and Buddy ready for bed.  You kissed him on the forehead, gave Buddy a few pats on the head, and left to go finish up some paperwork in the bedroom.

A few minutes into your work, you felt familiar, strong arms wrap around your shoulders.  “Hey doll,” Bucky whispered, kissing your neck softly.  With a big smile, you got up and turned around to hug him tightly.

“Hey baby, welcome home,” you greeted, kissing his cheek, “you hungry?  I’ve still got some stew on the stove,”

“No, I’m okay, but thank you,” he smiled, setting his duffle bag down by the dresser, “who was that guy I saw leaving the apartment?”

That may have seemed a little suspicious, but you knew Bucky trusted you.  “Oh, that was Jo, he’s been helping me take care of Noah these past few days,” you answered, sitting down on the bed and stretching out a bit.

“Oh yeah!  He came on one of our missions a couple months ago,” he remembered, taking off his shoes then sitting down with you.

   “James… does it make me a bad mother that I had to ask for help to take care of my own son?” you asked abruptly.

   Bucky’s eyes went wide as he looked at you.  You?  A bad mother?  Only in some bizarro alternate universe would that make sense.  “What?  No no no no!” he tutted, wrapping you in his arms, “not at all, sweetheart!”

   “Then how come I feel so bad?” you whimpered, shedding a few tears.

   Bucky saw how guilty you felt, and he didn’t like the sight of it.  “(Y/N), look at me,” he instructed, turning your face so he could look you in the eye, “it takes a lot, and I mean A LOT, of energy to be a parent, especially with a child who has special needs.  You tried your best to take care of him on your own, and when you couldn’t, you asked for help.  Instead of keeping your ego and putting you and your child at risk, you asked for help so our son would be well taken care of.  You were thinking of your son and putting him first, that's what good mothers do,”

You gave a small smile at his words.  You hadn’t thought of it that way.

“Both you and Noah have an abundance of strength, courage, and patience, and I couldn’t be more proud of you,”.

A/N: alright, hopefully I didn’t completely screw this up

TAGLIST:

@paranoid-borderline-insane @buckyshattergirl @bitchy-tacos

[witchofenoch]

Personal post. Content warnings: PTSD, depression, anxiety, self-hatred, self-doubt, frustration, miscarriage, infertility, gender issues, trans issues, emotional abuse, childhood abuse, nightmares, insomnia, prostitution mentioned but didn't occur, childhood sexual abuse alluded to, physical abuse implied

Writing the warnings is so tiring I usually discard the post before I even finish with them. Nothing's getting better or easier tonight though. I just want to read until I fall asleep and have decent dreams and wake up feeling human. Instead I'm wide awake at midnight, chest full to bursting with frustration and anger and grief and fear.

I'm frustrated with so much, it's a shorter list by far of what isn't frustrating me. My biggest frustration? Myself. Not just because of my mental illnesses or autism or dysphoria or anything like that; I'm frustrated as hell at my nightmares. I want to sleep, NEED to just sleep, but I'd rather be awake for 4 straight days, pass out, repeat. I'm terrified of seeing that monster. With every nightmare he touches me more and my dream self excuses and forgives him more. Maybe some people could accept that as healing or moving on, but it's pure terror for me. What he did was completely unforgivable. He is the worst of the monsters out there. I feel like I've been hexed, like there's something attached to me that's gnawing at my soul and tearing at my mind.

I'm so damn angry. At him, absolutely, but also at the many, many adults who were around when I was a kid: who knew something was wrong and chose to ignore it: who blocked it out with no thought spared for the child going through it. The adults who blamed my mom, my sister, and me for his behavior. The people who took advantage of me later knowing that I knew nothing else or nothing better. The kids in high school who started rumors that I was a prostitute because he, "an old man," "picked [me] up at the bus stop" and made me "kiss him" on the lips when I was a teenager (quotes around the parts they spread through about half of the school, though they exaggerated the lewdness which has only fueled my nightmares since). It's been a decade and a half and my anger toward all of them hasn't eased: mostly it's gotten worse. I look at the kids my sister nannies, friends' kids, celebs' kids, and I cannot fathom someone hurting them. I'm angry at being left alone to grieve every loss in my life, being told to "get over it" or being flat-out ignored until I could "get it together" long enough to fake being okay. I'm angry at the would-have-been fathers for making me suffer in silence. (One didn't and we're friends to this day. He deserves to be mentioned.)

I'm grieving. I'm mourning the kid I couldn't be, the me who was taken before they were made, the years I don't remember, the adult I'll never be, the freedom I'll never feel, the memories I didn't get to make. I'm mourning the years wasted trying to get someone to pay attention to me: to show me some kind, any kind, of affection. Even the high school dances I couldn't attend, first because I was in fear for my life and later because no one wanted me around. I'm grieving for the miscarriages I've had, all 7 of them, all 8 could-have-beens.

I'm afraid and it's exhausting. Flinching at every single sudden noise. My heart pounding almost as loud as the knocks on the door. Always scanning the room or courtyard or parking garage for escape routes before I notice anything else around me. Feeling physically ill for the rest of the day after I smell certain colognes, shampoos, laundry detergents. Frantically glancing around to find potential weapons when I see an Iron Maiden t-shirt on a stocky guy around my height or almost-pastel short-sleeved button up shirts with a front pocket on one side or a petite brunette wearing a mini-skirt. (Abusers come in all shapes, sizes, and genders, fyi.) Straight-up hiding behind shelves in stores or behind a rack of clothes, in bathrooms, fitting rooms, closets, a dark corner until the people who sorta look or sound like One of Them is gone. Hiding (from) my phone when I get a call from "Unknown" or just numbers I don't know. Blocking or deactivating cameras and mics in my computers, phones, and tablets because yes, I've been hacked by abusers more than once. Hiding under a blanket when I read at night because when I was a kid it was the only time I felt safe aside from when I'd climb to the top of my tree. Being unable to sleep if the door is cracked open. Startling awake at anything that sounds like a door slamming shut, a window opening, someone knocking on the door, wall, or windows. Waking up with panic for no discernable reason. Cringing at certain words. Wanting to fight someone if they call a girl, boy, or woman "babydoll," "doll face," "little girl/boy," "little one," "baby girl/boy" (if they're 5 or older), or any other infantilizing pet name because You Will Not Hurt Them.

I'm tired. So damn tired. My shoulders are sore, my hips ache, my knees throb, my wrists ache, my back aches, my head hurts, my neck is stiff and sore, my chest feels like it's in a vice, my boobs hurt, and all of that is all the time. I have scars from the back of my head to ankles. I have old injuries that'll probably never heal. I have crap wrong that I was just unlucky enough to have been born with. I have things wrong with me that doctors can't figure out, like why I've had 7 miscarriages over 11 years and not one pregnancy that lasted more than 12 weeks. Things doctors refuse to fix, like removing my boobs which constantly ache, touching certain areas causes sharp pain (they have all of that on file and diagnosed), and I can't gain and maintain a healthy weight because the dysphoria messes me up (but good luck getting good trans "counseling" and docs and a surgeon who'll "diagnose" you as trans with dysphoria AND agree to operate to make you LESS feminine in any way in Churchy McChurchville). "Insurance won't cover it." "You might regret it." "What if you decide to have kids later." (That last one is a whole other can of worms and I need all of that stuff out of me too but even at almost 30 I'm condescended and told I'll change my mind, regret it, meet a Really Nice Guy™ and want to start a family, blah blah bull.)

I've had my battles with insomnia for as long as I can remember (which, for more than bits-and-pieces, is only as far back as 14). I've had night terrors since I was an infant. I've stayed awake for almost 60 hours, and I've slept for 25 hours straight. For a while in high school I was so scared that I got an hour or two of sleep a day when my sister was home and awake but her boyfriend wasn't there. That would last 6 days out of the week. I'd crash for 10-12 hours on my mom's day off. Rinse and repeat for 2 or 3 years. I've been a homeless kid, a couch surfing teenager, and a constantly moving adult. I haven't lived in one place for more than 2 years since we left The Monster when I was a preteen. Even then, I've shuffled around from my parents' house to my sister's apartments (she moves every couple of years too) to my grandma's house before she moved into an independent living place. (It's actually nice. I was the hardest to convince.) I may have found a place to stay for a while: the area if not the apartment.

Still.. the nightmares. Waking up sideways across the bed. Waking up so tangled in my covers I start panicking trying to get out. Seeing their faces until I finally blink them away. Smelling beer or smoke as I'm finally drifting off. Night terrors. Waking up with bruises around my arms, wrists, and legs. Waking up still feeling like someone's touching me, hurting me, or breathing down my neck. My dreams can be totally mundane except A or C or, the most often and worst, The Monster will be there. When it's A or C they'll be watching me, talking to me, chasing me, fighting me, screaming at me. It's a nightmare, stressful as hell, but I recover and go about my day just a tad more on edge. The Monster will just show up and we'll act like we're trying to form a relationship, like he's gotten nice and I've been forgiving. But every time he touches me I feel so sick I'm surprised I don't wake up. My sister and sometimes others show up trying to make me stop the farce, but I'm always too scared.

This last dream, night before last.. It was boring, nothing remarkable was going on. Then The Monster showed up in a city cop's blue uniform. In that world he was apparently an actual cop. With each nightmare dream!me has let him slowly get closer and closer and had long-arm hugged him before this. He'd "accidentally" brush my arm when walking by or bump his leg against mine while sitting next to me. This time he, the cop iteration of him, reached up for something on a shelf above me and was pressed against my back. He hugged me. He had me sit almost on his lap. At first I was nauseated, then accepting of it, then my sister showed up and gave me the "wtf are you doing!?" face and I got scared. Eventually I woke up, probably when my brother-in-law left for work or maybe he came into the room to feed the fish. I'm just glad I woke up when I did and things stopped escalating.

Ugh. "2am and I'm still awake writing a song. If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of a crowd 'cause these words are my diary screaming out loud and I know that you'll use them however you want to." I don't know. Whenever I'm up late writing, or trying to write, the stuff I'm going through that song comes to mind. So much of it is relatable for me.

"May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss. 'Just today' he said down to the flask in his fist. Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year." Turning 21 in May and not being sober for months before that applies to a past abuser. The drunk in the military part applies to another. Really, every word of it applies to a rather small part of my life when a lot of connected events occurred. At least, after the first verse (about going with a friend to be there for her when she got an abortion) and "writing a song" unless you take "song" metaphorically as it's been used in literature, trope names, and poetry, and lyrics to mean story, tale, or speech (e.g., a "songbird telling his tale," swan song, "singing to the choir").

I should hop off this carousel before it opens into a drain. It's about 2:45am now. I'm just starting to feel sleepy, but I'm still as mentally awake as before. I hope getting this out helps me sleep a little better, at least for a night or so.

[fading-sunset-lillies]

I suffer with severe anxiety, depression, PTSD, and non epileptic seizures. My seizures are from my PTSD. On top of that, I also have ED. A couple years ago, I stopped eating. I would chew and spit my sweets cravings, and I’d throw up if I felt I had eaten too many calories. I worked at a very physically demanding job, it was hot (lowest temp was 85 it would peak at 105-108) and I would also run a couple miles after work. I barely ate, and lost 70 pounds in a couple months. At the time, I didn’t think it was a problem. My boyfriend left me for another woman and I NEEDED to lose weight in order to feel dateable. After my husband and I started dating he made me eat. I stared binging on almost a daily basis. I went up to 240 pounds. Now, I’m facing Anna and Mia again. My father in law died very suddenly in a freak accident (he fell two stories off a ladder and landed on his head on the concrete patio below) and it hit our family hard. I don’t have a relationship with my parents, my father was abusive, manipulative, and neglectful. He caused my PTSD. My mother left when I was 13 and has only met my 6 year old son once. We talk once every couple of months. My in laws gladly took over the role of my parents, so when my father in law died, I lost the only stable father figure I ever had. A month later, I found out the chances of my husband and I conceiving a baby will be damn near impossible. My son was a happy surprise a couple years before my husband and I got together. Here is where this blanket comes into play. This blanket weighs 20 pounds. It has a bunch of compartments filled with plastic beads and the outer cover comes off for washing. My best friend had it made for me (they usually start at $200!) as a thank you for babysitting her son at no cost. Weighted blankets help people with mental disabilities like the autism spectrum, anxiety, depression, and it can help calm people down after a seizure. It can also help with sleep quality. This blanket has been a god send. It helps me with my anxiety, I feel less jumpy and scared after a seizure, and it is so comforting when I have a depressive episode. My ability to settle at night to sleep has improved as well, I have severe insomnia and medication doesn't always help. I know stress and mental illnesses run hand in hand with ED. I suggest anyone look into either making one, or having one made to help. Having that weight on my legs at night is one of the best feelings in the world. Side note, walking around with it on my shoulders gives a good work out, along with doing squats. Stay safe my loves, and remember, you are not alone.