#did you exchange your braincells for a few more months of life

[nemurenaivoron]

examples of orange cats exhibiting the signature zero braincell orange cat behavior:

"ah yes, the entire camp is very noisy and on high alarm because of a MASSIVE FUCKING RAMPAGING DRAGON yea Imma just stay there right next to him and dissociate"

[couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name]

Hi! What is your very specific Twilight AU?

okay, so. New Moon.

party disaster, dumping her and dipping, all happens normally.

but THEN. Bella finds out she’s pregnant.

(and I know you’re thinking- pre-marital sex?!?! Edward would NEVER! but listen. I am the author now. I’ve been around Christians my whole life. shut up!)

so anyway after a million pregnancy tests and a lot of googling about vampire baby legends, Bella’s like...well this is probably gonna be a situation,

Nessie doesn’t have an insane growth rate here because I hate that, so she has a normal amount of time to prepare, and she’s very...aware that the birth is gonna be Rough at best. So she goes to Jacob

who is NOT a wolf yet but Is aware of the pack and the treaty, and they are closer friends already, and she’s like ‘hey. paranormal emergency. you’re the only person in this town who enables me. help.’

 and Jacob’s like I’m Fucking Fifteen and goes and gets Leah, since she’s technically an adult and a girl

(ms. meyer How did you make one of leah’s only 3 character traits ‘upset she’s infertile’ and then not have her support bella’s choices in breaking dawn please make it make sense)

 so they start brainstorming solutions and the best they can work with is. Bella’s gotta ride out the pregnancy in hiding. they have no way of knowing whether she can survive the pregnancy and the only clue they have about whether the baby will be a monster or not is from google searches, but they also can’t exactly take her to an obgyn when her uterus feels like it’s calcified and her ribs are getting broken and she seems to be craving blood

So, Leah’s got her own little place. Bella moves in there, telling Charlie she wants to move back in with Renee (she knows her parents would never willingly call each other so as long as she keeps up communicating with both of them they should be none the wiser of her growing a little dracula in Leah Clearwater’s basement).

Leah has already defected from the wolf pack at this point (because...the Cullen’s left and she didn’t really like any of the guys anyway lmao) so they don’t run the risk of them hearing her thoughts while she’s in wolf form. She goes out and hunts animals, brings them back and her and Jake drain the blood from them so Bella can drink it. All three of them find this extremely disgusting obviously but Jake’s loyal and a little bit lovestruck, Leah’s a supportive friend and queen, and Bella’s just trying to keep her and her baby alive, and none of them feel like trying to rob a blood bank

Bella is 100% certain the baby will just be a baby who happens to like blood, like she was in bd, but the tentative plan is that if a crazy soulless monster comes out of her Leah will...handle that...

Which neither are thrilled about, so Bella’s just trying to focus on staying positive. And between that, trying to survive and stay hidden, Bella doesn’t really have time to...Check Out the way she did in new moon. Like, she’s absolutely still depressed, and she’s still getting an occasional Edward hallucination because carrying a vampire baby counts as reckless in many books, but she’s just more...resigned and pissed than anything. She’ll have days like the ‘possibilities’ scene, but more often than not she’s just telling the Edward hallucination to go fuck himself when he’s begging her to find the real him so they can have Carlisle deal with the pregnancy 

at some point, Seth gets roped into the whole mess (he’s prone to just breaking into his sister’s house) but since he’s like, 13 and The Best Baby Boy he’s immediately supportive. He didn’t even fucking know about the wolves and the vampires until he walked in on a six months pregnant Bella drinking blood while his sister and Jacob are hacking away at a dead deer, but he’s like...you know when you were 13 and sneaking around about Anything made you feel like the coolest person alive? point is he’s helpful

AND he can get away with spending a lot of time at Leah’s house without anyone finding it weird, unlike Jacob, so he starts spending most of his free time there keeping Bella company and brightening her day up

HE is the one who enables her when she comes up with the name Renesmee lmao

(just because she hates Edward doesn’t mean Esme ever did anything wrong!)

“bella I’ll throw you out of this house if you don’t come up with a real name” “leah she’s white you can’t just disrespect her culture like this omg”

anyway these four become the DORKIEST and WEIRDEST little family it’s cute

so then. labor.

it’s less...graphic than in bd because Bella hasn’t been actively dying the whole pregnancy and she doesn’t snap her spine in half, but it’s still. bad.

she essentially delivers a rock that Nessie then begins chewing her way out of. she’s actively bleeding out. Jacob’s having a panic attack. Leah made Seth watch so he would never have unprotected sex and the scare tactic is working. Leah’s covered in Bella’s blood which is not great considering she’s Holding A Rock That A Vampire Is Emerging From

Leah’s been taking classes and researching deliveries so she needs to stitch Bella up and see what else is wrong but Seth is rocking back and forth on the floor crying and Jacob’s screaming and pacing too fast to grab so she’s like. Bella babe I know you’re dying but you need to hold this thing for me ksjdfllksf

so while she’s handling That, Bella’s got this weird little rock in her arms and is watching the baby slowly fight it’s way out like this is a very fucked up egg or something and she’s just. overwhelmed. maybe it’s the blood loss but she’s looking at the messy, scrunchy little face and she’s already in love and envisioning their lives together.

and then, you know, the baby bites her,

she has just enough time to think ‘how did we not think to prepare for that’ before she can feel the venom coursing through her. it’s just as bad as she remembers from James’ bite but somehow...easier to tolerate. she blacks out pretty quickly

the other 3 notice and are like : 👁👄👁

Jacob...literally explodes into a wolf On Spot

Seth darts out the fucking door he’s seen enough for one day

Leah, sole holder of the braincell, realizes Nessie just bit and isn’t drinking from Bella, and deduces this is like...a survival instinct or something. the baby instinctively changes it’s mother first thing. weirdly...touching? 

So she gets the baby and checks that everything is physically okay with Bella (apart from you know. changing species) and is like...guess this is an issue for 3 days from now Leah

more immediate pressing issues: screaming new born baby and oh, yeah, the giant red wolf in the basement,

“Jacob I know this is disorienting but if you break anything in my house I’ll fucking kill you”

she really just leaves the poor boy to go get the baby cleaned up and warm up some of the frozen blood they’ve got in her fridge (RUINING HER TUPPERWARE, BELLA)

she’s not worried about the wolf pack mind meld yet because she knows Sam took the guys on a mission way farther up the coast for a few days and they’ll be too far away to hear Jake. hopefully, by the time they get back, Bella will be awake and they’ll have made an escape plan by then

and as she’s bottle feeding blood to the baby she’s thrilled that it seems to be like...relatively normal and not s horrific monster or anything. mission: unwillingly murder my best friend’s baby has been successfully canceled 

“Oh Goddamn it....Renesmee DOES fit you...”

Seth, from where he’s cowering behind the couch: “told you”

so, Jake eventually calms down, they spend the next few days cooing over Nessie and brainstorming how to handle Bella when she wakes up a vampire, and also nicknaming Nessie ‘Nessie’ because they know Bella will find that intolerable and they feel she deserves karmic punishment for stressing them out so much lmao

so, three days are up. Seth’s upstairs putting on a way-too-elaborate puppet show for the baby with not a care in the world. Leah and Jake are in the basement because they know Bella probably won’t want their wolf blood and their ready to phase in case she gets a little aggressive

but she just wakes up and is like. hey! how’s it going? where’s my baby?

sjdhfksdj they were expecting feral but Bella still has her super self-control. she didn’t even realize she’d changed into a vampire until they told her lmao

Bella’s a little too freaked out to try hunting yet so they give her some of the stored blood they’ve been feeding Ness and she’s like. good to go. Leah’s about to scream like have the elders been exaggerating this whole time or is Bella truly a freak??? lol

So, they spend a couple days just...relaxing, Bella and Renesmee bonding, they’re trying to come up with fun places Bella can move to with the baby so no one she knows finds out, and every now and then Leah and Jake go out and she tries to help him get the wolf thing under control

and then,,,,the pack get back from their mission early

and immediately are able to read Jacob’s mind

so they head over to Start Shit because there’s two bloodsuckers on their land but,

the pack not attacking because Jake imprinted on Renesmee? tired. the pack not attacking because Jake’s Alpha Genes have taken over and declared Nessie and Bella as part of his Pack and attacking would literally start a war? inspired

so they hash the whole thing out....ultimately Sam decides Bella is more of a victim than a threat, and since neither her or Nessie seem to be going on a bloodlust rampage any time soon...he decides to grant them immunity from the whole ‘kill the vampires’ rule. He’ll let her and her daughter stay in La Push as long as they agree to stick to animals and only hunt out of town. PLUS from what little Bella knows about the Volturi, she’s worried about them finding out about Nessie, so they’ll offer protection if that does happen, in exchange for her being able to help them with intel on any other vampire threats in the area (you know like. if a nomad is fucking stuff up in a nearby city, they’ll send her to talk to them first before deciding if they need to intervene. Sam has become acutely aware he has a lot of teens and kids in his pack, so he’s trying to keep them out of fights as much as possible)  

anyway that’s the story of Nessie gaining like 17 chaotic as hell ride or die uncles,

let’s fast forward a bit

it’s like 15 years later. Bella’s not living with Leah anymore, but she’s got a cute apartment in a nearby town, and owns and runs a bookstore on the first floor of it. she got her ged and did college online and teaches night classes at a community college. She’s still in contact with her parents, who Adore the life out of Nessie. She still helps the pack out and they’re all close. Nessie is a handful but in a fun and lovable way. They go on little weekend trips whenever they have time. Bella’s happy.

but then a. Situation. arises.

basically, the Volturi have been made aware of some unknown vampire chasing others out of the pacific northwest and conspiring with shapeshifters. and you know when Aro gets curious he tends to spin things dramatically. who’s to say this vampire isn’t conspiring against all vampires? against them? why has no one’s special talents worked on her? he simply must find out.

Bella and the Pack get word and decide their best course of action for now is to go on the run. they’re not gonna be able to take on a whole army but if they can bide some time and lay low they might be able to figure something out

except Bella is like....I have a teenage hybrid that the Volturi don’t know about yet...it would be EXTREMELY irresponsible to take her with me

but she can’t send Nessie to Charlie or Renee because they don’t know about her...dietary restrictions. She can’t stay with Billy or anyone else in La Push because the Volturi might trace the pack’s scent there and discover her. She’s panicking, they have to leave in a few days max and she can’t find a safe place for her daughter

and then she’s like.....fuck.

she had run into Jasper a couple of years ago- they have the same forgery guy and were heading to his building around the same time as a coincidence. She promised to forgive him for the party incident if he promised not to tell Edward he saw her and that she’s a vampire now. He agreed, but then told her Edward’s been living on his own for a while now and insisted on giving her his number...she never could bring herself to call it or delete it...but now...if she wants to be 100% Nessie is safe and protected...

fuck

So, the past 15 years have been fairly rough for Edward

he’s still convinced leaving in order to save Bella was the best course of action, but like...the vampires canonically mate for life. that’s his soulmate. he’s absolutely miserable without her. he’s thought about cracking and going to find her again but he always talks himself out of it, convinced she’d just tell him she hates him or something

so as stated in his patented Edward Cullen Self Loathing Guide, first thing to do is isolate yourself from all the lovebirds you usually live with. Sure, he keeps in contact, but...not well. he’s currently living alone and posing as a university student. He’s not even really sure what he’s supposed to be majoring in. He’s mostly been in a haze since he left Forks.

and one day....he gets a call from an unknown number. he ignores it, thinking it’s a spam call. but then it calls like 8 more times in a row and he figures answering might be a bit smarter than simply throwing it at the wall

And Edward...swears he came back to life and immediately had a heart attack the second he hears Bella’s voice

He feels breathless and disoriented the whole conversation, trying to figure out if his memory did her voice any justice, trying to rush out 15 years worth of apologies, trying to comprehend she’s actually speaking to him.

But Bella’s very blunt on the phone. She doesn’t want to let herself get emotional. She’s on a time limit, and she has to focus on getting her daughter to safety

And Edward swears he somehow misheard her the first ten or so times she told him. He had a daughter? that wasn’t possible

“she has the audacity to be your Evil Twin so I’m pretty sure it’s possible”

so she gives him a rundown. she needs to go into hiding, no I don’t need your help with that, gives him details about Nessie, what she’s like, what she likes to do, her diet, her favorite color, how annoyed she is by this whole situation, “Edward I know you don’t love me anymore, but I remember how protective you were, and that’s what I need Nessie to have right now. She needs you right now” and Edward wants so badly to refute Bella’s claim of lost love, to tell her he has absolutely no idea how to be a parent, but...her tone is aching so much he can barely speak. He can’t let Bella down again, and he can’t let this little girl he foolishly created and left down anymore than he already has, either.

So he agrees, she tells him to be at the airport in a few days, and hangs up. 

Edward loses about half a day staring at a wall in shock, before he jumps into preparations.

Bella told him while their daughter possessed some speed and strength, hunting was fairly dangerous for her. She was more delicate than his kind, and had a heartbeat. Reheated blood bags had been their best option, and she also needed human food as well. He also had to get a room ready for her- he wandered around stores for hours, reading young girls minds to see if there was any furniture or decorations that were universally liked- which was of course, fruitless, but he did manage to find a handful of things he was sure Bella would have liked at that age, and prayed for the best. He somehow got himself covered in purple paint that was a nightmare to get off. Bella had sent him some forged documents claiming Nessie was his younger sister he’d won custody of, and he got her enrolled in a nearby school. He lived every day leading up to her arrival staving off a panic attack.

it wasn’t until he was on the way to the airport that he realized he forgot to inform his family about this life update. they must’ve been on a hunting trip, because he got nothing but voicemails 

imagine being Carlisle and you come home to a voicemail from your son who’s banished himself from the family that’s just like ‘hi. you’re a grandfather now. I’m having a nervous breakdown and might crash my car. call me back at your earliest convenience I suppose” like what would you DO

 after he gets to the airport he starts panicking again, realizing Bella had never actually sent him a picture, worrying about how he’d find her, but then- he sees a tiny girl with untamed, dark red curls, features strikingly similar to his own that are pulled into the expression Bella always made when she was reading, absently chewing on her lip, and before she looks at him with her mother’s big brown eyes, he already knows who he’s looking at, and he’s certain if he was human his tear ducts would be having a fit right now

Renesmee, however, seems less willing to have an emotional meeting. She mumbles out a simple greeting before gathering up her bags and heading for the door, Edward rushing behind her to try and help

listen. the awkwardness of Charlie trying to connect with Bella. but 10000x worse because of Edward’s overthinking, self-deprecating ass and Nessie being like ‘ah yes the guy who broke my pregnant teenage mothers heart, fantastic’ lmao

the car ride is p a i n f u l. Edward’s trying so hard for light conversation and Nessie’s barely giving one word answers. Bella had warned her about the mind reading so she was carefully keeping her mind blocked, which Edward is trying very hard to be understanding about instead of annoyed, but By God does he want to know everything about her

when they get back to his place, she quietly thanks him for the room and then promptly locks him out of it lol. He spends the rest of the day just pacing back and forth until he realizes he should eventually feed her lmao

and that’s...kinda how the first couple weeks go. she only emerges from her room if he bribes her with food, she awkwardly tries to dodge his questions, he drives her to school and then begs her to tell him how it went when he picks her up, he spends his college classes distracted because he’s freaking out constantly about how to successfully bond with her. His favorite time of day now is night, because she can’t block her mind while she’s asleep, and even if her dreams are all nonsense they’re still...part of her that he gets to know.

His family keeps begging him to let them meet her, but he’s pushing back because if she’s this bad at adjusting to one new family member, how is she going to handle six more?

(meanwhile Alice and Rose started a group chat with her and are having a ball clowning Edward lmao)

wait ksjflksd I think this vine perfectly sums up the dynamic im envisioning  https://youtu.be/wQZIUHNORHg

anyway they....very slowly make some progress. much too slowly for Edward’s taste, but hey.

Like he finds out snacks she likes. or jewelry she likes. stuff like that and just...wordlessly leaves it around for her lmao. he thinks it’s like trying not to startle a deer, Nessie thinks it’s more like a cat trying to gift you a dead mouse, but either way it’s weirdly endearing.

He notices she always has a huffy little frown when he picks her up on Wednesdays. So instead of begging her for an ounce of information of her school life, he asks her one Wednesday morning if she’s excited for the day and she admits she has an elective class every Wednesday with a girl she doesn’t get along with.

He gets her school photos (and Weeps) and realizes apart from her room the home is fairly barren of decorations, so he buys a bunch of picture frames and hangs up the school shots, and some pictures of the Cullen’s over the years, and the few he has of Bella that he could never bear to part with. Other than catching her smiling at the prom picture of her parents, Nessie doesn’t say anything- but the next time he comes home from hunting, there’s a pile of pictures of her growing up on the table, and he starts weeping all over again as he hangs them up

(there’s one of her and Bella hugging and looking at the camera with identical grins and joy in their eyes, he can’t help but put that in his room. He hopes one day he’ll get to see a scene like that in person)

He starts trying to get her out of her room a little more- he still hasn’t managed to a get a ‘favorites’ list out of her, so he starts playing movies Bella loved, to see if any of them lure her out. some do, some don’t- he got halfway through a Lord of the Rings marathon, which was Torture in his opinion, but then Ness came out and quietly asked if he could restart it and suddenly they became his favorite movies ever.

Bella’s not able to contact her on a set schedule or anything because of her situation (and you can bet your ass Edward’s contacted every vampire he knows and ordered them to help her out if they come across her or the Volturi), and Edward realizes that’s probably taking a toll on the girl, so he starts telling her stories of her mother when he knew her in Forks. She’s particularly amused by the blood typing incident- the first time Edward hears Nessie properly laugh, he literally starts crying on the spot

could you imagine the sheer panic if she ever gets so much as a cold

And yes, she’s still pissed on Bella’s behalf, and yes, she specifically blasts 70s music because Bella told her he hates it one time, and yes, if he looks at her like he’s a kicked puppy one more time she might claw his eyes out, and yes, she refuses to introduce him to her friends from school because she Knows everyone will then start asking her about her ‘hot brother’ and she can’t live with that and also can’t live with him knowing that so she told him if he ever introduces himself to any of her friends she’ll set him on fire, and yes, she’s homesick 95% of the time but...he’s growing on her. like a mold, or something.

(okay, maybe when Seth tried to analyze why Mamma Mia is her favorite musical, he might have had a point. half a point. quarter of a point. shut up.)

And Edward’s still trying to not have a panic attack every time she’s out of his sight- he’s got Carlisle keeping tabs on the Volturi for him, and it’s not exactly hard for him to keep track of her through other people’s minds- but she’s so tiny and her heartbeat is Too Fast and what if she inherited her mother’s unlucky streak??

but they’re toeing the line of co-existing peacefully and Edward’s scared to push it past that

then he has to, because it turns out he sent her to one of Those Schools where the parents have to be involved in the school in some way or another and Nessie’s Annoyed

sdkjfsdkjf she keeps trying to get him to just sign up for like pta meetings or something and he’s like ‘I need you to understand you are the only person in this town I actually know or like I Cannot survive around fundraiser moms I can’t’ 

so she’s like ugh fine I’m in the drama club

listen.....Stage Parent Edward Cullen.......the power this holds...

that’s right this whole post was an elaborate ruse for me to make a musical theater headcanon again lmao

no okay but seriously he starts off just helping build sets and stuff like that but then midway through the year their music teacher gets fired and the schools like begging him to take over because they can’t find someone in enough time that’ll know the music for the show they’re doing and he’s like “I need you to understand Nessie will never talk to me again if I start actually working at her school” and they’re like “She also will never talk to you again if we have to cancel the big musical, though” and he’s like. fuck.

silent treatment for a week and a half

lmao so now he’s trying to juggle being an overly-enthusiastic stage parent who’s making costumes and sets and kinda crying backstage when he sees his daughter in her costume with also being the music director for the damn show and trying to teach a bunch of kids how to read sheet music 

one day he ended up in a coffee shop with the hair and makeup moms, gossiping about the cast’s love lives, and he literally doesn’t know how he got there

is it wrong to pass Nessie in class even though she’s putting all the wrong answers on the test but he Knows she knows the right answers and is only answering wrong to try and get a rise out of him

Bella sneaks into town to see the show- they thought it would push their luck if the pack came, but they sent an ungodly amount of flowers and candy. When she snuck into the house while Ness was sleeping she Was Not expecting to find Edward up to his elbows in sequins, trying to fix a bedazzler he accidentally broke in frustration, muttering under his breath about how if Nessie’s romantic opposite in the show doesn’t keep his thoughts clean he’s gonna kill him- and it just cracks her up. She WAS nervous about seeing Edward again but now she’s assured he’s still a dork lol

So Edward freaks when he sees her but they don’t wanna wake Ness up so they’re trying to be quiet but like. they’re going through it 

Like Bella Wants to be pissed at him but she can’t, she still loves him- and while she can’t just get over what he did to her, it’s also not lost on her that ‘leaving to protect someone I love’ is literally what she had to do to her daughter

And Edward....Edward, who only left to give Bella a chance at a safe, human life, seeing Bella in front of him as a vampire, knowing it’s his fault she ended up that way and she had to go through it alone, had to raise a baby herself because he’d made it so hard to find him...knowing if he’d just pulled his head out of his ass he would have been able to be there for her...would be able to form a coherent sentence around his love right now, would have long and fond memories of Nessie’s childhood, likely wouldn’t have to watch Bella hide from the Volturi...he’s back in a self-loathing spiral already

But they haven’t seen each other in so long and they just don’t want to...deal with the unpleasantness right now, so they just push it aside. Bella helps Edward with the costumes. Edward fills her in on what she’s been missing with Nessie. Bella tells him some stuff about when Ness was younger. They just spend the night talking, and it feels like no time has past between them at all- which just makes the heartaches a little stronger

When Nessie wakes up to her mother there she’s ecstatic- bubbly and loud and glued to Bella’s hip all day, giving her in depth play-by-plays of her school and rehearsals and friends she’s made, bouncing on her toes all morning, hyper, giggly, and- it kind of breaks Edward’s heart a little, even though he knows he hasn’t really...earned this side of his daughter, yet. 

(at least he got his wish of seeing their twin smiles in person)

(he wishes he could see them every second of every day)

so the girls spend the day catching up while Edward mostly feels like a thirdwheel, and then they have to get Ness over to the school so she can get ready

Bella decides to hang out around the school theater before the show actually starts- she leans against the wall next to the piano, the two talking in hushed tones while Edward runs through songs. Bella really missed watching him play- the only thing that managed to drag her away from it was when Nessie called her to the dressing room to help with a hair emergency 

she didn’t talk to him much at intermission, her attention being stolen by the rest of the Cullen family (who had been Very Loudly supporting the show so far, she knew Ness was probably dying of embarrassment backstage)

after the show, the three went back to Edward’s and just...talked. Nessie was gushing about the show and eating while her parents assured her she was the greatest actress ever born, simple stuff like that. she fell asleep sandwiched in between them on the couch 

Bella realizes she’s never going to be able to bring herself to leave again if Nessie wakes up, and tells Edward as much. He clearly doesn’t want her to go just yet either, but...she’s on the run, it’s not like she has much choice 

He has so much he wants to say to her but he just- can’t. it’s not the right time. but he’s hoping she can see that in his eyes

Bella shifts Nessie off her shoulder so Edward can hold her, and she gives him a light kiss and says ‘thank you, Edward’ before disappearing in a flash. she needed to go before she lost her nerve.

Edward can’t bring himself to let Nessie out of his arms, so instead of carrying her to bed he just stays there, holding her, trying his best not to think that that could be the last time for a long time he’d ever see his Bella again, trying not to let thoughts of a life he gave up unwittingly consume him

okay I didn’t mean for this to be So Long so I’m cutting it here uhh...let me know if anyone wants a part 2? sorry lmao

[homieswithhades]

why steve rogers returning to the past was wrong

disclaimer: im clearly a stucky enthusiast, but please, do not be thrown off by that. i admit, there may be undertones of bias because of that in the following, but i did my best with trying to lay out the facts and draw logical conclusions, so do please give me a chance. also, i may have accidentaly omitted some moments and some quotes may not be 100% word for word, as my memory lowkey sucks. ALSO this is NOT a peggy hate post!! i think shes a dope and underrated character and quite frankly she was done dirty. but i also definitely h8 the trope of badass woman falls for the hero.

first and foremost, every sane person knows endgame was complete and utter bullshit when dealing with steves character, so this post will be more for you to maybe show (and hopefully convince) some stubborn friend or family member. nice, concise (not) and including proof from the movies (+a few tweets and stucky undertones, if u dont fw that i respect it but bucky is an integral part to steves character regardless of how u interpret their relationship) here is why steves character development was thrown away at the end of endgame.

let us begin at looking at the cap trilogy.

in ca:tfa it should be noted that steve had no one to return to in the 40s, except bucky. i believe steves relationship with peggy was no where near as developed as it should have been to elicit him returning exclusively for her. as we are aware, steves driving force has absolutely always been bucky. bucky was there for steve after his parents died, when he was sick, and always protected him from whatever trouble he got himself into. "until the end of the line" right? steves relationship with peggy was forced and short lived, literally, we're talking a matter of months here. i need to keep emphasising the important disparity between bucky and peggy, as it is absolutely key in this whole argument. steve dropped everything and went against every order just to even attempt to save bucky. even the slightest chance of him surviving being captured was enough for steve to break into a hydra camp and free the 107th division. steve even had the chance to capture zola, one of the main villains and masterminds of the war, but again, steve prioritised bucky. when theyre trying to escape the exploding hydra camp, the exchange between steve and bucky is critical. steve says "go! get out of here!" as all he wanted was bucky escaping safely. he put bucky's life over his own (this wasnt the first time he did this, nor the last) but bucky rooted himself to the spot, and yelled back "no, not without you!". they both escaped safely as we know, and then steve gathers the howling commandos to take down the red skull. bucky then falls off the train, nd steve blames himself for his death, even visibly crying over it twice. steves morals went from "i dont wanna kill anyone. i dont like bullies, i dont care where theyre from" before buckys death, to "i wont stop until all of hydra are dead or captured" after. stuff happens and steve defeats the red skull and is now in control of the flying ship with the bombs. he connects the comms with peggy and she tries to convince him theres another way to disarm the ship. steve was so dedicated at that point he didnt even want to hear it. he didnt even attempt to do anything to ensure his survival. this alone proves, peggy was not important enough to him to return to.

next is ca:tws. The stevebucky movie. in the museum, peggy confirms that steve saved the man from the 107th division who eventually became her husband (steve was never in the 107th, just to clarify) i believe her husbands name was daniel sousa (as revealed in the marvels agents of shield show) steve then finds out peggy is alive and talks to her. she, in short, tells him she's lived her life, and it was his turn to live his in the time hes in. the "my best girl" line was unnecessary and out of place; again, steve barely knew her. again, shit goes down, and steve finds out the winter soldier is bucky and immediately drops everything, and becomes dead set on saving him. not killing, not imprisoning, but saving him. no matter the cost. "he saw me, and he didnt even know me" "hes not the kind you save, hes the kind you stop. he won't recognise you" "he will." god, steve KNEW bucky would recognise him. regardless of the brainwashing, steve managed to break through the barrier hydra fought so hard to drill into buckys mind. nothing ever broke him out of that state exept for steve. "im not gonna fight you, youre my friend." "youre my mission" "then finish it. cos im with you till the end of the line." [[good fucking lord let me break out of my essay-esque semi professional format here and just say how fucking heartbreaking those lines are. oh my god. read them, over and over until it hits you.]] steve shows us again, that he is willing to not only die for bucky, but literally die by his hand. he would let bucky kill him. he'd dropped his shield. he didnt fight back. steve always, always, ALWAYS got up and fought back. always. exept that time. the time bucky could have killed him. that scene is the essence of "im with you till the end of the line" because then, it was true. it was true because steve was okay with dying at buckys mercy. theres a difference between sacrificing yourself for the greater good (steve going into the ice), willing to die for someone (steve risking his life multiple times in attempts to save bucky) and finally, being willing to let someone kill you, because you love and trust them so much (hellicarier scene). the difference between peggy and bucky's relationship to steve is that steve may be willing to die for either, but only willing to be killed by one. not to mention, bucky pulled steve from the river. he recognised him. steve broke through 70 years of brainwashing with such impact it literally drove bucky away from hydra out of his own free will.

in between ca:tws and ca:cw its confirmed (im p sure sam says it) that him and steve looked for bucky for two. years. even off screen, bucky was steves priority.

im going to squeeze in 2 points from from age of ultron here, for chronology's sake:

steves worst nightmare, as portayed in the movie, is LITERALLY going back to the 40s and being stuck there (with peggy too??lmfao) and also the quote "family, stability, the man who wanted all that went in the ice 75 years ago. i think another one came out." objectively confirms that steve isn't the man he used to be, and doesnt want to return to the past. aou may have sucked, but that doesn't mean the character development should be thrown away.

ca:cw. hoo boy. steve went against 117 countries and half of his closest friends and colleagues because he believed bucky was innocent of the bombing of the un conference. god, steve quite literally, did everything to defend and protect bucky. though i shall acknowledge that steve did attend peggy's funeral, however, there was no real connotations there other than the fact he was mourning her death (understabdibly so). steve then proceeds to protect bucky for 2 hours 27 mins and 41 seconds to the point where they escape together to siberia after the airport fight. "i dont know if im worth all this steve" "what you did all those years... it wasnt you. you didnt have a choice." "i know. but i did it" again, absolutely heartbreaking quotes if you read it a couple of times and truly understand the meaning of them. steve somewhat indirectly tells bucky yes, yes he is worth all of this. otherwise, he wouldn't be doing it. a quote to support that would be "for the longest time, i always did what i thought was right." (disclaimer this is not a direct quote i deadass couldnt find it to save my life, i belive steve said it at some point during civil war or tws, but the point is, bucky is the only thing that could have shaken steves morals so intensely.) and finally, the most important part of cw, the fight at the end with tony. bucky and steve constantly protected each other. steve kept fighting because he was fighting for bucky. to keep him safe from tony and the world. he got up, time and time again. "i can do this all day." the fact that he said that to tony, some people consider them the closest of friends, proves again, a million times over, bucky is more important to steve than literally anything else, INCLUDING his shield. his mantle. he dropped it and left it like it was nothing, because his priority was bucky. as always.

theres not much to discuss for infinity war other than their hug whicg was honestly just adorable.

mmmmm endgame. i will not go into how much i hate that movie because it would be a rant quintuple the length of this one. in the support group, steve dead ass fucking says "you gotta move on. you gotta move on" and that sentiment was literally forgotten at the end. my main point for endgame is this. people tend to tell me, the reason steve abandoned bucky and went back to be with peggy is because he knew that he was finally safe. :/. if you had half a braincell youd know that's not true. the steve we know, never would have left bucky for good, ESPECIALLY after the "dont do anything stupid until i get back" exchange [[god i want to beat the shit out of the r*ssos]] mostly because, bucky had fucking no one in the time he was living in!!! no family, no friends and most heartbreakingly, no one he could trust. (yes sam was there but were just seeing their friendship develop now in tfatws, all that wasnt there in endgame) and secondly, what made steve think bucky was entirely safe??? half of the worlds population just suddenly reappeared, which as we see now, there were massive consequences for that. i simply believe steve is not that stupid. steve going back was disrespectful not only to his character, but to bucky AND peggy. most importantly, the steve we've been watching since 2011 would NEVER abandon bucky, no matter how safe he thought he was (he visited him frequently in wakanda, the safest place on the planet arguably ffs) especially for such a dumbass and quite frankly, nonsensical reason as going back to be with peggy, who clearly stated to him she moved on, and so should he (which he did. idk endgame writers prolly didnt watch the previous movies :/) its not even debatable. bucky is more important to steve than peggy. even in terms of screentime.

now allow some tweets to speak for me, this one being the absolute most important one:

ladies and gentlefolk, all of the stuff ive said can be summarised in that last line. "it would be contrary to who he is."

heres some more:

and now finally, id like to briefly mention steve and tfatws, so beware of spoilers (writing this as of ep 4 coming out; praying it doesn't age badly)

bucky mentions steve, unprompted, fucking constantly. he clearly isnt over steve leaving, and im hoping that gets acknowledged and talked out in the show.

in conclusion, tl:dr, steve shouldn't have returned to the past and stayed there, it is contrary to who he is, as shown to us through his trilogy and other appearances in the mcu. not to mention the timeline bullshit in endgame makes zero sense in the first place.

[ddaehyeon]

kalopsia; s. wb + reader + k. ty

pairing: seo woobin + reader + kim taeyoung

genre: angst, fluff, hanahaki au

word count: 10.4k

warnings: blood, hospital visit, light cursing, mentions of sickness, death, anxiety, and alcohol/drinking

summary: in each passing day that you grew fonder of taeyoung, more petals would come out of your lips. your heart, a garden of the most beautiful flowers, only that it was also a reminder of your unrequited love. and with the withering petals, woobin can't bear to simply watch.

-- video teaser; story playlist; masterlist; taglist form 🥀

a/n: my longest fic so far! aaaa this is for a fic exchange with the amazing @arieswonjin​​. ilysm <3 i enjoyed writing this a lot and i hope we can do more exchanges in the future! also, special thanks to @starrycrvty​​ who helped me with the editing process and cheered me up while i was losing a braincell in the development of the scenes. you’re awesome and ily. <3

hope you will enjoy this ride. send me feedback through my ask/reblogs! i’ll appreciate it a lot :>

taglist: @bunnyseongmin​​

[ will edit this again in the future; ]

regardless of how the day was already ending, flowers seemed to not lose their vibrancy. whenever a gust of air blew by, it would dance along with the wind’s melody. you took a breath, the floral scent easing your body which was probably hugged with nothing but fatigue out of the ruthless writing sessions you gave yourself for hours.

a mélange of colors in the sky; the red hue engulfing the orange tint. it was funny how despite that war of colors, in the end, the sky will turn pitch-black with scattered twinkling stars.

sure, spring was one of the most beautiful seasons. but that small amount of fondness for the aforementioned season will never be enough to make you want to experience it for the whole year. life played favorites though— it was spring for you all year round.

you smiled to yourself, trying to shrug off the thought. good thing you weren’t in your room and the sidewalk wasn’t the quietest place to be at during this hour. it offered a space for distractions. most shops were closing, students were to go home from long hours of studying, workers with a weariness that yours couldn’t match walking to hubs for some sort of leisure activities. if you were in some kind of company work, you’d probably be in the same position. going for a drink or two with friends after working hours. but well, you weren’t.

instead of a bustling office requiring formal attire; you were usually in your pajamas, musing about life and writing about it through means of prose and poetry. a young published author who was known for having a great appreciation for flowers. in a few months, another book will be launched under your name. its spine holding all the papers inked by your love, not for flowers or anything else, but for a childhood friend who seemed to not have taken notice of the flower that began growing in your lungs— a rose.

reaching the convenience store, you contemplated which instant food would serve as your dinner tonight. ordered food seemed to have bored out your taste buds, a little change was needed. and to say, probably a more unhealthy choice. maybe a dosirak would do or a kimbap and peel sausage.

as you were to enter, a call of your name put your feet to a halt. you turned to look at the speaker. “oh hey, woobin?”

a weak smile graced his lips, opening the door for you. he spoke after the both of you had entered the store. “tired of ordered meals?”

“kind of,” you replied, a sigh punctuating your words. you walked up to the aisle of dosirak. the sight of it made you swiftly cross it out of your options. you wanted something else. “how about you?”

“craved for ice cream,” answered woobin who, unlike you, had made his mind in settling with a pint of almond ice cream.

grabbing some triangle kimbaps, you looked at him with a raised brow. “wouldn’t that harm your ever so majestic voice?”

if you made money through books, woobin earned his through singing. it ranged from covers to original song compositions. he was quite popular with all the ballad songs he covered that without a lie was a heart-melter. if home and serenity would be defined using a voice, woobin’s would be the perfect definition for it.

“not really.” a chuckle was heard from him as he watched you grab a cup of instant ramyun. “well, wouldn’t that harm your ever so wonderful brain?”

you shook your head but laughed at the remark. woobin had been your friend for quite a long time, probably one of the closest. light and playful banters seemed to have become a part of your usual talks.

walking towards the counter, you settled your items which the worker scanned quickly. the amount flashed by the small screen, and you pulled your wallet out to pay. woobin followed shortly.

“a healthy alternative after ice cream?” you asked, noticing a herbal medicine pouch being placed in his bag.

woobin hunched his shoulders up, and proceeded to go out of the store.

a soft breeze welcomed you as you stepped out. the sidewalk was no longer as busy as it was earlier and the sky was losing its colors bit by bit as if the flickering lights in the queued lampposts were sucking it all.

“so how is it coming out?” woobin asked as he walked beside you. your apartment and his were only a few blocks away. his apartment was inside a street, away from the main road filled with noises coming from horns and speeding cars, while yours was in a complex near the road. you liked watching people from up the balcony, it was like watching a film, only that everything that was happening was real and only the made-up dialogues of the strangers were sheer fiction.

“minor editings left,” you replied. “also, next week the possible art for the cover will be out. want to check it out with me?”

he didn’t reply right after as if he was mentally checking his schedule, weighing if he was free or not. though his answer indicated that the things he had to do had flexible deadlines. “sure, just tell me when.”

“i’ll call you once they message me about it.” a cough ended your sentence, you covered your mouth as you did so. something smooth touching your palm. it was happening… again.

“are you alright?” concern evident on woobin’s face, he went closer to you. his hand on your back, rubbing circles to ease your coughing.

but he was aware it would not be enough to stop it. a rub or any sort of medicine wouldn’t stop it. like how will those be enough to stop a flower from blooming in your lungs?

it was the reason why even though you admired the beauty of spring, you also disliked it.

flowers were in full bloom during spring. the way each petal was colored was pleasing to the eye. however, such beauty should have just stayed where they were supposed to be. on the ground, decorating the world with its vibrant color. it should only be there instead of clinging onto someone's lungs after failing to get their love returned.

hanahaki, a disease that causes someone to cough up flower petals when their love is one-sided.

there were different stages of it. at first, it was only a mere cough. something one would mistake for a regular cough. until petals come along with it on the next stage. followed by a mix of blood, acute chest pain, and shortness of breathing in the last.

two ways to resolve it. either undergo a surgery which will cost a fortune at the risk of wiping out not only your emotions but also the memory of all people you are close with or have your love reciprocated. inability to obtain any of the mentioned cures will result in the most unfortunate event. no more pain from the flower sprouting in your chest. no ache, coming from the bitter taste of being reminded every single night that your love wasn’t reciprocated— death.

“i’m alright.” it took quite a while before your coughing subsided. you were sure petals were already accumulated on your hand. bringing your hand down, you let go of the red petals. luckily, no blood. but you didn’t expect less. this disease had been giving you restless nights lately, worsening and worsening.

a sigh left woobin’s lips as he shook his head. “that’s not the look of someone alright for me.”

the rest of the walk was silent. woobin insisted on walking you home, to which you had no power to decline. even if you told him no, he still ended up doing so.

by the time you reached the front of your unit, night had already won the clash in the sky. the stars glimmering above at their triumph.

“don’t work up until late,” woobin reminded.

you smiled, wishing you could tell him that it wasn’t the writing that made you get less rest every evening. it was the rose that inhabited your lungs. “i will not.”

“here,” said woobin, handing you the bag of the things he bought earlier.

the ice cream was no longer of its same form as it was earlier. its mist soaked the insides of the plastic bag. “and why are you giving it to me?”

“just take it. you know in movies heartbroken people would eat ice cream as they mope around.”

the lighthearted remark made you laugh. woobin had his ways to make you feel better. “and what about the medicine?”

“you’re probably sad, but that won’t mean that you should not take care of yourself.” he was aware of your feelings for someone else. he was aware of the red roses in your chest. he was aware that your feelings weren’t reciprocated.

“makes sense.” you flashed him a smile, scrambling on your bag to take out one of the triangle kimbaps. the item tossed to his direction which he caught smoothly. “take that at least.”

“well, thank you?” he gazed at the food you gave him before returning the smile. “have a good night, y/n. call me if you need anything.”

you hummed as a response, watching woobin make his way to the stairs, descending afterward. another gust of wind passed by and you rushed to go inside. staring at the now melted ice cream, you shook your head. a laugh escaping your lips as you closed the door.

how long has it been? you thought.

collapsing on the bed, you stared at the ceiling. the coughing had already stopped, yet the burning pain in your chest remained.

what was the flower again?

a rose?

maybe the stabbing ache was caused by its thorns that came to hug your lungs. you sighed as if that would altogether pull out the suffocating sensation— of course, it wouldn’t. it would never.

a curt beep on your phone pulled you out of your cloudy thoughts, reaching for it to read the notification. a message from one of your friends which read,

it’s your debut book’s first anniversary today! congrats, y/n.

for a moment, your lips curled into a faint smile, so weak that it didn’t even last for a minute. sending a quick reply to show gratitude over the thought, you allowed yourself to drown over the same thoughts.

that book with inked poetry all meant to deliver a single message— your feelings for taeyoung. the words laced in each rhyme was a cover of the affection you had for him, and the petals you cough each night was his answer.

a childhood friend who you used to be neighbors with. he still lived under the comforts of his parents’ home, while you moved to live alone in an apartment, desperately seeking independence.

or maybe seeking for a way to not see his face every single day and be reminded that his favorite flower, a rose, had been blooming in your lungs.

the brightness taeyoung had never seemed to fade, his smile still carried sunlight of its own. a contagious one that would make anyone have the same smile (but maybe not as bright). his bubbliness was a comfort. whenever around him, the butterflies causing chaos in your stomach would make you forget about the evening ache he was subconsciously bringing.

taeyoung, ever since you were young, loved books and flowers. you preferred other things though, but somehow you found yourself conforming to what he liked. being the person you spent most of your time with, his interest became yours. whenever he would tell you about something he became inclined to, you would check it as quick, forcing yourself to like it. it was a repeated action that was implanted as a habit. in the process of trying to be his ideal person, your own identity was thrown away. a trap filled with nothing but thorns of his favorite flower.

shifting to your side, your eyes landed on the wall just above your working table. photographs of roses were stuck on it, along with verses other people might find painfully beautiful. you knew your words better though. its beauty was a mere delusion. hiding behind the pretty words were ugly cries— your reality.

another cough, a petal escaping from your lips. it danced in the air as it was freed, only to meet the cold floor of your room. with flowers blooming in the chest, you closed your eyes drifting to sleep. the pain no longer mattered as it was the usual sensation.

a soft instrumental had taken over your apartment. the sun was already up, its light filtering through the blinds. your potted plants were probably thankful for its generosity. you took a sip of your coffee, staring at the few words written in the new document reserved for a new manuscript. writing, or at least conceptualizing the main theme, of your next book was your top priority today. however, the continuous notifications coming from your close peers dragged you out of your bubble every single time.

with you celebrating the first anniversary of your debut book (which basically marked the day of your debut as a published writer), receiving messages was plain inevitable. your editor even asked if you’d be up for a drink later this night. an offer you turned down. silence and alone time this evening were everything you craved for.

putting your laptop on rest, you grabbed your own copy of withered roses, your book. it was silly how you decided to have perfectly blooming and lively roses as its cover when it contained the very title, your own withered roses hiding through beautiful verses.

flipping through the pages, you stopped on a certain poetry. undeniably, one of your favorites. it was one of the first poems that you wrote for this collection. grabbing a paper and a pen, you scribbled the words down, the same words still describing your situation perfectly. and maybe that was the reason why your condition was worsening.

you stuck the paper on the wall, just beside a photograph of a blue rose. for a moment, you stared at it, smiling at the words as if those were some kind of lost friends who rekindled with you. you smiled as if those were something that you should be smiling at.

three doorbells and a few knocks. a heavy sigh came out of your lips, tearing your eyes away from the poem. slow steps towards the door, the person on the other seemed rather impatient for the doorbell continuously made a sound. it was enough for another breath to escape the confines of your mouth.

swinging the door open, your eyes widened. the sight penetrating quickly to your senses and the sensation you hated the most overpowering you, your heartbeat loud. really loud. “taeyoung?”

for him to be able to give you the most wonderful feeling of warm cheeks and butterflies and still be able to poison you using his favorite flower lethal to your body, you wondered when it would end.

“it’s withered roses’ first anniversary!” his smile was a band-aid, too fleeting of a cure for you. he lifted a pot of cycnoches orchids, something that was probably from his parent’s flower shop. “here’s a gift for you.”

“thank you.” as he handed you the pot, you gave him enough space to enter your unit. placing it just beside the other plants you had, all coming from their shop, you turned to look at taeyoung. a pout appearing in your countenance. “you should have brought food.”

taeyoung scratched his head at your sudden words, a sheepish smile curving on his lips. “well, we can order.”

at the sight of a slightly flustered taeyoung, a string of laughter became your immediate response. “i was kidding.”

you went back to the couch to sit with taeyoung following you shortly. the music playing in your room had long ago stopped, something you only noticed after taeyoung came. after your awareness came to hug you once again.

his eyes wandered as if it was his first time in your unit. it was definitely not his first visit, to count how many times he’d been there was also impossible. just like how you frequented their flower shop, he was usually in your unit as well. maybe it was due to him being used to your company. childhood friends, former neighbors— inseparable, but in a manner that went nothing beyond romantic feelings. at least to his side.

glancing at him, you followed where his gaze was fixated on. it was focused on the wall that held photographs of roses and the poem you scribbled earlier from your book.

“wasn’t that the eighth poem in your book?” intrigued, he looked at you with a brow raised.

you didn't have to meet his gaze. a smile slowly crept out of your visage. it didn't hold an emotion though, more like a simple forced curve. "it is."

"i love it." it was a genuine remark, but somehow, instead of giving you a warm feeling, it did the opposite. standing up, he reached for the paper, detaching it from the wall. the words slipping out of his tongue as he read it out loud.

heat-haze; sunrays visible at the nighttime daydream under the cloud of deep distance built a sensation of unrequited affection innumerable actions-- satisfied, captured by mere existence. nevertheless, the heart was jinxed in a presence, a love, i cannot withdraw from.

as the final four lines were uttered, he looked at you in the eyes, a hint of gloom clouding his misty orbitals. he had the poem memorized, but it was only the words he had carved in his mind. the feelings sealed with it, unnoticed.

taeyoung was the reason why you began writing. a simple comment of his saying that you would make a good author and your words were all prettily laid out made you want to write.

or perhaps it was not the writing you were chasing for, rather the speaker who told you that he wished to see more of your writing.

for others, writing could be a form of escape. to be under a little spell that would pull someone out of their reality. you wished you were the same. you wished your writing wasn't your reality.

anywhere you go, you were surrounded by your reality. the potted plants you should not be taking care of if it wasn't for his interest in plants and flowers. the book that was published a year ago and the soon to be published one. the colors that accented your unit which he said was such a relaxing palette. the words in your head. the flower in your chest. it was the reality made out of nothing but the person you loved.

“wait.” taeyoung’s voice snapped you out of your thoughts. he was peering over petals of red roses that were on your table.

it seemed like you forgot to clean it up earlier. well, you didn’t expect anyone to actually go to your house. such a realization was thought late.

“were you playing with roses?” taeyoung asked, frowning as he looked at it.

you’d consider that a stupid question, but taeyoung didn’t know a thing about your condition so you let it pass. there was no way in hell you’d tell him about it now. not yet. “yes.”

“so how was it?” the excitement and giddiness leaking in his tone as he plopped down next to you on the couch didn’t help. what was he even referring about? your hanahaki disease? what? as if hearing your question, he clarified his query, “does he love you?”

ah, the popular he loves me, he loves me not.

there was no need for that though, the petals you vomit each night was a clear answer. you smiled, leaning back to get seated more comfortably. “he doesn’t.”

the way those two words left your lips surprised you. no hint of hurt, sadness, or anything— it was laced with a calm tone as if retreating, surrendering, accepting. will it really be your fate?

taeyoung sighed, the smile he once had melting away. “don’t worry, it’s just a silly game anyway. the person you love probably loves you too.”

you turned to look at him. a mistake. kind eyes met yours, reassuring you of something you had already known for so long was false. there was no need to hang into that ray of hope when you were aware that it was not the case.

eyes glossy with the tears that never dared to fall, you offered him a tight-lipped smile. “thank you.”

he grinned, which you assumed was out of relief before he looked at your wall once again. “why use roses though? there are other flowers out there.”

“well, isn’t it the first flower you’d think of when you hear the word love?” you replied. “it means a lot more depending on its color, but in simple terms, it just means love and romance.”

“you seem to know a lot about it,” he remarked, not tearing his gaze away from the photograph. “why blue out of all colors?” he asked referring to the photograph you had on your wall.

“it stands for an impossible miracle.” a clear depiction of your situation. no word followed that sentence, and good thing taeyoung didn’t ask any further about why. maybe it was due to his perception that poetry writers had other symbolism hidden behind their verses, even when there was nothing and the message was just in front of their readers.

“roses are wonderful, aren’t they?”

not when they are blooming in your chest. not when its thorn embraces your lungs. not when it suffocates you. your thoughts were loud in your head. but you knew you can’t blame it for inhabiting your body. you can’t even have taeyoung blamed for it either. it was the universe’s fault for laying such a disease in humanity. “they truly are.”

“it’s my favorite,” taeyoung mused.

there was a smile that sat on your lips, a peck of gloom decorating its corners. “i know.”

how could you not when its petals were the ones that kept on coming out of your lips every evening?

a ringing coming from a device shattered the silence in your apartment. but this time, it wasn’t from yours. it was from taeyoung who was now about to leave your unit, his parents had called him to go and do his tasks in the flower shop. seemed like he had forgotten about it, considering that he’d been with you for almost an hour.

“take care and have fun for the rest of the day!” taeyoung ruffled your hair and left. his touch lingering.

your room suddenly felt empty. as if taeyoung had taken all the vibrancy it had after stepping out of it. taeyoung was your paradox— a home that housed nothing but emotions you shouldn’t regard as home, but you did. he was your home.

you coughed, a petal threatening to escape. the windpipe blocked, your chest tightening. a sorrowful smile was your only answer to the ache that was resurfacing. your gaze didn't falter, still locked on the photograph of the blue rose. to no one in particular, few words were whispered, “they are beautiful.”

“remind me again why i’m here with you?” woobin looked at the almost empty store; sleepwears displayed from the first showcase up to the last rack. it was a week after the first anniversary of your book, things had seemed to tranquil much more.

shopping during the working hours on weekdays was certainly one of the best things. the absence of people led to different advantages like having no long queue to the cashier, no people to deal with as you browse the clothes, and overall just serene shopping.

you didn’t mind it when a salesperson would go and ask you about what type or design you were looking for, they were probably getting bored having to stand for a long time and entertain just a few passing potential customers. the mall’s theme song was playing from a distant speaker, almost inaudible and muffled by the sweet piano music playing in the shop itself. keeping it up to the theme of the shop, if there was a bed in there, you’d probably be brought to sleep right after. something you weren’t sure to consider as a good aspect or bad aspect of the clothing store.

“well, you just finished posting another wonderful cover which hit a hundred thousand views in an hour, we must celebrate, right?” you replied as you picked up a pair of pastel plaid pajamas, checking the fabric quality to which you quickly marked as spandex.

woobin reached for the design next to what you picked up, eyeing it with less interest than you had. “but why are we buying pajamas?”

“because i need it.” a chuckle was heard from you after he let go of a sigh at your words. you stepped closer to him, peering over his shoulder to check the design he was checking.

“by the way,” he began, not wanting to ask more as he was aware of your love for comfortable clothes (pajamas being the top of it along with sweaters and hoodies). “i’m applying for a job in this pharmaceutical company located in another town as a medicinal chemist.”

“oh? the one you mentioned before?” you watched him go through another set of sleepwear.

it was a sudden reminder that before being known as the seo woobin who sang various songs in innumerable gigs and had built a name in the music side of youtube, he was the seo woobin who excelled in his major, organic chemistry. for years of him not applying for an actual job as a chemist anywhere and pursuing his dream career, that fact was swept out of your mind.

you met woobin in one of your electives— a chemistry class that you would probably have to retake only if he didn’t help you out. the limited slots in language classes were the ones you put your blame on, but it wasn’t completely that bad. after all, you had ended up making a good friend in the class you despised the most.

“are you going to quit singing?” worry was painted all over your face which earned a soft amused laughter from woobin. you adore his singing a lot, the comfort his mellifluous voice could bring was distinct, something you’d grown ever so fond of.

“you know, i just want to put my degree into proper use.” woobin smiled reassuringly as he tossed you a set of pajamas with the design he guessed was what you were searching for, the one with doodled roses decorating it from bottom to the top. “kind of had the urge to get a secured job.”

the clothing dumped to you went unnoticed as you fired off another question. “what about the album deal? i thought you already had one. what’s going to happen with that?”

“i will still sing.” there was no need to doubt woobin’s calm tone as he said those words. “don’t worry about it. i love singing and i’ll not stop doing it.”

“make sure to.” you walked towards another rack, finally noticing the pajamas woobin had thrown in your way earlier. staring at it for a moment, the initial thoughts about the flower easily came into your head. “this one’s cute. i’ll take it.”

unconvinced, woobin raised a brow at you. “are you sure you found it cute or there’s another reason behind you liking it?”

the other reason he was pertaining to was clear, enough to become a slap rather than a mere reminder. do you really like it or do you simply want the person you like to notice you for having something close to their favorite thing?

feeling lost to your own set of likes seemed like a normal thing. mind plagued with taeyoung’s interests that it mattered more than yours. at this point, you weren’t sure if you were doing it for him to like you back and finally get the fuzzy feeling of being loved back or you were simply desperate to stop the flowers from budding in your chest.

“i like it,” you answered after a long while of spacing out. you even nodded your head as if trying to convince yourself from a statement you weren’t sure whether to label as a lie or a truth.

“if you say so.” an indistinct sigh came across woobin, subtly shaking his head in disbelief. he didn’t go deeper into the topic though, instead uttered some words that made a bright smile grace your lips. “go and choose whichever you want. it’s on me today.”

wearing the new pair of a loose shirt and pajama, you gazed at your reflection. a curve spotted on your lips, satisfied with the new purchase. demeanor dropping as a familiar sensation crawled up to your senses. the calm night was taken aback when your chest began tightening. a petal quickly rising, stuck on your throat afterward as you tried to hold it in. however, it was a failed attempt. the urge strong that you had to run towards the bathroom to release all the petals of the vivid red rose that nurtured in your body, watered with nothing but unreturned affection.

just like any other night, the sickness came to do its visit. its terrible reminder playing in your mind. the blood that mingled with the petals was hard to discern as they were colored in the same hue; it tasted different though.

a ringing in your head as your vision started to blur, not noticing how tears had formed in your eyes as the pain emerged to be stronger than it usually was. the intensifying ache wasn’t the only one that made your tears fall. all your unnoticed efforts, regardless of how big they were, were the ones that brought salty tears. your knees buckled, allowing you to meet the ground unceremoniously. it was getting harder to breathe and the cold bathroom tiles were your only company.

it was a twisted melody. in each cough, petals would escape. it didn’t even take a long time for you to be surrounded by a sea of red petals. what a sickening view, you thought. how do people regard roses as something so beautiful?

a memory.

“dear, taeyoung is outside, waiting for you.” a few knocks on the door accompanied your mother’s call.

it was a hot summer, the sun giving no mercy with its ray as if angry with how it was neglected during the cold seasons. with a few remaining days before the start of a new quarter, you probably had spent most of your time in your room. oftentimes will you go out only at the call of a childhood friend.

“y/n.” as if stepping out of your thoughts, taeyoung had your name wrapped by his cheerful voice. “mom made homemade ice cream. come on, get out of your room already.”

if your own mother wasn’t able to pull you out of your room, taeyoung was. your feet quick to move as you checked on your reflection by the mirror, practicing a smile and some silent dialogues. all to which you weren’t really able to show when you opened the door. a faint blush crept on your cheeks as soon as your gaze landed on the bright smile taeyoung had on his own. butterflies flew free in your stomach, heart pounding.

maybe it was the way taeyoung would talk to you with an unmatched enthusiasm even if your words make no sense. maybe it was because of the vibrancy he had all around him that simply could bring comfort to anyone he was with. maybe it was due to the fact that he had been with you since you were a kid.

or maybe it was just because he was him, kim taeyoung, that your crush began budding as a love. and as soon as it did, his favorite flower, a rose, was caught in your lungs during middle school.

occupied by the sensation, your mind didn’t attend to the continuous doorbells ringing in your apartment. in a few, the door was opened, rushed footsteps along with your name uttered in sheer concern echoed in your unit. with the air knocked out by the relentless flower, from red your vision turned pitch black.

when dusk fell, woobin was already in the hospital with a drink in his hand, which was meant to be given to you. he’d been going back and forth to the hospital and his apartment to bring you food and some other items you needed.

the scene he witnessed last night was still fresh in his mind, the panic lingering. on your cold bathroom floor, you laid unconscious with petals of roses surrounding your figure. he was swift to get help, which ended up with you having to stay for almost a day in the lonely ward. your room making you feel sicker.

“oh, you’re back?” serim, the head nurse and a close friend of woobin, said as he walked towards the other.

woobin nodded, tracing the track he’d been stepping into since this morning. it was as if he could easily go to your room even with eyes closed. serim followed from behind and before he could say a word, woobin had already found your room empty. finally, he offered the nurse attention. “where’s y/n? already discharged?”

“yes, they just went to talk with their doctor for a few more reminders.” serim shook his head disapprovingly. “they should stay longer, but they seem like a very busy person.”

“y/n should just follow their doctor.” a sigh punctuated woobin’s sentence.

“and you should too,” said serim.

woobin began walking his way back to the nurse station reception to wait for you. “my case is different.”

“you’re slowly losing your voice because of your own sickness.” serim’s sigh was way heavier than woobin’s, his orbitals painted with worry. being one of woobin’s closest friends, he knew all about it. “orchids are blooming in your lungs, how are you different?”

a glare was darted to serim’s direction which became woobin’s sole reply since they both saw you approaching them. serim hunched his shoulders up, shaking his head once again before walking away.

“thank you for taking care of me,” you told woobin who handed you the drink he bought outside.

“of course,” woobin said, leading the way out.

there weren't a lot of people in the lobby. only a few were there, either the nurses turning for their night shifts or the relatives of those people staying in the hospital for the night.

“it’s getting worse, isn’t it?” woobin’s words slowed down your pace, your head turned to him as he continued. “shouldn’t you start trying to move on and finding someone who can actually love you back?”

“what do you mean?”

woobin shrugged. “it seems like it’s the only way for you to be properly healed.”

yes, moving on and falling for someone else was a considered cure as well. a change of feelings could remove the flower naturally. but doing so was easier said than done.

a sad smile became evident on your brim. how could you do that? you thought. “i can’t just fall in love with someone like it’s nothing, woobin.”

“give me a chance then.”

woobin’s words were powerful enough to make your feet stop from moving, to catch your breath and make it halt. it can’t be. you looked at him confused, wishing that you misunderstood what he said. you wished that it would be his regular sentences as he tried to make you feel better. you wished what you were thinking was a mere thought, an idea, a false gut feeling. “woobin?”

it was a question that didn’t need any elaboration. the simple call of his name with such perplexed tone was enough as a query. the same gloomy smile on his lips matched what you had earlier, accompanied by his faint chuckles. “yes,” to your horror, he confirmed. he let go of a breath, something that gave him a boost to finally utter the words he’d been meaning to say. “i’m in love with you and all i want is for the flowers in your chest to stop blossoming.”

“that means…”

to experience the same thing you had been experiencing. to give someone the same taste of your suffering. to plant a flower in someone’s chest and water it every day as you were failing to return their provided affection. it was something you didn’t wish to do, an extremely unfavorable idea which reminded you of how the universe had been unfair from the very start.

“yes, and they aren’t beautiful.” a tight-lipped smile became apparent on his countenance as he stared at the glass doors of the hospital. a few more steps and both of you will be out of the place the two of you frequented on different days, but for the same means— a fleeting cure for the ache caused by hanahaki. “the pain we’re both carrying out of unrequited love. it isn’t beautiful, y/n.”

a lump in your throat stopped any possible reply from coming out of your lips. you wanted to apologize, but an apology from taeyoung wasn’t the thing you’d want to hear from him after you confess and you assumed such wouldn’t give comfort to woobin as well. an apology wouldn’t be enough when you were already striping away someone with their lives.

rather untimely, the door opened, revealing taeyoung. he was holding a basket of flowers, probably for some kind of delivery. with hinted concern, he walked towards you and woobin. “what are you doing here?”

“stomach ache.” regardless of your mangled thoughts, it was a surprise that you were able to respond as soon. it was as if such sickness was a practiced lie.

“is that so?” taeyoung looked at woobin to confirm and the older just nodded not wanting to speak more. he turned to you, his worry dropping a few levels, but was still obvious. “let me just bring this flower to a friend and i’ll walk you home. will that be alright?”

you looked at woobin, silently asking if he would be okay with that. it was such a silly act, of course, he would be against it. but what can he do? just like him, the person you had grown fond of hasn't reciprocated your feelings yet. both of you probably wishing the same thing— for the flowers to wither and be gone. for the restless nights to end. to be loved back. the only difference was woobin was so focused on you that he had forgotten about his condition which was worsening at the same rate as yours.

he patted your shoulder. “sure, i need to head somewhere else anyway. get home safely?”

“i will, you too, woobin.” you gave woobin a smile, guilt sitting in your stomach which was continuously twisting.

woobin weakly mirrored the feature before turning his back to you and taeyoung. as he was stepping out of the establishment, he looked at the twinkling stars, hoping this night would be kinder. but he was certain he’d be the one coughing out orchids tonight, probably worse than your roses.

the stars from above watched you and taeyoung walk on the now empty sidewalk. even without the illumination coming from the lampposts, it was all so bright. all in gratitude for the moon which served as a ball of shining light in the clear night sky.

"you've been sick since we were kids, but you never told me what with." taeyoung broke the silence, uncertain if he should go further. “was it really because of stomach ache earlier?”

a chill ran down your spine, making you inwardly shiver. that wasn’t the talk you were so ready to face. and after what happened last night, you can’t simply bring another lie. however, telling taeyoung everything wasn’t something you planned to do as well. afraid that rejection would become the final straw.

taeyoung stopped dead on his tracks, looking at you with nothing but sheer concern. “is there anything bothering you?”

you gave him a smile which was obviously forced. “don’t worry about it.” you urged him to continue to walk and he did, but just as you thought that you were already safe from his questions, he asked another.

“it’s not a stomach ache wasn’t it?” hands on his back, his gaze was fixated on the road. “what was it, y/n?”

maybe it was time to tell taeyoung about it? maybe— “hanahaki.” the words subconsciously slipped out of your tongue.

“what?” surprised by the mention of the disease, his eyes were wide when he whipped his head to your direction. “you mean… your love is unrequited?”

taeyoung was quick to catch the gist of the disease. it was pretty much a popular sickness that had probably made some of his other friends suffer. the only thing he wasn’t quick to get was… who your feelings were for.

“woobin doesn’t like you back?” he asked, snapping you out of your thoughts which was purely of practicing the possible explanations if he ended up recognizing your feelings for him. and apparently, he didn’t.

it was your turn to shoot him a look. “what?”

“don’t you like woobin?” he averted his gaze and it trailed back to the road. “i mean the two of you seem like really close friends and you’re together most of the time.”

you didn’t know whether you should be relieved or not. but since you were still unprepared to offer any explanation, you just went with the flow. a bitter smile coming to your lips. your head had his name on your sentence, regardless of how you uttered another man’s name. “yes, i like woobin. but it seems like he doesn’t feel the same way.”

“maybe you should… try moving on?”

the way taeyoung suggested the same thing made you laugh, confusing the person beside you. to move on, huh? was that what the universe wanted you to do? to move on? a smile lingered on your visage, as you stepped on the stairs with taeyoung following you behind. it was just funny how he thought you were in love with woobin, when in fact the flower he adored the most was living in your lungs. that he was the person you were in love with, not any other person.

stopping at the front step, the worry that sat on his orbitals didn’t waver. the look asking if you’d be alright tonight— you already knew the answer. “take care, okay? if you need anything, just call me. good night.”

as soon as you closed the door, it began. the coughing that seemingly just waited for you to step into your unit came rushing. a petal waving in the air before meeting the ground. “i need your love, taeyoung. i badly need it.”

the smell of freshly done pancakes wafted up to your bed, a few noises coming from the kitchen followed. it was a gentle alarm that pushed you to wake up and get out of your bed. too groggy, a foot still on the dream you were having, you didn’t think that whoever was in the kitchen could be a thief or anything. well, who in their proper mind would cook food for the owner of the house if they were only to snatch things after?

a few days ago, you had an extreme case of hanahaki, something that led you to stay in the hospital overnight. after that, it had seemed to subside or at least be more gentle during the evening, resulting in more hours of sleep.

“woobin?” you called his name as you watched him turn off the stove, placing the fluffy pancakes onto a plate. there was already a hot chocolate ready for you to drink. you didn’t even question how he got inside. probably jungmo, the landowner, gave him the code to your room. oh, talk about privacy.

his smile was as warm as the morning sunrays. “good morning.” his voice was a little hoarse, normally you wouldn’t really pay attention to that. when he recorded songs too much in a day, he’d end up with such. but now that you knew he was experiencing hanahaki, a question hung in your head. was it because of the coughing? your thoughts dropped at the sound of his voice, still mellow regardless. “i’ve cooked you breakfast.”

“don’t you have work to do?” you asked, remembering how during the past days he’d been telling you about his new work— the slot in that pharmaceutical company as a medicinal chemist. you dragged a chair before occupying it, looking at him as he placed all the things he used in the sink. a curve became visible on your lips as your eyes fell to what he prepared. it was just pancakes, but it was woobin’s pancakes. he was such an amazing cook, you could vouch for that. “thank you by the way.”

“work? ah yeah.” he took the seat adjacent to yours, a cup of coffee in his hands. he grinned at you and you swore, your heart was in ultimate chaos when you heard his next words. “i took on the job of taking care of you for free starting today.”

sunlight filtered through the glass door of the flower shop, highlighting the wide variety of spring flowers. ranunculus, tulips, and calla lilies were all displayed along with other non-seasonal plants. there weren't a lot of customers coming, given that there were flowers available to be picked up in some public gardens. regardless, there were still a few who would come and get flowers arranged for some special occasions. but then again, it was just morning. it was rather too early to judge the possible count of customers later.

“jungmo’s coughing out petals now,” allen, one of the workers in the flower shop. said.

taeyoung looked at him, pausing his actions of tying a yellow ribbon in the bouquet of tulips. with a brow raised, he asked, “hanahaki?”

putting the freshly done arrangement of peonies, allen tapped on the counter which called the attention of the delivery man. he pointed out the card which contained the address and watched the other go out to deliver the item. dragging a stool to sit on, he stretched his arms. “seems to be. he’s coughing out petals of his crush’s favorite flower, crocus. i don’t think it’s a mere crush now though.”

“oh, so the flower that blooms in a body experiencing hanahaki would be the favorite flower of the person they like?” taeyoung asked as he finished the bouquet he was working on. he retrieved stems of roses and cut them nicely, removing the thorns and excess leaves.

“yes,” allen replied. “you like roses right?”

taeyoung only nodded, a memory alighting in his head. it can’t be—

“that means the person who likes you, but ends up with a one-sided love would end up having roses in their chest,” allen continued, causing taeyoung’s hand to stop from moving. the younger’s eyes fixated on the collection of red roses in his hands.

“it’s my favorite,” taeyoung mused.

there was a smile that sat on your lips, a peck of gloom decorating its corners. “i know.”

the flower growing in your chest was his favorite flower, roses?

it was him all this time?

right at that moment, there was one thing taeyoung would want to address himself as. an idiot. realizations came crashing to him like a powerful wave that held no mercy. it was ice cold, his body freezing at each thought that his mind welcomed.

the petals he found on your desk weren't there because of a silly game of he loves me, he loves me not. it was the petals you coughed out and forgot to clean.

“are you okay?” allen asked, momentarily snapping taeyoung out of his daze.

the twisting on taeyoung stomach was unbearable. his heart racing not with flutters, but rather with anxious thoughts. he was the cause of your pain?

with an almost inaudible voice, taeyoung let out of his horror. “y/n likes me.”

continuous taps on the keyboard, words appearing on the screen only for the flow to stop with punctuation. in sync, the doorbell rang. you no longer wondered who it was. it had always been him.

you stood up and shuffled towards the door, opening it before welcoming the male with a warm curve in your face. “it’s lunch already?”

woobin nodded, handing you a bag of still hot dishes he cooked probably not more than an hour ago. he followed you as you made your way to the dining area. when the male said he’d be taking care of you starting that specific breakfast, he stuck to his words, visiting you almost every day. the only exception was when he had to meet a producer. his own album was in the process of being finalized.

you placed the bag down and woobin walked towards your cupboard. where to find the things was already memorized. it was as if he was living in the very unit.

“so how’s your morning?” he asked as he placed two plates on the table.

“woke up a bit late, but i was able to finish the last set of poetry i’ve been meaning to write!” the spark in your eyes was a lot brighter than the past days. it was easily contagious as woobin found himself having the same amount of glee. “i’ll print the last parts and let you read, wait.”

woobin shook his head, a smile crossing his brim as he watched you go to your workspace to do what you said. as he finished setting up your lunch, he took a seat and waited for you. just like you, woobin was experiencing fewer symptoms. his voice was no longer that raspy and he was able to post new song covers almost every week regardless of his current busy schedule with other recordings.

“here!” with unwavering enthusiasm, you extended your hand for him to reach the printed papers. you sat on the seat across him, gazing at the food which only made your mouth water. eyes already feeding off the sight of the meat dishes.

“this is quite interesting,” woobin remarked. “is this the last one?”

you nodded at his words when he showed you the last page. “i figured that it could be the best way to end it.”

“it sure does.” woobin served you by putting meat on the top of your rice. “eat up.”

just like the past days, you enjoyed lunch with woobin. a few talks here and there, though most of the time the two of you were silent. not the terrible kind of silence, but a good one. something comforting. and maybe that kind of silence was all you needed.

after the meal, the two of you sat on the couch. the television served as background noise as you run down the things you have to do this afternoon.

“you seem to be happier the past days, did you get yourself another contract?” woobin asked once you were done telling him where to drive you today, the flower shop and to your editor’s place.

“i do?” you caught sight of the lone photograph of roses on your wall. the poetry that accompanied it once was now resting on your table. “i haven’t been coughing recently.” your cheerfulness evident when your eyes wrinkled into crescents as you turned your head towards the direction where woobin was sitting. “maybe he’s starting to like me!”

a soft beam hugged woobin’s visage, contented with the result you were having. for your own flower to stop blooming, that was all he wished for. his mind got him best though, speaking without much thought as he eyed the last poem you wrote once again. “or maybe you’re starting to like him less.”

blinking in confusion, woobin handed you back the printed papers you gave him earlier. it was on the last page. the words were probably a clear indication of your feelings.

zest gone. pen dropped. book closed. lock kept. no word survived.

those words weren’t the most gleeful of words, but it carried freedom. something you’d been wishing you could get out of taeyoung’s labyrinth of roses. something you never knew would finally come to you.

“right?” woobin pulled you out of your own thoughts. “i’ve been coughing less as well and i can guarantee that you’re the only one i like.”

“that means…?”

“you’re slowly moving on, y/n.” woobin gave your head a light pat. his beam growing warmer as he looked at you. “you’re moving on.”

before going to the place where you were to meet your editor, you asked woobin to stop by the flower shop. knowing your editor, she’d probably love some dahlias and irises.

upon entering the shop, the same floral scent you had been accustomed to since you were younger embraced you. however, instead of taeyoung greeting you, the expression in his face— wide eyes after a gasp— was a little perplexing. you raised a brow at him, stepping closer to the counter with woobin following you from behind.

“dah—”

“can we have a moment?” taeyoung’s question interrupted your own set of words.

with a head tilted to the side, you didn’t make an effort to hide your confusion. the seemingly forced smile he had, which was quite too awkward for your liking was not a help at all. you turned to look at woobin, asking if it would be alright for him to wait. “will it be okay?”

“sure.” woobin shrugged, trying to act as nonchalant as he could. something he was successful in doing so. “i’ll buy you a drink while i wait. just send me a message if you’re done.”

“thank you, woobin.” and with those words said, you watched woobin leave the establishment. as soon as he did, your stomach sunk. there was no one else in the flower shop, it seemed like the other staff had already left.

taeyoung gestured to you to sit on an empty stool next to the counter, but you declined. instead, you leaned to it, urging him to speak what he wanted to talk about. he wasn’t the kind to be hesitant with such, but now, it was as if his tongue was tied in hundreds of knots and words can’t just be delivered.

“you’re experiencing hanahaki, right?” a stiff start. not only you, but taeyoung could feel how unnatural it sounded. no cheeky grins, no bright tone. it was flat and dripping with nervousness you weren’t aware taeyoung could be under the state of. “how are you?”

“i’m alright.” you chuckled at his words, letting loose of the already tensed atmosphere. as much as you were nervous for what was to come, you didn’t want it to spread on your formerly cheerful mood. “come on, taeyoung. i’m not going to be mad or anything.”

it partially helped taeyoung who had a small smile on his visage. but his eyes were still unable to meet yours as he locked his gaze on something else, the flowers healthily blooming inside the shop. “you were coughing out… roses, right?”

you hummed as a reply. finally taking the offer to sit. “yes, your favorite.”

“that means that you like me?” taeyoung took the seat next to your stool.

surprisingly, instead of worrying about how your little secret got figured out, you had an opposite feeling. you were relieved. there was no anxiety about him giving you the possibly worst rejection, no concern about how he could possibly shatter a thorned heart.

whatever made him realize such a thing, you were thankful. at least you no longer have to go through excessive explanations.

but there was something you would want to clarify.

“i used to like you a lot,” you said, giving an emphasis to the phrase: used to. a relieved sigh left your lips, satisfied with how everything was happening. it wasn’t as bad as you imagined. “you don’t have to worry now though, i’m gradually moving on.”

“still. you had to suffer from that for years,” he trailed. “i’m sorry.”

“it’s okay taeyoung.” your tight-lipped smile turned into a genuine one. the moment you shifted your gaze to look at taeyoung, you met his eyes. regardless of the pain it brought you, there was in no way you saw yourself blaming taeyoung. you liked him. and that summed it up. “your brightness was a blessing and never did i regret liking you despite the thorns and petals brought by it.”

his slightly soaked eyes were an indication of his former worry, which was slowly being washed away by a good amount of reassurance. “i’m glad.”

“you no longer have to worry about the roses, taeyoung.” stripping down the photographs on your wall for the past days, you replaced them with other photographs. you were sure the delusion was coming to an end. yes, the roses were indeed beautiful. but its thorn wasn’t as astonishing. “it’s withering.”

a stray tear slipped out of your eye and taeyoung didn’t only catch the tear, his arms were wrapped around you in such a warm hug. you were sure no petals would come out of your lips again. the warmth that embraced your body conveyed a closing home.

it’s time to move out and find a home that has no garden.

you no longer despised the spring. the beautiful flowers surrounding the town were no longer catching distasteful looks from you. your lungs free from spring. hand wrapped around woobin’s, the warm rays of the remaining afternoon sunlight filtered through the thick leaves of the trees the two of you would pass by.

another book was published, all containing the last words for your former muse. the title didn’t hide anything, quite an obvious choice: kalopsia.

three times a week you would go out for a book signing while woobin, now your boyfriend, would fetch you every time. he was busy himself with the recording of his album which was to be released by the end of the month. but he never missed going to the venue where your book signing would take place. by now, he probably had about nine signed copies of your book.

“you experienced hanahaki as well, right?” you asked woobin as you passed by a shop that had orchids hanging on the wall. petals of lush yellow, pink and purple decorating it.

woobin chuckled, taken aback by your unexpected question. “i did.”

“how was it?”

“it was weird. i mean coughing out petals so suddenly.” he looked at you, only to see your furrowed brows. something that made him laugh once again. “what do you expect me to answer?”

“that made you realize that you like me?”

“don’t be silly. even before the first petal left my lips, i knew i already liked you.” a contented smile graced his brim. even before that, the way his heart would thump in his chest as if it had run a marathon, the way a dumb smile would hang on his lips once he saw you, the way he would be subconsciously adoring you while you were busy writing, the way he wanted to be beside you, the way he wished to hold you closer— it all happened before a petal of orchid escaped the confines of his mouth.

a faint blush became apparent on your cheeks, giving it such a cute color. “and up until now you still like me…”

“correction, it’s liked. past tense,” woobin said, laughing at how your expression shifted. he took a big step and stopped right in front of you, he turned to face you with his hand still holding yours. “now, i love you.”

the weather wasn’t as hot since the sun was preparing for the twilight, but your cheeks were. it was accompanied by the wild flutters in your stomach. letting go of woobin’s hand (a reflex to hide how flustered his words got you), your ears were enveloped by his sweet, sweet chuckle. you walked past through him in such rushed footsteps, a peal of laughter escaping your lips as you did so. “i can’t believe you had to say that in that way.”

however, you were not even that far from him when woobin caught you. your steps halted when he locked you in a back hug, giving your cheek a light peck which simply made it more flushed. “i love you more than you’d ever know,” he carefully whispered to your ear.

you chuckled at the gestures, his words tickling you. regardless of how playful it seemed to be, you knew woobin was dead serious with it. he detached himself from you, only to hold your hand once more and walk beside you.

glancing at your interlaced fingers, you leaned your head to his shoulder. “i love you too, woobin.”

“i love you so much, y/n,” he replied, gently squeezing your hand.

to be able to look at the flowers without thinking about how they budded in your body, to rest every evening without worrying about the petals disrupting your serene night, to be right next to the person you love and loves you, there was nothing else you could wish for.

the flowers in your chest had long ago stopped blooming. it went the same way with woobin. but little did you know... orchids started blooming on someone else’s body, slowly growing on the chest of the person who once caused you to have roses hugging your lungs.

and just like how you first found those roses beautiful, taeyoung thought those orchids were too.

[atinydise]

Ateez saying something hurtful to their s/o (2/2)

❦ Genre: Angst.

❦ Pairing: OT8.

❦ Word count: Around 2k.

❦ Masterlist.

Part 1

SAN

San and you were dating for 6 months. You were really close. Sharing the same braincell sometimes. As a couple, you got your good and hard times. Especially when San was jealous. You knew how to comfort him but this time, you didn’t want to.

It was summer, it means the time of parties. Ateez were invited to Oneus Summer Party. San invited you, you were his girlfriend. He knew you could have a good time, dancing, singing. As a party you wanted to look pretty for your man. So, you choose a black skinny dress and white sneakers. It was 9 pm when you hear a knock at your door. You took your jacket and opened the door. “Hi babe.” Said San. He couldn’t leave his eyes from you. But didn’t said anything, except “ready to go?” “Yes! You look gorgeous San-ie!” he nodded and went back to the car were all the members were waiting for you. When you entered the car, all their eyes were on you. “Oh, wow Y/N! You are so pretty!” Yelled Wooyoung. “Thank you!” You giggled. The rest of the road was funny, all the boys were excited. But you noticed that San was a bit distant. Maybe there was something in his mind. You’ll asked when both of you would be alone. The car stopped and the boys rushed to the big house in front of you. Oneus was not joking with this party. You saw San walking in front of you with Wooyoung and Xion. You bowed to the host and thanked him for the invitation. You heard the music being louder, everyone was shouting. Ravn with a mic in his hand, “THE PARTY CAN BEGIN!!” You joined Ateez on the dancefloor. They managed to attire all the attention because of their amazing moves. You watched your boyfriend, he was killing it. He was really enjoying dancing and singing. This career was made for him. After few minutes of dance, you find a way out of the crowd. It was hot and intense. Water was needed. You went to the bar, asking “Hi can I get a virgin Mojito?” “Yes of course, pretty lady.” Complimented you the bartender. You blushed lightly. One thought crossed your mind. Everyone said that you were pretty, but your boyfriend didn’t. Maybe he didn’t like the dress. You started to over-think when the bartender gave you your glass. “Here’s your virgin-Mojito, beautiful.” “Thank you.” You started to walk out of the bar when he said, “Can I get your number at least? I don’t want to miss the opportunity to talk with you again.” Before you have enough time to say no, you heard San voice. “Sorry but she’s taken.” Putting his hand on your waist. The other guy said sorry and went back to his work. Your boyfriend was leading you to a quiet corner. “Ouch, San! You are hurting me.” His grips on your waist was strong. He was definitively pissed. “Can you stop being so flirty with everyone?” He whispered to you. You could barely hear him because of the loud music, but his words were loud and hurtful into your heart. “What? I was just taking my cocktail, I- don’t-.” “I know how you are when you are flirting with someone!” Moving closer to your face. “No, you don’t! I wasn’t flirting with this guy!” He scoffed, “And why did you choose this dress then? It’s so short! Everyone can look at you!” You sighed, San was jealous, once again. You know now why he didn’t say anything about your outfit since he came to your house. “I wanted to look pretty for you, San-ie…” you gripped his arms slowly for comfort him. But you didn’t expect him to push you lightly. “This dress is a problem! I can’t handle it. And why are you so flirty? Why are you so easy?” You looked at him, shocked. How dare he? You just wanted to slap him, but it won’t help to fix this situation. “Okay then bye.” That’s the only words you could say at the moment. You couldn’t believe your ears. San was always happy when you made yourself pretty for him. And to be honest, you wore few skirts shorter than this dress at your dates. Angrily, you exited the party and walked towards your house. Hopefully that wasn’t too far.

MINGI

Mingi and you were good friends, well before his debut in Ateez. You both know that you have feeling each other but kind of feel shy about it. You crossed the lines many times, exchanged kisses but doing like nothing happened 1 minute later. Since the Wonderland comeback, Mingi was feeling alone and depressed because of his back pain. You decided to take care of him. But he doesn’t see this like you.

You texted Mingi for prevent that you will be at Ateez dorm in 10 minutes with a lot of movies. You received a simple “ok” 1 minute later. You couldn’t stop thinking about your friend being alone day and night since Ateez was promoting Wonderland in Korea and overseas. He told you that everything was okay, but you know how he likes to be with his team and Atinys. When you knocked at the door dorm, you weren’t expecting him to open this fast. Was he waiting for you? “Hi Mingi!” you smiled at him. “Hi Y/N. It’s been a while.” As he stepped back to let you enter in the apartment. You giggled, “I’ve been here yesterday!”. “I know but it’s long here without you.” You pushed him softly, “such a playboy” you thought. “I took good movies for us tonight!” you almost yelled from excitement. You take out all the DVDs of your bag. “Jurassic Park, Narnia, Glass...” As he looks at the cover, “Good choices Y/N.” You smiled, proud of you. You went to the kitchen for prepare the popcorn, as always. You opened all the cupboard to find the pack but nothing. “Mingi where’s the popcorn?” as you entered back to the living-room seeing your friend busy with the TV. “On the top of the fridge, I’ll help you to get it.” He stood up from the couch, but you shouted at him. “No! Think of your back, I’ll get it!” He sighed, “I can do it, it’s not high.” You put yourself between Mingi and the fridge, “No! I’ll take a chair and do it by myself!” He massaged his temple. Pissed. But you didn’t care. He needed to rest. “You can go back to the TV, I’ll be here in 5 minutes!” He hummed and left the kitchen. You took a chair and reached the popcorn on the fridge. “Don’t dare to start before me Song Mingi!” you threatened your friend. He was mad. You know it. Mingi was never silent with you except when something bothers him. After few minutes, you went back to the living-room, sitting next to him. He was on his phone, scrolling on Twitter. He loved to see Atiny’s posts, with his fake account, even follow one of them sometimes. You played the movie. He chose Narnia. You were already at the scene were the kid meet the Icy Queen, when you saw that Mingi wasn’t paying any attention to the movie. Still on his phone. “Are Atinys saying interesting things? You are not leaving your phone.” As you grab few popcorns. He hummed again. You started to be annoyed. He can be mad of course, but you were just trying to help him. Like that he could go back to Ateez, fast as possible. You put back your concentration on the movie. 30 minutes later, you noticed that he was still on his phone. Playing candy crush. “Mingi if you wanted to be alone, you could just tell me before I came here.” You said frustrated. For the first time since the movie started, he paid attention to you. “I don’t know what you mean.” “You are not watching the movie.” As you pointed the phone on his hands. “Oh, now I can’t use my phone? I can’t help you to reach popcorn and now this?” You scoffed, “what the heck are you talking about? You’re really mad because-“. “I can do it by myself Y/N! Stop doing everything for me like I was an incapable!” he tossed at you. “You are always here telling me what I cannot do because of my damn back!” “Mingi… I-I” “You what Y/N? If you can’t at least make me relax then leave! I don’t need you here.” You heard enough. You knew he didn’t mean it, but it hurts you to hear that when you just want to be someone who brings him joy. You threw the blanket at him, packed back your stuff and exited the dorm.

WOOYOUNG

Wooyoung were your boyfriend for 4 years. You were close before Ateez debuted. You always here with him for every big step of his life. For example, when he auditioned for KQ Entertainment because Yeosang was going there too. When he met the members of Ateez for the first time. When they released their first album. Or when they got their first win. You were with him more than you two could think. Maybe that was a problem.

It was late, Ateez was filming the last scene of their new MV Wonderland. All the marching band was there. It was amazing. You couldn’t remove your eyes from your boyfriend, Wooyoung. He was doing is best. When the music stopped, you heard the director saying that they did a real good job. All the group went to the staff for fix their make-up and their hair for the photo shoot. “You were awesome guys! Atinys would love it for sure!” you said to them. “Thank you, Y/N!” smiled Hongjoong. “Wooyoung!” you almost ran to your boyfriend. “What?” That was cold. Maybe he was tired, it was 2 am. At least that’s what you hoped. “You were amazing!” “Thank you, Y/N.” he said and went to the staff without saying anything. Your eyes couldn’t leave him. What was happening. The distance that he put between him and you, isn’t normal. You tried again to talk to Wooyoung. “Wooyoung are you okay?” He sighed, “Yes Y/N, I’m fine. Don’t you have anything to do?” You looked at your boyfriend again “what do you mean? I came to cheer you and the guys, like-.” “I didn’t ask you to come this time.” He put his hands in his hair angrily, but it was so hot. “If you don’t want me there, then just tell me!” you shouted at him. You could feel all the stare on Wooyoung and you. You hated to argue with him in public. But his behavior was strange. “You are so distant tonight, what’s happening to you?” “I’m distant because you are so clingy! Can I breathe without you being around?” he yelled at you. For the first time in 4 years of relationship, he screamed at you. You just wanted to hide in a hole for the rest of your life. Sadly, he added, “You are always there, I can’t make a move without you being near!” He couldn’t add a word that you threw his coat on the floor, “Then bye, I won’t be around all of you anymore!”. You gripped the necklace that he gave you for your 2nd anniversary and threw it with his coat. He looked shook, but that’s what he deserved, you thought. You gave back the coat that one of a make-up staff gave you because of the cold, bowed to the team and went back to the street to find a taxi. For sure, it was the last time, you’ll saw Wooyoung in your life.

JONGHO

As the maknae, Jongho were reserved. Always listening to his hyungs. When you started to date, he was not really someone that you could call “lovely”. Or at least not when the group was there. Of course, he was enjoying time with you but not too far.

You were with all the members at the arcade game. They got a free day. Jongho asked you to come with them since you had a day off too. “Y/N! You are cheating!” Shouted San as you were playing basketball with him. “How I can cheat with this game, San? You are just a loser!” you giggled. San hates to lose. And it was worse when he loses against you. As you were waiting for your turn, you hugged the back of your boyfriend who were talking with Yunho. You sent him tense a bit.  The fact he doesn’t like to be flirty near his hyungs was funny to you. They told him many times that they didn’t care but still. You heard San yelled that he ruined your score. You went back to him, decided to take your revenge. As always, you won. San would be pouty and go to Wooyoung. You loved how these guys were clingy to each other. Jongho came to you, few seconds later. You smiled at him, but you saw that he was mad. “Are you okay Jongho?” asked confused. “Can we talk few minutes?” he started, grabbing your wrist, “Alone”. It’s serious, you thought. The boys didn’t notice the situation. Jongho made his way to the little garden, still grabbing your wrist, a bit too strong for you. He doesn’t know how to contain his strength sometime. “What’s happening Jongho?” you asked worried. “Can you stop doing all your flirty things when my Hyungs are around?” You blinked. Flirty things? You couldn’t barely remember what you’ve done. “Are you talking about the back hug I gave you twenty minutes ago?” you sounded sarcastic. He scoffed, “Yes! That was awkward! In front of Yunho-hyung.” You crossed your arms on your chest, trying to calm down. “Jongho, you need to stop with these awkward things. It’s just hugs.” He sighed, “for you maybe.” “Yes, and we are not making out in front of them so stop!” He couldn’t believe his ears. “Why do you need to be so selfish? Always thinking about you?” Were you selfish? You just wanted to have a good time with your boyfriend and his team. You wanted to reply but he cut you off “I wish sometimes that I didn’t fell in love with you! Especially when you are like that!” Your eyes went wide. Did he really just say that? To you? “Then I will help to realize your wish. Bye Jongho.” You left him alone in the garden. Rushing inside to take your bag and your jacket. You didn’t answer to the boys when they called you and asked you what was happening. You just wanted to cry peacefully at home. Without being annoying to anyone.

Part 1 

[slasherscream]

Poly JD and Veronica Headcanons where you and JD share a braincell and Verona is like “,,,nO!”

A/N: this guy knows what i’m about

              jd x reader x veronica ft. chaotic bastards and their tired wrangler 

                                                     ——————– 

You’d always been a little wild. The boldest of Veronica’s friends. Bold enough that you hadn’t allowed yourself to get run out of her life just because Chandler was determined to make a pet project out of your best friend. Fuck the social structure of high-school and your place within it. 

It was a small tug-of-war over her at all times but more often than not Veronica always gravitated back to you even as she played right hand to Heather (which never failed to enrage her). Then the most mythic bitch in school kicked the bucket-

You were in the cafeteria trying to decide if you wanted to gag because of the food or because of all this sudden pretending that Heather Chandler was a fallen angel.

The reason you haven’t been voicing your thoughts is because no one would want to hear them. At the moment not even Veronica would appreciate them. That you could tell, which was surprising. You’d been able to tell that the pressure of being first class high-school royalty had started getting to her in the last few months. She’d let some of your more scathing comments towards the Heathers begin to slide. She’d even started making some of her own. The thought of those good times brings a smile to your face. 

Someone walks by your table, blowing like a trumpet into a tissue and whimpering Heather’s name. Your good will is short-lived.

“Oh get a life,” You scoff under your breath.

“So someone else does find this little display sickening.” You look to your left and there’s Veronica’s unexpected boy toy, Jason Dean. Before him you thought she was done with high-school guys. There are exceptions to every rule, you guess.

“Beyond sickening,” You’ve bottled up so many of your real feelings all day that you can’t stop your motor mouth from getting away from you, “The simple act of dying does not Mother Teresa make. This is a clown show           the girl was a stone cold bitch.“ 

A moment of silence and then laughter. The genuine kind that makes your shoulders shake no matter how quiet you do it. Despite your bad mood the sound makes you smile. 

“The name’s-”

“I know your name.” You interrupt and hold out your hand, “I’m Veronica’s best friend. Y/N.“ 

“Well then…. seems this meeting was overdue.” He shakes your hand but you two linger for a moment longer than necessary. 

So that’s, that.

Veronica feels a small bit of dread when she’s walking to her locker and sees you and JD both leaning against it, not even noticing her yet, so focused on one another. 

There’s no jealousy at how close you two are leaned into each others space though she thinks there should be.

Right before she can make up her mind on it you two notice her at the same time and both your faces light up. So there’s that as well       

You and Veronica start to get close again in the days following the death of Heather. Although there was no real distance in the relationship before other than a Chandler sized wedge that often tried (but failed) to come between you two.

Now she’s gone and Veronica …. Veronica seems like she’s trying to lean on you. Like she wants to tell you something but can’t find the words. You had to pull her out the shower yesterday. She was fully clothed and just sitting on the floor of her tub. She might’ve been crying but with the shower spray you couldn’t tell and she’d pulled herself together quickly. 

You don’t mean to talk about Veronica’s newfound emotional state with JD. But you were a little shaken up and when you walked into 7/11 to find him there you were talking before you could stop yourself. A reoccurring theme.

“I don’t want to sound …cold or something but I just don’t get why this is effecting her so much. She hated Heather, you know. Sure they were “friends” but Veronica hated her. But she’s like…actually depressed and shit.“ You say, shaking your head. “It’s just weird-” “Well she’s got us looking out for her. She’ll be fine.” JD throws an arm around your shoulder and without thinking you reach up to squeeze his hand. You’re too deep in thought to see how his face softens as he watches you. 

You hear the rumor Kurt and Ram are spreading about Veronica and want to put your fist through a wall. Or through them.

You run into JD before you run into Veronica.

You were skipping a class, hiding out behind the school and trying to get control of your temper. A shadow falls over you and you look up ready to snap at a fellow classmate or play innocent to a teacher. It’s just JD and the anger on your face settles because you know he won’t judge you for it. 

“What’s got you in a mood?” He asks and sounds like he actually gives a damn about the answer. 

“Have you heard the shit Kurt and Ram are saying about Veronica? It’s fucking disgusting. They’re disgusting-” “What are they saying about Veronica?” He interrupts you before you can start in on a rant about how much you hate Tweedledum and Tweedledee. He looks much more alert and serious than he had a minute ago even as he slumps against the wall next to you, shoulders and sides pressed together. 

You tell him. You tell him about the specific bullshit they’re pulling with Veronica right now. You tell him about the bullshit of the past they’ve put many a innocent through. You tell him everything that’s ever made you want to put those two six feet in the ground and lower. 

“Little intense.” JD says at the end of it all even as he’s eyeing you with a renewed interest. His jaw is still set with anger the same way yours is. You think about how you’re both bound to get a headache or cramp soon. 

“Maybe they deserve a little bit more than a little intense,” You snap and then regret it, “I’m sorry. Veronica’s been through enough this week and I’m kinda just ready to start swinging at this point. Swinging a knife." 

"If you do start swinging a knife give me a call and I’ll help you get rid of the body, tiger.”

You both sound a little too serious about your casual banter and you both part ways….wondering, to say the least. 

Veronica breaks that afternoon when you’re comforting her about the jock duo and trying your hardest to be sweet and understanding about how she must be (somehow) missing Heather Chandler. 

Turns out you were right about Veronica acting weird. It’s not really grief so much as it is guilt coloring her actions because she and JD totally killed her.

You feel shock but not disgust. Veronica couldn’t do anything to disgust you except occasionally get the wrong snacks for movie night. You love her. She’s your best friend (and truthfully a lot more, but that’s not important) and you hold her close as she finally cries, pressing kisses to her head and cooing comfortingly all while you think carefully about JD. 

You do the dumb, impulsive thing and tell him you know the very next time you see him. He yanks you into an empty classroom faster than you can blink.

You should probably be scared of being alone with him. But you just pull yourself from his bruising grip and sit down on the teacher’s desk impassively.

Eventually your calm makes him calm even though your silence itself should be unnerving. Or maybe you’re just two cats playing a waiting game with each other. Nothing but the tension before the pounce. Finally       “First off I’m not gonna tell anyone because I’d never do anything to get Veronica in trouble. Second? Well … if there was ever someone at this school that needed to die-”

That’s how you find yourself involved in the plot to get back at Kurt and Ram. Instantly you know JD is lying when he says Ich Luge bullets because you do happen to be taking German this year. Also it just sounds like grade A bullshit. But even as you and JD exchange a knowing glance while Veronica isn’t looking you don’t call him out on it. 

JD kills Ram and Veronica misses Kurt, thinking this is all far less serious than it is. You take the gun from her and give chase, herding him back towards JD where he shoots him and you’re both left staring at each other with a level of captivation that can’t be normal. Then you glance at Veronica.

There’s was a satisfaction to seeing the two get what they deserve until you see Veronica’s fast building panic. Which is great … because now you feel guilty.

You soothe her as best as you can while JD sets the scene of the crime to perfection and Veronica makes a hasty note. 

The three of you rush back to the car where you hide and Veronica and JD make out to throw off the cop you know isn’t far behind.

Once he leaves you poke your head up from the backseat and are met with the sight of your best friend in a bra and her boyfriend shirtless. You try to look away respectfully but you know you gawked for a second, Veronica’s red face and JD’s smug smirk telling you that much. The embarrassment is blessedly short lived before Veronica begins to blow her top. 

Another few days another funeral. You try to ignore all the feelings that have been welling up inside you. It doesn’t really work and so, despite wanting to be there for Veronica through another difficult time (caused by totally avoidable murder), you’ve been avoiding both her and JD. 

Until JD comes crawling through your window. He doesn’t pull any punches when he asks you if you’re regretting what the three of you did but upon studying your stricken expression just from seeing him quickly changes the question. 

"You feel it too?” and well…. isn’t that interesting. You don’t do anything else together but confirm your mutual feelings. After-all neither of you would ever do anything to hurt Veronica. 

But JD seems certain that Veronica is just as in love with you as you are with her. Which is why he drags you out of your room and to Veronica’s house in the dead of the night just to force you both to confess to each other. 

He doesn’t kiss you until after Veronica has and it feels like some sort of pact. You were in it before but now you’re his and Veronica’s and more importantly than both those things Veronica belongs to the two of you. 

There are still a lot of people who you both want dead but you, being Veronica’s best friend, convince JD for the sake of your relationship’s longevity to not kill everyone who is a problem in Veronica’s life. 

She’s very grateful for that. 

So the rest of high-school goes by without a hitch. College, however - 

[a-day-in-the-afterlife]

The Night Team Is Bad At Road Trips (Oneshot) (Fanfiction)

You can read it here on AO3.  I know that there's no "Hour 4" section. It's because I was too lazy to write it, and I figured the early hours when Nine drove, it was so peaceful that nothing interesting happened!

Title:

The Night Team Is Bad At Road Trips

Summary:

When the 14th Department Annual Retreat rolls around, the Manager, Nyang Lead Manager, and Sei Housemaster decide to turn the eight-hour drive to the retreat location into a road trip competition to encourage all Soul Reapers' attendance. The prize? No cleaning duties for a month.

And there is no way Nine is letting any of the other teams get even a glimpse at a prize that wonderous.

As the Night Team travels to the retreat location, he begins to realize ... maybe he is the only one is his team with a braincell.

Then again, maybe not.

Just some Noctu bonding.

Genre:

Slice of Life, Humor, Attempt at Humor, Fluff, Fluff and Humor

Rating:

T

Word Count:

6574

-

Hour 0

Our story begins inside the Noctu Team Dorm, in the bedroom of Nine and Day, where the human puppy of the two Soul Reapers ransacked the room in search of the last few belongings that he needed to pack for him and his team’s trip to the Purification Plains for the 14th Department Annual Retreat. 

The 14th Department Annual Retreat was a favorite of Nyang Lead Manager’s, as the destination point—the Purification Plains—was a place where all Soul Reapers could rest and relax and take time to remind themselves of the true meaning of Purifying vengeful spirits (of course, many suspected that the lake brimming with fish was actually the real allure for the fussy feline).  

He, Sei Housemaster, and the Manager had already gone ahead two days earlier to get things set up for the rest of the 14th Department, and, to encourage the Soul Reapers to attend the retreat as soon as possible, had set up the days prior to the actual event as a competition to see which Reaper Team could travel the eight hours to the Purification Plains the fastest.  The winning team was exempt from all Soul Reaper cleaning duties for an entire month. 

And oh, how Nine craved that one month of complete freedom.

Yet, he could feel a muscle in his left eye twitch, as he watched his roommate (who had decided that five minutes before their departure was the most opportune time to pack) scramble around the room for his remaining shirts and pants and hair ties and candy and snacks and pretty rocks and shiny beetles and mini elephant figurines and all manner of fidget toys to play with.  

Noctu was, by some stroke of misfortune, the last team to leave for the day (even Mane—who had Jamie, the supposed slowest Soul Reaper in all of existence—had left before them), and Nine could slowly feel his grip on the prospect of a month free from all cleaning duties slip away.

Day’s side of the room had always been a mess, and Nine loathed the day when Theo would get a glance at it, but he never bothered the lumbering Soul Reaper about it, because firstly, it was too much trouble, and secondly, even in all the chaos, Day seemed to know where everything was. 

Or so it had appeared.

“Nine-Nine, Nine-Nine, I can’t find my favorite jacket!”

“I believe it’s on top of your chair, Mr. Day.”

“Nine-Nine!  My hair ties are all gone!  Tachi-Tachi made them for me!  What am I going to do?”

“Are not the hair ties Aitachi gave you the ones on your wrist, Mr. Day?”

“Wow!  Can I show you the really sparkly flower I found under my bed, Nine-Nine?”

“Mr. Day, I promise I’ll look at it after you finish packing.”

And so it went for another five minutes before Day declared himself “ready for adventure.”  Nine breathed a sigh of relief as he and his roommate grabbed their respective luggage (although Day had offered to carry Nine’s seventeen suitcases for him because he only had one and was “stronger than Nine-Nine!”) and walked into the common space of the Noctu Team Dorm.  He prayed that he would find the tribesmen duo of Aitachi and Kirr, all packed and waiting for them, but unfortunately, that was too much to ask for, as the pair were nowhere in sight.

Before Nine could send Day to go out looking for them, however, out lumbered both Kirr and Aitachi from their bedroom, each with not a single suitcase in sight, but rather, massive messenger bags slung across their shoulders, Kirr’s made of leather, and Aitachi’s, merino.  

Kirr smiled at the two from across the dorm.  “Day, Nine, do not fear: Aitachi and I have packed emergency provisions enough for the both of you.”

“Brother Kirr is right,” replied Aitachi, nodding, and patting his bag.  “We will stave off our mighty foe, ‘Malnutrition,’ with all the food that we have!”

Nine shoved down the need to facepalm at the duo and in a composed voice, asked, “Do you two happen to have any clothes packed with all the emergency rations you have in your bags?”

Aitachi and Kirr exchanged confused glances, before the older of the two asked, “Why would we bring a change of clothes if we plan to wash and dry the ones we’re wearing right now in rivers as we blaze our trail to the Plains of Purification?”

“Kirr-Kirr, Tachi-Tachi, that’s so smart!” exclaimed Day, as he made motions to throw out from his own suitcase all his clothes, too.

Nine held a hand out to stop him and swallowed a sigh.  “Mr. Kirr, Aitachi, I think it would be greatly beneficial if you two brought several days change of clothes along with all this, as we won’t be doing trailblazing of any sort to the Purification Plains.”

“Oh, that’s right,” realized Day, sadly.  “Manager said that everyone is taking a ‘road trip’ there, and we’re supposed to be driving the car that the Department left for us.”

Nine wanted to laugh at the we’re supposed to be driving the car remark, because, due to the fact that he wanted to go on living, there was no way that he was going to let any of the other members of the Night Team drive their Department-sanctioned car.

It wasn’t that he liked driving or even particularly wanted to, but he was one hundred percent certain that up in the cold alpine regions that he had grown up in, the only thing that Kirr had ever driven was a pack of sled dogs; Aitachi was only fourteen and up until yesterday, had assumed that the entire party was to travel by way of horseback; and Day, who he treasured greatly, was … Day.  Nine was sure that in the entire time Day had been in the Otherworld, he had yet to pass his driver’s license test and was still patiently nursing his permit. 

But he didn’t have the heart to correct the well-meaning Soul Reaper and nodded.  “Mr. Day is right.  Our trip shouldn’t take us more than eight hours if we take the car, so you don’t have to worry about washing and drying your clothes on the way there, but you will definitely need a change of outfits when we get to the Retreat, unless … you want Mr. Theo and the other Soul Reapers to keep a twenty-mile radius from you.”

(Was it terrible of him to think that that wasn’t so horrible of a prospect?)

Aitachi valiantly declared, “Mr. Theo’s actions will have no effect on me!” but turned around to his room to pack some clothes, anyway, while Kirr slunk off after him, muttering under his breath, “How inconvenient.”

Nine groaned softly as he and Day followed the pair, because frankly, while Aitachi—who liked to sew his own clothes—had something that resembled style, Kirr believed clothes were simply a troublesome necessity; he didn’t even own anything nicely colored or patterned (“In the forest, it is best for a hunter to wear dark, solid colors to blend in with their surroundings”) and had absolutely no fashion sense at all.  And as Nine, who had an appreciation for beauty, refused to let one of his teammates be the bane of anyone with eyes, he felt it his obligation to now ensure that Kirr did not pack everything in the realm of beiges, blacks, and whites for the Retreat.

After several minutes of sorting through Kirr’s clothes and wondering how every item managed to smell so strongly of pine and bramble, Nine deemed the Night Team ready to take on the open road of the Otherworld.  

He herded the group outside of the Department building and toward a clunky black minivan that looked nearly five hundred and thirty-seven SRE years old (he knew the 14th Department was cheap, but really?).  

Nine bit back a laugh when he saw Day carefully arranging his lanky arms and legs into the driver’s seat.

“Mr. Day, I believe it would be best if I did all the driving.”

Day looked surprised.  “Nine-Nine, that’s not fair to you.  We need to take turns!”

“Brother Day is right!  As warriors, we must all learn to share the burden,” said Aitachi.

Kirr nodded gravely.  “It’s not possible for one hunter to take up all the shifts in a single season and succeed.”

Nine didn’t know what to say to that, but as he definitely wasn’t going to let the rest of the team drive, he decided to politely allay their concerns by saying, “In the Otherworld, you need to have a license to drive.”

This seemed to satisfy both Kirr and Aitachi—although he suspected that that was because neither of them was familiar with what driver’s licenses were—but Day surprised him by pulling out a glistening card from his pocket.  “Ta-da!  Look, I have a license, too!  Manager went with me to go get it last week!”

He felt his stomach sink as he slunk toward the front passenger seat and said, “Ah, excellent work, Mr. Day.  Let’s you and I take two-hour shifts, then.”

Nine sighed as Day revved up the engine and cheered, “Yay!  Let’s go, Night Team!”  

He was going to die for a second time, wasn’t he?

Hour 1

“Nine-Nine, Tachi-Tachi, Kirr-Kirr!  Do you guys mind if I play some music?” asked Day, who, although had proven in the past fifteen minutes to be a moderately competent driver (He had only almost crashed three times!  A new low record!), was now completely turned around to address the two of his team members that were seated in the back passenger seats.

Kirr looked mildly concerned because as a hunter, he was used to and greatly appreciated the silence, and had regarded the quietness of the group in the strange vehicle known as “a car” as a kind of comfort.  However, he assented with a stoic “No,” when he noticed the disconcerted expression that Day, who enjoyed silence as much as any exuberant puppy, wore.  

“I have no objection!” assured Aitachi, who was curious as to how Brother Day intended to play a musical instrument when he was busy using both of his hands to operate the “car” machine that they were currently in.

It wasn’t that Nine didn’t appreciate Day’s choice of music—it was just that he knew that all the songs on the tall Soul Reaper’s Otherworldify travel playlist were either super sweet bubblegum pop or some kind of holy music in another language with lots and lots of sitar.  As it turned out, he, like Kirr, was a slave to Day’s melancholy expression and was forced to suffer with a “That’s fine, Mr. Day.” 

Day brightened instantly—it was so gloomy when it was silent—and, taking his eyes off of the road for a few seconds, reached for his cellphone to blast his travel playlist on the car’s speakers.

Nine cringed almost imperceptibly, and Kirr and Aitachi exchanged astonished glances because where was the music coming from (Kirr also privately wondered if the flamboyantly peppy lyrics of the female singer even could be considered music)?!

“It must be the work of spirits,” concluded Aitachi, nodding.  “Brother Day must have employed them to make these noises!”

“Waaaaah, Tachi-Tachi, it’s not noise—it’s music!” said Day, whose eyes had grown to the size of saucers at the comment.  “And hehe, nope, no spirits—the music is coming from these speakers!”  He gestured toward their various locations in the car, leaving exactly zero of his fingers on the steering wheel.

Nine nodded and took this opportunity to lower the volume as he elaborated, “Speakers amplify the sounds that pass through them.”

“What an amazing contraption!” cried Aitachi.  He turned toward his companion on the right.  “Don’t you think so, Brother Kirr?”

Kirr was silent for a few moments before measuredly answering, “It is indeed extraordinary … but will the music not distract you from your task, Day?”

“Don’t worry, Kirr-Kirr!” promised Day, who secretly had to admit that his focus from the road was wavering as he tried to sing along to the songs, but he wasn’t sure if he could stand the silence, again.  “I’ll try to stay alert!”

Nine was struck with an idea.  “Mr. Day, you have been asking to hear my personal compositions for a long time.  Would you like to listen to one now?  The classical music will help fill the long silence ahead of us but will allow you to keep your focus.”

Day beamed at the compromise.  “Yay!  We get to listen to Nine-Nine’s music!”

“Yes, play it, Brother Nine!  It is always good to listen to the music of a fellow warrior!” said Aitachi, as Nine opened his own Otherworldify account and began to play an instrumental soft piano melody.  

The group listened for a few moments before Kirr reached forward to lightly press a hand on Nine’s shoulder.  His eyes gleamed with praise as he said, “You have true talent, Nine.”

“Yeah, Nine-Nine is the best!” agreed Day, as he felt calm overcome him with the music.

“Brother Nine is a prodigy!” Aitachi said.

Nine smiled softly at the encouragement as he closed his eyes and leaned back in his seat as he, along with the rest of the Night Team, listened to the masterful notes of the first movement of Beethoven’s Piano Sonata Number 14.

While he loved Noctu dearly, he wasn’t sure if he was ready to show his fellow members his own personal compositions.

Yet.

Hour 2

As it turned out, the car that the 14th Department had given them was a gas guzzler, and at the beginning of the final hour of Day’s shift, Nine had the wits to peep at the fuel gauge—as the driver forgot to—and noticed that they were in dire need of gas, ASAP.

“It looks like we’ll need to refuel,” Nine announced.

Kirr immediately reached into his messenger bag and pulled out a short rope of jerky, handing it to him.

Nine shook his head.  “Not that kind of fuel, Mr. Kirr,” he said.  He took out his phone and searched for the nearest gas station.  “I meant fuel for the car.”

“It can share our jerky if it wants!” assured Aitachi, looking confused.  He wished he had remembered to bring carrots or hay, as that was the kind of food he had fed his horse, Tata, in the past, and he assumed this “car” would be more than obliged to consume the same fare, as well.

“I think Nine-Nine means gasoline,” Day said.  “That’s what gives cars their energy.”

Kirr grimaced.  “I’m afraid Aitachi and I failed to bring that kind of food.”  He lowered his head.  “We take full responsibility.”

As Aitachi bowed in tandem, Nine’s eyes widened when they both reached for their weapons.  “Mr. Kirr, Aitachi, it’s not your fault, truly.”  He gestured for them to lower their bows and knives, worrying that it was some kind of custom of both the Cicady and Atiyah tribes to self-mutilate as penance for an offense.  “Don’t hurt yourselves, please.”

“Hurt ourselves?  No, Brother Nine—Brother Kirr and I were only going to go hunt food for the car, as we didn’t think to bring any 'gasoline' for it!” said Aitachi.

Nine couldn’t hold back his laugh at the pair’s earnestness.  “There’s no need.  If Mr. Day will take a left here,” he nodded at the driver, who took an uncoordinated turn as instructed, “we’ll arrive at a station  where we can fill up our car with gas ad libitum, provided we have the money.”

“Which we do!”  Day pat his pockets in satisfaction, but upon remembering that he no longer was a wealthy human being, but rather a penniless Soul Reaper, he turned to Nine and blushed.  “Hehe, or I think Nine-Nine does.”

As the car rolled into the gas station, Nine smiled.  “That I do, Mr. Day.”

Hour 3

“Night Team, will you be with me as I wage war on Mane?” asked Aitachi abruptly as he rummaged through his messenger bag, his face a shade of red that matched the beads in his hair.  

Nine looked at the youngest of the group through the rearview mirror in concern, as Kirr instantly answered, “We will battle your enemies together, Aitachi.”  Nine was driving now, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t the main (read: sole) disciplinarian and voice of reason of his team. “Did something happen?”

“Yes, something did happen, Brother Nine!”  Aitachi pouted.  “It is a most grievous insult!”  He pulled out from his bag an enormous straw sunhat.  Around it was a sky-blue ribbon with the words “Aitachi: Cutest Warrior Ever!” embroidered on it.  

Day turned from his seat in the front to survey the commotion.  “Tachi-Tachi, that’s so cute!”

“That Mr. Licht snuck it into my bag, I’m sure!”  Aitachi shook the large headgear effusively.  “He's the only one who would do such a thing!”

Kirr nodded.  “We must seek the restitution of Aitachi’s honor against the Morning Team for this affront.”  

“Oh, I don’t know if that’s such a good idea …” mumbled Day, who loathed conflict of any kind.  “Brother Licht will just apologize if you ask him.”

“Mr. Day is right,” said Nine.  “No waging war of any kind, okay?”  He strained his ears to hear the muted mutters of assent from Aitachi and Kirr.  “I said, okay?”  He nodded when the pair agreed louder this time.  “Good.”  

He looked at the clock, wondering how far the other teams were ahead of them.  Surely no one must’ve reached the Purification Plains yet, else the Manager would’ve made a post (or the team itself) on SNS.  He peered in the rearview mirror to see Aitachi unwinding the straw of his new hat in frustration.  “How about in order to avenge Aitachi, we do it by beating all the other teams—including Mane—to the retreat?”

Aitachi brightened at the prospect.  “What a good idea!”  He raised a fist determinedly.  “Death to the Morning Team!  Drive as fast as you can, Brother Nine!”

“Yay!  Let’s win this race, everyone!” cheered Day.  

Kirr bobbed his head.  “To the winners go the spoils.”

Nine grinned as he pressed his foot down on the gas pedal.  It was nice to see the Night Team come together like this, and for once, despite their extremely late start, Nine believed that they had a chance of winning.

Hour 5

First a nervous smile.

And then a frown.

Another nervous smile.

Another frown.

And then … something that resembled a mixture of both?

These were the expressions that consecutively passed on Day’s face in the two minutes that Nine had watched him out of the corner of his eye.

“Is something the matter, Mr. Day?” he finally had to ask.

Day stuttered, “I—um, no!”

“Brother Day, do not feel as if you need to hide your feelings from us!” said Aitachi.  “We are all warriors of equal caliber and can speak freely to one another.”

Kirr echoed the thought by saying, “Aitachi is right.  There are no secrets between us.”

Day’s face absolutely melted at the kind words.  “It’s just that,” he blubbered, “I really have to go to the bathroom and I know we’re on a tight schedule now and I don’t want to be a bother, and, and, and—”

“Mr. Day, there is no shame in needing to relieve yourself.”  Nine looked out the window and saw that a rest stop was coming up.  “We could all use a break, and look over there—there’s a resting place ahead, so we won’t even have to go out of our way.”

“Th—thanks for saying that, Nine-Nine,” sniffled Day, rubbing his watery eyes, as he pulled the car into the shelter that Nine had pointed out.

As soon as the vehicle came to a sudden stop (à la Day’s masterful parking skills), the party mosied out of the confining space of the car and into the open expanse of the rest stop.

Day sprinted to the bathroom shelter upon their arrival and Kirr began to stretch his muscles, much to the excitement of the flock of girls who stared nearby.

Nine followed Aitachi, who had smelled water and had grabbed Licht’s hat with every intention of throwing it into whatever body of water larger than a puddle that appeared.  

The younger boy saw Nine shadowing him and, as he came upon the lake which he had sensed, turned to the older Reaper and said quietly, “Brother Nine, you probably think I am being wasteful by casting such a finely-crafted piece of apparel away.”  He sighed and held the hat over the water.  “But I am a warrior and worked hard to be recognized as one in my tribe—it's disheartening to know that many in the 14th Department don’t see me as one simply because of my appearance.”

Nine shook his head.  “I don’t think that way at all.”  He himself loathed his own beauty and the other Reapers’ constant mention of it.  In that moment, he felt a kind of kinship with Aitachi, for they both hated what they saw in the mirror.  He pulled the younger Soul Reaper closer to the lake until they both could see their reflections in it.  “You are more than your appearance, Aitachi.  Us on the Night Team know that, but if the Reapers on the other teams need a reminder, we will make sure they get one.”

With that, he guided Aitachi’s hands farther above the water and gestured for him to let the hat go.  They both released a cathartic sigh as the ripples in the wake of its tumble down to the depths of the lake marred their reflections in the water.

Hour 6

“Is that the Evening Team?” asked Kirr as Day’s haphazard driving sped them past a field of fruit trees.  He was sure that his keen eyes had spotted Noah, Sian, Kati, and Cyrille lounging under several boughs, each munching lazily on an armful of apples.  

He watched—mildly amused—that upon noticing that the car that blazed past them was indeed of 14th Department and belonged to the Night Team (whose car had a vanity license plate that read “NOCTU”), no less, Hesperide dropped all the fruit they had been eating and looked at the passing faces of Day and Aitachi—who were sitting in the seats by the windows facing them—in shock.  

Nine smiled.  “That is the Evening Team.  And if I’m remembering correctly, they were the first  to leave?”  

“Yep, yep!” said Day.  “I remember because Little One was in a mood and told me to go away because I offered to get a suitcase that was too high for him to reach!  He told me my height wouldn’t matter in the end because Hesperide was going to leave first, and by Brother Cyrille’s calculations, that means they would get there first, too!”

Aitachi clapped his hands eagerly.  “They must have thought that their leaving early meant they could take long breaks.  A true warrior knows never to be so unguarded!”

“It looks like they’re already on our tails, nevertheless,” observed Kirr, who was still peering behind them at the Evening Team.  “They are fast like rabbits.”

“They’re already in their car?” asked Nine wearily.  Hadn’t they just seen them maybe two minutes ago?  Could they already be following them on the road?  He peeked into the rearview mirror in confusion.  There were no cars behind them for several yards—just how good was Kirr’s eyesight?

Kirr squinted, but he could still definitely make out Sian’s pink hair and Kati’s angry fist at least one mile behind them.  “They have not mounted their vehicle, yet.  They’re putting all their apples into some kind of compartment in the rear.”  As a hunter, he could gauge the distance and time it would take for them to catch up to the Night Team car in an instant.  “I have an idea.”

“What is it, Brother Kirr?” Aitachi asked eagerly.

Kirr looked at his companions.  “Let us set a trap for Hesperide to throw them off their course—and any other team that follows this path.”

“That is,” said Nine, “an excellent idea, Mr. Kirr.  Do you have any plans on what to do?”

“Normally I would suggest setting several snares to capture our prey, but as I believe Manager would be angry if the Evening Team was killed, I advise we set up a distraction that the other teams cannot refuse.”  He peered ahead with his sharp eyes and discerned a road marker that read:

Route 14 — Keep Right

Route 24 — Straight Ahead

If he was remembering the extremely long lectures Nine had given the group regarding the many winding roads of the Otherworld and how keeping on Route 14 would lead them straight to the Purification Plains, going on a different route would surely set one astray.  “Perhaps we should change the directions on that sign up ahead.” 

“Waaaaah, Kirr-Kirr, I don’t see any signs!” complained Day as he and the rest of the Night Team failed to see ahead what was so clear to the eagle-eyed hunter.  

“There is one,” he assured them.  “If Day were to move this vehicle with great speed, then we would be able to make it to the sign two minutes before the Evening Team.  In that time, we must rewrite the directions on it.  At present, it reads, ‘Route Fourteen, keep right, and Route Twenty-Four, straight ahead.”

“We will write ‘Route Fourteen, straight ahead, and Route Twenty-Four, keep right’ instead, then!” realized Aitachi.  Out from his messenger bag, he pulled several sticks of colored wax and lumps of coal, which he sometimes used to color pictures with—even though he insisted they were for the purpose of marking trees so one wouldn’t get lost in the woods.  “We can use these to rewrite the sign.”

And so that’s what they did.

Kirr’s estimation in how much time they would have to alter the road sign was correct, and the short time span caused their work to be rather shoddy, even though Nine’s beautiful calligraphy remedied it a little.

As they drove off, Nine bit his lip and said, “They won’t expect sabotage, so I hope they think that the mistakes in the sign were simply due to an error on the signmaker’s part.”

“‘Sabotage’ doesn’t sound very good, Nine-Nine,” said Day, who looked a tad bit queasy at the prospect.

Nine smiled benignly.  “Surely Manager expects a little healthy competitiveness in this contest.”

Hour 7

“Hm-♪-hm-♪, doesn’t everyone else think it’s funny that the only team we’ve seen in the past six hours is Hesperide?” mused Day, tapping absentmindedly at the windowsill.  “If what Little One said about the Evening Team leaving first is true, shouldn’t we have seen all the others in between?”

Aitachi pursed his lips.  “Maybe the other teams also sped past Hesperide when they were grazing, and they didn’t notice and so couldn’t take action?”

“Maybe,” said Nine, whose brow had begun to furrow,  “but I don’t think Noah would be that lax.  Especially since there aren’t that many cars on this road and all of the 14th Department ones have very obvious vanity license plates.”

“Diluculo and Mane up ahead,” announced Kirr, as if on cue.

The other Reapers’ eyebrows shot up.

“Both of the teams?” asked Nine, needing clarification because what were the chances?

Kirr nodded, looking ahead.  “All eight members are outside of their vehicles.”

“I see them, now!” exclaimed Day, whose jaw dropped open at the sight.  “Nine-Nine!  Nine-Nine—slow down!  Let’s see why they’re stopped!”

Nine, who didn’t necessarily want to waste time in oogling at the other teams, obeyed nonetheless and rolled down his window as the Noctu car stopped, with the engine running, in front of the field where the Dawn and Morning Teams were meandering about.

Quincy did not look happy to see them.  “Oh, great—it’s Doggo and his band of Night Team weirdos!”

Ell’s reception was much more welcoming.  “It’s great to see you guys—achoo!”

Day and Aitachi wriggled their way to Nine’s open window and poked their heads outside.

“Hey, everyone!  Why are you all stopped?” asked Day.

Aitachi, who had been surveying the area, pointed to Jamie, who was standing a few feet away with Non-Non, chanting, “Come on, lil’ feller, you can do it!” 

“I think, Brother Day, that Mr. Jamie is trying to get Non-Non to relieve himself!” 

“You brought Non-Non with you?” asked Nine incredulously.

Ell blushed.  “Mr. Jamie wouldn’t leave without him.”

Kirr also peeked out from Nine’s window.  “I too, would not leave without Non-Non if I were him.”  The tone he said this was so menacing that even Non-Non could feel a shiver down his spine.  

“Waaaaah, so that solves Mane, but what about you guys, Diluculo!”  Day looked a yard in front of him where Verine was pacing with some kind of inhaler at his nose.  “Oh no, is Bambi sick?”

“The Whelp is always sick, Doggo,” spat Quincy.  “And if he doesn’t get out of the car every hour for thirty minutes to get his stupid fresh air, then he gets even sicker!”

Youssef cleared his throat apologetically.  “What Quincy is trying to say is that Verine can’t stay cooped up in the car for very long so we’ve had to take a lot of breaks.  It’s only by chance that we met the Morning Team here.”

“If you’ve needed to make so many stops, how come you’re already only an hour away from the Purification Plains?” Nine had to ask.

The eldest Soul Reaper flushed and looked away.  “Mori … may have found that even though Route Fifteen doesn’t lead to the retreat location, it does merge into Route Fourteen quite aways down and in that span, manages to complete the same distance in only half the time.”

“Yeah, but Route Fifteen is shady as hell, so because of him,” Quincy whirled around to point a finger at Mori, who looked unperturbed at the accusation, “we almost got robbed seventeen times when we were taking the Whelp on his walks!”  He kicked the ground.  “And it doesn’t help that the dumb Morning Team decided to stop exactly where we did!”

“Speaking of the Morning Team,” Aitachi said, curling his fists angrily.  “Where are Mr. Licht and Mr. Ghilley?  I have many things I want to say to Mr. Licht for giving me that demeaning hat!”

“They’re both in the car, I think,” admitted Ell.  “And I’m sorry about Mr. Licht—he means well—achoo!”

Nine realized that unlike Diluculo, who had come through a different path, Mane must have stayed on Route Fourteen, and considering that they were ahead of Hesperide, must have found a way to avoid the Evening Team’s detection when they rested in the fruit trees.

“How were you able to get past Hesperide?” asked Nine.  “Surely if you went past them, they would have seen your car and drove ahead.”

Jamie, who was still trying to coax Non-Non into taking a bathroom break, called over, “Aw, Ghilley said that we should cover our license plates to confuse y’all.”

“Waaaaaaaah, isn’t that illegal?” asked Day, who didn’t realize that his team had no right to question Mane’s actions, as they themselves had done some unsavory things in order to win.

Ell’s blush deepened.  “O—oh, is it?  We had no idea—achoo!  Achoo!”

“While it is entertaining to hear of your exploits,” cut in Kirr, though not unkindly, “we of the Night Team must get moving, for we still have an hour yet to travel.”

Aitachi nodded.  “Brother Kirr is right!  We wish Diluculo the best of luck!”  He pointedly left out wishing well to Mane because dishonor!

“Bye-bye!” chirped Day, as Nine bade farewell to the other two teams and rolled the window back up.  

“That means the only team we have yet to meet is Die,” concluded Nine as they continued their drive down Route Fourteen.  

Day gulped.  “And scary King Ethan is on that team!”

“Brother Day, do not be afraid of Mr. Ethan!  We will most certainly beat him and the rest of Die!” assured Aitachi, although, he, along with the rest of the Night Team, could hardly fathom a scenario where the pretentious, but diligent Soul Reaper didn’t demand an absolute victory from his team.

Hour 8

“We’re almost there!” sang Day.  While he was busy playing Pictionary with Aitachi in the fog that formed from his breath on the window, he had still been keeping track of the time that had passed.

“And we’ve still seen no sign of the intrepid Day Team,” Kirr said.

Aitachi looked away from his and Day’s game to nervously offer, “What if they’re already at the Plains?”

“They can’t be,” affirmed Nine, tightening his grip on the steering wheel.  He was not going to give up a month free from cleaning shifts to someone as snobby as Ethan.

Kirr looked calm as he said, “Do not worry, Aitachi.  The members of Team Die are sneaky, but fast and strong, like foxes—and you remember how much fun we had the last time we hunted foxes.”

“Kirr-Kirr and Tachi-Tachi hunted foxes?  That’s so cool!”  Day exclaimed.  “Next time, take me too, please!”  He looked ahead and brightened.  “Hey, hey, that sign says ‘Welcome to the Purification Plains!’”

Suddenly, they heard an engine revving behind them and everyone besides Nine, who was driving, whirled around to see who the new car was.

Aitachi’s jaw dropped.  “Is that the Day Team?”  

The license plate on the front of the car proved it plainly, for it indeed, had “DIE” written on it, and the words were becoming clearer and clearer as the vehicle whizzed toward them at speeds that none of the decrepit 14th Department cars could even dream of moving at.  

Nine made the connection when he saw the plume of smoke and flames that the Day Team car left in its wake.  “Mr. June’s using his fireballs and blowing through all their fuel at once to move the car as fast as possible!”

“They were tailing us—” realized Kirr, running a hand through his hair in desperation, “waiting for the right moment in which to launch their true speed!  How could I have been so foolish as to not see this coming?  Ethan is a crafty foe, indeed.”

Aitachi tried to keep the panic out of his voice to console his friend by saying, “Do not think it your fault, Brother Kirr.  I’m sure Mr. Ethan purposely kept his car far enough that you couldn’t see what he was doing, but so that he could see us.”

“He probably saw us switch the signs on Hesperide, too,” recognized Nine.  However, he couldn’t dwell on that now, as the Day Team’s car was now right up next to them and was speeding past.  

Suddenly, Day was struck with an idea as he watched the golden smoke that depicted June’s handiwork from the tailpipe of Die's car.  “I have an idea!”

“Say it, Brother Day!  We’ll take anything!” exclaimed Aitachi, watching Die race closer and closer to the entrance to the Purification Plains.  

Day nodded.  “Let’s all draw our weapons and throw them at the car’s wheels on my count!”

Aitachi and Kirr bobbed their heads in agreement, but Nine stared at Day carefully.  “Are you sure about this, Mr. Day?  This is rather underhanded for you.”

“I’ll do anything to protect Tachi-Tachi’s honor,” assured Day, with not even a slight waver in his voice.  He drew his weapon and signaled for the others to do the same.  “On my mark, ready … set … go!”  He exclaimed the last syllable when he saw that the Day Team was fifteen feet in front of the entrance.

All of Noctu rolled down their windows and released their weapons at the word and every one of them hit true on the mark of one of the other car’s wheels.  As the Day Team’s tires blew out, the Night Team’s car sped past Ethan’s enraged face, but they had gotten no more than five feet before one of their own tires popped.

“Oh, no, King Ethan retaliated!” cried Day, referring to the lone sword that had pierced their car’s wheels.

However, Ethan’s sword did not have the slowing effect that he had intended, for as soon as Kirr and Aitachi felt the tell-tale loosening of pressure from one of their tires, their instincts and fleetfootedness, honed from years of hunting nimble hares and deer in the forest, took over, and they kicked open the car doors.  Before anyone could blink, the pair raced toward the Purification Plains’ entrance. 

“Come, Mr. Day, let’s follow them,” ushered Nine the instant the two sprinted out, offering his hand to the tall Soul Reaper.    

Day took it and grinned.  “Aye-aye, Nine!”

Ethan, along with the rest of Die, arrived at the entrance just as the last two members of Noctu did.  

“We did it!” cheered Day, huddling all the members of the Night Team into a group hug.  “We won!”  

“You didn’t win,” began Ethan, his eye twitching in irritation.  “You can’t win if your vehicle didn’t cross the entry point.”  He grit his teeth.  “Now since neither of ours can make it across, the winners will either be Mane, Hesperide, or Diluculo.”

“That’s not necessarily the case,” said the Manager, who seemed to materialize from out of nowhere.  She beamed at the two teams.  “The rules were that whichever team arrives at the Purification Plains first would win.  And since Kirr and Aitachi are both of the Night Team, Noctu wins!”

Ethan’s frown—which had momentarily disappeared at the sight of the Manager—deepened.  “But ma’am—they played unfairly.”

The Manager bit her lips.  “Technically, Sei Housemaster, Nyang Lead Manager, and I never said that there were parameters on what you could and couldn’t do to win, so while I don’t condone their actions—and yours, too, Ethan, I saw you throw your sword at their tire, as well—I think in terms of this competition, it’s okay.”  She turned to look sternly at the members of the Night Team.  “But I expect you four to pay for the damages you caused to the Day Team’s car.”  She cleared her throat.  “And to the sign.”

Day’s eyes widened.  “You know about that, Manager?”

The Manager only laughed and took out from her pocket four pink slips of paper and handed them to the members of Noctu.  “I award these coupons, which serve as passes from cleaning shifts for one month, to the Night Team!”

The group of four held their tickets up to the sky and cheered, and Nine had to admit, although his motivation for this road trip initially had been for these passes alone, he now considered them just a sweet, sweet bonus for the time he had spent bonding with his teammates.  

And on their drive home after the 14th Department Annual Retreat, he scrounged up his courage and poised a finger on the “play” button on the car speaker to share with the rest of Noctu his most prized, secret music composition.

He had hesitated before to show this part of himself.

But after this trip, he was finally ready.

[always-and-forever-a-killjoy]

Coming Home Chapter 2

Hello fuckers I know I promised this chapter yesterday but then I fell asleep because I was incredibly exhausted. So I'm posting it today because I deserve it Also, the song for the last chapter was Revolution Radio by Green Day, which no one guessed! I'll give you a hint for this chapter- it's very far off from Green Day or My Chemical Romance.

Title: Coming, Coming Home

Chapter Title: Cause I’m with you this time

Chapter Wordcount: 3333

Chapter Summary:

Cherri Cola settles into living with Dr. Death Defying and White Lily, figures out that someone actually cares about him, and makes some reckless decisions.

Warnings: implied/referenced past abuse, referenced past misgendering, light panic/anxiety attack, non-graphic/canon-typical violence and injury, uhhh i *think* that's it? (If you want to know what parts to skip, go to the end notes on AO3- I also put a brief summary of any important info in those parts. Stay safe!)

Taglist: @wishiwasthemoon-tonight @sleevesareforlosers @stressed-depressed-emo-mess @tasteofamnesia @dagger-queen​ @no-braincells-here @piratecherricola (message me, send an ask, or reblog/reply to one of my posts if you want to be added or removed)

AO3 Link

Chapter 1 AO3 Link

Chapter 1 Tumblr Post

(Actual fic under the cut)

It took a few months for Cherri to really settle in to living with the other two. He was younger than them, and lacked the shared experience of fighting in the Helium Wars. But all three of them had the shared understanding of having grown up too fast, the pain and weariness in the other’s eyes mirroring his exactly. Not to mention that running a pirate radio station and attempting to spark a rebellion did tend to bond people. Having each others’ backs in firefights, fixing the radio equipment together, and eating their meals as a group only aided that process.

So 109 WKIL slowly got off the ground, heading into the sky just as promised. Their transmitter was fairly decent, and so their range was large even if few listeners were tuning in right now. But the rebellion grew daily, neutrals and Battery City folk abandoning a more peaceful life under the hand of Better Living Industries for the wild world of a killjoy. White Lily spoke over the radio at least weekly, encouraging them to fight, to not let themselves be squashed under bli’s heel. 

“Power is not given, but taken. If you hate oppression, you better be ready to fight against the oppressor and give it everything you’ve got.” 

Cherri was sitting in his usual spot under the broadcast desk, making sure that all the equipment was running smoothly as White Lily spoke above him. Her voice didn’t have the deep, gravelly weight of D’s, but the fire in it was inspiring. There had always been something about White Lily that made people want to follow her, D had told him. Some spark in her spirit that kindled fires in others, bringing them together under her leadership. 

“Better Living may have bombs, and gas, and more ray guns than we can dream of getting our grubby little killjoy paws on. But we have something they can never replace: spirit. You can’t make a fiery heart with pills and white walls. They can take our bodies, shoot us full of plasma and throw us to the wolves. But they can never touch our spirit. Never. We will rise again, as many times as they try to throw us down.

"The spirit of the desert is something they can’t kill with any amount of laser beams. Any size of bomb, any number of exterminators. None of it will squash our spirit, and that’s what makes us invincible. As long as a single killjoy rises to fight, Better Living Industries cannot win. So get out there, crash queens! Get your vehicles, motorbabies. Angel kissers, grab your med kits, and kerosene saints, your matches. We’ve got a corporation to overthrow, and we’re not stopping at just nipping at their heels. Killjoys, it’s time to make some noise!”

She clicked off the radio. “How was that?”

“Good,” Cherri told her. “Inspiring. Makes you want to fistfight an exterminator.” 

“Oh good, that’s what I was hoping for.” Lily paused. “No fistfighting exterminators though, that’s a bad idea.”

“You can’t stop me.”

“Oh yes I can,” Lily laughed. She was still grinning as she reached to help Cherri out from under the desk, a grin both achingly close and achingly far to one he remembered. There were days when she looked so much like his sister it hurt, not in her features but in the way she laughed and her teasing grin as she and D bantered back and forth. 

Cherri tried not to think about it as he pulled himself to his feet. “And how do you plan on stopping me?”

“Hmm…I think I shall tackle you.”

“Then what?”

“Make D lecture you nonstop until you fall asleep.”

Cherri laughed as they headed back into the house. "Good luck with that."

So far, they hadn’t had to move the van from its position in front of their home in Zone Four, but all of them knew it was only a matter of time before bli would be breathing down their necks.

“We have some time,” D said that evening. “Our signal will be hard to track, and we don’t have a wide enough reach to be a threat to Better Living Industries yet.”

“We’re getting there, though,” Lily commented, digging around for the last bit of power pup in her can. 

“True, we’ve got a lot more listeners now than we did before.” Cherri was already finished with his, playing with his dented spoon and reflecting the sunlight across the room idly. “It’s going to be hard to stay hidden for long, not when the other killjoys whisper about our station and spread the word between themselves.”

“The more people who know, the easier it is for Better Living to find us,” D agreed. “Of course, we need people to know so they’ll tune in, but we’ll have to be careful as we get larger.”

“Careful, careful, you’re always careful.” Lily leaned back in her chair, setting down her spoon. “I’m not saying we abandon all caution, but there’s going to be risks running a rebellion. A lot of the time, we’ll just have to decide if they’re worth taking.”

Cherri nodded, still examining the spoon. “And a lot of the time they will be.”

“Didn’t know you were such a daredevil, Cher.” He made to glare at Lily, but she went on. “You’re right though. Everything’s a risk, and we’re going to have to take a lot of them.”

“I don’t like that,” D put in.

“None of us do, except maybe Cherri the daredevil over here. But we’re doing it.”

“We’re doing it,” D agreed tiredly. 

“I’m not a fucking daredevil,” Cherri muttered. That was….mostly true. Risk for the sake of risk wasn’t exactly his thing, but risk for any other sake was. As long as only his life was at risk, it was a risk worth taking. He figured, at least.

“You’re pretty fucking daring, Cher.”

“Only risks that are worth it, though.” He pretended not to see the two older ‘joys exchange glances. 

-

True to their predictions, the rebellion grew. Their radio was a contributing factor, Cherri hoped. It certainly seemed to have grown in popularity as more killjoys entered the desert and more neutrals lay down their peaceful ways and took up arms alongside the killjoys. WKIL was something whispered about in killjoy circles, told to the newbies, the undergrads of the desert.

Cherri knew because he was the one who went and talked with them, the lesser-known face. Everyone recognized at very least the voices of D and Lily by now, the two radio speakers who rallied the rebels, but Cherri Cola was not a name whispered in legend yet. He was just a sixteen year old with a shitty ray gun and a bad haircut, which had advantages and disadvantages. 

One of the advantages was the ability to go talk to random people and be seen as relatively harmless, just a teen with a bright pink mask. There was nothing about him to suggest that he was an incredible shot with a ray gun or a dangerous fighter, not in the slightest. He wore oversized clothes and perpetually looked disheveled, so he had been told. And if you didn’t look too closely at his eyes, you wouldn’t even see the fire in them. 

So Cherri used that hidden advantage, appearing perfectly harmless to anyone who didn’t know him well. It was helpful for White Lily and Dr. Death Defying, since neither of them could go anywhere where there were a lot of rebels without being recognized.

And the rebellion grew and grew. Their voices were growing louder, their colors brighter even as Better Living Industries tried to squash them down. The spirit of the desert truly was rising, and a faint sense of hope had started to permeate the air. White Lily never promised that they would win. But she promised that Better Living Industries wouldn’t, so long as a single killjoy stood, and that was enough for most of the desert. 

They were teenagers, mainly. The bulk of the force that was forming the current rebellion was either teenagers, running from their pasts in Battery City, or twenty-something former soldiers of the Helium Wars, running from what they had done or trying to put it right. They were young and invincible, so it seemed. The reality that they could easily die doing this hadn’t sunk in for most of the younger population of the desert, intoxicated on freedom and the thrill of the desert.

D and Lily knew that reality all too well, Cherri knew. He knew they knew what all of them were up against, had watched death in their own right in the Helium Wars, had wrought it with their own hands. 

He knew what the consequences were too, a memory of bli employees in clean white suits coming to respectfully ‘recruit’ the person he loved most hovering behind a door in his mind. That door would remain closed, Cherri had decided. The past was the past- but he fought because of it anyways, knowing the horrors Better Living Industries had done.

Cherri might have been young, but he was no fool. He knew quite well that he could die, and he couldn’t be bothered to give a fuck, as Lily would put it. There were things more important than living to some grand old age, and this rebellion was one of them.

He would be lying to himself if he said that some part of him wasn’t in this for revenge, maybe a larger part than he was willing to admit. 

“If you take away someone’s world, they might just burn yours down,” Cherri muttered to himself, aiming his shitty old ray gun at the empty cans Lily had set up that day. Despite how long he had already been out here, they still hadn’t managed to locate him a better weapon. That was fine, he thought, he was deadly enough even without one, but D and Lily both insisted that it would be a lot easier for him with something that wasn’t outdated by at least three years. 

“What?” Cherri jumped as D came to stand next to him, aiming his own black and blue ray gun at the cans. “Did you say something, Cherri?”

“Oh, uh. Nothing.”

D shrugged, tilting his head to take aim. “You don’t have to tell me, I just figured I’d ask in case you were trying to tell me something.”

Cherri lowered his ray gun, glancing down. “I said if you take away someone’s world, they might just burn yours down.”

“Ah. True, and insightful.” Cherri didn’t have to glance over at D to know his face would be gently concerned. “Somewhat dark though, you could say.”

“Guess so.”

They were silent for a moment, apart from the zap of ray guns.

“Pasts are something to be forgotten here,” D said finally. “But if you need someone to talk to about yours, Lily and I will support you.”

“Thanks.”

“I mean it, you know.”

Cherri fiddled with his ray gun. “Yeah.”

“Just putting that out there.” D turned back to their target practice.

- 

Despite D’s words, there was a silent agreement amongst the three of them that pasts were not to be spoken of or asked about. Occasionally, D or Lily would tell a few stories, mainly from their childhood. They rarely talked about the Helium Wars, only occasionally with each other. And Cherri said nothing about his past. Instead, he pretended not to notice the days when the other two flinched at any loud sound, and they pretended not to hear him cry out in the night, when everything was silent and there was no buffer against the memories. It was a courtesy more than anything, a way to keep each other from having to speak about their darkest times. Usually, Cherri appreciated that, finding it easier to deal with any hurt alone than worry about burdening the others.

Tonight, however, was different. No matter how much he tried to calm himself down, his breath kept coming too quickly and he couldn’t drown out the voices of his past. Worthless, never going to amount to anything…should be more like Samantha…your grades are slipping again…never going to be a boy…

Cherri shivered violently, even though the blanket was tucked safely over him, and climbed off the window seat he had been using as a sort of bed, picking up said blanket. It was cold in the desert at night, no use leaving it behind. 

It took him more rests of leaning against the wall and trying frantically to draw a single breath than he wanted to admit before he was down the hall to the room D and Lily had claimed. Their door was cracked open, but Cherri pushed it open a little bit further to see both of them seemingly sleeping peacefully as he stood in the doorway.

“Cher?” That was White Lily, lifting her head a bit from the mattress. “Everything okay?”

He managed to shake his head, and she gestured for him to come sit. 

“What’s going on, friendo?”

“Bad dream,” Cherri whispered.

“Ah. Those are no fun. Wanna talk about it?”

“Not really.”

Lily nodded as if to say that didn’t surprise her, and she looked dreadfully like someone he used to know in that moment. “Come on then, lay on down. D won’t mind if you elbow him, he gets up at ass o’clock in the morning anyways.”

Cherri was quite certain D would, in fact, mind, but he did as she asked anyways, settling down on the creaky mattress. Lily put her arm out in what was clearly an offer, but didn’t touch him until he rolled over towards her. When he did, she wrapped her arm around him fully, pulling him closer, and Cherri felt like he could breathe for the first time since waking up. 

Lily didn’t say ‘I love you’ or anything of the sort, but she did ruffle his hair and give him a quiet “Goodnight, Cher.”

And Cherri didn’t say ‘I love you’ either, but he leaned into her embrace. “Goodnight, Lily.”

-

True to Lily’s words, it was, in fact, what Cherri would qualify as ‘ass o’clock in the morning’ when D woke up and proceeded to wake the other two up while getting out of bed.

“Is it even light out?” Cherri questioned as Lily gave a massive yawn.

“No, which is why D’s being an asshole.”

“I didn’t mean to wake you up, Lil. Or you, Cherri.” He didn’t question why Cherri was there, much to Cherri’s relief.

“You did anyways,” Lily grumbled, but she released Cherri and sat up. “I guess it would be time to get up soon anyways.”

“Exactly,” D huffed.

Lily just yawn-laughed as she got up, and Cherri reluctantly followed the others downstairs. They had quick breakfast in the predawn light, followed by a bit of fussing around as they got ready for D’s morning broadcast, organizing all the news and things that had come in yesterday. Killjoys had started to send them news of the desert, to the point where they got almost as much from what people sent in/dropped off/radioed to them as what Cherri found out on his almost daily runs. It was starting to pass what he could find out on daily runs, really. But he went anyways because they still needed his info, and they needed to eat.

“Bye, Lily, D!” 

“See you, Cherri,” Lily hollered back. “Be careful!”

“I will!”

The three of them split the tasks that living in the desert and running a radio station required. Today, D and Lily were taking the radio station van to drive around and talk to people, encourage them to join the cause. Cherri was taking the motorcycle to get any news and see if he couldn’t grab some power pup from a supply truck.

He sped down the road, getting in position to raid the supply truck. A one-killjoy raid was a dumb idea, for sure, but Better Living Industries hadn’t started to arm their trucks very heavily yet, and Cherri was confident enough in his ability to think he could pull it off. This was a small one, anyways. The initial raid went off without a hitch- the driver and few accompanying dracs were dead before they had time to see the teenage killjoy who hurried down from the dune to pull out as much of the contents of the truck as would fit in the sidecar of the motorbike. It was afterwards that became the problem, as a full two cars of bli employees came rushing towards the site.

“Fuck,” Cherri hissed under his breath. He quickly assessed his odds. One teenager with a shitty ray gun and a motorcycle against what must be at least one scarecrow and probably at least eight dracs was not good odds, but he doubted running away would be any better. They would chase him down, and then he wouldn’t even have the advantage of his higher vantage point. Hiding wasn’t an option either, given that dracs would search the entire area, so Cherri crouched behind the motorcycle and got ready to fire.

When the first person hopped out of the car, Cherri almost swore out loud. Not a scarecrow. An exterminator. He was so fucked. 

Cherri’s hands shook slightly as he lifted the ray gun and aimed. He had to take down that exterminator as soon as possible, or he was dead. The shakiness proved his undoing, as the shot whistled past the exterminator, missing by barely half an inch and causing the Better Living operative to turn.

Fuck it. Cherri got out from behind the motorcycle and ran directly towards them, firing off shots indiscriminately. His best shot now was to overwhelm and confuse them. It seemed to be working, given that one thing they did not expect was a teenager in a bright pink mask to come running directly at them. In fact, most of the dracs froze, enough that he was able to get in a few good shots before they realized what was happening. One shot even hit the exterminator in the shoulder, but unfortunately not their shooting arm, leaving them perfectly capable of raising their gun to retaliate. 

Retaliate they did, and Cherri screamed as a shot hit him in the side. “Fuck! Fuck you!” He was shaking too hard to shoot back as the exterminator held up a hand, quite calmly.

All the dracs stopped, and the exterminator strolled casually towards Cherri. “Greetings, rebel.”

Cherri spit at their feet. 

“Rather rude of you, wasn’t that? I’m tempted to kill you here, you ill-mannered rebel scum.” They reached out and tilted Cherri’s chin up to look them in the eye, letting him see the cold fire that lingered there. 

“Get fucked,” Cherri spat out as they took his ray gun from a shaking hand and tossed it over their shoulder. 

“I do appreciate the suggestion, but I suggest you keep your mouth shut if you want to live.”

Their ray gun was positioned at his neck, and Cherri knew he had a low chance of surviving even a stun shot to that spot at such a close distance.

“I would kill you now, ill-mannered rebel, but I think I’ll let you live for one reason and one reason only- I want you to go to that ‘Doctor D’ and his friend White Lily, and tell them they will not win. We will find the radio station you killjoys speak of, we know your precious leader is hiding out in Zone Four. So go, tell them. And pray you survive that shot.”

They shoved Cherri, and he stumbled away, ignoring the pain in his side as he climbed onto the motorcycle. He revved the engine, throwing it into action and barely caring if some of the supplies fell out of the sidecar. 

The exterminator watched him go with a cruel smile.

[the-official-pentacorn]

my 2020

hi all! since i always see my friend doing these fun end of year posts, i think i want to start doing them as well. thank you @the-last-airbadger​ for the tag and providing me some kind of structure for these posts. am i stealing your format for now? you bet. this post will be a little rushed since it’s currently 10:30pm and i want to be present for the year end, but hopefully i’ll be able to jot down the most important stuff.

i’m not going to skirt around it: 2020 kinda sucked. for me, for all of us. there have been some positive things for me this year, but overall it’s been kinda... you know.

the beginning of 2020 vs now

i have to say, my memory isn’t great to begin with, but with the days bleeding into eachother this much i’ve forgotten a lot about this year. if i miss anything important i blame my fried braincells.

i do remember that the start of 2020 was rough for me. i was just coming out of a restrictive eating disorder and was gaining a lot of weight, which wouldn’t stop anytime soon. those first few months my confidence was possibly at an all time low and it was hard to look at myself and leave the house. returning to university after two months of very noticeable weight gain during break was one of the most uncomfortable things i’ve had to do in my life, but looking back i’m so happy i ended up restoring my weight. there was an awkward inbetween stage where i got very bloated, but right now i feel a whole lot better in my skin. the fact that i can look back now and call my eating disorder out for what it was makes me proud.

on a different note, i think we’re all aware of this little thing called covid going around these days. i distinctly remember the last day at university. i believe it was friday the 13th. i hadn’t really been keeping up with the whole situation, but my language classmates were checking news sites and read about a press conference that evening. that day would be the last time i saw any of my classmates in real life... wild. in some ways the lockdown honestly came at a good moment for me, since i was struggling with body image daily. on the flipside, it made me isolate myself for weeks at a time. i’ve never known how bad i could get in uninterrupted depressive states like this... now i do. i guess i learned a bit about myself.

also, i finally grew out my hair! the days of the shaggy mullet are behind me.

the best things about 2020

like i mentioned before, one of the best things about this year has to be my recovery. i’m still struggling, but i’m doing a lot better than this time last year.

i also earned my first year of Korean Studies with full marks, although it’s a shame the ceremony ended up getting cancelled. plus the lockdown ironically has made me get closer to other people in my year, since i got more involved in group chats.

last summer was a lot of fun as well! i made a conscious effort to make the most of my time by going for walks, meeting up with friends, spending quality time with family, and getting loads of that good good vitamin d. depression? obliterated.

my resolutions for 2020?

one of my biggest resolutions was to “allow myself to enjoy life free from rules,” again referring to the eating disorder. i think i accomplished that one for sure. i also wrote down “not filtering my self expression” and “fuelling my mind and body with positivity,” “building myself back up from the ground” and “becoming less of who i thought i should be and more of who i actually am.” very poetic, i know. broadly speaking, i think i accomplished these more or less. i will take these with me to 2021 though.

expectations for 2021

let’s see... for starters, i expect to move out sometime next year. i don’t know when yet, but i feel like it’s time to take the step and get my own place somewhere. if covid allows it i want to get a parttime job somewhere. i hope reliable vaccines will be accessible for everyone sooner rather than later. 

with a bit of luck, my university will greenlight our summer trip to Korea, but it all depends on the situation. i honestly don’t expect too much. in that vein, i do expect to get a lot better at Korean though. we’re starting an intensive language course in february which i’m really looking forward to :)

will i finally have a girlfriend in 2021? chances are slim. will i still hope? you bet.

2021 resolutions

i honestly don’t have any huge resolutions other than the ones i’m taking with me from 2020. i want to get to know myself better, maybe take a few more scary steps towards adulthood. most of all i want to continue to make an effort to be kind to myself and others.

friend shoutout!

@chuuyay: i’m glad we started talking more again this year. i know i haven’t always been around the most, but i really appreciate our friendship. you’ve helped me through some tough moments and talking to you is something i always enjoy. thank you for the great year, and i hope the next one will be good too!

@furuti: i’m happy to have talked to you more in the group chat! i’ve always really enjoyed talking to you, but i didn’t really know how before. if the conversation ever centers around one particular hot k-pop man too much, let us know. it can be a lot :’)

@asiandutchgirl: you’ve been doing so much art this year and i live for it! i love that you’re putting so much time into improving your skills. i really admire you honestly. i hope we can meet up again soon and exchange albums!

@the-last-airbadger: it’s been great seeing you thrive this year. you dyed your hair, did a lot of reading and drawing, and i watched you become a lot happier overall. i’m glad it has been a good year for you, and i hope we can see each other soon in 2021!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! 새해 복 많이 받으세요!

[thatguythatcoulddraw]

Quarantine Q&A!

Tagged by @primasveraas <3

Are you staying home from work/school?

Yee, the VA Governor closed all schools and recreational businesses for a hot few months, so my junior year is technically done. Online schooling til hopefully just August!

If you're staying home, who's staying with you?

I'm actually hosting one of my close friends, an exchange student from Serbia, for two weeks while her main host fam's under a strict quarantine themselves! Without her here I think I'd be mad by now, I love my parents to death but god, seeing the same ANYONE everyday for weeks on end would drive me crazy!! So while she's here I'm sane, but with the exchange programs constantly changing due to Covid-19, she could be sent home any day :(

Are you a homeboy?

Nope. Don't get me wrong, I love weekends at home and spending time relaxing alone, but I'm an extrovert and get cabin fever suuuper easily, so yeah I'm dying. Send help, please, just one movie night, I beg anyone 😭😭😭😭

Any events you were looking forward to that got cancelled?

Gosh, where to begin. The W&L University Singers and my dad (the conductor)'s home performances of Considering Matthew Shepherd, my SAT's, my AP tests, prom, the Equality Gala, my opportunity to sing for a local restaurant, voice lessons, a friend's soccer game I was gonna cheer him on at, my dance recital, my choir concert, the talent show, SO. MUCH. STUFF, LIFE GOT CANCELLED ALL IN ONE DAY AND YES I AM MOTHER FREAKING SALTY!!!!!!!!

Movies/Shows you've been watching?

New Movies!

What's Eating Gilbert Grape

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Shrek (YES, IK, DONT @ ME XD)

Rewatched!

Knives Out

Jojo Rabbit

Frozen 2

The whole LOTR trilogy + our ultra nerdy 11+ hours of behind the scenes content Dad got cuz we all neeeeeeerdz

To Be Seen!

Parasite

Your Name

New Shows!

Schitt's Creek

Gravity Falls

Rewatched!

Sherlock

Star Wars the Clone Wars

To Be Seen!

Killing Eve (got to see ep 1, def want more!)

Music?

Lots of the same old stuff, happy Dodie songs, og Steven Universe, Six the musical and anything Broadway, anything that's upbeat and not such a downer in these downer times :)

Also lots of lofi, for studying :)))

Books?

New Reads: the Crazy Rich Asian series (1 million outta 10, its SO GOOD), Good Omens finally, Call Me By Your Name, and lots more on my ever growing reading list :)

Rereads: I want to read Red, White, and Royal Blue again, the Virals series (by Brandon and. ) which is legit my favorite book series and the greatest one out there fight me, Crier's War, and Resistance Reborn because I want to forget Rise of Skywalker happened.

My top TBRs: Bonds of Brass (GAY SCIFI/CYPERPUNK FINNPOE I LOVE IT) and The Savior's Champion fiiinally

(All of these lists also have so much AO3 fanfic on each of them but we can't get into that or we'll be here til the virus leaves)

What are you doing for self care?

Video calling friends, volunteering at my local food pantry, staying active online with internet friends while avoiding toxic or anxiety-inducing news. I've been baking a ton and trying lots of fun, weird drinks using coffee and matcha just cuz and I've found so many I'd die for. I've started working out more regularly, I drink far more water than I did during school, I pulled out sixth-grade-me's hidden MASSIVE BOX of Bath and Body Work's hand sanitizers and am slowly going thru those. Overall I'm trying not to loose myself or let myself go right now. It's hard, and my mental health is taking a lot of hits right now, but just finding one thing a day to do, no matter what it is, and doing that thing, makes me feel so, so much better. This whole thing is hard. The world is scary and downright weird right now, in a limbo between fragments of normalcy and emergency. I don't know what's gonna happen, no one does. The best we can do is keep our chins up in the face of it all, keep taking deep breaths when it gets too hard, and keep living another day, even when that seems like the worst thing you could do.

We'll all get through this, together. I know we will.

Humanity is kinda batshit crazy. Our collective single braincell by some diety survived this long.

We can survive now too.

I'm not tagging anyone bc I legit know no mutuals here who'd do this who haven't already, so hey @scifigrl47 I love your work and you are my inspiration so uh... if you wanna, try this?

Mmkk that's enough rambling today, wash ya hands and stay safe out there, mates :)